Three paragraph critique

Erecura — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:42:25 -0800

So, I think that the title explains a lot. Three paragraphs from anywhere in the novel to be commented on. No title or summary. Just the three paragraphs. If you comment: Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) Good things: (please include this) Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) One note: I know that people can get overshadowed, so please refrain from posting your synopsis until you see at least one critique on the paragraphs above you. Just so that everybody can get feedback.

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:27:39 -0800

So....who goes first...Lol.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Erecura — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:08:28 -0800

I will: Terror welled in Zoë's throat. She wanted to sob, but she watched, horribly entranced, as her captor lifted the poker out ot the fire, its tip glowing white hot with the flames that had licked it a moment before. Her breath came out unevenly as she stared at the fire, the glow of the poker searing itself into the back of her eyelids, so that every time she blinked she saw the flames, hot and ready to touch her bare skin. The touch of the iron was the most painful thing she had ever felt. It took her breath away, rendering her unable to do anything but scream. As the iron sank deeper into her skin she saw the man smile and everything went black. Zoë woke in a small cell, her burns aching and her feet full of cuts. She tied to stand, but she realized that she was shackled to a wall. Her hand were free though, and for some odd reason a pitched of water was placed on the other side of the cell. Zoë squirmed to reach it, but it was just out of her grasp. Her throat burned from lack of water and her head spun. She tried again and again to grab it until she realized that her ankles were torn and bleeding from the metal that had ripped them up. She touched one, her finger coming away wet. Trying to ignore the pain, Zoë lunged one last time for the pitcher. Her fingertip touched it, but not enough to grab the handle.

Re: Three paragraph critique

LittleSu — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:48:26 -0800

Ok, first impressions: A little gruesome. Not enough to make me stop reading, but enough that I wouldn't read a novel that was this level of skin-crawling from cover to cover. That said, three paragraphs was not enough! I reached the end and felt cheated. You hit enter about two too many times, I think. I would definitely turn the page to keep reading! The one thing that stuck out to me as needing some work is this: afterimages are "seared" into retinas, even though they are "seen" on the inside of your eyelids. From a second, more careful readthrough: Pitcher, not pitched, and this sentence sounds a little stilted at the area I've indicated: "her ankles were torn and bleeding [from the metal that had] ripped them up." But that is me being really nit-picky and overall I like it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:06:31 -0800

Ok, give me a sec :) I'll pick mine and post. And I will respond to yours with what you asked :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:17:30 -0800

My three Paragraphs: Johnny kicked the chair that Tony used. His father walked in right after that. He came in from the back. “Dad! W..Where did you come from?” Johnny asked. “You did good, kid. C’mere. You too good to welcome your father with some respect?” Bruno was holding out his hands towards Johnny. Johnny walked over to him and greeted him with a kiss on both cheeks. “Sorry, Dad,” Johnny said. “It’s that Rat. I can’t stand to look at him...gets under my skin every time.” “I know, Johnny. That’s why I sent him out to Bensonhurst in the first place. I knew you didn’t like him. But I also knew he was trouble. Killed him is what I should’ve done. It’s too late now. What’s done is done.” “What are you talkin about? I thought you were gonna question him?” Johnny asked. “Ah, why should I? We both know he’s a Rat. And be both know he ain’t gonna come clean even if we beat it out of him. Nah, I got somethin better for that punk,” Bruno said. “I’m all ears,” Johnny said with a smile. They both grabbed a seat at the bar. The bartender poured them two cognacs. “What have I always told you since you were little,” Bruno asked his son. “Well, you’ve always said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” answered his son. “No...Well, yes, yes, that’s important too, but that’s not what I’m talkin about. I mean concerning your enemies.” “Oh, keep your enemies close. But keep your enemies’ spies closer,” answered Johnny. “Yes, Yes! Now, listen closely. Everything that man owns is tapped. That’s why I brought him out here. They should be just about through with his car. By the time he gets back to Brooklyn, if he farts, I’m gonna know about it. Johnny, I’m too old for this, I’ll tell you that right now. I’m gonna leave everything to you. But first, I need to see how you handle this guy. This will be your ultimate test. I know you’re a great kid and I love you, son. But that temper. You gotta get that under control if you’re gonna take control of this territory. I’m not talkin about this territory; I’m talkin about taking back Bensonhurst.” “Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. For a second, I thought you said we’re gonna take back Bensonhurst from the Russians,” Johnny said with one eyebrow cocked. “Oh, you heard me! We both know they’ve been cheating us on our little percentage we’re supposed to be getting. Remember, they’re only renting that territory from us, you got that!” Bruno started coughing. “Yeah, dad, I know. You okay?” Johnny asked his father. “I’m fine. Listen, don’t worry about me. Worry about what’s comin outta my mouth. If we can take care of this ourselves, then voting you in for the eastern territory will be a piece of cake. Everybody will love you ‘til the day you die. You understand?” “I understand, dad, but how do you suppose we’re gonna convince the Russians they done a bad thing by us and it’s time they paid up?” Johnny was getting nervous. He knew he wasn’t going to like the answer to his question. “That’s the beauty of it. It all comes down to our little scum bucket...Tony.”

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:22:31 -0800

to Erecura: Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) : Really scary, maybe leave more to the imagination Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well): a few misspells, but who doesn't without spell check...Lol Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) : with five being the best, I grade a 4 Good things: (please include this) : I like how you are very good at explaining how the girl felt deep down in what was taking place. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) : I think I would be scared to turn the page but would turn anyway because I want to see what happens...Lol

Re: Three paragraph critique

thedragongod — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:31:31 -0800

My three paragraphs: #1: Ashuton lifted his head, and he felt his muscles ache with weariness from the fight. He ran to the nearest dragon cottage and slipped inside. Nyota followed after, locking the cottage door, and where the Dragon should have been there was a man. This man looked to be in his mid-twenties, and his hair was quite long, it looked a bit longer than her's. He was European, she knew that much, and the inhabitants detested Europeans. The man was coughing up blood and could hardly walk. She cautiously walked up to him. #2: Kayla settled her egg in the hollow of a tree where it was sure to be warm And everyday she nurtured the egg with heat from her body And Jonas would be right there to give heat from his body Though it was tiring, they took turns watching over the precious egg Jonas would care for the egg like Kayla had been doing And although he questioned whether the egg was real, he continued to give it his heat He hoped to see some spark of life form the egg, but it lay as dormant as a volcano.” #3: For hours he toured the shrine with her, reading all the songs on the walls He explained to her the roles of the Dragon gods Ashuton didn’t hesitate to explain it to her, “Rodderan was the dragon god of science and thus he helped God in creating the stars, cosmos, nebulae and planets that exist within the universe Canman was born from Rodderan’s science And his job was to bring light and illumination to those whom need it He also created the moon and used it as his body He said, “this way I can illuminate the night.” Lementia, the goddess of Dragons, had ownership of the young sun Without her I would have been able to produce dragon eggs She blessed me with the fertility of the Gods.” --------------------------------------------- I hope it's a "buy"! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:37:18 -0800

Ahem...LOL One note: I know that people can get overshadowed, so please refrain from posting your synopsis until you see at least one critique on the paragraphs above you. Just so that everybody can get feedback.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Dani Marchand — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:59:14 -0800

Erecura~ Critique: I liked it, overall. I feel like I can't tell you whether it's excellent or just good without more context. The transition from one scene to the next was kind of abrupt, but I feel like it would work as part of the whole novel. I also agree that there shouldn't be too many scenes with this level of gruesomeness. This is good, but often gory stuff is more effective when implied instead of seen. For instance, you show your victim the knife, you tell him how you've sharpened it tonight just for him, and the reader's mind can fill in what happens next so effectively that showing it onscreen is almost anticlimactic. Grammar: In the last paragraph I think you meant to type "tried" instead of "tied". Other than that, although I don't think you have any actual run-on sentences, several of them seem a little too long to flow well. The third sentence in particular could be turned into two. Grade: I'd give this a solid B for a letter grade. Good things: Your point of view and character development are great from what I can tell. You communicate what is important to the character, and nothing distracts from that. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page. I can't tell whether I'd enjoy the novel's subject matter just from this, but I feel like there's a good chance.

Re: Three paragraph critique

HarlequinDream — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:08:24 -0800

As Captain Orr led the second party into the fray and broadsides continued beneath their feet, Edward crossed swords with a uniformed man. His eyes looked black, and Edward almost thought him a fiend. His lean face was covered in blood, and his uniform was awash in the same. For all the madness in his eyes, his movements were fluid. It took him only seconds to put Edward in a defensive position. Yet the Englishman’s brawling style of swordplay was nothing to compare with the Frenchman’s easy, trained movements. Edward tried to flee, but his opponent seemed capable of taking three steps to his every one. When Edward lost his footing and fell to the deck, the man was over him in an instant. He put his foot just under Edward’s ribs and raised his sword to strike the killing blow. Edward stared up at the demon and flashing blade and could only wait. The blow never came. Instead, Orr appeared. He struck the armed man, slashed his blade across the Frenchman’s sword arm. Blood poured freely. A kick took the enemy officer’s knee from under him, and he staggered. Orr stepped over Edward without a second thought to hold his sword against the man’s throat. “Where is your captain?” he snarled. Edward found himself wondering if Orr hoped the man would refuse to answer so he would have an excuse to slit his throat. “Lieutenant Jean-Remington Martineau,” the man said in a heavy accent. He managed the next words in English, though they were difficult to understand, try as he might to enunciate, the action had almost robbed him of whatever skill at English he had. “My captain is dead, and I surrender.”

Re: Three paragraph critique

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:14:22 -0800

BlessedBklynite~ If you want a critique using the form above, let me know! Otherwise I'm just going to tell you what I thought of it, overall. First, your dialogue is excellent, one of the rare examples I've seen of a well-written accent. It flows perfectly. It sounds like the characters are actually talking. Just because of that I'd keep reading. The action leaves something to be desired, though. There's nothing wrong with what you have the characters doing, but it falls a little flat when you use the same sentence structure repeatedly. Can I suggest including more sound in your characters' actions? Tell us about the way Johnny's boot smacks Tony's chair, or the slam of the door and sudden gust of wind as Bruno enters. Talk about the low murmur of voices and sound of clinking glasses at the bar. It seems like a device that would fit well with your dialogue skill. I can't tell much about the plot from just this, but I can tell you that it intrigues me, and for three paragraphs that's good enough. Good work!

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:34:29 -0800

Good Advice! I haven't even thought of that! i mean, DUH...LOL. Thanks for the imput :) You'll have to buy the book to find out more :) or go to 200 word forum...Lol

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:35:15 -0800

the little things newbies forget... tsk tsk LOL

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:21:13 -0800

Not used to critiquing .. but here goes: Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) Overall, I liked it. It needs some polish. For example, I'd like more feelings from Edward - not just tried to flee .... lost his footing and fell .... stared up at the demon ... I want to feel his desperation, his terror - and then the relief as Orr saves him! Some notes: Orr stepped over Edward without a second thought As I'm in Edward s POV .. he wouldn't know what Orr is thinking or not thinking... Yet the Englishman’s brawling style of swordplay was nothing to compare with the Frenchman’s easy, trained movements. This feels like an outsider's POV, would Edward describe himself as "the Englishman"? Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) Nope, not going to comment on grammar since English is my second language and I might be as wrong myself =) Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) Ummm .... 3, very close to 4, I think Good things: (please include this) When Edward lost his footing and fell to the deck, the man was over him in an instant. He put his foot just under Edward’s ribs and raised his sword to strike the killing blow. This! And the last part is also very good. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I'm not so interested so I would buy it after just this look, but I like it enough to turn the page =)

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:27:34 -0800

So ... I'll throw in one of my own. Had to do a bit of searching, because usually my first drafts is very dialogue-heavy and three lines of talking doesn't make much sense at all .. =) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mateo closed the door to the guesthouse behind him, and released a breath. His heart was still pounding, fury burned his belly and he thanked all lucky stars that he hadn't Vipolior or Cazid within reach. If he had, he probably would have dome something incredibly stupid. Shaking his head, he tried to get a grip on himself, but it was unusually difficult. The last few weeks it had become harder to keep a reign on his temper, something he'd never had trouble with before. If he hadn't forgot the scriptcase he'd meant to take with him and had had to go back to fetch it, he would have been gone when Akir rushed in. Well, he'd rather stumbled in, but with that desperation he would have been running if he'd been able to. Clearly, he had, until the wind were out of him. The fury, the desire to hit something, had flared hot with what Akir had told him. It hadn't been easy to restrain Akir either, and who on earth would blame him? Mateo had not even known Akir had a wife. Now all of it had come tumbling out, i no order whatsoever. Not that Mateo needed any coherent description. He only knew far too well what could, and did, happen with slave girls at some of the parties wealthy young men arranged. And for that matter, with boys.

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:13:10 -0800

Critique: Some of your sentences are a little choppy (e.g. "His father walked in right after that. He came in from the back") but it is well written overall. It is a bit dialogue heavy, but the speech is very well thought out. Grammar: Good. Grade: A-/B+ Good things: Strong sense of voice, it flows well, the speech is intelligent and purposeful. The relationships are also clear. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page, possibly buy depending on the overall plot! Also, I think I read your opening in another forum post, and I really love this part - it's SO much stronger :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:16:31 -0800

I walked in and saw the lion without its paws, lying on the section of marble floor nearest the sink (paw-less), being fed cubes of cheese by one of the girls. He looked fairly unbothered by the whole thing and only inclined his head briefly towards me, barely registering my prescence. The floor around him was streaked with dried blood, the colour sweeping the marble like a grotesque varnish, but his legs (without his paws) seemed like they had completely healed. My mum ran over to me and muttered, “Who could do such a thing?”. The intonation in her voice made it clear that she meant, “Who could hurt such an amazing, wise, beautiful creature?” although the assumption (“Who could do something so horrific?!”) was also there. I just shook my head, in a way that she must have taken to mean agreement, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from the lion. I felt my face heating up and my eyes burning but I managed to leave the room in a very controlled walk. I made sure not to let tears break through the expression I’d forced onto my face until I was a safe distance away. I ran up to my room and flicked the light on. The bulb flickered on and off before remaining on, gradually lighting up to its feeble ‘full light’ that the eco-make boasted on the packaging. I looked in the mirror and didn’t instantly recognise my face, my eyes having been replaced into the face of someone who wasn’t about to make everything a whole lot worse. I gathered all the things I thought I’d need (and that were close at hand) and stuffed them all into the biggest rucksack I could find. If I’d ever learnt how to pack properly like my parents had insisted many times, I guess I could’ve taken a smaller bag (or possibly more things). I listened at the top of the stairs, trying to figure out where the majority of sounds were coming from, but all the conversation seemed condensed in one room of the house – the kitchen. I took my chance and ran out of the front door in bare feet, carrying my flip-flops with me. I snagged my cardigan on the trellis that ran the full length of the house as I lost my balance slightly when a stone on the ground hit the arch of my foot, but I didn’t stop running until I’d reached the edge of the woods.

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:24:37 -0800

Critique: The sentence "...he thanked all lucky stars that he hand't Vipolior or Cazid within reach" doesn't make sense to me - are they people? I also thought some of the sentences were too compounded - " If he hadn't forgot the scriptcase he'd meant to take with him and had had to go back to fetch it, he would have been gone when Akir rushed in", for instance. I really liked the thrid paragraph - I want to find out more! Grammer: Pretty good - a few errors that made some of the sentences harder to read than they could be, but it is readable. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) Good things: The paragraphs are a good length, the end paragraph is very good."He only knew far too well what could, and did, happen with slave girls at some of the parties wealthy young men arranged" is very suggestive! Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:38:53 -0800

Hi! I’ve never done a critique in my life, but here’s a good chance to practice! I like this; you show his anger in a really effective way, and you can just tell that he’s really, really frustrated. The wording can use some editing, like ‘he thanked all lucky stars’ should be ‘he thanked his lucky stars’, and perhaps ‘he’d rather stumbled in’ should be ‘Rather, he had stumbled in’. It’s good what you’ve got but there needs to be some tweaking of language. I think that you could really show that he is raging though, by adding some bits. When he releases a breath, does he spit it out or just sigh? Try adding in body language too, that’ll help to show how angry he is. On the other hand, the barrage of names is a bit much out of context; I’m assuming that this is not the start of the book, and that by this point we are supposed to know who the characters are? If so, that’s fine, don’t worry! But if it’s the start, I’d recommend trimming down listing all the names, it becomes very confusing. But then, I really like the storyline in this, and honestly it may just be me being pedantic about the phrasing; of course you’d probably edit out these mistakes anyway, so perhaps I don’t need to even point them out. Just ignore them if you like. But yes, it does make me interested about what Akir did tell them, and why it made him so angry! Good draft, seriously. I just think that if you add in more detail about his frustration, and perhaps cut down the use of names, it would be great!

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:42:42 -0800

Oh! I almost forgot Grammer: Pretty good - better than most I've seen. Grade: I'm from the UK so we don't do letter grades, um... but say 4/5, 1 being poor? Good things: The character is really relatable! I can tell he's angry and this leads me to wonder why. It also makes me desperate to know what he found out! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Turn the page and then buy it! Or perhaps download if it was for Kindle :D

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:55:47 -0800

Thank you! Yes, at this point in the story a reader would know who Vipolior and Cazid is - and hopefully not have any nice feelings about them. It's a bit tricky to get any context in this short piece. English is my second language, so there's got to be many strange sentences in here =)

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:56:33 -0800

This ^^^ was a response to vmorr ...

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:02:25 -0800

@Lisa.Vail - Thank you!! I'll definetly keep in mind to use some body-langauge too, and the other things you suggested. The things about grammar and phrasing ... is probably much due to English being my second language (so I'll ignore it for now). For some reason it's easier fo me to get out a first draft in English, and then it gets polished into Swedish in editing =) This is a scene-start, but in no way the beginning of the story. It is roughly one third into the first part of a trilogy - and all those names should be well known to a reader.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:16:07 -0800

Hi! I liked this; the beginning was confusing despite making sense, and it had a WTF factor that, in context, probably makes sense. The lion made me sad, but that's good since it proves that you can stir up some good emotion! My only issue is the sudden scene change - it may be necessary but I think that there's a more subtle way of transitioning from one scene to another. Maybe just something little like closing their eyes, looking at something, just a little transition scene. Also the one line about "who would do such a thing?" was a little complex despite it making sense, maybe cut this into two sentences? Grammer: Pretty good Grade: 4/5, 1 being poor Good things: It made some emotion stir in me; the first paragraph is so powerful that it really captures your attention wondering what happened! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Probably turn the page to see how gory the rest might be, and then buy. (Just cos too much gore isn't my thing).

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:16:31 -0800

Prologue “Now is not the time, Merrill!” The child scampered back to his feet; his father’s hard push had knocked him to the dirty ground of the courtyard. He gazed up at his parents with wide eyes – his knee bled and yet he already knew better than to cry. Reaching up, he attempted to hold his mother’s hand, but she yanked it from his grip. “Don’t be stupid, Merrill!” she barked, thrusting the child’s arm away and turning back to the strangers with whom she had been speaking. “I am terribly sorry about my son,” his father said, shaking his head, “Constantly an irritation.” The child hung his head and turned to leave. Following nothing in particular, he didn’t realise how far he had gotten from the manor house until he turned and saw that the building had become little more than a softly lit shadow on the horizon. The boy, who was by this time immersed in shadow, wondered where he was. Gazing around, he saw nothing, and heard nothing except for the vague whinnying of horses in the distance. The lost boy followed the sound, finding himself swallowed by the darkness as he wandered through the night. A horse grunted upon seeing the child, who watched them quietly. Meeting the creature’s eyes, the boy reached out a tiny arm and stretched his hand out to touch the golden fur. The horse shifted slightly, moving its weight away from the boy’s hand, and leaving him looking slightly forlorn. He stepped forward once more, determination showing on his youthful face. He placed a firm hand on the horse’s knee, stretching his fingers out to meet it. The animal jumped, startled, and pulled away with a loud snort. Kicking out its front legs, it reared slightly, threatening to knock the child to the ground with its large, ebony hooves. He froze, eyes wide with fear as the horse’s legs fell rapidly towards him, twice as large and powerful as the child’s entire body -

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:44:41 -0800

Thanks for your feedback :) That's the most 'graphic' bit actually. I agree with the improvements you've said, so thanks!

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:49:18 -0800

Your chapters are very good - i'm presuming you've already edited them? If not, they are very well written. Grammar: Good Grade: 4.5/5, 1 being poor Good things: The reader feels sympathy for the boy, and strong characters are created in a very short space of time. The passage starts strongly, and there aren't any unnecessary words. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Turn the page, possibly buy depending on the overall plot. It sounds exciting already!

Re: Three paragraph critique

TeeVee — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:07:39 -0800

I'll give this a go :) The feeling of the wind blowing through your hair, there’s nothing better. A bright summer’s afternoon, the clouds white and puffy as they float lazily across the sky, no destination in mind. Just like me. I once floated across the sky, something so immensely freeing I won’t soon forget it. It’s not normal, for one to fly. It was certainly one of the reasons that I was cast out of my community, or at least, shied away from. They didn’t understand that for me, flying was a way of expressing myself as well as seeing the world in a new way. My name is Delia, I am a Flyhorn. My wings don’t flap, they don’t even have feathers. I made my wings, but they are still as much a part of me as my arms and my legs. I became fascinated by the Flyhorns when I was seven. I would look up at the sky and see the birds flying overhead and want to be there with them. The Flyhorns were not seen in my community. They were outsiders, people who came to trade things amongst normal people for money. When I heard they were coming I would run into the streets to see them, sit by all the other children as they told us stories of what they had seen and heard. They could talk to birds, they said. They had seen across the great ocean, they said. I would sit for hours and listen to the stories they would tell. The other children would be dragged away by their parents, they would be ushered inside and told to forget the stories they had been told. My mother gave that up when I was nine. I would only escape through the window to see the Flyhorns again. More than once I even tried to leave the community with them. My mother is a patient woman, but she has no tolerance for what she calls evil. Anything that defies the normality of our community is evil. She was old when I was born, old in the eyes of the community anyway, being thirty-nine. My father has always been unknown to everyone but my mother, who will take that secret to her grave. I didn’t need a father growing up, there were plenty of men in the community to help raise me. That’s the thing about communities. They raise each other. We are not a town or a village or a city, with many people and many families. The people who live in those places know not their neighbours, but we do. We live together and raise our families together. The families in our community have been there from the beginning, growing together and bonding. I will marry a son from the community when I am of age. I don’t know who he is yet, but there are only four that it could be. It is not something that I would have chosen for my life, but it is something that I must do. I would be cast out of the community if I refused, my mother would be shamed and cast out with me. I could never do that to her.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:13:36 -0800

Critique: The first paragraph grabbed me, but I started losing it by the third. For me as a reader, emotion and motivations as a character, help me relate to the character and make me want to know his/her story. I felt like you did a good job grabbing, but I got lost halfway. The transition from being admonished by his parents to leaving the manor could be stretched out a bit or made more clear. It might have been just me, but I had to read it 3 times to understand what had happened. Maybe he could reflect on these thoughts, so we have an idea of his mindset, his reaction to these actions? Is this normal? How is he affected by this? Following that the imagery is powerful again. Though I was jolted that it was suddenly night. For me it was too sudden, and I didn't feel much of a sense of time passing, which could have been what you were going for. But other than shadow, there wasn't much sense of night, which made me wonder why did these parents let their child wander into the night? Just some things you can think about when building characters. I thought the scene between Merrill and the horse was done well. The only issue I have again, is that the characters seem lifeless in the telling. It's hard to judge from what little is shown, but it feels like this boy could have a lot to say. You could do a lot with explaining some of the inner workings of his mind. What drew him to the horse? Was it just a distraction? Why does he want to touch the horse? Just a couple of thoughts when reading your work that I personally thought could help bring it more to life. Grammar: I didn't see any problems Grade: 4, 1 being poor Good things: Stated in critique I believe. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page at least.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:14:25 -0800

She pulled the blanket forcibly over, trying to warm her chilled insides. Blanket…When did she get a blanket? She pushed herself up from the couch she had laid herself on. This wasn’t the stuffy old broken down inn that her and her superior had slept in for the last week. It was dark, but much nicer. A…study it seemed. It was quite empty except for a desk and a pile of books that looked like they were in need of repair. On the desk it seemed that there was one in the process of being restored. She could taste some strange chemicals in the air but couldn’t name what they were. Groaning she stuffed her face into the pillow on the couch. She couldn’t believe her luck. She had angered the very Blood Demon of Numa, and after he was done with whatever he was going to do to the Captain she was sure that she was next. She stared at the door in worry, unsure of how long she had slept or when he would get back. She was just waiting for the demon to come back and devour her. ‘Maybe ‘e’ll fatten meh up firs’,’ she mused to herself, half-heartedly. She admitted she wouldn’t mind the idea as long as her death was quick and the meals were delicious. Heavens knew that it had been ages since she had something decent to eat. Anything worth tasting she’d have to scarf down before she was caught, and as for the rest…well the plug your nose and swallow was a routine she knew quite well.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:15:46 -0800

Damn I copy and pasted without pressing enter. Sorry. Hope the paragraphs are still distinguishable. If not I can repost.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:21:27 -0800

Thanks! In the prologue you're not really meant to see too much, uh, how do I explain, it's meant to have some distance in it? But I see what you mean, I should add some more details. :D

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:21:38 -0800

Thanks! ^^

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:48:58 -0800

Critique: I was immediately drawn in. Delia has a very captivating voice and so far a very interesting story to tell. I loved learning about the Flyhorns and you set up a very interesting community for me to imagine. Your characters, so far, are interesting, and have set up several conflicts in very few paragraphs. The community you developed I thought was an interesting one, and I feel this could develop into a very interesting story. Well done. There were a few tense inconsistencies, that I noted, but none that bothered me. I'm sorry I wasn't helpful with any technical critiques as there was nothing about these paragraphs that really bothered me. I would only caution to make sure that Delia keeps her voice, and continue that consistency throughout the story. (Not saying you won't and she'll become a Mary-Sue, but the best critical advice I can give at the moment.) Grammar: clouds 'float' to 'floated' (tense consistency) didn't catch much else Grade: 4 Good things: -noted above- Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I would turn the page and maybe buy ;)

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:06:26 -0800

Good things: * I like the ideas. I think there's probably a story in this book that I'd like to read. Blood demons, police of some kind (or at least militia); it sounds like my bag. * The "wake up somewhere strange" routine is always a good one. I don't know where in your book this falls, but it's never a bad way to change up the scene. * Your word choice is good. I feel like you could take all of the words in these three paragraphs (with a one-sentence exception) and, dropping a few extraneous ones, shuffle them around into some reasonably strong prose without having to add or change a thing. Critique: * Your construction is really rough. "She pushed herself up from the couch she had laid herself on" is just a tortured sentence, dragged on well past where it should logically have ended ("She pushed herself up from the couch." period, full stop, end of thought). There are a few places like there, where you simply have far more words than you need. I'm guessing the perspective is third person limited throughout, focused on your main character here? She strikes me as a woman who doesn't go on at length, so, if nothing else, tightening up the prose would make it feel more like her story, even if she's not directly telling it. * It's your book and this is a stylistic thing that not everyone agrees with, but I would strongly caution you against having a major character who speaks in a dialect that you write out phonetically. Dialect is fine. My excerpts are chock full of the stuff, so I'm not one to poke fun. But while writing out an accent can work when you want to really call attention to how different a character sounds, having it strewn through the book (as I assume it will be if this is your main character) can quickly drive the reader insane. Grammar (because Grammer is your mom's mom): Actually not bad. You have roughly 30% more words than you need to have, but they are mostly grammatically correct. You ought to have a comma after "Groaning" and the first paragraph should probably be two paragraphs, broken between pushing herself off of the couch and describing the room. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) 3. I'd give you a 4 but some of those sentences were just a chore to read. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Hmm. That's a toughie because I really do want to like it. I would probably flip around the book to see if this was a single instance of rough prose or if it was like this throughout.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Shadowphaze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:20:21 -0800

My first critique so take it for what it is -- simply words from a stranger. :) Critique: (how was it, what could be changed): I think you did a nice job communicating the fear that she felt about a confrontation with the demon but I think with a little more work you could really instill a sense of panic in me (your reader). In the first paragraph your use of "A....study it seemed." is a bit clunky for me. I know what you're trying to do there as I do it a lot in real life when I talk. You might reconsider how you present this bit of information to the reader. Perhaps ditch the "..." and try something like: It was dark, nicer, almost like a study. Or something to that effect. This: "She could taste some strange chemicals in the air but couldn’t name what they were." Again I know what you're trying to say and in fact I struggled with a similar line in my own writing not to long ago. I'm not sure I have a suggestion on how to fix this. Perhaps something like "The smell of the unfamiliar chemicals in the air was so strong that she could almost taste them." Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) I have no real complaints. I'm not perfect myself. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) B+ Good things: (please include this); I'm a sucker for details and you gave me just the right amount in the first paragraph to have me imagining this dark, almost sinister library of sorts. You did well focusing on your character in the story and not getting me to bogged down with unnecessary information. I can quite clearly tell she's in a real pinch and that's a very good thing. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) You'd at least get me to turn the page and read on. You've given me enough in the paragraphs above to want to know if Numa does return and what he does to her.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:20:25 -0800

Thank you for your critique. It really did help. I have a tendency to be wordy, and I just can't catch myself. Now that I know where to look, I can rearrange this to flow better, and stop interrupting the read. I'll try to keep a lookout for these mistakes throughout the rest of my novel. As for the dialect, I knew it would be a risk, but her status (and dialect) play big roles in the plot. Though I won't torture the reader forever with this. As she is taught, her speech gets better, til she speaks with an 'implied' accent I won't have to write out. To make that change clear though, I thought it would be best to keep her accent atrocious but readable. Thanks again.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:26:35 -0800

Oh goodness, no both of these critiques helped immensely. I've read my novel so many times, my mind's gone numb to seeing it's flaws. I'll definitely be taking that sentence change, and looking for others sentences that could be simplified as well. Thanks so much for taking the time to critique.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:41:01 -0800

How do you pick three paragraphs at random in the midst of a novel? I certainly don't know. But here are three anyway: “Is,” he said. “Is. Was. Will be. May be, could be, should be. Your words are so small and so confused. What is it to not exist anymore? That which is, is. That which is not, is not. The center is forever barred.” I shook my head. I felt like I should be afraid but wasn’t. My memory was a blank, by and large, and I was speaking to a man I knew to be dead in a place I knew to have been destroyed. A man with no face, at that. Yet I felt, more than anything else, calm. At peace. “Who are you?” An impression filled me, like warm water pouring into a cool pitcher. A sense of patience, and of curiosity – almost playfulness – and an impression of something vast beyond all comprehension. A many-sided box folding in on itself again and again. A flower blooming in sunlight, then withering in darkness, only to bloom again. A leaf bearing a drop of dew, poised at its tip, and another droplet falling from somewhere above to dislodge the leaf’s load before running down the veined green surface to take its predecessor’s place.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Shadowphaze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:46:35 -0800

My turn. :) Have fun! “H-how can I help you? I can’t even see you…” Ava’s heart thumped erratically in her chest as she turned back to face forward. In a moment of realization her gaze darted down to the ring at her feet. As the voices called out again pleading for help the ring’s light seemed to vibrate with the shattered sound of their voices. Coooome closer….help us…. (this is in italics) There were rules according to her Aunt for surviving childhood. You didn’t take candy from someone you didn’t know or get into any moving vehicles. You certainly didn’t make conversation with a stranger either because it would inadvertently lead to the person offering you the dreaded candy aforementioned. Children disappeared all the time her aunt had threatened, and most of the time they never came home. Aunt Tabitha’s warnings hadn’t prepared Ava for a glowing circle on the ground and it hadn’t prepared her for the pitiful voices calling out to her for help. She quickly stepped backwards and immediately felt a small pang of disappointment, even guilt. They’re killing us….please… (this is in italics) “Who?! Who is doing this?” Her voice cracked and her umbrella lowered exposing her to the falling rain. “What do you want? Hunh? Are you trying to scare me? It’s a nice trick. And you know it’s working…” She hated to admit that she was afraid. She hated to admit she was weak in any kind of manner because it opened her up to being judged by others.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Shadowphaze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:11:48 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) One of the things I've learned on this topic and the one where you can only post 200 words is it's often hard to figure out the big picture of the story. For me this is the case with yours. I really don't have much to offer in the way of a critque because there's not a lot going on in the few paragraphs you've shared. I don't have a sense of location or of your characters and I feel as though I've story walked in on the middle of something bigger, perhaps something even "world changing" if you know what I mean. I get a strong sense that an epiphany for your MC is on the horizon but I just don't know. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) I'm not a thesaurus or a dictionary. There are a few sentences in your writing that are a little long for me and some that are short. I think overall it works and I have a feeling that you were actually looking to acheive this effect. The shortened sentences aren't random by any means. There's really only one sentence that trips me up when I read and I'm not sure why exactly. "My memory was a blank, by and large, and I was speaking to a man I knew to be dead in a place I knew to have been destroyed." Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) I'd give this a B+ with A- potential Good things: (please include this): Again it's so hard to just start reading somewhere in the middle. I feel a sadness coming from the first paragraph, almost a sense of despair but I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm way off. From your MC I feel a sense of relief almost coming from them. Your third paragraph has a wonderful selection of imagery to try and elicit emotion from me (your reader). It's nicely done and not over done. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would certainly turn the page. It's hard to say if I would buy the book simply because I don't have a lot to go on at the moment. If I did like what I read, it would be a possibility.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:22:34 -0800

Thanks :) I actually posted those three in particular because I specifically was hunting a critique of the 3rd paragraph. This chapter is purposefully out of keeping with the rest of the book and that bit of imagery is important, so I wanted to be sure that it was acceptably wrought and neither over-done nor too bland.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:24:20 -0800

(out of keeping stylistically, I meant to say. Curse you, lack of editing!)

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:40:27 -0800

Good stuff: I like it. I'm interested and nothing pulls me out of the narrative. Based on this and your 200 words excerpt I'd probably read your book. If it had a good blurb I'd probably buy it :) Critique / Grammar (because your work is good enough that I have little to say except about grammar): Some of your wording could be punched up a bit. It's most obvious in the second paragraph. I like the sentences you've got, especially the one about candy, but I think reordering them would make it flow more smoothly. "Her Aunt had rules for surviving childhood" seems like it would be stronger to me, or even just "According to her Aunt there were rules for surviving childhood." As it stands you need commas around the subordinate clause (that's probably the wrong name) "according to her Aunt". I don't know your character, but just from what I get in this bit I don't think she should say "And you know it's working..." If she doesn't like to show weakness then leaving it at "It's a nice trick..." would do the job better. Grade blah blah blah: I like it, like I said. If the plot blurb sounds neat I'd buy it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MrBadgerPants — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:41:11 -0800

(Note: I mean reordering the words in the sentences, not reordering the sentences themselves)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Geolie — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:20:14 -0800

“Yeah, and then there is this floor that I’ve never been able to go on because it’s for couples only – heterosexual couples,” he clarifies, continuing unmercifully. “Since I’m gay…you know I’m gay, right?” She nods, not looking up from her bowl. “Well, since I’m gay, I’m always with my partner so I can’t go. Khet, you know, you should come as my date so we can go on the “couples” floor.” She ignores the strange comment, continuing to eat, wondering if this man just wants to get onto the heterosexual floor, or if he wants to get onto the heterosexual floor with her. Not getting the silent hint, he repeats his request again. “I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t be okay with that,” she nicely replies, noting an invitation for her husband was not forth coming. Not that it would have been accepted, of course.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Shadowphaze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:41:17 -0800

Thanks for the input! It's much appreciated. I'll look into the ordering of my sentences, etc. One of the reasons I picked this particular section was because I felt weak to me in how it came across. :-)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Shadowphaze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:42:45 -0800

WTB edit button...

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:47:40 -0800

Critique: It's an interesting passage. He says "you know" a lot, which is a bit annoying. But he seems like he's supposed to be an annoying character, so perhaps you did that on purpose. Grammer: I find writing in present tense hard so admire people who do it well. Kudos! The one sentence I wasn't particularly fond of was: "Khet, you know, you should come as my date so we can go on the “couples” floor.” For two reasons...the 'you know' thing, but also because the stuff after the second comma refers her, not Khet...which is the person you're talking about in the first part of the sentence. So maybe break it up into two: "Khet, you remember him right? Anyway, you should come as my date, so we can go on the "couples" floor." Grade: B+, but could easily be put up to an A Good things: It's easy to get a sense of personality of both characters. I like that you're keeping the POV entirely from her view while having most of the dialogue from him. It's well written in that regard. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I'd keep reading.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:48:57 -0800

Damn, I forgot to hit reply directly under your post...

Re: Three paragraph critique

lycaenide — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:53:52 -0800

I haven't ever critiqued before, but here it goes. Critique: Ok, firstly let me say that this sounds great! The story is gripping and I would definately continue reading after these paragraphs. Grammer: I felt that a few of your sentences could have benefitted from being broken up - either using commas or separating it into two sentences. Particularly 'As the voices called out again pleading for help the ring’s light seemed to vibrate with the shattered sound of their voices.' Although, this may just be a personal preference, as the long sentences do not hinder the flow at all. Grade: 4.5/5 (with 1 being poor) Good things: I love your choice of words: 'aforementioned' and 'pang' are two of my favourites. It was lovely to see them used here. They fit in well, too. (By this I mean it does not sound like you plucked them from a thesaurus). The second paragraph is just wonderful, and I feel that I have a good sense of the character after only three paragraphs. Good job! Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I would turn the page, possibly buy after reading the synopsis.

