Review the above poster's excerpt

I'm reviewing Larking because I love this idea!

Ok, well I really like your concept, it's totally original and I can see some really good conflicts brewing there. The summary is a little vague however, and it took three paragraphs for me to realise the land is deserted, but you've not explained how or why - if that is the major mystery of your story you need to tease that.

I'm not really a big fan of narrative written on the present tense (it just grates on me for some reason) but I like your characterisation of Dan and you have a nice grasp of naturalistic sounding dialogue.

All in all I really like your concept and - even though the style's not really my cup of tea - I'd be intrigued to see more!

--

Hope that helps some ^-^

I'm reviewing Syphus.

I read your excerpt and I thought the first part was terrific. You can really picture yourself there on that desert planet. And Lali comes across very well too. There isn't much I would change about it. The only thing is that the descriptions glowed a little too much. The poetic language was nice, but I would caution you not to overuse it. It might start sounding cheesy.

The second part wasn't quite as good. You didn't describe the setting as well and Lali's stream of conciousness wasn't as smooth. Siahn's snarky dialogue was actually the best part.

All things considered, I think you really have something here. I'd be interested to read more.

2008 Winner - Stray Kingdom
2009 - Stray Kingdom 2

I'm reviewing spotpc.

I like your excerpt, and would be very interested in reading more. The emotion and worry comes through quite well, and the quirks of the dogs are wonderful. You can definitely get the sense of intelligence, but that they are still canine.

In the second part of your excerpt, there's no clear indication as to why the dog can understand the humans, though perhaps that's answered elsewhere.

Can't wait to see more!

NaNo 2009 - Simple Human - You are but a simple human whose mind cannot fathom the greatness that is The Collective.

I'm reviewing aranarose.

Wow. That's some wonderful stuff! I like the way you're delineating the characters in deft, specific strokes which gave me the impression of multidimensional human beings in very few words. You have a similar approach to conveying the information about the technology of your world, and i works beautifully, packing a lot of information into a seemingly efffortless flow of words. Your excerpts are very easy to read, which I appreciate.

And I really like Cassie already. She comes across as truly a child of the age you've assigned to her, which can be tricky to pull off: writing kids is not easy. Oddly enough, she has something in common with the MC of my own NaNo novel: they're both oddities in their respective worlds, lacking something that everybody else is capable of.

Very well done! *applauds*

ETA: Spotted a typo:

Note the missing quotation marks.

it's a good concept. i didn't feel that the child really had the feel of a child as much as a "simple" person. she spoke and scted like a child but you have her thinking older, she knew about her parents going away and that she'd have to live with simple Grammy. also I wasn't really feeling the "mommy" and "daddy" being used when it wasn't by her. like "“Cassie,” Mommy said, peeking her head in through the door to Cassie’s bedroom." because it's some strange hybrid between 1st person and 3rd person...

I'm curious about what happens but the excerpt didn't get me all "page-turney".

your synopsis on the other hand, that sucked me in!

A bored young girl lives through the apocalypse only to be rescued by her imaginary brother from his roommate’s sister.

http://defyalllogic.blogspot.com/

*smiles and gently pokes DefyAllLogic*

I'd already reviewed her. :) But now she gets two! Yay!

*also posting so that I don't get missed in the review process... and will now review DefyAllLogic... brb*

Hmmm. Mechanics first: Your use of punctuation while conveying speech is the opposite of what I'm used to. You're using commas where I was taught to use periods and periods where I was taught to use commas.

For example, where you write:

I was taught to write:

But that just might be a matter of personal preference.

I really like your synopsis; it has a lot of promise. Your excerpt, though, is a bit short to give good feedback on. It doesn't convey much sense of character... although as you've said, Logic is "the height of nobodyness", so that might be intentional on your part. The action flows along quite briskly and it kept me engaged, though I'd wished (as noted) that it was longer. :)

you seemed to have got in while i was typing/reading.

That was really long. It tool me a while to figure out that there was a man hearing voices and the virus was a voice. it's well written but confusing. I really liked the descriptions, except I kept thinking "who?"

the attitude of the character is consistent throughout.

it is an interesting concept but I felt lost, there was so much going on for someone just standing at the grand canyon... I'd like to watch it on TV. :)

A bored young girl lives through the apocalypse only to be rescued by her imaginary brother from his roommate’s sister.

http://defyalllogic.blogspot.com/

Reviewing DefyAllLogic's.

