Three paragraph critique

By the way, If you want to post more than once on this thread with 3 paragraphs you can.

Memory Number One

"Mommy!"
The screech sets my throat on fire, but I don't care. My mother. My own mother. She's all I have left. They can't take her. I won't let her do this. No. No.
"No." It's as if my mother is reading my thoughts. "We've talked about this, Evol." Her voice is perfectly calm, at ease, almost reassuring. "In fact, I think it's time. They'll be here any minute now."
"Mommy!" The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen. "What if you're not useful?" I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. "What if they...they..." I can't finish the sentence. I can't think it. I can't say it. No matter how much I believe it's what will happen. The deepest, darkest imaginings in the pitts of my black life will be here, arriving at the doorstep in just minutes.
"Oh, don't worry. There'll be nothing to see. If they don't like my level of intelligence, they'll shun me away. They can't afford another death, Evol. The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left. They need me." All meaningless sentences, which we force ourselves to believe.
"Then why can't I be out of hiding? Don't they want to know what I have to offer?"
"Not until you're eighteen. Right now you still have a chance of growing, learning, existing." My mother, with her young age, bright green eyes, and even her prematurely graying blonde hair, will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living.
Gone.
"No, Mommy! I won't let them take you! Please, please no! Hide with me! Don't risk it. Don't do it." But my pleading is in vain. If they come here, they come knowing the house is not abandoned. That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death. If you run, they'll make it worse. If you attempt to conceal yourself, they'll announce the amount of blood there was on you when you died to your family. But if...if you come willingly, they'll go easy on you. Make it quick. They'll keep it quiet. Your family can then pretend that you were smart enough, that they took you to go live another life a ways away. I shudder involuntarily, remembering when I was seven and my mother had explained this to me, with my father's face buried in his hands, as we huddled around the fireplace. How dead her expression got, how she started to cry, rocking me in her arms. I had been frozen with indeciscion. When your leaders did not know which way to turn, you didn't either.
So pretending is what we turn to. Let's just say they got away, believe it...
But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets. But my mother?
No. They can't do this to her. We've been out here, living like animals in the woods for so long. Now they've found us. All vulnerable and open from every angle in our small clearing. And they discovered Mommy.
Old enough to take the test.

Ok, first impressions:

A little gruesome. Not enough to make me stop reading, but enough that I wouldn't read a novel that was this level of skin-crawling from cover to cover.
That said, three paragraphs was not enough! I reached the end and felt cheated. You hit enter about two too many times, I think. I would definitely turn the page to keep reading!

The one thing that stuck out to me as needing some work is this: afterimages are "seared" into retinas, even though they are "seen" on the inside of your eyelids.

From a second, more careful readthrough:

Pitcher, not pitched, and this sentence sounds a little stilted at the area I've indicated: "her ankles were torn and bleeding [from the metal that had] ripped them up." But that is me being really nit-picky and overall I like it.

Ok, give me a sec :)

I'll pick mine and post.

And I will respond to yours with what you asked :)

Erecura~

Critique: I liked it, overall. I feel like I can't tell you whether it's excellent or just good without more context. The transition from one scene to the next was kind of abrupt, but I feel like it would work as part of the whole novel. I also agree that there shouldn't be too many scenes with this level of gruesomeness. This is good, but often gory stuff is more effective when implied instead of seen. For instance, you show your victim the knife, you tell him how you've sharpened it tonight just for him, and the reader's mind can fill in what happens next so effectively that showing it onscreen is almost anticlimactic.

Grammar: In the last paragraph I think you meant to type "tried" instead of "tied". Other than that, although I don't think you have any actual run-on sentences, several of them seem a little too long to flow well. The third sentence in particular could be turned into two.
Grade: I'd give this a solid B for a letter grade.

Good things: Your point of view and character development are great from what I can tell. You communicate what is important to the character, and nothing distracts from that.
Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page. I can't tell whether I'd enjoy the novel's subject matter just from this, but I feel like there's a good chance.