Re: Three paragraph critique

lycaenide — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:54:50 -0800

* Wish I could edit, apparently I can't spell definitely today.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Geolie — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:59:22 -0800

Thank you for the critique. Not only did you pick the very sentence I have been having trouble with, I didn't realize I tend to overuse "you know." I'm going to watch for it elsewhere. I appreciate the help. : )

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:16:17 -0800

“I don’t even know who they are!” Laura screamed, and stopped the car. “Screw this….. I’m going home!” She slammed the door shut as hard as she could, leaving Lui and his bleeding shoulder behind. The street was quiet, the was air cold, and lights were out in the surrounding houses. Exhausted, she sank down next to the car, burying her face in her hands. No thoughts invaded, just an empty black void. Laura swallowed; waited for her breathing and pulse to settle. A car door opened and closed. Then another one -- opening and closing. Feet shuffled and something heavy and warm -- a body -- slumped down to her left. After it, a rasping sound of metal against the asphalt. Laura exhaled. Just a minute more of nothing, she thought. Let me just settle. [Note.. hoping that this turns into italics.. if not.. That's suppose to be in italics ;)]

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:17:30 -0800

haha ok.. so I had used <.i.>this withouth the dots<./.i.> but it dissapeared.. Thoughts are in italics

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:22:56 -0800

Vincent was the first to voice the strangeness. They chose to sit near the edge of the dock, just to take some time to soak in the surroundings. Though they both quickly noticed that there was a different feel to the entire place, they just chalked it up to it being America. Neither had ever been there before, but they had seen pictures. “The girls really dress different here, do they not?” Vincent asked casually, appreciating the form-fitting clothes. Renée rolled her eyes in response and he looked at her and smiled mischievously. Then his eyes went wide. “Your rash is gone!” He exclaimed. Renée patted her face. Then she touched her forehead. “I do not have a fever either…and I do not feel weak! I think I am cured of typhus!” As she loudly shouted this, two people walking off the dock looked down at her with puzzled faces. But it was New York. There were weird creatures everywhere. So they continued walking away . Still Renée had caught their sharp look - as if typhus was some unusual disease. Looking around, it seemed like the War had not given waste to dirty surroundings in America. Maybe typhus really was uncommon here. She shrugged, accepting her personal explanation and looked down at the paintbrush in her hands. It had somehow changed back in the form of a tiny golden charm. Renée decided to keep it in her skirt pocket. Rejoining Vincent in looking around, she noticed that other girls seemed to be extremely comfortable in jeans. Renée twisted her lips in puzzlement. She was sure only factor workers wore jeans. Plus, these jeans seemed uncomfortably tight. The zippers were not even on the side, as they should be on woman’s jeans. The guys even seemed to be wearing jeans with a bizarre tighter fit. Was this the fashion in America? Renée found it exceptionally odd. Why would someone purposely take on the style of a factory worker?

Re: Three paragraph critique

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:40:12 -0800

The next day, I woke up before anyone else in the Conley household to do my chores. I wandered out to the barn absentmindedly, without a clue of what I was supposed to be doing. All I knew is that I was allegedly feeding a horse. Did I have a clue how to feed a horse? Not even the slightest. I creaked open the barn doors with a flick of my wrist and shuffled in. It was still dark outside, so the barn was eerily ill-lit. I was glancing around when all of a sudden the barn doors smacked shut. I jumped, immensely startled. Now I couldn’t see anything at all. I let out a small whimper. It was now occurring to me that walking into a foreign, dark barn practically in the middle of the night was not the greatest of ideas. I scuffed around, holding out my arms in a blind attempt to keep from running into anything. I failed miserably because I tripped over a stray bucket. I fell to ground and slammed my knee onto the floor of the barn with a hard thud. All of a sudden, the barn door crashed open and a stream of unidentified light poured in. I squinted and saw an unknown figure standing there with a lantern in his hand. “Robert?” I called out hopefully.

Re: Three paragraph critique

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:47:12 -0800

I like it! Few thoughts: -Generally, I find it more productive to see ellipses (...) with just three dots. It seems more professional. -The semicolon was misplaced because after the ; was a fragment. If you added "she" it could work. -You changed tenses with the open and close line. Pick opened or opening, but don't use both. -I disliked the transition "After it". You might want to consider changing that. Grade: C. 80/100, mostly for grammatical issues Turn the page? Maybe, once those nitpicky errors are corrected :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:53:49 -0800

Well written and smooth. Just a few notes... -Twisted her lips in puzzlement is awkward to me. That may be a personal issue but just telling you how I feel. -Maybe combine "This was New York. There were weird creatures everywhere." it might run more smoothly. Overall, I enjoyed this and had to reread it three times to find anything critique worthy. I laughed at the factory worker bit. Grade? A 98/100 Turn the page or buy? Based on these paragraphs, I would buy this book

Re: Three paragraph critique

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:54:28 -0800

**but this was New York

Re: Three paragraph critique

Geolie — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:49:10 -0800

I really like the first paragraph. The subtle cues about location were done extremely well, very gracefully. That said, I was disappointed by the second paragraph because I was expecting the same quality - wanted it because I was in the barn with you - but it wasn't there. It was choppy and told me more than showed me what was going on with sort of a "now I'm doing this, now I'm doing that" feel. I'm guessing you hadn't edited it yet. My suggestion - work on the second paragraph until it flows. Evaluate whether a wrist can really "flick" a heavy barn door open, as well as unnecessary words such as "unidentified" if all you are trying to say is a "...stream of light poured in." Throw in unidentified and suddenly I think we are dealing with a UFO, and even if we are, I don't want to be tipped off like that. I give it a B- but I can tell you can fix it easily. If all three paragraphs read like the first, I would BUY IT. I like your style that much.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 12:01:14 -0800

Thanks for the feedback :) Yeah, I should work on finding some sort of physical gesture to indicate puzzlement, I actually struggled with that one, lol.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 12:26:41 -0800

Thank you =) Helpfull input for sure

Re: Three paragraph critique

Wolf Queen's Phantom — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:23:11 -0800

As I stared out the window, I couldn’t help but wonder what life would be like if there was no war between the gods and demons. There are angels out there but mostly, except for the evil ones, they stay away from the fighting and help the mortals of each land, mainly the God’s land. The Gods had their lands above ground and reach into the skies. The demons are way below ground and hated the Gods for owning more land than they did. I don’t agree with their methods of trying to gain land but I do agree with them that it is unfair of the unequal territories. I wish that someone would stop this war and create equal territories, but no one was smart enough to do that. Plus, no one will listen to a female, who is seventeen years old. I sighed in irritation and turned away from the window to do chores around the house. The house had both light and dark colors which were good for me. However, my dad hated the dark colors and my mom hated the light colors. I am the only child in my family because my mom does not want to risk of being found that she is a demon by anyone including other demons. She feared her own kind and wanted to be a Goddess more than anything. Unfortunately, that is almost literally impossible for her even if she was wearing a disguise that made look like a Goddess. Though I can say she is doing a good job so far. I was discovered by a few people and was badly hurt by their whips and other torturing devices. Those wounds have been healed for a long time and there are no scars to show that I was ever hurt. That is a good thing or otherwise I would be unrecognizable. As I finished cleaning the dishes, I realized that I was going to be late for school but I didn’t care until my mom entered in to the kitchen.

Re: Three paragraph critique

The Pelican Maze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:27:04 -0800

Walking was a favored means of transportation among the residents of Niederstadt. Pedestrians outnumbered cars on roads and sidewalks identically paved with tiles. Under the October evening sky, lifetime residents paid no notice to the sounds of the heavy rain and the tides. Eli Behrmann was a newcomer; he distracted himself from the sounds by counting tiles as he walked. Every four steps, Eli landed on a red square. One, two, three, click. Those who walked in Eli's way were vain antagonists in his march to apartment number 214 at 2 Baileystrasse. Every eight steps, he would glance above the sidewalk to make sure his surroundings matched the images on Google Street View. Eli's path was clear, and his journey uneventful apart from one clash of coats. The other coat said something to Eli, which he guessed was the German equivalent of ``look where you're going". Eli's mother once told him that some people have bad days and vent their frustration on others. It is a necessary part of a virtuous life to bear other people's grievances. He didn't lose a step.

Re: Three paragraph critique

luckyomally — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:35:56 -0800

Thank you! You're right, I haven't edited it yet.. I'll work on it for sure!

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:44:28 -0800

WhooHoo! Thank you! I will work on the choppy parts and re-post later :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Erecura — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:41:55 -0800

Critique: I thought that this was interesting, but I had to read it a few times for it to make sense. First off: Maybe some more description in the first paragraph. It was a bit tedious to read and I thought that the sentence: The demons are way below ground and hated the Gods for owning more land than they did, was a bit strangely placed and the writing was more telling someone what the demons were doing than showing them. There was also the fact that you switched from present to past. This confused me throughout the whole thing. Maybe change it to something like: "The demons had their homes huddled miles below the surface of the ground, constantly growing more and more agitated at the gods who had land in plenty, while they were forced to stay here, underground, in their small homes with little light and only hatred to fuel them on." Sorry. I'm not going to make you use that. Got a bit carried away. Anyways... Second paragraph: Who is the 17 year old female? is it the narrator or someone else. This confused me a bit. If it's the narrator try to indicate that. Wait... it's a war and suddenly this girl is doing chores? What? I thought that the transition could have been planned out better. Again, more description. What is it about the light and dark colors that are good? Why doesn't her mother want others to know that she is a demon? If they are answered later in your story, great, but I was somewhat confused at this.What is the goddess disguise? Third paragraph: What? This makes no sense with the rest. Is she at home with her mother or being found by people with whips? Where was she found? Why? Why is she at home of she was found? Also, she's getting found by people and then washing dishes? I think you need a better transition. Grammer: First, you switch past to present a lot. Other than that, in the first paragraph, God's land should be Gods' land, if there is more than one.Some sentences are fragments, but that's not an issue. A few comma problems, but that was all. Grade: I'd give it a C- to a D+. Probably 70/100 or so. Good things: I think that the story has great potential! The plot is wonderful, and I think that if you clean it up some that it would work out well. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: At the moment it would be turn the page if I didn't put it down. I might read the club, and turn the page to see if the rest was like this section. Sorry I was a bit harsh. I didn't mean to come over that way. I did like it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Erecura — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:46:13 -0800

By the way, If you want to post more than once on this thread with 3 paragraphs you can.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Erecura — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:59:09 -0800

Critique: First Paragraph: Does he know that walking is the favored transport, or does it seem that way? Not a criticism, just wondering. I love the descriptions, and the 'identically paved tiles.' Second paragraph: Why do the red squares click? That jumped out at me. Also, how does he know that these people are vain antagonists? Just wondering. Third paragraph: Clash of coats? What? You could expand on that a bit. I also like the last sentence. Grammer: nada. Thought the grammar was fine. Grade: I'd give it a B+ (89/100) or an A- (90/100) Good things: loved the descriptions and the way that you made it seem like the reader was there. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: turn the page and then maybe buy.

Re: Three paragraph critique

intrikate — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:28:20 -0800

She was sitting in the back row of class and Dr. Boehm was pointing to a large black and white drawing of a human brain. “This is the brain during the theta state.” He said with a soft drone, and Nicole noticed the people sitting at the other desks, as simultaneously they leaned forward and laid their heads on their books, sound asleep. Nicole felt--something--but remained awake, and watched as colors pulsed across the paper drawing in Dr. B’s hand. He dropped his chin and looked at her, his eyes just visible between the dark rim of his glasses and his thick eyebrows, and she realized she wasn’t in class at all. She was seated in her desk, but now her desk was in Dr. B’s kitchen and he was holding the casserole dish. “My secret,” He said and the casserole became a teapot and cup. “Grown in the soil from my home…” His voice had changed. It was a woman’s voice that spoke as he handed her the cup of hot liquid. “You know what home tastes like.” As she took the cup Dr. B faded away. She was no longer sitting in her desk. She wasn’t in his kitchen. It was dark, and the room felt large, like an empty auditorium or, no, a cathedral maybe. She was still holding the teacup and as she looked at it the leaves in the bottom of the cup began to swirl as if the liquid was stirring itself. “Sun and stars…” Someone whispered, but she didn’t know from where. More like it was coming from inside her head. “Sun and stars…” It sounded like a dozen whispered voices in the darkness. “Where you are…” The sound was fading in and out. She knew she was missing the words, but she also knew she should know the words that were missing. “Heart and stone…” Nicole was sure there were pictures in the leaves, like they’d been drawn but the images eroded so they were unrecognizable. “Heart and stone...” The pictures changed with the words and she realized the teacup was freezing cold, though the tea inside was still steaming hot. “Home…” The voices whispered, but she couldn’t quite tell if they were saying “The way home,” or “Your way home.” There was something and then, “Home.” The word echoed in the large room and the floor began to sparkle like it was reflecting light, though she saw no light source. There must be a source, she thought, because she could see the images in the cup, but as she began to reason it, the sparkling images in the stone faded and the light on the cup faded until it was almost gone and she realized it was coming from her. She was the light source. “But…” She said, and she was in her bed. She had said the last word aloud in her sleep.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:58:37 -0800

I agree with Dani, but only by a little bit. You have a gift, and yours is dialogue. Many people are really bad with dialogue, so they fluff up their books with useless description so that you're paying more attention to the picture that they're painting rather than their shortcomings in dialogue. Here is where I differ. When you're dealing with certain areas of the country and similar backgrounds/environments, it's not always necessary to have to change the way that your characters speak. Case in point - I'm a girl from the North, but I've spent some time in the South. As a result, there is a tendency for many people to speak exactly the same way. Sometimes, the only way that you can tell that these are different people is because of their voice. I've heard that it is similar in areas like Brooklyn (from a relative that resided in Bed-Stuy, though). One thing you will also have to do is remain true to your character and remain realistic. My belief is that you should NOT water this exchange down with needless description - that's often what makes me abhor a lot of authors and it kills the mood of a scene when someone is doing something asinine like going into the thought of a character while a detailed dialogue is going on. This is also a damn sight stronger than your paragraph. This is excellent. GRADE: A PURCHASE OR TURN THE PAGE: I would turn the page, and this would become a potential purchase. GENRE: Possibly mainstream.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:14:04 -0800

(I know it says 3 paragraphs, but this is also broken up with lots of dialogue. Bear with me). Dinner the following evening was intense. Caroline initially tried to make attempts at being generous and jovial, but it became much more difficult the more that she looked at Robert. Robert ate heartily, ignoring Caroline as their children conversed with each other. He didn’t bother making eye contact with his angry wife, who, in spite of her forced smile, was staring daggers at him. “You seem to like my food enough. What’s the matter, Bobby? Does she not feed you enough?” Caroline ended her attempts at blitheness, as the children stopped what they were doing and stared at their father quizzically. Bobby slammed his fork against the porcelain plate, breaking it. He glared up at his wife, and sharply answered. “She don’t have to cook. She makes me more satisfied than you can, you old bitch.” Caroline snickered, resting her hand on her hip. “I don’t think that it would take much to satisfy you, Bobby. You weren’t the best lay in the world.” Reaching across the table, Robert extended his hand and harshly struck it across Caroline’s left cheek with a sickening smack. He could feel the heat against his hand, while Caroline’s head snapped to her right side. She bit her tongue, and she could taste the coppery taste of blood in her mouth. She swallowed, not wanting to alarm her children by letting them see her bleed. “Why don’t you tell ‘em, Bobby. Why don’t you tell the kids about her. Why don’t you tell ‘em what a cheatin’ son of a bitch you are.” Caroline turned to her children and started. “Kids, daddy hasn’t been interested in mommy for quite a while. Wanna know why daddy can’t make none of your concerts, recitals and soccer games? Because he’s fuckin’ another woman!” “Rosa!” Robert shouted, summoning a servant. “Come an’ get these kids outta here. Dinner is over!” Rosa nervously scurried to the table, ushering the shell-shocked Bullock children out of the dining room. Things had devolved, and the maids had no desire for the children to be around such a turbulent environment. After the children left the room, Bobby moved his food to one side of the table. Standing up, he walked to Caroline’s side of the table, and lowered his head. With a wicked smile on his face, he slapped Caroline once more, this time knocking her from her chair. “You seem to be quiet. You were talkin’ good before. I know you got somethin’ to say,” Robert began to kick her, his foot meeting her stomach as a wrenching pain flooded through Caroline. She balled up and retched, the contents of her stomach emptied against the clean wooden floors. Robert picked her up and pulled her hair, moving her to another side of the room. “It’s not fittin’ for you to throw up your food. Especially not after the chef spent so much time on it,” Robert sneered as he held onto her hair. “C’mon, ain’t you gonna talk?” Caroline remained silent. “I didn’t think so, woman. Clean up this here mess. I’m goin’ to bed,” Robert fixed his suit and walked out of the room. Rosa, as well as two other servants, moved to console the battered Caroline, now bloodied and crying, parts of her wet with vomit. Rosa, the family nanny, immediately escorted Caroline from the room as two other servants moved to clean the aftermath of broken dishes, glasses shattered and vomit across the wooden floors.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:55:49 -0800

First impression: hasn't been proofread, clumsy. critique: minor problem: typos, but it's just post nano now so it's understandable. Major problem: description is too brief and not physical enough and your language is detracting from the scene and mood. Run on sentences don't heighten the tension, and everything is distanced from the action and zoe experiences things mentally rather than physically. Make your long sentences short, and describe things physically, e.g. instead of, "The touch of the iron was the most painful thing she had ever felt," describe the pain. Also, you can't scream when you're out of breath so fix that, and run through for other innacuracies (I also suspect iron will burn red-hot not white-hot in an ordinary fire). The second paragraph is a different scene and it's easier on critics if you give them multiple paragraphs from one scene, by the way. But it also needs a lot more physical description. She realized she was shackled to a wall? How? Do the chains clink and does she trip on them? Can she feel their weight on her ankles? Again, she realised that her ankles were torn and bleeding - show the pain of them tearing. Also, in the next sentence, she touches one and her finger comes away wet - if she already knew they were bleeding, then why would she do this? Also, lunged is too energetic. I would expect Zoe to lie down on the floor and stretch herself out to her utmost, because you know she's burned and bleeding and chained in presumably heavy chains. Grammar: Not an issue. Grade: I don't grade, sorry. Good things: Coherent and logical, from what I've read here it seems like the scene is well-developed in your mind. This is definite first draft status but after editing I would turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:13:48 -0800

First impression: Very choppy, feels rushed. Seems to be part of a fairly intricate plot, albeit not a genre I'd read (crime drama?) Critique: Minor problems: The barkeep is a silent actor here. Either get rid of him and make them pour their own cognac, or make him do something significant (then again, I don't know what came before this so maybe he does have some purpose). Major problems: Language is too choppy, too many dialogue tags, and the writing is simple and brief while the dialogue is lengthy - that could be a stylistic thing though, and you can make that work.Go through everything that isn't dialogue (or dialogue tags) and smooth it out. E.g. Johnny kicked at Tony's chair as his dad came through the back door, rather than "Johnny kicked the chair that Tony used. His father walked in right after that. He came in from the back." Also, way too many dialogue tags. Get rid of them wherever they aren't absolutely neccessary. This is a conversation between two people so there really shouldn't be many of them. Bruno asked his son... answered his son coming straight after each other is just too much tag. Grammar: Okay, but not great. E.g. "the chair that Tony used" should be "the chair that Tony had used. Good things: Dialogue. It's carrying the plot at the moment, and even though I don't know the details of the plot, I'm pretty sure it's doing it well. A few points seemed stiff to me, e.g. W...Where did you come from? I'd just have "Where did you come from?" because I dislike elipses unless absolutely neccessary. but for the most part, good.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:22:37 -0800

I'm really not sure how to take this. It reads something like a fairy tale/fable/epic poem but the subject matter isn't. For the first paragraph you're just rushing onwards and describing this happened, that happened, and then that happened. Same as the second paragraph. They need description, to me. Also, you seem to change perspectives too rapidly, between Nyota and Ashuton. It's confusing. Last paragraph you begin to infodump. As I said, I'm not sure how to read this so I don't think I can critique it fairly, but if I was going to read this, I'd need a lot more show and a lot less tell.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:34:03 -0800

First impression: Oooooh playful writing! Critique: Minor problems: too many brackets, keep them for humorous/ironic effect, not for every sentence, and their impact will be stronger. Also, 'who could do something horrific' is very similar to 'who could hurt such a beautiful creature?' Hurting beautiful things is horrific, generally. And there's no need to have a full stop after ?" Major problems: Not many, really. It needs a bit of smoothing down, there a couple of redundancies, e.g. "only inclined his head briefly towards me, barely registering my presence". Sentence structure could be more variable I think. Minor problem: "I looked in the mirror and didn’t instantly recognise my face, my eyes having been replaced into the face of someone who wasn’t about to make everything a whole lot worse" I really like this sentence but it needs smoothing down. Grade: I don't grade. Grammar: pretty good. good things: interesting, got a unique voice, and fairly well-written. I really liked it. buy, turn, shelve - I'd read on a bit and then I'd probably buy.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:35:32 -0800

having now read your summary, I'd definately buy.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:50:14 -0800

First impression: oh god no, abusive parents. Minor problems: You will lose a LOT of readers by starting out with a story of abusive parents, because either they will feel instant sympathy for the character or instant contempt for the writer. I strongly advise you to show a character's personality before you show that their parents were abusive, not to mention, you're painting the parents as nasty people when they could be distracted or dealing with more important issues than an annoying kid. Greyscale is more interesting than black and white. Oh, and I've never seen a horse with ebony hooves. They tend to be dark grey, dirty, and dull. Major problems: Not many. The word-choices aren't always perfect and the language can be a bit stilted, but this is a rough draft so that's expected. Also, dialogue feels a bit iffy to me. Good things: coherent and grammatical. Buy, turn, shelve: I'd shelve this because it starts out with abusive parents and a prologue that shows the main character as a toddler when I'd only care about him as an adult. If these paragraphs were from another section of the story, I'd probably turn the page though.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:51:40 -0800

Lui let out a sound of frustration, but then he started laughing and Laura was sure something inside him had snapped. She glanced at him worriedly. “Laura, it’s classic,” he said, “Thomas Brown -- Afraid of Technology! You should have seen him the first time he used a bread toaster.” Lui got something nostalgic in his eyes and then he burst out laughing again. Laura found herself smile, but immediately put on a more suitable stern face. Lui’s statement had surprised her but didn’t mean she was on good terms with him. Far from. But when he stopped laughing and wiped his eyes, the curiosity got the best of Laura, “What happened with the toaster?”

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:05:05 -0800

Critique: I really likd this even though I'm not a fan of dreams in novels. Especially not if answers come to a character in his/her sleep.. Unless it's some kind of magic theme or something.. There are a few sentences that feels a bit long and could benefit from some creative butchering. Grammer: You begin the majority of your sentences with She/The noun/There + verb. Try some purpousful variation. Grade: 4 Good things: I like the quotations "Sun and stars" "Heart and stone" The scene is interesting and this means alot comming from me who is a found dreamer in reality but not in my reading. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would turn the page, or have a look at the cover and synopsis. If I guess that the whole book is a bunch of dream scence I'd probably lose interest. I want to know what Sun and stars means.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:07:38 -0800

First impression: strong start, bland continuation. Minor problems: Naturally, first-draft, needs smoothing out. Major problems: this is an introduction, yeah? The first paragraph is great. The second and third devolve into infodump. Also - I was cast out my community - and - I will marry a son from the community when I am of age - contradiction. It makes me confused as to where Delia's telling this story from - has everything already happened or is it just about to? I am incredibly biased against this kind of exposition beginning, but I would much prefer something where like, the Flyhorn come into town and Delia runs off to meet them even though the rest of the community are all like, "What are you doing Delia? You're not a kid anymore; you don't have the time to listen to their stories". Action. Also, from what you've written here, I'm beginning to get an idea of what the plot might be, which isn't good this early in the book. Even if I'm mistaken, I think you're giving a bit too much away too soon. Grammar: pretty good. Good things: nice first paragraph, very coherent and readable, solid voice, and looks like a pretty interesting setting. I also like that the MC is attached to her mum, because it throws in a small conflict, and because I'm sick of reading about selfish characters. Buy, turn, shelve: I suspect this book isn't for me, but I'd turn the page to check.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:15:34 -0800

First impression: how can you forcibly pull a blanket? Minor problems: cluttered writing. It could be simplified. broken-down not broken down. She and her superior not her and her superior. Major problems: Not many. This is pretty good. Grammar: okay but not brilliant. There are times I had to re-read sentences to understand what they really meant, but that might be because I don't know what happened before this point in the story. Good things: Getting right inside the character's head very nicely, description is handled pretty well. Buy, turn, shelve: turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:18:38 -0800

Critique: I read till Robert called for Rosa. I think that your writing is clear and easy to follow. There are some action that I would have wanted to strip down, make it more raw. In particular the slapp in Carolines face. I don't care for the emotional abuse of the children. I understand that Caroline and Robert are upset, but I think they could have waited and discussed this without screaming bad words and grown-up naughtyness infront of the children... As such I don't find the characters likable. Grammer: Your grammar is fine as far as I can deduce. Grade: 3 Good things: You convey the scene in a really clear writing. There's no confusion as to what's happening. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would put it down. But that's probably due to the fact that this isn't my genre. I've had enough family drama to run away from books like yours. Another reader may well turn the page. In fact I believe they would.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Meiveva Sirenice — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:20:12 -0800

Critique: A couple things jumped out at me. One was the line, "Reaching across the table, Robert extended his hand and harshly struck it across Caroline’s left cheek with a sickening smack." I really liked the end, but the beginning of the sentence went too slow for me. I wasn't sure what he was doing and the image in my head didn't have the abruptness and quick motion of a slap. If you could tighten up the sentence I think it would be really good. Another thing was Caroline's sudden silence. It seemed odd that after verbally attacking him she fell silent and was reduced to tears. It seemed to me that after brazenly calling out her husband and swallowing blood so the children didn't see her bleed, she wouldn't cry so quickly after the beating but remain bitter and hold her head high, maybe crying later. However, I've only gotten a glimpse of her character so I could be totally off here. Grammer: I'm not an expert, but it seemed pretty good to me. Grade: A. Definitely. Good things: I liked how dramatic it was. I really liked the shock factor of shouting it out in front of their children and I feel like you really showed Caroline's and Robert's characters very well in just those short paragraphs. A very good job. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I would probably read the back to decide if I should buy it and at the very least turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:25:57 -0800

Well-written but not a nice passage to critique for the reasons shadowphaze gave. The imagery is okay but we need context. "another droplet falling from somewhere above" the somewhere makes this clumsy. A leaf above, or just above, would be better. Predecessor is also a bit ... odd. But I can't think of anything else that fits. Frankly, this seems pretentious to me. Too muhc imagery, too much metaphor, too much intellectualism. And y'know, nothing actually happens. This might be the most important scene of your story, but without context these three paragraphs are about as meaningful as a first year philosophy student's exam paper. But yeah, the writing is fine.

Re: Three paragraph critique

The Pelican Maze — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:04:09 -0800

Thanks for the critique. I'll have a careful look at some of my word choices.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Harlow — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:17:15 -0800

I know I'm not supposed to explain, but a bit of information about this. Robert (Sen. Robert Bullock) is the antagonist of the title. He's abusive and puts his wife and kids through the same abuse. Later in the chapter, it's explained that because of his abuse, his children don't see him when they come home from college. Even more fun is that he's running for Senate as an incumbent. I'm planning to write this out as a series, so he and Caroline will explained in a lot more detail. Caroline is obviously a battered wife.

Re: Three paragraph critique

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:58:32 -0800

Haha cool. I really love your writing and the way you build suspense. Lui's shoulder is awesome, and I love the body as well as Laura's reaction to it. :) Again, though, a few things to consider. "The was air cold" should be "the air was cold." I suspect that you made this mistake because your brain corrected for what it should be. To avoid this kind of problem, read your writing out loud. Also, I don't think that the black void invaded Laura. If it did, I think this sentence needs to be clearer, but the sentence is not so distracting that I would stop reading to correct it in my mind. I also have trouble picturing the car doors opening and closing. What exactly is going on here? If two doors opened at the same time, then that needs to be stated. I really like the way you punctuated around the body and the fact that you described that it was warm. I'm not sure what the rasping sound of metal against the asphalt is about- does the reader? Is he supposed to know? Finally, are you still looking for beta readers? I must admit that I'm kind of hooked on your style. :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Dani Marchand — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:26:30 -0800

fni~ Critique: There was nothing bad about this excerpt, but I find myself feeling mostly neutral toward it and wondering why you picked this, above all else. It seems like it would be much more engaging in context than it is here. It's like pasta without sauce -- an important element of the meal overall, but nothing to be amazed at in itself, if that makes any sense. Grammar: Nothing wrong here. A few sentences could flow better, specifically the first one and the second one in the third paragraph. The only real error I noticed is the comma before the final bit of dialogue, which should be a period instead. I'm not so sure about capitalizing Afraid either. Grade: B Good things: I can't tell much from this, but I feel like your characterization is strong. I can picture your characters' expressions even though I don't know what they look like, and I think it tells me something about who they are. I also did end up curious about what happened with the toaster, too. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page, but the writing isn't quite strong enough to keep me reading unless you manage to get me engaged with the plot or characters' personalities.

Re: Three paragraph critique

9393usak — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:46:41 -0800

"I remember the accident," I called out to the empty air. "I can't see anything." I took a deep breath and gradually came to my senses. "If this is heaven," I joked weakly, "I'm going to need a refund." Instead of laughter, I heard fear and shock come hurtling toward me. I heard it in the fallen objects and in the quick, shallow breath. I heard it in the strong, unfamiliar hand which grasped mine, holding it there with an iron grip which seemed to say that I was falling and it was the only thing keeping me alive. And I heard the reassuring voice of one who needed reassurance himself. "Don't ask, you're safe," he said. I heard frantic rustling through a drawer. "You didn't need to be awake for this." I heard anguish and pain that made me feel the world was cruel to make an angel suffer. All of a sudden, this pain came searing up my backbone, up my neck, and into my head. Tears forced their way into my unseeing eyes and in that instant, all I wanted to do was die. My hands contorted into inhuman claws. I remembered hearing about the German gas chambers and how the prisoners inside were driven to such misery that they tried to claw their way out and their fingernails were found embedded in the concrete ceilings. Only now could I understand the mad desire and inflamed senses they must have experienced. I felt my nails writhe uncontrollably into the palms of my skin and break the tough layers, releasing blood, but I could barely feel the pain. It was inconsequential compared to the slicing of nerves that was happening inside my head.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 04:43:42 -0800

Thank yo so much! Yeah.. I was editing this scene and thought I'd put something from it up... Realised afterwards that it was a bit out of context and not very representative of my writing. Thanks for pointing that out! As for what happend with toaster.. I don't know if someone will hit me with a bat for posting it here... I guess since it wont be literally I'll take my chances.. “It was quite hilarious actually,” Lui said sounding glad she had asked. “Thomas and I were staying at this hotel that had bought a pop-up toaster. They were just entering the market then. I think it was in Ohio, 1925… anyway, it was a Toastmaster 1-A-1. The first pop-up toaster for home use. ‘The toast can’t burn,’” he said in a voice that could have booked him any job in the commercial industry. He fell quiet and in the periphery Laura saw him frown and then raise his eyebrows. They were driving past Philip’s, and the Laura wondered if she should jump off or stay. Was she really free to go? She stopped the car and glanced at Lui cautiously, nervously awaiting his reaction. “Time really does fly,” he said and Laura wasn’t sure if he was talking about the last eighty decades or the short car ride. “You still want to hear about the toaster?” “Sure,” Laura said, hoping she hadn’t said yes to more than a short anecdote. “So: one night sometime in the mid, roaring 20’s, Thomas lost a bet to me, and as a consequence he had to prepare me breakfast the following morning. I told him that I wanted a toast, and our handsome friend, who wasn’t up to date with technology, asked me how the machine worked. So I told him to place the bread in the oven slots, push the levels on the side, and…well you know how those work, right Laura?” Laura rolled her eyes. Of course she knew how a bread toaster worked, she couldn’t even remember a time when she hadn’t known. But she must have seen her parents use it. Not that a toaster had many features. She probably would have managed to operate it even if she had never seen one being used before… “I sat back and watched while Thomas battled the technological wonders of the time,” Lui went on. “He followed my instructions and while the toaster was doing its thing he stood patiently and waited as only he can, and then, Whoosh! Up came the bread and along came Thomas.” Lui laughed. “I’ve _never_ seen a higher startle reflex since. It was _spec-tac-ular_. Or the cat’s meow as we said back then.” [_italics_]

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:02:22 -0800

Critique: First off! Thanks for enriching my morning coffee with a good laugh. The refund quote was hillarious. Tells me I'd enjoy your humour! As for the second two paragraphs: I feel that something that should be terryfying leave me behind due to the pace. I feel a bit left out, obviously "I" is terrified, but I am not. Your short excerpt here, contain both good writing and too much writing. Some of your wording is fairly brilliant and orifinal, some is just unnessesary wordiness. For example I really liked: All of a sudden, this pain came searing up my backbone, [up my neck,] and into my head. [Redundant wordiness since backbone runs through neck and neck is connected to head.] For example I didn't care for the pace of this: Tears forced their way into my unseeing eyes and in that instant, all I wanted was die. Grammar: You've got it! Grade: A- Good things: Your originality and the clear writing. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page, but the pace isn't going to hold my interest for too long. I'm affraid that if "I" was to die it would last over several pages, killing the effect in the process.

Re: Three paragraph critique

xemmawhyx — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:14:11 -0800

He was staggering through the desert, every move and action taking so much energy that he was starting to wonder if it was best to simply give up. To stop, to never move again. For at least that way, he would not have to think of them again. He would not have to think of all those had left behind, of all those who still hoped and prayed for his return. Surely, they had realized by then that he could never come home? It was an almost statistical impossibility, the likelihood of survival slimmer day by day. Staring up at the vultures circling up ahead, he smiled grimly. They were waiting for him, as they truly always had. They had been his constant companion through this entire journey, and they were still waiting for him now.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:23:17 -0800

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes I realized the "was" got misplaced... The doors are not opening at the same time. It's first one then the other.. I may try to clarify that it's the same car that Laura just exited. And the void could less intrusive ;) The rasping sound on the asphalth is hopefully clear to the reader who has paid atention. But I want to make the sound more specific.. without saying the rsping sound of an attaché case against the asphalth. =) I am still looking for beta-readers. I need to warn you that my style also contains a good deal of dialogue, but judging from your refund-on-heaven line, I think you'd enyou the banter. Send me an NaNo-mail or regular at fanhe322(@)student(.)liu(.)se (and no that's not lui.se...)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:49:52 -0800

For xemmawhyx! Critique: I think you're style of writing is very easy to follow and works well for targeting teenagers and young adults. But from these three paragraphs alone I'm confused about what exactly is going on. Who is the main character? You used "they", "he", etc. But it's okay to use names once in awhile to make more connections between the reader and the story so it doesn't feel as generic. If these were the first three paragraphs, I probably would start to feel frustrated by the lack of who characters are, where exactly they are. If these are later on in the story, you should be fine. :) Grammar: "Surely, they had realized..." That shouldn't end in a question mark because it is a statement. "They had been his constant companion..." It should be "companions" because there is more than one vulture. "...as they truly always had..." This is just opinion but if you removed "truly" it would have more impact. Grade: A Good Things: Your writing style is very simple, which is good to keep younger reader's attention and your minimal description really has a strong impact. You're really wonderful at writing! I also LOVE the vultures! :D (This is my first critique ever, I hope I helped somewhat!)

Re: Three paragraph critique

thedragongod — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:57:36 -0800

thank you for the critique. I picked the three paragraphs from anywhere in the book, they aren't the same scene which is probably why it was a mess. Sorry if it confused you. Poetry is more my specialty, which is why it reads like poetry, but you are right, it needs more description. The book itself was intended to be science fiction but somehow a few fantasy elements wriggled themselves in there. Thank you for the critique, I appreciate it!

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:10:32 -0800

“Mr. Wagner, have you had any experience in a secretarial position?” “What does the word secretarial mean?” “You know, paper work? Answering the phone and putting people on hold? Lots of writing in English? Maybe you like research or organization?” asked Mr. Fairview. He clenched his clipboard, excited to check off the last box on the interview sheet. The two had been checking off boxes and filling in forms for the past three hours and Harley Wagner’s English had begun to blur in a flurry of conjugations and Latin roots. There was only so much he could take of Mr. Fairivew and his armpit sweat rings before accents slipped and speech became slurred. “I’ll even count poetry as past experience!” said Mr. Fairview, leaning across the table. “ Well, I did write a haiku in Kindergarten once...” “You’re hired.” The old man behind the counter shuffled his papers together, stuffing them all into a manila folder. Medical records, insurance sheets, and the school permission form were popped into the bowels of the desk drawer, never to resurface again except in the case of a lawsuit. With papers out of the way, Mr. Fairview dug into the very back of his desk, past the bail money and emergency candy stash, all the way to his treasured rule book. Harley watched him wearily and tugged on the collar of his suit, feeling stuffy in the office room. It would’ve been classy and elegant with fancy furniture and fine hardwood floors, but the inspirational kitten posters and the dozens of anti-drug pin ups killed the mood. The posters covered up so much wall space, Harley could only guess what the wallpaper design would be. He was guessing paisley, like the print on his new boss’ tie.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:13:41 -0800

Oh! And I forgot to say I would turn the page! I haven't been hooked enough to buy it just yet, but I'm sure I will be! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:20:53 -0800

So ... I'll give you another three paragraphs. It's really hard to find something in the middle of a novel that can be taken out of context ... ----------------------------------------------------- Mateo looked over the table towards Akir. His brother had plunked himself down on a similar bench, the only furniture in the room beside the table. The men who had escorted Mateo to the room in the morning now stood outside. They had told Akir he did not have to stay, but he had insisted and Mateo was grateful for it. He wasn't exactly afraid, but very nervous and also a bit curious. Akir had apparantly asked around a bit, but not gotten any more answers than they had been told yesterday. They were expected to answer some questions, separately, but was not to consider themselves as prisoners. Mateo wondered what those men outside was supposed to be if not guards. They had not locked the door, but it was evident that at least Mateo was not to leave. As if he had anywhere to go. "Why are they doing this?" Akir's patience seemed on the brink. They had asked that question over and over during the night, and according to Mateo there were only one answer. The Council members did not believe what they had told them. Akir alleged that the people here did not lie, as well as the Charii didn't. They might not tell the whole truth, but what they did say was true as they saw it. That made for great loopholes, though. Mateo knew very well Akir kept things from him, but as far as he knew he had never lied to him or anyone else. Surely he had sometimes refused to tell, and let Mateo reach wrong conclusions from what he did tell without correcting him, but that was not lying. Since Mateo discovered he was Charii he had tried to do the same, and realized how extremely difficult it could be. "They know we haven't lied." Akir still seemed almost shocked that they even could think that. "Perhaps," Mateo sighed, "but its obvious that they are not satisfied with what we have told them so far. It's me, you know that too. Despite differences, you belong here. Even I can see that your manners and way of thinking mirror theirs. Mine doesn't. We might look like brothers, but we don't act the part."

