(Warning after writing this mess I have come to understand it's a wall of text and you may not want to read it. All I'm asking really after the hundred of words is... what do i do now?)
I don't really know what i will be writing in this thread. Part I belive will be ranting, other parts may be crying with words. I had totally set myself up for defeat even before the starting bell. I was so blind sided that it just didn't make sense to me. If anyone has read the few forum posts i have in the fantasy forum, the edmonton/elsewhere forums of alberta and a few other places I may of come off as haughty or maybe full of pride, well I hoped was pride maybe it was just stupidity.
I have alot of knowledge of my short comings in spelling and grammer. I try to remember to capitalize and re read before posting but most of the time I don't. To me nanowrimo was about word count nothing else mattered. I was ready for that word count. I had the plot in my head and the points on paper. i had fully fleshed out characters and a plot that made me shake I thought it was so good. In my head i saw a flowing plot of interconnected character pasts and goals..
Not anymore.
The one part of me that I had no control over left me. my muse is gone. She is my Love, before her I wrote childishly, no description, no plot. I wrote essays nothing more. I had no use for fiction in my life. I had no reason to read for fun or pleasure, she showed me a world full of wonder and epic scale. there was no limit in my fantasies once she held my hand. I wrote every day when she was with me her presence made my mind explode with thoughts and ideas. it was heaven on earth.
now shes gone and I have nothing. I try to remember my plot my idea my core to my story and nothing comes. I read my plot points and see nothing. I look at my scetches and see lines, I see the tree not the forest, where did my forest go?
I was sure I could write 50 000 words in a week, no problem. I was sure I'd beat anyone who chalendged me to a word war, that thier defeat would just spur me forward ever more faster and to greater heights. I'd drag them along for the fun of it and hopefully they would enjoy the ride.
I joked about what my story was about. such a simple idea. but now i look on that idea the words on the page for my plot my starting word and it doesn't make any sense.
One day and my life has changed for the worse.
Where do I go from here? How do I survive the darkness alone?
how does one write when on the first day of the novel i have to read out a eulige for the woman i loved. go to a funeral...
one ml joked i was a secret weapon. it made me laugh earier... now it sadens me that I may not be so helpful.
I will be writing on november 1st.. but the keys will be piles of dirt on my hearts grave, each click a spade biting into the world and throwing its contents onto me burying me alive, or really dead man walking.
I'm from ontario. my parents live there my grandmother lives there, my brother lives there all my extended family lives there. I live in alberta (heh elsewhere sounds so right when describing where i am im elsewhere...)I'm now 100% phisically alone. I have no good emotions only fear, sadness an overwheling giult that if I hadn't been so focused on this damn novel i may have seen signs.. may have saved her.
I have thousands of words left but I'm boring you I am sorry.
I come here every couple hours so more then likely I'll be back soon but i dont know what my state of mind will be. i haven't slept well last night and I dont think I'll be sleeping till friday or later... the wrimo-bunnies will be large in my mind very soon.
so how do you go on?
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I plan to write big. 50 point font big!
7,018 / 50,000
Okt 30, 2007 - 20 21
Dear Lone Dragon,
I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your loved one. Reading between the lines, I take it she took her own life?
Do you have any friends in Alberta that will be there for you at the funeral?
Perhaps you could have seen the signs if you weren’t focused elsewhere or perhaps she would have hid her intentions more or perhaps there were no signs. You can’t possibly make it with what might have been if only you did something else. Obviously your loved one had deep emotional problems and saw no way out. It is heartbreakingly sad but it is not your fault.
You need to not panic and pull yourself together for the funeral to honour her memory. My advice is to talk things through with a professional – you are going to be riding a roller-coaster of emotions.
Embracing you with a cyber hug.
Diane
3,629 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 02 23
um... I don't see where you get suicide from but no thats not what happend she died from a cancer of the spine. they say it was preventable if she had caught it early and she has had back problems for months but well looking back i have noticed she hurt more and she didn't like moving as much. she slept alot more(from what i hear her body was trying to heal itself by sleeping but it didn't work or something. if i had just asked her to go to the doctors check her back you know... they said it was extremely easy to see on xray and they were truely sorry they didn't catch it in her last yearly physical.
i don't think ill be sleeping much in the next few days but hopefully she had a good ride.
ealier last week i had said i would dedicate the novel to her and i still will but my plot in ruins and im not even sure how to write it anymore but i guess ill write something. she was my everything.
to see the sun, heh, maybe i have a new level of my story. to see the sun, to see her again.
thanks for the response it was helpful to know someone is around. oh and no heh i have lived here for a year and have no friends here other then my love. im not very social in my days here. mostly just working on the oil patch and getting money for a house our house. heh my whole life revolved around her its almost creepy how much is gone so suddenly.
where does one meet non drinkers? the coffee house? lol
anyways ttyl
----------I plan to write big. 50 point font big!
7,018 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 08 25
Lone,
I am very sorry for your loss. I'm sure all of us at Alberta Elsewhere will be thinking of you tomorrow when you are at the funeral.
Knowing someone in our own group is going through this terrible loss has put a dampner on the exitement of starting Nano this year for me. I'm sure most of us have experienced loss and mourning at some point in our lives - such is life, a series of hellos and goodbyes. If anything, the brevity of life teaches us that we must carry on and we must make the most of the opportunities we are given for life is very short.
About your novel: It is good that you plan to keep yourself busy with your novel - but no one will think the less of you if you don't finish it or even get it started due to your circumstances this year. Be nice to yourself.
Take care,
Diane
50,137 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 10 11
If this helps you any Lone, I too will be attending a funeral of a family member. My Uncle passed away last night from cancer. He was 67. I know how you feel, but you must ask yourself this, would your loved one want you to give up so easily?
Obviously she supported you in this and she would want you to continue. At least try. So you may have to make a few changes in what you are writing or how you are writing, but please finish what you started. You will regret it if you do not continue. Perhaps nano can help you work through the pain?
I am writing, even though I lost a family member. Yes I will miss him and yes my Grandmother is going to be sad for a very long time. Life does not end for us, we must continue. Remember her with joy, the happy times, the things she showed you and the things you learned from her. You were blessed by her, keep that memory alive by never forgetting what she taught you.
ScarlettD.
7,018 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 11 56
ScarlettD,
My condolences on your loss. You and Lone will be in my thoughts tomorrow.
This is a very sad way to start off our Nano year with two from our group losing loved ones. :-(
Diane
3,629 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 12 54
it's done.
morning burial is hard but its good to get it done. i haven't slept yet i wonder when i will. counting down the minutes.
i've decided to write my full novel on my msnmyspace thing. maybe by writing i'll get over the loss. i don't think so but that is one of those proverbs, get over loss by filling it? anyways thanks you two for the suport. ttyl
----------I plan to write big. 50 point font big!
1,777 / 50,000
Okt 31, 2007 - 21 50
Hi Lone Dragon and Scarlett
I am sorry to hear about both your losses. That's so sad. I know there's nothing anyone can really say or do that helps. Time is the only thing that will ease the pain you are feeling, but in the meantime, you do have to live - I'm sure our loved ones who have died would want us to go on and live a happy full life, and this honors their memory.