Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:10:57 -0700

It's hard to write a good novel if you don't really know what it's about. :) Here's your chance to show off your story premise and get feedback about what works and what doesn't. Submission guidelines: 1. Make it around 3-4 short paragraphs, though you can submit something longer if it works. Just make sure it would fit on the back cover of a novel, and keep in mind that shorter is usually better- you want to leave your reader wanting more, not give away the whole story. 2. Here's a suggested format for submitting: Title of the novel: Genre: Back cover blurb: Concerns: Keep the last one short, a max of 4 sentences. 3. For reviewing, answer one or more of the following questions, as well as anything you come up with: For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? 4. If you're going to ask for a critique, post at least one critique. Even if it's just "I would read this, it sounds interesting" or "Sorry, this genre isn't really my thing," that's helpful. 5. Have fun! :D

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:12:18 -0700

I'll go first. :) 1. Title of the novel- I'm debating between Deathwatch and Titanheart. 2. Genre- Science Fiction/Fantasy 3. Back cover blurb: Kara Clayton never knew her parents. Her mother was murdered and her father abandoned the family just after her sister turned eighteen. Ever since then, everything has gone wrong in Kara's life. Her brother drinks and spends his spare hours largely at gunpoint. Even so, Kara doesn't realize what she has until she loses it. She awakens in a new world, in a different body. The scientist in charge of her care is only a few months older than she is. With no time to process, she is immediately drafted into war. But this is a world where science fiction is barely distinguishable from reality. War doesn't mean what it used to. With the willingness to succumb to the forces around her, Kara can remain safe- and happy- in this technological paradise. Yet paradise comes with the price of ignorance, and this world is not all that it seems. 4. Concerns: Some of the wording in the summary seems awkward, such as the brother spending hours "largely" at gunpoint, and some of the details seem strange. Also, I'm worried that people will think my story premise is unlikely. Is this a problem for you, or is it mild enough for there to be a suspension of disbelief? Also, which title do you think is better, and do you think I should save the second title for my second novel?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:05:21 -0700

Okay guys, try mine? :) By the way, the synopsis on my profile is the same as a blurb kind of thing so... yeah... Title of the novel: The Lying Division Genre: Fantasy (Young Adult) Back cover blurb: Sixteen-year-old Klyte is the reluctant new recruit of the Lying Division. His job is to keep the peasants content by twisting the truth, but it's not that simple. Visere says everything they do is legal, but Visere’s a Liar. And a killer. Within days, Klyte sees just how good the Liars are at their job. The King always has his way, and everyone who opposes him are 'persuaded' otherwise. Any whisper of rebellion results in a mass interrogation. Any vigilantes looking for a revolt are supposed to be stamped out. But they aren't. And they will kill for freedom. Then Klyte realises that his worst fear shouldn't be the vigilantes. It shouldn't be the impending civil war. It should be the person right under his nose, smiling that knowing smile and twirling a knife behind his back. Concerns: Too little info, maybe? And um... well... it's cliche *sobs*

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Christina Huling — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:23:39 -0700

Title: love it and would definitely pick it up to read the back cover. Summary: I'd like to get more information, even a glimpse, of the world this takes place in. At first, I thought it was modern, but then there were peasants, and a king, and it was a little confusing. Also, I thought some of the second paragraph was unnecessary. In particular, the line that starts "any whisper of rebellion" seemed kind of extraneous. Maybe a super-fast explanation of who Visere is should be added. Something like (I'm guessing who Visere is), "Visere, his commander, says..." would make things clearer. Also, why is he reluctant to be a member of the Lying Division? (i.e. are they somehow infamous, etc.)? And Klyte sees how good Liars are at their job, but they aren't actually stamping out vigilantes and rebellion? And (this is me being really picky) I don't know if "right under his nose" is good phrasing for the end, especially since we don't know who you mean (although I'm guessing Visere). If my guess is right, I suggest changing it to somethIng like "right in front of him," because, to me at least, "right under his nose" sort of implies he's higher than them on the food chain. Also, the last paragraph was the first mention of the im

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:00:54 -0700

Title of the novel: (Untitled) Genre: Adventure, YA, Sci-fi Back cover blurb: For as long as Adri remembers, she has the supernatural ability to control objects with her mind. And for as long as she remembers, she resented this ability. In her time, such powers are dangerous in the kingdom of Kroling, where mass hangings occur daily for the wicked "deforms." Her whole life is dedicated to escaping the much-feared Pawns, traveling from town to city to town. At thirteen, however, her luck is about to run out when she is kidnapped by two strangers from the other side of the Mississippi River. In this odyssey of metal wars, bastardly rulers, past relics, mutated monsters, urban survival, and a shifting century of past and present, the Americas are stirring from their history. Along the way, three barely-teens find their way from start to finish a breathtaking adventure in our world's not-so-distant future. Concerns: This was supposed to be much longer, covering two other main characters as well. But then they were cut from the summary because of repetition. That's where the "three barely-teens" come from. Also, I don't think people can tell that it's sci-fi just by looking at the blurb. It is also very confusing, I think, because of the info-dump-that-explains-nothin'. And there's also the matter about the title. And lots of other things. Yep. Critique? (As truthfully as you can~ Please?)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 04:20:30 -0700

Title: Arcadia Genre: Fantasy Horror Blurb: Arcadia State Prison is one of the best in the country. The turn over rate is non-existant and no one has been sent to work there in over a decade. Daniel Montgomery has just recieved notice that he is to trasfer to Arcadia. He has heard the rumors: blood sacrifices, brain-washing ...and those are the least frightening. He is about to find out that Arcadia is far more than anything he could have imagined and he has been sent there for a specific purpose. To die. Concerns: It's definitely a horror fantasy ...but it's not scary ...don't know how to fix that. Make it scarier or just leave it.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:24:17 -0700

Title: Snow Note: This is a sequel novel. Blurb: A year ago my friends and I stole the most valuable book in New London--in all the Territories, most like--out from under the Executor's nose; shut down the renegade Guild of thugs, murderers, and degenerates run by the blackmailer and all-around sadist Leadletter; and managed to mostly come out of it with our lives. Leadletter's gone to ground since his Presses fell, but his lieutenants haven't stopped trying to put a knife in my sister's neck. Meantime, there's a new drug making the back-alley rounds that kills one in four as try it, only to leave the other three faster, stronger, and tougher than they've any right to be. Commandant Bander wants me to track it back to its source and wipe it off the streets. Except I'm near to crippled from a half-botched bank job, the city is shivering in the grip of the plague, and I still have to scrape together enough dosh to keep up payments to my sister's keeper. My name is Halflight. I'm a brother of the New London tradecrafters' Guild: a thief, a robber, an assassin, and a blade for hire. I'm also the City Watch's newest secret weapon, the lover of a woman who can hardly bear to be touched, and the deposed prince of a kingdom that murdered its noble class to the man. It's not a good summer to be me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 09:21:11 -0700

Title: The Test of True Love Genre: Christian Romance Back cover blurb: Jasmine was a spoiled princess who was always right until she met Trevor, a clergyman unafraid to tell the truth. Trevor makes a habit of condemning the Queen, a crime punishable by death. Intrigued by his beliefs and the honesty that could get him killed, Jasmine keeps meeting the young man. But when the two fall in love, Jasmine is forced to reveal her secret relationship and her new faith to her mother, the Queen. Angry at Jasmine's deceit, the Queen throws her daughter in prison to change the stubborn girl's mind. It is in the cells of the dungeons that Jasmine learns the depths of her faith and the strength of her love for her intended...and her mother. When she is released from the dungeon, Jasmine recalls Trevor's admonishments about forgiveness. Her determination to forgive the Queen becomes a struggle when she learns of a loved one's death at the Queen's hand. Jasmine soon faces a choice. She can honor her mother and marry a groom she's never met, or honor her love for Trevor and refuse the match, insulting the temperamental Queen in the process. Concerns: I had this blurb critiqued several times in October. No one was satisfied with it. Either I gave too much information away or didn't give enough. I'd talk about what happened to Trevor and get blasted. I'd take it out and people would wonder about him. This is the best version I've got, but it's not right, either. Help?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

luckyomally — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:02:26 -0700

Title of the novel: Melody's Home Genre: YA/Mainstream fiction Back cover blurb: When fifteen-year-old Melody Bosworth is forced to move to her cousins' home in the small town Parva, Louisiana for a semester, she is less than excited. Her old life in California consisted of coffee and shopping on every corner - this new one has, well, a barn. Regardless, her cousins are excited to have her there, all except Jane, a sixteen-year-old with an attitude. In addition, Melody now has to attend a judging private school with snooty teachers and even snootier students; although, most are intrigued by the new girl with long blonde hair and trendy clothes. The tension between Jane and Melody gets worse when Melody steals Jane's crush. However, just when Melody is at the peak of her experience in Parva, her world unexpectedly comes crashing down. Coincidentally, she has the opportunity to go back to California for a youth mission trip. Will Melody convince her parents to take her back in while there? Or will she decide to stay in Parva, finding help in one of the most unforeseen places? Concerns: It might be too long, too short... not concise enough? There are lots of subplots within this one plot, but I tried to stay as close to the actual plot as possible. Any constructive criticism with be must appreciated.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Learned — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:14:05 -0700

TITLE: The Lady of Shalott GENRE: YA, speculative, historical fiction BLURB: Artur is afraid of the dark, and for good reason. He lives in a mud hut near Stonehenge, a mystical and ghostly place. Strange lights are seen in the sky, and ancient kings and wizards are rumored to lie buried somewhere, neither dead nor alive. One day, deep in the woods, Artur strikes up a conversation with a disembodied voice. It is the Lady of Shalott, a creature who has never been seen by human eyes. She is doomed to live alone and watch the world in her magic mirror. As England descends into madness and war, Artur must conquer his deepest fears to learn the truth about the mysterious woman in her invisible tower and risk everything to save her if he can. The Lady of Shalott is a story of courage, sacrifice, and a young shepherd's impossible romance. Every legend has a grain of fact ... CONCERNS: Too much plot? Too detailed? Is it boring? Do you understand what the main character's central dilemma is? How cliched is "conquer his deepest fears"?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:42:12 -0700

Title of the novel: Flawless Genre: I really have no idea. Back cover blurb: I am perfect in every regard; this is an undeniable fact. My father is the late Daimeon Warnout, more commonly known as the Serpent King and my mother is the god of trickery, Jailinus. This alone makes me superior to the mindless rabble that surrounds me. I am completely flawless. Concerns: The blurb has nothing to do with the actual content of the book. The book itself is the second in a saga about a group of clones of the gods. Said clones developed their own minds and decided, Hey we're over powered! LET'S GO KILL US SOME GODS!! Eventually they were fended off, but only after ridiculous amounts of negotiating that ended with them gaining possession of two out of three god-forged weapons. This one follows the exploits of Scipio, who is such a narcissist that he pretty much fails to help anyone do anything until the very end when the BigBad kills his father and he goes berserk. He is not so much flawless as completely useless as anything other than a packmule.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:02:55 -0700

Title of the novel: Olympian Genre: YA Urban Fantasy Back cover blurb: Harley Black is a runaway, a self-confessed freak, and a psychic who will hint that he's a fake even while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head. He is not, whatever Zac Celles and his crazy friends think, a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades. Except he remembers the girl who thinks she's Hera, though he's never seen her before in his life. Except that something's coming, and whether or not Harley believes in the Titans, the Titans believe he's Hades. Concerns: I'm not a huge fan of the title, especially considering it was debatable if Hades was an Olympian in the first place. There are a couple of things that aren't clear -- like that Zac's Zeus -- and I'm really not a fan of the last paragraph/sentence. Also I threw the thing together fairly quickly fairly late in the month, and I'm not sure it flows.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:50:33 -0700

Title of the novel: Things As They Are Genre: YA (sub genre is Historical Fiction) Back cover blurb: 1962 was a tempestuous year, to say the least. From the Cold War to the Vietnam War, and the Civil Rights Movement to the early years of rock, Things As They Are were changing almost daily. Meanwhile on Tybee Island, GA, Ramona Cecilia Dahle is beginning her Junior year. She has taken classical cello for a decade, and even has been offered two scholarships because of her playing. All it took was two words, and all of that went away, and it became up to her to change Things As They Are in her corner of the universe. However, change does not come easily, even with the help of the musical genius that sits next to Ramona in orchestra and a refreshingly understanding music history teacher. Through all the changes going on in the world around her, will Ramona be able to change anything at all? Based on the poem "The Man With the Blue Guitar" by Wallace Stevens. Concerns: The title seems like it could be cliche, and it doesn't fit the story as well as I think it could. Also, I just think the blurb it could be better written, but I'm unsure of what needs fixing and what doesn't.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

miss mellifluous — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:11:51 -0700

Here's a suggested format for submitting: Title of the novel: Cruel Gaze Genre: Mainstream fiction Back cover blurb: Leon is an antisocial man with a haunting past and a disturbing secret. Every month on the full moon, he becomes a beast. This ailment leads him to live on his own in the secluded mountain town of Winsrow Grove, where the people keep to themselves and life is quiet. One night, the young werewolf finds himself suspected of a crime he cannot remember if he committed. Suddenly, Leon is thrust back into the world he sought to forget, a world of corrupt agencies, fraud, violence, and death. Concerns: I'm worried it sounds a little angsty and cliche, and I know if I saw something that came off that way I wouldn't want to read it!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:46:46 -0700

Warning to all travellers of my blurb: It's not a good book. I'm just putting this in for fun. Just judge the blurb and forget the fact that there's an actual book to go along with it. Title of the novel: ROBOT DEMON DRACULA (a fantasy pie) (Yes, each is on a different line. The reason for this is because it's not about ONE thing (Robot Demon Dracula), it's three. Dracula is not a robot demon. The book contains a ROBOT, a DEMON, and DRACULA, among other things. Trust me, it's actually better than my discarded, tentative ideas. I came up with this after finishing. Originally it was "Fantasy Power Ladyland", or "To Be Announced", and then it was just "Fantasy Pie". ) Genre: Fantasy (I'm just gonna call it Fantasy because that's a really broad genre and my book is nonsense to begin with) Back cover blurb: (exactly how it appears on the CreateSpace cover) The gang's all here. Heroes, Villains, a robot. Two robots, in fact. Concerns: Now, I like parts of my book to some extent, but I didn't bother writing a blurb that tells anything about the story. I don't know why. Telling about the story (or should I say "story") doesn't seem to fit my book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:38:35 -0700

I figured I'd start a new top-level for this since that's the way of revisions in the other critique threads. So, title/copy take deux: Title: Blood & Snow Note: This is a sequel novel. Genre: Fantasy/Action/Alternative History Blurb: Leadletter’s gone to ground since his Presses fell a year ago but that hasn’t stopped his lieutenants trying to put a knife in my sister’s neck. Meantime, there’s a new drug making the back-alley rounds that kills one in four as try it, only to leave the other three faster, stronger, and tougher than they’ve any right to be. Commandant Bander wants me to track it to its source and wipe it off the streets. It won’t be easy with New London shivering in the grip of plague, but doing the right thing rarely is. My name is Halflight. I’m a tradesman – a thief, robber, assassin, and blade for hire; I’m also the City Watch’s newest secret weapon and heir to a kingdom whose citizens murdered every noble they could get their hands on. It isn’t a good summer to be me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

meltingcrayons1290 — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:19:26 -0700

Title of the novel: Turn to Stone Genre: YA Paranormal Romance Back cover blurb: When Keira and her friends spend the night in an abandoned, supposedly haunted boarding school, they get way more than they bargained for. They see no ghosts, but Keira has a vivid and disturbing dream which, though she doesn't realize it at first, is actually a memory of a past life. Gradually she realizes that in this past life, she was a student at the boarding school... the same student who is rumored to haunt its empty hallways. That only leaves three questions that need answering. Who murdered her? Why? And are they still hunting her down? Because it sure seems like it...and she'll do anything to keep the second chance at life she's been given. Concerns: I'm worried it sounds just like every other paranormal romance...or that it doesn't have ENOUGH romance. O_o BTW: I got aspects of the plot from the adoption society! Awesome forum... :D Thanks to whoever posted that idea!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:30:44 -0700

Here's a site that might be helpful for you and some of the other romantic writers: http://marilynnbyerly.com/blurb.html. It gives examples of some of the back cover copy the author has used and the format she uses for it. There's a particular blurb which she posts which I think is especially useful for you and this genre, so I'm copying it here: ______ ALEXA WEST thinks she's found a man who loves her, but another man, JUSTIN LORD, woos her with an outlandish tale-- they have loved and married for their last twelve reincarnations, and he will allow no other man to marry her in their thirteenth. Is Justin's story lunacy, a line, or a love that spans the ages? Determined to win her by making her remember, dynamic Justin romances Alexa by restaging and retelling their past lives and their loves. But he doesn't tell her she has rivals for his love, and she is all twelve. _____ See what the author does here? She opens with a hook- the premise for her story. And then she introduces the leading love interests- termed in romance as the hero and heroine- right off the bat. Then she backloads the story with a twist- just when we think we have this figured out. This is paranormal after all, so the first paragraph leads us to expect that she should end up with Justin, because we have every reason to believe his story is true. But the last paragraph throws us a curveball, making the stakes higher for Alexa. If she chooses wrong, she'll get a scumbag- and true love will lose- which in romance is the ultimate tragedy. What this shows us is that in romance, obviously the heroine and hero are central to the story. Which means that to get to your target audience, you've got to throw flags out at them, flags that say, "Hey, this is a romance novel, and it's really good!" I see no evidence of a romantic plot in your blurb. So I think you need to tell us who your main characters are and why they're in love. If you're a romance writer, you should be able to reply to this critique with plenty of ideas about this. Don't worry about putting it in blurb form yet; just write out all your feelings about the characters. Then determine if they're really in love, and *why.* Does he feel the need to protect her? Does her heart flutter every time she sees him? Then figure out what's unexpected about your novel. For the opening, figure out what the premise is for your novel- that original idea that grabbed you in the start and said *aha!* this is worth writing. For the ending, figure out some kind of twist. What makes your story different from other paranormal romances? I think in this case, it should have something to do with the paranormal element, just as it did in the blurb above. Maybe the twist is that she expects that the killer is in fact the person she's falling in love with again. That could make a really interesting premise. Anyway, if you respond to those questions: opening hook, paranormal element, romantic characters and characteristics, and ending twist to my post, I and the others can critique what you come up with. Finally, I would suggest going through one or two of the other blurbs and responding to the different story ideas. You'll get a sense of what does and doesn't work for you- what you like- and also, the key to getting really good reviews is to give good reviews in return. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:49:52 -0700

Title of the novel: The Road to Hell Genre: Mainstream Fiction/Romance/Noir Fiction (the Uncensored version qualifies as Erotic Fiction) Back cover blurb: A stone cold killer... A mysterious singer... A hellish love birthed... And pasts that threaten to end it all. Business is business, and Everett Belvidere's business is killing. With his trusty guns in hand, he is sent on a job that seems just as routine as any other. He soon finds out that it isn't, when his target is a beautiful singer that seems to be just as good with a gun as he is, and makes him botch his own job. The two soon take each other on a downward spiral involving revenge, murder, seduction, corrupt politicians, dirty cops and sordid pasts that they both struggle to keep secret from everyone - including each other. Concerns: I know it might be against the rules, but whatever. If this genre holds no interest to you, and if you don't think that you'd even give this a glance, do not critique this unless you think that it's something that is so awesome that you might give it a shot, or if you think your revision will be that helpful that it may sway you if I make your edits. I figure that if this is not your genre, you won't read it anyway, so I generally don't bother marketing things to people who won't read outside of their genre.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lala Land — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:42:41 -0700

My turn! XD Title: A Heaven In Hell Genre: Fantasy (subgenres are Romance, Historic, Horror) Blurb: The war has never changed. For thousands of years, the Elan have managed to fend off the Larek, battling them during the hours of the night on Earth, then returning to Amary during the day. But now there are more Larek crawling out of the fiery depths of Tarmak, new species emerging, the threat increasing. The Elan are forced to send more warriors to the mortal world, to prevent the second battle that may be nigh. But there are darker tales abound, when an Elan saves the life of a Larek. When hidden truths are brought to light. When phantoms and shades of the past emerge once more. The war shall never be the same again. Concerns: Is it gripping? Does it make sense at all? Would you be interested enough to open the book and read the first chapter, or the first page at least?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:30:16 -0700

Starting a new thread on my edited blurb. Title: The Test of True Love Alternative Titles: Jasmine's Choice, Honor Thy Mother Blurb: Jasmine was a spoiled princess who was always right until she met Trevor, a clergyman unafraid to tell the truth. Trevor makes a habit of condemning the Queen, a crime punishable by death. Intrigued by his beliefs and the honesty that could get him killed, Jasmine keeps meeting the young man. But when the two fall in love, Jasmine is forced to reveal her secret relationship and her new faith to her mother, the Queen. Angry at Jasmine's deceit, the Queen throws her daughter in prison to change the stubborn girl's mind. It is in the cells of the dungeons that she learns both the depths of her faith and the strength of her love...for her mother. --- Am I done? What else am I missing?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

TwilightSparkle — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:51:23 -0700

Title: The Toys Genre: Mainstream Fiction/Mystery/Thriller Blurb: "You have two options. Return to prison, or join the Toys." "The Toys? That sounds a little kinky." Houston observes. Quinn Cyrus and Houston Montgomery weren't normal. On the run since childhood, the two are the closest of friends and have turned their back on the world. But when Cyrus decides to reopen the case file from the mass slaughter of her family, the two are caught for hacking by the FBI, and given the choice to join the 'Island of Misfit Toys', a group of teenage outcasts who do the undercover work nobody else wants, or return to prison. Along with Jethro Goodwin, an attractive runaway from New Jersey who wants to be loved, Ernie Foghorn, a Hawaiian surfer who just wants to be appreciated, and Raven Watson, the adopted beautiful blonde daughter of a mixed race gay couple who just wants her mom, Cyrus and Houston must stop a complicated assassination plot that may have a bit more to do with her family's murder than she expected. And then Cyrus gets a new fly in her ointment: Motherhood. Concerns: I'm pretty bad at writing blurbs. There's a much better one on my novel info, if anyone's interested.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Anahlynn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:39:18 -0700

Title of the novel: Rebel Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller Back cover blurb: When Jack's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he realizes that all hope for a life off the desolate planet Stat-9 is gone. He flees to the only safe haven left: the home of his donor father, a wealthy man and head of the most controversial organization on Stat-9, the Marxis. Jack is offered a choice: spend his days running from the government, or join Marxis and find out the real reasons for his parent's death. With nothing left to lose, he accepts, posing as secretary to Liam Wentworth, the Marxis Presidential Candidate. But the life of a secret agent isn't what he thought it was. Instead of uncovering the truth about his parent's violent death, Jack now spends his days writing notes and running tea orders to five different locations. And then he gets his first real assignment: Infiltrate the current President's Cabinet. From teaboy to coffee boy, Jack is sent to spy on the President, sabotage a rival candidate's campaign, and serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream. But the killings start again, and Jack can't ignore the strange link between recent murders and his parents death. Jack needs to identify the Government's plan before his obituary makes headlines. Concerns: To wordy. I'm quite bad at writing blurbs, and I tend to explain everything except what's important. Oh and typos. I'm the queen of typos. Someone told me that, "serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream," should be pulled out, but I think it should stay because it's one of the few times we hear Jack's voice.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 07:10:01 -0700

Two books in the same world, but slightly different... genre is too strong, more like slightly different flavors. Title of the novel: Wolfbound Genre: Low/Urban fantasy or Supernatural Back cover blurb: Eileen has always known she was crazy; after all, normal human beings don't think the way she does.When a car accident takes away her main coping mechanism, she despairs of ever being normal or sane again. But help comes from the most unlikely of places -- a young boy with the power to turn into a wolf. Could it be that she’s not crazy at all? Could werewolves really exist? Concerns: Is it too generic? Too short? ------ Title of the novel: The Hunt Genre: Urban fantasy Back cover blurb:He doesn’t have a name. He doesn’t have a past. All he knows is what he is – a hound of faerie, a traitor, and a runaway. But when someone under his protection is taken from him, he’ll have to face the world he left behind: the magical land of Aelfheim. Concerns: Same as above, basically.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Smartiez101 — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:07:28 -0700

I came up with a title that perfectly matched the story 'Below'. However, while writing plot changes happened and yada yada, well, the title doesn't really fit as much anymore... Title: Below Genre: Adventure (subgenres... I don't know, you tell me) Back Cover Blurg: All across the country, people of all ages with mutations are being rounded up and worked underground as slaves. Four mutants, 15 year old Kristen, 16 year old Ben, 9 year old Lea, and 13 year old Nick have a plan to escape. And escape they do, running into a new friend, Raevin, along the way. However, they also have met Mr. J, who kills and can't be killed. Mr. J has a knack for taking over the world (don't all villains?) and has decided that he only can if 9 year old Lea joins his army. The five don't trust him, and refuse, but that just makes Mr. J mad. After fist fights, hit and runs, hired thugs, and even a fight in a hotel's hallway, the five mutants are tired and depressed, but Mr. J is just getting started. Concerns: The blurb is cheesy and (at least to me) not very catchy. Also, the title. Ohhhh, the title has been my weak spot from the first plot change. At first it worked very well, then even decently, but after a few times after /that/... not so much.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:31:31 -0700

TITEL: Lovely, Old Things GENRE: Paranormal. BLURB: "World pull your sodding shit together!" Traumatized by a near drowning experience at the age of six, Laura Ebbens has grown up to become a principled, young archaeoligist with a quirky fasination for old things. She is a scaredy cat, with a compelling and antagonistical curiosity, that never seems to work in her favour, and when she arrives in the non-eventful Darwenwood for an excavation, her inqusitiv mind responds with a bout of the dreaded cabin fever. But when the mysterious and seemingly troubled, Tom, shows up in Darwenwood, on the run from "the past and the future," Laura's curiosity sparkles to life again. For some reason she can't explain, the handsome stranger is annoingly familliar. And not just that; each time she looks at him, she gets a peciluar feeling of both danger and safety. Determined to uncover Tom's secret, Laura convinces him to stay in town. But when she finally realizes why Tom looks so familliar, Laura's whole world, and everything she belived to know about life and death, is turned upside down. Before she knows, Tom has disaperaed and Laura is dragged into a mystery together with a charming but probably lethal man from Tom's past. CONCERN: I'm concerned it may be a bit long... Also my grammar sometimes run amok and rebells...

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Anahlynn — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:54:58 -0700

Okay! Back again, and hopefully with a better blurb. Title: Rebel Genre: Sci-fi Thriller Blurb: After Jack's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he is given a choice: a life of running and hiding with no food, no shelter, or join the controversial organization, Marxis, and discover the real reaons for his parent's death. With nothing left to lose, he accepts. But the life of a secret agent isn't what he thought it was. Instead of uncovering the truth about his parent's violent death, Jack now spends his days writing notes and running tea orders to five different locations. And then he gets his first real assignment: Infiltrate the current President's Cabinet. From teaboy to coffee boy, Jack is sent to spy on the President, sabotage a rival candidate's campaign, and serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream. But the killings start again, and Jack can't ignore the strange link between recent murders and his parents death. Nor can he ignore the disappearances of several colleagues, including sweet-talking Farrah, a young spy with nothing to gain and all to lose. Jack needs to identify the Government's plan before his obituary makes headlines. Concerns: Again, still too wordy. And dull.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

The Pelican Maze — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:31:57 -0700

Title: Thoughts and Symbols Genre: Literary fiction Eli Behrmann is a student working in the university of the fictitious European independent state of Niederstadt. He believes that mathematics and his own naive laws of nature can be applied to a wide range of fields of study - including ethics and human behavior. But at the same time some of Eli's colleagues struggle to convince the people of Niederstadt of a looming crisis, and Eli's own personal fortunes fall and rise due to circumstances he cannot foresee. Can Eli square his world of ideals and virtues with the real world? Does he change his way of viewing the world - and should he? Concerns: The title I am not completely sure of right now. It used to be "Signs and Symbols" but then I found out that was also the name of a notable Vladimir Nabokov short story, and at the very least I don't want to create confusion. The blurb might be a bit terse.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SushiSushi — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:02:40 -0700

Title of the novel: Thorns in the jam jar Genre: Fantasy/Mainstream fiction Back cover blurb: When Cassandra Lacroix falls through a patch of orange in her ceiling, she finds herself in the strange reality of Section Seven. Where smiles are discouraged, food is fiendish, and clowns are haunting; Cassie soon learns the ways of a Section Seven inhabitant, living in fear, unnerved by rumours of their ruler. But who is HE? This illusive luminary whom people do not speak of. Cassie wants to find out. After all, how can she fear what she doesn't know? Concerns: Not too sure about the name, also wondering what kind of impression the blurb gives :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Ash Hawthorne — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:52:05 -0700

Title: Journal of the Survivors Genre: Young Adult Fiction Back Cover Blurb: Eighteen year old Kyra Leigh North just wants to survive. Well, that and to know what was in “The Cure” that changed cancer patients into zombies. Since her family and best friends had Turned, Kyra’s been on the run looking for answers along with a crazy team of zombie hunters. When in the heat of a battle the zombie hunters appear to be on the losing side when a mysterious fellow steps in. Tall, dark, and completely kick-butt, the zombie hunters quickly join ranks with this loud mouthed, secretive boy named Trace who has a shadowed & haunted past and who knows an unusual amount about the undead around them. Trace wants to understand how “The Cure” made people Turn just as much as Kyra does if not more, and as the clock ticks away, his search becomes more and more desperate. How long will Trace, Kyra, and the other zombie hunters be able to survive in this world surrounded by death and an existence much, much worse? Concerns: My original blurb was really long so I shortened it. I'm worried about whether or not I cut out too much or if I should take out more.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

AsbesdosMoth — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:17:37 -0700

Title of the novel: The Locust Head or Palace of Sand. Haven't decided which. Genre: Fantasy/Horror Back cover blurb: The world lies in ruin, drained of its soul and purpose, its people left without their gods to guide them. Heaven has toppled, and a new god has arisen to sit upon the throne of creation - the Locust Head, the dreaded insect god, who devoured the soul of the world. Throughout the mortal realm, evil wizards, desperate killers and ruthless tyrants find themselves in constant struggle, fighting an endless war to reign supreme over the remnants of the earth. In the midst of the ceaseless conflict, one man, the Mage Kazernein, journies alone through the desert land of Tzemadra, a nation of madness and strange magic, where men hunt gods for sport, and strange beings haunt the sand. Kazernein walks on through the bloodied land of Tzemadra with a single goal in mind, to find the Locust Head, the king of the universe, and kill it in single combat. Concerns: I'm never sure if I'm getting things across clearly enough, and of course I'm unsure if the story even sounds like a good idea to begin with.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:00:03 -0700

TITLE: Stars Oh So Pretty SUMMARY: All is well the last words but not really the end. This is a tale of a girls, boys, and green eyed owls. This is a tale of the grandchildren. Anna Day, or Lace, daughter of Cho Chang, is epic with her viola. She attends Astrum Enchantress Place, a all girls school for Enchantresses, but as this school is only three years, she goes to Hogwarts after her third year, there she will find a year that changes her world and dreams. And here enters, Vivian Lilian Étoilé Scamander, granddaughter of Luna Lovegood, and daughter of Lily Luna Potter, she is a Slytherin through and through but this is a year that redefines everything and perhaps her own family's view of Slytherin. And this is Dominic Malfoy, and he loves ice cream and candy. And food in general. He's a talented cook, and a Hufflepuff. But time cannot forget or heal everything and purebloods are all regarded as snobbish low lifes and generally on the bottom of the food chain, while muggleborns and halfbloods are on top with a few exceptions. But this is a year, in which things change, people change, names change, and houses change. And assorted other grandchildren and a few seventh year children of our previous heroes and foes. This is the future, and Slytherin isn't always bad, and Gryffindors aren't always a synonym for good. Welcome back to Hogwarts. GENRE: FANFICTION? HUMORish. I think. CONCERNS: I think its awesomeness might destroy the world. Middle school has not yet destroyed my ego! On a more serious note, the book is told in mostly words, but there will be 1/3 of it in verse. Mostly the parts which are, I think, angsty and emotional.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:02:00 -0700

EVIL. I wish NaNoWriMo would let us edit out posts. But added to mine. CONCERN: I'm not sure if the title is catching enough. I'm also worried that my blurb is too long.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

shockvaluecola — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:32:28 -0700

Title of the novel: The Ballad of Mercy Kill Genre: urban fantasy Back cover blurb: Joy is a witch, a werewolf, and a cage fighter who drinks whiskey like it's water and hates your guts. Yes, you, personally. Alex Bonheur is a slightly mysterious bad boy who drives a stolen muscle car and would like to tell you about how awesome he is. He thinks he's hot shit. She thinks so too. The first time Joy gets in Alex's car, he thinks she's just another one night stand, but he finds himself drawn in by her baffling mix of innocence and cynicism. He's pretty sure this is how he makes girls feel, and that he owes an entire gender an apology. Concerns: It's kinda short, right? But the point is not to give the whole plot away and I think it's concise. idk, I have no idea. You tell me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:57:42 -0700

Title: The Bones Genre - Historical fiction Blurb - David Lendon suddenly finds himself an orphan at the age of fifteen in Ne York City. When he runs away to Chicago to escape his father's legacy, the fifteen year old finds a mysterious gang of newsboys called the Bones. Soon, David finds himself in the midst of what could be the biggest gang fight in Chicago - or New York for that matter - history, but as always, there's a catch: a fire. Concerns: Short. Does it give away too much?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:53:57 -0700

TITEL: Lovely, Old Things BLURB: Laura Ebbens, a young archaeologist, is spending the month of July on an excavation in the rural Darwenwood. She is bored to death and convinced she's suffering of cabin fever. But when a mysterious and seemingly troubled stranger shows up in town, on the run from "the past and the future" Laura sparkles to life. For some reason she can't explain, the man, who calls him self Tom, is annoyingly familiar. And not just that; each time she looks at him, she gets a peculiar feeling of both danger and safety. Always too curious for her own good, Laura sets her mind on uncovering Tom's secrets. But when she realizes why she recognizes him, her entire world, and everything she belived to know about life and death, is turned upside down. In the midst of trying to cope with her new knowledge, she runs in with a charming but possibly lethal man from Tom's past. And before she knows, Laura finds herself drawn into danger and what may well be the lenghtiest quarrel in history. CONCERNS: Lenght, grammar, too much or too little information?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:49:22 -0700

[Not a revision of the one on the first page, just another synopsis I'd like some feedback on.] Title: I don't have one yet. Suggestions would be appreciated. Genre: YA Fantasy Synopsis: The lady Cwyn, duchess of Fennex, has been kidnapped by the dragon -- Cerrovax, the great black beast on the royal standard. It seems that the bards may have exaggerated and the first king of the dynasty didn't kill him after all. Which is quite embarassing, but fortunately there are a number of single men in the royal family who could ride forth, fix their ancestor's mistake, and rescue and marry the -- quite eligible -- young duchess. Cwyn's girlfriend Lore rather objects to that last bit of the traditional solution. So she sets off to rescue Cwyn herself, with the help of her bastard half-brother Fionn, the only boy Lore trusts not to expect to marry one of them after the dramatic rescue. A young sorceress and her brother would probably have been in over their heads even if Cerrovax's plan had simply been to extract revenge by broiling a few princes in their own armor. Concerns: I loathe the last sentence, but I feel like I can't go into more detail without giving away the ending of the first act. Also, I have no title. Feel free to rip this one to shreds.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:50:55 -0700

Title: X and Y Genre: I have no damn clue Synopsis: Mystery Clarke, an XY woman, after learning that her lover is leaving her husband, reflects on her gender, sexuality, androgen insensitivity, and the nature of forgiveness and memory. Told through parallel present and past reflections, Mystery finds that life is cyclical, and it takes more than conscious choice to prevent the mistakes we make as children while adults. Concerns: If I were to make a list, I think that the word count would be longer than my novel in its rough form. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:43:41 -0700

So, I've semi-rewritten it and here to give it another try! :) Title of the novel: The Lying Division Genre: Low Fantasy, Young Adult Back cover blurb: A thief by trade, Klyte is forced into the secret Lying Division. His job is to keep the peasants content by twisting the truth, but it's not that simple. Visere, the captain of the division, says everything they do is legal. But Visere’s a Liar. And a killer. Within days, Klyte sees how hard their job is. The vigilantes of the kingdom are desperate to reveal the veil of lies, to show the citizens how blind they have been. They want a rebellion, and they'll do anything to get it. Visere calls for a hunting trip, a much-needed break from the job. It soon dissolves into chaos and, for the first time, the Liars are faced with a group of people just as cunning as they are. Then Klyte realises that his worst fear shouldn't be the vigilantes. It shouldn't be the impending civil war. It should be the person right in front of him, smiling that knowing smile and twirling a knife behind his back. Concerns: Not sure whether I like the 'a thief by trade' part. Does it even make sense? Also, the last sentence: I want to keep it as 'his back', but does that mean Klyte's back or the other guy's back? I've decided it doesn't matter in the slightest, but will it cause you confusion?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:32:57 -0700