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:31:54 -0800

Critique: The language flows nicely. I think this is not the first paragraphs? I would have liked a name of the MC, not only "he" - that would make it more personal. I would also like to know more of "them" he is thinking of - are they friends, family? Somehow the word "statistical" jar a bit to me ... but depending on the narrator it might be perfectly right. Grammar: I don't usually say anything about this, since English is my second language, but I would have said "they had realized by now" - not "by then" - and the vultures should be "companions" as they are more than one. Grade: A- Good Things: Simple sentences makes for easy understanding. I really like the last sentence! Buy, put down, or tun the page? Definetly turn the page. Depending on backside blurb and some other pages i might buy it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

vmorr — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:05:20 -0800

Thank you for your feedback!! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:19:40 -0800

Haha thanks. :D Well, I wrote this two or three years ago, and I know it's not up to my standards of where I want it to be. I don't particularly like the pacing yet either. Unfortunately, I usually pace things with dialogue and frequent paragraph breaks, which isn't something that works particularly well for a three paragraph sample. :) The pacing thing is something I've had a few comments on, so I'll have to work on that. Thanks for the critique!

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:20:37 -0800

Thanks for critiquing! I understand most points you have said, but I'm afraid that I was told by several people that using that opening would be the 'hook', and I'm also afraid that the entire story centres around abusive parents; this IS the story. I understand comments about word choices and dialogue but, as you have said, it is a first draft and so I wouldn't expect it to be perfect. But yes, the whole story follows on like this and so I'm afraid that there's not really any easy way to open dramatically without mentioning the abuse; perhaps you can suggest an easier way?

Re: Three paragraph critique

Nikk_E — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:13:18 -0800

Oh thanks. These are things I'll think about. I didn't realize my sentence structures were so poorly constructed until three writers pointed it out. Thanks so much > w<. I'll definitely be looking at this with a more critical eye sentence by sentence to make sure everything makes sense again.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:03:13 -0800

Critique: The first read through, I found the paragraphs very bland and not strong enough to hold my attention. I think it comes from the more passive phrases: "they had", "they were", etc. If you could spice up some of the sentences with a greater span of word choices and reword some of the more passive phrases, then I think your paragraphs would be perfect! You’re showing more than you are telling so try to add in some Also, get rid of words like "apparently" and "a bit" because they detract from the overall affect of reading it, they don't add to the image. Another sentence would be “Akir still seemed almost shocked”. You should change that to “Akir still seemed shocked.” or even “Akir seemed schocked”. Also I really liked the sentence about loopholes, just get rid of the "though" at the end it it will become a more powerful sentence. Overall it sounds like you have a WONDERFUL plot!! :D Grammar: "Akir had apparently asked around a big, but not gotten..." I don't know about this one, but "not gotten" was a little odd to read. Maybe "had not gotten"? "...and according to Mateo there were only one answer." It should be "there was only one answer" Grade: B Good Thingies: From those paragraphs you seem to have thought out the world your characters live in and you also seem to be moving towards a strong plot. I thought the dialogue for paragraph three was really cute too. :) FANTASTIC! Would I...:The plot sounds interesting, but I would probably put the book down unless the language and variety of word choice was more attention grabbing and gave a more in depth look at your characters and their world, then I would be anxious to turn the page because I would be so absorbed in the novel! Again: FANTASTIC JOB! Your story sounds like there’s so much more too it! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:29:41 -0800

Sorry, when I was trying to describe the more passive phrases I think I made it confusing. XD I mean instead of saying: "They had asked that question over and over during the night, and according to Mateo there were only one answer." Maybe change up the word structure and say something like: "Every night, the question had been turned over and over but Mateo knew in his heat there could only be one answer." I dunno. XD

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:30:11 -0800

Wah, instead of "heat" I meant "heart". XD Forgive me!

Re: Three paragraph critique

MissMaro — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:59:22 -0800

Critique: It kept my interest for sure. I was a little confused about why the horses were whinnying. My understanding is that they whinny when they're separated from each other, and they are trying to find each other. And I'm wondering if the horse actually grunts. He might snort if he thinks the kid is dangerous, and that could explain why he rears up a little later. Also, I believe a horse's 'fur' is usually called a coat, so that word choice was a little jarring, but I really liked the suspense in the kid's confrontation with the horse. Grammar: The grammar seemed fine to me, but some of the writing seemed a bit rough. Grade: 3.5 (either 1-5 or letter grades) Good things: I already included the good things, I think. Good suspense, and the little boy caught my interest and sympathy for sure. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I'd probably put the book down at 'fur.'

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:44:06 -0800

Interesting! That makes sense too! Thank you for your feedback. I will definitely take that into account. :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

BlessedBklynite — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:50:07 -0800

Thank you very much for your feedback. I like what you said about having too many dialog tags. I agree. I will work on that. I have an issue on how to use dialog tags so I will have to do some research on that. The barkeep is meant to be silent during this dialog, but I will add something like, after he poured the cognac, he headed to the basement to give them some privacy... or, you know, remove him from the scene. He was active right before the beginning of the dialog, so since he is not used here, you're right, he should be dismissed. Thank you for your advice!

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:22:43 -0800

I don't think this is much of a hook. Kid's parents are mean and neglectful, kid runs off and gets kicked by a horse. And the kid's parent... aren't that mean. If the entire thing centres around absuive parents, and the choice of never coming back to them or coming when they need help, pick a stronger moment. And I honestly think a kid = poor moment, If you can get inside Merril's thoughts, you've got more emotions to work with, and a kid doesn't have much. When you begin with a kid, all you've got to draw in your readers is the natural sympathy that comes with small fluffy animals, and not everyone has much of that kind of sympathy. In fact, I would start off wtih his parents being super nice to him when he's older - say in his teens - and Merril being at first suspicious of their motives, and then tentatively happy that they're being kind to him - only to have them turn around and it turns out the only reason they were being nice is because they wanted something from him and when he doesn't give it to them they turn from carrot to stick - e.g. they bought him a new horse because they've just sold his oldest, most favourite stallion to the local horsebreeder for stock, or they're giving him new clothes because they're having a party and he will be there and he will show their friends how awesome thier son is, and when he embarasses them slightly in front of said friends, they blow up in his face. That is, I would begin with the psychology of the abuse and Merril's feelings, rather than the fact of the abuse and merril's actions. I'm sorry I was harsh before - I thought you were using nasty parents to drive sympathy for your protagonist, which always irritates me. If you're exploring the decisions between abandoning the nasty family and running away for himself, then it's much more interesting.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:25:52 -0800

I have read one book before that was written like a series of poems, but it was a novel. I really liked it - but it was YA/drama so things could be simpler and more conceptual, I suppose. It would be harder to do that with fantasy/sci-fi themes but if it was done well I think it could be awesome. So, you don't neccessarily need to curb your poetic insticts :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:03:59 -0800

First impression: stiff dialogue Crit: Minor problems: commas needed. Major problems: needs cleaning up, it's messy, and yeah, the dialogue's iffy. It does feel weak to me, but mainly because the wording isn't refined and because of the last paragraph. E.g. she turned back to face forward - she turned around? As the voices called out again pleading for help the ring’s light seemed to vibrate with the shattered sound of their voices. As the voices called out again, pleading for help, the light seemed to vibrate? What's a shattered sound, by the way? She quickly stepped backwards, and immediately felt... Even as she stepped backwards, she felt guilty - she stepped backwards, guiltily - she stepped backward and immediately felt guilty/shamed. Quickly feels unneccessary here, and I'm not too fond of immediately either. Dissapointment - why? Guilt I understand because she's leaving some pitiful voices alone, but dissapointment seems the wrong kind of emotion. Unless she's disappointed in herself in which case shame/guilt etc. are probably better choices. "Are you trying to scare me? It’s a nice trick. And you know it’s working…" this seems incredibly unrealistic to me. Especially followed by she hated to admit she was afraid. Then the line after that about weakness.... well when I'm confronted by bodiless voices and glowing circles, I'm not gonna be thinking about people judging me. This sentence would be better in a less tension filled moment, and Ava would be better off bluffing that she's not scared and revealing in her thoughts that she's terrified. Good things: I like the bit about her aunt's rules, but I think it would have more impact and be smoother if earlier in the story her aunt was being like, "Don't talk to strangers. Don't go to bed with your hair wet, etc." and Ava's remembering that now and thinking none of it is any use in current circumstances. If this is early in the book, then of course that's irrelevant, so I'd just clean up those lines a bit, because they're kind of clunky but nice. Structurally, in terms of passage, voice, passage, voice, good. grammar: Okay, but you need more commas. Also, you mix a plural - Aunt's warnings hadn't..... and it hadn't... should be they. Buy, turn, shelve: turn.

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:19:33 -0800

First impression: well written, modern, the guy seems like a dick - and since this is from teh girl's perspective that's a good thing. Crit: minor problems: he clarifies, continuing unmercifully. Either, he clarifies. Continuing unmercifully, "dhadsg or he clarifies. "Souah. I prefer just he clarifies. Khet, you know, - is this the girl, or his boyfriend? I can't tell, but if it's the boyfriend the full stop needs to be a hyphen or something. "She ignores the strange comment, continuing to eat, wondering if this man just wants to get onto the heterosexual floor, or if he wants to get onto the heterosexual floor with her" reword smoother, I dislike contuing..., wondering.... straight after each other. Either start a new sentence with her wondering or her thoughts or put an and between. I think switching straight to her thoughts has more impact, e.g. Does this man just want to... but I don't know if you're writing thoughts directly into narrative. "The silent hint" just the hint is probably better. 'Repeats his request again' repeat and again = redundancy. She nicely replies - politely? noting an invitation... this seems a bit too quick to note. She should give him the chance to ask before scorning him like this. Major problems: none :) good things: I think it's great. I'm getting a clear sense of both personalities through just this tiny bit of dialogue, and it's very smoothly written. To my eyes, it really just needs some tweaking of the minutiae. grammar: good. buy, turn, shelve: I'd turn the page - not having a summary I don't know if I'll actually like the story, but I like the writing at least.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:28:33 -0800

Critique: I like this a lot! It's quirky, funny, you described everything pretty well (I could imagine everything clearly and I love being able to do that with a piece of writing), and it leaves me wanting to know more about why this guy hired him so quickly despite having no credentials and not-perfect English. At first, I thought this scene would be highly unlikely in a real job interview (probably just because of the economy nowadays), but then my curiosity got the better of me and I began to wonder what the boss really has in store for this guy. Besides, not all exactly novels take place in our world/our time period. Good job! Grammer: I don't think I saw any glaring grammar issues in this. Grade: A! Good things: The description of the scenes as well as the humor in them! Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page!

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:29:19 -0800

*besides, not all novels Dunno where the "exactly" came from/was supposed to be...

Re: Three paragraph critique

annaspargoryan — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:33:25 -0800

This is taken from somewhere in the middle. Any and all critique heartily welcomed! ---------------------------------------------- She remembered her relationship growing up with her own dad. Life on the farm had been pretty tough going most of the time - the weather was always wrong, the crops were always dying, the sheep were always fly blown, the farmhands were always stealing. Some days the only food on the table was three day old bread and a few eggs from their own chickens, and it was even less when shared between the four of them. But somehow there was always a glass of orange juice and a boiled sweet for Dana. Niall Byrne was a hard man with skin as dark as the earth and hair like salt and his face spoke all the words he never managed to say with his voice. He never took off his hat, not even at the dinner table and probably not even when he lay down with his wife at night, but he always washed his hands clean whenever he came inside. He had had a rocky relationship with Dana’s much older half-brother, Angus, from his first marriage. The younger Byrne man wanted nothing more than to turn his back on the farm and head to the city to be a lawyer. From the time he was a small child, he had hated living in the country. His little friends caught yabbies in nearby creeks and forced them to race each other, but Angus was always off to the side with his head in a book. Someone at the library had let him borrow a book about Sydney - even though he didn’t have his own card and his mother would never have approved - and he was engrossed in it, extending the loan time after time to run his fingers along the curves of the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. Niall was disappointed in his son to some extent, but as time went on he completely lost interest. When Angus finally did leave for Sydney, his father waved from the paddock. Years later the old man got on a plane for the first time in his long life and watched his son graduate with a Master of Laws and saw a man wearing a skirt for the very first time. On his sixty-fifth birthday, his son returned to the farm in a wooden box and the boys from the creek came to farewell him at the local cemetery and no one ever said ‘AIDS’ but they all thought it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:34:41 -0800

Zane crawled over the charred ground using only his arms because he was forced to drag his limp and non-responsive legs behind him. Shards of glass, pieces of debris and bits of wood were buried deep into his skin, but he continued on, unwilling to give up so prematurely. He shut his left eye because the blood gushing from his forehead was ruining his vision. The hundreds of people who had lived in the village of Keilzon all their lives paid the price for his disrespect with their property and their blood. Almost everything was destroyed, and if it were not for the dear wish to see his family for the first time again in twelve years spurring him on, the guilt would have forced him to crumple up on the spot and stop moving. However, after traversing some distance, the pain in Zane’s back finally triumphed over him and he collapsed for a moment. He had reached the spot where his old house used to stand, and there was nothing left behind except a small pile of rubble and what looked to be a few burnt bodies nearby. “It’s no use going any further now,” he told himself. All over, the same misery had been following him no matter how far he went: the smell of smoldering bodies, the sound of people groaning and children crying for their mothers and fathers, the taste of blood in his mouth, the agonizing pain from the foreign objects in his body. But worst of all were the soaring flames that caused the torment; they consumed everything in tall columns, stretching up to the sky and destroying everything without penitence or restraint. Zane turned his head to the side, away from the fires and instead to an alleyway, scorched and barren. -- Probably going to edit out the "guilt" parts since it might be out of place, but I thought I should post it as is to see what I get.

Re: Three paragraph critique

annaspargoryan — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:47:34 -0800

Critique: On the whole, I like it a lot. The imagery is strong and Zane's misery is obvious. I do think some of the wording is clumsy and detracts from the overall feel of it though, for example: - Zane crawled over the charred ground using only his arms because he was forced to drag his limp and non-responsive legs behind him. There's a lot of 'telling' in this sentence - it might show the reader more if it was something like "Zane was dismayed to find his legs limp and weak. His only option was to force his tired arms to pull him across the charred ground."? "... the pain in Zane's back finally triumphed over him" - I would use a word like "overwhelmed" or "succumbed" here. "After some distance, Zane finally succumbed to the relentless back pain." Grammar: Grammar seems good. Sentence structure is good. Just the bits I mentioned above. Grade: Er ... B? Good things: I really like the tone overall, it is heart breaking. Buy, put down, or tun the page? Probably turn the page - this part of the story doesn't read like a genre I would normally be interested in, but after reading your synopsis I do think it would be of interest to me :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:52:10 -0800

first impression: messy and confused. crit: minor problems: elipses = three dots. No more, no less. Laura screamed, slamming on the breaks. Laura sighed and stopped the car. Pick one. Screw this... no. Screw this! elipses lack force. She slammed the door shut as hard as she could - too wordy for something so simple. She slammed the door as hard as she could. She slammed the door (shut). That description of the street is a bit flat. Give it more pep and vary the structure or pare it down to its essence - that the street is dark and deserted. "Exhausted, she sank down next to the car, burying her face in her hands." Doesn't really work because you've got two consecutive actions to the main clause. Try: Exhausted, she sank down next to the car, and buried her face in her hands. She sank down next to the car, burying her face tiredly in her hands. Look, I'd just cut the exhausted, because bury face in hands is stronger. But also, the exhausted jars me a bit because she's just been slamming doors and screaming. Maybe if it was suddenly exhausted, it would fit better. "No thoughts invaded, just an empty black void" I don't get this. Major problems: it needs rewording and refining, as pointed, but it's pretty good. Your language tends to contrast the mood you're trying to evoke - e.g. stopped the car, while screaming? - so watch out for that when you're editing. grammar: okay, but not great. Watch your sentence structure. Good points: I like how you're developing the scene, with things happening in the background that aren't fully explained, like the car doors opening and closing the body slumping down to her left. good tension and suspense. buy, turn, shelve - turn.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:52:26 -0800

Thank you very much! I thought that it might be a bit clumsy, so thank you for pointing out the weird bits. I forgot to mention that this story is completely different from my NaNo (if that's the synopsis you read)! I'm in the stages of hating my NaNo and instead I decided to get critiques for this story (it's a fantasy), which I actually like. But thank you for saying you like it!

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:30:50 -0800

First impression: good first sentence. Second impression: argh no! time travel! I hate time travel! crit: minor problems: get your dialogue right. If they speak like people did in WWII, then it's differently, not different - adverb vs. adjective. Also, strangely is more natural in these circumstances. Also girls is a bit suspect - lasses, ladies, women. Do they not is slightly too archaic and formal. I do not... I do not... people contracted them back in the 40's. Major problems: paragraphing. Stiff writing. Too many unneccessary words, long sentences, and repetition. Too obvious with the jokes. Too obvious in general. Paragraphing - I would turn this into about eight paragraphs. For each new speaker, a new paragraph. There are also several points where there seem to be natural breaks, like after skirt pocket. Stiff writing - because of the obviousness, unneccessary words, long sentences, and repetition. What I mean by that is "Still Renée had caught their sharp look - as if typhus was some unusual disease." We know typhus is an unusual disease, so don't say so! Also, the thing about the jeans, condense it. It's obvious and repetetive. Stiff writing - back up the top as well "They chose to sit near the edge of the dock, just to take some time to soak in the surroundings. Though they both quickly noticed that there was a different feel to the entire place, they just chalked it up to it being America. Neither had ever been there before, but they had seen pictures." Too many words, and most of them unimportant. All I think really needs to be said here is that they're sitting on the edge of the dock, because vincent is just about to say, this place is weird. We don't need to know that they haven't been there before. We don't need to know they've seen pictures. We don't need to know it's a different feel (which is too vague anyway) because vincent's just about to say so. Also, chalking up to being in America is too obvious, again. Their thoughts and speech express that they think it's America that is weird, and don't suspect time travel. Grammar: Work on your sentence structure. Everything else is fine. Good points: Good humour, you've obviously done some research, and there are a few sentences I really like, like the first one, and the New york, weird creatures everywhere bit. The problem is that all this is hidden under a bulky writing style. buy, turn shelve: it needs too much editing for me to want to read it yet. Not to mention, I hate time travel. But I think after editing it'll be pretty good.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:55:07 -0800

Critique: Maybe it's just because it isn't my kind of genre, but it was a little overly gruesome for my tastes. Also, there are several instances that you are "telling" instead of "showing". Grammar: All good here. Grade: C Good things: the writing style is good overall, and there are several wordings of things that I liked. Buy, Put down, or turn the page? Put down as soon as I read the first sentence. Again, nothing against your writing, I just don't read those kinds of books, unless I knew more about the plot... If it was that way the whole time, I'd put it down, if it was just that one scene among an otherwise more Lit or Mainstream Fic plot, I'd probably turn the page, and based on your writing style I would venture to say I might buy it. (Oh wow, big run on sentence....)

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:57:50 -0800

First impression: very american and very messy. crit: minor problems: it's a bit juvenile, and I'm not sure if that's the voice of the MC or your writing style. major: needs editing and smoothing out. Watch your adverbs, because there's a few too many of them. immensely, eerily, miserably, allegedly, absentmindedly all seem unneccessary to me. Same with adjectives - unidentified, unknown, small, don't add anything to your story. There are points where you've rushed and not expressed things clearly - e.g. "I wandered out to the barn absentmindedly, without a clue of what I was supposed to be doing." But she knows she's got to feed the horse? I'd prefer something like, I wandered out to the barn, knowing I had to feed the horses, but not sure exactly how. The middle paragraph could be lengthened and more detail added. scuffed is the wrong word. I don't know what you mean there. in a blind attempt would be better as blindly holding out my arms in an attempt. I was glancing around - better off, I was searching for the hay/feed mix. grammar: okay. As I said - very american. Since this is set in america, that's not a bad thing. good things: bouncey, light kind of style, that's easy to read and entertaining. buy, turn, shelve. I doubt I'd buy this but I think I'd borrow it from the library.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:05:05 -0800

It was about five thirty on Moday morning - still relatively dark outside - that Mo found herself on the windowsill of the cupola, awaiting the sun’s arrival in the sky. It was almost time; the first rays of light were just emerging over the horizon, announcing the coming of their origin. Downtown Tybee Island was visible on the opposite skyline; still asleep pardon a few early risers. Mo could just barely make out the dim silhouettes of the lighthouse and Fort Screven off in the distance. Those were the biggest buildings she had seen thus far in her life, and she had sat up in that cupola examining them enough times to draw a detailed picture of each from memory. Racking her brain for a mental map, she tried pinpointing other buildings that were landmarks to her. The brief list she had included her mother’s store, her father’s office, and a little farther off in the distance she could just make out the high school she would be returning to for the third year in a few hours. She guessed from the sun’s place in the sky that she still had about half an hour left to go before the sun rose. Not knowing anything better to do in order to pass the time, she diverted her attention back to inside the cupola. It was her special place she had all to herself, held by a silently acknowledged claim. Aside from the window sill she sat upon, all that was up there was a stool, a music stand, a couple stacks of music, and her cello. The exact same cello that had earned her two scholarships and had taken her through five of her ten years of lessons. Mo hated those lessons more than anything else in her life. She was still grateful for them, and she knew that her parents had spent a lot of money on them, but the lessons themselves were utterly miserable. During those lessons she was condemned to play things as they were. Only classical music was to be played, only the most complex movement or symphony. No improvising, no change, no imagined pine or jay. Things remained as they were, seemingly stuck for all eternity.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:11:19 -0800

Dang, it seems like my first scene is a horrible representation of the rest of the story, since it really isn't like this the entire way. Thanks, though!

Re: Three paragraph critique

DozyCat — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:15:52 -0800

first impression: too much infodump crit: major problems: exposition. You should be showing, not telling. What's she seeing out the window? How is that the catalyst for her thinking about the state of the world? **plus, no one will listen to a female, who is seventeen years old** you've just shattered my suspension of disbelief, because you're setting your protagonist up as smarter, and more special than everyone else, and able to see things that older and wiser people can't. The torture that doesn't leave any scars only compounds that. If she's been tortured I want gruesome scars and psychological problems. Otherwise, it's just a cheap way for the writer to try and make the reader feel sorry for the character, or for the writer to give the character something to angst about. The actual mechanics of your writing are okay - a bit tired, e.g. she sighs in irritation, well, yeah, but there are stronger ways to express that. Grammar: pretty good. Good things: the last sentence is actually pretty intriguing. It makes me wonder what her relationship with her mum is like, and the inclusion of something so normal as school and chores in a world like this is an interesting touch. buy, turn, shelve: shelve. The protagonist is too special for me to want to read about her.

Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:22:04 -0800

Remembering what it was to turn from fifteen to sixteen now is like trying to remember a dream. Images that appear with closed eyes are fleeting and more impressionistic than real. My best friend at the time, Lacey was constantly going to the bathroom. She said it was because she had drunk too much water the night before and during the day. Nodding, I knew that it was best to not embarrass her. Why she thought that having her period was a thing to be ashamed of was something I did not understand then, and don’t understand now. At the time, there was nothing insidious in my having to go to the bathroom, for I really did. Lacey was in there and I could hear her humming something indistinct. Outside in the hall, I was doing what my dad would have called the “piss and shit shuffle.” She finally came out after flushing the toilet and jumped when she saw me standing there moving from one foot to the other. She followed me with her eyes as I went into the bathroom and I think I still felt the gaze after the door shut. What prompted me to look under the sink after I had done my business, I will never be able to say. Maybe it was a suspicion, or maybe it was envy of something that I had not yet experienced. Now, looking back on it, I can say that it was more the latter than the former. I was sixteen years old that day and I had not yet had my period. Inside the waste-basket were several clumps of toilet paper. Despite the grossness of it, I picked one up and unwrapped the white paper and found a pad that was evidence of Lacey’s womanhood. The aisle of the grocery store that held all of the feminine products was like a shrine to commercialism and the biological functions of a woman. I never understood what my mom said when she talked about heavy flow and spotting and light flows. To me it was all the same. Looking at the pad in my hands, I wondered if the dark brown spot was a heavy or light flow. With the care that Lacey seemed to wrap the pad, I put it back in the waste-basket and washed my hands. Blood never grossed me out, and it was probably my most boy-like trait, other than sports. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:17:22 -0800

Critique: So, my first thought was ...yeah, ick. Although this set of paragraphs grabbed me more the the three above them. Honestly, it is very well written, but not the kind of story I would generally read. So, if you want to get my attention, I have got to understand what's going on. Why is she sitting there? What is she waiting for? Perhaps she can seem more anticipatory if it's the quanitfying moment of the novel. Why is her cello and music important? She's obviously an artist, and a gifted one if she's improvising music and memorizing skylines, but I don't know if that's important or just filler until the sun comes up. Second set ...my whole thought process follows this line: wow, that is so gross this had better be important to the plot and soon. Grammer: Great, I've no complaints at all about your grammer. Your writing is actually really good, very vivid, and flows well. I get a feeling of literary fiction and I read (and write) to get away from reality, not to deal with it more, if that makes sense. I can actually see what's happening in my mind, which is most of the battle. This is not something I would read. No offense to your writing, which is very good, it's just not my thing. Cheers.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:23:37 -0800

Administration was mostly what I expected; lots of offices, lots of people typing on computers, suits, dress clothes but very few officers. What I did not expect was the hulking man standing just inside the door leaning against the wall. Good God, was it normal to be that large? The man had to be nearly seven feet, which at six feet even made me feel kind of small. It wasn’t only the height; he was massive. He was also black. Don’t take that the wrong way. I don’t mean black, as in African American really, really dark brown, I mean what I said …black. Like midnight. His uniform was also black, as were his hair and eyes. He literally looked like a creepy shadow man standing there. I’m guessing he was waiting for me, but seriously, what do you say? My first instinct was, “Damn dude, did you fall in a vat of tar?” but I’m going on the assumption that he really would not have found me funny at all. As it turned out, I didn’t have to say anything. “You Montgomery?” The guy’s voice was so low it rumbled through my chest. No wonder the inmates hated this prison. I’m a guard. I actually work here, and I’m feeling completely out of my depth. Of course, that could be the seriously scary mother fucker standing in front of me too. I squared my shoulders and looked up, “That’s me,” I said, and was thrilled that my voice sounded so calm. The man held out a hand. “Captain Buchanan. I work over in Ad. Seg. You’re going to start out in GP I think, but I was the only one available to help you get checked in. Officer Zimmerman should be around eventually to take you to your work area.” You will never know how much relief I felt at that moment. I didn’t have to work with freaky tar man. Super.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:10:47 -0800

Yeah, sorry, my bad. My computer just sucks with all the protections it has on it. So that's really a double review of the two sets of paragraphs above me. Someone else take it away, please. Apparently I've lost my mind. Thanks. But, for the paragraphs by JLS I did get that ...ewwww ...do I really need that much information and how is this important to the plot? Please get to some kind of point. Again, great grammer and the writing is very good. It flows very well, and the fact that I'm saying (oh, yeah, gross) means it touched me on some level, and that I identified with your character on some level. I'd give it a B No, I wouldn't buy or turn the page based on just this.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:11:32 -0800

Yep ..JSC even. Sorry, it's 5:11am and my brain is turning itself off.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:27:58 -0800

I'm actually getting confused. Oh no, not by you ...it's me. Critique: By the time I finish these paragraphs, I feel like I should know why Mo is sitting there and I don't. It was almost time; the first rays of light were just emerging over the horizon, announcing the coming of their origin. This is getting redundant. I'm aware now that the sun is about to come up, please continue. Also, this says you can see the first rays of light, but later you say it's half an hour away. Half an hour is too far for you to be seeing streaks of light. She guessed from the sun’s place in the sky that she still had about half an hour left to go before the sun rose. If the sun is in the sky, it's risen ...it can't have a place in the sky and still be dark. See, in the first paragraph I almost got the feeling that the cupola was her prison, but now it's a special place. So, now I'm just confused. And why is she suddenly talking about music? Is it important, or filler to whatever is about to happen at sunrise. At this moment, something really amazing better be about to happen given how much emphasis there is on the sun rising. Your very last sentence gives me the idea that perhaps she lives in a place where some kinds of art are frowned upon, or downright illegal. I love that idea. As you continue on, make sure you are clear as to what type of art is forbidden, music, any kind no matter if it's classical or jazz, takes creativity and talent. Does this world play the kind of classical that makes you cry, or do you just hate classical music and therefore that was what you based your ideas on? I love classical music, I play classical music and it's creation is no more or less difficult than other forms. Of course if that was all I had, but I knew other types existed, yeah, I'd be irritated too. Grade: C The good stuff is in the flow. Your writing flows well, even when it contradicts itself, which it does. Lighten up on that and you'll have a fantastic beginning to a story I would probably want to read given more information. I'd turn the page, but if the plot doesn't become apparent soon, I'd leave it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 06:05:38 -0800

Thank you! I agree with you; o elipses, exclamation mark, sceram first Then stop the car, slam the door withouth the need of mentioning shut.. etc.. I may switch the drak to something like deserted, since it's obvious since before that this is during the night so I don't think anyone will picture the street as basking in sun-light. Suddenly overthrown by (the) exhaustion, she sank down next to the car, and burried her face in her hands. (Probably better.) No thoughts invaded. Her mind was a black, wordless void. (May try to change this still. wordless is redundant since it's a void, but I like the thought of having two adjectives here...) Once again, Thanks for the critique!

Re: Three paragraph critique

geshmak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:57:14 -0800

We are all crowded in the bathroom stall. It’s red with paint that’s peeling along the edges. Alice’s behind me, Rachel’s on top of me, and Sandy’s in the front, of course. The whole class is here, I think. Everyone except for— “Do you think she got the note?” I think it’s Marissa’s voice, but it’s hard to tell. “Shhhhh!” “I put it in her lunch bag— do you really think she’d miss that?” Sandy whispers too loud and we all start giggling until— “SHHHHH!” There are footsteps in the hallway, clip clip clop, and then brusha brusha, but no one comes in yet. I look at the tile underneath me, because the tingling in my stomach is making me antsy and there really isn’t much other place to look at. It has a crack in it that looks like the side of Africa I think, and I imagine us to be a tribe of inky men with feathers and leather, lying in wait behind a baobab tree, ready to pounce when an elephant to come by. Or a rhinoceros. Though it most likely doesn’t smell so clean there. This bathroom smells like artificial lemon and something else, and I try to imagine the smell of sand and— well, sand, I guess. But I can’t. I wonder— can you imagine smells? I try to imagine a chocolate bar, but the smell doesn’t go inside my head. That’s something to think about… And now everyone stiffens because there are more steps in the hallway. These are slow shuffle shuffles, and I know it’s Mireille coming. She stops outside the bathroom, and looks inside. Cautious-like. Yeah, I’d be cautious if I was her too. I hold my breath but I still hear Rachel’s by my ear. For a split second I wish Mireille away from the bathroom, but then I hear Sandy’s voice and my stomach gets all jumpy excited like it did when we first piled in here.

Re: Three paragraph critique

geshmak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:07:57 -0800

Critique: Overall good, but you lost me a few times. I liked it until you got to the line "He literally looked like a creepy shadow man standing there"- at that point the first person narration became less literary and more of what you would actually say to a friend. I would rewrite that and the next few lines until "As it turned out, I didn’t have to say anything.", which sort of brought me back into the story. I also got pulled out a few lines later with the "seriously scary mother fucker"-- language (while to be honest, is never something I really appreciate) can work well in writing in dialogue/monologue, but to throw it in here like this has that same "oh, there's a person outside the story narrating this" effect again. I would also go over and refine the lines, keeping a lot of the imagery but tuning up the words used to present it. You have a very good basis though. Grammar: good Grade: B Good things: "it rumbled through my chest"-- I liked that. Buy, Put down, or turn the page? I would turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

geshmak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:20:47 -0800

Critique: Well written overall. I got a good picture of the landscape and of Mo's situation in life. I'd try to tone down the language a little in some places, things like "coming of their origin", "she diverted her attention," and "seen thus far" seem a bit contrived. I would spice it up more by using unusual words to add depth. Instead of saying "Mo hated those lessons more than anything else in her life" you could use words that show just how she feels about them, resentment, confinement, etc, such as "Those lessons shackled Mo more than anything else in her life" if that would be true to the rest of your story. Also, this sentence "She guessed from the sun’s place in the sky that she still had about half an hour left to go before the sun rose" has inherent contradictions, unless she lives on some planet with more than one sun. Grammar: good Grade: B- Good things: The sentence "Things remained as they were, seemingly stuck for all eternity." wraps up this section nicely. To me at least, the reader of just these 3 paragraphs and not your entire novel, it seems to be referring to a lot more in Mo's life than just her music lessons. Buy, Put down, or turn the page? Okay, so here is a toss up. There is no action here, and it made me antsy. I was interested in the rest of her life though, namely how she would change it. Granted, you're entitled to 3 action-less paragraphs in a novel, but if this was the page I opened up to, I would turn the page, see if there's dialogue or something fast paced, and if not, you lost me.

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:46:10 -0800

Thank you!! Well, it IS hard to get any context at all from only three paragraphs ... and somewhere in the middle of a book at that. I'll note your opinions for editing process :) [quote]Would I...:The plot sounds interesting, but I would probably put the book down unless the language and variety of word choice was more attention grabbing and gave a more in depth look at your characters and their world, then I would be anxious to turn the page because I would be so absorbed in the novel! Again: FANTASTIC JOB! Your story sounds like there’s so much more too it! :)[/quote] Hopefully, when you get to this part in the story, you'd be anxious enough to know what will happen ... And, yes, this story has much more to it - this isn't even a tip of the iceberg =)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:07:06 -0800

Thanks! I'll admit, the 'fur' thing cofused me because at the time I couldn't think of any other suitable word; now you post it, 'coat' is obviously the right choice there. I'll also admit that I don't know all that much about horses, they are just a plot device, and so I am less than knowledgable about how they behave... thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I never would have picked up on the horses' behaviour!

Re: Three paragraph critique

She BElieVIEd — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:09:10 -0800

Memory Number One "Mommy!" The screech sets my throat on fire, but I don't care. My mother. My own mother. She's all I have left. They can't take her. I won't let her do this. No. No. "No." It's as if my mother is reading my thoughts. "We've talked about this, Evol." Her voice is perfectly calm, at ease, almost reassuring. "In fact, I think it's time. They'll be here any minute now." "Mommy!" The sobs rack me, punish me for letting her do this, for allowing it to happen. "What if you're not useful?" I'm screaming through my tears now. I know how hard it is to screech and sob by this point. And I'd hate to lose my voice before our goodbyes. "What if they...they..." I can't finish the sentence. I can't think it. I can't say it. No matter how much I believe it's what will happen. The deepest, darkest imaginings in the pitts of my black life will be here, arriving at the doorstep in just minutes. "Oh, don't worry. There'll be nothing to see. If they don't like my level of intelligence, they'll shun me away. They can't afford another death, Evol. The human race is perishing. There's not too many of us left. They need me." All meaningless sentences, which we force ourselves to believe. "Then why can't I be out of hiding? Don't they want to know what I have to offer?" "Not until you're eighteen. Right now you still have a chance of growing, learning, existing." My mother, with her young age, bright green eyes, and even her prematurely graying blonde hair, will be gone. All gone. Gone. Not here, there, anywhere on this earth. Not living. Gone. "No, Mommy! I won't let them take you! Please, please no! Hide with me! Don't risk it. Don't do it." But my pleading is in vain. If they come here, they come knowing the house is not abandoned. That's why we got the note. The note that changed everything. The note--like a warning of death. If you run, they'll make it worse. If you attempt to conceal yourself, they'll announce the amount of blood there was on you when you died to your family. But if...if you come willingly, they'll go easy on you. Make it quick. They'll keep it quiet. Your family can then pretend that you were smart enough, that they took you to go live another life a ways away. I shudder involuntarily, remembering when I was seven and my mother had explained this to me, with my father's face buried in his hands, as we huddled around the fireplace. How dead her expression got, how she started to cry, rocking me in her arms. I had been frozen with indeciscion. When your leaders did not know which way to turn, you didn't either. So pretending is what we turn to. Let's just say they got away, believe it... But we all know. And if you get in their way during their procedures, they'll kill you too. That's why I have to stay trapped. Hidden. Safe as it gets. But my mother? No. They can't do this to her. We've been out here, living like animals in the woods for so long. Now they've found us. All vulnerable and open from every angle in our small clearing. And they discovered Mommy. Old enough to take the test.

