200-word Critique for Everyone

Jahn quickly swallows the last bite of his small sandwich. “That was good...” he says with a grunt. “Too bad it’s the first and last one ‘til tomorrow.”
“Here, take the rest of mine.” I abruptly thrust my hand to him.
He stares at my food for some long seconds. “Luce, I can’t...”
“Take it! You need it more.”
Another pause, then he grabs and shoves it in his mouth, nodding once, and we both turn toward Hightown, clearly visible even at this distance, 700 or so stories above the rest of the horizon.
I strap on my pack and avoid Jahn’s eyes. “I’ll find more than enough in the District tower...more than I care to...” I mumble.
Suddenly he grabs my elbow, turning me, and he’s shaking his head, “You’ll never make it out of there, man.”
I just start nodding, and feel my face pinch up, “She’s in there...with Heiss, I’m sure...in his...outfits” I spit out bitterly.
“Luce, Sara may be in there, lookin’ high, but she’ll never be with him, and you know that”, but he lets go of my arm, looking lost.
“It’s OK man. Hey we’ll see you soon...it’s only 15 seconds to terminal velocity after we jump out of there!” I’m grinning wide now, “Heiss could never stomach it.”

When he heard the whistle, the Golden Retriever immediately turned and ran to his master. Katherine knew her foster parents expected her to respond to the whistle as well, but refused to do so. She was a child, not a dog. The girl remained where she was pretending to examine the white Frisbee she was holding. Katherine, only ten years old, wore pink shorts and a white pull over shirt. She had been wearing flip-flops, but removed them when she began playing with the dog.
The man called, "Kathy!"
Katherine ignored this call, also. Her name was Katherine, and she did not like her foster family trying to shorten her name. She had told them this several times nearly every day since coming to live with them over a year ago. She turned the Frisbee over to examine the underside. The girl who had loaned her the disk had written her name with a green marker, 'Jodi A'.
Her foster mother called out rather sharply, "Katherine Josephine, come here right now."
Katherine responded by turning and jogging toward her foster family. She was about halfway across the park when something strange happened.
The park disappeared. So did all the people.

Hi Ruperts5
What I read here kept my interest and made me want to read more, so I consider that a good sign. The dialogue is understandable and easy to follow with feelings that can be felt by the reader. Science fiction is a good genre because we can allow our imagination to go beyond what we consider possible in an earthly world. I like the feeling and the good continuity of what I read.

Memory Number One

"Mommy!"
The screech sets my throat on fire, but I don't care. My mother. My own mother. She's all I have left. They can't take her. I won't let her do this. No. No.
"No." It's as if my mother is reading my thoughts. "We've talked about this, Evol." Her voice is perfectly calm, at ease, almost reassuring. "In fact, I think it's time. They'll be here any minute now."
"Mommy!" The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen. "What if you're not useful?" I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. "What if they...they..." I can't finish the sentence. I can't think it. I can't say it. No matter how much I believe it's what will happen. The deepest, darkest imaginings in the pitts of my black life will be here, arriving at the doorstep in just minutes.
"Oh, don't worry. There'll be nothing to see. If they don't like my level of intelligence, they'll shun me away. They can't afford another death, Evol. The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left. They need me." All meaningless sentences, which we force ourselves to believe.
"Then why can't I be out of hiding? Don't they want to know what I have to offer?"
"Not until you're eighteen. Right now you still have a chance of growing, learning, existing." My mother, with her young age, bright green eyes, and even her prematurely graying blonde hair, will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living.
Gone.
"No, Mommy! I won't let them take you! Please, please no! Hide with me! Don't risk it. Don't do it." But my pleading is in vain. If they come here, they come knowing the house is not abandoned. That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death. If you run, they'll make it worse. If you attempt to conceal yourself, they'll announce the amount of blood there was on you when you died to your family. But if...if you come willingly, they'll go easy on you. Make it quick. They'll keep it quiet. Your family can then pretend that you were smart enough, that they took you to go live another life a ways away. I shudder involuntarily, remembering when I was seven and my mother had explained this to me, with my father's face buried in his hands, as we huddled around the fireplace. How dead her expression got, how she started to cry, rocking me in her arms. I had been frozen with indeciscion. When your leaders did not know which way to turn, you didn't either.
So pretending is what we turn to. Let's just say they got away, believe it...
But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets. But my mother?
No. They can't do this to her. We've been out here, living like animals in the woods for so long. And now they've found us. All vulnerable and open from every angle in our small clearing. And they discovered Mommy.
Old enough to take the test.

PREPARE TO BE SAD AND I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE :(((

"...before a fist smashed into her face."
^ This is drawing focus away from the main character and seems to remove me from her perspective. Also it's clear that it's his fist, so it would be better, i.m.o., to use 'his' instead of 'a' if you insist on keeping this phrase.
(wait, further looks show that it's not his fist after-all. This is really confusing. Find a way to convey this more easily. Confusion is not really what you want right off the bat.)

"She grunted and fell back against the chain link keeping her in, shaking her head."
^ implies that shaking her head, and grunting, and falling against a fence, are all related to one another. They are not.

"...her jaw ached from biting down hard on the mouth guard."
^ You've got a lot of action in this first paragraph, and I'm assuming that the sudden violence is your hook. Using violence like this isn't the most effective way of drawing people in, however, because it has come to be expected. Plus, in my humble opinion, it isn't the violence itself that people like, it's the stakes and connections between the fighters, where every blow, and every block, and every drop of blood spilled, raises the tension to the point where you're not even sure if the character you have come to love and respect, over the journeys you have been brought along on and the time that you have devoted to understanding their inner workings, will even make it out alive. That's how you draw people in with violence. It's not just watching people get hurt. That's what YouTube is for.

"Still, she..."
^ informal. Messy. Seems like how someone would describe it in speech rather than literature, which would be fine but the tone is not consistent with the rest of the piece.

"Joy was inside a cage, fighting another girl..."
^ Why did you wait until the second paragraph to establish this?

"...or what the fuck ever..."
^ absolutely unnecessary. You just lost a significant portion of your demographic right there, and I don't actually see what kind of purpose that the word fuck serves that would make up for this.

"...basketball shorts and a red tank top, her long hair falling out of its ponytail."
^ I'm not sure that 'falling out of' is really an accurate way of describing this. Also, her clothing and hairstyle can definitely be related through a sentence like this but in this case there are two distincts points you're trying to get across (she's wearing a 'relatively' conservative outfit for what she's doing, and she has done up her hair to keep it out of her eyes while still being proud of its length), which aren't really digestible when stuck together like this.