This is a rewrite. Thank you, whoever, commented on mine. I read my back cover again after reading your comments and had a mini spaz on how bad it was and wrongly it portrays my fanfic now. I wrote that synopsis before I started so it doesn't really match my fanfic now. And I posted my original synopsis without really giving it a good do over since I've last wrote it. I wish I could edit my original post but I can't so this is my rewrite. Thank You. REWRITE Title: Original was "Stars Oh So Pretty", I've written my fanfic now and this title just doesn't seem to match the story well enough so I thought about another title - Remembering Lovelier Stars Genre: Free Verse Humor-Angst Fanfiction Blurb: Once the glass shatters, I realize, I don't know how tears can be defined and have a shape. The tears now are messy and chaotic, and the only shape they seem to remotely be is the fragments of my once lovely life. Lace was born as Anna, but in the final moments of goodbye and rebellion, Lace slips out of her Chinese lifestyle, culture, and name to, as cliche as it might sound, find herself by attending Astrum instead of Hogwarts. Lace knew her grandmother attended Hogwarts. Lace didn't. For three lovely and blissful years, she replaced a wand for her muggle styled viola and attended Astrum Enchantress Place. But now as Lace's final and third year at Astrum comes and goes, she has no other choice but to go to Hogwarts if she wishes to continue her magical education. And with Hogwarts comes another wave of trouble and impossibilites, including her near complete inability to use a wand. The mediwitch says that she might never be able to use one. Etoile and Dominic might be able to help. But they too face their own troubles. It is in these moments, that Lace realizes that she just might discover more about herself here, then she ever could at Astrum. Concerns: I'm not sure if the title sounds cliche. And I really hate my synopsis but I can't do any better. The freeverse in the beginning needs a insane amount of editing as well as most of the other free verse parts.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:00:45 -0700

Titel: Pause; Rewind (I'm still looking for another title...) Evil doctor Stark experiments with transferring extraordinary powers from one human being to another. His goal? Conquer the world. But he did not expect some teens to hold him back. Chaz and Miya both have powers that are unusual, even in the world they live in. When they get kidnapped by doctor Stark, they meet for the first time. Or maybe they met before... who knows. Soon they fall in love, but will they be able to live that happy calm live they want with each other, or will a disastrous ending come their way?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

jEisenstadt — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:27:38 -0700

Title: Six-String Sorcerers (or maybe Six-String Sorcery) Genre: Fantasy Blurb: Five years ago, Rebecca Long was the lead guitarist for up-and-coming heavy metal band Sludgefist. Today, she is burnt-out, washed up, and on the verge of having to get a "real" job. All this changes the day her old guitar teacher, blues-rock legend Billy Walker, shows up after missing for ten years. When Billy gives Rebecca his trusty old guitar, it unlocks incredible powers within Rebecca - the power to manipulate the forces of nature through her guitar playing. But she is not the only one with these powers. Now Rebecca is the target of a secret society of "guitar mages," who battle for supremacy and dominion over rock and roll. Billy's enemies will stop at nothing to seize his guitar and use its powers for evil. Rebecca must flee in search of the key to this mysterious power, hidden somewhere in rock and roll history. As the savior of shred, can she unite the factions of rock music and defeat the guitar mages? The destiny of rock and roll is in her hands - or, more accurately, her fingers. Concerns: 1) How to convey the tone of this story, which is irreverent and humorous but still takes itself seriously. 2) This story might appeal to a slightly younger audience (esp. fans of Guitar Hero), but at the same time there's a lot of crude/adult humor and themes of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. How to I get that across as well?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

RainbowFishie — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:02:24 -0700

Title of the novel: Asunder Genre: Fantasy/Adventure Back cover blurb: The kingdom of Draedith has a bloody past. Little do its citizens know, every major battle, every major turning point in its history, have been ordained by gods. Draedith's gods battle amongst themselves every fifty years to determine who will lead the pantheon. One challenger steps forth to challenge the current leader, fighting it out in a bloody battle. But the gods aren't the ones who do the fighting. Draedith's citizens are their chess pieces, and the kingdom of Draedith is their battlefield. The challenger and the leader of the pantheon each select five mortals, branding them with a cursed mark. The mortals are then left to fight among themselves, fulfilling their own selfish goals and ambitions, determining the next leader of the pantheon in the process. Gideon is a young teenage girl, newly apprenticed to Freyja, a warrior with a dark past. When the gods' games begin anew, Gideon is branded as one of the chosen. She's soon caught up in a secret battle where no one can be trusted, and murder is merely child's play. With death looming in the horizon and betrayal just around the corner, can Gideon survive the game of the gods? Concerns: Is the back cover blurb too long? And what do you think of the title?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Knerd — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:33:39 -0700

Title: Rule of Grey Genre: Medieval Dystopia / Adventure Blurb: The world of Helidor is on the brink of political and social revolution. Rebels are increasingly breaking away from the state religion, refusing to take part in their assigned roles within the community. Some have even begun to lash out against the King's right to rule. When Ellia, a watch guard for the King's political prisoners, is maimed during a rebel jail break, she must be smuggled out of the castle in order to avoid being euthanized. Escaping the grasp of the Royal Monks is her only chance for survival. While she is initially able to persevere alone in the mountainside, struggling to heal her body and find a way to return to her duty, it does not take long for her presence to be noted by a nearby rebel band. Will the Loyalists' strength be enough to preserve their faith and way of life? Or will the Rebels unite to defeat the castle with their calls for liberty and bloodshed? Ellia struggles to choose a side as the ever-growing war rages around her.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:31:32 -0700

Title: X and Y Genre: Mainstream Fiction Sub Genre: Gender and Sexuality Synopsis: After learning from the doctor the reason she has not had her period is because she has Androgen Insitivity Syndrome, Mystery questions all the want's that she has ever had in her life. She want's to be "daddy's little girl," but he wants her to replace her dead brother. She wants to have a normal family, but her mother divorces in order to save Mystery the trauma of her father. Mystery wants to have a normal romantic relationship, but she is attracted to Heather, a woman that breaks her heart and trust over and over again. Mystery wants to know if she should be attracted to men because she looks like a woman, or women because she is genetically a man. "Events in a person's life can change in the space of a second," Mystery states as she tries to reconclie herself between her wants and needs. She tries the normal relationship to have it end in violence. She tries to be daddy's girl only to have him sue her for theft. She tries to force herself to chose a sex of attraction and learns that the heart knows what it wants even if the head reels against it. Most importantly, she learns that forgiveness does not mean one forgets, and that memory and spite are hinderances to us all. Concerns: I am having a real bleeping problem with this in that when I try to outline events, it is even more bleeping boring than ever, and when it is nebulous like it is here, it does not give any real bleeping story points. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:23:51 -0700

Title: Kings and Queens of Promise Genre: Adventure/Superhero A strange missionary recruits five teenagers with extradorinary talents. Bobby is gifted with speed. Drew's gift is strength. Emma can heal others. Natalie can move things with her mind. Her brother, Nate, can control the mind and even limit other people's special powers. Though all five have limits, their combined strength is just what this strange man requires for his mission. The group must band together to open a buried door that houses an ancient creature who has yet to be killed. All that they know and love is at risk should they fail. Can five untrained teenagers manage this task? Is the man who recruited them really what he seems? Will these powers bring the group more harm than good? Will this be the breaking of the world? Concerns: Someone else wrote this for me. I haven't been able to concisely pare down my story into a summary, thus when this one was presented to me I ran with it. I modified bits and pieces, but I don't really know where I'm going with it.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:09:52 -0700

I'm so glad that someone resurrected this, because I was way too shy to do that myself. :P Haha, anyway I've been busy with finals, but I finally have a revision. :) Title of the novel: Deathwatch Genre: Fantasy/Science Fiction Back cover blurb: Kara Clayton has ten seconds left to live. But a scientist from a different world decides to disobey all regulations and save her. She awakens in a new world, in a different body. With no time to process, she is immediately drafted into war. But this is a world where science fiction is barely distinguishable from reality, a world where races like elves, vampires, and angels are not only dreamed of, but created. This is a world where anything can happen, where any dream can come true. With the willingness to succumb to the forces around her, Kara can remain safe- and happy- in this technological paradise. But Kara doesn't want to succumb. Because a girl has just been shot before her eyes. Because she's been under an abusive rule for far too long. And because paradise comes with the price of ignorance, and this world is not all that it seems. Concerns: Well first of all it's way too long. :P I also feel like my writing style is a little annoying. Plus the scientist saves her because he's in love with her, and the body into which she's placed has these horrible Frankensteinian burns all over it, two major plot points which I can't figure out how to incorporate. So please feel free to stab the updated version to death, people. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:31:37 -0700

[Giving rewrites of both the synopses I've put up here at once. I hope that's okay. If it's not, just pick whichever one you'd rather talk about and critique that.] Title: Olympian Genre: YA urban fantasy Harley is a runaway, a self-confessed freak, and a psychic who will hint that he's a fake even while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head. He is not, whatever that kid Zac Celles and his crazy friends think, a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades. Except he recognizes something in the girl who thinks she's Hera, though he's never seen her before in his life. Except something's coming. Whether or not Harley believes in the Olympians, the Titans do, and if Greek mythology really moves in cycles, a Titanic victory would put the elements back in the hands of their original -- and far more violent -- wielders. Concerns: Tried to make it clearer that Zac and Harley don't start out acquaintances, and to make the myth its based on a little clearer. I still think the last paragraph is a little choppy. Title: Scales Genre: YA fantasy The lady Cwyn has been kidnapped by the dragon -- Cerrovax, the great black beast on the royal standard. It seems that the bards may have exaggerated and the first king of the dynasty didn't kill him after all. Which is quite embarassing, but there are a number of single men in the royal family who could fix their ancestor's mistake by riding forth to rescue and marry the -- quite eligible -- young duchess. Cwyn's girlfriend Lore rather objects to that last bit of the traditional solution. So she sets off to rescue Cwyn herself, with the help of her bastard half-brother Fionn, the only knight-in-training Lore knows who won't expect the dramatic rescue to end in marriage. And if the dragon's plans had been as simple as kidnapping a beautiful girl and broiling a few princes in their own armor, they might have pulled it off. Instead, they find themselves the wrench in the gears of a revenge plot three hundred years in the making. Concerns: There is a title now, but not one I'm particularly fond of. I think the last paragraph flows better and still retains the tone of the story, but the blatant anachronism bothers me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

jEisenstadt — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:18:53 -0700

[I posted the rewrite of my blurb somewhere up above, but I'm re-posting it because no one responded to it and I'm still really itching to get some feedback.] Title: The Six-String Sorcerers Blurb: Air. Fire. Earth. Water. Music. The fifth controls the other four. Rebecca Long, washed-up former lead guitarist for a middle-of-the-road heavy metal band, discovers this when her old guitar teacher, blues-rock legend Billy Walker, shows up after missing for ten years with a gift and a warning. The gift is his old guitar, a guitar that awakens magical powers within Rebecca - the powers to manipulate the forces of nature through her guitar playing. But this is not just any magical guitar - it is the legendary "Stormbringer," the most powerful guitar in the world. The warning is that Billy has many enemies, other "guitar mages," who will stop at nothing to seize Stormbringer for their shadowy master. This guitar has the power to reunite the order of guardians known as The Six-String Sorcerers, all scattered and divided, and bring about a golden age of rock and roll...or "crack the sky and rend the heavens from the earth." Billy, 70 years old and tired of running, tasks Rebecca with completing the mission that he could not. Rebecca's quest to discover the origins of this incredible power will take her to some of the most iconic sites of rock history, from Woodstock to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the mythical "crossroads." In this alternate spin on rock history, "sex, drugs, and rock and roll" meets epic fantasy. The destiny of rock and roll is in her hands - or, more accurately, her fingers.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

beanza3 — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:30:59 -0700

Title: The Innocent Flower Genre: YA dystopia Back cover blurb: She's not a villian. Not a hero. Not a philosepher. Not a revolutionary. Not a savior. Avery is nothing. Hidden under lies and secrets, her carefully built facade tumbles when she gets thrown into the army. Her 16 year old life ended, changed into responsibility and fear. Death. When the government puts her out to die, she doesn't fight back. But when her friends, those she loves, get caught in the cross-fire, the newly trained sniper has to act. Her goal? Protect her friends. But the president gets in the way. Concerns: Too pretentious? Doesn't make any sense? Does it need more/less information? Is it interesting at all? Everything and anything is a concern... Be as "mean" as you want, I can take it!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:54:24 -0700

Reworked version: Title: Genre: Adventure/Superhero Blurb: A thousand years is a long time to hold a grudge. Bobby, Drew, Emma, Nate, and Natalie find this out the hard way when they are drawn into a strange missionary's quest for revenge and redemption. All five have experienced powerful changes in their lives that make them ideally suited to aid in this fool's errand. Each has developed gifts beyond human ability. But these gifts come with a price. A price some may not be willing to pay. Drawn out of their normal lives into and into a fight centuries old, the five must learn, must fight, and they must win. All that they know and love is at risk should they fail.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:10:39 -0700

Ok I decided to give this a gander. Though my blurb seems to start off sounding like a movie trailer to me and not sure if that is bad or good. So I would love to hear everyone's take on this. Thank you. Title: The King's Rangers (A Lady Ranger?!?) Genre: Fantasy Back cover blurb: In a world of horses, blades and bows there is a Kingdom called Nobara. Within this kingdom the king has two sets of armed forces. His normal palace guards made up of men and women who guard the palace, man the gates and the dungeons. Then there is his special forces made up of men who handle the special jobs within and without the kingdom. These men are collectively called the King's Rangers. Each year the Rangers hold a triple trial tourney to select new members, called the Trials of Three. But unknown to the populace, girls are not allowed in the tourney. Denten's Academy of Arms trains boys and girls, as young as eight, the skills of being a warrior. They teach them not only how to fight but how to use their heads to make decisions and to lead small and large forces in battle. They also make sure every boy and girl that comes though their academy knows how to read and write, a skill not often taught to the populace, but a must for anyone looking to be an officer. Now, meet Tracey Colt, the highest rank student of the senior class at the academy and her best friend Jenny Stirling. This is the first year the academy has had a girl as their top student. See what happens when these two strong willed young ladies learn of the discrimination against women fighters in the best fighting force in the lands. The very group they had dreamed of joining since before they started at the academy when they were eight years old. They had worked hard all these years to find out their dream means nothing. Well that is something these girls will not tolerate. See what they decide to do about it and see what happens to them as they try and prove that women can sometimes fight as good as any man.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

everqueen — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:39:41 -0700

Title: The World You Thought You Knew Genre: YA/Adventure Back Cover Blurb: 1300 AD Will is a farmer's son living in England. His life is simple. He mourns his brother Robert, lost while hunting the White Stag, and dreams of creating the Philosopher's Stone and meeting Lady Eglantine, the beautiful, gentle lord's daughter. His greatest fear is being married to one of the ugly, loud-mouthed village girls that his father is considering for him. 2400 AD Mira is a snarky, pretty teenage girl living in the crater of an extinct Mt. Vesuvius in a high-tech city. She's grown up knowing her world's history: the 2020 global terrorist attacks that nearly destroyed the Earth's crust and shattered the goverments of Earth. She also knows the extreme measures the few surviving members of ruling classes put in place to ensure humanity's survival. Her biggest worries are which color to dye her hair next and how to keep her slight kleptomaniacal tendencies from her friends. But when Will catches a glimpse of a secret stretching throughout the world, and Mira sees something she was never supposed to know, their lives will be changed forever. Their worlds are closer than you think. Concerns: I'm not sure about how interesting the first few lines are. The last line might also be a tagline (if that's the right word) for the front of the book. Other than that, fire away.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:41:32 -0700

Title: Dr. Goodman's Fire Genre: Magical Realism Back Blurb: Dr. Sean Goodman is emotionally lost after the death of his wife and daughter. One evening, he finds himself under the bed of a girl who finds lost things. After soon discovering the chances of returning to his home are slim, he takes up residence in the local whorehouse and becomes physician to the prostitutes and the population of the village at the insistence to the matron. Among those villagers are Joseph the hunter that finds a tiger nursing a child while looking for the gem that will give all the knowledge of the world; Emmanuel the teacher that believes that nature is still divided into the four elements and attempts to call down Goodman’s ideas as radical; the priest that sees Goodman as a healer akin to Jesus and the Devil; the girl that cannot remember anything from the day before; and Maria a whore whose virginity is restored when she wakes from sleep, and only sells herself to the general in hopes of keeping her village safe from the violence that surrounds it. Through happenstance and horrible chance, humor and violent pathos, Goodman finds that he hold the power to heal through taking life, and is thrust into a place that teeters on the balance of destruction, where his need to set things right brings the village that takes him in and treats them as one of their own, to the point of never existing. Concerns: It is whimsical, and I want the blurb to reflect that. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:52:14 -0700

Okay. Here's the re-write please let me know what you all think please. Title: The King's Rangers (A Lady Ranger?) Genre: Fantasy Back cover blurb: Tracey Colt is the highest rank student of the senior class at Denten's academy of arms. Jenny Stirling is her best friend and roommate. This is the first year the academy has had a girl as their top student. Then while the girls are shopping for supplies the unthinkable happens. These two strong willed young ladies learn, that the very group they had dreamed of joining since before they started at the academy as little girls, did -not- allow women fighters to join their ranks. They would not even let them tryout in their yearly tourney. They had worked hard all these years since they were eight, only to find out their dream means nothing. Well, that is something these girls will not tolerate. They will prove that woman can fight as well as any man. The Rangers might not want women in the Trials of Three, but where there is a will one will find a way.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mycatduncan — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 06:48:53 -0700

Title of the novel: The Lost Monarchy Genre: YA Medieval Fantasy Back cover blurb: The kingdom of Langour is a vast realm, ruled from a mountaintop palace by a strong, ruthless king called the Falcon. Meanwhile, in Langour's biggest city, Clarisse Loch is twelve years old and an up-and-coming ballet dancer. She and her best friend Lysander are both talented youths and have bright futures ahead of them in this rich and prosperous land. Clarisse is getting ready to start her first year in the Falcon Trades Academy, to prep herself for the job she's wanted since her first public ballet performance: to dance for the Falcon's wife in their palace. But soon before the birthday that will qualify Clarisse to enroll at the Academy, her father tells her she is sick. Or, rather, she WAS sick many years ago when she was an infant. In that year, he says, a terrible plague struck Langour's youth and hundreds perished. Now, more than a decade later, the plague is going to rattle Langour in a different way: the children that were infected will now die from the coming aftereffects. That is, unless they undergo a five-month-long, painful procedure that will mess with their memories. Clarisse isn't so sure she wants to go through with it, but before she can protest, her parents force her into the curing procedure, performed in their own basement. Clarisse's memories begin to slip away; however, her friend Lysander escapes his basement and frees Clarisse as well. Now, remembering nothing of who they are, they will run to find help, to find anyone who can provide them with information. Their search leads them to the Falcon's palace, where deep in the dungeons they will be told secrets that were supposed to be kept from their generation forever…secrets such as what the real purpose of the curing procedure was, and what wiped out a once-magnificent monarchy... Concerns: Very many that can't really be solved by reading this blurb. XD Ones that you can answer: Is it too long? Does it give too much away? The process of Clarisse and Lysander getting to the palace consumes most of the story (at least that I've written so far) so maybe I didn't elaborate enough on it. I don't believe that it gives too much away; you're supposed to suspect that something's fishy throughout the story anyway. That last sentence actually doesn't reveal much of anything, as the "real purpose" behind the curing procedure is so headache-inducingly complex that you could never figure it out just from reading the blurb. Anything that you didn't feel satisfied with? Thanks!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:53:40 -0700

Title of the novel: Strange Land Genre: Horror and Supernatural (Copied from my Novel Info page) Back cover blurb: “Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody”- Mark Twain Experiencing the sudden murder of her parents at the mere age of six before she could explicitly remember them or truly understand the concept of "gone," Lena Price lived a seemingly perfect, simple life in the heart of Cape Cod with her friends, boyfriend, and loving godfather, isolated from the daily vampire attacks and anti-preternatural sentiments of reality. However, her freshman year at Eliot University, five years ago labeled the first American college to integrate human students with lycanthropes and shifters, proves to be a confusing obstacle, for she is confronted with not only adult responsibility, but the overwhelming nature of bias and hate. When she unexpectedly befriends Leo, her ancestor who was recently imprisoned at the SUNS (The Society for "Undesirable" National Suppression) due to being a vampire—the same species that killed her parents twelve years previously—Lena's childhood innocence and ideals further unravel as she discovers the blurring of the lines between good and evil that go along with growing up. For Lena, being an adult means finally seeing the good side of "evil"... and the dark side of humanity. Concerns: Too wordy and doesn't explain the plot that much. The problem is the most important and interesting things that happen in my novel are all based around one plot twist, so I can't reveal too much, which poses a problem. Also, I'm pretty sure the ending is ridiculously cheesy. Overall, I'm just terrible at condensing stories so yeah...help...

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mistygal01 — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:17:02 -0700

Title: Northwood (or maybe The Northwood... which sounds better?) Genre: YA Fantasy Back Blurb: Maia Doesn't know what to think when Jem comes to her house, seeking refuge. *Things* start happening. Her horse is poisoned, her home goes up in flames, her father beaten and left for dead, and her mother and brother go missing. There is only one word on her Dad's lips... *Jem*. Following up on her promise to her father to go after him and enlist his help in rescuing the rest of her family was all part of the plan, getting caught up in the war that tears at the Northwood, an ancient and forgotten land split off from the rest of the world for centuries was not. Maia finds herself caught up in secrets and lies so destructive that they threaten to destroy everything she holds dear - her home, her family... and the boy, the magic and the Northwood that she has come to love. Concerns: Meh. I had so much trouble writing that. I'm not really sure I kept it all connected, and I think it might also be too cliche. Don't be afraid to tell me its all rubbish if thats the truth.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:26:17 -0700

Title: Bread For Revolution Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy Blurb: On Isla de Pastel Inclinado everybody loves the same bread, the some fish soup, the same tune, the same play, the same memoirs, portrait and statue of the fascist ruler Mason Jebediah Wallace III. Some of the people don’t know any better, that there are alternatives, while others don’t dare say the truth, at least not until Leonardo Young is finally released from his hiding place and allowed to become the baker’s apprentice. While alone in the bakery one day Leo accidentally finds a stash of forbidden ingredients and recipes. His insatiable curiosity leads him to bake a different bread than the one “everybody loves”. Making the wrong bread draws attention to him from the psychotic Langston twins who runs the ruthless Security Police Force on the island and who killed Leo’s boyfriend. Hastily recruited into the resistance for his own protection, Leo finds he is hunted by the security Police Force and also threatened by a traitor in the resistance. Leo must find a way to end the rule of the fascist leader before he meets the same fate as his boyfriend. Concerns: I wrote this over a couple of days, writing the first paragraph one night and then another the next day and then the last one a little later still. I felt I started out strong with the first one but then got weaker and weaker in the way it was written. And I'm not too sure about ending two paragraphs with the same word.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 10:39:46 -0700

Title of the novel: Secrets of the Hill Genre: YA Fiction Back cover blurb: “I think they’re at Diamond Hill.” The words no one in their community wished to hear, especially Benjamin and Macy Grant. The children had vanished into thin air. And only one person knew why. Concerns: That the plot may be too cliché. And that the blurb lacks a hook.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

TheNightPatrol — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:39:28 -0700

Title: Lights [subject to change] Genre: Fantasy/minor sci-fi, aimed primarily at young adults Back Cover Blurb: When Champ and his genius roommate Willis become enlightened to the existence of witches, creatures who don’t need cards to unleash powers, it becomes impossible for them to stay at the university. It is very beneficial for the ruling witches to keep their secret and so a man-hunt begins that puts the two students and everyone located near them in mortal danger. Forced to avoid contact with other humans in order to spare their lives, Champ and Willis must continuously flee their monstrous pursuers. With far less card powers and inferior experience, fighting back proves futile. Ripped out of their blissful ignorance, they are doomed to run until they are killed, the lone two Enlightened of the world. Little do they know, they might not be as alone as they think. Concerns: this was done quite quickly, I'm mainly focused on whether it sounds interesting and you enjoy the premise (:. The title could use some work too perhaps. Please, don't hold back.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

naggingdilemma — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 15:14:22 -0700

Title of the novel: DWARFED Genre: YA Contemporary fiction Back cover blurb: Sixteen year old Grace isn’t like everyone else. She was born with achondroplasia, a form of dwarfism that affects 1 in 10,000 people.. Grace has never cared about her height; she is too busy working on learning how to create illusions and entertaining guests at the Renaissance faire to worry about how her stature impacts others. The difference between her past and present is that Grace has always been surrounded by adults who accepted her. Now that she’s attending public school for the first time in her life, Grace is learning that not everyone shares her height doesn’t matter attitude. Grace’s new classmates might not want to get to know her, but they can’t stop talking about her. Now Grace is learning the downside of being in the spotlight. Everywhere she goes Grace hears whispered comments and feels the weight of their stares. Grace finds herself wishing she was someone else. For the first time in her life, Grace finds herself resenting the very things that make her special. The problem with wishing you could change yourself is that the desire tends to lead you to make some really stupid choices, choices that you would normally never dream of making. Now Grace finds herself surrounded by friends who have ulterior motives for befriending her, and doing things she never dreamt she was capable of. Grace is so busy trying to fit in, she doesn’t realize her inner beauty is dimming. Can Grace find herself before she loses everything? Dwarfed is a 100,000 word contemporary YA novel set in rural Michigan Concerns: I’m using this as my ABNA pitch. Not only does the pitch have to sound interesting (I’m a little worried that it’s generic) but the punctuation and grammar have to be spot on.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mollie-j. — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:01:00 -0700

Title of the novel: What Romeo Taught Juliet Genre: Young Adult Back cover blurb: Sabrina “Bea” Cappet was the picture perfect image of a Senator’s daughter; everything she wanted, she got. Except for the guy of her dreams. At nine, Sabrina fell for her best friend, Archer McHue. But when their fathers mysteriously whisked them away from each other to opposite sides of the world, the truth was revealed. Their families had been mortal enemies for decades, building off of an old conspiracy that had driven both of them to madness, and they were never to see each other again. Ten years later, Sabrina is on the top of society. Not only is she working for one of the most prestigious journalists in America, she is also on the brink of making it into the New York Times. One huge story is all it takes to hit the mother load. The huge story arrives with a surprise- Archer. When Sabrina is asked to write a biographical article on the Dean family, Sabrina can’t refuse. When family secrets old and new arise, and an old flame is rekindled, Sabrina has to decide what truly matters in life- holding onto the ones who matter the most or moving on with the one you love the most. Concerns: My concern is that it sounds too much like a typical "Romeo and Juliet" spin-off which is the opposite of what I want it to be. I want it to allude SOME to "Romeo and Juliet", but I want the novel to seem more real and not so...I guess, "similar" to the novels which are basic retellings of the original. I guess my question is, if you were to read this of the back of a book, would you associate it with the common retellings or would you find it as a different, fresher take?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:04:13 -0700

Title of the novel: House of the Raven Genre: Fantasy Romance Back cover blurb: Keira thought she was the leader. At least, that's how things started. But once they travelled across the worlds everything started falling apart. Dawson woke up covered in feathers. Enna lost her voice somewhere in the void. And Keira was no longer in charge. There's much to learn here. The Shape Shifters are dying out, Light and Shadow are at war and the people of the Freelands are threatened from all directions. A conflict that has been raging for thousands of years is about to be won by the wrong side and the Enchantiri Council brought the three here to do something about it. All Keira wants is to get back to the life where she was comfortably in control. So that means she has to learn magic, enter into an arranged marriage and bring peace to the entire world? She'll get it done, no sweat. Until she meets Aaron, a ferret shape shifter with a plan to die. There might be more for her here, afterall. Concerns: 1) I'm worried it sounds too lighthearted. Although there are funny moments it's not a romantic comdey. 2) Is the third paragraph trite, especially the last line? 3) Buy, borrow or put back?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

KateShelton — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:39:03 -0700

Title: Penny Necklace Genre: Literary Fiction Back cover blurb: "You know that weird feeling you get when the train next to you is moving, but yours is standing still? That's Aisley Sullivan's entire life. When Sully ventures down to the "forbidden" trestle in an act of rebellion on her fifteenth birthday, her life is forever changed by a chance encounter with a runaway teenager. He calls himself "David" and dreams of living life on the rails, never settling for the status quo, and before she knows it, Sully's in love. They spend the summer together, until one day, David hops the train to the next town, leaving her heartbroken. Fifteen years later, Sully still hasn't gotten over that day. When her grandfather passes away, inciting in Gram a guilt-ridden wanderlust for her former days working on the Railway Post Office during WWII, Sully is confronted with the realization that she is just as bound by her past as Gram was by the social norms of her time. Determined to break free, Sully sets out on a trip across the country to finally find her first love and, hopefully, happiness at last. But sometimes life goes off the rails. And what she discovers along the way may change her whole perspective." Concerns: Does it draw you in and make you want to read more? Grammar, spelling, etc. Is it clear or confusing? Too much or too little? Any comments will be appreciated!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

skymessenger — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:08:07 -0700

Title of the novel: Dragon War Genre: Fantasy Back cover blurb: For decades, war has ravaged the world of Avion. There were dragons, with unique powers. And there were humans, who created the AeroWarrior Army to fight back. Sora is a newest recruit in this organization, studying and building aviation mechanics. But one moment makes her question the war itself. One decision turns the entire world upside down. And the journey she takes has the power to save the world or send it to ruins. Concerns: Title is a wiork in progress, feel free to suggest something. And I'm open to whatever you have to say about the blurb.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

BroadwayKhaos — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:25:30 -0700

Title: _________? Genre: Not sure where to classify this.....serio-comedy definitely though.... Blurb: There are those who believe that bargaining with the devil is the quickest path to damnation. This is only because they have not yet attempted to negotiate with God.... Working in a New Age shop is a little awkward for Damien. Not because of the weird smells, strange items, or crazy owner. The real reason is because every day people come in and ask him to tell their fortunes. And he does; even though he's lying through his teeth. What do a few white lies matter? After all he doesn’t believe in hell…or heaven…or anything at all. He’s lost, in more ways than one. So why is he so willing to accept the help and guidance of a girl he barely knows? Well, once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up....or there's always the lower pits of Hell. Concerns: I'm not sure if the theme of this is exactly publisher friendly....however i'm more concerned about what readers would think. Is it too serious? Is is too controversial? How can i edit to make it better? Any ideas for titles just from the blurb?? Thanks so much for the help in advance!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Cezanne — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 07:26:10 -0700

Title of the novel: Undercover Genre: Fantasy/Action Back cover blurb: Ella Li has just one goal: take down the Academy. When what starts out as spying on rivals turns into a life-or-death mission, Ella is stuck between two worlds – one she dearly loves, and one she would dearly love to destroy. Forced to stay in a world she hates, Ella’s new job is to be an undercover agent, reporting the Academy’s every move to her old friends – most of whom would rather see her dead. But while she’s there, she begins to realise that maybe she and her friends aren’t so elite after all. Maybe the Academy isn’t as bad as she thinks. And maybe she’s on the wrong side. But if she fails her friends, if she blows her cover, the consequences will be worse than she could ever imagine. And in a world where imagination is everything, that’s saying a lot. Concerns: I'm concerned that others will find it confusing. :/

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:53:30 -0700

Revised Blurb: Title of the novel: Somewhere Secret: Criminal’s Kingdom Genre: YA Action/Thriller Back cover blurb: “We believe they’re at Diamond Hill.” They were the words no one wished to hear, especially Emma Reynolds and Macy Grant. Their children had vanished into thin air, gone without a trace. And only one person knew why. Concerns: That the idea may be somewhat cliché, and that the hook of the story is barely there.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:34:42 -0700

Yet another revision of my blurb. Title: Ex and Why Genre: Mainstream Fiction Subgenre: Romance/gender Blurb: Mystery Clarke has androgen insensitivity syndrome, daddy issues, and problems doing what her heart knows is right because her brain deals too much with the past. Heather Cummings is married and has a past of illicit affairs, rash decisions, and drug abuse, all of which Mystery has lived through. Mystery is satisfied with the adulterous affair that she and Heather are having, but it isn’t enough for Heather, and she tells Mystery of her plan to divorce her husband. Knowing that her heart knows that Heather is the one she is supposed to be with, Mystery resists the exclusive relationship Heather dumps at her feet. As the new dimension of their affair becomes more real, Mystery sees the past as if it’s the present. She relives the immature emotional relationship she and Heather had as younger women. She remembers the cheating the Heater did as Mystery suspects Heather of having yet another affair in the present. She also remembers the support Heather gave her when she was first diagnosed with her syndrome and how Heather was there when Mystery’s father abandoned her and her mother. Confronted with all of the emotional baggage that she carries, Mystery must deal with the past if she is to make a future that breaks the cycle of her life. Concerns: I think I have introduced the two main characters and their conflict. I have internal and external motivation, and set up the what main conflict of the novel and what can be lost. If not, that's what a critique is for, I suppose.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:39:59 -0700

I know this is unorthodox but I really didn't know where else to ask this and it does fit the topic. I have two completely different pitches for the same book. Would you please tell me which one you think is better? PITCH A: Someone is going to die - a knife is at his throat. Who is it? For years Josh Clements has been identified as a homosexual, and bullied cruelly. His teachers and principal know, but won't help. Now in his junior year of high school, he attempts suicide and his parents send him to a pray-away-the-gay boot camp where he is tortured into being straight. When he returns to school his one friend, Ruby, becomes his girlfriend to cover for him. The bullies turn viciously on her, using social media to cyber attack. Someone is killed, another assaulted, and there is nowhere to turn, no one who will help. Josh has run out of options and he can't take any more. Brent Greene is terrified of being identified as gay and searches out every opportunity to display his 'manly' heterosexuality. The senior, a football jock, bullies to drape himself in shadow, to avoid the same spotlight he turns on Josh. His desperation to be seen as normal drives him to extremes of cruelty. When Brent's desperate need to deny his homosexuality, and Josh’s reluctant acceptance of himself, lead to their final confrontation, whose hand wields the knife, and who finally gets the point? The Point takes place in suburban Minnesota, in a fictional school district not unlike the Anoka-Hennepin School District which has suffered nine student suicides in the last two years. It is a story too long untold by victims suffering in silence. Much of the bullying in The Point, although fictionalized, occurs daily in American schools and will resonate strongly with readers of all ages. Teachers, parents, school boards, politicians, and students will discover with Josh just what The Point of bullying is. PITCH B: Someone is going to die. Josh Clements wants a normal life so much he convinces his parents to uproot and move so he can have a fresh start in a new place. His hopes ride high when he meets pretty Ruby, but crash when he becomes the target of bullying, again. Deciding to stop running and take control of his life, Josh determines to tough it out; gaining friends, facing setbacks, and overcoming obstacles. Brent Greene is terrified of being called gay and searches out every opportunity to display his ‘manly’ heterosexuality. Pressured to follow in his famous father’s footsteps he plays sports, dates beautiful girls, and bashes fags. But his desperate need to appear normal can drive Brent to lose self control and behave in ways even he can’t believe. As both young men struggle with their sexual identities, tensions escalate on campus and in cyberspace. Teachers are constrained from helping and the school board is actively hostile to the Spectrum Club, a gay/straight alliance Ruby and Josh wish to start. With silence as good as encouragement, the bullying grows out of control and people get hurt. Perhaps it is inevitable that Brent and Josh confront their worst fears together, but who wields the knife and who gets the point? The Point takes place in suburban Minnesota, in a fictional school district not unlike the Anoka-Hennepin School District which has suffered nine student suicides in the last two years. It is a story too long untold about kids and their families suffering and isolated, with no place to turn. Much of the bullying in The Point, although fictionalized, occurs daily in American schools and will resonate strongly with readers of all ages. Teachers, parents, school boards, politicians, and students will discover, with Josh, what The Point of bullying is. *Note: I know the title should be italicized, but I can't remember how to do it... sorry.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:15:46 -0700

Title of the novel: The Sinister Urge Genre: Humor/Drama/Romance Back cover blurb: After she dramatically quits The Wires on live television at the height of their fame Lilli Morgan disappears from the music scene. Behind her she leaves the truths and rumours of her departure. Despite all this The Wires guitarist Adam still harbours his long held feelings for Lilli. Returning to the music world with her brother Elm and a hand full of old friends Lilli forms Lilli And The Munsters. No one, least of all Lilli herself, expects her to be shockingly reunited with The Wires when they're suddenly brought in as guest judges on a reality TV show. Will Lilli start a love affair that will send shock waves through the music world?! Will Sarah make her way through all the male members of the TV crew?! Will Ken and Liz ever get blue cheese?! Concerns: Any feedback would be nice :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Imperatrix Xoco — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:23:47 -0700

Title: All the Gods Genre: Fantasy Blurb: Mortimer Scott has spent the last twenty years of his life in quiet inconsequence. A devout member of the Church of Lopt, Mortimer spends his days praying, fumbling through social interactions, and dreaming of the day that his life would change. As if by some miracle of the gods themselves, it does. Talbot, a wanted heretic of the Church, wrenches Mortimer from worship and ritual and into a storm of wild accusations: The gods are a lie. They are nothing more than thieves, impostors who have seized the thrones of the heavens from the true gods. Mortimer, Talbot claims, is one of those gods. Forced onto the losing side of a battle between the Church and Talbot’s heretics, Mortimer has to choose between his faith and the crown he isn’t even sure is his. Concerns: I feel like this whole thing reads awkwardly. And I'm also not fond of the "Mortimer was totally normal UNTIL" effect that the first paragraph or so gives. Any comments regarding those concerns would be much appreciated.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:01:21 -0700

I like it, I'm not a big fantasy fan but this sounds interesting to me. I also agree with what Iasalle202 said. I was also wondering if the church in your story is based off of any real life religions. Title: The Absent, or To The Limit, or The Fourteenth Edition Genre: Action/Adventure One minute just normal kids, the next they're kidnapped and experimented on; given powers beyond belief, but the experiment hasn't been perfected, in fact, they're just tools in perfecting it for those more naturally gifted, and not expected, or wanted to survive. For the Fourteenth edition of the experiment to survive they'll have to escape their captors and make their way back to society. The minute they're taken they're part of a massive web of lies, betrayal and death, and as they strive to survive more surprises are thrown at them, making their homes seem farther away from when they started.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 09:25:44 -0700

Complete and total rewrite of back page blurb/pitch: Josh was harassed relentlessly for years in his old school near Stillwater, Minnesota before finally persuading his parents to sacrifice everything and move 50 miles away to Crystal Clear High, a better school. Now living in an upscale suburban neighborhood, Josh has high hopes he’ll get a fresh start and fit right in. But on the first day of school Josh finds his worst enemy has also transferred, and is now living with his, if possible, even more abusive cousin. Befriended by Ruby, a straight girl who doesn’t care that he’s gay, the two fight against ruthless bullying on both the school grounds, and in cyber space. The adults either don’t take them seriously or are too busy with other things to see what’s really going on, and are just as likely to blame the victims, until the killing starts. Absolutely alone in a world of teenage cruelty unchecked, Josh and Ruby must grapple with feelings of uncontrollable depression and the temptations of suicide and murder. They start a gay/straight student alliance club and discover friends in surprising places, but as the rest of the school calms down one bully intensifies his attacks, targeting the most vulnerable. Lives are in the balance and someone will die unless Josh can summon the personal courage to face his deepest fears. That's So Gay is a tale of contemporary bullying and consequences, differences and similarities, hope and despair. It will warm your heart while chilling your soul, and readers should be warned: some of the bullying depicted in That’s So Gay can upset and trigger flashbacks in the tenderhearted. If your emotional response becomes too intense, put the book down and walk away. Unless, of course, you’re afraid someone will say, “That’s So Gay.”