Re: Three paragraph critique

nerrdygrrl15 — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:59:27 -0800

Critique: This is rather interesting. The excerpt as a whole flows somewhat well, with the transitions between speech and- well, I don't know your main character's name's- thoughts. I particularly like the imagery that the first few sentences conjure up, and it really gets me into the claustrophobic sense of the setting. However, the transition between the main character's train of thought and the incoming action is a little jolting. I don't know if you meant for it to be that way, but it brought me out of the narrative a bit. Perhaps transitioning a little smoother into Mireille's entrance would help. Overall, however, I like the setting and I'd really like to hear more about what's going on with Mireille. Grammar: There are quite a few glaring grammatical errors in these few paragraphs. I can point some out and help to rephrase them. 1) "...ready to pounce when an elephant to come by." This is very awkward. I'd probably change "when an elephant to come by" to "if an elephant comes by." 2) "...there really isn’t much other place to look at." Change this to "There really isn't ANY other place to look at." Grade: B- to B, mostly because of the grammar. Good things: Your metaphors are really nice, and I like the bit where you say, "It has a crack in it that looks like the side of Africa I think," because that really is something that brings you into the narrative and even back to school, where I can recall memorizing the tiles in the bathroom. Buy, Put down, or turn the page? I would likely turn the page or flip to the back cover to see what the book is about.

Re: Three paragraph critique

nerrdygrrl15 — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:02:14 -0800

Here is a random segment of mine. Hope you enjoy. If one has ever witnessed a battle of epic proportions or a fierce duel in the cinema, you must know that nothing, nothing can compare to the brutal warfare that is the Battle of Redhead. April charges in, a malevolent spirit shrieking a battle cry, flailing her arms masterfully as one rears back to form a fist. The redhead, unaware of the sudden offensive against her, shrieks as well, but in frightful, animalistic fear; like a cornered beast, she lashes out, sharp nails scratching April's cheek. April growls, backs up a short length, lowers her head, and charges. Her small horns are too dull to cause any damage below the skin, but the blow to the redhead is still painful-looking. Delly enters the fray just as the chaperone looks up in alarm. As Delly rears back for a punch of her own, the chaperone cries out in alarm. "Girls? What in the name of- Delly, stop that right now!" Other children have joined in the melee, it is a feeding frenzy-like thing, each child caring not for whom they clawed at, only that they could have just as big a piece of the fight as the others. In all the confusion, April, holding her jaw and nursing a bruise on her left knee, scrambles out of the fray, eyes wide open and somehow feral looking, even without humanlike pupils. The chaperone is at a loss for what to do, her efforts to break up the fight futile. Passersby look on, amused, as April scampers down X'Zham'Dchul Lane. April fleetingly notes the ridiculousness of the name as she flees. What kind of alien race could even form that word? Surprisingly, as she continues down the path to the Hub, still lightly jogging, she comes across many aliens that could very well fit the bill. A creature that bears a surprising resemblance to Milo oozes down a plastic-looking ramp that leads up to a building marked, "EXTERNAL CARAPACES SOLD HERE." The creature turns its upper body towards April, perhaps to enquire what a 15 year old girl is doing running down a street that, from the looks of it, becomes seedier the farther down it goes. However, April is past it in seconds. Another alien, trollike, with large, black tusks and an unusually lumpy head thunders along, hoisting what looks like a body bag over his shoulder. There are too many creatures to even take in, especially when, in her entire life, April has seen 10 or 11 different alien species at the most. It only comes to April in the minutes following her daring escape that she may be in quite a large amount of both trouble and danger. X'Zham'Dchul Lane does not seem like a place for prime real estate, nor does it look anything like the suburban roads of human colonies. A herd of blueish cattle with six eyes each walk by, and April ponders asking for a ride back to a safer part of the space station, but she steels her nerves a second later. There's no use turning back, she reminds herself. I'll be in even greater danger if I do- from my chaperone, and from that girl. Well, that girl did deserve it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

annaspargoryan — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:33:29 -0800

Mine seems to have been missed. Woe is me ;(

Re: Three paragraph critique

iLove — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:36:19 -0800

Saw that you said yours was ignored--that shouldn't happen to anyone! Okay, from a broad, general sense I really like it. I like the way you say that when his son returned, he came back in a wooden box. I like how you can go into depth about the history of the characters just in a few paragraphs, but you didn't just use broad statements like "The small family lived in a farm," or that kind of thing. You actually talk about relationships and events--that's good. Now for the review: Critique: Like I said, I liked it. I think the relation of Angus was confusing, because you said "Dana's much older half-brother, Angus," but then went on to say he was "the younger Byrne man." Dunno, I'm probably misreading it, but I just thought that was a bit confusing. Other than that, no critique! I really like it. Grammer: No comment--looks good to me, but I'm not the best at grammatical stuff. Grade: A+ :) Good things: Haven't I already said many good things? It's realistic--I like that. Like at the end how it wasn't all, "They went into deep mourning after his death, and it was a hard thing to get over." While that would be the textbook reaction to a death, you do it realistically. They were respectful and not that they were apathetic, but they were fairly sure of the cause and weren't overly remorseful. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Turn the page!

Re: Three paragraph critique

TwilightSparkle — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:08:00 -0800

I stand on the front porch, staring at my cell phone and clinging to the banister like it’s the thing keeping me from falling down a deep hole. It really is, though. By clinging to this wooden banister, I’m preventing myself from dialing Joey’s number, and diving back into this world that I spent nine years escaping. He was moving on from the deaths of his wife and child. Why couldn’t I move away from it? Was it the lack of justice my family had received, which was, admittedly, completely my fault? Was it that the detectives just stopped trying, or that Joey just stopped caring? Was it that there was some pathological need, some psychological mumbo jumbo that made me completely crazy and desperate to find my family’s killer and slice, dice, and puree him-slash-her into a delicious meal for me and my child once it was brought into this world? No matter what the reason, I didn’t want to jump back into that revenge fueled blood lust, that constant crazy, the eternal fear of everything that moves. I’d already had PTSD panic attacks in front of Goodwin. Why bother jumping back into that when it’d taken me nine years of inner turmoil to even get as far as I had.

Re: Three paragraph critique

geshmak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:02:58 -0800

Thanks. I totally missed that grammar bit about the elephant. It should have been "ready to pounce when an elephant comes by". I'm really glad you caught that because I already proofed it, but somehow you miss these things in your own work.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ladyhadhafang — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:07:10 -0800

It is long after the battle of Naboo, after the Jedi have managed to drive away the forces of the Trade Federation. Though they have won, and sent the Sith Lord Darth Maul back into the fires of hell from which he came (at least speaking figuratively), their struggle is far from over. If anything, the Sith Lord Maul was a tiny piece in a far larger puzzle. If anything, the true war has just begun. For in the shadows, under the guise of the benevolent, kindly, almost grandfatherly Chancellor Palpatine, the evil Lord Sidious plots and plans. To say that he is difficult to read is not only a fact, but a gross understatement – he has plans within plans within plans. Manipulating others based on their most basic faults, even faults that are supposed to be virtues – loyalty, kindness, sacrifice, idealism, willingness to see the good in others. His iron first has closed around the Jedi Order, and yet somehow, they don’t even realize it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chibisarel — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:19:24 -0800

"Oh, this is so terribly exciting, is it not?” my father asked me, fluttering about in his quarters, unable to sit still. He was, naturally, speaking of the planned visit to Wolfheart, the Barghest seat of power. I smiled at him, trying to summon at least enough energy to keep up with him. It didn't quite work. Not only was my lack of sleep apparently starting to take its toll on me, but instead of looking forward to the trip I found myself worrying about what would happen. One of my worries was how I was going to take to the travelling, or rather the transferring. I had only been transferred twice in my life, and both those times had been chilling experiences to say the least. I had never dared to ask anyone about it, if they felt the same when they were taken by the Goddess to another place. If they said yes, I would feel foolish indeed, for having asked something so silly. If they said no... I didn't know if I wanted to hear that I was the only one to feel so lonely and desolate, trapped in that icy darkness.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:41:12 -0800

Yeah, I'm rewriting the whole thing with a new plot, and this is all I have done. I'll post something more exciting when I get there. Thanks for your critique!

Re: Three paragraph critique

SushiSushi — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:05:00 -0800

“Lies!” She cried out. And with a stubborn, fierce frown, her hand scooped under the crumbling biscuit base and she picked up the whole slice. It smelt wonderful. Rich butter, milk, and cream, and strawberries and sugar. She felt her stomach flip with desire, her mouth opened eagerly, she guided the confectionery creation to her moist lips. The soft tip of her tongue reached out...and...never...quite...reached...it. Because the triangular slice of cheesecake came alive in an instance. It leaped from the palm of her hand, curving and flapping like salmon rushing upstream, and in one sweeping movement, it slapped her cheek and somersaulted triumphantly. It spun downwards flailing, landing with a splatter on the ground. Cassie stared at the remaining mess which stained the pavement, her eyes round. “My cake just slapped me.” She said, emotionless with disbelief. “Rye,” she looked from the splatter to her friend, and said again, in quite the same tone- one of suppressed panic, “Rye, my cake just slapped me.” Rye couldn't hide his humour. A huge grin paraded across his face. “Well,” he said in a trembling voice, “it is diet cheesecake.” Cassie just blinked, so he added, “and what's more low fat, than no fat?”

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lizardbites — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:01:50 -0800

Critique: I liked it very much Grammer:good Grade: 4 Good things: right from the start you had me because I wanted to know how the parents would get payback for being jerks, so I disagree with DozyCat on you loosing readers because of it. I loved your description in that part, and I could imagine myself there watching it thinking, hold on a min! I did get a bit turned around with the quick change from the beginning scene to darkness in the second paragraph. I agree with others on that. I know a little about horses, and I can't think of ever referring to them as golden in color. To get technical, there are horses out there that shed their summer coat and have what feels like "fur" underneath to keep them warm in extreme winters, but this doesn't sound like it's the case. As I read the description of the golden fur, I was initially confused, then I thought to myself, oh, it's going to be a lion, it's not a horse at all! I was super excited to expect a cool twist. Then I saw the ebony hooves and knew it wasn't a twist. I have seen ebony hooves at horse shows, but not in the dirt. I agree with DozyCat, horses out in a field have dusty hooves and they do look more grey. One more thing about horses, they whinny for lots of reasons, I think you should keep that. It's classic horse behavior and I can imagine being there hearing it too. This sentence, "Following nothing in particular, he didn’t realise how far he had gotten from the manor house until he turned and saw that the building had become little more than a softly lit shadow on the horizon" I didn't like because it wasn't smooth for me. I really like the idea that this kid seems fearless instead of scared after being treated poorly by his parents. I liked that he didn't freak out when he was "swallowed by the darkness" nor did he shirk away from the obviously irritated horse. Good stuff! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I'd keep reading, most likely a buy.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MissMaro — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:41:13 -0800

Good luck with it!

Re: Three paragraph critique

MissMaro — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:52:57 -0800

[quote=Lizardbites] As I read the description of the golden fur, I was initially confused, then I thought to myself, oh, it's going to be a lion, it's not a horse at all! I was super excited to expect a cool twist. Then I saw the ebony hooves and knew it wasn't a twist. I have seen ebony hooves at horse shows, but not in the dirt. I agree with DozyCat, horses out in a field have dusty hooves and they do look more grey. One more thing about horses, they whinny for lots of reasons, I think you should keep that. It's classic horse behavior and I can imagine being there hearing it too. [/quote] Ummm, there are several kinds of horses that could have a golden coat. E.g. Palominos and sometimes Buckskins.

Re: Three paragraph critique

MissMaro — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:59:16 -0800

Though I did find myself wondering if it would really look very golden in the darkness. Is there a source of light from somewhere? How much can he see?

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:21:11 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) Most of it read well, but the first three sentences read as kind of messy for me. The wordiness made me have to re-read it a few times. For example, your second paragraph - "Was it that there was some pathological need, some psychological mumbo jumbo that made me completely crazy and desperate to find my family’s killer and slice, dice, and puree him-slash-her into a delicious meal for me and my child once it was brought into this world?" That one sentence is pretty much the whole paragraph. I can tell there's a lot of good story in there, but it needs to be broken up a bit. I sense that this is a point in the story where the character is having a lot of rambling reflection on his/her life, but that doesn't mean the sentences should also be rambling. Grammer: For the length of sentences you write, you did well with the necessary punctuation. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) B Good things: (please include this) The last paragraph was paced well and gave me insight into the character. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Well....it reads kind of like a horror book and I'm not quite into gruesome readings, so I'd put it down. I don't think it would be a bad book, just not my genre...

Re: Three paragraph critique

DeanW93 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:38:09 -0800

Good first impression, well written. There wasn't really anything i found wrong with that, it was really well written. I was going to say that you should speak more about their surroundings in New York especially since its just came after the war but i would suspect that would follow in the next few paragraphs. No real grammar mistakes it flowed really well and was definitely told the way it was happening without going off in any tangents. 9/10 (I dont grade) Definitely a page turner for me, i would keep reading

Re: Three paragraph critique

DeanW93 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:54:58 -0800

As soon as his hand touched my head my eyes went black. My eyes were fixed upon him like a preditor about to catch its prey. Everyone still thought that he was in control of this fight. But I was the one who was inside his head. I saw everything, I saw all the evil he had committed; From petty thefts brought on by his upbringing, to violent murders and beatings. I felt every stab and every fist he threw to his victims and this made me even more viscous. Yet the expression on his face showed complete fear while mine remained sinister as I uncovered his secrets. I then saw all of his greatest fears in life which have haunted him. He began to scream from the top of his lungs until he was able to let go. he stared at me with horror in his eyes his mouth twitching as he tried to close it, it was as though he was staring at all the evil he had committed and all the things he feared the most in life. I smiled and his surroundings vanished as well as me leaving my smile last to fade into the darkness. He was standing in a room of darkness like the one from my dream only he wept at the sound of my voice echoing through the back abyss. “You will not seek justice from God.” My voice had changed into some kind of demon - I no longer controlled what I was saying. “You’re soul will burn in the fiery depths of hell for all eternity where you will be met by all your greatest fears and judged by those you have wronged in your life.” The man screamed hoping that he could escape the madness he was in but there was no escape, I understood that I was inside his mind and I could control everything that happened. I used his fears against him manipulating the space around him – He was falling into the madness I had created, he stood in a shallow grave with his name carved into the headstone. Finally I stood before him with blackened eyes and a scythe in one hand and said, “Now you witness true divine heresy!” I slashed down with my scythe and suddenly our minds had both returned to the real world, I still lay on my knees but the man slowly walked back with horror in his eyes. Blood began to seep from his mouth and he lay on the ground and died right there. No-one knew what they had just witnessed, to them all they had seen was a man about to finish off his opponent when he suddenly began to scream and bleed to death. I felt I hand on my shoulder and I realized it was Jacob standing behind me – he seemed to be the only one who understood what had happened, otherwise he wouldn’t dare have touched me. We walked away as the crowd of people split open like the red sea, too scared to even look at me until I was away in the darkness.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:47:05 -0800

I don't know if this is three or not, but it's about the same length. BTdubs, this isn't a beginning. It might be on of those "start in the middle" beginnings if I can't come up with anything better, but so far it isn't (but please tell me if you think it's good enough to be one). No one else stopped her on the way down the hallway, and she was beyond relieved when she finally got to the classroom and saw that the light was still on. “Miss Ellis?” she said, opening the door. “Yes, ma’m?” “Can I come in?” “Can you?” Taking a step forward, Mo responded, “I guess I can,” then continued on to sit down in one of the empty desks. “So what brings you here? I do not think I gave you any thing too difficult on the first day of school,” she said, all of her face smiling gently but her eyes, which showed a look of genuine concern. “Did something happen at…” “No ma’am, my family life is fine.’ Mo Cecilia Dahle interrupted. “I’m just in an, um, predicament regarding music and I needed to discuss it with somebody who would appreciate where I’m coming from. And since you teach music, I thought that surely you would understand more than anyone else.” “What kind of ‘predicament’ are we talking about here?” she asked, pulling up her chair from behind the desk to shorten the uncomfortable distance between the two of them. “Do you promise not to say any thing until I am finished?” “Of course,” replied the teacher anxiously. “Well, as you could probably guess from the cello case, I play cello. In fact, I have taken lessons for ten years, to date. The problem is that my teacher wants me to play classical music. I want to play rock. I can express myself better playing it versus classical music, even though cello is an unorthodox instrument, and do you not agree that that is the point of music? Expression of one’s feelings? And in rock you have improvision, and all these other, well, ‘tools’ I guess you could say; all of which help you express your interpretation of the song even better. It’s not that I dislike classical, I just think that it’s the same as how you wouldn’t make an opera singer sing ‘Please Please Me’, or make Jerry Lee Lewis sing something from Carmen. It just doesn’t work. If it’s like that for voices, why not for us orchestral strings?” With that, she plopped back in her chair, feeling the satisfying exhaustion that comes with venting feelings you’ve had stored up for so long.

Re: Three paragraph critique

rocknrolljunkie989 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:55:46 -0800

My three paragraphs: "He, he was fucking tortured, James. They had him tied up and fucking tortured him, and they fucking raped him, too. And then... then they slit his throat and they buried him in the woods," the bassist spits, although his words are choked off by a sob. James is silent on the other end of the phone. "He still looked so goddamn pretty, even in death. Even with dirt and blood all over him, even fucking laying on that metal table in the morgue. They... they..." His words are cut off by a short fit of tears. By the end of his emotional, morbid rant, David has joined him. He's overcome by a wave of hundreds of conflicting, negative emotions that he's at a loss to name. Once he regains his composure, Keith growls, "Why him, James? What the fuck did he ever do wrong to deserve this? What... what twisted fuck could do something like that to such a fucking amazing human being?" James cuts in, saying something that no one but Keith can hear. His mysterious words make the bassist break down in a fit of bitter, uncontrollable sobs. "I just miss him so much already, James. I don't, don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do without him here. It's so hard, every fucking day knowing that I'm gonna have him there to talk to and to even fuckin' fight with. I just.... I just wish it was me who got killed, not him. He's such a better person."

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:13:33 -0800

Please find a better word than... well, you know which one I'm talking about. I know it's dialogue, and it's a little understandable if it's only once or twice, especially since it seems like it's what your character would do. But really, no one wants to read that 7 times over the course of just three paragraphs. I really think it would turn off a lot of other potential readers, too, and it's very distracting. Grade: B+ Grammar's good. I really like it, and it's well written, too. As soon as I saw the word "bassist" I was singing a silent Hallelujah Chorus. I would put it down as soon as I saw that word. It annoys me to an extremity when there's swearing in books, or anything else for that matter. If that was taken out, I'd probably buy it, the plot seems like it's really interesting and deep.

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:18:49 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) Is this the opening of the story? To me it sounds more like a backside-text, or perhaps a prologue. It does the job of getting me interested in the story, but if it's an opening I think you give too much away in the third paragraph. And, since this obviosly is fan-fiction, perhaps it's not even necessary. You are telling me things I more or less knows already - or would prefer to discover through the story. Grammar: Not going to comment. It looks fine to me, but English is my second language .... Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) For a backside text I'll give it top grade - for an opening not so high. Good things: (please include this) I can immideately see what this story is, recognizing the setting and characters spoken of, and it wakes my interest. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would turn the page, to see where you are going with this and if you'll soon get me a MC I can root for.

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:38:05 -0800

.... from somewhere in the middle of a very long story ... Mateo had had enough. He needed some time alone, he needed to get things sorted out, and he most definetly needed to ... do something. Only a week since he had visited Akir's home village. Not even that long before the engagement ceremony with Deccebalia. Ten days since he'd told Akir he was no more a slave, as he saw it. Seven days left until he would bind himself to a five year contract in a marriage he did not care for. He felt ready to explode. Hard lessions from Cyril in the way of non-armed fighting until he'd been aching all over and dropped into bed had not helped, nor running for hours. Perhaps he was overreacting, but somehow it felt like a personal affront that all official papers around his own birth seemed to have gone missing when scripts dealing with, for example, the amount of exported grain from the same period were still available. He simply could not believe that all copies had been kept together with the originals and been destroyed at the same time. That was certainly not standard procedure, especially not with important documents. To top it all, things dealing with his father's death, also at Summer Palace and almost half a year before his own birth, were also missing. Emperor Gernion Umdahn had not been loved by his subjects, that much was clear from what he had left behind in writings and memories. The death attest Mateo had managed to find stated that his father had been wounded in a hunting accident, and due to his age he had not answered as well to the healing techniques as a younger man might have. Twelve days after the accident the 62 year old Emperor had died without regaining conciousness and the Empire had had no head for almost a year. Mateo had heard all kinds of speculations concerning this death, each suggesting that the official statement was a cover-up for something more sinister, but no one professed they knew anything themselves. Fear was still very evident when the subject was breached, and no wonder. Court journals were filled with reports of cases dealing with people who had dared challenge the official view condoned by the new Empress. Most of them ended in a death pentalty, often after deep torture to get them to reveal accomplices. That was the way it worked, and Mateo had not really questioned the practice until he realized that torture often wasn't a very good way to dig out the truth. It was far too easy to only get what you were looking for, and that was almost certainly never the whole story. So here he was, on the way to visit the ruins of Summer Palace once more. The lost documents had not stopped bothering him, and he remembered some blocked doors he and Akir had not been able to get inside. Perhaps they still contained clues.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ladyhadhafang — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 05:18:36 -0800

It's a prologue, really -- just to set everything up. But yeah, you're definitely right on some fronts -- perhaps I could get rid of it and no harm could be done to the story... *Thinking*

Re: Three paragraph critique

White Lily — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:30:15 -0800

As I said - I think it could become a great back-cover-text ... And I'm sure some would think it's a perfect way to start the story. Me, I prefer a character :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

twaltzing — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:08:32 -0800

"Pursed her lips", "wrinkled her brow", "Renee's eyebrows drew together in confusion"?

Re: Three paragraph critique

twaltzing — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:23:00 -0800

I would totally read this. I want to know what happens. I really like the way the narrator is thinking about more or less random stuff that is still totally connected. The MC wishes Mireille away for a split second, so maybe she's not all bad, but still she's going along with it... And, @nerrdygrrl15 -- one grammar error for a B-? Really? I don't think so.

Re: Three paragraph critique

IsikkahJai — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 18:34:17 -0800

Please remember to at least critique the poster above you if it hasn't been before you post your three paragraphs. Everyone needs a fair chance to be heard and given feed back.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Harlow — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:28:28 -0800

Yeah, I have to address you directly on this. If you like a story, then you should be able to ignore the swearing. It seems unfair to me to critique this poster based on your own personal tastes in regards to language. The point of this thread is to critique his writing, not what your personal feelings are in regard to his text. For every reader that is turned off, there are others that are like me and don't mind seeing swearing in a novel, and think that it adds realism to the character.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:53:55 -0800

It's very, very low lighting - the only light source is the manorhouse, which is a few hundred yards away, and of course the stars and moon.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:55:02 -0800

Thanks! Since posting this, I have actually edited it and changed all the things that you mentioned, since they had been mentioned before by others, too. I like that you think it's interesting, and I'm really grateful for your critique!!

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:14:58 -0800

“It ain’t what my mam would’ve wanted for me,” she whispered. Her last line of defence. The courtesan stood up and picked up a hairbrush, too fine for a woman of her standing. It was a relic left over from a time when Celia Bellini would have become an important mage and she brandished it at Vision like a rapier. “I knew your mam, girl. I was her apprentice before the Ether looked my way and my luck fell through. Who do you think it was gave me my courtesan’s licence to begin with? It ain’t no coincidence that I’m the only registered whore in this joint. I definitely didn’t have the gold for that damned piece of paper after my parents died,” “I… I didn’t know that,” she clutched at her stomach. Things were roiling around inside and she didn’t like it. “Course you didn’t!” Celia raged, “You don’t even know enough to realise what you don’t know! I learned a lot from your mam girl and then she left you to learn from me. You don’t think she would’ve wanted a courtesan’s life for you but do you really think she would’ve picked a thief’s life instead? Do you really think she wanted you to sleep with one eye open, watching to see that no good-for-nothing man takes advantage while you wait for the crown to scar that pretty face of yours with a thief’s brand?”

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:23:18 -0800

This seems like a pretty involved plot. I'm not totally sure what's happening above this Mateo guy being aggravated by an arranged marriage and something about the suspicious death of the Emperor but obviously I don't have a great deal of the plot. Three things that caught my attention: *You have a lot of very long sentences. You can probably make it a more engaging read by messing with the patterning a little. Put short sentences next to long sentences, etc. to get the tone you're after. *This could be a context problem but I don't understand how the second paragraph fits in with the first and third. Also, be a little bit careful about inserting too much exposition into the middle of the action. That's the stuff that people skim through. * Just a few grammatical things that'll come out in your next edit. I think unarmed combat is a better way of saying non-armed fighting but it's up to you. All in all, it seems pretty good.

Re: Three paragraph critique

glasgsar — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 12:30:05 -0800

This is VERY rough, but here it goes: What is the appropriate reaction when your 59 year old mother calls to tell you that she and her girlfriend have decided to buy a farm and raise alpacas for their fleece? There are probably several viable options to choose from, ranging from Your girlfriend? to What the fuck? Either of those would suffice in most cases. My response: “What’s an alpaca?” “They’re like sheep but with long necks. Yeah, we’re gonna be rich!” she replied with the excitement that can only be described as a six year old telling you about the new Pixar movie. When she noticed the exceptionally long silence on the other end of the phone, she continued with her attempt to convince me of her new venture’s worth. In a tone that sounded like the word “duh” should have been placed at the end of her sentence, she added, “They’re from Peru [duh]. We ordered a catalog from the Alpaca Breeders Association. You have to look at it!” An attempt to add credibility, I’m sure. “And you should have seen it. They had a pooper-scooper that you can ride on, but they actually don’t really poop that much.” At this point you may be asking why I had such an understated response to such a strange announcement. I’ll tell you.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:52:36 -0800

Just a quick note-- I don't mind swearing in novels, but the more you use it, the less power it has over the reader. The first sentence had power, but by the end repeating the word over and over again just started to get annoying. Keith is really emotional in these paragraphs, but the power is being lost because I'm loosing the emotional connection with the character. So I'd keep the first sentence with the f-bomb, but maybe use some other language or get rid of the word in other places to keep it from getting too ridiculous. I do think this will be a really deep and emotional novel though, by the looks of it. Also, I like the name Keith. ^_^ Nice work! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:59:27 -0800

I can't remember if I ever properly thanked you! Thanks for critiquing me! :) I'm glad it was odd and enjoyable, nothing like a good laugh! XD This is wonderful! Thank you so much!

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 19:12:54 -0800

Critique: It was good reading! The father sounds like a zany character, I like him for not being able to sit still in this scene! My impression over it was kinda passive. It was pretty good, but nothing struck out at me as a sure hook. Unless, of course, this is in the middle of the book. XD The only thing I could think of was that I have no idea what the narrator looks like or what the quarters look like...Those detail kinda things that paint the bigger picture. The picture of the scene wasn't too clear in my head, although the narrator's feelings were. I think that's why my impression was lessened. In: "Not only was my lack of sleep apparently starting to take its toll on me..." Get rid of apparently to make the sentence retain its power and flow more. Grammar: Looks fine to me! ^_^ I don't know if in "I would feel foolish indeed, for having asked something so silly." you don't need the comma. I don't think you do, but I'm not a comma expert. Grade: B (Good writing, I just wasn't hooked into the story.) Good things: (please include this) Your style is really fun and I like the narrator! I also like the way they talk using words like "foolish" and phrases such as "terribly exciting". It makes the reading have this nice British/old time feel--perfect for fantasy! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would turn the page to see if things were described a little better and what the father will do next! :) Terrific job! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:12:38 -0800

You've got lots of good feedback here, so I'm just going to be the jerk and point out that this is 15 paragraphs. Not 3. If you're planning on doing something with this, you should probably get a handle on where paragraphs actually start and end, or your editor is going to want to kill you. ;)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:14:52 -0800

Cut it. This is not a story, it's a back-cover copy. Don't even try to edit it -- your story starts when this is over. This is how I feel about 90% of prologues anyway, but definitely this one.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:16:39 -0800

I don't want to be pedantic, but your three paragraphs end here: No one else stopped her on the way down the hallway, and she was beyond relieved when she finally got to the classroom and saw that the light was still on. “Miss Ellis?” she said, opening the door. “Yes, ma’m?” “Can I come in?" That's all you got. Each time a new person talks, that's a new paragraph. ;) That said, I'm glad this isn't the beginning, because nothing happens, and that's not good. If this were where it actually starts, I would not keep going.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:18:44 -0800

I'm going to disagree with BOTH of you! :D I don't mind swearing in novels, but this was too much. It completely lost its impact and became nothing but punctuation. Kiddie-Icarus below me has it right -- the more you use it, the less the reader actually notices. "He, he was tortured, James. They had him tied up and tortured him, and they fucking raped him, too." has way more impact because the f-bomb is used for effect. Look up "precision f-strike" on TV Tropes.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:23:53 -0800

Again, I'm going to point out that this is 9 paragraphs. Clumping them together is either cheating, or shows you don't have a good grasp of punctuation. ;) I don't know why it started with "Lies" -- I'd get rid of that, because it never actually gets explained. (Unless this is not the beginning of a story.) The big issue is that your paragraphs aren't split at the right places, and you have hard-returns in even weirder spots. You need to get a grasp on how to format this, because it makes it confusing to read. There are a few word choices here I question -- "humour" instead of amusement, and "trembling" doesn't sound like he's laughing, it sounds like he's afraid or emotional. That out of the way: I laughed out loud reading this.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:28:05 -0800

Hooboy, there's a lot of issues here. First off, your paragraphs are not ending in the right place; this is probably about 5 or 6, though I didn't go through it and make sure. It's also full of spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors, which make it extremely difficult to read. You also have word errors -- "viscous" (which means a thick liquid) instead of "vicious", that sort of thing, or using "yet" when you mean "and". I'm also a little confused about the voice and point of view -- your POV character says that their voice changes to that of "some kind of demon" -- don't they know? It's going to be really difficult to critique the content when the mechanics are this out of whack.

Re: Three paragraph critique

passmemoney — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:31:07 -0800

the very beginning of my story... I have no idea how this could happen, how all of this could come down to me. Why me? I pleaded to myself. Why do I have to choose? How can I? How am I supposed to decide between losing the only two people I love and being the reason thousands of people are slaughtered? I know what I should do. My mother would tell me to take my emotions out of it. What would you do if each life were worth the same? She would ask. She would want me to let her go. Give up. You can’t send thousands to their death just to save two I hear her saying. But it’s not that easy. How could I live with myself knowing I could have saved them? But how could they live with themselves knowing thousands of people died, just so they could live? It’s not fair. But that’s my choice, and once I make it I can’t go back. I have two hours to let him know. Most of it I spend frozen. Unsure what’s going on, I can’t tell if I’m thinking so fast that nothing stays, or if I’m thinking of absolutely nothing. Then, when I do snap out of it, I spend more time questioning the fairness of the decision I have to make. Why there has to even be a decision. Finally, I come to my senses and start thinking about what I’m going to do. But by then I have less than thirty minutes.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lorata — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:56:28 -0800

Please remember, if the poster above you has no critiques, post a reply before putting up your own excerpt.

Re: Three paragraph critique

liamarehorselover — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:27:46 -0800

passmemoney.... Critique: I thought that the premise was good, but the writing was a little clunky. Most of that's just a little awkward sentence structures though... Grammar: Didn't see anything, but that doesn't really mean much Grade: C + or B Good things: interesting premise, not to mention immediate empathy for your MC, as well as curiosity to know more... Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (Turn the page. Although it might be buy for anyone else, I don't buy many books. Sorry if this is a little long. I couldn't find a place to leave it. Roy let a very concerned Justin Wyler show him up the stairs. Once they were within a few feet of his son's room Justin turned around, asked him, “May I be frank?” “Yes sir.” “I don't want you to upset him. If you do, I'll toss you out. He doesn't need you government types hanging 'round like vultures until he's better. Clear?” Roy nodded. Justin grudgingly opened his son's door and showed Roy in, then told him son, “Yell if you need anything.” Jack – Jack looked terrible. He was pale, and he'd lost about twenty pounds, making an already thin man dangerously so. His lip was scabbed over, something Roy was used to seeing, and his thin frame was covered in a t-shirt- but if the cuts and bruises on his arms and the thick bandages over his wrists were any indication, the man had been tortured brutally. Wyler hadn't seemed bothered by his appearance, or Roy's staring. Instead he simply continued eating his pasta and told Roy, “If you're done looking horrified and regretful you can sit down.” Wyler's voice was quiet and calm, like he was soothing Roy instead of the other way around. He motioned to the chair by the bed, then told Roy, “My dad's not really fond of you, but I bet he'd get you something to drink if you asked nice.” “I'm fine.” “Okay.” He went back to eating his pasta. Roy took a duplicate of a check out of his pocket, and handed it to him. The full amount. Wyler whistled through his teeth. Then asked, “How'd you manage that? I was sure this one'd be apprehended for the rescue and the doctor.” “I told Cline to show some human decency.” “That what'd you do?” “I took it out of your medical expenses.” Wyler nodded. “Thanks.” “Sure. I just put it in your account.” “Okay.” They were silent for a long time, then Wyler said, “Thank you, by the way.” “For what?” “For pulling me out of that hellhole. I appreciate it.” “I didn't....” “I remember you. You were at the airport. You got me to Montana. Thank you.” “Sure.” Roy stared raptly at the TV, then asked, “What do you remember?” Wyler's hand tightened on the fork. “Everything.” “Everything?” “Things get fuzzy at the end.” Roy stared at him, then said, “No wonder your father didn't want me to come see you.” “Dad worries too much.” “If I was your father I wouldn't let you out of my sight.” Wyler nodded, then asked, “Cline tell you to come see how long I'll be.” “No.” “Oh?” “I came to make sure you're all right.” “I'm fine.” When any of his other agents said that, Roy didn't believe them. When Wyler said it he almost did. Wyler had always been self aware. That was nothing new. “Did I – give them anything?” Roy shrugged, “Not anything that matters.” “Did I give them you?” “No actually. You didn't even give them Cline. Why I don't know, but you didn't. I'm not sure if you're brave or just stupid.” “Alex said stupid.” Roy knew who Alex was. He and Wyler had few secrets from one another. “Maybe he's right.” “Maybe.” “Jack?” Wyler looked up, stunned. In the three years he'd been handling Wyler he'd never used his first name. “I don't need an answer now. In fact I don't want it. I just want to tell you something.” Wyler nodded. “Cline will use you up until there's nothing left. It's his job. He does it well. You're young. You could do something else. Be a rancher, a lawyer, anything. Didn't you say once you wanted to be an archetect?” Wyler nodded slowly, then told him, “I'll let you know when I decide.” “Wyler - “ “It's not your job to save me Roy. You did it once. You don't have to make a habit of it. It's all right.” Roy stood, told him, “I'll let you rest.” but before he cleared the doorway, he turned, told Jack, “I've had plenty of fixers in my time, Wyler. You were the only one worth saving.” His brother came in with his lunch, put it on the nightstand. He thanked him, and Alex sat down, asked him, “What'd Roy want?” “Me to quit.” “Yeah?” “You could sound a little less thrilled.” Alex shook his head, laughing a little, “Yeah, Jack, it's never been much a mystery how I feel about what you do.” “No. You didn't.” He reached over and took his lunch from the tray, ate it silently. The silence was quiet and heavy, it made Alex uncomfortable, but he knew that Jack, he couldn't handle having to make conversation now. He was just trying to hold it together long enough- Alex wasn't sure what his brother was trying to hold it together for. He had a feeling that Jack was going to fail, was hoping it would be soon, that he would fall to pieces while he was home, so that they could at least try to put him back together again. Jack finished his lunch and laid back down, curling over onto his side, his body tilted diagnolly so that he could lean against the pillows pushed up against the wall and watch TV. Alex watched as he looked at the TV, though he wan't really paying attention, it seemed more a space filler than anything else. Alex wondered what went through his head sometimes, although, to be fair, he'd always been quiet. Now though, he was quiet to an alarming degree. Before he'd always had an opinion, would venture one when he chose too, often with a surprising amount of dry wit. Now he wouldn't volunteer any sort of information, just lay there, and stared. The doctor said to give him time, Alex could do that. So he did what he usually did and asked, “Do you want anything, buddy? While I'm downstairs?” Jack looked at him, “Yeah- actually. I'd kill for a cup of coffee.” Alex went downstairs, went into the kitchen, got the coffee out, they'd bought decaf for him, and figuring why not, brewed a whole pot, and poured two cups, one for his brother and one for himself. Jack perked up almost immediately when Alex came back in with the coffee, telling him, “Thanks.” “Mmhmm.” Alex had put cream and sugar in, to make it sweeter, thinking Jack might like it that way better, and he did, because once he drank the first cup he asked for another. Alex saw him yawning and told him, “It's decaf.” “I know. Just – makes me feel --” Jack cut himself off for a moment, until he forced out, “It's familiar. The taste.” “Sure. Okay. I made a whole pot.” Jack smiled,

Re: Three paragraph critique

Harlow — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:19:26 -0800

Yeah, see, that particular sentence doesn't hold any real strength to me. It could be because we may be from different environments, but when someone is using 'fuck' in regards to a situation (similar to how Tarantino uses it in his films), it makes things a bit more urgent for me. 'raped' is already a powerful enough term, so we don't tend to use it, but torture doesn't mean much of crap, so if someone is like, "OMG THAT GUY WAS FUCKING TORTURED, DUDE!" it makes it a bit more strong to me.

