critique the synopsis of the person above you

Your story seems like a really interesting story, with her getting involved into the story, but make sure you don't write too much about what happens before she steps into it, because what makes this story interesting to read is that it is about her and her relationship to the villan.

And, if she is writing too much in the story, it can get a bit dull. That is the risk, and make sure you don't actually write what SHE writes, but just mention it.

EDIT: woops, seems like I misunderstood the purpose of the post.

Okay. Critique of synpsis - Why is she trying to find true beauty? What does her father think of her writing - you mentioned only her mother understood it.

That is what I can think of now.

2008: Lucifer's Wings (no win)
2009: The Story Of Before

I was always fond of this thread.

Anyway, Rosepetals -- I always thought it would be absolutely terrifying to meet my characters, and more so if the villain was the only one who recognized me! I like your main character, you get a fair idea of her insecurities and personality from your excerpt alone. I want to know how she's going to get out of the situation, and how she got sucked into her story in the first place. Why is it the villain who recognizes her? Anyway, it sounds like a really interesting story, and your cover art is beautiful.

EDIT: Whoops, looks like two of us posted at the same time.

@muffinsplanned -- It sounds like an interesting idea, and certainly a realistic one to explore. But I feel like your summary's a little too vague to tell me much. I never really got a feel for Alexandra's emotional turmoil -- perhaps expanding and giving us an idea of what her parents don't understand about her, what Michelle is that she wants to be, and how serious the pressure is would give the reader a better idea of what about Alexandra makes the situation so interesting?

Cheers!

NaNo 2007: Contracting Demons (51k)
NaNo 2008: Judas Remaining (52k)
NaNo 2009: On Taking a Sledgehammer to the Family Tree (We'll See)
NaNo 2009: Alleyways with Ears (We'll See)

Thanks for the advice! I've now rewritten a bit of mine.

2008: Lucifer's Wings (no win)
2009: The Story Of Before

It's okay, Loki, I always thought the point was to critique the apparent story as well as the actual synopsis. I mean, my synopsis is purposefully short, because otherwise I would have to blab on and on about the half-developed plot, but if someone wants to critique both, go for it!

anyway, @Loki:
re: Sledgehammer: Aside from grammar issues, I think you make the wall metaphor a little too obvious in the synposis--I mean, it's already obvious but not necessarily in a bad way without you stating it. I really like the idea of having the family line going down the wall. I get the feeling the sister is a wild Bohemian type, and so I kind of assume that Hal is more straightlaced, law-abiding citizen, so make sure he's got his own personality within this. (Or blow us all out of the water

re: Alleys: The beginning of the synopsis is a little confusing--I think it's the "pet street rat" line, and it wasn't until after the paragraph about Eileen that I really understood who was narrating. I do like his voice, and I LOVE this idea in general--it is right up my alley, as it were. XD Have fun making it complicated-but-not-to-the-level-of-POTC-3-because-honestly-no-one-gets-that-movie.

NaNo 2006 winner
NaNo 2007 failure, due to the flu
NaNo 2008 winner, due to lack of internet

Jade Sabre--it sounds really fun, and potentially funny depending on how you decide to play it. I would definitely check it out at the library. I'm curious to know if she meets any guys or winds up with any mortal enemies or on a quest or any of that. I like the part about her needing to decide if she wants friends or something like that--it shows that she's going to go through a change, and it also shows that she's not some obnoxiously perfect MC, which is always nice = ] Good luck!

WARNING: My story isn't fantasy at all, and as far as plots, it's fairly superficial--think Private by Kate Brian, minus all the murders.

"This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted."

NaNoWriMo Caution Team '09

I feel like it gives too much away; there's a LOT going on in your synopsis, pantherscheer2010, and gives me a good look at the characters, but I sort of feel like that if I wanted that, I would read the novel, you know? Character description in a synopsis is good, but maybe a little more focus on the plot would make it just that much better. I'm curious to know what the 'secrets' are between Luke and Alyssa, and it looks like it has REALLY awesome potential to be a good teen-drama novel, but it might benefit from a bit more description about the plot outline to reel your readers in. =) I REALLY like how it's written from their POVs, though!