"...the chances of that were exactly zero."
^ zero.... chickens? zero boxes of kleenex? zero fractions? zero zeroes?
You probably are going for zero percent, or alternatively something along the lines of 0/10.
You could get away with saying 'nil' instead, though it's a personal preference and I'm not sure if that's any more accurate.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I believe that's it.
I am really, really, really, really harsh. Oops.
I apologize profusely. I didn't really focus on any of the good stuff.
There was definitely good stuff.

GOOD STUFF
The premise of the fights is interesting. You should most definitely start out with a description of the cage match because that is legitimately interesting and I wish that you talked more about this than the other stuff.
You'll notice I glimpsed little bits of characterization out of your general sentences. The characterization is there, you just have to bring it out, and I am confident that you should be able to do so because you seem to have a clear personality for your character in your mind. Just expand on that. Not all at once though; that's a recipe for disaster. Get a nice even ratio of characterization to punching women in the face. Right now your ratio is leaning heavily towards the women-punching so you have room for some exposition.
What is a rotgut? Wait, that's not really a good stuff thing. Eh.
The name "Joy" is a very nice touch, especially with the contrast of her line of work/hobby, or whatever this is. Joy brings pain to others. Stratford is cool too, sort of going with the theme that this is all a big show for the benefit of the audience, but I'm not sure whether you're aware of the connection to the Elizabethan theatre town or not. I will assume you are.

Alright, I'm done. :)

1. Critique?

I can see the attempt at humor, tongue in cheek type thing... but it falls short. It reads as childish and not the good way that the narrator is 12.

To be honest, the second and third sentence would have had me putting the book down without reading any farther. As a reader, I like reading slowly and I like to take things in, but I do not like when I have to go "Wait, what?"

I can see where it could be interesting, but with this I would pass it up. =(

2. Genre and age group? YA I'm hoping with humor?

3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =(

4. Grade? (Letter System) C

1. Critique? Way too wordy. Now that NaNo is over, you don't need two sentences to say that you have twelve 17-year-old contestants. Ditto with the age of the host and the name of the show.

2. Genre and age group: Teen comedy?

3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither, sorry. Still needs more work.

4. Grade? I think it's a solid B+.

I think I'm qualififed to critique thsi one as it seems to be for a YA audience and I am a YA.

1. It's quite confusing to be honest. You keep repeating things in a rather odd way that isn't very appealing. I like the way you refer to your character simply as 'The Host', but as he is a twelve year old mastermind he would NOT have such a long and weird name for the show. That is the sort of name a unintelligent eight year old would come up with, not a twelve year old who is clever enough to be running his own show. Also, I'm not sure how 'The Host' would get the money for a multi-million dollar corporation unless he is a very spoilt child, in which case he would be more likely to have tantrums than use his brains, blackmails his rich parents, in which case he would be more evil, or is a criminal. If he was a criminal he would definitely be more evil.

In short, the idea seems alright but it needs a total rewrite.

2. YA I presume, but I can't work out what genre it is. It's not funny, scary, action packed or, well, anything really.

3. Neither

4. Probably a C

I agree with most of the above comments. The idea I found slightly intriguing, but the prose made me say "no thanks." I also haven't read Hunger Games (nor do I mean to) but the concept on the surface seems similar, only it's a modern reality show and not dystopian future. The prose is also awfully thick for YA. Books for younger audiences should have simpler, clearer language, not the opposite.

I feel like this repeats itself needlessly. It's confusing and incoherent. It's unnecessary to say that The Host likes 17-year-olds three times. You don't do this age thing once - you do it twice. I felt myself reading it and shouting "Out with it!" at my computer screen.

It feels like a conversational style, but I'm noticing the problem of telling, versus showing. While this may be the intent of your novel, it doesn't read very well at all.

This has got to be completely rewritten so that it's much more coherent. In terms of comedy, this has a promising start, and I'm not willing to write it off or see it written off because it could very well get funnier and more coherent as the fiction goes on.

Grade? C- (70/100)
Buy it or turn the page: Neither.
Genre: YA, Comedy

1. Critique?
-I really like the first sentance. It's nicely informative and sets the scene incredibly well just in that small opening, while also making me wonder exactly who this 'Host' person is. But after that, I've got to agree with other critiquers, that the next two sentances are a bit 'WTF?'. You only need one or the other. The second sentance specifying "between the ages of 16 and 18" would work if you are trying to show the Host to be a little bizarre in his thinking. However, if this isn't the edge you want to go for, it would be best to just leave it at "twelve contestants, all of whom were seventeen" or something similar.
-I also like the last part of that paragraph "...but we don't like those people." However, I think, in order for it to have the impact is deserves (because it's an exellent little piece of humorous childishness that really drills it in that the Host is twelve), I think you need to make that sentence a little shorter. I got distracted by the description and name of the show, and when that nice little line came along, it confused me. I had to go back and reread the beginning of that sentence to remind myself what was being talked about.

2. Genre and age group?
-I've never been very good with these things. I did immediately think of 'The Hunger Games' and 'Artemis Fowl' as I was reading it, so I suppose it's for Teens/Young Adults?

3. Buy it or turn the page?
-I'd probably turn the page, but I doubt I'd buy it.

4. Grade?
64/100

unlike the others who have critiqued so far I actually quite liked the whole age thing, but mostly because it reminded me of another writer- Robert Rankin. It seems like the sort of thing that he would write, though it felt a little bit clunky.

I liked that it did sound so childish and odd, though the working title for the show... I think if it didn't have the double use of 'Explosions' it would have sounded a little better in my head.

I do feel very much like this is rather like a Robert Rankin thing, and so I probably would keep reading it, also because it sounds a little like Battle Royale at the same time.

Work needs to be done to help it to sound a little smoother; it's just a bit clunky as I'm reading, but maybe you want it to sound that way for the age of the boy.

So... yes, I'd turn the page
Grade... uh... C at the moment, possibly a B if smoother... I don't know. Can't grade snippets!

In my opinion, very good use of grammar, though I'm not a grammar geek. It reads well, nice and descriptive.

Is this a mystery? It has the initial makings of one.

I would turn the page and probably want to read a bit more before determining if I actually bought.

I give this a B+.

1. Critique?

I'd suggest some different wording for "God-Knows-Where" unless there is some meaning behind it that's not apparent with this little snipit.

Also, I'd move her communications job paragraph, because what makes me want to change the page is to know how this army woman has been caught/captured/held hostage. This is more than likely just a personal thing and people may disagree, but I want to be tied in a little more with the idea she may be a kick butt soldier before finding out she's introverted and works on the phone lines.

Anyways, all in all, I like it.

2. Genre and age group? I'm going to throw a wild guess and say it is something in the past (I don't know communication, do they still plug and unplug connections these days?) So maybe action/mystery?

3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page

4. Grade? (Letter System) B

1. Critique?

The first two sentences got my attention.

