Can we critiquing excerpts yet?

I like the character of Blackbird, and her internal conversation is well done. It seems a bit overly wordy for YA, but that might just be me. I get a good sense of setting. I think she comes off as a symapthetic character, mostly, though the jealousy of the fairest girl in town is a bit much right after the jealousy of her crushes crush, the latter is justified, the former works against her being symapthetic, imho. Grammar is good. Stylistically it seems a bit dense to me, almost sensory overload. This is a matter of taste though. All in all, I got to the end of it, so it was interesting and kept me engaged, which is the entire point of story.

"We must read in order to know, or we do not know by reading." Charlotte Mason

One box of Stash Chai Tea - 3.50
One Carton of Camel Lights - 65.00
Hitting 35k on day 10 - Priceless

Some months never see a written word. For Nov, there's NaNoWriMo

tearsofsirion

It's a very confusing part. I have no idea what's going on. Perhaps I would if I'd read the rest of your novel, but I don't know. It's hard for me to understand what it's about. What they are doing in the forest, who they all are and such.
But maybe that is a good thing as well. Because if a reader wants to know what is going on, they are more likely to pick up a book:)

For stories have lives of their own
But what good's a story whose end is unknown

~Savatage~

BrokenWings

AGH! I wanna read more now!!! Haha. Well, obviously it was very good. Very well written, short and sweet, makes me curious. It definitely makes me want to read it :) Good job!

ijerda,

Your writing flows well and you've got all the mechanics down. I can tell you love to read, and that will serve you well as a writer. Two things I would focus on from here on out: particularize and move forward. Your excerpt reads like it's the novel's opener, but you've saddled the reader with a page of exposition (things that have already happened in the past) and generalization (a summary of events rather than a particular event that can serve as a representative event of the two girls' relationship. Take one of your favorite books and read how it opens. I'm betting it will open pretty quickly with a specific circumstance. Let your readers see the relationship between the girls by the way they talk to each other and by the things they do rather than trying to tell the reader everything about them.

Good luck!

2009 Meet-Up Tonight at Silverleaf Mall

"Death and famine stalk the land like two great stalking things."

dec51995:

Ooh, suspense.
I'm no good at critique, but I have to say I like the feel we get for the character with her mildly curious, "What was a flight of stairs doing under my bed?" Not, "OMG WTH DEMON PORTAL!!!," just ... huh, how'd those get there? You get the impression she's going to be the only one who will deal with this whole thing well.
On another note, I had no idea you could get fun stuff like glitter balls as souvenirs. O_o I think I've been going to the wrong musicals.

Read my last line of the night on Twitter: https://twitter.com/MuninnHrafn

@Fortunato

It took me a few moments to get orientated, as it was a little difficult to figure out what the scene was supposed to be, but once I did I was hooked. I'm extremely curious about what it was that Silence found, and slightly apprehensive about why she looks worried. Hopefully whatever it is won't get your MC into too much trouble. D:

I'd just like to interupt the flow of things here and publicly state how mortified I am about how I mangled the subject line on this thread. That's what I get for staying up so late writing when I have to get up at 5 in the morning to work.

Make sure you critique Jayellebee, not me.

@JayElleBee

A very nice and engrossing action sequence to kick things off in a memorable and exciting way. I liked how you made Dante almost an older brother figure for Oliver, where Dante is the reliable one, the older one, the more experienced one (at least that's how it seemed). You give the reader a good sense of unease as things begin to fall apart. First you start with the little things, then they become very, very BIG things and finally that results in the cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more. I also like your use of foreshadowing, such as Dante forgoing the helmet near the chapter's climax. It rewards the reader for noticing little details and makes the attentive reader go "Oh man, what's gonna go wrong NOW?"

I think the only improvement I could suggest is trying to be just a little snappier, your paragraphs tend to drag on just a little too long, and that decreases the intensity and tension just a little bit. Other than that though I can't really think of anything wrong.

Great excerpt and I wish you success on reaching 50,000 words with this story of yours. =)

@rebel_cheese

I really like the pacing you have going on and the fact you have a well written synopsis (although a bit long) to go along. The first thing I noticed is that you don't describe your characters in terms of features. You do very well with the creatures from...wherever they come from.

The reason I bring this up is because the interactions would make a difference

This would be a feat if Jacob had a linebackers physique - not so much for a anorexic patient. I don't know if you have described him later but since we don't know what he looks like it would help the readers connect better and be able to better visualize because right now he is a "blurry humanoid".

Also it would help with not getting lost in back-and-forth dialogue that occasionally you put in who says what.

Example:

It gets hard to follow if there is that much bouncing.

