200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:48:59 -0600

200 words with basic manuscript formatting is about the first page of a short story (a little less in this case) and the first page of a novel. This is a game to see if you can get people to turn the page. Don't expect spectacular things if you don't follow basic instructions. =P Following instruction is 80% of how to land an agent. (If you want one). PLEASE PUT YOUR VIEW INTO THREADED VIEW. How to start a new threadline At the very bottom it says "Reply" not below the physical post, but below the "Comment viewing options" and above the "About:: FAQ," etc. This way your excerpt doesn't get lost in the shuffle and the person that is getting replied to/the originator of the sub thread doesn't get confused/mad. Ground rules for CRITIQUEES  1. You may not explain your story before, after or during. 2. Don't list your genre. 3. 200 words and under only--full sentences only. (First page only) 4. Please thank your critiquers and accept the results. If they are wrong--write it again and show us this is so. 5. You may link a thread to the longer example. (Please include the proper header of genre, etc. into that thread to save Dragonchilde trouble of asking you to include it into your post. =D) 6. You can repost better results, but please start a new thread line for that. 7. Please don't post under other people's threads with your beginnings. (See above) 8. Don't demand, "Where is my critique" if you haven't done one yourself. Not good at critiques? This is a good time to practice. Reciprocity is the greatest obligator in the world. 9. Don't forget to look at your post before letting people critique it--put your best foot forward. Have you formatted it for web? Are there glaring spelling or grammar errors? Ground rules for Critiquers. 1. Critique? 2. Genre and age group? 3. Buy it or turn the page? 4. Grade? (Letter System) With the critique--be specific. Don't be general. For Brits, you can also give a number grade out of 100 points too. We Americans can convert it to a letter grade. Grade is optional.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:02:38 -0600

The first time Joy Stratford saw Alex Bonheur, he distracted her. She saw him, looked again, and had time to see him smirk before a fist smashed into her face. She grunted and fell back against the chain link keeping her in, shaking her head. There was a rising bruise on her leg that throbbed, her hands and feet hurt from abuse and her jaw ached from biting down hard on the mouth guard. Still, she wrapped her fingers around the chain link to anchor herself and brought a foot up, shoving the other woman hard in the stomach. Joy was inside a cage, fighting another girl, in a dank little hole in the wall with concrete floors and rotgut for sale at the bar. It was humid and warm and dark, only broken by the bright, harsh light above the fight cage. There was a door into the back nearby, where girls changed into yoga pants and sports bras or what the fuck ever they wore to fight. Joy was in basketball shorts and a red tank top, her long hair falling out of its ponytail. The bosses were always pushing for something skimpier, show off the abs they knew she had under there, but the chances of that were exactly zero.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

creatorx2 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 06:29:38 -0600

PREPARE TO BE SAD AND I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE :((( "...before a fist smashed into her face." ^ This is drawing focus away from the main character and seems to remove me from her perspective. Also it's clear that it's his fist, so it would be better, i.m.o., to use 'his' instead of 'a' if you insist on keeping this phrase. (wait, further looks show that it's not his fist after-all. This is really confusing. Find a way to convey this more easily. Confusion is not really what you want right off the bat.) "She grunted and fell back against the chain link keeping her in, shaking her head." ^ implies that shaking her head, and grunting, and falling against a fence, are all related to one another. They are not. "...her jaw ached from biting down hard on the mouth guard." ^ You've got a lot of action in this first paragraph, and I'm assuming that the sudden violence is your hook. Using violence like this isn't the most effective way of drawing people in, however, because it has come to be expected. Plus, in my humble opinion, it isn't the violence itself that people like, it's the stakes and connections between the fighters, where every blow, and every block, and every drop of blood spilled, raises the tension to the point where you're not even sure if the character you have come to love and respect, over the journeys you have been brought along on and the time that you have devoted to understanding their inner workings, will even make it out alive. That's how you draw people in with violence. It's not just watching people get hurt. That's what YouTube is for. "Still, she..." ^ informal. Messy. Seems like how someone would describe it in speech rather than literature, which would be fine but the tone is not consistent with the rest of the piece. "Joy was inside a cage, fighting another girl..." ^ Why did you wait until the second paragraph to establish this? "...or what the fuck ever..." ^ absolutely unnecessary. You just lost a significant portion of your demographic right there, and I don't actually see what kind of purpose that the word fuck serves that would make up for this. "...basketball shorts and a red tank top, her long hair falling out of its ponytail." ^ I'm not sure that 'falling out of' is really an accurate way of describing this. Also, her clothing and hairstyle can definitely be related through a sentence like this but in this case there are two distincts points you're trying to get across (she's wearing a 'relatively' conservative outfit for what she's doing, and she has done up her hair to keep it out of her eyes while still being proud of its length), which aren't really digestible when stuck together like this. "...the chances of that were exactly zero." ^ zero.... chickens? zero boxes of kleenex? zero fractions? zero zeroes? You probably are going for zero percent, or alternatively something along the lines of 0/10. You could get away with saying 'nil' instead, though it's a personal preference and I'm not sure if that's any more accurate. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I believe that's it. I am really, really, really, really harsh. Oops. I apologize profusely. I didn't really focus on any of the good stuff. There was definitely good stuff. GOOD STUFF The premise of the fights is interesting. You should most definitely start out with a description of the cage match because that is legitimately interesting and I wish that you talked more about this than the other stuff. You'll notice I glimpsed little bits of characterization out of your general sentences. The characterization is there, you just have to bring it out, and I am confident that you should be able to do so because you seem to have a clear personality for your character in your mind. Just expand on that. Not all at once though; that's a recipe for disaster. Get a nice even ratio of characterization to punching women in the face. Right now your ratio is leaning heavily towards the women-punching so you have room for some exposition. What is a rotgut? Wait, that's not really a good stuff thing. Eh. The name "Joy" is a very nice touch, especially with the contrast of her line of work/hobby, or whatever this is. Joy brings pain to others. Stratford is cool too, sort of going with the theme that this is all a big show for the benefit of the audience, but I'm not sure whether you're aware of the connection to the Elizabethan theatre town or not. I will assume you are. Alright, I'm done. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

creatorx2 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 06:33:25 -0600

The first thing that the Host does is run the little biographical clips of each of the contestants. There are twelve of them, between the ages of 16 and 18, excluding the ages of 16 and 18. What he is trying to say there is that they are all at varying stages of 17 years old. He made sure that none of them would have a birthday during the runtime of the first season of his show. The Host likes the age 17, though he doesn’t know quite why, because he is between the ages of 11 and 13. Some people may find it strange that a 12-year-old is the mastermind behind a huge multi-million-dollar corporation that runs for the sole purpose of holding a reality TV show entitled "Explosions Explosions Death-Weapon Big-Brother House Rip-Off"... but we don’t like those people. That there, that huge stupid title, is of course still a working title because the show has not yet begun airing yet. Also, the house part is kind of inaccurate seeing as it’s a big facility. Airdate is tomorrow. The Host needs to review the Editor’s job of the biographies which is the first thing that popped into his head during this train of thought, before he got heavily side-tracked with internal exposition.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mollyyymo — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 06:51:19 -0600

From the first page... would you turn to page two? “I've done it this time.” This was the only rational thought that ran through Helen Watkins' head as she sat in the back of a car, on her way to God-knows-where. Although she could feel the warmth of two bodies on either side of her own, Helen had not yet seen their faces. She dared not open her eyes. She was nauseous, and she was sure that she would be sick along the way at the sight of the cloth that she knew would inevitably obscure her view. Helen was a Private in the Woman's Army Corps. Joining the WAC was the obvious choice for a single woman of her station; the military offered a salary, life insurance, and an opportunity to give thanks to the country that had provided her such a grand opportunity. She had come a long way; from West Virginia, all the way to Paris, and now, having boarded the wrong train on her day away from the city, and having disembarked at some wretched, occupied place, she was on her way to God-knows-where. She worked in communications, linking one telephone line to another, plugging in and pulling out the right connections. Helen kept to herself. She rarely spread gossip, she rarely even spoke to her fellow countrywomen. But now, she was destined for “God-knows-where.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mollyyymo — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:04:07 -0600

1. It's clearly a fight scene, but it seems to move along a bit slowly. Short sentences tend to work a bit better in fights, just simple action/reaction. There's a bit of passive voice that I find distracting ("There was a... bruise... that throbbed") I like "what the fuck ever they wore to fight." I think it gives us a good idea of what Joy is like. She just doesn't give a fuck! It's a small detail but it's good character development. "It was humid and warm and dark, only broken by the bright, harsh light above the fight cage." This is another troublesome passage I think. We need to know what was "broken by the bright, harsh light." We don't know what "it" is really. The air was humid and warm and dark? The atmosphere? Also, "broken by" strikes me as awkward - passive vee! But beyond those issues, I'm really just nitpicking... I like this, and I would definitely read more. 2. I have no idea what this genre might be, but I could dig it. Not everything needs an established genre. It's clear that it's not for a young audience. 3. At the very least turn the page. But I probably wouldn't buy it because it's a bit too verbose for sexy-cage-fighting. Because really, what lures me in is why are these sexy ladies kicking each other's butts with this creepy dude watching? I'd like to see it get to the point. 4. C+, but it could easily be a B+ with some careful editing and revising. And with re-writing, possibly an A. Well done!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lori Ramsey — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:58:49 -0600

"Miss? Miss? Can you come here?" called a little voice beyond the partially opened door. Sunny refused to hear it though. She kept her eyes on the wax and pushed the mop, but her hands were now feeling extremely hot and uncomfortable. She tried to ignore it, but couldn't. "Please. Miss? Can you come in here for just a second?" the little girl asked. Sunny looked up and couldn't avoid her penetrating stare. She smiled, and pulled the dead plugs from her ears, and carefully set the mop against the wall. She gingerly stepped over the rope. "Um, Hon, do you need a nurse?" Sunny asked, hoping the girl would say yes. "No, please, come in. I want to talk to you." Sunny reluctantly stepped into the room. The lighting was dim, the walls had the same murals on them, to help give the appearance of hope. But it was a hospital room nonetheless. A lamp was lit near the bed, and subdued lighting above the bed head board. The girl looked so tiny and frail. Her eyes were sunken into her head, dark circles underneath. Her honey brown hair was growing out in tuffs, like she had been through the rigors of radiation or chemotherapy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lori Ramsey — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:02:49 -0600

In my opinion, very good use of grammar, though I'm not a grammar geek. It reads well, nice and descriptive. Is this a mystery? It has the initial makings of one. I would turn the page and probably want to read a bit more before determining if I actually bought. I give this a B+.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kay.mindless — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:25:50 -0600

1. Critique? I can see the attempt at humor, tongue in cheek type thing... but it falls short. It reads as childish and not the good way that the narrator is 12. To be honest, the second and third sentence would have had me putting the book down without reading any farther. As a reader, I like reading slowly and I like to take things in, but I do not like when I have to go "Wait, what?" I can see where it could be interesting, but with this I would pass it up. =( 2. Genre and age group? YA I'm hoping with humor? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =( 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kay.mindless — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:32:54 -0600

1. Critique? I'd suggest some different wording for "God-Knows-Where" unless there is some meaning behind it that's not apparent with this little snipit. Also, I'd move her communications job paragraph, because what makes me want to change the page is to know how this army woman has been caught/captured/held hostage. This is more than likely just a personal thing and people may disagree, but I want to be tied in a little more with the idea she may be a kick butt soldier before finding out she's introverted and works on the phone lines. Anyways, all in all, I like it. 2. Genre and age group? I'm going to throw a wild guess and say it is something in the past (I don't know communication, do they still plug and unplug connections these days?) So maybe action/mystery? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kay.mindless — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:37:52 -0600

1. Critique? I like it and don't really have anything bad to say about it. It's clear and concise. 2. Genre and age group? No clue =( 3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes, I would 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:43:41 -0600

1. Critique? Way too wordy. Now that NaNo is over, you don't need two sentences to say that you have twelve 17-year-old contestants. Ditto with the age of the host and the name of the show. 2. Genre and age group: Teen comedy? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither, sorry. Still needs more work. 4. Grade? I think it's a solid B+.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:47:16 -0600

It doesn't take much effort to be abandoned by your parents and left to a children's home, but when your parents could conceivably dwell somewhere on the rings of Saturn, in the sky cities of Pluto, or even under the Blood Moon caves of Mercury, it's hard to understand why they'd drop you off in a cornfield not far off from Topeka, Kansas. There is nothing worse than the sudden, sharp realization you gain the moment you realize that, no, you do not have a mother and father and will likely not be able to find them for many years. This realization is made even worse when you subsequently realize that, because you are unfortunately not even human, it is unlikely that you will ever find your parents at all, what with the enormity of the planetary system that our microcosm of the universe is found in. Unfortunately for a particularly un-terrestrial 15 year old girl, these thoughts are quickly replaced by the moaning and groaning of a star-bus, which, from the sky, rapidly approaches the launch pad where she and her peers are situated. Mundane thoughts begin to cloud her brain once again, a swarm of Saturnian diamond flies stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:52:02 -0600

1. Not a bad start. I like these characters, which means you're definitely doing something right! :) I really like the little girl character, because she seems to behave like a real little girl, not a caricature (as is unfortunately seen in so many works involving children). However, I don't quite understand why Sunny doesn't come into the room. I can surmise several reasons, since most of us have been in a situation like this where we want to ignore someone we don't know (a homeless person, for example), but I would have liked to have seen just a bit more of a glimpse into why she was ignoring the little girl, even if it was only a sentence of explanation. I also appreciate that you give us the details slowly, instead of slapping us in the face with a giant paragraph of description. Be careful, though. There are moments when you veer dangerously close to "pity party" territory. Stories set in hospitals with children can very easily become overly sentimental, with the children characters serving no purpose for the reader other than eliciting pity. When that happens, I feel manipulated as a reader (if you've ever seen or read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, you might know what I mean). I don't have that feeling reading this excerpt, but there are moments - specifically, the reference to murals giving appearances of "hope" and the description of the little girl's appearance - when you wax sentimental. I believe the solution to this is to simply focus more on genuine characterization - what are the characters themselves feeling? I think staying "in their heads" will make this more engaging, because it makes the reader really understand their perspective and not simply look down upon it or pity it. Enough of my preaching, though! 2. I'm guessing this is Drama and written for YA to Adult... 3. I probably wouldn't buy this (I'm VERY picky about which novels I spend money on), but I'd keep reading a little bit. If it were in the library, I'd probably check it out. 4. I'd give this a solid B-. It's a good start, it just needs some finesse (which I'm sure it will receive once you start editing :D)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:52:51 -0600

OH DAMMIT, I thought I'd hit "reply" to her post and not the bottom! SO SORRY about this. That was for @Lori Ramsey

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:04:15 -0600

‘The four rules of the Sacrifice, Naheli. Tell me.’ ‘The Sacrifice must be twenty-one years of age,’ Naheli recited with her hands behind her back. ‘The Sacrifice must perform three great acts of magic. The Sacrifice must be willing, and the Sacrifice must not be grieved for.’ It always made her a little sad to think of that last part – that no one would be allowed to grieve for her. ‘Very good,’ Mistress Rhima said, looking down on her with eyes unusually dark for someone of the priesthood. ‘You may sit now.’ Naheli let herself fall on her chair which scraped across the glass floor with a screeching sound. She bit her lip and checked the floor for scratches, but her view of the ocean far below was still unmarred, and the reflection of sunlight dazzled her through the glass. She lifted her eyes to Mistress Rhima’s fat white fish that swam round and round in its bowl on the table, blindly staring back at her. Still no second act of magic, she thought, shielding her mind from Rhima. But if I could, I’d use it to turn all this disgusting glass and white into blazing colour.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:07:54 -0600

1. I can tell from this excerpt that you're a really creative author, because you've come up with so many settings that sound really cool and interesting. However, to be really honest, right now this excerpt seems to be one despair after another, and it doesn't make me feel for the character. The first 200 words should be what really catch the reader's attention, but this kind of wallowy description didn't do it for me. The first impression I get of the character is that she feels sorry for herself, which doesn't make me like her or empathize with her. Instead, I find it hard not to judge her. I'm trying to find a nicer way to put this, but she feels whiney. Now, if you want to make her whiney, that's GREAT, and a fantastic character flaw, and if you wrote these descriptions with that implication instead of trying to genuinely make us feel badly for her, I think it'd be much more interesting and kind of hilarious. As it stands now, though, I find her boring. Suddenly in the second paragraph, though, we get what feels like a dramatic shift in tone with words like "moaning and growning," "rapidly," and "stinging." That makes me think that something far more exciting is going on than the bus arriving. If you were trying to get that exciting tone, I think you should just have something genuinely exciting happen! The way it's currently written is confusing, though, because you're being overly descriptive. Some of the sentences, especially the final one, are difficult to understand as written and I had to read them several times. So, in general, if I were you I'd do this: either make the character less self-pitying or acknowledge somehow (implicitly) that she's whiney. Use less description and more action, at least at this early stage in the novel. Once we're more immersed in your setting and characters, these kinds of long descriptions will engage us more, because we're invested in the novel. In the first 200 words, though, your job is just to get our attention and start that investment process! 2. Sci-Fi, YA 3. As it stands, I would neither buy this nor continue reading. But I bet you can change that! 4. Right now, I'd have to give this a C. I really like the creativity that I can see in this setting, but I want to see more of that and less lengthy description.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:12:14 -0600

Thanks for the critique! I see what you mean by the wallow-y description, Unfortunately, the VERY next paragraph pretty much turns it all around with her realizing that she's being depressing and trying to take her mind off of things. I'll try and reorganize my writing a little.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:13:36 -0600

Sorry, can't edit. Would you be interested in me Nanomailing you the next few paragraphs? It would be helpful for me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

meg_nicholle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:20:19 -0600

I’ve known about Catchers my whole life, but they never seemed real to me until I was twelve. When I was a kid, they were no different to me than witches, or ghosts, or vampires. Just a creature to tell scary stories about. Something to give you a spook before bedtime. Unlike those other creatures, though, I was told that Catchers are real. We were all told the characteristics of Catchers, so we’d know what to look out for. Cold skin, jagged teeth, racing heartbeat. Those things can be difficult to see so they can be tricky to find. Still, I never thought I had to worry about it. A couple of stories surfaced throughout my childhood of people being Caught in Huntsville, the closest city of any size to our tiny Alabama town of Rosebud. Those stories still didn’t scare me. The city was so big and far away that it could have been another world entirely. I didn’t pay much attention to the lectures on how to recognize a Catcher, or how to defend yourself. Then there was the day that I wished I had. It was a Thursday afternoon in the dead of winter, just before dark. I was walking home from school with Brock Bennet, my best friend since birth, and we had stopped to sit by our favorite old oak tree. I remember the day as well as if it had happened yesterday, and not eight years ago.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:22:55 -0600

Sure! Send them my way via NaNoMail! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:29:37 -0600

1. Critique? Generally, I don't like things that begin with dialogue, especially unattributed dialogue, but that's a personal preference thing. However, the short exchange between the two characters is engaging, it gives the reader information and that information is intriguing. Naheli feels young to me, much younger than twenty-one. Perhaps fifteen. She may be intended to be that young, in which case, well done. If not, it's the air of sullenness around the last two paragraphs that gave me the impression. And perhaps, also the 'school' like atmosphere of the scene. There's a few sentences that feel a bit awkward. The last sentence of the fourth paragraph in particular felt like a break in the rhythm for me. I generally don't like thoughts being noted as such in narrative, when a quick rewarding can remove the necessity for a tag. I feel it gives the reader too little credit. However, the note that she's shielding her mind makes this particular usage work. That said, the shift to first person even for her 'thoughts' felt unnatural to me. Alright. So, that sounds like a heap of negativity, doesn't it? Here's the thing. I really like this excerpt. I tend to only pick at and try to improve things I enjoy. It's interesting, it introduces the premise so quickly the reader is never left floundering or wondering why they should be interested. Your dialogue works, it feels formal but that formality suits the setting. And the two characters seem to have different 'voices' which is excellent. 2. Genre and age group? Would have to read more for an age group. The sense of youth I got from the apparent protagonist would make me think YA. Certainly feels like fantasy. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page, certainly. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:33:21 -0600

Later, Alissa wouldn't be able to pinpoint the exact moment she began to lose her mind. She would blame Michigan for that. She was in the habit of blaming it for most things. Newly arrived, she was so mired in her own sense of loss that the first little glitches in reality didn't sink in. Everything was strange. Everything hurt. If the colors seemed too bright, if she kept finding herself incapable of breathing, wasn't that to be expected? It wasn't until, halfway through breakfast one morning, her new step-sister suddenly transformed into a small blue ukulele that she realized that something really was wrong with her, and it wasn't merely the sharp air of a Michigan autumn. Unfortunately, there wasn't really anything one traditionally did upon the abrupt shift of a quasi-relative from girl to ukulele, an action so ridiculous that Alissa didn't even bother to question what she was seeing or point it out to anyone else in the room. Clearly, she'd snapped. She'd warned her mother that small towns made people crazy. And, if she'd expected it to take more than a week and a half, well, obviously she'd been too generous.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tooterfish — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:33:59 -0600

1. I liked it overall! My only issue is with the final paragraph. You say "all this disgusting glass and white," but the only white thing you've described so far was the fish. Saying "all this glass and white" made me think there should be more white described, but maybe that's just me being picky. :) 2. YA fantasy? 3. Turn the page! 4. B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tooterfish — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:38:34 -0600

Complete darkness. He blinked, not sure if the darkness was caused by closed eyes. After several slow blinks, he determined that his eyes were open. He turned his head to the left; nothing. He turned his head to the right; pain. He lifted a hand to the origin of the pain – his right eye. The pain was dull and he could feel no mark on his face to explain it. A pinprick of light appeared before him, and then another, and another. Soon, an entire constellation of light had appeared, and he realized he was looking into space. The stars stood out against the ebon sky, and one of them loosed itself from its perch and streaked across the black. He followed the shooting star with his eyes, again bothered by the pain in his right. He touched his eye, but still came away with nothing to explain the hurt there.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

meg_nicholle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:48:46 -0600

1. Over all, this did a very good job of drawing me in. Just a few picky things though: First of all, I feel like we should have a name for this character by now. By constantly referring to the character only as "he" it makes me feel a little disconnected from the story. It would feel more personal if I knew who "he" was. Also, you have a few words that you repeat a lot, he being one of them. The other is eye. I understand that his eye is important at this moment, but maybe try some different wording, or not referring to it directly so many times. 2. I would guess maybe YA fantasy? Though it could just as easily be adult fantasy. 3. I would turn the page :) 4. B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:51:29 -0600

1. I find this excerpt to be interesting, and I understand what you're trying to do by switching so quickly between different details and memories. While it does construct the perspective of someone who's going crazy, I feel that sometimes you go a little overboard with it. Because of all the sudden switching around (i.e. from saying that's she's arrived to indicating that she's lost someone or something to saying that she was incapable of breathing all in the span of two sentences), I found some portions difficult to understand and had to reread. It may be just me, because I do find myself having to do that occasionally in other novels, too, but I think you can take your time just a little more. Don't worry, we're not going anywhere! Your best feature by far is your talent for witty, dry humor. Many authors would make this an opportunity to get overly verbose about her mental state and her thoughts, but you instead used it as an opportunity to find comedy in the nearly absurdly manic nature of this character. I really liked that. I would just find a way to take the action a little slower. Alissa is an engaging enough character even without all the bells and whistles of so many different hallucinations. Removing a couple of them would give me more of her quirky, funny view of the world. Definitely keep the sister turning into a ukulele, though. That's hilarious. 2. The tone is clearly Comedy, and I think the level of wit and the complexity of the humor makes it suitable for adults more than for young adults or children. 3. Turn the page, definitely! Buy, maybe. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

NURBS — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:53:50 -0600

I was pissed. And rightly so, I should add. You would have been pissed too had you been in my shoes. There I was, naked, chained to a wall in a pitch-black cell. My hands were chained together and attached to a corner of the floor by three heavy iron links. I was thus unable to stand, unable to lie down, and unable to sit comfortably. I was, in a word, fucked. But that was no reason to let my spirits get down. I mean, just because I'd been captured, beaten, all my possessions taken, and left to rot in this cell was no cause for me to lose my sunny disposition. Had I known at the time that my captors were Kanigmen I may have been a bit more worried, but right at that moment I was blissfully unaware of that little (albeit important) fact. For all I knew, my captors were Thamians, in which case I would have very little reason to be afraid. So I held onto that possibility and tried to do my best to get some rest. The gods knew I needed it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tooterfish — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:07:31 -0600

He's an amnesiac, so he doesn't know his name. The narrator isn't omniscient, so the reader won't know his name, either. In an upcoming chapter, he gets a temporary name, but he doesn't actually learn his real name until about halfway through the novel. In the meantime, he's relegated to being called "he," "him," or "the man." Finding new ways to say "eye" is on my December editing to-do list. :) It's hard though. Not a whole lot of synonyms for eye, unless I want to start using medical jargon, which would sound a bit weird in my opinion. It's actually SF! In the very next paragraph, we learn that he's standing on a space station, but it was over 200 words so I couldn't include it. >_< Thanks for the critique! ^_^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kryztzyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:10:06 -0600

1. Love the first paragraph, the context and the concept definitely would have me page-turning. I was engaged with the description of her mindset. My mind was turning in circles on the concept of the ukulele hallucination... wait no, she's schizophrenic... or no, her quasi-sister really is a ukelele... no, it's a massive conspiracy... or drugs? Yep, I was intrigued at the idea and I felt it was believable since the MC was questioning her own sanity and in a state of despair. Interesting start. I wouldn't be entirely sure what to expect from the story, though, but maybe 200 words isn't quite enough for that. I think whatever the ukulele-complex turns out to be would determine whether or not the story is for me. It seems to be a heavy focus and I don't know if it should be or not. 2. Genre and age group? Of course no idea, but if I were to guess - Fantasy, YA/Teen 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page! 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

NURBS — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:14:56 -0600

1. I'm kinda torn on this one. On the one hand, I'm intrigued and want to know about this little world you've created. What are Catchers? What does it mean to be Caught? I'm getting a bit of a supernatural vibe from it which is pretty cool. I could see this being the start of a cool creepypasta, something to read in the middle of the night when it's pitch black in the room (save for the glow of your computer screen, of course) and you're afraid to turn around because you know there's a Catcher right behind you, creeping up silently, its jaws opening... and I should stop. So I like that. On the other hand, it didn't really draw me in as much as it could have. Maybe it's because I can't really identify with the narrator yet. It jumps around in time a lot for the first page and that's a little jarring -- you talk about his (or her, it's unclear) childhood before they had an experience with Catchers, the time when they were 12 that they had the experience, and you make it clear that the narrator is telling you this story eight years after the experience when they were 12. So that's three different time periods to keep track of, all in 200 words. You also jump around a lot in general and throw out a lot of information -- you mention the name of a city, town, and state all in one sentence, you briefly describe some features of Catchers but then almost immediately move on, you talk about your mentality as a child compared to your mentality as an adult, and you introduce your best friend. It all just seems like a lot to pack in one page. So I'm torn. It's not bad by any means, but I wouldn't say it's great. Maybe average. Sorry. 2. Genre? Sounds like YA supernatural fiction. I throw the YA in there only because the narrator is talking about when they are 12. 3. I wouldn't buy it based on this page alone. I'd turn the page to see where it goes, but I'd put it down if it didn't hook me within the next couple pages. 4. I have no idea how I would grade this, so I'll leave the rest of my critique to stand on its own.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

meg_nicholle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:15:00 -0600

Oooohhh, I see. In that case, the name thing wouldn't bother me, and actually the fact that he has amnesia would make me even more interested! The space station would definitely hook me too. Good luck with the editing :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessRobyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:16:57 -0600

I think I'm qualififed to critique thsi one as it seems to be for a YA audience and I am a YA. 1. It's quite confusing to be honest. You keep repeating things in a rather odd way that isn't very appealing. I like the way you refer to your character simply as 'The Host', but as he is a twelve year old mastermind he would NOT have such a long and weird name for the show. That is the sort of name a unintelligent eight year old would come up with, not a twelve year old who is clever enough to be running his own show. Also, I'm not sure how 'The Host' would get the money for a multi-million dollar corporation unless he is a very spoilt child, in which case he would be more likely to have tantrums than use his brains, blackmails his rich parents, in which case he would be more evil, or is a criminal. If he was a criminal he would definitely be more evil. In short, the idea seems alright but it needs a total rewrite. 2. YA I presume, but I can't work out what genre it is. It's not funny, scary, action packed or, well, anything really. 3. Neither 4. Probably a C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessRobyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:25:08 -0600

1. I like it. The idea is good and the first page is certainly intriguing. However, I wouldn't say 'Sunny refused to hear it' followed by 'She tried to ignore it, but couldn't.' That almost seems contradictory. Also, the people you I've seen undergoing chemotherapy (unfortunately I've already seen quite a few) don't have their hair growing in 'tufts'. At first their hair thins, then it starts to fall out from the back. That's the point where the boys wear caps and girls grow their hair over it to hide tha bald patch. Then it falls out from the top and they become bald. There are never really 'tufts', just thinner patches of hair. 2. I'm not entirely sure about genre. It could trun out to be almost anything. The age group is probably, I would guess, adults, but I'm a YA and I would read it as well. 3. Not sure. I would definitely turn the page but I don't know if I would buy it. 4. Probably a high B or low A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:27:36 -0600

1. Critique: The elements are interesting. I'd like to know more about the Catchers, and what happened in Huntsville, and who gives lectures about Catchers and defense against them. Perhaps more description about winter in Rosebud. "Dead of winter" is temporal, and gives me an approximate date. What about the weather? Was it cold, windy, warm? People act, and interact, differently in cold weather (bundled up, leaning into the wind) than in warm weather. Winter in many parts of southern states involve ice and snow. Details will help me picture that Thursday afternoon in my mind. The presentation is one of telling, rather than showing. The POV character is telling me about their knowledge and experience, but I prefer it when a POV involves me (the reader) experiencing the events with them. The excerpt reads like a diary, but that may be your intention. I am confused about two of the points to recognize a Catcher. How can cold skin and the racing heartbeat be seen? Unless the character has some sort of supra-human power, a person would have to touch, and be in very close contact with a Catcher to notice their skin temperature and heart rate. 2. Genre and age group? I'm not sure. A seemingly adult narrator describing something that happened when they were younger could be YA, or not. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Sorry, but no. I am intrigued by the Catchers, but I don't feel involved with the narrator.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kryztzyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:28:30 -0600

1. I like the set up! You're talkin my language, I like this sort of writing and the direction the story is going. I think you struck a great balance between kicking off with an exciting moment and setting the scene. Introducting both Kanigmen and Thamians felt a little heavy-handed to me, but it seems like good information. Maybe saying just one at first and mentioning the other a few paragraphs later would make the information easier to take in. I like the overwhelming sense of down-and-out told with a stark sense of humor in it, that really marks the character. I was imagining a pretty tough guy who really takes things in stride, like Pullo in Rome. Simple adding of 'gods' to the MC's statement is nicely telling about the world too. The whole intro moves along comfortably, and I'd be reading on quite a while before making up my mind, I'm sure. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy It! 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:28:47 -0600

^_^ Rule reminder. 4. Please thank your critiquers and accept the results. If they are wrong--write it again and show us this is so. Usually better form to kick butt with a better version and show the information you just said--convince us he is an amnesiac. Do not explain your piece, but show us a new version showing that this is so. I've learned that adhering to this rule has made me a better ~~masochist~~ writer.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

inuitmonster — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:31:23 -0600

Women in a cage fighting... it doesn't get any better than this. Because I am a bit slow it was only in the second paragraphy that I registered that this was about cage fighting, but I don't think that is a problem for the book.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessRobyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:32:04 -0600

1. This is great! It's intriguing and doesn't give too much away, which is important at the beginning of a story. I'm not sure how she can look down through the glass floor below to see the ocean - is she in a boat? I would expect there to be more rocking if she was. Overall though, I like it. 2. Possibly a fantasy, I'm not entirely certain. The age group could be adult or YA. 3. Definitely turn the page, possibly buy it. 4. High B or low A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

inuitmonster — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:33:16 -0600

[quote=creatorx2] "...or what the fuck ever..." ^ absolutely unnecessary. You just lost a significant portion of your demographic right there, and I don't actually see what kind of purpose that the word fuck serves that would make up for this. [/quote] I don't know, if you can't have gratuitous swearing in a book about women fighting in a cage then when can you have it? I think the swearing suggests a certain devil-may-care attitude here.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessRobyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:37:02 -0600

1. I needed to read the final sentence twice to actually understand it properly. I'm not sure why, but it does seem a little confusing. Perhaps you could reword it slightly to make it easier to understand? Other than that I really like it. 2. Fantasy, possibly horror as well later on in the book. At the moment it seems YA but that could be just because the protagonist is currently 12. 3. Turn the page, possibly buy it. 4. High B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessRobyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:42:10 -0600

1. This is pretty good. I like the use of detached, short sentences. I don't think that turning his head should cause pain in his EYE though. That just doesn't appeal to me. Looking from side to isde, yet that could cause pain. Turning the head however couldn't. It's probably just me being picky. Also, I don't think he would touch his actual eye. I certainly wouldn't touch mine, even if it was painful. I would caress around it then leave it. 2. Adult science fiction or fantasy. 3. I might turn the page, but if I was in a hurry I would leave it. 4. A solid B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

faithlessone — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:01:06 -0600

1. Ooh, I like!!! You've definitely set the feel/tone of the novel in very few words. I particularly like the third paragraph; it feels a little bit Neil-Gaiman-y, if you know what I mean. That sort of conversational tone even though the subject matter is strange. There is a lot of information here, but I don't feel overloaded, which is good. Your main character sounds nicely characterised, and I already want to know more about him; why he's there, what he's done, that sort of thing, so that's definitely a win in my book. 2. I'd say sci-fi, although it could easily be fantasy. Definitely adult. 3. I'd certainly turn the page and read some more, but I can't say that there's anything here that would stop me buying it. 4. A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

faithlessone — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:08:24 -0600

Years from now, I would look back and remember that this was the day my life changed forever. The day I met him for the first time. The day they told me that my fate had been set in stone. Lord Achilles wasn’t at all that I had imagined, if I was completely honest with myself. I knew he was a warrior, so I expected the muscles and the weapons, but my imagination had forgotten he was the son of a goddess. He was magnificent; tall, taller than Father, even, and his golden hair shone in the sun. His eyes weren’t as kind as I had hoped, but they sparkled with a charm that I hadn’t really expected, even though the slave girls told me that he was a ladies’ man, a flirt; that he was as free with his affections as he was with his weapons. As I watched from the window with Electra and Xanthe, he arrived at my father’s palace like a conquering hero, followed by a whole entourage of soldiers, nobles and slaves; both men and women with gleaming skin and perfect hair. At the head of the group was Lord Patroclus. He was just as handsome as Achilles, if not so well-built. The slave girls had plenty to say about him; that he and Lord Achilles were more than friends, that they were lovers, even. They certainly seemed close, arriving together as they did, on a matched pair of horses at the head of their army.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:10:49 -0600

Oops! I forgot to mention the genre. Since Catchers are compared to "witches, or ghosts, or vampires," except that Catchers are real, I'd say supernatural or horror. That is a very nice touch for defining the some of the parameters of your novel's world, by the way. I immediately know that witches, ghosts, and vampires are not real in your novel.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

faithlessone — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:15:27 -0600

1. I do like this. It's nicely funny, in that dry clever way. It reminds me a lot of Martin Millar (if you've read any of his stuff - if not, I'd recommend him). The style is a bit haphazard, but I think that just adds to the feeling that nothing is right and the world isn't as it seems. I like the theme of being in a new place and everything going crazy, possibly because of it. It's a genre that really appeals to me. For any more, though, I'd have to read on. It's very hard to judge your pacing or voice from such a short extract. 2. Humor, YA, or Adult perhaps, maybe a bit of modern-day fantasy, depending on where the story goes. It's hard to tell from this. 3. I would definitely keep reading. 4. B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:25:56 -0600

1. Critique? The writing's a tad rough, but it's Nano, so that doesn't bother me. Tightening up sentences/action, etc. can come during the edit. (As others have mentioned, shorter, tougher phrasing in the opening paragraph would help to sell the physicality of the scene, and some of the description is a bit muddled. It's still as good as I'd expect any writing to be during this sort of fly-fast-no-edit process.) What l love, love, love about this excerpt is the sense that you really know your characters and have plans for them — and you know how to make it accessible to a reader. I realize instantly that Joy is the FMC and Alex is a potential love interest, but also that there will be plenty of friction and tension. The second paragraph is rich with setting and characterization. I like a limited 3rd person point of view, and statements like "what the fuck ever they wore to fight" and "the chances of that were exactly zero" tell me a lot about Joy without the awkward "Joy thought to herself" kind of statements that can so easily crop up, especially during nano, lol. (Of course, the POV could deliberately shift throughout the story, with focus moving from one character to another, so that we get to learn more about Alex and other characters from the inside.) 2. Genre and age group? Mainstream, maybe thriller, adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definitely turn the page on this draft. The finished book could be a buy. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A- with potential for an A+.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:45:51 -0600

1. Critique? Excellent. The dialogue in the beginning was a great hook, and the setting was immediately set up. Now we already expect that the world is different, and we want to know: what's so different about that world? I am engaged with the world you made. Not so much with the character yet, but that's alright. This is an excellent beginning. Now for some minor line editing suggestions. --Naheli let herself fall on her chair which scraped across the glass floor with a screeching sound "Let herself fall" suggests she's tired, uninterested, unwilling. Also, she's in front of Mistress Rhima, who I already have the impression of is a strict teacher, and is possibly evil. She wouldn't do that, at least not openly. If she's really unwilling inside, but she's a Sacrifice, then she's pretending to be willing. Maybe Naheli would rather sit quietly. The entire paragraph doesn't contribute much except describe where Naheli is. I think you can shorten this and cut out the fat, unless all of the description here foreshadows something important that couldn't be included in this snippet. 2. Genre and age group? YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:46:02 -0600

1. Very snappy opening! I love the energy and speed with which you jump into the story. The characterization is quite strong, and really appealing. I did find the "chained to the wall," and "chained to a corner of the floor" a bit muddled. Also, I would end the second paragraph after "that little (albeit important) fact" and give some space/room to the idea that he's WANTING to assume his captors are Thamians. 2. Fantasy, Adult. 3. Would definitely turn the page. Maybe buy after that. 4. A- now, probably A+ after you edit.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lori Ramsey — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:46:40 -0600

THANK YOU! I was scanning through here and saw my name. I wish I could tell you the Genre - you can click on my name to see that. And really, 200 words just doesn't give it justice. I'm learning though. I sincerely appreciate your critique! Very helpful indeed!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:02:50 -0600

1. Critique? I like that you're starting the plot with Greek characters. It's interesting and I want to see what happens, what you've converted the world into. Best of all, there's already a movie out for this so I already have faces in my head as I think of them. I had the feeling from the first paragraph it would be a love story. Then skipping right away to "Lord Achilles" on the second paragraph felt a little disorienting. I'm not sure why, but those two just aren't flowing well together. The first paragraph doesn't foreshadow the second one at all. I think it would do you good to remove, or just simply move, your first paragraph. Doing that makes it even better then, because that way we'll be starting with "Lord Achilles wasn't at all that I had imagined." (though "at all that I had imagined" sounds confusing. maybe rewrite that one). This one has, as I have read someone say before, a lot of bones covered under a thick layer of fat. It's descriptive but too wordy. Nothing is happening here other than Achilles and Patroclus arriving. For example, first sentence second paragraph, you can completely delete "if I was completely honest with myself" and it wouldn't change meaning. Basically try to shorten this entire part out so we can get to the good stuff right away. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy? I don't really know, since these people didn't actually exist. Maybe YA is a safe choice. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Cant' say. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:03:47 -0600

“…I’m sorry?” Durga stared blankly at the soldier in front of him, the shards of his broken wine glass at his feet. The soldier, despite his rather concealing armor, trembled from head to foot as though her were stark naked in front of his king. The ruler leaned in closer to his minion, waiting anxiously for any message that wasn’t the one he’d heard. “Sire,” the soldier gasped, his breath shallow and difficult to distinguish from his speech. “I can’t…you heard…we must leave, now.” Unable to control himself, the soldier brought his gloved hands to his helmet, holding it as his head shook. “They’re coming for you. Your mother…she…” At the mention of his mother, Durga was out of his seat and walking toward the soldier. “What’s happened to her? Where is she?” Finally, the soldier collapsed, losing all ability to maintain his composure. “They’ve taken her,” he sobbed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:16:26 -0600

1. Critique? I realized that it was Durga who said "I'm sorry," but the way it's written, it could have been either Durga or the soldier. "The shards of his broken wine glass at his feet" definitely sounds like it was the soldier's feet, rather than Durga's. It's all in all confusing. It's a good hook, though. The king's territory is under siege, his mother was captured. It's most likely a medieval Europe setting, but my first impression of it was more "barbarian." Think of the Orcs or Tauren in World of Warcraft. I think, to prevent that, you could include something alluding to the medieval setting you want to place the readers' minds in. 2. Genre and age group? Historical. Possibly 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Can't say 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kay.mindless — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:50:41 -0600

Sara woke up quietly to a dark room and on a soft bed; her eyes were swollen with tears and her body ached but she was refreshingly still breathing She turned in the bed and gasped as the sheets pulled and stuck to her body. Before she could move to sit up, to see what had been done, a large hand gently pressed into her stomach, pressing her back down. “You were marked, I removed it,” the rough voice said, the other hand moving to dim the lights so she could see. She looked down and tried to hold in the gasp that rose in her throat, the sight of her marred chest and shoulders clear to see. The large hand was still gently resting on her stomach, making sure she did not move. “I’m still marked,” she mumbled quietly, voice weak as she tried to force the fear and tears back down, “just not by the guards.” “They will not hurt you again…” he tried to justify and she tried to see his face but it was still outlined in the darkness, barely there. “You marked me as yours.” “No, you have the choice to refuse…” “How can I refuse this!” She barked, now struggling, wanting to inspect how much of her flesh he had flayed away.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:54:06 -0600

The sewer was dark as a Dockside whore’s crotch and twice as wet; fetid air thick with a humid stink that you could taste and feel as a slick, oily film on your skin. Like to be not dissimilar from the whore’s crotch in that, come to say it. Not for the first time I considered that this plan was not a highlight of my career as New London tradesman. “I’d like it to be clear that I’m going to write your name in the book with my own hand, Halflight,” Desperate said, his tone only half to taking a laugh. “Twice? Once in a sewer I can forgive. And, say it plain, Deadman blasting out the grate under the Academy was a sight brighter than I’d be like to credit you” “All in a night’s craft,” I said, shuffling forward, trying to keep my balance without touching the slime-slick walls. We wore hip-high boots of waxed canvas, both, pulled over colorless pants cut loose but narrow. Black clothes are like to draw the eye at night as often as to blend in. Ain’t many a night so dark the shadows are actually ink-black; most times the best you get is a grey-brown of muddled shades.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:04:09 -0600

1. Critique? First the good: * The marking bit and flaying to get rid of it make me curious. * The initial ambiguity about what was going on and whether she was being tortured, killed, or helped was enough to pull me in right off. The less good: * Your phrasing is awkward in several places, and you over-use adverbs. You can wake not-quietly, but quietly is the norm; it doesn't need a call-out. You can't mumble except quietly. * You've got a bit of swiftism going on. "she barked" "he tried to justify" "she mumbled"; there's one 'said' among 6 lines of dialog. The occasional "continued", "replied', or similar I can give a pass, but the rest of them are explained either by the line itself or by the context ("voice weak" tells me she was being quiet; I don't need the "mumbled quietly") * Dude man likes to trail off a lot. I can see "They will not hurt you again...", but you don't need ellipses after "No, you have the choice to refuse." It makes me think "no choice to refuse what? why did he complete his thought?" * The first paragraph needs something to tell me she's hurt before she gasps at the sheets. I get, after reading more, that she's injured and the sheets hurt pulling on her open flesh, but my first impression is that they were cold or felt good or something. Even just "gasped in pain" would do it. Overall I think the core is there for a good page; a revision pass and you'll probably have it :) 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'm picky about fantasy but I'd keep going if I liked the jacket blurb. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:05:07 -0600

Whoops, left out the age group. I'd guess you're targeting adults from the wounds. I don't read YA much but I don't think flaying is common there.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

minty88 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:08:30 -0600

You're right, this needs some serious editing. I think when I wrote this I didn't really have a clear enough idea in mind for the setting, but as I continued the novel, it became more solidified. Thanks for the critique!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:14:36 -0600

My house exploded. I froze, trying to understand if I was seeing things or if there really was a giant cloud of smoke coming from our house. Everyone around me stood unmoving too, stunned. Just a few seconds ago, we were setting up the decorations for the Winter Feast. I was helping setting up the streamers on the stage of the Town Square. Everything was going perfectly well. My first thought was to run. Run to our house. Father and Jamie were in there. I had to save them, see if they were alive. I jumped off the stage and looked for my brother Gabriel. He could help me. He WOULD help me. A second house exploded. It was Natalie’s house, on the other side of the Square from ours, which burst into flames, dark pillars of smoke emerging from it. I could hear Natalie’s shrill, terrified cry. Her family had been in there. The Square was thrown into panic. People ran in seemingly random directions, shouting for people’s names, looking for family members. Emergency bells sounded; rescue teams deployed; militia personnel were summoned. The Church, just across the Square, opened to admit everybody in—sanctuary for when disaster hit.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:21:43 -0600

1. Critique It's written well, except for a couple of things. "Sunny refused to hear it though" needs a comma between it and though, but you probably still have editing to do so that doesn't really matter, or have anything to do with the plot. As the others said, the "tried to ignore it/couldn't avoid" part is awkward. Also, this strikes me as weird: "Please. Miss?" Shouldn't it be "Please - Miss?" or "Please, Miss?" Apologies if I'm just making a fool of myself. The actual writing is very well done, better than most I've seen on this site, and it compels someone to read on. 2. Genre and age group? Suspense or perhaps mystery. Hard to say. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes. 4. Grade? (Letter System) How many pluses can I put? B++ or, if I can't do that, then A--, or if I can't do that, A- will have to do.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:30:30 -0600

1. Critique? You pulled me in with your first line. I was interested and it made me smile a bit. I didn't understand the second sentence and had no idea what the plan mentioned in the third sentence had to do with anything - I needed more information. Needless to say, while I like the pacing and tone of your sentences, you lost me with the second paragraph. However, I loved the first sentence of your third paragraph. I mean, really loved it. The first lines of the first and third paragraph are so well crafted, exactly the right mix of action, scene and detail that is neither too light nor so weighed down with details that I can't comfortably read and retain. They also don't have that trite, overly-dramatic feel that is so common in Nano as we all desperately try to write something interesting. Some of your other sentences are too dramatic, however, but mostly lack perspective and continuity. The other thing is, I would like it if your narrator didn't have so much "personality." "Ain't many a night so dark the shadows are actually ink-black; most times the best you get is a grey-brown of muddled shades." That sounds more like a character talking than a more neutral narrator. I want the narrator to just give it to me straight. A little personality is okay, but I want to rely on the characters, not the narrator, to provide the texture. 2. Genre and Age Group: Historical, 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page Not now. But know that If the whole thing read like the two key sentences, I'd be all over it. 4. Grade C (Please note: the grade is harsh because I sense you really write well)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:32:55 -0600

1. Critique "Refreshingly still breathing" sounds very weird and awkward to me. Also, after that, there's no period before "She turned", etc. "You were marked, I removed it" sounds bad as well. I think that comma should be a period. This could be part of the story - but why can she see after he dims the lights? Is she like an alien who can only see in the dark? I think there should be a comma after "she tried to see his face", because it goes straight to the but. (Hehe) I only partly agree with the other critique-person. The ellipses work, I think, when he says they won't hurt her again. It gives a bit of mystery. Maybe he killed them, and that's why they won't hurt her! OK, I have to say something. Am I even supposed to critique grammar and punctuation on this? Because if not, I don't have much bad to say. The good, which is more or less the whole thing besides a few little mistakes (yet unfortunately always seems to take less words to convey), is that it's instantly compelling. 2. Genre and age group? I'm thinking it could be a thriller of some sort. Perhaps Stieg Larsson-ish but with more fantasy? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:33:32 -0600

1. Critique? There are some phrases that confuse me. "Like to be not dissimilar from the whore’s crotch in that, come to say it." I found it hard to understand what this is trying to say. I'd also assume that this MC has some experience with a Dockside whore before, immediately marking him in my head as maybe a player, or at least a possible bad boy. Just something to watch out for, just in case it wasn't what you intended (but if you intended that, then great job). Also, I get that Desperate and Halflight are talking about something they both understand, but I'm completely out of the loop as to what it is. It made me go, wait what? Twice what? Twice written in the book? Once was in the sewer--he wrote Halflight's name in the sewer?--okay, but where's the second? And what does Deadman have to do with them? Just a little nitpicking, the "aint" was used far too late. By the first and second paragraphs, the speaker's tone was already established, and it didn't seem like the type of tone to use "aint." The overall tone, the way of phrasing, is uniform. I see this is a writing device you're using to characterize the MC. But it's confusing for me and it's hard to follow. Maybe I'm not part of the target audience. If so, then this is the critique of someone outside the target audience. =] 2. Genre and age group? It feels very noir to me. Possibly 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Not buy. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:34:45 -0600

When she was a girl, she was like all girls, she felt with her heart. She was a watcher, taking in the world. She didn’t get to participate much, and, as she opened the coffee can that held the dried marigold seeds and threw them across the earth, she dreamed of the day she would escape. She knew one day she would. She knew one day it would be her turn. But that was a different day than this, and on this day, she sits barefoot on the worn wicker chair on her patio, scuffing her hardened heels against the boards and listening to Tom Petty. She remembers the smiling girl who, hair pinned back, confidently ran into life oblivious of the wind, and how when she drove off in her convertible so many years ago, the world smiled. “Oh yeah…all right…,” Tom sings, his angst reaching into her chest. “Take it easy, baby…make it last all night,” he twists, making sure she feels the emptiness, the pain. “She was….,” he finishes ruthlessly, “…an American girl.” Hitting his mark perfectly, the flood of compromises and disappointments give way to the emotion that unexpectedly rips and heaves through her. Curling over, she clutches her hair hopelessly, without understanding, simply feeling his overwhelming crush of grief.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:37:30 -0600

It took me a while to get it too, but just so the author won't have to explain it and break the rules doing so, the second sentence means this. It's part of the, as you put it, narrator's attitude. "Like to be not dissimilar from the whore’s crotch in that, come to say it. " ==> "Likely, it's similar with the whore's crotch in that respect."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:46:29 -0600

1. Critique? I'm not sure what's going on here. The sentence structure is rough and you abused some commas but the primary problem is one of scope. So there's this - girl? boy? I get a sense of female but I don't know why; he or she is setting up some decorations for a festival, okay. Then a house explodes? Literally explodes, or is on fire? The cloud of smoke implies fire, rather than the hail of shattered wood and tile you'd get with an actual house-explosion. Exploded is fine, though; he or she doesn't know what's going on and a little hyperbole is often better than none. I'm with you up to there, but then it goes a bit off the rails. If her (I'm just going to use 'her') first thought was to run, why didn't she? Her dad and..brother? sister? were in the house - explosion or no: fly, girl! fly! Instead she's looking for her other brother she knows to be safe? To help her what? She hasn't even assessed the wreckage yet to know if she needs help. And why wouldn't he help? The big WOULD implies that he'd resist and she'd force him, which seems really weird with a house explosion. The kind of brother that doesn't respond to a house on fire isn't the kind of brother hanging around putting up streamers in the town square. But okay, I'm meant to wonder why he's not helping and I do, so good on you. I still think she should be running while she looks. Boom goes another house. Fine; things are happening fast now and the town is under attack or there's a gas main going up or something. She knows it's Natalie's house, which is fine; it must be a small town if there are houses ringing the square. But she hears Natalie scream? I imagine everyone in the square would be screaming: two houses just exploded. And she knows it's because her family was inside? Why is that even necessary? I'd scream if my house exploded whether anyone was inside or not. And if she can't keep track of her own brother, how does she know what Natalie's family is up to? And then... I don't know. She's hanging out on the square, looking for Gabriel? Helping Natalie? I don't know. People running everywhere, shouting for people, looking for people - that all takes time that she could be spending running to her own house, or what's left of it. Bells, teams, and militia take time. Someone has to go open those church doors. What's going on while all of that is happening? We went from boom-boom-action to "and then things happened for a while". 2. Genre and age group? Can't tell. I'm going to guess fantasy because 'winter feast' and 'militia', unless this is set in colonial America. Maybe YA? I get a sense of youth along with the sense of female but I have no reason for it. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither, honestly. I'm curious about the explosions and if it had carried on from paragraph 3 into Narrator doing something active I'd have turned over to page 2, but the drop out of the action into emergency response protocol lost me. 4. Grade? D. B or A if you bring the focus in on the narrator. What's going on with her? Give me more panic, more description of what she's seeing, and more of her doing something and you can get me hooked.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:55:22 -0600

Thanks! I don't think it's breaking the rules to inform the reader somewhat with "this is the sequel to a prior work". I agree on the "ain't" and some of his other dialect; I'll tighten it up on revision :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:56:37 -0600

Thanks for that. I completely forgot to view this as a reader who doesn't have all the info yet. Moreover, you're right. How can she know about Natalie when she doesn't even know where Gabriel is? Silly me. And yes she's a girl, and it's a small town.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:11:56 -0600

1. Critique? I'm not sure what the story is about. There isn't any foreshadowing as to what exactly is the conflict and the plot. It's a very peaceful scene, and I think that's what you're going for (which is good--you achieved your goal), but peaceful scenes don't really pull me in to reading. But that's probably just a personal preference. Okay, so I think the MC is an old woman who is reminiscing days when she was younger (took me a while... maybe things like this just take me a while to get lol), and is listening/watching a TV. Tom's song is bringing her pain. Because of the way she reacted to a song, I got the sense that she's mentally ill or something. I think the main thing you want to do is get a hook. Right now, I just know she's in pain, but I don't know what that's about. It's probably going to be revealed in the next paragraphs, but it's important that it's served as early as possible. 2. Genre and age group? It could be any genre right now, but I get the feeling this is romance. Age group, not sure yet either. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I always turn the page when I buy it. But no, I don't think I'll buy it. =[ 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:14:38 -0600

1. Critique? I'm guessing that Tom Petty being sad is part of the character's, uh, character. I have an astoundingly poor acoustic and musical memory, but I don't recall American Girl being particularly heart-wrenching, so it took me out of the narrative a little more than it made me curious (though it did do the latter, to your credit). You have some comma abuse but it's not bad. My only major grammatical gripe here is the first sentence because I am a firm believer that all sins can be forgiven if they happen sometime after the first line. "When she was a girl, she was like all girls: she felt with her heart." That's a great line. Don't let the commas get in its way :) I like the imagery in the first two paragraphs. I have a clear image in my head but you don't get bogged down. 2. Genre and age group? Drama - probably the literary kind; likely adult since kids these days don't know Tom Petty from Tom Waits. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Not a genre I normally go in for but I'd check out page 2. 4. Grade? B : I like the device of Tom singing to her through the old song and it bringing her down about a life lost or wasted or spent but gone; give me one sentence - just a couple of words - telling how it doesn't hit her the way it does most people. It may just be my peculiarity, but wondering if I just didn't remember American Girl properly threw me hard enough to jar the narrative.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:17:05 -0600

1. Critique? The first two sentences got my attention. For me some of the wording is awkward. For example, I had to read this sentence - "She was nauseous, and she was sure that she would be sick along the way at the sight of the cloth that she knew would inevitably obscure her view." - three times before realizing you were saying the cloth covering her head was nasty and she was going to be sick when she saw how bad it was. That slowed me down. You use the phrase "God-knows-where" three times in the first two hundred words. That's a lot, regardless of whether the phrase is significant. 2. Genre and age group? I'm guessing action or mystery for adults. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:17:42 -0600

So I kept dissecting your critique, and it's really helpful. I think you deserve a second round of thanks haha. =]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:23:12 -0600

1. Critique: You wrote two images that are very stirring to me, throwing the marigold seeds, and sitting barefoot on a patio. Both say a lot in a very few words. I found myself wondering why she was saving marigold seeds in a coffee can. I thought of a child saving marigold seeds, and waiting for the weather to be just right. The child is someone who patiently collects flower seeds. Yet, the child is also someone who doesn't plant them carefully in the ground, but throws them to the earth. A complex character, and very nicely done. I wonder why her heels are hard. That makes me think that she doesn't often wear shoes, and I wonder why. Other parts of the excerpt prevented me from wanting to know more about the young girl/woman. Characterizing all girls as feeling with their hearts pushes me away from getting into the story. In my experience, this is not true, and there is nothing to support why the character believes this to be true. When she reflects on her past hopes, at first she is relating about being a child, and then she describes driving off in a convertible. I'm not sure if, when she was a child, she dreamed of driving off in a car, or if that was a dream later in her young life. There isn't a clear continuity. I did not enjoy the quotes from the Tom Petty song. I can't think of the song you are referencing, so I don't hear it playing in my head. The lyrics are too general for me to get a clear picture of how the song relates to her situation. Since the song seems to be the catalyst for expressing her angst, I'm left in the dark as to why she is so overwhelmed by grief. 2. Genre and age group? I'm not sure about the age group. There's nothing that clearly marks the story as being adult, or YA. The genre could be anything, except for historical fiction. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I can't say that I would buy the book. I can say that I would read one more page, because the high points of your writing are evocative, and lyrical.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:34:59 -0600

Thank you, I appreciate it. I read the first line of your synopsis and laughed. Wow - great line. I love being surprised like that, and as you so nicely said about my writing, it said so much with so little. Brava!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:35:49 -0600

1. Critique? I like it. That's not specific, but I also don't just say that a lot. The only suggestion I have has been said (about the glass and white). 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, probably YA 3. Buy it or turn the page? yes 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+ or A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:38:26 -0600

Thank you for the thoughtful critique....and the colon help - not my strong suit. I'm stuck...I don't know what to do with Tom Petty. You sort of like it - it seems most don't get it. Ugh, maybe it's the "cut your darlings" thing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:39:14 -0600

Sorry - the above was @Mr. Badger Pants

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:41:51 -0600

It's funny, but you properly sensed everything, all the way down to her possibly being "mentally ill or something." The action gets going very shortly thereafter. Thank you very much for your honesty. : )

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:43:48 -0600

Got it. : )

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:44:38 -0600

1. Critique? Since blinking requires opening and closing the eye, it feels weird to me that he'd need several blinks to know they were open. He may be disoriented, though, I'm realizing after-the-fact. I like the pinpoints of light becoming stars. I'm also intrigued about his situation, since his movement appears restricted and he has a clear view of black sky and stars. 2. Genre and age group? Science Fiction? I got the idea he was in space, but I suppose he could be somewhere in the country or mountains with a clear sky. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:47:19 -0600

I agree with most of the above comments. The idea I found slightly intriguing, but the prose made me say "no thanks." I also haven't read Hunger Games (nor do I mean to) but the concept on the surface seems similar, only it's a modern reality show and not dystopian future. The prose is also awfully thick for YA. Books for younger audiences should have simpler, clearer language, not the opposite.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:49:50 -0600

I like it a lot, although for some reason I get a sense that something bad is about to happy to the nurse. Never trust a creepy child who wants you to come into the room! I don't have any real crit though and would probably turn a few more pages to see if it's my kind of story.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Generaljj2000 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:58:25 -0600

The flames engulfed the body, eating it slowly and deliberately. From ashes and dust come man, and to ashes and dust man must return. The fire was warm, the stench of burning flesh almost overwhelming, and Alex barely noticed. The sun had set several hours ago, and the stars were incredibly visible over the farm. The constellations that Alex's father had shown to him all those years ago, when he was a boy, jumped out at him. There was the Great Goddess, her arms bent in prayer. There was Archerion, blood spilling from his guts. And there, brightest of all, was The Reaper, as if he knew tonight he would take again. Alex looked down at the pyre. His father was almost gone. He sighed. He never had a great relationship with his father, but that didn't mean the two hadn't loved each other. Joseph Rolnick had spent practically every hour of every day trying to support the two, through rain, snow, and arthritis. He took one last look at the ashes that danced along the grass, before striding purposefully back through the cornfields, his fathers large cloak flapping around his ankles. And now he was gone. Somewhere far off, fireworks spat into the sky. Alex snorted derisively. The body of Joseph, which had laid cold and stiff on the farmland just an hour ago was gone, and Alex had better things to do than freeze his balls off. Winter was practically over, which meant that soon enough the fields would be his to work and tend, or die.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:15:23 -0600

1. Critique? You have some word choices that could have come out better. I don't want to do your writing for you, but can I suggest "as if he knew that, tonight, he would reap again"? I think it would play off of the name The Reaper and would better express the idea than 'take'. There are a few other ones, though other than 'laid' in "which had laid cold and stiff" they're not actually incorrect (that one should be 'lain'); I just think you could re-work it a little to make the flow smoother. The fire can't both engulf the body and slowly devour it. Consistency and deliberateness I can see being associated with all-consuming flame, but 'slow' implies that it's gradually working its way up the body; not turning it into a meat-torch. The last line of the excerpt has a logical break. "soon enough the fields would be his to work and tend, or die" doesn't make sense. "or let die" would work if you mean the fields will die but if you mean he'll die if he doesn't do it then it needs changing. I'm not sure who "And now he was gone." refers to. I assume Alex's father, but there's no establishment for the pronoun. If that's what you mean then "And now his farther was gone." would hit harder. "And now his father, Joseph, was gone." would do the job and eliminate any degree of uncertainty in the last paragraph that Joseph is his dad. That said, I like the excerpt overall and the tone is good. The constellations establish that this isn't our world as we know it, but the other details tell me that it's similar enough. I'm interested in where we go from here and the writing is good enough that, even without the changes, I'd be willing to give it a little time to hook me further. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Check out the next page. Probably I'd actually just go off the jacket blurb for the plot and maybe check out a page halfway through the book to see if your writing improved as you went - if it sounded good and it looked like you picked up on the way I'd buy it; I've seen far worse word choice in published works that I paid for :) 4. Grade? C because you have a voice and it's getting caught in the words. I can see it in the last paragraph and I think you were trying too hard to go for a clear image in the first few to really let your MC's voice come out through the narrator. Make it flow and I'd give you an A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:18:01 -0600

1. Critique Yours is one of the better excerpts I've read. I knew what was going on the whole time. I had enough back story and sense of scene. The best part is that you did it without weighing me down with too much information. I didn't like that the sentences didn't flow in a soothing, artistic manner, especially in the first paragraphs. It was just a little off. I also didn't like the "From ahses and dust come man..." stuff. It isn't a new thought and isn't necessary to the story. It comes across as trying to be thoughtful but misses the mark. I have something like that in mine too that I've cringed at every time I've read it - and as much as I hate to cut it, I think it has to be done. Also, I didn't like the reference to his balls, not because I'm against balls, mind you, but because the hard reference didn't fit what otherwise seemed to be a rather literary, and enjoyable piece of writing. I was flowing with you, happy standing with you peacefully watching your dad burn up in the fire and then suddenly you took me to inner city Bronx - I didn't want to go to Bronx right then. 2. Genre Mainstream fiction, adult 3. Buy it or turn the page Turn the page 4. Grade B- (as I said to someone else above, the grade is harsh because I sense you are a good writer)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lisa.Vail — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:21:10 -0600

He had always wondered about his future. What he would do as a career, who he might marry, if he did indeed want to get married someday. He imagined that his father would force him into marriage with some young lady of a manor somewhere, and expect her to bear a son to inherit their estate. He doubted that he himself would ever rise to meet his father’s expectations; he was, perhaps, just a holder for the Rothschild DNA, a tool used to pass it on in hopes of creating someone worthy of being the new Lord of Mayfield Manor. The air was clean, crisp and chilly as Merrill Rothschild left the house. It was barely 6 am, perfect time for the horses to be fed and watered. The stable was over the way; past the elaborately designed two-part manor house, and further across, leading down to the cliff on which the estate was built. The stables themselves were large – more like barns, with only a few horses in each one. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:29:57 -0600

I like this. Particularly the first paragraph. For the second and third I would've prefered for all that information to be weaved into the story, it doesn't have to be there from the beginning in my opinion. Or you could've interrupted that paragraph of info with another glimpse of her surroundings. For the second godknowswhere, I would've cut the "she was on her way" and just said straight "at some wretched, occupied place god knows where." That of course, would mean some changing of the sentence grammar (no "having done so and so") but I think it would make it flow a little better. I really think the repetition of god knows where is something you should keep, its the repetition of "on her way" meaning the same as "destined for" that takes away it's power. Your last sentence could be: now it was just god knows where. Well, that is just my opinion. Maybe god knows where is a particular place, or perhaps god did know where... I'm not a native english speaker so maybe it sounds different to me. I would definately turn the page, likely buy it. It sounds like my kind of book. Historical. Makes me think of occupied wwII europe. It needs a little polishing but so do all of our stories, don't they? Just place the god knows where in a position in the paragraphs or sentence where it shines the most, and it will be powerful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:36:43 -0600

Hmm. Interesting. I'm game. --- The bed she woke up in was not hers. Blinking, she levered herself into a sitting position, trying to get a better look of her surroundings. She was in a hospital, or a clinic; there were half a dozen other beds in the room, all filled with college-age students. A few of them she recognized-- classmates, though none of them were close friends. All were obviously injured; bandages covered arms, legs, even a head. At the foot of the beds hospital staff milled around, checking charts or monitors. She could hear a low buzz of talk and hurried footsteps in the hallway. If she had to guess, she thought that this might not be the only such room. She looked down at herself, searching for similar bandages. There was nothing; her skin was clean and unbroken. She ran her fingers through her short hair and found nothing on her head either. So just why was she here? One of the doctors had finally noticed she was awake, and hurried over. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a tiny flashlight. Flicking it in her eyes, he watched as she blinked, and seemed satisfied. "How are you doing, Viridian?" he asked, consulting his clipboard. "I'm Doctor Park."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kryztzyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:49:00 -0600

1. Alright, I have to say something because I had to come back to your excerpt. I read this soon after you posted it and I've had that song in my head ever since. "Take it easy, baby..." humming as I walked between my co-worker's office and my own... and it just hit me. I would love to read this book. This excerpt is exceptionally poignant to me. The crush of grief makes perfect and powerful sense to any woman who's ever considered she's past her prime or even has any sort of regret from the past to reflect on. I think you captured a very telling moment and I enjoyed I've been turning that song over in my head all afternoon, and I'm afraid I'll never hear it the same. Then, I read your excerpt on your NaNo page - and it makes even more sense, really illuminated this passage further. I think the image you've created here is very original and strangely relatable. Is relatable a word? Anyways, don't get a big head, but I think it's fantastic. Thought I'd add that to your thread here. 2. Genre and age group? Literary Fiction, Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it! 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:49:10 -0600

The Lady Fortune, a grand old ship that had reached the prime of its life a decade earlier, creaked its way across the ocean. It bobbed and swayed with every frothy lap of the waves. Its occupants were an odd group of aristocrats from several different nations, slumming it either for the novelty of it or from a lack of choice. They all kept to each other, feeling it unnecessary to breach social etiquette by daring to strike up a conversation. Most acquaintances formed on board were made by those leaning over the railing as their stomachs protested the rocky journey. Forest Bertrand, as he called himself to strangers, was one of the lucky few who didn’t suffer. He wandered along the decks daily, taking in the fresh sea air and trying not to look too closely at the faces around him. Fortunately for him, people rarely noticed him. He had nothing of interest to say to his fellow passengers, and was glad to avoid the awkward moment when he honestly answered the common question of “Where are you coming from?”. After all, people from his own country were known to be charismatic, outgoing, and the fastest to spend all of their money. People from outside his country were so used to this stereotype that they had a hard time reconciling it with this quiet, bookish young man, and would often look away or fall into an embarrassed silence.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:53:32 -0600

Hmm. Interesting. It's a bit slow, honestly. That doesn't bother me too much, as it feels like this is taking place in a more historical, probably 1800's setting, what with the manor. Rothschild sounds very familiar, though I can't think of any specific connections. If it is taking place in the 1800's, though, you shouldn't mention DNA, unless it's an alternate history or something. DNA as a term only came about around the 1960's. "A placeholder in the Rothschild lineage" sounds more appropriate. Mostly, I'm not sure what the first half of the paragraph has to do with the last bit. He's wondering about his future, but then he's just wandering around the manor. What made him wonder about his future? That train of thought seems to get lost. Also, he's not going to feed and water the horses himself, is he? There are servants for that. (Actually, 6am is probably pretty early for a Lord's heir to be up and about. They tended to sleep in b/c of all the late parties and entertainment.) Overall-- writing is a bit clunky, not really giving me a good idea of who this guy is or what the scene is about. Not good for your opening hook. 2. Genre and age group? Historical/Literature, Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would probably flip to the middle of the book to see if anything interesting happens later. So turn the page, at least. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:53:59 -0600

1. Critique? Well, the first sentence certainly grabbed me! The descriptions of what was going on around her seemed to drag a little (and only because it didn't have as much punch as everything before it). Also, nitpicking, but the name 'Viridian' seemed to stick out after all that. (Pot calling the kettle black? Sorry!) But you definitely have me interested. :D 2. Genre and age group? Adventure, with some sort of catastrophic event the main character has a big tie in. Young adult? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lisa.Vail — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:58:55 -0600

Thanks. Bit of a downer, but ah well. There are actually reasons for some of those things explained later on, but I can see how from the first page it wouldn't make much sense.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

meg_nicholle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:14:19 -0600

Wow, thanks everyone! This was really helpful. You all brought up some points that I obviously hadn't considered much. I'm definitely more excited about editing now that I have some specific things to work on :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:21:13 -0600

Honestly kind of scared to put that up there >_>

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lori Ramsey — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:24:03 -0600

Critique - These are some nice descriptive paragraphs, but I think it has lackluster because it doesn't "grab" me enough for the first 200 words. I see a man who can fare well on a ship who is also very unassuming. I'm sure this has it's place in the book though. It is well written. I feel like I'm reading from a pro. I'm not a grammar queen, so it's hard for me to offer "editing" critique of your work. Genre and age group - historical? Age group - adult Buy or turn page - I would turn the page to see if there are some "grabbing" words enough to make me buy it. I give this a solid B+ - because it is well written. Would be an easy A if it were a little more grabbing. (If that makes sense.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

James203 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:24:59 -0600

1. Critique? You write very wordy sentences. Not a bad thing, but "Mundane thoughts begin to cloud her brain once again, a swarm of Saturnian diamond flies stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group," is a little bit of a mouthful. Other than that, I personally like it. 2. Genre and age group? Science fiction or satire, young adult to adult based on word choice 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definitely turn the page. But I would have to read s bit more to buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) I would say a solid A- to a B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

James203 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:31:02 -0600

SO PEOPLE, as ridiculous and wordy as this excerpt sounds, remember it's NaNo. I have a legal excuse for saying one thing in eighteen different ways. Without further ado: “Bwooooooooop! Bwooooooooop!” Or maybe: “Wheeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee!” But maybe this would work better: “Bwooooeeeeep! Bwooooeeeeep!” I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no way to convey (way to convey? Did you get the rhyme, eh? Oh, never mind, some other day) the sound the blaring alarm made as it filled the headquarters of the Society for the protection of People with Unnatural Talents. It started out softly, so it would not alarm (Heh. Alarm) some ridiculously jumpy and paranoid person, then slowly grew to an incredibly loud klaxon - like an alarm for somebody whose ears were so badly damaged, a volcano erupting would sound like a soft vacuum cleaner running to them. Now, let me explain something about the alarms at S.P.U.T. There were no alarm codes, like “beep - boop - beep - beep - boop - beep means ‘lunchtime’,” or “boop - beep - boop - beep - bwaaah means ‘everybody drop to the floor and put ones hands over ones head’”. There was only one alarm, and it sounded vaguely like “Bwooooooooop! Bwooooooooop!” and “Wheeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee!” and “Bwooooeeeeep! Bwooooeeeeep!” thrown in a powerful sound blender with a little beep mixed in. And maybe some boop sprinkled on top. OH MAI GAWD THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT MY WRITING SOUNDS LIKE. I think I'll go cry now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:46:01 -0600

The night was cold and clear, no moon in sight. Looking around her surroundings nervously, she started off on her journey, with a fierce determination to never look back. Her parents didn’t care about her anymore, she had decided a week earlier. Why did Mom and Dad have to go religious on me? She thought back to the night her parents had told her the news. “Honey, Mother and I have changed. “Her father had said that night. “We’ve been given a gift, something that has given us a new heart.” “Stop talking in riddles Dad, tell me already!” she had said with a slight stamp of her foot. “Honey, we’ve found Jesus. He died for me, you, and everyone.” “Wait, did you just say Jesus?!?” she interrupted. “Yes, sweetie, I did.” He said, noting the look of disgust on his daughters face. “Why didn’t I see this coming? Religion! Dad, don’t expect me to become that way. You know what I believe.” She said angrily. “Doesn’t it have something to do with monkeys and Evolution?” Her dad asked. Mary smiled a sly smile, and said “Yeah. And nothing you say will convince me to ‘join’ your little group of Bible-believing friends.” Her dad sighed, and walked out of the room. Mary knew what she had to do. I’m going to run away, far, far away. Mary thought to herself. But not today. She decided that if she was to run away, she had to save money, stockpile food, figure out means of travel, and where she’d go. Alone in her room, sitting on her bed, she pondered this for quite some time, and then she fell asleep

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:59:03 -0600

You're the best, Kryztzyn. Thank you. : )

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

32AurorA05 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:02:32 -0600

1. Critique? It's so chaotic that it's interesting, but at the same time, it reminds me a little of 'My Immortal.' The little inserts, while funny, are unneeded. I didn't want to, like, kill myself while reading this or anything, but it's the kind of book that you read just to say you did. 2. Genre and age group? I'm not sure on the age group, but I'd say Humor for the genre. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:05:11 -0600

1. Critique James, I like it. It is different, and I feel your intensity. I can't say I understand it, but yet I do at the same time. You are giving your reader an experience, something new. That's cool. It makes me want to know what this is about. 2. Genre Literary Fiction, adult 3. Buy or turn the page Turn the page, and there is a good possibility I would buy it, thinking there was some hidden genius in it. Right or wrong, I'm just saying. 4. Grade A because as far as I'm concerned, you've done this better than anyone else (granted, no one else has, but that's the beauty of it.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

32AurorA05 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:05:24 -0600

is an old, abandoned house that stands upon a hill in a small, unimportant town. An old, rundown house that is often the subject of dares, teen stupidity, and has been talked about tearing down for ages. But it hasn't been torn down. Nobody knows why, but the time can simply not be found. And no-one ever gets past the first room. For some reason, they all just turn back. One windy afternoon, however, three sophomores from the local high school decided that they would be the ones to break the barrier. They were nothing special. Amanda Walker, straight A student with curly brown hair and brown eyes. Jake Hyland, your typical 'skater' kid. The only one that was even remotely different was a boy everyone called 'St. Jude.' Nobody knew why he was called that. Oh, and one other thing – St. Jude was mute. Because of the lack of people who knew sign language, the boy had taken to writing down what he wanted to say in a notebook, always having one and at least five pens on hand at all times. He really didn't have many friends; in fact, he seemed to exclude people on purpose.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:07:51 -0600

1. My first thought is that the beginning of the second paragraph feels really jarring - the first feels really immediate and the second really detached. It's almost like there was a POV change - like going from the helmet cam of a race car driver to going to a camera focused on an announcer, if that makes sense? (Also, it sounds like the concrete floors can be purchased at the bar, but that's just me being nitpicky.) 2. For genre I'd say mainstream ("airport fiction"?), I guess, unless it turns out her bosses are aliens or vampires (or Mr. Bonheur is an alien or vampire) or something like that :D 3. The shift in feel from first paragraph to second would be enough for me to set it back on the shelf at a bookstore, unless I caught a glimpse of something interesting further down the page, but if someone'd bought it for me I'd keep reading at least a little longer. (Unless the back cover led me to expect some kind of twist, like her bosses being aliens or Joy being ninety years old... but I don't read a lot of mainstream fiction.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:09:33 -0600

Yeah I think if an f-bomb on the first page is gonna lose my readers, they should probably stay lost because we're getting a lot darker and a lot more vulgar than that, lol. The purpose it serves is to establish that Joy is the kind of belligerent, think-with-your-fists person who pushes away irrelevant things with unnecessary force. And if I'd posted 400 words (which is what the first page of an actual novel would be, not a double-spaced, start halfway down the page manuscript format) I think the ratio of punching to characterization would even out. I did take your advice and clean up a few sentences, especially managing to make that one spot sound more like thought than speech (which was a good catch and I thank you, haha). Rotgut is generally accepted as a term for really low-quality alcohol, which I feel comfortable assuming most of my audience knows. A lot of thought did go into both of the protagonists' names, haha. "Stratford" is meant to be a Taming Of The Shrew reference, a kind of allusion/foreshadowing that Joy is gonna start out belligerent and emotionally unavailable, and eventually defrost a little. And Joy was just deliciously ironic for someone so bitchy and angry (originally she was Mercy, but there's already books with a werewolf protagonist named Mercy). And then Alex's surname means "good luck" and sounds like boner. I appreciate you taking the time to read, but I think most readers will get through at least the first page without pausing every sentence to ask questions about it (or I hope so because people who ask questions that will be answered in two pages irritate me and can stay the hell away from my book), so I feel like a few of your criticisms are things most people would blow right by and see explained before they had time to ask these questions, if that makes sense. I don't know, I guess the point of this was to talk through my reasoning to make sure I feel right in how I reacted to the various bits of advice, lol. I'll probably rewrite a little more and repost.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:18:40 -0600

1. I like it! I think it'd feel better in past tense, though; the first paragraph works in present, because it feels like I'm sitting down with the narrator and being told about something that happened to the narrator, but the second paragraph doesn't have that feel anymore, and the first doesn't seem like it'd have to lose the chattiness if it were in past tense. 2. SF, probably young-adult SF but I could see it as straight SF. 3. I'd definitely keep reading! Whether I bought it or not would depend on whether the writing continued to seem awkward - but if a story really sucks me in I'll ignore a lot of awkwardness.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:35:55 -0600

All the wild dogs had fled into the alleyways. They knew when a predator was on the hunt. His hot breath steamed in the cold weather as he prowled the city. His padded feet touched the ground with barely a sound. But the dogs were not blind to the deadly intent that permeated the air. Tonight someone would die. Men slept in their beds, unaware of the Great Wolf passing mere blocks and in some cases, mere yards, from where they lie. They were blind. They did not see. They did not hear. And they did not smell anything. He made his way across the city. He anticipated the moments to come, and the thought heated his blood. He was not blind. He saw. He heard. And he could smell everything. The wind in his fur excited him, but it was the taste he looked forward to. He arrived at the mansion. A tall wall topped with wicked, black hooks stood in his way. Such a measure would pose no obstacle, but it amused him to brush by the guards at the gate anyway. He silently howled his own praise. Blind. Humans were so blind.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:38:47 -0600

The insistent buzzing of the alarm clock finally stirred Elizabeth Stevens enough to elicit a groan and a clumsy slap at the snooze button. At the sound of tentative whining, she pulled the covers up over her head and pinched her eyes closed tightly willing the day to delay its beginning. After two repeats of this procedure, she finally reached over and clicked off the alarm. The din was immediately replaced by a full-fledged barking frenzy. She sat on the edge of her bed groping for her slippers with her dangling feet when a thought struck her. “It’s the last day of school!” She jumped off bed, now fully awake and did a little happy dance of joy around the room. It ended painfully when she stepped firmly on a hard plastic squeaky toy, the resulting screech bringing a new level urgency to the barking. “Brulee! Be patient!” She shouted over the noise as she began to for her slippers again, “Every morning is the same routine; alarm first, then slippers, then the crate door. It is always the same order. You would think that you would figure out that I am not going to forget about you.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Frenzy — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:03:25 -0600

“Taylor, hide!” My mum didn’t have to tell me twice; when she had a bad feeling about something it was usually a good idea to listen. I’m not going to lie, I was scared, clearly; every member of my mum’s superhero team had been murdered and she was the only one left. But judging by the tone of her voice and the expression on her face, the expression of someone who was about to get serious, I thought that it was safe to say that the murderer was about to try and change that. She must have been close. Panicking, I searched around the living room for somewhere to hide it out, while my mum took care of the murderer. “Just hide behind the couch!” The urgency was all too evident in her voice and, looking up at her, our eyes locked, as tears started to well up in mine. Fighting them and choking back the urge to sob, I just nodded and complied. I would be less than useless if a fight broke out. What could I do? I was only twelve and didn’t even have my powers, yet. My mum may have been trying to teach me to fight like her, but I wasn’t about to put myself up against a superhero serial killer. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate my putting myself in danger like that, either.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:03:29 -0600

1. Critique- The language didn't flow for me. I had to re-read several sentences to understand what you were trying to say. I like your imagery. The sentence "Joy was inside a cage, fiting another girl..." seems choppy and almost insulting to the reader. I like that you go on to just paint the picture. I think that is a better approach. 2. Genre and age group- ? 3. Buy it or turn the page- Not my taste, but I think it is enough to make me want to know more about the characters. 4. Grade? B with a potential for an A if the flow is fixed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:06:45 -0600

--Critique: To start, I'll say I like this A LOT. In fact, I've cheated and already checked your synopses and excerpt before criquiting... oh well. So don't really have anything to critique with regards to the story, just the wording, thought it's all in my opinion you don't have to make these changes. The first line, I'd change the order, to focus more on the ship, and not have it being decribed between those commas. You can have either "the Lady Fortune creaked its way across the ocean, it bobbed and swayed..." and then proceed with the "grand old ship that...". OR Start with saying "the Lady Fortune was a grand old.. (...), and now it creaked its way..." Just about any other variation that doesn't have that sort (explanation in brackets) feel. Also, I think fresh ocean air sounds better than fresh sea air, you could change the first ocean for sea so as not to repeat. I have no objection to the third paragraph and all in all those are only sugestions for tweeking like we all must do! --I'd definately buy this book, and I volunteer for beta reading it if you are looking for that! --Historical fiction. --A !!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:17:15 -0600

1. Critique: I love the imagery of the first two sentences. The fact that feral dogs ran in fear is immediate, and clear. I think the second mention of the dogs, "But the dogs were not blind ..." is unnecessary, and a distraction. Deleting that sentence keeps the focus on the predator. I would also recommend deleting the specific distances of how the Great Wolf passed. For example: "Men slept in their beds, unaware of the Great Wolf passing [near] where they [lay]." I think the sentence is cleaner, and more menacing without the mention of blocks, and yards. I think that readers will naturally assume the worst, that the creature was close by, and folks are lucky it did not kill them. The words about the wind in his fur are well done, however, then mentioning his being excited about "the taste" in the same sentence seems as though he looked forward to the taste of the wind (which he should already be able to taste), not the taste of blood, which I'm guessing is what is being referenced. The Great Wolf lost some of his air of menace with the mention that he would "brush by the guards." Up to that point, everything written builds up the danger to the local populace, and the Great Wolf's stealth when hunting. Walking through the front gate negates any stealth. Brushing past guards, rather than attacking and killing or maiming them, diminishes the Great Wolf's level of menace. If he can brush by the guards, and expect to access the mansion without the guards raising an alarm, then the Great Wolf changes from being a threat to those in the mansion, to becoming a visitor. 2. Genre and age group? Nothing is mentioned, or implied, that would prevent the story from being YA, or adult. The genre seems to be either horror, or supernatural. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would definitely turn the page to continue reading, and a few more pages after that, as well. I cannot say for certain that I would buy the book.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cobalt Red — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:47:06 -0600

1: Should there be an "It" at the beginning of that first sentence? I would reword that second sentence entirely, since it's not actually a sentence, and "has been talked about tearing down for ages" is just mangled. Maybe try something like "city council has talked about tearing down" or something. It sounds like you're trying to establish the house itself as a character here but the passive verbs just aren't working. Likewise, "the time can simply not be found" is awkward. Two normal kids and one disabled kid wouldn't be generally described as "nothing special." Phrases like "your typical skater kid" and "Oh, and one other thing" are too informal for a narrative. These kids also seem to have no reason to hang out together. High school is very cliquey, so if three kids from different cliques choose to hang out together the reason should be given early. Because of the emphasis placed on St. Jude, I expect there may be something abnormal about him beyond his disability. 2: YA, horror/supernatural. 3: I'd give it two or three more pages. Wouldn't buy it based on this.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lorata — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:09:03 -0600

1.) Don't explain anything! That's right there in the rules. Either we get it or we don't. ;) 2.) Not to be contrary, but the POINT of this critique is to ask detailed questions about tiny things -- that's why it's 200 words, not 5 pages. Obviously in reading the whole book we're not going to pause on every little thing, but this is for making that ONE PAGE the best it can possibly be, and that's what the critiquers are trying to do here. If you don't like it, you thank the reviewer, and you move on. :P

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:11:10 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to read my little excerpt. It's odd, I don't tend to think of my writing as particularly amusing, but all of you hooked in on the comedy aspect. Something to consider. If the tone of the first couple paragraphs is too light, it might give the wrong impression for the book in general. Anyway, thank you again. It's always nice to have encouragement.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:13:00 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to comment. You've nailed the genre and age group, which feels like a good sign to me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LuLiLa — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:13:27 -0600

Here is the into to my story (I did a little poem thing at the beginning of each chapter, this is not one of my good ones and I will redo it later also this goes a few words over 200 but I wanted to keep the last sentence complete): What dangers lurk ahead? Will they enter your mind and overtake you with time? Will you try to tempt fate and escape? Prepare to enter the pain that awaits you The small wire cage was filled with misfits. Sick little rats found in the gutters and brought to salvation, or so it seemed. A hefty brown rat chewed at a large flea on its hind leg with metal teeth, another itched at its raw ears with metal claws. They were prototypes for the brilliance that was soon to exist. A thin feminine hand reached into the cage and pulled out a small white rat from the corner. Its beady eyes lit up with terror and it began to squeal as it was torn away from its companions. It tried desperately to free itself but was so small it fit inside her palm and there was no chance of it escaping no matter how hard it struggled. The woman, Dr. Sarah Smith felt inclined to squish the poor beast and put it out of its misery but it was needed for the experiment. Dr. Nicholas Luis and her planned to change the world. Unfortunately they had not been provided adequate funding for their work and were set back to using rather primitive tactics.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:15:04 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to read or comment. I'm not familiar with Martin Millar, but I'll look him up. I agree that the style is haphazard. I think maybe that was what I intended, though I may not have used that word. I'll have to think about it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cobalt Red — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:17:14 -0600

I really need to write smaller paragraphs. This isn’t how it was supposed to go, Kate thought, as another barb whizzed past her ear, missing her by inches. She stumbled up the stairs, the bend of the landing giving her a moment’s reprieve from the barrage. One of her fellow operatives was dead, that she was sure of--a twelve-inch blade through the eye generally tended to be fatal, even to highly trained cape-killers with delusions of invincibility, such as him--and the other was somewhere on the barroom floor, desperately trying to keep his insides in while evading being trampled by panicked bar patrons. Not that I’ll miss them; that guy just saved me the trouble of having to kill them myself. But anyone who could so easily dispatch two veteran operatives could most likely take her out as well, and anyone who was willing to do so in such a gruesomely efficient manner wasn’t likely to wait for explanations.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tragicreciprocity — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:18:20 -0600

I would never forget the day they told me my husband was dead. I was eleven years old. It was strange, but I remembered the dust more than anything else. How it moved when they told me. How it danced, against all reason. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, two days after my eleventh birthday, playing a game with my brother Jurrien. Sunlight streamed in the window, melting across the wood floor, and I couldn’t help being distracted by the motes sparkling in its rays. Jurrien was taking his turn when the shaft of sunlight was suddenly interrupted by two pairs of shoes - my mother’s soft brown leather ones and a pair of heavy, thick-soled black boots. My eyes followed the laces and buckles up to a pair of crisp black pants, a neat black jacket with silver buttons - and a pale, expressionless face. A Seeker. Officially, they were government messengers. To us, the people, they were notoriously the bearers of bad news. Rarely seen in public, a Seeker was never a welcome guest at the doorstep of any home.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cobalt Red — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:19:11 -0600

Gah, stupid no edit button...her thoughts were supposed to be in italics.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ohsostarryeyed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:23:25 -0600

The forest of Niella stood out from the earth as if each individual leaf were reaching for the moon, whose round beacon of light was casting the ground below into a canopy of darkness. Behind it there seemed to be no space between each of the flickering stars, all dotting the heavens in never-ending patterns and shapes. Bordering the horizon in the distance, a great stretch of mountains pierced the frozen air with their white tips. Beneath the dense foliage of the forest floor, a pair of eyes moved swiftly in the darkness and cut through the shadows. They glowed yellow with all the fury and precision of a hunter, but also with the intelligence of Man. Two ears turned, straining to hear things no other animal could. They took in the moaning of the bitter wind as it whistled through the tree branches as well as the steady trickle of fresh water running over pebbles in a nearby brook. As the wolf moved into the moonlight, its gray coat lightened, shimmering and shifting in the breeze. Silently stepping on the hard earth, he kept his body low to the ground.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:24:58 -0600

Note -- This is a translation. I write in Spanish. Second sentence is awkward, I know. There was silence among the trees before the shot sounded, for a moment, just before, the birds were quiet and the wind stopped, everything was perfectly still. So the click of the trigger was sharp and clear, and the keeper saw the fox flick its ears and behind it appeared the shadow of the hunter. He held his breath, it was much closer than he had thought, and he remained frozen in his spot to make sure he had not been spotted as well. Now he could see him so clearly, the hunter and his shotgun between the bushes, he could even make out his finger pressing down in slow motion - only seconds ago, all that, all of him had seemed just part of the forest, just another bush. Yet there was another shadow far to the left that the keeper had not seen, he could not know that beyond the clearing he was also being watched. He took a quick step forwards, the pine needles creaked under his boot, and sensing the movement the fox dived into the bushes, leaving the shot to echo, empty, just behind. The noise covered the keeper's steps, and the hunter was loading, cursing in a murmur, when he reached his side and turned him around with a strong jerk. The man smiled bitterly and he dropped the shotgun, but then he turned to face the keeper and the smile faded, he stared in confusion, gritting his teeth. "Expecting someone else?" said the keeper. Just behind the same bushes, a short laugh went unheard.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:32:02 -0600

1. Critique: I think describing her career seems awkward here. It needs more of a transition. Maybe talk about seeing other army people on the train and connecting to them. Then talk about her being in WAC. I enjoyed this sentence: "She worked in communications, linking one telephone line to another, plugging in and pulling out the right connections." I bet you could write more about that. I mean, if Helen plugged in the wrong lines, I'd bet a lot of mayhem would ensue. However, the sentence after doesn't really flow well. Make a better connection. Maybe say "...right connects. Her work focused on bringing the right people together, and yet, Helen kept to herself." I agree with the rest, there is a lot of "God-knows-where." 2: Genre and Age Group: I'm going historical fiction with a hint of romance. I don't feel like Helen's in danger, just sort of angry at herself for going on the wrong train. Also, I don't think they still do communications like that (PS: My Gigi was one of those in her youth :) ) 3: Turn the page?: I would! But I'm a sucker for historical fiction with female leads. 4: Grade (letter): A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:32:38 -0600

I'm in. (As a side note, I'm not a funny person and it's my first time writing a parody. Don't let that lower the quality of your critique, on the other hand.) -- It was a dark and stormy night, and all Hendrik van Hoogduytscher wanted was some sharpies. He stood in front of a store, failing to push open the door. He huffed, and he puffed, … and the faint tone of the piano's minor key touched the air. The Dutchman wheeled around to face his personal musician, Tesa the Pianist, and cried, “This is not a scary part. Major key, major key! Goddamnit, Lulu; I want my sharpies!” he wailed, throwing himself at the door. The small ginger-haired girl beside him frowned. “My name is Theresa. And I believe the store is closed. We have to—” she stopped mid-sentence. Hendrik hadn’t sniffed a sharpie pen in a minute — his depraved mind would not understand logic. She tucked her portable keyboard inside her satchel before Hendrik would demand some crazy opera piece. “Is that … a keyboard?” asked Hendrik, appalled, pointing to the girl’s instrument. “Haven’t I told you to use an actual organ?” Tesa didn’t remind tell him she was a pianist, and instead said calmly, “An organ is too big to carry around.” Hendrik laughed sardonically, “Nonsense! You have a bunch of organs in your body! Of course you can carry one more.” “Those aren’t musical …” Tesa began, then stopped again for the second time.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:32:59 -0600

I'm not giving a full critique since I don't read fantasy, I'm not familiar with it, it sounds like fantasy, hopefully someone will complete this... BUT: I LOVE your first paragraph. It is genius. The description of the dust... I just love it. Reeled me in right away. Made me even think I could read fantasy. I know you want a critique but honestly I'm not fit to find the fault of it, except maybe the "playing a game with my brother Jurrien" sentence. I would just say playing game and let them figure out who Jurrien is in time. It would be less disruptive. And a husband at 11? But that must have an explanation further on, clearly. Definately turn the page. An A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:34:18 -0600

As a second side note, the counter I use counts more words than the NaNo validator, so I went with 220 words, hoping that it'll be 200 on here.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:38:45 -0600

1. I'm curious why Alex is thinking of the stars as "incredibly visible" - does he normally live somewhere with more light pollution, so being out on the farm makes him think of how many stars he can see? Does he expect the bonfire to be ruining his night vision more than it is? Are stars visible only part of the year? In other words, why is it unbelievable to him that the stars can be seen? I would expect someone from a low-technology setting to think of the stars as incredibly bright, or if he's been living so far away that he couldn't see the Great Goddess, Archerion, and the Reaper on normal nights, to remark on how familiar they were. Also, with the fifth paragraph following the fourth, it sounded almost like Alex disappeared, rather than his father's body finally being completely consumed. (I'm not sure how long a pyre should take to completely consume a body, so I don't know if an hour is unrealistic or not; it feels a little short to me, but I could be entirely wrong!) Aside from that, it works as an opening, and even those little nitpicks didn't throw me that badly. :) 2. It feels like fantasy, but I could see it as alt-history or science fiction, depending on where it goes from here. 3. I'd certainly keep reading; if I were in an airport and only had this long to browse each book, I'd probably buy it just from this much.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:41:03 -0600

1. Critique: I just don't like the name "Sunny." Sorry! 2. Genre: I feel like it has potential to either be a YA or horror/suspence. 3. Buy or turn the page: I'd turn the page. Then maybe buy if I liked it more. 4. Grade (Letter System): B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:42:26 -0600

Okay, this isn't me explaining it. Could I just ask whoever critiques this to let me know if it's too much 'waffle'? The person I got to read it for me said that the first few paragraphs were too slow. Awnn was the most beautiful in those sparing moments when the moon had fallen but the sun had yet to peek over the horizon. The grey morning glistened with possibilities, for what were that colour and that time but the essence of pure choice? The sky, like curls of molten ore, whispered of unspoken secrets and unfulfilled possibilities. It shone an odd light on the world, allowing the eyes to perceive the world as it was, rather than as it was imagined. It was a time when good and evil, right and wrong ceased to strangle thought and personal morality ruled. Simply put, it was freedom and it was tantalising. Irida moved a finger to trace the simple pendant about her neck. Paused. That familiar weight was gone. She should have remembered but her choice, made in the shadow of a night many moons past, seemed far away. She was floating in an ecstasy of absolution. The grey of this morning reflected the mists of the ether, above the stars. The source of life, of all power, cared not what choices she made while she was mortal. It would welcome her soul back, stained though it was.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:44:09 -0600

1. Critique: I'm really put off by the use of the word "you." I think it'd be great if you just took that out, make the sentences a bit more choppy maybe--in a hook sort of way. Not a bad writing kind of way. 2. Genre/Age Range: Sci-Fi, YA 3. Buy or Turn the Page: Neither. I really hate the use of the word "you." Sorry! 4. Grade: Solid B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:54:17 -0600

1. How is the moon casting a canopy of darkness? Is it penetrating the darkness, or the only brightness in the darkness, or being stopped by the canopy, or... is there something else I'm missing? Also, the second paragraph makes it sound like the creature is partially underground, as if emerging from a den - is that what you intended? And, for a truly minor nitpick, in the last paragraph you should have either "his gray coat" or "it kept its body low", just for consistency. Either way would work for me, though with the emphasis on intelligence the pronouns should probably be his/he/his all through. 2. Genre's going to depend on where it goes from here, but I would imagine probably fantasy, unless the wolf's genetically modified or spends most of his time as a human living in the city or something like that! 3. I'd keep reading - I'm curious to know whether the wolf is the protagonist, whether he's an unusual wolf or a shapeshifter of some sort, and what will happen when the wolf reaches his destination / the narrator interacts with him / etc. How well I like the answers to those questions would impact whether or not I bought the book, though - specifically, I'd want to see something happening soon, and get an idea not too long after that of why it matters that the wolf has human levels of intelligence.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:57:13 -0600

Legend states that the first Royal Condition given to the King’s three children was to conquer a dragon. The one who did this would inherit the throne. The oldest son immediately set out to slay a dragon. His body was returned to the kingdom a week later. The country mourned. The second son rethought his plans to go on a dragon hunt. He met with advisors for over a year, dissecting the best way to conquer a dragon and remain alive. Suits of armor were made, then dismantled when deemed unsuitable. All of Wynster knew of the son’s quest and his determination to stay alive long enough to claim the throne. The kingdom was stunned when the youngest of the King’s children, his only daughter, fulfilled the requirement. While the son was locked away planning how to outwit the dragon, the daughter went on a different quest. After three months of searching, she found a dragon egg. When she presented her father with her pet dragon, the King had no choice but to declare her the heir. She had conquered the dragon by taming it. Killing it had not been a requirement.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:57:16 -0600

1. I really liked it. Actually, I loved it. It reminded of a more modern "The Yellow Wallpaper." The beginning was a bit too conversational for my likes, especially since there was no conversation. I do, however, LOVE that it's in third person. Just love love love. I hope we see more of her family though and it's just not a quick mention. I absolutely love familial ties and I feel like writings today focus more on romantic ties... 2. Dramodey. Perhaps a mix of "Girl, Interrupted" and "It's Kind of a Funny Story." 3. I'd probably buy it. 4. (Letter Grade) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:57:22 -0600

I am the monster that ate my childhood. I think these words every time I look in the mirror, and every time I remember that I do not, in fact, remember. I’ve lost the memory of every moment of my life before I was fourteen. Dad says the scars will fade, but they still burn bright and red. He promised they would turn silvery-white and barely visible by the time I’m an adult, but at my seventeenth birthday party tomorrow I’ll be covering them with long sleeves like I always do. I wear long sleeves and pants whenever possible, but there’s nothing I can do about my face. I don’t remember the accident. Dad says it was horrible, something people would pay to forget. I should be thankful, he says, that I didn't know what was happening to me. But I just want one glimpse, even if it’s a nightmare. I want to feel that moment of fear that must have been so intense for a fourteen-year-old. I want to remember anything about being fourteen, in fact. Dad says the accident was so bad that I must have blocked out everything before it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:58:10 -0600

I like it. The only real problem with it is that it's a little bit hard to follow. It doesn't really read like the first few lines of a novel; I feel like I've entered half-way through a scene a couple of chapters in. For all I know, you explain everything that's going on in about three words but from what's here, I got a little bit confused. I can't really tell without having read more of it but if you are a bit like me, you might sometimes leave out things that the readers need to know because being the author, it's obvious to you. If you think that's a valid problem, maybe get some people to read it and tell you what they understood from it, then fill in the gaps. If you do explain everything well, then don't worry about it. I quite like your writing style. I think I would read on a bit. It's intriguing. I think it sounds like a decent parody, especially if you haven't tried it before.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Joselyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:04:59 -0600

The noise was deafening. Much louder than what you hear on TV, much louder than the shots you think you hear in the night, as you lie awake and wonder if it really was a shot, or maybe a car backfiring, or maybe a firework or maybe some workers doing construction. People have said it sounds like a broomstick splitting in two, but surely, a simple breaking broomstick would not split the night like that, would not shatter the silence in the darkness of the park. These thoughts would later cross Olivia’s mind, but in this instant, there wasn’t the time for thinking, for thoughts. An ear-splitting bang, and then, briefly, a small dusting of smoke in the air, powder drifting for a moment, and then clearing, falling down onto the damp grass. The bullet raced through the air, pierced her leather jacket, stabbed itself through her skin, her muscle, her organs. It happened in less than a second. And then, with warm blood rushing out into the cold air, staining her shirt, glimmering on her jacket, she fell, hitting the wet ground almost silently. And then, Olivia was dead.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:05:11 -0600

1. Most people wake up breathing, so I'm guessing she thought she was dead? It's unclear and a bit awkward. And the man is sort of odd and all of the "..." aren't really needed. 2. I'd say if fantasy: Teens, if thriller: Adults. 3. I'd turn the page, but I didn't like the character yelling at the guy. I don't know why, but it just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the scene. Probably because everything else was so quiet. 4. B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:06:56 -0600

1. Critique? The girl recitng the rules of the sacrifice, I think, will end up BEING the sacrifice. What a great way to start a story! Set out your guidelines right away. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy. Not sure of age group. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Not sure. I might turn the page. I don't usually read magic stuff, but your snippet was interesting enough for me to stop scrolling and read the whole thing. 4. Grade? An A. Well done!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:07:42 -0600

Thanks for the critique! As for a reply, nothing of relevance is occuring: a sharpie addict wants sharpies. In the middle of the night. I suppose I should explain why he has a personal pianist (even though I'm pretty sure I go into it later - which is because he believes thoroughly that his life is a musical), but he is getting sharpies out of a whim. It's because of this whim that later things (meaning: the whole plot) occur.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:10:17 -0600

1. Critique? Great job of setting the scene. The character is hurt, not sure where he is, and wants to know why his eye hurts. 2. Genre and age group? Sci-fi! 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, definitely. 4. Grade? An A. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:12:02 -0600

1. The writing seems a little immature. I hope the MC is twelve or so because she is completely unreasonable. Also, you have Mary replying to her father in the same paragraph. That may just be a format issue from your document to this forum, but it really should be fixed. I'm going to guess you were going for irony when you named your assumed atheist MC Mary? Also, while speaking of religion, I'm guessing it'll be important.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:12:15 -0600

It was a clear, calm night - the clearest Darknight that Anyitak could remember, in fact. The moon was full, and all anyone had been talking about all day was what a good omen that was. "Brightmoon on Darknight, worries take flight," and all that. Anyitak hoped it would be a good omen - tonight, she was running away. She'd been planning to do it for almost two ten-days now, since she knew everyone would be focused on dancing and singing and staying awake until Darknight was over, and not at all focused on one insignificant half-human sneaking away. That it was going to be Brightmoon seemed promising, since there'd be more light to see by - all the better to get far away from her clan before anyone knew she was missing. Of course, she'd neglected to think about the fact that Lastmonth was generally cold, if not as cold as Firstmonth, and since Darknight was a ten-day before the end of Lastmonth it may as well have been Firstmonth already. She remembered as she started her walk out through the sagebrush surrounding the clan's current primary village - that, and that a completely cloudless day always meant a colder night.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:15:25 -0600

1. Critique? Wow. What a way to draw people into the character's situation and pain. I already feel sorry for this girl! "Refreshingly" seemed unnecessary in your sentence about still breathing. However, that's the only mechanical thing that stuck out to me. 2. Genre and age group? Horror is the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm probably wrong. Adults are your target audience, thought. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably turn the page. 4. Grade? B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:16:28 -0600

Dammit, wasn't done.. Anyway. The way the dad says he found religion sounds completely absurd and it feels like you, as an author, let your own beliefs make your writings very biased. Hating on Christianity, on the first page no less, will probably turn away a lot of readers. If this isn't a story where Mary finds religion, I would make her views on it a little more sophisticated. Or, have it set in the past where things were a little more simple. 2. YA 3. I wouldn't buy it or turn the page. This whole thing turned me off: “Honey, Mother and I have changed. “Her father had said that night. “We’ve been given a gift, something that has given us a new heart.” “Stop talking in riddles Dad, tell me already!” she had said with a slight stamp of her foot. “Honey, we’ve found Jesus. He died for me, you, and everyone.” “Wait, did you just say Jesus?!?” she interrupted. “Yes, sweetie, I did.” He said, noting the look of disgust on his daughters face. “Why didn’t I see this coming? Religion! Dad, don’t expect me to become that way. You know what I believe.” She said angrily. Her dad had barely spoken and your MC was already getting annoyed. That's just rude and annoying. Overall, Mary's attitude is just disgusting. 4. C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:19:18 -0600

1. Critique? Great way to start a story by telling us the bed wasn't hers. I'm interested in the girl, and wondering along with her why she's in a hospital if she's not hurt. 2. Genre and age group? Adventure or mystery. Teens or college students are your target. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? An A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:21:34 -0600

1. I really really enjoyed it. I disagree with the other critique about the "brushing past the guards" thing. I think it adds a smugness to the wolf. I enjoyed all of your ending sentences, mostly. The only one did not like was "And they did not smell anything," but that's because it didn't live up to the epicness of the others. 2. Supernatural/horror; Teens and Adults 3. I'd turn the page, maybe buy. 4. A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:27:42 -0600

1. Your intro is really interesting. Mentioning she has a husband at eleven is definitely an attention grabber. It makes me wonder if this is set in the past or a country where young marriages are common. Then again, when you mention a Seeker it makes me think perhaps they are from the future. That's an interesting thought. 2. If there is no future stuff, I'd guess Adult Fiction. A story of growing up. If the Seekers are of the future, then I'd say YA, Sci-Fi. 3. I'd turn the page, probably buy. 4. A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:32:32 -0600

1. I think the sequences take the parody too far. A parody should be witty and funny. Close to satire, with less drama. This is.. well, it just feels like you're trying to expose everything in an unworldly amplified manner. I also already dislike the characters. Make the Sharpie addiction more of a thing, talk about his symptoms and his needs. Have him mutter things real drug addicts mutter about Meth or something. 2. Parody. 3. Neither, sorry! 4. C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:36:11 -0600

1. Critique? Your first paragraph is AWESOME! 2. Genre and age group? I think your genre is adventure, your age group is either teens or adults. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Hmm. Not sure. 4. Grade? An A. You got me to stop scrolling through the page to read the snippet I wasn't intending to critique. Hard to do when you're one of 15 in a line.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:38:49 -0600

1. It is a bit dull. Not to be rude, but it explains too much without saying anything. There needs to be a hook. You did, however, get me talking about Irida's decision she made. I'm curious to know what it was. 2. Literary Fiction. 3. Probably neither... I'd be the silly girl who reads the Wikipedia summary just to quench my curiousity. 4. B-. The writing and grammar are nice. Just not bright enough to make it pop as a novel.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

clynn07 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:43:15 -0600

On the last night, the night before everything went wrong, I had the Zach dream again. It had been almost a year since the last time I’d seen him, and yet those deep blue eyes were still perfectly preserved in the depths of my mind. We were sixteen. I knew we were sixteen because my hair was still curly, and Zach was still wearing that dumb t-shirt with the mushrooms on it. It was dark in my dream – darker than the sky had been when I’d drifted off to sleep that evening. I was leaning on the edge of the balcony outside my room, voice rising as I complained to Zach about the starless sky. Zach floated next to the balcony as he nodded in agreement. Although I’d certainly found it weird when he’d done that in real life – in fact, I’m pretty sure I nearly screamed and set off the alarm the first time he’d left the ground - in my dream, I didn’t bother questioning it. Nothing’s supposed to make sense in dreams. Everybody knows that. (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:45:14 -0600

1. Critique? First of all, yours has been fully critiqued in an intelligent manner, so I don't suppose I'll be able to add anything. I'm only posting because I really liked the excerpt. I love that type of atmospheric, noirish prose, and I'm almost 100% sure it's fantasy, and the kind I like. Then I checked your favourite authors - and understood immediately. I think to some, the gritty British style that almost has an accent when reading it might be too much. I like it, but I had to read slowly, picking out the nonstandard words (at least to a Canadian ear; I read a lot of British writing, but this is heavier than most). The three paragraphs do seem a bit hit and miss, for example, the part about black clothes drawing the eye was excellent, and to me the followup about the shadows not being pitch black seemed redundant - I'd already figured out WHY you said that black drew the eye as often as blended in. 2. Genre and age group? Urban fantasy, adult. Possibly even something like Joe Abercrombie or one of those recent, gritty fantasies. (The age is just based on the mention of whores. Fantasy lately has been going in a more realistic direction, in some ways.) 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. I think this question is sort of stupid, because there aren't many books I'd buy based on three paragraphs. But, unless those three paragraphs took you three years to write, I can tell you have unforced style. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A, I suppose. To do with it being confusing - there are definitely a lot of fantasy books like this that drop you in without any context, for example the Black Company books by Glen Cook don't assume you know anything, but don't tell you, either.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:47:11 -0600

The girl’s body ached and her mind was tired. She was an a average sized girl with a hint of muscular build. Her arms were defined and her legs held power. Her face was defined with stong bones and a small nose. She had dark brown eyes, long lashes and straight hair pulled back. “Again,” a man said. She scrunched up her face and glared. He never let her have a break, he never let her rest. Not during training. “You need to build endurance,” he had told her once. Now, the man stared at the stubborn girl’s face. “Lyla,” he demanded, “again.” She mustered her strength, “Fugio!” The girl roared and she felt herself lift from the ground. Her muscles tensed in concentration, but her feet gave way beneath her and Lyla knew shew as in the air. She dared not to open her eyes because she knew her concentration would be lost. She kept her eyes shut and tried to release all tention from her body. First, she felt her fingers ease and light substance filled her arms. Soon her toes tingled and the sensation travelled to her legs. Just as the light feeling crept into her neck she felt a shiver run up her spine and she crashed to the floor. She landed with a loud thud and her mentor began to laugh.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LuLiLa — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:49:41 -0600

1. Eh, not much for a start. I don't really have any idea what is going on or care to know at this point, you really don't need the alarm noises every second, while a bit interesting at first it gets annoying quickly and I find myself struggling to read the actual story part. It's funny but doesn't strike me as a very good start to a novel, maybe I'm just used to more elegant detail and less plain humor. 2. Humor, YA? 3. I probably would do neither, sorry! 4. C- (So sorry, hope you're not angry at me...)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:52:01 -0600

1. I think I'd say "my brother" at first, and then Jurrien alone later - it feels repetitious like this. (Yes, that's a tiny nitpick.) Is he her older brother or her younger brother? (Or her twin?) I think that'd be an opportunity to hint at whether she's taking care of her younger sibling, or whether she's really just playing, like we'd expect an eleven-year-old to do. I'm unclear how she knows that the stranger is a Seeker, unless it's from his pale face; is there an insignia on his jacket? Are black clothes something reserved for Seekers? I'm sure this'll probably be answered soon, but with what we have, it's a confusion more than it is something making me curious. 2. It feels fantasy, but I think that's because I've recently reread a fantasy series with government agents called Seekers; there's nothing yet that would convince me away from science fiction or alt-history. 3. I would definitely keep reading! From this much I don't know that I'd buy the book, but I'd give it a few more pages, for certain.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:52:44 -0600

1. This seems really interesting! I like your style and I like your descriptions too. The only thing that would frustrate me as a reader would be all the time period and settings you have: "Firstmonth," "Darknight," and "Ten-day." I mean, it adds to your credibility as a creative writer because you came up with your own everything! And I'm sure all those terms will be explained, and I get a general idea of what they are. So that's good. 2. Fantasy, age range is probably YA 3. I'd buy this if the jacket sounded promising as well as the first page. 4. A- (only because there is always room for improvement!)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:54:27 -0600

1. Critique? So in general this definitely need to be tightened up and edited, there are quite a few places where it is needlessly and confusingly wordy. Even the first sentence left me a bit puzzled, within the first the six words you say "the night" is used twice (4/6) and it's redundant- the night before everything went wrong IS the last night, so why do you need to tell us twice? This sort of thing is a bit an issue with the portion you've shared. Again, the next paragraph does the exact same thing- why are you telling us "we were sixteen" twice? This is a lot of repetition for only 200 words... And a lot of hyphens, is there a reason you can't just say "It was darker in my dream than the sky had been" rather than repeating dark twice and using another hyphen? Also when it says "I nearly screamed and set off the alarm" I'm confused by what alarm you mean. 2. Genre and age group? YA paranormal 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither, it could be interesting once it is edited though. 4. Grade? (Letter System) Without editing? C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:54:28 -0600

1. Critique? I would agree with FlameRave, to a point. That said, I also disagree on certain points. Wow, I really should have just said: I am neutral to the plights of FlameRaven. What I meant was, now that he/she mentions it, the DNA thing could be odd, but then again, we don't know yet. I thought the prose was NOT clunky, however it WAS uncluttered and easy to read, which of course isn't bad, but it doesn't "stand out". It all depends what you're going for. I would take that over Jane Austen style prose any day, however, just for ease of reading. (Maybe I'm not enough of a literature-nazi to judge that, though.) It's a bit interesting, but also a bit not (Hah, I sure am writing well today! No turning back. On with the critique!), in the sense that there are books that need to unfold. Certainly a book should have a hook, but I don't think even the harshest critic could deny that there are many classic books that have a helluva slow introduction. So, the setting appears to be generic, but of course, it might not be. It probably isn't. That's the problem, like I was saying - we simply don't know based on the intro. 2. Genre and age group? I'm going to take a wild random crazy guess here, and say that rather than historical, it's alternate history or perhaps historical involving science fiction or fantasy. WHAT A TWIST! I'm only saying that because you said "some of those things are explained later on" hinting at... something. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Close the book, flip it over so I can see the back, read the description to get an idea of the story, then open back to page 1, then turn to page 2. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B or C, based on the intro that doesn't really tell you much or hook you, despite it being written perfectly well.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:02:34 -0600

1. Critique? The first couple sentences don't really grab my interest as a reader. Quite a few problems with wording. Definitely needs to be reread and edited. A couple things that stood out for me: You say she has a HINT of muscular build, give two characteristics that indicate she has a fully muscular build- where's the hint? Saying her legs "held power" is confusing to me, how can legs "hold" power? You use the word "defined" twice right after one another, her arms and then her face. "Lyla knew shew as in the air" ??? Any reason for the strange wording "She dared not to open her eyes" as opposed to simply "She didn't dare open her eyes" What do you mean by "light substance"? That is unclear. 2. Genre and age group? Some kind of fantasy, possibly MG or YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither at this point. 4. Grade? (Letter System) Without editing? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:04:59 -0600

1. My main critique is that it sounds a lot like Superman, only from a girl's perspective. The fact that she is relatively the same age as Clark Kent from the first season of Smallville doesn't help matters, nor does the fact that she was left in a cornfield in Topeka, which also reminds me of Superman/Smallville. I agree with Minty88's assessment of the last line. It makes no sense at all. However, I don't think that the main character sounds whiny. 2. YA Fantasy 3. Neither. I am not really into YA, although I have read every Harry Potter book. 4. B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:10:39 -0600

Barbara-Louise Mackenzie ran for her life. She ran through trees, trying to escape the white-sheet wearing madmen that chased her. She knew who they were. You didn't grow up living in rural Mississippi without knowing what the Ku Klux Klan was. Even if you were as white as Bobbie was, you knew just what the KKK was and what its members were capable of. Until recently, she hadn't given them much thought, and if she hadn't been fleeing from them, she would have been ashamed of herself. Until recently, she hadn't realized what Negroes went through every day. She hadn't understood the fear that came with the sight of the white sheets in the night. Not until she got involved with Doug and the Freedom School. That was when everything changed. She had only gone down to the school to see what the big deal was. Everyone she knew had been talking about those "interferin' Yankees" trying to teach the coloreds their rights. The last part had always been said with the same sarcastic tone because in the South there was no such thing as coloreds' rights. The only people with any rights were the white folks, and according to everyone Bobbie had ever known that was the way it was supposed to be.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:17:45 -0600

Thanks. No, I didn't take that as rude at all. That's what I was looking for. I'm finding it really hard to get real feedback so this is great. It's actually high fantasy and it's prologue so I was trying to set the scene a little but I think I do need to reshuffle it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:20:24 -0600

1. Critique? Can't find any flaws with the actual prose, although that interruption of "So just why was she here?" seemed sort of unnecessary, to me. Kind of like something you'd read on the back of the book, or something. Like: Jack Slate has 24 hours to find his kidnapped wife, when a mysterious man in black shows up at his office. Just why was he here? And what connection did he have to Jack Slate? Find out in the riveting new thriller, THE KIDNAP GAME! Ahem. I am a very unprofessional critic, as you can tell. And, I must agree with Macabeak, when a character is named that unnaturally, it really pulls me out. It's sort of one of the things I dislike, because it seems like a very obviously "cool" name, the kind an anime hero would have or something (not that there's anything wrong with that.) However, since that could just be a personal pet peeve, it won't really affect my rating. Don't listen to me - the recent Hunger Games has some of the stupidest names I've ever laid eyes on, and it's getting immense praise. The story and the writing are what matters, and so far those are interesting. 2. Genre and age group? I want to say a thriller of some sort. And (forgive me for saying this again) because of the name Viridian, I also want to say Young Adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the damn page, man. Cool. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:27:05 -0600

1. Critique? The prose is elegant and limber (don't I have a way with words), descriptive, yet easy to read. The only problem with this is, based just on this first part, I have no idea if I would be the target reader for this. So, all I can say is that it's written very well. The only thing that seemed the least bit clunky was "summing it either for the novelty of it or from a lack of choice". I don't know why (therefore invalidating my opinion), but it doesn't seem to fit the effortless flow of the previous prose. I like the name Forest Bertrand to an extent. It feels interesting, perhaps from another time, but not too made up sounding. A very good nautical name, maybe. 2. Genre and age group? Probably historical or even nautical, adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, I guess. Like I said, I don't know if I would be interested in the type of novel it is, but technically it seems proficient. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A is all I can really give it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:31:33 -0600

Yes, Mary is 12, and atheist.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:34:04 -0600

First, I'm a Christian, so yeah, second, Mary is a unreasonable character, so that's her personality. Her parents are brand new Christians too, and she hates that they totally changed on her with new rules, etc. Thanks for the critique!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:35:27 -0600

1. Critique? First of all, I'm glad someone else is writing something like this kind of crap (I mean that very affectionately, as your crap surely is better than mine), besides me. I started to think everyone was writing about a middle aged man who loses his family and then kills himself, just another statistic; not the last in a long line of men pursued by a fatally introspective internal monologue. I like it, dude. The thing here is that, unlike a lot of books that may start off a plot hook, this one very nearly starts off with a WRITER hook. You know what the writer is about right away, even if you don't know what the plot is. I have to agree that the bracketed asides aren't as good as the sound effects, though. Also, "Heh.Alarm" shouldn't be capitalized. 2. Genre and age group? Just because of the cheeky acronym, I would like to guess Young Adult. It nearly reminds me of that book I read half of when I was younger, Artemis Fowl. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. The fact is, if it was free, I'd read it. I hope, with a touch of sadness and doubt, that you have secretly finished the novel, but have simply forgotten to update your word count. It sounds like something odd that may as well be written. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A, a grade based on a love of odd science fiction books, camaraderie, and a giant block of text describing exactly one thing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:38:22 -0600

1. Critique? This is likely not what you'd like to see, but hear me out to the end of this paragraph: I found nothing outstanding about this excerpt. I started this post 3 or 4 times and kept deciding not to write it because there just wasn't anything I had to say. It was actually FlameRaven's post that told me why I cared. Now, I said hear me out, so here's this: there isn't anything outstandingly good about it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, either. I mean, a couple of commas that ought to be semi-colons or periods, yeah, but better than most of the excerpts I've read in here on grammar. The word choice is fine, the intro is enough to pique the interest without being over-wrought or boring. It's fine. It's just not great. My one suggestion in terms of wording: in paragraph two, replace 'Merrill Rothschild' with 'he'. In the first sentence, replace 'he' with 'Merrill'. We find out he's a Rothschild at the end of p1; we don't need to repeated in the next sentence. Putting a full name in the first line is cliche and awkward; using a pronoun is almost as cliche and implies a desire for ambiguity; a single name seems moderately close to perfect if you want to refer to your character in the first sentence directly and don't care if people know who he is right away. Anyway. The reason I wrote this: @FlameRaven the Rothschilds are the wealthiest family in European history, and probably the most mysterious family in world history. Nobody really knows much of anything about them that isn't suspected by five other people to be a lie and they had more money than God. I have no idea what this story is about, but it has a Rothschild main character, so count me in for at least the length of the jacket blurb. 2. Genre and whatnot Honestly I want it to be urban fantasy or sci-fi with the Rothschilds getting up to crazy hijinks with their mountains of money, but I have no idea. It could be YA romance for all I know. 3. Grade B+ : Like I said, there's nothing wrong with it, but it needs a hook besides the family name. Give me a little mystery or conflict besides 'disaffected rich kid doesn't want to follow daddy's wishes'. I believe the accepted industry phrasing is, "Punch it up a little".

