Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

What does a query letter need to include? How do you start one? What kind of tone do you use?
Thanks. I'm a newbie to this step of the book biz. I'm not sure I'll ever send one out in my life, and if I do it'll be purely out of curiosity. Still, why not know as much as I can, just in case?

In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver and their memories behind and head toward London to find a better life.

But all Jeremy finds is dishonesty, violence and death. As he watches his father die of consumption and his mother take her own life, Jeremy is evicted from their flat, left alone to fend for himself on the streets of London. Forced to becomes a squatter, he occupies a vacant space between two buildings, and earns a living as a lamp lighter, lighting the way for men seeking entertainment on the rough night streets. The job pays a livable wage, but as the Duke Street Boys muscles in, demanding a sizable cut, Jeremy must pit his wits against them, and a growing list of foes, who are eager to prey on his vulnerability and no less worrisome of whom are the orphan hunters, who want to enslave him.

He all but comes undone, when he returns home late one evening to find his shelter burning to the ground and the hunters waiting for him. Unbeknownst to Jeremy – his neighbors have been watching him and they have developed strong opinions about this brave little orphan.

Jeremy has surprises for them all, for never had this neighborhood seen such a lad of inspiring determination and bravery.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of historical fiction, at 76,000-words.

Murder, romance,and intrigue are the driving forces in Chance Double a 80,000 word romantic suspense novel
Forever, it seemed Connie Carraway had serached for her father. Father was in prison. Prison is where her mind is. Is the breakdown of her car the way she found love? Love broadsided her. Her heart melted for a guy. Guy was Chance Double. Double was mentally ill. Ill in a pschycotic murderous abyss. Abyss he couldn't overcome. Overcome with love she does evil things. Things that put her in hell. Hell is hot. Hot like a furnance. Furnance of love. Love like nothing she'd ever felt. Felt it had all been a chance. Chance Double, forever.


What do you think about this query? Any feedback appreciated.

I just recently completed my novel, and just completed the query letter (which was much harder than the novel). So here goes, any type of criticism would be appreciated, thanks.

Dear ___________

A few drops of blood on a black rose and a note attached which read: “Your feelings of love grow deeper, but for him it’s not the same. Turn away now, or forever will your heart be consumed with pain.” was just one of the few, eerie warnings Dana Thelan received from a beautiful, mysterious girl that had been haunting her in her waking hours and in dreams. Dana ignores the warnings and ends up with a broken heart. Now with pain coursing through her body, she is visited by that same mysterious girl who is later revealed to be a Fury of Love, a brutal avenger of broken hearts. She passes on her curse to Dana, and as the days progress Dana finds her body going through drastic
changes, and acquires an unyielding urge to kill the one who hurt her.

Loosely based on the Furies of Roman Mythology, Hell Hath No Fury is set in the fictional town of Roseburn, Virginia. It is my first novel of 63,000 words, possibly targeted toward the older readers of the young adult, urban fantasy/suspense genre and I have just begun working on a new book, which interweaves aspects of fairy-tale and fantasy.

As stated by your website's current submission guidelines, I have ______________. A full manuscript is available upon your request.

Many thanks for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

Hi everyone! I was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my query letter. Thanks in advance, and I promise to look around the forum and pay it forward! :)

Dear Agent,

When a powerful crystal necklace jumps from Rachael’s dreams into real life, echoed by a desperate plea, her world is turned upside down. Add in a book with no writing, a vanishing thief and a faery named Ki, and Rachael soon doubts her sanity.

Of course the townspeople have always doubted. Being a prodigy in an oppressive society is tough, but it’s nothing compared to the strange powers that are thrust upon Rachael when she puts on the necklace.

Soon driven from her town, Rachael’s time is spent just trying to survive. Yet she can’t ignore the questions that arise. There are similarities between her crystal and Satu Fae; the illegal fairy tale book she has kept hidden for years. And who is the strange man living in an ancient ruin, secretly drawing townspeople into the woods?

As an exile, Rachael has no way to warn the people of the darkness growing in the forest. As faithful followers of Shendi, God of Order, they don’t believe in magic. They can’t see the thousands of spirits trapped in nothingness. But if Rachael and her friends can’t stop impending disaster, the townspeople may witness the spirits’ desire to live once more; no matter the cost.

Crystallized, a fantasy for young adults is complete at 85,000 words and has been professionally edited.

I can be contacted at authorlmtaylor@zoho.com Thank you for your time and consideration,

Sincerely,
Lisa M. Taylor

Anahlynn wrote:
I guess I'll get the ball rolling. :)

Dear [Insert Name Here]

Dead bodies are clogging the streets of Stateside. Lower classed Class citizens scrounge the streets for meager scraps to eat and the last patch of green land was sold in 2102. With a rapid increase in population, the Stateside officials decide to enact an unused law, Protocol Sancei: incase [wrong spelling--proof read BEFORE posting... if you sent this to an agent that's a strike. Don't depend on your critiquers to catch stupid mistakes.] of overpopulation, eliminate. Citizens who don't contribute to society are now struck down in their homes, their lives worth nothing.
[In the words of Miss Snark: Your query starts here. I don't connect to setting--I connect to character and character interaction with setting.]
Ciannon, a budding young musician, is in a constant fight or his life. With thousands of teens also training to be musicians, he fights for the right to live. Working at Everander's, a high-class restaurant bordering on prostitution, he comes into contact with Emily Bronx, presidential candidate and Ciannon's personal stalker. Rejecting her latest advances, he finds his family name on the Elimination list. [Sentence has grammar issues and goes into too many clauses and dead ends.] Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. [Cliches don't belong in query letters. You're fighting each sentence for the agent not to put it down--don't waste their time.]