Very, very good synopsis. It gives enough information without giving anything away.

The one issue that I have (and only because it was blatantly obvious the first time -- it's likely a stylistic nitpick on my part) is that your first and last sentence of the first paragraph mention that she's a good girl. I also am not a fan of the phrase "shipping-ready" to describe a young girl in this context; I honestly thought that she was off to boarding school or something. :)

I apologize for the person who has to read my synopsis. There isn't much of one, simply because it's very broad at the moment. But feel free to offer suggestions based on what you see!

2009: Rising of the Samhain Moon (Young Adult)
2009: A Collection of Pagan Stories for Children (Children)

SpiritofRadio:

Nice! The old double-life story.

A well-written synopsis, but the 'bad part' doesn't cover much in the way of specifics, and uses phrases that might not be common knowledge. (Never having been in the drug scene, I may just be underexposed. Not that such a thing is bad...)

Your conflict isn't really identified here. She has a double life - she's a good girl, she's an addict. Either this will be a psychological struggle book, (internal conflict) or there needs to be an external conflict identified. Is she going to have her secret exposed? Perhaps you should carry us forward, or supply a teaser that let's us know someone, perhaps a rival, is going to find out...

ADHD Programmer Dad
YA Fantasy/SciFi Author

My Writing Blog/Twitter/My Music

To: WiccanRaven (unless I'm not the first to say anything):

Thanks for the warning ahead of time XD

I don't know what to say, I like the idea. Like how many children's books are you going to write? It'd be cool for it to be a series. Keep at the same characters, doing different things in the books. You know.... just saying some ideas. ;]

I have no decent critique right now, nor a synopsis yet, but I just had to say that I've never wanted to read something so much as I want to read your novel MisterChris. D:

brianarants: I like the general idea your synopsis gives, but some of the wording could use work. Like 'this popular jock'. Using 'this' instead of 'a' sounds a bit more conversational than the language you'd use in a book synopsis. I think the whole thing about ending up in a closet tied up would make me curious enough to want to find out what that's all about, though.

Click the banner to read my novel blog.

Wow, JayElleBee, Thanks! And i haven't even written it yet! But I've got the whole series mapped out, four books in that series. Just finishing up my first series now, from last year's Nano. (A Prince of Lynvia) - Four books in that series too, it's fantasy rather than SciFi.

Sorry for the interruption, we now return you to your regularly scheduled critiques...

ADHD Programmer Dad
YA Fantasy/SciFi Author

My Writing Blog/Twitter/My Music

@brianarants

Haha, thanks! I'm not sure how many children's books I'm going to write -- basically, this will be a project that I'll be working on in between working on my main novel (for which I FINALLY came up with a synopsis, so y'all are more than welcome to check it out). I'm thinking of a series based on Pagan folklore, maybe some fairy tales, and introductions to Pagan spirituality through picture books.

Thanks for the ideas! :)

2009: Rising of the Samhain Moon (Young Adult)
2009: A Collection of Pagan Stories for Children (Children)

Maemi:

Interesting cover art and title.

The conflict is an interesting one. I found this particular line to be gripping:

The hook, though, just doesn't seem to have the barb it needs to get me interested in reading on.

i can see the conflict, an internal one, but there's obviously an external one that's currently faceless and nebulous. Is this a DARK order, where students are victimized for their 'differences', or a BUREAUCRATIC order, where you have to fill out thirty forms to compete. Or a CLIQUE order, where only Miss Popular gets to win.

ADHD Programmer Dad
YA Fantasy/SciFi Author

My Writing Blog/Twitter/My Music

MisterChris: It seems interesting enough, if I read that on the back of a book I'd definitely at least read a few chapter to see where the story is going. It seems like a good starting point for what could be a good mystery.

Sorry I don't say much, but I really can't think of anything else to say except for "I hope you finish it.".

@pimenta -- I think you've got a very interesting idea for a story here, but the synopsis is so short I don't know that I can say more than that. I'd like to know what kind of reaction Ivan has to the personality of his friend popping up, how that changes the situation, and some idea of where the plot is going. But it's a fascinating concept, and I'd be really interested to see where you took it.

