Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

TITLE: Stars Oh So Pretty

SUMMARY: All is well
the last words
but not really
the end.
This is
a tale
of a girls,
boys, and
green eyed owls.
This is
a tale
of the
grandchildren.
Anna Day, or Lace, daughter of Cho Chang, is epic with her viola. She attends Astrum Enchantress Place, a all girls school for Enchantresses, but as this school is only three years, she goes to Hogwarts after her third year, there she will find a year that changes her world and dreams. And here enters, Vivian Lilian Étoilé Scamander, granddaughter of Luna Lovegood, and daughter of Lily Luna Potter, she is a Slytherin through and through but this is a year that redefines everything and perhaps her own family's view of Slytherin. And this is Dominic Malfoy, and he loves ice cream and candy. And food in general. He's a talented cook, and a Hufflepuff. But time cannot forget or heal everything and purebloods are all regarded as snobbish low lifes and generally on the bottom of the food chain, while muggleborns and halfbloods are on top with a few exceptions. But this is a year, in which things change, people change, names change, and houses change.

And assorted other grandchildren and a few seventh year children of our previous heroes and foes. This is the future, and Slytherin isn't always bad, and Gryffindors aren't always a synonym for good.

Welcome back to Hogwarts.

GENRE: FANFICTION? HUMORish. I think.

CONCERNS: I think its awesomeness might destroy the world. Middle school has not yet destroyed my ego!

On a more serious note, the book is told in mostly words, but there will be 1/3 of it in verse. Mostly the parts which are, I think, angsty and emotional.

I'm working on writing all this info up for my own novel, so in the meantime, here's a critique for you, 9393usak.

I support the idea of Deathwatch for the first novel, Titanheart for another/the sequel. I'm a fan of one word titles, and a dramatic title goes with such a dramatic premise.

As for the novel itself, I can suspend disbelief. Whether or not the novel itself is believable is another matter, but I didn't notice anything glaringly unlikely or beyond what I've been willing to believe for other fantasy/science fiction novels.

Now, the blurb. It definitely isn't perfect, though it's also not awful. I would read the book based on this, but mostly because the premise interests me. I'd have some hangups about the quality of the novel unless the blurb was cleaned up a tiny bit.

So her mother was murdered and her brother spends time at gunpoint. That feels unsatisfying to me. I want to know who murdered her mother and what's up with her brother straight away if you're going to bother telling me. The mystery, the hook, is in the hows and whys behind it all. This is just my opinion, of course, but I'd rather you just call her mother dead and her brother an outlaw for now.

I also think you'd be better off starting out with "Kara Clayton awakens in a new world, in a different body" as the opening sentence. Cut the line about the scientist caring for her, it adds nothing and removing it would also remove some of the suspension of belief issues.

I'd go with the opening line I suggested above, followed by your first paragraph with modifications. Then start the second paragraph with "Upon awakening, she is drafted into war" and leave it as you have it from there. Also, to be totally nitpicky, I like the sound of "War doesn't mean what it once did" better.

Again, all this is completely opinion, though some of it is based on critiques I've seen before. Like I said, I'd still give your book a try with the blurb just as it is now.

Hi, Chillibean. :D

I agree with Christina on some of her points. At first I thought it was sci-fi (it sounded a little like The Giver), but then I saw it was dated in the past. Or is it like The Hunger Games, where there's a past in the future? And it would be good if the characters were a little bit more identified.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with the second paragraph. It's a nice transition between paragraph one and three. The phrase "right under his nose" should be changed if you mean someone higher in rank than Klyte--who I don't think is Visere. Or is it? Oh noes, the suspense is already building before your book is even published. (And next thing you know, there will be shipping wars!)

Civil war... well, that one I disagree with Christina. To need a team of liars, your kingdom must be some sort of unstable, right?

I love the title, because it goes straight to the point without any ambigious symbolism.

