Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 16:33:12 -0500

I found this thread highly useful last year, when it came to improving my writing, and as far as I know, no one's started it yet. I know that there are a few out there like 'say something nice about the previous poster,' but this thread is specifically for critiquing the excerpt. There's already one for the synopsis. That's basically it! Just post your critique of the previous person's excerpt. It can include both positive and negative aspects, but I try to include both. :-) It's okay to delete or redirect this thread if it's a duplicate.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PhantomDream — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:14:52 -0500

I loved the idea of it! And it made me laugh. The mutant semicolons were a stroke of genius. I can just imagine what /my/ Inner Editor would have to say. Your writing is fluid and easy to read. The only thing that's a bit of a weakness is that it seems to lean towards the side of 'extremely silly'. Ignore this comment if silly is what you were going for. :-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:34:08 -0500

@PhantomDream At some places you get a bit repetitive, such as when you mention the bedside table twice. Other than that, it flows well, and certainly leaves the reader intrigued as to what is /actually/ going on. I liked the fact that the murderer left different colored game pieces with the victims. I wonder what's up with that? :-D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Zovesta — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:41:59 -0500

Agent Double Oh Zero: It sounds excellent! A little fast with the operation bit, but I really like it, and the ending bit really interested me. c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:28:35 -0500

@Zovesta Third person present tense is not one I've often seen, but I like the way you've done it. You really get inside their heads, and see their point of view vividly. I could feel Milly's fear, and the gas mask woman's uncertainty. I noticed that you have a few typos and run-on sentences, and I think you can cut out a couple of sentences regarding the function of the suit, but otherwise I liked it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Shujin — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:55:16 -0500

@bobo_the_bard, this reminds me of Xanth, and how what you think things are when you first read them...aren't. Quite humourous, I also get a good grip on the Narrator's character. Whimsical almost, but particular about the oddest things..keep up the good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

nyroeon — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:58:57 -0500

@bobo_the_bard: It sounds interesting and deviously satirical. I have a feeling you'll be exploring all the woes and downfalls of writing without actually running into them.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

nyroeon — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:06:56 -0500

You posted just before I did, so I thought I should owe you a critique! I didn't understand what was happening until the very end, but it all came together nicely and I found myself suddenly interested in where the story was going, and where it had come from. I like your use of "imprints" for the ghosts the character communicates with. The only negative I see is that the plot could be similar to other stories. However, I feel like your execution will diminish any similarities readers see to other stories.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AsbesdosMoth — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:13:37 -0500

@nyroeon Intruiging. Good, clear description. Definietly something that'd make me turn the page.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fairyydust — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:17:29 -0500

Wow! I really, really want to keep reading. I found it really intriguing. The fighting was well-paced, and detailed enough without hurting the rhythm of the action. Honestly, the imagery was incredible, and it even made me a little queasy. I think it was really interesting.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Denor — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:23:51 -0500

[ for: fairyydust ] Your excerpt is good not only as writing, but as an excerpt. I'm left with a lot of questions about these people, and I'd like to know more! With such a short excerpt it's hard to go much further, though. You mention 'the music' at the beginning but nowhere else, but I don't know if that's even important, for instance :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Denor — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:25:36 -0500

(Can we not edit our posts? I can't seem to find the ability) Wait, just read the synopsis too, the music thing makes more sense now. Though you say she hears it when she sees things, I'm not sure what she's seeing yet (or is it an anticipatory thing? If so, it's nicely done).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Day Star — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:15:49 -0500

@Denor: Sadly, no, we can't edit our posts at this time. Moving on to your excerpt... Well, it's certainly very unique! At the beginning, I'm extremely confused as to why the heck a bomber plane and a pony are talking to each other... and I'm still confused at the end, but in a better, more curiousity inclined way. I also have no idea how a pony would manage to "kill" a plane, but they both seemed to think it could be done, so I'll take your word for it. The emotions and descriptions are really good -even though they're sometimes confusing, that's simply because what you're describing is odd, not because of the actual words/ wording. Your emotions in particular are pleasant to read, as I find them relatable and also interesting. Last... I noticed you chose satire, humor and parody as your genre. I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I didn't find a funny part in the prologue -well, not funny in the parody, satire sense. The "nice of you to drop by" was amusing. If you want to hook the people reading specifically for humor, a bit more laughs at the beginning might be a good point. So, besides that... I can't really say I'd eagerly read this, as I'm not hugely into satirical stories, but the excerpt seems to suggest it has a lot of potential. If anything, it certainly makes me curious about what part humans play -if any- in the story, and where the Pony/Plane conflict is gonna go. All in all, it was a fun read!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Denor — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:24:15 -0500

Thanks! To be honest I really wasn't sure what to use as the genre, as most of the humor is supposed to be of the "This is a world of talking ponies and bombers that takes itself completely seriously" variety. I waffled between that and sci-fi.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Wanderer — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:37:07 -0500

@ Day Star: I really like your idea, and the hyphens really created a sense of disjointed, jumbled thoughts. I thought that the part of the first sentence before the comma felt off, like it was written in a different tense. However, I really liked the last line "As her curse had stated, it was time to take a chance". I would definitely read this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:37:36 -0500

@Day Star I really like the way you've portrayed Emily's thought processes with the half-finished sentences. It shows the complexity, although since I'm not sure what happened before, it's a bit hard to follow. [quote]Abruptly she was standing, her short frame fully clothed in a dark blue sweater, dark jeans, a dark V-neck. Everything about her, in that moment, looked dark, from her expression to her clothing; even the way she stood, hunched around herself as if cold, seemed to express some sort of inner conflict. The conflict flickered across her drawn brows, pale lips and sallow cheeks, a suggestion of tension that was here and then gone the next second, the only window to her feelings. Emily took one last look towards the welcoming, beckoning, open street, with plenty of witnesses and plenty of possible suspects both, and she turned her back on the possibility. She forced one foot towards the door, then the other, and so on, ignoring other patrons' confused or amused looks as her feet dawdled, seemingly of their own accord.[/quote] I would probably just remove that first paragraph, since the length of the mental 'pause' as you read the description sort of halts the action of the scene. Either that, or condense it into a single sentence, to evoke how her decision makes her seem cold, or feel cold. That way you bring across the feeling without pausing. The second paragraph is fine, but you might want to rewrite it with shorter sentences. That will play up the tension of the situation. Right now the longer sentences sort of slow it down, because your mind has to pause to process the length of the thoughts. Other than that, I liked it. The level of detail you put into your character's observations makes her more intriguing. :-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:41:39 -0500

Ninja'd! All right, I'll do The Wanderer. @The Wanderer You write very cleanly, and it has a good flow of action. As an excerpt, this was a good choice. The scene hooks the reader right away, and develops the conflict nicely, leaving it at a cliffhanger. I want to know what happens next!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MaskyPie — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:42:50 -0500

@Agentdoubleohzero: Wow. This sounds really cool. 8) i can't realy explain it right, but I love the feel of it. Warning: my excerpt is my prolouge and in the long run it doesn't tell you anything about the story.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:43:12 -0500

Can't edit. I just wanted to add that even though it's short, you really get the sense that there is a wider world of story behind it. I like the historical detail.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

jordan.williams42 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:44:20 -0500

@The Wanderer This seems pretty good to me. The style definately seems right considering that it was supposed to have been written along time ago but the readers still have to be able to understand it. However, it could possibly do with a bit more description of the scene, like seeing the city in the distance etc. And to be honest, I'm not actually sure why they killed one of them straight away but not the other one. but besides that, all is well, good luck with it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:47:15 -0500

@Agent Double Oh Zero Your story sounds really interesting, I'd like to read more. I think that the operation is a bit... quick? I'd like to hear more about it (unless of course there's a reason for not sharing). I like it. (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:49:53 -0500

[reserved @ barlowgirl737]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AsbesdosMoth — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:52:07 -0500

@barlowgirl737 I like. I wanted to carry on reading, if anything it was too short. Nice detail, dialogue was good. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:53:43 -0500

Thank you. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:55:22 -0500

You do a really great job setting a picture for me. I can genuinely imagine Eden crouching down to keep out of sight of her parents but trying to sneak a peak back up to the house. Just some nit-picks that you may or may not find helpful- "I stand and climb down the ladder to our tree fort, dropping to the ground with a muffled sound." I would consider changing this to "climb down the ladder to our tree fort and drop to the ground with a muffled sound." <-- Otherwise, the tense shift reads awkwardly. "My feet crinkle the leaves beneath me and crack sticks" Maybe switch this order to "The leaves beneath my feet crinkle." Otherwise, it sounds (for a moment) like your feet are crinkling up. "My mum comes inside and closes the door behind her, looking relieved now and I realise that she wasn’t worried about me." Consider splitting this into two sentences. Otherwise, there should be a comma before "and I realize"

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:02:13 -0500

Thank you. (: And you're right, it does sort of sound like her feet are crinkling instead of the leaves. lol

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Wanderer — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:14:36 -0500

They killed the one guy first because he acted like he was guilty.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:20:12 -0500

@AsbesdosMoth Wow. I like the imagery of it. You can really feel the heat of the battle that's happening. You might want to separate the action into smaller paragraphs, though. It's hard to follow what's going on when you have to go through the larger blocks of text. Also, your excerpt was pretty long, but I have no idea who the characters actually are. Why is the Shaman so bent on killing the woman, and who are the archers who rescue her? It might make more sense if I knew the motivations of these characters. The whole thing has a sort of creepy, ominous atmosphere. I'd like to know more about the story. :-) ------ New excerpt posted.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

queenoftheoutlands — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:33:21 -0500

I have to say, if there is one thing that is awesome it is novels that acknowledge that they are novels. This excerpt was brilliant and it made me laugh, and somehow I get the feeling that you're having a lot of fun with these characters. All of them are quite good too, distinct and the addition of "Mary Sue" was great. I knew exactly what I was reading in five seconds and once I finished I want to read the rest of this novel. Like, now. Also: sword that turns into electric guitar = instant epic win. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:40:42 -0500

I got skipped. All my tears. Oh well, I'll critique again. @queenoftheoutlands- First of all, Bramley Chapel is a banging name. You do a nice job setting up the tension between Nightingale and Bramley. Although "preparing to flounce away" <-- I know it was used before, but I cannot help but associate this with an internet forum flounce which takes me out of the time period you seem to be aiming for. "There’s antiques in there" <-- there are? "Nightingale narrowed her eyes and pushed past them into the building, Bramley following, and the two guards bringing up the rear." <--- consider revising to maintain the same tense? i.e. Bramley followed, and the two guards brought up the rear. "Bramley finally stopped short in the doorway of the office though, as had the lady, a couple of steps inside." <--- I get what you're saying here, but the "though ...." phrase reads oddly. I think it's clear that he didn't go in all the way from "stopped short." "Bramley and Nightingale gasped simultaneously and turned, Bramley joining the other guards in snapping to attention at once."<--- tense again - Bramley joined Also, the Mayor being named Marmaduke made me lol.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:56:00 -0500

Wow, just wow. I like it a lot. There are a couple of paragraph that need attention though. What she liked even more, though, was the dark of the morning. What was the best feeling in the world? Waking up, fearing that she had to actually drag herself to school, and realizing that it was still dark out – at least a couple hours more to doze. Those were the best mornings. Unfortunately, this was not one of those mornings. Be conscious of "be" verbs. Many of these sentences can we reworked to emlinate them. "Wake up, Lydia!" Her mother was practically singing. Morning people. How are they even real? Again we have a "be" verb. Change was practically singing to "Her mother practically sang." "I'm up." Dia's lips moved, but the rest of her stayed firmly planted beneath the covers. Just keep the eyes closed, and maybe nighttime will just come back. Tense problem here if it is not indended as a thought, and if it is, you have to let me know that somebody is thinking it if there is a tense change else it is just a tense change. Well, at least she was helping with Dia's chores. Well, at least she helped with Dia's chores. Other than those small things, it is damn good. --JSC

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PhantomDream — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:57:01 -0500

I liked it a lot, as a whole. But it was a bit confusing, what had happened to Henry--it seemed to pop out of nowhere. Oh look, here's a guy with his feet pinned down. Oh look, he's choking. Oh look, he died (I figured he didn't, it just sounded like it). The part about Lydia seemed more put-together, and I thought the routine of her mom waking her up seemed very real. There's a quote from it down here. "Call me Dia." <-- I'm not sure if it's the way it was phrased or not, but it made me feel like she was just meeting someone, instead of talking to her mom, which she probably does a lot. " And where did you learn that technique? Guantanamo? I'm pretty sure we're verging on cruel and unusual punishment here, mom." <-- This seemed very good and realistic dialogue. (I'm bad with geography, so the Guantanamo thing lost some of it's effect. Maybe you should pick a place less obscure.) "If by cruel and unusual you mean effective, then yes, Lydia. Now hurry up. I'll be in the car. I have to ask you a favor once we're on the road." <--- I liked their conversation, but why did she call her Lydia again? Was it to emphasive she was not being called Dia? Because normally, people don't use each other's names that much. But it sounds like a fascinating story and was very well-written. You had good grammar, and it was interesting to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PhantomDream — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:58:38 -0500

Oh, I got beaten to it. The above post was for klmnumbers. Hang on and I'll do J_S_C's.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PhantomDream — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:04:30 -0500

@ J_S_C It was interesting, but it seemed extremely short. You didn't get a great feel for the story. It also confused me a bit--if they were in love and she liked everything about him, why was she thinking about saying no? However, I did like the internal monologue, and it made me want to read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:19:13 -0500

Just because you love someone, you do not always want to marry them. It is cheesy to propose fo someone on their birthday or Christmas and I cringe when I hear people say that they did, the worst for me is New Year's Day though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 19:17:09 -0500

@J_S_C Your excerpt is a bit too short to really convey much, but I loved the idea presented in the synopsis. As for the excerpt itself, it was an interesting look at the way Mystery thinks. I like the conflict of the situation -- she likes him, but has doubts, and also has the added dilemma of not wanting to ruin her birthdays with a bad memory. I already did Phantom_Dream's, but whoever comes next can skip me and do them instead.

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Lady_Eemia — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 20:34:39 -0500

@Bobo_the_bard Wow, I loved both your synopsis and your excerpt! The excerpt was, I admit, a little bit hard to follow. There was so much random stuff going on, dialogue flying around and names being thrown at me that I was a little lost at first. But your novel seems funny, witty, and otherwise entirely entertaining. I'd definitely read it xD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

asmodea — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 20:59:25 -0500

@Lady Eemia: It looks like a great read! :D The only suggestion I have is that bit in the beginning that explained about the horses was a bit unnecessary, and it broke the flow a bit. And also the Elf Number One and Elft two, but I saw that you said it was only for the word count, so it should be alright. I think it's a great start. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:14:17 -0500

Thanks. I definitely agree with all of what you've said. I have trouble keeping the voice even - working out the things you pointed out are a good step toward smoothing it. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:17:45 -0500

Yes. I had her use the name twice to emphasize that her mom calls her by her proper name and refuses to use the nickname. I was trying to show that her mom was a bit type A - picking up the room, early riser, and calls her by her proper name. re: Henry's section - Yeah. I know it's confusing. That's basically the end of his chapter. I just wanted to have both of my voices represented in the excerpt. Just in case you're curious... the set up for that whole scene is that he's out on a fox hunt with his little brother, but his dad gave him a cryptic warning before they went out. Something happens, he obeys his dad and then experiences death pretty much. But no, he's not dead. =) Thank you for the critique. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:22:29 -0500

I just have to reply again since I can't edit. Your critique is really helpful. I have a tendency to favor perfect and progressive tenses. I'm doing a quick read through to switch more of it to simple past. It makes it so much easier to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:22:42 -0500

@asmodea Intriguing concept! I think the use of "Prelude" right after the word "Prologue" is unnecessary. But that may just be me. :) Delete "be" from the "trying to poke holes" sentence about the sword. Delete "only" in the "less than ten" sentece about the mages. Delete "have" in the "degraded themselves" sentence. Please, just one chapter in your synopsis! The prologue is intriguing enough. In "Autumn Festival," the V is capitalized by accident. Didn't finish reading the excerpt, way too long. Stopped after the attack on the duke. Good writing, though. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:23:48 -0500

[reserved for asmodea AND PhantomDream since they were skipped.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:24:12 -0500

Make that Streamer and Phantom =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:31:25 -0500

@Phantom- The excerpt is nice. I like Moira's sort of inner monologue. The 'serial killer!' bit made me laugh. I'll nit pick a little for you in regards to grammar/flow: "Moira was, if not well rested, than at least slightly less tired than the morning before." <-- the nested comment here (if not well rested) chops up the sentence a bit. Consider dropping it just - "Moira was slightly less tired than the morning before - if not well rested." "She stopped at a coffee shop on the way there and was heading for the elevator when someone stopped her. " <--I know this is an excerpt, but where is there? Also, change to "and headed for the elevator" so you have tense consistency in this sentence. "The detectives glanced at each other and the man asked, “Where were you last night?” " <--- this is not entirely clear who the man is - Dr. Emslie is Moira, I presume. You said she recognized 'one' of the detectives, and the detectives glanced at each other. Perhaps describe the detectives in a little more detail so you can specify which one is speaking here. Just some short description so you can say something like 'The bald man asked' or something. Otherwise, it's uncertain what is happening. "The detective hesitated—she thought he might have been Detective Tyler. The woman—Rosen?—had no such qualms." <--same thing here. So, I see that there is a male and female detective. Maybe set that up at the beginning of the excerpt. Again, though, I would specify which detective it is first - like "The man hesitated - she thought he might.." "The detective handed it to her, and she looked directly at it." <-- I wouldn't use detective to describe both Tyler and Rosen. Specify which one it is.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

klmnumbers — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:38:48 -0500

@Streamer - I like the excerpt. Jasmine is a pretty well defined character, and you show her puzzlement over her betrothed well. I like how immediate the discomfort with her mother sets in as well. My nit picks- "she also found herself questioning her feelings." <--also isn't really necessary because of the "and while" set-up of the first half of the sentence. Consider omitting. "The other thing that bothered Jasmine about her relationship was Henry’s continued absences." <-- consider putting into active voice - Something like "Besides her conflicted desires, Henry's continual absences bothered Jasmine." or summat. I write passively a lot. So, it's something I have to work on, too. "When Jasmine asked why he kept making plans when he had to go away, Henry had a vague answer." <--- I don't think the 'Henry had a vague answer' is necessary. You do a nice job making his reply vague. Maybe just - "Jasmine often asked why he kept making with her when he had to go away, and Henry always replied with something like 'I hate disappointing you. But I never know when it will come up. When business does arise, I have to attend to it at once.' "Yet no one but her found the conversation strange." <-- but her is not needed. You've set up that she is conflicted about his actions.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:43:40 -0500

Thanks! Wrote this excerpt in two word wars. Hard to see some of that stuff isn't needed right after you wrote it. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:57:04 -0500

@klmnumbers Amazing setup! I just have one question: Why is Lydia's mom passed out on the couch? Awesome job! I LOVED the wake up scene. Morning people drive me bananas, too. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

asmodea — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:02:49 -0500

Thanks! :) I had fun writing the prologue, but for the first part of the chapter I started to get stuck. I had an idea of what I wanted, but for some reason I just didn't know how to make it more interesting during the dialogue portion. lol Still trying to figure it out but... :'D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:05:20 -0500

@klmnumbers Intriguing! The concept almost reminds me of a wonderful novel that I read this summer called "The Gargoyle." That's just in the sense of a character having an historical past and not to claim that your novel is too similar, of course. I'm quite partial to historical fiction and really enjoyed the first part of the narration. I'd love to know more about the enchantment that sends him to the present. The part with Lydia was believable, especially the dramatics on her part after being woken up. You're spot-on with the typical teenage response. There were one or two simple typos, but fundamentally you seem to be quite well off. Looking forward to perhaps seeing more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady_Eemia — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:07:00 -0500

@Streamergurl Wow, that was amazing! Somehow, you balanced a ton of dialogue with just the right amount of description. I got a real feel for the characters through your dialogue. I really envy you for that, dialogue really isn't my strong point. This is a great excerpt!

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annaspargoryan — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:07:13 -0500

@klmnumbers I really like your style :) Sci-Fi is not really my scene, but I'd keep reading yours. Just a few comments where it's a bit wordy (I'm horribly guilty of this too): "What in the world could create such a color?" is redundant. "What could create such a color?" is enough. "The blue grew brighter and the light more brilliant until the familiar view of the English countryside was blotted out leaving nothing but blue light." The repetition of the blue and the light and the blue light is tricky. I think "The blue grew brighter and more brilliant" and "leaving nothing but the light" could be easier. "The spell was not content to merely strain his breath." I'm not sure that a spell can have an intention - maybe "the spell was not intended to" or "the spell was not designed to"? "thought he might black out – but no, the pressure had simply worked its way to his vision, obscuring everything." could just be "thought he might black out - but no, the pressure had obscured his vision." Really, really like the scene with Lydia!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:56:36 -0500

@Kittehs I like the excerpt. The mirror world thing was intriguing. I was a little lost on how his love was evil, but it was still a cool concept. But I'm lost. I don't know either of the characters. I thought the boy she mentioned in the story was the "he" until he answered her. Give me more details. What card are they talking about? Why is the blood important? Is it important? @Lady_Eemia In your synopsis, add a comma after "nonexistent." You use "stop" twice in the same sentence. "She will stop at nothing to stop the two armies..." Excerpt: Use "its body," not "it's body." Why is the elf's name in parentheses? I love the horses understanding the commands like this! "Elf King had stayed alive that way." Do you mean "Elf Kings"? I like the comment about his "young" daughter being 50. Use "led" instead of "lead" in the werewolf sentence. "His company were tired." Use "was." Ah, now I see the disregard comment. Awesome story! Keep it up! @annaspargoryan I understand the need for comments in square brackets for your manuscript. Please delete from your excerpt. Not sure if "Cancer in Your 30s" should be capitalized. Capitalize your questions after the colons. Wow, you have a lot of colons! The one about Jane's fear isn't needed. Use a dash instead, maybe? I think you need the past conversation between Hugh and Dana in italics. Use quotation marks instead of the dashes. I wasn't thrilled with the profanity. Sorry.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:00:40 -0500

@annaspargoryan I don't really read chick lit, but your scene had me hooked. The portrayal of Jane's emotions is vivid, and really brings out the conflict she feels. I also like the way your prose sounds sort of dreamlike, as if it's something the narrator is remembering afterward, rather than experiencing it at the moment. It's also what makes the incorporation of the flashback so seamless. Usually I find flashbacks jarring, or irritating, but this one fit. It's a bit unclear as to who is remembering it, though...is it Hugh's memory, or Jane's? Also, the last two sentences confused me. Who is having that conversation? Is it between Jane and Hugh, or Hugh and Dana? When does it take place?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:00:45 -0500

@annaspargoryan I absolutely loved this. The realism in it was haunting, and I felt like I could relate to all of the characters. It seems like this novel will be terribly sad, but it's beautiful in a way I wouldn't have expected. I love your writing style. If I could make any suggestion it wouldn't be to change anything in your excerpt, but in your synopsis. I couldn't tell at first which "she" had been diagnosed, but once I started reading it all clicked into place. I especially love the scene describing Hugh first meeting his wife! Gorgeous!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thoughtsofnothingness — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:00:48 -0500

@annaspargoryan I really love your excerpt! It got me really invested in Jane's and Hugh's relationship, which you can tell that is full of hardships and complications. And you did a great job in making Jane a character the reader will feel sympathy for, and her worries about Hugh also made me care for him a lot as a character. I really hope that their relationship will work out in the end!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:01:08 -0500

Ninja'd again! All right, I'll do streamergurl.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MaskyPie — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:04:45 -0500

@thoughtsofnothingness Love the way Bryan's thoughts roll out. It really shows his emotional state right now, that disbelief and disconnect. Looks really cool. 8)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:11:17 -0500

See, I have a problem with setting the scene. Can we borrow each other's specialities for the day? I'll beef up your dialogue and you beef up my descriptions. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:13:08 -0500

@streamergurl Sorry! I'm really terrible at writing a synopsis, but if I had it would have made more sense. This is kind of what I'm getting at: She's a Virgo. If she had any friends, perhaps they would call her that, but she doesn't. Virgo is content to live out the rest of her life alone with nothing but her quiet focus and dedication to her studies to keep her company. That is, until she happens to witness a terrible accident one night in which a nameless young man is killed. She tries to put the incident behind her, but it becomes increasingly difficult, especially when the the spirit of the young man attaches itself to her. Connected to this amnesiac spirit in a way that she doesn't fully understand, Virgo must decide whether this unexpected ghost is the companion she never wanted but secretly needed, or if his presence will harm her in ways she never imagined.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:13:43 -0500

Thanks for your feedback! :) It sounds like there are quite a few stylistic bits in my excerpt that aren't to your liking, which is really good to know. How many colons is 'a lot'? I'm a big fan of the ol' colon (as you'd have guessed, obviously). On the capitalisation, I believe that's a regional thing - UK English doesn't capitalise after a colon. The past conversation with Dana and Hugh is in italics in my local copy, I completely agree with you there. I started another thread about the best ways to swap between past and present conversation, it doesn't sit quite flush for me at the moment. I understand the profanity comment, and I suppose that will always be a personal preference. For these characters, who are grieving and angry, it sits better with me (though it's not how I personally would express it). Thanks again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:16:31 -0500

All right. I have more details. But I'm still lost. What's a Virgo? What studies? If you aren't going to name the young man, don't say "nameless." It works better. Last sentence is intriguing. *waves to next poster* I got skipped, but so did a few other people.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:17:24 -0500

We sat on the beach for a while watching the sun set over the water, orange pink and blue filling both the sky and the ocean. Jesse finally convinced me to go on the roller-coaster with him. It wasn’t even that big the only feature that made this ride special, he told me, was its age. It was one of the oldest roller-coasters in the United States. Walking towards the line I realized that it was going to take forever to get through. I have always enjoyed roller-coasters but standing through line for this one made me doubt myself. It was red and wooden, and whenever a car went over the tracks it made a loud racket. It kind of scared me, knowing the age that the tracks would break when we were on it. "It will be fine," Jesse assured me, "I've been on it a million times and I'm still here, aren't I?" Even with his assurance I was still a bit scared. I never like putting my life in the hands of unreliable objects. We neared the front of the line and my apprehension, dissipated, and was replaced with excitement. The long line wait didn't even seem that long anymore, because i had someone to talk to.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:17:28 -0500

All right, this seems to be a ninja fest. I guess I'll post this, since I already wrote it out, then I'll do Kittehs and MaskyPie since they got skipped. @streamergirl Oooh, I like it. I like the way you portrayed how Jasmine argued with her mother's plan. The Queen's reasoning that it was okay to lead a man on by pretending to go see another man but not to ask the first man what his intentions were outright made me laugh. :-D Gotta love a manipulative mother! The only nitpick I have is that if Jasmine is the princess of the land, Henry probably would not want to offend her or her mother by always being busy, and would probably pretend to be civil on the surface at least, and make time for her even if he didn't want to see her. Jasmine would still probably pick up on his disinterest pretty fast, though, if she tried to get to know him and he remained distant. Also, perhaps this conversation could be a bit more concise, as there are bits where you repeat things; you mention several times that Jasmine has been seeing Henry for two months. Otherwise, I like where this is going!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:21:00 -0500

I know this is kind of long but I wanted to see what people thought of this scene

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:21:26 -0500

It's an astrological sign. He gets a name later so it will be less confusing. Thanks for the feedback!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:25:28 -0500

@MaskyPie I love the format of it! I've never seen a textual rendering of a series of recorded videos before, and I like the effect it has, of showing you bits and pieces of time. It's a bit hard to tell what's going on, though, especially with the conversation at the end. Are those youtube commenters? @Kittehs I like the story about the boy who goes into the mirror, and the twist that the speaker puts against it by saying that everyone's evil. I'm not sure what's going on, though, or even who or where the characters are. What's the conflict?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

taylor21 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:25:40 -0500

I know my writing is crap, so don't be too hard on me :( A look of hurt flashed on Nora’s face; the kind of look you would give if someone just kicked your puppy. For some perverse reason, I wanted to hurt this girl. I hated the way she smiled so care freely-just like I had before Song died. I resented her cheerfulness when there was so much pain in my life. She stared at me curiously for a few more seconds before turning back around to chat with some blonde girl about what classes they had together. I laid my head back down on my arms for the rest of the period, silently wishing I was anywhere but here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:28:22 -0500

I also didn't realize people were looking at the excerpt on the novel info page... sorry

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:28:28 -0500

Jasmine's the youngest of six children. She's not the only princess of the land, just the one that's currently available. You're right that Henry wouldn't want to offend her...but he's a smooth dude and charms his way out of things. I know what he's doing now...just haven't figured out how to let Jasmine in on it. I'll look at the repeating bit. I wrote this scene during back-to-back word wars, so it might need some more work. Thanks! *waves at next poster* Skip me! Read the posts above! Several people have been skipped and need to be critiqued!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:32:03 -0500

@3SFAEDR Doing you because you got ninja'd. No, it's not really that long, considering that there are excerpts ranging from a few sentences to a couple of thousand words. You have a few grammar issues. "It wasn’t even that big the only feature that made this ride special, he told me, was its age." should be two different clauses. Either place a period or a semicolon between big and the. In the last sentence, capitalize I. Otherwise, there's really not much else happening, so I can't really tell what the story's about, or why the roller coaster is important. Also, maybe instead of telling the narrator's emotions and saying she's scared, you should work on showing them. Describe the physical sensations she goes through. How does she feel when she's scared? What does the thought of the roller coaster breaking apart while they are on it do to her? That way it'll help the readers get inside her head more and experience what she experiences.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thoughtsofnothingness — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:34:44 -0500

@bobo_the_bard Your excerpt was absolutely brilliant, and I adore the entire concept of a parody of the standard fantasy tropes, especially the dreaded Mary Sue trope. I can already tell that it's going to be a rip-roaring hilarious adventure of a novel, and I also absolutely love that any fantasy writer (or any fiction writer at all!) would be able to relate to your character. It's a bit confusing without more of a context for the excerpt though, but I'm sure it'll make sense if I read the entire novel!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:36:46 -0500

Thanks, I didn't notice that before. I'll post back when I get into the main rising action, This scene is just supposed to show the relationship of the two characters.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:38:01 -0500

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it - especially the flashback, I'm still not quite sure about my treatment of that, so your feedback is really helpful. The last two lines are a conversation between Hugh and Dana at the same time as the flashback. I think it's clearer in the formatted version (both parts of the flashback are italicised). It's supposed to form part of how much Dana and Hugh want to have a family together, which is important later on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:39:51 -0500

Also thanks for the help on showing her emotions, l normally write in third person omnipotent, so writing this has been really different.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:47:10 -0500

@thoughtsofnothingness I love it! I'm not a fantasy reader, but I am a nerdy gamer and the descriptive elements in your excerpt are just magical. I love that Bryan is so stoic outwardly, but we get so much of his worry and love for his son. The dialogue is excellent too - dialogue in fantasy is part of the reason I struggle to read it, but yours flows easily.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:49:33 -0500

@taylor21 Aaargh, I hate it when the forums create a new page so quickly! Too many people get ninja'd that way. It's a bit too short for me to figure out what's going on, or even who the narrator is. I couldn't check out your synopsis, because your name just redirects me to the dashboard. Also, 'smiled so care freely" is incorrect. You might want to say 'in a carefree manner.' Carefree is one word. Mainly, I'm wondering what happened to the narrator. Why is she so pained? You might want to mention that, in order to put her emotions in perspective.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:00:55 -0500

I actually loved it. I mean, it is still rough, as first drafts are prone to be, but it was still something you usually don't see. It wasn't sensual, it wasn't going for any sort of feeling in the sex at the end (Which I found the most interesting part based on how it was written) As it says in the synopsis, it was simply a sad affair. You get that message across in such a powerful way that I almost didn't want to read further. This may be a problem though. Way to write the most depressing book ever freaking written. T-T

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:09:41 -0500

I am sorry to whoever faces the sneering wall of text that is my excerpt, Nano is not a fan of indents.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:18:31 -0500

It's not that big. I handled it. D:< haha. I think it's good, I enjoyed reading it. (: I did need to go back and read above though since I was like o.o when I got to the end. lol One thing I did catch though is that in the sentence ' slowly my muscles tensed for seemingly now reason' it should be 'no', not 'now'. (: Keep it up and good luck with your novel. ^^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:21:59 -0500

Thanks for the spelling thing. Honestly I can't be bothered unless it's a red line at the moment.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Day Star — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:22:28 -0500

@Metrokitty: It was pretty good (beside the whole lack of indents thing. Have you considered doing it yourself, manually?) and it seems quite... ominous, yes, that's the word. It's a little bit rusty -an error here, an error there- though I assume that's just the first draft talking. [quote]“Plans Dave,” I said in a false apologetic tone. The longer this day had gone on the more I actually wanted to see Karen. Everything had just seemed somewhat surreal about the day since a girl walked into my office without any pants. This may be because that is the way a lot of my dreams start.[/quote] This is kinda awkward. You switch tenses near the end -instead of "that may have been" or something like that, it was "this may be"- which makes it seem jerky and rather irrelevant. I liked your characterization. I found you really got a feel for the character, of his nature, and your description of his fear/ reactions was pretty realistic. I'm not sure the excerpt would draw me in, as I'm not much of a horror buff, but I think it's got the potential to be a great scary story.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:29:33 -0500

You're welcome, although it appears I've missed some things. o: I should probably (definitely) go to sleep. I agree with Day Star though. (: I like your character.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Canuckie — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:44:54 -0500

I admit I have a certain unfounded prejudice against things written in present tense, so it usually takes a fair bit to win me over. But I feel like in this case the tense adds to the innocence and youth of your narrator, which I was surprised to find myself genuinely enjoying. I thought the excerpt itself was a nice teaser of the story. It gave a nice little taste while still keeping enough concealed to make it intriguing. Obviously it was too short to really get to know anyone beyond your narrator, but you were able to give her a clear picture of her and she came across as very likable and easy to relate to.There were a few grammar/punctuation snafus, but hey, it's NaNo, that's to be expected. ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Day Star — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:55:00 -0500

@barlowgirl737: Apologies for skippin ya, I was ninja'd. I really, really like this idea. It's intense, interesting, and certainly thought provoking. The story synopsis/ excerpt combined is certainly enough to grab my attention and keep it. However, there are two things I'd like to point out, minor could-be-plot holes [quote]“Yes,” I tell him, nodding. “I will.” I stand and climb down the ladder to our tree fort, dropping to the ground with a muffled sound. The leaves crinkle and sticks crack beneath my feet as I hurry from the woods back to my house. When I arrive I’m panting and out of breath.[/quote] I just noticed this -"and climb down the ladder to our tree fort." The description makes it sound like Eden is travelling to the tree fort, not out/away from it. Maybe something like "and climb down the ladder that led to our tree fort." Also, the fact that she's panting seems a little strange -unless she's out of shape. If the tree fort is close enough to the house that voices can be heard, I doubt the distance is enough to leave you panting, unless you truly booked it or were out of shape. [quote]My mum grabs me by the shoulders and hugs me then pushes me back to see my face. “What were you doing?” she asks at the same time my father demands “What were you thinking?” He stops beside my mum looking angry. “I was playing in the woods,” I tell them both.[/quote] The hug really does seem to suggest some sort of unfeigned concern, and then you later on say they were only worried that she "told someone." Unless there are witnesses that require a good show, an unconcerned parent probably won't hug their child for any reason. Anyways, besides those three points (miscount on my part, my bad) I like it. A little short, but that makes it somewhat mysterious and intriguing. All in all, a cool excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Day Star — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:03:47 -0500

Uurgh, I just can't type fast enough /disgust. @Canuckle: I loved it, quite simply. There are a few awkward sentences, but the overall theme definitely carries the reader through that, easy. The ending neared total epicness, and it definitely made me want to continue reading... a bit desperately, actually. I just have one comment: [quote]Suddenly I remembered what part of town I was in and for the first time in my life I actually hoped that the sleazy asshole hitting on me didn’t have anything in his pockets and that he was just happy to see me. But the man didn’t seem angry; he simply went on grinning smugly. I let out a grunt.[/quote] Before this paragraph, you gave us an excellent description of what the ghetto-ish place looked like and how she felt about being there. She seemed to feel very strongly, in a negative way. And yet, she "suddenly remembered what part of town" she was in? It just seems rather contradictory, even if she was a volatile nature. Besides that, loved it, loved it, loved it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Canuckie — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:16:30 -0500

Yeah, I was a bit wary about that bit too, in all honesty. Thank you for confirming it though, it'll definitely help come editing time! :) And thank you so much for your kind words!! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

knaffhauser — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 02:07:32 -0500

@Day Star -- There's something interesting about the premise, and I see it starting to unfurl in the paragraph where it's demonstrated (i.e. "Go through the door..."), but I can't really tell from this sample if the idea is paying off... I'd like to see that paragraph have a lot more thoughts, a lot more detail. I'd recommend italicizing these paragraphs as well to help them stand out. Something that bothers me a little is that the next paragraph says an answer was found here, but I don't really see what the answer is here. Also, at this point, it seems to me as if it could be embellished with a lot of tangents, if her mind is working like a supercomputer which seems to me to be the idea. One way to "cheat" to get this would be to google every fifth or sixth word and put a bunch of details in... for example, "Go through the door, doors were invented by ____ in ___ and are used ..., deal with people, i.e. homo sapiens, ..." Not sure if that's of interest, but it seems like one way to go. Anyway, there's my two and a half cents.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 03:32:03 -0500

@knaffhauser I love the hectic, confused nature of the story. It seems like it would keep you on the edge of your seat throughout the novel. That being said, I don't really know what is going on in the excerpt, but what I can discern, I really like!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

laurence ashton — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 03:42:20 -0500

@knaffhauser While I do think you've got something interesting going on here -- the cameras (who's spying on these people) and the curious rooms and the fact that your characters seem to be held hostage -- it just seemed to happen much too fast for me to keep up. There was a good-sized chunk of dialogue there in which so many different things seemed to be happening all at once. I asked so many questions one on top of another, and my mind jumped back and forth so fast I felt like I got whiplash from it. Other than that, I just wasn't certain what "The name's a good one, too. It'll make the paperwork easy." was supposed to mean, or why it was in the paragraph. I liked the second part (the descriptive passage) much better, but my only complaint there is that's it's a run-on sentence. That can be very confusing for people to read, so I'd recommend breaking it down into bite-sized chunks that are much easier for the reader to swallow. I think breaking the second paragraph down will lend more to the atmospheric emotion you're trying to convey in that paragraph anyway. Think about how much energy it takes to ramble on like that--a lot of energy and a lot of breath. However, the character in that moment is just on the brink of death (from dehydration, no less, which would make him even less coherent)--as I understood the passage; it was too short to get a real sense of context here--and he would be very weak and delirious. His thoughts mightn't make sense and probably should come in much shorter "breathier" spurts, which gives the sense that he's gathering all of his strength to say this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

puigcaro — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 04:56:40 -0500

@laurence ashton I loved your excerpt! I'm usually not into fantasy but I found it quite captivating. It sounds like a great setting for a story :) (Long excerpt is long. No need to critique mine, I'm just procrastinating)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kcde — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 06:12:39 -0500

@puigcaro What? And leave you out of all the fun? I actually really liked your excerpt. It was definitely action-packed, and got my attention even though I had absolutely no idea what was going on (but that was also half the fun - I waited until I was done reading your excerpt before I checked out the synopsis for exactly this reason). This definitely looks like a book I would read. Great job so far! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thoughtsofnothingness — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 06:17:42 -0500

@kcde Your excerpt is rather short and I'm not really sure of the context of it, but from just the dialogue I can already tell that I'll like Jack and Will - their banter is lovely, and I can definitely see that their characters shine through in every line.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

puigcaro — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 07:36:09 -0500

@kcde Aw, thanks! I'm glad you liked it since I'm behind and a little discouraged thinking the idea is terrible :) Your excerpt was fantastic, I would definitely want to read the rest of that book!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

whoiscraig — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 07:47:14 -0500

Okay, I think my story is coming out pretty good, but then maybe its all in my mind, so I figured I'd brave the critique thread and see what people think. This is the first scene of my novel. Keep in mind its a horror/haunted house story. ----------- 15th April, 1991 It was a key. She picked it up and read the tag. Attic - 23 Cordelia Crescent, Coral Hills. It was the attic key. The attic key Henry said was lost. The only word that she could think of was why. Why would he lie about the key? Why would he hide it? Why would he forbid her from calling a locksmith? After all, it was just an attic. It was probably empty anyway. But it was her attic. Didn't she have a right to see what was inside? Nodding, she grasped the key tightly and walked out of the bedroom, then turned right to the attic steps. At the top, the door sat quietly closed. The house was silent, waiting for her to act. She climbed the steps. The key slid smoothly into the lock. She turned it and the lock clicked open with no protests at all. She pushed the door and it swung open. The large grey attic sat waiting on the other side of the doorway. A maze of boxes filled the room, both small and large, and a thin passage led between them to the back of the room. The small voice in the back of her mind told her to be careful. She took a deep breath and stepped inside. The air was thick and musty. She needed to open a window, but the only window was across the other side of the room, down the thin passage between the boxes. Instead she opened the nearest box and found it filled with newspaper clippings from the 1950's. The top one was about the search for a bunch of missing children. She ignored it, closed the box and stepped further into the room. The next box she opened contained photographs, slides and old negatives. She lifted one slide into the air and held it against the light, barely able to make out a group of children with a tall, slender man. She dropped the slide back into the box and moved on. She stepped further inside. Here, towards the end of the attic, the boxes opened to a large empty space. A clearing in the forest of boxes. The only window in the room was set into the wall at the other end of the empty space. She would have to cross the clearing to open the window. Was it really that important? Perhaps she could leave the window closed. But the air was so stale and old. The room really did need to be aired out. They could use this space, there was were still a lot of unpacked boxes lying downstairs. The small voice in the back of her mind told her to go back. Leave the attic and never enter it again. She ignored it and stepped forward into the empty space. It wasn't empty. Something took hold of her. Icy cold hands held her shoulders, yet there was nothing there at all but the stale air. She struggled and the grip loosened. She caught her breath, and worried that her troubles were returning. Her mind was straying away from her again. But why, the past month in the house had been perfect. She was happy, wasn't she? She shook her head. No, she wouldn't let it happen. She was the one in control. She straightened her back, held her head high and strode across the room to the window. Cold hands pushed her heavily and she stumbled against the wall. She was roughly turned around and held there, hands on her shoulders, hips, legs. Hands, too many cold, icy hands, and yet nothing there. She screamed, and another invisible hand clamped over her mouth. The hands at her legs spread her thighs apart. She struggled and fought, but they were stronger than her. Cold icy wind blew against her neck. No, not wind; breath. It was breathing on her, sniffing her. It licked her, its large slimy tongue sliding up her face, and she shook. She tried to close her legs but the cold hands were too strong. She tried to struggle free but she was held tight. Then, as the tongue licked her face again, she felt it enter her - and this time nothing could stifle her scream.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 08:31:50 -0500

Oh, the drama! I think you picked a good part of your story to sample thoughtsofnothingness. The plot is just rolling and I can tell that these two characters will be a key part of the story. I wonder about the son, there's the jaded reader in me saying, "One of these three characters is not what they seem" and then another that says, "Maybe this will be played straight." It ended on the perfect cliffhanger and I'm enticed- "what happens next?" "Why are Captain Diers and Timothy Todd [love the alliterative name- rolls off the tongue] at odds? Is it solely because Diers thinks Todd killed his son?" "Is Diers' son really dead?" And the writing is smooth, even description and dialogue to keep me from looking elsewhere.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 08:39:22 -0500

@whoiscraig, I really like your style of writing. I loved the short sentences that grew as the excerpt went on. Sometimes it better to start from the beginning, but your story shows why starting in the midst of events already set in place can make the right story stand out. And then things got kind of scary. When she entered the house and saw that photograph of the tall, slender man and the children, my mind went immediately to the Slender Man Mythos and I read the story with wider eyes. I want to believe that you chose those words specifically to invoke those feelings. Kudos to you, because it added to your soon to be chilling descriptions. MY favourite line was "Icy cold hands held her shoulders", beautifully personified and made me roll my shoulders. I was creeped out and as I read the rest and became more aware of what [at least I think] is about to happen, I got really, really uncomfortable. You're not writing it in a distasteful way, so I'd keep reading... I'd like to ask, does she have a name? [if yes, you don't have to say]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Quinzy — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 09:24:53 -0500

Mine is on my profile

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:10:04 -0500

Thank you. (: I'm glad you enjoyed it despite the tense. ^^ Also it's so short becaus when I put it up yesterday that's pretty much all I had written. lol I'm a bit behind in word count.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:11:56 -0500

Note to all new posters for this thread: Please place your excerpt on your profile under Novel Info, not on this board. Okay, time to critique someone.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:12:55 -0500

Thank you for the input, I'll change those things. (: Also, her mum actually does care about her but she doesn't want to anger her husband so she brushes it off. I haven't been able to fix that yet. But thank you again. (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sibyllah — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:17:17 -0500

[quote=Quinzy] Mine is on my profile [/quote] Yours is spooky. I like the mystery in it-- neither the MC nor the reader knows what it going on, and it creates suspense that makes me want to keep reading. I also like the technique using the journal to explain the background!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

VannVicente — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:23:16 -0500

@Quinzy, I must say, the plot is intriguing. It's a tad bit vague, but it's definitely good. I find myself wanting to read more, which is a good sign. It's was an interesting premise for the most part. I do have to point out, there were some tiny quirks. Tiny ones, but still quirks. "So far, I haven’t been pursued, that’s a good sign. But I am uncertain if I am actually alone." seems a tad bit awkward. But there were some lines I loved. For example, the last line "Closing her eyes and opening her arms, she let death claim her." was really good. I just keep imagining it in a movie with Kate Winslet in it. XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Quinzy — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:23:20 -0500

Thank you! Right now, I'm trying to get into the story that will lead up to the prologue.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

VannVicente — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:27:33 -0500

Sorry bout that. I posted it after you did. XD @Sibyllah Your novel is definitely something I'd like to read. It has a very nice flow to the language it uses. It's classy; you're doing an excellent job of describing all the details without it seeming like rattling at any point. I love it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sami-Fire — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:33:38 -0500

[quote=VannVicente] Sorry bout that. I posted it after you did. XD @Sibyllah Your novel is definitely something I'd like to read. It has a very nice flow to the language it uses. It's classy; you're doing an excellent job of describing all the details without it seeming like rattling at any point. I love it. [/quote] @ VannVicente Abbi sounds like a very cute girl, even with her unusual quirks and powers. My only quibble is the little narrator interruption at the beginning ("that's getting ahead of the story though"). It's a little jarring and disrupts the flow of the rest of the excerpt. However, I love how this piece does a good job of setting her up as a normal girl just before her powers turn everything upside down. Good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:35:27 -0500

@StarFoxMcCloud I would combine the first two sentences in your synopsis so we don't have the same phrases repeating themselves. Maybe, "Ten years ago, both Mordecai Justice and Christophe Wright were late to their Criminal Justice class at Liberty High School. Humiliated by their teacher..." Delete "new" and just say "young daughter." Awesome synopsis! On to the excerpt. Never seen the word "acclimitized" before. Please reword the "human resource officer" sentence. I had to read through to the next paragraph before I understood I was reading a brief flashback of when he met Mai. Delete the "human resource officer" tag from the quote. Not needed. Delete "was what" in the following sentence. Delete "was what he was thinking" in the last sentence. Consider italicizing it, since it's the character's thoughts. Cool story! @Quinzy Consider deleting "and stuff" from your synopsis. Thank you for providing a setup to your excerpt! Reword the "only one there" sentence. Doesn't flow quite right. Maybe "Since she was the only one there..." "That's a good sign" should be a separate sentence. Delete "the main meal." Maybe reword to "as if I was under some enchantment..." Since most of this passage is a journal, consider italicizing it to distinguish from when she's jolted out of her writings by her thoughts. Whoa! Creepy ending! But now I'm intrigued. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Day Star — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 11:58:52 -0500

Thank you very much for the advice! On Word, the thought portions are italicized, but I don't know how to do that on here...? You're right though, it would make it much, much easier to read. Her mind isn't actually a super computer, though now that you mention it, I'll have to skirt that issue carefully. So, it's not like she remembers every little fact she's ever known, or anything like that And you'd llike the thought bits to be longer? I was worried that they'd become skim-through non-entities, and thus be boring, if I made them too long. You think more details and more thoughts wouldn't turn off the reader or make them bored? Thank you, once again, for the help!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 12:00:47 -0500

@Sami-Fire Interesting premise. Since you included the description of the Ode to the Truly Beloved in the synopsis, I suggest cutting the exact same definition of what the song will do from your excerpt. And while I understand the priest's explanation for what will happen and what the singer must embrace was intended for the readers, I have a hard time justifying the explanation as it took place from the pulpit. Obviously, she's heard this bit before, so why is it directed at her? Since nothing's accomplished yet, wouldn't the priest keep it under wraps? Or speak vaguely. "I've spoken with a member of the congregation who I believe can be the next Creator." And then the lady can interrupt the service with her song.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 12:15:22 -0500

Uh oh, drama. o: I really enjoyed your excerpt. I wasn't really reading to find errors, but nothing jumped out at me either. I just wanted to let you know I liked it and I think your writing is pleasant to read. (: Good luck with your novel. ^^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 12:45:45 -0500

@barlowgirl737 I liked your excerpt. Good use of first person present tense; it really brings the action in your face. After reading your synopsis and excerpt, I'm mainly wondering...what's with Edwn's parents? What made her dad so controlling and her mom so submissive?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Edge of Sanity — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:06:20 -0500

Your excerpt is filled with so much personality! I laughed so hard. At first when I skimmed it over I thought to myself that you have too much dialogue nd not enough prose, but it seems to work very well in your favor. You have a gift for satire and I would love to read more. I noticed a few grammatical errors but not enough to make the reading unbearable. They will be easy enough to fix up in December. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Nasa — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:18:46 -0500

Edge of Sanity: Oooh, nice set up. There's a definite eerie air built with the description in the first paragraph. I'd keep a bit of an eye out to make sure it doesn't start drifting towards the overly ornate. Creating atmosphere can be a little tricky sometimes. Good job of adding just enough about the man and what he's up to and what, exactly, he might be to be intruiging. I'm definitely curious. I like the way the dialouge of the two women is written. Nice little punch of flavor to it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MaskyPie — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:23:03 -0500

@Nasa: oooh. Very interesting. I wish I could read more of this. I like the way it builds up.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

itsgotghosts — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:34:46 -0500

To MaskyPie: What an interesting way to frame a story! I really like the idea! I feel a little thrown off my the format, but I think that's just because the Nano excerpt box is very limited in representing what the book will actually look like. It could definitely work on a page. The one issue I had was that the narrator seems to be looking back at events based solely on the videos, and yet we know what's happening even when the cameras are off. At some times, we're inside the character's heads. Either narration style could work--the omniscient third person or the very limited view that the cameras have--but I'd pick one. That's just me. Good luck, and happy writing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

barlowgirl737 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:39:43 -0500

I guess you'll have to read it to find out... ;D No really though thank you. (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:59:34 -0500

Thank you for the helpful feedback! The fact that she's "new" is an important plot point. Do you think that I should still delete it? How do you use italics on this site?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:07:34 -0500

It may be an important plot point, but it makes for an awkward read the way you have the sentence structured. Use and (no spaces) to start and end your italics.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:12:39 -0500

@itsgotghosts I like your synopsis. But please make it more than one long run-on sentence. You've got the right information. Just need more periods. :) Out of context, "the point is" looks odd to start off your excerpt. Consider cutting it from this snippet. "Won't" needs an apostrophe. In the sentence with "on the news," consider adding "about a" before talking about the guy in the river. Longer excerpt, please. I want to learn more about these characters, but I'm intrigued anyway. ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sami-Fire — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:29:57 -0500

Ah, good points, all of them. I should make it clearer that he made her come there, and I should probably take his focus off of her because he's supposed to keep it a surprise (although the "eye contact" bits were meant to hint to the reader that someone important was in the crowd). Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thegirlbartleby — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:24:10 -0500

@ steamergurl -- interesting excerpt. I liked how you set up conflict so quickly between the mother and daughter, and highlighted the theme of marriage for love vs. marriage for convenience. I wish that I had more insight into the daughter's feelings though -- she doesn't seem to be particularly passionate about either suitor. In the end it seems like she's very set on staying in her own country, but I don't feel like enough information was provided to make it clear that she has something to lose by leaving, if that makes sense. The key to holding my interest is knowing the character really *wants* something, and I just wish I knew what it was she did. Another small thing I noticed was your repetition of the word 'mother'. I feel like it was a little formal. I know when I'm talking to someone, I don't constantly repeat their name if it's just the two of us, it just sounds funny. But otherwise, it was very well written. Happy writing! the Girl Bartleby

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Quinzy — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:33:03 -0500

@streamergurl. Thank you! Your suggestions and ideas helped a lot. I had the entries italicized on a word editor I used, I didn't know how to do that on Nanowrimo when I posted it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Miikaan — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:43:56 -0500

@ bartleby I love your writing style; it kept me captivated and interested on what was going on. The dialogue flowed very well, and you're very good at describing feelings (in the dialogue part). What I would suggest is putting more feeling into the first part of your excerpt; as in, making it less like you're going through the motions and just telling her what she's doing. c: I really do love your style and the concept! --- “Clever kid you are.” He was probably saying that because the men were not allowed to sleep during the daytime hours, even on break. It was a ridiculous rule, and Raoul hadn’t even been thinking about it when he fell asleep. He just shrugged, but took the compliment well; as usual, maybe a bit too well. “Not much of a kid anymore, Marc,” He stated offhandedly. “I’m 24 winters old now.” “You’re a kid to me. I’m 37 summers old, remember. You were but a tyke when I was your age.” He laughed. Raoul frowned. “Not really. I had thirteen years on my belt.” Raoul put his hand on his sheath to accentuate his point. Marc only laughed louder at Raoul’s defensive comeback. “Kid, I’d wager you couldn’t even hold your belt at that ag-“ “Shut the hell up!” yelled an angry voice from the corner. The bundle of blankets writhed, mumbling. “Go to sleep.” Marc finished laughing, wiping happy tears from his eyes. “Sure thing, Sam.” He replied. “I’ll wake up in the morning with a head sore as nails.” His complacent tone made Raoul sick with anger. “That doesn’t even make sense.” He hissed, sitting back down on his cot slowly. Marc, who was already sitting down, laid back slowly. “Exactly my point.” He replied tiredly, rubbing his face.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

xxCoFxx — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:50:16 -0500

I like your excerpt. It draws the reader in and wonders what the characters are doing, who they are, and where they are. The diction is pretty good, as well.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

buhbyebirdie — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:51:16 -0500

@Miikaan I'm not 100% sure on what's going on in that excerpt, but I do get an idea of the characters personalities and relationship from the dialogue. It flows naturally, too. I wish it was a little longer so I had an idea of what was going on, but the conversation itself is very strong.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

buhbyebirdie — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:56:27 -0500

Interesting! I kind of feel like everything is happening super fast though, if that's your opening page. I feel like if you were to add a few extra scenes it would probably help flesh out the character before he runs into the ferrets. I like the concept a lot though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:11:42 -0500

@buhbyebirdie I liked it! I live in Florida, and you got the sense of the night weather down perfectly. You also get a good sense of Josie's personality, and her secret dreams and aspirations. It flows well, and the dialogue is natural, and Josie's thoughts really evoke her feelings about Leo. Error-wise, nothing really jumped out at me. It's good!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

xxCoFxx — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:12:20 -0500

Thanks! And yeah I definitely need to add some more characterization, but oddly enough a lot of that happens after the ferrets arrive. They kind of draw the MC out of his shell a bit -lol I love the dialogue in your excerpt by the way. It's very well written.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Miikaan — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:22:18 -0500

Aha, if I add the stuff before or after it, it'll just make people more confused. c': I just wanted some critique on the dialogue in general because I usually don't incorporate it (not my expertise, so I need to work on it a bit more). Thank you very much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Miikaan — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:22:56 -0500

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

astudyinchuck — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:34:08 -0500

Still, Lara was gravitating towards a group of boys and Aryls was better than no Aryls because I didn't do too well on my own. "I'm Forrest," I said, and I was so distracted there was no smile around my words. That day had sucked. People were obsessed with themselves and sex and I didn't get it, I wasn't one of them and I hated maths and this party and Lara's ridiculously unattainable body and Aryls' ridiculous name. "Yeah," She mumbled, and I saw her eyes drag back to the same crowd every time. She had a life outside of me, why shouldn't she? I was nothing new or special, and she was too cool for me. There were headphones dangling from her ears like faerie lights. She was sixteen and I was fifteen and I guess I could have been brazen and kissed her, but it wouldn't have done much. On the whole, I'm not the bold type. 'I like being unimpressive', I'd have told her, 'I sleep easier'. "See you, Forrest," I watched her begin to push through the wall of arms and escape. Gone as grimly as she'd once been. I jammed my fists into my pockets, trying to summon up anger at how rude she seemed, at how insensitive she was to the rest of the world, to me with my self-importance surgically attached. But I couldn't. And I was torn again between going after her or staying, but I was stapled to the spot, blinded of my senses by the threat of looking like a fool. I went back home with her on my mind, because there was nothing worthwhile to think about. Lara had swanned off, so I was left walking, up half-known roads and streets adrowse in twilight, with that name on my tongue. There had been a million prettier, sexier girls at that party, and instead of imagining them, as any other boy would've; I was overcome with this terrible fear that I bored her.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

whoiscraig — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:54:11 -0500

Thanks for the comments. :D Her name is Amanda Snow, and actually I didn't even realise that I didn't mention her name in that part. It wasn't really a secret, just something I did subconciously I suppose.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:06:19 -0500

@astudyinchuck I love the way you said no smile in your words. It was a great description and really set the mood for the rest of the excerpt. Your metaphors were really great, and really made the excerpt stand out. The last paragraph, especially the last line, really left me wanting more (which is a good thing for excerpts). I'd definitely keep reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rampantpanda — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:08:34 -0500

queenoftheoutlands, I'm intrigued! I love the names and I'm certainly curious to find out more about what's going on. In my opinion you've got some extra adverbs (which should be left alone until December 1!) and I'm not sure why Nightengale assumes nothing was taken when Bramley was talking about theft. That usually implies that something is missing. The description of the room is very nice, though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

missamanda12 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:11:27 -0500

i love your exert. It makes me feel like there just might be more to the eye. Will look forward to more:)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:11:39 -0500

oops, i got skipped. :(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:55:49 -0500

Revised my excerpt. @rampantpanda I'll probably understand more of what's going on if I read the whole thing, but your synopsis sounds cool. The only suggestion I have is that you might want to let the dialogue stand on its own, and to start a new paragraph every time someone speaks. Ha ha, I love the last line! It really packs a punch, and I'm sure Cal did too! Your excerpt is a bit too short to be able to say much more, but on the whole, I liked it. Mostly I'm wondering what's behind the conflict. @Amy Geliebter Yeah, unfortunately it happens sometimes. "there’s just something about holding a gun that makes you want to talk about all of your problems." Ha ha ha! Nice. :-D I can't really tell what's going on story-wise, other than that it's a breakfast scene, since it's so short. The only thing that jumps out at me is that it sort of sounds like a third person POV with 'he' and 'she' replaced with 'I'. You might want to 'move the camera closer,' so to speak, and write the character's experiences, rather than her just watching things happen.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 18:49:28 -0500

Thanks. :-D I know it's a bit quick. I still have to work out the mechanics of it. I'm still fumbling around trying to figure out where this is going. X-(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:35:14 -0500

The use of "Mother" is on purpose. Jasmine and her mom aren't very close. They have an odd relationship, and the title kind of fits. I'll examine what Jasmine wants again. Yes,she's not particularly passionate about either suitor. That, too, is on purpose. Thanks for your comments!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:42:07 -0500

@bobo_the_bard The lines about the Inner Editor and Mary-Sue being edited, having a personality, made me laugh. I spent a lot of time getting used to the setting, as strange as that sounds. Identifying the enemy was difficult because most of the phrases were familiar. Maybe I didn't focus enough while reading the synopsis. Regardless of my confusion, sounds like a great story. Could you provide a space between paragraphs for better reading, perhaps? Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:48:29 -0500

I have updated my exerpt. @ bobo_the_bard To be honest when I saw the word wizard in your exerpt, I moaned a little, then I decided to go back and re-read it again, and then again to make sure that I was reading the words correctly. Wow, just wow. This has something that I can't put my finger on, but it's there. I read it twice, and I don't do that very often to people's exerpts. It has a whimsy that I am not sure if you intended, but I giggled a little at some of the narration. The only thing that I would consider changing would be the dialogue tags. I personally do not like seeing "Dialogue," character cried. If we can't infer that from the dialogue or the situation, it is kinda pointless and besides it's a tag, the brain pretty much skips over it. Keep going, I really want to read more of this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:53:05 -0500

Man these boards are not set up for reviewing the post above you.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:55:13 -0500

Apparently we were reviewing the same person at the same time. It happens. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Empiric — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:56:23 -0500

@streamergurl I'm not really into fantasy, but you're writing style is pretty fun to read. “Dear one, love takes time to grow. You will grow fond of your husband. And one day you will discover that you love the man you married more than your own life.” That line's my favorite. Some of the dialog doesn't really sound like it comes from the princess ages, but I think that's one of the best parts.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sydaliance — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:00:01 -0500

@J_S_C: I like your excerpt. It's got a very raw emotional feeling to it. It's a bit off, mechanically speaking. I noticed several missing commas and such, but that's nothing an edit won't fix. Though I would like to comment on your dialogue a bit. It's slightly stiff in places. Be careful when you DON'T use contractions in dialogue. It tends to make the characters sound either too formal or their words too forced. But other than those things (and they're quite minor, in the long run), I think you have something good going there. I see a lot of emotional tension and turmoil building up just that one scene, and I feel like you can really take far.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:02:10 -0500

Thanks! Yeah, not all of the dialogue fits the setting. I'll look into that at some point.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dream Hacker — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:07:07 -0500

Something is grammatically off about your first sentence: Michael suddenly moving into a new house had seemed strange enough; there was nothing blatantly absurd or peculiar about the situation, but Rob could vividly remember feeling particularly confused when he heard the news. That being said, I really enjoyed your description and made me really able to picture it. Some of my favourite lines were: Margo’s voice was a lighthouse in a lukewarm sea of harsh laughter, (Really poetic and cool!) He wanted to spout out some response, something wry and comforting to show that he was indeed okay. But when Rob opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was a single, hoarse scream. (Great paragraph to leave off on. It really makes me want to read more.) It's a really creepy and really cool premise. I wish I had constructive criticism, but I really like your writing style and it's a very good excerpt,

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Empiric — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:09:39 -0500

Oh cool, thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J-Opal — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:14:28 -0500

@Empiric Forgive me if I'm a bad critique I'm not usually good at these critiques. Well I can say what I like about your excerpt. The horror genre scares me and I don't usually read it. So I tend to avoid it but due to my curiosity I'm often drawn to this kind of thing. Anyway about the excerpt I felt quite tense when I read it and when reading it I can see this very scene in my head imagining what is happening. Was your mmc basically hearing things? I can't seem to tell what he is might be screaming about

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fluidstatic — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:17:13 -0500

@Dream Hacker: Horror isn't really my style, but I like what you've got going so far. Your narrator's tone seemed slightly sarcastic, which I thought was kind of refreshing. But as the scene got grimmer, I began to wonder whether it was intentional or not. Play with the pacing of your sentences a little on the second draft, and see if you can either transition the hyperactive tone into something a little more ominous as the scene goes along. ♥

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

crownoflaurel — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:20:09 -0500

@Sydaliance: Your excerpt was lovely. It had a wonderful mix of silly and intensity that I adore, though I'm not sure if it's what you were going for, and the characters came out very clearly. I do think that it's a little thick; an average reader may not want to go through it all. That's really all I can say because this has made me want to read the rest of your story, and that's what excerpts are for, right?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dream Hacker — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:20:14 -0500

Insightful! Yeah, the sarcasm was supposed to be intentional because that's his sort of personality, but the idea of making it more ominious later is good. Thanks for your help! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Empiric — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:20:56 -0500

He's pretty much hearing things. The sight of the full bathtub triggered a flashback to when his mom tried to drown him when he was seven or so. OR DID SHE?! (Duh-duh-duh!)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

crownoflaurel — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:32:36 -0500

J-Opal: You've certainly got a sense of drama with this excerpt. I liked how easily you gave a quick explanation of the world that the characters find themselves in. I loved the doctor's mention that he will take the blame for his apprentice; it made me smile. I would suggest cutting it off at a dramatic point rather than keeping it until the doctor succeeds. I also noticed that you didn't have spaces between your paragraphs and dialogue and I would suggest putting those in. fluidstatic: That was fascinating. The normal way of life and birds and cooking mized with this 'imaginary' person was a wonderful contrast. I can see how the scene flows together, so I wouldn't suggest making it shorter, but I would wonder if you could make it clearer than Andrew is 'imaginary'? It took me a little while to get it since I was so wrapped up in the mildly amusing narrative.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sydaliance — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:35:50 -0500

That's exactly what I was going for. Xi speaks like that throughout the entire novel (for several important reasons). And it IS thick, but it's supposed to be. It's non-YA dystopian sci-fi, so it'll probably even get a little thicker than that in some places. But, anyway, thanks for reading. Glad you like it. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Willcan — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:43:24 -0500

The Chevalier Charles-Henri Sanson de Longval Royal Executioner of the Court of King Louis XVI and High Executioner of the First French Republic, was an impressive figure of a man. Broad shouldered, thick muscular arms, no doubt, De Poissons assumed, from using an axe, or sword, so many times before he, and Dr. Guillotin, managed to convince the Convention to adopt the guillotine. He stood when De Poissons entered the Ante Room and approached him. He carried a rolled piece of paper that he thrust at De Poissons. De Poissons unrolled it to see that it was a news broad sheet of the type Publishers used to print the news on and plaster on walls around the city. The main item, usually found in the center of the sheet, was an account of the execution of the late King, from his reoval from the Tulieres to the displaying of his head on the scaffold. De Poissons glanced questioningly at Sanson. “Citizen Capet, the late king, did not need to be forced to the Guillotine with a gun to his head.” Sanson glared at De Poissons. I demand that a retraction be printed.” “I heard that he was dragged,” De Poissons said, recalling stories that he had heard of the execution. “Dragged yes,” Sanson stated. “My Valets, assistants if you will, were caught up in the passions of the crowd. They laid hands on the person of the King and dragged him to the blade. For which they have been harshly treated.” “You treat all of your condemned that way?” “All that will allow it.” Sanson glared at De Poissons. “I bear no malice to any of them.” “Including Charlotte Corday,” De Poissons asked, remembering the slap. “Charlotte Corday was executed for the murder of Marat, a man well loved by the people. It is not hard to understand the passion of the people against her.” Sanson spoke in calm even tones. “But I would not have treated her that way. It was done by Legos, a carpenter, whose only reason for being at hand, on the scaffold, was to effect any repairs needed to the guillotine. His employment has been terminated. He has been scolded by the Committee for his lack of judgement. He will have three months in preson to consider his actions, and if he returns I will not employ him.” “The King went willingly to his death,” De Poissons decided to bring the conversation back to the matter at hand. “As willing as any man goes under the blade. More willing then some. He was the only man that I ever sought out a Priest, untouched by our laws, to give Holy Rites to a man that shall never be buried on Hallowed grounds.” “That is a dangerous confession to make,” De Poissons said. Sanson chuckled. “Who else will they get to perform my grim task?” De Poissons smiled, and took note of the Publishers name and that address that he could be found at. “You may rest assured that I will send a message to the Publisher, demanding that he preint a retraction and the truth.” Sanson smiled. “That is the most that I ask.”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kcde — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:44:17 -0500

@crownoflaurel That was CREEPY, and I loved it. It makes me kind of uneasy reading it, to be completely honest, so kudos on that. There's something really poetic about the way you write, too. I can't really put my finger on it, other than to think, "Wow, that is waaaay better than my excerpt." Descriptions are beautiful, though. Obviously, you do a great job of setting the tone. If I picked up this book and opened it to this random page, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to put it down. AWESOME!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:45:29 -0500

@crownoflaurel Success! I'm hooked and want to read more. Your synopsis also snagged me. I'm not normally into YA, but I'd probably read this if I picked it up off the shelf. I didn't notice any glaring grammatical or spelling errors. I may have phrased some things a little differently, but it's just nitpicking and different writing style. The rest of your novel is going to be great!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fluidstatic — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:48:18 -0500

Yep. That ended up being a longer scene than I'd originally thought it would be, but that's the way it goes. Heh. Miranda shares the narration with Andrew, actually, so I've already written plenty of other scenes where the odd fact of his invisible-ness reads clearer. I'll look at making the division a little clearer here as well, though. Good to hear you found it amusing. Thanks for giving it a read. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Brandee76 — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:00:35 -0500

Creepy, and WOULD LOVE To read it I am just going to put my syp here, thanks for feedback ! Sam an ,overly perceptive pregnant wife to Jackson, is always in turmoil. The spirits that surround her are trying to tell her of her fate, yet she does not listen. Constantly, being given warnings that something is not right, she lives in a permanent state of dread.She lost her parents at a young age in a horrific accident, and something snapped in her, deep inside of her, and nothing has been right since. Sam and Jack come up against a plaque of epic proportions sweeping across the South. While, trying to get to Jack's family, the truth of Sam's abilities begin to show. Sam starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together, while she battles for her life, and the life of her unborn child. Filled with twists and turns, and multi layered characters. Set from North Carolina to New Orleans, the horror that is this pestilence creeps following Sam, everywhere she goes. The plaque becomes a backdrop to the Sam discovering the true meaning of these demons that stay on the edge of her dreams.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

crownoflaurel — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:07:16 -0500

Thank you. I can assure you that I'm blushing now and that your excerpt is certainly as good as mine, if not better. Will is cutely uncertain and Jack and Olivia are already very clearly defined. I would suggest cutting off after 'I'm not having any part of your stupid little plan' because that gives it a more dramatic feeling, but if that isn't what you want then it's perfect as it is. I'm glad to hear that the descriptions are good, since I have had problems with that before. I wasn't really going for the creepy tone while writing it, but I like that it has turned out that way, since Shadowed is meant to be somewhat dark.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

vandonovan — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:10:18 -0500

Sounds like a pretty good set up. The names "Sam" and "Jack" make me sort of chuckle because those are the names of the guys from Stargate SG-1, but they're pretty common names, so it's not like they've never been used before. There are some grammatical issues in your synop, but no one is really worrying about that sort of thing during NaNo, right? I love the idea of traveling the US with your story, as the NC to NO route is a great one with lots of creepy history to explore! Best of luck; sounds like it's gonna be quite a thriller! -- Mine is a big of a YA science fiction thing that starts out pretty normal at first. It's my first time writing a "jock" and I'm having a lot of fun with it, especially since my POV character is sort of a nerd: When the coach called the team back to play, Carlson got a last drink of water before jogging out to rejoin his team. It was then that his stocky friend said a word to the girl he was sitting with, got to his feet, and started to make his way up the bleachers to where Avery sat. “Hey,” he said, sitting one seat away from Avery. He stretched out, arms on the back railing, legs spread and extended. Avery, on the other hand, folded into himself, hyper sensitive to everything. Was Soo Min this guy's girlfriend? Was he trespassing on school property by being here? Did the football team think he was a spy for another high school? “Hi.” For a time, the guy didn't say anything. He just loudly smacked his gum and reacted to the plays as the football team got back underway. Avery tried to ignore him and focus on watching Soo Min do her cheers, but he couldn't easily ignore the broad teenager beside him. After ten minutes, the other boy said, “Which one you watching?” It felt like a trick question, but Avery didn't know how to answer. “Soo Min,” he finally, quietly said. If nothing else, he was at least going to be honest. When the other boy showed no sign of recognition, he felt no relief. “Her.” He pointed, then immediately put his finger down. “The girl on the end.” “You mean Val?” “No. The . . . the Asian girl.” “Oh.” He smacked his gum. “Dunno her.” Shrugging, he said, “Carlson's pretty good, though, huh?” “Uh. Yeah, I guess.” Avery twisted nervously in his seat. This all felt like an elaborate set-up. “I admit, I don't know much about football.” “No kidding? I would have taken you for a runner.” He glanced at Avery, then broke into a broad smile. “Nah, I'm just shitting you. Name's Jonah, by the way.” Suddenly he was shoving a beefy hand at Avery. Unable to think, Avery shook Jonah's hand. “Nice to meet you. I'm Avery.” “ 'Nice to meet you,' he says. Shit.” Jonah laughed, nodded, and redirected his gaze back to the field. “You play any sports, man?” “No.” “Coulda guessed that. So, what, you in the chess club then?” Avery furrowed his brow. “No.” “No?” He gave Avery another, somewhat longer look. “Band?” “No.” Jonah pulled a 'Are you for real?' face, staring at Avery even more intently. “What, then? Computer club? Calculus club? They have a Calculus club?” “I'm not in any clubs. I . . . I'm on campus for the planetarium meet up.” “Planetarium?” Shaking his head, Avery knew better than to try to explain astronomy to this Luddite. “We study the stars. I just . . . saw the team out on the field and decided to skip the group meeting today to watch the practice.” “Yeah, 'watch the practice,' sure.” Jonah chuckled, his eyes drifting down to appreciate the cheerleaders. “So, what you're really saying is, you don't actually know China at all?” For a moment, all Avery could do was stare. He opened his mouth, but it took a few seconds for sound to issue forth. “ 'China'?” Unperturbed, Jonah shrugged. “Like I know her name.” “How would you like being called 'France'?” Jonah took on a 'You're crazy' expression. “I'm not French, fool.” “And she's not Chinese.” For a moment, Jonah just stared at him, sending uncertainty rippling through Avery, but at length he began to nod. “Yeah. All right.” He nodded some more. “I see what you did there. Pretty clever. You a freshman?” Avery didn't know quite how to answer that. He was the average age for a freshman, but he'd taken all of the state tests and had almost enough credits to be a senior. It was a more complicated situation than he wanted to explain to this guy, though. “I'm . . . let's just say I'm a sophomore.” “You don't know?” “It's a complicated explanation that I assume you don't really want to hear.” Jonah nodded again, frowning somewhat thoughtfully as he did. “All right, makes sense. But my point still stands, don't it? You don't really know . . . her at all, do you?” “We've met.” Avery felt foolish. “Over the summer.” “ 'Over the summer'!” Jonah mocked in a sing-song voice. “ 'Summer loving, having some fun' ?” That Jonah knew the words to a song from [i]Grease[/i] rather impressed him. He smiled ruefully. “Not exactly.” Jonah lifted his chin. “Gotta admit; she looks a little old for you, bro.” To his surprise, Avery laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. Out of my league, they'd say.” “That they would. You gonna let that stop you?” “Well, I'm here, aren't I?”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

crownoflaurel — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:14:19 -0500

Thanks. Yours reads like a dream, and I mean that literally. I'm still not sure if it is a dream sequence or not. I'm glad to hear you would read Shadowed even though it isn't your style since I'm trying to make it appealing to a large audience. It's also good to see you don't have problems with the synopsis because I was a little worried that I made Mara's character too strong. And as for phrasing things differently...I'll probably change some of the wording if I edit it, but for now I've left it as it is. I tend to go through a few drafts before my writing gets polished.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:17:16 -0500

Yes, dream sequence. ;) That's my MMC with the wrecked-up eye there. I can't kill him off in the first chapter, can I? Well, I guess I could, but it would make the rest of the novel just weird. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:28:06 -0500

I really enjoyed this. Dialogue is always difficult for me to write, so I really enjoy reading dialogue that seems to flow so naturally. I don't really have any serious critiques to offer. There is one minor grammatical thing that I noticed when you wrote "he finally, quietly said." It's not really wrong, but the wording is kind of awkward. Other than that I don't have anything to say, except that I found it interesting. Jonah almost reminds me of McMurphy from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I'm really partial to that character, so it is definitely a plus. At this point I would say I really like your MC. The quiet, bookish type always has a place in my heart, and I really love that you illustrated his intellect and shy personality, but also his sense of decency in standing up for Soo Min and in telling the truth. Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

vandonovan — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:49:24 -0500

Wow, thanks Kittehs! I'm really glad you liked it and felt the dialogue flowed naturally. I've never written a jock-type like Jonah before, like I said, and it's not a type I generally hang around, so I'm definitely nervous about making him sound natural and not too stereotypical. I've read a lot of YA novels or seen TV shows where the characters sound like caricatures and I'd love to avoid that. It's hard though! I have a lot more sympathy for them, now! I haven' t seen "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" in ages! That was Nicholson's character, right? Clearly need to do so again! Thank you again for the lovely critique. It's always a mixed bag going into these types of forum threads, with people just skimming sometimes vs actually reading and critiquing, so I really appreciate it, especially so early on when I feel like I need encouragement the most. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

VannVicente — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:52:18 -0500

@Kittehs, I love it. It's very descriptive, the sentences flow together very well and the imagery that you use is very good. I want to read it further. I especially love the first paragraph. I would definitely buy it if it ever got published. :) It's intriguing. Mine's on mah profile.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loria Amnekia — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:00:20 -0500

@VannVicente Abbi sounds like a great character, I love her! Your excerpt is interesting and full of your character's personality. I could totally see myself sitting down and reading your story. It was easy to read and seemed to flow quite well in my opinion. :) I would love to know her reaction to realizing she moved the empty building. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:06:20 -0500

I'm glad I could help. You should definitely watch it again! Nicholson does an amazing job and McMurphy is a great jock-ish character. Happy writing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittehs — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:06:29 -0500

Thank you so much! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 08:44:13 -0500

@Loria Amnekia Intriguing concept. I had to reread a few paragraphs to understand the scene. You start off saying the wife doesn't know who the affair was with. And then when he appears, she drops a plate because she's so angry and she knows. The punch in the face was great, though. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loria Amnekia — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 09:07:51 -0500

When she dropped the plate it was because no one was supposed to be coming over EXCEPT for her husband's lover, so when she heard her daughter calling happily to 'Uncle Jack,' she realized who her husband's lover was. I didn't realize it had come out confusing. :( I'll have to have my husband read through for stuff like that. Thanks for letting me know. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 09:13:18 -0500

Without that info about who the dinner guest is, it's a tad confusing. Note to all new posters: Post your excerpt in your profile! We will find it. Critique the person who last critiqued someone else and trust that the favor will be returned. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 09:19:03 -0500

@steamergurl I like the way you write. It flows and it's not bogged down by weird wording or overly long descriptions. I didn't really understand this sentence: " I and your brothers have explained that your unique position, granted by your father." Later, I understand what the position is, but this sentence isn't complete. Maybe you meant to add something on and it got forgotten? Other than that, it's great!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Basil221B — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 09:24:22 -0500

@Willcan I feel like you say your characters' names too much. That might just be my personal preference, as I'm not a fan of repetition unless it's to make a direct point, but still, saying "De Poissons" in almost every sentence bogs down the writing and makes it feel slower. The dialogue feels quite natural. I liked that. The second paragraph that you posted seems kind of... not forced, but perhaps not as well-worked as the others. The part about the main story in the paper being in the center of the page is what did it for me, I think. It seems rather intriguing though; I can see myself reading something like that.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 10:01:36 -0500

*looks at sentence* Where did that extra "that" come from? Thanks for the catch!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 10:05:54 -0500

@Basil221B The "very close very fast" phrase in your synopsis throws me out of the writing. Maybe just say they got close? Try to avoid using the same word in the same sentence (and surrounding sentences). Alas, your synopsis tells me more about your story than your actual excerpt. I would suggest a piece that includes dialogue, maybe when the two first meet. Nothing about the poem jumps out at me. Can't say I'm a fan of profanity. It's your story, of course, just giving you my opinion on it. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 11:33:52 -0500

thank you so much. this was actually reallllllyyy helpful. I was starting to think the same thing, actually. actively trying to write a more in depth first person from now on, thanks! (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 12:04:17 -0500

@Basil221B I'm going to agree with streamergurl regarding a piece that includes dialogue or something. I'm sure that poem makes sense in context, but out of it, it doesn't really tell us anything.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 12:09:24 -0500

@streamergurl I'm having a tough time understanding the world you've created from this excerpt alone. I don't really know what time period and place it's supposed to be, as well as the role of women in this society. I'm sure it's more explained in the novel itself though. Also, some of the dialogue felt a bit on the nose, as if they were sort of speaking in exposition. Still, I think that with those kinks ironed out, you shouldn't have much to worry about.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 12:18:07 -0500

Umm...still working on those issues of timing. It's supposed to be medieval, but the dialogue isn't sticking to that period very well. Probably an issue to fix in December. I've given the women in this story a bit more power than normal for the period, but that's explained in the book. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:44:03 -0500

So apparently I killed the board. Time to revive it! @Tooterfish I was surprised to find the bounty hunter in your tale is a woman. Please include that bit in your synopsis. Why was she shooting at the robot for target practice? I loved the banter between them. When the Robot starts reporting about the distress signal, does he do anything else to indicate it's something unusual? All you have written is that he stands up straight -- which I think is pretty normal. Perhaps include something to transition between the "don't shoot me" bit and "we have a distress signal." Love the ending line. Keep it up! @mattdemotts Including the title of your book in your synopsis isn't always needed. I think you could have gotten away with it, but the first word of your title is "And." That's a strange way to start any sentence, especially the start of your synopsis. My suggestion: "Follow the dysfunctional Bloom family from Minneapolis." You can describe the family from there. Wrap up your synopsis with hinting at what the family is searching for. Are they looking for happiness? Striving to stay together? Following their dreams? You don't need to mention the other characters. Of course your book will have other characters. But your focus is the Bloom family. Give us names of the family as you describe them and their problems. I have no idea what "neuroses" means. If I knew either of those books you mentioned, your explanation of how this book will be written might have made more sense. Don't tell us the book will jump back and forth in time. That will turn off some readers before they turn the first page. I believe you can skip the last paragraph of your synopsis completely. Okay, on to the excerpt! Consider placing a space between paragraphs for easier reading. Who's Jack? The father? The son? Love the alternate names for the other couple! Okay. He's an actor. Jack is the son. I'm with you now. The line about the girl's number being her own made me laugh. Haha. "Not a real one." I get that about writing, so I can relate to the feeling. Once I read the scene, I got into it. Nice story. *bumps board to the first page* LIVE! *poofs back to writing*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittypetro — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 20:06:02 -0500

@streamergurl I found the exerpt to be pretty nice all in all, I got the gist of the drama of your story, a woman forced to make a choise between two men, politics, yada yada I usually dont care for the mushy romantic stuff, but I think you have a good story going here, I applaud you and wish you luck on your NaNoWrMo story

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:46:40 -0500

Haha I didn't even realize that I didn't specify her gender in the synopsis! She invents nonlethal weapons that each have a specific special ability. Her favorite weapon is Zero Kelvin (ZK for short) which, as its name might imply, freezes whatever object it shoots (not with cold or anything, it just causes the target to stop moving). The gun in this excerpt is a zero-gravity gun; essentially, it's supposed to make its target float. She can't quite get it right. She'd shoot at a box or something but her robot is more convenient, and also is capable of giving her feedback. The standing up straight wasn't supposed to imply that the distress signal was out of the ordinary. It was just him getting up off the floor and standing straight, as he usually does. Distress signals are pretty normal, actually. Stuff happens. Ships run out of gas (or whatever they run on, still haven't thought about that), get caught on an asteroid, experience engine failure, what have you. This particular system is thick with military craft, so one must be quick to a salvage if one hopes to keep any booty. After rereading that paragraph, it does seem like he's straightening in response to the signal. I'm going to cheat and edit a little bit. Don't tell on me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:56:45 -0500

@KIttypetro You've got a bit of weird wording and lack of punctuation going on. There were a few sentences that were just awkwardly long and ought to be cut down. My favorite way of testing my writing is to read it out loud. You catch a lot of weird stuff that way! The long description of the city and forest is a little meh. I think it could be improved by, instead of narrating it, have some characters have a conversation about it. Or maybe have Liz or Rawen look past the wall "at the merciless, dark forest of Pyte" etc. If they ever go into that forest, that would probably be the time to describe it in more detail.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:27:36 -0500

@Tooterfish I enjoyed both your synopsis and your excerpt. There were no grammar/punctuation errors that I could see, and you have good pacing and description. Normally, if there's no dialogue or action, I'm easily bored, but your excerpt started well (I particularly liked the description of the observatory burning in space) and continued by building Davis' character, expanding the readers' universe, and putting forth a lot of important questions that I now want answered. I'm guessing the next scene would jump to the ship with the rescued amnesiac sword-master, hm? :3 I would definitely love to read more. PS - For some reason, I especially liked the line about how Davis is "dogged, after all." It made me smile.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:44:01 -0500

Woo! Thanks! Glad you liked it. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LastSon — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:46:43 -0500

@ Vaeru I like your excerpt and find it interesting how submissive Jaime is now. Based on your synopsis I gather that he will change considerably by the end of his story. It's pretty clear that you like dialogue and action. Whenever someone shuts up, something happens. I can definitely see this work flowing smoothly and not dragging. I can't think of any bad points from this first reading but I'm a real hack so maybe that's a good thing?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:48:46 -0500

Oh and might I say... love your excerpt! I don't want to say too much and hijack the critique, but it's awesome. Love me some well-written fantasy. Your descriptions are amazing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:49:50 -0500

Thank you very much. I'll take it as a good thing. ;3 (Also, I love your avatar. They need to make that cartoon.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:53:55 -0500

LastSon: I enjoyed your excerpt. Seeing the fire, and spell(? I'm not much of a magic guy. Too much Potter bs I guess. :)) through an outsiders eyes seems key to me. The interchanges between the characters ring true as teenagers. Grammatically everything seemed in order, but I too am a hack.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MellyBOOM — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:54:34 -0500

"The fog grew denser as we slowly made our way deeper into the Forest of the Dead making the trees around us look like skeletal hands waiting to grab us as soon as we passed them. I pulled my cloak tighter around me and pressed closer to Mauru so that our arms touched as we moved soundlessly through the forest, our footsteps muffled by the powdery snow. He reached out a hand and squeezed my arm in reassurance, and I blushed. I knew that it was my fault that we were going through the forest, and not around, and yet I was the one obviously more afraid. We walked this way, arms touching, as a constant reminder that we were not alone, for what seemed like hours and I knew that we must be approaching the heart of the forest when Mauru stopped abruptly. I was a few paces in front of him when I realized that he was no longer at my side. I was just about to turn around and ask him what happened, when an arm snaked around my body, pinning my arms to my waist and a hand clamped tight across my mouth and pressed me against the body of my captor. I started to struggle when Mauru’s voice, barely audible over the howl of the wind, hissed into my ear, “Be still!” I instantly relaxed, knowing that it was he who held me, and not a wraith materialized from the mist. I looked around with the only part of my body I could move freely and spotted what Mauru had seen before me. About 30 feet in front of us along the river we had been following, dark figures crossed an ancient stone bridge over the river each holding a ball of flame before them to guide them through the darkness on their way to the afterlife. I felt the blood chill in my veins and was extremely grateful that he was holding me because had he not been, I would have fallen into the snow. As it was, he pressed me closer to him and I felt a small fraction of my fear ebb away; I was not alone."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:55:36 -0500

I think you really nailed the class distinction of a feudal society. I also like the structure in that it reads like a script. Feels very economical, yet perfectly descriptive. (I was reading yours when LastSon posted)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LastSon — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:56:08 -0500

Thank you! I often worry that I'm rambling on too much. I'm a tad stuck at this point since I have no idea what those girls are trying to accomplish. Maybe they don't either... Hilarity ensues?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:59:35 -0500

This is becoming the princess bride, "Why are you smiling?" "Because I too ramble a lot!"