For me some of the wording is awkward. For example, I had to read this sentence - "She was nauseous, and she was sure that she would be sick along the way at the sight of the cloth that she knew would inevitably obscure her view." - three times before realizing you were saying the cloth covering her head was nasty and she was going to be sick when she saw how bad it was. That slowed me down.

You use the phrase "God-knows-where" three times in the first two hundred words. That's a lot, regardless of whether the phrase is significant.

2. Genre and age group? I'm guessing action or mystery for adults.

3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page.

4. Grade? (Letter System) B

I like this. Particularly the first paragraph. For the second and third I would've prefered for all that information to be weaved into the story, it doesn't have to be there from the beginning in my opinion. Or you could've interrupted that paragraph of info with another glimpse of her surroundings.
For the second godknowswhere, I would've cut the "she was on her way" and just said straight "at some wretched, occupied place god knows where." That of course, would mean some changing of the sentence grammar (no "having done so and so") but I think it would make it flow a little better.
I really think the repetition of god knows where is something you should keep, its the repetition of "on her way" meaning the same as "destined for" that takes away it's power. Your last sentence could be: now it was just god knows where.
Well, that is just my opinion. Maybe god knows where is a particular place, or perhaps god did know where... I'm not a native english speaker so maybe it sounds different to me.

I would definately turn the page, likely buy it. It sounds like my kind of book. Historical. Makes me think of occupied wwII europe.
It needs a little polishing but so do all of our stories, don't they? Just place the god knows where in a position in the paragraphs or sentence where it shines the most, and it will be powerful.

1. Critique: I think describing her career seems awkward here. It needs more of a transition. Maybe talk about seeing other army people on the train and connecting to them. Then talk about her being in WAC.

I enjoyed this sentence: "She worked in communications, linking one telephone line to another, plugging in and pulling out the right connections." I bet you could write more about that. I mean, if Helen plugged in the wrong lines, I'd bet a lot of mayhem would ensue. However, the sentence after doesn't really flow well. Make a better connection. Maybe say "...right connects. Her work focused on bringing the right people together, and yet, Helen kept to herself."

I agree with the rest, there is a lot of "God-knows-where."

2: Genre and Age Group: I'm going historical fiction with a hint of romance. I don't feel like Helen's in danger, just sort of angry at herself for going on the wrong train. Also, I don't think they still do communications like that (PS: My Gigi was one of those in her youth :) )

3: Turn the page?: I would! But I'm a sucker for historical fiction with female leads.

4: Grade (letter): A-

1. Critique?

I like it and don't really have anything bad to say about it. It's clear and concise.

2. Genre and age group? No clue =(

3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes, I would

4. Grade? (Letter System) B

1. I like it. The idea is good and the first page is certainly intriguing. However, I wouldn't say 'Sunny refused to hear it' followed by 'She tried to ignore it, but couldn't.' That almost seems contradictory. Also, the people you I've seen undergoing chemotherapy (unfortunately I've already seen quite a few) don't have their hair growing in 'tufts'. At first their hair thins, then it starts to fall out from the back. That's the point where the boys wear caps and girls grow their hair over it to hide tha bald patch. Then it falls out from the top and they become bald. There are never really 'tufts', just thinner patches of hair.

2. I'm not entirely sure about genre. It could trun out to be almost anything. The age group is probably, I would guess, adults, but I'm a YA and I would read it as well.

3. Not sure. I would definitely turn the page but I don't know if I would buy it.

4. Probably a high B or low A.

1. Critique

It's written well, except for a couple of things. "Sunny refused to hear it though" needs a comma between it and though, but you probably still have editing to do so that doesn't really matter, or have anything to do with the plot. As the others said, the "tried to ignore it/couldn't avoid" part is awkward. Also, this strikes me as weird: "Please. Miss?" Shouldn't it be "Please - Miss?" or "Please, Miss?"
Apologies if I'm just making a fool of myself. The actual writing is very well done, better than most I've seen on this site, and it compels someone to read on.

2. Genre and age group? Suspense or perhaps mystery. Hard to say.

3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes.

4. Grade? (Letter System) How many pluses can I put? B++ or, if I can't do that, then A--, or if I can't do that, A- will have to do.

I like it a lot, although for some reason I get a sense that something bad is about to happy to the nurse. Never trust a creepy child who wants you to come into the room! I don't have any real crit though and would probably turn a few more pages to see if it's my kind of story.

1. Critique: I just don't like the name "Sunny." Sorry!

2. Genre: I feel like it has potential to either be a YA or horror/suspence.

3. Buy or turn the page: I'd turn the page. Then maybe buy if I liked it more.

4. Grade (Letter System): B+

I liked it and would definitely turn the page to read more, if it continued to be this well written, I would buy it. My only problem was "Sunny refused to hear it though". She did hear it, but she was pretending that she didn't. So maybe "Sunny refused to acknowledge..."

1. Critique?
-Very nice opening, I liked it a lot. The opening of the second paragraph straight after such an apparently innocent question immediately makes the tension rise, and makes me already wanting to learn more.
-At first, I found myself wondering if she was in an orphanage or a boarding school or some such, and the moment I learned it was a hospital, I felt the beginnings of nervous anticipation (though that may just be a personal reaction). If this is some sort of thriller, or of a slightly darker gerne, this definately works.
-The description of the girl at the end, after all that's been said and done before, immediately brings in the wondering of whether this girl is as ominous as she seems, or just an unfortunate little girl with cancer or somesuch. If this is what you're going for, it definately works, but if you only want one or the other, then you might want to shuffle stuff about.

2. Genre and age group?
-Definately looking to be an older age groupe, Older Teen/Young Adult, I'd guess.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Definately turn the page, but I probably wouldn't buy it. (Just a personal preferance. Thrillers, particularly ones with any hospital/doctor/medical themes creep me the hell out, so I try to avoid them.)

4. Grade?
9/10

1. I can tell from this excerpt that you're a really creative author, because you've come up with so many settings that sound really cool and interesting.

However, to be really honest, right now this excerpt seems to be one despair after another, and it doesn't make me feel for the character. The first 200 words should be what really catch the reader's attention, but this kind of wallowy description didn't do it for me. The first impression I get of the character is that she feels sorry for herself, which doesn't make me like her or empathize with her. Instead, I find it hard not to judge her. I'm trying to find a nicer way to put this, but she feels whiney.

Now, if you want to make her whiney, that's GREAT, and a fantastic character flaw, and if you wrote these descriptions with that implication instead of trying to genuinely make us feel badly for her, I think it'd be much more interesting and kind of hilarious. As it stands now, though, I find her boring.

Suddenly in the second paragraph, though, we get what feels like a dramatic shift in tone with words like "moaning and growning," "rapidly," and "stinging." That makes me think that something far more exciting is going on than the bus arriving. If you were trying to get that exciting tone, I think you should just have something genuinely exciting happen! The way it's currently written is confusing, though, because you're being overly descriptive. Some of the sentences, especially the final one, are difficult to understand as written and I had to read them several times.