And as for cliche... I've never seen a book like this before. If you have, please tell me. I want to read it. :)

Christina Huling wrote:
Title: love it and would definitely pick it up to read the back cover.
Summary: I'd like to get more information, even a glimpse, of the world this takes place in. At first, I thought it was modern, but then there were peasants, and a king, and it was a little confusing. Also, I thought some of the second paragraph was unnecessary. In particular, the line that starts "any whisper of rebellion" seemed kind of extraneous. Maybe a super-fast explanation of who Visere is should be added. Something like (I'm guessing who Visere is), "Visere, his commander, says..." would make things clearer. Also, why is he reluctant to be a member of the Lying Division? (i.e. are they somehow infamous, etc.)? And Klyte sees how good Liars are at their job, but they aren't actually stamping out vigilantes and rebellion? And (this is me being really picky) I don't know if "right under his nose" is good phrasing for the end, especially since we don't know who you mean (although I'm guessing Visere). If my guess is right, I suggest changing it to somethIng like "right in front of him," because, to me at least, "right under his nose" sort of implies he's higher than them on the food chain. Also, the last paragraph was the first mention of the im

Hiya :) I'm inclined to critique yours since you did such a wonderful job on mine!

I quite like your setup for the blurb, it describes your world's setting nicely. I selective-read a lot, so I skipped straight to your blurb after your title and missed the genre section. So at first I thought it was fantasy (You know, powers and such) but then the Mississippi River kind of threw me off, and the next paragraph c hanged it back to fantasy again. Then the 'Americas are stirring from their history' made it sound like historical fiction. So I didn't get it was Sci-fi at all until the last sentence, which confused me even more D:

I don't particularly like the listing of what happens (at the beginning of your second paragraph). It violates the showing, not telling rule, which is a rule I like (but fail at). Perhaps you should describe two of the most important/interesting events briefly, and then ignore the rest. Although I do love the last part of your sentence ^^

You kind of did alude to the two other main characters (are those the two strangers you mentioned?) though I missed that until your explanation... This does sound like an epic novel, though! Very dramatic :)

I agree on the "showing, not telling" thing. Just as far as grammar goes, this would throw me off. I would change your first two sentences to "For as long as Adri can remember, she has had the supernatural ability to control objects with her mind. And for as long as she can remember, she has resented this ability." Even with the grammar revisions though, the tenses are awkward, and the sentences are repetitive. I think to fix this you would need to summarize the novel in the present, something which is common convention even for novels set in the past.

I agree that the second paragraph needs clarification. I am confuzzled. :) Also, I'm the sort of person who would be immediately turned off by an author referring to me in his summary with "in our world's not-so-distant future." Also, the last two words in your blurb are a cliche, which may not bode well with a potential reader.

I also want to know more about the deforms and the Pawns. I also don't like the phrase "barely-teens." I think if you focused more on the action in the novel and emphasized the past-present flux of things, it would lead to less confusion.

I'd be interested to see a re-write of this. :) The English teacher who gave you extra credit for NaNo might have some suggestions too, if you feel comfortable sharing with him/her.

Based on this blurb and the novel excerpt you posted, I'm not really interested in reading this yet. I say yet because NaNo novels are really not the best things in the world to judge, as they inherently need tons of revision. The transitions between the paragraphs in your excerpt seem not to connect very well, and there is a lot of narrative summary, something that a lot of readers will glaze over.

Then again, when I think about the corny stuff I wrote when I was 14, I can totally understand. My story has evolved so much since I was your age that it's not even funny. So if the story is able to grow with you, don't be surprised if it changes. A lot. And if it doesn't, then you'll have the experience, and since it takes about 10,000 hours to get really good at something, that means a lot. Haha sorry I don't even know where this rant came from... hope it doesn't sound patronizing, I'm just trying to say that expecting to get published like tomorrow isn't going to be a very realistic goal, and that fiction definitely grows with you. ;)

Forgive me if I sound harsh -- I think this might benefit from a line-by-line critique, so that's what I'm going to give you.