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Zenrax — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:03:23 -0500

Melly: The first thing I noticed was that many of your sentences run on quite a bit. Try taking a look at them, finding clauses that really don’t belong together, and separating them out. You need pauses in the flow of words. Otherwise, the story seems compelling, and your writing conveys the ongoing well. The description and movement mesh well together, neither spending too long describing a scene or flitting from moment to moment. All in all, good work, and I find myself intrigued by the supernatural undercurrents.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:07:06 -0500

@Zenrax: Seems awesome so far. I like how you really get a sense of the grittiness and hardship that the character is going through. It's nice to see a novel like this written in a style like yours. Usually it's a lot more bare-bones, but the extra literariness works out really well in your case. Keep on keepin' on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

larka1113 — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:07:51 -0500

@MellyBOOM Okay, first the bad stuff: It seems to me you use "that" unnecessarily a lot, when it could be cut out so your writing reads smoother. Also, this sentence: "About 30 feet in front of us along the river we had been following, dark figures crossed an ancient stone bridge over the river.." reads a little choppy, because of your use of the word river twice. Maybe change it to "About thirty feet in front of us along the river we had been following, dark figures crossed an ancient stone bridge spanning the water..." or something else of that nature. Other than those things, I think it was quite good :D and I'm definitely curious to know what your novel is about.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MadGypsy — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:35:37 -0500

@larka1113 Your excerpt flowed very well. I was hung up on one sentence that seems like there's a word missing after old: Why aren't we stopping?” her small four-year-old comes at me from the backseat Other than that I thought it was well thought out and very smooth stream of consciousness :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:43:21 -0500

Mad Gypsy: You illustrate quite clearly and vividly what the Festival means to these people. But you're a bit inconsistent with the tense; you can write in present or past, but not both.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

JettaBaby — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:48:18 -0500

@MadGypsy There's a lot of detail, very good vocabulary. You seem to switch tenses a bit, although it seems intentional. It's a bit confusing at first, but after going over it again it flows nicely. Your word choice is really great, adds depth in ways that plain descriptions cannot. It's rather vauge and mysterious, but I believe this is also intentional.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

larka1113 — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:53:16 -0500

Oh! Yes, voice should be after old. /adds that Thanks (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:00:21 -0500

@JettaBaby Having a synopsis might help to discern the story behind the excerpt, but after reading the whole thing, I kinda figured it out. :) The overall excerpt was well-written. I'm not a fan of this sentence: "We wouldn’t have been able to do anything, but the owner had been contacted before and hadn’t done anything." I know what you're saying, but it just sounds weird. If you said "Normally, we wouldn't have been able to do anything, but the owner, etc..." it would make his meaning a little clearer. Other than that, good! Curious what she did to get sentenced to life on a ranch in Montana.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mistress Alice — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:07:28 -0500

“You know, Nikolas, I really do enjoy spending time with you.” “I’m glad, I like spending time with you too.” “That makes me happy. But, you see, I don’t think this is working out.” “What do you mean, Cossette?” “I feel as if this relationship is at a standstill.” “How can it be at a standstill?” “Nikolas, I really do love you.” “And I love you too! I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!” “It’s just that, the love I feel for you isn’t the love you feel for me. I love you as if you were a younger brother, someone I want to protect. You love me as a lover, but, you see, siblings cannot be lovers. And if I view you as a sibling, it would never work. I’m very sorry, but it’s true. I do hope we can still be friends.” Two people sat in an iron gazebo with vines covered in flowers wrapped around its edges. The scent of the flowers surrounded them, and the only thing separating them was the table between them. Its glass was painted to show a perfect black rose. Their seats were made of the same glass and iron, twisted around in an elegant and complex fashion with the back made of the black rose glass. The girl sat like a perfect vision, looking at the boy with sad eyes. Her light blonde hair sat just below her shoulder blades in light curls and swayed slightly in the wind, with a black headdress covered in elaborate lace placed on top of it, her bangs edging just so over her strangely purple eyes that were framed with long and thick dark lashes. Her skin was smooth and pale, much like a porcelain doll. Her full lips, painted blood red, were only so slightly curved down in a disconnected way. She wore a knee length black and white Lolita dress, pure white stockings, and shiny black Mary Janes. Her hands were carefully placed in her lap with black painted nails. The boy was a shocking contrast. His short dark hair was in a mess, his green eyes wide with surprise. He wore a blue button up shirt and dark jeans with sneakers. His own skin was slightly tanned, unevenly at that, and had leaned out of his seat with his hands on the table. “You think of me like a younger brother?!” “Yes, Nikolas. I’m sorry, but I do.” “Can’t I do anything to change your mind?” “No, it cannot be changed. I don’t know why I thought this would ever be able to work out. We couldn’t be more different, you and I. If we lived in another time, I would be an aristocrat and you a peasant. It seems that even in today’s times such a couple is unable to work out. As I said, I do hope we can still be friends.” He shook his head and turned away. “No, I don’t think that would be able to work, Cossette.” “Oh, I’m sorry. I was hoping it would. But, I do imagine that being friends with the one you love would be rather difficult.” “Yea, I guess so.” “But I will still hope that maybe one day your feelings could fade enough that we can be friends. I would like that.” “Sorry, Cossette, I don’t think my feelings will fade soon enough for that.” “Oh, I see. I think you should go now, Nikolas.” He nodded and started to leave, but she got up suddenly and grabbed his wrist. “What is it, Cossette?” He asked, turning around in surprise. She looked up at his eyes and took a step close to him, kissing his cheek lightly. Her lashes brushed against his skin and she pulled away. “Goodbye, Nikolas. I hope you can find someone who makes you happy, someone you can love and who will love you the same way. I hope you find someone who deserves your love.” “But, you deserve my love!” She shook her head this time, slowly. “No, I don’t. The only person, who deserves your love, is the one who loves you too. I’m not that person, so please forget about your feelings towards me and find them.” She let go and took a step back, her eyes willing him to walk away. After a pause he did, and as soon as she could no longer see him she sat back down in her seat. *I would've put less, but I felt like putting the first page of my book and ended up doing a little extra, so it would run better and not end with me telling you what a guy who may never again be in this book looks like XD*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Skyrius — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:10:06 -0500

@ Tooterfish: You know, for some reason I keep getting a sort of Star Wars vibe, even though my brain is smacking me saying that it's completely different. The are a few spelling mistakes, but that's what December is for, so don't pay it any mind for now. The way that many of the paragraphs and sentences are short and too the point seems to fit for this character's narration, but if you switch POV, you may want to consider tweaking the style a bit. Most importantly though, it's a solidly written excerpt and intriguing enough to keep the reader's attention. So I say, keep on trucking :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady_Eemia — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:15:05 -0500

@Skyrius Wow.... I really don't have much else to say to that. Your excerpt was almost mind blowingly awesome. I'm assuming it's the very beginning, and if I had picked that up and read it I wouldn't have been able to bother buying the book and going home before diving in to read the rest of it. Really, bravo. I have no suggestions, and I didn't notice any errors that I could mention.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Skyrius — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:15:34 -0500

WOAH, ninja post! XD; I've got this! So, first thing first, maybe it's because you posted it as a forum post, but those paragraphs that are all dialogue need to be split up. It's too easy to lose track of who's talking when it's all scrunched up like that. Secondly, if this is an introduction section, it makes sense, but otherwise you should balance the details. When you need to describe how somebody or something looks, either it should be a situation where those details are important to moving the plot, or try to break them up with the character actions or narration about the surroundings. It's a bit hard to focus when the reader is just blasted with line after line of what the tables look like or what the characters are wearing. Not that this can't be pulled off though, it's just a matter of writing style and opinion, I think. That aside, the characters themselves seem to fit pretty well into predefined molds. There's the boy in love with a girl, who seems to be of high standing, but is being rejected. It's common enough, so make sure to make your characters stand out from the crowd. All that aside though, it's not a bad start at all.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mistress Alice — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:28:03 -0500

I actually have a horrible habit of randomly putting in descriptions. It's either because I tend to put paragraphs of only dialogue into my things often *my attempt of character devolpment* or because when I do put in little bits where it's needed, I forget and end up with faceless people who live in a void of nothingness. I have a fear of that. But I'll try going back over the story and editing that to make it flow better. As for the characters fitting into the predefined molds, I really didn't think about it that much. Cossette fitting a mold is actually slightly intentional, because I like making people think they know a character and throw a curve ball at them.....*starts thinking of dialoge I probably wont use until near the end of the book, because I'm that amazing* And as for Nikolas, I actually enjoyed making him a stereotype and almost want to keep him in the story a little for my own amusment. *I'm so evil to my non-main characters*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:36:47 -0500

Spelling wha? Is my word processor's spellcheck busted? Thanks for the critique! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Finn de Siecle — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:40:52 -0500

@Lady_Eemia: I actually think it would be kind of awesome if elves used numbers instead of names; it would make a major change of pace from names like E'li'oka'hana'put'ca'blam, or whatever. Do they have plush dolls in your fantasy world? ;) There's some exposition in there that is sort of extraneous; some things I think you could probably get away with not stating outright, but allowing the reader to infer them. In general, it's pretty good!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:45:12 -0500

@ Lady_Eemia It's vs its. ;) "The beast plummeted heavily to earth, its last anguished howl dying into a sickening gurgle." The word "plummeted" infers - to me, at least - that it fell from a great height. If it as simply standing and then fell, I'd use a word more like "collapsed" or "crumpled." Of course, I can't really tell from the paragraph where the werewolf fell from. Maybe it was stabbed whilst in a tree? Not sure. :) "keeping his hands lightly twined in the silver main of his mare." Main should be mane, if you're referring to the hair that grows on a horse's neck. "He had been a young elf then, younger even than his daughter – who had hardly lived past her fiftieth year." I'd say "younger even than his daughter was now," because as it is now, it seems like you're saying his daughter is older than he is. That's all from me. Just nitpicky little things. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:51:31 -0500

"always had something generous to say about my acting, no how bad I’d been." No should probably be not. Typo! I love the way this is written. It's so real, I'd expect it to be part of an autobiography. Your synopsis is way intriguing, too! I'd read this if I picked it up off a shelf.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Finn de Siecle — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:54:17 -0500

Actually, there should be a "matter" inserted between "no" and "how". Thanks for drawing my attention to it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 01:11:04 -0500

@tooterfish Okay so I loved the ending, it made me laugh out loud. Which is good seeing as I am currently writing the third horror chapter in a row for my novel and I was feeling rather frightened in the dark. Overall I would say that I did LIKE the excerpt, but possibly didn't LOVE it. I am going to be extremely nitpicky when it comes to style and stuff because you are definitely good enough to be subjected to nitpicking. So the first thing that I am going to say is that you don't always need to say "he said" or "she said" especially in rapidfire speech. It may simply be a word padding thing for you, but I am really not a fan of word padding. Example: “Cen?” Pax asked, following her into the galley. “What’s that glowing thing out there?” “That’s a postern,” Cen said, digging in the cupboards for a snack. “They’re doorways between systems.” She pulled a box of freeze-dried fruit out of a cupboard and smiled to herself. “They call them posterns because back when they first appeared, no one would use them. People preferred to go into cryostasis and fly long between systems because they thought the posterns were too dangerous.” She snorted with laughter. “The old timers were dumb ones, to be sure.” “So they just appeared? Out of nowhere?” All I did there was remove the "Pax asked" but trust me when you are reading aloud it does sound quite a bit better if you keep that sort of thing to a minimum. Secondly I am simply going to comment that I like your very "matter of fact" style, but it doesn't lend itself well to the explosion. Perhaps you could get away with that sort of "dull" (Sorry it is an overly harsh word but it works) narration over a big event in a First Person narration, but the narrator needs to make a gigantic explosion sound like.. Well, a gigantic explosion. Anyways that is all from me :P Trust me, it's not very much for a post where I am involved. I also love your icon.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 01:13:10 -0500

@ Tooterfish The first thing that jumped out at me was the use of all caps for both the robot and parts of dialogue that needed emphasis. I found that confusing - it reads as though the robot's caps are stylistic, where the other parts aren't. Maybe use italics for emphasis? Some of the wording is a little clumsy (I'd change "Silence from the android." to "The android was silent." - silence doesn't really 'come', it's an absence of something; and "Robit did not respond to Cen. He only stared at her." might work better either as one sentence or as two shorter ones: "Robit did not respond. He only stared."). Other than that, I liked it! It has some really nice humour about it and the speed of the scene works very nicely. You've given it a great sense of urgency.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 01:20:39 -0500

I support everything that was said in this post as well XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 05:28:39 -0600

@annaspargoryan I liked it. I wasn't quite sure with the flow of conversation at the beginning, but once you overlapped the memories with the present action I was roped in. I like your use of italics to distinguish those. The portraits watching was a brutal, but necessary, line. The sarcastic toss away about cancer seemed more to shock than anything, and I didn't think his reaction quite worked. I mean, overall I see his thought process and it flows. But I thought the direct move to pull her onto the couch, immediately after a cancer joke, was jarring. I didn't see any real grammatical errors, but I am not usually a good judge on that.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 07:26:59 -0600

@Wilson3sd Okay, pre-note. I like the word "McMansion" :D Actual note: This excerpt was amazing. If it were the excerpt for a published book, I'd already be on Amazon checking to see how long it'd take to show up on my doorstep. I felt bad for Emma there at the end, both because she reminds me of my younger sister and because I want to stop her, tell her it's not worth it, but cannot.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 07:28:32 -0600

“Sir? Are you alright?” A old man shook me awake, a concerned look on his face. “You fell asleep on this grave,” he said, gesturing to the headstone. I shuddered violently as sobs forced their way out. It was all because of me. My father, the greatest man to ever live, was dead because I was alive. The old man patted my back and said, “It's okay son. We all miss him too.” I looked up at him and he smiled. “I knew Daimeon before she wrecked everything. My name is Lark,” he said, his eyes shimmering with a forgotten power. “I once lived out in the Compound but unlike the others, when Vesapian showed her true face, I ran. It's because of my cowardice that he's dead.” He pulled his necklace off and showed it to me. “This is what she killed him over. Unable to find the fifth and final amulet, she flew into a homicidal rage. Daimeon tried to stop her and she attacked him. Meinhard and Bastian, you remember them? They tried to keep her from killing him but failed. If only I had been there, would he still be alive...?” His eyes darkened as he continued, a sad look deepening his features. “The two of them, they couldn't stand being beaten, so they grabbed the sword Daimeon had gotten from the gods-” I jerked up into a sitting postion quickly, hearing that and asked, “You don't mean...?” He nodded gravely and whispered, “Yes, that. The third of the blessed weapons. The first, as you should know, was Vesapian's sword, The Sword of One Thousand Souls; the second was Kokoro's shield and scythe, able to defend against anything and attack in the same movement; and the third was a sword unlike anything ever created. It was a red sword with a blade like a plume of smoke inscribed with an ancient language. He called it The Prince of The Undefeated Wasteland, paying homage of course to the Compound.” I nodded, and he continued where he left off. “Anyway, they couldn't stand being defeated so they grabbed his sword and went after her with it. Meinhard was the one who dealt the blows, his rage consuming him and forcing him forward. Daimeon jumped in front of her just as Meinhard was about to deal the final blow and got himself killed. I always knew he was too attached to Vesapian, why else would he put up with her? Meinhard was shocked that he had just killed Daimeon and fled the room. Bastian picked up where Meinhard had left off, and almost got himself frozen. It was he, Bastian Dionysus of Lonki, who killed the Black Widow. In her weakened state, Vesapian just could not survive the licking flames of Bastian's hatred.” I stared at him in shock and horror. My heart pounded in my ears as I struggled to make sense of this tale. Meinhard...killed my father? On accident? How was that even in the same sentence?! Meinhard was my father's friend! One look at Lark's face told me all I needed to know; he was telling the truth. They, the beasts of the Compound, had reaped what they had sown. Nothing but wrath and pain was ever in that place and nothing but the same came out of it. I stood up off my father's grave and stalked off, the wind whipping my face with my own hair. Lark looked at me, then back at the grave. I could have sworn he whispered something to it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 07:29:49 -0600

@Wilson3sd Man, you're awesome with descriptions! Check the line about the gate "screaming." You have an extra "s." Did not see Emma being a cutter. Great scene!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:04:38 -0600

@steamergurl wow. i really loved it. you're really great at dialogue, it was really easy to read. the plot definitely seems interesting and i think it gives the readers a really good feel for what the rest of the novel will be like. The excerpt is really captivating. I would definitely keep reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

legomaestro — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:11:05 -0600

@ Amy That's great excerpt if i ever saw one. My surprise at the change from poetry to grit was great. The language flowed smoothly and you packed so much information of the character and the events in a few words. You're good at this! I wish i wrote that well...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:42:26 -0600

In my word processor, the other caps are in italics. They just didn't make it over to the forums, somehow. Thanks for the critique! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Emelyasunny — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:49:07 -0600

@legomaestro It was fabulous! I totally want to read the novel now, there were a couple moments where there were some grammatical issues, but the content was great. The way you were able to characterize Dr. Goldsmith just by his dialouge was amazing. (I'm more of a script writer than a novel writer, so I really pay attention to the talking in novels).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:49:38 -0600

The "he said, she said" isn't intentional word padding. I was critiqued once upon a time ago that I didn't use those identifiers enough, and was told the dialogue was hard to follow. So I guess I've overcompensated... bah! I'll be watching out for that in later chapters. Thanks for making me aware of it! They don't hear the explosion because it happened in the vacuum of space. No sound in space! I'm technically writing a space opera, but I try to keep as many facts as accurate as possible. Later when I start ignoring certain natural laws, maybe the reader will forgive my scientific trespasses. :) Also, you can't tell from this excerpt, but the explosion wasn't aimed at them. It was a warning shot across the nose, as it were. Enough to get their attention but not kill anyone. Thanks for the awesome critique! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kcde — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:55:31 -0600

@Emeylasunny Nice excerpt! There's not a whole lot of description, but you don't need it - the dialogue tells us everything we need to know. It really establishes the tension really nicely, though. Even completely out of context, I feel like I have a sense of the characters and their relationships with each other. I'd cool it a little bit with the caps lock and the exclamation points, though - there's a little too much of that, and we don't need either to know that Dalis is angry at Mark. (I'll admit, I'm guilty of both, CAPITAL LETTERS ARE AMAZING.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:19:21 -0600

Ack, don't forget about meee~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:31:06 -0600

It happens a lot :P I'll do both of you.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Metrokitty — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:39:57 -0600

@kcde I'm not going to go after grammar, partly because I don't have an eye for it and partly because I don't think that's what this thread is for. I have to say, I loved it with an awkward amount of passion. Overall it was witty and all of the characters have good voices. The rapidfire dialogue mixes well with your own slightly sarcastic sounding narration for a mix that I found enjoyable. This all being said it was a lot of speech and not much description, so I cannot say much about how you describe things at the moment. @Chaos-Insanity Overall interesting to read, but i wouldn't call the dialogue anything special. You may want to slip in the occasional break in the "story" to describe what people are doing, or reactions. Especially in first person, that sort of thing just feels off. A wall of text is never that fun to read. Anyways, that's the main thing, keep in mind I don't point out something unless I think you are good enough to be nitpicked at. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:49:26 -0600

Lol, I always have that problem. When my characters speak, it's reminiscent of Grecian and Shakespearian plays , what with their long monologues. Despite this being a somewhat modern story, they still have a tendency to make long speeches. Luckily, there isn't much dialogue, just description and the MC's thoughts on things.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Wanderer — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 10:01:44 -0600

@Metrokitty: I love your idea, especially the fact that Felix is a con-artist posing as a psychic. It really paves the way for a different type of inner dialogue with himself, such as him laughing inside at some of the cases he's been given. I'd definitely love to read it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 10:18:49 -0600

@ The Wanderer: I loved your opening line. It drew my attention right away. "Johann is dead because of me." OUCH! I also liked the 'We knew that smuggling through the Free Cities'... Interesting. I'm confused as to why these hides were punishable by death, but I think that's more my confusion and I'm sure you've explained it throughout the book. I would have liked to see some chatter, but I think in that story part there is no chatter, so that's fine, too! Overall very good. I love historical fiction and would like to see yours. Let me have it! :) Expert in my profile...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J-Opal — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 10:21:05 -0600

@ The Wanderer I like the fact your excerpt is in first person through the mind of your mmc. The excerpt is pretty short, but it is enough for me that it would be a interesting read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady_Eemia — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 10:35:33 -0600

Haha, thanks for all that! Those are just things I hadn't noticed yet, typos that I don't really feel like going back to fix at the moment haha Thanks a lot, though :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 11:50:27 -0600

Anyone brave enough for mine? ;-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:10:35 -0600

I'll bite. You bite too. But not too hard.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:11:26 -0600

Also, maybe some of you will notice the Easter Egg/nod to one of my favorite movies in my excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:19:30 -0600

@Harlow From what I read, it seems pretty interesting. You have a prose style that is descriptive, but not too heavy-handed. A few minor qualms: The flirting, while wry and humorous, could maybe be a little more deft. Right now it's feeling sort of blunt. It harkens back to old noir movies, which I quite enjoyed though. So my main concern is really that it just feels sort of fast-paced at the moment. That being said, your characters seem really cool. I love the line about Ingrid wanting to kill herself. It was all very noir. So yeah, aside from those minor qualms, I would keep going as you were.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:21:56 -0600

I think I may have written that badly, then. She's not trying to kill herself. Everett is trying to seduce her and he's hired to kill her. He's trying to strangle her and she pushed a gun up against his dick.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:36:05 -0600

No, no, I got all that, and it wasn't poorly written. I was saying that it was sort of a humorous line you might hear in a noir film. Sorry, I should have been clearer.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:43:35 -0600

@writeandknow I'm brave! OK, maybe foolish. Either way, here goes. I don't really understand the synopsis. What I got is that there is a pair of cops that are undercover to investigate a shelter for abused men. Rgr. After that, though, I get lost. Where did the hotel come from? And apparently, it's sentient? Or maybe haunted. On to the excerpt... Johanna is from India, right? I know a lot of Indians from India, and have never once heard one of them use the term "darlin'." Or was Johanna maybe an American who was in India for some reason? If Johanna is Indian, I really don't think having her say "darlin'" is exactly appropriate. In fact, imagining someone with an Indian accent say darlin' is making me giggle a little. “I came across the boarder from India..." Boarder should be border. :) "...and if I would have been offended by ‘somethin, I’ve done that already.” This is weird. I know what you're trying to say, but it's weird. Maybe phrase it like this: "If I were going to be offended by something, I'd have been by now." Or maybe with colloquial speech: "If I was gonna be offended by somethin', I woulda by now." Is there a reason she automatically assumes he's dyslexic? I know a lot of dyslexic people who are capable of reading. If I were to encounter someone who's illiterate, my first thought wouldn't be dyslexia. Then again, there might be something outside this excerpt that explains why Johanna jumps to dyslexia right away.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Coburn357 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:47:41 -0600

“I should put you in a microwave.” I love that line. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

DarkDoeAlisse — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:54:13 -0600

@ Coburn357 Ooo... I like. It makes me wonder exactly what is going on in the story, as well as want to know more about the character. 'the loss of what made him human made him stronger.' was especially an attention grabber, because you want to know exactly what has been going on. Great job! (of course, the lack of synopsis leads to even more intrigue >.>) I'm a little bit saddened that it's so short, but that's because I want to know more... There are some places where I might have used a semi-colon, but that's more of a grammar thing, as well as preference (in a way) that can be looked at later; after all, November is for writing, December or later is for editing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

daringnerveandchivalry — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:02:34 -0600

@DarkDoeAlisse: I really like it! (And I'd like to say a huge THANK YOU for using the name 'Elinor', because it's my name, and nobody I know uses that spelling) I love the rhetorical questions in the young man's speech, and the line “Break this book's spine and I'll break yours.” is such a wonderful line, I love it! I really want to know more about all of the characters, they're so intriguing. There are little grammar things for December, like needing a question mark in places, but other than that, I really do think it's great. Good luck with it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:07:25 -0600

@daringnerveandchivalry: It was tough to gauge how I felt about it from one paragraph alone. I think it's cool that you're taking a GLBT approach to romance, which is one that isn't explored that often. I like how you capture the feeling of taking your first look at somebody beautiful. You should definitely add more to your excerpt though, just so that it's more easily gauged.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Coburn357 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:08:02 -0600

Thanks :). I actually thought my excerpt was too long, haha. No synopsis because I have no idea what's going on in my story. It's very spontaneous... elements of action, humor, and "stuff." People get shot, people get tortured, and people get forced to attend their mother's senile birthday party (and yes there will be apple-bobbing). As for you excerpt, it is very interesting. I love the dialogue. Oh, and I love mythology too :D. ("sickeningly perfect family" - like that description). I thought that gasoline shenanigan was pretty funny. Also, nice job on 17K words. Haha, I'm jealous.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:09:35 -0600

Thank you! I really struggle not revising every chance I get to catch those little s's. I think you captured the pretension and focus a queen mother would have. Her tone definitely reinforces her regality (?). Your princess is also a fairly accurate, to me at least, reflection of a teen princess in a rigid society as she bucks against the expectations of royalty. Although it was very easy for her voice (in my mind) to slide over towards whiny. I think there's a good voice in there, it's just a risk in tone I guess. But I enjoyed it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:10:02 -0600

Thanks for the feedback. The plot sypnosis does need some work, but I won't be able to fix that until tomorrow or later tonight. You make a good point about Johanna. I will think about that. She has been in America for six years, which is why I have her say that... I can do a bit of tweaking. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

daringnerveandchivalry — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:16:05 -0600

Aha, I did, probably just after you looked at it, because I thought it was too short! Thanks though :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:22:57 -0600

I know it'll throw off the order a bit, but: 1. Thank you! I'm glad you like McMansions. I don't know where I got it but somehow the term seemed to fit these pre-fab houses littering the suburbs. 2. I liked your excerpt, but I must admit it took me a second read through. I like the history you are weaving for this world and the mythology behind its fabled objects. I saw another poster offer some advice on clarity, so I'll just echo them. Here's an example I found where a little reorganization would add a little oomph. (maybe) After Lark declares the death his fault, I think having him pull out the amulet and explain it's significance robs the MC of some realization, and keeps you from being able to explore the events surrounding his father death. For instance, if Lark just pulls out the amulet and says "For this." You get two birds, MC piecing together events and Lark fleshing them out. I hope this wasn't too forward, but I think you have a lot of good things going on in your excerpt!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mollie-j. — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:35:57 -0600

Daringnerveandchivalry - I agree, I think it's so cool you're taking a new approach to the romance aspect. However, some of the wording kind of confused me. For example, "Sharp, mischievous grey eyes looked out from under a long fringe, sweeping the room and Thomas could have sworn that his eyes lingered on him for a fraction of a second longer than anyone else." Don't get me wrong, the idea you were conveying I LOVED, but the wording of the sentence kind of threw me off. I loved the descriptive adjectives, but I feel you could go more in depth with them. For example, "captivating eyes". I would like to hear of how the eyes make the character feel, how the character is affected by the other's presence. But I definitely love the angle you're taking with your novel! Not many people our age do, and I applaud you! I wish you the best of luck with it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:44:04 -0600

@mollie-j I liked your excerpt, but I feel like I learned more from your synopsis. The crack of the cats neck was very nice. I think the format of uploading is throwing me off, so I had to stop and find my place once or twice. Otherwise good hook, especially with the ellipsis!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:46:01 -0600

Mollie-j, I'm enjoying the contrast from the mundanity of petting a cute, fuzzy little kitten to it's morphing into something considerably more than mundane - a monster with a serious hunger issue. I enjoyed the description immensely. I also enjoy how the character had to second-guess herself because of her eye issues. It's sort of an 'am I going nuts' sort of deal.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:11:34 -0600

Thanks Wilson :) I'm not sure about that exchange either, it's definitely one for the edit block. I want to demonstrate how flummoxed he is - it's not normal behaviour for him at all - but don't think I've quite got there. Thanks again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kat_MacKenzie — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:17:23 -0600

Fairyydust, your story reminds me of the Christian Bale movie Equilibrium...have you seen it? People do not feel anything...no emotions. If they are caught feeling, (sense offense) the are taken and killed by the Clerics. When one of the highest ranking clerics beings to feel, for the first time in his life, he must keep up appearances while helping the underground Sense Offenders overthrow the government. Anyway...you're story has my attention. I'd love to read more sometime.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Maping — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:20:05 -0600

Prologue Since the beginning, Light and Dark have existed in a pitched battle, each seeking to dominate and destroy the other. Throughout time they sent their followers into war. The followers waged war for their ruler, often obliterating themselves in the process. These forces waged a war across the millennia. Usually they are evenly matched, but every few centuries, a particularly strong follower gave their ruler the upper hand. When this happened, Balance was lost, creating a distinct time; one of peace and happiness or tyranny and despair. One of the most famous times the Darkness ruled was during the Dark Ages. Due to a particularly strong follower, Darkness managed to subdue Light for almost six hundred years. One of the few times Light ruled was during the Renaissance, brought on by followers like William Shakespeare and Leonardo da Vinci. They ushered in a time of peace and prosperity that lasted for three hundred years. And every time Light or Dark got too strong, an interference was made by followers of the suppressed force. These followers restored the Balance. Balance is a necessity because, whether it was Light or Darkness ruling, things always spun out of control. The ruler, with no one left to fight, begins to fight itself, destroying the very followers that created its rule in the first place. Balance leaves Light and Darkness fighting so almost everybody is unaffected and blissfully unaware. Jason was never one of those lucky unaware. And this is his story.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mollie-j. — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:25:24 -0600

Wilson3sd, Thank you! Yes, after re-reading it, I will definitely go back and add some spaces between paragraphs, so it's more easy to read, but I thank you for your critique! As for yours, I love love love your description. There is something you have with connecting Emma to the world, and you do it in such a cool style. A sentence I absolutely LOVED- "She was a Ramone, blitzkrieg bopping over the rainbow." Absolutely loved that part of the paragraph. Harlow- Thank you! That was exactly the kind of point I was trying to get across, with the "am I going nuts" deal. Thank you for your critique! As for yours, honestly, I loved reading yours. Truthfully, I've never read anything like your novel excerpt, and I mean it in a good way. Your approach is soo difficult because it completely boots the whole "novel-coming-from-the-hero's-point-of-view" aspect out the door. It' so different, but so cool because we never get to hear from the bad guys' perspective. I applaud your writing, and I applaud that you're taking a risk and stepping outside the box. Your excerpt was flawless, in my opinion, and I loved the last few lines, with the guy and the girl both putting the other in danger, yet both loving the sense of control over the other. Absolutely loved it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:48:48 -0600

Thank you! I'm trying for a sorta of 'Gone With the Wind' Morality with my two major characters. Rhett and Scarlett are two characters that are morally dubious. Granted I want for my female lead (Ingrid) to be a lot less morally dubious than Scarlett and my male lead. However, I want for an interplay to go between them that ranges between cynicism, sexuality and the eventual deep emotional romance - to the point where Everett is able to seek redemption through Ingrid.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kat_MacKenzie — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:03:30 -0600

@missamanda12 You had me laughing out loud at your exert. I wish there was more...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kat_MacKenzie — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:08:04 -0600

@mollie-j Love the story outline...very interesting, and your descriptions in the exert are cute...I have two cats, so I can totally picture the scene, and then to have one of them morph into some creepy hungry looking critter...just makes me want to read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Gabriel13 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:10:49 -0600

Everyone heard the whispers. Everyone felt the air change. Everyone knew something terrible, that everyone had always been talking about, was coming. It hadn’t taken but a moment or two for each person to understand what had happened. “The first has arrived,” they all said. Children huddled together, whispering excitedly and thinking it all to be an adventure. Adults gave each other worried looks, hoping that nobody would say what they were all thinking. The eldest citizens were in shock. They refused to accept that the stories they thought to be only tall tales were true. Nobody knew what to do. Should they hunt down this new presence? Should they avoid it as much as possible? Should they do anything at all? These questions ran through the mind of every man and woman wise enough to understand the gravity of the situation.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:23:35 -0600

Gabriel - This is extremely vague. You're talking about a situation, which could be a few seconds in time or a few moments. With that said, it does manage to build up suspense, and if you are making a thriller/suspense Novel, then you do a very good job with this. This, however, would be better served as a synopsis, rather than as an excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mayzerbeamz — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:23:05 -0600

A few hours went by when Cindy heard a loud noise from downstairs. She quickly got up and ran to see what was there. She went to the kitchen after looking in each of the rooms, and saw John sitting on the ground clutching a bottle. He was sitting next to a fallen chair, which made the noise earlier. She looked at him and noticed his face. He looked very depressed and older than he did earlier. He drank from the bottle and finally noticed Cindy staring at him. “What are you looking at, bitch?” he emphasized every other word, clearly drunk. “I just… Are you okay?” she shook her head. I must be dreaming! “Your just like your slut mother. You act all sweet and innocent then leave me for my own brother. My brother! Oh, sure he’s a fancy lawyer! Why couldn’t she love me? I’m just as good as him, if not better!” saying each word was a challenge. Cindy began to cry. She was always the “innocent one” and never got called names or was made fun of. “Why are you crying, you wuss? You’re a bitch like your mother and a coward like your father. I’m the only smart one!” he screamed throwing the bottle cap at her. Cindy stopped crying and looked at him straight in the eye. “I may be a coward, and I may be a bitch, but my parents are neither of those things. I have no idea what your problems with either of them are, but whatever it is, you need help!” She turned around and walked upstairs to her room and slammed the door. “You know I’m doing this for them! I could have easily left you on the side of the road and forgot about either of them!” yelled John from the kitchen floor. He drank the rest of the bottle and tossed it across the floor. He fell backwards and slept there on the cold, tiled floor, alone. To clarify things up, the girl's parents died a few days ago and the man is her drunk uncle. I know, its pretty awful, but I'd love to hear what people think. Also, pardon my language...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:34:13 -0600

@Mayzerbeamz I think you're telling us a lot of the story, instead of showing us. For instance.. "A few hours went by when Cindy heard a loud noise from downstairs. She quickly got up and ran to see what was there. She went to the kitchen after looking in each of the rooms, and saw John sitting on the ground clutching a bottle. He was sitting next to a fallen chair, which made the noise earlier." Quite a bit of this para is superfluous. Cindy hears a loud noise - the reader will know that when she quickly gets up and runs down there it will be because she wants to find out what the noise was. If you show the reader that there's a fallen chair, they will understand that it was the cause of the earlier noise. You've also told us he's 'sitting' twice. It might engage the reader more if you try something like: "A few hours had passed when there was a loud bang downstairs. She got up and practically flew there, looking in each room before finding John in the kitchen. He was clutching a bottle, slumped against a fallen chair." I think making some of these types of alterations might help with the 'he did' and then 'she did', which breaks up the flow of the story a bit. I don't understand why her uncle is calling her a slut, but I'm assuming we'd know that from earlier? His anger is obvious from his language, but again maybe show the reader some more of it? Like ... "You're just like your slut mother!" His eyes were bloodshot, hollow. "You act all ..." etc. Hope this is useful!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kristalziedi — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:40:32 -0600

That little bit of story made me want to read the rest of it. I spotted only a few mistakes there (“$50,000.” Everett responded. - it should be a comma in cases like this, instead of a full stop, inside the quote marks. And "when she spoke, with his deep, rich voice" I think should be "when he spoke".), but I like the overall suspense you have. The plot is quite intriguing and if the rest of the story is at about the same level as this excerpt, you've got a very engaging novel coming up.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mayzerbeamz — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:41:33 -0600

Thank you. That does actually help a lot!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kristalziedi — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:52:05 -0600

Grammar errors aside (fixing those is for December, after all), I find the storyline a bit boring to follow. A situation like this would need more emotion put into it to make the reader really feel it, otherwise it seems quite... trivial. Trite. There isn't much for the reader to connect with, the way you have it written right now. Most notably when Cindy starts to cry and then suddenly she stops. What happened there? You should say if those were just a few tears she shed, or if her uncle's next words shocked her out of the tears and that's why she stopped crying... Expand on emotions. That's what your story needs to bring it to life.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kristalziedi — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:56:39 -0600

Alright, rip into it, darlings. (Posted here because I have only a non-English version up.) --- Looking back on it all, I now realise that all of my troubles began the day I acquired an electric dragon. In our world, dragons are tiny creatures; ones you can hold in your palm. There are a lot of types or breeds, or however they are classified. (There is a special scientific unit dealing with classifying dragons, but they are one of the Unspeakables – the secret ones, partial alchemists, almost like legends or myths that have only a little bit of truth in them.) For me, most favoured dragons were also the more common ones – ember and silver, grey and white, black and tri-coloured fin-winged – though not all of them were complacent. Silvers – both types – were exceptionally capricious, plain blacks were the most predatory of all predators and embers needed an artificial volcanic habitat. The quicksilver dragon was my long-time dream and the marble-white – pure fairytale. There also exist mini dragons – even tinier in size. For comparison, imagine a horse. And now imagine a wolfhound. Un now remember that the horse is only big enough to be comfortably held in your hand. There you have it. This is why I stuck with the – relatively – larger and easier to keep specimen. (Just imagine how much time I would need to chop their food into pieces tiny enough for the tiniest dragons. Nuts!) As I mentioned before, magic was dwindling by the day in our world. The active wizards and witches – the real ones, not the cards-reading, crystal ball-hypnotising women, who you would usually find in a circus tent – were hard to find. There were barely any traces of magic left in the alchemists, and more and more commonly they were just regular scientists, who, truth be told, still dealt with magical problems. Call them theorists of magic if you want to give them a fitting title. Technology was the new magic and scientists were the new magicians. Globalisation brought with it a lot of pollution, and the last horse-sized dragon, who, coincidentally, was considered to be the last descendant of the true size dragons, died during the great draught in a Sauvignon's zoo almost 200 years ago. The web is still full of documentary evidence, including the dragon's autopsy video and countless pictures from the banquet of crème de la crème where they were served green nasturtium salad with steamed dragon brains and dragon's blood and Fereyne red wine cocktail. Oh, yes. Poor late Big Drago – that's how the zoo workers had named the dragon – was used up till the last scrap of its skin, the last drop of its blood. You must be feeling quite disgusted right now, Dear Reader. I'm sorry. My goal wasn't to make you nauseous. I'm just listing historical facts. After all, this society demands a very careful and thorough documentation of historical events. I truly wouldn't want You to think that I'm sloppy in this regard. But back to dragons, trouble and electricity. I don't rightly know what prompted me to get my first electric dragon. I clearly know what made me get the next seven – it turned out that their electric charges turned out to be incompatible and it took me a while to get perfect matches for all of them. Electrodragons, calm by nature, like company. If you've heard anything about creatures that can't be kept as solitary pets so that they don't die of loneliness, that's the electric ones. They wither without a match. Oh, I would gladly spend the rest of my life telling You about dragons, their peculiarities and the ways to adjust an aviary-terrarium-aquarium (oh, yes, there are water dragons too), but it so happens that I don't have much time left. You see, the power of alchemy seemed too threatening to the ones who desired a peaceful and non-magical life. Therefore, rules were put in place to limit it. But alchemy cannot be limited. You cannot dictate for it what to influence and what – not. You can't draw a line in front of it and say, as if to an annoying neighbour, "This side of the line is mine. You shall not cross." Wizards and witches who had already become quite useless were moved to the unwanted occupations like thieves, swindlers, methamyne (if You don't know what that is, it's better if you don't find out) and people traders. Of course, it didn't happen in all territories simultaneously. It just so happens that I live in the most radical of them all – Amberidy. Our guys never do anything half-assed. When putting a ban on something, do it thoroughly. The time allotted to me is almost over, but I haven't even introduced myself. How awfully rude of me! I’m sorry, Dear Reader, my intention wasn't to ruin your positive impression on the citizens of Amberidy. We're a nice and welcoming nation – somewhere deep, deep in the pits of souls, when we can remember that we aren't the centre of the world. Un politeness is our most defining quality, even if false and overblown, but… well, You understand. So then. My name is Seeley Almonte, of Heilinmonte in Central Amberidy. For my friends, I'm either Sil or Al, for everyone else – Master Almonte, and for one particular witch from Verence – just Seeley. (Darling, your lullabies are to kill for.) I used to have almost one hundred dragons and a very ordinary life, which was sometimes disturbed by curtains spontaneously catching on fire, chewed-on book corners, torn favourite shirts and gentle shock deliveries. When You are reading these lines, I am no longer amid the living and I do hope that this story, beginning in your hands with an epilogue, will not become the obituary of my world. (I've always wanted to say that.) All the best, good luck, and don't underestimate dragons and fanatics. Always yours, Seeley Almonte

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

celticnick — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:01:13 -0600

I think you have beautiful prose - it flows nicely, and I REALLY like the word rollicking :P For me - it seemed like there was a little too much in the way of shocking revelations - finding out she had cancer, and then skipping back to the part where he discovered she had a son. I personally feel it was too soon. But, you have to realise that I'm no reader of this style of fiction, so that might be exactly what you are going for... The conversations mostly felt very natural. Thanks for sharing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kristalziedi — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:06:24 -0600

It seemed to me as though there wasn't enough build-up before you skipped to the scene where Hugh and Dana first met. It feels like there should have been more to it. More emotion, maybe. The switch between both scenes was too fast, almost rushed. Maybe expanding on it or switching to a different point in story would make it more justice.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:07:22 -0600

@annaspargoryan: I had a few problems with your excerpt. The opening felt a bit like the opening of a paperback romance novel in its delivery. The way that Dana and Hugh met felt very, very quick, and I think there's a lot of room there for development. If we can get a strong sense of that relationship ahead of time, it'll make the cheating a lot more compelling. I'd look at the movie Blue Valentine if I were you. It's a very sad story about a married couple falling out of love, and there is cheating involved. It'd give you a lot of great ways to pace your novel. So yeah, my main problem right now is pacing. Aside from that, the story seems compelling enough, and you shouldn't have too much to worry about once you fix the problems.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:09:39 -0600

@Kristalziedi You have obviously put a lot of thought into the history of your world and the various types of dragons (which intrigue me - I find myself longing for a guide-book with pictures and facts to flip through). Also: poor Old Drago. Poor, poor Old Drago... I liked the excerpt very much. I enjoyed how you hint at things being not-quite-right, how Seeley is in some kind of trouble... I want to know more of what's happening with her. Every now and again, though, one of the 'Dear Reader' comments would kind of kick me out of the story - perhaps take out a few of them to allow your reader to sink into your story. It also might be helpful to shorten your epilogue to the essential bits, the foreshadowing and the basics of the world, and add in the extra bits throughout the story to allow your reader to get to the action sooner. Your strongest point is definitely the details of your world. I particularly liked the bit about "curtains spontaneously catching on fire, chewed-on book corners, torn favourite shirts and gentle shock deliveries." I would love to read more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Desert.Moon — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:09:54 -0600

@Kristalziedi: If I understand correctly, this is the beginning of your story--at least, that's what I'm assuming--and it seems to me that you are automatically overloading the reader with too much information. It's basically an info-dump, and after reading it, I have actually no idea what you are offering in terms of a story--I just know that I read a lot about different types of dragons that I could not absorb because I didn't know which parts of it would be important or not. I am intrigued about electric dragons, for sure, and the idea of wizards and witches being relegated to thieves and swindlers, but those details were almost lost among all the other info we were given.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MellyBOOM — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:19:28 -0600

@ Desert.Moon I loved all of the visuals in your excerpt. Your writing is so descriptive. The only thing I could possibly say to make it better is not to use "it" so much when referring to the creature. Other than that, it was really good.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

annaspargoryan — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:31:13 -0600

This excerpt is from chapter four - they have been friends for many years, though I am still worried about the pacing (I do think the cheating takes place too early in the story). Thank you for your feedback!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:58:28 -0600

@MellyBOOM: First impression - you do like long, involved sentences, don't you! (So do I...easy enough to work out in editing, fortunately.) That said, this flows really well, and builds a vivid image of the scene. Since it's an excerpt, I don't really have context for the situation or the relationship between the two characters; out of context, Eloise seems maybe a bit more passive and damsel-in-distress than she could be. Overall, though -- nice scene, and it definitely catches my interest.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 18:05:40 -0600

@AnnieColleen I like. I'm even a bit disappointed about the 'snip for length' bit. From the snip, I like Kim's character - she seems to be a strong, down-to-earth lead, and unless I read wrong, she's a shape-shifter of some sort? I liked your dialogue and the interaction between your characters. I would definitely read more. PS - The list of dangers was enough to make me shiver. I would be hot-footing it out of there after that little FAQ session.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Pendergast — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 18:26:07 -0600

@Vaeru I loved it. I want to read more. The characters made me feel angry and upset at times, which is what they should do. I like being angry at a character or feeling for them and you managed to do that. Good Job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mollie-j. — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 18:50:34 -0600

@AgentPendergrast- At first, I had to reread your excerpt because I was a little confused in the beginning, what with the zombie and hockey stick. But as I read on, I loved how it truly felt like it was coming from the thirteen year old's perspective. I also liked how she awoke to the everything being gone, and the bright blue sky and the sun. It was very descriptive, and I enjoyed it! Keep up the work! Btw, loved your synopsis!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Finn de Siecle — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 18:53:10 -0600

@Agent Pendergast: Interesting! Although I'm not sure it's a good idea for your leads to be named James and Jamie. Readers are likely to get them confused. I'm curious as to whether the brother's love of bugs will somehow play into the plot.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

detailsofthewar — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:07:40 -0600

@agent pendergast: there wasn't a lot to go on yet, but it sounded really good. i especially love the way it slowly dawned on your MC that her home was gone. my question would be how? i'm sure you probably address this somewhere in your novel but it really peaks my curiosity... how are houses falling down/disappearing around their still sleeping occupants without doing any damage to the room around the sleeper?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Faiyuki — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:08:54 -0600

[Removed by request]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Faiyuki — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:29:25 -0600

[quote=detailsofthewar][/quote] I totally did this wrong, I shall do this correctly, now: Wow. Talk about powerful. I never really thought about reading something like that before, but... I would. My only real critique was probably just a trip up: the like "I’d never seen Aude angry, not with me and not really." The 'not really' part doesn't flow very well, but aside from that it's <3 :) ***** (Five Stars)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Always-Abby — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:35:19 -0600

@Faiyuki I truly love the fact that I don't need to read the synopsis or know exactly what the story is about to enjoy the excerpt. I find that it is serious with just a touch of humor, which draws me in. Aside from a couple of typos (which is completely alright at this stage anyway), I find that just the dialogue alone makes me want to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ohsostarryeyed — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:38:59 -0600

@detailsofthewar Your excerpt was gripping and really drew me in. I was never bored while reading it, and when it was finished, I wanted to know what would happen next. Your short sentences and the powerful thoughts of your main character made the whole thing fantastic. And that first sentence was gripping. Immediately I wanted to know who it was that was gone. Also, I was able to easy follow what was going on in the plot, as well as identify the main problem of the novel. Nice job. (: I would defiantly read the rest of the novel!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

detailsofthewar — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:40:26 -0600

@always-abby -- i love that you have two different stories going on within the same novel. they're so similar yet so different at the same time. i'd love to have had more of an excerpt, it's so interesting that when i was done i wanted more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

detailsofthewar — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:41:33 -0600

thanks! as i backtrack & polish up more of the surrounding story, i'll be posting a longer excerpt! glad to hear you were able to jump right in.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Gabriel13 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:49:55 -0600

Harlow- thanks for the feedback, I am writing a sort of suspense novel, and I will consider another passage to use as an excerpt, I'll post it some time later. Kristal- I'm not really sure if my post is the one you are talking about it. If you aren't, sorry I got confused O.o

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Always-Abby — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:51:20 -0600

Thank you! c: I believe that when I get around to writing the second part, I may alter the excerpt - for now, though, I'm glad that you enjoyed the little bit from part one.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tally Marx — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:58:43 -0600

Always-Abby: I like your excerpt very much. It is very insightful concerning how we thingk about tragedy. You seem to have an excellent grasp of human nature and character.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:09:43 -0600

detailsofthewar, Your excerpt is brilliant. As I read, it brought a chill through down my spine as the woman was dragged out of her home. I could practically feel the sense of desperation in the excerpt, and you managed to use descriptive enough language to make it real. Your dialogue is spot on, which is wonderful, because some people are either good at description or are awful at dialogue. I wanted to continue to read it. Excellent, excellent job.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MysticBlaze — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:18:38 -0600

@Harlow Interesting excerpt. To me it seems like romance is brewing, in some way or other. Hardly a typical romance though, and if that idea turned out of be way off, that wouldn't be at all surprising either. You characters have a bit of depth even in the tiny piece you shared. A good thing of course. It made me curious too about why someone was hired to kill that young lady.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Always-Abby — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:19:15 -0600

@Harlow I'm already in love with Ingrid. I love her general rich-girl bitchy attitude and also the fact that she has no problem pointing a gun to someone if they so much as try to mess with her. Very well written, it makes me want to read more. Great job.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Finn de Siecle — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:24:30 -0600

Since no one else will critique your excerpt, I will. Alex is a creepy stalker, and Ainsley needs to run. RUN, Ainsley, RUN! ;) Why is it these secret government programs are always losing their test subjects? That's sloppy record-keeping, right there. Your prose is good, but I'm afraid I've seen the "teen with special powers on the run from the government" too many times recently. How about Alex is the bad guy and Ainsley actually goes to work for the government? That could be interesting. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling towards Alex. I distrust him and I don't like him. If he genuinely cares about Ainsley, then he should tell her exactly why she's in danger. None of this "You are not ready" junk. If she's in danger, she's ready. Hopefully the rest of your book makes clear Alex's status. Looking pretty good!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Zenrax — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:24:39 -0600

Harlow, I’m having mixed feelings about yours. The writing itself is fine, it’s done with an eye to the right detail and good flow, but your characters don’t feel... real to me. It’s like they’re caricatures of two other, normal people. The badass, gun-toting, sexually liberated vixen and the uber-masculine, smooth-talking Don Juan with a ruthless streak? It’s like watching bad B-movies. Of course, this is just me reading from an excerpt; my impressions certainly might not be representative of the characters on the grand scale, and their behavior could easily be a deliberate stylistic choice on your part, given that noir is one of your genres. However, I’d warn you about sinking too far into stereotypes- they have a nasty habit of digging in and not letting go when it’s time to find the nuance.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tally Marx — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:33:00 -0600

Zenrax: Your description is admirable and realistic. You have an interesting way of expressing yourself. It is difficult to get an idea of your characters from it, however, so apart from grammar and description I cannot say much.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mundaneepitome — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:41:37 -0600

@Zenrax: First thing: Imagery. It's GORGEOUS. I can't - I imagine it so well in my mind - the rhetorical/literary devices my english teacher keeps talking about - I see it in your writing and it's brilliant. I love the descriptions - I see that (or at least feel) your focus is more on describing the world to immerse us in. I love it. I really love it. That being said, I love your pacing as well. It's very well done, and you say so much in so little. You have a really good feel for grammar and syntax. Well, despite the fact that it has all this, I don't know. This excerpt feels like the beginning of the story (which it probably is), but there's a lot of description and devices going on that my head is spinning (or maybe it's because I'm not used to it). My only worry is that if you do that for everything, it's going to lose its artistic touch.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:48:17 -0600

Zenrax, Thank you for the critique. I'm writing the novel up in chunks right now, and they'll be organized near the end of the month. This was one of the parts that I started on first. Both characters will be nuanced, and I'm trying to go for a film noir feel, but I'm also attempting to go for more of a 'Gone With the Wind' sort of characterization where the two leads are both morally dubious characters. My Female Lead (Ingrid) is more of a good girl, but she's a woman in a position where she's having to face the world, and it's not as nice as her sheltered world where she was lavished with everything, so she's having to shed her 'sweet, naive princess' image of the world and try to adopt something much harder. My male lead is an out and out nutjob. He's not so much of the consummate Don Juan - he rather uses people for what he wants and casts them aside. The chapter involving his history was a tough one for me to write. The stereotyped characters, however, is actually a plot device. I sorta enjoyed how you called it similar to a B-movie - bad or not. I'm a huge B-movie/cult classic film person. As for yours - The writing is absolutely beautiful. It's very descriptive and gives an amazing image. The only problem here (though I'm thinking that may be the intent since it is just an excerpt) is that the characterization is non-existent, and it seems a rather wordy way to explain someone laboring. With that said, if your characterization is going to work as beautifully as your writing does (and reading your synopsis, it seems very realistic), this would be a joy to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mundaneepitome — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:52:25 -0600

@ Tally Marx: Oh man, you beat me to Zenrax's. Hhmghg give me back my nine minutes - just kidding! Okay, with that said, ohei, story impressions: I-it is my sole opinion that perhaps we write similarly to each other - or at least, that's how I feel. I don't know. I can't say much about your characters except that I'm really interested in seeing where this goes further in terms of character development - and your characters especially differentiate from each other. It's really good - I can get a feel that I'm plopped sort of near the MC and his thoughts and sentiments of stuff - but there's this one paragraph in the centre of your excerpt: “Well,” he finally [...] Want to come see him?" You have this HUGE block of information in between a thing Corallinn says and what the prince says - and it's headache inducing. You'd be much better off making three, or perhaps even four paragraphs from this one paragraph - because different speakers have new paragraphs, and new ideas also make new paragraphs. And where Silcore was describing the things to Coralinn in: “And those [...]garden. I just think it was really...confusing of a sorts? I think you'd be better off having Silcore say them each in a certain paragraph and then a following description instead of clumping it all together in one paragraph too.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Zenrax — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 21:31:34 -0600

Epitome; Thank you for your kind words! There’s always a fine line between strong description and becoming overwrought, so it’s good to know I’ve managed to walk that line, for now. This is, in fact, the beginning of the novel, which is why I was trying so painstakingly to leave nothing out, and perhaps throw in a few extra things that will become important along the road. Don’t worry, though; I tone it down when there’s not such import resting on the words. Now, I haven’t forgotten about your excerpt. From first glance, it struck me as a wonderfully original idea, fraught with drama; the royal court rewrit as a merciless retinue. Your use of introspection provides a window into the story of this land while simultaneously giving us a first look into the mind of this pride leader. The turmoil and strain that must weigh heavy on the mind of every leader are conveyed beautifully here, especially as this king would be torn apart by his subjects should he ever lower his guard. The final few paragraphs get a strong message across, one that seems like it will continue to be important throughout; these creatures have no mercy. The dynamic of strength and weakness, community and backstabbing guile, are sure to make this a very interesting story. Harlow; Your story sounds much more inviting with a little background to it. It’s always thrilling to watch the interactions of characters who aren’t really what they seem to be; the tension is that much higher when any crack in their elaborate mask could spoil the game and lead to serious consequences. In this case, given some perspective, the use of stereotypes could be quite intriguing, as it shadows the character’s views of the world and what they fear and desire most in it. What I find myself wondering about most is how Ingrid and the MMC get themselves into this situation. There must have been a long and slippery slope leading down to this brutality for her, especially from such lofty heights. As for him, working as a hired gun seems somehow demeaning for such a heartless man, which leads to questions about what dark path he took to this bloody grotto. I do hope that they find their rightful places in the end. As for my excerpt, the wordiness and lack of characterization were a deliberate choice. As epitome correctly guessed, this section is actually the very beginning (for what better place is there to start?), and I was trying to make the first view of this sad world into something powerful and laden with imagery. It’s an early view of the most central idea of the plot- that even in drab, dust, and decay, there are things both beautiful and horrible for those with eyes to see.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MysticBlaze — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 21:44:24 -0600

@Zenrax From your excerpt it looked as though you are trying to write more in the style of the classic novelists, at least sort of. Neat way of writing. Some of the wording seems a bit complicated, but of course that just goes with the style. It's also nice and descriptive, and easy to picture the scene, but not so much that a reader doesn't not have to imagine at all. =D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

detailsofthewar — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:04:07 -0600

@mysicblaze: your excerpt & synopsis is incredibly intriguing. the struggle that laina is going to go through deciding whether or not to stay in a place she never asked to go or to return to what i assume from the excerpt is an abusive home life on a planet that she didn't want to leave. i'm curious to see how the relationship between her & the alien will pan out. does he realize he's removing her from a terrible situation? will she be grateful at first or just angry when she realizes that her aunt has sold her? i'm hooked & ready to read more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:38:09 -0600

Yep, she turns into a cat when she wants to. As do others. And you apparently have more sense than most of my characters. ;) (Also, thank you!)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:38:50 -0600

@detailsofthewar I am hooked! Tosh's perspective is very well written, and the angst and urgency of the situation really come through. I can really sort of feel the dystopian 'flavor' of the world, as evoked by her words. The dialogue is natural too, and flows well. Would love to see more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:47:15 -0600

@detailsofthewar: Wow, this is good. It's long for an excerpt, but I had no trouble following and it kept my interest. I don't see much to critique with the characters' interaction and Tosh's dilemma. Their personalities come through strong and clear. The world seems maybe a bit cliched-postapocalyptic from this excerpt, but then, we don't see much here beyond their room. I'm guessing there's more out there. It's definitely the characters, and possibly Alex more than Tosh, that caught my interest here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:53:18 -0600

Ah, these threads move too fast. Ok, @Agent Double Oh Zero: The interest in this one sneaks up on you. The idea in the first paragraph caught my interest...then I started to wander...then the operation caught me again before I knew it was coming. So well-done there. I think part of what tripped me up early on was that I didn't realize (having skipped the synopsis) that Gol was flying until after Sadre spoke, and then I was wondering how exactly a bird nods its head while flying. When you get to editing, you might cut down the worldbuilding details a bit. Nothing to worry about just now, though, and it does seem like an intriguing world. (Small hint: put manual spaces between your paragraphs; it'll be easier to read.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

catethegreat — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:00:07 -0600

@ AnnieColleen. Even though the excerpt is fairly short I still get a great feel for the world. The details you've included make it seem very real and realistic, and the dialogue fits in with this atmosphere, too. I'm getting kind of an old-west-in-outerspace kind of vibe, not sure if that's what you're going for but I like it! Nice touch / change of pace to have a woman as the knowledgable local warning them to get out. I didn't really understand her changing from cat to human but I'm sure if I read more of the story it'd make sense. Good balance of dialog and description. I'd definately read on!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floralequinox — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:06:58 -0600

@AnnieColleen I was pulled in right away by the choppy style. At first I was confused, but once I had figured out that the character was a cat I completely understood and loved it. It fits perfectly for a cat; I imagine that is exactly how they think. The dialogue was very realistic and I felt like it was all new to me, not hackneyed in the least. Something about the action in the second scene was a little confusing and hard for me to play out in my head, though I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps a little more narration between dialogue?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floralequinox — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:15:14 -0600

@catethegreat Blah, sorry, I'm slow. The first thing that hit me with your excerpt were a few of the lines. Such as: "It was February but they were pretending it was summer" and " they made small talk through gritted, chattering teeth." If I were holding this novel in my hands, these would be the lines I annotate with stars. Fabulous. I also love the way you plainly say "pretend child" and "gruesome pantomime of having heard a silly joke." Oh man. So many stars for you. However, the sudden personality change after the "cut" was executed a little to obviously, unless you intended to startle the readers that much. It really depends on what you're shooting for here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 01:04:26 -0600

@floralequinox; Beautiful excerpt! I loved every word!!! It reminded me of the beginning of Stardust. Where Neil Gaiman describes the town Wall! I wish I had more constructive critique for you but all I can say is: Keep writing it the way you've done and I'll buy a copy of your novel ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

detailsofthewar — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 03:21:30 -0600

@fni: this is brilliant! it's extremely well written & laura's character is both charming & easy to like while tom is fascinating even if he makes me a little nervous. if you publish this, i'll be one of the first in line to buy the novel, even though the genre isn't usually "my thing", so to speak. the characters are so easy to picture & get involved with. i love that in a novel. the excerpt was longer than most but kept me intrigued all the way through. fabulous job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kristalziedi — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:33:09 -0600

No, that was Harlow's post. Hey, it happens. No worries. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

queenoftheoutlands — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 06:46:25 -0600

@detailsofthewar You create a great image. I already like and root for the characters and am insterested in their environment and you've managed to get in a great start with Aude's life being in the narrator's hands. Its a really good establishing exerpt. I also like the way you introduce the "Damp lung" and that it is in fact tuberculosis and the Shine, it seems as though that might come into play later. The backstory of the narrator is brief enough that it doesn't feel intrusive and I definately want to read on. All in all, a very good excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 07:35:14 -0600

@queenoftheoutlands There's nothing I like more than the sophistication of an old-day dialect! It's the little things in your dialogue ["is it not?" "milady", etc] that made reading through such a delight. The mystery itself is drawing me in more than the characters, but I already like Bramley and his "it was too early for this". The relationship between Bramley and Nightengale looks to make for some snarky fun. I'm loving the setting and for someone like me who is easily bored with description, you have a great balance going on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 07:44:41 -0600

@StarFoxMcCloud Wow. First of all, your excerpt is really well written. The language really flowed well and the dialogue was really easy to read. That said, I found the beginning to be a bit confusing. I didn't really understand why he had this little girl with him in the first place and it seemed a bit shady and he sounded a bit too resentful of this little kid. Other than that, you did a really great job.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 07:48:04 -0600

Thank you so much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SomeLameStuff — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 08:00:19 -0600

@Amy Geliebter Your excerpt is a little too short to provide real criticism, but I'll try my best =) It describes the scene quite well, not too much detail so it lets the reader create the scene using his/her imagination. The dialogue section is a little... weird to me. It's probably because I avoid using words like "said" and "told" like the plague, but you might want to keep an eye on that. Also, how did it go from talking about a ballet to a drug deal? That part kinda has me a little confused. (But now I'm just nit picking) It's still okay, just needs some sections patched.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Roulouken331 — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 08:51:43 -0600

@SomeLameStuff Hehe, I like it! Goblins are always cool if they're killin your Ables. But I'd watch your tenses, because I thought I could kind of feel you slipping between present and past, which is fine if you're just doing it for that scene, but after a while it'll make readers a little unsure if your doing it on purpose or not... Also he says "Rickton lost his mind" and I think everyone in context, but it kind of reads like Rickton lost Able's mind. But solid. I'm not a medieval writer, but I like it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 11:10:34 -0600

@Roulouken331 The beginning was a bit slow and there was something awkward about the dialogue at first. It really picked up though towards the middle. I loved your description of the red head, I can picture him really clearly in my head. I loved the line about the stupid comedies too. I really want to know what the red head wanted too. It's an intriguing excerpt and I'd definitely keep reading.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:38:24 -0600

@Amy Geliebter I like how natural the dialogue feels. There are beats in the appropriate places, and it feels very real. I don't think you need to do that line near the end in all caps, though. I also like the descriptions a lot. They're detailed, but not in a pretentious way. You really get a good sense of the type of girl your narrator is. So yeah, sehr gut.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady_Eemia — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:03:31 -0600

@Mattdemotts I feel cheap offering a critique when I didn't read your entire excerpt, but in my defense it was very long. What I did read was excellent! I loved your description (the part about Saddam's beard getting caught in the girl's teeth made me cringe and laugh), and your style of narration was different, but very nice. I'm sorry I couldn't read the rest of it, I have almost zero attention span at the moment.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:33:39 -0600

Whoops, I thought I had put a shorter excerpt in there. I just cut it down a lot more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:34:55 -0600

Thank you so much =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Always-Abby — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 21:35:26 -0600

@Mattdemotts I really enjoy your MCs narrating and the descriptions of the people he encounters. It's not overly detailed, but more like a breath of fresh air. Keep up the type of narration that you're using, and I would most definitely sit down and read it. Nice job c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 21:50:26 -0600

@ Always-Abby Awesome excerpt! I love your style, your humor, and the character's inner musings about life and death. Everytime I had a question, you answered it immediately. I smiled after I understood the "freezing my car" comment. Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 23:27:15 -0600

@Streamgurl. Although I am intrigued by your fmc Jasmine I am lacking alot in your excerpt. I wish there were alot more around the conversation.. Like what does the queen look like, how is the tone in her voive when she tells Jasmine all these things. Facial expressions. Feelings. Where in the room is the Queen sitting? by a tea-table slurping her tea? On a bed filled with hundreds of cushions from the most expensive silk?... What does Jasmine's expression tell us about the encounter? Is her skin tingling with anxiety when she walks up to her mother? Is her voice trembling when she objects or is she boldly stating what is said? At the moment it's a great conversation between two bobbing heads in an empty, difuse room... I have imagination, but I want you to lift me in to your world and your immagination Just add more around the dialouge and I think you will see that the feeling of the story and the characters grow alot.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 23:28:28 -0600

And that was meant to be @Streamergurl..... (My dyslexia shining through)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 08:52:21 -0600

@fni Your style feels like looking in a mirror. Your descriptions evoke a fleshed out world and the dialogue rings true to speech. A very small nit to pick, because otherwise I was blown away, is that it seems unclear when your character feels guilty. The way the sentence read to me was that she felt guilty all the time, except on the anniversary. It feels to me as if it should be the opposite.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 08:53:03 -0600

Actually, I looked at it again and it was more clear. She hasn't had guilt until then, except on the anniversaries. I am an idiot.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 10:29:33 -0600

@ Wilson3sd What starts off as a typical sounding (typical as in coming-of-ageish) story quickly becomes mysterious and then haunting. The ending of this scene leaves me wanting more and I really wish I was a professional editor so that I could demand you send me the rest once it's done. Though, if you are looking for a sounding board for the rest, I'd be completely willing to give it a read when you're finished. My one suggestion is to perhaps break up your paragraphs more. There are places where this is possible and it would help to ease the pace in spots so that those paragraphs don't feel so bulky and the information contained in them can be better absorbed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Faiyuki — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 10:50:01 -0600

[quote=corelle][/quote] Wow, that was unique. I can't say that I'm a personal fan of your writing style, but each to their own, right? I love how fast-paced it is. It kept me on the edge of my seat, curious to see what sort of panic would ensue. I just have to say that I find the wording sort of repetitive, which made me as a reader loose interest, but aside from that, well done! I kinda wanna know what happens, and you've got me hooked- good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:05:35 -0600

@Faiyuki From that excerpt, it's hard to tell who is the red headed man, and who is engaged to whom, and what the girl's name is. You might just want to refer to people by their names. Otherwise, I liked it. Your synopsis made me smile. It seems like it's going to be a funny story. :-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:32:54 -0600

Could you tell me what wording in particular? I'd like to take a look at what you mean.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Atroposian — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:48:41 -0600

@ bobo the bard: You are insane. But in my mind, that's okay... And your excerpt was bloody brilliant! I giggled, often, which is good if this was meant to be satire. Which I think it is. The only one thing I would ask is for a bit (a tiiiiny tiny bit) more description. There seemed to be toooooo much dialogue, which at some points seemed pointless except to emphasize the disjointed and squabbling nature of the characters on-screen, despite their dire situations. So, a bit more description, especially something vivid and ludicrous about the setting, would make it all far more worthwhile. Just a tiny bit, scattered here and there. Yep.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Amy Geliebter — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 12:15:47 -0600

@Atroposian I really like it! I wouldn't usually read something like that, but you made it interesting enough that I want to read more. You're really good at descriptions and you painted a really clear picture for the setting. You made good use of humor too, especially with the part about Ethan acting like a crackhead. All in all, I really liked it. You ended it on a very intriguing note, and you left me wanting to read more (while still giving me a good feel for what the book is about).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Always-Abby — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 14:43:06 -0600

Thank you! c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:43:23 -0600

Of course you're not an idiot! Thanks for all =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:50:18 -0600

Amy, I'm sure I've probably reviewed your excerpt before, but I can totally do it again. FUCKING EXCELLENT. On their way to the ballet, I felt like I was watching one of the ultra-glamorous Chrysler commercials that aired this year, the one where the people look gorgeous and are all going to important places and the announcer keeps rambling on a bunch of bull about 'riding in style'. I also love how you went from the contrast of being on the way to something as beautiful as the ballet to something as stark as the hood. You also managed to make me feel the fear and anxiety of the character when you described how they began to feel the simple fear of someone walking by him/her. Absolutely brilliant usage of dialogue and description.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady_Eemia — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:04:54 -0600

@Harlow Your excerpt was delightful. The dialogue was great. Everett's speech pattern honestly reminded me of someone I once knew. Your description was really great, and I loved the whole feel of it. Very... I dunno, dark and mysterious in a way, but you also managed to make them both incredibly sexy without overpowering the actual scene. If that makes sense haha

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Faiyuki — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 20:24:17 -0600

You just say 'whore' a lot- I realize that's what the character is, but there are other ways to word it... It might just be me- one my best friends is my thesaurus :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 22:16:27 -0600

@Lady_Eemia: Ok, this is interesting. I'm not entirely sure how the excerpt fits in with your synopsis, since the elf king isn't really mentioned there. This is from before they know about the war, I'm guessing? Watch out for infodumps (e.g., the verbal orders the horses understand). Though those can be helpful to word count if need be. ;) As a general rule, though, we can figure out that type of thing from seeing it in context (like from seeing Daeron talk to his horse), rather than needing the narrator to explain it to us. It reads like you have have a pretty good idea where you're going with this, so nice job. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Liz10 — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:16:18 -0600

@Annie Colleen, I really liked your prose. You are very good at describing what your character is seeing/doing, and it makes it seem as if the reader is actually there with her. I have to say that I don't typically read fantasy, but your excerpt has me intrigued.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:01:07 -0600

@Liz10 I noticed a few spots where the tenses were different. Past and present in the same sentence makes for some awkward reading. Maybe run back over it and check for that. Also, just a formatting thing... it's easier to read the excerpt if you add some spacing between the paragraphs. The formatting here doesn't let you tab in, and it just mashes everything together. It's a giant wall of text and it's kind of intimidating. O_o You didn't write it that way, I'm sure, but the NaNo site changes it, and it makes reading the excerpt a bit difficult. At the end, it seems like you end it mid-paragraph almost. There's definitely more there, and I feel like I'm hanging, here! All in all, though, I like it! I'm interested to see if and/or how you rationalize changing the past. They're not The Doctor, after all. :P P.S. Love the name and the avatar. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:03:35 -0600

Oh yeah, I forgot... I have no idea who Mehki Phifer is. From your description, someone on the TV show "ER." I don't watch that much TV, though, so I don't know what he looked like. It would definitely help the reader out if you added a real description of the character in addition to saying who he looks like. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Liz10 — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:18:59 -0600

I have a problem with tenses when I'm not editing. I'll definitely be giving a better look at what I have written once December comes. I also just realized that there is no white space in the excerpt--i hate when websites do that, so I'm going to fix that in a minute. I am also going to add some more to it--it wasn't mid-paragraph, but it was mid-scene (I hadn't finished writing the scene when I stuck it there). The rationalization is basically that they look into cases in which there would have been a significant change if whatever had happened hadn't happened. Later on in the scene, Celia asks why they chose that case, and is told that those deaths eventually lead to six others and that if they had lived the town would have progressed faster than the other Southern towns did. I forget that a lot of people don't watch as much television as I do, so when I go back and edit it, I'll describe Ben a little bit better. P.S. Thanks. I tried putting my own picture in there, but it was too big for the website and since I had already chosen to go by Liz10 I did a search for images from that episode of Doctor Who. (Also, I guess you don't like Torchwood because Mehki Phifer was in the most recent season as Rex Matheson. He was much better looking a decade ago, though.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:26:30 -0600

Yeeeaaahhhh I tried to watch Torchwood. I really did. I couldn't make it past episode 3 in season 1. I decided re-watching DW was a better use of my time. Or studying. Whichever. :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Liz10 — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 01:52:47 -0600

I prefer Doctor Who, but there just isn't enough Captain Jack in that, so I have to watch Torchwood. I did hear he is supposed to be back during the next season. Don't know if it is true, though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Irish_Carbomb — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:53:14 -0600

@Tooterfish: Fairly solid excerpt. My only "gripe" is that you use the character names one to three times in every paragraph. If it's obvious who's speaking or looking at who, you can cut the name, or use something that sets the person apart from the group to describe them (the blond, the woman, etc). Also, some of the conflict you present becomes redundant. If Cen slams her hands into Leif's chest, obviously she's shoving him. This could benefit from simple rewording. Otherwise, awesome and makes me want to read more. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LouiseAlex — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 05:27:19 -0600

@ Irish-Carbomb I thoroughly enjoyed your excerpt. Highly descriptive it created a very strong visual. It left me intrigued, "the blonde" seems to have a huge amount of hatred for the "victim", she has killed him and yet you sense that she is probably a decent person. This seems apparent by the support of her friends. It left me wanting to know what circumstances had driven her to such a situation and wondering who the other person was that she seemed to detest even more. It made me want to read more, so a job done very well!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 07:47:08 -0600

This is true, 'whore' is used a lot and is a hard sounding word when read which is why I sometimes refer to him as 'kid'. I suppose I could also call him 'prostitute' but any of the other synonyms don't fit. Plus 'prostitute' is a bit nicer than Rye would use. Some of the narration is based on his personality. ...well, maybe 'hustler' sort of fits, but people tend to confuse that with pool and card games. And at this point, he doesn't have a name. Not like I haven't named him, he just hasn't been named by Rye yet. Maybe I should give him a temp name. I suppose his pimp would have called him by some sort of set name and if Rye knows everyone else's name, why wouldn't he know the whore's? Good thoughts, thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

RandomFitz — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 07:52:34 -0600

@ LouiseAlex I was appropriately thrown by your extract. I believe it did what you intended! Unfortunately, me being a nerd, I instantly assumed it was a time travel story. This probably wasn't helped by the unconscious association between the name Melody and Doctor Who. I couldn't work out why they weren't more confused by the temporal anomaly. Once I'd read the synopsis it made a lot more sense! I found your dialogue a bit confusing at times. I think that is, in part, due to the fact that Nano won't let you tab anything in. I had a similar problem when I did my excerpt. I'm always more inclined to break things up to keep it as clear as possible, so that may simply a personal preference. But once or twice I found it hard to register who was speaking and where the dialogue was. It wasn't too much of a problem (I could work it out obviously), it just broke my flow. In terms of plotting I think it works. As I said, I shared Alex's confusion. Her anger felt justified, and I was surprised by the familial revelation. I found Mike pretty unlikeable however. I didn't like the way he spoke to his wife, or the way he handled the situation in general. He seemed to be responding unreasonably to a completely rational conclusion. That may not be a problem, you make want us to dislike him in this scene. If you do, it certainly worked on me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LouiseAlex — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 08:21:29 -0600

@ RandomFitz Thank you for your thoughts and comments. Oh Melody Pond indeed! It is a confusing story I am trying to write a sequel that could be read by somebody new to the story with as much enjoyment as somebody who had read volume one. The dialogue, I completely take onboard what you are saying, I do tend to run off with it at full steam ahead. The lack of tabs does not help my case I agree. I think Mike has a pretty thick skin, he is pretty down to earth and appears a little insensitive at times. I think this has a great deal to do with his troubled childhood. It has served him well at times, he has accepted situations which many others simply wouldn't have been able to. It is also a huge contrast to Alex who feels everything deeply and can appear to be unreasonable and hysterical at times. Mike adores her, but is often bewildered by her reactions. I think if you met Mike your initial impression might well be that he is indeed unlikeable, but I think he would grow on most people. Once again I appreciate your feedback, thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

RandomFitz — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 08:28:32 -0600

No problem. It's interesting that it is a sequel. I wouldn't have known, which, considering what you've stated above, shows that your intention to keep it accessible is succeeding.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:51:18 -0600

@RandomFitz I like the overall idea, especially the idea of the 'old magic' being technology, but there seemed to be a lot of explaining and not a lot of action. You might try focusing more on what's happening and adding in the bits about the fallen god and the mythos in tidbits throughout. The stairway into the ground was very creepy - I liked how your MC disliked the stairs because they were metal rather than stone. Good way to show how he feels about old magic/technology.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:56:39 -0600

Vaeru, I love the feeling that I'm getting from your dialogue. It's as though I'm the fly on the wall in the middle of an intimidating discussion going on. The detail is excellent and done only when needed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:07:08 -0600

@Harlow, I was excited as soon as I saw the genre! I feel like I tell everyone this, but I absolutely love jumping right in on the action, especially for the excerpt. I don't think you need "agitatedly" in Ingrid's second line- it just might be me, but it sort of throws off that whole sentence to me. I think you show show her agitation [maybe slamming down the gun? They wouldn't make it go off, would it?] Same thing later in the paragraph "palm pressed against her forehead in annoyance". That whole paragraph was about her annoyance towards only being worth $50,000- you've already shown it and it's sort of redundant now. I also think you should take "erotically" out of "...their bodies pressed erotically together," it reads better to me without, but you are showing us lately that it is indeed an erotic experience. I love Everett's character, you've definitely made two different characters from two different words here. Your choice of words for him [like "if I may inquire"] helped me hear his voice, his accent. I interested by their relationship- I want to know if she's known him before this or if he's known HER, considering he was all up on her [although is he really attracted to her or does he just not want her to kill him?]. Besides a couple of little kinks, this is well-written- you obviously know what you're doing. Good luck with your story! I'm interested in what direction you're going in. [Also, I pictured your profile pic when picturing Ingrid! Probably not what you were going for, but the picture is striking]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:46:20 -0600

Thank you. Ingrid is Creole of Color, BTW. Corrections noted and made.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Faiyuki — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 17:52:01 -0600

In the words of Hamlet: "Words, words, words" You hath many of them. Aside from that, I loved it! It was great! Why do I feel like my excerpt is too short?! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 18:00:26 -0600

Thank you! Where do you think I should cut it off? Because that is pretty much one chapter...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kookaburra17 — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:37:28 -0600

@Faiyuki: I have to admit that was chaotic in a wonderful way. It matched the way you presented the characters and story in the synopsis very well. My only critiique is that it got a little *too* confusing in a few spots. Something I'd suggest paying close attention to is a rule that I admit I forgot a lot...a new paragraph should begin whenever a new character acts, just like when they speak. Other than that your story seems very entertaining. And just because an excerpt is short doesn't mean there's something wrong with it; it's just short! ((Keep in mind this is coming from a short *person*, lol.))

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:35:55 -0600

@Kookaburra17: ok, this is fun. :) All the interrupting at first is a bit hard to follow, but that can be ironed out later. You have some lines I really like (the seal simile & Esperl's purpose in the tribe particularly). Watch out for infodumping. You don't need to tell us explicitly that Yarnuq is afraid of the dragonrider, if we see him backing down. You don't need to tell us that the dragon's rarely seen, if we rarely see him in the story. (Unless you need it for wordcount - in that case, all bets are off. ;) ) Nice job; keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chuckney — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:22:56 -0600

@AnnieColleen I really like your excerpt. You have a great writing style, it varies brilliantly - everything feels fresh and exciting, language-wise :) I'm not sure about some of the smaller sentences, where you have long sentences punctuated with very short ones; they disrupt the flow a bit, but that may be a personal taste thing on my part. The tension of the scene comes across really well and I think it's a great taster for your wider plotline and story. I enjoyed it a lot :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:42:52 -0600

Chuckney, Your excerpt seems more as though it should be a synopsis. It's very vague and I don't know much of what is going on other than the narrator has a crush on this tomboyish girl. I'd like to see it fleshed out a lot more. Also, there are a few errors. This - " I can remember so clearly the day in Year Eight, right after she came out, when she walked into form one morning with all her hair cut off." -should be proofread. Also, the proper term that you want is 'approximately.' I'm taking it that that's a typo, though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 22:49:25 -0600

missamanda12 - I think your dialogue will flow a little more smoothly if you begin a new paragraph whenever a different character begins speaking. I'd also like to see you reveal a bit more of what's happening with the characters. If I'm to understand correctly, what we have here is an insecure vampire who hates being stereotyped, which (in my opinion) is a very innovative spin on the twilight formula. queenoftheoutlands - I also gave your excerpt a read for the heck of it, and the only reason I'm commenting is because I feel it deserves some extra feedback. First, I thought it was really bold to name your character Nightengale, but as I learned more about her I realized how perfect the name was for her. She's definitely a firecracker... I couldn't decide if her temperment was a strength or a weakness but I think if you play your cards right, it can be used as both. Then again, I only say that because in the beginning I found her coyness quite endearing, but as time went on I started to feel sorry for poor Bramley. The guy seems to have his hands full. Great stuff! I love how the writing style has a regency flair to it! You're on the right track!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:05:31 -0600

Darn it, I accidentally critiqued the wrong member. Sorry about that, Harlow. As far as the Path to Hell goes, I'd say you've got the Noir/Romance genre pretty ironclad. The chemistry between Ingrid and Everett is brilliant. For a moment there things were getting steamy, and I think you handled that with finesse. What came after that was also very fun to read about. I am having trouble giving you anything constructive, as this reads like a professional novel. The only thing I can think of is the line, "Ingrid had grown up a rich girl" which may or may not violate the show don't tell rule. I would possibly strike that altogether, or at least expound somehow... maybe say that her shoes alone eclipsed what Everett was getting paid.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:15:57 -0600

@andrew.mack - I must say that for such a short excerpt it contained many brilliant lines. I especially smiled when I read "die a virgin" - that alone was stupendious! Another excelent lie was the When one had an infestation, one hired an exterminator. I think that if you continue writing in this style it will be an awesome story. There was one part where I would have wanted a bit more. Bun lost his breakfast. I'd want to hear a bit more about the emotions around that.. not the loss of breakfast in it self but maybe some more reflection that leda up to the loss. I'm assuming he vomited..

