Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Dragonchilde — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:29:52 -0500

One of the toughest part of getting your novel is the query letter; it's your handshake, your window, your only hope of getting your precious prose looked at by a publisher or an agent. So let's use this thread to help folks polish their query letters. Post your letter here, and someone will help. Just remember to reciprocate... taking and not giving isn't fair. ;) Please note that additional threads created for query letters will be closed, and referred to THIS thread.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:28:53 -0600

I guess I'll get the ball rolling. :) Dear [Insert Name Here] Dead bodies are clogging the streets of Stateside. Lower classed citizens scrounge the streets for meager scraps to eat and the last patch of green land was sold in 2102. With a rapid increase in population, the Stateside officials decide to enact an unused law, Protocol Sancei: incase of overpopulation, eliminate. Citizens who don't contribute to society are now struck down in their homes, their lives worth nothing. Ciannon, a budding young musician, is in a constant fight or his life. With thousands of teens also training to be musicians, he fights for the right to live. Working at Everander's, a high-class restaurant bordering on prostitution, he comes into contact with Emily Bronx, presidential candidate and Ciannon's personal stalker. Rejecting her latest advances, he finds his family name on the Elimination list. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Watching both of his mothers die, Ciannon flees to his only known relative: his donor father, head of Marxis, a secret organization dedicated to overthrowing Stateside government. Thrown into the role of secretary for presidential candidate Liam Wentworth, a secret Marxis, he's dragged into a power struggle that will decide the future of Stateside. REBEL is a 90,000 word thriller that explores a world in which a right to life is only measured in usefulness. Thank you for your time, [My Name] Well, have at!

QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:33:50 -0600

Before you Query  1. FINISH YOUR NOVEL. YES, THAT INCLUDES EDITS.  2. Read critiques of other queries:  http://queryshark.blogspot.com/  http://misssnark.blogspot.com/search/label/Crapometer-hooks  http://misssnark.blogspot.com/search/label/crapometer-cover%20letters  http://evileditor.blogspot.com/  3. I think I'll borrow from Katie Mac of Absolute Write Answer these questions when you do the query: * What does your protagonist want? * What does s/he have to do to get it?  * What happens if s/he fails to get what s/he wants?  4. Answer: Why is your book special compared to other books like it. 5. Remember that the format of a Query letter is basically character-conflict-complication.  6. You can find alternative places to get a query critique at Critique Circle http://www.critiquecircle.com and the Absolute Write Forums: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/ Absolute Write takes publishing seriously, so don't expect mercy from them. (Go to Share Your Work after signing up). However, they have excellent resources as well as successful queries. DO NOT put in the following things: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/ Common mistakes include:  - Not finishing editing your novel first. FINISH IT. That means all polished and shiny. Lots can change in edits.  - Failing to research the agent. (For example sending a Fantasy query to an agent that only handles mysteries.)  - Not putting a specific name in a query. Always research a name. Google is your friend and it will impress people.  - Hello, this is a Nanowrimo. [Equivalent to, let's put this in the slush pile/trash]  - Not looking up basic guidelines for a critique letter. First.  - Putting bloody critique letter up without editing it for grammar first.  - Putting up a letter that is too long.  - Putting up a critique letter that has no connecting points to the plot.  - Rhetorical questions.  - Making it sound like a movie trailer.  - Putting in the Question "What if.  - Starting off with how ordinary the character is.  - Having no clear conflict.  - Focusing not on the main conflict/putting in too much of the subplots.  - Missing any sense of who the character is.  - Confusing which genre it is from what is written in the last few lines.  - Putting local magazines, college newspapers, half a degree, or a life story on the author's byline.  - Confusing a Query with a Synopsis. (Not the same beast)  - Missing the answer integrated into the query: Why would I read this?  - Putting too many names/terms in. (3-4 should be good, more and the brain overloads)  - The worst is when the query makes it seem like the book isn't well researched.... and then you have a dead manuscript on your hands.  - Not reading other people's critiqued queries. I'm serious. Read other people's critiqued queries before posting your own.  - Lists. Do not list. It distances us from the character, whom we should connect to. Listing events makes me care less because it doesn't tell how the character is invested in those events.  - Telling, lots of telling. My novel is X and it's fancy and you should like it because I spent a lot of time on it and you should think it's magical and the BEST NOVEL 3VAR. KISS it to format. [title] is a #-word [genre] novel. (period. That's it.)  - Not following format.  - And in case anyone is tempted... Exclamation marks--no. Optional Additions: - Some agents like the how did you know about them or works that they read. Others do not. That goes first paragraph, though it may change to the end with some agents. - Some agents have a gripe against the "I look forward to hearing from you." (Janet Reid) - Some agents like attachments, some don't. Read their guidelines. - Check Query tracker and Agent Query BEFORE trying to get an agent and also check Absolute Write on the kind of agent they are. Do they run scams? What sales have they made in the last year? - Only thing that goes in an optional author byline is something related to the story you did professionally (as in you can put it on a professional resumé), have a degree that is directly related to the subject of the book (Criminology if you are writing mystery), or you have pro-rated (as in you got Pro rate pay) magazine publishing. University presses where you were a student, HS, etc do not count. Do not mention MFAs. Literary agents hate you guys. ^.~ Query Letter format (Taken from Writer's Market, may vary by agent): No tabs. This is a business letter. Treat it like a business letter. You can find details on business letter formatting through the internet.  Left justify:  [date] (return twice)  person's name  person's address  person's phone #  person's e-mail  (return twice)[for snail mail. Some agents still do snail mail ONLY or you have a better chance if you do.] Dear [form of address][surname], [How you met said agent... if you didn't leave this out. Some agents prefer this with the novel info.] [Your hook, which does not exceed 3 paragraphs or make the query letter 2 pages.] [Why you are qualified... unless you have some short stories published, or if you have a related degree in the field, leave this area blank. This is not the place for your autobiography! That comes later.] [Title] is a [#] word [genre]. [Any inclusions or attachments?] [What you'd like done with the manuscript. Return or dispose?] Thank you for considering my novel. I look forward to hearing from you.  Sincerely, (return twice, don't forget to put your signature here. I've done this a few times...)  [your name]  your address  your phone #  your e-mail  (returned twice) Encl: Manuscript and SASE (Don't forget them!) [If by mail] In another words, Query letters are difficult, but they aren't impossible. Dummy Query Letter (since some people are more visual): Click Me

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

creatorx2 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:00:12 -0600

Dear [surname], Travel is an eighteen-year-old girl thrust into the outskirts of a thirty-year-old conflict on an island country separate from the world as we know it. No more children are being born in this dystopian fantasy landscape, and the dead rise for the sole purpose of destroying the living, all due to the constant curse of an omnipotent cross-dimensional Demon inadvertently trapped in this land several decades ago by a group of inexperienced sorcerers. In order to survive, and ultimately destroy the Demon, Travel must make uneasy friendships with a violent, unpredictable warrior, a werewolf struggling with his own balance of warmth and despicability, and a wildcat whose human sentience may be linked directly to the Demon's influence. Travel's journey forces her to confront aspects about herself that she may not be comfortable with, warping her own sense of mortality, ethics, and cosmic scale. While dozens of other humans struggling to exist in this violent world will have a huge effect on the final outcome, at the end it will all rely on the decisions that a single girl on the cusp of adulthood must make. [qualifications] "Puppets" is a 75000 word Fantasy novel. There is a basic map of the routes of the various characters, attached. Return of the manuscript is not necessary. Thank you for considering my novel; I look forward to hearing from you.  Sincerely, [signature]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Learned — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:29:39 -0600

Any help would be appreciated! Obviously I'm far away from my final edit, but you can use the query letter in the search for fellow nanowrimo critiquers... Dear {Person}, {Agent specific paragraph} Set in England at the dawn of the first millennium A.D., The Lady of Shalott is the story of a young man who encounters a legendary woman living in an invisible tower. But every legend has a grain of fact … The book combines sci-fi and historical fiction, lending a modern twist to the classic Tennyson poem and a literary flavor to the teen paranormal romance genre. It takes the perspective of Arthur, a Celtic boy living with his family in Saxon England, just before the Norman Conquest of 1066. After a chance encounter, he strikes up a rare friendship with The Lady of Shalott. Known throughout the region for her lovely disembodied voice, she has never been seen by human eyes, despite the best efforts of search parties commissioned by powerful kings. Arthur learns that the Lady is related to his namesake, King Arthur. Furthermore, he realizes that the powerful half-human figures of King Arthur and Merlin are not magical wizards, but instead visitors from space, part of an ancient race that has used advanced technology to manipulate human history for thousands of years. As the country descends into madness and war, Arthur falls in love with the Lady of Shalott and risks everything to save her if he can. {Qualifications} Sincerely yours, Learned

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

NikoleStorm — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:53:52 -0600

Dear Ms. Blank: I read on (website) that your agency was highly recommended. I also read that your company is interested in young adult fiction novels. I think that you may be interested in my book Betrayal. It is fifty one thousand words long. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript for my book and consider representing me. Sixteen year old Nikole Smith’s life has been an unstable mess constantly moving from town to town, that is until she arrives in the small town of Ripley, West Virginia. Just when she and her father start settling down she starts to notice strange things. While running from creatures she would have never thought existed she continues crossing paths with a mysterious handsome gypsy who seems to know dark secrets of her family’s past. All the while she’s oblivious to the fact that a grim future lies ahead for her and those around her. Betrayal shows us a girl who goes through many things. Even in the worst situations trying to keep her family happy. Whether it be lycans or vampires, Nikole triumphs over most, being courageous until something she would have never imagined happens and turns her outlook on everything completely around. I am twenty and Betrayal is my first book, although I have been writing since I was about thirteen. There is another book to follow this that I am currently writing and it is undecided whether there will be a third. I also have a couple of books in the making on different topics. I would be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I hope to be hearing from you. My best regards, N. Storm Nichols

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:21:27 -0600

Hi! I tend to be concise so I'm curious if this is too short, too boring, too vague, or any other comments. Thanks. Dear [Agent] [Personalization for Agent] For seventeen-year-old Shayla, the surgery changed everything. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, Shayla has to figure out who she is when she's not the sickgirl. There are also some mysterious voice messages from her absentee father to consider, and the incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name. The art class she's in by default turns out to offer an outlet for her emotions she never expected, especially when she becomes friends with talented Lilah. With the support of her new friend, Shayla starts to realize that maybe she can finally be happy; if only she can admit to herself that she deserves it, and come to terms with the fact that being sick can be more than just a state of health. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. {Crohn's disease is an intestinal disease that is uncovered topic in YA literature despite its frequent onset during teen years and at least half a million affected individuals in North America. SICKGIRL is perfect for fans of Sara Zarr and Laurie Halse Anderson.} Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] {} I'm not sure if this portion should be included because of the lesser known nature of an important component of my story. I know agents have Google, but I'm concerned they'll just pass over something they don't immediately understand.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:44:36 -0600

Query Try #2 (Since I got such helpful feedback the first time, now with major edits). Dear [Agent] [Personalization for Agent] The surgery changed everything for Shayla. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, she can’t keep her eyes off of the mysterious and incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name. The talented Lilah befriends her in art class, and with the support of her new friend Shayla begins to open herself up to a life she never believed was possible. Soon, Shayla realizes that being sick is more than just a state of health and if she wants to be happy she’ll have to take risks, starting with a first date. If that wasn’t enough to keep her busy, there’s also her absentee father who after seventeen neglectful years wants Shayla to start spending time with him- and his new pregnant wife. Shayla has to decide if she’s willing to take a gamble on friendship, love, and family. She can only hope that her Crohn’s stays in remission long enough to figure out who she is if she’s not the sickgirl. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Geolie — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:37:47 -0600

Dear [Name], In 1975, the little girl was handed a truck, dressed in pants and told she could be anything she wanted. In 2011, looking resentfully down at her briefcase, she wonders where it all went wrong. Attorney and newly-remarried mother Khet Chambers is stressed, overwhelmed, and angry at being brought up to believe in the “super woman” myth. Suddenly laid off, and filled with a deep sense of failure, she seeks distraction with an eclectic group of like-minded women in an exclusive gardening club. While initially confused by the group’s 1950’s era values, in time it is the more secretive of the club’s activities that cause her to question the club's true political underpinnings. Unable to extricate herself when a member is suddenly named as a defendant in a murder trial, she is forced to explore not only her own faltering truths regarding post-feminism gender roles, but her beliefs about happiness and life fulfillment as well. THE GARDEN CLUB is literary fiction, complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:38:01 -0600

The second and third pargs seem to be on the vague side, but I'm having trouble clarifying them. Thanks in advance to anyone who critiques! Dear (Agent Name), I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy, CURSEMARKED, complete at 50,000 words. Alana never used to believe that she and her siblings were cursed, despite the cursemarks on their skin and the way her birth killed their mother. But in the past seven months, they've watched four people die. Even if the deaths were all accidents, theres no explanation for the way the three siblings always manage to survive. Even her brother, who wasn't suppost to reach six months, is nineteen years old and still breathing. Lately, Alana isn't sure what to believe, but she knows they can never risk letting another person get close to them. Curse or no curse, it'll just lead to another grave. Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Iris smoothtalked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's never quite sure of anything when Iris is around. Half the time, Alana thinks she's wonderfull. The rest of the time, she can't believe that anyone that kind could actually exist. Worse, it's like she's changing into a different person – someone whio smiles for no reason and hugs complete strangers. Alana hates this new, idiotic version of herself. And when she finally confides in her sister, her memories of their day-to-day life are completely different that Alana's. Alana knows for a fact that Iris is behind these changes, but she still can't convince herself that it's true. And it might not matter, because the magic thats twisting their minds is also the only thing keeping her brother alive. And theres a way to save him for good – to cure both his disibility and his cursemarked skin, allowing him to live without being a constant source of fear to everyone. Alana only needs to die in his place. After everything she's seen, it doesn't sound like a bad deal.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:59:05 -0600

Trying again a few days later! Would definitely appreciate comments on the revised version, this is a completely new experience for me and I definitely want to make my query as good as possible. Dear [Agent], [Personalization for Agent] After years of chronic pain from Crohn’s disease, a bowel resection gives Shayla her first shot at a normal teenage life. A sarcastic and creative girl, Shayla soon finds unexpected pleasure in her art class, encouraged by an unconventional teacher who tells her to enjoy the process rather than worry about the end result. The joy of being in remission is tampered by the fact that while Shayla is ready to experience the world, she has nobody to do it with. Shayla doesn’t lack opportunities for companionship, she just has to decide if she is ready to take the risk: ready to go on a first date with the geeky but adorable Travis, ready to swap secrets with the artistic and quietly rebelling Lilah, and maybe even ready to let her father back into her life. However, nobody is satisfied with the tiny sliver of herself Shayla is willing to share, and she’s faced with either giving more of herself to others or deciding that her disease and its constantly looming threat of relapse means she’s better off alone. Every step Shayla takes towards more intimate relationships with the people in her life opens her up to more potential hurt, and for a girl who has spent so many years in pain learning to accept love may be her biggest trial yet. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:48:56 -0600

I guess it's time to post Query V. 2.0 of the first one. I decided to go with a completely different route than me first one, but I'm not sure if it's any better. Dear [Insert name here], Ciannon Delany has always dreamed of becoming rich and successful, but when your parents are unemployed and you have to make ends meet by working at the local restaurant-disguised-brothel, success is hard to come by. Especially in a world where the rich get richer and the poor are routinely "eliminated" by the government. When his parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, Ciannon realizes that all hope for a better life is gone and flees to the only safe haven left: the home of his donor father, a wealthy man and head of the most controversial organization on Stat-9, the Marxis. Pressed into the role of secretary to Presidential Candidate Liam Wentworth, a secret Marxis, Ciannon now spends his days writing notes and running lunch orders to five different locations. Someone should have told him that living amongst societies best was more work than play. And then he gets his first real assignment: Infiltrate the current President's Cabinet. From teaboy to coffee boy, Ciannon is expected to spy on the President, find the National Elimination List, sabotage rival candidates campaign, and serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream. Ciannon feels the wait on his shoulders as the bullets start to fly and everyone involved with the mission starts disappearing under mysterious circumstances. He needs to find out the Government's plan and expose it to the public before his name ends up in the daily obituary. REBEL is a 90,000 word thriller. Thank you for your time, [Insert my name here] Please let me know what you think. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 15:55:04 -0600

I have gotten good advice here before, so here's a new query for a new book. Where I'm having the most trouble is that the book is set in two parts, twenty years apart. The MC of the first part is Jakub. The MC of the second is his son, Samuel. I'm not exactly sure how to handle that in the query letter. Sir Jakub just passed his fortieth birthday and is facing the thoroughly-depressing thought that he is going to have to retire from fighting. His knees just aren’t what they once were. Then, while out on a hunt, he stumbles upon a young woman lost in the forest and suddenly his boring, pointless future doesn’t look so bleak after all. But his plans for a marriage proposal are dashed when he escorts Alzbeta home and discovers her secret: she’s a Jew. A message from Alzbeta’s father months later, however, stirs him to action once again. The Jews of Prague stand accused of desecrating the Host and they are being burned alive in the city square. Jakub must quickly decide if he will ride to Alzbeta’s rescue or give her up for good. Twenty years later, Jakub and Alzbeta’s son, Samuel, is reaping the comfortable, secure life they’ve given him. With Alzbeta and Samuel’s new wife both pregnant at the same time, the family can’t be any happier. But, without warning, they are publicly denounced as Jews and Samuel and Jakub find themselves rushing to save the entire family from death as the flames of Prague threaten to collect the victims denied to them twenty years before. THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a historic romance of approximately 75,000 words.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:03:09 -0600

It's a little on the long side (though they're short pargs so it might not be a problem) but it was really interesting. I'd definately read this book. However, the second half of the query killed the tension in the first half. Considering they have a son and are living together 20 years later, I'm assuming that he decided to save her, and obviously it turned out fine in the end. My only sugestion is to write it in a such a way that we're not sure if he saved her of if she escaped on her own and raised their son alone.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Erecura — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 21:55:40 -0600

I guess I'll post mine. Dear [insert name], Tortured and held prisoner in the basement of the mansion of the President of Tanzania after a failed assassination attempt, Zoë Elliot finds trusting anybody hard. With a daughter who she has never known growing up in America and a group of rebels to lead she is torn between two choices: leave her group of rebels and return to America, or stay in Tanzania and never see her daughter. Twenty-five years later nineteen year old Reyna Larnstrom ventures with a group of Peace Corps volunteers into the village that Zoë has created. Along with five other young adults, Reyna is unaware of the village's history. As she delves deeper into the past she begins to understand Zoë's secretive behavior and begin to figure out what happened twenty-five years ago. When a group of government soldiers raid the village, all of Zoë's attempts to hide are lost. Forced to escape with Reyna, she stumbles into the grasslands, wounded, devastated, and unsure who told the government about the plot. Living in the wild and hopelessly stranded from civilization Zoë must decide whether to tell Reyna the truth about the village and exactly what happened that fateful night twenty-five years ago. GAMES OF DECEPTION is a 75,000 Mystery/Conspiracy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration, [name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:20:56 -0600

Stupid format thingy went wrong. :/

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:42:09 -0600

Okay. Version 3.0 of Rebel. I renamed Ciannon. Dear [Insert name here] After Jack's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he is given a choice: a life of running and hiding with no food, no shelter, or join the controversial organization, Marxis, and discover the real reason for his parent's death. With nothing left to lose, he accepts. But the life of a secret agent isn't what he thought it was. Instead of uncovering the truth about his parent's violent death, Jack now spends his days writing notes and running tea orders to five different locations. And then he gets his first real assignment: Infiltrate the current President's Cabinet. But the killings start again, and Jack can't ignore the strange link between recent murders and his parents death. Nor can he ignore the disappearances of several colleagues, including sweet-talking Farrah, a young spy with nothing to gain and all to lose. Jack needs to identify the Government's plan before his obituary makes headlines. Thank you for your time, [My Name] I hacked away most of it. To the point where I now feel it's extremely dull. Thought, opinions?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:44:16 -0600

Just wondering if this works better as a final paragraph (makes the stakes clearer): Normal is a costume Shayla’s put on, and despite the illusion her body does not forget the truth. With the threat of relapse constant, she decides it would be better for Travis to find somebody uninjured and complete. Travis refuses to give up on her so easily, but he’s logical enough not to pursue her forever. If Shayla wants to be with the boy she cares about it’s up to her to realize that as difficult as being sick is, opening up and learning to accept the love of others may be her biggest struggle yet. Only this time, she’s the one in control. Thoughts? I'm not 100% in love with the phrasing but I'm hoping that at least I get the stakes of the novel across clearer (if she doesn't learn to accept love, she'll be alone).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

wonderwendy — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:46:32 -0600

Not nearly ready to query yet, but I wanted to give it a shot so I have something to fall back on when it's all shiny and edited. Thank you Kimberly for all your advice. Miss Snark is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a while. Dear Agent X, [personalized intro] TRASHY FANTASY NOVEL (working title) is a fantasy novel completed at 60,000 words. Lotta Diablo, scion of an unsavory merchant house, is quite happy serving her apprenticeship in theft, fraud and business until a simple job goes wrong. She finds herself magically bound to rescue a group of peasants from the Black Circle, a mysterious band of slavers. Saddled with a second cousin more proficient with a lute than a sword and an obnoxious Hero of Good, Lotta must traverse oceans, continents and the occasional dungeon to free herself from the geas. TRASHY FANTASY NOVEL is intended for adult fans of fantasy but can be safely enjoyed by fans of action, intrigue and sexy lesbian pirates. Thank you for your time and consideration, Wonderwendy

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kalisto_Barques — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:53:31 -0600

This is a query letter that I wrote for a novel I've finished. I'm not one hindred percent pleased with it, but I'm not sure what's wrong. Any feedback would be very helpful. Dear [Editor]: Good evening. Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Tami. I am a Nevada native, with a deep love of the Silver State. I am a writer and published poet looking for a book publisher. It is my hope that you are that publisher. Now for a brief bit about myself: I began seriously writing when I was thirteen. In the beginning I wrote simply for my own enjoyment, and because I had a burning need to write. When I turned nineteen I began writing with publication in mind. I attended a correspondence course on writing for children. While the course gave me great insight into what the children’s publishing market is looking for, it showed me that writing for children is not my real passion. I write for the not so average adult reader, which kind of makes me a round peg in a square hole. I love to tell a story, but most of all I love to tell a romantic story. And so for the last thirteen years I have been putting my talent to use. I have been a fact checker for InMediaRes, LLC since 2006. I am a lifetime member of the Poets’ Inner Circle. Dark Thirst, which is the book I am proposing to send to you, is a romantic novel about two vampires that have denied their feelings for hundreds years. The manuscript is written, however, I am not opposed to revisions, should they make the story sell well. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. Dark Thirst runs roughly 108,000 words in length, and runs 350 pages. There are some descriptive erotic scenes and a couple of violent ones. The overall premise of the manuscript is fierce determination, romance between Stefan and Tiffany the main characters, and a desire to protect. It is true that this manuscript does not fit any set mold, and while it may not seem like a wise business venture to publish a story that breaks a mold, I believe it is quite reasonable. In the publishing world, the old standbys will sell well. However, it is also possible for a new and exciting story to sell just as well. Fresh ideas are what I am trying to promote with this book. If you are interested in giving this manuscript a chance, I would be happy to send it along for review and consideration. I understand that you are quite busy and that you receive submissions every day, and therefore appreciate your time. Regards, Tami Elder

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:45:27 -0600

How can I format my reply to cross out/bold words? I tried making my critiques in a word document, but it didn't work.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lucien Jay — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:37:18 -0600

Hey, guys! I'm nowhere near query stage, but I wanted to make a mock-up in order to see what needs work. Feel free to tear it to shreds! -- Dear [Person], Zane was given the unfortunate title of being the first slave to ever escape Lord Velkar, a madman who, in a fit of rage upon hearing of his flight, burned Zane’s village to the ground before he could see his family again, and thought him killed in the inferno. A reluctant survivor, Zane had no will to keep living until he met Lord Suyuko – a man of many years and talents who offers him a home in exchange for his services as a servant in his grand castle. Zane has no choice but to go; however, he arrives to find the place completely devoid of any other inhabitants. The townspeople nearby love Lord Suyuko, but underneath that adoration, some are slightly fearful of him because of the supposed “stories.” Zane has no time to reflect on this, because Suyuko soon takes him under his wing and begins to teach him strong magics. They soon develop a bond, and, once he is finally able to trust his master, Zane reveals that Lord Velkar used to rape and beat him senseless for pleasure. Angered at his fellow colleague’s behavior, Suyuko does his best to accommodate Zane even further, and despite being a loner, the Lord eventually collects other lost individuals to live with them as companions for Zane: a pink-haired prankster, an unfeeling woman, and two best friends glued at the hip who constantly argue with each other on the smallest of issues. Zane is forced to learn how to mesh positively with these odd characters whilst uncovering his master’s dark past. Things spiral out of control once Velkar finds out that Zane is indeed alive, and this creates an unlikely chain of events which startle their world’s shaky peace with a race of oppressed peoples who thirst for a vengeance that can only be slaked with Magical blood. LIFE'S CURSE is a 90,000 word fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, [My Name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ShadowWriter — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:37:48 -0600

Critique and Swap Guidelines were closed, so I'm asking here, but I was wondering if I/you could post a new thread for swapping Christian Fiction/Fantasy? I know several other Christian writers on this site, so I know there are several people who would be interested in this. Could I post it, copying your guidelines from other swap requests, or would you rather post it yourself? Thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 11:44:20 -0600

I am breaking a lot of rules doing this, I think. but when voice comes into play, there is nothing more powerful that the voice of your character. Dear My name is Mystery Clarke. Roll your eyes if you want. I do it enough when I write the name down, too, but I didn't give me the name, he did, and I'm stuck with it for 400 or so pages. Mom told me that if I wanted to write a cookbook I would have to go against Bobby Flay because it is not about quality, and me being a nobody, that it would never happen. This guy thinks I have a story to tell, and I kinda trust him. After my 16th birthday, I found out why I hadn't had my period. Most would consider me lucky that it would have been so late in coming and if I were normal, I would probably have though so too. But, you see, I found out that I am really a boy. I look like a girl; I have all the girl parts on the outside, but my chromosomes are XY, not XX. Oh, the crap that started. Dad didn't know how to deal with it and abandoned me and even told me that he wished I was the one that died instead of my brother. His behaving like a jerk caused my mother to leave him, but I don't think he cared much other than the occasioal card he would send me that I never opened. You know I actually had testicles? Yeah, seriously. They were two little balls in my pelvis that had to be removed. Gross and weird. I still have the scars from that surgery to this day. Then harassment at school. You know how hard it is to keep a secret like this at school? You can only imagine what happened when people found out. It isn't pretty. The real problem is me though. Am I a woman or a man. Heather tells me that I am a woman. I look like a woman, I think like a woman, hell, even taste like a woman. Yes, I said taste, and you can draw the appropriate conclusion from that alone. But am I? Do I look to my physicallity to come to the conclusion of gender or my genetics. I have loved both men and women. I even married a man before he was murdered, but does that make me bi-sexual? Or does it make me heterosexual with my physical makeup, or hetersexual with my genetic makeup. I don't know and propbably won't ever really know. I do know that I can't have kids, but I end up having one and she is a beautiful girl named Noelle that happenes to come from the seed of my late husband with my current wife. How about that for something that doesn't seem right? He's telling me that I am starting to ramble. He's also telling me to tell you that he is the author of my story and it comes in at 100,192 words, but I think that is silly. It ended when I told him it ended, be that 50k words or a million. So all that follows is how to get into contact with him and what-not. If your interested in my story, I guess you take it from here.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Dawnheart — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 08:36:43 -0600

are query and cover letters the same thing?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:28:21 -0600

Dear [Name], [Short agent specific paragraph] Colored by guilt form a childhood trauma, that cost a man his life, Laura Ebbens has grown up to become a principled young archaeologist who would do anything to stay out of a dangerous situation. Would do; except she's too curious. When she meets the troubled and annoyingly-familiar Tom, Laura sets her mind on uncovering his dark secrets, but what she finds out is far beyond even her wildest imagination. Tom is the man whose death Laura has spent years lamenting; only he isn't dead. He is immortal. In the midst of coping with her personal paradigm shift, Laura runs in with Lui, a charismatic but possibly insane man from Tom's past. Lui tells her he knows how to cure immortality, and Laura sees an opportunity to help the woebegone Tom. But the cure isn't exactly some herbal concoctin, and Lui is a far more calculative man than he appears to be. Before she knows, Laura finds herself drawn into danger and what may well be the lengthiest quarrel in all of history. A quarrel that has fostered the many longevity myths around the world, and that will change Laura's lifes more or less for ever. LOVELY, OLD THINGS is a 65.000-words paranormal fiction filled with dynamic characters, suspense and intrigue. The novel is written to stand alone, but I have ideas for a sequel. [Something about attachment if requested] Thank you for your time, F...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

meriam2e — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:25:19 -0600

Dear... When getting out is all that's left, Sydney, Morgan, June, and Bree leave it all behind on the road trip of their lives. Cross country, from Portland, Oregon to Cape Charles, Virginia; where not everything that falls apart can be put together again. Including friendship. They take the trip as a way for them to reconnect, but with everything that they've been through in the past year, they might as well have taken 3000 miles in the wrong direction. From the Hollywood sign to the Big Apple, they can be found getting laid, jealous, wasted, or reckless, sometimes a combination of all four. But no matter how long they've known each other in the past, they still manage to find what they never knew. Sydney hasn't really been there, not for a while. She's already fantasizing about college life, ready to let life start, even if it means leaving her friends behind. Bree's finally had enough of June's overbearing personality and for once decides to stand up for herself. She's run away from home with no plans of ever going back. If ever there was a time to speak up, it was now. While Morgan is stuck in the constant aftermath of June and Bree, she too is dealing with losing her best friend. How can you make someone stay when all they want is to be somewhere else? June doesn't know the answer either. She's sensed it all along, Bree's plans of staying away from home. But there's nothing she can do if Bree won't listen. WHERE THE ROAD MEETS THE SUN is a 56,000 word work of Contemporary YA. This is my first novel. I am currently working on my second. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely, Meriam2e

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Little_Alex — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:48:50 -0600

I posted this query last year, but after numerous revisions to the story, and what with ABNA coming up soon, I thought I'd repost (and critique if my belief is confirmed that I've somewhat gotten the hang of this). Thanks in advance! Dear (Angent’s name), Lauren is out to rid her world of all the corrupt people in it. The only problem is, that includes herself. Sixteen year-old Lauren Campbell’s life consists of two things: harmful people, and people who try to extinguish the fiery temper she gets because of these harmful people. When a way out comes along, Lauren grabs at it: a scholarship to a boarding school three hundred miles from home. The desire for a perfect home drives her to chase away anyone she sees as amoral at this new school, including the crew of neo-Nazis buzzing around her like flies. She makes friends she believes are good, virtuous people, and the move seems to be for the better. But when Lauren gets locked in another room while her roommate is raped, she realizes she can’t sit back anymore. Driven by a strong sense of responsibility, Lauren decides to figure out who did this to her roommate and bring them down before they strike again. Guessing it must be one of the nazi bullies, Lauren follows the lead only to learn they were the ones who saved her roommate. They redirect her to her own friends, the friends she thought to be so good. Although feeling betrayed, Lauren can’t stop the hunt; she’s had a life of bad people before this and she’ll take any risk to make this new home worth the move. But when one of those risks involves an attempted murder, Lauren’s whole world changes, and her eyes are opened to the harm she herself is capable of. Now on a dangerous spiral downward, she must race to destroy the evil in her world before she destroys herself. OUTSIDE OF US is a 64,000 word young adult contemporary novel. I have enclosed [submission requirements] as per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration, (My Name)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kalisto_Barques — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:13:11 -0600

Thank you for your input. I actually have a few sites favorite placed that go over queries thanks to the feedback I've gotten here. In answer to where I learned to write the query that way. I was actually educated to do it that way by an editor. Also, the books he sent me with guides for queries was formatted like the one I posted. I"m going over the queries I havw written and re-writing them. I should have another go to post up here soon.... work permitting. :(

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:22:17 -0600

So. I have read many of the critiques in this thread, as carefully combed through all of the suggested links. I have a synopsis-type thing for my novel, and my main difficulty is being too close to the story at the moment to see what the main points for a query would be. This is probably because, as the author, I see more plot points as vital to understand than is probably necessary, because I'm worried that without them the query would make no sense. I am ready for your work, NaNoBoards. * [Agents name etc etc] In Nuremberg, 1514, the great artist and wizard Albretch Durer imbues his friend's unborn child with the disposition of melanchonia, believed to cause either genius or insanity. Twenty years later, that child, Linhart Faust, has grown into a brilliant but socially awkward young man obsessed with uncovering universal truth. The religious conflicts and contradictions of the Reformation disappoint his passionate search for answers. He and his brother Deither come down with brain fever, and the rest of the family travels abroad, leaving them quarantined within the house. Despite his exhaustion, Linhart creates a potion that will cure the fever, but not in time to save his brother. When his family returns, his sister Apollonia becomes engaged to his rival, and his father wants to send him to learn book keeping at a copper mine in Kitzbuhl. Desperate to escape his disastrous personal life, Linhart tries to kill himself, only to accidentally summon a mysterious demon named Mephistopheles, who offers him the knowledge of magic in exchange for his soul. His ambition renewed, he decides that he might find his universal truth, if only he had enough time, and seeks the secret to immortality. When he fails, and his life is cut short, Mephistopheles takes Linhart to the bureaucratic Corporeal Otherworld, an afterlife closer to The Garden of Earthly Delights than anything he'd ever seen in illuminated manuscripts. As punishment for his ambition, he's sent back to Earth to be imprisoned within the subconsciousness of men predicted to lead mediocre lives. Four centuries later, he's trapped inside the mind of an optimistic young Knell Telephone Labs programmer named Richard. During the height of the cybernetics craze and the Great Society, Richard believes that scientific understand will create the perfect society. However, as the decades pass, Knell cuts funding for his experimental research, and Richard is the only one among his friends not to have invented anything. He shuts himself off from others and begins to drink ground water, and the contamination causes his mind to deteriorate. It's then that Richard starts hearing a voice in his head. It's the sometimes sympathetic, and sometimes nasty, commentary of Linhart. Linhart is amazed to discover he can communicate with his human container, an ability he had believed was impossible. However, the embittered Richard dismisses the voice as "the little angel and devil on my shoulders", and continues his downward spiral. Refusing to be discouraged, Linhart decides to use this glitch as a window of opportunity to escape his own damnation. Meanwhile, Mephistopheles finds their indifference to the moral contradictions of the Corporeal Otherworld wavering, and decides to help. Now Linhart and Mephistopheles must work across dimensions, dodging the totalitarian authority of the Otherworld government, and trying to survive the dangerous landscape of the human mind, in order find a way to free themselves, even if it means sacrificing ever seeing Earth again. TRAGICAL is a 60,000 word literary fantasy that would appeal to readers of Lev Grossman and Stephen Fry. Thank you for your time, [My name] * Known issues: I KNOW it's too long. Please help me, as fresh, gorgeous pairs of eyes, find what is most informative. All other feedback welcome, as well. THANK YOU.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 08:10:42 -0600

A second try. Saw away! Dear [Name], Laura Ebbens killed a man when she was six. At least that's what her guilt says about the accident. Then, her guilt didn't know the man was essentially immortal, and that the only thing lethal to an immortal, is another immortal. At the age of twenty-six, Laura runs in with Tom whose death burdens her conscience. However, she learns that Tom isn’t dead. He is immortal, but wishes he wasn’t. Upon Laura’s discovery, Tom leaves, and Lui, an immortal from Tom’s past, appears. Lui knows how to make an immortal mortal, and persuades Laura to help him find Tom. When Lui reveals that ‘the cure’ is to kill another immortal, Laura questions his intentions, but after Ásgeirr shows up, she gets her explanation. Ásgeirr is an immortal that hunts other of his kind and arranges to have them kill each other. Lui has a vendetta with Ásgeirr, and wants to give him a taste of his own medication. However, Ásgeirr mistakes Laura for an immortal and poses an ultimatum. Laura must kill Lui by dusk, or people she loves will die. Lui and Laura modify Lui’s original plan, and continue to search for Tom. What they don’t know is that plan B puts more than Laura's life at stake, it will jeopardizes her mortality. LOVELY, OLD THINGS is a 65.000-words paranormal fiction. The novel is written to stand alone, but I have ideas for a sequel. [Something about attachment if requested] Thank you for your time, Fni [contact information]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

MaraMoser — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 09:54:47 -0600

Please send help :) [Dear Agent], Daphne Kinlan was ten years old when she invented the best killing machine in the world. Brutal as it is, no one can deny that the Kinlan Roulette is fair, and it works. Eight years later, the population of her world is nearing a manageable level despite a plague that causes every woman to bear three children instead of one. Daphne has yet to invent anything else nearly as brilliant and spends all her time in a government apartment scribbling out useless blueprints. That changes when her bodyguard and only friend rescues a prisoner from the Roulette. It doesn’t matter that the workers there beat the prisoner nearly to death for no reason. Stealing from the government is a crime so heinous nothing can justify it. Daphne would rather take the blame than lose her bodyguard forever, but she can’t stick around long enough to find out what her punishment will be. She brings her bodyguard, of course—she has never even left her apartment without him—and the prisoner. But the second Daphne sets foot in a faraway city, the government finds her. They will do anything to have her back under their control, and they make tempting offers to lessen her punishment under certain conditions. She will have to decide how much she is willing to risk for the life of a prisoner who she suspects didn’t even want to be rescued and who is none too happy to be in the company of the world’s most infamous inventor. And she will have to weigh the worth of her own, barely-discovered freedom. The Kinlan Roulette is a work of science fiction complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your time.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:28:13 -0600

Dear , "I have no home. I have nothing of my own, not even my body. Everything I once knew and held dear is now dead or a world away." Elika and Areya are two women, ripped from their lives and sold into slavery. Now, they live in the palace of the sun and moon god of Raliria. Areya was once a renowned blademistress in her own country. Now, she is nothing more than a slave of the heir to the throne; she may be his favorite, but that only means demeaning abuse for her. Elika was once a loving wife and expecting mother. Now, she is simply the favorite slave of the high priest, surrounded with loneliness and a culture that is radically different from her own in many ways. Though their lives are filled with expensive clothes, beautiful jewelry, and no hard work, they yearn for nothing save freedom. And they will settle for nothing short of freedom. An ambitious plan of escape is concocted, and though it is successful, their journey is far from finished, and far from safe. The journey back to Keren's village is fraught with bounty posters, angry soldiers, and strange encounters. But even home isn't what it used to be. . . WAVES OF FREEDOM: THE SHINING CAGE is a 60,000 word book, the first in a series of epic fantasy novels that narrate the journey of two women to freedom, for themselves, those they love, and the rest of their world. Have at thee. (posting this is more than mildly scary)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 04:39:50 -0600

Elika chose a life of building and loving a family. Areya chose a life on the sea, protecting those she cared for. Choice means nothing when they are ripped from their lives and forced into slavery. As they travel towards the palace, where they are to be sold, the two women desperately pray for deliverance. Instead of a miracle, they find themselves thrust into a nightmare as they become the favorite slaves of the prince and the high priest. Areya finds herself increasingly bitter as her God refuses to answer her prayers, and Elika’s misery only grows the longer she stays in the palace. Along with some of the other slaves, they spend their time in the palace contriving an escape plan. Not everyone is as trustworthy as they seem, though, and a traitor lies within their close knit circle. Though the escape is successful, the two women, joined by a younger slave, must still make it back to Elika’s town. Bounty posters of Areya are everywhere, and the bounty on her head is high enough to tempt a rich man. Loyal soldiers and greedy hunters dog their every step, and many are only evaded by strange answers to Areya’s fervent prayers. . .but home is within their grasp. Elika’s elation at coming home fades when she realizes that her town is no longer there, and Areya is just as shell-shocked. A survivor appears, and it is through him that they learn that the slavers who tore them from their lives sacked the town and murdered those they could not enslave. Grief turns into anger, and Elika swears to avenge the blood spilt. Areya stands behind her at the behest of her God. Life, limb, and freedom hang in the balance now. I feel like this one is much better, but now it's rather too long, I think. Also, the title has changed. It is now ABSOLVED: SLAVE TO THE SKY.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Little_Alex — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 21:48:45 -0600

Alright, I've considered all previous comments and have come up with this. Let me know what you think! Everything is appreciated! Dear (Agent’s name), Lauren Campbell is out to rid her world of all the corrupt people in it which, if necessary, includes herself. For sixteen-year-old Lauren there are two types of people in the world: good and evil. After moving to a boarding school to escape the evil three hundred miles back home, she manages to make friends with good, virtuous people, despite a gang of bullies buzzing around her like flies. But when Lauren is tricked away while her roommate is raped, she realizes she can’t sit back anymore. Though she has sworn not to tell anyone what happened, she is driven by a strong sense of responsibility. She decides that she will figure out who did this to her roommate and bring them down herself. She goes after the obvious choice, the bullies, only to learn they saved her roommate. They tell her it was one of her friends, the friends she thought to be so good. Although feeling betrayed, Lauren can’t stop the hunt; she’s finally found a place she fits in and she’ll take any risk to make this new home worth the move. Her eyes are opened to her own capacity for evil, however, when one of those risks involves attempting to murder her best friend. Now on a dangerous spiral downward, she must race to destroy the evil in her world before she destroys herself. OUTSIDE OF US is a 64,000 word young adult contemporary novel. This is my first novel. I have enclosed [submission requirements] as per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration, (My Name)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kamboolii — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:48:47 -0600

Dear [Name] As always, the Wu sends three: warrior, mage and archer. The task is simple, return a Princess to her rightful Kingdom where she will replace her murdered mother as Queen and defend her Kingdom from the invading Drathraq legions. Led by the insane ArchMage Chambeeta Kamboolii, the agents of the Wu arrive in a blast of lightning and begin their track across the wilds of a primitive Kuduu-infested back-water planet where every plant is an enemy and every ally has interests of their own. Chased by Drathraq shape-shifters and contract mercenaries intent on killing the reluctant Princess, the drug-addicted Kamboolii must somehow muddle his way through the obstacles placed before him while keeping his ward and his companions alive, a task made more difficult by his need to stop at every tavern he crosses. Never has so dull a tool been pitted against so monumental a problem. Beginning in Paradox is the first novel in a trilogy that pits the cross-realm regulatory agency known as the Wu against the aggressive forces of the spreading Drathraq Empire. From the Kuduu-infested world of Minth, to the forbidden world of Xull, and finally to the besieged world of Em, the agents of the Wu cross the boundaries of time leaving waves of alternative outcomes and unthreaded realities in their wake. Guided by future actions they may never accomplish, they must find their way through multiple outcomes to the one destination resulting in the survival of the realmhead and the resolution of the paradox that they unwittingly began. BEGINNING in PARADOX, PART 1: KULDORII is 164K word epic fantasy, the first in a three-part series detailing the journey of the ArchMage Kamboolii.

