Throbbing Loins
an excerpt

Onyxion the Wizard chanted the final words of his incantation, and cast the contents of the goblet against the huge stone portal. The liquid sizzled and puffed oily smoke, spreading on the vertical surface like oil on a pond. With a creaking roar, the massive stones split, slowly opening to reveal a darkness so black, it seemed to suck the light from every torch that surrounded the giant pentacle inscribed on the bare dirt.

"Oh, crap," said Dr. Eldritch, from where he crouched hidden behind a berm on the far side of the glen. "We're too late."
"What?" his companion said. "But... you said we'd be here in time! We could stop him!"
"I do know what I said," Eldritch replied. "And I’m terribly sorry about this. Now that he's cast the elixir on the gate, it's been opened. Once opened, there's nothing stopping Morgorix the Devourer from... Oh. Here he comes now."
Dale's eyes followed Eldritch's, seeing the first tips of purplish tentacles emerging from the tunnel beyond the opening gateway. He inhaled to scream...
"Don't scream," Eldritch said. "We still have the element of surprise."
"We don't have long," Dale said. "Even at the rate he's moving, he'll be to Cindy in..."
"I can see that too," Eldritch said, eyeing the distance from the portal to the heavy wooden alter where a woman lay. She wore a white, toga-like robe, arranged to reveal cleavage, and long, firm legs. Her limbs were bound with heavy ropes to the corners. "I have to say, this Onyxion is quite the traditionalist. This is right out of Deavureaux's Summoning for Fun and Profit, and that came out in the twenties." As he spoke, he drew a shotgun from the sling on his back, and checked its magazine.
"Well, are you ready?" he asked.
"For what?" Dale said. "I thought that if we arrived too late, there'd be no way we could prevent Morgorix from rending Cindy and devouring her soul, allowing him to roam the
Earth and leading to a thousand years of darkness and despair."
"Well, yes, that's true," Eldritch said. "But we can't just sit here and watch."
"You're right!" Dale said. "What's the plan?"
"Not much of a plan, really," Eldritch said. "We run in there, shooting. We can probably take down Onyxion, maybe slow down Morgorix a bit. But he's, oh, fifty-thousand years old, and all those tentacles are like solid rubber. Even thrice-blessed silver twelve-gauge slugs aren't going to do much against him."
"So how do we save Cindy?"
"We don't."
"Then why are we doing this?"
"Look, you don't have to go, but I've got to die trying. I mean, what if word got around that the legendary Dr. Eldritch sat and watched at the beginning of the end of the world? Granted, not many people would be around to talk about it, but I'd know."
"So we're going to die?" Dale said.
"Yes. Don't look so sad, everybody dies eventually. And you really don't want to be around for any part of the next thousand years, they're going to be dreadful, if the prophecies are to be believed. And looking at Morgorix, I suspect they're right; all those glowing eyes and screaming, fang-lined mouths. Odd, though. He's actually quite a delightful shade of purple. Ready?"
"No!" Dale said. "There must be something..."
"I've got nothing," Eldritch said. "But I'm open to suggestions. Anything?"
"Erm... no," Dale said. "Then this is it."
"Yes," Eldritch said. "This is it. Come on, let's go die heroically."
Together, they rose from concealment and with a fierce battle cry, charged the wizard and his demon.