Cat In Progress
an excerpt

I felt the warm sun on my back, and I stretched, letting my lanky body touch the farthest reaches of the chair. Opening one eye I glanced at the clock on the wall, almost five o’clock. He’ll be home soon.

Yawning, I sat up and batted at the computer mouse with a paw, making the stupid lines on the screen disappear and the dark background of the desktop show up. I paused to admire myself in the reflection. Beautiful tortoise shell markings, brown, black, and long whiskers. I am handsome. Pity they called my marvelous markings ‘tortoise’, though, I do not look like some ugly turtle. I should know. I’ve seen myself and I’ve looked up turtles on the internet. Stupid humans.

Oh well. I open my human’s e-mail and scroll through it with long practiced preciseness. I deleted the most important looking and opened all the spam notes. They call them spam, but so far I haven’t seen any spam come out of this stupid contraption! Spam is good. I’ve had it when he wasn’t looking.

Even if it doesn’t serve delicious meat I’ve come to like this bucket of bolts. I pulled up the Pets Mart website and added a few things to my shopping cart. I of course have my human’s credit card memorized. The total for a couple hundred pounds of wet cat food, a scratching post, and a new bed is rather high, but I’m sure Gordon won’t mind. And if he does? I don’t care, he’ll probably think he did it in his sleep. Oh if cats could giggle maniacally I’d be in hysterics.

I jumped off the chair and sashayed to the front door, sprawling out in front of the door in the sun spot provided by the side windows. Warmth, sunshine, light, pure bliss, who could ask for more? Except maybe some food, I’d like some food right now. That guy better get back here soon.

A car drove into the drive way, I could hear the sound of the tires. I jumped up and darted behind the couch in the living room, my tail swishing back and forth. Crouch low, wait for it… Soon he shall be mine!

The door opened a creak and I leaped just as he stepped on the threshold. His hand reached down and patted me on the head. I stopped mid pounce. Can’t he recognize a fierce mountain cat when he sees one? And petting one on the head? How undignified. I walked away, tail held high in the air.

“Hello to you, too, Ferdinand.”

I stopped and turned, giving him a disdainful look. His greatness, not Ferdinand, numbskull. Get it right. Stupid history professor thinks it’s funny to call his master something out of a book. Bah.

Meowing loudly, I went over to the kitchen, jumping on the counter. Feed me! Feed me!

“Did you behave? I don’t want anymore scratched up furniture.”

Oh. Oops. Ha. Wait till you see your lounge chair. I paced up and down the counter, meowing some more. Give me food!

He opened a can of cat food and put it in a bowl on the floor. Finally! I leapt down and dove at his hand, swiping it away from the bowl. Mine!

The can fell to the floor, almost hitting me on the head.

“Ow, Ferdinand! Don’t do that, is that the thanks I get?”

I gave him what I thought was a smug look. Yes. Mmm nice fish. Tasty. He should give me this more often. That dry stuff he leaves out during the day is simply horrid.

I could hear Gordon moving around the kitchen, preparing his own dinner, but I didn’t bother to look up. I could picture his face in my mind. His hair is his only good feature, in my opinion, it actually is close to the same color as my handsome coat. Unfortunately, his eyes are blue, not the glowing yellow like mine.

In human standards, however, I suppose he could be considered handsome. I think he should get together with that nice lady at Pets Mart. Employee discounts on cat food! Which means more, of course. Stupid guy is too busy for relationships. Or so he claims. Wouldn’t he be mad if he found out what I’d been up to with some of his email earlier today. I found myself wishing to be able to giggle again so I filled my mouth with food.

Gordon went to his computer desk and sat down with his mea. It smelled good so I went over to investigate. I jumped on the desk and stuck my nose in the mashed potatoes, snatching a bite before Gordon shoved me away.

“Ferdinand! No!”

I glared at him and hopped up onto his computer monitor, continuing my gaze of death. He seemed unaffected. I swished my tail back and forth and knocked over his jar of pencils. He ignored me still. I jumped off the monitor and landed lightly on the floor. I glanced back at him and purred to myself, batting around the pencils that lay on the floor.

Gordon glanced down at me and I looked up at him, trying to put my most innocent expression on my face. He sighed. “You are really out to mess up this house, aren’t you.”

I smirked at him. No, of course not. I’m just out to annoy you. Too bad humans can’t understand cats’ motives better. He frowned and scooted his desk chair away from the desk. No, not his desk chair, my desk chair. I sat in it more often than he did, anyway.

He stood and took his plate away, placing it in the kitchen before sitting on the couch. I joined him, pouncing upon the back of the sofa. I growled and bit at it a little, just to annoy him. It didn’t seem to work. He must be getting use to my antics.

Oh well, I’ll just nap a little while he watches his show. I went over to the window, jumping onto the sill and stretching out to my full length. A picture frame got knocked off as I jumped. I stared down at it. Gordon as a teenager next his parents I assumed and some girl next to him.

I closed my eyes and dozed a bit, still rather aware of what was going on around me. Five minutes later I opened one eye. Gordon still lay on the couch, remote in hand, watching some show or other. Why they didn’t put more cat food commercials on was a mystery to me. Just those stupid reality shows seemed to come on now.

Waltzing over to the door I plunked myself down and set to yowling. Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

Gordon got up and unlocked the cat door. “Sometimes I think you’re more trouble than you’re worth, Ferdinand.”

Yeah, well, sometimes I think you are, too. I went through the door, holding my tail high. Darkness already covered everything, the perfect time to be out and about. I sniffed a tree and sharpened my claws, announcing to the neighborhood that it was mine. Mine!