Re: Three paragraph critique

passmemoney — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:07:03 -0800

this is my first critique, so don't take what i say into account too much :P Critique: I found the dialogue was a bit annoying, but i could grow to like it depending on the introduction of the characters and the development. Overall i found it to be OK, not really my style of story may be more interesting to someone who prefers that genre. Grammar: there are a couple of spelling errors (well they are wrong in Australia, but could be spelled correctly where ever you are, i guess...) Grammar isn't really my strongest part of writing. Grade: C+ Good things: it was a little bit interesting, and could have been more so to a fan of the genre. I also like the parts in between the dialogue, i thought they were not overdone and fitted in perfectly. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: not really into it that much, so i would probably put it down. I could see others turning the page though.

Re: Three paragraph critique

RuheeK — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 01:35:54 -0800

Hey, so firstly, it's way, way more than three paragraphs. I didn't get why you ended it like you did, either, because it looks like you left a sentence-or a scene-hanging. Now for the crit. Critique: Um, the premise may be interesting, though as a reader I feel too left out and unsure of what's happening for it to be a beginning. If it's an end, with both the main characters already well-known and loved, then sure. But then I don't get the narration in the second half, trying to develop his character using his brother's viewpoint. I'm not too happy with the style, there's a lot of name repetition, which grates on my ears just a bit. You could always try to change it up a bit, instead of going Roy... Wyler... Roy... over and over. I do like the dialogue, though it sometimes veers on the overused side. It might've helped me understand them a bit more, if there was a little more narration instead of unbroken dialogue. Grammar: I did catch a few mistakes, nothing that a proofread wouldn't remove. Grade: B. But I rate a lot of things B, and don't always like to read them. Good things: Dialogue. It helped in keeping my attention, even though the scene was pretty long. Buy, put down, or tun the page?:Put down. This isn't really my favourite genre, and doesn't have anything special enough in these few paragraphs to interest me.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 02:56:58 -0800

Hiya, Thanks for the critique. Do you mind my asking which spelling bothered you though? If it's in the dialogue, then it's probably on purpose (I'm trying to write an accent but it's the first time I've done that. We'll see how it turns out). Otherwise, it could be really useful to know what common word I've managed to misspell. Cheers :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:08:41 -0800

I stopped in front of the door to his apartment and gave it a firm knock, completely ignorant of what might lay behind it despite weeks of fevered imaginings depicting what I hoped I would see. A small percentage of my power willed the snowflakes descending from the sky to soar around me in awkward arcs so I could keep myself from becoming soaked. I wanted to look my best for him, and in my rush I did not leave my place with an umbrella or a proper coat for the brutal weather of a Minnesotan winter. Instead, I wore a slim black jacket with three little buttons holding it together and a flimsy scarf around my neck. It was there, waiting for the firm finality in the twist of a simple doorknob that I began to wonder when it all came tumbling down. Trying to think back to the particulars of those days was akin to wading knee-deep in both mud and fog with no destination; all I could cling to as I pushed my way through hazy nothingness was the fleeting, warm emotion I had whenever I dimly called forth the image of his small face to the front of my mind and everything else that was associated with it: the humid air, the sweaty white t-shirt with a yellow halo in front, his sandy blonde hair sticking to his cheeks as he laughed. I smiled faintly as I reminisced, flitting in between the crooked skeletons of my memories like a tiny bird. The door opened, and for a moment I was able to pick out all the features that stirred my desire when he was a young boy before they melted back into the broader, mannish attributes he possessed now.

Re: Three paragraph critique

jordan.williams42 — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 13:11:13 -0800

Critique: I found that ok really, I'd try and make the second paragraph longer somehow, maybe by combining that paragraph with the one below it, it's not really a paragraph if it's just one sentance, unless it's really a stand alone thing, but it really connects to the paragraph below it here. Grammar: I think it's 'lie' instead of 'lay' here. And maybe a comma after 'it' in that same sentance would help. 'but' might be better than 'and' when you mention the umberella. Grade: If one is the best and five is the worst I would give you a three. Well written but doesn't really stand out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but remember, not all paragraphs have to be dramatic all the time. Good things: I like the phrase 'awkaerd arcs', alliteration there. In fact, I like all of your adjectives, they are all very well chosen. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I would turn over to the next page because I'd be quite intruigued to see how whis meeting turned out, but it seems like a romance so not the sort of thing I'd buy, but that's just me, hehe.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Sunflakes — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:50:23 -0800

Merrit didn’t improve as quickly as Kaeloni had hoped. The nyclarin clung to its fragile existence in his veins, refusing to disappear entirely, and as long as any trace of it remained, he would still feel the phantom pain that it left behind and his muscles would still slowly degenerate, the only known side effect of the horrible drug. He was already withered enough. As long as the nyclarin levels remained high, they couldn’t give him morphine, only oral medicines such as lortav, which barely combated the pain at all. And they couldn’t check his blood too often, either – he was weak enough as it was. Kaeloni found herself rarely able to sleep these days. She would pace her room at night, sometimes in the dark and sometimes with the light on, racking her brain for what she could do, impulsively putting away clothing or making her bed or sometimes even vacuuming. She usually tried to sleep, but she would lie awake staring at the badly textured ceiling for hours before climbing out of her overly warm bed and finding something to do. She couldn’t stand doing nothing for so long. One night she had already made her bed, vacuumed the spotless floor, cleaned her mirror, and dusted for cobwebs (there were none) along the corners of the ceiling, and she still couldn’t sleep. It was three in the morning, and by this point, early morning hunger had started to settle in. She slipped on a robe and slippers and headed down to the kitchen to see if she could find something to eat. She saw the light on in the kitchen long before she got to the door. This startled her. It was the most infuriating thing ever to be awake this late; why would anyone else ever want to do it? Not that anyone had a choice in the matter. Maybe someone had just forgotten to turn the light off. When she swung open the door, she saw En sitting on a barstool, reading a large book under the dim glow of the oven light and drinking a cup of – “Is that coffee? That can’t be good for trying to sleep.”

Re: Three paragraph critique

RainbowFishie — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:23:45 -0800

Critique: It's not bad, though I'm a bit lost as to what's going on in the story. Then again, that's probably because I don't know what happened before this scene. I liked the second paragraph, though I was somewhat confused by the first one . You did an excellent job of describing insomnia in the second paragraph. I liked how you ended the third paragraph as well. Overall, the excerpt flows rather nicely. There's not much action, but description makes up for it somewhat. Besides, it isn't an action scene in the first place. Grammar: The second sentence in the first paragraph seems a bit like a run-on sentence. I would recommend breaking it into two compound sentences, or one complex and one simple, etc. Otherwise, it seems fine to me. Grade: 4. The description is nice, but as I said before, there's not much action. Good things: I like the description. I especially love the description in the last paragraph, it makes me think of a warm, cozy atmosphere. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I would turn the page to see how the conversation goes, though I'd probably put it down if there wasn't any action in the next few pages.

Re: Three paragraph critique

RainbowFishie — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 18:30:12 -0800

The morning air was cool and crisp, carrying with it the aroma of fall - the smell of firewood, dried leaves, pumpkins, and damp tree bark. Gideon pulled her coat tightly around herself, shivering slightly. She turned right at the fork in the road, taking a path she had never taken before. After a short walk, she turned into a district full of small, tightly packed shops. Wooden signs hung in front of each shop, advertising the wares in elaborate, curving script. A bell tinkled faintly as she walked into a shop named Sylverworks - Archibald and Jr., which sold silver weapons. The shop had a stale, musty scent about it, and a fine layer of dust covered the shelves. The walls were lined with racks and racks of weapons, each fashioned out of silver. There were daggers, pistols, bullets, swords, and a much larger assorted variety. Gideon stopped to admire a silver staff, an onyx set into the top of it. Words were carved into it in some sort of ancient tongue. She stepped closer to it, running a finger along the length of the staff. The silver was cold to the touch and felt slightly glassy. "It's a beauty, isn't it?" a thin, balding man asked her quietly. Gideon guessed that he was the storekeeper, as there weren't any other employees around. "How much is it?" Gideon blurted out impulsively. She immediately regretted her words. It was most certainly worth a lot - in any case, more than she could afford. All she had was a few bronze coins, which Estafan had given to her so that she could buy herself a bite to eat.

Re: Three paragraph critique

passmemoney — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:42:50 -0800

Her last line of defence**. - (defense) Who do you think it was gave me my courtesan’s licence** to begin with? - (license) “You don’t even know enough to realise** what you don’t know..." - (realize) but that is the English spelling where I am from, I'm not sure if it's incorrect where you are from. I also don't like the word "mage" used outside of dialogue, but that's just a personal preference.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:47:47 -0800

Oh, thanks :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kwahzutah — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 06:07:01 -0800

Critique: The three paragraphs really give the reader a sense of place and time, which is a great thing to have, and I also got a nice feel for Gideon. She seemed to be very curious, almost acting without thought. I like her impulsiveness, though, because one rarely finds a character who genuinely regrets rashness. But perhaps you could explain the significance of silver weapons. What are their uses? Are they expensive as antiques, or for practical purposes? Why is the store so musty if it sells expensive weaponry? Grammer: 5-sentences flow very well. Good things: Characterization(loved the atmosphere given by the storekeeper), description of the setting(first sentence was my favorite) Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I would turn the page-at the very least. This seems very much like an introduction, and really hooks me into the story. Once I got a better feel for how the story might pick up, I would then buy it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kwahzutah — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 06:09:57 -0800

Salus stood gazing upon it in wonderment, while Tasilien averted his eyes in mistrust of it. A mirror could do much, the girl reflected, but perhaps some lady had cast it out her window, disgusted with a simple gift? Whatever the case, it fascinated Salus, and she felt in her bones that the beautiful looking glass of mirror-silver would bring her fortune; good or ill, she knew not. So the young Fa'Salus, her white sleeves pushed back by the wind-curiousity in her heart-took the chain from the man one might consider her own Champion. It was a picture right out of a tapestry, the young girl drawing a favor from the hand of a valiant knight, the glistening clouds of the morning peeping at them above the edge of the bridge. But when the fingers of her other hand came up to stroke the shard of mirror, it turned a bit, and a scream tore from the thin throat and she threw it to the ground, falling backwards in terror. For on the smooth surface lay a disturbing image, a mouth, dying and grotesque, its rotten lips caught in a sharp smile. But what scared Salus, so much more than the image itself-that she might think no more than a portrait-was that it moved.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chibisarel — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 06:01:35 -0800

No, it's not the start of the novel =) It's the beginning of chapter four. But you're absolutely right; I could add at least some description. Thank you for your tips on how to make it better =D I appreciate it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

CloudlessRayne — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 07:32:46 -0800

Here are my first three pharagraphs: Some stories--in fact, most of them--start at the beginning. But this one starts before that, because first, there are some things you need to know before you will be able to understand this group of events that are very real and very dangerous. It’s amazing how the average human can read a group of true events and pass them off as ‘fiction’. They believe everything so easily… everything but the truth. This story is not a story. I am simply recording the information that has been relayed back to me. These events are very real. Now, back to my first point, to understand you must start before the beginning at the past in a world that has many similarities to ours, but also their fair share of differences. It was a dark and stormy night. Okay, it wasn't. Actually it was a bright and sunny morning, but that simply does not do the foretelling of a disastrous day for the Dream World justice. Anyway, the castle situated at the north end of the town appeared no different and neither did anything of this rather ‘normal’ place in which the ruler of the Dream World resided, in fact this area was the most similar to the “Real World’s”- that is how they refer to our world- society. The small city had the feeling of a medieval country and that was as accurate a description as any. Up in the castle the ruler was conversing with their most trusted advisor, an elder man that devoted his life to assisting The Divine Leader. “The East sector of the Dream World has been having a hard time controlling the high amount of growlers in their area,” began the advisor reading from a scroll the different variety of complaints he had been given from the vast world. “The beasts have increased in their hunting and have been killing many-” it was just then that the man was cut off by the sound of the door being opened in a hurry.

Re: Three paragraph critique

CloudlessRayne — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 07:34:28 -0800

Some stories--in fact, most of them--start at the beginning. But this one starts before that, because first, there are some things you need to know before you will be able to understand this group of events that are very real and very dangerous. It’s amazing how the average human can read a group of true events and pass them off as ‘fiction’. They believe everything so easily… everything but the truth. This story is not a story. I am simply recording the information that has been relayed back to me. These events are very real. Now, back to my first point, to understand you must start before the beginning at the past in a world that has many similarities to ours, but also their fair share of differences. It was a dark and stormy night. Okay, it wasn't. Actually it was a bright and sunny morning, but that simply does not do the foretelling of a disastrous day for the Dream World justice. Anyway, the castle situated at the north end of the town appeared no different and neither did anything of this rather ‘normal’ place in which the ruler of the Dream World resided, in fact this area was the most similar to the “Real World’s”- that is how they refer to our world- society. The small city had the feeling of a medieval country and that was as accurate a description as any. Up in the castle the ruler was conversing with their most trusted advisor, an elder man that devoted his life to assisting The Divine Leader. “The East sector of the Dream World has been having a hard time controlling the high amount of growlers in their area,” began the advisor reading from a scroll the different variety of complaints he had been given from the vast world. “The beasts have increased in their hunting and have been killing many-” it was just then that the man was cut off by the sound of the door being opened in a hurry.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Alerane — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 07:57:32 -0800

The light shows through my eyelids, a rosy cinnamon colour, and I know they are waking me up again. This time there is only one occupant in the recovery room, the same man who came in at the end of my last recovery. He must be appointed to wake up subjects. I have no tubes attached to my arms so my time out must have been short, because when there are tubes it means that I missed too many feeding times. The man is writing something, and then places his pen and clipboard down on a side table and reaches over to peel something off my knee. It’s a sticky bandage like the sort you put on ‘boo-boos’ as a kid, only much larger and less colourful. The inside has old dried out blood caked in it, but looking I see no mark on the knee besides some purple spots so whatever they did to the bullet hole seems to have worked. I twitch my knee and leg against the restraints to reassure myself of this, and sure enough it moves fine, the bruises only a distant dulled ache. Two assistants enter, the smaller boy with the bowl cut and a girl in a ponytail. They stand off to the side and wait to be told what they are wanted for. The man in the lab coat is busying himself with piling a mass of messily spread papers and putting them in a brown paper file folder. I can see some words printed on it, but what sticks out of course are numbers, this one emblazoned with a big 2-23. There seem to be a lot of observations on me for just a bullet, dislocated shoulder and temporary stopped breathing, but who am I to judge. God knows I am not, nor will ever be, a doctor. “Take 2-23 to be suited, then for feeding, exceptions H and G4, and then escort her to assembly.” The two nod, and undo my restraints as a tag team, stepping aside for each other’s work. This time the girl holds my shoulder, and this pair both prefer to walk behind me. Wandering the halls stark naked always feels threatening to me, so I wish they both weren’t such chickens.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:08:29 -0800

Thanks for pointing out the dialogue discrepancies, definitely something I'm trying to flush throughout that section of the novel. (time travel is awesome, psh)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:08:47 -0800

Critique: The thing that I drew from piece was mainly confusion. :( I tried to read it over and over again, but I was still asking myself questions (and not the good kind you want). This might soley be because this passage seems to be set in the middle of the book, though. Here's what confused me: The first paragraph was talking about a mirror from what I could safely assume (because first two sentences feel a bit wonky). But suddenly, the passage begins to talk about a "chain from a man one might consider her own Champion." At this point I went back to see if I missed anything. I didn't. Then, you continue on to say "It was a picture right out of a tapestry..." What? From a chain? What's going on? Unless you meant another sort of chain (what kind?), I don't know what's going on. :( In the third paragraph, where is the scream coming from? With the lack of pronouns, it sounds like either the mirror or the girl could have been screaming, and I have no idea which one it was. Grammar: It was decent, but there were a few mistakes. Your usage of hyphens, for example. CloudlessRayne below has a pretty good example on how to use them properly. What I usually do is utilize a space, however, like this: "But what scared Salus, so much more than the image itself - that she might think no more than a portrait - was that it moved." Without spaces means that the two words are connected. You can imagine how stumped I was when I was trying to figure out what "wind-curiousity" meant (The wind was curious? A curious wind?)! Other sentences felt wonky, too. Grade: A solid three out of five! Good things: I like the description about the "picture out of a tapestry;" I really actually envisioned that when I read it! IMO I would use a different word other than 'peeping,' though, if you want to keep the image you're making about a beautiful picture. However, peeping implies a bit of playfulness (to me), so if that's what you wanted then it's perfectly fine. : ) Buy, put down, or turn the page?: This feels like a fantasy. I love fantasy, but if I read a passage like this in the middle of the book (I admit I do flip some around a lot), I think I would waver between putting it down or turning the page simply because this scene was confusing, and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up with the rest of the story. Lastly, shame shame shame on the people below! You should critique first before posting if the person above you hasn't gotten any critique. We don't want a backlog like what happened further up in the thread.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:08:54 -0800

thanks for the feedback! :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:10:33 -0800

I feel like pursed her lips is somewhat too common (or that I've used that expression elsewhere in my novel and want to stay away from it!). I like the wrinkle brow, but I've used that for Vincent somewhere else :/

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:25:32 -0800

I like this scene a lot! I think you meant to space out the paragraphs, but clumped them together to make a smaller post (I'm fine with that). So, imagining as it written in 9 paragraphs... There were two sentences that particularly read as strange to me: “Rye,” she looked from the splatter to her friend, and said again, in quite the same tone- one of suppressed panic, “Rye, my cake just slapped me.” -- The sentence made me laugh, but I think for easier reading, I'd break it up a little, or move the comments about her tone somewhere toward the end of two sentences. "Rye," she said, looking up from the splatter in her hand to her friend in wide eyes. Repeating with a voice in a controlled panic, she said, "Rye. My cake just slapped me." "Rye couldn't hide his humour. A huge grin paraded across his face." I think humour isn't really the word to use here. Also, I think Rye's acceptance of a bizarre situation happened awfully fast. But perhaps that's how you meant it... I'd definitely keep reading. :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

Chinikins — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:53:10 -0800

Critique: I don't come across much second-person POV, so I found it an interesting read. Because the writing is essentially constant dialogue to the reader (in this case, awesome me!), I think you should slow down the speaker's "talking." The speaker is somewhat all over the place in two ways: First: The train of thought: "anyway, ..." and "back to my first point..." Secondly: the very long sentences: "Anyway, the castle situated at the north end of the town appeared no different and neither did anything of this rather ‘normal’ place in which the ruler of the Dream World resided, in fact this area was the most similar to the “Real World’s”- that is how they refer to our world- society." When I got to this sentence, it was very hard for me to keep focus on the reading. Once I got through the first and second paragraphs, the third paragraph had a better pace for me. good things: I think the narrator has a personality that I would enjoy reading! I think if you clean up your sentences, it'll be a good read. grade: B- turn the page or buy: It'd hard for me to say. If you cleaned it up, I'd likely keep reading. But as it is now, the writing style doesn't quite mesh with me.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Kwahzutah — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:52:22 -0800

Thank you for the critique! I'll admit that I'm not specific enough in certain places, which is probably because I haven't had anyone else look at my novel yet. The bit about the hyphen is especially helpful!

Re: Three paragraph critique

EmmaMayfield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:17:48 -0800

Macy wiped the sweat off of her forehead as she watched the children play in the backyard. They got along well, but John and Elizabeth were obviously hoping for another sibling. That was something Macy couldn’t guarantee to her two youngest. Not now anyway. Not after all they had been through with Rebecca. Macy’s heart longed for those days. Ben and her had spoken many times about having another child, but when it happened, it took the breath out of them. It had taken the life out of them. The disease had spread quickly, and before they knew it, their precious little girl was safe in the arms of Jesus, her body buried in a small cemetery down the road. Macy felt like she could never be happy again. Her baby was gone.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Lucien Jay — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:10:18 -0800

No problem, it was a pleasure! I hope it wasn't too brutal. I tend to get long-winded in my posts...

Re: Three paragraph critique

glasgsar — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:28:39 -0800

If someone has time, I'd really appreciate anyone's opinion, especially if you're a more experienced writer. Thanks!

Re: Three paragraph critique

EmmaMayfield — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:09:42 -0800

EFIT: Forgot to space it. :| Macy wiped the sweat off of her forehead as she watched the children play in the backyard. They got along well, but John and Elizabeth were obviously hoping for another sibling. That was something Macy couldn’t guarantee to her two youngest. Not now anyway. Not after all they had been through with Rebecca. Macy’s heart longed for those days. Ben and her had spoken many times about having another child, but when it happened, it took the breath out of them. It had taken the life out of them. The disease had spread quickly, and before they knew it, their precious little girl was safe in the arms of Jesus, her body buried in a small cemetery down the road. Macy felt like she could never be happy again. Her baby was gone.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Twilight7fire — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 05:49:42 -0800

Critique: Your excerpt came across as very passive. More 'telling' than 'showing'. There is obviously a deep trauma here, yet the way you describe it could not quite make me care. Also, the 'obviously hoping for another sibling' sort of irked me - how does someone 'obviously hope' something? From this premise, I take it your story is written in third person limited; if that is the case, then the wish for another sibling should either be voiced aloud, or Macy should have another, more obvious way of coming to the conclusion that the kids want another brother or sister. Grammer: English is not my native language, so this is hard for me to pinpoint, but your use of language does seem somehwat clunky and/or stilted. I'm not sure if "Ben and her" is the correct phrasing. Grade: I give it 3 out of 5, because I do think there is a lot of potential if you make it more gripping. Good things: I like the last paragraph best. You very gracefully imply that Macy is religious by using the phrase about Jesus, which is a perfect 'show don't tell'. I like the closing sentence; it's short, powerful, to the point. If you can reconstruct the rest of the text to be like your closing paragraph, you're definitely on to something! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: honestly, I wouldn't continue reading it, but mostly because I don't think it's my genre of choice. If this is the opening of your book, rethink it, because it feel a little to generic to my taste.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Twilight7fire — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 05:52:50 -0800

A black hell-beast of a horse burst through the curtain of fog as suddenly as if it had just sprung forth from perdition. It was all rolling eyes and flaring nostrils, framed by a tangle of snaking mane. Eliza shrieked and threw her arms in front of her face, in a feeble attempt to protect herself. The horse came to a halt so abruptly that it reared up on its hind legs and she felt a gush of cold wind as the flailing hooves missed her by an inch. She stumbled sideways, nearly loosing her footing on the dirty cobbles. The driver swore, but whether at her or at the horse she couldn’t tell. “Help,” she cried feebly, stretching out a hand in his direction. There were red stains all over her delicate white glove. “Help me!”

Re: Three paragraph critique

LadyStarlea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 09:31:18 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) It was not bad could be better. Not sure how many people will know that perdition means hell. I had to look it up myself and my husband also did not know what it meant. The second paragraph seems off. I think you really need to add that she is trying to protect herself from the flaring hooves of the rearing horse. The mentioning of the horse rearing seems out of place. Seems it should have been in the first paragraph. Maybe take the first part of the second sentence of the second paragraph and place it after the perdition sentence before the "It was all..." then the last part where the hoofs miss her becomes the second sentence on its own there. Doing that might even fix why the second paragraph felt off to me. Grammar: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) seemed fine to me but not my best subject Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) 4 or B Good things: (please include this) love how you describe the horse. I could really see it in my head. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would turn the page. I want to know where the blood on her glove came from and can only find that out if I turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

LadyStarlea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 09:39:37 -0800

As they were in the dry goods shop placing their order they hear the loud ringing of a large brass bell and the call of "Oyez, Oyez, Oyez!" Jenny looked out of the shop. She saw a young lanky man with soft blonde curls who she thought was close in their age walking into the center of the market square. Ah, that must be one of the king's criers's wearing all that...well I wouldn't be caught wearing that elaborate dress. That long red coat with gold trim has got to be expensive and the white breeches will be a bitch to clean the black long boots seems the only practical thing he is wearing. She watched from the shop as he walked to the center of the square ringing his bell She wondered if he had arrived last night as they had or if he had just come in. If he had just came in he had time things perfectly as it was now nearing lunch so the market was at it's most crowded time of the day. As he strolled though the square with a large scroll and his large bell she heard him call out again "Oyez, Oyez, Oyez!" people left the stalls to watch him. A handful of them followed him to the center she wonder what brought the king's crier today. It wasn’t that they never saw one. A crier would come a few times a year to make the king’s announcements. But everyday kingdom news was delivered by the traveling bard. So the crier meant whatever it was the information was important and everyone needed to hear it, like a new royal proclamation. Jenny taped Tracey on her shoulder as the crier got nearer the center of the square. Tracey was in the middle of bartering over some flour, sugar and salt for the academy with the dry goods shop keeper. She turned to Jenny who nodded her head to the crier calling her attention to him. Tracey looks seeing the red coat on the crier and not a blue one that the town crier wears she nods turning back to the merchant "If you can see those things delivered to the academy's storage in the pub and grub run by the Bartley's, it will be appreciated." she told him. He agreed and she turned leaving to listen to the crier with her friend. The crier climbed up on the widest part of the town fountain in the center of town. It was made wider to provide a small stage to allow the crier to stand above the crowd. The crier, cleared his throat and projected his voice in a way that he wasn’t yelling yet everyone in the center market square of the town could hear him just fine “Oyez,Oyez! The King’s Rangers Wish All To Know The Trial Of Three Will Be Held On The thirty-third Day Of The Maiden. All Participants Must Be Registered By eight Bells. The Trial Events Starting At nine Bells. Come One Come All To Bare Witness As The Best In The Realm Prove Themselves Worthy To Be Called A Member Of The King’s Rangers. Additional Information Will Be Posted”

Re: Three paragraph critique

LadyStarlea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 11:19:42 -0800

disregard the above post. Can't believe I can't delete my last post even. I did some rewriting based on soemthign a few people said and the above changed to the below so please critique the following.... A dark haired young lady, with her hair in a warrior's tail, entered the dry goods shop. The shop was one of the open booths with actual wooden floor and walls but no glass in the windows in the front that led to the market square. Smaller bags of different flours, salt and sugars as well as yeast was on the shelves that lined the inside walls. As they looked over the shop the shop keeper was looking her and her strawberry blonde friend over. He had not seen them in town before. They were dressed the same but they were in casual clothes not something that could be seen as a uniform. They had long sleeved white tunics belted over what looked like a long brown skirts. They walked over to him at his counter and smiled to him. “Hello sir. My name is Tracey and this is Jenny. We will like to place an order for large amounts of flour, sugar and salt. Can you handle that? I only see smaller bags out here on your shelves.” The dark hair girl asked after introducing her and her friend to him. “Morning Ladies, I am Jon Thorison and I have the large bags out in the back. What can I do you for?” he asked pulling out a clipboard with an order form on it that he used for large orders. He looks up towards the front doorway as they hear the loud ringing of a large brass bell and the call of "Oyez, Oyez, Oyez!" Jenny turns around and looks out of the shop her pony tail swing as she had turns. Though Tracey remained focused on Mr Thorison so he returned to her and taking their order down. Jenny saw a young lanky man with soft blonde curls who she thought was close in their age walking into the center of the market square. Ah, that must be one of the king's criers's wearing all that...well I wouldn't be caught wearing that elaborate dress. That long red coat with gold trim has got to be expensive and the white breeches will be a bitch to clean the black long boots seems the only practical thing he is wearing. She watched from the shop as he walked to the center of the square ringing his bell She wondered if he had arrived last night as they had or if he had just come in. If he had just came in he had time things perfectly as it was now nearing lunch so the market was at it's most crowded time of the day. As he strolled though the square with a large scroll and his large bell she heard him call out again "Oyez, Oyez, Oyez!" people left the stalls to watch him. A handful of them followed him to the center she wonder what brought the king's crier today. It wasn’t that they never saw one. A crier would come a few times a year to make the king’s announcements. But everyday kingdom news was delivered by the traveling bard. So the crier meant whatever it was the information was important and everyone needed to hear it, like a new royal proclamation.

Re: Three paragraph critique

KAlast — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:55:12 -0800

Critique: I like the scene you have set, but I think it could be better. I feel 'perdition' is a clumsy word and doesn't have as much impact as hell. I can see why you have used it so as not to double up on hell and hell-beast, but perhaps you could just call the horse a beast? Also, the first sentence doesn't make as much sense to me as it probably should. When I think of something bursting forth from hell, I think of fire, not fog. I think the second paragraph may have more impact as a starting point, and we are immediately introduced to our MC and wonder why she is trying to protect herself. Maybe try something like this (please take this as my suggestions only, I am far from a professional): Eliza shrieked throwing her arms over her face as the horse burst through the fog. Its rolling eyes and flaring nostrils were framed by a tangled mane. The horse was as black as the depths of hell itself. The rider pulled the horse to a halt and it reared up on its hind legs. Eliza felt a gush of cold wind as the flailing hooves missed her by an inch. She stumbled sideways, almost losing her footing on the dirty cobbles. The rider swore, but whether at her or the horse, she couldn’t tell. “Help,” she cried feebly, stretching out her hand. Her delicate white glove was covered in red stains. “Help me!” I don’t think you need to say “in a feeble attempt to protect herself” as she isn’t actually harmed by the horse, its hooves miss her. Horses usually have riders, not drivers. Grammar: only one comma I thought out of place and loosing is losing with one o. Grade: B+/A- Good things: I found it very easy to picture this in my head, especially the outstretched bloody glove (I’m assuming it’s blood!). Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Definitely turn the page and possibly buy if the sentence structure was a little better.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Twilight7fire — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:50:42 -0800

Thank you both for commenting. :) I think I should make try and write more clearly what is going on, because it seems you're both confused by my choice of words. The story takes places in Victorian London - the fog is the famous, almost solid, pea-soup green London Particular. The horse bursting through the fog is in front of a carriage, and at first, the girl lifts her arms in a feeble attempt to protect herself because she's almost run over. The London Particular was so dense that at the worst of times, you wouldn't be able to see more than a few yards ahead, which explains why the horse appears so suddenly. It only rears up because the driver pulls it to an abrupt halt, and then almost strikes Eliza because she is so close. Now, the fact that the horse is drawing a carriage becomes obvious in the rest of the text, but the other issues I will obviously have to deal with. It's hard to find a balance between a very limited third person perspective and not make things too confusing for the audience! I'll consider what to do with 'perdition' - I admit that it's a very archaic word, but because of the historical setting, it might be more in tune with the characters own vocabulary. Anyway, you've both given me a lot to think about, and I will certianly take it along in a restructuring of the bit!

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 11:52:36 -0800

I've never done one of these before, so my advice might not be any good. Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) In terms of emotionalness: great. I almost cried. I think that all the questions she asks her mother make it feel a little bit crowded though. Also, I think that it gets a bit confusing when you say earlier that she'll be smart enought to get by, and then later contradict that and say that that never happens. I think if you explained it all at the same time it would make more sense. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) Yeah, it's my nemesis too. I can't really say anything except for maybe cut down on the one word sentences. A few are okay, but more just make the page seem cluttered. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) B- (but I really have no idea) Good things: (please include this) Fricken exciting. I can feel the desperation in Evols voice. It makes me want to learn more about the world that all of this is happening in, and what will happen to her mother. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Turn the page. I would read on to see a little more of what was happening. I probably wouldn't buy, but that's only because this isn't really my kind of book.

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 11:53:45 -0800

Sorry, that was meant to be a critique of She Believed

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:06:54 -0800

I'm a completely inexperienced writer, but I'll give you my opinion anyway. It may be completely worthless. Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) Really Funny. I almost lol'd at "What's an alpaca?" I think that it's a little hard for me to get into. I wasn't really wondering why she had responded so understatedly by the last paragraph. I just figured that she was flabbergasted and didn't know how to respond. If theres a story behind the reason she didn't respond, I think that you need to make it clearer that she really wasnt affected by the announcement. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) Is the "duh" supposed to be in brackets? I have no idea what the correct way to put that in is, but it just looked a little strange to me. I may be an idiot. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) C Good things: (please include this) Hilarious. The idea that someone would be so happy with breeding Alpacas is hilarious. Also, I think that I can get a really good sense of the characters' personalities from the little exchange. I can really get a good image of both of them. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Turn the page. I want to see if the rest is just as funny. I don't think I'd buy it though. It wouldn't suck me in.

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:07:41 -0800

And this was meant to be a critique of glasgsar. This reply thing is messing with me.

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:25:31 -0800

My inexpirenced two cents: Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) I like the voice that the first paragraph shows, but I think that it's a bit rambling. You could probably cut out a few sentences and make it easier to read. Also, the dark and stormy night thing doesn't seem to fit with the serious mood that you set in the first paragraph. It seems more like you're making a joke than commenting on what the setting should have been. I think that you need to reword a few sentences in the second paragraph to make them easier to read. I think you could probably cut the sentence about the castle into two sentences. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) Should the - be a --? I never remember the rules about that. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) B- Good things: (please include this) Great voice. I can really hear the narrator talking to me as I read. Also, I get a slight forboding feeling as I read, that somehting terrible is going to happen. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Buy, depending on what the back of the book said. Its a genre I like, and it sounds like an interesting story, but it needs some polishing

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 06:59:35 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) It's very, very wordy. All of the action sort of gets lost in the description. Unless all the pots and shops are critical to the action, I think you would be better off just rewording it to include maybe a mention of them, but nothing more. I think that what you were trying to get at was that the crier was here because something important had happened, but you took a sort of roundabout root in describing that. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) I think you changed tense at the end of the second paragraph. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) C Good things: (please include this) I looks like an interesting story. I can tell that the background and world are very well thought out. Also, you imagery is very vivid, and I can see what is happening as I read. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Put down. Its difficult to understand. Gosh, I feel like that was harsh. I'm sorry!

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 09:02:28 -0800

"I guess so," replied Sydney, observing the red pickup truck uneasily. If Penfold was in so much of a rush to get the Chronanchor back that he had brought a truck, they would have a hard time stealing it back before he got it. They would have at least had a chance of ambushing the group on the streets if they had walked. Mark began to creep towards the truck, but Sydney pulled him back quickly. "Voices!" she whispered, ducking down behind the old "Lakeview Trail" sign that sat just off the edge of the forest. The voices were growing closer, increasing in volume as they came. From the sound of it, at least some of the humans had escaped the werewolves.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:18:15 -0800

Yours is short, so that makes it easy. Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) For some reason, I thought your second sentence was a tad confusing. I think it was just too many ambiguous pronouns, and it left me saying "what the hell did I just read?" Also, it sounds like something slightly ominous and scary is happening in this scene, but I'm getting none of that from the characters. You need to express more thought and emotions into the scene. You're going to hate me for this, but as everyone says, "Show. Don't tell." You also speak in a passive voice all too often throughout the passage. Grammer: I think "towards" is actually supposed to be "toward," at least if you live in America. I may be wrong on that. I just remember my English teacher telling me that last year. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) B- Good things: (please include this) It makes me wonder what is going on exactly with the humans and werewolves. I think it could be interesting. I'll be honest though, it wasn't entirely a long enough passage for me to make that critique. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Eh, turn the page. It sounds interesting, but I think it needs a little more depth in the prose and I personally am just VERY particular about the fantasy/supernatural books I read, since I usually prefer more realistic fiction... says the girl writing a supernatural book...

Re: Three paragraph critique

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:19:30 -0800

My critique of yours is below...I swore I clicked "reply"

Re: Three paragraph critique

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:25:07 -0800

Lena stroked her cheek tentatively. Her flesh heated in winding trails, feeling the million thumb pad paths traced and embedded chaotically upon the lines of her face, each one describing a distinct perfect kiss, a distinct soft caress, a distinct starlit moment. A distinct starlit moment such as the one she was experiencing now. The latest paths along her mouth and chin curled into a frown and heated up even quicker, nearly to the point of producing beads of sweat, for she couldn’t repress the disturbing realization that each tender line, each stroke of affection that would forever mark her face was drawn by the hand of a sadistic killer. Yes. It was a cold-blooded murderer with whom she had traded spiced jelly bean flavors in Main Street, and shared secrets and laughs in the school hallways, and slow-danced at prom. It was a cold-blooded murderer whom she had had touched, kissed, even fallen in love with, and that thought alone was enough to make someone want to hide away in a shroud of darkness, where no one could ever find them.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Alice Rocker — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:39:13 -0800

Okay, so this is going to be my first attempt at a critique, so it might not be worth much. Still I'm going to try. Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) When you first started off with "Her flesh heated in winding trails" I didn't really understand what was going on. As I continued to read, I understood it more, but am still a little confused about that. Is she just remembering where she was touched? Or is she blushing? It might just be me, but I can't really tell. You might want to clarify a bit, unless it's explained later or something. Also, in the first paragraph, I don't particularly like how you used the word "distinct" three times in a row. I didn't notice the first two times but after the third, it got a little repetetive. You may want to consider using a different word. There are a couple sentences that appear to be run-ons at first, such as the last one in the second paragraph, but when I reread them, I really don't think that they can be split up any other way. I do compliment you on pulling that off, as I really shouldn't be talking on that subject. Other than that, I really did enjoy it. Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) The only thing I found was when you said, "...traded spiced jelly bean flavours in Main Street..." should that be *on* Main Street, or is Main Street a candy store? Also, is jelly bean one word, or two? I'm not sure, so I won't be much help, but, if you haven't already checked, you might want to look into that. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) A- Good things: (please include this) Your writing flows really well and I like how you worked up to that last statement. It got me excited and made me want to read more, because hey, who doesn't want to read about a main character that falls for the bad guy? :) Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) I would definitely turn the page. Minus those couple of details, I really did enjoy your excerpt. Hope this helps a little. Remember, I'm a newby, so...sorry, if it didn't. Great three paragraphs, again. Hope to see your book in the store some day. So I *can* turn the page. ^^

Re: Three paragraph critique

Wilson3sd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 07:07:16 -0800

As Natalie looked out over the water, knowing they had failed, her hand slipped lightly into Bobby’s. The stars, beginning to peek through the clouds from the late afternoon storm, sparkled high above. She looked up, still clasping Bobby’s hand, and saw the colors of the sky shifting from the pink and orange on the horizon to the deep navy blue overhead forcing the light out and away. Her other hand fell to Bobby’s head, absently brushing his hair, smoothing it for her own sake. She sat, still and sad, as the last waves of the receding tide slid back and forth around her and Bobby. The water, though only an inch deep or less, soaked her legs as she knelt beside him. The sand crept into their hands as the cold surf rushed in. Pacific’s cold, she thought. Looking at Bobby, she felt as if she was the Pacific. Natalie had been surprised by the fury and force of the waters surrounding the Drake Passage. An anger rose deep inside of her as she studied Bobby’s face. He could be asleep, she thought. “Except he’s not waking up,” a hollow voice that Natalie didn’t recognize as her own told the uncaring ocean.

