Ghost Dance
an excerpt

.I did the Big Apple Bagle, passing by the movie store on my way to the car. The movie store is all a mess, all aglitter with Christmas stuff. They must be pulling in $20,000 a day now. Not a lot really. I think their net profit is less annually than what I used to make. And they work hard for it. I went to the bank, depositing Junior’s Social Security check. I then took out what he owed me and made a motorcycle payment. I sent his mother an email asking if he still owed her any money because I had about five hundred left, and I think he still owes her that much. I’m not sure that’s what he wanted me to do with it, but I think so, because it was a lot of money for him, but not enough to go around. “Here dad. Do what you do better than I do and see how far you can stretch this.”

It was snowing and then not snowing. The cars on the streets did an elaborate dance and slide, narrowly avoiding one another.

I have re-connected the TV and have actually watched a movie on it, no two movies. One was a movie David gave me. The other was Mr. Brooks, which I found oddly disturbing in that I identified more with Mr. Brooks than I found comfortable. The weirwolf, Mia said. Yes, Mr. Brooks is a weirwolf, and I suppose I change through weir cycles myself. Last night was a full moon, and I wrote and slept. Seems like a good thing for a weir creature to do on a full moon.

It is quiet here now. The people have gone. Even Lester Young has gone home and I am alone with my music and with my laptop. I get an occasional plaintive message from Leann. I feel sorry for her, but there is nothing more I can do to help her. If she would let me, I probably would, and that strikes me as odd, given my thoughts for the future. There is no accounting for the forms and mixtures of love people feel for one another, and how you may be attached to another even when you think you are not. I remember holding one of my children, Michael Junior I think, when he got his first shot. I wasn’t anticipating anything, but when the needle hit and the baby gave his startled cry, my heart fell out of my chest and tears streamed down my face. I had no idea I was connected that way. No idea.

I have things to do here in this Apartment. I really don’t know how much longer I will live here, and it is still disrupted from Tom’s stay and from the two months of quiet and not so quiet suffering that followed Leann’s most recent…betrayal? I sometimes say cruel things to her, and I may have called that just that to her face at one time or another. She swallows it all. Sometimes she fights back, but she has a rubber mallet that she can’t figure out how to swing effectively. All she does is make me mad.

What I have to do here is make myself a home again. I need to go over every piece, every inch and find out t hose things that do not belong in my new life and discard them. I will have to be ruthless. I have some things here that aren’t even mine. One of them was an inflatable plastic mallet. Some of Daniel’s toys, my grandson who has been taken away by his mother again. I think I have not heard from him for over a year. I think again about renting storage space, but the space would be for things that belong to other people. I still have the spare bedroom, unless I turn it into a study. I might be able to do both with it, I’m not sure. I would write differently there, but it would at least clear the desk from my dining alcove. I also have the extra bedroom furniture I bought when I thought Leann was coming. I don’t think I am going to need it. I’m thinking to sell the larger pieces. Maybe. I’ll have to see how the cleaning goes.

I look through the job openings in Craig’s list. I am thinking maybe a writing or teaching job, and there are a half dozen there I could qualify for, but just reading the descriptions fills me with anxiety. I can’t seem to do this yet. I’m not sure how I ever managed to apply for the job at the video store. I think Alissa helped me a lot with the application process, and the interview was gentle. They say you make your decision on an interview process within the first five minutes. I’ve hired hundreds of people and know that to be true. My guess is that she hired me in her mind before I ever filled out the application.