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:08:49 -0700

I like it, in the second paragraph it started to sound a bit too twelve-year-old-friendly-adventure-ish which I don't think is what you're going for, but at the line: "until the killing starts." I was like "oh snap, this is serious stuff here." I'm also wondering when the stuff in the third paragraph starts in the novel. A personal pet peeve of mine is when something on the blurb really happens pretty late into the book, to me it's like someone gave me some sort of spoiler. I also like the little warning thing at the end. Some books I've read scared the *enter swearword here* out of me and I have a fairly strong stomach and there wasn't any sort of warning on it. A rewrite of my last one: One minute just normal kids, the next they're kidnapped and experimented on; given powers beyond belief, but the experiment hasn't been perfected, in fact, they're not expected, or wanted to survive. So for Corey and his friends to survive they'll have to wade their way through all the lies, betrayal and death they've been unwittingly thrown into, while, unbeknownst to them, others are eagerly waiting the chance to enter it once they're out of the way. Concerns: it's length, this one's shorter and I'm not sure it gives enough information. Another one is I'm planning on this being a series and Corey, while he's the character we start off with, won't survive past the second book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:40:30 -0700

New version of mine. I started more or less from scratch writing a blurb for my novel... several times... This is in fact the fourth attempt at a blurb for this novel! I felt the second and third versions were worse than the original one so I haven't bothered posting those. Title: Bread For Revolutions Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy Blurb: No one on Isla de Pastel Inclinado would have thought that you could topple a fascist dictator by simply baking the wrong bread. Not even Leonardo Young, the new apprentice baker, thought his baking would lead to that. He just found a secret compartment in the bakery containing illegal recipes and ingredients and his curiosity got the better of him. The small island is ruled by Mason Jebediah Wallace, a fascist genocidal war criminal, who was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while he’s still alive and well on this island. Supporting him is the brutal Security Police Force, keeping the population in line, with the psychotic Langston twins in charge. Equipped with several lethal cybernetic implants the twins have already killed Leonardo’s boyfriend. After baking the wrong bread, Leonardo is next on their hit list and forced to join the resistance just to stay alive. Once in the resistance he finds he’s still at risk as there appears to be a traitor there working for Wallace. Concerns: I wanted to somehow mention that Leonardo has been hiding in a small, secret room, for eight years, since he was 10 but couldn't seem to get it in there. And I think the blurb is long as it is already.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lisa.Vail — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:23:33 -0700

I haven't written a blurb thing yet, but I was wondering if anyone could please tell me what they'd think of the title Recall? I've started writing it (about 12k in so far) and I just want to know if it sounds misleading? What genre would you assume it was?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

YunaTH — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:14:57 -0700

Title: Throne of Ashes (working title) Genre: Paranormal/Thriller Back Cover Blurb: For years, Camy lived alone with her dad in a little lopsided house so bright and filled with lights everywhere inside that it made a Kinkade painting look grim. Camy and her dad could see spirits that were drawn to them like moths to a flame, except bright things kept them away. Things changed one day when she finds the lights are out and she sees the spirits of her mother and dead baby sister devouring her dad. She didn't do anything but stand and watch him beg her to turn on the light switches. She didn't. After getting into a scuffle with the police, she heads down to SJ in search of her long estranged brother and answers to what really happened to her dead mother and sister and what she really is. She finds her brother. Except he's splattered all over his apartment walls and floors, all 130 grams of stomach, 10 pints of blood, and 10.8 kilograms of bones. Clues abound in his apartment, and she takes them with her. Drunk and miserable back in her own apartment, she eats the food inside a container only to find out it was the heart of Alexei Khalski, a Russian "Zmey", or dragon, who also happens to be the leader of a notorious drug cartel. And he is pissed. Exceptionally pissed. Now a wanted murderer on the run from the police, a Russian drug lord, and spirits that are inexplicably drawn to her, she must try to right things, find answers, and keep herself alive. For as long as possible. Concerns:

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:32:10 -0700

Title: Absolution Genre: Space Western/post apocalyptic. In the darkest days of our future Six soldiers will undertake a daring mission Survival is not a possibility, but failure is unacceptable Welcome to oblivion... After most of humanity was exterminated in the robot wars, a few million survivors fled the machine-choked ruins of Earth to the nearest habitable star system. After a ninety-year voyage, they settle down on a harsh desert world and did their best to survive against both the elements and the toughened monsters that called it their home. By day they build up their defenses and grow food, and by night they find Earth in the sky and wonder what it must've been like to live there When an army of bandits sweeps out of the desert and nearly destroys the city of Varium, aging Sergeant Grant finds himself thrust into the spotlight as a hero. He is asked to lead his squad and an elite agent on a mission to track down the leader of the bandit chieftain and slay him. As the group journeys through scorched plains and craggy mountains in search of their quarry however, they are beset on all sides by enemies and misfortune. At the same time the ghosts of their past come back to haunt them. Grant must keep his squad together while dealing with standoffs and dead sisters, and worse: if they ever reach the bandit chieftan they will have to face his army numbering in the thousands.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bravrayj — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:15:37 -0700

Title: Pariahs of Lightning and Water Genre: Adventure/Fantasy/Young Adult Blurb: Sixteen year old Dylan Maddox and his mentor, Robert Tyson, are Children of the Spark, a small amount of people with superpowers. The two have been traveling across the US for several years, using their powers to save people from various attacks from other Sparks, staying out of sight otherwise. Currently, they are on the search for 'a game changer' in their battle against the other Sparks. Jovita Salazar, on the other hand, is a 16 year old student from Tampa. Her bad home life, which led to her low self esteem and shyness has also resulted in that believes that the world is suffering because of her. Their worlds collide when a monster attacks Jovita during a field trip to the local Art Museum, and she finds out that she is in fact a Spark, just like Tyson and Dylan. She refuses to go travel with them at first, but after a deadly attack as a result of the other Sparks attacking the trio more aggressively than before, she agrees to go with them. As they travel in their quest to help save the world, deadly events and crippling revelations transpire, slowly sending her and Dylan towards their breaking point, and wondering if they are world saving material. Concerns: I feel like there's something off about this. Likely the flow of the blurb. Plus, it doesn't really paint a complete picture of the story. On the other hand, I don't want to give away a couple of big events/plot twists that happen somewhat early in the story, but I still want to give a good picture of what our heroes face.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

C.Angelina — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:59:56 -0700

Title: Eagle's Cry Alternate titles (tell me if any sound better): Persistence of Vision, Persistence, Striking Eagle Genre: sci/fi young adult blurb: Mica never wanted to be a hero, but in a world at war she doesn’t have much choice. The dragons are fierce, they are terrifying, and on the ground humans don’t stand a chance. In the air Mica is the best of the best, but even she can’t be everywhere at once. Eagle has nothing left. No memory, no friends, no goal but to head east and keep her freedom. Instead she stumbles onto a military base, gets mistaken for a traitor and condemned to death. Her would-be executioners offer her a fighting chance though, which for Eagle is the equivalent of escape. The Crazies have been trying and failing to continue on without their leader, Mica. Their sacrifice brought hope back to the world, but where do the heroes go after the world no longer needs them? A mysterious girl they were supposed to kill inadvertently sends the Crazies on their last mission, and this time they may be the one most in need of rescuing.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:23:40 -0700

In the first paragraph there's the line "On the ground humans don't stand a chance." maybe add "so they've had to take to the air" to it. There's also the line "but even she can't be everywhere at once." maybe clarify this a bit. Is Mica part of a police force or something? Also clarify who Eagle is and why she doesn't have anything (specifically her memory). Also the title suggest that Eagle's the main character, if she is then maybe have the paragraph about her be first. I'm also confused about the Crazies and Mica's relationship with them, do they think Mica died or did she just leave them? I do think it's good though and I would probably read it if I came across it. Title: The Absent Genre: YA/ Sci-fi Blurb: One minute just normal kids, the next they're kidnapped and experimented on; given powers beyond belief, but the experiment hasn't been perfected in fact they were just another step to perfected it and their captors don't expect or want them to survive. So for Corey and his friends to survive they'll have to wade their way through all the lies, betrayal and death they've been unwittingly thrown into, while, unbeknownst to them, others are eagerly waiting to take their place once they're out of the way.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:12:10 -0700

I made two and I can't decide which one is better. For the first one I figured that if I try to use too much of what I already had I'd end up making it shorter and more confusing. I've also had trouble explaining the powers and the experiment and then I remembered that a character explained it in the book so I figured part of the blurb could be an excerpt. THE ABSENT: One minute just ordinary kids, the next they're the randomly selected subjects of the fourteenth experiment. No longer persons but another step in perfecting the experiment and are not expected or wanted to survive. So Corey and his new found friends to survive they must find a way to escape before they're killed. But as they start the find the weak spots the experiment continues... Nathan is nearly a model student. Nearly the top of every class. Nearly the best athlete. Always close enough to taste but not to bite. So when he's told of an experiment that could give him powers; that can finally put him on top he leaps at the chance. Only one problem unknown to Nathan: The subjects of the Fourteenth Edition have gone rouge. Now with super powers like mind-reading and supervision Corey and the remains of the Fourteenth Edition must make it back to society and get the word out before they're recaptured. THE ABSENT: ""You have all been randomly selected to be part of the Fourteenth Edition. Some years ago it was discovered that a specialized serum could alter the cortex in the brain, thus giving the patient different abilities. The first person injected with it developed the ability to move objects out of reach, better known as telekinesis. Unfortunately that same person later fell into insanity and has since perished. We are now working to perfect the serum and that is where you kids come in. For the next few weeks you will all be given the serum and will all likely develop similar abilities to the first subject. You will be watched as to how you react to it and how the abilities work. Most of this we know already, you are the next to last version of the experiment, and are here so we know the ultimate limits of the serum. Do not raise your hopes. You will not leave here alive."" So for Corey and the others in the Fourteenth Edition are kidnapped and experimented on. They're given powers beyond belief and their lives are changed forever, but in order to keep those lives they'll have to escape their captors, once an impossible task. Meanwhile there are those like Nathan, ambitious volunteers for the experiment, who are eagerly waiting for their chance at power.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MuseyMuse — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:40:19 -0700

Title of the novel: The International Association of Time Travellers Genre: Sci-fi/possibly Steampunk Back cover blurb: Benjamin Smith is a very bad pickpocket in London in 1799. If he's caught again, he faces the colonies: if he comes home empty-handed, he faces much worse. Rebecca Palmer was an inventor's daughter until 1895 when she invented a time machine. Now she's a member of the International Association of Time Travellers, the most secret society of all, who live in a world called Now and abide by Constant Time, the heartbeat of the world. Life was good, until a visit to the 18th century when her watch was stolen. Now Benjamin finds himself working to a different clock, and when a time traveller goes rogue and threatens to alter the very fabric of history even the Association is racing time to stop events from unfolding. Benjamin and Rebecca land in 1900 to track down the rogue and stop the future from changing, along the way uncovering a dastardly plot to assassinate Queen Victoria and start the war to end all wars. The future isn't just changing - it's ending. All Benjamin wants to steal now is luck and time, because both are running out. Concerns: Does it make sense? Is it interesting? Would you read it? And what would you change? Anything else you can think of? (I usually suck at writing summaries so I appreciate all input :))

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Kookaburra17 — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:01:28 -0700

TITLE: Just One Page GENRE: Fantasy/humor BACK COVER: Zeiss was born and raised in the town, the one that sprouted in the shadow of the castle of the Good King. Living and working in the Black Dog Inn, she wants nothing out of life but shelter and food. But when a drunken brawler leaves behind a scrap of paper, a page torn from a book, she realizes she wants more...like the 'great treasure' promised by the unusual writing. Soon she finds herself wrapped up with Aymah, a scrawny girl with a tail and no memories, Ferin, a centaur with no home, and Leven, a former knight-in-training who desires nothing more than to be left alone. Each has their own reason for joining the hunt for the other pages and the treasure, and with those reasons come secrets; some of which could end their hunt...forever. Concerns: Is the blurb overly dramatic? The plot is still in progress, but does it sound interesting as is? Would this interest you? What would you change?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

rena921 — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 23:41:56 -0600

Title: Neon K Genre: Teen Science Fiction Back Cover: Adam is new to the city and to the world of the Neon gangs - but he may have something to do with the series of murders surrounding them. Mia's memory has been sketchy her whole life, but she's been blacking out more and more lately. She's worried about the things she can't remember, she's worried about her husband, and she's worried about the erratic and suspicious behavior of her cousin. Noah is devestated after the death of his boyfriend, but the gangs are growing more and more restless around him. Someone has set the disturbing events in motion, and he's bound and determined to find out who. Anna's heart is not her own anymore, not since a surgery saved her life by taking someone else's. And now she's seeing things, hearing things, and feeling things that she knows can't be real. Chance is the one that connects them all - but he's not even part of this story. Not yet, anyway. Concerns: Does it sound too weird? Would you read it? Is the title corny? What do you think it's about, just reading that?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Tuffysgirl — Mon, 14 May 2012 10:30:32 -0600

Title: Flightless: Book One of The Angel Chronicles Genre: Fantasy Blurb: In two weeks, Briella Mason will turn sixteen. All her life she has lived, never once believing she was anything but human. But when she starts having the same dream over and over, and when a strange man turns up on her doorstep, she soon finds that this is not the case. She is an angel. Born without wings. Set with the task of saving the life of a girl she has never met, but who has the power to either save the world or destroy it, Briella must gain her wings in the time of two weeks. To do this, she must travel to the Garden of Eden. The only problem? Eden's location has long since been lost, and already a hoard of demons are after her and her guide, a Guardian angel by the name of Tanner. Will Briella gain her wings in time? Or will she fail, and watch as the world crumbles to ash? Concerns: Erm, well, would you read it? Does it sound really super cliche? Cheesy, even?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Nessabutterfly — Thu, 17 May 2012 17:42:28 -0600

Title: Threads Genre: YA fantasy/fairytale Blurb (it's actually for my One Sheet, so it includes the ending): After a lifetime of princess fantasies, historical fashion student, Taylor Baudier discovers an ability to travel to Anadaria, the mythical land of her imagination. Forced from her war-torn homeland, Princess Taylor is welcomed into a foreign court where she meets and falls in love with the crown prince, Kier of the House of Kentington. When Kier proposes, Taylor must admit her double life. She can only be present in Anadaria while wearing the enchanted gown that she designed and constructed; each evening, Taylor is transported back to her own apartment. Though she continues to fall more deeply in love with Kier, each visit leaves her less satisfied with her life as a princess. In her own world, she reunites with her estranged father, leaving her torn between the two most important men in her life. Kier discovers her reluctance to remain in his world and offers to give up his crown to join her in her own. Now they must find a way to get him there. A mysterious presence in Taylor's life is revealed to be her fairy god-father. He once gave her the magical sewing machine that creates portals between the two worlds, and though he leaves the discoveries up to Taylor and Kier, with his subtle help, they are able to bring Kier permanently to Taylor's world. Concerns: Nothing specific. Just kinda freaking out cause it's my first one sheet and I have a meeting with an agent tomorrow and... ARGH! Stressed.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Sat, 19 May 2012 23:48:30 -0600

Title: A S.E.C Camera Production (the Gatherer) Genre: Fantasy Synopsis: A Sprite Enchanted Candid Camera Production It only takes a second to turn the magicvision on It only takes a second for the sprite station to send the recorded images to those viewing the shows. It only took a second for swordsman great Larith Silveroak to decide to take that first SEC Camera with him on his history making quest. Now people are practically begging to buy the SEC Camera's when ever they see them for sale. But the SEC Camera's are not easy to make and few go on the open market. When they do it costs a small fortune to buy. Some though are lucky. For some the sprites seers choose them to receive one of their special SEC Cameras. Not only do they get the SEC Camera they get a fairy commentator when one is chosen as well. Faelyn Starguard is one of these chosen few. The lucky ones. Only thing is, she doesn't think so. The last thing she wants is some floating enchanted camera floating around recording every little things she does while some fairy reporter adds her two bits in about it all. Besides she isn't interesting at all, no one would want to watch her. Okay she can do a few spells and can even fight a bit if she has too, but she is a gatherer of rare things not an adventurer. She doesn't go on great quests or do big things. She just travels about collecting rare ingredients and things people are looking for. Mostly for her mom but some for a few others as well. She isn't special like her older sister and younger brother...or is she? Concern?: I know it seems I like titles that have subtitles for my stories. But my NaNo'11 story was one of a planed series and so it works. In this case there is no plan for a series but I think due to what the story is about the title the subtitle format still works in this case. Not sure if I even plan on using this for a back cover...but it is what I have for my Synopsis for June camp and would just like some feedback on it.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:54:31 -0700

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

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Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Dani Marchand — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:50:43 -0700

I'm working on writing all this info up for my own novel, so in the meantime, here's a critique for you, 9393usak. I support the idea of Deathwatch for the first novel, Titanheart for another/the sequel. I'm a fan of one word titles, and a dramatic title goes with such a dramatic premise. As for the novel itself, I can suspend disbelief. Whether or not the novel itself is believable is another matter, but I didn't notice anything glaringly unlikely or beyond what I've been willing to believe for other fantasy/science fiction novels. Now, the blurb. It definitely isn't perfect, though it's also not awful. I would read the book based on this, but mostly because the premise interests me. I'd have some hangups about the quality of the novel unless the blurb was cleaned up a tiny bit. So her mother was murdered and her brother spends time at gunpoint. That feels unsatisfying to me. I want to know who murdered her mother and what's up with her brother straight away if you're going to bother telling me. The mystery, the hook, is in the hows and whys behind it all. This is just my opinion, of course, but I'd rather you just call her mother dead and her brother an outlaw for now. I also think you'd be better off starting out with "Kara Clayton awakens in a new world, in a different body" as the opening sentence. Cut the line about the scientist caring for her, it adds nothing and removing it would also remove some of the suspension of belief issues. I'd go with the opening line I suggested above, followed by your first paragraph with modifications. Then start the second paragraph with "Upon awakening, she is drafted into war" and leave it as you have it from there. Also, to be totally nitpicky, I like the sound of "War doesn't mean what it once did" better. Again, all this is completely opinion, though some of it is based on critiques I've seen before. Like I said, I'd still give your book a try with the blurb just as it is now.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:51:53 -0700

(I'm not sure what the format for this is going to be like, so please forgive me for any mistakes.) There's one thing that really bugs me: Kara's backstory. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine, but I don't like tragic backstories. "Largely" can be replaced with a more specific adverb (or no adverb at all). Also, the part with "scientist in charge of her care" can do with more details. The second part didn't seem to explain a lot--the readers don't know why she appeared an a new world. Actually, something like "one day, she awakens in a new world without cause or explanation" might work too. The story premise isn't unlikely in my head, but you might need more explanations to it. I don't really have an opinion about the titles, sorry. I don't know your story well enough to decide between the two. I wouldn't read your novel (sci-fi isn't my thing, despite writing about it), but it sounds very interesting. Good luck!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:14:00 -0700

Okay so, I'm not very good at this, but I'll give it a shot :) (And if I sound mean, I'm sorryyyyy! I'm really not a mean person, I swear!) I don't exactly like titles which combine two words together to make something which doesn't quite make sense. I prefer one-word titles which is a word. (There is something wrong with the sentence I just wrote...forgive me please.) For the blurb, I get the feeling there isn't enough information. Just telling that there's something more to the world isn't quite enough, in my opinion. I think you should elaborate on how she awakes in a new world - and if the story's all about that, then there's no need to write about her past. Do we care about her family? Is it essential for us to know that in the blurb? Start where the story starts. /queryshark'd. Other things I'm interested in are 'War doesn't mean what it used to.' So it's set in the future? What exactly is new about this war? Why do we care about the scientist in charge of her, and why does she need a babysitter anyway? I also don't understand how she entered the world, why her, and... it just doesn't seem likely that a person would be walking around normally one day and be in a different world the next. I've no idea why the new world is different to the ''normal' one except that it's more technologically advanced. That makes it about as similar as 90% of the other sci-fi books. So I guess I wouldn't really pick this up, no. Sorry ):

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:44:10 -0700

@939usak What do you mean when you say Kara's brother spends his time "largely at gunpoint"? Does this mean he spends time doing target practice, or he he spends time doing things that can get him shot at? The way you've worded it makes me think the latter, but I'm unsure. This phrase needs some tweaking. What war? Tell us how this new world is different. What do we now view as science fiction that is reality in Kara's world? Give us one example of this, and the reader will be intrigued by what else is different. If you explain how the world is different and give us a hint of what this war's about, we won't really need the next sentence that war isn't what it used to be. Love the ending line! Gives the right amount of intrigue and makes the reader want to find out more. I'm going to choose Deathwatch as the title. Sounds cooler than Titanheart. Hope this helps!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Learned — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:53:46 -0700

I'd condense the first paragraph into one sentence. It leaves too many questions unanswered-- why did her father abandon the family at the moment when her sister turned 18? Just say she grew up without parents. I actually like the idea of "spare hours largely at gunpoint," though you can make it more precise ("mostly at gunpoint"). I think it has a funny tone, because it sounds almost casual even though it's gunpoint. I'm confused with the war, and "war not meaning what it used to", and "technological paradise" and "succumb to the forces around her" (what forces?). Try to focus on concrete and specific details rathe than sociological analysis to bring this alternate universe to life, e.g., I love the idea of a scientist who's her age. I would also like the title of the novel to be explained.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:40:42 -0700

I think I agree with the general thrust of reviews here -- that most of the information in the first paragraph is something that would be better off told in story, especially if it consists of things that are largely going to go unexplained. I do think you need to focus the blurb on the hook of the story -- and the premise of waking up in a new, sci-fi world, is definitely your hook. I would say that, if you want to discuss Kara's backstory in the blurb itself, I'd contrast it with the new world, because in terms of the hook, we care about Kara's backstory in how different it may or may not be from the world she is now confronting. I like the title Deathwatch the most, too, but I'm not 100% sure how either of them fit in with the plot, so I would hesitate to tell you which I think is better for the story. All in all, this is something I'd flip through in the bookstore and read a couple of scenes of. The premise interests me, even if the writing doesn't absolutely grab me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:34:41 -0700

I actually disagree with Dani Marchand on the summary. I think it's really well written and makes me want to read it. I think leaving out details about the mother and brother add to the mystery. So, when she's transported to this new world, her brother won't know where she is, right? It makes me think that maybe he'll turn his life around and try to find her, or something. I'm really damn interested now. To be blunt, Titanheart is just stupid sounding enough that maybe it'd work for a sequel, like Dani said. Deathwatch is a cool sci-fi name, though. (Obviously that's just my opinion - lots of sci-fi seems to have "titan" in the title, too!) Great sci fi has great ideas, and this is a great idea. Ignorance is bliss VS find out more about WTF is going on (dark side to this wonderland? I hope so!) = compelling! Anyway, love the blurb, would actually read it if it was published or something. Can't say that about a ton of NaNo novels (including mine).

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

vmorr — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:23:49 -0700

I prefer the first title - it just sounds more exciting to me. I think Titanheart would be better for the second novel. I personally think that you reveal a bit too much (Kara's surname, when her father abandons the family, the ways in which her brother is messed up, for example) which kind of kills the mystery for me. I think your novel would be exciting to read based on the premise, but I think maybe you should start the blurb with someone that grabs the reader a bit more. When I read "Kara Clayton never knew her parents", I know nothing about her or her life, so I don't care. The second paragraph grips me a lot more - it's obviously something different, rather than a generic story of a girl who loses everything. If you could build on that, I think the blurb would be great. As long as the blurb is convincingly written, I think the reader will be into almost any premise. "Yet paradise comes with the price of ignorance, and this world is not all that is seems" - I love that sentence, and that makes me want to read your novel :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:15:36 -0700

On the blurb, I share your concerns about the awkward passages. I would use a metaphor (I went with a wrecking ball, but you might come up with something better) to tie Kara's past to her present and then to where the story really takes off - the future, or what will happen to her next. _______________________________________________________________________________________________ Kara Clayton knew personal suffering in a way most people would never understand; her past experiences could be summed up like a series of wrecking balls, one after another, smashing into her. (the past) Still, she drew strength from these past tragedies. They taught her to hold her head high, to roll with the punches. She truly thought herself fully prepared for the next wrecking ball to come along. But a small group of scientists have invented a new type of wrecking ball and they have targeted her.... (the present) This latest life smashing event may prove to much even for her. After all - in this new paradise and new body she awakens to - SUFFERING doesn't quite mean what it used to. (The future) ________________________________________________________________________________________________ See how a nice metaphor can tie it all together. (I'm not sure how she gets into this new world, but I needed a necessary plot detail to transition from the present to the future and made up the bit about scientists, hope you don' t mind me taking liberties. I don't want to override your story details, just provide an example) On the issue of the title, I would suggest drawing it from one of the themes of the story...but without intimate knowledge, I can't provide a lot of feedback. I gather she ultimately has to make a choice between this new paradise and returning to her old world of wrecking balls. She sounds to me like a wrecking ball sort of girl who won't succumb to the false lies of this Utopian paradise, so...."The Woman that Broke Paradise", or simpler, "Shattering Paradise"

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:19:40 -0700

[quote=Dani Marchand] So her mother was murdered and her brother spends time at gunpoint. That feels unsatisfying to me. I want to know who murdered her mother and what's up with her brother straight away if you're going to bother telling me. The mystery, the hook, is in the hows and whys behind it all. This is just my opinion, of course, but I'd rather you just call her mother dead and her brother an outlaw for now. [/quote] I think that I said the brother thing more for dramatic effect- it's going to probably be too much trouble to work with something that convoluted. I started working on this story two years ago, and that's when the blurb was written as well, so some of my ideas need to be updated. As for the mother being murdered- well, it's an unsolved case. That's the whole point of it, because it's always nagging at the back of Kara's mind. Trust me, she wants to be told just as much as you do who killed her mother. :) That question is intended to bug readers for a while. I like what you said about changing the opening line, and I'll try to re-write it with that in mind. Cutting the line about the scientist bugs me just a little bit; he's the one who saves her life and unbeknownst to her, has been falling in love with her ever since he got assigned to her project. But maybe I need to work that in in another way. Thanks for the critique! I will be sure to comment on yours when you post it. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:40:51 -0700

There are no mistakes with the format of a critique here. It's whatever you want it to be. The feedback on the tragic backstories is useful. I'll definitely have to work on that with my other characters as well as Kara. I'll try to cut out as much of that as I can, since every time I do it it makes the story a little less believable. I suppose if I really wanted to, I could make Kara's life happy and give her parents that love her. I could try that; I don't know if I could make it convincing though. I didn't grow up in a normal family, for one thing, so I would have a really hard time trying to write that, but I think I'll try to see if I can make that work for a few scenes to see if that improves the story, or at the very least as a writing exercise. :) My other characters are going to be problematic with this as well. It's hard to grow up with a normal life when on one side of your planet, people are still fighting with machetes, and on the other side, people are engineering a slave race. There are two races specifically bred for fighting and the ones doing all the engineering have no sense of ethics. It all leads to a real mess, and "normal childhood" doesn't really factor well into this equation. Thanks for the feedback and the honesty- it's good to get a sense of what my readership will and won't be like, and also to get critical reviews. If you post a summary, I'll be sure to comment on it as well! :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:41:55 -0700

Hi, Chillibean. :D I agree with Christina on some of her points. At first I thought it was sci-fi (it sounded a little like The Giver), but then I saw it was dated in the past. Or is it like The Hunger Games, where there's a past in the future? And it would be good if the characters were a little bit more identified. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the second paragraph. It's a nice transition between paragraph one and three. The phrase "right under his nose" should be changed if you mean someone higher in rank than Klyte--who I don't think is Visere. Or is it? Oh noes, the suspense is already building before your book is even published. (And next thing you know, there will be shipping wars!) Civil war... well, that one I disagree with Christina. To need a team of liars, your kingdom must be some sort of unstable, right? I love the title, because it goes straight to the point without any ambigious symbolism. And as for cliche... I've never seen a book like this before. If you have, please tell me. I want to read it. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:33:59 -0700

I would definitely read this. As Christina pointed out, there's a slight problem with the fact that there's a group of vigilantes still running around. Maybe this is a bad suggestion, but Klyte probably thinks that the Liars are good at their job- so good, in fact, that he can only find one group who is seriously trying to oppose them, and he has to decide whether or not to give them in. I also really love the twist at the end. I feel like I want to know more about this character, but I'm not sure exactly what more I want to know. Um... that's not really helpful. :P Sorry. As for the title, it can't get any better. I would pull this off the shelf and look at the back cover in a heartbeat. Dystopian genres are definitely my thing, so even though I'm not terribly useful, I'm probably a fair example of your target audience. I did look at your profile synopsis, and I think you lost some of the important points here. I would definitely not describe Visere as a mentor though. I think the word captain is much more powerful. As for the hunting trip, I have a little trouble with the believability here. If you're planning a revolt, *why* would you give all the members of your rebellion away at the same time? This seems rather silly if they're as cunning as you say they are. Hm, and I think I rather like the fact that Visere is hiding in this summary, with a knife behind his back. The other blurb, IMO, just gave too much away... if I was interested in this book purely as a reader and not just as a novelist, I would be kind of annoyed with the fact that I already know Visere is trying to kill off the main character. It takes away some of the mystery. Anyway, if you're going to stick with the hunting trip, it'd be good to fit it in here somehow, as well as... well, I already know it's Visere now, so Visere's motive for trying to kill him. Haha anyway that was a lot of random thoughts so it might not be that useful, but I hope it helps. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:54:00 -0700

Chillibean, I like your title. Completely awesome. Okay, if Klyte is reluctant, why is he a part of this Lying Division? Is he drafted? I like how you introduce Visere with what he says and what he is. I would tweak your second paragraph to something like this. "Klyte soon sees that the King always has his way. Everyone who opposes him is "persuaded" otherwise. Whispers of rebellion result in mass interrogations. Vigilantes are supposed to be eliminated. Instead, they're ignored [why aren't they?] and they will kill for freedom." Watch your tenses, by the way. Third paragraph suggestion: "Then Klyte discovers that vigilanties and civil war aren't his primary problems, but a Liar who hates him." Okay, who does Klyte suspect is about to turn on him? You've got me interested. I like YA, and I might read this. A reluctant Liar has grabbed my attention. Great job!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Learned — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:01:23 -0700

I don't think this sounds cliche at all. I really like the premise of the plot. However I had to read the summary a few times to figure it out. Who is Visere in relation to Klyte? A fellow recruit? His boss? (Also, why does he have to say that the Lying Division is legal? It doesn't sound like the government enforces many rights.) The third paragraph shouldn't start with "then," in my opinion. It doesn't really happen sequentially after your second paragraph. Also your entire blurb is describing a situation (he IS the recruit, he doesn't BECOME the recruit), so it's weird to have a timeline suddenly impressed upon it. I'm also a little confused about why he shouldn't be afraid of the impending civil war. And who is the person right under his nose (and whose back? The person under Klyte's nose, or Klyte himself). My overall impression is that I like the ideas of this prologue a lot, and I think it goes into the right level of detail, but you should tinker with some of the wording.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:49:16 -0700

I also like the premise, and this sounds like something I might pick up. The first paragraph flows very well, and I don't think I'd want any more information in the blurb than what you give in the second paragraph. I do agree that -- while it probably makes sense within the novel itself, why vigilantes looking for revolt aren't stamped out seems to contrast rather starkly with Klyte seeing just how good the Liars are with their jobs. Maybe if you cut Klyte's observation and simply described the job before mentioning the vigilantes, it would feel a little less like a contradiction -- you can save their competence for the story itself. I also really like the final paragraph; it promises enough intrigue to make me open the book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:13:47 -0700

Haha there's nothing wrong with your sentence as far as I can see. ;) I'd probably revise it to "I prefer one-word titles which are actual words," but that's just because I'm in nitpicky editing mode, haha. :D I like how you said "start where the story starts." I had the hardest time when I wrote this blurb, because Kara is so hard to define- at least in the beginning, she's defined by all the events that are coming at her. And you're right, the story is about the new world, but the thing is, at least currently, the family is where the story starts. Then she gets into a car crash, and a scientist saves her brain patterns and transfers them into a different alien body. :) Okay, I'm combining my commentary on "war doesn't mean what it used to" and "what's different about this story?" Well, let's see. We have a bunch of genetically engineered races, some of which are Nomads, elves, Hinterlanders, Enkeli, and transhumans. Nomads are immortal and basically go around performing murder for hire. If you pay them enough money, they'll fight on your side. Then, just when you think that you're going to win a war and your troubles are finally over, they turn around and go to your enemies and say, "Guess what? You're about to be crushed. If you don't want that to happen, you'd better pay us so that we can fight for you." And then they repeat the process. You get the picture. The elves are based on Tolkein's novels. Basically a bunch of Zenobians got their hands on the books and thought it would be sweet to create a race based on that image. The Hinterlanders are a slave race created by the elves, the Enkeli can fly, and the transhumans can do anything from shooting lightning bolts out of their hands to mindreading, depending on how they're engineered. :) So, I don't know if that's different enough, but if you can point me to a book that has all this plus elves riding motorcycles, maybe I'll just stop writing and pick that up instead. :D Haha, jk, that's not all there is to my novel, but I don't want to take up too much space. ;) Haha and we care about the "babysitter" as you call him because he saved her life by transferring her brain patterns after she crashed her car into a ravine. And has been slowly falling in love with her despite the fact that they live lightyears away from each other and are genetically incompatible, seeing as how they're from different planets. :) Although the babysitter comment will make a really good comeback when Kara gets ticked off at him. :D Okay I'm going to try and critique yours now... thanks so much for the help!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:22:49 -0700

I agree with most of the previous critiquer. Your story hook is Kara waking up in a different world-- I would start your blurb with that and maybe detail a little more about what being drafted into the war means in this world; that part is confusing right now, but it also seems like it's the crux of your story. We don't really need to know about her messed-up family on the back, I think-- that kind of thing can be revealed in the novel itself.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Christina Huling — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:26:11 -0700

[quote=Christina Huling] Title: love it and would definitely pick it up to read the back cover. Summary: I'd like to get more information, even a glimpse, of the world this takes place in. At first, I thought it was modern, but then there were peasants, and a king, and it was a little confusing. Also, I thought some of the second paragraph was unnecessary. In particular, the line that starts "any whisper of rebellion" seemed kind of extraneous. Maybe a super-fast explanation of who Visere is should be added. Something like (I'm guessing who Visere is), "Visere, his commander, says..." would make things clearer. Also, why is he reluctant to be a member of the Lying Division? (i.e. are they somehow infamous, etc.)? And Klyte sees how good Liars are at their job, but they aren't actually stamping out vigilantes and rebellion? And (this is me being really picky) I don't know if "right under his nose" is good phrasing for the end, especially since we don't know who you mean (although I'm guessing Visere). If my guess is right, I suggest changing it to somethIng like "right in front of him," because, to me at least, "right under his nose" sort of implies he's higher than them on the food chain. Also, the last paragraph was the first mention of the im [/quote] Grrr stupid phone... that wasn't done. My last sentence was, the last paragraph was the first mention of the impending civil war, which left me a little confused. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I'm trying to be as helpful and specific as I can.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:33:07 -0700

Not at all harsh :) And all your points are very valid! Thank you very much ^^ I shall be cutting a lot! [quote=Christina Huling]And Klyte sees how good Liars are at their job, but they aren't actually stamping out vigilantes and rebellion?[/quote] ...That is... such a good point. *headbash* And the worst is that I didn't even notice. [quote=My last sentence was, the last paragraph was the first mention of the impending civil war, which left me a little confused.[/quote] Gahh. Oops. [quote=Christina Huling]And (this is me being really picky) I don't know if "right under his nose" is good phrasing for the end, especially since we don't know who you mean (although I'm guessing Visere). If my guess is right, I suggest changing it to somethIng like "right in front of him," because, to me at least, "right under his nose" sort of implies he's higher than them on the food chain.[/quote] Ahhh, thanks :) And don't worry, absolutley not picky! Yes, Visere was mentioned partly for that purpose... But yes. Thank you very much for your critique, and I shall make sure to follow everything you say! ^^

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:33:17 -0700

Aaaand coding fail. >.<

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:45:22 -0700

I'm sorry. :( I apologize for my insensitivity.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 01:54:37 -0700