Cheers!

NaNo 2007: Contracting Demons (51k)
NaNo 2008: Judas Remaining (52k)
NaNo 2009: On Taking a Sledgehammer to the Family Tree (We'll See)
NaNo 2009: Alleyways with Ears (We'll See)

@Loki: Well, yeah. The relationship and interaction between Ivan and Peter are supposed to be the main aspect of the plot, and I'm even planning on alternating perspectives between them throughout the novel. I'm going to try to focus more on things like the problem Ivan has deciding whether or not he should accept the beast as his friend, and the way Peter reacts to his new state, since before he was eaten he was the kind of person that felt that life is boring but at the same time couldn't actually find the courage to go and try to make it interesting.
You see, psychologically speaking, the beast was supposed to be no more than an animal, possessing only instinct, and as Peter's mind merges with the beast's both of their memories remain, and the beast itself starts having problems knowing what it\he is.
Even though I'm not actually planning on giving an explanation as to why Peter is merged with the beast, I still don't know how I'll put everything in the main plot along with the short detective stories I'll have to come up with to make time pass on the novel's world.

Anyway, I'm speaking too much, thanks for your words.

@pimenta: The synopsis doesn't grip my attention or interest me, really, but I'm not sure if that's a matter of the story type, the writing style, or that it doesn't reflect a clear voice. I think it might be because Peter "got himself eaten". There has to be something more behind that, rather than him passively letting the monster eat him.

:)

@Carradee: I really like the idea you're setting up here. However, I felt the synopsis to be a bit wordy (and I can understand the want, considering our ultimate NaNo goal!), and I'm a bit confused as to whose point of view is going to be running the story. Or if it'll be both.

I think everything after "And so it is with this tale" could be condensed to a paragraph or two, with enough detail to grip the reader and less of a point-by-point comparison to the original Pinocchio story. Also, it's more a stylistic thing than anything, but try not to use "I" in the synopsis -- it takes away from the characters and instead forces us to concentrate on the author. :)

2009: Rising of the Samhain Moon (Young Adult)
2009: A Collection of Pagan Stories for Children (Children)

@WiccanRaven:

The Rising of the Samhain Moon -- this sounds like a really interesting, and very fast-paced. I've just got two questions -- you never really explained why Jade chose to move to Braintree, which could tell us a lot about her motivation, and I'm puzzled to know how she managed to shelter Caitie "from any mention of the occult" when it soon became obvious she was a witch. It sounds like a great story though, both for excitement and family dynamics.

Paganism for Children series -- it sounds like it could be a cool idea, although obviously there's not enough information to comment. Good luck with this, though; I hope it turns out well.

Cheers!

NaNo 2007: Contracting Demons (51k)
NaNo 2008: Judas Remaining (52k)
NaNo 2009: On Taking a Sledgehammer to the Family Tree (We'll See)
NaNo 2009: Alleyways with Ears (We'll See)

Thanks, Loki! :) I guess it's not obvious in the synopsis, but she moved from Braintree to Salem (where her Nana lives, and where she grew up) after her husband died. It was easier for her to create a life in Braintree that was occult-free, as it was a "starting over" for her. Imagine something similar to Practical Magic, if you've ever seen it. :)

Thanks! I'm looking forward to see how the novel comes along. I'm also really excited to starting on these children's books -- they'll be a great reprieve from the whole "OMG WRITING A NOVEL" stress. ;)

2009: Rising of the Samhain Moon (Young Adult)
2009: A Collection of Pagan Stories for Children (Children)

The "I" is herself a character--it's a framed narrative, like Wuthering Heights. I'll be looking at it for how to change it, though. :-) Thanks for those specific pointers.

@WiccanRaven - Interesting synopsis. I'm not interested in reading it--I think you might count me as a "religious fanatic", since my response to someone practicing occult powers would be exorcism, though I'd never kidnap or kill anybody over it. But my lack of interest might be a good thing, since it looks like our writing styles are different. My fingers itch to "fix" the punctuation issues in your synopsis, but I think at least some of it's style.