Watching both of his mothers die, Ciannon flees to his only known relative: his donor father, head of Marxis, a secret organization dedicated to overthrowing Stateside government. Thrown into the role of secretary for presidential candidate Liam Wentworth, a secret Marxis, he's dragged into a power struggle that will decide the future of Stateside.[this muddles the conflict]

REBEL is a 90,000 word thriller that explores a world in which a right to life is only measured in usefulness.

Thank you for your time,
[My Name]

Well, have at!

See the post below you:
Read more query letters, read Katie Mac's questions, answer why it is special, pick one central conflict, and read the terms.

The reality is that in Nanowrimo land it is all squishy and field of dreams type--they will come if you build it... but then reality is that you'll be smacked a new one once you try to publish and your modes switch. You have 100 rejections to aim for, so you have to suck it up a little. Switch from Sadist to Masochist...

You can't afford to be lazy or make mistakes and you shouldn't rely 100% on critiquers to clean up after you. (though not to Anne Rice Level where you famously say you don't need an editor... enraging a community of fans while you get the definition of Defamation and slander mixed up...) Research and put your best foot forward.

Just a minor note about the last parg: he isn't watching his mothers die while he flees. It should read, "AFTER watching..." just a minor mistake :)

My, my! That sounds absolutely LOVELY!! What a good book idea! I hope to read it one day. :-)

Sorry, bold didn't hold up. =P

I cannot recommend queryshark's blog enough. She gives excellent advice and it's really helpful to look at all the queries on there and see which ones succeeded. Plus it's just entertaining reading. :)

Fantastic advice! Thanks so much. I'm still editing my manuscript but hopefully this forum will still be open for critiques when I reach this point.

I am sure you are correct in your suggestion that authors finish editing before sending a query letter but I would like to know the reasons why they should. Given the dismal chance of even a very good writer getting an agent from an unsolicited query for any particular work, wouldn't it make sense to start sending query letters as soon as the first draft is completed while they work on editing?

Then again I am one of those people who thinks traditional publishing is a bad deal for most authors when you look at the pay per hour of work, even without the problems of getting an agent and getting published.

Ugh, the hook is too narrative. It goes on for too long.

Plus it's already over-simplified.

Uggghhh.

Wrong voice--try reading other query letters. It really does help.

Okay this is my first time critiquing a query, so I apologize if I screw up.

Learned wrote:
Any help would be appreciated! Obviously I'm far away from my final edit, but you can use the query letter in the search for fellow nanowrimo critiquers...

Dear {Person},

{Agent specific paragraph}

Set in England at the dawn of the first millennium A.D., The Lady of Shalott is the story of a young man who encounters a legendary woman living in an invisible tower. This goes at the end. But every legend has a grain of fact …Remove the "but" and this would have been a nice opening sentence, in my opinion.

The book combines sci-fi and historical fiction, lending a modern twist to the classic Tennyson poem and a literary flavor to the teen paranormal romance genre. Goes at the end It takes the perspective of Arthur, a Celtic boy living with his family in Saxon England, just before the Norman Conquest of 1066. After a chance encounter, he strikes up a rare friendship with The Lady of Shalott. Known throughout the region for her lovely disembodied voice, she has never been seen by human eyes, despite the best efforts of search parties commissioned by powerful kings. Arthur learns that the Lady is related to his namesake, King Arthur. Furthermore, he realizes that the powerful half-human figures of King Arthur and Merlin are not magical wizards, but instead visitors from space, part of an ancient race that has used advanced technology to manipulate human history for thousands of years. As the country descends into madness and war, Arthur falls in love with the Lady of Shalott and risks everything to save her if he can. Er. Basically I would delete all of this and start over. All you're doing is telling me what happens(boy do I sound like a giant hypocrite). It's boring. A query is suppose to be informative, but interesting like the back of a book cover.

{Qualifications} If you do this make sure the qualifications are relevant. Self-publishing is best left unmentioned unless it became a bestseller.

Sincerely yours,

Learned

I agree with Kimberly Dawn about the voice. From what I've read, the query letter is suppose to sound like the blurb on the back of the book, not like a boring research paper(no offense).

NikoleStorm wrote:
Dear Ms. Blank:

I read on (website) that your agency was highly recommended. I also read that your company is interested in young adult fiction novels. I think that you may be interested in my book Betrayal. It is fifty one thousand words long. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript for my book and consider representing me. fiction novel is an oxymoron--in this case more moron than oxy. Fiction book==novel. Also this line should be used for things such as, "I met you in person at a convention and I got to know you well. You remember we talked about Greek Mythology over Spaghetti? You asked me to submit my manuscript." OR "I read on your website that you just bought book X and I have a similar book that I think will appeal to the same readership." Which always makes agent's spines tingle.