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:43:57 -0600

This is my peer novel so to speak for my NaNo, and I really want to publish, so I thought I'd put it up. Kaylie slowly sat down on her bed, hands on her head. She couldn’t believe that her father had turned so vicious. She stroked her face gently, looking into the cracked mirror, attempting to cover the bruises that now showed. “Kaylie!” Bellowed a gruff, deep voice. Kaylie stiffened. She had come to hate the sound of his voice. "Yes?" "Come here. NOW!" He yelled, his face red with anger. Kaylie's heart was pounding fast, fearful of what was to come. But she dared not show her fear. She quickly went to him, despite her fears, because she knew far worse would happen if she didn't obey. "Yes sir. What is it this time?" She asked quietly, her dark brown hair in her face. "You didn't finish!" He roared. “Haven’t you learned by now?" He yelled, slapping the side of Kaylie's face. Kaylie bent over in pain. Her face felt like it was on fire. Slowly, she got up. "I'll finish now." “Good. It better be finished by the time I get back.” Her father said, grabbing his coat and heading for the door. Kaylie got up and opened the door for her father. “Goodbye.” Kaylie breathed a sigh of relief as she heard the truck move away. “I better go check out that spot.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:45:09 -0600

1. Critique- Caught my attention. I like the imagry. "Dad says" and "remember" are a bit repetative and somewhat distracting. 2. Genre and age group- Teen fiction 3. Buy it or turn the page- I would certainly skim to see where this is going. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A with some good editing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

zoed — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:55:05 -0600

1. Critique? I'd swap the first two sentences, if you begin "Kaylie couldn’t believe that her father had turned so vicious. She slowly sat down on her bed, hands on her head." It generates SO much more interest in the story Minor things- it's unclear how she is attempting to cover bruises if all she's doing is stroking her face. I assume you mean she's putting foundation on? But if so, definitely need to clarify that. When the gruff, deep voice bellows it is clear that Kaylie knows who it belongs to immediately, so the reader should as well, and I would clarify by saying "the gruff, deep voice of her father." The word "Fear" is used too many times close together (fearful/ dared not show her fear/ despite her fears) The last thing is that for the beginning of a story I do find it a bit confusing, and would maybe add a bit more context to what Kaylie didn't finish. (This may be cleared up in the following paragraph). 2. Genre and age group? Realistic fiction, YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:55:27 -0600

Critique I must admit something: I'm skeptical about superhero stories unless they are drawn or animated. I've even been getting sick of the recent trend of "real life superheroes" in movies (such as Kick Ass, Super, etc). That said, this is interesting. For one thing, it isn't "cartoony", though "superhero team" did throw me off for a second. Anyway, the mention of "superhero team" brings up interest from me - wanting to know if superheroes are known to the public in this world, whether they're loved or hated or both - and also who the person trying to get in is (IE if there are supervillians as well). A couple things seemed a little clunky to me, namely the sentence that described her tone of voice and expression. I think it insinuates that she's serious (just having been built up from the point where she tells her son to hide) without the need to actually say "the expression of someone who is about to get serious" (which sounds a little silly, itself, but could also be slightly humorous, I'm not sure). The other thing I found odd was that he instantly identified the person as a murderer, and referred to him as such. Basically, the first paragraph was hit and miss - it had the interest, the pull of the story, but the writing was a bit uneven. The second paragraph had the emotion and the first developments of the character (or if not the first, the most visceral, as you learn that he's twelve and powerless to help what seems to be his only (surviving?) guardian. That part definitely pulled me in. Genre/Age Hard to say. Genre would have to be under fantasy (broadly) because of "powers" (unless it's explained scientifically or something). Age: Could be Adult, could be Young Adult. I guess it depends how gritty it is versus how fun or light it is. Obviously there are some "heavy" YA novels and some light Adult ones. I've heard some writers say that they don't set out with any specific audience in mind, so I guess it hinges on how violent or dark it gets overall. Turn Page/Buy I'd turn the page. It's interesting. Grade B (Less for prose than for story/compulsion to learn more, to be frank.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:55:57 -0600

1. Critique- The first and second sentences really need some work. The broomstick analogy is not necessary. After the third description of the shooting I was bored. I am left wondering how Olivia thought about all these things if she is dead, but I guess that is probably your intention. Overall, the grammar is troublesome. On the plus side, you have some great descriptive language. 2. Genre and age group? Adult thriller 3. Buy it or turn the page? With some editing I could get into it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:01:51 -0600

1. I would disperse your description of the girl instead of piling it up front. I wouldn't refer to her trainer as 'a man' because he is plainly something more than 'a' man. Perhaps a different phrase could be used, instead of 'light substance'? I think I know what you're going for there, but I'm not certain, and with a better word choice or phrase you could improve the description. As it is, the wording made me think her limbs were either going numb or she could see her arms start glowing even with her eyes closed. 2. Fantasy, but I can't tell the age group for certain. Probably a younger crowd simply because the MC seems to be a young girl. 3. I would turn the page. I have a soft spot for any fiction in which words control magic. 4. B/B- Easily higher with tweaking.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:01:53 -0600

1. Critique? I like the story! It is a little stilted. The first sentence in particular is awkward. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would like to read more. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:02:51 -0600

1. The poem isn't bad. I'm never a huge fan of authors who include poetry in chapter headings, as I often just skim over it, but anyway, on to the actual story: This is a very good opening section. Or, I should say, it's very interesting. Cyborg rats = instant interest (fun duology of words to say, too. INSTANT INTEREST is totally what a novelist should shoot for, and something that so rarely is achieved). Oddly enough, starting at "The woman, Dr. Sarah Smith", the prose gets awkward. The first bit was a nicely drawn scene, hinting at an authorial affection toward the rats (I could be completely wrong, though). I feel like the rats were very well described (except that I don't think "itching" is actually a word, at least not in this context), including their actions and appearances. Then the prose just seems to get very blunt and obvious: "... but it was needed for the experiment. Dr. Nicholas Luis and her planned to change the world." See what I mean? It's short and anti-climactic. It's just like, oh yeah? Gonna change the world, are you? 2. Science fiction. Possibly Young Adult, but it's always so hard to tell. 3. I'd turn the page, keep reading. 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:03:20 -0600

Thank you! I wasn't sure I liked my description and I knew I had a huge problem with overusing words. I appreciate the honesty!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:04:03 -0600

1. In general, I really like this excerpt, however some of the wording was a little weird to me. For example, "I was helping setting up the streamers". I think there should either be a comma between helping and setting or helping to set up the streamers. Other than that I really like it. For some reason, I have a feeling that the Church has something to do with the explosions and that the people that live in the town are in some kind of cult. Don't ask me why I feel that way--maybe it has something to do with the presence of a militia. 2. Adult Thriller 3. turn the page then possibly buy it if i like what i read. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The_Quillmaster — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:06:26 -0600

OK, I'll give this a go. [quote]A thin, tall girl speeds down the dusty road, long blond pigtails flying out behind her. Passerby turn and look at her, eyes filled with compassion. This girl is me. The dull thudding of my feet is all I can hear as I run. Our village, a dry grassless place, becomes a tan blur as I cry silently. The last house at the end of the row is mine. Simple, in the exact style of all the others, it’s nothing special. But little touches my mother has added − a lovingly sculpted and painted flower here, a checked handkerchief on a windowsill there − make it home. I notice none of these as I fling open the door, shake off my boots. To the left in the living room sits my father on the couch. He half-rises when he sees me, but gets no farther as I dash into his arms. “Is it true, Dad?” I choke out. He strokes my hair and nods. “It is.” Our family is made up of me, Toki; my father, Nikko; my mother, Zena; and my sister, eight- year- old Rosuto. My worshiper. My greatest friend. We are four years apart, a sizeable difference for most siblings, but we are inseparable.' Now she’s sick with − of all illnesses − dust fever. The fatal one without a cure.[/quote] This last sentence is only a fragment of a paragraph, but 200 words, so... that's what you get.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:08:01 -0600

Thank you! I really appreciate your advice. I didn't really like my intro either and I knew the description of the character was too soon... Now I can go fix it. :) THANK YOU!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lollem — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:08:50 -0600

1. I'm a little bored, to be honest. For the beginning, I want something that will catch my attention immediately, and waking up to alarms and dogs doesn't, possibly because I wake up to both every morning when I'm not at school. That said, aside from being uninterested in the 'wake up routine' beginning, there's nothing wrong with the actual writing. I'd definitely look for more details before I decided whether or not to read it. I'll admit - I really like the sentence "It ended painfully when she stepped firmly on a hard plastic squeaky toy, the resulting screech bringing a new level urgency to the barking." So, it might need to be spiced up a bit, but its a solid wake up routine. 2. YA, probably. School and 'slice of life' beginning seems to hint at that to me. 3. I'd flip to the back to check the blurb - turning the page would depend heavily on whether or not the blurb sounded interesting. 4. C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:09:39 -0600

1. Your writing is strong, definitely, but there's not much happening here. Of course, it's just the first 200 words! You might want a bit more of a hook, though, to capture reader interest, something to make me care about her last day of school. 2. Young adult fiction, I'm guessing. 3. I'd turn the page because the writing is strong. 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:10:56 -0600

1. Critique- I think it is slow starting. The second paragraph was much better than the first. It isn't clear with the first sentence that Awnn is a place. At first read, I thought Awnn was a person. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? Didn't really capture my attention enough to want to continue 4. Grade? (Letter System) C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:11:00 -0600

1. First, a compliment (shoot me, I break rules)- a gripping beginning! Now, a phrasing issue: when you say " if she hadn't been fleeing from them, she would have been ashamed of herself," what I believe you are trying to say is that if her mind wasn't focused on saving her neck from goons in bedsheets, she would have been able to be feeling ashamed. But the way it's written it implies more that because she is running from the KKK, she isn't ashamed. Do you understand the difference? Am I barking mad? It happens sometimes. 2. A sort of historical fiction from what I could gleam. I think an older age group. 3. On basis of the quality of writing, I would definitely turn the page-- but, and I hate to admit it, I am sicksicksick of books about the south, racism, and/or the KKK. I feel like I read enough of them in high-school alone to sate my taste for a lifetime, and none will ever scratch To Kill A Mockingbird. Anywho, I liked the writing, sorry to harsh the topic... 4. A-/B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:12:02 -0600

Will Mary change? I'm sorry I was so harsh by the way. I'm a bit crabby... o.O

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:12:59 -0600

1. An unfunny person has no business writing a parody. So, to wit: I don't believe you. You have the bone which contains humour. It's better written than a lot of attempts at humour on this site. It seems more like humour as written by an actual decent proseperson. That said, the parody IS quite thick. There's nothing wrong with that, though. At first, I cringed at the Dutchman's full name. Actually reading it again, though, I kind of like it. It seems like it could almost be real, and at least it's not "van AssButt" or something. It sounds vaguely real. (Aren't I mature?) Anyway, I cheated - I read your response. At first I thought the "scary music" was irritating author intrusion - psuedo witty fourth wall breakage - but when I learned that he thought his life was a music, I nearly smiled and instantly liked what I had read more. So, then - someone who just started the book would not know that, and it might seem a bit overdone. But clearly such an eccentric man deserves such eccentric prose. Also, what are you parodying in particular? Doesn't there have to be something? 2. You said it was a Parody, so that's what I'll "guess" it is. If you hadn't told me, I would have said Absurdist Comedy, because I'm not seeing any material that I personally am familiar with being parodied. But then again, I'm probably not that well read. 3. Turn the page. 4. B+ to A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:14:22 -0600

1. I'd agree with the person who read it for you. The first paragraph is a bit dull. Honestly, you could probably skip that whole first paragraph and go straight to what's going on with your character in paragraph 2. I found my mind wandering in paragraph 1. I prefer more concrete images instead of stuff like "essence of pure choice" and all that. And the last sentence confuses me a bit: "Simply put, it was freedom and it was tantalising." What is IT in this sentence? What was freedom? Your writing is good but it almost feels like you're trying too hard -- does that make sense? When you edit your work you should strive for more simplicity, perhaps. 2. Fantasy 3. I might not turn the page because my mind wandered in the first paragraph. 4. C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lollem — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:14:26 -0600

Sirens sounded, lights flashed, people ran and fro, shouting commands back and forth. A thousand frenzied reactions, it seemed like, with the ship's security alarms going off. The noise and flashing managed to multiply the reactions of the people - when the light flashed, somehow one running person became three. Overall, I thought the alarm sirens were a bad touch. They made everything more harried, people looked frightened and a little frantic, and it made it much harder for me to do my job. Fine tuning complex mechanics was difficult enough when you had perfect visibility and concentration, neither of which were one of the many wonders this alarm system granted. It also didn’t help that “Alarm!” flashing lights were nearly indistinguishable from the “Broken!” flashing lights. Everything had to be triple-checked, as I couldn’t count on a quicker examination - I might dismiss a flashing light as just an alarm. In space, the old axiom “better safe than sorry” always held true. Because sorry meant that you were freezing to death while your blood boiled and you suffocated. None of those were a pretty way to go, and a malfunction on a ship could cause any of them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:16:39 -0600

Thanks for the critique, and I definitely get what you were saying about that phrase. As I pasted it in here, I thought the same thing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:18:23 -0600

Thank you so much for the critique. I definitely repeat "Dad says" and "remember" too much. Thanks for pointing it out, because I didn't even notice it! I'll be fixing that right away!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:19:29 -0600

1. Well, you left me hanging- what's she hafta finish? What spot is she checking out? That's a compliment technically, not a critique, so onto critiques: I understand you're writing in 3rd person, but the line "He yelled, his face red with anger" is an illegal play in my book. One moment we were hanging over Kaylie's shoulder as she looked in the mirror, the next we're off next to the father, the next BAM! we're back with the girl again. It doesn't read well. Also, you say she got up twice. Both problems are easy fixes: just get rid of the description of his face and one of the two times Kaylie gets up. His anger is self-evident; the description of his face doesn't seem to add anything. 2. Fiction... mixed age group... this one is hard to tell. even books for kids seem to have so much violence in them these days. 3. I would turn the page. I need to know what's up. 4. A-/B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The_Quillmaster — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:20:14 -0600

1. Your first sentence is concise and gripping. It pulls the reader in. I want to know more - what is Barbara running from, what's happening? The follow-up sentence is alright. I think it could use a little bit more description of what Bobbie is feeling as she runs instead of just telling us what's happening, but pretty good. The explanation afterward is fine, (probably) necessary to the story, but it loses some of the tension your first sentence gave. I'm now only worried about Bobbie in the back of my mind as I go through this flashback. You don't need to put all the information on the first page. Maybe you could save the explanation for later, perhaps when Bobbie pauses to catch her breath or hides from the KKK? Other than this, I want to know what she did to be chased by the KKK if she's white! (I assume that it has something to do with the Freedom School, which could be another reason to save this information for later, just to retain a little bit of mystery in your chase scene.) Basically...I want to keep going! 2. Genre and age group? Historical fiction, pretty obviously... I would say YA so far. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I hardly ever voluntarily read historical fiction, so this is the greatest compliment I could give a writer of this genre: I would turn the page for sure. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:21:30 -0600

Oh, thank you. I hadn't realized that it was so unclear. I'm pretty notorious for doing that -- all of this stuff seems really clear to me, lol -- I tend to find it difficult to figure out what readers know, when I should explain further and when I'm patronizing them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:22:22 -0600

1. The second sentence needs to be split up somehow -- it kind of drags. You have a tendency toward long sentences with a bunch of commas, so you might work on simplifying things a bit. Other than that, I really like your writing and I love the notion of beginning with a death. It's a great hook -- I want to know who Olivia is, why she died, where you'll go next in the story. Will we go back in time to find out what happened? 2. Thriller or possibly literary fiction, for adults. 3. I'd probably buy it if the description on the jacket made me feel like it was more than just a regular thriller. 4. B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:24:49 -0600

Thanks. Yeah, I think I'll probably scrap most of the first paragraph. I broke a bunch of rules about starting with a hook etc. I'm glad this thread exists, because this is really the stuff I want to be hearing. Honest, constructive feedback is surprisingly hard to come by. Obviously I think it doesn't help if someone picks apart your writing because it makes them feel clever but 'It was good' isn't really much better. Hopefully once I fix it up, people will want to read on :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:27:25 -0600

1. Exciting! I love mysterious beginnings. Critiques: it's sort of okay to say someone is college-age by glancing at them, but not a student, unless they have a backpack on or are carrying books etc. I don't think you need that detail, and it distracted me because I immediately thought "how does she know they are students?" Same goes for that throwaway sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Unless she is going to end up with psychic powers, having her guess at random facts with seemingly no basis to do so isn't the best way to describe a situation to the reader. I would search for other more straightforward methods. 2. Mystery. Adventure. The Thrill. My guess: YA. 3. Turn the page, take it out of the library, but unless it's a cheap paperback no buy yet- I need to finish the first chapter. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:29:11 -0600

1.Critique- Awesome beginning. Great imagery. I love the way you explain her seeing the boots first. I am not sure that dust motes would be stong enough of a distraction at such a moment. I think it is just clear enough that it was what the character remembered. Maybe just replace "couldn't help being distrated by" with "I can still see" or "I stared at" or "I focused on"... 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy or Furturistic 3. Buy it or turn the page? I am not a fantasy fan, so I wouldn't buy it, but I would think, "Good author." 4. Grade? (Letter System) A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:35:22 -0600

1. Well written. Some small style problems: first sentence, last paragraph: shed a 'him' somehow, please! I hate repeat words. second sentence, same paragraph: I'd split that up, it's cumbersome. Overall advice: I'd try to make your descriptions more efficient. Fewer adjectives and/or phrases the better. Brevity is wit as they say. And, on that note, perhaps throw the reader a small bone here and give us something to grippable- like the words "unaware of the great danger soon to come." gotta love stuff like that. 2. Fantasy. It could be historical fiction, but I say fantasy. I'm unsure of the age group. 3. Turn the page. I would be curious to find out what the meat of the story was, the conflict, etc. I'd read the back/inside cover if I could. 4. B+/A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LuLiLa — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:36:17 -0600

Thanks for the feedback! The poems were just for additional word count XD. Hmm, itching isn't a word? Isn't to itch a verb? Or not? I am so clueless here. I do understand your point on the prose though it just sort of goes with the flow of my story in which each line is more from the opinion of the character describing it (even though it's third person) than a narrator. So that means sentences are often very opinionated to a certain character, as in, its more the character's thought rather than a description of what will actually happen. Thanks, I appreciate the help! ^^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:40:47 -0600

1. This is solidly written for the most part, although I had an unintentional giggle at "even a head" since it made me picture a sort of funny head with bandages and no body. As noted earlier, "So just why was she here" might be a bit heavy-handed or unoriginal, but I do feel you need some kind of break right there between Viridian's taking in what's happening around her and the doctor noticing she's awake. Perhaps you could cast it more in her voice, as a bit of internal monologue. No, you don't need to say "she thought" or, worse still, "she thought to herself." Just state the thought: What in the hell was happening? Where in the world was she? Who were are these people -- and why in the world was she in this unfamiliar room with them? My favorite details are the opening line and the character's name, Viridian. The fact that it is a bit unusual makes me, as a reader, think that either she's a very strong, unique woman or that I may be entering a world that's not quite this one -- perhaps an alternate reality, perhaps a fantasy story? Her name would be a key reason I'd keep reading at least another page or two. 2. Fantasy or alternate reality ... maybe a thriller. Adult or YA, need to read more to know. 3. Turn the page. 4. C+ -- Nothing really stands out in the set-up or writing; it feels kind of high-average to me now. Depending on what happens, grade could go way up or way down. I hope this is helpful. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:50:22 -0600

1. Criticisms: not much here for style/grammar critiques tbh. Only thing I see is an 'and' lacking in the sentence: "I notice none of these as I fling open the door, shake off my boots." fling open the door AND shake off your boots. 2. Fiction, and beyond that have't a clue yet. I'd guess a younger readership, YA or below. 3. Turn the page for sure! 4. A- I really liked it. I hope you can keep up that present tense; for some reason I find it a pain to write in. I immediately felt for the girl, and understood a lot about her world, in only 200 words. Good job.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:50:55 -0600

I could sense them nearby, five vices traveling the slipstream. Their auras were dormant, but they were approaching a point of contingency. Chances were they were here to deploy as a scouting force. They would be perfect prey for me. District U was in a night phase right now. Its metal facades, spotted with golden windows, decorated with colorful awnings, striped with catwalks, were candy to my eyes. It was an abandoned world, yet the spirits that lived here yearned for life so greatly that they kept the city running as if its populace were still extant. District U was comprised of buildings knitted together by a superstructure that was so large some said it never ended. Hovertaxis whizzed through its canyons, empty and looking for residents to carry. Mailbots rolled along its catwalks, stopping at every residence for ten minutes, just in case anyone had a package for them to deliver. No one ever did, not for six years. The slipstream contingency points had been key objects of contest in the battle for District U, which the inhabitants had lost. Thus most of the CPs were inside piles of wreckage, wreckage that used to be glorious hubs of interworld trade. The one the vices were approaching was no different.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:04:58 -0600

1. This opening is an interesting set-up. A ship full of aristocrats slumming it for novelty or poverty -- and a man with a seemingly fake name who is a bit of a social oddity in his own country? Color me intrigued. I don't like to closely edit nano work because it's necessarily rough first-draft material ... but I would change "occupants" to "passengers" so the reader doesn't think of them as being permanent inhabitants of the boat (which I did until the sea-sick bit. That told me they are not regularly on the water.) And I think that you mean, "They all kept to themselves" when you describe how they avoid interaction with each other. I am a bit concerned over the logic of the set-up. If people aboard this ship generally dislike interacting with one another, why would Bertrand have to avoid questions of his country of origin? It doesn't seem to me like they would inquire. Also -- if they are all from different countries (European?) and this is a period piece (1800s?) I would think they'd be pretty good at figuring out where others hail from. Different languages, different clothing styles, social customs, etc. would give things away. Btw, I think you do need to identify Bertrand's native country for the reader. It seems a bit coy to state common prejudices/beliefs about people from that country but to not say where it is. And is it truly important to make that distinction with this character? It seems a little unrealistic to think that merely being quiet and bookish would make one appear to be wholly unlike one's countrymen. 2. Historical fiction - adult or ya 3. Turn the page. 4. B-minus. Above average but needs refinement to really stand out. I'm glad you overcame your fear and posted this excerpt, and I hope my comments are helpful. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lollem — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:31:35 -0600

1. Super small thing here, but if there's no indenting, I prefer that you double space between paragraphs. I seen that long, unbroken line of text on the far left, and my mind screams "text block of doom!" even if I know its only 200 words, and I can see the gaps on the right side. You've definitely got me intrigued. I want to know more about what's going on, and your world building is leaving me curious about what made this word what it is. Your description is full of great visuals, so I can almost see your desolate district and I want to know why its like that. On the downside to your description - you've got a tendency towards long sentences, though it isn't inherently bad. "Its metal facades, spotted with golden windows, decorated with colorful awnings, striped with catwalks, were candy to my eyes." Throughout that whole sentence, I kept waiting for the sentence to finish, which made it difficult for me to focus on what all those descriptive phrases were saying. 2. Sci-Fi/Dystopian, Hard to judge age group. 3. Definitely turn the page, maybe buy if the subsequent page holds up. 4. B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Princeshelby — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:32:03 -0600

To be quite honest, most of the time I was confused. While it is good to start in the middle of the story sometimes, this was either not he case or it needed to start at a different point nearby. Maybe if I could read the rest of the book it would all come together, but just from reading that I had way too much to try to piece together. Maybe try to describe a little bit more about what a slipstream and a vice is, first? Sorry, I don't read much sci-fi, so maybe it would make perfect sense to someone who does. If so, ignore all of the above. Once I figured everything out, it was an interesting concept; one that I personally have not heard of before. I also didn't see any technicalities that needed fixing. So.... 2. Definitely sci-fi, not really any particular age group, just not YA. 3. Turn the page but not buy; I would just be interested to see what the plot was, who the character is, and what on earth a vice is :) 4. I would give it a B+ or and A-, mainly because it needs a little bit more description.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Princeshelby — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:04:16 -0600

Here is mine (I know that we aren't supposed to explain anything, but I wanted to let you know that this is a paragraph from the beginning, but it is not the opening paragraph. Really sorry to break the rules, but I couldn't post the opening paragraph since it hasn't been written yet.) Mo sat there looking at the window, thinking. Literally looking at the window, not through. It still had some stubborn fingerprints from years ago, back when when she was little, and a few still there from a couple of weeks ago, when she would sit up there think as she was now, and tap her fingers on it as if playing an invisible piano solo. If only she knew how to actually play piano, she could say that genuinely and not just continuously tell herself she was doing something besides tapping erratically on a window at five in the morning. It was still relatively dark outside. She was awaiting the sun’s arrival in the sky, just as she did every morning. It was almost time for it to make its appearance; the first rays were coming over the horizon, announcing the forthcoming of their origin. The town was visible on the opposite horizon, over westwards of the house. Mo could just barely make out the dim silhouettes of the lighthouse and Fort Screven off in the distance. Those were the biggest buildings she had seen thus far in her life, and she had sat up in that cupola examining them enough times to draw a detailed picture of each from memory.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

amazonsei — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:15:55 -0600

Rhino Beetles. Ugh. One of the ugliest looking bugs in the Amazon. I flick him off the side of the boat just as we hit a hard current and a huge splash of water hits me in the face and drenches my shirt. I spit out water. Green. Slimy. River. Water. "Emma got baptized!" Half of the crew is laughing. I push my messed up hair back from my face and try not to give in. It is kind of funny. If only it wasn’t me. "Oh Laaaawd!" the old lady sitting across from me shouts. “Your blouse!”’ Honestly, when I first saw that lady I didn’t think she would be able to step onto the boat. Until, that is she pushed me out of the way to get on the boat first while telling me to respect my elders. She couldn’t be younger than seventy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

creatorx2 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:20:22 -0600

IN MY OPINION. Obviously in my opinion. Although I was mostly annoyed with the insincerity of the fuck. It seemed to me like it was slapped on for the purpose of its own existence, and its placement in the text is kind of awkward and annoying. Even if it was another word in there, my advice would still have been to take it out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

amazonsei — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:24:57 -0600

1. Critique? I like this! But I guess the first sentence isn't a grabber. oh, I like "as if playing an invisible piano solo" I think this part: " It still had some stubborn fingerprints from years ago, back when when she was little" kind of maybe doesn't make sense, how would they be there?? I don't know...unless it has something to do with the story? 2. Genre and age group? Not sure maybe a mystery and a teen book? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A- because I really like it. (Sorry I never critiqued anything before, really)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:30:59 -0600

1. Critique? My first thought reading through your passage is--where is the conflict? What's are the motivating factors? Where's the inciting incident? You have some little hints that your character is dissatisfied, which is good--she seems to be wishing for more adventure and intrigue. But you can pretty simply state that and move on to the action. Just a thought. Also: "sit up there think": I think you need an "and" in there. Also, the sentence this is from is 50 words long (51 if you count the omission). Cut it down, it's a run-on. "The town was visible on the opposite horizon, over westwards of the house." Take out "over westwards of the house." Assume your reader knows that the sun rises in the east, the direction she's looking. You're taking time away from getting to the action. Maybe when you have your opening paragraphs this will fit in better, but right now it seems a bit too expository and not quite enough like a true opening--the thing with which you want to grab your reader by the lapels and force them to go on reading. 2. Genre and age group? I suspect it's a YA adventure of some sort, possibly fantasy as well? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page--back, possibly several times, to find the part that grabbed me and made me get to this passage. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

catwritewell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:42:14 -0600

“In the moonlight her hair was like a blonde nimbus. Suddenly, the nimbus flared red, faded to pink and then dimmed to gray. After that there was only a void,” Beth read aloud. She tapped a pencil against her front tooth, the one that protruded a bit from the otherwise perfect row. With a small smile, she tossed the sheet of paper aside and stared over the top of her reading glasses at the silver-haired man leaning across her large, oak writing desk. “I like your opening, George, but why does it sound familiar?” she asked and then spun to a low bookcase. She ran her slender finger across the spines of the specially bound first edition books, stopping at a fat volume in the middle. “Nimbus, blonde nimbus? No nimbus, but a blonde halo! I knew we had used that opening before.” Beth laughed and thrust the open book at her writing partner. George grimaced as he read the first sentence. “You’re right, but the context is completely different! And I wrote this a decade ago!” Beth took the book from him. “Let’s leave the opening sentence for now. How are you coming with the outline?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ziairi — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:50:22 -0600

I glanced around the dark alley. No people around, and no security system in sight. Good, I might actually get something to eat today. I took the last few steps towards the garbage can behind the convince store. I very gently lifted the lid off and leaned it against the can. It looked like there was some good stuff in the can alongside all of the trash. I began to dig through the aluminum can. I smile to myself as I pull out a can of soup. That would be good for dinner for both me and Timothy. I slide it carefully into my bag and I continued to look. Among all of the trash, I saw a copy of today's newspaper and and placed it into my bag. I see a pencil tossed in there. The lead was broken, but I could get it sharp again. That also found it's way into my bag. All of the sudden, a gust of wind blew down the alleyway and sent the lid rolling noisily along the pavement. I winced and almost froze, but I quickly started stuffing anything that I could get my hands on into my bag.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

clynn07 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:51:42 -0600

Thanks for your critique :) The first few chapters are far and away the weakest ones in my novel, and this gave me some good ideas for what to look for/how to tighten up the writing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:59:17 -0600

It was so easy to get out of one’s depth. This was a perfect example, she thought, as she floated in the clear waters of the Three Sisters. If there were anything that would so perfectly illustrate how she was out of her depth, it was snorkeling here. Andre had pulled down the kayaks, and woken her at six with a cup of coffee, a plate of eggs, and the announcement that they were going on an adventure. She smiled at that idea. She didn’t bother to tell him that their whole relationship was an adventure. To be honest, she hadn’t understood how Andre had known the way into the springs. The entry was blocked off with concrete pillars erected at the mouth of the channel, upon which multiple “No Trespassing” signs were posted. Somehow, he’d known. They tied up the kayaks and entered the forbidden zone. The sun streaked through the mangroves, filtering through and creating the kind of light that captures dust motes and holds them like glitter in a snow globe. Liz stuck her face into the water and watched tiny fish swimming around their feet. Andre reached out and they swam on, holding hands.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:00:38 -0600

Steam, factories, and Prime Minister Shanley, are the things that made Swyndell superior compared to the rest of the world, and what made Louisa Hewitson want to die; for life seemed broken and love seemed lost. Louisa assumed life and love were somewhere between the officers that patrolled the daytime, and the drunks and prostitutes that paraded the streets at night time. A secret entry she might never find, she thought. Smoke poured out from hundreds of cylinder pipes onto the common gray atmosphere in the industrial district; it was twelve years, and some odd days since Louisa had seen a blue sky. On the streets were amateur steam-powered locomotives wheeling by, carrying those of power and wealth. Anywhere in the industrial district was a factory, but one held Ms. Hewitson. It was Mr. Doonacan’s Android Factory, the only factory in the whole city that made such a contraption. Louisa had been working there for a year, which was when it first opened, welcoming as many unlucky working-class people as possible. Even after working there a year, she still didn’t have the slightest clue what the androids were made for, but one day she knew she would find out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:13:36 -0600

Gah, I'm sorry. I actually did read the instructions but it didn't sink in. I'm surviving solely off caffeine and I think I'm about to keel over dead but that's not a good excuse. Hopefully my critique wasn't pointless.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:14:40 -0600

1. Critique? Vivid, intriguing, a little humor sprinkled in. A good start. I'd like it if there were a better transition between '"Your blouse!"' and "Honestly...". It feels sudden. Perhaps some insight on what Emma's reaction is to getting drenched, more than just "If only it wasn't me." Perhaps something along the lines of "I didn't even realize it was soaked until she pointed it out. And honestly..." But that's just me. I'm definitely curious about Emma's role on this watercraft. Does she frequent it? Know the captain? Obviously the crew knows her by name and are amused, but she doesn't seem to be much, which suggests she doesn't experience this particular drenching very often. 2. Genre and age group? I'd guess Adventure or Mainstream fiction, for young adults (20-40 or so). 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, I want to know more about Emma's role and what's happening here. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:22:51 -0600

1. Critique? Nice start! I was a bit worried at the first line, till I got into the premise. No offense, but it's the style of opening that screams "trite" to me, for some reason. It's well-written, it just...doesn't appeal to me. But, I'm glad I read on. There's a very nice balance of dialogue, action, description, and enough tension to pull the reader in. You definitely have me curious about this writing duo, I just hope there's some exciting scenes throughout the novel, to keep my interest. 2. Genre and age group? Literary fiction, or heck, maybe a Romantic Mystery? Adult audience. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. I'd want to see what type of action was about to happen first to find out if it was really going to keep my interest. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:37:54 -0600

In any city, there was always the human element. It was anywhere that people dropped their bags and took residence. Of course, New York, being the largest city in the United States, had more of that human element. People loved, and people hated. There was always more money made in trying to eradicate a hated party than in re-igniting the fires of love. Hitmen roamed all over the city; from shadowy corners that parents often warned their teenage daughters about, to the bright lights of Manhattan, and even being one of the beaux escorting women to the ballet. With any situation, different hitmen were better than others, and the better ones commanded higher prices. Being a hired gun was a lucrative industry, and one that Everett Belvidere had lucked out on. The black Porsche purred underneath the large foot pressing against the gas. Everett’s elongated fingers guided the wheel through streets crammed with traffic. A normal person would have thought it as otherwise impossible to maneuver through the bumper-to-bumper traffic that was endemic of New York streets. Everett, however, had no problem with it. He was uncouth enough to cut someone off in traffic without a second thought. There was money to be made, and Everett never turned down the opportunity to kill a man and reap a handsome amount for his services.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:39:38 -0600

(this is not the opening paragraph, btw)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:44:57 -0600

Awnn was the most beautiful in those sparing moments when the moon had fallen but the sun had yet to peek over the horizon. The city held its breath and the sky, like curls of molten ore, whispered of unspoken secrets and unfulfilled possibilities. They were not secrets that Irida Amaya would ever hear or possibilities that she would ever see achieved. She moved a finger to trace the simple pendant about her neck. Paused. That familiar weight was gone. It was so strange. That chain had hung at her throat for so long that she felt naked without it. Normally, grey mornings such as this one calmed her. Now the rain-heavy clouds only reflected the mists of the ether, above the stars. The force that had created the world was not meant to be sentient. It should welcome back her stained soul as though it were purest light. That was no longer such a comforting concept. If the ether were truly only a force of nature, as she had always believed, they why did people pray to it? The sun began to rise, bleeding scarlet over her silver sky. Her pain flared anew. Should she have fled? Was she giving in to selfish pride or were her decisions justified?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:46:13 -0600

1. "No people around, and no security system in sight" - this doesn't flow well. It feels fragmented. While I do believe that this may have been your intent, it would flow better if you said "No one around." 2. It seems that you change your tenses a lot. Initially, you're describing something that happened, and then you go into real-time. If you're going to use a real-time, present tense, use it throughout. 3. 'All of the sudden' - it's actually "All of a sudden'. 4. I feel a sense of desperation and I'm getting a very good idea of what it's like to be homeless just from this passage. There is an element of danger in being caught, but gratification when something as minor as soup and pencils and such are found. Grade: Solid C. (75/100) I would turn the page, And It seems to me that this is more of a realistic fiction.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:49:59 -0600

Nicole leaned against the chain-link boundary between flea market booths. She closed her eyes and drifted into the sounds and smells in the large metal building - dust and rust and bargaining, exaggerated assurances, doubtful replies, children running; in the wake of one of those children, hot grease and mustard. Corndogs. “That’s it,” she opened her eyes and stood straight again. “Food court time.” A few feet away her best friend Donna considered an array of glass shoes. A rumpled man addressed her with over-emphasized sincerity. Nicole positioned herself behind him, closed her eyes and made the slightest movement with her head. “No.” Donna sighed and stepped back, “I think I’d better think about it,” she said to the man, and took another step to indicate he should stop his efforts to convince her. She knew that look on Nicole’s face. She had felt something from the man, and she was always right. The two met in the concrete hallway. “Food court.” Nicole declared. “Corn dogs are calling.” “You sure about the shoes?” Donna asked. “They looked like the ones I remember my grandmother having.” “You can get them to remind you of your grandma,” Nicole replied, “but they’re not worth what he was telling you. Something about…” she tried to put into words the images she almost had in her mind. “I don’t know. I need grease and processed meat products. And lots of mustard, and maybe nachos.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:51:44 -0600

1. Critique? Interesting. When you go back and edit, try not to say 'can' so much. You change tenses a little but again, that's something to fix in editing. It's a nice hook, your second paragraph. I want to know why the MC is suddenly in a hurry and why a gust of wind is scary. You have a good narrative voice, which probably means a nicely developed POV character. 2. Genre and Age Group? Um, it's a little hard to say from this. I'm getting a YA/fantasy vibe but I might be totally off base. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. I want to see why the wind is scary. 4. Grade? B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:55:17 -0600

The whip cracked. Akir flinched, and almost lost his grip on the rough beam. Darkness burn you, I am moving. Reaching up with his right, he pulled himself higher, not wasting time to look behind. The lash hadn't made contact; it might have been only a warning, or he was too high up. Sweat stung fiercly in the one that had accompanied the order to climb the pile. Both his palms were already scraped and a splinter sat deep in the left. Something sharp had cut his leg right below left knee, but it had to take care of itself for now as he didn't have his shirt to tear some stirps for a bandage. Akir shook his head, he could't afford to get distracted on the precarious climb. A sense of urgency had been building in the quarry the last few months, and by now every small hitch in production made the foremen jumpy. He chanced to lock gazes with Kanek, who struggled beside him. His friend grimaced and grit his teeth; Akir could see the red stripe growing on a shoulder, and closed his eyes for a moment. Even the foremen should realize that can't make us try any harder.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:56:05 -0600

I feel like this repeats itself needlessly. It's confusing and incoherent. It's unnecessary to say that The Host likes 17-year-olds three times. You don't do this age thing once - you do it twice. I felt myself reading it and shouting "Out with it!" at my computer screen. It feels like a conversational style, but I'm noticing the problem of telling, versus showing. While this may be the intent of your novel, it doesn't read very well at all. This has got to be completely rewritten so that it's much more coherent. In terms of comedy, this has a promising start, and I'm not willing to write it off or see it written off because it could very well get funnier and more coherent as the fiction goes on. Grade? C- (70/100) Buy it or turn the page: Neither. Genre: YA, Comedy

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:59:55 -0600

1. Critique? I don't know if it's against the rules to comment on other critiques. I'm not saying that everyone's different opinions are not valid but personally I don't have a problem with the line 'Lyla knew she was in the air'. It seems appropriate and I actually liked it. The sentence 'she dared not to open her eyes' is fine in that word order for me, just ditch the word 'to'. I also don't have a problem with legs holding power. I'd say my legs held power, thanks to the uber-calves I inherited :P Horses for courses I guess. I think you should wait a little bit longer to do the description of the MC. It needs to be soon but maybe not in the first paragraph. Other than that I like it. Magic/fantasy is completely down my alley :) 3. Buy it or turn the page? This seems like something I'd read. Sure, it could probably use a little bit of polishing but it still reads quite nicely. 4. Grade? A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:02:21 -0600

Firstly, thank god for you. 1. You place the reader right into the thick of the South. My grandmother would be able to read this and while she wouldn't entirely identify with the character because she's a white woman in the South, she would identify with the Civil Rights movement and the Klan. You are courageous for actually daring to write about a chapter in history that many people love to gloss over and pretend never existed, and for that, you have my absolute respect. Your writing is vivid without being pretentious. Wonderful, wonderful job. Genre: Historical Fiction I would PURCHASE this. Grade: Solid A. (95/100)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:08:20 -0600

1. Critique? I almost didn't make it past the first sentence. "In any city ..." I don't know exactly why, but it annoyed me. I'm glad I kept reading though, because you had some good stuff in the following sentences. You did a good job of painting a dark, crime-ridden setting. That was great. The thing you need to guard against is in too many words or in an unplanned comic phrase. For example, if you started, "Every city has the human element. New York, being the largest city, has more than most," your beginning would be stronger. The second paragraph begins, "The black Porsche purred underneath the large foot." By the time I got to "foot" I had the image of a giant foot sitting on top of black Porsche, and it made me laugh. Laughing, obviously, breaks the mood you worked so hard to create. Sometimes things don't always come across the same way to our readers as they sound in our head. One more before my summary: "and even being one of the beaux escorting women to the ballet." I was completely confused here until I realized that "beaux" was the plural form of beau (I had to look it up online). At least among my friends, we don't use the term enough to know the plural form, and so the sentence was confusing and again broke the mood. All that said, there was enough about sleazy cities and hitmen to keep me reading. There were some good, descriptive sentences in there. I just think they would be even stronger if you eliminated a lot of the words, phrases, and sentences that aren't pulling their weight. 2. Genre and age group? Mystery/thriller/suspense 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:09:50 -0600

I feel like your description is a bit out of place. While one of my favorite authors (Margaret Mitchell) does this in her writing, I feel like physical descriptions should not be done in the opening lines of the fiction unless it is to make a point. It doesn't seem like you're making a point at all. This could be moved further down. 2. Find another term other than 'defined'. You use it twice. It's a personal issue, but other than names, I never try to use the same word in a paragraph - or even page - more than once. 3. The first paragraph does not flow well, but it corrects itself in the other paragraphs, so it seems that whatever you may have done in the first paragraph, you noticed it and righted it. Grade? Solid B. (85/100) Genre: YA, Fantasy Buy or Turn the Page: Absolutely turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:25:52 -0600

Ben grabbed a copy of USA Today as he, Doris, and Maude exited the store together. "I'll see you guys tomorrow," said Maude as she pushed her overloaded shopping cart toward the sea of cars in the parking lot. "She certainly has confidence," said Ben as he watched Maude step boldly in front of an approaching SUV. Tires squealed as the SUV lurched to a halt. "Or stupidity," said Doris. "What if the driver hadn’t been looking?" Ben beat the newspaper rhythmically in his hands. "That's not what I meant," he said. He paused his drumming and looked over at Doris. "Buying that much stuff, she must believe that we're going to survive tomorrow's little adventure." Doris sneered. "Oh, that," she said. "Well maybe she knows something that we don't.." She paused, then abruptly changed the subject. "I'm hungry." She turned and strode off towards the hot dog stand. Ben followed behind like a lost puppy. "What could she know?" he asked as he tried to keep up. "She knows less about this than any of us." Doris stopped suddenly, turned, and stuck her nose in his face. "But what do we know about her?" He could smell alcohol on her breath. He took a step back to create some distance. "She's a waitress," he said. "Other than that ..." "Other than that, nothing," said Doris, finishing his thought. "I don’t trust her."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MatthewH — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:40:05 -0600

1. The first sentence is a bit awkward with that many commas. The first paragraph maybe repeats that the lights are flashing a bit too much too, three mentions in three sentences to me starts to feel a bit like you're labouring the point. The second half of the last paragraph sort of feels like it's just stating the obvious to anyone used to sci-fi too, I'd think letting us know what the alarm's about might draw in more attention than explaining that things going wrong in space is a bad thing. There's a few more bits that need the usual post-NaNo editing, but that might be getting too nit-picky. 2. Sci-fi, not clear if it'll be more towards the hard end focusing on the technology or not. Don't know about age group, but probably not YA. 3. It's not grabbing me and forcing me to turn the page, the setting of a slightly annoyed engineer on a seemingly poorly run spaceship has some promise to it but nothing in the story's really caught me. If I had plenty of spare time I might read on a bit further to see if it goes anywhere, though. 4. Around C+/B-, but I might be a bit cruel.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lisa.Vail — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:44:47 -0600

Thanks for the critique :) I'll try and add more explanation and perhaps some more 'hooks' in the intro. ^^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lady Riss — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:58:14 -0600

I agree. I was actually just talking about that (about the misplaced description). I had my sister read my story when it was just a 34 page toddler and she said I waited too long to describe her. Talk about jumping the shark with my revision. And thank you for your critique and grade! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarlequinDream — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:03:09 -0600

“‘...A bully on land and a bucko at sea...’“ Amongst the rattling of the cannons recoiling and the preceding booms of their shot firing at the enemy, no one heard the eighteen-year-old midshipman singing to himself. Even he barely heard the words. “Reload!” His shout rang out, heard and echoed by his fellows down the line. No man at any of the three guns under his command truly replied to him. Rather, they set about obeying the order. One man swabbed the cannon, twisting the dry bristles as he drew the tool out. The next man seized a bag of gunpowder from the seven-year-old boy who had hurried over with it in his bucket. The man jammed the bag into the gun. Beside him, yet another man waited with a rammer. He moved forward and pushed twice on the bag of powder, forcing it down deep into the gun. Then a rag was shoved down against the powder in the same manner. Another man thrust a wet sponge down the gun and drew it out. The last man rolled a cannon ball into the muzzle. The first took his place beside and behind the gun with his lint stock. Another man pierced the bag of powder through a small hole in the gun, and the first man waited. The process took one minute and ten seconds.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:27:55 -0600

Critique: Quite good. I like this type of historical fiction, and you did a good job of describing the action. As far as things to improve, I would suggest moving "no one heard ..." to the beginning of the sentence to give immediate context to "... A bully on land and a bucko at sea ..." so that we know it is lyrics to a song being sung. In the third sentence of the second paragraph, take out the word "truly." It doesn't add anything, and makes the sentence awkward. To make your description even better, add in a few smells - the smell of burning gun powder or sweat-soaked men. Finally, think about changing words such as "another man" to "a third man" (or whatever the number happens to be) so that at the end the reader knows exactly how many men were involved in the process instead of the vague idea that there are a lot of men involved. Genre: Historical fiction/adventure Buy it or turn the page: I would buy this one Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lisa.Vail — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:30:32 -0600

Okay, I'm gathering from all this that, while the wording only needs a few tweaks, it really needs a pull or a strong intro to get people to read, is that what people are saying? Perhaps a little more plotline showed at the start to make it more interesting?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MatthewH — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:31:17 -0600

1. I'm a sucker for that sort of atmosphere building by trying to give the place character as well as the fantasy religious bit, so you've got me at a bit of an advantage. The way you've described the ether and her beliefs of it is a bit confusing, but it's mostly in a way that makes me want to read more to see if it ends up being explained better. The way the writing flows might need a few touch ups, but it looks decent overall. I'd be a bit worried if you carry on that level of description through the book though, what you've got there's pretty good but if you're doing it the whole time it'd probably end up out in purple prose territory. 2. Fantasy, but I'm not too sure of much beyond that. 3. You've definitely got me to turn the page and see a bit more. 4. A-, I'm allergic to being too positive.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MatthewH — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:39:03 -0600

“Quickly. There’s one on the way,” Amelia insisted as Tony sprayed their picture onto the side of a low wall. Someone out of Greek - or maybe Roman, they didn’t know - mythology, spear raised in hand with an armoured body beneath his foot and the word ‘rise’ printed below. A weak siren rang at them, barely above the sound of the traffic overhead. “It’s only one scout. No need to panic,” Hine replied. “And that one scout will call in more too soon.” She grabbed Hine’s arm, pulling her away. “Get moving, Tony!” she called back as he fumbled to put the stencil and spray can away in his bag. “Yeah, I’m coming. He barely looks interested,” he said as he broke into a jog. Their readouts showed the scout’s path, meandering along past the small market hidden behind a row of apartments. “People there must be keeping him busy for us.” Amelia marked a spot around a few corners and well out of sight on their maps. “We’ll put another one there and call it a day.” They ran on as they saw the little blue dot come to a stop where the last picture went up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:21:41 -0600

No problem. :) It's just not my genre or age group that will cause me not to buy it (I didn't know who Tom Petty was--I thought you made him up--and I didn't know the song you referenced). Maybe I'm too young haha.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:30:03 -0600

1. Critique? I think you should choose to start the novel at a point where your actual plot starts. I'm not sure if your actual novel's plot is about Lyla's flying classes, but it probably isn't. I felt like I wasn't getting the story right away and would have had to browse maybe a few more pages just to know what this novel is about. You might want to delete this entire thing, or move it, and start at the point where your action begins. Or you could give us a little world building and relate it to the character. That would serve as a nice hook. Other than that, disperse the character description. Give us a trait every now and then until the character's image has slowly formed in our minds. Also the quotes should be in new paragraphs. It sort of bothered me to see "Again!" in the first paragraph. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, YA or MG 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither yet. 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:32:29 -0600

Thanks! Yay, first critique where someone said they'd read on (although I totally deserved the ones where people wouldn't). I'll bear in mind that people get tired of description fast.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:35:56 -0600

1. Critique? I am first of all not American, so I have no idea what these cultural references are (I have no idea what the Ku Klux Klan is). That said, it really sounds intriguing to me. I want to know more. I can find no problem in phrasing except for this one phrase: "and according to everyone Bobbie had ever known that was the way it was supposed to be." I think you want to add a comma after "everyone Bobbie had ever known." I can't find anything wrong with it. Really gripping beginning here. Great job! 2. Genre and age group? Apparently it's historical. 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:47:47 -0600

1. Critique? I like how this is dramatic. Just that the first sentence is not gripping. You might want to move either the second or third sentence to become the new first sentence (if you choose the third sentence, you'll need to rephrase). "Yes sir. What is it this time?" sounds disrespectful to my ears. Why did she have to say "this time"? She's already afraid of her father. Maybe she should just say "Yes sir. What is it?" The red with anger part, she couldn't have known that. Kaylie was clearly not looking at her father and yet she described him. You might want to remove the sentence or add in "She could just imagine his face: red, flushed with anger." Also the father seems bipolar. I don't think that's what you were going for. One moment he's angry, the next he's not. He should continue to be angry as he leaves the door. He wouldn't be saying "Good. It better be finished by the time I get back" if he's angry. Instead, change it into a threat. Just a little suggestion: "If you don't finish by the time I get back, I will cut you." If you swear in your book, you could add in some swearing in the father's dialogues for additional effect. Overall, the drama is there, but the "path" doesn't seem outlined. Their dialogues could definitely be better ("Haven't you learned by now?" would be much better as "Are you stupid?"--he's mad and unreasonable, so make him absolutely that). 2. Genre and age group? Drama. Could be Chick Lit. 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:54:49 -0600

1. Critique? Nice, but there are some parts that could be better. For example, if she really noticed none of the sculpture or handkerchief, then why did she mention them in the narration? Also, the starting paragraph is very generic. It's like describing the weather. "A [adjective] sky sets [adverb] over the [adjective][adjective][adjective] land." It has no hook or grip because it is a lot of telling, not showing. I'm not against telling in general, but it doesn't work here. The hook for me was the last sentence here, about dust fever. I suddenly want to know what dust fever is. Overall, you just need to edit it in and add some meat to the bone. I like that you use present tense in first person POV btw. =] 2. Genre and age group? Fiction. MG or YA 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:00:54 -0600

1. Critique? I noticed that your long second sentence isn't a sentence. It's a fragment. Consider revising. The setting is confusing. Traffic overhead made me think of cars on a highway, though there's a wall, and Tony broke into a jog, so that can't be right. Maybe you were referring to a congested crowd of people, rather than cars. It's important to make this distinction. Overall, this didn't interest me. I have no idea what the plot is about except maybe they're chasing something. But this something they're chasing, I have no idea what it is, and so I am not interested in it. Maybe if you give it a name, it will sound appealing. 2. Genre and age group? Can't say. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =[ 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:06:30 -0600

1. Critique? This is really, really cute. I have nothing more to say. There is nothing to "correct." I love it. =] 2. Genre and age group? Romance probably. YA 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:15:18 -0600

1. Critique? You opened with a generic weather description twice. That is bad. This is probably what people talk about when they say too much description. I also noticed that after reading through the excerpt, I know nothing about the plot. There is no conflict. All I know is she's in some nice place, thinking about something bad. That's, well, bad. If you can, could you push us right into the start of the plot? Hook us with the conflict. Right now, it's very generic. Also, there are thick layers of "fat" here. Too much description on (and here's the more important part) things that are irrelevant to the story. The light, the ether... I'd okay those if they were far in the middle of the book, but not in the beginning. Again, you just basically have no hook. Give us something that will absolutely make us interested in turning the page. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy? Idk really. Probably MG. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =[ 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:56:00 -0600

1. Critique? Really nice. I have nothing to critique, so I just wanted to say this is a really great opening. There aren't too much words you don't explain, so it isn't much of an info overload. On top of that, you used really nice visuals. I can see District U in my head and feel a sort of sadness that all the robots inside it are still working, and have been working for 6 years, thinking they're still useful when, in fact, they're not. 2. Genre and age group? Sci Fi. 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, but not quite sure if I would buy it. There's still a lot left unexplained. 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HM-Marable — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:00:47 -0600

All across the county of Mosabel, when two non-magical people get married and have a baby, or have a baby then get married,, whether they believe in a higher power or not, they pray. They pray to whatevers out there. they pray that there wil be a mutation, a quirk of fate and their future son or daughter will be born with magic. Because that means their child will have access to all the best institutions of learning, will fit in at all the right places will be able to get a better job than they themselves could ever hope of having. They will probably never have to worry about having enough money to heat their house or feed their family. Some of these parents may even long for the rush of pseudo-fame that comes with producing a magical child despite being such an abysmal faliure of a citizen themselves. Who knows? All I know, is my parents didn't get lucky with me. The harried pysician jabbed my tender newborn foot with his pointy silver stick, and I screamed. No magic came sparking from my palms. Hopes dashed. I was ordinary.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RubyMarlin — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:21:20 -0600

1. First of, there are some distracting punctuation and capitalization errors that I'm sure you can find if you re-read your post. Second, the word mutation threw me off on the fact that magic is good instead of bad. I don't think it's anything but the connotation of the word. It is usually seen as negative instead of positive. The listing of the reasons the parents would hope for this seems a little redundant. After the first two, I wanted to skip to the second paragraph. The second paragraph is what hooked me. The idea of the ordinary person in a magical world is one that intrigues me. 2. Genre and age group? YA fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page, but I would have to read more to buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+ to A- With a lot of potential

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RubyMarlin — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:23:28 -0600

I walked into the cemetery without any internal fanfare. It was my fourth one that day and needless to say, I was tired of being told that the headstone I was looking for didn’t exist. I tucked the jar I was carrying tighter under my arm. “You wouldn’t have lied to me Grandma, would you?” I wondered out loud. She wasn’t going to answer, and frankly I would have probably ran away screaming if she had. After all, I was carrying her ashes around with me in a glass jar from the mantelpiece over her fireplace. I love her, but the dead stay dead. If there’s one thing she taught me, that was it. I had to admit, this was one of the most beautiful cemeteries I had seen in my life. However, it was also one of the largest. I found myself wishing for the hundredth time that Grandma had been able to remember the exact name of the cemetery she wanted her ashes spread in. It would have made this entire trip a whole lot simpler.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:30:56 -0600

With terror and breathless anticipation, I await your reply, and your decision. It is my timid hope that you will find my life’s work adequate, and that you will award me this incomparable opportunity. Sincerely, Dominic Fury, Ph.D. Fury read his letter again, scrutinizing it from every angle he could think of. He was a thorough man, and making a good impression was second nature to him, but as he read this letter for the thousandth time, a horribly familiar feeling began to creep up on him - panic. It was too late to change anything now, he thought solemnly, folding the letter into a pristine envelope. Nothing left to do but straighten his bow tie and face his fate, for good or ill. He rose from the bench that sat at the entrance of the busy lobby. Throwing his shoulders back and trying to look confident, he strode toward an ornate desk and the small but intimidating woman who sat behind it. He held forth the rather heavy envelope and opened his mouth to announce his intentions, but the little woman spoke first. “There will be no need for your letter, or your resume, Doctor Fury.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RubyMarlin — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:39:08 -0600

The letter seems... off. The wording does not read like that of someone with a Ph.D. This is possibly because I think of someone with a Ph.D. as being very proper and the words "With terror and breathless anticipation," do not fit with that view. The rest of it seems good. I don't like that you tell the reader outright that Fury is a thorough man. The rest of the paragraph gives good characterization without telling the reader "Hey, this is what he's like!" I'm not sure on the genre or age group. It is something that I would turn the page on, though I may be a bit hesitant due to Fury's letter. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:44:07 -0600

Critique: Cool. I don't see any distracting errors. The subject matter is already giving it a creepy feeling that is setting up the tone of it, and it's mysterious and compelling. I like it a lot. Genre: either mystery or paranormal Turn the page or buy it: I would turn the page for sure. I don't think I would buy it. It does seem like a good read, but it doesn't really seem like the type of book I would like to own, and I'm broke. It's just not really my genre. I would definitely check it out of the library. Letter grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Learned — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:30:51 -0600

The sheep were in their pen, and so I ran madly to the safety of the hut. The wind tried to knock me off the path, and bony branches rubbed together horribly above me. The darkness hid everything but my destination: the small bright light at the top of the hill. I crashed into the door with all my weight, little more than a hundred pounds. It gave way and I stumbled into the close, warm air of the hut. “You’re back early,” Granddad observed. He huddled against the far wall of the hut, next to the fire as usual. My little sister Elaine slept beside him. “Are you cold?” he asked. “No,” I said. I shivered like a hound dog trying to get dry. “Do you want some meat?” I nodded and came forward cautiously. I took a piece of venison from his twisted hand, trying to avoid his gaze. “You’re back early,” he repeated. He spoke the statement like a question. “Yes,” I admitted. “The sheep were cold.” “With their big fluffy coats?” he said, raising his enormous eyebrows. I did not know what to say. Granddad was ancient, whereas I was only twelve years old, and he had outwitted me many times before.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ihazabeard — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:34:26 -0600

It was a rainy Atafatur day when Mordecai le Vogel’s misadventures began. He was feeling ill and down on himself – once again, as it did every bloody day, the heavens had opened and were drenching everything with that goddamn rain. He was trapped inside of his rented house, away from all of his friends and his family, in a city was almost sure that he hated. It was not the best situation he had ever been in, he would admit that. Standing and admiring a portrait on the wall, he listened to the rain patter down on the roof. The noise was bringing on a slight nausea. He longed to go outside – just to get out of the house. Not having had the chance to leave it for several days, cabin fever had hit him hard. There were redeeming features to his temporary life in the rain soaked city, of course, but they faded into insignificance when he was met with the sight of the volleys of water shooting from the sky. The only windows in the room took the form of the glass French doors that lead out onto the small outside balcony. He shot a glance of it and his stomach gave a lurch.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:41:46 -0600

I think that would be a good direction. What I meant mostly by my post was that I understood why it might be a bit slow in unfolding, but there still should be some kind of hint in there was to what he's doing. I like the idea of Merrill wondering about his future... I just want to know why he's wondering. At some point (maybe not in the first page) if you don't have one already, you may want to put in an explanation about the Rothschilds for history!fail people like me who don't know about them. My history knowledge is okay, but it's also mostly American. Thus, super-weathly mysterious European families are unknown to me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ihazabeard — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:44:03 -0600

My critique: "The sheep were in their pen, and so I ran madly to the safety of the hut" This doesn't seem to flow right. "and so I ran madly". It doesn't seem plausibly that someone would run madly because of sheep. I think it might work better if you replaced the comma with a full stop and cut out the "and so" "bony branches rubbed together horribly above me" Why is the rubbing of the branches horrible? is it the noise it's making? are they casting scary shadows? branches rubbing together in the wind is fine. I'd either cut out this bit or say why it's horrible "The darkness hid everything but my destination: the small bright light at the top of the hill. " I like this. "Granddad observed" That just seems a bit weird. Maybe it's just me. Observing doesn't really give you much to go on. His character doesn't seem too nice, perhaps he should have "said, with a raised eyebrow" or just "said coldly" or something. Idk "like a hound dog trying to get dry" I think there are stronger similes you could have used here. the coming forward cautiously and his "twisted hands" begins to paint the picture of his character, this is good. I'm not sure "admitted" is the best choice of word there Overall, it is good but a bit confusing, though it is only two hundred words, I'm sure it becomes clear why your MC was running from penned sheep. I feel like I've been quite harsh, forgive me :3

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:46:20 -0600

Thanks everyone. :) There is an explanation for her name given shortly after this (essentially, her parents were hippies) and she goes by Veri most of the time. The doctor is using her legal name here. It's definitely adventure (superheroes!) and could be YA except that I believe YA cuts off at 18-year olds, and most of the characters are in their 20's. One of the things I'm trying to work on is voice; I sometimes feel like my characters all sound rather the same. That's something for the revise, though; right now I am still trying to finish this thing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:57:43 -0600

Critique? I like the imagery here; being trapped in a house by pouring rain and the boredom that ensues. I think you could probably push a little harder on your descriptions to make them a little more evocative. Instead of just listening to the rain, maybe it is clattering on the roof with a noise like stampeding horses, and maybe instead of just staring at the portrait, he's looked at it so long he's started to count the cracks in the paint. You don't need too many of these, but a few will really convey the twitchy, stir-crazy boredom of someone stuck inside. You may also want to give us a time frame, too-- something like 'it was the fifth day he'd been here, and it hadn't stopped raining once." I'm a little confused about the 'Atafatur' day; I don't know if this is a made-up word instead of Friday, or if its an actual holiday. At first I thought it was a replacement and this was a fantasy, but with the inclusion of French doors I have to guess it's our world. So that's a bit confusing. Genre/Age Group: Not sure. I'm getting a gothic/historical feel here. Could be Adult or YA. Turn the page?/Buy?: I would probably keep reading-- I do want to know what he saw out the window that made him so upset. I'd also flip through the book. Grade? B. I'm not completely invested, but I am curious.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

munkiC munkiDU — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:58:44 -0600

An interesting beginning with a well developed protagonist. I felt involved in the story right away, the only 'hiccup' being the sentence: 'and frankly I would have probably ran away screaming...' it doesn't read well. I'd change it for: 'and frankly I probably would have run away screaming...' The use of 'However' also seems redundant. Besides that it all seems good! Genre and Age Group? Paranormal/fantasy YA Turn the page or buy it? Page turner for sure. Possibly even a buy. Grade? 85/100

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

munkiC munkiDU — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:09:29 -0600

Damsel jumped from the roof of the nine storey building and landed with her face embedded in the pavement. She just wasn’t going to die that day, or any other, for that matter. She stood, brushed the debris of crushed pavement from her hair, and wandered idly along. It was dark out, cold and quiet. She found it peaceful and deafening all at once, and longed for some small noise to be heard out in the distance. She sighed, breaking the quiet with a plume of hot breath along the cold air, and shoved her hands deep into her pockets, wondering why her life had to suck so much. Why was it, that out of every superpower going, she had to be blessed with the ability to just hang around indefinitely? There really wasn’t much point in immortality unless you had something extra to go along with it, like laser vision or something. She crossed one road, then another, splashing through rain puddles and strolling aimlessly through the sleepy half of the city as shops closed for the night. The familiar glow of a public house beaconed to her in the distance, and she drifted toward it like a moth.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:22:16 -0600

First off, mutewitness, let me apologize for being longwinded. It's just my style. It doesn't mean I don't like your piece! (1) Intriguing! This piece, which feels like the beginning of the novel, sets up an interesting world. You've done a good job of giving us a lot of information about the setting, in just three short paragraphs. Problems: The first paragraph is both confusing and kind of awkward. I had to read the first sentence over carefully before I realized that Swyndell is a place, not a person. Is it a city? Just saying "the city of Swyndell" would do a lot to improve that sentence. I'm afraid that "life seemed broken and love seemed lost" is weak, especially following the specificity of the open three things: I immediately wondered if Prime Minister Shanley had done something to this disconsolate woman, since he or she is one of the three "things" afflicting Louisa. And then the next sentence raises more questions: "life and love were somewhere between" starts out vague, and then makes me wonder, "What's between officers in the day and drunks & prostitutes at night? Dusk? Dawn? Some other stratum of society?" Frankly, I have no idea what you mean. And "a secret entry" just confuses me more: how can a secret entry be between those two things? I get the sense that you're trying to provide some character info about Louisa. If so, you need to work it out a little better in your head. Are you alluding to something bad in her past? Does she feel hopeless in the here and now? About what? The phrase "life and love" is so vague, it means just about nothing. The second paragraph, by contrast, conveys its meaning well. One teensy nitpick: I think you want "into the atmosphere," not "onto the atmosphere." Third paragraph: The first sentence is kind of stilted. "Ms, Hewitson" is weird, when we already know the character as "Louisa." I think you want something like: "The industrial district was packed with factories; Louisa worked in one of them." With some rewriting you could probably shrink those four sentences into three—since you wouldn't need to say "Louisa worked..." or "Louisa had been working..." more than once—and the paragraph would be stronger for it. You definitely don't need to say "working there a year" more than once. I do like "one day she knew she would find out": it makes me want to keep reading. I hope I'm not discouraging you: a lot of this is just cosmetic. Two tips: First, read your work aloud, especially at the rewriting/editing stage. I think you'll find that your ears are quite good at telling you which sentences are strong and which ones need work Second, always be specific: you need to be just as specific about why Louisa wants to die, as you are with that great image of "amateur steam-powered locomotives wheeling by." (2) I'm guessing that this is what I call Alternate History, which technically is a sub-genre of science fiction. Is it Steampunk? Probably. Age group: probably Adult. (3) I would definitely turn the page. You've made me curious to know more. (4) As is, it gets a B-minus for the above problems. If those were fixed, it would be an A-minus.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:27:42 -0600

Thanks for the thorough critique. Those are all good points. I appreciate it. =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:29:07 -0600

Thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:44:06 -0600

I think they might have been confused by the typo in "Lyla knew shew as in the air." ("Shew as," instead of "she was.")

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:46:18 -0600

Weird. I know I clicked reply on fuzz's post, not Harlow's...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:47:03 -0600

Weird again. I reloaded the page and now it's in the right place. Ignore the above.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:00:43 -0600

(1) This is great stuff! The descriptive details are fabulous, and you've done a good job of establishing your two characters. What I'm getting is that Nicole is in the leader role in their friendship, because of her personality and because she possesses some sort of ability to read people, maybe even a psychic ability.I like the way it ends, with the allusion to Donna's grandmother (glass shoes? hmmm...=smile=) and to Nicole's inchoate perception about the seller of the shoes. And you're good at mixing dialogue, description, and action: I admire that! Minor problems: • You would benefit from learning how to use the em-dash for your free-flowing descriptions. You indicate it with either '—' or '--' with no spaces on either side. Like this: "She closed her eyes and drifted into the sounds and smells in the large metal building—dust and rust and bargaining, exaggerated assurances, doubtful replies, children running—in the wake of one of those children, hot grease and mustard." Your semi-colon there is ungrammatical, because there's not a complete sentence (independent clause) on the righthand side. Re-read your Strunk and White. =smile= • "I think I'd better think about it" is a bit awkward: do you need "I think" at the start? • This is a bit of a problem: "She knew that look on Nicole's face. She had felt something..." When you start two sentences in a row with the pronoun "she," the reader assumes that both pronouns refer to the same person. I suggest something like "She knew that look on her friend's face. Nicole had felt something..." (2) If it weren't for the glass shoes and Nicole's special ability, I'd call this Literary Fiction. But I'm leaning toward Mainstream with light Fantasy elements. (I don't why we're supposed to guess the genre, anyway: genre labels are for marketing departments to decide, not readers of a 200-word excerpt. =shrug=) Age? I know squat about YA, so everything seems Adult to me. (3) You've definitely caught my interest, but I'm unsure about whether I'll like a book with a main character who has psychic abilities—just a personal thing on my part, nothing negative about your writing. So I'll turn the page and read some more, to get a better fix on where the story's headed. (4) A (or maybe A with a teensy minus sign...)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:16:38 -0600

Elsa and Jeanie could see swirls of bioluminescent plankton in the water coming up onto the beach. Impulsively they ran into the ocean. The water was inviting—warmer than the air that night. As they walked out deeper, up to their waists and higher, they got a bit spooked. It was pitch-dark: they couldn't see the waves massing in front of them. As if of one mind, they started singing the theme from "Dark Shadows," their favorite show, and laughed. Suddenly, in the darkness before them, they saw a long bright horizontal band, writhing like a ghost—at the height of their chests, then their faces, then SPLASH! they were tumbled by the wave whose breaking crest, foaming with luminous plankton, they'd been watching. Their heads popped out of the warm water only SPLASH! to be tumbled by another wave. In between waves they could see each other's faces, lit up by the glowing water. They started laughing again. Then another wave came crashing down. Elsa had kept in touch with Jeanie for four decades. But she didn't think they'd ever loved each other so much, as at that moment: sloshing around and struggling to get footing in the wet sand under the water—overpowered time and time again by big warm waves—neon-bright watery wonders everywhere they looked.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:29:39 -0600

‘Drapetomania’ is defined as ‘an overwhelming urge to run away’, which is probably the main theme of this novel. First things first: “Everything in context” – but more on that later. Before I walked into the kitchen the morning after the ‘incident’ the night before, I knew what I’d be faced with, but I was still totally unprepared for how it made me feel. The door was mercifully open, or I think I’d still be standing there still – just hoping that if I stood behind it listening to the sounds beyond it, somehow, magically, I wouldn’t have to open it at all. I’d be transported to somewhere else, another universe perhaps, where something completely different lurked behind a different door. I think it was Dante who defined hell as “proximity without intimacy”, which would probably go some way towards explaining what happened last night. Actually that’s just one theory.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:31:12 -0600

Addendum: I checked your novel summary, and see that your MC is some kind of dog-like creature? If you're writing from a non-human perspective, make sure it sounds non-human. Possibly because he's so bored his tail droops or his ears go back-- animals convey their emotions very differently from humans and it's good to think about that. As it's currently written I'd have no idea that your character isn't human.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:39:12 -0600

1. Critique? The phrase "out of every superpower going" hooked me. As I read the first sentence, I expected a graphic description in the second. It clearly makes sense from the whole superpower perspective, but it struck me (at first instance) as just a lack of detail. I get a sense that the character is bored with her life, which actually bores me a bit (she's sighing, hanging around and "strolling aimlessly") because it comes across (to me) as a bit teenage-angsty, which I don't really want to read. The mention of superpowers really grabbed me though, because I didn't expect to see mention of fantasy elements considering the start. 2. Genre and age group? Genre - fantasy? Age group - It sounds like Damsel is a teenager, so targeted at young adults? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Frenzy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:58:01 -0600

Thanks! As long as something's good about it, I'm happy. :D Although, Taylor coming across as a male... You make a good point about the line: "the expression of someone who is about to get serious", though, but it did add to my word count, at the time. I was going to say that I didn't think that I could change 'murderer' to anything else but then 'intruder' came to mind, so thanks for that. :) As for the target age, I'm not even sure about this myself, so you may very well be right.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:58:22 -0600

(1) This scene does a good job of two things: exposition about what's happening now and the next day, and quick little snapshots of the characters. I especially like the way Doris acts and talks. =grin= I hope you don't intend it as the opening of the book, though: it feels more like a transition scene between schemes and adventure. Minor problems: • It's a little bit dull. I'm not quite sure what it needs, but all the details you provide—overloaded cart, SUV, hot dog stand, even USA Today—are by their nature pretty generic. Could you say "a red SUV" instead of "an approaching SUV"? Could you give us a hint about what Maude bought, instead of calling it "that much stuff"? Could Ben say something more interesting than "tomorrow's little adventure"? These are just ideas I'm throwing out. A couple of specific details would punch up the scene, make it more vivid in the reader's imagination. • Your wording for how Ben is playing with the newspaper is off. First he grabs it—that's OK. But then the next line is that he's beating it rhythmically "in his hands." Then later he's drumming. I can guess what you mean, but your wording doesn't create the picture. I'm guessing that first he rolls it up, then he holds the paper in one hand and swats rhythmically on the other palm. You don't have to say all that, but make the reader see what you see. (2) YA Adventure? I'm just guessing. I'm afraid I'm no good at genres or ages. (3) If this were the one scene I read at random, flipping through it, I'm afraid I'd put it down. Just not enough pizazz for me. But I think I'd give you a second chance, and try reading another section. (4) B-minus. But it could so easily be an A: the structure is good—it just needs to be more colorful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lisa.Vail — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:06:22 -0600

I think I'm going to edit the intro, but keep it as is plot-wise, and add an exciting flashback as a prologue. Think that might work?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:10:24 -0600

1. Critique? There's nothing wrong with it, really, but its not very exciting, personally, but I'm sure it's only because it's a short snippet. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:16:02 -0600

Thank you very much for your critique, Lithle, and the time and thought you put into it. I'm very glad about the things you picked up, both intended and unintended by me. It's been very helpful and I appreciate it!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:16:50 -0600

Thank you for your thoughts and for taking the time to read my first page. :) Good point on the 'glass and white', goes to show how blind you can become to your own writing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:17:56 -0600

She is in a glass building with a glass floor. Thank you for pointing out I need to make that more obvious. :) It's so hard to tell what comes across and what doesn't. Thanks so much for your help!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:19:22 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to read my excerpt. I think your point on Naheli's behaviour is really good, I'll have to try to fix that while still expressing her feelings. You helped a lot. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:19:45 -0600

Thank you very much for your thoughts and your time. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:20:27 -0600

She is the Sacrifice, yes. :) Thank you very much for your time and your thoughts. I appreciate it!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:23:02 -0600

Thank you so much! This is helpful feedback. Thanks for taking the time.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:24:10 -0600

1. Critique: There is good and bad. I'll start with the things to consider for revision. First, cut out the part that tells us the theme of the novel. Readers want to figure that out four themselves. By writing it directly, the reader either feels that you think he (or she) is too dumb to figure it out on his own, or that the story is so poorly written that he won't be able to figure it out. Second, cut out the part where you say, "just hoping that if I stood behind it listening to the sounds beyond it, somehow, magically, I wouldn’t have to open it at all. I’d be transported to somewhere else, another universe perhaps, where something completely different lurked behind a different door." You used lots of words to tell us what you would have done if the door had been shut. But the fact is that it wasn't shut, and so those words (and the reader's time) are wasted. When you say, "Or I think I'd still be standing there still" (oh yes, cut out one of the 'stills'), we get the idea that you don't want to go in. That's enough. Now, the good. With those two parts cut out, I think you have a stronger start to the story. The hints about the 'incident' and the allusion to 'proximity without intimacy' will make the reader want to continue. 2. Genre: can't tell yet 3. Buy it or turn the page? If you cut out some of the filler, I would probably turn the page 4. Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:28:08 -0600

Your excerpt intrigued me, although I tend not to be interested in comical aspects. From reading your response, I saw you didn't intend for it to be comical, but the blue ukulele was hard for me to take any other way. It did make me smile, so it could still be a good thing. I think that if the story turns more serious later on, you might still be able to keep this bit, but possibly start the story in a more serious way. The conflicts I read from this are: Alissa having moved to a place where she doesn't want to be, possible fear of going crazy with consequences to follow, a possible conflict with her mother and step-sister. I personally don't like the 'later, she would...' things as a starting point for stories, but that's personal, of course. You have a solid voice, and your style draws me in. What I miss is a clearer sense of the character that would make me feel sympathetic towards Alissa, but I realise it's early for that. Also, I'm very much a character-person. Over all, I'd definitely turn the page on this one.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fetlock — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:30:36 -0600

1. Critique: *) I have a fondness for the school of magic theme. I think it's a good choice. *) It wasn't pulled in until the 'Fugio'/levitation parts. You might want to start with those first. The "Again" line might also be a good choice. *) Her physical description didn't make me like her or identify with her. There was nothing terribly unique or interesting about her. You could probably go through the whole book without ever describing those things, and I wonder if it would even make a difference. *) 'Fugio' makes me think of 'fugue,' as in 'wandering around in a fugue,' and not levitation or flying. (I think the root only means flight in the sense of running away.) It's a word of magic. I want to own that word, so make it a good one. *) There more typos, grammar, and spelling errors than typically found in a book, especially on page one. That would put me off pretty quickly. 2. Genre / Age Group: Fantasy / Young. Magic School. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I might skim a bit to see if anything caught my eye, or I might give it a chance if the synopsis is really good, but I would probably put it back and grab another book based on just this page. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Madrynea — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:31:11 -0600

Bah, I realised that this turned out sounding a lot more negative than I intended for it to be. I'll just return it with the same comment you had for me further up: I only try to improve the things I think are worth improving. This is definitely a good excerpt that I could well imagine in a published book.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:32:53 -0600

This, by the way, is not the beginning of the novel....

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:35:17 -0600

Thank you! That was very helpful. I can see what you mean, and I'm in the process of fixing it now. You are also right about number 2, It's alternate history, steampunk, and adult :).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:52:35 -0600

“The Germans are close to passing the Demarcation Line.” Luc, Renee’s father, said right as the family heard their familiar Sunday morning knock. Renée let the knocker in and shouted “Vincent with the eggs, mom!” She threw Vincent a smile as she rejoined her father back at the kitchen table. “There is no need to shout,” Sylvie said to her daughter, walking into the small kitchen. Turning to her husband, she said, “But the Germans haven’t passed yet.” Renee ignored her mother’s grim expression and focused on the boy in the kitchen. The young boy came through the door and set down two cartons of eggs, he turned to Luc and said “I have just heard news of seventeen French Resistance members being executed in Paris…” He turned his face from Luc to Renee and sensed that she wanted him to stop talking. “But it is all speculation of course.” Vincent added hastily. Luc shook his head and stood to get four plates for the table. “Would you like to stay for some breakfast?” Sylvie asked, filling the silence. Without waiting for Vincent’s answer, Luc took down an extra plate.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:03:01 -0600

1. Critique? Everything below the letter had me reading with actual interest. Though I actually liked the letter, I think an extra sentence or two would actually make it a 'letter'. Otherwise, I would change the word letter to note. Small note, I don't know if you actually need the comma after reply. To me it would read easier without it. 2. Genre and age group? Not entirely sure, but my guess would be people in their late 20's and above? Because of the PhD thing as well as some of the diction. Genre might be science fiction because of the name Dr. Fury. :) 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd definitely turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:03:32 -0600

"itching" is a word, but the verb you want is "scratch". You can't "itch at [a noun]"; you "scratch at [the noun]" Because it itches.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:14:48 -0600

Thanks for your critique. I think you're right on with your analysis that it's too generic. From this snippet, it could be a story about anything, and therefore gives the reader nothing to latch onto to say, "I like this kind of story," or, "I hate this kind of story." It's also a transition scene, as you noted. Good words. Let me think about how to give my writing more pizazz and go from there.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SPQR22 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:15:07 -0600

Disclaimer: I wrote my novel in german, so this is a rough translation of the first 200 words, i swear that in german it sounds even better :P It was late in the evening when Numiter took the book of history and put it on the table in front of him. There was not much light in the room, despite the lantern standing in a leaden bowl on the table. That was the only way to read without having a natural source of light around. After all he didn't want to risk a fire, which would have destroyed all of the emperor's writings in this small room. He carefully stroke the board to remove the dust that had gathered there. His gaze wandered around the room, admiring the collection of works that stood here. The room measured 5 meters in length and only half as much in width and all in all there were 153 writings, as Numiter knew only too well. He was emperor Aristodemos' official clerk and responsible for the preservation of the books and manuscripts. Numiter opened the book and turned the first page. The past had fascinated him since his childhood. Thus, being the protector of the writings had been an even greater honour to him. In his 64 years he had gathered a lot of experience and he knew the old dialects of the prehistoric men from before 400 years, yet there had been several words in the texts that didn't make much sense to him. He began reading on the first page, leaving out some of the paragraphs and jumping to those that he had troubles with.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:28:31 -0600

Hey guys, I have a question. The letter bit was meant to read as the closing paragraph of a lengthy cover letter. Is that how you read it? Maybe I should somehow get that across better :P If I do that is the wording still a problem?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Shadowphaze — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:34:51 -0600

The open grassy areas around the wading pools were recently trimmed and Ava could smell the scent of cut grass partially obscured by the smell of rain. In fact as she reached the calm pool that she had splashed her feet in as a child, she noticed the first drops of rain disrupting the placid surface. Tiny rings spread out from the droplets’ collision creating tiny designs for her. Out of the peripheral vision of her right eye she caught a gold flash and turned her head quickly. She caught the last bit of 'it' on the ground. It looked like a firework set off with its gold sparks wildly flicking onto the grass and just a few inches above it. In the mere seconds it took for her to reach the spot the sparks were gone and instead of finding charred ground, Ava found a ring of speckled gray mushrooms. It was the most peculiar thing that she’d ever seen and given her normally wild imagination it took her a moment to decide if she had simply imagined everything. Either way she looked at it it resulted in the same thing. The ring at her feet.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:43:03 -0600

warning: I'm harsh, sorry. 1. Critique? A lot of the language choice is distracting for me: "She sighed, breaking the quiet..." I would change quiet to silence or something else because you used the word quiet right above. Also this entire sentence is way too long. I also don't think using the phrase "she sighed" in your very first paragraph is a good idea. It reads as cliche and makes my eyes skim over sentences. Try making the "sigh" more alive to me. Just playing around with some ideas and some of your sentences: "She broke the cold air with an exasperated plume of hot breath, sploshing through dirty puddles. With endless time ahead of her, she didn't care about ruined shoes." I took away the word sigh and tried giving her some character instead. "She just wasn’t going to die that day, or any other, for that matter." This sentence also bothered me, partly because it sounded a bit cliche, but also because I wanted to say "or any other day" as I read it. I know that having 'day' twice in the same sentence comes off as wordy, so you likely did that on purpose. I would change the sentence all together to something else. "There really wasn’t much point in immortality..." Grammatically, the sentence is fine, but to me it would read more naturally as 'much point to immortality.' "She crossed one road, then another, splashing through rain puddles and strolling aimlessly through the sleepy half of the city as shops closed for the night." This sentence was also hard for me to get though, I think, because it is too long. what I did like: "Why was it, that out of every superpower going, she had to be blessed with the ability to just hang around indefinitely?" Nice sentence, and I laughed. :) "The familiar glow of a public house beaconed to her in the distance, and she drifted toward it like a moth." Another nice sentence. I think choosing 1st person POV was also good. Plume is a great word. :) 2. Genre and age group? young adult fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? I usually like stories like these, so I might turn the page. But not likely. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:47:56 -0600

1. Critique: Mostly I liked it. The first line is a good one, though your grammar is off. That comma should be either a colon or a semi-colon. A colon is more traditionally accurate but, since this is first-person narration, I think a semi-colon would be a valid stylistic choice if you're going for a narrator who 'speaks' in a clipped style. There are a few places where you have commas instead of more appropriate semi-colons, actually, but I don't blame you because Americans (I'm assuming here, from 'colorful') don't learn how to use the semi-colon in school :p The other glaring one is "No one ever did, not for six years." I demand you replace that comma post-haste because I really like that line; it's the second strongest here, after your first sentence. "No one ever did; not for six years." is a great sentence. Speaking of the narrator: I'd like to know more about him or her before I care about mailbots nobody uses. Not that the mailbots don't belong here - they tell me that nobody is sending mail, which is probably important info; it at least adds to the mystique. I think you could lose the line about hovertaxis (the mailbots cover the 'there is nobody here' vibe). Either or both of those lines are better than the one about spirits yearning for life. I get what you're going for but it confuses the issue that these are machine intelligences, not literal spiritual beings. A few things could be smoothed over, word-choice-wise. I abhor seeing two paragraphs side-by-side that start with the same word, even when it's "I" or a name in the middle of a dialog-heavy bit of my own writing, so the bracing "District U"s tweaks me. "The District" would do better everywhere after the first "District U", I think. We only know about one of them, if there's even more than one around, so there won't be confusion in not using the full name. You could straight-up remove several words here without losing anything ("a superstructure that was so large some said" == "a superstructure so large that some said", or even "a superstructure so large some said", which isn't quite as clear but has a more conversational tone). Actually, looking at it some more, I don't think it's word choice, mostly. It's just word ordering. Keep the same words (lose a few) and just shuffle the sentences around and your writing will be much stronger. "The slipstream contingency points had been key objects of contest in the battle for District U, which the inhabitants had lost." is okay, but it's passive voice and I hate passive voice. Get the District and the inhabitants out in front of the contingency points (and either abbreviate it SCP or word the initial description 'contingency points in the slipstream' or similar; the acronym is obvious once I stop thinking of them as "slipstream contingency points" and start thinking of them as just "contingency points") and it will be better. 2. Genre/age Sci-fi, obviously. I'm guessing post-singularity cyberpunk. Probably Adult? For some reason District U gives me a YA feel, but I think that's because I could totally imagine Disney or Pixar setting a film in District U and then opening a theme park for it. Not that I have a better suggestion; districts with letter names are fine. 3. Buy/read/whatever: In terms of content: I'm interested. I usually avoid sci-fi because it's just all so...bland, nowadays. I used to love hard-sf and cyberpunk but the chrome's all chipped and the neon's half burnt out, anymore. This has a little bit of a Neil Stephenson (old Neil; like Snow Crash/Diamond Age Neil, not Cryptonomicon/Anathem Neil), or a Greg Bear (Eon/Slant/City at the End of Time Greg, not, I dunno, Darwin's Radio Greg), feel to it. I like that. I dunno what a vice is, a slipstream, or a contingency point, but they're great, evocative names that are both real words and obviously re-purposed - that's the best kind of SF term. I'd far rather a Vice in the Slipstream than a bunch of X'kl!hrs in the Spaggletymime. I'd give this through page 2 to tell me what's up with the narrator, but I'd rather you did it right up front. If he's cool then I'd keep going. 4. Grade: These grades are stupid. I'm not going to critique an F because it's probably hopeless and I'm not going to critique an A because they don't need my help. Put yourself somewhere in the C-B range and call it an A when you revise.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:51:52 -0600

Here is my revision.. It had taken a few years, but Swyndell eventually turned into Prime Minister Shanley’s modeled prefecture. It was the first region he defeated, followed by many more, in order to make England united. His intention was to make Swyndell his idealized city, since it had the honor of being the first place to come under his rule. It now had the right amount of steam factories and expendable working-class people, to make him a very wealthy and happy man. Smoke poured out from hundreds of cylinder pipes into the common gray atmosphere of the industrial district; it was twelve years, and some odd days since Louisa Hewitson, a young working-class woman, had seen a blue sky. On the streets were amateur steam-powered locomotives wheeling by, carrying those of power and wealth. There was a brick building, four-stories high, where Louisa worked. It was Mr. Doonacan’s Android Factory, the only factory in the city that made such a contraption. Louisa had been there for a year, which was when it first opened, welcoming as many unlucky working-class people as possible. She didn’t have the slightest clue what the androids were being made for, but because of her curiosity, she knew one day she knew she would find out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:52:04 -0600

Oh, I forgot (in case my critique wasn't long enough for you): Your tense shifts around a little. You've got some 'nows' and 'heres' in with your 'weres' and 'theres'. The odd tense shift is fine when you're narrating first person but outside the first paragraph this all feels like straight author exposition, which makes them read strangely.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:02:33 -0600

^^I disagree with most of these actually :P (sorry ihazabeard) I think I see what you're saying in the first line... The kid can go back now because he/she is finished putting the sheep in the pen? If that's right, i would definitely make that more clear. Also, instead of "and so" I would say "so" The bony branches rubbing together horribly is a nice bit of imagery! Please don't get rid of it, I like it!! I dont see a problem with observant grandads or shiverring hound dogs or the word admitted. The last line is my favorite line of them all. I think the grandad sounds awesome. I would just try to make it more clear what the kid was doing at the sheep pen. It seems like you were having the grandad calling out the kid for coming back early, and the kid made an excuse that the sheep were cold. None of that was very easy to understand, and I'm basically guessing. In order to understand that interaction, we need a bit more info beforehand. Unless of course I understood that part completely wrong, in which case you've got to make some big changes. Genre: YA BUY/ turn page: Both. ...Can I buy it now? Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:18:26 -0600

(1) I love this! It's so musical, especially the first paragraph. You have a good ear! Really lovely imagery. It's like prose poetry. Tiny little problems: • First paragraph, last sentence: I'm wanting a comma after "collision." See what you think. • Second paragraph, first sentence: Your first paragraph makes such exquisite use of simple language, it's a shame to break the flow with a technical phrase like "peripheral vision of her right eye." See if you can rephrase it using...oh, I'm thinking of something like "Suddenly, off to her right, she just barely glimpsed..." Something like that, but in your own words... • Third paragraph, first sentence: I think you should lose "and given her normally wild imagination." It just seems a little jejune to me, and like the peripheral vision bit, it's a break in the rhythm. Why not have something like this: "It was the most peculiar thing she'd ever seen. Had she imagined it? No matter how she looked at it, she was left with the same thing. The ring at her feet." Read it aloud (always read your prose aloud, while editing!) and see if you like that better. Work with it a bit. (2) The quality is at the level of Literary Fiction, but the subject matter says Fantasy to me. Could be any age. (3) If a brief perusal of the rest of the book shows the language is consistently at this level, I'd buy it. (4) A-minus. If smoothed out, could be A-plus.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lollem — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:24:47 -0600

Thank you!~ I've always been a bit prone to comma abuse, so its good for me to know that I haven't quite kicked that. I also hadn't noticed at all how many times I mentioned the lights flashing O.o

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:27:00 -0600

Sorry, there is an error in the last sentence I kept missing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:31:16 -0600

1. Critique: You have a few instances of passive voice that could be easily corrected and a few awkward word choices (I feel like 'started singing' would work better as 'began singing', for example, or 'one another's' in place of 'each other's') but overall I have no complaints on your grammar or construction. I saw some comments of yours about semi-colons and dashes above, so I know you know your fundamentals in any case :) Honestly the only two things I'd change, outside of niggling voice/wording things that nobody would likely notice they weren't specifically critiquing your piece, are the first line and the second paragraph. The SPLASH! thing bugs me, but I like the effect that you were using it to achieve so I'm not sure what resolution to offer. I know formatting on the forum is terrible, so maybe in your manuscript it's not literally "SPLASH!", which would help. An italicized "splash" would be better. Even "splash!" in italics. The all-caps leaps out at me in a way that distracts from reading the rest of the page. In the first sentence, I don't like 'bioluminescent plankton'. It's accurate and it tells me what I'm meant to be seeing in my mind's eye, and in vacuum the first sentence is perfectly fine. In context with the 3rd paragraph it's actually still fine. But the whole first two paragraphs seem to be trying to establish a feeling of childish glee and revelry, which they do quite well, so that you can turn it around in the 3rd paragraph when you reveal that they're in the 40's or older. Until I hit paragraph three I'm left thinking, in the back of my mind, 'kids wouldn't know that word'. It turns out they're not kids, but I think it's an unnecessary distraction. Maybe "glowing plankton"? You obviously don't want to go too childish since they're not children, but... 2. I think this is the genre one: Lit fic aimed at adults, since the characters are in the 40s or more. 3. Buy/read/etc. It's a good opener and you have a good hook for a story about two ladies in the middle of their lives, probably reflecting on their childhoods and struggling to face the challenges of being Over The Hill. I just don't like that kind of story, so I'd give it a pass. If I were in the market for that? Totally would have me. 4. Grade Blech. I dunno. B+. I hated grading things in grad school and I hate it now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

yamikuronue — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:37:55 -0600

It was, of course, during a run that it all came tumbling down. Running had always been my salvation. As a kid, I always knew I was different than my classmates; their actions mystified me, and worse, they didn't understand anything I said or did. It was like we spoke totally different languages; I couldn't understand how they could possibly think the way they did, and they regarded me with suspicion, keeping me at arms length. By the time I entered high school, I had pretty much figured out the truth: I was broken, different, wrong. My head just didn't work like it should. The feelings I had, the quirks I couldn't get rid of, were not human, not sane. I found it hard to concentrate, mostly because I had to split my attention at all times: half of me was dedicated to making sure I was acting like a human being, to making sure I wasn't being too strange. I had no friends, of course. How could I? I couldn't connect with another human being, and when I was around someone too long... well, my thoughts weren't pretty. Often, when I ran, the madness would bubble up in me, overwhelming me. This was a good thing; I'd let it all come to the surface, pushing myself harder and faster until I could barely think about anything else. When I finally came to a stop, drenched in sweat, only then could I begin to feel normal in my own skin, human, comfortable, sane. The strange feelings and urges would fade back into my subconscious where they belonged, and I could go about my day as usual.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

yamikuronue — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:42:42 -0600

The first paragraph had me about to put down the book as "not my cup of tea" (though not badly written, per se, just not my thing), but the second really grabbed me - I think you ought to start with "Smoke poured out", as it creates a much more dynamic image to hook the reader. I'd turn the page, I need a little more to tell me what kind of story this is, but it definitely interests me. I notice you, like me, favor long sentences with multiple parts to them; be aware that if the text doesn't vary much it can come across as wordy. A C, I'd think, though with the paragraph orders switched it'd bump up to a solid B-. This is the first excerpt I've critiqued, however, so I might be being a little harsh as I figure out what I like and what I don't.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

yamikuronue — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:45:03 -0600

Ooh, that definitely grabbed my attention. Some thoughts: - if you're going for rapid action and things happening quickly, breaking up your sentences into shorter ones helps convey that. - something about "Ava could smell the scent" feels a bit off. Maybe try adjectives so it doesn't read like as much of a tautology? I'd definitely keep reading.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:47:46 -0600

someone??

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Learned — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:50:23 -0600

Thanks for the comments, ihazabeard and aaalllyyysssaaaaa (wow that took a long time to type). The first paragraph is indeed confusing. Context: the kid is afraid of the dark, and after finishing his chores (he's a shepherd), he's running back home in terror. He went home early because the sun sets early in the winter. I think a revision of the first sentence might do the trick, something like this: "The sun had already set when I herded the sheep into their pen. I ran madly through the dark to the safety of the hut. The wind tried to knock me off the path, and bony branches rubbed together creaking horribly above me. The night hid everything but my destination: the small bright light at the top of the hill."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

yamikuronue — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:52:04 -0600

The first sentence is too wordy - I got a little lost by the time I reached the end of it. Setting aside some of your parenthetical in parentheses or omitting them entirely would help. Mostly I think the first paragraph needs re-focusing; you want to get the important part out there as soon as possible, before we get lost in asides and caveats and wander off. The second paragraph is much better. I'd say, condense the first paragraph into a couple of sentences and get right to your main character - we don't really need to know about religion or marriage customs before we know who our protagonist is. The premise is solid, though, and once the voice of the main character kicks in I'd definitely read more. A C- for an iffy start and bad punctuation/grammar.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Shadowphaze — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:54:28 -0600

Thank you ladies for your input! Fiona I'm going to hold you to buying a copy of it if it ever gets on a bookshelf somewhere. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:57:26 -0600

I liked it and would definitely turn the page to read more, if it continued to be this well written, I would buy it. My only problem was "Sunny refused to hear it though". She did hear it, but she was pretending that she didn't. So maybe "Sunny refused to acknowledge..."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:57:27 -0600

the KKK (Ku Klux Klan) is a white supremacist group that was created after the American Civil War in the 1860's. It died out for awhile but came back into prominence during the 1920's. In addition to being a white supremacist group, they are also prejudiced against, Catholics, Jews, and any foreign group--so they're pretty much equal opportunity bigots (if you aren't a white Protestant, they don't like you).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:03:24 -0600

I liked it! I know some of the reviewers are saying that the character sounds whiny, but so what? If I were dumped off at 15 in a strange place, I would be whiny too! I think it would be a normal response. I would certainly turn the page and read more.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:08:36 -0600

Thanks again, everyone. @Harlow, I have always been interested in this time period, and I think that more attention needs to be paid to it, especially today. @Thequillmaster, I will definitely think about that when I do rewrites. @Gort, I haven't seen anything about the South and the KKK (except for To Kill a Mockingbird, which is of course untouchable); maybe I am not looking in the right place. I don't know if I am allowed to say this (if i'm not please forgive me), but it actually isn't historical fiction. For the actual genre, check out my profile page. (The whole second half does take place in 1964, though).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:09:06 -0600

I liked it. I am dying to know what a Catcher is!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:11:08 -0600

I would buy this. This hooked me right away.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:13:51 -0600

Thanks for the excellent critique! I know we're not supposed to explain, but the characters are kids: in context, the reader knows they're 12-year-old biology nerds. =laugh= In any case, you're right that "bioluminescent" is jarring: I think maybe just "luminescent" or even "glowing" would be better. I definitely agree with you on the other stuff.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mollyyymo — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:15:43 -0600

Thanks all. :) Great feedback, I'll definitely take it with me as I edit.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:16:13 -0600

Yeah, that makes way more sense.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:18:59 -0600

Thank you both for the feedback! It is so difficult to tell what is going on in 200 words. It is a cozy mystery. Ellie is a teacher, not a student. The purpose of the scene is to create a need for her to take Brulee to dog training, where the murder takes place. After this excerpt, he eats her cell phone while she is in the shower. I didn't think it was necessary to foreshadow because most likely whoever is reading the book will have read the summary. I was really hoping that interest in the character would be the hook. Maybe I could add a sentence in like, "If she knew what the summer held in store for her, she would have crawled back in bed and stayed there until school started again." Would that help? Any additional comments knowing the context?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:31:02 -0600

The man is sitting on the sofa oblivious to the large group of men dressed as chickens behind him. One of the chickens steps on a squeaky floorboard and the man hears it and turns to see the cause. He falls back in surprise collapsing the delicate coffee table and tea set that had been in front of him. The audience erupts in laughter as he screams “WHAAAAAT?!” “Bawk bawk bawk bawk,” says one chicken nonchalantly and the others chorus him. “WHAAAT?!” says the man. Jan turned the TV. off and walked over to his bookshelf. He pulled a book written by François Truffaut and flipped through a couple pages, but was quickly angered by how much he disagreed with the legendary filmmaker. This was just what he needed. He returned now to the storyboard table and looked again at many problems that beset his 6 hour epic film “The Loss of Language.” After a fruitful hour of negotiating how the hero would confront his poet father without using language, Jan took a coffee break. He went to the kitchen, shuffling his feet as he walked, because the floor was already icy in his fourth story apartment in Brooklyn.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:31:06 -0600

1. Critique: The writing is fine for the most part. My only real problem is the subject matter. I don't get what's meant to be wrong with the narrator. Maybe that's the point, but the symptoms are so conflicting that instead of coming away tempted and curious I come away feeling that you're either being purposefully vague or else over-dramatic. Relatively few people know that they're insane, and those that do almost uniformly are aware of it because they're being treated for it. I have the sense that this is literary fiction rather than sci-fi or something with the narrator being an actual monster. In the second paragraph I thought he (I'm guessing the gender since you don't tell me anything except the narrator's mental state) was maybe just more introverted than his peers, then that he was, perhaps, somewhere on the autism spectrum. Then I got thrown for a loop by the "not human" thing and spent the rest of it thinking that you might be aiming for psychosis of some variety. But an undiagnosed psychotic probably wouldn't think of himself as inhuman or strange; he would think everyone else was weird. He might know he has to repress his urges, but probably out of fear of the consequences rather than a moral imperative (unless he was brought up under some moral structure that made fear of immorality as strong a constraint as fear of legal fallout). Sorry. It might just be me, but the whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. I'll go check out your account profile page and synopsis after this but didn't want to cheat on my critique. If this is actually a book about a kid who transforms into a demon or something then it's all good. 2. Genre: Probably literary fiction? I don't think there's such a thing as YA lit-fic, but the temporal progression stopping at highshcool leaves me thinking that the narrator is a teen. 3. Buy/Read/etc: Based solely on this I'd put it back on the shelf. If there's a jacket blurb that addresses me misgivings then it could be fine - if a bit melodramatic. 4. Grade A on the technical writing competence. I won't grade the content or style because I don't think it's fair to assign a grade based on what I realize to be subjective criticism.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:31:30 -0600

1. I agree with Misterchip100. The first sentence isn't very gripping, and I almost didn't read the rest of it because of that. Your writing style reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it, which is why I continued reading past those first two sentences. I also, didn't understand beaux. I didn't realize that it was plural until reading what Misterchip100 wrote. I just figured that it was the way beau was spelled. lol 2. I'd say it is definitely for adults, but I can't judge genre based on this opening. I would say maybe mainstream fiction with an historical feel. 3. Turn the page. 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

32AurorA05 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:32:24 -0600

Oh, whoops. x3 There was an 'it' at the beginning of the first sentence.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:33:11 -0600

Ah, so in reading your blurb I see that he Is meant to be a werewolf or something. I take it all back, then. It's fine. I'm not a werewolf guy, but if I were in the market for werewolf fiction I'd give yours a go. I like your synopsis more than werewolf-theme implied in my skimming of the synopsis, so I'd probably at least try it :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

yamikuronue — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:35:44 -0600

The paste is actually from the novel I'm editing, not the one I just wrote; they're set in the same world, though, and yes, the main character here is meant to be supernatural. I'm actually glad you had that reaction, though, it more or less fits with what I was going for :D Except for the assumption that my readers would know what genre book they picked up and thus have that bit of meta-information to guide them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:39:25 -0600

Maybe I was being dense, but I read the first line a couple of times before I twigged that the "fourth one" was the fourth cemetary. I'd be tempted to take out "needless to say" and maybe say something like "It was my fourth one that day and with sixty miles on the mileometer so far I was tired..." I like it so far. It has a jaunty air to it and establishes the scenario quickly. I want to know where Grandma wanted her ashes scattered and why, so I'd turn the page. I'd guess at young adult, and fantasy/paranormal, but it could go almost any way from here. B+ and an interesting start.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:43:02 -0600

Kody carried a case of his favorite beer into the house. He kicked through the mess of broken dishes and overturned furniture on his way to the kitchen. At the edge of the kitchen sink was a patch of dried blood where his wife, Kelly, had hit her head late last night. “Dumb bitch should have been doing the dishes instead of getting uppity with me,” he mumbled to himself as he placed his beer in the refrigerator. He walked over to the sink and placed his fingertips on the bloody patch. He knew that he should clean it up before any visitors came around, but for now, he thought he would keep it the way it was. He liked looking at it. It made all those hours that he had been locked up in jail before his mother came to bail him out, seem worthwhile. After a time, he came back to himself and pulled his fingers off the dried blood. He moved back to the refrigerator. He still had a few cold beers and he knew by the time he had those drunk, the new ones would be cold. He pulled out two. He drank the first one down immediately and took the other one with him to the living room to savor while watching the game on TV.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:43:28 -0600

I got that from it, but maybe ellipsis would help? I agree that you don't need to tell us he is thorough, I got that. I'd be inclined to take "little" out of the last sentence too. You said she was small in the previous line and "little woman" sounds slightly condescending to me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:47:12 -0600

1. Critique? I like the use of "tumbling" down to represent part of a run. I like the outsider perspective and while I believe that someone would think that they had "no friends" I think that you that is a great opening to introduce new characters and the tone of the MC. You may say, something like "Jennifer was only nice to me because I'd help her with her homework" or "Kristy only made conversation with me because we were the poorest kids in school," etc. "strange feelings and urges" borders on cliche for my taste. I feel like there could be more specifics in this. I do like the psychology as an opener. 2. Genre and age group? YA or Literary fiction, Difficult to predict age from this excerpt, but I would say 14+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would definitely turn the page if someone had recommended this to me, but I'd hesitate if I were reviewing for a publisher. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B possible A- with some specifics and metaphors/imagery.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:48:51 -0600

1. I really like this, but I agree with yamikuronue about the first sentence. It didn't need to be that complex. It would work a bit better if you simply stated, "All across the county of Mosabel, when two non-magical people have a baby, they pray." Then, you can go on from there. This made me think about what life in the world of Harry Potter would have been like if Voldemorte and the Death Eaters had won in the end of The Deathly Hallows. I like the idea of a caste system based on magical status, and I think you do a good job of explaining why non-magical parents want their kids to be magical. The one thing that confused me, though, was that the doctor jabs the newborn's foot, but the lack of sparks is taking place in the palm. Is there a palm on the foot? I always thought it was called the sole--or maybe that's just what it is called in a shoe. 2. YA Fantasy 3. Turn the page--I'm not a big YA fan, but based on this opening paragraph, if i picked it up, i would keep reading to see if it is as good as it seems to be. if it is, then i would buy it. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:49:46 -0600

Good job of revision! The flow is much better, and the emphasis now is on the kind of ideas Alternate History fans are into. Two quick comments: • "idealized city" immediately raises the question: idealized by whom? Do you mean, perhaps, "model city"? • The repetition of the phrase "working-class people" is kind of distracting. I suggest, instead, in the first paragraph, "steam factories and expendable workers." Note that this would give you the much-desired parallel structure on either side of the word "and." You brought it up to an A-minus quite nicely!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:59:29 -0600

1. I did get that it was the end of a letter, but I would not have figured it for a cover letter, which it definitely does not sound like. Honestly, I liked the wording of the rest of it, but it just doesn't sound like something I would read. I do think that Dominic Fury is a really cool name, and I agree with Chinikins about the name signaling sci-fi because that it was what i thought as soon as i read the name. It has me thinking that he is some kind of mad scientist since we already know that he has a Ph D. It actually made me think of the Green Goblin from the 1st Spiderman movie and Doc Oc from the 2nd, but that is probably just me. 2. Genre--either mainstream fiction or sci-fi. 3. Neither--like I said, it doesn't sound like something I would read. 4. B+ (Just because I wouldn't read it doesn't mean i don't think it is good :p)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:03:46 -0600

1. Critique? This is manly fiction and though I'm a man I have trouble writing stuff like this. Reminds me of the Hemmingway caricature in Midnight in Paris. That being said, the MC in this so far does not have any redeeming value. I'm tempted not to turn the page if he's going to feature heavily in the story. If I flip to the next I wonder if I'll find some happier people, perhaps a hero. I would mention name brands for the beer. For a man who's been in jail, he's got to have a beer of choice and it better not be Heineken! :) Maybe Bud or Coors. Why say "mother" and not "mom" or more the more countrified "mama"? Language sets the tone for the story a lot and I think if you want this to be a methodical killer the beer is out of place and if you want him to be more like Texas Chainsaw, he's not going to say "mother." 2. Genre and age group? Horror? I could see this also being a wayward introduction to something less scary. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page to find a hero 4. Grade? (Letter System) B? I hate grading on 200 words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:31:58 -0600

Some of the problems are probably from translation, but I'll add my comments anyway. "There was not much light in the room, despite the lantern standing in a leaden bowl on the table. That was the only way to read without having a natural source of light around. After all he didn't want to risk a fire, which would have destroyed all of the emperor's writings in this small room." - This feels a little laboured to me. How about something like "Numiter sat at the table as close to the lantern in its leaden bowl as he dared without risking setting the book on fire. He slanted the book towards the lantern's pale flickering light and peered at the pages." He carefully stroke the board to remove the dust that had gathered there. - don't know what you mean by that. Do you mean the boards of the table, or what? You seem keen to get a lot of facts in: 5 meters, 153writings, 64 years old, 400 years ago. I'm sure you could show those. "The room was barely bigger than a large cupboard, but it was crammed from floor to ceiling with books from years gone by." Genre : smacks of fantasy Age : young adult/adult. If Numiter is the first character you introduce, maybe not YA. Turn the page/buy : turn the page Grade : B+ as I'm intrigued by your character and I'll cut you some slack for translation problems. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:38:45 -0600

This may come across harsh - sorry! Honestly, I'd cut the chickens. It seemed like you were aiming for a hook to drag people in, but it doesn't seem to have much to do with where the next couple of paragraphs take you. If he ends up storyboarding comedy shows, then slap me and ignore me! The next bit has a lot of telling rather than showing. If you want to show him frustrated with the TV it could go something like: "Jan thumbed the button on the remote and tossed it onto the sofa. There was a lot of crap on TV these days. He couldn't believe he paid good money for this stuff." Same with the book. He could read a paragraph or two, then skip a couple of pages, and end up riffling through the pages and chucking it on a pile of books he couldn't be bothered to put back in the right place. Genre : no clue. Could go anywhere from here. Age : I'm assuming adult from the storyboarding of a 6 hour epic and the Truffaut reference. Buy/turn page : on this, neither I'm afraid.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:47:29 -0600

I would agree with previous reviewers and add that find the concept of amateur steam-powered locomotives daunting. It makes me wonder how they different from the professional level and why those of power and wealth are not riding those. But this is an interesting start and definitely a page turner! I like the name "Doonacan" This is an A from me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:26:38 -0600

Thanks for your review! The first section is an attempt to set the tone for the book, not necessarily the section, namely that interludes will be included to break the flow when the reader needs a break. I like your other suggestions, thanks.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

caprici42 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:40:16 -0600

L12 ran as fast as her tiny legs could carry her, across the jagged and frozen edges of Krystallos Prime. She leapt over treacherous gaps in the snowflake’s edifice and didn’t slow when a branch from an icicle tree caught her dress. It tore her skirt of patchwork colored crystals, sending shards of purple, pink, and blue prisms into the sky. She dove around workers who created and repaired the crystalline infrastructure, colliding with one as he backed into her frenzied path. He shouted something at her as she hurried on, but his words and tone were lost to the wind. The raging waters of the river Chasm loomed before her, and L12 halted at the river’s edge. The bridge she had taken earlier had washed away, and she was running out of time. L12 breathed deeply, centering herself. She held out her hands and felt the familiar tingle radiate through her fingers to the water below. A sliver of ice developed at the crest of the surf, forming a path across the river. L12 carefully made her way to the other side, reinforcing the thin ice as she went. She hurried up the hill that marked the boundary between the center of Krystallos Prime, where L12 was allowed to roam freely, and the outer edges of the snowflake, where she was not. Cresting the top, she spotted the center commons. Below, the Bellwethers were approaching a group of young Lumians. She had precious little time to get herself down the hill and become part of that group.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:42:45 -0600

Critique: This is very lyrical writing (as others have said) and you should play to it. I would suggest moving slower. I think you could continue to dwell in the open grassy are for several more sentences. What about trading "striking" for "peculiar"? What about "she had to shake her head to see if it was just a trick of the light" or something to that effect? I'm not a big fan of "given her normally wild imagination" and "simply imagined everything". I feel like I've read those phrases several times before. I would just as soon get to the ring and have her start examining it. Genre: Fantasy Buy/Turn Page: I'd keep reading to see if the imagery kept pace. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HatchetGirl — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:45:40 -0600

Exerpt: I, Karen Cassidy, would be lying if I said I didn't believe in happy endings. After studying hard at university for my English degree, I was certain that I earned the chance to be happy. My family was supportive of my aims to become happy, and they knew the first step I wanted to take in that was moving to New York City. They helped me out a lot before I moved. It shocked me when my parents gave me five thousand dollars, claiming I'd need it before I got a proper job. Since I was just out of college, and that amount of money was a dream, all I could think was that the sky was the limit with that money. Unfortunately, things didn't go quite as expected. Since the apartment I got was in a rather convenient part of the city, the rent was ridiculously high. I always took taxis everywhere I went, and spent my money on stupid things. It hadn't even reached six months by the time I was evicted from my apartment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:52:22 -0600

It's the first page... 'cause the chapter heading will take up space for the usual 50 words extra. Which means, it's your first page--or the thing that agents will comb through and make your heart bleed on the floor for. Average page is 250 words. And I personally know that being quiet is really, really tough. I've caught myself a few times this year having to kick myself for reverting back to when I used to not stay quiet and was annoying as anything. So yes! It is tough, but if you develop the skill when you do get published, you won't develop airs and alienate your readership.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:59:08 -0600

Critique: Very ambitious to translate your own work. I'd like to try to read the German, but I'd probably fail miserably, my girlfriend's the expert on that. I'm curious about Numiter more than the writings and wonder if you could include some more about him. For example, "He ignored his aching back and turned the page" or "He stroked his beard wonderingly as he idly paged through his responsibility." I guess it depends what exactly his job entails. Is he looking for some information? I'm going to point out some minor translational problems and you can take them or not worry about them if this is going to be primarily for German-speakers: "lantern standing" -> to my ears this sounds a little awkward, maybe try "lantern resting" or "setting". When I think of "standing" I think of legs and feet, which I do not think this has. "he carefully stroke" -> "he carefully stroked" (past tense) "from before 400 years" -> maybe try "who lived 400 years ago" or "living 400 years ago" "those that he had troubles with" -> the rule in English is that we are not supposed to end sentences with a preposition. So this should be: those with which he had trouble(s) (To be more idiomatic, you might use the singular.) Genre: Historical fiction or Science Fiction Turn Page/Buy: Yes, probably for my girlfriend if it's auf Deutsch!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

aaalllyyysssaaaaa — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:00:09 -0600

Okay, thanks for the advice everyone! It is young adult science fiction.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:06:33 -0600

Like this enough that I checked out your profile for more information - what an intriguing idea. Love it - I could picture L12's flight beautifully. If I was to be uber-picky I'd day that the one word that I paused over was "carefully". All your other writing was so strong that carefully didn't quite fit for me. Maybe "L12 picked her way to the other side"? Genre : YA from the "tiny legs" of the protagonist and fantasy. Turn page, definitely. I'd go for an A- because this stood out for me as an interesting start to what promises to be a novel concept.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:10:39 -0600

Congrats on winning! I like your setting. Critique: You are introducing a lot of characters, very quickly if this is the first 200 words. I need to know what I need to know, when I need to know it, if you catch my drift. This is a little too fast paced for me. I would recommend another four or five sentences to each paragraph. I'll do the first one just e.g. "... Line.' Renee's father said. He was a squat man in his fifties, always with a cigarette in his mouth. He held the paper like a life raft and he was adrift in this World War." Something like that, before bring in Vincent with his familiar Sunday morning knock. Is it Renee or Renée? Genre: Historical Fiction Turn Page/Buy: Probably have to turn the page to see where things go, but I'm not much of a fan of the genre

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

596 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:23:32 -0600

This is a portion taken from the last chapter of my book I just wrote, still in the process of writing: “Oh. Why?” Sheba brushed the stringy, dark hair out of her face and back over her ear. “Am I not your type?” The brilliant light of the room unveiled an aging but still attractive, exuberant face behind the excessive make-up – a libidinous vitality amplified by the dewiness of her wide, vibrating eyes. “Sure, sure. You're very beautiful. I just need to find my friend.” Sheba smiled at his comment but the previous sensuality she exhibited had diminished. Her erotic voice turned coarser than it already was. “I guess she's with the other girls.” “Alright, well can you find her for me?” “I can't-” She held her forearm up and rubbed it up and down as she raised her cheeks up without a smile “I go where Mr. Cody wants me to go.” “Hey, Cody.” Isra shouted across the room. Cody turned his attention away from some gentlemen he was conversing with and walked over to Isra with a hand in his pocket, the other holding a cigarette. “Can I.. help?” Cody punctuated himself with a sniffing laugh. “Yeah.” Isra raised his head slightly and looked down into Cody's face. “I want Sheba to go and check where Li is for me.” “But Isra, my pal.” Cody took his other hand out of his pocket and rested it firmly on Isra's arm. “Everything you could ever want. It's in this very room.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:27:12 -0600

Critique: First of all, I really like that in the first sentence you already have us anticipating the ending. Unfortunately you lost me in the rest of the paragraph. If you're going introduce a profound opening like that, you have to explain a little about what is a "happy ending" the main character. You took off with the "happy" part and that's all right, but what is an "ending"? Also, I would advise to trim down the "happy"s. How about "I earned the chance [to work hard] for a good life"? How about "aims to pursue a career as [an Alligator inspector]" Also, "It hadn't even reached six months by the time" is a little clumsy/wordy. How about "After just six months, I was evicted"? "all I could think was that" is also wordy. How about "a dream and like a dog with bag of food in front of him, I could imagine ever being hungry." Genre: Could be anything, Mainstream fict? Chic lit? Turn Page: Not after that second sentence, sorry.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:30:57 -0600

I disagree with misterchip 100, I adore the opening. It's got that first person, I know I'm writing a story, and here I am feel that I love at a start. I'd never recommend it for everyone, but I read through Maximum Ride and A Series of Unfortunate Events with it, so... :D However, if that 4th wall breakage doesn't come through routinely, I'd recommend scraping it. It can be jarring if it's not a story "quirk". I love the first sentence, it's got a slightly disjointed feel, but the voice that comes through is excellent. I get the view of someone who is trying to get a story out and having trouble starting! :D I think there should be a comma "...the kitchen[,] the morning after the..." And then a period after "before" and in front if "I knew". "The door was mercifully open, or I think I’d still be standing there still – just hoping that if I stood behind it listening to the sounds beyond it, somehow, magically, I wouldn’t have to open it at all." This sentence is confusing... It took me a bit to get that the door was open, if it'd been closed she'd be in front of it, listening and not wanting to open it? I'd shorten it and clarify. The sentence after makes me think that this is a fantasy, but it's not clear why she wouldn't want to open the door, and there's not sense of foreboding that would make me think somehthing bad lurks behind it, so... I just end up confused. And I adore the last sentence! It defintely would make me read on, but I'd probably spend a while looking at the awkward sentence, looking at the back of the book, and then trying to figure out wether to go on or not (if it was in a bookstore). But I would eventually flip the page! Buy it? Depends on whether the door thing is clarified. :D Genre: I'm guessing Paranormal or Fantasy, YA or possibly MG but not all that likely. Grade: B ...I'm unsure about it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:36:35 -0600

I like it! I hope you edit and try to publish. Critique: I would imagine that the worker's tone would not be lost in the wind, just his actual words and meaning. Maybe you can play with that with something like "his shouted curses" or "his easy insults." As long as you explain what Bellwethers and Lumians are I think the rest of this passage is golden. Genre: SciFi or YA Turn Page: Maybe, I'm kind of picky with SciFi because there's so much of it. I'd probably have to have this recommended to me before I turned to page 2. Grade: A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:42:27 -0600

Thanks, I'll definitely go back and try and introduce everyone more reasonably :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:45:32 -0600

And it is Renée - just haven't done the global find and replace yet!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

dugfalk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:47:54 -0600

Critique: Good imagery, but some of the wording is a little clumsy. I agree with the other reviewer that it's a little unclear what's going on between the "Atafatur day" and "French doors." On the one had we have the easily ubiquitous nature of being trapped inside due to inclement weather and on the other hand some words which don't seem to be Earth. Why do the windows "take the form of" French doors. Is the "glass" part of French doors a necessary thing to note. You could draw attention to this more some how: "The only windows in the room sparkled in the form of ..." Genre: Fantasy or SciFi? Turn the page: I would. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:49:01 -0600

Jahn quickly swallows the last bite of his small sandwich. “That was good...” he says with a grunt. “Too bad it’s the first and last one ‘til tomorrow.” “Here, take the rest of mine.” I abruptly thrust my hand to him. He stares at my food for some long seconds. “Luce, I can’t...” “Take it! You need it more.” Another pause, then he grabs and shoves it in his mouth, nodding once, and we both turn toward Hightown, clearly visible even at this distance, 700 or so stories above the rest of the horizon. I strap on my pack and avoid Jahn’s eyes. “I’ll find more than enough in the District tower...more than I care to...” I mumble. Suddenly he grabs my elbow, turning me, and he’s shaking his head, “You’ll never make it out of there, man.” I just start nodding, and feel my face pinch up, “She’s in there...with Heiss, I’m sure...in his...outfits” I spit out bitterly. “Luce, Sara may be in there, lookin’ high, but she’ll never be with him, and you know that”, but he lets go of my arm, looking lost. “It’s OK man. Hey we’ll see you soon...it’s only 15 seconds to terminal velocity after we jump out of there!” I’m grinning wide now, “Heiss could never stomach it.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:49:55 -0600

“Okay, if I talk Mr. Alter into re-arraigning my third period art history class… I might be able to get out of seventh period American Lit with Mrs. Faulkner,” Avery mused, leaving said seventh-period class. “Of course, it seems irresponsible to leave after one day, but, honestly, I just don’t think I’ll succeed.” She rolled her eyes, feeling cheesy. Avery probed her thoughts; did she really want to abandon her class due to a desire to succeed? Was it just her dislike of the overly strict teacher? She mentioned the possibility into her recorder. Checking the time, she considered skipping her last class: Eugenics: a History. Her mother although, would know she was skipping. She was teaching the first portion of the class –Avery had spent the whole summer trying to persuade her not to. Better to just go, she decided, even if she would know most of what was being covered. Mrs. Faulkner was a very good teacher –supposedly. So, if she made it out of the class alive, she would be better suited. Of course, failing the class would be… bad. “I’ll put more thought into it,” she told the recorder, mind still spinning alternate scenarios.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:53:00 -0600

I think it would definitely help to add a sentence like that, but you're right -- it's hard to convey much in 200 words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:57:14 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

go-mom — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:57:51 -0600

There was going to be a body count. That’s what happened when you put together a bunch of guys with itchy trigger fingers, along with some serious firepower, then let them stew in the blazing sun for a few hours. Adrenaline and bullets made for a lethal combination. But as the powers that be had told Hart Jones and his crew, there was no other choice. So now the boys waited it out, sweating bullets at the Calexico border crossing. Hart wiped the sweat from his face and pushed back his wet hair. It was mid-December, but it felt like mid-July. He was used to calling the shots more than taking orders. But this time, given the circumstances, some major heavyweights were involved on both sides of the border. Once politicians got into the mix, things just seemed to take on a life of their own. Those guys had their own agendas. All Hart hoped was that he and the boys weren’t going to go down in a blaze of glory to make some guy up on the hill look good. “Christ, man! How long do they expect us to sit out here and wait?” Robbie Ortiz checked the scope on his rifle. Again. “Long as it takes,” Hart muttered. “So you’d better watch out and you’d better not cry.” It was the week before Christmas.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mutewitness — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:00:52 -0600

Thank you everyone! I appreciate the help!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

go-mom — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:04:06 -0600

OK. This looks interesting to me. I can feel the tension building in the scene already. Genre: action/adventure or thriller Age: adult Buy it: I would want to know more. Need a "Why" Page turner: Yes! Curious about who Sara and Heiss are, and why they are jumping at terminal velocity.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:04:40 -0600

Jaevan had last spoken thirteen years ago, right before his premonition of the Aerie in flames. He had seen changers falling from the sky shot down in a hail of arrows: crows, owls and more returning to human form as they died. The images had overwhelmed him with the knowledge of his guilt. It was all his fault. The vision that had just struck him was as momentous. His father lay on his deathbed, poisoned by the brother who would assume the throne Jaevan was unfit to inherit. Jaevan struggled to speak, but the shutters in his mind remained as resilient as ever. The pressure in his head grew: a throbbing pain at his temples. He pressed his hands to his head and moaned. In a heartbeat Sylas knelt at his side: dear, faithful Sylas. "What is it, my prince? Are you unwell?" Sylas brushed the hair from Jaevan's forehead with his fingertips and scanned Jaevan's face. Jaevan gasped, his hands clenching by his sides. His throat constricted, as if choked by an unseen hand and tears started to his eyes. Then with a voice hoarse with disuse he stared into Sylas's face and whispered, "My father is dying. Marklin will come."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:15:37 -0600

Thanks :) I actually regretted writing it in first person halfway through! Yep, it's fantasy, and I was trying to go for the feel of someone who didn't want to start telling the story.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:16:25 -0600

I had actually noticed those errors, so probably should've rectified before posting. Thanks for your input!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:16:44 -0600

I love the visuals in the first paragraph, particularly the rings from the raindrops. I don't think you need both "calm and "placid" in that sentence, though. In the second paragraph, the 'it' was distracting to me. The paragraph just didn't have the same flow as the first one did, and I wonder if you could imply there's an "it" without using the word. Maybe, "...turned her head quickly. It looked like the last bit of a firework..." I realize you may be doing that for a reason, though. Looks like fantasy to me. Can't tell the target age. I'd keep reading. A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

intrikate — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:33:49 -0600

First let me say I enjoyed this. it reminded me of sitting up at night watching old westerns with my dad. I think you must be doing this intentionally, and if you are I really like the way it gives the western equivalent of a noir feeling to this, but just in case you aren't, there are a lot of idioms all packed into a small space here. "itchy trigger fingers," "serious firepower," "sweating bullets," "calling the shots," etc. I had to pause in the vicinity of "major heavyweights" to make sure I had read that right. Maybe if you mention the politicians first. Western, adult I kind of love this, really. I'd definitely turn the page, and if I were in an airport and had to pick a paperback without looking further I'd buy it and hope the whole book followed in the style. The first page gets an A from me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tune_ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:37:11 -0600

1. Critique?: There's not much to critique, but the only thing I spotted wrong with it is the conjunctions, or lack thereof. Some parts were worded a bit strangely, such as: "[...] some major heavyweights were involved on both sides of the border." and "[...] to make some guy on the hill look good." I'm sure both of them make sense in context, but like I said, it's hard for me to understand what you mean. And the last part: "it was the week before Christmas." I'm sure it doesn't just end like that, but that sentence alone just seems more awkward than anything. 2. Genre and age group?: Probably R; this just seems like it's going to get very, very violent later on. x3 3. Buy it or turn the page?: I'd buy it. ^^ 4. Grade?: a high B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ramblejack — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:37:39 -0600

1. Critique: As a person who watches MMA, I think the first couple of sentences set the tone very nicely! I picked up right away that she was in some sort of cage match. This is the first, rough draft so there will be a lot of rewriting for all of us, but you caught my interest right away. "The first time Joy Stratford saw Alex Bonheur, he distracted her. She saw him, looked again, and had time to see him smirk before a fist smashed into her face." A great opening, and as others said, maybe just a bit of shortening of the sentences will make the action pop even more ... for example - "The first time Joy saw Alex, she had just enough time to see him smirk before someone's fist smashed into her face." (This may not be the way you want to introduce them, but just as an example of tightening up the prose. It's your story and you know how you want to tell it.) The jump to the second paragraph slowed me down quite a bit. I was hoping for more action, since you set it up nicely, but you sort of take me out of the story by describing the setting rather than having Alex living through it. I expected she wants to throw her opponent into the jukebox on the far wall of the bar to make a point. Or maybe (since you're describing her frustration with racy clothes) she makes fun of the opponent's skimpy costume in her head as she dances around the ring? Or she smells the aftershave mixed with cigar smoke. Hears her opponent's breath. Get in close and personal- this fight is the most important thing to Joy right now, so I had a hard time believing she would be thinking about the locker room. Cage fighters are a pretty focused lot. Swearing, even coarse words, don't really bother me if it's in the context of the character. This doesn't seem gratuitous to me. 2. Genre: Maybe YA or mainstream pulp. Could go either way, depending on how you write it. 3. Buy or turn the page? As someone else said, it's still a rough draft, but I'd probably keep going a while longer to see how the first scene settles out. Still exciting? Then I'd buy it. It's what I do for any novel that grabs me with the first few lines. 4. Grade? First paragraph is solid. A-. Second paragraph is a bit slow for my taste, so B. Thanks for sharing!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:38:23 -0600

Thank you, guys! (Seriously, you've blown me away). Your suggestions have all been so helpful, too! @ ZeroDraftingGenius: Oh wow, I did not even NOTICE that little conflict. Thank you so much for pointing it out :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tune_ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:46:22 -0600

1. Critique?: Given the fact I have no idea what the morphing birds have anything to do with the rest of it, I'm just going to assume it's a somewhat supernatural story. Not to mention that I don't know who the king is supposed to be. Is it Jaevan? Wait, no, that Sylas person called him a prince... I'm so confused D: The only real errors {besides how confusing I found it to be} is this: "Jaevan struggled to speak, but the *shutters* in his mind remained as resilient as ever." ... Shutters? What? xD And, "[...] and tears started to his eyes." I know it wasn't intentional, but still. 2. Genre and age group?: Historic fiction? And probably PG{13?} 3. Buy it or turn the page?: Turn the page. ^^; 4. Grade?: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:49:39 -0600

Ha ha....I suspected as much. No problem. I don't understand all the fantasy stuff.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:49:49 -0600

Here's mine. Disclaimer: I realize it is a little rough; my inner editor hates this intro. But, I figured I would get the Nano critique before touching it. Thanks in advance to all! I opened the door to my new room in Parva, Louisiana and was unexpectedly pleased to see a spacious room almost identical to the one at home. It even had a similar window in the right corner; complete with multicolored plush pillows. My new bed was topped with a silky duvet, just the way I like it. The headboard was mahogany wood, the wood of peace; it enticed me. Suddenly, I was very sleepy. I pulled back the covers to take a quick snooze. Before I could even react, a six-foot copperhead spitefully hissed at me. I shrieked in utter shock, and then in a fuzzy haze proceeded to back out slowly and innocently, just like they did it on the animal channel. The snake hopped to the floor – snakes can do that? – and slithered maliciously towards me. It opened its mouth really wide, and… Started vibrating? My eyes popped open as I jolted awake, my breathing jagged. I sat up in my bed, clutched my silk duvet with a clammy palm, and flicked on the light. Whoa, I was still in golden state? I was still in my hometown, Glade? Finally noticing the vibrating phone on my bedside table, I pressed the button to answer my going away present. The iPhone nearly slipped out of my sweat-slicked palm. I croaked, “Hello?” “Babe?” My boyfriend shouted. “Damien?” My head was still foggy from that nightmare about Louisiana. I glanced at the clock. “Good God, why are you awake at 3 o’ clock in the morning?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tune_ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:52:18 -0600

"What are you doing here?" Jason growled in frustration, clutching on to the door frame for support as he stumbled a bit and lost his balance. Darkened and spiteful eyes narrowed at cold, calculating blue ones. Jason took a menacing step toward the sickly thin frame of the intruder before him, and a fraudulent, deceitful sneer flashed across the other mans lips. The strange and malevolent aurora of the man cascaded off him in seemingly endless waves, creating a thick fog of tension between the two. The only thing that could be heard through the silence was Jason's heavy breathing and his unwelcome visitors' briefcase snapping open in the pale moonlight. "It's all for... scientific interest." His voice came calm and secure as ever as he approached a fear-stricken Jason, a syringe readily in hand.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:55:16 -0600

1. Critique? I'm intrigued, interesting paragraph! Notes: - Is this an intro? If it is, I feel like it could have more details. Granted, it's only the first 200 words, but honestly, I have no clue what is going on. - The grammar was slightly distracting. Remember to keep your punctuation in the quotes, and just as a general rule, if the number is under 100, spell out the words. 15 = "fifteen" - As mentioned previously, I'm completely lost what is going on. I'm sure you explain this further, but all I know is that Jahn is about to do something important. 2. Genre and age group? Adventure? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page... just to know what is going on. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A solid B. It has potential once cleaned up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:59:43 -0600

1. Critique? The only "problem" I found was the sentence at the end. "It was the week before Christmas." It confused me because it seemed out of place. Maybe introduce it earlier? Or have Hart tell Robbie? On the flip side... I liked this! It was VERY well written, grammatically correct, and easily read. I don't know if you intended this, but I particularly liked the "sweating bullets" and "calling the shots". I thought, "heh heh! Shots...bullets...guns, I get it!" 2. Genre and age group? Adult. That's all I can tell. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn several pages, and probably buy! 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gort — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:59:53 -0600

Thanks for the feed back!!! I should have fixed the formatting; I meant to indent... my bad. All of my great Enemies were mentioned: comma use/abuse, long sentences, and passive voice. It feels like the kind of mistakes I make don't change (at least it means I'm consistent). So I'll have plenty to fix for my second and third drafts. Thanks again y'all.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:01:05 -0600

1. Critique? Okay, this seriously reminds me of those ridiculous British comedy authors (think Douglas Adams) where the story goes into some insane spiral that makes absolutely no sense until its brilliant climax. The catch, of course, is that there's a lot of serious polishing needed. All of the commentary in parenthesis, for instance. 2. Genre and age group? Probably that all ages but mainly adult group, and humor/sci-fi 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page! 4. Grade? B (because of the potential)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:02:19 -0600

1. I like it! The narration really conveys L12's hurry; I'm interested in seeing what happens next. For nitpicks, L12 is an... awkward looking name - I kept trying to make it into a word with only letters and failing. L-12, or L-Twelve (if it's twelve and not one two) wouldn't have that problem, though I think if I met more number-designated characters I'd get used to it. What are "patchwork colored crystals"? I get the impression that it's crystals colored like a patchwork quilt, but I think it might be less initially confusing to say something like "It tore her patchwork skirt, sending shards..." or maybe "It tore through the crystals of her patchwork skirt, sending shards..." Last in the "initial confusion" department, I'd say "Chasm River" rather than "river Chasm", because I'm assuming that's the name of the river, and not a river that happens to be in some kind of especially-capitalized chasm. 2. For genre, I'd say science fiction, especially with the numbers-for-names convention, but I could be convinced for fantasy. 3. I would definitely grab it, even with just this much - I want to see why L12 wasn't with the group and what Krystallos Prime is like!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:07:06 -0600

1. Critique? - Grammar: minor issues: onto, instead of on to. "man's lips", not "mans lips". - Adjectives and adverbs: you're very wordy. This is not necessarily a bad thing, however; it is slightly distracting. Less is more most of the time. I would like the third sentence ten times better if you took out "cold" and just used calculating. You could use either sickly or thin, but I feel it isn't necessary to use both. Same story with fraudulent and deceitful... either or deal. I do like the sentence: "The only thing that could be heard through the silence was Jason's heavy breathing and his unwelcome visitors' briefcase snapping open in the pale moonlight." -- Although, I thought it was just one visitor. I can't tell if this is a typo or if there are more than one visitors. 2. Genre and age group? Adult or teen, thriller 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tune_ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:12:59 -0600

Oops, my mistake. There was only one 'visitor' -- I didn't catch that at all. And thanks for the critique, I'll keep all of it in mind when I edit. ^^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:15:34 -0600

1. Critique: Nice opener pulls me in and I want to keep reading immdiately! Good job! It portends toward action that I'm instantly curious about, wanting more. (as I funny aside here, and I hope you read this with a smile, the juxtaposition of your author photo is slightly jarring in contrast right next to your "tough-guys" story! ;)) Overall my first impression is very positive to your well-written first paragraphs--it's pretty-good stuff so far, and I like I said, I genuinely want to read more! Before specific editorial suggestions below, and I'm no expert, I want to say that even though the strict past-tense that flows throughout your excerpt is probably grammatically correct, the first three sentences seem to give away too much somehow, of what I might otherwise want to still be wondering about, like in the sentence "Adrenaline and bullets made for a lethal combination", it's like it's all going to turn out very badly and 'it's already happened', which perhaps you totally intend us to see that it will turn out that way, but as reader I'm not sure I want to know all of that yet. I don't want to know ahead that maybe everybody's just going to get wiped out really soon. For example, when Ortiz and Hart are talking and it feels more 'here and now', I want to identify and bond with them, but I may be less likely to do that now because I'm worried that they, or a bunch of them (who? could be all of them?) are maybe in short order just going to be killed off. But it's also almost like what you start to describe in the latter paragraphs does not match the time frame of your first paragraph, but I am supposed to think it does somehow, like when you write: "So now the boys waited..." like "now" and 'back then' aren't toghether really, including "but this time..." too, in the second paragarph. Maybe it's just too quick a transition, or incongruous just to me, but I'm trying to get an initial handle on the POV, and perhaps I feel a little jumped-around in my time-perspective too quickly? I feel like I wanted to hear, "adrenaline and bullets..." 'make', or 'seem to make' "a lethal combination." instead of "made for...", so that instead of me thinking, oh, how may bodies...I can't hope for all of them to live, or maybe even any of them, sort of like it's watered down, because now I've been told that I should not root for all of them to survive, because some or all of them are definitely are not going to live. Maybe it could be, "It seemed inevitable that there would be a body count." so that I can still wonder if it's really all that inevitable, i.e., maybe they will make it out of this situation. Then again, maybe you intentionally want to paint an unwinnable or 'partly-or-mostly-already-beaten' position right at the beginning, but that lack throws water on my anticipatory hope right at the very beginning of a story that I 'hope' to read, does that make sense? Other thoughts you might consider: 2nd sentence after "fingers": drop the comma and change "along with" to "and" for better pacing. 3rd sentence after "combination": could also change period to comma and combine the next sentence, also for pacing. I've served in the Army in real life, and in the last sentence of 1st paragraph, I'd like to see "men" instead of boys, unless they are actually boys, and "guys" in the 2nd sentence doesn't distinguish it. I just assume they're men somehow, maybe I shouldn't? Drop Robbie out of "Robbie Ortiz", at least initially. Guys, with guns, often want to call each other just by last names. Then I'm more in an actual scene with those guys, because it's in the dialogue, right? ...instead of me being reminded that I'm a reader and need to hear a full name. You can fill it in later when you flesh out the character more after first getting my buy-in and believability started up. Your last paragraph was/is just perfect! I loved it. Perfect! the contrast of the line in a "kid's" song, with the 'tough guys' is so like some tough guy might joke around with for sarcastic effects with his buddies. Keep going! 2. Genre and age group: Mainstream YA/adult political action thriller or military-ish spy action...? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Good chance could buy this! 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Macabeak — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:17:21 -0600

1. Critique? Well, I'm hooked for sure. Even just scrolling through the page, the first sentence made me pause, take a mental step back, and hunker down for the whole thing. It's intriguing and the whole thing flows well. Honestly, even though blunt critiques are best, I have nothing bad to say about this, or even minor nitpicks. 2. Genre and Age Group - Mainstream Fiction, Young Adult? 3. Buy it, actually, if the back of the book was interesting enough. 4. Solid A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:22:18 -0600

Thank you so much for saying it is "manly fiction"! I am a woman and I was afraid that I couldn't write from a man's point-of-view convincingly! Especially such a despicable one. This man is not the MC of the book--he is a very minor character and quickly dealt with! And the use of "mother" was meant to show that he had no warm feelings for her or any other woman. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique it! I really appreciate your input!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:25:51 -0600