@Carradee: Ah, I see! In that case, it definitely makes more sense (though I hate to admit, I really dislike 17th Century British Literature, lol). Now that I'm rereading it, I wonder who the elusive "I" is, and if that will be clarified. :)

And thank you for your critique! Yeah, I do tend to be quite... liberal with comma use, which is partially stylistic and partially something I need to go back and fix at some point. ;)

2009: Rising of the Samhain Moon (Young Adult)
2009: A Collection of Pagan Stories for Children (Children)

I keep getting skipped. :( Anyway, it's no one's fault in particular, so:

@Carradee: I love the idea of retold faerie tales, and retelling Pinnociho sounds quite interesting. I'd like to know more about the girl and her friendship with the puppet-come-to-life, which is my only gripe with your synopsis -- you tell us much about what your tale is not, but very little about the tale as it is. The hook for me, in particular, though, is that Pinnochio has his own conscious and also acts as a (rather bad) one for this female character. That alone has me quite interested in the tale you've got to tell!

Cheers!

NaNo 2007: Contracting Demons (51k)
NaNo 2008: Judas Remaining (52k)
NaNo 2009: On Taking a Sledgehammer to the Family Tree (We'll See)
NaNo 2009: Alleyways with Ears (We'll See)

@Loki Mischief-Maker

I found the run-on sentences a bit disjointed and confusing. I also can't tell if your story is about Hal or Susan. I do love the imagery of house and reconstruction in parallel with relationships. Can walls (both physical and figurative) be built and taken down to strengthen or renew a relationship? I think it's a good start, but the focus is a bit weak.

Lorna

Nanowrimo08: Magical Words
Nonowrimo09: Justified

@ melbrigda:

Your synopsis sounds interesting, but I'm a little confused about the plot. I understand that this guy Jason is out for revenge, but for what? It'd be nice to have at least a little bit of insight about his motive. I'm also assuming that the Merry you mention in your last sentence is another protagonist, most likely a love interest. I think you could make that a little clearer. And there are a lot of weird grammar errors in it, too....

Overall, though, it sounds like an intriguing concept. It just needs some more detail. Vagueness can make it more alluring and mysterious, but too much is just confusing.

Kaybee...

Your plot seems intriguing and your summary showed that nicely. However, I think it is a bit too long. Some of the information is repetetive (she's 15 and her mom's been dead for 7 years, a couple sentences later you say she's been dead for half of Serena's lifetime) or unnecessary (pale-haired sophmore isn't really needed). If you could shorten it a bit so the story isn't as fully described, I think it would be very very good. =)

Anastasia...

I find it amusing that your story is about royalty when you're named for royalty yourself. But that's neither here nor there.

I think the summary hooks the reader quite well and gives a basic idea of intrigue and lots of adventure, which is good. I was a bit confused by the sentence beginning with "As heir apparent...". I think it was poorly worded and I was a little confused as to who Elena was, and what her business was in all of this. Perhaps you should flesh that part out a bit?

Stine-

I loved your overall premise- the idea of a war so bad that it stops all communication is very intriguing! I was confused about Marta's living situation, though. I felt the wording made it unclear whether she lived with both Julia and the kids she nannies, but maybe that's just because it sounds odd for a nanny to live with both a friend and her young charges. I was also confused as to whether or not Augustus (the ex) is still in the picture here because you mention Marta caring for her friends (plural sense).

Anyway, I loved your story idea. The second paragraph was great. The first paragraph seemed a bit wordy or unclear. But you definitely have a great premise and I wish you luck!

ArborVitae --

Your novel info describes a great story. You get your main characters out there, and the actual plot -- two children, each with their own problems, struggle against this greater problem (vampires) that assaults their only refuge (the night-time world).

But my challenge to you is to write the same story up with more "zip" -- make it sound exciting, you're just listing facts right now, and while I like them a lot, I think if you wrote it with more flair, it'd be really fantastic. Think "move trailer" or "back cover blurb". Entice me! Maybe throw in another detail about Marjorie -- we don't hear anything that gives us a hint to her personality, only that her father's abusive, while we get a little more about Noah.

But I really do like the idea a lot! :)

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