So, in general, if I were you I'd do this: either make the character less self-pitying or acknowledge somehow (implicitly) that she's whiney. Use less description and more action, at least at this early stage in the novel. Once we're more immersed in your setting and characters, these kinds of long descriptions will engage us more, because we're invested in the novel. In the first 200 words, though, your job is just to get our attention and start that investment process!

2. Sci-Fi, YA

3. As it stands, I would neither buy this nor continue reading. But I bet you can change that!

4. Right now, I'd have to give this a C. I really like the creativity that I can see in this setting, but I want to see more of that and less lengthy description.

OH DAMMIT, I thought I'd hit "reply" to her post and not the bottom! SO SORRY about this. That was for @Lori Ramsey

1. Critique?
Generally, I don't like things that begin with dialogue, especially unattributed dialogue, but that's a personal preference thing. However, the short exchange between the two characters is engaging, it gives the reader information and that information is intriguing. Naheli feels young to me, much younger than twenty-one. Perhaps fifteen. She may be intended to be that young, in which case, well done. If not, it's the air of sullenness around the last two paragraphs that gave me the impression. And perhaps, also the 'school' like atmosphere of the scene.

There's a few sentences that feel a bit awkward. The last sentence of the fourth paragraph in particular felt like a break in the rhythm for me.

I generally don't like thoughts being noted as such in narrative, when a quick rewarding can remove the necessity for a tag. I feel it gives the reader too little credit. However, the note that she's shielding her mind makes this particular usage work. That said, the shift to first person even for her 'thoughts' felt unnatural to me.

Alright. So, that sounds like a heap of negativity, doesn't it? Here's the thing. I really like this excerpt. I tend to only pick at and try to improve things I enjoy. It's interesting, it introduces the premise so quickly the reader is never left floundering or wondering why they should be interested. Your dialogue works, it feels formal but that formality suits the setting. And the two characters seem to have different 'voices' which is excellent.

2. Genre and age group?
Would have to read more for an age group. The sense of youth I got from the apparent protagonist would make me think YA. Certainly feels like fantasy.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
I'd turn the page, certainly.

4. Grade? (Letter System)
B

1. I liked it overall! My only issue is with the final paragraph. You say "all this disgusting glass and white," but the only white thing you've described so far was the fish. Saying "all this glass and white" made me think there should be more white described, but maybe that's just me being picky. :)

2. YA fantasy?

3. Turn the page!

4. B+

1. This is great! It's intriguing and doesn't give too much away, which is important at the beginning of a story. I'm not sure how she can look down through the glass floor below to see the ocean - is she in a boat? I would expect there to be more rocking if she was. Overall though, I like it.

2. Possibly a fantasy, I'm not entirely certain. The age group could be adult or YA.

3. Definitely turn the page, possibly buy it.

4. High B or low A

1. Critique?
Excellent. The dialogue in the beginning was a great hook, and the setting was immediately set up. Now we already expect that the world is different, and we want to know: what's so different about that world? I am engaged with the world you made. Not so much with the character yet, but that's alright. This is an excellent beginning.

Now for some minor line editing suggestions.

--Naheli let herself fall on her chair which scraped across the glass floor with a screeching sound
"Let herself fall" suggests she's tired, uninterested, unwilling. Also, she's in front of Mistress Rhima, who I already have the impression of is a strict teacher, and is possibly evil. She wouldn't do that, at least not openly. If she's really unwilling inside, but she's a Sacrifice, then she's pretending to be willing. Maybe Naheli would rather sit quietly.
The entire paragraph doesn't contribute much except describe where Naheli is. I think you can shorten this and cut out the fat, unless all of the description here foreshadows something important that couldn't be included in this snippet.

2. Genre and age group?
YA.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Turn the page.

4. Grade? A

1. Critique? I like it. That's not specific, but I also don't just say that a lot. The only suggestion I have has been said (about the glass and white).

2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, probably YA

3. Buy it or turn the page? yes

4. Grade? (Letter System) B+ or A

1. Critique? The girl recitng the rules of the sacrifice, I think, will end up BEING the sacrifice. What a great way to start a story! Set out your guidelines right away.

2. Genre and age group? Fantasy. Not sure of age group.

3. Buy it or turn the page? Not sure. I might turn the page. I don't usually read magic stuff, but your snippet was interesting enough for me to stop scrolling and read the whole thing.

4. Grade? An A. Well done!

1. I'm kinda torn on this one. On the one hand, I'm intrigued and want to know about this little world you've created. What are Catchers? What does it mean to be Caught? I'm getting a bit of a supernatural vibe from it which is pretty cool. I could see this being the start of a cool creepypasta, something to read in the middle of the night when it's pitch black in the room (save for the glow of your computer screen, of course) and you're afraid to turn around because you know there's a Catcher right behind you, creeping up silently, its jaws opening... and I should stop. So I like that.

On the other hand, it didn't really draw me in as much as it could have. Maybe it's because I can't really identify with the narrator yet. It jumps around in time a lot for the first page and that's a little jarring -- you talk about his (or her, it's unclear) childhood before they had an experience with Catchers, the time when they were 12 that they had the experience, and you make it clear that the narrator is telling you this story eight years after the experience when they were 12. So that's three different time periods to keep track of, all in 200 words. You also jump around a lot in general and throw out a lot of information -- you mention the name of a city, town, and state all in one sentence, you briefly describe some features of Catchers but then almost immediately move on, you talk about your mentality as a child compared to your mentality as an adult, and you introduce your best friend. It all just seems like a lot to pack in one page.

So I'm torn. It's not bad by any means, but I wouldn't say it's great. Maybe average. Sorry.

2. Genre? Sounds like YA supernatural fiction. I throw the YA in there only because the narrator is talking about when they are 12.

3. I wouldn't buy it based on this page alone. I'd turn the page to see where it goes, but I'd put it down if it didn't hook me within the next couple pages.

4. I have no idea how I would grade this, so I'll leave the rest of my critique to stand on its own.

1. Critique:
The elements are interesting. I'd like to know more about the Catchers, and what happened in Huntsville, and who gives lectures about Catchers and defense against them.

Perhaps more description about winter in Rosebud. "Dead of winter" is temporal, and gives me an approximate date. What about the weather? Was it cold, windy, warm? People act, and interact, differently in cold weather (bundled up, leaning into the wind) than in warm weather. Winter in many parts of southern states involve ice and snow. Details will help me picture that Thursday afternoon in my mind.

The presentation is one of telling, rather than showing. The POV character is telling me about their knowledge and experience, but I prefer it when a POV involves me (the reader) experiencing the events with them. The excerpt reads like a diary, but that may be your intention. I am confused about two of the points to recognize a Catcher. How can cold skin and the racing heartbeat be seen? Unless the character has some sort of supra-human power, a person would have to touch, and be in very close contact with a Catcher to notice their skin temperature and heart rate.