Hello =D Ahh. Hmm, do you have any suggestions on how to make it sound more medieval fantasy? (Oh no, not like the Hunger Games ^^) I think I'll add a small introduction for Visere, like Christina suggested. I'm thinking the second paragraph is the cliche one, since...well... yeah. Haha, hurray for the suspense! :) (Shipping wars? Oh no-- I mean, awesome!) Absolutely unstable :D As for the cliche, I was just worried about the 'tyrant king and rebellion' and all that, but if you don't think so, then that's good news! Thank you so much for the critique ^^

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:14:16 -0700

Huh? No, you weren't insensitive! And that was really, really helpful! :D Stop apologizing for being awesome. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:05:45 -0700

Perhaps change the bit about "Sixteen-year-old Klyte." It sounds too modern. I'm not really familiar with the medieval stuff, but maybe replace that with "At sixteen and almost a man, Klyte..." Er, something like that, medieval-ly and old.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:12:35 -0700

Hiya :) I'm inclined to critique yours since you did such a wonderful job on mine! I quite like your setup for the blurb, it describes your world's setting nicely. I selective-read a lot, so I skipped straight to your blurb after your title and missed the genre section. So at first I thought it was fantasy (You know, powers and such) but then the Mississippi River kind of threw me off, and the next paragraph c hanged it back to fantasy again. Then the 'Americas are stirring from their history' made it sound like historical fiction. So I didn't get it was Sci-fi at all until the last sentence, which confused me even more D: I don't particularly like the listing of what happens (at the beginning of your second paragraph). It violates the showing, not telling rule, which is a rule I like (but fail at). Perhaps you should describe two of the most important/interesting events briefly, and then ignore the rest. Although I do love the last part of your sentence ^^ You kind of did alude to the two other main characters (are those the two strangers you mentioned?) though I missed that until your explanation... This does sound like an epic novel, though! Very dramatic :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:19:49 -0700

I agree on the "showing, not telling" thing. Just as far as grammar goes, this would throw me off. I would change your first two sentences to "For as long as Adri can remember, she has had the supernatural ability to control objects with her mind. And for as long as she can remember, she has resented this ability." Even with the grammar revisions though, the tenses are awkward, and the sentences are repetitive. I think to fix this you would need to summarize the novel in the present, something which is common convention even for novels set in the past. I agree that the second paragraph needs clarification. I am confuzzled. :) Also, I'm the sort of person who would be immediately turned off by an author referring to me in his summary with "in our world's not-so-distant future." Also, the last two words in your blurb are a cliche, which may not bode well with a potential reader. I also want to know more about the deforms and the Pawns. I also don't like the phrase "barely-teens." I think if you focused more on the action in the novel and emphasized the past-present flux of things, it would lead to less confusion. I'd be interested to see a re-write of this. :) The English teacher who gave you extra credit for NaNo might have some suggestions too, if you feel comfortable sharing with him/her. Based on this blurb and the novel excerpt you posted, I'm not really interested in reading this yet. I say yet because NaNo novels are really not the best things in the world to judge, as they inherently need tons of revision. The transitions between the paragraphs in your excerpt seem not to connect very well, and there is a lot of narrative summary, something that a lot of readers will glaze over. Then again, when I think about the corny stuff I wrote when I was 14, I can totally understand. My story has evolved so much since I was your age that it's not even funny. So if the story is able to grow with you, don't be surprised if it changes. A lot. And if it doesn't, then you'll have the experience, and since it takes about 10,000 hours to get really good at something, that means a lot. Haha sorry I don't even know where this rant came from... hope it doesn't sound patronizing, I'm just trying to say that expecting to get published like tomorrow isn't going to be a very realistic goal, and that fiction definitely grows with you. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:00:27 -0700

Forgive me if I sound harsh -- I think this might benefit from a line-by-line critique, so that's what I'm going to give you. "For as long as Adri remembers, she has the supernatural ability to control objects with her mind. " Cut the supernatural -- it's redundant. It's a good fact to start with, both because it obviously drives the story, and because it clearly marks the genre as spec fic, for those who are looking for it. "And for as long as she remembers, she resented this ability. In her time, such powers are dangerous in the kingdom of Kroling, where mass hangings occur daily for the wicked "deforms." Her whole life is dedicated to escaping the much-feared Pawns, traveling from town to city to town. At thirteen, however, her luck is about to run out when she is kidnapped by two strangers from the other side of the Mississippi River." I think, given the Mississippi River's mention, that you might want to be a little more specific when you mention "her time." Given Adri's name and the name of the kingdom, I assumed this was otherworld fantasy until mention of the Mississippi, so giving us, for example, a specific year might ground things a little better as a set up for this being in our world. On the other hand, you describe the world itself and the central conflict very well, and it sounds like a really interesting dystopia. As for your last paragraph -- either cut it entirely or explain a little more about how the Americas are "stirring." I'd mention the two other kids, if only as people she meets up with, if they're main characters, but if you're going to mention them, I'd mention them and the beginning of the semester and leave it at that. This sounds like something I might be interested in, and it definitely sounds like something my little sister, who's about your age, would devour, so I wish you luck with any edits.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

vmorr — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:28:00 -0700

I think you use "remembers" too much in the first sentence, and I don't think "barely-teens" makes sense, but I think the rest of the blurb is pretty great, if a little short. I love the sentence "In this odyssey of metal wars, bastardly rulers, past relics, mutated monsters, urban survival, and a shifting century of past and present, the Americas are stirring from their history." The only thing that hinted at Sci-fi for me was the above sentence, but that may not be a bad thing.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:24:13 -0700

(Dis is de original version. I changed a few immediate problems/issues I can resolve right now. Mostly the first few sentences. Otherwise, it is unmarked.) (On second thought, I decided to leave the original headings here as well.) Not a Hero For as long as Adri remembers, she has the ability to control objects with her mind. But in her time, such powers are dangerous in the kingdom of Kroling, where mass hangings occur daily for the wicked "deforms." Her whole life is dedicated to escaping the much-feared Pawns, traveling from town to city to town. At thirteen, however, her luck is about to run out when she is kidnapped by two strangers from the other side of the Mississippi River. Not a Leader Until the Queen bombs her home, Zoe's life is completely normal. She lived her life in East Base of the United States of the West League with her family, doing well in classes, crushing on the President's son, and even completing her first mission in the enemy country of Kroling. But then her mother dies in flames before her very own eyes, and Zoe is separated from the rest of West Base during the raid. To reunite with everyone, she teams up with the two remaining souls in East Base: Adri and Favyen. But how will she lead them through the many countries of USW to Central Base—more than one thousand miles away? Not a Genius Favyen is a loner. He was dragged into this mess by two annoying girls, who thought it would be fun to explore the West Base's outer boundaries just before the raid started. He can't stand Zoe's cheerfulness, can't accept Adri's attitude, but his lack of survival skills force him to follow the two idiots. Out of the three, his desperation for returning to the USW Bases is the strongest—after all, United States of the West was his only hope of ever seeing his family ever again.... In this odyssey of metal wars, bastardly rulers, past relics, mutated monsters, urban survival, and a shifting century of past and present, the Americas are stirring from their history. Along the way, three barely-teens find their way from start to finish a breathtaking adventure in our world's not-so-distant future. - Concerns: It is very long. And the headings like "Not a Hero" should be cut off as well, since it smells suspiciously of Riordan. As others have mentioned, the listing of the paragraph "In this odyssey of..." is telling instead of showing, and there are quite a few cliches hidden there. Also, the dating of the story is blurry.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:09:38 -0700

Hmm, good idea :) I will think of something, thanks!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:57:31 -0700

Ahhh, that sounds brilliant now! I'd definitely pick it up ^_^ I LOVE your nomads and elves! 8D That is so awesome! xD See, the problem is that most of this isn't mentioned in your blurb, which makes it less interesting to people like me who don't know anything. I'd say add a little bit of that into your blurb, to spice it up. I'd pick it up in a heartbeat ^^

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:45:07 -0700

Car crash sounds important, and needs to be mentioned in your blurb.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:28:26 -0700

Yeah, the blurb definitely needs to mention all these weird alien races. Even if the story starts with the family, start your blurb there. Something like "Kara's life isn't perfect, but then, whose is? Still, she doesn't realize just what she had until she gets in a car crash. When she wakes up, she's in an entirely different body-- and an entirely different time. The world is no longer as she remembers, instead populated with several new and strange genetically-engineered species, including [examples]. To top it all off, she's drafted into a war she barely understands." From there you can detail examples of what the war is about and the complications she finds. But the above gives us a much better feel for what the story is about. (I would also suggest your actual story start as close to the car crash as possible; the story should begin at the point of change.)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 03:09:10 -0700

Hiya :) Aww, thank you for the critique =D It's very helpful! Hmmm, that's a very interesting suggestion... :) Though I don't think it'll fit with my story very well, so perhaps I won't use it... But I'll keep it in mind! ^^ Oh, you like it? Yay! xD *hugs target audience* Gehh, I'm sorry, I just realised my epic fail. The Lying Division was supposed to go on the hunting trip, not the vigilantes. *headbash* The way I phrased it was very misleading... Sorry! Going to change it now! I...totally forgot it was a spoiler. Oops. Don't worry, it was very useful! ^_^ Thank you so much! I guess I should merge both blurbs together... that would work, right?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:31:27 -0700

Thanks so much for the advice! And I'm glad you like it. :D I figured we could come to an understanding somehow, haha. ;) Yes, I think this is the key to an awesome re-write. *I'll be back.* -Said in a James Bond style :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:16:05 -0700

Merge them together, spoiler free, with a few other edits as suggested by the other readers, and maybe re-post it? I at least would be interested in seeing a re-write. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:16:32 -0700

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm going to cringe at whatever I wrote ten years from now. But I force myself to set higher expectations so I can improve. :) And I'll definitely fix the blurb. The paragraph sounded all wrong, but there is nothing revising (and revising, and revising, and revising, and revising, AND revising) can't do. Thank you very much for your advice on spelling & grammar!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:13:27 -0700

A cover blurb doesn't need to be scary. It just needs to tell the reader that this is going to be a scary story, which I think yours does a pretty good job of. I'm not sure what makes this 'fantasy horror' over just 'horror', so if Daniel is a wizard or something then you might want to make that more explicit. Possibly you just mean that it's horror with supernatural elements? Anyway, before I dig into your actual sentences, I thought it might be helpful (to you and the rest of this thread) to take a look at a real cover blurb. I picked one from your genre (I think), supernatural horror. Charles Straub's Ghost Story, probably the spookiest, most 'turn the lights on when you go into the livingroom at night' novel I've read in a decade. ---- In life, not every sin goes unpunished. GHOST STORY For four aging men in the terror-stricken town of Milburn, New York, an act inadvertently carried out in their youth has come back to haunt them. Now they are about to learn what happens to those who believe they can bury the past -- and get away with murder. ---- This isn't, in and of itself, scary. It's evocative and it tells me just what to expect: a revenge story in small-town New England with a ghost haunting its accidental murderers. I posted this because I see a lot of people in the thread saying, "There's not enough information! Show instead of tell!" etc., which are good advice for writing but terrible advice for a cover blurb. You don't want to tell the reader everything. You want to tell the reader just enough to make them want to find out more...by buying your book! So on to your actual blurb. I like the first paragraph, but I'd suggest changing the second half of the second sentence. I get what you're going for, I just think it could be worded better. Maybe something (and I know this is cliche, but cliches exist because they were effective enough to be copied ad nauseum) like "The turn over rate is non-existant; there's been no new blood on the staff in over a decade." Paragraph two I'd rather see you front-load the drama ahead of the facts. He's heard the awful rumors...now he's going to work there. This would then flow better into what he finds out. Also, don't tell me that the rumors are frightening. You don't need to start characterizing Daniel yet and maybe I, the reader, am not frightened by sacrifices and brain washings. You can tell me that those are the least of the rumors, or the most benign, but my brain kind of rebels at the "Look! This is scary!" I feel like paragraph 3 should be two sentences, just because paragraphs one and two were two sentences. You established a cadence and the final, two-word paragraph would be punchier if you kept your cadence right up to there. Maybe work the fact that someone has a plan for Daniel into the first sentence obliquely, then, in a second sentence, say that he's at the prison for just one reason... To die. <-- I like this :) It's cheesy and horror-trite, but I love that. It's a great way to close out a cover blurb.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:40:44 -0700

I really love the concept. Although, I tend to find prison life type stuff fascinating (Shawshank, etc), and I imagine a lot of people do, too. I'm interested because it sounds like there could be someone really creepy running it. Someone really scary and tough - because of the non-existent turnover. The "... and those are the least frightening" is a little cheesy, maybe. I don't know - that kind of sarcasm usually falls flat for me. Books that say things like that never live up to things actually being scary. Like "Killers, thieves, rapists... and that's the good part." Really? So what are you going to invent that's like 20x worse than that? I'm not saying YOU won't live up to it, but a lot of novels don't. Other than that, I would totally check it out.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:32:39 -0700

I like this. Personally I would add in a line about the place being somewhat infamous in between "best in the country" and "turnover rate is non-existent." If someplace has not hired anyone in ten years, I'm immediately suspicious that there is some shady stuff going down there, because that is just not natural. It would make sense that rumors would start to be passed around about such a place. That would increase the scariness of being told you have to go work there. I do agree that if there's supernatural weirdness involved you might mention it, otherwise it just sounds like horror. Otherwise it's a convincing blurb. I wouldn't read it personally because I don't like horror, but it certainly grabs my attention.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:33:47 -0700

Oh wow! What an awesome critique. Thank you. It will definitely help. I love the Ghost Story blurb. I will work on mine. Thanks again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:55:25 -0700

It's actually a prison for supernatural creatures, which necessitates the need for supernatural guards. Should that somehow be in the blurb? Seems like maybe it should. Daniel is human, but does have a special gift which is the reason for the transfer. Hmmmm See, now I'm thinking the whole thing needs to be changed. Something that let's the reader know they are about to enter a prison where vampires, demons, werewolves and angels coexist (hence fantasy), but that there's a good chance he won't live to see his 20th birthday. Not as a human, at least. Thoughts, ideas, comments?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:26:28 -0700

"shivering in the grip of the plague" should be "shivering in the grip of plague"; sorry, no edit button.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 09:16:50 -0700

I'm not feeling the title. It doesn't tell me anything about this story. And while this is a sequel book, you don't need to bore your reader with the events in the previous book. Maybe a brief mention, but not to the extent you've got. I would start with the second paragraph, because that's where I got interested. "There's a new drug that kills one in four, but leaves the other three faster, stronger, and tougher. I have been given the task of wiping this drug off the streets." This blurb might be easier to write if you weren't writing in first person POV. Okay, why is a crippled desposed prince given this assignment? Is it because of what happened in the previous book, and his handicap won't stop him? If so, then the prince wouldn't be worried about it while telling this to us. He'd say something like "Nothing's going to stop me from getting it done -- not my handicap, not the plague, and not the threat to my sister's life." I don't understand the "payments to my sister's keeper." From your first sentence in your second paragraph, I assume it's the same sister, and she's in danger. I had to read your last paragraph more than once to understand that "brother of the New Londond tradecrafter's Guild" meant he was a member. This is my suggestion for the third paragraph, eliminating parts I find unnecessary. "My name is Halflight. I am a thief and a blade for hire. I am the secret weapon of the City Watch. I am the desposed prince of a kingdom that murdered its noble class. This is my story." You don't mention the woman before then, so I find the love life bit unnecessary for the book blurb. But that's just me. The adventure part sounds cool. The drug you've created sounds awesome. But the aspect of the forbidden lover would personally make me pass, because I don't prefer stories of that nature. However, it sounds like you've got an amazing book on your hands. Keep tweaking it. Hope this critique helps. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

luckyomally — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:09:33 -0700

Okay, first of all... I like this a lot. I am most definitely interested in the book, and would open it prior to reading the back cover blurb. Just a thought: The title doesn't seem to justify the book. This seems to be an action-packed, keep you on your toes kind of story, and "Snow", quite honestly, reminds me of delicate little flakes falling from the sky. Of course, a title can easily be changed; this is not a big deal. You know, really, that's the only problem I have. I am intrigued by this blurb. Great job!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:16:58 -0700

Normally I'd argue first person blurbs generally don't work. This does. I agree that the first paragraph seems slightly unlikely -- I'm guessing it's a summary/reminder of what happened in the first book, since this is a sequel? I'd leave it out, then -- "Leadletter's gone to ground since his Presses fell" tells returning readers what has happened since the end, and indicates to new ones that something has gone before. The second paragraph also contains your hooks, so. . . . I'm also not feeling the title, especially if it's not a good "summer" to be Halflight. It feels quiet -- which this definitely isn't. What was the title of the first novel, may I ask -- and is there a way this title could tie into that one, because that feels like it might be the way to start fishing for a new one.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:11:45 -0700

Okay, I'm going to take a shot at your title. Bear with me here, some of these will probably be totally awful. :) "Frozen"- seems decent as a title because the victims of a plague called "snow" would be frozen. Not the most original title in the world, but it's more compelling than snow... :D "Bladefrost" or "Frostblade"- just piecing random words together out of your summary that sounded cool. "The Cold Thief"- I got this one from typing in words to this site that I thought fit your novel. http://www.fictionalley.org/primer/title.html "Killing for Thieves"- haha this sounds like a how-to manual and it's totally awful. But I put it in here for comic relief because it made me laugh. :D Okay, some of those were probably pathetic, but at least I tried! I would recommend going to the website I listed by "The Cold Thief" and try typing in some of the key words for your novel... you probably know better which words describe your novel. :) Okay, on to the blurb. I think your first paragraph could benefit from brevity. I want the details of who and what. Your character stole something- the most valuable book in New London. And I want you to tell me who you stole it from, and contextualize this person. At this point, I don't care about how you did it- I just want to be hit by the punch of your first paragraph- that you stole something valuable and got away with it. Telling me how you did it is redundant if I've read your first book, and spoils the book for me if I haven't. It's a lose/lose situation. Similarly, in the second paragraph, the thing I most care about is the drug. At this point, I don't know your character, so I don't care about his small-scale problems. I care about bigger things. I want your character to be stronger than this. I kind of want to shake him upside down and say, "Okay, so you can't hold down a job and you're paying someone to take care of your sister. Fine. We all have problems. But A)- you just stole the most valuable book in the country- why are you so poor in the first place? And B) I don't care if you have to babysit your sister yourself and eat out of dumpsters. 25% of the people who are trying this drug are dying, and the other 75% are turning into city-crushing monsters. So stop whining and get your butt out there. Gahhh." /rant Because, see, I don't really care about your character's problems. Okay, so he's in love and has money troubles- how is this different from the plot of any other book I've read? Your story is different because your world is different. Your story is different because people are dying and only a thief can stop this from happening. And what do I essentially care about in your story? I care that the stakes are high, that the problems are big, that something important will be lost if your character doesn't succeed. I care that everything looks dark and your character has no chance of success- unless he does something impossible. I care that he tries with everything he's got to do this impossible thing, and that he succeeds- or if he fails, that at least he goes down fighting and fails with valor. Also, I really like the premise of your story. But I have to admit that if I saw this line- "the lover of a woman who can hardly bear to be touched"- on the back of a book in a bookstore, I would be seriously annoyed. Your character can have a love interest. That's fine. I might even enjoy it in the book. But, sorry, this line just makes me roll my eyes. I don't know why. It's something I seriously want to control, because otherwise the book sounds awesome. But it seems like a sappy line to me, and I don't do sappy. Especially in the middle of an action-packed story that I would otherwise enjoy. :) Aaah, sorry. I feel like I was really critical here (and really wordy), and I didn't mean to be. :( I really do enjoy the premise of the story. This is so, so close to being a compelling summary. So I'm only ripping into it because I care. :P And I had to type this twice because my internet went down, so try not to take this personally. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

FlameRaven — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:35:46 -0700

I like this a lot-- it has great voice, although it could be even stronger. The title is pretty weak, though, especially since the blurb says this book happens in summer. I don't know what the previous book was called, but I would name this book something more related to your world. You've got great names that give us an immediate feel for the place-- Leadletter, Presses, Halflight-- don't be so generic with the title itself. What's the name of this new drug? I'd name the book after that, if it has a cool name.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:20:25 -0700

Haha. :P I'm pretty sure the brother thing is completely ridiculous and is getting edited out. To be fair, I never actually wrote anything that crappy into my story. :D A lot of the ideas in the book are from 2-3 years ago, and really need to be updated. This was my 2009 NaNo novel, and I did the sequel for my NaNo this year to try and teach myself a little about outlining and plot organization, because I was convinced that without it my 2009 novel would be completely uneditable. Right now, this draft is really sparse, and needs major revision. But writing the sequel went so much better, even if everything is still jumbled up. I learned a lot about my characters, I have a lot of stuff that I can use for foreshadowing, and I think I have some sort of idea of how to outline now. So I'm pretty sure by now that that phrase is leaving. ;) (Haha yuck.) Yes, I'm pretty sure that when I do my re-write for this, the new world will have to have a lot more description. I'm glad you love the ending line. I'm rather fond of it myself. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:31:47 -0700

Aha! More brilliant advice. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:23:08 -0700

Definitely too much information. You were right in your critique of my blurb; keep it to the highlights and don't tell me the story. What do we need to know about this book? Based on what you have here, I'm going to guess: * Jasmine is a spoiled princess * Trevor is a rebellious man of the faith * Jasmine and Trevor are in love * The queen cares more about saving face than her daughter * Jasmine confronts her faith, her love for Trevor, and her loyalty to her mother and her country in order to decide what to do Those are five thoughts that are critical to knowing if this is a story I care about. The first three could, probably, be combined into one or two sentences. Don't tell me how the queen over-reacts or what it is that forces Jasmine's crisis. Just tell me that she clashes with her mother over duty vs. love. If your story starts with Jasmine and Trevor's meet-cute, or somewhere before it, then I definitely don't want to know that they're going to fall in love, she's going to go to prison, get out of prison, and so on and so forth before I even get to page 1. It works for movie trailers to show you the whole story in a 30 second burst, because a movie is only 90-120 or so minutes long, which isn't much time, in the grand scheme of things, to devote to filling in the details on a story you already know. A novel can take days or weeks to read, depending on how quickly the reader reads; that's a long time to be essentially going through the motions with a story you already know most of the events for. There are a lot of comments on this thread about people wanting more info in blurbs. This is exactly the opposite of what you want in a blurb. You want to pare it down to the point where it has just enough information to give the reader a sense of the story without actually telling them anything important about the plot. Ideally they should come away with a bunch of questions and only one answer, to the question, "Do I want to read this book?"

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:46:14 -0700

You, quite literally, had me with the first paragraph. I didn't need anything else after that. Once I found out her mom is the Queen, I'd have tucked it under my arm and taken it home. The rest, I assume, is in the book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

CupboardOfWonders — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:59:49 -0700

The Title didn't really grab me. I think it might be too long, and some readers (even romance ones) may be thrown off by the 'True Love' mentioned. In my opinion it suggests that everything will end up alright, because 'True Love Conquers All'. I personally prefer romance in which the couple's future is uncertain, and the word 'love' isn't really mentioned until the very end, and from the title I'd think this wasn't the case. On the other hand, in the actual blurb, I think that you mentioned just enough about Trevor to intrigue me and I probably would read it to know what exactly he says that would elicit such a response. However, I think that mentioning Jasmine being thrown into the dungeon could be missed out. To me (and I'm probably wrong, but from the blurb alone) it seems like a lot of time is going to be spent in this dungeon, and I'd feel I knew too much of what is going to happen. I hope that I wasn't too mean! I don't usually critique things... Anyway, don't be put off by my comments. I probably would read it, and I am interested in the plot :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:47:42 -0700

Would removing the third paragraph help pare things down but still hit the highlights?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:38:46 -0700

I think it would be better if you stopped after the second paragraph, actually. I think at that point you've revealed one (possibly major) plot element, but probably one that's necessary to tell us about the story. The rest of it I don't think needs telling in a blurb. I would also re-word the ending of the last sentence in the second paragraph. It's not immediately clear that you mean "...and her love for her mother" from the construction of the sentence.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:54:41 -0700

Well, that depends. I went and read your excerpt on your author info, so now I see what you meant. The big question is: does everyone know that it's a prison for monsters? I'm assuming, from the excerpt, that monsters are not known to be real to the general public in your world. So I don't think you should give it away in the blurb, either. Finding out just what is going on at the prison is probably a major part of the plot and you don't necessarily want the reading thing, "What? The warden isn't a lunatic; he's a vampire! It's obvious!" because he knows to expect monsters. I think instead of mentioning blood sacrifices and brain washings, go with some more generic, monstery rumors, linked to both the staff and the inmates. "He's heard the rumors of course: Arcadia makes the strangest, most violent inmates vanish from the prison system, and that the wardens aren't much better." I'm sure you could do better than that, but something along those lines would say 'Not all is as it seems, but it's not just that they're doing crazy experiments and/or running a cult". Also, I'd totally read your book now that I know what it's about. It sounds like a great idea and one I've not seen done before. There are stories about people hunting down monsters, but usually they sidestep the issue of dealing with them once caught. If you want a reader for it let me know, though I make no promises I'll be able to critique before the new year.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:05:56 -0700

Edited blurb: Jasmine was a spoiled princess who was always right until she met Trevor, a clergyman unafraid to tell the truth. Trevor makes a habit of condemning the Queen, a crime punishable by death. Intrigued by his beliefs and the honesty that could get him killed, Jasmine keeps meeting the young man. But when the two fall in love, Jasmine is forced to reveal her secret relationship and her new faith to her mother, the Queen. Angry at Jasmine's deceit, the Queen throws her daughter in prison to change the stubborn girl's mind. It is in the cells of the dungeons that she learns both the depths of her faith and the strength of her love...for her mother. Jasmine's determination to forgive becomes a struggle when she learns of a loved one's death at the Queen's hand.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:25:46 -0700

You've raised a couple of questions for me -- the two most relevant being "why was Melody forced to move?" [which sounds like it could be kept out of the synopsis and introduced in the book proper in any case] and why does there seem to be an instant dislike between Melody and Jane [this I would want to see at least hinted at in the summary, because the relationship between Melody and Jane seems to be central to the story, and I feel like I should know a little more about Jane's personality than that Melody considers her to have an attitude -- Melody I've got some sense of from her description of the town of Parva]. The line "However, just when Melody is at the peak of her experience in Parva, her world unexpectedly comes crashing down. " also confuses me a little, because I haven't the least idea what experiences are peaking -- you haven't told me whether she's started to settle or not, or how well it's going, so her experience "peaking" is essentially meaningless to me. I do really like the description of Parva versus California, though, because it does give me some sense of Melody. To be honest, this isn't really my genre, although it sounds like something my sister would have read and enjoyed when she was 14/15.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:46:07 -0700

My first thought when I read this blurb: Oh. Melody moves away with her parents. I keep reading and discover her parents are still back in California. Don't worry about the subplots in the blurb. Focus on the main plot, which appears to a combination of the problem that sent Melody away and the issues that lay between Jane and Melody. My suggested tweaks: Fifteen-year-old Melody Bosworth is forced to move to her cousins' home in the small town of Parva, Louisiana. Her old life in California consisted of coffee and shopping on every corner -- this new one has...a barn. In addition, Melody now has to attend a private school with both snooty students and teachers. Jane is the only one of Melody's cousins who does not welcome her arrival. The tension between them escalates when Melody steals Jane's crush. Melody jumps at the chance to escape the drama of Parva for a mission trip in California. She has the opportunity while there to beg her parents to let her come back home. But is Parva the place where Melody will find the help she needs? Hope this helps!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:12:31 -0700

I'm terrible at titles most of the time. The working title was "Blood & Stone" (the working title of the previous one was "Blood & Paper", being as it dealt with a book) but the whole "Stone" thing wound up not making it in. Snow is the name of the drug that the story centers around.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Gibush — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:37:11 -0700

Blood & Snow would sound great, though.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

luckyomally — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:21:51 -0700

I found this very intriguing. Few notes: -Too much plot: I don't think there is too much plot at all. Just enough. -Too detailed: No not at all. -Is it boring: No, I was hooked by the first sentence. -Central dilemma: I believe the dilemma is trying to save the Lady of Shalott while England is in a state of chaos. Am I right? -Cliche "deepest fears": I found it an excellent hook as well. Only problem: "Every legend has grain of fact..." That seemed severely misplaced; it almost turned me off the book. I would just take it out completely. End on "a young shepherd's impossible romance." Probably weird of me, but just letting you know. All and all, I really liked this! I would read your novel based on this blurb. Fantastic job!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:31:54 -0700

First of all, I'm a huge fan of everything Arthurian and I would probably scoop this up in a heartbeat. Some thoughts --I actually disagree with luckyomally, and I'd say ax the second to last sentence, but keep the last one, perhaps as a new paragraph. It feels too "out of the story" and the courage, sacrifice, and romance have already been implied by the rest of the summary, so it feels repetitive as well. I don't feel like it's too detailed, and I certainly don't think you've given me too much plot. I'm not 100% sure what Artur's central dilemma is, although you've definitely set up the idea of a romance and trying to make that happen in spite of the chaos going on around them. "Conquer his deepest fears" may be a little cliche, but I'm not sure who you should replace it with.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 11:43:31 -0700

I should have just made the concerns box my blurb :|

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:17:44 -0700

Okay, to address the blurb and your concerns at the same time: I'm going to assume that the novel's in first person and that the title is from his point of view. I'll warn you now it's not a title that I'd pick up in the first place, but I'm not good with titles in the first place so I have nothing to offer as an alternative. But the blurb grabs me a little as an introduction to the character -- is it a quote from the book? If you feel like it captures the character, could you use it as a quoted first paragraph and then switch to third to give a more plot-oriented introduction to the book [and perhaps a more objective view of Scipio]. I happen to rather like first person fantasy and unreliable narrators intrigue me, so I might take a look at the first page if that was the blurb on the back, but having no sense of the plot would frustrate me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Learned — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:19:08 -0700

What strikes me most about your blurb is that it lacks conflict. I think it's fine to write in the first person if you include quotations. But I would give the character some sort of challenge. Judging from your "concerns" box, there is a LOT of conflict happening in the book. So I would find a way to incorporate that into your blurb. I would also like a motivation to read about a character that you consider to be "completely useless as anything other than a packmule." Will I be laughing at him throughout the book? Is he an antihero? If you don't like your main character, then I need to know why I should spend a whole book with him. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:00:07 -0700

Good idea! Feel free to rewrite and repost, it's what I'm doing! :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:25:24 -0700

I'm not even sure the brother thing fits with the story anymore... I liked that line more for dramatic impact, but obviously for several reasons that's not working. And I think I just had an epiphany, so I am rudely going to leave now and go re-write my synopsis. Thank you so much for that last sentence! And I will be sure to comment on yours later. Thank you. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:37:04 -0700

It sounds like a very interesting book, at least to me. I can't really say much about the title, as I'd need to see the whole book to give you a better one. If you're in need of a editor for the book, I'm willing to look it over for you.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:52:42 -0700

Not my type of book, but I think I can help with your blurb. Harley Black is a runaway psychic who is comfortable pretending he's a fake. Despite what his friends think, he is not a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades. Though he's never seen her before, Harley reembers a girl who thinks she's Hera. And whether or not Harley believes in the Titans, they certainly believe in him. Will Harley be forced to run again?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:20:06 -0700

The title is cliche, but the synopsis isn't (at least, I don't think it is... I haven't read enough of the genre to know). I wish I had some tips for changing the title, but I'm awful at coming up with names and titles and whatnot. I would just try to make the blurb flow better. Try telling somebody the synopsis as you would a friend or family member who asks you what it's about, and have them type or write down what you say. That can always be revised if there are fragments or anything, and it will sound more natural and flowing.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:06:33 -0700

It's an interesting story concept, but it's got kind of a "kids running around high school" feel, something that would probably make me look for something else to read. If your story is actually like this, then great, your blurb reflects that and you'll probably have a large target audience. If it's not, much of your target audience will be sitting in a corner cringing. I'm also not sure what this sentence means: "a psychic who will hint that he's a fake even while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head." I think I'm finally starting to understand that he actually hears dead people, but it's taken me a while. :) Also, it seems kind of weird that he would believe that he could do this, and not even question that he's Hades when everyone else seems so sure about it. There are also a lot of "excepts" in the blurb and it's kind of jumpy. I also think maybe you should mention what's at stake if they lose the battle in the end. Hm, I'm not sure what would make a good title for this either, or how to fit Zeus into the description. Sorry. Maybe I'm not the best person to critique this, as this sort of genre isn't really my thing. :) Hope I helped a little.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:39:08 -0700

The blurb is a paraphrase of about three pages in the very beginning when his personality is strongly hinted at.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chaos-Insanity — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:33:03 -0700

All the conflict was in the first book ^^; The second is entirely about Scipio trying to come to terms with his apparent lack of power when his parents are the two most powerful individuals behind the BigBad and the ex-BigBad. It's supposed to have a "If you believe in yourself, you can do anything." sort of moral.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

luckyomally — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:32:43 -0700

Thanks for your critique! Good points.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Josie Cloos — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:48:45 -0700

I think you hit it just right, Learned. I would lose the last line though. Like lucky said, it doesn't fit with the rest of the blurb and takes away from it.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:15:56 -0700

Titles (if I must change it): Jasmine's Choice Honor Thy Mother

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:54:26 -0700

I think you should edit out the last sentence. That's something the reader needs to learn from the novel itself. As for the rest of it, I'm going to point you to a website that I thought would be useful for you and the other romance writers: http://marilynnbyerly.com/blurb.html. You can read the example I posted to Crayons below for an example of how I would use the blurbs posted on the site to edit a romance novel blurb. The basic formula is opening premise (what's the main story concept that got you interested in your novel?), then a couple of sentences about your genre characteristics, then the twist that turns the genre and all previous assumptions upside down. So, to do that, you have to know your specific romantic genre. There's a nifty Wikipedia page on it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_novel#Historical_romance. Based on what you've said, I think it probably falls in the inspirational category, since you mentioned faith, but since I don't know what the nature of this faith is, I don't really know. But if I'm assuming right, you would need to start with your premise, something you seem to be doing decently at, and then tie in your genre characteristics- what are these beliefs that he instills in her? Finally, you should backload a twist- which I think is personified nicely in the fact that her mother throws her in prison. I have personal issues with the story premise- the queen sounds like an abuser, and I have to ask if it's really appropriate for Jasmine to forgive her mother. Love her maybe, but forgiveness seems a little out of reach, since it comes with the price of life imprisonment. :) Anyway, I'd suggest looking through the blurbs on the website I gave you and seeing what works for your story and what doesn't. As for titles, I found this really nifty website earlier: http://www.fictionalley.org/primer/title.html. You plug in several words that you think really describe your title, and it combines them in different ways. I had surprisingly good results with this earlier. :) Out of the titles you've provided, "The Test of True Love" is the one that seems best to me. It's still not exactly the kind of title that I would pick up in a bookstore. I have to admit that sappy love stories kind of make me cringe just a little bit. :D But then again, maybe I'm not really your target audience, because while some of the story elements make me think it could be interesting, and I might pick it up for reading in the bookstore if I was bored and just wanted to give something a try, pure romance just isn't my thing. :) So I'll probably just give you blurb structuring advice and leave the romancing to you, haha. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:43:01 -0700

Yes, it's good advice, and I need to start with the hook and end with a twist. Haha sorry, I'd thought I'd answered you before, but I guess I was thinking about the title as so many people have asked this question. Deathwatch happens to be an actual word, and has three meanings which apply to this case. 1) A vigil kept beside a dead or dying individual, 2) A guard set over a person due for execution, and 3) it is also the name of a beetle whose ticking presages death, although I'm not using this directly. I'm also using a few metaphorical definitions that I've made up that go particularly well with the story. I also have a fourth definition that my characters will use, that people are literally watching death or seeing that death will happen, and when this occurs there's a moral imperative to do something about it, despite any other obligations that you might have. So it's called Deathwatch because of all the different ways in which the characters use these definitions. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:44:06 -0700

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

luckyomally — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:28:37 -0700

Thanks for the critique!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:28:29 -0700

I'm sure I will need readers, and you are more than welcome to be one. I'm still in the finishing, and editing phase so chances are you wouldn't get it until the new year anyway. Lol. Hmm. What's 20x scarier than a murderer/ rapist? An immortal demon, attacked by a werewolf who contracts lycanthrope and is a complete sociopath. Who is also, incidentally, both a rapist and a serial killer and he just escaped. :-) Cheers!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:03:23 -0700

Thank you for your critique. I think what confuse people the most is the time/place the story takes place. (Actually, now that I look back at it, I forgot to write down an important element in the plot--thank you again for pointing that out. :D) Thank you very much!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:04:20 -0700

Excellent critique! Sorry, forgot to mention that.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:54:23 -0700

Sorry, please critique this one, this is the revised version, and the one above is the rough draft. 1962 has been turning out to be a tempestuous year, to say the least. From the Cold War to the Vietnam War, and the Civil Rights Movement to the early years of rock, Things As They Are are changing almost daily. Meanwhile on Tybee Island, GA, Ramona Cecilia Dahle is beginning her Junior year. She has taken classical cello for a decade, and has even been offered two scholarships because of her playing. All it takes was two words, and all of that goes away, and it becomes up to her to change Things As They Are in her corner of the universe. However, change does not come easily, even with the help of the musical genius that sits next to Ramona in orchestra and a refreshingly understanding music history teacher. Through all the dynamic changes going on in the world around her, will Ramona be able to do anything at all? Based on the poem "The Man With the Blue Guitar" by Wallace Stevens.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:25:53 -0700