Re: Three paragraph critique

PeverellSister — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 11:28:42 -0800

Thanks so much for your critique! And no, I don't hate you for saying that I need to "show not tell." :) I was reading through the chapter with these paragraphs in it yesterday, and the entire chapter is like this. I'm going to completely rewrite it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:33:42 -0800

Yet another rewrite of the beginning: The noise. It wouldn’t stop for anything. Calling it noise; however, would be an unfair accusation. It flowed more, with more precision; a tune meant to bring about some sort of reaction. It was a tune that had been going since Creation, and showed no clear signs of stopping anytime in the near future. The song of the blue guitar. A certain corner of the world, in the eyes of one of its inhabitants, remained quiet, even as the world around her was thoroughly engulfed in the tune. Instead it was only heard about from a distance. She pondered this postulation of hers, and thought about the fact that Things As They Are indeed continued to change, only in smaller ways. The seasons always came, changing the landscape. People, fish, wildlife, they all came and went. The problem came from the fact that every one of those events remained just that; an event. A mere blip on the timeline of the girl’s beloved little lakeside town in one of the northernmost counties of Georgia. This girl looked out her bedroom window at that town, wide-eyed, taking everything in. The first day of October, a phenomenal thing in her eyes. The one and only first day of October there would be the entire year of 1962. It just so happened to be a Monday, too, the first day of the week according to the Slavs. The combination of two firsts enthralled her completely, sending her skipping enthusiastically down the stairs into the day. She laughed silently to herself, imagining what other people would say if they knew she, a junior in high school, still skipped. To her, if the cause was fitting, what kept her from doing so? And as previously mentioned, she found double firsts a fitting cause in every respect.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Princeshelby — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:47:03 -0800

Critique: I liked it overall, but I'd give Natalie a little more time to think over her feelings before Hollow Voice steps in. Or maybe that's just that I like all the talk about the ocean, I'm a little biased to coastal settings. There were also some wordings that came off a little cliche, try using words more creatively. Or (for example, in the case of the phrase "hollow voice") try going back to less poetic wordings. Finally, try revising the last sentence, it didn't flow very well. Grammar: I'd look over sentence structure a little closer. There were several that didn't flow well. Grade: B+ Good things: As previously mentioned, I liked the coastal setting. The imagery was really good for the second paragraph, I could imagine being there very well. There wasn't a ton I could find to critique. Buy, put down, or turn page: I'd probably read the back cover and turn the page before buying it. It looks pretty good, overall!

Re: Three paragraph critique

That Guy You Met Once — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:25:06 -0800

I was NaNo rebel this year, writing a graphic novel script. Here's a description of a... thing the protagonist sees in a nightmare. (Does three paragraphs and one spare sentence still count?) --- It vaguely resembles a person in outline, but only in silhouette, from a distance. The trickle of moonlight through the window reveals it to be a 20-foot, barely humanoid mess of bodies disassembled, then pressed back together like lumps of clay. It doesn’t have one face, but tens melted together, all belonging to the people she knows. Countless more faces and body parts sprout from where they should not be. Mouths on the sides of its head, hands reaching from its legs, and various leftover parts stuck wherever they’ll fit... Fourteen mouths here, thirty eyes there, all staring holes into her. Its “fingertips” are masses of smaller hands all clawing and grasping, the rest of its “fingers” made of the arms attached to them, wrapped around each other and bending at the elbows and wrists where a normal person’s joints would be. Its palm is covered in more staring, grinning, and screaming faces, to which the arms belong. As it plods towards her, it begins to laugh hundreds of different laughs at once.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:10:51 -0800

“Hello, you two. Make any money today?” Fox pulled a coin purse from his belt and threw it to Red, who pawed through it, removed a good portion of the coins and tossed it back. At his side, looking like an almost-tamed bear, Fists made a deep, guttural sound in the back of his throat. “Not much,” he managed finally. Red scratched his chin, then glanced up at Vision. She shivered. “It’s okay. Our Vision’s going to make us plenty tonight. Won’t you, Vision?” She felt like screaming. Instead, when she spoke, her voice trembled, “Yes, Red,” Fists didn’t look happy. Not a lot went on behind his thick, protruding brow and he was limited to about three emotions. Anger happened to be one of them, which was unfortunate. The man stood a little bit shorter than Fox but his shoulders were thicker than some fairly sizeable tree trunks. His hands were large enough that he could snap her neck like a toothpick with one hand. She clutched at her pendant for comfort, tracing the familiar grooves of the floral carvings to distract herself as the thug continued to glare at her. Thankfully, being a simple creature, Fists did not possess the brain power to challenge the hierarchy. Vision was below him but the man lounging at his side was far above. Lefty threw a pebble at Fists’ head. “Don’t hurt yourself,” he drawled, “There’s too much thinking behind Red’s reasoning. Leave it be,” Fists turned to look at the ex-mercenary. The grizzled older man stared coolly back, fondling the hilt of a formidable sword. After a brief battle of wills, Fists’ attention span ran out and the confrontation was averted.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:13:58 -0800

It's a good description. I'm not feeling like I'm in a very good position to critique it but I'll give it a shot. May I ask exactly how it fits into the narrative? Are you going to put that in as is or present it differently? (I'll pop back in sometime tomorrow and finish my critique after I know how you're working it; that will change my critique).

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:19:01 -0800

Okay, this may sound like a mixed message but here we go. There's nothing specifically 'wrong' with that piece of writing. I like how in the first paragraph, you've interspersed the long sentences with short ones. The only thing I would personally bear in mind is that when your writing becomes very flowery without a lot of action, people tend to skim. It's a little bit difficult to work out what's happening right now -- that may just be because nothing of particular consequence has happened but maybe something to think about? B+

Re: Three paragraph critique

IrishMouse — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:15:42 -0800

I don't do a lot of critiquing so I'll just say.... It's really interesting! I would not only buy it but keep reading on the way to the checkout counter.

Re: Three paragraph critique

That Guy You Met Once — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:10:21 -0800

It's just a description for the artist to work from. However, since I'm going to post the raw script online, I figured I might as well put it up for criticism.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 18:25:21 -0800

In which case, I think it's fantastic. Very appropriate for a graphic novel and fairly unsettling in a good way. I bet your artist is going to have a lot of fun with it. It should turn out really well.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Rushshock — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:09:35 -0800

@fuzz Sorry ahead of time for spelling mistakes. Critique: Overall, I really liked the beginning of what you've posted. The relationship between each of the characters seem to have roles of power over 'Vision'. I'm guessing Red is in charge, and Vision is under him, and so is Fist who seems to be kinda like 'yeah I'll get you if Red has a problem with you'. You're characters could use more originality. I mean, Fist's seems to be the typical bad guy. Maybe make him like secretly intelligent or kind? I like Red, he's a lot like my character Lupus. A wolf character who's very devious but never get's his hand's dirty directly. But you're characters don't seem to stick to each other, have the same traits OR have exactly the opposite so they work together nicely, which is kinda like a breath of fresh air and I like it. I already listed what you can improve for 'Fist' and 'Red' I think could use a little more developing on your part. Vision isn't really revealed much beyond NOT being the one in power stance. You've described Fist a lot in the middle of what you've posted mostly. I liked your dialogue nobody seemed to have that clique role of 'yeah I'm the badass' directly. Again, red seems to be the in charge one and anyone can kinda decipher that. But it's not like he's coming out and saying it which is good. Although, I don't like "Hello, you two." shouldn't it be "Hello you two, make any money today?" I'm not all for grammar (I'm not saying that I teach literature at Harvard) so I could be wrong, but it just sounds better to me. It looks like you did that on purpose to display how Red talks, and I like the personality there so if you did do that on purpose than don't change it. (Well at least I wouldn't.) So now the biggest part of my critique, is that I don't know if your characters are animals or not. I mean, you give them a lot of animal traits so it's confusing at first. Maybe I am just missing a sentence that distinctly points out 'HEY WHERE HUMAN' even though were described through animal traits. Like I said, if Red talks kinda choppy like the first dialogue sentence, then that's good. Personality in dialogue is good. (At least I think) I think overall the conversation is believable. Then Lefty comes in, it's a bit odd. Maybe describe 'Lefty" more, and it'd be kinda funny if he only had his left arm but that's just an idea. I like all your character's names, but I don't like the name 'Fist' its to...obvious. I'd like to know more about the story, although for now that's all I saw right or wrong with it ! Grammar: The first dialogue sentence, is phrased oddly. I don't know if that's just how you're portraying Red to speak, but if you are then its ok but if not it should be "Hello you two, make any money today?" or at least I think. I only can say that a few "," are out of place, your vocabulary is good though. Grade: B (84/100) Good things: I like the names, and dialogue a lot. You can tell who's in charge, and kinda how leadership goes between the characters. Nobody outright says "hey look here I'm the boss" but you can just tell and that's a good quality to have in your writing. Good job! Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Turn the page, and if I like it buy it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Rushshock — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:10:57 -0800

London, a bustling town. A glowering light across the globe, a wonderful and enchanting city. Elzar was standing in the middle of this fast paced, flowing network of people. All of them bound to their own duties. A French woman courteously welcoming guest into a parlor, a man smiling at customers and waving a lengthy hand over the produce he showcased proudly. It was night, dark and treacherous night. London had never been so beautiful, not in all Elzar’s years of living here had it looked so prosperous and young. A patch of paper hidden under the sleeve of his coat rumpled slightly. His nose twitched at the sound. Elzar was a peculiarly man. Every little thing bothers the poor creature. The crumpling of brown and coarse paper against his pale skin, bothered him. The jacket making a sloshing sound as it rubbed against his side, bothered him. Most of all however, what he had been asked to do, ridiculed him. He despised his job, his species, he even despised his disliking of every little thing. Most say he has some sort of detail disorder, but he says otherwise. He’s a smart man, although he doesn’t look it. He doesn’t give a look of curiosity to anything in his sight, nor a look of intelligence. He’s a silent figure, most call ‘A church mouse’. He’s sneaky, quiet and a horrible scene to be around. Besides this, every bit of personality left in him is normal. He adores London. One of the very few places he’d ever stay for more than a decade. In fact, that’s how long its been. A decade of living under the gleaming lights of the most beautiful city. The strong smell of a cigar climbed up to his enflamed nostrils, he took it out of his pocket, and lit it. The fire flaming before his eyes gave the strange sensation of death, almost death. The smell, yes he could smell the fire, was intoxicating. The colors, well they were blank. Elzar was colorblind, like most of his people. Fire was less terrifying in black, white and shades of grey. The fire wisped away as Elzar’s lighter began to heat up, he yanked his thumb away in pain. He liked the sensation of burning, he knew he was alive even though there was no heart beating inside the old chamber of a chest. He’s heavily armed, this has a strange affect on the people of London. Most are disquieted by it, scurry away from him. Some step a few feet away from him leaving him with nobody by his side for about five feet. He carries a bow, an ordinary bow. The arrows are poison tipped, the bow and arrows are nameless. Immortals never name weapons, their tools not pets at least, Elzar thinks. He carries duel samurai swords, both a long and sharp. They are the lost swords of the Kan Zeoh dynasty. They are plain, but for one spell that enchants them to be forever sharp no matter what the circumstances. He carries a plain dagger with a ivory handle, it’s easy on the eyes but he keeps it as sharp as he can. Finally, he carries a staff. Although, he doesn’t always carry it. When he wishes, the staff can turn into thin air. It’s heavy, and made of red bark from a Luminous tree and incrusted with ivory. Carved into the staff is the had of a dragon with gleaming red eyes. This is his most powerful weapon. The power of this weapon is unexplainable. It’s rather demented. All of these weapons are carried on his tall frame, attached to dark padding of leather armor. ‘Hey Mister.’ Said the stranger, a young boy. He wasn’t even twelve yet. Elzar could tell right away. A blackened hat sat on the boys head. Pants and a shirt draped over a fragile frame and a dirty, childish face. ‘What?’ He despised children. ‘Can you spare some change?’ A clinking of change on the ground was the response before Elzar disappeared into the dark back alleys of London. ‘Thank you sir!’ The boy said before scurrying off. Thanks for reading! This is about 1/12 of the first chapter right now, I've got about 2k more.

Re: Three paragraph critique

kaylainwonderland — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:18:04 -0800

Critique: I love the detail of your writing, but at the same time it's too much at once. I don't want you to tell me all about Elzar and his personality, I want you to show it to me by his actions. It's much more interesting that way. Like I said I love all the detail and description of it, but I prefer novels that start out with some sort of action or dialogue. Anyways if I were reading this in a bookstore I would turn the page, then if there was some sort of action to hook me in I would probably buy it, if it was just more descriptions I would set it back down. Grade: B

Re: Three paragraph critique

kaylainwonderland — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:20:58 -0800

“I want to break up with you, I’ll always love you though,” As that got no response he decided another tactic whining, “It’s not you, it’s me. Well, maybe not so much me, as . . . um . . . you,” He finished that in a pathetic whisper. Katherine sat across from the bastard at the café table covered in pink construction paper hearts. Happy, romantic music filled the air and she nibbled at her red velvet cupcake without enthusiasm. She stared across from her at the slimeball she thought had actually cared about her. Meanwhile he went on with his explanation of why they had to break up today, on February, 13th, “You see I really like you Katherine. It’s true, but I just need some space and don’t want a commitment now. Plus I want to explore all the possibilities.” “You mean you want a chance to get in Rachel’s pants? Seriously, a day before Valentine’s day you decided you needed space? Please,” Katherine scuffed at him. He gave her wide innocent, insincere eyes and said, “I respect you too much to cheat on you.” Katherine glared and said in a venomous voice, “Are you joking? Are you saying that unless you break up with me you’re gonna cheat?” He looked hurt and said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying! I just want to see how I feel about her and then if it doesn’t work out we can always get back together!” She looked at her cupcake thoughtfully and then smashed it into his wormy face. Katherine then got up and cheerfully said, “I don’t think so.” As she walked out someone started clapping. I know, this is more than three paragraphs, but it's mostly dialogue. Anyways this is about the first page of my story.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fuzz — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:15:57 -0800

Thank you. This was helpful -- and you're right, Lefty definitely needs some work.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Rushshock — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:12:17 -0800

Thank you! I will definitely re-read it, and later in the chapter there's lots of dialogue seeing as he's going to go pick up his new -adopted- daughter, and she's kind of a rebellious one so she'll be testing his wits. xD

Re: Three paragraph critique

Rushshock — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:17:55 -0800

Critique; I am not much on romance. However, I won't judge so I'll just go by your actually writing, not the idea of the book. I love the words you use, the irony of the 'romantic music that filled the air, and red velvet cupcake' make this rather interesting, and I couldn't help but smile. The boy, seems to be very typical. I think that's what your going for. You've got that down at least. However the girl, I don't seem much personality here. Maybe it's because she's getting dumped, and there isn't much to say about how you feel when getting dumped. x3 I wouldn't buy it, I'm not going to lie there. I don't like Romances, but if I did I would. I like to watch romance movies, as long as it's a cute one like 'Eat Pray Love' but I don't usually read them. They seem to all mash together and all of them are the same to me. But, if I were you I'd keep going because you write nicely. The first page pulls the reader in because your wondering "Is she going to cry, or punch him?" Grade: Low B.

Re: Three paragraph critique

skinnyjeansandicecream — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:11:23 -0800

Critique: I do like it overall. If this is the beginning, it’s a fairly good hook. Granted, it could be another teenage romance, but that’s where the rest of the story would be useful, to see what twists you put into it =) I do like the scene you paint with your description. I think it’s almost a bit too much, but I think it kind of fits the scene, since Valentine’s Day is kind of an over the top thing. I also like the irony of the situation. And how frank and honest the Katherine is. I think you do well painting a just broken up with girl. Grammar: Nothing glaring. I think everything is simple, which is good for the type of story this seems to be. Actually, there’s nothing that I can really find. Grade: B, but I think it might be higher if I knew the rest of the story, if that makes sense? Good things: Touched on in critique Buy, put down, or turn the page?: I’d say turn the page, or at least read the back cover to see what’s different about this =) (I hope I'm replying in the right place)

Re: Three paragraph critique

skinnyjeansandicecream — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:15:06 -0800

(So Mr. FIRSTNAME LASTNAME doesn't have a name yet. And neither does MOM. So....I suppose just substitute in the name you'd like =) ) He wandered in to find her, and walked up so he was standing at her side. “Can we go get sushi tonight? I want to try crab rolls and eel rolls. FIRSTNAME likes them best and I want to know if I do too, so we can talk about them together. He told me to call him FIRSTNAME, by the way, it’s not because I’m not being respectful. He says he is always being called Mr. LASTNAME too much at work, and does not want me to too. And he says that we are friends, so we don’t have to be so formal.” MOM switched her internet browser as she nodded, clicking through her tabs until the big red square popped up on the top of a page, the yellow “Wells Fargo” standing out on top of it. It had timed her out, so she quickly entered in her password, fingers flying over the keyboard from many days of being a secretary when she was younger. After the page loaded and she was able to check her balance, she quickly sighed, then paused for a moment. She hesitantly nodded, “Sure. But the rest of the week we absolutely can not have anything too fancy, okay?” Riley quickly nodded in agreement, so MOM added, “How about we go in about an hour and a half, at five thirty, okay? That way Mommy has the chance to finish up a few things around the house, alright Ry Ry?” Again, he nodded his agreement, and then went off to his room to start his homework. She wandered into her room and shut the door behind her, making sure to turn the little lock on it, just so Riley had no way of coming in. There were some things better left unheard when it came to him, so MOM was always just a little bit cautious about it. She reached into the pocket of her jeans, squeezing her just the tiniest bit around the waist, indicating that she had gained some weight since they were originally purchased. After a long breath was drawn in, she pulled out her cell phone from her pocket, one of the most basic models her phone company made. As she unlocked the screen she let out the breath, making it take as long as possible, making it quite apparent that she was dreading the call ahead. Eyes closed, her fingers move around the familiar keypad and held down the six key, until she could hear it start ringing, then finally put it up to her ear.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Celticsmc12 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 10:39:24 -0800

I liked it! This is not my NaNo novel, but the sequel. Thoughts appreciated. Prologue Danny felt exhausted. he leaned against the counter, holding in one hand a glass of water, and in the other, twenty or so pills jumbled in his palm. “ Cheers to more pills.” He mumbled dully before popping the pills in his mouth and chugging water. It was one in the morning, and he was still awake. Sam was asleep on their bed, unaware that her husband was still up. God, he wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. As soon as his eyes were closed, he found himself back on a concrete floor, gasping in pain as his own blood from his stomach and leg pooled around him. Sure, he had been unconscious for most of their imprisonment, but there had been that time when he woke up, and both Sammy and DiNozzo were gone. He had heard DiNozzo's screams from rooms away, and struggled to get up and help him. But his vision was hazy with fever, and his stomach seemed to be filled with fire. Then, the door next to him had slammed open, and two men had come in. They had dragged him out of the room, not caring when he started to leave a trail of dark blood, and started to scream from pain . They had deposited him in front of Stanigo. He had looked to his left to see an unconscious DiNozzo, and huge bruise forming at the back of his skull, and blood dripping from his bust lip. He had been stabbed repeatedly in the stomach. He barely felt over the pain from the bullets. They had beat to a pulp, then dragged him back to the storage room. Sam didn't know about this, and it was going to stay that way. She didn't need to know what had actually happened when she was gone. The screams of his baby girl snapped him back to consciousness. He ran up the stairs two at a time, and carefully opened the door to the nursery. Riley was awake and fussing in her crib. Danny smiled and picked up his daughter, rubbing the small of her tiny back. She had no idea what had happened to her parents,no idea that her parents were being hunted, no idea that she was constantly in danger. Finally, Riley's green eyes that she had inherited from her mother closed, and she fell asleep on her father's shoulder. Danny stroked the black down on his daughter's tiny head, and sat down in the rocking chair by the window. He had no idea why, but tears started streaming down his face. He swiped at them with his sweatshirt sleeve, and held his daughter closer to his chest. She was breathing rhythmically, and her tiny fists were clenched around his finger. He bit back a sob as a picture of his daughter, lying motionlessly on a concrete floor, her tiny body curled up as blood dripped from a white one-zie, forced itself into his mind. Stanigo would not touch Riley, that much he would not let happen. “ Danny?” Sam appeared in the doorway, looking worried as Danny hurriedly tried to hide his streaming face from her. She didn't know how beautiful she looked with her dirty-blonde hair pulled into a messy bun and with her wearing a over-large FBI t-shirt and sweat-pants. She looked exhausted, with dark circles ringed under her green eyes. She didn't need to seem him like this. “ Hey Sam.” He whispered slowly. “ What's up?” She asked. He didn't answer, only clutched their daughter to his chest. “ Nothing.” He got up, and made to put Riley back in her crib. Sammy got in front of it. “ Tell me, Gibbs.” Danny shook his head. Sammy sighed. “ Gibbs, why do exclude me from these things? You're my husband. She's our daughter. Please.” Danny sighed, and slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, cradling his daughter in his lap and leaning against her crib. Sammy slid down next to him. “ Look at her.” Danny whispered. He brushed Riley's cheek with his finger. “ She's so beautiful.” Sammy nodded, and put her arm around her husband trembling shoulders, feeling confused. Usually, Danny was the one comforting her, being the strong one, the pillar of stone in her existence that she knew would always be there to help her, never wavering. But lately, Danny seemed to be crumbling. She didn't really know why, and he wouldn't tell her. Sammy planted a kiss on her husband's forehead. “ Tell me, Gibbs.” She said quietly. Danny took a deep breathe as tears started rolling down his cheek again. “ Stanigo escaped, Sam.”

Re: Three paragraph critique

inthemargins — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 18:39:19 -0800

Critique: It wasn't too bad. The first sentence, though, could be changed-- I think "Danny was exhausted" is more powerful than "Danny felt exhausted." It also feels like Danny's emotions are changing too fast after his flashback-- first he's running up the stairs (which is a little too much energy to exert when one is "exhausted"), then he's smiling at a fussy baby, then he's crying. When you say that he doesn't know why, it feels like there really isn't a reason. What I did like was the imagery in the memory. It's a lot to put into the first few paragraphs and I felt like you pulled it off. This sentence was especially good: "But his vision was hazy with fever, and his stomach seemed to be filled with fire." The last paragraph or so was good as well. I like how she's confused as well as worried; it keeps the continuity going with how she doesn't know about this. On another note, the names remind me of NCIS. Grammer: I think the way you're using quotations is wrong. It's kind of confusing. There shouldn't be a space after the first one, and commas should be used instead of periods. So, it's like this: “Look at her,” Danny whispered. Grade: 3.5/5 Buy, put down, or tun the page?: I'd honestly put it down because NCIS hits me in the face like a brick.

Re: Three paragraph critique

inthemargins — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 18:54:33 -0800

Can I do more than three because I've got short paragraphs? ~ Nevaun paused. The nurse had arrived; she held in her hands a syringe full of morphine. Silence passed over the room as the nurse administered it into the I.V. Relief didn’t come quite as fast as it had when they had first shot her full of it. Maybe she was just less desperate for it. A warm feeling passed over her, and she closed her eyes and let it numb her. (This was not desperation. This was letting it happen. This was indifference.) The nurse left the room and, still, her eyes were closed. Corentin waited patiently for her (polite to the end; she hated him already). When she opened her eyes, he wasn’t smiling. "What?” she demanded. “What is it?” He straightened up a bit. (If he said “nothing,” he was beyond liking. She would never warm up to him and never accept him in her land. Her islanders would hunt him down and put his head on a stick and pray to Mother Earth and Father Sea around the remains of his body.)(No. She wouldn’t let them do that. No. Nevaun would never physically hurt anybody ever again. Ever.) “Are you feeling any better?” he asked her. She tilted her head. Corentin could take the response however wanted, whether he thought it meant “no” or thought it meant “yes,” or whether he interpreted it correctly and realized it meant, “**** you.” (She liked those words. They were the only English words that really dripped off her tongue like they were meant to.)

Re: Three paragraph critique

bookmonster — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 09:54:17 -0800

Critique: (how was it, what could be changed) I liked it. I feel pulled into the story already and I want to know why she's getting morphine, that being quiet a potent drug. I was confused at first by the last paragraph and had to read it again to understand. "She tilted her head." could maybe be changed to something like, "looking at him, she tilted her head to the side." Grammer: (I know, it's my evil nemesis as well) I was wondering about the parts in parenthesis (...) are they part of the story or are you including them for the critique's sake. If they're part of the story then I suggest not putting those lines in parenthesis, they'll work fine without them, especially in paragraphs 2 and 4. Grade: (either 1-5 or letter grades) 4 or B Good things: (please include this) Like I said above, it pulled me in and it seems like if I'd been reading the book up to this point I might be feeling either dread that she was taking such a powerful drug or relief that she was getting better from whatever injury she seems to have, or tense with the Corentin's worries. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: (if this were in a bookshop which would you do?) Turn the page, definitely. It sounds like it might be in the fantasy genre and I personally don't like that as much as other genre's but I'd probably borrow it from a library.

Re: Three paragraph critique

bookmonster — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 09:59:52 -0800

Letter to Doctor Christopher Jarrett June 5th 2011 5:32 am. I’m glad to inform you that we’ve managed to secure enough subjects for the Fourteenth rendering of the experiment. We’ve moved the pick-up area to central and western Canada, an area, until now, unused. As you know the Fifteenth, and hopefully final, Edition will have subjects from all of the former pick-up areas as we’ve found subjects worthy of the gift in all of them. All information pertaining the subjects of the Fifteenth will be faxed to you a.s.a.p. We sincerely hope you approve of all of them as we’ve already begun to make progress with them. All of them seem to be intrigued by the proposal and seem likely to agree to the conditions. Within a few short weeks they may all be ready to advance; by then I trust that the subjects of Fourteen would have been finished with their part. On the note of Fourteen, we have successfully managed to find the correct number of subjects as I mentioned above, all with the correct requirements. We hope that they’ll serve the purpose well. There will be no delay with their delivery. Yours Truly: Dr. Penny Jarrett

Re: Three paragraph critique

bookmonster — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 10:00:08 -0800

Re: Three paragraph critique

bookmonster — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 10:00:30 -0800

sorry re-post

Re: Three paragraph critique

Alerane — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 07:02:40 -0800

I find it a bit interesting, but also a little flat. While it hints at a lot of things I want to know most I can draw pretty straight conclusions too. I think this letter could benefit from something that seems off or odd mentioned to catch the reader in their assumptions. Writing-wise I think you should stick with either Fourteenth/Fifteenth Edition or subjects of Fourteen but not both terms. It confused me a bit. If you need to refer to just the subjects you could say the previous edition's subjects or something. The letter format itself seems sound. I'm not the best at grammar so I may not be catching something because of that, but nothing too jarring to me. I'd give the passage a B- I don't think I'd turn the page if this was the first one, but if we already had some other elements in play I might. Hope this helps.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Alerane — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 07:10:25 -0800

[taken from somewhere in the midpoint of the story] My assistants make themselves scarce, and the scientists seem to finish their preparations and finally look my way. This seems risky. Monitoring is done in restraints, even for docile subjects, usually. Anyone would move around when tools are forced into your face. The scientists, however, look unconcerned. One woman walks towards the platform and I, and gingerly presses a button at its base. A clear glass ring like the tube I sleep in begins to rise around me and I see they aren’t actually going without precautions. It rises until it hits the ceiling, and that’s where it stops. A switch gets flipped and suddenly the floor of the platform I am standing atop spins and rocks slowly, but gaining speed. I stumble as the turning throws my clunky suited feet together and land with my face flattened against the glass. Before I can straighten my legs are pulled out from under me and in the opposite direction. I land on my rear unceremoniously, face smeared in spittle from crossing the splash where my mouth met glass. It keeps on rotating. I slam my arms outwards to push out on the glass on either side. My body continues to be dragged along with the platform, so they slip and slide and lose their hold. What is the point this?! Make the subject into a fool or vomit? Well if that was their goal sure enough my stomach was rocking with everything else, but I put it to myself to hang onto my measly paste breakfast by force of will. Catching a glance outside the glass, I see the usual monitors with their clipboards watching and taking notes with rapt interest. Why is my tumbling around like soiled laundry in the dryer such a point of study? Hoisting myself back to my feet, I attempt to run around to follow the rises of the platform’s sloping turns, but my suit’s feet really are too cumbersome. I last at it for another minute before face planting on the glass again.

Re: Three paragraph critique

megcro — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:59:17 -0700

Incredibly rough but here goes: She lay in a darkened room, curled on her side, like a dying bird. Shadows bruised her skin, so pale and fragile. Every breath was a hushed whisper and every move, feathers rustling. Eyes washed bright with unshed tears, she stared at a seemingly fixed point on the magnolia wall. If anyone were to see her, they would assume she was dead; her papery thighs slashed by black cotton skirts and thin legs tangled as if broken. She wanted to cry. She ould feel the sadness, deep within her, far beyond flesh and resonant right to the bone. So deeply was she immersed, yet tears would not fall. Every heartbeat, every sigh, every stretch was saturated with pure, unbridled misery until it merged with her very essence and it could nho longer be seperated, bled out and treated. Sickly, thin arms pushed her upright and copper hair cascaded over her face before falling across frail shoulders and running down her back. She glanced around the room, passively, before catching sight of a photo frame on the bedside cabinet. Cerulean eyes flashed before snatching the picture and locking it away in a cream, oak drawer. Stumbling like a fawn, she clambered out of bed and towards her wardrobe. Idly, she unzipped her funeral attire and it pooled around her feet, as though the mourning has melted right off her.

Re: Three paragraph critique

zibiwenga — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 19:24:17 -0700

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Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 21:13:52 -0700

It was empathy at first hearing. The moment that Father Michael Donovan heard the gurgled breathing of the dying man, he felt pity for him. Father Michael knew death. He had seen it many times in his sixty-five years, beginning at age eight with the death of his mother. The hospital called him several times a week to administer “Last Rites” to those Catholic faithful who requested it. He rounded the ICU and NICU to console those that were close to their ends no matter their spiritual beliefs, for “every man is equal in the eyes of God.” Father Michael knew death personally as well. Terminal cancer ate away at his lungs and bones even as he felt pity for the man in the room. The pity he felt did not emerge the inevitable death of the man. No, it came from the pain that the man must suffer before the end. All death would be bearable if it were painless, Father Michael thought. He hoped that he received pity when his time of pain came before his end. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:11:04 -0700

Never done a critique before, but I figure what the hey, may as well give it a try. I'm no professional writer; whatever I say is simply opinion and could be total bumpkus. Anywho... I liked the first sentence, simple, and yet already gives us a good feel for the Father's personality. His compassion, that is. I also enjoyed the rapid way you established some of his "religious" beliefs in the third paragraph. There's also a selflessness quality about him that is subtle enough to be believable, too. The only thing I'd suggest is in those last sentences: "He felt pity for [the man,] the inevitable death of [the man,] and the pain that [the man.] Though the sentence structure hides it, the use of this phrase in such close proximity is just a tad bit reptitive. I'd just say replace the wording with something else in one of the places, then you're golden.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:13:48 -0700

(This is taken right out of the middle of a chapter at some random point of the story. If certain phrases seem odd or confusing, it's probably just because they've been previously explained, it's not an error. That said, any critique is highly appreciated, as I'm concerned about the emotion conveyed.) I understand their anger. Their rage. I felt it in my chest when the overseer came barreling down the ladder, a body flung over his shoulder, its shape barely masked by a wrinkled tarp. This in itself was not a novel thing. Whenever one of us gets too old to be useful we are killed, it is simply a part of our lives, and we are told it is to help prevent the spread of our illness. But when the guard lost his grip, and the gruesome package fell to the floor with a wet, loud slap, the face was uncovered, and a collective gasp rose from those of us who turned to look. Leem, with his pile of curly brown hair and his wide blue eyes, lay staring blankly up into the darkness. His lips were parted in an expression of astonishment, and his neck was twisted, broken, a ring of dark purple bruising curled around his throat. I'd seen the old ones being transported before, to that decrepit watery grotto that lay deep within the mines, our eternal resting place. But Leem had only been three years my senior, he still had life in him. He'd been sentenced to feeding the shield some time ago, and I rarely saw him after that. When I did he always seemed distant somehow, detached, occasionally muttering things beneath his breath that made no sense. They say that's what the job does; that it messes with your head until there's nothing much left and you can barely even talk anymore. The gasp devolved into a wail as Leem's mother ran out of the crowd, dropping to her knees by the corpse of her eldest son. She picked him up and cradled him as though he were a child, rocking him back and forth as she knelt in the mud, immune to the cold of the murky water. Her cries filled the mine, and judging by the disgruntled look of the overseer, even he could hear them, at least on some level. My heart nearly split in two as her emotion tripped the invisible wire between us, and tears stung hot beneath my eyes. I watched as she gently held the back of his head, her entire body convulsing as she abandoned herself to her grief.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:20:58 -0700

Oh, should probably read the instructions. I'll exclude what I've basically already said below and add: Grade: A Grammar: I see no real issues with it, you're good. Just repitition, and that's a stylistic preference. Buy/put down/turn the page: Definately at least turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:35:02 -0700

Not a professional writer/critiquer (not a word...) but I'll give it a go. Critique: "It had timed her out, so she quickly entered in her password, fingers flying over the keyboard from many days of being a secretary when she was younger." I feel like this needs to be reworded, namely that last part. Perhaps to something like, "fingers flying over the keyboard, nimble from many days of being a secretary with she was younger." Essentially it's just a small change, (a word, yay!) but it just makes the sentence flows more. I personally would also try to break up that dialogue just a bit, add some expression mixed in with the exchange. I get the idea that you're trying to illustrate a financially struggling familiy (I'm assuming a single parent and her child,) but it could be conveyed with a bit more feeling if you mix the dialogue with more expression. Grammar: I saw no serious issues that stuck out to me. Grade: B+/A- Buy/put down/turn the page: I'd probably just put it down, but that has nothing to do with the writing as much as personal preference, the context of the story just doesn't grab my attention.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:48:42 -0700

Critique: “One woman walks towards the platform and I, and gingerly presses a button at its base.” Sounds just a tad bit awkward. Perhaps reword it to something along the lines of, “One woman walks towards the platform I stand on, and gingerly presses a button at its base.” I realize this jives a bit too much with the last sentence in this first paragraph, but a little rewording needs to be done to get rid of that strange sentence juncture. “What is the point this?! Make the subject into a fool or vomit? Well if that was their goal sure enough my stomach was rocking with everything else, but I put it to myself to hang onto my measly paste breakfast by force of will.” Prose seems a bit odd there, maybe italicize, actually get in the person's head? I realize it is in fact first person, but the wording is, it seems more internalized. Rather than “I wondered what the point of this was,” etc. If that makes sense. “I last at it for another minute before face planting on the glass again.” Again, the wording seems a tad awkward. Maybe it's just the phrase “I last at it.” Maybe switch that out for something more like “I remain upright,” or “I manage the shaky ground,” just get rid of that phrase. Grammar: I saw nothing else that stuck out at me. Grade: B Put down/buy/turn the page: I'd probably turn the page, it was intriguing, and I'm curious as to who the people are, and what their goal is with the sadistic little teacup ride they've got going on.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:56:08 -0700

Critique: “her papery thighs slashed by black cotton skirts and thin legs tangled as if broken.” I'm assuming you mean to make a reference to the fragility of her sin, or maybe she's emaciated, I wasn't sure. Just add “Fragile” or “thin” to make it a little more clear, maybe. “She [could] feel the sadness...” I think you meant “Resonate,” not “resonant.” I'd switch up the wording on that sentence as well to make it flow, describe how the emotion is radiating through her better. Also, “it could [no] longer...” and “be [separated,]...” Beyond that I liked the description, overall very emotional in its conveyance. Clearly the woman is coping with some tragedy, a death, and is in that mental limbo that comes after such an event. That part of the piece is quite effective. Grade: B Put down/buy/turn the page: I'd probably turn the page, there's enough to make me wonder what's going on with this character and what she's struggling with.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 11:17:06 -0700

Critique: Good foundations but needs polishing. Some of it sounds quite unnatural and forced. And sometimes it seems like you wanted to get a certain phrase in and compromised the quality of the whole sentence just to do so. Grammer: Excellent. Grade: C+/B- Good things: What you're writing about seems very interesting. Very good use of imagery, I particularly like the "wet, loud slap" and "the gasp devovled into a wail". It really paints a picture in the mind and you can do it quite skillfully. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 11:22:46 -0700