First impression: hasn't been proofread, clumsy.

critique: minor problem: typos, but it's just post nano now so it's understandable. Major problem: description is too brief and not physical enough and your language is detracting from the scene and mood.
Run on sentences don't heighten the tension, and everything is distanced from the action and zoe experiences things mentally rather than physically. Make your long sentences short, and describe things physically, e.g. instead of, "The touch of the iron was the most painful thing she had ever felt," describe the pain. Also, you can't scream when you're out of breath so fix that, and run through for other innacuracies (I also suspect iron will burn red-hot not white-hot in an ordinary fire). The second paragraph is a different scene and it's easier on critics if you give them multiple paragraphs from one scene, by the way. But it also needs a lot more physical description. She realized she was shackled to a wall? How? Do the chains clink and does she trip on them? Can she feel their weight on her ankles? Again, she realised that her ankles were torn and bleeding - show the pain of them tearing. Also, in the next sentence, she touches one and her finger comes away wet - if she already knew they were bleeding, then why would she do this? Also, lunged is too energetic. I would expect Zoe to lie down on the floor and stretch herself out to her utmost, because you know she's burned and bleeding and chained in presumably heavy chains.

Grammar: Not an issue.

Grade: I don't grade, sorry.

Good things: Coherent and logical, from what I've read here it seems like the scene is well-developed in your mind. This is definite first draft status but after editing I would turn the page.

BlessedBklynite~

If you want a critique using the form above, let me know! Otherwise I'm just going to tell you what I thought of it, overall.

First, your dialogue is excellent, one of the rare examples I've seen of a well-written accent. It flows perfectly. It sounds like the characters are actually talking. Just because of that I'd keep reading.

The action leaves something to be desired, though. There's nothing wrong with what you have the characters doing, but it falls a little flat when you use the same sentence structure repeatedly. Can I suggest including more sound in your characters' actions? Tell us about the way Johnny's boot smacks Tony's chair, or the slam of the door and sudden gust of wind as Bruno enters. Talk about the low murmur of voices and sound of clinking glasses at the bar. It seems like a device that would fit well with your dialogue skill.

I can't tell much about the plot from just this, but I can tell you that it intrigues me, and for three paragraphs that's good enough. Good work!

Critique: Some of your sentences are a little choppy (e.g. "His father walked in right after that. He came in from the back") but it is well written overall. It is a bit dialogue heavy, but the speech is very well thought out.

Grammar: Good.

Grade: A-/B+

Good things: Strong sense of voice, it flows well, the speech is intelligent and purposeful. The relationships are also clear.

Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page, possibly buy depending on the overall plot!


Also, I think I read your opening in another forum post, and I really love this part - it's SO much stronger :)

I agree with Dani, but only by a little bit. You have a gift, and yours is dialogue. Many people are really bad with dialogue, so they fluff up their books with useless description so that you're paying more attention to the picture that they're painting rather than their shortcomings in dialogue.

Here is where I differ. When you're dealing with certain areas of the country and similar backgrounds/environments, it's not always necessary to have to change the way that your characters speak. Case in point - I'm a girl from the North, but I've spent some time in the South. As a result, there is a tendency for many people to speak exactly the same way. Sometimes, the only way that you can tell that these are different people is because of their voice. I've heard that it is similar in areas like Brooklyn (from a relative that resided in Bed-Stuy, though). One thing you will also have to do is remain true to your character and remain realistic. My belief is that you should NOT water this exchange down with needless description - that's often what makes me abhor a lot of authors and it kills the mood of a scene when someone is doing something asinine like going into the thought of a character while a detailed dialogue is going on.

This is also a damn sight stronger than your paragraph. This is excellent.

GRADE: A
PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: I would turn the page, and this would become a potential purchase.
GENRE: Possibly mainstream.

First impression: Very choppy, feels rushed. Seems to be part of a fairly intricate plot, albeit not a genre I'd read (crime drama?)

Critique: Minor problems: The barkeep is a silent actor here. Either get rid of him and make them pour their own cognac, or make him do something significant (then again, I don't know what came before this so maybe he does have some purpose). Major problems: Language is too choppy, too many dialogue tags, and the writing is simple and brief while the dialogue is lengthy - that could be a stylistic thing though, and you can make that work.Go through everything that isn't dialogue (or dialogue tags) and smooth it out. E.g. Johnny kicked at Tony's chair as his dad came through the back door, rather than "Johnny kicked the chair that Tony used. His father walked in right after that. He came in from the back." Also, way too many dialogue tags. Get rid of them wherever they aren't absolutely neccessary. This is a conversation between two people so there really shouldn't be many of them. Bruno asked his son... answered his son coming straight after each other is just too much tag.

Grammar: Okay, but not great. E.g. "the chair that Tony used" should be "the chair that Tony had used.

Good things: Dialogue. It's carrying the plot at the moment, and even though I don't know the details of the plot, I'm pretty sure it's doing it well. A few points seemed stiff to me, e.g. W...Where did you come from? I'd just have "Where did you come from?" because I dislike elipses unless absolutely neccessary. but for the most part, good.