While it's nice to be reminded of the important events in 1962, your readers won't want to hear that before they know more about the character. I like your title, but it does not need to be in your blurb -- at least capitalized. And I wouldn't use it more than once. I'm curious what she said to make her scholarships go away. While I like the mention of the poem, that can probably be reserved for the book. Suggested tweaks: Ramona Dahle is beginning her Junior year in 1962. Her classical cello playing for the past ten years have paid off, with two scholarship offers already. But with two words, the offers vanish. Ramona wants to change the way things are, but isn't sure how. Through the advice of her music history teacher and the help of a musical genius that sits next to her in orchestra, Romana gains the courage to try the toughest thing in her world -- stand out in hopes of making a change.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:54:51 -0700

Here is an opposing opinion to streamergurl. I think you need to keep 1962 and it's events at the beginning of your novel. Why? Because it's something that has a direct impact on your character, and it's of great importance to your novel. It can provide strong reasons as to why your character may act the way she does. Putting your character in the beginning would sound forced and people would think, '1962? Who cares?' You need to show why they should care about this year. I think that your blurb is fine otherwise.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Princeshelby — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:32:36 -0700

Thank you! Just to let you know, it wasn't meant to be the title capitalized, it was meant to be the subject of both the poem and the book described as a thing all of its own, so it is put as you would a proper noun in an attempt to emphasize that (grammatical fail on my part, but it was a good idea at the time). I can see the confusion there, though. I just want to find a way to relate to the poem it's based off of in the synopsis, because it's a major part of the plotline. I love the rewrite/revision of it that you did. Thanks again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:53:41 -0700

I wouldn't say angsty. Maybe cliche, but I'm biased against werewolves for no reasons that are your problem. Instead of the line about turning into a beast on the full moon, I'd recommend just "...disturbing secret: he's a werewolf." You'd then need to replace 'werewolf' with something else in the sentence two further on. Also, instead of "Suddenly, Leon is..." I'd go with "Now, Leon will be..."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:01:23 -0700

It sounds rather cliche, but I'm sure there are probably things in here that would differentiate it from similar works. Because I like the added charm of having a crime involved in it, I would probably take a look at this - go to a library and read through it, and if it clicks with me, I'd purchase it. MrBadgerPants basically stated all of my critiques.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:12:19 -0700

Oh mi gosh that was long. I *sincerely* apologize. :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:24:44 -0700

Thanks :) I don't take it personally, and long but insightful is better than short but not. Sadly none of those titles would work because the 'snow' in question isn't actually cold. It's just a powdered drug that resembles snow (and is distinct from the plague; both of them are killing people but are unrelated). I appreciate the commentary. A number of your issues would probably be alleviated by knowing the plot of the first book. I'm not sure to what extent the synopsis for a book should assume the reader doesn't know what's going on, but at the same time I generally feel like they shouldn't give Too much away for someone who wants to read the series but hasn't started. For example: his sister is in her 20's; he's paying the man she thinks is her father to continue providing for her and pretending to be her father so that she can have the life he feels she deserves. He's poor because he a) gives most of his money to his sister's adoptive father and b) can't sell the book he stole. It would be roughly the equivalent of trying to fence the Mona Lisa, with instructions for building a nuclear weapon in your garage printed on the back. I don't really like the line about his lover either. I really only put it in there to make a three-item list for that sentence. I think I'll rewrite the previous sentence to fold it into that one, leaving, basically, "tradesman, watchman, prince". I fear, though, that if you don't like sap you might not like my writing. It's sort of action-romance/drama. Thanks for typing your critique twice :) I appreciate the effort. In recompense I'll write a new version based on all of you helpful people's input.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:32:26 -0700

Well, I'm about to re-write this, so we'll see how it goes when I throw you the next curveball. :) I am confident that you will find it much more interesting. Haha, and no, Mitchell's not turning his life around anytime soon. Long after I wrote this draft, he turned into a vicious abuser- which is why Kara runs away in the first place and crashes her car into a ravine. Which is why the scientist has to save her. So they'll probably take around a month to find her physical dead body at the bottom of the cliff, at which point things will utterly (excuse the language) go to hell. :) But Sarah, Kara's sister, will most definitely turn her life around in some fashion, whether for better or for worse- I won't tell you. :D And, oh my god, is there a dark side to this wonderland. :) (evil, evil smile). I'll be writing about that in the new blurb too. I'm actually thinking about scrapping Titanheart- or using it in a far-off sequel if I get desperate. The second book is even more interesting than this one, and I'm thinking about calling it Lifepath. The third book will be Timewarp, and I don't even know what happens to my series after that. I figure three books worth of planning is good enough without getting totally distracted. I do have a vague idea of what will happen at the end of the series, and I could probably calculate the books I will have right now if I wanted to, but there's a line between creative dreaming and counting your chickens before they hatch. First I have to get the first book published. (Hah! Like that's ever going to happen. :D) I'm thrilled to see that you like the idea. In a few months if you still find it compelling, I'll have a second draft done and I would be happy to let you beta read it. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:11:46 -0700

I thought about that, but I'm not sure how much I like the whole Blood & Noun naming scheme in the first place. When I hear "Blood and stuff" I immediately think vampires, but my books are entirely lacking those. I suppose if I ever settle on a title for the first book it will inform the second. I'll probably roll with "Blood & Snow" for now.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:31:06 -0700

Our vampires tend to look at killers, thieves and rapists like they are a large steak.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

zoed — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:37:59 -0700

Why can't you just put commons? Robot, Demon, Dracula It seems implausible to have a title that would have to be written on separate lines, how would it even go on the spine of the book?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:55:30 -0700

[quote=Gibush] Warning to all travellers of my blurb: It's not a good book. I'm just putting this in for fun. Just judge the blurb and forget the fact that there's an actual book to go along with it. [/quote] Hahaha. :D There are a multitude of interesting issues going on here. Mine's not a good book yet either. No one expects it to be. The question is, is it worth revising? As for the actual blurb, it should probably reflect more what your story is about, as you said. You could just pull a Stephanie Meyer and take one of your favorite non-spoilerish quotes out of the book and stick it on the back cover, if it's good and self-explanatory enough. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Julie Randolph — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:39:16 -0700

I actually kind of like just 'Snow' now that I know it's a drug. My first thought was cocaine. So I got the drug connection. It's that I can see the cover in my head. Solid white, with possibly a hypodermic needle barely visible in the background and the word SNOW also in white. So you get the drug connection from the cover and the white on white with maybe a little blur of grey. I need to design this cover.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 19:05:45 -0700

Titles don't have to be literal- no one in my novel is actually sitting around, watching death. :) They just have to be interesting and represent the novel in some way. The point of a title is to make people pick up the book, and then say "Oh! Now I get it," when they get halfway through the book and finally understand how the title connects to the narrative. But if you still don't like any of those titles, I would still try out the website. :) Ah, you're a three item writer too, then? I am similarly addicted to three item lists. It works especially well for research papers. ;) And I'm not saying that I don't care about your character's problems, just that I don't think they belong in the blurb. :) Haha and naturally he can't sell the book. That would be just too dang easy, dang it. :) And you're welcome.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:48:57 -0700

There are some seriously implausible titles already on shelves. I can't recall the book, but there's a novel out from, I think, Angry Robot press that has a title filling the entire cover. It's a paragraph about how meaningless modern society is. The spine just has the last word of it (which I guess is sort of the title, then? I don't know) Anyway. You could just put them down the spine with a bullet between them. Like: ROBOT * DEMON * DRACULA Gibush, I think I like your title explanation more than I like your blurb. I would recommend this for your back cover: ROBOT * DEMON * DRACULA This book is not about ONE thing (Robot Demon Dracula); it's three. Dracula is not a robot demon. The book contains a ROBOT, a DEMON, and DRACULA. Actually, there are two robots, but ROBOT * ROBOT * DEMON * DRACULA wouldn't fit on the spine.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:56:45 -0700

Much better! I don't like the last line, but other than that, it looks good!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:58:38 -0700

I feel like a lot of what you gained in having less fluff, you lost in flow. I would probably add more to this- what's unique about your storyworld? I think also that the line about stealing the most valuable book in New London should remain in- just not the middle part. Use the extra space you've gained to tell us about the really meaty parts of your novel. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:49:47 -0700

Note: I wouldn't buy a book with this on the back, but I would show it to my friends, and odds are good some of them would buy it.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:05:28 -0700

Yes, I agree. I feel like there needs to be some sort of twist here. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:37:11 -0700

I posted my critique below this, and I thought it was in reply, but apparently not, so *curse you lack of an edit button!* /rant. Oh, I also friended you, as I'm always looking for new writing buddies, and I am a massive Doctor Who fan. Haha. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:44:05 -0700

Hey Harlow. Welcome to the thread! :) Haha, don't worry, there aren't any real rules here, just guidelines. Well, erotic fiction isn't really my thing... do you have a censored version? Otherwise I may not be able to help you in the way that you want me to. I'd like to at least direct people who are interested in your concept to your Novel info. The blurb you posted here and the one you posted there are quite different, and I would be interested to know which one people who are interested in your novel like better, or if they think the two can be combined in a more effective way. You have a good point in suggesting that I stay away from things I'm not interested in- I give much better reviews when I am really into a novel concept. I have given the novel excerpt you posted a glance, but like I said, it's not really my thing. So other than asking that one question I will respect your wishes and stay out of your genre, unless you want me to do otherwise. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:46:13 -0700

Oh. :) I forgot to mention that I'm really glad you're on the thread. I've enjoyed reading your critiques in other threads and enjoy the fresh perspective that you bring. And I also really love your bio: "I write things that piss people off. Have a good day." :D

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Josie Cloos — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:34:54 -0700

This doesn't sound like my kind of book. For me to read a romance novel, I'd have to be really intrigued by the premise, and then whatever random page I flipped to, would really have to grab me. But for genres I like I'm not quite as difficult to capture. The blurb can just be interesting and if a quick read of the first page doesn't make my eyes roll back into my head, I'll give it a chance. If I did like romance novels, I wouldn't need to know more than what's in the first paragraph. It sets the story up nicely and I'd be like ohh, the queen is not going to be happy. I'd want to find out what that means when I read the book, if of course I got past the first page. But that could just be me. I'm not feeling any of the titles.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:29:22 -0700

Yeah, I have written a censored version.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:55:21 -0700

and by 'novel' in that first sentence, what I actually mean is 'blurb'.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:47:06 -0700

A lot of people seem to really love that sentence. :) I likes it too. :D Yes, I think I'm going to start out with the crash and focus on the new world that she is transported into. Now to figure out how to do this in a non-cheesy way... :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:25:52 -0700

Yeah, I was trying to make a repetition. Spur of the momemt. Didn't work though. I'll also change the "barely-teens," though it's a bit strange calling thirteen-year-olds (or fourteen-year-olds) "teenagers" sometimes when most adults still identify us as children. I was trying to be clever, haha. Thank you also for pointing out the problems. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:43:11 -0700

I like that a lot. It kind of saddens me now to have this perfect cover in my head and know that if I ever manage to get it published I will have essentially no say in what it actually looks like.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:01:57 -0700

Hm, well reading over your excerpt, it seems to me that there are a lot of romantic elements in your story. This would be a lot more gripping for me if you framed it around your actual hero and heroine. I suggest that you open with the premise of your novel, from the POV of your hero and heroine. I define the premise as the idea that got you really excited about writing this in the first place. Then put a couple of sentences in the middle about the world in which your characters live. How is it different from any other fantasy world? You have fantasy creatures and they're fighting each other, but that's the plot for pretty much every fantasy novel ever written. Show us how your world is different. Then, grab us at the end with a twist- something that makes us question everything we've learned thus far. So- premise, setup, twist. :) For examples on how to do this, see: http://marilynnbyerly.com/blurb.html

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

TwilightSparkle — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:52:46 -0700

It sounds interesting, and I'd probably read it. But it looks a little too Chick Lit for my tastes. Either way, sounds really good!!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:17:40 -0700

I liked how you said before that she discovered the strength of her love for her intended *and* her mother. Just having her mother here doesn't quite do it for me. Also, I'm a little confused as to what exactly you mean by faith. Other than that, I think it'll work for your audience. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:11:48 -0700

I have a bit of trouble with the idea of the believability of this. The notion that the FBI would have a division called "The Island of Misfit Toys" tells me that I'm probably not a part of your target audience, as this seems extremely improbable to me. :) Also, there are a lot of stereotypes in here. I'm the sort of person who would assume that this is because the characters don't have a great deal of depth. I would delete the quotes as well as the last sentence, for a start, but I'm not really your audience, so I'd listen to what other people who are in your audience say before deleting anything. And if you think your other blurb is better, you can post it instead. There aren't any silly rules in this thread about not doing that, and I think that's what a lot of people have been doing. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:12:19 -0700

Far too much 'splainin' in here. This reads more like the IMDB synopsis of a movie than a jacket blurb; I kept expecting to see famous people's names in parenthesis after the character names. The back cover copy is meant to lure you in and make you want to know more. Think more movie trailer guy voiceover and less Roger Ebert plot rundown. Some more specific observations: * I don't care about anyone's names because I don't know any of these characters. Since Quinn and Cyrus are your main protagonists, I'd maybe put their names in, but only their first names and I think you could get away with not even that. * You told me the names, sexes, character archetypes, and broad appearances of your entire protagonist cast, but I didn't realize Cyrus was a girl until the last sentence. * Speaking of the last sentence, it needs to go. I like spy thrillers, but the pregnancy angle doesn't say "spy thriller" to me. If the novel is actually about motherhood and the mom happens to be a spy then I'd recommend rewriting the whole thing to focus on that. * I don't know how you refer to them in the rest of the novel, but calling a group "The Island of Misfit Toys" is really awkward. The FBI wouldn't call them that officially because three-letter agencies are federally obligated not to have a sense of humor, but I can believe the kids might call themselves that. So I'd recommend something like, "...join the self-proclaimed 'Misfit Toys'...". The claymation Rudolph movie is firmly ingrained enough in pop culture that the reference will be obvious even truncated. * The first quote is okay. The second quote I don't like at all. I could see maybe using them both and formatting it cleverly to show that they're different speakers on the actual book (like right-aligning the first quote and then left-aligning the second or something), but putting the "Houston observes" is just right out. Also, if it were going to be anything, it should be 'says'. I can't think of any sentence of dialog I'd feel justified putting 'observes' as the action verb callout for. * I'd recommend just cutting everything after the first paragraph. The quote(s) can maybe work, but the first paragraph, re-worked, would tell us everything we need to know about the book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:06:49 -0700

- Agree with what 939usak and MrBadgerPants said. Also, beware that Jethro, Ernie, and Raven sound like Mary-Sues. Especially Jethro and Raven, who I suspect will become Quinn and Houston's love interests just by the adjectives "beautiful" and "attractive." - Sentence: "That sounds a little kinky.' Houston observes." I recommend, like 939usak, to cut off this sentence along with the last sentence and the last quotes. But just for future reference, the period after "kinky" should be replaced by a comma, so it forms one statement instead of an independent action and a piece of dialogue. - For the blurb on your novel info: the "before her very own eyes" can be deleted, since she remembers nothing about their murder anyway. "Cyrus's family's case" can become "the Cyrus family case." Good things: I wouldn't open this book, but maybe other teenagers will. Crime isn't my thing. :P Good luck with your novel!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Anahlynn — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:05:00 -0700

[quote=TwilightSparkle] Title: The Toys Genre: Mainstream Fiction/Mystery/Thriller Blurb: "You have two options. Return to prison, or join the Toys." "The Toys? That sounds a little kinky." Houston observes. If you were just accused of hacking by the FBI, I'm pretty sure, "That sounds a little kinky," wouldn't be one of the things you say. Maybe, "Don't hurt me," or, "It was all her fault!" ~~Quinn Cyrus and Houston Montgomery weren't normal.~~ This tells me nothing. On the run since childhood, the two are the closest of friends and have turned their back on the world. We're starting to get somewhere... But when Cyrus decides to reopen the case file from the mass slaughter of her family, the two are caught for hacking by the FBI, and given the choice to join the 'Island of Misfit Toys', a group of teenage outcasts who do the undercover work nobody else wants, or return to prison. ...And you lost me. I'd find it pretty hard to believe the FBI has a secret organization run by teenagers doing undercover work. If it was run by adults maybe I would be able to suspend my belief, but teenagers? Never. This also feeds into those crazy conspiracy theories about the government, so you should be careful how you approach this. Along with Jethro Goodwin, an ~~attractive~~ runaway from New Jersey who wants to be loved, Ernie Foghorn, a Hawaiian surfer who just wants to be appreciated, and Raven Watson, the adopted ~~beautiful blonde~~ daughter of a mixed race gay couple who just wants her mom This makes Raven sound like she doesn't want to Dad's which could potentially be offensive to the LGBQA+ community. You have to be careful how you word things., Cyrus and Houston must stop a complicated assassination plot that may have a bit more to do with her family's murder than she expected. Very vague. I'm not sure what the main conflict is. A "complicated assassination plot" tells me nothing. Expand on that. And then Cyrus gets a new fly in her ointment: Motherhood. What? Not only is that a strange and rather unattractive saying, the motherhood has nothing to do with what you described so far. Teasers can be good, but only when they entice the reader to read on. Concerns: I'm pretty bad at writing blurbs. There's a much better one on my novel info, if anyone's interested. [/quote] So far you haven't actually told me anything. All you've given me is a bunch of characters I don't care about and vague secret agent plot. I suspect that Cyrus is the main character so focus on her, then Houston. The other don't matter as much seeing as how they are just names. I would rewrite this and focus on Cyrus and Houston. Try to expand on the plot and explain more about "The Island of Misfit Toys."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:54:29 -0700

Someone awesome told me to join this thread, so here I am. =) TITLE: I think that the title could be more catching. "The Toys" don't in any way ring with the theme of the story. Yes it's what the group call themselves. But if I saw a book named "The Toys" on the shelf (and I wasn't walking around in the children's section looking at pritty pictures) I would probably think it was a bit weird, but not so weird that I'd be interested to see what it was about. Could the word infiltrating help here? "Infiltrating the Toys" Haha no, now I think of Buzz Lighter (or whatever his name was).. Something with "infiltration" or "mole" perhaps.. BLURB: * The first quote is ok, although it could be stronger. The second quote really didn't do it for me.. I'd probably put the book back there and then. * The body of the blurb beginns with a phrase that doesn't say that much. It's better for the reader to come to that conclusion them self by directly reading that Quin and Huston have been on the run since childhood. *I'm confused by the use of both first and second name.. and then by the use of Quins second name only.. I'd recomend you to use only one name, wheather it's the first name or surname depends on what your character is usually refered to. If say Huston had a nick name, then you'd say Quin and Hust. *"The mass slaughter " sounds weird.. Why not say brutal murder? Is that to cliché? * "But when Cyrus decides to reopen the case file from the mass slaughter of her family, the two are caught for hacking by the FBI, and given the choice to join the 'Island of Misfit Toys', a group of teenage outcasts who do the undercover work nobody else wants, or return to prison." Is a really long sentence and could use some chopping and rewriting. *As for all the name dropping and character description.. I'd much more prefere that you mention the others as a group. "Together with a three other" ...Also, I don't even know if these teens are under cover or part of the Toys. *"May have a bit more to do with her family's murder than she expected" -- This is too week.. "May have a bit more" Basically means may or may not, but since this is a blurb it would be crazy if it was not... I mean in that case you could write "They may also visit a circus, but that depends on the plot"... "More to do with her family's murder than she expected" implies that she expected it to have something to do with the sad event. READ IT?: I would not read it. Partly because it's not my favourite genre, but also because the blurb isn't catching enough at the moment. It may be a plot that catches younger readers' attention. FBI sounds cool you know ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

vmorr — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:25:17 -0700

The title didn't really grip me but it fits with the rest of the book. I thought the blurb was good overall, but I think the line: ""The Toys? That sounds a little kinky", Houston observes." is unnecessary, and you probably do use too may character names - like someone pointed out, the reader doesn't care about a character that they don't yet know. I also thought that the line "And then Cyrus gets a new fly in her ointment: Motherhood", was not needed - the end of the paragraph above it a much stronger ending. I would read the book, but I wouldn't have picked up up based on the title.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:43:40 -0700

Ugh. I clicked on the wrong reply button. Meant to respond to the post above you. :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:45:18 -0700

And I did it again... Grr. Curse you, lack of a delete button. I'm sure that I clicked on the right one this time! Ugh....

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lala Land — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:59:07 -0700

Thank you very much! I was thinking about that, too, when I was looking at my story and my synopsis and I was like, "Erm, maybe I should mention more about the characters." Yeah... :3 I am going to change it now, make it more character-oriented. XD

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:46:19 -0700

My thinking was that she already loves her intended. And while that doesn't really change...her feelings regarding her mother do.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:40:14 -0700

I'm pretty sure she remembers the murder; if you look at the excerpt on TwilightSparkle's profile, she clearly remembers this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

the8thstone — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:28:14 -0700

"Her family was murdered before her very eyes when she was eight years old, and she remembers nothing of the incident."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 07:12:18 -0700

"From teaboy to coffee boy, Jack is sent to spy on the President, sabotage a rival candidate's campaign, and serve the President his daily coffee black, no sugar, no cream." I had a lot of trouble parsing that sentence. It's very... complex. In general I keep getting a lot of up and down. "He's going to do exciting things! Except they're boring. But then they get exciting again! But they're actually kind of boring. But really, exciting!" It seems a little overwhelming.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Sarona-Nalia — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 07:42:42 -0700

I think that a lot of the information in the first paragraph would require further explanation for me to understand (Stat-9? Donor father?). Since there isn't really room to explain further in the blurb, I say skip it and leave it for the book. I'd start out with something like: "After Jack's parents are killed by government trained mercenaries, he is given a choice: run from the government or join the controversial organization Marxis." I would cut out "posing as secretary to Liam Wentworth, the Marxis presidential candidate." I think that it's a small detail that isn't necessary in the blurb. I think that it's fine to leave in " serve the president his daily coffee," but I think how he takes his coffee (black, no sugar, no cream) is another detail best left for the book. Anyhow, those are my opinions.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Knerd — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:20:52 -0700

I do think that both of these are a bit short. They give a very basic overview of your stories, but don't really let your reader know what the book will be able. Instead, both are just a jumble of odd little details. #1 You say that Eileen has always known that she is crazy, but then you say that she despairs of being sane again. How can she have once been sane if she always knew that she was crazy? You don't need these hyperboles. Just let us know that Eileen isn't mentally healthy right now and a car crash pushed her over the edge. What was the coping mechanism that was taken from her? I'm interested in hearing about that, especially since it seems to be a catalyst for the story. It sounds pretty darn important, but all I can guess is that someone else was killed in the crash. If that's the case, what was their relationship to her? Lastly, how does she meet this young boy? And why is it important that he can turn into a wolf? As it is, you don't give any clues about how this "unlikely" source of help actually influences her life. I'm left pretty confused about the role that he plays in the story and what the actual story is about. #2 That third sentence in particular is confusing. Is your MC a traitor and a runaway? Or is he the "hound" of a traitor and a runaway? Is he the hound of three different people, or all those all descriptions of his master? What exactly is a "hound" in this context? Once we get past that section, it sounds like he is some sort of servant, but then I don't understand why there would be anyone under his protection. Is this a quest? And what does the magical land of Aelfheim have to do with anything? Try to expand upon what you have by breaking down your plot and giving us the most important points. Rather than describing your characters, try to describe the action and events of your novel. That's what is going to pull in an audience.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:27:20 -0700

#1 TITLE: Wolfbound. Works for me. But if there's not a book called Moonstruck I'd work with that since that both refere's to the wearwolf boy and Eileen bing crazy. BLURB: Yes it's a bit short, but nothing says a blurb has to be long. There are a few thinsg that stands out too me. Eileen has always known she was crazy; after all, normal human beings don't think the way she does[something more here... What is it about her thinking that is odd?].When a car accident takes away her main coping mechanism [I have no idea what this mean.. Her car is no longer functional so she can't go speed onthe motorways?], she despairs of ever being normal or sane again [as Knerd pointed out this is a contradiction]. But help [redemtion... is that to strong a word?] comes from the most unlikely of places [A boy isn't a place.. could you reword it slightly] -- a young boy with the power to turn into a wolf. Could it be that she’s not crazy at all? Could werewolves really exist? [I have no clue on what will happen after the wolf-boy shows up] #2 TITLEl: The Hunt... There's a novel by Allison Brennan with the same name: http://www.amazon.com/Hunt-Novel-Allison-Brennan/dp/0345480244 BLURB: How can he be a traitor and a runaway without a past? Is it that he doesn't remember his name and past? "He doesn't remember his name. He has nearly no recognition of his past. All he knows is that....AND that he's supposed to guard her/him/them" But when she/him/one of his prospects [sorry I'm from Sweeden] is taken from him, he’ll have to face the world he left behind: the magical land of Aelfheim. [I need to know before this that he doesn't want to find out about his past or maybe he wants but that would mean he has to face the world Aelfheim]

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Knerd — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:31:04 -0700

You're a fan of commas, aren't you? Haha. Many of your sentences drag on and have way too many sections. Try splitting them up so that you only present your reader with one thought at a time. For example: "After fist fights, hit and runs, hired thugs, and even a fight in a hotel's hallway, the five mutants are tired and depressed, but Mr. J is just getting started." There are five commas in that one sentence! You don't need to tell us all of these things in one breath. I don't think that all of this information is even necessary. Compress it down into the strongest actions and events: "After furious brawls with hired thugs and desperate attempts at escape, the mutants are getting tired. Mr J, however, is just getting started." Next, you're giving us an awful lots of names and numbers. Is really isn't that important for the reader to know each of the four mutants, their ages, the new friend, the 9 year old army kid, and the villain. Pick your main character and focus upon him/her. Don't worry about ages at all. Cramming them all in just makes the information difficult to process. Now, I'm curious about why this Mr J is a villain. Why does he want to take over the world? How is he doing so? What makes that one mutant important, while he wants to kill the rest? Why can't he be killed? I'm left without knowing what kind of villain he is, where his strengths lie. Does he have lots of money? Is he a super genius? Is it just brute force? Tell us why he's so darn scary, as well as why these mutants are special. Your story sounds like it has a ton of action and would be very interesting to read, but you only need to show us the high points. Perhaps lead us into the blurb with a short description of this dystopian society you've created. Set the mood, then introduce the main character/s, and then tell us about the villain. Just try not to get bogged down with so many details and tiny descriptions.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:09:26 -0700

BLUR: *"All across the country" [What country?] *"people of all ages with mutations" [Sounds a bit clonky, and I have no idea what mutations these are.. Being schooled in genetics, I wonder is someone with a mutation in say the gene for the hepatic enzyme phenylalanine hydroxylase (PAH) would be rounded up, or if you need to be a lizzard mutant to be regarded a slave] * The name dropping is okay in this case, but the way the events are described are not catching enough. * "(don't all villains?)" [No! Absolutely not! In fact taking over the world is a cliché villian and that makes me think that the character Mr. J doesn't have much of a deph. * "Has decided that he only can if 9 year old Lea joins him" [This could be written more intriguing. together with the description with Mr. J] *The fight in the hotel's hallway seems unessesary to mention.. After X days of hit and runs, hire thugs and fights, the five mutants are tiered and dejected, but Mr. J is just getting started. I would focus on building more tension and suspense around Mr. J. Here's just a quick suggestion to draw inspiration from: The mutants manage to escape, but what was supposed to be their happily ever after, ends up being a new and more deadlyfight for survival. The five mutants and their new friend Jarred runs into Mr. J, a something something about killing. For some reason [-- wich you don't have to tell is that Mr. J wants to get world control] Mr. J is interested in Lea (no need to mention her age a gain) and wants her to work for him. But... Pick it up?: The plot is not all uninteresting to me, but the style of the blurb is not ctachy enough to convey me that the writing will hold up the plot.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

vmorr — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:29:06 -0700

I thought the title was very bland...maybe even something like "Underground" would be better. I really like the concept and the blurb sounded good to me - the first paragraph grabbed my attention more than the first (mainly because of the concept). I would pick it up based on the blurb, but the title definitely would not grab me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:40:33 -0700

Is this more along the right lines? Eileen had always known she was crazy. The only thing she can do to curb the madness and push aside the distrubing, inhuman images her mental voice presents is to run; the faster and harder she pushes herself, the quieter the inner voice becomes. When a car accident robs her of even this coping mechanism, she despairs of ever being able to fit into normal society. But hope comes in an unlikely form. A thousand miles from home, she meets a young boy who claims to be able to turn into a wolf. Is he as crazy as she is? Or could werewolves really exist? Is it possible that she's not crazy at all? And why is he so interested in her in the first place? --- He doesn’t have a name. He doesn’t have a past. All he knows is what he is – a fae hound, capable of tracking down almost anything; a traitor to his former mistress; and a runaway, cast out from the only home he can remember. The detective known as John spends most of his time hiding, trying not to dwell on the awful day he entered the mortal realms. However, when someone dear to him, someone under his protection, is taken from him, he’ll have to face the world he left behind: the magical land of Aelfheim, and the dreadful White Queen who cast him out. How can he face a past he barely remembers?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MrBadgerPants — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:53:13 -0700

* I wouldn't have guessed that this is a paranormal story except for the the fact that you said so at the top. The actual blurb sounds like straight romance with a mystery/thriller spin. * Your whole first paragraph can go. It's setup for the actual story that we don't really need to know, and is setup about a normal person in a boring place (though if you keep it, it should be 'uneventful', non 'non-eventful'). You could tell us everything we need to know about Laura in one sentence: "Laura was a socially reserved but inquisitive young archaeologist, bored out of her mind on a field assignment in the sleepy town of Darwenwood." Bam, done. On to the interesting part. * There are a number of spelling errors. 'inquisitive', 'disappeared', 'peculiar', 'favor' (unless you're in the UK), etc. * You have kind of a thing for commas, I think. Even your title: "Lovely, Old Things" is grammatically accurate, but Lovely can just as easily modify Old as apply to Things. "Lovely Old Things" looks less awkward as a title (how many titles have commas?) and tells us that the old things are lovely in spite of being old, rather than being both lovely and old. From "Lovely, Old Things" I'd assume something along the lines of antique china plates or 19th century porcelain dolls. They were always lovely but now they're also old. "Lovely Old Things" makes me think of someone lovingly restoring clay pots or cleaning bone fragments. They're lovely, at least in part, Because they are old. There are a couple of other places with comma overflow: "...seemingly troubled, Tom, shows up..." doesn't need commas (if you take out the supposed clause, 'Tom', what happens to the rest of the sentence?). * The last paragraph is confused, which is a shame because it's where you're telling us that this isn't just a romance between a shy archaeologist and a handsome bad-boy. The first sentence is unnecessary; we didn't know that Tom wanted to leave town and obviously he must have stayed in order for Laura to ferret out his secrets. I'm guessing that the second sentence is meant to clue us in on this being paranormal, but I have no idea what it means. She's an archaeologist so this could just as easily be applying to her work instead of ghosts or something. "Before she knows..." would work better as "When Tom disappears, Laura is dragged into..." How important is this handsome stranger? If he's the real crux of the story then you should probably condense all of the Tom stuff into a sentence or two and then give us more about him.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:42:21 -0700

Firstly, I don't think that you should limit this solely as a paranormal genre. This has strong elements of romance and seems to fit it almost as a mainstream fiction. Similarly, you may want to run this through a spell checker. There are a couple of typos that I just picked up. Thirdly, I would suggest dropping the word 'antagonistical'. Do not presume that your readership has such a brilliant vocabulary that words like this wouldn't be an issue. If it's in the prose, then fine, but it's a bit much for a blurb. The blurb is going to be how people will get an idea about your text. It's their first impression.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:12:59 -0700

I'll probably wait until I'm finished beta-reading to give you a suggestion on the genre. :) You're right, it's really hard to describe. :P I don't know that the quote really adds anything to the blurb. Also, I agree with MrBadgerPants about probably condensing the first paragraph. I wouldn't guess by this description that your book is as awesome as it is. :) Also, although the drowning incident is extremely important to your story, it seems like kind of a spoiler to give it away now; after all, the reader doesn't find out that this is Laura until chapter three, and it's a major plot point.. :D Also, does Laura immediately suspect that Lui is homicidal? I'm not at that part yet, but unless she realizes this right away, this may also be a spoiler. Haha I'm reading the book and it's totally epic but as I'm not even entirely sure what it's about yet I can probably give you better advice later. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Knerd — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:22:46 -0700

So much better! Now here are two novels that I'd be excited to read. You're giving complete descriptions of what your audience can expect to read about, so it's a much more appealing introduction to your work. Just two more small criticisms: For the first, I don't think that you need those last two questions. I really like that you're trying to incorporate both of those ideas into the synopsis, but piling on four questions in a row can get a bit repetitive. Instead of framing those sentences as questions, try to put them in the form of a closing statement: "Eileen is forced to question why this boy is so interested in her, or whether she is crazy at all." For the second, is John your MC's name? If so, don't give it away quite yet. You first told us that he doesn't have a name, so don't go back on that so fast. But if John is someone else, be sure to tell your audience what this person's relationship to the MC is. Throwing in the sudden existence of a detective doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your description.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:59:04 -0700

It's not his real name, but it's the name he uses (short for John Doe) because, well, it's hard to not have a name, especially when you have to make a living somehow >.> Maybe something like, "The man known only as John Doe spends most of his time hiding"?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:57:09 -0700

There's about twelve books called "The Hunt"; I figured I'd brand it with the series name once I settle on that, for example, The Hunt: A novel of the ex-patriots. Is that a bad idea? Should I be concerned? I agree that a boy's not a place. Will adjust. Most of the other concerns I covered in my rewrite above, so I feel more confident about that :D I'm a little hesitant to imply that Eileen and the werewolf start dating for fear of being branded another Twilight, but I guess I should probably put that in.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

yamikuronue — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:00:43 -0700

A quick search turns up many books called Moonstruck, most of which are romance novels for some reason O.o I'm going to assume that name somehow conjures trashy images in people's minds or something, which is a shame because I like the idea.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:42:38 -0700

You would be surprised how many novels have commas in their titles.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 13:18:32 -0700

Thank you for the comments! Yes spellcheck would have been great.. Especially since I'm dyslexic.. I'm just to lazy with spellchecking things I write in these forums.. There's no spellcheck function.. I completly agree that it sounds a bit Romance.. Will try to get more about the man from Tom's past to appear and less about Laura's nature. Thanks again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 13:23:16 -0700

Yeah.. I have a really hard time putting a genre on this. It's not romance.. It's a Chracter driven Paranormal Fiction with suspense and puzzles to solve.. Is Paranormal Potpurri a genre? ;) Thanks for the suggestions =)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

The Pelican Maze — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:17:26 -0700

It's good that you cut out some of the details and the jargon from the earlier summary. Now I think the casual reader can get more of a sense of what the story is really about. First: typo for "reasons" on the second line of paragraph one. The details of Jack's infiltration of the President's Cabinet, right down to how the coffee is served, might be best left for the novel. I'm thinking maybe put the first sentence of the second paragraph at the beginning of the third, and cut the rest of the second paragraph. That way you have the premise in the first paragraph, and some of the major developments in the second. The fact that Farrah is mentioned by name and she is "young" and "sweet-talking" makes me assume she is a love interest and Jack feels he must avenge her. Her having "all to lose" also makes her seem vulnerable. I'm not sure if you intended all of that. If you did, then I suppose fair play to you.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:36:57 -0700

Critique! 1. Title: Thoughts and Symbols [Not a fan of the title.. I thought of Dan Brown when I read it..] 2. Blurb: *I feel that the blurb is too unclear for three main reason. 1. What kind of thoughts does Eli have? 2. What's the crisis? and 3. What do you mean with personal fortunes? * I included your blurb here with some changes for suggestions to work around: Eli Behrmann is a [what kind? Mathemathics?] student working [at or for] the university of the [fictitious] European independent state Niederstadt. He believes that mathematics and [his own naive laws of nature -- not clear enough!! Why are they his own laws of nature? Wy are they naive? Are they his naive interpretations of the laws of nature? I'm nonplussed as to what these laws are.] can be applied to a wide range of fields of study - including ethics and human behavior. [Could you work in a short example so that it comes clear why this is a problem.. or a clash to how other people view etics and human behavious.. because I'm not sure this differs much from my own point of view at the moment.] [When] Eli's colleagues [Doesn't Eli have any part of this??] [discovers that Niederstadt stands before a looming [What sort of] crisis, no one believes them], and Eli's own [personal fortunes fall and rise due to circumstances he cannot foresee -- terse and unclear]. [Can Eli square his world of ideals and virtues with the real world? Does he change his way of viewing the world - and should he? -- not a fan of questions like this.] 3. Good things: It seems to be an original plot.. although I don't really know what it is about so I may be saying too much here. 4. Buy or turn page: Neither at the moment. I need to have a few of my questions answered on the blurb to feel that I should or shouldn't care about Eli and the Niederstadt. At the moment I know so little that if I had a whole store with books around me, I wouldn't spend the time deshiffering the plot to this one, but instead pick up the next.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:56:39 -0700

The title just doesn't grab me. And while it is important that Eli is living in a fictitious country, this doesn't need to be mentioned on the blurb - at least in the way you describe it. When you mention the "real world," it makes me wonder if Eli knows he's living in a fake world. What you've told me in the blurb hasn't grabbed me. He works at a university and studies math. He believes that X (laws of nature -- not sure what they are or how they're naive because you've described them as laws) can blend over into Y (other studies that are also kind of boring). The most exciting thing in your story is buried in an unclear sentence. Eli believes that X + Y = Z (looming crisis). Eli sees a crisis coming to his country and no one believes him. THAT draws me in, even though your character studies things I find dull. I don't understand how Eli's fortunes rising and falling have to do with anything you've mentioned. Again, terribly unspecific, and not in a way that makes me curious. The last two sentences really don't grab me at all. His ideals don't fit into the real world. But this doesn't jibe with what you've told me about the looming crisis. Why should he change the way he views the world if he's right? Or have I completely misunderstood the premise of your story? Sorry if that was a bit harsh. It sounds like you have an intriguing idea here. You need to tweak your synopsis with specifics and use a different title to pull more readers in. Hope this helps!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:32:45 -0700

Well hello there my dear beta-reader! Yeah, I realized this morning just how little this blurb does my story justice... It's missing SO much, and giving away the wrong things... Definately something to work on once I have gotten the last chapters as I want them.... I agree; much of the first paragraph needs to go, and also the last paragraph needs to point at more.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

The Pelican Maze — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 07:33:44 -0700

Admittedly I'm struggling with the title. I hadn't thought of Dan Brown before, but the title comparison makes sense which is a bit off-putting. I'd like to convey that some of the central characters (mainly Eli) are concerned with rules and some sort of an ideal universe. I'm thinking maybe "Behind the Symbols" or just "Symbols" or something to that effect. I'll try this blurb again, in an effort to answer your questions, elaborate a little on what happens, and view the story from a different angle: Eli Behrmann is a mathematics PhD student working at the university of the European independent state of Niederstadt, a small town between Germany and the Netherlands protected from the sea by levees. Eli believes that people conform to a physical and social order, like the one he imagines working in when he proves theorems, but he nevertheless struggles to make friends and ingratiate himself with his professors. When an economic catastrophe in Eli's home country causes him to lose everything, he is taken in by the more world-wise student Jim. Jim, always politically active, becomes preoccupied with efforts to publicize a study on the levees that suggests that they are fragile. But Eli remains absorbed in his studies. Alienated from their classmates, the two become dependent on one another - Jim relying on Eli to keep up with his classwork, and Eli relying on Jim for sustenance. The more effort Jim spends on publicizing the danger to the levees, the more resistance he faces from the public, and the more resentful he becomes of Eli's priorities in the face of catastrophe...

