Excerpt: No Small Change

She turned towards me, completely facing me. “This isn’t easy but... " she stared at the thick white plate displaying a shattered hazelnut organic biscuit. “Oh, Therese, I’m pregnant!” That really can't be possible. Of course, it dawned on me, it was a bloody mistake, a carelessness in contraception - she was nearly 40, after all, so her fertility was dodgy anyway. We'd both thought about how our childlessness would sometime in the next phase of our life become non-negotiable rather than a choice and maybe she's taken it all a bit too fast too soon. I could feel that my face was flushed and my neck blotchy at the same time as I remained outwardly calm. The double edged response played havoc with my stomach which now clenched into a fist, squeezing the recently sipped hot coffee into a knife that scraped the lining of my intestines..
"God!" I played for time, to try to guage her reaction to the new situation. Would it be abortion counselling that was needed?- I'd had some practise over the years - or maybe Greg was going to have to finally sit down and be made to have the serious conversation she kept avoiding. I was stricter with Pete, although, really, the outcome was similar in both cases in that nothing changed and both of couples ambled on amiably, but under a veneer of which lay a suspicion of lack of commitment from the men. There were more women than men looking for relationships in Brighton, anyway, every 30-plus woman knew that, though we could never work out why, and we weren’t in a hurry to lose the ones we’d managed to bag. The option that she was actually pleased about the pregnancy and that Greg was on board didn't even occur to me at that moment, but it became a crushing reality stabbing me like a knife as her face cr3ased into a grin as she announced, "And we're getting married, Therese!" And i was supposed to be pleased, to applaud this one step betrayal as my best friend leapt out of my life and into the closed, inward looking domesticity we had scorned for so long. And I was meant to be celebrating!
"I'm stunned," I admitted. Actually, did her features appear slightly softened and did her eyes already have the cow-like passive quality I'd seen before in pregnant friends. Dizziness swam around the edges of my world, merging the individuals trying to find a seat with the long fidgeting queue waiting for delivery of the long-ago ordered coffees. Noise squashed into a flat drone that blocked out everything else. She was happy, I finally could take in. I reached out for her manicured hand and squeezed it, realising instinctively that this was the first of many lies - let's be honest and call them that - that would now widen the gulf that had opened up between us in our relationship. "That's amazing, Sheila.. When did you find out? Must've been a tremendous shock to say the least!" I stopped myself referring to the marriage, dimly aware that I was racked with envy and had to force myself from dwelling on Pete's half-hearted responses to my jolly menion of the `m' word that occassionally made its appearance. But, without kids, what was the point? Now Sheila and Greg had a point. A bloody massive fat-stomached point. Jesus, I guess these things happen and you just have to make the most of it, adapt to your changed circumstances. A mistake, a late pregnancy. Calm became possible again as my psychic map gradually shifted to accommodate the news.
"To be honest, we've been trying for the last two years and, if this hadn't happened, we were going to try IVF. Greg had a sperm count, found it was normal and hey presto! It happened. Men and their egos!" She raised her eyebrows and caught my eye in a familiar moment of conspiracy. But her attempt to re-cement our shared cynicsm at the expense of men had the opposite effect as I rammed my mouth closed, literally cupping my hand over my jaw, covering my lips with restless fingers. Oh, the fact that she hadn't actually shared any of that with me wasn't even being mentioned. Her news carried a double-whammy. That she was leaping into a different league, joining the opposition, as it were, was hard enough to take, but to also reveal that the truth-telling intimacy I'd taken for granted over the past years was a sham, was too much to take in. That a woman would share more with her friend than with her man might seem strange o reflection in some circles, but it was an assumed fact of life for us, a sacred certainty that didn't need investigation, until it was blown apart in one fell swoop by the news that they had been sharing, planning and surviving elemental changes that I hadn't known about.
"It's a bit of a surprise." I admitted, but she didn't pick up on the opportunity to give me what, I later realised, was my last chance at her attention.
"Greg's parents have come up trumps - they're giving him his inheritance early and have given us a deposit for a proper family house - can you imagine cramming a baby into our tiny house?" Well, yes I could. It was small but it was a terraced house in trendy Hanover nevertheless. Visions of brightly coloured baby bouncers and the endless paraphanalia of the modern child appeared before my eyes. O God, she was going to go the fucking Queens Park route, I knew it! " We're going to look at a house on Queen's Park Terrace on Saturday. Need lots of work, but it'd be a good investment." Sheila usually used the word investment to refer to your emotional life, not money. How long had she known about the baby? If Greg's parents and even the fucking estate agents had been involved, I was hardly the first to be told. Surely I would be the first person she'd want to tell. Obviously not. Anger loosened my tongue, heat pulsing up from my breathless chest, replacing the shock and sense of abandonment that had prevented my from giving voice to much but platitudes so far.
"Thought you might have at least mentioned it to me. Maybe on the weekend we went to the Isle of Wight and talked for two days? I mean, I'm pleased and everything, but.." I stopped as I realised she was studying the street scene through the window behind my head, choosing not to listen, had probably made the decision not to be pulled into any kind of emotional re-alignment with me. Maybe she had discussed this and agreed it with Greg beforehand! O God, was I a `problem' now that the two of them must solve?
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