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:20:01 -0600

So to the poor fellah who will be critiquing me. I want to ask for a favour: I'd like you toread the following excerpt instedad. Thanks. “Seventeen days,” Laura Ebbens muttered and rummaged through the last of the kitchen drawers in hunt for a bowl scraper. “Seventeen freakin’ days and I still can’t find anything in this stupid kitchen.” She growled in frustration, shut the drawer and turned to the stove to save her boiling lasagne plates before they would become a minute past al dente, instead of a minute short of it. Then she saw it! The bowl scraper was hanging next to the gravy whisk on the hook rail that was screwed with two brutal screws to the wall behind the stove. Brilliant, Laura thought and sighed. Such a logical place for a bowl scrape! She removed the pot with boiling pasta from the plate and poured the water in the sink. Steam billowed and burned her small hands, but Laura was hardy in the kitchen. She didn’t cry when she cut onion, and it would take much more than the occasional scolding to scare her away from cooking. In fact, Laura loved cooking. It wasn’t what she was doing that frustrated her; it was where she was doing it. The ‘stupid kitchen,’ otherwise known as the common kitchen in the Smith’s intimate B&B in Lancashire’s Darwenwood, had slowly begun to drive Laura nuts. Nothing was placed where it logically should; the knives were dull; the workspace hardly inspiring of culinary enterprises, and the oven was unevenly heated. Only eighteen more days, Laura thought, grabbed the bowl scrape from the hook rail and started assemble the lasagne. First a thin layer with tomato sauce, then a layer with lasagne plates, two cups of filling, a cup of sauce, a handful of shredded cheese… The young woman felt the frustration subside with each added layer, but she wouldn’t have minded the least to somehow get zapped from the yellow kitchen with its white panned windows and lace curtains, to her own, beloved and ordered kitchen back in Oxford. Laura had never thought it would come to this, but she was homesick. She missed her kitchen, her friends, and the city of dreaming spires. She missed being able to sit down at a café and just observe people. There was no café in Darwenwood, nor were there many people. The town, once established as a market town, had flourished as a cotton mill during the industrial revolution, but all that was left of the once so profitable textile factory was a derelict, grey building with cracked windows, and the shortage of job ensuing its closure. In the last few years, the population had crawled under the thousand-mark, as more and more families grew tired of commuting to nearby towns for work and education. It was among the remaining nine hundred thirty-eight inhabitants that Laura’s and her co-worker’s arrival had caused vast excitement, and the young woman was pretty sure that if Darwenwood had had its own newspaper, she and her co-worker would have made the front page. There reasons for the furore were (at least as Laura was concerned) four. First of all, Darwenwood didn’t exactly have a steady influx of visitors. Secondly; Laura and Claus were there to excavate the glade where Darwenwood’s original church had stood before it burnt to the ground some two hundred years earlier. Thirdly; there was nothing else interesting going on in the town, and finally; no one born and raised in Darwenwood had escaped the ghost stories that circulated about the glade. Though there was no other documentation of the happenings surrounding the church fire than the word of mouth, the general belief in the town was that it had been in connection with a witch burning. The woman who according to the stories should have been accused for witchcraft was said to have cursed the town before she was hung and burned, and some said she had sworn to come back to haunt the descendants of anyone involved in her hoax trial and those who merely stood by to let it proceed. One lady said her grandmother had seen the witch when she walked by the glade as a young girl. A few people said she was the reason that the town never really recovered after the Great Depression, and others said that her wrath was lingering in the glade and that anyone who stepped on the ground would die an early death; scorched by flames from the inside. However, if asked directly, no one really believed in the stories and neither did Laura or Claus, but it was these stories that had come to Claus’s attention about a year ago and finally had brought about the excavation. Laura’s co-worker was an anthropological stager who had spent his last ten years researching our ancestors’ belief in witchcraft, and as an extension the European witch-hunt. The archaeological witch-hunt in Darwenwood was his latest academic child (he had two teenage daughters of flesh and blood back in Oxford), and Laura… well let’s just say that Laura was turning into the excavation’s reluctant nanny. Laura had graduated with a master’s in archaeology before the summer, and had gladly accepted the opportunity to come to Darwenwood and dig during the summer while she applied for other jobs. She still enjoyed the excavation itself – Laura found delight in digging – it was the lack of everything except the excavation that Seventeen days of her temporary life in Darwenwood and Laura Ebbens was ready to admit that she just wasn’t meant for small town life. She had wanted to be, and she had made up bohemian romanticised fantasies about the place before signing the contract that would sentence her to work there for five, full weeks (including the weekends), but the fantasies had been forced to give way to reality. After less than two weeks in the dilapidated town, Laura had developed a mild but steadily progressing case of dreaded cabin fever.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kayla Laine — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:43:43 -0600

@fni: I'll critique your excerpt! I really enjoyed reading this, and like any good excerpt, left me wanting to know more! I became a little confused in the middle, wondering why Laura was in a new place, and why she would only be there such a short time, but once you explained it a little more, I understood. May I ask what type of novel you are writing? It sounds very mysterious and intriguing! :) If you'd like more in depth feed back, feel free to comment back or message me.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Frazergate — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:47:47 -0600

I really like this excerpt personally, the first words of the character draw you in, making you wonder first if this is a new house or job, then making you wonder why 18 more days, and then it draws you into the description of the town, a dabbling of history fading into the reason why they are staying there, liberally sprinkled with backround about the other characters and such. I really like that kind of description myself, its seems to flow quite naturally. Also, it seems to convey quite well how she liked cooking, particularly because what she is doing in their is detailed, so it places you in the kitchen with her. Well, that's what I think anyway.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:34:22 -0600

@fni: watch out for infodumps. They can be good for word count ;) , but it seems like the cooking scene is mostly an excuse to tell us about Laura's and the town's backstory and present situation. Most of that can be worked into more active scenes without slowing the pace of the story. @Frazergate: ok, I like this. His confidence -- they wouldn't see, because they wouldn't hear -- very nice. The repetition of 'the watcher' is a little distracting, and it's a little disorienting to hear about things he couldn't get for himself -- and then see a list of things -- but then no, those aren't the things he wants. There seems to be only one thing he wants, actually. Also, a small tense bobble at the end ('he will' should be 'he would'). But, this has good tension and voice, and the last line is a great hook to read on. Nice job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thorninhersides — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:10:54 -0600

I do love your Excerpt!!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

queenoftheoutlands — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:33:56 -0600

@thorninhersides As short as your excerpt is, it is a very powerful sentence and I'd love to know more about the context of it. Definitely something to get you thinking.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

RandomFitz — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:53:43 -0600

I do have a tendency to infodump. I'll try and thin it out in the second draft. It's good to be told, because every time I write something I assume I'm avoiding it, and then it always turns out I've done it at some point. Thanks for the feedback!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 08:01:00 -0600

@queenoftheoutlands (First - Hi, avatar-buddy! :3) I liked your excerpt a lot. You have a good sense of pacing and dialogue, and you add in detail in little bite-sized clumps amidst the action instead of doing info-dumps. You showed the camaraderie (and tension) between your characters very well. My only nitpick would be that you have a lot of names that have second meanings - Iris, Nightingale, Wing, etc.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thorninhersides — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:22:49 -0600

Thank You :3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:06:07 -0600

@Vaeru Your excerpt shows creativity and intrigue along with a good use of description. I enjoyed it quite a bit and I'm very interested by your synopsis as well. I'm assuming that as your story goes along you'll explain the terms you use 'witchers eyes' and so forth, and for how it's written, the terms feel natural and are obvious enough in meaning/implication that they don't require immediate explanation. Nicely done! [For any who read my excerpt the last time I commented on an excerpt, I've rewritten that scene and have the new one up. It's quite a bit different so I'd like the opinion of those that read it before. If you guys like it better now and all that.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:51:23 -0600

@Corelle: I actually really enjoyed your excerpt. It was sort of pulpy, and it reminded me a lot of Goerge R.R. Martin's writing. That's definitely a good thing. Gritty, realistic fantasy is the best sort of fantasy, so definitely keep it up. I love your style.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:11:50 -0600

I definitely take being mentioned in the same sentence as George R. R. Martin as a good thing. I've had his book Game of Thrones on my shelf for over a year now but haven't gotten around to reading it. If there's a similarity in styles I should finally pick it up, it could probably help me stay consistent in my own writing. I'm glad the grittiness works. I prefer that over lighter types of fantasy and I tend to write darker fiction, fantasy or otherwise. Hopefully the audience for that isn't as small as I sometimes fear. The short of it - Thanks!! XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:27:38 -0600

@mattdemotts I love your descriptions! They're easy to read and entertaining. I laughed at "pubic jungle of a beard." It really paints a colorful picture. My first critique is one I've given before and has nothing to do with your actual writing. Inserting spaces between paragraphs would make this easier to read. The forums don't indent paragraphs, and unless you back and manually put spaces between, you're left with a wall of text that's a bit intimidating to read. My only real critique involves this line: "Social Seppuku Mode, in which Jack would completely fuck up his chances with a girl." I was surprised to see no mention of suicide in the rest of the paragraph, since that's what seppuku is. Also, referring to it as Social Seppuku makes it seem like he's intentionally fucking up his chances, since seppuku isn't exactly an accident. Otherwise, fantastic! I love it. It flows easily and was a treat to read. Keep it up for the rest of the novel and you've got a winner on your hands!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 14:39:19 -0600

@Tooterfish Your writing is very clear and easy to read. Now I'm wondering who Pax really is. :-) Interesting that there's a huge war going on, and the word 'Pax' means peace, and it all hangs on him. :-D Not much else going on, so I couldn't really find any issues with the excerpt. Would love to see more! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changed my excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:16:06 -0600

@bobo_the_bard This line - Because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’m making this up as I go along, I thought. - and this one - Fifty percent understanding the theory. Fifty percent practical application. A hundred percent pure bullshit and luck, I thought. - really had me snickering. And the ending....What Is Going On?!? I want to read more of this. The characters are funny and engaging even though they aren't what you'd typically think of as characters...being tongue-in-cheek within Storyland itself. Very entertaining.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kevorama0205 — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:45:01 -0600

@corelle This is amazing writing. The amount of detail is incredible and the characters all sound very interesting. There isn't really anything wrong with it, other than a few grammatical and spelling errors. "It doesn't take long, the whore swinging a heavy gaze across the Lawn's main road, catching the attention of his victim, Tonio." This sentence just sounds a little off. Take a look at it and change it if you agree. "misshaped" Should be "misshapen", I think. "'Back to your side trash.'" Is this supposed to be "'Back to your side, trash.'"? The writing is perfect, and you make very few errors. I don't think there is much else for you to change.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 18:07:54 -0600

Thanks for the edits! Despite being a slow writer, after a while things start to run together and I start missing stuff. I'm glad you think the writing is so good, that's exactly what I needed to hear today. I bounce around a lot on how I feel about my work and today was a bit frustrating lol -------- I gave your excerpt a read through and must say that it looks promising. I like Galilhai's attitude toward finding Justin, though she does seem a bit too quick to calm down and accept his presence. As long as this stays consistent though and applies in most, if not all, situations, it can be realistic. She's really just that she's so well-adjusted. XD Justin sounds like your classic teenaged American which isn't a bad thing necessarily, just be careful that he doesn't become a stereotype. Plenty of quirks and such will help with that. I'd be interested in reading more of this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady Jane — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 19:30:17 -0600

@Kevorama0205: Your concept intrigues me. If I saw your book at the library, I would most deffinately pick it up. I love your language that you use writing from Galilhai's point of view. You allow the reader to see things through her eyes, and that is very important. Asside from the occational mechanical errors, I think you could most improve on the description of the stone tablet between them - unless of course you've explained it fully before this exerpt, in which case, disreguard. From where I stand, though, it sounds like it's supposed to be Galilhai's interpritation of Justin's 21st century technology - much like what I presume was his phone.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Meia Pipa — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:05:24 -0600

@ Lady Jane Huh. Interesting.... I'll admit, I was a bit confused by the first part. There's a lot of things that seem like one would have to actually read the story to know what you're talking about. I scanned it over a second time, and was still a bit baffled by the first part. It's interesting, but I ended up thinking of all these mythological characters. (Must have to do with my lack of focus at the moment...) The second part was more clear, for sure. The only thing was that, again, something came up.... But this time it makes me want to know MORE about this high school Armageddon thing. I liked Dan. Fiesty. And Jeri was refreshing. And then Rai made me smile because (one of) my main character's name is Rei.... Now I'm really curious as to what all happened before that. Where Dan ended up.... And what happened during that year? So, all in all, not a bad excerpt. I know mine isn't that good... I just kind of put it there for the sake of putting it there.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Meia Pipa — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:06:25 -0600

Sorry, I forgot to hit the reply button on your thingy, but my post is on the next page ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mattdemotts — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:17:22 -0600

@Mela Pipa I think that, from the short amount I read, it seems pretty good. One nitpicky thing: The dialogue in the third paragraph feels a bit on the nose and expositional, maybe make it a bit subtler. Otherwise, I think that the character of Rei seems pretty compelling, sort of a Quasimodo-type freak with a heart of gold.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ksiezniczka — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 21:03:17 -0600

The synopsis for this is that the MC, Sophie, is at her very first ball. Misha (Michel Dampierre) is her childhood friend, whom she thinks of as a brother. It's a historical novel, taking place in the 18th century, thus the purple prose... Very shortly into this dance, some man - a Viscount I believe - asked Estelle to dance, leaving me to smile at her from the sidelines. Toinette was also dancing, with some Duke who I had never spoken to personally, but I had seen him around. This went on for awhile - such a dance lasted, on average, between thirty and forty five minutes, after all - and after a few minutes, between five and ten, I began to get a bit nervous. I could see all my girlfriends - Estelle, Yolande, Louise, Toinette - dancing amongst the twirling ladies and whirling gentlemen, but none of the many men who were not dancing was approaching me. I could hardly believe it. I was being neglected, snubbed! Me! My pride was taking a pounding, and my mood began to grow sour. How was fat old Madame Hisson asked to dance and not I? How could that horrid ugly Lady Sybille Trouvée dancing with a handsome Lord, and not I? Thankfully, before my mood could be completely soured for the night, I found myself tapped on the shoulder. I turned to see a gentleman bowing to me. Because of his hat, I could not see his face as he bowed. He was in a navy blue frock coat embroidered in gold, and black breeches, which set him apart from the many men in white or tan. Only when he stood up and took my hand and lead me to the dance floor did I recognise him. "Misha!" I gasped. He grinned and cheekily tipped his hat. "Lady Sophie, I could not just stand by and watch you being a wallflower all night." I smiled greatfully. "Monsieur Dampierre, how gallant of you!" We laughed and joined the dance, as two good friends, like brother and sister, or so I thought. Oh, how naïve I was in those innocent days! Had I only known Misha's true regard for me, much pain and heartbreak could have been later avoided! Ah, but I digress, such things have no bearing on my story just yet... "There are many people at this ball," I commented. "Mm..." he nodded, as we made our way through the steps with ease. "Are you having fun, Sophie?" "Oh, yes, yes, much moreso now that I am dancing!" Just then my stomach rumbled. I blushed and he smiled at the rather uncouth noise. "Although I confess I did not have time to eat before coming here. My mother and sisters' constant comments and trying to help me in preparing were all too distracting..." He laughed, "Oh, you should have heard my sisters! It's alright, Soph, after this dance we shall meet up with Estelle and make our way over to the refreshment room. I could go for some drink myself." "Not too much drink I hope, dear Misha. I do so hate to see men when they are blithering drunken idiots." "Of course not! I am offended you would think so lowly of me!" He smirked to show he was not, in fact, offended, rather just joking with me. We laughed and then spent the rest of the dance comparing the philosophies of Voltaire and Rousseau. This was one thing I liked about talking with Misha. Unlike other men, he did not mind my intelligence in such matters. In fact, he seemed to rather admire it. And though we both followed the writings of both of these philosophers, and agreed and disagreed with things said by the both of them, Misha far preferred Rousseau while I preferred Voltaire. We never fought about this, though. Our intellectual debates were rather friendly, and this one was no different, engaging both our minds for not only the rest of the dance, but the one after that as well! I could not help it, for the conversation had been so nice, but I was a little mortified. Two consecutive dances with the same man! I just knew rumours would already be flying. Such things were not done unless the man and woman meant to be engaged! What would all of Versailles be saying about Misha and I?! I almost cringed in thought of my mother's reaction...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 22:29:51 -0600

In this universe, "pax" is the shortened term for "passenger." Cen started referring to him as Pax because he started off as her passenger. Since he didn't know his real name, he rolled with Pax. But you're right! I didn't even consider the Latin meaning for the word. Look at me, being accidentally clever. Now I need to learn how to do it on purpose...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lady Jane — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:10:34 -0600

I actually think your 'purple prose' does very well in this excerpt. It immediately defines the mood, making me feel a little like I'm watching a movie based off a Jane Austin novel. I love your foreshadowing you drop there, the wording not only helping your reader to know what to expect, but also establishing your point of view more firmly. One of the more fun things to read in 1st person POV is that narrative voice, which I think you capture perfectly. There are a few mechanical errors. For example: "How could that horrid ugly Lady Sybille Trouvée BE dancing with a handsome Lord, and not I?"

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:17:58 -0600

@ Lady Jane Your excerpt is interesting - I like how you've described the Dreydria and the crystals and how they absorb the memories of others. You've built a culture/belief system that I would like to see more of. My only complaint is that the excerpt was more of an info-dump and less an excerpt from a story, since I didn't get to see any of your characters or the world. There were no grammar/punctuation problems that I could see. I would like to read more from the story. (I apologize in advance for the length of my excerpt, but most of it is dialogue.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:55:08 -0600

Since I've already done @Vaeru's once before, I'll do the one above her's. Some one else should pick up @Vaeru's. @LadyJane This excerpt is certainly interesting, the information flows in a logical manner, but unless this is either the prologue or one character educating another, it's a bit too much of an info dump. At least all in one chunk like that. If it will be two characters talking, I would be sure to break it up with questions from the uneducated one so that it reads as a real conversation complete with confusion and curiosity.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kaylee Tam — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 12:40:31 -0600

@Vaeru Your excerpt is wonderful. I love the way you describe things from Jaime's point of view, only including details that he's privy to. I noticed a few punctuation mistakes, but that's me - the inner copyeditor. From a writing standpoint, it was well done. I got a good feel for everyone's personality despite the fact that Jaime tries not to form opinions of his own. And I like the way you've set up a servant dynamic that doesn't involve direct resentment for the job nor a keen desire to run away. The Keep-Lord and -Lady are interesting people, with nice descriptions. From what I can tell from the excerpt, you have a nice plot going. I'm trying to come up with some negative things to say about your excerpt, for the purpose of critiquing, but having a hard time with it. All I know is that I want to read it. ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Nasa — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:02:08 -0600

@Kaylee Tam: Rather a nice piece of description, especially looking at it from how dragons would see humans. It covers the dynamics of the change without getting to involved in itself or overly convoluted, which is a plus (and something I usually have trouble with, so kudos for that). It works well as a hook too, I want to know where this dragon is, what he's doing, and why he has to be human in the first place. In that vein, I think my suggestion for this would be to maybe extend it a bit, give us a better picture of Kreenash. There's little hints about his personality, but nothing really to give me a solid grasp of him, I feel. Even something like reacting to walking on two legs instead of four, or dealing with different senses would help us build a better mental image of him.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

RedCrest — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:09:33 -0600

@barlowgirl737 Awww! Poor Eden... you really capture the emotions and thought process of a young child very well. Good job, keep it up! I'd actually like to read more too.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:35:55 -0600

Since nobody's taken care of Corelle: @Corelle, I quite enjoy your writing style. It's full of gritty realism, and I really like the way you portray everything. However, I find there are places where you repeat yourself overmuch. For instance, your repetition of Rye's name; there's a lot of that going on, and it makes it a little. . .dragging? Otherwise, there's not much to critique! @Nasa, you creeped me out! Good job! I. . .honestly can't find anything to critique! A little more detail in a few spots to keep things clear is the only thing that I see might be lacking (i.e., the trapdoor slamming down; I was very confused as to what it was slamming against). :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:02:37 -0600

@Nasa That was downright chilling! As Katarinea mentioned, a few more clarifying details here and there would help but even without them the excerpt reads great. It makes me think of all the stories of abused children that are in the paper. Twisted and depressing. @Katarinea It's an interesting premise and nicely written. You keep the information clear and direct without the excerpts seeming like dumps of info, and the action in the second one flows well and is nice to follow. I didn't notice any glaring grammar or spelling mistakes, but then I'm not the best at spotting those. The only thing I would caution against is the male characters in positions of power. While tyrants do exist, even they have some degree of humanity left - an odd quirk, a non-violent sensitivity to something, etc. - so it would be best to reflect that in the male slave owners or it will begin to seem flat. Even villans must be relatable. Perhaps you already have this, can't tell from these excerpts though so I just wanted to mention it in case. Otherwise, I enjoyed the excerpts! ------ Note: To any who read mine before, I just changed it to display the first chapter of my novel. Brand new!!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 20:25:53 -0600

@corelle: Wow, that was a punch for an excerpt. The killer was able to convey both his brutality and nature through your description of him and his speech. I could see the urchins in the littered street. Unless it will be explained later, the only real quibble I saw was just what caught the child's attention. What was the gleaming ebony, I figure if it's enough to catch the child's attention, I'd like to know as well. Overall I think it's excellent! ____ I also have changed my excerpt. Just thought it could use a change.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 20:52:54 -0600

@ Wilson3sd: The ending of that one packed quite a punch, too! I was occasionally distracted by confusing sentence fragments that did not seem to be used for any specific rhetorical purpose. I would suggest taking a look at the number of adverbs in your narrative (e.g., gently, tentatively, instinctively, etc.) and keeping an eye out for BE verbs (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been). Adverbs, used in excess, do too much "telling" when you could show through physical reaction or dialogue, and BE verbs usually take strength away from a narrative when stronger, more specific verbs could be used. However, you have a lovely narrative style, and I'm quite interested in this story. It looks quite promising, and the last line of your excerpt left me wanting more. Keep up the great work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:15:26 -0600

@Anjuli Rose Love it! The synopsis was great, too. Way interesting. It would make an awesome movie! I've decided that every one of my replies on this thread must contain some kind of constructive feedback, and after searching your excerpt, I think I may have found one! "The second face—a nurse, he supposed, stared down reproachfully. Curly chestnut brown hair, brown eyes, kind mouth—she was probably forty or so. " This is written kind of strangely. If I were to rewrite it, I'd do so like this: "The second face - a nurse, he supposed - stared down reproachfully. She was probably forty or so, with curly chestnut brown hair, brown eyes, and a kind mouth." But that's just me. I'm kind of stretching to find some kind of critique. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Phantom30127 — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:27:22 -0600

I like it. The first part sets the novel in an almost surreal place, a distant star system with space pirates, yet something makes it seem very believable. I also like the detail of the man having one eye. Assuming that's a major plot point, it's very intriguing, as is the fact that he dreams of mysterious numbers. The bit about people recognizing him but not, however.... I can kind of see where you're going, but the phrasing seems a bit off. As far as the novel, it seems like it's going to be great. Good luck!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:40:59 -0600

@ Phantom30127 I would fix the following sentences: "Before each were a meager portion of soup and a thin slice of bread...The father broke his bread into four smaller parts, passing them out to each of the family members." If each person in the family already has his/her own slice of bread, why is the father passing out more? I don't think you introduce Flint very well in this excerpt; he appears rather suddenly in the second paragraph. At least explain who he is and what he's doing there. The main problem with your excerpt is how short it is. It should have a lot more depth to it, more explanation of what's going on and who the people are.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Phantom30127 — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:50:17 -0600

First off, the family has limited food supply. The father decides that his family needs food more and chooses to give his bread to the rest of them. Also, I chose this for my excerpt not to elaborate on the plot, but because it was my best piece of writing at the time.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:52:15 -0600

OK, I understand.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:03:03 -0600

@BrandonSP I like your style of writing. It flows and isn't bogged down by any weird wording. Nice! My only critique is regarding the pirate battle. It seems rushed and unimportant. Maybe it IS unimportant to the overall story, but being attacked by pirates really isn't unimportant. It would be pretty terrifying and crazy. I also don't think the pirate captain would come across and fight; he'd leave the possible death to his crew while he stayed safely aboard his own ship. I'd suggest extending the pirate battle some, and keep the pirate captain on his ship. Kill him still, but draw the fight out more. Fight scenes are a great way to pad your word count, so don't skimp on the bloody details! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:10:31 -0600

@anjulirose, thank you for the feedback. I wondered about some of the phrasing in this piece and you have rightly confirmed my suspicions. As for the end of this one, I'm really not trying to have a cliffhanger for each excerpt, nor break poor Emma, but it sure is coming out that way. Thanks again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MysticBlaze — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:16:16 -0600

@Tooterfish I liked your excerpt. Certainly a lot of action, which means we can only safely assume there is a lot of action in your novel overall. The scene was descriptive enough to imagine it too, and you did a good job of getting into your character's head. One tiny bit of advice I can offer though... At one point your main character was thinking that a good marksman could hit her easily. But then only a couple lines later, she realized the shooter was not very good at it. That seems a little contradictory somehow. it can work, because it;s someone thinking her own thoughts though, and logically she wouldn't know at first that he's not very good.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:24:34 -0600

Thanks for the advice, and when the time comes for a second draft I will definitely fatten the fight scene in line with your suggestion, but it really is a relatively minor event in the story. The whole chapter's main function is to establish the character of the prince and the battle was really just thrown in there to keep things interesting. I would think though that a pirate captain, unless he was really old, would enjoy fighting with his men.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:31:29 -0600

@ Phantom30127 The plot is intriguing and I'm interested to see where you take this story. However, it is unclear as to who Flint is and how he came to be outside the window. Upon first read it is as if he is a part of the family. Now, you told @BrandonSP that this is just a portion of something, but an excerpt (for the purposes of critique) does work best when it contains a full scene. I'd be interested in seeing the full scene, even if you don't feel that the complete part is your best work. It would also be nice to see the motivations behind the characters actions explored a little more. Why does the father hand out more bread? There are plenty of fathers who wouldn't. And just why is the son the only one not petrified by the attack? What is his motivation for abandoning his family in this time of need? @BrandonSP Your writing is engaging and the action clear, easily followed. My one qualm is that unless the prince has been noted to be overly affectionate - given his station - he would not outright hug one of his crew members. Or really one of his friends. Especially with such a gush of verbal affection. Perhaps this is not the case in the world within the story. But is so, that should be clear before this excerpt, or else, it doesn't sit right. @Tooterfish This writing has a definite Sci-Fi feel to it and really fits well into the genre. You include enough details that I'm not too lost on anything, even though I'm not sure right away who or what ZK is. From your descriptions you still manage to identify it as a pistol of some sort. My one critique at the moment is that you repeat 'stupid' and all its forms one time too many in the first paragraph. Also, instead of saying - the chair that had been behind her before she had - which is clunky, make it clear that she was sitting in a chair from the beginning and you can cut most of that sentence. Not a bad start!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

astrophrenia — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:34:12 -0600

@MysticBlaze The world you're building there is intriguing, but I think a little more insight into the characters, a little more description of the action and reaction that's going on, might make the excerpt more engaging. It was certainly interesting plot-wise, but I didn't get much of a feeling of who Laina was or what she was feeling from it. Bulk it up with a little description, and I think it could be really, really good! I definitely like where you're headed, anyway. Interesting ideas.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:36:31 -0600

Just piping in here, ignore me if you like --- A pirate Captain would certainly join in the fight. Their hierarchy worked much like a dog pack's. If the Alpha is too weak, he's overthrown. It's the civilized Captains that might not join in. Too important, you know? XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:50:41 -0600

@ corelle Would it work better if Gaelthir simply placed his hand on his friend's shoulder?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MysticBlaze — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:59:46 -0600

Thank you. I will definitely look at that scene closer and make a few additions to it. I can see exactly what you mean, now that you point it out, by something that;s hard to really understand what;s actually going on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:08:45 -0600

Yes, it would. A hand on the shoulder, and, if he is a bit close to his friend - they've known each other since they were tiny -, and he's the overly concerned type, then a slight squeeze of that shoulder may be in order. Royalty is taught to be reserved in nearly all cultures (I would blanket-statement and say all cultures, but there's always that one exception) and even those that rebel from their teaching don't usually fall too out-of-line. That would work much nicer. XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:11:19 -0600

ZK is her favorite weapon, ZK being short for Zero Kelvin (because the gun's main function is to freeze people). It's introduced in an earlier chapter. Ought to make a note so people reading the excerpt can understand. :) I repeated "stupid" to put emphasis on it. Again, missing info from earlier chapters. She's a commoner who's been pulled into the world of the highest royalty in her star system, and made serious etiquette errors since being in the palace. She's a genius and has never felt stupid before in her life, but now among royalty, she feels like she has a single-digit IQ. That's partly why she's decided to leave. I reread the paragraph, and it does seem kind of sloppy... I'll try to fix it up tomorrow when I'm more awake and not frazzled from solving matrices (!#$@%@# MATRICES). She wasn't sitting in the chair, she was standing next to it. Thanks for the critique! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:11:31 -0600

@ Astrophrenia: Very intriguing characters! Some of the actions seem to be excessively described to the point where it feels like a little bit of an overload. Instead of saying, perhaps, that your character is sad, it might help to describe his actions that show his sadness. Likewise, for other emotions, the face and the hands and the language of the human body say so much in so few words. Your characters seem very interesting, and I'm really liking your dialogue. However, if you're writing a Young Adult novel, your action needs to be tight, your verb choices strong, and your exposition purposeful. Instead of describing every motion, paint a picture by describing your scene in vivid but minimalistic brushstrokes. Keep up the awesome work! @ Corelle: (because it looks like you got skipped over!) The use of present tense works amazingly well here, and I was drawn in from the very first word. I love present tense. It sets a striking tone of immediacy. Your story overwhelmed me and dragged me into your action. The only thing I could possibly think to question is the repetition of "gray eyes." It struck me as a little strange that the detail was repeated very shortly after it was first introduced, but if it is necessary for the narrative, you should definitely keep it. This story sounds amazing, and I would be really interested in reading it. Good luck! I wish you the best with this novel.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Osage111 — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:14:32 -0600

@astrophrenia I like where this is going. The descriptions are vivid and you have very good verb usage, the only problem with the description is that it goes a little overboard. I'm interested in what Peregine's little secret is, but it's hard to keep that interest when paragraphs upon paragraphs of description bog down the urgency (or pace in this case). This is going to be an interesting story, keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:20:05 -0600

Anjuli Rose: This excerpt was painful. Literally. That guy must be close to dying, and that nurse's beside manner isn't going to help him, being such a non-nuturing nurse. The problems with his condition were well-elaborated; his chest pains, all the tubes, his stitches that aren't supposed to be scratched open, the works. It made me feel bad for the guy on the bed, too.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:23:21 -0600

Thank you for taking time to critique! I do appreciate it. His eye color does matter, as it is his identifying feature that ties him into the next bit that is set years later. However, it is possible that since the scene is so short it doesn't need repeating. I'll look into that. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:28:05 -0600

I repeated "stupid" to put emphasis on it. -- Ah, sorry bout that then. With your general clarity of writing I'm sure if you explaining it in earlier chapters then it's golden. Just didn't know is all. XD My mistake about the chair too. Perhaps I'm too tired to be reading excerpts? Regardless, the sentence can do with a trim. It's clunky as is. The others are just perfect! Very nice writing overall. It reads very well!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:31:40 -0600

I guess I have more a mind like a civilized captain then, lol. If I were a pirate captain, I'd hang back and let my crew do the fighting. Why put myself in harm's way and possibly get killed, if those suckers will do it for me? More treasure for me if they die! A Google search on the subject brings up about a thousand links to websites about Jack Sparrow, and nothing of true value. Feh! Well, I defer to you both on the subject, as I am certainly no pirate expert. :) As far as wolves go, a wolf biologist (wolfologist?) will be quick to point out that the alpha of the pack isn't necessarily the physically toughest. Alpha status is mostly psychological, as most fights for the alpha spot are largely shows to see who can bluff the best. Also, the alpha (or alphas, if there's a pair) isn't exactly the "leader," per se. Not in the human sense, anyway. They don't order the other wolves around, but rather have the most social freedom to do what they want, when they want. The other wolves will follow the alphas, but they aren't ordered to.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:38:12 -0600

Oh! It makes a lot of sense that you'd want to emphasize the eye color, then. I figured there was probably a reason for it. If you want the color to stand out strongly, you could isolate the sentence where you first describe his eyes or use a particularly jarring or chilling simile or something so that readers are made to notice them... Or something. I'm sorry—I ramble. *bows and ducks away into darkness and silence where she belongs*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Osage111 — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:47:20 -0600

@ Anjuli Rose What an entrance! I mean wow, I felt every bit of this guy's agony. You did the disorientation very well and it felt like he was on that cusp between living and dead, creepy yet ethereal place to be. Good work! You're definitley the one I'm going to turn to when it comes to writing action scenes ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

zhenyee — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:55:57 -0600

Dennis: Very interesting setting! Sounds like a high adventure story that I would love to read :) Just maybe one thing you can improve on is the distinction between the characters' traits/personalities in the way that they speak, I doubled back a few times just to make sure I knew who was talking. Otherwise, you have some good narration going on there, it paints a compelling picture!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Brindabelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 01:05:36 -0600

@ Dennis Dunjinman: For a fairly short excerpt, it paints a good picture of the world in which it's set. The names Vilada and Lee Ten, the pecking, the clockwork guardian owl and Jack's power over it - they all show that this is another land. I like the way you raise questions without confusing the reader: Who created the mechanical owl and placed it to guard the logbooks? Why are the books so secret? Who is/was Lee Ten and why is Jack so determined to read their book? It's clear that there's a mystery, and that Jack is a sufficiently resourceful character to get to the bottom of it. What detracted from it were some strange turns of phrase. For instance, "the throes of lethargy" is oxymoronic - throes are anything but lethargic. And "to ensure prying eyes don’t get their dirty fingerprints on the books" is a mixing of metaphors which conjures up a very unusual image.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Grenac — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 01:33:24 -0600

@zehnyee: You're working on a slice-of-life series, that's awesome! Your story is interesting, are you thinking of publishing? @Brindabelle: Wow, you're synopsis is excellent. I'm really eager to read your novel now. I do want to ask what a Gordian Knot is. I think your plot is certainly interesting and really grabs your attention.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 02:43:06 -0600

[quote=Tooterfish] As far as wolves go, a wolf biologist (wolfologist?) will be quick to point out that the alpha of the pack isn't necessarily the physically toughest. Alpha status is mostly psychological, as most fights for the alpha spot are largely shows to see who can bluff the best. Also, the alpha (or alphas, if there's a pair) isn't exactly the "leader," per se. Not in the human sense, anyway. They don't order the other wolves around, but rather have the most social freedom to do what they want, when they want. The other wolves will follow the alphas, but they aren't ordered to. [/quote] Watch any group of dogs and you will see evidence that this is untrue. There is an Alpha, one lead by a combination of physical strength as well as mental. But, nevertheless, the Alpha of a pack is the accepted leader. And, as the accepted leader, they have a responsibility to lead the charge. Never, in any animal grouping, does the leader stand idly by.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 03:09:09 -0600

@Grenac: looks like you don't have an excerpt posted? I'll jump back a page, then. (Let me know if you post one later.) @Brindabelle: ok, this is fun. I like Jasper's snark, and Linnaeus is well-drawn also. I'm having a little trouble following the geography, and I missed the bit with the umbrella altogether on the first read. (That might also be owing to the hour.) It's a great exchange, though, if you can highlight it a little more. And the ears turning red twice was a little distracting. (I know what you meant, but it didn't quite flow.) Otherwise, not much to nitpick. I like these guys; I want to see what mischief they get into (inadvertent or otherwise).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

WerewolfFreak13 — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 06:17:38 -0600

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, BEEP. The annoying noise was steadily increasing in volume every three seconds. I pulled the pillow over my head trying to block out the high pitched noise of my alarm ringing. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. I brought my hand down groping blindly for the snooze button before finally finding the small button in the middle of the godforsaken thing. I hit it once but the damn thing continued on its annoying attempt to see how long it would be until I threw it againist my wall. Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep. I attempted it a second time to no avail. Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep. Thrid try. Nothing. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Finally the fourth time I just found the switch on the side and turned off the damn alarm. I rolled out of bed onto the floor below, wishing I didn't have to be up at 6:13 in the morning. I was on a secluded beach in Australia in my dream, miles surf, pure white sand that was like slik under my feet, only sounds were the sounds of seagulls crying and waves breaking on the shoreline, the smell of salty seafoam was intoxicating. Of course everything was made better by my girlfriend by my side and a nice, cold, bottle of soda. Guess all fantasies have to end sometime right? The carpeted floor was even softer than my bed and I was tempted to pull the pillow and blanket off my bed and fall asleep on the floor insted of going where I needed to go. But my dad would kill me if I didn't get my ass up and go to school, so I pushed myself off the nice floor and walked across my bedroom to my dresser, pulling out a Farmington muscle shirt and pulling it on over my bare torso before walking downstairs to the kitchen. My older brother, Gabriel, was leaning against the black onyx counter watching his favorite show, (most of us were concerned that he was learning stuff from it and prayed he didn't get ahold of some of these things) Mythbusters. "Hey Lucy," he smirked while taking a bite of a dark chocolate candy bar. I growled, digging around in the fridge for breakfast, "It's Lucifer, douche." "Sure Lucy," Gabriel, irritating as ever, echoed. I stared at my nearly identical twin, wishing that looks could kill. We are identical twins, dispite the fact we don't look like it. I have brown hair and green eyes while Gabriel is blond with amber eyes. Every thing else, we were identical, except for personailty. Even the doctors called us identical. We baffled everyone in the scienctific community. My two year older brother, Dean was down next about ten minutes later. He was a 'love child' as my parents called him, which roughly translated to 'they forgot to use a condom' around eighteen years before. He, like my twin, got our mom's muddy blond hair, and, like me, got her green eyes. "What ever is going on, I do not wanna know," he yawned pulling a t-shirt off the floor and putting it on. Classic Dean. Guy was a genius at some things; others, not so much. Dean took my soda from me, opening it and chugging the dark liquid down before crushing the aluminum can and handing it to me again. "Dude!" I growled at him.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 07:11:15 -0600

http://www.4pawsu.com/alphawolf.pdf

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 07:36:03 -0600

I haven't looked at the PDF yet, but ugh, after proper sleep my post seems a bit snarky and rude-ish. I am sorry about that. *runs off to read PDF*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Grenac — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 07:54:45 -0600

Sorry, I completely misread the title. This is what I get from pulling all-nighters. It's on my page now.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 07:58:16 -0600

The PDF is interesting, but only covers the subject in terms of breeding pairs. The term Alpha is used more to identify the wolf/dog/pair that is in charge of the pack. This term can be applied to many pack/herd animals because it signifies the leader/s. Alphas have never been seen as the only members of a pack to breed. And, as the leader of the pack, they do order the others around. To a degree. They don't behave as CEOs, but they are ultimately responsible for the pack's well-being. This manifests in agressive ways from time-to-time with the Alpha helping to keep the younger members in line. This can also be seen in dogs. And it has been proven that once those at the top become weaker, they are overthrown. This does not mean that they are killed, or run off necessarily, or that there is some large fallout battle, but they do lose a great deal of their influence and are generally disregarded when they attempt to punish the younger members. Basically, they are ignored. Again, dogs behave the same way. Wolves and their behaviors is a fascinating subject for me, I've read a lot of material over the years and have a few really great books that cover research done over decades. As with any topic though, there are many opinions out there! At any rate, my initial point still stands, though it should probably be revised. I think a pirate captain would be expected to lead the charge and engage in the fight. If he doesn't, I imagine a lot of disgruntled crew members would begin making noise about it. Of course, if he is particularly scary in some way, they may not make too big of a deal of it. The best way to find out would be to research the topic of pirates in well-researched books. Not the internet where Jack Sparrow reigns. Those movies aren't exactly documentaries are they? LOL (Side note: It really irks that we can't edit or delete posts! What is a forum without those buttons?)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 11:35:22 -0600

@AnnieColleen: I really like this. You've put us straight inside Kim's head, and all the fragments and half-thoughts and little hesitations build both her headspace and the tension really nicely. I can't think of anything to criticize. @WerewolfFreak13: I'd read it out loud to figure out where your missing commas are [yes, I know it's NaNo, but it's still something I noticed], and read it over for typos before posting. It's not a spectacularly exciting excerpt, but you do communicate Lucifer's reluctance to get up and moving, and his irritation with his siblings nicely.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:54:09 -0600

Loki Mischief-Maker: I am officially intrigued! You have a nice, tight story-telling style, and I'm already very interested in your charatcters and this story, which is definitely what you want in something like this. Excellent work! The only things that distracted me from your narrative were very small: It almost sounded like you were referring to "Val" as someone's only son, but then you referred to that character as a "she." I later discovered your reasons for that, but I was quite confused for a while, which drew me from your story and kept me from enjoying it to its fullest. Also, sometimes your other pronouns (he, she) got mixed up and I wasn't quite sure who you were referring to. If the pronouns' antecedents (the things they refer to) cannot be effortlessly gleaned from the text, it's best to repeat the name. Also, sometimes the dialogue in the beginning seemed a little transparent, like the characters were talking about these things just so readers would know about them instead of engaging in a natural conversation. BUT, that said, this is very, very interesting and I keep wanting to scroll down so that I can read more, which is a very good thing. Keep writing! You're doing an awesome job.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:02:14 -0600

I really like that excerpt! Really interesting! I might change the second to last sentence, and give a bit more clearer wording on the 'no restraints', but other than that it's really good. It got me hooked and I want to know what those questions are about and why people in white are liars... :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:10:29 -0600

I loved the part where she said, "Sir? Sir, calm down. You're safe. That was great; it instantly made me intrigued. I thought that the time between restraints and telling him to calm down was very short - of course, that's mostly because of my social work training. Normally restraints are a last resort. But, of course, that's present-day. And hospitals are different. I'd like to be able to 'see' a little more of your work - some more description would be good. I got a little confused here, but i think it's just my lack of knowledge of medical terms: “You’ve been intubated and extubated. It’s gonna hurt.” - Not entirely sure what that means but as I said it's just me. Overall very good and I'd like to know more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:12:11 -0600

@ Ominous: I was interested from the start. What was he supposed to do? I'd love to see some added detail - the 'roared' could be stretched out into description, making many more words for you. I was very intrigued by the stupid, stupid tears sentence. More detail for that would be wonderful. I really would like to know more about your character. The last sentence had me just a tad confused, but overall, very good. My short expert is in my profile :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Writing in my Free Time — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:41:13 -0600

@writeandknow: It's very intriguing. I like that even though Steven has been sold into slavery, he still has a level of humanity that most people would probably have lost after two years. There are a few sentences and such that could be reworded (but that's for December, of course). Overall, I really like it, and I would be willing to read the entire novel :-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:46:38 -0600

@Writing in my Free Time I love that! Ahh! It was really sweet. I'm not sure the last sentence was too great, before the dialogue, it seemed a bit out of place. Other than that, I really didn't think anything was wrong with it. I'm just going any for fun, see what another person's opinion is.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:47:09 -0600

@Writing in my Free Time: You use body language well in this excerpt, and most of your dialogue flows nicely. I had to read the first line of dialogue a couple of times before I understood the context of the scene, though. Is there a paragraph before Jamie starts talking that you could include as a bit of set-up, since the excerpt was over by the time I fully understood what was going on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:50:27 -0600

@Ominous Rain: I like the mix of memory and action here, and you've got some nice characterization. I have a feeling it would be easier to read with the italics in, though. Just for future reference, the NaNo site's code is and with the spaces taken out to put something in italics.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:52:59 -0600

Oh, haha thanks. Do you think I should be more detailed about the 'and then it did' part? It's a pretty big part and I think somewhere I adjusted it to be a bit more detailed, but how detailed should it be?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:55:10 -0600

In all honestly, I think the simplicity of that statement makes it more powerful than going into detail about the first kill. I'd leave it the way it is.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:59:26 -0600

Okay, cool. It just, it's gotta be really amazing and striking in some way because it's super important. I don't know exactly how though. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:02:32 -0600

@Loki Mischief Maker Intriguing excerpt. Your descriptions were clear and the dialogue was tight. I thought the explanation of the connection between Jen and Val was perfectly succinct, and also firm/meaty enough to outline the fears of corrupting their mental bond. (Although at first I thought you had misspelled "guard" :) ) So far, so good. There didn't appear to be any grammatical errors, and your voice was eminently readable.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ksiezniczka — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:39:30 -0600

Ahaha I did not even see that typo. Thank you for spotting it. Sometimes when I write I don't notice little mistakes like that. And your words are so very kind, Jane Austen is one of my biggest inspirations for this. I'm glad to hear the first person narrative isn't off-putting, I've never used it before.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ksiezniczka — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:41:52 -0600

I really like this, and would be intrigued to read more. You're really good at capturing little nuances in conversation. It really flows like a real conversation, and is not at all wooden. Some people have problems with natural sounding dialogue, but you don't. You can tell your characters have known each other.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

queenoftheoutlands — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:25:43 -0600

@Wilson3sd Its definitely an interesting excerpt, and gives us a good insight into the characters. I'm not entirely sure on the context of the scene or where it fits in with the summary but it looked to me like an introduction, and its a pretty strong one. I enjoyed reading it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnLee — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:11:25 -0600

@queenoftheoutlands Your novel sounds awesome! I love the mystery and suspense and the sense of the supernatural. Your excerpt does an excellent job of bringing your characters to life. They each have their own voice and their personalities come through via their dialogue and actions--definitely a great job of showing and not telling. My only suggestion would be to give Dawn more dialogue that shows her bragging a bit more. I didn't quite see that in the excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:36:48 -0600

@ AnnLee "If it is my duty to assume a throne and be married off to a prince I barely know in order to forge a strong relationship between our two kingdoms, then I will be an agent for peace." I have to admit that this, and the whole excerpt in general, got an amused grin out of me. It sounds like it;s going to be a funny book!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:57:08 -0600

Seriously! My kingdom for an edit button. >.> We all get snarky and rude at night lol. My ability to express myself is inversely proportional to how much math I've done lately. More math, less able to express. And last, night, there were matrices. Not particularly difficult, but whoa man do they take FOREVER. So yeah, sorry if I came off as mean in any way. Didn't mean it! I went back and reread the original posting that prompted this entire discussion. I realized that I'm a dingus and misread your post about a dog pack. I read the word "alpha" and my brain automatically inserted "wolf" after it. But you weren't talking about wolves. You were talking about dogs. Completely different discussion. Derp! My bad. I'm going to blame it on lack of chocolate.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:54:53 -0600

I should really update my synopsis. Both of my excerpts have been tiny, tiny pieces of the overall narrative. The way this excerpt ties in is i introduces both the catalyst for Emma to "discover" her power and the conflict in her trying to "help." Thank you for your critique!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:11:11 -0600

@BrandonSP The synopsis didn't really grab me, but the excerpt did! Pirates and swordplay. Very nice. They seemed to be more Viking than pirate, however. In addition, there were a few little bits I caught: -The exchange that ends with "friends come first" read two ways. The first way is that it seemed redundant because "i was worried you'd save the mammoth first" could probably be just as well suited with dropping the "first" because it seems implicit with the way you phrased the knocking down of Jodric and then the description of the fallen necklace. To get to Jodric, it appeared as if he had to pass the necklace. I hope this makes sense. The second way it works is much better, it gives the impression of parallel thought between the two characters, in that Jodric worries about the necklace first, and Gaelthir corrects him using his own concerns, perhaps an emphasis on the "first" in Gaelthir's reply. -Also check the sword strike producing sparks. I don't believe the "far" would create sparks, so much as the "hard" would. Good work! Keep it up! Disregard my jealousy that you are in Sandi! (I miss PB more everyday)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:12:50 -0600

Stupid lack of edit function. The "Sorry" for the pirate captain seems anachronistic, maybe use "Apologies" or some other phrasing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kunaineck — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 21:10:51 -0600

@Wilson3sd Well, first off let me say that that was pretty long for an excerpt. However! It is also very well written. At the first moment I thought it wasn't going to be that way, BUT that was only for the first couple sentences or so. I rather enjoyed what I read, even if the story doesn't seem to be like something I would personally read. And I think that alone needs a good round of applause.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

.fayrenaissance — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:11:36 -0600

Right off of the bat, I want to know WHY this guy is named what he is. That is a... hefty name. Is it, uh, a nickname he was given? His real name? Is this normal naming for this setting? It puts me off a lot, but frankly the idea of a character named Genocide would keep me going. Maybe shorten it to just that. Speaking of names, a couple of quick four-word descriptions of these new people Franke and Carlito would be very helpful for me. The third paragraph loses me a bit, but if you would clear up the wording a bit, I'd be drawn in, I think. I like religious fic and this seems entertaining, though I'd personally love a bit of convincing as to why he doesn't want to be the savior. Wouldn't he be given glory, rewarded? What made him hate his species so much that he won't save them or even acknowledge that he is one of them? I do like these Ark Angels, their concept, I mean. And all of that previous stuff said, I would definitely give this a second look and probably pick it up! All i'm saying is that I think some polishing would make this story very appealing. I just rewrote my excerpt, so it's on my page! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:41:49 -0600

The excerpt you offer looks really good! I think you portrayed your main character's numbness. Your language was quite lovely, as well! The only thing I can think to critique is that sometimes the language or the relation between sentences or the parts of sentences was very confusing. For example, "The tea began to cool and she relaxed, feeling the warmth flow up her hands and through the air to go down her throat and settle pleasantly in her stomach." First, I get the sense of the warmth of a cooling teacup warming her flesh, and suddenly the warmth is in the air and down her throat. As poetically beautiful as it is, it does distract a little bit from the story. as she had begun to halfway stand - This seems a little bit verbose. If you said "She had begun to stand" or "Halfway to her feet," it would communicate the whole idea. The way this is phrased, though, it sounds like her goal is to only stand halfway. Little things like those were all I noticed, though. Your sense of place is wonderful, and I'm already falling for your characters. Wonderful work! Keep it up.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kunaineck — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:12:46 -0600

I think that Anjuli Rose summed up my feelings on your excerpt pretty dang well because I have nothing to add to that, however, you critiqued my SUMMARY not my Excerpt. However, I think I can see why, if you actually DID read the excerpt, you'd choose to comment on the summary instead. At any rate, I thank you for the wonderful comment and will try to clear things up as best I can. 1. The reason Genocide(yes his real name, his nickname is just Geno) DOES want to be savior. Of the ARK-angels. 2. The reason he doesn't want to acknowledge that he's an ANGEL(a regular one from the Christian denomination) is because they are, and I quote, "horrible creatures. Haughty and close-minded, these beautiful creations are disgustingly horrid in their ways." Geno, as I HOPE you can tell, is an all-around nice guy. Kind of laid back at times. 3. Because of the nature of the angels, haughty and full of themselves, they ALL have fancy names. (ex. Vikki Rosaline Amadeus, Desmond Gerard Amadeus, Gabriel Winston Amadeus) 3. The reason Genocide is named Genocide is because his parents found out that he would save the ark-angels and believed that, if he actually DID succeed in saving them, that the ark-angels would try to destroy the angels completely. ALSO, if Geno DID NOT lead the ark-angels to victory, the regular angels would destroy the ark-angels, thus, causing mass Genocide. 4. Franke is the mad scientist type and an ark-angel. He mainly cares only about TWO things, Carlito and gaining as much knowledge as he can, by ANY means necessary. Even going so far as to work for Hitler for about six months until Carlito told him he hated the idea of what could happen if Franke continued working for him. 5. Carlito is his best friend and confidante and is a werewolf. He has been with Franke since the ark-angel was twelve and frequently calls him Master in order to feel a sense of detachment because his wolf wants Franke for a mate, but Carlito still sees Franke only as the same twelve-year-old kid he met back in 1919. Which isn't too surprising considering Franke ACTS that age most of the time, even if he IS 104.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kunaineck — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:13:06 -0600

DANG that was a long reply! -_-'''''''

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:27:31 -0600

@ Anjuli Rose I loved how you described the male POV's pain and emotions. It's very vivid. Can't really find any fault with it, to be honest.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SpellingDoesntCount — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:47:45 -0600

BrandonSp, congrats my friend, that was enthralling. Wonderful work creating the atmosphere. The minute the other ship came into view, I thought, "uh-oh." The imagery of the two striking to form sparks was incredible. Well done, I would love to read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SpellingDoesntCount — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:48:07 -0600

*the two swords

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

treestar122 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:05:34 -0600

Hey, Brandon SP, I like your excerpt, your characters are real in their interactions and more is revealed about them in each paragraph. I will admit I was a little confused at first as to the setting, as it almost seemed kinda vikingish, and then you mentioned pirates, and the main character's love interest's name is kinda Egyptian. I didn't know what you meant by Cobalt Walrus at first, either, and I thought you meant an actual Kraken, until I realised they were ships. Perhaps you could be a little clearer about the setting; it can be hard to do sometimes, but ideally one should set the story within the first couple of paragraphs. Also, when your MC is talking about the walrus tusk and his love, it should probably be a little more emotional. Make his heart race with excitement, his eyes shine just thinking about her, you get the idea. :) And one more thing. When the pirate from the Kraken wants to take the MC captive and the MC says something about "better the men die than my brother's coffers run dry," it's a little bit awkward, since we haven't really established what kind of importance your character has in the story, and Marlen says don't start a fight in case people die, which implies that maybe he isn't really that important (and he probably is, since he seems to be your MC). I honestly don't know what you would do to improve this part because I don't know what your story is really about, which is the downside to excerpts, but as far as actual writing, I think you are very good and you're off to a great start. Keep writing, and maybe add some descriptions of your characters when you introduce them, if that is appropriate; integrating the description into the story is a fantastic way to do it, like you did, but sometimes it's good to switch that up a little. ^^ Good luck reaching 50k! :) ____________ And to the person who so kindly reviews mine, please do me a favour and slaughter it. XD I want to hear what's bad as well as what's good, so I can improve and move forward with my writing. Thanks a bunch! ~Wings~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BrandonSP — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:15:30 -0600

[quote]When the pirate from the Kraken wants to take the MC captive and the MC says something about "better the men die than my brother's coffers run dry," it's a little bit awkward, since we haven't really established what kind of importance your character has in the story, and Marlen says don't start a fight in case people die, which implies that maybe he isn't really that important (and he probably is, since he seems to be your MC).[/quote] I would think being a King's brother would make you fairly important. I do appreciate the suggestion about making the part with the mammoth tusk more emotional though!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

treestar122 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:18:10 -0600

True...however, the fact that I missed that is probably me just being thick, but Marlen's reaction is still a little hazy. :) Glad I could help.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:42:40 -0600

Spelling: You tricked us. If she wants to kill herself, then let her! No last-minute yanks! Of course, if you didn't, the story would be over very quickly. So I guess we expected that she'd survive.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

.fayrenaissance — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:43:41 -0600

OOPS! Sorry... I didn't even... WOW. Sorry. It's late. Wow... I am disappointed in myself. ._. Sorry. All of your explanations make perfect sense, anyway. I'd give this a read. Please excuse me while I pass out from exhaustion. If you'd like me to redo it for your EXCERPT, just tell me. Really.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 01:07:21 -0600

I like it. I can tell there's a rich world sitting in the background. Not entirely sure what half of what they're referencing means, but I'm sure it's spelled out in other areas of the novel. My only critique: “What have we here?” asked the head ranger Vilada. I'd put a comma between ranger and Vilada. Or maybe take this moment to describe her a little bit. "What have we here?" asked the head ranger. She was tall and purple with snakes for hair, and she wore an absolutely fabulous pair of sequined boots. Her name was Vilada. Something like that!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 01:21:29 -0600

I describe her appearance a little earlier in the novel (but five years later in the narrative). "Behind the administrative desk sat the leader of the Varagog rangers, an elderly but fit woman with lean but firm muscles and a piercing gaze. She grew out her long, silvery hair that still had a few strands of auburn, showing she still had some fire in her despite her advanced age, and tied it into a long, thick braid down her front instead of down her back, almost like a hanging beard. She was not a woman to be messed with." What I really could use is a dialogue coach.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Persnickety Fox — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:02:14 -0600

Very dramatic! Your writing is clear and succinct. You're good at keeping the audience in anticipation. Also, your main character is engaging. I want to know how she gets out of the situation. My only advice is to be careful not to sound repetitive, like here: "Cen looked away from the man and inadvertently met Emilia’s gaze. The priestess locked onto Cen’s eyes with her own, and she almost imperceptibly shook her head." Since Cen met the priestess' gaze, the priestess' eyes don't have to lock; the connection itself had already been made. Also, at the point where you had Cen's thoughts in italics, I don't think that you had to write "Cen thought" after it. Considering the context, I think it would flow better if you left the tag out, but it's up to you. Keep writing! =D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:37:34 -0600

Ok, here you go. This is the MC's thoughts are she's lying in bed, correct? Or, no, it looks just like the last part is? Out of context, it's hard to get a feel for how it will work. It reads fine at the beginning as internal monologue, but then it starts to sound more like a synopsis, hitting on various different points of what I presume has already happened. I think this would probably work better broken into smaller chunks over time, interspersed with actions. You can do a lot with subtext also - thoughts can be fragmented, they can be implied by the kinds of details the character notices, or by actions/reactions. It sounds like an interesting situation/dilemma she's gotten herself into, and playing it out definitely has potential for a good story.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Anjuli Rose — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:43:59 -0600

@ Persnickety Fox: Your development of your short, snarky female character is wonderful and shines in this short scene. I also now have "La Cucaracha" stuck in my head, which is a little disconcerting. The one thing I noticed to critique was that the description of your character got a little repetitive at times. For example: "Cursed with slim hips and broad shoulders, she seemed more a starving boy in well-fitted girl clothing than her actual gender in boy clothing, which she sported now. Various shades of black clothing covered every inch of her skin." The use of "clothing" three times in such a short space was a little jarring. Also, I had to read the first sentence a few times to understand how everything fell together. This is only a humble fellow writer's suggestion, but it might flow more smoothly if it was rephrased something like this... "Cursed with slim hips and broad shoulders and clad in men's clothing, she gave him the impression of a crossdressing, starved boy." — I'm sorry... that's off a cuff and a little clunky... Also, since this bit is told through the man's point of view, "Cursed with" seems a little jarring. A man would think it was a shame that a woman didn't have a voluptuous body. "Cursed with," however, implies a more personal critique of one's own body, as if we're suddenly and unexpectedly slipping into HER mind. However, your humor was wonderful and your characters are interesting and already the kind of characters I'd like to follow through a whole book. Excellent work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Persnickety Fox — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 03:44:51 -0600

@ Anjuli Rose Thank you for the feedback! I'm sorry '"La Cucaracha" is stuck in your head, though. Way too catchy, right? Thanks for pointing out the "clothing part!" I had trouble with that, but didn't know how else to rewrite it. Your suggestion helped me figure it out. Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining how "cursed with" switches perspectives. This is my first time writing from a man's point of view. They think so differently! >_< Just kidding. I read your excerpt and I immediately felt sympathy for your main character. I really liked how the his thoughts drove the scene. They flowed naturally, and didn't put too much information out at once. I found his perspective especially effective when he was hyperventilating, and the dialogue melded into the narration. Just one question, though. Does the first sentence mean that at least one nurse elbowed him to keep him down? I kind of get it; I just want to clarify. Either way, I hope your character turns out all right. I'd want to keep reading to find out.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

WerewolfFreak13 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 06:42:51 -0600

This particular scene was written at 6:13 in the morning (where I got the time in the first place) when I was ready to chuck my alarm clock at the wall. So I wasn't exactly full in grammer mode at the time. And I posted it around the same time on. A bus to chicago for a school. Trip so I also didn't check it. I'm a teenager with 5 brothers, bunch of half siblings, and what seems like a million step-siblings, plus an annoying as hades alarm clock myself (who I love but wish I could kill) so I have the experiance. Thanks for pointing the commas out though, I'll be sure to look that over when it's not 6 in the morning.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

kunaineck — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 06:45:25 -0600

If you don't mind, I actually WOULD like to know what you think. The scene from my excerpt is one that I actually like, but am worried about how...real, I guess you could say it feels. I rather like it, but would like an outside opinion.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 08:22:21 -0600

[quote=Anjuli Rose] Or something. I'm sorry—I ramble. *bows and ducks away into darkness and silence where she belongs* [/quote] LOL it's no problem! I have changed the second mention of his eye color. I think you were right, in such a short space the reader isn't going to need it said twice, and his eyes are mentioned again in the next chapter - not too far into it either - so I think the connection will be made without any trouble. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 08:42:05 -0600

@PersnicketyFox Very fun excerpt! I'm liking your female character - she is "Seven", yes? - and the man's reactions to her are believable. I like how he automatically checks her out and decides that she doesn't appeal. That's very human and is something that we all do to one degree or another. The only suggestion I can think of at the moment is that you may want to clear up just how the gun left his hand. It is of course implied that she struck him, but there isn't quite enough connection there for that realization to be instantaneous and natural. I had to pause a moment. Other than that, it reads great and, if this is the beginning of the story, I think it would work well as a hook. Nice job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:30:13 -0600

@corelle Awesome job! I had to reread the opening paragraph more than once. When it talked about the littered bodies, I somehow got confused and backtracked. I understood what you meant, it just took me a minute. I have no further comments. That scene was creepy, and it was done beautifully! --- I have changed my excerpt. It's kind of a weird, creepy scene. I'd love some feedback on it. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittypetro — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:36:48 -0600

to streamergurl nice job, I caught a lot of the plot, and of the people in your story The scene was scary and yet intrguing, great job

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

belle_laide — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:55:19 -0600

@Kittypetro I think your scene is coming along nicely. This is something you can fix in editing, but the lack of quotation marks was distracting to me. And I love ellipses in my casual writing like email (they're like M&Ms!) but maybe you could mark pauses in another way from time to time. One last criticism. Even though all caps is shouting on the internet, I think you should designate that differently in your novel. "she shouted" etc. All of that is more nuts and bolts stuff, not really content, so don't think I didn't like your work. I'd read more to find out who the man in the sack was, and I was curious to know what happened next. All in all a nicely written excerpt with just a couple of technical issues that are easily taken care of. Keep writing, you've got a good thing going!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:04:20 -0600

@belle_laide In your synopsis, add "and" to "tend it most nights." Add "I was" to "set up." I'm confused. Is this first love the body that he wakes up next to? The wording there might need some tweaking. Okay, I read the excerpt, and gathered that David was the love you mentioned. Since you mentioned a dead body in the synopsis, I assumed the body being manipulated in the scene is already dead. But it's not. I need more context to understand the setup. The short scene left me with more questions. Who is the unconscious dude? Why is he tied up? Why is he being tied to a chair? Why won't David leave?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ophelianime — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:29:55 -0600

@streamergurl very interesting! I like how you've included three different loves in there the love for her lover, the love for her mother, and the love for her God

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:17:39 -0600

Thanks! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:42:54 -0600

Amazing ^_^ It was very well written! All the stuff I'm writing during NaNo is trash right now. XP Gosh, can I read this when you are done? It's right down my alley for reading! XD And I sincerely apologize to anyone who critiques my excerpt. It was brought upon after writing a scene in which I used a dare from the dare thread. My novel was getting a bit...dark for me and I guess I needed to write something that made me laugh. That's what my excerpt is. It actually gives a good hint into the book also.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:43:05 -0600

@Ophelianime I love the premise of your novel! The first thing I noticed, though, was that the way you have your excerpt set up makes it a little difficult to read -- I'd suggest putting spaces between the paragraphs. I had to paste it into Word so I could read it more easily myself! But it was worth it, because I loved what I read -- the description at the beginning is very well done and not excessively verbose while painting a picture in the reader's mind's eye. One thing that I might suggest would be to show the doctor's desperation a little more at the beginning. Really delve deep into his desperation (at least, I'd presume it'd be desperation because this is a project he's been working on for years now and doesn't want to give up) and show that, maybe describing his physiological reactions or the panic that fills his mind. A quick mistake to point out: "...was quiet for now, being in the throws of a medicated sleep..." I believe the correct spelling is throes! Also, hq out to be capitalized to read HQ. My other concern is whether or not these snippets are all intended to go together in this order. Right now, they seem very jumbled together and it makes it hard to follow along with the plotline, like with the dramatic jump from Mindy to Heather. The one from the doctor abandoning 354 to Mindy was also a little confusing at first, but I understood it more when I realized that Mindy's purpose was to find Heather. If they are all in order, I'd try to work on transitioning from scenes and it setting them up a little more so it's not so disorienting! If they're all individual snippets, then that's a different matter, though. Happy writing! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:44:08 -0600

Whoops, looks like we posted in response to Ophelianime at the same exact time! xD Give me a few minutes -- I'll critique yours too!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:57:54 -0600

Excellent job overall! :D I'm just going to point out a few typos and the like so you don't have to fix them later on while editing: dimensions?She -- missed a space in between! capitol 'd' -- I think this should be capitol's? I'm also a little confused by what that means, but I don't really have the full context for that, haha. the loin's voice rang behind her -- typo, lion instead of loin! you were apart of my dream -- apart should be two words, a part. You now you should -- I think this is supposed to be "You know you should"? The lion said loud enough for her to hear. -- Not a typo or anything, just something I'm scratching my head over. This seems to imply that the lion wasn't saying something loud enough for her to hear earlier on. Why is it important to say that the lion's saying something loud enough to hear? It just confuses me a little bit! Something else I also noticed: don't forget to end sentences with a comma if you're going to follow them with "she said" or something! i.e. “Eat the cookie,” he said, holding out the cookie to her instead of “Eat the cookie.” He said, holding out the cookie to her. But all in all, I thought this was a hilarious excerpt! I love the running gag of the cookie, and the fact that he follows her wherever she goes and even appears in her office, and that she seems to be the only one who can see him. I'm really intrigued by what happens next -- I want to know why she passed out at the end and what exactly rejecting the cookie meant! Excellent hook, it makes the reader want to keep on reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:09:23 -0600

Augh thanks. I always tend to make rookie mistakes in my grammar the first time I write something. I'll go and change those. And the part about being loud enough to hear was because she had gone in the bedroom while he stayed out in the living room. And the whole capitol thing is more expanded in the part before, the dream. Example from the dream: “You mean all those weird things I've been seeing-” Myseri started. “No, Seeing. Capitol 's'. There is a difference between seeing and Seeing my dear. It's time you've learned that.. Seeing with your eyes it merely sight whereas Seeing with the capitol 's' is what all of your senses experience when peering into other Dimensions.” The lion explained. So in general, every time my MC Myseri says dimensions, sight, or seeing, the lion corrects her saying Dimensions, Sight, and Seeing because there is a difference between the proper and improper noun. So he is literally saying capitol s. As in capitalize the "s" in seeing, making it Seeing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:12:10 -0600

forgot to put the fact that she had thought in her mind "Why am I dreaming about the dimensions?" She did not capitalize the d, thus the lion corrected her. So it was not supposed to be capitols there. How the lion knows this ah I don't know. I just thought it added to the humor. After all it had been a dream, anything is possible.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:17:43 -0600

Ahhhh, I gotcha! That makes perfect sense then, my mistake! In that case, it'd be capital, not capitol -- capitol usually refers to buildings, while capital is the word used when referring to the capitalization of letters. And exactly, anything's possible in dreams! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:29:19 -0600

@Starfishy Interesting excerpt. I'd really like a synopsis to go with it! Or a title or a genre or... anything. :P I laughed out loud at a couple of the euphemisms you used. Some people may find them in poor taste or crude, but I thought they were funny (even if the scene itself isn't supposed to be funny). Also, some people don't like swearing, but it would be appropriate in a real-life situation like this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:05:12 -0600

Ah that's right. Oh goodness me I have a lot of capitols to change to capitals now. Thanks again =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:42:40 -0600

@Tooterfish I remember your story, but you've changed your excerpt. I have no comments other than awesome job! Good job on creating a creepy villian.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:55:15 -0600

@Tooterfish ...This is a good point. Hee, thank you, I decided to write up a synopsis and include my tentative title! I wasn't really confident enough that I could write a decent synopsis, but I gave it. And thanks so much! It suits the characters, so I was hoping to inject a little bit of humor into an otherwise tense scene. @Streamergurl Excellent excerpt! One thing that I would change about it, though is the bit where you say, "It was hard and looked inedible. I’m not even going to try that. She picked up the bread, but found it hard to the touch." I'd put the "I'm not even going to try that" either in italics or quotation marks to show that it's a thought,because otherwise the sudden use of the first-person tense throws the reader off. Also, you repeat that the bread is hard twice in three sentences, so it seems a little redundant! I'd knock off the hard part of the first sentence, myself. Other than that, I loved this excerpt! You really get across Jasmine's fear and desperation with the unfamiliarity of this situation, along with her stubborness and unwillingness to recant her faith. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:58:37 -0600

I'll look at the "hard" thing. Thanks for the catch!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:12:55 -0600

No problem! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:20:51 -0600

Starfishy: When I try to click on your profile, it sends me back to the main page.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:21:55 -0600

I'm having the same problem, Starfishy. :(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:25:09 -0600

That happened to me, too. So I went up to the top and searched for Starfishy and went to the excerpt that way.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:27:13 -0600

Oh no! I have no idea why that might be -- I'll try to take a look into it! D:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:28:28 -0600

Sweet! Just what I wanted to hear. He's creepy squared.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:28:41 -0600

Per the Tech Help forum, it seems to indicate that someone hasn't created a profile. Trying filling out something in your profile and see what happens?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:29:47 -0600

Yes, I think that was it! I tried saving my profile -- does it work now? Sorry for all of the trouble, guys!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:31:46 -0600

@Tooterfish: Your synopsis made me super-uncomfortable, as I'm pretty sure it was meant to. Cen seems like a strong character, and Leif is definitely a creepy, perverted a**hole. One thing, though: I do kind of have a problem with the trope of having a strong woman sexually humiliated just to show how bad the bad guy is. It grates a bit. I mean can't you show he's a bastard some other way? Like just randomly blowing the guy's head off at the end without the pervert stuff. Unless the fact that Leif is a creepy pervert is otherwise plot-relevant, on which case I stand corrected.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:46:53 -0600

Works for me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SpellingDoesntCount — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:02:45 -0600

Yeah, that's the prologue, so I figured, 'maybe next week.'

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SpellingDoesntCount — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:03:17 -0600

Oh, wait, that was meant to go to an earlier post. Sorry.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:15:14 -0600

Leif is the character I've had the most fun creating thus far. He's a panoply of crazy. In a nutshell, Leif is a psychopathic narcissist with daddy issues who hates women but is unbelievably handsome, enough so to pretty much have any woman he sets his eyes on. Cen is the first female to ever reject his sexual advances, which aggravates his Narcissistic Personality Disorder to the extent that he becomes obsessed with making her want him. He's essentially the most extreme and dangerous stalker in the star system. Some degree of mental instability was needed to make his actions believable and give a reason for his unbreakable loyalty to Soren. The rest was added to make the creepfactor go to 11. The perverted stuff isn't necessarily plot-essential, but it enhances his character enough to where I consider it plot-relevant. If he were a normal guy, he'd take Cen's rejection in stride and move on (and probably just tell everyone they did it, anyway). If it's any consolation, that's as far as it ever goes. No pants-off action here!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:26:58 -0600

Then it's character-relevant. I understand.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:30:23 -0600

Awesome! That description of brain matter hitting the wall made me really uncomfortable but also.. smile? Amazing. I really want to read the rest so I can figure out Leif's and Cen's relationship. The only thing I could comment on was instead of saying "headshake's meaning" I would have just worded it Emilia's meaning.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:34:10 -0600

Sorry, should have addressed that to Tooterfish.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:38:08 -0600

@PastExploits Oh man, I was on edge throughout this entire excerpt! You do an excellent job of really setting the scene and gripping the reader right away. Very intense, and utterly chilling -- I shivered a little bit at the mention of dozens of owls left in the sister's wake. I'd love to read more of this, it really spoke to me! One thing I think I would change, though, is to use a different word for trivia in this bit: "thinking of such trivia while his sister was missing." For me, the connotation of trivia has more to do with random facts and stats you'd find in books. I know the denotation of trivia isn't quite the same thing as that, but it's still something that struck me as odd when looking at that sentence. Perhaps just replace it with "such trivial matters" or something of the sort?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:40:20 -0600

Just noting: I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:42:31 -0600

Thank you so much for those kind words! I was really nervous posting in here; I've never let anyone read my work before. I was thinking the same thing while typing 'trivia' but it was during a Write or Die session, so I didn't have much time to dawdle. I think I'll change it, maybe to 'trivial matters' (hey, word count!) or 'minutiae.' Thanks :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:52:10 -0600

@lizo27 I remember your synopsis from another thread. Awesome excerpt! Maybe add italics when the twins talk to each other through their thoughts. I'm curious why the Hounds were only attacking part of the group, and why the fire wouldn't kill them all when a single blow with a knife would make them disintegrate. Did I miss something? @PastExploits So, what made the girl kill the birds and then not remember doing it? Other than that question, great excerpt. Kind of a creepy discovery, but that was your intention. You handled it well, I think.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:53:45 -0600

@lizo27 This: "buried itself hilt deep in the Hound’s hide," is a gem, I loved it. At first it was hard to keep track of the characters and their relationships, but I fault that with the fact that I'm only reading an excerpt. Your imagery was spot on, I could see perfectly what was going on, the Hounds attacking and exploding. Also the flame throwing intrigued me, and I'd really like to get to know your world better.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:55:14 -0600

She's being possessed, and constantly losing pieces of time. The owls are a recurring theme (they're considered a bad omen in my family, so I brought that to the story), and this is the first time she's done something violent.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:56:10 -0600

I have italics in the novel, but I don't know how to code them on here, lol. The reason that the Hounds don't disintegrate because of the fire has an in-novel explanation: the Hounds are Fae, and vulnerable to cold iron and rowan wood, but can't be killed otherwise. As for why the Hounds are attacking only two characters? Um, because I couldn't figure out how the other three would get away otherwise, haha! That'll be something to fix in December.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:58:51 -0600

To use italics to start and to end. Minus the spaces.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lizo27 — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:00:18 -0600

Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:03:32 -0600

...and now I got skipped. :( And I think Starfishy got skipped as well. By the time his profile came up, we'd moved on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:13:50 -0600

@streamergurl Sorry it took me so long to read! Your excerpt made me really sad. I did love that Jasmine was so strong; being a princess and spoiled and the like would logically leave one soft. But I love a strong heroine. But (and this is just me, and has nothing to do with your writing) I just can't understand why someone wouldn't verbally recant their faith to save herself. They're just words and they don't have to reflect what is in your heart. Anyway, I'd love to continue reading, to witness her finding that unshakeable faith. To see what made her so strong in the first place, that she doesn't even bat an eye at being imprisoned, even by her own mother.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bloodredcherries — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:14:42 -0600

@streamergurl I really liked your excerpt! I think that it has great detail and I am interested in the story very much! I thought that your use of descriptions was superb-you did an excellent job describing her meals and her dress and her surroundings. I am interested to know why her mother wants her to be in jail, however. Is it because of her faith? I thought the way she came about picking her fake name was interesting! You really write well!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:17:51 -0600

@Starfishy I read your excerpt, I swear! Where is my critique?? First of all, I'm very interested in what the brothers are doing on the rooftops carrying around katanas. Must know more! I thought your various descriptions of being gay were hilarious; the reactions of your characters were wonderful. Their relationship and ability to open up to one another were touching. This sentence: His final words dripped with sarcasm, a mockery of the genuine sentiment that Daniel always reminded his son of. It kind of confused me because I don't know who Daniel is, and he wasn't on the rooftop with them. But I'm sure that's only because I'm reading an excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:26:28 -0600

Good question about saying it verbally but believing silently. Seeing as I hadn't really thought of that angle before now, I shall do my best to answer it. First off, Jasmine is pretty stubborn (I will probably rewrite the scene at some point and have her cave about Trevor after the second day instead of the first). She knows she made a mistake by not telling the Queen about her relationship with this dude in the first place. But she knows she's done nothing wrong in the faith aspect. Second, she's pretty much changed her perspective at this point. She knows the Queen is wrong when it comes to dealing with the peasants of her region. Third, no one really tells the Queen no or disagrees with her. She's pretty stubborn, too. Jasmine has basically done both of those things because her relationship and her faith have shown her the truth about her own family. In a nutshell, Jasmine caving will mean everything stays the same in the kingdom. That won't help the plot any. And historically, people of this faith rarely recant. I probably should have mentioned that before. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bloodredcherries — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:28:35 -0600

@PastExploits: I really enjoyed reading your excerpt. I though that having it from Gabriel's point of view rather than his sister's was a nice twist! Why does she kill the owls? That's really interesting to me and I'd like to read more of your story to find out how she does what she does. I wasn't confused by any of it. Keep up the good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:30:38 -0600

In a previous scene, Jasmine reveals a secret relationship she's begun with a clergyman...who just happens to be a guy speaking against the Queen on a regular basis. Since Jasmine's mother is also the Queen, this information doesn't sit too well with her. Jasmine's been thrown in prison because she told her mother she'd embraced the faith this clergyman had, and that she agreed with his accusations against her. The Queen thinks Jasmine's been brainwashed into believing she's an enemy. She freaks out and sends her to the dungeons until she recants the faith she believes is dangerous. ...And Jasmine told the Queen off. She was long overdue for some sort of punishment. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bloodredcherries — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:33:24 -0600

Ah okay that makes sense! I can see why the Queen wouldn't be too thrilled with her daughter then! Oh that makes sense! What faith is it? I think it is good of Jasmine to stand her ground! lol you shouldn't tell your mother off even if she is the Queen! You're welcome! I'm interested to hear what people think of my excerpt as well!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ophelianime — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 23:03:15 -0600

Thank you so much for the compliment! I will definately let you read it when it's done! In fact, maybe we can message each other to help each other through the rough patches

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ophelianime — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 23:04:27 -0600

Thanks very much for the honest critique! I will definately keep that in mind for when I do editing and stuff

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 23:07:53 -0600

Huh? It's all the way up there! Here, let me quote it -- [quote=Starfishy] @PastExploits Oh man, I was on edge throughout this entire excerpt! You do an excellent job of really setting the scene and gripping the reader right away. Very intense, and utterly chilling -- I shivered a little bit at the mention of dozens of owls left in the sister's wake. I'd love to read more of this, it really spoke to me! One thing I think I would change, though, is to use a different word for trivia in this bit: "thinking of such trivia while his sister was missing." For me, the connotation of trivia has more to do with random facts and stats you'd find in books. I know the denotation of trivia isn't quite the same thing as that, but it's still something that struck me as odd when looking at that sentence. Perhaps just replace it with "such trivial matters" or something of the sort? [/quote] But I think I'm confused. D: This thread moves too fast for me.... And thank you so very much for your critique, I really appreciate it! Daniel is actually Broderick's boyfriend and the father of Zack's best friend, and Zack just walked in on them kissing. Daniel went home to his son and Broderick told Zack to meet him on the roof. As for the katanas, Broderick is trained in the martial arts, and he's been teaching Zack since he was young, and they're on the rooftop because they live in a small apartment building and that's the only place where there's space to fight! But I'm so glad that you like the reactions and the relationship and everything! Thank you. <3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kittypetro — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:50:07 -0600

Well yes... problem is that I am writing on a pretty old laptop and my shift key have stopped working, makes it hard to write exclamation points and quotations when they are above the numbers on my keyboard

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MissGagnon — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:02:56 -0600

I smell a CAT FIGHT. Haha but seriously, your excerpt really captured the catty nature of women quite eloquently. I enjoyed how much my head hurt reading them banter and bitch at each other. And usually I don't enjoy reading stuff that makes my head hurt, but yours was in that good, ooohdrama kind of way. I hope that makes sense. My only negative comment is that in at least one occasion, the dialogue was unclear. ie. “Max, I like Jessica! She lets me play dress up with her pretty clothes!” “Exactly, and I'm sure Ned and Alice will love to see you!” “I help Mrs. Wakefield clean! It's fun!” Maybe I'm just tired, but I have no idea who's speaking there. As I go down, there's a couple more places I'm sure you'll see where you could tie down those floating bits of dialogue by assigning a speaker to them. Once again, great job! =]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:24:19 -0600

On 'MissGagnon', which I have pointed out because it's possible someone will jackknife me before I'm done. Who is he talking to? Yeah you warn about the swearing but............... you just shoved it in there for the sake of it. It is an ineffective use of the f-bomb. You either gotta save it for boss battles or just let it fly around willy-nilly wrecking stuff up in the air like Manfred von Richthofen know what I'm saying? Well he seems to have mostly a consistent voice. This guy's implied hard-boiled stubble emphasizes his grittiness and loose-cannoniness. He doesn't even need normal food like weaker men. He survives off of his manliness and pulchritude alone. Twenty days without food or any stated access to water and he's still able to write legibly. You should probably give at least some sort of mystery and foreshadowing as to who this guy is. The soldier outfit is kind of uninspired. The left-handedness is interesting but probably not all that relevant. There's not really much to him at all besides his hard-boiled no-nonsense stubble-aided grittiness. I dunno, as amnesia stories go it could serve with a little bit of tweaking. It doesn't quite hit the right marks in my admittedly flawed opinion. But the writing is solid so keep at that aspect.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:30:59 -0600

@creatorx2 Your synopsis tells of a rather interesting story. And then your excerpt talks about a crow that coordinates a murder. I realize it makes sense in context, but paired with your synopsis, it makes no sense. Please either explain why we're following the crow instead of the teens locked in the game show, or pick a different excerpt that won't be as confusing to your readers. I kind of got lost when you started talking about if the crow had fists. You went on about that, then ended it by saying he doesn't have fists. Excerpt needs more clarity or at least more background info. Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:43:11 -0600

a "murder" is a group of crows. Read it again.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:43:38 -0600

or don't actually. yeah that was pretty non-sequitor. whoops.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:46:16 -0600

Nope, doesn't make any more sense. Move along, move along.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

JeromeSankara — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:52:53 -0600

@creatorx2 ...Well... The detail is definitely off. There is no detail in the fight itself, and simply saying that someone dies is... well... excuse me for saying this but, boring. Also it doesn't say anything about the book itself, it just gives a (very short) fight scene. Maybe think about expanding the scene to give some details about the plot? And maybe getting detail to the fight itself? Just a suggestion...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 08:21:49 -0600

@JeromeSankara Very interesting! I like it. It was really good up to the last few sentences and paragraph. That was a bit unclear and I didn't quite understand. Just clear that part up and it should be great! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bloodredcherries — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 10:15:34 -0600

lol there is going to be a lot of cat fights in the story! Thank you for saying that! I'm glad that my dialogue is causing drama-that's what it's intended to do! Your comment does make a lot of sense! Oh, that's because I forgot the piece of dialogue that should have started off the excerpt-Elizabeth finds her fiance is staying at her next door neighbor's house and disapproves of this. He's been put in charge of her neighbor's daughter-she's the one who likes to play dress up-it's identified in that earlier snippet, which I've just added to the excerpt! It wasn't because you were tired! Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bloodredcherries — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 10:29:21 -0600

@Ominous Rain I am having the hardest time trying to understand your excerpt. I think that you need to put manual breaks (hit enter and/or return) in between each paragraph to help the reader read it more clearly. Also I think that you need to add a bit more to your excerpt. I hope that helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

KhemicalKitty — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 11:21:25 -0600

@bloodredcherries your writing style's quite nice and i like the idea, and the use of the british slang makes it very believable! it just gets a bit confusing in parts, because rather than descriptions of what they're feeling or what's going on the dialogue tends to revolve too much around exclamations, but overall it was quite interesting! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 11:30:22 -0600

@KhemicalKitty: I really like the excerpt -- your narrator has a clear voice, and it's an intriguing situation. I want to know more about how he and Jenna are related, and would definitely read on. I'd like to see the dialogue broken into paragraphs, though -- as it is, it's a little hard to follow when the speaker changes.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 11:58:39 -0600

@Loki That's really interesting! The fact that you're using gender identity in such a way makes me want your book to be published that much more. The only thing is, in the synopsis you should explain where in the world they are. That's all!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Natalie46522 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:16:32 -0600

I enjoyed your excerpt, and I would certainly want to read more. My suggestion would be to avoid over explaining (eg limestone path...because I don't think you should ever give a detail that isn't absolutely necessary to the story) and avoid using words like chastise and minutiae simply because they don't seem to fit with the rest of your writing. You have a very natural voice - I liked it a lot, so take my comments with a large pinch of salt because I'm a real nitpicker.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:18:58 -0600

Past Exploits: It's a horror I can see. The details show a fair bit of graphicness but nothing too gory. You show that there's blood and feathers everywhere on the ground but don't go out to introduce the entrails, which is good. I like how you focus more on the emotional component, that the girl is extremely sad about what she has done and how her brother is concerned about her.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:21:58 -0600

Ponk! Natalie: I thought this was humorous. You're writing about a boy who clearly can't stay focused in class, but there's a definite classical edge to it. Not just the past about how the teacher is willing to throw old books (which one of my math teachers liked to throw chalk). But I like to read about the boy's awkward panic. So... why exactly is everyone farting?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:52:39 -0600

@Dennis Dunjiman Not gonna lie, I had very high expectations when I read your author bio. Funny stuff. Laugh out loud and get embarrassed in the school library kind of stuff. Anyway, the length of your excerpt was a little daunting at first, but because mine was also at one time, gigantic, I faced my fears and went for it. Plus, I was still really impressed by the author bio. You have no idea what that did for me. I'm writing out my thoughts as I read. You chose a great showcase in character for Vilada. She's thoroughly entertaining. The dynamic between Vilada and Lee is quite interesting- at first it seems like a harsh slave/master situation but the tea quickly changes my view- perhaps she's actually taking care of him? Is he like her apprentice? As I read more, it dawned on me that he was in fact not human... But their relationship is still a mystery and I'm fascinated by what seems to be going on. This might just be personal preference, but with fantasy excerpts, I feel like the world your characters inhabit should be explained a lot. Because fantasy is so broad and ANYTHING could be going down. The vibe I'm getting from this story is a very distant world, post apocalyptic earth or even a different planet because of the robots. You definitely need your length for the excerpt you've chosen. All in all, I think it's a good choice- just more about the world would be nice, if possible.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:01:19 -0600

@FoxStormMcCloud: Your opening sets the scene/tone very well for both characters -- Christophe's confusion, exasperation, and not-really-having-a-handle-on-this, and Parker's curiosity/activity. It feels like a conversation I could overhear, and I like the way you've defined Christophe's headspace, even as I wince at his greeting for Mordecai. Your switch from Christophe's point of view to Mordecai's was rather abrupt -- there doesn't seem to be any transition, we're just yanked from Christophe's head and deposited in his friends. But other than that, it reads well.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:24:36 -0600

@ Loki Mischief-Maker Goodness, where to start? 'I love it' seems to be a little overdone, but it's true. You have a great grasp of dialogue and pacing and description - never so much info at a time to constitute a 'dump' but just enough to keep luring your reader along. I'm intrigued by the relationship between Val and Jen (and Val's boy/girl? dilemma), and the idea of the bond between the Prince and Gard is something that appeals to me very much. I'm trying to think of something for constructive criticism, but I can't find anything to nitpick. Yours is easily the best excerpt I've read so far on this thread, and I would love to read the completed novel.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

KhemicalKitty — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:27:01 -0600

@lokimischief-maker i really, really liked your excerpt - it reminded me of a girly version of eragon! your writing style's very polished and clear, i like how everything's laid out. there's no guesswork regarding what's going on with the characters and their speech. i'd be interested to read more :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:51:39 -0600

Thank you very much!~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 14:15:59 -0600

It was supposed to be funny. There was a dramatic lead-up and an anti-climax.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:45:20 -0600

@KhemicalKitty I really like your excerpt. It's very real. Like you recorded someone's thoughts and then wrote them down. My only suggestion is separating the dialogue into separate paragraphs. It makes it easier to follow who's talking.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:35:45 -0600

Her faith is the Christian faith.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:36:26 -0600

*raises hand* I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SushiSushi — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:45:06 -0600

@tooterfish I really like the names of your characters, and the universe is interesting. My only suggestion would be to shorten your excerpt, and leave the reader really wanting to find out what happens. I personally would have the opening paragraphs up too "Kiss me or I'll shoot his head off" and leave it there, because that's definately an excellent hook! :3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 19:04:26 -0600

We didn't skip you! It's just taking a while to read your dissertation. ;) The overall writing was great! Prison scenes tend to bore me, but this one had a decent amount of action in it. I like the reason for choosing the name Josephine! Although, I'll always think of Napoleon whenever the name Josephine is mentioned. The critique I have is grammar-based. "By the third night, she knew the routine. She faced the man as he approached. She remained seated and spoke before he did. “My answer is still no.” He had walked away. " You change tenses from past to past perfect progressive. "He HAD walked away" is PPP. If one part is going to be PPP, it all has to be PPP. You'd have to change it to: "She HAD faced the man as he HAD approached. She HAD remained seated and HAD spoken before he HAD. 'My answer is still no." He had walked away."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

JadoreChanter — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:21:29 -0600

@tooterfish I loved loved loved your excerpt! I do not know if I was supposed to read yours or someone elses but I absaloutley loved yours it was quite intresting and I want to read you novel!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:24:41 -0600

*reads blurb* Okay. It made sense when I wrote it. But you're right -- that had doesn't belong there. Thanks for pointing that out. :) Napoleon? Josephine? *drawing a blank on that part of history* Alas, I've already reviewed you, or I would return the favor at once.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

JadoreChanter — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:33:01 -0600

So who's do I do and who does mine? *confusion*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:39:40 -0600

Jad yours was good. Liked it. Loved the police brutally part. A few things. See how many sentences you can avoid starting with and. Secondly, the knock on the door was sudden: try additional drama to draw readers in and boost your word count. Overall it was a great scene I would love to know more. My expert is in my profile.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:43:50 -0600

Yours is amazing! Seriously I want to know more! You can't stop there as I must know more. I loved the obvious tension. I would love to know more about Trevor but I assume you have that elsewhere. Great work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vaeru — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:01:07 -0600

*waves* I was skipped, too. But don't forget writeandknow.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:26:47 -0600

Personal : (these are just suggestions, feel free to ignore them) “Steven took a deep breath and pretended to be intently interested in staring down at one of his shoes as the man approached him” While I like this sentence I think it would work better as: “Steven took a deep breath and pretended to be intently interested in one of his shoes as the man approached him.” If someone is very interested in one of their shoes I think it is safe to say they are looking down, so stating so is a little redundant. “-the two who were back stuck at their former location for the time being.” I would switch “back” and “stuck” “He sunk into the corner, not sitting on the chair; for which he was not allowed.” This was worded in a way that doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe try: “He sunk into the corner instead of the chair, as sitting in it would not have been tolerated.” “Why, oh why, couldn't anything in his life JUST GO EASY ON HIM? He just wanted it to be easy for one day.” The capitalizing is something most people only see in dialogue, but to each their own. “- Lately he doesn't seem to want to listen to anything I say, and I'm afraid his [rebellious antics might invoke something in the other slaves]."” Edit: Change “9-1-1” to “911” or vice versa. Consistency is key. “"We shouldn't do this here," the second man said[,]” Comma after said. “Pete's grip on Steven's arm tightened[,]” Another comma after tightened. “The second man exhaled forcefully[,]” Another missing comma. Whenever you have a sentence interrupting or leading into dialogue, there should be a comma, not a period. Lately[,] he doesn't seem to want to listen to anything I say, and I'm afraid his rebellion spree will do something to the other slaves." Overall: You have an enjoyable excerpt here. Well maybe enjoyable isn’t the right word, but you definitely made me feel bad for Steven and I want to know how he’s going to get out of the mess he’s in. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:29:00 -0600

That's @writeandknow btw :o

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:37:42 -0600

@Trisha "In the days it seemed incredibly fashionable to send your toddling princess to live alone in a guarded tower, or some such equivalent, his Majesty King Leon II and his Queen, being fashionable royals themselves, bought into the stories." I honestly have no idea what this means. "princesses" should be princess's. As for the excerpt, it's definitely intriguing. I'd read on to find out where he was going, and why such a cowardly man would travel into danger.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:51:34 -0600

I agree on the synopsis wholeheartedly, I rewrote it at work more to my liking, but forgot to put it on my thumb drive before I left. Thanks for the input.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:52:42 -0600

@Trisha Myers Yeah for princess stories! *high five* I loved the excerpt, seeing the "brave" knight for who he really is. Judging from this scene alone, it sounds like he finds the princess more by accident than on purpose. If he's frightened of actual danger, why did he go off on this quest? Only nitpicky point: remove the number one at the beginning of your excerpt. It's not needed. @Vaeru In your synopsis: "new-found" doesn't need a dash. Maybe reword to "newly discovered"? Who are the Haights? You mention them once and don't explain who they are... Cool excerpt. Since the brother started off the scene calling the servant a rat, I thought there was an actual rat in the room. And then when he called the other character "Sister Dearest," I thought he was talking to Jaime. Which confused me because your excerpt said he was a boy. I got it, but it took me a minute. Nitpicky things: Italicizing the character's thoughts make them easier to distinguish while reading through the piece. and (no spaces) to start and end italics. I totally wasn't expecting that the lady was a cripple. And while I liked the part about the servant helping her move, I was confused as to why that would be frowned upon in another house. Those in upper society who couldn't walk relied on their servants like that, right? Maybe I missed something obvious. *shrugs* Check the last few lines of your synopsis. You put "an" instead of "and." Great job! Thanks for giving me insight into how a servant thinks. I'll be filing that away for later use in my own book. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:06:24 -0600

Edit: “-and he immediately ducked his head - never look a noble in the eyes - and hunched his shoulders.” No capitalization and no period. Also, the hyphenated phrase is worded more like a thought. I’m not too familiar with rules on hyphens, but I don’t think they block off thoughts. “He’s a rare breed[, ]you said it yourself.” No hyphen, a comma works just fine. “Lovely eyes,” said the noble[,] “Such a pretty shade of mud.” Comma needed. Watch your comma placement. I see a few more, but I’m too lazy to point them out. Nothing a quick read over won’t fix. Personal: “-tall and elegant and prickling along Jaime’s skin like dark lightning.” What exactly is prickling across his skin? “Jaime scurried forward and dropped into obeisance at the noble’s feet.” I like the word choice “scurried” here. He’s obediently playing into the role of Rat. I see you like-a the hyphens. It’s not a bad thing but not all adjectives need them, like “fine boned” I think works fine without the hyphen. Overall: I'm a bit confused on the whole brother and sister dearest... thing. I'm guessing it's deeply engraved manners. Still it's a bit odd. I like the way you handle your words, you have some really lovely phrases in this. Your characters seem very well rounded. I have a soft spot for villains, Najar being no exception. A great scene. Also, to whomever will post next, skip me~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:10:52 -0600

Thanks for the review, and yes, yay for princesses :) As for Orin, he's just a little too stubborn for his own good. Yes, a coward, but, for him, the meaning of brave is doing something you are afraid to do. He feels he has a lot to prove and to make up for, and thinks finding the princess will fix all of his problems rather than complicate them further. Any who, I'll shut up now, thanks again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:11:41 -0600

Waves :D I've been skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:13:00 -0600

PastExploits and streamergurl are up next.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:20:14 -0600

No problem ^_^ Sure, why not? I love going back and forth with fellow writers.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:27:36 -0600

Josephine de Beauharnais was Napoleon's first wife, and I learned about her from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. :3 I try to stick a new excerpt in there when I write one I find either a) awesome, or b) sucktastic. I've been completely swamped with exo-NaNo stuff for the past couple of days, though, so I haven't been able to write a thing. :((

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:35:05 -0600

I very much like the term 'exo-Nano.'