Sixteen-year-old Compound adjective gets hyphens. Nikole Smith’s life has been an unstable mess constantly moving from town to town, that is until she arrives in the small town of Ripley, West Virginia. This is not a hook. Ordinary girl in an ordinary life who happens to move a lot. No conflict or what makes this special. Just when she and her father start settling down she starts to notice strange things. Too nebulous. You're fighting the agent to read the next sentence. Don't waste space trying to get to the point. While running from creatures she would have never thought existed[,] dependent clause, so it gets a comma. she continues crossing paths with a mysterious handsome Show, don't tell. Why does she feel this way--detail it, don't describe it. gypsy who seems to know dark secrets of her family’s past. Hitting the "all too mysterious" trope, but nothing to latch onto as unique. All the while she’s oblivious to the fact that a grim future lies ahead for her and those around her. Same as previous comment. Here, I ask, so what, if I were an agent, I'd quit here. I need your what makes this special waaaayyy before this point. By here you should have cinched the deal and told what your conflict really is.

Betrayal shows us a girl who goes through many things. Even in the worst situations trying to keep her family happy. Too nebuous. I don't care. Whether it be lycans or vampires, Nikole triumphs over most, being courageous until something she would have never imagined happens and turns her outlook on everything completely around. Previous is not a conflict. Amp up the conflict.

I am twenty and Betrayal is my first book, although I have been writing since I was about thirteen. There is another book to follow this that I am currently writing and it is undecided whether there will be a third. I also have a couple of books in the making on different topics. Read the post above this on "Query letter basics." It specifically says not to do this, plus if you don't trust me, the links from professional agents and editors echo the same thing. You can have 10 stories published in your high school newspaper and it counts for crap.


I would be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review.Makes you sound like you don't have a complete manuscript yet. No good. Manuscript is understood to be complete when you send it to the agent, if it is not, then you are wasting the agent's time and that pisses off an agent more than you probably want to know. (I've read rants on the subject. Thank you for your time and I hope to be hearing from you.


My best regards,

N. Storm Nichols

Grammar errors, you missed reading some of the Thou Shalt Nots and your query letter suffers from it. And it's clear you haven't read previous query letters. Read at least through Query Shark, if not Miss Snark. If you really have to skip both, then at least skim through the you shouldn'ts in the third major post. The ability to read and follow directions and the free advice on query letters will boost your chances from getting out of the 80-90% of people who can't read instructions. Remember, you are fighting the 0.001% chance with an agent and it's even worse with a publisher (0.0001% chance--though some think this is generous.)

This may seem brutal... but it gets much harder from here.

I read on (website) that your agency was highly recommended. I also read that your company is interested in young adult fiction novels. I think that you may be interested in my book Betrayal. It is fifty one thousand words long. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript for my book and consider representing me.

The first two sentances are vague - if you personalize a query, make sure it's something that couldn't be said of every other agent. Also, I've read that your suppost to use numbers for your word length (51,000 words) so the agent can find it easier. I'm not sure hom much agents care - certainly it wouldn't (or shouldn't) be enough to make them reject you, but its something to keep in mind.

Two comments about my post since it doesn't appear that I can edit it.
There's a typo in the {} portion, there should be an "an" following "that is" and I seem to have misplaced it.
Also there seems to be much debate on if you should include similar works, so I've place them in the tentative portion and would welcome feedback on the issue.

Guess I'll take another shot at this whole critiquing thing. :)

zoed wrote:
Hi! I tend to be concise so I'm curious if this is too short, too boring, too vague, or any other comments. Thanks.

Dear [Agent]

[Personalization for Agent]

For seventeen-year-old Shayla, the surgery changed everything. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, Shayla has to figure out who she is when she's not the sickgirl. This seems a little wordy and awkward. Is it really necessary that we know her exact age? We can probably deduce that she's in high school. I get no emotions from this character and I wonder why I should care. The last sentence seems like you're attempting to be dramatic, but it fails. Ithink it would be better if you used it towards the end of your query instead of the beginning.

There are also some mysterious voice messages from her absentee father to consider, and the incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name. You just just glide over these problems as if they're no big deal when you should expand on them. Mysterious voice message from her father? Interesting. Explain that more. The art class she's in by default turns out to offer an outlet for her emotions she never expected, especially when she becomes friends with talented Lilah. Wait, what? You were just talking about mysterious messages and handsome boys when you did a complete 180. Your query needs to connect. With the support of her new friend, Shayla starts to realize that maybe she can finally be happy; if only she can admit to herself that she deserves it, and come to terms with the fact that being sick can be more than just a state of health.

SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. {Crohn's disease is an intestinal disease that is uncovered topic in YA literature despite its frequent onset during teen years and at least half a million affected individuals in North America. On most agent blogs I've read, agents hate when the the author assumes they don't know something. I believe QueryShark said, "If you've managed to capture my attention one little google click couldn't hurt." SICKGIRL is perfect for fans of Sara Zarr and Laurie Halse Anderson.}

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

{} I'm not sure if this portion should be included because of the lesser known nature of an important component of my story. I know agents have Google, but I'm concerned they'll just pass over something they don't immediately understand.

Your main problem seems to be that your query doesn't have a voice. I have the exact same problem so I understand(see first query). I'm not sure about the name dropping. Agent either love it or hate it. I hoped I helped in some way, shape or form.

P.S. I would suggest going to this link and reading the query there. It got a yes from QueryShark on the first go so it's worth your time.

