Excerpt: The Mariachi Superheroes

After losing the black Escalade, the Fernandez' SUV and the bus climbed for a half hour over some dramatic terrain. Off to the west were tantalizing hints of even more dramatic canyons, forests and gorges. At a stop sign in Apache, the bus started sputtering and coughing. Fabio barely managed to nudge it into the undersized parking lot of a diner.

An elderly man tottered up, dressed, in such heat, in a jacket that his bony frame didn't even begin to fill. He knocked on the door and Fabio summoned the last reserve of his nervous energy to open it.

“You can't park here,” he said sourly. “You'll have to take it down the street.” He waved his hand to indicate as far on the horizon as possible.

“Sorry, bro, this shit ain't going nowhere,” said Fabio. “We're out of gas.”

The man stiffened. As if the triple shock contained within two small sentences of the disrespectful salutation, the obscenity, and the revelation itself weren't enough, Hector dealt the final blow:

“Close the door! Fluffy escaped!”

“And no dogs allowed in this establishment!”

“No sweat then, it's just a tarantula,” said Fabio.

The man slammed the door shut and retreated a few paces, shouting something, mightily displeased.

Another knock on the door.

“Don't open it!” said Hector, pacing up and down the aisle with increasing agitation. “Don't anyone move!”

“Open the door!” demanded Fernandez, the foulness of his temper a match for the depth of Fabio's collapse. With the air of a condemned prisoner putting the noose over his own neck, David opened the door.

“Close it!” said Hector.

“What the hell's going on?!” said Fernandez, stepping aboard.

“Fluffy escaped, we're out of gas, and I think that guy is calling the police,” said Epi, counting the troubles off on her fingers. “Anything else?”

Fernandez surveyed the bus. Fabio was slumped back in the driver's seat with his head up. Two enormous stains soaked either side of his shirt. Johnny was curled up in almost a fetal position in his seat, eyes wide, and he was actually sucking on his fingers. David's mustache was drooping like the fronds of a dying plant. Hector stood in the aisle, eyes wide as a tarsier's and darting everywhere, hyperventilating and running his fingers through his hair, which by now stuck out at all angles. Epi's nose was pressed against the glass. Fortunately, Fernandez' attention was not directed where hers was, towards the efforts of Linda to mollify the outraged old man, who was berating her and gesticulating, while she pouted and cocked her head coquettishly. Even more fortunately, a circumstance intervened to prevent him from noticing the machinations of his wife for several more crucial minutes.

Something touched Epi's hand, something light, something cool, something furry.

Something that, judging by the speed with which it ran up her arm, was in the same state of nervous disarray as everyone else on that bus.

“Hector! What! The Hell! Is On My NECK!” said Epi, holding herself perfectly still.

“You found Fluffy!”

“She found me! Get her off!”

“You need to control your animal,” scolded Fernandez, who was ignored by everyone.

“Just hold still, baby, I'll take care of that,” said Fabio, springing to his feet. He approached Epi with an evil glint in his eye.

“Fabio! If you touch me, I will kill you!”

“Hold still...” said Hector, creeping up behind her.

Displaying a level of disobedience hitherto considered impossible in an invertebrate, Fluffy edged away from her owner's hand across Epi's collarbone, where she lost her grip and slid down Epi's chest, landing safely in the comforting enclosure of Epi's cleavage.

Epi screamed, but managed not to move. Hector withdrew his hand, dangling it ineffectually in the air.

“I'll take care of that for you,” said Fabio, leaning forward.

“Let me see,” said Johnny, uncoiling himself and craning his neck.

“No! You can't see! Nobody gets to see!

“Your pet is seriously out of control!” fumed Fernandez. “Unacceptably out of control! This is not acceptable! And completely inappropriate!”

“Maybe you need to rename her Chavela, eh, hombre?” said David, smiling for the first time that day.

“Move over,” said Johnny, nudging Fabio.

“Don't touch me, foo, I was about to go get it. You want to kill her?” said Fabio.

“I'm telling you both,” said Epi. “Get any closer and you will die a hideous, violent, gory death. You will both be dead, they will let me off for justifiable homicide, and as soon as I am free again I will spit on your graves.”

“Yo, what are we waiting for?” said Fabio. “We ain't got all day, we got gangsters after our ass and Hector's all dangling his little hand up there like a maricón. Here, Spidey, let me show you how a man does it.”

“NO!”

“Girl, don't make me jump like that, I'm trying to save your life, baby, seriously...”

“Chavela la araña,” mused David. “La araña Chavela.”

“Unacceptable!”

“Hector! Just get the damn thing out of here!”

With the manual dexterity of a top notch musician, or perhaps nothing more than sheer force of will, Hector shot one hand palm up, straight down between Epi's breasts, the other cradling the rebellious little beast from above. The extraction was done almost too fast for the human eye to perceive anything but Hector's fleeting wince of pain as the black and red ball of fury sank her vengeful fangs into her master's left hand while peppering his right palm with her hair.

Epi slumped in her seat. Fabio slid in next to her and said, “Are you ok, baby?”

“Physically, yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“Let me check.”

“NO!”

“How about a little massage?”

“Get away!” cried Epi, smacking his hand.

“Leave her alone!” said Fernandez, yanking Fabio out of the seat. “Hector! For the last time! Get rid of that damn thing!”

Hector hastily secured the lid of Fluffy's cage with one of his shoes.

“That is not what I meant! Epi, niña—” He sat next to her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Hector hurried up to Epi and gingerly touched her other shoulder with the side of his stinging hand. “She really likes you, you know. You made her feel safe.”

“Get rid of it!” said Fernandez. “Now! Put it out in the desert where it belongs!” He waved his hand dismissively. “Out!” Hector backed up several steps. Fernandez took Epi's hand. “I know you've been through a terrible ordeal—”

“Maestro, I think your wife is trying to tell us something,” said Epi.

Linda came up the steps and said,

“We only have ten minutes until the state police are here. This guy says that if we can get the bus out of his parking lot and past the edge of town down there, he'll try to stall them.”

“Stall them?” said Fernandez, who had leapt to his feet at her appearance. “So what, we get an extra five minutes before we get thrown into prison?”

“Better them than the gangsters,” said Johnny, who had gone pale again.

“Híjole, you bunch of idiots, I am not planning on getting either arrested or shot! And anyone who wants to come with me can, and anybody who wants to sit on their ass can do that too and good riddance!”