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:40:24 -0700

Read it quick and it is allready much better and more captivating! I'll be back with a detailed critique later today. Farwell party calling!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:04:26 -0700

Aight! Here's your new one. I put things that jumped at mein [these]... Eli Behrmann is a [sucessfull/revolutionary/brilliant/pionering??] mathematics PhD student working at the university of the European independent state of Niederstadt, a small [town-- is the state only one town?] between Germany and the Netherlands protected from the sea by levees. Eli believes that people conform to a physical and social order, [like the one he [imagines] working in when he proves theorems -- a bit clonky.. could be sharper],[ but he nevertheless -- sounds like in spite of his ideas instead of Because of.. Could be somethimg about in spite of his mathematical brilliance] struggles to make friends and ingratiate [himself -- I'm not native speaker but I'm pretty sure himself needs to go. Often ingratiate is followed directly by with.] with his professors. [When an economic catastrophe in [Eli's home country -- Niederstadt??] causes him to lose [everything],] he is taken in by the [more] world-wise student Jim. Jim, always politically active, becomes preoccupied with efforts to publicize a [study on the levees that suggests that they are fragile -- study suggesting the leeves are fragile.. or data suggesting..]. [But Eli remains absorbed in his studies. -- doesn't add that much.] Alienated [from -- by?] their classmates, the two become dependent on one another - Jim relying on Eli to keep up with his classwork, and Eli relying on Jim for sustenance. [The more effort Jim spends on publicizing the danger to the levees, the more resistance he faces from the public, and the more resentful he becomes of Eli's priorities in the face of catastrophe... -- can probably be written a littlke less wordy] [When an economic catastrophe in [Eli's home country -- Niederstadt??] causes him to lose [everything],] Could perhaps sound better as: When Eli loses all his assets due to the economical catastrophe in Niederstadt..

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:58:51 -0700

Just saw your revised blurb. Much better. I have more specifics, and I did misunderstand something in your first blurb. Eli's not the one that sees the danger. Okay, the rest of what you had makes sense now. Hmm. I should probably read through the comments before I start adding in my input.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

The Pelican Maze — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:49:01 -0700

No problem. It's my responsibility to make sure that you understand the blurbs. I think I'll stick to a longer, more plot-oriented back cover copy from now on. The ambiguity you mention with respect to the "real world" is intriguing; it's something I hadn't thought of before, but readers might have trouble with. The dichotomy I speak of is between the world Eli experiences and a Platonist world of ideas that Eli is obsessed with. But the "real" (fictitious) world that Eli experiences is not the "real" world that the reader experiences. I don't think it would be an issue in the novel but it would be an issue in the blurb. Fortunately my revised blurb does not use those words in that context.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

streamergurl — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:15:22 -0700

I don't like the title. The first paragraph is nice and sharp, though i do wonder how the girl falls through a hole in her ceiling (is she on the roof? or is she sucked through the ceiling?). I think your blurb would be fine with just the first paragraph. This isn't a book I'd read, but the story does sound interesting.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:03:58 -0700

It sounds interesting, but I feel like it's too long, still. I like the first paragraph -- it sets up the situation well and introduces us to one of the main characters. On the other hand, the second paragraph . . . while I realize you're setting up a romantic subplot, I think the language you're using is a little bit of a turn off. I read a lot of YA and zombies are right up my alley, but that description of Trace would make me leery, maybe enough to put the book back on the shelf. Do we really need to know about a "shadowed and haunted past" on the back cover, or can you save that for the story proper? That he knows an unusual amount about the undead is more of a hook than that, so I would focus on that. Also, the phrasing of that second sentence is rather awkward -- "Tall, dark, and completely kick-butt" refers to Trace, I presume, but it's placed right in front of the zombie hunters as though it should refer to them. And honestly, I'd cut it completely. The third paragraph is good, and while I'm not normally a fan of synopses that end in questions, it may work here. Would I read it? I'd be a little leery of the romance the way it's currently presented, but I'd probably read the first couple of pages.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:11:31 -0700

Sounds like the world is as much a character as any of the actual people in the story. If this is the case, then the synopsis conveys that rather nicely, and you've got a sense post-apocalyptic chaos, and enough of the plotline -- killing a god -- to give me a sense of what's going on. If you intend for the characters to be center stage, it's lacking, but I've got the impression that you're trying for an epic where the state of the world takes center stage, and that definitely comes across. The last sentence is a little bit repetitive -- we already know that Kazernein is going through Tzemadra -- you told us in the previous sentence -- so cutting the repetition and just starting with "He/Kazernein only has one goal in mind" or the like would streamline things a little.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

shockvaluecola — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:34:08 -0700

I don't think the summary is too long, but I wouldn't read it regardless. Every character sounds like a Mary Sue and the title doesn't make me feel any better about it. The fact that it's in verse also would make me raise an eyebrow and I would put this back on the shelf.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Sarona-Nalia — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:17:48 -0700

[quote=OceanWater] All is well the last words but not really the end. This is a tale of a girls, boys, and green eyed owls. This is a tale of the grandchildren. [/quote] Even in verse, your sentences must be grammatically correct. If you type out that first one as a regular, prose-style sentence, it reads, "All is well the last words but not really the end." That needs some punctuation. Personally, I would do it like this: "All is well - the last words, but not really the end." Then reinsert the line breaks. Also, you say "a girls." It's either "a girl" or "girls." I don't really understand how Cho's daughter is the same age as the other characters' grandchildren. I also don't understand why Lace is a nickname for Anna, it sounds to me like you just wanted your character to have a cool nickname. In my opinion, nicknames that aren't based on actual names just sound silly. [quote=oceanwater] And assorted other grandchildren and a few seventh year children of our previous heroes and foes. This is the future, and Slytherin isn't always bad, and Gryffindors aren't always a synonym for good. [/quote] I'd cut this paragraph. All you really do here is tell us that there are more characters than those you've mentioned. I think the reader probably assumes on their own that there are more characters in your story than just the main characters.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:19:07 -0700

Title of the novel: The Ballad of Mercy Kill Back cover blurb: Joy is a witch, [who also happens to be] a werewolf, and a cage fighter who drinks whiskey like it's water and hates your guts. Yes, you, personally. Alex Bonheur is a [slightly - erase.] mysterious bad boy who drives a stolen muscle car and would like to tell you about how awesome he is. He thinks he's hot shit. [Joy] thinks so too. The first time Joy gets in Alex's car, he thinks she's just another one night stand, but he finds himself drawn in by her baffling mix of innocence and cynicism. He's pretty sure this is how he makes girls feel, and that he owes an entire gender an apology. Concerns: It's kinda short, right? [Yes.. sort of short. But with just maybe one sentence more pointing to what Alex and Joy will experience together it would be excelent] Pick it up? Buy?: I'd definately take a peek inside. I mean a witch, wearwolf, cagefighting, inocent, whiskey drinking, cynic chick who hates my guts! And a mystic tool of a boy. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:32:27 -0700

Title: The Bones [-- sounds good to me!] Blurb - David Lendon suddenly finds himself an orphan at the age of fifteen in Ne[w] York City. When he runs away to Chicago to escape his father's legacy, [the fifteen year old-- replace with "he or David"] finds a mysterious gang of newsboys called the Bones. Soon, David finds himself in the midst of what could be the biggest gang fight in [Chicago[´s] - or New York['s] for that matter - history -- clonky sentence... see below], [but - implies something more than the fight... see below] as always, there's a catch: a fire . Concerns: Short. Does it give away too much? [-- Doesn't give away too much as far as I'm concerned, but I haven't read the book =)] [Chicago[´s] - or New York['s] for that matter - history] --> ..in Chicago´s history, and New York's for that matter. [But as always there's a catch] --> Unless this imply to how the fight comes to an end, I feel that there's something missing before the "But". A simple example: The Bones are kicking ass, but as always there's a catch.. More to think about. This is a Historical Fiction so a year would be nice... I don't know if this is 19th century even. Pick up or buy? - Perhaps if the blurb was a bit stronger and someone whose opinion I trusted had recomended it to me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:39:52 -0700

Forgot to add. GENRE: Paranormal Fiction.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 12:01:10 -0700

Going by line for you, because it'll probably be the most helpful. "Laura Ebbens, a young archaeologist, is spending the month of July on an excavation in the rural Darwenwood. She is bored to death and convinced she's suffering of cabin fever." I think beginning it like this rather works, because I get a sense of the character and setting straight off. "But when a mysterious and seemingly troubled stranger shows up in town, on the run from "the past and the future" Laura sparkles to life. For some reason she can't explain, the man, who calls him self Tom, is annoyingly familiar. And not just that; each time she looks at him, she gets a peculiar feeling of both danger and safety." As a hook, straight-out using "mysterious stranger" feels fairly cliched, and I'm not sure I like the phrasing "sparkles to life" because it's fairly vague. I presume it means her interest is caught, but I'd rather that be stated more clearly. "On the run from past and future" is intriguing, as is Tom's "annoying familiarity," and a "familiar stranger" would catch my eye a little more than a "mysterious" one, if only for the inherent contradiction. Also, in niggly grammar details, "himself" is one word. "Always too curious for her own good, Laura sets her mind on uncovering Tom's secrets. But when she realizes why she recognizes him, her entire world, and everything she belived to know about life and death, is turned upside down." I want some indication of why she recognizes him if you're going to make the fallout central to the story. It doesn't have to be much, but if it's a situation the reader will get [like reincarnation or something] just state it outright, because discovering why she recognizes him is clearly not central. "In the midst of trying to cope with her new knowledge, she runs in with a charming but possibly lethal man from Tom's past. And before she knows, Laura finds herself drawn into danger and what may well be the lenghtiest quarrel in history." I like the last line, [although lengthiest is misspelled], and it is what really catches my interest, since immortality/reincarnation/cyclic history -- all possibilities from the summary, although having read a few of your excerpts I suspect its immortality in this case -- interest me. I don't think it's too long or short, I just think there are a few details that need to be sharper to make this really grabbing.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:20:39 -0700

Oh.. totally forgot to comment on the title.. I think it's ok, but doesn't right away connect to your plot. I'm so hoping that Mercy Kill is the place where these two live! Wich could be mentioned in the blurb if that's the case.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

shockvaluecola — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:52:13 -0700

Mercy Kill is her stage name, so I'd probably add that as well. Thanks for the feedback :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lilia Sparks — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:17:44 -0700

Thanks! I was editing the blurb, and I neglected to put in the year. It's 1911... Whoops. Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely change it accordingly.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:01:30 -0700

Okay here we go: Cerrovax, the great black dragon whose demise has been exaggerated by bards through the ages, has kidnapped Lady Cwyn, the duchess of Fennex. In an attempt to correct the mistake of the fist king of the realm, several young knights vow to rescue the Lady and slay the dragon in hopes of winning her hand in the feat. Cwyn's girlfriend, Lore, in defiance of tradition of the masculine solution, departs with her bastard brother Fionn to free Cwyn and keep her from being wed. I don't know what to do with your last sentence. It makes no sense to me. I hope you do not mind that I reorganized your synopsis. If it sucks throw it out, but I think it flows better than your original. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:39:38 -0700

Am I correct in understanding this is comedy as well as fantasy? Because that's what your synopsis is telling me :) I'm not quite sure what 'on the royal standard' means, though. Is it necessary? I don't actually have much to say for this one, but I agree with most of J_S_C's edits. However, s/he makes it less humorous, so if you were going for humor, don't take it completely. Perhaps part of it? :) And your last sentence makes sense, but just barely. I say cut it, or split it into at LEAST two sentences. Try something like... It would have been hard enough normally, when Cerrovax's plan was simply to broil a few princes. But this isn't normally. [insert witty sentence here which I cannot think of.] Does that help any?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

chibisarel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:44:51 -0700

I don't think I have any trouble misunderstanding the 'on the royal standard' thing, but I think it might be easier to understand if you switch it to "the royal coat of arms" to prevent people from thinking it's some other sort of standard. I think the two first paragraphs could be merged into one, especially as the second-paragraph-sentence is completely dependent on the last sentence in the previous paragraph. If you don't want to merge them, you might want to consider changing the first word to something other than "Which". Perhaps to something like "The whole situation"? Like has been mentioned, the tone in the blurb is very lighthearted, and implies to me a story closer to fairytale simplicity -- which is certainly not a bad thing, as I quite enjoy reading fairytales and folktales from various cultures. However, if the story itself isn't lighthearted, you might want to consider editing the blurb to better reflect the tone inside the book. And again as has been mentioned, the last sentence doesn't read too well on its own. It almost demands a brief mention of what the dragon wants instead of the classic 'grilled prince' agenda. Chillibean's rephrasing makes a bit more sense.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:00:21 -0700

Thank you so much for the feedback! I agree: mysterious and seemingly troubled stranger .. is a tad cliché.. "a seemingly troubled stranger" may be enough. sparkles to life.. could be more clearer. I didn't know if I wanted to give away the reason he's familiar.. Some of my readers have read it withouth knowing and thought that's great... but to catch attention it would be nice to have it there. I don't now how much it would draw from the reading experience knowing that detail... hopefully non. It might even add.. Thanks for pointing out himself and leng...however one spells that..=) F

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:35:11 -0700

Okay so, before I dive into this, may I just say that it is beautiful? It's like a short, flowing poem. But alas, I don't think it's quite there yet D: This got me pretty confused. The title 'X and Y' immediately reminded me of chromosomes (is that what you were intending?) but it could also represent algebra. The name 'Mystery Clarke' sounds very... unbelievable to me. The XY woman part confused me as well (but I got it later, of course.) although that may be because I don't read many books on androgeny. The 'her lover is leaving her husband' makes it sound like Mystery's lover is leaving Mystery's husband. Obviously this is not the case, but it had me bemused for quite a while. I had to read your synopsis several times to understand, and I'm still not sure whether the last line makes sense. It probably does, though. For genre, I'd say it's women's fiction? It is hard to place... A main thing is that people may not get the chromosome XY thing (and if it wasn't intended to be chromosomes then... well... yeah.) I also dislike the listing of things that are going to happen. Showing, not telling is best. I hope I was of help, though probably not D:

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:34:44 -0700

I agree with a lot of what Chillibean has said. *You would need to give more explanation of the "XY woman" first, for most audiences (unless you are only marketing to the trans community). *Is "Mystery" a name that she has chosen for herself, or a stand-in for her real name (a la "Malcolm X")? It is hard to picture that as a name a parent would give to their baby. *" reflects on her gender, sexuality, androgen insensitivity, and the nature of forgiveness and memory. Told through parallel present and past reflections, Mystery finds that life is cyclical, and it takes more than conscious choice to prevent the mistakes we make as children while adults." is a review or synopsis of the book, not marketing back cover blurb. If you're "past reflections" are something like a journal entry, you might be able to just lift something from there to use as your teaser which would signal to your reader the format of the book as well. It would probably be shelved and marketed with the LGBT books. I like the title X and Y. or depending upon your story maybe: X and Why? And the premise sounds interesting.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:42:27 -0700

Thank you so much for the comments. I've read them and will act accordingly. And the "cho's daughter" was a mistake actually, it was suppose to read granddaughter. Sorry. ^-^"

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:58:47 -0700

Alrighty, I'm gonna do a line by line. Why was Klyte forced into the secret Lying division. Was he caugt stealing? Why isn't it that simple. And, twisting the truth? Really? What do you mean here? Since Visere is a liar, that means that they are doing illegal things? Is it the vigilantes that make the job hard or is it just hard to play Big Brother? Will do anyting? Really anything? I don't think that telling me about hte hunting trip is that important. "It" is a tricky word to use. To what are you referring to? Combine the Klyte realises (damn British spelling) with the one after it. It might be possible to combine all sentences in that paragraph into one sentence. I pretty much do not like the ending to the your synopsis. If you insis on keeping the last lines, then combine them: Then Klyte realises that his worst fear shouldn't be the vigilantes, or the impending civil war. He should be worried about the person extending their hand in friendhip while holding a knife behind their back. I took liberties with the second line. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Chillibean — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:29:57 -0700

Okay, to answer these :) That isn't exactly what a line by line means... but whatever. 1. Yes, he was caught stealing. From the princess. A very serious crime... 2. Twisting the truth as in: You're not actually outright lying, but you're not telling the truth. Tell me if you want an example... 3. That's exactly what it's supposed to imply xD 4. It's the whole everyone-hates-the-king-and-wants-a-rebellion that makes it hard. They're trying to change the public's impression, and that isn't easy. 5. Anything :) 6. Hmm...perhaps, but it's a turning point in my novel. 7. The, uh, hunting trip? What else can it refer to? 8. (Hey! No dissing British spelling! xD And I'm not even British...) Well, everyone who previously critiqued it liked it, and so do I, so I'll keep it as is. The short sentences are for dramaticism. Thanks a lot for the critique ^^

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:48:34 -0700

I am not going to touch your free verse poem. I am not sure that it belongs in the blurb, but be that as it may. Now onto the blurb proper. I am going to provide a rewrite. "Lace, born Anna, in the final moments of goodbye and rebellion, slips from her Chinese lifestyle, culture and name, to find herself attenging Astrum with her muggle styled viola, instead of Hogwarts where her Granmother attended many years ago. After three years at Astrum, Lace must enroll at Hogwarts to continue her magical education despots waves of trouble and impossibilities, not to mention her near complete inability to use a wand, something the mediwich says she might never be able to achieve. In her studies at Hogwarts, Lace meets Etoile and Domic, two that may be able to help her with her wand troubles, and in doing may have to face troubles of their own. Through moments of self discovery and friendship Lace realizes that Hogwarts has much more to offer than Astrum ever could." Okay, I took a lot of liberties. Especially in the last paragraph and with your last two sentences. Like all of my edits, if you like it, please feel free to use it and make a better blurb. If you think it is horrible, disregard it. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

chibisarel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:53:33 -0700

I am not too certain about the poem either, but for a slightly different reason. It's quite a lot of text (especially as the poem takes up about as many lines as the rest of the blurb), and I'm not sure how to fit it all on the back of a standard-size paperback. Without making the text too tiny to read with ease, that is. I like this version a lot better than your previous one. It gives me information about the setting, without all the namedropping of who's related to whom. The first paragraph is a single sentence. It could easily be separated into several sentences and through that improve readability. You also have a slight imbalance by having two long(er) paragraphs, and then three very short ones. I have a couple of questions about the part [slips from her Chinese lifestyle, culture and name]. One question I have is about her upbringing over-all. If (as your previous blurb implied) Lace/Anna's only connection to her Asian heritage is through her grandmother, and three quarters of that generation were Caucasian (even if nothing is mentioned about Cho's Muggle spouse in canon), I don't see any reason for her to have a Chinese lifestyle. In the books, I never got an impression that Cho had any other cultural upbringing than British -- other than maybe having high expectations from her parents to do well, even if that never really came up. So why has her parents decided to raise her in a Chinese environment? (The Chang family might as well be Korean, as Chang is just as common a surname in Korea as in China.) Is her father, Mr Day, of Asian heritage? The name suggests not. In fact, "Anna Day" doesn't strike me as a particularly Chinese name at all. So how can she slip from her Chinese name if she doesn't have one? What happened to Lace's parents, by the way? You mentioned that her grandmother Cho went to Hogwarts. What about Lace's parents? Were they purely Muggle, or did they also have magical schooling? Did they go to Hogwarts or somewhere else? If they did go to Hogwarts, why is that less important than Lace's grandmother (other than Cho being 'famous' of course)? After all, the blurb readers get no implication about who Lace's grandmother is. If you changed it to something like, "Lace knew that both her parents and her grandmother Cho attended Hogwarts, but she had no desire to continue that tradition," you'd not make her parents more important and inform the blurb reader which connection she has to the original generation, you'd also set up a longer family tradition of going to Hogwarts, and thus give her more to rebel against. Where does Lace come from, by the way? Is it a name she picks herself or is it a childhood nickname? Is she planning on legally changing her name as soon as she can without her parents' permission, or is it just something she and her friends call her? Does it make her cringe whenever the teachers address her as Anna, or does she forget sometimes that they're speaking to her? Or is it something that doesn't matter? This doesn't at all have to come up in the blurb (and about 99% of it shouldn't), but can be good for you to have in the back of your head when writing/revising scenes in the story itself. I hope any of these questions help you at least a little. =)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:39:54 -0700

Haha sorry for the late critique, I've been busy with finals and all, but I did want to critique this since it seems like a fairly decent idea for Harry Potter fanfic. :D Well, if it were a book, I'd suggest putting the free verse on like the first page before the story begins. But since it's fanfic and you can't publish it traditionally, I guess it'd be good to put it as a quote before the fanfic starts. I do like the verse here a little better than the other one you had. Eh. I liked your other first paragraph better. Actually I personally liked the other blurb better. It had more personality. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Sarona-Nalia — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:53:26 -0700

Ah. That makes much more sense to me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:02:40 -0700

Yeah, I want an example and so will your readers. I mean who cares? We have it done to us all the time and we as a society don't really care. We are lied to all of the time by media and political figures and we forget it when a new scandal or lie emerges. Or are you talking a larger "1984," Big Brother type thing. The it, can refer to the hunting trip, but from everything you have before it, the "it" could refer to the state of affairs that are left behind because of the hunting trip. Those are two different its.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

OceanWater — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 19:41:16 -0700

Thank you so much for the long critique! I gave a lot of insight to what I have to change and rewrite. As for the Anna Day thing, this is actually my chinese name. I know it sounds kind of weird, but 戴安娜 is translated roughly into Anna Day in english if you follow the pinyin system of turning chinese words into english ones. Well...technically it translates in An Na Dai but I just thought that looked weird...and I had just didn't want to use the original spelling of my name. @JSC: Wow! First time someone actually took the time to rewrite it! It sounds a lot better than mine... I think now, I'll be taking out the poem at the beginning. I agree, that it does look kind of strange, and clunky. I thought that it would give people the general idea that part of this is written in freeverse but then again they'll be pretty stupid if they don't realize that it was in partly freeverse without the freeverse in the blurb. Lace is actually all chinese in heritage; I'm implying that Cho is chinese and married a chinese british man and therefore produced a chinese british daughter who married another chinese british man. She's a third generation British-Chinese, but was raised with traditionally chinese methods like tiger mom-esque but not really... I'm quite terrible at math but assuming that if a person is chinese british, they have one half chinese blood, and with each generation, that the chinese blood decreases by 1/2 then Lace is 1/2 chinese. I'm really sorry, if this offends you but I'm chinese myself and I don't want to screw up someone else's culture. And it just feels naturally to say Cho's chinese, since I feel like I could write better if I was somewhat familiar with the enviroment by personal experiance. Again, this isn't to offend other cultures or some racist remark, but I'm just writing what I think I can write. The last thing I want to do is to say Cho's Korean and then proceed to complete mess up Korean culture. Also this way, I think I can make this more emotional and personal. And, I had to choose a heritage for Lace, and based on british statistics, this is the most logical choice since there is a higher amount of chinese people in britain than any other asian ethnic groups. *stares up at the long paragraph* So in a nutshell, these are the things I'm trying to imply or say: Cho's chinese. Cho married a chinese british muggle. Cho's daughter married a chinese british muggle. Cho's daughter was raised with chinese methods and was very immersed in the chinese culture and enviroment. Lace, therefore, was treated like her mother and grew up to sort of resent not being able to choose who she was, Chinese or British. Cho's daughter is a squib with Cho's magical talents only reveling themselves in Lace's generation, and yeah, I do need to change the blurb so it tells that Cho is the grandmother. Lace's nickname was such because her father was in the navy, and British Naval officers had this thing called Lace that signified their rank. That plot point used to be the main focus but then I rewrote my main plot plan and didn't really bother with changing her name... Lace is a bit vicious when it comes to her name so she wears a special charmed necklace that automatically changes all "Anna"s directed at her into "Lace". So she doesn't know if someone calls her Anna, and most people don't. I apologize if this sounds snobby or conceited or that I don't appreciate your comment. Trust me, I do, and I thank you every single time I revise my blurb. It's just that I feel like I need to clarify or I'll leave you hanging with questions. Once again, thank you so much for leaving such informative and long comments.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:48:08 -0700

Hm. I kind of want to know what's unique about your story. There's an evil genius, but that's kind of typical to a lot of stories. And then there's two people falling in love. What's different about your story world? What is it that got you excited about writing the novel? Can you add some kind of twist to the end of the blurb that compels us to pick up your book and read it? :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Harlow — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:03:27 -0700

Your book isn't drawing me at all, based only on this description. It feels incredibly generic and overdone. What makes your book different from everyone else? What makes yours interesting and something to consider, rather than being something that I shouldn't put on the shelf? There are lots of novels like this, but they have some sort of draw. You need to think of something important to draw from. Furthermore, you have a lot of capitalization errors, which doesn't do your blurb much of a service.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:54:45 -0700

Guitar mages. :D Haha, I have to admit I haven't heard that one before. :) Ummm... okay. I might not exactly be your audience here, but a few pointers. 1) Why should I care if someone steals the magical guitar? What's at stake here? 2) I think there sort of needs to be a description of your story, with the premise that originally got you interested in the story, and then some kind of twist at the end. I think it's kind of like, "Okay, I'm getting a feel for the story, I think I know what will happen," and then some sort of twist that's like, "Agh I totally wasn't expecting that! Now I've got to read it." :) Well, I've got to get back to studying for finals, and that wasn't exactly original, but hope it helps a bit. :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

fni — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 05:58:47 -0700

Title: Six-String Sorcerers (or maybe Six-String Sorcery) [or maybe Six-String Magic] Blurb: Five years ago, Rebecca Long was the lead guitarist for [an] up-and-coming heavy metal band. Today, she is burnt-out, washed up, and [on the verge of having to get a "real" job -- so she's not actually soon starting a job.. but there's pressure that she gets one? Did she end up in rehab or something?]. All this changes [when] her old guitar teacher, blues-rock legend Billy Walker, shows up after missing for ten years. Billy gives Rebecca his trusty old guitar, [and] it unlocks incredible powers within Rebecca - the power to manipulate the forces of nature through her guitar playing. But she is not the only one with these powers. Now Rebecca is the target of a secret society of "guitar mages," who battle for supremacy and dominion over rock and roll. [Billy's enemies -- this tells me that Billy also was a gutitar mage... but I don't know if he's there by Rebecca's side..] will stop at nothing to seize [his-- that is now Rebecca's....] guitar and use its powers for evil. Rebecca must flee in search of the key to this mysterious power, [hidden somewhere in [the history of] rock and roll -- is she searching a musical key? Is she time traveling? Not clear enough..]. As the [savior of shred -- no idea what this means], can she unite the factions of rock music and defeat the guitar mages? The destiny of rock and roll is in her hands - or, more accurately, her fingers. Some things to work on: *I've marked some places in the blurb, where I'm confused as to what's really going on, or think that you could change some word. *I think that it needs to be clearer HOW this is fantasy, more than that there's guitar mages.....Somewhere in the history of rock and roll... Does this mean she's time traveling or listening to old tracks? * I would also know a bit more about what's at stake... Some evil enemy wants to use the guitarr for evil.. What evil? And why doesn't he have his own guitar like all the other guitar mages??? Also why is the destiny of rock and roll in her hands/fingers? Is the evil enemy someone who hates rock and roll and will make it die out for ever if he get's the guitarr? Is that's what evil he wants to do with the power? --- see many questions.. and unfortunately not Oh-I-wonder-about-this-and-need-to-read-the-book-to-find-out-the-answer-questions. *I'd also wish your blurb reflected the mentioned themes... Have she been in Rehab? Is her old teacher the always slightly drunk ledgend.. Does the guitar drag her into the "a world of sex, drugs, rock & roll and magic"? Can you mention Rebeccas black humor about what's happening to her? Alright, I'm out.. Gonna listen to some rock and roll before evil enemy takes it away from me. F

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

jEisenstadt — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 07:59:02 -0700

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have completely re-written the blurb and I hope this will make the plot more clear and more exciting. Title: The Six-String Sorcerers Blurb: Air. Fire. Earth. Water. Music. The fifth controls the other four. Rebecca Long, washed-up former lead guitarist for a middle-of-the-road heavy metal band, discovers this when her old guitar teacher, blues-rock legend Billy Walker, shows up after missing for ten years with a gift and a warning. The gift is his old guitar, a guitar that awakens magical powers within Rebecca - the powers to manipulate the forces of nature through her guitar playing. But this is not just any magical guitar - it is the legendary "Stormbringer," the most powerful guitar in the world. The warning is that Billy has many enemies, other "guitar mages," who will stop at nothing to seize Stormbringer for their shadowy master. This guitar has the power to reunite the order of guardians known as The Six-String Sorcerers, all scattered and divided, and bring about a golden age of rock and roll...or "crack the sky and rend the heavens from the earth." Billy, 70 years old and tired of running, tasks Rebecca with completing the mission that he could not. Rebecca's quest to discover the origins of this incredible power will take her to some of the most iconic sites of rock history, from Woodstock to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the mythical "crossroads." In this alternate spin on rock history, sex, drugs, and rock and roll meet epic fantasy. The destiny of rock and roll is in her hands - or, more accurately, her fingers.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Rosage_ink — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:52:07 -0700

I like the title, but can't think of any specific comments about it. The first paragraph of the synopsis had a lot of world building packed in before any story or character was introduced, so it was hard to focus on. I started to skim it, but the next paragraph caught my interest. It's not so much about length as it is that the second paragraph starts out with a character. Characters are what grab reader attention, and you have one who clearly has a lot at stake, which is what holds readers' attention. I actually suggest just cutting the first paragraph entirely. A synopsis is for grabbing reader attention with a character and a conflict; we'll learn the details of your world's history once we decide to start reading. If you have a part of the world building you want to sneak into the second paragraph that ups the ante for Gideon, that would be a better way to include the history aspect. Really though, as it is I think that section is a good synopsis on its own, and if I saw it in a store I would give the book a try and buy it if I liked the style.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Knerd — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:11:01 -0700

The length of your blurb doesn't bother me, but it reads rather densely. You're giving the reader a solid chunk of information all at once. While I like having the background in there, I agree with Rosage about intermixing your characters with the first paragraph. Give us a protagonist to latch on to. That's who we'll be reading about, so your main character/s should be given center stage. For the blurb, only tell us about the setting to the extent that it directly affects the characters. I'd personally rewrite it into something along these lines: "Draedith's citizens are merely chess pieces of the gods. Every fifty years, in order to determine which deity will lead the pantheon, five mortals are selected and branded with a cursed mark. They are left to fight among themselves, fulfilling their own selfish goals and ambitions, determining the next leader of the pantheon in the process. Gideon was once a young teenage girl hiding a dark past. When the gods' games begin anew, she becomes one of the chosen. She's soon caught up in a secret battle where no one can be trusted, and murder is merely child's play. With death looming in the horizon and betrayal just around the corner, can Gideon survive the game of the gods?" I think that you've got a great premise here. It would catch my attention in a book store and I'd definitely flip through its pages. The title seems to reflect your writing pretty well. Don't change it - It's dramatic enough to reassure me that your fantasy willl surely be epic.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

KateShelton — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:10:40 -0700

Ok, I'll admit I'm not really your audience, nor am I very good at writing or critiquing these back cover blurbs, but I was pleasantly surprised to find myself drawn to a story in which I wouldn't normally be interested. I found it to be humorous and epic at the same time. I definitely think it will appeal to your target audience. And the title is appropriate. My only complaint is the first line. "Air. Fire. Earth. Water. Music. The fifth controls the other four." It is just a little too cheesy, cliche. I appreciate the purpose it serves and I don't necessarily think you should delete it, but maybe find a way to convey the same feeling without invoking Captain Planet. ;) Best of luck to you!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

RainbowFishie — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:05:32 -0700

I like the title. It's rather interesting, reminds me of the phrase 'shades of grey.' I've always liked that phrase. As for the synopsis, I feel that the first few sentences are slightly boring, but maybe that's just me. I'm a bit confused as to who/what the Royal Monks are. I'm also not exactly sure what euthanized means *hangs my head in shame*. The rest of the synopsis is not bad, though I liked the second paragraph more than the first. To be honest, I'm not very fond of the dystopian genre. There are several excellent dystopian books out there, but the rest practically just blur into each other. I might give this book a try if I come across it in a bookstore, though.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Hatsya — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:41:17 -0700

I think you definitely have some hooks going for you here. Like the other reviewer, I like your title. However, I think you could add a little more emotion and intensity into your synopsis. The first sentence is good lead-in. I think the second sentence is a little vague and not quite as powerful. What are their assigned roles within the community? Are they just not showing up for their roles? Are rebels verbally protesting their roles? Are they encouraging others to join their protest? What has been the government's response to their rebellion? I'm assuming some are jailed, but I think some images of massive arrests and constant police presence in the street would get the feeling across clearer. I like how you use the word 'even' in the third sentence. It emphasizes that it is from Ellia's point of view, and that she is very much on the side of the King in the beginning. I think again, though, the verb 'lash out' is pretty vague. I want to know what the rebels are doing. Are they just whispering things in undercurrents of unrest? Are they attacking guards? Are they making threats against the King? Do they have a leader they want to replace the King? My next little critique is you say that she was smuggled out of the castle to avoid euthanasia. Who is smuggling her out? Since she appears to be on her own after that, why did they leave her? Also, euthanasia seems almost a little weak to me. I feel like if people were commonly killed for being injured/sick, they would have a more dramatic and prestigious sounding name, perhaps with some religious undertones? Also, this is the first time you mention the Royal Monks. I feel like you could mention them earlier in your synopsis when you are first painting your dystopian setting. How much does religion play into the oppressive regime? Does the King speak for the god[s] who he says tell him to rule? Also, I feel like there needs to be a little more about what happens between her and the rebel band. Are they really going to be that happy when they find an injured guard encroaching on their camp? What tension arises there? How is it resolved? I feel like your last paragraph should focus a little more on the emotions of Ellia rather than just questioning the outcome of the war. I am guessing Ellia has been raised to think the King is good and all powerful, but her days in the rebel camp begins to change her mind. Are the rebels good or are they simply twisting her thoughts (as I would assume the King to accuse the rebels of doing to honest people)? You could focus a little more on the internal turmoil of Ellia as she must determine whether she should forget everything she knew and believed in for this new spark of rebellion, hope, and change. I think I would definitely still browse through your book, but I feel like there should be some stronger language of dealing with leaving one's belief system. Overall, good job though.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 20:05:11 -0700

[quote=J_S_C] Title: X and Y Genre: Mainstream Fiction Sub Genre: Gender and Sexuality [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? hmm. Been debating about that Title. It is simple I have to say. Only thing that could be more simple would be to name it 'Chromosomes'. Thing is would most people look at 'X and Y' and think of those are Chromosomes? or would they think what do those letters from the alphabet mean? Might 'Girl or Boy' have more meaning to those looking at the book on a shelf before picking it up to read the cover? Just some random thoughts, disregard if you wish For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? First off I am not much for mainstream fiction. I am more into fantasy, sci fi or mystery. That said I keep reading over the back cover synopsis. [quote=J_S_C] Synopsis: After learning from the doctor the reason she has not had her period is because she has Androgen Insitivity Syndrome, Mystery questions all the want's that she has ever had in her life. She want's to be "daddy's little girl," but he wants her to replace her dead brother. She wants to have a normal family, but her mother divorces in order to save ~~Mystery the trauma of~~ her from her father. Mystery wants to have a normal romantic relationship, but she is attracted to Heather, a woman that breaks her heart and trust over and over again. Mystery wants to know if she should be attracted to men because she looks like a woman,? or women because she is genetically a man.? "Events in a person's life can change in the space of a second," Mystery states as she tries to reconclie herself between her wants and needs. She tries have a ~~the~~ 'normal' relationship, to have it end in violence. She tries to be 'daddy's girl', only to have him sue her for theft. She tries to force herself to chose the gender she is sexually attracted too ~~a sex of attraction~~ and learns that the heart knows what it wants even if the head ~~reels against it~~ does not. Most importantly, she learns that forgiveness does not mean one forgets, and that memory and spite are hinderances to us all. Concerns: I am having a real bleeping problem with this in that when I try to outline events, it is even more bleeping boring than ever, and when it is nebulous like it is here, it does not give any real bleeping story points. --JSC [/quote] Okay those would be the changes I would make to make it read better. Also "hinderances" is spelled wrong should be "hindrances" As for your concerns sorry I can be not much help there. Hope I gave you a bit of help all the same. Good Luck. 4. If you're going to ask for a critique, post at least one critique. Even if it's just "I would read this, it sounds interesting" or "Sorry, this genre isn't really my thing," that's helpful.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:29:47 -0700