Read ME

My 2 c.

zoed wrote:


For seventeen-year-old Shayla, the surgery changed everything. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, Shayla has to figure out who she is when she's not the sick I think you need a space here girl.

I personally like this intro, as to me this is an interesting set up, which hasn't been over done to the point of irritation in my mind.

There are also some mysterious voice messages from her absentee father to consider, and the incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name. The art class she's in by default turns out to offer an outlet for her emotions she never expected, especially when she becomes friends with talented Lilah. With the support of her new friend, Shayla starts to realize that maybe she can finally be happy; if only she can admit to herself that she deserves it, and come to terms with the fact that being sick can be more than just a state of health.

This is a huge character dump to me. I have no idea who any of these people are, or why I should care about them. I'd remove most of them, and stick to the main plot. What is the main thing we're supposed to care about? The boy? The friend? The father? Figure it out and leave it there.

SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. {Crohn's disease is an intestinal disease that is uncovered topic in YA literature despite its frequent onset during teen years and at least half a million affected individuals in North America. SICKGIRL is perfect for fans of Sara Zarr and Laurie Halse Anderson.}

I'm not sure that you need to explain what Crohn's disease is. If the agent doesn't know, he/she can look it up. Otherwise, to me this feels faintly patronizing. (Like, why wouldn't I know what it is?) I'd also leave out "this is perfect for fans of..." just because it feels as though you're telling me what to think about your book, which I, as a reader, don't particularly like. I want to make up my own mind as to whether it's perfect for me.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

{} I'm not sure if this portion should be included because of the lesser known nature of an important component of my story. I know agents have Google, but I'm concerned they'll just pass over something they don't immediately understand.

zoed wrote:
Query Try #2 (Since I got such helpful feedback the first time, now with major edits).

Dear [Agent]

[Personalization for Agent]

The surgery Specify the type of surgery--heart, skin grafts, etc. changed everything for Shayla. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, she can’t keep her eyes off of the mysterious and incredibly handsome All too mysterious disease. Give him a personality. boy in her English class- Hyphen is not a dash. Keep them straight. if only she knew his name. The talented Lilah befriends her in art class, and with the support of her new friend Shayla begins to open herself up to a life she never believed was possible.

Soon, Shayla realizes that being sick is more than just a state of health and if she wants to be happy she’ll have to take risks, starting with a first date. If that wasn’t enough to keep her busy, there’s also her absentee father who after seventeen neglectful years wants Shayla to start spending time with him- and his new pregnant wife. Shayla has to decide if she’s willing to take a gamble on friendship, love, and family. She can only hope that her Crohn’s stays in remission long enough to figure out who she is if she’s not the sickgirl. Focus on a central conflict. Is it discovering love while having Crohn's disease? What are the stakes involved and what should happen if she fails? Is there a raising of stakes or a rock and a hard place?

SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

This will sound really mean, but I've heard far more cruel things: Step back for at least a day after a critique. You are likely to miss things. I know sometimes I'm tempted to change it right after I get a critique, but I found out that I tend to dismiss comments and don't look at the deeper issues when I do a quick turn around.

I agree with the previous critiques that you're missing key ingredients--you need personality. I have no sense if I will like the main character beyond the fact she has a disease, but the disease shouldn't define who she is--I don't really care. What I care about is the conflict she will face and if she can overcome it.

Example conflicts would be, she has Crohn's disease, discovered a boy in her class, but is afraid to be treated as fragile, so she tries to hide it from him. That's a conflict I can latch onto... especially if you flesh out the guy in the next few to make him conflicted, but likable. If you add voice on top of that, it will make it special rather than run of the mill and then you probably can cinch that deal.

Answer the three questions when you rewrite it--though don't make it obvious you're doing so.

The query seems to be about Shayla learning to accept love. Try connecting everything to that - her first friend, first date, and her father coming back into her life. Help us see how they all connect in her life.

I'm not a fan of the begining. I think the query would be much stronger if you began with the second parg. Also, when I scanned the first sentance, I thought for a second that the truck was the one wearing pants.

I'd like a little more details. What you have looks interesting, but I'm not sure exactly what's going on. Why was she framed for murder? What does FMC doubt about their political underpinnings? Why is it a problem? Why can't she extricate herself?

Most importantly, what does she want? Shes exploring her beliefs, but what does she hope to accomplish and how is she trying to achieve it?

Kayth wrote:

I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy, CURSEMARKED, complete at 50,000 words.

Put this information at the end; start with your query.

Quote:Alana never used to believe that she and her siblings were cursed, despite the cursemarks on their skin and the way her birth killed their mother. But in the past seven months, they've watched four people die. Even if the deaths were all accidents, theres no explanation for the way the three siblings always manage to survive. Even her brother, who wasn't suppost to reach six months, is nineteen years old and still breathing. Lately, Alana isn't sure what to believe, but she knows they can never risk letting another person get close to them. Curse or no curse, it'll just lead to another grave.

This is vague and contradictory. Why wouldn't she believe they are cursed if they have something called "cursemarks"? You can convey all this information more directly and succinctly. Try something like:

"Alana has watched four people die in the last seven months. She'd always been told the marks on her family's skin were a curse, but she didn't believe it until now. It's enough to make her paranoid about getting close to anyone else-- they might just end up in a grave, too."