(This is taken from the middle of a chapter, so if you need something explaining, let me know. It's quite long too XD) It wasn’t that much bigger than her, herself being fairly tall, but it was far fiercer. Her claws had been worn smooth with years of cleaning; her scales soft and penetrable with years of staying out of the weather and a good moisturizing routine - the thing in front of her had thick, rugged fur the colour of milk and its long claws looked sharp as swords at the ends of its great paws. It stood on two legs and had on a tan trench coat, but its jowls were up in a snarl and she had no doubt there wasn’t a civilised thing about it. In the back of her mind she reckoned it to look like a Felinoid – but no. Felinoids were short and squat and didn’t have psychosis in their eyes and foam in their mouths. She was about to accept that there was nothing she could do and that she had run straight into her own death when she saw something - something small, barely there, in the back of its eyes and in the tone of its menacing growl. It was there for hardly a second but she saw it and it was doubt: the tiniest trace, but Sairey knew what to do with it. She puffed up her chest, stood tall, snapped out her claws, bared her teeth, stood the spines on her back on end. She narrowed her eyes, clenched her fists and for all she was worth, she roared. She went forward and like a storm on the sea she was pelting towards it, looking like not even for a deity would she stop. It took a step back, its long tail dipped a few inches and she knew then, that she could get rid of it if she only made it believe she could kill it. No matter how terrifying the thing looked, and how easily it could have ripped her to shreds, it didn’t appear to have a clue what it was doing, like it was just a baby. She inhaled deeply and sprinted, shrieking and bellowing with more volume and power than she had ever had to muster in her life. She attacked the walls and the ground with her claws, making such biting screech that it hurt her ears, she kicked out and hammered at the door and howled. She wouldn’t have believed that she was capable of such a terrifying display. The Creature looked for the splittest of seconds like it might charge forward and meet the aggression. But then, with the suddenness like the snapping of a cord, its will disappeared and, ears flat against its head, it turned and it ran.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 15:40:56 -0700

Hm, yes, as I re read the text I see what you mean. Namely some of the sentences could easily be cut into two to make the flow smoother. I should learn to read things aloud after I write them. I'll polish it a bit, would you mind if I pm'ed it after to see if the changes mesh with what you refer to? Thank you as always for the critique.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:01:51 -0700

Critique: “It wasn’t that much bigger than her, herself being fairly tall, but it was far fiercer.” [Not too sure how I feel about this sentence. Mostly I just don't like the “herself.” I'm not sure why, it just doesn't flow I guess. Maybe something like “It wasn't that much bigger than her, and frankly she was fairly tall, but it was far fiercer.”] “...in their eyes and foam in their mouths.” [I'd switch the and with an or.] “It was there for hardly a second but she saw it and it was doubt: the tiniest trace, but Sairey knew what to do with it.” [You build this up, but the way you present the “thing” in the eyes sort of flops to me. I would end it a bit more gradually. “...but she saw it, and that thing was doubt.” Just something to break up that “it and it” juncture, essentially.] “She went forward and like a storm on the sea she was pelting towards it, looking like not even for a deity would she stop.” [The dual metaphor here could be altered just a tad bit, perhaps, split into two more detailed sentences. “Looking like not even for a deity would she stop” just seems rather random to me, though depending on the the text that may pertain to the story, but I would still work on the wording.] “...then, that she could get rid of it if she only made it believe she could kill it.” [Eliminate the comma after then. Read it aloud, it seems to flow better without that unnecessary pause.] “...with her claws, making such biting screech that it hurt her ears...” [“making such biting screech(es)] “... The Creature looked for the splittest of seconds...” [I don't like the 'splittest,' though mostly because I don't think that's a word. “The creature looked for a split second” would work just as well I'd wager.] “...with the suddenness like the snapping of a cord...” [I'd switch out “the” with “a.”] Grammar: Already done in the critique. It seems to be developing into a habit really. Grade: lower B. The wording was somewhat halting to me at parts, and I think some of the sentences could have been split to make the piece smoother overall. Good stuff: I got a VERY clear picture of that creature you were describing, even though the technical name was not anything I'd ever heard of before (because presumably it is an original mythological creature.) I'm certainly interested in what is going on during this scene, and I like the way you almost humanized that “baby” monster by making it have an expression before it tucked tail and fled. Buy/put down/turn the page: I'd turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 11:23:06 -0700

Yes, pm me any time if you want more critique. I'm happy to help and your story looks interesting :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:59:11 -0700

[Essentially what I'm trying to deduce is whether or not I'm conveying enough information without saturating the text-regarding the society's religion. Any feedback is appreciated, about the text overall, of course.] Larken gave an appreciative nod and a wane smile in response to the efforts the preacher spoke of. In truth, he had never put much stock in the beliefs of his own Region. Or in any of the gods, for that matter. A pantheon of mainly fictitious beings that left a decidedly bitter taste in his mouth, the deity of choice changed from place to place. In Drend it just so happened to be an arachnid with more than its fair share of arms and eyes. In Smen it was a horse with fire set to its hooves and pale white eyes. In Plinar it was nothing more than a twisted tree, often decorated with fragrant blossoms to give it some likeness to a living thing. They seemed empty things to Larken, hollow figurines that people could swarm to when the weather was being precocious and they needed explanation or reprieve. “Sad, it is,” Irim said, resuming is ranting as he continued his tour. “You know sometimes I wonder if they can actually hear a word of what I am saying. Truly stupid creatures. Deaf and dumb to vital words.” He shook his head to and fro and then bowed it with false sincerity. “I do hope that some of my message manages to break through to them, in one way or other. Of course, whether or not they are in possession of a soul at all is debatable I suppose...but none can say we did not at least give them some chance at least, hm?” Bastards like you consume souls. Clearly you've even gotten fat on them. Startled by the thought, Larken shook himself. He looked down to the journal in his hands and realized that his grip on the thing had already put a dent in the cover. He exhaled slowly and forced his unexpected tension out of his muscles, raising his eyes to look at Irim with an attempt at a gratifying smile. Bedecked in colorful robes that were embroidered with the sacred tree, the preacher was standing with his arms spread wide and a serene smile on his lips. A full stomach left a round bulge in the fabric, and his ears were in danger of sinking into the excess folds of skin growing from the sides of his head. Larken could not help but think that a small poke with a sharp needle would be the end of him. Inflated both with an unfounded ego and far too many fattening meals, it was a wonder to him that he did not feel guilt for his obesity when he spent most of his days surrounded by a people dying of starvation.

Re: Three paragraph critique

AnotherQuill — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 10:54:16 -0700

Critique: It's well written, and I think you're getting enough information about the religion through without bogging things down. The second paragraph confused me a little bit though, and didn't make sense until I read the third paragraph and thought about things for a minute. I wasn't sure if Irim was still talking after he mentioned something being sad, or if Larken had started talking (I realize you didn't start a new paragraph so I should have known it was still Irim, but sometimes this site does funny things to formatting, so I wasn't sure). It seemed kind of like Larken was ranting about the Gods to Irim, since he mentioned not really liking or believing in them in the first paragraph (like he was wondering if they even heard him at all, and he thought they were stupid) but there were some things he said that didn't seem to make sense either. It wasn't until I realized that Irim was the preacher that I understood he was still talking, and talking about the members of his congregation. It would probably make more sense if there was another part of Irim's rant before the first paragraph (which there might be, I'm not sure) or it was otherwise made clear that Irim was the preacher before the third paragraph. I like: I like the whole thing really, and your description of Irim in the third paragraph is especially well done. Grammar: I don't see any grammar issues here. Maybe a typo or two (I think you meant 'his' rather than 'is' in the first sentence of the second paragraph). Grade: 89 B+. Good things: Your grammar is perfect, the sentence structure is good, your descriptions are very vivid but not drawn-out or boring (you described things that need to be known, rather than every little thing), and the idea seems interesting. Buy, put down, or turn the page: I'd definitely turn the page. I might buy it if I'd already read the inside cover/back or some reviews and thought it was something that I would like.

Re: Three paragraph critique

AnotherQuill — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:03:24 -0700

I hope this is an okay length. I wasn't really sure about the paragraph thing since my beginning has so much dialogue! -------------------------- The small crowd gathered around Lott. The sun was low in the sky, casting a bright haze over everything, and he squinted to see how many people were watching. It was never enough. “You may choose the first object,” he said, pointing to a freckled-faced girl near the front. “I will turn away.” He did as he said, turning his back to the crowd. A few murmurs came from the group as the child gestured to one of the items on his table. “Okay, I picked,” the girl said. Lott turned back around. “I need you to think about that object as hard as you can,” he told the girl. “Can you do that?” She nodded dramatically and gritted her teeth. Lott couldn’t help but smile. He put on his best concentration face and looked out at Hyan in the audience. The other boy scratched his cheek, letting Lott know which object the girl had indicated. “Ah-ha!” Lott said, reaching out as if to pick up the sparkly geode on the table in front of him. Then he put his hand back down. “No…maybe not.” “Don’t you know?” the girl asked, breaking into a grin. “Keep thinking,” Lott told her. He crossed his arms and stared her in the eyes until she looked away. Then he picked up a raggedy old hat. “Is this the item?” “Yes!” the little girl said, her eyes wide. “How did you do that? You even knew I almost picked the pretty rock first. I kept accidentally thinking about it instead of the hat when you told me to think!” “I know. You really should work on your concentration, Ella,” he replied. “How do you know my name?” she asked. Her smile was gone, replaced with a look of almost-horror. “Mind reader, remember?” he replied, gesturing to his head. In actuality, he had overheard her mother telling her to be quiet while he set up for his act.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:41:49 -0700

[quote=AnotherQuill] I hope this is an okay length. I wasn't really sure about the paragraph thing since my beginning has so much dialogue! -------------------------- The small crowd gathered around Lott. The sun was low in the sky, casting a bright haze over everything, and he squinted to see how many people were watching. It was never enough. --- The parts in bold are pretty vague. What is everything? A market place? A meadow? A ?? How many are not enough? 5? 10? 20? 100? 1000??? I'd like to know more about the context where Lott is “You may choose the first object,” he said, pointing to a freckled-faced girl near the front. “I will turn away.” He did as he said, turning his back to the crowd. A few murmurs came from the group as the child gestured to one of the items on his table. “Okay, I picked,” the girl said. Lott turned back around. “I need you to think about that object as hard as you can,” he told the girl. “Can you do that?” She nodded dramatically and gritted her teeth. Lott couldn’t help but smile. He put on his best concentration face and looked out at Hyan in the audience. The other boy scratched his cheek, letting Lott know which object the girl had indicated. If the girl isn't involved in the scam, I'd suggest changing the word in bold (dramatically) to something else. I love that she gritts her teeth though =) “Ah-ha!” Lott said, reaching out as if to pick up the sparkly geode on the table in front of him. Then he put his hand back down. “No…maybe not.” “Don’t you know?” the girl asked, breaking into a grin. “Keep thinking,” Lott told her. He crossed his arms and stared her in the eyes until she looked away. Then he picked up a raggedy old hat. “Is this the item?” “Yes!” the little girl said, her eyes wide. “How did you do that? You even knew I almost picked the pretty rock first. I kept accidentally thinking about it instead of the hat when you told me to think!” “I know. You really should work on your concentration, Ella,” he replied. “How do you know my name?” she asked. Her smile was gone, replaced with a look ~~of almost-horror.~~Sure you can describe it better! Don't tell me she looks almost horrified, show me she does! “Mind reader, remember?” he replied, gesturing to his head. ~~In actuality, he had overheard her mother telling her to be quiet while he set up for his act.~~ I'd suggest changing gesturing to "knocking" ex. "knocking on his skull". And you could probably explain later how he had known the girl's name. e.g. in dialogue with the boy Hyan. [/quote] Critique I really liked this. I think it's interesting that Lott and Hyan are tricking the crowd, and I want to know more about them. Your dialogue rings true. There are a few things that are vague/could be worded differenttly as I have pointed out above. Keep up the good work!

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 11:54:24 -0700

A man’s husky voice called from the shop, “Hello? Is there anyone here?” His accent was impossible to place; perhaps a bit of Scottish. “Just a minute,” I called back and let out a lengthy exhale that puffed my cheeks and calmed my nerves. Discarding my vinyl gloves, I leaned back in the chair and peer through the open door. A lithe man was standing with his back towards me, looking at the alarm clocks in one of the glass displays. He was wearing dark jeans and a black coat; had ruffled black hair, and carried an umbrella that looked as if it had been dipped in oil. Hi there, dark stranger, I mused, tucked some loose strands of hair behind my ear, and left the workbench. The costumer heard me coming. He straightened his back, and turned away from the display. When I saw his face, I stopped short. A feeling of ice spread through my vessels, filling me with cold fear. The man in front of me wasn’t a stranger. . . But who was he?

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 14:02:09 -0700

[Thank you very much for your critique. The conversation is taking place after the characters have been better established, so it should be *hopefully* clearer who is speaking when one reads the passage in its entirety. I'll post the passage again; I fixed the "is" "his," and the repeated "at least" which I should have caught before submitting. Thank you again.] Larken gave an appreciative nod and a wane smile in response to the efforts the preacher spoke of. In truth, he had never put much stock in the beliefs of his own Region. Or in any of the gods, for that matter. A pantheon of mainly fictitious beings that left a decidedly bitter taste in his mouth, the deity of choice changed from place to place. In Drend it just so happened to be an arachnid with more than its fair share of arms and eyes. In Smen it was a horse with fire set to its hooves and pale white eyes. In Plinar it was nothing more than a twisted tree, often decorated with fragrant blossoms to give it some likeness to a living thing. They seemed empty things to Larken, hollow figurines that people could swarm to when the weather was being precocious and they needed explanation or reprieve. “Sad, it is,” Irim said, resuming his ranting as he continued his tour. “You know sometimes I wonder if they can actually hear a word of what I am saying. Truly stupid creatures. Deaf and dumb to vital words.” He shook his head to and fro and then bowed it with false sincerity. “I do hope that some of my message manages to break through to them, in one way or other. Of course, whether or not they are in possession of a soul at all is debatable I suppose...but none can say we did not give them some chance at least, hm?” Bastards like you consume souls. Clearly you've even gotten fat on them. Startled by the thought, Larken shook himself. He looked down to the journal in his hands and realized that his grip on the thing had already put a dent in the cover. He exhaled slowly and forced his unexpected tension out of his muscles, raising his eyes to look at Irim with an attempt at a gratifying smile. Bedecked in colorful robes that were embroidered with the sacred tree, the preacher was standing with his arms spread wide and a serene smile on his lips. A full stomach left a round bulge in the fabric, and his ears were in danger of sinking into the excess folds of skin growing from the sides of his head. Larken could not help but think that a small poke with a sharp needle would be the end of him. Inflated both with an unfounded ego and far too many fattening meals, it was a wonder to him that he did not feel guilt for his obesity when he spent most of his days surrounded by a people dying of starvation.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 14:08:02 -0700

Critique: "He was wearing dark jeans and a black coat; had ruffled black hair, and carried an umbrella that looked as if it had been dipped in oil." [The semi-colon in this sentence can be replaced with a coma, typically you only use that to join two sentences together. The "had ruffled black hair..." is not it's own sentence, so a semi colon does not apply.] I would personally flush that last paragraph out. I'm sensing this is a vital character. He's turning around, through the eyes of your character let us get a good look at him, perhaps something like: "When I saw his face, I stopped short. His sharp blue eyes froze me in my place, holding in them a cool reproach that I could not rightly understand. His lips were parted in the ghost of a smile, a mockery of a greeting, and his dark hair hung unkempt as though he had not bothered to take a moment to make his appearance agreable." Essentially, just tell us what he looks like. Elaborate. Grammar: Good Good stuff: I liked the rest of the description. I'd suggest adding little tics to your character, as you mentioned the hair brushing. Similar concept. Grade: B Put down/buy/turn the page: I'd likely turn the page

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:12:58 -0700

Thanks in advance for any critiques! :) This was his lifestyle. The hunter, camouflaged carefully against the greens and browns of the forest, kept his dirt-covered hands close to his intricately carved hunting knives at all times. He was sitting in between the roots of a tall tree, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Just because he was doing this doesn't mean that he was asleep. When his eyes are closed, his ears are more tuned in to the sounds surrounding him, which was what he wanted, being a hunter. Diligently he sat there, cross-legged beneath the crown of the tree, basking in the cool shade coming from the boughs. When a sudden snap of a distant twig reached his ears, three things happened all at once: The hunter's head snapped forward, his eyes opened, and his right hand flung upwards with a knife in tow. The hunter slowly and carefully got to his knees and elbows and crawled along the forest floor, searching with both his ears and eyes for the cause of the sound. There, at the edge of a shallow pond a deer stood, dipping its mouth daintily into the water. Its innocence didn't even cause the hunter to falter in the quick up and down motion of his hand, hurling the knife straight and true. Its blade buried itself in the deer's chest, pinning the animal to a nearby tree, and the creature's soft, brown eyes searched for the one who would harm it. When its eyes rested on the hunter, it blinked once, twice, and then fell down. The hunter went over to collect his knife and prepare a fire. He smiled a wicked smile with his previously stained teeth sticking out. His next meal was nearly ready.

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:14:08 -0700

Ah, crud! I keep on forgetting to put it in the proper format; I'm really sorry! This was his lifestyle. The hunter, camouflaged carefully against the greens and browns of the forest, kept his dirt-covered hands close to his intricately carved hunting knives at all times. He was sitting in between the roots of a tall tree, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Just because he was doing this doesn't mean that he was asleep. When his eyes are closed, his ears are more tuned in to the sounds surrounding him, which was what he wanted, being a hunter. Diligently he sat there, cross-legged beneath the crown of the tree, basking in the cool shade coming from the boughs. When a sudden snap of a distant twig reached his ears, three things happened all at once: The hunter's head snapped forward, his eyes opened, and his right hand flung upwards with a knife in tow. The hunter slowly and carefully got to his knees and elbows and crawled along the forest floor, searching with both his ears and eyes for the cause of the sound. There, at the edge of a shallow pond a deer stood, dipping its mouth daintily into the water. Its innocence didn't even cause the hunter to falter in the quick up and down motion of his hand, hurling the knife straight and true. Its blade buried itself in the deer's chest, pinning the animal to a nearby tree, and the creature's soft, brown eyes searched for the one who would harm it. When its eyes rested on the hunter, it blinked once, twice, and then fell down. The hunter went over to collect his knife and prepare a fire. He smiled a wicked smile with his previously stained teeth sticking out. His next meal was nearly ready.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:36:48 -0700

Hm, I enjoyed it. It reads smoothly, and that I liked. You might want to just put "freckle faced" girl though, "freckled faced" sounds a bit off-kilter.

Re: Three paragraph critique

EIias — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:45:34 -0700

professor of what

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 19:09:35 -0700

A couple issues with this is the tense. You seem to be flipping between first and third: "This was his lifestyle. The hunter, camouflaged..." vs "....he was doing this just doesn't mean that he was asleep." Another thing is, I've got to tell you honestly, the idea of "hitting a deer in the chest with a knife and pinning it to a tree" is a bit far fetched. Have you ever seen the chest of a mature dear? Things got muscle. That would have to either be a short-sword sized knife (which would be nearly impossible to hurl with such accuracy) or one skinny sucker. I'd advice you remove the "pinned against a tree" part, just to make the situation more feasible. Other than that, well done. I alread don't like the Bambi killer, and judging by the adjectives used I believe that's the vibe you're going for.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ElliMelody — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:11:04 -0700

At first, everything looked the same. The same forest, stretching endlessly ahead of me. The same fields, half-plowed from the day’s early harvests. The same chilly night air, despite it being Harvest. It was always cold at night. But this night, this wretched night, a new warmth swept into the breeze, bringing along the scents of burning wood, the sound of crackling flames lapping stones, and as I turned my head, the destruction was obvious. On the familiar hill before me, the village glowed with an unnatural orange, shining in the night sky like a torch. I was surprised to see stars, although I don’t know why. They domed over my head, like a circle. Circles aren't supposed to break; they're supposed to go around and around at a dizzying rate, and not spin out of control like this. I used to compare her life to a circle, but now I wasn't sure that it was the right term. The trees were a circle too, locking me tight within them as the flames engulfed my village. There had been a time when I could trust anyone, with the innocent assurance of a child’s naive mind. Now, I could barely trust myself. I stared into their glowing depths, my heart pumping as the smoke billowing down the hill stung at my eyes. I hadn’t known how far I would go, or could go, but this had to be it. How could I go farther then this; burning the village full of the people I thought I had loved? Most people would close their eyes and cower in fear, try to pretend this wasn't happening. Not me though; I simply watched it all go down, not even flinching once. Most bad guys turn out to be the quiet blacksmith, or the mean old farmer, or the rich guy you used to know, or that lady you thought was just some nice old person buying flour, or the rather obvious thief. But what if the bad guy, the horrible person who you have to fight? What if it's yourself?

Re: Three paragraph critique

AnotherQuill — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 05:58:26 -0700

Thank you very much--that is probably one of the best critiques I have ever received! I can definitely see how all of the changes you've suggested will make it stronger. Thanks again! :-)

Re: Three paragraph critique

AnotherQuill — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 06:00:15 -0700

Thank you! "Freckled" was a typo I hadn't noticed, so I’m glad you brought it to my attention. :-)

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 21:30:04 -0700

Critique: I liked your language quite a bit, it was very descriptive and I had no issue really envisioning what was going on. However, I think you're leaning towards the "vague" hook a tad too much. It seems the main protagonist has a lot of things to say, and those things are already interesting. You probably don't have to rely so much on later revelations to keep your reader guessing (though always keep secrets to yourself and expose them as they go, after all, that's half the fun.) Essentially, just flesh out this passage a bit more so that we as readers get a better grasp of what has happened, and why. Why is she burning the village? What did they do to deserve it? Was it intentional? Was it unintentional? Grammar: I saw no real issues with this. Put down/turn page/buy: Turn the page

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 04:34:15 -0700

(It's in the middle of a chapter so it won't make sense, but is the actual writing okay?) ‘Hm…’ Amelia scratched her head and Moffat cursed the fact that she was the only person in this Godforsaken place that le Vogel spoke to. ‘He mentioned the sewers a lot. Not to me, but sort of, to himself, you know? He talked to himself a lot and when he talked to himself he would talk about the sewers and then when he saw that I was in the room he’d look really shocked like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. Like talking to himself.’ She nodded in agreement with herself. ‘He might have gone there. Yep.’ Moffat walked off without any further comment, leaving Amelia to shrug and continue with her day. He went back from whence he came and sat in the dankest corner of his office for a while, thinking. ‘The sewers. Sewers, sewers, sewers,’ he toyed with the word, trying to get his brain to make the necessary connections. What was down there? He was sure he knew, only it was most likely buried under all the knowledge of electricity, anatomy, trigonometry, water displacement in a vacuum, vacuum displacement in water, graphical quadratic equations, the first forty-two digits of pi, his worries about his experiment, the fact his taxes were due next week and potty training. Among other things.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 04:59:45 -0700

[quote=ihazabeard] (It's in the middle of a chapter so it won't make sense, but is the actual writing okay?) ‘Hm…’ Amelia scratched her head and Moffat cursed the fact that she was the only person in this Godforsaken place that le Vogel spoke to. ‘He mentioned the sewers a lot. Not to me, but sort of, to himself, you know? He talked to himself a lot and when he talked to himself he would talk about the sewers and then when he saw that I was in the room he’d look really shocked like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. Like talking to himself.’ She nodded in agreement with herself. ‘He might have gone there. Yep.’ [/quote] Amelia has a very distinct voice. Great! bonus points to you. Comming in to this without any background info, I'm a bit confused as to the meaning of the "Moffat cursed the fact that she was the only person in this Godforsaken place that le Vogel spoke to." I'm guessing she referres to Amelia, and that le Vogel is the one who was talking about the Swewrs. Only then I don't understand why Moffat thins le Vogelspoke to Amelia, since she seems to be saying, he only spoke to himself... Anyway. [quote=ihazabeard] Moffat walked off without any further comment, leaving Amelia to shrug and continue with her day. He went back from whence he came and sat in the dankest corner of his office for a while, thinking. [/quote] Don't know what kind of story you're writing, but the choice of the word whence feels a bit forced, unless perhaps you're aiming for a bit old-ish language. [quote=ihazabeard] ‘The sewers. Sewers, sewers, sewers,’ he toyed with the word, trying to get his brain to make the necessary connections. What was down there? He was sure he knew, only it was most likely buried under all the knowledge of electricity, anatomy, trigonometry, water displacement in a vacuum, vacuum displacement in water, graphical quadratic equations, the first forty-two digits of pi, his worries about his experiment, the fact his taxes were due next week and potty training. Among other things. [/quote] First bit could perhaps be replaced with a "'The sewres.' He toyed with the word" without loosing much. But that's of course a questionof style and taste. Fun things to burry the Sewers under all that knowledge, but is there a chance you could cut them down to a few things less without loosing the essence -- that this Moffat knows a lot of varried things? In general I like it! it's comically narriated, and your characters are interesting.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:00:01 -0700

Okay, this is my first draft of a novel I've been working on. It's still in VERY rough shape, but I'll put it out there. I'm open to whatever criticism anyone wants to offer. I've never given my work to strangers before, so I'm strangely nervous. Anyway, just a quick setup: This is the middle of a chapter in the beginning-ish part of the book. Eugene is insane. He and his victim are in a dark room of an abandoned old store at night. It's winter. Here we go: After the rage subsided, Eugene put the knife down and closed his eyes. He wanted to capture this moment in his mind forever, as he had with all the others. The frozen look of horror on the boy’s face; the gentle fragrance of rusting iron and feces wafting through the air from the dozens of intestinal gashes; the stickiness of the blood on his hands as it began to dry in the freezing night air. It was all so beautiful…so perfect…so heavenly… The knife needed to be cleaned before he could put it away, so he wiped the length of it between his thumb and forefinger and held both under his nose for a few exhilarating sniffs before wiping them off on his coat. It was all he could do to stop himself from masturbating. He stood and faced the mirror across the room, flashlight in hand. A great wash of blood covered most of the front of his trench coat, appearing deep black in the center and a sexy crimson along the borders. He turned the coat inside out—that would get him home without raising any suspicion. He’d simply dispose of this one like usual and use another. Hell, he could probably make it home in broad daylight covered in blood and nobody in this god damn city would pay attention.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:01:11 -0700

D'oh! The formatting didn't carry over from my Word document. The paragraphs were originally indented. Sorry folks.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:30:49 -0700

Uh... Well it's certainly attention grabbing in that it's quite...gruesome. The writing is good, near as I can tell, I just think you're going to be targeting a very...specific audience. A personal opinion, I don't think you needed to include "all he could do to stop himself from masturbating." It was just frightening, but then it derailed at that point and went from frightening to downright disturbing. In a skin crawling sort of way that just isn't what a lot of people necessarily want from a book. Essentially, it was just wierd, and I don't think it really had anything to do with him murdering someone...unless this psycho is abusing the kid before he slaughters him. I dunno. Other than that, it looks good I suppose. I'ma go watch something with fluffy bunnies in it now.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:35:40 -0700

Lol, thank you. I know it's quite a bit, but that was kind of my goal from the beginning. You're supposed to hate and fear him, so the protagonist (someone with character flaws of his own) shines that much brighter. If Eugene makes your skin crawl, I did my job. Although you're probably right that this will only appeal to a very select audience. I need to strike a balance between keeping to my vision and thinking of my reader. I'll take what you said to heart. Thank you!

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:36:07 -0700

And I just realized I thanked you twice. Darn lack of an edit button!

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:42:49 -0700

The lack of an edit button is the bane of this website's existance.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ElliMelody — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 19:19:02 -0700

(This si from a short story I have had stuck in my head all day) I didn’t get lonely easily. I always had my memories to keep me company. I had all the faces I had ever seen. If I got bored, I could simply revisit the places I had been and see all the sights again. That’s the thing about being a camera; you get to see so much, and you get to go everywhere you could ever dream of. Life is a permanent vacation. Yet as I sat, untouched, on a cluttered desktop, surrounded by miscellaneous cords, pencils, papers and knickknacks, I couldn’t help but feel the slightest tang of depression. It wasn’t just that I felt alone, but I felt dirty, unable to wipe clean the thin layer of dust gathered across my carefully assembled edges. I can hardly describe the endless array of emotions I could feel as I sat there. One can feel so much sitting for so long. I suppose one might let themselves drift off into their dreams, but there is only so much you can dream of before you grow bored even with that. Besides, the anticipation that one day, someone might take you in their hands again, fix you, and use you again is simply enough to keep you up day and night. You watch them. They sit there, occasionally looking at you, but hardly daring to touch.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:39:44 -0700

Anthropomorphizing everyday items has been done to death in movies (Toy Story movies, Cars, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, etc), but not in writing, at least as far as I'm concerned. The problem with writing from the point of view of an inanimate object with human characteristics is that you walk a very thin tightrope between lack of insight (since we can't really say what a camera might think) and just plain silly. So far, you seem to be maintaining a firm path on that tightrope. First a little of the negative: I can't get into specifics about sentence structure and grammar--since I'm exhausted right now and since I'm no expert--but there were a couple of areas that would benefit from some tightening up (particularly the third paragraph). My only criticism about the story in the small sample you've shown is that I don't know where it takes place. I gather it might be in a repair shop (since the camera references needing to be fixed) or in a store (since the camera says people look at it but don't touch, as though they are considering a purchase but change their mind). For all I know, you clear that up later. Just don't wait too long because it can be distracting. Now to the positive: Your writing has a very wistful quality to it, which I assume you're going for with a story that starts on such a sad tone. I can picture the camera lolling about, reliving its glory days, wishing its time hadn't passed as fast as it did. It's melancholy and descriptive without being overwrought. Your first paragraph is good (although the first sentence was a little confusing since the use of the word "didn't" implies that the story is being told by someone who now DOES get lonely easily--which you may have fully intended). Your second paragraph is your best. The third had a few rough spots but nothing earth-shattering. With a little spit and polish, you've got something.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 22:16:11 -0700

For a long moment, Larken did not respond. Shocked, he stood without making noise, without drawing breath. His eyes flitted back towards the map, gaze honing in upon the various depictions of spherical blue orbs, glowing from the center of dense forests or deserted isles. There was one for each region, seven in total, like tiny, sparse stars that littered the expanse of O'ren. Jagged lines on the map's surface represented the narrow paths that lead to the Domes, for they were not densely populated, and in fact were regarded by most civilized society as the remnant of a long resolved and long forgotten issue. A relic that no longer had any purpose in the current day. At the start of his father's announcement, Larken's heart had swelled with pride. Now it beat dejectedly, and shame made heat creep across his face. Quickly in its wake followed rising panic as he imagined the stark walls of the compound contained within that azure Dome, of the crushing prison that rose jagged from the ground. He had been there once, as a young boy, on business with his father. But the practice of visiting physically had been disregarded over a decade ago due to its irrelevance. Nowadays a simple messenger would be sent out to make the arduous journey, and bring back whatever news there might have been, though there rarely was anything of interest to report. Larken clenched his teeth. Folding his hands behind his back, he twined his fingers together and closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath. He knew precisely the reason for this fool's errand. Soon there was to be a gathering of the regions, a fine display of Plinar pride as it hosted an annual assembly of all who possessed enough power and wealth to be of any import. The opportunity circulated amongst the regions, and this year, this seventh year, it fell to Plinar. And now during that honor, Grenon sought to be rid of him. Because he was mottled.

Re: Three paragraph critique

A Splashing Koi — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 01:49:51 -0700

Critique: I like the descriptions, and the sentences flow nicely. The only problems are the occasional overuse of commas. For example, the third sentence could be "spherical blue orbs that were glowing from the center of dense forests or dense isles." The second paragraph is also pretty vague---why is Larken so embarrassed at his father's announcement? Grammar: The grammar's quite spot-on, so props for that. Grade: B Good things: The wording is good enough so I can picture what's going on very well, and Larken's emotions are excellently described to the point I can actually feel them myself. Buy, put down, or turn the page?: Turn the page.

Re: Three paragraph critique

A Splashing Koi — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 02:09:35 -0700

"You can never hide! NEVER!" The ghost's shriek echoed around the halls as she ran, along the sharp clattering of chains. Panting and gasping, Rose struggled to keep her arm up in order to hold the lantern. Without it, she wouldn't be able to see her own hand in front of her face. But soon, she'd have to find more oil---it was just barely flickering now and it was a wonder the small flame hadn't gone out yet. She let out a shriek as she tripped over her own dress, ripping the silk hem in the process as she got up again. Cursing the fact she didn't have any reasonable clothes in this godforsaken place, she ran into the next room, only to find it several inches deep in water. If she looked more closely, she could swear it was tainted with old blood. No matter. Rose sloshed through it towards the door, but when she yanked on the handle, it refused to budge. Muttering several unladylike curse words, she fumbled in her bag for the key she had picked up earlier, and with shaking hands, inserted it into the rusted keyhole. With a click, it opened, and she rushed through it. The moment the girl stepped in, however, something cold and wet met her foot. When she lifted her lantern, it took all her might not to vomit right then and there. It was a mauled corpse, the eyes unseeing and dried blood covering the body, with the victim's mouth open in a silent scream. Rose couldn't tell if the person was a man or woman, but either way, it made her gut twist to almost breaking point. Swallowing the bile that came to her mouth, she nearly froze as she heard the eerie clicking of chains behind her. But then rational thought came in again, and she started to run.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Celticsmc12 — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 19:35:03 -0700

This was very good, something I would probably read. But one thing that really annoys me,and maybe it's just me,but I hate when this happens. Picking a spot at the table, she sat down. Following the scientist to the lab, she got a letter. Eating breakfast as he went, he ran to school. When this happens a lot in a story, it sorta ruins it for me. But it didn't happen to much with you. Good job! Grammar:Perfect. Grade: B+ Turn the page: Definitely.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 21:55:35 -0700

Okay, here's part of another book I've been writing. It's nowhere near finished and this is from a bare-bones first draft. There are some things here that definitely don't flow well, but I don't do want to do a lot of editing until the first draft is complete. I should mention that I was never quite comfortable with this part for some reason; something about it just feels off. I'm not sure what (maybe somebody can help me find it), or maybe I'm way off base and it actually works just fine. "Why you...you--" Goldie stared at me with those piercing blue eyes; the darkened skin underneath twitching as she searched for the right words with which to assault me. After a five second eternity, she clicked her tongue, turned on her heels, and walked away. That was odd, I thought as Goldie's tiny frame disappeared into the shadow and fog. It struck me then that the name "Goldie" didn't fit her at all; what with her hair as black as wet raven feathers and a demeanor to match. The other guys teased her and said she got the name because of the color of her teeth, but that wasn't true; her teeth were the only things about her that were absolutely perfect. The rest of her was too short, too thin, too angry, too vindictive, too annoying, and too stuck up to pay much attention to. So why was I still staring into the gray veil of fog so long after she had disappeared behind it? Whatever. She wasn't going to upset my good day. I turned around, pulled my hoodie up over my head, and walked into the cool dark of the last Spring afternoon I'd spend in this town for a long time.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:55:03 -0700

Critique: I genuinely can't find a thing wrong with it. The only thing I might be able to suggest is the change around of the sentence "That was odd, I thought as Goldie's tiny frame disappeared into the shadow and fog". Grammer: Nothing I noticed. Grade: A* Good things: The sentences flow. Your use of imagery and simile are excellent ("wet raven feathers" I enjoyed particularly). Your writing has a clear voice and you just seem to have a way with producing very readable sentences. When you have a draft that you're not embarrassed to show, NaNoMail me and I will happily critique the whole thing, if you'd like :3 Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Buy.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:56:53 -0700

The first three paragraphs of my prologue. I particularly hate the first one. Throughout the rest of the books, there's little splotches of humour but it doesn't quite seem to fit in the first sentence here. Idk o0o In a land far, far away – or possibly really close, depending on where you live – a Creature, tall, and walking on two legs, prowled about the labyrinthine pathways of the city sewers. It was swathed in a long woollen trench coat the colour of the night. Bright eyes cut through the black, alert. Its tail languidly straight but with the last inch flicking from side to side. It prowled, glad to be free at last. To be able to hunt. The noises it made undulated back and forth between growls and purrs. It skulked along and turned a corner when its ears picked up something – something shuffling along. Turning another corner at the end of the tunnel was a snail, glowing ethereal silver. It crawled lazily past. The Creature receded into an alcove, wanting desperately to stay hidden but not quite sure why. Eventually, the snail turned left into a hole in the crusty wall and was gone. The Creature stepped back out and looked over its shoulders – just to be safe – then went down on all fours and bounded off, sharp claws digging into the solid concrete, the triangles of its ears up and attentive. It galloped, running hard with a leap and a pronk here and there. It liked to think that it was graceful, its species were known for their grace - or they had been. It had been told they were graceful. Really though, it looked more like a heavy work horse blundering along than anything resembling elegance. But the trench coat did splay outwards like a cape as it ran. That looked good.

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 09:11:55 -0700

I've completely revamped these paragraphs now, is there a way to delete ^^^ Or should I post again or what? :s

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 10:25:17 -0700

just re-post it. I'm sure no one will get offended, and if they do you may refer them to me. ;)

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 11:14:34 -0700

Here we go! o0o Bright eyes cut through the black, alert. A tail, languidly straight but with the last inch flicking from side to side. It prowled, glad to be free at last . The noises it made undulated back and forth between growls and purrs. In a land a way away, a Creature prowled about the labyrinthine pathways of the city sewers. A washout assault on the sensitive pink nose but the price paid was worth it for the freedom. The stalking about was even dangerously close to hunting. Now, wouldn’t that be a treat? It wondered what actual hunting would be like. Chasing, leaping, landing, claws, blood, bringing down the prey with the fur still on the meat at the end of it. Instead of bald cubes of meat pushed through bars on a stick. It quickened the pace, finding comfort in the uniform dark. Skulking along, it turned a corner when its ears picked up something – something shuffling along. Turning another corner at the end of the tunnel was a snail, glowing ethereal silver. It crawled lazily past.