"For as long as Adri remembers, she has the supernatural ability to control objects with her mind. " Cut the supernatural -- it's redundant. It's a good fact to start with, both because it obviously drives the story, and because it clearly marks the genre as spec fic, for those who are looking for it.

"And for as long as she remembers, she resented this ability. In her time, such powers are dangerous in the kingdom of Kroling, where mass hangings occur daily for the wicked "deforms." Her whole life is dedicated to escaping the much-feared Pawns, traveling from town to city to town. At thirteen, however, her luck is about to run out when she is kidnapped by two strangers from the other side of the Mississippi River." I think, given the Mississippi River's mention, that you might want to be a little more specific when you mention "her time." Given Adri's name and the name of the kingdom, I assumed this was otherworld fantasy until mention of the Mississippi, so giving us, for example, a specific year might ground things a little better as a set up for this being in our world. On the other hand, you describe the world itself and the central conflict very well, and it sounds like a really interesting dystopia.

As for your last paragraph -- either cut it entirely or explain a little more about how the Americas are "stirring." I'd mention the two other kids, if only as people she meets up with, if they're main characters, but if you're going to mention them, I'd mention them and the beginning of the semester and leave it at that.

This sounds like something I might be interested in, and it definitely sounds like something my little sister, who's about your age, would devour, so I wish you luck with any edits.

I think you use "remembers" too much in the first sentence, and I don't think "barely-teens" makes sense, but I think the rest of the blurb is pretty great, if a little short.

I love the sentence "In this odyssey of metal wars, bastardly rulers, past relics, mutated monsters, urban survival, and a shifting century of past and present, the Americas are stirring from their history."

The only thing that hinted at Sci-fi for me was the above sentence, but that may not be a bad thing.

(Dis is de original version. I changed a few immediate problems/issues I can resolve right now. Mostly the first few sentences. Otherwise, it is unmarked.)
(On second thought, I decided to leave the original headings here as well.)

Not a Hero
For as long as Adri remembers, she has the ability to control objects with her mind. But in her time, such powers are dangerous in the kingdom of Kroling, where mass hangings occur daily for the wicked "deforms." Her whole life is dedicated to escaping the much-feared Pawns, traveling from town to city to town. At thirteen, however, her luck is about to run out when she is kidnapped by two strangers from the other side of the Mississippi River.

Not a Leader
Until the Queen bombs her home, Zoe's life is completely normal. She lived her life in East Base of the United States of the West League with her family, doing well in classes, crushing on the President's son, and even completing her first mission in the enemy country of Kroling. But then her mother dies in flames before her very own eyes, and Zoe is separated from the rest of West Base during the raid. To reunite with everyone, she teams up with the two remaining souls in East Base: Adri and Favyen. But how will she lead them through the many countries of USW to Central Base—more than one thousand miles away?

Not a Genius
Favyen is a loner. He was dragged into this mess by two annoying girls, who thought it would be fun to explore the West Base's outer boundaries just before the raid started. He can't stand Zoe's cheerfulness, can't accept Adri's attitude, but his lack of survival skills force him to follow the two idiots. Out of the three, his desperation for returning to the USW Bases is the strongest—after all, United States of the West was his only hope of ever seeing his family ever again....

In this odyssey of metal wars, bastardly rulers, past relics, mutated monsters, urban survival, and a shifting century of past and present, the Americas are stirring from their history. Along the way, three barely-teens find their way from start to finish a breathtaking adventure in our world's not-so-distant future.

-

Concerns: It is very long. And the headings like "Not a Hero" should be cut off as well, since it smells suspiciously of Riordan. As others have mentioned, the listing of the paragraph "In this odyssey of..." is telling instead of showing, and there are quite a few cliches hidden there. Also, the dating of the story is blurry.

A cover blurb doesn't need to be scary. It just needs to tell the reader that this is going to be a scary story, which I think yours does a pretty good job of. I'm not sure what makes this 'fantasy horror' over just 'horror', so if Daniel is a wizard or something then you might want to make that more explicit. Possibly you just mean that it's horror with supernatural elements?

