Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

I found this thread highly useful last year, when it came to improving my writing, and as far as I know, no one's started it yet. I know that there are a few out there like 'say something nice about the previous poster,' but this thread is specifically for critiquing the excerpt. There's already one for the synopsis.

That's basically it! Just post your critique of the previous person's excerpt. It can include both positive and negative aspects, but I try to include both. :-)

It's okay to delete or redirect this thread if it's a duplicate.

I loved the idea of it! And it made me laugh. The mutant semicolons were a stroke of genius. I can just imagine what /my/ Inner Editor would have to say. Your writing is fluid and easy to read.

The only thing that's a bit of a weakness is that it seems to lean towards the side of 'extremely silly'. Ignore this comment if silly is what you were going for. :-)

@PhantomDream

At some places you get a bit repetitive, such as when you mention the bedside table twice. Other than that, it flows well, and certainly leaves the reader intrigued as to what is /actually/ going on. I liked the fact that the murderer left different colored game pieces with the victims. I wonder what's up with that? :-D

Agent Double Oh Zero: It sounds excellent! A little fast with the operation bit, but I really like it, and the ending bit really interested me. c:

@Zovesta

Third person present tense is not one I've often seen, but I like the way you've done it. You really get inside their heads, and see their point of view vividly. I could feel Milly's fear, and the gas mask woman's uncertainty. I noticed that you have a few typos and run-on sentences, and I think you can cut out a couple of sentences regarding the function of the suit, but otherwise I liked it!

@bobo_the_bard, this reminds me of Xanth, and how what you think things are when you first read them...aren't. Quite humourous, I also get a good grip on the Narrator's character. Whimsical almost, but particular about the oddest things..keep up the good work!

@bobo_the_bard: It sounds interesting and deviously satirical. I have a feeling you'll be exploring all the woes and downfalls of writing without actually running into them.

@nyroeon

Intruiging. Good, clear description. Definietly something that'd make me turn the page.

[ for: fairyydust ]

Your excerpt is good not only as writing, but as an excerpt. I'm left with a lot of questions about these people, and I'd like to know more!

With such a short excerpt it's hard to go much further, though. You mention 'the music' at the beginning but nowhere else, but I don't know if that's even important, for instance :)

@Denor: Sadly, no, we can't edit our posts at this time. Moving on to your excerpt...

Well, it's certainly very unique! At the beginning, I'm extremely confused as to why the heck a bomber plane and a pony are talking to each other... and I'm still confused at the end, but in a better, more curiousity inclined way. I also have no idea how a pony would manage to "kill" a plane, but they both seemed to think it could be done, so I'll take your word for it.

The emotions and descriptions are really good -even though they're sometimes confusing, that's simply because what you're describing is odd, not because of the actual words/ wording. Your emotions in particular are pleasant to read, as I find them relatable and also interesting.

Last... I noticed you chose satire, humor and parody as your genre. I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I didn't find a funny part in the prologue -well, not funny in the parody, satire sense. The "nice of you to drop by" was amusing. If you want to hook the people reading specifically for humor, a bit more laughs at the beginning might be a good point.

So, besides that... I can't really say I'd eagerly read this, as I'm not hugely into satirical stories, but the excerpt seems to suggest it has a lot of potential. If anything, it certainly makes me curious about what part humans play -if any- in the story, and where the Pony/Plane conflict is gonna go. All in all, it was a fun read!

@ Day Star:
I really like your idea, and the hyphens really created a sense of disjointed, jumbled thoughts. I thought that the part of the first sentence before the comma felt off, like it was written in a different tense. However, I really liked the last line "As her curse had stated, it was time to take a chance". I would definitely read this.

@Day Star

I really like the way you've portrayed Emily's thought processes with the half-finished sentences. It shows the complexity, although since I'm not sure what happened before, it's a bit hard to follow.

Quote:Abruptly she was standing, her short frame fully clothed in a dark blue sweater, dark jeans, a dark V-neck. Everything about her, in that moment, looked dark, from her expression to her clothing; even the way she stood, hunched around herself as if cold, seemed to express some sort of inner conflict. The conflict flickered across her drawn brows, pale lips and sallow cheeks, a suggestion of tension that was here and then gone the next second, the only window to her feelings.
Emily took one last look towards the welcoming, beckoning, open street, with plenty of witnesses and plenty of possible suspects both, and she turned her back on the possibility. She forced one foot towards the door, then the other, and so on, ignoring other patrons' confused or amused looks as her feet dawdled, seemingly of their own accord.

I would probably just remove that first paragraph, since the length of the mental 'pause' as you read the description sort of halts the action of the scene. Either that, or condense it into a single sentence, to evoke how her decision makes her seem cold, or feel cold. That way you bring across the feeling without pausing. The second paragraph is fine, but you might want to rewrite it with shorter sentences. That will play up the tension of the situation. Right now the longer sentences sort of slow it down, because your mind has to pause to process the length of the thoughts.

Other than that, I liked it. The level of detail you put into your character's observations makes her more intriguing. :-)

Ninja'd!

All right, I'll do The Wanderer.

@The Wanderer

You write very cleanly, and it has a good flow of action. As an excerpt, this was a good choice. The scene hooks the reader right away, and develops the conflict nicely, leaving it at a cliffhanger. I want to know what happens next!

@Agentdoubleohzero:

Wow. This sounds really cool. 8) i can't realy explain it right, but I love the feel of it.
Warning: my excerpt is my prolouge and in the long run it doesn't tell you anything about the story.

@The Wanderer
This seems pretty good to me. The style definately seems right considering that it was supposed to have been written along time ago but the readers still have to be able to understand it. However, it could possibly do with a bit more description of the scene, like seeing the city in the distance etc. And to be honest, I'm not actually sure why they killed one of them straight away but not the other one. but besides that, all is well, good luck with it.

@Agent Double Oh Zero

Your story sounds really interesting, I'd like to read more. I think that the operation is a bit... quick? I'd like to hear more about it (unless of course there's a reason for not sharing). I like it. (:

[reserved @ barlowgirl737]

@barlowgirl737

I like. I wanted to carry on reading, if anything it was too short. Nice detail, dialogue was good. Keep it up!

@AsbesdosMoth

Wow. I like the imagery of it. You can really feel the heat of the battle that's happening. You might want to separate the action into smaller paragraphs, though. It's hard to follow what's going on when you have to go through the larger blocks of text. Also, your excerpt was pretty long, but I have no idea who the characters actually are. Why is the Shaman so bent on killing the woman, and who are the archers who rescue her? It might make more sense if I knew the motivations of these characters.

The whole thing has a sort of creepy, ominous atmosphere. I'd like to know more about the story. :-)

------

New excerpt posted.

I have to say, if there is one thing that is awesome it is novels that acknowledge that they are novels. This excerpt was brilliant and it made me laugh, and somehow I get the feeling that you're having a lot of fun with these characters. All of them are quite good too, distinct and the addition of "Mary Sue" was great. I knew exactly what I was reading in five seconds and once I finished I want to read the rest of this novel.
Like, now.
Also: sword that turns into electric guitar = instant epic win.

:D