I don't know if you want to talk about how they all miraculously escape... it seems to muddle the issue and make them seem lucky rather than cursed.

Quote:
Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Iris smoothtalked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's never quite sure of anything when Iris is around. Half the time, Alana thinks she's wonderfull. The rest of the time, she can't believe that anyone that kind could actually exist. Worse, it's like she's changing into a different person – someone whio smiles for no reason and hugs complete strangers. Alana hates this new, idiotic version of herself. And when she finally confides in her sister, her memories of their day-to-day life are completely different that Alana's.

This is confusing. You seem to describe Iris as both wonderful and as "anyone that kind" but then you say that it's Alana that is being incredibly kind and out of character. Maybe:

"Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Irish smooth-talked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's not sure about most of her memories. When she talks with her sister, she discovers that their memories of their day-to-day life are completely different. Worse, Alana finds herself acting in ways she never would, losing her inhibitions about people and even hugging complete strangers."

Quote:Alana knows for a fact that Iris is behind these changes, but she still can't convince herself that it's true. And it might not matter, because the magic thats twisting their minds is also the only thing keeping her brother alive. And theres a way to save him for good – to cure both his disibility and his cursemarked skin, allowing him to live without being a constant source of fear to everyone. Alana only needs to die in his place.

After everything she's seen, it doesn't sound like a bad deal.

Again, contradictory. How can Alana both "know for a fact" it is Iris and also "can't convince herself" of that fact? What is her brother's disability? How is he a constant source of fear to people? WHY would Alana be so easily willing to die for her brother? That's a big choice to make. And what is Iris' motivation in these things?

All of these things are the core of your plot, and you are throwing them in as a random side note at the end. I would try to combine your first two paragraphs, setting up the curse and Iris' presence, and try to present more of your plot-critical information after that.

zoed wrote:
Trying again a few days later! Would definitely appreciate comments on the revised version, this is a completely new experience for me and I definitely want to make my query as good as possible.

Dear [Agent],

[Personalization for Agent]

After years of chronic pain from Crohn’s disease, a bowel resection gives Shayla her first shot at a normal teenage life. A sarcastic and creative girl Don't tell us she's a strong, creative girl, show us. , Shayla soon finds unexpected pleasure in her art class, encouraged by an unconventional teacher who tells her to enjoy the process rather than worry about the end result. This has nothing to do with the rest of your query, why is it here? The joy of being in remission is tampered by the fact that while Shayla is ready to experience the world, she has nobody to do it with.

Shayla doesn’t lack opportunities for companionship, she just has to decide if she is ready to take the risk: ready to go on a first date with the geeky but adorable Travis, ready to swap secrets with the artistic and quietly rebelling Lilah, and maybe even ready to let her father back into her life. However, nobody is satisfied with the tiny sliver of herself Shayla is willing to share, and she’s faced with either giving more of herself to others or deciding that her disease and its constantly looming threat of relapse means she’s better off alone.

Every step Shayla takes towards more intimate relationships with the people in her life opens her up to more potential hurt, and for a girl who has spent so many years in pain, <-- comma learning to accept love may be her biggest trial yet.

SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

This is miles better from your first query, but I still find it dull. As I read this there's nothing that makes me want to crack open your book and find out more about Shayla. There doesn't seem to be a major plot besides Shayla getting over her fears. The voice is the most important thing and it's just not shining through here.

My advice: Read more query's, analyze the way they're formatted and try to copy it. Like I said before, go to this link: YA Query and analyze it then try to copy the format. If it got a yes from Query Shark then it's worth the effort.

You might want to check this one out as well : YA Query

Cruise around Query Sharks blog and see what she's saying. It helps a lot, in my opinion.

I don't know if I can comment much on the query itself; this isn't a genre I'm very familiar with. I suspect it's a bit too wordy; you could probably cut out the first paragraph altogether. Read the examples on QueryShark if you haven't yet already.

I do have two main thoughts, though:
First, make sure you do a thorough spelling/grammar check. There are numerous typos and errors in this query as-is:
-A secret Marxist
-societies' best
-sabotage rival candidates' campaigns
-weight on his shoulders
-I think it's the daily obituaries, not obituary

The second has to do with your MC's name. I haven't run across 'Ciannon' as a name before and I honestly keep reading it as "Cinnamon" by accident. This may not be a huge issue, but it is something to think about, especially if it's an otherwise fairly realistic setting.

First time commenting on a query but I really appreciated your help so hopefully I can reciprocate a bit.

I completely agree with the other commenter, cut the first paragraph and see how much more powerful it sounds! Plus, it doesn't make sense to me anyway, if his parents are poor, how are they his hope for a better life? I would just start with his parents being killed. Maybe something like

When Ciannon Delany's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he flees to the only safe haven left: the home of his donor father, a wealthy man and head of the most controversial organization on Stat-9, the Marxis.

Also, this may be my own ignorance of the genre/the world, but is the reader supposed to know what Stat-9 is? Because I have absolutely no idea what it is, if it's a location? It makes me feel like this is a sci-fi or something but then I see it's a thriller. If the location is irrelevant (and not outer space) I would leave it out and simply say "the controversial organization the Marxis" instead. From what I've gathered, words are precious in a query and no point of wasting them with unnecessary info.