I don't know why, but I found the line about the message coming from two weeks in the future hilarious. Maybe I'm just weird like that.
I definitely liked what I read; seems wonderfully lighthearted for a post-apocalyptic story. Though the sense of everyone being dead was slightly ruined for me by the list of characters in the synopsis, I suppose that wouldn't really be a problem in the actual novel.

The Omega

i like it, intruiging set up, and an interesting world, makes me want to know more about all this Gaia Meteor stuff. speaking of which, it's a good way to have the world change so quickly. i kind of want to know how the world has changed elswhere.
one thing though what does GMW stand for, it threw me when i read it, since every possible meaning i could think of didn't make sense in context.
other than that, it was good. good language, vivid descriptions, and a good hook.

(my excerpt is the second half of chapter 1)

If a picture is worth 1000 words, would 50 pictures win NaNaWriMo?

@AvatarIII

I have to be honest, I read your summary first and wasn't exactly sure what I was getting myself into, but your excerpt ended up really intriguing me. It was a little slow to start, but I think the build up was necessary to get some details about the world/time setting that you're writing in, and while the end wasn't a climactic explosion, it was emotionally tense and instantly had me wanting more. Particularly, wanting to find out what's in that email Mack sent his father.

Good job! I'd definitely keep reading! :D

Larking

I'm really intrigued by your excerpt. I noticed a few typos but no other problems. I'm not sure how it will end up being sci-fi, but that just means you have an original idea.

@nowordforit

I couldn't figure out what was bothering me about your excerpt, so I had to read it again and it dawned on me. The use of present tense and 3rd person was a little disorienting to me. Is there a reason you're going for that?

However, your premise is interesting, I'd definitely continue reading.

@jmday

I like the way it gets straight into the action, it's exciting, and the viewpoint is strong, considering it's third person.

"What with there, oh we’re so perfect and our species gets along and provides for everyone. "

'Their' not 'there', and possibly speech marks for the bit where he's mimicking these 'perfect' people.

Also, while the characterisation and dialogue is good, you might want to consider putting in a bit more description of what he looks like and what the environment looks like to help the reader get really immersed in the world.

@jmday

that's just how I write...

its odd, but I like it.

@ jmday

While the premise is fairly interesting, it's really hard to review the excerpt because it doesn't really convey much. That's not to say it isn't a good skeleton for a scene, it's just hard to tell what's going on. For example: Are the main characters in this human or not? The usage of the word "man" leads me down one way, but the exotic names lead me down the other. In addition to this, I feel as though the ship could be described in more vivid terms. As it stands, I could place this scene in any standard star-ship cockpit and it'd be the same. If you were, however, to set the mood in terms of lighting, ambient sound, etc. you could easily evoke a deeper emotional response that's unique to this scene and by extension the story as a whole.

@DoktorFaustus

Love the title! And the summary. It sounds from the summary as though it's going to be a bit humourous (sorry if that's not your intention!). I liked it, you described the setting, what could be seen etc. and I liked the dialogue. The only thing I think it needs is more backstory, who is he and what is he doing there, all the details that are in your summary, but I imagine that's going to come later, you can't cram everything into the first section and you don't want to detract from the action.

@Thursdaynext

I love the dialogue. It's very catching and draws me right in. The use of the prayer to seperate different views on the funeral is very well done. One can definitely see that you're not going to lack words this November.

Happy novelling!

NanoWrimo wins: 05, 06, 07, 08
Science Fiction Forum Moderator
ML for PA :: Elsewhere

@ Tresa Cho

Interesting. There's a lot going on, so I had to read it a few times to get some of the names straight, but it kept me intrigued enough to want to read further. A couple things stood out to me, though:

"Miranda had climbed through the hatch and was making her way up to where Jack was hovering." Beware of the passive voice. You could revise this simply to "Miranda climbed through the hatch and made her way up to where Jack hovered." Suddenly the verbs are a lot more dynamic.

“I am watching you, Colonel Jack Long." I don't know, something about this didn't flow right to me. Perhaps it's the use of the title and his full name. Maybe shorten it to just "Colonel Long." Your audience should figure it out.

But that's just me nitpicking. Over all, it made a good first impression, so congrats!