Well, okay, first of all, you've got to spell it Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. And darn, I totally thought that meant she was insensitive to androids. The real meaning is far less fun. :D And ugh, that would suck. Anyway, back to the actual blurb: I'm not sure the quote really adds much. Usually people put it at the top of a blurb, and even though I don't really like that either, I'm kind of a stickler for convention. Personally I'd just take it out, honestly. I do like how you twisted the first paragraph into the second one. I don't really like the last sentence. I don't want to hear about how a character "learned" this or that. (I'm kind of a cynic; I mostly want to know that your character is in really, really big trouble and that there's only the faintest bit of hope that he/she is going to get out of it. Pun *not* intended on the he/she by the way). Anyway, sorry for all the bleeping problems, I kind of feel like that with my whole blurb thing too. ;) As for the last concern, could you reply to this post with some of the missing story points? I could probably help you better if I knew what bleeping story points were missing. :D

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:06:36 -0700

[quote=Wilson3sd] Title: Kings and Queens of Promise Genre: Adventure/Superhero [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? The title is all wrong for the genre I think. Maybe "Heroes of Promise" kings and queens scream fantasy or historical fictions to me. [quote=wilson3sd] A strange missionary man recruits five teenagers with extradorinary ~~talents~~ abilities. Bobby ~~is gifted with~~ can move at the speed of light. Drew~~'s gift is strength~~can lift a sixteen wheeler truck with no problems. Emma can heal ~~others~~ any injury. Natalie can move things around with just her mind. Her brother, Nate, can control anyone's ~~the~~ mind and even limit other people's special powers. Though all five of them have thier limits, their combined strength is just what this strange man requires for his mission. ~~The group must band together to open a buried door that houses an ancient creature who has yet to be killed.~~ All that they know and love is at risk should they fail. Can five untrained teenagers manage this task? Is the man who recruited them really what he seems? Will these powers bring the group more harm than good? Will this be the breaking of the world? Concerns: Someone else wrote this for me. I haven't been able to concisely pare down my story into a summary, thus when this one was presented to me I ran with it. I modified bits and pieces, but I don't really know where I'm going with it. [/quote] Misspelled word -> extradorinary should be extraordinary. Abilities has a stronger feel to me then talents does. You need to show rather then tell the reader about the book. Take a look at my suggested changes for what I mean. Strike the line telling what the mission is let the reader have to read the book to find out about it. leaves the reader more likely to look inside the book just to find out about what the mission is that will put all the kids love at risk. Also that one line about the risk by itself, maybe even centered on the back between the above summery paragraph and the below question on can add weight to it. Hope this helps some. Good luck with this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:17:56 -0700

I'm not really fond of Kings and Queens of Promise either. "Heroes of Promise" is okay, but not my favorite. There's a website that I've been recommending to other people who've asked for title suggestions here: http://www.fictionalley.org/primer/title.html You just plug in words that are important to your novel, and it combines the words to come up with a title. Anyway, I've been getting really good results. As for the blurb: The powers sound a little cliche. Then again, tons of authors have used the same powers over and over again in superhero comics, and as long as the stories themselves were original, no one seems to care. Unfortunately, I think you need a better premise than "they need to open a buried door." This just makes me think that someone really needs to get a shovel. :P Also, I'm a little confused as to why they need to unearth the ancient creature. Is the creature bothering anyone? Poking a creature that's not doing anything seems like a really, really bad idea. Like "Epic of Gilgamesh" or "Super 8" bad. Anyway, I guess I just kinda want to know what makes your novel unique. What really made you want to write it? What new twist can you add to the genre? Sorry, tend to get a little long on the critiques, but hope this helps. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:46:59 -0700

The plot details you told 9393usak about? They really need to be in the summary in some form or another. Because while you tell me what's at stake, I really don't understand why/how doing this prevents their world from being destroyed. Because as it is, it sounds like unearthing this creature would be more dangerous. You say you want the story to be about the kids/the limits. Is there a way you can restructure the first paragraph to focus on not only what they have, but what kind of limits they are constantly running up against? That would catch my eye more than their mission.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:16:29 -0700

Thank you for your review. As to your number 4., please refer to other pages of this thread. I have, indeed, critiqued other people's posting, thank you. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 07:44:47 -0700

Thank you for your critique! -I'm not too attached to the title, so I don't think it'll be too difficult to change. (It was a line from a song, whose chorus doubles as the epigraph for the book.) -I agree more can be said about their powers to make them more gripping, but the thing I tried to do in this story was make it about the limits rather than removing them. -The risk line is one of my additions to it, so I'm glad that caught your eye. :) I'll mix it around and come up with something new. Thanks again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:22:08 -0700

that wasn't to you. it was just part of what I had copied off the first post forgot to delete before posting. sorry about that

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 08:21:12 -0700

I'm not sure of what I want to say about the title so I'll come back to it. Your blurb: (my suggestions in bold) Kara Clayton has ten seconds left to live. Good hook! Would striking "left" add more tension? But a scientist from a different world decides to disobey all regulations and save her. This line works for me. However, is the "but" necessary? She awakens in a new world, in a different body. With no time to process, she is immediately drafted into war. But this is a world where science fiction is barely distinguishable from reality, a world where races like elves, vampires, and angels are not only dreamed of, but created. I like this idea but I believe there are some clarity issues. Maybe combine the first two sentences? As in: "In a new world, in a new body, with no time to process, she is forced into war." As to the second part, are the fantasy races merely created or are they functional and living? This is a world where anything can happen, where any dream can come true. With the willingness to succumb to the forces around her, Kara can remain safe- and happy- in this technological paradise. Here Kara can be safe- and happy- so long as she submits/succumbs to the forces around her. But Kara doesn't want to succumb. This feels a bit weak, of course Kara doesn't want to succumb. The question is will she? Because a girl has just been shot before her eyes. Because she's been under an abusive rule for far too long. And because paradise comes with the price of ignorance, and this world is not all that it seems. As it stands, I feel it is pretty good blurb and I would pick it up. I especially like the last two lines. I hope this helps! Your concerns: I think your style is unique and interesting, so keep that. Maybe you could work the Frankenstein's monster-like burns into the "a new body" clause. As for the title, I keep drawing a blank. Sorry.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:01:28 -0700

I agree with much of what Wilson3sd said but here is my take anyways. [quote=9393usak] I'm so glad that someone resurrected this, because I was way too shy to do that myself. :P Haha, anyway I've been busy with finals, but I finally have a revision. :) Title of the novel: Deathwatch Genre: Fantasy/Science Fiction Back cover blurb: [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? Title seems fine depends what you are going for. It is defiantly catching but makes me think someone is just waiting to die. If that is what you want to portray then go for it. For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? from what I see right now I would debate about picking it up. Might check it out of the library to take a gander at but not something I would buy IF I had the money. I usually don't have money to buy wants only needs...so ya. See below for full critique [quote=9393usak] Kara Clayton has ten seconds ~~left~~ to live. ~~But~~ a scientist, who has been watching her from across the galaxy has fallen for her. He does not want her to die. So, he ~~from a different world decides to~~ disobeys all regulations and saves her. She awakens in a new world, in a ~~different~~ body not her own, with burn marks over it that reminds her of Frankenstein's monster. Having ~~With~~ no time to process anything, she is ~~immediately~~ drafted into war. But this is a world where science fiction is barely distinguishable from reality,(put a period here instead of a comma and capitalize the A) a world where races like elves, vampires, and angels are not only dreamed of, but ~~created~~ (think you can use stronger words then created here...like saying they "are born" created makes it sounds like whoever created them controls them somehow and if that is the case then say something about that here then...like "created, the dreamer having full control over their actions"). This is a world where anything can happen, where any dream can come true. ~~With the willingness to succumb to the forces around her,~~ Kara can remain safe- and happy- in this technological paradise,If she is willing to succumb to the forces around her. (the other way I kept wanting to move the can to form a question...can Kara remain safe...? placing the MC first in this line with the choice at the end makes more of a punch) ~~But Kara doesn't want to succumb.~~ (I agree with Wilson here. That line seems week. No one wants to succumb. Try "Kara, won't succumb, though." that is much stronger.) ~~Because a girl has just been shot before her eyes. Because~~ she's been under an abusive rule for far too long and seeing a girl shot before her eyes she realizes. ~~And because~~ That paradise comes with the price of ignorance, and this world is not all that it seems. Concerns: Well first of all it's way too long. :P I also feel like my writing style is a little annoying. Plus the scientist saves her because he's in love with her, and the body into which she's placed has these horrible Frankensteinian burns all over it, two major plot points which I can't figure out how to incorporate. So please feel free to stab the updated version to death, people. ;) [/quote] Try those suggestions out. I think they will make the back of your book have a stronger hook to get people to read it better then what you had. I tried to work your concerns into it. Hope it helps you. Good Luck

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:40:18 -0700

Most of what I'm about to say is in the gist of what has been said already. My apologies. I do think the first two sentences comprise a very good hook, and that mention of the new body would be a good place to mention that Frankensteinian burns on it. I'm also not sure I like the "not only dreamed of, but created," phrasing, because that suggests they are created from dreams, and I'm guessing that's not the impression you want to give? I do think "submits" or the like would give a better connotation than "succomb," but that could be me misreading things, and I do agree that the fifth paragraph is a little weak. I'd almost suggest cutting it entirely and starting the last paragraph with "but" rather than "because," since the fifth aragraph can be assumed from the sixth and therefore isn't strictly necessary. I do think this is a stronger synopsis than the one on the first page, and that it's something I would be interested in picking up and flipping through, at the very least.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 08:01:20 -0700

@9393usak Thank you! -Cliche powers? Absolutely, I was/am worried about that myself. What I've tried to do is make it about them, and how they face these things, rather than about their powers. (I think it lends more weight to show the powers sparingly, or, if I show them a lot, to emphasize their limits.) -Buried door/creature? tl;dr Missionary man tried to kill it 500 years ago, trapped it in a cave sealed by a volcano. Needs unearthing? Not necessarily, but missionary man wants to prevent even an accidental unearthing/re-awakening. Plus he thinks he can kill it this time, instead of just trapping it. Thanks again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 23:47:15 -0700

Story points as requested (chronological) 1) discovery that primary amenorrhea is due to AIS at age 16 2) coldness of father due to known diagnosis 3) Removal of Mystery's testicles 3) death of brother secondary to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (although I don't state that) 4) Father tells Mystery that he wishes she died instead of Brandon, leading to parental divorce 5) General gender and sexuality confusion throughout 6) Friend Heather becomes romantic, but #5 prevents Mystery from acting on the impulses 7) Heather abandons Mystery 8) Mystery and attempted suicide (gender issues and Heather) 9) Darcy and the photoshopped photograph of Mystery posted on the school 10) Heather and Mystery reconciliation 11) Vaginal lengthening for satisfactory sexual intercourse 12) End of high school 13) Heather's drug addiction and another abandonment 14) Mystery's experimentation with relationships 15) End of college and moving to New York for cullinary school 16) Marriage to Donovan and his murder 17) Heather and a Trainspotting-like detox by Mystery 18) Mystery opens a bakery and becomes the mistress of a married Heather for ten years until Heather divorces her husband and tries to resume the relationship they had in high-school. 19) Heather pregnant with Mystery's deceased husband's sperm (Jerry Springer, yes it is...kinda) 20) Death of Mystery's father and his posthumous apology I am not sure if this is what you wanted, but it is what it is. It is better in the book. Really, it is. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:46:38 -0700

In case this comment ends up somewhere below Loki's, as my other comments have, this is @Wilson. Thanks for the willingness to pick it up! :) As for the critique, I really like your suggestions for the third paragraph and will be sure to incorporate those. I think I have an idea for the "Kara doesn't want to succumb line" as well. :) Thanks again for the critique, it's really helpful. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:39:32 -0700

Wow, thank you so much! I really like your ideas for the second paragraph, it gets rid of a lot of the concerns that I had and adds some interest. :) Haha, and I totally understand the whole "I don't want to buy books thing." For a writer, I don't really read all that many books myself. :P And agreed about the whole debating about picking it up thing, I'm having the hardest time trying to put the actual voice of the novel in here. ;) I suspect that this will probably need a ton of revision for it to be up to my standards. Again, thanks so much for the critique. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:42:25 -0700

>_< Have I mentioned lately that I hate not being able to delete comments on these forums? Anyway, the second post under Loki is what I meant to post for LadyStarlea. So hopefully, this works, but if it doesn't... I tried. :P My actual comment to LadyStarlea: Wow, thank you so much! I really like your ideas for the second paragraph, it gets rid of a lot of the concerns that I had and adds some interest. :) Haha, and I totally understand the whole "I don't want to buy books thing." For a writer, I don't really read all that many books myself. :P And agreed about the whole debating about picking it up thing, I'm having the hardest time trying to put the actual voice of the novel in here. ;) I suspect that this will probably need a ton of revision for it to be up to my standards. Again, thanks so much for the critique. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

jEisenstadt — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:16:48 -0700

Critique of Olympian: I like the title. Simple, one-word titles are usually more catchy. However, there is always the risk that your story would be confused with the Dan Simmons novel, Olympos. "and a psychic who will hint that he's a fake even while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head" - I find this line unclear. Are you saying that he -is- really psychic but he tells people that he's not? He's trying to hide his powers? "He is not, whatever that kid Zac Celles and his crazy friends think, a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades" - A better way to phrase this might be "Regardless of what that kid Zac Celles and his crazy friends might think, Harley is -not- a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades." (But either way that is a pretty good hook, since now I want to know, "well, is he or is he not?") I have an issue with the next two sentences both starting with "Except." In fact, I actually think -both- sentences would work better without the word "except." Also, how does he meet/encounter this girl? Finally, it should be clearer "who" exactly the Titans are in this story - are they reincarnations as well, or are they the actual Titans from mythology? I love Greek mythology, so it sounds like a cool idea.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:50:53 -0700

[quote=Loki Mischief-Maker] [Giving rewrites of both the synopses I've put up here at once. I hope that's okay. If it's not, just pick whichever one you'd rather talk about and critique that.] Title: Olympian Genre: YA urban fantasy [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? the title is simple to the point. You want to make sure there is no fantasy books with that tile elsewhere though. You do not want people confusing or comparing you to another book by someone else they might hate. In my quick look with Google there was an album with that name, did not see any fantasy books but I did not do a detail search. For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? I love stories that involve Greek Mythology and the gods. So that alone would make me give it a gander at the library at least. Critique below. [quote=Loki Mischief-Maker] Harley is a runaway, a self-confessed freak, and a psychic who hates other's knowing he is. He will even go so far as to hint that he's a fake ~~even~~ while your dearly departed is chattering in the back of his head. ~~He is not, whatever~~ No matter what that kid Zac Celles and his crazy friends ~~think~~ say, he is -Not- a mortal incarnation of the Greek god Hades. ~~Except he recognizes something in the~~ Then he meets this girl, who thinks she's Hera! ~~, though~~ he's never seen her before in his life. but, there is something about her, that he recognizes deep inside him. Who is this girl? Why does she feel so, familiar? ~~Except~~ something's coming. Whether ~~or not~~ Harley believes in the Olympians or not, the Titans do know the truth/know they really do exist, and if Greek mythology really moves in cycles, a Titanic victory would put the elements back in the hands of their original -- and far more violent -- wielders. Concerns: Tried to make it clearer that Zac and Harley don't start out acquaintances, and to make the myth its based on a little clearer. I still think the last paragraph is a little choppy. [/quote] tried to make things a bit clearer and stronger. I gave you a few options as ways you can go. When I read the part about the titans I found it a bit confusing but when I read "a Titanic victory would put the elements back in the hands of their original --" this made me think the titan's are not reincarnations but the original titans that is why I went the way I did with the two options I gave you there. Hope this helps you. Good luck [quote=Loki Mischief-Maker] Title: Scales Genre: YA fantasy [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? You seem fond of one word titles. I can see you are thinking of Dragon Scales here only from reading the back summary. The word alone though makes me think of measuring scales off hand. I also see from your concerns you don't seem to like your own title. If you don't like it how should anyone else. If you want the one word title route you can name it simply after your dragon "Cerrovax" or the girlfriend "Lore". If you don't mind mind multiple words maybe something like "Knights, Ladies and the Dragon" meh...maybe not. I remember seeing somewhere someone had posted a link to a site that helps with titles. (found it) http://www.fictionalley.org/primer/title.html So, you plug in a few keywords important to your story and they come up with a title I hear maybe it can help. For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? this seems like something I would love to read. Though the summary does need some work. See critique below. Not sure why you are putting the in italics. If you want to stress it so the reader knows it is more like a title then a simple the you can capitalize the T you know. [quote=Loki Mischief-Maker] The lady Cwyn has been kidnapped by the dragon -- Cerrovax, the great black beast on the royal standard. It seems that the bards may have exaggerated and the first king of the dynasty didn't kill ~~him~~ the dragon after all. Which is quite embarassing, but there are a number of single men in the royal family who could fix their ancestor's mistake. They can kill the dragon, ~~by riding forth to~~ rescue ~~and marry~~ the -- quite eligible -- young duchess and then marry her to live happily ever after. Cwyn's girlfriend Lore ~~rather~~ however, strongly objects to that last bit of the traditional solution. So, ~~she sets off to rescue Cwyn herself,~~ with the ~~help~~ aid of her bastard, half-brother Fionn, the only knight-in-training ~~Lore~~ she knows who won't expect the dramatic rescue to end in marriage. Lore sets off to rescue Cwyn herself. And if the dragon's plans had been as simple as kidnapping a beautiful girl and broiling a few princes in their own armor, they might have pulled it off. Instead, they find themselves the wrench in the gears of a revenge plot three hundred years in the making. Concerns: There is a title now, but not one I'm particularly fond of. I think the last paragraph flows better and still retains the tone of the story, but the blatant anachronism bothers me. [/quote] I know you say that the last paragraph bothers you but I quite like it myself and would change nothing there. Hope I have been some help to you. good luck.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:26:09 -0700

I'm totally cool with two blurbs at once, haha. :D Olympian: Okay, I'm going to take a shot at your last paragraph here. "But something's coming. Whether or not Harley believes in the Olympians, the Titans do, and a Titanic victory would put the elements back in the hands of their original-- and more violent-- wielders." This still feels a little choppy, and I'd probably add some sort of powerful adjective to "the elements." Raise the stakes. What exactly is so powerful about the elements? I took out the part about Greek mythology moving in cycles- it didn't really seem to fit. Scales: The title is decent, but not as good as it could be. I'm going to direct you to a site that seems to be working pretty well for this: http://www.fictionalley.org/primer/title.html. You just plug in words that fit your novel, and it comes up with different combinations of those words. As for the actual blurb, I love the whole twist about Cwyn being rescued by her girlfriend. :) The threat at the end seems kind of vague though- I kind of want something more tangible for them to fight. As for your concern about "anachronism"- well, I had to look that up. Usually I'm the one defining words for all my friends, but it seems on these forums I meet people whose vocabularies make mine look like a second grader's. ;) Anyway, back to the concern- what exactly is it about the timing that's concerning you? It seems plenty reasonable to me that the dragon could live for a few hundred years. The concern might have something to do with the revenge plot, but you haven't really given me much to go on here. Also, I'm not sure what "the great black beast on the royal standard" means. Other than that, I personally think the blurb is fairly compelling. I'd probably at least pick it up and give it a try for a few pages. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:33:09 -0700

No worries. :) I'm so thick-headed I probably need a summary anyway. As for the impression I wanted to give- I was sort of going for the notion that this whole world seems like an impossible utopia, where anything can happen. Then I wanted to turn that idea on its head. With the dreaming thing I was mostly going for the whole idea that on Earth tons of people want to be vampires or elves, and on this planet it actually happens. I will try cutting out the fifth paragraph and seeing if I can make it a better transition, but I really wanted to emphasize the idea that Kara is going to fight. :) Haha and thanks for the willingness to pick it up! :D It's kind of what the blurb is there for, so at least I get a partial victory. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:59:31 -0700

Thank you! And yes, about the first problematic line. I'm starting to think I'm going to have to find a way to transition between paragraphs than parallelism, because the parallelism doesn't seem to be working. . . . But thank you again for taking the time to go over it for me.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

beanza3 — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:22:02 -0700

I love the first line. Just putting that out there, it's awesome. :D Okay, now, in the first paragraph. I'd take out this sentence: "But this is not just any magical guitar - it is the legendary "Stormbringer," the most powerful guitar in the world." And just make it clear it's the most powerful guitar. Do we need to know it's name, or is it the purpose that's more important? And the "but this" is kinda cliche. It made me roll my eyes. It's trying too hard, and... We already get the magical guitars are the norm in this world, it doesn't need to be bashed in again! :D I'd also recommend splitting paragraph 1 after "a gift and a warning." It makes it feel a bit more structured, or I could just be being anal. Paragraph 2: "Their shadowy master" is kind of a weak sentence. The US vs. THEM dynamic is already down, unless the masters are made of shadows, live in a shadow, or are physically shadow-like, the adjective is unnessisary. Why is guitar mages in quotes? Are they not actually guitar mages? Does the term not actually exist in your world? It's confusing. Why is the last sentence in quotes? It makes it feel as if you're quoting from an outside source, which is... awkward. Does it really need to be in quotes? Last paragraph: I'd take out the "70 years old" unless his age is of dire importance. You say "old guitar teacher" and that he was missing for "10 years" which already has the reader assume he's old. I'd also cut out the second to last sentence. This isn't a query, we don't need to be told the genre. The summery should make that obvious. And why is crossroads in quotes anyway? But go from crossroads to "The destiny..." Alright now, looking back on your first posting, I've got a few things to add. First: "Now Rebecca is the target of a secret society of "guitar mages," who battle for supremacy and dominion over rock and roll. Billy's enemies will stop at nothing to seize his guitar and use its powers for evil. Rebecca must flee in search of the key to this mysterious power, hidden somewhere in rock and roll history. As the savior of shred, can she unite the factions of rock music and defeat the guitar mages? The destiny of rock and roll is in her hands - or, more accurately, her fingers." Add a few bits of that into the new one. This is really the plot, and it's not mentioned in your new one. Definatly lay out the idea that she's going on her journey for a reason (you never mentioned the "mission" in your new one), the key is hidden in history, and that the GM's might steal the guitar for nefarious purposes. You mention it could be used for good or evil, but don't mention why they're stealing it. Just that they want to. Concerns: 1) How to convey the tone of this story, which is irreverent and humorous but still takes itself seriously. Okay, it's very serious. It's a good vs. evil battle here! The rock and roll mentions could be played off as humerous, but... Not in this one. Maybe another re-write, which would be similar to the voice you use in the book, but not exact. The bare bones will never be funny. Spice it up, definatly by getting a better feel on the voice you want to use. 2) This story might appeal to a slightly younger audience (esp. fans of Guitar Hero), but at the same time there's a lot of crude/adult humor and themes of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. How to I get that across as well? Um... No idea. I think that'll go under where it ends up shelved, mainly. I mean, you can't just mention it, and the summery should be more focused on the plot, so... Maybe change your demographic. This may also relate to voice, above. I don't like the title, but I hate illiteration in titles, so it could just be me. And I know the "proper" term isn't illiteration, but, you get what I mean right? The "S's" are too much. But that's probably a personal preferance thing. This was a bit of a ramble, but hopefully it made sense! Good luck! :D

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:09:39 -0700

Sorry, I did see that up there before and meant to respond to it, but I got kind of busy. :P I do like this one better than the other blurb. It feels a little more toward the humorous side like you wanted, while still maintaining seriousness. Your last paragraph, however, feels a little choppy, so I'm going to give you a hypothetical re-write: "70 years old and tired of running, Billy tasks Rebecca with completing the mission that he could not. In her quest to discover the origins of the incredible power of music, Rebecca will travel to some of the most iconic sites of rock history, from Woodstock to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the mythical "crossroads." "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll" meet epic fantasy in this alternate spin on rock history. The destiny of rock and roll lie in Rebecca's hands- or, more accurately, her fingers." Anyway, you can take whatever parts you like of that and leave the rest. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:28:59 -0700

Okay I am not doing this critique as I have others. The reason for this is, and others might disagree but really there was only one problem I had with it. I did not like how the first line reads. I realize you are going for the iconic one line hook but maybe you just can't do that here. Maybe some pose of some sort here might be better. "Everything is made up of the five elements. Earth, Water, Air, and Fire are the four primary elements everyone knows. Soul brings them all together and Music speaks to the soul. So it is that Music can control them all." Take my suggestion or not. Also to me it seems the elements were listed in the wrong order but maybe it is just me. I am so use to Earth being listed first as it is also the name of our planet. I hope I was some help but maybe not. The story sounds cool and I would most likely enjoy reading this. I have many stories in which music controls the magic in the world. While you don't list the genre as most do I hazard this might be urban fantasy? Anyway. Good Luck with this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:06:52 -0700

[quote=beanza3] Title: The Innocent Flower Genre: YA dystopia Back cover blurb: [/quote] For the title- Is the title gripping? Do you have any ideas of what would make a better title for this piece? Do you have any grammatical suggestions? What would make the story more interesting for you? I like the title, it sounds nice. For the summary- Would you read this book? If not, why? Is it because you don't read these types of books or because the genre just isn't your thing? Did the summary catch your attention and hold it? Are there distracting grammar mistakes in it? Is anything in the summary unclear? Would you read the first page or put the book back on the bookshelf? Not liking the summary. Somewhat confusing and I just can't believe it. Number one the government would never draft a 16 year old ever. The youngest they take is 17 and then only with parental consent. So unless you can provide why they would take her into the army and train her at 16. I just do not buy that. Also it takes YEARS to train to be a sniper she would not be 16 anymore. [quote=beanza3] She's not a villian. Not a hero. Not a philosepher. Not a revolutionary. Not a savior. [/quote] Do not like how this reads. Ether make this one sentence or If you want to keep the list here then put "She's" at the opening of each one then. Ether way put the "Avery is nothing." ether the end of the combined sentence or the end of the list. It seems out of place starting the next paragraph. [quote=beanza3] ~~Avery is nothing.~~ Hidden under lies and secrets, her carefully built facade tumbles when she gets thrown into the army. Her ~~16 year old~~ life ended, changed into responsibility and fear. And most of all, Death. When the government puts her out to die, she doesn't fight back. [/quote] is her age really needed here? [quote=beanza3] ~~But~~ when her friends,and those she loves, get caught in the cross-fire, the newly trained sniper has to act. Her goal? Protect her friends. But when the president, himself/herself is against you. What is a girl to do? ~~gets in the way.~~ Concerns: Too pretentious? Doesn't make any sense? Does it need more/less information? Is it interesting at all? Everything and anything is a concern... Be as "mean" as you want, I can take it! [/quote] Really hate how that last bit reads. Maybe I am not understanding what you mean when you say the president gets in her way. But this was what I felt you meant and has stronger punch then just saying "gets in the way." Hope I was some help. If not I still wish you luck with this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

sovay — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:13:04 -0700

Title - this is going to sound harsh, and I apologize, but I find the title extremely off-putting. Most of the time I don't really care about titles, especially when the book itself sounds interesting. I mean, "The Great Gatsby" is my favorite novel, and I'll read it even if it's called "Trimalchio in West Egg" or whatever Fitzgerald tried to call it. But here, when I look at the back cover blurb, the phrase "The Innocent Flower" sounds like it's a referendum on the main character to my ears, and I don't want to read about characters that are perfect, innocent, or flowers. Or all three! Surely, the innocent flower could be something else relating to the text, but I get the wrong vibe from it. I think you would find a better title if you dug really deep into your novel and found what was really important at the heart of it all. "The Great Gatsby" is a better title than "Trimalchio in West Egg" because it really captures the entire sweep and rise and fall of Gatsby's life, and how Nick Carraway is there to watch it all. It gives me the right image to take away from the novel. I worry that "The Innocent Flower" doesn't do that. Is the innocent flower really the image you're taking away from this? If it is, then by all means, it's a fine title. But it's not a title that captures my interest. Summary - again, this summary fails to draw me in. I actually checked out the summary you had on your profile and I was like, "Oh, eugenics? Pretty cool!" But here I wasn't getting that. The thing is that I'm not interested in a character who's "nothing." When I read books, I want characters that are real. I want characters who are so much more than nothing. I want characters that have emotions, that have flaws and contradictions and have jam on their toast and watch period dramas and say things they don't mean. I want characters that are good people who make the wrong decisions, or bad people that get away. I want to read about people that are real. I don't want a character who is nothing. I think you were trying to get at the whole "She's a normal girl until extraordinary things happen to her" angle and I like it. But I mean, if I look at the title, do I want to read about an innocent flower? I think you have some really interesting undercurrents here, they're just not tapped out at the right angles. I think some of these questions might be questions for the overall novel, but I'll ask them anyways - what does that mean by "she's thrown into the army." What army? I gathered that this was a dystopian novel and governments have armies, but why is there an army? Something like "The eugenics movement spawned the creation of an army of pureblooded peoples" or something (something far better written than that, haha!) would help situate the reader better in the world of your story, so I get why it's such a big deal that she gets thrown into the army and what that means for her. I also think it's interesting that she doesn't fight back when thrown into the army - I gather that she doesn't have a problem until her friends get mixed up in it, and she realizes that, you know, shit's getting real. So if I get past the character that's nothing and the innocent flower title, I'm actually kind of interested now. I'm like, "Oh, eugenics movement? Characters being drafted into armies? Characters that are okay with it until something happens?" I like what I see! But here's the other thing I notice about this summary: is there a conflict? Yes, of course, there's the conflict with Avery trying to save her friends against the evil president. But who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to save their friends when you've got Big Brother looking over you? I feel like one of the pitfalls of writing dystopian fiction is that it's so easy to fall into the "THE GOVERNMENT IS WRONG. LET'S FIGHT IT TO SAVE THE EARTH" story plot, and that's not interesting if only because I've seen it before. But what if there's something holding Avery back from saving her friends, /aside from the president/? What I mean by this - does Avery herself have an internal conflict that's preventing her from saving her friends? Can you find an internal conflict to match your external conflict? What if Avery is thin-skinned and wants to save herself first? What if Avery is also very loyal to her family and saving her friends means betraying her family? What if somebody offers Avery something super tempting if she lets her friends die? What if Avery isn't the innocent flower? What if she's really a flawed character? Or just an overall good person tempted into making bad decisions? If these things happen in your novel, show us that! Show us that instead of "well, the government sucks and it's evil and the government won't give me my friends back," which is what this summary borders on becoming. So in summary (haha!), I think you have an interesting story on your hands! If I consider it and look at your profile and think about it for a while, I'm pretty intrigued! But at first glance, I have to say, I wasn't. I think if you looked at the essence of your character and the driving forces of your story, you might see a better title, and I think adding in the internal conflict to the external conflict would help as well. It'd give this story more of an impetus other than "mean governments," and I think I'd be much more engaged for it! Lastly, two spelling errors - villan instead of villian and philosopher instead of philosepher. Just minor things! I hope this was helpful to you! (: This might have sounded harsh, and I don't mean it to be, because I really do think your story sounds quite interesting! (:

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:06:56 -0700

Wow, thank you so much! I'll definitely have to look into that for renaming Scales [while I do have a preference for simpler titles, that these are both one-word titles at the moment is a bit of coincidence, so I have no issues making it a bit longer]. And yeah, the italicization of the "the" was intended to stress Cerrovax's importance in national history, which clearly isn't coming across. You've given me a lot of food for thought, and thank you again for the detailed critique!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:15:03 -0700

Thanks. I'll have to see if I can incorporate the cyclic nature of Greek myth into Olympian's synopsis better, since it's a fairly important concept, and I'm glad you found Scales compelling, it's proving to be mad fun for me to write. The anachronism I was worried about wasn't actually a plot element, it was phrasing -- "wrench in the gears," to be specific, since a setting based rather heavily on 12th century Whales doesn't have gears or wrenches to get stuck in them, but I couldn't find a better idiom and I just threw it up there as is to see if anyone else could think of one. "Royal standard" is the banner bearing the royal heraldry; it's a more military-charged term, but given that two fantasy authors have asked me what I meant by it, I'm beginning to think I should change "standard" to "banner" in the synopsis, but at least that's an easy fix. And thank you again!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:43:06 -0700

Growl Nanoforums. Just growl. This is meant for Lady Starlea. :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

beanza3 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:59:52 -0700

[Duplicate Post]

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

beanza3 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:57:32 -0700

No, I wanted harshness. And you're really helpful, because you get want I'm doing with the story, but am just too inept to actually be able to put into words and make interesting. I'll definately muse on that before re-writing it. But I'll defend the title do the death, because I love the title. Like, if it was an actually book, the cover would be a white flower dipped in blood. It's based on a quote from Macbeth (Look the innocent flower/but be the serpent undern'th it) and a whoel theme in the book is Avery's seeming innocence while she's hiding everything "bad" about her. Just like another whole bunch of characters in the book. :D Though it's more a referendum on the antagonist because she seems so innocent, so noble, so patriotic, but she really goes behind other people's back and murders poeple, keeps a corrupt regime running, ect. Thanks again! You've given me a lot to think about and hopefully my next will be better! :D Let's all hope!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:20:49 -0700

Sorry for taking forever to reply, my internet decided to die for a couple of weeks. :P I would emphasize the death of the brother a little more, I didn't exactly get it the first time through. Also emphasize that the father wishes she had died. Most of the other points are either too detailed, too much information for this stage in the process (you want to pique the reader's interest, not give the story away) or already well stated in the blurb. I think you only need to state that Heather leaves her once. Overall I think you did a fairly good job stating the main plot points without giving too much detail. Adding much more would probably be a bit of overkill. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:41:32 -0700

Well I see you haven't come up with a new title yet. I wish you luck in finding one you like. As for the Blurb it seems short, to the point and reads well I think. I saw only one mistake. You had an extra word in the 6th paragraph (see below). It leaves me curious so I at least pick it up and take a gander of this at a library. [quote=Wilson3sd] Reworked version: Title: Genre: Adventure/Superhero Blurb: A thousand years is a long time to hold a grudge. Bobby, Drew, Emma, Nate, and Natalie find this out the hard way when they are drawn into a strange missionary's quest for revenge and redemption. All five have experienced powerful changes in their lives that make them ideally suited to aid in this fool's errand. Each has developed gifts beyond human ability. But these gifts come with a price. A price some may not be willing to pay. Drawn out of their normal lives ~~into~~ and into a fight centuries old, the five must learn, must fight, and they must win. All that they know and love is at risk should they fail. [/quote]

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

sovay — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:54:18 -0700

Hey, I'm glad this helped! And if The Innocent Flower is the title you envision for your story, then go for it - you're the writer, it's your opinion that matters! (:

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

everqueen — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:45:42 -0700

I don't know about the title; I think The Knig's Rangers might be better than A Lady Ranger. The main thing about this blurb for me is the familiar; the 'Now meet...' and 'See what happens...', and that sort of thing. It throws off the reader because, rather than drawing us in, it reminds us that this is just a story. Am I making sense? And then there's a lot of little things, where you could just polish. There are several places (such as when you mention the less elite guard) where you can make your sentences a little more concise. I like the idea thoughl it sounds interesting. I would probably grab it from the library.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:34:32 -0700

I do think the title's descriptive enough, and the title/subtitle combination is what would draw me in -- I like watching gender barriers break down, and I think the combination hints at that nicely. I would end the subtitle with only one question mark rather than "?!?", though. I realize you're trying to convey incredulous surprise, but the string of punctuation feels like something I would find in a webcomic rather than on the cover of a book, if that makes sense. Before I get into the critique -- this sounds like something I would pick up and read. As for the blurb itself -- I do think the way you start with the world, rather than character or conflict, makes it a lot harder to get to the story quickly. Do we need to know about the two sets of armed forces before we pick up the book? Do we need to know exactly what Denten's Academy of Arms does? The third paragraph really contains the meat of the synopsis, and the interest, and Tracey and Jenny are what is going to grab someone. I's start with them, how Tracey's the top student at the academy, and how her and Jenny dream of being part of the king's special forces. Then I'd introduce the Trials of Three with it's snag. And then I feel like the reader should have some idea what they decide to do about it. I feel like I'm being harsher than I mean, because I do really like the story idea. I just think you're trying to start big and narrow our focus, when this reads to me like a story that should start with character and then ripple outwards.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:18:25 -0700

I'm supposed to assume that the "glimpse of the secret," is the thing that will connect these two together? You are correct the last line is a tag line, but it is not a very strong one. Your first couple of sentences are not bad. You give me a main character, his life and his dreams, and a conflict. There is a punctuation error: "...creating the Philosopher's Stone and meeting..." should be "...creating the Philosopher's stone, and meeting the Lady..." The second part, the one after 2400 AD can use some trimming, namely the part about the 2020 global terrorist attacks. Again there is a punctuation error: "...her hair next and how..." should be "...her hair, and how to keep..." I think the third paragraph needs a little bit of expansion. It is a little thread-bare. I would eliminate the last line altogether, but that is just me. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:47:49 -0700

