Trouble in Paradiso
an excerpt

What can I say about my childhood? Not a lot of good things, that’s for sure. The only thing I can remember fondly about it was reading. One of my favorites was Huckleberry FInn by Mark Twain. I always wanted to be Huckleberry. Running away from my life. I remember 4 years ago, when I was 12, picking up Nabokov’s Laughter in the Dark. Nabokov sounded Russian (it is) and most Russian authors (well, Tolstoy at least) were snoozers. As soon as I read it, I liked it. Of course, it was about an old man leaving his 50-something wife for a 20-something, and it is all about sex.

Give me a break. I was a twelve-year old boy.

Anyway, other than reading, my childhood was not ideal. I moved all over the place, I was becoming desensitized to it. Or so I thought. I used to be an odd little nerd. And yes, the stereotypical bookworm. I was always bullied, and everywhere I went it was the same. From San Antonio to the O.C. to Orlando to even Minnesota. Out of all of them, I did not particularly enjoy the latter. And the potatoes. Ugh. Or is that Idaho? Hmm...

I’ve been so many places I don’t know chicken crap from chicken salad. Not literally, of course. Reading always gave me weird expressions and as much as it improved my vocabulary, it also changed it for the worse, depending on what I read.

So, although I don’t know all the places I’ve been, I do know that Texas and Iowa are my favorites. Good people, and good food. What’s not to like?

Eventually, after Minnesota (Minnesnowta is my nickname for it, ‘cause the weather sucks), anything would seem like a step up. So, we moved to NYC. I didn’t like the idea because, and I just want to establish this, the Boston Red Sox are amazing. However, I lived there the second-longest, up there with Texas, and I really enjoyed it. Other than the winters and the general badittude of all New Englanders, it was a very good place to live. I connected with a lot of people there, and made friends easily. However, something happened that I never expected.

My parents divorced.

Just last night, they were all hunky-dory about each other. And I wondered, How long has this charade gone on? The very next day, my father proposed to some bimbo and she accepted. Things were moving too fast. One day, it was my old mother cooking my favorite dish for dinner, filet mignon with a blue-cheese crust and macaroni and cheese for any curious parties, and now some whore chock-full of silicon was becoming my mother. All the books came rushing to my mind. This was exactly like Nabokov’s famous novel and yet, I wanted to run away from life like Huckleberry Finn. But the time came to face the facts. This was my life. I wouldnt go down without a fight. i wouldn't run away like Huck Finn. I'd face it head on, and give it hell. I was more of a Tom Sawyer anyway. But then something else happened.

They said we were moving to Hawaii.

But first, they had to make a pit stop to Vegas to get married, of course.

And, clichéd as it may be, from that moment on, my life would never be the same.