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:43:03 -0600

@ PastExploits Wow, good vivid verbs. I was able to picture the scene strikingly well. Minus the fact I get horribly nauseous/scared at the thought/sight of hearts being ripped out (idk anything with hearts just is a bit much for more), I still enjoyed the scene. It really made me think "what in the world is going on?!" and want to read more. Just one thing, what is this word: minutiae (in the sentence: The stones were rough on the bottom of his feet, and he chastised himself for thinking of such minutiae while his sister was missing)? Was this a misspelling or a foreign word I just don't know! Again, great job! The next person, critique streamergurl's. I would have critiqued it but it looks really long and I need to head for bed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:43:59 -0600

[quote=Raye of Nyght](idk anything with hearts just is a bit much for more [/quote] supposed to be "for me" not "for more" XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:46:19 -0600

@Vaeru (because you got skipped!) I read this awhile ago and I can't remember if I critiqued it or not. I do remember that I really liked the play between the characters, and I definitely got a solid mental image of your world. I'm definitely interested to read more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:49:54 -0600

OMG in the time it took me to post, Vaeru got critiqued. Must. Type. Faster.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

PastExploits — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:54:19 -0600

Minutiae means like, a small trivial detail. I think I'll just go ahead and change that to 'trivial matters.' I didn't mean to make you nauseous! (Or maybe I did... :D)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:01:26 -0600

*waves to next poster* I was skipped, but Tooterfish needs a critique, too.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:12:42 -0600

@streamergurl I gotcha! "Thick stone walls formed three sides of the little room. A metal grate served as the door." But what about the fourth wall? I know you're meaning for the metal grate to be the fourth wall (and maybe the entire wall IS the door) but it's not clear that's the case. I was so sure that the hunk of unidentifiable food was going to have a key in it or something. I was also sure that the bucket of water was actually going to be intended for toileting, but I guess that's just my warped mind. However, on that note, where DOES she go potty? "She picked up the bread, but found it hard to the touch. This resembles a rock more than bread. " Resembles ought to be resembled. Probably just a typo and not a purposeful tense error. Don't know how I didn't catch that stuff before! Maybe reading NaNo excerpts on my iPhone while sitting in class isn't such a great idea.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:28:15 -0600

The tense changed because it was her thoughts. Did I forget to italicize that one? Umm... I wasn't sure about the potty thing, so I skipped it. She needed water, and the litle space where she got her food clearly wasn't large enough to hold a bucket of water. Yeah, the fourth wall should be the door. Thanks for the catches! I'll go back and look at that soon.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:32:17 -0600

Yeah it's not in italics. Makes sense now! :) I think about weird things. The little details get me. Like this excerpt. I read the entire thing and can only wonder where she went to the bathroom while she was locked up.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:46:59 -0600

@Tooterfish: Fun action sequence here! And Cen's crack at the end ties it up nicely. I think when you get to editing, you'll be able to streamline this a bit. E.g., we don't necessarily need every detail of Robit's movements in the first line: Robit lowered the bay door and vanished up the steps (or something like that), and then on to the next thing. I'd also like to see more urgency and immediacy in the action sequences -- shorter sentences, choppy thoughts, less filtering. (It's clear as is, but a bit distant.) Re "the man" -- I take it he's the POV character here? I think at minimum he'd have some kind of nickname for himself, even if no one else uses it. E.g., I could see a character with the right sense of humor thinking of himself as Nobody, or maybe just picking a name out of thin air. Depends on his personality.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:52:11 -0600

I tried to give him a nickname for himself, but it seemed weird. I worried that it would be weird for the reader to "get to know him" as one name, and then have me turn around and switch it up. Am I overthinking that?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lummox JR — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:11:12 -0600

@AnnieColleen: I was hoping to offer some meaningful critique but I have to admit all I have for that excerpt is praise. The loyalties and personalities of even the minor characters in that scene really come through beautifully. To tell you the truth I found the dialogue a much better guide to the plot than the synopsis itself, because I was able to figure out that 1) Mazon is a dangerous tool, and Kim intends to see to it he fails at whatever he's trying to do without using a nuclear option, 2) the locals really, really hate the corporates, and 3) whatever comes of this, we can expect the tensions involved to only escalate when things go south. The mention of damage to property opens a nice little window into the thug's mind: it isn't his property, but he works for the company and obviously wants the mission to avoid the sorts of losses his middle managers would tsk at. And yet, both he and they obviously don't care about inflicting any outside casualties. It's a great bit of character sketch. I also loved the quick description of the two siblings: "Proper dust mice, both of them." What a terrific way to sum up the attitude of their community, and it only further reinforces the image that their motives are much the same as any other civilians'. Between them and Ma Beyn, I got a good glimpse at just how tight-knit the community really is. I guess I have one criticism, which is that I wouldn't mind some longer paragraphs sprinkled in there. Personal taste. I know that doesn't always work well with a dialogue segment. In my own novel (I have no word count yet because I haven't uploaded anything yet), I'm finding the heavy dialogue is just too much so I've been taking every chance I can to beef up the descriptive sections, or let my MC withdraw into thought long enough for the reader to catch their breath. I'd probably combine some of the separate paragraphs that could go together, like "Footsteps..." "Bully Mazon..." would go just fine in the same paragraph. Beyond that I'm not sure what could be added to the scene and maybe it needs nothing in that regard.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:17:23 -0600

I think you may be overthinking, yeah. If you highlight it a bit -- say, show a bit of him thinking about his name, drawing a blank, deciding what to fill in the blank -- and then maybe a little discussion later, maybe comparing the new name to the old name? -- it should be clear. Or, really, just seeing the scene where he picks up the new name would make it clear. It just seems less believable to me that someone would go for that long a period of time without calling himself something, even if just in his own thoughts.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:25:58 -0600

@Lummox JR I must begin by saying that I find your premise to be absolutely fascinating! And I really loved this excerpt too, it intrigued me. I laughed out loud at the "I banged my head against the table. Partly I was irritated at the gobbledygook and felt like I was getting suckered into a UFO watchers' club." Because it's such a relatable sentiment! I also enjoyed the comparison to the UFO watchers' club as well as the simile "like I was offering her polio." It adds a bit of a unique flavor to the narrative, which was quite refreshing! Your narrator has a very strong voice as well! One thing that confused me, though... Perhaps it's just because it's 3 A.M. or because I don't have the full context of the story, but I'm having a hard time understanding the desire to make a wisecrack about the Tuscan amulets. Unless that just goes along with the territory of joking about Lexi's line of work? I also didn't fully understand the comment, "One woman at a time. How hard is that?" But of course that's probably just because I don't know the full extent of the relationships between the characters, and I'm sure that it makes much sense in the full context of the story! Other than that, it's hard to find things to nitpick at, though! One sentence that niggled at me was this bit: "Why me?" he said. He didn't like the look I gave him for that. For some reason, it kind of threw me for a loop. I think that showing how Matt knew that Mike didn't like the look he gave him would be more effective than simply saying that Mike didn't like it. (Bonus: more description means more words! Wooo!) Did he scowl at Matt in return, or raise his hands defensively at the look on Matt's face, or let out a huff of displeasure before giving in and grousing, "Okay, okay!"? I read what you said in your post about trying to beef up the descriptive sections during long periods of dialogue, and I definitely think that that's a great idea to keep in mind while writing! It gives more insight into the characters and their personalities and can really detail the mental image of the scene in the reader's mind's eye! But all in all, excellent job, and happy writing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Rambling Rozie — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:22:18 -0600

I'm not sure who to critique - went back 3 pages, so whoever I owe a critique too, please shout out. This is an excerpt from a diary written by a human who lives in a world where demi gods reside. The demi gods are known as Heptaeiis (plural Hep tie eess) Pet'aangh are humans who live and work as part of a Heptaeis (singular Hep tice) household. # It is 76 years and one day since ChysRael arrived at Cynthia's Head. I am 91 years old and have outlived my youth, if not my usefulness. I saw ChysRael die. I watched as KesAllan and JanRhys watched her die. Guards restrained me from diving into the sea after her. It was in the Southern Sea, off the Crystal Shore. Great cliffs loomed above us. White as if composed of ice, though they were not. Ferocious seas smashed thunderously against the jagged rocks as the winter storms howled around them. Vast ice floes crashed and parted, crashed and broke, helpless hostages to the mountainous seas. The small three masted schooner should have been in trouble, but it was not. The Halycinde lay at anchor, untroubled by the seething peaks and troughs that should have threatened to overwhelm her. An egg placed in the centre of her deck would have lain undisturbed by the maelstrom. This was not a marvel to us, merely a matter of Will. “It is done. She has returned to the source." JanRhys spoke softly without inflection I had watched her body strike the crystal shore. I had seen shards pierce her and the blood flow from a thousand cuts. I saw the waves that had thrown her onto the strand, reclaim her and then toss her back onto the glittering blades. I heard her screams as she was torn to shreds and I echoed them. Screaming her name, damning the Heptaeiis as they stood, ice cold in their damned perfection, watching. Five times the waves threw her on to the land only to drag her back. The sea toyed with her like a cat flipping a mouse into the air, slashing it quickly and dropping it, only to toss it up again. The sixth time the waves did not release her. She was still screaming as they dragged her down. Anyone of them, ChysRael included, could have stopped this obscenity. A thought and ChysRael would have been back on the ship. Or, if she had to die, why such pain? I have seen Heptaeiis staunch the blood of a man who nearly severed his leg with an axe; seen Heptaeiis remove the pain from a woman set alight by burning oil in her kitchen. I have even seen Heptaeiis restore life to a drowned child. Yet they stood there motionless, watching whilst daughter and lover perished in a welter of blood and pain. They did not even claim her body, but left her there at the bottom of the sea. Food for the fish and other denizens of the deep. Sometimes, even now despite all that followed, I wake up sweating. I see her lying on the seabed. Her beautiful red hair swaying in the currents. Her eyes are blackened hollows, the contents long since eaten by crabs or shrimps. I see her lying there, white bones showing. Eels twist and turn through her rib cage leisurely tearing at the remnants of flesh. Shoals of tiny red spratlings dart in and out, in and out. A pulsating mass looking for all the world like blood pumping to the beat of her non-existent heart. She turns her head and looks at me. She raises her hands in supplication. She is still screaming. After she disappeared for the last time KesAllan ordered the guards to take me to his cabin and tend to me. Then I looked at him. My liege lord, my friend, my idol. I looked at his eyes; those clear winter morn eyes and I saw nothingness. And I damned him to Darkness and spat my curse in his face. He stood there, globules of phlegm marring his perfect cheek like slugs on roses. Much later I learnt from the crew that during this time KesAllan visited me often and sat holding my hand or stroking my brow for hours at a time. They say that I was troubled by fever and often delirious. They say that only KesAllan's touch could soothe me. I was the only one of the Pet'aangh who remembered these events. As far as the rest were concerned ChysRael disappeared, as was the wont of the Heptaeiis, whilst we were out sailing one day. The same day that I was struck down by a brain fever caused by sunstroke. Sunstroke in the southern winter seas! Truly we are blind.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:49:01 -0600

I do believe that's me, dear! The person right above you. :D You can find my excerpt by clicking on my icon. (And to whoever posts after me -- please critique Rambling Rozie! I'm just commenting real quick before being off to bed!)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:59:22 -0600

Thanks loads! :) Sorry zonked out last night and didn't respond...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Rambling Rozie — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:26:46 -0600

[quote=Starfishy] I do believe that's me, dear! The person right above you. :D You can find my excerpt by clicking on my icon. (And to whoever posts after me -- please critique Rambling Rozie! I'm just commenting real quick before being off to bed!) [/quote] ahhhhhhhhh..... so that's how it is done :P Now adjusting excerpt on novel page to match the one shown above, and going through your excerpt now, Starfishy!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sovay — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:05:05 -0600

@ Rambling Rozie I think your excerpt works really well! (: The inner turmoil of the narrator is nicely laid out and the "rules," as it were, of your fantasy world are well-established. Lastly, I love the irony in the last sentence - sunstroke in the sea! It has a nice cadence and leaves a picture with the reader. However, if this is the beginning of your novel, it gives an awful lot away really fast. Withhold some things from the reader - keep us guessing. I don't need to know all the character's backstory RIGHT now - dole it out to us in sections!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

KhemicalKitty — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:09:44 -0600

@sovay i reeeally liked your excerpt :) it sounds interesting, makes me want to read the full thing! i love the little details about the characters. the only thing would be that the some of the sentences are really long, so maybe think about shortening one or two :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Rambling Rozie — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:10:46 -0600

@ Starfishy Great title: resonates on several levels Regarding synopsis: I'd read this blurb and think "not my cup of tea" apart from one thing... red eyes?? That would hook me and I would be expecting something more than a gritty rites of passage novel about coming to terms with sexuality and single parenthood. Excerpt: It has vitality and real tension. I believed the dialogue and the way it played out but do have a few comments: There are some points that leapt out at me - and so deflected me from the scene. a) If Bro didn't think Zack would judge him so how come it has been an elaborate secret for so long? This seem contradictory given the later speech by Brod. b) Both brothers speak harshly and with real feeling, but whilst I felt Zack's pain and confusion I found Brod's exposition almost... dry and clinical. I've read back over it and I can see actions in there - raising his voice, becoming sarcastic, but I don't feel for Brod as I did for Zack. Maybe that is deliberate but I think I ought to be appreciating Brod's pain equally. c) I didn't understand this sentence; " His final words dripped with sarcasm, a mockery of the genuine sentiment that Daniel always reminded his son of." Mentioning Daniel here seemed random - I'm assuming that earlier in the novel one of the things of note is Daniel's always speaking of being proud of his son, but I can't be sure. d) I'm in two minds about the use of expressions like: "an insatiable craving for the taste of smoked Vienna sausage before—” ; "a perpetual hankering for throbbing beef bayonet"; "fucking fudge packer" To be frank I found them funny and out of place - I wondered why he used these euphemisms when he was speaking so directly and from the gut, it almost seemed prissy. Maybe one would be OK but three so close together seemed like overkill, or maybe pastiche. Maybe I ought to qualify this by outing myself - I'm female, but most of my adult life has been as part of a wider pan sexual community. Quite often humorous/offensive euphemisms are used between us as a sort of irony or "reclaiming" exercise but when it counts, on an emotional level, they tend to be discarded as window dressing. I should add that I am no teenager so my take could just be old fashioned here. e) I'm not entirely convinced by the way Brod ends with: “And you know what? I hope you appreciate the fact that I haven’t been in a single fucking relationship for almost fourteen years because of you. So, yeah, thanks for being happy for me. Real cool of you, man. I am so proud of you.” Again there seems to be some randomness about throwing that in there - I'm assuming Zack just walked in on Brod and Daniel before this scene which might be the explanation, but I'd have expected some plea for understanding given what was said before, on the lines of "I didn't fall for Daniel on purpose - this isn't about you and your best friend - shit happens - or the like before anger struck (as a result of not getting through to Zack perhaps). f) Love the way the scene ends. Killer closure. Hope some of this is of use, as always - take what works and throw out the rest :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 08:21:52 -0600

You think like my dad. He points out weird stuff like that, too. I'm of the opinion you don't have to tell EVERYTHING. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:17:53 -0600

@ khemicalkitty: Yours is good. I liked it. I think that I would personally use "these" instead of 'these' when referring to spoken words, but otherwise it was enjoyable. I did want to see more description - the show, don't tell. My favorite line of the script? ‘You being serious, Sammy? ‘Cause if you’re (word) with me-’ Very nice :) Would like to see more of course, but then again... it's your choice how much you'd like to put up for show :p

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lummox JR — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:18:10 -0600

Thanks for the feedback. Some of the stuff you mentioned is indeed contextual. The amulet thing is part of the ongoing jokes, because she's been telling them more and more outlandish stuff with a straight face. Probably no one outside her subcommunity of enthusiasts, or anyone who has visited her website, has ever heard of any such amulets or the Eye of Sorrows, but she mentions them casually in conversation. The "one woman at a time" comment is because of the reason Mike and Angie recently broke up, which Matt only recently learned from her. (Context sort of follows this book so much it was hard to pick out an excerpt at all.) Critique noted about the look. I really should put more into how Matt infers what Mike is thinking, rather than stating directly that he knows it. I could just say "He didn't seem to like..." but that seems too easy.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:25:14 -0600

Ah got it. I know that word, just have never seen it spelled before. XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:50:07 -0600

Any takers, mwahha? :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:12:32 -0600

@writeandknow Nice excerpt! Creepy but totally realistic plot. Since you had two characters not mentioned in the excerpt, for some reason I had a hard time placing them at first. I didn't know who they were, only that they were talking to Steven. But that might just be me. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:13:35 -0600

@writeandknow: I'm sure I've said this about previous excerpts, but I really like your dialogue and the way it flows. The interaction between the boys is great -- there's enough tension in the teasing, and you slot the back story in easily. There are a couple of awkward phrases in there, but hey, it's November, and that can be fixed in editing. You've got some really strong characters here, and I may be keeping an eye out for your next excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:16:11 -0600

@ writeandknow I was good. I just was a bit confused about why burning the hotel suddenly came up at the end until I read your synopsis. It sounds like it will be a very interesting book. I liked how Erik seemed to just be caught in between in this fight. Well written dialog, very believable. Good job =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:37:07 -0600

@writeandknow As with the other critiques, I, too, think it's got some killer dialogue. However... "Steven grinned back at him like a Cashmere cat, his smile reaching his eyes." Cashmere cat? Cashmere comes from goats. I think you probably are referring to the cat from Alice in Wonderland, who had the creepy grin. He was the Cheshire Cat.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:02:28 -0600

I saw your plot the other day. It is just as good now as it was then. My only complaint? I must know more, more, more, more! I really want to read your story, too. Thanks for the tidbit about the characters -- it's a section of the scene of the chapter, and I think that's why their interaction was confusing. Their roles are well-defined (I hope) throughout the book.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:09:45 -0600

I like the information you give in your expert. My only confusion was with this line: "Mind magic isn't one of her specialties, so it isn't as though she'd know the answer half-asleep." - I am sure you have explained this earlier in the book, but just a tad confused on how mind magic can be a specialty :) Thanks for your comments! I loved your expert.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

skinnybee — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:27:56 -0600

I'm guessing it's Loki next? And then Raye and then me? Argh this thread gets confusing. Anyway @Loki Mischief-Maker: I really got sucked into that dialogue. It's impressively done. Yes, believable as speech (just about, but I'm pretty strict on that anyway), but it throws everything forward nicely just as good narration would have done. With it being fantastical, I'm not sure whether or not Gard is what you mean. Gard or Guard? I'm loving where it ends up, too. The trans* issue is deftly held & really adds something human and solid. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SushiSushi — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:47:20 -0600

@skinnybee I really liked this extract :3 Just the right length to draw my interest and leave me hanging on, still curious. It's tough to write the present tense well, but I thought you put together a well flowing piece of prose there, and it didn't feel awkward or clunky as that tense can sometimes feel. I particularly like the ending sentiment, both the idea of the character not wanting their dream to be compared to something shallow, but also the sprecifics of the blue butterfly- as opposed to anything else. Very pretty!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floraleee — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:55:18 -0600

Sushisushi- For some reason, your story reminds me of Alice in Wonderland! I have no idea why, but I approached your story with that kind of idea. I enjoyed reading it, but I think you need to reveal a bit more of your plot in the synopsis. I was a tad confused reading about her describing a room, and not drawing parallels to the synopsis. But other than that, very good writing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 14:32:35 -0600

Me, Raye of Night, and Tooterfish have all been skipped because we ended up critiquing the same person at the same time.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:04:45 -0600

Here's an excerpt of mine: The moment Renée started dragging her feet behind Corinne, Vincent slipped a small vial into her hand. “It’s a vial of homemade sulfuric acid,” he said lightly in her ear. Renée stared at him briefly, and then turned toward her sister. She thought - Why bother trying to leave. It’s impossible; his house is outside the camp. But instead of speaking her hopeless thoughts, she yelled at her sister in all the madness. “How do you expect us to get out of the camp?” Renée impatiently asked as she was pulled into a semi-run. “Once we get to the fence, we slow down, and we just have to find an opening.” Corinne said, the confidence betraying the sinking feelings in her heart. Neither of the sisters wore shoes, and the constant shock against their feet felt like a punishment for abandoning their parents. What are we supposed to do with this vial anyway? Renée thought bitterly. Their camp wasn’t very large in area, but it was very crowded. It did not help that there were many others running toward the fences, also hoping to escape. Meanwhile, others were uncontrollably trying to find a hiding spot. It was well known that any ghetto that had tried resistance, the SS had left zero survivors. Neither sister was sure what had happened in other camps though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:14:27 -0600

I went back a few pages, but am not sure which passage should be critiqued by me - let me know? :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:16:00 -0600

People don't post their excerpts in the actual thread. If you click on someone's picture, you go to their profile. The excerpt is posted there. :) I think streamergurl is next in line.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:17:28 -0600

Ah, yes, that's a bit convoluted. Usually you would do the last person who commented. Go ahead and do floralee. I'll do the three who got skipped. Also, you don't need to post your excerpt here. People will click on your profile and go see your novel info there. :-) (I'll do streamergurl, Raye of Light, and Tooterfish. Whoever is next please do Chinikins and skip me).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:18:26 -0600

*Edit: Ah yes, I think I've done streamergurl already, so you do her. I'll do floralee so no one gets skipped (this time). =P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floraleee — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:23:11 -0600

@streamergurl That. was. incredible. I LOVED your story! I loved it! I really did! It is so refreshing to see a christian perspective on a story for once. I was drawn in, I was interested in the entire excerpt, (even though it was so long! I didn't care!) and I loved the way you portrayed your character. I hope that the guard and Jasmine have some sort of relationship later in the book together. Not necessarily a romantic one, but I hope you incorporate him more later in your story. He reminded me of Hagai from the book of Esther. Anyway, I'm adding you as a writing buddy. I like you :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floraleee — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:24:53 -0600

I've got steamergurl covered :) Sorry! I posted it before I saw this!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:26:35 -0600

No wonder I was confused, I was looking for postings of excerpts!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:43:37 -0600

@floraleee I liked the use of "clip clop" :) I definitely liked the lead up to the last paragraph, which totally wanted made me want to read further! You capture a sense of running away from authority that doesn't read as cliche, which I think is cool. And, I love that she takes off her shoes. I really really love that. few minor things: I would change "had suddenly glanced" to just "suddenly glanced". I have the same issue when I write in past tense to needlessly add 'had' before verbs, when it really isn't past-past tense and just reads as wordy. Like, it's a serious problem for me so I notice it in other places. "In total disparity" - you probably meant some noun verb of despair (disparity means an inequality or gap...at least, that's what I first think of). I had to Google 'protettori' - still wasn't sure what connotations the name had, but you probably explain it somewhere else in the novel? I also had to Google 'Palomino'... you can go ahead and consider me ignorant, but after it, I was like, "oh, that makes sense. A horse."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

farfromperfect47 — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:59:00 -0600

@chinikins You've got a good start! Your excerpt definitely interests readers (including me). However, one thing I noticed is that you tend to use verbs directly, like "she glared at him". This is okay, every now and then, but after a while it begins to effect the flow. Try changing something like "she glared at him" to "her eyes burned as they slowly swept over him, conveying (insert emotion or unsaid message here)". That's just my opinion, though- other than that, you did an excellent job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:03:16 -0600

Thank you for pointing that out! I can definitely see how going back and changing that would help my flow. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

floraleee — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:05:00 -0600

Protettori is Italian for "Protectors". So they are like, the protectors of the Kingdom of Florence. (I have no idea why I keep adding Italian references.) Thanks for the critique, I haven't been too picky with grammar, since that's when Marla, my little thirty-eight year old inner editor wouldn't let me write anything else except corrections. I'll take your advice and write it down for future reference :) Thanks again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:06:27 -0600

Ahh I see Tooterfish has still been skipped so I'll do hers and Chinikins I was revising yours but when I refreshed the page I saw others had as well. But I still want to critique yours. @Tooterfish I love your excerpt! My favorite line by far was “He’s unconscious. He won’t feel a thing.”. I saw no grammatical errors (though I could be wrong). The setting was clear and the dialog well written. (side note: I really like your synopsis as well) @Chinikins I did enjoy your excerpt! It was a bit complex, but very done. Just a few grammatical things to point out. When her body settled, Renee moved out of Vincent’s arms, and reached for the paintbrush.--Here there is an unneeded comma between arms and "and". I asked to let me know--Revise. I suggest "I asked it to let me know" or "I asked it to tell me the" They were going down the elevator now, and Vincent was speechless at her words.---One again an unneeded comma. The only time you need a comma is if there are three or more things. “ How dare you make excuses?”--I don't know...the question mark just doesn't seem fitting here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:08:12 -0600

excuse me *very well done not very done XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:09:48 -0600

and I replied to the wrong person, I apologize. My computer does not like me right now.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chinikins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:10:15 -0600

haha, I figured, there's no way it's very done, lol Thanks for correcting those things for me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:34:11 -0600

@Farfromperfect47 The first thing I have to say is that you have a beautiful writing style! It's very rich and vivid, and you can just feel the emotion! You had me hooked throughout the entire excerpt, and I have such a burning desire to read more of your writing! I love the way you depicted Aphrodite's descent into madness (and I find myself wondering what exactly happened to her, and what she means by what she said about Aphrodite living in her head...) and your description is simply lovely. I can really envision the scene so perfectly. I'm actually having a hard time thinking of things to nitpick at! One sentence that I thought seemed a little awkward, however, was this one: "Best friends, maybe even." The juxtaposition between maybe and even seems off, somehow. I'd try rephrasing it as "We were friends. Perhaps even best friends." Or simply dropping off either the maybe or the even at the end of your original sentence. All in all, wonderful job, and I really look forward to seeing more of your writing! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:51:09 -0600

@sorry! I meant to do the three of you, but I got called away at work. Looks like you've been reviewed since then. Next time!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:53:57 -0600

@Starfishy I liked your excerpt. I must say that personally I am not much for swearing, but it is very real in life and portrayed a very realistic scene. I have so much trouble writing believable dialog, so I applaud you. Like you with the person you critiqued, I have nothing really to nitpick about. And when you weren't in dialog you used vivid words to paint the scene, good job. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:04:45 -0600

@Starfishy I loved it! The tension between the two characters is really visible. Just a suggestion, a couple of times, you mention Zack's physical expression to his anger, like being red in the face, clenching his fists, and shaking. I think there's so much anger and fury in his words that you can drop one or two of those, otherwise it is a tiny bit too overblown. Also, I kind of get the feeling that Zack's reaction is a bit more suited to a 16 year old than a 13 year old. That is, his anger seems more like an adult sort of anger than a more childish reaction, but that's a relatively small nitpick, and it really depends on the character. Also, at once place you mention their red eyes. I'm guessing that by this time we know what color their eyes are. I'd suggest taking out that reference, if it has nothing to do with the content at hand. Otherwise, that scene is intense! Your dialogue flows nicely, and their emotions come through very well. Also, because I'm curious, what do the red eyes have to do with the story? Aaah, ninja'd. Well, it's all written out, so I'll post it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Agent Double Oh Zero — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:05:11 -0600

Skip me.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:12:12 -0600

I've posted a new excerpt, just so you know. But thanks for making sure everyone that got skipped eventually got reviewed!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:13:36 -0600

So glad you liked it! Thanks! And yeah, that guard is getting a bigger place in the story than I first thought. He's awesome!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:18:58 -0600

@Raye of Nyght You might want to tweak your dialogue in some places, because both the lion and the girl have the same voice, and it doesn't fully convince me. I noticed you said above that you have trouble with dialogue. Several tricks are to vary sentence structure, and word choice. Does one character tend to use longer, more flowery sentences, describing things? Does another tend to use terse, short sentences? Does one use more slang, whereas another talks like a dictionary? How old is each person? These are just some factors. :-D Oh, and for anger, you don't need to put it in capitals. Start a new paragraph for each new line of dialogue/thought. Also, I am confused about what that whole thing with 'capital s' and 'capital d' is. You also might want to add spaces between each paragraph, because the nano site just lumps it all together into a wall of text that is hard to read. Other than that, I am intrigued. Your story seems like a lighthearted and fun adventure, with random funny bits (which is good :-D). I laughed at the bit with the cookie. Nice! I would like to find out what is going on with her eyes, though.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Raye of Nyght — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:26:50 -0600

Ah thanks, and yes I have trouble with dialog... >_< Thanks for the pointers. Also the capitalizing, it was another added humor that trailed into this scene from her dream. My MC Myseri said "dimensions" but there is a difference between dimensions and Dimensions (at least in my novel) so the lion would correct her. And yea, I'm sorry about the wall of text...I just haven't taken the time to fix that. Also, my novel actually isn't incredibly light-hearted. I honestly think it was heading in a dark direction so I put this in to lighten it up. Thanks again =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:30:23 -0600

@Bobo, I love your excerpt and the concept of your Novel. It's vaguely Looking Glass-reminiscent, but in a more modern, less confusing sort of way. The excerpt made me giggle, and I'd love to read more! The only thing I noticed wrong was a few typos. . .that's about it! I can't wait to see more :) You managed to engage me quickly and make me giggle, and then you kept my attention without being Oh Noes, Big Evil Stuff Stat, and then when you do run into The Big Evil Stuff, you do it in a very interesting way. Huzzah!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadaRocher — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:48:56 -0600

Oh, my goodness! That was wonderful! I loved your style of writing, and how you described your characters and their actions so beautifully. The way you assembled your exercpts were a bit confusing at first, but it was still a delightful experience to read. I would definitely buy your novel if it gets published!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:10:11 -0600

@LadaRocher Your synopsis was a little hard to follow with all those names. But I got the gist of it. I liked your excerpt, but I hoped for a longer piece to get a better feel of the story. I do like what I see, though. You have "indebt" written instead of "indebted." Don't you hate those words that you KNOW you should have typed, but didn't?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:15:37 -0600

Love your synopsis! Your character has a soft spot for pretty faces, but I have a soft spot for cyborgs. ^_^ The writing was good overall. The only error I found was "he would be indebt to me," it ought to be indebted.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

eehornburg — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:48:13 -0600

@streamergurl Wow.... I can't even say how much I love this. Your excerpt was a bit long for just an excerpt... but it was sooooooo good! I love the honesty of her struggles in her faith but how she stays strong. it's so raw and honest and real. You don't get many stories like that when it comes to faith. (I've read enough Christian fiction to know that most are just REALLY badly written and cliche.) This was awesome. I wish I could keep reading. Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:52:33 -0600

I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

JayChan — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:53:13 -0600

"He found himself wishing he could reach across to her and tangle is fingers into her hair." - typo alert. I love this. It's well-written. The goodbye at the end seems a little rushed and hasty- not excruciatingly so, but I think it could use a little more feeling. Also, at the kiss, maybe you should have included her reaction.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:22:04 -0600

Glad you like it. :) If you'd really like to read the whole thing, send me a NaNoMail. I'd like to get some outside opinions once December hits. Sorry it was so long. I'm bad with that.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:41:07 -0600

This is another good one. :) I like the back and forth between them - her dialogue is great, and his last thought ties it up nicely. (Plus the belated, "Did you kidnap me?") A couple of lines I think you can do more with: His feet were jostled from under him, but he held himself up with his arms. I don't really get the urgency or the physical strain involved from the second part of the sentence. The man in the sidecar was indeed unconscious. He was large and had a generally mean look about him. I guess I can imagine what a generally mean look is, but I'm not sure it tells me anything about dude here. Particularly as he's unconscious, so his expression would be slack, not personality-driven. (By the by, you can do italics in your excerpt as without spaces.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:48:56 -0600

@JayChan: I'm not entirely sure I follow what's going on here...but I'm hoping the social vampire draining status is to be taken literally. Awesome idea, if so. Alyssa's discomfort and uncertainty come through vividly. The other characters all seem to blend together, so I have difficulty keeping track of them all, or what exactly the situation is. flarby flubby gangrene platypus and Alyssa could almost see the exclamation points flying off Hannah. - great lines. :) (Also, if you put manual spaces between your paragraphs, it'll be easier to read.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 23:08:26 -0600

Italics! I had read how to do them before, but when I uploaded this, I forgot. :3 Thanks for the critique! You know, I didn't even realize the reader would have no idea what Mean Guy would look like. Read my thoughts already! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 23:16:46 -0600

Only if you can get people to read my thoughts re setting and worldbuilding. ;) (except, umm, I don't know what a lot of that looks like yet. So my thoughts won't be of any help there.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

XVisiEX — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:24:40 -0600

*pokes her head in and waves* Hi people. I'm a newbie to this whole thing but I am going to try my hand at this. Well, I certainly get a sense of frustration and urgency from the situation. It might just be me, have you ever read the Immortal Instruments? It has a tab of their world feeling to it =) I am a bit perplexed even with the summary of what is going on. But I assume she is some sort of humanoid morphing creature right? That being said and the fact I am nearly frazzled in the brain I am going to say this; you have nice solid writing and the title name catches my attention right off the bat.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

DesireeGraham — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:53:51 -0600

@XVisiEX Your story seems like it's going to be very much character driven, which I love and am always in awe of since I tend to fail in that area. I see that you have more than 20k written and I'd love to read more. Your excerpt has a really strong voice, and although I'm not quiet sure of the situation, I have to say that if all your characters have as strong voices, which is especially important for character driven stories, then this novel is going to be really emotionally compelling.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

DesireeGraham — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:55:20 -0600

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Qara-Xuan Zenith — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 05:46:59 -0600

@DesireeGraham You've given a really good sense of the grim tone/mood-- the first couple of paragraphs evoked Depression-era, shantytown imagery in my mind. There's clearly something sinister going on. I'm not so clear on your main character's characterization (you mentioned in your post above that that's not a strong point?)-- she seemed at first that she was relatively unassertive-- until it was just too late. But the desperation of the people locked out came across clearly. The last line of your excerpt confused me ("And then someone broke")-- is it missing a word for clarity? Based on the excerpt, this looks like a really fun book to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:47:33 -0600

I liked the way your first character approached your second character. I thought that was very well done. They seemed to know the person very well, which is sometimes hard to get across in fiction. I thought that the jump between the situation and 'are you avoiding her' was a little soon, but perhaps it's best handled that way. I liked your character's automatic "are you insane?" response to the thought about canceling the wedding. That was very well done! Overall an enjoyable piece. I would like to see maybe a bit more description, but that's just me :). My expert is in my profile and is new as of 11/1611. It's long, so feel free to skim.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

S.J.Con. — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:59:44 -0600

@writeandknow Your excerpt does exactly what it's supposed to, it makes me want to read more. I was planning on just skimming since you said it was long, but I couldn't I was pulled in from the go. And leaving with the line you did makes me wish it were longer because I couldn't get enough. It was well written, captivating, and I really hope you can finish it so the world can read the finished work.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 08:41:55 -0600

Wow, thanks for your kind words, S.J ! I really liked your post as well. Your expert was short and sweet, but I liked it anyway. I would perhaps change this sentence: “How can you call him a beast? Many of us own him our lives." I would change "own" to "owe", but that's just preference. Otherwise yours is great and I look forward to reading more! In profile!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 09:55:55 -0600

@writeandknow The second sentence of your excerpt needs an extra word. You talk about a bruise "just beginning to" Then you jump into a quotation from a character. Did you mean the bruise was just beginning to show? Try to avoid using the same name twice in the same sentence...especially beside each other as you've done with the name Steven. The comma helps, but the sentence could use some tweaking to avoid this. "Ever-closer" does not need a hyphen. And the sentence works without this phrase. "Basic room and flow" huh? And then you used "basic" in the next sentence, talking about freedom and privilidges. That sentence makes sense. The one before that does not. Awesome excerpt! Pulled me in much better than the other one you posted. Colby reacted as an FBI agent should -- protecting others. Now I want to read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BloodyHues — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 10:15:45 -0600

@streamergurl I tend to shy away from books that speak of religion, or have something such as what you have as a basis that makes a character strong because it makes me uncomfortable to read. But, surprisingly enough, I found that I was captivated in your excerpt and that though you do make God and religion an important part of your story you did not make it overpowering. I have found myself wanting to read more, and wanting in turn to learn more of this Jasmine-turned-Josephine of yours. I have not read the story that you mention at the end, but I -did- watch the animation of the story not too long ago. It was a good comparison to use in your story. I applaud you. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

iSmellLikeCinnamon — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 10:40:56 -0600

Whoa, good job! When I read your synopsis, I was like yeah, this is will be another typical one. But as soon as I got going on your excerpt, after I was done I was like wait, that's all? but I want more!! I love how you can instantly feel what your character is going through, even if you hadn't been in that situation your self. Your writing style conveys emotion so well, and I gotta say, I'm pumped for when you publish, (or if. *fingers crossed hopefully) because I would love to read more. Keep writing always!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Alina the Duck — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:15:36 -0600

I really love your excerpt, iSmellLikeCinnamon, because as a reader it really draws you in and makes you want carry on. I like the way in which you mention probably big story ways in a very nonchalant way which makes the reader question what it could be that they are talking about. The emotions that you write about are fantastic because you can empathize with the character who is talking thanks to the really good writing. I also like the matter-of-factly (Not a word, I know. Sorry) way in which the MC seems to realize that the person they are talking to is a trustworthy friend.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:23:07 -0600

@Alina the Duck: Your excerpt intrigues me, and I like the style it's written in. Very easy to visualize, and omniscient actually works really well here. However, some of your sentence structures are really awkward, like the line "Sometimes when an unexpected thing happens it’s like that the happening of that event has sucked the life out of you." or placing the adverb "leisurely" at the end of the first sentence of the second scene. When editing, I'd suggest reading them out loud. But it's certainly a very intriguing beginning, and one that would make me want to turn the page.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:54:14 -0600

@Bloody Hues - The paragraph immediately preceding the scenery makes me wonder exactly what has gone on between the characters. It set off a few of my patented Something Underneath Alarm Bells. I like, and am curious!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:59:07 -0600

And this is what happens when I let the window stay open too long...I miss a spot. x.x @Loki - I like it, and I like the way it's set up, but I would definitely like a little more back story on that force. I like fantasy, and especially one with a curious situation like this one, but this force seems to have been around for long enough to know what's what. Unless that gets answered later...in case of which, I'd like to read it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

DieselCat — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:44:49 -0600

@LadyMage I can't really say I have any complaints. You managed to give probably one of the most boring legal procedures ever a decent amount of interest. The references to "the plan" were oblique enough to make me want to learn more; clearly this is about something more layered than take-the-money-and-run.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:54:50 -0600

@DieselCat: Your dialogue is really strong, and gives me some nice characterization of Isabelle and Lucian in your first scene, and moves the plot along at a good clip in the second without sounding stiff. There are a few awkward phrases, particularly when you're trying to establish point of view [everything becomes somewhat passive when it's Daniella hearing it rather than Isabella saying it, and so on]. It sounds like an interesting story with a lot of action, and I wish you luck with the rest of it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:06:54 -0600

@DieselCat I want to read this novel! The synopsis is way intriguing. As for the excerpt... it's excellent. Seriously. Wonderfully written and formatted. I always try to find at least one thing to critique in particular, and it took me a while to find anything. "... everybody's still in the right number of pieces,” Lucian said, “so what’s the bad news?” It ought to be --> "pieces," Lucian said. "So what's the bad news?"

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:09:27 -0600

@Loki Mischief-Master: Even though I don't read much fantasy (nearly none), I must say that I would have kept reading plenty of pages if they followed the same style. I'm intrigued, and I want to know more. It's an extremly teasing piece of excerpt you've got there. The dialouge flows natural (though they're obviously talking about something un-naturall) I think that there's only a few places where I would suggest that you move the "he said/she said" bit. There was one long line that ended in - So and so said shortly. Iwould butcher that one and put the -X said after the first punctuation. Then there was one line that started with "That," Val said finally, "...". Here I would let Val (I think it was Val..) say a full "Tha....," Val said finally (and then continue with the second claus) "...". Other than that - Great job! Good luck with your writing =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:50:54 -0600

I really liked yours! My favorite line right here: "Cen pointed again. “Go. Into. The. Asteroid. Field.”" I thought it was good. I do have one thing to say about it: you probably don't need the periods in the middle. Instead, you could say something like, 'Cen said each word slowly'. This adds to your word count. I've been told over and over again that punctuation is distracting so we should be careful when we use it. I also liked this line a lot: She was irritated, that was plain enough. I liked the simplicity of it. But here's another place where you can "show don't tell" and add in some detail! Overall I really enjoyed it and thought you had good word choices. I also liked Cen. Cen stays alive the rest of the story, right? Mine is on my profile ~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:52:56 -0600

@ Fni: This was my favorite line, if only because it sounds like a snapshot taken right out of real life: “Eleven days,” she muttered as she ransacked the last drawer. “Eleven freakin’ days and I still can’t find anything in this bloody kitchen.” How many times have we each said that to ourselves? I also liked this: >>> Then she saw it! The bowl scraper was hanging next to the gravy whisk on the hook rail that was bolted to the wall behind the stove with two brutal screws. I personally would use a period instead of an "!" point, but that's just me. I think the other thing I would say is make sure that your work is in solid paragraph format or in easily broken up lines - and that can be done once November's over. Loved your book, by the way. Fav paragraph: “Hey Laura, did you see where I put my notebook today?” “Did you check the car?” Laura said and spun around to face Claus who stood and scratched his grey hair by the doorframe. “Not yet,” he said. “You’re right. It’s probably in the car. Thanks.” Again - another snapshot taken out of real life :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:07:45 -0600

Thanks for the critique! Yes, she stays alive. I don't think I could bring myself to kill her off, even if it advanced the plot (which it really wouldn't). As for yours, I liked it overall. I was a little confused at the end when you mentioned the FBI, but then I realized Colby is FBI (right?). Then it made more sense. The biggest thing I noticed was your habit of repeating words and phrases. You have "kicking/kicked" very close in one paragraph, "teenage boy" twice in another... That kind of thing is a little distracting. I'd suggest replacing one of the repeated words with something else. Thesaurus time! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:07:45 -0600

@writeandknow - Good imagery, good composition. Slight unfinished sentence at the beginning, right before "Whatever you do...", but I got where you were going with it, and am quite prone to the same thing. ...now what is this at the end??? Curious mind is curious!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:20:04 -0600

@ LadyMage: Thanks for the comment! I loved your last tid bit. Here is my critique: “I’m looking to contest a filed will,” Morrhia said softly. “You will find it filed under the name of Rhyssius LeSarnann.” I like how she said the word softly. It made me why she was saying it softly. Is she just that sort of person? Ahh the things you can only find out in novels! “Legacy,” Morrhia said evenly. <

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:21:29 -0600

I think it cut me off! Anyway, I really liked that part. I would like to see you describe it. This was also my favorite part, and I could really picture it: Morrhia’s gaze was suddenly steely. “I shall be representing myself.”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:22:57 -0600

Thanks. :) And Morrhia is one conniving, secretive individual. She also doesn't speak softly unless she knows it's to her benefit... After all, both of her daughters have turned out to be fire-slinging warriors. (literally)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:28:16 -0600

AH! And sorry, therein above lays your comment ~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:57:39 -0600

Thank you! Yeah, the paragraphs are a bit off. I'm writing my story in a word file and when I transfere my formating goes to lost.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

S.J.Con. — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:45:59 -0600

actually that was a typo, it is suppose to be owe not own

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:46:49 -0600

ah :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:49:20 -0600

Any brave critiques on mine are appreciated.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:55:03 -0600

@- writeandknow - I'll brave it! First off let me say that I think you're writing about an important subject -- trafficing (yeah I glanced at your synopsis). As for your excerpt. I think that the action is there, but that the fluidity needs to be worked on a little. Sometimes I feel that I'm not connected to the characters. Although I'm pretty sure that with some more backstory, I might understand why the FBI agent allow himself to be treated in the way that he does. I understand from your synopsis that he was kidnapped so I guess I need to assume the baddies are super baddies with weapons at hands! In particular I thought that the excerpt was a bit disjointed in the beginning - see my comments in (parentheses) Colby could see that Steven looked excruciatingly nervous with a face flushed red as he approached him. (Maybe checks flushes? - I think of anger when I read 'a red face') Steven sunk down into the ground on the cement floor (did he actually?? Or did he just wish he could? When I read this I was like.. "wait a minute, was this Sifi?"), a bruise just beginning to(...) “Whatever you do, don’t say a word to Pete,” Steven muttered darkly as he looked at the floor, tracing the little barrier. That wasn’t good. (what wasn't good?)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

DieselCat — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:03:16 -0600

I see what you're saying, but the way the line scanned in my head was Lucian taking only a short pause between "pieces" and "so" - hence the break in the dialogue, but not a full stop at the end of his first line. Thanks for both the feedback and the ego-boost. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:25:56 -0600

@ fni: Thank you so much, that was very helpful! More word count ideas ~ @ whoever is next: do fni's work, not mine :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:27:05 -0600

Oh. One note. The federal agent is undercover and nobody realizes he is a federal agent :) I can, however, adjust some of the scenes... :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:47:33 -0600

Lil’ Edits and suggestions: ““Eleven days,” she muttered as she ransacked the last drawer[,] “Eleven freakin’ days-“ “Laura didn’t often swear[I personally don’t count ‘freakin’ as a swear word, but that’s just me.], and certainly not out loud, but the buff kitchen[,] with its white panned windows and lace curtains[,] had-“ She growled in frustration, shut the drawer and turned to the stove to save her boiling [spelling! lasagna] noodles before they would become a minute past al dente, instead of a minute short of it. “The bowl scraper was hanging next to the gravy whisk on the hook rail that was bolted to the wall behind the stove with two brutal screws.” [This is a bulky sentence, maybe try slimming it down a tad or add some commas. Read it out loud without pausing, you’ll see what I mean.] Brilliant, Laura thought and sighed at the inconsistency in the already illogically arranged kitchen. She removed the pot [‘of’ makes more sense here] cooked pasta from the heat and poured the water carefully in the sink. (How anyone could live without a colander was beyond Laura Ebbens apprehension.)[Interesting narrative voice, will it play a large role throughout your story?] I don’t really see what’s so wrong with the kitchen. There’s not enough of it described for me to sympathize with Laura. Steam billowed and [‘scalded’ not ‘scolded’, unless they’re teaching her a lesson] her small hands, and one of the [lasagna] noodles escaped with the water. The rhythm of the mindless, habitual task soothed Laura Ebbens[is it very important that we see her full name many times?], and she felt the frustration subside with each layer of noodles, sauce and mozzarella. [I like this, cooking is very soothing] “-(mere the name sounded alluring [I get what you’re trying to say, but it’s worded oddly. Try: something like ‘just’ instead of mere]), and simply the thought of another eighteen day[s] in-“ “Although, she had to admit that the people in the town [were] beyond anything she could have expected.” “The woman who[-] according to the stories, should have been accused for witchcraft[-] was said to have cursed the town before she was hung and burned[.] And some said she had sworn to come back to haunt the descendants of everyone involved in her hoax trial, and of all those who merely stood by to let it proceed.” “[You’re] welcome to have some,” Laura said and smiled. “Oh, I didn’t know that,” Laura said and felt her culinary fingers tingle.[Cute line!] The walls were painted in a pale-tinted off-white and a white table with four old Windsor chairs was placed by a big window that was framed with ivory curtains with a wonderful floral print. [This one could use a comma or two, it doesn’t let the eyes rest] I love the banter between Laura and Claus, it’s smooth and very believable. They seem to be great friends, I enjoyed their interactions the most. You handle dialogue very well. There are some tiny comma mistakes here and there, but I figure you can sort that out yourself. Your scene choice was interesting here. While the interactions of the characters were fun, the scene didn’t really make me want to read on. I was like, “Oh what a nice meal between coworkers. Done.” It was, overall, an enjoyable read for sure.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:49:46 -0600

Aye I keep forgetting this part: That was @Fni. <:)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:59:56 -0600

Thank you for very usefull critique =) I'll NaNo-mail you a longer answer to avoid confusion here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:27:15 -0600

@trishameyers I enjoyed it. The dread was palpable and I thought you did a good job conveying it. My last post was eaten, but maybe look at the sentence about the steady nerves of the war horse? Maybe also look at a different phrase or word for constricting? I like the thought, constricting implies choking as in a snake, so maybe suffocating or some other similar word. Keep up the good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Iriala — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:06:08 -0600

@Wilson3sd Your excerpt was so compelling and powerful. I started into it and couldn't stop reading until the end... and even then it was a cruel and bitter stop because I wanted to keep reading! If I had to pick my absolute favorite part, it would be the personified Mr. Dread on a subway. Although the prayer was definitely a close second due to the added tension. I am also curious about Emma's healing without marks/scars. Overall, I very much enjoyed it! Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:37:27 -0600

[quote=Iriala] @Wilson3sd Your excerpt was so compelling and powerful. I started into it and couldn't stop reading until the end... and even then it was a cruel and bitter stop because I wanted to keep reading! If I had to pick my absolute favorite part, it would be the personified Mr. Dread on a subway. Although the prayer was definitely a close second due to the added tension. I am also curious about Emma's healing without marks/scars. Overall, I very much enjoyed it! Thank you! [/quote] Seconded!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:57:24 -0600

@Iriala “The hulking skull it was called by the simplistic young Knuni.” [I had to read this a few times before I understood it] “He let the cool liquid slide down his throat, opening his senses and instantly refreshing him, satisfied he set his drink on a nearby table.” [I think the last part could easily and, perhaps, a bit more effectively, be its own sentence.] “...Dhas signed and tried to avoid the curious stares of his fellow Knuni” [Did you mean sighed?] “A toll sounded [and] everyone began to leave the lobby, heading towards the seating facility.” “However, this situation could have possible ties with the traitor Urth and his questionable activities that led to our last meeting.” [Before I read on, I want to say that I really hope this guy has something to do with Earth XD] Woo! Well, I liked that! You obviously have developed a unique world apart from our own. I enjoy these tidbits for sure: “-in a galaxy on the Prima parallel of the DiVerge-“ & “-was working in the Skond parallel of the DiVerge-” I’m interested in what they are, exactly. I was going to ask you why these beings seemed to look so much like humans, but then I ran into the paragraph about the third planet mirroring their own, and was satisfied. You write rather seamlessly, everything has a good flow going. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:42:15 -0600

@Trisha- I love the way you use your brilliant vocabulary. It's really as if you were a painter and you draw with your words. I'm however a bit comfused as to the use of two different tenses... I got the impression that Orin was running from something in the beginning.. A fire... And that he was thinking back of the events leading up to that point... but then there were some tense switches so I felt that I had to figure out all by my own grandios (a.k.a non-existing) thought pover that he was still looking back.. Was he? Also, Is this in the beginning of the book or somewhere in the middle when we know Orin? Becaus if this is the absolute beginning, I am not sure that I would care about what happened to him.. I'm thrown in blind chasing this man who runs faster than I could ever imagine with fire at his heels.. I took that literally btw.. not as a metaphore for his sweeping progression through the forest.. Here are some of your lines with some edits/questions: As he had travelled to the capital, just days ago, he had planned carefully every move [he was going to ake] and every word he was going to [say, as you don't make words]. Every brow lift, dashing smile, and head nod was thought through and placed where it would most likely produce the best outcome. [Awesome! What grand planning] The guards [had] brought Orin into a small, but cozy room right off the main hall[, wher] they [had] told him to make himself comfortable as they went to fetch their Majesties. One of them - [Orin] had already forgotten his name -snuck a last glance at [him] before dashing out the door. [You switch tempus here.. ] His heart had begun to flutter at the thought of his soon to be audience. He took a breath, paused, and exhaled, letting air and his unease go. [New tempus again?] A fragile fire was[?] looming in a hearth at the end of the room. He walked[?] to it in his habitual posture, thumbs stuffed in his belt, head slightly tilted up. The warmth that came off it was dismal. There was[?] a couch he thought about sitting on, but decided not to, as it looked like it cost more gold than his life’s savings. Making himself comfortable, he found, was impossible. Not while he was battling an anxious monster in his gut. Mounted above the fireplace was a large box of a mirror. Orin had to lift his heels to get a look at his entire face. Even a few inches taller his chin was left out of his reflection. [It's fairly cliché to have a character look in a reflective surface to describe their features] [His hair needed cutting; its ends brushed his shoulders. A few weeks more without a trim and it would start to curl at the bottom, an occurrence he had always disliked.] He let out a short sigh as he put weight back on his heels. He paced to a table at the opposite side of the room. Atop it were bowls of different fruits, some familiar, others he couldn’t begin to place. He plucked a yellow apple from a pile of grapes, intending for a second to eat it. But, as another second passed, he lost his appetite. [Why?] Instead, he tossed it up and down in one hand and rolled it along the length of his forearm. “Don’t play with the King’s food,” he muttered, mocking an older lady, as he moved it up his shoulder and across his neck. [Where did the lady come from?] PS: I've uploaded a new excerpt so if you're still procastrinating -- feel free ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SaraMaria459 — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:42:17 -0600

@missamana12 A little confusing, but mostly because it's so short. I couldn't really tell anything about your style or what the book was about from the excerpt so I don't think I can fairly judge it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SaraMaria459 — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:42:52 -0600

oh whoooops, derp

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EchoRains — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:01:48 -0600

@SaraMaria459 Though it does not seem like something I would read you do a great job with descrition. The words you use do a great job without underplaying your work at all.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:04:23 -0600

Thanks for the awesome critique! I'll message you regarding all that crazy tense jumping, I'm glad you brought it up. Hah! I'm always procrastinating, I'd be happy to take a look.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mundaneepitome — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:12:07 -0600

@ EchoRains Your story seems a bit more of an action - dialogue - action sort of thing. There isn't a great deal of description or an insight to how any of the characters say their lines (though this is probably just my personal preference because I write like that), but everything just seems so clear cut. I get a "This happens, then this" sort of feeling to it. Try to work a bit more of an OOMPH into it, try expanding a bit on some ideas. Try also to keep different ideas in different paragraphs, and try for transition words - you have new ideas in your paragraphs and it was a bit distracting. Over all, it seems to be an interesting plot, but I don't really feel that Zylinn is twenty-two? Then again, people of all ages react differently, so yeah. My advice would be again to expand a lot on ideas - you have some interesting points in your excerpt that are dying to be explained about.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EchoRains — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:19:45 -0600

I guess what was put in there was not clear that it was a dream that Zylinn was having :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mundaneepitome — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:30:09 -0600

I'm, uh, still standing with what I said. It's all fine and well to say 'this is a dream' and then go on with it, but I guess it's your intention with the dream? Because it's a dream, I'm getting a sort of not deep enough shortness to it - I don't feel *involved* into Zylinn's panic or her upset? It might be because it's only an excerpt so I don't know much about her, but if the dream is a big turning point and the reason for her reaction, it might be best to add more to the 'action-dialogue-action' mix, and sort of invite us into the world she's dreaming of before pulling around and letting us know it was actually a dream. Dreams are usually very realistic/things even though we know aren't true but feel are true and make logical sense until we wake up, right?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sandler — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:28:59 -0600

@mundaneepitome: You need to vary the word choice in some of your sentences or rearrange the sentences to remove redundant words, such as "What had stopped it before it had even begun to even form in his mind?" Take out an "even," it's redundant. Also in that paragraph was a sentence that used the word "his" far too many times. Other than aesthetic things like that, it's mainly just comma use to slow down the text in some places and speed it up in others. In the sentence, "they attacked where they may and there was nothing intelligent yet nothing brutish about it at all," I would add a comma to set off the intelligent idea and the brutish idea, or it feels rushed. I love how much detail you put into the culture and thought processes of the lions, it really helps the reader to understand why and how decisions are being made by characters.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 02:10:25 -0600

@Sandler: You write very smoothly, and I like this as a character moment. In support of that - I'd like to see it a bit more internalized. The first two paragraphs are entirely external to Adrianna; I get hardly any specifics to bring out the specialness of this place to her. (The wood like silk is a good one.) Don't just describe the place and the farewell - show me her farewell to her place. I like the last line. Mafiosi as security blanket - ok, exaggeration there. :) But that's a little shot of insight into her mind, because it's out of the ordinary (for my modern-reader's-experience), and the connotations of the Mafiosi contrast with the peaceful scene you've just presented. More layers like that, please! (Of course all that can be looked at in editing, too.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Vikingessa — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 04:59:27 -0600

@AnnieColleen I like that you have really original character names. The style I do like, because I tend you like the sort where things are kind of thought out - to see where the character is are and what they are thinking in a way. Limited, but perfect. I take it there is only one main city then? Asking because of the capitalization of City. Very intrigued by this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 08:48:32 -0600

@- Vikingessa -- I enjoyed reading your excerpt, although I found that there were a bunch of conjugations missing and a bit problem with the punctuation. (Easily fixed once December comes around!) I have some questions and some suggestions in your text as marked by [ these wonderfull guys ] She found the small cat hiding under a bed in one of the rooms. Delirium had been the runt of the litter, but she was strong. Slightly off and strange, people blamed it on her unusual eyes. Right eye bright blue, left eye emerald green. Jovie's father found Delirium while on the road [ Maybe this is explained earlier, if Jovie's father is someone who often travels or something... but if not-- it sounds like he found the cat on the road, and how then would he know about the rest of the litter? ] She pulled her out from under the bed and pressed Delirium to her[ ]chest. “Let's get you fed.” Jovie sauntered out of the room [with] the strange cat pressed to her chest [and a frying pan in the other hand]. She didn't say a word as she pulled a can of food from Delirium's travel carrier [and] stuffed it in the pouch attached to her waist. [Then she] left the room [and made herself busy] with feeding the cat. [When she was done, Jovie ] settled down in the kitchen [and watched] the cat [eat]. She stretched her legs and yawned. It had been a long day [and] it was far from over. [ This section read a bit clunky... I tried to put in some conjugations. Also why must she hold the frying pan? Because then she starts opening a can and such, and uless she's an octupus, I think she's in over her head.. or arms.. can't the fryingpan be on the table or in the kitchen allready? Also, is it nesessary to be so explicit about how she fed the cat? ] Sisyphus landed[and a few minutes later Ash found Jovie in the kitchen. --- You had made an unessesary change of POV here..] She picked up the frying pan and looked up at him from the kitchen table. “Well? Did you change your mind?” [she asked in some appropriate tone ;) gives you some more word count and also tells me as a reader how she reacted to seeing Ash... Did she grab the frying pan as protection?] “No, I didn't[,” he said and] handed her a walkie talkie. “We'll keep in touch on here. You know how to fly her, we might need you to in a bind. I want you to get some air and keep the ramp down. There's an emergency gun and flare gun by the entrance of the ramp.” “Fine," she said dully. [ this is what I mean!! :) ] The frying pan dropped to the table and she watched him leave. When he was gone, she cursed under her breath[;] “Bolván.” She shut the cat in the kitchen and took the frying pan with her. Jovie rummaged through a set of drawers nearby the ramp. Cole was all too predictable in where [he] kept his cigarettes [-- exactly in the same place as on Sisyphus. --- also here it was a bit clunky ] She swiped a cigarette, along with a bright yellow lighter, stepped down the ramp and sat down at the bottom. She lit the end of the cigarette and inhaled deeply. The bottom floor of the parking lot was cold and dimly lit. No one appeared to be around[, safe. --- weird... Maybe "No one appearaed to be around. She was safe" ] She pulled her knees up to her chest and took another drag. “V zádnitse,” Jovie said quietly to herself. “Vsegda v zádnitse.” [ Is Jovie often talking in her own language? Because I as a reader have no idea what she's muttering about.. Which would be highly interesting for me to know.. For all I know she could be talking about the strange cat ] She put the cigarette out on the ramp with nausea overcoming her senses. She remained in her spot for a long time[.] [ Then suddenly the walkie talki crackled and Jovie heard Ash's voice from the black device. ] “This is Phoenix, come in V. Over.” “Aloha. Over,” [Jovie responded.] “All is well down here, had surprise back up. Coming with an extra passenger, a little girl. Another surprise also. Over.” “Bad or good? Over.” “Depends. You'll see when we get there. Over and out.” She paced the ramp until [she] saw flashlights shining by the elevators. It wasn't seeing her twin for the first time in years that stunned Jovie, it was the swollen belly. The camera hadn't shown she was pregnant on the TV, but television had ways of hiding the obvious. Jane's face no longer looked gaunt or worn out. There seemed to be a peace and understanding brewing within her. A child about five years old held her hand, but it wasn't possible for her to be Jane's. [Was it? --- this little addition could be Jovie's reflection when seeing the child..] Jovie's body stiffened at the feel of her twin's arms wrapped around her, but didn't push her away. “You're alright[.] I should have known Ash would keep you safe.”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 08:49:41 -0600

Just to make it clear this time since I was skipped over last time :/.. Next person in line -- Read mine =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:18:49 -0600

"... who had braced herself in the longest..." I don't really understand what you mean by this. Maybe remove the "in"? She had braced herself the longest? Braced herself against what? Lactic acid isn't what causes your muscles to burn. After it's made, lactic acid is split into two ions: the lactate ion and the hydrogen ion. The buildup of the hydrogen ion is what causes the burn. Lactate is actually a great energy source for muscles. Lactic acid gets a bad rep. If you leave it as lactic acid, though, I don't think anyone will freak out. :) Great excerpt! It left me wanting to know more. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:25:10 -0600

Sorry if my response seems a little terse. I just woke up and my Internet Nice-Person Personality Matrix isn't operating at full capacity yet. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:26:54 -0600

Thanks Tooterfish! Haha Yeah, I think I'll leave it at lactic acid... Can't really see myself wriying "He kept running even though the lactic acid broke down into lactate ion and hydrogen ion, and the accumulation of hydrogen ions burnt in every muscle." But thanks for the physiological imput! I love physiology and praise the day when I randomly learn something new. Who had braced herself the longest [possible] (with the willpower of a very headstrong Italian woman) from asking the question that....

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:28:37 -0600

Ahhh OK, I see now.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 11:30:26 -0600

Thank you! City...I only know of one so far. :) It's not a very developed area. That was originally a placeholder, but it seemed to fit, so I'm keeping it at least through NaNo.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 12:24:23 -0600

@Tooterfish [I think you're up next?]: I really like the description of the asteroid field, and Pax's series of little hesitations about going into it. I'm intrigued by the ending, with Pax not knowing details about his own training, and would definitely have read on to hear why. I do feel like there might be a couple of details missing from his conversation with Cen, though -- it feels like there should be more tension in the scene then actually comes across. But I really like the ending two paragraphs.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 13:17:09 -0600

@ Loki: I still love the "the voice was new part." That's still my favorite, favorite, favorite piece! I guess I spend so much time talking to people that it never really registers when a specific voice is knew. I'm not entirely sure on that, so don't quote me. I also really liked the use of the word vaguely here: "Not even vaguely." It lets me know that he doesn't have a clue in the sky about who it was. One thing I thought about in this was the ""When . . . whatever it was . . . said my name." Just bothers me a little bit - I'm not sure what I'd put in place of the periods, but I feel like something else should go there. Overall, still a great expert and looking forward to more of the story. Mine is in my profile and is new as of 2:17 PM today. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:37:12 -0600

:) Subtle nudge.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:26:03 -0600

@writeandknow It's an interesting setup and the synopsis certainly grabbed my attention too. I'm intrigued as to how exactly Steven's slavery works, how they stay from being caught, etc., and what part he'll play in everything. For plot I don't have any suggestions, its sounds great! As for technical aspects, you tend to restate ideas and facts, becoming redundant. There's also a lot of Telling in this excerpt - not necessarily a bad thing, Telling does after all have its place and should be included in most stories to some degree or another. But I feel as if there is a bit too much here. Stuff that would be better served and better felt through Showing. The flashback as well feels a bit clunky. I think it's the father's dialogue, we're getting too much and in a way that reads like a speech. If you were to break up the information more - about his mother, how his dad ended up with him, etc. - over a series of flashbacks throughout the novel it would feel more natural. Just leave this flashback giving us the info that his mother dumped him on his dad, and that his dad isn't even positive that he's his son. That was also the one part that confused me. You have - His father only thought Steven was related to him. Well, that explained a few things. Now I'm not sure if you mean that they're only related in blood and not through deeper emotions like love, or that his dad isn't even sure they're related and therefore doesn't care what happens to Steven. This needs to be made much more clear because write now it looks like a mistake on your part. Like you've left out words or something. Otherwise, I think the plot sounds cool and that your characters are varied enough the story will be engaging. Just a few tech things to look into during revisions! Keep going with it. I would definitely read a story like this!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dream Hacker — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:37:29 -0600

You have a beautiful way of painting a picture with your words. You managed to make Junah's character heartbreaking even before I hardly know anything about him. I also really enjoyed the way you juxtaposition reality and dreams. Your excerpt may be short, but that doesn't mean it doesn't include gems. One of my favourites is"his obsessive need to understand motives that never existed." Basically, I really really want to read your novel. Any chance you'll let me when you're done?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:46:05 -0600

Thanks for the critique and your kind comments! It's always nice to hear that a story is working fine so far. I'm always nervous about that lol If I ever manage to finish this, the more people I can get to read it over the better. You would be more than welcome! I warn you though, I'm a slow, slow writer so it would be quite a while :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:59:30 -0600

@Dream Hacker Your synopsis is concise and informative. But I would cut the first paragraph, since it's not really needed. Try "Dylan finds" instead of "starts to find." No comma after basement. Maybe change the last line of your synopsis to "but some find they are losing their minds." How do they have a school without teachers? How do you fall onto a bed dramatically? Describe the doorknob more, please. Don't use the same word twice in the same sentence. "Stone walls and floors" will work for your description. Awesome ending!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:06:11 -0600

*bumps board back to first page* LIVE!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:07:56 -0600

@ - Streamergurl Iiiiiih!!!!! Poor Jasmine!!!!! I loved the suspense you've created her. I suffer with Jasmine in the prision dungeon! I would love to see mor inner reflection though. When the filty men laugh and basically hint that they are going to deflower her I would like to be inside Jasmines head.. Feel her terror.. I would also like to know how it feels to be inside the prision cell.. Is it cold and damp?? I think so.. What does it smell like? How biting is the hunger? How filty is she after three days? As the fair prinsess she is, I'd think that she would notice these things allot. I remember that I read a previous excerpt of yours were Jasmine spoke to her mother, and I must say that your writing has improved since. Remember I told you about the bobbing heads? I get more scenery and whole body characters here. But I'm still lacking that last push of Jamsine's inner. Great Job and keep it up!!! I've done some more detailed sugestions on the excerpt on the text that follows.. --- Jasmine paced the small cell, fighting her mounting panic. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could see her dismal surroundings. Thick stone walls formed three sides of the little room. A metal grate served as the door. A small opening lay at the bottom of the door, where she imagined food would be shoved to her. A small wooden structure that she assumed was a bed lay in the left of the cell. Hay littered the floor. [Great description. I think that everyone has a picture in their mind of what a stereotypical prison cell looks like. It's a good ballance of giving the right amount of details.] She fought to stay calm. She was used to plenty of light and large rooms. [Is there electricity in your fantacy world? Otherwise it would be fancy to say "she was used to large rooms and plenty chandeliers, or torches at the least."] he condition that made her pause was not giving up Trevor, but renouncing her new faith. She wanted to do neither, of course, but losing Trevor seemed the more preferable option. But on the same token, she could not dismiss the faith that he had introduced to her. The few passages she’d read from the Bible spoke of a powerful yet loving God. [It-- sounds a bit disrespectful to me.. could you use "He"] reminded her vaguely of a righteous king. Jasmine paced until she was exhausted. She finally lowered herself onto the bed. She quickly brushed hay off of the structure [I would call it "the wooden, stiff bed" or the like, as you already established that it was a bed]. She swept the length of the [bed] with her hand to discourage any critters that shared her cell [away from the bed]. [This is repetitive and I'd either scratch it and have her be bitten by a flea or rewrite it.] [It] resembles a rock more than bread. Realizing she was thirsty, Jasmine made her way to the single bucket she’d spotted in the corner of her cell. To her relief, the water appeared clean. Having no other choice, she dropped to her knees and used her hands to cup water up to her face to drink it. She paced for a while longer before laying down again. She was tired of thinking over the situation with her mother. I’ve done nothing wrong[, Jasmine thought] I don’t deserve to be here. More tears fell as she purposely shut away her present world in hopes that her dreams would make her happier. It seemed the whole situation crashed on her [all over] again. I’ll never see him again, anyway. Jasmine looked away, wanting to hide her tears. Goodbye, my love. She faced the guard. “Yes...I will let Mother choose my husband.” “And your faith?” [Do not recant, beloved. Stand firm. -- Who says this? Do Jasmine refere to herself as beloved? Does God talk to her? Is it her loved ones words that ekoes in her head?] Jasmine nodded. “I understand...but I will not [deny] my faith.” ***** The group of men came closer. Jasmine heard three different voices. All were laughing. One must have held the torch close to the door. “Well, well, well. That’s a pretty one. [Like this!] Another set of footsteps approached rapidly. The group shuffled back in response. Jasmine recognized Marcus’ voice as he stood at the door of her cell. “This prisoner is under the protection of the Her Majesty, the Queen[, and shall] not be harmed.” The men didn’t like [[Marcus'sscoldings].. or something like that.. [that answer--- Marcus didn't answer really..]]. Before she could fall back asleep, she heard the heavy door close again. It was in the same region as where the group had vanished. One set of footsteps approached hesitantly. They stopped, then raced away. A loud whisper echoed through the chamber. “Come on! He’s gone!” [Oh no! OMG.. Jasmine... I'm antsy now] “Try it again,” another one advised. The keys jangled again. The lock moved up and down from its spot on the door. The group eventually groaned, and the [jingling of keys stopped]. The group walked away, cursing the man who held the key they wanted. Jasmine fell asleep thankful they could not get in. [Perhaps she would be a bit to frighten at first but fall asleep eventually, but not get a good night's rest.] ***** Two more days passed in the same fashion as the first. Long hours of pacing, meals that were barely edible, and sleeping on a bed that brought no comfort [this is a bit weird, because brought no comfort imply to not bring consolation, but I suppose you're talking about the comfort of the bunk bed... as in accomodation... but I'm Swedish.. so don't take my word for it]. Though she hated her surroundings, longed for a [decent meal and a place with light, Jasmine found she could not renounce the faith that had changed her. She had seen things differently since she’d accepted Jesus’ sacrifice. She had more compassion for her family, and seemed to love her mother more than she had in years. She knew that her faith was the difference. She seemed to care more for servants, peasants, and even her annoying suitors. [Aww. I'm atheist but I do like the message of love that is in the core of the Cristian religion (and any religion), and I think you captured it great here =) Go, go Jasmine! Stand up for what you believe in =) ] Footsteps woke her. The opposite wall of her cell was visible when she opened her eyes. Small windows lining the uppermost regions of the room were placed sporadically throughout the chamber that Jasmine had discovered held many small cells like hers. Her space did not contain a window, but a small amount of light entered her cell [during] the daylight hours. Jasmine faced the guard, still curious. The man paused before speaking. “You will be moved today and join the main populace of the dungeons.” [Oh my Whiskers and furr!!! O_O] She looked away. No, just suffering. [Don't be judgmental fair Jasmine. Your mother doesn't know what she's doing ;) ] “I will give you a moment to change. And you [better think up a new name for yourself].” [Jasmine] nodded as he walked away. [She would deny her own name, but never His/the Lords/something.] [She] changed out of the finery she’d dressed in the morning of her last meeting with Trevor. She removed her earrings, her jeweled combs, and the necklace with the purple jewel that [Trevor] loved [so much]. She pulled off her riding hose, then lay aside the matching blue riding skirt and top. She stepped into the simple gown, hating the roughness of the material. As the guard approached, Jasmine realized she was still wearing her shoes. Though simpler than others she possessed, she realized it would still make her stand out in a way that could cost her life. She discarded her shoes and placed them on top of the pile of clothes. [brilliant!!] Marcus unlocked the door and swung it open. Jasmine walked forward. He gripped her arm and propelled [Not sure about this choice of word] her to the left, silently reminding her that she had little choice in this matter. If she didn’t recant, she was [a prisoner, just as the others that the Queen had deemed worthy of punishment]. A memory of Trevor flitted across [Jasmine's] mind. He had smiled when she recounted the story she’d just read. “Joseph is one of my favorites. Keep reading. He was sold into slavery. And he did well, caring for Potiphar’s house. Then Potiphar’s wife accused him falsely. Though he did no wrong, Joseph was thrown in prison. But God did not abandon him. And one day, when Pharaoh, Egypt’s king, had a dream, Joseph was the one summoned. His interpretation earned him the highest spot in the land, just below Pharaoh.” Jasmine’s thoughts returned to the present, staring at the door that served as the entrance to the actual dungeons. She willed away more tears. “My name is Josephine.” [I like the choice of her name! But I don't like the way she retold the story of Joseph... If she read it before, did I as a reader hear it before? Because then it would fit much better with just a reminder of Joseph's story without so many details]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:27:17 -0600

I figured the best way to explain her choice of name was to give a brief overview of Joseph's story and use the phrase that he did nothing wrong. Since I hadn't already included it in the story, I figured a summary from Trevor when she begins reading the story for herself would give enough detail. Thanks for all your suggestions! And I'm glad to know that you enjoyed my description of the faith, even if you don't share it. As for the light comment, Jasmine is narrating. She is used to candles, chandeliers, and torches. I felt it unnecessary to use another description there. She is used to the common modes of light for her time period. You see "plenty of light" and think of electricity. But that's not how the character would view it. Hmm. I'll recheck that in December. The bold italicized text is God speaking. It's explained in a different section of the book when it is seen for the first time. Thank you so much for that incredibly detailed comment!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:46:49 -0600

No worries. I really enjoyed reading it. Gosh, I fear what's going to happen to Jasmine in the new place. *biting my nails (figuratively)* Ok, light comment superfluous then =) I really like her name pick. It was genious. Yes even if I'm atheist, my children's bible was my first favourite book. I'm a sucker for the stories. I remember the bold now.. I copy pasted the text into the message field when I was reading and commenting so that dissapeared. Interesting that she can hear God. I started reading a book once, but I was to young and eager at the time to bare with the lack of action.. I think you'd enjoy it.. if only I could remeber it's name.. It's about a woman who I think was beautiful and from a vealthy family, but who sticks to her fait even though she is madly in love with some guy. She's really brave and she goes on to creat a monastery.. Although I never read that far... =) If I can find the book I'll NaNo-mail you! Good luck with the writing, Fanny

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:21:39 -0600

@fni I would try putting the thoughts of your characters in italics, making it easier to distinguish. I think you meant "at A loss of oxygen." AWESOME excerpt! I keep wondering why the guy is purposely leaving the town and why he can't sleep. WHAT is the town suspicious over? What's the witching hour? The rescue scene was good, though I had trouble picturing the stone you mentioned that wiggled out of place and plunged the girl into the excerpt. The paragraph about the past and future mixing together was good, but I had to read it two or three times to understand what you meant.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:30:21 -0600