I really like how you ended the prologue (I assume that's the end...my excerpt isn't the end of my chapter though). It's a great lead-in

ladyaibrean

Tales of Orinda: The Great Marriage of Lunamae

I have alot to say about this one! First off you have a fantastic sophisticated writing style (which unfortunately most YA authers shy away from which makes me feel like all literature for our age group is dumbed down and patronising, see twilight) howver the sentance 'Even though my mother was not old, she seemed fine as she was as far as the amount of children she had was concerned.' does not make much sense and could really be phrased better

e.g:
Even though my mother was not at all old, she seemed content with the amount of children she had, not seeming to contemplate any more.

'Then I would assume she’d live with another set and then go back to her mother.' with this you might want to be a little more specific, another set of what? I know it's difficult when things are so obvious to you but the reader is currently a total stranger to this world (which you coped with well in the beginning paragraph when explaining about the months).

You work really well with first person, which is a really hard view to work from as detail can be lost and sometimes writers can end up writing a long list of what people do rather than think or discribe, you keep relating back to her thoughts which is good and the input of Muirenn's opinion lets you into the character and get to know her attitudes.

Great discription of the keep and the direct speech is lovely, very elegent.

all in all I love it but you need to proof read and work with where you put your detail, your amazing world can be a little confusing and daunting to the reader before they get fully into it so you must explain exactly what's going on and why.

Can't wait to read more :)

Go to http://pewterfox.wordpress.com/ to read my story, updated daily.

Pxi, I absolutely LOVE your excerpt, the language is so beautiful an eloquent and the story is most definately intrigueing. I wish I could read more!

My someday starts NOW!

Hey poet.
I thought your beginning was a little cliche (I've read a lot of stories online that start with alarm clocks), but some of your characters rantings made me smile. My clock was very rude too. I'm curious about Moira (but I can't stop thinking about her butt!). There is a line in there that made go... what?

Other than that a lot of your commas can be deleted and made into separate sentences. They were awkward.
Have fun.

ladyaibean, thank you for your fantastic critique. I forgot to to describe Jacob or Alexandra in any meaningful way in the prologue and I think I should probably do so when it's time to begin editing.

Paikea . . .

This excerpt was short but sweet. I liked how you set up the situation, where the frightened freshman tries to stand up to two upperclassmen who could easily overpower her. Her feelings are palpable and relatable, and I like how you positioned Reyes to be the straight man to Benny's womanizing and intimidating behavior. You set up Isa's personality well too as the shyer and more withdrawn person, and telling the entire story from her perspective allows for a more personal and intimate look at the situation than telling it through third person (even close third person) can. I also like the last sentence, "Those two would become the greatest friends I would ever have." That's the closer, that's what hooks the reader. That makes the reader want to find out why Isa would want to associate with these two boys, much less become close friends with them. There's no sign of the drug Delusion or anything from the synopsis in there, but I don't think it was needed for this prologue, the prologue was fine without Delusion showing up. It shows a purity and a high before the fall.

I would love to read more but the fact that you leave me wanting more is a great thing. I hope you are able to break 50,000. =)

rebel_cheese-

WOW. That was really good. I was a little confused at the beginning about Jacob and what happened. Did he run away? Did he just go for a walk? Why aren't his parents helping to find him? etc. So you might want to clear that up a bit.

It was a little long for an excerpt. An excerpt should be shorter and just whet your taste a little. But that's just my personal opinion.

But overall it was really good. From reading it... I wonder if Jacob is still alive. So... I hope you keep putting up excerpts cause I want to keep reading it! Haha. Great job.

Emily

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. - Saul Bellow, a Canadian writer

NANOWRIMO '08: White As Snow- 51,720 words
NANOWRIMO '09: Drama!- ?????

rebel_cheese-

Ha, so I just read your synopsis. So I guess he is still alive. But your excerpt is a lot more understandable after reading the synopsis.

Emily

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. - Saul Bellow, a Canadian writer

NANOWRIMO '08: White As Snow- 51,720 words
NANOWRIMO '09: Drama!- ?????

I like your excerpt, eehornburg! I think you get a real sense of the character's voice with just that little snippet. Very interesting.

No, we don't stop! We rock the spot! No, we don't quit! Get ready, aw, this is it!

First Nano - 2009 - Won and Finished. Editing will commence soon.

HerSweetness:

While your excerpt is well written enough, I think it would be wise to choose a different one for your particular book. The synopsis makes it all sound very interesting; the inclusion of magic in an otherwise (I'm assuming) normal world is a great plot device, the missing sister bit sounds fabulous, and I'm sure the musical chip would make for great reading, too. But most of your excerpt seems like a perfectly normal moment in highschool with someone accidentally getting hurt, right up until the last little blurb where the rescued magician's apprentice shows up.

If my two-year-old little sister was missing (is she by this point? I assumed from the synopsis that that happened right after the apprentice was saved) I would be FREAKING OUT, to the point where beaning someone in the throat during dodgeball (or what have you) would seem like a minor incident. Especially if I knew it was my fault.