Plus, it seems his parents are the jumping off point for the story so you don't need any background on them if they are simply the catalyst for your novel, focus on the real excitement instead.

Also, "tea boy to coffee boy"– when is he tea boy? I'm confused by this statement.

Lastly, "Ciannon feels the wait on his shoulders as the bullets start to fly and everyone involved with the mission starts disappearing under mysterious circumstances." feels like too many cliches to me, bullets start to fly, mysterious circumstances, it kinda ends your query on what feels like an unoriginal note for an original story.

keriamon wrote:
I have gotten good advice here before, so here's a new query for a new book. Where I'm having the most trouble is that the book is set in two parts, twenty years apart. The MC of the first part is Jakub. The MC of the second is his son, Samuel. I'm not exactly sure how to handle that in the query letter.


Sir Jakub just passed his fortieth birthday and is facing the thoroughly-depressing thought that he is going to have to retire from fighting. His knees just aren’t what they once were. Doesn't tell me anything about the character that hooks interest.

Then, while out on a hunt, he stumbles upon a young woman lost in the forest and suddenly his boring, pointless future doesn’t look so bleak after all.See the advice in the post above about a Quick Guide to Query letters, do not start with how boring everything is--tell us why it's interesting. An ordinary character in an ordinary world doesn't give us conflict. Boring is not a conflict (to loosely quote an agent I can't remember the name of.) But his plans for a marriage proposalWhat marriage proposal? We don't know who she is yet or that they dated at all. are dashed when he escorts Alzbeta home and discovers her secret: she’s a Jew.

A message from Alzbeta’s father months later, however, stirs him to action once again. The Jews of Prague stand accused of desecrating the Host and they are being burned alive in the city square. Jakub must quickly decide if he will ride to Alzbeta’s rescue or give her up for good.

Twenty years later, Jakub and Alzbeta’s son, Samuel, is reaping the comfortable, secure life they’ve given him. With Alzbeta and Samuel’s new wife both pregnant at the same time, the family can’t be any happier.

But, without warning, they are publicly denounced as Jews and Samuel and Jakub find themselves rushing to save the entire family from death as the flames of Prague threaten to collect the victims denied to them twenty years before.


THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a historic romance of approximately 75,000 words. Better wording is THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a 75,000-word historical romance. Short and sweet.

This sounds more like a synopsis rather than a back book cover. You need a blurb that answers the 3 questions+ why we want to read it and the voice of the book in the query. Read the references in the post and come back.

Erecura wrote:
I guess I'll post mine.

Dear [insert name],

Tortured and held prisoner in the basement of the mansion of the President of Tanzania after a failed assassination attempt, Zoë Elliot finds trusting anybody hard. With a daughter who she has never known growing up in America and a group of rebels to lead she is torn between two choices: leave her group of rebels and return to America, or stay in Tanzania and never see her daughter. These sentences are way too long and have too muchh going on. Shorten them by taking out unnecessary detail like "mansion of the President of Tanzania " and see how much stronger it sounds. You probably could have said all of this in less words.

Twenty-five years later nineteen year old Reyna Larnstrom ventures with a group of Peace Corps volunteers into the village that Zoë has created. Along with five other young adults, Reyna is unaware of the village's history.What history? I'm completely lost here. Too vague As she delves deeper into the past she begins to understand Zoë's secretive behavior and begin to figure out what happened twenty-five years ago. This makes it sound like all of Zoe's hiding was for nothing if Reyna could figure it out so easily.

Your story starts here When a group of government soldiers raid the village, all of Zoë's attempts to hide are lost. Forced to escape with Reyna, she stumbles into the grasslands, wounded, devastated, and unsure who told the government about the plot....What plot? What are you talking about? Plot as in plan or plot as in land? Living in the wild and hopelessly stranded from civilization Zoë must decide whether to tell Reyna the truth about the village and exactly what happened that fateful night twenty-five years ago. Reading this sentence doesn't make me feel like an exciting tell of murder, mystery, and adventure is about to happen. Makes me think Zoe and Reyna are going on an extended camping trip for 300+ pages with no plot in sight. Wait did I just reference Harry Potter?

GAMES OF DECEPTION is a 75,000 Mystery/Conspiracy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[name]

Looking at this, it's easy to see that there is no real plot being shone. You have a dramatic secret, but that's about it. The government soldiers was interesting, but that was ruined by the following sentences.

Also, who is the main character? I can't decide if it's Zoe or Reyna. My advice: Choose one person and stick to them. Get inside their head and find their motivation, their reason for doing everything. Then, take the most important reason and base your query around. My obvious choice would be Zoe. Get inside her head and figure out why she does what she does for Reyna. Then come back and write your query, Before you do so check out Query Shark's blog.

http://www.queryshark.blogspot.com/

Hope I made a little of sense.

Good luck.

Erecura wrote:
I guess I'll post mine.

Dear [insert name],

Tortured and held prisoner in the basement of the mansion of the President of Tanzania after a failed assassination attempt, Descriptor is too long try reversing the sentence. Such as Zoë Elliot finds trusting anyone hard after she is... etc. Zoë Elliot finds trusting anybody hard. With a daughter who she has never known growing up in America and a group of rebels to lead she is torn between two choices: leave her group of rebels and return to America, or stay in Tanzania and never see her daughter.Stakes go at the end. And don't make them obvious. It's clunky. First paragraph should have the initial conflict and who the character is.