Anyway, before I dig into your actual sentences, I thought it might be helpful (to you and the rest of this thread) to take a look at a real cover blurb. I picked one from your genre (I think), supernatural horror. Charles Straub's Ghost Story, probably the spookiest, most 'turn the lights on when you go into the livingroom at night' novel I've read in a decade.
----
In life, not every sin goes unpunished.
GHOST STORY

For four aging men in the terror-stricken town of Milburn, New York, an act inadvertently carried out in their youth has come back to haunt them. Now they are about to learn what happens to those who believe they can bury the past -- and get away with murder.
----

This isn't, in and of itself, scary. It's evocative and it tells me just what to expect: a revenge story in small-town New England with a ghost haunting its accidental murderers.

I posted this because I see a lot of people in the thread saying, "There's not enough information! Show instead of tell!" etc., which are good advice for writing but terrible advice for a cover blurb. You don't want to tell the reader everything. You want to tell the reader just enough to make them want to find out more...by buying your book!

So on to your actual blurb. I like the first paragraph, but I'd suggest changing the second half of the second sentence. I get what you're going for, I just think it could be worded better. Maybe something (and I know this is cliche, but cliches exist because they were effective enough to be copied ad nauseum) like "The turn over rate is non-existant; there's been no new blood on the staff in over a decade."

Paragraph two I'd rather see you front-load the drama ahead of the facts. He's heard the awful rumors...now he's going to work there. This would then flow better into what he finds out. Also, don't tell me that the rumors are frightening. You don't need to start characterizing Daniel yet and maybe I, the reader, am not frightened by sacrifices and brain washings. You can tell me that those are the least of the rumors, or the most benign, but my brain kind of rebels at the "Look! This is scary!"

I feel like paragraph 3 should be two sentences, just because paragraphs one and two were two sentences. You established a cadence and the final, two-word paragraph would be punchier if you kept your cadence right up to there. Maybe work the fact that someone has a plan for Daniel into the first sentence obliquely, then, in a second sentence, say that he's at the prison for just one reason...

To die. <-- I like this :) It's cheesy and horror-trite, but I love that. It's a great way to close out a cover blurb.

"shivering in the grip of the plague" should be "shivering in the grip of plague"; sorry, no edit button.

I'm not feeling the title. It doesn't tell me anything about this story.

And while this is a sequel book, you don't need to bore your reader with the events in the previous book. Maybe a brief mention, but not to the extent you've got.

I would start with the second paragraph, because that's where I got interested.

"There's a new drug that kills one in four, but leaves the other three faster, stronger, and tougher. I have been given the task of wiping this drug off the streets."

This blurb might be easier to write if you weren't writing in first person POV.

Okay, why is a crippled desposed prince given this assignment? Is it because of what happened in the previous book, and his handicap won't stop him? If so, then the prince wouldn't be worried about it while telling this to us. He'd say something like "Nothing's going to stop me from getting it done -- not my handicap, not the plague, and not the threat to my sister's life."

I don't understand the "payments to my sister's keeper." From your first sentence in your second paragraph, I assume it's the same sister, and she's in danger.

I had to read your last paragraph more than once to understand that "brother of the New Londond tradecrafter's Guild" meant he was a member.

This is my suggestion for the third paragraph, eliminating parts I find unnecessary.

"My name is Halflight. I am a thief and a blade for hire. I am the secret weapon of the City Watch. I am the desposed prince of a kingdom that murdered its noble class. This is my story."

You don't mention the woman before then, so I find the love life bit unnecessary for the book blurb. But that's just me.

The adventure part sounds cool. The drug you've created sounds awesome. But the aspect of the forbidden lover would personally make me pass, because I don't prefer stories of that nature.

However, it sounds like you've got an amazing book on your hands. Keep tweaking it. Hope this critique helps. :)

Okay, first of all... I like this a lot. I am most definitely interested in the book, and would open it prior to reading the back cover blurb.