You've got lots of good feedback here, so I'm just going to be the jerk and point out that this is 15 paragraphs. Not 3. If you're planning on doing something with this, you should probably get a handle on where paragraphs actually start and end, or your editor is going to want to kill you. ;)

I'm really not sure how to take this. It reads something like a fairy tale/fable/epic poem but the subject matter isn't. For the first paragraph you're just rushing onwards and describing this happened, that happened, and then that happened. Same as the second paragraph. They need description, to me. Also, you seem to change perspectives too rapidly, between Nyota and Ashuton. It's confusing.

Last paragraph you begin to infodump.

As I said, I'm not sure how to read this so I don't think I can critique it fairly, but if I was going to read this, I'd need a lot more show and a lot less tell.

Not used to critiquing .. but here goes:

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed)

Overall, I liked it. It needs some polish. For example, I'd like more feelings from Edward - not just tried to flee .... lost his footing and fell .... stared up at the demon ... I want to feel his desperation, his terror - and then the relief as Orr saves him!

Some notes:
Orr stepped over Edward without a second thought
As I'm in Edward s POV .. he wouldn't know what Orr is thinking or not thinking...

Yet the Englishman’s brawling style of swordplay was nothing to compare with the Frenchman’s easy, trained movements.
This feels like an outsider's POV, would Edward describe himself as "the Englishman"?

Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well)
Nope, not going to comment on grammar since English is my second language and I might be as wrong myself =)

Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades)
Ummm .... 3, very close to 4, I think

Good things: (please include this)
When Edward lost his footing and fell to the deck, the man was over him in an instant. He put his foot just under Edward’s ribs and raised his sword to strike the killing blow.
This! And the last part is also very good.

Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?)
I'm not so interested so I would buy it after just this look, but I like it enough to turn the page =)

Critique: The sentence "...he thanked all lucky stars that he hand't Vipolior or Cazid within reach" doesn't make sense to me - are they people? I also thought some of the sentences were too compounded - " If he hadn't forgot the scriptcase he'd meant to take with him and had had to go back to fetch it, he would have been gone when Akir rushed in", for instance. I really liked the thrid paragraph - I want to find out more!

Grammer: Pretty good - a few errors that made some of the sentences harder to read than they could be, but it is readable.

Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades)

Good things: The paragraphs are a good length, the end paragraph is very good."He only knew far too well what could, and did, happen with slave girls at some of the parties wealthy young men arranged" is very suggestive!

Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page.

Hi!
I liked this; the beginning was confusing despite making sense, and it had a WTF factor that, in context, probably makes sense. The lion made me sad, but that's good since it proves that you can stir up some good emotion!
My only issue is the sudden scene change - it may be necessary but I think that there's a more subtle way of transitioning from one scene to another. Maybe just something little like closing their eyes, looking at something, just a little transition scene. Also the one line about "who would do such a thing?" was a little complex despite it making sense, maybe cut this into two sentences?

Grammer: Pretty good
Grade: 4/5, 1 being poor
Good things: It made some emotion stir in me; the first paragraph is so powerful that it really captures your attention wondering what happened!
Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Probably turn the page to see how gory the rest might be, and then buy. (Just cos too much gore isn't my thing).

First impression: Oooooh playful writing!

Critique: Minor problems: too many brackets, keep them for humorous/ironic effect, not for every sentence, and their impact will be stronger. Also, 'who could do something horrific' is very similar to 'who could hurt such a beautiful creature?' Hurting beautiful things is horrific, generally. And there's no need to have a full stop after ?"
Major problems: Not many, really. It needs a bit of smoothing down, there a couple of redundancies, e.g. "only inclined his head briefly towards me, barely registering my presence". Sentence structure could be more variable I think. Minor problem: "I looked in the mirror and didn’t instantly recognise my face, my eyes having been replaced into the face of someone who wasn’t about to make everything a whole lot worse" I really like this sentence but it needs smoothing down.

Grade: I don't grade.

Grammar: pretty good.

good things: interesting, got a unique voice, and fairly well-written. I really liked it.

buy, turn, shelve - I'd read on a bit and then I'd probably buy.

Your chapters are very good - i'm presuming you've already edited them? If not, they are very well written.

Grammar: Good
Grade: 4.5/5, 1 being poor
Good things: The reader feels sympathy for the boy, and strong characters are created in a very short space of time. The passage starts strongly, and there aren't any unnecessary words.
Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Turn the page, possibly buy depending on the overall plot. It sounds exciting already!