The Flames of Prague

keriamon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 10:47:33 -0600

Okay, I'm back with my query letter. I'm still struggling with it because it's written in two parts--a multi-generational novel, if you will. The first part is Jakub's story. The second part is the story of his son, Samuel--although Samuel is essentially completing the work his father started twenty years before. I think it works as a novel, but it makes query writing hell. I decided to write the query in two parts, like I did the book, just to see if it works. [Cut agent greetings] Bohemia, 1388 Sir Jakub doesn’t like to admit it, but his hair is more gray than black, and his squires are already faster than he is; soon they’ll be able to whip his ass—the ultimate humiliation for a man who has spent twenty-three of his forty years on campaign. But while out on a hunt, he stumbles across a lost young woman who rapidly captures his interest. Intelligent and beautiful, Alzbeta’s shy smiles become a balm which soothes his aching ego. He quickly decides it’s time to move on to the next stage of his life: begetting an heir. But when he escorts her home to Prague, he discovers why she has been reticent about herself: she’s a Jew. As lovesick as Jakub becomes for Alzbeta, he can’t bridge the gap between their two worlds. But news reaches Jakub that trouble is brewing in Prague for the Jews. Accused of desecrating the Host, the Jews are caught up in a firestorm of words which soon turn into real flames, and Jakub must hurry if he is to save her from the purge. Bohemia, 1408 Samuel has everything he could want: youth, skill at arms, and a handsome face. He’s even a favorite at court—especially among the ladies. But his fashionable clothes hide a secret: he’s a Jew. For twenty years, Jakub has hidden Alzbeta’s true identity and has secretly passed her heritage on through their children—Samuel included. But when the new parish priest openly denounces the family as Jews, Jakub and Samuel must fight to get the family to safety and lie to clear their reputation before the Church’s purging flames are kindled once again. THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a historical romance novel set in 14th century Bohemia, and is complete at 75,000 words.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ValentineRose28 — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:39:06 -0600

Dear Ms./Mr. XXX Emily Dawson just wants to be able to close her eyes without seeing Amanda’s face. Or to think about her without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Or even to walk down the street without seeing her “missing” flyers plastered to everything with a flat surface. Is that really so much to ask? Yes, apparently it is. After just getting home from a year-long absence, Emily knows reuniting with her family and friends isn’t going to be easy. And the fact that she knows where the missing girl is- the one everyone has been looking for since last winter- makes it all the more awkward. There is one reason Emily hasn’t told anyone where Amanda is yet. She’s scared- scared of being hated, scared of getting in trouble. But most of all, she’s scared of what Amanda’s boyfriend will do to her if she tells. But the guilt of not telling is almost eating Emily alive, especially when she starts having feelings for Amanda’s brother. How is she supposed to look into those gray eyes that she has come to love and know that she can never tell him the one thing he wants to know? WHAT HAPPENED THEN is a 55,000+ word young adult novel. Thank you for considering my novel. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, [Name] [address] [phone number] [email]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:23:19 -0600

Here goes... Dear “Agent Name”, IDENTITY CRISIS is the riveting tale about what can happen when our memories become pawns in the crime solving game. For Research Scientist Max Duncan, life is good. He has a loving wife and daughter, and a career he is very passionate about. But in one day, all of this changed. After a disappointing meeting with regional director Maggie Huffington, Max is faced with the very real possibility of laying off several of his workers at Axis Pharmaceuticals. Stopping at a liquor store on his way home from work, Max becomes a witness to the brutal murder of the liquor store clerk. Sophie Bainbridge, an off duty federal agent with the Information Retrieval Unit, sees the shooting and rescues Max from the tragic seen. Shocked from incident, Max is unable to recall anything he might have seen during the brutal killing of the clerk. Sophie and her supervisor, Special Agent Michael Johansson, perform an Information Retrieval on Max which will render his memories to be used to solve the crime, but will also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. Max Duncan is gone from the world. Following a terrible car accident, Agent Daniel Smith experiences several episodes of déjà vu, as well as vivid dreams which he cannot seem to explain. Even more suspicious, around every corner is reference to a scientist named Max Duncan. Mystified by these episodes, Daniel and his partner Sophie try to figure out the connection between Daniel’s dreams and Max Duncan, a man the world believes is dead. During IDENTITY CRISIS, the reader will be taken into the dark and secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit, and its creator Special Agent Michael Johansson, a man who cannot overcome the loss of his young wife. Ethical and philosophical questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. Set in modern day Baltimore, IDENTITY CRISIS is a mystery/suspense novel, complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing back from you. Sincerely, “My Name” “My email” “My phone” Closing

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:46:15 -0600

Let's try this one... Dear “Agent Name”, I am seeking representation for my debut novel, IDENTITY CRISIS. After research scientist Max Duncan witnesses a horrific shooting, he becomes entwined in the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit. Stopping at a liquor store, Max witnesses the brutal murder of the liquor store clerk. An off duty federal agent with the Information Retrieval Unit sees the shooting and rescues Max from the tragic scene. Shock pervades Max during his debriefing, and he is unable to recall any specifics about the clerk’s murder. Two IRU agents perform an Information Retrieval on Max which will render his memories to be used to solve the crime, but will also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. The identity of Max Duncan is gone. He awakes from the Information Retrieval procedure days later with a new name, new memories, and a new life. The newly recovered Agent Daniel Smith experiences several episodes of déjà vu, as well as vivid dreams which he cannot seem to explain. Even more suspicious, around every corner is reference to a scientist named Max Duncan. Mystified by these episodes, Daniel confides in his partner Agent Sophie Bainbridge to try to figure out the connection between his dreams and Max Duncan, a man the world believes is dead. Set in modern day Baltimore, IDENTITY CRISIS is a mystery/suspense novel, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series, due to its fast pace and level of suspense. During IDENTITY CRISIS, the reader will be taken into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit. Ethical and questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. My publishing credits include an article about music advocacy in the School Music News, a professional music publication for the music educators of New York State. Like Max Duncan, I am a formally trained musician. Thank you for your consideration. I will be happy to send you any or all of my manuscript upon request. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope for your response and I look forward to hearing back from you. Sincerely, “My Name” “My email” “My phone”

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

BestTeenWriterDoingIt — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:55:10 -0600

Hi everyone. ;) I'm new to NanoWrimo. But I'm really excited about writing (as I'm sure all of you are.) I finished this novel when I was fifteen (I just turned sixteen) and I've been having some issues with the query letter. Can anyone help? Dear agent, Alex Campbell is just like your average teenager – only that he’s responsible for helping stop a power hunger supernatural being from creating the apocalypse. For seventeen-year-old Alex, moving from Chicago to California is the worst thing ever. He finds dreams of a man stalking him, a strange group of students who are watching him, and a secret that opens his eyes to the fact that the world isn’t as normal as he thought – and neither is he. He discovers he has a gift—the not-always-stable ability of telekinesis—one that has been dormant in his body until now. He would be worried, only he isn’t the only one with a gift. The students have them, and so do a large number of other people, living abroad and living the secret life. A man named Sebastian has his sights set on Alex and his friends, wanting to use their power to resurrect an ancient beast in order to take over the world, and going as far as to kidnap Alex’s family and a friend of the group. Alex is barely able to handle his newfound specialness but now he’s front-and-center trying to prevent an apocalypse. And if he can’t pull it together, the people closest to him will be the first to go. GIFTED is completed at about 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I hope to hear back from you. Chapters or the full manuscript available upon request. Kind Regards, Jordan Adams

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:30:55 -0600

Dear Agent, Mystery Clarke has androgen insensitivity syndrome, daddy issues, and problems doing what her heart knows is right because her brain deals too much with the past. Heather Cummings is married and has a past of illicit affairs, rash decisions, and drug abuse, all of which Mystery has lived through. Mystery is satisfied with the adulterous affair that she and Heather are having, but it isn’t enough for Heather, and she tells Mystery of her plan to divorce her husband. With the knowledge of Heather’s questionable past, Mystery resists the notion of an exclusive relationship Heather dumps at her feet. As the new dimension of their affair becomes more real, Mystery sees the past as if it’s the present. She relives the immature emotional relationship she and Heather had as younger women. She remembers Heather’s adulterous past as Mystery suspects Heather of having yet another affair in the present. Yet, she also remembers the support Heather gave her when she was first diagnosed with her syndrome and how Heather was there when Mystery’s father abandoned her and her mother. Confronted with all of the emotional baggage that she carries, Mystery must deal with the past if she is to make a future that breaks the cycle of her life. "Ex and Why" is complete at 105,121 words. Sample chapters or manuscript are available at your request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. With regards, Dr. Name, D.O. (Not sure if I should put in my titles as it might sound a little arrogant to flash the doctor tag around, but it is my name.)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:20:33 -0600

Dear Agent, Dr. Sean Goodman meets the priest in the hospital. The priest has terminal lung cancer. After Sean examines him, the priest is discharged. There are no signs of cancer. Goodman finds a neighborhood girl dying on the street. She was hit by a car. He knows that she is going to die as the paramedics take her away. That night, a colleague tells him the girl didn’t have a scratch on her. She was discharged from the emergency room. When Sean cuts himself in the kitchen, it heals before he can run it under water. Seeing this, he accepts that his intervention saved the priest and the girl. He knows there are those that will raise him up as a messiah if he uses his ability. He knows there are those that will demonize him if he refuses. When Sean sleeps, he finds himself conversing with Hippocrates and Socrates. They tell him that he is in The Space Between, the point between the last heart beat and brain death. It is from here his ability originates. When his pregnant wife is shot through the stomach, Sean knows that in order to save one, he will have to sacrifice the other. THE SPACE BETWEEN is a supernatural-drama of 94,000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time, Name

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Rutland Writer — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:42:59 -0600

I would like a critique please. Thank you! Dear _____, I am seeking representation for Laguna, complete at approximately 70,000 words. Laguna is a women’s fiction novel. Sarah Rossi did the one thing that all women fantasize about at least once but none will actually carry out; she ran away. Sarah’s life was never hers. An overbearing father, who believed that a woman’s place was in the home, dictated it. Sarah’s mother was meek and mentally unstable, and so at a young age Sarah must run the house and take care of her brothers. Then after her mother died, she takes care of her father too. After one night of drinking and sex with a man she knew for only a few hours, Sarah becomes pregnant with twins and ultimately marries him. But, life with Joe isn’t much different than life with her father. After years of being the responsible one, the reliable one, the caretaker to many Sarah sneaks away in the middle of the night. She ran away from her cheating husband, troublesome teenage sons, ailing father who lives with her, and the job she hated. She leaves her dreary life in New Hampshire and drives cross-country to Laguna Beach, CA. She only intended to stay for a couple of weeks, but fate had other plans and a new life is born for Sarah. In Laguna, she finds the life of her dreams. She is able to pursue her passion for photography and has her first show. It is where she meets David, a quirky, eccentric gay man, who owns the cafe where she gets a job, and who becomes her best friend. It is where meets amazing friends and the love of her life, Will, who presses her to deal with the life she left behind before they take it to the next level. Then, she gets a call from a friend back home. Sarah’s husband has been in a car accident and he might not live. Knowing that the boys need her she flies home with David to face the scene she had left behind. Thank you for considering my project. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely,

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:08:15 -0600

Agent, Dr. Sean Goodman knows that modern medicine is not curative. After he examines a priest with terminal cancer who leaves the next day cancer free, Goodman insists that there was an error in the patient’s chart. When he notices that his arthritic dog does not need help getting on the bed at night, he attributes it canine physiology. When he attempts to resuscitate a girl with fatal injuries who, he is later told, survived without a scratch, his brain can’t reconcile what his eyes saw and what his colleague told him. It never enters Dr. Goodman’s thoughts that he is the cause. Dr. Goodman doesn’t accept anything without objective proof. But, when he sees his own hand healing after cutting it with a knife, he is forced to accept that he is responsible for the priest’s remission, and the girl’s survival, despite the lack of objectivity. In dreams Sean learns the limits of his ability from Socrates and Hippocrates. They do not tell him how or why. They only tell him that he cannot bring life back to those that are dead. That act is abomination. Sean knows that if people learn of his ability, some will try to pervert it for monetary gain. Others will demonize him if he refuses. Not wanting either, he uses it in secret, but finds that lying to his patients becomes more and more difficult as they begin to suspect as he cures them of their ailments. The grieving father of a boy that Dr. Goodman couldn’t save seeks retribution, and shoots Sean and his pregnant wife. Hippocrates tells Sean that he has two choices. Virtue: living and making an abomination of his wife so that his child can be born. Or that of the un-virtuous: cross “The Space Between,” and die. THE SPACE BETWEEN, 93,000 words is a supernatural drama. Thank you, blah, blah I believe that this is much more flushed out than my previous attempts. However, I am concerned with the length of the first paragraph. I did incorporate elements of commentators. To them, I give thanks. The sentence length is making me grind my teeth a bit. I have always understood that they should be short direct sentences, but here I have many filled with direct in indirect clauses, and it worries me. Anyhow, it is what it is at this moment. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:17:33 -0600

This is about my fifth attempt. Am I getting close yet? Here goes... Dear Agent, I am seeking representation for my debut novel, IDENTITY CRISIS, a mystery/suspense novel based in and around the Baltimore area, complete at around 85,000 words. Max Duncan is a dedicated research scientist and amateur musician, who finds himself thrust into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit. Narrowly escaping death during a shooting at a liquor store, Max is rescued by Sophie Bainbridge, an agent with the FBI’s Information Retrieval Unit. However, during his debriefing, Max is unable to recall any specifics to help identify the criminal. Max’s scientific background is appealing to Sophie and her supervisor, so they make the decision to perform an Informational Retrieval on Max, which will not only reveal his memories from the shooting, but also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. As a result, Max will have a new set of memories implanted, along with a new career working with the IRU and a new name, “Agent Daniel Smith”. Both Max Duncan’s memory and identity are erased; or so they think. As the plot unfolds, the newly recovered Agent Daniel Smith begins to suffer from déjà vu, and he has a recurring dream which seems to connect him to Max Duncan, who the world believes is dead. Confiding in Sophie, now his colleague, Daniel describes the strange dreams he has been having. Riddled with guilt, Sophie realizes that the Information Retrieval on Daniel was not complete. There are remnants of Max’s memories inside of Daniel, and those memories are fighting to survive. Sophie vows to make things right for Daniel, even if it means taking down the IRU along with its creator. During their quest for answers, Sophie discovers that she must confront the validity of her own identity as well. IDENTITY CRISIS will have an expected readership similar to that of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series. Its plot twists and turns keep the action moving. The actual process of the Information Retrieval provides a slight sci-fi characteristic to this novel. Questions will arise while reading IDENTITY CRISIS about one’s true identity and what value can be placed on the memories we all collect during our lives. These factors will make IDENTITY CRISIS a good choice for book clubs. Currently an unpublished writer of fiction, I have published an article about music advocacy which was printed in the March 2010 edition of The School Music News, a professional publication for New York State music educators. Like Max Duncan, I am a formally trained musician. Sincerely, Me

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

goomgirl — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:07:29 -0600

This is more in "pitch" form, because I'm looking at ABNA.. but it could turn into a query letter also. Any feedback would be great. ~~~ Ever since the evil creatures of the Dark Siege killed his mother, Valentino has craved revenge. For years, he has lived with the pain of his loss. For years, he has waited for an opportunity to join the peace legion and make things right. Finally, rumors of another Siege have reached his teenage ears. A trained assassin, well practiced with daggers and with nothing to lose, Valentino is ready. Except for one problem: like all other elves living amongst humans, Valentino is a slave. Enter Prince Colin, whom Valentino suspects is a peace legion recruiter. While trying to convince Colin to recruit him, he finds himself falling for the human prince, a controversy in more ways than one. While waiting for Colin to sweep him off his feet and into the legion, Valentino receives a life threatening assassination assignment. Aware that one mistake could cost him his dreams of avenging his mother, Valentino is determined to get this right. But he doesn’t realize that his decisions are about to play a role in the unfolding of the Dark Siege itself. This 51,000 word Young Adult Fantasy covers increasingly prevalent themes including homosexuality and racism. A BOND BETRAYED documents the coming-of-age struggles a young elf faces as he strives to find his place in the world and make his loved ones proud.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 07:32:28 -0600

Some random thoughts about querying... As many have stated on this thread and elsewhere, it seems so difficult to boil down an 80,000 word novel into a one page letter with strict formatting parameters. I am excited whenever I can pare down what I have written, but then worry that it has become too watered down. There seems to be a very delicate balance between too much/too little information and showing/telling. What are your thoughts about this stuff? Has anyone on this thread been successful in getting agent representation yet? Just curious. By the way, I think that everyone who is posting their query on this thread has courage. And anyone who does the really thorough critiques of those queries that are posted is to be commended. I don't yet feel my current level of understanding of the query process warrants a lot of feedback to others. I am learning a lot from you all, so thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:19:19 -0600

I am really beginning to love this thread. Thanks overthehill and JSC for your insight. Here is my latest attempt. I am struggling with describing the bigness of the conflict. It sounds lame. It also seems like the reader might say big deal. Maybe that is a problem with my plot. I need to find a way to describe the conflict a more convincing way. Here goes... Narrowly escaping death during a shooting at a liquor store, research scientist Max Duncan is rescued by Sophie Bainbridge, an agent with the FBI’s Information Retrieval Unit. During his debriefing, Max is unable to recall any specifics to help identify the criminal involved, so Sophie and her supervisor perform an Informational Retrieval on Max. This process successfully reveals his memories from the shooting, but also removes all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. As a result, Max is implanted with a new set of memories along with a new career as an agent with the IRU, named Agent Daniel Smith. As the plot unfolds, Daniel begins to suffer from déjà vu. He tells Sophie about a recurring dream he has been having which seems to connect him to Max Duncan. Sophie realizes that the Information Retrieval on Daniel was not complete, and she begins to question the validity of her own identity. She vows to make things right, even if it means taking down the IRU along with its creator. If unsuccessful, Daniel and Sophie, along with the others who have had Information Retrievals done to them, risk never knowing the potential that their lives had to offer, let alone the fact that their families will be left to mourn their false deaths. The creator of the IRU is apprehended, and Sophie is told that her own identity has indeed been compromised. Having a change of heart, the IRU creator helps the two agents get their original identities back, and they begin to reconstruct their lives with their families.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keithisgood — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:05:32 -0600

I've entered last year's NaNo in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Competition and would greatly appreciate any critique on my "Pitch" (a.k.a. query). Please reply or PM me with any notes. Cheers! Two things interrupt the Bakersville Irregulars’ weekly writing workshop: a slap fight kindled over semicolons and the SWAT team. Together, Sid, Harris and Liam have punched Steve Jobs, slandered shoelaces and soliloquized to imaginary groundlings…but robbing a jeweller disguised as monkeys? Never. The only problem (admittedly, a Titanic v. Glacier sort of problem) is the bizarre heist matches their unpublished fiction letter for letter—complete with leather-clad elephant. After years of toil, the Irregulars finally have an audience for their fiction: an homicidal maniac plotting their arrest and murder. Aided by a flirtatious lawyer, the Irregulars LARP Sherlock Holmes to clear their names. Did the Bakersville Library Director frame them to clear her meeting rooms? Is it the work of an overzealous cop trying to bolster his mayoral bid? And why is the Police Chief disappearing at all hours? When the Irregulars pry their stories from a newspaper obituarist, it seems their ordeal is over. Two assassins and one night in a haunted house, however, plunge the Bakersville Irregulars neck deep into a crime spree stranger than fiction. Think of DUMB DICKS as the lovechild of Stephanie Plum and Phillip Marlowe: a light mystery steeped in pop culture, technology and detective fiction. Enclosed are the first XX pages and a #10 SASE. The completed 66,000 word manuscript is available upon request. My fiction has been published by Yesteryear Fiction and The Punkin House Digest. Many thanks for your time and consideration.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Rutland Writer — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:39:19 -0600

Have you ever dreamed of running away? After forty-one years of always doing the right thing and living a life that was never really hers, Sarah Rossi did just that. She ran away. Sarah did everything that her father expected. She helped around the house, helped to raise her brothers, took care of her mother when she was sick. Her life was never really hers. Then, in her early twenties, after a drunken night of casual sex, she became pregnant –with twins. All of her dreams slipped away when she agreed to marry the father of her babies, knowing it’s the right thing to do. After eighteen years of a rocky marriage, raising the twins, and caring for her father Sarah can’t help but wonder what life could have been like. Sarah dreamed of being a photographer, traveling, living somewhere beautiful and sunny. Instead, she was stuck in rural New Hampshire living a life she never wanted. She often fantasized of running away to California, but leaving her boys like that would be selfish. Then, on New Year’s Eve everything changed and Sarah decided to follow through with her silly plan. In the middle of the night, she snuck out of her house and left everything behind. She drove cross-country in search of a new life. Life in Laguna Beach falls into place quickly when she meets new friends, gets a job, a place to live, focuses on her passion, and falls madly in love for the first time. Then, a call from an old friend with bad news forces Sarah to fly back home. Now Sarah must face the past she left behind and make some decisions that will change everything. LAGUNA is complete at 67,000 words.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Gnatz — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:48:21 -0600

Any suggestions welcome. Target is initially agents in UK, who usually do require a synopsis in addition to a letter. Most ask for details including all twists in main plot only. Dear [Name], Meg Ian isn’t Meg Ian. It’s an alias she uses sometimes, because she doesn’t like to get too close to people. She isn’t a Justine either, but Frenchman Marcus Dee has decided she should be. Marcus Dee isn’t Marcus Dee. He’s obsessed with the book ‘Justine’ by the Marquis de Sade, and he collects Justines. He’s using the latest science to build his collection. Meg falls for Marcus, but flees when he attempts to put her on an antique device called the star. Justine didn’t flee from the star, which is why she became Justine and is very happy she did. Meg likes Justine, but their developing friendship leaves Meg afraid of what happened to the other Justines. Alarmed for Justine’s safety as well as her own, she investigates Marcus, with the help of private detective Jules. The trails they follow lead them from the UK’s south coast to Languedoc and Panama, then to a Foundation involved in scientific research and medical technology, and to diaries covering 250 years of research. Marcus dies, but he hasn’t stopped manipulating them. The more they discover, the more confused Meg, Jules and Justine become, intellectually and emotionally. Nothing is what it seems, not even their relationship to each other. Meg knows she’s changing, and that someone is trying to kill them. To stay alive, she needs to neutralise a multinational organisation and figure out how to trap a dead man who can control her emotions and actions. Plus she’ll have to betray those she’s come to love most. Helping a few million people is an optional extra. Too late, Meg understands what the star does. Now she won’t survive even if she succeeds, because Meg isn’t Meg any more. BOOK LOVERS is a mystery novel of 233,000 words. DNA tests suggest there is a 40% probability that it is the offspring of Ngaio Marsh and Michael Crichton’s NEXT, nurtured by the author’s qualifications in medical sciences and biochemistry. I look forward etc, etc. Please note: I'm looking for readers for the book. Please see the mystery/thriller/crime/suspense reader requests forum below for more details and offer to swap. http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/critiques-feedback-novel-swaps/threads/45647

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

tereseh — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:27:16 -0600

I like to keep it short, but I'm afraid it's too short? Dear Agent, Guardian angel Gail thinks her human protegee Iris is as boring as a carpet. When Fate asks Gail to fail in her guarding on purpose, to send Iris to heaven, there is just one problem; Gail refuses. Even though her work with Iris seems to have been in vain – that girl is never going to learn her life’s lesson – Gail feels ashamed and guilty. It’s her fault that Iris’s life isn’t worth more than 16 years - and that’s not fair to Iris. Gail fights for Iris’s life and comes up with a plan that includes the love of an angel named Gabriel to help her protect Iris from Fate and the other guardian angels. Little does she suspect that Gabriel has an agenda of his own, which includes Iris’s timely death, and that he really isn’t the angel she thinks he is - in fact he is not an angel at all. I CALLED HIM GABRIEL is an paranormal fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, Hopeful Author

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Gnatz — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 21:54:39 -0600

@tereseh re I CALLED HIM GABRIEL I have no qualifications to do this, as you can see from my own attempt, so I’m basing comments on what I’ve seen elsewhere. Guardian angel Gail thinks her human [ward?] Iris is as boring as a carpet. When Fate asks Gail to fail in her [guardianship] to[and?] send Iris to heaven [Who’s doing the sending?], Gail refuses. Even though her work with Iris seems to have been in vain – that girl is never going to learn her life’s lesson – Gail feels ashamed and guilty. It’s her fault that Iris’s life isn’t worth more than 16 years – and that’s [what does ‘that’ refer to?] not fair to Iris. Gail fights for Iris' life and comes up with a plan that includes the love of an angel named Gabriel to help her protect Iris from Fate and the other guardian angels. Little does she suspect that Gabriel has an agenda of his own, which includes Iris’s timely death, and that he isn’t the angel she thinks he is - he is not an angel at all. I didn’t have any major problems with the query, but it doesn’t hook me, either. This story's genre is very crowded at present, and the query doesn’t show us what makes this story different and special. Despite that, I'm probably hookable, provided you convince me the answers to the questions below are in the story. So convince me. As it stands, I'm not sure an agent would make the effort. From the voice, I'd say it belongs in the YA paranormal fantasy bracket, by the way. Emphasis on the YA. Overall, you show rather than tell (always a good thing). Liked the tone of the second para, would happily listen to this voice telling the story. Didn’t mind the dashes – there are three sets of them in a short space – but they are not a good thing, apparently. The query left me with a number of questions. Normally questions compel me to read the story,as I like questions, provided I can find the answers. Here, they’re probably the wrong sort of questions to leave unanswered, as they make me suspect possible glitches in the internal logic of the story (that's definitely a bad thing). Biggest questions are in Example 1, as they potentially affect everything else. I could well be missing something. If so, it might be a good idea to make it more obvious in the query. Examples: 1. Why would an angel see going to heaven at 16 as unfair? I’d expect Gail to be delighted that Iris is going early. Isn't ensuring Iris goes to heaven what Gail is trying to do? If not, what is her purpose, and what's the significance of 'her life's lesson' - whatever that is? Is it specific to Iris? What are the consequences of not learning it for Iris and Gail? Gail is mildly exasperated rather than worried that Iris hasn't learned it, so it's apparently not important. If the heaven in the story is a place you don’t want to be, you need to show us why: if it's a place you DO want to be, why is Gail fighting to stop Iris going there? 2. If Iris’ ‘fate’ (as in preordained destiny) is to die at 16, nothing is going to change that, so why does THIS Fate need to ask for Gail’s help? If Fate is not THAT ‘fate’, then who/what is Fate? Why isn't Gail suspicious, as the need for her help suggests it isn't really Iris' 'fate'? Isn't that a better reason for Gail to resist than shame and guilt over something she should be pleased about, especially since it also increases Gail's conflict and raises the stakes of her decision? 3. Isn't it highly unlikely that a guardian angel, even one with L-plates (you don’t say so but Gail clearly sounds like she is, which means you’ve got your point across well by showing), would expect someone to have learned 'her life’s lesson' before she’s 16? Many haven’t learned it by 60. The suggestions for changes I’ve made with question marks in the draft are because I’m not sure exactly you’re trying to say, so I’ve put forward what I think is the correct alternative. There are several other minor changes to what you wrote but I can't figure out how to mark them in here. I've made the changes, but they're not easy to spot (mainly deletions). Sorry about that. You've room to cover some of the points I've mentioned without exceeding the limits if you want to do so. I hope this helps, though I have to admit I’m better at critiquing a story than a query! I also hope it makes sense - I'm happy to discuss it further through NaNo mail/email if you wish. Gnatz PS: Are carpets particularly boring then lol? I've got a nice rug you can have.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Gnatz — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:23:05 -0600

@tereseh re I CALLED HIM GABRIEL Previous attempt to reply disappeared somewhere into the ether. If two appear, read the other one, ok? Want to take a longer look at your response. Will get back to you in NaNoMail, if you don't mind, to save taking up too much room in the forum, and I'm not sure my comments are that relevant to anyone else. I think you should rethink as you suggest. You've already got me way more interested than in your query. Love that Gail has a selfish motive for what she's going to do. Immediately makes her far more rounded character. Originally she sounded more like a petulent teen who just wants to prove everyone else wrong. Iris too is suddenly more interesting, and I care about her. She's had a rough ride and I want to see her get a break. On top of that, the stakes have been raised for both Gail and Iris, and you've given me a strong suspicion that Gail's going to learn an important life lesson too - or is an afterlife lesson in her case? :) Don't think you need to explain re guardian angels being invisible, it standard lore. Only need to cover changes. Would assume GAs can influence their protégés.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

writergirl1995 — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 14:31:39 -0600

Here's mine. Dear Agent, On July 19th, her sixteenth birthday, Jade's life turned upside down. Or inside out. Or both. In May, her life was a lot simpler. Her biggest worries were whether or not Diane saw her fit to remain part of the popular clique, and that her godparents noticed she was failing algebra. Of course, she got Keith as a tutor, and he was the best in the class. The only problem was that Diane didn't like him, while her own feelings weren't exactly in harmony with that. In June, she aced her algebra final. She was so excited that she ran to tell Keith, and he took her out to lunch. It was all going fine until she got dizzy and passed out. She woke up on the ground, alone, and staring up at a sky that lacked a sun. Things didn't get much easier when she reunited with Keith. Rubin was their self-proclaimed guide, and while his stormy gray eyes were to die for, Keith didn't seem to trust him. And after his fourth disappearance, Jade didn't really want to, either. All she wanted was to get home with Keith safely. In July, they tried unsuccessfully to escape. It seemed that the Shadows had other ideas-- ideas involving her falling in love with Rubin, and Keith dying a painful death. And on top of all this, everyone keeps whispering about the child of prophecy, the one with telekinesis-- and it's on July 19th that she realizes they're talking about her. THE DARK SIDE is a 70,000 word fantasy/adventure novel, with a bit of romance floating about. Thank you for your time.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Eyes of Fire — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:59:54 -0600

HI writer girl! Your story sounds exciting! Sorry I don't have time to critique more, but just wanted to say that the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are mostly back story and should not be included in the query. You want an agent to want to read your book, so get to the exciting information quickly! :) Hope this helps! and good luck!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

thecraftteens — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 11:22:43 -0600

Okay, if it's possible, I'd like some help with my query letter. I posted it on AbsoluteWrite, but no one responded to my letter's third incarnation, which is posted below. For sixteen-year-old Kai Morrison, having a superpower is nothing to get excited about. If he had the power to light things on fire like his best friend Jin, he’d be in better shape, but unfortunately, he’s stuck nearly blinding himself with the beams of light shooting from his palms. When Kai discovers that the new kid in town, Avyri Maykov, has electric powers, he coerces the truth out of him. And, surprisingly, Avyri not only admits to his ability but reveals how they obtained their powers in the first place: alien souls have lain dormant inside them for the past ten years. Souls that are beginning to wake up, to warn Kai and his friends of another, more malevolent alien--an impossibly pale man in a pinstripe suit who will stop at nothing to satiate his hunger for alien souls. Kai would be lying if he said he didn’t want to climb in a hole and pull the hole in after him, but the time for wimping out is over. And besides, he knows what Avyri says is true. There’s no way he can explain away the strange feeling he’s been having lately, as if some phantom sensation has taken over his body. And then there’s his mirror reflection, which keeps moving on its own…. Kai realizes that to protect himself and his family, he must go on the run with Avyri and Jin. The only way to stay alive is to keep moving, never staying in one place for long. Despite this, the man in the pinstripe suit is gaining on them, and unfortunately for Kai and friends, none of their powers will kill him. So when they come across a trio of teens with powers of their own, Kai takes it as a stroke of good luck. Only problem is, Avyri doesn’t trust them--not the way they showed up seemingly from nowhere, and not the way they keep insisting Kai and his friends follow them to their home base, the Rusty Cog, where an army of superpowered kids live and work together. There, at the Rusty Cog, is where Kai realizes he needs to be. But like Avyri, he doesn’t quite trust these kids. And yet, seeking refuge among them might be the only way to ensure his and his friends’ survival.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

iymcool — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 12:19:33 -0600

5th of March, 2012 Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS ADDRESS 1-(254)-###-#### chsjam@yahoo.com Good afternoon xxxxxxxxxxx: Sister Evelyn of the C.G. Priori lived her life sheltered and absorbed in the understanding that the Influence would always be a dream away, protecting and securing her future. All of that changes one day and shakes up Evelyn’s fifty years of devotion with the single opening of a rusted and once sealed door, leading her past her own borders, and into a world where dreams are no more reality than her own faith. PENSIVE, a debut novel of 50,100 words, thrusts the reader into a world where thoughts are controlled by the rules of a close-minded society, and consequences are extreme for those that dare to ask what lies outside their own borders. A notable work it can be compared to would be The End of Mr. Y, by Scarlett Thomas. I have a degree in psychology from the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor in Belton, Texas with an emphasis on personality theory and how it affects the individual mind as well as a collection of people. My credentials come from me taking specific courses such as: human genetics, positive psychology, developmental psychology, history and systems, statistics, experimental psychology, as well as vertebrate and invertebrate biology. I read on your bio that you have an interest in psychology and stories that deal with unusual views of the world. Despite being a debut author, I feel that even without endorsements I can surprise and intrigue you with a story that not only educates, but causes the reader’s heart to race, break, and look for repair in a world driven by old science and fearsome thought. Thank you for your time and consideration, Michael Kroll

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

grench — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:57:57 -0500

DATE Dear xx: Jennifer Miles is pursuing a master’s of fine art degree in photography at the University of Wisconsin. After a disastrous portfolio review with her academic advisory committee, who give Jennifer one last chance before being kicked out of school, she goes for a head-clearing drive in the country. Forty-five miles east of Madison, she encounters an abandoned farmstead with an enormous, red barn. Allured by its mystery, Jennifer and a ragtag group of friends work together to uncover the farm’s history, a task complicated by the amorous distractions of two new men in Jennifer’s life. Eventually, the farm’s story inspires Jennifer’s next art project, despite the protests of her advisors. Meanwhile, in 1905, Markus Baum, who runs a successful dairy breeding operation, decides he needs a new a barn. His wife, Mattie, insists he build their dream home instead, but Markus resists. It’s just another reminder of their fruitless desire for children. Then, after taking in Wim, their 17-year-old nephew, Mattie’s and Markus’s lives change forever. The depths of their love take all three on a twisting journey of desperation, heartbreak and forgiveness. As the two eras converge, Jennifer and friends learn about the fleeting nature of success while simultaneously exposing timeless truths that connect past, present and future. BARNSTORMING is an 84,000-word literary novel, a Bildungsroman, with elements of mystery, romance and historical fiction. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, MY CONTACT INFO

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

lily33 — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:47:44 -0500

Here are very good ideay, I hope they will function :).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Harriet12_3 — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 16:27:47 -0500

Not good at this sort of thing at all so need as much helps as I can get. Feel free to rip it to shreds. Dear _____ With failed exams and no intention of repeating them Jack was hoping for something, anything, to prevent himself from looking like a failure. He managed to land a spot in the band Readers Who Run. Music is not his passion but a few pub gigs is better than nothing. Olly and Maria, former couple turned bandmates, have bigger ideas. For Maria it is all or nothing, she has dreamed her whole life of making it big and she’s not the type to give up without a fight. Olly with his lazy smile and laid back attitude seems as if he was born to be a rockstar. He acts like he thinks so too. Cherie, born and raised on the Aran Islands, eats, breathes and sleeps music. A career in music is her conservative parents’ worst nightmare but Cherie believes in being herself wholeheartedly no matter the consequences. But is being a band really part of who she is. All with different motivations and hopes of what they will achieves Readers Who Run are thrown head first into the wild word of the music industry. They are faced with blood-thirsty press, dismissive publicists, life on the road, love, heart break, fame hungry fangirls and themselves. Nowhere Left to Run is a contemporary YA novel 84,000 words in length. Enclosed find whatever it is the agency requires for submission. Thank you for your time and consideration. Yours sincerely Harriet12_3

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fornwalt — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 22:25:59 -0500

Here's mine! Any help is much obliged! :D -------------------------------------------------- Dear [agent], Annabelle Bowen was supposed to be a perfectly proper English lady, find a perfectly amiable husband, and live the perfectly acceptable role of a gentry housewife. Then pirates attacked. After five disorderly years, she’s now Captain Anne Bowen, and her days are spent supervising a motley crew of very uncivilized men. She’s learned to fight and gamble and dance drunken jigs, and her life couldn’t be better. Until the day she orders the capture of Le Soleil Doré, a tantalizing French flagship, and discovers the furious Monsieur Bordeaux in the captain’s quarters and the exasperatingly charming James Kelley locked in the brig. She maroons them both on a longboat, but when she finds Kelley in the Williamsburg jail weeks later Anne realizes that this is only the beginning. And when Le Soleil Doré, and her loyal crew aboard it, go missing, she embarks on a voyage riddled with deception to get them back. LIBERTY AND DEATH is complete at 55,000 words. It is historical young adult fiction with a pint of romance and a tankard of rum. I would love to submit a full manuscript upon your request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you! Sincerely, fornwalt

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Harriet12_3 — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:31:10 -0500

Thanks. I don't know what happened with the commas, I'm usually better with grammar. No worries though as long as only people on here saw it and no any agents. Thanks for all your help.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

louisebrooks — Thu, 03 May 2012 14:00:31 -0500

Please help! Dear [agent], Constance has been fired from her part time job, has a horrible hangover, and is dreading the start of sixth form. But she is being haunted by the ghost of her best friend Serena and nothing could make her happier. Serena was the best person on the planet- until she took her own life that is. Now Serena’s back from the dead, Constance hopes that everything will be back to normal. Unfortunately, Serena is not the only one who has escaped the afterlife. The locals start disappearing in increasingly gory ways and Constance has a near-miss with a knife-wielding monster in the woods. And when she finds a detailed sketch of the monster in Serena’s old bedroom she has to confront the possibility that Serena is mixed up in it. And to top it all, Queen Bee Bryony is blaming Constance for Serena’s suicide- right in front of the oh so gorgeous Will. Constance has to stand up for herself and confront her guilt over Serena’s suicide to save the town. And just maybe, she’ll make some new friends. WHEN THE SHADOWS FALL is a 60,000 word YA supernatural novel.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ZackKaufen — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:01:33 -0500

[This is probably bad, please be harsh and scathing as you like, I really want to nail this query letter. I'd also like to add that my novel changes between two different point of view, and I was unsure how to incorporate this into the query. Advice would be really really awesome.] Dear Agent, Parabol Forschmensh: the most highly skilled and intensely loyal soldier this side of the galactic spiral. That is, until he is unfairly booted from the military. All Parabol knows is how to follow orders, and fortunately he finds this void in his life filled when he is promptly recruited by galactic entrepreneur Winston Horlinster. In his new role Parabol must broaden his horizons, and travel far away from his home planet to worlds definitively alien to him. His task is to retrieve rare and ancient artefacts for his boss, no matter who stands in his way. From tearing his way through shape-shifting aliens to capture a galactic fugitive, to infiltrating renowned terrorist cells, he finds himself up against violent opposition wherever he travels. Meanwhile, professional burglars Anthony and Bard are also contracted by Winston, to kidnap an immortal man. They are promised riches beyond their dreams, but quickly find every galactic law enforcement agency out there pursuing them. They have trouble remaining hidden whilst simultaneously keeping hold of their cumbersome quarry. As time goes on, Parabol's path crosses with Anthony, Bard, and more of Winston's contractors. As the missions become more questionable, and his allies more suspect, Parabol begins to be plagued with curiosity about what his employer's end goal actually is. At the same time, Bard begins to have his own doubts about the ethics of handing over their prisoner. It takes an entire planet's civilisation to be wiped out before their loyalty finally wavers, and Parabol must decide between following orders and doing the right thing. The only question remains is whether he has done so in time to put a stop to a plan already in motion. SPACE CARNIVAL is a 100,000 word science-fiction novel. It is my first novel. Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.  Sincerely,

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lisa Taylor — Mon, 21 May 2012 10:08:24 -0500

Hi everyone! I was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my query letter. Thanks in advance, and I promise to look around the forum and pay it forward! :) Dear Agent, When a powerful crystal necklace jumps from Rachael’s dreams into real life, echoed by a desperate plea, her world is turned upside down. Add in a book with no writing, a vanishing thief and a faery named Ki, and Rachael soon doubts her sanity. Of course the townspeople have always doubted. Being a prodigy in an oppressive society is tough, but it’s nothing compared to the strange powers that are thrust upon Rachael when she puts on the necklace. Soon driven from her town, Rachael’s time is spent just trying to survive. Yet she can’t ignore the questions that arise. There are similarities between her crystal and Satu Fae; the illegal fairy tale book she has kept hidden for years. And who is the strange man living in an ancient ruin, secretly drawing townspeople into the woods? As an exile, Rachael has no way to warn the people of the darkness growing in the forest. As faithful followers of Shendi, God of Order, they don’t believe in magic. They can’t see the thousands of spirits trapped in nothingness. But if Rachael and her friends can’t stop impending disaster, the townspeople may witness the spirits’ desire to live once more; no matter the cost. Crystallized, a fantasy for young adults is complete at 85,000 words and has been professionally edited. I can be contacted at authorlmtaylor@zoho.com Thank you for your time and consideration, Sincerely, Lisa M. Taylor

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:19:34 -0600

What does a query letter need to include? How do you start one? What kind of tone do you use? Thanks. I'm a newbie to this step of the book biz. I'm not sure I'll ever send one out in my life, and if I do it'll be purely out of curiosity. Still, why not know as much as I can, just in case?