I'm not sure where his bleeding leg comes in; I'm sure you explain that in a previous point in the novel, but again, for an excerpt you don't want to include unexplained phenom that's only going to confuse, not intrigue the reader. Think about excerpts you read from published books; the hooks that are supposed to make you go "ZMG! MUST HAVE!". It needs to include not just a scene from the book, but a scene that has great import or establishes something about the series.

Now, all that being said, I really did enjoy reading this. And since I generally can't stand books that spend any amount of time in high school (four years was plenty for me, thanks!) that's saying a lot ;) I liked the bit about the shorter fellow not being intimidated enough not to glare up at him; I could practically see the feisty short guy getting up in the accidental attacker's face.

The smells and other senses you described were wonderfully executed (I've never been inside a boy's gym room locker, but now I feel like I have!); that certainly appears to be your strong point, make sure that you run with it!

Jadeling Hawkins, you have a very nice writing style. :) It seems more mature (good thing) than most YA I've read. I liked how the conversations flow, they really sounded like one someone would hear in real life. Your description is also excellent. You have a good amount of it and worded it very well too.

The dialogue is great! I'd laugh at some of the slang and phrases that the characters use. I'm sure it would keep young readers entertained and laughing, especially if read at a group setting. It does read like something a teacher would assign a kid as summer work, but one that the kid would actually enjoy reading. I would. :P Lady Luck seems like a character I'd look up to. XD

Oh, the synopsis is great too! I really liked the last sentence of it. :)

For the next poster, my novel is a Naruto/Pokemon fanfiction, but you should be able to read through it without being too confused by the terms.

Let's see here...

To start with, I wish there was some kind of synopisis leading into your excerpt. It's much easier to get a feel for the nature of the sample if we have some inkling at the nature of the whole. Secondly, the set-up for this is just well, plain confusing. Where is the emperor's daughter, exactly and in releative position to the people she's listening to? If she's the daughter of an emperor, why is listening to this interigation in a cave and not in a dungeon? Why is the emperor himself carrying out something as lowly as an interogation?

In addition, the dialogue is...well, confusing. Especially this part: "Stop stop! Kill your daughter! Stop it! Stop!" It makes no sense, especially without a qualifer. I had to read it three times to realize it wasn't some kind of mob chant encouraging someone to murder their child. The girl's (Kura's?) thoughts are equally confusing.

I get there feeling there's a deep story going on behind all of this, and you've got a lot of it thought out, but this particular excerpt is much too confusing to stand on its own. I would suggest picking a different scene, maybe bumping it down to show the entire conversation between Kura and her father rather than cutting it off.

"I keep trying to tell you, storytellers are omnicient. I know everything." - The Great Gonzo (as Charles Dickens)

Haha, don't all epic tales start with, "Boy do I have a story for you"s? Except they usually come at the end, but Teresa is very charming in her own sort of way so I still want to know her side of the story even though I've read the synopsis, maybe it's just because she sounds exactly like me XD . Even though I have no clue about who Jeremy is I still want to pinch the poor guy on the cheeks.
But on the southern aspect of " don't blah blah to people of lower standing": if you want it to be acknowledged then you should have little time period-specific statements planted around the story because even though I get that you're trying to make him act like someone in his position would, a lot of what he does is very neutral time-wise so this whole thing could be set in the persent day and he would just come off as an awkward, cutely shy, affable bigot (yes it's contradicting).
But I think you're doing well as far it it goes in the whole 'let me find things out through the story' and the one info dump you did near the beginning to describe Tessa is done well so it doesn't sound clumsy and 'let's just get this out of the way shall we?', though it would serve that part well to be diluted with a paragraph break or two (maybe that's just my hatred for anything resembling a wall of text).
There's two more things I'm confused about: one in the synopsis and one in the text.
In the synopsis: a...mysterious...mad...doctor? Is this steampunk? It's ok if it is, it just kind of caught me by surprise, it seemed very sudden in the context of the story. And then you suddenly say 'she stole this part' without even saying he has some kind of machine, I mean I can kind of infer it (because organs and limbs don't make heavy thumps in cars, and her shirt would be bloody is she did steal one), but it was still like, "Whoa- waait, what?"

So basically even though the synopsis lets it down a little bit, I like the excerpt except for a few very minor personal qualms, and would very much like to read more :).

@JuJuBee --

Dude. I started out confused and ended up hooked. Once it became apparent by your slow reveal and your careful language that I was supposed to be confused and disoriented just like your character, I was able to relax into the rhythm of your subtle yet suspenseful prose.

You use the music well, especially the point at which it stops. And the last line left me wanting more. I would read on. Nice job.

http://swdooley.blogspot.com

NaNo 08 -- LIVVIE OWEN LIVED HERE (Feiwel and Friends, 2010)
NaNo 07 -- JOY, HOPE, AND OTHER LOST CAUSES (in revision)

@sarypotter

I liked what I understood of the concept. Beautiful flow and imagery, btw. I love the juxtaposition of fire and water in this instance. Those first two paragraphs had me enthralled.