Twenty-five years later nineteen year old Compound adjectives get hyphens. Reyna Larnstrom ventures with a group of Peace Corps volunteers into the village that Zoë has created. Along with five other young adults, Reyna is unaware of the village's history. As she delves deeper into the past she begins to understand Zoë's secretive behavior and begin to figure out what happened twenty-five years ago. Too vague.

When a group of government soldiers raid the village, all of Zoë's attempts to hide are lost. Forced to escape with Reyna, she stumbles into the grasslands, wounded, devastated, and unsure who told the government about the plot. Listy Living in the wild and hopelessly stranded from civilization Zoë must decide whether to tell Reyna the truth about the village and exactly what happened that fateful night twenty-five years ago.Stakes are unclear

GAMES OF DECEPTION is a 75,000 Mystery/Conspiracy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[name]

If I had editing power over my post above me, I think I would add more about the basic formatting of a query.

Should roughly be:

Hook sentence. Character and setting introduction (though not clunky) with basic conflict.

Next paragraph is What the character intends to do about it.

After that, the stakes involved and why both choices are hard on the character.

If you can weave in the voice of either the character or the story without first person, you are gold. (Also avoid the common mistakes.)

After that, you can go to Query Hell and feel your heart being ripped asunder from your body on Absolute Write, which is kinda fun... 'cause that also makes you question your story and force you to make it better. =P If Nanowrimoers from last year are here, they'll back me up on this. They certainly in the section of the website make me look like a total coddling mother. (Good critiquers are hard to come by, so I love it.) Quicklime is particularly good at it.

A couple things, I didn't really mind the name Ciannon but I definitely feel you have to fix Marxis if you don't mean Marxist cause that is confusing.

Also, the parts about "he can't ignore" and "nor can he ignore" seem redundant and wordy, as well as pretty passive. I would try phrasing it as, Jack begins noticing a strange link between recent murders and his parents death. So that Jack is actually doing something.

I'm also really confused by the introduction of Farrah- why is she important? That's not clear.

I do love the last line, but I would add "his own obituary makes the headlines." I think that's an awesome and intense ending, but you just need to pump up the excitement in the rest of the query. I mean, he's running around getting tea for the first paragraph really, and then in the second there's a bunch of murders- but what exactly is Jack DOING is what I think needs to be clearer.

While it still needs more of your personality/voice in it (Funny to be saying that to you after my own query!) I think that you've done a much better job at getting to the bones of the story since you can't include everything in a query.

Oh, side note: ", he is given a choice: a life of running and hiding with no food, no shelter, or join the controversial organization, Marxis, and discover the real reason for his parent's death. With nothing left to lose, he accepts." That doesn't really sound like much of a choice to me, umm basically die or join the organization, unless you show why the organization is so controversial, for example if he is going to be responsible for killing puppies, then I could understand why the decision is difficult, but as it is when you say he accepts I sorta thought "duh".

Still the same comment about the Marxis v Marxist. I still heavily favor changing it. By count, that's three people who have said that to you...

The first paragraph seems rushed and muddled. Who is the character and what does he want?

The second paragraph should run something like: What will the character do to get it? (Shouldn't be what is happening *to* him, but how he will effect change.)

The third one runs into the stakes involved.

Then you weave into it: What makes the book special?

Once you get that, then you can weave in the voice of the query.

I'd step back from it say, for a few days or a week and get your subconscious to work on it for you, come back and then rewrite it. Breathing room is always needed.

Where is the rock and the hard place?

Where is the hard choice? If she *doesn't* open up, then what? Will she lose Travis? That's not so clear because you said Travid won't give up on her in the previous sentences. If she *does* open up, what is she risking? She doesn't seem to be risking anything in that case.

I hope that clarifies what I mean by stakes...

I think this would work well for a logline - my only complaints are that I had to reread the first sentance before I understood it, and I'm not sure what a geas is. For a query, though, you should expand on the plot more to show your MC's personality, what she hopes to accomplish, and what will happen if she doesn't. The ideal length is around three paragraphs.

The title made me laugh :)

Sorry, my computers formating is weird so I can't put my critique in bold.

Dear [Editor]: (most editors don't accept queries. I'd recommend trying to find a literary agent)

Good evening. Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Tami. I am a Nevada native, with a deep love of the Silver State. I am a writer and published poet looking for a book publisher. It is my hope that you are that publisher. Now for a brief bit about myself: (You don't have to include your name (its at the bottom of the letter) or where your from, and its assumed that if your writing, you want a book published. This paragraph should be deleated.)

I began seriously writing when I was thirteen. In the beginning I wrote simply for my own enjoyment, and because I had a burning need to write. When I turned nineteen I began writing with publication in mind. I attended a correspondence course on writing for children. While the course gave me great insight into what the children’s publishing market is looking for, it showed me that writing for children is not my real passion. I write for the not so average adult reader, which kind of makes me a round peg in a square hole. I love to tell a story, but most of all I love to tell a romantic story. And so for the last thirteen years I have been putting my talent to use. I have been a fact checker for InMediaRes, LLC since 2006. I am a lifetime member of the Poets’ Inner Circle. (none of this is important to your book.)