2. Genre and age group?
I'm not sure. A seemingly adult narrator describing something that happened when they were younger could be YA, or not.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Sorry, but no. I am intrigued by the Catchers, but I don't feel involved with the narrator.

1. I needed to read the final sentence twice to actually understand it properly. I'm not sure why, but it does seem a little confusing. Perhaps you could reword it slightly to make it easier to understand? Other than that I really like it.

2. Fantasy, possibly horror as well later on in the book. At the moment it seems YA but that could be just because the protagonist is currently 12.

3. Turn the page, possibly buy it.

4. High B

Wow, thanks everyone! This was really helpful. You all brought up some points that I obviously hadn't considered much. I'm definitely more excited about editing now that I have some specific things to work on :)

I liked it. I am dying to know what a Catcher is!

1. Critique?
-The first paragraph is an excellent hook. I really like the way you've brought in the Catchers, and made them feel so ominous by comparing them to other mythical beings. I also rather like the sentence structure. It's a personal opinion, and I know some people wouldn't, but I find the slightly informal style makes it feel easy to read, and almost like reading a diary.
-After that, though, I've got to say, things go downhill for me. "I never thought I had to worry about it" and "Then there was the day I wished I had." and also "I remember the day as well as if it had happened yesterday" all feel horribly cliched. Usually, I like a bit of cliche in stories (it is cliche for a reason, after all) but this seems TOO cliche. A very stereotypical opening.

2. Genre and age group?
-That's difficult to say. I guess Teen/Young Adult? Probably Adventure.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
-I might turn the page, just to see if it got less cliched...

4. Grade?
5/10

1. Critique?
Right of the bat, the first sentence is a little wordy, The way you said, "I've known...seemed" almost sounds like a verb tense disagreement. The second issue I saw was "...vampires. Just a creature to..." I think using a comma there might make a little more grammatical sense.

Overall I liked the idea of the story, and I'd be interested to learn more about the Catchers, but the wording really threw me off.

2. Genre and age group?
Maybe YA, science fic/supernatural sort of thing?

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Maybe turn the page, probably not buy. Sorry, I'm just not into that genre too much

4. Grade? (Letter System)

C, but I think with a few fixes it can be really decent!

1. I find this excerpt to be interesting, and I understand what you're trying to do by switching so quickly between different details and memories. While it does construct the perspective of someone who's going crazy, I feel that sometimes you go a little overboard with it. Because of all the sudden switching around (i.e. from saying that's she's arrived to indicating that she's lost someone or something to saying that she was incapable of breathing all in the span of two sentences), I found some portions difficult to understand and had to reread. It may be just me, because I do find myself having to do that occasionally in other novels, too, but I think you can take your time just a little more. Don't worry, we're not going anywhere!

Your best feature by far is your talent for witty, dry humor. Many authors would make this an opportunity to get overly verbose about her mental state and her thoughts, but you instead used it as an opportunity to find comedy in the nearly absurdly manic nature of this character. I really liked that.

I would just find a way to take the action a little slower. Alissa is an engaging enough character even without all the bells and whistles of so many different hallucinations. Removing a couple of them would give me more of her quirky, funny view of the world. Definitely keep the sister turning into a ukulele, though. That's hilarious.

2. The tone is clearly Comedy, and I think the level of wit and the complexity of the humor makes it suitable for adults more than for young adults or children.

3. Turn the page, definitely! Buy, maybe.

4. A-

1. Love the first paragraph, the context and the concept definitely would have me page-turning. I was engaged with the description of her mindset. My mind was turning in circles on the concept of the ukulele hallucination... wait no, she's schizophrenic... or no, her quasi-sister really is a ukelele... no, it's a massive conspiracy... or drugs? Yep, I was intrigued at the idea and I felt it was believable since the MC was questioning her own sanity and in a state of despair. Interesting start.

I wouldn't be entirely sure what to expect from the story, though, but maybe 200 words isn't quite enough for that. I think whatever the ukulele-complex turns out to be would determine whether or not the story is for me. It seems to be a heavy focus and I don't know if it should be or not.

2. Genre and age group? Of course no idea, but if I were to guess - Fantasy, YA/Teen

3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page!

4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

1. I do like this. It's nicely funny, in that dry clever way. It reminds me a lot of Martin Millar (if you've read any of his stuff - if not, I'd recommend him). The style is a bit haphazard, but I think that just adds to the feeling that nothing is right and the world isn't as it seems. I like the theme of being in a new place and everything going crazy, possibly because of it. It's a genre that really appeals to me.

For any more, though, I'd have to read on. It's very hard to judge your pacing or voice from such a short extract.

2. Humor, YA, or Adult perhaps, maybe a bit of modern-day fantasy, depending on where the story goes. It's hard to tell from this.

3. I would definitely keep reading.

4. B+

1. I really liked it. Actually, I loved it. It reminded of a more modern "The Yellow Wallpaper." The beginning was a bit too conversational for my likes, especially since there was no conversation. I do, however, LOVE that it's in third person. Just love love love.

I hope we see more of her family though and it's just not a quick mention. I absolutely love familial ties and I feel like writings today focus more on romantic ties...

2. Dramodey. Perhaps a mix of "Girl, Interrupted" and "It's Kind of a Funny Story."

3. I'd probably buy it.

4. (Letter Grade) B+

Your excerpt intrigued me, although I tend not to be interested in comical aspects. From reading your response, I saw you didn't intend for it to be comical, but the blue ukulele was hard for me to take any other way. It did make me smile, so it could still be a good thing. I think that if the story turns more serious later on, you might still be able to keep this bit, but possibly start the story in a more serious way.

The conflicts I read from this are: Alissa having moved to a place where she doesn't want to be, possible fear of going crazy with consequences to follow, a possible conflict with her mother and step-sister.

I personally don't like the 'later, she would...' things as a starting point for stories, but that's personal, of course. You have a solid voice, and your style draws me in. What I miss is a clearer sense of the character that would make me feel sympathetic towards Alissa, but I realise it's early for that. Also, I'm very much a character-person.

Over all, I'd definitely turn the page on this one.

I would buy this. This hooked me right away.

1. I, too, am picking up a lot on the humor of this excerpt. The ukulele image is funny, but the last two sentences are funnier still. If you are intending a more "serious" examination of mental imbalance, the tone may be off. For my taste, though, I love the humor in it, and would hope you could carry it through, as it does draw me in. I also am someone who appreciates humor even in the serious. If you can pull it off, I like it a lot.

For me, these paragraphs create mood more than character. They do intrigue me.