The only thing I would say as a critique is that the pacing seemed a little slow. I caught myself wanting to skim ahead to get more information instead of enjoying what was there. Is this the beginning of the story? I would suggest getting a little more info interspersed with what you have.

Overall, excellent! I am intrigued.

Rachel Phelps

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

CreativeWorlds-
Pleasssssssseeeeeee try to get this published because I am dying to know how it ends. I love the story and the MC already and I especially like your charracters names, very original. Great job and keep going, I can tell this will be a great story.

I hope it's not too soon to go again, but I put up a new excerpt. Anyway, I love reading everybody else's! They're all so different and it's such a good way to procrastinate! :P

@Longraider, I like your dialogue, both internal and otherwise. This scene does a good job building suspense and raising a lot of questions that would keep me reading to find out the answers. The only notes I have involve commas and capitalization, neither of which you should be worrying about this month. As for content, it's engaging, suspenseful, and just the right length. Nice job!

http://swdooley.blogspot.com

NaNo 08 -- LIVVIE OWEN LIVED HERE (Feiwel and Friends, 2010)
NaNo 07 -- JOY, HOPE, AND OTHER LOST CAUSES (in revision)

@sarypotter - I love yours! It's so descriptive and, for lack of a better word, pretty. I didn't read much of the synopsis (only the excerpt), but it sets the scenery/setting beautifully.

14 mentions of butterflies.
2 scenes at Joe's Diner.
1 scene at The Cakery.
11 chapters.

Jordyn_Face:

Very nice. At first I worried you were delving too much into highschool stereotypes (are ALL freshmen nervous? Are ALL seniors cocky? Are ALL cheerleaders...etc?) and in that case you may want to give some specific examples rather than sweeping ones (IE there was a scrawny kid trying to get his book back from one wearing a letterman's jacket, three girls comparing lip gloss and one in the corner rolling her eyes at them).

The exchange between the friends at the table is mildly humorous and sets a good tone for what I imagine the rest of the novel will be like. You did a good job of, in a brief time, establishing who each character is, what their importance is, and what their major goals will be. Daisy seems like a likeable MC, and I'm sure a massive swarm of young ladies will find it easy to relate to her.

Another thing that I think you did well (whether purposefully or otherwise ^^) is your portrayal of Finn. We know that Daisy was obsessed with him. We know he's male. We know he's been gone for a long time. And then we know he steals her fry. That's all we learn about him! And yet since he was always running AWAY from Daisy, we assume that she couldn't have learned much more about him herself! What you've done there is established a long list of possibilities, should you eventually develop Finn's character. Will she learn more about him, and realize that the attraction was only skin-deep? Will this end in a learning, growthful* sort of way? Will she realize that he really is the boy of her dreams? However you choose to go with it, I'm sure it will be a fun ride for the reader.

*just made that word up

I like the steampunk vibe of your excerpt. A goodly amount of description, and most of it germane to the story at hand. I read the whole excerpt, which is always a good sign.

I might focus on one detailed character description per scene, so as to help focus. The lady in the fedora seems to be the main focus of this one, I really like her.

The train car setting drew me in, good choice.

The only crit I really have of it is it is a it adverby, if that's a word. Which is good for nano, and maybe not so good for later. Just something to look at for. Love the feel of the piece.

"We must read in order to know, or we do not know by reading." Charlotte Mason

One box of Stash Chai Tea - 3.50
One Carton of Camel Lights - 65.00
Hitting 35k on day 10 - Priceless

Some months never see a written word. For Nov, there's NaNoWriMo

The last several paragraphs of your excerpt were the best, tearsofsirion.

My only qualm is that the beginning is... wordy. Rather descriptive. It's a good thing, yes, in many circumstances. But at the same time, excessive third-person description isn't pulling us into who Rachel is, and why we care about her nightmares.

With the dialogue and more Young Adult (teenaged) feel in the latter paragraphs, I wanted to know more about Rachel.

I hope this helps.

P.S. Tearsofsirion, more on the GREAT parts of your excerpt - the descriptive words you did use were fantastic. Especially the use of the word 'miscreant,' which is far too underrated. (:

Labyina -- I like your cover, your synopsis, and your excerpt. I'm still not sure what your story is about, but that's not necessarily a bad thing at this point. The MC's internal dialogue is intriguing and the ninjas made me smile. I love the end of the excerpt. Very sweet and sad. Nice job!

http://swdooley.blogspot.com

NaNo 08 -- LIVVIE OWEN LIVED HERE (Feiwel and Friends, 2010)
NaNo 07 -- JOY, HOPE, AND OTHER LOST CAUSES (in revision)