See if I understood this right. Firts < 200 words of my story: Tomasso was tossing back and forth in the starched bed linen. His lithe body was a restless storm, but it was the tornado of thoughts that kept him from sleeping. In the last month the sleepless nights had begun to outnumber the peaceful, but even if they put dark circles under Tomasso’s crisp, blue eyes and slowed his brisk steps the slightest, they couldn’t change the things that mattered. No visible sign of sleep-deprivation was enough to fool them at this stage; everyone in the village had turned suspicious. Even Tomasso’s dearest friend, Perlita, who had braced herself in the longest, with the willpower of a very headstrong Italian woman, had finally asked herself the question that tied the rest of the villagers together in a Gordian knot. It was time to move on before the tittle-tattle turned from suspicious whispers in the dark to full-blown accusations in the open. The secret could not under any circumstances come out. God knows what would happen if it left the village. Only one thing was absolutely sure: Lui would know where to find him and the man would be wrathful, if he wasn’t already.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:39:42 -0600

1. Critique? As my fellow WriMoer said, you tedn to use many adjectives withc destracts from the scene instead of adding to it. Try using a few but clear-cut: Ex instead of; Darkened and spiteful eyes narrowed at cold, calculating, blue ones. Dark eyes narrowed at cold ones. (in my opinion calculating would sound rather jarring.. I cannot picture a pair of calculating eyes.. in the same way as a calculating person.) Also I would immidiately want to know if Jason is the one with blue or dark eyes. I'm also not sure if you are actually writing the aura to cascade from the intruder. Reading it like this it is rather visual for me and so I almost see this malevolen fog steam of him.. Don't know if that's what you're going for or if it's an expression of the man's appearance. If it is I'd rewrite it less cryptical. 2. Genre and age group? YA, thriller or si-fi 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (number system -- 1-5; 5 meaning excellent) 3,5

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

memilypoo — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:49:18 -0600

I am running for my life. I am used to fear, but not the panic that has taken over my body now. Why are my legs so slow? Why can't I fly? Why does my throat clutch in pain when I need more air so desperately? I'm having these thoughts, but only one seizes my mind. I am going to die. The sounds the Monster makes as he gives chase could not be described as footsteps. They are partly strange rustlings, like a tree rattling its branches against a window, partly the sound of crab scuttling. But, if it were just that simple a sound, I wouldn't be sobbing as I run. This is not an ordinary creature. He sounds as though he is devouring everything in his path, crawling and enveloping everything, trying to consume everything up to and including me. Someone help me. I am going to die. I had heard of the Monsters, but this was the first time one has appeared here. I don't know if anyone else is alive. I might not have the chance to find out. I am vaguely aware that my feet sting, but only running matters now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:53:34 -0600

1. I think that this could be a very exciting opening scene, but I found it hard to follow because I could not picture clearly where the hunter, fox and keeper are in relation to one another. In paragraph one it seems that the fox is between the hunter and keeper and that the keeper wants to not be seen by the hunter (and probably not shot by him) -- but in the second paragraph, the keeper steps forwards just as the hunter fires, which would put the keeper more into view and into the line of fire. Also, I feel like you're rushing the action in two ways. First, the scene itself feels rushed. You might want to take a bit of time to establish who/what the hunter and keeper are, let the reader get a sense of what might be at stake. You can certainly start with a image to set up the tension -- the hunter's finger on the trigger, or a fox not knowing it might die in the next moment, or an odd silence falling over a forest (probably not all three, lol!) -- but then draw a wider picture, so to speak. Let the reader know the hunter is not alone in the woods, and give us a reason to care about the keeper. Is he hunting the hunter? Is he hiding from pursuers or enemies? Is he hoping to protect the fox? Second, the keeper's movements are very abrupt. He is far away from the hunter, it seems, then moves forward and is suddenly at the hunter's side and jerking him around. If the keeper has some supernatural ability to move swiftly through the woods then you may want to describe that in some detail. (For example, he runs through the trees, crosses a ravine and slips into the bushes near the hunter while the shell casing that was ejected from the hunter's gun is still spinning through the air.) The final line is confusing. I suppose you're trying to build suspense, but it's too early to introduce a threatening new development if a reader is still figuring out what's going on with the hunter and killer. Also, that sentence really needs to be it's own paragraph, since it is not part of the keeper's dialogue and not something of which he's even aware. (The laughter having gone unheard.) 2. Fantasy/SF - adult 3. Might turn the page if I could read Spanish! :) 4. I don't think it's fair to grade because of the translation situation. I hope this is helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:53:35 -0600

1. Critique? Hahaha I was not prepaired on that snake! You totally had me shocked. I must say I laughed when it was the phone vibrating, not the snake.. Alright. I think it's a bit strange to start with a nightmare, unless it will be of importance for the rest of your story.. say, she's going to Louisiana in the morning or something.. Wich seems likely since someone have given her a going-away present. You use some words that I'd consider changing; snooze -- nap, hopped -- jumped, Whoa -- ...... I don't know what you mean by "Glade?" As in relieved or not at stll being in the hometown.. Or the hometown is called Glade?.. Love the name Damien. 2. Genre and age group? YA 3. Buy it or turn the page? Nja.. since it started with this dream I have no idea about how her life in Lousiana is going to be and I'm not amazingly intrigued to find out. 4. Grade? (number system -- 1-5; 5 meaning excellent) 3

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:13:54 -0600

I wouldn't be so quick to scrap the first paragraph. Assuming that Irida is a resident of Awnn, you could start with her IN that place and let the opening express her feelings. (The following is me sort of guessing at your intentions with the story, so pls forgive any boo-boos!) ------------ Irida had always felt that her homeland Awnn was most beautiful in those sparing moments when the moon had fallen but the sun had yet to peek over the horizon. The grey morning glistened with possibilities. The sky, like curls of molten ore, whispered of unspoken secrets and unfulfilled possibilities. She believed that the dawn shed a special light over the world, allowing the eyes to perceive the world as it was, rather than as it was imagined. It was a time when good and evil, right and wrong ceased to strangle thought and personal morality ruled. Simply put, it was freedom and it was tantalising. Smiling a bit at herself for such high thinking, Irida moved a finger to trace the simple pendant about her neck. Paused. That familiar weight was gone. She should have remembered -- but her choice, made in the shadow of a night many moons past, seemed far away. ------------------- I'm afraid I just do not get the meaning/purpose of the rest of the second paragaph ("the ecstasy of absolution," etc.). It feels like the ending of a story, not the beginning. Perhaps you're trying to foreshadow something, or refer back to a special event that the reader will experience later, but it's just confusing. Anyway, I hope this is helpful! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:16:59 -0600

I think this is solid writing, and it makes for a good intro. But I have a serious problem with it: I'm disgusted with your character for thinking, even in a nightmare, that a copperhead can be "spiteful" or "malicious." I don't want to spend one more page with this person, let alone a whole book. Ever seen that old James Bond (Sean Connery) flick where he finds a snake in his bed? He doesn't blame the frightened snake for its perfectly understandable behavior.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilbirdy — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:17:32 -0600

I liked this. I think it was a quick background sketch about how the daughter claimed the crown. I would like to know more. I would buy this!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Obasi42 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:22:05 -0600

1. Critique? "I am having these thoughts, but only one seizes my mind" could be better written given the context. The other thoughts are all very gripping, emotional thoughts. "I am going to die" is shocking, but it seems to be the least likely thought to "seize the mind" in the thoughts you listed. I think the sentence would work better if it was something similar to "All of these thoughts and more raced through my mind, but one stood out above the rest." "They are partly strange rustlings, like a tree rattling its branches against a window, partly the sound of crab scuttling" doesn't flow well. I had to read it twice to really understand it. How about "They are partly strange rustlings -- like those of a tree rattling its branches against a window -- [AND] partly the sound of a crab scuttling [some prepositional phrase would go nicely here, like: across dry, rough sand]." "But, if it were just that simple a sound, I wouldn't be sobbing as I run. This is not an ordinary creature. He sounds as though he is devouring everything in his path, crawling and enveloping everything, trying to consume everything up to and including me." Too much repetition of the word "everything" unless you're doing it porposefully. I can't tell one way or the other, so make it more obviously a literary technique rather than just poor writing, or find some similes. The word "sound" could also be changed in one of the two places. The sentence at the very end seems misplaced. The first couple of paragraphs build up a level of suspense that is transitioned to a lower, more matter-of-fact tone in the third paragraph. I'd suggest putting the very last sentence at the end of the second full paragraph. It seems to fit there much better. If the running away from the Monster continues, then I'd find a better place to put "I had heard of the Monsters... chance to find out." It seems to intrude in the conflict and it ruins the plot tension that was so well laid out. "I had heard of the Monsters, but this [IS] the first time one has appeared here." "Is" should replace "was." 2. Genre and age group? Adult/teen fantasy/thriller? Sorry, I'm bad at this. :p 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definitely turn the page, and possibly buy it. It looks really interesting. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

go-mom — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:22:45 -0600

Wow! Thank you for all your great suggestions, which I will be able to use. I want this to have the right sound and feel. In reality, I am a cookie-baking mom who loves edgy action-thrillers. So glad you found the photo funny too!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:22:53 -0600

Thanks for the critique Fiona W and fni. Fiona- my character is quite the snob, huh?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:27:16 -0600

When he heard the whistle, the Golden Retriever immediately turned and ran to his master. Katherine knew her foster parents expected her to respond to the whistle as well, but refused to do so. She was a child, not a dog. The girl remained where she was pretending to examine the white Frisbee she was holding. Katherine, only ten years old, wore pink shorts and a white pull over shirt. She had been wearing flip-flops, but removed them when she began playing with the dog. The man called, "Kathy!" Katherine ignored this call, also. Her name was Katherine, and she did not like her foster family trying to shorten her name. She had told them this several times nearly every day since coming to live with them over a year ago. She turned the Frisbee over to examine the underside. The girl who had loaned her the disk had written her name with a green marker, 'Jodi A'. Her foster mother called out rather sharply, "Katherine Josephine, come here right now." Katherine responded by turning and jogging toward her foster family. She was about halfway across the park when something strange happened. The park disappeared. So did all the people.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

go-mom — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:28:00 -0600

Thank you and I am considering your suggestions!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

catwritewell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:34:18 -0600

Thanks very much for your critique. I was (am) worried a bit about the first line, but it is important to the plot, so I'll play with it. If emotions such as jealousy and resentment and thwarted ambition can be counted as action, that happens pretty quickly. Interesting that you came up with Romantic Mystery. I have been telling people it is a mystery with a love story.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MatthewH — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:36:26 -0600

Thanks for the response, even if it's not what I wanted to hear. I knew I wasn't good at reading my own writing, I know what it means and I struggle to work out how much sense it'll make to someone who doesn't, but I'd hoped it wasn't that bad. Your guesses at what's happening are a pretty long way off, so I'm definitely doing something wrong there. I think that if there was a title and blurb with it then the setting and what they're doing would be a bit clearer, but it's probably a bad idea to be relying on that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:37:59 -0600

1. You've got the fairytale lingo down cold, and the first two paragraphs are perfect. Absolutely brilliant. But I'm confused by the fact that your opening tells an entire story. I was expecting it to set up an exciting tale involving the youngest son. (Yeah, I was expecting a boy because it's always the youngest son. I'm thrilled stupid that it's a daughter instead!) Although I love what the daughter did, I'm really confused as to how this works as an opening page in a novel. If this is a story within a story, perhaps it could be in the form of dialogue? (An adult reading to or preaching to a child for instance.) If it's not a story within a story but actually sums up your actual tale, I really recomend you not give away the ending and do something like this instead: ... All of Wynster knew of the son’s quest and his determination to stay alive long enough to claim the throne. (And even those who murmured amongst themselves as it become clear he would never leave the castle couldn't really blame him.) But no one in the Kingdom could ever have foreseen what would happen when the King's youngest child, the royal Princess, decided it was time to conquer a dragon of her own. 2. Fantasy / Humor 3. If it's a set-up, turn the page with excitment. If it's an ending-giver-awayer, turn the page in confusion. 4. A+ for style and wit, C for confusion. Sorry! --- I hope I haven't completely misunderstood your intentions, and that some of this is helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

catwritewell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:38:35 -0600

1. Critique? Intrigued me. The descriptions of the place grabbed my attention. Question : woken? Could you use awakened? And I have a thing about repeating a phrase in one paragraph as with "out of her depth." Is there another way you can say it that is nearly parallel but not identical? 2. Genre and age group? There was a certain foreboding element that made me think Mystery...but hey, that's my gig! 3. Read another page to see what "out of my depth" leads to. 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:39:16 -0600

1) Thank you? I feel like a liar now, though.... I'm slowly re-reading my novel, and I'm starting to think you're right; parody doesn't really seem to fit the novel. A humourous slightly-reality? An eccentric man deserving eccentric prose is my justification for many "faults" in my novel. Although, I couldn't dare be an irritating author. Not flawless, but not irritating either. 2) Absurdist comedy - I like it. I might just change my genre to that. It makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. 3) Yay! 4) A good grade to me. Thanks for the critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:40:55 -0600

Ah well, not everything is like a golden coin that pleases everyone. I thank you for your honest critique though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Erecura — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:49:36 -0600

Terror welled in her throat. She wanted to sob, but she watched, horribly entranced, as her captor lifted the poker out ot the fire, its tip gloing white hot with the flames that had licked it a moment before. Her breath came out unevenly as she stared at the fire, the glow of the poker searing itself intot eh back of her eyelids, so that every time she blinked she saw the flames, hot and ready to touch her bare skin. The touch of the iron was the most painful thing she had ever felt. It took her breath away, rendEring her unable to do anything but scream. As the iron sank deeper into her skin she saw the man smile. Then everything went black. * Less than 200, but the most I could do and still have full paragraphs.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:52:00 -0600

1. Critique? I liked it. The thing I just noticed was, the narrator isn't panicking. As a reader, I'm not panicking. I'm just calmly reading a scene where I'm supposed to feel scared. Maybe you can help this by shortening your sentences and cutting them, to give it more of that urgent feel? I liked the "I am going to die" sentence. It gave me chills. =] One last bit. Change "Monster" into the actual name of the creature. We'll get that it's a monster if you call it Serpent or Wendigo or Bigfoot, really, so don't worry about us. 2. Genre and age group? Horror/Thriller/Supernatural. 17+ 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'm sure I'll turn the page. 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:53:13 -0600

Elena woke with a start, knocking her head on the roof of the tiny cabinet where she hid. There were slapping footsteps and the panicked shouts of a woman. Peeking out through the gap between the cabinet and its door, she saw a bright red smear on the shining white linoleum. Then she saw him. A man dressed only in a hospital robe, limping methodically down the hallway, following the cries of the woman. Her throat grew tight. The man’s right arm hung loosely and dripped with blood. His neatly-combed head lolled toward his right shoulder, bouncing with his slow gait. His eyes were covered with a film of opaque whiteness. Her right leg was numb from sleeping in this cramped space. When she tried to move it, it made a tiny bump against the side of the cabinet. The patient stopped. He turned his head toward her hiding place. She froze like a prey animal, willing her heart to slow. The woman cried out again. The man returned to his slow gait. Slowly, after long moments, he stumbled by. The yells and shuffling steps receded. She roughly massaged her calf, trying to think.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TAMaxwell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:10:47 -0600

The Grey Stallion was burning. Flames licked at the sails, climbing higher as they devoured the white sheets that once carried her across the seas. Monsters in pirates’ clothes ran about the ship slaughtering the men she had called friends, brothers, and uncles, their cruel laughter echoing across the deck to her hiding spot. She was huddled behind a stack of crates, too scared to move, too scared to breathe. A man had caught fire now, his clothes burning despite his desperate attempts to put them out. The flames began to scorch his hat, wide brimmed and as blue as the sea. The hat of the Stallion’s captain, the hat of her father. The ship began to shake back and forth, throwing her from her hiding spot. As her father burned, he opened his mouth and screamed. It sounded like “Kate! Kate!” “KATE!” Kate jerked up with a start, her heart racing, and the scene changed from her father’s flaming visage to the sandy-haired face of Gabriel standing by her bed. She took a deep breath as the images of the nightmare faded away.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:17:37 -0600

1. Critique Why no names? The narrator here can access the protagonist's thoughts. Clearly, your protagonist knows her own name, who her captor is, and why he has captured her. There's no reason for me not to know this very quickly -- at least the MC's name by the end of the first paragraph. Oh wait, it's your first scene. I personally think this scene needs to be longer. I mean, I haven't read your book, but you only get so many black-out tickets before you have to explain why your MC has narcoleptic episodes, and 120 words seems pretty quick to be using your first. I want to be able to at least guess about why the character is being tortured, and know how I should feel about it. I mean, maybe this person is a child molester, and completely deserves torture. Also, what's keeping her from escaping? Is she tied up? Is there something she could do to try and escape or foil her captor's attempt to poke her with hot poker? I feel like some of your sentences, with lots of commas, are beautifully written. They're long. A shorter sentence here or there might raise the tension a bit. Grammar minutiae: "so that every time " don't need "that" "Then everything went black." don't need then need a comma after "into her skin" Good stuff: I know the important part of what's going on in the moment, which is good. I like the images. You do a good job of raising the tension here. There's enough time and description for me to process what's going on. 2. Genre and age group? Feels like YA fantasy....but I guess it doesn't have to be. Maybe your avatar is influencing me. Your sentences and vocabulary are really nice for YA. I'm not really getting a sense of who your protagonist is, I suppose this could be the beginning of adult fiction as well, almost any genre really. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I might turn the page, but that this point, no buy. I don't really know why your protag is being tortured, so I don't care what happens to her. Sorry if I'm being overly harsh....feel free to burn my entry to the ground, if you like.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:26:08 -0600

Thank you so much! You're right, I didn't think of the positions, I just saw it so clearly I didn't think to explain. Your points are all very relevant it's helped a lot and hopefully I can make it better, I was already giving up on getting a reply.. And I know I'm not supposed to explain but definitely not fantasy/sf! I'm surprised to see how many write fantasy. Not a popular genre around here.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TAMaxwell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:31:34 -0600

1. Critique? First off, I like it a lot. You give it a good feel that something's very wrong. The MC's sleeping in a cabinet, hiding from something we're not entirely sure what, and you make it understandable WHAT quickly without outright saying anything. The sentence that describes what woke her, "There were slapping footsteps and the panicked shouts of a woman." feels a little weak. I think it's the "there were" that's throwing me off; the sounds could be described in stronger terms than just saying "there were (sounds)". This may be silly, but what sort of light source is she working with? If the cabinet's dark and the outside is bright, she should be affected by the light when she peeks outside at first. On the other hand, if it's dark enough out to not effect her eyesight, would she be able to make out details like his eyes? I'm probably getting too in depth or analytical here, but it's just a thought. The last sentence of the last paragraph gets me a bit hung up. If feels like the transition from "nearly getting caught" to "well, now what?" was too sharp, like she didn't get a chance to breathe, she calmed down too fast. Although I guess if she's used to this sort of thing, it wouldn't be too unusual. I just guessed that since there was someone else alive (the screaming woman) that this whole "hiding in cabinets" thing was kinda new. 2. Genre and age group? Horror/Supernatural? Probably rated R-ish for age group, 17 and up. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy for my brother-in-law. He's crazy about zombies and this SOUNDS like the undead we all know and love. 4. Grade? B? B+? Somewhere around there. It's good :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

candlelightwriter — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:36:16 -0600

Critique: Genre or age group: I think this is a YA either historical fiction but I think most likely fantasy Buy or turn the page: Probably buy, but definitely turn the page to read more. Grade: A Critique: Wow. Not much to critique here. Your first 200 words are very strong. I would love some internal thoughts from Kate as she watches her father burn. Does she call out to him? Does she hide her eyes? Just specific thoughts would be great to help the reader get into her head and it would help develop her voice more. Also I love love love this scene you created, but I actually think you could stretch out this scene longer with more sensory details, name some names of Kate's friends, describe the bad guys. Does a mast fall over and nearly smash her hiding place? What is she wearing? Does she try to signal help from a passing ship? You could make this a bit longer and I would be perfectly content with reading it, it was very enthralling . I was actually a bit sad to find out this was only a nightmare. :) Really, overall, this was a very good first 200 words and sucked me right into your world. Job well done.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

candlelightwriter — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:43:56 -0600

I could see them coming for me long before they reached the house. Through the smudged glass of the upstairs window; I could see their torches coming through the woods. I didn’t have much time. I found a match and in the dark, cobweb confinement of my room, I lit a candle. I locked the door and placed a chair up against the handle in a vain attempt to barricade myself in. But deep inside, I knew it was no use. I was theirs. I was theirs the moment my hands had touched the piano keys downstairs. And there was no use stopping them from taking their rightful property. With shaking legs I made my way across the room to the bookshelf. I removed a dusty wooden box from it. I opened the box and inside of it was sand. No, I felt the substance, even better- dirt. Walking to the door, I grabbed a handful of earth and held it in my palm. Hoping I was doing it right, I blew the dirt off my hand. The grains of soil hung suspended in the air less than a centimeter away from other. I wished this would give me some protection. I would need it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:56:02 -0600

This has an interesting onomonopoetic ringing to it. Tomasso, title-tattle, Perlita. I think it does a good job of adding to a rustic feel. It could make a great opening with a little more picture-painting. Okay, now for critique-y stuff. 1. I could not read "crisp, blue eyes" with a straight face 2. First paragraph: "was" 3x. It would probably be stronger if you rewrote those sentences with no "was" at all. 3. I have no idea what this is about. I got to the end of the passage, and I still have no idea what's causing him to lose sleep. What are they talking about? What question did Perlita ask? Where is Tomasso stepping briskly? How would sleep deprivation make suspicious people LESS suspicious? When I got to "Only one thing was absolutely sure:" I thought, "OKAY, here it comes, something punchy that I can make sense of"...but no. Just another name of some person, and he'll be angry and I have no idea why. This didn't build suspense in the sense that I want to keep reading. It just made me frustrated. At least drop me a hint early so I can speculate. A corset left between his starched bedsheets, indicating a steamy affair? A mysterious disappearance in the village of walking briskly, suggestive of a murder? Wilting leaves on his Italian tomato vineyards, foreshadowing his neglect due to a longing to go to aviation school, against his family traditions? It doesn't have to lay your whole plot bare. I could even even deal with a red-herring detail, just to give me something to cling to. It's weird that you're telling me how everybody feels about something before I know what that something is. genre: Literary historical fiction, based on the Italian woman simile Turn page/buy: Neither at the moment. Sorry if I'm being too critical/don't get it. I don't read much literary stuff. Maybe I am too conditioned by hollywood action scenes!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:59:03 -0600

Thank you for the critique! *type type type*

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KonataIzumi1 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:00:58 -0600

1. Critique You did well with your hook. I was immediately drawn in by your first sentence, and eager to know who 'they' are and why they are coming for your MC. You build suspense, plunging us into action, which makes for an awesome beginning. (I'm going to assume that this is the beginning of your story.) Just be sure to introduce your MC thoroughly at some point in the first chapter and give the reader a reason to care about his life. 2. Genre and age group? Adventure/Horror, Young Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? I never buy until I have a pretty firm grasp or the book (Or they threaten to throw me out.) I would definitely turn the page though. I would read the first chapter then judge whether to buy it or not. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A Mine: ‘Why the fruck did I agree to come to this?’ A crowd screams as the excited chants of the players on the field sound out. The squeals of boisterous cheerleaders slam into his eardrums, annoying the young gentleman in the front row. His nose scrunches as perfume and sweat invade his nostrils without his consent. People are absolutely revolting! Jade green eyes twitch in aggravation as a particularly loud shriek meets him and practically disables his ability to hear. ‘Friggin’ loud banshees. The lot of those underdressed bimbos.’ Arthur Kirkland thinks maliciously. His dark scowl suits his thin, chapped lips well. His aggravated look, the one that he has spent all of his 16 years perfecting mind you, is currently glaring up at the dark clouds accumulating above. The lines in his frown only deepen as rain begins to fall, dampening his wild sandy blonde locks and leaving dark splatters on his black trench coat. With a shiver, he wraps his rough over coat around him to maintain heat. Arthur sighs as he witnesses a clad of black and white begin to group around a single player, screaming and ripping off their soccer jerseys. Alfred! Alfred! Alfred!’ they shout, hoisting their star striker in the air. Sky blue eyes meet ivy greens from their throne in the sky, and Arthur can’t help but grin at the pearly whites that flash towards him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:15:46 -0600

It's interesting how similar our opening scenes are. One thing that stuck out at me: "The flames began to...." followed closely by "The ship began to..." I agree with candlelightwriter that you could draw this out more. What is her reaction when the hat catches fire? When her father burns? When she gets thrown from the hiding spot? When her father screamed? Definitely YA. Not sure what sub genre. Would def turn the page. Not sure if I would buy it. Maybe because I'm so biased to scenes with scared girls hiding?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ZeroDraftingGenius — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:20:33 -0600

Glad I could help. :) I guessed it was a fantasy mostly because of the term "keeper." That's not a very common way to describe someone or their activities in English, or at least not American English, so I thought it might be some sort of special role in a world not quite like this one. Good luck with your novel!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dunmaglas — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:26:11 -0600

Tim should have been terrified, but he wasn’t. After all, this wasn’t the first time one of his aerials ended disastrously. It wasn’t the second time either. The number was closer to seventeen, or was it eighteen? Tim wasn’t sure, all he knew was that the familiar sensation of falling didn’t scare him anymore. His plane was plummeting, but all it was to him was a minor annoyance. He flipped a switch and pulled hard on the steering column. It would be the same as every other time. He’d right himself eight hundred feet above the ground--much too close, but not close enough to kill him. The ground was getting closer, Tim estimated he was down to about eight hundred feet now. This was where he should be pulling up. The nose of his plane should turn up slightly, and his wings should catch a rush of air. But it didn’t. Now Tim’s stomach dropped. He had about thirty seconds before he was a pancake on the rugged hillside. If his plane didn’t catch the wind soon, he was doomed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liza.M — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:37:21 -0600

I meant keeper as in park keeper, forest keeper... maybe it's not the right translation but it was the one I knew, well besides warden, but I liked the sound of keeper better, reminds me of a song... which was of a forest warden I think. Sorry! I'm filling up space here...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:40:44 -0600

"Through the smudged glass of the upstairs window; I could see their torches coming through the woods." seems a little awkward to me. "I could see them coming for me through the smudged glass of the upstairs window long before they reached the house. Their torches burned brightly coming through the woods, which made them easy to spot." the last sentence was just an example, write that however you want to convey the existence of torches. "I locked the door and placed a chair up against the handle in a vain attempt to barricade myself in." Why vain? the mc doesn't know that yet. and anyway, the next sentence does the same thing but better. take out vain. "I was theirs the moment my hands had touched the piano keys downstairs" I think there should be a "from" before the first the. "I removed a dusty wooden box from it." What is "it"? i would suggest changing that to "I removed a dusty wooden box from the third shelf" or whatever. "No, I felt the substance, even better- dirt." I would change this to "But as I felt the substance I realized it was even better then sand- it was dirt." "The grains of soil hung suspended in the air less than a centimeter away from other." to "The grains of soil hung suspended in the air, each one less than a centimeter away from the others." and right after that change wished to hoped. I like it. Interesting, and I would definitely turn the page just to find out who "they" were. If it weren't for the few oddly structured sentences I would give it an A. But without editing a high B+. Good job!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:50:45 -0600

A flame came to life in the darkness. The forest seemed to lean inwards, as if to crush the bit of light out of existence, to stop the unwanted intrusion into this ancient place. Water dripped from the thick pines as the man who held the fire brushed against them. The flame floated slightly above his open hand, glowing with an oddly bright light. It flickered slightly, but wasn’t affected by descending dew, or by the man’s movement. His name was Coran, and his titles were numerous enough that he couldn’t remember more than a tenth of them. Coran had never found out what his family name was, and to be honest he didn’t care. He was simply Coran. That was often enough for people to recognize him. Coran was tired, nearly too tired to sustain the fire. A long but shallow cut ran from the right side of his chest to his left hip, and it let out a slight wash of blood every time he took a step. He still had many miles to go before he could rest, and he knew the thing that was following him wouldn’t give up until he was much worse than dead.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AnimeOtaku — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:57:56 -0600

When I get to the roof I stop. I bend over the railing, stare down at the city below. And I grin. I’m thirty stories up. There’s no way I’ll fall, but I still feel that thrill—that at any second I could plunge over the edge. But I can’t imagine it. I’ve been up here before. I haven’t fallen yet. I check over my shoulder. Gideon’s not here yet. I give him another three minutes. If he isn’t here by then, I’ll look for him. Sometimes he gets lost. Or distracted. Usually that isn’t the case, but I’ll check anyway. I’d rather not take the chance. I turn away from the city, face the stairwell. Still no sign of Gid. No sign of anyone else, either, which is always good. In a Senate complex, it’s always possible that an aide is wandering around, or a Senator is. That’s when Gideon needs to be around—he can actually talk these Senators into believing that we’re aides, or brothers of an aide, or whatever the hell else he comes up with.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:58:27 -0600

1. Critique- Nice writing! You do a bang up job of setting a scene. I like the personification of the forest very much, that drew me in. Nothing to comment on grammar wise. Overall, a very good start. 2. Genre and age group? Adult fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would keep reading 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KonataIzumi1 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:59:40 -0600

Uh, guys? Not to be snobbish, but it's all post and no critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:03:14 -0600

Thanks. I spent a while getting the first page (in my word processor, not what it would be when published) as perfect as possible, so I have something to show someone if they ask to see my book. the rest is covered with spelling and grammar errors. I like to think the writing is as good though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:11:31 -0600

1. Is this the opening passage of your novel? If it is, it isn't very intriguing, and it doesn't really make me want to continue reading it. Technically (i.e. grammar, sentence formation, etc.) there is nothing wrong with it. It all makes perfect sense, but it doesn't introduce us to plot--at least it doesn't seem to do that. 2. YA 3. Neither. Sorry :( 4. Based on the writing, I would give it a B/B+. Based on the content, I would have to give it a C.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:12:24 -0600

With suggestions incorporated... The insistent buzzing of the alarm clock finally stirred Elizabeth Stevens enough to elicit a groan and a clumsy slap at the snooze button. At the sound of tentative whining, she pulled the covers up over her head and pinched her eyes closed tightly willing the day to delay its beginning. After two repeats of this procedure, she finally reached over and clicked off the alarm. The din was immediately replaced by a full-fledged barking frenzy. She sat on the edge of her bed groping for her slippers with her dangling feet when a thought struck her. "It’s the last day of school!" She jumped off the bed, now fully awake and did a little happy dance of joy around the room. It ended painfully when she stepped firmly on a hard plastic squeaky toy, the resulting screech bringing a new level urgency to the barking. If Ellie knew what would transpire that summer, she would have crawled back under the covers and stayed there until school started again. Blissfully ignorant of things to come, she began hunting for her slippers again and shouted over the noise. “Brulee! Be patient! Every morning is the same routine; alarm first, then slippers, then the crate door. It’s always the same order. You should know by now that I am not going to forget about you.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:28:06 -0600

1. Critique? This doesn't seem like a beginning to me. The first paragraph is rather rambling. In paragraph two, your verb tenses do not match. You say "Sometimes he gets lost" but then "Usually that isn't the case". This seems contradictory to me. You have a lot of issues with punctuation. It is difficult to tell in just 200 words, but I would like to read more about what the character saw and felt. What does the building look like? What sounds does he hear? What does it smell like? Is it night or day? Is it hot or cold? 2. Genre and age group?: Adult Action 3. Buy it or turn the page?: Depends on the summary. I liked what I saw on your profile, so I probably would keep reading. 4. Grade?: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Fiona W — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:29:51 -0600

No, I wasn't thinking at all that your character is a snob. Rather, I was annoyed that your character was projecting human spite and human malice onto a snake—an animal that would be nothing but terrified and responding defensively, in that situation.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Liz10 — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:35:34 -0600

1. I agree with fni about how strange it is to start off with a nightmare. I have read some books that start with a nightmare, but it is fairly obvious that what we're reading is in fact a nightmare. The thing is that it doesn't really tell us about the plot. I do, however, like your writing style. 2. No idea, but it is probably a fish out of water story (that is if your MC is moving to Louisiana). 3. Turn the page--hopefully, the next part will inform me on the novel's subject. 4. B- with the potential for an A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:38:16 -0600

Thank you for your critique. It's highly appreciated. And I'm sorry it was such a frustrating read ;)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:39:33 -0600

Ok, to start out I do like it. I have very little idea what it's about, but I get a good feeling from the style of writing. I have read books with seemingly similar characters that I really liked. Ignoring the errors (which I will go into great detail about below) I would most definitely turn the page, and probably download the pdf (I like ebooks. Am I such a monster?) B, or maybe B+ depending on the next page. Again, assuming the errors are fixed. On to the ripping apart of your beautiful 232 words! The swear words. The way you have done it seems as if you haven't decided exactly how adult you want it, and so have placeholders in case someone else reads it. If that is the case, then fine, ignore this part. But if you don't want swear words and are instead using "clean" expletives, I would suggest you stick to established ones, such as darn, freak and frig, shoot. hell and crap too, depending on how clean you're going for. Not made up words. Those are fine to use even in a RL set story, and you can even skip explaining why your people use them for a ways into the book, but you shouldn't have one show up in the first sentence. it's just confusing, and can throw off a possible reader. "A crowd screams as the excited chants of the players on the field sound out." Yeah, you should be able to see why this is kinda odd. I would change to "The crowd screams in excitement as the players on the field begin to chant." "The squeals of boisterous cheerleaders slam into his eardrums, annoying the young gentleman in the front row." Would be fine, but you say his before establishing the MC. Looks weird. maybe "Ok, to start out I do like it. I have very little idea what it's about, but I get a good feeling from the style of writing. I have read books with seemingly similar characters that I really liked. Ignoring the errors (which I will go into great detail about below) I would most definitely turn the page, and probably download the pdf (I like ebooks. Am I such a monster?) B, or maybe B+ depending on the next page. Again, assuming the errors are fixed. On to the ripping apart of your beautiful 232 words! first some issues that were through the whole thing. The swear words. The way you have done it seems as if you haven't decided exactly how adult you want it, and so have placeholders in case someone else reads it. If that is the case, then fine, ignore this part. But if you don't want swear words and are instead using "clean" expletives, I would suggest you stick to established ones, such as darn, freak and frig, shoot. hell and crap too, depending on how clean you're going for. Not made up words. Those are fine to use even in a RL set story, and you can even skip explaining why your people use them for a ways into the book, but you shouldn't have one show up in the first sentence. it's just confusing, and can throw off a possible reader. if you really wanted to you could use all made up, but in that case change friggin. The tense. It works, but i find that past tense works better. it "flows" more easily, both with writing and reading. It is also much more common. Is there a particular reason you chose present? if not, i would change it to past.for the sake of the critique i will assume that you refuse to change that. "A crowd screams as the excited chants of the players on the field sound out." Yeah, you should be able to see why this is kinda odd. I would change to "The crowd screams in excitement as the players on the field begin to chant." "The boisterous squeals of cheerleaders slam into the eardrums of a young gentleman in the front row, annoying him immensely." You have to change it a lot just to fix that one word, but sort of worth it. "loud shriek meets him" to "loud shriek hits him". hits works better in this instance. "His aggravated look" this sentence has a few minor problems. the "mind you" is out of place and seems childish. You can write like that, but you haven't anywhere else. it should go. also, it would read better if you changed the first bit to "His face, plastered with the aggravated look that he has" and then the rest as it was. the "only" in the next sentence is unnecessary. also, dark splatters on a black coat is... not bad, or wrong, but i would use discolored instead of dark. in the next sentence, "his rough over coat" to "the rough coat". you already called it a trench coat, so that is what you should call it. I know they mean the same thing, but their connotations are too different for you to use them as synonyms without it seeming off. you need another quote before the alfred alfred alfred. and ivy green ones, not ivy greens. Sorry for the wall of text, I got carried away. Not a reflection on your work, it was really quite good. Now do you get why there are more posts?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TAMaxwell — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:15:41 -0600

Thanks candlelightwriter and leurz :) I didn't want to go into too much detail for the dream sequence because it is just a dream sequence, but you've given me some things to think about and I've got some ideas to add to it from your comments. I'll definitely fix up the multiple "began to"s, that's a problem I know I have, repetition of phrases, but I don't always catch them. Thanks, leurz. I'll make some edits and post again.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Erecura — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:25:55 -0600

Thanks for the critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

detailsofthewar — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:33:08 -0600

By November, the temperature had already dipped down into the teens. The night before last, I watched a family being pulled out of an apartment building next door. A mother, a father and a tiny baby boy and they were all stiff and blue. Last winter, it hadn’t been this cold. I couldn’t remember it ever being this cold. I shivered and pulled my sweater tighter around myself. I had layered on every piece of clothing I owned. The pair of thermal pants I had received in a ration package a year ago and three ugly, thick sweaters that I had pulled off of a clothesline on my first year alone. Stealing was punishable by death and I’d known that. But I’d been cold and tired and I hadn’t slept in a real bed for too long. I’d been past the point of caring. Long past the point of caring. It almost would have been welcome, an escape from the cold and from the fear and from the hunger. But at the same time, I’d wanted to live so desperately that I’d pulled the sweaters down from the thick cord stretched between two apartment buildings and I had run as fast as I could into the night.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

detailsofthewar — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:37:45 -0600

1. Critique? The wording is a little cumbersome in some places. "At the sound of tentative whining..." until we get to the part about the barking dogs I was really confused as to why the alarm clock sounded tentative. There are a few syntax/grammar issues but it's Nano, so... 2. Genre and age group?: Young Adult Fiction 3. Buy it or turn the page?: Neither. As a beginning, this doesn't really "hook" me. The writing could use some polishing and nothing drags me into the story at this point. Well, okay, I'd probably read another page or two. 4. Grade?: C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

detailsofthewar — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:41:48 -0600

1. Critique? Echoing the bouncing verb tenses. The writing is a little clunky at times and the punctuation is driving me crazy. also, echoing the "doesn't seem like a beginning to me" thing. 2. Genre and age group?: Action Adventure 3. Buy it or turn the page?: I'd probably give it one more page or two but nothing so far is making me want to buy it. 4. Grade?: C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

detailsofthewar — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:44:03 -0600

1. Critique? Nice! The writing is very cohesive and the scene is well set. The way you described everything was excellent and I'm super intrigued. 2. Genre and age group?: Fantasy -- Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page?: Yes, I would definitely keep reading. 4. Grade?: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:45:17 -0600

1. Critique? -I really like the first sentance. It's nicely informative and sets the scene incredibly well just in that small opening, while also making me wonder exactly who this 'Host' person is. But after that, I've got to agree with other critiquers, that the next two sentances are a bit 'WTF?'. You only need one or the other. The second sentance specifying "between the ages of 16 and 18" would work if you are trying to show the Host to be a little bizarre in his thinking. However, if this isn't the edge you want to go for, it would be best to just leave it at "twelve contestants, all of whom were seventeen" or something similar. -I also like the last part of that paragraph "...but we don't like those people." However, I think, in order for it to have the impact is deserves (because it's an exellent little piece of humorous childishness that really drills it in that the Host is twelve), I think you need to make that sentence a little shorter. I got distracted by the description and name of the show, and when that nice little line came along, it confused me. I had to go back and reread the beginning of that sentence to remind myself what was being talked about. 2. Genre and age group? -I've never been very good with these things. I did immediately think of 'The Hunger Games' and 'Artemis Fowl' as I was reading it, so I suppose it's for Teens/Young Adults? 3. Buy it or turn the page? -I'd probably turn the page, but I doubt I'd buy it. 4. Grade? 64/100

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

detailsofthewar — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:46:11 -0600

1. Critique? The writing is fabulous & I love the narrator's voice. It really hooks me & and pulls me in. While it doesn't seem like the genre I usually read, I would probably keep reading to find out what it was all about. 2. Genre and age group?: Lit Fic -- Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page?: Keep reading!! 4. Grade?: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:57:23 -0600

revision: I decided to go with a small prologue as my beginning since the first beginning took on a somewhat somber tone. “I just need some time.” Renée pleaded, understanding Vincent’s distress. She just knew that she needed to paint with this brush straightaway. Somehow, this little paintbrush would give her time. Having painted many times before, Renée took the brush and easily began painting a narrow yellow door on the largest wooden post of the bridge. As she began painting the outer edges of the door, the tiny paintbrush charm transformed into a very large paintbrush. Renée frowned at the weight in her hand, but continued nonetheless. Vincent watched in awe, as there seemed to be an endless supply of this yellow paint. But it was not ordinary yellow paint. It was such a pure yellow. Vincent had never seen such a yellow before. Renée had only envisioned such a yellow in her dreams.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:57:35 -0600

1. Critique? -Very nice opening, I liked it a lot. The opening of the second paragraph straight after such an apparently innocent question immediately makes the tension rise, and makes me already wanting to learn more. -At first, I found myself wondering if she was in an orphanage or a boarding school or some such, and the moment I learned it was a hospital, I felt the beginnings of nervous anticipation (though that may just be a personal reaction). If this is some sort of thriller, or of a slightly darker gerne, this definately works. -The description of the girl at the end, after all that's been said and done before, immediately brings in the wondering of whether this girl is as ominous as she seems, or just an unfortunate little girl with cancer or somesuch. If this is what you're going for, it definately works, but if you only want one or the other, then you might want to shuffle stuff about. 2. Genre and age group? -Definately looking to be an older age groupe, Older Teen/Young Adult, I'd guess. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definately turn the page, but I probably wouldn't buy it. (Just a personal preferance. Thrillers, particularly ones with any hospital/doctor/medical themes creep me the hell out, so I try to avoid them.) 4. Grade? 9/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:00:37 -0600

1. Critique? First of all, I really love some of the things you've done here. Some of the phrasing and allusions are quite lyrical and interesting, such as "his lithe body," and "the question that tied the rest of the villagers together in a Gordian knot." I also love the phrase "with the willpower of a very headstrong Italian woman," and second leurz's comment about the onomonopoetic quality of the word "tittle-tattle" and enjoyed the phrase "turned from suspicious whispers in the dark to full-blown accusations in the open." You can also definitely make something out of the phrase "only one thing was absolutely sure." At the same time, there are some fairly awkward wording problems here which would eliminate a large part of your audience. I would change "slowed his brisk steps the slightest" to "slowed his brisk steps slightly." "God knows" should be "god knew," and "the man would be wrathful, if he wasn't already" needs to be changed to something more compelling. The readers need to know what's at stake here. If Lui is only maybe threatening, there's no reason to turn the page. If Lui is just around the corner, right on your MC's tail, waiting with a knife, it'll be hard to put the book down. The awkward wording, however, is not your main problem, at least in my mind. The problem here is that your character is sleeping. The problems with this are a) This could make for a boring scene change, where the next thing Tomasso does is get out of bed and brush his teeth and check out his reflection in the mirror, or b) This could make for an awkward scene change, where time has jumped and the reader is suddenly somewhere completely different. Beginnings need to be intriguing and cohesive. Think about it: is the most exciting thing about your story really your character sleeping in bed? Does this advance the story at all? Also, I'm a little unconvinced by the complexity of your character's thought. The character is sleeping, and thus is unlikely to be making decisions based on complex morality. :) If you're going to start with a dream scene, which I don't recommend for the reasons listed above, it needs to be filled with the confusion that usually accompanies dreams. Have you ever had a dream where anything made as much sense as it does in your excerpt? I haven't. Some things I'd really like to see: first of all, and maybe it's just me, I have a really hard time being intimidated by a character named "Lui." I challenge you to either change the name, or prove me wrong by making Lui truly terrifying from the start. The same goes for the character Tomasso. Unless this is some sort of romantic comedy, which I *seriously* doubt it is, that name is going to jar me every time I read it. I realize that this character has stuck with you probably for 50,000 pages, and that you're probably really attached to the name, but it's just my personal opinion that I most likely won't be able to take the character seriously. Also, I have no idea what your book is about, but I think it would be interesting if Tomasso starts out the book as you say, with a lithe, strong body, and throughout the course of the novel, as his life degrades, his body looks worn down as well. Physical perfection is extremely interesting to read about, but so too is extreme physical degradation. Maybe it's just my masochistic streak, but I want to see this character go through some physically hard times, with no easy breaks. 2. Genre and age group? I hate the term YA, but I imagine that your group would be more older teenager/younger adult. I can't really imagine my dad or my grandma reading this. :) As for genre, I really have no idea. I hope science fiction, as that is what I write, but it's not very likely. Literary, maybe? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page. Then again, I'm a pretty patient reader. At this point in the book, I would probably close the book, look at the cover, and then turn it over and look at the synopsis. If there was an intriguing story premises on the back, I would keep reading. Still, unless the quality of the book gets better, or the story gets more intriguing, I'm not heartbroken if I walk out of Barnes and Noble without it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-. Interesting enough to get me to stop and critique it, not interesting enough for me to buy it yet. Haha sorry for the long review. Hope you find something useful in all this. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:10:24 -0600

1. Critique- I like it. It's very easy to read, your vocabulary is interesting, and the humor is enough to make me smile. (I haven't gone back to see what the pre-suggestion post looked like...) You give a decent feel for the character straight off the bat, and a grim warning of the future, which does make me want to find out what's going on. I only have a few minor qualms. -- The repetition with the alarm clock is a little... too 'scientific'. Procedure makes me think of technical things, I suppose. While I find the idea of snooze button completely charming, the language seems a bit too much. At first, I thought that Elizabeth was an adult dreading the need to get up out of bed and go to work. I was a little suprised when school was mentioned, and the procedure played a bit into that thought. -- The happy dance of joy :) I loved the idea of it, but a happy dance or dance of joy would probably work just as well. -- It might help to break the paragraph into two or three parts. Your flow is really good, but smaller paragraphs will help call attention to certain grim forecasts :) -- The dialogue at the bottom. I can't place Elizabeth's age. 'School' makes me think high school or junior high. (If she's college aged, then classes would be more appropriate, maybe? At least, it wouldn't make me think of her as a kid.) Yet, the dialogue sounds very, very adult - something my mother would have said to me when I was younger. While the routine is nice, and it provides a sense of ordinary-ness to the morning (and, therefore, greater suspense over the sentence above it), give a touch more attention to how her age is approached through her speech. 2. Genre and age group? Perhaps YA, 12-16? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would keep reading. It's interesting enough, and I think you have a congenial style that's easy to slip into. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-, but only because of the age issue.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:10:34 -0600

1. Critique? -The first paragraph is an excellent hook. I really like the way you've brought in the Catchers, and made them feel so ominous by comparing them to other mythical beings. I also rather like the sentence structure. It's a personal opinion, and I know some people wouldn't, but I find the slightly informal style makes it feel easy to read, and almost like reading a diary. -After that, though, I've got to say, things go downhill for me. "I never thought I had to worry about it" and "Then there was the day I wished I had." and also "I remember the day as well as if it had happened yesterday" all feel horribly cliched. Usually, I like a bit of cliche in stories (it is cliche for a reason, after all) but this seems TOO cliche. A very stereotypical opening. 2. Genre and age group? -That's difficult to say. I guess Teen/Young Adult? Probably Adventure. 3. Buy it or turn the page? -I might turn the page, just to see if it got less cliched... 4. Grade? 5/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:13:25 -0600

1. Critique? I like the premise, but some of the tense is distracting for me in the latter two paragraphs. Partly because you start off with a present-past tense but then move into way-past tense by the end. It's almost as if you're telling a story to someone in past tense, but also taking the scene of telling the story to someone in past tense as well. Example edit of what reads faster/easier for me: "Stealing was punishable by death and I knew that. But I was cold, tired and I hadn’t slept in a real bed for so long. I was past the point of caring. Long past the point of caring. It almost would have been welcome, an escape from the cold and from the fear and from the hunger." I really liked the first two paragraphs though. Minus this sentence - "A mother, a father and a tiny baby boy and they were all stiff and blue." I would separate those into two sentences. Perhaps expand more on imagery of how 'blue'. Was the little baby boy not even bundled so you could see icicles on his tiny eyelashes? Something that really makes me think, damn, that's cold. Other than just the narrator saying it was cold. 2. Genre and age group?: Not entirely sure...young adult fiction? 3. Buy it or turn the page?: I'd turn the page to see what happened. 4. Grade?: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:14:02 -0600

Thank-you for your critique--I appreciate the feedback. I'm quite the beginner, and I want to improve. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:20:21 -0600

Thank-you for your candor and for taking time to critique my work. I appreciate your honest and helpful comments. It's definitely good to see how my writing is perceived by someone outside of my own head. Thanks!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ashrazan — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:25:47 -0600

1. Critique: Well written, I breathed a sigh of relief the moment I read the first sentence. It's my kind of writing and in a style I find pleasant to read. I'm afraid don't have any wonderfully deep insights or advice at the moment. I like your point of view and you give a place so I can fix visuals to it. 2. Genre and age group: At this point, it could easily be all ages depending on where the story goes. 3. Buy it or turn the page: I don't buy until I've read the whole story, but it's the kind of writing I like to read so I'd turn the page. 4. Grade: This is hard to give without knowing what kind of comparison I'm supposed to be making but I'd say A- it does need a little something.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:25:49 -0600

The present-past switching to past-past is actually very common. And I mean very. As in I have seen almost no past tense books that don't switch to past-past for a scene or twenty.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:36:06 -0600

1. Critique? -First of all, I wanna say that I really like this. I was immediately caught but the very first sentance, and of course, the mention of premonitions and 'changers' in the very first paragraph immediately clued me into the fact that it's a fantasy story. (Which is a big plus in my books, as I've always favoured fantasy stories.) The addition of the premonition of a city (I assume it's a city, but if it isn't, you want to specify that) in flames already sets the tension much higher, and I'd definately be looking forward to finding out the significance of that premonition, if it's come to pass yet, and exactly what part of it caused Jaevan to stop speaking. (Also, another note: Personally, I adore your style of names.) -The second paragraph brings us into the present with a bit of a bump, which actually works, if it's your intention. The description and insight we get of Jaevan in this paragraph works very well, andI immediately felt a good bond with this character. And the next paragraph, bringing in Sylas works exceedingly well, right away telling us that he's a close friend at the very least. -One thing I do have to note is this bit: "...and tears started to his eyes." and tears started to... what? You need something in there like "and tears started to form in his eyes" or "started to well up in his eyes" or variations there of. -Also, I think, but this is just my opinion, that the last sentence would work better if you shifted that clause. Perhaps making the sentance like this: "Then he stared into Sylas's face and, in a voice hoarse with disuse, whispered..." 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, or supernatural. I'm leaning towards fantasy though. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definately turn the page. Definately. And I'd almost certainly buy it if it kept up the same tone and feel to it. 4. Grade? 9.5/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:36:59 -0600

1. Critique? Well, first of all, if I'm running away from a terrifying monster, I'm not thinking about the fact that I can't breathe and that the monster sounds like it's rustling through a tree. I'm also not thinking about how the monster is eating other things besides me. At this point, I'm just fighting for survival. My thoughts are much more urgent than what Also, if your character is moving slowly, why is that? Is it because he knows someone he cares about has died? Is it because the monster attacked when no one was expecting it? Is it because your character is out of shape? Or is it because your character has been running for days? Also, if your character has any sort of intellect, I would show it here. Does he have some sort of plan, or is he/she just going to keep running forever? Adding something that the character has to get to, like a car, would add urgency, and more importantly, a chance for success. And your readers want your character to succeed. But the thing about creating a gripping novel is that you can't give your readers that gratification. Once your character gets to the metaphorical car, create some other disaster. He's locked himself out or he's run out of gas. And then some other disaster happens. The monster tries to get the character out of the car, but he can't, so he resorts to trying to break the car open instead. Your character is flung around like a yo-yo, and when the monster finally gives up on trying to get any sort of nutritional value out of the mangled mess that has now become your car, he stalks away. But the problem is that now your character and his car are so badly beaten up that there's no hope of getting to a hospital in it. But he can't get out of the car because the monster's still out there... and on and on. I'm not saying put all this in your novel. I'm saying put your character through total chaos, and don't let him escape until the end. Because if he escapes, and he's safe, there's no reason for the reader to keep on reading your book. They can safely put it down and go to bed. No! Make your reader stay up until two a.m. because he can't put your story down, because your MC is trying to save another character from a burning building or trying to get out of his car before it explodes. And if you have to let your character breathe, make it temporary. Make it a moment where everything seems like it's going fine, and then it all goes horribly wrong. And at this point, horribly wrong is even worse than it would have been otherwise, because the person in the burning building is no longer a stranger. See what I mean? This is how you create a compelling story. 2. Genre and age group? I'm assuming YA at this point, and maybe scifi with a little horror like Super 8? Or suspense, or action. I'm not a genre expert, so I'd have to read more. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Worse. Flip the book to a random page in the middle to see if it gets more interesting. :D I'm just evil like that. :) 4. Grade? (Letter System) C+. It has some good points in it, but it needs to compel the reader. :( Sorry for the long rant. Hope this helps in some way. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:37:35 -0600

Thank you so much for the detailed critique =) I think you missed that he wasn't in fact sleeping... That was sort of the whole point of him being in bed.. "but it was the tornado of thoughts that kept him from sleeping." And yes, he gets up from bed but he's definately not brushing his teeth. I will absolutely look into akward wording.. English is my second language so sometimes I make funny things like that. One again. Thank you for really taking your time!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:47:21 -0600

1. Critique? -The first sentence seems a little long, which makes it a little hard to keep up with. Other than that, its definately a good opener, and very emotive. -One of the critiques above drew my attention to the description, and I have to agree that it would flow better with a few less adjectives. (I feel a little unqualified to comment, though, as I'm just as guilty of over-using adjectives...) And also, with "..a menacing step towards the sickly thin man" I think you need either a comma between sickly and thin, or a hyphen. If he looks sickly AND thin, then a comma would be apropriate, but the way it's written now, makes it feel like he may just be thin, but that being as thin as he is makes him look sickly, in which case, a hyphen would clarify this. -A little typo (or misuse of a word?)... I think you want "malevolent aura" not "aurora" as aurora means 'dawn' or also the Aurora Borealis (northern lights). -Do you mean "scientific interest?" I don't really know what else you could use, but it seems a little jarring, particularly with the veiw we've been given of his character. Maybe 'progress' or 'research' or possibly 'investigation'. Perhaps it's just me, but 'interest' seems a little childish. 2. Genre and age group? Modern thriller is what it feels like, perhaps slightly futuristic? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Would probably turn the page, but I doubt I'd buy it simply because I'm not so interested in this genre... 4. Grade? 7.5/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarlequinDream — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:50:17 -0600

Thank you so much! "Truly" is definitely one of those words that got shoved in there because... YAY ONE MORE WORD. And draft two, I will be sure to engage even more sensory info and be more specific about how many men are on the gun crew.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:55:08 -0600

1. Critique? -I immediately have to point out that when you first made referance to 'her', I thought you were referring to the ship. When you mentioned 'hiding spot' I was immediately jarred and had to go back and reread it, trying to work out what was going on. -I like the lest paragraph, it works well, even if it does make me a little wary. Stories starting with a dream or nightmare usually make me a little dubious, but never enough to not read on. 2. Genre and age group? That's difficult. I would have said a Fantasy, or Historic Fiction, until the first part turned out to be a dream. Though, the use of a specific name for the ship implies that it wasn't just a random dream, so that's still a good possibility... 3. Buy it or turn the page Might turn the page, probably wouldn't buy unless the next page or so really caught my interest again. 4. Grade? 7/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:02:07 -0600

1. Critique? -It's a little slow to start, but the moment you made it clear that the flame wasn't natural, I immediately got much more interested. -The description of Coran was nice, a little eyebrow-raising, perhaps, but good nonetheless. The last sentance of that paragraph is an excellent little bit of characterisation. It gives a good feel to how famous (or infamous?) this Coran person is. -The referance to the 'the thing that was following him' adds a nice sense of urgency to the whole thing, especially the 'much worse than dead.' at the end. Definately makes me curious, and the wound does a good job of eliciting sympathy for Coran. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definately turn the page! Probably buy if the rest of the first chapter holds up! 4. Grade? 8/10

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:08:38 -0600

1. Critique? Well, if this is a zombie story, and I were the main character, the *last* thing I would do would be to massage my leg. And this may just be me personally, but if I saw a zombie chasing after a woman, I would be trying as hard as I could not to think. I am also somewhat of a wimp, so I would probably be shutting my eyes. Also, I would be extremely paranoid about the sound of me hitting my head. Why is it that the zombie hears the woman screaming, but not me bumping my head? Seems a little convenient. :) Also, there are some odd word choices and some incongruities here. I finally understood, after about five times reading through, that the character's leg was numb and that was why she was massaging it in the end. Which makes perfect sense now, but I shouldn't have to re-read that five times to understand that. ;) There are also two "she's" in this passage, which makes it ambiguous. I think I understand now that the zombie is shuffling into another room, beyond where the MC is, following the cries of the woman, but I still don't understand "The patient stopped." I also don't understand what the linoleum is referring to, the door or the cabinet. To avoid confusion, I would re-order this. Unless your character is incredibly clumsy and not used to waking up with zombies around, I see no reason for her to bang her head and knock her leg on the side of the cabinet. I would re-order the story somehow if you can, but I don't really see an easy way of doing this. The way you have it set up makes for great tension (and horror stories often depend on people doing really stupid things). But I would say to try to make your character as non-stupid as you can possibly make her. She needs to learn from this experience and sleep with a blanket above her head or something so that the next time she wakes up and bumps her head, it won't be very loud. Anyway, aside from the ambiguity, this is mostly nitpicking. It's a fairly solid passage. 2. Genre and age group? Horror, and I agree with TAMaxwell, 17 and up. (Or maybe 16 or even 15, teenagers are getting edgier these days). 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page, and maybe a couple pages more, but if the ambiguity continued, it would probably start to annoy me to the point where I would go read something else. 4. Grade? (Letter System). B+. I would rate it higher, as this is really a brilliant passage once you understand it, but when I read it all the way through the first time, I was confused and not all that impressed. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:16:52 -0600

Prologue: Twelve Years Ago Small feet pattered swiftly across the marble floor. With a painful squeaking sound, the young girl skidded to a halt at the top of the stairs and proceeded to practically fly down them, the hem of her dress fluttering behind her. Her shoulder length black hair was dragged out of her face by the force of her momentum, chocolate brown eyes sparkling with excitement in a honey-hued face. Leaping the last three steps, she stumbled a little on the smooth marble floor of the large entrance hall, but regained her balance with relative ease. Then she was off again, sprinting across the wide foyer and out through the huge front doors. They were easily as tall as three of the tallest men, and wide enough for an elephant to pass through with ease. Thankfully, today they were standing open, so the little girl wasn’t hampered in her attempt to reach the palace gates. The fine-grained gravel of the sweeping pathway that lead to the gates hurt her small, sensitive feet, but not enough to deter her from sprinting down towards the gates, where she could see the figure she was dying to see.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:23:26 -0600

1. Critique? Even though this is a dream, the thought processes are inconsistent. If my dad is on fire, the last thing I'm thinking about is his hat, especially about how blue it is. I know that this is your technique for identifying the burning man as her father, but I think having him screaming her name is enough. She recognizes her dad's voice, right? Also, I'm going to warn you that while this is a perfectly good passage in many respects, a potential publisher reading this is probably going to groan and bang his head on the desk. There's nothing worse than the anticipation of "Oh, wow, this is exciting!" followed by the annoying, "Oh, it was all a dream." Also, you've got another problem coming here- the waking up syndrome. Your character has just woken up, meaning that there's either going to be an irritating time jump or she's going to have to brush her teeth and get dressed, something which will undoubtedly be boring no matter how many scars your character has on her face. Unless, of course, your character is a rebel and just goes about her daily ship sailing activities with bad breath, in her pajamas. If this is the case, I give you kudos for having an *awesome* character. :D The other problem with opening with a dream is that we now do not know who this character is. After perhaps as far down as the first page, all we know about her is that her dad has sandy hair and that she has bad dreams. Is this something that really happens? If so, make this passage a prologue, add more detail, and jump to the present day in the first chapter. Is this something that doesn't happen? Then why include it at all? Does it move your story forward? Does it make us understand something about your character? If not, then you're going to have to find a way to make it fit or cut it. Personally, I opt for the "this really happened" route, because burning ships look awesome. And you can keep it as a dream scene if you want, just consider yourself warned. :) 2. Genre and age group? YA, I'm assuming? And as for genre, well... it could be anything. Just because I have a dream about a burning ship, it doesn't mean that I own a ship. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, preferably to the part where this is actually happening. :D 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+. It has some good points, but having it as a dream scene just seems like a bad move to me. This is a really compelling scene. If you can, flesh out the good parts, and leave out the boring ones. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:27:07 -0600

Definitely arouses my interest, and I agree with everything CaptainSpuds has said. :) Also, I would add that you should vary your sentence structure a bit. Try reading it aloud to find anything that's awkward. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:40:04 -0600

1. Critique? I like your depiction of Tim as a calm, collected character. Usually I would say that people don't think about specific numbers while they're falling to their deaths, but here I think it works. :) There are a few sentences that I think could be made better. I would change "but all it was to him was a minor annoyance" to "but to him, it was all a minor annoyance." That's just personal preference though. Also, I think your timeline of thirty seconds is going to cause you some problems. It seems like the time it takes for Tim to realize that he has about thirty seconds left to live is about 5-10 seconds, leaving him now with 20-25 seconds for him to live. Not a huge amount of time for him to come up with a plan. :) I am also afraid that you may have dug yourself into a hole here, because I (with my unimaginative mind) can think of only a few possibilities, all of which seem either cop-outs (and the plane magically righted itself! or "Whew," Tim said, "I'm glad that was just a dream") or extremely unlikely to work in the time he has left. In the fair world that I can see, I am afraid that Tim is destined for pancakehood. :) (ADD moment: it's like knighthood, only flatter! :D) Which leads us to our next question. 2. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page with high expectations. I am waiting for you to prove me wrong that your method of saving Tim is going to be some sort of cop-out. Which means, of course, that if you disappoint me, it's going to be bad. Basically, I'm going to roll my eyes, shove the book in some corner where no one can find it, and look for something else to read. So don't disappoint me! :) 3. Genre and age group? Um... I dunno. I'm no expert on this, and there's really not enough words here for me to tell. 4. Grade? (Letter System) Uh, somewhere between a B+/A-/barely scraping A. I know that's a big range, but what I think of this passage will really depend on what you do next. It will either make me think you're brilliant, pretty darn good, or really aggravating. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:51:33 -0600

My pleasure! Your passage is very well written and I enjoyed writing the critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:54:00 -0600

1. Critique? Hmm, okay. I'm interested, but there are some really odd things going on here. Let's say I'm Coran. If something scary is following me, I'm going to be investing my energy in something like making a plan or something instead of thinking about how people will recognize me. First, I've got to make sure that I'm alive, *then* I'll care whether or not people know my name. Also, the sentence "Coran was tired, nearly too tired to sustain the fire" confused me at first. I would change it to something like "Coran was tired, barely able to sustain the fire floating above his hand." Unless you've established that Coran is a wonderful magical being beforehand, people are going to be confused by this. Also, he has a giant cut from his chest to his hip that's washing out blood but at the same time is basically superficial. Either it's bleeding or it's not really bleeding. You really have to decide. If you want to emphasize the pain that your character is feeling, say that the cut stings every time he takes a step. At the very least, choose another verb besides "wash." It's odd, and IMHO, it doesn't belong here. Finally, putting off the fact that something is chasing him is really strange, particularly after Coran has just spent so much time thinking about the forest leaning inward and the many facets of his name. I can understand the forest bit; everything seems ominous when you're being chased, but he needs to actually be scared if he's going to look around him. Also, you need to establish why he isn't running, and why he has to travel so many miles. (Surely he could find a cave, or some sort of house, at least if this is the modern world?) Also, if the guy has fire coming out of his hands, why exactly does he need to run away anyway? Can't he just shoot fire at the monster? That seems fairly straightforward to me, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that there is a good reason for this. 2. Genre and age group? I agree that it's fantasy (seems fairly obvious), and probably YA, though I'm not really sure. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Hmm. Read the back cover copy, and if there's a good premise, read a bit further. But if I'm forced to leave the bookstore without buying the book at this point, I'm not heartbroken. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B. It's got some good points, but it's not really compelling, though it definitely has the potential to be.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

theredherring — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:54:41 -0600

"Awakened" would also work, "woken" is the word that I would use while speaking, and i tend to write as I speak. I'll think about it though. As for the repetition, I use it intentionally, but it's something else to consider, as I use it again later in the opening chapter, and I don't want to insult readers by hitting any point unnecessarily strongly. Thanks so much for the return critique, I really appreciate it!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:02:21 -0600

1. Critique? Huh. Okay. I'm a little confused. Maybe I'm supposed to be confused. The second paragraph seems funny somehow, awkwardly (and I suspect unintentionally) humorous. I can't decide what this story is, either. Why is the MC used to being on the roof? Are he and Gideon superheroes with wings who plan to fly off? What kind of senators have meetings on rooftops? Who are these people? Naturally, I suspect that you want me to be asking questions, you cad, so congratulations, I'm hooked- at least for now. I'm usually not a big fan of present tense, either, but you seem to have the grammatical skills to make it work. 2. Genre and age group? Like I said, I'm confused. I have no freaking clue. :) 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. I'll be entranced by the narrative style for at least a couple of pages. If something interesting happens in that amount of time, you might have a devoted reader. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-. I'm confused, and I don't tend to like that, but I suspect that that's kind of what you were going for. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:16:34 -0600

Thank you. This is what I actually need, specific problems with my writing. I'm not sure I understand about the cut though. It is perfectly possible to have a long but shallow cut that is bleeding profusely but not damaging. Maybe I need to tweak the description a bit to make it clearer. I'll fix the fire sentence too, you're right on that. Also, the first 100 words or so was the "zoom in". give a setting, and a character in third person non-omniscient, then slide into the character's mind with something about them. It's either thoughts or background info. I have seen this used many times, and I don't like the "MC woke up" thing, so I thought it would work. Note that I am not trying to break the rules on explaining the excerpt. I think I wrote this in a way to only question wether the problems you mentioned are actually problems. And I'm not saying "No, no, none of those are relevant, my writing is perfect." I'm just making sure of some things before I change the book. Could you please reply to refute or confirm?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:16:39 -0600

This passage feels extremely boring to me. It has the added suspense of being set during WWII in what seems to be Europe, but that's all. I don't know very much about this and while I'm a fan of stories that start slow (I don't like too much pizzazz and glitz/sparkle at the start of a novel) and paint a picture, this does neither for me. It's very fast paced, as dugfalk said, and I'm feeling thrown into this world, and I'm lost. With that said, I do like your prose style - it's unpretentious and to the point, and while I like description, I'm a fan of people who don't go too far. (Which is why I'm not fond of fantasy as a genre) GRADE: C (75/100) PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: I would skim the following page to see if anything sticks out at me, or check through the book for information about the plot, but if nothing jumps out at me, I would set this back on the shelf. GENRE: Historical fiction.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:19:14 -0600

Haha. Well, duh. :P Not sure why I didn't see *that* before. I guess I'm just so used to tossing and turning while I'm sleeping that my brain just glossed over that fact. And seeing as how English is my first language, I really have no excuse. ;) And in response to your comeback... [quote=fni] And yes, he gets up from bed but he's definitely not brushing his teeth.[/quote] Hahaha! This is so going into my list of most awesome quotes of the year. :D I'm assuming that this is because of circumstances and not personal preference, right? Because it is just really not noble for your character to go around town with stinky breath if he can possibly help it. :) And you are so very very welcome, partially due to the fact that you just made my day. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:21:29 -0600

This is nice, but I'm in awe about how you just took all these words to describe your character not doing very much. Don't get me wrong, I love how you are illustrating this world, it's very magical and like something I would see in a dream, but with that said, it feels a mite overdone. My only suggestion is to pace yourself. While this works well with what seems to be your genre, I'm wondering how you would treat quicker paced scenes rather than this one. This actually puts me in the mindframe of Paolini. GRADE: B (85/100) BUY IT OR TURN THE PAGE: I would turn the page to see if this kept pace, but I generally am not a fan of the fantasy genre at all. GENRE: Fantasy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:28:53 -0600

He was running- running away from the events he had seen, running from what might as well have been visions of corpses rising from the dead. Indeed, in the quiet, judgmental solitude of the lab, he imagined a score of innocents crowding around him, mangled and broken and bruised, coming to haunt him, asking him why he had not stopped the massacre he had witnessed. He remembered standing, frozen, unwilling to believe his eyes, and with hardly a moment's hesitation they had let the prisoners go free. He saw thieves, murderers, even serial killers go scattering up the hill like spiders dashing away from the hand of a pursuer. How could they have acted so naively? He had unquestionable blood on his hands now. Before the morning broke there would be an upsurge of crime. Should he grab a gun, run back, and start shooting as many as he could? Should he alert the authorities and risk arrest? Or- and this was what his irrational, bleeding heart asked of him- should he pursue her, arrest her in his arms, and forget the world? And despite what he had told himself all these years- that the mind controlled the heart, that he had given up emotion for a life of learning and solitude, that people did stupid things for the ones they loved- he found himself very willing to ignore all those advices and act as stupidly as possible. He looked at his watch. Five hours. Could he track them? Not without getting caught. His mind warred viciously with his heart. He finally settled on a compromise. He grabbed his gun, fully loaded, prepared to shoot as many of them as possible, and grabbed the needle filled with dark blue liquid. An hour later, he had shot ten of them- three serial killers, four run-of-the-mill murderers, three rapists- and stood in the wilderness, holding his fate in his hands. Without hesitation, he drove the needle home.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:28:57 -0600

Oh God, there they are again, complained Leanne. She hates seeing the dirty old woman and her son begging for money every day at the Gas station. Every time she saw the two, it got right under her skin. She would tell her daughter, Angelique, to watch them. “Do you see how dirty they are, Angelique? See how bad they smell? That’s what happens when you don’t listen to your mother.” Her daughter was only six years old, but she didn’t feel the way her mom did. Yes, she did smell them a mile away, but when she looked into the little boy’s eyes, she felt comforted. They were so beautiful to her. But her mother would yell at her and say, “What in tarnation do you think you’re doing!” “Haven’t I told you that it’s impolite to stare at people!” Then she would drag Angelique into the store. But once they got back into the car, she’d say, “Look at them...God, they are so pathetic. Angel would turn and look at the boy and her mother’s words would go in one ear and out the other. Those eyes, how could a dirty, smelly, homeless boy have such powerful eyes?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MatthewH — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:29:10 -0600

1. The writing doesn't really flow well, you know how when you see a word enough times close together that it just starts looking wrong? You're getting a bit too close to that with paint/paintbrush in the first paragraph. There's a few points where you could probably take it out easily, like maybe saying that the tiny paintbrush grew instead of turning into a very large paintbrush. The second paragraph just doesn't look like it's hitting the tone you're trying for, either. It's just coming across a bit dull, not the sort of magical and mysterious feel that I think it's meant to have. That's something I can never get right either though, so I can't really give you any tips on where exactly it's going wrong or how to improve it. 2. Some sort of fantasy. Don't know beyond that. 3. I might turn the page once, but unless the next one catches me in a way that that didn't I'd probably put it down afterwards. 4. C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:31:47 -0600

Once upon a time, in a city cloaked by mist, where knights wielded no swords, princes fought flash photography, and glass coffins lead to nowhere but dead bodies, there was a man named Merlin Emrys. This man did not believe himself to be called Merlin Emrys, by birth he was cursed to be Remy Limners, but in truth he was Merlin Emrys. Merlin Emrys began each morning with a mug of piping hot black tea filled to the brim with milk and two scoops of brown sugar. He swallowed the tea down hastily, the bob of his throat scrapping past the tight pinch of his narrow work tie. Merlin by day was a mail carrier, careening on his bicycle through alleyways and street corners with a bundle of letters and packages stowed inside the black plastic basket bungeed to the back of the bicycle. Escaping the jaws of rambunctious terriers and flirtatious guiles of lonely housewives became second nature to Merlin, as did surviving the occasions when he stood outside front doors with gigantic passages and rang doorbells only to get no answer. After the last letter settled in the cold metal of cylindrical mailboxes, Merlin rode on his bicycle home to prepare for evening classes that furthered his hopeless yet fulfilling philosophy degree. He would ingest quickly a cheese sandwich on dark brown rye bread and swallow down another scalding mug of black tea before venturing on a quiet train ride journey to his university.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

thedragongod — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:34:52 -0600

The last hope for the dragon race to continue was for the new Vessel to awaken. All this time he wanted for the young male’s death. He saw him as a threat to the Draconizica Empire, but now he sees his son can fill Draconizica with new blood. He continued, though it ached his head to the brink of wanting to die, “These humans have entered our Sanctum and are trying to destroy what we hold dear. Right now as I say this, I am dying in my own blood. I want you, my children, to feel the new Vessel that will save you. Protect him and give him all you hold inside. Allow him to enter your minds. He is of adolescence, but I know he will do right. Protect him with your lives and take him to Lementia. She will protect him with her light. Heed these commands, my sweet children, and may the Gods be with you. Farewell.” Like that, the dragons’ bodies were emptied of his essence. They felt hollow but they complied with his final wish and filled their thoughts with the new Vessel’s essence. The old king is dead. The Gods saved the Prince.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:36:16 -0600

Awesome synopsis and excerpts! I would definitely read your book. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:41:01 -0600

Several things. 1. You have a lot of grammatical errors. When demarcating dialogue, you use quotations. This was not done in your first sentence. 2. You do a PoV shift in your lines. You have to decide whether it's going to be first or third person. 3. When doing dialogue, you should also start a new line for each person talking. 4. This is a wall of text. I'd like to see paragraphs. 5. I enjoy how a kid is reacting to his mother's prejudicial attitudes and how he's questioning that. Unless this can be reworked (which it can, because your biggest problem are more grammatical errors), this should be scrapped and rewritten. GRADE: D (65/100) GENRE: Indeterminable. Possibly Fantasy. PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: Neither.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:41:40 -0600

I apologize for the above format. Here's my correction: “Oh God, there they are again,” complained Leanne. She hates seeing the dirty old woman and her son begging for money every day at the Gas station. Every time she saw the two, it got right under her skin. She would tell her daughter, Angelique, to watch them. “Do you see how dirty they are, Angelique? See how bad they smell? That’s what happens when you don’t listen to your mother.” Her daughter was only six years old, but she didn’t feel the way her mom did. Yes, she did smell them a mile away, but when she looked into the little boy’s eyes, she felt comforted. They were so beautiful to her. But her mother would yell at her and say, “What in tarnation do you think you’re doing! Haven’t I told you that it’s impolite to stare at people!” Then she would drag Angelique into the store. But once they got back into the car, she’d say, “Look at them...God, they are so pathetic.” Angel would turn and look at the boy and her mother’s words would go in one ear and out the other. Those eyes, how could a dirty, smelly, homeless boy have such powerful eyes?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:44:07 -0600

if I leave you without a word please know i didn't want to - by Samuel, aged ten A few days after Samuel shows them "People, Poppies and Poetry", he disappears. Remembering the nurses’ promise, Mark and Jimmy and Nick-O go to visit Samuel so they can take him outside for the first time in three-and-a-half years, but this is what they learn: Samuel's gone, and he's not coming back. Nick-O is angry. He runs around inside the hospital, going nowhere, until the nurses have to come and restrain him. They take him away 'just for now'; to yet another white room where Mark and Jimmy can neither see nor hear nor feel their friend anymore. Jimmy begins to yell. 'Where's Samuel? Where did he go?!' Mark stares at the endless white of the hospital until his eyes begin to sting. He blinks to get rid of the pain, but his eyes still ache and when he brings his hand up to wipe at them, it comes away with wet streaks. He feels like he is choking, and he cannot speak.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:44:09 -0600

I believe you're only supposed to post 200 words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:44:18 -0600

1. You repeat "paint" and "brush" so many times that it began to lose it's meaning for me. In the second paragraph, "yellow" is also repeated a lot. It'd be nice to see some variety, especially since I can't really get a nice image of what's happening because the repetitions don't add up to be very descriptive, since the words have lost meaning to me. Also, the passage began with some tension ("I just need some time," Renee pleaded), but the tension isn't carried on through, so I forgot there was even tension at all until I went back to reread. I think instead of just describing the act of painting, it would work out better if you included more of the emotions Renee was feeling as she painted. To be honest, I also don't have idea of what kinds of person she is, in a personality sense. The same goes for Vincent. 2. Genre and age group? Romance. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Not particularly. :/ 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:44:38 -0600

This is already a drastic improvement. REVISED SCORE Grade: C (75/100) Genre: Possibly fantasy Purchase or turn the page: Turn the page to see if the writing improves.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:52:10 -0600

1. Critique? In the second paragraph, it starts with the girl as the main focus, but switches to the door. I think you should separate it into two paragraphs after "through the huge front doors," or possibly rewrite the paragraph so there's more of a focus. Also, "chocolate brown eyes sparkling with excitement in a honey-hued face" has a lot of cliched phrases in it, so it'd be better to describe that more creatively, which you can totally do because you're really nice at descriptions. 2. Genre and age group? Young adult fantasy. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Yes, I might turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:57:14 -0600

Thank you for the feedback. Just to bring to your attention, a minute before you responded, I corrected everything you commented on. BEFORE you responded. But, thanks anyway! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:57:54 -0600

LOL, You see? Thanks!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:59:07 -0600

You can check out more of my writing under the three paragraph forum. I would really like your critique on that one. If you get a chance.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:01:05 -0600

1. I like the detail you go into when talking about how the girl rushes through things :) However, the detail sometimes gets a little too much and gets in the way of the story; if we're reading about a girl who's obviously in a hurry, we don't want to have the pace of the story slowed down by adjectives if it doesn't contribute to the narrative. For instance, you mention the 'marble floor' twice, and the second time, I think it's fine if you just say the floor was smooth. Also, when you talk about the doors, it might be better to say something about how she approached the doors rather than tell the reader she went through them - it detracts from the suspense caused by the next sentence. Of course, you could just cut the next two lines. Also, the adjective 'fine-grained' seems to conflict a little with how it hurts her feet - you're specifying that her feet were sensitive. Since I don't know yet whether that's absolutely crucial to the plot yet, you might want to add a quantifier, eg. 'even the fine-grained gravel'. Or, just talk about how the gravel felt against her feet - rough? burning? It's the old adage - 'show, don't tell', but it's still something to pay attention to :) Also, it's just a typo: 'led' not 'lead' :) Sorry for being picky... Finally, just be careful about some of the words you use. Yes, the girl is young, but your writing style is generally more formal, so 'practically' and 'dying to see' read a little bit strangely. On the whole, though, it's interesting, conveys the setting of the piece well, and you can feel the anticipation in the story, though it's hindered by too many adjectives etc. :) 2. Genre and age group? YA? Possibly fantasy or adventure (with a dash of romance?), though palaces don't necessarily equate to dragons and adventure, true. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, I'm a 'try-before-you-buy' reader :P 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:01:49 -0600

1. Critique? To be quite honest, it reads more like a detailed outline than a story. It just speeds through from one action to another without but elaboration, so as soon as I've finished one paragraph, I've forgotten most of what it said because there was nothing remarkable about it. Slow down next time and imagine all the emotions or details that are going on around, and add those in. There needs to be some cushion to make the passage more fleshed out. 2. Genre and age group? Mystery 3. Buy it or turn the page? Nope. :C 4. Grade? (Letter System) D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:08:04 -0600

1. Sometimes the grammar is a bit incorrect: 'he wanted for the young man's death' and 'I know he will do right' for example. You should also pick a tense and stick with it: either write in past tense the whole way through or write in present tense. It's also cliched - 'Draconiza'? (though if it's aimed at children, fair enough) That said, I liked the way you ended it. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy? :P Aimed at young adults, I'm guessing? :) 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, but only because I have a fondness for cliches, and only if the writing becomes for consistent. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:11:54 -0600

Um, soooo, when's your book coming out? Can I reserve a copy...LOL

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:16:40 -0600

Okay, for real this time... I think from what I read, it is definitely something that interests me. I do agree that you need some cushion, but we are talking 200 words, people, so lets be real. I also think you should put more feeling into it. Jimmy begins to yell. Mark and Jimmy can't see or hear or feel their friend anymore. They are devastated. They feel an emptiness in their heart, soul, pancreas...something! More feeling. And put yourself in the shoes of a child. How would that make them feel. Confused? Sad? Lonely? Scared? Definitely would turn the page, and purchase. I grade a B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:17:26 -0600

1. I love the first sentence - it gives a sense of the atmosphere and the time the novel is set in ("cloaked by mist...princes fought flash photography, and glass coffins lead to nowhere but dead bodies"). You give create a sense of realism through defining what the city is not (also the allusion to post and university gives reference points that most readers can relate to). The second paragraph does not give away too much detail - the reader doesn't yet know what the character looks like, or even where the city is, and that draws them in. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, adults? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definitely turn the page, possibly buy it, depends on how the rest of that page and the next reads. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+/A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:21:18 -0600

1. The introduction is cute. It really places the story and I love the contrast between folklore and modernity. However, the second line killed it a little. You've already said his name; if you're going to give him a different name, then you have to refer back to the first name you gave. 'Actually, he was christened Remy Limners at birth, but...etc.' The whole sentence is fairly clunky and sounds like you've just shoved it in to clarify the modern setting. You don't need to. PS 'led', not 'lead' ;) PPS it's personal opinion, but I just can't see Merlin as a 'Remy Limners', even if it is an anagram of his name...it's fine to have a name that sounds similar, and even the same name, if you can have a good explanation for it; everyone can spot an anagram nowadays, and it looks a bit silly. It's nice to see Merlin's habits because it fleshes out his character, but don't become too descriptive. Sometimes simple words are best: 'ingest' as a form of consumption just reads badly. 'Eat', thank you, or something less clinical, if you must. PS 'scraping', not 'scrapping' 2. Genre and age group? Merlin!fanfic, Modern!AU, I see you :P Aimed at the fans then; assuming teenagers to young adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Wait for the page to turn by itself. I wouldn't mind reading more, but there's no 'hook' to get me to WANT to know what's going to happen. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:23:36 -0600

1. Your tenses were a bit confused, and some of the grammar did not make that much sense. "he wanted", "now he sees", "old king"... 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, aimed at young adults. 3. Buy it or turn the page? If you edited it a bit, I would turn the page. The concept is interesting, and there is a good range of vocabulary, but the grammar is not strong. 4. Grade? C-, A or B if you sort out the problem with the tenses!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:27:54 -0600

1. I like the poem (using other texts makes the novel richer, so that's a good idea). I think the reader doesn't really care about the disappearance of Samuel - perhaps you need to develop that character a bit/make his disappearance a bit more dramatic. I like the layout - it the novel easy to read. 2. Genre and age group? Possibly mystery? Maybe young readers because of the age of the characters. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page if you develop one of the characters a bit more 4. C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:31:58 -0600

1. The opening sentence didn't grab me. I don't like Leanne or Angelique, so I honestly wouldn't read on - I don't think they are characters that readers necessarily could/would want to identify with. I liked the ending ("powerful eyes" suggested some sense of mystery in relation to the boy), but I think it would be less powerful if the text just continued from that point. It is quite well written, but not to my taste. 2. Genre and age group? Can't tell. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither - sorry. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:37:53 -0600

1.I think the passage would be stronger without the opening sentence - the next sentence shows that he is not literally running, so that was a bit confusing. "Indeed, in the quiet, judgmental solitude of the lab..." is a great opening. The action is a bit...compacted = the character goes from thinking about what to do/reflecting on the situation, to having shot 10 of them within an hour! If the pacing were a bit better (even if you just put a break in the text) then it would read much better. 2. Genre and age group? Thriller? Adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C/B- (because of the pace)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:38:58 -0600

Yeah, i feel ya. I'm having trouble with that opening line for my book. What I'm thinking of doing is starting with the Mafia to draw people in, then introduce Angelique and Leanne. Leanne is only in for a short time. But needs to be explained. If you go to the three paragraph forum, you'll see my Mafia part of the book. Yeah, i think I'll do that. you know, how people begin with a few paragraphs from the middle of the book to draw people in, then actually begin the book. Yeah, I'll explain boring, and boringer later...LOL

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:40:23 -0600

Hey, thanks! That actually helped me more than you know!!! These forums are great!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:41:59 -0600

1. Good building of tension. I wasn't sure about the opening, but it contrasts well with the building tension. Well written and you don't give too much away. i would have preferred a bit of description, simply because it was very dialogue heavy, but that may balance out later in the narrative. "it's only 15 seconds to terminal velocity..." was my favourite bit. 2. Genre and age group? Adventure maybe? Adults/young adults 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, or possibly buy it, depending on the the next page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+/A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:43:05 -0600

Sorry you didn't like it at all! :( Thank you for taking the time to critique it anyway :) I'd just like to clarify some things, if I may take up a bit more of your time. If I'm allowed to ask questions (am I allowed to ask questions? Don't feel obliged to answer this if not): 1. To summarise your critique, the main problems were 'the paragraphs are too fragmented so the story doesn't flow' and 'there's not enough emotion'? And these are serious, horrible problems? 2. In your opinion, is it important to flesh out emotion in these words, or would it be acceptable if things started fleshing out after these points?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:44:00 -0600

And I will reveal now that my book is considered...well...I don't know yet...LOL. It is about an 18 year old girl that is called by God to spread the Gospel to the Boss of the Italian Mafia... So...Christian Supernatural, Drama, ... Let's just say Other :) I doubt anyone has written a book like this. Lord, please don't let them come after me...LOL

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:45:46 -0600

Thank you so much for being both encouraging and constructive, and for your guiding questions :) If I may, can I ask you the same question I asked tchaikovsky above (question 2.)? Sorry for taking up your time; I was just wondering if you think it would still come across as unemotional if the story started gaining weight immediately after this excerpt.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GreenTee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:50:17 -0600

Thank you for outlining what you liked and disliked about it :) May I ask you the second question I asked tchaikovsky as well? Also: Is character development the only thing you found missing? If not, what else would you say to improve on? For instance, do you think the paragraphs are too short? Thanks, and again, you've already critiqued it, so don't feel obliged to answer; I'm just interested in finding out more about what I can improve on :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:56:44 -0600

That's just projection though, isn't it? That actually made the passage more real for me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:58:23 -0600

I think if you add a couple sentences worth of feeling in the beginning and the story started gaining more weight after that, then, I think you should be good. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:00:23 -0600

When Cecilia hears the studio door slam open, she sighs and plops a fresh lump of clay onto her pottery wheel. She pushes at the foot pump to get it spinning. Callisto darts away from the door like a frightened deer. He drops to the floor, kicking up a cloud of dried clay dust that settles on his dark pants and stains them. Cecilia ignores him. The steady squeak and the feel of cool clay spinning past her fingertips calms her as she waits for the guards to approach. Eyes focused on the clay as it begins to take shape, Cecilia becomes certain she can feel the potential in this one. Should she be given the chance to finish it, it will become a bowl to hold her soft slick oil pastels, which keep ending up crushed underfoot and turned to greasy rainbow smears on the dirty stone floor. The two guards' boots come to rest beside her work station. Without looking up, she says, “If this is about the grant, I was told I had the rest of the month to comply.” “Quiet, criminal,” one guard barks in a familiar, feminine voice. Cecilia glares at the guard, who is a pale young woman with black hair in a ponytail, not the wrinkled and welcoming face Cecilia had hoped for. (If you end up all that eager to turn the page, more of this scene is in my profile!)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:01:07 -0600

1. "I am used to fear" hints of the character/their life. I didn't the "strange rustling" was a terrifying sound - it didn't sound like the monster was "devouring everything in his path. I do like the thought processes, and the way it is written. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, young adult? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, possibly buy 4. Grade? (Letter System) B With the critique--be specific. Don't be general.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:03:09 -0600

1. Maybe a bit more description of the surroundings, or of the captor walking towards her with the poker. You do create tension. 2. Genre and age group? Can't tell, and adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably neither because there was not enough detail to grab me, sorry. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C-/D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:04:39 -0600

I copy and pasted so minus the !With the critique--be specific. Don't be general.'!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:07:46 -0600

1. Critique? Good use of description and building of tension. I liked "His neatly-combed head lolled...bouncing" and "she froze like a prey animal, willing her heart to slow" 2. Genre and age group? Can't tell - maybe thriller? And adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably neither because there was not enough detail to grab me, sorry. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C-/D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:09:34 -0600

1. Critique? I agree that it reads like an outline, and kind of spacey and disjointed, but I'd still read more. I like the concept, I just feel like my idea of the concept might not at all match what you were trying to convey. It did catch my attention, but if the whole book read like this I'd give up before long. To be more specific, this is what I find myself wondering. How did they find out Samuel isn't coming back? Who told them? Who restrains Nick-O, and how? I also wonder who these characters are, how old they are, and what the nurses promised, but I figure those questions will be answered later. 2. Genre and age group? Either mystery or supernatural/horror. It could even be YA, but I doubt it. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page for sure, but not buy it unless the prose clears up. 4. Grade? B-, I'd say. I do like it, overall, but there's room for improvement.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:10:41 -0600

Sorry, 3. Turn the page, definitely. 4. A/B. I copied and pasted without changing it...I wont be doing that again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:12:20 -0600

I have changed my opening due to my wonderful critiques. I hope this is better: There’s a small town in Brooklyn that seems to hold some reputation, depending on who you talk to. That town is called Bensonhurst. Many will tell you that this small area of Brooklyn was home to the Italian Mafia for many years. Well, they’d be telling you the truth. But much has happened since then. There are now two different Mafias battling it out for this small section of land; The Italian Mafia and the Russian Mafia, better known as the Red Mafia. This area is so popular when it comes to organized crime because so many people who work for the FBI and the NYPD grew up in Bensonhurst. They never forgot where they came from. Their family was the Mafia, those that were in Brooklyn, that is. Everything seemed to be under wraps. The two bosses of each group decided to make a deal. The Italian Mafia agreed to allow the Russians to migrate to Bensonhurst while they themselves relocate to New Jersey, but only under certain conditions. These conditions have been met for many years, until now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:17:00 -0600

1. Critique? Your writing is really close to what I'd expect to see in a published novel, and I enjoyed this. The second line does seem awkward. At the very least I'd separate it into two sentences instead of keeping in the commas. The second paragraph might benefit from being broken into more paragraphs as well, but it kept me engaged anyway. I also wonder if "scrapping" is a typo, and you meant "scraping"? On another note it really bodes well for your work in my eyes that the only criticism I have to offer is this nitpicky grammar stuff. Good job. 2. Genre and age group? Urban fantasy, not explicitly "adult" but not YA either. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, probably buy it if the rest reads like this. I agree that there's no huge hook to be seen here, but the subject matter interests me enough. 4. Grade? A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:21:08 -0600

Ah, I see what you mean about motion and sound and such. Yes, adding that to my story and I will have a New York Times #1 Best Seller...LOL. The story is about an aspiring artist whose broke and probably steals her tools (guessing). You explain everything very well. I like it! I think i may mosey on to your profile... I say you get an A :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:36:54 -0600

Thanks for critiquing. :) I'd prefer to keep the idea of the second sentence in the beginning, but I agree that it's an awkward sentence as it is. I've always hated it, tbh. haha How does this sound? Once upon a time, in a city cloaked by mist, where knights wielded no swords, princes fought flash photography, and glass coffins led to nowhere but dead bodies, there was a man named Merlin Emrys, who by birth was cursed to be Remy Limners, but in truth was Merlin Emrys.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:38:38 -0600

Oh Lord, I apologize, i think I broke all the critique rules...LOL. Okay, lets start all over and I'll try to get my other stuff erased...stinkin Newbies...LOL. 1.You explain everything very well. I like it! I think i may mosey on to your profile... 2. Genre and age group? Drama? Adult? The story is about an aspiring artist whose broke and probably steals her tools (guessing). 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page and based on what is on the next page, decide if I was going to buy it. 4. Grade - A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:40:28 -0600

Actually, I like this better lol: Once upon a time, in a city cloaked by mist, where knights wielded no swords, princes fought flash photography, and glass coffins lead to nowhere but dead bodies, there was a man named Merlin Emrys, who was cursed to be Remy Limners, but in truth was Merlin Emrys.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:41:53 -0600

Thanks for reading my excerpt. :) I reworked the opening a bit, if you'd like to tell me how it reads now. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:44:06 -0600

I like this a lot! I am sure someone is going to tell you that there's not enough action, but I would keep reading if this was the start of a book. I liked how you said "depending on who you talk to" in the first sentence. It seemed to be foreshadowing conflict, and it reads much like some of your excellent dialogue does. I can almost hear this being read by a narrator as the opening scenes of a movie based on your novel play. It slows down a little halfway through, though. I wonder if there's a way to alternate the narration with the introduction of your characters? I wish I had more suggestions. I might be biased, though. I'm taking my characters from my novel and casting them in an alternate universe Mafia story, so reading this just gets me excited to go back and write more.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:44:30 -0600

1. Critique? Just a couple of thoughts from a first reading (like in a bookstore): Because you begin with the word "When" I think it's not the very first paragraph? If it is I don't think you need it (but, I'm no expert on English grammar). I'm also not used to read stories in present tense, but I think you handle it well (again, English is my second language) 2. Genre and age group? Ummm.... my first thought is Fantasy, but from this excerpt it could be anything, really, from Historical to Mystery. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I wouldn't buy it yet, but definetly turn the page! 4. Grade? (Letter System) Since it's optional I'll skip .... (don't know anything about your system)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:48:20 -0600

So, perhaps I'll try with my own: (I put it on what now is page 3, but did not get any answers so I'll try again) The whip cracked. Akir flinched, and almost lost his grip on the rough beam. Darkness burn you, I am moving. Reaching up with his right, he pulled himself higher, not wasting time to look behind. The lash hadn't made contact; it might have been only a warning, or he was too high up. Sweat stung fiercly in the one that had accompanied the order to climb the pile. Both his palms were already scraped and a splinter sat deep in the left. Something sharp had cut his leg right below left knee, but it had to take care of itself for now as he didn't have his shirt to tear some stirps for a bandage. Akir shook his head, he could't afford to get distracted on the precarious climb. A sense of urgency had been building in the quarry the last few months, and by now every small hitch in production made the foremen jumpy. He chanced to lock gazes with Kanek, who struggled beside him. His friend grimaced and grit his teeth; Akir could see the red stripe growing on a shoulder, and closed his eyes for a moment. Even the foremen should realize that can't make us try any harder.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:48:23 -0600

It sounds much better to me, and I agree with Dani Marchand, your writing is pretty much at publishing stage.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:51:27 -0600

I think either character development or developing the disappearance (enticing details, hints at what has happened, and so on). You could develop both, but I think either would suffice. The paragraphs are short, but I think the layout help with the readability. If you condensed the text into bigger paragraphs, I don't think it would flow as well. The only problem with continuing that layout the whole way through, is that it can be hard to get drawn into the story - it can feel a bit disjointed at times. I'd be interested to see what the rest of the novel reads like :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:56:45 -0600

hey, don't steal my stuff...LOL. I got dialog right after that, but I can put some in the middle of the two paragraphs or figure something out. Oh yeah! it's on now! It's six o'clock in the morning and I still ain't sleepin, johnny said...LOL

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:58:20 -0600

Alternate universe, you say? Hmmmm....so, when's your book coming out :) Maybe our Mafia people can meet up one day after we're famous authors :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:02:36 -0600

Well, mainly it's like I can't really connect with the characters since there's not enough time spent on how exactly they're feeling. But I don't mean that you should spent countless sentences explaining every single thing they're feeling, since that can become overwhelming. But for instance this part: [quote]Nick-O is angry. He runs around inside the hospital, going nowhere, until the nurses have to come and restrain him. They take him away 'just for now'; to yet another white room where Mark and Jimmy can neither see nor hear nor feel their friend anymore.[/quote] I can't really connect with Nick-O because I don't fully understand why he's angry. I know it has to do with Samuel, but instead of feeling angry with Nick-O. I'm just like, "Oh, okay. He's angry. Nurses are restraining him. Okay." But I can't really get angry with him because I don't know what exactly his rage is feeding off of. fjhgdfgsjh I don't know how to explain this, since technically I do know why since it's stated because of Samuel, but somehow that doesn't feel like enough to anger me with Nick-O? I think maybe it's a case of "show don't tell," with more telling than showing? But that's why I wouldn't really be inclined to read on. There's isn't much connecting me to these characters for me to really care about them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:14:01 -0600

1. Critique? This is really boring. I'm obviously supposed to worry about where Samuel is, but I don't care. Now that Samuel's gone, Nick-O is angry, and Jimmy is yelling, I still don't care. There's too much telling. I advise you to tell us what they feel rather than what they see or touch or do. 2. Genre and age group? MG 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =[ 4. Grade? D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:20:18 -0600

1. Critique? I only get the setting on the last paragraph, which is bad. The first few paragraphs, I don't understand what's going on or why the character is in pain, what's happening, etc. We need to see this information right away, so maybe you need to rewrite it and place the setting on the first paragraph. I instantly got lost and was tempted to stop reading on the fourth paragraph. 2. Genre and age group? I dont know. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither =[ 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SPQR22 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:33:56 -0600

Thanks for the critique! I will definately take some of your advice ( of course the equivalent of it in german :P).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sophieneveu — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:57:12 -0600

Hey! My name is Sophia and well I have a problem. I have a problem to make guys fall in love with me. They just can’t. They treat me like a sister, every single one of them. I have no idea why at least I didn’t until I found my answer. For now the answer is for me to know and for you to discover. Well, this is my story. It all started when the posters for senior prom was being put up on the walls. That was the exact moment my life changed. ‘Why?’ you ask? Keep going. “Hey Sophia! You got a date for prom yet? Matt just asked me out!” my best friend Cassie chippered beside me. I’m telling you, that girl never stop being bumpity all day.. She is like a ball of sunshine or something. She has energy overload and a pocketful of happiness. There is no way in hell you can't smile when you're with Cassie. No wonder all the guys I know fawn over her. Not to mention she is pretty too! She won the Miss Mystic Falls for the past five years! "Nah! I haven't" I said back to her. At that moment I realized that all these years during prom, I've been helping out backstage with the decoration comitee and teachers and this is my one year of prom on my own. I had no work to do since I was a senior now and I was dateless. Ahh well, life sucked! An early thanks everyone!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:00:32 -0600

Thanks! I've really got to figure the "hook" thing out for this one! But thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

candlelightwriter — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:09:10 -0600

@ Captain Spuds and 9393usak and Knotalzumi1 Thanks for the critiques! I find grammar help invaluable since I often fail to catch the mistakes myself. This was the 1st novel I've ever written in 1st person (normally I write in omniscient 3rd) and I found my voice changing a bit because of it, so I knew the 1st chapter when I was first getting into the "groove" of my MC's voice was a bit rough, but now I know what to look out for. ^.^ As for sentence structure, I tried to make my sentence short to heighten tension, but I guess you would perfer that I vary the structure instead of trying to heighten tension? Or is there enough tension to begin with? Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

RuthieD — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:09:12 -0600

Thank you for the critique! You got it right the first time. The next paragraph explains that she is a teacher.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:32:54 -0600

1. Critique? I disagree with Sibil. Though I do admit I am lost in the context, you do a great job of explaining this character's struggle, gave me a sense of urgency about climbing this pile, and made me realize he was doing this unwillingly. I have a sense of an antagonist, and that he's in a place where they don't want to be. It sounds like he is working hard doing...I'm not sure. I'm sure when you rewrite it the reader will get a better clue, but you've done a good job with the sensory images (scraping, splinters, ripped shirt, sweat etc.) I can see the frustration of being lost and not knowing where the character is. If you add this, I think you'll have a stronger piece. 2. Genre and age group? I'm guessing an adventure of some sort. And adult. It's hard to tell. 3. Buy it or turn the page? At this point turn page. You've intrigued me, but I'll probably read on to see how you tell your story differently and what sets your plot apart. 4. Grade? (Letter System) Solid B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

32AurorA05 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:39:16 -0600

Wait, not 'it.' There. There was a house

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:42:42 -0600

She felt his cold stare upon her. Why was he staring at her like that? His eyes were cold and murderous and she had never felt such blistering hate. She imagined her death 50 times over again, but he didn’t move as if he was waiting for something to happen. She turned away flushed from her frightened state. The suspense was too much. If he was going to kill her, he should just do it. One man, she had said. Just one other man living knew where he was residing…Could he believe that it was really that simple; that his freedom could be kept by keeping the silence of two people? Could he escape the god’s grasp so easily? “Where is he now?” His voice was almost in a whisper. Everin’s lip trembled, and tears stung her eyes. Sickening guilt struck her as she realized that to save herself she would have to betray her messenger. She hesitated for a moment but said, “’E’s in thee outskirts of town…hidin' near one of the houses ‘round Trudgeburn Inn.” She closed her eyes. It was done. She had uttered the words that would send him to his grave.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:56:39 -0600

Hahaha! I'm glad it made yor day. Yes due to circumstances.. although seeing that Tomasso (Thomas, Toma, Tom.. "beloved child has many names" as we say in Sweden), is immune to disease and infections, it may just be that no bacteria are able to take a hold of his oral cavity... I hadn't thought of this, but that is a rather good piece of information, to save his teeth over the centuries. (Not a vampier novel)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:00:43 -0600

Thank you for your extremely helpful and detailed reply. I think you're right that the whole ukulele bit is what gives the start of the story the feel of 'this will be a comedy'. I wanted an utterly absurd image and that was the first thing to jump to mind. It might change, the specific image isn't important. I agree that Alissa doesn't give a strong enough impression in those first couple paragraphs. That's something I'm really trying to think about. On the one hand, she spends most of the first two chapters hallucinating and/or exhausted, so it's hard to get a lot of character defining moments in there. On the other hand, I need the reader's sympathy to be with her. Anyway, I won't babble forever. Your critique was very helpful. Again, thanks.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:01:13 -0600

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you, it's always nice to read a bit of encouragement.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The Pelican Maze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:21:16 -0600

1. Critique? This sample is conversational in tone, except it is more like a monologue with the character on one end and the reader on the other. The character recalls a past event so there is room for narrative intrusion - and depending on how the narrator intrudes, readers might have issues. For example, "life sucked". Did it suck just because Sophia was alone for prom night? That would be a closed-minded attitude. Is Sophia meant to come across in that way? Nonetheless, there are several errors that must be cleared up first before that can be discussed. Sophia saying "Hey!" is a strange way to open this monologue - after all, do people say "hello" when they're about to say over fifty thousand words? The sample is full of grammar and wording issues. The second sentence needs commas. The third sentence is ambiguous. Does the character have a problem with making guys fall in love with her? Or does she tell guys about a maths problem (say) and they subsequently fall in love with her? The sixth and seventh sentences also need commas. Posters for senior prom *were* being put up on the walls, and this is also in passive voice which you may want to change. There is no precise moment necessarily captured by people putting up posters on walls, unless there is a group of people putting up all of the posters in unison. The word "chipper" is a noun and an adjective, but not a verb to my knowledge. Your artistic license of using the word as a verb may confuse readers. A possible replacement that comes to my mind is "chirped". An even better one is "said"; conveying emotions through speech tags is typically awkward. Also, "never stop being bumpity all day" is ungrammatical, has a word "bumpity" that I don't understand, and is followed by two periods. Cassie won Miss Mystic Falls for the past five years, or Cassie won the Miss Mystic Falls contest for the past five years. The quotation "Nah! I haven't," has a comma. You use single quotation marks for 'Why?' rather than double quotation marks and I'm not sure why that is. "At that moment I realized that all these years during prom, I had been helping out backstage with the decoration committee, and teachers, and this was the first year of prom where I was truly on my own." There are some issues with that sentence - notably that it runs on a bit too long. But nonetheless it does not have the most glaring errors of the original. Sophia "had no work to do" - when? Sophia was a senior *then*. Maybe she is now as well, I'm not sure, but she certainly was then. My critique is not exhaustive, but the mistakes above make the story much harder to read and are worth addressing first. 2. Genre and age group? Young adult, coming-of-age. For younger teenagers. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TeeVee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:22:38 -0600

The feeling of the wind blowing through your hair, there’s nothing better. A bright summer’s afternoon, the clouds white and puffy as they float lazily across the sky, no destination in mind. Just like me. I once floated across the sky, something so immensely freeing I won’t soon forget it. It’s not normal, for one to fly. It was certainly one of the reasons that I was cast out of my community, or at least, shied away from. They didn’t understand that for me, flying was a way of expressing myself as well as seeing the world in a new way. My name is Delia, I am a Flyhorn. My wings don’t flap, they don’t even have feathers. I made my wings, but they are still as much a part of me as my arms and my legs. I became fascinated by the Flyhorns when I was seven. I would look up at the sky and see the birds flying overhead and want to be there with them. The Flyhorns were not seen in my community. They were outsiders, people who came to trade things amongst normal people for money. When I heard they were coming I would run into the streets to see them, sit by all the other children as they told us stories of what they had seen and heard. They could talk to birds, they said. They had seen across the great ocean, they said. I would sit for hours and listen to the stories they would tell.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The Pelican Maze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:41:34 -0600

Walking was a favored means of transportation among the residents of Niederstadt. Pedestrians outnumbered cars on roads and sidewalks identically paved with tiles. Under the October evening sky, lifetime residents paid no notice to the sounds of the heavy rain and the tides. Eli Behrmann was a newcomer; he distracted himself from the sounds by counting tiles as he walked. Every four steps, Eli landed on a red square. One, two, three, click. Those who walked in Eli's way were vain antagonists in his march to apartment number 214 at 2 Baileystrasse. Every eight steps, he would glance to check that his surroundings conformed to the Google street view to his satisfaction. Eli's path was clear, and his journey uneventful apart from one clash of coats. The other coat said something to Eli, which he guessed was the German equivalent of ``look where you're going". Eli's mother once told him that some people have bad days and vent their frustration on others. It is a necessary part of a virtuous life to bear other people's grievances. He didn't lose a step.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MissMidgard — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:56:11 -0600

1. Lovely and atmospheric, I can picture everything perfectly, and I can smell the wet autumn air. The last sentence of the second paragraph might need some work - the last few words about Google Street View are slightly muddled, but that's all I can see in terms of syntax and grammar. The phrase "clash of coats" is effective in creating the imagery of faceless black shapes in the rain, but it could be worked in more effectively to better convey how Eli bumped into them. I love the last few sentences of this excerpt. 2. Genre and age group? Very hard to tell - certainly adult, but genre is tricky to discern - mystery? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page to get more information, and certainly buy if the next page appealed. 4. Grade? B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The Pelican Maze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:08:12 -0600

Thank you for your remarks. I will work on the second paragraph.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:09:16 -0600

Alright I'll take that into consideration. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:12:10 -0600

Thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LisaMDJ — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:54:27 -0600

Thanks! Just to let you know, this is actually sort of a modern retelling of Frankenstein, for a YA audience. There was never a car accident, and he never had a mother -- he was actually created by his father in a lab, from the remains of the corpses of several young boys who were in a bus accident. So the book is about him finding out his father has been lying to him and then going on a bit of a journey to find out who (what) he is. He finds out fairly quickly in the book, but other stuff happens too! It's the first book of a planned trilogy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cheyinka — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:10:36 -0600

Thank you! Ten is so important to the primary culture of my novel that things numbered in tens show up a lot - hopefully it gets less frustrating as time goes on. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nenya1985 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:17:08 -0600

Dear Readers, Today is the first day of the New Year and I want to welcome you to my blog. This year shall be different. This year everything shall change... Oh well, maybe I should present myself first, so you know who I am. My name is Melody Williams, I’m 26 years old and I’m single. I’ve been single for more than two years now and I really think I have to change this situation. This year I’m trying to find a man and I want to use my new blog to write about my experiences. Some of you who know Doctor Who will probably wonder about my name. Melody Williams, they will think, isn’t that the daughter of Amy and Rory, who calls herself River Song as an adult? Yes, that’s true. I only see two possibilities why I have this name. The first one is that my parents are time travellers and have decided that they would name me Melody after they’ve watched Doctor Who in the future. I still somehow believe this but they haven’t shown any signs of time travelling since then, so I can’t proof anything.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:35:36 -0600

1. Critique? It's an interesting idea. You have same grammar mistakes that you'd probably catch on your own if you read it - prove, instead of proof. You do a good job of giving your character personality right off the bat with her inner dialogue (she's sarcastic and contemplative, I think). My only problem is, your character's parents traveled into the future and found out who Doctor Who was...so, that would be around the early 1960s. So, you would have to be born around then, but then you would be much older than 26, but yet you're in the future enough to be able to write a blog. I guess, a sense of time or knowing if you traveled in time...or what it means to be 26 (relative to some starting point in time) would help me. I included time travel in my story and trust me, I realize how hard it is to get the explanations right! 2. Genre and age group? Young Adult/Science Fiction/Romance 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page to see where it was going 4. Grade? B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:36:19 -0600

Sorry, I meant, your character would have had to been born sometime before the 1960s...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:37:37 -0600

Thanks for taking the time to read and review. :) I'm hoping this will slot in below both reviews. If not then, sorry, that was my intention. Shutters is a metaphor. He has shut himself away in his head as a result of the premonition (which has happened) as he believes it all happened because of him. (This is explained later, of course). He's exhibiting some autistic type characteristics, but I'm thinking of it in terms of elective mutism/PTSE as my reference point. But it's fantasy, so I can play with his symptoms a little. Tears started to his eyes is actually a legit expression, but if it's something that people aren't familiar with (like 2 in a sample of 2!) I'll change it. Yes, the Aerie is the changers' city and it's on top of an extinct volcano. The island the bulk of the novel is set on is volcanic as I was reading about Big Island Hawaii and thought how great it was to have so many different terrains on the one island - from ash desert to rainforest. I've expanded the opening a bit since posting, but yes, it will keep the same tone. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:45:55 -0600

I hate being the bait. Standing in the dimly lit, empty parking lot, I pulled my phone out of my purse, pretending to use it to justify standing there a little longer. Maybe the rumors of a Beast in the area were wrong. Danny, a high level Hunter, probably set me up for this supposed capture. The end of our last sparring match wasn’t my fault. It’s not like Danny’s nose was actually broken, anyway. How can I achieve higher Hunter levels spending time standing around trying to look helpless, and tasty? I sighed at the thought of being stuck at the lowest Hunter level. Forever a Dragonfly. The early October weather was cool, but not cold. Occasional wind bursts sent bits of trash dancing in the dry air. Being three in the morning, street traffic was almost nonexistent. Tall hedges edging the parking lot blocked my view of the street, and sidewalks. Still, someone might report me for loitering. Earlier, a human drove up to me, offered to buy something I wasn’t selling. Time to call it a night. I put the phone back in my purse and turned to head to my car. Then, I see the shadow.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sophieneveu — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:12:49 -0600

Thank you for pointing it out! This is my first time writing! I would keep your advise in mind! Thanks!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:13:47 -0600

Thanks for your critique! I honestly feel honored that anyone will look at my writing, and I'm very glad that someone will want to turn the page, even though I have areas to improve of course, but feedback is so essential to that improvement. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Vicky_Bolam — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:48:56 -0600

This is my first critique, so I hope my comments are helpful! 1. Critique I really was drawn into the story from your first sentence! I did understand rightaway that she (because of the purse) was in a training system or society, and had a bad relationship with someone higher up in the system. The line about Danny's nose not really being broken made me laugh :) and I loved the last sentance, a great hook. Finally great setting of the scene-your descriptions are clean and easy to read. It was alittle confusing for me when you spoke of a human as if she was not one...I guess I assumed that she was a human because of the cellphone and purse etc. I did not see any obvious grammer things, but I have issues with grammer myself so... :) 2. Genre and age : I am thinking fantasy, adventure, maybe sci-f 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page for sure, and maybe buy depending on if the story got violent or gory (not my style) 4. Grade? A for sure :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 12:25:38 -0600

I want to turn the page, which means I like your story so far! For me it would be even better if the snake were actually real, or if we find out she's having a nightmare related to an earlier real (awake) experience she actually has had with a snake. Editorial thoughts: (some are small details I know, but just some things you might consider...) I'd drop "wood" after mahogany--it's usually assumed to be wood, unless you say something like, mahogany colored fur, or clothing, or whatever, and anyway you say "wood of peace" right afterwards. After "peace", change to something like "very enticing", or "and it enticed me over..." For pacing, or better flow, or however you might call it, here's an alternate version: Start with an ellipsis right after sleepy, instead of a period, so it slows down for just a fraction of a moment, like you're actually getting sleepy, so the following jolt of action is even more of a jolt, and don't take us to the TV (animal channel) 'cause that takes us out of her 'reality' nightmare. (Notice my details such as intentionally leaving off the comma after "snooze" becaue suddently things are happening fast.) "...I pulled back the covers for a quick snooze but before I could react, a hissing, six-foot Copperhead bared its fangs, and I shrieked in terror! In a fuzzy haze I started to back away, slowly, as innocently as possible. The venemous snake sprang to the floor and slithered quickly toward me, opening its mouth really wide and then..." In such a short span, you don't need to hint that things are not totally realistic (as in, in might just be a dream; 'snakes can do that?"); we find out soon enough. Keep working on this, it sounds like it has a lot of potential! Great job!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AsbesdosMoth — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 12:26:47 -0600

The chanting of ancient rite was loud and constant, incantation and curses screaming out manically in the blinding heat. Men and women danced naked and frenzied in the blazing sun of the desert, throwing their limbs around madly, grouped together like animals in a cage. The priest cut the throats of chickens and lizards, crushed scorpions into fine pastes against stone tablets, seasoned with poisonous plants that made men see the unreal. The dancers gathered to drink of blood, still crying their incantations as they gurgled it down, spilling it over the patch of dry rock that they had made their stage. Joyous and mad they danced, magic was in the air and in the blood. To a god long gone, they gave their fealty, reveling in the wonders of crazed, dark magic. Drums pounded and bodies writhed, jerking and screaming ecstatically as the magic coursed their systems, as one mind they arose to new heights to touch their god. At the epicenter, the priest sat upon the dust, bobbing his head to the rhythm of the music, his grizzled hand crushed the life waters from a large spider, blood falling into a fresh bowl, newly made for new ritual.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:01:35 -0600

Wow, thank you. Your version sounds so much better. It'll definitely help me when I rewrite. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:05:08 -0600

Thank you, Vicky_Bolam, for taking time to review my writing! Your comments are very helpful, and appreciated. They provide a perspective other than my own, something I very much need. Your feedback helped me see a weakness in the piece (the "human" remark). Again, thanks! :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:28:20 -0600

@ sibil and Nikk_E - Thank you! Since you pointed out the same problem, I'll answer you at the same time... I see the problem now - and you're right. I'm probably too well aquinted with my characters and setting to realize that myself :) I'll do a rewrite and might try again. It's a fine line ta walk between starting "in medias res" and still give the reader a feeling of the setting - all in only 200 words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sherylgwin — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:46:10 -0600

He regained balance and aimed his fist at Richard's mid-section. Richard jumped back, narrowly avoiding the blow. Tyler lifted up his leg and kicked hard at Richard's chest. Richard crashed to the floor and Tyler pinned him down. "Better." he said, grinning. Richard glared up at him and arched his back, throwing off his father. Tyler staggered back in surprise. Richard jumped up and stood, defiant. Tyler regained himself and lurched forward, he swung his elbow towards Richard's face. Richard crouched low, dodging, and chopped upward with his forearm. He slammed his hand, now a blade, into his father's side. Tyler crumpled. Richard took his chance and pinned him down. He brought up his arm and slammed it down with crushing force into Tyler's face. He heard a satisfying crunch and pulled back. Blood gushed from his father's nose. It dripped to the floor into a dark red pool. Tyler started to get up but Richard soon grabbed him from behind and slammed him against his chest. Richard yanked back his hair and slipped his arm around his father's neck in a headlock. A low, guttural snarling could be heard in the back of Richard's throat. "Is that good enough for you father? Satisfied?" he growled. Tyler chuckled. "Not yet."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

caprici42 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:51:06 -0600

Thank you! Your critique was spot-on, and I've already reworded that "carefully" line. I'm thrilled you like the idea, because I love it, but I definitely go through bouts of self-doubt. Just have to pull through! And I'm totally stoked that in my first NaNo I managed to win! And more than that, create a habit of writing. I woke up on December 1, totally free, and didn't want to do anything but continue with my story. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

caprici42 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:54:14 -0600

Well, hopefully someday someone will recommend it to you...because that will mean that it's been published. That's definitely what I'm going for. I've had this idea puttering around since 2007. Just had to get down to writing it! I agree that his tone would not be lost, so I've changed that line to better reflect what I mean. Thank you for your input!!!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Racotol — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:56:31 -0600

Hi Ruperts5 What I read here kept my interest and made me want to read more, so I consider that a good sign. The dialogue is understandable and easy to follow with feelings that can be felt by the reader. Science fiction is a good genre because we can allow our imagination to go beyond what we consider possible in an earthly world. I like the feeling and the good continuity of what I read.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

caprici42 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:57:45 -0600

Wow, everyone's comments and critiques are so wonderful. All of these changes, I've made, and the first page is so much better for it. I agree that "L12" is odd-looking. It was jarring for me at first too, but then I got used to it. Might have to go back to the drawing board on that one, but so far it's the best I've found. There's a definite reason for it, and it doesn't last throughout the entire novel. Thank you so much for your constructive comments! And your kind critque. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:14:55 -0600

I'll be the one annoying person who'll say a big thing that annoys me is that... You say Merlin Emrys too much... I'd say it once, then leave it, since you have Merlin Emrys and Remy Limners in one go, I'd scrape off the last Emrys to make it flow better. Might be personal preferance, but... And really good begining, like pretty much everyone else said, worthy of a published novel! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:16:32 -0600

I'd really like to read your work when you're ready for others to read it! :) I love reading about that time period. ^_^ [and I really like the excerpt on your page!]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lalina2005 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:20:25 -0600

Rain poured down from a gunmetal sky as Regan Anderson raced toward work. It was supposed to have been a sunny day – but of course the weatherman was never right – which is why she found herself wearing completely inappropriate footwear and cursing at the clouds that came seemingly from nowhere. The rain poured down like a monsoon, fat drops of water falling and splatting hugely against her windshield; the car’s wipers were going at a furious pace trying to keep up. An 18-wheeler truck raced past her and somehow managed to souse her tiny car with gritty rainwater, making her swerve alarmingly into the next lane. A braying honk caused her shoulders to bunch up, and her already white-knuckled grip on the car tightened even further as she tried to recover. “Okay! Okay!” she yelled out in frustration at the driver of the other car who was still laying on the horn. The fact he - or she - couldn't hear Regan's shouting was inconsequential. After a harrowing drive she managed to pull into the parking lot in one piece. It was a close call but she was alive. Now if only she could manage to make it across the parking lot without too much damage to her suede shoes, life would be sufferable if not exactly good.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:29:59 -0600

Alright. Honestly, if I opened this in a bookstore, I'd close it immediently and move on. Here's why: 1-- As many have said, it reads more like an outline. There's no depth, no substance, nothing. He does this. She does that. No emotion, no characterization. 2-- It's way too omnescient. There's a deity hovering above to tell this story, but he doesn't care. He's just transcripting events. It's not a football game! :D Thoughts, feelings, desciptions. Especially thoughts. That's how you make us like your characters. 3-- Sentence structure. You start most sentences with a pronoun. Big no-no. It's easy to do in nano, I do it all the time but it must be removed in editing! Adverbs, adjectives, omnamonapia, nouns... There are a million ways to make diverse sentences. Put a few together, mix them up... get some diversity in there. The begining is the hook. Thus, it as to be as good as possible in the first paragraph. Otherwise, people (agents, publishers) won't read on, and few readers will. I bet you have a great understanding of your characters, you just need to get that across to the readers, because we don't automatically love them. The more distant we are from them, the less we care. It sucks, but, you've really got to prove we should care. I'd recommend amping up the emotion. Sam died, was taken, or left. Start with that, go with that, and intriuge with the hints of the mystery I can tell will be there. :D Good luck! Genre: Mystery... MG or YA Buy it: No, sorry Grade: C (with potential)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:44:20 -0600

1. Critique: Well, I agree with all of Pelican's grammatical fixes, so I'm going to save us both time. Story wise... We're not left with a great idea what the plot is. Maybe it's going to come in the next sentence, but it couldn't because you have to do under 200. I'm guessing it has to do with her making someone fall in love with her... But that's really vague. Is it a specific guy, or just a prom date? Why does she want this so badly? Currently, the reader doesn't feel very sympathetic for her, and without any motive, she just sounds like a shallow teen. I'd also tone down the voice. If it was a play or something verbal, it'd probably be fine, but not many people want to listen to a teen jabber about boys for 5 minutes, let alone over 50,000 words. Smooth it out, fix the grammar, and maybe even get a bit of discription and action in there. 2. Genre: YA, Chick-lit/Romatic comedy-type 3. Buy it or turn the page: No... Poeple who are too hyper annoy me in real life, I wouldn't pay $10 to deal with more of it. Maybe I'd turn the page by morbid curiosity. Maybe. Good luck! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CallMeCordelia — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:19:28 -0600

First time critiquing so I will try to be helpful :-) 1. The good stuff: I'm hooked, I want to know more about this girl and why the man is going to kill her. This opening scene is intense and drops you right into the action. I can feel the emotion of the characters. 2. You switch POV three times very quickly. I thought the the 2nd paragraph was still the girl's POV until the end of the 2nd sentence. You can of course switch POV but it has to be done carefully. you don't want to confuse your reader. I think that every other paragraph might be a bit much. 3. I think the use of the word cold in the 3rd sentence is a bit redundant. (His eyes were murderous and she had never felt such blistering hate.) The 4th and 5th sentences are a bit clunky and don't seem to flow with the rest of the paragraph. Why is she thinking about the times she imagined her deaths? these pulls me out of the moment (She imagined her death 50 times over again, but he didn’t move as if he was waiting for something to happen.She turned away flushed from her frightened state.) I would remove the first half of the sentence and reword it. 4. Maybe add the messenger's name there are a lot of 'he' pronouns and it could get hard to keep track. 5. I don't get any sense of place, they could be anywhere. I realize that a sense of place might show up in the very next sentence. (200 words is so short.) But do make sure to show us the surroundings. 6. Genre and age group? Historical fiction, romance or fantasy, YA or adult 7. Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page, and potential buy. I hope this helps. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:32:56 -0600

okay, another revision (thanks for everyone's help so far). Prologue: Earth, 1944: Vincent tugged hard on Renée’s arm but pulled away quickly, remembering her fatal rash. “Could you please pick up your two feet?” Ignoring Vincent’s exasperated requests to continue running, Renée slowly walked under the bridge and witnessed the pendant she held develop into a paintbrush. She almost dropped it from all the sweat on her weak body. Confidently, she began painting a small door on one of the bridge’s columns. Though Vincent registered that Renée was somehow magically holding a large paintbrush, he skimmed over the mystery due to fear. “Really, now is no time for art. The gestapo is less than a kilometer away!” “But Vincent, look at the vibrant yellow. The dull wood underneath has no effect on the color!” Vahnul, 2011: “It doesn’t seem to want me to touch it.” Vayaki said sullenly. As an invisible force pushed her hand away, a hopeful reality of magic settled in their minds. Within a blink, Laken’s hand no longer held a tiny charm. Without waiting for Vayaki’s thoughts, he began outlining a red door on the floor with his new paintbrush. “I’ve never seen paint this purely red,” Laken murmured, adding in a doorknob. “You’re completely defacing this wretched library,” Vayaki whispered. Laken continued, smiling. He knew his sister was hoping for an escape as much as him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Void-Auron — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:45:55 -0600

1. Critique? I don't have much of an idea what this is going to lead to, but we've got a good sense of mood. A compelling tense and frustrated feeling. However, I assumed from the first couple sentences that Regan was walking (complaining about the rain, commenting on footwear, using the verb 'raced') to work and found the fact she wasn't quite jarring. On wording: In the first paragraph, "The rain poured down like a monsoon, fat drops of water falling and splatting hugely against her windshield; the car’s wipers were going at a furious pace trying to keep up." The verbs sounded somewhat awkward, perhaps keep the third phrase in the same tense? e.g. "...her car's wipers went at a furious pace in trying to keep up." But that might be worse, I'm bad at matching verb tenses. In the third paragraph, the first two sentences seem to say pretty much the same thing. 2. Genre and age group? Presumably adult, could be any genre at this point. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page and see if things got more exciting. I will admit though, that while it's more of a individual feeling, I'm not sympathizing much with the main character yet (it's the focus on the shoes, probably) and would stop reading if I didn't find something compelling about them soonish. If teen girls with a distain for nice shoes aren't your target audience you're probably doing just fine.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CallMeCordelia — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:14:38 -0600

Thick, curling mist greets us in the pre-dawn gray of morning, as I gather with the other captives at the edge of our village. I pull my cloak tighter around my shoulders in the brisk early morning air, as I fidget nervously with my Da’s silver, chunky braided neck ring, it was a symbol of my Da’s clan status, an incomplete circle that fits around my neck with a whale on each end. Momma gave it to me after the solders chose me to be taken to Markirk. Luckily the Markirkiens believe our silver is cursed by our Goddess so when they looted our village they left it with us only prying the emerald eyes out of the whales. “Here, Aspen you will need this,” a voice calls out and I watch the thin, wind swept figure of my Momma walk quickly through the mud to my side. Smiling weakly she hands me a water bag and I try to smile bravely back while anxiously pulling at the straps on my gathering basket trying to settle the weight. It was carrying what was left of my life. “Llyra protect you and may the four point star one day lead you home.” She whispers.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

xemmawhyx — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:24:34 -0600

Here is mine, let me know what you think - interested in your views. ** He was staggering through the desert, every move and action taking so much energy that he was starting to wonder if it was best to simply give up. To stop, to never move again. For at least that way, he would not have to think of them again. He would not have to think of all those had left behind, of all those who still hoped and prayed for his return. Surely, they had realized by then that he could never come home? It was an almost statistical impossibility, the likelihood of survival slimmer day by day. Staring up at the vultures circling up ahead, he smiled grimly. They were waiting for him, as they truly always had. They had been his constant companion through this entire journey, and they were still waiting for him now. Comrades in action, when the rest had fallen. They had been watching it all from above, and he knew that the second he collapsed they would be on him; eradicating all traces of him from sight. If only they could do the same to the memories of those he left behind, so that they could not miss him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

xemmawhyx — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:28:48 -0600

Critique This is a good idea, although it seems a little haphazard; a little unclear to me what exactly is happening - the sentences themselves seem to be a little too long. Men and women danced naked and frenzied in the blazing sun of the desert, throwing their limbs around madly, grouped together like animals in a cage: might be better- Men and women danced naked, frenzied, in the blazing sun of the desert. They threw their limbs around madly, grouped together like animals in a cage. Just check your wording and sentence structure, although I do love the imagery - I get that this is Nano writing and I think with a little rewriting this could be great :) Age Group: Definitely adults I believe from this 'clip' and it doesn't seem to be very mainstream; depending on what happens next I would hazard a guess at either historical fiction (although probably not) or perhaps some type of fantasy? Buy Turn Page: I would definitely turn the page, although I do not think I would buy as from this I would be very cautious about the contents of the novel as a whole. x

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lalina2005 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:29:26 -0600

lol... thank you for the critique :)) This first 200 word thing is tougher than it looks! heh

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

xemmawhyx — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:36:44 -0600

Critique - OK, I think the names are used a little too much,that the thing I am finding hard to read; and the fact that Tyler is Richard's father. Perhaps you could make it more understandable, put it from Richard's point of view or say Tyler, Richard's father the first time. That aside, this scene has potential and could become pretty interesting :D Age Group - YA fiction, am I right? Would I Buy/Read - Buy? Probably not at this stage, although if it was rewritten perhaps. Read on? Yeah, I probably would turn the page. Grading - B- :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:53:36 -0600

I can't say much about your excerpt, xemmawhyx. I wouldn't, honestly, change a thing about it. It makes me want to read the rest. *** This is direct pulled from the first page of my novel. I'd like to know if you'd keep reading or not. I stared blankly at the tumultuous dark-suited woman in front of me. What was she prattling on about now? I tried to listen but found it impossible to concentrate. I scanned the room and the expressions of my housemates. The six present in the room seemed to be about as bored as I was, with the exception of Meinhard who looked enthralled. Most were consuming their attentions with other things. Bastian, the reptile-like man sitting directly across from me, was fiddling with his friend's hair, commenting on its sandy color. Meinhard, ignored Bastian's repeated tugging at his hair and was simply grinning and urging Vesapian's rant on, giggling as she continued. Suddenly, her hard ebony gaze settled on my listless face and she snarled “PAY ATTENTION!”. My concise musing was broken beyond repair, so I looked up at her with a bored expression, hoping it was almost over, as she went back to rambling and muttering underneath her breath. Finally her assault on my fraying sanity ceased and she allowed us to trudge lifelessly out of the warm, crimson upholstered living area and out the mahogany doors. Velvet wouldn't have been my first choice for such a grand a room as that, but it made her happy, so it seemed all that less gaudy. Before I could get too far, Meinhard shoved a bag into my hands and ran cackling down the hall, chasing Bastian.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:54:24 -0600