Re: Query Letter...Bleamy's Corner

itobias — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 15:53:59 -0500

In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver and their memories behind and head toward London to find a better life. But all Jeremy finds is dishonesty, violence and death. As he watches his father die of consumption and his mother take her own life, Jeremy is evicted from their flat, left alone to fend for himself on the streets of London. Forced to becomes a squatter, he occupies a vacant space between two buildings, and earns a living as a lamp lighter, lighting the way for men seeking entertainment on the rough night streets. The job pays a livable wage, but as the Duke Street Boys muscles in, demanding a sizable cut, Jeremy must pit his wits against them, and a growing list of foes, who are eager to prey on his vulnerability and no less worrisome of whom are the orphan hunters, who want to enslave him. He all but comes undone, when he returns home late one evening to find his shelter burning to the ground and the hunters waiting for him. Unbeknownst to Jeremy – his neighbors have been watching him and they have developed strong opinions about this brave little orphan. Jeremy has surprises for them all, for never had this neighborhood seen such a lad of inspiring determination and bravery. BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of historical fiction, at 76,000-words.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lady Writer — Thu, 03 May 2012 09:58:01 -0500

Murder, romance,and intrigue are the driving forces in Chance Double a 80,000 word romantic suspense novel Forever, it seemed Connie Carraway had serached for her father. Father was in prison. Prison is where her mind is. Is the breakdown of her car the way she found love? Love broadsided her. Her heart melted for a guy. Guy was Chance Double. Double was mentally ill. Ill in a pschycotic murderous abyss. Abyss he couldn't overcome. Overcome with love she does evil things. Things that put her in hell. Hell is hot. Hot like a furnance. Furnance of love. Love like nothing she'd ever felt. Felt it had all been a chance. Chance Double, forever. What do you think about this query? Any feedback appreciated.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flowingwords1 — Mon, 07 May 2012 19:38:01 -0500

I just recently completed my novel, and just completed the query letter (which was much harder than the novel). So here goes, any type of criticism would be appreciated, thanks. Dear ___________ A few drops of blood on a black rose and a note attached which read: “Your feelings of love grow deeper, but for him it’s not the same. Turn away now, or forever will your heart be consumed with pain.” was just one of the few, eerie warnings Dana Thelan received from a beautiful, mysterious girl that had been haunting her in her waking hours and in dreams. Dana ignores the warnings and ends up with a broken heart. Now with pain coursing through her body, she is visited by that same mysterious girl who is later revealed to be a Fury of Love, a brutal avenger of broken hearts. She passes on her curse to Dana, and as the days progress Dana finds her body going through drastic changes, and acquires an unyielding urge to kill the one who hurt her. Loosely based on the Furies of Roman Mythology, Hell Hath No Fury is set in the fictional town of Roseburn, Virginia. It is my first novel of 63,000 words, possibly targeted toward the older readers of the young adult, urban fantasy/suspense genre and I have just begun working on a new book, which interweaves aspects of fairy-tale and fantasy. As stated by your website's current submission guidelines, I have ______________. A full manuscript is available upon your request. Many thanks for your time and consideration. Sincerely,

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lisa Taylor — Mon, 21 May 2012 09:51:33 -0500

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:46:22 -0600

[quote=Anahlynn] I guess I'll get the ball rolling. :) Dear [Insert Name Here] Dead bodies are clogging the streets of Stateside. Lower ~~classed~~ Class citizens scrounge the streets for meager scraps to eat and the last patch of green land was sold in 2102. With a rapid increase in population, the Stateside officials decide to enact an unused law, Protocol Sancei: incase [wrong spelling--proof read BEFORE posting... if you sent this to an agent that's a strike. Don't depend on your critiquers to catch stupid mistakes.] of overpopulation, eliminate. Citizens who don't contribute to society are now struck down in their homes, their lives worth nothing. [In the words of Miss Snark: Your query starts here. I don't connect to setting--I connect to character and character interaction with setting.] Ciannon, a budding young musician, is in a constant fight or his life. With thousands of teens also training to be musicians, he fights for the right to live. Working at Everander's, a high-class restaurant bordering on prostitution, he comes into contact with Emily Bronx, presidential candidate and Ciannon's personal stalker. Rejecting her latest advances, he finds his family name on the Elimination list. [Sentence has grammar issues and goes into too many clauses and dead ends.] ~~Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.~~ [Cliches don't belong in query letters. You're fighting each sentence for the agent not to put it down--don't waste their time.] Watching both of his mothers die, Ciannon flees to his only known relative: his donor father, head of Marxis, a secret organization dedicated to overthrowing Stateside government. Thrown into the role of secretary for presidential candidate Liam Wentworth, a secret Marxis, he's dragged into a power struggle that will decide the future of Stateside.[this muddles the conflict] REBEL is a 90,000 word thriller that explores a world in which a right to life is only measured in usefulness. Thank you for your time, [My Name] Well, have at! [/quote] See the post below you: Read more query letters, read Katie Mac's questions, answer why it is special, pick one central conflict, and read the terms. The reality is that in Nanowrimo land it is all squishy and field of dreams type--they will come if you build it... but then reality is that you'll be smacked a new one once you try to publish and your modes switch. You have 100 rejections to aim for, so you have to suck it up a little. Switch from Sadist to Masochist... You can't afford to be lazy or make mistakes and you shouldn't rely 100% on critiquers to clean up after you. (though not to Anne Rice Level where you famously say you don't need an editor... enraging a community of fans while you get the definition of Defamation and slander mixed up...) Research and put your best foot forward.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:38:12 -0600

Just a minor note about the last parg: he isn't watching his mothers die while he flees. It should read, "AFTER watching..." just a minor mistake :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ChaplynKimry — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:20:27 -0600

My, my! That sounds absolutely LOVELY!! What a good book idea! I hope to read it one day. :-)

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:35:45 -0600

Sorry, bold didn't hold up. =P

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

FlameRaven — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:19:29 -0600

I cannot recommend queryshark's blog enough. She gives excellent advice and it's really helpful to look at all the queries on there and see which ones succeeded. Plus it's just entertaining reading. :)

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:56:34 -0600

Fantastic advice! Thanks so much. I'm still editing my manuscript but hopefully this forum will still be open for critiques when I reach this point.

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

rowlek — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:17:38 -0600

I am sure you are correct in your suggestion that authors finish editing before sending a query letter but I would like to know the reasons why they should. Given the dismal chance of even a very good writer getting an agent from an unsolicited query for any particular work, wouldn't it make sense to start sending query letters as soon as the first draft is completed while they work on editing? Then again I am one of those people who thinks traditional publishing is a bad deal for most authors when you look at the pay per hour of work, even without the problems of getting an agent and getting published.

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

a.j.d — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:49:29 -0600

Thanks for the valuable tips and links!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:34:38 -0600

Thank you for your critique! You probably don't care to know, but I'm kind of a writing masochist. I just love when people tell me my writing is crap, just means I have to try harder to prove them wrong. I don't plan on publishing any time soon, so I have a lot of time to work on my query writing skills. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

creatorx2 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:01:11 -0600

Ugh, the hook is too narrative. It goes on for too long. Plus it's already over-simplified. Uggghhh.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:28:26 -0600

Thoughts: This feels very bland; it doesn't really tell me what the story is. You want to quickly establish who your character(s) are and what the conflict is. Don't generalize this. Also, make your sentences more active. Something more like this: "Travel was one of the last children born to her world, a world where the dead walk and prey on the living. Now 18, she is sent to a remote island country separate from the rest of the world. This island supposedly holds the key to removing the curse of the dead." Gives the same information without all those very long, complicated sentences. All those characters make for nice descriptions, but it's just a list. We don't know who they are or why they're important to the plot. Probably you should only mention one or two of them that add to the conflict. Also, what is the choice that she is forced to make? What are the aspects of herself that get in the way? You need to tell us these things to set up the conflict; show us why and what she will be forced to choose. Be specific, don't just use vague generalities. What I've picked up from QueryShark is that you query first and then send pages if the agent/editor requests them, so you probably don't need the bit about returning the manuscript.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:18:11 -0600

Then fix it before posting? We can't fix what we don't know about.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:43:39 -0600

Wrong voice--try reading other query letters. It really does help.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:15:30 -0600

Okay this is my first time critiquing a query, so I apologize if I screw up. [quote=Learned] Any help would be appreciated! Obviously I'm far away from my final edit, but you can use the query letter in the search for fellow nanowrimo critiquers... Dear {Person}, {Agent specific paragraph} ~~Set in England at the dawn of the first millennium A.D., The Lady of Shalott is the story of a young man who encounters a legendary woman living in an invisible tower.~~ This goes at the end. But every legend has a grain of fact …Remove the "but" and this would have been a nice opening sentence, in my opinion. ~~The book combines sci-fi and historical fiction, lending a modern twist to the classic Tennyson poem and a literary flavor to the teen paranormal romance genre.~~ Goes at the end It takes the perspective of Arthur, a Celtic boy living with his family in Saxon England, just before the Norman Conquest of 1066. After a chance encounter, he strikes up a rare friendship with The Lady of Shalott. Known throughout the region for her lovely disembodied voice, she has never been seen by human eyes, despite the best efforts of search parties commissioned by powerful kings. Arthur learns that the Lady is related to his namesake, King Arthur. Furthermore, he realizes that the powerful half-human figures of King Arthur and Merlin are not magical wizards, but instead visitors from space, part of an ancient race that has used advanced technology to manipulate human history for thousands of years. As the country descends into madness and war, Arthur falls in love with the Lady of Shalott and risks everything to save her if he can. Er. Basically I would delete all of this and start over. All you're doing is telling me what happens(boy do I sound like a giant hypocrite). It's boring. A query is suppose to be informative, but interesting like the back of a book cover. {Qualifications} If you do this make sure the qualifications are relevant. Self-publishing is best left unmentioned unless it became a bestseller. Sincerely yours, Learned [/quote] I agree with Kimberly Dawn about the voice. From what I've read, the query letter is suppose to sound like the blurb on the back of the book, not like a boring research paper(no offense).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:15:45 -0600

[quote=NikoleStorm] Dear Ms. Blank: I read on (website) that your agency was highly recommended. I also read that your company is interested in young adult fiction novels. I think that you may be interested in my book Betrayal. It is fifty one thousand words long. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript for my book and consider representing me. fiction novel is an oxymoron--in this case more moron than oxy. Fiction book==novel. Also this line should be used for things such as, "I met you in person at a convention and I got to know you well. You remember we talked about Greek Mythology over Spaghetti? You asked me to submit my manuscript." OR "I read on your website that you just bought book X and I have a similar book that I think will appeal to the same readership." Which always makes agent's spines tingle. Sixteen-year-old Compound adjective gets hyphens. Nikole Smith’s life ~~has been an unstable mess constantly moving from town to town, that is until she arrives in the small town of Ripley, West Virginia.~~ This is not a hook. Ordinary girl in an ordinary life who happens to move a lot. No conflict or what makes this special. ~~Just when she and her father start settling down she starts to notice strange things.~~ Too nebulous. You're fighting the agent to read the next sentence. Don't waste space trying to get to the point. While running from creatures she would have never thought existed[,] dependent clause, so it gets a comma. she continues crossing paths with a ~~mysterious handsome~~ Show, don't tell. Why does she feel this way--detail it, don't describe it. gypsy who ~~seems to know dark secrets of her family’s past.~~ Hitting the "all too mysterious" trope, but nothing to latch onto as unique. ~~All the while she’s oblivious to the fact that a grim future lies ahead for her and those around her.~~ Same as previous comment. Here, I ask, so what, if I were an agent, I'd quit here. I need your what makes this special waaaayyy before this point. By here you should have cinched the deal and told what your conflict really is. ~~Betrayal shows us a girl who goes through many things. Even in the worst situations trying to keep her family happy.~~ Too nebuous. I don't care. Whether it be lycans or vampires, Nikole triumphs over most, being courageous until something she would have never imagined happens and turns her outlook on everything completely around. Previous is not a conflict. Amp up the conflict. I am twenty and Betrayal is my first book, although I have been writing since I was about thirteen. There is another book to follow this that I am currently writing and it is undecided whether there will be a third. I also have a couple of books in the making on different topics. Read the post above this on "Query letter basics." It specifically says not to do this, plus if you don't trust me, the links from professional agents and editors echo the same thing. You can have 10 stories published in your high school newspaper and it counts for crap. ~~I would be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review.~~Makes you sound like you don't have a complete manuscript yet. No good. Manuscript is understood to be complete when you send it to the agent, if it is not, then you are wasting the agent's time and that pisses off an agent more than you probably want to know. (I've read rants on the subject. Thank you for your time and I hope to ~~be hearing~~ from you. My best regards, N. Storm Nichols [/quote] Grammar errors, you missed reading some of the Thou Shalt Nots and your query letter suffers from it. And it's clear you haven't read previous query letters. Read at least through Query Shark, if not Miss Snark. If you really have to skip both, then at least skim through the you shouldn'ts in the third major post. The ability to read and follow directions and the free advice on query letters will boost your chances from getting out of the 80-90% of people who can't read instructions. Remember, you are fighting the 0.001% chance with an agent and it's even worse with a publisher (0.0001% chance--though some think this is generous.) This may seem brutal... but it gets much harder from here.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:46:35 -0600

I read on (website) that your agency was highly recommended. I also read that your company is interested in young adult fiction novels. I think that you may be interested in my book Betrayal. It is fifty one thousand words long. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript for my book and consider representing me. The first two sentances are vague - if you personalize a query, make sure it's something that couldn't be said of every other agent. Also, I've read that your suppost to use numbers for your word length (51,000 words) so the agent can find it easier. I'm not sure hom much agents care - certainly it wouldn't (or shouldn't) be enough to make them reject you, but its something to keep in mind.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

creatorx2 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:45:23 -0600

Well that was my thoughts after re-reading it. Putting it in here changed the tangible way that I viewed it. Before it got pasted in here, I was looking at it from an architect or engineer's point of view, but now I can see it from more of a building inspector's. One of those mean building inspectors, too, the kind that slaps 'out of order' on an elevator with a faded button.

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:08:01 -0600

I was going to donate the post to DragonChilde with a license for Nanowrimo specifically since it's pretty much a collection of the comments made by most of the people who've been doing this for a few years (though the organization and wording is mine specifically)... but it wasn't posted December 1st... so I had to rush it in. ^^;; The crappy thing is that I've gotten really good at query letters and critiques, but my manuscripts aren't up to snuff yet. --;; (I depressingly got a partial request from an agent for my query critiques... rather than my query.) Another forum...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:40:24 -0600

Two comments about my post since it doesn't appear that I can edit it. There's a typo in the {} portion, there should be an "an" following "that is" and I seem to have misplaced it. Also there seems to be much debate on if you should include similar works, so I've place them in the tentative portion and would welcome feedback on the issue.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:16:00 -0600

Guess I'll take another shot at this whole critiquing thing. :) [quote=zoed] Hi! I tend to be concise so I'm curious if this is too short, too boring, too vague, or any other comments. Thanks. Dear [Agent] [Personalization for Agent] For seventeen-year-old Shayla, the surgery changed everything. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, Shayla has to figure out who she is when she's not the sickgirl. This seems a little wordy and awkward. Is it really necessary that we know her exact age? We can probably deduce that she's in high school. I get no emotions from this character and I wonder why I should care. The last sentence seems like you're attempting to be dramatic, but it fails. Ithink it would be better if you used it towards the end of your query instead of the beginning. ~~There are also some mysterious voice messages from her absentee father to consider, and the incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name.~~ You just just glide over these problems as if they're no big deal when you should expand on them. Mysterious voice message from her father? Interesting. Explain that more. The art class she's in by default turns out to offer an outlet for her emotions she never expected, especially when she becomes friends with talented Lilah. Wait, what? You were just talking about mysterious messages and handsome boys when you did a complete 180. Your query needs to connect. With the support of her new friend, Shayla starts to realize that maybe she can finally be happy; if only she can admit to herself that she deserves it, and come to terms with the fact that being sick can be more than just a state of health. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. ~~{Crohn's disease is an intestinal disease that is uncovered topic in YA literature despite its frequent onset during teen years and at least half a million affected individuals in North America.~~ On most agent blogs I've read, agents hate when the the author assumes they don't know something. I believe QueryShark said, "If you've managed to capture my attention one little google click couldn't hurt." SICKGIRL is perfect for fans of Sara Zarr and Laurie Halse Anderson.} Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] {} I'm not sure if this portion should be included because of the lesser known nature of an important component of my story. I know agents have Google, but I'm concerned they'll just pass over something they don't immediately understand. [/quote] Your main problem seems to be that your query doesn't have a voice. I have the exact same problem so I understand(see first query). I'm not sure about the name dropping. Agent either love it or hate it. I hoped I helped in some way, shape or form. P.S. I would suggest going to this link and reading the query there. It got a yes from QueryShark on the first go so it's worth your time. Read ME

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Mutive — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:44:33 -0600

My 2 c. [quote=zoed] For seventeen-year-old Shayla, the surgery changed everything. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, Shayla has to figure out who she is when she's not the sick I think you need a space here girl. I personally like this intro, as to me this is an interesting set up, which hasn't been over done to the point of irritation in my mind. There are also some mysterious voice messages from her absentee father to consider, and the incredibly handsome boy in her English class- if only she knew his name. The art class she's in by default turns out to offer an outlet for her emotions she never expected, especially when she becomes friends with talented Lilah. With the support of her new friend, Shayla starts to realize that maybe she can finally be happy; if only she can admit to herself that she deserves it, and come to terms with the fact that being sick can be more than just a state of health. This is a huge character dump to me. I have no idea who any of these people are, or why I should care about them. I'd remove most of them, and stick to the main plot. What is the main thing we're supposed to care about? The boy? The friend? The father? Figure it out and leave it there. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. {Crohn's disease is an intestinal disease that is uncovered topic in YA literature despite its frequent onset during teen years and at least half a million affected individuals in North America. SICKGIRL is perfect for fans of Sara Zarr and Laurie Halse Anderson.} I'm not sure that you need to explain what Crohn's disease is. If the agent doesn't know, he/she can look it up. Otherwise, to me this feels faintly patronizing. (Like, why wouldn't I know what it is?) I'd also leave out "this is perfect for fans of..." just because it feels as though you're telling me what to think about your book, which I, as a reader, don't particularly like. I want to make up my own mind as to whether it's perfect for me. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] {} I'm not sure if this portion should be included because of the lesser known nature of an important component of my story. I know agents have Google, but I'm concerned they'll just pass over something they don't immediately understand. [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:20:56 -0600

Very helpful already! I completely see what you mean, I was trying to capture interest by not giving too many details but it seems I've gone too far in the opposite direction. My character definitely has a voice, it's a first person narrative, so I just need to figure out how to get them into my query better. Thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:22:22 -0600

[quote=zoed] Query Try #2 (Since I got such helpful feedback the first time, now with major edits). Dear [Agent] [Personalization for Agent] ~~The surgery~~ Specify the type of surgery--heart, skin grafts, etc. changed everything for Shayla. Before, she'd been too preoccupied with the chronic pain from her Crohn's disease to worry about normal teenage things like friends and boys. Now, she can’t keep her eyes off of the ~~mysterious and incredibly handsome~~ All too mysterious disease. Give him a personality. boy in her English class- Hyphen is not a dash. Keep them straight. if only she knew his name. The talented Lilah befriends her in art class, and with the support of her new friend Shayla begins to open herself up to a life she never believed was possible. Soon, Shayla realizes that being sick is more than just a state of health and if she wants to be happy she’ll have to take risks, starting with a first date. If that wasn’t enough to keep her busy, there’s also her absentee father who after seventeen neglectful years wants Shayla to start spending time with him- and his new pregnant wife. Shayla has to decide if she’s willing to take a gamble on friendship, love, and family. She can only hope that her Crohn’s stays in remission long enough to figure out who she is if she’s not the sickgirl. Focus on a central conflict. Is it discovering love while having Crohn's disease? What are the stakes involved and what should happen if she fails? Is there a raising of stakes or a rock and a hard place? SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] [/quote] This will sound really mean, but I've heard far more cruel things: Step back for at least a day after a critique. You are likely to miss things. I know sometimes I'm tempted to change it right after I get a critique, but I found out that I tend to dismiss comments and don't look at the deeper issues when I do a quick turn around. I agree with the previous critiques that you're missing key ingredients--you need personality. I have no sense if I will like the main character beyond the fact she has a disease, but the disease shouldn't define who she is--I don't really care. What I care about is the conflict she will face and if she can overcome it. Example conflicts would be, she has Crohn's disease, discovered a boy in her class, but is afraid to be treated as fragile, so she tries to hide it from him. That's a conflict I can latch onto... especially if you flesh out the guy in the next few to make him conflicted, but likable. If you add voice on top of that, it will make it special rather than run of the mill and then you probably can cinch that deal. Answer the three questions when you rewrite it--though don't make it obvious you're doing so.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:55:32 -0600

The query seems to be about Shayla learning to accept love. Try connecting everything to that - her first friend, first date, and her father coming back into her life. Help us see how they all connect in her life.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:31:14 -0600

Thanks! That's not mean at all, it's extremely helpful and I really appreciate the advice (which I will take into account in a couple days when I return to working on it with fresh eyes).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:47:21 -0600

Sorry, the first parg was a quote - theres just formatting issues.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

NikoleStorm — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:15:19 -0600

Thank you!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:09:08 -0600

That's exactly what my novel is about! Wow. Thanks for the comment, sometimes it is hard to see when you are so close to things which is why I've given working on this query a break but I'm definitely going to take your note into account when I go back to it. Appreciate the comment immensely!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:49:21 -0600

I'm not a fan of the begining. I think the query would be much stronger if you began with the second parg. Also, when I scanned the first sentance, I thought for a second that the truck was the one wearing pants. I'd like a little more details. What you have looks interesting, but I'm not sure exactly what's going on. Why was she framed for murder? What does FMC doubt about their political underpinnings? Why is it a problem? Why can't she extricate herself? Most importantly, what does she want? Shes exploring her beliefs, but what does she hope to accomplish and how is she trying to achieve it?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:24:34 -0600

[quote=Kayth] I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy, CURSEMARKED, complete at 50,000 words.[/quote] Put this information at the end; start with your query. [quote]Alana never used to believe that she and her siblings were cursed, despite the cursemarks on their skin and the way her birth killed their mother. But in the past seven months, they've watched four people die. Even if the deaths were all accidents, theres no explanation for the way the three siblings always manage to survive. Even her brother, who wasn't suppost to reach six months, is nineteen years old and still breathing. Lately, Alana isn't sure what to believe, but she knows they can never risk letting another person get close to them. Curse or no curse, it'll just lead to another grave.[/quote] This is vague and contradictory. Why wouldn't she believe they are cursed if they have something called "cursemarks"? You can convey all this information more directly and succinctly. Try something like: "Alana has watched four people die in the last seven months. She'd always been told the marks on her family's skin were a curse, but she didn't believe it until now. It's enough to make her paranoid about getting close to anyone else-- they might just end up in a grave, too." I don't know if you want to talk about how they all miraculously escape... it seems to muddle the issue and make them seem lucky rather than cursed. [quote] Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Iris smoothtalked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's never quite sure of anything when Iris is around. Half the time, Alana thinks she's wonderfull. The rest of the time, she can't believe that anyone that kind could actually exist. Worse, it's like she's changing into a different person – someone whio smiles for no reason and hugs complete strangers. Alana hates this new, idiotic version of herself. And when she finally confides in her sister, her memories of their day-to-day life are completely different that Alana's.[/quote] This is confusing. You seem to describe Iris as both wonderful and as "anyone that kind" but then you say that it's Alana that is being incredibly kind and out of character. Maybe: "Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Irish smooth-talked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's not sure about most of her memories. When she talks with her sister, she discovers that their memories of their day-to-day life are completely different. Worse, Alana finds herself acting in ways she never would, losing her inhibitions about people and even hugging complete strangers." [quote]Alana knows for a fact that Iris is behind these changes, but she still can't convince herself that it's true. And it might not matter, because the magic thats twisting their minds is also the only thing keeping her brother alive. And theres a way to save him for good – to cure both his disibility and his cursemarked skin, allowing him to live without being a constant source of fear to everyone. Alana only needs to die in his place. After everything she's seen, it doesn't sound like a bad deal. [/quote] Again, contradictory. How can Alana both "know for a fact" it is Iris and also "can't convince herself" of that fact? What is her brother's disability? How is he a constant source of fear to people? WHY would Alana be so easily willing to die for her brother? That's a big choice to make. And what is Iris' motivation in these things? All of these things are the core of your plot, and you are throwing them in as a random side note at the end. I would try to combine your first two paragraphs, setting up the curse and Iris' presence, and try to present more of your plot-critical information after that.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Geolie — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:15:39 -0600

Nice...really good points, especially about the pants-wearing truck. HA! I'll try again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:52:34 -0600

Thanks for the critique!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:01:42 -0600

I agree with the critique and would also add that I find the introduction of Iris abrupt and slightly confusing, I would start with how Iris befriending them, and then say that she is the exception to their past experiences. I'm also unsure why the main character hates that she is being kind to strangers? Is it because she feels she's lost control of her own mind? Being nice isn't intuitively a bad thing so I would make it clearer why she feels this way.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:07:29 -0600

[quote=zoed] Trying again a few days later! Would definitely appreciate comments on the revised version, this is a completely new experience for me and I definitely want to make my query as good as possible. Dear [Agent], [Personalization for Agent] After years of chronic pain from Crohn’s disease, a bowel resection gives Shayla her first shot at a normal teenage life. ~~A sarcastic and creative girl~~ Don't tell us she's a strong, creative girl, show us. , ~~Shayla soon finds unexpected pleasure in her art class, encouraged by an unconventional teacher who tells her to enjoy the process rather than worry about the end result.~~ This has nothing to do with the rest of your query, why is it here? The joy of being in remission is tampered by the fact that while Shayla is ready to experience the world, she has nobody to do it with. Shayla doesn’t lack opportunities for companionship, she just has to decide if she is ready to take the risk: ready to go on a first date with the geeky but adorable Travis, ready to swap secrets with the artistic and quietly rebelling Lilah, and maybe even ready to let her father back into her life. However, nobody is satisfied with the tiny sliver of herself Shayla is willing to share, and she’s faced with either giving more of herself to others or deciding that her disease and its constantly looming threat of relapse means she’s better off alone. Every step Shayla takes towards more intimate relationships with the people in her life opens her up to more potential hurt, and for a girl who has spent so many years in pain, <-- comma learning to accept love may be her biggest trial yet. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] [/quote] This is miles better from your first query, but I still find it dull. As I read this there's nothing that makes me want to crack open your book and find out more about Shayla. There doesn't seem to be a major plot besides Shayla getting over her fears. The voice is the most important thing and it's just not shining through here. My advice: Read more query's, analyze the way they're formatted and try to copy it. Like I said before, go to this link: YA Query and analyze it then try to copy the format. If it got a yes from Query Shark then it's worth the effort. You might want to check this one out as well : YA Query Cruise around Query Sharks blog and see what she's saying. It helps a lot, in my opinion.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:51:10 -0600

Thanks so much! I guess I understand my story so well that I forget that nobody else lives in my brain... But i'm glad to know what to clarify!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:09:12 -0600

Gah! Stupid links not working. http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2010/05/160-for-win.html http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2010/12/191.html

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:10:32 -0600

Thanks for the links and advice, glad to hear it's improving at least! Is there supposed to be a major plot besides her getting over her fears? I mean there are subplots but I thought that you wanted to focus on one thing for the query, and the major purpose of this story is about her learning to let herself be open to love, and the obstacles that stand in the way. I definitely see what you mean about voice, hopefully I can manage to nail that down in my next draft. Thanks again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:59:04 -0600

Your welcome. Without the backing up of a good voice, the main plot comes across as dull. If Shayla's voice was more defined I'd probably be cheering for her and pathetically waiting for the release date. It's all about how you present your story. As it is now, I feel like your book would be a dull tale about some girl afraid to love. Good luck with your next query and I hope you're having fun on Query Shark!

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:53:38 -0600

All query's are unsolicited if sent to an agent. Unless you know someone who knows someone who knows an agent, 99.9% of all the query's agents read are from new-no name writers. A first draft is usually, on principle, quite bad and needs to sit in a drawer somewhere for a couple of weeks before editing it with new eyes. What seemed good at the beginning might now be embarrasing to you. Would you really want to send that out for a professional to see? I'm also of the opinion that agents are busy people and to waste their time with an unfinished story is rude. Finish the story, THEN write your query a couple of times before sending it out. If you believe that writers have little chance of getting published, why would it make a difference if you sent out a query as soon as you finish? Based on your views, it's hopeless either way. If you're the type only looking to get paid and become rich and famous then yeah, traditional publishing is not for you, but if you're like me and just want to share your book with the world, but would never self-publish, traditional is the way to go.

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

rowlek — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:15:35 -0600

Do query letters always include a manuscript then? I was under the impression that they were just a query asking if the agent would be open to considering a novel with the following premis, not spamming my whole novel to them. I might include a chapter or two to let the agent get a feel for my writing, but sending the whole thing seems to be rude and a waste until I have received a reply that they are at least open to if not fully interested in seeing my novel. Thus I was sort of viewing sending out query letters as a way to test the water and see if a particular book is even worth editing through.

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

rowlek — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:28:03 -0600

It's not so much about getting rich or famous (yuck) but my time is limited and valuable for other reasons (two kids that will only be young once to start with) and if I am going to put a LOT of time into editing something I need to know it will be worth it somehow. Many (not necessarily most, but a significant number) people who write for nano and would like to be a professional writer, (not me but I am one of the lucky ones who loves their job) and if you want to be a professional that means you need to be realistic about the money side of things and approach writing in a businesslike manner. That includes calculating what the cost in time is of editing a current work verses starting a new one and which of these is a better business decision. I think getting a manuscript to an ok state, polishing up just the first few chapters to a submittable state, then starting a new work while you try to sell the first, is a valid and good business plan. Having more / different products to sell increases your chances of selling any of your products.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:17:02 -0600

Thanks so much! I am. I've been thinking really hard about how to get Shayla's voice into the query better. This is my latest attempt and I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts! I'm sure it's not perfect but I am starting to be much happier with it. Hopefully I'm not deluded! Dear [Agent], [Personalization for Agent] Shayla’s an onlooker in her own life, her body just a piece of meat ready for whatever slicing and dicing her doctor and mother agree on. Then a bowel resection takes away a part of Shayla forever, but successfully puts her Crohn’s disease in remission. When the circus ring of surgery and her time as an inmate at the hospital are finished, she realizes that something more than intestines is missing from her life: the love and friendship she’s always longed for. Shayla begins dating Travis, an adorable and science-loving boy, but underneath their bliss she is constantly reminded of the brokenness that lurks and the fact that she will always be damaged, unable to be put back together. Normal is a costume Shayla’s put on, and despite the illusion her body does not forget the truth. With the threat of relapse constant, she decides it would be better for Travis to find somebody uninjured and complete. Shayla breaks up with Travis, but he refuses to give up on her. Soon Shayla begins to realize that as difficult as being sick is, opening herself up and learning to accept the love of others may be her biggest struggle yet. Only this time, she’s the one in control. SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:46:28 -0600

[quote=zoed] Thanks so much! I am. I've been thinking really hard about how to get Shayla's voice into the query better. This is my latest attempt and I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts! I'm sure it's not perfect but I am starting to be much happier with it. Hopefully I'm not deluded! Dear [Agent], [Personalization for Agent] Shayla’s an onlooker in her own life, her body just a piece of meat ready for whatever slicing and dicing her doctor and mother agree on.Awesome opening sentence Then a bowel resection takes away a part of Shayla forever, but successfully puts her Crohn’s disease in remission. When the circus ring of surgery and her time as an inmate at the hospital are finished, she realizes that something more than intestines is missing from her life: the love and friendship she’s always longed for. Shayla begins dating Travis, an adorable and science-loving boy, but underneath their bliss she is constantly reminded of the brokenness that lurks and the fact that she will always be damaged, unable to be put back together. Normal is a costume Shayla’s put on, and despite the illusion,comma her body does not forget the truth. With the threat of relapse constant, she decides it would be better for Travis to find somebody uninjured and complete. Shayla breaks up with Travis, but he refuses to give up on her Soon Shayla begins to realize that as difficult as being sick is, opening herself up and learning to accept the love of others may be her biggest struggle yet. This seems awkward to me. Consider rewriting it to say, "But Travis refuses to give up on her and Shayla realizes that as difficult as being sick is, opening herself up and learning to accept the love of others may be her biggest struggle yet. I only combined the two sentences to eliminate the awkward ness. Only this time, she’s the one in control. Yes! SICKGIRL is a young adult novel, complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration, [Name] [/quote] Don't worry you're not deluding yourself! I'm no expert, but I thought this was a great query. It seems like you finally found Shayla's voice. I'm really interested in your story and would love to read it. I wonder what Kimberly Dawn has to say as she's more qualified to critique than I am. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:16:21 -0600

Yay! Thanks for fixing that last two sentence mess. I am so glad you think I found Shayla's voice and would be interested in reading it! What I actually did– in case somebody else reading this is curious – is go back to my manuscript to get a genuine taste of the character I created, instead of trying so hard to sound professional I just sounded boring. The best way to get your character's voice (at least in my case)? Borrow exact phrases from them.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:20:42 -0600

I disagree I'm more qualified. =P I don't have airs like that. The last paragraph, is good, it just needs a little more tweaking--what are the stakes if she fails? (Three questions). 'cause it *solves* the problem and shows the ending... which isn't so bad, but we need the stakes. Very, very close.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:10:48 -0600

I don't know if I can comment much on the query itself; this isn't a genre I'm very familiar with. I suspect it's a bit too wordy; you could probably cut out the first paragraph altogether. Read the examples on QueryShark if you haven't yet already. I do have two main thoughts, though: First, make sure you do a thorough spelling/grammar check. There are numerous typos and errors in this query as-is: -A secret Marxist -societies' best -sabotage rival candidates' campaigns -weight on his shoulders -I think it's the daily obituaries, not obituary The second has to do with your MC's name. I haven't run across 'Ciannon' as a name before and I honestly keep reading it as "Cinnamon" by accident. This may not be a huge issue, but it is something to think about, especially if it's an otherwise fairly realistic setting.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:26:10 -0600

First time commenting on a query but I really appreciated your help so hopefully I can reciprocate a bit. I completely agree with the other commenter, cut the first paragraph and see how much more powerful it sounds! Plus, it doesn't make sense to me anyway, if his parents are poor, how are they his hope for a better life? I would just start with his parents being killed. Maybe something like When Ciannon Delany's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he flees to the only safe haven left: the home of his donor father, a wealthy man and head of the most controversial organization on Stat-9, the Marxis. Also, this may be my own ignorance of the genre/the world, but is the reader supposed to know what Stat-9 is? Because I have absolutely no idea what it is, if it's a location? It makes me feel like this is a sci-fi or something but then I see it's a thriller. If the location is irrelevant (and not outer space) I would leave it out and simply say "the controversial organization the Marxis" instead. From what I've gathered, words are precious in a query and no point of wasting them with unnecessary info. Plus, it seems his parents are the jumping off point for the story so you don't need any background on them if they are simply the catalyst for your novel, focus on the real excitement instead. Also, "tea boy to coffee boy"– when is he tea boy? I'm confused by this statement. Lastly, "Ciannon feels the wait on his shoulders as the bullets start to fly and everyone involved with the mission starts disappearing under mysterious circumstances." feels like too many cliches to me, bullets start to fly, mysterious circumstances, it kinda ends your query on what feels like an unoriginal note for an original story.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:36:31 -0600

[quote=Anahlynn] I guess it's time to post Query V. 2.0 of the first one. I decided to go with a completely different route than me first one, but I'm not sure if it's any better. Dear [Insert name here], Ciannon Delany has always dreamed of becoming rich and successful, but when your parents are unemployed and you have to make ends meet by working at the local restaurant-disguised-brothel, success is hard to come by. Especially in a world where the rich get richer and the poor are routinely "eliminated" by the government.Too much info dump, not enough voice. When ~~his~~Ciannon parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, ~~Ciannon~~ he realizes that all hope for a better life is gone and flees to the only safe haven left: the home of his donor father, a wealthy man and head of the most controversial organization on Stat-9, the Marxis.Sentence is too long. Cut at the and and start a new sentence. Also Marxism isn't illegal... unless you're talking McCarthy. Pressed into the role of secretary to Presidential Candidate Liam Wentworth, a secret Marxis, Ciannon now spends his days writing notes and running lunch orders to five different locations. Someone should have told him that living amongst societies best was more work than play.Writing notes is not action--this sounds dull for a thriller. Here should go, what does the character want? Since you introduced the death of his parents, how does working for the agency or whatever relate to that--the conflict should look like it connects somehow. ~~And then he gets his first real assignment: Infiltrate the current President's Cabinet. From teaboy to coffee boy,~~ Ciannon is expected to spy on the President, find the National Elimination List, sabotage rival candidates campaign, and serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream. How does this relate to the death of his parents? Remember, lists are a poor excuse for not showing. Ciannon feels the wait Weight. If I were an agent, I would be wary of simple mistakes like this... makes me think the manuscript is a mess. on his shoulders as the bullets start to fly and everyone involved with the mission starts disappearing under mysterious circumstances. All too mysterious disease. He needs to find out the Government's plan and expose it to the public before his name ends up in the daily obituary.Why? Why am I invested in this? Why is he invested in this? It seems as if he's only being pulled along for the ride rather than effecting change or doing something he has personal investment in. REBEL is a 90,000 word thriller. Thank you for your time, [Insert my name here] Please let me know what you think. :) [/quote] Eyeballing it, it is LONG. Should be max three paragraphs for the blurb. The problem here is that you need the personal connection to the conflict and the reasons, which should give you a good focus. Remember: Thrillers are about the action and the suspense created by that action, so things like he pushes papers and coffee really doesn't make me want to pick up the book. As Miss Snark says, she wants on page 1 a dead body and the reason the person is invested. Seeking revenge for his dead parents. That's a conflict I can get behind because that's personal, but it doesn't connect to anything. There is also an issue with the Marxist behavior stuff--that's 1950's. Communism isn't seen as much of a threat anymore (except for rhetoric in the Right of the US) The collapse of the soviet Union pretty much nailed it to the wall. With the spread of Democracy in Egypt and other places, Communism isn't seen as much of a threat. Centralize the conflict and make it personal to the character. Show how really thrilling it will be.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:27:32 -0600

Also, I just realized you say "donor father", if that's the case it is confusing to say his parents are killed first and then imply they weren't his biological ones. In that case I'd probably add "adoptive parents" to the description just to clear that up.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:38:53 -0600

Thank you for your help! To answer your questions: "Plus, it doesn't make sense to me anyway, if his parents are poor, how are they his hope for a better life?" In my world, the goverment has a list of people who don't "contribute to society". They send mercenaries after you, so for Ciannon's family to end up on that list signals that he is considered useless. "Also, this may be my own ignorance of the genre/the world, but is the reader supposed to know what Stat-9 is? Because I have absolutely no idea what it is, if it's a location?" See this is why I'm so confused when writing queries. Originally I had more information on what Stat-9 was as it's a very important location. This story doesn't take place on Earth. But people said that I sould cut it all and just focus on the story. The problem is that I did and now no one knows what I'm talking about. How do you incorporate backstory without it feeling like backstory? "Also, "tea boy to coffee boy"– when is he tea boy? I'm confused by this statement." It's a joke that I need to make clear. He runs around grabbing tea with Marxis and now he runs around grabbing coffee for the President. Should I cut the first two paragraphs as they don't seem to be very exciting? Thank you for your help! I'm off to an orchestra concert, so see you around. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:46:02 -0600

Side note: What I meant was, if his parents signal he is useless (which I got) then how could they be his hope for a better life? As in your sentence is "When his parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, Ciannon realizes that all hope for a better life is gone " To me this indicates that before his parents were dead, there was still hope... To be honest, from the story you're telling it doesn't seem important that it doesn't take place on earth- it would still be a thrilling story on any plant. So I would cut that and focus on what makes it exciting. Maybe add something in your description of the novel, "science fiction thriller" or something to show that it has science fiction elements but from what I can tell it is first a thriller, and you can only put so much in a query so that's what I would focus on. I think you can definitely cut a lot of the first two paragraphs, maybe just say that when his parents are killed he joins the organization, since for story purposes (in a concise query) it doesn't seem important who he runs off to join it with, as that person isn't mentioned again in the query anyway.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:45:03 -0600

^_^ Don't explain. Show. If you're forced to show, then you'll write it better. --;; I know I still slip and suck at it, but definitely, show the person up by coming out with a better version. The temptation is to always explain, thus inadvertently tell the person that they didn't get it with information they don't have. Only ask questions for clarification. For example: I didn't understand what you meant by X character wasn't understandable. Could you clarify, give more specific examples or suggestions for improvement? Thank you. Though passive aggressive questions are completely out. =P What do you mean that Flora in that chapter wasn't clear? She so was! When you doubt you can do it for whatever reason, post before your request for critique: "If I object and don't correct facts, kick my butt." XD Always works to keep yourself in check. And most good critiquers do oblige. If you disagree, move on and do it amicably.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:49:43 -0600

Thank you again! I'm going to start rewriting it. Hopefully I'll come up with a better draft soon. As for the donor father thing: He has two mothers, one of them became pregnant through sperm donation. I'll make sure to make that clear next time. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:40:09 -0600

No problem. But if the two mothers aspect isn't crucial I would keep that out of the query all together, focus on the big story you are telling and don't get bogged down in the little details :)

Re: QUICK GUIDE TO QUERY LETTERS

leurz — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:27:32 -0600

Well, there's a possibility that an agent could read your query they day you email it, and then shoot you an email back immediately that says "Send me ten chapters," or even "Send me the whole thing!" Then, if you had only edited two chapters, then sent out your "ok" manuscript, it clearly wouldn't have as much of a shot as if you had just polished the whole thing in the first place! It's like you're shooting yourself in the foot. Editing is never a waste of time, even if the project doesn't sell, since it will undoubtedly make you a better writer.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:51:03 -0600