@Fni Holy - yep, that's long. That is very long. This requires a (relatively) long critique. ON Y VA (that's french) Alright so a quick summary first. Tomasso is an italian man who for some reason is being ostracized by his village. He goes out into the woods to think about things, and accidentally comes across a little girl. The little girl runs away to play on a river, and ends up falling in. Tomasso jumps in after her, manages to save her life, but then he dies. PLOT! Seems strange that you'd kill him off without really letting him explain what his main problem was. Plus it's written like this will be the beginning of a new chapter in his life, and killing him off here kind of removes an entire chunk of a story that never gets written. I can tell that this is also fairly close to when you first introduce him, because there is a lot of explanation that gets shoved in that would have been explained earlier if you had introduced him earlier. Obviously this excerpt is really about the girl. The story revolves around her from here on, to a degree, if I am psychic enough. Or maybe she's an evil spirit (hypothesis based solely on the "Paranormal" genre you listed). I don't know for certain. STYLE! Well your writing style starts out kind of generically. Each sentence describes a new aspect in an almost stream-of-consciousness fashion (but not quite done in the style of stream-of-consciousness), and most of the nouns have colourful adjectives in front of them, even when it's not strictly necessary. This does get better when you introduce the girl. The transition itself is kind of sloppy - I'd recommend taking out the dialogue if the only line is "ouch". That just kind of seems redundant. Also I'm not sure how walking into a little girl would hurt all that much. But after that your descriptions of the action made me forget about following the wording itself - that is excellent. That's what you should be aiming for. Perfectly done. Well not perfectly. Pretend I didn't say that so it doesn't go to your head. You should definitely work through the wording and phrasing of the entire segment because nothing is ever perfect. But the point is that I began to think more about the action than the literacy at this point which is what you want. The only real line I didn't like all that much was the empty shell line. It feels like you're trying to trick me that he isn't dead. It's an interesting literary technique to describe a dead guy like that but when you kill a character off so suddenly it's best to let the reader know for absolute certain that he is dead. In my opinion. My opinion is often inaccurate. I would have missed it, though, if I hadn't had used a similar metaphor for a corpse last year. So call me pretentious because that's probably what I am. GRAMMAR/TYPOS! I didn't find any mistakes. That's really good for an excerpt that's so long. Keep that up. ... Alright I think that's all I got off the top of my head. Is any of that helpful? It may seem long, but compared to your 2500 word excerpt it really doesn't go into as much depth as it could have. Oh well.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:31:21 -0600

@streamergurl I really like it! I am amazed by the last touch, adding in Joseph's story, too. Well done! I might say to perhaps...make the events that do happen longer? Like when the men try to get into her cell, I would make that more pronounced. Just to show how the events that did happen stood out against the rest of the nothingness. I like it though! Josephine! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:38:19 -0600

I believe midnight is the witching hour.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:45:33 -0600

Thank you so much =) That was ecellent. This chapter is set 20 years befor the remaining of my story takes place (which as your brilliant psycic ability correctly suggested revolves around the girl.) But we'll see Tomasso (Tom) show up soon enough.. He'll get his chance to fill the gaps. ;) Since you run the risk of getting passed over here I'll critique your excerpt and NaNo mail it to you. Hope that's OK with you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:47:38 -0600

@creatorx2 First of all, I LOVE the title! It sounds like a poor translation of a Japanese cartoon. Second of all, the formatting on this site is a little meh. I'd suggest going into your excerpt and inserting paragraph breaks. Right now it's a wall of text! Not your fault, so not a critique; just FYI, it will make it easier for us to read. ^_^ I'm not a fan of writing in the present tense, but whatever floats your boat! :) "awkwardly swings around to a comfortable position to climb down from." Don't end a sentence with a preposition! So Cherry is blind and Chad is her seeing-eye raven? Awesome! It might be good to introduce that fact at the beginning of the excerpt rather than almost at the end. Overall, great! The plot sounds hilarious. I'd love to read it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 09:48:19 -0600

And for whoever critiques next, it's OminousRain, then me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:23:40 -0600

Naw it's fine, someone got it. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:32:53 -0600

To late.. *ping ping* You've got mail ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:43:04 -0600

yes indeed. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:45:45 -0600

Thanks for the critique! regarding what's keeping Tomasso awake -- it will all be cleared up later on in the story. I will take a look on the wiggling stone! Gracias =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

TAMaxwell — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:08:39 -0600

@OminousRain, I was a little confused about what was going on in yours. I mean, I got that he was killing something, but I don't know what it is or why it was being killed (other than it's already dying), who was coming that he wanted to hide from, where Duis was in this...I feel like I walked into something in the middle, which as an excerpt, I know I did so I can't complain that much about it. I think if I knew what had led up to this scene and why half of it is supposed to be in italics, I'd probably like it better as an excerpt, but without that necessary formatting, it's more confusing. You do have me wanting to read more to know what's happening though :) It's a well-written clip, just confusing. @Tooterfish, very easy to pick up what's happening here. Just a few things stuck out at me. The thing that mainly stuck out to me is the same that you get in the cartoon Futurama: how does someone with no depth perception fly so well? I guess Pax could have been trained to fly after he lost his eye, but logic wants to say it wouldn't be so easy either way...although I'll be the first to admit I don't know how a lack of depth perception really works in that sense. :) It also took me a second to realize Robit wasn't yelling at everyone and was probably a robot. Still, the all-caps makes it seem like he's being loud. And finally, you say at the start the asteroid field's on the left, planet on the right, then Cen directs hit to go right...into the asteroid field? Other than that, sounds like you're up to a great sci-fi adventure. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:36:44 -0600

Yeah, I think I will go back and make it italics. How does one do the special thingie again? And add a bit more to it so it's fuller. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:39:24 -0600

The depth perception is kind of a joke. It's addressed later. :) You are correct about Robit. He IS a robot. And OMG I didn't even realize I had gotten the asteroid field backwards. X.x That's what happens when you write in the middle of the night with no caffeine!!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:46:57 -0600

word = word Except no spaces between the < and e. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:48:19 -0600

Thanks! Here goes nothing... :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

TAMaxwell — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:48:55 -0600

Haha, no problem, that's what editing and critiques are for, @Tooterfish :) And I figured the depth perception thing would be addressed somewhere. @OminousRain, let me know when it's updated, I'll be happy to go over it again :) Also, you're so close to being done with the 50k! Good luck :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:49:43 -0600

*squeals* IT WORKS!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:53:10 -0600

Aw, thanks! It just finished. I feel stupid fixing it when I only have 3.5k left, but it has been bothering me for a while haha. Now, I'll settle in and get those stupid words down! >:D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

TAMaxwell — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:00:46 -0600

Oh that's SOOO much clearer now! Yes, okay, that definitely needed a bit extra before to set the scene and the italics to denote it as a flashback. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:04:28 -0600

Haha yes. I know the last sentences is bad, but I've made a little mental note about that. Anything else?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

TAMaxwell — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:17:48 -0600

Whoo, deep reply chain :P Hm... I think in the phrase "summoned the courage and breathe to continue" that needs to be "breath". It also might help a bit to have spaces between the paragraphs like you had before. It'd be easier to read that way since there's no tabs to denote new paragraphs. But not having them didn't cause THAT much problem for me. Other than that, your style for this scene kinda reminds me of my own for my FMC's traumatic situations :) Going into their thoughts in short bursts and quick sentences. I like it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:22:07 -0600

Hehe, yep. :) Ah, I can never tell which is which. Thanks. Haha, good, I'm not sure whether people will think it is interesting or want to throw the 'book' across the room!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BloodyHues — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:04:10 -0600

@ TAMaxwell Incredibly interesting story you have there. I love the excerpt of it... you have caught my interest! And I see it is a trilogy, I believe? Three books already planned! Thats incredible! I wish you all the luck in the world and hopefully I will come by this book one day in a store! I will remember it for sure. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

White Lily — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:15:17 -0600

Umm... thanks to the threading here I'm really not sure who's excerpt I'm supposed to say something about, but ... @TAMaxell I really like that excerpt! Usually I'm not very interested in pirate stories, but this piece got me interested and I would definetly want to read along. Poor Kate! I guess this is the start of the novel (or very early in it anyway) and I like it. I'm at a little loss over the characters' names, though.... Thom is the one coming to the pub. He calls the other man "uncle Ephraim" - but Kate call him "Gabe" (short for Gabriel, right?), and Thom then calls him "Mr Bates ... so he's Gabriel Bates?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sdv0390 — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:16:27 -0600

@BloodyHues Your story doesn't sound like my cup of tea plot-wise, but I really like the details and imagery. It wasn't hard at all to visualize the scene. Keep up the good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:16:29 -0600

@BloodyHues I'm liking the sounds of this book! I adore twisted/screwed up love (especially in families) and your synopsis promises that this one will be interesting. The excerpt is short but it reads well and your writing is very clear. I can already feel the unevenness of their relationship. I could have done without these two lines though - That is when what little innocence she had left was shattered into oblivion. And there was nothing that anyone could do about it. - they just aren't needed and work as overkill. The rest of the excerpt gets the point across much better. Other than that though I didn't notice anything off. Good luck with this!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

daringnerveandchivalry — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:43:03 -0600

@TAMaxwell: I love it! The pacing of the scene is excellent, and the characterisation is so clear, even in that little segment. The part that really stood out was the ending - I really want to know what's going to happen next! There are teeny grammar things that can be left for December (I might just be reading it wrong, but 'She heard Gabe stop on the steps down into tavern proper behind her' doesn't read right to me) but there's nothing glaringly wrong with it. I already love the character of Kate, and I want to love Gabe too, but I'm still not sure whether to trust him or not! It's definitely something that I'd love to read, you can really get the idea that it's going to be exciting :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

daringnerveandchivalry — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:52:58 -0600

{sorry, left the tab open for ages and didn't think to check if anyone else posted!} @Corelle: I have to be honest, I read the synopsis and felt a little nervous, but then I read the excerpt and I loved it. It's definitely not something I would have ever chosen to read before, but the atmosphere and style is good, and almost a little...chilling? I'm not entirely sure that's the right word, but it sort of describes the way that I read it. It absolutely made me want to read more of it, and to find out more about the characters. I hope it all goes well :3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:08:54 -0600

I'm glad you still enjoyed it despite your reservations! I'm hoping that if I ever get this published that people will take the chance and read it. It's a sensitive topic. I'm doing my best to display their situation and emotions in a way that is both realistic and sympathetic. Not always easily done! Thanks for reading it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:46:22 -0600

@daringnerveandchivalry So, the writer has met the character? Tell me more about that. Didn't care for the cursing. Nevertheless, it sounds like an intriguing idea.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:06:03 -0600

I went ahead and read your excerpt XD The plot sounds like a nice coming-of-age/coming-out type story that will appeal to a range of ages. Your writing is perfect for this genre - clear and simple, realistic dialogue that conveys emotion well. I really don't have any critiques for you... Perhaps just that you should make sure that you're keeping the plot and characters varied enough that the story isn't forgettable amongst all the others of its type. I think that's the hardest part of writing within any genre and its up to the writer to find that voice and story that will stay with readers. I would suggest reading as many books within this area as possible. My personal favorite is Sprout. It's unique, contains vibrant characters, realistic relationships, and doesn't become too cliched or sentimental. Basically, it feels real the whole way through.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:43:43 -0600

@ steamergurl I’m just spitting out friendly suggestions, maybe a few edits, feel free to ignore any or all of them. A small opening [laid] at the bottom of the door, where she imagined food would be shoved to her. A small wooden structure that she assumed was a bed [laid] in the left of the cell. – [I do believe ‘lay’ should be in a past voice here.] [The stipulation for her freedom that gave her pause was, not giving up Trevor, but renouncing her new faith.-The way it was before, in my opinion, didn’t seem to fit her situation. That’s just an example, play around with it, maybe.] She wanted to do neither, of course, but losing Trevor seemed the more preferable option. But on the same token, she could not dismiss the faith that he had introduced to her. [The phrase ‘on the same token’ is a bit confusing here. It’s like saying you like cookies (Trevor) and ice cream (God) but you would rather have the ice cream (God) over the cookies (Trevor) and then you go on to say you can’t forget about the ice cream. I think this would work better as: She wanted to do neither, of course, but losing Trevor seemed the more preferable option. For some reason, she could not dismiss the faith that he had introduced to her.] Jasmine paced until she was exhausted. She finally lowered herself onto the bed. She quickly brushed hay off of the structure. She swept the length of the bed with her hand to discourage any critters that shared her cell away from the bed. She [laid] on the wooden block and shut her eyes so she could see something besides the stone wall. Oh God, what am I doing here? She cried herself to sleep, thankful that she was alone in her shame. – [This paragraph is very ‘she did this, then that, then this, and then that.’ Just something to look out for.] She put the plate back on the floor and shoved it away. The plate slid under the door and out of reach. –[Haha, still a princess, even when jailed.] The group of men came closer. Jasmine heard three different voices. All were laughing. One must have held the torch close to the door. “Well, well, well. That’s a pretty one.” [Are these men other guards? Or are prisoners allowed to run around the prison. I’m guessing the first, but it’s never really clarified, they are just regarded at ‘the men’.] The same group approached her cell, laughing again in a way that made Jasmine’s skin crawl. No. Leave me alone. Please. [Aw, what douchebags] Two more days passed in the same fashion as the first[:] Long hours of pacing, meals that were barely edible, and sleeping on a bed that brought no comfort. [Not a complete sentence, tack it on the previous.] He maintained her gaze. “No...She does not wish you dead, Jasmine.” [No, but she’s still kind of a batch] . He gripped her arm and propelled her to the left, silently reminding her that she had little choice in this matter. –[Nicely put.] “My name is Josephine.” [I like that she chose a name with meaning. It makes me feel like she’s going to try and live up to his story.] That really was a really nice read, well written indeed. I’m not one for faith, but I like seeing people who stand firm in their beliefs, whatever they may be. I think you’ve got a good hold on Jasmine’s personality, but sometimes she seems to be lacking something. Maybe try a bit of introspection on her part? Also, I feel like a lot of this is “tell”, which makes it a bit bland. Most people don’t like to be told a story, but shown. That dear saying “show don’t tell” is a good one. I also think this plot of yours is a very good one, something I haven’t read before at least. Good job and best wishes! -Trisha

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:55:07 -0600

Trisha, I enjoyed reading your excerpt. It felt like a small glimpse into the lives of a family seeing each other again after a very long time. I could actually see it playing in my head, and the amount of description you provided made it that much more vivid. Beautiful work.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:25:24 -0600

Some suggestions: He’d at least give her the idea that he wanted rough sex with her. [Well, he’s mighty forward. Hardly any introduction and he wants to mess around?” “[And] what part [of you] do I have it pressed against?”[It didn’t sound playful enough at first, and she’s being playful, right? In the deadly sort of way?] -Now be a dear and let me go or I’ll be a bitch and shoot it off.” –[Haha, she’s fun. Great line.] Everett let his hands go [He can’t let his hands go as he’s not holding onto his hands, maybe try something like ‘Everett released her neck’] Hm, hm, I’m not too sure what to say really. Your writing is very well done, but as for the content. Maybe it’s just not my thing, but this really made me think of high class, well, p0rn. Until the end that is, I do like the way it ends. I’m guessing they have met each other before; Otherwise Mr. Everett has some pretty weak self-control if he wants to screw a woman he’s supposed to be killing in the first minutes of meeting her. Or, he’s a rapist. But, in all seriousness, you have a wonderful style of writing, you get the point across without over embellishing. Awesome work & Happy Writing! -Trisha

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:28:55 -0600

Harlow: It's certainly a tense moment. The hitman has charm, the cat has claws. It read like Everett really wanted to learn more about his bounty rather than just taking her life for the money; though the other reasons he would do so likely aren't as noble. And that woman, Ingrid, for being so sweet and ladylike is ready to stop hitmen in their tracks; she's more dangerous than she appears.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:31:40 -0600

Oof! Trisha: This moment was beautiful and its richness was in the details. The way his family dotes on him, how they comment on his hair, embrace him and show how much they loved and missed the kid. At first, when I read about his medal, I thought he was bleeding for a moment with that red on his tunic. Thankfully the news was so much happier than that.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 01:38:00 -0600

Yeah, Everett is a sociopath. He uses sex and violence and a lot of other fun stuff to get where he wants. You're actually onto something re: the rapist comment. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Canuckie — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 02:38:58 -0600

@Dannis Dunjinman: Great action scene. Very suspenseful. I especially loved the whole fire sequence for some reason; it felt very clever. There was a bit of word repetition here and there (the 'buts' at the beginning, for example), but that's just me being nit-picky. Over all it left me curious to know exactly what was going on, so I'd say job well done! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

SpreadLight — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 03:49:50 -0600

@Canuckie Great excerpt! I love how your writing flows well--a lot of NaNo excerpts are unpolished and quite awkward, but yours is definitely not one of them. I would have to say, however, that when you come back to edit, cut more than you add. There are a lot of subordinate clauses that, while they are humorous and do show the snarky side of your narrator, tend to slow down the pace of the prose and disturbs the flow/rhythm/whatever you want to call it. As the old saying goes, "kill your darlings." Also, I enjoyed the ending--even though I read your synopsis, that one took me by surprise. It was amusing, sudden, and a good way to end the excerpt on a cliffhanger :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

little.alex77 — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:23:11 -0600

@ SpreadLight I actually liked your excert. It could definitely use more emotions to describe her feelings of dread and horror. Rather than telling us that she's feeling dread and horror. Show us through physical evidence. Maybe she widens her eyes or her jaw drops. Other than that, I would DEFINITELY read this book.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:28:13 -0600

@ little.alex: I was hooked from the beginning! "The man was dead" was just so sad to me. [Sniff]... I really liked the ending, that really surprised me! I wish I could see more work. As a more formal after November note, I might change up the paragraphs so that there are only 4-5 words in each of them. My job was to kill him and it had taken a long time to kill him and he was finally dead. - I like this sentence, but it needs something else. I think the "it had taken a long time to kill him" needs to be a bit more descriptive. If you've put all the information in another part, then don't stress over that - I'd just put a comma: "My job was to kill him; it had taken a long time to kill him, and he was finally done." Most of that is just post-November work. Overall extremely interesting & looking for more, writeandknow Mine is in my profile ~

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:30:33 -0600

@little.alex77 Please add in a synopsis. It will give the reader some background for the snippet they're about to read. Great opening line! You've got some run on sentences, unnecessary "and"s, as well as thoughts that deserve their own sentence. I'll give you an example or two so you can tweak the rest accordingly. (These are just my suggestions. Take what you like and throw out the rest.) "I stared at his blank eyes and carefully closed them. I placed a black rose on his bloodied chest. My job was finished. I wondered at the man behind the curtain. [Not certain what this curtain line meant. Please clarify] Joseph Carson was a famous actor running for president. He'd been doing well until about twenty minutes ago, when I killed him." Start your second paragraph when your character kneels in the puddle of blood. Cut the "I said," and go straight into the quotation. I kind of like the twist of asking God to make the character stop, and then denouncing the thought once he finished. (I'm a person of faith, so the thought bugs me. Nevertheless, cool idea.) Start the third paragraph when he opens the door at his home. Nice ending!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Steampunk avi8or — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 09:12:49 -0600

@steamergurl Awesome! Great job at making time elapse without a million jillion words. You have a great writing voice, and I could tottally picture what was happening. The sentances and paragraphs could be a little less choppy. I liked the ending, it made me want to find out what she experiences in the main part of the dungeon. Also cool how you had her change clothes and get a new name. A+

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 09:17:04 -0600

Thanks, Steampunk! Note to next poster: Writeandknow was skipped, and steampunk needs a review too.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 11:46:25 -0600

@steampunkavi8or: That was a little bite of an excerpt, but I was able to piece together some thoughts. -It took me a minute, because I'm dense and I didn't catch it from your screen-name, that of course there could be a machine to "hold" soldier's conscious minds in the American Civil War. All better. -Beatrix seems period appropriate, not sure about Okapi. -Maybe split the line about Lincoln's eyes blazing with cannon fire. It felt a little jumbled.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 11:51:47 -0600

Beware my new excerpt is fairly blue! Profanity!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 11:55:43 -0600

@writeandknow Good excerpt! I'm a sucker for detective stories, especially when the rules change midstream. -He hung his head should be enough, no "down" required. -Looked not locked, ran or running down his cheek. Once I got past the first few nitpicks, the rest of the excerpt read very smoothly and had a nice flow. Keep it up! Again my excerpt is fairly blue, for whoever is next.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 12:18:17 -0600

@streamergurl I almost skipped you! I like seeing the continuation of Jasmine's story from your previous excerpt. Struggles of faith are good meaty stuff. You've given the cell the dank, hopeless air it deserves. I like it. I also liked the shifting loyalties present in every castle. Nits: A queen would say "may," also in describing the food is it grey or gray? Either works, but you had both in the same sentence. Awesome job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 14:22:05 -0600

Good catch on the "gray" thing. I'll check that. Thanks! Glad you like it. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Trisha Myers — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 15:09:12 -0600

That, makes a lot more sense XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 15:25:59 -0600

@ Wilson3sd -- Yeay, procrastination time well spent! Let me start by saying: You are genious and I love you! Haha. You have your own style and I enjoyed reading almost every single word of your excerpt, but I would suggest spending some time on editing. The content is great, it's just a matter of presentation; the way you make your paragraphs and punctuation etc... specifics: 1.) Your charcter Bobby McGee sufferes of gynecomastia (tits, men bobs, moobs). He's a very interesting and likable narrative voice, mostly because he's so utterly honest. I like Bobby, even if I don't agree with his hobbies or his way of cursing like a sailor.. But it works for your story and I would not take it out. I'm just a bit prudish when it comes to this. 2.) Some times you swith tenses.. And I'm not sure if this is intentional or not.. here are some examples: ** By his sophomore year, he __knew__ that he was going to be pretty much like that for the rest of his life. Sure, people __grow__ [grew] out of it. ** One of his favorite websites ha[d] a page devoted to the special days when things happen. ** He was a good guy, just __doesn’t __[didn't] talk much. There [was] a reason for that too.. 3.) Some work could be done on making the paragraphing more traditional, and therby get rid of unessesary chunks of text.. Open up your text a little, so that my eyes get some rest in between all the genious phrases. 4.) Another suggestion is that you work on the punctuation. Examples: **Because that’s the weird thing about teachers[. The] names they always learn are either the kids that are really[,] really[,] really good at stuff, or shitbags. **Needless to say[; /--] the biggest kid in the class was marooned. Stranded on an island of his own creation, but probably also an island of his own desperation. [Like, like, like =)] **...but Bobby never really felt that it was polite to say[;] “Why the fuck can’t you speak English?” Although[,] Frankie probably would have replied[;] “I can you fat bastard. Now leave me the fuck alone.” 5.) Some small things and some of the things I liked "Mucho": This sentence reads a bit strange, but maybe that's what you're going for? : Needless to say a bright, shiny, happy place for Bobby, school was not. [Could be rewritten as: Nedless to say; school was not a bright, shiny, happy place for Bobby] Maybe add a "up" here: Although Bobby thought it sucked that Dimebag died and Phil went off the rails with heroin, thereby fucking [up] one of his favorite bands. ..time was the Rock of Sisyphus. Time would pass and Bobby would think “Almost done,” and the next thing you know he checks the clock and only twenty fucking minutes have passed. Back up the hill we go, just as easy as you please. Then, there was Tuesday. [Liked this paragraph alot] ...The current flavor was large breasts, preferably bigger than his own.[Hahaha =) Splendid] .. flipped a few birds. [I have no idea what this slang is, but I'm neither native speaker or a teenager any longer.. ] ..his own Helen of Troy. The face that killed a million sperm. [Hahaha Oh my ears and whiskers!] ...his place in the hierarchy of the high school [ecosystem -- not sure about this term.. why not use food chain or food web]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:27:36 -0600

@fni Thank you for your needed critique! I admit that this was the first thing I wrote this year and I've gone down the rabbit hole with other characters. Bobby was just the first in my mind and so the urge to get him out on paper overrode any real consideration as I went. I'll definitely be using December for some tweaking. This excerpt really shows the transfer from voice to page. (I recorded it before I wrote it.) Flipping a bird is extending the middle finger. Mostly meant as a vulgar gesture of dislike. Ecosystem felt better, as there are diverse life forms populating it, but I think you're right. There's a more appropriate line available. Hopefully you don't get skipped! If you do, I'll send you a critique in a bit. Well, either way I'll shoot you a critique. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:26:55 -0600

@fni You writing is enjoyable, though you may want to ease up on the adjectives just a bit. Not everything can be so colorful or else the reader stops caring! I actually found myself skipping over adjectives throughout. Not because I didn't like the story, but simply because there were so many. A few other things: Then, just as suddenly as the girl had run into him, Tomasso was struck by a bad feeling. He felt his heart drop. I would cut the struck by a bad feeling. and combine the two sentences. His heart dropping serves as the bad feeling. I would also like to know that the girl is in pajamas much earlier, when he first describes her or else I'm left wondering just why I should be too worried. The effect is weakened by mentioning it later, even if it is a few lines or so. I would perhaps reconsider including the comments in parenthesizes, as well as the little extras like ; don't rock!. They weren't working right for me. I'm not sure why, but they weren't. However, this is just me so it might work just fine for a different reader. Otherwise, the story sounds cool and your writing certainly conveys well.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:35:48 -0600

Thank you =) Yeah, I realize that I have used many adjectives, and I will certainly go through to take some of them away. Great comment about the pajamas. Although I don't understand why you would be worried one way or the other.. I hate the "Don't rock!.. since he's thinking about a.... rock... Haha.. I might scratch it or somehow rewrite it. One of my test readers really like that he has that swift thought.. Everyone has their preference, I guess. Anyway, Gracias, F

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:37:55 -0600

Haha oh.. So he flipps birds. What a snide fellah! I didn't get skipped over this time. Phew! But you are welcome to critique would you want to. /F

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 18:12:21 -0600

I should have been more clear, I actually meant worried in the sense of building tension and suspense. A child running around in the countryside in only her PJs in early morning is automatically worrisome in real life and so creates instant tension when read. It's one of those things that signals something of importance is about to happen. To know that from the first description creates the tension sooner.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 19:50:29 -0600

Question for the regulars of this thread: I'm thinking of posting another excerpt, but it's more intense than the one I have on here. What do you think? Go for it or leave it as it is? Next poster, critique corelle, NOT me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 20:07:26 -0600

I think I've switched mine up twice. The shift between the first two and the current one is pretty jarring imo. I say go for it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

BloodyHues — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 22:25:14 -0600

@ Wilson3sd I LOVE your ecerpt. You take that everyday outsider and work him into your story in a way that is both hilarious and fresh. It's good to see someone write with a character that is not 'the norm.' (IE, the hot sculpted sports guy or the waspy waisted-cream skinned mysterious beauty. And although I dont really know exactly what your story is about, I am intrigued and want to read more. It captures the mind and heart like that, yanno? Keep up the good work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aliaswriter — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:43:45 -0600

@BloodyHues The first part was good. It captured my attention that she had this internal conflict, and knowingly choosing the wrong decision. The second part was really long, and it was kind of choppy, so I had a hard time keeping my attention on it. Each section was written well, but they didn't flow together. At times I had trouble figuring out who was saying what, and what was happening, it seemed to jump around. I think keeping just the first part would make me much more interested to find out what exactly was going on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:55:07 -0600

@aliaswriter Very cool. It was clear and well-written, and all the tactile details really helped me picture it, and goodness you hooked me. I want to know what happens next. Crap, I'm supposed to say something negative too... I don't think I'm going to since I would just be BSing. Great job.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aliaswriter — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 01:42:26 -0600

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 03:31:33 -0600

@corelle It's late so my brain might not be at full speed...:) I liked it. I think Tannis has the makings of a...well I don't know if you're going for creepy, but...creepily interesting figure. I wonder if it's his love that needs a boundary. Equating the dogtags to a collar was good, as was the "padding" across the floor. I'm guessing these two are part of Calum's line. Likely that Cole is Calum. Sorry you got skipped! Keep fighting the good fight! Whoever's next please critique aaalllyyysssaaaaa

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 10:12:29 -0600

@aaaallyyssaaa Great excerpt! I couldn't find any typos or grammatical things I'd suggest changing. It pulled me in; I want to know more about this organization, and more about what Fury does. I love how you described him as a dandelion. Paints a very specific picture! Keep it up! :) @Wilson3sd "For him, school was, not necessarily a punishment, or gulag,..." You don't need a comma between was and not or between punishment and or. "Time would pass and Bobby would think “Almost done,” and the next thing you know he checks the clock and only twenty fucking minutes have passed." Tense wars! You start off in the past perfect progressive, but end in the present. I'd change it to "Time would pass and Bobby would think "Almost done" and the next thing you know he would check the clock and only twenty fucking minutes would have passed." "surrounded by two Barbies to his left " If they're just to his left, he's not really surrounded. I'd say flanked or bordered. You go on to describe more people around him, but if you want to say "surrounded," you ought to list those other people straight off, and then describe them later. "He was surrounded; two Barbies on his left, Frankie Rodriguez to his rear." "of his, very young, dreams" You don't need the commas here. I like the overall flow of the excerpt, it's just those few things that I kind of trip over. There were two major things I noticed: 1) you switch tenses a lot. A sentence (and usually a paragraph) of related thoughts should be comprised of the same tense. If one thing is in past tense, EVERYTHING should be in past tense, etc. 2) you really like commas, don't you? :P The less you can use commas, the better. There are a lot of comma rules, so here's a link to a site that lists them and gives examples. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aliaswriter — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 10:28:16 -0600

@aaaallyyssaaa I enjoyed it too. Very well written. I didn't want to critique it earlier, just so that someone else would do it, or otherwise the critique process would kinda end with me. haha

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ElectricSanity — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:06:01 -0600

@aliaswriter I like how you kept the vision short, so short that a reader could almost miss it, just like the character. The little details, like the shoppers in the store, made it very real, and I especially liked the awning fluttering in the breeze.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:09:10 -0600

I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ElectricSanity — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:12:02 -0600

@Tooterfish Death by meat logs sounds brutal. The way you wrote it feels hectic, like the scene, but it's kind of hard to understand the violence when I'm being distracted by meat logs.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tally Marx — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:14:03 -0600

@ElectricSanity- Your excerpt is good. The description is not too heavily laid, and yet is still there with enough force to draw the reader into scene. It is very short, though, so the impact is stunted. It is not long anough to get an idea of the characters, or the story as a whole, and I would be unable to make heads or tails of it had it not been for your summary (which, by the way, is also good).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:20:18 -0600

LOL, well he doesn't actually die from the meat logs. What would you suggest, if not meat logs? :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ElectricSanity — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:21:07 -0600

@Tally Marx I always thought the excerpt should be like one form the back of a book, but I go to other people's pages and see huge excerpts, so now I'm going to go find a nice meaty portion that will make more sense

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:26:29 -0600

The synopsis is the blurb from the back of the book. The excerpt is a piece of the actual writing. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ElectricSanity — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:28:11 -0600

OH :O I changed it now. It has a good chunk of plot in there right now. It was one of my favorite scenes to write in the whole novel so far, I could just see it so clearly in my mind.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 13:07:03 -0600

@ElectricSanity Your synopsis can be a little tighter. "Nate was looking forward to vacation as the chance to escape the hometown that felt like a prison." Your sentence about the misfit girl left me a little confused. You say "with a strange affect," but I'm left wondering if you meant to use a different word. Use quotation marks around the run away thing. Great way to end a synopsis! Your excerpt was great. I loved the "no duh" and the "murder my leg" comments. This character sounds awesome. Kat sounds very interesting. Well done! Tell me more! General note: I've changed my excerpt. I've found a different piece that's less intense than the one I was considering. Enjoy!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tally Marx — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 13:41:04 -0600

@Streamergirl: Your excerpt sounds good, and the ending is especially inviting. The reader is left aware that change is on the horizon and wanton to know what is going to happen next. Your description is good, and your pace spot on. It is always difficult to say from merely an excerpt, but your character and situation seems somewhat predictable, however. Congrats on reaching the word goal!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tally Marx — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 13:43:01 -0600

*wanting. Please forgive my spelling errors. It's cliche to blame it on touch screens, but alas, it is true they are difficult to type on!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 14:51:27 -0600

@Tally Marx My first question as I read was "what's a lynn?" But the more I read, I realized it was the race of the people you're describing. Wow. Cool excerpt. Great descriptions, but I'm not sure a child would tell how long in feet certain buildings were. By the way, how old are the kids in the passage? Just as I'm wondering what the prince was talking about with "that was great back there," you explained it. Yeah! Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:18:24 -0600

@streamergurl Just a note on name connotation- when I saw that Jasmine is a princess, I IMMEDIATELY thought of Jasmine from Aladdin. That's just more of an observation than a good or bad point. The scene with the prisoners sort of confused me because it's so many new names at once and I was left with the impression that I should know them by now, like they came in the story before. But this being an excerpt, I haven't met them yet. So I had to reread it a couple of times. After reading the whole thing, I am extremely curious in the rest. Stories of faith... I don't know how to describe them. They just take a special place in my heart because of the complexity and I admire you for taking it on. But I don't think you should use this as your excerpt. From your synopsis, it sounds like Trevor is a pretty important character and source of conflict, so I think you should use a scene with Jasmine and Trevor. That's what I was expecting after reading the synopsis, anyway.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:28:56 -0600

Yeah...I tried to change her name so people wouldn't think of Aladdin. But my fingers refused to type another name. I think Jasmine threw a fit, resulting in the rebellion. Thanks for the comment. I'll look at that and see if I can clear up any resulting confusion. I just liked her interaction with Hope, and wanted to share it. But you may be right that this isn't the best piece to present. *goes to check*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mrbowlerhat — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:30:52 -0600

@StarFoxMcCloud I really enjoyed your excerpt, and not wishing to sound cliche, but I'd love to read more of it. It gives a good insight into who your characters are, doesn't confuse anything by throwing in random plot elements that only make sense to you. It's a wonderful piece of writing, nice work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:35:43 -0600

It WAS a really good part, it told a lot about Hope, just not so much the story. I was torn on even telling you that I think you should switch it out or not. Channeling my Creative Writing teacher here in saying, "Hope died? HMMMM..."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:36:01 -0600

Thank you~!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:38:27 -0600

But she died with a smile...so it's not all bad. :) Thanks, though. I see your point. If someone else suggests I'll change it, I will. But the other part I picked out is really intense.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

StarFoxMcCloud — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:41:26 -0600

That was a nice touch, I meant to mention. That she died with a smile, my teacher was all about symbolism and finding it everywhere and now... so do I! =X Congrats on word count and best of luck with your story!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:57:59 -0600

@mrbowlerhat Nice excerpt, but I was a little confused. I liked that you introduced your characters in your synopsis, but that's pretty much all you did. What is with all the different factions against them? What did Grey find in the bunker that changed things? Why are people trying to stop them? It was not apparent until halfway through your excerpt that racism is apparently a big part of your story -- that should be included in your synopsis. Why did you change perspectives halfway through your excerpt? What were they doing in that place? Trying to blow it up? And your character Queenie got me confused, since he's a guy. BTW, you get points for including a dog trainer in your group. Though I'm not certain why he's important. :) The person who critiques me, let me know whether or not I need a different excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lisard — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 16:00:38 -0600

@ mrbowlerhat I liked that even though it was an excerpt, I could easily tell where the lines were drawn, so to speak. Your writing is very clear, and I love your characters... the way you added humor into a gunfight. Lol. :) This is an interesting concept, and very imaginative. I don't know anything more that the excerpt, but if I had a suggestion it would be to maybe add more tactile descriptions? This will also help word count, though you obviously don't need help with that. It makes it easier to visualize. Like

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Starfishy — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 16:30:06 -0600

@Lisard I think this sounds like a great lead-in to a great story! I liked her thoughts about her car, having to leave it behind when she's so attached to it really symbolizes the massive change she's going through and the start of her "new life" on the run. I have a few critiques to make about the syntax and the like, though: Trying to focus she thought of what she would need. -- This isn't a complete sentence, and it's a bit jarring. Also, there's a tiny little typo there! The fourth word should be the, not she. I'd just reword it so that it says, "She was trying to focus on the thought of what she would need." She already had food, water, medicine, and other small items that were a basic suitcase, but her car, her car was very recognizable. -- I was a bit thrown for a loop at "the other small items that were a basic suitcase" because the items themselves aren't a basic suitcase. If you want to use that, I think you should clarify that as "the other small items that were part of a basic suitcase." But still, I don't really think of food and water as being part of a basic suitcase that you take on a trip or anything. It might make more sense to just ditch the suitcase part and just refer to them as being some of the basic necessities she would need to get by. Knowing the time to leave was coming up, she sniffled not knowing when she might be able to come back to her home nor if it would be the same as she left it. -- I feel like there ought to be a comma after sniffled, and another before nor! Other than those, great job! I love that last line of your excerpt about closure in particular. A very strong way to end a scene, in my opinion!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 16:38:56 -0600

Loved this line: “It’s not even the gay part,” Zack said, and the resentment in his voice made Broderick flinch inwardly despite the stoic poker face he maintained. .- my favorite. Personally I would have used "strict" rather than "stotic" but that's just me. I really like the way you have the expert paced. I loved how you defined your characters and I felt like I could be very real within the scene. Here is a place where I think you could increase your word count and add in some description: “And speaking of which, you know what hurts the most?” Zack challenged, cutting him off and turning his head to glare at Broderick. “ I think taht if you described the look on his face it would draw me in better. Otherwise very well done and I enjoyed it. That was @ star by the way :D Mine is in my profile & is new as of today

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

lisard — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 16:47:29 -0600

Thanks so much! I had forgotten to replace the "basic suitcase" part... it is actually part of a disaster bag, which would include those things, and I changed it two days ago in my book, but hadn't changed the synopsis. Your suggestions also got my brain coming up with ways to expand on certain elements, too so thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 17:34:45 -0600

@writeandknow: This excerpt is a bit slow to get going. The first part, before the flashback, is somewhat an infodump - Steven's thoughts summarizing what should hopefully be clear to the reader through the course of the story, rather than spelled out. The last part (when the 'someone else' comes in) is the most interesting, because now we have some interaction and conflict. That will give a much clearer picture of the characters & the story than summary in a character's thoughts.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:48:53 -0600

*waves* I got skipped. :( *bumps board back to front page* *pokes last line of other post*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:02:58 -0600

@streamergurl YES! Bathroom! "Her cries had grown softer throughout the day. But tears still poured freely. " This could be turned into a compound sentence by replacing the period with a comma. “Than...Thank you for telling me, Marcus. I won’t have to worry about her tonight.” Than should be then. Great excerpt! It flows very nicely. It's of the same caliber as your other excerpts: fantastic!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:08:47 -0600

"Than...Thank you" She started to say thank you and stopped for a second. LOL. You're the one that asked me about the bathroom, I presume? Glad to hear you like it. Send me a NaNoMail if you'd like to read the whole thing in December. AnnieColleen and Tooterfish are next!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:12:28 -0600

Oohhh OK, I thought it was a typo. Never mind. Carry on! Yes I asked about the bathroom lol. I might send that NaNoMail in January, as December will be devoted to ripping my novel apart with the Red Pen of Dooooooom.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:26:53 -0600

Good catch on the "typo," though. I never thought of it being taken another way. Now that you've mentioned it, I'll probably change it at some point.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 06:59:47 -0600

@ steamer: I really liked this expert. I could really feel the emotion that the character was facing when she said, "Oh, my son!" For some reason that felt very real to me. This made me really sad: “No. I am no longer worthy of my own name. I have no hope any more.” AWWW! Break my heart why don't you. Great expert. Nothing really negative to say. Might add a little more description? I'm going to hit Tooterfish and Annie Collen quickly. Mine is in my profile

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:01:43 -0600

@ tooter: I loved this part right here. “They didn’t tell us anything. They didn’t warn a one of us, just waited nearby like vultures to pick our bones after we were down here, rotting.” I really felt the emotion. I think it needs something in the 'just waited nearby' part - for some reason that felt like a jump. Could be just me, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. I really felt the emotion in the expert. “Oh,” Pax said. “That’s energetic.” I was once told never, ever to use the word said, no matter what. Of course, I break this rule on a daily basis. Sometimes there just aren't alternatives for said. But sometimes it's a great way to work on description... :) Overall a heartfelt piece.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:04:04 -0600

Thanks for your critique. It is an info dump, but that is intentional. I'll try and work on it so it doesn't feel as much that way though. :) I really like this piece here: Dust skittered away from her feet. She ran fingers along the ground, to the same effect. It took careful effort to pinch dust between her fingers; every grain of it brushed away. I was a bit confused on the 'grain', I guess I don't really think about dust being grain-worthy - but it could be. This was my favorite part: A graveled voice broke the silence behind her. "Jacqueson thief, little Jacqueson thief." -- Liked that a lot. Overall very solid writing and I look forward to seeing more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sapphire2309 — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:09:03 -0600

i like your writing style! i don't exactly get what's going on (though i have an idea), but i get the gravity of the situation, and it's extremely intriguing. you can't expect perfect writing during NaNo, what with the editor gone and everything, but your writing is really, really good. it leaves me waiting for more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sapphire2309 — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:09:25 -0600

whoops, i forgot to add the @writeandknow

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:46:17 -0600

"Than...Thank you " Replacing Than with Tha will get the pause across better. Tha is the first syllable in the word, which is where a person would naturally pause. I am also very impressed by your word count! Way to go!!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

TAMaxwell — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:04:57 -0600

Sorry, I didn't have internet over the weekend to respond...sorry for the confusion with the names, @White Lily. It's not the start, but it is very early in :) Gabriel "Gabe" Bates and his uncle Ephraim were upstairs. Thom the tailor came to the door, and at the same time, Gabe started to come downstairs to see what Kate was yelling about. After giving the news to Kate, the only thing Thom says is responding to Gabe's question. The rest of the conversation is Gabe, Kate and Ephraim, with Thom to the side. @BloodyHues... thank you! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:16:19 -0600

@Sapphire2309 Wow. What a way to make me feel sorry for Draco! See, the demise of Voldemort makes me think that the Death Eaters would have given up. Though one might not have. And I can't exactly remember what Draco did to "betray" Voldemort. But this is your story, not mine. Awesome detail! Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 12:58:16 -0600

*bumps board back to front page*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:01:23 -0600

@ steam: aw, your expert was so heartbreaking. I love this one here: " “Hello,” Jasmine stated, sitting against the wall by the newest prisoner. “I’m Josephine.” Greta released a curt laugh. “Don’t bother with that one. She won’t be here long.” I also liked the explanation that followed. I thought that it was real and very sad. The scene overall was very believable, with someone not wanting to believe the person died, etc. Very well written -- I could sense a lot of human emotion. My only advice? Maybe a tad more description. But well-done nontheless.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:19:40 -0600

@ - Streamergurl -- Not as good as the last excerpt I read of yours, but clearly made me nearly cry twice. Some major editing in December will come handy. I must say that Jasmine was more likable before this one.. She seems a bit off in her emotional responses.. Smiles in the (for me) wrong places, is curious in the (for me) wrong places.. Perhaps if I know her better I wont be as surpriced by her reactions to her surroundings. Here follows some specifics... Jasmine was busy cleaning out a corner that stank [ – what passed as “the necessary” in this place –] when she heard the plaintive cry of a woman entering the chamber. [Don't get this part] [She] came from the courtyard, not the castle entrance. But why? [She] turned back to her work, not having time for questions. [I suppose the 1st She is the new prissoner and the 2nd is Jasmine... Perhaps you want to clarify this.] [Torches attempted to give light to the chambers] [Torchs don't attempt.. they just are..] by the time Jasmine had finished the last of the “necessary” areas. [Maybe: By the time Jasmine had finished thelast of the necessary areas, the guards had lit the torches in a futile attempt to give light to the chambers] She had scrubbed her hands as best she could in the last of the clean water that had been provided for the task. That task had stolen the last of the daylight from the room[don't like this] She[didn't look] much older than Jasmine. Her dirty brown hair had seen better days[, and] the woman’s brown eyes told of sorrow, terror, and regret. “Hello,” Jasmine stated, sitting against the wall by the newest prisoner. “I’m Josephine.” [Weird way to approach someone who's crying.. what about a hand on the back and a "Are you alright?" Even though the woman obviously isn't ok] Greta released a curt laugh. “Don’t bother with that one. She won’t be here long.” Jasmine turned toward the older woman, curious. “What do you mean?” [I would also be angry if I was Jasmine.. Why is Greta laughing at a woman's missrey] “Hope. That’s a pretty name.” [It really is] [The guard] One of the guards/ the guards.. The Queens Guard... I suppose there're more than one guard in this place] came with their supper right after that. “Don’t bother. She’s new. She won’t eat it until she’s hungry.” [Meanie pie!! I hope Jasmine.. I mean Josephine got the same treatment so that it's consistent and hence realistic.] While Jasmine saw her point, she chose to ignore the advice and settled back beside the [new/ simply Hope] woman. She handed her the[bread piece]. “Here. You need to eat. Keep your strength up.” [With their small meal finished], it was time to sleep. Jasmine looked around as each woman pulled their blanket close. [With the cold weather setting in], each prisoner had been issued one thin blanket that did little more than remind them they could be warm. [Unnessesary repetitive beginning of sentence] She [has] no blanket. The guards [would] eventually remember [to hand one out to her]. [Tempus.. uless the first was a thought. I copy pasted your excerpt in the message field, so I might have lost formating] “The Lord still loves you, Hope.” [Oh my! I'm a very emotional person.. I never have far from tears, but I'll anyway tell you this as a compliment; That little line made it stirr in my tear canal.. no tears but a stirr non the least] [ Hope didn’t attempt to move the next morning when they were assigned to work details. She didn’t blink when the consequences of not working were explained. Jasmine left her in the alcove, still weeping over her losses. Once again, Jasmine sat beside the woman that night, trying to gain her trust. She offered her part of her bread, but she waved it away. The other women prisoners scorned Jasmine’s attempts to ease the woman’s suffering. [The transition is sort of akward.. Jasmine leaves and in the next paragraph she sits next to the woman] ] Hope had decided the day before to turn her back to the wall and at least observe her surroundings. As she thought over Jasmine’s words, the Queen’s guard stepped into view. Jasmine held his gaze and shook her head. He left without a word. [Now I really wanna know why the guard is there, and leaves withouth a word.. Is it to see if jasmine has given up her faith yet?] After a moment of silence, Jasmine grew curious. “You wanted to see me, Marcus?” He nodded. “I wanted to tell you...your friend died today.” [Oh no! =/] “She...she died with a smile on her face.” [rumble in sensitive tear canal]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:20:17 -0600

Ouch.. I was to slow.. and now I need to go... How do we fix this?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:54:09 -0600

"Steven had a hunch that some legitimate hotel cleaners that he and Derik didn’t know about, but he’d never been able to prove it." This might be a typo. Some legitimate hotel cleaners did what? Rather than saying flashback and then writing the flashback, you should write it from the point of view of him remembering, or break it up with a new chapter or something. Anything but saying "flashback." Anyways, looks like a sad sad story, and it was very easy to read and engaging. Nice excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:19:48 -0600

@aaalllyyysssaaaaa "Fury read his letter again, scrutinizing it from every angle he could think of." Letters still read the same, no matter what the angle is. If you mean that he tries to reread it keeping different possible meanings of the words in mind, you might want to specify that. "Blimey, and he had forgotten his notes in the car… Meanwhile, on the twenty-third floor, an austere looking woman sat in an austere looking office" Since you're changing points of view, you might want a scene break between those sentences. Otherwise it's not clear that there is a spatial as well as mental break. "She picked up a strange device that turned out to be a phone" I realize that you want to set this apart as a unique time and place, different from what we know, but since this is from Ms. Rosetta's POV, the device will not look strange to her. To her, it would just be her phone. If you want to really show the impressions of someone who is unfamiliar with that place, do it during a scene that takes place from someone else's POV. Also, instead of just saying 'strange device,' describe how it is strange. Why would the reader find it unexpected that it's a phone? Overall, I think you need a bit more description of what this place looks like. Otherwise, this was an intriguing excerpt. Nice set up of the two characters: it is obvious that Dominic Fury is in it in pursuit of academic ideals, and Ms. Rosetta knows that there is something else going on. The tension is there, but you might want to take it up a notch or two. You mention Ms. Rosetta's look of triumph, but a couple of subtle hints as to what the danger really is might help. You don't have to give away what it is yet. Ideally, the reader should be mentally screaming at Dominic not to take one step further. Good start, though!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

jackshannon — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:39:01 -0600

I liked your excerpt, but it was somewhat confusing and maybe a we bit too long?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:45:44 -0600

I got skipped.. =/

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:50:01 -0600

@bobo_the_bard Your story is still as entertaining as ever! The only thing I can spot right now is that you say the chest is too dark for Margaretta to be inspecting her nails and yet, you have Destiny regarding her face and how its changed. All in the same too-dark-to-see chest. I think you may want to fix that later on. Otherwise, it looks great!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:53:36 -0600

@jackshannon Your excerpt reads really quick and is very clear in describing Streg's thought process but I'm curious as to who's speaking. You have quotations which would indicate there is a speaker and yet you don't name one. Also, for an excerpt to would be nice to have something with a bit more meat to it so that we have a chance to get a good feel for your writing style, the characters, and the plot.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:55:28 -0600

@fni I will Nanomail you my critique. Think it will be easiest that way!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:58:07 -0600

That is splendid! You're an angel. Gotta run again but will be checking my inbox when I get back home! Cheers!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:11:22 -0600

corelle: I thought your excerpt was very well-written and engrossing. Tannis's obsession about his father reads loud and clear, almost erotic and kind of disturbing. I believe that's what you were aiming for--if so, good job! The only detail that irritated me was I felt there were too many "his father"s, especially when it's made clear that Tannis doesn't call Cole "Father." Does he call him Cole and then think about him as "Father"? I was really intrigued by the description of Tannis's "classes in youth," and I wish there was more information about Tannis and Cole's line of work. I would be really interested to see where the story goes, both with the supernatural bounty hunter theme and the relationship between Tannis and Cole.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sdv0390 — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:21:32 -0600

@aiuku wow, that was really engrossing. I was thrown off at first because I didnt recoginze any place-names but now its obvious why haha. I would definately read your book if I saw it on a shelf somewhere.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:32:08 -0600

Thanks for critiquing! Slightly erotic and definitely disturbing is exactly what their relationship is. Poor unknowingly twisted men. XD You're absolutely right about how Tannis thinks of Cole. Tannis only refers him as Father within his head, and not always then. And since the story sticks close to Tan's thoughts and emotions, this is made clearer as the piece progresses. In his head Tannis switches between Father and Cole depending on the situation, and thinking of the man as 'Cole' creates separation within Tan's head that allows his emotions toward his dad to get out of hand, becoming a part of the problem toward the middle of the story. Basically, he briefly lets himself forget that Cole is his Father. At any rate, as long as I'm careful it should all be made clear just a bit further in the story. As is what they do for work.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

jackshannon — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 19:30:58 -0600

[quote=corelle] @jackshannon Your excerpt reads really quick and is very clear in describing Streg's thought process but I'm curious as to who's speaking. You have quotations which would indicate there is a speaker and yet you don't name one. Also, for an excerpt to would be nice to have something with a bit more meat to it so that we have a chance to get a good feel for your writing style, the characters, and the plot. [/quote] There is no plot. The characters are dreadful. My writing style is like the mental dynasty of the criminally insane.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:28:50 -0600

@-sdv0390 - Alright, to start with, I think that this has the potential to turn into a very suspensful scene. It allready has the suspence, but a few things threw me off. 1. Try not to repeat significant words to close to each other.. Ex: Footsteps.... but as actual shuffling footsteps. or ..she couldn't see the top stairwell...shadow thrown against the bare wall of the stairwell. 2. How does she judge the shadow to be a man's? I for one do not have that ability, unless it's a really distingued shadow perhaps.. 3. A fresh crop of gooseflesh erupted on Caroline’s arms.. This to me sounds weird.. why not just say she got gooesfles/goose bumps? A fresh crop makes me think of harvest and fields of barely or perhaps apple trees.. 4. some word choices.. mind --> perhaps switch to instinct. swam --> perhap dissapeared from her eyes. There was a creak above her head and then another. [Footsteps.] The sound continued down the upstairs hallway until she no longer heard them as creaking floorboards but as actual shuffling [footsteps]. The person stopped at the top of the stairs and she could hear heavy breathing. From where she was standing she couldn[']t see the top [of the stairwell], but she could see a man’s shadow thrown against the bare wall [of the stairwell]. He didn’t move and neither did she. Her [intinct] screamed at her to run, to get out of the house and away from this unknown man. "Sir? I was just going to-“ Her words were cut off as the man on the stair let out a high-pitched maniacal laugh. [A fresh crop of gooseflesh erupted on Caroline’s arms -- this is unessesary wierd..] and the hair on the back of her neck stood up. Caroline took an unconsious step backward, towards the door. Her green eyes had grown large with fear and her heart was once again pounding. The headache, which had been fading returned with a vengeance and sent a lance of pain through Caroline’s head and for a second her vision [swam.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sdv0390 — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:33:30 -0600

Thanks! I didn't realize I was using word so closely like that. Now that I look back over it, it seems really obvious. I didn't think about the shadow thing either. Looks like I have work to do.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:38:21 -0600

No problem. I accidentally do that all the time.. It's easy to get blind when reading your own text. That's why it's so good with a fresh pair of eyes. Good luck with the rest of NaNo

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Feral — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:40:33 -0600

@fni I thought your excerpt was very captivating, and wasted no words. Good descriptions without my short attention span trying to wander elsewhere! You've got great dialogue, and even from that short bit, I feel like I know your characters just that little bit better.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:48:13 -0600

Thanks you Feral. I think I'll shut my computer now and let those words be my pillow. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:58:04 -0600

I know, I know, you can't get the full story from 1000-odd words. :P I figured that might be what was happening in Tan's mind. You hit the nail right on the head! It was disturbing, but like watching a car accident, I was kind of fascinated and horrified at the same time. Definitely put me on the mailing list for when you finish, because I...really want to know what happens next.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:58:55 -0600

Thanks a lot! That's like...the best thing you could say to me.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:28:05 -0600

@Feral: I can't see your excerpt. You need to put some information in your profile; as is, when I click on your username, it only goes back to the dashboard.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:29:41 -0600

Are you saying they might take the word "angle" to mean the literal angle at which he reads it? Or am I misunderstanding? Maybe I'll reword that anyways... Also, what do you mean by scene break? I apologize if that's a stupid question. I've never written a novel before, and this is all new to me. I agree that the transition could be confusing. I didn't like the "turned out to be a phone" line either. Out it comes. Anyways I'm so pleased to hear that you caught what was going on with the characters so well - it's so hard to know if stuff like that is working when I never have feedback from someone unfamilliar with the story. And I'll definitely try to up the tension. Man, you are helpful. Thanks so much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theordinarywings — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:01:28 -0600

Annie- The characterization is done beautifully, there are very distinct lines drawn from person to person, and that's more than just surface level. You do have some repetition of the word "rock" that put me out a bit at the beginning, but your dialog was so beautifully done I didn't mind it for long. I didn't understand all of it, but that's just context and would be fine once this was embedded within the 50k, I assume. I don't care for the use of parenthesis, but to each their own. All in all, supremely well done, I'm very interested in your story!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:14:26 -0600

@theordinarywings Corruption! Intrigue! Seen through the eyes of an outsider to the power! I liked it. (What no exclamation point?) You have very crisp imagery and are able to turn a phrase very well. I wondered about an intangible explosion, but the images flowed from the subsequent descriptions. Samantha seems, in the little bit you have, to be every bit the teenage girl on the fringes of power. Her sigh felt spot on, as did her consideration of the social circle she occupied as a result of her status. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theordinarywings — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:17:13 -0600

Thank you! I was hoping it came across as that the intangible explosion was the panicked emotions regarding the interruption. There was no bomb, at least not that time. Anyhow, thank you so much, it's lovely to hear that I'm not writing non-sensical awful-ness :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:21:11 -0600

Ha! Yeah, it almost tripped me up but tying the detonator as the emotions/panic, and people in ball gowns as the shrapnel, really worked.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:22:45 -0600

@theordinarywings I love the name Samantha Jane! Perhaps reword your opening sentence to something like "a shrill cry of a bomb threat." While I like the term "uninvited guest," it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the sentence. There seems to be a misplaced comma by "No fire lit." Tell me more about this scene. How fast did the people flee? How fast did the cars pull up? And what did security do? Okay, so how did this President get elected to the US for four terms? They're only allowed to serve for two now. While I understand your need to focus on your main character, starting out with "another time the alarms screamed" doesn't let me know if this took place before or after the party I just read about. The first time I read it, I assumed before. Now I think it was after. "The stars had caught in her brown hair." What? Tell me more about the party. What it looked like before, and whether Samantha Jane liked all the fuss or if she hated it because her father wasn't there for the bazillionth time. I like your ending paragraph, because I know from your synopsis that it's going to change very soon. :) Intriguing idea!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:31:28 -0600

*reads other review* Hmm. Maybe I just didn't get your writing style. Sorry. :(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:35:12 -0600

No, yours is probably more helpful. I seem to be coming down a smidge peppy these past few days.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theordinarywings — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:36:46 -0600

The issue of Mr. Irving's election is solved a bit into the novel. He's amended the Constitution, with the help of a full Congress of his political affiliation, to allow for infinite terms and has cheated each election to ensure his victory. That's a major plot point that's not expanded upon yet because Samantha Jane has to figure it all out. Thanks on account of her name, too, it's been a great way to add to my word count (plus it just sounds like a socialite). I was hoping that the prose would make it seem like the party is happening out of focus, a blurry event that serves as the backdrop for her entire adventure. It does change very soon, fifty pages in she's camped out in a tent, not having showered for two weeks. As to the first sentence, the concept of 'fine' is central to the novel. What is fine? And in what ways is it relative? Her life, all luxury and glamour, is fine until it's nonexistent, and then camping in a tent becomes fine because at least she is free. I used your criticisms well, I hope, to address the less clear/erroneous parts of the synopsis. Thank you very much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:37:49 -0600

Not to say yours wasn't peppy! You offered a better appraisal. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

asmodea — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 23:41:41 -0600

@Wilson3sd: Hah! I loved your starting sentence. I was like, "Huh? What? HE has tits?" I had to keep reading because it was just so baffling, and then I was hooked on the clear and interesting voice. Some of his descriptions/ way of thinking is truly very amusing (e.g. the chicken nuggets). Only suggestion is that perhaps you can cut off some of the narration between the introduction of the main character (the "he had tits" part. Haha.) and the class where he is hearing the unusual sound. Get to the good stuff right away; the narration can wait till later. Also, about the part where he was thinking, for some reason, it feels slightly awkward somehow (I'm sorry I'm not too specific! :'D) and I think it would be better if you used italics in your actual draft than quotation marks. Finally, I feel that the rhythm of your voice can be slightly the same at times, so perhaps varying it slightly might make it flow better at parts. Overall though, I liked it! Your voice is very interesting. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 08:21:00 -0600

[quote=jackshannon] There is no plot. The characters are dreadful. My writing style is like the mental dynasty of the criminally insane. [/quote] Ah, you sound like me. I feel like that on and off as I write, no matter how well it could be going. Streg at least does not sound dreadful. He's colorful with a definite personality that resonates well in the narrative. As he's the only character introduced in the excerpt, I'm not sure about the others but I do doubt they're as bad as you may think. For plot, if you're feeling lost you could try asking yourself questions about your characters. Why they do and think what they do. How did they get to where they are. Where are they going. Answer what you can and don't sweat over what you can't. The same with the actual writing. Your style is what it is, there's no fighting it and it works for you. My writing is the same in that I have a bit of a unique style and there've been plenty of people that didn't care for it but it's mine and it works for me. Just get out what you can and don't worry about writing it quickly. Even if it is NaNo-season. XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:13:38 -0600

*waves* I got skipped. And Asmodea needs a review.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:42:30 -0600

@ - asmodea: I liked the conflict -- the draught -- the son that is to naive to take over the throne. =) Poor papa King! here are some suggestions I have for you; I didn't get a sence of weather the MC of your story was king Zerian or his son Delos, untill Delos rushed out of the king's study.. I think in part it was the fact that I was seeing throw both their eyes.. and some of the adjectives you choose.. EX: "his hard-lined face unreadable"... made me thing someone was judging his facial expressions.. I would also suggest to start the quotes on a new line. instead as tagging them to a previous paragraph You are using allot of adjectives, and it slows down your story, as well as makes the sentences very long. I would suggest giving the reader a bit more freedom to use their own immagination: EX:Despite his [bristly] beard and [tall, heavy] build, Delos was only past his twenty-fifth name day, yet he held himself with a confidence that few would have been able to manage under the king’s [hard] gaze. He wore a mantle of [dark sable] fur over a [silk, black] tunic embroidered with [fine] silver thread. [Heavy] rings inset with [colorful] gems adorned several of his fingers, and a [golden] band around his temples with a [dark] amethyst that that hung between [thick, low] brows.. [Thick, dark black] hair ended in curls at his [strong] jaw, set [firmly] and tilted [high and proudly] as he looked up at his king with [dark, defiant] eyes Show don't tell: You clearly tell why the kingdom can't afford to go to war. That gives a great picture of the country. But it would be even better if the king says it -- not you as a narrator. : "The country [cannot] afford a war[.] [N]ot now when [we are] struck with [this] drought[.]......."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:43:54 -0600

I would do yours too, but I allready did yeasterday.. =/

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 12:02:57 -0600

streamergurl: I'm going to be honest: I'm not a religious person. I find preachy books irritating, and I tend to roll my eyes at overly sappy mentions of God. There was a little of that in your excerpt--it's stated that Hope died smiling because she accepted God's forgiveness, when I feel like there was no persuasive pivotal moment that made Hope believe God will actually forgive her. In my mind, she died with a smile on her face because she was finally rejoining her husband and son. In another light, in this prison, faith is obviously the only thing Jasmine is clinging to, and she's hoping to share that faith with others, and I understand that. I would have liked to see, however, some evidence of Jasmine actually clinging to her faith. She seems pretty blasé about being in a prison. I found the dialogue a little stiff in some places: "You lie. You are at peace. You suffer torment no longer." It reads like a Biblical passage instead of a distraught woman, and it makes me feel like the whole scene is less than realistic. I'd like to see more of the grimy, unpleasant detail of the prison as well, more description of the work detail--which, I'll admit, is probably in the rest of your novel. :) What really interested me was the mention of Jasmine's mother in the very last line. It's not till then that I got the feeling that there was more story behind Jasmine than just her love for God (and that she was going by a fake name, the reason for which I hope is also explained in the rest of the book)--it seemed like her entire purpose was to be a missionary, converting first Hope then Marcus into the Lord's children. From your synopsis, your book seems to be more like a love story and triumph over adversity with learning to accept faith as a secondary goal. I feel like your excerpt wasn't representative of the story that I was expecting--I would have liked to see Jasmine's pivotal moment where she accepted her faith, or when Trevor convinces her of the strength of his love, either of which would be more compelling to me than a scene with no emotional involvement. BUT I have to admit I'm probably not your target audience, and so you can feel free to take my critique with a grain of salt or even ignore it entirely. If I read your synopsis on the book's back cover, I would pick it up and look inside; but if your excerpt was what I read on the inside, I would probably not buy the book. Reading this over, I feel like I've been really harsh--I'm sorry! For what it's worth, the excerpt was well written and well constructed. Your concept is an interesting one, and dealing with faith is a tricky issue, and not something everyone can agree about. For myself, I would have liked to see more of your characters and less of the Lord.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 12:42:32 -0600

Thank you! I dealt with other prison details and Jasmine's own feelings in my last excerpt. Someone else suggested this probably wasn't a good representation of my book, and I thought I'd keep it up unless that opinion was verified by at least one more person. I do explain why she was in the dungeon, what her mother's guard is doing there, and why she's going by a different name -- at a different part of the book. I realize not everyone's religious, and I try to make my stories enjoyable for others who do not share my faith. Yet I do have moments like the excerpt I have posted. I try to do it in a way where people don't roll their eyes and go "geez, faith again? Get on with it!" I read Christian books that have moments that I have a hard time not skipping because I know the material they're relaying. And if I, as someone who shares the author's faith, have a hard time reading the passage, I know non-believers have a harder time reading, understanding, or enjoying it. So, sorry if you rolled your eyes too much during all this. I do respect your opinion, and thank you for sharing it in an honest manner. *searches for different excerpt* Hmm...love story or intense moment?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Feral — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:06:48 -0600

Well that's weird, I can see it just fine.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:08:02 -0600

There was only a moment or two of eye-roll, I promise. I was a little taken aback when I realized what the subject of the excerpt was, but it was for the most part tastefully done and acceptable in the situation (sitting in prison). I skimmed the rest of the thread and I saw this was a second excerpt, so it's clear that the faith issue is a secondary goal or important subplot rather than the chief meat of the story, and I didn't immediately catch on to that, being a new jumper-inner on this thread. :) If I were to choose another excerpt to read, I think I would go for an intense moment.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:16:03 -0600

I was skipped AGAIN... Bah.. I'm starting to sigh at this tread.. @ aiuku -- You handle dialogue well, and I'm intrigued by this little conversation. That being said the genre isn't my favourite so I'd probably need a little more in the excerpt to actually go "Oh Mn, I need to see what happens!" Work on making the speakers less of bobbing heads in space.. It's a short snap shot of your story so I can't possible judge if this is a consistent thing or not, but I'm lacking abit of scenery and bodies.. This lines stood out as a little weird to me: The Trader was pale. She said, after a tiny pause[;] "Impossible." Her fist flew up to thump against the screen. (Why not write The trader was pale. After a tiny pause she said; "Impossible." or even. The trader was pale. "Impossible," she said after a tiny pause.) I'd suggest to use semicolon before the quote when you don't start the quote on a new line EX: The Trader, her anger spent, let her hand fall back to her side and said, with steel in her voice[;]"It couldn't happen. Especially not to Roth. If you knew how much he loves his life—loves space..."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:24:33 -0600

@fni So sorry you got skipped! I know how frustrating that is! You have "planed" instead of "planned," just before the sentence that you mention a possum. I have no background for your story, so it took me a bit to understand what was happening. I like the mention of the futuristic compartment, the "glow" compartment, etc. Why doesn't the dude want to shoot the girl, but has a gun anyway? Who is the immortal dude? Why is this dude chasing him? What is the girl's connection to both of them? And WHY did you end your excerpt with an unfinished sentence? I have no answers, but I still want MORE. :) --- Changing my excerpt now. Will go back to the original dungeon scene if this one doesn't work. Let me know if it's too intense or just right.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:27:31 -0600

@aiuko: It took me a little while to get oriented in the excerpt -- like Rezi, I was wondering how DSD could be "new" in a science fiction setting with a lot of space travel. But once I realized I wasn't the only suspicious one, I found it fascinating -- especially with the race/class conflict you seem to be exploring. @fni: You've got some nicely written action and dialogue here -- Laura's thoughts with the gun on her strike me as particularly well written. In an out of context scene like this, Lui's shift from placating to violent strikes me as a little sudden, but again, that could be simple context. I'd read it over for misplaced commas, and a few of the adjectives might be a little excessive ["immense sensation of horror" jumps out at me], but I do rather like your pacing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:44:35 -0600

Yeah, I've been noticing that I'm lacking a little on the description. Something I'm definitely going to work on come revision time. I chose this excerpt because it succinctly encapsulated the plot and left a little mysterious hook, but it also is mostly dialogue and not a lot of "hello, this is sci-fi, we are in a spaceship." I also see your point about the "pause" line. I'll review yours too: It was a good piece of action and suspense. You did a good job of hooking me in and making me want to know more. Especially ending on an interrupted sentence! I was tripped up by some of your word choice--you can't tremble a sentence, and are opossums really known for being still? When they're playing dead, maybe--still as an opossum playing dead. I had to look up the word "anoesis" which kind of took me out of the story--I know it would mean sacrificing that lovely line of "washed up on the shore" but why can't you simply say "her mind went blank"? Also, you wrote "glow compartment" instead of "glove." All in all, I want to know more about your story--so I consider your excerpt a success.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:57:08 -0600

Thank you streamergurl. Haha the glow compartment was supposed to be glove compartment.. haha I'm both dyslexic and writing in my second language =) But it makes for good fun, befopre it's fully proof read. The excerpt finish there, because in next breath Laura cut him off. Saying "Rightfully so." and then biting herself in her lip. To be continued. Will have a look at the dungeon scene when I'm back from my forced exercise.. Some room mates just don't understand that it's November ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:00:35 -0600

Thak you. I'm trying to creat confusion as to what really happend. Obviously i want Laura to freak out, but then as the car ride goes on starts to think that perhaps Lui isn't the bad guy after all.. I've made some changes since the version you read and I hope that Lui's shiftieness (if that's even a word), is less BAM! The immense sensation of horror - line has been scrattched. Thank you again!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Evergreenf — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:07:07 -0600

Great intro. I really loved it, but maybe conjure a few more sentences, when she sees that gun, about how much she wants to live. Describe her family a little bit, like "I didn't want to die. I wanted to see my mom's smiling face again, hear my dad's gruff voice, have one more argument with my sister. The only thing I could think of was, "Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die." Adds suspence and a bit of background. But really, awesome excerpt!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:14:20 -0600

@Evergreenf: I'm guessing this is likely the beginning? You've got some rather vivid description of the engravings, and of the dripping water, and you've raised the question of what your narrator is doing here -- particularly since they've given us no hint. The interchange with the guard moves a little quick -- there's no context for it, and without that I feel kind of like you're trying to tug my heartstrings before I get to know the character, so if nothing else I'd rather know a little more about your narrator before he raises the club.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:15:04 -0600

Haha. Wondered if that was a typo or not. Yeah, my parents don't understand that it's November, and the dishes can wait -- regardless of Thanksgiving! Since you have said you will review it, I will wait and not pout that I was skipped. Let me know what you think!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:21:51 -0600

@Evergreenf What a synopsis! I'm immediately drawn to the idea. First paragraph could use some tweaking. If no one knows about the prison, then no one would really care about the cell. But after that paragraph, I was hooked. :) Delete "lower," not needed. "Again it was raised, and again it fell." Had to read this twice before I realized you meant the club. Awesome excerpt, but I want to know the character's name. What is this person's power? How were they discovered? And are they going to be locked up there for the rest of their lives? Why do they want to break the mutants? Tell me more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bobo_the_bard — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:43:55 -0600

@streamergurl In that one middle bit, where Monique is struggling to accept the fact that Jasmine is going to be punished, you might want to make those paragraphs more concise, especially since she goes No. No. several times. It gets a bit repetitive. The shock would have more impact if it came suddenly, when she recognized Jasmine and realized the full perfidy of the Queen, than if it was drawn out. Otherwise, I like what you have here. Not much else going on, since this is a shorter one, but I would like to see more of the explanation behind Caleb's motives. That is, what is so important that he can let his sister get beaten one day, even if it pains him deeply?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:51:35 -0600

Yeah, it does get a little repetitive. Sorry. I'll try and tweak that. See, Monique has already tried to talk to the Queen and find out where Jasmine is. The Queen basically told her to mind her own business, and her husband wasn't the King yet, and she'd hate to see anything happen to them to make them lose the crown when they were so close to attaining it. Caleb's waiting because he doesn't want to tick off his mother. If she wanted, she could make it impossible for him to inherit the throne, leaving one of his four brothers up for the job. And his wife's already been warned about it, so he's being careful. Sorry, thought all that was clear in the snippet. I'll check that, too. Thanks for your feedback!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:06:03 -0600

Bobo: I'd have to say that I'm intrigued at the nature of the deal that Metallica made and her motives on why she made it. And who says the Grim Reaper needs a cool name? Eddie is as good a name as any. The possession process seems to go a little quickly, like "poof" and it's done. What, no struggle? No choking of gas?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:16:42 -0600

@ bobo-the-bard -- I like where your story is going =). I did'nt read your synopsis so that was an utter surprice. Ok here's a suggestion: They are in some dark place were you can't barely see anything? But still "I" can see Margaretta inspect her nails.. Why not make it a slighetr less dark place, and add some more visual cues. Facial expressions and the like. It's a bit "dialogual". PS : "Grim Reaper’s name is Eddie?” Cute. @ - Dennis D A moving island -- interesting... is that part of the plot.. or just islands moving in the world where this occurs? Don't leave out the story about the farm! It would be much more interesting to hear it first hand. Does THAT have anything to do with your plot? I feel that I have no idea what is happening in your story.. @- Streamergurl -- I'm back home. Will e-mail you yours ASAP!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dennis Dunjinman — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:21:20 -0600

It's more of a gruesome discretion thing. The kids present are in the woods telling campfire stories, and the farm thing isn't totally relevant. It's the next story that is plot-relevant, because my excerpt is part of the frame story. Besides, you really don't want to know about how things work on a CAFO, in space or not. You'll never eat meat or dairy again.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:35:35 -0600

Iiikes.. Perhaps not write it out then. Better save the reader from throwing up =). Then my suggestion is to mention a bitt more at once that she tells the story: “Maybe I didn’t experience it firsthand, but I’ve heard the stories,” answered Allegra[, and started to retell the horrible stories that a unfortunate survivor of the CAFO had told her.] She [refused to spare any of the gruesome details,] and watched with amusement as Jack and Skerren’s faces contorted into the most terrified and disgusted expressions. or something the like.. I was stumped to miss out on the story, but if I'm told that she tells it I will probably feel differently.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aliaswriter — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:07:54 -0600

I'm noticing many of the same people are getting critiqued numerous times. Are y'all changing your excerpts, or just wanting additional feedback?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:17:29 -0600

Both.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:21:42 -0600

Yup, it's both. We keep changing excerpts and wanting feedback.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:25:13 -0600

*waves at next poster* Fni gets the next critique.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Generaljj2000 — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:42:55 -0600

@Fni There was a lot of variation in the excerpt -- some stuff I wasn't too fond of and other stuff that gave me chills. I felt like you went into detail in some things that weren't necessary. The colour of the car-seat, for instance. While it does give the reader a better picture, I think personally its not needed. At the same time, though, I love the immortality brought up throughout, and the final line was awesome. The dialogue is really realistic and well done, and you do a great job of getting into Laura's head and her completely irrational view of the situation.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:57:43 -0600

Thank you =) Yeah, I'll scratch the cappuccion-colored seats right now.. You're absolutely true.. It's one of those darlings you become so attached to but do better top kill off. I'm glad you saw Laura's irrational view of what happened. To her defence, she hasn't exactly heard god things about Lui before she met him.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Generaljj2000 — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:23:59 -0600

Well, it'd be really interesting to read in context -- what exactly has Laura heard about Lui. Do we as readers know anything definite about him? Who is Laura? These are all things that could drastically change the scene. I love the genre you've set up, by the way. That mix of fantasy and realistic fiction is right up my alley.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:48:54 -0600

I sent you an e-mail not to cause confusion on this sometimes confusing thread. >>> Next up for critique is Generaljj2000! <

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:05:01 -0600

@Generaljj2000 Awesome premise for a book! Just when I'm questioning why you tell the reader the unnecessary information of the resonance of the new glass, you answer it in the next sentence. The line about wasting the King's water to show him made me laugh. I had a little difficulty picturing the purple object that apparently acted like an elevator. But I'm writing my own castle story, and the time difference between the stories were messing with my brain for a bit, so it might not even be your fault. I liked the way you had the broadcasting equipment already in the room, and the conversation between the three of them. The ending sentence was nice. Awesome excerpt!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:37:55 -0600

@streamergurl Woaaaah, that was amazing~! Being a fan of public punishments and their effect on the human mind, the scene completely took me in and... it was beautiful. I loved the pain portrayed, the confusion, the anger. It was exactly what a person would feel, not a two-dimensional character. And then the argument, oh, how troubling for Monique, for surely deep down her, she understands what her husband must mean, about not confronting the mother then. She must have some sort of subconscious inner battle or whatnot. Or perhaps I'm reading too much into this. Eh. Anyways, again, yes, I'd love to read the entire novel =3= <3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:47:25 -0600

You have no idea how incredibly happy reading this review makes me! And if you'd really like to read the whole thing, send me a NaNoMail. I would like feedback on the whole thing once December hits. Thanks so much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mother Goose — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:53:19 -0600

Well Empress - I really enjoyed your excerpt. I'd definitely keep reading to find out the story of the five you painted so well. And when I saw in your profile that you are 14 year old, I was doubly impressed. Good work! Keep going until you're done!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:55:00 -0600

@The Empress I'm instantly amused by the princes! Though it does read very much like a manga and I'm drawing a lot of images of Ouran High School Club to mind. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as the humor and uniqueness of a debated challenge between the princes remain the focus. I just caution you not to go too far into the realm of typical manga. As far as style, you have a great start. Though I would be careful as to how you describe items and actions. You don't want to simply list and tell. You don't appear to be in too much danger of that but I would like to see more descriptions of the setting and the Higher-Ups. And I do hope names come soon as this XD One last thing, instead of repeating variations of 'feminineness' I would suggest describing why the posture he takes upon the chair is seen as feminine. Does he cross his legs weird? Sit dainty on the edge of the chair, balanced light as a feather? Description such as that help to liven up the narration and give a deeper tone to a story. It's a good start and is definitely something I would enjoy for a light-hearted read. Keep going with it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 21:48:04 -0600

@Mother Goose Great excerpt! If it was a bit longer, I could get more of the story. I can tell his dad isn't going to like the answer, but I'm still curious what happens. @corelle Interesting story. The vibe I'm getting is hero worship gone a bit too far. I had to read the paragraph about him sitting on the sink twice before I understood why the porcelin was digging into him. This section made no sense. I tried reading it several times to no avail. "Tannis shudders are they’re absorbed, " Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 21:51:59 -0600

Hero worship is definitely a part of it. Just for the purpose of not leaving you confused the lines are: Four more water trails soak into the towel. Tannis shudders are they’re absorbed, 'they're' refers to the water trails. Thanks for reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:01:35 -0600

*reads lines in context* *still confused* Did you mean AS they're absorbed?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Wanderer — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:07:03 -0600

@Steamergurl: i thought the fact that Caleb's sister being revealed as one of the prisoners was a nice twist. However, I also thought you could have shown the scene through each person, instead of just Monique. After all, Jasmine is Calab's sister. It would be interesting to contrast their thoughts.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:17:36 -0600

@The Wanderer "The executioner is trying desperately to hold his guts inside the huge hole that is now his chest, courtesy of a crossbow bolt. " Would a crossbow bolt make a huge hole? When I imagine a crossbow bolt, I imagine something kind of smaller. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems a bit dramatic to have a single crossbow bolt rip a huge hole in someone. And even if a crossbow would make a huge hole in someone, your guts are in your abdomen, not your chest. It kind of ends at a weird spot. It seems like there should be something else after that. All in all, a great excerpt! Keep it up! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:17:53 -0600

I just totally face-palmed. Hard. Yes. AS they are absorbed. LOL

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:18:42 -0600

That's what I was thinking. As instead of are. Typo!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Quinpilix — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:25:28 -0600

@ Tooterfish: Good stuff. Very classic space adventure, which is left by the wayside a lot nowadays. I like it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:26:10 -0600

LOL. I needed that laugh tonight.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:28:21 -0600

Are you reading my synopsis or the excerpt? lol

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:29:27 -0600

@Tooterfish Creepy excerpt. But I'm still intrigued. Why does the crazy son smell? Why is the prisoner so important to their plans? What is the father hiding from his son? I want to know more. Great job. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:34:23 -0600

@Quinpilix: you don't have an excerpt posted? @Tooterfish: eek, creepy! Quite a contrast to your other snippets. I get the feeling Augur's not all there himself. (I'm missing a bit of context here, I'd guess.) He doesn't use a name for "the boy" at all? The repetition gets a little awkward. I think you could probably cut down the paragraph about the boy's smell, just a bit. The first sentence and the last (first of the next para) are the strongest ones. Two paragraphs in a row starting with "Augur" - a bit awkward also. The last few paragraphs, wow, definitely a hook to read on!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:48:36 -0600

@streamergurl See below re: the smell. :) Imagine a Maury episode: he is....... NOT the father! @anniecolleen Augur's definitely not all there, not by a long shot! He doesn't use a name for the boy because the boy has another role in the story, wherein he is identified by name. I don't want people to know they're the same person yet, though. It's supposed to be an "OMG" moment later in the story. I was trying to figure out another thing to call him in this excerpt, but then I thought "meh, I'll do that in December" and I just used "the boy" so I could finish. He doesn't actually smell... as in, it's not an odor per se. You know how people say you can smell fear? Well he's so batshit insane, other people can subconsciously pick it up and their brain interprets it as a smell. That's why it smells different to different people. Augur smells it as ozone because he doesn't like thunderstorms (ozone is that storm smell). FMC smells it as olives because she thinks olives are gross. So he doesn't actually smell, and that's what I was trying to get across. Hmmm... looks like I need to expound upon it! Thanks for the reviews, both of you! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 06:59:14 -0600

@anniecolleen Great language. You defenately have a destinct style. Though, reading this scen out of context (with only the synopsis as guide) I found it a bit hard to exactly know what was going on, and found the dialogue a bit un-natural. They talked like poetry almost.. I would also suggest to add som "he said" "she said", etc. As a reader you barely read those, but they really help your brain to sort things. If you chose to do so, jank them inbetwen the first natural pause and the rest of the line. EX; "If you chose to do so," Fni said, sighing at her own words. "Jank them inbetwen the first natural pause and the rest of the line." Well done, and good luck with the novel

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 07:52:15 -0600

@fni: I really ike he additions you've added to the excerpt since the last time I read it -- Lui in particular intrigues me as a character now, because the shifts in mood/action feel real and I want to know what's motivating them. Your dialogue is still really nice, as is the way you write action, and this sounds like something I'd love o pick up and read the whole of. [Can we not skip me this time, please?]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

electricbassguy — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 07:59:11 -0600

I’m not homeless, I tell myself as a piercing stream of sprinkler water leaves me soaked yet again. Yes, the main definition of “homeless” (not having a place to live) accurately defines current state, yet this condition is not due to poverty or an inability to find work. It should have been a lot simpler than this. Everything was supposed to fall in place when Louis and I got down to Orange Country. All the pictures, the visions, they were all yet to come true, but moving back to Southern California was supposed to be the launching point. Just the first paragraph here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 08:14:01 -0600

*waves* I was skipped. And Loki needs a review.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 08:52:20 -0600

Thank you =) I'm really glad you like the additions and that Lui seems less whimsical in his mood/actions.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 10:50:55 -0600

@Loki Mischief-Maker I remember your synposis from another thread. I'm still confused about the character acting as the crown prince while in reality a girl, but I'll move on. Okay, cool excerpt. You've explained about some sort of magical bond between a prince and their Gard, their closest friend. You tell about the strange dream and you keep everyone guessing about what it means. You have me intrigued and wanting more. Awesome! @electricbassguy It's hard to give a critique based on just a paragraph. You've started a set up, but leave the readers with more questions. I would suggest finding an excerpt of your work that you feel gives a good representation of your book (or is just a really cool part). Don't post it here, but place it on your profile, under Novel Info. Once you do that, come back and review someone else. We will do our best to return the favor.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:23:32 -0600

*bumps board to first page* Why do my posts always seem to kill the board? LIVE!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:49:10 -0600

streamergurl: I responded a lot better to this excerpt. There was a lot more emotion, and Monique's denial and her subsequent anguish seemed very real and potent. I liked that Monique was willing to talk to the queen herself, and Caleb was hesitant. I feel like description of their surroundings was still somewhat lacking, and would have liked to see more sensory details: the sun was shining, birds were singing, the platform creaked under the weight of the prisoners, etc. Did the prisoners smell? Were their rags burlap sacks or the remnants of finery they had once worn? Do the guards wear armor or regular clothing, does the queen pick up the hem of her skirt while walking on the grass? Including these little details would (for me) paint a more thorough picture. I do think the description of the whipping was terrific (especially, like I said, Monique's emotions). Now, a little nit-picking (which you can feel free to ignore if you're not editing till December): I think "...join their husband in his day-to-day activities" should be "...join their husbands in their day-to-day" or "join her husband in his day-to-day"--just pronoun/antecedent agreement that is mostly optional nowadays. "...the long hair arranged in messy braids showed everyone that even the fairer sex was scheduled for a public punishment today."--the fact that the women's hair was long doesn't prove that they were scheduled for punishment. I would suggest changing this to "They were dressed in rags as well, their long hair arranged in messy braids, but their presence showed everyone that even the fairer sex..." How many sons/daughter-in-laws are there in this kingdom? "Every new daughter-in-law" and "all the other wives" kind of give the impression of a harem, with several wives for one man. And what's the significance (or lack thereof) of the "nine-year anniversary"? I guess what I'm saying is, I want to know more about your kingdom, which is probably detailed in the rest of the book. :P I can't contain my critiques to only excerpts, apparently.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:56:01 -0600

Jasmine has four older brothers, three of which are married, one of whom is a widower. She has an older sister, married as well. I'll tweak that sentence at some point so you get this impression more than a harem. As described in the background tidbit I gave just before the excerpt, Caleb (or one of his siblings) can only take the crown after ten years of marriage. This is described in different parts of the book, but I promise I have covered that part. The nine year anniversary shows they're close to taking over, but the Queen's still in charge. I said all the prisoners were dressed in rags...that included the women. I see your point, though. More tweaking at a later date. *sigh* Thanks for the review. Glad you liked this one better.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:14:48 -0600