Critique:
The first paragraph grabbed me, but I started losing it by the third. For me as a reader, emotion and motivations as a character, help me relate to the character and make me want to know his/her story. I felt like you did a good job grabbing, but I got lost halfway.

The transition from being admonished by his parents to leaving the manor could be stretched out a bit or made more clear. It might have been just me, but I had to read it 3 times to understand what had happened. Maybe he could reflect on these thoughts, so we have an idea of his mindset, his reaction to these actions? Is this normal? How is he affected by this?

Following that the imagery is powerful again. Though I was jolted that it was suddenly night. For me it was too sudden, and I didn't feel much of a sense of time passing, which could have been what you were going for. But other than shadow, there wasn't much sense of night, which made me wonder why did these parents let their child wander into the night? Just some things you can think about when building characters.

I thought the scene between Merrill and the horse was done well. The only issue I have again, is that the characters seem lifeless in the telling. It's hard to judge from what little is shown, but it feels like this boy could have a lot to say. You could do a lot with explaining some of the inner workings of his mind. What drew him to the horse? Was it just a distraction? Why does he want to touch the horse? Just a couple of thoughts when reading your work that I personally thought could help bring it more to life.
Grammar: I didn't see any problems
Grade: 4, 1 being poor
Good things: Stated in critique I believe.
Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page at least.

First impression: oh god no, abusive parents.

Minor problems: You will lose a LOT of readers by starting out with a story of abusive parents, because either they will feel instant sympathy for the character or instant contempt for the writer. I strongly advise you to show a character's personality before you show that their parents were abusive, not to mention, you're painting the parents as nasty people when they could be distracted or dealing with more important issues than an annoying kid. Greyscale is more interesting than black and white. Oh, and I've never seen a horse with ebony hooves. They tend to be dark grey, dirty, and dull. Major problems: Not many. The word-choices aren't always perfect and the language can be a bit stilted, but this is a rough draft so that's expected. Also, dialogue feels a bit iffy to me.

Good things: coherent and grammatical.

Buy, turn, shelve: I'd shelve this because it starts out with abusive parents and a prologue that shows the main character as a toddler when I'd only care about him as an adult. If these paragraphs were from another section of the story, I'd probably turn the page though.

Critique:
I was immediately drawn in. Delia has a very captivating voice and so far a very interesting story to tell. I loved learning about the Flyhorns and you set up a very interesting community for me to imagine. Your characters, so far, are interesting, and have set up several conflicts in very few paragraphs. The community you developed I thought was an interesting one, and I feel this could develop into a very interesting story. Well done.

There were a few tense inconsistencies, that I noted, but none that bothered me. I'm sorry I wasn't helpful with any technical critiques as there was nothing about these paragraphs that really bothered me. I would only caution to make sure that Delia keeps her voice, and continue that consistency throughout the story. (Not saying you won't and she'll become a Mary-Sue, but the best critical advice I can give at the moment.)

Grammar: clouds 'float' to 'floated' (tense consistency) didn't catch much else
Grade: 4
Good things: -noted above-
Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I would turn the page and maybe buy ;)

First impression: strong start, bland continuation.

Minor problems: Naturally, first-draft, needs smoothing out. Major problems: this is an introduction, yeah? The first paragraph is great. The second and third devolve into infodump. Also - I was cast out my community - and - I will marry a son from the community when I am of age - contradiction. It makes me confused as to where Delia's telling this story from - has everything already happened or is it just about to? I am incredibly biased against this kind of exposition beginning, but I would much prefer something where like, the Flyhorn come into town and Delia runs off to meet them even though the rest of the community are all like, "What are you doing Delia? You're not a kid anymore; you don't have the time to listen to their stories". Action. Also, from what you've written here, I'm beginning to get an idea of what the plot might be, which isn't good this early in the book. Even if I'm mistaken, I think you're giving a bit too much away too soon.

Grammar: pretty good.

Good things: nice first paragraph, very coherent and readable, solid voice, and looks like a pretty interesting setting. I also like that the MC is attached to her mum, because it throws in a small conflict, and because I'm sick of reading about selfish characters.

Buy, turn, shelve: I suspect this book isn't for me, but I'd turn the page to check.

Damn I copy and pasted without pressing enter. Sorry. Hope the paragraphs are still distinguishable. If not I can repost.