Forum! Y u no leave my indents in place?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CallMeCordelia — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:34:06 -0600

Okay first thing that I notice is you tell me that we are in a desert, but nothing shows me that we are in a desert, is it hot cold windy? Why are his movements so difficult? the first sentence of the second paragraph you need to insert "he" and I don't think you need the had, ie.(He would not have to think of all those he left behind) Also the second paragraph is a little clunky with extra unneeded words. I think it would flow better if you trimmed down the sentences. I like the idea of the vultures following him and circling him, it shows us that he believes he is going to die and that he almost doesn't care anymore. I think you should replace "up ahead" with "above" in the third paragraph. If there is more than one vulture it should be "companions". The final sentence needs to be reworded I understand what you are trying to say, but it feels awkward. Overall you have some good imagery and I get a good sense of character. 2. I am going to guess that it is fantasy of course it could be sci-fi or adventure as well. 3. I would turn the page I hope this is helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Void-Auron — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:49:24 -0600

Mine: Jan’s wife was breathing soft with sleep when he slipped away. His bare feet padded through the doorway and he leaned out into the melting warmth. He was in the habit of looking out on his field before the day began. The rustle of grain, the comforting laughter of the stream near the house; all so still before everyone was up to disturb the calm. But this morning the quiet was eerie. Jan raised a hand to his ear in confusion. Even the tumble of the stream was muffled in the golden haze. It was like the fog had closed the house in, like they were the only ones left in a world of gold. The voice from behind him seemed all the louder for the quiet. “Jan? Have you seen Lukas?” His wife put a hand on his shoulder, brushing his foggy thoughts aside. “Lukas? Probably down by the stream, I’ll bring him up.” The words came as a murmur, hesitant to disturb the calm. He went out, running his fingers by shafts of drying wheat as he ambled down the path to the stream. “Lukas! Your mother’s looking for you.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:56:39 -0600

1. Critique? Very nice. I like the opening quite a bit. It's very relaxed, easy to drift into. I love that you spent time describing the clouds before you mentioned floating. It really drew me in. I also like the way you introduced the Flyhorns. They sound very charming and magical - sort of like travelling circuses and the wonder that follows them from town to town. I think you did a fantastic job with setting the tone for a fairly marvelous story. Now for the nitpicks: --'I once floated across the sky, something so immensely freeing I won't soon forget it.' I understand what you're trying to get across from the sentence, but, to me, it's not fitting quite properly. Your easy style seems suddenly interrupted, plus the word 'float' doesn't quite mix with the end of the sentence. Try playing with the sentence a little more, as it's obviously terribly important. -- I'm a little up in the air about the next few sentences - those describing the character as an outcast. It's the only part of the introduction that didn't really draw me in. For such an event, it was dealt with so nonchalantly, that the blurb almost feels 'thrown away'. It also interrupts the charm of that opening, and that charm is definitely worth saving. -I don't really understand the wings, but I want to. I want to know what they look like, how they work. Right now, the clearest picture I have of the wings is that of a child flapping their arms in the air and taking off, but then they would be called arms instead of wings, right? I want to understand the wings! (Oh, and you might try making this a separate paragraph.) Overall, I think it's really well done. I like the breezy pictures that you're creating, and the simple charm of it. With a bit of tweaking, I think it would be excellent! 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy - so far, I'm thinking an all ages type fantasy, but geared more towards a YA audience 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would definitely read some more. If the next page seemed as interesting as this, I would probably buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:30:29 -0600

Memory Number One "Mommy!" The screech sets my throat on fire, but I don't care. My mother. My own mother. She's all I have left. They can't take her. I won't let her do this. No. No. "No." It's as if my mother is reading my thoughts. "We've talked about this, Evol." Her voice is perfectly calm, at ease, almost reassuring. "In fact, I think it's time. They'll be here any minute now." "Mommy!" The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen. "What if you're not useful?" I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. "What if they...they..." I can't finish the sentence. I can't think it. I can't say it. No matter how much I believe it's what will happen. The deepest, darkest imaginings in the pitts of my black life will be here, arriving at the doorstep in just minutes. "Oh, don't worry. There'll be nothing to see. If they don't like my level of intelligence, they'll shun me away. They can't afford another death, Evol. The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left. They need me." All meaningless sentences, which we force ourselves to believe. "Then why can't I be out of hiding? Don't they want to know what I have to offer?" "Not until you're eighteen. Right now you still have a chance of growing, learning, existing." My mother, with her young age, bright green eyes, and even her prematurely graying blonde hair, will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living. Gone. "No, Mommy! I won't let them take you! Please, please no! Hide with me! Don't risk it. Don't do it." But my pleading is in vain. If they come here, they come knowing the house is not abandoned. That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death. If you run, they'll make it worse. If you attempt to conceal yourself, they'll announce the amount of blood there was on you when you died to your family. But if...if you come willingly, they'll go easy on you. Make it quick. They'll keep it quiet. Your family can then pretend that you were smart enough, that they took you to go live another life a ways away. I shudder involuntarily, remembering when I was seven and my mother had explained this to me, with my father's face buried in his hands, as we huddled around the fireplace. How dead her expression got, how she started to cry, rocking me in her arms. I had been frozen with indeciscion. When your leaders did not know which way to turn, you didn't either. So pretending is what we turn to. Let's just say they got away, believe it... But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets. But my mother? No. They can't do this to her. We've been out here, living like animals in the woods for so long. And now they've found us. All vulnerable and open from every angle in our small clearing. And they discovered Mommy. Old enough to take the test.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:31:08 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Vicky_Bolam — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:46:50 -0600

This is what my first page is right now, but it is actually in the middle of a scene of my first chapter(kind of like a flash forward as a prologue)-not sure if I will keep this as my intro, but would you keep reading if this was the first page? Thanks! Instinctively, I urged my horse towards John’s assailant. She obeyed despite the chaos of the battle, and with a thud I rammed his side. The man stumbled and whirled around, dropping his sword in the process. His eyes widened at seeing a woman as his opponent. Reaching up, he grabbed my left arm and jerked roughly, squeezing my wrist so hard I thought it would break. I gasped and let go of the reins. Smiling viciously, he began to drag me from my saddle. As I leaned away from him, frantic for an escape, I slipped my right hand into the slit of my riding habit. The next moments seemed to happen in slow motion. The sleeve of my dress ripping in the man’s hand....the smell of his breath close to my face as he pulled me towards him....then his eyes widening as my right hand, clutching my dagger, swung down. I closed my eyes as the dagger gained force, increased by my falling momentum. It struck, sinking into the man’s chest, his grip relaxing and sliding off of my arm. I continued to fall, unchecked and unable to stop myself, and hit the ground with a thud. I sat up, dizzy and in shock-my world had changed in an instant

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:49:54 -0600

1. Critique It's really improving! I think this version draws me in much quicker, it adds some details that catch my eye - like fatal rash and gestapo. It makes me curious as to what is going on. I do think you are on the right track. A few things: - The dialogue about the colors is really wooden. I realize that the colors are important, but you're stressing their 'unusual' nature to the point that it falls flat. I think letting it happen more naturally might be better at first - just simply saying red and yellow, and then go into the hues' richness later on. Let the reader become aware of how special these colors are later, and instead opt for building more suspense in the introduction. - Vincent seems more annoyed than concerned. 'The gestapo is less than a kilometer away!' - that's a pretty graphic statement, and one that should send chills down the reader's spine; but it's not. There's more 'hmmm, I wonder what this is about?' than 'Oh no! This is bad!' - The bit about Laken's charm is a little confusing. It's not confusing is that he has a paintbrush similar to Renee's. That's fine. But, that he no longer held a charm? At first, I thought his charm disappeared (that it went back and forth between Renee's hand and his), but it turns out that his changed into a paintbrush, too? Am I right? Again, how the charm mutates may be better left for later, when you can explain it in more detail without getting in the way of danger-building. I would rather hear about what they need to escape from - at least for now. Again, I think you are definitely on the right track. This version is much, much more intriguing than the first one! It lends a much better feel for both setting and characters. My biggest suggestion would be to use this intro to build up more suspense, and save the pendantics of the charm and the paint for later. Right now, just hook me! 2. Genre and Age Group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or Turn the Page? - The idea's intriguing; I am interested. As for buying it, I'm not sure yet. Your intro's still in the works, but I could definitely see myself wanting to read further down to find out what's going on. 4. Grade C+ - but for your immense work on this A++ ... And I know'll you'll get the kinks out :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:47:21 -0600

Tomasso was awake – again – his lithe body tossing like a restless storm. The sleepless nights had begun a year ago. Last two months they had far outnumbered the peaceful. Tomasso had welcomed them at first; hoping that the dark circles under his blue eyes would detract attention form the obvious. But no matter how little he slept, Tomasso knew that it wasn't little enough. No visible sign of sleep-deprivation would fool them at this stage. Everyone in the village was already too aware, to close to discover his secret. Even his dearest friend, Perlita, who had braced herself in the longest -- with the willpower of a very headstrong Italian woman -- had finally narrowed her eyes in suspicion. It was time to move on, before the tittle-tattle turned from suspicious whispers in the dark to full-blown accusations in the open. The secret could not under any circumstances come out. God knew what would happen if it left the village. Only one thing was absolutely sure: Lui would know where to find him, and he would without doubt pay a visit. The man had made it seem so easy, moving from place to place, pulling the trigger, never becoming attached.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Labyrinth Rose — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:59:53 -0600

1. Critique? I really, REALLY like this! I love that you're not told outright what the secret is; it's basically forcing you to read more. And the fact that Tomasso's closest friend is even suspicious is like, "Whoa, this is a big deal, you want to read more about this." [Is not the best at describing why I like things] And the line "The man had made it seem so easy, moving from place to place, pulling the trigger, never becoming attached." Very ominous; very intriguing. 2. Genre and age group? Oh, gosh, I'm the worst with genres. I'm sorry; I really don't know. As for age group, well, I'm fourteen and I love it, but it's not like a YA novel. Say... 16+? I don't... know.. . 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it. Buy it /now./ 4. Grade? (Letter System) A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:18:43 -0600

1.Critique? I think that the action would benefit from being tighter. Get rid of unessesary words and actions that don't futher the scene. Ex. "I slipped my right hand into the slit of my riding habit" could be "I reached for my dagger." I'm not a fan of "The next moments seemed to happen in slowmotion"... I feel that its used so often in novels, but even though I've had both a gun pulled at me, been pushed to the ground by a rowdy guy and been in a car accident, I have never experienced it as going in slow motion.. Who knows, maybe that's just me.. Another thing I would try to avoid is to have the assailiant's eyes beeing too vivid. If I atact someone (bing a girl and all) and their eyes widened, I wouldn't so much think that he was surpriced at me being a woman, as at the fact that he was being attact. Genders apart, he was rammed by a horse (or by "I"?). 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy. YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither at the moment. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C/B- (due to the pace and some "unrealistic" narrating.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Vicky_Bolam — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:27:29 -0600

Thank you for the critique! I am thinking about not starting with this section, as it is a not very representative of my whole novel. I was unsure about the slowmotion part as well-kind of cliche but it worked for nano :) Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:28:27 -0600

1.Critique? I kind of like this, and I'm definately worried about Lukas! There are some, for me, awkward wording. "breathing soft with sleep" "laughter of the stream" "all so still before everyone was up to disturb the calm" I would suggest trying to use as instead of like whenever it fits. "It was as if the fog had closed in the house, as if they were the only ones left in a world of gold." 2. Genre and age group? Hmm... hard to say from this. I feel that the golden fog is a bit whatchamacallit.. paranormal.. but I will take a guess at horror! 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page definately. Need to see what happened with Lukas. But I wouldn't buy the book unless the language improved. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:31:29 -0600

Wow! Thank you so much =). I'll sell you a unedited copy for a cent! Haha no just kidding. But I am looking for another beta-reader or two. NaNo-mail me if you're interested.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:36:32 -0600

When faced with the right light – specifically a bright, glittery morning beam shot down through pink and lavender clouds – the paint on the old yellow house atop Big Hill looked as it had all those years ago before it was forgotten. If one were to be even more particular, they would say the paint looked best in late March after a good snowfall had scrubbed away the dirt and flagging paint chips and the beginning of spring rain washed the sediment into the gutters of the nearby roadway. But even though the old yellow paint sometimes looked bright and cheery, little else about the house did. The grass went uncut. The swing set had collapsed into a pile of rust and black plastic swings, and the little wading pool had become a haven for various scientific molds and hyper squirrels. One tree bore the scar of a desperate lightning bolt trying to avoid a crash to earth, and another wore the telltale signs of weevils. In fact, the old forgotten yellow house atop Big Hill was considered an eyesore. Every year its forgottenment was suddenly remembered and someone on the town council brought up a motion to have it demolished and turned into a park.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:56:48 -0600

1. Critique? I must say that this is a bold beginning. A house... If I was standing in a book store, I would probably have stopped reading after the first paragraph to have a second look at the cover and the synopsis. I think it's all fine (and bold) to start with describing a house, but I would suggest that you work on making the sentences a little sharper. Especially the first paragraph. In the first sentence I think that it's the glitter and the shooting down, that distract me. For me morning light don't glitter, nor does it shot down since it's just crawling up over the horizon. And in the second sentence it may just be a comma problem and "the" infront of dirt.. 2. Genre and age group? Hmm.. it feels rather young.. 12-15. As for gener I'm guessing mainstream fiction. . 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the book around to see what the book is really about. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tchaikovsky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:02:59 -0600

By scrapping the last Emrys, do you mean just Emrys, or the last Merlin Emrys, totally? And thanks for commenting! :3

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:04:43 -0600

Oh, sorry. I'm not sure what happened there, when I pasted it into Word it said that it was only 200. Haha sorry. :(

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:09:40 -0600

Ah I see what you mean with the POV switch. It's funny that no one else who's read it so far hasn't pointed that out. I didn't even realize how abruptly. I'm not sure how to keep those thoughts while transitioning POV. Honestly I'm not sure how to write omniscient third person another way as I tend to like all of my characters motives and thoughts at my disposal. Hmm...I'll have to find a way to rewrite this because I like to integrate a lot more rather than block one section for this character and another section for this. -brainstorms- Any suggestions would help. I'm sorry about the sense of place. This is the end of a scene and I've already described the setting by this time. Thanks for your help. I will definitely be taking your suggestions and fixing up these paragraphs.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessClearwater — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:26:01 -0600

Its real Aussie. Some Adult Themes. * April was late. She ran the last few steps, her heels clanging loudly on the metal stairs as she reached forward to pull at the heavy door. It was locked. Her hand automatically flew over to the security keypad. 1-2-4-3 she typed quickly and pressed the ‘return’ button. She pulled the door open and stepped inside. “Oi, April,” came a hoarse voice, “It’s quarter past!” “Yeah, I know, Nic. Sorry.” she said, wheeling her suitcase around and leaning it against the wall. Nicole was bent over and naked in front of the full-length mirror in the dressing room, carefully inspecting her reflection. “You can’t see the tampon string, hey,” she asked, conversationally. April bent to have a look. “No, babe,” she said. “Looks fine.” “I’m going to need you out on the floor in about five,” said Nicole, “we’ve got three buck’s parties tonight and two of them want at least one blonde with implants. Your tats should be fine.” “Great,” said April, “I just have to fix my hair and get changed, I won’t take long.” “Love you babe.” Replied Nicole, straightening up and flicking her half-blond, half-brown hair back and turning to dig at her own luggage. April sat down at the nearest mirror and leaned over to unzip her suitcase, idily wondering where Sandra, the new manager of the stripclub was tonight. Since the old management had left, something to do with money, it was normal for Nicole to take charge on busy nights.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Imperatrix Xoco — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:53:44 -0600

All right, I'll have a go:    The dreams were back again. They were knotted in Mortimer’s hair, smeared on his ceiling, on the dawn-grey walls, between his sheets. They hummed behind his eyes, snapping and popping briefly as Mortimer blinked away sleep. Wincing at the aftertaste of another bad night’s sleep, Mortimer rolled upright. The clock read 6:57. Mortimer stared at the winking red letters, rubbing absently at the ache in his shoulder. His stomach twisted up. In the kitchen, Richard and the tea pot whistled tunelessly. Mortimer padded out of his bedroom, down the narrow neck of the apartment’s hallway. He arrived in the main room, which was an awkward conglomerate of kitchen, sitting room, and altar space resting on a patchwork of tile and rug. Richard, wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a robe, shut off the burner. “I did that thing again,” Mortimer said. Richard glanced at him, eyes narrow slits of blue. It was the same look Richard had given Mortimer when they were both seven, and Mortimer tried to convince him that he had a red automobile in his bedroom. “I think you’re just trying to pull a practical joke, and this was the best you could come up with. I also think it’s the crappiest, least practical practical joke I’ve ever seen. You want some tea?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BRuth — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:07:16 -0600

Tuesday, August 17 - The Desire Realm "Hi cherie pie. I missed you at yoga today. I’ll tell you what I missed: your humor, your mind, your belly, your breasts. Alors, I missed you in my bed this morning. Can we cyber tonight? I'm going to get you Skype and a video cam for a housewarming present. It's so much better. I have lots more to tell you, but maybe someone is there with you, hearing all this. Voice messages. Do you save mine?" I felt her voice in my clit and heart simultaneously. The French accent Simone will never rid herself of, no matter how long she's in the US, the laughter beneath her words, her pleasure in the danger of the flirt - I registered all that. In my heart, guilt twanged its dissonance. I have a lover, I can't be getting phone messages like this. Lila and I don't live together, it's not that I'm worried she'll discover this extremely indiscreet message. But we don't have an open relationship. We don't have sex. That's an exaggeration, but true enough.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sophieneveu — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:19:21 -0600

Thank you! I have been working on editing actually! I am probably rewriting. When I started this story, i started with an idea for a comedy about how she gets her guy but in the end, it turned into something totally different! Thanks so much! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sophieneveu — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:27:35 -0600

“Soph! You got a date for prom yet? Jake just asked me out!” my best friend Cassie, chipered beside me. Cassie never stops talking all day- She is like a ball of sunshine or maybe the sun itself. She has energy overload and a pocketful of happiness. There is no way in hell you can't smile when you're with Cassie. She is amazingly beautiful as well! She has golden hair and a slender shapely body. Trust me, I do not know of a single guy that hasn’t fell for her. She even won the Miss Black Creek for the past five years! "Nah! I haven’t”, I said kicking a piece of paper on the floor. At that moment I realized that all these years during prom, when I was still a junior, I've been helping out backstage with the decoration committee and teachers. This is my one year of prom on my own. This year, I had no way of escaping from the dreaded dancing I avoided every year. I picked up the paper I was kicking around when Mr. Moseby, the principal stared at me and walked out of school with Cassie trailing me. That's what i got so far but i think i would edit it more. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Xavan — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:00:02 -0600

It's a little less than 200 words, but this is the Prologue! Little President By Jordan Thornquest Prologue. Victory is a twofold phenomenon, an evocative emotion, and a statement of the momentous happening. It's an elation within, where the heart wells up and leaps out of your burning, broken chest; it's a ground-shaking apparent fact that all others recognize and don't dare to argue. Bleeding hands. Heaving lungs. A tangled mess of man, with hair ravaged and blurred, sputtering vision. A man, with a hand held up, defiantly pounding away the opposition to the last breath, a breath that hangs in the air in a frozen second. One man held a tattered, bullet-torn smattering of red, blue, and little white stars to his chest. It was a dark and stormy night. And it was finally over.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhatsForDinner — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:21:30 -0600

1. I, too, am picking up a lot on the humor of this excerpt. The ukulele image is funny, but the last two sentences are funnier still. If you are intending a more "serious" examination of mental imbalance, the tone may be off. For my taste, though, I love the humor in it, and would hope you could carry it through, as it does draw me in. I also am someone who appreciates humor even in the serious. If you can pull it off, I like it a lot. For me, these paragraphs create mood more than character. They do intrigue me. The first sentence of your second paragraph is a bit rough. It makes me puzzle a bit to parse things, in a way which tends to pull me out of the story a bit. Also, it seems to shift tone a bit between these two paragraphs. 2. I can't really tell from the excerpt about genre. A more serious treatment of mental problems feels like literary fiction, but the tone is lighter. It doesn't feel like straight-up comedy, but it leans that way. With the mention of the sister, it could be YA, but I'm not sure yet. 3. Turn the page, read the back, maybe buy the book. 4. B -- Some real strengths in tone and unexpected imagery, but an unpolished sentence and a shift in tone between the two paragraphs detract a bit. Very much worth working on.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:58:35 -0600

Critique: I love the first phrase, and then you lose me. I understand evocative emotion, but momentous happening ...is that supposed to be the same or opposite. Just rephrase it, I know you don't want to give away what is happening, but try not to use the word happening. Occasion? Maybe. Love the second sentence. That gives me far more that the first and it's more powerful. That first sentence should be more profound than the second. (and don't dare to argue) I don't feel like it needs to be there. Just "all others recognize." works great. Sputtering just doesn't work for me, I would leave it out right there. It makes the sentence lopsided, one adjective for his hair but two for his vision. Maybe add one for his hair. Is the man's hand up or pounding? If the competition is over ...then held up in victory, right? So the rest of the sentence happened before he raised his hand in victory. Absolutely love the last part of the sentence ...don't understand it in context. The rest is excellent. Got the red, white and blue ...flag probably. Although you need to say what he's holding, I know it's tattered and bullet torn. But ...this begs for a noun, a piece of silk, cloth, what? You don't have to identify it as a flag, I just need to know what he's holding. Love that you used a cliche and yet it still works. This reminds me of The Hunger Games, although I don't feel the YA here. It definitely has a Dystopian feel to it, too early to tell if it's sci-fi or not. I would definitely turn the page and keep reading. This is generally how long it takes for me to either get bored and put it down or take it to the register. B Cheers.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:17:54 -0600

Arcadia People use 'forever' to mean a whole host of different concepts and ideas. When they get married, it's there in the vows ...'I will love you forever' or until I decide my skank of a secretary puts out better. It's there at the beginning of many lives when parents coo at tiny, wrinkled babies and promise to watch over them forever. It also seems to find its way into the end of life. 'I'll always be with you' or something equally as useless to those left behind. God promises us forever, so does Satan, and every other religion in between. I wonder now, driving along a bumpy, dusty, gritty dirt road, in the middle of fucking nowhere, surrounded by 25 eerily silent inmates with a shotgun aimed at my chest, if anyone can possibly understand the full scope of forever. Probably not.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:39:34 -0600

Thanks for your feedback, it's very helpful. I have been so worked up on getting the nature of the charm and colors across, but you're right, I really shouldn't be worrying about that in the prologue. Thanks for getting me to see that!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:00:13 -0600

1. Critique When I read the second sentence, I sort of expected another funny "it's there in...or until..." kind of structure. I think the character is having a sort of stream of consciousness dialogue here, but for some reason the second and third sentence didn't go well together for me. I'm not sure what you mean by your fourth and fifth sentences...but I think you're going back and talking about marriage? It's confusing for me. :/ I liked the last paragraph though - it gives me more concrete feelings about setting and what the character's words might actually mean. 2. Genre and age: Hard to say...I feel like your hinting at forever lends to some kind of fantasy. Given the language, an adult group? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd probably keep reading to try and figure stuff out, but if I continued questioning what the character meant...I'd get frustrated and put it down. 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:00:58 -0600

And I really need to get better about pushing reply directly under someone's post when they're the last on the page. Sorry about that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:08:34 -0600

I honestly did not get that...I guess I'm slow, lol. Ellipsis definitely would help me on that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 04:48:45 -0600

Hm, okay, it's definitely an improvement, but there are some strange things left: 1- "The sleepless nights had begun a year ago." -This sentence is unintentionally funny to me. If your character hasn't slept for a year, how is he still alive? Hopefully this is like an intermittent problem... :D 2. "Last two months they had far outnumbered the peaceful" should be something more like "In the last two months, the sleepless nights had far outnumbered the peaceful ones." 3- More grammar corrections- "too close to discovering his secret." Perlita had "braced herself the longest." I'm also not sure if dashes are appropriate here, maybe commas would be better. "Lui knew where to find him now, and would no doubt pay a visit." 4- Who is the man in the last paragraph? Seems very unclear to me. Good job on the revision though, a lot of things are clearer now. Even the names are starting to grow on me. ;)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Void-Auron — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 04:56:21 -0600

1. Critique? A good solid beginning, we can definitely see where this is going to lead us. Most of my issues with it were with word choice and grammar, these are finicky things that NaNo novels always need fixing. There seem to be an overwhelming number of adjectives especially in the second sentence. I might split the sentence after "neck ring" and choose whether he fact the air is brisk, early or morning air is most important. Because I assume you need to keep the adjectives describing the neck ring, it seems to be an important part of your story, it might seem less overwhelming if there wasn't already an abundance of adjectives in the sentence. I have a hard time believing the enemy soldiers call themselves the Markirkiens. It's most likely the repetition of the 'ki' bit. Could they be called Markirkes, Makirs, Makirkans or some such? I'm horrible at thinking up nationalities, sorry. If they believe the silver is cursed, why were they willing to touch it to pry out the emerald eyes? "Here, Aspen, you will need this," is great once you put the comma in after Aspen. I think there is usually an apostrophe in wind-swept. The sentence that begins 'smiling weakly, she...' uses a whole lot of adverbs and uses the word 'try' twice. I might rewrite it as "Smiling weakly, she hands me a water-bag and I try to smile back, but I'm still anxiously pulling at the straps on my gathering basket in an attempt to settle the weight." But only you know which of those adverbs are most important. The only other thing is in the last line of dialogue you could use a comma and then include 'she whispers.' in the same sentence. Like "...lead you home," she whispers. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy young-adult, unless this turns out to be a dream scene. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably turn the page, just to see what the Makirks were going to do with their captives. A march of some sort, if she needs to bring water with her?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:54:40 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 06:14:02 -0600

1. Critique? I love this. I thought it flowed nicely, actually. I love the tone of your writing and it actually reminds me a little of a Dresden File, which immediately puts you in a position of strength for me. Gah, I'm a sucker for cynical narrators and it's got the kind of dark humour that completely sells a novel for me. I think the two paragraphs fit together very well and the last sentence makes a huge impact. I can't pick at your grammar and really, I don't see any other problems with this. 2. Genre and Age? Hmm, this is harder. I'm going to say it's action/thriller type thing and it is for adult audiences. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I can absolutely see me buying this. I don't think I'd wait to read any more before leaving the bookstore having blown some money. 4. Grade? A (you need to interpret that as an A+ but for some reason I'm reluctant to be too over the top with my praise)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 06:25:06 -0600

Thank you so much! In my eyes you're now my personal two-hundred-first-word coach! I agree that there's still a bit strange things there.. and I also used the name Tomasso three times in the first paragraph without even thinking twice to change at least one of them to "he." "The man is Lui.. It sould also be cleared up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Soverywrite — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 07:36:31 -0600

1. Critique: I like the way you immediately drop the reader into a battle, with the narrator fighting for her life. The scene has action, while providing a character for me to connect with, the woman fighting for her life. This makes me want to know more. Who is fighting, and why? The narrator is concerned about John's welfare, telling she has some connection with him. John could be the narrator's relative, or a romantic interest. I like that the focus stays on the narrator's fight -- in the moment, rather than trying to explain why she is concerned about John. Beginning the first paragraph with the word "instinctively" distracts me from the narrative. I'm pulled out of the moment. I wonder about the source of the instinct. Is it born from her having been in similar situations before, or is she making a romantic gesture (trying to aid a man she cares for)? Perhaps, there is another reason. I think the sentence reads better if the word "instinctively" is dropped. I can learn why she urged her horse towards John's assailant later in the story. The usage of the pronoun "he" in the second sentence is confusing. I'm fairly certain that the "he" is John's assailant, but I had to re-read the sentence a couple of times to be certain. POV continuity: "His eyes widened at seeing a woman as his opponent." This sentence causes the POV to switch from first person (the woman), to either the man's POV, or an omniscient narrator. There is no way the woman can know the precise reason why the man's eyes widened without him saying anything. Perhaps writing that the man's expression changes from one of anger, to one of cunning, or disrespect, for example, implying that once he focused on her, he did not view her as a threat. I do not like the first sentence of the second paragraph, the "slow motion" reference. The wording is cliche. More importantly, the sentence dulls and slows all of the fast pacing, and dynamic emotion, which follows. The man's reaction to seeing the narrator coming at him with a dagger doesn't ring true. If he had enough time to see the dagger coming at him, he had enough time to do something other than stare at it, because at this point I'm thinking that this man has been in fights before. I can believe that the narrator successfully stabs the man, though. The ending, "my world had changed in an instant" is provocative, but I'm not sure what caused the change. The scene is about her fighting with, and killing, a man, but I don't know enough about her to understand why this changes her life. 2. Genre and age group? Genre: historical fiction, fantasy, romance The age group could be adult or teen. 3. Buy it or turn the page? If it is fantasy, I would definitely turn the page, and continue reading. I would possibly buy the book, unless the focus of the story is romance.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 07:53:44 -0600

I was no longer my father’s son. Unable to believe what had happened, I stared up at the man who had just a few moments ago been my father. The Emperor, the King of Kings, ruler of all the lands, from the icy wastes in the north to the endless jungles in the south. My neck felt too light, too empty, and my eyes flickered to the heavy torque in his hand, the torque that now had never been mine. It had never sat around my neck, never been a symbol of my status as Heir to the Throne. From the table, I could feel the spitefully delighted gazes of those who never had been my brothers and sisters. The smells from the platters on said table wafted over me and reminded me all too keenly that I hadn’t eaten since this morning. “Do you understand?” The use of the abjective ‘you’, calling me a thing rather than a person, felt strange to me, as if he were talking to someone else and not me. But it also made perfectly clear my new position in life. Throwing myself to the floor as befitted a nobody when faced with someone as important as the Emperor, I nodded. “Speak up.” “Yes, oh Lawful One. It is understood.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TeeVee — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:18:45 -0600

Thanks so much for the critique :D It is hard to understand the wings at the moment but I do describe them more later in the chapter, it's just outwith the 200 word restriction :) I'll definitely take what you've said into account and try to tweak it so it flows better. Thanks again! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 09:57:23 -0600

Thank you very much :) I agree with you about the light description. I've been a bit worried about the picture that it created, so I'm happy that it got pointed out. Thank you for reading!!!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:29:50 -0600

I was forced to begin the story with detailing the Royal Condition, an important plot point. The blurb I posted was the first Royal Condition. The result of the first condition are not overly important to the story, but I wanted to give an example to the reader and show that the firstborn didn't always get the throne. Since this is kingdom history, I'd say it's not giving away anything. Thanks for the critique! Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to explain anything, but I was given a C! I had to comment!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tricket — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:32:00 -0600

1. Critique? (Check your question marks in some of the dialogue.) I think you give a fairly solid feel for the business that these girls are in, as well as sort of a seediness to location and the story in general. The metal stairs, etc., and the dialogue flows surprisingly well. While the subject matter isn't really my cup of tea, you approach the dialogue in such a casual manner that it sort of takes away from the *gasp, shock* that one could easily elicit in the reader. When I read it, it seemed quite natural, and you get a gold star for that. You also give a good feel for the characters and their personalities from the outset. My nitpics: You say that April is late, but nothing she does speaks to that. She's not really flustered, or worried that she now has only five minutes to get ready. And, is the keypad code really important? It's a little strange to see it there, but if it's a clue or a theme or something important, keep it. If it's just there for realism's sake, however, you may consider leaving it out. A code is something I woud expect to show up again. Also, where is the suitcase in all of this? - "Her hand automatically flew over to the security keypad." - This keypad is incredibly fitting and creates a wonderful setting - a keypad and metal stairs. It definitely adds some tension to the location, but 'automatically flew over to' just seems a touch clunky. - 'three buck's parties' - I'm assuming this is the equivalant of a stag party? Or a bachelor party? The possessive here throws me off and makes me doubt that. (I know, lingo is different everywhere, so bucks in Australia may indeed have possessives :) ) - I do like how you gave April a description without taking the time to describe her. - Time - Five minutes to change and fix hair. This... This rings a little strange to me. I, myself, don't do anything with my hair but comb it and pull it back - but doing all of this and changing my clothes takes a bit longer than five minutes. Yet, April seems rather confident? She's definitely not flustered in the least, which considering that she's brought a suitcase with her, that leads me to wonder about how much in charge Nicole actually is. - "Since the old management had left, something to do with money, it was normal for Nicole to take charge on busy nights.' - A tad clumsy, though it can be fixed by replacing those commas with dashes, or a bit more attention to the middle clause. The idea of them leaving because of money is good - it lends even more to the seediness of it, so possibly the dashes would make it read better. 2. Genre and age group? Adult - possibly adult fiction, but for some reason I'm sensing mystery (and hoping that key code is a clue) 3. Buy it or turn the page? Neither - but not because of bad writing or a lack of compelling opening. It's simply just not my cup of tea. The opening, I'd say, is interesting enough to hook a reader. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Learned — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:54:07 -0600

CRITIQUE: I like the first sentence a lot. In general I like the structure of the first paragraph. The line with the brothers and sisters is great. I'm not sure about "never sat around my neck" though-- I like how his life has changed, but I wouldn't have the narrator go so far as to contradict physical fact (if he actually had worn the torque before). I don't have a very good sense of the character yet. I only know that he's hungry and surprised, and then recovers quickly. He seems very passive when he throws himself to the ground. I would like to know more about what he's thinking, and not just what he's doing. I'm inclined to empathize with the character because I feel bad for him, but I need a bit more guidance from you on how to do so. Is he angry or relieved to be stripped of his heritage? Does he love his father or not? The sentence starting with "The Emperor" is a fragment. You probably can't throw yourself to the floor and nod at the same time. The sentence explaining the use of the adjective felt a bit clunky to me. I like how you're building a universe with creative grammar, but I would let it flow naturally from the story instead of explaining it. GENRE AND AGE: Fantasy. Young adult, I'd guess. BUY IT OR TURN THE PAGE: Turn the page. I want to know what momentous event just occurred to strip him of his heritage. GRADE: B-. That would definitely go up with better characterization and grammar and maybe a few less adjectives.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:11:38 -0600

[Hah. The first two hundred words exactly!] Val hit the water about the time Marcin shouted, and he still hadn't pulled out the line by the time she surfaced, still only a few yards from the sloop but losing ground quickly. He seemed to be looking around to see if there was anyone else who could help her, instead. She gritted her teeth. "You could pretend you're not completely useless on deck!" she shouted. "You know where the lines are!" Gods knew one had been pulled out for him enough times -- Val was convinced the only reason Marcin was let anywhere near the waterfront was because they'd never hear the end of it if they left him behind. She spit out a mouthful of water, but the sloop was too far away to gauge his reaction or shout something else, so she started swimming after it before her muscles seized up from the cold. And it was freezing -- far too early in the spring to be in the water. At least the ship wasn't moving very quickly -- they didn't have the wind for it. She ought to be able to keep up for a few minutes. After a few yards, someone tossed a line out after all.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:21:46 -0600

1. I think your beginning is a little overwrought and flowery, especially in the first paragraph -- I don't know anything about the city, about the possibilities that are no more, or anything but the fact that it is predawn and your character has lost a necklace she's been wearing for awhile, but it feels like you're trying to impart a lot more, and I'm just not getting the mood. Perhaps straight description would work better than similes, here, like the first couple of lines of your second paragraph. I'm not sure I understand what you mean by the sentence "It should welcome back her stained soul as though it were purest light," perhaps because I don't know anything about the spirituality of this world and that doesn't convey it very well. On the other hand, your last paragraph does really grab me, both in description and in the questions it poses -- the dawn is vivid, and suddenly I know Irida is fleeing from something and wondering if it was the right decision. This feels like it's the beginning of your story, honestly, because it poses more of a sense of urgency than the more languid descriptions you start with. 2. Fantasy. Age group indeterminate right now. 3. I dunno that I'd but it. The last paragraph would be enough to make me turn the page, though, and I the rest of the scene would be the determining factor. 4. I'm not good at letter grades. Like I said, the beginning's a little overwrought but the ending is enough to make me flip the page. 8/10 or there about, I guess.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:28:21 -0600

1. I like the first three paragraphs, because they're rather intriguing, and I would continue reading out of a desire to know what kind of dreams they are. I also love the line about Richard and the tea pot both whistling tunelessly. I also like the description of Richard's look. I'm not sure about the pacing of the last four paragraphs, though -- it may feel more natural in context, but Mortimer's abruptness makes me feel the getting up and padding down to the kitchen either moves too quickly, or not quickly enough. 2. I'm thinking some variety of paranormal with a literary bent, aimed at an adult audience. 3. Definitely flipping the page. 4. A? I'm not good at letter grades.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nenya1985 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:25:23 -0600

Thanks for your comment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lalina2005 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:25:53 -0600

* I changed my story to include a prologue - posting now: ----------------------------------------------- Just one more turn of the screwdriver and it would be ready. He worked quickly, deftly. There wasn’t much time left until the evacuation team would clear out after dealing with the latest false alarm. Most of the tampered with packages he had planted himself in order to use this precious time to finalize his work. He’d taken great care to make sure each parcel had been found in the opposite warehouse, which gave him approximately two hours to work on his little project, from the time the building had been cleared out, to the time that the bomb squad allowed everyone to return to the facility. When the all clear was blared over the speakers he would hide in the men’s dressing rooms nearby and wait until it was less conspicuous for him to come out. So far no one had questioned him about his whereabouts, and he planned to keep it that way. Not that anyone would suspect him of foul play. After all, he was as meek as they came with his stooped shoulders, balding head and wrinkled skin. “Attention Southway employees. All is clear. I repeat, all is clear,” the mechanical voice echoed through the empty warehouse. With a last grim smile, he set the timer on the bomb and went to hide.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lalina2005 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:48:17 -0600

1. Critique? The first paragraph needs cleaning up a bit. I had a hard time figuring out who's head we were in - Val or Marcin's - and because the names are somewhat unisex that didn't help clear matters up. I think this part should be clarified a bit better. Besides that you get a good sense that Val is the more experienced of the two, perhaps she's trying to teach Marcin something or has taken him under her wing in a way. Can't tell the relationship of course but that I'm sure is explained later :)) The writing is mostly concise and the scene is easily imagined. 2. Genre and age group? I'd say maybe historical and YA? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:20:30 -0600

1. Critique? Me like! There are some phrases I would have done differently, and the four-lines-sentence in the second paragraph could perhaps be made into two or three sentences for easier reading ... but the message comes through clearly. So far I have no clear feeling for the man - who he is, if his motives makes him the protag or the antag ... but I guess that will soon change. 2. Genre and age group? Umm ... Adventure? Thriller? Adult, I think. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, definetly. Depending on backside text, I might buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) Somewhere between B and A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:34:21 -0600

I'm giving this a second try, since the last critique I got said I did not give enough of setting to ground the reader.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The wind rushing down through Dexoni stone quarry carried sand, dirt, and a promise of yet another duststorm before evening. Hot, and searing on exposed flesh, it brought no comfort to the slaves eating their midday meal under a cloth roof. The signal that ended the break sounded, early again. Akir rubbed grit out of his eyes, gulped down the last stale water and decided that he'd had enough. Breaks were supposed to be lengthened when the sand-days struck, but this year that hadn't happened. The foremen wouldn't take kindly to another round of complaints, no matter how well-worded, but someone had to do something before tempers ran too high and fools like Romeke got themselves killed for nothing. Akir sighed and got to his feet. A sense of urgency had been building in the quarry the last few months, and by now every small hitch in production made the foremen jumpy. Talking to them shouldn't be his task, but as his uncle refused to try again he had to try. The People were his responsability too. Almost at the beginning of the causeway, Akir overtook Romeke and nudged his arm. "I'll go with you", he said.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:39:21 -0600

Oh, sorry! That's just me being stupid. It clearly says "she". Sometimes I miss little things like that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mac21 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:40:21 -0600

It was dawn and the woods of Eldrin were silent but for the sounds of birds chirping and of a young girl’s ragged breath as she darted around trees, her feet pounding against the forest floor, crunching the leaves beneath her. It was these moments when Sam felt most at peace, with nothing but the trees and birds and rocks for company. She’d been coming here since before she could remember and knew it better than anywhere. Without looking she knew when to step over the gnarled roots that had spread over the trail like fingers and when to duck to avoid the lower branches. She came to a stop about a hundred meters from her house, at the edge of the forest. She looked at the cottage she and her mother had shared since she was born. She could see the blue shades on the window of her room, the garden her mother had planted and the large willow tree that hung over the house and that she would lay under in the summer heat. She could also see the window of the kitchen which looked out onto the forest and, through it, the shape of her mother, her blond hair and pale face almost disappearing into the white wall behind her.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:44:10 -0600

I just mentioned it because absurdist is what I would call Monty Python's style of comedy, and a sharpie addicted man who thinks his life is a musical sounds like a sketch they would do!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:25:29 -0600

Critique: I don't have much to complain about, here. Three small things: * "Hi cherie pie" is cute and would work out loud, or if I already knew that the speaker was meant to be French, but until I got to the word Alors I thought you'd just misspelled 'cherry'. I would suggest changing it, but I really do think it's cute. Isn't there normally an accent on the first e? Possibly there is and you have one in your manuscript but it didn't make the transfer to the forum. In that case I'd have realized I was reading French and it wouldn't be a problem :p * I think "in my heart and my clit" would flow better than "in my clit and heart". Maybe even "in my heart and in my clit". * There are several spots where you should have semi-colons. In the sentence beginning "The French accent...", your items should be divided by semi-colons because the first item in the list (the accent) contains a comma itself. So: "The French accent Simone would never rid herself of, no matter how long she's in the US; the laughter in her words; her pleasure in the danger of the flirt--I registered all that." Two sentences later, "I have a lover; I can't be getting phone messages like this", because "I have a lover" and "I can't be getting phone messages like this" are independent clauses. * The last four sentences need work. I had to re-read them a couple of times to figure out what was meant to be said. Possibly make "Lila and I don't live together" a sentence on its own. Then a sentence explaining that it's not that she's worried, although they don't have an open relationship. Then something qualifying the statement about sex, like "It's just that we don't have sex." Genre: Erotica, I'm guessing, but maybe romance or drama. Obviously adult. Buy etc: Lesbian relationship fiction isn't really my bag, so no, but not because the writing is bad. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:04:20 -0600

Okay, thank you. I'm actually less flowery normally, so I'll think about how I can tone it down. I need to get the necklace in this first bit but maybe I don't need to do it in the first paragraph. I'll definitely see about making the ether a little bit clearer. You're right, it's a bit fuzzy. I'm notorious for doing that, unfortunately. I've spent so long worldbuilding that I assume other people can pick up things I think are simple because I've obsessed over them for two months.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Vicky_Bolam — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:15:59 -0600

Thanks for the detailed breakdown of the sentences that caught your attention, and those that took you out of the scene. Pretty much everyone I have spoken with agrees that the slow motion in the second paragraph doesn't work. That is good though, because I didn't like it much either! I am glad you pointed out my POV change-that is something that I have issues with :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:45:31 -0600

(This isn't actually my NaNo, but it's the beginning of another story I'm working on.) -- Zane crawled over the charred ground using only his arms because he was forced to drag his limp and non-responsive legs behind him. Shards of glass, pieces of debris and bits of wood were buried deep into his skin, but he continued on, unwilling to give up so prematurely. He shut his left eye because the blood gushing from his forehead was ruining his vision. The hundreds of people who had lived in the village of Keilzon all their lives paid the price for his disrespect with their property and their blood. Almost everything was destroyed, and if it were not for the dear wish to see his family for the first time again in twelve years that spurring him on, the guilt of having caused everything purely because of his impudence would have forced him to crumple up on the spot and stop moving. However, after traversing some distance, the pain in Zane’s back finally triumphed over him and he collapsed for a moment. He had reached the spot where his old house used to stand, and there was nothing left behind except a small pile of rubble and what looked to be a few burnt bodies nearby. -- (I'm having trouble deciding if I should keep the parts about everything being destroyed because of him, because he actually mentions it later. Should I leave it in?)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Caelum.Tenebrae — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:53:20 -0600

I've never really critiqued anyone before, so sorry if this doesn't make much sense! :) CRITIQUE: It takes a lot to draw me into something that I haven't already been interested in. And you did it. Your first sentence is brilliant, it made me look back and re-read. The next words aren't *as* strong, to me, but the rest of the sentence and the paragraph is awesome. Your descriptions in the fourth sentence ("My neck felt too...) helps with the whole shock factor and brings the reader more into the story. I agree with Learned, the siblings bit is very good, it brings more of a sense of how his family is, and how great of impact this situation is. And, I also agree, the reader doesn't get much emotion out of the character. I suppose part of that reason is your character is shocked? But maybe adding some more thought or even physical movements that hint towards his emotion. There's a few jerky spots, that aren't necessarily smoothed into the part as a whole. But other than small edits like possibly experimenting with how you wrote certain sentences, I think the first 200 words are very well done! I'm a fail at grammar in my own writing so I'm not going to try and critique that, I'd probably tell you all the wrong stuff. Haha. But concept wise? I really like it. It's a great place to start, not overly confusing, but there is enough going on that makes the reader want to continue. It sets up the story without an info-dump, which is definitely a good thing. GENRE AND AGE: Fantasy! Probably young adult, but possibly could go really anywhere (Which is perfectly fine). BUY IT OR TURN THE PAGE? I would turn the page. If the next couple of pages keep me into the plot, I'd buy it. GRADE: Solid A. There's a few little things you could add to bring the reader in more, and keep them in (emotions to connect, smoothness to keep them in).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Stories by Carmen — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:00:30 -0600

1. I understand your desire for the flowery beginning to set the stage, but I found it ineffective. I would start with the necklace and the feeling of danger and panic from her, then ease into the descriptions to place the reader into the place after we have some idea of the reasons for her panic. I would definitely flip the page and possibly buy it. Genre? Mystery? intrigue?....not sure yet, maybe general fiction. I like what I read and I like that kind of story, so I would give it an A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lithle — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:55:24 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. On rereading, I'm discovering the tone is more consistent than I originally thought, so perhaps, despite my not really attempting to do so, I just wrote a novel with a sense of humor among all the magic and angst. That sentence is driving me crazy. I'll rewrite it when I start the rewrite, but you're correct. It's wretchedly awkward. Even as the author, I can't read it without stumbling.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BRuth — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:36:18 -0600

Thanks for readings and the grammatical help, especially. I originally had many of those clauses as full stop sentences, and in trying to distinguish between Simone's voice and the narrator's voice I tried to change that. I hadn't thought about sentences within a clause necessitating semi-colons, obviously they do! I would have put "imagine an accent over the initial "e" in "cherie", but was trying to go with "no explanation." The mc's name is Patricia Isabella - some people call her pi (can't seem to import Greek letters either), perhaps that should be known earlier than it currently is; various people in her life call her different things, this becomes a major problem for her & is important for the plot. Thanks again for the thoughtful critique, especially as it's not a direction that your reading takes you.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

E.Husher — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:49:14 -0600

A light was on upstairs, shining through the curtainless window. The wind tangled her hair, chasing her through the gate and up the broken tiled steps. While the chime of the doorbell rang through the hollow house, Lily Bryce waited. She was cupping her jacket sleeves when the door opened. An old woman leered out at her, eyes white with blindness, clawed hand groping at thin air. Lily gasped and stepped back, clutching at the strap of the rucksack that hung over her shoulder. ‘Damn it, Hez, don’t scare me like that.’ A deep laugh escaped from the old woman and her frame began to stretch, her crinkled curls shrinking back into her skull. A tall, thin man with silver hair cropped short now stood in the doorway. ‘Saw her under the bridge at the station today,’ he said. ‘Thought she’d be fun to use.’ A smile twitched on his face. Lily let out her breath. ‘Are you ready?’ Hezekiah’s smile disappeared and he nodded shortly. ‘Get in here, then.’ He left the door ajar and went down the hall.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

E.Husher — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:08:53 -0600

Hello! Firstly, I'm guessing this is Fantasy, and I'm going to assume YA too? So, a few critiques: "It was these moments.." Something's not quite right with that wording, but I can't put my finger on what it is. Maybe it's correct but it just sounds weird. I'm not sure! I almost want it to say "It were these moments", but I know that's not right either. It might be better to change it to something like "Sam felt most at peace in these moments, with nothing but the trees...". To me that sounds better, but it's just a personal opinion I guess. "She came to a stop about a hundred meters from her house, at the edge of the forest." What's at the edge of the forest? Sam, or the house? "the cottage she and her mother had shared since she was born..." I don't think that description is necessary. You've already mentioned how familiar the forest is to her, and from the rest of the description we can assume that the cottage is something Sam has also known for a very long time. Adding more description about the size of the garden could also indicate the passing of time. "She could also see the window of the kitchen" It's a long sentence and you've already written "she could see" above. I would reword it to vary your sentences a little more. Perhaps something like "Through the kitchen window, which looked out onto the forest, Sam could see the shape of her mother" or similar. Just a suggestion - it's better rewritten in your own writing style, of course :) Would I turn the page? Yes. Your last sentence gives the impression that her mother might not be in perfect health (if I'm wrong in that assumption, you might want to see if other people had that thought too, and change it), so I want to know why. Also, everything seems quite perfect and happy at the moment, so I want to find out what's going to change in the story. I think giving the name of the place is good, because now with just that tiny prompt I know I'm reading fantasy, so I can expect the rest of the chapter to set up more of the world. I guess that's not much but I hope it's helpful. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She Who Writes — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:34:39 -0600

I love Monty Python! Haha. :D Now that you mention it, it does sound like something they would do.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Stories by Carmen — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:55:14 -0600

That is a very dramatic beginning that grabs the reader by the throat. I agree with your thought that it would be better to take out the whole thing about everything being destroyed by him in the first paragraph. After you do that, I believe you can include the second paragraph as part of the first without any trouble. That whole sentence about how he destroyed everything seems to disrupt the continuity of his immediate extreme suffering. I would definitely turn the page and read more of this book Genre?...war Age: Probably adult as it's likely to have a lot of graphic details regarding killing Grade: definitely an A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:13:59 -0600

Just Emrys. So the last sentence would be: "but in truth was Merlin". :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:18:20 -0600

Maybe take out some of the exclamation points in the prose? I missed them the first time around, but... It's kinda like reading a TV ad.... It's like reading with too many question marks... Or elipses! :D It's better to use them sparingly.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheJazzPony — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:25:18 -0600

*Any tips for improvement appreciated!* “Beat that!” Mack said, as his stone struck barely an inch from tree knot. I picked up a rock, took aim and watched my stone fly. “Beaten,” I said as my stone hit dead center, “just face it Mack, you can’t beat me.” He scowled, trying to look angry, “maybe you can throw a rock, but I can get back to town faster than you,” he yelled over his shoulder already running off. “No fair!” I yelled back charging after him. We ran past the herd of cows, and across the field, leaping over the fence that separates the livestock from the town. As we turned off the main road I began to catch up with him. I put on a burst of speed trying to close the gap, but he reached my house before I could catch up with him. “I win! You said I couldn’t beat you and I just did!” He said. Now it was my turn to scowl. “Mack, you know I meant throwing, and it wasn’t even fair, you got a head start.” “I still beat you,” he said, “so there!” His smirk changed to an expression of concern as he pointed across the yard. “Man, seems like Finn is taking it pretty hard, huh Stormy?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:37:19 -0600

Thank you very much for your critique! It makes me happy. I actually just caught a grammar error myself, oops! (Posting this so others won't feel the need to point it out for me.) Should be: "Almost everything was destroyed, and if it were not for the dear wish to see his family for the first time again in twelve years spurring him on, the guilt of having caused everything purely because of his impudence would have forced him to crumple up on the spot and stop moving."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheJazzPony — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:39:10 -0600

Remember this is all in my opinion. I'm putting between * * my reaction as I read. Don't take it personally. A light was on upstairs, shining through the curtainless window. *Something like "a light shone upstairs through the curtainless window would be much more powerful IMO* The wind tangled her hair, chasing her through the gate and up the broken tiled steps. *It seems like her hair is chasing her, not the wind. It is a bit confusing* While the chime of the doorbell rang through the hollow house, Lily Bryce waited. *I find this sentence awkward. It just doesn't sit well and makes me go "huh?"* She was cupping her jacket sleeves when the door opened. *You can easily take out the "was" here, also what do you mean be cupping her jacket sleeves? Again, a "huh?" moment* An old woman leered out at her, eyes white with blindness, clawed hand groping at thin air. Lily gasped and stepped back, clutching at the strap of the rucksack that hung over her shoulder. *This whole section just reads awkwardly, I had to read it a couple times.* ‘Damn it, Hez, don’t scare me like that.’ *Who is speaking?"* A deep laugh escaped from the old woman and her frame began to stretch, her crinkled curls shrinking back into her skull. *this sentence also makes me scratch my head, however I do like the phrase "crinkled curls", but I don't understand how her frame can be stretching and her curls shrinking at the same time* A tall, thin man with silver hair cropped short now stood in the doorway. ‘Saw her under the bridge at the station today,’ he said. ‘Thought she’d be fun to use.’ A smile twitched on his face. Lily let out her breath. ‘Are you ready?’ Hezekiah’s smile disappeared and he nodded shortly. ‘Get in here, then.’ He left the door ajar and went down the hall. *The last few sentences make sense* Genre I'm guessing this is fiction for adults. I'm assuming Lily is going to have intercourse with Hezikiah. Possibly with some sort of love story. I'll say realistic fiction. I honestly would not buy this, and probably would not turn the page. I'd still be sitting there confused at why her hair is chasing her, and the old lady's hair is suddenly receding into her skull. I might turn the page just to see if it started to make any sense, but if the writing stayed this confusing, I'd give up and set the book down. grade C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:03:44 -0600

Thank you both =D I'll do my best to add a bit more insight into my MC's mind (though yes, he is mainly shocked). And I'll try to fit sentences better together, too. Possibly by reading it out loud when I'm alone at some point :p [The sentence explaining the use of the adjective] -- abjective (at least that's the passage I assume you were thinking of). "degrading, humiliating, or demoralizing". I really wish there was a word in English I could use instead, but I can't think of one. I suppose I could have put something like, "Does it understand?" but that would bring its own slew of trouble >.< The "never had been" thing is explained later on, actually, and is a part of their culture/religion. Again, thank you Learned and Caelum Tenebrae <3 You've helped a lot.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheJazzPony — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:29:34 -0600

Here's the start of my other novel-in-progress. She glared at the wrinkled photograph in her bed as she expertly pulled her blonde hair into a perfect pony tail. She would never forgive him for what he had done to her. She could still remember every painful detail. “Please Daddy,” she whimpered as she hugged her tabby kitten to her chest, “I don’t wanna.” “Mariah, I don’t have time for this,” he said sharply as he pried one of her hands off the kitten, “don’t you want to be special?” he asked, this time much more gentle. “No I don’t! I just want to be normal, and play with my friends,” she pleaded, tears beginning to flow. He quickly snapped back into shouting. “I don’t care! You’re coming with me,I have work to do,” he growled as he dragged her protesting behind him. I hate you Dr. Reginald William Davis. (italicized) “Please Daddy, please no,” she begged quietly as she cowered in the corner. He ignored as he continued preparing the syringe.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:02:35 -0600

Wow thank you so much! I was wondering how to fix it and I think you just did it. Thanks for the critique :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lucien Jay — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:47:19 -0600

1. Critique? The two main issues with this excerpt is that it appears to be lacking description and the grammar isn't very good. You also utilized "said" a few too many times. However, what I liked about it was that you at least established the MC's friend's personality in the opening scene. Example on what I mean in your first few sentences: "Beat that!” Mack said, as his stone struck barely an inch from tree knot. I picked up a rock, took aim and watched my stone fly. "Beaten,” I said as my stone hit dead center, “just face it Mack, you can’t beat me.” Should be something like: "Beat that!" Mack bellowed, his stone making its mark just an inch above the designated tree knot. I picked up a small (<- any descriptor here, really) rock, took aim, and watched my pebble fly toward its target. "Beaten," I said, right as my stone hit dead center. "Face it, Mack, you can't beat me." These are just suggestions, really, and even though I added a few words here and there I think the description should be built upon a bit more on the beginning and throughout the scene. I feel like you're just telling the bare bones of the story, and if I wanted to pick up a book to read for leisure I want the author to really show me how the world is like so I can imagine it clearly in my mind's eye. 2. Genre and age group? YA/Children's, maybe. Target age = teenagers? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd probably just keep reading to see what was bothering Finn (and check the back cover for the synopsis), but if the writing continued the way it did, I'm not sure I'd keep reading unless it improved. 4. Grade? D, I think.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:14:02 -0600

Re-posting, since I got nada last time. The flora and fauna were astounding. No longer bound by realistic biology, they had taken a sharp turn for the insane and nonsensical. Lambs sprung forth from plants, barely touching hoof to earth as they grazed on the grasses surrounding the plant. What appeared to be tentacles flowed easily from a flowers gaping maw, snapping out to gently ensnare passing insects, bring them down to its stamen and release them again once the pollination was complete. Most amazing was the appearance of a chimaera in our path. Part goat, part lion and part serpent, it was by far the most odd thing I had ever encountered. By what force was this creature created? What would ever influence a beast to do this to itself? I got my answer when I realized, it was purposely created. The rider on its back stepped down gracefully from his odd looking mount, only to cast an arrogant gaze our way, one that shifted quickly when he noticed Vesapian amongst our ranks. He loped up to us and smiled genuinely at Vesapian. "And how is the queen these days? It has to have been at least a decade since we last saw each other," he said, glaring at Bastian and Meinhard, clearly trying to drive them off.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:30:50 -0600

Are you a beginner? The format of this suggests it. First off, all the sentences in the first three sentences start with the exact same word. This should be avoided like the plague because boring sentence structure is the quickest way to lose potential readers. Second, when you start a new sentence, dialogue or no, you always end the previous one first. Example: Vesapian quirked an eyebrow as she made her way to the forefront of the writers mind. "She's being weird again," Vesapian thought, peering out of the box she was being carried in. "Must be using me for an example of some kind..." Third, the adjectives are a little wonky. "[...] as she expertly pulled her blond hair into a perfect pony tail [...]" This is the sentence that stood out the most in terms of adjective abuse. The whole thing is a bit wordy (of course that may just be me...) and could be divided into two sentences, but there only should be two adjectives to describe one thing, as a general rule of thumb. Either the word expert or perfect should be deleted, as using both is a bit superfluous. Fourth, your description and grammar needs work but only in a few places like " 'I don’t care! You’re coming with me,I have work to do,' he growled as he dragged her protesting behind him." There should be a space between the second I and the comma. (the quotation marks were fine; stacked quotation marks scare me so I replaced a set with apostrophes.) All in all, this sounds like a promising story, it just needs some work.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:56:52 -0600

1. Critique? This is the bit where I confuse you thoroughly by telling you something different to your other review :) I'd actually warn you against using too many descriptive words. If it gets too flowery, it's hard to read. You should have about 20% description/world building/explanation (I didn't make that up, an editor told me that). Yours could do with a little bit of fleshing out but I wouldn't chuck in 'fancy' words just for the sake of it. Don't use any words you don't understand properly, or you'll look sillier than if you use very simple words. You want your prose to flow nicely and too many descriptive words will clog it up. Let us know where we are and why we're there but try and do it without large info-dumps etc. Personally, I wouldn't use words other than 'said' too often either. Yes, you should use them but said should be the prominent word. That seems to be a mistake that a lot of new writers make. There isn't anything wrong with the word said and to be honest, I've never read a book where characters did more whispering/shouting/bellowing/screeching than saying. A little variance is nice but it isn't really a word you notice overly much when you're caught up in a story. I actually didn't think you used it over much. The grammar could be improved and yeah, I think you could probably mess around with sentence structure and patterning etc a bit to make it better. For a first draft, I don't think this is too bad though. One suggestion (and I'm sorry, I broke the rules of the thread by looking at your profile) is that if you're writing fanfiction, make use of the world you've got. All of the worldbuilding/description has already been done for you. You should use them a little bit more. And coincidentally, I actually have deviated from my regular reading to read the Hunger Games. Let us know which district we're in and what it's like. Suzanne Collins describes whatever district I forget they live in fairly early on, doesn't she? Maybe add in a couple of sentences about what they're running through etc. Let us know if there's a big broken electric fence or a forest or if they're in the farming one, the fishing one or whatever one there might be. That is all re-write stuff and to be honest, I wouldn't be too concerned. If you've written multiple novels before/are a college student +, yeah maybe you should be a little bit more concerned about that kind of thing. Apart from that, you're probably somewhere around where you're meant to be. Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about that kind of thing for fanfic anyway because you can't do a whole lot with it. I take that as license to have plot holes and bad grammar. As long as you're enjoying writing it, I don't see that a whole lot else matters. 2. Genre and Age Group? Which I won't answer because I cheated. 3. Buy it or Turn the Page? Well, I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with it but I probably wouldn't turn the page because I'm not a fanfic fan. If it were original fiction, I'd probably read on a little though (really it isn't anything to do with you as a writer but rather me as a reader, so please, please don't let my reading habits bother you). 4. Grade B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

forceofnature — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:34:09 -0600

To be honest I'm not much of a writer but, this. ^ I really agree with the lack of description thing, because of that the read-over is pretty dull.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

forceofnature — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:41:21 -0600

1. Critique? No, you are awesome. This is awesome, keep doing whatever you're doing. I'm digging it. I wish I had more to say. This is the best thing I've read in this thread. How you were ignored before is beyond me. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page? This is a really awesome insert. I would definitely buy a copy of this if I found it in a story. It really pulls you in. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

forceofnature — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:44:00 -0600

*story-store Why is there no edit button? There should be an edit button.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:07:10 -0600

1. Critique? I found this a little bit confusing. I had to reread it several times to understand that he destroyed the city (?) I didn't find it very clear what happened. Your description is nice but I think your narrative is getting a little bit lost in it. By all means, keep it but perhaps you could fiddle it a little bit so the description is part of the story rather than the story being part of the description? Maybe have another look at sentence structure when you do your edit. The last sentence in your first paragraph is a little bit run on and difficult to follow. You can probably re-jig word order in a couple of sentences that were a little bit clunky. The first one could probably use a little bit of a touch-up, although apart from rearranging the words a little bit, I'd leave it basically as is. I don't know, it feels like you're trying a little bit too hard? For me, there are a couple of flourishy words like 'traverse' where there doesn't really seem to be a call for them. That is 100% an author decision of course but it isn't quite gelling for me. I think that unless there is a reason for placing an 'unusual' word in a spot, then you probably shouldn't put it there. The rest of the writing in this excerpt uses much more simple language, so it stood out a little. I agree with Stories by Carmen that it is a dramatic beginning -- I just don't think I got from it what you want me to get from it. It is written nicely though. I think it's all there, it just needs a little bit of a tidy up and it'll take good to great. I do like the fact that it's such a grabbing opening scene. There's none of that 'waiting for the story to start' feeling, you've just jumped right in. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good stuff in there. In all honesty, I'm nitpicking a fair bit more than I normally would because it seems like you're at a point where it's useful to you. Basically, your writing is good enough to make a lot better, so please don't think I'm getting stuck into you, because that's really not what I'm trying to do. 2. Genre? It sounds like fantasy to me. But most things sound like fantasy to me. It's either older YA or adult fiction. 3. Grade? B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:11:54 -0600

I think you guys need to be a little bit sensitive to age. This is very, very good.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:28:19 -0600

I'm really sorry. This was meant to be an A-.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:13:51 -0600

“I am either the world’s greatest fool or Apera’s greatest hero. I suspect I am a mix of both,” No answer. Irida moved a finger to trace the silver pendant around her neck. Paused. That familiar weight was gone. That chain had hung around her throat for so long that she now felt naked without it. Naked and alone. It was an unpleasant combination and yet somehow the maelstrom of powerful emotions she had weathered recently made her hollow. There was nothing left of her to feel this new pain. That was good, because it left her with some measure of peace for her quiet reflection. One thought hung large and ugly at the forefront of her mind – had she made the right decision? She lifted her face to the sky, Ether, watch me and only me this night. The clouds swirled like curls of molten ore and the silent morning held its breath, as though it knew what was to come. The wind that caressed her skin and cooled her blood whispered tauntingly of unspoken secrets and unfulfilled possibilities. “Your temptations cannot sway me,” she told the day softly, “My path is chosen, the hard road past. All I must do now is walk forward,”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 06:43:14 -0600

1. Does the yellow have some sort of significance here? You state that it's pure. I'm assuming that there is a valid reason that you may have chosen yellow? 2. This is still not grabbing my interest at all. I'm normally fine with seeing things start slow, even a few slow-paced, slightly irrelevant sentences, but there has to be some sort of draw going on. Yours doesn't have a draw. 3. This is ungodly repetitious. Think of other words besides 'painting' and 'brush'. As a result of overuse of these words, this doesn't flow well at all. GRADE: D (65/100) PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: Put back on shelf GENRE: Historical Fantasy

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 06:59:09 -0600

1. Critique? i agree with TheJazzPony about the sentence about the wind. It would be made clearer if you changed "chasing" to "and chased", since that better implies that we're still talking about the wind. I assume that you mean she's folding her arms, hands on elbows, sort of? Why? For warmth? Because she's bored? It would be good to add some more depth to it. Me personally, i find the bit "clawed hand groping at thin air" a little... undramatic. Where is she groping? (And now I'm starting to think the sexual kind of groping, which makes it weird, but that's just my brain.) I'd like to see something more to indicate she's seemingly trying to grab Lily. If that's what she's doing. To me, it was never a question of "who's talking?" It's possible it could be made clearer by adding a speech tag (and possibly some emotive description, like for example ['Damn it, Hez,' she said, her heart still in her throat. 'Don't scare me like that.']), but I don't really see the need for it. After all, we know that the MC is named Lily, so most likely it's not directed at her unless the blind lady thinks she's someone named Hez. Besides, the person being creepy/frightening is the old lady. i think that if you had intended for the lady/Hezekiah to say that, you would already have added a speech tag for that. I also have no problem with understand that the woman is transforming into Hezekiah (or the opposite way around, that Hezekiah is turning back into himself), but then again I'm used to various kinds of fantasy. It wasn't, however, until my second re-reading that I caught on to the deep laugh. It seems completely at odds with the body of an old woman. I might consider rephrasing it to either add some reflection on Lily's part that the laughter doesn't seem to fit, or (if you're planning on having Hez's voice change when he shifts to someone else) having it begin as a cackle, deepening into a hearty laugh (or something like that) as her frame begins to stretch. The bit about the hair could be a second sentence, something like "Her crinkled curls shrank back into her skull, and soon [or "a few moments later"] a tall, thin man..." I'm more confused by the dialogue at the end. It doesn't make sense to me that Lily isn't commenting on Hezekiah's annoying sense of humour, and is suddenly asking if he's ready. A lot of character building can be done here by either chewing him out about it or just adding something like "Lily sighed, but wouldn't let his joke get to her. 'Are you ready?' she asked instead, trying to get him back to the important stuff." You can also add a lot more depth to what she thinks about him there by changing the wording. Idiotic joke/prank, or something to that point would inform the reader that she doesn't always approve of him or that their senses of humour are incompatible, while another word choice would indicate other opinions. Then in addition to that, Hezekiah's answer doesn't make sense at all. I would more expect a "get in here, then" from someone who'd asked if the other was ready. I'd probably have changed it to something like, 'Let's get it on with.' instead. Or just drop the "then" altogether. That word makes the phrase dependent on the answer to a question previously asked and is what makes it sound odd. Over-all, the story does intrigue me, and I would like to know what's going on. I also like Hezekiah's shapeshifting ability, but would like some more implication about how it works. I know he can "appropriate" other shapes just by seeing them, but does he actually change his body or is it just some sort of illusion? If he actually changes, I like that he doesn't seem to have any second thoughts about changing gender, and it makes me wonder what that says about his sexuality. It need not come up during the entire book, of course, but it could be something to consider (if you haven't already). Is he the type who'd change into the body of a really hot woman just to fondle him/herself or would he consider changing into a woman and enjoy sex with a man? Or anything else that fits him as a person. He seems like a guy who likes to pull jokes on people, and might therefore drop a line/hint about what he'd do just to see the other person's reaction. (Perhaps he'd be more likely to change into a hot woman, chat some guy up and then in the bedroom change to either himself or that blind woman XD Depending on how important it is to keep his ability secret.) 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy, most likely Urban Fantasy. Age group could go anywhere from here. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd read on a little to see at least what they're planning to do (a heist? some arcane ritual? Unless the story had dropped its hold of me by then, I might buy it. (But I'm poor, and therefore very selective about what books I end up buying, so consider me a very picky reader ^_~) 4. Grade? 3.5 out of 5.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:05:12 -0600

*cough* forgot the ending parenthesis after "arcane ritual?" Sorry. *kicks the lack of edit button*

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lalina2005 — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:18:31 -0600

Thank you :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:19:57 -0600

The world will never know. you aren't the only one that is irked by the lack of an edit button.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:15:06 -0600

1. Critique: This is good. You have established a good sense of a friendly rivalry between the two characters. There is also an awareness that all is not fun and games. Another critic pointed out that you used the word 'said' too often. Not true. The word 'said' cannot be overused. Sometimes you can get bogged down trying to find the right synonym for 'said' when 'said' would have worked just fine. 2. Genre: I'm guessing that the characters are either pre-teens or are in their early teens making this either MG or YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Definitely turn the page. I'd like to know more before deciding to buy it. 4. Grade: A - it isn't perfect. but it is good.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:29:30 -0600

1. Critique: Interesting. It reads smoothly. The phrase "at the edge of the forest" is misplaced. However little things like that you will probably catch when you start revising the manuscript. 2. Genre: Fantasy - based on the place name MG or YA - based on the phrase "young girl" 3. Buy or turn the page: Turn the page. I need to read more before making a decision on buying. 4. Grade: A- . It may not be perfect, but it's a good start.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:41:19 -0600

1. Critigue: It needs editing. Work on sentence structure, punctuation, etc. Could you give her a name in the first paragraph? You have a nice hook. Something unpleasant has happened. That will keep me going to the next page. 2. Genre: Could be fantasy or SciFi YA or maybe MG 3. Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page. I need to know more before deciding to buy it. 4. B- It needs editing, but it has good potential.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

wonderwendy — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:43:02 -0600

1. Critique Love the first paragraph. The first paragraph is an A plus. The start of the second paragraph threw me "Most amazing was the appearance..." What? Don't tell me its amazing, or even give its name, all you need to do is say "part goat, part lion and part serpent" and you can even add "like a chimera from ancient myth" or what not. "I got my answer when I realized, it was purposely created." Kind of an awkward sentence that adds nothing. You don't need the comma. I get what you're trying to do here, but perhaps reword it. "With a start I realized it was purposely created." Wait, no, that doesn't work either :P. Maybe add the realization later to give a little bit of mystery/ show the rider's character early on. Also there are a lot of names and not much description. Perhaps "drive her companions away," and describe both the rider and Vesapian before getting into what Bastian and Meinhard are doing (unless one of them is an MC, in which case, ignore this part of the critique). As cliched as this advice is is, you need a little less telling and a little more showing. 2. Genre and age group? Science Fiction/ Fantasy, at least YA. 3. Buy or turn the page? It's much better than anything I write at the moment, but no. A good blurb/ recommendation from a friend might make me continue. 4. Grade? B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmilyWingedWarrior — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:12:38 -0600

Crash. A split second was all it took for the amber colored liquid and it's crystal glass partner to come crashing to the floor. The putrid scent of the alcohol washed over the man who was seated in the tall, black leather, wing back chair. A scowl stretched over his pale mouth and his grey eyes narrowed as the liquid sank into the pants that he wore. "I'm so sorry, Sir!" The apology came from the soft lips of a short woman with a long mane of thick chestnut hair. Instantly, she pulled out a white cloth and immediately stretched out her arm for him to take the cloth from her hand. "Thank you, Elizabeth." His voice was heavily accented and when his dark eyes met with her bright eyes, he offered her a friendly smile. "Will you get Archer here another drink, please? And don't look so panicked, I have more pairs of pants at home, don't worry my dear, I was simply caught by surprise at your clumsiness." The last statement was slightly offensive, but it was also something that Elizabeth was quite used to. He was quite used to his wife-to-be accidentally interrupting an important conversation, although the man seated across from him had yet to describe the situation that had him so worried.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmilyWingedWarrior — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:20:39 -0600

You did a wonderful job. I always find it harder to critique a work that catches my attention. 1.I liked the slower pace, I didn't think that it was too slow or too fast, but just right. Your descriptions are excellent and I believe that descriptions are fundamental in order for you to get your reader to understand what's going on. I think the first sentence could be changed slightly in order to make it grab the reader by the back of the shirt and yank them into your novel, but I understand that the first sentence is like holy ground :) 2. Genre and age group? Possibly Adventure/Thriller Meant for adults 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

smickdon — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:27:32 -0600

Her life, Charlotte momentarily decided, was like a ghost story. No beginning, she thought as she traced a line of charcoal, and no origins of truth, only the scary and odd phrases that seemed to stick in the listener’s mind as they thought it over. Adding a smudge to the girl’s hair, Charlotte stepped back and examined her work. The woman was turned to the side, her strong nose upturned at the end, her long eyelashes framing her delicate pupils. She blew on the paper, expelling tiny specks of charcoal dust. A good ghost story leaves the reader wondering, Charlotte continued thinking as she touched up the lace detail on the woman’s collar. It leaves the reader wanting more. Only the storyteller knew the real truth; they could decide to leave things out, spin the web so it sucks the listener in. Only the storyteller knew the real skeletons in the closet. The truth was, Charlotte pondered, leaning on the edge of her desk and letting the charcoal drop from her fingers, that her own story was blurred around the edges. “Beautiful,” said a voice from behind her. Charlotte started and turned to see her art teacher eyeing her drawing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:11:45 -0600

My take on this is different from everyone else's, so I'll add my piece. Number of capital "M"s: 4 Number of "Mack": 3 Numer of "beat": 4 I have been going through my manuscript and trying to take as many proper names out as possible. It's jarring to the reader, and if it doesn't make the passage confusing, it's better to take them out. "trying to look angry" - what exactly is he doing with his body here? You need to be careful, since Stormy can't read Mack's mind. "already running off" - you could cut this "You said I couldn't beat you and I just did" - This and the following two lines are narrating what just happened last paragraph. I read that paragraph, so I already know they have a rivalry and that Mack cheated, so they don't add much for me. Is there something else they could say that would communicate more about the setting, plot, or backstories, while still sounding realistic? This reads like Middle Grade lit I would turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:28:05 -0600

I like the narrative link you make between the pendant and the thought that "hung large ad ugly" I like a lot of these images, too. The clouds are right on. You do a great job thrusting me into a definitely adult fantasy. This is also really well written. That said, I don't really know what's going on. She's outside. Is she alone? Is there somebody else? Who is she expecting to answer? When I started reading, I thought that somebody said the first line to Irida, and she wasn't answering, but by the end, I'm still not sure whether she is alone or not. Good: you've given enough background for me to be way interested in what's going on. I know the world is called Apera, and there's a supernatural god/force called Ether, and you didn't exposition dump either. Not as good: She's standing around outside (alone?). Not the most exciting first scene in a fantasy setting. While what's going on in her head is well written and interesting, I think it would be even better to just tell the reader what the "new pain" is right off the bat, or at least the stakes that are involved. Is the amulet like a horcrux/one ring? Does she think she is going to die? Kill somebody? What is the decision she made? She's thinking about it, so now is a great time to tell the reader. That way, I can relate to her problems right away, instead of just feeling like I'm being left out of an inside joke. Would definitely turn the page. Probably buy, actually. I like your writing lots.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:55:20 -0600

Because they switched from Drupal to Ruby on Rails and haven't gotten it in the changes yet. Or in a more facetious way: 'cause it's the spirit of true Nanowrimo--you can no longer edit. Though if you get the ghosts of Nanowrimo past, present and future to visit the programmers, maybe it will be done this year rather than next year. (Which is *not* an invitation to stalk them.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:58:09 -0600

I like it. I don't necessarily know what the plot is, but if this were a book I was interested in I would have already read the blurb on the back, so that doesn't bother me. This sounds like Steampunk, like she's about to jump off a cliff and go flying somehow. I like the feel of this; she's made a hard decision, it sounds like, and she's still struggling with the implications of that. I would definitely read more.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:02:08 -0600

I like this excerpt. It's really nice. Adult fantasy. I hate the first sentence. I think you could put an "I" in there and introduce the MC that much earlier. By the end of this excerpt, I know that your world is way cool, and that your writing is unusual, in a good way, but I know nothing about your MC. So far, it seems like he/she is being a bit of a passive lead, an Arthur Dent. I personally would like to relate with the main character from page one, but maybe that's because I read more YA, so I expect a strong voice. The last paragraph is also a bit confusing -- not only do I not know what gender, age, or for that matter, species the main character is, I don't know who Vasapian, Bastian, or Meinhard are. I don't know whether to imagine humans, chimeras, or what, since this world is so definitely not populated with regular earth-stuff. Would turn the page. Not sure if buy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Angelynx — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:32:13 -0600

OK, let me start by saying I'd certainly read more of this. I'd like to know why these people are in this predicament. The clipped, hurried tone of the passage is good for the situation, though i'm hoping the whole book isn't written this way. Now then: "They can't take her. I won't let her do this." I liked this because right away it shows that (a) they aren't in hiding and terrified to be found; the mother is prepared to be found and won't resist, and (b) what will happen when she's found is something that her daughter thinks she may not return from. Good terse storytelling. So is "What if you're not useful?" It's such an odd word choice at a time like this that it catches your attention, because you think automatically of totalitarian language, propaganda, "we must consider which citizens are the most useful". Same with "They'll just shun me away." Again, you can tell this is terminology from the world of the story. "The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen." This is the kind of sentence i think a lot of us will be cropping now that we're not aiming for maximum word count. =) In a passage so tense, all you need is "The sobs punish me for allowing it to happen." (Why punish herself? does she think she should try harder to stop her mother?) ==Same with "--will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living. Gone." I think I get what you're aiming at, that her head is spinning with panic, but maybe "--will be gone. Nowhere on this earth, not living, gone." Or something like that. ==Same with "That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death." Really, with everything from the note you quote after this, just "That's why we got the note." is enough. =="I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. " I don't think you need this at all. It's too detached and self conscious. =="I had been frozen with indeciscion." An awfully flat word given her parents' emotional reactions. Confusion, maybe? Typos: Pits, not pitts. Indecision, not indeciscion. "The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left." I know you're trying to explain to the reader, but this is something they both know too well, and I doubt it would be said this way at this time. Maybe "You know there aren't many of us left" ? Also: so Evol ("love", I like that)'s mom is repeating something she doesn't believe when she says she'll just be shunned, not killed, if she fails? I would stress that with the focus on her rather than in Evol's voice, so that you know she's trying to comfort her daughter but knows she has no chance. Mention her tone of voice, the tension in her face or eyes. "She repeats the meaningless sentences flatly, as if forcing herself to believe them," or something like that, but build some sympathy for her. She's the one they're coming for, after all. OK, this is the only point at which I was actually confused: "But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets." Up to here I had the impression that some sort of plague or something had reduced human intellect and the government/ruling body tested all citizens at a certain age to make sure they were of enough intelligence to be "useful". But people are becoming scarce (people, or just useful ones). Yet they'll still kill you if you prove troublesome? Is that even if you pass the test? Or maybe I have it wrong and they're testing for a specific ability, a psychic power or something, so they have to be sure you're tractable as well as gifted? I hope this isn't harsh. I really am interested in this story and would be turning the page if it were here. Good luck, I hope I've helped. Age group--Young adult. Genre--SF/drama. Buy it or turn the page--Turn the page, but might buy it later.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ohthatmomagain — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:08:30 -0600

1. Critique? I loved the description! You made it flow so well. I could see it, smell it, and feel it. 2. Genre and age group? I'm guessing adult... for some reason, I'm thinking mystery. But the alcohol might be what made me think that... 3. Buy it or turn the page? I would definitely turn the page. If it continued like the first, I would definitely buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ohthatmomagain — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:11:26 -0600

1. Critique? I thought it was very intriguing. It made me want to know more about what was going on, who she was drawing a picture of, etc. As a beginning of a story, I thought it grabbed the reader's attention. I saw a few grammatical errors, but other than that, I liked it 2. Genre and age group? I'm guessing YA... Paranormal maybe? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd definitely turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ohthatmomagain — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:14:48 -0600

“Are we there yet?” “Seriously,” David Andrews laughed from the driver’s seat of the 15-seater van. “Are we two?” “Apparently Sid is,” said a male voice, most likely Sid's unexpected guest Asher, somewhere behind him. David smiled and kept his eyes on the road. Their destination inched closer as the van traveled through the cool early morning. David had been driving ever since they had left Grant, Georgia around ten o’clock the night before. Susan Drake, the van’s shotgun rider, had offered several times to drive while he slept, but David had declined each one. Truth be told, he was too excited to sleep. The trip represented the first of its kind at Grant Gospel Church, and it’s new youth director. Grant, Georgia’s red light at Willow Avenue and Jefferson allowed it to avoid the distinction of being called a “One Light Town”… but just barely. The town’s claim to fame consisted of a former U.S. congressman as a native son, and the smallest ‘Super Wal-mart’ on the planet. Four churches called Grant home, Grant Gospel being the biggest with fifty-five on the membership roll. Ten of them were in the church van with David cruising toward a weekend of hiking and fun in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

forceofnature — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:45:22 -0600

Opinions are opinions, man.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:47:28 -0600

No one? Oh, well, I'll try again - later.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:49:28 -0600

YA. I like how you establish Charlotte's voice and personality right away. It's really great. I've heard that's the first thing agents look for. Critique-y part: Number of "Charlotte": 4 "only the storyteller knew": 2 in a row Does the art teacher try to seduce her? If yes, good foreshadowing. If no, "eyeing" implies it, whether it's the painting or her that he's eyeing. What makes me worry, and this is one of my pet peeves, is that you, through Charlotte, is talking about what makes a good ghost story at the beginning of, I assume, a paranormal YA novel -- a ghost story. (I want to say "Why YES Charlotte, you're in a ghost story!!") It's maybe leaning on a fourth wall a little too much. I see that Charlotte is comparing herself to a ghost story, and I think it works in this case, but if something like this were to continue as a major theme throughout the story, it would definitely bug me. Some authors, I'm not saying you, might later use these little manifestos to "toot their own horn" so to speak. (Subtext: look, this story matches the previous description of good ghost story) If a literary agent has this pet peeve, this, as an opening page would be a major gamble. I would recommend taking that part out or putting it later in the book. Also, very closely reconsider if she keeps mulling over her existence as a story-character. (I've seen this pulled off very well, where the MC actually finds out she IS in fact in a book, but I don't think that's where you're going with this.) Brainwave: what if she compared her life to a charcoal painting instead? That would relate more to the action in the scene and get rid of that shaky fourth wall issue. "blurred at the edges" would fit really well with that analogy too.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

leurz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:27:57 -0600

I like how you set the scene -- smallest Super Wal Mart got a chuckle out of me. Critique: David count: 6 Capital "D" : 7 Capital "G": 6 Capital "A": 6 (Three lines of dialogue in a row start with A) I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the proper names, full names, names of people and places. Since Nano is over, its probably best to cull as much proper name-age as humanly possible. Readers need processing time to associate a name with a character. From what I've gathered, Sid and Asher are...youth...but I don't know the age of Susan or who she is. Upon first reading, I thought this was post-apocalyptic fiction since I thought my first clue to why they're driving was "shotgun." Maybe some extra description of Susan, other than the fact that she's in the front seat would be helpful. I think more description of the people - Sid, Asher, Susan, in general would be in order. Genre: Adult...mystery? I get the feeling based on your fact-heavy narrative (Grant Gospel has fifty-five...fifty-five suspects. Her name was Susan Drake, not just Susan. This guy clings to details...will it be important later? I'd better take notes.) Maybe someone will be murdered and David will solve the mystery. Or I could go with the actual plot clues and this will the one man's trials and tribulations with faith and leadership. Adult Contemporary Fiction then. Oh wait. They're going camping. Maybe they'll get lost, and it will be a survival story! Actually, I would like to hear about the camping trip FIRST THING. They're not going to Grant at all. They're going camping. Oh wow. *rereads* Yeah, there's no need to be mysterious about "their destination." I'd like to just know what's going on. You can talk about the town when they get home....if they make it home...bwahahahaha. Turn the page: I wouldn't. Partly because of the proper noun thing, and partly because I would like to read a story about a youth group getting lost in the woods, or even just dealing with mosquito invasions, but I would have totally missed that that is what's going on.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TwilightSparkle — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:32:24 -0600

I grimace and double over, making him suddenly panic. Goodwin firmly grips both of my shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes and asks, “Are you okay? Cyrus, are you alright?” I nod weakly. But he just gives me that look of, ‘you are such a liar it’s not even funny.’ “Fine.” I groan as sharp pain hits my abdomen again. “I think my water broke.” “All of it? Now? Here?” He says, his voice rising an octave. “We’re screwed!” “Goodwin, shut up!” I hiss. “Why? Will I scare the baby?!?” He asks, anxious. I slap him across the face. “NO. It’s going to take a long time for me to get this human out of my womb, okay? We’ll be out of here in no time, and if you get me panicking, I swear to God I will kill you and leave your body dangling in the elevator shaft forever, got it?” I snarl in his face, bringing it close to my own. “Now call for some freaking help.” “Help? Help. HELP!” He says, fumbling for his phone, patting down himself everywhere. A confused, annoyed expression creeps into his face, before being taken by storm by a look of pure self frustration. “Raven took my phone to play Angry Birds during the funeral!” MEANWHILE... Raven giggles as she swipes the slingshot, sending a little red bird flying into a wooden structure with green piggies inside. Ah, this game was awesome! “Where did Cyrus and Goodwin go?” Boss Lady asks. “Hell if I know. Did you try--THREE STARS! YES!” Raven turns back to the iPhone and does a happy dance.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kayth — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:53:14 -0600

This felt a little too abrupt, and I'm not entirely sure what's going on. Maybe add an opening parg to set the scene, then continue at a slightly slower pace so we can get to know the characters (especially their relationship with each other) before whatever happens next. There are also a few adjectives that could be cut to help it flow better. I'm sorry to say that the second half lost me completely. Who are Heiss and Sara, whats the District tower, and what do they mean when they talk about terminal velocity?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Angelynx — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:00:07 -0600

(re: that last: is Evol trying to say that if she interfered with her mom's being taken, she'd be killed, and that's why she has to stay in hiding during the "procedure"? If so, the "if you" is kind of misleading. "If I get in the way" would make it more clear that the one in danger of being killed isn't necessarily the one undergoing the process.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SwiftstarDawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:14:45 -0600

Hahaha, this was definitely entertaining! I'd be especially interested to find out what happens to Cyrus and the baby. What a time to not have a cell phone! Grammar-wise, the only thing is that you don't need to capitalize words after dialogue unless it's the start of another sentence. For example, with ""All of it? Now? Here?" He says, his voice rising an octave..." the "he" that is describing Goodwin doesn't need to be capitalized. An example of when you definitely do capitalize would be the last paragraph. If, instead of "Raven," you said "she," then you would capitalize it because Raven has finished a sentence within her dialogue that carries over into the descriptive part of the sentence. Also, in the third paragraph, you don't need a comma after "that look of" because it's a continuation of the first part of the sentence. Character-wise things are nice and sharp, even given the shortness of the excerpt- it's easy to tell that Cyrus is a sarcastic woman who seems to "wear the pants" in her relationship with Goodwin, a sort of Woobie-esque, well-meaning guy who doesn't have the slightest idea of what to do with a wife/girlfriend/etc. in labor. The mention of "Boss Lady" is interesting. Does Raven just call her that because she doesn't know her name, or is that her actual name within the book? I would definitely turn the page to find out. One question that I had was Raven's age. If she's old enough to have dialogue like "Hell if I know," but young enough to be playing Angry Birds during a funeral, she seems to be a fairly juvenile character. This may very well be, and it could just be tricky to tell with what we have to work with here, but I would beware age-behavior discrepancies. They can sneak up on you! Genre: I'm going to say it might be something realistic fiction-esque- urban fantasy? It depends on who the funeral is for, and the circumstances in which they died. This could easily be a slice-of-life story about a family, or a fantastic story about people who hunt ghosts or something! Leading me to my next thing: Yes, I'd turn the page! The whole water-breaking thing is always a good hook, and I want to know more about Raven and Boss Lady, and why the latter is referred to as such. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SwiftstarDawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:17:09 -0600

This is the first 216 words of my NaNovel! :) Sorry about the missing italics because of the forums...they make it more interesting. “How are we today, Miss Baxter?” The doctor looks up from my considerable file, apprehensive. He’s probably expecting a biting remark, or at least a vicious scowl. Instead, tired, I raise my head and force an emotionless smile. “Fine.” Startled by my lack of emotion, he drops a paper to the floor, scrambling to pick it up. I sit back against the cold metal of the chair, biting my lip. This is all so tedious, so unnecessary. I’m not even an officer at Base anymore. What are they doing, trying to get me in for treatment? I really, truly am fine. “Ah,” the doctor says, finally getting his things back together. “Yes. Right, then.” He pushes his thinning black hair out of his face, and I suddenly find myself trying to envision someone like him in Rellon. What level did he live on? It couldn’t have been too low down, or he would’ve had some common sense about him. Did he have a family? A wife, kids, who would greet him when he came home? A house that, instead of just growing cold in the winter, like the mockeries of houses we have built, spit steam out onto the streets, stayed warm through the walls, the chimneys, the floors? Did any of that survive the Fall?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TwilightSparkle — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:22:11 -0600

Boss Lady is called that because nobody is entirely sure what her name is. Raven is somewhere between 18 and 20. Thanks for the critique! I've always done dialogue weird with saying who the speaker is, and I keep meaning to change it, and then keep not doing it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SwiftstarDawn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:44:33 -0600

No problem! I read your synopsis- sounds interesting :) good luck with your novel!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

E.Husher — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:07:03 -0600

Thanks heaps. It was good to know that two people found the transformation paragraph a little confusing, so I've already added more description to that. I liked what you said about his shapeshifiting, the whole sexuality thing had crossed my mind a little bit, but it would be good to round that out for his characterization. Interesting that you both found the wind sentence confusing. I'd already asked a couple of people about that and no one else had found it difficult to understand. I guess I'll have to ask around a few more times, or just change the sentence all together.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rukia23 — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:50:53 -0600

I waited patiently—as patiently as I could anyway—while the Saburo Tech people were filming me and scribbling notes every so often. I drummed my fingers on the table and gave a low sigh; I had only been sitting for a few minutes yet they seemed to find me so fascinating, having already filled out an entire page with notes (I knew this because one of the workers flipped a page and continued to write). “Perfect,” I heard one of them murmur. I swear I heard someone say that word, and it made me feel uneasy rather than content. They all looked at me in a way I didn’t care for. I wanted Marshall to speak to me but he remained silent; I refused to be the one to speak first since I was tired of being shot down every time I tried to initiate conversation with the bastard. I understood his frustration and his initial anger with me, I understood that he despised the position he was in, detested the fact that he now had to bust his ass to protect some stranger or else he’d die. But still.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:58:16 -0600

Ambling down the path, March holds an arm out in front of Mae and April. "See that one?" At first, April can't even tell where the Martian is pointing- but switching to infrared vision, she makes out the outline of the dingiest ship in the entire lot, heat bouncing off of its rough carapace. "You don't mean that one, do you?" she says, clearly unimpressed. "Of course I mean that one, silly," March replies. "I doubt the guards will even notice if I do this-" and silently padding over to the tiny craft, March bends down over a wing. Straining slightly, March manages to pop the cover off of a small section of the wing-piece. "So where'd you learnt to do that, then? Not in military school, right?" Mae says triumphantly. "One more clue to your mysterious origins," she continues, drawing out the "mysterious" until it no longer sounds spooky, just comical. Looking closely at a thick, green wire, March huffs. "I could have learned at military school- we did a whole unit on enemy transport sabotage. For all you know, I'm a master." "And for some reason, I highly doubt that you learned to disable a civilian security interface in a children’s military school."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:35:19 -0600

Thanks for the advice! Yes, I think he probably needs to have a little more time to do this, despite the fact that he's really a phenomenal shot. :) And that sentence does seem confusing, but it's clearer in the context of the book, because he is actually running, and eventually ends up in the lab. This is a scene more toward the end of the book, so the reader would know what's going on, though I should probably re-write that for more clarity. :) Interesting how you classified it as a thriller. It's actually science fiction, with kind of an older teenager/adult focus. To be fair, though, you only had one clue to that- the needle. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:38:39 -0600

Sweet, a buyer! :D Thanks for the positive review. I think I'll actually expand it a little more (without re-posting, as it's already too long), just because I think it would be more dramatic to be inside that mind for a longer period of time. Haha and the first sentence is like holy ground. By this point though, the reader should be well hooked into the novel, as this is towards the end. I thought of making it the beginning, but it would be difficult to tie back and contextualize. :) The genre is actually sci-fi, which is another reason it might not be a good idea to put this as the opening scene- the reader isn't presented fairly with what to expect. ;) Thanks so much for the critique! It was really helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmilyWingedWarrior — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 20:38:35 -0600

Thank you! I really appreciate the critique :) And yes, it's a mystery.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

JessClearwater — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:30:13 -0600

Cheers! I used to work as a dancer which is why I chose this location, I'm really not trying to glamorise it, it's just a job after all. So I am glad that's coming through! Most professional dancers in Australia bring suitcases to work rather than backpacks and duffel bags. It's not advisable to leave any of your crap in your locker overnight so it turns out to be a whole lot of stuff to lug around. I should probably explain that though. This is my issue, the scene I'm painting is pretty normal to me so I don't know what I need to explain or not explain. Interesting about the apostrophe in Buck's. I think it's right the way it is because it is a party for the Buck or stag, but we call them a Buck here (I never used to remember their names so I always called them Mr. Buck at work). So Mister Buck has a Buck's Party because the party is for Mister Buck. I think? Thanks again, totally copied your critique down for when I get to the editing phase. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

smickdon — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:48:05 -0600

Thanks for the insight! It's a bummer it's only 200 words — if it carried on she would explain more how she is comparing her own life to a ghost story, and it ties in with the novel as a whole because there are supernatural themes and she contemplates madness for a while.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:49:30 -0600

Thank you both very much for the critique :) I think you're right leurz about it being unclear who she's with. I'll patch that up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writerwithasword — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:25:02 -0600

(I know this is a little late to the party but I saw something that set off my inner editor; and he's been waiting to be unleashed). Critique: The major thing I caught: the cornfield not far off from Topeka, Kansas. I live and have driven near and through Topeka. The region in the northeast corner usually isn't farming country; it's cattle. Oh yes, we do have farms in that corner but they're mostly around smaller cities: Manhattan, Emporia, Riley, Wamego, Salina. I've only ever seen ranches and cattle land near Topeka. Not farms. Not fields of wheat, corn, various other crops. For me, reading that disconnected me from the story. Instead of immersing myself, I thought "Corn? Near Topeka? Have they ever even been there?" I'm not saying that a cornfield DOESN'T exist near Topeka; I'm saying that it's far more likely to land in the midst of a ranch. Your readers, if they live in that area, will nitpick this every time. Especially if you use a real city. Know your readers, know the land. That said, I do like the set up you've given. Breaking up the sentences into smaller ones or at least including semi-colons to help make the sentences manageable would make it even better. The second paragraph confuses me quite a bit. I have no idea what exactly is going on, other than a bus arriving. I'm not sure if I should care or not about a 15 year old alien, aside from the sympathy evoked by the abandonment story. The sentences are a bit convoluted, especially: "Unfortunately for a particularly un-terrestrial 15 year old girl, these thoughts are quickly replaced by the moaning and groaning of a star-bus, which, from the sky, rapidly approaches the launch pad where she and her peers are situated." Again, restructuring or breaking it into smaller sentences would help clarify. Genre and age group: Sci-Fi, Young Adult. Buy or continue: Not really. I usually don't have time to really sit and read when I visit bookstores so if a book doesn't grab my attention and hold onto it in the first page, I likely will set it back on the shelf and not give it a second thought. The sentence structure also puts me off quite a bit and tells me that reading it would be a challenge. Grade: C. Lots of potential. Lots of good thought behind it. Needs more research and clearer sentences.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fuzz — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:39:08 -0600

Well if ever there was a wholly inappropriate response to something, that was it. One very strong opinion of mine is that if you don't have the correct context/knowledge to judge a type of writing, then you don't really have any business posting a critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:56:19 -0600

It's not that I didn't understand what you intend with the wind sentence, as the context makes it clear enough, it's more that I can see how it could be easy to misinterpret it and think it would be clearer if you phrased it somewhat differently =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:29:20 -0600

I saw a swift flick of his arm and I felt a sharp pain. I looked down and saw the handle of a knife protruding from my chest. It’s hard to believe now, but I almost laughed when noticed that as my heart continued to beat, the knife made funny little bouncing motions. But with each bounce, I knew life draining out of me. I slumped onto the floor and then fell over onto my back. My eyes remained open and I saw the thing come towards me. I felt the pressure as it put its foot on my chest and then another quick pain as it reached down and pulled the knife back out. “I don’t know what people have been telling you,” said the creature. “But you don’t know as much as you think you do.” I lay on the floor waiting for the end to come. I had failed, but I was unwilling to accept that fact. I knew that I was dying. I had been stabbed in the heart. But approaching death brought no fear or regret – only peace. I closed my eyes, yet strangely, I could still see. I saw above me the hovering face of the creature and the knife in his hand, and blood – my blood – still dripping from the blade.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Knerd — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 07:40:08 -0600

My main concern is that you don't tell us very much about your main character within these first paragraphs. The majority of it is spent on the doctor, who I honestly don't care very much about at this point. I want to learn about the person who I will be following throughout the novel. It seems like you've missed a chance to really show off what makes her tick. For one, you already told the audience that your main character gave an "emotionless smile." It's not necessary to remind us two sentences later that there was a "lack of emotion." Use this opportunity to switch it up and tell us more about your MC. Also be careful about relying on italics. You shouldn't need them in order to make your writing interesting or to add emphasis. If you really believe that your writing is less without them, then perhaps you should go back and make some changes in order to make the affected sentences more dynamic. Let your words stand out on their own. 2. Genre and age group: YA science fiction is my guess. 3. Buy it or turn the page: That last paragraph leaves me curious about the world you've created, so I'd turn the page. But the military overtones and uncertainty surrounding the MC would probably keep me from buying the book just yet. 4. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Applejacks — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:01:26 -0600

Ares offered the sweet ‘cars’ hunks of chocolate. The alluring hint of aroma tangled with the breeze and they drifted over to him. The black forms could have merged with the dark sky from Ares’ perspective. They mimicked sleek aerodynamic cutouts, eclipsing the expanse of stars as they proceeded forward. They hovered a foot above the lush grass, suddenly still as they faced him. The gentle luminosity of celetsial light burned away as the fierce glare of headlights stabbed into Ares’ eyes. Appendages slipped from their chassis and rose above like metallic serpents. The stabbing points bloomed, sheltering gleaming needles ready to strike. Ares stumbled backward, overwhelmed by their sudden change in character. “It’s only me…” Ares said faintly. They subdued significantly, realizing, truly, that same cyborg had come to visit. They recognized his smooth black armor conforming to his petite build marked with transparent patterns. The contribution of his child-like voice added to this familiarity. “I’m sorry its been so long.” He was just as surreal as them, oddities of a number of realms including the one Ares dwelled in the most, earth. Ares was only an ill version of them, so trust remained temporary if he hadn’t been around for a while. If something in him changed they would know.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:34:21 -0600

A center booth in a hole-in-the-wall café probably lacked something in terms of creepiness. But it was heated and out of the wind, two things Harley ranked above mood even if the entire routine was all about putting on a show. Besides, the café served BLTs and coffee, two things he was absolutely certain he couldn't find in a thematically appropriate graveyard, and he was in favor of any venue that helped convince people to buy him lunch. Ellie was staring wide-eyed at him. She had pale blue eyes that were a bit oversize for her face, and she didn't blink much, which made the stare slightly unnerving. But being unnerved by the customer was not a part of the show, so Harley stared right back even if he fiddled with the lip of the paper cup. "He's a dog, El," he reminded her. "If you wanted more than feelings, you should've asked me to contact someone human. Unless you want me to try to imitate that grumbling sound he keeps making in the back of his throat." "Like he's trying to imitate a human sigh?" Harley cocked his head slightly and considered it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CallMeCordelia — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:34:48 -0600

Thank you for the critique, it really helps having a fresh set of eyes to review my writing. I see what you mean about to many adjectives, I guess its hold over from NaNo padding, lol. Commas are my nemesis so thank you for pointing them out. I will definitely take your advice. Cheers. Woot! for being a fan of Doctor Who!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:44:14 -0600

1. Your first paragraph needs some cleaning up -- mostly because it's only two very long sentences, not all of which flow ["having already filled out an entire page with notes" in particular is awkward phrasing, and the entire paragraph might flow better if you turn it into it's own sentence]. I had to read this paragraph twice before I fully understood what was going on, so just be careful there. Your narrator's desire for Marshall to speak to them also feels like it ought to be its own paragraph -- it's introducing a character that's clearly important, and it feels like a transition between the notetakers and cameramen and what the narrator is doing here, so it feels a little like it should stand apart. Your third paragraph is a good hook -- suddenly I'm interested in the narrator's situation, and I want to know who Marshall is and what he's guarding them from. You convey the narrator's initial irritation well, although I wonder if there's tension here I'm not getting? 2. Age group and genre: I'm thinking suspense, possibly some mystery. Adult audience. 3. Buy it or turn the page: I want to know who Marshall is, so I'd turn the page. This doesn't really feel like my genre, though, so I doubt I'd buy it. 4. Grade: C+?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:51:06 -0600

1. I hate to be so harsh about formatting -- but your middle paragraph is really difficult to read. There are multiple people talking, and you really ought to start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes, because I cannot ferret out who is speaking to whom without reading it three times, which is not how you want to start. I'd also be careful about pronouns -- you've got at least two women in the scene [I can't tell March's gender from this alone, so it may be three], so make sure which "she" is speaking is clear. You've got some interesting world building, though -- the ships, military school, the fact that it's on Mars -- that is somewhat intriguing. Bringing up sabotage so soon gives me hints as to what they're doing here and sort of gets me interested. 2. Genre and age group: YA and science fiction, probably. 3. Buy it or turn the page: With the formatting issues fixed, I'd probably turn the page. Without them, I wouldn't. 4. Grade: C-. Would easily go up if it were easier to read.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:58:58 -0600

1. Really starting in the middle of things, aren't you? Your description is terse and vivid, and starting with a dying narrator is definitely enough to propel me through the first scene. I feel like I ought to have some idea about what the "creature" is after the first two hundred words -- or at least of how human he is. I'd also read a few of your longer compound sentences aloud and see where the natural pauses are, because I think you're missing a few commas. I really love the last paragraph, though. It's quite vivid and grabbing. 2. Genre and age group: fantasy, adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page: I'm not one to make a purchasing decision on two hundred words, but I'd definitely be turning the page and reading the rest of the scene. 4. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CallMeCordelia — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:59:31 -0600

I have trouble with POV as well. I really like the emotion that you give the characters and I understand that you don't want to lose that. I was thinking maybe if you just make each POV a little less brief by combining them. Or using speech or names to indicate the shift. “Where is he now?” His voice was almost in a whisper. (this way we know that we are now in the mans head with the next paragraph, or you could use his name in place of "His" if that fits.) One man, she had said. Just one other man living knew where he was residing…Could he believe that it was really that simple; that his freedom could be kept by keeping the silence of two people? Could he escape the god’s grasp so easily? (we know who thinking because of the name) Everin’s lip trembled, and tears stung her eyes. Sickening guilt struck her as she realized that to save herself she would have to betray her messenger. Good luck,

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:04:18 -0600

1. Your first sentence is rather intriguing, and I'm always interested in finding out what's up when the first character introduced has a clear mythical reference in the name. I'm also rather curious about your sentient "cars," especially since you start writing in their collective point of view. I want to know why they could be tempted with chocolate and why Ares is visiting them. You establish a nice voice for him too, in contrast to the name from where I'm standing -- so I'd be interesting in finding out more about him. Your description is a bit flowery -- there's a lot of adjectives and similes, and some of them don't seem too necessary for establishing mood, so I'd suggest seeing if you could cut a few of them out. 2. Genre and age group: Science fiction, probably young adult? 3. Buy it or turn the page: I'd turn the page. 4. Grade: B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:11:31 -0600

I don't know that you'll see this, but I'm willing to give it a shot. 1. I think you set up plenty of setting in your first paragraph, at least this time, although I'd personally like to see the sand days from Akir's point of view rather than an omnescient one -- I'm not a fan of panning in for the entrance, though, so it may work better for another reader. You do establish a good sense of character in the second and third paragraphs -- worry, irritation, taking on a leadership role of a sort even though he doesn't want to. As an inner monologue that sets everything up, I think this works well, and the dialogue in the last paragraph propels us into the story well, too. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy, probably aimed at an adult audience. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page. 4. Grade: A-? I'm not good at letter grades.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:11:44 -0600

Thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Applejacks — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:18:49 -0600

Thank you. I've fixed the problems.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:53:46 -0600

Sensing trouble, people started to edge away from the two men. Talty came out from behind the bar and grabbed O’Malley’s right hand before he could use it. O’Malley released Frank’s shirt, sending him bowling backwards into the chimneybreast. Frank hit his head hard on the stone and it started to bleed. O’Malley shook himself free of Talty and the others, and launched himself at Frank a second time, this time landing a punch. Frank collapsed in a lifeless heap and the women quickly pulled him away from the wood burner before he added a severely burned hand to his other injuries. Talty and several other customers wrestled John James to the ground and dragged him out into the street. By the time they came back inside, Frank had recovered consciousness and was receiving first aid to the cut on his head. Talty bent down and examined Frank’s injuries. “Ye’ll live,” he declared, “I’ll call Catherine.” Frank groaned. Dennis and Parky hoisted him to his feet and helped him out into the street. John James O’Malley was no longer anywhere to be seen. Inside, the chatter picked up again, albeit quietly at first. But, by the time Frank’s sister arrived, the party atmosphere had returned and Frank and O’Malley were yesterday’s news.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

twaltzing — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:18:46 -0600

[quote=Chaos-Insanity] Re-posting, since I got nada last time. The flora and fauna were astounding. No longer bound by realistic biology, they had taken a sharp turn for the insane and nonsensical. Lambs sprung forth from plants, barely touching hoof to earth as they grazed on the grasses surrounding the plant. What appeared to be tentacles flowed easily from a flowers gaping maw, snapping out to gently ensnare passing insects, bring them down to its stamen and release them again once the pollination was complete. Most amazing was the appearance of a chimaera in our path. Part goat, part lion and part serpent, it was by far the most odd thing I had ever encountered. By what force was this creature created? What would ever influence a beast to do this to itself? I got my answer when I realized, it was purposely created. The rider on its back stepped down gracefully from his odd looking mount, only to cast an arrogant gaze our way, one that shifted quickly when he noticed Vesapian amongst our ranks. He loped up to us and smiled genuinely at Vesapian. "And how is the queen these days? It has to have been at least a decade since we last saw each other," he said, glaring at Bastian and Meinhard, clearly trying to drive them off. [/quote] A couple of grammar things, though: ...from a flower's gaping maw [possessive] ..."What appeared to be tentacles flowed easily from a flowers gaping maw, snapping out to gently ensnare passing insects, bring them down to its stamen and release them again once the pollination was complete." The subject here is the tentacles [plural], so later when it says "to its stamen" it is confusing. ..by far the most odd thing... > oddest [one-syllable adjectives do not take "most"] I got my answer when I realized, it was purposely created. --> I got my answer when I realized it had been purposely created. I'm also not sure how the narrator got an answer by "realizing" that it was purposely created. Did s/he see someone or something that gave him/her that information? odd-looking is hyphenated if you want to use it I'm wondering who the narrator is...it's not the queen, and the person who approaches only glares at two people, both of whom are named. So the narrator is presumably low-key or....?? That part was a little bit confusing for me. I don't read fantasy (which I'm assuming this is from the description), but this sounds interesting. I might read it. :-) I like the description.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:25:04 -0600

Since third time's a charm: Tomasso was awake – again – his lithe body tossing like a restless storm. The sleepless nights had begun a year ago. In the last two months, they had far outnumbered the peaceful. He had welcomed them at first; hoping that the dark circles under his blue eyes would detract attention from the obvious. But no matter how little he slept, Tomasso knew that it wasn't little enough. No visible sign of sleep deprivation would fool them at this stage. Everyone in the village was already too aware; too close to discovering his secret. Even his dearest friend, Perlita, who had braced herself the longest, with the willpower of a very headstrong Italian woman, had finally narrowed her eyes in suspicion. It was time to move on, before the tittle-tattle turned from suspicious whispers in the dark to full-blown accusations in the open. The secret could not under any circumstances come out. God knew what would happen if it left the village. Only one thing was absolutely sure: Lui would know where to find him, and it wouldn't be long till he knocked on the door with his death-dealing guns and twisted morals.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:27:54 -0600

This is my first critique, so I apologise if I don’t quite say what you expect me to. It is odd seeing an excerpt from someone’s novel and trying to guess what’s going on. But you have me intrigued, so that must be a good start. I am imagining that Harley is a medium, though I’m not sure whether he is genuine or whether he is just “putting on a show”. If he was putting on a show, then he would certainly need added “creepiness”, but ranking heat and draught-proofing above mood seem a bit contradictory in that case. The second paragraph seems well-written. Ellie has asked Harley to contact the spirit of a much-loved pet. However, there is something nagging in the back of my mind about Harley’s abilities, assuming he has managed to contact the dog and is correct about the grumbling sound he makes, I wonder why Harley would need all the theatrics of a graveyard to perform. 2. Genre and age group? Not sure. Nothing overtly terrifying. Doesn’t have me on the edge of my seat. Probably not Horror & Supernatural then. Could be Fantasy, but no hint of fantastical creatures or other worlds. May be a whodunit. I’ll plump for Mystery, Thriller or Suspense. Age group: Young adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Definitely turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A bit confusing and contradictory (to be expected with a 200-word excerpt), but well-written. 80%

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ash Hawthorne — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:40:37 -0600

May 16th 2022—Two Year Anniversary Entry #1 I’m writing this to tell my story to those who may survive. Or if some other species spring up from our blood and ashes and find this journal they’ll know what came to be of those that lived before them. I should warn you first though, this isn’t a tale for the weak hearted. If you’ve an overactive imagination, queasy stomach, or scare easily, I suggest that you close this book and do not continue any further. Seriously. This is no fairy tale or bedtime story, this is a nightmare that doubles as my life. My name is—or was—Kyra Leigh North and this is my story...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:42:28 -0600

I don't know if this really is your first 200 words? If it is I would be rather confused as a reader. I have no idea who the protagonist is which makes it hard to take a stand in the fight.. As for genre I was going to guess Western till I read "I'll call Catherine." . So now I'm going to guess Mainstream Fiction. Style: I think that you start many of your sentences with a name. Pick up?: I have no idea what this is about.. and if this is the 200 first words I'm jst confused. It feels more like a excerpt from the middle.. I would probably flip the book around and look at the back. To see what this was even about. Good: I really like the soiund of Frank and O'Malley.. I'm sort of hoping O'Malley returns.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:18:52 -0600

That's a lot more than 200 words!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:30:03 -0600

Thanks for the help. Guess I shouldn't have given you a bit from the middle of the book, should I? I'll be more careful with formatting.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:39:42 -0600

1.Critique? I have only two things to suggest in regards to the writing. "realistic biology" could perhaps be changed into something like "restricting laws of nature". The second is your quote. I would suggest t put "he said" after the first natural break wich is "...queen these days?" Best thing was the "self pollinating" flower! 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy YA 3. Buy it or turnt the page? It's not my usual grenre so unless the plot is really intriguing or the chracters have a tremendous deph I wouldn't flip the page.. and I can't judge that from this excerpt. So answer is no. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A- The writing is clear and not mundane, but there is nothing in this excerpt to interest me as a non Fantasy reader.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

twaltzing — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:41:57 -0600

I smoothed the edges of the wrinkled strip of photos with my thumb. I couldn't see the Mike that belonged there, back when everything was normal and easy. Try as I might, the calm blue eyes that should have looked back at me always morphed into my last glimpse of his eyes as they manhandled him into the back of the Red Army truck. I’d known Mike most of my life. We'd played in the same T-ball league, marched in the same Halloween parades, suffered and traded our way through the same lunchbox fare from mothers who packed with too much attention to nutrition and not enough to what was really cool. It wasn’t until March that I'd realized we weren’t just friends. The Chinese took over in April. By May, he was gone, along with two-thirds of the junior class. I stuffed the photos back under the mattress and grabbed my backpack. The first day of senior year awaited at the Number Six Upstate High School, Dongbei Colony, formerly Washington High, Albany. New teachers, new classmates -- and a new language to wrestle. If only it were a study abroad brochure instead business as usual at home. Definitely not the senior year I'd had in mind.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writeandknow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:50:13 -0600

1. Critique? - Overall a well written piece. You had me hooked from the first sentence. I instantly wanted to know more about the situation. Why is the person stuffing the photos under her mattress? Is she not allowed to have them? I liked how you put in 'the number six upstate high school, Dongbei colony, formerly Washington High, Albany.' I just thought that was fun. I didn't realize until the second sentence, however, that she'd changed schools. Whoops! *headdesk*. Not much to complain about; I really enjoyed it. 2. Genre and age group? Young adult, I'm not one for good genres =/ 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it! 4. Grade? (Letter System) A++

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writeandknow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:50:22 -0600

and here is mine: Steven's foot found its way to the next branch. He exhaled forcefully. It had been so long since he had climbed any trees. When he lived with his father (if one wanted to use that term), he found that climbing trees gave him an option of escape. A way to climb so high that he felt like he was at the top of the world. A way to reduce the pain and pressure his father put on him on a regular basis. He hadn't been able to climb a tree in three years. He had no doubt that the situation would be challenging, but he was okay with that. He just had to get going. He knew that if he was spotted by the BB, as he and Derik liked to call them, he would surely be punished. There would be no ands, ifs or buts about it. Another foot step. Steven, having not been exposed to nature for a long time, was reveling in every little detail of it. The brown twigs on the tree and the leaves made him think of happy memories. He would have to try and do this more often. He winced as his foot almost slipped.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writeandknow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:53:24 -0600

Critique: I think you got ninja'd, so allow me to critique yours as well. I really liked the introduction, and I liked how you specified that he was awake again. Obviously, it's not the first night that he's wrestled with insomnia. I also was very interested by the "Lui would know where to find him." I wondered instantly if he was being held captive or something. Is he? I'm soooooooo curious about what's going on here. I'm a little confused about the 'no sign of sleep deprivation' line, but that's just me. Well done. Genere: Mystery and possibly romance Buy it or turn page: I would at least turn the page, and possibly buy it! Rating: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writeandknow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:55:26 -0600

Critique: I am interested right off the bat to know why it was said, "Those who MAY survive." Why wouldn't they survive?! That makes me want to read more right away. I was very, very curious about the whole scene. I also liked that the author of the journal was like, "This isn't a tale for the weak heated." Call me a meanie, but that only made me want to do more! Other than the fact that I wouldn't put the "...." after the final sentence, I liked it a lot. Genre: Mystery, other culture (forget what that genre is); young adult Buy it or turn the page: Buy it Rating: A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SwiftstarDawn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:12:26 -0600

Thanks very much for the excellent critique! I really do rely far too much on italics...I suppose they make me feel like I'm writing a real book. ._. Got to get rid of that idea! And you're right- YA science fiction. Spot on. I was thinking about the uncertainty around Layne (My MC) and I'm pretty sure it stems from the fact that this is intended to be the third book in a trilogy, so I assumed the reader would be familiar with her. However, you taught me something invaluable- I have to be clear enough to make people want to go find the first book, don't I? :) Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:17:20 -0600

Critique? Good start that captures the interest. since it was so short I included it all here: May 16th 2022—Two Year Anniversary [Of what??? I really hope this is related to the "nightmare" and not Kyra's relationship.] I’m writing this to tell my story to those who may survive. Or if some other species spring up from our blood and ashes and find this journal they’ll know what came to be of those that lived before them. [I should warn you first though -- could be stronger!], this isn’t a tale for the weak hearted. If you’ve an overactive imagination, queasy stomach, or [scare easily-- could be stronger!], I suggest that you close this book and do not continue [any -- not sure if it's needed/grammaticaly correct] further. [Seriously. -- turns me off a bit!] This is no fairy tale or bedtime story, this is a nightmare that doubles as my life. 2. Genre: Horror 3. Rating: A 4. Buy or turn page?: Turn page to see what has happened. Is it the zombie apocalyps, a war, alien attac??? However, though this narration works very well for a captivating start, I'm not sure how it will read throughout.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

the8thstone — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:51:21 -0600

Adri was running for her life on a typical Saturday morning, the solid ground underneath her bare feet, the soft bread in her hands, and a baker screaming bloody murder at her heels. She had never felt so good. She sped through the many gray, winding streets of downtown Hemnen City, loving the feeling of concrete and dirt under her toes. After turning a corner past a cabbage wheeler, she dared a look behind her. The fat baker was still chasing after her with visible effort. His clumsy feet seemed to trip over every single pebble in his way. But, on Jacob’s credit, this guy was fast. “Help!” he called out to the nonexistent passerby. There were no one living in his district of Hemnen, Adri knew. “Help me! That son of a—” His face hit the road. Adri laughed. Hugging the stolen bread closer, Adri ran into a smaller alleyway she’d used to get out of town many times before. It would lead through several of those metal factories that produced archaic junk—like the “lamp” she almost ran into just now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

twaltzing — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:03:52 -0600

Thanks very much. And you got everything right, including genre. Thanks for pointing out that I need to make it clear that she isn't actually changing schools. I'll work on that part.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

the8thstone — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:04:35 -0600

Critique: What is this? What is this? Is this a future masterpiece I see here??? Why, yes it is! The only real issue I have is with the sentence "It wasn't until March that I'd realized we weren't just friends." It was put in there randomly. Then the subject moved on to other matters, when it might've been better if their relationship was touched on a bit more. The dash in the last paragraph felt a little out of place too. Genre: YA, and maybe Alternate History? Rating: A Buy or Turn Page: Buy? Whaddaya mean? I'll be too busy hiding in the bookstore to finish this book than wait for a silly cashier!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

twaltzing — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:10:41 -0600

Critique: [like I have any basis to critique anyone...but we'll pretend for the moment...] Um...I like the tree climbing right up front. It's very active and since it's part of my childhood experience it speaks to me. I don't know about the parentheses, maybe I'd try to find a way not to use them, and probably I wouldn't use the word "one" because it doesn't sound to me like the voice of a person of an age to be able to climb a tree effectively. I like the "BB" -- it's intriguing. It adds to my overall feeling of "something is going to happen, maybe he'll fall or something, or discover something from the vantage point of the tree". I don't know about "Another foot step". "Footstep" is a step on the ground. Maybe something like "another move of the foot"? And I might take out the passive in the next sentence (you should see the pile of torn and bleeding passive sentences on my floor now that I'm editing, but it really seems to help.) And I'm not sure if you wince when your foot slips. Usually you wince when you're in pain for some reason, or when something's embarrassing. Grimaced? I'd like to know more about why Steven hadn't been exposed to nature for a long time. Locked up? In the city? Genre: YA Buy it: I'd turn the page for sure. I tend to read female protagonist stuff so maybe the male voice isn't as appealing to me personally. I don't think it would be a problem for other people, obviously. Grade: I don't know...I need a rubric to grade anything these days. ;-) B+? I hate grading people. ;-(

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CaptainSpuds — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 22:50:43 -0600

It has plenty tension, that's one of it's best points. Varied sentence structure usually only make the writing better, and if you have to resort to short or partial sentences for a feeling then you suck as a writer. You obviously don't need that. Go ahead and add a few more commas.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:48:44 -0600

1. Critigue: I find the paradox between "running for her life" and "typical Sunday morning" really strange. I'd take the word typical out, or explain the difference. I mean, I can make assumptions, but do you want that as the first sentence? Do you mean "On Jacob's credit" or "to Jacob's credit" -- I'm not sure who you're saying is fast...I infer that the baker's name is Jacob...so "to Jacob's credit"? Overall, the passage is kind of confusing to me. There's Adri, a girl. Some guy named Jacob whose calling out to people. But he seems to refer to Adri as a boy with "Son of ___". And a baker, who may or may not be Jacob. Also, his face hitting the road before saying bitch seems like a forced way to avoid writing out a curse word. I'd just write the word in and then have him faceplant. Or have him faceplant and then curse (that's a bit more realistic). And, we're in some place with no living people...but there's a whole bakery? That seems like a somewhat functioning economy. Though the passage is confusing, I still find it interesting. But I strongly think it needs to be written clearer...maybe fixing up some of the pronouns or giving quick physical descriptions. 2. Genre: I get a sort of adult science fiction vibe. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page...mainly to fix my confusion. 4. Grade: B-, Though I think the premise is really interesting and with some more descriptive writing, it could hit up to an A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:55:22 -0600

okay, edit #9832492384723 Prologue Earth, 1944: Vincent tugged hard on Renée’s arm but pulled away quickly, remembering her fatal rash. “Please Renée; I need you to run with me.” Ignoring Vincent’s beseeching requests to continue running, Renée slowly walked under the bridge and witnessed the pendant she held develop into a paintbrush. She almost dropped it from all the sweat on her weak body. Without any direction, Renée began confidently painting a small door on one of the bridge’s columns. Though Vincent saw that Renée was somehow miraculously holding a large paintbrush, he overlooked the mystery due to fear of the approaching gestapo. “Really, you’re painting now? The gestapo is less than a kilometer away!” “Trust me Vincent, this paintbrush is giving us time.” Renée said with determination. Vincent sighed, watching, wishing he could get his favorite artist to at least try and escape their impending death. Vahnul, 2011: “It doesn’t seem to want me to touch it.” Vayaki said sullenly, as an invisible force pushed her hand away. But the enchantment still settled a hopeful reality of magic in their minds. Within a blink, Laken held a large paintbrush. Without waiting for Vayaki’s verbal contemplations at the magic, he began outlining a red door on the floor. “I’ve never seen paint this purely red,” Laken murmured, adding in a doorknob. “You’re completely defacing this wretched library,” Vayaki whispered. Laken continued, smiling. He knew she was hoping for an escape as much as him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BillyxRansom — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:16:37 -0600

^This.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:21:12 -0600

Revision 1 --- Every city has the human element. New York, being the largest city, has more than most. Wealth and poverty, beauty and ugliness, love and hate – all of these existed hand in hand. In a society where such extremes of love and hate flourished, there was always more money made in trying to eradicate a hated party than in re-igniting the fires of love. Thusly, hitmen roamed all over the city; from shadowy corners that parents often warned their teenage daughters about, to the bright lights of Manhattan, and even being one of the suitors escorting those women to the ballet. With any situation, different hitmen were better than others, and the better ones commanded higher prices. Being a hired gun was a lucrative industry, and one that Everett Belvidere had lucked out on. Among streets filled with cars, a single black Porsche stood out amongst the yellow cabs and simpler vehicles, with Everett Belvidere - one of those highly paid hitmen - behind its wheel. A normal person would have thought it as otherwise impossible to maneuver through this bumper-to-bumper traffic that was endemic of New York streets. Everett, however, had no problem with it. He was uncouth enough to cut someone off in traffic without a second thought if he felt that it would save him time. Time was money. Somewhere in this city, there was money to be made, and Everett never turned down the opportunity to kill a man and reap a handsome amount for his services.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:47:59 -0600

Thanks for taking the time for the critique. It's very useful as I'm trying to figure out how and where to start the story. I naturally tend to start a story with a lead-in to the action, but many readers understandably find that boring - or at least worrisome. "What if this is the most exciting part?" they might think. I'm the same way. If I don't know a writer and the story starts slowly, then I am likely to put the book down. So this was an attempt to start off with a bang, and then see where to go from there. Like you say, there are things to work on. Some sentences can be cleaned up, and I should be more concrete with "the creature." But I'm glad that you didn't find it boring. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:57:26 -0600

Duh! Thanks for your critique. You are absolutely right. It isn't the beginning of my novel. I hadn't read the instructions correctly. Note to everyone: don't bother critiquing this. The first 200 words need a bit of work, but I'll repost in due course.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

misterchip100 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 03:39:51 -0600

It seems nano just ate my long reply, so I'll try another (although I'll shorten it some). First, I think this revision starts well. The only big thing left to do is to decide whether this is New York in the present or in the past. If it is the past, then simply change "New York ... has more," to, "New York ... had more." If it is the present, then you need to change the verbs in the following sentences to present tense (these exist, extremes flourish, money is made, hitmen roam). You have nuggets of gold in your first paragraph, but I still think your description is being bogged down by too many words. If you want an example of how I might change things, let me know and I can post it or send it to you in nano mail. In the second paragraph, you might want to go with an action scene instead of narrative description. Show Everett weaving in and out of traffic, cutting people off and almost running down little old ladies. That gives the writing more pizazz (a great word that I'm borrowing from a previous post). Most important, though, is that your story revision is going in the right direction. Keep up the hard work, and you will be rewarded with a great story that people will love to read!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:02:49 -0600

Baichen awoke so suddenly that taut muscles flung her frame up and over the bedside. She landed on the floor in a graceless heap of shaking limbs, tangled dark hair, and blankets. Fully alert and still trembling, with half a mind on Abrehtt's irritable stirrings, Baichen checked the lock. The Tongues were undisturbed. "Did you just fall out of bed?" Abrehtt's slurred voice threatened humor, but when she looked up at him, his eyes asked if he should be worried. Baichen grinned to reassure both him and her own wildly beating heart. "Unless you pushed me." Abrehtt dimpled and growled, a delightful combination. "Woman, I certainly would not have sent the blankets with you. Get back here." Gripping the offered arm, Baichen pulled herself and the blankets back into bed. "I don't know what happened, 'Brehtt." She couldn't suppress a shiver. The turret walls themselves seemed coated in malign and unknowable Tongues, a good sign that the sleep she was missing was very much needed. Abrehtt hugged her to him. "Probably just a dream." But he added, "I checked the lock, too." "Untouched," she answered, knowing he wouldn't ask.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:27:46 -0600

1. Critique: You hint at a lot that is intriguing with this beginning: the fatal rash, the pendant-turned-Harold's-Purple-Crayon, the doors on bridges and floors, the coexistence of Earth and Vahnul. The suspense in the Earth section is great, at least until the last sentence. It seemed jarring- a bit too resigned- for Vincent to sigh and watch and wish if the Gestapo are chasing them; I know I would be frantic with anxiety and frustration! The Vahnul beginning was equally mysterious and catching. I love the idea of being able to paint doors as escape routes. I'm overflowing with questions. I want to know more. Nitpicks on the lastparagraph: a new paragraph should start whenever a different character speaks, and "as much as him" should be "as much as he (was)". 2. Genre: Science Fiction 3. Buy it or turn the page: Yes

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

writeandknow — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:46:07 -0600

Thanks! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:13:10 -0600

OK. Now I've got the hang of this. Here are the first 200 words of my NaNo novel: The two women ate their main course without speaking. Eventually, Rose put down her knife and fork and blotted a spot of sauce from the tablecloth with her napkin. “I’m pregnant, you know”, she announced. The words surfaced in her sister’s consciousness as if waking from a dream, but Iris didn’t react immediately. She stared into her beer, her eyes fixed on the rising streams of tiny bubbles. Irritated by her lack of response, Rose persisted, “I’m going to have a baby!” Iris bit her top lip. In terms of appropriateness, “Who?” might have been a reasonable question but, as it was, “How?” probably wasn’t what Rose was hoping to hear. In a matter of moments, Rose’s expression changed from stunned to angry. Throughout the dangerous liaisons of her youth, her flirtations, her protracted extrication from a disastrous marriage and many subsequent relationships, Iris had always been the rock on which Rose could rely for support. Now, when she needed her most, Iris had nothing helpful to say. Rose pushed her plate away and stood up. “I don’t know why I bother with you at all.” Iris made to stand, catching a neighbouring diner’s coat with her chair as she did so. In that instant, she realised how out of touch they had become, getting together only to exchange birthday gifts or, as in this case, Christmas presents. “Wait,” Iris reached for Rose’s arm, but it was too late. Rose was gone.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:41:12 -0600

Critique: I like the basic concept of the story of a hitman called Everett Belvidere. Do you speak French? Were you aware that a “belvédère” (spelled with an “e” in the middle) is a panoramic tower such as you might have on a Chateau, where the ladies would have watched the progress of a hunt. How appropriate is that?! I do have a bit of a problem with your style/grammar. But that might be down to British v American English. Why do you use the word “party” instead of enemy? It sounds odd to me, as does the word “thusly” beginning the next sentence. To me, that sentence loses its way with the phrase, “and even being one of the suitors escorting those women to the ballet.” Do you mean that some of the suitors escorting the women to the ballet are also hitmen? It would fit with the theme, but it doesn’t come across clearly. I agree with Misterchip that the second paragraph dealing with Everett’s driving skills needs attention. Consider revising to : Among streets filled with cars, a single black Porsche stood out amongst the yellow cabs and simpler vehicles. Behind its wheel was Everett Belvidere, one of those highly paid hitmen. As you are not making a comparison, the next sentence doesn’t seem to need “as otherwise”. In summary, I like the theme. Did I see elsewhere that Everett was an Englishman? All the best cads are! Genre: Romance may be? Age group: adult Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page, definitely! Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Samuel Ganton — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:04:13 -0600

Sarissa arrived in Notlim on a rainy Wednesday evening, bruised and shaken by the train ride. Stooped under an umbrella, she hobbled through empty streets for half an hour before reaching her flat. The rain was swishing and singing, and stung her cheeks whenever she stumbled. Leaning on her cane, she had to pause several times under a streetlight and peer at a map. The roads wound like tunnels in a maze, and houses stretched out on either side like the walls of a corridor. The sky drooped very low, weighed down by raindrops, and its underbelly was tinged with yellow reflected light. If it weren’t for water sliding down her umbrella and dripping onto the sidewalk, there would have been no sounds at all, and Sarissa couldn’t have told if she was outdoors or in. When she reached her new flat (Unit 4, #6773 Rivenneck Rd.), which was just a couple of rooms at the top of a three-story row house, she stood on the porch fumbling with the keys for several moments. When she managed to fish the keys out of her pocket, and scrunch her map into the pocket, she opened the door, shut up her umbrella, fumbled again to put the keys back, and then stood still on the threshold for several more moments. She stared up at the long flight of stairs in front of her. Then, forcing her feet to lift themselves, she began to climb. Six flights, five landings, and 4 rests later, she reached the top. There she unlocked another door and entered her flat. It was dark. She turned on all the lights and came and stood in the middle of the main room. Stringy blond hair, wet despite the umbrella, plastered her face, and her huge eyes blinked. She put up her hands and felt her ears parting the hair – Mickey Mouse ears. Her long pointed nose – her witch nose – sniffed at the room. Her knees were shaking. Sarissa Pater was now at home.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:08:23 -0600

Since you were kind enough to critique the excerpt that I posted in error, I feel obliged to return the compliment. Like Labyrinth Rose, I really like the idea that there is a secret. That alone makes the reader want to turn the page. I wouldn't worry too much about the use of names. You mentioned in my excerpt that I often used a name at the beginning of a sentence, but when you have a conversation or action sequence, it is quite important to keep track of who is doing what. Adding too many "he" and "she"s you can quickly lose the thread and have to re-read. In your piece, you could simply swap the last mention of Tomasso in your first para for "he" and take out the break between the penultimate and last paragraphs to tie the identity of "the man" to Lui. If there is one thing I'm not that keen on, it is the idea of Tomasso's "his lithe body tossing like a restless storm". It doesn't work for me. Firstly, because "restless" seems a bit too regular for a storm, more like waves on the sea, and secondly because I don't think sleepless people compare easily to a "storm". What about "his lithe body tossing like waves breaking on a rocky shore" ... Genre: thriller? Age group: young adult Buy or turn the page: turn the page, definitely Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:13:30 -0600

1. Critique? Starting with a "waking-up" is almost never a good idea (IMO), unless something very unusual is happening quite immideately. Here it's hard to tell if Baichen ofter wakes up like that - recurring nightmares as Abrehtt seem to think? - or if it's something more sinister lurking. The turret walls themselves seemed coated in malign and unknowable Tongues, a good sign that the sleep she was missing was very much needed. I don't get this. If the very walls are malign - and she feels threatened by it - why is that a "good sign" that she needs to sleep? Perhaps you should rewrite this. But he added, "I checked the lock, too." I thought Baichen checked the lock, not Abrehtt? 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy (since Tounges seem to be some kind of magic-related), and probably adult (since you have a man and a woman sharing bed) :) 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:23:32 -0600

1. Critique? I get the scene and the mood. Perhaps you could add "and waited for her sisters reaction" at the end of the first paragraph, telling me that they're sisters and that Rose are a bit anxious. What POV are you going for? You seem to change from Rose in the first paragraph, then to Iris and back to Rose in the second, and you keep switching. I get confused as to whose thoughts I'm following. I think you should pick one of them (the one you want me to root for in this scene) and give me hers thoughts only. 2. Genre and age group? Hard to say. Since it's about a pregnancy, I'd say it's for adult (or perhaps YA) 3. Buy it or turn the page? This is not my "type" of story, I think. The premise I think is good enough for me to turn the page, but I would probably not have picked it up in the first place :) 4. Grade? (Letter System) Hmmm..... B? No idea, actually.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:28:00 -0600

Since I have two Main Characters - with equal amount of POVs - I have two openings. So - here's the other one. Still haven't decided who actually will get the very first chapter. (The other one will get the second). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mateo had no intentions of dying. Not for a God, not for a wager, and certainly not because of something extra put in his sookiye. His healer's sense should have recognized the sweet tinge in the bitter green liquor even before he put the cup down. He would have, if it hadn't been the sixth one. Or seventh. As it was, he didn't notice something was wrong until Kayal dropped from the bench. The tavern was full this night, unusually so for the evening before High Summer's Day. Most people would be home, preparing for the frenzy of tomorrow's Feastnight, but Mateo had more than enough reason to flee his suite. It had not been difficult to round up some friends who happily tried to make him forget his sorrows. Not that it helped much. Galenne, the eternal competitioner, made some stray comment on how women in general and Kayal especially simply had no tolerance for alcohol. Mateo's brows furrowed, and then he felt the first stab of pain in his stomach. Swearing under his breath, he dove down beside Kayal. She didn't seem to notice him, her eyes was staring blankly up at the table. "What's wrong, Mateo?" Panek was leaning down, looking worried. "She's sick?"