The first sentence of your second paragraph is a bit rough. It makes me puzzle a bit to parse things, in a way which tends to pull me out of the story a bit. Also, it seems to shift tone a bit between these two paragraphs.

2. I can't really tell from the excerpt about genre. A more serious treatment of mental problems feels like literary fiction, but the tone is lighter. It doesn't feel like straight-up comedy, but it leans that way. With the mention of the sister, it could be YA, but I'm not sure yet.

3. Turn the page, read the back, maybe buy the book.

4. B -- Some real strengths in tone and unexpected imagery, but an unpolished sentence and a shift in tone between the two paragraphs detract a bit. Very much worth working on.

Oooohhh, I see. In that case, the name thing wouldn't bother me, and actually the fact that he has amnesia would make me even more interested! The space station would definitely hook me too.

Good luck with the editing :)

1. I like the set up! You're talkin my language, I like this sort of writing and the direction the story is going. I think you struck a great balance between kicking off with an exciting moment and setting the scene. Introducting both Kanigmen and Thamians felt a little heavy-handed to me, but it seems like good information. Maybe saying just one at first and mentioning the other a few paragraphs later would make the information easier to take in. I like the overwhelming sense of down-and-out told with a stark sense of humor in it, that really marks the character. I was imagining a pretty tough guy who really takes things in stride, like Pullo in Rome. Simple adding of 'gods' to the MC's statement is nicely telling about the world too. The whole intro moves along comfortably, and I'd be reading on quite a while before making up my mind, I'm sure.

2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, Adult

3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy It!

4. Grade? (Letter System) A

1. Ooh, I like!!! You've definitely set the feel/tone of the novel in very few words. I particularly like the third paragraph; it feels a little bit Neil-Gaiman-y, if you know what I mean. That sort of conversational tone even though the subject matter is strange. There is a lot of information here, but I don't feel overloaded, which is good. Your main character sounds nicely characterised, and I already want to know more about him; why he's there, what he's done, that sort of thing, so that's definitely a win in my book.

2. I'd say sci-fi, although it could easily be fantasy. Definitely adult.

3. I'd certainly turn the page and read some more, but I can't say that there's anything here that would stop me buying it.

4. A

1. Very snappy opening! I love the energy and speed with which you jump into the story. The characterization is quite strong, and really appealing. I did find the "chained to the wall," and "chained to a corner of the floor" a bit muddled. Also, I would end the second paragraph after "that little (albeit important) fact" and give some space/room to the idea that he's WANTING to assume his captors are Thamians.

2. Fantasy, Adult.

3. Would definitely turn the page. Maybe buy after that.

4. A- now, probably A+ after you edit.

1. Critique?
I like that you're starting the plot with Greek characters. It's interesting and I want to see what happens, what you've converted the world into. Best of all, there's already a movie out for this so I already have faces in my head as I think of them.

I had the feeling from the first paragraph it would be a love story. Then skipping right away to "Lord Achilles" on the second paragraph felt a little disorienting. I'm not sure why, but those two just aren't flowing well together. The first paragraph doesn't foreshadow the second one at all. I think it would do you good to remove, or just simply move, your first paragraph. Doing that makes it even better then, because that way we'll be starting with "Lord Achilles wasn't at all that I had imagined." (though "at all that I had imagined" sounds confusing. maybe rewrite that one).

This one has, as I have read someone say before, a lot of bones covered under a thick layer of fat. It's descriptive but too wordy. Nothing is happening here other than Achilles and Patroclus arriving. For example, first sentence second paragraph, you can completely delete "if I was completely honest with myself" and it wouldn't change meaning. Basically try to shorten this entire part out so we can get to the good stuff right away.

2. Genre and age group?
Fantasy? I don't really know, since these people didn't actually exist. Maybe YA is a safe choice.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Cant' say.

4. Grade?
B

1. Critique?
I realized that it was Durga who said "I'm sorry," but the way it's written, it could have been either Durga or the soldier. "The shards of his broken wine glass at his feet" definitely sounds like it was the soldier's feet, rather than Durga's. It's all in all confusing.

It's a good hook, though. The king's territory is under siege, his mother was captured. It's most likely a medieval Europe setting, but my first impression of it was more "barbarian." Think of the Orcs or Tauren in World of Warcraft. I think, to prevent that, you could include something alluding to the medieval setting you want to place the readers' minds in.

2. Genre and age group?
Historical. Possibly 17+

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Can't say

4. Grade?
B

1. Critique?
First the good:
* The marking bit and flaying to get rid of it make me curious.
* The initial ambiguity about what was going on and whether she was being tortured, killed, or helped was enough to pull me in right off.

The less good:
* Your phrasing is awkward in several places, and you over-use adverbs. You can wake not-quietly, but quietly is the norm; it doesn't need a call-out. You can't mumble except quietly.
* You've got a bit of swiftism going on. "she barked" "he tried to justify" "she mumbled"; there's one 'said' among 6 lines of dialog. The occasional "continued", "replied', or similar I can give a pass, but the rest of them are explained either by the line itself or by the context ("voice weak" tells me she was being quiet; I don't need the "mumbled quietly")
* Dude man likes to trail off a lot. I can see "They will not hurt you again...", but you don't need ellipses after "No, you have the choice to refuse." It makes me think "no choice to refuse what? why did he complete his thought?"
* The first paragraph needs something to tell me she's hurt before she gasps at the sheets. I get, after reading more, that she's injured and the sheets hurt pulling on her open flesh, but my first impression is that they were cold or felt good or something. Even just "gasped in pain" would do it.

Overall I think the core is there for a good page; a revision pass and you'll probably have it :)

2. Genre and age group?
Fantasy

3. Buy it or turn the page?
I'm picky about fantasy but I'd keep going if I liked the jacket blurb.

4. Grade?
B

1. Critique

"Refreshingly still breathing" sounds very weird and awkward to me. Also, after that, there's no period before "She turned", etc.
"You were marked, I removed it" sounds bad as well. I think that comma should be a period.
This could be part of the story - but why can she see after he dims the lights? Is she like an alien who can only see in the dark?
I think there should be a comma after "she tried to see his face", because it goes straight to the but. (Hehe)
I only partly agree with the other critique-person. The ellipses work, I think, when he says they won't hurt her again. It gives a bit of mystery. Maybe he killed them, and that's why they won't hurt her!
OK, I have to say something. Am I even supposed to critique grammar and punctuation on this? Because if not, I don't have much bad to say.

The good, which is more or less the whole thing besides a few little mistakes (yet unfortunately always seems to take less words to convey), is that it's instantly compelling.

2. Genre and age group? I'm thinking it could be a thriller of some sort. Perhaps Stieg Larsson-ish but with more fantasy?

3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes.

4. Grade? (Letter System) B.

1. Most people wake up breathing, so I'm guessing she thought she was dead? It's unclear and a bit awkward. And the man is sort of odd and all of the "..." aren't really needed.