2004: A Memory Not Mine (55K)
2005: Double Edged (76K)
2008: Empire Farms (64K)
2009: No Asylum (goal: 100K)

@areck17

I don't like your intro line - the line after it works better for an intro. Also in this section:

"But I wait. I can feel the seconds tick by just from the feel of my own pulse throbbing through my veins. He doesn’t come.

He doesn’t."

Get rid of the first "He doesn't come" as it kills the impact of the second.

Other than that - good work.

***
2006: The Zaqqum Tree (Epic Win)
2008: Two Wizards in Search of a Title. (Epic Win)
2009: Fixer

Crikey, it's a rant. What I mean is, there are no scenes in it. When I read an opening I want a scene.

That is the scene. It's from a first person view, what their reaction is to the area, the people, all of it. Within the writing, there are bits of where, who, all of it.

Staying in the rules: Your writing is very "tell them" and not so much "show them." The shoulder strap bit in. Ok - how about him reacting with a wince as the strap bites in? Telling the reader he's studied the scientist for four years is blunt - a comment in the dialogue in which he brings up several things and the scientist replies "you've been doing this a long time?"
"About four years, sir." tells inside the dialogue, which involves the reader more.

"Asyllian" - what is it? What does it look like? Common or rare?

You move the reader around, but you need to add more sensory devices to draw them into the piece - have a look at the piece above I reviewed. There are elements you get to experience as the reader, in which the writer is making you part of the action - even as just a witness. Adding smell, taste, sound, all of that, makes the scene more three dimensional, and invites the reader to add their own "beliefs" about the events going on, painting in the picture you are touching on.

I'm interested in what is going on, but I'd like to know more about the world I'm immersing into.

***
2006: The Zaqqum Tree (Epic Win)
2008: Two Wizards in Search of a Title. (Epic Win)
2009: Fixer

@Roecourt

I find your excerpt interesting, and a fun, though somewhat confusing read. You're MC's irritation with the beach, and her bitterness toward Carrie Renee give her a dynamic that make her into a real, albiet bitter, person. I find myself wanting to know more about her, why she's on this beach that she seems to hate so much. If she's a writer, involved in the entertainment industry, or has just been burned by it. And the big question, of what is she talking about when she mentions "current masters" at the beginning.

Though your excerpt leaves me with some good questions that would inspire me to read more, I think you might benefit from adding a synopsis as well. I'd be interested to find out more about the story as a whole and what it's all about, especially since your excerpt doesn't address that.

I don't feel all that inclined to break it down to grammar and spelling, since I realize that it's very possibly a rough cut straight from you nano. XD But for the most part I think it's good.

@ Larking

I can tell that your strength lies in your character development. Your two male leads come into sharp focus in your excerpt. I find myself wanting to get to know them better. And that's not always an easy thing to make happen.

I can also tell that you had to make an effort to describe the setting in the midst of the scene. You used fairly broad strokes to give the picture. For the most part I was simply imagining the details of what everything would look like. I don't mind doing that though, especially for a cruise ship on a beautiful seascape.

I know this stuff because I'm just the same. I put far more effort into my characters than my settings.

Your concept is pretty interesting. But I find myself wondering why they don't just land somewhere. If there is a reason why they can't, then you probably talk about it in another passage.

Altogether, I think you have a great story here. Keep up the good work.

2008 Winner - Stray Kingdom
2009 - Stray Kingdom 2

@ spotpc

I read your synopsis, then your excerpt. Not knowing much more then that, I was a little confused about your story. At first, seeing that it was a Science Fiction Genre, i was trying to determine "what was the sci-fi aspect". I then wondered if these dogs and cats were humanoid dogs and cats? Where they regular dogs and cats that were intelligent and could talk, read, and watch supernanny? Or was this more of an internal animal dialogue, like Disney's Homeward Bound where the animals "talk" to each other, but that is more for the audience's sake then them "actually talking".

This is not a problem with your writing style, but more of the information on your nano book page. I thought your writing was good and I could follow it easy. I didn't stumble or find any akward sentences. I would caution the use of the Korean restaurant gag. I didn't mind it, and yes, there is a breed of Dog that is bred in parts of the orient for food, so it's not just an urban legend. However it could offend some people. Personally I'd keep it, but it is worth considering.

All in all I think you have a good talent for writing and keep up the good work.