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:37:52 -0600

Thank you for your comments. However, with the greatest of respect, I think one of the rules for critiquing other people's novels is not to pick a genre that you wouldn't normally enjoy. I don't, for instance, ever write critiques for fantasies. In this instance, I don't believe there is a particular need to "root" for one character or another at this point.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:56:58 -0600

1. You start slow. That's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on how you want to catch someone's eye, but the languid descriptions simply aren't grabbing me, and a few -- the roads like a maze, and houses like corridors -- feel a bit repetitive, and some of the details [the house number, for instance] could easily be cut to speed the pace a little, to what you want to interest your audience with -- the Mickey Mouse ears and the witch nose, etc. I think you've set the mood -- quiet and a little timid -- very well, and you've got an interesting element of fantasy there at the bottom of the first page, and it's all very well written. 2. Genre and age group: Urban fantasy, aimed at adults 3. Buy it or turn the page: Depending on the synopsis, I might turn the page. I'm a little curious about Sarissa's ears, but you just haven't instilled a sense of urgency in me yet. 4. Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:06:25 -0600

1. I like your first paragraph. The first line is grabbing, and suddenly I have some idea of the setting and the character just from that alone. The second paragraph seems a little out of place, though -- you can fill in those background details later, rather than introducing an interesting situation and then panning out to fill in background details that we frankly don't need just yet. Right now what is in the alcohol is much more interesting. I think, given the third paragraph, that you could probably just cut the second entirely and add that information later in the scene for pacing purposes. The last two paragraphs continue the scene just fine, and I think starting with narration rather than description would work for this scene. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy, aimed at adults. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page, at least. I'm interested to know more about what was slipped into the drinks and why. 4. Grade: B-.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:07:42 -0600

The wind had died down from the morning's gales, but the weather hadn't warmed any, and Lore could barely feel her cheeks or the tips her fingers. Fionn barely seemed to notice the cold, and was completely ignoring her curses as well. She had half a mind to make the next one magical, just to see if he could brush that off, too. "Are you even listening to me?" she demanded. "I'm hearing you, at least." They reached the edge of the archer's field, and Fionn planted one hand on the fence and hopped over it. Lore sighed and leaned against it. She couldn't follow him over in skirts, and if she went around to the gate she was going to loose her momentum in the discussion. "Then why aren't you listening?" she asked, because if she didn't know that she might as well be debating the wall. Fionn was clearly in a mood again. He'd had rather a lot of them, lately. Most folk blamed his age, but Lore was relatively certain she hadn't been so moody two years ago when she'd been fifteen.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:32:40 -0600

Yes, Everett is an Englishman.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:39:37 -0600

1. Critique: * You have a lot more commas than you need. Check out your first sentence, for example: you have "but the weather hadn't warmed any" comma'd like a clause. If you take out that clause, what happens to the sentence? "The wind had died down from the morning's gales and Lore could barely feel her cheeks with the tips [of] her fingers." Which doesn't really make sense. Take out both commas and you're good to go, though starting out with the weather is always a bit risky. At least you've got weather-as-it-relates-to-a-person. * 'her' in the second sentence isn't immediately understood to be Lore. Fionn is a more feminine name than Lore, so I initially assumed that Fionn was meant to be studying curses but was ignoring them. Sentence 3 got me even more confused since I had, at this point, assumed Lore was a man and Fionn a woman. * You have two lines of spoken dialog and neither of them is directly attributed. No sentence before the very last one in the excerpt clearly links either character to a gendered pronoun (the first two sentences of that paragraph come close, but it's still inferred rather than direct). I don't know who "she" is that's demanding something when one of them speaks, so I don't know who is answering. I can riddle it out from context, providing I figure out the cursing thing, but it's more work than I should need to do inside of the first page of your book. * The sentence following the second line of dialog is a run-on, but not a stylistically appropriate one. * I think the whole first paragraph would be better of replaced with a couple more lines of (attributed) dialog: "It's so cold I can't even feel my face anymore!" Lore said, poking it with numb fingers. "Though at least the wind has died down since morning." "Uh huh," Fionn said. "Are you even listening... Maybe with more profanity if you want Lore actually cursing. Gets us straight into the characters instead of hearing about the weather via exposition. 2. Genre: Fantasy. YA if Lore is the main character, MG if Fionn is, unless it takes a turn for the adult at some point. 3. I don't really care what's up with Fionn at this point and as far as I can tell they're just out for a walk on a winter's day, but if I was interested enough by the cover blurb I'd keep reading. There's nothing here to stop me. 4. Grade: B. It's competent, just rough.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:44:11 -0600

Hah, I totally missed 'her' in the first sentence despite re-typing it. That would have clued me in on the dialog. Nevermind that bit, then, though you should still attribute that first line with a name instead of a pronoun.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SushiSushi — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:00:51 -0600

Cassandra wondered what it would be like to be a marshmallow. Soft, she imagined, and endlessly mellow. It would be an easy life, one of being surrounded by pink and white siblings, being moved from stockroom to store front and sitting pretty for a while. But it would be a short existence; people never stop at one, do they? She'd end up as an absent-minded snack, up and in, down. Or, as it was Autumn now, her end would be as a melting blob, bobbing pathetically in some scalding hot drink. Better not to be a marshmallow, Cassie decided, better to be something else entirely. Somewhere after four, it began to rain. The sound of droplets hitting glass took Cassie's attention away from her lecturer's thin voice. Threads of sentences drifted in and out of her thoughts, but nothing really sunk in. Every now and then a sharp sounding “must” or “needs to be included” would jerk a little life into her. It was a Thursday and Cassie disliked them. Every Thursday she found herself inside lecture room BA 4 and there would be subjected to a tedious three hours. Sometimes she took notes, mainly she jotted down words which had little relation to one another, written blocks of text in her notebook were sparse and hard to find. “- can all try and get hold of a copy of it- or know someone who can, and then borrow it- for next week. Okay then, I'll see you Thursday.” There was a bubbling of chatter and general clatter as students began to pack away their belongings and leave the room. Cassie shut her notebook and slipped into her leather shoulder bag. It fitted snugly alongside unravelling roll of scattering Polos, slim black mobile phone and jumble of door key, post box key and fob on a toy fox keyring.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

MrBadgerPants — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:17:18 -0600

1. Critique * Overall your writing is decent, but needs some tightening up. Several sentences are awkwardly structured but could work if you went back over them. The one with the marshmallow, ending, "...up and in, down." for example, doesn't read very well despite me knowing what you're going for. * The marshmallow thing is sort of amusing but seems entirely disconnected from the following paragraph. Is this something she's musing on while bored in class? * Starting off your book with the main character being bored is frequently a poor idea. It seems logical because you want to establish your character as a normal person with a normal life, about to be thrust into strange circumstance, but nobody wants to read about normal people doing boring things. If she's about to go do something exciting, either start with the exciting bit or at least give us some hints right away that excitement is on the horizon. * I'm not sure why you referred to Cassie as both Cassandra and Cassie within the narration. This is obviously in her voice, so she presumably has one name that she thinks of herself as and would stick with barring good reason to switch. If someone else were the POV character then they might switch between them as naturally as they would switch in conversation, especially if it were first-person narrative, but with Cassie as the POV character I'd expect to see a single, consistent name throughout. * It may just be my ignorance, but I don't know what a Polo is in reference to her bag. Presumably not the shirt? * I would attribute the line of dialog from (I assume) the professor. 2. Genre: I have no idea from this. I'd guess regular fiction since it (in the first page at least) appears to be about a normal, if somewhat absentminded, young woman of roughly college age. 3. Buy it etc. I'd put it back on the shelf at this point. Nothing is going on and, as a fairly studious person, I dislike Cassie's lack of focus. 4. Grade: D. The writing would get you a B since there's not much wrong technically, but the content is just boring. I don't mean to be harsh; I'm sure it livens up shortly, and finding the right place to start a novel is hard.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:42:07 -0600

Thanks for the feedback! Appreciate the insights.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:58:32 -0600

OK. I said to WhiteLily that I didn't critique fantasy, as I don't normally read it. But since she appears to have a poor grasp of English comprehension, I'll try and do a better job. I don't have any problem with the first paragraph. Waking up seems as good a way to start a story as any other, especially if one is startled by something. I think I understand where White Lily is coming from when she asks about Baichen thinking that the walls are coated in malign and unknowable Tongues being a "good sign" that she needs sleep. Would it may be be better to say it is a "sure sign" that she needs sleep. I'm not even going to pretend to understand what the Tongues are, because I don't think it matters in terms of this critique. However, if they are some sort of spirit voices, it could be that "coated" might not be quite the right word, as it makes them seem a bit .... um ... slimy!! How about the walls were "steeped" in malign and unknowable tongues? Can't see the problem with Abrehtt checking the door as well. Seems quite clear to me. Genre: Fantasy Age Group: Young adult (young adults do share beds occasionally!) Buy it or turn the page: Well, fantasy isn't really my bag, but you have caught my attention so I'll turn the page. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ash Hawthorne — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:22:49 -0600

Thanks for the critique! :D Yea, the genre is a little tough because it's kind of a mix of a few, but it is for young adults. :) Once again, thank you so much

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ash Hawthorne — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:27:03 -0600

Thank you so much for your honest feedback and critique :) Sadly, it's in the rules that I cannot explain my novel which upsets me since feedback about the idea would really help. *sigh* :P Much appreciation for your suggestions by the way. :D Most of your guesses were really close as well.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:28:57 -0600

thanks! I'll work on the last sentence on that section and the other grammar stuff :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:40:33 -0600

I like 'sure sign'! Thanks very much for your input.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

wampuscat — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 16:37:18 -0600

1. I can't really add much to what the other two critiques say. At first, I thought this must be fantasy, but some small things in the language felt more modern and out of place (he never had a great relationship with his father, arthritis, balls). If it's fantasy, I might rework those things, I'm not sure. If it's dystopian, maybe those things are just fine. I might rework some of the passive areas. The sun set, rather than the sun had set, things like that. I'd get rid of the "there was" in the constellation sentences. I'm interested to know why the burning flesh smell wasn't overwhelming to him. My one nit-picky thing is that I would question that a body would burn in an hour. 2. Fantasy or dystopian. I would guess a YA coming-of-age thing. 3. Turn the page. 4. B. Good voice. Good characterization so far.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

wampuscat — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 16:59:06 -0600

1. I like the first line, and I like the idea of the scene. Like others have said, it feels a bit slow to me. I think that if you cleaned up a bit of the passive voice and some unneeded words, it might help with the pace. (Like get rid of "age" and just say "college student," "woke" instead of "woke up," etc.) Maybe also if you put a little more emotion into it. How does your character react? Is she scared? Confused? I don't get any sense of her. I especially like that her skin is clean and unbroken. I thought that was nice language. Also, you might want to watch the structure of sentences and the timing of things in the last paragraph. This is very nit-picky, but you have to reach into the pocket before you pull out the flashlight, you can't do them simultaneously. Also, it seems like he'd check the chart before he talked to her, to find her name. Unlike the others, the strange name didn't really bother me, except that I didn't know how to pronounce it. Perhaps the doctor can have trouble pronouncing it as well, and she can correct him to give her shortened name? 2. Adventure/Thriller? 3. Turn the page 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

the8thstone — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:21:01 -0600

"On Jacob's credit" is supposed to be a phrase, sort of. It's like "My God!" but different, evolved from the modern use of credit cards. Jacob's not actually a baker. Sorry for the confusion. It really wasn't clear. Oh, I didn't realize he said, "son of..." Ah, Adri was supposed to be mistaken for a boy, but then I cut that out. Then never noticed it. Thank you for pointing it out. Faceplant and then curse. Got it. :) The setting wasn't explained well enough either. Sorry. Thank you for your critique!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

wampuscat — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:24:02 -0600

1. This is a good start. I like how much you've packed in here. I'm interested in why she'd have to kill her fellow operatives. Who does she really work for? The switch from third person to first person in the middle threw me. I'm guessing that's supposed to be italicized. Still, if that's a thought, the following sentence also feels like it should be a thought. It's a little wordy in some places, but not bad. I'd get rid of "missing her by just inches" because we already know the barbs are that close, since they just whizzed by her ear. The description of her fellow agents might need to be reworded. Those are long phrases to stick in the middle and might lose some readers. 2. Thriller 3. Turn the page 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteHare — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:30:21 -0600

Polos are a brand of mints with a hole in them that are popular in the UK. I believe the US equivalents are Lifesavers.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kayth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:20:18 -0600

This was our fourth grave. Sixth, if I counted the ones for our parents, but we hadn't dug those – hadn't even seen one of them. I couldn't even cry anymore. My brother, Luca, sat cross-legged on my jacket, scratching words into a stone with our strongest knife. Our sister, Tara, leaned forward to read over his shoulder, as if she didn't already know what it said. We wrote the same thing on every gravestone. HERE LIES, with the person's name afterward. He jerked the knife to the right, starting the final line in his block-letter S. His hand slipped a bit, and he fumbled to adjust his grip. Then the knife fell from his fingers. “Curse it!” He grabbed his wrist right hand in his left, held them both near his face as a drop of blood fell towards the stone. I reached for a bandage, but Tara was already holding a cloth against his finger. He frowned as he watched her tie the rag around his thumb. “Were you waiting with a bandage already in your hand?” he asked, then shook his head. “That wasn't necessary, you know. Waiting a whole extra second won't make me bleed out.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nerrdygrrl15 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:22:57 -0600

Revision one out of... ten thousand? It doesn't take much effort to be abandoned by your parents and left to a children's home, but when your parents could conceivably dwell somewhere on the rings of Saturn, in the sky cities of Pluto, or even under the Blood Moon caves of Mercury, it's hard to understand why they'd drop you off in a cornfield not far off from Topeka, Kansas. There is nothing worse than the sudden, sharp realization you gain the moment you realize that, no, you do not have a mother and father and will likely not be able to find them for many years. This realization is made even worse when you subsequently realize that, because you are unfortunately not even human, it is unlikely that you will ever find your parents at all, what with the enormity of the planetary system that our microcosm of the universe is found in. However, for a particularly un-terrestrial 15 year old girl, these flickering thoughts are quickly replaced by the moaning and groaning of a star-bus, which, from the sky, rapidly approaches the launch pad where she and her peers are situated. A dark skinned boy points up at the bus, his eyes wide with excitement. As more children notice the bus hovering a mere 20 feet from the launchpad, some gesturing wildly to anyone in the immediate vicinity, April Madrid’s brain is filled with mundane thoughts once again, a swarm of Saturnian diamond flies stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group. “Do you think they’ll have Coke at the station?” whispers a distinctly girlish voice from slightly behind April. Another voice, deeper and scratchier but still decidedly female, replies, “You kidding? Why would they have Coke, of all things, in a city in the middle of space?” “I dunno,” the first voice replies, sounding defensive. “There’s always Coke.” April snorts in amusement then turns around slightly, hoping the pair hasn’t noticed her eavesdropping.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

BRuth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:15:33 -0600

Critique: I also like smallest Super Wal-Mart. I had no problem with the number of Davids, or "A" "D" or "G"s I don't think you need David or Susan's last name; it stuck out since Sid and Asher's last names aren't given. "Riding shutgun' - consider if this fits the narrative voice of the novel in general, if it does leave it in, if not, take it out.Try "Susan had offered several times to drive while he slept..." is there anything essential left out doing it that way? I like the first 2 paragraphs, I'd continue reading after that. The final paragraph you have here - I think "Willow and Jefferson" (leaving out "Avenue") flows better. I don't know if you need "distinction" in here, just establish that it's almost a one light town. I can't tell the genre, could be ya or adult, could be mystery, action. I think it's fine that it's not established yet. More needs to happen pretty quickly, and not with the remaining 6 in the van who have not yet been named (7 maybe, likely Asher is not a church member.) Maybe some hint of conflict among the 4 already introduced, maybe getting lost, but something. I'd have to see more to give a grade. I'd turn the page at this point; I wouldn't buy the book.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

OceanWater — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:44:25 -0600

NOTE: I wasn’t sure if they accepted fan fiction but I didn’t see anything saying otherwise so I went ahead and posted this. AND IN CASE NOBODY NOTICES: THIS IS A HARRY POTTER FANFICTION. ONLY CRITIQUE IT IF YOU HAVE READ HARRY POTTER BEFORE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. P.S: I will be posting this on a fan fiction website (once I get this all tidied up and edited). So please bear in mind, to anyone would be kind enough to critique, the targeted audience will already have a good sense of who everyone is and that stuff; ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH IF YOU WILL READ IT. And then Lace saw the newspaper. Splattered against the parchment were the words THE SECRET DAUGHTER OF HARRY POTTER AND CHO CHANG by Riya Skeeter. Lace groaned in horror before ducking into a bathroom. She knew everyone would be coming after her after this one. Her mum, Felicity Chang, was plastered against the paper, right under the picture of Harry Potter and Cho Chang, the wizarding celebrity’s apparent first love. Grandmum told her stories sometimes. Fantastic and wonderful stories of half a decade ago, featuring people she had only known from the television shows and documentaries. But most of all, she regaled her with tales of a tragic war, of a Hufflepuff boy who was so brave, and of course, of a certain boy named Harry Potter. Lace liked the stories of the Hufflepuff the most. Harry Potter, not so much; they already dedicated half a semester in 3rd year to him in History of Magic. Merlin! She even heard of a class dedicated to Harry Potter over at Durmstrang. She should know; Victoria Krum was her best friend. Her eyes then wandered another paper. This time she rolled her eyes. Aubine’s mother, Victoire Delacour, “graced” the page. Sigh. Typical.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:53:36 -0600

Love the concept. But did you realize that you have two "realizations" and two instances of "realizes" in the first paragraph! Perhaps it was intentional. Otherwise, your opening is nicely written. Personally, I would prefer not to see so many apostrophes in ordinary text. I tend to keep them for dialogue, where it is more important to make the conversation look real. Your placement of commas needs a bit of refining. The piece reads well, but a good basic rule is to insert a comma where, in speech, you would pause for breath. I would insert a extra comma in "nothing worse than the sudden, sharp, realization ..." "you do not have a mother and father, and will likely ..." I'm not sure about this sentence "As more children notice the bus hovering a mere 20 feet from the launchpad, some gesturing wildly to anyone in the immediate vicinity, April Madrid’s brain is filled with mundane thoughts once again, a swarm of Saturnian diamond flies stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group. " It's a bit long. It would split nicely into two: "As more children notice the bus hovering a mere 20 feet from the launchpad, some gesture wildly to anyone in the immediate vicinity. April Madrid’s brain is filled with mundane thoughts once again, a swarm of Saturnian diamond flies stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group." Lastly, a planetary system exists within a universe ... not the other way round. Genre: science fiction Age group: teen, young adult Buy or turn the page: turn the page Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:58:52 -0600

Just spotted something else. It's that long sentence again. May be split it into three. As more children notice the bus hovering a mere 20 feet from the launchpad, some gesture wildly to anyone in the immediate vicinity. April Madrid’s brain is filled with mundane thoughts once again. A swarm of Saturnian diamond flies was stinging her into submission, and, by definition, a conformity usually reserved for the human members of her tour group.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:10:27 -0600

Slightly revised Iris and her sister ate their main course without speaking. Eventually, Rose put down her knife and fork and blotted a spot of sauce from the tablecloth with her napkin. “I’m pregnant, you know”, she announced. The words surfaced in Iris’ consciousness as if waking from a dream, but she didn’t react immediately. She stared into her beer, her eyes fixed on the rising streams of tiny bubbles. Irritated by her lack of response, Rose persisted, “I’m going to have a baby!” Iris bit her top lip. In terms of appropriateness, “Who?” might have been a reasonable question but, as it was, “How?” probably wasn’t what Rose was hoping to hear. In a matter of moments, Rose’s expression changed from stunned to upset to angry. Throughout the dangerous liaisons of her youth, her flirtations, her protracted extrication from a disastrous marriage and many subsequent relationships, Iris had always been the rock on which Rose could rely for support. Now, when she needed her most, Iris had nothing helpful to say. Rose pushed her plate away and stood up. “I don’t know why I bother with you at all.” Iris made to stand, catching a neighbouring diner’s coat with her chair as she did so. In that instant, she realised how out of touch they had become, getting together only to exchange birthday gifts or, as in this case, Christmas presents. “Wait,” Iris reached for Rose’s arm, but it was too late. Rose was gone.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:23:44 -0600

So, the children seem to have lost their whole family but, to what?! You have my interest. Good start. Overall, I find this very touchingly written, about children forced into a situation where they are (perhaps overly) protective of each other against some hidden foe. Disease? War? I don't have any issues with your grammar or writing style, other than ... "He grabbed his wrist right hand in his left, held them both near his face as a drop of blood fell towards the stone." It looks a little clumsy. I tried to mimic the actions myself, and I couldn't quite work out what Luca was doing. Should it say He grabbed his right wrist in his left hand, and held them both near his face as a drop of blood fell towards the stone. Genre: Difficult one, not knowing what has caused the suffering. Could be science fiction or fantasy? Age group: it has a youthful theme so, teen/young adult? Buy or turn the page: Mmm, I might actually buy this one. Turn the page anyway. Grade: A Age

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:51:35 -0600

I'm sorry that my critique means nothing to you just because I usually don't read the genre. After all, this caught my attention enough that I would turn the page .... For me personally it's very important to root for someone quite fast, but everyone's different. I understand that you as the author might not see the need at this point, but for many readers it's very much needed. However, "head-hopping" (reading the thoughts and feelings of everyone and switching pov's for every paragraph in a scene) doesn't appeal to me - regardless of genre - and I would have said the same no matter if the genre was what I normally read.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:58:01 -0600

Thank you! OK, I got other critiques that said I needed some setting to ground the reader (though it was a different scene), so I did not dare to cut that second paragraph. Perhaps I could move it to a later place ... say, when it's hard to get out in a hurry because there's so much people in the way ... :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:46:10 -0600

1. Okay this is my first critique. I thought the paragraphs were very abrupt. I didn't exactly understand what Iris really did say to Rose after her big announcement... Overall I thought the language was very nice. I liked how you got me thinking about it. 2. Genre - realistic fiction? Age group - adult (not me :) 3. Buy it or turn the page - I would most likely turn the page because this one left me wondering what Iris would do next. 4. A- or 91

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:47:58 -0600

Revision 1 I can’t believe they’re gone. One minute, I’m the only son of a big city man and his simple wife, and then the next, I’m an orphan in the middle of New York City. Some might say that NYC is the best place on earth to get stuck as a newsboy. Sure, I was mentored by one of the most famous newsboys in history. Kid Blink himself just so happened to be my father. He taught me everything he knew. And then sent me to school so I could learn a bit more. But I can’t stay here. Everyone knows how my parents died. Or at least, they know the rumor of how they died. Now how am I going to get out of here? And where do I go? Everything is running through my head at once. I can’t think straight. And thinking is one of my specialties. The rag-tag band of newsies that cover the Manhattan section of this town every day since there were practically born is basically all I have at the moment. My dad was pretty popular, but just because a father is popular doesn’t mean that the son absolutely has to follow in his footsteps.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:50:21 -0600

Nihlus had never been to Earth and a part of him was frustrated at being so near, yet unable to land. He watched the attractive blue globe in its halo of blinking satellites and the desolate white moon next to it, quite alike a smiling human face. He smiled back at it. Earth was beckoning; he could almost hear it hum: come down, come touch me. Come smell me and taste me. Oh yes, he nodded, I will have to, one day. For the planet that gave birth to Humanity must be something special indeed. The L5 station was special in its own way. Originally built by the Alliance Space Marine Corps, it was designed to be practical and defensible – not beautiful. Nihlus could appreciate that; like most turians, he had a taste for simplicity. But the regular, predictable layout now housed the chaos of an overpopulated civilian spaceport. The Alliance had relinquished the station to contractors who retrofitted it into a sprawling trade center. Hundreds of holos and news-boards were hiding the straight lines, with imported flora filling the sharp angles, and each cubical contained a smiling merchant advertising wares from fine hanar liquor to batarian state arms.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:37:37 -0600

It may be your first critique, but you have given me food for thought. So thank you. The paragraphs are abrupt. But they're meant to be. My own view is that this little opening scene works like that ... However, if (as it says in the thread intro) 200 words is all you have to grab your reader's attention, may be I need to re-work my opening to show why. You are correct in that it is aimed at an adult audience. Both Rose and Iris are unmarried and 'getting on a bit' in years. They don't see much of each other, so the news that Rose is pregnant comes as a complete shock. Iris means to ask who the father is, but blurts out the wrong word and accidentally offends her sister. If anyone else feels like chipping in, please do.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:53:11 -0600

Wow! I just had to google “newsboy” because I wasn’t sure what you meant. Turns out I had it just right. This is a historical novel, right? Newsboys don’t exist any more. I’m thinking the deaths may be gangster related??? I like your style of writing. It’s quite similar to mine. (That’s intended to be a compliment.) I start lots of sentences with Ands and Buts. And you keep your sentences nice and short which kind of adds to the pace, as the reader doesn’t get lost mid-flow. But there are things you could tighten/tidy up a bit. There is something odd about your second sentence, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It may be because, to a Londoner like me, a “City man” has a different connotation, i.e. he works in the City of London and is probably a financier. But then, as you make the point that the boy’s mother is a simple woman, may be the former newsboy made good? Have a think about that sentence. Some capitalisation might help. There is a difference between a Big City man (a man who lives in the Big City) and a big City man (someone who is big in the City). The sentence itself is also a bit clumsy. I think it could be shorter and more punchy. As you commented in your critique of my piece, I tend to work in short, sometimes abrupt, paragraphs. I think you could insert a break between “And then sent me to school so I could learn a bit more.” and “But I can’t stay here …” You are essentially changing your train of thought, so a new paragraph would work. Equally, I would lose the paragraph between “Now how am I going to get out of here? And where do I go?” and “Everything is running through my head at once. I can’t think straight. And thinking is one of my specialties.” There is a typo in this sentence: “The rag-tag band of newsies that cover the Manhattan section of this town every day since there were practically born is basically all I have at the moment.” I think you meant “since they were practically born”. However, “practically since they were born” might be better. Also, in “My dad was pretty popular, but just because a father is popular doesn’t mean that the son absolutely has to follow in his footsteps.” It might be better to say “it doesn’t mean the son will automatically follow …” If you say “absolutely has to” it sounds as if the son is deliberately trying not to. Genre: (historical) mystery, thriller Age group: teen (though might stretch to young adult) Buy or turn the page: I’d turn the page out of curiosity Grade: A (I’ll bet you’re a star in class)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:34:00 -0600

Haha! Thanks! I really didn't think it was that good. Thanks for the stuff! I'll definitely change those few things. And yes, that was a typo (whoops). I was wondering about that city thing. Thanks for the insight there! I added the break between paragraphs and made the sentences you mentioned one paragraphs. Oh my gosh! An A?! I'm not exactly THE star, but I am A star if that makes any sense. Thanks so much!!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:42:38 -0600

Oh! Okay then I have one more thing. You might want to do something like italisize (spelling?) "Who?" instead of putting both "Who?" and "How?" in quotes. When I was reading through, I noticed that they were kind of equalized by those quotation marks, so my mind categorized them both as thoughts. I think if you want to get rid of that, you'd want to italicize one and leave the one she says in quotes. Another thing is that you never really clarify that she actually speaks something. You say: ...as it was, “How?” probably wasn’t what Rose was hoping to hear.... You could add something like: But that was what came out of her mouth. "How?" after the above.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:16:41 -0600

You misunderstand me. It wasn't that I dismissed your critique because you don't normally read this genre. Indeed, I revised my piece slightly to clarify the sisters' relationship earlier on and also, I hope, to make it a little more clear as to which is the dominant character in the scene. I don't think this is quite the same thing as a POV. I write as a narrator, rather than as if I was looking through the eyes of one of the characters. Each chapter has a dominant character. This chapter is Iris, the next could be someone else. It doesn't mean that I write the whole thing from a single person's POV though. Also, despite Rose's baby being the subject of the book, Rose is a fairly passive character. My comment about your critique was because, although you offered feedback, you undermined it with your comments about not liking that type of story and your uncertainties over age-group and grade. If you are going to critique something, nail your colours to the mast! It is rather disheartening to be given a "Hmmm. B? No idea, actually." Perhaps better just to critique the stories you think you might actually enjoy. Anyway, thanks for coming back to me. I appreciate it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:27:01 -0600

Thanks again. Yes, I can see that italicizing "Who?" would work. Re the dialogue, I think that's a style thing (hopefully). There's meant to be a bit of humour in this chapter (in the book, actually), so I'm hoping that the audience will get the jist and read on.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kayth — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:09:31 -0600

Thanks for the critique!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:12:02 -0600

Yikes! Sounds like they built the Arndale Centre in space. I'm really getting a taste for science fiction, hanging out in these forums. I like your humour - the little allusion to the Man in the Moon and his smiling face! I wonder what Turians look like. Are they humanoid? Do capitalize that first letter though. One talks of Turians, surely. Likewise, Batarian State arms and Hanar liquor, as you would for Cognac, Champagne, English, American, etc. Anyway, I am sufficiently interested to want to know if Nihlus makes it to Earth, and what the Earthlings make of him! Is retrofitted one word or two, retro-fitted? I find it easier to read as two. Genre: Science Fiction Age Group: YA/adult Buy or turn the page: Might buy

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:12:59 -0600

Oops. Forgot grade. A!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimg — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:12:30 -0600

I received word from the General today. His troops have dwindled quickly. The men are out of supplies and food, and have lost a good many soldiers. Between all of that, the confederates are approaching at a rapid pace. Right now, they also have to deal with the cholera that has infected them. I fear the General will lose this battle. He wrote of the men that lay in the swamp dying, with gnats and flies and blood sucking leaches all over their bodies. How helpless he felt as he had to leave them to die a slow painful death, for the Confederate soldiers were not far behind. He feels that he has covered enough ground now to be safely out of harm, stopping just long enough to get this letter off and let the remaining men rest and replenish themselves before the make their last trek to the camp. As I read and re-read his letter, I can't help but wonder if I have done the right thing as to being a military wife. How much longer will I be a wife to this man Even if death does not take him from me, the wages of war surely can. I have seen the men coming back from war, sitting on the porch stoops just staring ahead, unaware of the people around them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:37:35 -0600

Many thanks. I appreciate the advice on capitalizing; wasn't sure how to handle it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:40:27 -0600

1. Critique? The good: Solid writing, varied language, good formatting. I could see the faces and hear the voices and there's a definite feeling of growing tension. The exchange is brief but meaningful: it clearly sets up the pregnancy and the conflict between the sisters as the main topics of the novel. I especially like the third paragraph: clever and, somehow, very human. The not so good: It feels like it's plucked out from the middle of a longer, more elaborate scene. More of a page two or page three material. I couldn't see the scene, and I only realized that they were not alone in the last paragraph. Have to agree with the previous critic: the POV is confusing and difficult to follow. Nothing wrong with omniscient narrator in principle, but this particular piece of text would read much better from a fixed perspective. 2. Genre and age group? Family drama, adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page. 4. Grade? B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 18:26:36 -0600

1. Critique? The good: It got my attention all right. I want to know what the Tongues are and why they should be feared. There's a definite sense of unease and danger to the scene. I also like the interaction between the characters: it seems natural, like they've known each other for a long time, like you've known them for a long time. The not so good: The names are too complicated and unusual; can't "hear" them so I'd probably be skipping them till the end of the novel. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy or horror, YA or A. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 19:40:54 -0600

1. Critique? The first two sentences would make me put it down. It's too much of an abrupt jump into the story - you don't have to give miles of exposition first, but it sounds like you just jumped into the middle of the scene. Maybe just cut out the "And then?" That might fix it. I also don't like the format of the title. The whole thing - including "By Rita Skeeter" ought to be in quotes, and I don't think that you should capitalize it - maybe italics? Bold? I don't know. That's a personal preference, though. The next part would make me wish I had read on a bit more, though. It's not perfect, of course, but it's much better. The main problem I have is that you're throwing in all of these new non-canon characters, and I have no idea who they are or how they're related to each other. The first time I read it, I thought that Lace was the "secret daughter." I had to read it a couple times to figure out that Felicity is. And who is Lace's grandmum? Cho? That's what it seems like, but I don't know. You're throwing in names that I'm assuming are related to canon - Aubine, Victoria - but they're only serving to confuse me. Stick to one character or two, don't drop. (Also, I lived in England for quite a while, and never heard anyone call their grandma "grandmum" - but that could be a regional thing.) 2. Genre and age group? Fanfiction, YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd maybe read further, if I liked the summary. For me to read fic, though, the writing has to be amazing. This is good, but not great yet. Definitely has potential, though. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Hannah_S — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:44:15 -0600

unlike the others who have critiqued so far I actually quite liked the whole age thing, but mostly because it reminded me of another writer- Robert Rankin. It seems like the sort of thing that he would write, though it felt a little bit clunky. I liked that it did sound so childish and odd, though the working title for the show... I think if it didn't have the double use of 'Explosions' it would have sounded a little better in my head. I do feel very much like this is rather like a Robert Rankin thing, and so I probably would keep reading it, also because it sounds a little like Battle Royale at the same time. Work needs to be done to help it to sound a little smoother; it's just a bit clunky as I'm reading, but maybe you want it to sound that way for the age of the boy. So... yes, I'd turn the page Grade... uh... C at the moment, possibly a B if smoother... I don't know. Can't grade snippets!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:07:13 -0600

The dream was always the same. Images from Paul’s life flashed before him: getting fired, nights spent in fantasy staring at a glowing computer screen, the arguments with his wife… As the feelings of despair and hopelessness grew, he sensed what was coming and tried to fight it. His efforts were useless. Once more his subconscious dragged him implacably back to the worst moment of his life, when he had known he had finally lost it all. He stood in the driveway watching the car with his family drive away to their new home. His oldest daughter’s face was a white circle in the rear window as she looked back at him. Once more he felt his heart break, but still he couldn’t move. Despite the distance and the pane of glass, in the dream he could hear his daughter asking him in hurt confusion what she never had in life. “Why Daddy? Why did you fail us? Don’t you love me?” His throat clotted with screams of denial, to declare his love for her, but his traitorous body remained mute and still. Helplessly he watched the face grow smaller as the car drove away from him in that impossible drawn-out slowness that only happened in dreams.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Hannah_S — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:19:06 -0600

Martin was woken up that morning by the sound of someone knocking heavily on the door. He groaned and rolled over, dragging the covers over his head, and falling straight back into his dream. However, he wasn’t able to enjoy the dream for long as the covers were suddenly pulled back. “What the hell do you think you’re-” his voice broke off as he realised that the woman standing over him wasn’t one of the downstairs maids. He gave a yell, snatched the quilt from her hand and quickly covered up his lower regions. “Who the hell are you?” He might have just lost a little of his dignity, but he wouldn’t ever show it, even if he was naked barring a thin summer quilt. “I was expecting a lot more from the heir of the Kalmari name.” Martin was about to argue that he wasn’t that small when the woman glared at him, “Oh do stop thinking with your penis! What I meant was that I was able to come in here and take your covers from you and your only retaliation was to shout at me as though I was one of your staff.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:25:05 -0600

1. To hit the more obvious items first, I'd make it clear the first paragraph is a letter. Easily done by adding a date, signature and perhaps even a different font or italics in the final work. As it is now, the justiposition between the first two paragraphs is jarring. I'd switch sentence 4 and 5. Flows better, plus way it is now, makes it seem the confederates are having cholera. I'd also cut "between all of that." First I don't think "between" is the word you want, plus it ruins the short, efficient, brutal list of disasters afflicting the army. "Blood-sucking" is hyphenated correction: "...theY make their last trek.." sample rewrite of last section to save time. This is just as a means of showing some possible options for a re-write as well as correcting some puctuation, spelling, etc. "As I read and re-read his letter, I can't help but wonder if I have done the right thing in becoming a military wife. How much longer will I be a wife at all? Even if death does not take him from me, the wages of war surely will. I have seen the men coming back from war: once-proud lads reduced to sitting on the porch stoops just staring ahead, unaware of the people around them." 2. historical fiction/romance? age groups adult/YA. hard to guess from text yet. 3. I'd probably pass, but perhaps my wife would enjoy ;) 4. grade: C+ (sorry :( )

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:31:28 -0600

Good stuff. I wouldn't open with a dream, though; at least not the kind of dream that seems to follow an event that actually happened. Why not show the experience directly? Also, it doesn't sound like a dream. Not saying it's impossible to have a dream like that, where your whole life flashes before you and then you relive some traumatic event - everything is possible with dreams. What I am saying, is that most people don't dream like that. Dreams are usually confusing, unclear, and real people and events might be abstracted into symbols that don't relate obviously to the subject matter or the message. Have to say, this opening reminds me of a score of movies that start the same way: the hero watches his family die in some horrible accident that he can't stop. Sounds a little too familiar. Genre: suspense, urban, tragedy? Age group: adult Buy or turn the page: I might turn the page, but unless I found something very appealing and surprising there, I'd put it down. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

White Lily — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 05:04:16 -0600

Just a quick answer to say I've seen this ... And I also saw the slightly revised version you put up. Yes, it was "slightly" but to me it made a big difference. I like the new version much more :) Perhaps I should avoid grading things altogether. The vagueness on my part is mostly because I'm not familiar with a letter-grading system (and a 100 points version is also unfamiliar). I realize that a big A is as good as it can get - but that's about all.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:26:43 -0600

If I may chip in, I wouldn't disagree with any of what GaoYuQing has written. However, regarding the letter, the language/register doesn't sound quite right for the era/social position of the writer (an Officer?). I'm no expert. (I'm a Brit.) I'm just drawing on the sort of letters or decrees that sometimes used to appear at the beginning of old movies: think Errol Flynn, Douglas Fairbanks Jnr. (Obviously, soooooo historically accurate LOL!) I did once visit The Alamo, though, and have read Col. Travis' very emotive letter to the people of Texas. I can't help thinking that your Officer would not have used the expressions "Right now" or "deal with". They sound a little too present-day.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 08:50:33 -0600

Thanks for the feedback. I’ve re-written the beginning so many times it’s not even funny. It wasn’t even going to be a dream sequence to start with. That was included to actually simplify things. I think some of your comments might be answered by the following 200 words. The word limit hobbles what I can show. The dream quickly devolves into more surrealistic imagery. I find it interesting from the review I did, that unless you show a dragon or spaceship in the first 200 words, you can’t say what genre it is. Mine’s actually a fantasy. In light of your comment, “I might turn the page, but unless I found something very appealing and surprising there, I'd put it down.” I really wish I could show said next page and see if anything there surprised you and made you want to turn to page 3. I’m still dissatisfied with the beginning, and that might give me a hint if I’ve taken the wrong road. I could do so if you were game.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 08:52:42 -0600

Random comment, but I think that if you're using it as one of those phrases, I think it might come out better if you had it as "By Jacob's credit! This guy was fast!"

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 09:50:56 -0600

Thank you very much for your comments. I do that too, skipping over names I can't 'hear'! I will think about how to make them more accessible.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:11:56 -0600

I was puzzled by the word limit too, but it says at the start of this thread that 200 words roughly corresponds to what would actually appear on the opening page of a novel. Therefore, the idea is to catch the reader's imagination so that they actually want to turn the page and read on. Very important, if you want to snag an agent.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

IsikkahJai — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:20:25 -0600

Grammatically: It's...wordy. While I was reading I kept getting caught on things like 'abruptly thrust' and the long run-on sentences interrupted to flow of the story. The sentence structure is very staccato so a little more finesse there would make it an easier read. Also be careful of using too many variations of 'said'. While action words like "mumble" and "spat" are great to write--LIMIT them. Give us actions through your characters, not through HOW they speak. Writing 'said, replied and retorted,' aren't bad in abundance. Just be wary that too many action words will leave a reader cold and unable to immerse themselves in the plot. Flow: The transition between actions of the characters is too vague. It's all ACTION, no insight. Even something like: "I couldn't look at Jahn just now. I had to stay focused so I avoided his eyes and the look I know I would see in them." --would appeal the reader to your MC a little more. We want to know who he is without being told through dialogue only. Plot: It did make me want to read more. I definitely wanna know why these guys are going to a dangerous place to rescue their (friends?) I may just buy it, depending on how the novel continues. Overall grade: C But it had the potential to be an A with some tweaking.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

IsikkahJai — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:41:25 -0600

Grammatically: Well...let's see. The sequences between the character's actions is a little abrupt and poorly connected to one another. "Falling straight back into his dream" only to be woken up again isn't likely. Once a human wakes, it takes at least 7 minutes (scientifically) to go BACK to sleep after a disturbance and you gave us the impression that the woman walked over an immediately snatched the covers away. SO that was an inconsistency. Also, the repetition is a bad read. In the second paragraph you told us that the man snatched the blanket away and covered himself with the quilt, then told us he would never let us know his dignity had been hurt, even though he was only wearing a quilt. No need to press the point he was ONLY wearing a quilt. You did it again in the last paragraph when the woman repeated the actions you JUST WROTE in the paragraph, in her dialogue, almost verbatim. Revise your sentences a bit so that we don't get hung up on details like that. Flow. The scene was nice to read because it was slow. You were settled into a bedroom with a man and a woman and they were having a conversation. Not too much action and you really get the sense of the characters in a few short paragraphs. Nice job on that! Plot. I might turn the next page as long as there was something worth reading after it. I've read this same scene a dozen times or more so unless there was something unexpected or interesting that happened after Martin was coerced out of bed, I would put the book down. Overall Grade: C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:58:59 -0600

1. Critique - I actually like the 3rd person omniscient POV. I think getting both points of view builds the atmosphere of tense drama.. The narration lets the reader instantly appreciate the sisters' shared history, regrets, and misunderstandings. As Smehur said well, the brief exchange sets up the conflict between the sisters very neatly. It's like they want to be close, but are not good at it. In terms of creating a hook, you had me at "I'm pregnant". The only line that threw me was "in a matter of moments", but this could be due to my unfamiliarity with the expression-- is it British English? I can't tell what length of time it's supposed to convey, whether Rose's expression is changing very rapidly (in which case 'moments' seems too long) or whether an awkward silence is stretching painfully (in which case 'in a matter of ___' seems too short). But please ignore this if it's a common expression that I just don't know. 2. Genre - Literary fiction 3. Buy or turn page - Yes (Or are we supposed to choose one or the other? Seems there should be more options, to include 'don't turn page and put back in shelf'. And would 'turn page' mean that I am reserving judgement, or that I am so absorbed, I can't even pause to buy the book before continuing to read? In any case, I mean that yes, I would read this.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

IsikkahJai — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 11:22:08 -0600

Alright I need my ego deflated a little. Here's my EXCERPT: Hermione drummed her fingers on her arm, pacing the floor, her mind racing to find excuses to make her sister stay home. It’s all she’d been thinking about since they both had gotten the innocuous white envelopes two days ago. Geary had brought them in with the mail, still in her bleached white gi, sweaty from her training. “What are these?” she asked, tossing the rest of the bills and ads aside. Hermione’s eyes honed in on the square envelopes, flaring wide with apprehension when she caught the return address on the front. She checked the date on her cell pone and her heart began to stutter. No way, she thought frantically. It CAN’T be them. Not TWO of them. Before Hermione could stop her, Geary ripped open the expensive paper and pulled a thick card out, scanning the words printed in gold on the front. “Oh, hey. It’s a party in Boston! Hell yeah!” Hermione quickly turned away from the petite girl with the other envelope clutched tightly in her hands, horror in her eyes. She trembled the tiniest bit as she opened her own invitation, wanting to cry as she saw the identical gold lettering shining on the cream card. My god, it’s here, she thought woefully. And Geary has one too. This is BAD. VERY BAD.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Argentum — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 11:51:43 -0600

1. I read this as being from the perspective of the General's wife. She got a letter from the General, and is in the first several paragraphs conveying its contents to the reader. Did I misunderstand that? The ominous situation described by the General makes a good start. I instantly sympathize with the recipient of such a message. (Side note: it seems pretty obvious to me that this battle has already been lost, if the troops are being chased back to their camp and dying all along the way! But of course no-one likes to say 'we lost', so it makes sense for the wife to phrase this as fearing defeat.) I find the plight of the military wife intriguing, especially how her thoughts turn to whether her marriage was a mistake, rather than focusing on her husband's dire future. It's not 'oh no, my husband might die or be traumatized for life' but rather 'oh no, I married this guy'. 2. Historical fiction 3. Yes, I'd turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:22:32 -0600

Oh I understand that and it makes sense. What doesn't make sense is asking us to guess the genre and age group based on 200 words. As for the rest, smehur already said he'd turn the page, but he'd stop if that page didn't interest him. I was curious to know if that second page would give him what he wanted. It's this beginning of the book that's plagued me from the start and I'm still dissatisfied with it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:20:59 -0600

Gosh (now you can tell I'm British)! I didn't expect more critiques. Thanks a million. OK. I hadn't given any thought to POV, probably because I haven't ever written fiction before, so the jargon of "Writing" was rather lost on me. I took the whole thing over to the Writing 101 forum and some nice people there explained the difference between third-person omniscient and third-person limited. The majority view is that my switching back and forth between characters within the paragraph doesn't work, so (as I've done it throughout the whole manuscript) I'm going to have to go back and re-write a lot of it in a manner that it is easier to follow, but without losing my own 'style' that (in other writing) people seem to enjoy. My problem (as for everyone else) is the idea of a 200 word limit for the opening page. Reading on, I describe the restaurant setting. Iris and Rose had planned to go to the movies but the evening ends prematurely, with Rose storming out. May be "In a matter of moments" would be better as "In that moment" or "In a split second" (but that sounds to clichéed to me). Though I think I see where you are coming from. "I'll do it in a moment" has a rather indefinite ring to it, as if whatever it is might or might not get done at all. But I meant moment as in a split second, a fleeting moment ... This novel has become like a precious child to me, so it is probably best if I put it down and revisit it in the New Year, when I've had a chance to read up on some decent reference material. But, like they say in the movies, "I'll be back ..."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimg — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:35:25 -0600

Thank you very much, your criticism, I am very happy to get the c+ vs and F. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimg — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:48:07 -0600

Thank you very much for you advise and for Critiquing my work. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimg — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:49:52 -0600

You are right, the wife was re-hashing over the letter she recieved from her husband. And she was questioning whether she was strong enough to be married to this man. Thank you very much for critiquing it for me. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lilia Sparks — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:03:06 -0600

1. Wow!! I loved it! One thing I would do would be to italicize the thoughts. You might have actually done this already, but it doesn't show up on the site. You might also want to mention what kind of training Geary had just come home from. It might help explain what a "gi" is. And one last thing. I was slightly confused with the stuttering heart thing. When I see the word stutter, I usually think of stuttering while you speak. You could change that to another adjective/object of the prepostion/whatever part of speech it is. 2. Genre/Age Group - I'm thinking mainstream fiction/YA? (I could be so wrong.) 3. Buy or Turn Page - turn page. Most definitely. 4. A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

SushiSushi — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:31:47 -0600

1. As a fan of historical fiction in general, I'd probably read the blurb and flick through few pages if I saw this. The problem with the excerpt is that it is very short, and you cram in a lot of information in such a short space. Although the concept is interesting enough, I think that the "one minute I come from money, the next, I'm an orphan" is quite overdone as common in a lot of books. I'm not sure if I like the voice or not, so from the short excerpt I probably wouldn't pursue it. 2. Genre/Age Group - YA I'd guess. 3. Buy or Turn Page - Neither 4. C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:50:48 -0600

I basically agree with IsikkahJai, in that you could make a snappier scene with fewer words. I don't really have a problem with the repetition of actions, but you could be more creative with the vocabulary. Tighten up the grammar and get yourself a Thesaurus. I had no idea that it takes 7 minutes to go back to sleep after being woken. It may depend on how fully you have woken in the first place. My husband goes back to sleep within seconds of telling me to turn the alarm off. He will even thank me for a cup of tea and then wake half an hour later, when it's cold, not even realising I had brought him one! Also, it is documented that dreams that appear to go on for minutes or even hours actually only last seconds. So I think you can ignore this snippet of scientific trivia. IsikkahJai, I do HATE capitalisations. It looks like you're SHOUTING and really isn't necessary.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:24:45 -0600

It is a bit difficult to give a critique of fan fiction if you define it as such (see rules for posting at the beginning of the thread), as it doesn't give the critiquer much to go on. I have read a bit of Harry Potter and I love the films (but haven't seen the last two). The problem for me is that JK Rowling is as successful as she is because she is so clever with her language and vocabulary. That's why they produce two editions of every Harry Potter book: one with a children's cover design and one that is slightly less embarrassing for an adult to be seen reading on the Tube. If you want to compete, you need to broaden your vocabulary. JK Rowling would never write "everyone would be coming AFTER her AFTER this one", for instance. I'm not sure how the various Harry Potter characters refer to their parents. But Cinnamoon is right, I have never heard any British person refer to their grandma, granny, nan, nanna, nanny, or gran, as "grandmum". "Her mum, Felicity Chang, was plastered against the paper ..." sounds a bit messy. Like someone shot her with a pellet-gun. Not sure what you meant, but if you are trying to find a British expression for being on the front page of a newspaper, you could say "Felicity Chang was plastered all over the papers" and papers would have to be plural. You can't talk of someone only being plastered over one. It has to be ALL the newspapers! "... Cho Chang, the wizarding celebrity’s apparent first love." I don't think you mean "apparent". The literal meaning of "apparent" is "obvious", which I think may be the opposite of what you intend. People often say "apparently" when they are talking about something that may or may not be true, but if you use the word "apparent" it means that it is clear to see. You might be better using "rumored", e.g. "... Cho Chang, who was rumored to be the wizarding celebrity's first love." Hope that helps with some British input.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

IsikkahJai — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 20:26:23 -0600

Thanks for the critiques ^^ The thoughts in the original WERE italicized but Nano doesn't do that apparently. Hm. And just to clear something up....it's not an "adoption" story at all. The two girls were invited to a Party that LOOKED innocent on the outside but Hermione knew the truth behind it and didn't want her sister to go. They were actually being invited into a den of Wolves---literally. Like, a Pack of shape-shifting wolves. It's so hard to get anything clear across in 200 words. -.-U BUT THANK YOU SushiSushi and Lilia Sparks! Much obliged for the back pats ^^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

OceanWater — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:35:26 -0600

Thank you so so much! I really found the British comments to be useful (I'm Texan so obviously...I'm going to have some british stereotypes). And I'll definately try to find more british infomation online to make the story more "authentic". And the noncanon characters (I hope! XD) are quite limited actually since I have a small cast of characters. Just the people already introduced, and the grandchild of Malfoy, and Luna. I hope. "-"

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

OceanWater — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:03:10 -0600

THIS IS A HARRY POTTER FANFIC. THANK YOU. Rewrite One. It was like this ever since after The Great Victoire Delacour Scandal. The Daily Prophet since had hardly anything to write on due to the overall peace in the Wizarding World and alas, had sunken to new lows of writing about new Ministry regulations and laws. But a newspaper would be nothing without a touch of gossip and conspiracy to spice things up. This is where Rita Skeeter came in. Unfortunately for Lace, most of this gossip and conspiracy centered on her mother and occasionally her. And with the Ministry going on Winter Holiday break, Lace was finding that she had to duck into an empty classroom more and more often. Lace just knew that Grandmum would be laughing at her. Didn’t she always tell Lace the grand and fantastic stories of people, heroic and BRAVE people that she’s only seen on the TV and on documentaries? No matter how good, Mum’s raspberry muffin pies were, being the daughter of Felicity Chang had some drawbacks. Such as the pesky rumor that Felicity Chang was the love child of Harry Potter and Cho Chang; only half of that was true, namely the Cho Chang part.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:41:37 -0600

Thank-you for your reply and critique--all honest feedback is welcome! I appreciate your candor.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:03:49 -0600

Thank-you very much for your feedback. I especially appreciate your specific examples. This is definitely helpful for me. I'm always humbly gratified when someone takes their time and talents to give a constructive and thoughtful appraisal of my writing, which you did. You gave me honest criticism along with welcome encouragement--and that's a very nice combination. Thank-you again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:07:03 -0600

Thanks for your comments! I very much appreciate the encouraging feedback. Sorry it took so long to reply back to you...I've been 'out of the loop' for a while, but it was good to get back to here.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:10:23 -0600

Sorry! My reply (above) jumped out of place!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ruperts5 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:11:24 -0600

Thanks for your comments! I very much appreciate the encouraging feedback. Sorry it took so long to reply back to you...I've been 'out of the loop' for a while, but it was good to get back to here.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:35:35 -0600

Several things wrong here. 1. Run your stuff through a spell check. 2. How does one's eyes flare? I've heard of people's eyes widening, but flaring? That's new. Same with a stuttering heart. I know you want to illustrate a point, but I would advise using a better word choice. 3. Utilizing caps makes me think that your character has some sort of disorder where they intermittently shout. Use italics for emphasis. I'm not sure how I feel about the voice/prose here. It's not poorly written at all, though. GRADE: C (75/100) PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: Reluctantly turn the page. GENRE: YA.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:03:54 -0600

BTW - something I meant to write - the reason I don't use 'enemy' is because he doesn't just kill one person. He can kill groups of people if he has to. Party seems as though it would be more appropriate in this case. Thusly basically boils down to 'As a result'.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:04:46 -0600

And with *he, in that prior response, i meant 'they', as in hitmen.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:13:09 -0600

Wow, I just did your blurb. A good way to continue. It was like this ever since after The Great Victoire Delacour Scandal. Chane this to It was like this ever since "The Great Victoire Delacour Scandal." The Daily Prophet since had hardly anything to write on due to the overall peace in the Wizarding World and alas, had sunken to new lows of writing about new Ministry regulations and laws. Since the scandal, The Daily Prophet lacked for stories to write due to the peace in the Wizarding World, and sunken to new lows by covering new Ministry regulations and laws. But a newspaper would be nothing without a touch of gossip and conspiracy to spice things up. Without gossip and the occasional conspiracy theory to spice things up, The Daily Prophet didn't amout to much." This is where Rita Skeeter came in. This is good. Unfortunately for Lace, most of this gossip and conspiracy centered on her mother and occasionally her. Unfortunately for Lace, much of the new gossip centered around her mother and occasionally her, and with the Ministry going on Winter Holiday, Lave found herself ducking into empty classrooms more and more often to avoide the quill of Miss Skeeter. Lace just knew that Grandmum would be laughing at her. As she crouched, hidden, in one of the classorrms, Lace could only imagine her grandmother laughing at her cowardice. She would remember the grand and fantastic stories of heroic and brave people her Grandmother would tell her, and she knew that she paled in the comparison. No matter how good, Mum’s raspberry muffin pies were, being the daughter of Felicity Chang had some drawbacks. Such as the pesky rumor that Felicity Chang was the love child of Harry Potter and Cho Chang; only half of that was true, namely the Cho Chang part. Okay I want to change things here, but I don't know where the raspberry muffin pies fits in here, especially as there is a comma splce that confuses the sentence. Here is what I would do though--thinking that the muffins should not be there. Being the daughter of Felicity Chang definitely has drawbacks, namely the pesky rumor that Rita Skeeter started hinting that Felicity was the love child of Harry Potter and Cho Chang. only half of that was true, namely the Cho Chang part. I think it is better if you just cut this part out. It's not bad. It needs some tightning and rewording, but that is nothing to ever, ever get discouraged about. This is the most fun part of the writing process. This is the point where we can experiment as writers and see what works and what doesn't and realize that what we thought would never work sometimes does. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:33:42 -0600

I don’t know why I'm looking at her. I put the blanket back over her body and she turns and pulls the blanket with her pulling it off of me. I am just as naked as she is under the covers, but my being naked with her doesn't bother me. For a moment I think of lying back down and wrapping myself around her, feeling every bit of me press against her warm skin, but the thought leaves me as I see the clock turn from 6:59 to 7:00. I overslept. When that realization hits me, I feel guilty about last night. It usually takes longer for the guilt of sleeping with Heather to set in, usually a day or two after she's gone. Today's different, and I don’t like it. I stand up and see myself in the mirror. I don’t want to look at the person in it, but I do, and I give her the finger. A shower is what I need now, a nice hot shower. It takes a few minutes for the water to steam, and when it's ready, I step into the heat. I feel the guilt streaming off of me as the water runs down my body and into the drain. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Smehur — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 03:55:29 -0600

I agree about guessing the genre and age group. It's not something you normally do. The word limit is there for a good reason: you go to the store, pick up a book, and read the first paragraph or two to see it you'll get hooked. But the books in the store are already sorted by genre and age group - no guesswork involved there. You wouldn't even pick a book from a genre you're not interested in. See, had I known your opening was tor a fantasy, I wouldn't have thought it was stereotypical. And sure! Go ahead and PM me with a longer excerpt if you want. Hope it's not rude to ask, but I'd like to hear your opinion on my opening (several posts up).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:06:01 -0600

“Will you marry me?” “No.” “...Why not?” “Who even does marriage? Are you kidding me? Have you been getting into my potions again? You're not a witch, you know they just make you strange.” “But...you're pregnant.” “So?” Alex sat there on one knee, baffled, because marriage was what you did with a baby on the way, but it was clear Joy had already moved on in her head. “I'm out of anything that I actually want right now, so I think we should go to Kiki's for dinner. Why are you still on the floor?” He stood up and put the ring back in his pocket, feeling a little dumb. “Okay, we can do that. I just wanted to...I don't know.” “What, make an honest woman out of me?” Joy laughed and stood up, kissing Alex on the cheek. “That's cute.” She was about four months pregnant, just enough that she'd gone up a size or two in jeans and had a little bit of a roundness happening. It wasn't quite obvious yet that she was pregnant, but Alex could never keep his eyes off the growing bump.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 06:14:50 -0600

Oh, poor Alex. How crushing! I like your style very much. Nice, crisp, credible, dialogue. Can't think of anything particularly negative. May be it doesn't look quite like the absolute beginning of a book. Someone said my opening scene looked as if it should happen on the second or third page, and I think you may have a similar issue. But I'll leave that for other, more experienced, writers to judge. BTW, if Joy's pregnancy/baby is a major part of the story, and you haven't experienced pregnancy yourself (as I haven't), you might find this site useful for all sorts of pregnancy, baby and toddler info: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy?intcmp=tnav_preg_main. Genre: Fantasy (Joy's a witch, right?) Age Group: YA Buy or turn the page: Might buy. Definitely turn the page. Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:45:00 -0600

Good call! I suspended disbelief too much ;)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:50:00 -0600

Sent. And goodness, that's not rude at all. I've just been tied up with work and reading some of my beta reader's manuscripts. I'll do it first chance I get today. I wish I could do more :P

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Katie-alford — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:58:29 -0600

It's a nice active start and it is a great introduction to the characters personalities, particularly Joy's. I think the scene needs a bit of establishment, however. There is no indication as to where this scene is taking place. I'm gathering it is indoors, perhaps in Joy's home as she talks of going out to dinner. It would be easy enough to let the reader know a few details, like, you say Alex is kneeling on the ground, a quick addition of the whether it is tiled, carpeted or lino, would give the reader a quick clue; as lino or tiles would indicate a kitchen scene, whereas carpet would suggest more of a front room or bedroom. Just one or two words here and there could paint a much stronger picture in the readers mind. Like I said, I love the characters. It is really easy to feel pity for Alex straight off as he is clearly trying to do what he thinks is right, and it is a strong show of character that Joy turns him down. I find it fascinating as to her reasons. It makes you wonder if she really is just not the marriage type or if she just realises that Alex is only proposing out of duty. It is a great introduction to plot and characters, I think. Keep it up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Katie-alford — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:59:43 -0600

Head bowed and hands together in prayer, the pope knelt silently in reverence on a large golden cushion before the altar of God. Around him glittered signs of God’s wealth on earth, with the walls of his chamber decorated with golden pillars and arches. An intricate mosaic floor, stretched below while finest and most biblical of alfrescos were painted into the many arched recesses which housed sideboards of religious relics and jewel encrusted artefacts. Silently, he reflected on the benevolence of God, of his all encompassing will and love of all mankind. But then something detracted from his prayers. A strange humming, whirring noise. Opening his eyes, the pope gazed up above the glittering altar of his maker to the statue of a golden Jesus Christ on a wooden cross. As his heart filled with admiration for the selfless perfection of the Son of God, the statues head moved, its eye line turning from the distant door, to fall directly on the pope himself. The pope knelt breathless. Here was a true miracle, one worthy of eternal remembrance; the Son of God looking upon him through his image on earth. His head buzzed and swam, the emotional impact nearly overwhelming his senses, and then the true miracle happened. The Son of God spoke unto the pope. “Faithful servant of the lord,” the Son of God began, in a strangely tinny sounding voice which nevertheless carried great command and decorum. “Hear the words of thy maker!” The pope opened his ears and heart, ready to receive these holiest of words. “The great father takes all mankind to his bosom in love and eternal salvation. Hence forth, every seventh day is to be a true celebration of his benevolence. Free ale for all!” The pope blinked. “F…Free ale…” He dare not question the word of God but…

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GaoYuQing — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:00:16 -0600

Remember to capitalize race names like Turians. Perhaps hanar and batarian as well? In your second sentence, think the switch to “WITH the desolate” will help the flow. I’m confused what looks like a smiling human face? The moon? The way it is now, it’s not clear and my mind spent a couple seconds trying to puzzle it out. Use a different word than “alike” perhaps you meant “akin?” Perhaps you need to isolate the moon reference into a sentence of its own to reduce confusion. I trust in your original MS, you have the “come down,” etc in italics. Your second paragraph seems fine to me. Genre Sci Fi Age group: YA/Adult Buy: perhaps. I tend to judge based on dust cover or back of book synopsis though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:41:10 -0600

There are a couple of stylistic things I would change these opening paragraphs. Head bowed and hands together in prayer, the pope knelt silently in reverence on a large golden cushion before the altar of God. This feels like a split infinitive, but not exactly. I would change it to: Head bowed and hands together in prayer, the pope knelt in silent reverence on a large golden cushion before the altar of God. Around him glittered signs of God’s wealth on earth, with the walls of his chamber decorated with golden pillars and arches. Around him glittered signs of God's wealth on Earth. The walls of His chanber were decorated with golden pillars and arches. An intricate mosaic floor, stretched below while finest and most biblical of alfrescos were painted into the many arched recesses which housed sideboards of religious relics and jewel encrusted artefacts. Here we have a comma splice. You must be aware of where commas go, putting them in where they should not be is a big no no. Also alfresco is a type of food serving. I think you meant fresco which is painting in wet plaster and then letting it dry. An intricate mosaic floor stretched below one of the finest and most Biblical of frescos painted into the many arched recesses which housed sideboards of religious relics, and jewel encrusted artifacts. (I don't even like my own re-write. It feels like a run on sentence.) Silently, he reflected on the benevolence of God, of his all encompassing will and love of all mankind. Silently, the pope reflected on the benevolence of God, of His all encompassing will and love of all mankind. But then something detracted from his prayers. A strange humming, whirring noise. A strange humming, whirring noise detracted him from his prayers. Opening his eyes, the pope gazed up above the glittering altar of his maker to the statue of a golden Jesus Christ on a wooden cross. Opening his eyes, the pope gazed up above the glittering altar of his maker to the golden statue of Jesus Christ on the cross. As his heart filled with admiration for the selfless perfection of the Son of God, the statues head moved, its eye line turning from the distant door, to fall directly on the pope himself. Here we have some possession errors and another comma splice. As his heart filled with admiration for the selfless perfection of the Son of God, the statue's head moved, it's eye line turning from the distant door to fall directly on the pope. Here was a true miracle, one worthy of eternal remembrance This was a true miracle, one worthy... His head buzzed and swam, the emotional impact nearly overwhelming his senses, and then the true miracle happened. You said one like ago that the turning of the head was the true miracle. Which one is the true miracle. Gotta fix that. “Faithful servant of the lord,” the Son of God began, in a strangely tinny sounding voice which nevertheless carried great command and decorum. “Hear the words of thy maker!” Oh adjectives and adverbs. I think it was Stephen King that said the path to hell was paved with adverbs. While I would never raise him up the the highest writing standard, here is he correct. Adverbs, and adjectives are many times (yes I see the irony there) unnecessary and you have two in a row here. Take one of the out, and I would suggest strangely. The pope opened his ears and heart, ready to receive these holiest of words. ....these Holiest of words. “The great father takes all mankind to his bosom in love and eternal salvation. Hence forth, every seventh day is to be a true celebration of his benevolence. Free ale for all!” "The Great Father... to His bosom..." just capilalization concerns. It is good. I like the Free ale for all, and it makes me think that whimsy might ensue. Would I tun the page, probably. Writing: a solid C (I can't forgive comma splices.) --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:19:20 -0600

[ the statue's head moved, it's eye] Still its. Possessive version of it becomes its. It's always means it is.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:23:09 -0600

On this warm day we listen to the music coming from the radio of our light blue VW Volkswagen. I spread the seeds in the bare planters while my mom waters the lawn, dressed in her shorts and pink and gold flowered bikini top. Not knowing all the words to the song that’s playing, I hum most of it, joining in to sing “…she’s an American girl…” when I hear it coming. It’s happy. It reminds me of my father and how on hot summer evenings we used to stand in the shade of the big tree by the front sidewalk, belting out Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel at the top of our lungs, he with a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other; me with my tumbler of cherry Kool-Aid. I continue to throw the seeds, watching as a big yellow car with a white vinyl top pulls up to the curb and parks. Shiny black shoes exiting first, a uniformed serviceman soon follows, standing under that same big tree. Reaching back into the car, he pulls out a hat and puts it on his head with a slight twist of the brim to ensure it is secure before smoothing down his jacket. He smiles as he crisply walks towards the attractive woman watering the lawn, his arms seemingly hinged at the elbows. My mom turns off the water and smiles back at him coyly. Putting down the marigold seeds, I quietly walk back into the house. In my small room, I kick the truck out of the way and look at the picture that was taken last Christmas, the Christmas he left. I think how handsome he is with his long hair and leather-fringe vest, holding up his fingers in a peace sign. He was still living with us then. Still smiling. “Remember, you can be anything you want to be,” he said to me as I opened the present containing the truck. “You can even be the president of the United States if you want to. Don’t ever forget it.” I didn’t tell him that I was disappointed that it wasn’t a Betsy Wetsy, the peeing doll – or even remind him that I was a girl, not a boy. But now I’m glad I didn’t, glad there wasn’t time for me to say those words before that one last argument with my mom. Before he left, driving off for the last time in his red convertible, that last time he left my mom sobbing on the floor.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:25:05 -0600

I shifted where I lay, trying to find a comfortable position, but it seemed impossible. Slowly opening my eyes, I fastened them on the stone floor beneath me, blinking a few times in an attempt to clear my eyes of sleep grit. I would have used my hands, had they not been manacled behind my back, a chain going up to my neck to the collar there as an extra measure to prevent me from slipping my bonds. Rolling over onto my side, I pushed myself up as best I could with my elbow and with a lot of effort and wriggling got myself up into a seated position. “Not so proud now, are you?” a scornful voice said, and I turned my head to the barred window on the heavy door where a face looked back at me, upper lip curled in disdain and hatred. She spat toward me but thankfully missed. “You should give thanks to the Goddess that you’re not dead yet, but you need not hope overly much. You’ll soon stand trial for all your atrocities, and you won’t escape your just punishment.” Thank the Goddess? I scoffed, and would have spat as well if my mouth hadn’t been so dry.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Katie-alford — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:01:05 -0600

Well, thanks for the in depth edit. I think it's pretty obvious I haven't edited it since NaNoWriMo started. I was more interested in whether people could guess the genre rather than its technical correctness. The main thing that worries me about the piece, is that its start it might not feel in keeping with its genre.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tyrfing — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:38:44 -0600

The sun was piercing down yet again, wearing down refugees and guards alike. They were growing restless. Would they stay outside for another Night? Disputes had started arising just a day ago, ending with the death of another refugee. Stabbed. A useless death, only stirring up more trouble. Fennel still saw the images vividly. The blood running down on his blade. He had not meant to kill. “Take us in! Just look around, we are left to die. Food for the Night. Isn't that all we are?!“ the man had shouted at Fennel. He had been sturdy, probably one of the many workers in the oilfields, with arms thick enough to strangle a man single-handedly. “How many of us were allowed to enter the city today, HA?! A handful? Two handfuls? We marched here, all on our own. Marched five days straight without pause. D'you know what we have lost?! How many have died?!“ He had started approaching Fennel, closing in until only a hand-span set them apart. His breathing had been heavy; his face a mask of anger, distorted and twisted. I should have calmed him down. Or at least said anything at all. But his mouth had proven unable to move. He had been too scared - of the giant building up right in front of him, of the chorus of furious voices

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

IsikkahJai — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:59:49 -0600

*SIIIGH* Nano doesn't DO italics, as posted in comments above---twice. In the original, her thoughts WERE italicized. And the 'capped words' were thoughts---ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE ITALICIZED. Please READ before commenting. Repetition is tiresome -.-U PS---"flaring eyes" is when a character's/person's eyes widen for a quick second in alarm or challenge and then return to normal. It's an actual phrase and an real action. And yes..."stutter" was supposed to be "flutter".

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:48:42 -0600

Going to break something down to you. Do not explain yourself. Instead of you harshly critiquing other people's writing styles, and when someone comes down on you, you suddenly become upset. You need to sit down, be quiet, and take it. Read the rules stated here. You're pretty damn well discrediting yourself by sitting back and whining and telling other people to read when you didn't do either.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:51:12 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:52:03 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:08:43 -0600

I like it - it flowed well, was easy to understand and painted a picture nicely. Genre: Historical Fiction or Fantasy Age Group: YA or Adult Buy or turn the page: Might buy. Definitely turn the page. Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:11:55 -0600

There is something about this that I find really interesting...oh, I know what it is... I really liked this line... It intrigued me, made me want to find out more. "“Take us in! Just look around, we are left to die. Food for the Night. Isn't that all we are?!“ the man had shouted at Fennel." Genre: Fantasy or Historical Fiction Age Group: YA or Adult Buy or turn the page: Might buy. Definitely turn the page. Grade: B+ (I think you can improve on the structure, format. I like what you are righting though - the way you are painting the picture)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:27:50 -0600

I'm reading something potentially very moving into your opening. I'm thinking that the uniformed serviceman has an unpleasant duty to perform. If I'm right, the last two paragraphs of your piece work very well. However (and this does very much depend on my interpretation of your piece), I'm not at all sure about the first two paragraphs. They just don't speak "peace and love" to me in the way that the flower power generation should. I think (and, again, this is based on my interpretation) you would do well to go back and watch a load of Woodstock videos and films of the era and get a real feel for the times. You could just about get away with the second paragraph if the first, "we listen to the music coming from the radio of our light blue VW Volkswagen. I spread the seeds in the bare planters while my mom waters the lawn, dressed in her shorts and pink and gold flowered bikini top", wasn't so superficial. I'm not quite sure how to fix this, except that you need less description of the fashions and icons of the era and more of the mood. This is going to sound harsh, but unless this was very well written or something pretty exciting happened in the next couple of pages, I'm not sure that I wouldn't put this back on the shelf. That said, it could work. But it needs real emotions and a feeling for the era. Genre: Mainstream fiction Age group: Adult Buy or turn the page: Needs revision Grade: C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:56:22 -0600

P.S. You and I aren't a world away in terms of age, just in case you're wondering.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

OceanWater — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:00:48 -0600

Wow! Long review thanks! Very helpful, and I will most definately take some of the suggestions. Thank you so much!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Geolie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:13:31 -0600

I appreciate it. It is actually set in 1977, not the Woodstock era. I need to clarify that somehow, but thank you for your comments. : )

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:24:10 -0600

OK. But don't change your opening to emphasise the era. I interpreted it incorrectly. That's my problem. Don't waste your opening paragraphs on the reader's interpretation, just get their interest! The context will sort itself out in a few pages anyway.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shdwpoet2 — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:34:42 -0600

She walked down the snow covered sidewalk, the steady crunch of her footsteps loud in the still air. Snow was still falling; white flakes against a lead grey sky. She glanced at the houses she passed, noting the lit windows and wondering if anyone would think to look out and see her passing by? Maybe she was nothing more than a ghost and there was nothing for them to see. She came to the corner and turned left to walk up the rise that led the bridge over a little creek. She stopped to stare into the black water passing below. Her eyes drift along with the sluggish current until the waterway swings right and disappears behind a stand of trees. Between her and the trees lies a long expanse of unbroken snow glistening in the subdued light. It reminded her of a bed covered in a clean white comforter, not even a leaf marring its pristine surface. She remembers hearing of people who died in the snow. They simply went to sleep and never woke up again. She could do that. She turned eleven today.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:50:19 -0600

I actually like how you wrote this. It paints a very beautiful picture, and I like the picture that I'm seeing. It's very pleasant, especially considering that it's cold and snowy here. With that said, there are a few things that I noticed. 'Her eyes drift along with the sluggish current until the waterway swings right and disappears behind a stand of trees.' It seems as though you're changing your tense, from something that she did do to something that she is doing, and then it goes back to the original tense, though I'm unsure of this is a stylistic decision or just an error. It starts off quite slow, but I'm a fan of things starting off slowly. I think that a reader that likes to have a bunch of sparkle and must have something to grab their attention wouldn't care for this, but you have at least one person who likes it. GRADE: A- (90/100) GENRE: YA PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: Turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shdwpoet2 — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 04:12:05 -0600

Thank you for the kind words, Your right about that line, it should have read; 'Her eyes drifted along with the sluggish current until the waterway swings right and disappears behind a stand of trees.' As you noted, this changed the tense and thus the feeling of the narrative as set by the first sentence. This was an editing error on my part. The original story was too long and needed to be trimmed to fit into the 200 word limit. Except for this mix up, I think the editing was a good thing as the original was too long and word heavy. As it stands, this is a much cleaner, tighter read.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kcde — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:23:55 -0600

This was it, Will Beckett thought to himself. This was the end. He was never, ever forgetting his chemistry textbook at school ever again. He would go to the library first thing after class and make a photocopy of every single page if he had to. Assuming he hadn’t been suspended, or expelled. Will had absolutely no idea what happened to students that handed their assignments in late. He had never missed a deadline in his entire life. What was supposed to have taken him all weekend was now being hastily finished in the few minutes left before the bell. It was impossible to concentrate. Everyone else in the class had already completed their assignments, or didn’t care, and were chatting animatedly with their friends, rehashing the events of the previous weekend – the football team had won, again, and according to the girls in the corner, Tom Campbell had thrown yet another legendary party. To Will’s left, Jack Malarkey was nonchalantly explaining how he had “accidentally” set a teacher’s car on fire. And Will still couldn’t remember the rules for significant digits.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lindsey1295 — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:41:14 -0600

Funny and clever, if just a tad unbelievable. But if the rest of your story is over-the-top and neurotic and funny, it could work. You have a great sense of pace and good, subtle juxtaposition. It seems like a solid YA, mid-teens story. I would read the next page. Overall grade: A- Nice work!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lindsey1295 — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:44:42 -0600

Sophia Tun sat in one of a row of orange plastic chairs across from a young mother who was breastfeeding her baby. Sophia was an older woman, almost 64, brown and strong with ropy arms and a face that looked like wet clay. She wore a dress she had owned for a dozen years and her haired was in two braids that merged into one down her straight, narrow back. She looked completely incongruous in a modern airport, in a way that a photographer might notice, an interesting irony. One of her plastic flip flops was broken, and she had repaired it with piece of medical tape she had in an old first aid kit under the sink in her bathroom. She was dozing when the smiling mother sat down across from her--the baby, whose sex Sophia couldn't guess, had the cashew shape of a newborn. The corners of Sophia's mouth turned as she wondered whether air travel was safe for such a tiny creature. She had been told that her ears would feel like they were expanding on the plane, and she hoped the baby could handle the pain and prayed it wouldn't suffer any permanent damage.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:36:14 -0600

The description of Sophia is interesting. I want to know who she is, and the little details you throw in about her thoughts give her a sense of character. I especially like the touch about the flip flops being fixed up with medical tape. Still, I thought that sentence could have been phrased better. Maybe say, "... with a piece of medical tape FROM the old first aid kit..." Saying "she had in" isn't confusing enough to stop the reader, but it did slow me down, some. Another thing I thought could have been done better was passage of time. You say in the first sentence that she's across from the mother with the baby, then go over when the mother sat down, all in the same tense, kind of. Maybe use "She had been dozing..." to make sure we know it's the same mother and baby. I'm also not sure why she's in the airport, since she's obviously never flown before, but I'm sure that's something the back cover would tell me. The whole thing is very languid and serene, which I DO like. You might want to play around with varying sentence structure some. A couple other little nitpicks - you start a lot of your sentences with the word "she," which just gets a little boring. You typoed hair as haired. Which direction do the corners of her mouth turn when she's thinking about the baby? I also feel like this could be separate paragraphs, the ideas in it seem so distinct, with the second paragraph starting at, "She was dozing..." And, since I feel like I've been super harsh, my favorite bits: "..a face that looked like wet clay." The entire thing about her flip flops - it's just such a nice touch. It shows instead of tells, and it's a wonderful image, too. "...the cashew shape of a newborn." You have very nice imagery. Genre: I'm going to say adult, realistic fiction, but only because there's nothing to make me think otherwise. There's something mysterious about Sophia. Buy it or turn the page: Unless the next few paragraphs or back cover were really good, I wouldn't buy it, but I'd probably turn the page. Grade: B+. The writing is good, but it could be hookier, if you can consider that a word for the purposes of this critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:39:31 -0600

A lot of things changed when Hell came to Earth. How could they not, when things of nightmare appeared and tore the sky asunder? Towering monstrosities began to roam the wastelands which had so recently been fertile ground and nightmarish beings killed the unwary. Humanity didn't die out, of course. We're like cockroaches that way, always coming back just in time to be hit once more, because as soon as we started to adapt to the demons, the angels came. And no matter what anyone thought things would be like, the angels were far, far worse. But I don't think we'll ever die out fully. Not from this, at least, and not soon. It happened fast, faster than you'd think possible. One day there were cities, the next smoking ruins. And things rose from the ashes. Oh, did they ever. When the demons came to town they brought out the extremes in humanity. There were acts of incredible kindness committed next door to atrocities even the demons shied from. That's why, whenever I go out, I wear two big fuck off guns and my ass kicking boots.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 19:44:13 -0600

[quote=Alamorn] A lot of things changed when Hell came to Earth. How could they not, when things of nightmare appeared and tore the sky asunder? Towering monstrosities began to roam the wastelands which had so recently been fertile ground and nightmarish beings killed the unwary. Humanity didn't die out, of course. We're like cockroaches that way, always coming back just in time to be hit once more, because as soon as we started to adapt to the demons, the angels came. And no matter what anyone thought things would be like, the angels were far, far worse. But I don't think we'll ever die out fully. Not from this, at least, and not soon. It happened fast, faster than you'd think possible. One day there were cities, the next smoking ruins. And things rose from the ashes. Oh, did they ever. Your story starts here When the demons came to town they brought out the extremes in humanity. There were acts of incredible kindness committed next door to atrocities even the demons shied from. That's why, whenever I go out, I wear two big fuck off guns and my ass kicking boots. [/quote] Critique: First two paragraphs are fluff and it's a rough start. Genre: Fantasy. Not clear on the age group. Grade: If you start it where you have it, then it's a C-. If you start it where I put the marker, then it's clearly starting out to be an A. Get to the character voice faster--it's what ties us to the story.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lindsey1295 — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:14:21 -0600

Thanks! there were two paragraphs, actually...don't know why the format changed. I don't like the whole mouth-corner-turning thing either. And yes, I agree, too many "she" sentences. Great notes for the second draft!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arlette — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:54:33 -0600

There are few memories burned as clearly in my brain as the day I was cured. I was 20 years old and rounding the corner into what would undoubtedly be the final and worst decade of my life. The Disease, the killer pointing a gun at the head of every man, woman, and child in all of human history, had disengaged the safety and had its finger on the trigger for me. I couldn't move a muscle without being reminded that I was dying. On this particular day, however, I was hardly concerned with my inevitable death in the next ten years or so. Far more pressing was the immediate fact of my impending starvation. I had just come back home after failing to make the hover derby team in Laii City. Trying out was a stupid, desperate attempt to dig myself and my kid brother Andy out of poverty. The Disease was what did me in, and it was really no surprise that I failed. Sure, I had been the best on my home team, but I was an old lady by their standards, not able to move with the fluidity and precise control of younger, healthier skaters.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arlette — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:04:40 -0600

Overall, I really like this. I have a couple nitpicks, though: -"Disputes had started arising"- Can you say this a bit stronger? People are dying, after all. -"Fennel still saw the images vividly. The blood running down on his blade." I would punctuate this differently. -"...the city today, HA?!" I'm not sure caps are necessary. Also, I would use "huh" instead of "ha". -"Two handfuls?" This is an odd expression. -"I should have calmed him down." He, not I. -"His mouth had proven unable to move." Another odd expression. There are more nuanced ways of conveying this idea that have a clear connotation of fear. Genre: Fantasy. Not sure on the age group, but probably on the older side. Turn the page: Definitely. I'm really intrigued. Grade: 88 or so (B+).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arlette — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:15:06 -0600

Humor, right? If it's not humor you have a problem. He's so obsequious, I want to gag...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kcde — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:01:45 -0600

I kept scrolling past this on the page and it caught my attention every time, so I figured I had to read it at least once. I do agree with the above posters that it needs a little more establishment, something that makes it seem like just a random part of the book, but I'm also a really big fan of just jumping into things and letting all that leak out as you go along, so I think you could probably keep the beginning as is and just throw in a few little things to anchor it down. Obviously if you start with a marriage proposal, people are going to keep reading because obviously they have to find out the answer. And when it goes in the opposite direction of how a marriage proposal is typically supposed to go, it makes you want to keep reading more. We also get a great sense of who the characters are right away, which is great. We've got their personalities right off the bat, we know Joy is a witch (another thing that makes me want to read on - how did these two end up together?). Your writing style is nice and clear and simple, not the overly-flowery time that I keep seeing so often, and I kind of love it. It makes for an easy read. Genre: Some sort of fantasy/urban fantasy/paranormal? Buy it or turn the page?: Whether or not I buy books usually depends on how interesting the back cover makes it seem, but I would definitely turn the page. Grade?: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kcde — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:09:09 -0600

I can absolutely picture this in my head as I read it. Your descriptions are great without getting out of hand and they do a really great job of painting the picture - it brings me right into the scene. You seem to be jumping between past and present tense a little, ("She stopped to stare into the black water"/"Her eyes drift along") which does interrupt the flow somewhat. I didn't catch it on the first time through, but subsequent readings got me a little confused. It isn't attention-grabbing like explosions or car chases might be, but it's a beginning that kind of draws you in. You don't have to be all action to get the reader's attention, and I think this scene is a great example of that. Keep up the good work! Genre: YA and/or Literary Fiction? Buy it or turn the page? I would definitely turn the page. Grade? B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

kcde — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:17:08 -0600

Thanks for the critique! I promise you the rest of it is equally as ridiculous (or more so). I seem to have a flair for that sort of thing. It's also not YA, but I'll let you off the hook for that one because the first page (and like, the first couple thousand words) are a lot of teen drama bullshit. My characters are kids, they can't help it. I'm really not entirely sure what genre it's supposed to be anyway, so there's that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 10:20:10 -0600

Rough start--I think your starting point is *after* this. You start right away with a flashback--start with the action, where the character has a problem instead of monologuing. Genre? Not easy to discern. Grade: D- You need to know where the story actually starts--cut all monologuing and trust the character--talk like it is the present. And if it isn't the present, then follow memoir format--the present one. Read a few.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arlette — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:07:42 -0600

Good to know. I was thinking it was slow and wanted to make sure it wasn't just my compulsion to include an explosion in every single scene telling me that. Is this better? I couldn’t remember the last time my feet had touched the ground outside. As the dirt and pebbles scraped against my tender feet, I berated myself for not owning a pair of shoes. This is the rest of your life, I told myself. Welcome back to earth. If I had left room in my budget for a meal sometime in the last three days, I would have been able to put on the hoverskates that I had slung over my shoulder and leave the problems of the ground behind me. But starving and half paralyzed from the Disease as I was, I had no choice but to make the shameful trip from the personaship station to my house on foot. My hoverskating days were over. The sooner I got used to living without my skates, the better. My kid brother Andy was going to kill me when he found out I the last of my money on a pointless trip to the city. Never mind that I did it for him, to try and get a spot on a better hover derby team so he wouldn’t have to suffer the same emptiness clawing at my insides right now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arlette — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:09:49 -0600

*I spent the last of my money, I mean.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chibisarel — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:29:38 -0600

And NaNo does do italics. You just have to use em (for emphasis/emphatic) tags instead of i tags.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:16:52 -0600

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eisen — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:26:20 -0600

* I like the tone and use of description -- there's a pretty good balance. You may want to cut the "?!"s and just use question marks, though. We can tell by word choice, structure, and the "shouted" in the previous line of dialogue that he's angry, and therefore his voice will more likely than not be loud/intense. (Also, others may disagree with me on this, but in the case of "HA?!" you might want to remove it from the dialogue and simply write, "He laughed harshly"/etc instead.) * The repeated use of "down" also caught my eye -- it appears four times just in this small section, two of them in the same sentence. Some of them could be replaced with synonyms to cut repetition. * Keep an eye out for sentence fragments, too. I realize that it's sometimes a stylistic choice, but too many of them can turn the flow choppy. * Overall, the concept is interesting and you've sparked my curiosity. The images you've brought to mind with word choice are vivid. Genre: I'm going to go with Fantasy. Age Group: Late teens and up. Buy or turn the page: Turn the page. If I continued to like it, then I'd buy. Grade: I'd say a solid B because of the grammar.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eisen — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:40:59 -0600

The night air was frigid against Bree’s bare arms, and wind whipped at her hair, haloing it round her head. Those were the least of her irritations, though - the growl of her bike’s engine was compounding her migraine, the gas needle hovered precariously close to “E”, and her backpack was stuffed with enough textbooks to crush a small elephant. She shifted her cold-numb grip restlessly as she slow ‘n go-ed a stop sign through a deserted intersection. Quiet neighborhood. No real surprise - she was still a good ten minutes from campus, and residential areas couldn’t compare to Saturday night bar hopping. She’d rather not be out here herself, honestly, but the Connellys paid their babysitters well and what nineteen year old turns down easy money? She flipped her turn signal on at Fourth and Grant Avenue but didn’t let off the clutch. Suddenly, a gigantic dark blur darted out from the hedges. It froze in the road, headlights reflecting eerily in its eyes, and her automatic reaction was to swerve. The bike tilted and she threw her weight in the opposite direction, hoping -- no, too late. She laid it down hard, flesh and metal colliding with pavement.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eisen — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 21:00:52 -0600

Critique: I like your opening paragraph. The last couple sentences in particular hold a defeated air. Question -- why can't she hoverskate in the future?The way it's written makes it sound like it's just a matter of being half-starved and in pain, so why would the character be acting like she'd never leave the ground again? Are you referring to the fact that she'll never do it "professionally" again? Your last line feels a bit long-winded. Your best bet would probably be to split it up further (which you may have been planning to do anyways -- the 200 word limit necessitates more compact structure sometimes). Grammar and spelling-wise it's pretty clean. You're missing a word between "I" and "the last" in your bottom paragraph, but I have a feeling it was just rushed typing. Genre: Definitely futuristic. Buy it or turn the page: I would turn the page, but I'd need to read further and see where the character development is headed before I could decide. Grade: Probably a B. I like this more than your previous one -- whereas the first felt rather smushed (way too much info crammed in in past-tense), this version makes me feel more connected with the character and more sympathetic towards her circumstances.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mbpastrygal — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:24:22 -0600

Constance kicked off her chef clogs and threw herself onto the chair, dumping her ubiquitous stack of magazines next to her in the process. Her bottle of Pinot and half filled wine glass nearly didn’t make it onto the table. Snatching it mid fall she breathed a sigh of relief, hefted her feet onto the table top and took a long slow sip of wine. Not bad, she told herself, this would go very nicely with a veal dish this weekend. It was the end of a grueling 15 hour day…..marathon, more like it. Chess had called in sick, again, probably hung over. A parade for God knows what, had kept the produce trucks out for several hours and she had to wait to get prep started. Plus the pastry chef Peggy, begged to go home early to get things started for her 3 year olds birthday party tomorrow. There was something about Dora the Explorer cupcakes that still had to be made and she didn’t even have the right colors for the butter cream… Ahh the life of a chef.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mbpastrygal — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:30:15 -0600

This sucked me in right away. I want to know more. I don't normally read fantasy but I like the concept. That said, I think your lead sentence should be: " When the demons came to town they brought out the extremes in humanity. There were acts of incredible kindness committed next door to atrocities even the demons shied from. That's why, whenever I go out, I wear two big fuck off guns and my ass kicking boots." THAT would really get my attention faster. So with the new first line, I'm giving it an A- start. Let me know how revision goes, I'd love to read more. Thanks for putting it out there!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mbpastrygal — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:36:50 -0600

I like this. I think it is a good opening line. I would read this book. The imagery is bold and succinct and grabs you by the nose. THat said I am a bit confused about what is going on. It's clearly futuristic, but is it one of those societies where you can't live past a certain age? I'm not sure. But I am sufficiently hooked to keep reading to find out. A solid A- start. Thanks

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mbpastrygal — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:47:17 -0600

Hi there, THanks for putting it out there. My initial reaction is confusion. It is a bit wordy without explaining much. I think you need a punchier first line. To have the adjectives 'good' and 'bad' in your first line, doesn't make it very strong. If it's to be his last, make him savor it, let your reader know how important it is. If it's not important, then don't make it your first line. It think this would be in the sci fi genre? I would like to see a revision so I have a better sense of what's going on.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

mbpastrygal — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:49:27 -0600

I don't know what happened, this was for Rupert5

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sherylgwin — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:18:40 -0600

This is just a short scene since it could only be 200 words. I wanted to try out part of my favorite action scene. The rest of the story makes it obvious that Tyler is his father. i used the names so i wouldnt confuse the characters to much because they both look about the same. And yes it is around young adult. I know this is a really rough draft and it needs alot of work. Thank you very much for the critique! :D i found it helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

FlameRaven — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:03:14 -0600

This feels like a decent setup. There are a few awkward bits-- "cold-numb grip" doesn't seem to flow well; "half-frozen fingers" conveys the same idea a bit more smoothly. I think I know what you mean by "slow n' goed" the stop sign, but I've never heard that phrase before; I would call it "rolling the stop sign." This may be a regional thing, I'm not sure, but "goed" jerks me out of the writing very abruptly. Mostly I think you need to tighten things up and increase the tension, especially in the last half. Genre: Unsure. Could be general fiction, could be urban fantasy. I'd turn the page. Grade: B-/C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:37:02 -0600

Thank you. I'll definitely try it that way.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:10:13 -0600

Revision One - Didn't actually rewrite much, just cut out the massive amounts of exposition. When the demons came to town, they brought out the extremes in humanity. There were acts of incredible kindness committed next door to atrocities even the demons shied from. That's why, whenever I go out, I wear two big fuck off guns and my ass kicking boots. I walked into the bar, and if that's not the way all good stories start, it should be. So, I walked into the bar. Not a bar, just the bar. It had never needed a name because it was the only one in town. Slim, a huge mountain of a man with a craggy, weather beaten face the color of tar and an impressive salt and pepper mustache mustache, looked up at the creak of the door hinges. He grinned at me but didn't say anything, and didn't pause in his cleaning. I sat at the bar in the stool in front of him and spun around with a smile. His mustache twitched up at the corner. “You never did grow up, Kara.” “Nope,” I said. “And you wouldn't want me too, either.” He rolled his eyes at me and I took a look around. Hardly anyone was there- just the hardcore alcoholics, the ones who never got over the End, the people having an early lunch at the only restaurant in town, and the sheriff who was crouched over one of Slim's infamous “steaks.” Slim said it was cow, but no one was sure what it really was, just that Slim was lying.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:49:42 -0600

Please take this as the helpful criticism it's intended to be. Negative: The sentence structure seens kind of long-winded and complicated. Try cutting out some of the unnecessary words or phrases you're sure you could do without. The "ubiquitious" is kind of random and interrupts the flow of the story. It doesn't fit with the other surrounding words and, as a reader, I would feel jolted out of the story. ... <---Elipses are only three dots. "… Ahh the life of a chef." I feel like that's a pretty weak ending to an interesting opening. It would be better if there was a different sentence or removed it completely. Positive: I loved the humor and it felt very natural. A lot of times humor in writing seems forced, but you managed to make me smile through the screen, Constance's life and personality is introduced really well here and we get a solid feel for what a grueling life she has. Grade: C Genre: I'm going to guess Mainstream or Chick-lit

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eisen — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:43:09 -0600

Thanks for the feedback! "Slow and go" is indeed a regional expression, but in hindsight, the use of "goed" is a stumbling block. At first it just looks like bad grammar. In any case, thank you for the suggestions!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:59:52 -0600

Here's mine. "Jack, where's my coffee?" "Sorry Mr. Elderbee, sir!" Jack Delaney pushed through the sea of bodies, a notepad in one hand and a tray carrying seven coffee cups in another. Elroy Elderbee stood at the head of the podium a bemused look on his face. As Executive Director of Secrecy Division, his job was to keep everything running smoothly, but Jack made it so difficult. It was Tuesday and all agents on the fifth floor of Centrell Digital were gathered for the weekly Talk of Business, which really meant Let's Complain About Our Problems. Owen Wade coughed, gathering everyone's attention. "As I was saying, the disapearance of Shelby Cantour is certainly a cause for concern, but it's something that can be easily handled." Jack stuck out his tongue as one of the coffee mugs titled precariously to the side. Come on you can do this. Trisha Davis scowled at Owen. "But where are we going to find a body to replace her?" Jack watched in horror as the coffee cup spiraled out of control, falling closer onto the lap of the Secretary of Defense. "I'm pretty sure we don't have many seven foot redheads hanging out in the morgue." Trisha caught the cup with one hand and took a sip. Her lips tightened. "I thought I told you not to add cream. Get another one!" She threw the cup at Jack, who tried to catch it with his one free hand. The lid bursted open and piping hot coffee spilled down his front. "Ah, ow! Yes mam, Sorry mam!" The other agents began to snicker, happy it wasn't them. Owen shook his head and Elderbee silently wondered why he had been given such an incompetent person. Jack rushed to hand the other agents their coffee before exiting the hall. On the way out he heard Owen say, "What if we kill the Coffeeboy and die his hair red? If we disfigure him enough no one would notice..." Trisha rolled her eyes. "You forget he's not seven feet." "Her legs were brutally detached?" Jack ran.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:51:27 -0600

Positive: It's good, but can be better, and from the structure you have here, I believe that you are capable of making it better. The character focus here is Jack, and you do a good job getting several simultaneous impressions of him and character traits in such a compact segment. It is truly impressive. Negatives: There are several places where you need a comma, namely: paragraph two, second sentence, "....podium, a bemused..."; second paragraph, fourth sentence, "It was Tuesday, and..."; second paragraph, fourth sentence, "....really meant, "Let's Complain About Our Problems."; fourth paragraph, final sentence, ..."bursted open, and piping..."; fifth paragraph, third sentence, "....shook his head, and Elderbee. Paragraph four, final sentence: "bursted" should simply be burst. "The lid burst open, and piping..." If this the beginning of a book, I know several people that will probably pull their hair out by the roots at it. While I can't exactly condone a person for starting a scene, much less a book with dialogue, I can't condemn it either. The problem is that your character starts talking in a void. There is nothing in terms of place in that first sentence. You could easily solve this by moving, "Elroy Elderbee stood at the head of the podium a bemused look on his face," to the beginning and then having him speak. It does not lessen the sample, and it lets the reader have some mental picture of where they are. Again, this is stylistic. Some people can let it slide, others cannot. I'm of the latter group. Other than that, it just needs a read through to fix the punctuation and the one verb problem that I pointed out. Grade: As it stands, B- Genre: Satire, suspense Would I turn the page: Most likely --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:31:38 -0600

A center booth in a hole-in-the-wall café probably lacked something in terms of creepiness. But it was heated and out of the wind, two things Harley ranked above mood even if the entire routine was all about putting on a show. Besides, the café served BLTs and coffee, two things he was absolutely certain he couldn't find in a thematically appropriate graveyard, and he was in favor of any venue that helped convince people to buy him lunch. Ellie was staring wide-eyed at him. She had pale blue eyes that were a bit oversize for her face, and she didn't blink much, which made the stare slightly unnerving. But being unnerved by the customer was not a part of the show, so Harley stared right back even if he fiddled with the lip of the paper cup. "He's a dog,, El," he reminded her. "If you wanted more than feelings, you should've asked me to contact someone human. Unless you want me to try to imitate that grumbling sound he keeps making in the back of his throat." "Like he's trying to imitate a human sigh?" Harley cocked his head slightly and considered it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:39:27 -0600

1. I like the voice, and by cutting out the original two paragraphs you posted above, you establish it very quickly. Your narrator is very aware that she's telling a story, but that works for me in first person, and you tell us how the world is changed and that something's going to happen in the bar fairly nicely with that conceit. And I do rather like the line "I walked into the bar, and if that's not the way all good stories start, it should be." I don't think you need the following sentence -- it feels repetitive, and I think the "Not a bar, the bar" line follows the first naturally enough. A few housekeeping details -- you use "moustache" twice when I think you only need to use it once, and "the sheriff who was crouched" feels like it needs a comma between "sheriff" and "who." 2. Fantasy. General/adult audience, I'd guess. 3. I'd turn the page. This sounds like something I'd read, so if the back cover also appealed to me I'd probably buy it. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:48:14 -0600

1. You do give us a good sense of both the character and her hectic life right up front, which I commend you for. I would restructure all three sentences in the first paragraph to improve the way things flow -- as it is, I agree with Anahlynn -- they're a little long-winded and awkward, and I don't really get a sense of Constance's surroundings that I would need to really visualize the scene [either chair and coffee table, or dinner table of some sort -- I'm presuming the former, but it could honestly be either from this description]. I'd also cut the last sentence -- it's unnecessary. I do really like that paragraph though, and the way it would carry a reader into the next one. 2. Aimed at adults. Mainstream fiction, probably. 3. I'd flip the page. 4. C+, which would easily be higher if the first paragraph was a little easier to visualize.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:57:19 -0600

1. I like the set-up, and the introduction to Bree's character, because you drop the reader into her head quickly and naturally. I do agree that "cold-numb fingers" is awkward, although the regionalism doesn't bother me -- I don't recognize where it's from, but if the story takes place in the region I don't see why you can't use it. I am bothered by the shift in tense in "what nineteen year old turns down easy money?" since you're writing in past tense. Changing the "turns down" to "turned down" or "would turn down" makes more sense to me. I do think the gigantic dark blur needs more description/a more detailed reaction from Bree, since it's clearly the start of the action and I'm not getting the reaction a large creature suddenly appearing in the road ought to evoke from someone on a bike. 2. I'm inclined to say YA urban fantasy, but it could be mainstream YA. 3. I would certainly turn the page. 4. B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:13:33 -0600

The sudden footsteps in the passageway of the caverns startled the young man, having seen no one in over three years. The guard walked up to the holding cell, dressed in black, his eyes glaring at the man, pulling open the door as he barked. “It is time.” The young man’s heart sunk as he was shackled and led to the Vault, the place every prisoner whispered about, the place where many had met their doom. The fires in the corner, the block by the wall, the swords and guns hanging on the wall by the door, and the whips by the block made him shudder and shiver with fear and fright. He stood and watched as many others were led past him, their fate sealed, and his was sure to come next. One by one his former cellmates collapsed to the floor, bleeding and dying of not already dead. He watched out of the corner of his eye as the three men in the corner sharpened and readied their swords, while others hauled out the bodies of his former friends. One of the other guards turned and pointed at the one guarding the young man. Nodding his head, he shoved the young man onto the block as the young man struggled to break free. But the guard had already strapped him onto the block. It was too late. “It is time.” A gruff voice bellowed. The executioner raised his sword, and his fate was sealed

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:16:46 -0600

It lacks a hook. It seems a bit dull. The first paragraph is nice. Grade: C Buy or Turn the page?: At most, turn the page Genre and Age group?: I'd say Mystery for young adults.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

knittingkneedle — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:56:02 -0600

This is a very intriguing start. You planted us right into the action, with an execution of all things- I have a real fondness for starts that read like the endings to some story and I think its a great device for engaging the reader. Couple of stylistic issues on my part- there are a couple of issues with repetition that interrupt the flow e.g "The fires in the corner, the block by the wall, the swords and guns hanging on the wall by the door,"- wall is repeated pretty quickly so "guns hanging by the door" would suffice i think. "the whips by the block made him shudder and shiver with fear and fright." fear and fright are pretty much synonyms- you don't need both. I think a little more atmosphere and description wouldn't go amiss in parts of this, but again thats a pretty subjective choice/ critique. Grade: B. Get the writing a little stronger and I'd definitely make that score higher. Buy or Turn the page?: Turn the page for sure. Genre and Age group?: I'm not sure...the sword makes me say fantasy/historical...the situation makes me say dystopic. Whatever it is I think there's a young adult element.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

knittingkneedle — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:57:57 -0600

It was a particularly warm September but there were already Christmas decorations out on the high street when the landlord first found what was left of my neighbour, Parminder Furesh, face down in her hallway. At that point, she’d already been dead for about six weeks. They said that she’d tripped on a doorstop and broken her hip but it wasn’t the fall that killed her. In the end she starved to death; apparently the autopsy found bits of carpet in her system like she’d tried to eat that. And it was only the smell wafting through walls and under doors that gave her away at all. We were her neighbours, but we weren’t to blame for failing to notice that while we watched television alone, engrossed in made up stories about made up people that a real woman was dead. “Didn’t her community know?” we asked ourselves. The few metres between her flat and ours could have been miles and miles because of one simple fact that absolved us from her death. Even in London, even in 2011, she wasn’t our responsibility. She wasn’t one of us. It’s weird but I didn’t even think of Parminder Furesh when I signed up to Raj’s class- but she must have been there in the back of my mind somewhere, overlooked and slowly festering face down in a hidden corner of me. At the start, though, she was just a dead stranger, there was just a room and we were just six people in it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:31:34 -0600

Its genre is somewhat YA, yes, but not fantasy or dystopian. I agree with taking a few words out or changing them. Thanks!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:09:52 -0600

Thank you for a wonderful critique. I was hesitant about the dialogue at the beginning and your opinion has just confirmed it wasn't a good idea. I re-work it to a much more interesting start. Thank you again! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rosage_ink — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:01:14 -0600

Since a dead body is a really gripping thing to start a book out with, I think the first sentence would have more impact if it was shorter. Going from a peaceful image like warm days and christmas directly to a corpse creates a dissonance that grabs attention and I think that a more concise sentence would emphasize that. I like the concept and think it's an attention-grabbing place to start a first page. Many books start out with mysterious deaths, but the added intrigue of how she could go unnoticed for so long is an interesting twist. I like the theme of ignoring tragedy that you don't claim responsibility for. The issues I found were mechanics. I noticed some parts where commas should go: After "It was a particularly warm September" After "broken her hip" After "carpet in her system" After "it's weird" "We were her neighbours, but we weren’t to blame for failing to notice that while we watched television alone, engrossed in made up stories about made up people that a real woman was dead. " This seems awkwardly phrased. The part about "while we watched television alone....." breaks up the phrase "failing to notice that...a real woman was dead," which makes it unclear. Rearranging and shortening it would make it clearer: "...but we weren't to blame for failing to notice that a real woman was dead while we watched made up women on television" But I think that making it two sentences would probably work even better. "...but we weren't to blame for failing to notice that a real woman was dead. After all, we were engrossed in made up stories on television." In the second to last paragraph, the phrase starting with 'but' after the hyphen feels awkward connected that way. Replacing the hyphen with a period and starting a new sentence with "Still, she must have..." flows better to me. "And it was only the smell wafting..." I wouldn't start a sentence with 'and.' Some parts could be made more concise by taking out unnecessary words. I already mentioned the first sentence ('particularly' can be taken out, 'first found' could be replaced with 'discover' for a few examples). I think the sentence after that could be shortened into something like 'She'd been dead for about six weeks by then' or just 'She'd been dead for about six weeks.' 'About' could also be taken out unless you really want to emphasize that the main character doesn't know specifically for some reason. "that absolved us from" could be more concisely "absolving us from." I really like the second to last paragraph's leading up to how the dead woman ends up being important to the main character, and I love the last line.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:30:44 -0600

The first sentence is really awkward and confusing to me. It's too wordy and I quickly loose interest. Try making it shorter and snappier by removing access words and descriptions. Adding in the characters voice usually makes things punchier "Ellie was staring wide-eyed at him." Consider, "Ellie stared at him, eyes wide." Not much better, but I think you get the point, Removing "was" from a sentence can make things interesting." Other than those things I can't find anything else to comment on. I would maybe read to the next page, to hear about this dog, but after that, if things didn't pick up, I would shelve it. Grade: C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:32:28 -0600

Revision 2 Elroy Elderbee stood at the head of the podium, a bemused look on his face. "Jack, where's my coffee?" "Sorry Mr. Elderbee, sir!" Jack Delaney pushed through the sea of bodies, a notepad in one and a tray carrying seven coffee cups in another. As Executive Director of Secrecy Division, it was Elderbee's job to keep everything running smooth, but Jack made it so difficult. It was Tuesday and all agents on the fifth floor of Centrell Digital were gathered for the weekly Talk of Business, which really meant, Let's Complain About Our Problems. Owen Wade coughed, gathering everyone's attention. "As I was saying, the disapearance of Shelby Cantour is certainly a cause for concern, but it's something that can be easily handled." Jack stuck out his tongue as one of the coffee mugs titled precariously to the side. Come on you can do this. Trisha Davis scowled at Owen. "But where are we going to find a body to replace her?" Jack watched in horror as the coffee cup spiraled out of control, falling closer onto the lap of the Secretary of Defense. "I'm pretty sure we don't have many seven foot redheads hanging out in the morgue." Trisha caught the cup with one hand and took a sip. Her lips tightened. "I thought I told you not to add cream. Get another one!" She threw the cup at Jack, who tried to catch it with his one free hand. The lid burst open and piping hot coffee spilled down his front. "Ah, ow! Yes mam, Sorry mam!" The other agents began to snicker, happy it wasn't them. Owen shook his head and Elderbee silently wondered why he had been given such an incompetent person. Jack rushed to hand the other agents their coffee before exiting the hall. On the way out he heard Owen say, "What if we kill the Coffeeboy and die his hair red? If we disfigure him enough no one would notice..." Trisha rolled her eyes. "You forget he's not seven feet." "Her legs were brutally detached?" Jack ran.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:33:42 -0600

Edited version :) ______________________________________________________________________________ The sudden footsteps in the passageway of the caverns startled the young man, having seen no one in over three months. The guard walked up to the holding cell, dressed in black, his eyes glaring at the man, pulling open the door as he barked. “It is time.” The young man’s heart sunk as he was shackled and led to the Vault, the place every prisoner whispered about, the place where many had met their doom. The fires in the corner, the block by the wall, the swords and guns hanging by the door, and the whips hanging over the block made him shudder and shiver with fright. He knew they wished him dead, his many scars proving it. There would be no escape this time. He stood and watched as many others were led past him, their fate sealed, and his was sure to come next. One by one his former cellmates collapsed to the floor, bleeding and dying of not already dead. He watched out of the corner of his eye as the three men in the corner sharpened and readied their swords, while others hauled out the bodies of his former friends. One of the other guards turned and pointed at the one guarding the young man. Nodding his head, he shoved the young man onto the block as the young man struggled to break free. But the guard had already strapped him onto the block. It was too late. “It is time.” A gruff voice bellowed. The executioner raised his weapon and his fate was sealed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:39:41 -0600

First thing that sticks out to me is the Come on you can do this. It would be better if it was like this: Come on, you can do this. [quote= ] On the way out he heard Owen say, "What if we kill the Coffeeboy and die his hair red? If we disfigure him enough no one would notice..." [/quote] Die should be dye. [quote= ]"Her legs were brutally detached?" [/quote] How does this connect with the story? This threw me off. Grade: B- Buy or Turn the page?: Turn the page. Genre and Age group? Mystery and older teen/ young adult.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:41:40 -0600

[quote=EmmaMayfield] First thing that sticks out to me is the Come on you can do this. It would be better if it was like this: Come on, you can do this. [/quote]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 22:52:30 -0600

I agree with Anahlynn in that the humor is natural. The entire excerpt flows well and despite the fact that you thrown in so many characters within the first few sentences, I feel like I already know them so well. You give enough info to create a nice picture without it feeling forced or much like an info dump. The MC's voice is strong and entertaining. I would also drop the last sentence simply because it tells us nothing new. GRADE: B I would flip the page for sure. Mainstream fiction most likely.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Angelynx — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:13:07 -0600

LOL, this habit of going for maximum verbiage is hard to break. =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alerane — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 09:18:14 -0600

Cries, screams and arguing; were all I heard from the room they had put us. We were all silent, save a few sniffles from Ernie, because we were listening. I watched the doorway, seeing adults rushing by, some with guns, others with baggage and even more with wheelie beds with screaming people on top. In the din of voices other sounds that go unnoticed, like a set of footsteps pausing, a muttering voice or the squeak of the wheels bumping over something in the way on the floor somewhere. Most of us looked hopefully for someone to come for us. Take us home from this nightmare. I did not. I sat there numb. I know no one is coming for me. I saw the two of them in the car beside us, and even waved before the light changed and they went into the intersection. I’d have done more than waved if I had known then. There was a woman seated at the door, with a desk out in front of her, and various stacks of paper work in an array around her desk. She was a bit on the plump side, wore square glasses and had curly brown hair like my dolly back home.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CloudlessRayne — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 09:25:42 -0600

Some stories--in fact, most of them--start at the beginning. But this one starts before that, because first, there are some things you need to know before you will be able to understand this group of events that are very real and very dangerous. It’s amazing how the average human can read a group of true events and pass them off as ‘fiction’. They believe everything so easily… everything but the truth. This story is not a story. I am simply recording the information that has been relayed back to me. These events are very real. Now, back to my first point, to understand you must start before the beginning at the past in a world that has many similarities to ours, but also their fair share of differences. It was a dark and stormy night. Okay, it wasn't. Actually it was a bright and sunny morning, but that simply does not do the foretelling of a disastrous day for the Dream World justice.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eisen — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:10:43 -0600

Thank you for the feedback! It's much appreciated. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shdwpoet2 — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:50:32 -0600

Thank you for the critique, Your correct about the jump in tense, I missed that before posting. Harlow also caught this, but I'm not sure if my reply is part of the tread, so here is what I posted in response; Your right about that line, it should have read; 'Her eyes drifted along with the sluggish current until the waterway swings right and disappears behind a stand of trees.' As you noted, this changed the tense and thus the feeling of the narrative as set by the first sentence. This was an editing error on my part. The original story was too long and needed to be trimmed to fit into the 200 word limit. Except for this mix up, I think the editing was a good thing as the original was too long and word heavy. As it stands, this is a much cleaner, tighter read. I was thinking of posting a correction, but haven't had time yet. Thank you again for your time and kind words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:00:57 -0600

The Dragon’s roar echoed over the valley as the girl ran. Tufts of moist grass and dirt flicked up around her with every step and she could feel it sticking to the backs of her legs. Her fiery auburn hair left a long trail behind her head licking the air like tongues of flame. She pumped her arms furiously and beads of sweat trickled down her back. The girl knew her best friend was running along beside her, she could hear his panting and smell his fear. No doubt the Dragon could too. Glancing to her right she locked eyes with the boy she’d had so many adventures with, and tilted her head mouthing ‘now’. This was the part they’d agreed upon in advance. It would be tricky to pull off while running at their top speed over uneven ground, but they had no other choice. It was either, take the risk and hope it landed in the right place, or stop running and face the monster behind them. Stopping was not an option. She waited for the boy to throw the book out in front of them and said a quick prayer for it to land the right way up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:10:09 -0600

1. Critique: I liked this but thought your sentences were a little long in places, they could be re-worked to flow better. Overall I think it sets a great scene. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy and Young Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page: I would turn the page to see what happens and then this would dictate if I would buy it or not. 4. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:25:49 -0600

1. Critique: Wow! I loved this. You have set the scene beautifully and I could imagine actually being there walking behind this girl. I did pick up a few changes in tense though but that would be my only negative. 2. Genre and age group: Maybe fantasy and Young Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page: I would buy this. 4. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:54:48 -0600

1. Critique: Sorry, but I had some trouble with this. There are problems with punctuation and tense, and some sentences don't make sense to me. For example your first sentence: “Cries, screams and arguing; were all I heard from the room they had put us.” The semi colon doesn't need to be there as I wouldn't naturally pause at this point in the sentence. Have a look here for the correct use of a semi colon. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon Also, to me you are implying that the cries and screams are coming from the room where the MC is. Lastly, I wanted to put the word ‘in’ after us. I would have written something like: All I could hear were screams and voices arguing. Cries echoed down the hall towards the room where we sat. They had shoved us in and closed the door behind them. Also, this sentence doesn’t make sense to me: “In the din of voices other sounds that go unnoticed, like a set of footsteps pausing, a muttering voice or the squeak of the wheels bumping over something in the way on the floor somewhere.” Footsteps pausing would not make a noise as they have paused. Only moving footsteps would make a sound. Also, there is no conclusion from the first statement. I think I know what you are trying to say and I would have written something like: In the din created by many voices other sounds went unnoticed. Faint footsteps, muttering, or the squeaky wheels of a gurney were drowned out in the noise. In the second paragraph you have switched tense and there are some incomplete sentences: “Most of us looked hopefully for someone to come for us. Take us home from this nightmare. I did not. I sat there numb. I know no one is coming for me.” I would have said something like: Most of us looked hopefully for someone to come for us and take us home from this nightmare. I did not. I just sat there numb, and I knew no one was coming for me. 2. Genre and age group: Young Adult 3. Buy it or turn the page: I wouldn’t but it, sorry. 4. Grade: C+ I hope some of this helps :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alerane — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:36:47 -0600

Thanks. I was actually hoping for some comments on the story and POV because I already know my grammar is terrible. Crit is crit though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:40:16 -0600

I think the story is very interesting and I'd like to find out what happens to these kids, but because of what I said above it would probably prevent me from actually reading on, sorry. I would love to read a revised version if you end up posting one.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 22:47:17 -0600

Thank you for the critique although I would like to clarify a mistake you made. "Her legs were brutally detached?" Refer's to the previous line about the person who dies being seven feet tall. Saying her legs were brutally detached means that they could sever Jack's legs. I thought it was fairly obvious...but than again I wrote it. Unless of course you just skimed through it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:14:39 -0600

I read alot, and I couldn't see the connection. Maybe you could make it a bit clearer :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:47:29 -0600

Sammi was used to waking up at 7 AM and dropping by the nearest open coffee shop by now. Ever since Dean disappeared six months ago, she had been insistent on getting up early everyday, as if that would bring him back, just because he had been an early riser. She walked back to the gazeebo, two cups of coffee in both hands and a stick of licorice between her teeth. A man in a leather jacket sat waiting, reading something on the newspaper and making notes and circles on it as if he was tracking something down. As she took a seat, the man looked up. "We have a case," he said, throwing down a bunch of newspapers on the table where he'd scribbled some notes. "There's been a string of deaths in-- is that a half-caff double vanilla latte?" He grinned. "Shut it, Jesse," she said, not bothering to look down at the notes he had written down on the table. It was a guilty pleasure, she thought, as she sipped her latte. "Did you find anything on Daddy?" "Maybe," he said. "There's a series of fires and demon sightings that share the same traits. The most recent one happened in Lawrence, Kansas."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:58:48 -0600

1. Critique? A lot of exposition is going on here. Also, try not to start the novel with a "half" passive sentence. Instead of "The dragon's roar echoed", try "The dragon roared." It may just be me but I disliked the first sentence a lot. The roaring of a dragon brings to mind pictures of a stationary dragon, so the transition when it said the girl ran was very jarring. I'd suggest rephrase it entirely. Bring us to the chase right away, rather than the roar. It may just also be a peeve of mine, but don't describe her fiery auburn hair. It's not important what color her hair is right now and it's very out of place in this scene. "Like tongues of flame" is too flowery for a beginning, so I suggest deleting that entirely. The second sentence of the first paragraph is too long. The second clause that makes it up is good, though, so I suggest you start with that. "She could hear her best friend's panting beside her and smell his fear," or something along those lines. If she can smell his fear, we already know he's beside her, so no need to tell us that. You've already shown it. You're also telling us she's had a lot of adventures with her best friend. This isn't very out of place in this opening, but I don't think it's the best way to introduce it. Maybe, instead of telling us she's had adventures with him, say that this is like the nth time they had gotten into something like this and she trusted him. There are also some punctuation errors, but I'm sure you can catch all that yourself =] 2. Genre/Age group Fantasy YA 3. Turn the page/Buy neither =[ but you can still improve it! 4. Grade? C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:10:19 -0600

This is a very good critique. A+. But I'd like to point out one thing. I'd write “Most of us looked hopefully for someone to come for us. Take us home from this nightmare. I did not. I sat there numb. I know no one is coming for me.” As: "Many of us looked hopefully for someone to come save us from this nightmare. Not me. I sat there numbly, knowing no one is coming for me." I felt it was important to say it because of a few important things: - it highlights good word choice in save-vs-nightmare - it removes the awkwardness of "I did not" - "I sat there numb" doesn't make grammatical sense so I thought I had to point that out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:18:33 -0600

I like how their personalities are fleshed out, but it really seems choppy to me because of the lack of transitions and dialogue tags. That's the only thing I can say about it. I already like Joy haha. And poor Alex. You should have us feel the weight of rejection a little more. Right now, I'm entertained rather than sad. I'd turn the page. A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:29:28 -0600

I remember commenting on the first version of this =] I love the second half. If your gave me the manuscript, I would finish it. The only thing is, the first half isn't quite as good. I'm young, so obviously, I won't get the references. But it generally isn't as bright as peaceful as I think you want it to be. Instead, it seems dull. It's a very hard thing to create a sense of peace. You have to show us there's some conflict, and then there's peace, so we get that it's peaceful. Otherwise, just showing us peace straight up makes it seem boring. We need to have something to compare it against. Hope that helped =] A, turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alerane — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 10:17:50 -0600

When I get to grammar editing I'll be sure to :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alerane — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 10:18:08 -0600

Ah I see what you mean with the phrasing there, thanks :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Wilson3sd — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 12:08:36 -0600

1. Critique: Gazebo, not gazeebo. Your first few sentences could be arranged for a better flow and greater clarity. For example: "Since Dean disappeared six months ago, Sammi had been insistent on getting up early every day. She thought, because he had been an early riser, that maybe her early rising would bring him back." Are there generally tables in gazebos? Also, are the notes written on the table itself or elsewhere? 2. Genre/Age group: Fantasy/YA 3. I'd turn the page, but I don't know how much farther I'd go. 4. C+/B- (75-80)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Wilson3sd — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 12:12:00 -0600

Drew lay unconscious on the ground. His chest- a mashed grape moments before- was now at least superficially reconstructed. The bleeding had stopped and his breathing was shallow and quick. Mark watched as Emma crawled away to the bushes where she vomited black ichor. He let her get it out. To his left a low voice caught his attention. “Say again?” Mark was aware of his distance from the rest of them. What was happening on the beach was more important than anything else right now. “I said ‘The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.’” Natalie snuffed. Mark glanced at her and saw that she stood with her eyes closed and her head tilted up to the increasing sprinkle. Her voice full of disdain, she continued “But you know that, don’t you.” Mark ignored her venom and turned his attention back to the beach. From the outcropping, he looked down at the scar of white sand. Three figures stood out, black against the white sand and graying sky. Bobby had collapsed, and lay on his back in the wet sand as the tide went out. The figure, large even from the distance, was advancing on him. Nate stood between them. Nate’s small stature cut a forlorn figure in the face of the advancing monster. Yet, he stood rooted to the spot. The creature stopped, straining suddenly at an unseen leash. As far away as the overlook Mark could feel the creeping, pulsing sensation of Nate. Like tendrils of smoke wafting around his head, Mark felt the searching touch as Nate pushed as hard he could to stop the beast. Mark wished, as much as he believed in such things, for Nate. A glimmer of a smile crossed his face as he thought “You got us into this kid, now get us out.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

strawberryxfields — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:04:39 -0600

I love this so much. I love the juxtaposition between an older woman and a young mother and baby. The characterization of Sophia is wonderful -- she can fix her own shoes (in a lovely and quirky way), she flies by herself, and she cares about little baby ears! She's fully realized in two paragraphs! I would definitely turn the page, and it's the kind of writing style I adore, so if I liked where it was going I'd totally buy. (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The Wanderer — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:30:21 -0600

I glance up from the parchment that henceforth will be the only record of my crime and peer through the bars. A pair of helmeted guards stares back at me, their tabards embossed with an imperial eagle laid out in gold thread. Swords hang from polished leather scabbards at their waists and one has a pair of manacles slid across a single digit. The other takes a loop of keys from about his wrist and unlocks the cell door, which slams backward as he opens it. The guard with the manacles steps forward, his scabbard slapping against his thigh with every step. I notice that he is skinnier than the other guard, now that he is in the light. From here on in this narrative, he will be dubbed “Skinny”. Skinny grabs one wrist and snaps the manacle shut around it, and then does the same to the other. Satisfied that I am bound enough that I will be no threat, he leads me out of the cell. The other guard falls into step at the rear, his eyes never leaving my back. I decide to call him “Eyeballs”.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:46:05 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:46:27 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:46:54 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:47:10 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:47:35 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

noemith — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 16:53:38 -0600

Finding beauty in the ‘every day’ is a gift only given to the devout, I think. Yet, in this age of rampant bombings and psychopharmacology, who isn’t devout about something? Simply rolling out of bed and planting two feet in the bedroom soil is an act of faith—and faith, it’s been said (if only by me) is pure, intense, fingers-in-the-ears-‘cause-someone-is-screaming-at-the-crowd madness. And madness is a thing I know a thing or two about. I cracked what I hoped was a calming smile at the woman across the table from me. I tried to ignore the sensory effluvia in the mostly empty diner—the pigeon nesting in the old man’s dirty white shock of hair, the plum tree growing through the pie fridge and dropping overripe fruit on the counter—and tried to focus on the images that were wholly hers. I also tried to ignore the gun I couldn’t see, held on the chewing gum side of the table and pointed—in rather bad taste, I thought—directly at the center of my recently filled belly. “I’m going to ask you again,” she said, “why are you following me?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lasalle202 — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 18:22:00 -0600

I think you have too many characters coming on too quickly with not enough individualization for the reader to hook up the name with a character; and I am in general having problems following what is going on. Spacial relationships between the various groups appears to be important (we have bushes a beach an outcropping and an overlook Drew on the ground Bobby on the ground) - but I cannot tell how they "fit" together. the "- a mashed grape moments before- ' should be commas and not dashes, and the "mashed grape" metaphor doesnt really work for me - or are you going for a comedy? "Monster" is really too vague for me to have any reaction. If you are marking something off with "he thought", you dont then also give it quotes and italics. the smile with the "you got us into this kid, now get us out." turns him into a cocky bastard that I dont have any desire to like. genre - superhero audience age - teen/young adult starting in media res can be a good hook, but you may have started too far into the action. i would turn the page to see if things remained as confusing or if the writing became clearer.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shdwpoet2 — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 18:26:37 -0600

Thank you for taking the time to critique my story, I'm glad you liked it. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Wilson3sd — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 20:04:34 -0600