Dark Thirst, which is the book I am proposing to send to you, is a romantic novel about two vampires that have denied their feelings for hundreds years. The manuscript is written, however, I am not opposed to revisions, should they make the story sell well. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. (They already know that your going to revise and that your going to do what you think is best for the story – that's what every author does. You don't need to – and shouldn't – state it.)

Dark Thirst runs roughly 108,000 words in length, and runs 350 pages. (You don't need the number of pages. Also, this can be simplified into one sentence at the beginning or end of the query: My novel, DARK THIRST, is a 108,000 word romantic fantasy. Also, I don't have much experience in the adult market, but this seems on the long side.) There are some descriptive erotic scenes and a couple of violent ones. The overall premise of the manuscript is fierce determination, romance between Stefan and Tiffany the main characters, and a desire to protect. It is true that this manuscript does not fit any set mold, and while it may not seem like a wise business venture to publish a story that breaks a mold, I believe it is quite reasonable. In the publishing world, the old standbys will sell well. However, it is also possible for a new and exciting story to sell just as well. Fresh ideas are what I am trying to promote with this book. (Don't point out that it might not be a wise business venture – convince them that it is by telling a spectacular story! And don't try to tell them about the publishing business – its their job to know much more about it than most authors do. If it's true, the agent already knows it.)

If you are interested in giving this manuscript a chance, I would be happy to send it along for review and consideration. I understand that you are quite busy and that you receive submissions every day, and therefore appreciate your time. (Simplify to “Thank you for reading my query”.)


Regards,

Tami Elder

This doesn't tell us anything about what your book is about. Include a three paragraph synopsis – similar to the front flap of a book – showing us who your protagonist is and what s/he wants. I recommend clicking on the links that some of the other authors posted in the forum, then rewriting your query and posting it for another critique.

Kalisto_Barques wrote:
This is a query letter that I wrote for a novel I've finished. I'm not one hindred percent pleased with it, but I'm not sure what's wrong. Any feedback would be very helpful.

Dear [Editor]:

Good evening. Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Tami. I am a Nevada native, with a deep love of the Silver State. I am a writer and published poet looking for a book publisher. It is my hope that you are that publisher. Now for a brief bit about myself:

I began seriously writing when I was thirteen. In the beginning I wrote simply for my own enjoyment, and because I had a burning need to write. When I turned nineteen I began writing with publication in mind. I attended a correspondence course on writing for children. While the course gave me great insight into what the children’s publishing market is looking for, it showed me that writing for children is not my real passion. I write for the not so average adult reader, which kind of makes me a round peg in a square hole. I love to tell a story, but most of all I love to tell a romantic story. And so for the last thirteen years I have been putting my talent to use. I have been a fact checker for InMediaRes, LLC since 2006. I am a lifetime member of the Poets’ Inner Circle. All of this is irrelevant. This will sound harsh, but the agent wont care about you as a person. They don't care to know how long you've been writing of why. What they want to know is the story.

Dark Thirst, which is the book I am proposing to send to you, is a romantic novel about two vampires that have denied their feelings for hundreds years. The manuscript is written, however, I am not opposed to revisions, should they make the story sell well. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. This tells me nothing about your story. "Romantic novel between two vampires" is not enticing. You need to start with the characters and tell me what they want and why they want it. Otherwise I have no idea what you're talking about. Also, revisions are going to happen whether you like it or not. Unless you're J.K. Rowling some editor is going to hack away at your manuscript and you'll have to deal. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. Saying this makes it seem like you're not mature and you'd be resistant to story changes, which not what an agent wants. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. You've stated this a billion times. No need to add on to it. And of course you think the agent would be a good fit. That's why you're querying them.

Dark Thirst runs roughly 108,000 words in length, and runs 350 pages. This goes at the very end of your query and page numer is not necessary. What page count you have in your word processor is most likely not going to be the final product. There are some descriptive erotic scenes and a couple of violent ones. The overall premise of the manuscript is fierce determination, romance between Stefan and Tiffany the main characters, and a desire to protect. ...This shows me absolutely nothing. I have no idea what you're novel is about. It is true that this manuscript does not fit any set mold, and while it may not seem like a wise business venture to publish a story that breaks a mold, I believe it is quite reasonable. Don't say this! You want your book to appear as the best deal ever, not like a huge risk. The agent would probably be sweating right now(If he hasn't thrown it away... In the publishing world, the old standbys will sell well. However, it is also possible for a new and exciting story to sell just as well. Fresh ideas are what I am trying to promote with this book. There is no such thing as fresh ideas. I can guarantee that the agent has already seen this story idea five different times.

If you are interested in giving this manuscript a chance, I would be happy to send it along for review and consideration. I understand that you are quite busy and that you receive submissions every day, and therefore appreciate your time. Thank you for your time.


Regards,

Tami Elder

Reading this, I see that you've approached the idea of query writing from the ccompletely wrong persepctive. You're looking at it as if it were a business deal and that if you make yourself friendly and personable the agent will like you. This does not work. Agents only care about one thing, and that's selling your story.

My advice would be to read Kimberly Dawn's post at the beginning of the forum and see how to write a query. Then stop by Query Shark and see how I real agent devours her victims. Pick any of the queries on her blog that have recieved a yes and try to model yours after it.

http://www.queryshark.blogspot.com/