Just a thought: The title doesn't seem to justify the book. This seems to be an action-packed, keep you on your toes kind of story, and "Snow", quite honestly, reminds me of delicate little flakes falling from the sky. Of course, a title can easily be changed; this is not a big deal.

You know, really, that's the only problem I have. I am intrigued by this blurb. Great job!

Definitely too much information. You were right in your critique of my blurb; keep it to the highlights and don't tell me the story.

What do we need to know about this book? Based on what you have here, I'm going to guess:
* Jasmine is a spoiled princess
* Trevor is a rebellious man of the faith
* Jasmine and Trevor are in love
* The queen cares more about saving face than her daughter
* Jasmine confronts her faith, her love for Trevor, and her loyalty to her mother and her country in order to decide what to do

Those are five thoughts that are critical to knowing if this is a story I care about. The first three could, probably, be combined into one or two sentences. Don't tell me how the queen over-reacts or what it is that forces Jasmine's crisis. Just tell me that she clashes with her mother over duty vs. love.

If your story starts with Jasmine and Trevor's meet-cute, or somewhere before it, then I definitely don't want to know that they're going to fall in love, she's going to go to prison, get out of prison, and so on and so forth before I even get to page 1. It works for movie trailers to show you the whole story in a 30 second burst, because a movie is only 90-120 or so minutes long, which isn't much time, in the grand scheme of things, to devote to filling in the details on a story you already know. A novel can take days or weeks to read, depending on how quickly the reader reads; that's a long time to be essentially going through the motions with a story you already know most of the events for.

There are a lot of comments on this thread about people wanting more info in blurbs. This is exactly the opposite of what you want in a blurb. You want to pare it down to the point where it has just enough information to give the reader a sense of the story without actually telling them anything important about the plot. Ideally they should come away with a bunch of questions and only one answer, to the question, "Do I want to read this book?"

You've raised a couple of questions for me -- the two most relevant being "why was Melody forced to move?" [which sounds like it could be kept out of the synopsis and introduced in the book proper in any case] and why does there seem to be an instant dislike between Melody and Jane [this I would want to see at least hinted at in the summary, because the relationship between Melody and Jane seems to be central to the story, and I feel like I should know a little more about Jane's personality than that Melody considers her to have an attitude -- Melody I've got some sense of from her description of the town of Parva].

The line "However, just when Melody is at the peak of her experience in Parva, her world unexpectedly comes crashing down. " also confuses me a little, because I haven't the least idea what experiences are peaking -- you haven't told me whether she's started to settle or not, or how well it's going, so her experience "peaking" is essentially meaningless to me.

I do really like the description of Parva versus California, though, because it does give me some sense of Melody.

To be honest, this isn't really my genre, although it sounds like something my sister would have read and enjoyed when she was 14/15.

My first thought when I read this blurb: Oh. Melody moves away with her parents. I keep reading and discover her parents are still back in California.

Don't worry about the subplots in the blurb. Focus on the main plot, which appears to a combination of the problem that sent Melody away and the issues that lay between Jane and Melody.

My suggested tweaks:

Fifteen-year-old Melody Bosworth is forced to move to her cousins' home in the small town of Parva, Louisiana. Her old life in California consisted of coffee and shopping on every corner -- this new one has...a barn. In addition, Melody now has to attend a private school with both snooty students and teachers.

Jane is the only one of Melody's cousins who does not welcome her arrival. The tension between them escalates when Melody steals Jane's crush.

Melody jumps at the chance to escape the drama of Parva for a mission trip in California. She has the opportunity while there to beg her parents to let her come back home. But is Parva the place where Melody will find the help she needs?

Hope this helps!

I found this very intriguing.