Oh thanks! By stakes do you mean I should explicitly say that if she doesn't figure it out, she'll be alone? I guess I sorta thought that was implied but maybe I should clearly state it?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:09:09 -0600

Thank you a lot, though I'm a bit confused on the communism thing. The Marxis aren't communist. I made up the word off my head when searching for a name for my organaztion. If it's too connected to communism I'll change it, though.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:45:44 -0600

People are prone to look at 'Marxis' and see 'Marxist' instead. I would change it to something that's harder to mistake. Even 'Marzis' would be better.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:19:36 -0600

Seconded--looks like a typo, especially with a secret organization.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 22:12:51 -0600

Though a secret Marxist organization would be... interesting... *shifty eyes*

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:12:33 -0600

[quote=keriamon] I have gotten good advice here before, so here's a new query for a new book. Where I'm having the most trouble is that the book is set in two parts, twenty years apart. The MC of the first part is Jakub. The MC of the second is his son, Samuel. I'm not exactly sure how to handle that in the query letter. ~~Sir Jakub just passed his fortieth birthday and is facing the thoroughly-depressing thought that he is going to have to retire from fighting. His knees just aren’t what they once were.~~ Doesn't tell me anything about the character that hooks interest. Then, while out on a hunt, he stumbles upon a young woman lost in the forest ~~and suddenly his boring, pointless future doesn’t look so bleak after all.~~See the advice in the post above about a Quick Guide to Query letters, do not start with how boring everything is--tell us why it's interesting. An ordinary character in an ordinary world doesn't give us conflict. Boring is not a conflict (to loosely quote an agent I can't remember the name of.) But his plans for a marriage proposalWhat marriage proposal? We don't know who she is yet or that they dated at all. are dashed when he escorts Alzbeta home and discovers her secret: she’s a Jew. A message from Alzbeta’s father months later, however, stirs him to action once again. The Jews of Prague stand accused of desecrating the Host and they are being burned alive in the city square. Jakub must quickly decide if he will ride to Alzbeta’s rescue or give her up for good. Twenty years later, Jakub and Alzbeta’s son, Samuel, is reaping the comfortable, secure life they’ve given him. With Alzbeta and Samuel’s new wife both pregnant at the same time, the family can’t be any happier. But, without warning, they are publicly denounced as Jews and Samuel and Jakub find themselves rushing to save the entire family from death as the flames of Prague threaten to collect the victims denied to them twenty years before. THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a historic romance of ~~approximately~~ 75,000 words. Better wording is THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a 75,000-word historical romance. Short and sweet. [/quote] This sounds more like a synopsis rather than a back book cover. You need a blurb that answers the 3 questions+ why we want to read it and the voice of the book in the query. Read the references in the post and come back.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

mistygal01 — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 00:24:20 -0600

I'm sorry if this post is contravening a rule of the board by not being a critique, but I'm curious as to how/why Samuel's mother and wife are pregnant at the same time. Also, for that era, wouldnt being 60 years old be like, 90 in todays terms? I'm not entirely sure what the average life expectancy was but it would not have been like today's. So back to the pregnancy thing, 'm having toruble connecting in my head how the teo will match up. Either the mother is like, 40, in which case in those times she would still have been old and probably past her chilldearing date (and there was a 20 year gap between her and her husband) or else something really weird and anachronistic is going on.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

wonderwendy — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:10:49 -0600

This may be a difference in writing styles but I feel it went on a little long. I still don't understand what's going on by the end. Flame Raven covered most of what I was thinking. Beneath is my edited version of your query. "Alana never believed that she and her siblings were cursed, despite the [something without the word curse in it] on their skin. But in the past seven months, they've watched four people die. Lately, Alana isn't sure what to believe, but she knows they can never risk letting another person get close to them. It'll just lead to another grave. Iris is the exception. Alana's not quite sure how Iris smoothtalked her way into joining them. In fact, Alana's never quite sure of anything when Iris is around. Half the time, Alana thinks she's wonderful. The rest of the time, she can't believe that anyone that kind [different word? First time I read I though you were using kind as a synonym for category, not as niceness] could actually exist. Worse, it's like she's changing into a different person – someone who smiles for no reason and hugs complete strangers. And when she finally confides in her sister, her memories of their day-to-day life are completely different from [it's always different from, not different too. English is weird.] Alana's. Alana knows for a fact that Iris is behind these changes, but she still can't convince herself that it's true. And it might not matter, because the magic that's twisting [use a different verb here, something that captures the spookiness/ emotion of the situation. Not sure what is appropriate without reading the novel. Fogging, invading...] their minds is also the only thing keeping her brother alive. And there's a way to save him for good, a way to cure both his disability and allow him to live without being a constant source of fear to everyone [weird phrasing "followed by cruel whispers/ fearful gossip" might work better]. Alana only needs to die in his place. After everything she's seen, it doesn't sound like a bad deal. [? Don't really understand why]"

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:20:05 -0600

[quote=Erecura] I guess I'll post mine. Dear [insert name], Tortured and held prisoner in the basement of the mansion of the President of Tanzania after a failed assassination attempt, Zoë Elliot finds trusting anybody hard. With a daughter who she has never known growing up in America and a group of rebels to lead she is torn between two choices: leave her group of rebels and return to America, or stay in Tanzania and never see her daughter. These sentences are way too long and have too muchh going on. Shorten them by taking out unnecessary detail like "mansion of the President of Tanzania " and see how much stronger it sounds. You probably could have said all of this in less words. Twenty-five years later nineteen year old Reyna Larnstrom ventures with a group of Peace Corps volunteers into the village that Zoë has created. Along with five other young adults, Reyna is unaware of the village's history.What history? I'm completely lost here. Too vague ~~As she delves deeper into the past she begins to understand Zoë's secretive behavior and begin to figure out what happened twenty-five years ago.~~ This makes it sound like all of Zoe's hiding was for nothing if Reyna could figure it out so easily. Your story starts here When a group of government soldiers raid the village, all of Zoë's attempts to hide are lost. Forced to escape with Reyna, she stumbles into the grasslands, wounded, devastated, and unsure who told the government about the plot....What plot? What are you talking about? Plot as in plan or plot as in land? Living in the wild and hopelessly stranded from civilization Zoë must decide whether to tell Reyna the truth about the village and exactly what happened that fateful night twenty-five years ago. Reading this sentence doesn't make me feel like an exciting tell of murder, mystery, and adventure is about to happen. Makes me think Zoe and Reyna are going on an extended camping trip for 300+ pages with no plot in sight. Wait did I just reference Harry Potter? GAMES OF DECEPTION is a 75,000 Mystery/Conspiracy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration, [name] [/quote] Looking at this, it's easy to see that there is no real plot being shone. You have a dramatic secret, but that's about it. The government soldiers was interesting, but that was ruined by the following sentences. Also, who is the main character? I can't decide if it's Zoe or Reyna. My advice: Choose one person and stick to them. Get inside their head and find their motivation, their reason for doing everything. Then, take the most important reason and base your query around. My obvious choice would be Zoe. Get inside her head and figure out why she does what she does for Reyna. Then come back and write your query, Before you do so check out Query Shark's blog. http://www.queryshark.blogspot.com/ Hope I made a little of sense. Good luck.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:26:11 -0600

[quote=Erecura] I guess I'll post mine. Dear [insert name], ~~Tortured and held prisoner in the basement of the mansion of the President of Tanzania after a failed assassination attempt,~~ Descriptor is too long try reversing the sentence. Such as Zoë Elliot finds trusting anyone hard after she is... etc. Zoë Elliot finds trusting anybody hard. With a daughter who she has never known growing up in America and a group of rebels to lead she is torn between two choices: leave her group of rebels and return to America, or stay in Tanzania and never see her daughter.Stakes go at the end. And don't make them obvious. It's clunky. First paragraph should have the initial conflict and who the character is. Twenty-five years later nineteen year old Compound adjectives get hyphens. Reyna Larnstrom ventures with a group of Peace Corps volunteers into the village that Zoë has created. Along with five other young adults, Reyna is unaware of the village's history. As she delves deeper into the past she begins to understand Zoë's secretive behavior and begin to figure out what happened twenty-five years ago. Too vague. When a group of government soldiers raid the village, all of Zoë's attempts to hide are lost. Forced to escape with Reyna, she stumbles into the grasslands, wounded, devastated, and unsure who told the government about the plot. Listy Living in the wild and hopelessly stranded from civilization Zoë must decide whether to tell Reyna the truth about the village and exactly what happened that fateful night twenty-five years ago.Stakes are unclear GAMES OF DECEPTION is a 75,000 Mystery/Conspiracy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration, [name] [/quote] If I had editing power over my post above me, I think I would add more about the basic formatting of a query. Should roughly be: Hook sentence. Character and setting introduction (though not clunky) with basic conflict. Next paragraph is What the character intends to do about it. After that, the stakes involved and why both choices are hard on the character. If you can weave in the voice of either the character or the story without first person, you are gold. (Also avoid the common mistakes.) After that, you can go to Query Hell and feel your heart being ripped asunder from your body on Absolute Write, which is kinda fun... 'cause that also makes you question your story and force you to make it better. =P If Nanowrimoers from last year are here, they'll back me up on this. They certainly in the section of the website make me look like a total coddling mother. (Good critiquers are hard to come by, so I love it.) Quicklime is particularly good at it.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:50:51 -0600

A couple things, I didn't really mind the name Ciannon but I definitely feel you have to fix Marxis if you don't mean Marxist cause that is confusing. Also, the parts about "he can't ignore" and "nor can he ignore" seem redundant and wordy, as well as pretty passive. I would try phrasing it as, Jack begins noticing a strange link between recent murders and his parents death. So that Jack is actually doing something. I'm also really confused by the introduction of Farrah- why is she important? That's not clear. I do love the last line, but I would add "his own obituary makes the headlines." I think that's an awesome and intense ending, but you just need to pump up the excitement in the rest of the query. I mean, he's running around getting tea for the first paragraph really, and then in the second there's a bunch of murders- but what exactly is Jack DOING is what I think needs to be clearer. While it still needs more of your personality/voice in it (Funny to be saying that to you after my own query!) I think that you've done a much better job at getting to the bones of the story since you can't include everything in a query. Oh, side note: ", he is given a choice: a life of running and hiding with no food, no shelter, or join the controversial organization, Marxis, and discover the real reason for his parent's death. With nothing left to lose, he accepts." That doesn't really sound like much of a choice to me, umm basically die or join the organization, unless you show why the organization is so controversial, for example if he is going to be responsible for killing puppies, then I could understand why the decision is difficult, but as it is when you say he accepts I sorta thought "duh".

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:01:33 -0600

Still the same comment about the Marxis v Marxist. I still heavily favor changing it. By count, that's three people who have said that to you... The first paragraph seems rushed and muddled. Who is the character and what does he want? The second paragraph should run something like: What will the character do to get it? (Shouldn't be what is happening *to* him, but how he will effect change.) The third one runs into the stakes involved. Then you weave into it: What makes the book special? Once you get that, then you can weave in the voice of the query. I'd step back from it say, for a few days or a week and get your subconscious to work on it for you, come back and then rewrite it. Breathing room is always needed.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:05:15 -0600

Where is the rock and the hard place? Where is the hard choice? If she *doesn't* open up, then what? Will she lose Travis? That's not so clear because you said Travid won't give up on her in the previous sentences. If she *does* open up, what is she risking? She doesn't seem to be risking anything in that case. I hope that clarifies what I mean by stakes...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:51:20 -0600

Plus I mean, if he didn't accept there wouldn't be a book... so I'm not sure it's much of a choice at all.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:49:15 -0600

Thank you for your help! I was already looking for a new name, but haven't settled on one yet.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

zoed — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:41:33 -0600

Ah that does help, thanks. I'm currently having it completely torn apart over on the Query Hell AW forums so I think I may be starting from scratch again anyway! You weren't kidding about them...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:30:37 -0600

Bohemia, 1388 Sir Jakub is an infinitely practical man. Or was until he fell in love with Alzbeta. He couldn’t want a more impossible match. Alzbeta is good-natured, educated, and beautiful, but she’s also a Jew. Marriage between Jews and Christians is recognized by neither group. Alzbeta would never convert to Christianity and Jakub faces the death penalty if he becomes a Jew. But he can’t give her up. When the citizens of Prague begin burning Jews for desecrating the Host, Jakub rides through the night to rescue her from the fires. And when her entire life has gone up in smoke, Jakub offers to give her a new life with him. Twenty years later, the comfortable life Jakub has built for Alzbeta and his children comes crashing down when their true identity is revealed by an overzealous priest. With the entire family under house arrest and awaiting judgement, Jakub must once again find a way to cheat the flames. THE FLAMES OF PRAGUE is a historic romance of 75,000 words.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 20:48:11 -0600

Haha, I know... they make me look like Mother Theresa~ Mercy is for the weak there... If you get honored by Quicklime's comments--sit up and pay attention. You've been seriously blessed.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

wonderwendy — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:45:40 -0600

1. This sounds like a really interesting book. I don't even read romance and I'd buy it. 2. It's a little long and explains a little too much ("And when her entire life has gone up in smoke," seems unnecessary) 3. I agree with Kayth about the urgency/ flow issues. On the first sentence- "Sir Jakub is an infinitely practical man. Or (he?) was until he fell in love with Alzbeta." Does she have any interesting character traits beyond temperament, beauty or education? Even a flaw that makes her more interesting? Might be a place to add instead of cut. I assume you know this, but often the Jewish people in Europe were "set up" when it came to their supposed crimes against God/ The Church (see: Portuguese merchants in the New World mid 17th century). Deleting the "for desecrating the host" gets rid of the issue entirely (and makes it shorter! Yay).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:27:19 -0600

[quote=wonderwendy] 1. This sounds like a really interesting book. I don't even read romance and I'd buy it. 2. It's a little long and explains a little too much ("And when her entire life has gone up in smoke," seems unnecessary) 3. I agree with Kayth about the urgency/ flow issues. On the first sentence- "Sir Jakub is an infinitely practical man. Or (he?) was until he fell in love with Alzbeta." Does she have any interesting character traits beyond temperament, beauty or education? Even a flaw that makes her more interesting? Might be a place to add instead of cut. I assume you know this, but often the Jewish people in Europe were "set up" when it came to their supposed crimes against God/ The Church (see: Portuguese merchants in the New World mid 17th century). Deleting the "for desecrating the host" gets rid of the issue entirely (and makes it shorter! Yay). [/quote] The big action in my story--the massacre of the Jews of Prague Easter weekend 1389--is a real event. Jakub and Alzbeta's story is fictional, but is based on real stories of Christians who converted to Judaism, and Jews who lived in hiding and/or pretended to be Christians (crypto-Jews). After the fact I even found a reference to a 16th century Italian love story which featured a Christian nobleman who fell in love with a Jewess (although she was the one who ended up converting).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:49:22 -0600

I think this would work well for a logline - my only complaints are that I had to reread the first sentance before I understood it, and I'm not sure what a geas is. For a query, though, you should expand on the plot more to show your MC's personality, what she hopes to accomplish, and what will happen if she doesn't. The ideal length is around three paragraphs. The title made me laugh :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:44:08 -0600

Sorry, my computers formating is weird so I can't put my critique in bold. Dear [Editor]: (most editors don't accept queries. I'd recommend trying to find a literary agent) Good evening. Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Tami. I am a Nevada native, with a deep love of the Silver State. I am a writer and published poet looking for a book publisher. It is my hope that you are that publisher. Now for a brief bit about myself: (You don't have to include your name (its at the bottom of the letter) or where your from, and its assumed that if your writing, you want a book published. This paragraph should be deleated.) I began seriously writing when I was thirteen. In the beginning I wrote simply for my own enjoyment, and because I had a burning need to write. When I turned nineteen I began writing with publication in mind. I attended a correspondence course on writing for children. While the course gave me great insight into what the children’s publishing market is looking for, it showed me that writing for children is not my real passion. I write for the not so average adult reader, which kind of makes me a round peg in a square hole. I love to tell a story, but most of all I love to tell a romantic story. And so for the last thirteen years I have been putting my talent to use. I have been a fact checker for InMediaRes, LLC since 2006. I am a lifetime member of the Poets’ Inner Circle. (none of this is important to your book.) Dark Thirst, which is the book I am proposing to send to you, is a romantic novel about two vampires that have denied their feelings for hundreds years. The manuscript is written, however, I am not opposed to revisions, should they make the story sell well. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. (They already know that your going to revise and that your going to do what you think is best for the story – that's what every author does. You don't need to – and shouldn't – state it.) Dark Thirst runs roughly 108,000 words in length, and runs 350 pages. (You don't need the number of pages. Also, this can be simplified into one sentence at the beginning or end of the query: My novel, DARK THIRST, is a 108,000 word romantic fantasy. Also, I don't have much experience in the adult market, but this seems on the long side.) There are some descriptive erotic scenes and a couple of violent ones. The overall premise of the manuscript is fierce determination, romance between Stefan and Tiffany the main characters, and a desire to protect. It is true that this manuscript does not fit any set mold, and while it may not seem like a wise business venture to publish a story that breaks a mold, I believe it is quite reasonable. In the publishing world, the old standbys will sell well. However, it is also possible for a new and exciting story to sell just as well. Fresh ideas are what I am trying to promote with this book. (Don't point out that it might not be a wise business venture – convince them that it is by telling a spectacular story! And don't try to tell them about the publishing business – its their job to know much more about it than most authors do. If it's true, the agent already knows it.) If you are interested in giving this manuscript a chance, I would be happy to send it along for review and consideration. I understand that you are quite busy and that you receive submissions every day, and therefore appreciate your time. (Simplify to “Thank you for reading my query”.) Regards, Tami Elder This doesn't tell us anything about what your book is about. Include a three paragraph synopsis – similar to the front flap of a book – showing us who your protagonist is and what s/he wants. I recommend clicking on the links that some of the other authors posted in the forum, then rewriting your query and posting it for another critique.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:53:30 -0600

[quote=Kalisto_Barques] This is a query letter that I wrote for a novel I've finished. I'm not one hindred percent pleased with it, but I'm not sure what's wrong. Any feedback would be very helpful. Dear [Editor]: Good evening. Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Tami. I am a Nevada native, with a deep love of the Silver State. I am a writer and published poet looking for a book publisher. It is my hope that you are that publisher. Now for a brief bit about myself: I began seriously writing when I was thirteen. In the beginning I wrote simply for my own enjoyment, and because I had a burning need to write. When I turned nineteen I began writing with publication in mind. I attended a correspondence course on writing for children. While the course gave me great insight into what the children’s publishing market is looking for, it showed me that writing for children is not my real passion. I write for the not so average adult reader, which kind of makes me a round peg in a square hole. I love to tell a story, but most of all I love to tell a romantic story. And so for the last thirteen years I have been putting my talent to use. I have been a fact checker for InMediaRes, LLC since 2006. I am a lifetime member of the Poets’ Inner Circle. All of this is irrelevant. This will sound harsh, but the agent wont care about you as a person. They don't care to know how long you've been writing of why. What they want to know is the story. Dark Thirst, which is the book I am proposing to send to you, is a romantic novel about two vampires that have denied their feelings for hundreds years. The manuscript is written, however, I am not opposed to revisions, should they make the story sell well. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. This tells me nothing about your story. "Romantic novel between two vampires" is not enticing. You need to start with the characters and tell me what they want and why they want it. Otherwise I have no idea what you're talking about. Also, revisions are going to happen whether you like it or not. Unless you're J.K. Rowling some editor is going to hack away at your manuscript and you'll have to deal. However, please understand that my work is a passion and I care very deeply for each of my stories. They are like my children in that regard. I nurture them and watch them grow, and I want only the best for them. Saying this makes it seem like you're not mature and you'd be resistant to story changes, which not what an agent wants. It is my belief that your company is a good fit for my story. You've stated this a billion times. No need to add on to it. And of course you think the agent would be a good fit. That's why you're querying them. ~~Dark Thirst runs roughly 108,000 words in length, and runs 350 pages.~~ This goes at the very end of your query and page numer is not necessary. What page count you have in your word processor is most likely not going to be the final product. There are some descriptive erotic scenes and a couple of violent ones. The overall premise of the manuscript is fierce determination, romance between Stefan and Tiffany the main characters, and a desire to protect. ...This shows me absolutely nothing. I have no idea what you're novel is about. ~~It is true that this manuscript does not fit any set mold, and while it may not seem like a wise business venture to publish a story that breaks a mold, I believe it is quite reasonable.~~ Don't say this! You want your book to appear as the best deal ever, not like a huge risk. The agent would probably be sweating right now(If he hasn't thrown it away... In the publishing world, the old standbys will sell well. However, it is also possible for a new and exciting story to sell just as well. Fresh ideas are what I am trying to promote with this book. There is no such thing as fresh ideas. I can guarantee that the agent has already seen this story idea five different times. If you are interested in giving this manuscript a chance, I would be happy to send it along for review and consideration. I understand that you are quite busy and that you receive submissions every day, and therefore appreciate your time. Thank you for your time. Regards, Tami Elder [/quote] Reading this, I see that you've approached the idea of query writing from the ccompletely wrong persepctive. You're looking at it as if it were a business deal and that if you make yourself friendly and personable the agent will like you. This does not work. Agents only care about one thing, and that's selling your story. My advice would be to read Kimberly Dawn's post at the beginning of the forum and see how to write a query. Then stop by Query Shark and see how I real agent devours her victims. Pick any of the queries on her blog that have recieved a yes and try to model yours after it. http://www.queryshark.blogspot.com/

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:31:02 -0600

Rawr! The forum cut off the first several paragraphs I wrote above the quote! And I had already lost it before once when my browser accidentally went to another page. I give up for today.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:51:03 -0600

To strike is: ~~Insert Text~~ Bold: Insert Text Itallics: Insert Text

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:55:13 -0600

I believe you need to use HTML tags to format on the forums. So Bold is Bold Text b > without spaces, italics use and strike is sometimes < strikethrough > or < s > not sure on that one though.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

wonderwendy — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:57:33 -0600

Thanks for the feedback kayth :). Realized I cut a little too much (and I need to go through everything I write and add full stops/ periods).

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:02:49 -0600

A geas is a magical compulsion; a task or quest you are magically bound to complete. It's a rather obscure word, so you may want to change that out. This sounds okay; I like the snarky and satirical tone. I think it needs to be longer, though, and maybe have a little more voice. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:05:33 -0600

This. All of it. You're not writing a business letter-- the agent doesn't need or want to know anything about you, not at first. You have three paragraphs to make your story seem enticing enough for the agent to read pages. That's it. I second the recommendation to go read through QueryShark, then try again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kalisto_Barques — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:36:54 -0600

Harsh but apt when considering a query to an agent. This wuery letter wasn't initially to an Agent. It was originally to an Editor at a publishing house. I can understand the premise of what you are saying, but I'm curious about your cut and dry and approach. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but what it sounds like you're sending is not a query letter at all, but a synopsis. I know that Agents like to have a synopsis of the story as well as a query letter sent. Are you basically suggesting to cut the synopsis out of the picture by making the query letter the synopsis in letter format?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:59:08 -0600

This is ALL tell and no show, plus it's more summary than query. You want to give us a hook, not tell us the whole plot. I would rewrite this one entirely and try to show, not tell. Give us a sense of who these people are-- why does the evil overlord hate Zane so much, so personally? Give us an idea of the stakes. Make sure to avoid lists of descriptions ("a pink-haired prankster, an unfeeling woman") and avoid generalizations and cliches ("an unlikely chain of events").

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:06:07 -0600

Here you can swap religious fiction: http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/critiques-feedback-novel-swaps/threads/45650

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:55:43 -0600

Hm. It ate my close tag. To close an html tag you write

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:54:41 -0600

Gack. Totally didn't mean to do that. Okay here it is agian with spaces. Strike: < strike > Insert Text < / strike > Bold: Insert Text Itallics: Insert Text Take out the spaces.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lucien Jay — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 12:48:55 -0600

Alright! I tried to look at other queries again and rewrote it. I guess I feel like I have so much to say that I ended up dumping it all out. Is this a little better? -- After suffering the loss of his home and family to a fire deliberately started by his former master, Zane has no will to live. A stranger steps out of the shadows and offers his aid – but for a price. Zane is coerced into serving a new master, the stranger named Lord Suyuko, who personally gives Zane the kindness and education he never received as a child. Zane quickly grows to like his new master, but he cannot ignore the man’s quirks or the townspeople’s latent fear of him. He endeavors to uncover the truth everybody else seems to know: that despite being a great man, Suyuko is a monster underneath. The empty castle begins to fill up with other people, other “lost individuals” as Zane’s lessons continue. Zane is forced to learn how to mesh positively with them whilst grappling with the reality that his adored master is not all that he appears. Things spiral out of control once Zane’s former master, a man that prides himself over never having a slave escape his abusive clutches, discovers that Zane is indeed alive, and this creates an unlikely chain of events which startle their world’s shaky peace with a race of oppressed peoples who thirst for a vengeance that can only be slaked with Magical blood.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

wonderwendy — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 12:19:13 -0600

Thanks for the feedback :) *takes notes*

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kayth — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:57:09 -0600

Thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Dawnheart — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 11:49:14 -0600

~~is this going to work~~ i'm going to feel like an idiot if it doesn't wait i can preview whoa i feel so cool!! Thank you!!!!!! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ShadowWriter — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:39:07 -0600

Thanks! But it would still be nice to have a specific forum for Christian fiction. ;) But thank you so much for the link! Can't believe I missed that! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:22:26 -0600

It's a bit better, although I still don't quite understand the evil master's motivations in trying to kill his own slaves. Why start the fire? You're also running into trouble at the end by suddenly introducing the "race of oppressed peoples" and people hunting for magical blood. When does magic get involved? You've also still got cliche phrases like "unlikely chain of events" and "thirst for vengeance." Remember: Character, conflict, stakes. Why does Zane have to choose one action over another? What will happen if he doesn't?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lucien Jay — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:31:10 -0600

That part's actually pretty complex, as the evil character has a complicated past that's hard for me to translate into words without giving away too much. I guess I can attempt a rewrite later when I have a clearer head, but thanks as always for the feedback. : )

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 08:52:11 -0600

That's fine; you don't have to explain everything in the query. But I think a hint of motivation could help.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 18:44:25 -0600

What you're asking really doesn't make any sense, but I'll answer it as best I can. [quote=Kalisto_Barques] Harsh but apt when considering a query to an agent. This wuery letter wasn't initially to an Agent. It was originally to an Editor at a publishing house. I can understand the premise of what you are saying, but I'm curious about your cut and dry and approach. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but what it sounds like you're sending is not a query letter at all, but a synopsis. I know that Agents like to have a synopsis of the story as well as a query letter sent. Are you basically suggesting to cut the synopsis out of the picture by making the query letter the synopsis in letter format? [/quote] No. There is a clear difference between a query and a synopsis, and what I'm talking about is a query. A query is 300-400 words maximum and is intended to hook the agent into reading more. Think of the blurb on the back of a book. That's what your query should be. Not a letter outlining your writing history and a small sentence about your novel. A synopsis varies in length, but it is a step by step summary outlining every plot point of your novel, including the end. Depending on how in-depth you go, subplots are included too. Make no mistake: a query is NOT a synopsis. Almost all agents want a query, and a few want synopsis. A lot want both, but they are not the same thing. "I know that Agents like to have a synopsis of the story as well as a query letter sent." Not all agents want the synopsis, which is why it is important that you research the agent you're querying instead of making generalizations. It seems you don't know the correct query format whaich why I think it's important that you read through this thread and see the advice that's given. Also go to the links that Kimberly Dawn has posted near the top.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:08:34 -0600

Query to an editor isn't much different. The difference is that you say Dear [Editor], =P Most of the time when addressing editors the query looks exactly the same. Makes no difference. A synopsis and a query are not the same--you do not put a synopsis into a business format. Also a synopsis is a totally different animal from a query and takes different steps which are equally painful, but very different. (I'm raising my hand here and saying I suck at synopses, but rock at queries... the theory being that writers are good at one or the other.) That given, even your story summary is not a proper synopsis and it will sound like a shortened version of the story. (Absolute Write goes over this animal very well and has numerous guides and links about it. --;; They are SOOO painful.) So still take the advice. Read the post, etc. I didn't make it solely up myself (other Nanowrimos were involved), but collected it over time from various comments and lots of reading. It's about 5-6 years of collected comments on queries. It's really worth it. Also your author biography should read differently when in a query. The real one that goes into a book comes later in the publishing process, I believe towards the end when you submit the acknowledgments because the mind-breaking part of editing the novel is done. The author biography in the query letter should be *real* publishing credits *related* to the book you are publishing. If you wrote a Mystery story and are writing about the Life of Llamas, that won't work as a publishing credit. Anything from a university, non pro magazine, high school, etc also doesn't count. Any degrees you have that don't relate (avoid listing MFAs... except for literary magazines), also do not count. Unfinished stuff--don't even mention. Mention workshops, such as Clarion or whatever your genre has. Mention things such as Anthropology degree if you're publishing in Fantasy or Criminology--the point is that you're proving that you are *marketable* not showing that you can write about yourself. I'd say generally the same thing as Anahlynn.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Lucien Jay — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:25:33 -0600

[Late, late reply - sorry!] Yeah, you're right. For the fire thing, once he heard that Zane escaped he immediately set fire to his village because he's the possessive type of person who believes "if I can't have this, no one else can," and he doesn't really care about the well-being of anybody in his kingdom - only himself. He also has a plethora of mental issues stemming from his childhood, so I wasn't sure how to portray that. Here's the newest draft of my query; I tried to add other things to show his motivation (in paragraph two), but I'm not sure which would work out the best? Maybe you or somebody else can advise me. -- After suffering the loss of his home and family to a fire deliberately started by his former master, Zane has no will to live. A stranger steps out of the shadows and offers his aid – but for a price. Zane is coerced into serving a new master, the stranger named Lord Suyuko, who personally gives Zane the kindness and magical education he never received as a child. Zane quickly grows to like his new master, but he cannot ignore the man’s quirks or the townspeople’s latent fear of him. He endeavors to uncover the truth everybody else seems to know: that despite being a great man, Suyuko is a monster underneath it all. As Zane’s lessons continue, the empty castle begins to fill up with other people, other “lost individuals.” He is forced to learn how to mesh positively with them whilst grappling with the reality that his adored Lord is not everything that he seems. Zane’s situation spirals out of control once his former master, Lord Velkar, discovers that he is indeed alive. Delusional in the belief that he and Zane shared a romance together as well as resentful of the fact that he was always second to Suyuko, Velkar is bent on using every last resource at his disposal to ensure Zane’s capture. While the rulers of the remaining four countries bicker over politics, the Ailumi, a group of scorned people that furtively inhabit their own corner of the world, have honed their inborn ability to resist magic and decide to seize the opportunity to finally take their revenge on the Magical people that drove them out of the mainland thousands of years ago. Zane and everyone else he knows are on the verge of a war that will alter the future of their homeland, and he cannot help the feeling that the Ailumi are ones that should win it. -- I hope it all makes sense, and if I missed something else that should be in a query, then feel free to inform me!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:43:41 -0600

[quote=J_S_C] I am breaking a lot of rules doing this, I think. but when voice comes into play, there is nothing more powerful that the voice of your character. Dear ~~My name is Mystery Clarke. Roll your eyes if you want. I do it enough when I write the name down, too, but I didn't give me the name, he did, and I'm stuck with it for 400 or so pages.~~ This is dull. The completely wrong way to start the query. Get to the good stuff. Mom told me that if I wanted to write a cookbook I would have to go against Bobby Flay because it is not about quality, and me being a nobody, that it would never happen. What on earth does this have to do with anything? Why is she writing a cookbook? This guy thinks I have a story to tell, and I kinda trust him. What guy...you? After my 16th birthday, I found out why I hadn't had my period. ~~Most would consider me lucky that it would have been so late in coming and if I were normal, I would probably have thought so too.~~ But, you see, I found out that I am really a boy. I look like a girl; I have all the girl parts on the outside, but my chromosomes are XY, not XX. Oh, the crap that started. Dad didn't know how to deal with it and abandoned me and even told me that he wished I was the one that died instead of my brother. His behaving like a jerk caused my mother to leave him, but I don't think he cared much other than the occasional card he would send me that I never opened. If he didn't care why would he send a card? You know I actually had testicles? Yeah, seriously. They were two little balls in my pelvis that had to be removed. Gross and weird. I still have the scars from that surgery to this day. Then harassment at school. You know how hard it is to keep a secret like this at school? You can only imagine what happened when people found out. It isn't pretty. All of this looks like backstory and irrelevant. The real problem is me though. Am I a woman or a man. Heather tells me that I am a woman. I look like a woman, I think like a woman, hell, even taste like a woman. Yes, I said taste, and you can draw the appropriate conclusion from that alone. But am I? Do I look to my physicallity to come to the conclusion of gender or my genetics. I have loved both men and women. I even married a man before he was murdered, but does that make me bi-sexual? Or does it make me heterosexual with my physical makeup, or heterosexual with my genetic makeup. I don't know and propbably won't ever really know. I do know that I can't have kids, but I end up having one and she is a beautiful girl named Noelle that happenes to come from the seed of my late husband with my current wife. How about that for something that doesn't seem right? He's telling me that I am starting to ramble. He's also telling me to tell you that he is the author of my story and it comes in at 100,192 words, but I think that is silly. It ended when I told him it ended, be that 50k words or a million. So all that follows is how to get into contact with him and what-not. If your interested in my story, I guess you take it from here. What is your title? You left that out. TITLE is 100,000 word [insert genre] Thank you for your time. [/quote] You already said you were breaking the rules, but to break the rules you must first know them. Writing from the POV of your character is gimmicky and rubs many agents the wrong way (Query Shark and Miss Snark come to mind). I have no idea what your story is actually about. Rewrite this in third person, tell me the character and what the stakes are. Unless you're an expert in query writing you shouldn't try to break the mold.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:30:44 -0600

If you feel upset at a critique, do not hit the reply button within 24 hours time. Step back from it and come back. If you still feel upset, come back to it. Critiques take time to write. If you want fluffy bunnies, then consider your mother or reading the cover jacket on a Series of unfortunate events. (the reverse side) [quote=J_S_C] I am breaking a lot of rules doing this, I think. but when voice comes into play, there is nothing more powerful that the voice of your character. Dear My name is Mystery Clarke. Roll your eyes if you want. I do it enough when I write the name down, too, but I didn't give me the name, he did, and I'm stuck with it for 400 or so pages. Mom told me that if I wanted to write a cookbook I would have to go against Bobby Flay because it is not about quality, and me being a nobody, that it would never happen. This guy thinks I have a story to tell, and I kinda trust him. Write in third person. After my 16th birthday, I found out why I hadn't had my period. Most would consider me lucky that it would have been so late in coming and if I were normal, I would probably have though so too. But, you see, I found out that I am really a boy. I look like a girl; I have all the girl parts on the outside, but my chromosomes are XY, not XX. Oh, the crap that started.Cut it down, too wordy. Try: On my sixteenth birthday GingerMysteryn't know how to deal with it and abandoned me and even told me that he wished I was the one that died instead of my brother. His behaving like a jerk caused my mother to leave him, but I don't think he cared much other than the occasioal card he would send me that I never opened. You know I actually had testicles? Yeah, seriously. They were two little balls in my pelvis that had to be removed. Gross and weird. I still have the scars from that surgery to this day. Then harassment at school. You know how hard it is to keep a secret like this at school? You can only imagine what happened when people found out. It isn't pretty.It's too long. Making the whole story about being intersexed--I have issues with that. Intersex shouldn't be the only identifier of *who* Mystery Clarke is. Intersex is a *what*, not a who. This is the advocacy talking in me... but I kind of find it odd. The real problem is me though. Am I a woman or a man. Heather tells me that I am a woman. I look like a woman, I think like a woman, hell, even taste like a woman. Yes, I said taste, and you can draw the appropriate conclusion from that alone. But am I? Do I look to my physicallity to come to the conclusion of gender or my genetics. I have loved both men and women. I even married a man before he was murdered, but does that make me bi-sexual? Or does it make me heterosexual with my physical makeup, or hetersexual with my genetic makeup. I don't know and propbably won't ever really know. I do know that I can't have kids, but I end up having one and she is a beautiful girl named Noelle that happenes to come from the seed of my late husband with my current wife. How about that for something that doesn't seem right?I agree He's telling me that I am starting to ramble. He's also telling me to tell you that he is the author of my story and it comes in at 100,192 words, but I think that is silly. It ended when I told him it ended, be that 50k words or a million. So all that follows is how to get into contact with him and what-not. If your interested in my story, I guess you take it from here. TITLE is 100,000 word [insert genre]. Thank you for your time. [/quote] The whole conflict is about being intersexed? Sorry, that doesn't carry for me. There are plenty of stories about being intersexed. I really won't care for this conflict. If it's the only thing you can think of that identifies your character, then I'd seriously pass. I'd have to be pretty ignorant about QUILTBAG to buy it. Absolute Write and numerous agents say write in third person. The voice you want to communicate is two fold: the character and the story. The advocacy side of me says : 1. It is not enough to carry the story. 2. It tells me nothing about WHO the character is. 3. When being gay, asexual, African, Asian, queer, bisexual, or what have you is the ONLY conflict in the entire story AND the main conflict without any other points or caveats, I find it dull... not only dull, but a little insulting too. People who are in a minority are not defined by a label of *what* that degrades the person into break down of sexual orientation, sexuality, and melanin pigmentation. It's like saying intersex is a personality trait--it isn't. It's a label or an identifier. How the character finds and tries to define self is the important thing and probably would tip this into YA. Pull that conflict forward. It shouldn't be about being intersex, it should be defining self and views of self after being given a label the character wrestles with. (I've read this done well, BTW.) I should note here that I *do* know people who are whatever and buy this stereotype found in stories... and I find that sad. If your only identifier is a label put on you, then how you identify yourself always falls short--I find a lot of those people end up unsatisfied an angry if that's the only thing they have to hang onto. Overall you missed format too. It won't fly.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:00:23 -0600

There is no specific thread for swapping Christian fiction.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 18:33:13 -0600

I am not going to get into a large debate except for one thing that I find really humorous. "I have no idea what your story is actually about." Perhaps if you were no so eager to use strikethrough, you might have noticed the huge, rather glaring sentence that reads, "The real problem is me though." I have a main character in one parahraph telling the reader the central conflict of the whole story. I don't think it could have been more plain. Maybe I should have put, "Hey you, this is what the story is about," and that would have made it all the more clearer. Anyhow, I'm going to finish my first edit then write a more "traditional" query later. JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 19:03:22 -0600

If you ask to recieve a critique then you have no reason to be hostile If you only wanted postive criticism you should have put up top Negative Criticism will be ignored. . The strikethrough is just the HTML format being wonky again. I get what your story is about: An intersex woman who struggles with who she is. Yeah, I get that. The way you're presenting it makes no sense. The first two paragraphs made me think this was the story of a teenaged intersex girl struggling with her life. Then the third paragraph is introduced and we find out the character isn't actually a teen, but a grown woman reflecting on her life. Reading your profile, I see this story is told through a series of flashbacks. If so, you have to make that clear in the query or else the person reading it will be confused. Why did you waste two paragraphs trying to set up the premise of the story if the actual story starts in paragraph three? Words are precious in a query and the agent doesn't want to trudge through two hundred words if the query could have been told in one hundred. There is still the issue that this feels cheap and gimmicky. Not to mention you didn't even mention the title.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:37:00 -0600

crap, wonky tablet pen deleted some lines. I need to remember to preview... [quote=Kimberly Dawn] If you feel upset at a critique, do not hit the reply button within 24 hours time. Step back from it and come back. If you still feel upset, come back to it. Critiques take time to write. If you want fluffy bunnies, then consider your mother or reading the cover jacket on a Series of unfortunate events. (the reverse side) [quote=J_S_C] I am breaking a lot of rules doing this, I think. but when voice comes into play, there is nothing more powerful that the voice of your character. Dear My name is Mystery Clarke. Roll your eyes if you want. I do it enough when I write the name down, too, but I didn't give me the name, he did, and I'm stuck with it for 400 or so pages. Mom told me that if I wanted to write a cookbook I would have to go against Bobby Flay because it is not about quality, and me being a nobody, that it would never happen. This guy thinks I have a story to tell, and I kinda trust him. Write in third person. After my 16th birthday, I found out why I hadn't had my period. Most would consider me lucky that it would have been so late in coming and if I were normal, I would probably have though so too. But, you see, I found out that I am really a boy. I look like a girl; I have all the girl parts on the outside, but my chromosomes are XY, not XX. Oh, the crap that started.Cut it down, too wordy. Try: On her sixteenth birthday Ginger Mystery found out that she was really a boy and not a girl. Short sweet, and gets to the point. I look like a girl; I have all the girl parts on the outside, but my chromosomes are XY, not XX. Oh, the crap that started. Dad didn't know how to deal with it and abandoned me and even told me that he wished I was the one that died instead of my brother. His behaving like a jerk caused my mother to leave him, but I don't think he cared much other than the occasional card he would send me that I never opened. It's too long. Making the whole story about being intersexed--I have issues with that. Intersex shouldn't be the only identifier of *who* Mystery Clarke is. Intersex is a *what*, not a who. This is the advocacy talking in me... but I kind of find it odd. The real problem is me though. Am I a woman or a man. Heather tells me that I am a woman. I look like a woman, I think like a woman, hell, even taste like a woman. Yes, I said taste, and you can draw the appropriate conclusion from that alone. But am I? Do I look to my physicallity to come to the conclusion of gender or my genetics. I have loved both men and women. I even married a man before he was murdered, but does that make me bi-sexual? Or does it make me heterosexual with my physical makeup, or hetersexual with my genetic makeup. I don't know and propbably won't ever really know. I do know that I can't have kids, but I end up having one and she is a beautiful girl named Noelle that happenes to come from the seed of my late husband with my current wife. How about that for something that doesn't seem right?I agree He's telling me that I am starting to ramble. He's also telling me to tell you that he is the author of my story and it comes in at 100,192 words, but I think that is silly. It ended when I told him it ended, be that 50k words or a million. So all that follows is how to get into contact with him and what-not. If your interested in my story, I guess you take it from here. TITLE is 100,000 word [insert genre]. Thank you for your time. [/quote] The whole conflict is about being intersexed? Sorry, that doesn't carry for me. There are plenty of stories about being intersexed. I really won't care for this conflict. If it's the only thing you can think of that identifies your character, then I'd seriously pass. I'd have to be pretty ignorant about QUILTBAG to buy it. Absolute Write and numerous agents say write in third person. The voice you want to communicate is two fold: the character and the story. The advocacy side of me says : 1. It is not enough to carry the story. 2. It tells me nothing about WHO the character is. 3. When being gay, asexual, African, Asian, queer, bisexual, or what have you is the ONLY conflict in the entire story AND the main conflict without any other points or caveats, I find it dull... not only dull, but a little insulting too. People who are in a minority are not defined by a label of *what* that degrades the person into break down of sexual orientation, sexuality, and melanin pigmentation. It's like saying intersex is a personality trait--it isn't. It's a label or an identifier. How the character finds and tries to define self is the important thing and probably would tip this into YA. Pull that conflict forward. It shouldn't be about being intersex, it should be defining self and views of self after being given a label the character wrestles with. (I've read this done well, BTW.) I should note here that I *do* know people who are whatever and buy this stereotype found in stories... and I find that sad. If your only identifier is a label put on you, then how you identify yourself always falls short--I find a lot of those people end up unsatisfied an angry if that's the only thing they have to hang onto. Overall you missed format too. It won't fly. [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:03:09 -0600

