Safewords

My partner and I used "pizza," and there as no attempt to work it into conversation. By the time that word came out, subtlety was long gone, and it was a one word exclamation made in absolute desperation. But I suppose that depends on how close to the edge your people want to go. The farther away from the red zone, the easier it would be to use the word with come thought and sophistication. For me, it only came out in a very primal place.

"Between me and life there is a mist of words always." Wilde

A safeword is like a red light, a really quick way of saying "stop right now! something is wrong!" So it should be something that really stands out, not something that blends into the scene. I've known people to use things like "broccolli" or "monster." Some people just use Red for "stop immediately" and Yellow for "slow down, check in and see what's going on."

Just found that Wikipedia (of course!) has a pretty good description of safeword use: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM.

I have never practiced any BDSM but from what I read up on the subject all the suggestions were that any safewords be 1) agreed upon clearly before you start and 2) be something that doesn't belong contextually at all. The reason for this was because that way you would be sure not to use it accidentally and 2) it would by it's nature interrupt things (which is what it's for anyways). So like "green" or something. Another thing, I'd think it'd be better if it's one word, because if you need to use it you don't need to be saying two words or have it complex to remember. Hope that helps.

i'm writing a bdsm novel and my character likes to use a different safe word with each person.... she likes: new york, soup, and carrot. :) it's only used abruptly, in lieu of saying "stop!".... so she will say, "SOUP!" and all things come to a halt... she won't use it in a sentence like, "i feel like eating soup.." ^^ hope that helps

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

Safewords are very rarely "benign" from my experience, they are meant to be something that you wouldn't normally say in that situation, so that it's very clear that you want to stop and aren't just muttering stuff because it feels good. For many clubs, parties, and even individuals, a common safeword is "red", easy to remember and obvious in it's intent.

Heather

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

My wife and I use 'poopybananas' it was a phrase that she uttered at one point and it kinda stuck as a safeword...

Josh

If poopy bananas are involved in sex, it's probably a good idea to stop anyway o_O

In the places I play, the default safewords are 'red' (meaning 'stop the scene, NOW!') and 'yellow' (meaning ''I'm having a problem, but I don't want to stop the scene'). For beginners and people who haven't played with each other before, these are useful and easy to remember; it's also reassuring that if, in a public dungeon, you start screaming 'red', *everybody* will come and save you.

However, despite what various books may say, in actual practice, safewords are rarely used. In the vast majority of scenes, there is no 'resistance' play, i.e. pretending you don't like something when you actually do, so normal language works perfectly well, and most tops are quite sensitive to the distinction between 'ow, dammit, that really hurt', and 'ow, ow, that hurts so good'. And when a bottom goes so deep into subspace that they can't manage to speak coherently, then even something like 'red' or 'yellow' is generally beyond their capabilities; the top *must* be sensitive to body language and other cues to tell when a bottom is really getting hurt, because the bottom may not be able to say. (And asking doesn't help either; deep in subspace, many bottoms will say 'yes' even to questions like 'do you want me cut off your arm now?').

Matters get more complex when the bottom is gagged, of course, since no verbal cue will work. Some players use a system of grunts (generally two sharp grunts means 'problem') and ask a lot. A common system is to take a bottom's hand and squeeze twice; if you get two nice squeezes back, all is OK, while anything else (especially a cold, unresponsive hand) is a Bad Thing.

In resistance scenes, like mock interrogations or ravishments, then classic safewords come into their own. Often players will come up with some reasonable 'in scene' word or phrase for 'I'm having a problem' other than 'yellow', so as to be able to stay in character, but believe me, if someone is wanting to say 'STOP!', that person *wants* a nice, out-of-character word like 'red' to make it clear that scene is OVER, dammit!

One excellent style, especially with 'interrogation' scenes, is to keep asking for for some piece of 'information' that the bottom is ostensibly keeping 'secret'. So long as the bottom refuses to say it, the top can keep cranking things up, but as soon as the bottom 'breaks', the scene ends - and of course you can easily imagine how that totally keeps both people in character.

Another style that works well, especially with beginners or people who really get off on pretending to resist, is for the top to just keep reminding them, 'you know, if you really want this to stop, all you have to do is say ...'. This works especially well when the top is, say, idly sharpening knives, testing whips, etc.

Tops also need to keep in mind that when a bottom (especially an inexperienced one) really starts getting panicky, he or she may be completely unable to *remember* a safeword - and even if reminded of it, may be so out of control as to be not listening and so unable to say it. Between situations like that, and subspace, and gags, and all the reasons that a safeword may not work, in actual practice, responsible and experienced tops never count on them, and *always* monitor a bottom's state independently.

While safewords are certainly one more tool that helps keep play safe, my own personal view is that the primary purpose of 'red' (or equivalent) is to reassure novice bottoms that, yes, indeed, this is only play, and they can stop it any time they want. But frankly, if you're afraid that you have a top that wouldn't start noticing problems until you said 'red', then you have way bigger problems than that - like, how could you trust them to stop even when you *do* safeword?