Thank you for your critique! I agree with your assessments. I used the dashes where I would normally have used commas as a fix to a suggestion for a similar thought on a different thread. Monster is just a placeholder. At least the arrogance came through! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 20:38:12 -0600

If I were to change one thing about this opening, it's that the diction sounds fairly highfalutin to me. Phrases like "henceforth will be the only record of my crime" and "from here on in this narrative" distance me from the overall text and make it hard for me to connect to the narrator. I can get behind a lot of the details, and I think the action itself is fairly vivid, but at the same time, I feel like some of the writing is too much. That said, judging by the diction, I'm guessing this is historical fiction or fantasy. I would probably turn the page, if only because I'm beginning to like the narrator once I watch him dub his guard Eyeballs, but I'd have to read more before buying the book. Hope this helps! (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rosage_ink — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:26:16 -0600

I think this would be a much better opening if it started at the second paragraph. I can't connect to the character and her story until I have a scene to place her in, so I won't care about her personal philosophy yet. Exposition about the character's point of view is better saved for later once a connection and context has been built. That said, starting from the second paragraph, you have a situation that creates curiosity. A woman pointing a gun at the POV character and demanding to know why she's following her naturally creates interest. The fact that your main character can make such casual observations in those circumstances shows that she's used to this type of thing and can remain calm--not your average person, thus an interesting character. I do wonder if the second sentence of the second paragraph contains too many details, though. They're certainly vivid, but having too many vivid images at once makes it hard to picture any of them. I will say that that may partly be me as I'm not a very visual reader. Overall, a good start if you cut out the first paragraph.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:36:37 -0600

As Rosage_ink said, it would be better from the second paragraph. There isn't a lot explained, or much of a hook besides the gun. Grade: B- Turn the page or buy it?: I'd turn the page, maybe. Genre and age group?: Mystery/Suspense, YA/Adult.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:36:56 -0600

The cries and wails of newborn infants could be heard from the female dormitory. Young mothers met their child once, and then their child was carried into the babies’ dorm, not to be seen again until they were old enough to join either the male or female dorm. The youngest mothers were taken off of the List for one year to regain their strength, as were the sickly ones. The older ones, however were kept constantly on the list until 25, upon which they were released with their respective male and sent to an assigned house, where any further children could live with them. Some said it was to repopulate the earth after most of it was wiped out in a devastating war, leaving only 200 kids, 100 male, 100 female, and 10 adults on the planet. But others explained that many on the earth had in fact survived the war, and the Supervisors, as they were called, wanted to grow their own army and destroy the rest of the survivors. Escape? It was unheard of. Many had tried, and those who did were bumped to the top of the List to become the next ones to undergo treatment. That was where Raine and Brooke came in. Both had tried to escape, and now they were at the top of the List, the first ones to undergo the ‘treatment’ the next morning, and it was not going to be pleasant, that was for sure. That is where their story begins.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 22:48:44 -0600

Hey guys can we actually try to critique other writer's beginnings instead of posting a half-assed comment that makes it fairly obvious that you didn't even read it and only wanted your writing critiqued? I'm pretty sure the writer would appreciate it. If you want your story to be critiqued well take the time to critique someone elses. Sorry to be so harsh, but that bugs me. Rant over. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 23:20:41 -0600

I'm trying :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Anahlynn — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:38:00 -0600

Oh I wasn't referring to you! Sorry if it seemed that way. :(

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 11:15:28 -0600

No, it didn't and I didn't take it that way. I actually agree with you.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

The Wanderer — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 11:58:19 -0600

Thank you. There's actually a letter proceeding this which explains his circumstances, and I can Nanomail you a link the chapters I have done so far, if you'd like?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:26:40 -0600

Okay, these are the first two paragraphs from my novel, "Flawless". What I would like to know is if: a. it would make you keep reading, b. what you think of smashing the fourth wall in the first two paragraphs, c. if the names trip you up, and d. if you get the reference at the end Thank you in advance for looking this over 8D The first thing you should know is this: we all die. There is no happy ending, there is no happily ever after. There is just this: we all die. When I refer to we, I mean those currently alive, carefully excluding Jailinus. My name is Daimeon Warnaout and I’ll be your narrator for the beginning of this story, only because the true protagonist has yet to be born. Some may think it’s weird that I’m directly addressing the reader but even though you may not be able to see me but I certainly can see you. Now now, don’t panic. I’m not going to kill you, I’m not working with the government, and I most definitely am not going to swoop you off your feet in a unhealthy relationship, like a person who shall remain nameless.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:34:54 -0600

Futuristic? I really enjoyed the sensory details you gave and overall your style of writing. It seems like it would make for a very interesting read. You might want to find a cheaper synonym for effluvia though; most readers won't know what that means and you might lose them if they have to google it or hunt down a dictionary. The one thing that really, really bothered me is the constant use of the em dash (though this may just be because it was abused to all hell by Stephanie Meyer...) Replace them with parentheses and see if they still fit, since that is basically what they are; really fancy parentheses. Overall, yes I would keep reading, I would recommend it to a friend and you get a letter grade of an A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:45:49 -0600

Dystopian fiction? I would keep reading, most definitely. I'm really digging how you set up a bit of intrigue at the very beginning. Also, you used the Oxford comma correctly; that little thing made me squeal with joy :D There's a part of me that wants to say that there is a book before this but perhaps you go into detail about the war later? I'm rather curious as to how that played out. Overall, there are no flaws that make me want to throw my computer out the window and weep silently for the future of the English language, so you're good there. I would keep reading and probably (depends on the rest of the book) recommend it to a friend. Grade: A+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:08:53 -0600

Addressing your questions first: A: Yeah, I'd want to keep reading :) B: I'm afraid I'm not entirely sure which wall you mean....do you mean, b/w "The first thing you should know is this: we all die." and "There is just this: we all die."? If so, I liked the break-up. The break makes it clear that the narrator is trying to be serious, dark, and slightly sarcastic. C: Nah, the names didn't trip me up. D: Is it a reference to some outside literary reference, or a foreshadowing? Because I get the foreshadowing, but don't see a connection to something else I may have read. If I was carefully reading, I might guess the narrator is referring to the unnamed protagonist, but I could also see myself not thinking that if I was just quickly reading this in the bookstore. Other stuff: 1. Critique: I usually don't go about correcting other people's comma usages, since I'm usually unsure of my own. But, few things: "There is no happy ending, there is no happily ever after. " -> "There is no happy ending; there is no happily ever after. " Or change it to a period or an and. I don't know, just the comma seemed off to me. "...am not going to swoop you off your feet in a unhealthy relationship..." -> "...am not going to swoop you off your feet into an unhealthy relationship..." But, those are just minor grammar things. As far as the feeling I got while reading, the pace of the writing, and how the character comes off...I think you did great. Something that isn't grammatical, but kind of a personal preference. I'd cut that "like a person who shall remain nameless" to its own sentence, and I'd add the word 'certain' just because I somehow naturally added that in when I read it. So, I'd have it as: "...I’m not working with the government, and I most definitely am not going to swoop you off your feet into an unhealthy relationship. Unlike a certain person who shall remain nameless." (I changed the like to unlike, as I assume that's kind of what you meant...) 2. Genre/Age group: Science Fiction...maybe Fantasy. YA. 3. I'd turn the page. 4. A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:11:18 -0600

Oh yeah, and "sweep" instead of "swoop" - swoop is past tense, your character is speaking in present.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:19:49 -0600

My Prologue: Earth, 1944: Vincent tugged hard on Renée's arm, but quickly pulled away, remembering her fatal rash. “Please Renée,” he begged. I really need you to run with me.” He glanced behind him, trying to gauge how far away the gestapo was. Ignoring Vincent's beseeching requests to continue running, Renée slowly walked under the bridge and witnessed the little pendant she held develop into a large paintbrush. She almost dropped it from all the sweat on her weak body. Without any verbal direction, Renée began to confidently paint a small door on one of the bridge's columns. Vincent gaped in disbelief. Not from the object that appeared in her hand out of nowhere. No, he was much too distracted by fear to notice that. Instead he screamed, “Really, you're painting now? The gestapo is less than a kilometer away!” Renée wasn't looking at him, so he tried to pull her in his direction with his voice. “Trust me Vincent, this paintbrush is giving us time.” Renée said with determination. Vincent sighed, watching, wishing he could get his favorite artist to drop her brush and run. Vahnul, 2011: “It doesn't seem to want me to touch it.” Vayaki said sullenly, as an invisible force pushed her hand away. Laken, holding the charm, frowned at her words. Within a blink, he suddenly held a paintbrush. Without waiting for Vayaki's verbal contemplations of the magic, he began outlining a red door on the floor. “I've never seen paint this purely red,” Laken murmured, adding in a doorknob. “You're completely defacing this wretched library,” Vayaki whispered. Laken continued because he knew she was hoping for an escape as much as him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chinikins — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:51:07 -0600

Oh damn...you can ignore the stuff after Vahnul...that makes it ~270 words. Sorry, meant to cut that out :(

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:59:28 -0600

I think your opening is good. I so want to know what this fatal rash is about. As well as where all the painted magic doors will lead too. The only question I had is what was Vayaki's hand was pushed away from? Was she trying to open a door or grab a book or even something else? Genre: Fantasy/sci fi maybe urban fantasy Age: Adult Buy/Turn page: Would diffidently turn the page. Might even buy if I had the money too. Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:16:08 -0600

B: No, the fact that he's directly speaking to the reader (i.e. you) and he addresses this fact in the second paragraph. D: Actually, I was poking fun at the Twilight series, though it is also foreshadowing to the protagonist and his series of unhealthy relationships. Thank you for your critique :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:33:07 -0600

Here is my opening. This is changed from how it was in November during Nano. I realized I had originally started with describing nothing about setting, description and background for three paragraphs so I hope my rewrite of the opening. Please let me know what you all think I hope it is good. Also if you want to read more just hit up my NaNo page as I updated my novel excerpt to the rewrite first chapter. Also any grammar or spelling mistakes I missed tell me. I have dyslexia and will miss stuff on occasion. I have even hit the wrong word in the spell checker not realizing it before till I reread latter on. So any corrections needed let me know please. Thank you for taking the time. ***************************************************************************************************** "If you can have those things delivered over at the Pub and Grub that the Bartley's run? The Academy rents part of their storage room to hold our supplies one shopping day." the dark haired young lady with her hair in a warrior's tail told the sweets shopkeeper. "Ah your from up at the Denten's Academy of Arms then? I had wondered why a young slip of a girl was ordering so much honey, maple syrup and molasses." the shop keeper finished writing the directions and who the order was for on his form. "Yep, we sure are and we are not young slips of a girl by the way, we are about average size you know." piped in the slightly smaller girl who was standing next to the first girl. The shop keep looked at this one who had her strawberry blonde curls in a pony tail as she continued talking "We are seniors this year up at the academy. So Tracey and I can come into town now for the supplies as per the rules." "Ah I see, Well if you ladies need any more of my sweet syrups just come on by and ask for ol' Benjamin Benden" Tracey smiled kindly back at the old man nodding "Jenny and I will do that Mr Benden." She bowed slightly to him in parting as she left with Jenny heading into the dry goods shop next door.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:38:48 -0600

Dang it. Even rereading before posting I missed that mistake before posting. I was trying to say before I rewrote my opening. It was "nothing but" not "nothing about"

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:51:00 -0600

Thank you. I am quite new to writing so everything helps at this point. Your third paragraph confused me a little, you talk about the second sentence of the first paragraph but then quote the second paragraph, so I'm not really sure what you're trying to tell me. Are you suggesting to start the story with "She could hear..." ? Also, I thought my punctuation was generally pretty good, so if you could point out the errors that would also help :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:45:39 -0600

I agree with most of what Sibil said. Words in bold are just some suggestions to help. [quote=KAlast] The Dragon~~’s roar echoed over the valley as the girl ran.~~ roared behind her as it chased her and her best friend though the valley. Was this the tenth or eleventh time they had been chased by something? Tufts of moist grass and dirt flicked up around her with every step and she could feel it sticking to the backs of her legs. Her fiery auburn hair left a long trail behind her ~~head licking the air like tongues of flame.~~ She pumped her arms furiously and beads of sweat trickled down her back. ~~The girl knew her best friend was running along beside her,~~ she could hear ~~his~~ her friend panting as he ran besides her. She could even ~~and~~ smell his fear. No doubt the Dragon could too. Glancing to her right she locked eyes with ~~the boy she’d had so many adventures with, and tilted~~ him tilting her head mouthing ‘now’. This was the part they’d agreed upon in advance. It would be tricky to pull off while running at their top speed over uneven ground, but they had no other choice. It was either, take the risk and hope it landed in the right place, or stop running and face the monster behind them. Stopping was not an option. She waited for the boy to throw the book out in front of them and said a quick prayer for it to land the right way up. [/quote] Some tweaking I am sure I would be turning the page of this one.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:28:57 -0600

Not a problem! I'd be more than happy to read anything more you have, although I can't guarantee you a super-speedy reply! (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:29:45 -0600

My brother Henry came home from the war a week before Christmas and a week before his twenty-first birthday. He dropped his bag with a clattering thump and then began to wordlessly walk through the house. My parents followed him. Papa shoved his fists in his pockets and Mother picked at her fingernails. I trailed behind. He ran one hand over the varnished wood of the dining room table and then the armrest of Papa’s chair. His other hand remained firmly in the pocket of his coat, though the white-gray linen of a bandage still peeped out. We hadn’t cleared the breakfast dishes; Henry stared at the mangled crusts of bread left on my plate and Papa’s cold, half-empty cup of coffee. He picked up the knife we’d been using for the jam and turned it over in his palm, and then softly set it down. Henry had left for France during that heady September of 1914, when the leaves were just starting to turn and Britain was going to win the war. I was fifteen, he was nineteen. We had stood at the train station and hugged him goodbye. “Take care of yourself,” Papa had said.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

strawberryxfields — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:56:44 -0600

I love this. The mood is set up wonderfully and I can really feel the tension. They feel like a real family already. The first sentence, I would say, feels a little long, but I'm not sure how to make it clearer. Would "a week before Christmas and his twenty-first birthday" make sense? I love the feeling, though, that the sentence evokes anyway -- the juxtaposition of war and Christmas, as well as emphasizing how young he really is. There's a lot of innocence there, which I think is something you'd need to hold onto when writing about war. I've actually never read a war story, and I've never made it through a whole book of historical fiction, but I really do love this opening -- the writing and the characters! I'd definitely turn a few pages. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

strawberryxfields — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:58:54 -0600

Ah! I love the excerpt on your profile page as well! Your narration is lovely.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 01:58:18 -0600

Thank you LadyStarlea, although I don't agree with your second suggested sentence (Was this the tenth...) as it doesn’t fit in with the story later on, but I do agree I need to work on this and have taken your feedback on board :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 02:44:08 -0600

1. Critique I am not an expert but this is what I thought when I read this passage: - I don't know why but I have a problem with chapters, whether it be first or last, beginning with speech. - Also, the first sentence doesn't really make sense to me. - Can you try and re-write this opening with little or no conversation? It seems to be one big block of dialogue. - Maybe start with something like: The dark haired young lady smiled nicely over the counter... then launch into setting, why she is there, where she is from etc. Use dialog to support the story instead of being the story. I know you mentioned having dyslexia, but there are some spelling/grammar errors. For example, "Ah your from..." should be "Ah, you're from..." 2. Genre and age group: I'm really unsure about this as there isn't much to go by so I'll say general fiction. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Neither, sorry. 4. Grade: C I'd be interested to read what your original opening was before you changed it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 03:00:42 -0600

Thanks Sibil, yes I agree with that :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 03:58:58 -0600

1. Critique: There are a few things that bother me with this. I am not an expert but I think there are a few issues with punctuation. Also, some sentences are really long and I had trouble with them. There are some spelling errors as well. First paragraph: The first sentence doesn’t work for me, the ‘by now’ feels a little odd. The second sentence is very long. I don’t think you need to tell us she gets up early every day (which is two words) as this is implied. The tense seems to change as well. My suggestion would be: Sammi was used to waking at seven am to get her morning coffee down the street. Ever since Dean disappeared six months ago, she was insistent on getting up early. As if that would bring him back, just because he’d been an early riser too. Second paragraph: Is it possible to carry two cups of coffee in both hands? I’m thinking this should read “a cup of coffee in each hand…” Do you need to tell us he is tracking something down? Would this not be implied by the taking notes and circling things? Fourth paragraph: I don’t think you need to tell us the notes are down on the table (and I don’t think gazebos have tables either) as this was said in the third paragraph. Maybe this: "Shut it, Jesse," she said, not bothering to look at the notes. It was a guilty pleasure, she thought, as she sipped her latte. I’m also wondering what the guilty pleasure is. Is it the coffee or telling the other guy to shut it? 2. Genre/Age group: Fantasy due to the demon reference. 3. Turn the page/buy: neither. 4. Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 09:52:07 -0600

Thanks for the critique but every agent blog and book on book writing says that you must start with your main character not setting. They want action. They want you to show not tell about your character and their inciting problem. I even looked at a number of Mercedes Lackey books and they all start with character some even with dialog. ie. "BY THE SWORD" But I will work on it. Maybe I will change the start point some to where the crier walks though the market square so it is closer to the point of showing the inciting problem. [quote] What's not done today is the immediate helping of backstory right after that (implied) “once upon a time.” We don't fill readers in on the protagonist's life for the past ten years leading up to the story's actually beginning. We also don't spend a lot of time describing the village he lives in, the street he walks down each day to work, his waking habits, or the copious details of each room he enters. Or every bite of the breakfast he ingests or the primary colors of the songbird outside his window. No sir. No ma'am. Not anymore. Edgerton, Les (2007-04-12). Hooked: Write Fiction That Grabs Readers at Page One & Never Lets Them Go (pp. 9-10). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition. [/quote] Big thanks on the grammar and spelling catches. I have gotten a hold of a internet friend of mine who will be beta reading to help me catch those. she is good at that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 13:39:50 -0600

Ok I did redo this and went with changing my start point as I mentioned above. Anyone interested it in my Except on my NaNo page

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Setari — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:41:30 -0600

Thank you for the critique. I knew there was something bothering me with the second paragraph, but I couldn't put my finger on it. So thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:54:28 -0600

1. Critique This is lovely and I can picture myself following Henry as he walks. In saying that though, I find ‘began to wordlessly walk’ a little awkward. For some reason I want to read walk before wordlessly, or maybe ‘…began to walk silently through the house.’ The imagery is nice and evokes my senses, touching the table and the chair etc. But I don’t particularly like the word mangled. It makes me think they ate their breakfast like cave men. Maybe just remove that word? The sentence will still work without it. 2. Genre and age group: Adult historical fiction. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Definitely turn the page and then maybe buy. 4. Grade: A- I would love to read more.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rosage_ink — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 19:30:33 -0600

I'll chime in here with some punctuation advice. Sorry if you don't need the explanations, but since you said you're new to writing and had not caught the issues, I thought I'd include the 'whys' in case they're helpful. :) "Tufts of moist grass and dirt flicked up around her with every step and she could feel it sticking to the backs of her legs." Because both phrases on either side of 'and' could be complete sentences on their own, you need a comma before 'and.' "Her fiery auburn hair left a long trail behind her head licking the air like tongues of flame." There needs to be a comma between 'head' and 'licking' to separate the descriptive phrase. "She pumped her arms furiously and beads of sweat trickled down her back." This needs a comma before 'and' for the same reason as above. "The girl knew her best friend was running along beside her, she could hear his panting and smell his fear. " The comma used here seems incorrect since both sides are complete sentences. I'd recommend either a period or semicolon. "No doubt the Dragon could too." A comma should separate the word 'too.' " Glancing to her right she locked eyes with the boy she’d had so many adventures with, and tilted her head mouthing ‘now’." Several parts of this need commas: after 'glancing to her right,' after 'and titled her head,' and after 'mouthing.' That said, I think the whole thing would read more clearly as more than one sentence. "It was either, take the risk and hope it landed in the right place, or stop running and face the monster behind them." You don't need the comma after 'either.' I hope this all helps. :) Really it's all comma issues, so I recommend brushing up on comma usage while editing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 19:41:36 -0600

Thank you :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:18:58 -0600

Thanks to both of you for reading! (: As for the first sentence, the second "week" should actually say day, that's a mistake on my part, and in regards to "wordlessly walk" I'd agree that "walk wordlessly" sounds better, so I'll definitely go back and take another look. And if you're interested in reading more, I've been working on the first chapter so that it's somewhat presentable, if you like. (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:34:36 -0600

Hi Sovay, yes please. Can you NaNoMail me? Then we can go from there or exchange emails. I hadn't noticed the second 'week' but now that you point it out I laughed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:36:34 -0600

Ooh, I didn't critique but I LOVE Historical Fiction. Me too? :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:37:26 -0600

Winter drove its way fiercely down the narrow canyon. The howling wind forced snow under the hoods of six horse mounted riders cautiously making their way to Aecesstane, the temple of stone. There, the Stone-rite would be given and the only woman among them would slip away forever into the mists of time. One of the horses faltered. Its rider cursed. Falling here meant death. The narrow trail hugged the canyon’s wall high above the water channel that was the main tributary for the river Honorgath, which in turn watered the flat lands behind them. While the tributary flowed year round, continually carving away more of mountain, its flow was blanketed under a solid surface of ice in deep winter. The young woman rode in the middle of the file; her father on the horse behind her. She could sense his unease, but ignored it like she had ignored her mother’s since she was a child. She could barely contain her anticipation. Once she took the Oath, this canyon, and the land of her youth with it, would change while she did not. Like the others before her, she would sleep in a season of stone, until the Sword she guarded was needed again to deliver her people.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:44:46 -0600

I'll send you both what I've edited of the first chapter! There are still a few sentences that are pretty awkward and some details that aren't all the way ironed out, but if you're daring enough to muddle through it, props! (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:51:55 -0600

1. Critique I really like this but I feel you have started in the wrong place. The fourth paragraph is a much better opening sentence to me. “The young woman rode in the middle of the file; her father on the horse behind her. She could sense his unease, but ignored it like she’d ignored her mother’s since she was a child. Winter drove its way fiercely down the narrow canyon. The howling wind forced snow under the riders’ hoods. The six of them were cautiously making their way to Aecesstane, the temple of stone.” This way you don’t need to tell us they are horse mounted riders as you have already shown us. Then re-work the rest to fit around it. One other thing that troubles me is she seems excited about sleeping ‘in a season of stone’; I think I would be terrified to be doing this sort of thing, unless she has been trained from birth to do or expect this? I am intrigued though and would love to read more. I want to know why she is willingly giving up her life to guard this sword. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy 3. Buy it or turn the page: Definitely turn the page 4. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:57:58 -0600

I'm going to agree with KAlast, here. The first three paragraphs don't give me a clear person to latch onto - a place where I can be like, "Oho, THIS is who I'm supposed to care about, okay, cool." I first thought I was caring about the rider of the faltering horse, but then we were back to the canyon, and then we got a young woman riding in the middle of the pack... and that's where things pick up. Trouble is, by the time we got to the young woman, I was already a bit confused. Writing wise, I feel like this is written very well; I definitely get a sense of setting and place, and it works well. If I'd change anything, I'd caution you against using anthropomorphisms (winter drove its way fiercely) because although it sounds nice, it's really a very abstract image to hold onto, especially on your first page. I'd think a little more about what it means for winter to drive its way fiercely down the canyon and dig into the sensory details of it all. I'd turn the page, especially if you started with the fourth paragraph; gradewise, I'd give this a B+/A-. I hope this helps! (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:06:07 -0600

I think you're correct about how to lead in taking too long to get to whats important. I did not even think about the fact that someone reading this for the first time would think it meant her end. I can retool that a bit: see below. I'm worried it sounds hokey in general. Winter drove its way fiercely down the narrow canyon. The howling wind forced snow under the hoods of six riders cautiously making their way to the Aecesstane temple. There, the Stone-rite would be given and the only woman among them would slip away into the mists of time until a Waker came for her. The young woman rode in the middle of the file; her father on the horse behind her. She could sense his unease, but ignored it as she had ignored her mother’s since she was a child. She was a Waker's daughter. She was destined for this and welcomed it. Once she took the Oath, this canyon, and the land of her youth with it, would change while she did not. Like the others before her, she would sleep in a season of stone, until the Sword she guarded was needed again to deliver her people. One of the horses faltered. Its rider cursed. Falling here meant death. The narrow trail hugged the canyon’s wall high above the water channel that was the main tributary for the river Honorgath, which in turn watered the flat lands behind them. While the tributary flowed year round, continually carving away more of mountain, its flow was blanketed under a solid surface of ice in deep winter.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:11:59 -0600

I loved it! I really want to keep reading, it's great. My only comment would be a few minor punctuation errors, but otherwise I was hooked.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sovay — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:25:56 -0600

Thank you so much! That's always good news to hear, and I'll take another look at the punctuation (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:35:27 -0600

I previously posted the first 200 words of my prologue and have made some adjustments from the suggetions I received. It has also made me look at the beginning of my first chapter and I'd love some feedback on that as well. Thanks :-) ______________________________________________________________ It was the morning of the service and outside the weather was cold and windy. The only thing missing to add to the misery was rain. About a year ago my little brother Elliott mysteriously disappeared, just before he turned nine, and he’s never been found. Today was our birthday. He would have been ten, double figures, and I was turning twelve. We were exactly two years apart, by a sheer fluke we just happened to be born on the same date. Standing at the window of my bedroom, I watched the clouds finally lose their fight with gravity, and the rain began to fall. The wind blew it against the house; the water ran little rivers down the window pane. I stared at my reflection in the glass. My dark auburn hair fell in ringlets to my shoulders, and my emerald green eyes stared back at me. My features blurred in parts through the water. I never really considered myself to be pretty, with pale skin and the annoying spray of freckles across my nose, but I wasn’t hideous either. Just plain I guess. Memories of my tenth birthday, and every other birthday for that matter, came to me as I gazed past my reflection to the front yard. The wind was buffeting the trees, sending leaves swirling in all directions, while the rain turned the otherwise dusty driveway to mud.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 22:20:39 -0600

Second Sentence: "The only thing missing from the misery was rain." (?) 'to add to' reads a bit rough to me. Second paragraph: Not sure you need the word "finally" in that first sentence. I like it. I would definitely turn the page. I'm guessing its a YA mystery or thriller.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 22:36:59 -0600

Thank you! I knew that sentence didn't quite sound right. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 22:56:23 -0600

I just checked out your author/novel page. I had a good laugh over the fact that we're both using 'stone' and 'guardian' as major components of our books.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:01:25 -0600

Are we? How funny. The excerpt above though is from another project I'm currently working on. I started it before November and have been trying to finish it. My NaNo novel from this year had been shelved for now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:01:58 -0600

*has* been shelved

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rosage_ink — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:58:37 -0600

I like that your narrator has a clear voice. For the answers to the question: a. To be honest, as-written it wouldn't make me keep reading. The first line is intriguing but then the narrator rambles, which lowers the interest. Conciseness is keep for grabbing attention. I'll give some suggestions below for cutting unnecessary bits out. My other issue is that the first two paragraphs don't give a sense of story, conflict, or premise yet, and it's important to start out with those right away to hook reader attention, even if it's just hints throughout the narrator's speech. The bit about the rule 'excluding Jailinus' is a good example of a bit that creates curiosity about the story and its world. b. I don't mind the smashing the fourth wall. If an obvious narrator telling the story is what works, then it's what works. You'd be a better judge of that than me since you're the one who knows your story. c. The names didn't bother me. d. I see below that you meant it as a Twilight reference. I didn't get that since unhealthy relationships are too vague. They could refer to anything. A specific reference might make it more obvious ("a certain high scool-attending vampire" rather than "a person"). Now, those examples of rambling I promised: "There is no happy ending, there is no happily ever after. " These are basically the same sentiment, and having them both doesn't add anything. I recommend only saying 'happy ending' or 'happily ever after.' "There is just this: we all die." You already said this, so it doesn't need to be repeated so soon. "When I refer to we, I mean those currently alive..." When I first read this part, it was kind of a 'well, duh.' The 'excluding Jailinus' part does seem important though, so maybe find a different way to say it. "Some may think it’s weird that I’m directly addressing the reader" This feels like a weird thing for a narrator to say. Almost like the narrator is apologizing for the way the story is written. I'd recommend taking that part out and jumping directly to the "even though you may not be able to see me..." part since that is a part that creates interest. I hope this advice helps.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 18:21:55 -0600

Did you read the instructions? You were supposed to post only the first 200 words. If you ever decide to make a submission to an agent or an editor, you'll need to abide by their guidelines. Critique based on the first 200 words: Interesting. You've managed to capture and convey Evol's agony to the reader. This will get most readers to turn the page. That line about the human race perishing is also a good hook. Genre and Age Group; Science Fiction, probably postapocalyptic. Age group is more difficult. If Evol is your main character, she's obviously very young. She appears to be pre-teen or younger. Middle grade maybe. However the story seems to be too intense for that level, so I'm really guessing YA. Buy or turn the page: Turn the page. I need to know more before making a decision bout buying. Grade based on the first 200 pages: A- However, if I were a teacher, I'd give you an F for not following instructions.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:08:05 -0600

ok my new opening paragraph needs some critique please, All help appreciated ******************************************************************************************************** Jon Thorison looked up as two unfamiliar young ladies entered his shop. They were not wearing shawls over short-sleeve blouses like most ladies would, instead they had long-sleeve white tunics and this made him wonder. He looked them over closely his trained eyes never straying from them. He saw the tunics were belted over their brown skirts not tucked in as a lady would. After a bit, he realized, what they wore was not skirts at all. What they wore was those skirt pants that were so popular with many off-duty female warriors. He knew they were not new town guards and so, he continued to watch them as they moved about his shop. They walked in a way a practiced warrior would. This told him they had been trained as warriors somewhere. As that thought crossed his mind he smiled. It 'was' about time that the Denten’s send someone down from their academy for supplies, and he was willing to bet that was where these two girls came from.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:23:22 -0600

Critique: When you edit, look for sentence structure, transitions, and tense shifts. You're in past tense in one sentence and in present tense in the next. The second paragraph needs additional information .Starting with 'I saw...', the rest of the paragraph is unclear. The reader cannot be sure of what your character saw. The situation is interesting. Your character appears to be in an extremely stressful and uncertain predicament. Genre and age group: Not enough info to determine genre. Age group is either MG or YA. Buy or turn the page: I'd turn the page. I need to know more before making a decision to buy. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:54:04 -0600

I would probably turn the page...However, there are some grammar issues going on, and that is distracting. I think if you fixed those, it would be really interesting! I'm guessing fantasy, based on the use of women warriors.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 22:32:39 -0600

Thank you for the critique. Will have my friend who I asked to play editor for me have look over it. she is good at catching the grammar mistakes I miss. Grammar not my strong suit though spelling worst due to my dyslexia. So could not live without my spell checker. and yes it is fantasy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DaylanRichards — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 23:04:47 -0600

dyslexia is hard. my sister has that.... keep on truckin!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 05:16:55 -0600

Critique: I think this has the makings of a good story. I wasn't too fond about the break of the fourth wall in the second paragraph. I think the story will work just as well, if not better, if you do not draw the reader's attention to the narrative in this manner. I like how you establish a lot about the narrator by way of his thoughts (and his nicknaming of the guards) without explicitly telling the reader. Overall, it really caught my interest and I would definitely turn the page, maybe even buy the book. Genre: This has to be either fantasy or historical fiction, for obvious reasons. If it's the latter, than the excerpt is obviously too short to critique the level of authenticity, but I do like the little hints that you drop, such as the coat of arms on the clothes of the guards etc. If I were to give this a grade - and, sorry, but I don't know how the American grades system works - I'd give it a 4 out of 5. It certainly entertained me and managed to get me interested.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 05:25:50 -0600

Critique: I like the premise, but this particular excerpt did feel like, well, an infodump. Is there no other way for you to work this into your narrative? Maybe take the perspective of either Raine or Brooke and have them reflect upon it somehow (or have, for example, both of them discuss what the motives of the Supervisors would be)? I don't think your detailed explanation of the situation is absolutely neccesary. You could let the reader discover the history of this war and its consequences more gradually throughout the story. Maybe, in that manner, you could also have it have a bit more impact. There are many gruesome implications here, but they are all stated in a rather bland manner, which is a pity, because there's actually so much drama you could draw from this! :) Genre: Dystopian/Post-Apocalyptic, I assume. It had a bit of a young adult feeling to me, but I could be mistaken. Buy it or turn the page? If you adapted this into a cover text, I would at least leaf through the book after reading it. If this is your first page, I would not turn it, nor buy the book, because while the idea is cool it is executed too poorly. Grade: I don't know the American grading system, so let me attach my own grade. I give the idea in itself a 4 out of 5, but the execution 2 out of 5. You really got something interesting here, try to work it into a novel worthy of your cool idea! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 05:32:54 -0600

Critique: I like the ideas that you put forth. It has an air of mystery to it that hooked me. Your use of language, however, seemed a bit stilted, and might put me off in the long run. Is English your first language? To me it felt as if you were using unnecesary complex words or constructions to communicate your ideas to the reader, and that was sort of distracting, at least to me. Some things were plain redundant, such as 'beseeching request. Grammar and worduse is overall clunky. If English isn't you first language, I think it would work better for you to write in your own native language, because you have some great ideas here! Genre: Historical fantasy, I assume. Buy it or turn the page: like I said, the use of language would be an obstacle for me, but just for the premise, I would keep reading to find out what's going on. Grade: 3 out of 5

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 05:57:45 -0600

Critique: First of all, I've read your earlier excerpt, and you have greatly improved! So kudos to you for that. However, based on your novel's description in your profile, it's either one or both of the girls that are your main characters, not the shopkeeper. Because of that, I wonder about the neccesity of this scene and the focus of the narrative itself. To be very honest (and maybe not so kind) the excerpt has nothing in it that interests me. I would not read beyond the first few lines and definitely not buy the book. If I pick up a new book, I want the opening to have something exciting, some action, some clever dialogue, not a drawn-out description of two people shopping for random supplies. Neither do I really care what clothes they are wearing. Ask yourself, is this really important? Can't you establish that these two girls are warriors by, I don't know, starting with a scene in which they actually fight something? All you're doing now is telling me about your characters - I'd rather you show me! :) On a language level, there's a lot of repetition of words, which really irked me. Ditch the description and you also get rid of that. Genre: Probably High/Epic Fantasy. Turn the page: based on this, a definite no. The premise in your profile is much more interesting, I might consider reading the book based on that. Grade: 2 out of 5, based on this excerpt. For the idea I would give you a 3 or 4 out of 5, but that depends on how you execute it. It's not terribly original in itself, so I would want to see some interesting developments, not just a basic boys vs girls kind of text.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 06:07:05 -0600

Critique: I think you have an easy, flowing way of narrating your story. I like how you set the scene, like your desciptions of the rain, and I like the emotions behind hit. I really - and sorry, there is no way to wrap this kindly - loathe the character description. This kind of thing has been done to death. 'Emerald eyes' almost made me want to bleed my brains out. It's so very clichéd! There's a reason these kind of 'looking at myself in the mirror' scenes are device non grata - they're convoluted and don't work all that well. No twelve year old would look at himself or herself and think that! They're more likely to notice, say, the bruise on their cheek from when they got the volleybal on their face during gym, or the weird pimple that is growing on their brow! So please, don't ruin your story by making these kind of mistakes. You can do better than that! Your use of language is eloquent enough for you to come up with a less heinous way of describing your MC's characteristics - of you feel that you absolutely must. If it has not real relation to your story, leave it out and leave it to the reader's imagination. Genre: Hard to say, could be anything at this point. Buy or turn page: Well...you definitely lost me at 'emerald eyes', sorry. ^_^" Grade: If I disregard the second half of the second paragraph, I give it 4 out of 5.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 06:21:07 -0600

Finding a cabby who was willing to take them to Shadwell was easy enough, though the man’s hansom looked like it had seen better days and the cob between the shafts was all skin and bones. Ezekiel hesitated at its appearance, but Hayley didn’t give it any thought and simply hopped into the cab. He decided to take a leap of fate and followed her example. As soon as he got in the cab and closed the door, it lurched forward, the driver urging the horse onward with audible cracks of the whip and a stream of colourful swear words. For all the cabby’s roughness, he traversed the London roads with amazing precision and skill, plunging the cab through openings so small that the wheels almost scraped against the other vehicles. They moved at a breakneck speed as they dashed past the numerous vans, omnibuses and carts that crept along the street, dodging pedestrians and riders, often at the very last moment. Every bump in the road shook the hansom so vehemently that Ezekiel was sure it was about to fall apart any moment now. With every sharp turn and last-minute change of direction, Hayley and he were tossed left and right. “You’re awfully silent, mister Whateley,” she remarked at some point, after she had wolfed down her second pastry. “I. Don’t feel,” Ezekiel managed to say, “Too comfortable.” Through the window, he saw them edge dangerously close to a cart and he averted his eyes, looking straight ahead. The pie he'd eaten before he boarded was doing somersaults in his stomach.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 07:09:34 -0600

Critique: I like how body-centred this bit is. You describe sounds, smells, feelings; it really makes your writing come to life for me. There are a few things that could be better. I'm not too fond of the first sentence. Maybe you could go for something like "the dragon's roar shook the ground beneath her running feet" or something along those lines. "As the girl ran" seems out of tune with your otherwise very elegant style. Also, you should decide on your viewpoint and stick to it. Body-centred writing works great for limited third person - which your text appears to be. However, with your third sentence, you slip out of it into the omniscient. I doubt the running girl has time to look back, let alone reflect, upon the way her hair is treaming behind her! The end of the second paragraph felt a bit clumsy compared to the rest. You set a quick and exciting pace, and then the narrtive sort of stumbled. I'd cut off the paragraph after "had no other choice'. That it is important for the book to land right way up is apparent in the last paragraph, so taking time to explain that takes the speed out of the narration. Also, the previous description makes it evident that not running would be stupid. ;) Genre: fantasy, obv. Buy or turn page: definitely turn the page. If you fix the viewpoint lapse, I would probably buy. I like the idea behind your excerpt and makes me curious to see what happens next. Grade: 4 out of 5. Tinker with it a bit and it should easily get 5 out of 5! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:23:52 -0600

Edited: A siren wailed. Just another Sunday night, Avery thought, watching the chaos outside her house, dimly lit in the dark. It wasn’t ordinary, but… She watched the old man writhe upon the tree, going limp… limp… Dead. Sadness made her heart clench, but she wasn’t scared. She knew they wouldn’t come to her house. They wouldn’t show their face. They’d just kill and run. That’s what they did after all. A band of vigilantes who shot or strung up whoever they felt the justice system failed to prosecute. Lia will be upset tomorrow, Avery thought about her brash but intelligent best friend. What will she do when she finds out? Avery leaned her head against the cold glass in the window, and heard the noise of her mom making her way upstairs. She wouldn’t force her daughter to come upstairs, not after this. Avery watched the old man sway. When she finally went to bed, when she thought about her first day of school tomorrow, she still couldn’t erase the sway, back and forth, of the dead man.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:36:32 -0600

Critique: Alright, first off you use the words "hansom" and "cab" interchangably. Either explain the hansom through description, or pick one. The former makes me think of a fantasy/steampunk setting, while the latter makes me think 1900's or so... Sometime when "cabs" used horses. :D Either way, two completely different settings mushed together makes an annoyed reader! The names have the same affect, so I won't go into them unless you ask. Plotwise? They're in a cab, and Ezekiel wants to throw up. Ignoring my squemishness for vomit, it's not the... It's not a great hook. Where do they want to go? Why are they getting in a cab? Where did they come from? Starting from any of these questions would be an interesting way to start off a story. Saying a pie is making a character ill is boring, to be frank. Genre: Alternet history, perhaps. You mention London, so it can't be complete fanstasy, it has to be historical, but... Yeah, steampunk/alternet history. Turn the page: No. It's confusing me, but not in a good way. Confusing me in a WTF(rog) way that makes makes the confused reader drop the book and never think of it again. Or remember they never finished it, but forget the title, character's names, ect. Grade: C. I'm sure it *could* be interesting, but you haven't shown that. Maybe start it off further on for more of a hook?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:02:28 -0600

Thank you Twilight7fire. I haven't been writing for very long, about 18 months, so it's nice to know I'm doing some things right. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out the obvious as well. Sorry if I hurt your brains! I'll re-asses and try to come up with some other way. The reason behind the 'emerald' green is there is an emerald in the story and it's part of her heritage and it's a little complicated to explain in one sentence. I will take your comments and work to make this better, thank you!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:16:00 -0600

Thank you very much Twilight7fire. You can actually read the entire prologue here http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forum_comments/982657 This version has a few adjustments based on other feedback I received. I'd love to know what you think. This is also the prologue that comes before the excerpt I posted of the girl with the 'emerald' green eyes :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:23:27 -0600

Critique This has caught my interest, but there are some things I don’t particularly like. Also, please take or leave my comments as you see fit. This is just my opinion. The first sentence is fantastic, short and to the point, and I instantly hear a siren in my head. But the second is very clunky. Can I suggest this: A siren wailed. It was just another Sunday night as Avery watched the chaos outside her house. This is more active by using watched instead of watching. I’m not sure what “It wasn’t ordinary” is about. For me it didn’t fit, and the ellipsis after but confused me. I would suggest leaving this out and maybe continuing with: Through the dim light she saw the old man writhe upon the tree. He went limp, and then he was dead. I didn’t like the “limp... limp... Dead.” If you go limp, this would only happen once. Also, at this point I'm having trouble picturing him in relation to the tree. Is he being hung from a tree? I am picturing him in a noose? If so, I don’t think “upon” is the correct word. Maybe she watched him struggle, swinging from the branch? “They wouldn’t show their face.” This should be faces, plural, as you have said they. It would be face if it was he or she. Grammatically speaking, whoever should be whomever. But I think whoever sounds ok. The final sentence is good and bad. It leaves a lasting impression in my mind of the guy swinging, but I think this could be re-worked to sound better. Plus there is the repetition of the word sway from the sentence before. Maybe something like this: Avery finally crawled under the covers, and thought about school the next day. Even so, she still couldn’t forget the image of the dead man swinging. Do we need to know it’s her first day of school? Is this imperative to the plot? Genre: Maybe thriller or sci-fi. Put down or turn the page: If it was cleaned up a little, yes I would turn the page. I am interested to know what is going on. Grade: B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:33:34 -0600

Thank you for the critique. Kind of funny in the last excerpt I was told put more description in now I am told too much. I sooo need to find the middle ground here. I really can not show them fighting here. The whole opening that shows the inciting incident is them hearing the crier's announcement and learning of the secret discrimination against women warriors in this one high level armed forces. hmmm... [quote=Twilight7fire] If I pick up a new book, I want the opening to have something exciting, some action, some clever dialogue, not a drawn-out description of two people shopping for random supplies. [/quote] I could take it from Jen watching the crier arrive Or maybe better might be just before the crier's announcement. lot deleting and some rewriting....hmmm. lot to think about

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:44:35 -0600

Oh and why yes the girls especially Tracey is the MC the shopkeeper is someone I use in the beginning and the ending because of who he was before becoming a shopkeeper. maybe I will add a possible prequel to my list of possible story ideas for camp.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:55:10 -0600

I think you just need the right detail. Twilight7fire is right, we don't really care about girls shopping for goods, or what they are wearing at the beginning of the story. All that can be established later. Have you considered starting somewhere different? I don't mean time wise in the story, but a different setting. If the crier is what the girls need to notice, start with him. Have him coming into the square, the hussle and bussle of people around him, then maybe the girls come out of the shop to hear the announcement. "The town crier bellowed, and the ding of his bell sounded into the square. The two girls hurried to the door of the shop to see what the fuss was about." Or something to that effect.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 01:40:38 -0600

Dr. Sean Goodman looked down at the broken body of the boy. He heard the mother’s cries and pleas to God over his right shoulder. With each second the boy moved closer and closer to death. Blood poured from the boy’s closed eyes and ears. Dr. Goodman could see the lacerations over the boy’s arms and legs, and he winced at the impossible angles the limbs took. Goodman looked to his left, at the dust the car that hit the boy left as it sped away down the dirt road. He shook his head at the needlessness of the situation. “A life for a life,” Dr. Goodman said turning his head and looking at the mother of the boy. “That’s how it works.” “No, there must be another way,” she said. Her thick accent made her sound as if she spoke with pebbles in her mouth. --JSC “There's no other way,” Goodman said. He held out his left hand toward the woman. She looked at him apprehensively. Goodman shook his hand at her, the motion telling her that soon it would be too late. “Are you sure?” The mother asked again. It sounded like mumbles. “You know that it’s the only way.” Again Goodman shook his hand at her.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 01:42:40 -0600

Oh stupid, stupid me. the --JSC is in the wrong place.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 02:44:30 -0600

First off, I'd like to say that the excerpt intrigues me, the whole "life for a life" sentence gets right to the nitty gritty action and makes me want to read more to find out what he means by that and what's going to happen. The dialogue is also well paced and doesn't seem forced. However, you need to watch the long dialogue tags during more fast paced scenes because it ends up being more of a distraction than a help. What if you have the woman's accent show through the dialogue rather than adding the info in a dialogue tag? With information in mind, I'd also like to say that automatically the presence of a doctor in the first sentence made me think that they were in a hospital and until you mention the first road, there are no significant background descriptions to tell me otherwise, so I would maybe introduce the background sooner by maybe talking about the dirt road within the first couple of sentences. Also, and I'm sure this is more because of trying to get a higher word count, but you tend to use "the boy" a lot, rather than him, or he, or whatnot. Variation is key. Your description with the doctor's gestures towards the woman were a bit vague, so I wasn't sure what he was doing, and on a more serious note, I fell that the doctor's thoughts don't really reflect a professional view on the boy. Instead of just saying the boy is "closer and closer to death", why not have him say it in a more technical fashion, like... "His lung was collapsing from the internal bleeding, he could tell from the way his breath rattled. It was only a matter of time before it drowned him completely." Not the best sentence, but I believe adding some technicalities would make him more believable. GENRE: I'm so bad at guessing these, but I suppose supernatural, or maybe urban fantasy. PUT DOWN/TURN IT: Needs some minor detail oriented touch ups, but I would turn the page. GRADE: C+ Hope this helps ^^

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 02:46:18 -0600

Gah, I always forget to hit the reply button ><. Rather than repost, I'm just going to reply with this so you at least know you got a critique. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 03:08:16 -0600

As if on cue, the rain fell at the break of dawn and continued well into the afternoon, even as the sun begun to set. It rolled down the sides of buildings, swept along alleys to collect in the streets with crushed burger wrappers and used cigarettes, and swirling, disappeared down the grill of a sewer where a girl watched wishing she too could vanish at least for tonight. Mira shifted her weight to the other foot, at the same time glancing backwards at the growing line of people who like her, had only the clothes on their backs to get them through the night. The line wrapped around the around the entire sidewalk surrounding the building. Old women, children barely old enough to clothe themselves, gaunt men garbed in burlap sacks; they all had been waiting for hours in the rain at the last vacant safe house. Soon, though, it would fill up like the others, leaving most to endure the night on their own. She knew the drill, the procedures. Every evening since entering the city, she’d devoted hours waiting in lines for the hope of lodging at a safe house. Yes, she knew it all, but that couldn't stop her heart beating fast as she stood in those lines, waiting without knowing if she'd make it inside that night. Would she make it, she'd ask herself each time, or would this finally be her time to face the night and the monsters it brought?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 03:35:35 -0600

Thank you for commenting. Actually, a hansom is Victorian horse-drawn cab - so the type of vehicle is a hansom and it's function is being a cab. Hence, the driver is called a cabby. In my opinion, there is no other or better way of describing that. So it's not so much two different settings mushed together, as a set-up for a (hopefully well-researched) historical novel. As a BA in Victorian Studies, I do like to think that I know what I'm talking about concerning historical authenticity. ;) It states at the start that they're on their way to Shadwell, so that's where they are going. They're taking a cab because that was a usual way of transport back in the day. Some of your points are valid, I suppose, but I can't help but feel that maybe a lack of historical context does influence your opinion. I have to admit that it does make me wonder how much to explain in a historical novel - I assume that most people have at least a sort of basic knowledge about the Victorian era, if only through films such as Sherlock Holmes. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 10:57:46 -0600

Thank you for your critique. This isn't face paced. In actuality, I am a big fan of the simple, "said," and would have used it appropriately. I didn't notice that I had used the words "the boy" so often. As to, "His lung was collapsing from the internal bleeding, he could tell from the way his breath rattled. It was only a matter of time before it drowned him completely." I've skirted with that for some time, and when I have put it in and let people read it, the complaint is that the medical stuff is boring. And then I would think about it and ask myself and others what is more important the fact that a person is dying or that internal bleeding is causing them to die, and every one of them said the former. So, I don't really know. I can see the valid point you have about putting it in, and I can also see the valid point of others saying that it isn't that important. C+ seriously, damn that's harsh.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:40:51 -0600

Thank you! That was really helpful, some of those things I'd have never though of on my own! :D And then "first day of school" thing is just setting for the next scene, so I have less explaining to do there. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:45:12 -0600

Then I definatly would recommend describing it more, because most readers wouldn't know that, so... It feels awkward. But that's just me. But I'm of the opinion that (while info-dumos are hell) historical novels should be just as explained and detailed as fantasy novels are. Because the average reader knows only bits here and there (and mostly in movies where little is named, and I'm guessing half is probably inaccurate) and knows very little about the details. But *I* don't know much about the Victorian Era, so take that as you will.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alpina'sQuill — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:06:06 -0600

(I thought that the 'closer and closer to death' line worked fine.... I think that the medical description would be too boring... sorry just inserting a comment here)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:10:08 -0600

No that's fine, it just seemed to me that if you brought a dying person in front of a doctor and then another person, they'd probably gauge the situation a tad differently. I do agree that explaining the medical explanation in full detail would be boring, but I also believe a doctor would notice more than blood when looking over someone who is dying. So maybe, something in between the two, like I said, my sample sentence that I offered is not really all that good (way too long) but I think there could be a happy medium.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DesireeGraham — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:21:05 -0600

I say C because it has some good points, but the lack of sentence variation would make me put the book down after a few pages. If you edited that, I'd say B+ to A for sure. Also, I agree that the point of this is the boy dying and the mother's choice, so too much of a focus on the medical would be a bad idea, but like I said in the reply below this one, I think there's a happy medium, even just a couple of words that would establish he's a professional. Ideally, you should be able to take out the word "Doctor" and still know from how he gauges the situation, what he is? And of course, this is my opinion, and if the majority of readers see this as no problem, then don't even worry about it and take what I say with a grain of salt.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WithEyesLookingUp — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:48:17 -0600

He had found it in a trashcan, the one at the corner, right outside of Miss Browning’s classroom. Johnny didn’t have any clue as to why he had paused on his way to class, just to pull some old notebook out from underneath the gum wrappers and pencil shavings that covered it. It had almost seemed to wave him down, with the way one of its corners stuck itself out. The bell had rung a few moments after rescuing it, and so he had stuffed it underneath his arm and quickly went on his way before he had any chance to actually look at it. If he had known how that bundle of pages would change things… ____ Ach, this really needs some work. I'm terrible at coming up with good beginnings. Any help is welcome! =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:11:54 -0600

Ok, these are just some thoughts I had when reading through this. Take it or leave it, it's up to you. Try changing the tense. The past tense of 'had' isn't working for me. For example: "He found it in a trashcan, the one outside Miss Browning's classroom." This, I think, has much more punch. Plus, I don't think we need to know it's on a corner, do you? "Johnny didn't know why he paused on his way to class. The old notebook seemed to wave him down, so he dug through the gum wrappers and pencil shavings to get it." Lastly, I have no real attachment to Johnny, at the moment he is just a boy with a notebook. You need to give me more of a reason to like him, although, I am intrigued. With a bit of re-working I think this could be very interesting.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:22:11 -0600

Critique: I think you need to cut the first paragraph, the story starts at Mira. I don't really care much about the weather; I want to care about the character. You can work details like that in later. I'm assuming Mira is your MC. You have repeated 'around the' in the second paragraph as well. I think your sentence structure can improve, too. For example: Mira shifted her weight to the other foot, and glanced backwards at the growing line of people. Like her, they only had the clothes on their backs to get them through the night. The idea interests me, I'd like to find out what sort of monsters she would face. I'm guessing YA thriller or fantasy. Based on this I would put it down, but with some work I would turn the page. C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KAlast — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:24:29 -0600

Sorry, forgot the rest. YA fantasy. I think there might be a magical element involved with the notebook. At the moment I would put it down. Work on the sentences, and give me a reason to like Johnny, and I would probably turn the page. C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 05:24:14 -0600

I agree that you should try to accomodate your readers in this aspect, however, there is a bit of a dilemma here because my story is written in a third person limited perspective. For the sake of realism, I do wonder how much the characters, who are used to living in this timeframe, would notice about the setting enough to internally of externally comment upon. But that, I guess, is the thorn of writing historical fiction and/or fantasy (since in that respect, they are similar genres). Personally, I get really annoyed if characters observe all sorts of things that they should be totally used to. If I go to work, I don't stop to ponder my car, or the traffic lights, or that one tall building I always pass; they're just regular 'scenery furniture' for me. So why would a historical character stop to think about his hansom-cab, unless there was something noticable (like a derelict state) about it? ;) Actually, you just gave me an excellent idea for a discussion thread over on the historical fiction boards! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rosage_ink — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:11:24 -0600

I agree with the critique you already got, including the fact that this is interest-catching, but just wanted to add one little note that popped out at me: "Lia will be upset tomorrow, Avery thought about her brash but intelligent best friend." The phrase "about her brash but intelligent best friend" interrupts the flow here. I get that you're trying to introduce the basics of a character from the get-go, but it feels clunky to do it this way. We'll get the idea from actions and interactions later on that she's brash, and intelligent, and the main character's best friend, right? No real need to point it out in this scene.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

beanza3 — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:18:33 -0600

True, thank you for pointing that out! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WithEyesLookingUp — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:40:41 -0600

Thank you! :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:25:56 -0600

Hey there, CRITIQUE: So first of all, to address one of the issues raised by beanza3: I had no trouble at all identifying the sort of cab we were dealing with---but I do have a fondness for 19th century Britain, so that might have something to do with it. :-) However, I do think you could make things clearer by referring to cab's...er, propulsion system as a "horse" rather than as a "cob". That word alone would be enough to alert most people (particularly those who are not as immersed in Victorian England as you are) to the fact that we're not dealing with a yellow taxi cab. Secondly, I agree that I think you need a better hook. To your credit, you've begun the story with forward motion, which is one of the first things I look for in a story. That said, give us some hint of their purpose---of why the characters need to get to Shadwell---because at this point, we're too early in the story to care about them or whether or not they get there. So give us a mystery that we can wonder about while we watch them ride in a hansom cab. Third: a minor thing, but I'd have Hayley say "Mr. Whateley" instead of "mister Whateley". Finally, Hayley does not strike me as a name for a Victorian girl of any rank, and the character interactions (brief as they are) don't strike me as being appropriate to that era, primarily because I have no sense of the class of the characters. Hayley and Ezekiel, despite being apparently unrelated to one another, seem to be on very familiar terms (especially given that he names her in his head as "Hayley" and not as "Miss [whatever]"), yet she addresses him by his last name. Also, she "wolfs" down a pastry inside a cab, which does not seem a very classy thing to do. That gives me the impression that she's very young and/or working-class...but Ezekiel is put off by the dismal condition of the cab, which seems to indicate he's of a higher class. So again, where does the familiarity between them come from if they're not related? GENRE: Based on the unusual feel of the character interactions, I second the guess for steampunk or alternate history. TURN THE PAGE: Maybe. I'm vaguely intrigued, but if the next page were more of the same, I'd probably put it down. I need more meat on the bones (plot-wise) and more clarity about the relationship of the characters in order to care about what happens next. GRADE: B Hope that helps! I'd be happy to look at a revised version, if you get around to creating one. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Twilight7fire — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:43:52 -0600

Thanks for your comments! I have to say, I love how you pick up the nuances here! Whateley is indeed a gentleman of sorts and Hayley (it's actually a last name) is a prostitute. So you're right in saying that the interaction is not what you would expect, but, given the social context of the characters, I think it is appropriate. :) I agree that it's a bit vague where they're coming from and where they;re going, but the story starts in medias res and it will soon become apparent what they're up to. ;) Thank you for offering to critique a revision. I'll send you a nanomail if I get around to editing the bit.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Quialiss — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:51:44 -0600

The tiny sparks and sputters from my fire were finally starting to lend a little light and warmth to the pre-dawn air, and now that it had grown enough that I wasn’t worried about it being blown out by a stray gust I had nothing to do but sit and wait for the sunrise when it would be safe to sleep. “You know, sometimes I think I took a wrong turn somewhere along the road. I know there’s no road out here, but people talk about life like it's a road, don't they?” I realized I had an audience. Of course I had an audience, why else was I talking? I couldn’t say when it had arrived. It didn’t matter much; it hadn’t tried to kill me, so it could be as mysterious as it liked. “Anyways, somewhere along the line I must have stepped off the proper road, else I wouldn’t have a horde of undead chasing after me.” “You might ask ‘Gery, why is there a horde of undead chasing you?’ and I might ask the same question of them. Of course, if they answered and you were in earshot I’d have to kill you, but that's part of the package, right?” There was a bit of movement where the shadowy form of my audience had sat; it was getting up. “Oh come now, I was kidding, don’t leave.” It sat back down, and I put away the knife that had appeared in my hand. “Now… You asked a question.” I could see its face well enough now to see it frown, though the light had not improved appreciably. “Didn't you? There was a question, I think you asked it.” It shook its head. “Or maybe I did. Are you sure you're really there, and not just a figment of my imagination?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:49:16 -0600

“An actor?” “Yeah.” “Never heard of it.” “Yeah. I get that a lot.” “So what exactly do you do?” I sigh and run my fingers through my hair as I stare at the bubbles forming along the inside of the beer glass. There are many things I like about my profession, but explaining it is not one of them. “It’s complicated.” “I’ve got time,” the bartender says with a complacent grin. He’s a stocky, whiskery sort of fellow with pale blue eyes and a direct gaze; I already like him, though that may just be the alcohol. Must be a nice job, I think. Pouring drinks, listening to stories, being likable… I drag my mind away from reveries of a simpler, more settled life as the bartender continues to stare at me. “So?” he prompts. “I…uh…” I close my eyes and scrub at my face with both hands. “I…pretend to be other people.” The non-comprehension on his face is a familiar sight; however, a moment later, it’s replaced by an oddly shrewd look, and he glances around before lowering his voice and saying, “Like, a decoy?” “A what?” This is one I’ve never heard before.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:45:36 -0600

CRITIQUE: First of all, I really like this image of your MC sitting there in front of his fire and talking to this mysterious "audience". That said, I find it weird that he starts talking before he realizes it's there, and I think you could get a lot more hook-mileage out of your opening paragraph if you have the protagonist notice the audience right off the bat---and then make the conscious decision to talk to it. Even if the current situation is plausible for your character and the situation he's in, I think the alternative works better in terms of sparking reader interest. I mean, who the hell just starts talking casually to a shadowy being that shows up at his campfire? That's the real hook for me. Secondly: “You might ask ‘Gery, why is there a horde of undead chasing you?’ and I might ask the same question of them. Of course, if they answered and you were in earshot I’d have to kill you, but that's part of the package, right?” It took me several readings to figure out what this paragraph meant, and I eventually figured it out, but it didn't parse very neatly the first few times. For one thing, if you take it literally, it seems like he's suggesting that you ask the horde of undead, "Why is there a horde of undead chasing you?" (that is, after all, the same question). Clearly not what you meant, but that's how it read to me. Also, I didn't immediately understand why the undead answering the question would mean killing the audience if it was "in earshot" because it's not clear whether you mean being in earshot of Gery or of the undead. I take it you meant the undead (i.e. "If you heard their answer to your question, I'd have to kill you"), but again, that's not how it parses right off the bat. My point is that I think all of that can be tightened and clarified. (Also, using the word "undead" to describe Gery's pursuers feels a little...well, gimmicky to me. Just because it's such a loaded word and comes with so many connotations---whether you intend it or not, it feels like you're dropping it in there in an effort to snag our interest, but the effect is so unsubtle that it actually has the opposite effect for me. I don't know if it would make sense in-universe or not, but are there any other terms that Gery could use to describe them? Some sort of slang term? Maybe the word "undead" in some other language? Anything to keep us guessing a bit longer about who these pursuers are? Again, I think you'll get more hook mileage out of creating mysteries for us to puzzle out.) Finally, a few nitpicks: - I think you need a comma after "a stray gust" - Make the dialogue at the beginning into a new paragraph. - Change the comma after "I was kidding" to a period. GENRE: Fantasy, urban fantasy, or horror TURN THE PAGE: Probably. The thing that most intrigues me is the final line where I suddenly begin to suspect that Gery may not be a reliable narrator (or that his perceptions may be skewed/screwed in some way), so I'd probably read at least a page more to see where it was going. GRADE: B+ (88)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

coolpearls — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 15:29:21 -0600

I like it! Already in the first 200 words, you've shown that the MC has some inner conflict going on. He doesn't like explaining his job, he seems to think he's not likable, he's been drinking a bit if he thinks his judgment is being impaired by it. You did a nice job. Your dialogue flows really well, and the present tense works. The only thing is because the bartender has never heard of an actor before, it makes me think it's a historical fiction, which makes me wonder why they're speaking so informally. "Yeah" and lots of short, choppy sentences. The dialogue would work in modern day, but in 1300s England (or whatever)? I don't know. Then again, I don't know if that's where it's set. I just assume that. I guess it would also be some kind of dystopian society or alternate earth? I'd keep reading to see where it was going and where it was set. I wish I could offer more constructive criticism, but the writing is really clean. A- Only a minus because I'm not quite sure of the setting :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Quialiss — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:31:26 -0600

You may want to start setting the scene earlier, for the first few lines I've no idea what I am supposed to be seeing or hearing, which is a shame because when you do describe the characters it's aptly done, the two of them have very distinct, enjoyable voices. The actual setting is somewhat hazy, I know they're in a bar, but not much else. The bartender saying 'I've got time' implies to me that the establishment is nearly empty, if that's not the image you're going for, there need to be a few more hints about setting. Nits, the italics on the MC's thoughts aren't necessary and are distracting, and there should be a space after your ellipses. Turn the page: I'm intrigued, you've implied that somehow the world you're writing about is almost entirely lacking an entertainment industry, which is strange enough an introduction to get me to turn the page to try to figure out where you're going with it. Genre: Mainstream fiction, maybe? Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

coolpearls — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:02:37 -0600

You nearly lost me with the first sentence. It's a little long and convoluted. These sentences seem contradictory to me: [quote]I realized I had an audience. Of course I had an audience, why else was I talking?[/quote] Like, did he realize it or not, and when? [quote]It didn’t matter much; it hadn’t tried to kill me, so it could be as mysterious as it liked. “Anyways, somewhere along the line I must have stepped off the proper road, else I wouldn’t have a horde of undead chasing after me.”[/quote] Should probably start a new paragraph here. Almost seems like "it" is talking. [quote]Of course, if they answered and you were in earshot I’d have to kill you, but that's part of the package, right?[/quote] Why would he have to kill you? It makes it seem like he's trying to hide why they're chasing him, but right before that, it seems like he didn't know. With the next two paragraphs: make new paragraphs when he talks or the reader might believe "it" is talking. Also, why is it "it"? Is it not a person? Are you just trying to be mysterious by not telling us if it's a man or a woman? I'm guessing genre is paranormal or horror, since there's a horde of undead! :p You've probably got a lot of action going on, though, since he's running from something. That intrigues me, but. . .to be honest, probably not enough to read on :-/ The writing is a bit muddy to me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Quialiss — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:12:51 -0600

Thanks for the crit, you've given me some ideas on how to make the first paragraph intriguingly weird as opposed to confusingly weird, and maybe get some of that feeling that he's not quite all there at the beginning, too. Thanks for pointing out how confusing that one line is, I'll see what I can do about that. I don't think I can get away with not using 'undead' without making up a word to replace it, and to me that feels more like a gimmick, I hate using made up words when there's already a perfectly good one available. Maybe part of what irritated you is that I use it twice in two lines? Worse, it's the exact same phrase, 'horde of undead.' Food for thought for me...

coolpearls — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:52:19 -0600

Grace loved the vineyard. It stretched over miles and miles, and she and Dar could disappear for hours without anyone ever finding them. Today, it was warm, the sun baking down on the grapes, causing the fragrance to surround them. She lay on a blanket Dar had brought, staring up at the clouds. Dar was next to her, putting flowers in her blonde hair. His olive-colored skin was dark from the summer sun, and his black hair, in need of trimming, curled at his ears. “If I move, will I ruin your masterpiece?” she asked. “Yes, you definitely will,” Dar said. “So don’t move.” “What are you doing to me?” “You look like a nymph.” Dar pulled his hands back and gazed intently at her. His dark eyes traveled over her hair, her face, her chest. “I wish I could freeze this moment in time and carry it around with me.” Grace took his hand, raised it to her lips, and kissed it. “I really want to kiss you, but I’m not moving.” He smiled and bent down. He kissed her, entwining his fingers through hers.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alice Rocker — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 09:37:16 -0600

I caught onto a fragment of a memory just as the sun started to come up. Just a face. A few strands of hair, and a pair of bright eyes. I snagged onto it and held on for dear life. All the strength left in my body went into keeping that memory front and center. Repeating over and over again why I had to stay on that earth. Finally, after what felt like years of suffering, I underwent the last change of the night. It was freeing. I was so happy to feel my skin tearing away and to get my (very, very numb) fingers back that I cried out in happiness. Her face still filled my mind. My body shivered for the last time that month as the sun began to shine above me. “Oh, God, Cinni,” I choked out into the silent morning. “Why?” My own voice sounded strange, deeper than normal. Every syllable hurt. My voice broke three times within the four word sentence. Then I threw up everything that happened to be in my stomach. I wiped my mouth and ran my fingers over my skin thankfully. I couldn’t have been happier to wake up naked in the middle of forest only to throw up four seconds after returning to my natural species, completely torn up and unable to move my leg without wincing as pain shot up my leg. I could really use some feedback. Read and reply please? :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alamorn — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 11:35:14 -0600

Sorry for late reply - Thank you so much for this! It's very useful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 17:34:11 -0600

You're welcome! Glad you found it useful. :-) Well, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree about the word "undead". :-) I don't like it as much because, as I said, it feels like an unsubtle way of telling us what's going on, and as I said, I like mystery at the beginning of a story. Though, to be fair, I'm kind of assuming you mean zombies, since zombie stories are pretty popular at the moment. Actually, that said, I think another part of my problem with the word "undead" might be that it doesn't exclusively refer to zombies, though in zombie stories it's often used interchangeably with the word "zombies" because that's the kind of undead you're dealing with. But it's a bit like saying that one is being chased by "animals" rather than specifying that one is being chased by "wolves", if you see my meaning. Anyhoo, just my two cents. Best of luck!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 17:36:59 -0600

Thank you for the feedback and the compliments! It's true that the setting does seem rather unspecified here at the beginning; it does become clear within the next page or so, but I'll see whether I can get away with dropping a hint a bit sooner. It's actually science fiction, believe it or not. :-)

Re:

Tricket — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 00:13:29 -0600

1. Critique? I think you have a very good picture in mind of this scene, and with a touch of edit I think you can get it translate just fine to page. The scene is almost dreamy - almost, but not quite there. I'm not quite in the orchard with you, or quite laying here with these characters. I want to be - I want to feel the sun, smell the grapes, but... I thinking spending a touch more time with vineyard itself would really help. I actually like that you open with the vineyard - vineyards are pretty romantic places - but I think you can go a touch more indepth with it. Here, setting up the scene will go far in creating this special atmosphere for your characters. For example, what kind of shadows play upon the ground as the sun dances overhead? How juicy are the grapes? How quiet is it? And for the smell - what does it smell like? How sweet is it? What does it remind Grace of? A bit more will go along way. As for your characters, a bit more emotion in their faces, hands, etc. will also go along way. How does Dar look down upon her? Do their gazes linger? Does Grace giggle? How do their voices sound? You're giving quite a bit of dialogue, but not a lot of characterization to go along with it. Remember, most communication is done through our faces and body, so describing motions, etc. will really help. Also, some wise adjectives will help. Don't be afraid to really paint your pictures here. Really bring us into the setting and the characters. Some nitpicks: sun baking down on the grapes - sun baking the grapes would work just as well... She lay on a blanket Dar had brought - Unless it is utterly important to describe that Dar brought the blanket, skip the Dar had brought, and use your words elsewhere. Just a bit more time, and I think all will be good. 2. Genre and age group? Romance/adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Niether... Not really a romance fan - sorry... However, with a bit of rework, you might spark my interest enough to turn the page... 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lyrwriter — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 01:13:12 -0600

Thanks for the comments! I'll see what I can do about introducing the setting a wee bit sooner. You're partially right about the entertainment industry: the novel takes place in a future where live theatre is almost unheard of, and Anthony (the narrator) is an actor in the only itinerant (spacefaring) Shakespeare company in existence. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Quialiss — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:37:54 -0600

Thank you for your comments! I'll try to remember to make sure it's clearer who is speaking when, it's a bit awkward here because it's a one sided conversation. Some of the confusion about two of the lines you pointed out probably stems from the fact that the narrator is quite insane, but there's other ways of showing that... I see lots of editing fun in my future trying to keep his voice intact while getting rid of needless confusion for the reader.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 17:25:06 -0600

Just a reminder from the rules... 8. Don't demand, "Where is my critique" if you haven't done one yourself. Not good at critiques? This is a good time to practice. Reciprocity is the greatest obligator in the world. Of course, I learned a non-reply is one of the harshest critiques around. TT

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alice Rocker — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 18:10:24 -0600

Oh, sorry...I apologize if I was too pushy. I guess putting please on the end of things doesn't really take the point of it away, huh? Just ignore my post if you want. I should really work on reading directions. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Quialiss — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 20:41:16 -0600

Huh, that's a whole different problem I hadn't considered. I suppose large masses of undead are generally zombies in fiction, but in my novel the only type of undead that are less numerous than zombies are vampires. They're both so overused and there is a ton of folklore to dig into for other ideas. I'll have to keep the 'zombie apocalypse horde of undead' stereotype in my head while I'm editing so I can make it clearer that that's not what's happening. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arrora — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 13:24:32 -0600

{For Alice Rocker's 200} Nice hook. I think the last three sentences in that paragraph take away from it a little bit; they're pretty much saying the same thing three different times, three different ways. Do you need the parenthesis? If you use them regularly in the rest of the novel, keep them. But they look out of place and detract from the imagery of the line. I think you could just say 'very, very numb fingers' without the weirdness fine. I don't think you need 'My voice broke three times within the four word sentence'. 'My voice broke' or 'My voice broke three times' would sound cleaner. I like how your MC is connecting their pain to Cinni. It makes me want to know who she (she, right?) is and what her relationship with your MC is. Genre and age group? Fantasy/Suspense. High YA? Buy it or turn the page? I would turn the page. I love fantasy (especially when there's pain on the first page) but I'd need to see something to really separate this book from the other ones on the shelf. Grade? (Letter System) B Notes: I liked it. It was a nice beginning and your writing style is pretty strong. But it seems to me a little like a thousand other YA romance/fantasies out there. I don't know enough about it to really now this. It could be amazing and totally different then anything out there, but these 200 words sets it up like it might be. Good?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arrora — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:32:46 -0600

When he escapes there is no slammed doors, no threats screamed from the top of the stairs or poppy-red marks on his face from a stinging backhand. No one stands in his way and demands he stay. He runs, the sound of his breath and his heartbeat and the slap of his shoes on the sidewalk loud in his ears, and he runs as if the devil himself is chasing him. But when he works up the courage to glance over his shoulder, there is no one. When Dane runs he runs from silence. It weighed down on him, physical and constricting and choking, until he opened his mouth and found he couldn’t breath. The impossible silence had leeched away all of the air, but the people had not noticed. Maybe they were not human and did not need air, because they went on living as if nothing was happening while he slowly suffocated. So he runs away. He runs until every breath is a sharp knife in his chest and his legs ache. Until he is in a place where the streets are dyed red and scorched black, where people with hungry eyes watch from behind drawn curtains.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:17:27 -0600

Hot anger tore through Sydney as she sprinted down the street. Winding in and out of the crowd and sprinting dangerously across a busy street, she stopped to catch her breath and look back. The group of boys who were chasing her were now a block away, but she was sure she hadn’t quite lost them. She slowly forced herself to release the dangerous anger that filled her, and leaned against the dirty brick of the alleyway. She could tear them apart if they caught her. She would show them that she wasn’t a wimp. But what would that do? It would just mean another week suspended from school by a principle who wanted her to leave school anyway. Sydney slunk back into the alleyway, keeping a watchful eye on the boys as her view of the group disappeared behind the grayish brick. She only had to get down to the Underground, and she wouldn’t be followed. No one dared to go down there anymore. A quick glance both ways told Sydney that the street on the other side of the alley would be empty enough for the next three seconds to cross. There were no safe places to cross in the Town of Grubindy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:32:41 -0600

1. Critique? Very poetic (I think that's the word I'm looking for.) The metaphors and figurative language you use conveny a very bleak and hopeless scene, and I can really feel the emotion. I think that your discription of the silence in the third paragraph is a bit much, and it takes away from the mood. "Maybe they were not human and did not need air" is almost funny. Also, I think that it's hard to tell if he literally ran to a place with red streets or if it was just a metaphor. And a little nitpick: shouldn't it be "there are no slammed doors"? 2. Genre and age group? Literary and adult? I'm not good with genres. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. I might read a bit more, but I would need something big to really suck me in. I almost never read these types of books. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B- It's my first time doing one of these, so I don't know how much help this'll be.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ramina — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:38:02 -0600

Jack is the leader of the Dreamers. It is our job to get rid of the darkness. Darkness invades your dreams and if there is enough of it, it can kill you. Usually humans have weird dreams or wake up in the middle of the night with no explanation. When they do, that is when your body is trying to alert you of the darkness but can't get rid of all of it on its own. The darkness is our sworn nemesis for all eternity. They are the ones that cause nightmares and they can easily bring the dead back to life as spirits. These spirits can only be seen in the fourth dimension of our world. The fourth dimension is where the spirit and dreaming world overlap with the living world, the third dimension. Bad souls rest in the fourth dimension where they can accumulate darkness inside of them and grow in strength. From there they can also invade a persons dreams and make them do vile things. Since the spirit world overlaps with the living, those in the spirit world can see the living world but the living cannot see the spirits. It's like a one-way mirror a bit.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Arrora — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 19:08:51 -0600

Thank you for the critique. It was really helpful :) Rewrite time!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

bikegirl115 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 21:46:15 -0600

For ramina 1. Critique? This sounds like an intriguing universe; it makes me think about when I wake up in the night in different terms. Maybe that explains the recurring nightmares I have... This is a lot of exposition for the first couple of paragraphs. Maybe instead of telling all of this information to the reader in these sentences, draw out the information over the first couple of chapters? I really want to learn more about Jack. The sentences are also choppy at times, especially in the second paragraph. Grammar things: I can't tell what POV it is supposed to be in from the first two sentences ("Jack" then "we"), also "person's dreams" should have an apostrophe, "humans" then switches to the second person "you", try and stay consistent. 2. Genre and age group? Horror, Supernatural Can't tell the age group. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Probably not, because I'm a wimp and this would give me more nightmares than I already have... 4. Grade? (Letter System) C. Great idea, but my suggestion is to make it more of a hook and less of an exposition.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

bikegirl115 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:05:39 -0600

Someone once tried to sell his brother drugs under the lunch table. If I over-think this, I wonder if it could have been the brother of the person sitting next to him in Sunday school, or one of the brothers of the other French horn player, but that might just be me making too many connections and over-analyzing and forgetting the difference between Michael and Matthew. Because, really, if you meet someone named “Mike” or “Matt”, are you going to remember which one he is? Never mind Biblical analogies, never mind historical figures, never mind brothers’ names. All I know is that it wasn't my brother trying to sell illicit substances; he was in first grade at the time. I think his parents did well with his name, though possibly not as well as my parents did with mine. Neither of ours would be mistaken for anyone else in the school, but his might be mistaken for a talking mouse. That book always freaked me out anyways; I preferred White’s Elements of Style, Third Edition. Even as a child, I never liked animal books. Why not write about humans, if you're going to make the animals think like humans, anyways? Humans are brilliant and complex and diverse, and that's not to say animals aren't... but, well, nothing is more engaging than a good old human story of unrequited love.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

bikegirl115 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:24:54 -0600

1. Critique? I want to know more about Sydney after reading this excerpt! Why are the boys chasing her? How can she tear them apart? What is the Underground to which she needs to cross? Her inner voice is well done in this introduction, and it's the perfect way to bring the reader in. Some clarity things/ awkward phrasing: "she was sure she hadn't quite lost them", "alley would be empty enough for the next three seconds to cross" (I actually thought it was "three seconds" crossing....), "keeping a watchful eye on the boys as her view of the group disappeared behind the grayish brick." But besides these nitpicky things, I really enjoy this. The pacing is good; it draws the reader in. 2. Genre and age group? I'd hazard a guess at YA Supernatural or Fantasy, but it might be only Realistic Fiction. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page for sure. I want to know what's going to happen and who Sydney is. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

PeverellSister — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 07:38:02 -0600

Thank you so much for your critique! And yep, the genre is YA Fantasy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Yah00 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 21:18:06 -0600

1. Critique? Confusing. I think other posters are right to say that this is VERY abrupt. I'm not too sure where this story is going (sorry!). Seems interesting, but needs a bit of work! You're getting there. I can tell you worked hard on this so I don't want to seem rude or overly critical! 2. Genre and age group? YA, dystopia (with the District Tower bits and all!), maybe sci fi? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page...or put it down. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Yah00 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 21:23:56 -0600

Used to be a beautiful place. You see? You see it?” I nod, but I do not believe the soft-spoken, old beggar woman who tells me this as I share her thin blanket on this particularly cold evening. Her stories seem wistful and unrealistic, though a dull glimmer of memory reflects in her eyes as she speaks. For now, to me, the city seems starved, its boney alleys too thin, its squares dimly lit and abandoned. Waters cut the city into its small puzzle pieces connected by broken, uneven bridges, and seem to further bury the coldness into the bones of its inhabitants. The old woman shifts as she wraps a dirty rag around her gray locks, pulling it into a head shawl for warmth.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 18:54:58 -0600

1. Critique? I really like description, especially in the last paragraph. It's all very poetic. It also makes me wonder why this person is sharing a blanket with a homeless woman. Luckily, it's short so there isn't much room for mistake, but you seem to be missing a quotation mark in the beginning. I think the second sentence sentence in the last paragraph is a little wordy, albeit poetic, but other than that, I think it's pretty good. 2. Genre and age group? Eh...literary/mainstream fiction maybe. Or there could be a twist and it could end up being a fantasy. I don't know, I'm bad at guessing Young adult 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page (I have to look at a good amount of the book before buying it) 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 19:00:49 -0600

Lena couldn’t deny it. The hours she spent cradled in Will’s arms, only concealed by his bed sheets, as gallons of morning blue filled the bedroom, were hours of mental rest, not broken up by disruptive thoughts. It was like taking infinitesimal steps into a warm sea and feeling the rest of the world slip away from her, as she was scrubbed clean of thought and absolved by the rush of the marine surf. In just those few hours, all of her stress had washed away like sandcastles. And even when a powerful wave would crash into her, swallow her whole, and blunt her sharp tongue with salty water, she was still in total serenity. It was only when she awoke the next morning that she found herself having been spat out of the ocean’s throat and left lying on the rough sand, cold and wet with saltwater burning away her breath and stinging the whites of her eyes. Only then did her grains of worry thicken, become concrete, heat up into sheets of razor-sharp glass.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 01:39:42 -0600

Dr. Sean Goodman’s second patient after the siesta on the blisteringly hot day was Horacio Alejo Francisco de la Castillo, descendant of the noble race of Spaniards who, several hundred years ago, landed on the beach with their guns and diseases, and wiped out much of the native population, or caused them to flee to the mountains. Like his ancestor’s before him, and the many generations of male machismo that preceeded him, Horacio Alejo, didn’t like seeing the médico. Until he had started getting careless with his hunting, he only went to see a physician when he let himself get careless with the prostitutes at the whorehouse and needed antibiotics for the resultant burning in his penis. Today, Horacio Alejo burst into Dr. Goodman’s single examination room. He looked around the sweltering room, but didn’t feel the heat. One hand was covering the wound he got from a jaguar that surprised him last night as he carelessly led his horse under a group of trees on the way to fresh water. In the other hand he held a chicken by the neck, feathers flying in every direction as the bird fought for its life with the flapping of its wings and attempted scraping of its talons against the rough leather of Horacio’s riding chaps and holster that held an ancient pistol. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 01:59:22 -0600

Your first paragraph, namely the second sentence is sloppy. There are too many descriptive phrases and it is clunky. It needs some rewriting to make it more concise and clear. The second paragraph, is a little better. However, the symbolism of water and cleansing is old has been done many, many times. I am not saying that one cannot use that symbolism, but it has to be fresh or else it reads as trite and old. Like the first paragraph, this one needs work as well. You have punctuation errors, namely the comma splice and the missing comma in the first sentence. The third paragraph begins like the second one. If the second paragraph were a little longer, it would not be so bad. You carry the symbolism into this paragraph, and that is nice, but, like the second paragraph, it is water as cleansing. One thing that I did notice was that you say in the second paragraph that the sea was cleansing and in this third, "saltwater burning away her breath..." I do not like this turn of symbolism. It, too, is clunky, and needs a second look. Genre: Young Adult Buy it or turn the page: No Grade (Letter System) C --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Wilson3sd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 09:44:21 -0600

@J_S_C You can break the first sentence into parts while still retaining the info you want in. As to the secondary clauses, he would be "a descendant." What confuses me is why are you using "the" when describing the Spaniards?You begin by describing them in what I can only guess would be Horacio's manner, and then juxtaposing it with the reality of Spanish conquest in Central and South America. There's a disconnect. You have two separate redundant bits in a row. The first may be fixed by folding machismo into the "ancestor's" line (although I don't believe you need an apostrophe there) or by cutting "ancestor's" all together and just use preceding male generations. Then you can cut the comma between Horacio and "didn't like seeing the medico." The other redundancy is simple, "with the prostitutes" or "at the whorehouse" both is over-explanatory. The second paragraph was much simpler, clear and easier to read.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Wilson3sd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 09:45:04 -0600

Also, High B+ and I'd buy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Alice Rocker — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 10:21:34 -0600

I'm sorry. I never properly thanked you for your critique. I really appreciate it and will definitely fix those things. Ah, yes. The problem with fantasy. Setting them apart. *sigh* Thank you again. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:23:53 -0600

I actually chose to post this passage because it is one of my least favorite ones I've written so far. I liked it when I first wrote it, but I kept rereading it, and it just wasn't working for me. Basically, I'm wondering if I should just cut it all together and replace it with a completely different thing, or if I should simply try my hand at fixing it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 12:55:26 -0600

Your first sentence is three and a half lines long. Too long. "Like his ancestors before him, and the many generations of male machismo that preceded him ..." sounds a bit like tautology. Also, check the meaning of "machismo". I don't see what machismo has to do with not wanting to see a doctor. What era is this novel set in? The discovery of penicillin was made by Alexander Fleming in 1928, but the term "antibiotic" did not come into common usage until WW2. He's very "careless", your hero: careless with his hunting, careless with prostitutes, careless with his horse ... My overall impression is that there is too much description of Horacio's background and too little of anything significant happening to encourage me to turn the page. Genre: Historical romance? Age group: Adult Buy it or turn the page: neither Grade: C-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Yah00 — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:35:53 -0600

Thank you for your critique, and I have to say-- you were spot on with most of your comments! Hahah, i'm only 17, so i guess I need to work on my writing (i have a long way to go!) but I really want to become a novelist one day :) Anyway, thanks again!!! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Yah00 — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:47:40 -0600

Very good job! I liked your passage. Maybe a few changes would make it perfect: Lena couldn’t deny it. The memories were too sharp, too fresh: the hours she spent cradled in Will’s arms, thinly concealed by his bed sheets, warmed by his breath on her own. as gallons of dawning blue filled the bedroom. Her memories felt like a never-ending film roll, unwinding for hours, never broken up by other disruptive thoughts. It was the first steps taken on the beath, the fresh crunching of her toes against warm sand. New, but familiar. A warm sea and feeling that allowed the rest of the world slip away from her. Lena was scrubbed clean of thought and absolved by the rush of the marine surf. The salty ocean water had a soft thumb that wiped her fears away as if it were her mother's cheap lipstick, smeared on the corners of her lips. It left her clean, calm, protected.. It was only when she awoke the next morning that she found herself having been spat out of the ocean’s throat and left lying on the rough sand, cold and wet with saltwater burning away her breath and stinging the whites of her eyes. **I felt like the imagery of a mother felt right...something that Lena craved and got temporarily from Will (it seems) during their nights together. I changed a few lines, added a few, took a few. A bit of nipping and tucking, so to speak. Otherwise, very good job! Loved it, keep going :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 22:46:37 -0600

Well, yours is better than mine. As I said before, I didn't know if I should just cut this passage all together, or merely alter it, but seeing how you would go at it gives me an fairly good idea what to do with it now.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 11:59:03 -0600

A loud sound of colliding and crashing metal, an airbag exploding forward, his son’s body crashing forward were the first things that came to his mind as he glanced around him, his car twisted into a huge metal madness, the sirens blaring in the distance. My son. Logan. Where’s Logan?! He frantically thought as he tried to stand, tears filling his eyes. “LOGAN!” He screamed. “LOGAN!” There was no response as paramedics came to the scene and surrounded him. “LOGAN!” He screamed, his voice hoarse. He collapsed to his knees in utter despair. “LOGAN!” The paramedics gently lifted him off of his knees and tried to load him onto a stretcher. Ben tried to take it all in as he pushed them away, watching the firefighters as they lifted a bloodied body out of the wreckage. His heart sank as he realized. He knew. “No, no, NO! No God, no, please no!”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 15:04:34 -0600

A powerfully-written emootive opening, spoiled a bit by the first paragraph. It is very apparent from the outset that you are talking about a car crash. Even if your readers are lucky enough never to have been involved in a bad crash, they don't need to be told that the sound of the collision is likely to be loud. If you allow the reader to use his imagination a bit, you give them more opportunity to engage with your text. Have a good look at the words you use to describe the crash. You have used "forward" in consecutive sentences. You could cut the first completely with no loss of meaning. There is also something a bit odd about the fact that the driver appears to be glancing about him, taking in the whole action as the car crashes. While many people will say things "seemed to happen in slow motion", speaking as one who has overturned a car, it was actually the events leasing up to the collision that appeared in slow motion ... something I realised I was powerless to prevent. Once the crash is 'in process', shock would prevent most people from registering what was actually going on around them. The first paragraph is a bit muddled. If the car has come to a rest after the crash and the driver glances around at his twisted car ("metal madness" doesn't quite do it for me - looks too humorous), it surely means that he is still in the car. And, if the car was that twisted, would he be able to get out without help? He could, of course, have been thrown clear, but it doesn't read that way. With a better first paragraph, this could be a great opening for a novel. I would definitely want to turn the page. Genre: Thriller or mainstream Age group: Adult / YA Buy or turn the page: turn the page Grade: B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:02:40 -0600

I've had a major rewrite of the opening page. Here's the new one: Iris only noticed that she had cut herself when the juice from the onion found its way into the shallow slice she had made in her index finger. “Careful”, said Rose, “the knife’s sharp.” “So I have just discovered”, said Iris. It never ceased to amaze Iris how her sister managed to produce meals in this antiquated kitchen, devoid of even the most basic labour-saving devices. She didn’t even have a garlic press, for heaven’s sake. Being seen as unspoiled might be very commendable, but Rose wore her ‘unspoiledness’ like a badge of honour. Rose stirred a quarter bottle of red wine into the Bourgignon, covered the chipped enamel pan – Iris recognised it as an old one of their mother’s – and put it in the oven. They poured two glasses from the remaining wine and sat down opposite each other at the kitchen table. “I’m pregnant”, said Rose. Iris didn’t respond immediately. The news was so utterly unexpected that she was temporarily lost for words. Iris wasn’t even aware that Rose had a boyfriend and yet she had always thought herself the rock on which Rose could rely: throughout the dangerous liaisons of her youth, her flirtations, her protracted extrication from a disastrous marriage and her many subsequent relationships, Iris had always been there for her. There were many things that Iris could reasonably have said, but “How?” probably wasn’t what Rose was hoping to hear.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

thecharmedbaja — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:22:46 -0600

Sloane Harris sat alone at the dinner table with the door wide open behind him to the permeating heat which blanketed the whole of the Earth. He slouched staring at the opposite wall, his jowls quivering as he practically swallowed the cut of beef whole. The fork – which he held as if it were a shovel – was already full before he had swallowed his previous mouthful. Within two minutes, he had finished the meal, and rose to put his single, lonely plate in the dispenser machine. He sat down again at the same seat, pondering on how to entertain himself that evening. He could hear the entertainment system from his living room through the thin walls, but felt this night was different. He could no longer sit passively, yet he knew that nothing would come of that evening, as all the other ones previous when he had felt this way. So he simply sat, sucking the leftover food from the diastemata of his crooked teeth and wondering when he could ever break free from the monotony of modern day life. Sighing every now and then, Sloane grumbled about his dead end job and his horrendously low salary; the way his colleagues treated him and the sleepless nights he had to endure because of all his woes.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

thecharmedbaja — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:23:36 -0600

“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Snake hissed. His words poisoned Eve’s thoughts like the bite the serpent could infringe on her at any moment. She knew He would not be pleased if she breached The Most Important Rule Of All, but curiosity swelled in her being until she was overwhelmed by the idea. Alas, if only she already knew of good and evil: with such a powerful tool, she could have distinguished Snake’s smile for a smirk. Instead, that bare arm of hers reached to one of the tree’s fruit. Pulling it off, the snap of the stalk gave her a feeling of satisfaction: she had not died yet, as God had said. Perhaps Snake was correct in his teaching. Feeling further justified for her actions, she raised the apple to her lips, sniffing the fruit before taking a large bite from its luscious red flesh. Besides, she thought, if God is omniscient, He must have planted the Snake on her path: this must be the route He wished her to take… But her thoughts faltered as the juices of the apple dripped down her chin and the fragrance rose to her nose.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

thecharmedbaja — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:28:29 -0600

I agree largely with your critique, overthehill :) I also wanted to add that perhaps to make the first paragraph more readable, you could use semi colons instead of commas? So perhaps: A loud sound of colliding and crashing metal; an airbag exploding forward; his son’s body crashing forward. Those were the first things that came to mind as he glanced around, his car twisted into a huge metal madness; the sirens blaring in the distance. I only say this because to me, it sounds more dramatic and intense, and perhaps grips the audience more. Anyway, just a thought!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:07:19 -0600

Critique: Nice opening line, “permeating heat which blanketed the whole of the Earth.” Makes me want to read on. What have we got here? A post-apocalyptic world may be? I’m hooked … Or am I? Unfortunately, for me, the rest of the text doesn’t live up to the opening. We have an apparently bored man devouring his meal, getting up, putting the plate in the dispenser and sitting down again. Oh, ok, he “felt this night was different.” I’ll read on … “He could no longer sit passively, yet …” he sits sucking his teeth and grumbling about his dead end job … It’s not really much of a hook when you look at it. Additionally, I was irritated by having to refer to the dictionary for the meaning of diastemata. Is that word really necessary? Couldn’t you just write “sucking the leftover food from between his gappy teeth”? Sorry to be harsh, especially as your opening line makes me think there is a really good story lurking in there somewhere. Genre: Mainstream fiction or post-apocalyptic fantasy? Age: Adult Buy or turn the page: refer to back page blurb and may be turn the page Grade: B for writing, C for hook

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:57:17 -0600

My goodness these boards are DEAD, aren't they? Very frustrating. Critique: Not sure about "... the bite the serpent could infringe on her at any moment". Did you mean "inflict"? I'm also not sure that knowing about "Good and Evil" is a tool, as such. It sounds odd. You could say something like "If only she understood Good and Evil: with such powerful knowledge, she could have distinguished ..." I get that you are trying to emphasise Eve's nakedness with the mention of "that bare arm of hers", but I don't think it works very well. It looks almost humorous. And is Snake really "teaching"? Eve's thoughts may be poisoned, but she still respects God's word, as shown by "She knew He would not be pleased ..." Perhaps you could use the word "counsel" or "advice" instead of teaching. Otherwise, again, I'm afraid I'm not sure that this is a great hook for a novel. We all know the story of Adam and Eve, so I'm looking for something that signals that this differs markedly from the original. Genre: Fantasy? Age group: Adult/YA Buy or turn the page: Again, depends on your back page blurb Grade: B- (some vocab issues)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Laughs — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:38:58 -0600

The famed science fiction author Arthur C. Clarke once said that sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. He was wrong. Magic is not bound by the same restrictions that technology is. For example, no matter how advanced technology gets, it will never be able to create something out of nothing. After all, in a rational system, matter has to come from somewhere, and it has to go somewhere as well. Thankfully, magic is not a rational system, a fact that allowed Esmeralda to wish herself up a new uniform when she realized that she had arrived late to work without hers. She glanced furtively around the parking lot, slouched down behind the wheel of her beat up old clunker, and reached into the glowing pool of energy that danced just beyond the reaches of her subconscious. The results weren’t perfect. The bright red shirt was about two shades two dark, and the oak tree logo was canted too far to the right. The apron had two too many pockets, and she had forgotten to add her last initial to the nametag. The pants were alright, though, and she managed to slip inside the restaurant without Kyle, the day shift manager, noticing. Her luck couldn’t hold out too long, of course, because Callie saw her right away, whisking her into the back room. “You didn’t come home last night.” She growled. Ezzy cringed internally. The one night she stayed out would be the one night that Cal managed to pull her tongue out of her boyfriend’s mouth long enough to notice the her roommate’s absence.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Loki Laughs — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:52:48 -0600

1. Critique I find the premise interesting, however it is somewhat difficult to follow the first paragraph. It needs a bit more disitinction between whose brother you are talking about. The second paragraph is better. 2. Genre/Age Group Literary fiction, YA? 3. Buy or turn the first page? Turn the first page, at least. Or else skip to a part in the middle, that's my test for books. 4. Letter grade? Solid B. The prose could use a little bit of refinement, maybe break up the paragraphs a bit more, but it has the potential to be great.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

VKyznetsov — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:42:10 -0600

1. Critique: I like the Arthur C Clarke quote at the very beginning, I've always liked that quote. There's a tense shift in your first paragraph where you say 'magic is not a rational system' and then switches to Esmerelda 'allowed, realized, arrived', all past tense. I think it would look a lot better if you shifted it all to past tense. I'm curious as to how obvious her magic use would be, and why she's taking a precaution to make sure no one notices. Is it strictly speaking wishing if it seems that she's actually working, however imperfectly, this change of her own accord rather than requiring someone/thing else to make that change? Here's a thought too- if she can, however imperfectly mess with matter to get herself a uniform, why doesn't she improve the functionality of her car? Character name change from Cal to Callie is odd, is this a typo or is there a good reason for this? If no good reason, I would suggest picking one form and sticking to it, for simplicity's sake. Punctuation correction: "You didn't come home last night," she growled. Then I would recommend a new paragraph with Ezzy cringing internally. I do like that it seems like your character is having a run of bad luck/ a day with Mr. Murphy. 2. Genre and age group: Urban fantasy? Aimed at older teens to adults? 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd probably turn the page, I'm curious to see what her explanation is and if it's related to her not having her work uniform. 4. Grade? C+ If there were no grammar/punctuation issues I'd bump it to a B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

VKyznetsov — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:43:04 -0600

Now that I am old, and they are dead, I can speak of things I never thought I would. There’s a certain special clarity that I am beginning to find in my old age, about events that are important in my mind. In the same way that I have detailed memories from my childhood and at this old age still have vivid dreams, I suppose it should not surprise me, that the ghosts of the past are so bright in colour. Though the colours are bright, some details have faded. I couldn’t tell you the exact date we left for Vienna, but I could tell you that it was the day after I broke my watch strap, trying to fasten it before the bombardment started. The strap broke, I dropped the watch, and the crystal cracked badly but since the watch still kept time, I kept it, even after the war. Five of us tried to get to Vienna, all told, and that five was more than enough. It began with only me and Juraj Maliar because I was an idiot and Juraj was the only person nearby stupid enough to follow me to what looked like certain death.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cursive — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 20:58:42 -0600

[quote=VKyznetsov] Now that I am old, and they are dead, I can speak of things I never thought I would. There’s a certain special clarity that I am beginning to find in my old age, about events that are important in my mind. [/quote] There's a slow unwinding feel to your excerpt that promises a methodically told story with no jarring lapses of logic nor inplausible turn of events. It should be interesting to see how that leisurely style will convey the hairbreadth escapes, the live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants derring-do, and the sheer stupid luck involved in surviving an impossible situation that the story seems to be setting up for the narrator/protagonist to undergo on the reader's behalf. Anything less would be a letdown. That said, I have to say I tend to be biased to stories that start in medias ras, stories which hit the ground running so to speak. Also, I like writing that bends a few rules whether that be grammar or the generally accepted ideas of the novel.I have a feeling from the small sample of your writing that you are scurpulously faithful to the tried and true. Nothing wrong with that, but in terms of taking of chances, being right all the time is not really an attribute.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:39:00 -0600

I like the idea here, but I feel like it's a huge information dump. You're directly addressing me as the reader, which bothers me a bit. You shouldn't have to sit your reader down at the beginning of the story and say "This is how this world works." That ought to come naturally in the story. I open this and there's nothing happening. You can start by setting the scene, for sure, but it needs to be shown, not told. I like this line: "The darkness is our sworn nemesis for all eternity." It makes it sound like it's a character talking in first person. But I don't know who the character is. Jack? Someone else? I think this could be more effective if it was all written in the first person, directly talking. But all of this information doesn't need to be given on the first page. I don't want to know what you world is like right away. I want to know who Jack is, and what he's like. I want to know who's in the dreamers, and what they do. But I want you to show me this things, not tell me. Sounds like fantasy to me. I probably wouldn't buy or turn the page as it stands, but I think the concept holds a lot of potential. Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 02:02:34 -0600

They found her at the height of the storm. She was crouched behind the dumpsters like a half-feral cat, trying to hide from the rain. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees, as if she was afraid that they would run away if she let go. The rain was beating down on her uncovered head, dripping down her face and through her stringy black hair. It ran in rivulets into the muddy ground where she crouched, trembling. The first thing Katie noticed was the blood. The trash bag that she had been carrying dropped to the ground, disgorging its contents on the broken concrete. She took a half step forwards, and then back again, like an uncertain dancer. The ground that the child crouched on was soaked with blood. It ran with the rain, trickling down into the dirt, changing the earthy brown to a rich red. It ran down her legs, across her bare feet, from the place where her hands should have been. That was the second thing that Katie noticed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

VKyznetsov — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:17:55 -0600

Thanks, I appreciate you taking time for a thoughtful critique! And yeah... media res is more in my usual line for beginnings but I wanted to establish almost from the outset that the events of the novel were in the past and all the other participants were dead by the time the full story was told. Btw, do I get a genre/age group and a grade? :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sherylgwin — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:53:51 -0600

1. Critique: Overall, a great scene. It kept me interested. I liked the description of 'an uncertain dancer' it helped me visualize it in my head. 2. Genre and age group: Thriller? Young adult 3. Buy it or turn the page: Buy it if i knew a little more on the plot. 4. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sherylgwin — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:57:28 -0600

Tyler smiled, "Begin." He lashed out at Richard, his fist swung and caught the side of Richard's face before he had anytime to duck. Richard tumbled down and sprang back up. There was a slight scrape on his cheek now, but he didn't mind the slight sting. Adrenaline coursed through his entire being. He lunged and swung out with all his strength but his father ducked and struck him in the back with his elbow, causing Richard to arch his back. Richard gritted his teeth and whirled to face his attacker and throw another punch. Tyler deflected the blow easily. He then grabbed Richards hand and pinned it behind his back, he leaned in toward his son's ear, while Richard struggled uselessly. "You'll have to do better than that." Tyler whispered dangerously. Richard snarled and tore free of Tyler's grip. He feigned to one side, then lashed out his leg to the other side, catching his father in the back of his leg. Tyler's knee buckled a bit and he swayed forward. He regained balance and aimed his fist at Richard's mid-section. Richard jumped back, narrowly avoiding the blow. Tyler lifted up his leg and kicked hard at Richard's chest. Richard crashed to the floor and Tyler pinned him down. "Better." he said, grinning.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:45:46 -0600

1. Critique? Right of the bat, the first sentence is a little wordy, The way you said, "I've known...seemed" almost sounds like a verb tense disagreement. The second issue I saw was "...vampires. Just a creature to..." I think using a comma there might make a little more grammatical sense. Overall I liked the idea of the story, and I'd be interested to learn more about the Catchers, but the wording really threw me off. 2. Genre and age group? Maybe YA, science fic/supernatural sort of thing? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Maybe turn the page, probably not buy. Sorry, I'm just not into that genre too much 4. Grade? (Letter System) C, but I think with a few fixes it can be really decent!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:48:35 -0600

Ryan awoke with a start. He looked at the clock, although he didn’t really need it, and groaned; he was going to be late again, and fully understood the consequences. With a mechanical precision, he got out of bed, put on his black pants, and his red shirt. He glimpsed into the mirror, made sure his dark brown hair was tidy, brushed forward in the usual way. He was not in need of a shave today, but as he put down the brush he thought he should get his hair cut soon. It was beginning to get too long, and would soon be against the law. Within two minutes he was downstairs eating with his family. Of course, people didn’t need to eat anymore. After The Great World War, the Free People’s Act was put in place, so no one would starve, and there would be no more wars. Ryan wasn’t sure why that rule worked, it just did. They were supposed to eat together, because that’s what families did. “Hello Ryan.” Charles knew it was possible Ryan would not make it to the Educational Building on time unless he skipped breakfast. But no one skipped breakfast, it was law. No one broke laws now, but just before Ryan could begin to think why that was, his thoughts were interrupted.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 12:02:02 -0600

1. Critique? The first paragraph was awesome, I loved your ability to mix the dark imagery with Alex not caring about the person on fire, but it does seem at first that ALEX is burning, not his father. Also, there was one part where it said talked about him being 'almost gone' and then he was 'gone'. Just a personal opinion, but it might be a little wordy, maybe find a different word for 'gone'? You might say something along the lines of 'He looked down at the burning mass, and finally, the body was no longer distinguishable from the wood surrounding it", just using different phrasing might do you well. You showed in your first paragraph that you had an ability for prose, and then you end it abruptly by using the phrase 'freeze his balls off'. I can see that maybe you're trying to show Alex's discontent, but the wording is a little off. 2. Genre and age group? YA/adult, maybe fantasy? 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page, go from there 4. Grade? (Letter System) Maybe a high C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:18:57 -0600

My first post on this thread was also a fight scene, but only because I hadn't read the instructions properly and didn't realise that the 200 words were suppose to represent the opening page of your novel. The critique I got would apply equally to your work. Is this truly the first page of your book? If so, you have several problems. #1 there is no hint of what the book might be about #2 you describe neither your characters nor your setting #3 there is no event that would appear to be a launching point for a story #4 there is no hook that would encourage me to turn the page Your writing looks competent, but beware of commonplace descriptions like "XXX coursed through his entire being". Not sure about "tumbled down and sprang back up" in the context either ... Based on my comments above, it would be difficult to guess age-group, genre or grade. Would be interested to hear your or other people's comments.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:35:59 -0600

My goodness, having worked in a large Comprehensive school in London, I wish it WAS law that no one skipped breakfast! Critique: There is a received wisdom that you should not generally start a novel with people getting into or out of bed unless there is something very unusual about it, e.g. an event that wakes the character or a love scene. Rules, especially in creative writing, are meant to be broken. However, if you examine your opening, you will find that half your wordage is given over to describing Ryan's daily routine. Not a good start, especially when the second and third paragraphs hint at something far more worthy of description. I reckon you could almost cut out the first paragraph altogether and lose nothing of the plot. Imagine how much more interested your reader might be if the first line of your book read, "Of course, people didn’t need to eat anymore. After The Great World War, the Free People’s Act was put in place, so no one would starve, and there would be no more wars." You still need to get to the hook, of course, but the wordage you have cut out at the beginning could be much better employed to build up a more in-depth view of the characters and setting. Genre: Science Fiction or Adventure? Age Group: YA Buy or turn the page: Turn the page Grade: B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

audri1994 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:43:13 -0600

Kayla ran as fast as she could. She was running late and she promised her friend Cody that she would be there by now. She ran up panting and gasping for air. “Sorry I’m late!” She said to Cody, who was leaning nonchalantly against the gate. “Don’t worry I was expecting you to be at least 20 minutes late.” He said smirking. Kayla glared at him. “Hey! It’s only been maybe 5 minutes.” “Ten.” He corrected her. She scowled at him, which only made him smile. “Dork” she said just loud enough for him to hear. “Well are you ready?” Cody asked. “Yup. Where are we going anyway?” Kayla asked. It wasn’t like Cody to be this mysterious. “You’ll see.” Cody just smiled. There he goes again with that smile. I wonder what he’s up to. Kayla thought. They walked a little way to a path in the woods. Cody led her along the small path until it widened and they could walk side by side. For a little while neither of them said a word, even though Kayla was wondering what Cody was up to and where he was going.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sherylgwin — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:08:07 -0600

thanks. i didn't know it was supposed to be on the begining of my novel. and i couldn't really fit that much in with 200 words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

audri1994 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:08:46 -0600

Critique: Well to be honet this is my first critique and so I'm not really sure what exactly I'm supposed to say. But I'll go ahead and comment on the things I noticed. First of all your first sentance is one that's a little over used. The next thing I noticed was in the part where "He looked at the clock, although he didn't really need it...". This would make me wonder why (if he didn't really need the clock) he was going to be late. I mean the part where he gets out of bed with "mechanical precision" and even the rest of the paragraph would suggest that his actions and his life was almost robotic. So I'm having a little trouble connecting realistically the mechanical nature that his life seems to work and his human nature. I'm assuming that he is human. There's only one more major thing that I noticed. The "Free People's Act" seems a little contradictory to the laws that are set in place for just eating breakfast. Of course your novel could be one of those futuristic novels where people's idea of freedom is having life planned out for them. On the positive side I like your character already! And I love the "Educational Building" part! Sounds like your average high school! Genre: I would say Futuristic Sci-fi Age group: YA Buy it or turn the page: I would definitely love to read more! I like the story so far and I'm intrigued. Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:32:23 -0600

Critique: Not bad for an opening page. However, the vocabulary is a bit dull and you could do with sorting out a few grammar issues. In the first paragraph, you have used three instances of the verb, run: "Kayla ran ...", "She was running late ....", "She ran up ..." In the fourth paragraph, you have used walk and path in consecutive sentences. In terms of dialogue, you need a new line for each new speaker. In this way, you may be able to lose a few superfluous tags. You should also check your punctuation, e.g. “Don’t worry, I was expecting you to be at least 20 minutes late”, he said, smirking. Kayla glared at him, “Hey! It’s only been may be 5 minutes.” “Ten”, he corrected her. However, you could cut down your wordage quite considerably with no loss of meaning by allowing the reader to make certain assumptions, e.g. Kayla was running late. She had promised Cody that she would be there by now. She found him leaning nonchalantly against the gate. “Sorry I’m late”, she gasped. Genre: Adventure/Mystery? Age Group: YA Buy or turn the page: turn the page Grade: B+ for hook, B- for writing

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:39:37 -0600

I made exactly the same mistake myself. Re-read the blurb at the beginning of the thread. What the OP says is that 200 words roughly equates to the opening page of a novel, when you take into account the font and formatting (new chapters tend to start half way down the page). Therefore, the idea is to "hook" your reader into turning the page. The options to Buy or Turn the page are a bit artificial, as most people would read the blurb on the back of the book before deciding whether the book was worth buying. However, if you want your book to sell, it is essential to grab the reader's interest within the first page. Have another go.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:42:02 -0600

Iris only noticed that she had cut herself when the juice from the onion found its way into the shallow slice she had made in her index finger. “Careful”, said Rose, “the knife’s sharp.” “So I see”, said Iris. It never ceased to amaze Iris how her sister managed to produce a decent meal in this antiquated kitchen, devoid of even the most basic labour-saving devices. She didn’t even have a garlic press, for heaven’s sake. Being unspoiled might be a very commendable virtue, but Iris found Rose’s level of “unspoiledness” an irritation. Rose stirred a quarter bottle of red wine into the Bourgignon, covered the chipped enamel pan – Iris recognised it as an old one of their mother’s – and put it in the oven. They poured two glasses from the remaining wine and sat down opposite each other at the kitchen table. “I’m pregnant”, said Rose. Iris didn’t respond immediately. The news was so utterly unexpected that she was temporarily lost for words. Iris had always been her sister’s closest confidante, the rock on which she could rely, yet she wasn’t even aware that Rose had a boyfriend. Throughout the dangerous liaisons of their youth, their flirtations, Rose’s protracted extrication from a disastrous marriage and her many subsequent relationships, Iris had always been there for her. Of the many things Iris could have said to break the silence, “How?”, probably wasn’t what Rose was hoping to hear.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:05:46 -0600

Actually, that's exactly what I was going for! I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say about my novel, but the contradictions in government, as well as his 'robotic' life was something I was trying to hint at right off the bat! Thanks for your input :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

audri1994 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:07:08 -0600

Thank you so much for your critique! I do appreciate the advice. I am considering changing the beginning as it really isn't doing a whole lot for my story. But I'm still playing with it. I haven't done any editing so I'm sure there are a lot of grammatical errors.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:10:05 -0600

Thanks for your input! I'll definitely keep that in mind!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:10:30 -0600

Gahh, wrong place. bottom one was for @overthehill

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:23:37 -0600

That awkward moment when you realize you weren't aware of that rule either, long after posting your own excerpt ...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

audri1994 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:31:51 -0600

Critique: Grammatically speaking you're great! I noticed wonderful use of words such as "antiquated" and "extrication". Some of the words you use are not common in every day language. It's great to see some of them show up. I did feel like there wasn't much of a transition from the description of the kitchen or the tools her sister doesn't have to learning about her sister's pregnancy. I realise that this is intentionally a very sudden and actually rather simple statement but I felt like there wasn't really a transition between scenes. Genre: I couldn't say. Age Group: Adult Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page Grade: A for writing, B for hook

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CherryCoke — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:39:22 -0600

Critique: The actual structure of the excerpt is beautiful. The 'pattern', so to speak, of the different sentences is nice and flows in the mind. You also have nice writing in general! BUT- The "I'm pregnant" is abrupt. I'm sure you were going for that, but it's almost too abrupt for the reader to grasp. So a bit of a transition would benefit. At least in my opinion. Genre: Possibly a family story? I think? Age group: Adult/could pass for college age Buy or turn page: Turn. I need more to go on. Though if I've read the blurb and it sounds like something I'd enjoy then buy! The writing is nice :-) I'm sucker for nice writing. Grade: A for the writing, A- for the hook. Just add a dash more transition!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CherryCoke — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:41:37 -0600

The old man behind the counter grinned and began to make change. Aaron did not grin back, but let the right side of his lips curl upward into a smirk. The man slid the coins beneath the window glass and readied the train ticket. Tapping his knuckles lightly on the counter, Aaron fought his impatience. But the man seemed in no hurry, despite the growing line. “I remember,” the old man began and Aaron steadied himself for words of no wisdom. “I remember when I was your age. Decided I'd travel the world. And look at me now! Same place where I started!” He heaved a raspy laugh and held the ticket between two fingers. If there were no barrier Aaron would have snatched it away and left without a thank you. But as it were, he'd play along. Cocking his head to the side, he broadened his smirk and tried to seem interested. It must have been convincing because the old man continued. “Youth fades. And it fades fast. You go to bed with a face like that Roman, Adonis, and you wake up looking like an overgrown babe.” “Adonis was a Greek,” Aaron said.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CherryCoke — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:48:30 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:20:02 -0600

Thank you for your comments!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:56:23 -0600

Critique: I found this very good, I'm intrigued and I want to know where Aaron is going. It raised a couple of questions in my mind to; is Aaron really just really looking for an adventure and he wants to travel the world? Or is there something more? Also why was he getting impatient does he have someone to save or something to do? It also tells me a little about Aarons character I know he is not the type of guy who'd let his anger and impatient get the best of him. “Youth fades. And it fades fast. You go to bed with a face like that Roman, Adonis, and you wake up looking like an overgrown babe.” I didn't get this sentince though what was the old man really trying to say? Gender: I don't know it's hard to tell but maybe YA. Buy or turn the page: turn the page I need to know more before I buy this but it seems very interesting and after reading a couple more pages I may end up buying it. Grade: B+ Sorry if I'm not very helpful this is my first time critiquing ever so I hope I've helped.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:58:23 -0600

Cake, that's what I forgot, Alice's favourite chocolate-caramel marshmallow cake. She specifically asked me to buy her a slice on my way home today, I can almost see her now sitting on her bed grinning at the slice, crinkling her nose the way she always does when she's happy, before takes a huge bite out of it feeling the bittersweetness of the chocolate mix with the rich taste of the caramel covered marshmallow.I guess it's settled then I'll have to pick up a slice on my way home, just as soon as I figure out a way out of this holding cell. It's been almost an hour since I woke up in this room but time really flies when you're trying to remember something I mean I knew I was forgetting something even before leaving the store but I couldn't quite put my finger on it, this kinda makes me want to thank my kidnappers for giving me enough time to remember, Alice would have been devastated if i had come home without her cake, then again I don't see my shopping bags anywhere so until I get them back i'm guessing we're even. Come to think of it there's barely anything in this room, just a bed with white sheets, a plain sink and a toilet which I'm specially grateful for; I don't want to think what would have happened half an hour ago I'm beginning to think eating that day old sandwich for breakfast was a bad idea, just thinking about it makes me want to vomit, as I get of the bed and make my way to the sink to wash my mouth hear the door open behind me and through it comes the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 04:24:25 -0600

Thanks for your critiques Audri and CherryCoke. Especially helpful, since they both highlight the same point about the abrupt transition. It was meant to be blunt but, you're right, no one would be THAT blunt. May be Rose should stare thoughtfully into her wine glass for a moment or two before speaking (there is meant to be an element of irresponsibility about her). Yes, it is a family drama. I'm still struggling with the exact genre - probably mainstream fiction with elements of romance. The characters are not in their first flush of youth. In my original story, Rose is a 39-year old divorcee: definitely not the sort of person who should be getting herself 'up the duff'! So, yes, it is written for an adult audience, but I have so much rewriting to do anyway that I might change the dates and ages slightly. Thanks again.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CherryCoke — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 11:02:52 -0600

Thank you! That's actually more helpful than you think. As for that sentence, he's basically just a rambler but it actually fits into the next few pages, so without them I can see why it didn't make sense. He's pretty much saying "You get old fast and it ain't pretty." Again, thanks! :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:39:46 -0600

Never mind! They're in order now!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

KatieDovel — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:56:35 -0600

Critique: Well, right off the bat, I see some run-on sentences, such as this one: "She specifically asked me to buy her a slice on my way home today, I can almost see her now sitting on her bed grinning at the slice, crinkling her nose the way she always does when she's happy, before takes a huge bite out of it feeling the bittersweetness of the chocolate mix with the rich taste of the caramel covered marshmallow" It basically takes up the entire first paragraph, so you'll probably need to cut it down or split up the sentences, maybe something like this: "She specifically asked me to buy her a slice on my way home today. I can almost see her now sitting on her bed grinning at the slice, crinkling her nose the way she always does when she's happy. She'll take a huge bite out of it feeling the bittersweetness of the chocolate mix with the rich taste of the caramel covered marshmallow" Other than the issues with run-on's(which happen in more than the first paragraph), it's very clear what you're trying to talk about, and the story seems intruiging to me. Genre: Maybe YA, romance? It's hard to tell I'd probably put it down, I'm pretty nitpicky. Grade: C, but it has a lot of potential!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:30:13 -0600

Critique: What a strange story. The narrator appears to have been kidnapped, yet all he (or she) appears to be worried about is forgetting to buy a piece of cake. I’m guessing you fully intend that the reader feels there is something out of whack here, but … really?! I’m afraid I almost lost interest after the first paragraph. I’m sure there must be some point to the description of Alice eating her chocolate-caramel marshmallow cake, but it doesn’t belong in your opening paragraph. I’m trying to imagine what sort of person the narrator might be and all I’m seeing is my own 83-year old mother: a confused old woman, fussing over her lost shopping bags. Perhaps I’m right, in which case, good job. In any event, I would be inclined to cut to the chase and re-jig the second paragraph as the opening. Even then, I don’t understand why the narrator losing his/her shopping bags apparently evens the score with Alice. Ah, the toxic sandwich! This explains everything. The narrator is clearly delirious, which might account for both the beautiful girl and the almost complete lack of punctuation in his train of thought. So what are we left with? A confused and nauseous kidnap victim, a cakeless Alice, and a beautiful girl … You may well have the elements of a great story here, but your opening doesn’t do it justice. I’d be inclined to have another shot. As things stand, like Katie, I’d put this back on the shelf. Genre: Adventure? Age: YA Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:40:32 -0600

Thank you so much for your comments they were really helpful. I guess I'll have to rethink my opening and try to fix the problems in it. Again thank you so much.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:45:58 -0600

Thank for taking the time time to read and critique it, your comments were very helpful. I'll try to fix the run-on sentences and maybe even start the story from somewhere else to make it more intriguing. Again, thank you and I appreciate your comments.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

bloodonmytypewriterkeys — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 00:24:06 -0600

Prologue The three of us finished putting our memories into words and ink many years ago. After all this time, it will be sent to the printers tomorrow, to be read by those who enjoy reading such things. Before it is sent, I feel that I should include this prelude as a warning. Over the course of this story, people will die, and many of them will be glad for it. A drunk will raise his hand to his son once too often. Two sisters will stand naked in the snow staring down the barells of three grey guns. A house will burn with a family inside it. A boy will pay the price of his father's debt. A soldier will learn mercy with his gun to the temple of his lover. A father will choose between a dying daughter and a starving son. Perhaps, if what we have written has done justice to the truth, there will be happiness despite suffering, trust despite pain and forgiveness for those who deserve a fate worse than death. And there will be love. No matter how many people are hurt and how often our hopes are crushed, no matter how little we deserve it and how long we have despaired of finding it, there will be love. There is always love.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:29:38 -0600

A lot of telling, no showing--I have a feeling you can cut the prologue. Story needs to start with character-setting-conflict... Prologue isn't for the info dump on what you want the book to be and telling the reader what you expect the story to actually be. The prologue is an event that is not well tied to the chronological events that the reader absolutely needs before they start the story. It's a conflict that either happens way in the past or will be illuminated as the reader reads the book, but it has to be a definite event that will build into the greater plot. (Plot is a chain of events with characters, conflict and setting.) Try starting with chapter 1. Genre: Hard to tell since the word choice doesn't really lend it to any one genre, it could be literary, fantasy, science fiction or mystery. No guess at the age. Grade: Withheld until I see chapter 1.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cool Author — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:15:38 -0600

Camouflaged against the trees in the forest by wearing a green and brown shirt and pants, the knife-thrower waiting diligently for his prey. His prey was any living thing that was within his throwing range. In leather pouches at his side were at least three knives, which had intricately decorated hilts and the blades were a sharp, shining steel that would cut through anything. They were the hunter's pride and joy. The hunter's ears picked up the slight sound of a twig being snapped. He unsheathed one of his knives and expertly brought the tip of the blade between his index and middle fingers. Moving stealthily through the forest, he weaved through the trees to where the sound was. It was a deer, standing against a tree, getting water from a stream. As quietly as could be, the hunter brought his hand up and down in a quick motion, flinging the knife straight and true. The blade was long enough to not only go through the deer's chest, but also pin it to the tree. The hunter grinned. His dinner was nearly ready.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:48:43 -0600

(First page of novel, thanks for any feedback given) Early Morning Interviews Lilli sat alone in the green room of the TV studio, waiting to go back on air after the bands performance on the daily talk show more than an hour before. She still wore her lilac flimsy dress with black trim, she dabbed at her nose with a tissue, a cold had been going around the band. Her younger brother had gone with the rest of the band for some fresh air before they went to look round the city whilst he returned to his sister for their brief interview. Lilli's mobile flashed blue and vibrated indicating her mum was phoning her. She glanced at the time displayed of 9am then let it go to a missed call knowing she’d be called through at any moment to the make-up and wardrobe department so she could change before the interview. As always Lilli worried about live interviews, she thought she’d say something she wasn't meant too. "Joining us now are Lilli and Elm Morgan" the short grey haired host said as The Munsters theme tune played and he gestured to Lilli and her brother, they made their way over to sit in the sofa across from him. "Morning" she said with a laugh gesturing around her at the music as her brother tried to smother a heavy cough. The host was surpised at how softly spoken and delicate Lilli's voice was compared to her singing voice. Her dark elbow length hair was now neatly tied back into a ponytail that trailed down her back over a fitted black t-shirt that depicted Lily and Herman Munster with The Munsters written in lilac above them. Lilli crossed her black jeaned legs once she'd sat down. Her brother who more flopped onto the sofa and casually smiled at the camera wore black jeans along with a dark grey shirt over a lilac t-shirt but kept his equally as long hair down.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

bikegirl115 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:27:40 -0600

Thank you for giving me a critique! Rereading the first paragraph and realizing it needs to be a hood, it could definitely use more clarity. Oddly, it is YA Lit Fic (at least that's my best guess) so good job with that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:01:26 -0600

Critique: The most important thing to remember when writing your first page is that you are trying to hook your reader into turning the page and reading on. For that to happen successfully, you need some sort of dramatic event and at least one three-dimensional character that the reader can engage with. Good books are built around their characters. If you read a lot, you will know this yourself. Most readers don’t need or want to be told too much about how their character looks or what they are wearing. By all means mention in passing how Lilli decided on her particular outfit (though preferably not on the first page), but more important is for the reader to form their own mental image of her, based on what they know of her character. You tell us nothing about the characters except what they are wearing and that the band members all have colds. Is it significant to the story that Lilli ignores the call from her mother? This opening needs a bit of work if you hope to hook your readers. At the moment it is very two-dimensional and I’m not sure why I should be interested in Lilli or the band at all. You also need to check your grammar and spelling. This sentence, in particular, makes no sense: [quote=adora1983]Her younger brother had gone with the rest of the band for some fresh air before they went to look round the city whilst he returned to his sister for their brief interview. [/quote] I’m not even going to guess as to the order of events. Genre/Age group: YA Lit? (very hard to say with so little going on) Buy or turn the page: put back on shelf Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:08:36 -0600

1. Critique? This really reads off as being like a poem. I don't mind that, and in fact enjoy that more often then not! But there are a few things that should go together in the paragraphs. Such as "In leather pouches at his side were at least three knives, which had intricately decorated hilts and the blades were a sharp, shining steel that would cut through anything. They were the hunter's pride and joy." should be put together into one full paragraph. Otherwise you've really got a fragment sentence that'll turn more people off and keep them from turning the page. There are also more of the fragment sentences that could really be put together with some careful editing. "The hunter grinned. His dinner was nearly ready." should be something more along the lines of "The hunter grinned, his dinner was nearly ready." It comes off as being less choppy and give it more of a flow. "Camouflaged against the trees in the forest by wearing a green and brown shirt and pants, the knife-thrower waiting* diligently for his prey." Waited* Keep tenses correct and you'll keep someone from stumbling while reading. Overall I enjoyed this, and I think you just need a little work with fragments and tenses. 2. Genre and age group? Fiction, Adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:17:25 -0600

1. Critique? You jump from one thing and to the next a little, which is okay is some cases. But it could use a little work here. "She still wore her lilac flimsy dress with black trim, she dabbed at her nose with a tissue, a cold had been going around the band." The commas are used incorrectly and that makes it seem like it jumps around here. Try bringing it around to something more like this "She still wore her lilac flimsy dress with black trim and dabbed at her nose with a tissue, a cold had been going around the band." It reads as a bit more smooth, rather then a halt and jump. Commas do provide a pause, always remember that when writing. You really jump in the middle. She goes from sitting in a green room, to suddenly being in the interview. Split it up in the middle more like this, and add in something about her going into wardrobe so readers don't blink and wonder how in the world it took such a jump. Example with your writing - "Lilli's mobile flashed blue and vibrated indicating her mum was phoning her. She glanced at the time displayed of 9am then let it go to a missed call knowing she’d be called through at any moment to the make-up and wardrobe department so she could change before the interview. A few moments later Lilli was called into wardrobe, entering out of it only a short time later in order to get out to the interview. As always Lilli worried about live interviews, she thought she’d say something she wasn't meant too. "Joining us now are Lilli and Elm Morgan" the short grey haired host said as The Munsters theme tune played and he gestured to Lilli and her brother, they made their way over to sit in the sofa across from him." 2. Genre and age group? Mainstream Fiction, YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Buy it. 4. Grade? (Letter System) B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:18:16 -0600

It was a bright and sunny day that Zeus granted one lone scholar the ability to travel through time. The man, Bion as he was known, stood besides a helter-skelter machine that looked as though it had been built out of spare bits of metal and parts. At the machine the man smiled proudly, the bright green grass about his feet waving in the sway of the wind. His companion, meanwhile, stood and contemplated of the fact that it looked more of a forgers junk heap then a stylistic machine that had been blessed by the great God Zeus himself. The machine instead looked nothing like the smooth lines that so many artists made to strive for within their own works. Standing apart from the machine the carefully groomed creator of the machine felt of a gentle breeze blowing his shoulder length chestnut brown hair into his eyes. It was, with this, that he frowned at his poetically inclined friend upon noticing of his expression. “Moschus, my friend! What is it that you stand there contemplating so with such an expression on your face?” Bion asked with a laugh, one eyebrow arched high upon his face and his right arm crossed over his chest.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 08:59:17 -0600

Thank you for your comments... and I'll have a look at that sentence. What would you suggest as an event? This is only the first 200 words? So less about their clothes and less about how they look? What if there are illustrations with the book, then you know what the characters look like?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:10:30 -0600

Thank you for your comments. I'll have a little look at that wording :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cool Author — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:52:34 -0600

Thanks for your critique, and I'll try to fix those sentences. But it's funny. I could have sworn that I did put waited. Waiting doesn't even sound right. or, to me at least. But again, thanks.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:53:49 -0600

Better? (although this is the first 2 pages, my excuse is that it's large font size) Early Morning Interviews Lilli sat alone in the green room of the TV studio, waiting to go back on air after the bands performance on the daily talk show more than an hour before. She still wore her lilac flimsy dress with black trim and dabbed at her nose with a tissue, as a cold had been going around the band. Her younger brother had gone with the rest of the band for some fresh air, before he returned to his sister for their brief interview. Whilst the rest of the band went to look round the city whilst. Lilli's mobile flashed blue and vibrated indicating her mum was phoning her. She glanced at the time displayed of 9am then let it go to a missed call knowing she’d be called through at any moment to the make-up and wardrobe department so she could change before the interview. Lilli sat whilst the hairstylist combed at her hair in the wardrobe department. Staring at her nervous reflection, Lilli continued to worry about the live interviews, she thought she’d say something she wasn't meant too. "Joining us now are Lilli and Elm Morgan" the short grey haired host said as The Munsters theme tune played and he gestured to Lilli and her brother, they made their way over to sit in the sofa across from him. "Morning" she said with a laugh gesturing around her at the music as her brother tried to smother a heavy cough. The host was surpised at how softly spoken and delicate Lilli's voice was compared to her singing voice. Her dark elbow length hair was now neatly tied back into a ponytail that trailed down her back over a fitted black t-shirt that depicted Lily and Herman Munster with The Munsters written in lilac above them. Lilli crossed her black jeaned legs once she'd sat down. Her brother who more flopped onto the sofa and casually smiled at the camera wore black jeans along with a dark grey shirt over a lilac t-shirt but kept his equally as long hair down. “Now, Lilli you left The Wires just over 2 years ago” the host began as Lilli nodded that he was correct. “Have things calmed down now?” he asked. “Yeah things went a little crazy as people will know” Lilli laughed “obviously it wasn't the best way to leave a band but everything is more settled now, and I have my 'own' band now” she added, gesturing quotation marks at the use of the word own. "So do have any feelings about The Wires now?" he asked returning to the infamous subject whilst glancing at his sheet of questions. "Well, you know I became their singer really because of my brother” Lilli tapped her brothers on the knee “of course at the time I was hurt by what was going on in the band to me, and also afterwards by the stuff Adam said... but then I look back now and I don't really feel anything" she explained to the host, and then took another sip of water. "Really your brother?" the host questioned further. "Yeah, I was friends with Adam since we were about 11 or 12” Lilli nodded in agreement with her little brother “then when we were about 19” he made a so/so gesture with her left hand “he started the band and they wanted a singer" he added as Lilli raised an eyebrow and pointed to herself. "Big sister came to the rescue?" the host offered with a laugh. "Something like that" Lilli shrugged "they were never looking for a guitar player at the time" Lilli smiled “it wasn’t until later with my band that Elm was obviously the perfect choice” Lilli gave her brother a coy smile. “Am I right in thinking you have no management?” the host asked. “Yes you are, we don’t have a manager. Of course we have a label but decisions are made between us and then press releases and things like, well this" Lilli gestured around her with her hands "are sorted by Rafael our PR and general partner in crime” she explained with smile.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:12:22 -0600