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) One of the things I've learned on this topic and the one where you can only post 200 words is it's often hard to figure out the big picture of the story. For me this is the case with yours. I really don't have much to offer in the way of a critque because there's not a lot going on in the few paragraphs you've shared. I don't have a sense of location or of your characters and I feel as though I've story walked in on the middle of something bigger, perhaps something even "world changing" if you know what I mean. I get a strong sense that an epiphany for your MC is on the horizon but I just don't know.

Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) I'm not a thesaurus or a dictionary. There are a few sentences in your writing that are a little long for me and some that are short. I think overall it works and I have a feeling that you were actually looking to acheive this effect. The shortened sentences aren't random by any means.

There's really only one sentence that trips me up when I read and I'm not sure why exactly. "My memory was a blank, by and large, and I was speaking to a man I knew to be dead in a place I knew to have been destroyed."

Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) I'd give this a B+ with A- potential

Good things: (please include this): Again it's so hard to just start reading somewhere in the middle. I feel a sadness coming from the first paragraph, almost a sense of despair but I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm way off. From your MC I feel a sense of relief almost coming from them. Your third paragraph has a wonderful selection of imagery to try and elicit emotion from me (your reader). It's nicely done and not over done.

Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?)
I would certainly turn the page. It's hard to say if I would buy the book simply because I don't have a lot to go on at the moment. If I did like what I read, it would be a possibility.

Good stuff:
I like it. I'm interested and nothing pulls me out of the narrative. Based on this and your 200 words excerpt I'd probably read your book. If it had a good blurb I'd probably buy it :)

Critique / Grammar (because your work is good enough that I have little to say except about grammar):
Some of your wording could be punched up a bit. It's most obvious in the second paragraph. I like the sentences you've got, especially the one about candy, but I think reordering them would make it flow more smoothly. "Her Aunt had rules for surviving childhood" seems like it would be stronger to me, or even just "According to her Aunt there were rules for surviving childhood." As it stands you need commas around the subordinate clause (that's probably the wrong name) "according to her Aunt".

I don't know your character, but just from what I get in this bit I don't think she should say "And you know it's working..." If she doesn't like to show weakness then leaving it at "It's a nice trick..." would do the job better.

Grade blah blah blah: I like it, like I said. If the plot blurb sounds neat I'd buy it.

Damn, I forgot to hit reply directly under your post...

First impression: well written, modern, the guy seems like a dick - and since this is from teh girl's perspective that's a good thing.

Crit: minor problems: he clarifies, continuing unmercifully. Either, he clarifies. Continuing unmercifully, "dhadsg or he clarifies. "Souah. I prefer just he clarifies. Khet, you know, - is this the girl, or his boyfriend? I can't tell, but if it's the boyfriend the full stop needs to be a hyphen or something. "She ignores the strange comment, continuing to eat, wondering if this man just wants to get onto the heterosexual floor, or if he wants to get onto the heterosexual floor with her" reword smoother, I dislike contuing..., wondering.... straight after each other. Either start a new sentence with her wondering or her thoughts or put an and between. I think switching straight to her thoughts has more impact, e.g. Does this man just want to... but I don't know if you're writing thoughts directly into narrative. "The silent hint" just the hint is probably better. 'Repeats his request again' repeat and again = redundancy. She nicely replies - politely? noting an invitation... this seems a bit too quick to note. She should give him the chance to ask before scorning him like this. Major problems: none :)

good things: I think it's great. I'm getting a clear sense of both personalities through just this tiny bit of dialogue, and it's very smoothly written. To my eyes, it really just needs some tweaking of the minutiae.

grammar: good.

buy, turn, shelve: I'd turn the page - not having a summary I don't know if I'll actually like the story, but I like the writing at least.

Thank you for the critique.

Not only did you pick the very sentence I have been having trouble with, I didn't realize I tend to overuse "you know." I'm going to watch for it elsewhere.

I appreciate the help. : )

haha ok.. so I had used <.i.>this withouth the dots<./.i.> but it dissapeared.. Thoughts are in italics

I like it! Few thoughts:
-Generally, I find it more productive to see ellipses (...) with just three dots. It seems more professional.
-The semicolon was misplaced because after the ; was a fragment. If you added "she" it could work.
-You changed tenses with the open and close line. Pick opened or opening, but don't use both.
-I disliked the transition "After it". You might want to consider changing that.

Grade: C. 80/100, mostly for grammatical issues

Turn the page? Maybe, once those nitpicky errors are corrected :)

Haha cool. I really love your writing and the way you build suspense. Lui's shoulder is awesome, and I love the body as well as Laura's reaction to it. :) Again, though, a few things to consider. "The was air cold" should be "the air was cold." I suspect that you made this mistake because your brain corrected for what it should be. To avoid this kind of problem, read your writing out loud.