However, 'yellow' is *very* useful, especially between experienced players, because it allows a scene to be *more* intense. Many scenes involve high levels of very real pain and suffering, and without some sort of explicit cue from the bottom, a caring top may well not go as *far* as the bottom wants to go. The cuing in cases like that is often more of a 'yes, please keep going' signal rather than a 'stop' or 'slow down' cue - for example, after a harsh cane strike, the cue for the next one may be when the bottom willingly pushes our his or her bottom again - and the 'safeword' is when the bottom *fails* to give such a cue. And 'yellow' is a good way to say that 'no, this is just a temporary problem, please *don't* end the scene'.

Communication between top and bottom in a scene is a hugely complex matter, and can rarely be reduced to just a few 'safewords'. In roleplaying scenes, players may well develop a whole vocabulary of cue phrases that signal things without breaking character - as in the classic responses of 'only if it pleases you' = yes and 'not unless it pleases you' = no. But getting to that level of protocol takes a lot of time and experience with each other. In the vast majority of BDSM play, normal English is more than sufficient.

Galen

It has to be something that cannot be forgotten, so going too complex is bad. Colours are good, they're ingrained into us.

Some professional Doms and subs (the ones that charge money) use "safeword" - there is absolutely no risk of that one being misinterpreted. Unlike any other word, you can't deliberately ignore it and claim later "oh, I forgot it was the safeword, I am more used to using 'sausages'." If someone says "safeword", their meaning is undeniable. And that can be important for legal reasons.

Safewords are like anything else that's there for last-resort, emergency safety. Ambulances, life preservers, fire exit signs, you name it: they are meant to stand out.

Buddies welcome, scripts discussed, etc :)

Two additional comments I want to add:

First, one large sadistic top of my acquaintance, who enjoys playing fairly heavily even with women he barely knows, says that the safeword that will invariably stop him instantly is 'attorney'.

Second, there are a number of BDSM players who ostensibly play without any safewords at all. These usually fall into one of three categories:

1. Assholes, abusers, and sociopaths. Nuff said.

2. People in TPE (total power exchange) Master/slave relationships, who do not like the concept that a 'safeword' means the slave 'ordering' the Master to stop. In practice, most such people find other ways of communicating and respecting limits that do not invoke the dread term 'safeword' (e.g. calling them 'signals'). However, such folk may edge over into categories 1 and/or 3.

3. Very experienced tops who basically say that when you're in their hands, they know better than you when to stop. People may play with such 'no safeword' tops for a number of reasons - because they're looking to be pushed past fears and psychological limits, because they simply really trust the tops, because they want to experience total surrender and trust, because they want a 'mindfuck' experience, or because they're idiots. Such tops, assuming they actually *are* responsible and experienced, will not actually push bottoms into danger zones, but they may well inflict *lots* of pain, and make the bottom *think* her or she is in far more danger than is actually the case. Kind of like riding a roller coaster...

Classic examples of 'mindfucks' include 'branding' scenes where real irosn get heated red hot, but what actually gets applied is ice (which invariably *feels* burning hot, it if the scene is done right); knifeplay scenes where it starts with an actual knife, but then something very dull (like a credit card) gets drawn across the throat (almost impossible for a worked-up bottom to tell the difference, and it *feels* like one's throat has been slit); and things like tying the bottom to a railroad track, then 'oh shit, there an actual' train, and enjoying hear the bottom screams as the (well-predicted) train approaches and then goes by on the *adjacent* track.

Galen

Hemlock was always mine; I'm really into herbalism and such, so it's something I'll always remember, and it's not like it's something that'll come out accidentally while you're doing the naughty...seriously, what kinda pillow talk would that have to be?

Just my 2 cents.

Though lovers be lost, love shall not,
And death shall have no dominion.

My favourite was always 'purple alligator', which I read on another site somewhere--and in extreme cases, this may become "purple fucking alligator, already!!"

(Many thanks to Galen for all of the information and suggestions; I write a LOT of BDSM- and kink-centric erotica myself, so those ideas and whatnot really help me.)

Personally, with my partner, we tend to do a lot of roleplay, so there's pressure to stay in character. With us, what works is that if there is a response like a gasp, a writhing motion, anything that might otherwise indicate discomfort, then it's okay to go ahead. If there's very little response, or an annoyed response, then the bottom wants more. If I say "OW, DAMNIT", then that means stop. As someone above said, a good top is usually very sensitive to the difference between "ow, that hurts so good" and "ow, that really hurt". We do role reversal, though, so even though I'm the one being tortured, my partner is the submissive, so when I say stop, I mean stop, and she will. (That gets a little complicated, though; if you don't have much experience, just stick with the top being the top and the bottom being the bottom.)

I don't think my partner and I have ever used a safeword, but we don't do a whole lot of resistance play, so 'stop' always works with us. The only time a safeword becomes really necessary is when the bottom saying "no, don't, stop!" is a part of the scene. Though even people who don't indicate a safeword and normally wouldn't use one can always use the colour system, because it's so intuitive and ingrained that there is no mistaking what it means. (Additionally, most smart people who dabble in BDSM will do a little research with their partner to make sure they know what they're doing--knowing how to tie proper knots, knowing how not to cut of the circulation, things like that--will come across 'red' and 'yellow' at some point, so they'll know them anyway. It's sort of a default in the community.)

ML for Russellville, AR

"I am a writer! Hear me vociferate!"
(A proud member of Thesauraholics Anonymous.)