1. Critique: I'm not really anyone to go by but it just seemed a little long and wordy in the description. But it gave the reader an overall idea of what was happening and setting the scene. A couple of spelling mistakes. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy/Young adult 3. Buy it or turn the page: Would read a couple more pages, see what happens. 4. Grade: B :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 11:46:53 -0600

Critique: I hate to seem cruel but, no, I don’t see any improvement at all and I think you are missing the point. If you hope to be published, you really have to a) give the reader some idea of your storyline and b) hold their interest so that they want to turn the page. Even by adding an extra page, I still have absolutely no idea what is interesting about this interview scene. Let’s try another tack. Think about what your story is about? What happens? Where is your plot going? Assuming that this interview scene is integral to the plot – if it isn’t, it shouldn’t be your opening page – you need to show the reader why. Is there an accidental revelation, a crazed fan, an earthquake, a death, etc., that acts as the catalyst or jumping off point for the rest of the story? The only two things that look as if they might be significant are the fact that Lilli “still wore her flimsy lilac dress” and the missed call from her mother. Are these things important? If they aren’t, you might create a much more dramatic opening by skipping the superfluous detail that places the band in the TV studio. Here’s my effort [quote]The Munsters’ theme tune played and the studio audience burst into spontaneous applause as Lilli and her brother, dressed in black denim and looking every inch the pop idols that they were, crossed the stage. "Joining us now are Lilli and Elm Morgan.” The host’s words were drowned by the shrieks and whistles of the crowd. The pair made their way over to the sofa and settled themselves opposite the short grey haired presenter. As the noise subsided, Elm tried to smother a heavy cough. "Morning", said Lilli, disguising her nervousness with a laugh as she made an extravagant gesture of greeting towards the musicians and the invisible audience beyond the studio lighting. Lilli spoke quietly and the host was surprised at how soft and delicate her voice was compared to her singing style … [/quote] I don’t expect you to like my example. It isn’t by any means supposed to be “right” and I have no business telling you how to write your story. But that's 135 words. But say you did start your first page with something like that, something (other than a bland interview) would now need to "happen" to make sure that the reader wants to read on.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 12:22:29 -0600

Okay... I thought the interview scene as a first chapter gave a bit of background and a starting point to the story. Like setting the scene. The first actual page of the story, is like a tiny prologue type thing; “Lils...” her brother leaned over his bunk on the tour bus “Lilli...” he called again as the rest of the bus slept. “Mmm” Lilli mumbled looking up at the bunk above her as she attempted to read her book. Elm's head hung down, his long hair touching Lilli's bunk. “if we go round a corner you'll be on the floor” Lilli sighed, laying her book on her chest as her brother eased himself further over the edge of his bunk. “No I wont” Elm confirmed smugly, a moment before slowly falling from his bunk as the bus started to turn a corner. He hit the floor with a thud to Lilli's amusement. This is after you read the band memebers profiles. Maybe my second chapter should be the first chaper as it very originally was?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:22:04 -0600

This is infinitely better. Lilli and Elm now appear to have a bit of personality and, by changing "...as the rest of the bus slept" to "as the rest of the band slept", your reader would immediately know they were members of a band, as you have already mentioned the tour bus. Now all you have to do is use the next 100 words or so to introduce the actual plot somehow. Don't, whatever you do, start with a prologue or profiles of the band members. At this point, your reader is just trying to work out whether they're going to enjoy the book. You need to immerse them in the story quickly and without unnecessary distractions. Once you have their interest, then you can build up the characters' background stories without deviating too much from the plot.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

frenziedmythology — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:28:31 -0600

Aren awoke from a deep and peaceful rest, and looked out of the window, which was covered by a cloth, and saw that it was barely dawn. He pulled boots over his loose brown pants and slipped a quiver of arrows and a bow over his shoulder. He was dressed as a soldier, his sleeveless shirt made of fine silk, which wouldn't pierce as easily as normal cloth. Aren was a male of about twenty, and he had always wanted to join the Soldiers of the Emperor, a group of trained and highly skilled warriors who served the Emperor of Hoorg, a large city in the land of Tynthia. As Aren walked into the city Hoorg, he noticed the shop which he had gone to since his father had let him go to the city alone. The shopkeeper, Jourd, was at the desk and he looked up when Aren arrived. “Well well well, how's my hunter doing this fine day we're havin'?” Jourd asked, his chubby face breaking in to a grin. Aren could tell that the man had been up all night, due to the bags under his eyes and how his hair was all ruffled up as if it had been rubbed through a thousand different times.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cindy9712 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 15:41:34 -0600

It was midnight and the darkness had been thrown over the city of Stonecraft like a damp cloth. Eigtheen year old Jade Mahler had her doubts about the sun ever rising again. She was walking down West 3rd Street, on her way home from work. She had been working in the Coldwater Coal Mine since 5 AM this morning, and it took a great deal of strength to pull her hurting body along the darkened sidewalk. You would think that the street lights would be illuminating the street, but The Government had turned them out in this part of town so that there were more electricity to power The Headquarters three thousand computers and five thousand lamps. Even this far from the glass building standing tall in the middle of the city, Jade could see the light it emitted over the roofs on the buildings to her left. She walked a couple more meters and then pulled her tired and worn out body up the steps to her front door. Her pale hands shivered at the touch of the ice cold metal railing and she had a hard time getting her key into the lock. At last she managed to turn it around and she pressed the handle, slipped inside and close it a quickly as possible behind her, trying to keep whatever heat there was in her apartment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:10:13 -0600

1. Critique: Good start and sets the scene nicely. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy/SCI-FI, age range too early to tell. 3. Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page. 4. Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:13:22 -0600

Wouldn't a reader already know that their in a band, because of the blurb? What if the main plot line is a surprise that the book is building up too?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:08:43 -0600

Thank you! I do have a tendency to get a little wordy when it comes to writing. Always having to step back and remind myself I'm not writing purple prose ridden poetry! I'll go back over it and try to serperate it where it needs to be, and see if I can make it a bit tighter overall. Searching for the spelling mistakes at the moment and not finding them... I'll probably find them eventually and wonder as to how I missed them! Thank you very much for your input, it's much appreciated.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:10:13 -0600

seperate* Fire and rain I really wish there was an edit button.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:07:50 -0600

1. Starting a book with someone waking up is a major no-no in my book. It's overdone, in my opinion. The getting dressed part isn't particularly interesting either. I wouldn't mind it much - it's not really BAD, just overused, after all - if you hadn't followed it up with the exposition about the protagonist. That is the weakest point of your whole beginning. I suggest completely getting rid of it and sprinkling that information throughout the rest of the novel in other ways. A good rule of thumb is that there should never be any exposition on the first couple pages, and very little in the rest of the first chapter. Exposition automatically turns off the reader, especially in modern times, when it's popular to start books in media rez. Other than a bit of awkward wording, that's your only problem. If I were your editor, I'd suggest cutting everything until "The shopkeeper, Jourd, was..." and putting the information about the Emperor of Hoorg later on, sprinkled within dialogue. That said, this looks like it has some potential. I can't judge your entire story based upon it, but it seems like you could do really well with this if you worked on it. 2. If it ISN'T fantasy, you are a strange author. I can't quite tell, but it seems to work fine as YA as far as age group goes. 3. Eh, I'd turn the page to see if it was worth my while, but I probably wouldn't buy it (admittedly, there are VERY few books that I WOULD buy. I don't have much money for books). 4. C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:09:53 -0600

Stephen White I don’t care whether anyone reads this or not. I really don’t. So to whoever’s reading this – please, just put it back where you found it. It’s not worth your time. Heck, it’s not worth my time. I’m only writing it because the others insist upon it (for posterity or something else equally pointless). So go out and read something more interesting. I get the feeling Ethan’s going to yell at me once he reads that. Oh well. I suppose I’d better get to the story, otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it. Don’t expect it to be any good. I don’t. Friday, September 7, 7:38 am Ethan moaned. “Go away,” he mumbled, turning over and covering his head with a pillow. “Come on. We’re leaving in ten minutes. You need to get ready.” I sighed, grabbed a loose end of his blanket, and yanked it out from around him. He tumbled out of bed. “Now move it!” I cried. “At least get dressed. Unless you want your girlfriend to see you in your race car PJs.” His hand reached out and grasped the bed post. He pulled himself into a standing position, his eyes still half-closed.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 07:20:19 -0600

Fair comment about the blurb on the back of the book. However, my point about introducing the reader to the storyline (may be "plot" was the wrong word) stands. I might make the point better by using the book I am currently reading as an example: "Light a Penny Candle" by Maeve Binchey - her first published novel and a best-seller. The blurb tells me that the book is about a girl evacuated to Ireland from her London home during The Blitz, and the enduring friendship that results. It also tells me that the book covers a 20-year period. I didn't know whether I was going to like Maeve Binchey, as I haven't read any of her other books and this one is a bit of a tome at 800+ pages. I don't have a lot of money to spend and the book cost €10.80. I didn't want to buy it and get bored half-way into the first chapter. I needed to engage with the author's style on the first page, otherwise I'd likely have put it down again. In fact, the first page contains just 177 words. However, in that short opening, I already have a good idea of the character of the mother, and can surmise that the girl's destination will be a last resort, and that there are likely to be marriage issues in store further down the line. Of course lots of other things will happen and there will doubtless be a few surprises in the next 800 pages, but the first page gives me a good idea of what to expect. If you look at other books you have enjoyed, you will doubtless find the same sort of thing. If you picked up the first novel from an unknown author and had to read through some sort of introduction or character profiles before you got to the story-proper, you probably wouldn't bother.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 07:33:14 -0600

Critique: Hark at the pot calling the kettle "black". In your critique of FrenziedMythology's work you say "Starting a book with someone waking up is a major no-no in my book. It's overdone, in my opinion." So go badk and have another look at what you have done. First, you tell your reader that your novel is not worth reading. You should cut that right out, unless you want a publisher to take you at your word. Then you start your story with Ethan waking up and tumbling out of bed ... And you are right, it isn't in the least interesting. Genre: impossible to say Age group: YA? Buy or turn the page: put it back where I found it Grade: D (for hypocrisy)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 10:58:43 -0600

"forgers junk heap then a stylistic machine" should be "forgers junk heap THAN a stylistic machine". "creator of the machine felt of a gentle breeze" the OF doesn't need to be there. This is just how I read it anyway, I wouldn't worry about it that much :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 11:22:59 -0600

http://www.mediafire.com/?nay68nxbyr773y2 It's a digital copy of my novel... You'll understand what I mean about the character profiles. Do you still think the characters are 2d, after say the first few pages? I'm not wanting to get published, just tell a good story. I read the first page of Flowers In The Attic by VC Andrews... it's a prologue and nothing much happens, you find out that the main character is starting some kind of writing from their journal, and is a lot older now and is a fan of Charles Dickens.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

cindy9712 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 12:11:43 -0600

Thank you very much for your critique!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:10:59 -0600

Along with telling them that starting their book like that wasn't a good idea, I also told them that it wouldn't have really bothered me if they hadn't followed it with exposition. Furthermore, I actually gave them some advice on what to change and complimented them on having a good base premise that could be better with some editing. I'm not going to discount your opinion, but telling me that my story "isn't in the least interesting" is far from constructive criticism. I don't mean to be a she-dog or anything, but you aren't grading me on my critiques of other people, you're grading me on my 200-words. Giving me a D "for hypocrisy" is just nasty. I'd be fine if you just told me "hey, you seem to have done exactly what you told FrenziedMythology not to do." That's constructive. I probably would've changed my opening based on that. But you had to go a step beyond and insult my work without giving me any advice on how to change it, other than cutting the first 180 words. I'm not going to bother defending my work and mentioning why I think your opinion is wrong on both counts. That's not the point. This thread was for constructive criticism, and what you gave isn't even close.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:23:50 -0600

[quote=adora1983]I read the first page of Flowers In The Attic by VC Andrews... it's a prologue and nothing much happens, you find out that the main character is starting some kind of writing from their journal, and is a lot older now and is a fan of Charles Dickens. [/quote] Ye gads!!! Is that all you saw? Really? And what made you want to read on? "Flowers in the Attic" really isn't my type of book but, boy, can the author write. The first paragraph alone is wonderfully emotive. It tells the reader everything they need to know about the title of the book. If anything, it reinforces what I have been saying about a hook. Even I wanted to read on beyond Amazon's Kindle preview!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:56:32 -0600

No worries :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:15:05 -0600

Well yeah it tells you why the book is entitled Flowers In The Attic. I meant it doesn't really for me tell me much, I read on because just through wanting too.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:55:41 -0600

Thanks! I am wondering how I missed that now, and shall go back to fix it up.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 17:07:35 -0600

I'm genuinely sorry that you thought I was being nasty. I really didn't mean to be. However, I do stand by my critique. It was not a critique of your critique, but of your opening. I'm sure I am not the only one who saw the irony in your firm and authoritative, rejection of waking up as an opening for a novel ... and then doing exactly the same yourself. I didn't say your story wasn't in the least interesting. It might be brilliant. Unfortunately, your opening is not - primarily because you have wasted half your word count telling the reader not to bother with your book. If you want to get away with a gimmick like that, you need to give us a hint as to why you are writing it. There must be a good reason, after all. Then there's the getting in or out of bed thing which is not necessarily a complete no no, but is not recommended unless there is some dramatic element. Anyway, I was tactless and, for that, I apologise.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

tinkerbinker — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:05:21 -0600

Critique - Firstly, I'd like for you to go read The Chronicles of Amber. It starts out with someone waking up, and really shows how to do it so that it captures the readers interest. It doesn't directly translate to what you're starting out with here, but it should help none-the-less. Also, since you are doing first person try to start out the first line (after the date) in first person. The first sentence makes me think it'll be third person, and then suddenly I'm heading into first. That'll leave the readers in a lurch and will make them put it back on the shelf. The Chronicles of Amber will really help show you how to flow in first person though I do suggest working out your own style. You do have a good start in knowing that not everything can be stated by the first person narrative, and with some more practice I think you'll be able to master that. Moving on to the point of the very start... I can see ways that you could do this and if you don't mind I’m going to post an example or two, though as of the moment I can't recall any specific book examples that I'd want you to read. "I can tell you that I'm writing this book for posterity, or even a recording of history, but that would be a lie. I'm writing this because the others involved insist on it. Couldn't tell you why, honestly, when I don't care how many people read it. This story happened and that's the end of it. Recording it is not about to change the way things are! Tch. Anyway... I'll get onto the story so Ethan wont get the urge to yell at me when he sees that." This is just an example. The first line no longer turns readers off as much, and I'd like to see you adjust what you have away from where you currently have. As a last thing on what could be changed I'll say always pay attention to flow. To quote "He reached out and grasped the bedpost. He pulled himself into a standing position, his eyes still half closed." Fragments that could be improved by writing them more like this - "He reached out and grasped the bedpost, pulling himself into a standing position with his eyes still half-closed." It keeps your wording, but the reader wont feel like they're being interrupted in the middle with a pause. There are good points in this, though, and I think with a little practice you'll be able to get an excellent novel. You understand that first person can't just be the person describing everything, which is good, and I get the feeling that this novel will be heading in an interesting direction. 2. Genre and age group? Fantasy & YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page. 4. Grade? (Letter System) C.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 21:09:15 -0600

Sometimes tiny errors can just be over looked if you've read it too many times! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 08:59:05 -0600

Thanks for apologizing. I'm sorry that I freaked out on you so much... it was not a good time.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 11:13:11 -0600

" You'll receive your ranking momentarily.Please wait outside." he says as I'm ushered outside the room, his voice devoid of any sign of concern, his eyes never leave the computer screen. Why would he care? I thought. It's not his life that's about to be made or broken. I'm shown back to the waiting room where I feel a little relieved to see the familiar face of Lain sitting in his chair. He smiles when he sees me and gestures for me to take the seat beside him. "The worst is over." he says in a feeble attempt to relax me, but it only takes one look at him to know he doesn't believe it. We sit silently for the next couple of minutes. I look around the room then turn to Lain, "only a few people are left." I say. "you're the last one to be checked," he answers,"we're all waiting for our ranki..." he is interrupted. "Lain Stokholm" the name echoes in the nearly empty room."I guess it's my turn." he says as he gets up "Do you want me to wait till you're done?" he asks."No,it's ok" I say,"Besides I don't want to leave Alice alone more than this." he nods and turns towards the door."Good luck!" I say,he looks at me and grins,"How crazy can I really be?" and he's out through the door.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

blueeyedgirl417 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:54:57 -0600

My mom said that when I was born, my chest was still and my eyes were closed. I didn’t cry, or move. I was silent. She said that everyone thought that I had been a stillborn. My mom said she had started crying un-relentlessly. She said the doctors and my dad went to go clean me off anyway, thinking that my chest was riddled with goop. But even after the doctors cleared my body, I was unmoving. The doctors left the room and my dad started crying. He had lost his first girl. But then my older brother came in the room demanding to see his new sister. My dad tried to stop him from going over to my lifeless body, but my brother wouldn’t listen and ran past him. My brother stared at me mouth agape. He was ten years old at the time. He grabbed my hand, “She’s so pretty dad.” And then what my parents would refer to as their miracle, I squeezed my brothers hand. I opened my eyes and yawned heavily, as if I had been sleeping for years. He giggled, and my dad who had been sitting in a chair across the room ran over, gasping when he saw my open eyes. Such a deep forest green they almost looked like pieces of moss themselves. My brother and I shared this unspeakable bond with one another. Almost as if we were linked from that moment on. My dad yelled for the doctors to come back in and everyone was astonished that I was alive. Not just alive, but moving and giggling about. As if there had never been an issue to start with. My mom burst into happy tears when she heard the news. All in all a lot of tears were shed the day I was born. Relatives on either side would come to gawk at my parents miracle child. Even though I was just a baby. Nothing special about me. Not yet anyways. The special would come later. After they had passed me off as an ordinary child. Just like any other. But for now I was simply Allis Grey.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:25:11 -0600

I understand what you are trying to do in this sample, but it is all wrong. I can understand that as a writer, you can take some poetic licenses, but you have to make it believable. I will tell you some of the inconsistencies. In the age of modern medicine, we do not think a baby is stillborn. We know. In every hospital delivery, there is a fetal monitoring strip that tracks the baby's heartbeat. We know when a heart is beating in a womb and when it is not. There is no mystery there. There is no thinking that a chest is covered in "goop." It is covered in goop. Birthing is gooey and sticky and there is slimy stuff all over the baby. The doctor will never clean the baby, he has to stay around and make sure that there is no problem with the third stage of labor (delivery of the placenta). The father will always stay with the mother until everything is done. The nurse cleans the baby. When a baby comes out not breathing, an immediate code is called and you would not believe how much effort is given to resuscitate a baby. Before you even attempt a think like this, I would suggest that you research normal birthing. It is important that you understand what actually happens in a delivery. Now down a few lines, newborns do not move a giggle about. They eat and sleep and crap. There is not much interaction other than the palmar grasp when you put a finger in their hands. Babies are boring until they start recognizing faces. The mother bursting into happy tears...the last I knew, she was in the room. She wouldn't have to be told. Most birthing suites are pretty small and she would be able to see what happened. Now you may say that I am being picky about all of this, but you say in the text: passed me off as an ordinary child. Just like any other. I do not like the word "unmoving." When mom cried un-relentlessly... so she didn't cry that much? Or was it in starts and stops? I think it is a bad word choice. I am not going to correct your grammar or punctuation, but you need to go through this thing with a critical eye and fix errors. Your writing is marred with these mistakes. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:45:17 -0600

I agree in principle with J_S_C's critique but, inaccurate or not, I rather like your opening. Could you not fix it easily by having your character born in different circumstances ... away from the expert hands of the hospital delivery room? In transit, perhaps, with an ill-equipped doctor or midwife in attendance? You'd be amazed how many people do make their entry into the world under less than ideal conditions. (My own husband was born in an ambulance!) As a non-medical person, I spotted one further apparent inconsistency. Most caucasian babies are born with dark blue eyes and most black or asian babies are born with grey or brown eyes. A child's real eye colour, be it blue, brown, green, grey or hazel, doesn't develop until about 6 months. Now, of course, your character is special, so you may have intended for her to have unusual eyes but I suspect she would have created a great deal of medical interest in that case. It wouldn't just be her relatives that came round to gawk! I don't have a particular problem with your grammar. You don't write like I would, but I think it is mainly a style thing and, as the story is written in the first person, may be perfectly ok in establishing a voice for your character. A lot depends on the genre and age group you are aiming at. One of my biggest issues, writing in the third person limited, is to establish distinct "voices" for each of my characters. Beginning writers often apply the same correct but dull style to all POV's, thereby denying their characters individual personalities. Genre: Fantasy/Adventure? Age Group: YA Buy or turn the page: turn the page Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 06:13:59 -0600

Critique: My first observation is that you have a major issue with punctuation. Please, please, get some expert help on this. I could go through the whole piece adding line breaks, full stops, capitals, adding commas, etc., but I won't. Just take it from me, your punctuation is appalling and distracts the reader from your story. On the other hand, your opening is intriguing - perhaps a little too intriguing. Naturally, you have withheld details to add to the suspense, but I'm not sure you haven't gone too far. Would it really spoil things to know who "he" is, in the first line? Could you not give him a job title without giving too much away? Your opening reads like two patients waiting to receive test results from a doctor. I totally get that there is more to it than that, but I feel you could be a little more generous to your reader. The scene is just a little too short on detail to grab my interest. Otherwise there are a few words I would change or cut. para 1, l.1 outside = I prefer "out of" para 2, l.1 sitting in his chair = Cut. It's a waiting room. Waiting rooms generally have chairs. para 2, l.3 to relax me = prefer "put me at ease" para 3, l.3 more than this = prefer "any longer" There are other problems, but proper punctuation would improve things greatly. Genre: Ranking madness? Adventure/Fantasy (seems I always come back to those two)? Age group: YA Buy or turn the page: subject to improvement, turn the page Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Common136 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:36:04 -0600

Thank you sooo much for your help I really appreciate it. I know it's a little short on details but that's all I could reveal in the first page, but by the end of the first chapter things get alot more interesting and you'll have better idea of what's really going on. As the the punctuation I know I need help with it and I'm trying to understand it better but it seems I'm just not getting it. I'll get my English teacher to properly explain it to me as soon as the second semester starts. I do have a question though, could the first page be more than 200 words? Because I think the reader would understand what's going on alot better by the 400th word or so in my novel. Again thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique and I really appreciate it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:17:17 -0600

If you are seeking publication in tradition paper format, the first page is unlikely to exceed 200 words. The first page of the book I am reading at the moment contains only 177 words. This is due to font size and formatting. If you look at any book, you will find that the first page of a new chapter usually starts some way down the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

NanoDiva — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:23:10 -0600

“I am not able to resist you.” “Nor do you wish to,” Ava quipped. “Well, yes, I suppose that’s true.” “So why should that be my problem?” “Oh it wouldn’t be a problem,” Jack said, drawing himself closer to Ava, “If you would only allow it to happen.” “How original,” she mused, pretending to be unaffected by the closing distance between her and the man with whom she was so profoundly in love. Jack narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re faking right now,” he suddenly stated. “Faking what, exactly?” “Disinterest.” Ava automatically backed up a step or two. “I don’t fake anything, least of all my disinterest, no, distaste for this conversation, and for you.” She could sense his confidence increasing and felt the need to do whatever necessary to tear it down. Undeterred, Jack inched forward. “You just enjoy torturing me, then.” “Perhaps,” Ava said, “But I would hardly consider my behavior to be torturous in comparison to what you have done.” Her eyes gleamed with an unmistakable darkness now. Jack could tell that Ava was done playing. He felt uneasy, as if the conversation was about to be abruptly stopped without his wanting it to. No, he thought to himself, There’s something else. Something she’s not telling me. “Ava,” Jack said her name slowly. “Is there something you want to say?” Ava swallowed hard. She knew it was time to tell him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 06:06:57 -0600

The infection makes me writhe in pain. Laying on my bed, I grip the sheets like they're all I can hold on to, gnashing my teeth and biting my shirt, sweating profusely. My fever is high; even I can feel it now. I take heavy, short breaths, and it's all I can do not to shout or call out for help. My hunger is burning my stomach. My lungs are stuffed, and despite panting for air, it's hard to breathe. The wound on my left leg is throbbing, and I think that if worse comes to worst, the only way I can survive is with an amputation. It's been three days since I got the wound. Three days since I stumbled into a zone of three of the horde. I ran from them, of course. I was afraid and stupid, and if I didn't make a run for it then, I would have died; what else was I supposed to do? Prayed for a miracle? Ha. I've seen people go through these infections. Weak-willed people who died after one or two nights of struggling, a simple disease enough to knock the life out of them. Town after town, there would always be someone to die from it, like it was an epidemic. It wasn't pretty: bags formed under their eyes, their cheeks hollowed out, their lips cracked dry. Even the skin, whether it was pale or dark or tan, would turn into a sickly shade of blue, sometimes green. The moment they stopped thrashing and screaming, you knew they were dead.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:45:43 -0600

Critique: First off, I have to ask if this takes place in a medieval world or hundreds of years ago. The reason I ask is that the dialogue is extremely formal, which would be entirely unrealistic present day. However, it shouldn't be too much of a problem if my suspicions were correct. I also have to say that I'm getting really no personality from either character. Put some more personality into their dialogue by making a joke, or giving each character their own personal way of speaking. In addition, add a bit more action and detail in the writing surrounding the dialogue. This will also help for the lack of setting. I'm not saying you have to describe where they are down to every little detail, but since this is suppose to be the beginning and you immediately jump into the plot, you should at least add a little explanation of the characters' whereabouts. I do praise you for jumping immediately into the plot though, for that quickly indicates the reader this story is truly going somewhere. Genre: Eh...a historical romance, or fantasy maybe? Shelve or Buy: Shelve it, but that's mostly because it just doesn't sound like the type of book I would normally read Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:52:48 -0600

It peeked out through the mulch of torn sweaters and lingering orange-scented mist, an overwhelmingly fragrant consequence of wood polish abuse. It crinkled flimsily as the air from the vent directly underneath the windowsill sifted through the jagged cutouts, hushed against the cold creak of the drawer. It smelled of spilt Starbucks-brand coffee, a beverage that still tasted much too bitter even with the addition of a cheap half and half packet that was cunningly stolen from the local diner. It boiled the heart in tears normally shed over a loved one’s headstone. It lay there in its blouse-lined coffin. Preserved. Sad. Mottled with rigid words of death. And all it was was a twelve-year-old newspaper with ten-year-old coffee stains and even older ink smudges. Note: Rather than just improving this passage, I have recently considered altering the beginning completely to a more in actiony (yes, I know that is not a word), medias res type thing, but I'm still not sure, so tell me if you think I should.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:58:02 -0600

This is written very poetically, and your prose is beautiful. But after reading this, my only reaction is "so what?" Great. There's paper in a trashcan. And? You spend way too much time on this. Cut it. I don't need to know that someone stole half and half from a diner to put in their coffee. I don't need to know that the coffee tastes bitter, or that it was from starbucks. Unless these elements are vital to your story, they don't need to be there. If this was later in the book, maybe it would be ok. But for a first page, this doesn't hook me at all. Really, it can be cut to one sentence - The twelve year old newspaper fluttered in the breeze. I don't understand what this sentence - "It boiled the heart in tears normally shed over a loved one’s headstone" - is trying to say. It sounds beautiful, but it doesn't really make sense. I think that your idea of changing to a more actiony (and that should totally be a word) beginning would be great. I love a good bit of description, which is what this is. But not on the first page, which ought to be hooking your reader. Something with more action would pull me in. You write very well - this scene just doesn't work. Genre: Can't tell. Buy or shelve? I would probably put it back. Grade: B for writing, D for effectiveness.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:10:03 -0600

When I read this, I have a very clear sense of what's going on. The problem is that the tone of the writing doesn't match what the narrator seems to be feeling. Present tense often leads to that, which is what I think is happening here - it can be difficult to work with. The narrator is telling me that they're in pain, that it's hard to breath, that they're writhing and gnashing their teeth. But they're still reflecting calmly on the situation. Someone who's in as much pain as you describe isn't going to be able to narrate as rationally as your narrator is. I, as the reader, is being told that they're in pain - but I'm not seeing it. You need to show the pain, not just tell us about it. I would suggest using shorter, less coherent sentences. Later, when they're recovered, they can explain what happened. Genre: I'm guessing zombies... Buy or shelve? If I liked the back, I might read another page to see if the voice changed at all. Grade: C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:19:03 -0600

Thank you for the critique. Beginnings are my worst nightmare when it comes to writing. I suck at them. When I was younger, I used to like doing more descriptive openings, but as I have matured, I have found myself preferring in medias res. I think I will just totally change it, because the more that I read the passage, the more the problems you pointed out (like the unnecessary details) jump out at me. Thanks again!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:07:18 -0600

My graphic design teacher said this (though I think this applies across the board): Do not apologize for your work. Say simply that you did the best you could for the time you were given. (then do better next time.) You are allowed to suck, but it's best not to point out your own mistakes, but to use the time to ask how to get better. It's like an ice skater saying to the judges after a show, "Oh yeah, I know I sucked... did you see me fail the triple toe loop--I think you missed that, but you should give me demerits for it."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

YunaTH — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 07:12:29 -0600

For as long as I have known Mr. Springstein, he had always carried that ghost baby like an accessory on his back. I pretended not to notice it, and I was always careful to take sneak peeks out of the corner of my eye. One side of its head was brutally smashed in. The other eye socket looked sunken, corpse like. I could feel the puckered eye from the severely disfigured part of its head watching me with a possessiveness over its host that was only native to beasts. As far as I knew, Mr. Springstein never had any children. It made me curious about why such a powerful ghost was clinging to his back so jealously; the majority of ghosts or spirits or whatever they were came with the night. Some couldn't stand the light. A rare few can. “Thank you so much for helping me, Camilla dear,” he said in a thin, wheezy voice. He leaned on his cane as he stopped in front of me. I was raking the leaves that seasoned his front porch into a neat pile. “Can't really do it myself. My back hasn't been in good shape in a long time.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

harrypoter4ever — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:30:12 -0600

It was a bright room, yet seemed to be hiding a threatening growl. But it was occupied by a teenager. Sunlight was streaming through the windows. When Falyn woke, she was in a hospital. She didn’t remember who she was or anything else. All she knew was that she was scared and shouldn’t be in a hospital. All she wanted was to get out of there. A door opened and a nurse walked in carrying coloring books, a copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, colored pencils, and a medicine tray. The nurse was chatting away amiably on her cell phone. She dropped everything except her phone and the medicine tray. “Oh, you’re awake! That’s great! Are you okay?” she was talking quickly. Falyn quickly rolls to the far side of the bed. She knows nothing about this place. The nurse notices and laughs. “Oh, you don’t need to be scared of me. Call me Annie,” she said. “Where am I?” asked Falyn defiantly. “You’re in the hospital of course. How are you feeling, dearie?” asked Annie. “Why?” asked Falyn. “Well, you’ve lost a lot of blood. Here take these.” Annie dumped all the books on the foot of Falyn’s bed. “What are those?” said Falyn nodding to the coloring books. “Coloring books,” replied Annie distractedly. She was pouring medicine into a cup. “What do they do?” asked Falyn. Annie turned around. She held some black- more of an extremely dark purple- colored medicine. “You don’t know? They are for amusement. You take colored pencils like these,” she held up the colored pencils, “and color in them.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

NanoDiva — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 19:19:21 -0600

Thank you for the critique. Admittedly, this passage is not from the beginning of my novel. It's actually a conversation between the two main characters that takes place somewhere in the middle. I guess I broke the rules a bit. Anyway, very interesting comment about my dialogue. The novel actually is set in present day; it is realistic fiction; not historical or a fantasy novel. I never thought of it as being too formal. But I agree with your advice to add more personality in the dialogue--that is definitely something I'm lacking.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 20:52:47 -0600

The thing about your dialogue is that it is in near perfect grammar. There are really no contractions or anything like that. In real life, people don't have time to correct their grammar in their minds before speaking, so usually "Hello. Would you like to accompany me to the park" comes out more as "Hey, wanna go to the park with me." Read the sentences like “I don’t fake anything, least of all my disinterest, no, distaste for this conversation, and for you" and “Nor do you wish to" and "Perhaps, but I would hardly consider my behavior to be torturous in comparison to what you have done." Could you really imagine an average person of present day speaking like this naturally all of the time? Could you imagine yourself speaking like this naturally. I personally couldn't. The funny thing is one of my favorite television shows is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a series know for its witty, eloquent dialogue, despite the characters being teenagers initially. The reason it works is because the actors say it so naturally in a quick, joking voice, almost as if mocking their own eloquence, and then pairing it with nonsense words (or "Buffy Speak") like "lurky" or "driviness" or "weirdish." This is hard to translate into writing, because you cannot actually listen to the characters talk. I kept hearing them talk as two British people from the Victorian Era in my mind. My advice? Use less formal grammar, add some contractions ("I'm" sounds so much more natural and realistic than "I am"), and maybe read it to yourself every once in a while just to see how natural and effortless the words sound aloud. It's okay to have a few lines of blatant eloquence every so often, but if that is how all the dialogue is, then it just comes out unnatural and forced.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:11:28 -0600

Okay, I completely redid my beginning. Here it goes: When they got the call about Lena's parents, Foreman spilled the flour. Lena was upstairs at the time, rummaging through her mother's cosmetic drawer for any possible signs of wrapping paper or Toys "R" Us gift receipts. She could imagine Foreman, sporting a veil of nervous sweat as he sloppily sliced off the heads of excess sugar on the measuring cups, and whispering mild obscenities every time a piece of egg shell fell into the cake mix. And then the phone rang. And then the policeman, Officer Hollow, used several meaningless words to say something incredibly little; Jaclyn and John Price, wife and mother, husband and father, are dead. That's when the flour sack plummeted to the linoleum beneath. Three cups of all-purpose flour, one large egg, half a tablespoon of vanilla extract, a splash of rain, one extra pissed off vampire, two dead parents (drained)--- the perfect recipe for a ruined sixth birthday.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

overthehill — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:57:05 -0600

Critique: I like this a lot more than your previous opening. There’s more going on and, generally speaking, you are on the right track for an excellent opening page. It looks as if you understand what is required. On the other hand, I’m not sure whether you are engaging the reader as well as you might. There is a distinct lact of drama. This is partly to do with vocabulary, and partly to do with POV. Whose POV are you writing from? If it is Lena’s, she cannot possibly know the exact moment that Foreman drops the flour, as she is upstairs. If it is Foreman’s, he cannot possibly know that Lena is rifling through her mother’s cosmetic drawer. My gut feeling is that the piece is meant to be written from Lena’s point of view. Foreman is shocked enough by the news to drop the bag of flour, but Lena seems more preoccupied with her birthday party than with the death of her parents. I’m presuming that this is intentional. You could fix the POV issue easily by mentioning that “Lena heard the phone ring, followed by the sound of a bag of flour hitting the floor …” Or you could switch POV’s between paragraphs, but you need to make the switch evident to avoid confusing the reader. Speaking of flour, have you done any baking yourself? I only ask because your quantities seem a bit off. You talk of Foreman slicing the heads off multiple cups of suger and swearing “every time” a piece of egg shell falls into the mixture (implying more than one egg). However, in the final paragraph you say just one egg is wasted. Also, half a tablespoon of vanilla extract is an AWFUL lot. Half to one teaspoon would be more than sufficient for most purposes (though vampires might have different tastes in these things). You might think me pedantic, but oddly enough people pick up on these things. There’s nothing wrong with your cake-baking scene, but I would just check a cookbook for accuracy. Three other small things I’m not keen on are Repetition - “And then the phone rang. And then the policeman …” Alliteration – “sloppily sliced” (how about “absently sliced” or “absently skimmed”) And this sentence – “… Officer Hollow, used several meaningless words to say something incredibly little …”. This looks a little meaningless itself. I’m not sure what emotion you are trying to convey. Genre: Supernatural, fantasy Age group: YA Buy or turn the page: Vampires aren’t really my thing but, yeah, I’d turn the page Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 13:42:58 -0600

The reason the quantities in the recipe are off is because it originally was not a cake recipe, but I changed it at the last minute. The recipe I used before actually did, if you can believe this, one full tablespoon of vanilla extract. I cut it in half because that already seemed like too much. I simply forgot to change the ingredients a bit in that part to match an average cake recipe. As for your other suggestions, I fixed them. I agree with you on "...Officer Hollow, used several meaningless words to say something incredibly little." There was something that kept bothering me with this sentence, but I wasn't sure what exactly.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 22:24:16 -0600

Thank you. Very much appreciated. :) Though I think it's a tradeoff between the narrator narrating, or the narrator being the character. It would have been very confusing if I just had the narrator feeling pain realistically, don't you agree? That much pain calls for zero coherence, which might do more harm than good. I hope you'll give your thoughts some more on this! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:26:01 -0600

I could probably give better opinions if I knew where the story was going. Is this the actual beginning, with later events to come that will still be told in present tense? Or is this more of a framing plot, with the narrator looking back on what's happened already? Or something else entirely?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

frenziedmythology — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:10:14 -0600

The Emperor lay quietly in his cell, his face dripping with blood and his breath coming in long rasps. The metal door at the end of the cell creaked open, and the Emperor wanted to see who it was. Problem is, he's too tired to move. Pity, I know. A hulking figure walked across the room and stood over the Emperor's near death body, dripping saliva and body sweat all over. He kicked a metal platter with his foot toward the Emperor's face. “Eat.” He commanded gruffly. The Emperor pushed hard against the wet cold floor with his left shoulder to bring his head up to where he could cast his vision into the platter. Bread that looked several months old and some green water. Overcome by the hopelessness of his diet, the Emperor dropped his head down to the ground and winced in anticipation. His anxiety wasn't wasted. The cruel guard kicked him in the side. The Emperor gazed up at the guard's face. This cruel man was just that. Man. Not a rock-being encased by red or purple flames, but a man, even though he was covered by fur of several animals and leather straps. A sword lay at the man's waist, and an axe on his back. Tied around his waist as though it were a belt was a whip, fashioned in black leather with sharp points at the side where it would tear into the victim's flesh. The Emperor should know. He'd fallen prey to that weapon countless times. That was the reason his head and back were covered in blood. He had resisted, which resulted in eight lashes, every time he did it. Yet he still did it. He never gave up hope. Until today. When he saw the menu. He was finally broken.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:57:09 -0600

Normally the police go to the home of the next of kin to notify them of a death rather than making a phne call.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:13:18 -0600

Critique: I like this! However, you need to rewrite that first paragraph. You use the word 'was' eight times in those few sentences. Restructure some of those thoughts. I find Falyn intriguing and that will get me farther into the book. I get the impression that Faylin is not in a world (or setting) that is familiar to her. You created a scene with a lot of unanswered questions. What happened to Faylin? Is she safe where she is? Should she take that medicine? How different is she? How did she get here? Genre: This strikes me as a fantasy. It's not only her unusual name, but also the circumstances. Age group: It could be Young Adult or Middle Grades. (The coloring books make me lean toward Middle grades) Turn the page or buy it: Definitely turn the page. If the summary on the back holds as much promise as this first page, I just might buy it. Grade: A -- First Draft, so you get an 'A' even though I think the first paragraph needs some work.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:29:34 -0600

It's the beginning, and the entire story will be written that way. Do you think that the present tense style in general is just problematic, or does the rationality of the narrator simply irk you when narrating situations like these, when they aren't supposed to be able to think straight?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:56:04 -0600

1. Critique First thing I noticed as I read was that you kept saying "the Emperor." You REALLY should just use "he" much more often. Seeing "the Emperor" so much kind of drew me out of the story. If you change one thing about this, that should be it. Other than a few other instances of awkward wording, the writing is pretty good. The subject is even better. Though I would like more details on exactly WHY this whole scene is going on, I assume those appear later on in the narrative. 2. Genre and age group The genre appears to be fantasy. The age group is impossible to tell from this selection. 3. Buy it or turn the page I'd turn the page, and whether I bought it or not would depend upon whether the pages that followed wow-ed me or not. 4. Grade I'd give it a B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:57:00 -0600

Most of Matthew’s mother’s rules made sense to him. He wasn’t to eat anything unless she said he could, nor to drink any water until she’d purified it, nor to ever touch baby animals, and he was never to yell. These rules all had good reasons behind them. Lots of tasty-looking things in the forest were poisonous, the water had lots of dirt and tiny creatures in it before it was purified, touching baby animals either caused the mother to abandon the baby or attack you, and yelling scared away any prey animals and alerted any predators to your whereabouts. Those rules he understood. But there was one rule he could never make sense of: he was never, under any circumstances, to venture out of the forest and near the city. His mother reminded him of that rule every time he went out. It confused him every time. When he was a toddler, he’d asked his mother about it at least a million times. She’d always managed to avoid answering. He was easily distracted by all the other questions that mystified him, so he’d stopped asking. But now he was eight, and eight-year-old boys are much more persistent than four-year-old boys.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

frenziedmythology — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:11:22 -0600

Thanks. I'll change that now!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:48:38 -0600

Every person has a story that needs to be told. My name is Brooklyn Pearson, and I am a survivor. ~ It all started one September day when William and Carter, two good friends of mine, walked through the doors of my school. The crisp, cool breeze filtered through the door as Will smiled at me as he walked past me, looking through my locker. “Hey Brooke, what are you doing tonight?” Will asked, his baby blue eyes staring at me. I shoved him away with a laugh. "You know what I'm doing." “Oh, do I?” He replied, fixing his brown hair as he smiled back at me. “We got a test to prepare for. Or did you forget about it while you were daydreaming about ponies and butterflies?” I asked, smiling and laughing. “Hey you two, do you want to be late for class?” Carter said, cutting in between us. Will leaned over and checked his bag. “Oh man, I need to get going. Mr. Morris had something for me that I need for class.” I closed my locker and clutched my notebook to my chest as I hurried to class. Little did I know how that day would change my life forever.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:51:19 -0600

Your excerpt seems okay, however, it does seem like it would be for young children to me. It lacks a good hook as well. Genre and Age Group?: Not sure, 7-12 year olds. Buy or Turn the Page?: Shelve it. Grade?: B-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:57:20 -0600

[quote]“What are those?” said Falyn nodding to the coloring books. “Coloring books,” replied Annie distractedly. She was pouring medicine into a cup.[/quote] Reword that like this: “What are those?” said Fayln, nodding to the books. “Coloring books,” replied Annie distractedly. She was pouring medicine into a cup. Fayln doesn't know what kind of books those are, so why do you say she nodded to the coloring books? Don't tell the reader before the character. Just a tip. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cinnamoon — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:18:02 -0600

I will be honest in that I don't really like present tense. But that's just my opinion, and if you want to stick with it, it can totally still work. What I would do would be to put a paragraph or so describing the sickness in an irrational way, with the narrator actually going through the pain. Then, I would cut to a later scene where the narrator is feeling a bit better. Or, if that's not possible, dial down the pain a bit. You can strike a compromise here - tone down the pain a little, and put a little bit more irrationality into it. If your narrator is grinding their teeth and writhing in pain, they could not narrate in the calm style you had. But if they're having trouble breathing, with stabbing pain in their arm, maybe, that's a bit more reasonable. And if you bring the narrator a bit more into the present, which does mean becoming more irrational. For example, I would do something more like this for your last paragraph. "People die from this. I saw it. I saw them, fighting, screaming, and then... nothing. But they were weak. I'm strong. Aren't I? I'm strong. I won't die. The colours. The way their skin changed, from brown or white or tan, to blue. Ghastly, sickly blue. Death blue. Not me, though. I'm strong. Strong people don't die. " But everyone has totally different opinions on this, so take what you like and leave the rest. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:41:39 -0600

I liked this really well, because at the first, it sounds like Matthew is a super-sheltered kid with a seriously over-protective germophobe mom. Then you get a little futher into it and it turns out they're living in the forest and these are survival rules. I expect that the forest is a good bit away from the city, and it sounds like he is still a pretty young kid, so I'm not sure how come he would be allowed places by himself (I guess I am confused because "every time HE went out" makes it sounds like he's going out on his own, and he's near enough to the city that he might get there if he wanted to, but maybe that's not so.) I expect you could shorten the third paragraph a little bit - "he'd long since stopped asking about it" is pretty much the sum of things, as far as I can see - but I like how you end it. We are only three paragraphs in, and already I have a pretty good idea of what Matthew is fixing to do. I daresay I could stand to turn the page and see what happens when he does it! 2. Genre and age group I would expect YA fiction, but I don't know enough to get more specific 3. Buy it or turn the page I'd turn that page in a hot minute! 4. Grade A- - could use some tightening in the words, but I sure do like the idea and the storytelling so far

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:57:23 -0600

Well, the first thing I notice is your opening line, which is strong to say the least - it definitely does make me want to know what she's a survivor of. My next impression is, I am definitely not the target audience here - it seems like it is written for teen-age girls, from the point of view of same. So I will take that into account. My only big beef is with regard to a particular part of your writing style - I notice you have a real penchant for having things happen simultaneously. Like this here: "The crisp, cool breeze filtered through the door as Will smiled at me as he walked past me, looking through my locker." That is four things happening at once (breeze, smile, walk-by, look-through), which I suppose CAN all happen at once, but joining so much together with "as"es and the rest reads a little bit on the awkward side. A good number of the dialogue tags have this same thing happen, and sometimes it doesn't seem quite literally possible (it is hard to laugh without smiling, sure, but it even harder to laugh and smile and talk sensibly all at the same time!) What I think would be good is to try and cut down on those tags - either to slice them firmly apart (Carter cut in between us. "Hey, do you want to be late for class?") or to get rid of the ones you don't truly need (like the smiling and laughing one - we can see from her first reply that she is teasing with him and likes him, so we will not be tempted to take her second reply as anything rude or sarcastic, even if all you give us at the end is "I asked.") I DEFINITELY think you are smart to work the action in with the dialogue, though, and I like how you are not afraid to use plain words like "said" and "asked". You definitely know how to make promises to your reader - I can see that from the beginning and end of just this little bit here - and I trust you will keep them splendidly! 2. Genre and age group YA fiction, somewhre in the 12-17 bracket? 3. Buy it or turn the page It's not meant for me, but I can easily imagine some of my 8th-grade students eating this up 4. Grade B-ish, mostly on account of the points above

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:10:47 -0600

I guess I am of a slightly different mind - to call him the Emperor makes a continuing contrast to the brutal way he's being treated, and removes any possibility of confusing his "he" with that of the guard, without resorting to those silly kind of "the proud man" or "the wounded noble" epithets. I will hope that he does get another name, if we continue with him for considerable time after this scene, but for right now it seems fine to me. It took me all the way to the end to get to the best part of this scene, which makes me wonder if it might not make a heck of a beginning. Like if this were your first line: "It was the stale bread that finally broke the Emperor." Can you imagine how big would be the question mark over your reader's head after reading that one? Who-ever heard of an Emperor eating stale bread? What's going on here? (You could continue after that with some other scene-setting things like, "Not his wounds, nor the sweat-streaked brutal guard who'd inflicted them, nor his long months of sunless confinement..." and so-forth.) As it stands, I am still pretty interested in knowing! Right now it sounds like he's been dethroned, but I am still powerfully curious to know how come he's not been executed yet. I think I would like it if the "I" who is narrating could put his nose in a little bit later - just a few paragraphs or so - after we have gotten ourselves firm on where we are. The narrator's use of present-tense also confuses me, as sometimes it seems that we are in first-person present, and sometimes (like at that last paragraph) it seems like we are in third-person past, from the Emperor's point of view. I'd like not to have any confusion about that in these first pages, but as it stands, the scene itself is plenty enough to keep me interested and reading more! 2. Genre and age group Fantasy for sure! And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that maybe the under-13s shouldn't be reading this one. 3. Buy it or turn the page Turn that page! 4. Grade A-/B+, mostly on account of the point-of-view perplexity. Other than that, I am well interested

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:16:19 -0600

On an arid plain under a blistering bright sky, something dressed in the manner of an Ara-Naure woman walked east towards the sun, carrying a fur-swaddled infant. And swearing at it. “Can’t you be STILL, you nasty little parasite,” she said over its tireless screams. “I’m thirsty as well, but you don’t see me having fits over it, do you?” The plume of black smoke behind them was by this point nothing more than a wisp on the western horizon, and of the river ahead there was no evidence at all. In the heat of the day, nothing else moved on that whole windless scrub-dotted expanse but one idle sand viper, its tongue flicking in tandem with the darting of the caretaker’s hollow black eyes as she clutched her disagreeable prize. Then she felt the front of her deerskin dress feebly accosted by a tiny hand, and looked down in loathsome surprise. “What? Do you think there is anything there for you? Here, if it will shut you up, have your udder…” And she pushed her false black-silk hair out of the child’s reach, put the tip of one gaunt brown finger to its mouth, and relished a few moments of desperately-suckling silence before it turned its face away and shrieked with fresh, frustrated outrage.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:20:16 -0600

Dang it, I screwed this up. I didn't mean to - I got my view on Nested, but I looked and looked and couldn't see any "Comment Viewing Options" or "About: FAQ" to orient myself with, not even when I did a Ctrl+F to look for them. Well, slap my wrist and delete my post. I will try again when I have a better understanding of things.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:24:36 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sibil — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 07:35:13 -0600

Ah, I see. You're right, of course. I'm just in the mood for present tense right now and I don't want to break it or else I might go into writer's block, so I write in present tense. But you're correct. As I wrote this, I had in my head the second and third paragraphs where the narrator was already taking a step back from the pain and explaining what the infection was. Also, good job figuring out it was zombies haha. Glad that came through quite well.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:53:34 -0600

As I started to drive, I couldn’t help but think, “What if it’s positive?” I didn’t want to think that. I mean, what’s the chance? I probably just skipped a period, nothing more. Why worry? Soon I arrived home. I peeked in thru the windows. My family was in the living room, from what I could tell. I quietly snuck inside and upstairs, a box of pregnancy test’s hidden in my backpack. I reached my bathroom and pulled out the test. “Here goes nothing,” I said, doing as the directions told. I set it facedown and waited. “Five minutes.” I sat down and checked Facebook. Nothing really new there. Before I knew it the five minutes had passed. I went and started to pick it up, and then I set it down really quick. “Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “One, two, three.” I flipped it over and saw two lines. My hands instantly flew to my mouth. This couldn’t be happening. It was positive. Just then my phone beeped with a text message from my boyfriend. “Hey what are you doing tonight? I <3 U” My heart nearly stopped. Brian. The love of my life. And this baby’s father. “Should I tell him?” I whispered to myself. “How should I tell him?” I quickly texted him back, having decided not to tell him. “I got homework and family things to take care of.” That was the truth, wasn’t it? If I kept this baby, it would be a part of my family. And I had plenty of homework. I wasn’t lying; I was just delaying the truth.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:56:55 -0600

First thing that came to my mind? I don't like the woman. Second thing? This is written great, I want more. Age Group and Genre?: Not sure, I'd have to read more to find out Buy,Turn the page or shelve?: Turn the page! I want to know more! Grade?: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:14:15 -0600

Whoo, madam! If this is from the same story as your other little bit up above, I will ABSOLUTELY cast my vote for this to be the first page of the book! In... what, all of 191 words, you have packed in a KILLER first line, sympathy for the protagonist (don't have to know a thing else about her to know she's in a bad fix), and one heck of a principal conflict for the story. Stick a bar code on me; I am sold. 2. Genre and age group YA, though it might well make a great story to interest adults too 3. Buy it or turn the page I'd look a little funny at the checkout, but I could see myself buying this, sure! 4. Grade A+ - this page will knock you flat.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:17:10 -0600

Aw, thanks; you are so kind to say so! The last part didn't fit in the 200-limit, but here for my own vanity I will paste it in anyway. It's a pretty short scene. ------ She withdrew her hand from the sting of rejection, and behind her cracked lips flashed a hint of small, sharp teeth. “Well, scream all you want! You are a damned ungrateful child, you miserable ugly runt, and when we get to the river I will drown you and leave you for the fishmen!” But although the child carried on unabated, assuring her equal part in its misery, her hurried steps and keen-eyed watchfulness suggested that she did not intend to surrender it to anyone at all.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

-Rochelle — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:30:02 -0600

I like this a lot, the first line draws you in nicely and the pacing is good. However, I think it could be cut down a little to make it more effective - for example, a line such as "I sat down and checked Facebook. Nothing really new there" is the kind of thing I would be inclined to skim if I was reading this book. I think it would read more smoothly if you simply went straight to five minutes later. Aside from that, I think this is a good excerpt and I like it much more than the other one you posted! Genre and Age Group: I'd go with YA. Buy it or turn the page? Probably turn the page. Grade I think I'd give it a B :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

-Rochelle — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:34:44 -0600

The first thing there is to know about me is that I'm a horrible person. I shout, I scream, I tell lies and I hit people for no apparent reason. I've even stolen things, a couple of times. But it's not really my fault, you see, because I never meant for any of this to happen. None of it. It just happened. If I had my way, I would be back home right now watching Pirates of the Caribbean with my mum and not being a freak. That, by the way, is the second thing there is to know about me. I'm not only a horrible person, I'm a freak too. Not, like, deformed or something – at least not physically. I'm just a freak. I can do freaky things with my freaky mind. I don't really understand it, but whatever it is, it's not good. And where I am now? That's not good either. I glance up at the clock. It's hung high on the wall opposite the bed I am sitting on, taunting me. Five.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:55:41 -0600

[quote=-Rochelle] The first thing there is to know about me is that I'm a horrible person. I shout, I scream, I tell lies and I hit people for no apparent reason. I've even stolen things, a couple of times. But it's not really my fault, you see, because I never meant for any of this to happen. None of it. It just happened. If I had my way, I would be back home right now watching Pirates of the Caribbean with my mum and not being a freak. That, by the way, is the second thing there is to know about me. I'm not only a horrible person, I'm a freak too. Not, like, deformed or something – at least not physically. I'm just a freak. I can do freaky things with my freaky mind. I don't really understand it, but whatever it is, it's not good. And where I am now? That's not good either. I glance up at the clock. It's hung high on the wall opposite the bed I am sitting on, taunting me. Five. [/quote] 1. A lot of Info dump at the beginning by telling rather than showing through events. Dump it. I like the last line as an opener, because it has pacing, tension and a concrete problem indicated through it. 2. Genre? Not sure, read like mainstream. 3. Not enough for me to turn the page. I'd need what's after the sentence to see if I want to read it. 4. C+ though I think if I see the rest and there is a twist I might upgrade it higher.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:58:33 -0600

The room was a mess with stacks of paper everywhere and office boxes made as if this place was supposed to be a fort. The overhead light was blocked, so there was another desk lamp on. In the middle of it Lucius sat, typing away at the computer as usual. I was tempted to take that wheely chair and drag him away from the computer. This was more claustrophobic than when I worked in the elevators pushing buttons all day. I sat down on the edge of the table, somewhat pleased that it tilted his typing just a little. "Juana, get off." I crossed my legs, bent down to him, and asked in my sweetest voice, "What are we going to do to drum up business?" He didn't glance at me. If I put a DVD on his spiky head, it would have stayed put, even in his slouched position. "Someone will come," he said, "I know it." I resigned and flashed a hand in front of his face. "That is my department. You do the touchy feely stuff, remember?" This earned me a glare, the first glance I'd seen in two days. "The power is called psychometry."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

-Rochelle — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:10:54 -0600

Thanks for your input! I see what you mean about the info dump, I'll try to fix that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

HarleyB — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 20:10:19 -0600

Critique: It needs some revising of sentence structure and word choice. (This is probably your first draft and that's to be expected.) Are you sure you want Matthew to be eight instead of eleven or twelve. If you're writing for eight and nine year olds, your vocabulary may be too difficult. The unexplained rule says there's trouble ahead and Matthew is headed to it. (I like that.) Genre and age group: Fantasy?, Middle Grades? Buy it or turn the page: Turn the page, I need to read more before deciding to buy. It definitely looks interesting. Grade: A-

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

CountryGirl13 — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:35:10 -0600

The Titanic: ingenuity, man's finest work channeled into one ship, pride of the century displayed for the world. The wealthiest, the upper class, fought for the well- furnished rooms, blissfully unaware of the coming tragedy. Mr. and Mrs. O'Hara, young, newlywed, excited for their honeymoon on the ship, hoped this honeymoon would be a strong foundation for their marriage. What better place to fall in love than the H.M.S. Titanic Mrs. Jane O'Hara hoped their love would be as the rivets on the ship, the small things holding their marriage together, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Celticsmc12 — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:55:56 -0600

Danny was exhausted. He leaned against the counters, a glass of luke-warm water in one hand and a hand full of pulls in the other. " Cheers to more pills." He mumbled dully before popping the pills in his mouth and chugging the water. They didn't work. They never did. As much as he didn't want admit it, he wasn't getting better. His body just wasn't healing. He sat on the counter, staring into empty space, lost in memories he wished he could forget. Memories of what had happened after Sammy had left. He had waken up to an empty room. His stomach was on total fire, sending waves of paralyzing pain up to his brain, blocking his ability to think straight. The one thing that had registered in his pain-riddled conscience was a scream. An agonizing, terrifying scream. DiNozzo. He had tried to get up, tried to help him. But as soon as he moved the slightest bit, the world turned upside down, and his stomach was shot again and again with red-hot daggers. He had drifted off from pain then. Sammy didn't know about it. She didn't need to Meh, less then 200, but I'm lazy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

C.Angelina — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:41:11 -0600

I’ve watched for Sander through the whole proceeding, but it’s only after the judge is about to deliver the sentence that he saunters in. Saunters. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Like it doesn’t matter to him that I’m about to be pronounced guilty for thievery – the most serious offence after murder – when I didn’t even do it. Sander slides into a seat near the judge’s box. The judge gives a sigh of relief. We’ve all been waiting for Sander. As my gang leader, it’s his responsibility to be present for the sentencing. Conner, my accuser, settles into his seat as if getting himself ready to weather an argument. There won’t be one though. Sander won’ go against the evidence. He won’t care enough to negotiate the penalty down. I play with the slender line that chains me to the desk, then guiltily smooth it out. I can almost hear Kay’s prosthetic whir as she paces, but she’ll be halfway across town right now. Lorie wouldn’t let her come, even though she wanted to. Lorie sits beside me now, stiff and aloof. My only defense, even if she wasn’t much of one. “Rita Solano.” It takes me a minute to realize the judge is talking to me. Nobody ever uses my name, never mind my full name.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

C.Angelina — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:51:45 -0600

I was exhausted just reading the first paragraph. It seemed so convoluted that I didn't have anything to hold onto. I was also confused by the names. Is your character named Lucius or Juana? And why is the MC asking him about drumming up business, then say he's only supposed to do the touchy-feely stuff? Your action seems a little off to me. the first two lines of dialogue especially seem wrong. I can't figure out who these people are, or what their relationship is. My mental picture keeps changing, and I'd really like something to latch onto. I really like the last sentence though, it seemed to characterize better than all the proceeding information. Genre: I'd guess somewhere in the sci-fi/ supernatural I think I'd turn the page, but the second page would have to really hook me. Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ScottUkabella — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:01:08 -0600

The first thing you’ll notice when you die is that there are a lot of bees. A layer, kind of like a stratosphere, made up entirely of bees. If you fall through with just a few hundred stings you’re one of the lucky ones. I’ve seen people get carried around up there for days at a time, the bees just stinging and stinging and stinging. The bees down here, you see, they don’t get tired of stinging people. They can just do it over and over and over, and they do. The worst part about being flown around on a carpet of constantly angry bees isn’t the fact that the carpet is made up of fucking bees, oh no. The worst part is that when the bees drop you, that’s only the beginning of your eternal nightmare. I saw a guy once who dropped to the ground after a few days up on the old bee expressway, and he thanked God that finally, dear God finally it was over. I pointed to the demon standing behind him holding a baseball bat covered in rusty protruding nails. That’s probably when he realised just exactly where he was.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WaffleMi1 — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:44:13 -0600

He would do anything to quench his desire. He would like to see them in his alcohol, but they were not the bitter sweet nectar of the gods, he loved. When it splashed down his throat it rejuvenated him. It empowered him. And until his thirst is quenched he would continue to drink until the day was gone. He sat wedged behind the counter in the empty bar he broke into. There was not any way around his addiction he tried controlling it. He couldn’t even make it past withdraws he had during the times he tried to quit. The addiction cost him his job, his money, and his life. For now he didn’t want to think anything or what has happened in the outside world. He wanted to fade out of this reality called life. He didn’t want any part of anything anymore. For now all of his attention was on his last drink and he wanted to savor the moment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:30:58 -0600

Observing the world cannot tell you what it is to live in it. To see it through a lens or hear it on a recording is not to experience it. You can collapse taste into chemical reaction, touch into electrical stimulus, thought into the interaction of numberless neurons; but to be there and sense those things – that is different. That sensation realises the world. It defines. I so longed for that sensation that I took a man's body and killed myself. Their subject paused there and leant back. They nervously scrawled notes in the margin of their forms. There wasn't really a space for these sort of thoughts, and they didn't have long before the next patient. Recommend immediate detainment for further evaluation in light of charges brought against and evidence submitted. Done. Their subject smiled. Six days earlier The sky was filthy with the downpour when Stan shuffled quickly back from the smoking shelter. Times like this I wish I’d just gone ahead and quit, he thought as he swiped his ID through the gates. “Really starting to come down now, eh?” the guard said with a smirk. Stan shrugged and half smiled back. “Really coming down” didn’t do it justice. The wind was howling so loudly his ears were ringing; it had taken him six of the eight minutes he’d spent outside just trying to get his cigarette alight. He was soaked to the skin despite the shelter being barely ten yards from reception. A small puddle began to form at his feet.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:36:21 -0600

First thoughts: This is a great idea. The opening line is very hooky. I'm not sure the tense is particularly consistent - whilst the end is quote conversational, there are a couple of phrases that don't fit with this, like "stratosphere" and "eternal nightmare". Genre: I'm guessing comic fantasy in the vein of Tom Holt. Age range is therefore adult / YA. I'd definitely turn the page. Grade: B+.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:40:32 -0600

I found the juxtaposition of the gang leader's name (Sander) with "saunter" a little odd. It's an interesting effect, but I couldn't tell if you'd intended it. Anyway, I found myself re-reading that first line a couple of times in case I'd skimmed too fast and misread it. Present tense is a hard one to pull off for a sustained work but it seems like you've done well enough with it here. Genre: sounds like a crime thriller. Adults. I'd probably turn the page, but I'd want the second page to hook me a little more. Grade: B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:47:19 -0600

Good opening line, but the second one doesn't make sense to me. Who are "they"? That last comma also splices the sentence so I have no idea really what it means. Also, you move from present ("thirst IS quenched") to past tense ("he WOULD continue") in the last line of the first para. The rest of it needs some re-ordering as well - I don't really like the way the first line of the second para ends on "into". It seems ugly, breaks the flow. Also, is "withdraws" really used as a noun? Genre: unclear, but I'm guessing mainstream fiction. Probably aimed at adults given the subject matter. Turn the page: not sure I would. Sorry. Grade: C, mainly for the phrasing. If you can clean that up a bit - and there's no reason you couldn't reasonably easily - I'd up it to a B. There are some good images here and a nice laconic tone.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:50:08 -0600

Dammit, Word grabbed the whole last para so we have more than 200 words. Up to "half smiled back" is 195 words. ... why can't you edit your own posts?!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Eyes of Fire — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:37:46 -0600

The Lindorian sun hung over a bloody scene. Over the plains, the screams and cries of battle rose up from the crimson ground. Two armies, one glowing brilliant silver, and the other a sinister ebony, struggled to gain the upper hand. Dead soldiers from each side lay everywhere, but the silver army was taking the most casualties. Every Reedian soldier that was still alive knew that Jayden’s dark army had too many numbers . . . too many weapons. Their strength grew too much for the Reedians to hold back. The enemy had already broken through their front lines long before. Born in the city of Reedia, sixteen-year-old Aophan was in the worst of the fighting. With four enemy knights surrounding him, Aophan knew only pure skill and protection from the One King would save his life. Aophan felt adrenaline course through him as he swung his sword madly around and used his shield to block enemy weapons. He was ducking, dodging, fighting . . . looking every split second for a pathway to victory.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WaffleMi1 — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:43:53 -0600

@Onesecondglance: I reworked the two paras and yes I do agree they were awkwardly divided. He would do anything to quench his desire. He would like to see his families in his alcohol, but they were not the bitter sweet nectar of the gods he loved. When it splashed down his throat it rejuvenated him. It empowered him. And until quenched he would continue to drink until the day was gone. Wedged behind the counter in the empty bar he broke into. There was not any way around his addiction he tried controlling it. He couldn’t even make it past a day during the times he tried to quit. The addiction cost him his job, his money, and his life. For now he didn’t want to think anything or what has happened in the outside world. He wanted to fade out of this reality called life. He didn’t want any part of anything anymore. For now all of his attention was on his last drink and he wanted to savor the moment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WaffleMi1 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:21:40 -0600

Accidently posted wrong one the above is an older version^ He would do anything to quench his desire. He would like to see his families in his alcohol, but they were not the bitter sweet nectar of the gods he loved. When it splashed down his throat it rejuvenated him. It empowered him. And until quenched he would continue to drink until the day was gone. Wedged behind the counter in the empty bar he broke into. There was not any way around his addiction he tried controlling it. He couldn’t even make it past a day during the times he tried to quit. The addiction cost him his job, his money, and his life. For now he didn’t want to think anything about what has happened in the outside world. He wanted to fade out of this reality. He didn’t want any part of anything anymore. For now all of his attention was on his last drink and he wanted to savor the moment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

rocknrolljunkie989 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:12:20 -0600

He throws another shovelful of dirt onto the body of the man below him. It's a hurried job; the grave he's dug is small and penetrates not more than three feet below the surface of the earth. Time is of the essence. Breath heaving, he wipes a hand across his face to brush away the mix of sweat, dirt, and tears that have accumulated there. A sob is stuck in his throat, and he gags on the thick, humid air. He closes his eyes. "I'm, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to," he whispers, broken. A painful sob bubbles up and escapes from his lips like a desperate inmate. He looks down at the blood covering the other man's face and feels disgust contort wildly in his gut. He is the one who has caused such a beautiful, innocent face to look like that. He's a monster. His trembling hands grip the shovel once again, and, with a breath to steady himself, he finishes what he's begun. Once the mangled body is hidden from view, he makes sure the dirt is patted firmly over the grave and covered with some remnants of leaves and grass.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 08:55:34 -0600

That makes a lot more sense now, nice job :O)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:18:41 -0600

Thanks, forgot to return the line on the second paragraph. ^_^ I'll be sure to do better next time.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:32:43 -0600

Feels like a summary and a list of events rather than a story... Can you show rather than tell? 'cause I'd like to read the actual story. Genre: Best guess is General, probably Adult. Turn the page: No, not until I see the actual story. Grade: If you put up the actual story, story with actions that show what you told, then probably a B. If you refuse, then probably a C+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:35:19 -0600

I like this alot--you grip with action and good amounts of detail. It kind of has a psychological bent like Edgar Allen Poe. Genre Guess: Horror? Psychological horror. Turn the page: Most definitely, though I'm not a huge fan of horror. Grade: A-, little grammar errors to clean up, though nothing major.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:36:47 -0600

Might have posted this earlier--but it is fixed up. *** My grandmother's front apartment door gave way and I pulled out the keys. They jangled as I put them back into my purse. I closed the door behind me and walked to the kitchen. The rustle of the kitchen bags covered the stillness. "Grandma?" I called. "I got you food." We were supposed to go to the park today to get her exercise. I always liked her strange and often exaggerated stories as we walked. I put my purse down on the counter. She didn't hear me? Maybe she wasn't up yet. I went toward her studio and froze as I smelled something awful. Bile caught in my throat and I thought for a second I couldn't breathe. On her door there was a note that blurred in my vision. I shook my head. I knew as I knocked on my grandmother's office. My throat thickened and I felt emptiness fill me. I should feel something now, but my heart beat its same rhythm. The note came into view again. Scrawled in her handwriting were the words, "I'm sorry, Sabbie." I found my hand putting it into my pocket even as I thought I should leave it for the police.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WaffleMi1 — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:12:53 -0600

Yes I do understand that I tell more than show in the first para. He would do anything to quench his desire. He would like to see his families in his alcohol, but they were not the bitter sweet nectar of the gods he loved. When it splashed down his throat it rejuvenated him. It empowered him. And until quenched he would continue to drink until the day was gone. Wedged behind the counter in the empty bar he broke into. There was not any way around his addiction he tried controlling it. He couldn’t even make it past a day during the times he tried to quit. The addiction cost him his job, his money, and his life. For now he didn’t want to think anything about what has happened in the outside world. He wanted to fade out of this reality. He didn’t want any part of anything anymore. For now all of his attention was on his last drink and he wanted to savor the moment. He gently rocked the squared glass like a mother would do to put her baby to rest. The liquor swirled and splashed against the inner walls of the glass. He felt it too. The vibrations of the liquid hitting left to right and front to back. It felt pleasant to him. This relaxed him even more so before he drank it. Then he heard a voice, but it was muddled. The bar was empty not a soul in sight, but to be sure he looked around a second time. The bar looked the same it had an old rustic theme. He was the only one there. It wasn’t possible everyone was in church today because of the Sabbath. This was the only town that still practiced it, so there was no way anyone would be out this soon from the churches. He shrugged it off as it being some critters scurrying around. He heard it again, but this time the disembodied voice sounded all jumbled up. He wondered if the alcohol was laced with anything. He took the glass, pressed it against his nose and sniffed it to be sure, but his sense of smell felt shot. He played it off as a side effect of the good alcohol. As he went for the last drink the voice rang in his mind. It bounced from his right eardrum to his left. It was much more articulate this time, What of responsibilities? "Nah, screw'em." He replied. What of the reality? "Nah, haute it." What of Family, Friends, and Debts? "Nah thunk ye I rathar much have anotha seep of tis here drink… I’m afrid to stop nowish…" Afraid? Of what? "Afraid whut maight happan if I do sumthang, afrid sumthang maught chinge or twurn for the wause. If ye doun't maind I'd vary mauch so lieke to gat buc to mah drank." He responded and hoped that would be the end of that. No sir. You won't get back to your drink, because I, the subconscious, will control what your next action may or may not be now. “BAWLLCAP!” He yelled. He ignored what the voice had previously said, reached for the glass, but his mind acted funky. He saw it in front of him, but it wasn’t at the same time. The floor stretched away from him taking the glass with it. When he didn’t go for it was there, but right when he was about to snatch it into his clutches it stretched thousands of miles away from his reach. This was a trick there had to be something in all those drinks he had drunk. He calmed himself and cleared his mind, “It’s jaust mah miand truackung mah.” he continued to repeat this to himself. When he had confidence that he could grasp his drink he did so without looking at it. He felt the condensation of the cold glass in the palm of his hand, “Sucsass!” he said to himself proud that he outsmarted his subconscious. This was only met with the cold voice of his subconscious, You thought it would be that easy? He didn’t think his subconscious had anymore tricks in the bag until he tried lifting up the glass. It felt like it weighed a ton his arm could not have been weak. He tried lifting with all his might he huffed with each try. He gritted his teeth while drool ran down the right side of his face. He wouldn’t lose to a figment of his imagination. He used both hands on the glass and heaved in an upward motion. It felt like it gained weight when he used two hands, but the glass faltered. The more he heaved the less it weighed. He smacked his chops the closer it was to his mouth. The thought of it made his mouth water it caused his saliva to thicken and made foam like substances form around his mouth. The edge of the glass finally reached his lips. All of the heaves caused his eyes to bulge with exasperation. The hard work finally paid off he is now one step closer to finish his last drink. He tilted the glass ready to drink it all down. The voice was back again this time it pleaded, Please stop! The urgency in the voice was serious, too. He had his mind made up though not anything the voice will do can deny him. Then it hit him he was still tilting the glass, but the alcohol didn’t reach the insides of his mouth. The liquids moved perfectly fine when the glass was not tilted. It swirled when he shook it, but when he held the glass upside down the liquids froze. It baffled him then he set the glass on the floor in front of him. How was he supposed to drink it now? Problem? Mister _______? That name he knew it. Where he heard it he doesn’t remember. It also didn’t help that it was scrambled in his mind. That didn’t matter to him as much as his last drink. The voice in his head could have at least given him a hint. It also irritated him when it used that sarcastic tone. It told him that to watch him squirm and writhe in agony over one drink. He wouldn’t let it have that satisfaction, to see him like that, no; he was going to show up his subconscious. He thought about the trick behind this drink that defied gravity. He made three mental notes of it: 1. If the glass was tilted the liquid froze. 2. If the glass held upside down same it yielded the same results. 3. The only time the liquid was normal was when the glass wasn’t upside down or tilted. This left him with only one option find a way to drink it right-side up. A straw would be convenient in this type of situation. Sadly this bar didn’t carry any and he didn’t feel like searching for any either. He didn’t even think he could stand up properly right now, in fact, he felt quite woozy. Perhaps it was because he hadn’t drunk in so long. It felt like it has been an eternity to figure out how his mind played tricks on him. Those thoughts subsided when he felt pain from being wedged under the counter. He thought it was the best way too just in case someone walked in on him. They wouldn’t be able to see him immediately, but now the pain in his back worsened. He hadn’t ever felt a pain like this before. If only he could drink this wouldn’t be an issue. He smacked his tongue with a ravenous anticipation. He felt it stick on the roof of his mouth. It felt so dry that it could fracture into a million bits in any minute. He also grew tired of being wedged. He popped his back from being wedged for so long. He fell on his hands and was now on all fours. He hovered over the glass it swirled as if it wanted to swallow him whole. Then a thought occurred to him it was simple. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? Maybe it was the many drinks he had that clouded his mind? No, perhaps this was one of those games his mind has been playing with him? Mister ______, go ahead! Do it! Lap it up like the dog you are! And without hesitation he ferociously lapped away at the drink. The liquor seared his dried out tongue. The sensation of his tongue being burnt induced a pain that made him wince when he lapped. In the end the pain died off when he finished, but it left more to desire. It didn’t help that he was in a heightened form of something. He didn’t know how to describe the sensation; it wasn’t your normal type of drunk, but something greater than that. When he finished the drink all of the warmth he once had zapped away in an instant. Everything was ice cold then his vision blurred he shook his head; it only worsened and now was ready to barf his innards out at any moment now. He then collapsed and curled up into the fetal position on the frigid floor. He slowly dozed off into a profound deep sleep. Thunk Thunk Thunk He awoke to the beats that were near. Did they finally find him? Was it too late to escape? What would he do? The bar patrons must have tried to enter only to find the doors locked. It would only be a matter of time until the door broke. Thunk Thunk Thunk The doors cringed and creaked ready to burst open. He could imagine it now the angry mob of patrons would tie him up in thick ropes, douse him with tar, and feather him up while they paraded the town. It ended with him being tossed over a cliff into an abyss of tortured souls such as his. The souls acted out of desperation to try and escape back to the mainland, only to be washed back in by the unruly blood-filled currents. They would grab and claw at each other as they attempted to escape, gouged out each other eyes, and tore through skin. This made it into one huge blood bathe that fed the ferocious blood currents. This replayed in his mind several times. It was his own personal hell that waited in the wings for him. The doors would go down and this would happen. It would happen because he knew what he was, the type of slime-ball who leeched off society, and when sober he was much aware of this fact.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:22:00 -0600

Just to let you know, he isn't eight the whole book. Something important happens when he's eight, but then there's a transition until he's eleven or twelve, and later on another when he's sixteen. He spends the vast majority of the book as a sixteen-year-old.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TaoistFruitbat — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:45:05 -0600

Critique First three paragraphs boring, has a little hint of tension but not enough. And I don't need (or want) to know every little movement MC makes. IMO, the little stuff like her "pulling out the keys" and putting them in her purse is a VERY big turnoff, seems amateur, and is unnecessary. (However in the 4th and 5th paragraph, the small movements/thoughts work to create tension by making us wait, so keep those right where they are.) If you can condense the first three paragraphs, while still showing how she cares for her grandma, that would be great. But if you completely cut it, you might loose the emotional appeal because we don't know MC's relationship to grandma. Keeping the "'Grandma?' I called. 'I got you food.'" bit may be sufficient for that, and the rest can be developed later. Start with paragraph 2 and jump into paragraph 4 perhaps? At the fourth paragraph tension develops fast, and with some serious oomph. "Something awful" and "bile" fit perfectly. Really works well. Prose is a bit awkward and amateur sounding at times though. Ex: [quote]Bile caught in my throat and I thought for a second I couldn't breathe.[/quote] "thought for a second" = Awkward [quote]Scrawled in her handwriting were the words, "I'm sorry, Sabbie."[/quote] They were obviously words. [quote] I went toward her studio and froze as I smelled something awful. [/quote] The "as I" really takes away from it, makes it gradual, passive sounding. It would work better if the smell hit hard. Things like those give it an amateur sound. The sentences with "as I" I think are the main culprit. Just doesn't sound good to my ear. They feel passive. __________________________ Genre and age group YA? Get the feeling that it might be one of those supernatural actiony ones, but that's only a feeling. The tone just seems similar to them. (Judging on the few that I've read) _________________________ Buy it or turn the page Turn the page, skeptically. The next page will have to be very good to get me to buy. _________________________ Grade C+ : It just isn't strong enough to be publishable. Yet. If you cut out the first bits and fix prose: B+, at least. It has some serious potential. Polish it up and it will gleam. This could very easily be a gripping A+ if you play it right. The idea is already at the A, just not the execution.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:33:10 -0600

I found this was a little melodramatic. It's quite over-the-top, which isn't necessarily a bad thing - Tim Burton and Danny Elfman have had a lot of success with OTT. I'm not sure it works for me here, though. I'd guess too that this is psychological horror, or perhaps a reverse whodunit. I'd probably keep reading, but I'm not a big fan of melodrama so I'd want to see more action and less pondering on how the characters feel. I'd stress, though, that this is just my personal opinion and others may well love this sort of thing. Grade: Not sure I can give a good objective score given my prejudice against the style. FWIW, I'd give it a B+ - the quality of the writing itself is very good, it's just the way it's done that doesn't sit right with me.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:34:15 -0600

Shameless bump...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:36:42 -0600

Uhh... this is more than 200 words... try again?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sarahjojo — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:49:08 -0600

“Your Majesty, may I say something?” asked Mike. Kade closed his eyes and tried not to groan. Don’t do it, dumbass. Though it was too late, he could already feel the air in the room growing colder and colder. “Speak,” the Queen said, although a smarter man would realize it was a dare and a warning at the same time. A smarter man would remain silent. Mike wasn’t in one of his smarter days. “I was thinking that it would be best if we found out who sent them here, my Lady. Before you killed them.” The Queen laughed. It wasn’t a joyful laughter; it was an icy one, a laughter that told each and every man present at the council two things: one, she either knew who sent those mercenaries in her kingdom or she really didn’t care; two, Mike just made a big mistake: that of doubting her judgment. Even worse, he let her know he doubted her. “Are you saying I’m making a mistake, ordering their capture? That I am doing a foolish thing?” “N-no, I was simply – “ “Are you telling me what’s best for my kingdom, vampire?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 03:25:32 -0600

I'm not overly enamoured with the opening line. It's quite passive. I also found the more informal names and phrases ("Mike", "dumbass", "smarter") jarred with the idea that we're in court, but if you're going to make a point of Mike being out of place this is OK. Genre: fantasy with vampires so probably some other light horror elements. YA, I'd guess. I'd keep reading for now, but I'd want something to hook me in the next few hundred words. Grade: B-.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

sarahjojo — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:09:35 -0600

Thank you for your honesty!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Transcendent — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:05:56 -0600

Dan thought back to the day he left Balthazar's apprenticeship. The day he decided that there was only so much he was willing to take. The day he gripped the edges of the shock blanket and sat next to his sister and told Balthazar to stay away from him. He'd been so certain that day. Now, he was starting to wish he'd followed through. "Careful," Balthazar hissed, throwing his arm out to stop them from going forward. The werelight continued a few moments, then stopped and hurried back. "Oh, you useless thing." "What's wrong?" Abigail asked, her whisper sounding terribly loud in the void-like expanse of darkness that spread out before them and behind them. "It's scared of the dark," Balthazar muttered irritably. "Ridiculous-" "No, no. Why are we stopping?" She clarified. "Oh. Funny thing, actually. It seems as though we've taken a wrong turn..."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 10:29:00 -0600

No problem! Good luck with it!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 11:28:46 -0600

Running had become Tomasso’s replacement for sleep, but tonight it was his opium, and, like opium, it did nothing numb him. His breathing was fast and laboured. Tree trunks surrounded him like black pillars in the darkness. Beneath him, undergrowth crackled. He had ended up off-trail. The barely visible terrain was vastly uneven, and, already, he had sprained one of his ankles. But it didn’t matter. Physical pain was transient, endurable. Feeling close to vomiting with exertion, he increased the pace. His blue eyes burnt with sweat and imprisoned tears. Blood ripped through his arteries like bullets, and filled his mouth with a ferrous taste that evoked memories of gore. Inevitably, an image of Lui slipped through his mind: gun in his hand, face spattered with blood. He wondered where he was now, whose life he was ending tonight. One day you’ll find me, but it won’t be here… Not here. A lump formed in his throat, at the thought. His emotions were trying to suffocate him. Since his very first day in the village, he had known it could only be temporary -- with a secret like his, everywhere was bound to be temporary.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 11:49:48 -0600

1. Critique? In general you have good technique, and from your little sample I can tell that you handle dialogue well. Having said that I don't get a sense of urgency (or real irritability if that's what Dan is feeling) from this. *Grammar: "...spread out before them and behind them." --> before and behind them. Maybe? *First paragraph and second sentence should be as one in my opinion . *I think it's a bit repetetiv to beginn two sentences ina row with "The day." *I might just be ignorant or lacking in English (I'm Swedish don't hit me) but I don't know what a werelight is.. or a shock blanket for that matter. *Balthazar makes me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH98GtyfZA4 *Why does Dan have such a common name in comparission to Abigail and Balthazar? 2. Genre and age group? -- YA. Genre... no idea Fantasy perhaps. 3. Buy it or turn the page? -- Neither. Although there are some parts of interest, It doen't evoke that desire inside of me to read on. 4. Grade? (Number System 1-5) -- 3

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Celticsmc12 — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:10:53 -0600

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Celticsmc12 — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:21:34 -0600

It seemed pretty good, I would definently keep reading! The only things are little mistakes: " did nothing numb him"? Did your mean " nothing to/but numb him"? Grade: 95 PIck up,put down, or buy: turn the page. And here's my own: "No!" Brennan walked as quick as she could without technically running. " I told you before, Ange, I'm not going!" " Sweetie!" Angela quickly followed her friend up to the forensics Platform, hurriedly swiping her card. " If you could stop gallopping for like, one second, and let me talk to you." Brennan dodged between two autopsy tables and picked up a skull. " I find it easier to avoid Peer pressure when you can' t catch me!" She told Angela matter-or-factly. " Bren-nan!"Angela drew out the 'n' sufficiently. " I need you! Remember what happened last year? And how can I enjoy myself when I know that my best friend in the whole world is down here, eyeball to eyeball with Skeletor?" Brennan stopped examining it long enough to give Angela a puzzled expression. " Skeletor?" She asked blankly. " It's a cartoon carachter that looks like a Skele-" Angela caught herself. She was fighting a loosing battle on any pop culture reference. " Never mind. But please, Sweetie? Come on we're doing secret Santa!" She pleaded. " No! You know I despise Secret Santa,Ange!" Angela groaned. " Alright, but did you know that if you rearrange Secret Santa you get secret Satan?" She smiled deviously. Brennan look was so cold, so full of stony disapproval that it made her want to laugh. " I' ve already had an eggnog, if you hadn't t noticed." She admitted after Brennan had given her the Death Glare for a full minute straight. " I'd noticed." She said flatly. Fan fiction. Not exactly novel, but it's what I wrote a few years back. For camp nano

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 04:28:15 -0600

[quote=Celticsmc12] It seemed pretty good, I would definently keep reading! The only things are little mistakes: " did nothing numb him"? Did your mean " nothing to/but numb him"? Grade: 95 PIck up,put down, or buy: turn the page. [/quote] Thanks! Yes, I missed a word O_O It should be: "...nothing to numb him." Thanks for pointing it out. I've change it a bit for flow, and may post v2.0 later.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 04:45:06 -0600

"The only things are little mistakes: " did nothing numb him"? Did your mean " nothing to/but numb him"?" Nothing wrong with using numb as a verb - makes the writing more interesting.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 05:38:06 -0600

Sure. If it was a question, but in this case it was a miss from my side. The whole sentence reads: "Running had become Tomasso’s replacement for sleep, but tonight it was his opium, and, like opium, it did nothing to numb him." Would be weird to say "...and, like opium, it did nothing numb him." Celticsmc 12, also needs critique ;)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 05:51:03 -0600

Why don't I do it myself. (Laundry Day)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 06:28:19 -0600

1. Critique? *The opening line isn't super strong, but it hints at things to come; a party?.. yes a christmas party. *For some reason you put space between the first quotation marks and the quote. At least you're consistent, but I think it's strange. *Watch out for incorrect use of capital letters. *When writing a qote that is designated someone with a hint of action or tone of voice do like this: "Here's your quote followed by a comma," said fni putting a lower case 's' on the pronoun 'she'. *more comments see the qouted section below. 2. Genre and age group? -- Well you said it: Fan Fiction. I'm thinking Grey's Anatomy, but I don't recognize the names. Was ages since I saw a episode.. Age group: Adult. 3. Buy it or turn the page? -- Since I'm doing laundry right now, I'd go on reading ;) Hehe. On a less open minded day, I'd probably put it down. It feels a bit too predictable, and plot-less. [quote=Celticsmc12] "No!" Brennan walked as quick as she could without technically running. "I told you before, Ange. I'm not going!" "Sweetie!" Angela quickly followed her friend up to the ~~forensics Platform~~The what? What's a forensics platform?, hurriedly swiping her card as in key card? Isn't Brennan swiping the HER card?. " If you could stop gallopping for like, one second, and let me talk to you." Brennan dodged between two autopsy tables and picked up a skull. Why is a skull laying around at the forensic Platform, between two(or on a) autopsy tables ? "I find it easier to avoid peer pressure (peer preassure isn't a propper noun and hence shouldn't have capital P at the beginning) when you can' t catch me~~!" S~~ ," she told Angela matter-or-factly. "Bren-nan!"Angela drew out the 'n' ~~sufficiently~~ Isn't a regular 'n' sufficiently? Do you mean intentionally?. " I need you! Remember what happened last year? And how can I enjoy myself when I know that my best friend in the whole world is down here, eyeball to eyeball with Skeletor?" I'm so annoying right now, but a skull doesn't have an eyeball... It's just bones Brennan stopped examining ittheskull long enough to give Angela a puzzled expression. "Skeletor?" Sshe asked blankly. "It's a cartoon carachter that looks like a Sskele-" Angela caught herself. She was fighting a ~~loosing~~lost battle on any pop culture reference. I understand what you want to say here, I'm not sure it's entierly correct the way you say it thogh "Never mind. But please, Sweetie? Come on we're doing secret Santa!" Sshe pleaded. "No! You know I despise Secret Santa,Ange!" Angela groaned. "Alright, but did you know that if you rearrange Secret Santa you get secret Satan?" She smiled deviously. Brennan's look was so cold, so full of stony disapproval, that it made her want to laugh. "I' ve already had an eggnog, if you hadn't t noticed~~." S~~," she admitted after Brennan had given her the Death Glare for a full minute straight. "I'd noticed~~." S~~he said flatly. [/quote]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Celticsmc12 — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 08:09:18 -0600

fni: thanks! It's for a show called Bones. And the forensics platform is literaly a platfrm that you need to swipe a key to get onto, and there are several autopsy tables on there. Brennan is a forensic Anthropologist, and Angela is a Forensic Artist. Thank you! It was very helpful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 08:46:06 -0600

Ah, I've heard of the show, but never seen it. then it makes more sence that a skull is lying around. If it was a hospital, wich I thought, it would have been rather strange. Do they really call it the forensics platform? I'd name it forensics lab, or forensics studio. About the skull -- perhaps it's from a case? Could it be mentioned? Glad I could be to any help. :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Celticsmc12 — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 21:04:05 -0600

Well, the patform's in a huge lab. The lab for general Forensics at the Jeffersonion ( knockoff of Smithsonion.) The skell isn't relevant to the case, but would be there anyways because Brennan examones ancint bodies for the museam. Ancient as warriors from the roman empire. Sory. That sounded a bit long winded.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:27:31 -0600

[quote=Kimberly Dawn] The room was a mess with stacks of paper everywhere and office boxes made as if this place was supposed to be a fort. Awkward The overhead light was blocked, so there was another desk lamp on. In the middle of it Lucius sat, typing away at the computer as usual. So Lucius is sitting on the desk lamp typing away. Of course he is not, but "it" in that sentence refers to the desk lamp, not the desk. I was tempted to take that wheely chair and drag him away from the computer. This was more claustrophobic than when I worked in the elevators pushing buttons all day. A person can be claustrophobic, but in this sentence, you have a place being claustrophobic. A place cannot be claustrophobic. The second half of the sentence explains the narrator's feelings, but the situation and feelings do not logically come together. Consider, "I felt more claustrophobic than when..." That is correct usage. I sat down on the edge of the table, somewhat pleased that it tilted his typing just a little. "Juana, get off." I crossed my legs, bent down to him, and asked in my sweetest voice, "What are we going to do to drum up business?" He didn't glance at me. If I put a DVD on his spiky head, it would have stayed put, even in his slouched position. What a wordy way to say that his hair was spiked. "Someone will come," he said, "I know it." I resigned and flashed a hand in front of his face. "That is my department. You do the touchy feely stuff, remember?" This earned me a glare, the first glance I'd seen in two days. "The power is called psychometry." Conversation that is just blah. It could have just as easily been cut and not really missed. [/quote] After reading several of your critiques, I though that this was going to be something nearly flawless, but you have succumbed to several of the same flaws that you have critiqued others over. The conversation and the awkward descriptors really stand out at me. As for the conversations, it is rather drab and makes me really not care. I remember you saying there has to be a point in the converstaion, and I find this conversation to be rather pointless. Throwing a line at the end about psychometry does not redeem the rest of the conversation. Perhaps this is a first draft, and with further editing, it will make more sense. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Transcendent — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 07:17:54 -0600

As she backed away from the statue, she bumped into something. Jerking away with a gasp, she watched a large, elaborately painted vase with a lid wobble dangerously, her brain scrambling to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Just as it began to tip, a hand reached out and steadied it. Elsa started; she hadn't heard anyone approach and the idea of someone walking through the mess silently was laughable. Yet there someone was, a tall man in clothes as dusty as the store that surrounded them, with dark eyes and long, wild hair. He frowned down at her like one of the disaproving statues in the town center. "Do you know what this is, young lady?" He asked quietly. "The history behind it?" She shook her head dumbly, still too stunned by his appearance to be able to speak. "When the Old Republic was dismantled, Emperor Flavius hid in his manor. Eventually, the mob that destroyed the old Senate broke through his gate and stormed his home. They locked him in here and left him to die." Elsa felt goosebumps rise on her arms as she eyed the vase with awe and disgust. "They say if you open it and listen carefully..." He leaned over the vase, eyes intently on hers. "You can still hear the screaming." /thank you for the nightmares, sir.../ Abruptly, so much so that Elsa jumped, the man pointed to the wall. Elsa followed the arm and saw a small sign. DO NOT TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rukia23 — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 20:33:11 -0600

I look at my host in the bathroom mirror. She’s hardly an extraordinary-looking girl but I guess that isn’t so bad in my case since the last thing I want to do is deal with men who might be interested in her. I notice the outline of a bra through the shirt I’m wearing. Brilliant. I can almost hear the fucking laughter of Saburo and those Rushers and any other damn person who was involved with this; they’d told me I’d be punished by being with a host—I had assumed the host with be of the same gender! Calmness kid, I think to myself. There’s no need to go apeshit insane, not so quickly anyway, because two can play at this game. I may have my own voice but the body isn’t my own and I have no hesitation whatsoever about using this stranger’s tight little ass to get back to normal; I’ll pass myself off as a damn mute if that’s what it takes. There are several light bulbs around the mirror, a few of which aren’t even lit. I unscrew one, break it against the counter top and take a shard of glass with me. Rafe is waiting downstairs and he rolls up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “Don’t tell me you got your period in there?” Momo already assured me the host is undead so I won’t have to deal with that; small mercy. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I move quickly, like I’ve always done. I press the bastard Rusher’s face to mine and kiss him, even go to the trouble of slipping him some tongue. Then I stab his neck with the broken bit of light bulb.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:34:46 -0600

My first 213-words as of now: Running had become Tomasso’s replacement for sleep, but tonight it was his opium, and, like opium, it did nothing to numb him. His breathing was fast and laboured. Tree trunks surrounded him like black pillars in near-total darkness. Somewhere in tree tops, a nocturnal bird sounded a warning cry, reminding him that he didn’t belong. But if not here, then where? Suddenly, the terrain dropped. For the time of a heartbeat, there was a nothing where he expected there to be ground. Then, jolts of pain shot through his right ankle, but he kept running. Feeling close to vomiting with exertion, he increased the pace. His blue eyes burnt with sweat. Blood ripped through his arteries like bullets, and filled his mouth with a ferrous taste that evoked memories of gore. Inevitably an image of Lui appeared in his mind -- gun in his hand, face spattered with blood. One day you’ll find me again, but it won’t be here . . . A lump formed, and swelled in his throat at the thought of leaving Mondrone. Since his very first day in the village, he had known it could only be temporary -- with a secret like his everywhere was bound to be temporary -- but knowing didn’t make parting any easier.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:54:39 -0600

1. Critique? All in all I like it. I'm not sure this is your first 200 words or if it's an excerpt from somewhere else in your story (I think so). Some wordiness, and long sentences that perhaps could be broken down for simplicity. I'm not sure about the grammar, so I'll leave that un-commented. 2. Genre and age group? Paranormal set in the future. YA. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd trurn the page. [quote=Transcendent] As she backed away from the statue, she bumped into something. Jerking away with a gasp, she watched a large, elaborately painted vase with a lid wobble ~~dangerously, h~~Her brain scrambling to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I don't care for the capital letters Just as it began to tip, a hand reached out and steadied it. Elsa started; she hadn't heard anyone approach and the idea of someone walking through the mess silently was laughable. Yet there someone was, a tall man in clothes as dusty as the store that surrounded them, with dark eyes and long, wild hair. He frowned down at her like one of the disaproving statues in the town center. "Do you know what this is, young lady?" Hhe asked quietly. "The history behind it?" She shook her head dumbly, still too stunned by his appearance to be able to speak. "When the Old Republic was dismantled, Emperor Flavius hid in his manor. Eventually, the mob that destroyed the old Senate broke through his gate and stormed his home. They locked him in here and left him to die." Elsa felt goosebumps rise on her arms as she eyed the vase with awe and disgust. "They say if you open it and listen carefully..." He leaned over the vase, eyes intently on hers. "You can still hear the screaming." /thank you for the nightmares, sir.../ Abruptly, ~~so much so that Elsa jumped~~, the man pointed to the wall. Elsa followed the arm and saw a small sign. DO NOT TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE. [/quote]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:30:11 -0600

1. Critique? You have a love afair with semicolon; I'm sure you'll find this page funny: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon Not sure if this is the 200 first words. If it is it's a bit hard to follow. If it isn't, and the reader knows and is rooting for the characters mentioned, I'm sure the kissing scene is hillarious. 2. Genre and age group? YA. Fanfiction. Though I've never read the host by Stephenie Meyer that was what I thought about when you mentioned a host. Or YA Paranormal. 3. Buy it or turn the page? Not my cup of tea since I couldn't relate with "I"'s swearing and anger. Sometimes your narrative is pretty entertaining though. If there were less semicolons I'd keep reading a bit more just to "hear" your narrative voice. [quote=Rukia23] I look at my host in the bathroom mirror. She’s hardly an extraordinary-looking girl but I guess that isn’t so bad in my case since the last thing I want to do is deal with men who might be interested in her. I notice the outline of a bra through the shirt I’m wearing.hmm.. Since "I" is observing the host.. maybe "she's wearing" Brilliant. I can almost hear the fucking laughter of Saburo and those Rushers and any other damn person who was involved with this; they’d told me I’d be punished by being with a host—I had assumed the host ~~with~~ would be of the same gender! Calmness kid, I think to myself. There’s no need to go apeshit insane, not so quickly anyway, because two can play at this game. I may have my own voice but the body isn’t my own and I have no hesitation whatsoever about using this stranger’s tight little ass to get back to normal; I’ll pass myself off as a damn mute if that’s what it takes. There are several light bulbs around the mirror, a few of which aren’t even lit. I unscrew one, break it against the counter top and take a shard of glass with me. Rafe is waiting downstairs and he rolls up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “Don’t tell me you got your period in there?” Momo already assured me the host is undead so I won’t have to deal with that; small mercy. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I move quickly, like I’ve always done. I press the bastard Rusher’s face to mine and kiss him, even go to the trouble of slipping him some tongue. Then I stab his neck with the broken bit of light bulb. [/quote]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Iasila — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:54:24 -0600

I would revise the last sentence like so: Then I stab him in the neck with a broken light bulb.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DeaMaxwell — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 19:15:21 -0600

One day, everything goes wrong. Mina gets in later than usual, and when she reaches the hallway leading to Harley's office, she turns and immediately heads somewhere else at the sound of Holst's Mars, Bringer Of War and the sight of closed blinds. Harley very rarely plays anything classical, she's learnt, and it always means something when she does, so Mina resolves to come back later, when she's playing something less angry. She spares a sympathetic smile for Pip, Harley's administrative assistant, as she leaves, and he gives her a shrug that says, 'what can you do?' It doesn't really sink in just how bad things are until she's coming back from her lunch break, though, and she stops in the stairwell at the strains of Chopin's Funeral March, and thinks, Oh, hell. She picks up her pace a little, only to falter, trip over her own feet when the piece ends and then ticks over and begins again, because for as long as she's been working with Harley, she's never even so much as heard the same song twice in a day, let alone consecutively.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 00:46:31 -0600

250 words or so. My story is littered with drug use, sex, and cursing so...sorry about that ._.; This is from the rewrite of my NaNo novel, and it's unedited so sorry about mistakes. The car reeked of skunk. It was a comfort to the three Holland brothers sitting in the car passing around the joint. They each took their hits in turn until it had burned down too close on the roach to smoke anymore. Daryl licked his hand and was getting ready to stub the tip out on his hand when Jake, the oldest of the three in the car by twelve years, took it from Daryl and scowled at him. “That's what ash trays are for, fucknut,” Jake said, stubbing the joint out in the ashtray located in the middle of the counsel. “I don't see the problem,” Daryl said. His brown eyes were hard and cold upon his fairer, older brother. “You do it all the damn time. Can't I be self destructive sometimes too?” Before Jake could say anything to Daryl, Dominic's dyed snow white head popped out from behind the back passenger seat. His tan hand moved in front of Daryl towards the glove box. It opened with a click, and Dominic grabbed a bag of skins out of it. He tried to retract his arm quickly, but Jake was quicker. Dominic let out a cry of surprise at Jake's large hand wrapped around his scrawny wrist. “Drop it,” Jake said, his own blue eyes narrowed at Daryl's twin. “Or I swear to fuck, Nic, I will castrate you.” Dominic obediently dropped the bag into Daryl's lap, then slunk back into his seat. “Jerkass . . .”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 03:16:41 -0600

Three semicolons is hardly a love affair. It's one more than I'd have used (I'd have used a full stop in place of the last one) but it's not that excessive.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 10:45:39 -0600

Note: The ability to follow instructions is one thing an agent/editor looks for.... *cough* So really, don't post more than 200 words. I know you want to, but it's the same thing as an agent saying "Please send me the first 7 pages" but you send them the manuscript, or 10 because you feel like it. Since the majority of the editing process is following instructions... it really does count to follow them. First 200 words is your first page. Your first page is not going to magically have more space because you want it to. The test is to see if people will get to your SECOND page or buy it. If you would like to test more, you have other threads for that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DeaMaxwell — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:41:58 -0600

I... don't know who this is in response to? But if it's me; I didn't have access to a wordcounter at the time of posting, so I made a rough estimate. So, sorry.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:42:18 -0600

As we say in Sweden: the taste is like the ass, devided in two. To me, three semicolons in less than 300 words seems like a love afair. Of course I could be wrong and there's not a single semicolon in the remaining 47.000-or-so words of the novel. Or if this is a trend, there's somewhere around 470 more of them. fni

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:54:51 -0600

I'd edit it, but NaNo won't let me e.< Sorry.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 13:03:02 -0600

I think it was to everyone who's done it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rockstar1993 — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 13:19:54 -0600

My first 212 words: I don’t understand parties. For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated crowds. Being so close to such a large amount of people for any considerable length of time, feeling claustrophobic, breathing in the air that was thick and heavy with other people’s sweat, cigarette smoke, alcohol or whatever else…It just never appealed to me. Okay, there were times when I told myself I wanted to belong to that crowd- like the crowd I was looking at right now. I had myself convinced I’d get there and I’d smile at the pretty girls and dance with whoever wanted to dance with me, and I’d drink myself into oblivion and blend everything I couldn’t relate to about parties into a cocktail of adrenaline and nervous energy that would turn it all into a great night and make the hangover somehow seem worth it the next morning. But I never did that. Here I was, staring at a crowd in The Big House that were doing everything I just described and making it all seem so easy and enjoyable. But I was frozen, leaning against the wall by the living room door and genuinely feeling stuck there, like I was glued to it. I swallowed hard and tasted soap. I made a face.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 13:20:32 -0600

I apologize for breaking the rule. It was either abruptly cutting my scentence or leave the excerpt at -21 / +13 words. It seemed more fair to leave it at +13, and give more feedback to others in return.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 21:36:47 -0600

1. Critique This is a really strong opening. It draws me in with a good hook, then keeps me going by developing it. Great job. There are very few problems with this that I'd need to critique. One thing I noticed is that your verb tense isn't consistant. Your first sentence is in present tense: "I don't understand parties." The rest of that paragraph is talking about the past, so changing to past tense is fine. However, in your third paragraph, you clearly change to past tense as your overall tense: "But I was frozen." This might seem a little nitpicky, but consistent verb tense is a mark of good writing. Since it seems as though the mojority of the book is in past tense, I'd suggest changing the present tense to past: "I didn't understand parties." Otherwise, I don't see any noticeable errors. 2. Genre and age group? Seems to be realistic fiction, but I suppose it might be anything. Definitely seems to be for adults. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I'd definitely turn the page, but since I'm still young, I probably wouldn't buy it, what with all the alcohol and such. Seems to be an adult book. 4. Grade? (Letter System) A-. Great job.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 21:39:06 -0600

First 191 words of my random attempt at novel-y-ness. This is the prologue and my entire first page, as well: Darkness. A man in a burgundy sweater walks down the sidewalk of an urban street, past a dark alleyway. Trembling fingers hold up a shotgun and pull the trigger. The side of the man’s head explodes. Bystanders rush toward him as he crumples to the ground. The gun slams back into the a blonde boy’s chest, knocking the wind out of him. He tries to bring the gun up to his head, but his arm won’t respond. Shouts come from nearby. He frantically switches the gun to his left hand. A man with a dark mustache and beard runs at the boy and grabs his wrist, taking the gun. He pulls his arm back and restrains him. Tears streaming down his cheeks, the boy shouts curse words at the sky as the man pulls him away. Someone calls 911. They ask for the police, not an ambulance, because it’s clear that the man is already dead. The boy struggles, screaming and twisting his own arms in a frantic attempt to get away. The man restraining him strikes him in the rear of the head, and the boy’s body goes limp. Darkness.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Azombieatemyshoelace — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 22:27:04 -0600

1. Critique? Overall I do think this is pretty good. You're good at conveying the emotion that your character is feeling. I like the sentence "His emotions were trying to suffocate him". I also think that for the most part, it flows pretty well. However some of the phrases that you use I've seen a few times before so you might want to consider changing them. For example "A lump formed in his throat." I also think that you might be able to find a way to say the main character has blue eyes that flows better. 2. Genre and age group? -- I'm not sure 3. Buy it or turn the page? -- I would probably read a bit more and see what I think.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Azombieatemyshoelace — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 22:28:21 -0600

And now I've noticed that I think I reviewed a previous excerpt of yours. Sorry. I accidentally closed the post before and got confused. Some things still apply though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Rockstar1993 — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 04:46:27 -0600

Thank you very much for the critique. I really appreciate it. :) I've taken your advice for the first line and changed it to past tense to match the rest. Thanks again. :D

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 17:37:54 -0600

Charlie knew that he couldn’t actually make Shane Ramsey burst into unholy flames just by glaring at him…but it couldn’t hurt to try. Just in case. “What does she see in him?” Paige threw a pencil at his temple. “Ow!” Charlie rubbed his head. “You could have impaled my brain with that, you know?” Paige rolled her eyes. “Maybe a lobotomy is just what you need.” She looked across the cafeteria to where Hayley Thomas was unsubtly jiggling her breasts in an attempt to get Shane’s undivided attention. “She might have better luck if she opened a vein,” “What are you talking about?” “Oh come on! You can’t be that oblivious!" Paige gestured to Hayley. "She surrounded herself with Shane and his undead posse. And have you noticed her new color scheme?” Charlie frowned. “She does look a little…red” "It's called Candy Apple Red." Charlie turned to face Paige. "What?" "Candy. Apple. Red." Paige rolled her eyes. "Oookay...?" "Her look. The lips. The clothes. The…ugh, shoes." Paige wrinkled her nose. "She thinks that if she looks tasty enough, guys--Shane in particular--will want to eat her up. Metaphorically speaking." "More like vampires,” Charlie grumbled. “Literally speaking." "Yeah, I suggested Blood Red, but apparently I was the one being ridiculous."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 01:03:25 -0600

There is a woman who wakes up one morning only to realize it is much too early in the morning to be awake so she tries going back to sleep but sleep isn’t going to come easy she learns after lying in bed for twenty minutes to no avail so she does all she can to coax unconsciousness into repossessing her which includes switching the television on to a program guide channel and bringing the volume down to a low murmur as well drinking a glass of warm milk which actually really honestly works for her clichéd as it may seem plus plugging in the air conditioner for its hypnotic humming etc. She does all this and still struggles to fall asleep. She figures it’s because she’s trying too hard to fall asleep, thinking too consciously about it, putting too much energy into an act diametrically opposed to having energy put into it etc.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

alex.hebert — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 10:40:52 -0600

“He was caught digging an opening to the surface in the food chamber early this morning, putting our whole colony at great risk. However, thanks to Latis we have all been saved.” With this the clicking stopped briefly as every guard in the room eyed Latis, as he held the still struggling digger beetle. “You may silence him.” stated the Head Drone with proud excitement. However, Latis hesitated before his mandibles tightened, and the small beetle cried, “Safe! It is Safe!”. Knowing his mistake Latis quickly tightened his grip on the beetle and detached the beetle’s head from his no longer struggling abdomen. The silent thoughts that had occupied the room were soon interrupted as the pool of blood that spilled from the diggers abdomen fell at Latis’s feet. Soon the guards were in an excited frenzy, snapping their mandibles and clicking their jaws in such fast movements that Mantid was fearful he would lose a limb. However, unlike the others, the sight of blood did not excite him and he tried carefully to stay away from the frightening frenzy.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 11:49:31 -0600

Grace brushed the flour from her nose after she put the pastries in the display. Outwardly, she smiled at the couples sitting at their tables whispering to each other and laughing at the clever little jokes they told while eating the tarts and other pastries that she had made that morning before the sun rose. Inside, she wished that she was one of them. She wished that she was on the receiving end of one of those clever little jokes, or the recipient of a warm smile, even if it turned out to be a fleeting and transitory expression. She wished that she could be one of them that ate her patstries in the company of an other. Her smile did not go past her lips. She knew that people were more apt to buy a treat if it came from a bubbly person, despite the lack of bubbles in her heart. How many of them will go home and be as happy as they are here? she would think to herself with her fake smile plastered to her face. Secretly she hoped that each one of them would feel as alone as she did at that moment looking at them all in their apparent happiness. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 12:02:18 -0600

This is more a synopsis than it is anything else. You spend two hundred plus words, three sentences into what could have been summed up in a few. The first sentence is not good. I think the only way that you can do what you seem to be intending to do is if it is a stream of consciousness, and here, it is not. It is a series of actions. The fact that you end the sentence with etc sets me off as well. There is nothing much in the second sentence. The third sentence: again you end with etc. I do not like it, but that may just be me. Grade: D Turn the page: No --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 12:06:02 -0600

I like this, and it is a guilty pleasure, liking it for me. Normally, I am not for this kind of subject matter. The hint of vampires would normally have set me off and stopped me from reading in a second, but there is someting about this that make me want to keep reading it, and makes me want to read more of it. I like the dialogue. It is witty and I know a lot about Paige from just dialogue alone. Well done there. Grade: B+ Genre: YA Paranormal/Vamipre/Undead something Turn the page: Yes --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 23:44:15 -0600

Thank you so much for your critique! Since I'm going through the soul sucking process of revising my first draft, it's encouraging to know that there's something worth salvaging.. :-) It's funny, I tend to stop reading when I see vampire as well. It's been so over done in recent years. When I got the idea for this book, I actually tried to ignore it, thinking there was no way I was writing a vampire novel. Then the idea took over my brain lol.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 00:02:14 -0600

I'm definitely interested in Grace. I think that her internal loneliness and her forced smiles is something I can relate to. I also liked that she was hoping they would feel as lonely as her. I think that it's an imperfect and very human thought to have, and it helps her feel real to me. I'm not sure where the story is going based off this, but that can be a good thing. It makes me want to read further and see if Grace's loneliness gets better or worse. I think it could be a bit stronger if you wrote this with more detail. Maybe showing her interacting with those happy couples to contrast their happiness with her loneliness? Then again, I'm biased towards action and dialogue. Other people favor internal monologues, so this might speak to them more. Grade: B- Turn the page: I'd give it a shot, but I think there would have to be interaction with other characters soon or I might put it down Genre: Not sure

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 00:20:49 -0600

Let me start off by saying that I'm not your target audience. I'm borderline phobic about insects, so I couldn't see myself turning the page based on that fact alone. Having said that, I think that this could benefit from a little formatting. This should be split up into smaller paragraphs. To start with, whenever you have a new speaker, you should start a new paragraph. I think that would make this a little easier to read. I did find it interesting that Latis hesitated while others in the room were so excited. I'd be interested to know more about that character. I was a bit confused about who Mantid was, but then that may just because this is a small excerpt of a larger work. Grade: C- Turn the page: No

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 03:44:39 -0600

I got skipped on the last page so I'm reposting. I also rewrote it so it's different from my one on the last page, but it's still the first draft. This is two hundred words exactly. Or so Open Office tells me. ------ The car reeked of skunk, and the three brothers in the car loved it. They passed the joint between themselves, taking their hits and trying to make smoke rings in vain. When they had smoked it down to the roach, Daryl licked his hand and was about to stub the doobie out on it when Jake snatched that away from him and put it out in the ashtray. “Retard,” Jake said, rolling his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Just because I do that doesn't mean you need to, Dar.” Shrugging, Daryl just ate some cookies he had in plastic baggie. “These are fucking amazing. Oh my God.” “I want some.” Dominic's head poked out from behind the seat and he reached for the cookies, only to have his twin snatch the bag out of his reach. “Can I have a cookie?” Jake asked Daryl. Daryl nodded and handed Jake one, and Jake handed it to Dominic who smiled widely. “Thanks, Jake,” Dominic said, taking a large bite. “These are good.” Daryl scoffed, and now he was keeping the cookies out of reach for both of his brothers. “Dicks.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 09:39:58 -0600

There isn't enough here to capture my interest. We've got 3 brothers smoking pot in a car. Them having the munchies is cliche. Is the car actually moving? If so, who's driving? Where are they and where are they going? Give us some details, some descriptions. What do they look like? What else is going on around them? What kind of cookies are they? What kind of car is it? Who is the POV character? It would probably help to pick one of the brothers as the POV and filter everything through him. Either way, it needs something to pique the reader's interest, to make the reader turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:44:22 -0600

It's a cliche but that's what happens o.o Thank you for the critque, though. I'm so excited I got one XD Sadly, things pick up three hundred words in. I'll try to fix, though.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Collen — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 14:11:48 -0600

Alright, my turn: ---------- THE WATER nearly filled the sandy floor already even though the game had just begun. A wall of energy surrounded the game floor, preventing the soldiers from just walking around the room until they found the area where the sphere was and then jumping back in - something Plenus would probably do if he got the chance. Everybody was pulled to a different place when the game started, but nobody was around the center of the room, where the blue sphere probably was. Waves formed over the surface of the water, big and unnatural. App noticed that they were in patterns, like a < or a ~. Another feature on the water were the pillars of water that seemed to appear at random, launching anyone they touched out of the way. On top of that, in the center of the room was a maze of water pillars, which effectively formed a barrier around the sphere, pushing anyone who touched it out of the way – something Jare Gaufly learned the hard way when he attempted to go straight for the sphere and was flung all the way across the room.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 18:51:45 -0600

its art dgfaf

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 18:53:30 -0600

So now I’m standing on a street corner, a minor intersection, white cane in hand, frozen in fear of something I can’t name—not just speeding cars. Paralyzed for the first time in my life. I strain to listen and feel for the passing traffic but it seems like it’s coming from all sides. My mobility instructor—a guy my age with a face that’s prickly against my fingertips—stands behind me patiently as the light goes from green to yellow to red and then back to green over and over again. Walk. Don’t Walk. Walk. Don’t Walk. Over and over again, I know it, but I can’t tell when. Sure, I can sense the occasional shoulder brush lightly past me but he says that following them would be tantamount to cheating. I agree. So I stand here on the edge of the curb in darkness, grinding my teeth. He’s leaning in my ear and saying, “What about now? What about now?”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 18:54:30 -0600

damn collen you on some bullshit

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 18:56:59 -0600

yeah if dylan had mentioned that it was a chevy being driven by a stout black guy named charles the excerpt would have been way more interesting

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Collen — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 20:07:27 -0600

I don't understand - what do you even mean? Is it good, or bad? "you on some bullshit" isn't adequate CC - I think you need to say something of more substance and not just whip out a simple sentence that can be taken either way that you probably wrote in 10 seconds.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 20:07:49 -0600

Hemingway is art. Joyce is art. Dostoevsky is art. I stand by my earlier criticism. You saying it is art does not change the fact that it really isn't. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:04:18 -0600

Although I agree with banespawn that there's not enough here to capture my attention, I don't think that more description is what it needs. In fact, I find that when a book overloads me with description on the first page, I am less likely to be interested. I like the natural flow to this. The dialogue sounds real. The scene feels real, although it would be good to know if the car is moving or parked. The problem I see is that there's no conflict and no sense of what this story is about. I want a better sense of who these characters are--not just what they look like but WHO they are. It's a tough thing to do in one page. You mention that it picks up 300 words in-- would it be possible to start the story there? Grade: C+ Turn the page: with just this to go on, probably not, though if I knew he premise and was interested in that, I'd probably give it a shot

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:46:27 -0600

Collen, it's a troll. Best not to feed it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:51:32 -0600

The car is very much parked XD I will be sure to include it's stationary(sp?) next time around. I'll see if I can start the story where you suggested (and if I do, I'll post it here again for another critque), but the fact that Jake, Dom, and Daryl are stoners is important to the story and their characters. Thank you so much for the critque <3

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 08:05:25 -0600

I agree that overloading with descriptions can be bad, but having no descriptions can be equally bad :) It's the little details that make a story come alive. I don't need a complete bio of the 3 brothers, but if it was mentioned that they were all bald, then that would be something that might pique my interest. Are they all cancer victims? Are they skin-heads? Or do they just shave their heads because it's the "in" style? Telling what type of car it is, or what type of cookies they are, are small details, but they add a lot of flavor to the story. They help to immerse the reader in the story. It's important to be specific. Check out your favorite books. Forests aren't full of trees. They are full of maples, poplars and oaks. There are no animals on the farm. There are chickens, pigs and cows. By the same token, there are no cookies in the car. There are chocolate chips cookies, oatmeal cookies or thin mints. It's the little details that make the story "real".

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 08:32:13 -0600

Collen, You've got a lot of unnecessary adverbs here, and many of them serve to weaken the narrative. THE WATER nearly filled the sandy floor already even though the game had just begun. "nearly" is fine here, but "already" is not needed. And maybe "covered" would work better than "filled". This opening line doesn't work for me because I have no idea why the water filling the floor is significant. A wall of energy surrounded the game floor, preventing the soldiers from just walking around the room until they found the area where the sphere was and then jumping back in - something Plenus would probably do if he got the chance. "just" is unnecessary. Who is the POV here? Who is surmising that Plenus would "probably" do it? Everybody was pulled to a different place when the game started, but nobody was around the center of the room, where the blue sphere probably was. Again, who thinks that the sphere is "probably" in the center of the room? Waves formed over the surface of the water, big and unnatural. App noticed that they were in patterns, like a < or a ~. Another feature on the water were the pillars of water that seemed to appear at random, launching anyone they touched out of the way. On top of that, in the center of the room was a maze of water pillars, which effectively formed a barrier around the sphere, pushing anyone who touched it out of the way – something Jare Gaufly learned the hard way when he attempted to go straight for the sphere and was flung all the way across the room. "effectively" is unnecessary and weakens the sentence. Is App the POV character? Whoever the POV character is, show us all this through that character's perspective. And show us some action. Instead of: something Jare Gaufly learned... You could write: Jare Gaufly reached a timid hand toward the water pillar and was flung back a dozen feet, landing with a splash. Make the narrative more active. Show it through the POV character, whoever that is. And be as specific as possible. Whenever possible, avoid using words like probably, almost, nearly, just, already, somewhat, etc. If you aren't specific, the reader will think you don't know and won't trust you.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 08:44:43 -0600

This is good. Very good. I especially like this description: a guy my age with a face that’s prickly against my fingertips You could have written "a guy my age with a beard", but that wouldn't have been appropriate given the perspective. Right away, I feel for the guy as he struggles to cope with his new-found blindness.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:39:06 -0600

Thanks for the advice, again. :) This is a first draft but I shall keep that in mind when I'm rewriting.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Collen — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 15:16:36 -0600

There is no POV. It's omniscient third person, meaning that it's through nobody's point of view. The story is sort of told as if the author of the book was talking to you, but never saying things like 'I' or 'my' and such.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 04:09:21 -0600

I decided to rewrite the opening scene (even though I said I wouldn't until I finished the book. I couldn't help myself D:) I like this version better and I hope I did what I was advised to do. :) Again, sorry for typos, etc. --------- The car parked in the Hollands' driveway reeked of skunk and mint chocolate chip cookies. The three brothers had been passing around a joint, all the while Daryl hoarded the cookies their mother made – in one of the rare moments she wasn't passed out drunk on the floor – to himself. Their eyes were on the moving truck next door, and the family of five perky, upbeat seeming blond people hauling boxes into their new house. “It's that British family,” Jake said, eyes roaming the body of the oldest girl there. "The ones that eat babies, apparently." “They're so . . .” Daryl started, but quickly trailed off and instead went to snuff out the joint. “Perfect?” Dominic finished for him. “Yeah,” Daryl said, staring at the teenage son. “They're just so fucking . . . blond and perfect looking.” Jake ran a hand through his dirty blond hair, dark blue eyes narrowed. “What's wrong with being blond?” Daryl gave a weak shrug and popped a cookie into his mouth. “Nothing,” he said, eyes on Dominic. His dark brown hair and eyes and tan skin all matched Daryl exactly. “They look like they're from California. I guess I'm jealous. I'unno.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

onesecondglance — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 06:46:16 -0600

Question: if the Brits are just moving in, how do the stoners know who they are? And, more to the point, how has the perception of them being "baby eaters" arisen?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WritingLucky — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 07:13:47 -0600

Oooh...I like this a lot. The thing with the Brits moving in next door definitely captured my attention. I think the descriptions were nicely mixed in--not too much, not too little. And I think you got across the point that they're stoners without spending the whole first page on that which is good. Much better. I'd turn the page. :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:16:32 -0600

This is answered later in the chapter, but they live in a town of about 3000 people, so gossip flies around and one of the rumors was that they eat babies :P

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:17:39 -0600

Thank you :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 21:26:37 -0600

After posting my exerpt (and, naturally, critique-ing someone else's) almost a week ago, I still have yet to see a single critique, though people who posted theirs after me have had their reviewed already, some more than once. I assume that this is because my post was at the very bottom of the page, so I am remedy-ing that by reposting it. I'm not trying to spam or anything, I'd just like to be critiqued. First 190 words of my random attempt at novel-y-ness. This is the prologue and my entire first page, as well: Darkness. A man in a burgundy sweater walks down the sidewalk of an urban street, past a dark alleyway. Trembling fingers hold up a shotgun and pull the trigger. The side of the man’s head explodes. Bystanders rush toward him as he crumples to the ground. The gun slams back into the blonde boy’s chest, knocking the wind out of him. He tries to bring the gun up to his head, but his arm won’t respond. Shouts come from nearby. He frantically switches the gun to his left hand. A man with a dark mustache and beard runs at the boy and grabs his wrist, taking the gun. He pulls his arm back and restrains him. Tears streaming down his cheeks, the boy shouts curse words at the sky as the man pulls him away. Someone calls 911. They ask for the police, not an ambulance, because it’s clear that the man is already dead. The boy struggles, screaming and twisting his own arms in a frantic attempt to get away. The man restraining him strikes him in the rear of the head, and the boy’s body goes limp. Darkness.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 02:23:08 -0600

[quote=Sparksbet] After posting my exerpt (and, naturally, critique-ing someone else's) almost a week ago, I still have yet to see a single critique, though people who posted theirs after me have had their reviewed already, some more than once. I assume that this is because my post was at the very bottom of the page, so I am remedy-ing that by reposting it. I'm not trying to spam or anything, I'd just like to be critiqued. [/quote] Yeah, I find this thread sort of out of control at the moment. . . sadly [quote=Sparksbet] Darkness. A man in a burgundy sweater walks down the sidewalk of an urban street, past a ~~dark~~ alleyway. consider another adjective, since you already mentioned that there's darkness. Perhaps narrow or nothing at all ~~Trembling fingers hold up a shotgun and pull the trigger.~~ weird for fingers to hold a gun, usually a whole hand does. Could you rewrite it? Also I have no idea if this is the burgundy sweater man or someone else, so I can't picture the scene in my head The side of the man’s head explodes.same thing here. Who? Bystanders rush toward him as he ~~crumples~~ I'd consider changing the verb to the ground. The gun slams back into the blonde boy’s chest, knocking the wind out of him. He tries to bring ~~the gun~~ it up to his head, but his arm won’t respond. Shouts come from nearby. He f Frantically, he switches the gun to his left hand. A man with a dark ~~mustache and beard~~ Goatee? Facial hair? runs at the boy and grabs his wrist, taking the gun. He pulls his arm back and restrains him. Tears streaming down his cheeks, the boy shouts ~~curse words at the sky~~ and curses as the man pulls him away. Someone calls 911. They ask for the police, not an ambulance, because it’s clear that the man is already dead. The boy struggles, screaming and twisting his own arms in a frantic attempt to get ~~away. T~~ free, but the man restraining him strikes him in the rear of the head, and the boy’s body goes limp. Darkness. [/quote] Critique As I've touched on in my quick suggestions above, there's a bit of problem with the way you chose to "paint" the scene for your reader. I don't know right away who's holding the gun, and who's head is blown off, which means I see your words instead of a vivid immage in my head. You're also telling your story from a ominiscent perspective, wich kind of is a problem because I don't know who the protagonist is, so I don't have anyone to hate or like. My best guess is it's the blond boy, but there seems to be parts of the story that are not told from his perspective . . but rather from your, as if you were sitting at the roof of one of the buildings in the alleyway looking down. All that being said, it's a strong scene to start with if you can edit the prose to match it. Buy/turn the page? Not as it's written today. If the writing was tauter, I'd probably want to know why that boy shot the man, but right now I don't really care to find out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 03:17:36 -0600

Thank you =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 03:19:24 -0600

OK, trying one last time here. My 200 first words (and not a single letter more ;) ) Running had become Tomasso’s replacement for sleep, but tonight it was his opium, and, like opium, it did nothing to numb him. His breathing was fast and laboured. Tree trunks surrounded him like black pillars the darkness. From somewhere in the tree tops, a nocturnal bird sounded its warning cry, reminding him that he didn’t belong. Suddenly the terrain dropped. For the time of a skipped heartbeat there was a nothing where he expected there to be ground. Then, a sharp pain shot through his right ankle. He let out a groan, and stumbled forward, down a slope. Each step sent new jolts of pain through his ragged leg, but it didn’t matter. His ankle would be heeled soon enough. Like mockery. Feeling close to vomiting with exertion, he increased the pace. His heart was beating near explosion. Blood -- ripping through his arteries like bullets -- filled his mouth with a ferrous taste that evoked memories of gore. And before he could stop them, images of dead bodies filled his mind. Shot, stabbed, murdered, they lay, scattered across his blood-flooded memory lane. As always, in those dark neighbourhoods, Lui found him -- gun in his hand, face spattered with. . . .