FYI all of your commentary is amazing.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

leurz — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:39:19 -0600

No. A query is your first contact with an agent. If an agent requests a partial or full, you should probably write a short, polite cover letter along with it to jog their memory about your book and your query, the fact that you are sending them what they requested, and to thank them for their time and consideration. I've read on agent blogs that including cover letters on requested materials will win you a few brownie points.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:41:54 -0600

[quote=fni] Dear [Name], [Short agent specific paragraph] ~~Colored by guilt form a childhood trauma, that cost a man his life,~~overly Wordy SImplify. Laura Ebbens ~~has grown up to become a principled young archaeologist who would do anything to stay out of a dangerous situation.~~young archaeologist is an oxymoron. You don't get to head a team of archaeologists until you are 40--hardly young. ~~Would do; except she's too curious.~~This sentence does nothing for you. ~~When she meets the troubled and annoyingly-familiar Tom, Laura sets her mind on uncovering his dark secrets, but what she finds out is far beyond even her wildest imagination.~~Suffers from the all too mysterious disease. Mystery isn't created by saying it is mysterious, but by dropping clues that seem so. Tom is the man whose death Laura has spent years lamenting; only he isn't dead. He is immortal.<-- Your hook starts here ~~In the midst of coping with her personal paradigm shift,~~Suffers from the "I want to sound smart for the agent disease. Laura runs in with Lui, ~~a charismatic but possibly insane man from Tom's past. Lui tells her he~~ who knows how to cure immortality, and Laura sees an opportunity to help the woebegone Tom. But the cure isn't exactly some herbal concoctin, and Lui is a far more calculative man than he appears to be. Before she knows, Laura finds herself drawn into danger and what may well be the lengthiest quarrel in all of history. A quarrel that has fostered the many longevity myths around the world, and that will change Laura's lifes more or less for ever.I missed the part where Tom says he wants to be cured. LOVELY, OLD THINGS is a 65.000-words paranormal fiction ~~filled with dynamic characters, suspense and intrigue. The novel is written to stand alone, but I have ideas for a sequel~~. [Something about attachment if requested] Thank you for your time, F... [/quote] 1. You have factual errors. Archaeologists don't get to head up teams until they are in their 40's, if they are altogether lucky. It's also a pretty thankless job in terms of having a social life out on the field. It isn't Indiana Jones. 2. Your main conflict shows up late. 3. There are no stakes or complications. 4. You suffer from overwritten prose. Seeing prose like this would make most agents run away--it bogs down the story. Story before pretty prose. 5. You fail to create a mystery by telling us it is a mystery. Build up clues, don't say it's mysterious and suspenseful--show us it is. All too mysterious disease is where you say nothing, do nothing to make it feel mysterious then feel it is necessary to say it is mysterious to make it mysterious. Example: Poppy, if that really was his name found himself somewhere, somewhere he'd never been before, but wait, he didn't know what time it was, in some place that was.... dundundun... mysterious. Better way to do it: Poppy woke up one day finding himself passed out in his own puke in a bar he wasn't familiar with. The only identifier was a business card with the name "Poppy Windfield." However, when he followed that address, it turned out to be a flower farm where no one remembered his name. The second one creates a mystery without saying the word mystery.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:23:45 -0600

Where is the central conflict? You have a lot of telling and not enough showing. Try again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:51:51 -0600

just my humble opinion. Good luck with the query! [quote=meriam2e] Dear... ~~When getting out is all that's left, Sydney, Morgan, June, and Bree leave it all behind~~Getting out from what? or where? leaving what all behind? on the road trip of their lives. Cross country, from Portland, Oregon to Cape Charles, Virginia; where not everything that falls apart can be put together again. Including friendship. They take the trip as a way for them to reconnect, but with everything that they've been through in the past year, they might as well have taken 3000 miles in the wrong direction. From the Hollywood sign to the Big Apple, they can be found getting laid, jealous, wasted, or reckless, sometimes a combination of all four. ~~But no matter how long they've known each other in the past, they still manage to find what they never knew.~~ What? Try to not be cryptic Sydney hasn't really been there, not for a while. She's already fantasizing about college life, ready to let life start, even if it means leaving her friends behind. Bree's finally had enough of June's overbearing personality and for once decides to stand up for herself. She's run away from home with no plans of ever going back. If ever there was a time to speak up, it was now. While Morgan is stuck in the constant aftermath of June and Bree, she too is dealing with losing her best friend. How can you make someone stay when all they want is to be somewhere else? June doesn't know the answer either. She's sensed it all along, Bree's plans of staying away from home. But there's nothing she can do if Bree won't listen. This all feels like backstory. If it's your central conflict, this is what should be elaborated in a more clear and entizing way. Each line counts. Keep it simple, and catching. WHERE THE ROAD MEETS THE SUN is a 56,000 word work of Contemporary YA. ~~This is my first novel. I am currently working on my second.~~ Thank you for your time, ~~and I look forward to hearing from you soon.~~ Sincerely, Meriam2e [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:55:24 -0600

Thank you so much for your imput! I will make it clear that laura is NOT the head of the excavation. And she meets Tom in town so that I'll also clear up. "It in't indiana Jones" Hahaha certainly not. Just one question. Where did I mention the word mystery? I may be both blind and senile because I don't see it... Also missed the disease you're talking about? Anyway, thank you so much for giving me things to work on! F

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:59:26 -0600

[quote=fni] Just one question. Where did I mention the word mystery? I may be both blind and senile because I don't see it... Also missed the disease you're talking about? [/quote] Please read Kimberly Dawn's post again. Particularly the little bit at the bottom. [quote=fni] When she meets the troubled and annoyingly-familiar Tom, Laura sets her mind on uncovering his dark secrets, but what she finds out is far beyond even her wildest imagination. [/quote] When you use the words "uncovering his dark secrets" most sane readers will assume you're trying to set-up a mystery, even if that wasn't your original intent. What I think Kimberly Dawn is trying to say is that this sentence blatantly states it's own mysteriousness instead of dropping hints and creating a mysterious atmosphere. You're trying to make Tom's secret grand but it falls flat. [quote=Kimberly Dawn] All too mysterious disease is where you say nothing, do nothing to make it feel mysterious then feel it is necessary to say it is mysterious to make it mysterious. [/quote] That's what she meant by mysterious disease.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:49:29 -0600

Hi. Thankyou! Yes I totally agree about the dark secret. However i thought it was a bit strange that Kimberly directed critique about something that I never wrote. The bold part about a mysterious disease is not in my letter as you'd see if you read my post again. Thank you for your concern, F (To be clear: I'm not offended, I don't try to be offensive. I was just confused... "Did I write that? I don't remember writing that...")

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Anahlynn — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:30:30 -0600

I don't think you're offended, but you're still missing the point. Kimberly Dawn isn't saying that you wrote about a mysterious disease in your query, she's saying the way you try to build up the suspense is kind of like saying Character A has a mysterious disease, then never elaborating on said disease. Does that make sense?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

leurz — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:41:28 -0600

I love the hook of this critique. It kept me reading through the entire thing looking for how she is a bad guy -- but then the follow through comes. "But when one of those risks involves an attempted murder, Lauren’s whole world changes, and her eyes are opened to the harm she herself is capable of." This is vague. I bet you could make it snappier: But when she almost kills her suspect, Lauren learns the harm she is capable of. That still ends with a preposition, but you know what I mean. Also, in the second sentence, when you go into a two-types-of-people-in-the-world, they should usually be mutually exclusive. There could be people who fit into both of these categories. Maybe that one only bugs me personally, but I'm just telling you I went on a mental tangent where I was thinking about Venn diagrams and not your book. Maybe you could split it into bad people and good people, or say she is surrounded by both group A and group B, who both suck. Other than that, I know what the book is about, that it's YA, that I would like to get to know the protagonist, and that I want to turn the page and read your book.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 08:30:14 -0600

Not bad, but the sentences could be tighter. "Harmful people, and people who try to extinguish the fiery temper she gets because of these harmful people" is very awkward indeed. This character seems to see things mostly in black and white, so I would emphasize that. Perhaps: "For Lauren Campbell, the world consists of only two types of people: the good and the evil. She is determined to rid the world of the evil. Unfortunately, she's not sure just how to do that. Then, an opportunity comes along: a scholarship to a boarding school 300 miles from home." You might mention what about this boarding school makes it an opportunity to get rid of corruption; I'm not seeing the connection. Also, I would jump to the conflict: "However, Lauren's quest is quickly complicated when she realizes that things may not be as black and white as she thought. When her own friends lock her in a room while they rape her roommate, she doesn't know what to think." Then focus on what she's going to do about it. I admit, reading this I also have some suspension of disbelief issues about your premise. This is something that I see a lot in high-school based fiction, which is: where are the teachers? Somehow the adults never step in and do anything to stop or prevent awful things from happening, even though in a real school they would absolutely be involved. It's not to say that a rape couldn't happen, but... why does Lauren have to investigate this on her own? What are the cops and the teachers doing about this situation? Also, the presence of neo-Nazis makes me... really wary. I would possibly not read this book just seeing they were involved. It's not a bad start, but you can definitely polish it more.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:43:04 -0600

Like I said earlier. Take my critique with a grain of salt. I'm by no means an expert, but I think it's great to practice by critiquing others. [quote=Little_Alex] Dear (Angent’s name), Lauren Campbell is out to rid her world of all the corrupt people in it. The only problem is, that includes herself. Alternative second line: That is all fine, untill she realizes that includes herself Sixteen year-old Lauren ~~Campbell~~’s life consists of two things: harmful people, ~~and people who try to extinguish the fiery temper she gets because of these harmful people.~~ work on that line. ~~When a way out comes along~~ I didn't know she wanted one, Lauren grabs at it: a scholarship to a boarding school three hundred miles from home. ~~The desire for a perfect home drives her to chase away anyone she sees as amoral at this new school, including the crew of neo-Nazis buzzing around her like flies.~~ perfect home? this sentence could probably be shorter. It's not as important as the next one She makes friends she believes are good, virtuous people, and the move seems to be for the better. But when Lauren gets locked in ~~another~~ room while her roommate is raped, she realizes she can’t sit back anymore.I guess that what you are trying to say is that Lauren is looked in a neighbouring room and forced to listen to the rape/is unable to help. I think you can make that more clear Driven by a strong sense of responsibility, Lauren decides to figure out who did this to her roommate and bring them down before they strike again. Guessing it must be one of the nazi bullies, Lauren follows the lead ~~only to learn they were the ones who saved her roommate.~~ I didn't know she was saved They redirect her to her own friends, the friends she thought to be so good. Although feeling betrayed, Lauren can’t stop the hunt; ~~she’s had a life of bad people before this and she’ll take any risk to make this new home worth the move.~~ ~~But when one of those risks involves an attempted murder, Lauren’s whole world changes, and her eyes are opened to the harm she herself is capable of.~~ Unclear. Don't force the agent to guessNow on a dangerous spiral downward, she must race to destroy the evil in her world before she destroys herself. OUTSIDE OF US is a 64,000 word young adult contemporary novel. I have enclosed [submission requirements] as per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration, (My Name) [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:54:15 -0600

[quote=Little_Alex] I posted this query last year, but after numerous revisions to the story, and what with ABNA coming up soon, I thought I'd repost (and critique if my belief is confirmed that I've somewhat gotten the hang of this). Thanks in advance! Dear (Angent’s name), Lauren is out to rid her world of all the corrupt people in it. ~~The only problem is,~~ that includes herself.Cap the "that". Don't state, the conflict is, the stakes are, her personality is, just say it. Sixteen[-]year-old Lauren Campbell’s life consists of two things: harmful people, and people who try to extinguish the fiery temper she gets because of these harmful people. When a way out comes along, Lauren grabs at it: a scholarship to a boarding school three hundred miles from home. The desire for a perfect home drives her to chase away anyone she sees as amoral at this new school, including the crew of neo-Nazis buzzing around her like flies. She makes friends she believes are good, virtuous people, and the move seems to be for the better. But when Lauren gets locked in another room while her roommate is raped, she realizes she can’t sit back anymore. Driven by a strong sense of responsibility, Lauren decides to figure out who did this to her roommate and bring them down before they strike again. Guessing it must be one of the nazi bullies, Lauren follows the lead only to learn they were the ones who saved her roommate. They redirect her to her own friends, the friends she thought to be so good. Although feeling betrayed, Lauren can’t stop the hunt; she’s had a life of bad people before this and she’ll take any risk to make this new home worth the move. But when one of those risks involves an attempted murder, Lauren’s whole world changes, and her eyes are opened to the harm she herself is capable of. Now on a dangerous spiral downward, she must race to destroy the evil in her world before she destroys herself. OUTSIDE OF US is a 64,000 word young adult contemporary novel. I have enclosed [submission requirements] as per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration, (My Name) [/quote] Just fixing the first line because I agree with fni with the rest...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:13:38 -0600

Well that makes perfect sense to me. But why not saying that it's the "dark secrets" that was weird instedad of putting in a part and commenting on that? I'm sorry I got so confused.. but nowhere was the dark secrets mentioned, just that disease that I din't put in myself :) Anyway. Thank you Anahlynn for being awesome and clearing up the confusion.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

leurz — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:43:01 -0600

Instead of critique, I meant query X.X

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Little_Alex — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:59:08 -0600

Thank you very much for your input! Working on it now!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Little_Alex — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:58:28 -0600

Thanks for the input! Working on the clarification process now! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 15:59:46 -0600

Let me start by saying that I like the premiss for your novel! I find it original and I really hope that your characters are likable. So, I am by no means a master query-letter-ist, so take my critique with a grain of salt. Your query is really long. I know how hard it is when you've just finished written 60 000 words and you're proud of each and every turn in the novel, but you will have to meassure each plot point and see what is most important. Reading your query, I feel that Linhart's family drama is less important and can be cut out. Keep the rest of it short and clean. I know yours is a literary fantasy, so you probably still want your writing to shine through in the way it does, but try to cut down on the wordiness where you can and make longer sentences into two for readability. [quote=flopart] [Agents name etc etc] In Nuremberg, 1514, the great artist and wizard Albretch Durer imbues his friend's unborn child with the disposition of melanchonia, believed to cause either genius or insanity. insert hook here ex. The life of the unborn child would be flavoured by both [genious and insanity... I'd try to play on that]. Twenty years later, that child, Linhart Faust, has grown into a brilliant but socially awkward young man obsessed with uncovering universal truth. The religious conflicts and contradictions of the Reformation disappoint his passionate search for answers. He and his brother Deither come down with brain fever, and the rest of the family travels abroad, leaving them quarantined within the house. Despite his exhaustion, Linhart creates a potion that will cure the fever, but not in time to save his brother. When his family returns, his sister Apollonia becomes engaged to his rival, and his father wants to send him to learn book keeping at a copper mine in Kitzbuhl. This part would be good to summarize really short [Desperate to escape his disastrous personal life, Linhart tries to kill himself, only to accidentally summon a mysterious demon named Mephistopheles, who offers him the knowledge of magic in exchange for his soul.] could be two sentences. Keep it simple! ~~His ambition renewed, he decides that he might find his universal truth, if only he had enough time, and seeks the secret to immortality.~~ Could be shorter When he fails, and his life is cut short, Mephistopheles takes Linhart to the bureaucratic Corporeal Otherworld, an afterlife closer to The Garden of Earthly Delights than anything he'd ever seen in illuminated manuscripts. As punishment for his ambition, he's sent back to Earth to be imprisoned within the subconsciousness of men predicted to lead mediocre lives. But Linhart's attempts backfires, and his life is cut short. Furthermore, SOMEONE (who) punishes him for his ambition, and sentences him to spend the rest of the eternity imprissioned within the subconsciousness of one mediocre man after another. Four centuries later, ~~he's~~ Linhart is trapped inside the mind of Richard, an optimistic young Knell Telephone Labs programmer. ~~named Richard. During the height of the cybernetics craze and the Great Society, Richard believes that scientific understand will create the perfect society. However, as the decades pass,~~ When >/strong> Knell cuts funding for his experimental research, and Richard is the only one among his friends not to have invented anything. He shuts himself off from others and begins to drink ground water, and the contamination causes his mind to deteriorate. >strong> not clear enough. Is Richard fired or just at risk for being kicked? It's then that Richard starts hearing a voice in his head. It's the sometimes sympathetic, and sometimes nasty, commentary of Linhart. Linhart is amazed to discover he can communicate with his human container~~, an ability he had believed was impossible.~~ However, the embittered Richard dismisses the voice as "the little angel and devil on my shoulders", and continues his downward spiral. Refusing to be discouraged, Linhart decides to use this glitch as a window of opportunity to escape his own damnation. Meanwhile, Mephistopheles finds their indifference to the moral contradictions of the Corporeal Otherworld wavering, and decides to help. Now Linhart and Mephistopheles must work across dimensions, dodging the totalitarian authority of the Otherworld government, and trying to survive the dangerous landscape of the human mind, in order find a way to free themselves, even if it means sacrificing ever seeing Earth again. trye write the last two paragraphes much shorter TRAGICAL is a 60,000 word literary fantasy that would appeal to readers of Lev Grossman and Stephen Fry. be aware that name dropping can be dangerous, as it can create expectations. If you live up to these expectations that's absolutely no problem ;) Thank you for your time, [My name] [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:17:59 -0600

[quote]Laura Ebbens killed a man when she was six. ~~At least that's what her guilt says about the accident. Then, her guilt didn't know the man was essentially immortal, and that the only thing lethal to an immortal, is another immortal.~~[/quote] Love the opening sentence. However, your other sentences are confusing. You refer to "her guilt" like it's an actual person speaking and it throws me off. I would suggest something more like: "Laura Ebbens killed a man when she was six. The guilt from that crime has been haunting her ever since. But what she couldn't know is that she never killed anyone. The man she "killed" was immortal. [quote]At the age of twenty-six, Laura runs in with Tom whose death burdens her conscience. However, she learns that Tom isn’t dead. He is immortal, but wishes he wasn’t.Upon Laura’s discovery, Tom leaves, and Lui, an immortal from Tom’s past, appears. Lui knows how to make an immortal mortal, and persuades Laura to help him find Tom. When Lui reveals that ‘the cure’ is to kill another immortal, Laura questions his intentions, but after Ásgeirr shows up, she gets her explanation. Ásgeirr is an immortal that hunts other of his kind and arranges to have them kill each other. Lui has a vendetta with Ásgeirr, and wants to give him a taste of his own medication. However, Ásgeirr mistakes Laura for an immortal and poses an ultimatum. Laura must kill Lui by dusk, or people she loves will die. Lui and Laura modify Lui’s original plan, and continue to search for Tom. What they don’t know is that plan B puts more than Laura's life at stake, it will jeopardizes her mortality.[/quote] This isn't bad, but you're dropping a lot of names and things get confusing quickly. Also, we're not getting a good sense of what Laura's character really is, just the circumstances she is involved in. What is Laura's reaction to seeing the man she thought she killed alive and well? What are Tom's feelings, knowing that a little girl thought she killed him? I imagine there would be MASSIVE guilt complexes for both of them. There would be a lot to sort out. What is Laura's reaction to learning this man wants to die? Would she help him? Would she try to convince him to stay alive? Could she willingly help him to die again, knowing that this time she *would* be responsible? I feel like all of those questions are way more interesting than the complications of this immortal backstabbing war. Not that the latter can't happen, but the action is what complicates the goals of your characters. Right now I don't know what the goals of Tom and Laura are, only the goals of your villains, Lui and Asgeirr. The best questions to ask (and answer) for a query are: Who are the characters? What do they want? What are the stakes if they don't get it?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 22:05:50 -0600

[quote=fni] A second try. Saw away! Dear [Name], Laura Ebbens killed a man when she was six. ~~At least that's what her guilt says about the accident. Then, her guilt didn't know the man was essentially immortal, and that the only thing lethal to an immortal, is another immortal.~~ At the age of twenty-six, Laura runs in with Tom whose death burdens her conscience. However, she learns that Tom isn’t dead. He is immortal, but wishes he wasn’t. Upon Laura’s discovery, Tom leaves, and Lui, an immortal from Tom’s past, appears. Lui knows how to make an immortal mortal, and persuades Laura to help him find Tom. When Lui reveals that ‘the cure’ is to kill another immortal, Laura questions his intentions, but after Ásgeirr shows up, she gets her explanation. Ásgeirr is an immortal that hunts other of his kind and arranges to have them kill each other. Lui has a vendetta with Ásgeirr, and wants to give him a taste of his own medication. However, Ásgeirr mistakes Laura for an immortal and poses an ultimatum. Laura must kill Lui by dusk, or people she loves will die. Lui and Laura modify Lui’s original plan, and continue to search for Tom. What they don’t know is that plan B puts more than Laura's life at stake, it will jeopardizes her mortality.Name jam. I believe this is in one of the thou shalt nots. Do not mention more than three proper terms. Also, remember you need to connect events for the reader. The first paragraph does not connect to the second paragraph. This makes me think, it's in your head, but not on the paper. This seems like a list of events, but doesn't show character motivation. Events do not equal plot. Characters+character development+conflict+events==plot. Add in the necessary setting for us to understand the plot. LOVELY, OLD THINGS is a 65.000-words paranormal fiction. The novel is written to stand alone, but I have ideas for a sequel. [Something about attachment if requested] Thank you for your time, Fni [contact information] [/quote] I'd go back to the three questions and then find your something special. What does your character want? What will your character do to get it? What is your character risking in trying to get it? And then what do you want to sell it as special? In what way is it special for market? (Your answer has to be knowledgeable). Weave that into your blurb through the tone and the events you choose to demonstrate your main conflict.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:04:16 -0600

I agree with this: if your main character is the programmer with this ancient guy in his head, start your query there. Everything about the guy from the past is backstory and doesn't need to be in the query. Or, give a very short summary (maybe 2-3 sentences) of Linhart and then move on to the conflict in the present day. QueryShark recommends a limit of 250 words for a query, which is only 3 paragraphs or so. You need to introduce your character, then the conflict. If that gets the agent's attention, THEN you can send this kind of longer synopsis to explain the story in detail.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 23:42:53 -0600

Hmm, thanks for the crit! I know it's definitely way too long, and the cut suggestions are short. The main character is definitely Linhart however, and everything is mostly 3rd person limited from his perspective. Being stuck in Richard's head is one of his obstacles. Does this make it seem like Richard is the main character? I was certain it didn't but of course, that's what I need fresh eyes for. How can I word it so that Richard is still important but it's clearer that Linhart is in fact the main character, and that this story is his story first and foremost (in which case the stuff before is -not- backstory, it is -the- story)?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 07:27:14 -0600

Thank you! I agree that the charactization is lacking.. I tried to reduce the word count as much as possibe.. Obviously my charatcters suffered. And the aftermatch for Laura's confrontation with Tom could get a bit more focus. There's definately many emotions there. Also neither Laura or Lui wants Tom to die. Just regain his mortality... Immortality come with eternal youth, wich causes problem if you would wish to stay around some place or people, but keep a low profile... Does it sound like L and L are planing his death?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 23:43:09 -0600

*The cut suggestions are good

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fni — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 07:16:23 -0600

I think mentioning less about the circumstances in Richards life, and the focus on Linhart finding out he can speak to Richard, not Richard thinking he hear voices. Four centuries later, Linhart is trapped in the counciousness of Richard, a bla bla bla. When Richard goes from a regular mediocre man to a man on the brink of losing his job and senses, Linhart finds out that he can comunicate with his human container...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

flopart — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 14:25:06 -0600

Wow, thanks! Your feedback has been extremely helpful! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

FlameRaven — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:40:31 -0600

Honestly once I got to the second paragraph my eyes kind of glazed over from all the names, so it was hard to tell specifics. My mind sort of skimmed over it and went "uhhhh immortal backstabbing fest? Or something?" It seemed like you were trying to summarize half the novel's plot in one paragraph and I couldn't be bothered to sort out the details. All I knew was you had four characters and they were doing stuff. You could probably go slightly longer than this, just cut down on all the explanation. You don't have to tell us everything that happens in the novel, just get us interested. The first part is definitely fascinating: Laura running into the man she thought she killed. The rest is where it gets confusing.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:01:38 -0600

Lets see what all my reading of queries and critiques has taught me. First time critiquing one of these so take with grain of salt. Words in bold are ones I put in I thought would work better for you again take with grain of salt. [quote=MaraMoser]Please send help :) [Dear Agent], Daphne Kinlan was ten years old when she invented the best killing machine in the world. Brutal as it is, no one can deny that the Kinlan Roulette is fair, and it works. Eight years later, ~~the population of her world is nearing a manageable level despite a plague that causes every woman to bear three children instead of one.~~ Daphne has yet to invent anything else nearly as brilliant and spends all her time in a government apartment scribbling out useless blueprints. Her only friend being the bodyguard assigned to protect her. [/quote] Okay, so she created this killing machine. What did she think about having created something that kills so well? What is she feeling and thinking now eight years latter? You are telling about setting here not showing us anything about the character. You need to Show not tell. Remember you want to hook the agent to keep reading your query not stop after the first paragraph. here might be a good place to introduce the bodyguard giving a good lead in to him and helps give more feeling of how lonely the MC must be. [quote=MaraMoser]That changes when her bodyguard leaves her alone to ~~and only friend~~ rescues a prisoner from the Roulette. ~~It doesn’t matter that the workers there beat the prisoner nearly to death for no reason.~~ Stealing from the government is a crime so heinous nothing can justify it. Still Daphne would rather take the blame than lose her bodyguard forever, but she can’t stick around long enough to find out what her punishment will be.[/quote] Don't need the reason the bodyguard did what he chose to do. What did she think when he left her alone when he went to go rescue this prisoner? You want to keep things centered on your MC Daphne. Why can't she stick around? What makes her leave? [quote=MaraMoser]She brings her bodyguard, of course—she has never even left her apartment without him—and the prisoner. But the second Daphne sets foot in a faraway city, the government finds her. They will do anything to have her back under their control, and they make tempting offers to lessen her punishment under certain conditions. She will have to decide how much she is willing to risk for the life of a prisoner who she suspects didn’t even want to be rescued and who is none too happy to be in the company of the world’s most infamous inventor. And she will have to weigh the worth of her own, barely-discovered freedom. [/quote] don't use hyphens use () other then that this paragraph seems fine I guess [quote=MaraMoser]The Kinlan Roulette is a work of science fiction complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your time. [/quote] Ok one thing I know for certain in all the queries I have read here and on Query Shark is Titles should be in all caps "THE KINLAN ROULETTE"

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 22:24:43 -0600

[quote=MaraMoser] Please send help :) [Dear Agent], Daphne Kinlan was ten years old when she invented the best killing machine in the world. Brutal as it is, no one can deny that the Kinlan Roulette is fair, and it works. Eight years later, the population of her world is nearing a manageable level despite a plague that causes every woman to bear three children instead of one. Daphne has yet to invent anything else nearly as brilliant and spends all her time in a government apartment scribbling out useless blueprints. Smells like ordinary syndrome. We don't need ordinary character living a boring life. ~~That changes when her bodyguard and only friend rescues a prisoner from the Roulette.~~Eight years later, her only friend and bodyguard rescues a prisoner from the Roulette. ~~It doesn’t matter that the workers there beat the prisoner nearly to death for no reason.~~Say what matters instead of what doesn't matter--raise the stakes here. ~~Stealing from the government is a crime so heinous nothing can justify it.~~Why? Hint at it instead of being mysterious about it. Stealing from the government means death. Or means taking the very thing she loves (to be movie cheesy), etc. Daphne would rather take the blame than lose her bodyguard forever, but she can’t stick around long enough to find out what her punishment will be.You diffused your stakes by saying she'd taking the blame and then getting away--you need to raise, not lower the tension. ~~She brings her bodyguard, of course—she has never even left her apartment without him—and the prisoner.~~ But the second Daphne sets foot in a faraway city, the government finds her. Too vague. You have an oppurtunity to drop details about the world/setting. Take it. Tighten this up. They will do anything to have her back under their control, and they make tempting offers to lessen her punishment under certain conditions. She will have to decide how much she is willing to risk for the life of a prisoner ~~who she suspects didn’t even want to be rescued and who is none too happy to be in the company of the world’s most infamous inventor.~~ And she will have to weigh the worth of her own, barely-discovered freedom. Weak stakes. I thought her bodyguard was the one in trouble and that's what her want is. The Kinlan Roulette is a work of science fiction complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your time. [/quote] The Want is a bit weak. The voice is about right, though you keep backing up ion yourself which is frustrating. I'll demonstrate the movie version of this: The dog was walking--but was it? Oh no, it was running, or was it? No, it was trotting, but dogs can't trot... or can they? You can see how frustrating that can get after a while. You have a bunch of these sentences. The world was fine, but it wasn't. The body guard was fine, but he wasn't. Decide and tighten up. Also the query seems to want to create suspense, but the thing is that to do that you need high stakes and a really solid want out of the character. Example: Daphne is willing to do anything to bring down the Kinlan Roulette after they kidnapped her bodyguard and long time friend. But if she does, they will kill the prisoner that her friend rescued from a government facility--a man who is the head of a foreign government with enough nuclear material to start World War III. And she? She has the means to make this weapon. If she does not deliver it in 24 hours, the Kinlan Roulette will not only kill her friend, but will also make sure that the prisoner will also be killed, endangering the world. Time limits are icing on the stakes cake. ^_^ >.<;; Hours of watching Burn Notice and La Femme Nikita and Nikita pay off. (You probably can guess which episodes I took that from. =P) Raise your stakes through the roof, make it personal, make it dangerous, etc. And if you're stuck, then it's time to revise with that in mind--read more suspense and tactical books/watch more of those types of shows.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

MaraMoser — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:33:26 -0600

Ahh, thank you both so much! :) Very good points and I will revise accordingly. Or try to. Lol. (I will also attempt a crit of the next couple queries posted, so we'll see how that goes)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

LadyStarlea — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 10:44:06 -0600

This is only the 2nd of these I have critique please take with grain of salt. First off this was an interesting read for me. I like the concept. [quote=Katarinea] Dear , "I have no home. I have nothing of my own, not even my body. Everything I once knew and held dear is now dead or a world away." interesting line, it grabs the attention nicely. Not sure of the how correct it is to quote dialog or thoughts from the book. But I do like it. Only you do not know who is saying or thinking that. Elika and Areya are two women, ripped from their lives and sold into slavery. Now, they live in the palace of the sun and moon god of Raliria. Areya was once a renowned blademistress in her own country. Now, she is nothing more than a slave of the heir to the throne; she may be his favorite, but that only means demeaning abuse for her. Elika was once a loving wife and expecting mother. Now, she is simply the favorite slave of the high priest, surrounded with loneliness and a culture that is radically different from her own in many ways. Though their lives are filled with expensive clothes, beautiful jewelry, and no hard work, they yearn for nothing save freedom. This is well done. Interesting how they are slaves of different people makes me wonder how the two of them meet and escape together? Also makes me wonder what happened to the baby that Elika was expecting before she was taken as a slave for the high priest. And they will settle for nothing short of freedom. An ambitious plan of escape is concocted, and though it is successful, their journey is far from finished, and far from safe. The journey back to Keren's who is Keren? village is fraught with bounty posters, angry soldiers, and strange encounters. But even home isn't what it used to be. . . WAVES OF FREEDOM: THE SHINING CAGE is a 60,000 word ~~book, the first in a series of~~ epic fantasy, the first in a series of novels that narrate the journey of two women to freedom, for themselves, those they love, and the rest of their world. Everyone knows it is a book. Do not need to say it. If you word it this way, stating the genre with the word count then mention it is first of a series makes a better statement. Have at thee. (posting this is more than mildly scary) [/quote] Anyways hope this helps you some. Good luck with it.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 10:46:40 -0600

[quote=Katarinea] Dear , ~~"I have no home. I have nothing of my own, not even my body. Everything I once knew and held dear is now dead or a world away."~~ Do not quote the book. You've now read it twice. I auto-skipped this line the first time anyway. Elika and Areya are two women, ripped from their lives and sold into slavery. Now, they live in the palace of the sun and moon god of Raliria. Areya was once a renowned blademistress blech. Just say it--blacksmith. No Smeerps. in her own country. Now, Second now in a row. Instead of now, now, start with the beginning of the conflict. Third false start. she is nothing more than a slave of the heir to the throne; she may be his favorite, but that only means demeaning abuse for her. Elika was once a loving wife and expecting mother. Now, she is simply the favorite slave of the high priest, surrounded with loneliness and a culture that is radically different from her own in many ways. Though their lives are filled with expensive clothes, beautiful jewelry, and no hard work, they yearn for nothing save freedom. Fluffy. This can be cut down to: Elika was once a black smith but now is a slave, trapped in castle, wanting only freedom from her captor, a priest. The rest of it is fluff and doesn't really tell much about who, but a lot about what. WHO is Elika. ~~And they will settle for nothing short of freedom. An ambitious plan of escape is concocted, and though it is successful, their journey is far from finished, and far from safe.~~ Waste of space and a lot of telling no showing. You established they want freedom. Here you say what they will do to get it. Though the first paragraph is more about Elika, not Areya. The journey back to Keren's Use the search and replace... it's on most word processorss, even stupid notepad village is fraught with bounty posters, angry soldiers, and strange encounters. The list... that's in the DO NOTs in my first post on this thread, first page. But even home isn't what it used to be. . .All too mysterious disease doesn't capture me. What? No stakes? Where are the stakes? Look at the three questions again. ~~WAVES OF FREEDOM:~~ THE SHINING CAGE Using colons is looked down upon...The second is a better title and more in the genre you're aiming first. The first is cheesy. is a [Fantasy] 60,000 word book~~, the first in a series of epic fantasy novels that narrate the journey of two women to freedom, for themselves, those they love, and the rest of their world~~. Have at thee. (posting this is more than mildly scary) [/quote] Read the three questions, and a bunch of query letters--it doesn't seem you read the post at all. You are falling short on some of the very basics. Being a slave is a WHAT, not a WHO. I'll break it down for you since it might help others out. Characters are basically simplified versions of humans, because humans by nature are filled with hypocrisies that does make much sense nor that one can fit into a story. Humans, by nature, are made up of a history that goes back to the beginning of time. This is their WHO. From that people put on labels, but labels are "Whats" not whos. For example, a what is Hispanic. A brown-haired person. CIS person. A who is the person prefers soccer to basketball. From the history of choices, and the person's own and from the what is how the person defines themselves. How other people see that manifestation of self being applied from what they know of the person--that's personality. Break down: History of choices from the beginning of time inside and outside of the person's control is a WHO. Physical appearance, profession and those listy lists that people make for characters are almost always WHATs. (This includes sexual orientation. Self definition is the thing that an individual chooses from their history of choices (their own and others) and WHATs. Personality is one's definition of others through their own history of choices. (This is why people can disagree on personalities.) We are looking more for the history of choices of the individual, which most people put more weight on as being a good way to define personality. Because your mother chose a reindeer sweater for Christmas for you that's garish and forced you to wear it--most people would put that on your mother, despite you having to wear it. The what is the sweater. The fact you are forced to wear it is a choice (obviously not all yours). So the fact that you like Gucci and Chanel would be a better reflection of how you self-define. And that's the thing we are searching for in the first paragraph. A bunch of choices made by the character that lead us to think of a personality for your character. Your character Alika self-identifies herself as a loving mother and a slave, but those are whats. We need a who, which will define her and capture our hearts. This is why the character WHO comes first. Who is this character? Persistent? Caring? Loving? Is there a flaw to overcome? Once you have that then you can SHOW events through the main conflict that helps us identify the character's personality. You might not think you can do this through a query letter, but it really is simple. You just show the *choices* the character initially makes when faced with the conflict. For example, When Alika was captured, she vowed that one day she would come back for her daughter and free her land from oppression. Trapped in a gilded cage, she tried many times to escape. First choice, make a vow. Second choice, vow revenge and freedom. Third choice, try to escape though the place she's living is gilded. You stake the choices together and you get a sense of the personality of the character. After SHOWING the conflict--she's a slave. (Up the stakes and make her a concubine, for example, and layer it with why she's there, for example to conceive the priest's child... whatever gives your story flavor) then you SHOW what she's going to do about it. For example: After 5 years of imprisonment with nothing but the thoughts of her children, she finds a small hidden passageway through the prison in the castle (Be specific). After a month of preparing supplies, she escapes, but not without the priests chasing after her. The guards block her path, but when she finds her village, in their wrath, they burned it to the ground. However--the thing she returned for, her children are still somewhere. (Something like that) Then you up the stakes cake. For example, the priest has one of the children or her husband. If she doesn't bear the priest's child, they will be killed. Layer in the enemy's motivation here as well. For example, bear their savior... whatever it is.) Make the choice GOOD and make it HARD to make. As long as you think specific, detail, relevant to the MAIN plot, you can get this to be much tighter. I'd also cut Areya--not important as you have her.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 11:28:47 -0600

Thank you! I didn't realize I wrote Keren instead of Elika. . .I just changed main character #2's name from Keren to Elika, and I still haven't entirely adjusted to writing Elika instead of Keren. I'm not entirely sure on the intro, either; I haven't read anything that says you CAN'T quote from the book in your query letter, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I sat and stared at my computer for a while before I could think of something that appropriately grabbed attention and gave a look into the story. Initially, it was just a statement. "you have. . .", etc, but I decided it worked better this way.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 10:49:46 -0600

*This includes sexual orientation, gender, sex, creed, religion, body ability, physical description and ethnicity (Ethnicity doesn't always fit physical description. ^_^). Or why I dislike the lists for characters. They never tell me the who. And yes, gender and sex are different things.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:05:35 -0600

I didn't know that quoting the book was a no -- I've read over several different places and their guidelines for query letters, and it wasn't mentioned. I'll work on it. Also, Areya is not a blacksmith, she is actually a blademistress. The concept is explained within the story, but the idea is that if it's a sharp weapon, she can use it. Elika and Areya are also two different people -- they are the two main characters. I've taken note of how fluffy the second paragraph is, and am looking for ways to pare it down. In addition, I've changed the name reference; I wrote the query letter after I changed the name, and I didn't think to check the query letter for instances of oops-wrong-name. I didn't think about the stakes thing -- thank you for catching that. I do intend for this to be a series, which is why I have the title arranged so. The title is only the working title, and has changed since I posted the letter. Areya is also an important character, and I'm trying to find the balance between the two. Thank you for your critique! I definitely cringed a little bit, which is good. I need hard critique!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 11:50:10 -0600

I just realized that I posted this as a reply to the thread, not a reply to the comments on my last query. *headdesk*

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 17:11:47 -0600

Still don't know what the characters wants. At this point Absolute Write would say: Pick one character and stick with her. I keep trying to make it work, though... ^^;; But yeah, this might benefit from the single character. What does the character want? Show that through the choice she makes *without* the word choice. (You know the first grade exercise of making a definition without using it. My first grade, at least. =P) What does the character want that goes deeper than just freedom. She clearly wants to go to her village, but WHY. You need a stakes layer cake. Layer in that conflict in. Don't be afraid of it. Frankly, vengeance is a better conflict than wanting freedom which is too nebulous, make it clear what she wants and why she wants it.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 18:09:37 -0600

Thank you for helping me so -- I've never been terribly good at pinpointing exactly what draws other people in, since I am admittedly Rather Strange. (and I definitely learned that in first grade; did they move it up because it was too complicated or summat?) *nosedives back into the letter* working on it!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 00:33:31 -0600

In the land of Raliria, freedom is a precious commodity. Blademistress Areya of the Mau’kish islands and Se’no Elika of Tistan have been brutally torn from their lives and forced into slavery. Bitterness envelops Areya as her God refuses to answer her prayers and deliver her from her slave-bonds, and Elika’s misery only grows the longer she stays in the palace, away from her husband. Death is the penalty for those to try to break free, but their desperation drives them to attempt it. They barely succeed, and flee the palace without a single look behind them. Once free, Elika pushes herself to the limits, resolute to reach home and put the memory of her stillborn child to rest. Areya and a child slave tag along behind her, and while there is no bounty for Elika, the bounty on the blademistress’s head is high enough to tempt a rich man. The journey is perilous, and their homecoming is filled with grief instead of joy. They find Tistan utterly destroyed, and Elika swears that she will never rest until her husband and child have been avenged, until there are no slaves. . . until the whole world is free. I like this much better, but I'm not entirely sure about it. You wouldn't believe how much just formulating this has changed the story. It's rather ridiculous.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 09:33:42 -0600