Re: Three paragraph critique

TheAllegorist476 — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:09:53 -0700

Thank you for the critique. I am puzzled though by your confusion, do you mean to say that with the description of the irrelevance of the dome it was unclear that that was why Larken was ashamed? You did not understand his father was getting rid of him? Hm, if that is the case I shall try to be more elaborate with the explanation of the situation.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 22:31:04 -0700

Wow, thank you so much for the kind words! Maybe my wife is right; maybe I am too hard on my own writing sometimes. I'll take you up on that extremely nice offer, but it'll be a while since I'm nowhere near finished yet.

Re: Three paragraph critique

fni — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 23:50:03 -0700

I'll disect this to give you my thought on each bit. [quote=ihazabeard] Bright eyes cut through the black, alert. [/quote] What is the "black" that the bright eyes cut through? [quote=ihazabeard] A tail, languidly straight but with the last inch flicking from side to side. [/quote] This sentence isn't gramatically correct, but that can be a stylistic thing. [quote=ihazabeard] It prowled, glad to be free at last. The noises it made undulated back and forth between growls and purrs. [/quote] I like the prowling freedom, and the sound undulating between growls and purrs. [quote=ihazabeard] In a land a way away, a Creature prowled about the labyrinthine pathways of the city sewers. A washout assault on the sensitive pink nose but the price paid was worth it for the freedom. [/quote] You've used prowled again here. I think you could come up with something else. This seem somehow like a second beginning. Like you've already said A princess with long hair twirled around, the skirt of her dress glistering in the sunlight. and then you go on saying Once upon a time in a land somwhere on earth there lived a princess who loved the sun Ok, very lame example, but I think you get the message. You also repete the freedom thing. [quote=ihazabeard] The stalking about was even dangerously close to hunting. Now, wouldn’t that be a treat? [/quote] Love this line! [quote=ihazabeard] It wondered what actual hunting would be like. Chasing, leaping, landing, claws, blood, bringing down the prey with the fur still on the meat at the end of it. Instead of bald cubes of meat pushed through bars on a stick. [/quote] Chasing, leaping, landing, claws, blood, bringing down the prey with the fur still on the meat at the end of it. Somewhat muddled. [quote=ihazabeard] It quickened the pace, finding comfort in the uniform dark. Skulking along, it turned a corner when its ears picked up something – something shuffling along. Turning another corner, at the end of the tunnel, was a snail, glowing ethereal silver. It crawled lazily past. [/quote] It crawled lazily past. Creature or snail? I just love the glowing snail! Critique I love your creature and the silvery snail! From the little I've read I think you have an interesting premise and prose, though the sentences sometimes get a bit muddled. Buy/Shelf/Turn the page? I'd turn the page, and I'd probably borrow it if I was at the library. If the grammar and flow was tauter I'd buy it. Grade B I just made a very quick re-write of your three paragraphs keeping as much of your prose as possible. Maybe you find something in it that you like. Bright eyes cut through the darkness, alert. The Creature prowled about the labyrinthine pathways of the city sewers in a land a way away. It's tail trailed languidly straight but with the last inch flicking from side to side. The noice it made undulated back and forth between growls and purrs. It was glad to be free at last, even with the washout assault on its sensitive pink nose. The stalking about was even dangerously close to hunting. Now, wouldn’t that be a treat? It wondered what actual hunting would be like.The chase. Claws and blood. Leaping, landing, and at the and bringing down the prey still with the fur on the tempered meat. Instead of cold, bald cubes of meat pushed through bars on a stick. It quickened the pace, finding comfort in the uniform dark. Skulking along, it turned a corner when its ears picked up something – something shuffling. Turning another corner, at the end of the tunnel, was a snail. Glowing ethereal silver, it crawled lazily past the creature.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 08:49:15 -0700

You've got a very distinct voice and a descriptive style. I'm not going to go in depth with a critique because fni already has that covered. The only thing I'll add is that I would get rid of the "a way away" part. It's not that it's incorrect or anything, but it is distracting. I'm a big believer in trying your best to keep the prose out of the way whenever possible, so that you're never reading something and hit a part that makes you pause because you get caught on the wording. This feels like one of those parts. Maybe something like "In a land quite far away," or "On the other side of the world (or country, or continent)," or even a simple "Elsewhere." Besides that, you've got some good stuff here.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 08:54:45 -0700

I know you posted this part by mistake, but I wanted to point out that I loved this part: "went down on all fours and bounded off, sharp claws digging into the solid concrete, the triangles of its ears up and attentive. It galloped, running hard with a leap and a pronk here and there. It liked to think that it was graceful...Really though, it looked more like a heavy work horse blundering along than anything resembling elegance." Very well written; very descriptive.

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 13:21:54 -0700

Thanks to any critiques on this! Prologue Eric sighed, as it had been a long day. He looked down at the silver thing on his arm, then at the giant black creature which was his opponent. Yep, a very long day. The sword on his back came forth from its sheath quite easily; all Eric had to do was pull. Now, he held the blade, Seperv, in his right hand whilst the silver band ran from his right wrist to his right elbow. He reached with his pointer finger and pressed a small, almost invisible button, and the top of the band clicked up into a small pipe with an open hole aiming at the monster. Electricity sparked from the hole, and Eric was almost ready to shoot at the monster. Then he remembered. All of his week had been horrible. First, he met a beautiful girl. That wasn't bad. Then, she and he blew up the school almost. But their teachers helped them, then they had to go through vigorous training with their swords and the silver bands, which were called Mercs, using them to smite trainer creatures. Then evrything went wrong, Eric and the girl, Dawn, were separated, and now Eric was facing this monster. The thing growled, and Eric responded with a whimper. He was still scared to fight this thing. But, he had to move on. But first, he had to remember. Remember all his skills he had learned, remember all that his trainers had taught him. And remember all that Dawn meant to him. Oh, he hoped she wasn't facing the same thing he was right now. Then Eric closed his eyes to remember. Remember all that had happened in the past week. . .

Re: Three paragraph critique

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 06:30:19 -0700

Tonight is the first time I have done this so quite nervous about it. Here are my 3 sentences. Spelling is Australian English - not US English. A cold hearth, where there should have been a warming fire filled Emily with anxiety. There was not even a faint glow from the ashes and no sound or sign of anyone upstairs. She missed the aromas of toast, eggs and bacon that usually wafted from the kitchen. Emily remembered how yesterday, her daddy had emptied most of the safe contents into a suitcase. That had been the beginning of what had become a night of disturbing events. The empty wine bottle and the many stubbed out cigarettes were proof that her parents’ late night conversation she had overheard had been real. After her parents had said goodnight to her, she had eavesdropped. They had for most of the time, been calm. Sometimes one or other of their voices had become louder and it had seemed to Emily this was not so much in anger as distress. “I have to leave, to avoid being arrested. I don’t want to go to prison.” Emily had heard her father saying as she had listened in disbelief. She had strained to try to make out her mother’s reply and heard her mother’s muffled sobs.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 07:47:19 -0700

If the events described here were already shown earlier in the story, then you can cut most of this. There's no need to rehash what the reader already knows. However, if these events weren't previously shown, then show them, rather than telling us about them after the fact. Show the conversation between her parents. Show Emily's reaction to it.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:22:59 -0700

Eric sighed, as it had been a long day. This sentence doesn't do much for me, but I think it would be better if you made it 2 sentences: Eric sighed. It had been a long day. The sword on his back came forth from its sheath quite easily; all Eric had to do was pull. Now, he held the blade, Seperv, in his right hand whilst the silver band ran from his right wrist to his right elbow. There are a lot of unnecessary words here. Is it really necessary to tell us that all eric had to do was pull? Is it necessary to tell us he held the blade? These things are obvious. I would recommend not using words like "whilst". Not unless you intended to write the whole story in similarly archaic fashion (which I also wouldn't recommend). Is the silver band actually doing something? "whilst the silver band ran" suggests that the band is actually moving. Eric pulled Seperv from the sheath on his back. The silver band encircling his right forearm gleamed in the flickering torchlight. This is much more to the point. No wasted words. He reached with his pointer finger and pressed a small, almost invisible button, and the top of the band clicked up into a small pipe with an open hole aiming at the monster. Again, we don't need to know he used his pointer finger. We don't need to know he used his finger at all. If he pushes a button, we are going to assume he used one of his fingers. Which one doesn't matter to us. The description here doesn't give me a really good idea of what is happening. Try to make it clearer. Example: He pressed a small, almost invisible button and a narrow tube formed atop the silver band, sparking with electricity. He aimed it at the monster. Electricity sparked from the hole, and Eric was almost ready to shoot at the monster. This sentence threatens to kill any possible tension there might be with Eric facing off against the monster. What is the monster doing? Is there anyone else around? Where are they? If the monster is his opponent, then I would expect them to be in some sort of arena, with crowds of people and the monster restrained in some way. This sentence makes it sound like the monster is just standing there waiting to be killed. Then he remembered. All of his week had been horrible. First, he met a beautiful girl. That wasn't bad. Then, she and he blew up the school almost. And the tension is officially dead. This might not be the best time for him to take a trip down memory lane. The reader doesn't need to know any of this right now. Focus on the battle. Explanations can come later.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:54:20 -0700

[quote=Banespawn] If the events described here were already shown earlier in the story, then you can cut most of this. There's no need to rehash what the reader already knows. However, if these events weren't previously shown, then show them, rather than telling us about them after the fact. Show the conversation between her parents. Show Emily's reaction to it. [/quote] Thank you once more. Huge help to have a response. I see now why I need a full novel critique and not a sections of the novel critique. Telling a serious crime story thought the child eyes. This is the fill in from housekeeper has kept her away from her father so she can't see what he was doing to the being put to bed only knowing about the phone call and then getting up to eves drop after parents think she is in bed. . Doors are about to burst open with action plus drama of why her father is gone without saying good bye and why she is now in danger. for 10,000 words or more. I can definitely get the emptying the safe in as action the night before...she might see it on the way to the bathroom. Remembering the housekeeper is under orders to keep her away. Still some can be moved to the previous scene as showing. Thank you. The biggest help I get from this critique is I want to get a couple of read the entire story critiques of submit as is, because I think this quiet - 'the child is waking up to the realization daddy is gone for ever and didn't say goodbye and I'm alone and desolate' passage, needs to be like this, a solo poignant passage before the storm of finding out why and what danger she is now. I like a little quiet passage surrounding a storm and in some ways it is action, she is walking though the house looking for anyone, mother, father, brother, housekeeper and father are all missing..she is dragging a rag doll. it's her birthday, she is shocked, she is putting it all together it wasn't a nightmare, it was real...daddy is gone. I actually do see this as an action scene showing the child response to no one home but her. There would definitely be action any moment...if not from people running up the stairs yelling and bursting in then from the child as she might begin to panic in this situation. I've decided not to get short sections critiques again as only the author knows how the passage fits the scene. I am ready for the full plot full novel critique. I am enormously grateful to you for your time Babepawn and it is refreshing to get honest critiques and not platitudes you learn nothing from.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 09:03:59 -0700

Banespawn I just cut out ' Emily remembered how yesterday, her daddy had emptied most of the safe contents into a suitcase. That had been the beginning of what had become a night of disturbing events.' because we know it was a niht of disturbing events without the summery. and the police are about to arrive and demand the safe be opened and we will see that it has been cleaned out. So thank you for highlighting an error I should have seen and will strive to see...excessive wordiness and repeating information. It's out of there now. Excellent critique, thank you.

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 16:07:18 -0700

Thanks, I was just trying to see how I would do at something. . .not fantasy. I didn't do very well -_- Thanks, though, for your critique!

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 12:39:54 -0700

He's running. Running through the terror filled Valley of Deceit, where treachery ran rampant. Wolves and other creatures of the sort could make out their howls to sound like those of people in pain, and you never knew whether or not it was one of your comrades crying out to you for your assistance. And when you did help, that's when the wolves would descend. They would tear you apart as if you were a type of meat on a bone, and they would lick you clean until there was no meat left. No one fed the wolves, hungry as they always were. Even the master of the wolves, a traitor called Lord Lucrid. He made sure that the animals were ready for any visitors who dropped by, as though the creatures wouldn't eat both food every day and meals of humans wandering through their territory. Of course, now, there were more and more of the wolves dying due to lack of food, as everyone was aware of them haunting the valley. No one would enter, and if one were to do so, they would never leave. But now, I spin the tale of a man who tries. He's running as though his life depends on it, as it very literally does. The howls and incessant cries of a female come from behind him, in front of him, and on both sides of him. Knowing the deceitful wolves' tricks, he didn't fall for them but kept on running. But he was more than tempted to turn to the howls, as they were those of his wife, who was lost somewhere along the way. He silently cried to himself, hoping beyond hope that the sounds really weren't his wife, but really were what he thought they were: the deceitful wolves. But if they were belonging to his wife, than she was suffering a tragic and abhorrent type of death. Being slaughtered and possibly even eaten alive by the monstrous and filthy wolves of the Valley. He ran and ran further, rushing through tall ferns and prickly branches, scraping his face and hands in an ugly fashion. Still he ran on, hoping that if he made it past all the wolves they would let his wife go if she wasn't dead already. But, he knew they wouldn't. The filthy creatures weren't like that. They wouldn't allow anyone to escape but by force. When the man pulled his sword out of his sheath, however, all that emerged was the hilt and a hand's length of the blade. The rest was lost back at the beginning of the valley during a battle with the wolves, where his wife was lost. Now he remembered. He knew that the fight would be tough, when he barely escaped with his life with his sword, and now he would be forced to fight without. But if he died, he would die honorably. But the he remembered the small dagger and hatchet he kept in sheaths on his backside. He pulled out the long dagger and smaller hatchet and sighed contentedly. There would be a decent fight, and he would win.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:11:45 -0700

I'm not a big fan of the obtrusive narrator. It is difficult to do well, especially for beginning writers. Too often we end up being told a story rather than shown a story. I want to feel like I'm there with the character. I want to experience the action as he does. I would suggest just focusing on the character. Show what he is doing and thinking, on what he sees, hears, smells, tastes and feels. Show what is happening around him. Wolves and other creatures of the sort could make out their howls to sound like those of people in pain, and you never knew whether or not it was one of your comrades crying out to you for your assistance. And when you did help, that's when the wolves would descend. They would tear you apart as if you were a type of meat on a bone, and they would lick you clean until there was no meat left. No one fed the wolves, hungry as they always were. Even the master of the wolves, a traitor called Lord Lucrid. He made sure that the animals were ready for any visitors who dropped by, as though the creatures wouldn't eat both food every day and meals of humans wandering through their territory. Of course, now, there were more and more of the wolves dying due to lack of food, as everyone was aware of them haunting the valley. No one would enter, and if one were to do so, they would never leave. This whole paragraph is the narrator telling us about the wolves. Rather than tell us, show us. Show the guy (please give him a name) being tricked by the wolves. Show them attacking him and his wife. You've got an action scene with no action. The narrator is telling us everything.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:12:02 -0700

Akad crouched in the shadow of the palace wall, twenty feet from freedom, cursing holy Haram and the inequities of fate. Two sharazi stood in his path, naked blades hanging from red sash belts. Beyond them, a line of palanquins stretched toward the far gate, waiting to take the royal family into the city. Sweat beaded on his brow and dampened his palms. He wiped them on his pantaloons, wondering if he should turn back, try again another day. No one would know. He shook his head, banishing the thought. His next chance might be days or even weeks away. The frayed edge of his sanity would brook no more delays. It was now or never. The two guards turned and Akad fllowed their gaze. The royals emerged from the palace surrounded by a dozen more sharazi and followed by a large retinue of servants who would carry the litters. The Kaz--The Dragon as the common folk called him--wore a red silk coat, similar in style to the blue chados worn by his sons. The coat buttoned at the waist and flared wide above and below, exposing his powerful chest and hanging like a cloak around his legs. The youngest son fiddled with the buttons on his coat, adjusting and readjusting as he walked. Akad couldn’t help but smile at the performance.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Janna Jennings — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 21:47:10 -0700

Your writing is wonderfully descriptive. It does feel wordy and would be more powerful in compact sentences. The information I got from the passage is (in part) what kind of man he is, what the valley is, and the nature of the wolves. What I was missing were the crunch of his feet on the dead branches as he flew along the ravine bed. The sting of the trees whipping him in the face as he turned at the sound of the female behind him. Make me see what you do in your head. They would tear you apart as if you were a type of meat on a bone, and they would lick you clean until there was no meat left. No one fed the wolves, hungry as they always were. Try instead: The voracious wolves would tear into any meat, scraping the bones of every scrap; always looking for something to sate their appetites.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Janna Jennings — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 21:52:58 -0700

"No worries." Quinn attempted a smile but even her cheeks were tired. "I'll get you out. Here." Quinn unwound several yards of rope and tossed them on top of the boy. "Tie that in a good knot around your waist. It won't be pleasant if the basket drops, but you won't fall." Quinn pulled the slack out of her rope and wound it several times around the trunk of the tree pulling her weight agains the end. "Ready?" The boy looked more determined than scared, which impressed Quinn. "Go slow." He began to inch himself toward her in an awkward crab crawl, pausing intermittently, waiting for the plunge. None came. He reached the edge of the basket and started to turn to grab the branch below Quinn. An ominous creak made him freeze mid turn. The basket settled, they both relaxed, and then a pivotal branch finally broke free creating a domino effect of splinted trees and flying pinecones. The basket pinwheeled to the ground. The boy's yell was lost in the amputating of tree limbs as he launched himself toward Quinn's tree. He scrabbled at the branches, needles shooting through his fingers. He missed, and fell. The rope caught, thumping the air from his lungs. He swung toward the trunk, his hands clutching the rope, his head tucked to his chest trying to protect his face. On the other end of the rope Quinn braced herself, but the boy's momentum was too much for her precarious seat and she was launched from tree branch. She just managed to keep her grip on the rope as he smacked hard into the trunk, breaking branches on his way. Both dangling teenagers twisted on the slowing rope, drawing shuddering breathes, hands burning raw. Their bodies finally stilled with the rope, they were strung in the tree like two battered Christmas ornaments. Their faces only inches apart, Quinn stared into his green eyes and saw her disbelief, relief, and barely contained hysteria reflected in them. "Thanks." He wheezed. For some reason this pushed her over the edge and she began to cry.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 07:25:31 -0700

From my long-lost Mark Twain phase: Gaptooth Charlie's got the blues. The love of his life is leaving him for another man, Toothless Tater McGee. Now, Charlie ain't the most jealous man there is. In fact, if there's one thing ol' Sue used to complain about, it's that Charlie wasn't passionate enough about anything. He'd never finished anything in his life, and the only thing that got him out of bed in the morning was the prospect of going to bed later that day. He never could figure out how he landed a fine lady like Sue. He's not the best looking man in the county by a long shot; not unless you count short, fat, and bald as fine qualities for a man to have. He's gap-toothed, whiny, and smells so bad he could not a buzzard off a gut wagon. But he treated her right, and that seemed to be all she cared about. Until Tater McGee moved in from the next county over. Tater's not easy on the eyes himself, but he has one thing Charlie doesn't: his own personal moonshine still. When Tater first moved into the county, he'd invited Charlie to work on the still with him. Charlie considered taking him up on the offer, but now he figures it was all a trick just so Tater could get closer to Sue. Charlie hoped the still would blow up on the both of 'em.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Janna Jennings — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:30:16 -0700

For some reason, I love this! In three short paragraphs you have created, if not a lovely, a distinctive sketch of your characters. I found one tpyo in the second paragraph. Knock instead of not? A-

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 14:28:39 -0700

Darn it, you're right! My kingdom for an edit button! And thank you :) I never got more than a few pages into this one. Maybe I should've given it more time?

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 15:43:53 -0700

I think you could make it work as a short story. Anything longer and I'd probably come to hate the narrator.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 16:34:19 -0700

Lol agreed. I remember it became almost tiresome to write.

Re: Three paragraph critique

frenziedmythology — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:15:22 -0700

Thanks to both those critiques, they were helpful. This is the prologue, (And actually there's two remaining paragraphs) and there's a fight with the wolves there. All I wanted to accomplish in this prologue is to show a) the ferocity of the wolves, and b) the Valley. The action isn't important. The Valley is, as it will be included later where there will be a lot of action. But thanks for those critiques, I don't mean to sound ungrateful :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 21:00:45 -0700

Well written with tight prose. If I were the envious type, I'd be filled to the brim right now. Can't find a thing wrong, stylistically. The only thing I noticed was a spelling error in the first sentence of the last paragraph: "fllowed." Perfect otherwise.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Quinzy — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 14:21:13 -0700

(This is one of the unfinished projects, the character being similar to Marie Antoinette, set in the 1700's) Roses, lilacs, violets, and cherry blossoms surrounded her in a vast array of deep crimson and purple, as if the princess herself were swimming in an ocean of flowers. The garden itself took up most of the area around her, formed as a gigantic circle in the field. Felicity Dumond, princess of Devsani, who governed the lands around her with an iron will, gazed at her splendid garden, took in the wondrous sight and let out a gentle sigh, content to be in such a heavenly place. She always preferred to remain outside during the day, having her maids finish dabbing perfume and other cosmetics on her face while the others piled her hair to the top of her head, then wrapping it in a bun and letting one loose curl hang about her shoulder. Patience was not her strongest virtue, and she would hastily make her way outside in the warm sunlight before her shawl was put on. Such rash behaviour would send her father into a fit, for he worried she might be dressed indecently. He sent her mother, a woman who seemed equally as paranoid as himself. Lifting her dress skirt and petticoats so they wouldn’t drag along the ground, Queen Dumond hurried outside, calling to her daughter. “Felicity, darling, it is not wise to be outside before you are appropriately dressed for society!” Felicity turned her head around slightly, so as not to disturb the maid fixing her hair. “You needn’t worry mother, I am prepared, and besides, the day is beautiful, we should all be outside during this time.”

Re: Three paragraph critique

Janna Jennings — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:07:09 -0700

The first paragraph seems a little wordy and redundant, although it gets better as you go. This is extremely picky, but roses don't usually bloom the same time as lilacs, violets and cherry blossoms. I was a little confused at the order of things. Was she going outside without her shawl after she was made ready? Was her mother more upset about her being outside without the shawl or because she was not done being readied. I am getting a good since of your characters. That's what makes the story.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Janna Jennings — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:08:43 -0700

Well, I was going to say, the reason no one has responded to you, is there isn't anything wrong with it! Very well written. Nice flow, good amount of detail and action. I'm hooked.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:08:03 -0700

Let's just say this is about a kid who was born a ghost and made a deal to get a body. It's not, but the real story is even worse: I woke up early the next morning and ran into the kitchen to get something to eat. This was going to be my first sunrise, and I didn’t want to miss it. My parents had stocked the cupboards with all kinds of food, including lots of breakfast cereal. The television shows I used to watch had made mention of these, and always left me curious to try some. I randomly chose the box with a cartoon tiger on it and poured a heaping bowl. Saliva flooded my mouth in anticipation of the first bite. Apparently my new body was a big fan of food, and the cereal did not disappoint. I sat out on the back porch and filled my stomach with spoonfuls of the sweet and crunchy meal. The sun had just started to peek over the distant horizon, most of which was blocked from view by houses across the rear alley. Still, I could see some light creeping across the sky, which colored the ragged patches of loitering clouds with deep hues of orange and purple and red. Dew had collected on our lawn overnight, coating the deep green blades of grass in billions of tiny glass ornaments. I hadn't yet put my shoes or socks on, so I got up and walked around the side of the house to the front. An ice pick shot up my legs and into my spine on first contact with the morning chill, but once my new body's nerve endings adjusted, the feeling was amazing--cold and wet, peculiar and freeing. Blades of grass tickled the valleys between my toes, and if it weren't for our precisely manicured lawn and the tract homes all around me, I would have felt positively feral.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:09:27 -0700

Ugh. I meant to make take out the part that starts with "I hadn't yet put my shoes or socks on..." and make it a separate paragraph that wouldn't be posted here. Sorry.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:25:10 -0700

I like it. Two things. First: Still, I could see some light creeping across the sky... I think you could improve this by simplifying it: Light creeped across the sky... The rest really isn't necessary. And second: No milk?

Re: Three paragraph critique

Banespawn — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:26:50 -0700

Akad stood with his father and Taval in the lowest level of the palace, beneath the crypts of his ancestors. Before them, sharazi guarded a heavy steel door; two doors really, with not one but three thick steel beams barring them shut. A second set of doors would follow, Akad knew, and beyond, a system of tunnels that ran north to the Alcazar, and east and west to other points within the city. As a child, this door had represented the outside world to him. A thousand times he had seen the city from his balcony, and on clear days he could see the far off Mogul range cutting a jagged line along the horizon. He had stowed away in a palanquin and had been dragged unwillingly all the way to Byway. But it was this door, this barred and perpetually closed steel door, that stood between him and the outside world, between him and freedom. As the sharazi lifted the bars from the doors, Akad imagined chains falling from his wrists and ankles. But there was no accompanying sense of freedom, of escape. Rather he felt trepidation. He didn’t know what his father meant to show him, but he knew that once he crossed the threshold, there would be no going back. The final bar removed, a sharazi pulled the doors wide, then knocked on the next set in a rhythmic pattern, the sounds echoing through the room. Someone on the other side responded with a different pattern, two, then one and one again. The sharazi tapped once, then three times, then twice. Metal scraped against metal and the doors opened. The tunnel, formed of huge granite blocks and well lit by lanterns hanging from the walls, stretched forward as far as Akad could see. Two blue-robed priests genuflected on the floor before them.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:22:03 -0700

[quote=Banespawn] I like it. Two things. First: Still, I could see some light creeping across the sky... I think you could improve this by simplifying it: Light creeped across the sky... The rest really isn't necessary. And second: No milk? [/quote] Thank you for your critique. You're absolutely right about the light creeping part. That sentence stuck out to me when I reread it. Another one that does is the part that says: Saliva flooded my mouth in anticipation of the first bite. Apparently my new body was a big fan of food, and the cereal did not disappoint. I think I need to clean it up and maybe join the two sentences with a semicolon. I only separated them to avoid a long, run on sentence. What do you think? Also, you know what's hilarious (to me anyway)? I had made mention of milk but took that part out just before hitting the submit button! It just didn't read right to me, but I'm sure I could have changed it so it did. When I took it out, I thought "I hope this doesn't imply he's eating the cereal dry." Damn my second guessing! And now I can't remember exactly what it said and I'm kind of bummed.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:25:43 -0700

To clarify my problem with the sentences I've put in bold type above: I think the first sentence too plain; like it's been cut short. Originally, my milk comment went before the word "saliva," so that could explain why.

Re: Three paragraph critique

chug20 — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 07:17:45 -0700

Another excellent snippet. I'd only point out two possible (small) issues. The first is in the first paragraph, where it says: "As a child, this door had represented the outside world to him." I think the sentence would be cleaner without the "to him" part, since the character being referred to is implied by the sentences surrounding this one. The second is in the second paragraph. Akad could feel the chains of bondage or inhibitions slip from his wrists and ankles in one sentence, but does not feel any sense of freedom in the next. These two sentences seem antithetical. I think I get what you were going for--maybe a sense that, although he should feel more free but doesn't--but when I read that part, I had to go over it a couple more times to be sure I was reading it right. Beyond those two minor things, it's fantastic. You paint an amazing picture with your words.

Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 20:51:30 -0700

God, I hate going to Pandemonium. Milton was correct in the naming. It is pandemonium in that place. Not only is the city a pain in the ass, but getting there is worse. In life it’s easy to get there, but here, it takes some doing. I’ve only been there five times, and each time I tell myself that I’m never going back, no matter how likely Belial is to blame for some shit hitting the fan in the Nexus. I know the man I have to see is Virgil. He has some knack being able to get in and out of the place that I’ve yet to master, but seeing as how I could really care about getting there, I don’t make much effort trying. If it wasn’t for the fact that I now have hundreds of spoofed souls, I wouldn’t even try. Virgil is annoying. When I see him, I know that I am going to be bombarded with incessant complaints about Beatrice and Dante. Damn that Dante. Why couldn’t he just get over it? He went through Hell, Purgatory (now defunct) and Paradise, and now (ironically) that he is here, he can’t stay away from any of them. The first time I met Virgil, I was one of the newly arrived. It’s a peculiar place to be in the Nexus. While it is not exactly Hell, it isn’t Heaven, and I’ve been there, too. Some people call it God’s waiting room while you await your judgment. Looks like the Catholics didn’t quite get rid of Purgatory in Vatican Two. I arrived in the office that I was assigned. Dust covered the desk and the grime on the windows didn’t let what passed for light in this place pass through. Darkness visible Milton called it once, and while it didn’t make sense to me then, when I saw it, everything made sense. Seeing darkness is unnerving, and while I tried to make the room more “natural,” Virgil walked in. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

AKwolf — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 08:04:47 -0700

Well, this got out of control. I apologize for the long-winded critique. I enjoy critiquing. Probably a bit too much... Critique: Overall, I liked it and thought it was intriguing. I certainly want to know more about what exactly is going on, which also brings me to something I felt was a con about the piece and is that it got a bit difficult to follow. There is certainly something going on, something intriguing, and I like that the suspense is there and you have not told the reader what exactly that ‘something’ is just yet. However, I feel as if all the name dropping and term dropping (Beliel, Beatrice, Dante, Purgatory, Vatican Two, Nexus, the newly arrived, this darkness thing, etc) is happening really fast and not enough time is taken to introduce these names and terms properly. I want to know more about these people and places instead of just being told a name and rushed onward to the next name or the next term or the next piece of monologue. My recommendation would be, since it seems like Milton, Virgil and Pandemonium are the main name/term focuses for these three paragraphs, perhaps focus a bit more on them and give a snippet of explanation as to who and what they are before jumping forward. The concept of vague names and terms to intrigue the reader is a delicate technique, and it looks like the story idea and reader curiosity here is enough to wield that technique, but you can also overdo it by dropping too many names and terms without any explanation. At that point, it kind of gets confusing trying to keep up with all these people and places without any real reference to who and what they are. The concept and story idea here feels fresh and interesting, and it has my attention, I just think the direction you are taking the reader in could use a bit of refinement. Give the reader little snippets of information along the way to appease our appetite for information, but don’t fill our bellies, either. Give us just enough to keep reading and keep hungering and don’t pull us forward without answering enough questions to keep our interest. That’s the biggest critique I have; the story seems interesting and you have obviously thought out the plot well enough to already be introducing many story-centric ideas and terms, and that’s good! The only other critique I have is to maybe give us a place of reference. There is action here and certainly a mobile narrative, so we’re not stuck and bored – which is one of the biggest problems found in story openings – but we also don’t know where we are. Maybe give a small description about the city? Even something small can go a long way to set up a scene. What does your character see as they’re walking? Why is Pandemonium – as mentioned – a pain in the ass? What does the ground feel like under their feet? Is there the glow of some peculiar or noticeable light anywhere? Is there a particular smell in the air? Even one mention of something seemingly insignificant about the location can go a long way to entice your readers. I also just realized I have no idea what your character’s name is. Well done. That speaks to the mobility of your narrative and the fact that I was intrigued enough to not even notice that I didn’t have a name. Grammer: “I’ve only been there five times, and each time I tell myself that I’m never going back, no matter how likely Belial is to blame for some shit hitting the fan in the Nexus.” – This confused me. Are we blaming Belial or is Belial blaming someone else? If we are blaming Belial, why does it matter? The way I’m reading it, it sounds like the MC wants to stay away despite the fact that he may be compelled to return due to Belial’s blame-worthy actions. And I only came to that conclusion after reading the sentence a few times, it’s a bit confusing. Also, you can nix “that” between “myself” and “I’m.” “He has some knack for being able to get in and out of the place that I’ve yet to master; but seeing as how I could really care less about getting there nix the comma I don’t make much effort in trying.” “He went through Hell, Purgatory (now defunct) and Paradise, and now (ironically) that he is here, he can’t stay away from any of them.” – There seems to be too much going on in this sentence. Firstly, if you want to keep the copy in the parenthesis replace the parenthesis with dashes. Like: “…Purgatory – now defunct – and…” Nix the “and” after “defunct” and replace it with a comma. I would also get rid of “ironically” since there is no explanation as to why this is ironic and it just leaves the reader confused about the irony. “While it is not exactly Hell, it isn’t Heaven, and I’ve been there, too.” – Replace the comma after “Heaven” with either a semi-colon or a period, and begin a new sentence with the “And.” “I arrived in the office that I was assigned.” – You come out of a monologue and begin describing the scene here so start a new paragraph with this sentence. “Dust covered the desk and the grime on the windows didn’t let what passed for light in this place pass through.” – This sentence just doesn’t read right to me. If it were mine, I would rewrite it as: “Dust covered the lone desk, and the grime-coated windows barred a grim and opaque light from seeping through.” This way, you nix a couple of repetitive words and you add some description about the type of light instead of just telling your readers that the light isn’t quite natural. Just a suggestion/example. :) “Darkness visible Milton called it once; and while it didn’t make sense to me back then, once I saw it nix the comma everything made sense.” – One non-grammatical critique about this part, what is Darkness Visible and how is the MC trying to make the room more “natural?” What does that mean? These are all questions that I have and am hoping they are answered soon. :) Grade: B+ Good things: First, please keep in mind that if I didn’t like this I wouldn’t have spent as much time as I did critiquing it. There is a lot of potential here! The flow is good, the story is intriguing and your writing is well done. There is a lot here that keeps me interested and wanting to know more. I also like that the narrative is mobile, meaning I don’t feel stuck or bored during the first few sentences. I feel like the narrative is going somewhere, which is the biggest step to getting a potential reader to continue reading a new book. Buy, put down, or tun the page?: Turn the page, for sure! Let me know if you have questions or don't agree with something. These are all my opinions and I'm more than happy to explain or give examples or hear why I may be wrong on something. :)

Re: Three paragraph critique

ihazabeard — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 13:33:10 -0700

Above the ground, a city called Doradon was being pounded with rain like it had committed some great personal atrocity against the sky. It was a hammering deserved of someone who’d more stepped on your mother than your hamster. Mordecai le Vogel sat in his chair with his back to the window, determined that this was one show that wouldn’t be watched. He hadn’t stepped on anyone’s mother and, besides, he had bigger things to be getting on with. Tapping his slippered feet on the floor, he wondered what he should do. What a mess it all was.

Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 13:48:11 -0700

Thank you for this critique. All the points you have are very valid points, but I am not sure about what you called name dropping. For this story, I wanted people who know about "Paradise Lost," John Milton, Dante and "The Divine Comedy," to understand exactly what I was talking about. I think they are easy enough references to the literature (I mean who didn't at least read the first book of "Paradise Lost in high school--and if you didn't go back ot your municipality and get a refund of that bit of tax payer money) that overly detailed explanation is not needed. However, I am not so arrogant as T.S Eliot to say that I don't need to explain anything. Perhaps part of the problem is that I didn't htink about it. I closed my eyes and wrote it. I will have a look at it again now that I have thought about it and see what I can do to fix it. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

AKwolf — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:01:18 -0700

Ah, okay! See, that makes more sense! I didn't pick up on that because my head just wasn't in that frame of mind, but now that you mention it I can see the references. I'm sure part of it just has to do with the fact that this is three paragraphs from a larger work, and the larger work as a whole would make that reference clear. Not everything needs to be explained in the span of three paragraphs and I hope my critique did not make it sound as if that was necessary. As for what I meant by name dropping, I just meant stating a fair amount of names and terms without explaining who and what they are. Can I ask at what point in the novel these paragraphs were taken from? Just for my own curiosity. If this was taken from somewhere after the beginning and all these characters have been previously introduced, then you can ignore my comments about explaining who they are. For some reason, I got it in my head that these are the first three paragraphs and then realized it was never stated that they were.

Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:34:29 -0700

These are the first three paragraphs. In media res, so to speak. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:19:35 -0700

...I've never read Paradise Lost in school. Nobody I know has.... I guess it's time to get a refund.

Re: Three paragraph critique

J_S_C — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 19:23:03 -0700

I do not know whether I should be sad for you that you have not read it, or your school for not teaching it. Both are equally tragic. --JSC

Re: Three paragraph critique

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 09:03:19 -0700

[quote=ihazabeard] Above the ground, a city called Doradon was being pounded with rain like it had committed some great personal atrocity against the sky. It was a hammering deserved of someone who’d more stepped on your mother than your hamster. Mordecai le Vogel sat in his chair with his back to the window, determined that this was one show that wouldn’t be watched. He hadn’t stepped on anyone’s mother and, besides, he had bigger things to be getting on with. Tapping his slippered feet on the floor, he wondered what he should do. What a mess it all was. [/quote] The first sentence calls for active voice and probably consolidation with the second. "... the rain hammered Doradon City with a nearly personal ferocity. As if, Mordecai le Vogel mused, someone had kicked its mother." Also, since le Vogel is the one making the rain anthropomorphic, I'd reference him a line above, the first time the device appears. The balance flows well.

Re: Three paragraph critique

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 09:39:48 -0700

Working by starlight and touch, Doc finally looped the wire over the arrowhead embedded in my thigh. Fortunately for me, the tip hadn't crimped. But the extraction hurt like hell. No medicinal whiskey left in this siege, and the leather strap he gave me to bite down on had already been nearly chewed in half. I thanked him with a hoarse grunt. He gripped my shoulder one last time, said something and moved down the thin skirmish line. That was around midnight. A few minutes later an incredibly lucky shot from the riverbank took him in the throat -- he must have been silhouetted against the sky, just for a moment. A half dozen carbines lashed back at the gunflash, we heard a yelp, maybe. Since then, only an owl's call and a fox which somehow still shared our sandbar disturbed the night. Now we were into twilight. Within an hour the dry river channel and the brushy banks would be just visible enough to pick out a target. We counted ten, maybe a dozen carbines among us, and my Long Tom rifle, whose former owner, Lt. Thompson, no longer needed it. Then, out of the darkness came the witching strains of a violin trill.