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 04:06:44 -0600

You have a critique on the last other page by AZombieAteMyShoelace.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 04:07:06 -0600

*the last page, not the last other page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 04:34:46 -0600

Yes, and this is a re-write. =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Dylan K Ryan — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 04:45:23 -0600

Oh! XD Sorry. My tired brain can't comprehend anything at 2 in the morning. Sorry.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EmmaMayfield — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:09:17 -0600

“HELP ME!!” was the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in. It was January 13th, 2031. The day my own fate was sealed. That night under a new moon I crept out of the compound. I ran for the huge brick wall surrounding our village. The keepers of the Tower would be drunk by now, I calculated. Today marked the day the US was destroyed ten years before. My life had changed dramatically even before that – captured by the society, trained to work as slaves to fuel their empire. But I was never given anything hard to do – I was an Underling. I merely stayed in my quarters with other girls, cleaning the halls, and making meals. The wall was nearly 40 feet high – but that couldn’t stop me. I climbed. In a mere 15 minutes I had reached the top of the wall. Then there was footsteps. “Hey!” I gulped as lights came on and shone down in me. I had been caught. My life was about to change forever.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Sparksbet — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 21:06:53 -0500

The rest of the book is written in first-person from the blonde boy's perspective, but I wanted this scene to feel starkly different from the rest of the book because the main story takes place four years later after the boy has severe amnesia. I think I will clarify that the blonde boy is the one holding the gun.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 11:49:40 -0500

[quote=EmmaMayfield] “HELP ME!!” was the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in. It was January 13th, 2031. The day my own fate was sealed. strong opening! Perhaps "It was the desperate scream for help that made me want... That night under a new moon I crept out of the compound, and ran for the huge brick wall surrounding our village. The keepers of the Tower would be drunk by now, I calculated. Today marked the day the US was destroyed ten years before. last sentence a bit muddled. My life had changed dramatically even before that – captured by the society, trained to work as slaves to fuel their empire. But I was never given anything hard to do – I was an Underling. I merely stayed in my quarters with other girls, cleaning the halls, and making meals. slaves vs. slave. "But I was never given anything hard to do. I was an Underling." The wall was nearly 40 feet high – but that couldn’t stop me. I climbed. In a mere 15 minutes I had reached the top of the wall. Then there was footsteps. “Hey!” Perhaps some indication about this quote. How is it yelled/called? I gulped as lights came on and shone down in on me. I had been caught. My life was about to change forever. [/quote] Critique I think your opening line is strong, and could e poissible stronger with my suggestion ;) The premis somehow remind me aout the Hunger Games, but probaly there wont be any games in your story. I always love a great novel about the little guy (or woman) against the totalitarian state, and I hope you've found your own original twist. I find some grammar and sentence construction that I'd want to change if this was my writing. Buy/Shelf it? Well of course I'd turn the page! It's a strong opening, and I'm curious to see if your Over Power is nasty in an original way.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 11:50:25 -0500

Reminder to self, always preview...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 11:51:31 -0500

[quote=fni] [quote=EmmaMayfield] “HELP ME!!” was the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in. It was January 13th, 2031. The day my own fate was sealed. strong opening! Perhaps "It was the desperate scream for help that made me want... That night under a new moon I crept out of the compound, and ran for the huge brick wall surrounding our village. The keepers of the Tower would be drunk by now, I calculated. Today marked the day the US was destroyed ten years before. last sentence a bit muddled. My life had changed dramatically even before that – captured by the society, trained to work as slaves to fuel their empire. But I was never given anything hard to do – I was an Underling. I merely stayed in my quarters with other girls, cleaning the halls, and making meals. slaves vs. slave. "But I was never given anything hard to do. I was an Underling." The wall was nearly 40 feet high – but that couldn’t stop me. I climbed. In a mere 15 minutes I had reached the top of the wall. Then there was footsteps. “Hey!” Perhaps some indication about this quote. How is it yelled/called? I gulped as lights came on and shone down in on me. I had been caught. My life was about to change forever. [/quote]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 12:00:44 -0500

“Eighteen days,” I muttered, ransacking the last kitchen drawer. “Eighteen, sodding days and I still can’t find anything in this bloody place.” I can’t say I was proud over my behaviour, but in that moment I didn’t care. I had had it. I had had it with the common kitchen at the Wilburs’ Bed and Breakfast; I had had it with the remoteness of Darwenwood, and I had had it with my life revolving around a witch. The disappearance of a bowl scraper was just an excuse to let it all out. Growling in frustration, I slammed the drawer shut, and turned to the stove to save my lasagne noodles from becoming overcooked. And there I found it. Some genius had hung the bowl scraper on the hook rail over the stove. I let out a sigh, removed the pot of cooked pasta from the heat, and poured the water carefully in the sink since. How anyone could live without a colander was beyond my comprehension. Steam billowed and scalded my small hands, and one of the lasagne noodles escaped with the water. “Well that’s just perfect . . .” Clenching my teeth, I salvaged the escaped noodle and rinsed

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Shujin — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:26:27 -0500

Critique: Lots of "had had" repetition that should really be changed into something else. While grammatically correct "had had" is awkward to read in the first place. This sentence also reads a bit awkwardly: I can't say I was proud over my behaviour." Perhaps 'about' fits better than 'over?' You have a random since and the last sentence isn't finished. Plot wise I have no idea where this would be going but I'm not your ideal reader either way. Getting a vague sense of YA from this. ---------------------------------- Think about waking up from a nightmare. The kind where you are paralyzed, your body feels like its on fire, you can't breathe, you can hardly think and there's something out there coming to get you. You can't see it, you can't feel it or smell it but you know its there and you have to run but you can't move, you're going to throw up, all you want to do is live but you can't- Every morning like that. Think about it. The process of waking is a hundred small actions no one notices. Breathing patterns change, digestive system primes, body temperature rises, muscles tense for movement. The brain switches on the parts it had turned off for sleep one by one. Raine could feel it happening. Every morning ice cold purpose slithered into her system and jolted her back into the land of the living. Sudden, almost rude. Uneven. Unpleasant. She hoped that one day she would 'false start' and simply stop responding. Just die. It was better than having her reflexes fail, end up in a bad position, choke to death on vomit like it happens to others. If she was going to bite it, it would be with some measure of dignity. And she would, soon. There was a myriad of ways it could happen. If she didn't wake up dead, she could overload her brain stem or the abnormally thin walls of her heart could give way or something else. This was the price Raine paid for being a death-trending psychic capable of blurring the line between 'dead' and 'alive.' One of the prices.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:52:33 -0500

Thanks for the critique. The last sentence is finished but chopped off since this is the 200-word critique thread.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Paul Dale — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 10:03:30 -0500

The head, the exhaustion, the emptiness of the following morning, all he wanted to do was stay there for a few minutes longer. Barely being able to raise his head, one eye attempting to focus on the time, through the screeching noise of the clock, 'What!....11.30? .... What had happened to the night?'. The light was shining through the slats in the blind, it was such a beautiful morning, but just a few more minutes. That smell of bacon sizzling from downstairs started to arouse the senses in Jerry, how could he face her? He'd promised it would only be a few after work. Rolling on his back, the anticipation of the scene about to confront him as he walked down the stairs was a frightful one. No make up, looking bedraggled from mowing the lawn, she stood with her back to him focused on the morning's breakfast, a real sense of beauty stood there in front of him, he was risking losing it all. Turning around with that radiant smile that only she could have, 'Coffee?'. 'Coffee to shift this head?', he thought. 'Yeah', he said with thoughts on his routine 'hair of the dog' pick me up of the day.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Ice-Spirit Phoenix — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 18:01:57 -0500

I'm guessing I'm closer to being the target audience. I know it has been a while since this excerpt was posted so I'm not sure if you're going to check this thread again but I have to say that this opening REALLY caught my attention. I got caught up in it when I was reading and it made me want to know more, each sentence giving enough information to get the gist of what was going on, but still leaving plenty more questions. That being said, you could probably put a little more information in early on as it was a bit jarring when you realize that you're looking at a group of talking beetles since that caused my entire mental image of the scene to shift. If it could somehow be mentioned when the "struggling digger beetle" is brought up that would help greatly. It was also a little jarring coming to the end and having Mantid suddenly mentioned. I will also agree with the other poster that you need paragraphs. Genre and Target Audience: I'm putting my money on Sci-Fi as the genre since the story seems to be focusing on a race of beetles. As for target audience I'm a bit torn. On the one hand it looks like it could get rather bloody, but the talking beetles make me think Young Adult. Grade: B+ Turn the Page/Buy it: Buy it

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WOTB — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:51:02 -0500

It starts slowly, and in retrospect you wish you had more rapidly adapted. You long for the days when your mind was flooded with trivial matters of no real consequence. He didn't do anything to deserve the respect, the faith and the benefit of the doubt that he was given. And yet, he followed you around town with a particular jaunt in his steps and that playful smile that so well masked his true intentions. You would attempt to threaten him, drawing yourself up to your full height and faking an air of confidence that in its own right seemed quite powerful. Oh, he saw right through you. You never stood a chance against such a formidable opponent, but you did not suspect foul play. You should have. He was not moral, like his eldest brother. His word meant nothing. He was not stubborn, like his youngest sister. He was a calm and composed individual, never letting emotions interfere with the plan. He was not righteous like his mother, he did not invest in any cause other than his own. His one and only intent was a wicked game. He played you. And you loved every minute of it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 02:03:03 -0500

After my last critiue, and because I was so tiered of my MC throwing a tantrum I decided to rewrite the beginning. This is what I came up with: It felt as if I was breaking an unwritten rule reading Anna Braam’s diary, but my boss, Dr Claus Pearlman, had told that nothing is sacred to a folklorist. Me being a folklorist was really his wistful thinking -- I had finished my M. Pill in archaeology a month earlier -- but, at any rate, Anna Braam had been dead for nearly four hundred years, and her tattered diary could be our only chance to learn what had actually transpired in Darwenwood in 1613. Poring over the leather bound journal, I untangled the tortuous handwriting, occasionally sipping my tea. The words pulled me further and further into the intrigues and everyday life of a merchant’s daughter, but I was yet to read something about the woman we suspected had been hung and burnt at the stake, accused of witchcraft. The mildewed pages gave off a musty smell with a hint of vanilla. A tang I associate so strongly with the old books in the Bodleian Library back home in Oxford, that at one point in the afternoon, when Claus had interrupted my reading to remind me to treat the pages with deacidification spray, I had caught myself thinking I was sitting by the history collections in the 'Rad Cam Gallery'. Instead we were confined in the dining dot dot dot

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 02:22:14 -0500

critique I think it's an intriguing and interesting, albeit somewhat mazing, first 200 words. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact that I'm not that used to your POV and the fact that I felt you mixed two tenses (see below). I think you managed well, to create a tension, and evoked my interest for this jaunty player. Your POV is quite different though, and I wonder if you really pulled it off having (+)50 000 words written in the same "you"-way and have it as tantalizing. I can only hope. Ex. on what I meant with having two tenses: [quote=WOTB] It starts slowly, and in retrospect you wish you had more rapidly adapted. [/quote] This is written in present tense, and feels almost like a generalization about something. vs. [quote=WOTB] He played you. And you loved every minute of it. [/quote] This is written in past tense Buy/Shelf it I'd turn the page and perhaps flick to somwhere in the middle to see how you handled your tenses and POV. I'm intrigued.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WOTB — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 02:28:02 -0500

I didn't think I would coming into the first sentence, but I did end up liking this. At times it was a little too heavy on the description and a bit too lacking in actual substance, but the descriptions were nicely worded so I certainly enjoyed that and it kept me going. Is this the first 200 words? If so, I find this scene a bit odd to be the starting for an entire novel. I hope there is some action coming up or at least some dialouge or I fear people will grow tired of the descriptions. There were a few sentence things here and there that I think detract from the story a bit: a) I'd change "told that nothing is sacred" to "assured me that nothing is sacred"... Yes, it's more words but the "had told that" made me jump back and say "hold on, what?" and not in a good way. b) Loved "a musty smell with a hint of vanilla" but the sentence after it takes away from the effect. The fact that you started with "A tang I associate so strongly..." put me off a bit. It's a fine thought, and it fits in the story, but it would flow better with some sentence reconstruction. Overall, I loved all the bits about Anna Braam, and the narrator has some potential. And the story itself is quite intriuging. Most of my issues are little things with flow and sentence structure. Buy/Turn Page: Turn page, but if you follow it up nicely I'd buy it. Grade: B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 02:49:22 -0500

[quote=Paul Dale] The head, the exhaustion, the emptiness of the ~~following morning~~ morning after, all he wanted to do was stay there for a few minutes longer. Barely being able to raise his head, one eye attempting to focus on the time, through the screeching noise of the clock, 'What!....11.30? .... What had happened to the night?'.muddled sentence A few after work? A few beers? A few occasions of after work? I'm not following Rolling on his back, the anticipation of the scene about to confront him as he walked down the stairs was a frightful one.muddled again. He rolls on his back and walks down the stairs. Is he actually sliding? No make up, looking bedraggled from mowing the lawn, she stood with her back to him focused on the morning's breakfast, a real sense of beauty stood there in front of him, he was risking losing it all.I suggest making this into two sentences Turning around with that radiant smile that only she could have, 'Coffee?'. 'Coffee to shift this head?', he thought. 'Yeah', he said with thoughts on his routine 'hair of the dog' pick me up of the day. [/quote] Critique Though you do have a sence of how to "show and not tell", I feel that your snetence structure is pretty muddled. I think that's what I'd advice you to work on. For example "Barely being able to raise his head, one eye attempting to focus on the time, through the screeching noise of the clock, 'What!....11.30? .... What had happened to the night?'." What does this really say? I mean to me it's just muddled. A quick suggestion: Barely able to raise his head, he focused one eye on the screeching clock. "What!. . . Eleven-thirty?. . . What happened to the night?" >>Take notes on the eleipses which should be three dots sepparated by space. As for the content in it self. I'm not a heavy drinker, and I have a hard time feeling pitty for one, but I'm guessing this isn't really aimed towards my reader group anyway. I like the fact that he has this amazing girlfriend who he truely glorifies, and will want to hold onto/get back in case things fall appart. That is your strength in these 200 words, in my opinion anyway. Buy/Shelf it? Before the sentence structure is better, I'd not turn the page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WOTB — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 02:58:39 -0500

[quote=fni] critique I think it's an intriguing and interesting, albeit somewhat mazing, first 200 words. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact that I'm not that used to your POV and the fact that I felt you mixed two tenses (see below). I think you managed well, to create a tension, and evoked my interest for this jaunty player. Your POV is quite different though, and I wonder if you really pulled it off having (+)50 000 words written in the same "you"-way and have it as tantalizing. I can only hope. Ex. on what I meant with having two tenses: [quote=WOTB] It starts slowly, and in retrospect you wish you had more rapidly adapted. [/quote] This is written in present tense, and feels almost like a generalization about something. vs. [quote=WOTB] He played you. And you loved every minute of it. [/quote] This is written in past tense Buy/Shelf it I'd turn the page and perhaps flick to somwhere in the middle to see how you handled your tenses and POV. I'm intrigued. [/quote] Thank you, I'm happy that you found it intriuging. Actually, the 200 words is more of an overall description, like a back cover sort of thing. The stuff I have written for the actual story is not written in the weird "you" POV, I just thought it fit that particular hook. And I agree, I fell pray to the past/present thing, but I admit I got kind of wrapped up in making it sound intriuging and didn't really pay much attention to that. I will certainly revise that part of the excerpt.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 03:31:12 -0500

Thank you so much for your critique! This is the first 200 words of the first chapter, but there's a prologue proceeding it. You're right about assured instead of told, and I have removed the deacidificationspray and changed tang into scent for the time being, hoping it's less destractive. The result being: The mildewed pages gave off a musty smell with a hint of vanilla. A scent I associate so strongly with the old books in the Bodleian Library back home in Oxford, that at one point in the afternoon, I had caught myself thinking I was sitting by the history collections in the Rad Cam Gallery, and not at all in the dining room at the Wilburs’ bed and breakfast in Darwenwood. I'm glad you found yourself liking it in the end. =)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WOTB — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 03:53:16 -0500

(: You're welcome. I do think it reads better without the sentence you took out, but I'm not sure it fixs the problem, for me at least. All the imagery is great, I can really imagine what that Library looks like and smells like, that's not the problem. That's perfect. It's not that it is grammatically incorrect, but rather it just sounds weird. It sounds like "...A scent I associate so strongly..." should be part of the sentence preceeding it. I'm just going to suggest something: you can take it or leave it. "The mildewed pages gave off a musty smell with a hint of vanilla so reminiscent of the old books in the Bodleian Library back in Oxford that I caught myself drifting back to the history collections in the Red Cam Gallery instead of the Wilburs' bed and breakfast in Darwenwood." Well, now reading it over, it seems a bit run-on-y but I think you get the point I am trying to make. Go ahead and play around with it, adding commas and semi colons and whatever else you see fit. I just think the way you have it now is a bit disjointed. (:

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:20:56 -0500

I was thinking I could have : The mildewed pages gave off a musty smell with a hint of vanilla. It was a scent I associate so strongly with the old books in the Bodleian Library back home in Oxford, that at one point in the afternoon, I had caught myself thinking I was sitting by the history collections in the Rad Cam Gallery, and not at all in the dining room at the Wilburs’ bed and breakfast in Darwenwood. But I really want to avoid using "It" and "was", so putting them next to each other felt as if I was reaking an unwritten rule (hehehe).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WOTB — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:38:49 -0500

I understand your delimena. It is probably the best way to do it logistically because you don't want to create a run-on sentence, but it also makes it sound slightly monotone and mundane. Honestly, I can't advise you any further than this because it is simply a matter of your own personal taste. Personally, I would just go with "it was". I really can't see a way around it, and it only 2 words, and there will be at least 49,998 more. Nit-picking can really kill you, I've learned. xP

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Paul Dale — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 05:49:05 -0500

Thank you, really appreciate it. It's my first attempt at creative writing and here to learn, take on board your points and will work on the structure of the sentences.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

ihazabeard — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:59:41 -0500

The next morning dawned loudly with the clatter of hail stone on one hundred thousand roofs. Doradon was alive with the sound. And so was the Creature. It pounced and paced and skittered and scuffled, dashing in its head against the crusty brick wall. It growled and hissed away the sound, leaping, all legs, from one paving stone to the other, running a solitary riot in the Doradonian sewers. A minute, an hour, a day, it didn’t notice – didn’t care. Less than two months old and it was terrified. Eyes wide, whites showing. Unaware of what to do with its limbs, it ran itself ragged, eventually falling down, exhausted, into a corner, where it slept and dreamt. Of what, it couldn’t quite place. It didn’t notice the sound of breathing and soft footsteps.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:14:55 -0500

After finishing another round of chemotherapy, the priest listened to the labored breathing of the dying man in the bed across the room and shook his head. Father Michael had seen people drown before, and the sounds coming from the other man were the sounds of drowning: painful inspiration followed by a gurgling exhale and coughing. The priest looked to his left, at the door to the room, hoping that he would see a nurse walk by, but didn’t. Closing the tattered Bible, he placed it in the space between his leg and the bed. Slowly he sat up and placed his feet on the floor. Small jolts of electricity formed in his feet and shot up through his hips. He stood. Father Michael could feel and hear the grinding of bones in his hips as he straightened himself. Pulling the IV stand with him, Father Michael limped over to the man, wincing with each step, trying to steady himself against the sharp pain and the nausea that began to pass over him. He repositioned the cannula that lay on the side of the man’s face, hoping that the increase in oxygen would ease some of the labored breathing. --JSC 212 words, I apologize.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 02:44:06 -0500

Larken fixed his eyes on the rotter's face, bewildered. Serom towered over the poor man. Forced to a sitting position on the floor with his legs sprawled out in uncomfortable directions, it was clear from the abnormal angle of his ankle that it had at one point been broken, but never set, so that it had healed in the wrong direction. So entirely malnourished was the creature that Larken wondered how his skinny neck held his head on his shoulders, and how his concave abdomen managed to keep his internal organs knitted together correctly. The expression in his face was pleading, begging, though for what Larken did not fully understand. “Time to do away with you, then,” Serom said. There was a low rumbling chuckle in his voice. Before Larken could fully register the words, he'd placed both of his large hands on either side of the worker's head, braced himself so that his legs formed an immovable vice, and twisted that spindly neck sharply to the side. The body crumpled to the ground before the echo of the snapped vertebrae stopped reverberating. The arms and legs gave a few erratic twitches before it stopped moving altogether; an insect that had just had its head severed. A split piece of bone protruded from the shadow puppeteer's jugular, and was quietly spurting his life's blood into the mud at their feet. Larken clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide, his breathing rapid and verging on hyperventilation. Bile rose up in his throat, an acidic taste that spurred the production of tears, and the need to retch nearly overwhelmed him. (a bit over the limit, I am aware. Sorry for that. Mostly concerned about the wording in the first paragraph; wish to make sure that it is easy enough to follow.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:38:09 -0500

Forced to a sitting position on the floor with his legs sprawled out in uncomfortable directions... While I understand that this is the rotter, I can see readers being confused, particularly because the rotter isn't previously mentioned, only his face. So "his" really doesn't apply. Try to make it more clear. rotter's face poor man the creature the worker's head shadow puppeteer's jugular That's far too many ways to refer to the same character, especially in so small a sample. The body crumpled to the ground before the echo of the snapped vertebrae stopped reverberating. The arms and legs gave a few erratic twitches before it stopped moving altogether; I would remove reverberating. It isn't necessary and sounds a bit awkward so close to vertebrae. Also, there's a repetive construction to this sentences that didn't work for me. Something > before > something. I would change one or the other.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 11:42:32 -0500

Thank you kindly. It's surprisingly obnoxious to work with a character that has no name. Too little reference terms and it's repetitive, too many and well, you get ^ that. I'll work on finding a happy medium.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:34:21 -0500

(Some issues amended, thank you again, I think it flows a bit more easily now.) Larken fixed his eyes on the rotter's face, bewildered. Serom towered over the poor man. Forced to a sitting position on the floor with his legs sprawled out in uncomfortable directions, it was clear from the abnormal angle of the worker's ankle that it had at one point been broken, but never set. It had healed in the wrong direction as a result. So entirely malnourished was he that Larken wondered how his skinny neck held his head on his shoulders, and how his concave abdomen managed to keep his internal organs knitted together correctly. The expression in his face was pleading, begging, though for what Larken did not fully understand. “Time to do away with you, then,” Serom said. There was a low rumbling chuckle in his voice. Before Larken could fully register the words, he'd placed both of his large hands on either side of the worker's head, braced himself so that his legs formed an immovable vice, and twisted that spindly neck sharply to the side. The body crumpled to the ground before the echo of the snapped vertebrae stopped. The arms and legs gave a few erratic twitches and then went abruptly still; an insect that had just had its head severed. A split piece of bone protruded from the rotter's jugular, and was quietly spurting his life's blood into the mud at their feet. Larken clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide, his breathing rapid and verging on hyperventilation. Bile rose up in his throat, an acidic taste that spurred the production of tears, and the need to retch nearly overwhelmed him.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:03:39 -0500

Better, though I'd still like more clarity. I can guess that the rotter and the worker are the same person, but they are never explicitly linked. Here is an example of what I mean: He was what they called a rotter, a slave worker in the Tribidium mines. Open sores weeped on his arms and face, and his hair hung in tatters upon his head; the effects of prolonged exposure to the radioactive ore. Now I can use rotter and worker, or even slave, interchangeably without confusing the reader. I've also given context to the words. Now the reader knows what work he does and knows why he's called a rotter.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:25:43 -0500

When dealing with a character that is unnamed, I find it best to make up a name for him. The stranger. The man in the yellow hat. Whatever. Pick a characteristic that describes him and have fun with it. Example: John plopped down in the chair and lifted his booted feet up onto the table, crossing one over the other. At a table on the opposite side of the room, two large men tried, unsuccessfully, to pretend they weren't looking his way. One was bald, shaved bald, with a doughy face covered by a thin beard that did nothing to disguise his youth. The other was older, with long black hair and a piggish nose. John ordered a beer and waited. He didn't have to wait long. Piggy stood up and the kid was a step behind. They stopped just short of John's boots. "You that Duster?" Piggy asked. John took a long pull from his mug and then set it down on the table. "You'll have to be more specific. Lots of Dusters around these days." "That's him, pa," the kid said. "I seen him kill Jake." John shrugged. "Jake was a bad man. Had it coming."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:30:54 -0500

Apologies. I should probably have stated that this passage is at the tail end of a longer chapter. I completely understand what you mean, but the connection was made prior to the passage, one that was a bit of an "infodump," explanatory. I should probably post that somewhere, but I refer to this: "It was a relatively elaborate system; one that convinced these exiled workers that they suffered from some fictional plague. They now lived under the assumption that they were little more than walking corpses, flirting with the vestiges of death's door, rotting even while they still dwelt among the living. Crude, perhaps, but it certainly negated from any chance of an uprising. " Is this the kind of drawn connection you are referring to? Again, thank you for the critique, it's very useful.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:42:01 -0500

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Looks good.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:50:02 -0500

Again, can't follow directions... ^^;; You would be in the 80% rejection pile... You broke 2 rules... Following directions is a good habit...

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:50:52 -0500

You are referring to the "200" word rule, which I noted and stated apologies for being over the limit. So, naturally, the reader was already aware about the word count, and decided to just read it anyway and critiqued it usefully. The second rule you are referring to is "explanation of the story." I didn't, I was actually just making sure that what I had written was what he was describing, to make sure that the ideas synched. I do appologize if you feel offended for the offense of the rules, but I don't regret posting the exerpt anyway, because I got rather useful tips on how to make the writing better. However, if you feel that the rules have been so grossly undermined, feel free to delete it. Have a nice day.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 13:04:54 -0500

critique: What I like about this entry is the use of the five senses to describe things. Not only do we get imagery, but we also get the sensations the priest is experiencing; tacitile, auditory and a good bit of visual. Some people get far too caught up in the third aspect and fail to inculde the others, which in the end tends to detract from the overall relatability of the piece to the reader. Well done on that. Grammar: No issues. Grade: A+ Put down/buy/turn the page: Probably buy, I'd have to keep reading for a while to get more of a feel for what the story is going to be.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Schraube — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:18:30 -0500

Before he behold the angel, he had sung a requiem for his own sanity; a lullaby to the stillborn. Suspended in gossamer stretching out into aquamarine infinity, Aquila wasn't feeling anything in particular. The burning sensation in his body had ebbed away, the vertigo was gone. The hexagon shapes moved slowly in front of him as if to calm him with their soft yellow hue, as if to say - >Do not be afraid. We will care for you. The damage to your physical form is beyond nominal.< The bodiless voice was a mere whisper, heralding a maelstrom of pain roaring into being around him. His spine was liquid fire cascading down from his neck, shaking him in fury. The young man cried out without a sound. >We apologize. The discomfort will only be momentarily.< He struggled against his bindings and felt being let go. Floating. He saw himself afloat in the tank for a brief moment. >Do not worry Jonas. I know this is confusing. We will replace some of the clusters with our own.< He looked up and saw a slender, silver face with opal eyes. It had a motherly smile. [193 words]

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Schraube — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 17:52:05 -0500

In my opinion, this is not suitable for the beginning of a good story. While based on personal opinion and taste, I do not think this does a good job in grabbing your readers by the throat to never let go again until the last line of the last page. You put too much description into the first part in my opinion. Think about the following - if you would take away the frist paragraph, would your story gain momentum and tension or lose it? And it is, in my opinion, not relevant where you place this piece of the story - at the begin or the end. You need to get that grip and don't let go, keep things flowing. Search all the adverbs in your short piece, underline them, then search the adjectives. Maybe you can cut some words in that manner as well, giving your story more punch by getting rid of unnecessary fat, if I am allowed to use that metaphor. How you like your writing style is of course not my buisness, but you might want not to lose too much of your story in unnecessary weight. If you can cut a word, always cut it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 17:58:56 -0500

Yes, I'm definately big on description, especially in this particular instance. I see what you're saying, but I should state that this isn't the beginning of the story. The paragraphs are taken from random point, as I believe the criteria is any 200 words from "somewhere," not necessarily the first page.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:04:25 -0500

Critique: I quite like the description in this. It is somewhat vague; I don't know what is going on. Really anything about what's going on, but I'm assuming that's just because there are pieces missing due to the word restriction (or it's written that way to inspire curiosity, which it does effectively.) I do like the words you used, though I'd suggest perhaps a bit more detail in the sense that even though I get a vague image it is not really specific enough to understand what's occurring. I was puzzled also by the presence of the name “Aquila,” and “Jonas.” It seemed at first I was feeling these sensations through this Aquila character, but then it flips to Jonas, and I'm left confused again. The transition or definition of those two characters could use a little more definition. Grammar: I think in the first sentence you want “beheld.” Past tense permeates the piece, I'm assuming you want it all written in third person, just take a fine toothed comb and make sure the tense is consistent. I know, a pain in the rear, I have to do it too. Put down/buy/turn the page: I'd at least turn the page, hoping to get some definition of what is going on in the story. Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Schraube — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:22:50 -0500

It should be a page-turner, yes. It was only quickly written, and that Aquila/Jonas issue bothered me as well. If you would turn the page... ;) I am using blocks of 400 words to measure my writing. So there should be another page to finish this up - or provide some more foreshadowing etc. This was an exercise in writing a page-turner, so I had to be vague yet create enough tension with that to keep the flow and the grip of my reader. I think I could go and tweak it a bit more, but it is what it is now. Thanks for your quick critique! Best wishes ~Schraube

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Schraube — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:32:19 -0500

I do see now where you are coming from. I hope I did not say to you before, but if you are big on description, you should learn how to keep a story flowing. Description can, if done improperly, hinder and stop the reading flow. It is not really possible to write a story lacking discription (if it is, somebody send me a PM, I'd really like to have a look at it and maybe learn a few new things ;) ), but you should find a way of writing a grade of description that you like yet doesn't stop the flow. To find a way to describe characters, situations, scenery and so on in a way that it allows to the picture you had in mind to form inside the reader's head is the great art of writing. I'd suggest you write a lot of smaller pieces (flash fiction does wonders, write a whole story in under or about 400 words. If you are really crazy, do it in 50) with limited wordcount and see what you can learn about your writing style and how you handle things when there is little room. It helped me, I was a wordy person once that wrote too much description. I probably still am.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:02:04 -0500

Truly? How interesting. I was always told that more description was better, if you were struggling with too little or too much. To me it made sense; I always feel like it's easier to cut detail than to try to insert it after the fact. When that happens it tends not to flow with the rest of the piece, at least not usually, or it's harder to blend in with the rest of the work. At least, that is what my professor instructed me when I took a creative writing course. Of course it's just as bad to be bogged down by too much description as it is to have too little; when you try for the latter you risk confusing your reader. The writing can become descriptive in wrong ways too; nebulous, if you will. I've seen that a lot too, and it's sad because although what I can decipher of the story seems intriguing I cannot actually pinpoint what is going on. Often the writing is almost songlike in this instance...pretty, but not always with the meat that might be needed. Anyway, just my thoughts. Glad to hear a different approach to writing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 14:14:57 -0500

First 198 words. Every five years since I was born, something had happened that forever had changed my identity. At the age of five, I had happened to kill a man. At ten, I had befriended Claus Truman, a fifty-two-year-old watchmaker, and found my redemption in the entrails of watches. At fifteen, I had become the last girl in my class to get her period, and at twenty, Claus had deemed me fully trained in the watchmaker’s craft, and hired me to run his shop. Thus, at the age of twenty-fifth, I was a potentially lethal, petit woman, and watchmaker, walking around on eggshells, wondering what would become of me next. Rain pattered steadily against the window in the backroom of the shop. I was sitting by the workbench, reassembling the parts of a mechanical wristwatch -- an easy cleaning job. Only three costumers had visit the store on that rainy day in April, and, since all clocks in the workshop showed, more or less, ten minutes to closing hour, I didn’t expect a fourth one, but suddenly the shopkeeper’s bell clattered in the other room. I started with surprise, and let out a lengthy exhale to slow my racing heart.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 18:14:06 -0500

Critique: I'm not so sure how I feel about the repetition with the “had happened” in the first two sentences. If you'd been going for a sort of “I'm not responsible feel” and let that phrase walk you through the entire paragraph, I'd see the reason for it, but for me stylistically it just seems halting somehow. I'd just reword those first to sentences for the sake of flow. Try switching out things like “I had become” with “I became.” Too many had's, as it were. I'd also say “at the age of twenty five.” If you were to word it “as I hit my twenty-fifth year,” it would make sense, but the fifth isn't necessary with what you have. I'd ditch the comma between “Petite woman and watchmaker” too. Good stuff: I liked the description overall, and I liked the way you put a sort of character to your “character,” as it were, in the first paragraph. She starts off very believable. Her prose makes her appear to be a character one can relate to. I'm also intrigued by how the watch making is going to evolve and become more relevant in the story. Grammar: “Only three costumers had visit the store on that rainy day in April, and, since all clocks in the workshop showed, more or less, ten minutes to closing hour, I didn’t expect a fourth one, but suddenly the shopkeeper’s bell clattered in the other room.” This sentence is very much a run-on. I would find a way to either trim it or cut it into two separate parts. Also, it should be “visited.” Put down/turn the page/buy: Personally I would put it down, but I don't believe for this particular text I'm the audience you are targeting. Grade: C+ ish range, I suppose. It's interesting, just needs some shining and buffing here and there.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:33:01 -0500

Thank you! "had happened" really shows how blind you can become to your own text. In my mind the two "happened" meant two different things, so I didn't even see them being that close. Thanks for pointing thosed out! Happy for your in depth critique, even though I found the same errors with "fifth", "visit", "coma" and "run-on sentence" shortly after posting. (eagerness would be my biggest character flaw). I'm confused though about the tense in the first paragraph. Since the main body of the novel is written in past tense, if I refere to something before the "present"-occuring(in past tense), wouldn't it be wierd to have it in the same tense. It loses someof it's meaning. e.g. Every five years since I was born, something had happened that forever had changed my identity. -- those things happened. Every five years since I was born, something happened that forever changed my identity. -- those things are happening.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:38:35 -0500

Perhaps I can shake it up, but now I'm grammar-confused: Every five years since I was born, something had happened that forever changed my identity. At the age of five, I killed a stranger. At ten, I befriended Claus Truman, a fifty-two-year-old watchmaker, and found my redemption in the entrails of watches. At fifteen, I became the last girl in my class to get her period, and at twenty, Claus had deemed me fully trained in the watchmaker’s craft, and hired me to run his shop.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:21:07 -0500

Better, much better, I think the flow of this one is easier.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:38:21 -0500

Well…as a kid I wasn’t *particularly* inquisitive but I had my questions, just like any other six-year-old. I also had a dad, one with a penchant for, uh, sarcasm we’ll call it. Sardonicism. It wasn’t until later that I learned lots of us had dads like mine—maybe even you did? Maybe one day you and Dad are in a Denny’s parking lot at eleven at night walking to the car and you suddenly think ‘Swiss Cheese’ for no reason at all. Just ‘Swiss Cheese’, that’s it. Of course, that’s not really it: you begin to wonder why Swiss Cheese has all those holes in its flesh. (You actually think of it in those stark terms: holes in flesh. You’re reminded of the cartoons where characters are riddled with bullets and come out looking suspiciously like Swiss Cheese and now it all makes sense). You tug on Dad’s sleeve and ask, “Why does Swiss Cheese have all those holes in its flesh?” He doesn’t mildly laugh at the absurdity of the question nor does he stop in his tracks and chew over the stark terms you just used to describe Swiss Cheese (holes in flesh). Instead he keeps walking, not bothering to look at you, and says to you in a serious way that inspires total security and confidence, “Well, it’s the rats of course. They grow the cheese in Swiss caves, you know, caves tucked into the folds of way-high mountains in Switzerland. And the caves are infested with big bloated rats who chew little holes into the cheese. Really.” Who honestly knows whether or not he was aware that you’d take it to heart? The point is you did. You swear off Swiss Cheese until you’re thirteen. In encyclopedic fashion you parrot the explanation to both peers and adults alike in the same serious way Dad did, except you genuinely are serious. They look at you as if you're stupid until you finally feel they're right. You're stupid to have believed words that came from your father’s mouth, words spoken in the same tone he delivered news of your mother’s death in when you were five.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

EIias — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:21:40 -0500

kinda neat

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:08:38 -0500

Although I'm not usually a fan of informal, I liked this. It had a unique vibe to it, and depending on how you follow up on it, could develop into an interesting story. However, because of how informal it is I'm not really sure how to go about critiquing it effectively.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:06:26 -0500

I really liked this as well. The only question I'd ask is whether or not it's fitting to describe being last to get your period as an identity changing event. I wouldn't know, since I'm not a woman, but it seems the act of GETTING the period is a life changer, not the coincidence of being last in a randomly selected group to do so.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:29:05 -0500

But, like I said, I'm not a woman so I don't know if not getting the period until last is a big deal. Or it's completely possible you explain later why not getting it is such a big deal. So take the above critique with a grain of salt.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 20:40:49 -0500

[Word Count: 190] “Rheyai!” She'll say, tagging along after me, tugging on the sleeve of my tattered shirt. She bounces around as though she's been given a full portion of grub every day and the world is filled with rays of sunshine. She doesn't know that they removed her from the List long ago, that she is not considered important enough to feed. Her voice is low and smooth, soft, many decibels below the tones of the Preacher. I can hear her, the other workers can hear her. But the overseers cannot; our words are not like theirs. When we speak near them they talk of strange whistling whispers, and they glare and wrinkle their noses in disgust at us. We cannot actually tell them we understand, of course, and I do not think they would want to hear it. It is enough that we follow as a good flock should and bob our heads in affirmation when we are bidden. But that does not matter. I can hear Cezote and I feel her love, and I toss her in the air and I smile and sometimes things seem alright for once.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:31:44 -0500

I would cut the 1st sentence. It really isn't necessary. The 2nd sentence has much more of a hook.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:43:27 -0500

I like it. Just a couple small nits. “Rheyai!” She'll say, tagging along after me... "She'll" should not be capitalized. I can hear Cezote and I feel her love, and I toss her in the air and I smile and sometimes things seem alright for once. I would cut "sometimes" since you are actually referring to this specific moment. Also, "sometimes" suggests more than "once". The whole sentence might need a rewrite though. There's a lot of "and" and "I" in there. Maybe break it into two, or even three sentences: I can hear Cezote and feel her love. I toss her into the air and smile. In this one moment, all seems right with the world.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

GinoMolinari — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:56:17 -0500

Steven Anderton stared blankly out the eighth story window of the Collison Medical Research Laboratory and watched the world pass him by. It had been thirteen months since he had agreed whole heartedly to this experimental testing that he was now having second thoughts about. Well, not just now per se. He had been having doubts on the overall mental capacity of a single person being able to undergo such stress from day one. He had however been silent on his concerns, partly based upon empirical data that had been collected just hours before testing began, but also largely based upon his own assumptions and knowledge of the tests. Steven Anderton had worked for Stan Collison for five years. Together they had successfully mapped the human brain for the first time in world history. Together they had sparked the technological revolution of computer brain mapping, internet brain mapping, and even splitting of personalities. That last one had been a real PR nightmare for the government to deal with. Here you had some of the biggest companies in the entire world coming at you with these proposals, and not just mere ideas for better mousetraps mind you; Ideas for taking a person’s personality and placing it onto a computer or the internet via digital file. It was chaos.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:11:25 -0500

I see what you mean. I think I got a bit caught up in the "journal/informal" bit. It's a fine line to be treading between believable stream-of-consciousness and verging towards sloppy sometimes. Thank you for your critique

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Lynnielois — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:32:34 -0500

“I have a plan,” I tell Damian with a grin the second he walks in. “Oh, God,” he shakes his head. “Why do I have The Bad Feeling right now?” The Bad Feeling is what Damian gets when he thinks I’m being stupid. “No. Don’t worry, it’s foolproof.” “That makes me feel worse.” He laughs, but I know how serious he is because his laugh is low. “Oh, please. Don’t make me feel like you’re going to go and tell on me.” “It’s that kind of plan?” “Don’t look at me like that!” I whine. “I hate it when you look at me like that.” “I’m not looking at you weirdly.” “You are!” “I’m not!” His eyebrows are raised almost to his hairline. “Yes you are,” “What’s the plan?” He asks, letting out a big sigh. “I’m going to go and climb a mountain,” “Caileigh!” He both yells and gasps. “Can you be quiet?” “You can’t even leave your bed, how are you going to climb a mountain? You parents will catch you. I can’t help with this one. I won’t.” “Then you can leave now.” I can’t help but feel betrayed. He should be on my side, not theirs!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shockvaluecola — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 03:45:48 -0500

“Hey.” Just that word, quietly spoken, was enough to make Lavinia Merricont wince. Her head was pounding, her eyes were closed but every sound, every prick of light through her eyelids, made her head feel like it was going to explode. “Come on, let's get you up,” Oberon was saying, crouching down to lift her. “I'm [i]fine[/i].” Her own insistent voice made her wince, but Lavinia forced herself to stand. A handkerchief was pressed into her hand, which she pressed to her nose. Her coat was black and didn't show blood, where she'd been using that to staunch the flow, but the handkerchief let her apply pressure, which was better. “Can you walk?” His voice was quiet, respectful of her pain, but it still pierced a little. “Yeah.” She wrapped an arm through his. “Just...lead me. I feel a little weak.” It burned her pride to admit it, but seventeen years of dealing with her visions had taught her that pretending to be fine just made it worse. “And I have to keep my eyes closed.” “Okay.” Psychics were rare, even among witches, but Lavinia was one. At least she wasn't alone – Morgrad had a few other than her. All of them had better control over the Gift than she did, and none of them took it so hard when they did get visions.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 04:27:33 -0500

Germans instead of Brits, everyone dislikes Germans so it is more understandable to call them baby eaters. Also your description of the new neighbors sounds Aryan = German. Brits are a lot more plain rather than super blond tall blue eyed Aryans. Maybe they are really White Aryan Resistance members and really are evil babby eaters. Just my thoughts. Skip them if you don't like.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 05:06:11 -0500

It began gradually; in retrospect, you wish you had adapted quicker. You were too naive, and too young - so they said. I did nothing to deserve the respect and faith you gave me. At first, I would follow you. Do you remember that jaunt in my steps? My playful smile, which masked so well my true intentions? Oh you played at being powerful, in return to my advances. I indulged your air of confidence, knowing it was fake. Did you know also? You never stood a chance. You knew of my formidable nature, but you always thought I was on your side. Because of this, you never suspected me. I played a wicked game with you, my love, my plaything, my dirty slut. You loved every minute of it. ***************************************************** Calm and composed, never letting you glimpse my secrets, I carried out my unrighteous plan. a. It starts slowly, and in retrospect you wish you had more rapidly adapted. b. It began gradually; in retrospect, you wish you had adapted quicker. You were too naive, and too young - so they said. a. You long for the days when your mind was flooded with trivial matters of no real consequence. b. (Remove) a. He didn't do anything to deserve the respect, the faith and the benefit of the doubt that he was given. b. I did nothing to deserve the respect and faith you gave me. a. And yet, he followed you around town with a particular jaunt in his steps and that playful smile that so well masked his true intentions. b. At first, I would follow you. Do you remember that jaunt in my steps? My playful smile, which masked so well my true intentions? a. You would attempt to threaten him, drawing yourself up to your full height and faking an air of confidence that in its own right seemed quite powerful. b. Oh you played at being powerful, in return to my advances. a. Oh, he saw right through you. b. I indulged your air of confidence, knowing it was fake. Did you know also? a. You never stood a chance against such a formidable opponent, but you did not suspect foul play. b. You never stood a chance. You knew of my formidable nature, but you always thought I was on your side. a. You should have. He was not moral, like his eldest brother. His word meant nothing. b. Because of this, you never suspected me. a. He was not stubborn, like his youngest sister. b. He was a calm and composed individual, never letting emotions interfere with the plan. b. Calm and composed, never letting you glimpse my secrets, I carried out my unrighteous plan. a. He was not righteous like his mother, he did not invest in any cause other than his own. b. a. His one and only intent was a wicked game. He played you. And you loved every minute of it. b. I played a wicked game with you, my love, my plaything, my dirty slut. You loved every minute of it. ************************************************* Sorry if you don't like what I did with your words, they just inspired me as soon as I saw them and wished to be the 'he' you were talking about and rewrite from my/his point of view. Ian M Banks, wrote the ONLY novel I have ever liked in 2nd person, with first person combined. From the main characters POV talking to his sister. I cannot remember the name of the Novel, but if you like 2nd person POV, I advise reading it. Canal Road, Complicity, White, The Wasp Factory, cant remember which one it is.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 20:27:27 -0500

Anything can be art if the artist says it is, remember the blood piss and cross? Whether its good art is a different matter.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 07:35:28 -0500

“Come on, let's get you up,” Oberon was saying, crouching down to lift her. How does she know he is crouching down if her eyes are closed? ...pretending to be fine just made it worse. Didn't she just tell him she was fine a moment ago? There's no hint of the setting here. There's no description at all, except for the bit about her coat, but I wasn't sure if she was wearing it or carrying it. I think you are starting in the wrong place. Why not start with whatever she did to get the bloody nose? That sounds like it would be more interesting. Then you could show us that she's a witch with psychic abilities rather than tell us.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 07:36:38 -0500

Akad crouched in the shadow of the palace wall, twenty feet from freedom, cursing holy Haram and the inequities of fate. Two sharazi stood in his path, naked blades hanging from red sash belts. Beyond them, a line of palanquins stretched toward the far gate, waiting to take the royal family into the city. Sweat beaded on his brow and dampened his palms. He wiped them on his pantaloons, wondering if he should turn back, try again another day. No one would know. He shook his head, banishing the thought. His next chance might be days or even weeks away. The frayed edge of his sanity would brook no more delays. It was now or never. The two guards turned and Akad followed their gaze. The royals emerged from the palace surrounded by a dozen more sharazi and followed by a large retinue of servants who would carry the litters. The Kaz--The Dragon as the common folk called him--wore a red silk coat, similar in style to the blue chados worn by his sons. The coat buttoned at the waist and flared wide above and below, exposing his powerful chest and hanging like a cloak around his legs. The youngest son fiddled with the buttons on his coat, adjusting and readjusting as he walked. Akad couldn’t help but smile at the performance.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 07:48:49 -0500

“I have a plan,” I tell Damian with a grin the second he walks in. Walks in where? There's no setting. “Don’t look at me like that!” It might help to describe how he is looking at her first. “What’s the plan?” He asks, letting out a big sigh. "He" should not be capitalized because "he asks" is a dialogue tag. Only capitalize if it is a name/title or begins a new sentence. “Caileigh!” He both yells and gasps. Can someone yell and gasp at the same time? This is pretty much the definition of "talking heads". Two people talking with no setting, very little stage direction. Show us where they are. Show us what they are doing, not just what they are saying. Engage all the senses.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:17:32 -0500

“Backwards and forwards, up and down and then circles,” Harry said. She brushed her curls aside then did as he said. She loved how he guided her how to do things right but never told her off if she did them wrong. “What’s with Dad today?” Harry asked. “Dunno,” Emily said as she stood on the step stool and reached up and over the washbasin to get the glass to rinse her mouth. Harry was getting into his pyjamas behind her. “He rang Uncle Ian. They talked for ages. Daddy told him ‘he had to come with the truck and to bring someone to help move furniture.’” Emily’s eyes lit up with joy thinking about her Uncle Ian’s visit. “Uncle Ian was arguing with Dad. He raised his voice and I could hear him through the phone. He said he couldn’t just walk away from a cattle station at a moment’s notice just because Dad wanted him here. Then Daddy said he had to come fast because Leslie would need him.” “Daddy is getting him here because it’s my birthday tomorrow,” Emily exclaimed and jumped from the stool in excitement. “I don’t think so,” Harry said shaking his head as he put her tooth brush away. “Uncle Ian wanted to know why he had to come here right now and Daddy said he had better drop everything and come fast.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 09:17:30 -0500

She brushed her curls aside then did as he said. When the focus changes to a different character, you should start a new paragraph. Also, why not identify her as Emily in this sentence instead of "she"? By using an unattributed pronoun, the possibility exists that this is someone other than Emily. Likely the reader will figure it out, but that's not something you want the reader wondering about. “Uncle Ian was arguing with Dad. He raised his voice and I could hear him through the phone. I doubt Harry could hear every word that his uncle said, or even enough to make much sense of it. When people yell, they usually stress certain words more than others, and likely those would be the only ones he might hear. I think it would be better, and more believable, if Harry was listening in on another phone. Also, I think it would be much better if you actually showed Harry listening on the phone, rather than having him tell his sister about it after the fact. Daddy said he had to come fast because Leslie would need him. Who is Leslie? Another sibling? You might want to throw in a sentence just to provide a little more context. Example: Emily felt a momentary stab of jealousy. Why was her sister so important? "Daddy is getting him here because it's my birthday tomorrow," she said, refuting Harry's words.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 10:06:10 -0500

Thank you for the quick reply to that postBanespawn, this is what I need a goof constructive critique so I can look at how I can improve. Point 1/ I will create a new paragraph after the opening line. Point 2/ OK I will begin with Emily instead of she. Good point. Point 3/ It is 1946. In that era if the speaker on the other end of the phone had a raised voice, or the listener held the ear piece away from the head the two way conversation is usually audible (Historical crime genre here.) I should have mentioned that this was in Sydney Australia in 1946 Point 4/ Emily is the main character not Harry so she is learning what happened from listening to Harry's version, she wasn't a part of the Harry and Daddy scene so I want to focus on her innocence and lack of comprehension of the seriousness of what this phone call means,...she thinks it could only be about a 5 year old's birthday party. I am striving to build to this feeling....if I've missed that in 3 paragraphs, I'll look hard to see if I need to convey that mood in 3 or if it is OK to build it up though the page...I'll check that I have indeed done this. Point 5/ Leslie is the mother...this the first mention of her name...she is a medium size rot not major. It's Ok with me that you discover before the bend of the page that she is the children's mother, it doesn't have to be there in 3 paragraphs, focusing on the impending peril from the phone call and Emily's innocent miss interpretation and youth, in these paragraphs, Point 6/ Quote "Emily felt a momentary stab of jealousy." ..I don't understand this. Emily is excited that it is her birthday tomorrow.She isn't feeling jealous. In the next paragraph her exuberance is displayed in actions...only so much explanation can go into 3 paragraphs unless you make them huge. I will take a long look at the text and ask other opinions to see if any one else feels I make Emily appear to be jealous and that isn't my intention. I am well aware that when a writer writes something the reader may read it with a totally different view. As in me seeing young, innocent, exuberant, excited about a birthday and ignoring signs that something is about to go very wrong and you the reader saw a jealous child... When that happens things do usually need a re write even if the writer isn't sure what's wrong to begin with. I need to be quite clear. I'll go fix the obvious errors first, the earlier paragraph break and calling her Emily. I'll leave the Leslie as Leslie as it would be unnatural in phone conversation for two men to say, Leslie the children's mother, nor over dwell on who Leslie is at the start of the novel...then I'll take a hard look at if I have the 'mood' I am wanting to convey (about Emily) clear in this three (now 4 with the extra break) paragraphs. Thank you very much for your time and giving me some food for thought in how to improve my writing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 10:28:33 -0500

If Leslie is the mom, then you might as well just say that. Uncle Ian would refer to her as Leslie, but since Harry is giving his account of what happened, I think it more likely that he would refer to her as mom.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

xemmawhyx — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:44:19 -0500

The noise of fierce jeers made me snap back to attention. I peered around the curtain at the show and rolled my eyes. Marcus was holding a pack of cards in his left hand, and making theatrical gestures with his right. “With the help of my beautiful assistant, Elizabeth, I will guess your card,” he said. I looked out at the crowd. “Get off the stage!” I heard someone shout, and others soon joined in; forming a chorus of angry shouts. Marcus looked unperturbed by the noise, and continued to motion for his assistant to join him. If only I could tell him that there was no point in even continuing. His show would fail, just as it had on the previous ten thousand and thirty nine attempts. I’d been counting. “Elizabeth,” he said in a stage whisper, and stared out at the crowd. I resisted the urge to laugh at the disgusted faces some of them were pulling. The show wasn’t that bad. In fact, more than anything, it was simply funny. The look on Marcus’ face as he realised that they had stopped listening, coupled with the way the crowd always looked so animated and alive made watching them my favorite occupation.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

xemmawhyx — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:46:30 -0500

I think this is a bit passive, and it might be nice to include a bit of actions into it - add a bit more excitement, but I like it overall. Pass/continue: I would continue reading to see if the overall story interested me, on this short bit it is very hard to judge as it hanse't told you enough about the concept. Love the idea of personalities in the computer and what an effect this could have. "Grade" : B+

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 05:09:44 -0500

After the birthday call from my parents, I walk straight to the shower, and, still in my nightgown, I sink down under the hot spray of water and cry. I have a river inside me. A river I thought I had dammed up last year, but which broke through the floodgate when I heard the hesitation in my dad’s voice. “Happy birthday, love . . . How are you feeling?” How am I feeling? Weak? My nightgown clings as heavy as guilt to my body. I curl up into a ball, and rest my head against the ceramic wall, let the noise from the shower drown my sobs. A year’s worth of tears disappears down the drain as if they never even existed. Gone. Just like the man who, on this day twenty years ago, died saving me from drowning. I can’t even remember his face. All I know is that he had a scar on one of his temples, but other than that he’s a featureless silhouette. A hollow in my memory and in my heart. With next snivel, I accidentally inhale some water. I cough, and slam my hand against my upper chest, right below the collar bones.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

fni — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 05:22:40 -0500

1. Critique: If this is the first 200 words of your story, I think that you have started at an intriguing point, but that the prose is a bit confusing. I feel like I'm watching this through a drugged haze, because I can see the crowd and the stage, I can see Marcus standing there though I'm not sure exactly if he's standing with the back towards me or who he's talking to. Am I Elizabeth? I must be. . . Or? Why am I not sure of my identity. Are things going according to plans or is something terrible is just about to happen? You see, I'm in a haze. My suggestion is to try to make it a bit more clear cut. What's really going on? Who am I? Should I be worried about mine or Marcus' safy? 2. Age group and genre. I'm at loss here. . . It could be a thriller perhaps. . especially if something terrible is about to happen. Age group I'd say adult.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

giraffebreath — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 20:43:54 -0500

Critique: I enjoyed it. I connected with the story personally, meaning that you did a good job immersing the reader in the tale. There are a few sentence structure things that I would change, like "freedom. He cursed holy Haram," and "When the royals emerged from the palace, they were surrounded by a dozen more sharazi. A large retinue of servants followed close behind. They would carry the litters." This could be a personal preference, however. Another thing that bothers me is some of the word choice. I understand that the story is meant to read a little 'exotically', but I found some of the words to detract from the story's flow. They came off a bit contrived. Example: retinue. I also enjoyed the use of culturally significant terminology, but frankly, at times it could be a bit much (in the sense that I am only able to focus so long on a text where I can't understand many words). You might want to consider this if you would like to reach a wider audience. Favourite sentence: The frayed edge of his sanity would brook no more delays. Sentence I liked the least: The royals emerged from the palace surrounded by a dozen more sharazi and followed by a large retinue of servants who would carry the litters. 2. Genre and age group: Fantasy. Slice-of-life + fantasy, perhaps? And probably mid-teens to adult fiction. 3. Buy it or turn the page? I actually really liked it. Turn the page! I might buy it depending on price. 4. Grade? B+ or A- (I'm a tough grader!) Please know: I am only giving my opinion and I'm probably not more experienced than you are! :)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 21:42:54 -0500

Yeah, I'm not really happy with that sentence either. The "who would carry the litters" part is unnecessary and I'll probably just cut it. The reader can infer that they will carry the litters when they lift off the ground with Akad inside one of them :) Thank you for the critique.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:06:11 -0500

Let's just say this is about a kid who was born a ghost and made a deal to get a body. It's not, but the real story is even worse: I woke up early the next morning and ran into the kitchen to get something to eat. This was going to be my first sunrise, and I didn’t want to miss it. My parents had stocked the cupboards with all kinds of food, including lots of breakfast cereal. The television shows I used to watch had made mention of these, and always left me curious to try some. I randomly chose the box with a cartoon tiger on it and poured a heaping bowl. Saliva flooded my mouth in anticipation of the first bite. Apparently my new body was a big fan of food, and the cereal did not disappoint. I sat out on the back porch and filled my stomach with spoonfuls of the sweet and crunchy meal. The sun had just started to peek over the distant horizon, most of which was blocked from view by houses across the rear alley. Still, I could see some light creeping across the sky, which colored the ragged patches of loitering clouds with deep hues of orange and purple and red. Dew had collected on our lawn overnight, coating the deep green blades of grass in billions of tiny glass ornaments. I hadn't yet put my shoes or socks on, so I got up and walked around the side of the house to the front. An ice pick shot up my legs and into my spine on first contact with the morning chill, but once my new body's nerve endings adjusted, the feeling was amazing--cold and wet, peculiar and freeing. Blades of grass tickled the valleys between my toes, and if it weren't for our precisely manicured lawn and the tract homes all around me, I would have felt positively feral.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:07:12 -0500

Aw, crap in a hat, I meant to post this in the "three paragraph critique" forum. Please disregard.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:48:00 -0500

[214 words] Larken followed behind patiently as Irim babbled on and on, wandering around the shoddy excuse for a chapel with his pen poised over an open journal. Occasionally, with the intention of being obliging, the tip would descend and actually touch the paper as he pantomimed jotting down the tidbits that Irim spouted at him. It was a tedious procedure, to be certain. One by one he marked off a list of things that to him could be grouped together with a single word: irrelevant. The condition of the altar, constructed with thick twigs and brackish paste was irrelevant. The cleanliness of the floor, layered in a thick coating of sandy gravel, also irrelevant. His list spiraled at a drastic rate into a pit of unimportant despair after that, ending in a request for a short description of how the obese and socially awkward preacher was performing his job. Turning to him now as his incessant rambling reached its climax, Larken observed coolly the enthusiasm plastered on the man's face. Irim was gesturing to various parts of the room and pointing out how cleanly everything had been kept, despite what he kept referring to as “limited resources.” He wasn't unlike an eager puppy, hoping to please its master for the promise of a treat.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:18:03 -0500

Looks like you got skipped. I like it. Just a couple things. I curl up into a ball, and rest my head against the ceramic wall You might want to change "wall" to "tiles" to remove the rhyming (ball, wall). With next snivel, I accidentally inhale some water. I cough, and slam my hand against my upper chest, right below the collar bones. I think there should be a "the" or "my" in there, before "next".

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:30:22 -0500

Oh crap, I meant to come back and do yours after posting mine (below) in the correct forum. Sorry! But I agree with Banespawn on the rhyming issue, and with his feelings on liking it.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lylathewicked — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 04:36:39 -0500

To: TheAllegorist476 Critique? " Occasionally, with the intention of being obliging, the tip would descend and actually touch the paper as he pantomimed jotting down the tidbits that Irim spouted at him. " Seems a little wordy. By the time I get to pantomime I have to go back to he beginning to remember what it was I was reading. "His list spiraled at a drastic rate into a pit of unimportant despair after that, ending in a request for a short description of how the obese and socially awkward preacher was performing his job. " I feel this could be worded better too. If it were me I would put a period after despair followed by a little rewording. That is just my opinion of course. Genre and age group? fantasy, fiction? Sounds like maybe it's for young adults? Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page to see if it gets better. I'm not really sure where it's going. Grade: C (Average isn't bad.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lylathewicked — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 04:45:38 -0500

Critique? "After the birthday call from my parents, I walk straight to the shower, and, still in my nightgown, I sink down under the hot spray of water and cry." Wow, look at all those commas. I would reword it using less commas. It made me think "Attack of the commas!" This of course is just my opinion. Buy it or turn the page? Maybe turn the page to see where this is going.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lylathewicked — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 04:53:10 -0500

Critique? I don't have much to say about this. It's written very interestingly. I was intrigued by the idea of a magician's act going sour in an instant. I'm just curious as to why people hate the magicians act so much, I love magic! Genre? Sounds like it could be set in Victorian times. Historical fiction? Age group? Young adults possibly adults depending on where this leads. Buy it or turn the page? TURN THE PAGE! I wanna see where this is going. Grade: B (is for beast, meaning great!)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

lylathewicked — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 05:00:34 -0500

Critique: This sounds interesting. It makes me curious to find out why he's crouching in the shadows. Genre and age group? Fantasy. Teens/adults? Buy it or turn the page? Turn the page let's see where this is going. Grade: A (for awesomely intriguing)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:59:44 -0500

F woke, flesh crawling. An ominous dread filled his entrails, as he sensed he wasn’t alone. The aura, of eyes watching and prickling skin, had materialized; from motes of dark, suspended, gathered, around a face, a suggestion of body. F tried to move but he couldn’t. It was like struggling with a boulder. His body felt tremendously heavy. He strained, ordering his body, using all his will; a finger curled. F wished it hadn’t. The being, reacted to the movement. The mattress depressed. It crawled, hands-and-knees over F’s paralysed body. Closer now, F saw it was a man, unbreathing, a dead man. Pieces dropped off, returning to shadow-motes when they hit; rot and maggots. Sickly warmth, the smell of road-kill; it saw without eyes. Wake up wake up wake up. A dream, but his terror tasted so real – like blood in his mouth. The nightmare-corpse didn’t hold him, didn’t need that. It climbed onto F’s chest, squeezing him, slowing his breath. It hunched over, jaws parting in a puff of sulphur. F was suffocating; the paralysis had spread. He breathed out, for the last time. His lungs burnt. Chest refused to rise. His eyeballs seized. He couldn’t look away from the face.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

next.companion — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:44:14 -0500

First impression: A little wordy, but love the sense of terror. I was completely feeling it! Critique: I think a few places your eloquence got in the way of the raw terror you were trying to portray. I found it hard to relate to someone who felt their entrails when they were frightened. If you decided to stick with that imagry, I think you could still cut down on the sentence to make it a little more to the point. For example, "Dread filled his entrails as he sensed he wasn't alone." I love he idea of suspended motes gathering to form a face, but I think the sentence could either be cut down or separated into two sentences. I also had a few points that needed clarification. Is his skin prickling, or is the spectre's skin prickling? If it is F's skin, you've already told us that in sentence 1, so you could cut that for a more streamlined sentence. For example: "The aura (I think I'd prefer image) of eyes (cut watching) had materialized from motes of dark(ness?), suspended, gathered around a face, (forming) the suggestion of a body." I'd put a comma between move and but in the fourth sentence. I would cut the boulder sentence, and just say that his body felt tremendously heavy, almost stone-like. The seventh sentence is horror perfection. I love the idea of trying so hard to move and only being able to move one finger. That plays on some deep fears. Love it! Your second paragraph is even better than the first. Utterly fantastic, heart-pounding scary. Pitch-perfect! I do have a couple of nit-picky things that might detract overall from a brilliant word picture. On the ninth sentence, you don't need a comma between being and reacted. In your eleveth sentence, I would say the creature crawled, just to make sure there is no confusion as to whether it is the mattress or the creature crawling :) In sentence thirteen, you say "motes" again. While I love the image, it's a pretty unusual word to be used twice in two paragraphs. The last sentence is awesome, finishing off a great paragraph. I really like the wake up wake up wake up part, especially the lack of punctuation. When you say "a dream, but his terror tasted so real", you might want to make the revelation that it is, in fact, a dream a little weightier. I actually missed it the first time I read it. It might be stylistic on your part, but I think there should be an "it" between didn't hold him and didn't need that. The rest of the paragraph is perfect. On the last paragraph is fantastic, but because you said HIS lungs, HIS eyeballs, I think you should put his before chest, just for the sake of the flow. Also, I think I would shorten eyeballs to eyes. It just has a slightly more grave sound to it. Genre and Age Group: Horror, Supernatural, Fantasy? It's hard to pinpoint, since this is a dream. YA to adult. Turn the page or buy? Turn the page certainly, buy possibly. What F wakes up to would decide it :) Grade: 4-4.5/5 Great job! I was truly hooked by this. While horror has never been my genre, I am interested enough to see what F is waking up to.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:41:59 -0500

[quote=next.companion] First impression: A little wordy, but love the sense of terror. I was completely feeling it! Critique: I think a few places your eloquence got in the way of the raw terror you were trying to portray. I found it hard to relate to someone who felt their entrails when they were frightened. If you decided to stick with that imagry, I think you could still cut down on the sentence to make it a little more to the point. For example, "Dread filled his entrails as he sensed he wasn't alone." I love he idea of suspended motes gathering to form a face, but I think the sentence could either be cut down or separated into two sentences. I also had a few points that needed clarification. Is his skin prickling, or is the spectre's skin prickling? If it is F's skin, you've already told us that in sentence 1, so you could cut that for a more streamlined sentence. For example: "The aura (I think I'd prefer image) of eyes (cut watching) had materialized from motes of dark(ness?), suspended, gathered around a face, (forming) the suggestion of a body." I'd put a comma between move and but in the fourth sentence. I would cut the boulder sentence, and just say that his body felt tremendously heavy, almost stone-like. The seventh sentence is horror perfection. I love the idea of trying so hard to move and only being able to move one finger. That plays on some deep fears. Love it! Your second paragraph is even better than the first. Utterly fantastic, heart-pounding scary. Pitch-perfect! I do have a couple of nit-picky things that might detract overall from a brilliant word picture. On the ninth sentence, you don't need a comma between being and reacted. In your eleveth sentence, I would say the creature crawled, just to make sure there is no confusion as to whether it is the mattress or the creature crawling :) In sentence thirteen, you say "motes" again. While I love the image, it's a pretty unusual word to be used twice in two paragraphs. The last sentence is awesome, finishing off a great paragraph. I really like the wake up wake up wake up part, especially the lack of punctuation. When you say "a dream, but his terror tasted so real", you might want to make the revelation that it is, in fact, a dream a little weightier. I actually missed it the first time I read it. It might be stylistic on your part, but I think there should be an "it" between didn't hold him and didn't need that. The rest of the paragraph is perfect. On the last paragraph is fantastic, but because you said HIS lungs, HIS eyeballs, I think you should put his before chest, just for the sake of the flow. Also, I think I would shorten eyeballs to eyes. It just has a slightly more grave sound to it. Genre and Age Group: Horror, Supernatural, Fantasy? It's hard to pinpoint, since this is a dream. YA to adult. Turn the page or buy? Turn the page certainly, buy possibly. What F wakes up to would decide it :) Grade: 4-4.5/5 Great job! I was truly hooked by this. While horror has never been my genre, I am interested enough to see what F is waking up to. [/quote] Thank you for what I thought was a 'glowing' review. You're correct it needs lots of polishing. I'll take all your critiques to heart. Btw F wasn't dreaming. He just thought he might be and was trying to wake. I'll need to make that clearer before final draft. In the next room is an undead which uses demonic projections/illusions to paralyse it's victims to make an easy meal. Everyone in the building has been paralysed at once. It will make its way room to room. When it kills demons enter the body's of it's victims and reanimate them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

next.companion — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 19:33:09 -0500

Oh, you commented on my opening sentence and asked about zombies. I didn't realize that was you! Undead folks must be your speciality. That makes perfect sense re: F not dreaming. While this isn't is not my usual genre, I liked the excerpt+story so much that I hope to see it on shelves soon. Good luck!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 09:47:15 -0500

Only 67 words, but looking for feedback: Akad had only met the man a few times—lower ranking priests were assigned to the palace temple—but the High Priest appeared exactly as he remembered him. The shaved head gave him a wizened look that belied the smoothness of his skin. His robe, red rather than blue, clung to his powerful frame, and a black stole snaked around his neck and crossed over his chest. What is your impression of the High Priest based on this description?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Urby — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:38:42 -0500

Here are my impressions: * The High Priest is not very old. (He has smooth skin and a powerful frame. He looks exactly like Akad remembers him, but we also don't know when the last time Akad saw him) * The colors red and black suggest someone of action, though we don't know if it's a uniform or a particular choice on his part. They go well with the image of a powerfully-built guy. * The word "snaked" used to describe a priest or a priest's clothing may mean that the High Priest is a malicious figure. There's a little bit of suspicion here. Hope this helps!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 12:35:21 -0500

Very much so, thank you. That's exactly what I was hoping for, that he'd come off as a bit suspicious. I also try to give that impression by the fact that he shaves his head. The wizened look is an affectation, meant to distract from his obvious power. He is one of the main antagonists, but in book 1, it is not entirely clear that he's a bad guy. He is the main threat in book 2 and a larger (though not the largest) threat in book 3.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Urby — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 13:36:14 -0500

Personally, I didn't find that his shaved head would suggest suspicion, because I thought he might have shaved it as a humble or priestly act. There isn't very much information about the priestly order in what you provided for us, so maybe the High Priest differs from the norm and that would suggest some kind of evil. Even without the shaving hint, I think that a sharp reader would be able to pick up that this guy might not be all that good. I like the subtle-ness of it all.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Unique Universe Youth — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:11:49 -0500

A wise man once said “Introverts are the true extroverts.” I do not remember who said, and I’m not so sure what he meant with those words. All I know is that I felt them. You see, as a young man growing up, I was quick to realize that my interests were far from normal. My very perception of the world was rather different, really. While most people my age were conversing rather often, I, for the most part, avoided such things. The feelings I felt toward other people were, for the most part, of loathing. I was a nerd. My social skills were seriously lacking, sure, but that wasn’t the problem. I was different. I was unique in a way I didn’t even know yet. I was very far from being normal, and that may be a good thing, in a way. “Go die,” the kids at school would say to me. There is no exclamation point there because, unlike what is expected, “Go die” was not a very enthusiastic phrase for them, despite the implications. I consider myself lucky in that regard; if they had been more excited, I might have done such.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 02:21:08 -0500

F was behind the wheel of his truck when the sergeant called to him: “There’s a (Blank) in the hut. Take a rear window.” F did as he was told. Around the back of what was a shepherd’s hut, F dropped into a half-crouch. His hands trembled as he took aim. On the other side, the sergeant took cover, behind an almond tree. There was silence from within the hut. F guessed the enemy soldier was calculating his odds. Please god let him not resist. Tell him to surrender. F prayed under his breath. This was different from firing the AA guns. All you saw was a parachute or plane far away in the sky; even if they fell, you didn't know it was your bullet, which did it. “(Foreign words)” The soldier, surrounded, and without a chance, came out with his hands in the air. F would always remember the harsh look that came over the sergeant’s face at that moment. Had the sergeant lost someone near and dear? Did he just hate (BLANK)? Was he insane? F never found out; he never forgave the sergeant. Crack. Fire, and a milk-white puff of smoke, spurted from the sergeant’s rifle. The man fell, his chest torn open by the sergeants lead.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 02:22:50 -0500

[quote=Unique Universe Youth] A wise man once said “Introverts are the true extroverts.” I do not remember who said, and I’m not so sure what he meant with those words. All I know is that I felt them. You see, as a young man growing up, I was quick to realize that my interests were far from normal. My very perception of the world was rather different, really. While most people my age were conversing rather often, I, for the most part, avoided such things. The feelings I felt toward other people were, for the most part, of loathing. I was a nerd. My social skills were seriously lacking, sure, but that wasn’t the problem. I was different. I was unique in a way I didn’t even know yet. I was very far from being normal, and that may be a good thing, in a way. “Go die,” the kids at school would say to me. There is no exclamation point there because, unlike what is expected, “Go die” was not a very enthusiastic phrase for them, despite the implications. I consider myself lucky in that regard; if they had been more excited, I might have done such. [/quote] I dont really like the character being described. Its not that he is a nerd, or different, its that he sounds insipid and whimpering.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shaunchattey — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:08:52 -0500

Emancipation Computation - Very early draft. 'Sho your firsht day ?' the edges of his purple mouth curled up into an obscene'V' shaped smirk, flanked by high, twitching, antennae 'Yes it is' Fred replied nonchalantly, trying not to show his utter terror to his new boss. The room was filled wall to wall with robots refining ores into saleable metal bars and other usagages. Davis was his line manager, Davis isn't his native name of course, Pindari say this is because their language is too complicated for the human brain to comprehend. It's not though, it's because Seshquatsequelenia is a bit of a mouthful to pronounce Fred decided. turned to the perfect rows of working machines and reached down under his pedistal for a long metal rod with a metalic ball on the end. The robot on the receiving end of the rod let out a earshattering and alien screech. Fred cowed and bent double, covering his ringing ears with his hands. It was like the squeel of a dying pig combined with video static. Before Fred had recovered enough to speak Davis extended one of his many hands to Fred, crumpled on the floor as he is. 'You've gotsh to keepsh on their backs, be ever vigshilant, anyone who said robots worksh day and night with no resht or shupervision are damned liarsh.' He pulled Fred up so fast his feet left the ground for an few worrying gravity defying seconds. 'Roboshts are just like humans, no offensh, they take any escuse to shtop working. A fly on the wall is enough theshe daysh to dishtract them. People shay they contemplate the universh, I think itsh nonshensh.'.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

shaunchattey — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:19:47 -0500

[quote=shaunchattey] Emancipation Computation - Very early draft. 'Sho your firsht day ?' the edges of his purple mouth curled up into an obscene'V' shaped smirk, flanked by high, twitching, antennae 'Yes it is' Fred replied nonchalantly, trying not to show his utter terror to his new boss. The room was filled wall to wall with robots refining ores into saleable metal bars and other usagages. Davis was his line manager, Davis isn't his native name of course, Pindari say this is because their language is too complicated for the human brain to comprehend. It's not though, it's because Seshquatsequelenia is a bit of a mouthful to pronounce Fred decided. turned to the perfect rows of working machines and reached down under his pedistal for a long metal rod with a metalic ball on the end. The robot on the receiving end of the rod let out a earshattering and alien screech. Fred cowed and bent double, covering his ringing ears with his hands. It was like the squeel of a dying pig combined with video static. Before Fred had recovered enough to speak Davis extended one of his many hands to Fred, crumpled on the floor as he is. 'You've gotsh to keepsh on their backs, be ever vigshilant, anyone who said robots worksh day and night with no resht or shupervision are damned liarsh.' He pulled Fred up so fast his feet left the ground for an few worrying gravity defying seconds. 'Roboshts are just like humans, no offensh, they take any escuse to shtop working. A fly on the wall is enough theshe daysh to dishtract them. People shay they contemplate the universh, I think itsh nonshensh.'. [/quote] Removed 'fred decided' from the end of sentance. 'Davis extended one of his many hands to Fred, crumpled on the floor as he was.' Changed Is to Was. Sorry for the edit. didn't want people repeating revisions already made!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Cody McElroy — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:45:38 -0500

The old wooden floor creaked underneath the weight of my footstep. I froze, listening for anything to react to the intrusion. Nothing, only the quiet house greeted my ears. I realized that I had not taken a breath during this entire endeavor. So I let the cool dry air, bathe my lungs, when I heard it. Several things, that sounded like sharp claws could be heard dragging across the floor. Followed by the heavy thuds of its steps, ‘Thump, thump, thump.’ Drawing nearer to where I crouched. My heart began racing, the room in front of my eyes narrowed, fear and adrenaline gripped me in their iron claws. My breathing became shorter, while at the same time my chest ached with the pain caused by respiration. My mind froze, I wanted to bolt, to run to the front door, the thumping drew even closer and my heart seemed to match the rhythm of the footsteps. Then its icy breath prickled along my neck hair. While it’s tainted breath flowed into my nose, forcing me to turn and look upon my assailant.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 02 May 2012 20:02:07 -0500

[quote=Cody McElroy] The old wooden floor creaked underneath the weight of my footstep. I froze, listening for anything to react to the intrusion. Nothing, only the quiet house greeted my ears. I realized that I had not taken a breath during this entire endeavor. So I let the cool dry air, bathe my lungs, when I heard it. Several things, that sounded like sharp claws could be heard dragging across the floor. Followed by the heavy thuds of its steps, ‘Thump, thump, thump.’ Drawing nearer to where I crouched. My heart began racing, the room in front of my eyes narrowed, fear and adrenaline gripped me in their iron claws. My breathing became shorter, while at the same time my chest ached with the pain caused by respiration. My mind froze, I wanted to bolt, to run to the front door, the thumping drew even closer and my heart seemed to match the rhythm of the footsteps. Then its icy breath prickled along my neck hair. While it’s tainted breath flowed into my nose, forcing me to turn and look upon my assailant. [/quote] endeavour, not endeavor sharp claws could be heard, is passive drawing nearer to where I crouched, is a fragment Followed by the heavy thuds of its steps, is a fragment while at the same time, = as several whiles and whens exist, which dont refer to anything assailant, someone who is attacking, the beast is not an assailant until it actually assails him so many body parts are frozen in fear, I fear he would have been torn in half, before he had the time to finish counting them, as well as timing his heart beat and noting it matched the beasts footsteps, for some reason then the smell that made him look The idea you have, the picture you are trying to paint, is a good one. It needs to be written better. Here is a quick rewrite of my own. Its unpolished and not fully fleshed out with description yet but you'll get the idea: Everywhere I walked, no matter how carefully, the floorboard descended on its nail, the nail head rose, and a god-awful shriek blurted out my secret, over here, over here, now he’s over here. It wasn’t dark in the house I probed; it was gloomy, and dust hung thickly in the air and on every surface. I stopped at the grandfather clock, which had stopped. I would begin my search for clues here. The dust had settled so thickly on the clock I needed to wipe the glass with the edge of my palm just to see the numbers. I wiped it again, revealing red pine, searching for the latch to open its pendulum casement. That’s when I heard it. A crackling creak uttered gently by an upstairs door. The scrape of claws on wood, as my uncanny enemy descended the stairs.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 02 May 2012 20:26:59 -0500

In America, it's endeavor. Same thing the color/colour.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 02 May 2012 20:28:57 -0500

Oh my god. Why did I not preview that comment first? I don't even know how that second sentence happened.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 02 May 2012 21:26:57 -0500

[quote=Honeybadger12345] In America, it's endeavor. Same thing the color/colour. [/quote] Yes your're correct. I withdraw correction number one. Its just a difference between country's dictionaries.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 00:26:11 -0500

[quote=Cody McElroy] The old wooden floor creaked underneath the weight of my footstep. I froze, listening for anything to react to the intrusion. Nothing, only the quiet house greeted my ears. I realized that I had not taken a breath during this entire endeavor. So I let the cool dry air, bathe my lungs, when I heard it. Several things, that sounded like sharp claws could be heard dragging across the floor. Followed by the heavy thuds of its steps, ‘Thump, thump, thump.’ Drawing nearer to where I crouched. My heart began racing, the room in front of my eyes narrowed, fear and adrenaline gripped me in their iron claws. My breathing became shorter, while at the same time my chest ached with the pain caused by respiration. My mind froze, I wanted to bolt, to run to the front door, the thumping drew even closer and my heart seemed to match the rhythm of the footsteps. Then its icy breath prickled along my neck hair. While it’s tainted breath flowed into my nose, forcing me to turn and look upon my assailant. [/quote] its too wordy, and that interferes with the pace of the scene unfolding. for example, "my breathing became shorter, while a the same time my chest ached with the pain caused by respiration" can become, "I started hyperventilating, my chest ached". the comment about active over passive is dead accurate here. the best exercise you could do is re-write with a target of 100 words, and cut out all the dead words you don't need. seriously. this will force you into thinking about active voice and using a punchy word instead of a descriptive phrase. at the same time, think about other ways of showing fear: adrenalin rushes or shocks, the mental confusion like "what was that holycrap holycrapholycrapWTF was that" if I were editing this I'd quibble about "the room in front of my eyes narrowed", because I think you mean to say your vision narrowed instead of the room altering dimensions. or, "the quiet house greeted my ears" means the house greeted your ears, which is awkward. "the house was quiet / still / silent / dead / uneasy" works better. there are also several sentence fragments that don't look intentional.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 00:45:00 -0500

The summons came from Shreveport: the old monster was dead. An aggressive cancer did what the New York mob couldn’t. That’s mostly true. At the end he lay wasted, paralyzed -- yet able to undress, climb into a bathtub, press a .38 snub nose to his temple and thumb the hammer … so said his wife. Evidence of the misdeeds and felonies of his life lay boxed in a storage shed. The task of disposal fell to me and his wife’s son. We consigned to an oil drum blaze a collection of WW2-era pornography from his Navy days, correspondence to _________* spanning 20 years, payment records from and snitch reports to the Louisiana Bureau of Investigation (the mob should have tried harder); records of bribes to the Shreveport PD, numerically encoded bookie and loan shark ledgers, photographs unsuitable for the family album, cartons of quarter inch reel-to-reel tape, the minutiae of a life spent in the shadows. When a midnight thunderstorm doused our fire I sent the kid away. From behind a stack of National Geographics I retrieved one of the cheap leatherette notebooks I had saved from the fire: his personal journals. I began reading … ________ * Deleted by request of the publisher’s attorneys.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DeaMaxwell — Sat, 05 May 2012 15:08:58 -0500

Anya's earliest memory is her father, sobbing, as he hacks off his waist-length hair with a dagger and throws it into her mother's still-open grave, apologising over and over. Every couple of months, an acolyte from the temple rounds up all the homeless children in that part of the city to shave their heads. Brody's earliest memory is of watching a Sender's party set out, turning to his father and saying, "One day, I shall be a Knight," and his father clapping a hand on his shoulder and replying, "Of course you will, my boy." Brody cuts his hair off at the shoulder every summer. Niamh's earliest memory is watching the nobles leave the temple, their long hair intricately braided and put up, and her mother whispering, "Some day." Niamh has her waist-length hair trimmed every fortnight. Coryn's earliest memory is Brother Ewen telling the five assembled boys how important the Sending is, for the living as well as the dead. Coryn hasn't had his hair cut since he was six.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

goblingirl — Mon, 07 May 2012 17:30:43 -0500

This is interesting, and I like it! The only problem is that when you talk about the homeless children getting their heads shaved, I didn't immediately get that Anya is one of them, so you should find some way to make that clearer. Genre: fantasy, maybe YA Buy it/Turn the page: turn the page definitely, buy it maybe Grade: A

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

frenziedmythology — Mon, 07 May 2012 18:08:50 -0500

That's a little bit more than 200 words.... just thought that this whole first paragraph should go together :D Thanks for any feedback :) The wind blasted unmercifully into Eli's face as the fifteen-year-old young man sat with his legs crossed on the grass-covered hill, his eyes closed; a smile on his face. Golden-blonde hair came to right above his eyebrows on the front of his face, and to his shoulders on the back. He clamped his hands onto the green grass and felt the dew from the morning come into his hands. It felt good, and Eli liked it. He came to this hill every morning. Or, at least, every morning he could. His village, Pyunsbarq, was at war with King Carthia, who was trying to take their land, the very thing that he had wanted the old king of Ionia to stop. Eli wanted all the massive bloodshed to cease and desist, but there was no hope of him winning in the near future. He was not nearly old enough to take the matters into his own hands, but that was what he wanted to do. His father was killed in the wars, leaving him and his mother moneyless in the cold, hard town known as Pyunsbarq. Some people knew them— or at least were kind at heart —and so let the two stay with them, but for only a maximum of two days, never more. Then they would be sent on their way with a loaf of bread. But finally something seemed to go right for them when a family accepted them into their house for as long as they needed. Eli and his mother thanked them heartily before each going to their separate rooms and falling asleep.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 07 May 2012 22:43:26 -0500

For the most part, I do like the writing, but there are somethings I'd fix. Delete either "fifteen-year-old" or "young" in the first sentence. Having both is redundant, and does not flow well. In addition, it seems like you are referring to two different people when you say "Eli's face" and then "as the fifteen-year-old young man." That's what I thought at least until I read a few more sentences (so it could just be me). I'm also not quite sure if the semicolon at the end is correct either. However, I have never been too good at those, so I could be wrong. The second sentence feels a little...clunky, I guess. The "it felt good and Eli liked it" is again redundant. The reader can infer if that Eli liked something that felt good, unless he had a very specific reason for not liking it. For a first 200 words, the size of the paragraph is a bit overwhelming to look at. I might indent it at "His village..." I feel like this intro runs the risk of being an info dump. Usually, I feel it is best to reveal information like this throughout the first chapter, instead of all at once. Put some more action and gestures in between each tidbit of information. And yes, I will say this, "Show. Don't tell." You obviously have very well-thought out characters and a well thought out world, but I would like to see it. Show where he lives. Show the effects of the war. Show how cold and hard the town is. I began to lose interest about halfway through because you were merely explaining everything, especially because some of the information seemed a bit irrelevant to the current situation. Genre: Fantasy or Adventure I'd shelve it. Somewhat because it is a bit info-dumpy, but mostly it just doesn't seem like the type of book I would read (never been a huge fantasy fan) Grade: C

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 07 May 2012 23:41:00 -0500

Note: Some of this is supposed to be italicized, but...eh... I don't know how to do that so...yeah... For a moment, Lena did not respond. Stunned, she stood without making sound, without drawing breath. Her eyes flitted back toward the man leaning stiffly against a cold, blue Dumpster, next to the already-decaying corpses of three vampires. She stared at the face. She stared at the clothes. She stared at the blood. So much blood. Though it was dark, with not even a hot, orange halo of streetlight to illuminate the alley they were in behind Holey Doughnuts!, Lena could still discern something on Man’s chest. Right over his heart, a dark flower was blooming. Red, like a summer rose. It didn’t smell like roses though. “I… I thought he was a vampire too. I didn’t…” her boyfriend Jack muttered weakly beside her, the blood-tipped stake gently slipping out of his fingers. It plummeted to the gravelly, rain-washed street below with a hollow thud. “M-maybe he’s not… is there a p-pulse…?” Jack’s staccato words were drowned out by the harsh screaming within Lena’s mind, braiding into a string of noises. Oh god, please be okay. She knelt down onto the pavement, staining her denim knees with blood and grit, and hesitantly lifted up Man’s hand. Please be okay. Gently, thinking she might break him if she used any more pressure, Lena pressed her thumb against his limp wrist. Please, please, plea— Nothing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Illusionary Nothing — Tue, 08 May 2012 04:13:26 -0500

This is amazing. If this were the opening of a story, I would have to buy it. Fascinating stuff, pacey, great imagery. Issue - 'Though it was dark, with not even a hot, orange halo of streetlight to illuminate the alley they were in behind Holey Doughnuts!, Lena could still discern something on Man’s chest.' 'Holey Doughnuts!' seems like an irrelevant piece of information, as well as being completely incongruous with the scene. Snapped me out of it a little, and I had to read the sentence twice, as it makes it wordy. I'd just cut that they're behind Holey Doughnuts. Right now, all that's important is that they're in an alley and someone who is not a vampire is dying. Again, really, really good. Good luck!

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

goblingirl — Tue, 08 May 2012 07:08:40 -0500

Code for italics is with the asterisks taken out.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

goblingirl — Tue, 08 May 2012 07:09:47 -0500

Alright, let me try that again with spaces. <. em. > <. / em >. No spaces, and you have to get rid of the random periods my autocorrect seems to think go there.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Banespawn — Tue, 08 May 2012 12:00:45 -0500

For a moment, Lena did not respond. Stunned, she stood without making sound, without drawing breath. Both sentences say basically the same thing, but neither tells us anything important. I would cut them. Her eyes flitted back toward the man leaning stiffly against a cold, blue Dumpster, next to the already-decaying corpses of three vampires. Not sure why Dumpster is capitalized. Probably just a typo. "back" bothers me here because there is no frame of reference. We don't know where her eyes were looking before. It might be clearer to say that Lena's eyes flitted between the man and the bodies. She stared at the face. She stared at the clothes. She stared at the blood. So much blood. This is trying to be dramatic, and I can appreciate that. But the repeated use of "She stared" hurts more than it helps IMO. Verbs like stared, looked, saw, heard, watched, etc. have a tendency to distance the reader from the story. It makes it sound as though we are getting a second hand account of the story, rather than experiencing it as it happens. Try to show what she is seeing without saying that she saw it. Example: John watched as Jim's car passed the first turn. Jim's car passed the first turn. Because we are in John's POV, we don't need to tell the reader that "John watched". Also, say something about the man's face and clothes. What is it about them that she notices? What about them makes her stare? Though it was dark, with not even a hot, orange halo of streetlight to illuminate the alley they were in behind Holey Doughnuts!, Lena could still discern something on Man’s chest. Not sure why you used "Man" instead of "the man". I'm guessing "Man" isn't his name. If that's the way Lena refers to him, then that needs to be stated beforehand so that there is no confusion. I agree with the other reviewer that "Holey Doughnuts!" is unnecessary and distracting. Also, you don't need "they were in". It's implied that they are in the alley. Right over his heart, a dark flower was blooming. Red, like a summer rose. I like this, though I would change "was blooming" to "bloomed". Using "to be" weakens the sentence IMO. It didn’t smell like roses though. I think you can cut "though". The contrast is implied, so you don't need it. “I… I thought he was a vampire too. I didn’t…” her boyfriend Jack muttered weakly beside her, the blood-tipped stake gently slipping out of his fingers. It plummeted to the gravelly, rain-washed street below with a hollow thud. You've got a "Tom Swiftie" (muttered weakly). You could cut "weakly". The context and dialogue, along with "muttered", is more than enough to show the reader how the words were said. You don't need "below" in this sentence. It is implied. You might also want to use a different word than "street". It's already been established that they are in an alley. Using street might confuse the reader. Oh god, please be okay. She knelt down onto the pavement, staining her denim knees with blood and grit, and hesitantly lifted up Man’s hand. Please be okay. Gently, thinking she might break him if she used any more pressure, Lena pressed her thumb against his limp wrist. Please, please, plea— You've got a couple more adverbs here (hesitantly, gently). It's preferable to replace a weak verb + adverb with a stronger verb, whenever possible. If you can't find a stronger verb, you could also use comparison instead of an adverb.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:12:54 -0500

Ah, you recognized by adverb addiction. I know, I have a problem. I capitalized dumpster because it is a trademark name. Since it is genericized, I didn't know if you had to capitalize it or not, but I have seen it capitalized in other books, so I I did it just in case. I also did the "Lena stared..." thing because I was trying to create a sense of detachment from reality. Guess that failed. I'm also not sure about describing the man very much, because later on, Lena has trouble remembering what the guy looked liked. While she stared at him, she didn't process any of it, beyond his wound. The fact that she cannot remember leads to a very important scene. That's why I was a little torn over this matter.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:15:49 -0500

Thank you! I'm glad you were interested in it, because my former beginning scenes were godawful. Mostly it was because I previously started at probably the most uninteresting point in the book, before anything even happens yet.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:16:45 -0500

Anke put Nolke to bed to the sound of dogs barking in the alley behind their home. Despite the numerous growls and yips, the toddler fell asleep quickly, under the watchful eyes of his mother and the bow-legged mutt, Ratter. True to his name, Ratter normally spent his time stalking the house and storefront for all forms of rodentia. An adept at the task, the squeal of mice was more often their lullaby than dogs outside. But for the last few nights, he had lingered in her son's bedroom, eyes watchful and a growl at the ready should the strays outside grow too close. When she was sure her son was asleep, Anke went downstairs and down the corridor to the shop, where Roldan stood at the counter, idly rolling a jar of molasses back and forth between his hands. Anke tipped her head in silent acknowledgment of her husband, and sidled up next to him. Sitting on the stool in the corner, she asked, "Have we had any more customers tonight? Is it time to close up?" Roldan continued to roll the jar around but his look soured from boredom to weary annoyance.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:26:56 -0500

I'm definitely intrigued by the seemingly ritualistic nature of their haircuts. It's an aspect of society not often looked at in fiction. I couldn't really find a pattern of the hairstyles yet or what relationship these people have to each other and/or the temple but given that it's only the first 200 words, it didn't bother me much. The list-like presentation didn't really do much for me. Each thing read like a separate statement so it doesn't flow well; it read a bit like one of those logic problems you get in elementary school like 'Jamie is wearing blue shoes, Nicole's shoes are pink, Julie is not wearing green shoes, who's wearing the yellow shoes?' As such, it didn't draw me to any of the characters. But still, I think it has a lot of potential as long as each statement is expanded and there's more of a transition between ideas. Genre/Age Group: Fantasy or mainstream, possibly young adult/coming of age novel, age group for teens Buy/turn page: Definitely turn the page Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DeaMaxwell — Sun, 13 May 2012 07:07:04 -0500

Thankyou! The hair thing is definitely the main thing I wanted to get across, because this is the very beginning, and I wanted to sort of set the tone and give an idea of, at least, one of the main parts of the culture. I realise now it doesn't flow well - it looked a lot better in my notebook, but then my handwriting is huge.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

DeaMaxwell — Sun, 13 May 2012 07:07:58 -0500

Thanks! Yeah, I realise looking back that I didn't really connect those two concepts very well. (Correct on the genre, by the way! And it's nice to see you'd turn the page.)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:23:08 -0500

JANE DECLINED EVERY CUSTOMER who smelled like alcohol. She hated liquor on a man’s breath, though, that wasn’t the real reason behind her rejection of drunken customers. She knew He wouldn’t be drinking. And He was all that mattered. Jane’s shoulders tensed as another car pulled up. It was green, dirty, and bore a scratch on the right side. As the windows rolled down, she eyed the driver. The man was middle-aged and sweat beaded across his face, plastering dark, stringy hair to his forehead. Jane deduced he was the right age, and stepped up to the car to get a better look. “How much?” The alcohol stench of beer exuded from his mouth. He tapped the steering wheel anxiously, looking around in the car, out the window, anywhere but into her eyes. Jittery. Drunk. Definitely not Him. “Not interested,” she dismissed, and walked back to her spot. The man just drove away. She expected him to cuss at her like the rest of the customers she had rejected, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t even stop at the next corner where it was laced with prostitutes who’d say yes to anything and anyone for twenty dollars. Must have hurt his feelings, Jane sniggered. She didn’t have to wait long for the next buyers. Not unexpected for a hooker on Friday night, but she still couldn’t believe how many Johns stopped by her, dressed as she was. She knew there were perverts and sex addicts out there, but any person who was interested in her “service” was definitely disgusting and depraved.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:32:37 -0500

Yes this rephrasing was much better :-)

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:34:59 -0500

You have a unique voice. Personally, I wouldnt have the words so compact. Made it harder to follow.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:38:58 -0500

You are a very good writer. Kudos to you! Very atmospheric.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:39:40 -0500

Oh, and I have no "constructive feedback" beyond that. Grade: A.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AsbesdosMoth — Sun, 13 May 2012 19:49:15 -0500

He stared into the ancient glass, and saw only darkness. 'This.' he said to his men. 'Check this.' One of his subordinates approached the orb on the desk in the dark hidden cellar, his leather boots landed without sound on the stone floor. The underling tilted a curious head at the orb of thick, lightless glass. He reached out a hand to its flawless form, until the commander swiped at him, grabbing his wrist in a firm clutch. 'Don't touch.' The master grunted, 'Check.' The master released his grip, and the underling pulled his hand away acquiescently. 'Yes...Master Byzaht.' he replied, his hand retreating. He gazed down cautiously at the orb, into it, through its perfect construction. Master Byzaht turned his attention to his four other men, who held the housekeeper on her knees, blood ran down the slave's face, and her face had begun to swell, to turn blue. Slowly, Byzaht crossed the wide, dark room, standing tall and lithe over the slave, casting a long shadow. 'Pay attention,' Byzaht enjoined the slave-woman, 'I don't have any reason to keep you alive--' 'No master!' The slave cried out, 'It wasn't me! I--' Byzaht seized her jaw in his strong hand, turning her pleas into babble.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nkedwards90 — Mon, 14 May 2012 00:25:03 -0500

Sixteen year old Sebastian Harper had been tightly gripping a razor blade in his left hand for a while now – he couldn’t tell how long, but this event had begun around the time his mother left for the bar. That was at three o’clock, and it was now around seven. So far, his eyes hadn’t left his right wrist. It had stopped bleeding almost an hour ago, and the blood that had trickled onto the hardwood floors in the kitchen now stained his arm a brilliant red. Sebastian’s eyes tore through his arm and saw the deeper meaning behind this act of self-mutilation. Some cut their flesh in an attempt to “feel” something, their pretentious reasoning being something along the lines of “I am numb.” Lies. Pain was something no human being should ever have to take much of, but feeling numb was worse than pain. Feeling the heat of an open flame to one’s bare skin was much more satisfactory than to feel nothing at all. Numbness was worse than pain, but every human on Earth cannot deny that they fear the vile sting of the blade. It was instinctive – imbedded in our DNA that humans should not allow themselves to feel pain. So why was it that a “cutter” dragged a razor across his flesh? Punishment.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AlahraNadal — Mon, 14 May 2012 11:26:12 -0500

Hello! I'm not too great at these, but I see you didn't really get a critique. (sorry Forfatter, though I do agree this was definitely good) I only really had two things I could find: "An adept at the task, the squeal of mice was more often their lullaby than dogs outside." I'm not really sure grammatically, but should it be "squeals"? It at least sounds better to me. Also since we are talking about sounds, it is the dogs' "barks" or some noise they make...I guess people understant w/o that clarification though. Also, despite this sentence, you told us the dogs are barking now while mice are no where to be seen. The other thing was that I was a little thrown by the first sentence of the third paragraph. This paragraph relates to the first paragraph, making it seem kind of random after the second about the dog, which I'm not sure how relevant that was...Also, it put distance between you telling that the baby "fell asleep quickly" and Anke being "sure her son was asleep". There's nothing really wrong here, but it felt kind of...disjointed. Does the info about the dog really need to go right there? Oh, another thing, if this is the very begining, the focus seems odd to me. Is it terribly important to watch this brief trip to put the baby to bed, instead of just hearing her mention it as she comes down the stairs? If it is, describe it a little bit more. Maybe tell us about the room or let the mother look at her child for a minute...something. I know more about this dog than anything else going on. Also, are the dogs and rats important to the story? Is the child? The mother? I really couldn't guess. Idk, these are more ideas than strictly critiques and are very picky, but I hope it helps. :) Really, this is pretty good, I think. The sentences were clear and flow was good. I'd give it a B.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Jack Fisher — Mon, 14 May 2012 12:23:44 -0500

@nked... not bad. I'd read on, I've always wondered what the self mutilation deal was about. suggestion: the word count is 218 or so... cut this (heh) to a 150 count and you'll make it far more intense by weeding out the unnecessary. e.g., "..their pretentious reasoning being something along the lines of 'I am numb.'" you can reduce to "-- pretentious bullshit." especially you'll want to eliminate stuff like "along the line of". "Feeling the heat of an open flame to one’s bare skin was much more satisfactory than to feel nothing at all" is awkward and indirect. "Charred skin felt better than feeling nothing" shows how you can make the scene more visceral. and FYI, pain is something that we're encoded to react to, we might not like it, but pain is a warning that something's wrong. a human who can't actually feel pain (not in a metaphorical sense) is in serious trouble. .

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

nkedwards90 — Mon, 14 May 2012 13:59:39 -0500

Thanks, Jack. Oh, and by the way, your statement at the bottom of your reply is true, I referenced that in the second-to-last paragraph.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Tue, 15 May 2012 06:56:38 -0500

This one: The first time, he went into the pine stand along Jacobs Creek. There, standing on brown pine needles, among wide brimmed mushrooms, and blackberries, he'd shot a large cottontail. He'd gone out again, the next day; he stumbled onto the cottontail corpse. It was bloated, and maggots had already blown its eyes, lips, and anus. He still didn't recognize it for what it was. It was cool. For some reason, he shot the corpse again and promptly vomited. Rotten gas, sulfur and ammonia, poured from the bullet hole in its stomach with the noise of a deflating balloon – whirr-p. He was aghast. He saw. He took his brand new twenty-two apart on the spot, with the alum keys he kept in his pocket. He splintered the custom oak (it'd cost him extra, a lot extra) against a boulder. He left the remains of the stock there and ran down to the creek. He slid out the bolt from the firing mechanism and then tossed both pieces into the water. At home, his mother had smelled a neighbor’s tire barbecue, but when she’d said, ‘smell that smell...’ he ran for the showers and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Heres the other I need looked at Thanks in advance: He’d spent the evening in the TV room, which as it happened, possessed the only access into the ceiling cavity – a single square of wood, a white length of waxed-cord, and a toggle, for opening. Unease began to nag him and eventually, he didn't know the exact moment, it bubbled into his awareness that something watched him. He wouldn’t have said someone; it didn't feel like someone, it felt like a something. The feeling was amorphous at first coming from everywhere but the sensation grew and as it grew it focused. He would have turned on all the lights except they were already on, he always left them on; he was not friends with the dark. He muted the TV and was compelled to look up at the ceiling where the feeling – eyes on his face – was the strongest, this was the hatch. The instant his gaze touched the hatch, it snapped shut. It'd been open, just a crack; he was sure of that little black slit, surer of that little black slit, and the something on the other side holding it open, than he was of his own name, then nothing. Then something slammed the hatch, hard. The hatch dropped a few inches before snapping closed again. In that instant, that tiny space of the little black slit, he'd seen twin coals, burning. He wasn’t as sure of this as he was of the other thing, it could have been some afterimage burnt onto his retina from looking at some light bulb, but there it was, in his memory. What could he do with a memory like that; even if it was the real deal, so what, what could he do? He stayed beneath that hatch until morning, until mother returned. He knew whatever was in the ceiling cavity wanted out, and if he were to leave his post even for a moment, then it would be in the house with him, and he didn’t want that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Tue, 15 May 2012 07:03:53 -0500

[quote=nkedwards90] Sixteen year old Sebastian Harper had been tightly gripping a razor blade in his left hand for a while now – he couldn’t tell how long, but this event had begun around the time his mother left for the bar. That was at three o’clock, and it was now around seven. So far, his eyes hadn’t left his right wrist. It had stopped bleeding almost an hour ago, and the blood that had trickled onto the hardwood floors in the kitchen now stained his arm a brilliant red. Sebastian’s eyes tore through his arm and saw the deeper meaning behind this act of self-mutilation. Some cut their flesh in an attempt to “feel” something, their pretentious reasoning being something along the lines of “I am numb.” Lies. Pain was something no human being should ever have to take much of, but feeling numb was worse than pain. Feeling the heat of an open flame to one’s bare skin was much more satisfactory than to feel nothing at all. Numbness was worse than pain, but every human on Earth cannot deny that they fear the vile sting of the blade. It was instinctive – imbedded in our DNA that humans should not allow themselves to feel pain. So why was it that a “cutter” dragged a razor across his flesh? Punishment. [/quote] Hmm... The writing is fine. The subject is fine. However, you need to be a lot more respectful and sensative to the subject, specifically the line: 'Some cut their flesh in an attempt to “feel” something, their pretentious reasoning being something along the lines of “I am numb.” Lies. ' You cannot know whats going on in anothers brain so calling them liars and pretentious is very arrogant and nasty so if I encountered this, as it is, in any book, I'd put it down. You could have the main character telling another person he cuts because hes numb, and then reveal that the Main Character is lying about HIS reasons, that would be fine, but what youve got here isnt.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Tue, 15 May 2012 07:09:35 -0500

[quote=Forfatter] JANE DECLINED EVERY CUSTOMER who smelled like alcohol. She hated liquor on a man’s breath, though, that wasn’t the real reason behind her rejection of drunken customers. She knew He wouldn’t be drinking. And He was all that mattered. Jane’s shoulders tensed as another car pulled up. It was green, dirty, and bore a scratch on the right side. As the windows rolled down, she eyed the driver. The man was middle-aged and sweat beaded across his face, plastering dark, stringy hair to his forehead. Jane deduced he was the right age, and stepped up to the car to get a better look. “How much?” The alcohol stench of beer exuded from his mouth. He tapped the steering wheel anxiously, looking around in the car, out the window, anywhere but into her eyes. Jittery. Drunk. Definitely not Him. “Not interested,” she dismissed, and walked back to her spot. The man just drove away. She expected him to cuss at her like the rest of the customers she had rejected, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t even stop at the next corner where it was laced with prostitutes who’d say yes to anything and anyone for twenty dollars. Must have hurt his feelings, Jane sniggered. She didn’t have to wait long for the next buyers. Not unexpected for a hooker on Friday night, but she still couldn’t believe how many Johns stopped by her, dressed as she was. She knew there were perverts and sex addicts out there, but any person who was interested in her “service” was definitely disgusting and depraved. [/quote] I'd read on, def... However, 'there were perverts and sex addicts out there, but any person who was interested in her “service” was definitely disgusting and depraved' sets up a BIG EXPECTATION, so youd better not let me down. What is going on here? Is she a little girl, or is she dressed as an animal or something? In fact can you post the next few lines, I need closure.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Tue, 15 May 2012 07:12:49 -0500

[quote=AmaraReyi] Anke put Nolke to bed to the sound of dogs barking in the alley behind their home. Despite the numerous growls and yips, the toddler fell asleep quickly, under the watchful eyes of his mother and the bow-legged mutt, Ratter. True to his name, Ratter normally spent his time stalking the house and storefront for all forms of rodentia. An adept at the task, the squeal of mice was more often their lullaby than dogs outside. But for the last few nights, he had lingered in her son's bedroom, eyes watchful and a growl at the ready should the strays outside grow too close. When she was sure her son was asleep, Anke went downstairs and down the corridor to the shop, where Roldan stood at the counter, idly rolling a jar of molasses back and forth between his hands. Anke tipped her head in silent acknowledgment of her husband, and sidled up next to him. Sitting on the stool in the corner, she asked, "Have we had any more customers tonight? Is it time to close up?" Roldan continued to roll the jar around but his look soured from boredom to weary annoyance. [/quote] 'An adept at the task, the squeal of mice was more often their lullaby' Grammatically incorrect, youve just said that mice are adept at singing lullabies. I understand what you meant to say, this doesnt say that.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Tue, 15 May 2012 08:08:54 -0500

Therefore, the commandant ordered me to get it done, and so I cast about and named the twenty with the best pistols – because the higher caliber arms were not to be wasted – and we shot the horses each with a single clinical bullet to their heads. Of course, the wind changed before we were half done, and the rest of them suddenly smelt what we were up too and with a great neigh, they were off. The men opened up with the high calibers then, and killed most of them, though I expect a few made it into the trees. I do not know, I had stopped looking and instead was investigating, with the commandant, the entrance to the great warren of subway and underground rails we had discovered. Well in truth we had discovered them much earlier, marked as transatlantic, and unfinished, on our maps of this coastline, and had determined to find out if they were suitable for our purposes. “Bring the women and families” Shouted the commandant after we had poked around enough, and dragged open the great iron lids. Soon afterwards, we descended in three groups, the scouts and frontline, then the civilians, and finally a rear-guard of shock troops – they had guarded our rear during the entire march. The rear had maintained the most casualties of any other unit, which I suppose shows the sheer tactical cunning of our inhuman enemies. Then the last of us closed those heavy doors behind us, except a very few details of scouts who had volunteered to remain topside and provide communications and radio for as long as possible – two weeks later they were just gone – and we never opened that door again.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:20:53 -0500

Little girl. LOL @ animal... Despite there being many customers to choose from, none of them fit the profile: wrong ages, too fat, too skinny… and always drinkers. Minutes that felt like hours passed. Jane felt her body go rigid with frustration and the icy air. She wriggled her toes and fingers every now and again as a reminder to be alert and ready. She hadn’t expected for it to take this long as she was wearing exactly what He wanted, right down to the unorthodox pleaded knee-length skirt, tennis shoes, and white socks. Well, unorthodox for these streets.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:10:49 -0500

Sorry, I don't have time for a real critique (I may come back and do it later), but I just wanted to point out, in the first opening, that the description of the cottontail corpse may be a little...iffy. I know more about human decomposition than animal, so I could be wrong, but it usually takes more than one day for a dead body to bloat, even for a small animal. It really depends on the temperature. Generally, it takes a few days, but if it's cold, it can take even longer. However, if it is a hot summer day, then yes, a day can very well be possible. Also, often maggots have time to devour the body and flesh before it is able to bloat. Not that its impossible for one to find both bloating and maggots, but it is pretty unlikely, especially if you find maggots so soon after the cottontail was killed. Again, I may come back later for a critique of the actual writing. I'm just a bit busy right now. (But quick notes: what is the character's name, and also, the first intro seems to be moving too fast for the reader to process everything. It was too much telling—"He shot something. He left. He came back. He vomited. He randomly shot the cottontail again. The end!"—Maybe expand on it a bit more. It was mostly the transitions from each action and day that need fixing).

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AmaraReyi — Wed, 16 May 2012 01:24:55 -0500

Coarse rope chafed his wrists, tied firmly behind his back, but Theo was otherwise naked. This should have bothered him, and a long time ago it might have. But after months in the dark, in his underground prison, it felt good just to be out in the crisp evening air. “What season is it?” he asked the elderly man beside him. The man was also naked, and stared dead-eyed ahead. There was no reply. Theo dug his toes into the pebbly ground as the other prisoners were stripped and hauled out of the caves. The soil was wet but not oversaturated and the water held the memory of sunshine. Summer, then, or perhaps late spring. A uniformed man began shouting orders and Theo felt a rifle barrel in the hollow of his back. They began to march away from the caves. Rebels were always kept in the mountains, Theo remembered. He had a vague recollection that this was so they could be put to work in the mines, and he'd done that too many days to count, but he thought there was another reason. The forest felt old around him but the pines and spruce were scraggly and stunted. The cold, then.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AmaraReyi — Wed, 16 May 2012 01:38:15 -0500

Critique: You have an interesting voice here. It's to the point but also vaguely formal, in a way that suggests it's part of a report of some sort. Interesting approach. The one detail that stood out to me was when the horses ran off with 'a great neigh'. Granted I'm not a horse expert, but 'neigh' doesn't seem to convey the proper equine emotion for that action. Horses scream and I'm sure they make other noises that would fit better with that scene, though screaming or a close, plain synonym would work best for the narrator. Genre/Age Group: I'm guessing historical fiction, western, or maybe one of the -punk genres. Older audience. Buy or turn the page: Neither, but that's not your fault. It just doesn't seem like my kind of story. Grade: B

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 16 May 2012 10:00:49 -0500

[quote=AmaraReyi] Coarse rope chafed his wrists, tied firmly behind his back, but Theo was otherwise naked. This should have bothered him, and a long time ago it might have. But after months in the dark, in his underground prison, it felt good just to be out in the crisp evening air. “What season is it?” he asked the elderly man beside him. The man was also naked, and stared dead-eyed ahead. There was no reply. Theo dug his toes into the pebbly ground as the other prisoners were stripped and hauled out of the caves. The soil was wet but not oversaturated and the water held the memory of sunshine. Summer, then, or perhaps late spring. A uniformed man began shouting orders and Theo felt a rifle barrel in the hollow of his back. They began to march away from the caves. Rebels were always kept in the mountains, Theo remembered. He had a vague recollection that this was so they could be put to work in the mines, and he'd done that too many days to count, but he thought there was another reason. The forest felt old around him but the pines and spruce were scraggly and stunted. The cold, then. [/quote] Grammar: 'long time ago it might' requires a comma after ago. 'But after months' begins with a but. 'prisoners were stripped and hauled out of the caves.' is passive. 'Summer, then, or perhaps late spring.' is a fragment. 'Rebels were always kept ' passive 'they could be put ' passive 'The cold, then.' fragment. Style: 'tied firmly ' instead of using firmly to modify the tied, which weakens the who thing, replace tied with a simgle word that means tied firmly, like bound, or knotted, fastened, so on... This should have bothered him, and a long time ago, it might have. could be: A short time ago, this would have bothered him. 'and the water held the memory of sunshine' I dont know if thats possible, but if it is, or the character thinks it is, you need to tell us HOW the water holds the sunshine, or appears too. What does the character notice in the water itself that tells him there was recently (within months) more sunshine than nowadays. Much better off just stating things factually instead of waxing poetical. I know, I tend to do that myself, then I rewrite everytime I find anything a poet might say as just reality. Other than the simple gramatical errors you writing is fine and the topic interesting. Just like that nice piece you had with the dogs n mice lullabying the kiddies.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AsbesdosMoth — Wed, 16 May 2012 12:03:11 -0500

The chanting of ancient rite was loud and constant, incantation and curses screaming out manically in the blinding heat. Men and women danced naked and frenzied in the blazing sun of the desert, throwing their limbs around madly, grouped together like animals in a cage. The Shaman cut the throats of chickens and lizards, crushed scorpions into fine pastes against stone tablets, seasoned with poisonous plants that made men see the unreal. The dancers gathered to drink of blood, still crying their incantations as they gurgled it down, spilling it over the patch of dry rock that they had made their stage. Joyous and mad they danced, magic was in the air and in the blood. To a god long gone, they gave their fealty, reveling in the wonders of crazed, dark magic. Drums pounded and bodies writhed, jerking and screaming ecstatically as the magic coursed their systems, as one mind they arose to new heights to touch their god. At the epicenter, the Shaman sat upon the dust, bobbing his head up and down to the rhythm of the music, his grizzled hand crushed the life waters from a large spider, the blood falling into a fresh bowl, newly made for new ritual.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteRose101 — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:23:21 -0500

“Mother. For the umpteenth time: They’re Romans.” I’d repeated the same phrase over and over again within the span of the past few minutes. Had that gotten me anywhere? Certainly not. My mother seemed amused, if anything, by my efforts. What was I trying to manage with said efforts? I had not the slightest clue. My mother kept on walking with a firm step, not bothering to look back at me. “Yes, Sophia. You’ve told me before, and I will repeat, for the umpteenth time, that they’re also guests.” I crossed my arms. “They’re here to negotiate. It’s either they leave in peace, or they leave in war.” “Yes,” she clasped her hands together. “And how nice it would be for them to choose the former, don’t you agree?” I groaned. “Why are we even negotiating? I thought we had some sort of truce with Rome!” “I thought so, too,” Mother said. “Your father, though, insists that we strengthen ties and keep our allies close. The Oracle sees war in our future, my dear. We mustn’t risk having our strongest bonds go weak.” “The Oracle is over a hundred years old, Mother.” Mother made a swift turn down the main corridor. “All the more reason to trust his wisdom and experience.”

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:05:16 -0500

[quote=AsbesdosMoth] The chanting of ancient rite was loud and constant, incantation and curses screaming out manically in the blinding heat. Men and women danced naked and frenzied in the blazing sun of the desert, throwing their limbs around madly, grouped together like animals in a cage. The Shaman cut the throats of chickens and lizards, crushed scorpions into fine pastes against stone tablets, seasoned with poisonous plants that made men see the unreal. The dancers gathered to drink of blood, still crying their incantations as they gurgled it down, spilling it over the patch of dry rock that they had made their stage. Joyous and mad they danced, magic was in the air and in the blood. To a god long gone, they gave their fealty, reveling in the wonders of crazed, dark magic. Drums pounded and bodies writhed, jerking and screaming ecstatically as the magic coursed their systems, as one mind they arose to new heights to touch their god. At the epicenter, the Shaman sat upon the dust, bobbing his head up and down to the rhythm of the music, his grizzled hand crushed the life waters from a large spider, the blood falling into a fresh bowl, newly made for new ritual. [/quote] There is very little that needs improving here. The writing is top class and the subject, scene, objects, so interesting that I wouldnt mind if the scene had even more description and detail. Grammar: 'The Shaman cut the throats of chickens and lizards, crushed scorpions into fine pastes against stone tablets, seasoned with poisonous plants that made men see the unreal.' Something sounds wrong here. What did he season? If its a list then it needs 'and' before the last item on the list. eg: 'The Shaman cut the throats of chickens and lizards, crushed scorpions into fine pastes against stone tablets, and seasoned with poisonous plants that made men see the unreal.' OR (Unpolished example) 'The Shaman cut throats - chickens and lizards, for now - draining their blood into a pure-white bowl, which had been crafted from the skull of a baby, harvested while the bone remained soft and pliable. He added crushed scorpion, from his stone mortar - he was an expert alchemist - then he seasoned the unholy mixture with a number of poisonous plants that reveal the unnatural.' 'still crying their incantations as they gurgled it down' How did they talk while drinking? Are you sure someone can gurgle something down? See gurgle doesnt mean drink. Chug means drink, quaff, so one, but not gurgle. Gurgle is the NOISE someone makes while drinking something, not the action. This is known as VERB CONFUSION. 'Joyous and mad they danced, magic was in the air and in the blood.' This is two sentances, which need a fullstop between them, or a semicolon, not a comma. 'Drums pounded and bodies writhed, jerking and screaming ecstatically as the magic coursed their systems, as one mind they arose to new heights to touch their god.' Again, there is a comma where there needs to be a fullstop, or semicolon. In addition there needs to be another comma directly after 'mind'. I'll fix it here. 'Drums pounded and bodies writhed, jerking and screaming ecstatically as the magic coursed their systems. As one mind, they arose to new heights to touch their god.' 'a fresh bowl, newly made ' Youve stated the same thing twice. 'bobbing his head up and down ' Bobbing is an up and down movement, again youve stated the same thing twice. 'At the epicenter, the Shaman sat upon the dust, bobbing his head up and down to the rhythm of the music, his grizzled hand crushed the life waters from a large spider, the blood falling into a fresh bowl, newly made for new ritual.' This could probably be broken up, and shaken up. EG: (Unpolished) 'The Shaman sat on the sand at the center (insert whatever this is, festival, cult orgy, whatever), bobbing his head to the rhythm while he worked.' ALSO, this sentance sounds like it should be before all that other stuff about the Shaman, unless youve got two different Shamans. Thats it; I hope I got them all for you. I'll be sure to read your next one as I certainly like the imagery.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:21:03 -0500

[quote=WhiteRose101] “Mother. For the umpteenth time: They’re Romans.” I’d repeated the same phrase over and over again within the span of the past few minutes. Had that gotten me anywhere? Certainly not. My mother seemed amused, if anything, by my efforts. What was I trying to manage with said efforts? I had not the slightest clue. My mother kept on walking with a firm step, not bothering to look back at me. “Yes, Sophia. You’ve told me before, and I will repeat, for the umpteenth time, that they’re also guests.” I crossed my arms. “They’re here to negotiate. It’s either they leave in peace, or they leave in war.” “Yes,” she clasped her hands together. “And how nice it would be for them to choose the former, don’t you agree?” I groaned. “Why are we even negotiating? I thought we had some sort of truce with Rome!” “I thought so, too,” Mother said. “Your father, though, insists that we strengthen ties and keep our allies close. The Oracle sees war in our future, my dear. We mustn’t risk having our strongest bonds go weak.” “The Oracle is over a hundred years old, Mother.” Mother made a swift turn down the main corridor. “All the more reason to trust his wisdom and experience.” [/quote] '“Mother. For the umpteenth time: They’re Romans.” Mother is a fragment and should be connected somehow, maybe with a comma. 'over and over again' This should be replaced with repeatedly. 'Certainly not.' Fragment. 'I had not the slightest clue.' Consider what you just said. You dont have something. That something is a slight clue. So what sized clue do you have? Perhaps this could read 'I hadnt a clue.' '“All the more reason to trust his wisdom and experience.”' Is a fragment. Perhaps: '“That's all the more reason to trust his wisdom and experience.”' True people do talk in fragments, so its OK I suppose to have people talk in fragments in a novel. Just remember that its a novel, NOT someone talking, when writing a novel you already idealize (or should) the speech to remove things like 'hello' 'hello' 'how are you today' 'I am good. How are you today' 'I am also good' 'Goodbye' 'Goodbye' so id usually fix fragments rather than use them, unless I had some artistic reason to use fragments. Type, YA, Historical. Turn page/ buy. Neither. C Overall my main problem with it is that it doesnt seem at all interesting. It should be an interesting subject, but to me anyway, its banal.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

WhiteRose101 — Wed, 16 May 2012 21:45:55 -0500

I've always had some sort of problem with fragments. My train of thought is fast and a tad bit unfocused most of the time, and so I talk to myself in fragments. I think that's well reflected in my writing a lot. I'll look out for that more often. Banal, eh? Interesting. I'll see what I can do to make this sound more interesting from the start.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Wed, 16 May 2012 23:07:38 -0500

[quote=WhiteRose101] I've always had some sort of problem with fragments. My train of thought is fast and a tad bit unfocused most of the time, and so I talk to myself in fragments. I think that's well reflected in my writing a lot. I'll look out for that more often. Banal, eh? Interesting. I'll see what I can do to make this sound more interesting from the start. [/quote] Well Im trying express something, but it's not really banal, maybe it's the characters I don't like. It's important and interesting subject being treated by the characters as if banal. But I forgot to mention one thing (good thing) that really stood out in your writing, you didn't have even ONE instance of passive writing, it was all active, which is very good. Eg Sally was hit by the ball Or The ball hit Sally Yours is all the second example which sounds better.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

AsbesdosMoth — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:14:10 -0500

Thanks, mate, this is first draft and the use of words is really off, thanks for pointing out some specific problems. These are the first lines of the story, do you think this works as an opening?

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Thu, 17 May 2012 04:11:44 -0500

[quote=AsbesdosMoth] Thanks, mate, this is first draft and the use of words is really off, thanks for pointing out some specific problems. These are the first lines of the story, do you think this works as an opening? [/quote] Certainly it'd be a good opening. I like the idea of the Shaman sitting there in the middle like a spider manipulating all those fanatic cultists around him, it opens up a subtle but poignant question; what the fuck will these baddies do when they start to do bad things against the Hero. And they make you expect the Hero to be powerful enough to face them.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Jack Fisher — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:20:43 -0500

passive voice has its uses. the author has to know what they are and when to use them. slavishly following a "rule" is never a good idea.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Fri, 18 May 2012 17:09:21 -0500

This is in first person. The voice of the narrator is what gives us that personality. The fragments are fine for the narrator. Can they be overdone? Yes, but in this exerpt, they are not. Another thing that grated on me is that you attempted to rewrite the voice of the narrator again by saying "over and over again" should be replaced my repeadedly. It should not be replaced with repeatedly. There is a flow with over and over that is lost with the word repeatedly. "I had not the slightest clue" is actually vernacular and it is used correctly in this exerpt. It is always tricky to critique dialogue. Errors are allowed in dialogue. If I were writing the lines of a stereotypical pirate, I would not say, "That there is my ship." Instead, I would say, "That do be me ship." True people do talk in fragments, so its OK I suppose to have people talk in fragments in a novel. Just remember that its a novel, NOT someone talking, when writing a novel you already idealize (or should) the speech to remove things like 'hello' 'hello' 'how are you today' 'I am good. How are you today' 'I am also good' 'Goodbye' 'Goodbye' You are not talking about the idealized conversation. You are talking about the mundane conversations that people have. Your idea of idealization is a conversation that actually says something other than two people walking up to each other and talking about the weather. If the conversation has a purpose to the plot, then you had better put in their grammatical mishaps and foibles, else it is not believable. --JSC

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Aellio — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:47:51 -0500

My name is Denver Steven Zevil. I am Doomed, an outsider on the outskirts of this world. Surrounded by blind, deaf, criminals, the unwanted, the doomed. I should explain, I am from Rassor, a world sectioned into the Population and the Reserve, and the hidden Doomed. Once, I had a place in the Reserve, animals roamed in their terrains, my parents were record keepers. God, that sounds boring, but really it was the perfect job, the perfect life for me for fourteen whole years. Then he appeared, it was an accident, I was unaware, there are so many excuses for the first time. But things kept happening, fires sparked in the forests, citizens were terrorized, shops stolen from. All because of him, there was only so much the Guard could take. At age seventeen I became a doomed. I have lived with the doomed for four months, it is a prison. * For me there are no cages, just a sterile room, no knives, no matches, no weapons, only my mind working over time, my rant on a pad of paper. They tell me they do not read it. I know they do, I do not care anyway, it is the only thing that keeps me sane. Now, I know the Guard is only following orders from the Royal Guard back in the Population, and they are only following King Morrison and Queen Delilah’s orders, rules are made for reasons, but I can not help but miss George, my miniature giraffe. Yes, I have ... had a mini giraffe, things are different here than Earth, and yes I have heard of Earth. If you have not read Cyril’s journal of his adventure in Livre, well I have no idea how you found my journal. In a way Rassor could be Earth, but with a huge changing point. You see there was a scientist. His name was Edward Kingsmont, he changed the world as we knew it. Now, I never paid much attention in classes, but since my imprisonment here amongst the Doomed I have found out more about him, rules and reasons than I ever wanted to know. A bit more than 200 words. Sorry folks.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:52:07 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] This is in first person. The voice of the narrator is what gives us that personality. The fragments are fine for the narrator. Can they be overdone? Yes, but in this exerpt, they are not. Another thing that grated on me is that you attempted to rewrite the voice of the narrator again by saying "over and over again" should be replaced my repeadedly. It should not be replaced with repeatedly. There is a flow with over and over that is lost with the word repeatedly. "I had not the slightest clue" is actually vernacular and it is used correctly in this exerpt. It is always tricky to critique dialogue. Errors are allowed in dialogue. If I were writing the lines of a stereotypical pirate, I would not say, "That there is my ship." Instead, I would say, "That do be me ship." True people do talk in fragments, so its OK I suppose to have people talk in fragments in a novel. Just remember that its a novel, NOT someone talking, when writing a novel you already idealize (or should) the speech to remove things like 'hello' 'hello' 'how are you today' 'I am good. How are you today' 'I am also good' 'Goodbye' 'Goodbye' You are not talking about the idealized conversation. You are talking about the mundane conversations that people have. Your idea of idealization is a conversation that actually says something other than two people walking up to each other and talking about the weather. If the conversation has a purpose to the plot, then you had better put in their grammatical mishaps and foibles, else it is not believable. --JSC [/quote] "That do be me ship." That would be a mistake. Just because characters might talk a certain way, even in real life, attempting to copy accent or such things into a novel, as the characters speech, just renders it unreadable. If you dont believe me then look it up for yourself what the professionals say about trying to be faithful to how people talk rather than just using plain english everyone can understand. Imagine for a second if your main character was a pirate, and you had first person narration. Could even you remain talking nonsense mixed up sylables the whole novel? The pirate should just say "This is my ship." OR "This be my ship." As for over and over again, thats four words that say exactly the same things as repeatedly. You claim over and over has a flow that sounds better than repeatedly. I dont agree it sounds better but even if it did a novel shouldnt be about showy language, trying to impress with your words (Which this example didnt anyway), it should just be the story. 'rewrite the voice of the narrator' If the voice of the narrator doesnt sound right to me then I make suggestions on how to replace it, thats what criticisms are about. We dont put our stuff here to be praised, at least I dont, we put it here to be pulled apart from every possible angle and point of view and I expressed mine. Passive voice, I have never seen a use for it yet. The fact the witer above didnt use passive voice, not once, whereas everyone else here does, is a very good point in favor of their writing.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:56:31 -0500

[quote=Honeybadger12345] Sorry, I don't have time for a real critique (I may come back and do it later), but I just wanted to point out, in the first opening, that the description of the cottontail corpse may be a little...iffy. I know more about human decomposition than animal, so I could be wrong, but it usually takes more than one day for a dead body to bloat, even for a small animal. It really depends on the temperature. Generally, it takes a few days, but if it's cold, it can take even longer. However, if it is a hot summer day, then yes, a day can very well be possible. Also, often maggots have time to devour the body and flesh before it is able to bloat. Not that its impossible for one to find both bloating and maggots, but it is pretty unlikely, especially if you find maggots so soon after the cottontail was killed. Again, I may come back later for a critique of the actual writing. I'm just a bit busy right now. (But quick notes: what is the character's name, and also, the first intro seems to be moving too fast for the reader to process everything. It was too much telling—"He shot something. He left. He came back. He vomited. He randomly shot the cottontail again. The end!"—Maybe expand on it a bit more. It was mostly the transitions from each action and day that need fixing). [/quote] Yeah youre right. It needs a total overhaul. Now that I reread it it sounds like a summary of what he did rather than a story.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Kane Caston — Sat, 19 May 2012 02:07:11 -0500

[quote=Aellio] My name is Denver Steven Zevil. I am Doomed, an outsider on the outskirts of this world. Surrounded by blind, deaf, criminals, the unwanted, the doomed. I should explain, I am from Rassor, a world sectioned into the Population and the Reserve, and the hidden Doomed. Once, I had a place in the Reserve, animals roamed in their terrains, my parents were record keepers. God, that sounds boring, but really it was the perfect job, the perfect life for me for fourteen whole years. Then he appeared, it was an accident, I was unaware, there are so many excuses for the first time. But things kept happening, fires sparked in the forests, citizens were terrorized, shops stolen from. All because of him, there was only so much the Guard could take. At age seventeen I became a doomed. I have lived with the doomed for four months, it is a prison. * For me there are no cages, just a sterile room, no knives, no matches, no weapons, only my mind working over time, my rant on a pad of paper. They tell me they do not read it. I know they do, I do not care anyway, it is the only thing that keeps me sane. Now, I know the Guard is only following orders from the Royal Guard back in the Population, and they are only following King Morrison and Queen Delilah’s orders, rules are made for reasons, but I can not help but miss George, my miniature giraffe. Yes, I have ... had a mini giraffe, things are different here than Earth, and yes I have heard of Earth. If you have not read Cyril’s journal of his adventure in Livre, well I have no idea how you found my journal. In a way Rassor could be Earth, but with a huge changing point. You see there was a scientist. His name was Edward Kingsmont, he changed the world as we knew it. Now, I never paid much attention in classes, but since my imprisonment here amongst the Doomed I have found out more about him, rules and reasons than I ever wanted to know. A bit more than 200 words. Sorry folks. [/quote] This could be quite an interesting novel. I read to the end, because I wanted to know about it. The only errors (MILD) are grammar, which can be fixed with a little polishing. A few commas where they shouldnt be, and places they should be but arent, some full stops needed, maybe some semicolons. 'the unwanted, the doomed. ' should be 'the unwanted, and the doomed.' You always put an and before the last item on a list 'Surrounded by blind, deaf, criminals, the unwanted, and the doomed.' A fragment. 'I should explain, I am from ' Instead of a comma use a full stop or semicolon. Two sentences shouldnt be divided by a comma. 'God, that sounds boring, but really it was the perfect job, the perfect life for me for fourteen whole years. ' Put a comma after really. 'But things kept happening, fires sparked in the forests, citizens were terrorized, shops stolen from' Needs reworking completely. 'But things kept happening' Is a single related sentence, consider ending it with a semicolon. 'fires sparked in the forests' means that 'fires' acted, they sparked, inside the forest, whereas Im sure you meant the fires were sparked by someone, which then becomes passive, so rework it too something like: so and so sparked fires in the forest. ',shops stolen from' needs an and right after comma. Ok Im gonna stop there, though I noticed more grammer problems, and a few style problems, though none of them breakers of course. But overall its good, and Id suppose its your first draft anyway. I liked the ideas presented. But Ive got some of my own writing to do.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

J_S_C — Sat, 19 May 2012 08:07:31 -0500

That would be a mistake. Just because characters might talk a certain way, even in real life, attempting to copy accent or such things into a novel, as the characters speech, just renders it unreadable. If you dont believe me then look it up for yourself what the professionals say about trying to be faithful to how people talk rather than just using plain english everyone can understand. Imagine for a second if your main character was a pirate, and you had first person narration. Could even you remain talking nonsense mixed up sylables the whole novel? I'm not going to throw a long argument here as you will try to poke holes in it. Instead, I will just point to a piece of work that is considered by some to be a modern classic: "A Clockwork Orange."

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Forfatter — Sun, 20 May 2012 03:15:48 -0500

This was the place where my life drastically changed – exactly where I was standing, on this precise day. Neatly asphalted and surrounded by towering trees, it just looked like any other paved road in Washington State. There was no indication of its cruel past; absent of rubble and the trees stood tall, untouched. My face felt warm, prickling against the cool air. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and embraced the flashing, vivid sensations: bloodstained ground, smell of petrol and smoke, cold mist clinging against my skin, and an intense hollowness burning in my chest. I gritted my teeth, prolonging the recollection, hoping for numbness. The numbness never came. Two years later, the cavity in my chest was still as pronounced and agonizing as it had been that night. Opening my eyes, the images were replaced by thick green bushes, brown bark, and wet grass. The smoke was gone and my lungs breathed in fresh, clean air. My brothers often asked me why I tormented myself returning to the scene of the car crash. For me, it wasn’t complete torture. Here I was able to tap into my parents with such clarity – the freckles on my mom’s cheeks, the musky scent of my dad’s shirt, and the clang of their voices when they laughed – at least that is what I told them. And it was true, in no other spot could visualize them to this detail, but that wasn’t the main reason why I came. The main reason I kept to myself. Nobody knew that it wasn’t only my parents’ faces I tried to remember.

Re: 200-word Critique for Everyone

Aellio — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:41:50 -0500

Yes, in fact the whole beginning will probably have to be reworked by the time I finish this thing :P But thanks, I'm not the best with grammar and it was NaNo, I was writing fast. I did the sort of annymous approach with the fires and such because Denver's other "half" set them but he has no memory of this and to the townspeople it was very like the fires started themselves.