I was skimming the thread and was intrigued by your novel info, so I thought I'd critique you a little after the fact. :P One thing that stuck out to me about your excerpt (and your synopsis) was the feeling that I had just jumped into something without sufficient background information, especially about Val's gender and gender identity . I think while that might be difficult to take as an excerpt, it speaks well about the winding-together of the story. I wished I could go back and read from the beginning so I could get the background information about your universe and Val's life in particular. I wanted to know who was in Val's head, and why, so you succeeded in drawing me in with the aspect of the story that you showcased in the excerpt. One nitpick: "Sorry," she mumbled, although he wouldn't need their bond to know she wasn't much. Does this mean she wasn't sorry? The "much" makes for a weird phrase. If you don't want to end just on "wasn't," you could say "...to know that the "sorry" was only a concession to Jen's discomfort" or "...to know that she was only sorry to have made Jen uncomfortable, and not for speaking what was on her mind." But what I really want to critique is your synopsis. Since the thread is called "critique the excerpt" I won't hijack it to critique something else, and you may not even want your synopsis critiqued. Let me know if you do, though, and I will go to town!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ceramiccoconut — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:21:18 -0600

@aiuku Your excerpt has some great descriptions and good dialogue. I'm personally not a fan of the character names (except maybe Satby), but I also can't read high fantasy because of names like that. It's just a personal issue and nothing wrong with the excerpt itself. Nicely written.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:45:29 -0600

@ceramiccoconut Your synopsis promises an interesting story! And so far it is intriguing. A few suggestions: When describing the house, perhaps you could go into just a bit more detail other than simply listing the rooms and their locations. It would bring the place to life. Also, you have a few sentences that you could remove for the sake of flow and not lose clarity. One is - I sat across from her. - it isn't needed since the reader automatically pictures him sitting after she motions for him to, and in this paragraph it feels choppy. Lastly, you don't have to name the religion he's grown up with, people will deduce that themselves, and in fact it may be best not to. This is more personal preference though. While I fully understand that in Fantasy certain religions don't typically exist (at least not under the same name) it is...easier?...that's not the word...but to make the transition with the character from one belief system to the other without it being specifically named. Honestly, it's more of a mental thing. Names are important and trigger many connotations and the reader is more likely to stagger or even halt in their reading if you're too on-the-nose. I'm not sure I'm explaining this in a way that makes sense LOL Like I said though, it's a mental thing. At any rate, I liked the writing and based on the synopsis it's something I would give a go. There's plenty of potential and mystery here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:47:33 -0600

@ceramiccoconut The synopsis was a little confusing. Please clarify just a bit more about what's going on and what will take place. Great excerpt. I followed his questions about faith the best, though I'm still unsure of the entire scenario. Sorry I'm not more help on this. Perhaps someone else can give you a review that's a little more enlightening for you.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:48:46 -0600

manga...? Just kidding, haha! I am a big manga reader, and my writing often portrays the manga feel to it. I mus admit, though, I didn't think about OHSHC when making it, and now that I look closer, yes, I suppose how that tie could be made, haha~! And, no no, this novel shall not be like the typical manga. It is, of course, meant to be a light and humorous read, but not so much that people start thinking about other things while reading my novel. Tut, tut. When they read this, I want them to only think of this. Is that too much to expect? Haha, probably. I gave much more description of the setting and the Higher-Ups earlier on, so, yes, I see how that may be a problem, haha~! As for style, have you read Alex and the Ironic Gentlemen? The author capitalized words for what seemed to be no apparent reason. I now see what she was doing, though, giving feelings like want into some bigger force, like say, 'Want'. See? Bigger letters, bigger impact!... At least for me. Perhaps it's not the same with the others, haha~. And as for names, the Higher-Ups and Watchers don't get them. Unless, of course, you could Stout Man, Rich Man, and Ring Man names...? c: And the repetitiveness was done on purpose to (what's the word?highlight?it starts with an 'e', I think..) the word 'feminine'. But yes, I see where you're getting at, and, now that I look back on it, I seem to be lacking more detail on how she holds herself. Merci for that, corelle~! In a nutshell: Thank you, and yes, Shinee is ama-zing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:49:03 -0600

EMPHASIZE! That's the word I was looking for...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:51:23 -0600

Oh, Mother, thank you so very much c: I will work hard and try to finish it~! And thank you for being impressed about my age, haha! Most think I'm rather mature over the interwebs, so that and my rather eloquent(too eloquent, some say) writing, I suppose I could pass for someone older, oh? Haha~! Thank you very much! I appreciate this *tons*! c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:58:11 -0600

I love the dialogue in your excerpt. I simply adore genius children, whether they be actual human children or not, so the intelligence the little girl portrayed made me smile. Plus, talking about running from The One God and Faith made the one necessary connection to make with the character. I totally understand. What I don't understand is her take on how there is more than the One God, and that made me think. And making me think is good. All in all, it was wonderfully well-written, and though the Excerpt and and Synopsis seem to have but a thin thread of connection, I trust you'll make it work, hm? Lovely~! c: ...I never know how to end these things. Uh, Ta-da!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:23:26 -0600

Augh! Is it the excess of Z's? I know exactly what you mean, I hate fantasy and sci-fi books that have characters named Az'grak and Kyl'zaf, so it really guts me that my names come across like that. It just...came out like that. (The "caste" of people is called Szjid, the planet is Daszjidari, all the Szjid have "szjid" in their names, so there's a lot of repetition of the "szj" letter combination, which I tried to intimate comes from the Russian/Polish-type language of the Szjid.) What do you think I could do to make it less "high"? Get rid of the "szj"s?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:28:12 -0600

Ugh, that'll teach me to skim the intro. Sometimes I'm just a bad reader. :P I'm sorry if my critique came across as overly critical or bossy--your characterization is good, and the plot solid. I think since I'm conscious of a lack of description in my own writing I want more of it in other people's.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:57:09 -0600

OK i'd be interested to know you guys' thoughts on this. It's set in a post revolutionary England. Harper is a detective who is meeting his mate from his old army unit, who has asked to see him. The lad joined the army at 16 after his family were made refugees by the opposing army which consisted of rich people. The two men ordered pizza. It had been a long time since Harper had had pizza, and the pizza from this place was particularly good. Across the room, there was a lesbian couple kissing; at least that would give him something to look at, as discreetly as possible, while his friend went to the toilet and he waited for his jug of water and People’s Cola. Was the drinks cabinet a Chippendale? Harper had often wondered that on his visits here. Perhaps he would ask. The expropriation of posh furniture to venues such as this was a final fuck-you, a constant, painful reminder to the Defeated of their total and utter defeat. “Business is good,” Matty said, lowering his voice dramatically. “I was working for our overseas department for several years, actually; I was in Egypt. Came back here a few years ago and I’ve been working mostly on the anti-terrorism side.” The jug of water appeared in front of them while Matty was talking. “We uncovered three plots this year,” Matty said, his voice barely audible. “All planned by neo-Nazis. It was very fortunate we stopped them, as they could have killed a lot of people.” Harper nodded. He was hungry, but he also wanted to listen to his friend. “Of course, we only come on most people’s radar when we fuck up,” Matty said. “Would be nice to have some more recognition – you know how that feels. Of course you do.” Of course he did. Even under the current government, there were few stories praising the bravery of the police. It was only when some twat decided to go mad with the pepper-spray or if they lost a computer with thousands of suspects’ details that they were ever really discussed, or that was how it frequently seemed. “Well, they never really knew how they felt about us workers in uniform,” Harper said. “Publically, that is. They want to keep onto their old support group, I think. The people who joined at the beginning and never left.” “Ah, yeah,” Matty said. “Fuck the pigs, man. The petty-bourgeois twats. Good at talking the talk. Where were they when we put our lives on the line so their kids could have a future? Nowhere to be seen, that’s where.” “I don’t know about that,” Harper said. “A lot of people just never rid themselves of that old suspicion. Old habits are the hardest, and all that.” Matty looked unconvinced. “I guess.” “Your pizzas, comrades,” the waiter said. “If you want refills, by the way, that’ll add 40p to your bill. And dips are another 20p.” “So 60p each? Not bad, eh,” Matty said. “Yeah, we can do that. Go on.” He turned back to Harper. “It’s great to see you after all these years, Matty,” Harper said. “But was there a reason you wanted to visit me today?” He kept his voice low, and waited until the waiter had moved out of earshot. His friend’s voice dropped so that Harper had to strain to hear what he was saying. “I heard you’re investigating the Simon Beauville murder,” he said. “I’ve been following it. There’s a lot more to that case than meets the eye. I knew him once, mate, after I got that transfer back to the North, back to the refugee camps. I never got over that. All that time spent keeping them happy – how many? A few hundred thousand of them? And we made our own wait. That was the only time I questioned what we were fighting for.” Harper nodded. Matty’s family had had to wait until two years after the war to get a house. Others had had to wait three or four years. Seeing the defeated move back into their houses, as tiny as they were, compared to before – three, six months after the war, had always made him furious, despite the fact that he knew the Party had done this partly for logistical reasons and partly to ensure the ceasefire was permanent. “I know,” Harper said. “I don’t care where he was born, he was one of us,” Matty said. “He hated them. Especially when we were stationed in the camps, seeing the poor sods come in with just the clothes on their backs. He was slightly older than me. Not as old as you, though. Even then you were an old man.” He laughed. “Sorry, mate.” “Anyway, I only knew him for a few months; he got a transfer somewhere else. Saw him once after that, got transferred to Guildford for a few weeks when it was about to fall – we sang all the way down, we knew it was almost the end by that point, and then two months later, they surrendered. You must have felt the same. I saw him at the barracks, we shared a beer, but he’d changed. Something had really got to him; he just sat there.” He took a deep breath. “He was one of us, mate. But I weren’t sure about the girl. She was all right, she was a comrade. But there were some things. She was his teacher, for fuck’s sake. He was really into her, wanted to marry her, but I thought she was using him.” He shook his head. “It’s a very murky business,” he said. “I don’t envy you.” “What was her name?” Harper said, feeling cold. “Marie,” Matty said. “Marie Vaughan. He was mad keen on her but I didn’t rate her myself.” So she had lied to him. She had continued to see him; they had had a relationship. “This pizza’s not bad, is it?” Harper concealed his surprise. Matty shook his head. “Pretty good, eh?” He put a forkful into his mouth, then looked Harper in the eye. “Be careful, eh, comrade,” he said. “My gut feeling when I heard about it was that it could be bad. Really bad.” “I got that feeling from Kelly, or he wouldn’t have put me on the case,” Harper said. “What gives you that impression?” Matty looked startled. “About fifteen years ago, when I started working for WSS, this bloke who’d been an officer, quite high up in the Party, was found dead from an overdose. It was recorded as a suicide, but nobody was sure. When this came out... let’s just say I had some suspicions. The old intuition.” “What was his name?” “Dave Revins,” Matty whispered. Harper had heard the name before. Was he approaching some kind of breakthrough? “They kept it quiet, mate. Real quiet.”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 18:02:24 -0600

@yaasehshalom You can upload the excerpt to your profile; that way, you don't have to put up a huge long post. Also, you're supposed to critique streamergurl's excerpt before anyone else will critique yours! :P Click on her avatar and it will take you to her profile. Click on "Novel Info" tab and read the excerpt there, then critique it here. After that, we'd be glad to critique yours. ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:13:11 -0600

I wouldn't worry too much about your story reading like a manga, it was just something I wanted to make sure you were aware of (it's easy to get lost in writing and not realize how it's coming across). And readers should definitely only focus on the story they're reading, it's exactly what you should expect and aim for! I think you'll manage that just fine. XD Capital letters do indeed emphasize and are one way to get your point across. It's a convention that I'm using in my novel Being What It Is and one that I enjoy seeing in other novels. I think you're utilizing it well. If you've already gone through and described the setting and all before this excerpt then that makes sense. It's hard to know when reading these excerpts what's already been covered or not lol [OT: SHINee is one of the few groups that has an album I can listen to in its entirety. XD Have you listened to AA yet? They're new and promising.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:22:57 -0600

OK sorry yeah, I dont think I really understood the way this thread worked, i thought you were all talking about something somebody posted a few pages back. I'm about to go to bed now but I will critique it tomorrow if i get time

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:33:57 -0600

thanks, i have done that now, look under streamergurl's post :) I might add some more tomorrow but that what came to mind after a brief read. By the way is there a function on here to edit posts?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:19:44 -0600

No post editing. It sucks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:20:20 -0600

It's all good. A lot of people are confused at first. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

russianfreak373 — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 21:02:00 -0600

ok since the last guy to do one for real just went to bed I guess I'm re-critqueing yaasehshalom's story? relatively good dialect I could picture Matty pretty well(really creepy and raspy), but you could get a bit repetitive with some of your dialogue. I'm not sure I follow the story, but it's only an excerpt so that's okay

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 21:19:04 -0600

@russianfreak373 Your synopsis is interesting and your writing isn't too bad, there are enough descriptions and the dialogue reads well. For the sake of easier reading, I would put in manual paragraph breaks so that there is a blank line in between the paragraphs. You have a few grammar mistakes and word choice mistakes. Andreas nodded[,] quickly regaining his compare [I believe you mean composure] and I didn't plan on letting this family reunion get to [too] touchy. Inhaling slowly[,] I let my mind sink into that warm portion of my brain I had become so accustomed to in the last few months, and[,] like always[,] for a moment my vision became so clear[,] so white and untainted and I knew. loyal[,] little [R]ussian guard away with my back still turned towards the door. I kicked my [C]onverses and swiveled for the big reveal. "An unimaginative question to a unimaginative introduction[,] how fitting. Nice to see you again cuz [I think 'Cous' would be a more accurate abbreviation? Either way, 'cuz' is associated too closely with 'because' it doesn't quite work here.] I smirked folding the twin silver ring clad fingers beneath my chin [This description was very confusing for me. 'Fingers clad in twin silver rings' is a better order that is easier to picture.] @streamergurl still needs a review as well. I don't have anymore time right now, so maybe who ever does mine could do her too? Pull a double?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sovay — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 21:29:24 -0600

I can do two! @Corelle - your excerpt(s) are really tightly drawn, and the tension never breaks, meaning that I wanted to read more, and that's always really nice to see. I also think that this reads in a very lyrical manner - the sentence fluency is perfect. I think the main thing I'd say about your excerpt is that sometimes the simpler phrasing works better. I find that sometimes when we try to find the most arresting descriptions, we end up going in circles and drowning the reader in adjectives! Cutting out some of the adjectives and dramatics would leave you with the bare bones, which are powerful enough in themselves, and from there you could develop the imagery that you really want the reader to hold on to. Two or three key images are a lot more powerful than twenty images - the reader can only pay attention to so much. (: @Streamergurl - the subtext in this passage is perfect. There's so much going on, it seems, behind the characters' dialogue, but their dialogue doesn't give away everything they're thinking. I think from a plot perspective this excerpt is spot on. (: That said, I think more description - showing not telling - would really help it along. You tell me details, but I still can't hold onto a concrete image of what's going on, what things look like, what things sound like. But you have an excellent excerpt on your hands already!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:06:47 -0600

@sovay I like your excerpt, but I want to know more. Why won't the girl's family accept Henry back after he fought in a war. I realize you probably switch back to the restaraunt in the story, but going from sitting down at the table to describing her papa's suits then going on about his lack of wedding ring left me really confused. I need a little more context before I can "get into" your story more. Tell me more about this family, please. I'm curious. Hope this helps! And thanks for your review. Yeah...details my first time through aren't exactly my specialty.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Eilorae — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:29:13 -0600

That's really interesting. I'm not usually into knights, queens, kingdoms and such. But that really caught my attention,

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:31:38 -0600

Since I had my window open for too long... here's a bonus one for you. @sovay - I read your synopsis first, which I felt helped me to understand this scene, and give it significans. I like that I had to look up two words (dingy and sallow), as I'm not native speaker I love whenever I come across a new word.. As long as it's like rasins in a great cookie, it would be fairly obnoxious if I had to look up every second word.. I think that you have an interesting voice, but it feels like the girl in your story is very young. I suppose it's the things she notice and probably the fact that she is in the scene with her folks. ;) I also find, that there's a trend in some parts of your excerpt where it becomes a bit: First I saw this, then that, then this and then that. I'd look closer to these two sentences: Papa glanced outside, [then] at his watch, and [then] said, “I think there’s a restaurant on Round Street that might still be open.” [Here. There's a unnessesary repetition of then almost next to each other.] I sat next to Papa; Mother and Henry sat next to each other. I could smell Papa’s cigarette smoke and the peppermints he liked to suck on, [blending together] into the very fabric of his suits. I could never separate the smoke from the peppermint – they simply [blended together] for me. [blended together used twice, in as many sentences]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

liamarehorselover — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:38:46 -0600

I thought that your excerpt was good, interesting, and it had a hook. I'm not real hip on science fiction, but I've read enough to know that you actually know what you're doing, which is refreshing. A few criticisms. The voice seems a little choppy, and some of the elements were a little confusing right at first. Other than that, I like the concept and the twist on the robots taking over the world theme. An oldie but a goodie.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:51:07 -0600

Note to newer posters: Please include the username you are reviewing in your critique. Makes it easier when scanning to find what you're looking for. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:53:09 -0600

yaasehshalom's post i read the excerpt mostly as a reader, not so much as a critic. really liked the atmosphere - of the general setting, of the pub they're in, of the relationship between the two. the lack of paragraph breaks made me want to just skim the whole thing. a jumbled visual effect immediately translates into a jumbled effect in my brain. maybe that's why i didn't get a good sense of what was going on? decent dialogue. let me go into a bit of detail with the beginning: The two men ordered pizza. It had been a long time since Harper had had pizza, and the pizza from this place was particularly good. [How does he know that if he hadn't had pizza in a long time?] Across the room, there was a lesbian couple kissing; at least that would give him something to look at, as discreetly as possible, while his friend went to the toilet and he waited for his jug of water and People’s Cola. Was the drinks cabinet a Chippendale? Harper had often wondered that on his visits here. Perhaps he would ask. The expropriation of posh furniture to venues such as this was a final fuck-you, a constant, painful reminder to the Defeated of their total and utter defeat. [wow, that's a bit too much information thrown together here. i like how you're trying to 'paint' the place but i guess i could 'see' more if there wasn't so much disparate information. love the people's cola. and "to the defeated of their total and utter defeat is a bit clumsy. once again, if harper had been there on many visits, why hadn't he had any pizza?] “Business is good,” Matty said, lowering his voice dramatically. [why "dramatically"? is he bragging?] It was very fortunate we stopped them, as they could have killed a lot of people.” [that sounds a bit lame. how about "... darn good thing we stopped them. Imagine the carnage if we hadn't."] what love to hear what you think ...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lightfall — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 23:15:38 -0600

@moritherapy You didn't have an excerpt on your profile, but it sounds pretty interesting from the synopsis. @liamarehorselover This sounds seriously interesting, actually. I wanna know what happened. XD The whole thing is pretty well written. I love the interactions between the characters. "Justin grudgingly opened his son's door and showed Roy in, then told him son, “Yell if you need anything.” " That "him" should be a his. "Wyler nodded, then asked, “Cline tell you to come see how long I'll be.” " If that's a question, maybe add a question mark? I notice you use their first names almost exclusively, and fairly few pronouns. I understand there're only male characters, so it could be difficult. Maybe think of other ways to describe them? This is a pretty interesting excerpt, actually. It's a little confusing, but it'd probably make more sense in context.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 23:30:00 -0600

@Lightfall First, please put spaces between your paragraphs for easy reading. Second, I had a hard time remember who Calohan was. But this probably isn't your fault, as I got interrupted more than once reading through your excerpt. I liked the humor, but it didn't flow from your narration as well as it could have. Might need more tweaking. LOVED the ending line!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

jaxxon — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:00:54 -0600

@Steamergurl I appreciated the introduction to get me up to speed. It made reading the excerpt far more telling :) I Was totally impressed with how you were able to to keep the reader in the mindset of the era you were writing in. The voice was completely uniterupted throughout. I have to be honest when I say that I didn't find much in the way of criticism for the dimensions created for your characters. I would have loved to read a bit of text with the Queen's temper to get a full feel for her. I understood she was vengeful, but I would like to truly feel to what degree. I can say with great certainty, that I would probably enjoy going out of my normal comfort zone, as I don't often read Victorian peices, and actually enjoy your story. Now to shake off the whole professionalism....in layman's terms, it was a pretty sweet deal and I think that if I read the whole thing, it would totally kick ass :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

jaxxon — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:01:33 -0600

Sorry I meant stReamergurl :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:06:52 -0600

Thanks! Actually, it's supposed to be medieval times...so I probably need to work on my setting more. :( However, thank you for your review. If you'd really like to read the whole thing, please send me a NaNoMail. I'd like some differing opinions on this once December hits.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

liamarehorselover — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 01:13:43 -0600

Thanks...I put a synopsis in now...probably should have done that before. Though I don't think it's very good, but there we go...Appreciate the feedback.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

liamarehorselover — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 01:24:28 -0600

Okay if I go again? @ jaxxon: Very nice. It grabs you fast, great descriptions. I only have too main problems 1) the fight was too fast and 2) Who is the guy who was dying?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Rinnian — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 04:15:32 -0600

@liamarehorselover Your use of dialogue is amazing. That's my favorite part, really, just the tone your characters use. A story that normally wouldn't be my cup of tea pulled me in and I find myself really wanting to learn more about Jack. Not just what all happened to him, but how he deals with it. It seemed like he was on a bit of a slippery slope, trying to keep himself together but, as other characters noticed, it was more like a matter of time before he lost it. I'm a sucker for that sort of thing. I'm a horrible sadist that way. ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

liamarehorselover — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 04:58:35 -0600

Thanks so much. I appreciate the encouragement, I've always been very doubtful about my skills as a writer. Interestingly enough he loses it in the next scene... Your excerpt is great, and I feel the need to thank you again and again for having a character that actually is capable of using his brain to escape. Also, earning his wings? That's cool. the only criticism I might have is that it's a tad confusing, but I'm sure in context it makes good sense.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 05:43:44 -0600

@ Moritherapy, hi yeah, thanks for that. sorry maybe should have made it clearer, the detective's been unemployed for three years and when he was owrking he went to this pub several times, since hes been on the dole he hasnt been to it at all, but remembers how good it was. as for why matty lowers his voice, he's doing ti coz he's a spy! And doesnt want anyone to know what he's talking about. and i'm not sure how to get paragraph breaks on here, i can do it in word but something seems to go wrong when i paste it into here.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 07:55:26 -0600

Thanks for the review! I do find that as I'm writing I try to describe things so exactly that I end up overdoing it. Which makes it harder to describe stuff later on in a story because I've already used all my good words lol Some of this is just because the image is so clear in my own head that I want it that clear in the reader's, and that I've been told before that I don't give enough details - perhaps this one is no longer an issue? :D Which images did you think worked best?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:03:22 -0600

@yaasehshalom Please insert a space between paragraphs. Makes for easier reading. I like the gentle use of reminders that we are reading about a different war. I see lots of references to the war and a changed world. What in the world is the currency you mention? 40p? 60p? What camp are they talking about? I'm asking questions about the story, which is good. But I'd like to see more about the murder, why the world has changed, and what this "retired" cop is doing to solve the murder. Why is this case the one to bring him back to the force? Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:12:47 -0600

Please critique my excerpt it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:15:43 -0600

@scains Once you critique someone else (person above you, or the last one to leave a review), we will be happy to return the favor. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:24:06 -0600

Oh right I didn't realise that was how it works... sorry =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:34:04 -0600

[quote=streamergurl] @scains Once you critique someone else (person above you, or the last one to leave a review), we will be happy to return the favor. :) [/quote] I have just read your synopsis and your excerpt. =) I can't really critique it at all it was emotional and uncomfortable. I really loved it and I'd love to read the whole thing someday - your plot appears to be truly something worth reading and I loved the setting and the characters. I have no advice to give because everything was perfect for me.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:49:15 -0600

@scains- First, I really like it! Love Arthur, sounds cool. Now, this might be my opinion but after the fist sentence to the first dialogue, maybe say 'had' suchandsuch. Just add that one it just seems to work after the first sentence and two- WORD COUNT!!! Haha. Then I think in the first paragraph or two you have really really really long sentences. I suggest chopping a few of those up. :) Other than that it's great!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:53:00 -0600

[quote=streamergurl] @yaasehshalom Please insert a space between paragraphs. Makes for easier reading. I like the gentle use of reminders that we are reading about a different war. I see lots of references to the war and a changed world. What in the world is the currency you mention? 40p? 60p? What camp are they talking about? I'm asking questions about the story, which is good. But I'd like to see more about the murder, why the world has changed, and what this "retired" cop is doing to solve the murder. Why is this case the one to bring him back to the force? Hope this helps! [/quote] Hi yeah, the 40p and 60p etc are the British currency, but as it is a now Communist country everything has become ridiculosusly cheap. (There are 100p in the pound, but the restaurant they are at is free once a month apart from dips and refills!) Thank you for that, the thing is that this is just one excerpt where his old buddy has come to see him, and the other stuff is explained elsewhere in the book :-) And I will insert spaces in the exerpt, for some reason when I posted it in here it seemed to remove all my formatting (including some sectios that were in italics). Thanks for that :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:56:32 -0600

Thanks! Send me a NaNoMail if you're interested in reading the whole story once December hits. :) And don't worry -- the more you critique, the better you will get. Just talk about what you see, what you like and don't like, and move on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:57:25 -0600

Thank you, I think I agree with the shorter sentences it will probably help the action flow better. And yes, I noticed what you mean about 'had' now reading through it again. That would most likely help too. Thank you very much! Oh, and I'm glad you liked it =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:59:32 -0600

'Welcome! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 09:19:25 -0600

@ominousrain Fellow long excerpter! I salute you! But seriously, I enjoyed it and fantasy (elves) isn't usually my thing. I think some formatting would help break up some of the dialogue. I got tripped up in a few places. The grammar was tight and the use of italics to offset thoughts really helps the overall flow. I love the last image of hiding in fear, covered in leaves, with just enough of an arm loose to wield a weapon. Great excerpt! For whoever's next, mine is tangentially related to the overall story. It is a bit of stuff about Bobby's mom and dad. A few choice words are scattered around. On another side note, since it's Turkey day here in the US, I'd like to say thank you to all who have posted and critiqued. I have deeply enjoyed reading and considering the input of others. This thread has been just the thing I needed to keep writing. Just good, solid, constructive criticism with a dash of pep! Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 09:49:15 -0600

This is totally off topic but maybe no one'll notice, bahah~ Ah, for me it's BigBang and Suju, haha! Actually, I've been changing more towards the Jrock area instead of Kpop, so I haven't heard of the rookie groups. I just listened to a song by AA and saw some pictures... my my. Quite the cuties. *squeeeeeal*. Hahah~! I seriously need to get back to the Kpop genre,shgjsdg! Hahah c: I totally just looked for all the rookie groups and I must say... we got ourselves a good amount. o.o Thanks for the recommendation, lovely~ Any more new groups you'd like to share? Haha c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 09:56:01 -0600

Yup, copy and pasting to the site does that. For italics, you will need to put to start and to finish them (no spaces).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 10:33:29 -0600

hi- after critiquing yaasehshalom, perhaps i could now post my own excerpt. hope it's not too long, and that the paragraph breaks work. that seems to have been a problem for some of the other posters Background: Rufine Jones-Patterson is a young mulatto freedwoman living in Paris in 1833. She has led a very sheltered life. Her mother is a plantation owner in Louisiana, her father was a slave there. Out on a walk on a beautiful spring day, she was just introduced to someone by the name of Thomas Winterfield, who she first liked but then felt he was getting on her nerves. “I think it is time for me to return, Mr Winterfield. It’s been a pleasure making your acquaintance.” She withdrew her arm from his and offered her hand as a leave-taking. Her gloves were back on. He ignored the hand. “Miss Jones-Patterson! Please! I know I am most terribly forward with you but please – “ he produced a leaflet, “please look at this. Please read it. It is not long. Here,” he opened the pamphlet, “look at this. Look at these images!” An almost naked man was hanging from a tree, bound like a pig hung to bleed dry. Rufine felt something crawl through her stomach. Winterfield turned the page. On the ground, a black woman, the whites of her eyes huge in fear, a white man pressing a branding iron onto her shoulder. “These are – they are – someone drew these picture. This can’t be true. Not anymore.” Winterfield could not be stopped. “And here, read this, this was written just last year. About you.” 'We would ask, whence have the troubles, which have taken place among the slaves of Louisiana, originated? Trace the causes, and we will invariably find them to have proceeded from the suggestions and officious interferences of the free blacks. Their very existence in our limits, enjoying supposed independence, excites the envy and dissatisfaction of the slaves. The latter naturally inquire, why is it, that persons of the same color, are permitted to possess more privileges than they do?... We know the danger to which we are exposed from such a class of beings living in the very heart of our population, and increasing greatly every year.'—[An advocate of the society in the New-Orleans Argus.] 'Among us the free negroes are multiplying rapidly; both conscience and religion, as well as propagation, increase them, and, unless instant and decisive steps are taken to prevent their increase, you will soon have 50,000 determined and vengeful enemies in the heart of your country, protected there by the constitution, forsooth, by which it seems we are forbidden to expel the free negroes, or to prevent farther importations of this deadly pest in the persons of slaves.'—[Louisville Focus.] Instinctively, Rufine’s hand sought Thomas’ arm again. These words struck her more than the pictures, which were – too, too fantastic, too unbelievable. But what was written in that pamphlet, it sounded like the words in any newspaper. A memory suddenly came to her, of a few weeks ago, when she had been sitting in the carriage with Mme and Mr Robignolle, waiting for their son late at night to join them. Suddenly there was a commotion; they could see a few drunks fighting, rolling on the floor. Within a minute, the gendarmes arrived. They were not able to subdue the fighters; finally, one of the gendarmes hit one of them with the butt of his rifle. She had been unable to forget neither sight nor sound – a dull, decisive thud. In the shadows of the night, she saw the man fall and move no more, the gendarme putting the rifle away, straightening his coat with a satisfied gesture. This was how she felt. She had been in the dark. These words there on the paper, black and white and in ordinary newspaper language, hat hit her heart and left her on the ground. Thomas saw her face take on a curious gray tint, the irritated spark leave her eyes. Is this why he was here? To take the light away from this beautiful woman? Ruin this extraordinary spring day for her? He wanted to do much more than let her take his arm, wanted to enfold her in his embrace and tell her everything would be alright, wanted to fall to his feet and beg her forgiveness – but no. He shook his head. This was not what he had come for. He had come for the truth. And the truth was terrible. “I need to sit down,” she said tonelessly. Thomas led her to a nearby bench. She returned to the open page, whispering. “… the troubles, which have taken place among the slaves of Louisiana …suggestions and officious interferences of the free blacks … their very existence excites the envy and dissatisfaction of the slaves … why is it, that persons of the same color, are permitted to possess more privileges than they do ... the danger to which we are exposed from such a class of beings … unless instant and decisive steps are taken, you will soon have 50,000 determined and vengeful enemies … expel the free negroes … this deadly pest … ” Rufine turned to Thomas, her eyes wide open, incomprehension struggling openly on her face with the dawning of the truth. Without a word, she took the pamphlet up again and started to leaf through it, now slowly, in earnest. “This deadly pest … my father … these pictures … they are true, are they?” “I am sorry, Miss Rufine. They are. And they are but a fraction of it, of the most inhumane, ungodly thing that is perpetrated by one group of humans upon another. People, Miss Rufine, like you.” Did he have to say this? Hadn’t he harmed her enough already? Rufine stared right into his eyes, for a long time. Then past him. There were still the same young men with their walking sticks, the same sun shining on the same path, the same governesses chasing the same children. And everything had changed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 10:56:28 -0600

I just read your excerpt. It is really good, and I want to read more, it's really affecting. I would like to know who the young man is, and also soem more of her emotions, for example did her mother ever talk to her about slavery? or her father? if her mum is a plantation owner, does she start to question her behaviour/lifestyle? I would like to hear more about this. (although it may be addressed later on in the book!) It's a very easy read and the paragraphs read very well, despite the language of another period that is used. Also I spotted a typo - "Hat hit her heart" - spose that means had?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 11:29:29 -0600

Please post excerpts in your profile, not the board. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Ominous Rain — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 11:43:26 -0600

I had a short one, but I was told it needed some background to it, so I had to add more! Sorry if it was too long haha. Okay, thanks! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:02:27 -0600

thanks! really happy that i THINK that all your questions are addressed earlier in the book, except who thomas is, i need to work more on that, thanks! both her parents did their utmost to avoid talking to her about slavery. when she lived on the plantation, she was her mother's "pet negro" (because she could not admit she was her daughter). only when her mother shipped her off to france did she own up to the truth. on the plantation, she basically spent all her time in the "big house" and she was so happy there that she did not question why she never mixed with the other slaves except for the "house negroes", who adored, which bascially wrapped her in cotton. she is a quiet-ish kind of person anyway. she was wondering why, the few times she did play with the other kids on the plantation (which is huge - over 500 slaves) they did not really take to her but it didn't bother her too much. her interests are in the natural world, so even in paris, she never bothered with politics or reading a lot of newspapers. this is how i hope how i can make it plausible that she was a bit of an airhead around the topic of slavery. she sort of knew about it but had been able to pretend that it had little to do with her, that it was "somewhere else" and pretty much over anyway. DOES that sound plausible? thanks for spotting the typo!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:02:50 -0600

gah! sorry!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

yaasehshalom — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:34:28 -0600

Yes perfectly plausible, its amazing how powerful cognitive dissonance can be. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 13:14:05 -0600

@yaasehshalom I enjoyed yours. I am a big fan of language so to see the dialogue in British English was a nice change. Overall, the grammar seemed tight, and the only other thing I could offer would be some formatting. Good job! @moritherapy HIstorical fiction is always welcome! I enjoyed the premise of a mulatto en Paris in 1833. I think I lost a bit of the context trying to read and critique on my phone. Enjoyable read, but I would make sure to acknowledge the racism of continental Europe in the period as well. Just in case, remember to critique the poster above you. Also, it helps to use @_____ to identify who you are critiquing. Great job by both!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 16:53:21 -0600

@Wilson: A very good scene. I liked that I could feel the tension of the characters and the trouble they were going through. I liked that the MC seemed very tense. The bit about the ciggarate was very cool, even though I have no idea what Kool is - I'm assuming it's a type of ciggarate. I might use a few less "!", but that's just me, and hey, it's just November, right?Overall a well done piece and I would like to see more. Mine is in my profile. New as of today.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 16:59:45 -0600

thanks! i had already critiqued yaasehshalom. hm, the racism i paris in that time. need to think about it. she would have been oblivious to it (partly because she is quite wealthy) but there should be a hint of acknowledgment there. thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

moritherapy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 17:00:58 -0600

thanks! you know, i don't know why i hadn't thought of that term. that runs through the whole family, and part of the theme of the book is how it slowly dissolves over the generations

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streetcarnamedmaddie — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 18:09:29 -0600

@writeandknow - Wow, yours was very interesting. It made me very interested to read more. However, there was a few typos and a grammar mistake or two, but I overlooked it for now since no novel written in the course of a month will be perfect. It's not usually my style, but it seemed very good. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Cephalopodesque — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 18:36:46 -0600

@streetcarnamedmaddie Ooh, I like it. The characterization for Stella is very well done, and for some reason I absolutely adore the name Hugo Valentine; don't ask me why. I loved all the little details that made it seem real, like the cafeteria/canteen thing and the senior working as a teacher's aid. The only real critique I have is that the dialogue seemed to be accompanied by a lot of tags– each line seems to have a phrase both before and after it, and sometimes one line of dialogue will be broken up multiple times by a description of the speaker's action. Giving some idea of the action and environment during a conversation is awesome, but it was slowing it down a little for me. Still, I love your characters already and would definitely read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:04:39 -0600

@Cephalopodesque I quite like your name, first off. It's very interesting. Second off, your synopsis was utterly hilarious and simultaneously intriguing. Third, your excerpt was positively brillers. I loved it -- a nice mix of "huh?", good description, and character buildup in a way that doesn't feel forced. You made me wonder what sort of hero the boy in the leather jacket was, and what was going to happen next. Huzzah for you! I honestly can't find anything to critique, and I would love to read more!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:11:58 -0600

I'm sorry if that came off rude, I meant it more generally rather than directed at you specifically. :) As for the racism, I think it would be partially ingrained ( especially in the upper classes). However, by 1833 in the wake of Napoleon, I believe France held Algeria and was making inroads in central Africa. (I'm likely too early, most probably colonization was 1870+) Paris would have been much more forward thinking, and I think you are correct insetting it there.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

writeandknow — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:49:16 -0600

Thanks! I wrote it using written kittens so I'm really not surprised there are some errors. ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 21:26:02 -0600

@Katarinea While I enjoyed all your excerpts, I would have preferred reading one longer scene from one of those selections than a few paragraphs from several places in your book. That said, awesome story!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Garrote — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 22:27:31 -0600

@streamergurl It's very nice! It flows quite nicely, and the dialogue is natural. The emotional jest of the scene is portrayed beautifully. If there's one thing, however . . . The paragraph about the Queen allowing the daughter-in-laws to follow their husbands takes me out of the scene a little bit.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 22:30:36 -0600

Apparently that paragraph needs some tweaking. You're not the first to mention that. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 22:42:15 -0600

@Garrote Tell me more about Drake. You mention he has wings, but don't say anything else. And I'd like to see more of Fang, since I can't wrap my mind around a human with German Shepherd qualities. While I see the hints you've mentioned of a setup, I have no idea who these characters are, why they're hacking into this mainframe, and who it is that's trying to catch them. Please give more info to help readers make better sense of this scene.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 23:45:05 -0600

@steamergurl If it is going to be the excerpt that you read on the back of the book, I would say the "background:" info would be most likely cut out and the entire thing would probably be shorter. I also think if you cut it down to the part where Monique first sees the two women in rags walking out to her finally screaming would add a lot more impact as an excerpt, since that part to me was the most powerful and most moving. But, I'm probaly just talking crazy so you can ignore that! You have such an amazing writing style! It really drew me in and made it very hard for me to not get lost in the visual of it all. You did an amazing job with Monique's emotions. They are really heart-felt and powerful. Jasmine seems (from what I've read) like an amazingly powerful character, considering the circumstances. Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:00:45 -0600

A synopsis is what you would read on the back of the book. I provided the background info in the excerpt, to help the reader with pertinent info. Sorry for the length! I like them long. :) Thanks for your review!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:05:22 -0600

@Silver Fallen You had a really short excerpt wish makes it hard to give you really good constructibe critique.. but I'll do my best to say something. I like the nemaes Hera and Ammon. Makes me think of Ancient Greek and Egyptian mythology, respectively. i didn't read your synopsis so I'll just pretend they are gods for now. ;) I think that it would be nice to know a bit more internally what's going on inside who ever is the POV. Hera or Ammon. Is Hera observing Ammon weghting the blads in his hand, or is Ammon ignoring Hera as he scans the room for things to grabb? What's the POV'-character's reaction to what's happening? Here's your excerpt with my suggestions in brackets “I’m Hera,” She said in introduction as she watched him get up and walk around [here I'd put in the place, ex. shop, Olympus] slowly. He inspected the various weaponry [around the place -- scratch this], picking up a few and running them over in his hands, summing them up and evaluating [them -- their weight? balance? beauty? -- what's special with these weapons? ]. He settled on a nice[-] looking dagger and added it to the collection on his belt. But he [still -- sounds like he's been nagging Hera for a very ong time] wasn’t finished. He picked up a small bag – no doubt filled with coins – weighed it in his hands, then stowed it away. [Is he stealing these things from her? --- I really need to read your synopsis to get some context.] Finally, he turned and looked at Hera. His eyes traveled over her for a moment, taking her in. Then he nodded his head to her, [and] walked across the room [and opened the door -- I'd personally scratch this as people will persume he either opened the door or it was left ajar] . It wasn’t until he was half-way out [the door] that he glanced over his shoulder and spoke for the first time. “Ammon,” He said simply, [as a means of introduction --- you used this after Hera introduced her self and I think it get's repetitive to have it again here]. Then he turned his head back and ran out [side].

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streetcarnamedmaddie — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 01:41:43 -0600

I just looked up Written Kitten...I think I'm in love. o.o

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

cbwriterman — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 02:21:47 -0600

Why won't nano let me post to this thread?!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

cbwriterman — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 02:30:48 -0600

Sorry, my internet is weird sometimes. Here's my review. @fni--I'm just going to write some comments as I read. Hope these are enlightening. - I don't thank that someone can pace towards something when you have Lui pacing toward the car. - When you talk about Lui's eyes "becoming shifty" I would change that to: "His eyes shifted back and forth, flickering across..." - "Trust me," he said, "there are a million..." - I like where you say "she let the tension fall like a molted layer of skin" It made me think of a lobster. Nice. - I don't know if I would call a gun "assembled" Maybe: "Lui was holding a gun. 38 calibers of cold steel persuasion." or something like that. - It sounds like Liu is much older than 81 (assuming Tom didn't know his demeanor when he was just born) so for me it's hard to believe he could actually run after a panicked young woman. - Sometimes your similes/metaphors can slow down the action in this fast-paced scene. - "Her mouth felt like a dessert." should be desert ;) - Is his name Louie (short for Louis)? Sorry, I live in China and Lui kind of sounds like "Loooo" here and that's how I was saying it. Overall I think that you're heading in the right direction. I like how you portray the fear of the woman in contrast with the calm and frightening attitude of Lui. I think what I would say you could work on is making your intense scenes more fast paced by cutting a lot of the added narration. But in parts where it isn't fast paced there seems to be a lot of little bits of narration that makes the story feel choppy to me. I think if you cleaned up this selection and kept only what was necessary to create the mood and move the story forward than you would be on the right track. And remember, this is just one man's opinion. Hope some of this helps :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Mother Goose — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 07:43:39 -0600

@cbwriterman Wow - I was lucky to get your excerpt! I really look forward to reading your book when it's finished. I love utopian fiction, and yours definitely has that quality to it. But I also sense the darker conflict. You've set up these wonderful pacifist people who have taken their peaceful ways out of a world of war (I'm assuming your Earth is like today's Earth here) and have now placed them squarely in the position of being the Pilgrims rather than Adam & Eve. The transition from being pacifists to transgressors will shock your people terribly. What a wonderful concept! Now for details: [MY SUGGESTIONS ARE IN BRACKETS AND CAPITAL LETTERS] “Today marks a momentous occasion in the history of human kind [HUMANKIND IS ONE WORD]. There was a day in human history where man dreamt of what it would be like to set foot on the moon. And man achieved that dream. Then man dreamt of something more, not just to set foot on the moon, but to take root. To colonize. And man too achieved that dream. And as we all know not shortly['NOT SHORTLY' WOULD BE A LONG TIME. I THINK YOU MEAN 'SHORTLY'] after than [THAT] mankind placed its mark on the red planet, conquering a distance in space flight which no man thought was possible. And we too colonized that planet. “But today is special. Today mankind has not just traveled a few millions of miles to its brother planets. Today mankind has transversed [ TRANSVERSED IS NOT IN THE DICTIONARY - BUT TRANSVERSE IS. IF YOU ARE INTRODUCING A NEW WORD TO DESCRIBE A NEW WAY OF TRAVEL, NEVERMIND. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT LOOK FOR A DIFFERENT WORD TO DESCRIBE THE CROSSING.]the universe at speeds greater than light; speeds that not even the great physicists of earth [Earth - PROPER NOUN] could fathom. Today mankind [HUMANKIND ABOVE, MANKIND HERE - ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO USE THEM INTERCHANGEABLY?] has planted the seed of peace on a planet not unlike our own, save for the fact that we will not be conquered by greed and corruption. Today, my friends, my brothers, my sisters, we have not just opened a new chapter in the history of human kind [SEE ABOVE], but we have picked up the pen and started anew our very own book. [INSERT PARAGRAPH BREAK] My friends. My family. Welcome to Pronia. Welcome to Exod.” Take my suggestions for what they're worth, and as always feel free to break any and all rules if it makes your story better. Again - I truly look forward to reading your book one day. It will be a captivating good read! Finish it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 09:01:55 -0600

Thanks for your critique. Of course it's useful. I'll ask my native English experts about the pace towards. Funny you thought abut a lobster.. heard such a story about a lobster boy yesterday.. Synchronizity. I wouldn't say 38 caliber since it's Laura's POV and she has no idea about calibers... but I'll look at assembled. So Lui, isn't exactly a regular old man... but yeah he's older than 81. I'll have a look at the tempo. Lui is his name. Lui Chang Sun.. Lui's his family name Cantonese The sign would be this (呂 or 吕) Mandarin counterpart; Lǚ ,Lü (Lu)... Does those sound like loooo? Thanks

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mrbowlerhat — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 09:58:52 -0600

@Mother Goose I liked the theme, although the change from present to past tense confused me somewhat. I like the style of your writing, but I do think that the excerpt should be from just one chapter. Nontheless, a very well written section!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Maketherainbow — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 10:14:32 -0600

@mrbowlerhat Didn't really understand who was who with all the action. But I loved the action. Lots of killing and detail and death! I like it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 10:18:10 -0600

asdJkfld!!! Dialect. I loved it. It gave me a quick understanding of where the scene is probably taking place. Plus, I love dialect. (ot: I love speaking it out loud when I read a book, hgrrhhhh.) *cough* Anyways, about your excerpt... It was nice. I admit, the number of names got me going back and forth sometimes, but maybe that's just me and my tiny head, fufu. But seriously, your novel seems like one that I'd pick up, read on the spot, then take home. It has that sprinkle of past into the new sort of thing c: I like it. Also, the character names at the beginnings (like Silas and Grey for example), it means a changing of first-person PoV, correct? Bacause at first I thought you were just changing the focus, so I got confused when the terms 'us' and 'we' appeared, haha~. But again, that's probably just me. All in all, wunderbar~!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Loki Mischief-Maker — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:10:30 -0600

@The Empress: Your excerpt sets up a really interesting situation, and one that makes me want to finish the scene. It is a little difficult to figure out the point of view at the beginning, though, and there are a few phrases in the description of the two princes that sound a little like contradictions [the one that jumps to mind is "he was, in a word, beautiful" followed immediately by describing his appearance as "average." I think I understand what you're getting at, but the way you describe it is a little jarring]. I do rather like the dialogue exchange at the end, though, especially the last line, it sets it up for me to want to know what happens next! @Maketherainbow: I really like the first line of this excerpt -- the dry tone, and the way it sets up for the rest of the scene. I do think your explanation of Heat Swords is a little overwrought -- you've basically only told us what we can surmise from the name, and if that is all that's important about them, I don't think you need to go into more detail. I do like the little descriptive/characterization asides, though -- the demon eyes, the description of the biceps.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:23:19 -0600

@Maketherainbow “Ah. I see our surprise visitors have decided to pay us a surprise visit. I must say, I’m flattered,” Minister Hail was a pale man wearing an expensive suit. He had hair all the way to his shoulders and yellow eyes. Demon eyes. Behind him were guards all carrying Heat Swords. Heat Swords were swords that were always hot, always burning. When they cut through something, they left no blood, making clean up easier and quicker. This paragraph is kind of an info-dump. You explain Minister Hail in detail, and also the Heat Swords. Just describe one or the other in this paragraph, and save the other for another paragraph. Flattered should be followed with a period, not a comma, because "Minister Hail was a pale man wearing an expensive suit" is its own sentence and not related to the dialogue. “Yes. I am here to make sure you little brats don’t mess up this wonderful utopia,” the minister spread his arms in a wide circle. This being a separate paragraph makes the reader think it's a new person speaking. Since it's still Minister Hail, it should be in the same paragraph as his other dialogue. Again, the spoken part should be ended with a period, not a comma. “Yes. Mr. Hail,” a guard with bulging biceps stepped forward. Lindsay gawked at him. He must’ve been on some performance-enhancing drug. No one’s biceps could look like that! The guard would probably refer to Hail as his title - Minister - rather than the more informal "Mister." The dialogue punctuation is flipped: "Yes[comma] Mr. Hail[period]." Capitalize the sentence following the dialogue. Combine "He must’ve been on some performance-enhancing drug. No one’s biceps could look like that!" into "He must’ve been on some performance-enhancing drug; no one’s biceps could look like that!" Personally, I'd change "could" to "should." “Kill the man and do not kill the girl." Change "and" to "but." Consider removing one of the "kill"s, unless your character speaks awkwardly on purpose. “Good, now get on with it,” Minister Hail spoke in a bored voice. Weird sentence. Maybe change it to something like, "Good. Now get on with it," Minister Hail said, clearly bored. When writing dialogue, treat the part in quotations like an extension of a larger sentence. A lot of people end dialogue with a period when they really shouldn't. It would be like inserting a period randomly into the middle. of a sentence. It's distracting and offers something for the reader to trip over. For example: "I can't believe you think you saw a Sasquatch," Randy scoffed, not realizing the mighty wood ape was standing right behind him. vs "I can't believe you think you saw a Sasquatch!" Randy's scoffing was cut short by the appearance of the mighty wood ape from the trees, and he screamed and tried to run.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:33:07 -0600

@Loki "I know. If it was outside me, it was already in my head. And if it was only a dream, it just dredged up a fear." I don't really understand this sentence, but I suspect I'd understand it more if I were reading this excerpt in context. Is Val male or female? You use the feminine pronoun with her at first, but then she says, "As the only son of the duke of Korenis, I'm not that important, but as the Prince's Gard I am." Is she referring to herself as the son of the duke? Because that's kinda what it seems like. As I read on, I'm getting the impression that Val is uhh... transgender? Hermaphroditic? Genderless? I expect Val's gender was probably explained in more detail in an earlier part of the novel, so I won't focus too much on it! All in all, great excerpt! Your writing style is easy to read and it moves along at a good clip. Keep it up! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ceramiccoconut — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:03:05 -0600

@Tooterfish I really liked your excerpt (and your character names). Your descriptions were well written. My only two issues are rather minor, and both deal with dialogue. First is a line that reiterates that it smells like pee. I feel that's a bit unnecessary, especially right after a strong description of the drink itself almost immediately before it. The second is kind of encapsulated by the final line. The one character calls the other a 'weenie'. That, along with saying 'pee', gives me a notion of kiddy vocabulary, which doesn't really fit in with the idea of a bounty hunter. I mean, you can have nice or likeable bounty hunters, but they would still have to be relatively tough for their line of work. And some of those dialogue choices seemed a bit off to me. Otherwise, though, it was very nicely written!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:22:59 -0600

Pee was the grossest liquid I could think of earlier. That's what happens when you think it would be cute to let the baby run around without a diaper on. Seriously, less than 30 seconds and she takes a wee on the floor. COME ON! But now I've remembered the time at work when someone took a swig out of a Mt Dew can that contained, not Mt Dew, but dip spit. The guy barfed on the floor in the office, and we all got the afternoon off. I might change the description to include that whole experience, because that was pretty gross, AND if I recall correctly, was about the same color as pee. As for Cen's calling Pax a weenie, that's just how she is. She doesn't really swear. If she swore, she'd call him a pussy. But she doesn't, so she didn't. Weenie was the first thing that came to mind, so in it went. What's a good non-swear way to call someone a pussy? I seriously can't think of one. >.< Need chocolate! Thanks for the review! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ceramiccoconut — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:27:19 -0600

Hmm... maybe wuss? It's halfway between weenie and pussy. :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:59:32 -0600

Hmm...if she doesn't swear she wouldn't call him a Douche probably, not that that's very close to Pussy anyways lol. Wank/er is also closer to Douche than Pussy, though I've heard it used in the same situations. A Dink is someone who's an idiot. So is Twit. In this vain: Wank/er, Tosser, Clot, and Twat. @ceramiccoconut's suggestion of Wuss isn't half-bad. She might call him a Poof, but that does also carry homosexual connotations (British) - Poofter/Poofta. If he's a coward she could call him Yellow. It's an older insult. Typically pronounced with a Texan or Deep South accent XD If you can't tell, I favor British insults/slang. Going with something that's foreign (but not too far out of the English realm) and mild would make it a bit less childish sounding but still wouldn't care the same OMG SHE SWORE factor that a harsher English word would. Just a thought. If I think of more I'll let you know.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:00:58 -0600

Ugh, that should be still wouldn't CARRY...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ceramiccoconut — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:31:26 -0600

Ha, yeah... British slang is always fun. I particularly like tosser. And the OMG SHE SWORE factor is lessened. For instance, "bloody hell" is essentially the same as saying "holy f*ck." But that didn't stop 11-year-old Ron Weasley from popularizing it! Anyway... during all this, nobody commented on my own excerpt! :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:32:41 -0600

I lived in England for a few years and got into the habit of calling people twats and cunts. Then when I came back to America, I had to get out of that habit FAST. Americans react like this---> 8O when you toss around twat/cunt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

skinnybee — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:35:35 -0600

@ceramiccoconut Your excerpt was really intriguing! I like it. I love the emotional imagery involved with the rain (&/or lack of) - and that frustrated need to feel it on their skin. Amazing. Very well written - reminds me of a few things. First, a story idea I had when I was very young which I wish I'd kept up with. Also, though, aspects of other books I love, things like Girlfriend in a Coma (the very first scene) and the Winnet sections of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Obviously all very different, but there's a soul to it that reminds me of both. Really good. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:59:33 -0600

That's true, though Twat doesn't bother me nearly as much as Cunt does. Depending on how it's pronounced that is. T-wat is much less offense to me than Twa-t. The second sounds too much like naming the female genitals (the same way Cunt is used) whereas the first doesn't make me automatically picture that. Funny how the mind works.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ceramiccoconut — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 20:00:02 -0600

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I haven't read those other stories you mentioned, but I like their titles! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 20:19:12 -0600

@skinnybee Your excerpt was really... captivating. It, strangely, made my heart race a bit, and filled me with wonder. Oh, love, your novel seems like a good one. And since I just had to read your synopsis, my intrigue simply deepened, and oh... it was great. Simply put. I'd like to read it when you finish it, if I'm allowed. I asked myself, 'So, is the story about love or insanity?' And I had a talk with myself about that and I realized... it's the same. Haha~ Marvelous. I'm babbling. >>

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

skinnybee — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 20:27:31 -0600

This feedback honestly could not be better! :) Thank you so much for this. Wow. Yes, okay. You can read more. For this wonderful review, you can definitely read more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sovay — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 21:14:39 -0600

@ The Empress - I love the concept of the Watcher. I don't know, that name just intrigued me from the start. And I love the part at the end about choosing a heir - again, very intriguing! If I had one thing to say about this I'd say that the first paragraph could be tightened up a bit in terms of details - just a matter of picking more precise details, but that can be saved for December! - but overall the excerpt is lovely. And wildly original to boot! (:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:42:11 -0600

The background info definetly did help but I almost think for the back of the book you should keep it short and mysterious to keep people guessing and want to read the book to find out, although, I am still very curious so either way it works. Great job and I hope you get published! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:47:48 -0600

You actually caught my excerpt right before I changed it to a longer one from a different scene, so I find that kind of funny. I'm glad you picked up on the Greek and Egyptian because she is Greek and he is Egyptian, so yay! As for your questions, the back story is they were running from guards and conviently hid in a blacksmith, so he is stealing from the shop they are in. Thank for the feedback!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:03:06 -0600

@sovay I'd say first off, it's a bit short so it's hard to figure out what exactly is going on, even with reading the synposis. Also, you have a lot of run on sentences. Plenty of them could be cut down into two sentences which might help it flow better. Is the opening paragraph what she thinks would happen or what did happen? I'm a little lost on that. :( I'd want to read more of this to better understand what's going on. From what I can tell you have a really intriguing plot with some cool characters. You also use the POV very well. The emotions are very real. Great use of World War 1 as well. It's not nearly as appreciated as the second world war. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:12:31 -0600

sovay: (Andrew Bird reference?) Ooh, intriguing and mysterious. I want to know more about the family and Henry. Good evocation of a mood. The excerpt seems to be mostly hypothetical situations, which makes it a little difficult to grasp--there's very little actual action, which I'd like to see more of. Your sentences seem to run long and get a little confusing; keep the tone of them but try to clarify the meaning. For example, this sentence: I jerked myself away from the window and shoved the change back in my pocket without counting and told myself no even if the house were too small for all of us and Henry, even if he had showed me something I had little desire to see. Should there be a comma between "no" and "even"? And why would the narrator not buy the gift for Henry "even if he had showed [her] something [she] had little desire to see"? The construction implies that if she bought the gift, she would reward him for showing something she had no desire to see. (And what had he showed her/what does he have the potential to show her?) Is this clarified further in the passages preceding or following the excerpt? Your word choice also gets a little repetitious: "I walked down the street" / "walked as fast as I could" and "deep in the hole" / "deep down". I also noticed you use the "I did this, then, and something happened" construction a lot, which can be a good style, but watch that you don't use it too often. You did make me want to find out more in the story (most of which I learned by reading the synopsis) so that's good. But I'd like to know, within the context of the excerpt, why there's this deeper emotional undercurrent. Why would giving Henry the gift be "wrong, all wrong" and what is tearing Elizabeth apart? All in all, however, I like your writing style and the mood, and that deeper undercurrent comes across well. I'd just like to know the reason for it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:23:48 -0600

@Silver Fallen I like your premise and the excerpt was a good hook! A few things... In the synopsis, you should check the spelling on deity, I believe you have it as "diety." Also, is the woman or the assassin armless and blind in one eye? On to the excerpt! -I think executions would either be a trend, or not be one. "Sort of" doesn't seem to fit. -You should check the spelling on "executionee," although it should probably be "the condemned," or some other term. Not sure if there is a such thing as executionee. -I like the play between sever and cut with heads and lives when you describe the axe. Maybe you could work the description into one solid play on words? If I come up with one I'll put it in a reply. -"His restraints revealed the danger of his presence." Maybe? -Why would they allow him to remain armed even if they were going to execute him? Likely in the Middle Ages, anything of value would have been scavenged if he was unable to protect it. The excerpt was a nice bit of experience. You described the scenario and the players very well. I liked the introduction of Ammon and could see his escort to the dais/gallows. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:27:48 -0600

Looks like I took too long typing. Oops! Silver Fallen: I really enjoyed your excerpt. I would totally read this book. I like your style, and I love the details that you've given. I like it so much that instead of writing a couple of paragraphs of critique, I want to make comments in the word doc instead of writing out an essay here. But I'll do my best. My critiques: Purely for the excerpt's sake, I'd like to see Hera's name mentioned in the second paragraph. Some of your language is a little anachronistic, and pulled me out of the story: "intimidation factor," "was a shocker." You occasionally tell when showing could add a lot more to the scene. For instance, The way he was restrained showed that he was a very dangerous man. Cut that entire line, and say something instead along the lines of "He was not restrained like the usual prisoners. His wrists were shackled..." Then the reader draws the conclusion that he's a dangerous man on his own. Some other lines like this: ...even the way he held himself suggested he was far more then a starving, desperate lowlife. | Everything about the way he looked was menacing. The same goes for "she believed" and "she felt"--like writing an essay, cut those words and your writing will pack a lot more punch. She did not believe a man with such powerful emotions in the doors to his soul could be truly evil, nor did she believe this was what he deserved. --> "A man who felt such emotion could not be truly evil. This could not be what he deserved." If the passage is written from Hera's perspective, it should go without saying that this his how she feels. A couple other minor critiques: "Ruthless mass-murder" seems kind of redundant. Surely only "ruthless murderer" would suffice. When you mentioned the prisoner's hair, I was confused--did his turban cover his hair or not? Perhaps mention that some hair stuck out of the turban when you first describe his face. "Eyes the color of the blackest night" seems (to me) kind of cliché. Try to find a different way to describe: black eyes that seemed bottomless, eyes black as tar, something less romance-novel sounding. I'd love to read this when you're done!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:29:10 -0600

Ack! Too late! @aiuku Great excerpt! The idea of a generational spaceship...is that a nod to the math/sheer distances in space? Nevermind. I like the mix of Medieval/Feudal and Space/Sci-Fi. Very Danny Boyle "Doomsday" stuff. I was tripped up by the z's. Not going to lie. I'm definitely interested in how you relate the different genres. As for the loss of the ship, to quote Yoda, a good exchange it was not. Rezi seems to show a good heroic fiber. Overall very tight grammatically, with a good flow. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:30:42 -0600

@Silver Fallen What an excerpt! Wow! The synopsis left me a little confused, and the names of characters being names of Egyptian gods kind of threw me. But once I read the excerpt about the execution, I was hooked. One nitpicky thing: Wouldn't someone about the be executed be relieved of all his weapons, even if he is bound? I find the boots more believable than the knives attached to his belt. @aiuku Your story sounds so interesting! Why do Traders live longer? Is the disease among them being started intentionally? A missing husband and child along with a missing ship? Where did they GO? Must. Have. Answers. :) Only thing that stuck out was the "ahem." Does the character stammer or search for words? To me (again, just me), it seems like "err" would work better at that point than "ahem." Congrats on reaching 50k!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:34:58 -0600

That darned i before e rule. Thank you for pointing that out, I need to fix that. And that was worded akwardly, I will fix it. The woman is missing an arm and blind in one eye. Not the assassin. He has all his limbs attached. I see what you are saying with the play on words and I can't really figure out how to make it work. I do like that idea though. That is true about the weapons. I hadn't thought of that. I'll fix that too. Thank you so much! That was very helpful!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:35:38 -0600

@sovay I'm just jumping in because I'm a sucker for the Great War. I enjoyed your excerpt a great deal! If she is daydreaming of buying him something that he will discard with his effects from the war, then I believe war should be capitalized. As in "the War," rather than "a war." I could be wrong though. Also, "simply forget he wasn't there" feels like it flows a little better. More World War I please!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:37:32 -0600

Gduh. The Z's seems to be something that's tripping everyone up. I'm pretty attached to the names, but maybe I need to consider changing them. The entire book isn't feudal-meets-sci-fi, just this scene, and by multi-generational I meant Trader ships contain many generations of people, great-grandpa, grandpa, father, son, son's son. I was struggling with how to convey that, I think I need to choose a better word now :P Thanks for your critique! I'm going to go find a better excerpt now, one without Szjid names ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:41:58 -0600

Thank you! I'm glad the mystery comes through! Traders don't live longer, necessarily--was that the "multi-generational" in the synopsis you're talking about? Bad word choice on my part; I was looking to find a way to say that many generations of a family live on one ship. Great-grandpa, grandpa, father, son, son's son. I just couldn't find a succinct way of saying it. Looks like I need to keep looking :P The "ahem" was meant to be a cue that Satby was purposefully understating "change of hands," using it as a euphemism for "theft" (or "perceived theft"). Trying to be delicate, so as not to offend Vaszjid. I'll look into making that more clear.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:44:30 -0600

The characters are not gods, they have just adopted names of the gods, but you're not the first to mention that. The synopsis definetly needs work. =/ I did it very quickly. And same with the weapons. I am fixing that now, hopefully :) Thank you for the critique!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:48:43 -0600

I think the names are good, I just (begin nerd) try to do different accents and stuff when I read. They would just take practice, it's not like their Klingon amirite? As for generational, that was the other thought I had with regards to your explanation. Either seems to work. Also, when I used yoda-speak I should have clarified that the deal wasn't good for the characters. Hopefully, you didn't get the impression I hated the excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:57:40 -0600

Silver Fallen, The execution is brilliantly vivid and very well done. The only correction that I can think of is the part about severing heads. You write 'severe' and not 'sever.' Otherwise, it puts me in the scene and does an excellent job of showing and not telling.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:00:09 -0600

If it helps, I imagined them speaking with kind of a Russian/Eastern European-type accent. And I got that you were talking about the story. The Marion pretty much got stolen, so no, it was not a good deal. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:02:14 -0600

Thank you for catching that! Thank you so much :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:06:32 -0600

*waves at next poster* Me and Wilson3sd got skipped. And Harlow needs a review, too. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mrbowlerhat — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 03:32:48 -0600

Yeah, the character names do mean a change of PoV, I'm glad you like it :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 04:27:26 -0600

*systematically retraces thread for earliest skipped-guy on page* @ Wilsons3sd Here goes. (foul language is always a direct quote from the text, of course) Starts out kind of bland, in my opinion, with a person walking down stairs followed by the exact time of day that they are walking down those stairs. Your intention seems to be, with this entire opening paragraph, that you're trying to describe a normal day-to-day occurence, with presumably something more interesting happening next in contrast. Don't do this, please :( It's boring :( And I assume it probably takes longer to write all of this than the exciting stuff anyway. :( Quote: "...his younger sister was 4, sort of a “Surprise! We can’t afford to feed ourselves, but now we have another baby to go on top of the one that we already surprised ourselves with after our 16 year old son 10 years earlier!”" what this doesn't even I don't what are try Alright. So. First thing is putting dialogue like this when people aren't actually speaking. But that's not actually such a big deal. It's just... just....... not something that clinically sane people think. Just the word-choice, and the running-on-ness, and the sentence structure. There's just too many numbers flying around, and like 3 different clauses that you erratically interrupt with wild abandon. Just.......... I dunno, read it aloud to yourself and see how it sounds. The correct answer is 'confused and shameful' and that is what you should feel like after speaking it to yourself in an empty room because only weird people do that. Seriously. The backstory stuff is good. Though it makes it really obvious that this is the first time we have seen these characters. They haven't been developed yet, and it seems that you're trying to do all of that at once right now. The mother's backstory section also points out that she's probably going to go away very soon or get killed, because otherwise you'd have more time to establish her past in a more refined and structured manner. But since she's going to get shot by the bad guy in the next chapter or so, I can understand why you'd put it together like this. It should be a fast-paced action adventure once this exposition is done, I hope. I'm not really sure why you're going off on the relationship-psychology tangent, though. There's an extended paragraph describing the incredible amount of sex the couple is not having. The reason for this is apparently because they're afraid they'll get the mom pregnant again. If this is the real reason, there's onl- CONDOMS. CONDOMSCONDOMSCONDOMS birth control vasectoMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY However, it's probably not the real reason. I assume that this is just the superficial reason that the mother is using to rationalize their non-physicality, rather than addressing the possibility that they're simply falling out of love with one another, and that they are staying together because of the kids and not much else. I'm reading between the lines here, of course, and I may be wrong. It may legitimately be about their inability to understand how even the cheapest of contraceptives work. I don't think I have ever read the phrase "fucking dishes" before in my life. I thought it was funny. Not sure if that was the intended reaction here. Maybe it was. If it was I salute you. The mother is tuned-in to Korn enough to read critical reviews of at least four of their albums? I'm not entirely certain that the phrase "You’re Fucking A right there are" is actually something a stay-at-home-mom with toddlers would say. I've moved past the granularity and I'm just making individual comments now. There is a lot to get through. On that note, why did you go off and start talking about the dad's obsession with baseball? That is entirely unrelated to what's going on and doesn't really say much. Lots of dads like baseball to the same degree. Lots of dads wish that they grew up as a baseball star, and disappointed that their children don't share the same aspirations. It's pretty generic dad material. Also, with the amount of teams that you name-dropped, you're probably alienating quite a few people. "When Mr. McGee barked for Bobby it carried the weight of missing the Braves and messing up the routine and I love you." You.... You love me? I... I don't know what to say... I mean I'm touched but... I don't think this will work out. I always viewed us as good friends and I don't want to ruin what we already have. But you've gone and changed things forever. It will never be the same between us - and you don't have to do this! You don't have to make it this complicated - *chokes up* - God DANG it Wilson I don't love you back! I can't *choke* - you can't do this to me! I'm so sorry - *runs off sobbing* Right so that's pretty much it for my running commentary. Since that's confusing, here's an overview: Your prose seems to run off on tangents, but not intentionally. This is most certainly a by-product of the rush of the November month, so I guess it's - you've got 10000 words. Well you're in your thirties so it's probably not a perfect fit for your schedule. And you started a few days late. So all of this is pretty much acceptable. The main problems I had with it were related to characterization. You rushed it all and most of it seemed based entirely off of archetypes of pre-existing characters. A secondary problem was that while many people say to always focus on character development, you focused on it too much, to the point where you'd have several paragraphs of exposition followed by a single line of actual plot that was exactly the same as the last single line of plot several paragraphs ago, except with a mother who is slightly more cross at her unresponding son. That was a long sentence. The gyst is that you have too much exposition and not much happens. Don't get the idea that I'm purposely antagonizing you. To be honest your thing did have this endearing quality to it that I quite enjoyed, and seemed to have a very non-self-aware idealism to it, which is a good thing in this case. All you need to do is improve the quality of the prose and try not to toss around character development in lieu of advancing the plot. So my final advice is to enhance the good stuff and remove the bad stuff. That should fix everything. yaaaay Sorry for being an unnecessarily critical idiot. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 04:41:23 -0600

And you know what, I'm gonna go and make this thread all match up again with no backlog of skipped-guys. WHERE DOING IT BRO WHERE MAKING THIS HAPEN probably not as ridiculously long as the last one though because that would be preposterous @ Streamergurl: aaaah gad is so looooooong So my first impression is that I quite honestly kind of like the style. While it's kind of cliche, especially the dialogue, it seems consistent enough that it doesn't actually matter, which is great. Though the way that Monique speaks seems to tell me that she's constantly hiding something and concealing the truth. I dunno if that's an accurate statement or not. Problem - I gather that Monique wasn't really invited, but then the Queen tells her that it's important that she watch the torture. The ones that she wasn't invited to. Seems kind of odd. Monique's aside "...once I find out whatever it is you’re hiding" paints her definitely as an evil little schemer, like I thought. I totally called that. All of the melodramatics are kind of confusing because we only have a very basic context that you told at the beginning, which is better than no context at all. So from what I gathered, Jasmine is the princess (seems like an odd name considering the more european styles of the setting and the other characters, or maybe I'm just thinking of Aladdin). Jasmine's being made an example of for Caleb's 'benefit' because of some unstated misdemeanor. She's probably a scape-goat, or an example, for something that someone else has done. The Queen's plan, upon wild mass guessing, is that she wants Caleb and Monique to come to disagreements about this and split up, thus ensuring that Caleb's chances of becoming King are thrown off drastically. This is probably to further some other plot that has been left unstated. Monique has her own agenda and while she's loyal to Caleb and Jasmine, she distrusts most of the royal family. It's pretty good, I guess, if a bit melodramatic at times. Sorry that this critique isn't nearly as long as the other one. But there's not all that much to critique about yours because it's fairly solid.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 05:03:21 -0600

@ Harlow god dang it I accidentally pressed the 'back' button on my mouse. I have no idea why the dang-nab-bleeding-carapace there's a 'delete everything permanently' button right around where my thumb hovers but I couldn't be stuffed changing it and you can guess where that led me. So. Startin' over. Your story started out very interestingly noirical. Very prohibition-era gangster/private-eye/hitman mystery sounding and all that. While the lady seemed to talk way too much, it was otherwise pretty cool to read. And then suddenly, erotica! That was very jarring and unexpected. You probably should have given at least a little bit of warning there. I laughed. I probably shouldn't have. It was quite funny. I didn't laugh at your actual attempt at humor, though. Guns aimed at a guy's crotch are not funny. Don't ever joke about that. "He’d at least give her the idea that he wanted rough sex with her." It really does not sound like Everett has his whole heart set on the hard-boiled hitman motif. That isn't a very lyrically gruff way of expressing that thought. Maybe try something more like "This hysterical dame likes to play rough... I'll show this broad what it's like to get reaaal rough." Just make him think that in a very gravelly voice, and you're all set. Wait, but he has like a posh english accent. But then it's irrelevant because since when did people with posh english accents like rough sex? Get with the program, missy. Also how did she get the gun back? She must be telekinetic. That would be an interesting plot-point. You should include that in your book. (please don't include that in your book) I quite liked it personally overall. Keep it up.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

cbwriterman — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 06:22:26 -0600

Thanks mother goose for your kind words and feedback on what things are words and what things are not words. The word I was looking for was TRAVERSE. d'oh! Thanks for your encouragement, and Good luck with your own story!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

eegah — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 06:50:23 -0600

Fun! I wish there'd been more there; the sample was too brief to get a good sense of your novel. It's like a cross between Dungeons and Dragons, Portal, Lord of the Flies and Gravity's Rainbow. Hard to tell from this little bit whether you've got a plot or a structure, and I couldn't tell whether you've got character development going on or not. Impossible to critique fairly here with such a brief sample. I will say that I wanted to read more. I think you've got a great concept that would also translate well into a game; that's a good thing, to have a story that can be told across several different platforms. I hope you finish it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 08:45:18 -0600

No. The Queen was hiding something. Jasmine, the youngest princess, disappeared about two weeks before this point. Monique, Jasmine's closest friend, was away at the time. She returns home to find her mother-in-law telling her kids not to mention Jasmine's name in her presence. Monique tries asking Jasmine what happened, and discovers she's gone. Monique tries asking the Queen, who politely tells her to mind her own business. Yes, Monique wasn't invited, she just tags along. The Queen was telling her in the excerpt that this was important for the (invited) group to watch. In fact, she was politely telling her to leave again. Monique stays and sees Jasmine. Hope that clears it up. Thanks for the review!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 09:51:51 -0600

@eegah I love this story! Okay, the excerpt was a little confusing, since you had two women and the super-villian. I had to figure out who was who. You mention the housekeeper, a detective, and a superhero. It took until halfway through the excerpt to realize that one of the women was a superhero as well as one of the other two things. I'm still not sure who was who. The bit about the goggles was cute and funny. But you put them on the restrained woman so she can't see anything. And then after the laser fires, she's able to see again -- while still restrained. I'm farily sure someone else wore the goggles, but their sight wasn't affected at all. Regardless, I'm a sucker for superhero stories. Reading about a villian who needs the help of his enemies, especially one with a sense of humor, is pretty cool. I enjoyed reading it, so thank you for sharing! Hope this helps. Congrats on purple bar status!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sovay — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 10:13:25 -0600

Thank you for the review! And yes, that's an Andrew Bird reference.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 10:36:21 -0600

@creatorx2 Awesome! I needed this bit of entirely necessary criticism. My last excerpt and this one were both spoken first, and transcribed later. As such, there is a weird stream of consciousness thing going on and the tenses shift overmuch. One thing I've seen in all of my excerpts is that I do spend large chunks of time developing the characters. Plot hasn't necessarily been sacrificed (well, it has, otherwise you'd have been able to pick it up) but it does (hopefully) tend more towards the "slow boil." I think I've just tried to set up the characters too much at the expense of the scenario. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 15:00:58 -0600

*bumps board back to front page*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:24:28 -0600

More of a general comment here. Your excerpts are always pretty clean and easy to follow, so not much to comment on in those areas. :) I'd like to see more of a sense of what's motivating the queen to go such lengths to get Jasmine to obey. What terrible thing does she think will happen if she doesn't succeed? But this is...necessary today, to watch this. I hope you understand. Necessary why? This sounds like there's a reason she expects Monique to be aware of and agree with, something that's part of the status quo. And I don't get the sense that it's just an issue of resistance to the queen's authority, or else she wouldn't be so hesitant and wishy-washy about letting Monique tag along - she'd order Monique away and expect to be obeyed. Or else not care who saw, because she's the queen and this is her command. But I get no sense of what the commonly-known reason should be. Monique certainly doesn't seem to know. Even Mother can’t be that cruel. ...sounds like there's a history of hurtful behavior. But Monique shows no caution around the Queen - suspicion of her unusual behavior, yes, but no defenses up against possible cruelty. And she doesn't suspect hurtful behavior against Jasmine until she gets to the courtyard. So that doesn't really seem to be the source of the Queen's actions. though it was clear the scene upset her, the Queen seemed resigned to watch anyway. Upset and resigned...again, it seems like an outside source pushing her to this. But what source? If it's religious differences...I don't see any signs of devotion, or of outward observance, to a different faith in the Queen, Monique, Caleb, anyone. Likewise if her concern is the social implications of a differing faith, or weakening of the royal family's influence, or whatever...there are several things it could be, but the text isn't pointing me in any particular direction. This has to be a powerful dilemma for the Queen, and in turn for the other characters who are affected, and I think it would really strengthen the story to see those opposing forces in all areas of their world, not just turned against Jasmine.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

eegah — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:30:04 -0600

THANK YOU! I had in my mind that Mildred had taken Veronica's goggles off while Vermilion was unconscious, but I didn't state that. Mildred took her goggles, but didn't put them on, and Vermilion took his off after he regained consciousness. The goggles don't eliminate all vision; they're just very dark glasses. I can be a lot clearer about that, and clearer about distinguishing the people in the scene. Thanks for this great critique! The restrained woman isn't a super, just a detective whom the villain has abducted (though he didn't know she was a detective at the time). He mostly works alone, fighting superheroes, but now he's saddled with two "normal" women, and frankly, his social skills leave much to be desired, since he doesn't spend much time in polite society. His lair is set up for fights with supers (hence the giant laser), not hosting guests, which is why he has to use his own personal energy shield to prevent the laser from cooking his "guest" when things go awry. If you like superhero stories, you might like "In Hero Years, I'm Dead" by Michael Stackpole, and "Nobody Gets the Girl" by James Maxey. 97,951?! Wow! Congrats!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:36:50 -0600

All good, probing questions. Thank you! Why was it necessary? The Queen was showing her children where Jasmine was, who had been gone for about two or three weeks at this point. Yes, the Queen has a history of hurtful behavior regarding her children, but those were more mistakes of omission and unintentional, rather than on purpose. Outside source? No...She's just stubborn and thinks a punishment like this will change her daughter's mind. It is about her faith, but the Queen thinks it has turned her daughter against her. All awesome questions which were answered at other parts of the book. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 19:55:21 -0600

A few things. 1. She has a gun strapped to her thigh. It's actually described before the excerpt. 2. LOL at everything else. Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 21:14:18 -0600

Is this mine? I can't tell. I'll assume it is. Yes, your assumptions are mostly correct! Only mostly though. Allow me to explain. You don't have to read my explanations. I'm just being egotistical here. Stop reading. There's a few bits that are very obviously RPG-ish, like an entire extended turn-based battle sequence that comes out of nowhere when it's generally more of a visceral kind of fighting. That's mostly played up for humor, or in this case when it would be easiest to describe what's going on in RPG terms like 'fall damage'. I don't really get the comparison to Portal, though. Maybe because of the Control Room kind of being like a place you'd expect in the Aperture Science building? To be honest that whole sequence takes place in a replica Bat-Cave. Like from Batman. Yeah. Lord of the Flies definitely, though only in spirit and not really in execution in any way shape or form. I have no idea what Gravity's Rainbow is. I'll make a longer excerpt for next time. Be that way. >:(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 21:17:37 -0600

@AnnieColleen To be honest, I had a hard time following your synopsis or your excerpt. The ending line for the dream was intriguing. I didn't understand the part about the stone men. I liked the line about the girl falling and not realizing when she stopped. Hope this helps. Sorry I didn't get it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 22:50:15 -0600

streamergurl, I was lingering around on the site just before bed, and I was pretty sure that I'd have a difficult time getting through anyone's excerpt... decided to look at yours anyway, and found it more potent then a cup of premium coffee. The dialogue was very stimulating and attention-getting. I thought the events toward the end were well-written, that is to say if you were attempting to emotionally rape the reader. Constructive criticism: "The Queen’s guard assisted the others as they checked the pole, making sure the straps to hold the prisoner’s hands were not in danger of becoming separated from the pole. " The two fragments of this sentence sound a little repetitive since they both end with the same noun. I dunno, maybe I'm just weird like that. I also think that "There is nothing wrong. Join your husband. See whatever it is that he’s supposed to. " Is a little bit jarring technically. I would suggest going with, "See whatever it is that he's supposed to see." Hard for me to pick a favorite line at this hour of the night. Rest assured that you're on the right track. Warmly, am

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:10:02 -0600

I don't know how I missed your critique yesterday and today o.o I feel bad now. Thank you for all the critiques. I'll remember them when i edit it :) I've made a bad habit of returning to this passage and editing it again and again so i really need to stop and write the rest. Woops. But I will remember this! Yeah I'd like to read it to if I ever finish it. I don't think I will be able to since we have all of 3-ish days left. (Stupid school >.<) This might be a newbie question, but do you know if there is a nanowrimo type website that exists outside of the month of november? Also, congrats on 50+k!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:23:07 -0600

Thank you! I know the forums here keep going; there might be a "Keep On Trucking" forum for people who haven't finished. Otherwise, I am a newbie myself, so I don't quite know. But I totally believe in you! You can do it! If you need an editor/proofreader/cheerleader to keep you motivated, I cheerfully offer myself.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:24:24 -0600

@andrew.mack There is a little disconnect between your synopsis and the excerpt, but it doesn't mean the excerpt wasn't interesting. You have a tremendous vocabulary, bordering on officious. By officious, it feels as if you chose the more elaborate word when there was a simpler, yet just as clear, option available. Although, to quote Jerry Seinfeld, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" I think it's definitely an original style and you use it well. The only minor flaw I saw was "He moved onto admire the wall." Should be "on to." I'm sure the formatting is not a problem as you are writing it. The excerpt box is just tricky. Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:55:47 -0600

I guess we'll have to find out then! Becuase I have full intention to keep on trucking straight through december and january if I need to! My own personal cheerleader? Whheeee! Haha, I cheerfully accept :) I'd be delighted to do the same for you. More editor and or proofreader than cheerleader though. I don't think I can pull off a short skirt! Haha

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:11:14 -0600

@Wilson3sd I like the premise of your story. The third sentence in, though, bugs me for some reason. Mayhaps it would be better to word it "The condo she and Nate shared. . ." As it is, it just seems. . .I don't know, awkward. The part about the ceiling fan's beat strikes me as a bit unnecessary, too. You could take out the part about 80 beats a minute and just put in a "whomp whomp whomp", or you could do that AND have it say something along the lines of "the fan went round about 80 times in a minute. She had counted." which would give an impression of the AUGH I CAN'T SLEEP sort of feeling. The next part that I can really spot a problem with is the bit about the bartender's regulars. Switch the "regs" and "regulars"; it works better and is less confusing. That's really about the only things I can spot, aside from a couple small punctuation erros. The only other thing I would advise is to be careful with the part where you talk about their past. Right now, it feels like a little bit of an info dump; not bad, but not advisable. That's about it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:31:36 -0600

First thing I noticed was the repetitive paragraph beginnings. Try re-wording the sentences to switch it up a bit (but not so much that you sound like Yoda). Second, you began a sentence with and. I don't actually know if it is a writing rule to not start sentences with conjunctions but it is something that gets on my nerves and if I saw such a thing in a book I was reading, it would be an instant deal-breaker for me. What was good about your excerpt was the flow of the fight scene. It's very hard to make it flow nicely (usually it sounds like a teen recounting a fight they got into; "I did this and then he did this and then I did this and et al ad infinitum") but you pulled it off with aplomb. Now onto my excerpt. I shook my head no and he began explaining, all the while looking at me like I was stupid. "She is the Ultimate Void, able to drain even the most sane and stable of sentient creatures. Her polor oppisite is the Mirror, who I have noticed you have in your party," he said, pointing a finger at Vesapian. Vesapian sighed at our questioning expressions and said, "Remember the Genesis project?" We all nodded and she contnued, "Well in actualality, Daimeon wasn't the first to be created at all. I was. I am but a clone of Kokoro, a failed one at that. We're intristicly bonded but we are two entirely different people because of an accident with the cloning process. My genes mutated at an unprecidented rate, causing me to look and act nothing like my parent. Even our DNA is different but it doesn't change the fact that I was supposed to be a clone of Kokoro, like Daimeon is of Alaetar but even in his case, a near-perfect one, it still screwed up just a tiny bit, giving Daimeon the appearence of a son of Al's and not his clone. After we appeared, as you should know, the process was perfected and now we can copy a person as easily as we would a sheet of paper." Everyone was staring at her slack-jawed. So this was what Kokoro was refusing to reveal! She was directly responsible for the mass genocide of eighty-six hundred different races of sentinent species! She was the cause of all the evil in the world and to think she called herself the embodyment of justice! I felt oddly empowered by Vesapian's sudden verbose upwelling but I still had a question about what the centaur said. "What does he mean by the 'Mirror'?" She laughed, restoring a little of the fading color to the surroundings and the people around her, and said "I can't be harmed by any attacks, direct or no. Unlike Kokoro, who absorbs the attacks by being the storm drain of reality, I simply make everything just bounce right off. It's a pointless endevor, fighting me is, since no matter how much damage you deal, it still won't kill me." Opening my mouth to protest, I quickly closed it as I realized that I would be wrong if I protested. Vesapian never died because she just kept spitting in the face of Death and pissing in his potted plants on her way out. True death was permentn; Vesapian's had been vacations in a box - or in her case, in a crypt. Out of the shadows, an unexpected creature appeared. Death himself, riding a pale horse, trotted down the street and looked at us through sunken eyes. "Since all of you have refused to stop for me, I shall kindly stop for you. None of you are going to get out of this alive. Kokoro herself isn't even going to survive. I shall take my turn and prove once again, all must come to an end and any attempts to fight this only leads to misfortune. Look at yourselves and tell me I'm wrong. Each of you all have mortal vices and fatal flaws yet you continue to exist because...why? There is no longer a purpose; allow history to progress and put your reign to an end. It was a good, long run but you simply can't exist anymore." I stepped back, amazed. The biggest player in the game, the most powerful piece on the board, was standing before us with our timers in his hands and not giving a fuck about who we were.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 02:39:22 -0600