Few notes:
-Too much plot: I don't think there is too much plot at all. Just enough.
-Too detailed: No not at all.
-Is it boring: No, I was hooked by the first sentence.
-Central dilemma: I believe the dilemma is trying to save the Lady of Shalott while England is in a state of chaos. Am I right?
-Cliche "deepest fears": I found it an excellent hook as well.
Only problem: "Every legend has grain of fact..." That seemed severely misplaced; it almost turned me off the book. I would just take it out completely. End on "a young shepherd's impossible romance." Probably weird of me, but just letting you know.

All and all, I really liked this! I would read your novel based on this blurb. Fantastic job!

First of all, I'm a huge fan of everything Arthurian and I would probably scoop this up in a heartbeat.

Some thoughts --I actually disagree with luckyomally, and I'd say ax the second to last sentence, but keep the last one, perhaps as a new paragraph. It feels too "out of the story" and the courage, sacrifice, and romance have already been implied by the rest of the summary, so it feels repetitive as well.

I don't feel like it's too detailed, and I certainly don't think you've given me too much plot. I'm not 100% sure what Artur's central dilemma is, although you've definitely set up the idea of a romance and trying to make that happen in spite of the chaos going on around them. "Conquer his deepest fears" may be a little cliche, but I'm not sure who you should replace it with.

I should have just made the concerns box my blurb :|

Okay, to address the blurb and your concerns at the same time:

I'm going to assume that the novel's in first person and that the title is from his point of view. I'll warn you now it's not a title that I'd pick up in the first place, but I'm not good with titles in the first place so I have nothing to offer as an alternative. But the blurb grabs me a little as an introduction to the character -- is it a quote from the book? If you feel like it captures the character, could you use it as a quoted first paragraph and then switch to third to give a more plot-oriented introduction to the book [and perhaps a more objective view of Scipio]. I happen to rather like first person fantasy and unreliable narrators intrigue me, so I might take a look at the first page if that was the blurb on the back, but having no sense of the plot would frustrate me.

What strikes me most about your blurb is that it lacks conflict. I think it's fine to write in the first person if you include quotations. But I would give the character some sort of challenge. Judging from your "concerns" box, there is a LOT of conflict happening in the book. So I would find a way to incorporate that into your blurb.

I would also like a motivation to read about a character that you consider to be "completely useless as anything other than a packmule." Will I be laughing at him throughout the book? Is he an antihero? If you don't like your main character, then I need to know why I should spend a whole book with him. :)

It sounds like a very interesting book, at least to me. I can't really say much about the title, as I'd need to see the whole book to give you a better one. If you're in need of a editor for the book, I'm willing to look it over for you.

Not my type of book, but I think I can help with your blurb.

Harley Black is a runaway psychic who is comfortable pretending he's a fake. Despite what his friends think, he is not a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades.

Though he's never seen her before, Harley reembers a girl who thinks she's Hera. And whether or not Harley believes in the Titans, they certainly believe in him.

Will Harley be forced to run again?

The title is cliche, but the synopsis isn't (at least, I don't think it is... I haven't read enough of the genre to know). I wish I had some tips for changing the title, but I'm awful at coming up with names and titles and whatnot. I would just try to make the blurb flow better. Try telling somebody the synopsis as you would a friend or family member who asks you what it's about, and have them type or write down what you say. That can always be revised if there are fragments or anything, and it will sound more natural and flowing.

It's an interesting story concept, but it's got kind of a "kids running around high school" feel, something that would probably make me look for something else to read. If your story is actually like this, then great, your blurb reflects that and you'll probably have a large target audience. If it's not, much of your target audience will be sitting in a corner cringing.

I'm also not sure what this sentence means: "a psychic who will hint that he's a fake even while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head." I think I'm finally starting to understand that he actually hears dead people, but it's taken me a while. :) Also, it seems kind of weird that he would believe that he could do this, and not even question that he's Hades when everyone else seems so sure about it. There are also a lot of "excepts" in the blurb and it's kind of jumpy. I also think maybe you should mention what's at stake if they lose the battle in the end.