Also, I don't think that the black void invaded Laura. If it did, I think this sentence needs to be clearer, but the sentence is not so distracting that I would stop reading to correct it in my mind. I also have trouble picturing the car doors opening and closing. What exactly is going on here? If two doors opened at the same time, then that needs to be stated.

I really like the way you punctuated around the body and the fact that you described that it was warm. I'm not sure what the rasping sound of metal against the asphalt is about- does the reader? Is he supposed to know?

Finally, are you still looking for beta readers? I must admit that I'm kind of hooked on your style. :)

first impression: messy and confused.

crit: minor problems: elipses = three dots. No more, no less. Laura screamed, slamming on the breaks. Laura sighed and stopped the car. Pick one. Screw this... no. Screw this! elipses lack force. She slammed the door shut as hard as she could - too wordy for something so simple. She slammed the door as hard as she could. She slammed the door (shut). That description of the street is a bit flat. Give it more pep and vary the structure or pare it down to its essence - that the street is dark and deserted. "Exhausted, she sank down next to the car, burying her face in her hands." Doesn't really work because you've got two consecutive actions to the main clause. Try: Exhausted, she sank down next to the car, and buried her face in her hands. She sank down next to the car, burying her face tiredly in her hands. Look, I'd just cut the exhausted, because bury face in hands is stronger. But also, the exhausted jars me a bit because she's just been slamming doors and screaming. Maybe if it was suddenly exhausted, it would fit better. "No thoughts invaded, just an empty black void" I don't get this. Major problems: it needs rewording and refining, as pointed, but it's pretty good. Your language tends to contrast the mood you're trying to evoke - e.g. stopped the car, while screaming? - so watch out for that when you're editing.

grammar: okay, but not great. Watch your sentence structure.

Good points: I like how you're developing the scene, with things happening in the background that aren't fully explained, like the car doors opening and closing the body slumping down to her left. good tension and suspense.

buy, turn, shelve - turn.

Well written and smooth. Just a few notes...
-Twisted her lips in puzzlement is awkward to me. That may be a personal issue but just telling you how I feel.
-Maybe combine "This was New York. There were weird creatures everywhere." it might run more smoothly.

Overall, I enjoyed this and had to reread it three times to find anything critique worthy. I laughed at the factory worker bit.

Grade? A 98/100

Turn the page or buy? Based on these paragraphs, I would buy this book

I really like the first paragraph. The subtle cues about location were done extremely well, very gracefully.

That said, I was disappointed by the second paragraph because I was expecting the same quality - wanted it because I was in the barn with you - but it wasn't there. It was choppy and told me more than showed me what was going on with sort of a "now I'm doing this, now I'm doing that" feel. I'm guessing you hadn't edited it yet.

My suggestion - work on the second paragraph until it flows. Evaluate whether a wrist can really "flick" a heavy barn door open, as well as unnecessary words such as "unidentified" if all you are trying to say is a "...stream of light poured in." Throw in unidentified and suddenly I think we are dealing with a UFO, and even if we are, I don't want to be tipped off like that.

I give it a B- but I can tell you can fix it easily.

If all three paragraphs read like the first, I would BUY IT. I like your style that much.

First impression: very american and very messy.

crit: minor problems: it's a bit juvenile, and I'm not sure if that's the voice of the MC or your writing style. major: needs editing and smoothing out. Watch your adverbs, because there's a few too many of them. immensely, eerily, miserably, allegedly, absentmindedly all seem unneccessary to me. Same with adjectives - unidentified, unknown, small, don't add anything to your story. There are points where you've rushed and not expressed things clearly - e.g. "I wandered out to the barn absentmindedly, without a clue of what I was supposed to be doing." But she knows she's got to feed the horse? I'd prefer something like, I wandered out to the barn, knowing I had to feed the horses, but not sure exactly how. The middle paragraph could be lengthened and more detail added. scuffed is the wrong word. I don't know what you mean there. in a blind attempt would be better as blindly holding out my arms in an attempt. I was glancing around - better off, I was searching for the hay/feed mix.

grammar: okay. As I said - very american. Since this is set in america, that's not a bad thing.

good things: bouncey, light kind of style, that's easy to read and entertaining.

buy, turn, shelve. I doubt I'd buy this but I think I'd borrow it from the library.