2. I'd say if fantasy: Teens, if thriller: Adults.

3. I'd turn the page, but I didn't like the character yelling at the guy. I don't know why, but it just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the scene. Probably because everything else was so quiet.

4. B-

1. Critique? Wow. What a way to draw people into the character's situation and pain. I already feel sorry for this girl! "Refreshingly" seemed unnecessary in your sentence about still breathing. However, that's the only mechanical thing that stuck out to me.

2. Genre and age group? Horror is the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm probably wrong. Adults are your target audience, thought.

3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably turn the page.

4. Grade? B-

1. Critique?

You pulled me in with your first line. I was interested and it made me smile a bit. I didn't understand the second sentence and had no idea what the plan mentioned in the third sentence had to do with anything - I needed more information. Needless to say, while I like the pacing and tone of your sentences, you lost me with the second paragraph.

However, I loved the first sentence of your third paragraph. I mean, really loved it. The first lines of the first and third paragraph are so well crafted, exactly the right mix of action, scene and detail that is neither too light nor so weighed down with details that I can't comfortably read and retain. They also don't have that trite, overly-dramatic feel that is so common in Nano as we all desperately try to write something interesting. Some of your other sentences are too dramatic, however, but mostly lack perspective and continuity.

The other thing is, I would like it if your narrator didn't have so much "personality." "Ain't many a night so dark the shadows are actually ink-black; most times the best you get is a grey-brown of muddled shades." That sounds more like a character talking than a more neutral narrator. I want the narrator to just give it to me straight. A little personality is okay, but I want to rely on the characters, not the narrator, to provide the texture.

2. Genre and Age Group:
Historical, 17+

3. Buy it or turn the page
Not now. But know that If the whole thing read like the two key sentences, I'd be all over it.

4. Grade
C (Please note: the grade is harsh because I sense you really write well)

1. Critique?
There are some phrases that confuse me. "Like to be not dissimilar from the whore’s crotch in that, come to say it." I found it hard to understand what this is trying to say. I'd also assume that this MC has some experience with a Dockside whore before, immediately marking him in my head as maybe a player, or at least a possible bad boy. Just something to watch out for, just in case it wasn't what you intended (but if you intended that, then great job).

Also, I get that Desperate and Halflight are talking about something they both understand, but I'm completely out of the loop as to what it is. It made me go, wait what? Twice what? Twice written in the book? Once was in the sewer--he wrote Halflight's name in the sewer?--okay, but where's the second? And what does Deadman have to do with them?

Just a little nitpicking, the "aint" was used far too late. By the first and second paragraphs, the speaker's tone was already established, and it didn't seem like the type of tone to use "aint." The overall tone, the way of phrasing, is uniform. I see this is a writing device you're using to characterize the MC. But it's confusing for me and it's hard to follow. Maybe I'm not part of the target audience. If so, then this is the critique of someone outside the target audience. =]

2. Genre and age group?
It feels very noir to me. Possibly 17+

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Not buy.

4. Grade?
B

1. Critique?
I'm not sure what's going on here. The sentence structure is rough and you abused some commas but the primary problem is one of scope. So there's this - girl? boy? I get a sense of female but I don't know why; he or she is setting up some decorations for a festival, okay. Then a house explodes? Literally explodes, or is on fire? The cloud of smoke implies fire, rather than the hail of shattered wood and tile you'd get with an actual house-explosion. Exploded is fine, though; he or she doesn't know what's going on and a little hyperbole is often better than none. I'm with you up to there, but then it goes a bit off the rails.

If her (I'm just going to use 'her') first thought was to run, why didn't she? Her dad and..brother? sister? were in the house - explosion or no: fly, girl! fly! Instead she's looking for her other brother she knows to be safe? To help her what? She hasn't even assessed the wreckage yet to know if she needs help. And why wouldn't he help? The big WOULD implies that he'd resist and she'd force him, which seems really weird with a house explosion. The kind of brother that doesn't respond to a house on fire isn't the kind of brother hanging around putting up streamers in the town square. But okay, I'm meant to wonder why he's not helping and I do, so good on you. I still think she should be running while she looks.

Boom goes another house. Fine; things are happening fast now and the town is under attack or there's a gas main going up or something. She knows it's Natalie's house, which is fine; it must be a small town if there are houses ringing the square. But she hears Natalie scream? I imagine everyone in the square would be screaming: two houses just exploded. And she knows it's because her family was inside? Why is that even necessary? I'd scream if my house exploded whether anyone was inside or not. And if she can't keep track of her own brother, how does she know what Natalie's family is up to?

And then... I don't know. She's hanging out on the square, looking for Gabriel? Helping Natalie? I don't know. People running everywhere, shouting for people, looking for people - that all takes time that she could be spending running to her own house, or what's left of it. Bells, teams, and militia take time. Someone has to go open those church doors. What's going on while all of that is happening? We went from boom-boom-action to "and then things happened for a while".

2. Genre and age group?
Can't tell. I'm going to guess fantasy because 'winter feast' and 'militia', unless this is set in colonial America. Maybe YA? I get a sense of youth along with the sense of female but I have no reason for it.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Neither, honestly. I'm curious about the explosions and if it had carried on from paragraph 3 into Narrator doing something active I'd have turned over to page 2, but the drop out of the action into emergency response protocol lost me.

4. Grade?
D. B or A if you bring the focus in on the narrator. What's going on with her? Give me more panic, more description of what she's seeing, and more of her doing something and you can get me hooked.

1. In general, I really like this excerpt, however some of the wording was a little weird to me. For example, "I was helping setting up the streamers". I think there should either be a comma between helping and setting or helping to set up the streamers. Other than that I really like it. For some reason, I have a feeling that the Church has something to do with the explosions and that the people that live in the town are in some kind of cult. Don't ask me why I feel that way--maybe it has something to do with the presence of a militia.

2. Adult Thriller

3. turn the page then possibly buy it if i like what i read.

4. A-

1. Critique?
I'm not sure what the story is about. There isn't any foreshadowing as to what exactly is the conflict and the plot. It's a very peaceful scene, and I think that's what you're going for (which is good--you achieved your goal), but peaceful scenes don't really pull me in to reading. But that's probably just a personal preference.

Okay, so I think the MC is an old woman who is reminiscing days when she was younger (took me a while... maybe things like this just take me a while to get lol), and is listening/watching a TV. Tom's song is bringing her pain. Because of the way she reacted to a song, I got the sense that she's mentally ill or something.

I think the main thing you want to do is get a hook. Right now, I just know she's in pain, but I don't know what that's about. It's probably going to be revealed in the next paragraphs, but it's important that it's served as early as possible.