Hm, I'm not sure what would make a good title for this either, or how to fit Zeus into the description. Sorry. Maybe I'm not the best person to critique this, as this sort of genre isn't really my thing. :) Hope I helped a little.

Sorry, please critique this one, this is the revised version, and the one above is the rough draft.

1962 has been turning out to be a tempestuous year, to say the least. From the Cold War to the Vietnam War, and the Civil Rights Movement to the early years of rock, Things As They Are are changing almost daily.

Meanwhile on Tybee Island, GA, Ramona Cecilia Dahle is beginning her Junior year. She has taken classical cello for a decade, and has even been offered two scholarships because of her playing. All it takes was two words, and all of that goes away, and it becomes up to her to change Things As They Are in her corner of the universe.

However, change does not come easily, even with the help of the musical genius that sits next to Ramona in orchestra and a refreshingly understanding music history teacher. Through all the dynamic changes going on in the world around her, will Ramona be able to do anything at all?

Based on the poem "The Man With the Blue Guitar" by Wallace Stevens.

I wouldn't say angsty. Maybe cliche, but I'm biased against werewolves for no reasons that are your problem.

Instead of the line about turning into a beast on the full moon, I'd recommend just "...disturbing secret: he's a werewolf." You'd then need to replace 'werewolf' with something else in the sentence two further on. Also, instead of "Suddenly, Leon is..." I'd go with "Now, Leon will be..."

It sounds rather cliche, but I'm sure there are probably things in here that would differentiate it from similar works. Because I like the added charm of having a crime involved in it, I would probably take a look at this - go to a library and read through it, and if it clicks with me, I'd purchase it.

MrBadgerPants basically stated all of my critiques.

Why can't you just put commons? Robot, Demon, Dracula
It seems implausible to have a title that would have to be written on separate lines, how would it even go on the spine of the book?

Much better!

I don't like the last line, but other than that, it looks good!

I feel like a lot of what you gained in having less fluff, you lost in flow. I would probably add more to this- what's unique about your storyworld? I think also that the line about stealing the most valuable book in New London should remain in- just not the middle part. Use the extra space you've gained to tell us about the really meaty parts of your novel. :)

I posted my critique below this, and I thought it was in reply, but apparently not, so *curse you lack of an edit button!* /rant.

Oh, I also friended you, as I'm always looking for new writing buddies, and I am a massive Doctor Who fan. Haha. :)

Hey Harlow. Welcome to the thread! :) Haha, don't worry, there aren't any real rules here, just guidelines.

Well, erotic fiction isn't really my thing... do you have a censored version? Otherwise I may not be able to help you in the way that you want me to.

I'd like to at least direct people who are interested in your concept to your Novel info. The blurb you posted here and the one you posted there are quite different, and I would be interested to know which one people who are interested in your novel like better, or if they think the two can be combined in a more effective way.

You have a good point in suggesting that I stay away from things I'm not interested in- I give much better reviews when I am really into a novel concept. I have given the novel excerpt you posted a glance, but like I said, it's not really my thing. So other than asking that one question I will respect your wishes and stay out of your genre, unless you want me to do otherwise. :)

Oh. :) I forgot to mention that I'm really glad you're on the thread. I've enjoyed reading your critiques in other threads and enjoy the fresh perspective that you bring. And I also really love your bio: "I write things that piss people off. Have a good day." :D

Hm, well reading over your excerpt, it seems to me that there are a lot of romantic elements in your story. This would be a lot more gripping for me if you framed it around your actual hero and heroine. I suggest that you open with the premise of your novel, from the POV of your hero and heroine. I define the premise as the idea that got you really excited about writing this in the first place. Then put a couple of sentences in the middle about the world in which your characters live. How is it different from any other fantasy world? You have fantasy creatures and they're fighting each other, but that's the plot for pretty much every fantasy novel ever written. Show us how your world is different. Then, grab us at the end with a twist- something that makes us question everything we've learned thus far. So- premise, setup, twist. :)

For examples on how to do this, see:
http://marilynnbyerly.com/blurb.html