READ THE FIRST PAGE. This thread is for books that are FINISHED and DONE 100% edited (through probably at least 7 drafts of you're nuts, go rewrite this) (Absolute Write says that Absolute Write Query Hell boards are not a personal service to help you fix your story. Your story should be DONE by the time you post. If you get caught doing that on absolute write they tell you in no uncertain terms, you are to finish the story first.) You didn't give it 24 hours. You gave it 8 hours, probably off the cuff after seeing the post. At this point, really do read Miss Snark, Query Shark, Absolute Write's Query Hell, and Evil Editor. The link is on the first page with all the tips you'll ever need). I have a sneaky suspicion you didn't get to read any of those and what makes a successful query letter, especially with the short turn around. Walk away from the query letter at least 24 hours after a critique. (I'm slower, though, it often takes me a week to rethink it through.) Again, only post queries for finished books. If you can't fix your query to do the three questions properly, then start a brainstorming thread. (Just don't make it a wallowing thread--I got no idea what I'm doing thread.)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Katarinea — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 13:42:40 -0600

I've read through all of those except Evil Editor. I wrote the query because I wanted to be able to encapsulate the book, which helps me re-write it, and it also helped spur me on to my goal. Working on the query has done exactly what I hoped it would: it helped me figure out just what, exactly, the story is about, and it's helped me made some hard plot and character changes. . .just through the letter.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:22:08 -0600

You could have just used the three questions to do that without wasting critiquers along the way--think of it this way--once someone sees your blurb a few times, you've burned them. They aren't going to be useful to you anymore because they are *used* to your quirks. Good critiquers are hard to come by, why waste them? Do not use query forums as a service--they aren't meant for that--they are meant for fully-formed books that you really intend to query. People really do get testy when they find you haven't formed your book and don't know how to write yet and are trying to use a query for this. I can prove that. Query Shark said in #216 December 23rd [quote] And what do you mean by fully written? Do you mean it's finished? I always assume a novel is finished before you query because (cue lights, choir of angels and balloon cascade) You Don't Query A Novel Before It's Done, Revised, Polished, Revised and Polished Again. Typing The End isn't even close to being finished. [/quote] Did you ignore that advice? Then again on the advice portion of this forum, says the same thing (taken from Miss Snark) Then again taken from other critiquers who got upset in previous years--they really do want to help, but you're wasting their time and their good intentions because you don't know how to form a good book yet. It creates lots of bad feelings all around. And then again from Absolute Write. Both in the query section of the website and elsewhere. The thing is that if you take good intentions and waste them, you are likely to create bad feelings. Bad feelings means less critiques in the future because no one will take you seriously. You, as a writer, will live on the ability of your critiquers to be damned good, and if you burn through them in the first go, that's no good. You can also have great critiquers, but find they aren't good for your story--don't waste the good ones early. If you want to reformat your story, find an alpha reader to help reformat your story. They are hard to find, but not impossible. They will be far more useful to you than wasting your time on the last step of getting published. Believe me, having one can save your butt. (I had three that saved my novel from gutter trash to rewrite pain in the butt--7 rewrites 14 drafts, I believe. Time and distance told me I need a fifteenth draft, but only a few minor tweaks to get there.) Do not waste on a query... query critiquing is really difficult to find someone who does it well.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:23:10 -0600

*Query Shark's Janet Reid said. =P Sorry Ms. Reid.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

MaraMoser — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:17:03 -0600

Hello, this is my first time critiquing one of these and I have only the faintest idea what I'm doing, so maybe you'll get at least one good comment out of this! (Didn't read your previous versions fwiw) [quote=Little_Alex] Dear (Agent’s name), Lauren Campbell is out to rid her world of all the corrupt people in it which, if necessary, includes herself. Do you really need this line? For sixteen-year-old Lauren there are two types of people in the world: good and evil. After moving to a boarding school to escape the evil Is there a way to elaborate on this “evil” in even a couple words because I’m imagining she lives with an evil sorceress or something. I think I’d like some (brief) insight into why Lauren has this black and white mindset three hundred miles back home, she manages to make friends with good, virtuous people, despite a gang of bullies buzzing around her like flies. But when Lauren is tricked away while her roommate is raped, she realizes she can’t sit back anymore. Though she has sworn not to tell anyone what happened, ~~she is driven by a strong sense of responsibility. She decides that~~ she will figure out who did this to her roommate and bring them down herself. I think this last point that she swore not to tell anyone but is going to find the perpetrator anyways gets long, so I made an attempted restructure She goes after the obvious choice, the bullies, only to learn they saved her roommate. They tell her it was one of her friends, ~~the friends she thought to be so good.~~ I just don’t like that phrase...haha Although feeling betrayed, Lauren can’t stop the hunt; she’s finally found a place she fits in and she’ll take any risk to make this new home worth the move. Well does she really fit in if her good friends aren’t so good anymore? Her eyes are opened to her own capacity for evil, however, when one of those risks involves attempting to murder her best friend. Whoa, what? This is interesting… Now on a dangerous spiral downward, she must race to destroy the evil in her world before she destroys herself. I think there’s a way to make this last paragraph better. Is there any way to explain briefly why she has to murder her best friend? I feel like that’s the takeaway point here and the choice Lauren has to make—between murdering her best friend or letting the crime against her roommate go unpunished? Is that it at all? I can see the story in here but for me there’s a disconnect. So Lauren’s black-and-white view of the world is turned on its head and she has to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t as good as she thought...by murdering her best friend? I just want to know why! (maybe an explanation isn’t actually necessary for the query, idk…but I want to know on a personal basis) OUTSIDE OF US is a 64,000 word young adult contemporary novel. This is my first novel. I have enclosed [submission requirements] as per your submission guidelines. Well you followed the directions! I can reliably tell you that much haha. Thank you for your time and consideration, (My Name) [/quote] I think this story sounds really interesting! My two main suggestions are maybe some careful rewording in the first paragraph to explain Lauren's extreme way of viewing the world, so that the second paragraph is appropriately dramatic when her ideals are turned upside down. And as I mentioned, something more concrete in the second paragraph regarding the one plot point (killing her best friend?) that encapsulates her struggle. Okay, I hope this helped or at least made sense. Good luck!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Little_Alex — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 22:53:27 -0600

Thank you very much! Though it is your first time critiquing, I'll give every comment equal thought and work into the next draft. Your insight was very helpful, so thank you! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

L-live — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 00:16:41 -0600

I don't feel like I'm giving the most original advice, but I think you're telling and not showing. As a query letter, overall, I found it hard to read and follow. Perhaps take a look at the simple "want-dilemma-solution" or whatever they call it "formula". Anyway, take with a grain of salt (holy shit that's cheesy). Just my opinion. Here is what I have so far, a rather ... short .. query letter. lol. Thank you! David Leung isn't just any spoiled, passive aggressive teenager who enjoys selling "a few grams of coke" for graphic sneakers; he also enjoys Nabokov, Japanese New Wave films, and meditating on the nature of sin while he commits them. However, in the second semester of Grade Twelve, he is exiled to Haikou, China when his parents find out about his drug dealing habit. There he meets Little Ace, an "ugly, stupid loser" but "with helpless optimism"; besides short-changing customers in his parents' convenience store and skipping school, all Little Ace wants is to be the "King of the Children", or to someday manage an arcade. In ten days David bails out on his prestigious school and his aunt's apartment to join Ace's "Cult of Youth". In twenty David learns the ins and outs of the city with his friends. But one by one the hangout group gets forced back into school, or to work, or to live with relatives, and soon Ace and David are the only ones left, with no jobs, no school, no home, and only a vague blueprint of Ace's arcade. Then, on Day 56, Little Ace goes too. Rich Young Losers is a multicultural YA novel complete at 56,000 words. [blah blah blah, various courtesies]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

leurz — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:04:39 -0600

Oh heavens me! 164k is very very very long, even for an epic fantasy. Many agents will insta-reject something that size. Can you edit, say, 60k words out of it? Or maybe chop it in half? Now for the actual query (grain of salt, I'm no pro!) I'm super overwhelmed by all the names and non English words. I think you need to pare down to absolute minimum. My brain can probably handle: Wu, Archmage Kambooli, Drathraq Empire at maximum. Your plot is: Final Fantasy X with a space setting and time shifting element. (At least that's what it looks like, especially since the query started with "as always") Your agent will totally get it without so much explanation. Keep the first couple sentences, then you could spend less time talking about danger and more about Archmage Kambooli. Who is he, and how did he get into the princess protection biz? Why did he get picked for the job anyway if he is such a drug addicted loser? What hidden strength lies in his soul that actually makes him an ideal candidate? Sounds like an interesting read. I love time-shifty stories. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 03:28:52 -0600

[quote=Kamboolii] Dear [Name] As always, --Huh? I don't think this makes any sense. the Wu--the who? sends three: warrior, mage and archer. The task is simple, return a Princess to her rightful Kingdom where she will replace her murdered mother as Queen and defend her Kingdom from the invading Drathraq legions. Are queens getting axed a regular event? Led by the insane ArchMage Chambeeta Kamboolii, the agents of the Wu arrive in a blast of lightning and begin their track across the wilds of a primitive Kuduu-infested back-water planet where every plant is an enemy and every ally has interests of their own. This sentence is too specific in the beginning (it doesn't matter how they arrive), too vague and confusing at the end (allies that have interests of their own? Too vague. And where'd they get allies in the first place? I thought it was just the three), and too long. Compound sentences are not your friend. Chased by Drathraq shape-shifters and contract mercenaries intent on killing the reluctant Princess, the drug-addicted Kamboolii must somehow muddle his way through the obstacles placed before him while keeping his ward and his companions alive, a task made more difficult by his need to stop at every tavern he crosses. --ugh. That is one crazy long sentence. Consider: Kamboolii and his companions are pursued by Drathraq shapeshifters (no hyphen) and mercenaries at every turn. (It keeps the focus on Kamboolii, and we can assume the Drathraq and mercenaries want to kill him.) Keeping the Princess and his partners alive is tough enough. It doesn't help that he has to stop at every tavern he comes across. I like the last line, and it makes me sad to see it adrift in a sea of run-ons. Give it its own sentence. Never has so dull a tool been pitted against so monumental a problem. I'm not seeing what's so monumental. And it's not just him, right? He's got the warrior, the archer, and a Princess who can save her kingdom from invading Drathraq legions. Ditch the witty line, it's confusing. Beginning in Paradox TITLE IN ALL CAPS is the first novel in a trilogy that pits the cross-realm regulatory agency known as the Wu say this sooner. We want to know who the Wu are. against the aggressive forces of the spreading Drathraq Empire. From the Kuduu-infested world of Minth, to the forbidden world of Xull, and finally to the besieged world of Em, the agents of the Wu cross the boundaries of time leaving waves of alternative outcomes and unthreaded realities in their wake. Guided by future actions they may never accomplish, they must find their way through multiple outcomes to the one destination resulting in the survival of the realmhead and the resolution of the paradox that they unwittingly began. what? What??? Minth? Xull? Em? You have place soup (like character soup, but places). Especially since none of it is important to your query. And I forgot this before, but Kuduu? Do we need to know the name? And... Waves of alternate outcomes? Unthreaded realities? Future actions they may never accomplish? Leave this out. Especially since there's nothing in the rest of the query about time travel. I am utterly baffled after this paragraph. That is a very very bad thing. BEGINNING in PARADOX, PART 1: KULDORII is 164K word epic fantasy, the first in a three-part series detailing the journey of the ArchMage Kamboolii. [/quote] I think you've got a great idea. I'm just not sure about the execution. You've got the basic idea. Watch for name soup. Explain the Wu. And think about starting with Kamboolii. He seems to be introduced too late. Consider: Archmage Kamboolii is selected as the Mage for the Wu's next mission. (just calling it a 'mission' gives a better idea the Wu are some sort of agency.) He, along with the Archer and the Warrior, must bring the Princess back to take the throne after the Queen is murdered. Also, set the stakes up in a neater way. Without the Princess, the Kingdom will crumble under the attacks of Drathraq legions. Last, I'm going to partially agree with the above post. You are telling, not showing at times, and I feel like you're showing the wrong things. Things like "arriving with a flash of lightning" (or whatever it was, I'm too lazy to look) aren't important. You tell us he's drug addicted, and you show us he stops at every bar. Cut the tell, leave the show. It's nicer to read and less redundant. And after a final format check, my critique is done and I can go to sleep.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

leurz — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:09:49 -0600

Hey, you're supposed to start your own reply to the entire thread for your own query, separate from any critiques you give. Also, PLEASE read the first post and check out the recommended blogs. Then revise and try again. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 10:38:28 -0600

David Leung isn't just any spoiled, passive aggressive teenager who enjoys selling "a few grams of coke" for graphic sneakers; he also enjoys Nabokov, Japanese New Wave films, and meditating on the nature of sin while he commits them. Actually, that sounds a lot like any other spoiled, passive-agressive teenager to me. What's more snotty than being a hipster? I already hate this character. (I hope we're supposed to hate him at the beginning.) However, in the second semester of Grade Twelve, he is exiled to Haikou, China when his parents find out about his drug dealing habit. This sentence is backwards; try "When his parents find out about his drug-dealing, he is exiled to China." Based on the character's name, I assume his family is from China originally, but why not add some pep? Has he been sent to his aunty and uncle in Bel Air to get him away from a bad crowd? I don't care where in China he goes, but to whom and why. (Is he just being punished for the drugs or are his parents trying to get him away from a bad clique, or trying to scare him straight? Do they perceive him as being the guilty party or is it the hooligans he hangs out with?) There he meets Little Ace, an "ugly, stupid loser" but "with helpless optimism"; OMG, what's "helpless optimism?" And "ugly, stupid loser?" Way too cliche. Even if your protagonist speaks that way because he's a teenager (clearly he's not the literary type that he thinks he is), you shouldn't speak that way in your query letter, because the sin becomes yours, not your character's. besides short-changing customers in his parents' convenience store and skipping school, all Little Ace wants is to be the "King of the Children", or to someday manage an arcade. So, is David running with the wrong crowd again? You need to couch his relationship with Ace in terms of what it does to him. Otherwise, what Ace wants to do or be is irrelevant. In ten days David bails out on his prestigious school and his aunt's apartment to join Ace's "Cult of Youth". In twenty David learns the ins and outs of the city with his friends. But one by one the hangout group gets forced back into school, or to work, or to live with relatives, and soon Ace and David are the only ones left, with no jobs, no school, no home, and only a vague blueprint of Ace's arcade. Then, on Day 56, Little Ace goes too. You have almost enough words for a query letter as it stands now, but it's clear you aren't finished. Which means you're falling into the trap of a summary rather than a query letter. That's VERY common, though. In fact, I tend to start a draft of a query letter by making a summary, then cutting out everything that's not ESSENTIAL to understand the plot and/or the characters. Also, cut out anything that's not exciting or intriguing. So far, your book sounds very boring. But I'm thinking the interesting part really happens where your query letter ends. Do any plans for this arcade materialize? Do they re-create a Lord of the Flies society in the middle of China? I'm thinking if you finish your summary, you'll be able to introduce David and his situation in one sentence, and what happens to him in China will be the meat of your query letter.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kamboolii — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:21:30 -0600

164K is long? I've already chopped it into three pieces. Looks like I'll be self publishing then. It would be really difficult to chop much more out of it. I guess I could focus more on Kamboolii. That might work. I can't say too much about why he was chosen though, it would ruin the entire plot. That's part of the problem with drafting a query on this particular book. Explaining it destroys it. Does that matter to an agent? Should I explain that Kamboolii will be crossing himself in time and in the end helps construct a world that programs millions of alternate versions of himself and sends them back to their own timelines so that they'll know the future as he's given it to them? Or that he typically "lives" portions of the future and sends that information back to previous versions of himself who then change the past and split the timeline? It's very difficult to determine what to say about all this. When you're in the story, it makes sense because the characters are just "doing" it and not talking about it. When you're trying to talk about it, it just sounds crazy.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 03:34:18 -0600

Oh, yes. The grain of salt: this is the first critique I've offered. However, I've read all the posts here, all of Miss Snark, and all of Query Shark. I'd like to think I've picked up at least a little something. Hope it helps.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kamboolii — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 10:53:42 -0600

Thanks. That was very helpful. Personally, I found the query to be dull. It didn't excite me after I re-read it. I want it to be exciting, but I'm not sure how to do it. Back to square one I think. Thanks for helping.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:23:06 -0600

Emily Dawson just wants to be able to close her eyes without seeing Amanda’s face. Or to think about her without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Or even to walk down the street without seeing her “missing” flyers plastered to everything with a flat surface. (I have read that rhetorical questions are a no-no in query letters... although I admit I sometimes feel prone to use them myself.) But Emily fears what Amanda's boyfriend will do if she tells, so she remains silent. (You might want to better hint at what the boyfriend did.) But the guilt of not telling is eating Emily alive--especially when she starts having feelings for Amanda’s brother. How is she supposed to look into those gray eyes that she has come to love and know that she can never tell him the one thing he wants to know? (I think there's too little information in your query. You need to take the reader right up to the very last conflict/tension at the end of the book. Right now, I'm not sure if the story is going to be more about Emily exposing the dark secret or if it's going to be more about her relationship with Amanda's brother. I don't know if this is a suspense/mystery-type story or a romance. Also, keep in mind that your sentences need to be powerful. You don't want words like "almost" or "just getting home;" those words take away the force of your sentence. "Almost eating Emily alive" is much weaker than "eating Emily alive." There's much more tension and drama in the second sentence.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

keriamon — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:39:56 -0600

IDENTITY CRISIS is the riveting tale about what can happen when our memories become pawns in the crime solving game. Don't use the word "riveting," It's cliche and egotistical for you to say it (it's perfectly alright for everyone else to say it, though!). Delete this entirely. For Research Scientist Max Duncan, life is good. He has a loving wife and daughter, and a career he is very passionate about. But in one day, all of this changed. Second sentence is lame (I mean this not as an insulting term but as a description of a weak and useless sentence). You need to start with the conflict/problem, not with the status quo for your character. Cut this entirely and start with the second paragraph. After a disappointing meeting with regional director Maggie Huffington, Max is faced with the very real possibility of laying off several of his workers at Axis Pharmaceuticals. Stopping at a liquor store on his way home from work, Max becomes a witness to the brutal murder of the liquor store clerk. Sophie Bainbridge, an off duty federal agent with the Information Retrieval Unit, sees the shooting and rescues Max from the tragic seen. Shocked from incident, Max is unable to recall anything he might have seen during the brutal killing of the clerk. Sophie and her supervisor, Special Agent Michael Johansson, perform an Information Retrieval on Max which will render his memories to be used to solve the crime, but will also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. Max Duncan is gone from the world. Way too many names for a query letter. You want Max's name in there, obviously, but the only other names that need to appear are people who are VITAL to the story. For a romance, this would be the love interest. For a crime story, it might be the victim or it might be a partner. Only people whom the story revolves around should have a name. Following a terrible car accident, Agent Daniel Smith experiences several episodes of déjà vu, as well as vivid dreams which he cannot seem to explain. Even more suspicious, around every corner is reference to a scientist named Max Duncan. Mystified by these episodes, Daniel and his partner Sophie try to figure out the connection between Daniel’s dreams and Max Duncan, a man the world believes is dead. So, is "Daniel Smith" really Max with his new identity? If so, why is Sophie trying to figure out his identity? Shouldn't she remember him from the liquor store? And how did he go from being a scientist to an agent. And if Daniel Smith is not Max, then why is his name mentioned at all? You need to show me the importance of this character or eliminate his name from the query. Overall, I'm confused about where the story goes after Max gets his memory erased. I think you need to rethink that entire last paragraph. And how does all of his memory get erased? Is there an element of secret technology or sci-fi at work there? During IDENTITY CRISIS, the reader will be taken into the dark and secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit, and its creator Special Agent Michael Johansson, a man who cannot overcome the loss of his young wife. Ethical and philosophical questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. Kill this entire paragraph. The first sentence is a no-no sort of sentence. Secondly, I don't care about Michael Johansson, because the story is about Max (and if it's not, then you need to rework the first part of the query). If you have multiple main characters, Turtledove-style, then you need to tell Michael's story parallel with Max's; right now, Max seems like the only MC. As for the last sentence, you're telling, not showing. And most of it is already obvious by just the mention that Max is going to have his entire memory erased. It's inferred that the book will deal with themes of memory and identity.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ValentineRose28 — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:09:08 -0600

Thanks so much for your advice! I had actually re-written this right after I posted it, and I think it's a bit better now. Emily Dawson is playing a very dangerous game. She has gotten herself involved in a gamble in which she could lose everything that she has come to know: her friends, her family, or even her life. After getting home from a year-long absence, Emily knows that reuniting with her family and friends isn’t going to be easy. Already she can’t close her eyes without seeing Amanda’s face. Of course, it doesn’t help that her flyers are plastered to anything with a flat surface. But the hardest part is that Emily knows where the missing girl is- the one everyone has been looking for since last winter- and that single secret could cost her everything. And the cause for all of her deceitful lying comes down to one, cowardly reason: she’s scared. She’s scared of being hated, scared of being seen as a monster. But most of all, she’s scared of what Amanda’s boyfriend will do to her if she tells. But the guilt of not telling is eating Emily alive, especially when she starts having feelings for Amanda’s older brother. How is she supposed to look into those gray eyes that she has come to love and know that she can never tell him the one thing he wants to know? WHAT HAPPENED THEN is a novel of approximately 56,000 words in the young adult genre about a girl struggling to choose between what she knows to be right, and what she knows to be safe. Thank you for your time and consideration of my novel. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, (Name) (number) (email)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:18:29 -0600

Thanks for the input. I clearly need the guidance! The story does have multiple main characters, which I tried to show with this. In fact, that is one of the things I struggled with during the writing of the novel. I still have much work to do. This query is an exercise for me in learning the process. I will rethink it, and modify. I don't want to divulge the entire storyline, do I? I was thinking more of the "back cover of a book jacket". Thanks again!

Re: Query Letter Crritiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:42:24 -0600

Wow, this is a pretty great query. I want to read it even though I have not read a single Catherine Coulter novel. Now for some tidying up. Shock pervades Max during his debriefing, and he is unable to recall any specifics about the clerk’s murder. Two IRU agents perform an Information Retrieval on Max which will render his memories to be used to solve the crime, but will also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. I do not like this sentence, but I like what it contains if that makes any sense. I think that it can be condensed, and from your writing ability, I know that you are capable of doing it. The remaining two sentences of the paragraph are good. Agent Daniel Smith. Is he the same person that rescued Max from the murder scene? If so, then I think it is safe to mention him earlier in the query. Set in modern day Baltimore, IDENTITY CRISIS is a mystery/suspense novel, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series, due to its fast pace and level of suspense. During IDENTITY CRISIS, the reader will be taken into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit. Ethical and questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. I am of two views of this type of paragraph. It includes much of the technical information that is needed, but there is a lot of subjective material in it as well. While this not a bad thing necessarily, if it fails to deliver...well, you understand. Ethical and questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. I think you meant "ethical questions." The last thing, if this is an e-mail query, you can take out the self-addressed stamped envelope part. If snail-mail, keep it in. Otherwise well done. I hope you get a lot of nibbles. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 15:18:00 -0600

I'm going to disagree with the above poster; I think this needs a lot more than just housekeeping. [quote=Flute71] Let's try this one... Dear “Agent Name”, ~~I am seeking representation for my debut novel, IDENTITY CRISIS.~~ We know you're seeking representation or you wouldn't be querying. Get to the good stuff. ~~After research scientist Max Duncan witnesses a horrific shooting, he becomes entwined in the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit.~~ You say the exact same thing better in the next paragraph. We don't care that he's a research scientist unless he was researching something crucial to the plot. ~~Stopping at a liquor store,~~ Max Duncan witnesses the brutal murder of ~~the~~ a liquor store clerk. ~~An off duty federal agent with the Information Retrieval Unit sees the shooting and rescues Max from the tragic scene.~~ Focus on Max. Max is rescued from the scene by an off-duty federal agent with the Information Retrieval Unit who sees the shooting. Shock pervades Max during his debriefing, and he is unable to recall any specifics about the clerk’s murder. Two IRU agents perform an Information Retrieval on Max which will render his memories to be used to solve the crime, but will also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. The identity of Max Duncan is gone. He awakes from the Information Retrieval procedure days later with a new name, new memories, and a new life. I don't get it. For one thing, if the IRU agent saw the shooting, why are Max's memories so crucial? Why does he lose all his memories? And I think this whole thing should be slimmed down, because I'm pretty sure the real stuff starts in the next paragraph. The newly recovered Agent Daniel Smith experiences several episodes of déjà vu, as well as vivid dreams which he cannot seem to explain. ~~Even more suspicious,~~ around every corner is reference to a scientist named Max Duncan. Mystified by these episodes, Daniel confides in his partner Agent Sophie Bainbridge to try to figure out the connection between his dreams and Max Duncan, a man the world believes is dead. Deja vu, weird dreams. Happens to me all the time, and I don't think my memories have been replaced. Clearly, the references to Max Duncan are the most important part. They should be first. The dreams and déjà vu are compounding his suspicions, not the origin of them, unless he's a paranoid freak. This is also no good considering the beginning, because any idiot can figure out that Daniel Smith is Max Duncan, destroying any suspense. My recommendation is to leave the beginning part about the liquor store and the IRU, but leave out that his memory will be gone. Consider: The IRU tells Max they can retrieve his memory of the shooting to solve the crime. Frustrated at his inability to remember, Max readily agrees. But the IRU conveniently forgot to warn him about the side effects... I would also leave out "newly recovered" and simply substitute in "new". So he's an IRU agent now? Are the IRU the bad guys? I want to see clear bad guys, unless this is deliberately a novel with fuzzy good-evil lines, and it doesn't seem like it. Are they trying to stop Daniel from discovering the truth about Max? In short, who's trying to stop Daniel from succeeding and why? Set in modern day Baltimore, IDENTITY CRISIS is a mystery/suspense novel I don't know. The whole IRU business feels distinctly sci-fi to me., complete at 80,000 words. ~~It will appeal to fans of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series, due to its fast pace and level of suspense.~~You can't know that for sure and it's not good to make statements like that about your novel. Instead, say something like The audience for this book will be similar to that of Catherine Coulter's FBI series. It says the same thing without inadvertently making the assumption that your book will be as successful as the book you are comparing to. Even with the rewording, I might leave this out unless you are querying the agent that represents Catherine Coulter's FBI series. If not, you might want to do a little research and substitute in a book the agent has recently represented. And do not say why the audience will be the same, especially not with such broad statements. During IDENTITY CRISIS, the reader will be taken into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit. Ethical and questions will arise as the characters discover what constitutes a person’s true identity, and what value can be placed on the memories we collect throughout our lives. No. You're not writing a novel to raise ethical questions. First and foremost, you are telling a story. If there is ethical questions raised, let them be seen in the course of the story; don't throw them in the agent's face. My publishing credits include an article about music advocacy in the School Music News, a professional music publication for the music educators of New York State. Like Max Duncan, I am a formally trained musician. Huh? I thought he was a research scientist. Obviously the fact that he is a formally trained musician is not a vital aspect, or you would have mentioned it earlier. Also, I've always been suspicious that "my publishing credits include" means "this is my only published thing but I'm implying there's more." This seems to be completely irrelevant to your novel. It's nowhere near the same genre, and the readership is limited enough there's virtually no chance of you having built up a fan base. Leave this out. Thank you for your time and consideration. ~~I will be happy to send you any or all of my manuscript upon request.~~ Of course you will. Agents know this and you don't need to say it. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope for your response ~~and I look forward to hearing back from you.~~As QueryShark would say, I applaud your optimism, but no, you probably don't. Don't say this; no one cares if you omit it and some agents hate it when you say it. Sincerely, “My Name” “My email” “My phone” [/quote] I read back, and this has gotten a lot better from the first version. But it's still a mess. I looked back, and I realized I had crossed out nearly everything and recommended major changes to everything else. I feel like you're losing what sounds like a great story in a quagmirey mess. Clean it up. Decide what is important, get rid of everything that isn't. If it's a suspense novel, show the heightening stakes for Daniel throughout the query letter. And remember, straightforward sentences. Subject verb object. It's easy to get confused with long, rambling sentences. Also, I really, really like the title. P.S. Daniel is Max, right? I'll feel really stupid if he isn't.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:45:58 -0600

Okay I read it twice, then posted my own, then read it again. The first line is catchy, but can be shortened to give more a punch. You do not have to tell me that Alex is seventeen. You told me already that he is a teenager in the first paragraph. I would cut out the "moving from Chicago to California" and just have moving to California. He finds dreams of a man stalking him, a strange group of students who are watching him, and a secret that opens his eyes to the fact that the world isn’t as normal as he thought – and neither is he. He finds them and then what? I think you need a different verb in the beginning of the sentence. I don't know exactly what you are trying to say exactly. The third paragraph needs a little work. In the first sentence you do not need to tell us that it has been dormant. That can be assumed if he discovers that he has it, and the description of the gift needs to be reworked into something tighter. I think there is a logical flaw in the rest of the paragraph. I do not think that there would be no worry, even if there are others that have the ability of telekinesis. Also, I do not know what this secret life is. It's just thrown at me. The fourth paragraph needs a little more editing to tighten it up as well. A man named Sebastian has his sights set on Alex and his friends, wanting to use their power to resurrect an ancient beast in order to take over the world, and going as far as to kidnap Alex’s family and a friend of the group. I would rewrite this to say, A man named Sebastian bent on world domination, kidnaps Alex's family so that he might use Alex's power to resurrect an ancient beast so that he can achieve his goals. The last two sentences need to be reworked as well. I would try something like this: Alex, barely able to control his new abilities, is at the forefront of stopping an apocalypse. If he can't control the power inside himself, the world will suffer. I know it's a little melodramatic, but I think you get the drift. It looks to be an interesting story though, and I would give it a read. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 08:24:05 -0600

Hi! Your story sounds intriguing! And the title is catchy! I am no expert at query letters, but I will try and leave you some helpful feedback. I might add something after "Dear Agent" about how you are seeking representation for your novel, and maybe indicate what type/gentr your novel is. That will make it clear to the agent right away if they would be interested in what you have to offer. I like the synopsis aspect of the first three paragraphs. I would try to condense th information a bit though, especially the first two paragraphs. Maybe omitting the second paragraph altogether, and adding a sentence at the end of the first paragraph about how Mystery is trying to come to terms with the relationship Heather is proposing. (I hope I understand it correctly...) As far as adding your titles, maybe maybe not. I read somewhere that if the novel you are pitching has something to do with your degrees, you should add them along with what the connection is. That may be really important if you as the author want to come across as an expert on a topic within your novel, which maybe you are. Also maybe a bit of bio information about you should be added, especially if your hobbies or educational background have anything to do with your story. If you have any publishing credits, I would add them in too. Good luck to you! Would you mind reading mine? If so, I am at the bottom of the previous page, "flute71". Thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:41:56 -0600

[quote=J_S_C] Dear Agent, Mystery Clarke has androgen insensitivity syndrome, daddy issues, and problems doing what her heart knows is right because her brain deals too much with the past. Heather Cummings is married and has a past of illicit affairs, rash decisions, and drug abuse, all of which Mystery has lived through. This is all background. It's also telling, not showing. I don't think any of this is crucial to the story, so I would leave it out. Mystery is satisfied with the adulterous affair that she and Heather are having, but it isn’t enough for Heather, and she tells Mystery of her plan to divorce her husband. With the knowledge of Heather’s questionable past, Mystery resists the notion of an exclusive relationship Heather dumps at her feet. I don't like these people. Why should I care about what happens to them? I'm sure they're complex, likable people, but all you've given me is adultery. Even with the backstory part that should be scratched or blended in, they don't come across as sympathetic. Also, I would change the word "dumps," because the first time I read it, I thought Heather dumped her. As the new dimension of their affair becomes more real, Mystery sees the past as if it’s the present. She relives the immature emotional relationship she and Heather had as younger women. She remembers Heather’s adulterous past as Mystery suspects Heather of having yet another affair in the present. Yet, she also remembers the support Heather gave her when she was first diagnosed with her syndrome and how Heather was there when Mystery’s father abandoned her and her mother. This is not a plot. Remembering is not compelling. Focus on her suspicions in the present. I think that's the main plot anyway. Mystery suspects Heather of being unfaithful yet again. Now you have Heather's history of affairs. But she can't forget how supportive Heather has been. She struggles to keep the past separate from the present. This sounds a little clunky, but remember, short, straightforward sentences are your friend. Subject verb object. Do away with complicated and compound sentences. Confronted with all of the emotional baggage that she carries, Mystery must deal with the past if she is to make a future that breaks the cycle of her life. This means nothing. It's too broad and general and says nothing about what specifically Mystery must do. By the way, I have to say I find the name Mystery implausible, unless she chose it for herself. "Ex and Why" is complete at 105,121 words. Sample chapters or manuscript are available at your request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. Titles in all caps, no quotes. EX AND WHY. I like the title but I'm not sure I understand it (although, if I recall correctly from your previous letters, Mystery has XY chromosomes). However, by googling androgen insensitivity syndrome, I understood. So that's a moot point. You might want to explain, though. Mystery has androgen insensitivity syndrome. She looks like a woman, but is genetically male. You generally round word counts to the nearest thousand. 105,000. This seems a little high, but definitely not prohibitively so. Don't say sample chapters or manuscript is available. This is assumed and you're wasting page space. QueryShark, at least, prefers you just say "Thank you for your time and consideration" and do not say you look forward to hearing from them. With regards, Dr. Name, D.O. (Not sure if I should put in my titles as it might sound a little arrogant to flash the doctor tag around, but it is my name.) Don't say doctor, it's not a credential and agents don't care unless you've written something that rests almost entirely on specialized medical knowledge, in which case you would put this in a small paragraph at the end, not as a title. Just sign it as your name. [/quote] All in all, I'm very confused. What does Mystery want or need? Why can't she get it? What happens if she doesn't? I can see based on this query that that structure might not fit exactly, but try it. If there is an absolutely essential piece of backstory (Mystery has androgen insensitivity syndrome) sneak it in to where it matters in the plot. I'm going to respectfully disagree with the other critiquer on one point: don't start your query with that you are seeking representation and the genre. It's assumed you're seeking representation or you wouldn't be querying. Put genre at the end. EX AND WHY is a [GENRE] novel, complete at approximately 105,000 words. Actually, that sentence shows another problem. I can't tell what genre this is. My best guess is chick lit (women's fiction in formal terms). If that's the case, the sentence would need to be restructured as EX AND WHY is a 105,000-word work of women's fiction to avoid the dreaded "fiction novel."

Re: Query Letter Crritiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:49:22 -0600

Thanks for this! I am very grateful for any input. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 22:47:06 -0600

Thank you for your critique. Most of it is sound advice, however, I have to say while you may find her name implausible, it is not improbable. The implausibility and improbability of her name are not mutually exclusive I will continue to work on my query. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:05:10 -0600

Wow, if I was not filled with self doubt already... I appreciate the critique. This letter is a work in progress, and I try to take what I can from whoever. Try try again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:21:46 -0600

Critique: Only my second query letter critique so, by definition, imperfect and incomplete. My overall impression is that your letter is too short on plot. You start off with a miracle cure then reinforce the idea with two further examples, leading the protagonist to the conclusion that he is gifted, but not really adding to the story. I can see that your use of short sentences is meant to convey drama, but I don’t think it is working particularly well. You could try [quote] A priest is cured of terminal cancer and a critically-injured accident victim walks out of the Emergency Room but, when Dr Sean Goodman observes his own hand healing before his eyes, he has to accept that his miraculous abilities were not learned in medical school.[/quote] You might not like my version, but I’ve cut your letter down by about half with, I believe, very little loss of context. This is what I meant about being short on plot. I would continue with this paragraph: [quote] When Sean sleeps, he finds himself conversing with Hippocrates and Socrates. They tell him that he is in THE SPACE BETWEEN, the point between the last heart beat and brain death. It is from here his ability originates.[/quote] This sounds really good. Though I’m sure you could afford to shed a bit more light on the origins of Dr Goodman’s abilities. [quote] He knows there are those that will raise him up as a messiah if he uses his ability. He knows there are those that will demonize him if he refuses. [/quote] So that’s a risk, but it doesn’t seem to be a particularly threatening one. I’m not sure why you have included it. And then there’s the climax of the story, [quote] When his pregnant wife is shot through the stomach, Sean knows that in order to save one, he will have to sacrifice the other.[/quote] There must be more to the plot than you show in this letter. Who shoots Sean’s wife? Is this part of the demonization that you talked about? If he has miraculous healing powers, why can’t he save both his wife and his baby? As it stands, I don’t think you are doing your story justice and this letter is unlikely to get the attention of an agent.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 23:20:59 -0600

[quote=J_S_C] Dear Agent, Dr. Sean Goodman meets the priest in the hospital. The priest has terminal lung cancer. After Sean examines him, the priest is discharged. There are no signs of cancer. Goodman finds a neighborhood girl dying on the street. She was hit by a car. He knows that she is going to die as the paramedics take her away. That night, a colleague tells him the girl didn’t have a scratch on her. She was discharged from the emergency room. When Sean cuts himself in the kitchen, it heals before he can run it under water. Seeing this, he accepts that his intervention saved the priest and the girl. I agree with overthehill. Whether this is plot or not, it feels distinctly backstory-like. There is no sense of urgency, no sense of events heightening, no movement. Since you said this is plot, I think this may just be a wording issue. Consider something like: Dr. Sean Goodman is used to seeing people he can't save. It's his job to try to save them anyway. But after he sees a patient with terminal cancer who leaves cancer-free, he is stunned. When he finds a girl with fatal injuries who, he is later told, survived without a scratch, he is confused (or however he feels). But when he witnesses his own hand healing in seconds, he is forced to accept that somehow, he saved both the cancer patient and the girl. See? Same content, but now it feels like action. I think that's a big issue with the query. Reading it, it feels like he's not moving. Think about that. He knows there are those that will raise him up as a messiah if he uses his ability. He knows there are those that will demonize him if he refuses. Umm... and? What does he do? He is faced with a choice. Does he use his ability? Refuse to? This seems like a false choice. I would assume he would use his gift and (however reluctantly) take on the role of messiah, rather than live knowing he could be saving people. If he doesn't, he's selfish and people won't like him. Also, do people actually do that? If so, you should say so. It feels less passive. When Sean sleeps, he finds himself conversing with Hippocrates and Socrates. They tell him that he is in The Space Between, the point between the last heart beat and brain death. It is from here his ability originates. What does this have to do with anything? I don't see 1) what Hippocrates and Socrates have to do with it, 2) why Sean is in The Space Between when he's not dead, and 3) how his ability comes from The Space Between. You said in your reply that it is not important that every question be answered, and I agree. But some things need to be explained. You wouldn't try to play a board game without the directions, would you? Trust me, I've done it, and it's not pretty. You can't just toss out statements about this imaginary "Space Between" without telling us a little about how it happens. This also feels very static and motionless. When his pregnant wife is shot through the stomach, Sean knows that in order to save one, he will have to sacrifice the other. This doesn't make sense. Is his wife being shot somehow related to his ability, or is it just a freak accident/caught in the crossfire kind of thing? I've already suspended my disbelief for a guy who can work miracles. I'm feeling a little stretched to believe he can cure cancer and heal a girl who would have died, but can't save his wife and baby. Especially since the way it's worded, I take it to mean he has to choose. Therefore, she's far enough along that the baby will survive outside the womb if he were to choose the baby. However, that also means if the baby dies and is no longer in her womb, she can live. Therefore, the baby can live outside the womb, and the mother can live with the baby outside the womb. What's the problem? THE SPACE BETWEEN is a supernatural-drama of 94,000 words. It is my first novel. I wouldn't hyphenate supernatural drama. Thank you for your time, Name [/quote] I, like overthehill, am getting the "low on plot" vibe from this query. Let's review. Man finds out he has supernatural healing abilities. Man must choose whether to use them. Man finds out where his abilities come from. Man must choose to save either his wife or baby with supernatural healing abilities. Put like that, it doesn't sound like much, does it? If there's more going on in your story, say so. Don't tell me his wife gets shot right after he finds out where his abilities come from. If that's the case, you might need to rethink more that just the query.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 09:45:56 -0600

[quote=Rutland Writer] I would like a critique please. Thank you! Dear _____, I am seeking representation for Laguna, complete at approximately 70,000 words. Laguna is a women’s fiction novel. Sarah Rossi did the one thing that all women fantasize about at least once but none will actually carry out; she ran away. We know that you are seeking representation, else why query. The title should be in all caps, and at the end of the letter. Sarah’s life was never hers. An overbearing father, who believed that a woman’s place was in the home, dictated it. Sarah’s mother was meek and mentally unstable, and so at a young age Sarah must run the house and take care of her brothers. Then after her mother died, she takes care of her father too.This is all background. After one night of drinking and sex with a man she knew for only a few hours, Sarah becomes pregnant with twins and ultimately marries him. But, life with Joe isn’t much different than life with her father. After years of being the responsible one, the reliable one, the caretaker to many Sarah sneaks away in the middle of the night. She ran away from her cheating husband, troublesome teenage sons, ailing father who lives with her, and the job she hated. She leaves her dreary life in New Hampshire and drives cross-country to Laguna Beach, CA. She only intended to stay for a couple of weeks, but fate had other plans and a new life is born for Sarah. This is all background. In Laguna, she finds the life of her dreams. She is able to pursue her passion for photography and has her first show. It is where she meets David, a quirky, eccentric gay man, who owns the cafe where she gets a job, and who becomes her best friend. It is where meets amazing friends and the love of her life, Will, who presses her to deal with the life she left behind before they take it to the next level. Then, she gets a call from a friend back home. Sarah’s husband has been in a car accident and he might not live. Knowing that the boys need her she flies home with David to face the scene she had left behind. It is in Laguna where your story starts, but you tell me instead of show me. ~~Thank you for considering my project. I look forward to hearing from you soon.~~ Sincerely, [/quote] Okay you may look at that and feel that nothing you wrote was good. Don't think like that. You have good stuff, but it does not belong in a query. When you go back, start with the main character, Sarah Rossi. What does she want? How does she try to get it? What will happen if she doesn't? Once you have that, keep your sentences short. One thing I have learned is that agents for some reason do not, or cannot (I am beginning to suspect the latter) seem to process a sentence that is longer than 10-15 words. Try to keep the whole query under 300 words, some say 250. End with a simple Thank you, and then your contact information. Try again. I could look at these all day. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:23:25 -0600