2. Genre and age group?
It could be any genre right now, but I get the feeling this is romance. Age group, not sure yet either.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
I always turn the page when I buy it. But no, I don't think I'll buy it. =[

4. Grade?
B

1. Critique?
You have some word choices that could have come out better. I don't want to do your writing for you, but can I suggest "as if he knew that, tonight, he would reap again"? I think it would play off of the name The Reaper and would better express the idea than 'take'. There are a few other ones, though other than 'laid' in "which had laid cold and stiff" they're not actually incorrect (that one should be 'lain'); I just think you could re-work it a little to make the flow smoother.

The fire can't both engulf the body and slowly devour it. Consistency and deliberateness I can see being associated with all-consuming flame, but 'slow' implies that it's gradually working its way up the body; not turning it into a meat-torch.

The last line of the excerpt has a logical break. "soon enough the fields would be his to work and tend, or die" doesn't make sense. "or let die" would work if you mean the fields will die but if you mean he'll die if he doesn't do it then it needs changing.

I'm not sure who "And now he was gone." refers to. I assume Alex's father, but there's no establishment for the pronoun. If that's what you mean then "And now his farther was gone." would hit harder. "And now his father, Joseph, was gone." would do the job and eliminate any degree of uncertainty in the last paragraph that Joseph is his dad.

That said, I like the excerpt overall and the tone is good. The constellations establish that this isn't our world as we know it, but the other details tell me that it's similar enough. I'm interested in where we go from here and the writing is good enough that, even without the changes, I'd be willing to give it a little time to hook me further.

2. Genre and age group?
Fantasy, adult.

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Check out the next page. Probably I'd actually just go off the jacket blurb for the plot and maybe check out a page halfway through the book to see if your writing improved as you went - if it sounded good and it looked like you picked up on the way I'd buy it; I've seen far worse word choice in published works that I paid for :)

4. Grade?
C because you have a voice and it's getting caught in the words. I can see it in the last paragraph and I think you were trying too hard to go for a clear image in the first few to really let your MC's voice come out through the narrator. Make it flow and I'd give you an A.

1. Critique

Yours is one of the better excerpts I've read. I knew what was going on the whole time. I had enough back story and sense of scene. The best part is that you did it without weighing me down with too much information.

I didn't like that the sentences didn't flow in a soothing, artistic manner, especially in the first paragraphs. It was just a little off. I also didn't like the "From ahses and dust come man..." stuff. It isn't a new thought and isn't necessary to the story. It comes across as trying to be thoughtful but misses the mark. I have something like that in mine too that I've cringed at every time I've read it - and as much as I hate to cut it, I think it has to be done.

Also, I didn't like the reference to his balls, not because I'm against balls, mind you, but because the hard reference didn't fit what otherwise seemed to be a rather literary, and enjoyable piece of writing. I was flowing with you, happy standing with you peacefully watching your dad burn up in the fire and then suddenly you took me to inner city Bronx - I didn't want to go to Bronx right then.

2. Genre
Mainstream fiction, adult

3. Buy it or turn the page
Turn the page

4. Grade
B- (as I said to someone else above, the grade is harsh because I sense you are a good writer)

1. I'm curious why Alex is thinking of the stars as "incredibly visible" - does he normally live somewhere with more light pollution, so being out on the farm makes him think of how many stars he can see? Does he expect the bonfire to be ruining his night vision more than it is? Are stars visible only part of the year? In other words, why is it unbelievable to him that the stars can be seen? I would expect someone from a low-technology setting to think of the stars as incredibly bright, or if he's been living so far away that he couldn't see the Great Goddess, Archerion, and the Reaper on normal nights, to remark on how familiar they were.

Also, with the fifth paragraph following the fourth, it sounded almost like Alex disappeared, rather than his father's body finally being completely consumed. (I'm not sure how long a pyre should take to completely consume a body, so I don't know if an hour is unrealistic or not; it feels a little short to me, but I could be entirely wrong!)

Aside from that, it works as an opening, and even those little nitpicks didn't throw me that badly. :)

2. It feels like fantasy, but I could see it as alt-history or science fiction, depending on where it goes from here.

3. I'd certainly keep reading; if I were in an airport and only had this long to browse each book, I'd probably buy it just from this much.

1. I can't really add much to what the other two critiques say. At first, I thought this must be fantasy, but some small things in the language felt more modern and out of place (he never had a great relationship with his father, arthritis, balls). If it's fantasy, I might rework those things, I'm not sure. If it's dystopian, maybe those things are just fine.

I might rework some of the passive areas. The sun set, rather than the sun had set, things like that. I'd get rid of the "there was" in the constellation sentences.

I'm interested to know why the burning flesh smell wasn't overwhelming to him.

My one nit-picky thing is that I would question that a body would burn in an hour.

2. Fantasy or dystopian. I would guess a YA coming-of-age thing.

3. Turn the page.

4. B. Good voice. Good characterization so far.

1. Critique?
The first paragraph was awesome, I loved your ability to mix the dark imagery with Alex not caring about the person on fire, but it does seem at first that ALEX is burning, not his father.

Also, there was one part where it said talked about him being 'almost gone' and then he was 'gone'. Just a personal opinion, but it might be a little wordy, maybe find a different word for 'gone'? You might say something along the lines of 'He looked down at the burning mass, and finally, the body was no longer distinguishable from the wood surrounding it", just using different phrasing might do you well.

You showed in your first paragraph that you had an ability for prose, and then you end it abruptly by using the phrase 'freeze his balls off'. I can see that maybe you're trying to show Alex's discontent, but the wording is a little off.

2. Genre and age group?
YA/adult, maybe fantasy?

3. Buy it or turn the page?
Turn the page, go from there

4. Grade? (Letter System)
Maybe a high C

Hmm. Interesting. It's a bit slow, honestly. That doesn't bother me too much, as it feels like this is taking place in a more historical, probably 1800's setting, what with the manor. Rothschild sounds very familiar, though I can't think of any specific connections.

If it is taking place in the 1800's, though, you shouldn't mention DNA, unless it's an alternate history or something. DNA as a term only came about around the 1960's. "A placeholder in the Rothschild lineage" sounds more appropriate.

Mostly, I'm not sure what the first half of the paragraph has to do with the last bit. He's wondering about his future, but then he's just wandering around the manor. What made him wonder about his future? That train of thought seems to get lost.

Also, he's not going to feed and water the horses himself, is he? There are servants for that. (Actually, 6am is probably pretty early for a Lord's heir to be up and about. They tended to sleep in b/c of all the late parties and entertainment.)

Overall-- writing is a bit clunky, not really giving me a good idea of who this guy is or what the scene is about. Not good for your opening hook.

2. Genre and age group? Historical/Literature, Adult

3. Buy it or turn the page? I would probably flip to the middle of the book to see if anything interesting happens later. So turn the page, at least.

4. Grade? (Letter System) C.