@Chaos-Insanity BEGIN NITPICKING ACTIVATE. Drain what? People don't generally call it a 'party' unless they're being really meta in an RPG. It's a group, usually. Or just avoid calling it anything in particular; just say "She's with you" rather than "She is in your party". "contnued." "actualality" That whole exposition paragraph is dense and full of made-up words. You cannot reasonably expect someone to follow along to any degree of competency. The paragraph after that one is really stupid because you used waaaaaay too many exclamation marks. The amount of exclamation marks you should use, outside of dialogue, is 0. You have FAILED THAT. You have used INFINITY TIMES the amount of exclamation marks that you are allowed. "bounce right off" is not something a relatively formal-speaking god would say. Nor would a god like bother with a bunch of fantasy-genre misfits without first killing them because it's Tuesday. Do you know how many fantasy-genre groups of misfits that she has most likely encountered? BILLIONS. She has killed eight thousand six hundred SPECIES for christ's sake. That is like 50 trillion people, and that's probably not an exaggeration (46 trillion assuming 5 billion per species). These people are like germs to her. Every time she sneezes at least a couple hundred of these fantasy-genre groups of misfits flies out of her nose and onto a kleenex. This whole conversation is STUPID. "permentn" "endevor" When Death arrives you suddenly made the whole thing even more unbelievable. I... I am actually impressed with how ridiculous this story is. You have my approval all of a sudden. "...why?" is not actually a valid response to the word "because". Your story is not the kind of story that legitimately needs swear words. There is nothing you could possibly do to try and make this grittier. It is fluffy and you can't change that. Embrace your fluffiness. Let it consume you, for it is your only salvation. Alright... Alright I think I'm done. Was that helpful? =D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:06:20 -0600

What do you mean, "repetitive paragraph beginnings"? I'm not quite sure what you mean. . . I don't know if it's against the rules to start a sentence with and. I usually just do it to break up the flow of the things; I'll probably end up changing it in the rolling edits that will be made once I'm done with the book. Thank you for your compliment on my fight scene! I was really worried about it, and I thought that it might end up being choppy. Having never been in a fight, I was just trying to describe the movie in my head that plays while I write. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:17:53 -0600

Somewhat, I could barely understand you though. First, I apologize for the spelling. NaNo ups my words per minute count but slaughters my ability to spell. First point five, the draining he's referring to is the draining of the essential life-force needed for a sentient species to continue existing. Kokoro is the truest (in-universe) example of an impersonal god. She, unlike the other gods, has previously had no care for the lives and doings of things lower than her. This made her into a drain on the populations because she has no personable traits. The vast majority didn't even consider her a "true" god because she didn't intervene in their lives. Then she realized that there had to be a reason why the other gods watched (and intervened in) these lives and when she started doing it, she found it funny. The game had started without her however, so she created her own pieces and set them in the game, just to see what would happen. Also the reason he calls them a party is because he's already dead and realized, life is nothing more than a chess game between the various gods. There's nothing anyone can do to keep from being used as pawns. So he's taken to referring to everything using RPG terms because to him, that's all life is. One big RPG. (I assume this life is something of a simulation since there is a remarkable lack of dragons to kill...but I may be wrong *looks for them* ) Second, made-up words? Where? I think you mean intrinsically and/or unprecedented. Both are words, I assure you. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intrinsic http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unprecedented?show=0&t=1322383686 Third, way too many exclamation marks? I saw it as a valid response to the kindest and least corrupted person you knew turning out to be a complete and utter monster. But I may be wrong; there are some people who would brush that pesky little fact off. Fourth, the one who said "bounce right off" wasn't a god. Nor is she formal speaking (if it comes off that way, I need to do some serious rewording.) Fifth, these are basically clones of gods who were overpowered to begin with (being, you know, essentially gods without the godly-ness) but even more so when Kokoro decided it'd be funny to make them even more powerful and watch them kill things (I suppose that's a bit unclear; Kokoro didn't actually kill the different species, she created the people that did. I consider that direct responsibility, considering the project would have never been even thought of if it hadn't been for her interest in such a thing.) Sixth (woo! let us see if we can make it to ten), the reason Death is lurking around is because in certain cultures and religions, Death is worshiped as a god. Since they are in the land of the gods, he's bound to be there somewhere, due to his on again, off again status as a god. Seventh, this isn't supposed to be gritty. Or fluffy. Or really anything at all. I do apologize; this whole excerpt is kind of weird if you have no background information on it, but it also leads into my favorite part of the book so I guess I should try to find one that isn't quite the WTF bomb this one is. Eighth (and I really should have commented on this before seventh but no going back now), why is indeed a valid response in this context. Death is expressing his lack of knowledge as to why they (the group) continue to exist despite the fact that they should have been defeated a while ago, as that is what has happened to every other empire to ever exist on that world. Less woo, since I didn't make it to ten but more woo for walls of words!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 04:29:51 -0600

They = two used consecutively He and she = used twice in the same order for four paragraphs This and the are just generally weak words, and should be avoided if they can.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 05:15:17 -0600

1. Party is not a chess term. 2. By made-up words I mean Vasapian, Damiean, Kokoro, and Alaetar. Those names are words that you made up. It is confusing. 3. You have to get that across without looking like a twat, however. Show not tell blah blah blah. 4. She is invincible and therefore god-like. 5. Yeah I don't care about any of that. It is not all that interesting in its current layout. 6. BUT HE COMES OUTTA NOWHERE WITH NO PRECEDENT AND IT IS REALLY FUNNY 7. You made it fluffy. It is fluffy and adorable. 8. Not grammatically! =D In case I seem mean, keep in mind that I am a SINGLE OPINION. JUST THE ONE. YOU CAN REMAIN BLISSFULLY STUBBORN IF YOU WANT AND I CANNOT DO ANYTHING. ONWARD MY NOBLE STEED.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 07:52:56 -0600

@creatorx2 You did a great job of describing the "normal" scene in the beginning with Owl making nachos. I liked that he checked the fridge for traps before opening the door. This gives a sense of the world he's been living in for a while without going into detail. It would have been easier if you had named the people in the room before we got too far into the excerpt, instead of naming and describing people as you go. I had to keep adding important info while trying to remember what had happened in the paragraph before when this character was needed for something. Okay, Licky can de-summon imps. What the heck is a Cthrope? The only thing I got was maybe a snake. I'm sure it's described elsewhere in the book, but I was busy trying to figure out what it was. I understand your use of made up brand names were done because this was a TV show and you needed the words. However, they were a bit distracting. The bit about Owl accidently picking the right word seemed unnecessary. Nitpicky stuff: Did you mean to use Celcius instead of Farenheight? You said making nachos. I think tortilla chips and orange spreadable cheese. You make a point to say Nacho Chips (brand name here) and then Mozzerella Cheese (brand name here). That's not immediately what comes to mind when I hear that someone is making nachos. Why would the character CRAWL INTO the "dangerous-looking" black hole? And how did the characters who were not at the stove know it was a black hole when Owl didn't say that? And then after you describe it as "dangerous-looking," you say it's harmless. You obviously have a very crazy world for the sake of your insane TV show. You did a good job at describing it and the strangeness...but it would have been more interesting to read about one of these strange tasks the house has to do. Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 07:56:36 -0600

@Chaos-Insanity I'd like a bit more detail in your synopsis just so that I have a better bearing when I go to read the excerpt. It's an interesting conversation between these people but without more setup before they begin talking, I'm unsure exactly what I'm reading here. Maybe you could give us a paragraph before that sets it up? It would be nice to see more of a variance in the dialogue, differences in how the characters speak so that they are identifiable in that way alone. That always makes a story more interesting. The dialogue is also informative, but perhaps overly so. I understand that Vesapian's educating the others and in novels these types of interactions are necessary for educating the reader as well. However, I would shorten it down to the bare essentials or else it feels like an info dump. The same with Death's speech. In fact I wouldn't have Death say too much of anything, cryptic speech would be more satisfying coming from him. His appearance is sudden and random, but if this is something he does throughout the novel then it should work fine. I would just make sure the main character's reaction to Death's suddenness matches that of the reader's--being WTH, where did he come from?, etc. I have to agree with @creatorx2 in that the exclamation marks are overdone in that paragraph. One is sufficient to capture the surprise. After that first sentence they aren't needed. I am curious to see where this story is going, I'm not sure I understand just what it's about though since the synopsis is kind of short and I don't have a good handle on the setting from this excerpt. But as long as that's covered within the rest of the novel then it's fine. Good luck with finishing it, looks like you're almost done! BTW: Party is a valid term to use here. It doesn't only belong to RPGs. And I also didn't get a fluffy feel from this. It's not dark or gritty either, but more middle of the road.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:20:30 -0600

@creatorx2 While the world is imaginative and the character unusual, I didn't feel that there was a lot of forward movement in this excerpt and wasn't entirely engaged by what I read. Perhaps because it felt a bit bogged down with the Copyright Parenthesizes and the strange behaviors of the characters. The parenthesizes don't work for me, they seem irrelevant in this excerpt, so unless the company's making these products are involved in the plot somehow I would remove them. I would also cut down on the swearing. It's overdone here and feels less Trainspotting and more Teenager. I am interested in the imps and how they came to bother the group and just what they're going to do about them. The weapons aren't described so I'm assuming you do that earlier than this excerpt. Your character names are unique but I wouldn't go too far out of the realm of normal than you have or it'll feel forced. At any rate, it's different and I'd be interested in reading more to find out just what the plot is and where you're going with it. @streamergurl I don't have a lot of critique for you. I know that Jasmine's situation is explained throughly earlier on since I have skimmed through your excerpts before without commenting. It sounds like a good story and your writing is certainly up to the task of displaying it. My one suggestion is to remove the line - See whatever it is that he’s supposed to. - it doesn't feel needed here. Otherwise, that's it from me! Enjoy your editing process this December and if you'd like another set of eyes I'd be willing to give it a read for you.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:01:06 -0600

Thank you! I will desperately need another set of eyes on this story. NaNoMail me your email address if you want to read through it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:05:35 -0600

M'kay, thank you. I have always had a problem with dialogue; everyone comes out sounding like me. Fine for formal-speaking gods, not so for hoodlums living in the projects (his dialogue makes me giggle; I definitely need to change something or everything there.) I think I'm going to take Vesapian's dialogue out since if you have read the first book, you already knew of the Genesis project and consequences of it. I'm simply restating things for those people who start a book series right in the middle or (gasp!) at the end. I'm probably going to change that whole section to make everything seem more wispy and unreal because while they think that this is just another part of the land of the gods, in reality they're in Kokoro's dream world where nothing but what she desires applies. This becomes more apparent later on (lamb-plants anyone?) and vital but it should be apparent the moment they pass the boundary. To tell you the truth, I don't know what it's about either. My original intent was to simply create a stereotypical fantasy story. I'm pretty sure I failed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:11:56 -0600

Ah, I totally didn't get that this is supposed to be a dream. Adding in surreal elements and making it 'wispy' as you said will get that across. I have problems with dialogue as well, though mine lies more in including dialogue period. My characters don't talk much lol What number in the series is this? That's cool that you've managed more than one!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:22:30 -0600

Second. There's one before and one to come after. I'm planning to end this one on a cliffhanger where they temporarily step back from trying to kill Kokoro to work with her and kill Death for trying to end them. It's going to end with a fight scene between them and Death where Death actually gets very close to dying and loses his scythe. Whether or not he actually dies is entirely something that will be found out in the third book. The only thing that is for certain at this point is, Kokoro actually dies. She forgets that you have to fight Death indirectly because coming in contact with him will kill you, and tries to punch him in the face. She dies of a heart-attack.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 13:18:17 -0600

@corelle I don't have anything to say about yours. I've read it multiple times before without saying anything, and now that I have to say something, nothing comes to mind. It's very good, really, and there were times where I had to shut my mouth because I was gaping at it. Alright, so maybe that was a bit over the top there, but honestly, it was a good read. c: Question- are you adding another excerpt there, too, for Thrives in the Dark? It seems very interesting.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 13:39:00 -0600

LOL thanks! Over-the-top reaction or not, it's great to hear. I've just gone ahead and added an excerpt from Thrives In The Dark. It's actually a short story and what's posted in my profile is all that I've written so far. It's a bit much for an excerpt but then you don't have to feel obligated to read it in it's entirety, or at all.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 13:53:58 -0600

@The Empress I just realized that you added to your excerpt so I thought I'd comment on it. I'm glad that you've offered us more to read and now that I've got a better idea of the princes' personalities I'm even more interested in what happens here. It's definitely entertaining and yet isn't a throw-away type that I'm always inclined to disregard. I think that as long as you keep it balanced with realism (in their speech and their actions (to an extent :D)) this story will read just fine and continue to be engaging. I'm trying to think of a critique but at the moment I don't have one...I think so far it's doing just fine and I'd love to read it in its entirety.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

creatorx2 — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 14:26:12 -0600

Most of the stuff was meant to be funny. I thought it would be funny if he made up a random word to describe something and it turned out to be correct. Also, brand names are a throw-away plot point that come up now and then. Also I'm not entirely sure how to actually make nachos so I just made it up as I went along. Nitpicky stuff! It's Celcius. Because it's more preposterous with Celcius. He crawls into it because he is extreme and dangerous and awesome. They know it's a black hole because that's what it looks like, also I never feel it's absolutely necessary to convey how people know what's going on all the time; I just take it for granted. There are no strange tasks the house has to do. They mostly fight each other. This was a rare moment of romance.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 16:35:19 -0600

That sounds like a good place to end this novel. Especially given what Kokoro's name means :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:11:23 -0600

@corelle I love your writing style. Very easy to keep reading. "Sal isn't the most brutal of the Lawn, or the strongest," I think 'or' should be 'nor' in this case, since both ideas here are negative. "he lets his mind wonder" Do you mean 'wander'?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:20:36 -0600

Tooterfish Your excerpt is brilliant! I usually hate robots in anything but yours managed to be funny and interesting at the same time. Are your characters on a ship or a space shuttle-like contraption? I couldn't tell but aside from that the writing was superb and the description just enough but not too much to distract me from the overall direction of the story. It was a great read. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:49:09 -0600

It's a spaceship. Thanks! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:51:57 -0600

D: I didn't even realize that was a word! More surprising is how fitting the meaning is... I think I have a built-in translator. This is the fifth time words I thought were nonsense, have turned out to actually have a meaning.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:59:36 -0600

@scains: This might just be me, but I'd say put an extra line between paragraphs. It makes it less of a block of words. (It also makes your page count longer on Word, which is awesome) But that's probably just me so don't worry about it too much. Is the Vampire King supposed to be really straight-forward? If not, I'd maybe have her assume he is the King by what he is wearing or how the others re-act to him. I'd like to see more of Emilie's emotions and reactions to him. "A man, a tall, slim man with curly black hair"; cut out the first part "a man" since that's kind of repetitive. And again, if it's her boyfriend, you really should have her reaction to him being there. Don't just use the King to explain everything she should already know. Have her thoughts and emotions explain to the reader what is going on. From then on you definetly use Emilie's emotions well, so I would continue to exploit that. Also to help your word count, add lots of details. Especially Dominic's wound. Just throwing in a few details like that can really help a lot, since it seems to be over-powered by dialouge. It's a great premise though. I was a little cautious being that it is a vampire novel, but you redeemed yourself. When you do your second draft just keep embellishing your writing. :) Best of luck to you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

scains — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 19:16:10 -0600

Okay thanks so much I am going to copy/paste your critique so that I can go back to it when I edit and stuff. You've given me a lot to think about thank you. And it is a vampire novel but it's not a horribly lovesick teenage vampire novel. Thank goodness =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 19:37:05 -0600

LOL the only reason I even noticed is because I'm studying Japanese. Otherwise, I never look for the hidden meaning behind names and rarely use names in my own works because of their meanings. The only exception to this so far has been the Master Undertaker in 'Being What It Is'. I can't resist giving him a name that means something. Just have to decide between Hikari (Light - He lives in the city's ground level, called the Basement because it's always dark) or Shinda (Lifeless in Body). I'm thinking probably Shinda, though I'm partial to names that begin in 'Hi'.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 19:37:51 -0600

Yay for real vampire novels! I admire your courage for writing one that is not another Twilight in this horrible draught of good vampire novels. It's about time Dracula and Interview with a Vampire were resurrected! =D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 19:38:52 -0600

@Silver Fallen: This is nicely easy to follow, and the situation in relation to the character makes it interesting. One thing that caught me - the guards are mentioned multiple times, but there's no mention of who controls the guards. Is this place ruled by the military? Otherwise I'd guess it was the ruler ordering public executions as warnings, not the guards. publicly executed in front of the rest of their people This is a bit redundant; if it's public, of course it's in front of their people. Unless you mean the criminal's family is forced to watch, or something, but it doesn't read that way. she wondered if a man such as himself waited before the gates of Hell. She promised herself that she would never find out. Good line here. (Maybe "such as this" instead of "such as himself"? It's a bit awkward.) When she looked up at him, she was surprised. redundancy here also. You just said she looked up, and the next sentence says he's not what she expected. Just the fact that he had boots so valuable was a shocker to Hera, who was accustomed to running around barefoot. This slips into modern-sounding diction (shocker, running around), which jars with the rest of the scene. ...little things, mostly; easy enough to clean up in December. Nice job overall!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:11:53 -0600

Ooh, thank you c: When I finish it, I'll definitely let you take a looksie c: And yes, I added on because I saw a lot of people had long excerpts and I though, "Eh, so I'll just copy and paste for a few more paragraphs," c:

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

The Empress — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:16:24 -0600

@AnnieColleen Oh gosh that was close. I almost clicked 'Report' instead of 'reply'. But anyways, back to your excerpt c: It's wunderbar! The thing is, there are so many spaces that it doesn't look at all paragraphs- more like a story written in poetic form. If you were going for that, well great, because that's what I noticed c: If not, well, I'm sorry... but that's what I noticed >A> Uhm, and since I just practically gave birth to a paragraph, I'm a bit brain dead. So, sorry for the lack of additional critique. Q.Q...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:51:52 -0600

Hey, I could have had a mod critique also? :p And, thank you! Yeah, I know the paragraphs are a problem. Partly the web formatting (it's better in Word); partly a dialog-heavy scene; but it's definitely something I'll need to look at again.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:53:44 -0600

2. Actually, all are words save for Alaetar. Vesapian = Vespasian, a Roman emperor, Kokoro is Japanese for heart or spirit, depending on how you translate it, and Daimeon = Damon spelled weirdly so it'd be hard to figure out where it came from. They are authentic names, except for Alaeter, who I just tried to make sound Greek-ish.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Silver Fallen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 22:05:02 -0600

Thank you! I'm going to edit this like a fiend once I finish writing it. IF i finish writing it! Haha. I'm kind of glad you mentioned that last part because I had been thinking it was awkward too, but I wasn't sure if that was just me since I wrote it, or if it did need a little tweaking. So thank you for that. Congrats on 50k :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:23:23 -0600

@TheEmpress You capitalize "higher-ups" in one sentence, but not in another. "They opened the door," You were only talking about one Watcher, right? 'They' implies plural. Make it 'he opened the door' or mention multiple Watchers. "...no normal female would have the stocky build of a man's." A man's what? "Yet, how strange it was that despite the obvious manly being, this person carried themselves like a royal princess." You're only talking about one person, so 'themselves' isn't the proper pronoun. If you're unsure of the sex, say 'him or herself.' Since it's a man (right?) you'd say 'himself." "Even the way he sat on the first of the five seats looked feminine, his feminine-ness even affecting his surroundings, making the silver chair he sat on look as though 'twas meant for a females bottom. " You use 'even' twice in one sentence. I'd omit the middle bit (his feminine-ness even affecting his surroundings) because it's kind of unnecessary. It's hard to tell from this one excerpt, but is your novel narrated by a tangible character? If not, I wouldn't use 'twas, since it's kind of a colloquialism. Generally the narration is done in proper English, and any colloquialisms are saved for dialogue. Ignore that if your narrator is a character, however. :) Females should have an apostrophe indicating possession (female's). "holding a portrait of the second-prince" Is there a reason this is hyphenated? "Then, the two servants did a quick bow to the Higher-Ups, bowing to the next person to come in, though their fists did seem to clench a bit." This is a bit of a run-on sentence. It might be better written as "Then, the two servants did a quick bow to the Higher-Ups, followed by a bow to the next person to come in, etc." "Though his appearance was average, but there was something about his eyes" Scratch 'though' and this will make more sense. "his face looked like that of someone who did not, in any moment in his life, wished to see any of the princes gathered rule Alhiad." Wished should be wish. " was it possible that it's likeness" It's shouldn't have an apostrophe. "Are you thinking of taking the crown then, Hari?" questioned the twins. The third brother asked, "Or are you going to save us?" Two separate people talking ought to be in separate paragraphs. It's not a hard rule, I don't think, but it makes it easier for the reader to follow. All in all, interesting scene! I find the talking painting amusing... awesome way for an agoraphobe to interact with the outside world!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 10:55:17 -0600

Aaaahhh I killed it. >.> Sorry! Bumping back to the first page.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:13:46 -0600

LOL Oops. Thanks for the corrections!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:24:02 -0600

@Tooterfish I quite like your excerpt, and I honestly. . .can't find anything to critique. The only thing that I might warn against is that at points it felt a bit too un-human and unidentifiable. Otherwise, there's not really anything! Very interesting :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:31:55 -0600

@ -Tooterfish -- I'm so happy I got to read this. It was really fun and your excerpt flowed well. You handle dialouge very well and the characters are fun and likable. I don't know however why the Robit had to use CAPS, but somehow it may have forced my inner voice to read that in really robbot-esque voice wich was awesome. I made a few coment in brackets while I read and I'll chopp chopp those scenteses in below so that you can see: He brought his hand up, expecting to see the numbers there. [There was nothing, however; his hand was bare. -- this one sounds a bit clunky] “54321,” he mumbled to himself. He spun the ring on his finger. “12345.” [Makes me so curious about the real numbers] Pax was silent. He didn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he said, “I see.” [Hahaha Brilliant!] Pax ignored the robot and continued to the cargo bay. From the stairs, he could see Cen hunched over a metal worktable. [Where the table had come from, Pax had no idea. -- sounds a bit backwards.. Pax had no idea where the table had come from] When Pax approached, he saw [that] it was full of meticulously arranged electronic items: wiring, tools, circuit boards, and a thousand other items he didn’t know the names of. “I closed my eyes!” he responded, realizing he had used the plural and deciding not to correct himself.[NICE!] Pax obeyed and walked to the table. On its top sat a metal contraption that appeared to be made from the same brass-colored metal as Robit. It looked like it had begun life as a pair of goggles, but had been subjected to Frankenstein-esque alterations.[Beautiful. Really liked this.] Cen’s smile didn’t fade. “Like a bionic lizard.” [Noooo! Like a bionic pirate - Arrrrgggh!]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:36:11 -0600

Oups... I didn't see yours. I'll do yours too! Hold on a sec!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:55:54 -0600

@ Katarinea -- By staff I suppose you mean stave? Ok, So I find that your fight scene is fairly technical and I have no problem imagining what's happening. That being said I feel that you slow down the pace unnessesary by fill-outs like what's in brackets here: As their enemy closed in, she spun around [-- albeit badly --] and put her back to Areya's, [as she had seen some of the men do in group spars]. She held the staff by the middle [as she had seen Areya do], and bared her teeth in a fierce snarl. They came at her, and she swung the staff around [as she could -- as what ash she could? Hard?], aiming at the men's legs. It knocked two down, [who hadn't been expecting her to swing very hard.] The other two stumbled but did not fall,[ and she decided to leap forward and swing at their heads. -- just do it!] The staff whistled through the air and just barely hit the side of one man's head, and then the staff went out of control. She managed to save it by anchoring it in the ground and kicking off from it back into her spot at Areya's back, where she pulled the staff from the ground and snarled at the men once more. Then I also feel that you sometimes give descriptions that are fairly ominescent.. As if you are writing from the POV as someone looking down at this that knows about all involved. You say the men had not expected the force in her swing, and you say that her gaze was frightning... Show don't tell. Write the surprice in the men's face and their flinch when Keren glare at them. A few small things: She could see the other two men getting up from where they had fallen, and she knew if they came at her she would be [sunk -- is she a boat?]. [So then, -- scratch] she made a [decision -- again.. jusyt do it! Don't slow down your action], and prepared to execute her [decision] with a steady gaze and a strange smile curling her lips. This is exciting, she thought. [First time I know what she feels.. about all this] He was staring at her, shocked, and she hissed at him to show [her displeasure at being attacked -- how much she appreciated being attacked]. The weapon sang through the air once more and caught him upside of the head, sending him staggering; this was the one she had hit in the head before, and it wouldn't take much more to knock him out. She spun the staff and knocked him in the side of the head. He fell to the ground, temporarily dead to the world. One left, [her mind supplied -- she noted.]. This is FUN! [it added on in a shout. -- It sounds a bit schizofrenic.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:22:59 -0600

*bumps back to first page*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:54:45 -0600

@fni Okay, I thought this Tom was the immortal guy, not Lui. The only thing that stuck out to me was this quote. “My style as a backseat driver will mimic you as a driver. If you’re horrible, so will I.” Shouldn't it be, "I will be, too" or something like that? "Will" doesn't seem to fit the sentence, no matter how many times I read it. On a different note, Laura is no longer afraid of the person that kidnapped her. And I totally think Lui knows she looked in the case.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:55:06 -0600

I forgot to say this, too. Great excerpt!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:59:24 -0600

Thanks =) Yeah they are boath immortals Lia and Tom. Used to be buddies back in the days ;) Of course Lui knows Laura looked in the case. He's not that ignorant.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:59:56 -0600

@fni I like your ability to convey the emotions of your characters authentically and to describe what is happening in a way that allows your reader to see and hear what is going on. With that said, I wanted MORE of it. It was a little hard for me to jump right into your excerpt because I didn't understand where we were or why, and as such, some description regarding the surroundings would have been great. I got caught up in it once it got to the part about picking the combination - that was really good. It flowed, it was exciting, I could feel it, see it. I liked the banter between the two characters as well. I think this excerpt would be GREAT if you edited it so its very tight. I think your writing is good but I don't think you are trusting your reader to understand what's going on and as such, you are saying the same thing too often and drawing it out to the point of losing the excitement rather than just moving on to the next excitingly cool thing that you obviously can write very easily.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:01:29 -0600

*Lui, that is not. Lia. And the "I'll be too" is great! Thanks I struggled with that line.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:03:32 -0600

Geolie: I like your style. There's an interesting mix of bluntness and poetic phrasing, and I found myself engaged at the end of the first paragraph. But there's an inconsistency that struck me at the occasional breaking of the fourth wall: "you see," "the import of this story"--those phrases give the story a fairytale-like, oral history air that seems at odds with the complicated phrasing that you use. It was slightly jarring, at least to me. Some in-depth style critiques though: ...as if it was no big deal that the idiot wasn’t intelligent enough to know the appropriate role of a live-in girlfriend... - what is the appropriate role of a live-in girlfriend, according to Khet? As far as I can tell from the context, it would be just...don't...throw parties for your boyfriend's kid? Does Khet feel like this is overstepping the blonde's boundaries? A personal note: I don't hear Tom Petty's "American Girl" as a lonely, painful, angst-ridden song. I looked up the lyrics after reading your excerpt, and yes, the lyrics sound that way now that I finally read them through, but the song itself kind of sounds cheerful to me. I never heard any of the emotion that was mentioned in your excerpt, and so I was a little skeptical when it hit Khet so hard. It might help if there was emotional context to the breakdown scene, apart from remembering her youth, or if you quoted the verses of the song instead of the chorus, which have a lot more emotion than "Oh yeah all right." You see, Khet’s young, burgeoning dreams didn’t include ex-husbands and children, but rather foresaw only an advanced degree... - I would rephrase this to say "Young Khet's burgeoning dreams didn't include ex-husbands and children, but rather an advanced degree..." Sometimes you insert extra phrases that are redundant and don't need to be there (see what I did there? ;P), and your wordy style (while not bad in and of itself) is compromised as a result. Another example: So, with none of the promised mysterious forces baling her out of this teeth-grinding soiree, she falls back, not on her mother’s forgiveness-oriented, talk-yourself-down-before-you-hurt-someone mantra of “What would Jesus do?,” but instead channels her favorite fictional heroine... - remove "channels" entirely, because "falls back on" already does the job. Or alter the sentence so that it's two sentences, and "channels" a second verb. For a non-verb example: her fair skin and green eyes more often described as “striking,” if she is described at all - just "...her fair skin and eyes more often described as striking, if described at all." The "she is" doesn't contribute and in fact contradicts the previously stated subjects (eyes and hair). Wow that's a long paragraph. Another thing to look at is the oft-quoted "show don't tell." I see you doing this with phrases like “Hi Nathan,” she says clumsily and looking uncomfortably away. I'd like to see why she says it clumsily, instead of being told it's clumsy. Does she say it too loud, too heartily, does she stutter? I do the same thing with my writing, using my adverbs to tell instead of show. And in my opinion, Nathan looking away is uncomfortable itself, and I don't need to be told that it's uncomfortable. More places to refine: "a gloat-like feeling" can just be "gloating." "strapping on feigned enjoyment" can just be "strapping on enjoyment"--"strapping" conveys that it's feigned already. ...a small spike of bitter jealousy that wonders strikes me as wrong--the jealousy wouldn't wonder, Khet would. One more note: I'd like to read Khet's full name somewhere in the beginning of the excerpt, and even though I understand that this is the beginning of the story, I wish I had seen some of the subjects mentioned in the synopsis, the women's group, the murder trial, and the redemption (from what?) If given a red pen, I would probably mark up your excerpt all to hell, questioning word choice, inserting hyphens, and removing all the quotation marks around C-7, but that doesn't mean that I don't like it. I really enjoyed reading it, and I feel like if you pulled back a little on your natural wordiness, and used a little simplicity, your style and the story could really shine through.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:13:53 -0600

*waves at next poster* I was skipped, and aiuku needs a review.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:14:34 -0600

He brought his hand up, expecting to see the numbers there. [There was nothing, however; his hand was bare. -- this one sounds a bit clunky] You know, I just realized that this rhymes. LOL! Yeaahhhh it needs a little changing. I try to consciously omit "that" from my writing whenever I can manage. I think it's grossly overused in general and thrown in a lot of places it really doesn't belong. Basically, if I can take it out and leave the sentence still making sense, then I do. I have no idea whether that practice is grammatically, correct, however, because the only usage rules I can find in reference to "that" are only talking about "that" vs "which." Thanks for the critique! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:29:40 -0600

I fully agree to get rid off as many that-s as you can, but in that (hih) sentence I missed it. He brought his hand up, expecting to see the numbers scribled/tatooed/burnet in his palm/on the back. However there was nothing; his hand was bare/clean/unmarked... Good luck with the rest of the story and/or editing, ^_*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 01:35:11 -0600

Thanks for the feedback - you hit on a lot of the points I questioned myself. I especially appreciate the feedback about the "jarring" narration. I was actually going for a fairy tale feel so it is satisfying that you got that - what I have to rethink, of course, is whether it works throughout the story.. The rest of the editing - I'm with you - simplicity almost always wins out. : )

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:48:14 -0600

*bumps board back to front page*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 10:55:06 -0600

@streamergurl There is nothing wrong with your writing - it is technically fine. What is missing from your writing is actual "life." I sense you don't care about these characters, that you don't have any real feeling about them, don't know them personally, don't feel what they are feeling. Because of that, neither can I, your reader, and as a reader, that is what I'm looking for. What is the back story of these characters? Why are they here? What are their quirks? Here is what I suggest: use someone you know and cast them in the part of one of your characters, - quirks, facial inflections and all. Rewrite your excerpt while visualizing the action. Document what is going on. That might help you "breathe life" into your writing. Again, you are at such an advantage because your writing is clear. You don't have the technical problems to contend with that many of us do. When you write, make sure you are feeling what your characters are feeling as you write - I'm pretty sure that's the missing link. If you can't feel literally feel it when you are writing, we won't feel it when we read it. Work with your characters until you can.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:05:50 -0600

@aiuku Your writing itself is fine. In reading your excerpt, though, I am not getting caught up with it and effortlessly moving from word to word. I think that is easily fixable and give you the same advice you gave me - simplify. Here is what I think happened for both of us - we overworked our excerpts. We describe so much, give so much detail, that it doesn't allow the reader's imagination to engage. We put them in the box and stifle them with details instead of moving them along with action, giving just enough details to turn on their imagination, that mental picture in their heads. This is my humble guess. Please take it for what it is - especially in light of the fact that the genre is not one I normally read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:07:07 -0600

@aiuku I'm slightly confused by this excerpt since the last time I read one of your's Rezi was much younger, yes? And yet Satby doesn't seem surprised by her appearance. Perhaps I'm wrong about her earlier age though. It's not like I've been reading the story from start to finish so I've probably missed something. A few things: If the pears grow in the desert then the desert probably isn't what limits their growth. At least not in the way that I automatically thought. Perhaps you could clarify that they are still rare in their growth? It just seemed an odd comment to me, a bit contradictory. Also, I would try to eliminate some of the abstractions you're using. For example - "Yes?" Satby inserted encouragingly. If you remove inserted and change the next word's form to 'ed', it reads stronger -- "Yes?" Satby encouraged. I would also take out the second abstraction in the last line -- Satby gestured expansively. "Say no more," he said magnanimously. "Damsels in distress are my specialty." To read either -- Satby gestured expansively. "Say no more, damsels in distress are my specialty." or -- "Say no more," Satby gestured expansively, "Damsels in distress are my specialty." Abstractions tend to be weaker and there is almost always a better way to describe your meaning. Not to say you should never use them. Just sparingly...(abstraction! lol) They're really best reserved for dialogue.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:08:41 -0600

@streamergurl 'Fraid I've read this excerpt already... I did do @aiuku's though, so TO NEXT POSTER: The Backlog is @streamergurl and myself (@corelle).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:09:11 -0600

Thanks for reading! I have to admit I'm a bit stumped though. This scene, as well as others, were difficult to write because of the emotion involved - for the character and for me. And you seem to be the first person who doesn't get that emotion frome reading this scene. I DO care about these characters, which made scenes like this difficult.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:09:28 -0600

OMG, I hate when I post the same time as someone. And of course, there's not delete button... *grumbles*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:12:14 -0600

I'm sure the edit button will come. But at this rate, probably mid December. :(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:42:25 -0600

That's interesting. I can only tell you my experience. When I read things, I either feel nothing, or I physically feel emotion, engagement/connection of some sort. When I feel emotion, I almost don't even have to comprehend the words I'm reading. Often times there will only be one section that I can feel out of an entire excerpt, and in my mind, it was at that moment that the writer was really connected, really feeling what was going on. Less often I read people's writing and every word just vibrates with intensity. In analyzing it (because I want to recreate it as well, of course - we are all struggling with this art), it doesn't seem to be about word placement, though well placed words help the flow and comprehension incredibly - it seems to be that the writer truly "knows" the character and is feeling every bit of the character as s/he writes. Almost like an actor, the writer "becomes" that character, changing the writer's voice, the brain waves, even, so it is the voice of the character that is heard, not the writer. For me, I'm not feeling those emotional changes from character to character. Just know, this is just a guess on my part. I'm trying to figure out how this really works, what that "secret sauce" is like everyone else and what I'm saying could be absolutely wrong. It could be as simple as a matter of taste. I just have to say, though, from someone who really is trying to help, not just be "nice," I really don't think that's it....

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:50:07 -0600

Um, so I guess now it's me and @Geolie that need to be reviewed...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:13:35 -0600

@Corelle I love your writing. It is gripping, dark, smart, visual. I could hear the deep growling, hushed voice of the pedophile/pimp character. It got too heavy for me though. I wanted a break - to be able to coast mentally for a bit while I absorbed the richness of what I just read. It was a too much of a really good thing in a very interesting way (this is great because I never would have thought about this before). My mind couldn't keep up with all the details you were throwing at me. I simply could no longer juggle all the information bits. Does that make sense? I loved it because I had to think, wanted to think about what you were saying, but I couldn't keep up that level of focus - and as an attorney, I can handle a lot of written words. One thing that didn't hit me right...the comment about the name being better for his dreams. The guy I was feeling didn't sit around dreaming about things, he just had an urge and took it. Dreams are for people who are frightened or thoughtful - not aggressive perverts with no sense of morality. I've represented a lot of actual criminals and people who should be criminals, and i can't imagine hearing that out of any of them unless they were being incredibly sarcastic. If that's where you were going, I didn't get a lead that would tip off sarcasm for me. With all of that said, please know I really, really like and respect your style.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:28:41 -0600

No, Rezi is the same age. What made you think she was younger earlier? Hmm. Chronologically, this happens only a week or so after Satby first encounters her, which was my first excerpt, and quite some time before the Vaszjid incident, if you've read that. Rereading that pear thing, that phrase does seem a little awkward. I'll do something about that. Also, yes, I just reached this scene in my editing and I realized I had adverbbed way too much (ironic, since that's something I tend to critique about others' excerpts). Cut cut cut. All gone now! :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:33:45 -0600

I feel like I sometimes don't give enough detail, so it's odd that you say that. But I'll definitely keep that in mind while I edit, something to measure against. And to be honest, this scene isn't one of the strongest. I chose it because it gives a better encapsulation of the story (it's only the second scene) than, say, a stealthy sneaking sequence that's more about action. But thank you for the critique! I'll do my best to get out of the box. :P

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:39:35 -0600

LOL I don't know why I though she was younger before. I didn't get the sense the in the first excerpt that she was all that old...at least I don't think I did. It's been a while now and I've done a lot of reading since then XD Plus with how Satby seemed to focus on her age for a moment - comparing against the last time he saw her - it gave me the impression that she had gotten older somehow. But, as that is obviously not the case, I can see that he was just identifying her through what he remembers of her from their previous encounter. My mind is silly sometimes. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:53:47 -0600

Thanks for the review! I've been told before that my prose tends to be a bit heavy. It's something that I'm working on and there are scenes right after this that are hopefully lighter and will give time for readers to absorb the material. It's an issue that started from writing 100-word drabbles of FanFiction. My writing got too tight and specifically detailed, and...rich I suppose :D that I now have a hard time turning it off. The line about his dreams has been changed multiple times already. It started as something else...'imagination' if I'm remembering right, but didn't include him naming the kid Junah. Once I realized that he's the one who gave Junah his name, I altered the line to include that and ended up with dreams. But, even psychopaths dream. However, the line hasn't sat right with me since I changed it, so I will eventually edit it to something else. Probably. If I can think of something better. Which I may have just done. Though it will add mystery...not sure if more of that is needed lol

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:08:00 -0600

'Dream' line is changed. Hopefully this will work out like I'm picturing it will. This line actually has a lot to do with the plot of the story since the basic theme here is revenge and Junah's kind of messed up (worse) after this event. The Name ties him to this man. BTW, is it clear that the man from the Prologue is not Sal? Or does it seem like they're the same people?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

aiuku — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:11:00 -0600

Well, good! I'm glad I picked up on the fact that you were aiming for a fairytale feel. I think my issue was just that it was slightly inconsistent. If you put some more references to that in, it may come across better.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:17:15 -0600

"Is that so? I'll call you Junah then, there's truth in that." OMG, you just slayed me with that one. Beautiful. Please keep it. I thought the man in the Prologue and Sal were the same person.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:28:32 -0600

Take it with a grain of salt, I have no real idea. It has been great reading these excerpts, though. I think what happens is that at first we write and its bland. So then we add detail, detail, detail...and the reader simply can't absorb it all, no matter how good it is. I think I'm getting what writers mean when they say give the reader a break. We need to be able to coast a little mentally now and then.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:49:43 -0600

[quote=Geolie] "Is that so? I'll call you Junah then, there's truth in that." OMG, you just slayed me with that one. Beautiful. Please keep it. [/quote] Awesome~ The more I stare at the line, the more I'm liking where my mind is taking it. It's definitely staying. [quote=Geolie] I thought the man in the Prologue and Sal were the same person. [/quote *sigh* I was afraid of that. I'll mark it for clarity editing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:53:07 -0600

@Geolie I really, really like your style of writing. It feels very comfortable, familiar, and, frankly, is the way I feel like I write. (at least when I do it well) A nit, or two: -Were all the men at the party ex-husbands of someone? Although I liked the connection to the next sentence, "her" ex-husband, I think it gives off the wrong impression. -"Not to be long savored" would flow better as "Not long to be savored." I do the same thing, and it always feels right putting it on paper, sometimes it just doesn't work for me. -If it is gloat-like, why not say a gloating impulse, or a smug sense of satisfaction/superiority. Khet seems to be an interesting character, maybe not whiskey soaked enough to go the full Scarlett. However, definitely interesting. One other thing, and it's not bad just intriguing, I like the parallel you draw between the emotions of her as a girl when she "felt everything," and as a woman when she "didn't feel very much." The distinction though, is in the "like all women." Maybe I need to Nanomail you my questions on this, I feel like there's a solid philosophical point there.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:54:44 -0600

@ Geolie -- since you had excerpt from many chapters and had written that one was already critiqued, I abritrary chose C7. Wow.. Your style is fairly wordy. I would suggest to try and read the scentences out loud and when you get blue from lack of air you go -- "Ned punctuation here!" That being said you don't lack words for what you want to say. If you make it more reader-friendly with some space and punctuation you can still retain the fairy-tale style that I read earlier that you're aiming fore. Only two examples where your sentences make me gasp for air: [Finding the room number at long last, she takes a moment to tuck back her hair and her composure before walking into the classroom where, upon entry, she almost collides with an ex-husband strategically wedged between the diminutive coat hooks and the easy reader chapter books.] [Mumbling an incomprehensible explanation of sorts, he extricates himself from the bookshelf and moves away, and, as the significantly enlarged backside stuffed in wide-whaled corduroy pants scoots itself towards the more friendly territory that is his admittedly smart, though perpetually confused-looking - and tritely-named - girlfriend, Heather, a gloat-like feeling flows comfortingly over her weary nerves.]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:58:55 -0600

[quote=aiuku] Also, yes, I just reached this scene in my editing and I realized I had adverbbed way too much (ironic, since that's something I tend to critique about others' excerpts). Cut cut cut. All gone now! :P [/quote] Ugh, yes, adverbs, not abstractions. That's what happens when I start doing two things at once. I confuse my poor mind to pieces.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:59:07 -0600

@Geolie I critiqued the other part, didn't see the addition. So here goes... Aaaand it's pretty solid. Mundanity is a fantastic description of this excerpt and you convey it wonderfully. Sorry this critique isn't very piercing. The grammar seems spot on and it flowed easily. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:11:54 -0600

@ Wilson3sd -- I really like the beginning when you list what Emma is tiered of. There I don't mind the repetition of word "tiered". However, in the next set of paragraphs Emma is packing the "bag". I just feel that there must be other ways to express some of your scentences to get rid of some "bags" (see bellow). You do have a tendency to repeat a word many times. Sometimes it works and sometimes it seems a lack of thought. I think you have a intriguing story. Emma the "puller" and her cancer-sick father. I didn't read your excerpt so I was a bit confused and scared to begin with when she kissed her father and started pulling something and didn't know what it meant at first. But when I read on I realised that she can somehow pull out the sick inside people. --- The words lost in her mind, Emma huffed her frustration and pounded three pairs of socks into the [bag] in quick succession. Stepping back for a moment, Emma peered into the [bag], double checking what she had packed. Satisfied for the moment, she snatched the [bag] off the bed and tossed it towards the door. It landed with a muted thump and settled. Like the [bag], Emma, half flopping and half lowering, dropped to the bed.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:13:27 -0600

@fni I liked the tension of the excerpt, of doing something surrepetitiously and the fear/thrill in being caught. No major nits as it flowed well and was easy to read. -Did he wave his wallet or his valet in the air? -The discussion of Laura as a backseat driver was good until I got to Laura saying "If you're bad, so will I." I think I know what she is trying to say, but it doesn't come across very well. -You own stocks, not owe them. -I think you could go with "cranked the engine" or "turned over the engine." I don't believe you ignite an engine/motor, despite it being called the ignition. Otherwise, I enjoyed it!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:19:02 -0600

I just dipped back in and fixed those things, you're right it was very repetitive. Totally did not mean for the scene to read in that light. Wow.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:51:48 -0600

@Wilson3sd Way to make me feel sorry for Emma! Okay, so I'm intrigued by these teens with gifts. Emma can take on others' pain, but not enough to cure her father. I wish your synopsis was a little more detailed, explaining what types of gifts these teens have. And why does the fate of the world rest on them? Mechanics: On the paragraph where she complains about old, start the sentence with "Emma focused on the old." It won't be quite as repetitive that way.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:57:29 -0600

[quote=fni] I didn't read your excerpt so I was a bit confused and scared to begin with when she kissed her father and started pulling something and didn't know what it meant at first. [/quote] Sorry to jump in, but this made me seriously LOL That would throw a person for a loop :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:12:53 -0600

Yes...you are so right. Thank you.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:13:46 -0600

Thank you...I appreciate and will fix...please email on philosophical point when have chance.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:14:55 -0600

Thank you, teacher. I feel somehow vindicated from something... (grin)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:16:18 -0600

I second that...haha...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:21:11 -0600

Yes...I feel the same way every time I read those sentences...thanks for confirming... : )

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:28:42 -0600

@Wilson3sd Guess what...I really, really like your style too...as you say, very comfortable. I think there is good reason for that - I think its because you are right, we DO have a very similar writing style. What a trip! I wonder if that means we think similarly?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:30:40 -0600

Thanks for catching my crazy typos =) And for the great suggestions!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:31:35 -0600

Haha no worries. With the whole context it reads just fine =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 16:27:42 -0600

Well, if you think anything like I do, I'm sorry! Although it's always nice knowing someone else has a little touch of the same awesome. (No, I'm not cocky. Stop looking at me like that.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Geolie — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:57:58 -0600

Ha ha...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:01:57 -0600

@Geolie I'll admit, I had a bit of trouble getting into your story. It isn't the plot or the characters, but more my lack of interest and experience in this type of Literary Fiction. However, despite the lack of engagement for me at first, I did like the story itself and am curious as to how she ends up seeking out the woman's group. I would try to get to that part as quickly as possible (without ruining your pacing and plot of course) because I feel that that is where the real story will begin. Setup and Buildup is great, but you don't want to linger too long (not that you have yet, but you know how it is). A few things: she thinks as she drops her head to her chest in frustration. I have always found this particular description to be awkward. Ones heads can't connect with ones chest. With ones throat, yes. I always end up picturing decapitation. But then, my mind is like that. Also this: Rising exhaustedly . I would remove Exhaustedly. It doesn't flow as well with that adverb and reads weaker. Besides the exhaustion she's feeling is already present in the passage. You invoked it well. Out of curiosity, what is Khet short for? Maybe I missed that, I only read the top part that wasn't reviewed yet, but it's such an odd name (both spelling and sound) for a woman.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:06:59 -0600

By the way, for the next poster, my excerpt is brand spanking new. Never before seen. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:41:04 -0600

@Corelle Chasing sunlight, what an apt turn of phrase. I enjoyed this excerpt slightly more than the others, but that's just down to my own little peccadilloes. I'm interested to know more about the father, he seems to have formed Alec's opinions on nearly everything. I'd be interested to know how rainbows are promises would tie into the rant of an old man. As for the structure, clarity, grammar, etc. I thought it was very polished and spotless. Don't know if you were going for a Noah's Ark vibe, but you've got it. Nice work!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:55:41 -0600

@corelle Age of Drowning. Very interesting. First I was wondering what the character was doing beside the body. Then I forgot about it, still blocking out the tv as I read your story. Then you said it was his father's body. I paused the tv and kept reading. I read this sentence more than once, and it's still not clicking. Missing period, comma, or word that I'm not catching? "As the land slowly shifts with the ever-changing tides so does his cold den, the area within it diminishing with each inch the metal sinks until there's just enough room to crawl into and cower." I had a hard time picturing the area outside where Alec talks to the boat people. You mentioned water in the house, so I naturaly think a flood outside, especially since he heard strange sounds coming from the roof. But you don't mention anything about water outside or where these people are (on the roof, on the ground, standing in two feet of water). I thought they swept him up into the boat once they saw him. But I kept reading, and realized they didn't. I realize I might have missed something, but I'm putting it out there just in case it wasn't there to begin with. I liked the thing about the rainbows and even the reference to the Bible story about the first flood. Very cool!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:58:04 -0600

@Corelle: This is an intriguing beginning, particularly once the sailors show up. There's promise of adventure and of some interesting conflicts, with Alec and that crew. In the first part, you might look at drawing out the parallels in the language. Stick with either 'ten years' or 'decade', rather than alternating - the different wording in the parallel structure is jarring. The sky is cursed by all. - the passive voice is jarring, after the humanity rejoices in the previous section. ('The humanity' is also an odd phrase, here.) Otherwise, I think this section flows really well, and it definitely keeps my interest. Once it gets to Alec, you might want to dial back the poetic language a bit. I like the lyrical voice, but the character and the action get a bit lost in the long, multi-phrase sentences. If you can get the language a bit more in balance with the story content, I think it'll work really well. (You'll also want to check through it for comma issues, once you get to that stage.) Eyes stroke up Alec's malnourished frame, the Captain's words softening into gentle presses. The figurative language here gets a little out of hand. I love the idea of the sunlight chasers. Don't trust them, but I'd definitely read more about them.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:00:08 -0600

The Noah's Ark vibe is exactly what I was going for. Which is also where the Rainbow Promises come in. Basically, Alec's father was a religious man and tried to convince Alec that the rainbows are evidence of the promise God made after flooding the Earth the first time. Which, for Christians, they are. It's just Alec's not convinced of that yet. (This piece does have a more religious bent to it, though nothing too direct. Just references to beliefs and concepts.) I'm considering expanding on this so that I can explore more of Alec's background (his father, the trials they faced, etc.). I do know how I want it to end, though I'm not sure about the middle parts. It'll be something I tinker with off and on during other projects. Thanks for reviewing it! I'm glad it works for you. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:01:05 -0600

Double-ninja'd, oops. Confusing the thread again. @streamergurl - I've already commented on yours, so hopefully someone else can pick it up. @Wilson3sd, give me a minute, I'll take a look at yours.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:13:15 -0600

@Wilson3sd: This is a nice little intriguing scene. It's deceptively quiet, but there's a lot building under the surface. Sneaky in how it introduces the fantastic element too (unless the reader already knows about it). Some of the language is what jumps out at me, so comments on that: She was tired of school, tired of taking care of her dad, tired of taking in so much of everyone else that she bled. Sneaky metaphor here, following the prosaic beginning. It works; I like it. The words lost in her mind, Emma huffed her frustration and pounded three pairs of socks into the bag in quick succession. Stepping back for a moment, Emma peered into it, double checking what she had packed. The sentences here get a bit long when her thoughts are fragmented. The first one, especially, might have more force and immediacy if it's broken up a bit. she snatched the it off the bed Extra word here It landed with a muted thump and settled. I'm not quite sure what 'settled' refers to here. Emma, half flopping and half lowering, dropped to the bed. Lots of verbs here! I can't picture what this looks like. After the accident at practice, Emma had found there were some things she couldn’t take back. Some hurts she couldn’t heal. Maybe because I'm missing the context, but this seems a bit too self-aware. She set her bag by the door. She meaning Emma? Grammatically it's the nurse. A slow surge, as if siphoning mud, began. 'began' seems really tagged on here. This whole paragraph, I think you could tweak to make it more immediate to what she's experiencing - since that's the part that's strange and new to the reader. He stirred, rearranging. The silence was broken as her ride honked. Awkward phrasing here, also.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:16:51 -0600

Tagging onto this: I like this piece as a beginning. Without knowing anything else about the story, I'm wondering if this one would work with some non-chronological ordering - bringing in his background piecemeal as the rest of the story goes on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:26:51 -0600

Thank you for the critique! I banged it out in class today and I have revisited it a couple of times since then. Several of the things you point out were concerns already. -The quote you mention as self-aware, earlier in the story there is an accident that is Emma's fault and she immediately tries to fix it. By the point in the story of the accident, Emma only knew what she could do. The accident lets her know what she can't. I feel like it is a pretty self-aware statement, and it is out of place coming from me. But I think it can be worked to where that is a thought Emma may have had. Thank you again for your time and effort!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

corelle — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:52:14 -0600

That's a very interesting structure and is one I was considering for another story... It could actually work really well in this. You may have just broken open my writer's block for this piece! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:58:14 -0600

@ AnnieColleeen -- Your style is very poetic, and some of the lines are simply stunning. However, I sometimes feel that I have no clue on what's going on. See examples: The weight slammed down. Breath was gone. Stars blurred and danced. [poetic and clear] Rockfalls, footfalls. The rareymen were abroad. She could guess what had roused them. [poetic but to me unclear I don't know what you mean by abroad. And I am an idiot but I can't guess what had roused them.] First passage starts off by saying it's a dream, then he appears to wake up but being drawn down by blankets (is he in his bed?) or by stones (He can't be in his bed?!) In the dream, the rockfall was crushing him [slowly. -- Rockfall seems to fast for me to be crushing slowly, but I guess it's just context.] Your dialouge is odd, wich is not inheritently a bad thing, and I'm pretty sure you know that you have an unusual style: "Shouldn't come here, banker boy. The dust will choke you. [Cold snakes out of the dirt suck your life away -- this in particular.]." "Don't shout, banker boy. [The rocks will hear and come hunting. -- I'm nonplussed]" Also this one stood out for me: [Useless to say that. -- Useless to say what? That he spoke more sharply than he meant? ] He spoke more sharply than he meant. [Maybe you want to change punctuation here] Lastly: I'd love to try reading something of yours in full context. I think it would be a challange, but a beautiful read. NEXT ONE UP -- mine and streamergurl (I've already done hers earlier)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 21:23:42 -0600

In an effort to get more feedback, I've changed my excerpt again. I wanted post about the boyfriend, but that piece was almost four pages long. I'm not that cruel to you guys. :) But this one is by far the shortest one I've posted. One more general note: I'm looking for beta readers on this rough draft. If you like what you see, send me a NaNoMail!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:39:25 -0600

@streamergurl Tight dialogue, crisp sentences, wondered why you kept capitalizing You then realized it was a prayer so I understood. Good excerpt! Maybe look on youtube for a speech Martin Sheen (the old one, Charlie's dad) made in a West Wing episode after the death of his secretary. I think it's called "two cathedrals" or something similar. In any case, this speech of Jasmine's is a familiar, but good, questioning of the Divine Will. I think the speech in the show I'm recommending has some notes/points you could adapt to your scenario. Otherwise, I've enjoyed reading the continued exploits of Princes Jasmine (without so much Robin Williams, yuk yuk yuk) :) Next poster, please critique fni. I have already critiqued his excerpt earlier today.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:40:26 -0600

Also, my excerpt is new again as well. Longer, but new. Warning though, pretty rough for the MC.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:53:32 -0600

I'm a thread killer! bump!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:28:55 -0600

Oh, yay! I hope it works out. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:44:24 -0600

@Wilson3sd *cries* Wow. Just...wow. That was a great scene. Okay, I know it was midnight when she came home. But where was the nurse? Shouldn't she have been close by, if the dad was so close to death? I mean, I know you wanted to give them a private moment. But at least have the nurse appear and have Emma shoo her away or something. I liked the line about the tear that brought friends. The glitter and smiles in the cheerleading competition reminded me of Bring It On. Totally appropriate. I didn't get at first why she was sad with third place. Only when you mentioned her not moving onto state that I understood why she was sad. Maybe mention this before she competes? Hope this helps! Sorry it took so long for me to realize you had a new excerpt. I must have had a blonde morning. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:51:09 -0600

The whole time I wrote that last night I knew should have put the nurse in. Thanks! And no worries, I live in a perpetual blonde morning!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:52:52 -0600

I'd be happy to critique for someone, just dunno who hasn't had one yet? I haven't, so could someone give me some comments on the passage in my excerpt? :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:54:09 -0600

*waves* Hey people don't forget me! I'll put up something new...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:55:23 -0600

You critique the last person in line, so that would be streamergurl.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:50:47 -0600

Read your excerpt. Certainly do wonder about Jasmine's need to voice her prayer aloud: "Though why she was speaking them aloud, she couldn’t say. It just felt right. " Perhaps there's some power to that that just hasn't been revealed in the excerpt? At first, I was a bit wary of your "swirling images" scene--it felt a bit unsteady and confusing, though I suppose that could be the point, plus, some of the scenes described are a little hard to swallow. However, upon rereading, I see that it's effective for demonstrating how Jasmine has developed from being selfishly motivated to being kinder, more aware of her surroundings and the challenges of others in her life. In that way, I think it's a very effective scene description, as this scene is focused entirely on the character of Jasmine and her development. All in all, an intriguing excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:12:48 -0600

I really like the action you have going in your excerpt(s)! You've got a lot of great tension and drama built up, and it's believable, even though the premise is paranormal. You definitely seem to know your characters well, you hint at prior action that makes me curious to read more, and you use some really excellent imagery and description to enliven the story. I would recommend having someone proof your draft for basic mechanics and probably some coloquial/idiomatic changes, when you get around to editing. There are portions that are a bit confusing or just need basic changes made. (I always assume that people have proofed their excerpts before posting them, and it's no big deal, but it's good to have all of those little quirky things fixed up if you have a goal of publishing at some point.) All in all, a fun, exciting read!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

XVisiEX — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:22:19 -0600

I have to say, you have an eye for detail. I love how you point out little distinctive things like the pink bow tie which really had me rolling. It certainly sounds like it could be a fascinating read and who doesn't love a little conspiracy in their books? Liz seems like a character who could engage me from what I've read. All in all. I liked it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:29:20 -0600

Cool, thanks! It's funny, now that I reread my own excerpt, I can definitely see things that are going to change. Hell, the whole thing might end up on the scrapheap. But isn't that the fun of being a writer? Thanks again for the critique! And as for what you've written; it's hard to critique much, as it's a very short passage, and it's all dialogue. It would be nice to read more, with some description of setting or action. But as for what you have, and your synopsis, I'm certainly intrigued. I'm a sucker for an artsy romance, so I hope that the writing is going well!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

XVisiEX — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:49:44 -0600

Last day, but I figured I would update it just in case XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:21:44 -0600

Thank you for your critique! Yes, as I stated it's not edited yet.. I wanted to change my excerpt to provide those who have allready critiqued something of mine a chance to go again. I've updated it a little and will absolutely have a proof read version up soon. My goal is to write this scence really tight to squeeze out that tension... Glad you'd read more =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:51:30 -0600

Without giving anything away, it was necessary for the plot to have her talk through those things aloud. Thanks for reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:57:33 -0600

@theredherring Only a few paragraphs in, and I like the character Liz. Her style of narration as she describes the people around her are awesome. The line about stumbling into a gym interview made me smile. It looks like there's a misplaced comma with "how things were, these days." The way the sentence reads, a comma isn't necessary. Okay, now I'm curious. If she's at a job interview, how can she not know why she was selected? Isn't she qualified? Please add more details to your synopsis. The skimpy version just made me want more. Kind of like your excerpt. Great job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:28:08 -0600

Thanks so much for the review! I'm really glad you like the narrative voice. I took out the misplaced comma (I wrote it the way I think, which tends to have perhaps more pauses than readers will be comfortable with), and I'll see how it feels. As for the premise, I suppose I can give you a bit more. When I wrote the synopsis at the beginning of the month, I had no idea where the story was headed (and I only wanted to have a little blurb rather than something too terribly lengthy). I have only a little more knowledge now! And I don't want to give TOO much away. :P "Liz Fairbanks witnesses an environmental catastrophe, the likes of which she could never have imagined. Her knowledge leads to her recruitment with a bizarre covert operation, where she discovers that the global environment is in danger of collapsing. She encounters creatures she never could have imagined, as she races against the clock to discover the source of the conspiracy before entire species are wiped from the planet." As to your question regarding the interview excerpt--she doesn't know who the interview is for, who's running the show, so to speak. She's been recruited, but at this point, she doesn't know why. And based on her background and stature, she doesn't see how she could possibly fit into this organization. Note: Some or all of this excerpt may get wiped out. Things are shifting everyday with this novel, so it's possible that this scene will be moot. Just an FYI. :P Thanks again for reading and critiquing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:31:13 -0600

You're welcome. I understand not wanting to reveal too much. After all, I'd like to see my novel in print one of these days!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:32:34 -0600

You're welcome!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:32:47 -0600

@Streamergurl -- YES!! This time I feel with Jasmine! She's likable. She's carring. She's caughing, poor girl. So... I think I know why she needs to speak out loud.. I'm so smart! You write very clear and it's easy to follow your story and thought pattern. I wish all your excerpt were this dense on emotions, but I'm affraid that it shines through here so well because you utter her emotions and her complaints. Sort of telling instead of showing. The immages that flash through her head are excelent though. I wouldn't mind reading some more of your excerpt and hand you some feedback on the emotional part. You have a strong story and I with the risk of sounding like a broken reckord; I want the emotions to match the story! PS: Is the disease Tuberculosis? (It's intelectually my favourite disease... but It's horrible for anyone who catches it!)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:41:15 -0600

I actually have no clue what the disease actually is. I read a book that described some dangerous contagious disease as "jail fever." I cannot remember the symptoms or the actual name to save my life, but that's where I got the idea for it. And it was the Middle Ages, so they didn't know a whole lot of disease names anyway. I am looking for readers on the whole story. If you like what I have posted, chances are you might like the whole thing. *hopeful smile* NaNoMail me your suspicions on why she needs to speak out loud. Doing yours next!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:51:32 -0600

@fni So, I'm liking the action still. Nitpicky stuff: You end several quotations with commas that should be question marks or exclamation points. (To me, at least), it's fine to replace periods with commas, but question marks and exclamation points shouldn't be replaced as frequently. [Example: "Get in the car," Lui shouted] Why are there dashes separating the scene? It seems unnecessary to me. The excerpt flows nicely without these. Awesome action. And you leave me with more questions. He looks like he was clawed by a tiger? AWESOME!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:02:32 -0600

Thanks for the critique. Yeah.. The question marks and esclamations.. Haha I think they're so uggly... but I'll spend some time putting them in when I'm done with the rest and then I can look away :P So the dashes are separating the scence because there are some things happening in between and I didn't want to steal too much time form whoever read this. The first two are actually without anything in between but are in two different chapters.. First belonging to the chapter that ends in them having dinner and the second in where the action kicks off. What I cut out was basically Laura payinng the bill and getting the bags out. She ran up the stairs and took the elevator down. Hihi.. And yes!!! He looks likes he's been claved by a tiger accordig to Laura. Guy leads a tough life... I'm desperately trying to make him say that he's got "a rough past and a massive carbon foot print." I think it will be mentioned soon after this.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:08:41 -0600

It could be Tuberculosis. Even if the story takes place in the Middle Ages it's nice if the symptoms fits an actuall disease. Classical TBC symptoms are: Night sweats, loss of apetite, cachexia (weight loss), cough that when worsend becomes phlemy and bloody. Since they wouldn't have any treatment people would die in high numbers. Traditional treatment is sunlight (boosts your vitamine D levels wich is important for fighting the bacteria -- have Jasmine walk around in the sun!!), open air, and rest. I'll naNoMail you now. =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:18:38 -0600

I may potentially be able to beta-read for you. If your novel is set in the Middle Ages, I may also have a wee bit of insight (no doubt you've done your research, but...), that was my area of concentration in university. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:26:56 -0600

Alas, this draft is woefully unreasearched and probably full of inaccuracies. But hey, how will I ever learn unless someone points out this stuff, right? NaNoMail me if you're interested. *looks at first paragraph* That is not a good way to sell a beta reader. *sigh*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:33:09 -0600

No worries. NaNoMail sent. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

theredherring — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:01:53 -0600

For anyone who maybe wanted to read more of my novel, I've put a new (and longer) excerpt up, from a later scene. I would surely be very grateful for any input or critique.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Lollem — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:07:29 -0600

@steamergirl I like it a lot. I really feel with Jasmine, and I feel badly for her. I'm curious about what exactly has sent her to the prison, and I admit - I'm really curious about her old cellmate, though that may have been a throwaway line. I'm especially curious about the voice telling her to speak aloud. Personally, I really like your decision to have her speak aloud - she's in a prison, we're given the impression no guards are near. I'd talk to myself just to hear my own voice.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:25:20 -0600

@Lollem: I'm assuming this is Jimmy (POV) and Liz? It held my interest on the first read-through, and nothing really jumped out at me. I'm not quite sure what a cruel voice sounds like, but I can go along with it. I'd like to see a little more of Jimmy in this. Sensations, reactions, thoughts. I get that he's a bit stunned, but I'd think there would at least be some kind of internal monologue; the sensations of the knife/of close proximity/of whatever the generator's doing... What kind of work was he doing there; is it something that would suffer from being interrupted? How does he feel about the captain/the ship? I wouldn't expect coherent thoughts/planning necessarily, but fragmented thoughts, etc., would do a lot to bring the reader into the moment.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:33:24 -0600

@ Lollem -- It starts out great, then your villain starts ranting and all I get is a talking mouth holding a knife against a throath. I want to feel the knife against my throath. The sweat that breaks out on my forehead. I want to see how the villian looks, her facial expression. the tone in her voice. You mention that "I" doesn't really pay attention to the woman's talk but yet that's what's in focus. Best of luck, Fni

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:45:26 -0600

Jinx! ;) (translation - we posted at the same time & said about the same thing) Glancing through this excerpt - I love the unexpected humor here. I’m going to put two cards in your right herring - I had to read this twice to see if it was a typo or a translation error. Then I had to laugh. Excellent line. Mother of a mortal, World, pull your sodding shit together - very nice. And a nice tense scene that definitely makes me want to read on.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:21:09 -0600

Thanks! The reason she cries about her cell mate is explained elsewhere. There were some things about dungeon life I had to define that I felt uncomfortable putting on here with younger readers present.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:09:50 -0600

Hihi Oh yes we totally did! Apparently you posted a bit earlier than me though. Gos was I sleepy, not seeing that. I'm happy you found it entertaining. The herrings are sort of explaied earlier.. Lui gives Laura this beautiful dress since she was all dressed in dirty clothes from work (excavation), but she still wears her grey sneakers.. so it looks a bit funny. Lui tries to keep a straight face, but Laura forces him to say what's on his mind and he tells her, her shooes looks like two awkward herrings(because herrings are grey and one of the most awkward birds in his opinion), but that noone will look at her feet anyway.. I was thinking weather I should mention that asa fotnote or not.. but I figgured I'd just lett it be. =) To make things clear for next poster: AnnieCollen is next in line to have her excerpt critiqued!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:28:19 -0600

@AnnieColleen A very fluid piece! I think you've got Jacqueson in the synopsis and Jaqueson in the excerpt. Not a huge deal, but it was distracting to me. I think maybe Paar could just be glowering? I'm not sure if the "frankly" was necessary. The only other bit I saw was towards the end in italics, "how did you come to be just here?" Is there a different way to question how someone was at that place at that time (the just of the just here)? I'm not sure, but I also may be overreaching. It was intriguing and now I want to know: who are the rareymen, and are the Ja(c)quesons like a mining version of the Hatfields/McCoys?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:39:24 -0600

Ah, ok. I don't think it needs a footnote. It works as a moment of random humor even without the context. Do you mean herrings or herons? Herrings are fish; herons are birds. (I think herrings are funnier, but either works.)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:49:57 -0600

Thanks! I've been waffling on the spelling. My sister/volunteer cover designer spelled it with the 'c', but I'm thinking I like it better without. I should change that in the synopsis. The line in italics - yeah, it doesn't quite work. I'm not sure what to do with it yet. They're somewhere between the Hatfields/McCoys and the Molly Maguires (Irish immigrant coal miners who turned to sabotage to protest unfair treatment). The rareymen - that's a spoiler. :) You don't want to run into them on a dark hillside.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:17:49 -0600

Haha I mean herons... Herrings are funny.. Haha... but I think they'll be herons... Btw, look what came up on google when I searched for herrings: http://www.herringshoes.co.uk/ Second hit!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:41:39 -0600

*bumps board back to the front page* Next poster: critique Wilson3sd!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

spotpc — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:41:47 -0600

@ Wilson3sd Wow! That was lovely, Wilson. I was intimidated slightly by the length of the excerpt. But it was well worth reading. The emotions of the scene really came out, especially in the second half. The first part needs some editing, but that can get taken care of later. Overall, good job! It almost made me cry.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

candlelightwriter — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 20:26:37 -0600

@spotpc Wow, pretty good! Your plot is very intriguing and I got a good feel of the characters from your excerpt :) As for my critique: Your first section is great for setting the scene. The 2nd paragraph introduces some very nice internal conflict, but I would love, however, some direct internal thoughts from Carrisa. I would love a direct thought straight from her head that summerizes her feelings. I think if the reader can get right in her head for a moment, it would strengthen the scene and help them connect to her better. :) Your dialogue was spectacular, it was very natural and well-suited for each character. I would love however if you added some dialogue tags to dictate action and placement. Though your dialogue rocked, since you have few dialogue tags to dictate placement the only thing I can picture the characters doing while they talk are standing facing each other with their hands at their sides. So go ahead and take a break in the dialogue and talk about how Carrisa winds a strand of hair around her finger. Tell me how EJ steps on a spider that's crawling on the stairs. Tell how Carrisa blushes when EJ makes that guitar playing jab. Talk about how a car horn on the street startles them both. Its seldom that two people can talk in a public place without getting interrupted by something :) I love the kissing scene. I really have nothing negative to say about that-- it was very well done, and I respect you for writing good romance, that's always something I struggle with. :) That's about all I have to say, I don't have much grammar advice considering I'm not the best with grammar but I hope you find this helpful anyways. I really enjoyed your excerpt and your novel sounds rather cool :) ~Candle To the person who reads my excerpt-- nit-pick away. I'm not easily intimidated by very thorough critiques and I know my grammar needs some work- so have at it ;)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:47:07 -0600

@candlelightwriter From my first glance at your synopsis - it is WAY too long. I'm not intimidated by long excerpts, but long summaries of the story makes my head spin. Please insert a space between paragraphs. Makes for easier reading. Suggested tweak for synopsis: Cancion is a land where music is forbidden. Viloaters of this ban are taken to Arcaneum, where they are never heard from again. When Eleanor meets Antioch, a wounded traveler, he tells her a strange tale about Cancion. For everyone who is born in this land is born with a Song in their heart. It is their duty in life to find that Song. Without this Song, they cannot reach their full potential and will remain blind to magic. (Not sure about the corruption line. Will music make them blind to corruption or will music eradicate it?) That's pretty much all you need. Awesome setup, by the way. And while the quote is intriguing, I'd say you don't need it for the synopsis. I like the bit about Eleanor's father being arrested for a lullaby, and that can probably fit in there, too. But the point of your synopsis is to hit the highlights. The bit about it being the first of two books is also not necessary. Okay, on to your excerpt! In the last paragraph, just say "experience told me". I like what you have, but I'm unsure what I'm reading. He wakes the girl up to observe some awesome fire in the sky she's never seen before. I read most of the blurb thinking she was seeing a sunrise for the first time and was understandably scared. Even though I was confused when you mentioned the sun, I liked the fact that the sun was gone. Something has gone wrong, and they're going to try and fix it. Sounds like you have an awesome world set up here. Great job, and keep on going! Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:05:51 -0600

Very tiny nit, but I thought it funny that the land of no music, Cancion, could be a slight homophone for the French word for singing/song: "Chanson" (pronounced SHAN-sewn)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

candlelightwriter — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 06:00:12 -0600

That's kind of the point I was going for, lol. Cancion means "Song" in Spanish. It's supposed to be ironic because in the land there used to be music before Arcaenum instituted the Silence. It's cool that you noticed that, though :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

candlelightwriter — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 06:01:22 -0600

Thanks for the critique! :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:15:49 -0600

Spanish! I knew it! I forget the movie, Desperado I think, but salma Hayek was playing guitar and her line was some thing like "mi guitar Ed mi compagne, (sic) por la vida cancion..."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Dragonchilde — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:28:10 -0600

Moving to the Critiques forum, since that forum is now open!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:53:19 -0600

*waves at next poster* Me and Wilson3sd both need a review. Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

the8thstone — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:18:24 -0600

@streamergurl I think your excerpt was great. Perhaps a little cliched, with the spoiled brat and momemt-redeeming, but great. One specific problem: "Sorrowful over the outburst and the other events of the night, Jasmine cried herself to sleep, ignoring that her coughs had become more frequent." The beginning of the sentence, "sorrowful," is unneeded. Maybe even "and the other events of the night." There's something strange going on with the last part also. A better sentence may be "Ignoring her increasingly frequent coughs, Jasmine cried herself to sleep." Though "increasingly frequent" can be substituted with other more specific words too. Good luck. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

3FSAEDR — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:45:33 -0600

Hey I have a short little excerpt on my page, and would appreciate a critique thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:10:14 -0600

@3FSAEDR - I like the setup, and I definitely appreciate the intrigue of this sort of a scene. However, you can definitely serve to set up a little more detail when your character comes to. What are the sights, sounds? If you're waking up in an unfamiliar place, and you can't move to explore it around you, senses go into overdrive. Small details will build that scene. My excerpt is from my current work; may change it later. Read, review, enjoy!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:14:51 -0600

@the8thstone Please take out the revising bit of your synopsis. It's great that you're working on it, but it sends the message that you're not confident of your own work. I saw the name of your kingdom and assumed it was another medieval war story. Then you mentioned the Mississippi River and I was thrown again. Your second paragraph reads so strongly, it can probably be your first. I had to go back and read your first paragraph to realize you were talking about another one of your main characters. I like the bit about Zoe and Fayven. Adri's paragraph doesn't grab me the same way. I'm surprised by the kidnapping...but it doesn't tell me much else about where she came from. She comes from a strange place where they hang people for something I'm not sure about, but I'm curious. And then without telling me anything else, you mention she's pulled away from that world. And then you jump to Zoe, leaving me with more questions. The first sentence of your last paragraph is intriguing, but confusing. You can probably do without it completely, since you've told us enough from the other paragraphs to know we're in a different world. My suggestion for the last sentence: Three teenagers find themselves in the middle of a breathtaking adventure in our world's not-so-distant future. Your excerpt showed me how different their school and world is from ours very effectively. You mentioned that a blind woman could see Adri use her telekinesis. Awesome! The only thing that threw me was you talk about not seeing Fayven again. Since he's a main character, I'm busy wondering where he is and why he left versus what's going on. That said, I wish your excerpt was longer. Tell me something cool that happens versus describing a mundane day before things change. Hope this helps! *waves to next poster* Wilson3sd still needs a review. I've already commented on his posted piece. I'll need one, too. @3FSAEDR, If you critique the last person who left a review, someone else will return the favor.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:29:38 -0600

@Wilson3sd - One word: wrenching. You have a serious knack for emotional realism, and I'd love to see more of how Emma had come to this point.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

XVisiEX — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:02:59 -0600

I already like your character from what I've read of her. I love all the names you used, I think at this point people in this thread realize that makes me happy XDD That being said, nice description. Easy story flow and you definitely had me engaged, I would love to read more of your story. I'm sitting here trying to think of what lead up to that point, how the trial/case will go. What the consequences will be if she looses it. So in one word: Excellent

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyMage — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:19:46 -0600

Thank you!!! And by the by...you don't want her to win. Trust me. *ahem, looks at tiny spoiler*

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:37:08 -0600

*waves* I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:05:54 -0600

@steamergurl: I think the premise of your story is really interesting. The setting will give Christian fiction a unique twist, and from what I see, you have a diverse set of characters with a lot of potential for dynamic relationships and conflicts. My biggest critique for you would be to add more variety to your sentence lengths. They're all quite short--and while that's alright in moderation, it starts to sound choppy when overdone. One quick edit early on: "But the release [realization?] of a question..."

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:41:59 -0600

Thanks! *checks sentence* That is supposed to be "release." She's had that question, just hasn't verbalized it before. Next poster, XVisiEX and therenaissancegirl both need reviews!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 20:07:02 -0600

@ XVisiEX It's great that these two are artists, but I don't even know their names yet. :( How old are they? You say "student." High school? College? Tell me about the social and racial stigma that threaten to tear this couple apart. Last line isn't needed. Obviously, there will be issues before the two can be together. In the excerpt, I feel the mention of race is unnecessary. The girl says she doesn't get along with men well. Period. You do NOT need a "he said, she said" tag line after every quote, since you only have two characters. Delete the "she said." You get the girl responds. Delete the "Sage said seriously" that follows on the next line. Start a new paragraph. "She remained quiet and continue to avoid his gaze." (You have 'continued avoided' there at the moment) "To," not "too." Sage's answer would make more sense and draw me deeper into the story if I knew more about who he was. What race he is, that's apparently an issue for Ari. Please include a longer excerpt to give the reader a better grasp of your story. Hope this helps! @therenaissancegirl Sorry, this is not my type of book. I did not know for certain until the third paragraph that Casey was a boy. Maybe say there are two boys who mean the world to Cecila? Suggested tweak for third paragraph: "Casey is reluctant to inject himself into the Dyl-n-Cici drama, but both friends need him." Delete the last name in this paragraph. You don't need it again. Okay, the broken line and the "smile so blue" have me curious and confused at the same time. What do you mean, and how? Good to be intrigued...but a smidge confused, too. I like the ending line for your synopsis. Decent excerpt. No glaring errors. Please include a longer excerpt to give us a better feel of the characters and the situation. At this point, both Casey and Dylan are comfortable in their relationship. Where is Cecilia? Where is the drama your synopsis just alluded to?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

OceanWater — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:28:07 -0600

I liked the synopsis, I think I have read something similar to it but it does sound pretty original. Short and too the point. I like it. The excerpt was pretty good, I was really interested. But because of my religion or lack of it, I found the god parts somewhat uncomfortable but that is mostly a personal comment, and if I was looking from a total unbiased look, it does sound really emotional and intense. I couldn't detect any grammar issues but don't take my word for it. I'm pretty bad at grammar and all that. The characters also seem fleshed out and I can tell a lot about them just by reading that excerpt. I found Jasmine's thought process interesting. B plus. or a 4 on a scale of 5.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:16:12 -0600

Well, that's alright; to each his (or her) own. Thanks anyway. :) Woah. I forgot that Casey's a unisex name. Not quite sure about "Dyl-n-Cici drama," though; it sounds a little too YA-fluff, if you know what I mean. I used "solidarity" specifically for its sociopolitical connotation--but I understand where you're coming from, and I'll see if I can tidy the sentence up a bit. Dylan's broken in an emotional sense. He isolates himself from others and makes stupid choices, and despite his extraordinary potential, he seems to have given up on himself. I can't really explain why, though, because that'd ruin the entire novel. ^__^ Oh gosh, I didn't even think about length! I picked the scene more for style than for content; not much of a marketing strategy, huh? xD I'll try to dig up a longer, more plot-focused scene that isn't too horribly unedited. Thanks again for the critique. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:30:41 -0600

@OceanWater: I'm familiar with Persephone and Demeter, but I've never heard of Fairyland. The synopsis confused me a bit, but that may just be because I'm doing this at 12:30 am. ^.^ I don't think water "contrasts." Maybe pick a more suitable word for that first sentence? This is just a personal pet peeve, but I'm not the biggest fan of long-winded parenthetical remarks. That's more of a stylistic choice than anything, though. I absolutely adored the paragraph about time, and I'm actually quite fond of your use of capitalization. Good stuff there. There are some typos (ex. "even if the[she] was Large For Her Age") and some missing commas (ec. "Novelette wondered how this could be done[,]"), but those are common in first drafts. Still, it wouldn't hurt to look your excerpt over once or twice to take out as many as you can.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:56:56 -0600

Memory Number One "Mommy!" The screech sets my throat on fire, but I don't care. My mother. My own mother. She's all I have left. They can't take her. I won't let her do this. No. No. "No." It's as if my mother is reading my thoughts. "We've talked about this, Evol." Her voice is perfectly calm, at ease, almost reassuring. "In fact, I think it's time. They'll be here any minute now." "Mommy!" The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen. "What if you're not useful?" I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. "What if they...they..." I can't finish the sentence. I can't think it. I can't say it. No matter how much I believe it's what will happen. The deepest, darkest imaginings in the pitts of my black life will be here, arriving at the doorstep in just minutes. "Oh, don't worry. There'll be nothing to see. If they don't like my level of intelligence, they'll shun me away. They can't afford another death, Evol. The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left. They need me." All meaningless sentences, which we force ourselves to believe. "Then why can't I be out of hiding? Don't they want to know what I have to offer?" "Not until you're eighteen. Right now you still have a chance of growing, learning, existing." My mother, with her young age, bright green eyes, and even her prematurely graying blonde hair, will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living. Gone. "No, Mommy! I won't let them take you! Please, please no! Hide with me! Don't risk it. Don't do it." But my pleading is in vain. If they come here, they come knowing the house is not abandoned. That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death. If you run, they'll make it worse. If you attempt to conceal yourself, they'll announce the amount of blood there was on you when you died to your family. But if...if you come willingly, they'll go easy on you. Make it quick. They'll keep it quiet. Your family can then pretend that you were smart enough, that they took you to go live another life a ways away. I shudder involuntarily, remembering when I was seven and my mother had explained this to me, with my father's face buried in his hands, as we huddled around the fireplace. How dead her expression got, how she started to cry, rocking me in her arms. I had been frozen with indeciscion. When your leaders did not know which way to turn, you didn't either. So pretending is what we turn to. Let's just say they got away, believe it... But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets. But my mother? No. They can't do this to her. We've been out here, living like animals in the woods for so long. And now they've found us. All vulnerable and open from every angle in our small clearing. And they discovered Mommy. Old enough to take the test.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

OceanWater — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:22:31 -0600

Thank you for your review, I really appreciate it. I find it strangely reassuring that you say I have made comma mistakes. I get that a lot. In fact, I've ever written a essay since third grade without my teacher commenting about my excessive use of commas. I'll get to changing the mistakes you mentioned now, though. I think you're right about the water thing...I usually write during the night right before I sleep, and that's not exactly helping my already questionable amount of logic. This "novel" is actually a fanfic of a book called THE GIRL WHO CIRCUMNAVIGATED FAIRYLAND IN A SHIP OF HER OWN MAKING, which I adored like nothing else. I haven't gotten so much of a thrill since I've read Harry Potter so despite the fact that probably no one has ever heard of it before, I'm still writing a fanfic on it. I highly recommend that book to you mostly because I've been recommending it too every single random stranger that passes me on the street. :P Though, it feels kind of weird writing like (I'm trying to mimic the author's style) this since I don't usually capitalize things that aren't usually capitalized and the Time paragraph is the first time I've ever tried writing something so strange like that, but it feels nice to try a different style and utterly let go of logic (the little logic I have left.) Nevertheless, I must bow and chant my most sincere of gratitudes of the highest degree with my greatest of thanks for allowing my tattered and old excerpt grace your most magnificant eyes. Or in other words, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING IT. XD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:57:20 -0600

Oceanwater - I like your prose style. A lot. I'm with renaissance girl on your methods of capitalization, it feels very much so like an Edwardian-era novel to me, which I love. I'm also with rg on the lengthy parenthetical statements, but with this being literary fiction, a lot of things are stylistic choices. Reading this is an absolute treat, and I'd like to see it when it's finished. You go indepth, but without the added pretentiousness of descriptive overkill. It's very refreshing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

disconova — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 01:53:43 -0600

@ Harlow "I was too much of a lady to him. I was too kind." I can hear Mary Astor feeding this line to Humphrey Bogart as she tries to explain just how she had come to be in such a situation, and how it really isn't her fault. Bogey isn't buying it though, not this bird. There isn't a kind bone in her body. Of course, kind bones or no, he can't take his eyes off that body. What's worse he can't decide if that's because she's so dangerous, or so beautiful. Or if there's really a difference between the two. I loves me some noir. The tension, the back and forth, the shifting games of power and control where each player's lust is tempered only by their hard-boiled bitterness. This excerpt has it in spades. Short enough so as not to exhaust the reader's attention span, but long enough to deliver something of what was on the cover, or in this case in the synopsis. It may have felt a bit rushed, but if nothing happened between these two we'd be left wondering "Where's that sordid, self destructive and almost certainly doomed relationship we were promised?" My only real gripe would be Everett's "ninja-like" stealth. Perhaps I'm a bit old fashioned (or a lot old fashioned, and without the perhaps) but it seemed a genre breaking turn of phrase. I've been trying to think of some other way of putting it, but it's damn near 2AM now and my brain has decided to call it a day. But I liked it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MoonPhaseChick — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:10:18 -0600

Cilia winces. Her fingers probing silence, a hiss narrows her mouth. Hanging folds of fatigue lips. Hair a nesting ground jumbled with leaves. “Offer ya a smoke,” Her disruption inhales of ash, heat refuses her flesh. Her temper a diluted flame. “’Cept…tryinna wane off a bit.” This is one of the only things I have so far. It's a random though I wrote down, not sure when it even happens. Just this is how the MC who during a bout of something resembling Mental Illness sees a female character differently than he has before. [Seriously not in a Love Interest way]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:05:47 -0600

In order to get a critique, you're supposed to offer one to the poster above you (disconova in this case). Also, you don't need to post your excerpt here; post it on your profile under Novel Info, and we can navigate to it from your avatar. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:08:04 -0600

therenaissancegirl needs a review, too. She was accidentally skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:30:38 -0600

@disconova "All right you bastards." Close enough now to begin to set up the first pass. [The second sentence is incomplete. What's close enough? Add "he was" at the beginning.] The ailerons felt heavy and unresponsive [semicolon] he was carrying too much speed. Unlike the heavy ailerons [comma] the elevator responded immediately. ...the steep vertical maneuver only possible because of [the] extra speed he had gained in his dive. He continued his through [use either "his" or "through," both of them doesn't make any sense] the roll and looked back over the right wing [period] The two Russians had taken the bait. Just as they were about to enter the clouds [comma] Max halted the Salmson's roll and kicked hard with his left foot against the rudder bar. The lead airplane unexpectedly pitched nose up and stalled [colon] a desperation move designed to force an overshoot and spoil Max's shot. On that account it worked [period] The only question was [comma] could the Russian regain control of his ship in time to save his friend? Or for that matter [comma] before he hit the ground. The aircraft's rotary engine wanted to pitch the nose down when you turned right, and up when you turned left. [omit the "you" from the sentence.] He set up his Salmson in a slightly wider circle, just out side the Sopwith's turn. [He who? The Russian? Max?] ...impossibly fast it seemed... [Did it only seem fast, or was it actually fast?] Starring [Staring, with one R] down the long sight tube and through the ring at the Salmson's nose [comma] he traced a line along the Sopwith's length. Just as it passed under the Salmson's nose [comma] he fired. ...his fire had found it's mark. ["It's" is a contraction of "it is." You should use "its" without an apostrophe in this case.] The Sopwith's nosed up abruptly, then back down as the aircraft dove towards the earth. [Drop the apostrophe-s on "Sopwith's." Also, the term "dove" when referring to aircraft kind of implies an intentional loss in altitude. This plane is crashing, so use a crashing word (plummeted, fell, plunged, etc).] He looked back and to the right [semicolon] the Russian had already adjusted and was pulling lead on him. More holes appeared as the Salmson absorbed even more machine gun fire, [and] Max reversed his turn again. A side effect of spinning a giant hunk of metal around at a few hundred revolutions per minute [was] it wanted to keep spinning. Overall, great scene! I haven't read a good detailed dogfight in a while, and this was a nice one! Just little gripes from me re: commas and sentence structure, blah blah blah. Keep it up! ^_^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:31:17 -0600

D'oh! I'll leave her review up to MoonPhaseChick, or whoever comes along next.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:33:01 -0600

Whoever happens along next, please review therenaissancegirl (http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/therenaissancegirl/novels/the-place-where-i-am-free) and then me!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MoonPhaseChick — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:48:04 -0600

Sorry I'm new =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 21:07:44 -0600

It's all good, it happens all the time! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

passmemoney — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 22:35:30 -0600

- therenaissancegirl I really liked it and how it was written. My favorite part was the development of the character in the short space, and how well you did it. At the start i felt some empathy for the character and his feeling of loneliness but by the end i was happy for him. IN SUCH A SMALL SPACE I thought it read smoothly and i felt that the words all fit perfectly. GOOD JOB ----- - Tooterfish I thought it was interesting but there were a couple of things i don't like. Could just be an opinion not shared by others though. "Pax involuntarily flinched away from the weapon in Cen’s hand, and she cackled when she noticed." where it says "and she cackled" i thought you meant Pax at first because of the way it's set out. maybe show Cen cackling at the beginning of the line with her dialogue? also, i think you tried too hard with the bits in between dialogue. "Pax mumbled. Cen sighed. Pax paused, thinking. Cen scoffed." by the time i reached "Cen scoffed" it felt a bit awkward and i was concentrating / noticing them too much. As this is was my first time doing NaNo and i haven't even been writing long, i probably wouldn't rely on my opinion too much. Other than the things i pointed out i liked it. ----- Good luck to both of you

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

passmemoney — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 22:43:19 -0600

oops! Tooterfish i did the one on your page and not the one you posted... :/

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:04:07 -0600

No, you did the right one! I posted the link to therenaissancegirl's profile in case someone couldn't find her avatar.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

passmemoney — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:19:37 -0600

well i can still see that my critique is no where near as detailed as other people's. Its more of an outlining critique, but it's my first day doing them so I'm only learning, and i haven't been writing long so i don't really know much. I hope you can both get someone more experienced to give a critique on them. Looking forward to what the response to mine will be :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MoonPhaseChick — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:24:27 -0600

Thanks =)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:40:10 -0600

@passmemoney, No worries, you're reading and giving fresh eyes. As for your excerpt, The opening paragraph is a nice hook, with the question of individual love or slaughter. Looking At the "why me? I pleaded with myself." this just feels redundant, as if who else would they be pleading to? Perhaps "why me? I wondered." The next bit, I'm unsure just what caught my attention. The "until one month..." line seems to read a couple of ways, not all the way that I think you intend. Finally I think you have a good descriptive pAragraph. Maybe identify which shoulder the dress connects over? Good job!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:27:23 -0600

Emma could imagine him, not her dad from the last six months, but her dad from before, as she figured she would always remember him... I'd replace the commas with dashes. It will make it visually easier to distinguish that thought from the rest of the sentence. So: Emma could imagine him - not her dad from the last six months, but her dad from before - as she figured she would always remember him... As the bus rolled back home, Emma dreamily stared out of the window. Use "as..." sentences as sparingly as possible. Once in a while is fine, but always be on the lookout for them. The same goes for "-ing" sentences (He turned around, flinging his cloak dramatically). Kudos for the Princess Bride reference! Now all I can think of is Wesley: "gentlyyyyyyyy!" "Emma dropped her stuff lightly on the floor" could be better said as "Emma set her stuff on the floor." Dropping implies it wasn't really done gently or lightly, and saying "set" is more a show ("lightly" is a tell). But she wasn't just taking [semicolon] Emma pushed the peacefulness she saw and felt in her mind as if it was morphine into an IV. (I like the morphine imagery, since she's in essence euthanizing him). Your synopsis sounds really interesting, and the excerpt is overall well-written. Watch out for "as," "-ing," and "-ly," and you'll do great!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sherylgwin — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:59:24 -0600

I really like your style of writing and i defenintly would turn the page to read more. Im a little confused. So if casey is cecilias best friend is he trying to help her get dylan back or does he want dylan for himself? overall i think i would give this story a solid B. great job! i hope to see your writing in a book store some day. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sherylgwin — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:00:48 -0600

I just reviewed therenaissancegirl. so i hope now someone will review mine :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:14:48 -0600

Therenaissance girl already got her critique, lol! This thread is confusing at times, for sure. ^_^ I'm up next, and then sherylgwin!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Arrora — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:56:28 -0600

When he finally does look up at her, there is an intensity in his eyes that makes her flinch back. “Tell the truth. Do you love me?” he lets the words hang in the still air, pulsing like a heartbeat in her head and on her lips. Do you love me? He looks like he isn’t sure what answer he wants to hear. So she gives him the truth. “Yes.” She thinks so. She thinks she can love, can’t she? Love is supposed to be difficult and wonderful. He looks difficult and wonderful sitting there staring at her like he is about to break into a million pieces and somehow she can hold him together. He stares down at the floor near the scuffed toes of his sneakers. The rubber soles are peeling away, opening gaping black holes like the empty mouths of dead things. She shudders and hugs her knees closer. He laughs hollowly and she is afraid that in the time when she was not there, he has become dark and empty too. “If you loved me we wouldn’t be here now. You would be with your friends and I would be alone. If you loved me we would never have gotten mixed up in all of this.” He bites his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth. It makes the part of her chest in the hollow below her heart tight with longing. “You don’t believe that.” She says it like she knows it’s true. She wishes she did. He doesn’t answer her. He presses his mouth into a hard line and traces his scar with his fingers, even though the muscles and contours of his arm are tight with pain. If she goes to him and covers it with her hands, hiding burns and pale, thin scars, will it make them go away? No. Some things are permanent and cannot be forgotten. “Do you love me?” she asks him in a small voice. She reaches out like she is going to touch him, but he is too far away and her fingers grasp thin air. “I don’t know.”