Critique: This is my first effort at a query letter critique. I’ll try and be helpful, but I am probably only scratching the surface as a good letter is a bit of an art form. My first observation is that the established format of query letters is that the TITLE (always capitalised), word-count and genre should go at the end of the letter. Novels are works of fiction, so "women's fiction novel" doesn't really work. Start with the story. Personally, I would take out your summary sentence at the beginning “Sarah Rossi did the one thing that all women fantasize about at least once but none will actually carry out; she ran away. “ Quite apart from anything else, it is patently untrue. We cannot know for sure what every woman fantasizes about, but we do know that many of them do run away. The second paragraph is background. It doesn't add anything to the story, so you could quite easily open your letter with the third paragraph and use the sentence that you took out at the beginning to cut to the chase. The next paragraph looks like you’ve lost your way. Sarah seems to have found the life of her dreams, but receives a call from home telling her that the oppressive Joe may not live and her sons need her. So she flies home with her gay friend. On the face of it, there is nothing particularly unusual about this course of action. It would be what any estranged mother would do. I fail to see a plot here. There needs to be a twist in the tale. The other slightly irksome thing about this letter is your use of tenses. You do need to get the grammar and rhythm right in your query letter, as any mistakes the agent picks up here will be assumed to be carried over into your novel - earning it a one-way trip to the shredder. Hope I don't come across as too harsh. I know it is all easier said than done. Here's my take on your letter as it stands. [quote=] Dear _____, After one night of drinking and sex with a man [Joe] she knew for only a few hours, Sarah becomes pregnant with twins and ultimately marries him. [clunky sentence] But, life with Joe isn’t much different than life with her father. After years of being the responsible one, the reliable one, the caretaker to many, Sarah Rossi does the thing that many women fantasize about, at least once, but few will actually carry out; she runs away. Sarah leaves her cheating husband, her troublesome teenage sons, her ailing father ~~who lives with her~~, and the job she hates in New Hampshire and drives cross-country to Laguna Beach, CA. She only intends to stay for a couple of weeks, but fate has other plans and a new life is born [eh?] for Sarah. In Laguna, Sarah finds the life of her dreams. She is able to pursue her passion for photography and has her first show. It is where she meets David, a quirky, eccentric gay man, who owns the cafe where she gets a job, and who becomes her best friend. [clunky sentence] It is where [?] meets amazing friends and the love of her life, Will, who presses her to deal with the life she left behind before they take it to the next level. Then, Sarah gets a call from a friend back home. Joe has been in a car accident and he might not live. Knowing that the boys need her she flies home with David to face the scene she had left behind. I am seeking representation for LAGUNA, a work of women's fiction, complete at approximately 70,000 words. Thank you for considering my project. ~~I look forward to hearing from you soon.~~ Sincerely, [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Rutland Writer — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:17:12 -0600

Thank you. It is so hard to boil down the story....Going back to drawing board.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Rutland Writer — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:17:33 -0600

Thank you for your feedback. I will take another stab at it.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:20:47 -0600

Thank you for your critique, but on many points, I am going to have to disagree. Yes, I can see that you condensed the context, but you killed the content. You made it back story. So, respectfully, no, I do not like the change you made. Shedding more light on how he got his ability is back story. Yes, you found my risk, but not all risks involve getting shot in the head or having the world end. And as for the climax, his wife gets shot. You yourself asked the questions that an agent would ask. it is not important who shot his wife. Just as it is not important that you know why he cannot save them both. All you need to know is that he can't. It is not important that every question be answered. This is not the place for that. If an agent wants to know these things, they will ask for pages, and that is the purpose of a query letter, not to divulge every single bit of information in the book. Again, thank you for your critique. It made me think and read it a second time at least. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:16:38 -0600

Thank you for the critique. Some suggestions you posited are valid. Dr. Sean Goodman is used to seeing people he can't save. It's his job to try to save them anyway. I think this is redundant. He is a doctor. That is their job. Don't need to say much about this. why Sean is in The Space Between when he's not dead, You did not read my query. I stated exactly what the space between was: "the point between the last heart beat and brain death." Do not think that the body is dead when the heart stops beating. There is a time when the heart is not beating and you are not dead. (When in medical school, I had an instructor that used the French Revolution as an example. Once the poor fool got his head chopped off, they can actually see and hear for about thirty seconds. I don't know how they would test that, but I think it has to do with time of necrosis of brain cells, etc.) That is the time of the space between. Metaphysical in its approach a little, but still valid. I've already suspended my disbelief for a guy who can work miracles. There are many documented cases of spiritual healers that have done miraculous things that we cannot explain with medical science. It is not hard to suspend belief that this type of thing is possible. Especially since the way it's worded, I take it to mean he has to choose. Therefore, she's far enough along that the baby will survive outside the womb if he were to choose the baby. However, that also means if the baby dies and is no longer in her womb, she can live. Therefore, the baby can live outside the womb, and the mother can live with the baby outside the womb. What's the problem? Not necessarily. It is not as black and white as you would like to make it, even with supernatural healing abilities. Gestation and viability are things that many, many papers and books have been written. What is important in that sentence though is that he is going to have to make a choice between one or the other, and there is a choice that needs to be made. There is no logical flaw in my reasoning. I thought about it a lot, and it took me forever to pour over my Ob/Gyn course notes to make sure that I was correct in my reasoning. Anyhow, thank you again for your critique. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:09:54 -0600

Remember that the query letter is your shop window. It is all you have to "sell" your story to an agent. Although some agents will request that you include the first 5 pages or the first chapter with your letter, you can't rely on it. There is no point in justifying your piece with real-world medical evidence. An agent is not going to go away and look into the research before deciding whether to take on your book. In fact, looking at Query Shark's advice (far better than anything you will get here), she warns that 'expert' writers very often let the pursuit of accuracy get the better of an otherwise good story. Similarly, an agent will assume that the writing style and grammar of the query letter will be reflected in the novel. If the opening paragraphs of the letter are written in short gimmicky sentences, they will not be flattering to your true writing abilities. What you have here is two non-experts telling you that your first three paragraphs amount to back story and your novel appears thin on plot. What makes you think that a professional (and busy) agent will read more into it? There seems little point in posting your writing on this forum, if you are simply going to dismiss the critiques.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:21:41 -0600

I believe my statement about The Space Between still has merit. Even if someone in The Space Between isn't dead (which depends on who you ask), they will be dead in a few minutes. Since Goodman isn't dead or nearly dead, I still don't get why he's there. Or why Hippocrates and Socrates, who are both long dead, are there.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:05:29 -0600

I am not trying to be argumentative, I'm not, really. I am in the process of rewriting it with your plot concerns in mind. But, something you said above really struck me... There is no point in justifying your piece with real-world medical evidence. When I saw this I threw up my hands in the air with frustration. Most likely because you are going to tell me that the medical explanation does not matter. Just like I have been trying to explain in my responses. It does not matter how. What matters is that it does. I know it wasn't you the did the second critique, but in that, (s)he wanted to know who shot the wife. It does not matter, really. You might be like "what the hell, it does." If she was shot in a drive-by would it change the fact that she was shot? If she was in a bank while it was being robbed, would it change the fact that she got shot? No the importantance is that she got shot. I am going to add the who, what, and why in the next, but it feels exrraneous, and as my two favorite critiquers like say, feels like backstory. I am truly grateful that you take the time to read my querys, I do although it may not look like I process any of what you say. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:00:46 -0600

[quote]Me: There must be more to the plot than you show in this letter. Who shoots Sean’s wife? Is this part of the demonization that you talked about? If he has miraculous healing powers, why can’t he save both his wife and his baby?[/quote] [quote]You: And as for the climax, his wife gets shot. You yourself asked the questions that an agent would ask. it is not important who shot his wife. Just as it is not important that you know why he cannot save them both. All you need to know is that he can't. It is not important that every question be answered.[/quote] Please don't add the who, the what and the why. It would be a mistake. On this you were quite right, and I'm sorry that you interpreted my post that way. What I intended to convey was the idea that you might be able to use any conspiracy or subterfuge that might be behind these questions to develop what at first appears to be a rather thin plot line. I just have this feeling that you have a great story there, but you aren't showing enough of it to grab the reader's interest. (I'll shut up now.)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Christina Huling — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:24:44 -0600

[quote=J_S_C] Agent, Dr. Sean Goodman knows that modern medicine is not ~~curative.~~ I don't think curative is exactly the word you're looking for, because modern medicine can cure a great deal. I suggest something along the lines of miraculous or "cannot work miracles" instead of "is not curative". After he examines a priest with terminal cancer who leaves the next day cancer free, Goodman insists that there was an error in the patient’s chart. When he notices that his arthritic dog does not need help getting on the bed at night, he attributes it to canine physiology. When he attempts to resuscitate a girl with fatal injuries who, he is later told, survived without a scratch, his brain can’t reconcile what his eyes saw and what his colleague told him. It never enters Dr. Goodman’s thoughts that he is the cause. Nice. This is much better. I get a much better sense of Dr. Goodman's character. He's clearly the one acting. Good improvement. ~~Dr. Goodman doesn’t accept anything without objective proof.~~ This is telling not showing. It's also a little confusing, since you say before that he never even thinks that he healed the priest, the girl, and his dog. But, when he sees his own hand healing after cutting it with a knife, he is forced to accept that he is responsible for the priest’s remission, and the girl’s survival, despite the lack of objectivity. Again, I think the wording isn't quite right. I don't think "forced to accept" is what he does as much as he realizes it. In dreams Sean learns the limits of his ability from Socrates and Hippocrates. They do not tell him how or why. They only tell him that he cannot bring life back to those that are dead. That act is an abomination. Much better. I'm glad you're not explaining precisely what The Space Between was. This version is cleaner, more to the point, and adds the information that he can't bring back people from death, which is more important. Sean knows that if people learn of his ability, some will try to pervert it for monetary gain. Others will demonize him if he refuses. Not wanting either, he uses it in secret, but finds that lying to his patients becomes more and more difficult as they begin to suspect as he cures them of their ailments. I'm glad that Goodman's decision is stated. A slight quibble, though: it still feels a little bit passive. The last sentence also has a slight disconnect with the next paragraph. The grieving father of a boy that Dr. Goodman couldn’t save seeks retribution, This is the disconnect I meant. Does the grieving father know about Dr. Goodman's power, or does he just blame him as a doctor? If the former, how does Goodman's secret get out? and shoots Sean and his pregnant wife. ~~Hippocrates tells Sean that he has two choices. Virtue: living and making an abomination of his wife so that his child can be born. Or that of the un-virtuous: cross “The Space Between,” and die.~~ And you were on a roll, too. This is confusing. For one, I don't know how Hippocrates is talking to him, and I don't think it's crucial. I think it would be just as effective if you were to say he has two choices, and leave out how exactly he knows what his choices are. The sentences that describe the choices are structured strangely. I also don't understand how the first is virtuous and the second is not, partly because I'm not sure what the choice is anymore. From what I can tell, he's either bringing his wife back from the dead so his child can be born (which is apparently virtuous???) or die. Try to rewrite this with basic sentence forms. THE SPACE BETWEEN, 93,000 words is a supernatural drama. Thank you, blah, blah I believe that this is much more flushed out than my previous attempts. However, I am concerned with the length of the first paragraph. I did incorporate elements of commentators. To them, I give thanks. The sentence length is making me grind my teeth a bit. I have always understood that they should be short direct sentences, but here I have many filled with direct in indirect clauses, and it worries me. Anyhow, it is what it is at this moment. --JSC [/quote] Apart from the last paragraph, and a few little housekeeping measures, you have it. In my opinion, this is close to agent-ready. In response to your concern about the length of the first paragraph, if you think it makes a difference, I think you could break after "physiology" and again after that sentence.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:46:42 -0600

I think this query is very succinct. I like the clarity of the plot. Also the final dilemma of which choice Dr. Goodman will make is powerful. I might add to the last paragraph a little. Maybe a bit more about the father and the child that the doctor couldn't save. It just came across as a bit flat, when I think that is the pinnacle of the story. I have been hearing from some that the idea is to convince an agent to represent you, so maybe a bit more descriptive information about that final dilemma might be in order. Otherwise it looks good! I really like the storyline, personally. It is right up my alley! I hope it works out for you!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:00:52 -0600

Okay, I think, and hope and pray that this is it. Agent, Dr. Sean Goodman knows that modern medicine can’t work miracles. After he examines a priest with terminal cancer who leaves the next day cancer free, Goodman insists that there was an error in the patient’s chart. When he notices that his arthritic dog does not need help getting on the bed at night, he attributes it to canine physiology. When he attempts to resuscitate a girl with fatal injuries who, he is later told, survived without a scratch, his brain can’t reconcile what his eyes saw and what his colleague told him. It never enters Dr. Goodman’s thoughts that he is the cause. But, when he sees his own hand healing after cutting it with a knife, he accepts that he is responsible for the priest’s remission, and the girl’s survival. In dreams Sean learns the limits of his ability from Socrates and Hippocrates. They do not tell him how or why. They only tell him that he cannot bring life back to those that are dead. That act is an abomination. Sean knows that if people learn of his ability, some will try to pervert it for monetary gain. Others will demonize him if he refuses. Taking the middle ground, he uses it in secret, but finds that lying to his patients becomes more and more difficult as they begin to suspect as he cures them of their ailments. The priest, who knows Sean’s secret, convinces him to treat a recently deceased boy. The result causes the father of the boy to seek retribution. Retribution comes when he shoots Sean and his pregnant wife. Goodman has two choices. One, he can make an abomination of his wife so that his child can be born. Or, he can cross “The Space Between,” and die. Blah, blah word count, etc.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:41:21 -0600

Thank you for that critique. I like miracle better than not curative (medicine is symptom control, not cure, but that is neither here no there.) You are certainly correct about "is forced," and I finally understand what you are telling me. "Is forced," implies that something else is making him accept. It should be simple: "accepts that he is responsible." See. I am slow, but not a lost cause. I am not sure what you mean by passive. Personally, I think his actions are the most logical, but I might be wrong. I cannot reconcile a man that was so reluctant to accept his role in the events that surround him would take up a crusade of sorts and proclaim himself a healer of sorts. I see the disconnect. Working on it now. Thank you for your time reviewing the query. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:37:49 -0600

Looks like a good premise for a book, but there are a few issues with your letter. [quote=Flute71] Dear Agent, ~~I am seeking representation for my debut novel, IDENTITY CRISIS, a mystery/suspense novel based in and around the Baltimore area, complete at around 85,000 words.~~ Of course you are seeking representation. That's why you are writing to an agent. No need to tell them. The usual format for a query letter is to put the title, genre and word count at the bottom of your letter. ~~Max Duncan is a dedicated research scientist and amateur musician, who finds himself thrust into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit.~~ This is backstory. You could comfortably leave it out. Narrowly escaping death during a shooting at a liquor store, Max Duncan is rescued by Sophie Bainbridge, an agent with the FBI’s Information Retrieval Unit. However, during his debriefing, Max is unable to recall any specifics to help identify the criminal~~. Max’s scientific background is appealing to Sophie and her supervisor~~, so they make the decision to perform an Informational Retrieval on Max. They successfully reveal his memories from the shooting, but also remove all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. As a result, Max has a new set of memories implanted, and is given as "Agent Daniel Smith”. ~~Both Max Duncan’s memory and identity are erased; or so they think.~~This is redundant, you have already told us this. As the plot unfolds, ~~the newly recovered Agent Daniel Smith~~Daniel begins to suffer from déjà vu. He tells Sophie about a recurring dream which seems to connect him to Max Duncan~~, who the world believes is dead. Confiding in Sophie, now his colleague, Daniel describes the strange dreams he has been having. Riddled with guilt,~~ Sophie realizes that the Information Retrieval on Daniel was not complete ~~. There are remnants of Max’s memories inside of Daniel, and those memories are fighting to survive. Sophie~~, and begins to question the validity of her own identity. She vows to make things right ~~for Daniel~~, even if it means taking down the IRU along with its creator. ~~During their quest for answers, Sophie discovers that she must confront the validity of her own identity as well.~~ IDENTITY CRISIS will have an expected readership similar to that of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series. Its plot twists and turns keep the action moving. The actual process of the Information Retrieval provides a slight sci-fi characteristic to this novel. Questions will arise while reading IDENTITY CRISIS about one’s true identity and what value can be placed on the memories we all collect during our lives. These factors will make IDENTITY CRISIS a good choice for book clubs. No. No. No. Don't ever compare yourself to other authors or say how successful you think your book will be. You are raising expectations and therefore setting yourself up to fail. Currently an unpublished writer of fiction, I have published an article about music advocacy which was printed in the March 2010 edition of The School Music News, a professional publication for New York State music educators. Like Max Duncan, I am a formally trained musician. While it might be perfectly ok to say that this is your first novel, it is generally recommended that you leave out references to published work that have no direct relevance. So, unless there is a strong music storyline to your novel (which I'm not seeing here), I would leave it out. Short and direct is the way to go with agents. Sincerely, Me [/quote] Good luck.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:14:28 -0600

I love it! Wow, nice job, JSC. I am impressed! Good luck!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

goomgirl — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:05:25 -0600

Hey there, This sounds like an interesting story, but I felt like the query was a lot synopsisy (because that's a new word!) You are listing events and starting a lot of sentences with "when this.." and "when that.." which made it feel like it dragged on a bit. It isn't until really close to the end that I start to get a sense of what is at stake. The rest is a lot of background information, some of which is useful, and most of which is interesting, but not all of it is necessary. I would focus on presenting the problem earlier, and leaving out some of the synopsis. For example: Dr. Sean Goodman knows that modern medicine can’t work miracles. After he examines a priest with terminal cancer who leaves the next day cancer free, Goodman insists that there was an error in the patient’s chart. [When he notices that his arthritic dog does not need help getting on the bed at night, he attributes it to canine physiology.] When he attempts to resuscitate a girl with fatal injuries who, he is later told, survived without a scratch, his brain can’t reconcile what his eyes saw and what his colleague told him. It never enters Dr. Goodman’s thoughts that he is the cause. But, when he sees his own hand healing after cutting it with a knife, he accepts that he is responsible for the priest’s remission, and the girl’s survival. [In dreams Sean learns the limits of his ability from Socrates and Hippocrates. They do not tell him how or why. They only tell him that he cannot bring life back to those that are dead. That act is an abomination. Sean knows that if people learn of his ability, some will try to pervert it for monetary gain. Others will demonize him if he refuses. Taking the middle ground, he uses it in secret, but finds that lying to his patients becomes more and more difficult as they begin to suspect as he cures them of their ailments.] *Keep this simple. [He learns he can cure ailments, but cannot bring people back to life, doing so would be an abomination.]* The priest, who knows Sean’s secret, convinces him to treat a recently deceased boy. The result causes the father of the boy to seek retribution. Retribution comes when he shoots Sean and his pregnant wife. Goodman has two choices. One, he can make an abomination of his wife so that his child can be born. Or, he can cross “The Space Between,” and die.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:50:37 -0600

[quote=overthehill] Sorry that didn't come out quite right. Try and ignore my last post. I also meant to say that you seem to have an issue with tenses. Present tense seems to work best in this case. [quote=Flute71] Dear Agent, ~~I am seeking representation for my debut novel, IDENTITY CRISIS, a mystery/suspense novel based in and around the Baltimore area, complete at around 85,000 words.~~ Of course you are seeking representation. That's why you are writing to an agent. No need to tell them. The usual format for a query letter is to put the title, genre and word count at the bottom of your letter. ~~Max Duncan is a dedicated research scientist and amateur musician, who finds himself thrust into the secret world of the Information Retrieval Unit.~~ This is backstory. You could comfortably leave it out. Narrowly escaping death during a shooting at a liquor store, Max Duncan is rescued by Sophie Bainbridge, an agent with the FBI’s Information Retrieval Unit. However, during his debriefing, Max is unable to recall any specifics to help identify the criminals involved~~. Max’s scientific background is appealing to Sophie and her supervisor~~, so the agents make the decision to perform an Informational Retrieval on Max. They successfully reveal his memories from the shooting, but also remove all of the memories he has collected throughout his life. As a result, Max has a new set of memories implanted, and is given a new career working with the IRU as "Agent Daniel Smith”. ~~Both Max Duncan’s memory and identity are erased; or so they think.~~This is redundant, you have already told us this. As the plot unfolds, ~~the newly recovered Agent Daniel Smith~~Daniel begins to suffer from déjà vu. He tells Sophie about a recurring dream which seems to connect him to Max Duncan~~, who the world believes is dead. Confiding in Sophie, now his colleague, Daniel describes the strange dreams he has been having. Riddled with guilt,~~ Sophie realizes that the Information Retrieval on Daniel was not complete ~~. There are remnants of Max’s memories inside of Daniel, and those memories are fighting to survive. Sophie~~, and begins to question the validity of her own identity. She vows to make things right ~~for Daniel~~, even if it means taking down the IRU along with its creator. ~~During their quest for answers, Sophie discovers that she must confront the validity of her own identity as well.~~ Ok, ok. So this is what Sophie and Daniel want to happen, but what are the risks? What will happen if they don't succeed? IDENTITY CRISIS will have an expected readership similar to that of Catherine Coulter’s FBI series. Its plot twists and turns keep the action moving. The actual process of the Information Retrieval provides a slight sci-fi characteristic to this novel. Questions will arise while reading IDENTITY CRISIS about one’s true identity and what value can be placed on the memories we all collect during our lives. These factors will make IDENTITY CRISIS a good choice for book clubs. No. No. No. Don't ever compare yourself to other authors or say how successful you think your book will be. You are raising expectations and therefore setting yourself up to fail. Currently an unpublished writer of fiction, I have published an article about music advocacy which was printed in the March 2010 edition of The School Music News, a professional publication for New York State music educators. Like Max Duncan, I am a formally trained musician. While it might be perfectly ok to say that this is your first novel, it is generally recommended that you leave out references to published work that have no direct relevance. So, unless there is a strong music storyline to your novel (which I'm not seeing here), I would leave it out. Short and direct is the way to go with agents. IDENTITY CRISIS, is a mystery/suspense novel ~~based in and around the Baltimore area~~, complete at around 85,000 words. Sincerely, Me [/quote] Good luck. [/quote]

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:27:16 -0600

I am so grateful for this input. I have always struggled with tense. I feel as though with each try this gets better. I have revised again based on these new suggestions, and I like how succinct it is. It cut quite a bit of the word count, which is something I also have struggled with. Thanks so much!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:10:31 -0600

You are going to go through many, many, many versions before you get to one that you or others consider acceptable. I would like to read what you come up with as you go. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:58:29 -0600

Thank you for your critique. And by a lot you mean three. Keep this simple. He learns he can cure ailments, but cannot bring people back to life, doing so would be an abomination. I looked at this and thought of putting it in, but realized that it is telling. It begs some questions: How does he learn it? How does he know that he can't bring people back to life? I think this would be a step backwards. Again, thank you for reading my critique. It made me think about what I had written. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

goomgirl — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 11:39:15 -0600

Yes, the one I posted below is take 11 of version 3. Yikes! We need NaQuLeWriMo (read with French accent, of course!)!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 15:39:13 -0600

I think it goes without saying that most of us are rank amateurs. There are a few published authors on these boards, but many, like you, only have experience of writing non-fiction - often commissioned work and usually related to their area of expertise. Writing a gripping work of fiction - and selling it - requires a whole different set of skills. I have not yet started editing my novel, as I know substantial parts of it require a major re-write. However, reading other people's work and providing feedback very much helps me focus my mind. To find out more about the process, do make sure you read Dragonchilde and Kimberly Dawn's advice/instructions on page one of this thread and also refer to the professional advice given by Query Shark and Miss Snark on their sites. Both are literary agents and have a proven record in terms of Query Letter coaching.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:29:34 -0600

I am a big fan of query shark. When I look at the first draft of my query letter for "The Space Between," and the current one, I have to say that that lady taught me a lot. When I try to write them, I use her format when doing it. Quoted from the Query Shark Blog. I am not clever enough or talented enough to come up with this simple paradigm. "What does the protagonist want? What's keeping him from getting it? What choice/decision does he face? What terrible thing will happen if he chooses A; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't. Here's another form of the same thing: The main character must decide whether to ________. If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are______. If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are________." Here is the first version of my query: [quote] I have recently completed a 93,000 word novel titled The Space Between, and I hope that you might consider me for your list. Dr. Sean Goodman is a man of science, always looking for facts to substantiate that which he cannot be otherwise made to believe – the cause or cure for an illness, has a concrete biology; life itself is the by-product of physics; and everything in between rests on these same guidelines - fact. After the accident, however, he is confronted with a fate that he can’t prove: facts that are not built on science or logic. He is given a glimpse into a world where a man could do the unimaginable, see places beyond this world and yet not be completely removed from them. Sean Goodman finds that after waking from his coma, he has an ability which many could only dream to possess. He can heal. Sean delves into the space between life and death: a place he did not believe existed. Through his journey of discovery, Sean rekindles what was lost with Samantha Greene, finds wisdom in a priest with cancer, and incurs the wrath of a father that has lost a son, but most of all, Dr. Sean Goodman tests the limits of life. [/quote] I mean this is almost embarrassing. And to think that I actually sent this out to people. Oh, I might have gotten a better response if I waited. All I can say is practice, practice, practice. It is the only way that you can get better. When you were a kid, you had toruble tying your shoes. Now, you can do it without thinking about it. Queries are the same. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

overthehill — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 04:35:14 -0600

LOL That first sentence was epic! On the other hand, and you're going to hate me for this, I really liked this part: [quote]After the accident, however, he is confronted with a fate that he can’t prove: facts that are not built on science or logic. He is given a glimpse into a world where a man could do the unimaginable, see places beyond this world and yet not be completely removed from them. Sean Goodman finds that after waking from his coma, he has an ability which many could only dream to possess. He can heal.[/quote] It tells me far more about your book than your subsequent versions.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:53:21 -0600

[quote=Flute71] I am really beginning to love this thread. Thanks overthehill and JSC for your insight. Here is my latest attempt. I am struggling with describing the bigness of the conflict. It sounds lame. It also seems like the reader might say big deal. Maybe that is a problem with my plot. I need to find a way to describe the conflict a more convincing way. Here goes... Narrowly escaping death during a shooting at a liquor store, research scientist Max Duncan is rescued by Sophie Bainbridge, an agent with the FBI’s Information Retrieval Unit. I am having a real problem with this. It is a liquor store. Don't they have survelance cameras? What about this shooting makes it necessary to have a guy have his mind wiped? During his debriefing, Max is unable to recall any specifics to help identify the criminal involved, so Sophie and her supervisor perform an Informational Retrieval on Max. This process successfully reveals his memories from the shooting, but also removes all of the memories Max had collected throughout his life. Did they try to hypnotize him? Again, I can't remember is not enough a reason, I am thinking, to run the risk of having somebody's memory wiped. As a result, Max is implanted with a new set of memories along with a new career as an agent with the IRU, named Agent Daniel Smith. ~~As the plot unfolds,~~ Daniel begins to suffer from déjà vu. He tells Sophie about a recurring dream he has been having which seems to connect him to Max Duncan. Sophie realizes that the Information Retrieval on Daniel was not complete, ~~and she begins to question the validity of her own identity.~~ You can't say something like that and not elaborate a little bit. ~~She vows to make things right, even if it means taking down the IRU along with its creator.~~ Where did this vow come from. Oh well, the guy's wipe wasn't complete and she doubts her identity. You have said here A + B = C, therefore B=D. There has to be a progression. If unsuccessful, Daniel and Sophie, along with the others who have had Information Retrievals done to them, risk never knowing the potential that their lives had to offer, let alone the fact that their families will be left to mourn their false deaths. Okay good you have shown me consequences. The creator of the IRU is apprehended, and Sophie is told that her own identity has indeed been compromised. Having a change of heart, the IRU creator helps the two agents get their original identities back, and they begin to reconstruct their lives with their families.Well, I do not have to read this book any more. I would have preferred if you left it at "If unsuccessful, Daniel and Sophie, along with the others who have had Information Retrievals done to them, risk never knowing the potential that their lives had to offer, let alone the fact that their families will be left to mourn their false deaths," and built up to this sentence. [/quote] One thing about conflict. The loss does not have to be something that will change the face of humanity, or avert the next world war. Conflict is just that conflict. It is a difference between two people/organizations/or the self. Resolution of the conflict can be as simple as friendship, business ventures, or clearheadedness. The scope and scale of the conflict is in the story. For example, in my book, "X and Y," the main character is a baker that has androgen insensitivity syndrome. She is not going to be president, nor is so going to prevent terrorists from blowing up a building (actually, she might be one of the people in a building when it does get attacked). Her problems are relationship problems and the bad consequence to her is that the relationship ends. While it is not devistating to the writer of an international thriller, for the character it is important. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:22:11 -0600

THis Cracks me up. I am glad I have a good sense of humor! :) As people point this stuff out to me, I feel as though this is getting worse instead of better. HaHa! The work continues. I asked on another thread how much of the plot needs to be revealed in a query, and the resounding answer from everyone was all of it! :) Back I go!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:41:35 -0600

Gets easier when the novel is edited... because then it feels like it is in solid form. You could try reading all of query shark while you wait for critiques or write another novel. Usually when the novel isn't fully formed well enough... and it hasn't gotten refined the query starts to show weaknesses. Occasionally a query critique will pretty much kill your entire novel premise. (But that's usually because the person didn't research). Wait it out. Believe me, it really is worth it. You'll get a better alpha run from the people who read your actual novel.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Tex2S — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:17:48 -0600

Ha! All right, well, the contest might be closed (not sure if you were submitting this for YA or General), but I can't look at your pitch without smiling, so let me take the time. First of all, I misread that first line as Baker STREET Irregulars, which definitely affected my first understanding. This what you have is definitely funny, though maybe almost too much so, as I was distracted enough by the fun-stuff that it took me two or three read-throughs to put all the pieces together. (I was still on Titanics and elephants when you were explaining about the copy-cat crime spree - but I may be slower than your average Joe.) In seriousness, I think it would be good to maybe get rid of the LARPing reference, as some poor unenlightened folks don't know about the fine art, and really will have to go stop and look it up in order to understand what you're saying. That sentence is important enough that it might ought to be rendered as clear and simply as possible: they have to solve the mystery. You might also like to remove the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, the one about the obituarist, because it's hard to grasp on first go (I have mulled it and figure now that it must mean they think they caught the bad guy but didn't actually, though I'm still not sure how the fellow's day-job would have inspired him to do such a thing.) You might could even join the rest of the fourth paragraph with the third, so it's all one elongated spiral into weirdness and danger: "But after the trail leads them to one crazed obituarist, two assasins, and a night in a haunted house, the Bakersville Irregulars find themselves plunged neck-deep into a crime spree stranger than fiction..." Nothing but love for your last paragraph, though maybe you don't want to have the bit about pages and SASE and all for the ABNA contest if you can still help it - you probably will do better if you can make it look like you crafted the pitch specially for the occasion, and didn't just copy-paste your standard agent query letter to suit the purpose. Good luck, in any case; that is a story I would be well interested in reading, and I bet they will feel the same way!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 20:09:39 -0600

Hi! I will offer up a critique here, even though I am no expert, as my posts may indicate! We are here to help each other! In paragraph one, I would eliminate "She ran away." It seems redundant. I wonder if there is a way to somehow combine the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs? If you could condense the information, it may be good. How about something like: "Sarah did everything that her father expected. She helped around the house, helped to raise her brothers, took care of her mother when she was sick. Her life was never really hers. After the surprise of becoming pregnant with twins with a man with whom she had a careless fling, Sarah realizes that her dreams of travel and settling down in a warm climate are slipping away. Although Sarah marries the father of the twins, she fantasizes about running away from it all. When her twins are grown, Sarah decides to follow through with her silly fantasy. In the middle of the night, Sarah drives cross-country in search of a new life, in Laguna Beach. Sarah quickly meets new friends, gets a job, a place to live, focuses on her passion, and falls madly in love for the first time." Finally, I would just eliminate the word "Then" from the last paragraph. Good Luck!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:52:20 -0600

[quote=Rutland Writer] ~~Have you ever dreamed of running away? After forty-one years of always doing the right thing and living a life that was never really hers, Sarah Rossi did just that. She ran away.~~ Sarah did everything that her father expected. ~~She helped around the house, helped to raise her brothers, took care of her mother when she was sick. Her life was never really hers.~~ Summarize this better in the previous sentence. I prefer pithy--but that's just me. Something like, Sarah was always treated by her father as a live-in maid. Then, in her early twenties, after a drunken night of casual sex, she became pregnant –with twins. All of her dreams slipped away when she agreed to marry the father of her babies, knowing it’s the right thing to do. Awkward. Try spelling out her dream, i.e. the character want and then talk about the night of casual sex. After eighteen years of a rocky marriage, raising the twins, and caring for her father Sarah can’t help but wonder what life could have been like. Sarah dreamed of being a photographer, traveling, living somewhere beautiful and sunny. Instead, she was stuck in rural New Hampshire living a life she never wanted. She often fantasized of running away to California, but leaving her boys like that would be selfish. This is confusing because I'm not sure where the start of the story is. Here should be roughly what will the character do to get what they want... Then, on New Year’s Eve everything changed and Sarah decided to follow through with her silly plan. In the middle of the night, she snuck out of her house and left everything behind. She drove cross-country in search of a new life. Life in Laguna Beach falls into place quickly when she meets new friends, gets a job, a place to live, focuses on her passion, and falls madly in love for the first time. Then, a call from an old friend with bad news forces Sarah to fly back home. Now Sarah must face the past she left behind and make some decisions that will change everything. This reads more like a synopsis--it doesn't focus on one overarching plotline. LAGUNA is [a] ~~complete at~~ 67,000 word [genre] novel. [/quote] You're confusing a synopsis with a query. A query letter should have the main plot. This is scattered to the ten winds and I have no idea what the character wants. I think she wants freedom--but at the same time it seems like the conflict gets solved too quickly for a synopsis. There doesn't seem like there is a price for everything Sarah does. This makes Sarah look like a Mary Sue--she automatically gets her way no matter what and came from a place of suffering. But then thing is that getting a job, holding down a house, etc is never easy. You make it seem like it would be. If she wants freedom, there is a cost to everything she does... and I don't see it. Did you get an alpha to at least check your plotting before posting this?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Flute71 — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:50:33 -0600

:) Thanks! I am beginning my next round of editing today. Reading aloud yesterday, I realized that some of it sounds so journalistic! Good God. That type of writing seems to be a strength for me, but not good for my novel!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

tereseh — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:16:05 -0600

For me this is too long. And confusing. If I were an agent I'd stop reading when Justine wasn't a Justine and Meg isn't Meg and Meg was Justine according to Marcus who isn't Marcus. I don't get it. I had to read through it three times to understand who the Justine was (I thought it was Meg the first time, since Marcus called her Justine...) So someone's trying to kill them. And they're investigating that Marcus who dies? Then they follow trails that take them to the south coast of UK (why?) then to Languedoc (why?) and Panama (why?)- If you don't explain why, why not write they follow a trail that take them across the globe only to land at a scientific research Foundation (why is Foundation capitalised?) I guess if the agents ask for a longer synopsis then this would do okay length wise and sort of story wise. I think it got the story there, but it needs clarification, it all feels a bit whimsy-flimsy. It's obviously a very exciting story, but the name confusion in the beginning I think this letter could do better without... The most enticing thing that would have me wanting to read more is the last line: "Too late, Meg understands what the star does. Now she won’t survive even if she succeeds, because Meg isn’t Meg any more." This line had me going "Oooooohhhh!!!! :D" and I guess that's what you want the agent to think when s/he is reading... :) And on a final note (two actually): First, 233,000 words :O That's very very loooooong... just saying, I've heard that most agents prefer shorter works, like 120,000 and so, from new authors. Second, the title has nothing to do with the synopsis/query you just wrote. Where does the Book Lovers come from? Oh, just remembered that Marcus was obsessed with Marquis de Sade's book... I think something else, like "The Star" (that ancient device) would be more suitable, since it gets more mention (and seems more important) than books. It seems like a great story though, and the last line had me go "Oooohhh!!! :D" Not many synopses or queries make me go "Ooooohh!!! :D" Hope it helps. :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Gnatz — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:41:16 -0600

@ tereseh Thanks for the comments. Yes they help, especially the comments re last line which has sparked a completely different way of thinking about it :) It might end up telling less about the storyline but it should make it more intriguing. I think the former is less important in UK since most agents want a synopsis with the letter anyway. Your other comments confirm what I suspected, just needed an outsider view. Know the book is long. Working on it, though readers didn't find it a problem. It was originally two but refused to split anywhere sensible. It's much more complex than this sounds, though not difficult to follow (I'm told). Title is Book Lovers because both parts are more relevant than it sounds from this, and it's a play on words. Like Schrödinger's cat, it's two things at once! 'The Star ' was first title I thought of too, but it doesn't work because a) too many things already exist with a title of 'the star' or something like it, and b) sounds like a christmas story and c) gives too much away before you start reading. Thanks again for your thoughts. Mine on yours follow shortly. G

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:29:37 -0600

[quote=tereseh] I like to keep it short, but I'm afraid it's too short? Dear Agent, Guardian aAngel Gail Guardian Angel Gail makes Guardian Angel a title. Such as King Marcus of the Forgotten. Check your basic grammar knowledge. thinks her human protegee Iris is as boring as a carpet. I would stop here. I'm bored if the character is bored. Present the problem--boredom is not a problem. Ordinary is not a problem. When FateConfused--who is Fate? Your query starts here. asks Gail to fail in her guarding on purpose, to send Iris to heaven, there is just one problem; Gail refuses.Simplify this sentence to something like Guardian Angel Gail refuses to let her ward into heaven. Hook. Done. Even though her work with Iris seems to have been in vain – that girl is never going to learn her life’s lesson – Gail feels ashamed and guilty. It’s her fault that Iris’s life isn’t worth more than 16 years - and that’s not fair to Iris.Be specific about how Guardian Angel Gail ruined this girl's life--that is your hook. For example, she failed to stop her from putting her hand in a toaster when she was six--something like that. Gail fights for Iris’s life and comes up with a plan that includes the love of an angel named Gabriel to help her protect Iris from Fate and the other guardian angels. Little does she suspect that Gabriel has an agenda of his own, which includes Iris’s timely death, and that he really isn’t the angel she thinks he is - in fact he is not an angel at all.Wishy-washy. What will Gail do to make sure that Iris doesn't die? Vut Gabriel, don't need him. Cut Fate, the Angel too--don't need that character either--center it on Gail and Iris. I CALLED HIM GABRIEL is an paranormal fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. A bit of a weak title. Add, "Thank you for your time and consideration." here. And use "Sincerely," for the closer. Keep it professional. Also read my first post in this thread with the links. Thank you for your time and consideration, Hopeful Author [/quote] Overall, feels scattered as if you aren't sure what the main conflict and the plot is--did you put the manuscript through an alpha to diagnose your plot issues first? Have you had it Betaed a few thousand times? Those things make writing the query actually easier. You don't really do service to yourself to do it before that point.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

tereseh — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 07:03:57 -0600

Thanks for your reply, and yes, my carpet is boring ;) and mostly because I couldn't come up with something that was more boring... potatoes? watching the grass grow?(but that's so cliche) :) To answer your questions I think I'll have to explain a little of the background. Fate is an entity that does exactly what it says on the package - decide the fate of humans. But since she is an entity that cannot take physical form and she cannot interact with humans she has Guardian Angels to do her 'dirty' work for her. Guardian angels want their human protege to learn as much as possible in this life rather than in the next (that way the guardian angels can climb 'the heavenly ladder' and get more important stuff to do (evolve, get promoted, ascend)). Gail wants this too, but she knows Iris will have to go through the same ordeals again (in next life)(Iris's mother was killed by her father, and now she's under witness protection programme with her little brother), just because Gail wasn't a good enough guardian angel. There is no clear reason for Fate to send Iris to heaven and Gail onwards. Other guardian angels wouldn't even think of questioning Fate's decision, but Gail does, because she knows she's not worth it. You get promoted if you do a good job, and Gail hasn't done a good job with Iris, so she refuses to give Iris up. Whether she succeeds or not is another question - you can't mess with Fate and get away with it. Oh, and the angels are invisible to humans. Only when they want to be seen they can be seen. Dunno if I should put it in here or just leave it out. And I'm debating the difference between ward and protege; Ward - a person, usually a minor, under the care and control of a guardian appointed by their parents or a court Protege - a person who is guided and supported by an older and more experienced or influential person they both seem to mean the same thing, but I'm leaning more towards protege, because guardian angels more guide than control, since they are supposed to be invisible. (After reading through this post I'm thinking if my explanation would be a better query than my initial query??)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:19:07 -0600

Usually if you have to explain your story, it means you failed in your query. Instead of explaining, come out with another draft. TT That's got to be one of the hardest things I had to learn when I was learning how to draft. I would spend hours explaining to people what was supposed to be there, but if they can't see it, you can't make them either. I know--even if the person asks you to explain, resist! resist! It just means you didn't do your job.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:16:40 -0600

[quote=writergirl1995] Here's mine. Dear Agent, On July 19th, her sixteenth birthday, Jade's life turned upside down. Or inside out. Or both. In May, her life was a lot simpler. Her biggest worries were whether or not Diane saw her fit to remain part of the popular clique, and that her godparents noticed she was failing algebra. Of course, she got Keith as a tutor, and he was the best in the class. The only problem was that Diane didn't like him, while her own feelings weren't exactly in harmony with that. In June, she aced her algebra final. She was so excited that she ran to tell Keith, and he took her out to lunch. It was all going fine until she got dizzy and passed out. Your Query Starts here (In the words of Miss Snark. She woke up on the ground, alone, and staring up at a sky that lacked a sun. Things didn't get much easier when she reunited with Keith. Rubin was their self-proclaimed guide, and while his stormy gray eyes were to die for, Keith didn't seem to trust him. And after his fourth disappearance, Jade didn't really want to, either. All she wanted was to get home with Keith safely. ~~In July, they tried unsuccessfully to escape. It seemed that the Shadows had other ideas-- ideas involving her falling in love with Rubin, and Keith dying a painful death.~~ And on top of all this, everyone keeps whispering about the child of prophecy, the one with telekinesis-- and it's on July 19th that she realizes they're talking about her. THE DARK SIDE is a 70,000 word fantasy/adventure novel, with a bit of romance floating about. Thank you for your time. [/quote] Expand the remaining paragraphs. It's too listy at this point, and we need to know more about who the character is--such as the choices she needs to make.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:30:02 -0600

I need an edit button. TT

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 11:36:05 -0600

[quote=thecraftteens] Okay, if it's possible, I'd like some help with my query letter. I posted it on AbsoluteWrite, but no one responded to my letter's third incarnation, which is posted below. ~~For sixteen-year-old Kai Morrison, having a superpower is nothing to get excited about.~~Not a Hook. Reads, Guy has great and amazing power, but finds it boring. So then why should I care? If he had the power to light things on fire like his best friend Jin, he’d be in better shape, but unfortunately, he’s stuck nearly blinding himself with the beams of light shooting from his palms.Isn't a hook. Arbitrary mention of his friend. When Kai discovers that the new kid in town, Avyri Maykov, has electric powers, he coerces the truth out of him. And, surprisingly, Avyri not only admits to his ability but reveals how they obtained their powers in the first place: alien souls have lain dormant inside them for the past ten years. Souls that are beginning to wake up, to warn Kai and his friends of another, more malevolent alien--an impossibly pale man in a pinstripe suit who will stop at nothing to satiate his hunger for alien souls. I'm confused at this point. Who is the character again? What does the character really want? Kai would be lying if he said he didn’t want to climb in a hole and pull the hole in after him, but the time for wimping out is over. And besides, he knows what Avyri says is true. There’s no way he can explain away the strange feeling he’s been having lately, as if some phantom sensation has taken over his body. And then there’s his mirror reflection, which keeps moving on its own…. Totally lost by this point. What does the character--not the other characters want? What will the character do to get it? ~~Kai realizes that to protect himself and his family, he must go on the run with Avyri and Jin.~~No idea what this is about... you didn't establish anything prior that told they have to run... The only way to stay alive is to keep moving, never staying in one place for long. Despite this, the man in the pinstripe suit is gaining on them, and unfortunately for Kai and friends, none of their powers will kill him. So when they come across a trio of teens with powers of their own, Kai takes it as a stroke of good luck. Only problem is, Avyri doesn’t trust them--not the way they showed up seemingly from nowhere, and not the way they keep insisting Kai and his friends follow them to their home base, the Rusty Cog, where an army of superpowered kids live and work together. There, at the Rusty Cog, is where Kai realizes he needs to be. But like Avyri, he doesn’t quite trust these kids. And yet, seeking refuge among them might be the only way to ensure his and his friends’ survival. [/quote] Were you schooled that you need to take a break between your query letters? 'Cause Quicklime usually does that for you at Absolute Write... If you weren't then you need to take a break--at least a week. If it takes a month, then so be it. Ignore the people who ask you to explain your story. If you do that you tend to want to pack in so many things into the query as they ask for explanations, but lose focus on what drives the story. Instead, write down the major plot points and then boil them down into the main plot and then write to that. Then post that. Reply by putting up a new query. I think you fell victim to that... quick turn around without taking a step back to look at the repercussions. I can't make heads or tails of this query at all. It's too packed in without focus--you bring the focus to the critique party--not anyone else. At this point you might want to summarize your plot in one sentence... and then rebuild the query from there. But really, do wait a week. I've learned to step back a lot more...