@Gatekeeper.

I really love your synopsis! Did you ever see the TV show 'The 4400'? Something similar happened in that when people who had mysteriously vanished over the last last fifty years or so turned up on a certain date in 2008. I really loved the clash in attitudes between things such as race, marriage and family. I bet you're having loads of fun exploring that side of things! (especially as the time difference is so big)

One thing didn't get from your excerpt was a real sense of the characters. Who were Tommy and Arthur? Were they modern day folk or the visitors from 1804? I'm sure I'd know if it was in all in context though!

I did noticed a few grammatical errors. You missed a few question marks here and there, and left some of your speech unclosed. I always remember that before any closing speech mark there should be some form of punctuation. E.g

“Thats next week” Tommy said equally in shock. What was going on.

should be

"That's next week," Tommy said, equally in shock. What was going on?

... but it's probably not been edited thoroughly yet. If so, just ignore the above!

Hope this helps. Good luck with the next 8,128 words!

____________________________________________________________
2009: The Sixth Embryo (sci-fi)

Thanks.. yea, I'm sure there are several punctuations and grammar errors. Just trying to get the stuff written and will take a look at that later. The problem with the excerpt is that it is a little out of context. It's currently 1804, and the characters haven't yet gone into the future. I'm still strugging a bit with fleshing out some of the main characters. I may have to go back and add some more descriptions and background info. Also I'm having trouble coming out with the current date unless I simply state it prior to the chapter. Which is what I might do at any rate. I've mentioned things like horse drawn buggies, and a blacksmith etc.

I've never seen the 4400, but I have heared of it. There was also another one, a movie back in the 80's where a plane dissapears and reappears in the future. Also there was Freejack starring Emilio Esteves and Mick Jagger. A stupid film to say the least. I actually got my idea from a cheesy sci-fi show in Canada called "Psi Factor" sort of a low low budget x-files show. Hosted by Dan Akroyd. One episode was about a farmer from the early to mid 1800s who fell into some sort of temporal anomaly and woke up in present day. The Psi Factor guys found him and asked him about his life, what happened etc. They went back to where he lived and found where his farm used to be including the ruins of a silo and a stone fence he built himself. At the end of the episode, the man eventually commits suicide by hanging himself as he feels the new world is too strange and confusing for him.

(at any rate, the next reviewer, please reads Thornbird's exercept, not my as this was merely a reply to his comments)

@thornbird

i like it, i like the concept, and the diary format, the subtle humour (Thatchers chest lol) and i like the alternate history idea, which is an often neglected sub-genre. can't quite see, yet, how this will lead into what you said in the synopsis, but i'd be intruiged to see how it does.

If a picture is worth 1000 words, would 50 pictures win NaNaWriMo?

@AvatarIII: Ok, not my favorite ever, but I liked it. You've clearly got that whole "getting into the character's mind" thing down :-) and the description of the wormhole opening was good. Most of my complaints would be typos, grammatical bloops, iffy word choices...mostly things that can be cleaned up later when you edit. I would like to know more :-) but the excerpt itself feels like only half a scene, so I feel a bit cheated (which is less to do with your writing than with where it was cut, and shouldn't matter).

Title: Weirdness Magnet
Pages: 200
Semicolons: 175
Nights spent dreaming of story: 7
Geek references>plot?
Capes/Badass longcoats: 6
Status: One character just stormed out, claiming that alien rats in the computers are absurd.

Sarley: Well you really know how to draw a reader into a story with the whole 'what the hell' angle. It flows rather well and has a near perfect balance between action and description. However it does seem kinda flat, but sense this is just a small part i guess that's okay. If this is the start of the story then you might want to flesh it out some more on the other hand if this happens somewhere in the middle then it's right on the money. Nice work all and all.

"If you have a little voice in your head that talks to you, don't worry your human. If you have three or four voices that argue with each other, don't worry your a writer!"

Phantom: Wow. It's so I'm not normally a fan of first person pov but you've successfully done this so it feels like you're in the story with them It's just wow. There's a couple of nit picky things that's just my whole way of thinking which unless I actually read the whole thing from front to back probably would be able to see but that's just me and I do love it just maybe a little bit more dialog would have been my preference in stead of "he explained to me" maybe just write him saying it? (it gives more word count if that helps ;-) ) all and all though I did like the excerpt.