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Arrora — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:57:31 -0600

Oooh is this a really bad place? I just read Tooterfish's post above him. If this thread is really backed up, just ignore this, kay?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:33:38 -0600

You don't actually post your excerpt here. Post it in your profile under "Novel Info" and we'll navigate to it via your avatar. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:34:27 -0600

Oh yeah, and you should do a critique before you expect to receive one. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:34:34 -0600

@Arrora I like the excerpt, and it looks like you write in first person. Really good for first person, but your writing might be better if you write it from third person.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:48:43 -0600

@ EmmaMayfield I like it. You can tell that you like your martial arts; those are some very action-filled scenes. Good things: it's a very interesting scene. Things happen fast, so it's grabbing. The last sentence is great. Things you could improve: I think it's all there but if you mess with the word order and word choice, you could get more of an impact. If it makes any sense, it's almost like you're skimming the surface a little bit? You have a fantastic opportunity with those scenes, to make them very jarring/emotional (or whatever you're after) so go for it :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:58:59 -0600

Okay, thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Tooterfish — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:03:48 -0600

Sherylgwin and I got skipped.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:26:33 -0600

@tooterfish So, I'm always thrown off when I read about Cen, because my brain still hasn't assimilated to that as a girl's name. I reread the first few of your excerpts going "what?" And then I'm good. The only real issue I had with your piece was the way you referred to the weapon as just "ZK." Not "the ZK", but just "ZK." "Cen waved ZK around" and "She set ZK down" could both use a "the." I understand referring to a weapon by its name, and saying "I'm not going to shoot you with ZK" makes sense. The other two examples I used -- not so much. By the way, thank you for explaining about it before the excerpt! The thing about not having real bullets on a ship with dangerous captive people made sense. But when I read about the bullets possibly breaking the hull, my brain went, "You mean that's still a problem? Space travel is still afraid of bullets? Wouldn't that have been solved somehow, with the advance of technology?" Otherwise, great piece! Keep it up! @sherylgwin Tell me more about Riveria, Ciera and Terrance. Give me more details in your synopsis. What special powers do these kids have? How old are they? What troubles arise? Strange people? You mean our heroes are going to go crazy? Please place a space after your paragraphs. Makes for easier reading. Please review your excerpt and correct with proper capitalization, punctuation, and contractions. In the first sentence -- "What" does not need to be capitalized. "You're", not "your." "I'm", not "im" Watch your adverb count. We are now in the season where "ly" words are not your friends. Use them sparingly. After "believe" and "Riveria" (quote after the believe one) place a comma. Be careful of starting consecutive paragraphs with the same words. Alas, talking about science does sound boring. I'd have to agree with the character that expressed this thought. I'm reading an argument with three people, but I still don't know what they're talking about. I know this is because I've jumped in the middle of a scene. Please provide pertinent background info to help us understand the scene by itself. "Terrance's", not "Terrances." "Yeah," not "Yea." "Neutral", not "neautral." "So now you're talking ghosts?" --- Who says this? You have three people, so you have to give more indication of who is speaking than if two people are holding a conversation. Yes, it's a pain in the rear. "Now you're just using big words to make it sound all scientific and stuff." Haha. Whoever this character is, I like the way they talk. They seem to express my thoughts exactly. Just when I'm going "what?" you have a character doing that. This is a GOOD thing! You're obviously explaining something important, and are keeping in mind that your audience might be bored with the explanation. "Too," not "to." Please include only one excerpt. Chapter 4 is sufficient to judge your style and level of writing. Since I have another person left to critique, I did not bother with the Ch 22 excerpt. Okay, I read through the excerpt, and all I really learned was that something complicated was being explained. Probably very important to your story, but hard for a reader who hasn't read the other three chapters to grasp the adventure that you've told us about in your synopsis. Please pick a different scene. And if Ch 22 does that, use that and cut the Ch 4 scene. Now I know why you mentioned which chapter your excerpt came from. You're 14? AWESOME! @EmmaMayfield PLEASE include a synopsis! It can give us a great look at where your story is going and whether or not the reader will be interested in your story. Please include a space between paragraphs. Makes for easier reading. You used the person's name twice within the same quotation. People usually don't talk like that. Include a space after you end a quote, please. "But Ben wasn’t listening. He was kicked in the gut ,and he doubled over yelling and screaming. “Macy! Run!” Okay, first of all, you insert action into the middle of an already very interesting conversation. FBI? Someone's leaving? What's going on? I'm intrigued. Second, you need to tell me more about the scene. How is it that Macy doesn't notice that Ben is being approached by people who want to hurt him? And if you're kicked in the gut, doesn't that knock the breath out of you? How can you yell and scream like that? Check the backpack sentence. "Having" is out of place when you talk about the goons forgetting it. And you make it sound like the backpack is on the truck and not on Macy. Which is it? "All was not right." --- I LOVE this line! I had to read the thing about Ben not being able to say it twice before I understood what you meant. At first, I read that as a mistake. "He's crying and yelling, but can't talk?" Please include a longer excpert and a synopsis. Why was Macy just kidnapped? Why does Ben automatically think she's dead? Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ipark87 — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:41:29 -0600

If this is not okay, please berate me! I didn't see a post above mine to critique, but I will check back for one after this to try and help. Synopsis: Hollis is perfectly happy in her average life in the Mantle, a society surrounded by a towering wall in order to keep the outside world out. She has friends, her family, and even a crush that is starting look promising, but when she discovers that she can move objects without touching them she gets a one way ticket into the CoRE, a secretive sector of the government completely surrounded by The Wall. While those around her are clamoring for the kind of chance that she has, all she wants is to stay at home. Inside of the CoRE she tries to fit in, but her accelerated abilities earn her the notice of the most powerful leader in the military, Brendan. Things seem to get better as he takes more and more of an interest in her, but along with the romance that is blooming many questions about life in the CoRE start to brew. Some of her peers start to collapse during training sessions, losing their powers forever. They are sent to the hospital to recover and then allowed to live and work in the CoRE, so the Council claims. Hollis wants to keep to herself, but she can't ignore that she has yet to see anyone return from the hospital or the fact that no one else seems to question the disappearances. When a friend of hers collapses, she is thrown into action. She finds that Aaron, a CoRE-born, is the only other person asking the same questions that she is and he becomes her only hope for saving her friend, but will it be enough? Excerpt: If there was one thing that Hollis never wanted in life, it was a talent, but she got one. She had spent most of her life thinking that since she didn't want one, she wouldn't get one, but she was wrong. Then she made the mistake of thinking that she could keep a thing like that a secret. She was wrong again. It was all over when her shoes got up and flew across the room right in front of her mother. Hollis didn't know what the point of a talent was if it wasn't going to cooperate with her. There was no use in hoping that her mother didn't see it either; the laces had nearly brushed the tip of her pointed nose as they arched past. When the shoes hit Hollis square in the stomach, she made no move to catch them. They landed on the floor with a thud. Only a few days earlier there was a similar incident involving her toothbrush. It jumped up from its place beside the sink; she hadn't caught it either. Her decision had been instant. Before she even retrieved the fallen toothbrush she knew that she wasn't going to report it. No one had to know what she could do. So much for that. If she had known that rushing to get ready for school in the morning would be the end of it all, she would have just been late. Now there was no going back. If only there was a talent of invisibility she might be able to hide. Instead she got the ordinary, by talent standards, telekinesis. That's what everyone got, despite rumors that other abilities existed. Her mother's tanned arms were around her in seconds. She couldn't move inside the crushing embrace. It was lucky for her since it was one less thing she would have to do to pretend to be excited. “I knew you would get in.” Her voice wavered, and though Hollis could not see her face, she must have been choking back tears. “Ira, come in here.” Finally she let Hollis breath again and stepped back. “What is it?” Hollis could see his eyes go from her mother's teary smile to her own face. She tried to look happy, but her father was not easily tricked. “Tell him, tell him.” She was bobbing on the balls of her feet. At least she didn't seem to notice that Hollis wasn't doing the same. Her father was looking at her sympathetically and Hollis got the impression that he already knew what she was about to say. It wasn't a secret that her mother had always wanted her to get into the CoRE. Having a talent was only one of two ways to get in. There were also the aptitude tests, taken at 18 upon graduation from school. The CoRE was always looking for bright students to study science at the Commission for Advanced Learning and her mother made sure that Hollis studied every night. She gave her little quizzes over breakfast to test what she had learned. Hollis knew the material, thanks to her mother's efforts, but she had never planned to pass the aptitude tests. “I have telekinesis.” She tried to sound happy, but she felt like her stomach was full of rocks. She was weighed down and felt like she was sinking into the floor. Her mother beamed even brighter and her father smiled at her. His smile was different though. He knew. There was nothing to do about it. She would not get out of this just because she wanted to. It was a crime to leave a talent unreported, one that she had already committed the first time she used her telekinesis. She wouldn't ask her parents to commit it as well. Besides, Hollis knew that it would be easier on everyone to let her mother have this victory and her father seemed to agree. There was no use in disappointing her when the future was unchangeable. Her father brought her in for a hug. He leaned down next to her ear. “It will be alright.” When he straightened up he clapped his hands together. “How about pancakes to celebrate then?” Hollis' eyes immediately flicked to the clock on the wall. “Don't worry so much, dear. You can go to the CoT any time of the day. There is time for breakfast.” Of course. Anyone who suspects that they may have a talent should must to the Commission of Talent as soon as for testing. The message was drilled into her mind. There were posters on almost every wall of the school proclaiming it in bright letters. She could remember a time when the posters were more like CoRE promotional posters; encouraging people to report talents more than demanding it from them. She couldn't remember when they had changed. She must have hesitated longer than she meant to. “The cut off date for the month is Wednesday. You could still go to school tomorrow. If you want.” Her father was trying his best to comfort her. If only she had been able to keep her secret for a few more days she would have had a whole month left in the Mantle. ((I'm just wondering the general question of whether or not this is awful. Also, since it is the very beginning, does it hook the reader?))

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 11:22:48 -0600

@ipark87 Please post your synopsis and excerpt on your profile under Novel Info. Generally, you only receive a critique on this thread after you have given feedback on someone else. Me and fuzz still need a review.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:16:59 -0600

[quote=streamergurl] Hot and angry tears cascaded down her face. She lay on the bed and continued speaking toward the ceiling. “I was wrong! I have released Trevor. And my mother...” She started crying again. “My mother believes I hate her.” [/quote] The only thing you can change that I see is "I have released Trevor" to "I released Trevor." Overall, I loved the excerpt! I'd love to read more

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ipark87 — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:37:47 -0600

Oops! Let me try this again then. streamergurl: I thought it was pretty awesome. Intriguing. I don't have anything to specific that I would think you need to fix. One thing though, is maybe you could add more description in the flashbacks that she has. That might just be a matter of opinion, but if you wanted to add more emotion to the scene that might be a good way to do it. fuzz: I'm not sure which POV you are going from. Obviously it is in 3rd, but is it following the male character or the female? Maybe it is an omniscient 3rd? Anyways, to me it switches from sentence to sentence. I'm not a professional at this though. Let me try to give an example. He inhaled sharply and turned his head away. Vision was too aggravated to be sorry that she had bruised his fragile emotions. {This part seems to be from his point of view because she would not know his inner thoughts.} Every day he pried into that taboo part of her life and every day that he did, it bothered her more. Sweet though he may be, Glass was bad at translating subtlety and worse at weathering bluntness. No matter how she asked him to stop, she was always being cruel in his eyes. {This part is from her point of view.} It is usually better to stick with one or the other. Just a thought.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:49:06 -0600

I changed my excerpt :) And I've critiqued already

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sunflakes — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:44:31 -0600

ipark87: Sounds intriguing. Just reading the synopsis on a back cover would be enough to make me want to read it. I liked the personality that came through. However, the description could use some upping. The way you described people's actions and movement was good, but you need to bring me into the room a little, give me more description using all five senses. Also, I would cut down on the "to be" verbs a little more: was, were, had been, etc. They don't have any sense of movement. I also don't think you need to say so much about what is obviously common knowledge in her world. Because it's so obvious to her, if she were writing it, she wouldn't state all that. She would just take it for granted. I'm sure there's a lot more of the story where you could slip in these details a little more subtly. Then again, I'm nowhere near an expert. Don't take my word for this. It's just my nowhere-near-professional opinion.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 19:03:53 -0600

I was skipped??...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:00:43 -0600

Thanks for the review (& to streamergurl for making sure I didn't get skipped). Hopefully the POV is clearer with more of the story but thank you, I see what you're saying about the head swaps. The entire thing is from the girl's perspective but yeah, in that excerpt, it isn't as clear as I thought it was.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sunflakes — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:37:27 -0600

Oh. Sorry. I thought I saw someone critique yours. I guess not. I'll just do yours, too. Was anyone else skipped? Hopefully we'll be caught up now. This is actually pretty okay, if you use it as a base. Every piece of writing goes through stages where what you've given is not enough. You've given a scenario, now tell me why. Just because somebody goes to a gang meeting doesn't tell me why they're about to be executed. I think you can make this into something really intriguing if you give me more. Why is the execution stopped? Why is it even happening in the first place? What did he do that was prison-worthy? Who is Ms. Johnson and why does she care if another prisoner dies? These aren't things you need to necessarily tell up front, but it can be written in such a way that will make readers aware that there is more. In all honesty, you're working with very tender subject material. Inexplicably imprisoned people on the verge of execution then mysteriously stopped is almost full on cliche. That doesn't mean you couldn't pull it off, it just means you have to seriously give it unexpected twists and give it feeling. What you have written quite honestly isn't enough. Imagine your friends were being executed before your eyes. Would you just look away? I know I wouldn't. I would probably be screaming, struggling, generally having an emotional breakdown and, if I were a character with fighting skills, I'd jab my elbow really hard into the stomach area of the guard holding me, palm strike his nose up into his skull and do just about everything in my power, however limited or extensive it may be, to save my friends' lives. I really do think you can pull this off. I just want you to make it real to you. Once it's completely real to you, the readers can't help but being entranced by your story. And I think you can do that, you just need to give your story a bit more life. One last suggestion, I think your writing style is good, but I'd be a little less wordy and, for the lack of a better word, grandiose. If you want to make this something that people can't help getting personally attached to, write naturally. Write less by what sounds mystical and poetic and more by how you would talk if you were having a personal conversation with someone. There's a time for mysticism and poetry, and in the final stages of editing, you may want to throw some of it back in. That's up to you. But when you're still in the beginning drafts, I'd definitely take it out for now. I really am impressed, though. It takes guts to write all that and still more to ask for critique on it. What I'd do here, if I were you, is go through and flesh everything out, then put that draft aside and start from scratch in a different file. Because then you don't lose what you have, but I can't count how many times I've had a story I really liked and had to re-start from scratch in order to make it sound the way I wanted it to. Sorry, kind of long, but I couldn't fit all I wanted to say in a shorter response. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:43:39 -0600

Excerpt is totally different from what the synopsis makes it seem. Earlier in the book, it explains why, where he is, etc. Thanks for the critique!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:11:46 -0600

@sunflakes Thank you for giving a brief synopsis of your story. While I like short and sweet, I would prefer more than one sentence. The material you have is sufficient for at least two paragraphs. I liked the description of twilight. It took me a minute to picture the rooftop of the building where this scene took place. All you mention is that he's staring at the sky, then the "door to the roof" clicks, alerting him to someone else coming. And though you describe the door sound and mention who it was that approached, you then switch to Merrit being surprised that he was interrupted. Since you had JUST talked about who it was that entered, the surprise didn't seem real. If he heard the door open and heard the guy breathing, the voice shouldn't take him by surprise. Try not to use the same word twice within the same sentence. The thing about Chandler reaching out to Merrit didn't jibe. First, because I had a hard time understanding how Merrit knew that Chandler almost touched his shoulder if his back was to him. Second, it gave me the whole point of view confusion. This phrase did not make sense -- "and the words Merrit couldn’t find refused to rise to the surface". I can understand words refusing to rise to Merrit's mind. But words that Merrit COULDN'T find? Huh? "Summer to winter" struck me as odd -- are the seasons different in your world? Or is this just a phrase I haven't heard of before? I liked the mention of the friend dying. I'm not sure why Chandler's upset about it, but I like the moment you have here, even if I can't quite tell whose voice it's in. And I like the ending line about it being easier to talk in the silence. Please tweak this excerpt slightly (or enlighten my confused brain on something I just don't see) to clarify point of view, and this excerpt will totally rock. Hope this helps! I had a hard time identifying what point of view you were using. You seemed to gravitate toward Merrit, but then you switched to things that Chandler felt within the space of a few paragraphs. Not sure if that was intentional or not. It kind of made it difficult to read.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ipark87 — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:14:48 -0600

It was a pleasure. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ipark87 — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:38:03 -0600

I definitely did not think about describing the setting any, oops! I will for sure work on the to be verbs. That is probably the intangible thing that I couldn't put my finger on. As for the saying too much about the world, I was worried about that. Thanks so much for reading!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 11:03:35 -0600

@streamergurl, Another solid excerpt. I can't quite remember if I've critiqued this one though. In any case, here we go. I'm probably very wrong, but I think you could do with a few more ellipses to better convey both her internal turmoil at her plight/pleas and the choked nature in which she is relaying them to the Almighty. Isn't the default of most prayer silent? Second, why not say "She prayed for peace, and -when that didn't help- she prayed for her family again. I think it is awesome that all I could nitpick were the use of more ellipses and a possible reworking of the first few sentences. Keep it up!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Sunflakes — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 11:05:39 -0600

Thank for the critique! Maybe I'll get around to writing a longer synopsis at some point... I'm new around here, and I'd only checked out two or three people's novels to get an idea of how it works, and they were all one or two sentences. Now, though, I can see that a lot of people have longer synopses. Oh, he was actually just surprised at who it was. He knew he was there, but he had expected it to be someone he knew a bit better. I'll see if I can make that more clear. It would be helpful if you could point out where I accidentally used the some word twice. Other than the, a, etc. :P I live in Utah. We sort of skip fall, so it didn't really occur to me that other people would think it was weird to go straight from summer to winter. I'm not quite sure how to make it sound better. "Summer to fall to winter" just sounds to long, while "summer to fall" isn't dramatic enough of a change for me. Maybe that's just 'cause I like stark opposites. Hm. I'll think about it. I changed some of the other things you mentioned. Thank you, this was very helpful. However, I'm not quite clear on why you're so confused as to the point of view. I've never written from Chandler's; it was definitely supposed to be Merrit's the whole time, and I can't figure out why it was so confusing. Looking back, I see that sometimes I'll just flat out say what he's obviously feeling, eg: "embarrassed that Merrit had noticed." That's mostly because feel like I said things like "appearing," "looking," "seeming," etc. way too often, and it didn't seem necessary when it was totally obvious. Especially because Merrit is the kind of person to jump to conclusions about people and not really think that there may be something more. But if it's confusing, I can add one of those verbs.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:01:28 -0600

I love ellipses and already use them too much. However, I will check that part. Well, some prefer to pray aloud, but a lot of prayer is silent. There is a reason she's speaking this instead of thinking it, I promise! :) Thanks!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:03:09 -0600

"Ridiculous" is the word you used twice in the same sentence, very close together.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:14:24 -0600

I get your reasoning on the prayer as a whole. I should have specified that I was only referring g to the first lines.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:54:25 -0600

@Wilson3sd: Missed some punctuation in the third paragraph, after "she continued." Same in the last paragraph, after "as he thought." I think your synopsis is wonderful. I'd definitely stop and leaf through the first few pages if I came upon it at a bookstore. The excerpt itself commanded my attention, and I was disappointed when it ended because I wanted to read more. But that's the point of an excerpt, isn't it? Overall, a job well done. One thing I was a little confused about, though: who's Mark? He plays a big part in the excerpt, but he wasn't even mentioned in the synopsis.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 20:45:09 -0600

Mark is an anglicized version of Mercadier, friend and confidant of Richard the Lionheart. Mark would be the mysterious missionary of the synopsis (which is mostly streamergurl's suggestion that I liked too much to change.) Going off another critique in a different thread, was the geography of the scene confusing? Thank you!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:29:03 -0600

@therenaissamcegirl First off your synopsis isn't bad. The only problem I see is the first two paragraphs lead you to believe the story will be from Cecilia's POV you might want to reword it so that it is all from Casey's POV in the synopsis as it seems to be in the story. [quote]Casey slouched into the loveseat, examining the impeccable gleam of the television screen, the navy walls and deep maroon curtains, and the way the sunlight squeezed through the cracks of those maroon curtains and hit the white carpet with an odd pink tint. He caught a glimpse of an ornate glass chandelier through the arched opening beside the kitchen, and he immediately straightened his posture, realizing once again how dirty he was. A cold draft invaded the room, and Casey shivered, gazing longingly at the fireplace. His eyes inevitably rose to the picture hanging above and to the left of the mantel, to the kind but piercing glare of the woman’s blue eyes. [/quote] Next the first sentence is too long. You want to break it up so it is more showing then telling in tense. ie "Casey slouched into the loveseat. His eyes roaming about the room examining it. The room was so spotless that even the television screen had an impeccable gleam to it." go on to describe the room colors in how Casey thinks of them as he notices them ie "Casey had never seen such a color scheme in a room before. The walls were painted a deep navy blue, while the windows were covered with deep maroon curtains. His eyes followed the gleam of sunshine that filtered in though a crack between the curtains landing on the white carpet turning it strange pink color where it fell." You have a tendency to over use commas. [quote] “The picture,” Dylan said, still playing, ~~still~~ focused solely on the movement of his fingers. “That’s my mom.” [/quote] What is he playing? it isn't till much farther in the excerpt that you find out it was a guitar. You need to mention it here as well. ie "Dylan said still playing his guitar," Also you do not need the second still. [quote] “Tomorrow.” Dylan finally looked up again. He did not say anything else, but instead implored Casey quietly, desperately, to help him fill the emptiness of the house. I’ve grown tired of this isolation, he said. It’s so quiet here. So dull. So cold, and I don’t understand why, but I don’t want you to go. So please, he said. Please come back. And while Casey understood, he could not bring himself to make any more promises. The Smith house was so cold and quiet, and he didn’t want to return any more than Dylan wanted to stay. [/quote] The italics is out of place here. Casey can not read Dylan's thoughts so you need to be saying this more from Casey's POV. This should be worded better. He is not imploring Casey with words yet that is how this seems to come across as you read it. He is imploring with his sad, desperate and lonely eyes. So use that and remember you need to show not tell.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:57:22 -0600

Hmm. From what I see, Mark, Emma, Drew, and Natalie are on an overlook above a beach, and Babby, Nate, and the strange figure are all down by the water. If that's right, then it's probably not too confusing. But if I'm way off, then maybe some extra imagery wouldn't hurt. xD

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 22:05:39 -0600

Bobby* Silly me ^__^

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

therenaissancegirl — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 22:10:12 -0600

Thank you for the critique. :) The story's actually in 3rd person, not 1st, so I'm not technically limited to just Casey's point of view. As for that second comment... I'm notorious for excessively long sentences, so thank you for that. I'll try to take out some of the less necessary commas. And I'll also try to make that last passage less confusing.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

HarleyB — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:47:13 -0600

I had a hard time maintain an interest here. A shorter, more intense excerpt would create more interest in the story. The first ten paragraphs are far from exciting and I had trouble continuing from that point. Much of the dialogue seemed stiff and artificial. You lost me completely about two-thirds of the way through, and I did not finish reading the excerpt.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

KAlast — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 20:54:19 -0600

Hi Harley B I was a bit confused as to how this thread worked but I finally figured it out. I have just read your extract on your profile page and this is what I thought: Firstly, I like this as I’m a huge fan of fantasy, but… I am confused after your first paragraph, I kept trying to figure out where everyone was standing, and I sort of think this may be irrelevant to the story. Your third paragraph has a repeated word (it) and also a missing capital letter. You switch from calling her Katherine and the girl. It can just be Katherine because you have introduced her by name in the first paragraph. Also, when using an ellipsis there should be no space between it and the word before. I think the “I… am… in charge.” line may have more impact as “I am in charge!” There are a few show versus tell issues, for example: “The Advisor's feet left the ground and he flew backward about ten or twelve feet. He landed on his back with a thud and a howl of pain.” This may be better as something like: “The Advisor flew backwards about ten feet, and landed on his back with a thud. He howled in pain.” This is also more active rather than passive and you don’t need to tell us his feet left the ground as you have shown us instead. Your use of “there’s” annoys me but this is more personal preference. I prefer there is or there are or there was. Overall I liked this and think I would really enjoy reading the story and finding out more.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

AnnieColleen — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 23:53:42 -0600

@KAlast: it looks like you figured it out. :) Is your excerpt the beginning of your novel? The reason I'm asking is the infodump in the second paragraph, which seems out of place. You don't need to present that information right up front; it can be worked into the story as it becomes relevant. Also - this is largely a matter of taste, but I would like to see more of your narrator's unique voice, the sensations he's feeling, the specific details he notices that someone else might not, that would let me really get to know him. As-is, parts of the narration seem self-conscious, and that pulls me out of the story as well. As an example: I ran across the rocky ground as debris fell around me, forming craters in the dust. The images here are mostly general - rocky ground, debris - things that could apply to many narrators of many quite different scenes. Why is he noticing the rocky ground - for fear of tripping? Because it hurts his feet? Because it's specific to one area, and when it changes he'll know he's closer to safety? Debris - what kind of debris? Can he tell what it's from, or is it too wrecked to be identifiable? What kind of sensations are connected to it - a smell of burning, maybe? A rain of smaller particles as he's dodging larger pieces? Colors contrasting against the sky? What kind of emotional reaction? Shock, anger, fear - but even those are very general; what does this specific destruction mean to him? If he's narrating just so that we know what's happening, that comes across as implausible and, as I said, pulls me out of the story. Craters in the dust is a good detail to build on here. With other telling details around it, that could be a really powerful image. This isn't to say that you have to go point-by-point through every detail. :) But think about the details that are specific to this experience of this character, and use those to make the story feel like more than just a narration of events.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

KAlast — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:13:30 -0600

Thank you AnnieColleen. This is sort of the start of the novel. The format is not the norm - I have alternating chapters of past and present, and this is the first present chapter. This is also my first draft with only a quick read over before posting the excerpt. I was thinking I might not even need the first two paragraphs anyway, and start from when he is thrown to the ground. Thanks for your comments, everything helps :-)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

HarleyB — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:44:50 -0600

Thank you. This is the first draft and your critique will be helpful when I begin proofreading the text. Some of your comments will also help as I proofread other sections of the story. Where the men stood at the table is not important. Who is there is what is important. I will rewrite that. I like your take on the "I am in charge line" as well as your rewrite of Katherine's attack on the advisor. I'll probably keep the "there's" because it is dialogue. Grammatically "there are" would be correct. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the critique.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 01:52:44 -0600

I read the excerpt in your profile and I can say that I have no idea what it is that I read. I don't know if this is because it is so late at night, or if you intended it to be that way. I was able to follow the conversation with Blaise and his companion well enough, but the other sections threw me for a loop. You state that the excerpt takes place before the story, and that makes me wonder why it's there in the first place. I did, however, read your synopsis, and it looks rather interesting. Perhaps it is just a stylistic mechanism that you have. I can't be sure though. --JSC

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 07:35:32 -0600

@J_S_C I'd like to comment on both your long synopsis and the excerpt. Excerpt: The lack of punctuation threw me initially. However, I really really dig the stream of consciousness during the act. There were very few things I'd change/look at. Mostly it was minor stuff like: -"I will be your rose thorns..." After rereading this line it works as is, however my initial thought is to strike rose. Have it just be as being their thorns and beauty. -"locked it in a part of yourself" Maybe just locked away in yourself? -Instead of where one begins and the other begins, why not where one ends and the other begins? Like I said above, I really liked this. Good job! Long synopsis: Unless you're going for a happy ending after the seeming melancholy of the book, I would end after the inheritance and commitment to success. The rest feels extraneous. There are a few spelling errors: ellicit/illicit, med/men, etc. The questions you pose regarding the philosophy of attraction are very interesting. Normally, mainstream lit/gender lit isn't really my bag. However, I would read this. (If I can make it through the flippin YaYa sisterhood book I can read anything!)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 15:03:21 -0600

Haha, thanks for that. My book is nothing like "The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood," which I found absolutely horrible. As for the rose, what you propose would be "I will be your thorns and beauty red or white or pink or the tulip or dandelion yellow." I think rose needs to be there because of the listing of the other flowers--tulip and dandelion. The second change you propose, I actually did consider where "one ends and the other begins," and it was in several of my drafts. Maybe, I'll think of changing it back. I'll have to sit on it for a bit. As to the long synopsis, when I look at the thing as a whole, I think that it gets to be a lot like "The Legends of the Fall," and while that was a good book, and decent movie, it kinda made me want to slit my wrists. I don't want to have a wrist slitter, but if you think the point after the father's death is extraneous, then there is the possibility that it just might be and I will have to up the dose of my anti-depressant when editing it. Thanks for your reading. --JSC

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

LadyStarlea — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:08:32 -0600

reading what queenoftheoutlands said about your except I had to go read this for myself. OMG I Loved it. the synopis, the except. I even read it to my 6th grade daughter and husband. My daughter agrees with me in the hope you get this publish it sounds so funny and good.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 08:54:51 -0600

@Wilson3sd Wow. You sure know how to pack a punch into a small excerpt! Overall it was very clean. The aftermath of some type of battle...and then the monster approaches again. Check the "you know that, don't you" line. There is no punctuation after "continued." I was doing fine with the excerpt until the character observed the three figures. You say that Bobby has collapsed. Then you say something about the figure that's approaching. Maybe it's the wording, but I only understood what you meant about the monster and then the third figure (Nate) just now, after reading that part for the tenth time. Looking closer at the next line, I see why I was initially confused. You mention the approaching monster, and I thought that the monster was coming toward the other characters instead of Nate. And I can't help but wonder: Who's Mark? You introduce everyone else in your synopsis.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 12:22:37 -0600

I'll have to look at that. The creature is advancing on Bobby with Nate in between them. I see where it could read as if the creature was advancing on the onlookers. Mark is also mentioned in the synopsis, just not by name. :) Thank you for the critique!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Wilson3sd — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 12:26:16 -0600

Sorry for the backhanded compliment! I mentioned cutting the second rose because you mention it earlier in the line. It works well the way you have it. The ending is...I shouldnt have used extraneous. Rather, I think the optimism is very good to cap the story but your risk is I curtailing the readers imagination as towhat would be "successful" in her new life after her fathers death. Yeah, definitely don't want to read a wrist-slitter. :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:08:00 -0600

@Streamergurl: I love that you're writing Christian fiction, actually :) it sounds like a very nice change from all of the insipid romance novels that litter the genre. (you know what I mean, I'm sure: pretty Christian girl has trouble, finds nice Christian guy, PROBLEMS ALL FIXED) Your first paragraph seems a little choppy. Joining some of the sentences would help, I think. "She tried praying silently for peace, but it did not help. She prayed for her family again, and still she could not rest." feels a little less choppy, but it still needs work, I think. Reading over the whole thing, I think the biggest issue is that you use a lot of short sentences. Merging some of them and/or making them longer will do a lot for the flow. Honestly, I can't find anything else wrong.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:32:46 -0600

Haha, thanks. I know what you mean about the genre. I ended up reading a series set in the Civil War just before NaNo that was Christian Romance. By the fourth book (of ten), I knew who the bride or groom would be within the first few chapters. They were well done, of course, but the equation was basically the same. Fall in love and get married. There was a case of falling in love AFTER the marriage, just to change things up a bit. I'll check those sentence lengths. Thanks so much!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

sovay — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:48:55 -0600

@Katarinea - you have so much highly charged emotion in this scene, it's really quite powerful! (: But to me, the excerpt borders on melodramatic and as a result it pulls me out more than it pulls me in. I can see the characters' pain, but I don't feel it with them. Part of this is probably because I haven't read the whole story, and therefore I don't really know who died or why I should care that they died, but I feel like I'm being told "the characters are super upset!" about five hundred times when I could tell in the first two sentences they were crying. I don't need to be told a million times that they're crying - a ctrl-F of "tears" brings up eight or nine highlights, and that's too many. There's so much emotion here, but it's sort of slapped on the page rather than infused in a meaningful way. I might slash the amount of crying - you can tell us they're crying once, and the reader can infer that they're continuing to cry - and cut the character dialogue to just one or two sparse lines. I'd give the reader the sadness in much simpler language - phrases like 'tears redoubled' and 'peculiar anguish' sound nice but don't really resonate with me - and I think you can have a better chance of relating to the reader. Lastly, I might try to use setting to my advantage - their environment takes on a different filter when it's viewed by a bunch of upset people than a bunch of happy ones. A farmer who's just lost his son in a war will notice that all the bare trees look like soldiers, but a farmer whose wife had a baby will notice that the trees have potential - catch my drift? I hope this helps! (: Working with really emotional scenes is definitely difficult!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Katarinea — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:30:34 -0600

Thank you! I'll definitely take that into consideration when I start my edits tomorrow :) I know there are words that I over-use a lot. . ."eyes" is another one that I definitely use too much. But hey, that's what editing is for, right?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

XVisiEX — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 22:22:27 -0600

@Sovay Alright I am gonna try to...improve my crituqe here. The scene is rather short so and a bit choppy so I don't have too much to go one(I have heard that one before for myself XD). Some short setences can be great, i really like the "Papa shoved his fists into his pocket and mother picked at her fingernails" bit. It just stands out as very human like to me =) the whole scene sort of gives off a sort of sad feeling. Matching that aginst christmas and the fact it is post war I like that. Afterall war was a terrible thing and they didn't have all the studies and doctors and therpaist knowldege we do now. I have to say though.......who is speaking? Is it a young girl? A young boy? I think if you extended the scene your problem would probably be solved along with extending some sentence lines that would be great. Also, did you intend for the table to be transparent? Just curious, it was interesting wording =) I really hope this helped in some way.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ramina — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:42:34 -0600

I walk into my home and glance at the clock. It's already 5. I have some time to kill before I have to start my mission so I walk over to the TV and turn it on. My mission tonight, is just like the missions I have every Halloween night and every new moon. The missions can be deadly, but I have no family to worry about me except for Jack. He adopted me, like all the other Dreamers when we were just babies. Jack is the leader of the Dreamers. It is our job to get rid of the darkness. Darkness invades your dreams and if there is enough of it, it can kill you. Usually humans have weird dreams or wake up in the middle of the night with no explanation. When they do, that is when your body is trying to alert you of the darkness but can't get rid of all of it on its own. The darkness is our sworn nemesis for all eternity. They are the ones that cause nightmares and they can easily bring the dead back to life as spirits. These spirits can only be seen in the fourth dimension of our world. The fourth dimension is where the spirit and dreaming world overlap with the living world, the third dimension. Bad souls rest in the fourth dimension where they can accumulate darkness inside of them and grow in strength. From there they can also invade a persons dreams and make them do vile things. Since the spirit world overlaps with the living, those in the spirit world can see the living world but the living cannot see the spirits. It's like a one-way mirror a bit. The levels of darkness that spirits can accumulate are dislike, fear, scream, shock, help, nightmare, and death.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

ramina — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:44:40 -0600

Sorry, long post is long. You may critique any of the three paragraphs, you don't have to do all three.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Steampunk avi8or — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:34:44 -0600

Your story sounds good, but I just have some nitpicky stuff to say. I did all three paragraphs because I'm like that. XD 1st Paragraph -You use the word 'mission' four times in six sentances, which is repetitive -If you were wondering if a mission was deadly, you would think of yourself, not your family first. It's just human nature. Also this bit about Jack is just not really 'flowing' in my opinion. why don't you put that in later, maybe the second paragraph 2nd Paragraph -Nice concept! -This paragraph is good. 3rd Paragraph -I have no specific advice, but this explanation seems to circle around and repeat things. -The levels of darkness? What does that mean? Clarification needed Nice story concept, and I'm sorry I'm a harsh critic. I realize my comments might not be 100% true, but try to pay a little attention. Good luck! :3

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:16:18 -0600

@XVisiEX I remember reading your synopsis before. You have improved it since then. It flows much better. I was drawn into the story this time. I was hurt for the girl when the employer said, "You sounded so smart for a black girl." It makes me mad that some people still don't look past someone's skin color. Your entire excerpt, however, had no ending punctuation outside of your quotation marks. "She said bluntly " is just one example. Also, you use quite a lot of adverbs -- "ly" words. I know, they're so much fun to use! Please limit them. I was advised no more than two per page. Hope this helps! @ramina Please post your excerpt on your profile. On this thread, you generally don't receive a review unless you have critiqued someone else's work. Someone will come along behind you and return the favor. @Steampunk avi8or Please add a space between paragraphs. It makes for easier reading. I really don't like the line "there's nothing civil about this war." And tell me about the new invention, please! What's a kraken? The line about London needs a question mark in the quotes, not a period. Next line uses exclamation marks, but the little man "said." Reserve this description for statements that end in periods, not exclamation points.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

streamergurl — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:23:15 -0600

Ack! I hit submit by accident! Your review will continue now. "Said Diane" doesn't really work. And since this tag is after a quote, that word doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized. Either way, "Diane said" works much better. But be careful about using repetitive "said" lines multiple times within the same page. Yes, it's a pain in the butt to think of new ways to say "he said, she said." But the hard work will pay off while reading! Suggestion: Italicize "we're" to start and to end (no spaces) Automatons? What's that? I'm also intrigued. Now you've introduced a prophecy. These strangers show up and they're supposed to destroy the town. Interesting. You can end these quotes with commas, since you have tagged the speaker after each quote. And I loved the ad-libbing line! Gave me a sense of who the character was. Okay, I'm confused why she burned the town. And I didn't know until then that she was a robot. But I loved the ending line! Hope this helps!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

bikegirl115 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 11:49:09 -0600

Okay, I'm a little confused on who I'm supposed to critique so I'll just do both...? Reading peoples' stuff is so fun! The ideas people come up with are truly amazing. @Steampunk Hehe "nothing civil about this war", nice pun. I like the humour in general in this excerpt- "lightning would have cracked on black clouds," Diane's ad-lib. I was literally laughing out loud at some parts. The prose at times doesn't flow well, especially in the first couple of paragraphs, "Also... was always a plus." I don't know if your non-use of question marks in Okapi's sentences is intentional, but it distracts a bit from what he's saying. The dialogue tags are also a little distracting from the dialogue that's going on, you don't need a dialogue tag and description for every sentence, and sometimes the word "said" is enough without adjectives and synonyms. So is it androids versus people or law-abiding citizens versus pirates? Either way, it's a cool concept and the humor is great. @streamergurl This is a cool concept. I love Christian novels that have people struggling with their faith and its connections to the real world (I guess in this case Jasmine's real world is more dark fairytale- like, but it's very cool how it has a plot and relates her real faith to her situation). Her prayers, and inner voice, were moving. The part where (I assume it's) God is speaking somewhat confused me, because it seems to contradict the next sentence where she doesn't get an answer. Is the voice from God in her head? Is it a memory? Maybe you want to clarify that. The writing was choppy in the paragraph, ""The crying... it just felt right." In Jasmine's prayers, the short-sentence style seemed to fit and I could really feel her emotions through the way she expressed them, but when it goes back to third person it's a little jarring to me that the sentences are still that choppy. However, this might be what you're going for. I would totally read this book; there are not very many Christian books in this sort of setting and I love the main character from what I've read!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:04:17 -0600

I very much enjoyed your excerpt. I thought it sounded like a true young adult novel. One thing I noticed was that the specific personality of TJ was immediately expressed in just those few lines of dialogue, which is something I personally have trouble with sometimes. I also enjoyed the wit of your dialogue. I thought it flowed very nicely and sounded quite realistic, something I notice certain writers have trouble with, for it often comes out very stiff and too formal. Basically, your dialogue is quite nice. However, I have a couple suggestions. One, I'd maybe add a little bit more description to both the setting (unless you did this earlier in the story) and to the characters, perhaps by analyzing the emotion emitted in their physical features and voice a tad more. Also, I was a little confused over who the narrator was. I first assumed it was Sally, since she is made to be the MC in the summary, but then it says that Rachael is the speaker, so are you going to be switching POVs throughout the novel or...? I'll be honest, unless something is just blatantly terrible, I'm not really the best critic in the entire world, so you may want someone else to critique this too. Overall though, I thought yours was great, I thought your story sounded interesting (I for one love stories with a close-knit gang of unique characters), the excerpt was evidently from the story you described in your summary, and as I said before, your dialogue was real and witty. Perhaps just add a bit more description and clarification about the narrator, and you should be good to go.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:38:40 -0600

@Honeybadger You've got some nice imagery going on, especially in the opening lines. The attention to detail is palpable, but I would suggest elaborating on the psychological effects that the nightmares are having on Lena. I also believe there's a slight conflict of interest (that may or may not be intentional) with the story premise, which is that good and evil are abstract concepts. But then you go on to describe certain characters as "pure", "absolute," and "perfect." So I wonder if the story eventually changes it's tone as characters are delved. Are you referring to Jack's physical attributes exclusively, or (as a good vampire, I'm assuming) is he simply a contradiction to everything society knows? I think if you are careful you have an opportunity to invigorate your story with food for thought, so I would research Jung for your psychology, Nietzsche for your philosophy, and Taoism for your theology.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 12:55:53 -0600

Oh, well Jack is actually a human character, and has been Lena's boyfriend before the novel even began. A major theme in the novel is the basic "gray area" concept that is often associated with growing up, and Jack is supposed to embody that. I know it's confusing because you don't know the plot of the story, but there is a reason for the contrasting statements, as they're referring to two different types of characters. Also, I'll try to talk about psychological effects a little bit more. I always wanted to add more for that scene, but I've been having some serious "Writer's Block." I can think of what I want to write, but not how to write it. Hopefuly it passes soon though. Thanks for the critique!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Steampunk avi8or — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:37:20 -0600

The lack of question marks is intentional, and in Word I have what he says in a different font- because he's a robot. Thanks for the advice about the dialouge tags. I was avoiding it being a laundry list, but I realize I went too far in the opposite direction and just made it a jumble. Thanks, this is one of the comic relief parts, and I'm super glad you thought it was actually funny :).

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Steampunk avi8or — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:49:41 -0600

Thanks, the first thing you said about the dialouge tags is really helpful and I've heard this from multiple people, so I'll work on it. Automatons= old fashioned word for robots/androids. She burned the town because Axel has anger issues and he also can telepathically control machines (a little unrealistic, but hey it's fiction). Being patted on the head was the last straw. He made her do it, and regrets it after. Reading your previous post, I had spaces between the paragraphs in Word, and was too lazy to add them here. A kraken is pretty much a giant squid on steroids. Thanks for critiqing, and for reading this reply! Next person does not have to critique me, I've already been critiqued twice.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:21:34 -0600

Has everyone been critiqued so far? If that's the case, could somebody take a look at mine? I don't have time to do a critique now but I'll pop back in later and take a look at whoever posts after me.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 11:48:10 -0600

I would appreciate a critique.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 12:56:51 -0600

@andrew.mack: Can you give a link to one of your paragraphs? In the meantime, can someone critique mine? [quote]Chapter 5 - The Start of Winter Break Jane awoke from her sound nap; her eyes opened and read the clock: 10:25 AM. The girl rose from bed, dressed herself in a sweater and jeans, and followed the smell of honey and pancakes. The smell led her to the kitchen, where Mrs. Primley stood near the kitchen counter and mixed a bowl of pancake mix. Beside her was a plate of freshly prepared waffles with honey syrup poured on top – a dish that caused Jane’s mouth to salivate at the sight to the point that Jane could only satisfy her desire to eat the plateful of pancakes by actually eating it.[/quote] I am not sure about the "plateful of pancakes". I don't want it to sound like she actually is eating the plate. I want her to eat the pancakes on the plate, yet I don't want to sound redundant either. Help?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:41:09 -0600

Never mind. I think I have the "plateful of pancakes" part right. Can anybody critique the paragraph anyway?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

andrew.mack — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:58:08 -0600

My excerpt is available on my member profile.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:30:48 -0600

[quote]Sayuri sighed. For one silver mark, the water was much too cloudy. She placed it back on the shelf and continued to loiter about the curious little store. Warm sunlight from the late afternoon spilled through two casement windows, revealing air particles nearly as dense as the dirt in the water for sale. As she walked, the wooden deck gave constant protest. It was beginning to make her anxious. Mr. Vincent whistled a tune and polished one of his large black shoes at the counter. She wandered about the sundries. A bitter odor of cured meat tickled Sayuri's nose through the infernal wrappings that hid her face. She did not care much for the smell and moved past it. She knew eventually she would return to that bottle. Decent clarity was always impossible to find this far south, and she was already on borrowed time. It would probably have to do, even though it felt profoundly unfair, by the way. The fact that nothing improved bothered her. She did not remember a lot from what happened before the Great War, but she could not recall being thirsty all the time. Even more peculiar, her uncle said once that Lord Dammerung was a strict ruler because he wanted everyone to have clean water and nice things. As far as Sayuri could tell, the fighting had only made water more difficult to swallow. She felt that every misery in the world stemmed from one base evil. Though her thoughts were a jumble, the thought that gave her much frustration was the sin of greed. Sayuri sensed that her bandages were beginning to loosen. She was quite relieved, for the bandages irritated her by warming her too much. When they would come off, she would be free. On the other hand, she considered that more importance should be stressed that she should be very careful. She dared not let anyone see behind her white dressings. Only her uncle, who would admire her face as if she had been the most beautiful girl in the city, was permitted to see her unmasked. After a fair amount of deliberation, she decided to retrieve the flask of water and take it to Mr. Vincent, the clerk. He was very tall and loved to sing. His penchant for singing increased his proficiency immensely. Sayuri committed her coin to purchase, until Mr. Vincent surprised her with nine silver pence. She should not have received any change, but apparently the water had been incorrectly appraised. Thus, Mr. Vincent declared that the amount due was not ten silver, but one. Sayuri was only about twelve years old at this time, but her limited exposure to the cruel world had taught her to recognize acts of kindness for the priceless things they were. Sayuri felt like one lucky lady! Suddenly, she could afford a pastry or two for herself. “Your songs and your sweetness always make me smile, Mr. Vincent.” Another customer entered, distracting Mr. Vincent from the two large eyes' peeking up through ugly white wrappings. The visitor came to the counter to conduct his business, sparing only a moment to note the oddity of a street scamp's holding a plushy item. Chafed by the stranger's brazenness, Mr. Vincent resumed the application of his shoe gloss. He listened at the man with an incredulous look on his countenance -- a countenance that made Sayuri giggle. Waving goodbye, she went out into the ramshackle village. The sky was fickle with cumulonimbus clouds beginning to dull its color. Looking up, a fool might have convinced himself that there could be rain, but there was never rain. The buildings around Mr. Vincent's shop were even more dilapidated, but the warmth of the sun put a bounce in Sayuri's step. She smiled down at the pebble-ridden path, for she was a girl in a daydream. Her uncle would insist on sharing the daydream. Rounding a corner, Sayuri unknowingly caught the attention of four local bullies about her age. Thirsty for water as well as entertainment, they maneuvered to intercept her so quickly that she nearly collided with Russell, the main rascal. His breath reeked of buzzard offal, and boils festered on the back of his neck. “Leave me alone,” Sayuri warned, but her voice faltered and served to enrapture his cronies. She held the bottle protectively and realized that she could not defend herself with it. Hatred filled her at once. Hatred for the marvelous quagmire this world had placed herself in. Russell snatched her bandages, but she arched back defensively. Another paw came at her face, and she dropped the bottle to hold her bandages together. Glass shattered, and her precious gift was absorbed into the ground. The boys began chanting and whooping, clawing at her mask so that they might taunt the burned, disfigured face of an innocent refugee. They were nearly successful, until the girl seized Russell's arm and crushed the median nerve in his wrist. Crying in pain, the boy recoiled. Sayuri dropped low for her second attacker, and his swing cut through the air. She shot up like a trebuchet unleashed, slamming her fist into his jaw. Blood and teeth exploded from his mouth, as his feet left the ground. [/quote] Not bad. I did some minor proofreading. I advise you to copy this over to a MS Word Document and compare it with your original to check up on any differences. Otherwise, good job. :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:34:30 -0600

I am wondering about the conception of Sayuri's name. This is a Fantasy novel, yes, but I can tell that some characters have Westernized names, while Sayuri sounds like a Japanese name. A little explanation on this issue would be helpful! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:35:12 -0600

Don't forget to give me a critique! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:56:39 -0600

You both forgot me :(

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

mollie-j. — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:21:31 -0600

@ Fuzz - A few sentences in the first paragraph that confused me- "He dreamed. Dark-haired northerners chased him, eyes afire. He ran, ran for his life, hard-won friends at his side. Then he slipped on the treacherous ice that slicked the ground, fell hard". The imagery you wrote is beautiful, but I believe it could be rewritten to where it's not so choppy and repetitive? Such as: "He dreamed that dark-heared northerners were chasing him, eyes afire. He ran for his life with his hard-won friends at his side. All of the sudden, (< maybe use this instead of "then", maybe more gripping?) he slipped and fell on the slick, treacherous ice on the ground. "The enemy were (should it not be was?) upon him, axes raised above their heads, powerfully muscled bare chests glistening white, despite the hot, red blood beneath the pale skin." Everything else I read was really entertaining! I liked how Kiernan disapproved of the whole "sex-slave" thing. I felt you displayed your character's attributes well! Your novel definitely interests me, keep writing!

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:00:21 -0600

Hi Fuzz, I'd be happy to look at it but I can't find it. Can you repost? I've liked other bits of writing you've posted so I'd be delighted to have a go at it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:49:05 -0600

Hi Mic, I'll give this one a go. Overall it sets the scene up neatly and I have a feeling for what's going on even though this is only a few sentences from the 5th chapter. The paragraph could use tightening up to improve readability. [quote=MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo] Jane awoke from her sound nap; her eyes opened and read the clock: 10:25 AM. [/quote] I think the semicolon is uneccessary. It would flow better as two short sentences. [quote]The girl rose from bed, dressed herself in a sweater and jeans, and followed the smell of honey and pancakes. [/quote] There's some redundency here. "The girl" is uneccessary Jane is usualy a girl's name. Do your readers know her age by this point? If so then don't bother mentioning her youth. Most people in a home-like situation would sleep in a bed so leave that out. Lastly 'dressed herself' isn't needed unless you're dressing someone else or it's unusual/unexpected for the character to do it (age, infirmity or injury). So this could just read: She rose, dressed in a sweater and jeans and followed the smell of honey and pancakes. [quote]The smell led her to the kitchen, where Mrs. Primley stood near the kitchen counter and mixed a bowl of pancake mix. [/quote] I'd simplify this to It led her to the kitchen where Mrs Primley was mixing pancakes at the kitchen counter. [quote]Beside her was a plate of freshly prepared waffles with honey syrup poured on top – a dish that caused Jane’s mouth to salivate at the sight to the point that Jane could only satisfy her desire to eat the plateful of pancakes by actually eating it.[/quote] A couple of things here to fix. "Beside her" is a bit clunky. I had to read it twice to figure out who had pancakes beside them. You could try something like "She had already prepared a plate of waffles ..." to indicate the 'She' is definitely Mrs Primley. End the sentence there and go on to Jane's reaction. Jane was so overcome with desire for the dish of waffles she had no choice but to eat them. Shortening the sentence increases the sense of impelled action. Also you refer to unmade pancakes and made waffles - which is it she's going eat? The pancakes in your original paragraph are unmade yet so referring to her eating them disjoints the flow. I like the picture you're drawing and this would make me keep reading. Tighter flow would make it more abotu the story and less about your word choice making it more enjoyable for the reader.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:59:33 -0600

Thank you. I agree with you about those changes. I did overuse the word 'then' and some bits are definitely very clumsy. I think I might have been trying for something similar to Joel Sheperd's writing style but it isn't working for me at all. I really appreciate you pointing that stuff out. I'll go and make the changes in a second :) Your excerpt is very cute. I think it's a really good prologue. Your characters are very deep for their age but they're doing it in a little-kid way and I think it's working well for you. You've also set up your characters, their personalities and provided backstory in a succinct, interesting way. I also liked the repetition towards the end. Your grammar's good and the flow of the story is good as well. The only thing that really gave me pause was that I wasn't sure if "What if it matters if I’m a girl?" is meant to be that way or if it's a typo.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 07:38:19 -0600

@mollie-j "What Romeo Taught Juliet" Hi Mollie - I already bought your book back in the blurb thread so now I've started reading the prologue. This is totally cool. ;) The scene of your exceprt in general works well. The premise is good - argument, tension, romantic attraction, the fathers stepping in. Where it doesn't ring true for me is that the age of the children involved doesn't come across consistently. [quote]I snatched the red toy car beside the small boy sitting cross-legged in front of me and stuck my tongue out at him. He pointed his finger at me. “One more thing outta you, and I’m telling your daddy.” “Go ahead,” I smashed the toy car into the mud. “I’ll tell your daddy about how Emily broke up with you[/quote] In this passage the kids feel about 5 or 6. A couple of things trigger it for me - playing with cars, smashing in the mud, the small boy sitting cross-legged and the "I'm telling your daddy". In general nine year olds would be engaging in more sophisticated play with far more complex plots. As a rough guide, boys like to see themselves as the narrator of the story and they like their characters to be powerful, in control. Girls like to see themselves in the story and develop complex details around setting, plot, premise and keep readjusting constantly to try new angles and bring in variables. This is very generalised and I can see you're trying to give Sabrina a masculine play style here and Archer a more feminine one - perhaps this is info you can use to convey it in a more age realistic way. [quote]I swear I was the smartest nine year old around when it came to men[/quote] This level of self-knowledge would be unlikely for a nine year old and I don't think she would use the term 'men' at this age. If she's reflecting back on this memory from a more mature perspective it would be ok but I don't get that from your excerpt. [quote]“Ericka?” I repeated, dumbfounded. Ericka was the prettiest girl in the third grade. I mean I wasn’t shocked that Ericka had gone for him. He was, by any means, the cutest guy at Camden Preparatory. I was just surprised he was able to jump from girl to girl that quickly. Why, Emily had just broken up with him last week! I wasn’t actually expecting him to already be taken again![/quote] This is quite a sophisticated analysis of emotions, inter personal relationships and her own feelings. These would be more appropriate to a teenager in their mid-teens with experience of a mature dating scene rather than the TV serial analysis of girlfriends and boyfriends that nine year olds have. From this point onwards, you really lost me with the stated ages. Nearly all of the rest of the interaction is too mature for nine year olds. I haven't gone into line by line detail but ask me if you'd like more examples. Other odds and ends: [quote]It wasn’t really much of an attack, though. He was a boy, and therefore, ten trillion times stronger than me. His hands locked around my wrists, and he flung me on the ground below him. His knees came on either side of my stomach as he sat upon me, arms to the ground. I attempted to get him off of me by waving my arms and legs around like I belonged to a rabid monkey.[/quote] I had almost bought this exchange until the last sentence. Overall it is a bit jumbled, but people don't tend to read every word of a fight scene, so it was doing ok. But the last sentence was silly to the point of being jarring. Gramtically, she wouldn't belong to a rabid monkey, she would be one. But I feel like she is fighting as hard as she can and monkeys aren't known for their fighting skills. Unless the monkey metaphor is important I'd go for something else. You could even avoid the animal all together and go for My flailing, uncoordinated arm waving attack failed to get him off me. I think there's a good scene here but you want it to be more grown up so you can set up the forbidden love angle. So you could change the ages and make then somewhere around 12 or 14 and then much more of this rings true and you've only got to change the thing they're doing together. Or you could have Sabrina re tell the story as an adult and then she can put the mature lens over it for the reader. It could work as a snarky or self-effacing reminiscence or she could be retelling the story to her best friend. Or, if you want to bring a different voice in here, you could have Archer retelling the story which allows you to preserve Sabrina's voice for the first chapter. Keep working at it. You've already sold the story to me, I'd like to see how it progresses.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 08:43:58 -0600

[quote]Jane awoke from her sound nap; her eyes opened and read the clock: 10:25 AM. She rose from bed, dressed herself in a sweater and jeans, and followed the smell of honey and pancakes. It led her to the kitchen, where Mrs. Primley mixed a bowl of pancake mix near the kitchen counter. Beside Mrs. Primley was a plate of freshly prepared pancakes with honey syrup poured on top – a dish that caused Jane’s mouth to salivate until Jane made the choice to eat it.[/quote] OK. I've changed the recommended changes, even though I have to keep some of the original. I keep the "from bed" part, because she may be sleeping in a hammock or a stack of hay. It may sound unusual, but I think that kind of specification would not leave the reader's mind wandering. I think "waffles" was a typo. It was supposed to say "pancakes". I change "her" to "Mrs. Primley", because it's more specific. I am still unsure of the last clause. I feel that making it an independent clause about Jane's reaction would make the paragraph choppy. So, I am thinking of removing the last clause about Jane's reaction altogether. On the other hand, I can keep it and try to make the two clauses into one continuous sentence.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:44:06 -0600

Sorry to be "this" person, but the correct idiom is actually "all of A sudden", not "all of THE sudden." I'm very sorry for this random nitpicking... I just thought you should for future stories...

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:56:31 -0600

It's getting closer, focusing the last sentence has helped a lot. I can see you like specificity and although that isn't how I would write, I can see it's your style, so I'll try and work with it as a reader. As a suggestion for the last sentence, how about the dish made Jane's mouth water so much that all she could do was eat it.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:43:15 -0600

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:31:20 -0600

I think the first line looks a tad awkward. I think I just do not like the use of both a semi-colon and a colon in one sentence. You could easily split the sentence into to two or alter in a way so that it does not need a semi-colon.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

fuzz — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:36:26 -0600

Thank you :) It's meant to be on my profile page. If that's not working, here's the excerpt: [quote]He dreamed. Dark-haired northerners chased him, eyes afire. He ran, ran for his life, hard-won friends at his side. All of a sudden, he slipped on the treacherous ice that slicked the ground, fell hard. The enemy were upon him, axes raised above their heads, powerfully muscled bare chests glistening white, despite the hot, red blood beneath the pale skin. Then it changed. The fearsome warriors shrunk down to children and they were pulling teeth from the jaw of a corpse. He and his fellows were hiding in ambush. One of the children raised a necklace strung with shrivelled human ears, waving it about proudly like a banner, chubby infant’s fingers stained with red. Kiernan screamed a battle cry and sprang out of hiding. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice shrieked at him to turn back but he ploughed on. He couldn’t stop. He drew his sword and with one relieved one child of his head as around him babies bleated, voicing their helpless fear… He started awake with a gasp. He was cold. That was an odd feeling for him; he had been complaining of the heat ever since leaving the snow but now a thin sheen of sweat had put the familiar chill back into his bones. He stared up at the ceiling, waited for his racing heart to slow. Damn his father. Damn him and the Ether look his way. He closed his eyes stubbornly but he knew that there was no going back to sleep now. He never had learned that trick of sleeping on command, like the veterans had told him he should. He couldn’t clear his mind enough to manage it. A pair of arms snaked around his chest and somebody slid into place behind him. He tensed and a frustration that was almost as familiar as the cold and the nightmares bled into his mood. “Oti,” he growled, “What did I tell you the day I bought you?” He felt her shrug against his back, “Couldn’t rightly say. That was a few months back, master,” She tried to rest her cheek on his shoulder but he shook her free, sitting up. He turned to face her and eyed her sternly. “You are not stupid. You remember perfectly well,” The girl pouted and looked good doing it. She had nice lips; and a few other nice things as well. That didn’t change the fact that she was only fifteen. Or that she was a slave. Being the Crown Prince’s bed-slave probably looked like a good role to fill but Kiernan was not interested. Even if he could see himself keeping a mistress, it would be a free-born woman, with some real degree of choice in the matter. “What did I say?” he asked. She crossed her arms, an unfortunately distracting movement. She knew damn well what she was doing, as well. At least she was wearing a night-gown now. The first few nights, she’d tried not to wear anything at all. Kiernan had made her wait out on the deck until she had been willing to behave. “You said that you didn’t want a bed slave and you wouldn’t take one. You don’t like the slave trade and you weren’t gonna treat me as a slave; you only bought me cos my old master was gonna beat me closer to death than you liked,” a brief pause, “I didn’t think you meant it,” [/quote]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

MicRoNaNoPiCoFemToWriMo — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:57:39 -0600

Eh... I think it's fine. I am accustomed to using colons, semi-colons, dashes, and hyphens all in one sentence. I don't think the sentence is misleading or anything. Your suggestion seems to be a stylistic issue, so I am going to keep the sentence as it is. Thanks for your contribution, though! :D

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:53:33 -0600

It's improved the action of the last sentence.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:04:58 -0600

Morwood - I think yours is the one I am supposed to be critiquing, if not I apologize. Let me know if it isn't! [quote]As they left the house she took the basket from Aaron and walked companionably beside him as she tried to take in the sights. They were in a street wide enough for two cars to pass in with a gutter running down the middle of the paving stones. Houses lined either side of the road and were regular in appearance. Painted front doors and the patterns of curtains or shutters were the key distinguishing features. They passed six or seven more houses before reaching the corner. Aaron and Eliza's narrow street met a much wider way, large enough for four or five cars or a large crowd to pass by.[/quote] Things feel a little.... Choppy here, as though all of the sentences could be condensed down to flow. The first sentence is very good in that it draws me in and gears me up for something that I think I'll really enjoy reading. But the sentences after feel like a lot of information portrayed in a very technical manner. It doesn't draw me in as much since it doesn't flow quite right. What I think you could do t fix that is simply adjusting the sentences, getting rid of a few and bringing a couple together. Maybe something like this? "They were in a street wide enough for two cars to pass and with houses lining both sides that all looked the same. The only thing to set them apart was the patters of curtains or a shutter or two. Eventually, after passing six or seven houses, Aaron and Eliza's narrow street met a much wider way. Large enough for four or five cars or a large crowd to pass by." It's not perfect, but it shows how you can condense it down and match it more to your first sentence. [quote]Aaron pointed to the left, "That leads to the south gates and the main bridge into Aeochmere. That way," he pointed right, "Will take you right up to the Citadel if you follow it, but we're not going that far this morning."[/quote] I can't find much wrong with this, other then the fact that you didn't capitalize He in the "He pointed right,". Ohter then that? Really good writing here! The sentences flows and above all else seems natural. [quote]Keira peered to the left and then the right. The road maintained its width and sloped downwards past a few more rows of homes and then ended at two large gates set into equally large walls. Aaron turned to his right and Keira followed looking up the wide way to the Citadel. Her impressions of the night before had been correct, it was built on top of a natural rocky outcropping that had been used for its foundation. It reminded her of a castle she had visited in Scotland that was built in three sections like circles nesting inside each other. The uppermost tier was a circular keep that reached far above them. The road wrapped around the outcropping and turned back on itself at a higher level. Down it here it was bordered by the carved face of the outcropping to her right and a long, tall building to her left.[/quote] About three fourths of this reads really well, but about a fourth goes along the first paragraph. Try to find what could be changed and condensed down slightly. But I do love the "It reminded her of a castle she had visited in Scotland" It builds a great frame of references, and a view of her past! [quote]Aaron walked patiently beside her, letting her take in as much as she could. When he saw her looking at the windowless building he explained, "That's where I was raised."[/quote] I have to say that these shorter bits are where you're really drawing me in. They flow really well, build character and generally make me want to keep reading. [quote]Looking at the expanse of blank wall, Keira asked, "Why no windows?"[/quote] I like that you brought the question of "Why no windows?" up, because I was wondering that as well. This is really good, and brought up a valid question in a realistic manner. [quote]"There are windows on the other side, and doors all opening into a walled and guarded courtyard. As this is a public way, there are no windows on this side to protect the young Enchantiri."[/quote] The answer is good, straightforward, and reads as though it were from the character. Great job here! [quote]Keira peered at him, "Protect from what?"[/quote] Again, something nice and simple that flows well. [quote]Aaron resumed walking and it was a while before he answered. "You must learn that we have not had Derora's peace for many centuries and even before that, Enchantiri were feared by some and prized by others for their powers. Young Enchantiri were sometimes killed before they could be brought to the safety of Citadel. And sometimes they were kidnapped before a Joining could provide them with protection."[/quote] Now this is something that really sparks my interest. I want to learn more, more and more about all of this! The history and different pieces of it seem like they'll click into place somewhere along the line, and i wish I could see how now. [quote]"Were?" Keira asked, "If there is no peace now, aren't the young ones still in danger?"[/quote] Once again, a ghood question that the reader would be wondering. [quote]Aaron shook his head somberly. "There have been no young ones for over a hundred and fifty years. Among other reasons, it is why we called to you. Your Triumvir will be of great interest to the council."[/quote] I really want to keep reading now. Drat! I really want to read what's going to happen in the council and find out why in the world there haven't been any young ones for so long. All in all this is a really good excerpt. i think with a bit of solid editing on the flow it could be great story, and it's something I would read and enjoy. My excerpt is on my profile, first drat so grammatical errors will probably exist.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

tinkerbinker — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:58:12 -0600

I just looked at this and wish to apologize, not the best spelling in the world. I will pay more attention the next time.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

frenziedmythology — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:10:25 -0600

@ tinkerbinker OK, I'll try this. I really liked your excerpt, and the synopsis (I know I wasn't supposed to look there; I just couldn't resist! ;) ) was funny. I really like it, and it will drive me to turn the page.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

alex.hebert — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 10:52:52 -0600

First Chapter Excerpt from, "A Unified Entity" Within the Head Drone’s deep chamber swelled a large meeting of guards. Even through the dimness of the chamber the shadows of the tall abled bodies could be seen on the dirt floor; their long green limbs moving with sleek graceful power as they greeted their newest member, their wide heads cocked to the side and framed by their mandibles observing his initiation. Their powerful jaws moved in swift clicking motions as they cautiously welcomed Mantid, as often occurred while enlightening any new member to the information which only the Head Drone and them were privy to. They watched as the Head Drone finished Mantid’s initiation by informing the hesitant young guard of the truth about the Surface, a knowledge all lower classes of the colony were kept from. “How can you be sure of what’s up there?” asked Mantid. “I can’t be sure exactly…but there are two possible outcomes to its discovery. Either it will prove to be a fatal environment, or it will be abundant in commodities we do not require…either way the colony will be lost, along with any hope of the completion of my kingdom before I pass. That is why it is your job along with the other guards to be sure that no member of this colony ever reaches the surface… and if they do, it is your responsibility to silence them.” That night, after Tok-Tok signaled the end of the day’s work with three toks, Mantid rested quietly in his chamber thinking about what he had been told. Naturally, he was curious as to what truly was above the surface and yet, though he knew it would be fatal to openly admit it, he yearned to see for himself what was beyond the dirt chambers that surrounded him. “It must be magnificent” he thought. He had found it hard to share the Guards’ opinions while he listened to their frightening theories of what may inhabit the surface. Their glorious stories of “rebellious members” they had silenced disturbed him. Mantid was not so sure they were rebellious; just young and curious, more like himself than rebels. Whatever the case, Mantid was well aware of his fortune to have been born as the same species of the Guards, second only in hierarchy to the Head Drone himself. For this reason Mantid vowed to fulfill the duties a species born of his kind was required. Yet, through a near sleepless night, he could not shake his curiosity of what lay above the surface.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:00:24 -0600

You don't have bother posting the excerpt on here. You critique the person's excerpt above you on their nano page, and then somebody will critique yours.

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Julia VV — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 20:52:55 -0500

Let me say first that I love the twist at the end. Using that as an excerpt is sure to draw people in, because they don't expect it to be that way. The writing is good, very (almost overly) poetic for me, but that may just be those particular paragraphs. Lena is a bit of an over-used name, but I don't see a huge problem with that. Sounds good :) Anyone willing to do mine?

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Prosaurus — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 02:57:38 -0500

Okay, here goes. Bold is things I've added in or edited, italicised means I would take it out. [quote]We wait through the night, [b]but[/b] I know the moment the sun dips below the horizon that Miss Taylor won’t [b]let[/b] us enter the city tonight. But here we are, so close, so close to everyone I want to see[b],[/b] more than anything— ... [b]She isn't[/b] here, she can’t take me by the arm and hold me back. [i]Not really.[/i] But somehow, she does, from so far away I can almost hear her voice in my head, telling me it’s a bad idea—not as if I’ve been having very good ideas lately, but that’s a different story. [/quote] I like this part. It makes Miss Taylor seem quite ominous, like she is, in some way, not normal. [quote][i[So[/i] I sigh and curl up in my sleeping bag, watching the trees shiver in the wind and listening to Jacob’s even sighing next to me, never stopping, never lingering so much as an instant longer than it should on a breath. So peaceful. And I wish I could be [i]that[/i] peaceful, [b]I [/b]wish I could sleep. But [b]instead[/b] I lie awake in the silence, closing my eyes and [b]trying to[/b] convince myself I’m home, in my own soft bed instead of the rocky ground, the summer air streaming in through my open window, everything still, everything comfortable. But the sounds of the forest stop me from being able to lose myself in memories of a home that doesn’t [b]even[/b] belong to me anymore. It makes me wonder what would happen if I showed up there now, what my family would think, whether or not the Officials would arrest me—or worse. [/quote] This last part is good too. It makes the reader (Me, at least) curious as to what has happened, and about what her family would think. [quote]The night [b]passed[/b] on restlessly in such a manner, [b]although I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I awoke later.[/b] Everyone else is up, not really doing anything but talking to each other softly so as not to wake [b]those of us still sleeping[/b].[/quote] This part I think had some issues with tense. Also, at the end, I assume there are enough people that Coraline would not be the only still sleeping. All in all, I think this would be a good read. It's gotten me interested, it's make me want to carry on. I read the synopsis as well, and I'm curious as to what may be in Hope, and what will happen when they get there. Preview edit: I'm unsure of how to do bold and italics on this forum. I used [b][/b] and [i][/i]. I suppose you could try to copy and paste it into another forum? Now, I'd like someone to do my excerpt. Not the one on my profile, that's from my first draft, which is [i]vastly[/i] different. Since then I've added a completely new MC, as well as a lot else. So here's one from around 13,000 words into the second draft: [quote]“Hey,” she said. No she didn’t. Diana looked around. She was alone. The voice had certainly sounded like hers. She was probably just imagining things. She went back to brushing her hair. “Oh, please,” she said. It had definitely been her that time. She had seen her mouth move in the mirror. “Like you haven’t noticed me before,” she continued. Diana’s eyes widened. Was she going mad? She knew people talked to themselves, but they consciously controlled both sides of the conversation, didn’t they? “Remember in the library, when you saw the lady that had contacted the police about your presence? Remember how you began to back away, and went to the school of fight?” Diana didn’t respond. To herself. “Don’t you?” She asked herself. Down the hallway, she heard Durante yell, “What was that, bambina?” “I didn’t say anything!” She replied. Not her, the other her. “Yes, I’m real,” She said in a quieter tone, “You aren’t just hallucinating.” “Okay…?” Diana said slowly. “Who are you, or what are you?” “I suppose you could call me Diane, if you must. As to what I am, I would call myself another personality of yours. My theory is that I came from the experiment. If you know what I’m referring to.” Diana nodded. “Good,” Diane continued, “I believe that the experiment caused your—our—brain to create me, a super-intelligent personality able memorise, analyse, and problem solve much more effectively than a regular human. “Since we share the same brain, not to mention body, we share the same memories. Although, for some reason, we seem to be able to think independently. We may be able to communicate mentally, but I find the idea absurd. It would be impossible to tell if one of us was actually answering the other, or if we were just thinking of a probable response. So I would rather we communicated like this.” “You’re speaking like you’re a different person who had been trapped inside of me,” Diana commented. “That’s very true. But don’t be confused, I’m not. I’m merely our brain making things up. A construct, I might be called.” Diana didn’t need to ask what that meant. She already knew. Her intelligence quite possibly came from her memory, and since they shared a memory, they shared their knowledge. “Well, you might come in handy. You be the brains, I’ll be the brawn.” “Yes,” Diane said with a smile, “That’s an unsophisticated way of putting it.” It was quite disturbing, Diana thought, to see herself smiling and knowing it wasn’t her doing it. She dropped the smile.[/quote]

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

thesignificanceofevidence — Sat, 19 May 2012 01:21:44 -0500

Prosaurus- You did a great job of intertwining what was going on around the character with what he was thinking at the time which can be a hard balance to strike. I found the first paragraph and a few other places throughout the excerpt to be slightly confusing. This could just be because it's only an excerpt but I would suggest adding more detail in order to make it flow better. I really loved your last paragraph. It really pulled me into the story and especially the last line packs quite a punch. Overall, great job :)

Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Poster Above You

Kierstyn_west — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:35:04 -0500

This is part of the first chapter from something I'm currently writing :) Today is the first day of my surgical residency, but sadly I will not be seeing the inside of an OR. No, instead they were making me do field work. Me, a surgeon, would be working outside the hospital. I could feel the beginnings of a very long day. I walked inside the hospital to get my assignment. I tried not to look like I was sulking too much, but I don’t think I succeeded. “Taylor!” I heard Carter, my favorite nurse and best friend, call out to me. I turned around and smiled at him. He was my rock. “Bryant!” I called back. This was how we greeted each other when Carter was in a good mood. Last names and it was all sarcasm. “Heard you were working the field today, doc.” He winked at me. “You heard right. What’s it to you?” I asked. “You can take a nurse with you. You know I’m your favorite, right?” Carter teased. “Uh-huh, do you know the assignment?” “Dr. Jackson is waiting for you.” Carter said solemnly, “You know she won’t let you take me.” “Yeah, yeah.” I sighed. I waved goodbye to him and walked off in search of my attending. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my first day as a surgical resident was going to be spent on field work and not in the OR. I found her in the trauma pit. “Dr. Taylor, nice to finally see you,” Her voice oozed sarcasm. I wasn’t sure what to think of it. “I’m sorry to say that I’m sending you off for field work this afternoon. A fashion shoot on fifth needs medical personnel. I’m sending you and Cynthia along with one nurse. We need Carter here so find someone else.” “A fashion shoot? Really? What do they need surgeons for?” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little confused. A fashion shoot? “I don’t ask, all I know is they requested you and Cynthia by name and you’re going. And from what I understand you will be paid handsomely for your services so get ready and go. The location is at 5th and 59th. You have to be there by eleven. I heard the model was a little bit of a diva, but since when aren’t they?” She chuckled to herself, “Don’t fuck this up Taylor. It will be the last time you fuck up in this hospital if it goes wrong.” “Threat noted, Dr. Jackson.” I said and rolled my eyes. “I’ll get Cynthia and we’ll take Marie with us.” “Off you go. Oh, and you’ll need these clearance badges.” She handed me three of them and sent me on my way. I walked past Carter and gave him an ‘I’m sorry’ look as I walked by. He would know what that meant. I only had half an hour to make it to the set. Cynthia was waiting on me in the on call room and I paged Marie. She was the quickest and most punctual of the nursing staff and arrived almost immediately. She was a perky little brunette girl with a bubbly personality. She would be perfect for this whereas Cynthia was going to make me want to stab myself before the day was over. “Let’s go girls. We have half an hour to get to the set.” We made our way out of the hospital and made it to the set with minutes to spare. We were greeted at the entrance by an official looking blonde man. He lead us into the set after checking our clearance badges. “Rachel, Cynthia, and…” He paused as he looked over at Marie. “Marie.” I said. “Who are you?” “Martin.” He said, “Follow me.” We followed him to the medical trailer. I was still wondering why they needed surgeons as their medical personnel. Certainly they weren’t going to put a model in that much danger. How much danger could they really put her in on Fifth Avenue anyways unless they were suspending her off buildings… I shook the thought. They wouldn’t do that. “We need you to clear our model for this shoot. She was injured a couple weeks ago.” Martin explained, “The shoot is nothing dangerous, but we looked up doctors and you, Dr. Taylor, are the best in this area. Our model’s name is Anne; she’ll be in here to see you in a minute. Please be quick because she has to go into hair and makeup when you’re done with her.” “Hold up, Martin. I need to know more than that. What was the injury? And why did you need Cynthia and Marie here too?” I asked. “She twisted her ankle on the last shoot. She has trouble walking in heels, we just need to know if she’s okay to do this today.” Martin said in a hurry. “Here she is now.” He opened the door and a tall blonde woman walked through it. She was limping slightly, but she seemed to be powering through the pain. This woman, Anne, looked up at me with wide green eyes and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She stepped over to me and I stood. She braced herself against my shoulder and gave me an apologetic look.