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

J_S_C — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:25:03 -0600

[quote=iymcool] ~~5th of March, 2012~~ ~~Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr.~~ ADDRESS ~~ADDRESS~~ ~~1-(254)-###-####~~ ~~chsjam@yahoo.com~~ ~~Good afternoon~~ Use a simple Dear xxxxxxxxxxx: ~~Sister Evelyn of the C.G. Priori lived her life sheltered and absorbed in the understanding that the Influence would always be a dream away, protecting and securing her future.~~ Way too long a sentence. All of that changes one day and shakes up Evelyn’s fifty years of devotion with the single opening of a rusted and once sealed door, leading her past her own borders, and into a world where dreams are no more reality than her own faith. Use short declarative sentences. PENSIVE, a debut novel of 50,100 words, ~~thrusts the reader into a world where thoughts are controlled by the rules of a close-minded society, and consequences are extreme for those that dare to ask what lies outside their own borders.~~ Enter genre here. ~~A notable work it can be compared to would be The End of Mr. Y, by Scarlett Thomas.~~ Let the agent decide if it is like the work of another author. I have a degree in psychology from the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor in Belton, Texas with an emphasis on personality theory and how it affects the individual mind as well as a collection of people. My credentials come from me taking specific courses such as: human genetics, positive psychology, developmental psychology, history and systems, statistics, experimental psychology, as well as vertebrate and invertebrate biology. The agent does not care if you are the most educated person in the whole world. Now, if you were published (not academically) then put that. I read on your bio that you have an interest in psychology and stories that deal with unusual views of the world. Despite being a debut author, I feel that even without endorsements I can surprise and intrigue you with a story that not only educates, but causes the reader’s heart to race, break, and look for repair in a world driven by old science and fearsome thought. You say a lot in this paragraph, and yet in that whole query, you did not show me one bit of what you are saying here. Thank you for your time and consideration, Michael Kroll Now put in your contact information [/quote] Okay here are the things you need to do. 1) Show me who the main character is. 2) Show me what the main character wants (read: conflict). 3) Show me what the main character risks because of number 2. 4) Show me what the main character gets because of number 3. 5) Show me that you can write simple sentences. There is no need to be flowery in a query. Prose can be shown if the agent wants to read the manuscript. --JSC

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

iymcool — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:42:24 -0500

Thank you so very much for the feed back! I apologize for the late reply. However, I have revised the query and now have this: 14th of March, 2012 Dear xxxxxxx: Beating a man’s head in is not normal. Neither is talking to jars, or trying to protect empty bottles of glass. However, normalcy disappeared once Evelyn, a quiet nun from the C.G. Priori, trespassed into the outside world. PENSIVE, a debut novel of 50,100 words, is a literary fiction work that combines science, adventure, and what lies beyond the limits of human understanding. Evelyn’s fifty years of quiet devotion to the Influence are shattered when she is told her entire faith has been built on nothing but the thoughts and dreams of her own mind, and those of her fellow nuns. Hoping to disprove such a wild claim, she steals herself into the land outside the gates of her city, and begins to search for the existence of her god. Along the way she discovers unusual allies who live off the land, friends in a city made of metal and gold, and a demon in the guise of a minister who wants nothing but the beauty of a different god to be seen, whether it is through rose tinted glasses, or blood soaked hands. A society woven together with the thoughts and aspirations of many slowly begins to unravel as Evelyn traverses the land, undoing centuries worth of understanding with the only tool she was given: the naivety of a sheltered mind. Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS Belton TX 76513 PHONE NUMBER chsjam@yahoo.com

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 11:36:37 -0600

TT No edit button... sorry about the excessive bold.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

iymcool — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:44:02 -0500

Apparently I forgot that I can not edit a post. I assure you though, there are spaces in the letter: 14th of March, 2012 Dear xxxxxxx: Beating a man’s head in is not normal. Neither is talking to jars, or trying to protect empty bottles of glass. However, normalcy disappeared once Evelyn, a quiet nun from the C.G. Priori, trespassed into the outside world. PENSIVE, a debut novel of 50,100 words, is a literary fiction work that combines science, adventure, and what lies beyond the limits of human understanding. Evelyn’s fifty years of quiet devotion to the Influence are shattered when she is told her entire faith has been built on nothing but the thoughts and dreams of her own mind, and those of her fellow nuns. Hoping to disprove such a wild claim, she steals herself into the land outside the gates of her city, and begins to search for the existence of her god. Along the way she discovers unusual allies who live off the land, friends in a city made of metal and gold, and a demon in the guise of a minister who wants nothing but the beauty of a different god to be seen, whether it is through rose tinted glasses, or blood soaked hands. A society woven together with the thoughts and aspirations of many slowly begins to unravel as Evelyn traverses the land, undoing centuries worth of understanding with the only tool she was given: the naivety of a sheltered mind. Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS Belton TX 76513 PHONE NUMBER chsjam@yahoo.com

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:50:50 -0500

[quote=iymcool] Apparently I forgot that I can not edit a post. I assure you though, there are spaces in the letter: 14th of March, 2012 Dear xxxxxxx: Beating a man’s head in is not normal. Neither is talking to jars, or trying to protect empty bottles of glass. However, normalcy disappeared once Evelyn, a quiet nun from the C.G. Priori, trespassed into the outside world. PENSIVE, a debut novel of 50,100 words, is a literary fiction work that combines science, adventure, and what lies beyond the limits of human understanding. Evelyn’s fifty years of quiet devotion to the Influencehas no meaning here. are shattered ~~when she is told her entire faith has been built on nothing but the thoughts and dreams of her own mind, and those of her fellow nuns.~~ Simplify. It's a maze sentence. Did you do a copy-paste from the last critique? Rather than read the advice and just blindly apply it, read the advice and actually figure out what it means, then apply it. Hoping to disprove such a wild claim, she steals herself into the land outside the gates of her city, and begins to search for the existence of her god.lowercase? Overblown language. Along the way she discovers unusual allies who live off the land, friends in a city made of metal and gold, and a demon in the guise of a minister who wants nothing but the beauty of a different god to be seen, whether it is through rose tinted glasses, or blood soaked hands.Again, maze sentence. A society woven together with the thoughts and aspirations of many slowly begins to unravel as Evelyn traverses the land, undoing centuries worth of understanding with the only tool she was given: the naivety of a sheltered mind. TITLE is a [#]-word [genre] novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS Belton TX 76513 PHONE NUMBER chsjam@yahoo.com [/quote] There is an idea in there, but I have no idea what it is. Show, don't tell and follow query format--it's on the first page the first whole post I did there, or you can view Query Shark... Following format means you can follow directions, which is important in this industry. You also have these long sentences that don't go anywhere and are trying too hard--which means I think your manuscript probably has the same issues, which also means me asking: Did you edit your manuscript thoroughly before posting? Because if you had, these long sentences without pacing or point wouldn't have made it to the query. Literary is mostly dependent on narration--but I don't see anything like a narrative, but more like a need to sound important--which entirely is not the point of Literary Fiction. It's the individual's ability to tell a story which reflects on the society, not so much how fancy can you make your words.... Put that into the query. Also after you read both critiques, give it a while--if you haven't edited your manuscript, finish editing it then come back and post--I guarantee it is much easier after you've cleaned up your story.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

iymcool — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:54:33 -0500

Thank you so much with your patience and help. I read through the first post and joined QueryTracker in hopes of getting myself a bit more organized. I understand about the format of a query letter (or at least hope that I do) and have re-written mine in the traditional format of: Character-Conflict-Consequence: 21st of March, 2012 Dear xxxxxxx: Evelyn’s fifty years of quiet devotion to her faith are shattered when she is told her beliefs have been built on nothing but the thoughts and dreams of the people around her. Hoping to disprove this claim, she escapes her prison and sets out to seek what is real and what is truly just smoke and mirrors. The world on the other side of her wall shows the nun that the mind and the soul are both linked, as well as forever separated. Searching for the truth behind the creation of existence proves to be more than just a simple question though. The bishops who ruled Evelyn’s home feel her questions bring more threat than salvation, and they will stop at nothing to quell the discomfort she is unknowingly stirring up. A society woven together with the thoughts and aspirations of many quickly begin to unravel as Evelyn traverses the land, undoing centuries worth of understanding with the only tool she has: the naivety of a sheltered mind. Finding the birth of existence is more than just a personal quest; without the answer to the past, Evelyn’s world may be undone before the future can even begin. PENSIVE is a 50,100-word literary fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS Belton TX 76513 PHONE NUMBER chsjam@yahoo.com

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:21:59 -0500

[quote=iymcool] Thank you so much with your patience and help. I read through the first post and joined QueryTracker in hopes of getting myself a bit more organized. I understand about the format of a query letter (or at least hope that I do) and have re-written mine in the traditional format of: Character-Conflict-Consequence: 21st of March, 2012 Dear xxxxxxx: Evelyn’s fifty years of quiet devotion to her faith are shattered when she is told her beliefs have been built on nothing but the thoughts and dreams of the people around her. The sentence is trying to be too mysterious. Be specific. I'm lost here. Hoping to disprove this claim, she escapes her prison What prison? Too vague. and sets out to seek what is real ~~and what is truly just smoke and mirrors.~~ repetitive and unspecific. The world on the other side of her wall shows the nun that the mind and the soul are both linked, as well as forever separated. Overwritten. You didn't introduce that she was a nun in the first place, this is vague, and you are more in love with the words than the story. Searching for the truth behind the creation of existence proves to be more than just a simple question ~~though~~. The bishops who ruled Evelyn’s home feel her questions bring more threat than salvation, and they will stop at nothing to quell the discomfort she is unknowingly stirring up. Too vague. A society woven together with the thoughts and aspirations of many quickly begin to unravel as Evelyn traverses the land, undoing centuries worth of understanding with the only tool she has: the naivety of a sheltered mind. Finding the birth of existence is more than just a personal quest; without the answer to the past, Evelyn’s world may be undone before the future can even begin. Vague, and also feels like telling. You broke POV. What does Evelyn want, how is she going to get it? Where is the narrative power in the story? PENSIVE is a 50,100-word literary fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Mr. Michael Douglas Kroll Jr. ADDRESS Belton TX 76513 PHONE NUMBER chsjam@yahoo.com [/quote] Cleaner... but still needs work. This will sound a tad rude. ^^;; though I can't put it any other way, but perhaps you should listen to the New Yorker Podcast online for free? Or at least read the magazine... while there is language manipulation in it, the character and the story come first. Usually it starts out with really strong character which turns into strong narration, which in turn drives the particular word choice. Literature should be like that... but I feel that you still are putting the words above the narrative and the character. You suffer from all too mysterious syndrome and also from in love with the words rather than the story syndrome. Story comes first before the poetry of the words. You are writing prose. Go for detail, not description and poetry. Go for the specific points. I can demonstrate the difference, though this is extreme... Gerald was a hombre with locks of flowing gold that liked to carol in places with honey-skinned damsels doing stuff when stuff happened to him, making him go out on a journey of self discovery. Gerald worked in a bars singing to women when one day a gryphon had the audacity crash through the pub roof dead. This event happened to be right in the middle of "He was a Jolly Good Fellow" to a widow that Gerald had his eyes on for her milk jugs--not just the metaphorical ones. To win her affections, he has to now find out who killed the uhh... wonderful and not really smelly beast Which one would you read? Which one has more conflict? Specifics help. Voice of the character helps. Show the story first, worry about cleaning the wording later.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:00:21 -0500

[quote=grench] DATE Dear xx: Jennifer Miles is pursuing a master’s of fine art degree in photography at the University of Wisconsin. After a disastrous portfolio review with her academic advisory committee, who give Jennifer one last chance before being kicked out of school, she goes for a head-clearing drive in the country. Don't really care about this part. Show the character through the conflict--the previous conflict seems bland. Your query starts here. Forty-five miles east of Madison, she encounters an abandoned farmstead with an enormous, red barn.Detail this out and use the previous room to make it better. What is so alluring about this farmstead? ~~Allured by its mystery,~~Be specific and detailed. Jennifer and a ragtag group of friends work together to uncover the farm’s history, ~~a task complicated by the amorous distractions of two new men in Jennifer’s life.~~Too much telling Eventually, the farm’s story inspires Jennifer’s next art project, despite the protests of her advisors.Why do I care? Tell me more about the barn. Meanwhile, in 1905, Markus Baum, who runs a successful dairy breeding operation, decides he needs a new a barn. His wife, Mattie, insists he build their dream home instead, but Markus resists. It’s just another reminder of their fruitless desire for children. Then, after taking in Wim, their 17-year-old nephew, Mattie’s and Markus’s lives change forever. The depths of their love take all three on a twisting journey of desperation, heartbreak and forgiveness. Choose one main character. ~~As the two eras converge, Jennifer and friends learn about the fleeting nature of success while simultaneously exposing timeless truths that connect past, present and future.~~ Show, don't tell. BARNSTORMING is an 84,000-word literary novel, ~~a Bildungsroman, with elements of mystery, romance and historical fiction.~~ Show, don't tell. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, MY CONTACT INFO [/quote] I think the main problem is a focus issue. The real conflict seems to be Jennifer finding out about this farmhouse which has secrets no one wants her to find out about. You have the character, but too many conflicts--pick the *main* conflict and *one* character to talk about. You could slide it by saying that the "farmstead" itself is the main character (especially as a literary novel), but you'd have to be pretty good at cover letters to get there. Give a taste of what Jennifer has to go through to unravel the secrets of the barn, etc. For example, she gets a death threat, or she has to face the children of the home--whatever it is, give that. With that, you can also *show* the other characters from the other time, which should focus the query and give it the usual format. So, I'd say close--you have the idea, narrative centric, but you just need to focus the character-conflict you want to hook the reader with.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

grench — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:52:18 -0500

Thanks. This isn't a redraft, just putting some thoughts on paper as fast as I can type. I suppose the seeming lack of focus in the previous query results from the overall structure of the novel, which alternates chapters between past and present. As Jennifer Miles explores the history of the barn, the story of Markus and Mattie Baum unfolds. Jennifer's narrative follows a path where she doubts herself as an artist, wonders what her last-chance project should be, runs across the barn, gets arrested on a surprise date, gets wooed by the realtor she met at the barn, and gets confused about her priorities in life--ranging from dating to her lifelong passion for photography. Ultimately, she settles on the barn as a project, but her advisors say the project lacks originality. As Jennifer uncovers the barn's history, however, she learns about herself--and eventually comes to see herself as an artist. Critics be damned. As Jennifer's journey of self-discovery unfolds, we learn about Markus. His parents brought him to the U.S. as a child to escape Catholic persecution in Germany. He inherited the rundown farm from his parents and built it into a world-class breeding operation. Despite the operation's success, however, Markus and his wife, Mattie, are unfilled. They want children. But after five years of trying, they're ready to give up. Then their nephew Wim, 17, moves in when Wim's father kicks the boy out. Wim's presence forces Markus and Mattie to question the meaning of love and family. As both stories unfold, we wonder how much Jennifer will find out. Will she simply scratch the surface, or will she discover more? Ultimately, is the past as simple as we'd like to remember? Do dusty memories and faded papers reveal deeper truths, or do they simply reinforce an idealized version of the past?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

grench — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:17:47 -0500

Here's a revised stab at this. See my previous note below. Based on the structure of the novel, I feel the need to focus on the narratives in both 2012 and 1905. I don't think there's any way around that. QUERY LETTER: BARNSTORMING Dear xx: In 1905, Markus Baum runs a world-class breeding operation that ushers in many of the modern dairy farming techniques still used today. Markus’s parents brought him to the United States as a child to escape Catholic persecution in Germany. He inherited the rundown farm and made it prosperous. Despite the operation's success, however, Markus and his wife, Mattie, are unfulfilled. They want children. But after five years of trying, they're ready to give up when their nephew Wim, 17, moves in. Wim's presence forces Markus and Mattie to question the meaning of love, definition of family and their Catholic upbringing. In 2012, after a disastrous portfolio review with her academic advisory committee, Jennifer Miles, who studies art photography at the University of Wisconsin, is given one last chance before she’ll be asked to leave graduate school. Forty-five miles east of Madison, she encounters an abandoned farmstead with an enormous, red barn. After getting arrested on a surprise date, getting wooed by the realtor she met at the barn, and getting confused about her priorities in life—ranging from relationships to her lifelong passion for photography—Jennifer settles on the barn as her last-chance project, despite her advisors’ objections. As she uncovers pieces of the barn’s history, Jennifer learns about the fleetingness of success and pursues her own artistic vision with abandon. Critics be damned. BARNSTORMING is an 84,000-word a literary novel. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, MY CONTACT INFO

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 12:47:10 -0500

It's not a good idea to explain your story--you won't be there to explain it to an agent either. In the interests of acting like an agent, I'm going to ignore the explaination, because you simply can't do that to an agent, so you shouldn't try to do it with your readers either. Your reader may be miss your 1%--whatever, and you may have bat them over the head with it, but you will have 0% chance to argue or explain to them why they didn't see it. It's either there or it isn't. I *still* think you can centralize the conflict, and probably *especially* since it is a Literary story. Is there a central conflict that ties the two times together at all? If no, you got some revising of the story to do and you shouldn't be writing the cover letter, but finding an Alpha to help you with figuring out your story. What do these two time periods or main characters have in common in their conflict? I can give an example of that. http://www.commonsensemedia.org/book-reviews/sisterhood-traveling-pants What's in common? The traveling pants, what do the girls share? The pants fit them and make them feel confident. Is the book itself fractured? Yes. Does the book emphasize different places and times? yes. Still, there is a commonality. If you can't produce more than the farmstead as a commonality, then you need a string that ties the two together, bookwise, so there is a reason we have the time jump, otherwise it's just two separate stories in one book.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

grench — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 09:35:19 -0500

Thanks for the input. Helpful. Although, I think better examples are "The Healing" by Jonathan Odell and Michael Cunningham's "Specimen Days." My novel is more "integrated" than Cunningham's, and less integrated than Odell's. "Traveling Plants," where the jeans are more of a gimmicky plot device isn't the best example. I'm confident, based on input from several first readers, the two-timeline approach converges nicely. It's a single story told in non-linear fashion, and it needs to be told in this manner. The central theme in each is about self-discovery, the nature of progress and forgiveness. Since it all makes since to those initial readers, at this point, it's a matter of pulling those themes together succinctly and compellingly in the query, which is where I seem to be struggling, although I seem to be struggling less now than before.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 01 May 2012 10:44:09 -0500

I'll be a tad annoying here and say the words that sound rather umm... cliche--"Show don't tell" Either it's in the query, or it's not. Figure out how to make your query work around those themes rather than seeming like two separate stories and having to explain it before. It's either in the query or it's not. You have no ability to hand hold with a query or argue with the agent. So instead of saying you're confident, show it with another query draft without explaining yourself. <-- By far, this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn when it came to receiving critiques. I'm pushing you here for your own good... ^^;;

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fornwalt — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 22:31:05 -0500

[quote=Harriet12_3] Not good at this sort of thing at all so need as much helps as I can get. Feel free to rip it to shreds. Dear _____ With failed exams and no intention of repeating them Jack was hoping for something, anything, to prevent himself from looking like a failure. He managed to land a spot in the band Readers Who Run. Music is not his passion but a few pub gigs is ((("are"))) better than nothing. Olly and Maria, former-couple-turned-bandmates, have bigger ideas. For Maria it is all or nothing--she has dreamed her whole life of making it big and she’s not the type to give up without a fight. Olly, with his lazy smile and laid back attitude, seems as if he was born to be a rockstar. He acts like he thinks so too. Cherie, born and raised on the Aran Islands, eats, breathes and sleeps music. A career in music is her conservative parents’ worst nightmare, but Cherie believes in being herself wholeheartedly, no matter the consequences. But is being a band really part of who she is. (((is that supposed to be a question?))) All with different motivations and hopes of what they will achieve, Readers Who Run are thrown head first into the wild world of the music industry. They are faced with blood-thirsty press, dismissive publicists, life on the road, love, heart break, fame hungry fangirls and themselves. Nowhere Left to Run is a contemporary YA novel 84,000 words in length. Enclosed find whatever it is the agency requires for submission. Thank you for your time and consideration. Yours sincerely Harriet12_3 [/quote] I added a few grammatical edits and a couple comments. Overall, I think it's pretty good, but I definitely think you focus a bit too much on the characters and not enough on the plot. Let us (and the agent) find these things out for themselves when we read your novel! :D Until then, I recommend focusing more on what your story is about rather than who stars in it! But you're doing great--just keep it up! :)

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 01 May 2012 10:51:34 -0500

[quote=Harriet12_3] Not good at this sort of thing at all so need as much helps as I can get. Feel free to rip it to shreds. Dear _____ With failed exams and no intention of repeating them[,] Jack was hoping for something, anything, to prevent himself from looking like a failure. He managed to land a spot in the band Readers Who Run. Music is not his passion[,] but a few pub gigs is better than nothing. Olly and Maria, former couple turned bandmates, have bigger ideas. For Maria it is all or nothing, she has dreamed her whole life of making it big and she’s not the type to give up without a fight. Olly with his lazy smile and laid back attitude seems as if he was born to be a rockstar. He acts like he thinks so too. Cherie, born and raised on the Aran Islands, eats, breathes and sleeps music. A career in music is her conservative parents’ worst nightmare but Cherie believes in being herself wholeheartedly no matter the consequences. But is being a band really part of who she is. Focus on one character--we don't need the whole book here. All with different motivations and hopes of what they will achieves Readers Who Run are thrown head first into the wild word of the music industry. They are faced with blood-thirsty press, dismissive publicists, life on the road, love, heart break, fame hungry fangirls and themselves. The list--listy list--no conflict in the list Nowhere Left to Run is a contemporary YA novel 84,000 words in length. Enclosed find whatever it is the agency requires for submission. Thank you for your time and consideration. Yours sincerely Harriet12_3 [/quote] Grammar issues. >.<;; If I were an agent I'd worry about your manuscript having the same grammar problems. You need to learn what an independent and a dependent clause is to nail those commas. I'd say stronger focus on Jack, focus on his problems specifically with the band. A query doesn't have to look at the whole book, but feel like the book in tone. You can do that with a single character. When you provide that focus on Jack's problems with the band and touring, then you can have room to expand it out. The bandmates can be mentioned as needed, but limit proper names overall to about 3-4 at most. (Human mind has those limits for short term memory. See phone numbers.) That will help centralize the feeling of the plot and you can work out theming, and emotion from there.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 01 May 2012 11:07:59 -0500

[quote=fornwalt] Here's mine! Any help is much obliged! :D -------------------------------------------------- Dear [agent], ~~Annabelle Bowen was supposed to be a perfectly proper English lady, find a perfectly amiable husband, and live the perfectly acceptable role of a gentry housewife. Then pirates attacked.~~ Two objections: One Sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean--Movie 2's beginning. Also starts with the movie cliche, an ordinary (wo)man did ordinary thing. You don't have that luxury--if the agent is in a bad mood, they won't get past that first sentence. Hook much faster. Think of it as you're fighting for your life here. After five disorderly years, she’s now Captain Anne Bowen, and her days are spent supervising a motley crew of very uncivilized men. She’s learned to fight and gamble and dance drunken jigs, and her life couldn’t be better. Still too ordinary to here. There is no conflict with this woman. So what? I've seen lady pirates, but she doesn't seem all that important or special. She's just a lady pirate. Your main conflict and a bag of why-should-I-buy-this pirate story should be here by now. Until the day she orders the capture of Le Soleil Doré, a tantalizing French flagship, and discovers the furious Monsieur Bordeaux in the captain’s quarters and the exasperatingly charming James Kelley locked in the brig.Again, so what? Sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean. Make it special for me. She maroons them both on a longboat, but when she finds Kelley in the Williamsburg jail weeks later Anne realizes that this is only the beginning. And when Le Soleil Doré, and her loyal crew aboard it, go missing, she embarks on a voyage riddled with deception to get them back.again, so what? ~~LIBERTY AND DEATH is complete at 55,000 words. It is historical young adult fiction with a pint of romance and a tankard of rum. I would love to submit a full manuscript upon your request.~~Go standard and no, you aren't that clever. Leave the clever stuff to the hook. "LIBERTY AND DEATH is a 55,000 Young Adult Historical Fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration." ~~Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I eagerly look forward to hearing from you!~~ Sincerely, fornwalt [/quote] Main issues: Missing a central conflict that is special beyond belief. Since this is essentially an adventure story, albeit set in the past, you need a main objective that is outright cool. So far you have Lady Pirate that meets a man, goes weak in the knees for him and loses her ship. That doesn't sound that exciting especially since every single last book/movie with a ship in it has had it's captain/crew lost somewhere without their ship. Give her an objective--something she wants that isn't a man more than anything. Death of Peter Pan, a special treasure she's been searching for, revenge on the captain that killed her husband and children--those are things I can get behind. In one question: What does she want? Once you have that, then: What will she sacrifice to get it?

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

grench — Wed, 02 May 2012 17:21:17 -0500

Thanks. I wasn't trying to explain myself. I was trying to give you more info. so you could be more constructive in your criticism. Alas, I failed. I was also frustrated you were criticizing my book without having read it--this isn't a dragon tale with a clearly delineated black-and-white, good vs. evil external conflict. I wish that were the case, writing the query would be easier. Still, based on a diverse group of alpha and beta readers, its a compelling story with plenty of drama--and as a literary novel, much, but certainly not all, the conflict is internal. I really appreciate your input. This is what I currently have. I've been letting it ferment for a while. I don’t think this is it yet. QUERY: BARNSTORMING Dear xx: In one era, a barn is about to be built. In the other, it’s about to be torn down. The two eras are separated by time, yet connected by desires just beginning and those coming to an end. In 1905, Markus and Mattie Baum dream about having a child, but they’re unable. Their relationship is on the verge of collapse, leading to a desperate act, kept hidden for generations. In 2012, Jennifer Miles dreams about creating meaningful art photography, but her graduate advisers are skeptical, and budding relationships with not one, but two, boyfriends are already interfering with her art. The two eras collide forty-five miles east of Madison, Wisconsin, when Jennifer, about to quit art, goes for a head-clearing drive in the country. There, she encounters an abandoned farmstead and a large, red barn. This farm will be her next — maybe her last — art project. While Jennifer envisions a body of work spanning generations, her advisers object, calling photos of old barns cliche. At the risk of getting kicked out of school, Jennifer painstakingly pieces together the Baum farm’s story, exposing enduring truths about family, love, faith and perseverance that tie together past, present and future. Its a journey of discovery that helps Jennifer appreciate the meaning of the word artist. But will she uncover Markus and Mattie’s dark secret? Does the truth even matter? BARNSTORMING is an 84,000-word literary novel. I am a graduate of Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism and am a public relations professional. This is my first novel. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, Greg French

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

fornwalt — Wed, 02 May 2012 01:01:59 -0500

You're totally right--I have a major flaw in my novel that I didn't even notice before your comments. Thanks for pointing that out! I'm going back to do some major overhaul, and hopefully I'll have a new query letter written up in a month or so, after everything's fixed. :) Thanks!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 04 May 2012 09:40:33 -0500

[quote=louisebrooks] Please help! Dear [agent], Constance has been fired from her part time job, has a horrible hangover, and is dreading the start of sixth form. What is the "sixth form" vague. Nice hook, but it doesn't seem to relate to the main plot. I'd start with the next sentence, but insert some conflict. But she is being haunted by the ghost of her best friend[,] Serena[,] ~~and nothing could make her happier. Serena was the best person on the planet- until she took her own life that is.~~Try, "who committed suicide." Short, simple, sweet. Now[,] ~~Serena’s back from the dead, Constance hopes that everything will be back to normal.~~This isn't a needed sentence. It's redundancy on repeating itself. Ghost==dead. Haunting==coming back from the dead. No new information when you're fighting for the life of your book here. I have no idea who Constance really is, though besides she had a best friend. Unfortunately, Serena is not the only one who has escaped the afterlife. Move up. The locals start disappearing in increasingly gory ways Too vague. Something like Constance knows she has to do X when a neighbor 's head is hung from her porch roof with his brain eaten. Pack an image in. and Constance has a near-miss with a knife-wielding monster in the woods.Use imagery, rather than a loose plot idea. ~~And when she finds a detailed sketch of the monster in Serena’s old bedroom she has to confront the possibility that Serena is mixed up in it.~~ What does she *have* to do about it? ~~And to top it all, Queen Bee Bryony is blaming Constance for Serena’s suicide- right in front of the oh so gorgeous Will.~~ Constance has to stand up for herself and confront her guilt over Serena’s suicide to save the town.Why? Why does she care about the town? Why do WE care about the town? And just maybe, she’ll make some new friends. WHEN THE SHADOWS FALL is a 60,000 word YA supernatural novel. [/quote] Not bad, needs a wrench in a few places, but you have the basic idea. Just has some issues that need to be worked out, such as commas. This sounds like it could be campy fun the way you present it--like a parody of such things. It doesn't have the dark feeling of things that go bump in the night. I'm not sure if that's your aim, if it isn't revise and SHOW it to us *in* your query. (I only emphasize the last part because people try to *tell* it and then fail to put it into the query--which is still a fail.) Your query is an argument to people to read the book and ask for pages. Also, for a YA, it doesn't mention anything like school, college, etc, so I get the sense that Constance could be any age--rather than inserting her age "And she was sixteen" try integrating the details of school into the query. Constance is your main issue. I have no idea who the character is because you haven't shown choices that she has consciously made. Things seem to be happening *to* her, but she isn't *making* things happen, which makes me wary because that means a mediocre character without a personality. Even a stereotype would work for campy fun--though it will not work for a dark horror atmosphere. Serena is even better defined--she makes choices such as coming back from the dead and bringing monsters with her, though I think making part of her motivations, or a false motivation would be a better hook. "Revenge on the town" sprinkled with a little mystery of "Why is Serena doing this?" without pulling "It's all too mysterious" card. The last paragraph is a wash mostly. You insert two characters that weren't in the main query and don't add anything. And the "how" Constance plans to make *choices* is unclear. Good shot though. Revise and show the revisions in the next query draft.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

louisebrooks — Sat, 05 May 2012 11:40:01 -0500

Thanks for your help. Might be too much British English- 6th form is the final 2 years of school so it would be hopefully clear to a British audience that she is 16. Should I change this? Thanks so much for your help- I'll give it another shot!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 07 May 2012 10:16:00 -0500

I'm pretty sure that British grammar also has the commas where I placed them. I can get into the grammar technicals of why... (I've critiqued British work before). You can *integrate the school life *into* the query. Example: Kayla Jaysens didn't think zombies existed until she was bit by one when she opened her locker. She's been turning blue lately--mostly because her AP History teacher sent her to the nurse's office even though she doesn't feel that sick. Did I say she's sixteen and going to school even once? No. But you can guess her age from cues. "Locker" "her AP history teacher" and "Nurse's Office." She can't be 8, because they don't have AP history. She can't be an adult, because she has a teacher and a locker. But you clearly have the conflict integrated into her school life. Also, there is a voice to the query (though not yet to the character besides, she's kinda oblivious) I can do that in even less lines. Detail, not description. Show, don't tell. BTW, agents in Britain, according to British authors, say that the query isn't really that important... what's more important is that your pages are in order and good. Less emphasis on the query. I'm taking their word for it... but you can check it out.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

louisebrooks — Fri, 11 May 2012 09:34:40 -0500

Ok I've had another shot at it. You are, of course, right about the commas being the same in both British English and American English. Maybe it's just my sense of humour but I can't seem to stop making it campy fun. It's also got really short. Just so it's clear- G.C.S.E.s are exams you take when you're 16. Thank you so much! Dear [agent], Constance is being haunted by the ghost of her best friend, Serena, who committed suicide. Serena thinks they can just pick up where they left off but she won’t even talk about why she died (it couldn’t be because of her G.C.S.E results, right? They weren’t even that bad!). Unfortunately, Serena is not the only one who has come back from the dead. Whilst hiding from bullies in the dark woods, Constance discovers the monster; the blade-wielding Jack of Hearts. Then, one by one, the villagers begin to disappear leaving silent, stinking zombies behind. When Constance finds her elderly neighbour with blood dripping down her chin and clutching the half-eaten body of her pet cat, Constance knows she has to fight the Jack before she is the only person left. But then she finds a detailed sketch of the monster in Serena’s old bedroom and she has to confront the possibility that Serena is after some paranormal revenge. WHEN THE SHADOWS FALL is a 60,000 word YA supernatural novel.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 12 May 2012 12:12:43 -0500

Much better! A lot punchier and the query picked up a voice and tone. Also better centralized conflict. I also like the detail you put in. There is a good hint of who Constance is and a bit of her story arc, you might want to consider making that stronger, which might get you the sell. If you want to feel creamed, you might want to revise and then put it on absolute Write. Just caveat that it's for a British market. You might get some leniency that way. =P You did better than I expected.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

louisebrooks — Sun, 13 May 2012 06:08:40 -0500

Thank you so much for all your help!

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 17 May 2012 17:31:34 -0500

Looks like you confused a synopsis and a query. Given that, you should probably read: < a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forum_comments/896993">A Quick Guide to Query letters It will give you existing queries to look at a no-nos you can sift through. Once you do that, revise then I'll tackle your query.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ZackKaufen — Sun, 20 May 2012 09:20:27 -0500

I have of course read everything in this thread and query shark, but obviously not well enough. I will re-read everything again and have another shot.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ZackKaufen — Tue, 22 May 2012 13:43:56 -0500

[Any help at all as to where I'm going wrong would be really really appreciated) Dear Agent, Parabol Forschmensh: the most highly skilled and intensely loyal soldier this side of the galactic spiral. That is, until he is unfairly booted from the military. Yearning for the thrilling life of a soldier again, Parabol eagerly accepts a private job offer from galactic entrepreneur Winston Horlinster, in the hopes that he can seek his fortune as a mercenary. In his new role Parabol must broaden his horizons, and travel far away from his home planet to worlds definitively alien to him. His tasks are varied and dangerous; but knowing he is keeping the galaxy safe (not to mention seeing the pride in Winston's eyes upon his victories) is enough for him to risk his life. However, Parabol starts to become suspicious about his prestigious employer's motives when he comes across a group who are also contracted by Winston, but for far less legitimate jobs. Parabol realises that secrets are being kept from him, as his missions become more questionable, and his allies more suspect. With galactic enforcement agencies in pursuit, entire populations wiped out, and a group of criminals who you'd be crazy to trust in tow, Parabol must decide between following orders and doing the right thing before the galaxy is left scarred forever. SPACE CARNIVAL is a 100,000 word science-fiction novel. It is my first novel. Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.  Sincerely,

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:44:09 -0500

[quote=Lisa Taylor] Hi everyone! I was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my query letter. Thanks in advance, and I promise to look around the forum and pay it forward! :) Dear Agent, When a powerful crystal necklace jumps from Rachael’s dreams into real life, echoed by a desperate plea, her world is turned upside down. Add in a book with no writing, a vanishing thief and a faery named Ki, and Rachael soon doubts her sanity. Of course the townspeople have always doubted. Being a prodigy in an oppressive society is tough, but it’s nothing compared to the strange powers that are thrust upon Rachael when she puts on the necklace. Soon driven from her town, Rachael’s time is spent just trying to survive. Yet she can’t ignore the questions that arise. There are similarities between her crystal and Satu Fae; the illegal fairy tale book she has kept hidden for years. And who is the strange man living in an ancient ruin, secretly drawing townspeople into the woods? As an exile, Rachael has no way to warn the people of the darkness growing in the forest. As faithful followers of Shendi, God of Order, they don’t believe in magic. They can’t see the thousands of spirits trapped in nothingness. But if Rachael and her friends can’t stop impending disaster, the townspeople may witness the spirits’ desire to live once more; no matter the cost. Crystallized, a fantasy for young adults is complete at 85,000 words and has been professionally edited. I can be contacted at authorlmtaylor@zoho.com Thank you for your time and consideration, Sincerely, Lisa M. Taylor [/quote] A Quick Guide to Query letters Read the common mistakes list: You hit on the rhetorical question, all too mysterious, listy list, and missed the formatting for a query letter, missing specifics. And no agent cares if it's been professionally edited or not. It's supposed to be polished regardless. And if you haven't done it, read Query Shark. You probably should ask the mods to remove your e-mail address for you (they have editing powers) to block spam-collecting robots.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

Kimberly Dawn — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:37:55 -0500

Much better and much tighter. - comma after "In his new role" It's an aside, so it gets a comma. - Why must Parabol broaden his horzens--don't use "mmust broaden his horizens) without being specific. - Conflict isn't a real conflict in the second paragraph--vague. I think you can cut the whole thing. - Parabol becomes suspicious of his employer when--cut down on the excess wording. - Be specific on one type of job. - Be specific on how his jobs change. - Last paragraph is too vague and doesn't name the stakes. Formatting: A Quick Guide to Query letters That's one of the first posts. Read the three questions. In summary, you have the hook, but no bait and you are hoping that someone will bite--but there is nothing there to draw them in. Examples of specific detailed, without description (read the one above you which had the same issues). When Galaxor went on a mission to get Prozac for his alien mama, he didn't expect that Halatax would be there with an army of Octopi war ships to meet him. The General took over the Prozac market. Two conflicts, specific, but it begs the question, what happens next? Be specific to the time of change. You want the questions: "What happens next?" (War ships--there is clearly trouble--how does the hero get out of it) Also so we care about the well being of the characters. (My short example brings a mother in as the pivot of the conflict. It's clear--if he doesn't get it back, she probably will have depression, obsessive compulsive or a panic attack.) Get specific.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ZackKaufen — Tue, 22 May 2012 16:03:40 -0500

Got it. The help is really appreciated. I will make edits and post again.

Re: Query Letter Critiques: Post your letter here

ZackKaufen — Wed, 23 May 2012 07:28:42 -0500

Dear Agent, Parabol Forschmensh: the most highly skilled and intensely loyal soldier this side of the galactic spiral. That is, until he is unfairly booted from the military. Yearning for the thrilling life of a soldier again, Parabol eagerly accepts a private job offer from galactic entrepreneur Winston Horlinster, in the hopes that he can seek his fortune as a mercenary. In his new role, Parabol travels far away from his home planet to complete dangerous missions on worlds definitively alien to him. However, Parabol becomes suspicious of his prestigious employer's motives when he comes across a group who are also contracted by Winston, but for far less legitimate jobs. Parabol realises that secrets are being kept from him, as his missions become more questionable and his allies more suspect. Following a violent confrontation against his former employer, Parabol forgoes following orders for doing the right thing. Winston's dangerous plans for galactic domination come into focus, and Parabol must take what few allies he has left and bring the fight to him, before the galaxy is left scarred forever. SPACE CARNIVAL is a 100,000 word science-fiction novel. It is my first novel. Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.  Sincerely,