Let me start by saying I think the concept is pretty cool, and that alone might be enough to make me look at the first couple of pages/chapter list. In some ways, the parallel structure you have going for the two lead characters works -- and I think it could be a really strong opening to this synopsis, but I agree with J_S_C that the second one needs a little trimming. I don't think the adjectives -- snarky or pretty -- are necessary, because I don't think they paint as clear a picture of Mira as her dyed hair or kleptomaniacal tendencies, and they further disrupt the parallel structure because you don't use such adjectives to describe Will. Ask yourself how much we need to know about the details of the post-apocalypse setting before we read the first page and delete everything you don't. I actually disagree with J_S_C in that the last line could end it relatively strong if you use it right, because it tells us point blank that these two characters lives are going to intersect directly. What I don't like about it is how it directly addresses the reader. Can you indicate the collision/proximity of their worlds without breaking the fourth wall, by chance? Perhaps by expanding the third paragraph as already suggested, perhaps by rephrasing? Good luck.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:09:39 -0700

[quote=everqueen] Title: The World You Thought You Knew Genre: YA/Adventure Back Cover Blurb: England, 1300 AD Will is ~~a farmer's~~ the son of a farmer. ~~living in England.~~ His life is simple. He mourns the death of his brother Robert, lost while hunting the White Stag. ~~, and~~ He has two dreams one, of creating the Philosopher's Stone and two, of meeting Lady Eglantine, his lord's ~~the~~ beautiful, and gentle ~~lord's~~ daughter. His greatest fear is being married to one of the ugly, loud-mouthed village girls that his father is considering for him. [/quote] I would put the place with the date as it looks and reads better then how you did it in the paragraph. Also you had lord in the wrong place as it was reading the lord was the beautiful and gentle one not the daughter. [quote=everqueen] The extinct Mt Vesuvius' crater, 2400 AD Mira is a snarky, pretty teenage girl living in ~~the crater of an extinct Mt. Vesuvius in~~ a high-tech city. She's grown up knowing her world's history~~: the 2020 global terrorist attacks that nearly destroyed the Earth's crust and shattered the goverments of Earth. She also knows~~ and the extreme measures the ~~few surviving members of~~ ruling classes put in place to ensure humanity's survival. Her two biggest worries are one, which color to dye her hair next and two, how to keep her slight kleptomaniacal tendencies from her friends.[/quote] Again put the place with the date. Looks and reads better. Do not need to know what history as you said she knows her wolds history that to me says she knows all of it. Also do not need to say that it was the few survivors of the ruling classes as it would be very hard for those who had died to have done it. Not sure if the cal after kleptomania is right. Just think it is said kleptomania tendencies. [quote=everqueen] But when Will catches a glimpse of a secret stretching throughout time ~~the world~~, and Mira sees something she was never supposed to know, their lives will be changed forever. [/quote] This seems to be about time being connected as they are in different times so I would use that here. Besides "a secret stretching throughout the world" just did not read well. It is ether "throughout time" or "across the world" as "throughout the world" sounds wrong. Also I would flip flop forever and changed to read "their lives will be forever changed." [quote=everqueen] Their worlds are closer than ~~you~~ they think. Concerns: I'm not sure about how interesting the first few lines are. The last line might also be a tagline (if that's the right word) for the front of the book. Other than that, fire away. [/quote] That last line you did the same thing I had done before. The use of you there addresses the reader and makes one think story instead of pulling one in. So concentrate that line on your two MC's "is closer then they think" sounds stronger.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

everqueen — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 20:07:54 -0700

Great critiques, thanks all of you. A few responses: J_S_C: I'll work on the punctuation. And yes, I agree that the last paragraph could be fixed; I wrote it fairly quickly. Loki: Thanks ^^ I like the tagline too. And yes, I should work on Mira's paragraph, just cleaning it up a bit. Lady Starlea: I like the idea of putting the location in front of the dates, except for Mira's city; I feel like 'Italy, 2400' would be better. Also, the key here, although the reader doesn't know it at first, is that there is no time-travel. Will's medieval world is a farce, a global conspiracy basically. The date is actually 2400, but few people know it; thus, the 'extreme measures' referred to in Mira's paragraph. I think I'll change the 'you' in the tagline to 'they'.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:18:54 -0700

The King's Rangers is the title. the (A Lady Ranger?!?) is the sub title. Thank you for the critique. I never thought addressing the back cover as a story would be a bad thing. Okay I got some thinking to do. Thanks again

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

everqueen — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:07:33 -0700

Oh okay. No problem :) Good luck with your novel!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:42:44 -0700

Damnit, the first sentence on the second paragraph should read, "Goodman finds that he holds..."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:02:08 -0700

Forgive me for copying your entire first paragraph and bolding my edits -- it's so choppy due to grammar and phrasing that I feel like that would be the most expedient way to do it. [quote=J_S_C] Dr. Sean Goodman is emotionally lost after the death of his wife and daughter. One evening, he finds himself under the bed of a girl who finds lost things. ~~After soon discovering the chances of returning to his home are slim,~~ He soon discovers that the chances of returning home are slim, so at the insistence of the local matron [I'm assuming that this phrase refers to all of his new arrangements, so I'm putting it here] he takes up residence in the local whorehouse, and becomes physician to the prostitutes and the population of the village ~~at the insistence to the matron~~. Among those villagers are Joseph the hunter ~~that~~ who finds a tiger nursing a child while looking for the gem that will give all the knowledge of the world; Emmanuel the teacher ~~that~~ who believes that nature is still divided into the four elements and attempts to call down Goodman’s ideas as radical; the priest ~~that~~ who sees Goodman as a healer akin to Jesus and the Devil; the girl that cannot remember anything from the day before; and Maria, a whore whose virginity is restored when she wakes from sleep, and only sells herself to the general in hopes of keeping her village safe from the violence that surrounds it. [/quote] I feel like the second paragraph is more a summary of themes than an actual hook into the story, and I'm not entirely certain what you meant by "to the point of ever existing," and it doesn't read well as one long sentence. I do think something needs to be there, though -- what's the central conflict? That's not 100% clear here. As far as the whimsy is concerned, I think a lot of your details -- Goodman being found, suddenly, under the bed of a child that finds lost things, the nursing tiger, and the restored virginity -- do reflect a sort of fairy tale whimsy, and the contrast between those details and the more serious themes generate interest, so I think you're definitely on the right track there. Hope this is helpful.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:24:39 -0700

Oh no I do not think you are being harsh at all. Thank you, your insight. I kept looking and looking at it wondering how to combine some of it together. This really helped me. What I was trying to do with mentioning the two armed forces was to show that the kingdom as a whole had no problems accepting woman as warriors. It was just the Rangers. But I do see what you mean in fact I should have realized myself if I was thinking of striking those first two paragraphs for a query letter then the back of the book doesn't need them ether. going to rewrite and will re-post the update when done.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

goblingirl — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 07:57:09 -0700

Title: I think "A Lady Ranger" is better than "The King's Rangers", because it looks like it's about Tracey wanting to be the first female ranger. Summary (my corrections in bold): Tracey Colt is the highest rank student of the senior class at Denten's academy of arms. Jenny Stirling is her best friend and roommate. This is the first year the academy has had a girl as their top student. Since the top-ranked thing is about Tracey, the third sentence should be before you mention Jenny, so it would look better as "Tracey Colt is the highest-ranked student in her year at Denten's academy of arms--the first girl to hold the position. Jenny Stirling is her best friend and roommate." Then when the girls are shopping for supplies the unthinkable happens. These two strong-willed young ladies learn, that the group they've dreamed of joining sinc before they started the academy as little girls, did not allow women fighters to join its ranks. I don't really see why the fact they're shopping is important. Also, if they've dreamed of joining it since they were kids, why wouldn't they know that it doesn't accept women? Is it just a little-known fact or something? I don't know, it just seems like an odd time for them to find this out since they've always wanted to do it. They had worked hard all these years since the were eight, only to find out their dream means nothing. I don't think it's important what age they started training at. Maybe "They'd spent years training, only to find out they're not even allowed to apply"? Well, that is something these girls will not tolerate. They will prove that women can fight as well as any man.The first sentence is a little clunky. Maybe "Well, Tracey and Jenny won't stand for it" or "But Tracey and Jenny are determined. They will prove a woman can fight as well as any man." The Rangers might not want women in the Trial of Three, but where there is a will, one will find a way. This is a great sentence except for the end, which would be better as "but where there's a will, there's a way."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:28:38 -0700

As said before The King's Rangers is the title and A Lady Ranger? is the subtitle. It is unknown to the populace, girls are not allowed in the Rangers. The Ranger's do not want the kingdom to know as they do not want an uprising and those girls who discover it by going to try out do not tell other girls not wanting to put an end to their dreams and at the same time hoping the Rangers will change their policies someday. The academy is a boarding school. If they were not in town shopping for supplies they would not hear the crier. So ya the shopping is important. Thank you for the critique you made some good points. I have some thinking and editing to do.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:07:02 -0700

[quote=LadyStarlea] The Ranger's do not want the kingdom to know as they do not want an uprising and those girls who discover it by going to try out do not tell other girls not wanting to put an end to their dreams and at the same time hoping the Rangers will change their policies someday. [/quote] This does not seem plausible. There is so much interest that they fear riots and yet everyone else who has been told NO "does not tell other girls not wanting to put an end to their dreams". Seems like a very flimsly plot construct. I might more likely believe that only the Top 3 students from several schools around the country are allowed to apply and so far all of those top students have been males, particularly if Top Students are in part determined by 1:1 physical contests between the students.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:45:44 -0700

I'll be honest, I don't really like The King's Rangers: A Lady Ranger? It's slightly too long and the fact that you have the word "Ranger" in both the main title and subtitle just makes it sound so repetitive and rather childish. The question mark doesn't help it at all. I'd say, choose one or the other, or alter the subtitle in some way. Again, it's mostly the double use of "Ranger" that is bothering me to no end.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 16:09:11 -0700

That isn't the full reason just a simplified one. I was trying not to go into everything as most I plan on using in a prequel. Will try to explain better without getting into all back story. First off there is not too many girls that have tried to enter the tourney though the years. Also even though the kingdom accepts female warriors they are still in the minority. The Ranger tourney is known to be strict and covers three skills that many do not go to the trouble of learning. Many prefer to be good at one thing and not worry about the others, and while there will be some that will learn close and range fighting not all range fighting is archery. Not all of those will go to the trouble of learning how to track and just because they learn something doesn't mean they are good at it. Those who go to the academies take a pre-test that they must pass to enter the tourney and only Denten's Academy has a special arrangement that allows up to ten students to join, all others are just five. As for those who self-train or in the case of noble families who train with hired trainers and do not go to one of the few academies know the trials are hard and strict. And why some boys might get swell heads and think they can take anyone in anything. Girls do not have that inflated ego of themselves as they have to fight for what they want. As to those who have tried to enter to find out they can't. These are warriors, they have level heads. While they might storm off and vent to a friend or family member they would not go off broadcasting their anger. They would instead think of a way to get them to change. The best way to do that is to change the mind of enough of those in the Rangers and hope that there is a captain that will change things. But to continue to explain things along those lines will lead me to talk about the back story of everything leading to this story and this is long enough I think.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

everqueen — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 20:17:44 -0700

I thought I'd clarify: The vast majority of the world lives in a glorified version of the Middle Ages, with all the medicinal advances of modern times (but everyone just calls it witchcraft because they think that's what it is) and less dirty, etc. The people who still know what's actually going on have become the ruling elite. There are still a few high-tech cities around the world where some people live which govern certain areas of the world and ensure that most of the people stay in the dark. Mira lives in one of these, the governing city for Europe, which happens to be located in the extinct crater of Mt. Vesuvius. Mira stumbles into a gov't. facility and sees something she wasn't supposed to see, so she has to flee and ends up crashing near Will. That's where the stories converge.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 19:40:47 -0700

I do think the blurb is too long, and one of the problems with it is that you're trying to cram backstory that belongs in the story proper into the blurb rather than letting us find out once we start reading. For instance, I'm pretty sure your entire first paragraph is unnecessary. The beginning of the story -- and what would be a point of interest for many of your potential readers -- is buried at the end of the second paragraph -- the procedure her parents want her to go through. Is there any reason you can't start with her parents telling her about the procedure? Since she doesn't even remember who she is for most of the story, there doesn't seem to be much point in telling the reader about her hopes and dreams before we've even read the first page. The third paragraph I like much more, and I don't think you're giving away too much at all, just telling potential readers what kind of scope to expect. One little thing does bother me -- you say they remember "nothing of who they are" but it's obvious Lysander remembers enough to rescue Clarisse, so that seems like a blatant contradiction. I do think you end relatively strong, and I like the idea behind it, I just think you're padding your beginning too much and, especially in a blurb, you want to jump right to the conflict. Hope that's helpful.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Loki Mischief-Maker — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:05:28 -0700

I'm going to critique this line by line, because it's probably the most helpful [your words are in bold]. I do find the idea intriguing, and I think the biggest problem with your synopsis is wordiness/awkward phrasing, which is easy enough to fix. First, is the Mark Twain quote necessary? It feels like something I might find at the beginning of a book, rather than at the beginning of a synopsis, and if you really like it [and it is a good quote, and probably a good mood setter for a coming-of-age horror story], I'd suggest moving it to beginning of the manuscript instead. "Experiencing the sudden murder of her parents at the mere age of six before she could explicitly remember them or truly understand the concept of "gone," Lena Price lived a seemingly perfect, simple life in the heart of Cape Cod with her friends, boyfriend, and loving godfather, isolated from the daily vampire attacks and anti-preternatural sentiments of reality." This needs to be several sentences, or at the very least, the dependent clause at the beginning needs to be introduced differently. I presume the "seemingly perfect" life was experienced after the murder of her parents, rather than during? Because the sentence structure implies the latter. And the final clause, about the vampire attacks and political unrest, feels like an important enough plot element that it deserves its own sentence. "However, her freshman year at Eliot University, five years ago labeled the first American college to integrate human students with lycanthropes and shifters, proves to be a confusing obstacle, for she is confronted with not only adult responsibility, but the overwhelming nature of bias and hate." This is another fairly long sentence. First of all, do we need to know exactly when Eliot University integrated? Because if it's unnecessary, I'd cut the "five years ago labeled." And I'm not certain you need the "obstacle" after "confusing" -- I think the sentence stands perfectly well without it. I presume the bias and hate she encounters is the vampire attacks and anti-preternatural sentiment? Perhaps this is where you should introduce those elements, rather than the first sentence. "When she unexpectedly befriends Leo, her ancestor who was recently imprisoned at the SUNS (The Society for "Undesirable" National Suppression) due to being a vampire—the same species that killed her parents twelve years previously—Lena's childhood innocence and ideals further unravel as she discovers the blurring of the lines between good and evil that go along with growing up." I had to read the sentence twice. In nitpicky details, I'd loose the adverb "unexpectedly" because it really doesn't add anything. I'd also restructure your description of Leo to something like "her ancestor Leo, a vampire recently imprisoned at the SUNS" because its less wordy and has fewer dependant clauses, which get hard to follow after awhile. And is there any reason why you can't tell us Lena's parents were murdered by vampires in the first paragraph? It seems like a more natural place to mention it, and it gets rid of one of the clauses here. Honestly I don't think your last sentence is necessary at all, because it just reiterates themes you've already introduced, and in a three or four sentence synopsis repetition feels unnecessary. I hope that's helpful. I do think you've introduced a conflict, even if it's not your main one, since you've set up a coming-of-age story in a conflicted world. If that's the story you're trying to tell, I think you've set the mood well and it's the sort of thing I might be interested in reading.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mycatduncan — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 05:25:23 -0700

It was VERY helpful. Thanks so much! ^_^ And thanks especially for pointing out the "remembering nothing of who they are" bit - that's just a lot of the procedure's complications swimming around in my head…there's a legit reason that Lysander freed Clarisse, but I definitely don't want to get into that in the blurb. Thanks again for your help; it's appreciated!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:51:17 -0700

Thank you! I am very aware of how wordy I am as a writer. You can also tell that I'm a great abuser of adjectives/adverbs. As I said, I simply fail at writing summaries. I always feel like I put too little information, and then I keep adding more and more and more and then... well...you know what I mean from my above summary. I also felt like the quote would do better in the actual manuscript. That's where I was always planning to put it, but it looked better in the synopsis section rather than the excerpt section online, so it ended up there for the time being. And the only reason I had that terribly corny last sentence was because it somewhat alluded to the plot twist, but barely. Anyway, thanks for the descriptive critique. Most people just say "Meh. A little wordy" and nothing actually helpful. I'll have to rework this a lot, starting with the endless first sentence.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mistygal01 — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 05:17:47 -0700

I forgot, the words in the **'s are meant to be italic... I don't know how to code that on here

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Wilson3sd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 08:22:30 -0700

@mistygal01 Italics are < em > < /em > without the spaces. As for your blurb, line by line we will go! My suggestions will be in bold. Maia Doesn't No need to capitalize doesn't here. know what to think when Jem comes to her house, seeking refuge. *Things* start happening.Did the things happening cause her to seek refuge, or did they happen after she got there? Her horse is poisoned, her home goes up in flames, her father beaten and left for dead, and her mother and brother go missing. That's a lot to have happen! I believe it would flow better as "was poisoned/has been poisoned...has gone up in flames...has been/was beaten...have gone missing." Of course this all depends on whether they are occurring before after Jem shows up seeking refuge. The tenses can still be uniform though. There is only one word on her Dad's lips... *Jem*. Paragraph breakFollowing up on her Whose? promise to her father to go after him and enlist his help in rescuing the rest of her family was all part of the plan, getting caught up in the war that tears at the Northwood, an ancient and forgotten land split off from the rest of the world for centuries was not.You could break this into two sentences after "part of the plan." Maia finds herself caught up in secrets and lies so destructive that they threaten to destroy everything she holds dear - her home, her family... and the boy, the magic and the Northwood that she has come to love.That's a good last line Grade: C, just a bit too vague and confusing. Buy or shelve? Don't know. There's an interesting story in there, and I'd like to see it. But as it is right now, this wouldn't pique my interest. Is it Maia's story or Jem's? The blurb reads as if it is Jem's, even though you bookend it with Maia.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:14:10 -0700

Personally I think Northwood sound better than The Northwood I probably would put the book back on the shelf after reading that blurb, I'm afraid. But this is mostly because it's so confusing. I would sugest breaking it up into a few paragraphs and probaly make some sentences clearer. I did get that Maia is the protagonist through the story. And I think that Jem is actually the boy referred to in the last sentence? A rewrite of the blurb making things clearer might make me interested in reading the book or at least thumbing through it to see if it might be interesting.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mistygal01 — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 22:19:50 -0700

Thankyou guys, I will sit down later tonight and try out some of your suggestions =)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 10:39:28 -0700

It doesn't sound like my type, but the Bread and all that could be turned into a better hook.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:58:12 -0700

Looks like this kind of got overlooked, so I'll take a shot at it. :) I think in the first paragraph you give a lot of details about what everyone on the island likes. The combination of the idea that some people don't know there are alternatives and the idea about Leonardo Young also feels awkward. The second paragraph starts to pique my interest a little bit. Leonardo baking a different type of bread points to conflict. The backstory with the Langston twins points to motivation. The third paragraph seems okay but I would emphasize the traitor a little more. I also want something more tangible than Leo will "meet the same fate as his boyfriend." Give me some sort of graphic threat here. Is he going to end up on the ground with his skull bashed in or with a knife in his back or poison in his drink? Overall, I think you could probably combine the first and second paragraphs into a better hook. I liked how you said in the blurb on your profile that he was imprisoned for 8 years and also that he doesn't know who to trust. I would incorporate those somehow. You also said that this was science fiction/fantasy, so I think you should incorporate some of the elements of those genres into your blurb to show how it fits in. As a final suggestion, I would recommend looking at the blurbs of similar books and patterning yours after them to an extent. One book that comes to mind is "My Name is Asher Lev." It reminds me of your story concept because Asher is an artist who also goes against the grain, and paints despite his strong belief in a religion that forbids it. I'd look up the blurb for it on Amazon. I'd also recommend reading it- it's a good book, and would show you how to paint the conflict that your character has in starker terms that emphasize the roles of family and tradition. I don't know if this has any relation to your story, but that book is classified in the sub-genre of Künstlerroman under the broader category of Bildungsroman. The sub-genre of the book reflects the theme of artistry- I don't know if I would classify baking bread as artistry, but the broader genre of Bildungsroman, which emphasizes the theme of coming to maturity, might apply. Anyway, it's just a suggestion. Hope this helps a bit. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

mistygal01 — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 22:19:02 -0700

I have seen and bought books with blurbs like that before. I think it would perhaps be better, though, if you changed the layout a little... something like, "I think they're at Diamond Hill..." THEY were the words no one in THE community wished to hear, especially not Benjamin and Macy Grant. The (btw, WHOSE children? Benjamin and Macy's? in that case 'their children' would be better than 'the children') children had vanished into thin air. And only one person knew why. *personally* (and this is just my opinion) I don't think you need to worry about the hook. There are enough questions there that the reader will want to answer... where is Diamond Hill, and why does noone want to hear the words? Where have the children gone? WHY have they gone? WHO is the one person that knows why? Of course its perhaps not a *conventional* blurb, but it still works =)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:09:37 -0700

Hm, okay, your title seems okay. Maybe it's something I'd pick up, but it strikes me as having more to do with archaeology than vanishing children. :) It's interesting enough that I might take a look at it if I were in the mood, but I think a stronger title could be found. I'm going to break my own "rules" a little bit and critique your genre as well. Gasp. Anyway, I don't know that "YA Fiction" really qualifies as a genre. "YA Paranormal" maybe. Anyway, I think it could probably help if you specified your genre a little more. I've seen a bunch of blurbs on the thread that seemed to be going in a specific direction, and then I found out what the actual genre was and I was shocked. :P As for the actual blurb, I think that "The children had vanished into thin air" makes a far better hook than the fact that they're at Diamond Hill. Also, this seems kind of vague. I want to know what's waiting for them at Diamond Hill. Pirates? Ghosts? Serial Killers? Giant Ants? At this point, I have no idea. I would also emphasize why the parents are worried, which ties in with my last idea. Finally, add some genre characteristics and details. What made you excited to write your book? What is your premise? At this point, you have a decent skeleton, but I don't think there's enough here. I want a little bit of meat on the bones. Preferably some interesting if mildly revolting meat that is both repulsive and fascinating. Well, okay, that's just a sidenote that comes from the fact that I have a mildly twisted brain. ;) Hope my randomness helped. :D

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:43:07 -0700

Not just Ben and Macy's kids.A few other friend's too. It's hard to explain without giving it all away. Ben and Macy had a really bad, umm, experience with Diamond Hill before, so they are mentioned.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

TheNightPatrol — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:55:41 -0700

edit: title does have plot-relevance - those who have become Enlightened are referred to as Lights [and yeah Enligtened is meant to be capitalised xD]

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:55:12 -0700

@TheNightPatrol [quote]When Champ and his genius roommate Willis become enlightened to the existence of witches, creatures who don’t need cards to unleash powers, it becomes impossible for them to stay at the university. It is very beneficial for the ruling witches to keep their secret and so a man-hunt begins that puts the two students and everyone located near them in mortal danger. Forced to avoid contact with other humans in order to spare their lives, Champ and Willis must continuously flee their monstrous pursuers. With far less card powers and inferior experience, fighting back proves futile. Ripped out of their blissful ignorance, they are doomed to run until they are killed, the lone two Enlightened of the world. Little do they know, they might not be as alone as they think. [/quote] "When Champ and his genius roommate Willis become Enlightened to the existence of witches, " on its own, so far so good, EXCEPT that "become Enlightened to the existence of witches," makes me think this is a contemporary fantasy where the boys are stumbling on to the "fantastic" for the first time - which then gets completely thrown when I hit "creatures who don’t need cards to unleash powers," - OK wait - i am confused - the boys know about a certain type of magic? and witches are just a different type of magic? and this isnt a contemporary fantasy at all? I think you need to set up "their normal world" first _then_ add the twist of them discovering a new & different kind of magic. "It is very beneficial for the ruling witches to keep their secret " I dont like this at all, (I dont know whether is is because of the passive construction or because its a complete "tell") you are wasting precious words by duplicating the same concept in the phrases "everyone located near them in mortal danger." and "Forced to avoid contact with other humans in order to spare their lives, " I would also dump the " must continuously" I have no idea what " far less card powers " is, and so that doesnt do anything to loop me in. " the lone two Enlightened of the world." - if they are the only two - it certainly doesnt have a proper noun to describe their situation. Overall, the concepts seem very intriguing, however, I dont think the blurb as it is written would lure me in. I think you need to give me more of the characters and why I should care that they are running from the Big Bad.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

KateShelton — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:35:02 -0700

My main issue is the overuse of Grace's name. Granted, you don't want it to be all pronouns, but it just feels mind-numbingly repetitive. I want just a word or two more on the "illusions" she's creating - just slightly more explanation of that, nothing long. It was easier for me just to rewrite it for you by changing some of your sentences and words around than it was for me to explain everything, so here is how I would have written it: "Sixteen year old Grace isn't like everyone else. She was born with achondroplasia, a form of dwarfism that affects 1 in 10,000 people. But Grace is too busy working on learning how to create illusions and entertaining guests at the Renaissance Faire to worry about how her stature impacts others. All that changes when she begins attending public school for the first time. No longer surrounded by adults who have always accepted her, Grace is learning that not everyone shares her size-doesn't-matter attitude. Her classmates keep their distance, but they can't stop talking about her. Now she's learning the downside of being in the spotlight, as whispered comments follow her everywhere and the weight of their stares pulls her into a dark place. Grace finds herself wishing she was someone else. For the first time in her life, she resents the very things that make her special. But the desire to change herself, leads her to make some bad decisions - decisions Grace would normally never dream of making. Now, surrounded by "friends" with ulterior motives, Grace finds herself doing things she never dreamt she was capable of, all in attempting to fit in. Can Grace find herself before she loses everything?" Best of luck on the ABNA! I'm planning on submitting mine too. It's such a fantastic opportunity.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 08:19:18 -0700

Based on the story elements you give - yes, I'd pick up the novel to read. I do like some of the comments and changes suggested by KateShelton, however. I did think you overused the name Grace, and I would like just a wee bit more info on what her position was at the ren faire. Good luck with ABNA!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Nessabutterfly — Thu, 17 May 2012 23:05:34 -0600

"Grace is learning that not everyone shares her height doesn’t matter attitude. Grace’s new classmates might not want to get to know her, but they can’t stop talking about her. Now Grace is learning the downside of being in the spotlight. Everywhere she goes Grace hears whispered comments and feels the weight of their stares. Grace finds herself wishing she was someone else. For the first time in her life, Grace finds herself resenting the very things that make her special. The problem with wishing you could change yourself is that the desire tends to lead you to make some really stupid choices, choices that you would normally never dream of making." This section feels really repetitive. You said "Grace is learning" twice. You also repeated "Grace finds herself" and "wishing" in very close proximity. The plot feels like it could be a good one, but if the writing is as repetitive as the proposal, it still needs a lot of revision. What you have here could be cut significantly, and other information about what makes Grace special could take its place. As others have stated, it would be interesting to know what sort of illusions she preforms at the Ren Faire, but I would also like to know about one or two of the bad decisions her desire to change is causing. There's something good here-- it just needs to be drawn out a little.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:48:52 -0700

Love the title. It sucks me in straight away. I'd stop and pick this up if I were walking past the bookstore. I love retellings of Shaekspeare so I would be interested to find out if this is one. From the title and blurb I'd expect a smart, modern story with a good pace, touches of romance (forbidden romance - yes!) mixed with intrigue and uncovered secrets. It seems like there is a Shakespearian lens to it but not a strict retelling. Already from the blurb I can see significant deviations from Romeo and Juliet, enough that I'd want to read it to find out how you're going to mix the two and keep your story your own. As much as I love retellings of Shakespeare, I love smart, sassy modern novels with literary allusions even more. At this point, I'm at the counter buying your book. ;) The blurb - I like it (obviously I've already bought your book) but the end of the second paragraph jars. The tone of your writing to that point is smart, clean, modern. 'Mother load' is a term I associate with coarser professions or casual talk. It doesn't fit with the image you've built up. How about One huge story is all she needs to make it big. but then you will have to adjust the 'making it into' in the sentence before or All she needs is a huge story to prove she's ready. In the third paragraph the last sentence could do with sharpening. How about When family secrets old and new arise an old flame is rekindled. Sabrina has to decide what matters most in life - loyalty or love? I like the premise of your story and wish you luck! It sounds like a good read.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

minty88 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 08:13:21 -0700

Your Concerns: 1. I don't think it sounds lighthearted at all. I think that "No sweat" sentence could be taken out, though. The overall tone seems pretty dark to me. 2. The third paragraph doesn't come off as trite to me, but yeah, I'd say the last line isn't necessary. The "Until she meets" also doesn't make sense in the context of the sentence that came before it. I would rephrase it to something like "She's sure of herself until she meets..." 3. Borrow, definitely. If I liked it after borrowing it, I'd probably buy it. Due to budget constraints, I rarely buy books, so you should take that with a grain of salt. Things I Like: I really like what seems to be the main premise of the novel, which is a people trapped in the middle of a great conflict. The sense of hopelessness I get from the war itself is really interesting, and I really want to know more. I also like that you have clear protagonists in mind, and the more you mention these problems, the more intrigued I become. After all, conflict is what makes a novel interesting, right? Things I Dislike: It feels like just a little bit too much information thrown at me at once, or maybe it's just the way you structured the summary. For example, I had to reread the first two paragraphs a couple times to understand what was happening. I think you should actually center the focus of the blurb around the war going on and then zoom in to a smaller scope, because the main conflict (or at least, the most interesting one) is the war. From this blurb, in fact, I really don't care much about Keira's desire to get back home. There's a war going on that she could help stop, and all she cares about is leaving? It feels a little bit too selfish for what you seem to want her to be, which is a kind of traditionally heroic protagonist, right? Either focus mainly on the war, or offer more justification for this desire of hers - maybe the Council is directly harming her just to get her to stop the war? I'm not sure whether that's true, but if it is, I'd include it here. The main problem, in other words, is that there are too many characters introduced here with too many problems going on at once. I don't really get why Keira is no longer in charge, and Dawson and Enna feel like random characters you threw in there to keep our interest. I also don't know why they're traveling across the worlds. I think most of the confusion can be remedied just by focusing on the war, Keira, and maybe tangentially mentioning that her crew is suffering or something at the very end. The war dwarfs most of the other conflict, anyway. Your premise sounds really cool! It's actually a little bit thematically like my own, so it was nice to see how someone else tackled similar subject matter.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:00:50 -0700

Minty88 provided some really useful feedback, but I'm going to have to disagree with some of his/her points. (Sorry, can't tell right off the bat and don't want to make any assumptions. :D) Actually, all the personal conflicts are what draw me in. I like most of the first paragraph a lot, and it ties into the second paragraph nicely. I think that the shift from characterization to plot is a decent one. If you'd just started out the blurb with "The Shape Shifters are dying out, Light and Shadow are at war and the people of the Freelands are threatened from all directions," I wouldn't have been attracted to the story at all, because it would have been a war happening to people I didn't know and didn't care about. I would try to emphasize more why Keira loses her place as a leader. I also think there's a few sentence structure things that could be ironed out. I would change "So that means" to "If that means she has to learn magic, enter into an arranged marriage and bring peace to the entire world, she'll get it done." I don't know what you mean by "ferret shape shifter." A shape shifter who turns into a ferret maybe? And afterall is spelled after all. I also disagree with minty88 that Keira sounds whiny. I guess you could add some details that would make this more obvious, but even Frodo wanted to get back to the Shire, and no one ever said he was a whiner. ;) The desire to get back home can be a powerful motivator. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:23:59 -0700

Heaps of good feedback, thank you for taking the time. There's lots here for me to consider. You're absolutely right that there needs to be more focus on Keira's situation. She's not selfish in her willingness to help so I will need to change that perspective. Her motto is "Work with what you know" so she is very much the kind of character who stays cool in a crisis and just gets on with it. In fact, one of my concerns about the story overall is that the three of them handle it too calmly. I think emphasising her reaction to crossing into the new world has gone too far. Maybe part of conflict would be better pitched as "What will happen if she decides to stay?" Being a fantasy novel there's lots of world building, a large cast of characters and lots that has to be established quickly. It's hard not to put all that on the back of the book. I like your idea of framing it against the background of the war. The Council has had to engage in a desperate act to summon them and this may provide a better transition from the setting up of the central conflict to the personal story. Thanks again! I'm going to mull this over and make another attempt. I think getting the blurb together is harder than actually writing the book.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

overthehill — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 03:48:38 -0700

Title: I like the title, “Penny Necklace”, though there is no hint in your blurb as to what this title has to do with your story. Blurb: Nice opening line. However, as a potential reader, I believe your use of names might be confusing to the casual browser in a bookstore. Yes, it should be obvious that Sully is a contraction of Sullivan, but I had to look twice. Likewise, Gram. “Who is Gram?”, I thought to myself before re-reading and deciding that it was probably a pet name for Sully’s grandmother. Then there’s “David”. Why is David’s name first shown in quotes? Am I meant to think that David isn’t the character’s real name? Your story sounds promising, but these inconsistencies with the names seem unnecessarily distracting. What is Gram’s role in Sully’s search for her long lost love? You tell us that she is incited with a guilt-ridden wanderlust, but to what end? I think you either need to clarify why Gram is central to the plot, or cut her from the blurb entirely. I’m also confused by David’s desire to live his life on the rails, “never settling for the status quo”. I’m not sure that “status quo” is being used correctly in this instance. The two ideas don’t seem to sit easily together and I don’t immediately see why Sully would find this appealing. Perhaps you should try and break this sentence down a bit. I’m not sure about the last sentence of the second paragraph either, “They spend the summer together, until one day, David hops the train to the next town, leaving her heartbroken.” How about, “After spending the summer together, David hops the train to the next town leaving Sully heartbroken.” Though I appreciate the first sentence of the next paragraph would also need to change. In summary, you have an intriguing story that I might enjoy, but your blurb doesn’t really do it justice.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:48:19 -0700

Finally. I was getting a bit worried there for a while. ;) I may have to rework the blurb quite a bit. And I like the idea of looking at blurbs of published novels as well. I did post this blurb at another forum for some feedback. I did get some, but not to the point the way you did. Meeting the same fate as the boyfriend would be getting shot in the back of the head, which is the method favored by the so called police there. Then there really is a secret that will be revealed later about the boyfriend not being dead after all, but I don' t want to give that away in the blurb really. Your mention of the genre and pointing to the science fiction elements in the blurb made me realise that it's not that much science fiction stuff in the novel at the moment – it's still a first draft, I'm just dividing it into chapters and smaller sections as well and correcting the worst spelling mistakes and typos for now. The novel is set in an alternate universe where history took a slightly different course than the one we know, and this is just mentioned briefly in the final chapters and that's where the big reveal of cloning is made too, with no actual mention of it before that. I could of course mention in the blurb that the villain Wallace is the equivalent of Hitler in this alternate universe and that he was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while at the same time seems to be fully alive and as unpleasant as ever on this little island in 2088, the year during which most of the novel is set. The fact that it's 2088 is barely noticeable either as Wallace has kept the island tecnologically in the 1940s for the most part, except for the advanced stuff he keeps for himself. Then there are some ideas I've had today of introducing more sci fi into the novel when I re-write/edit it. I'm thinking or making the Langston twins, mentioned in the blurb, have some cybernetic implants and after being a bit too close to an explosion the surviving one gets even more implants to replace lost limbs.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:38:31 -0700

Never thought someone would think it was that :P

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

KateShelton — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:07:57 -0700

Thank you for the feedback. You were definitely right about the confusion around the names. Not good for a blurb. And, as for Gram, I knew I was committing a no-no by including a subplot in the blurb, but I was hoping to make it work. It didn't, I can see that. I've reworked it and I like the new version, but could always use some more feedback. Here it is: "You know that weird feeling you get when the train next to you is moving, but yours is standing still? That's Aisley Sullivan's entire life. When Aisley ventures down to the "forbidden" trestle on her fifteenth birthday, her life is forever changed by a chance encounter with a teenage runaway. With a nomad’s soul, he dreams of living life on the rails, never staying in one place, and before she knows it, Aisley’s in love. They spend the summer together - talking by firelight, star gazing, breaking into a house, jumping a train, and even getting picked up by the cops - until one day, he’s gone without a word, leaving Aisley heartbroken with no way to look for him, without even knowing his real name. Fifteen years later, a family tragedy draws her back to her hometown where she stumbles on a piece of their past, inspiring her to embark on a railroad expedition across the country to find her “roving vagabond”. Resorting to hypnotism and an amateur private investigator, she is determined to find her first love and, hopefully, happiness at last. But sometimes life goes off the rails. And what she discovers about herself along the way may change her whole perspective…"

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

BroadwayKhaos — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:14:32 -0700

"But one moment makes her question the war itself. One decision turns the entire world upside down. And the journey she takes has the power to save the world or send it to ruins." absolutely love this bit however i think the paragraph before it seems a little too cold and factual for a fantasy novel...it also seems very bare. I get short is better but maybe changing out the sentences to something a little more descriptive? As for the title- i'm not sure but i agree it's a work in progress. Though i have to say even with the current title i would at least pick up the book to read the first page :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

skymessenger — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:25:42 -0700

[quote=BroadwayKhaos] "But one moment makes her question the war itself. One decision turns the entire world upside down. And the journey she takes has the power to save the world or send it to ruins." absolutely love this bit however i think the paragraph before it seems a little too cold and factual for a fantasy novel...it also seems very bare. I get short is better but maybe changing out the sentences to something a little more descriptive? As for the title- i'm not sure but i agree it's a work in progress. Though i have to say even with the current title i would at least pick up the book to read the first page :) [/quote] Yeah the blurb is a very rough work in progress but the story's a lot more fantasy than it'd say. I don't want to reveal every bit. I want the reader to ask "What journey makes the world in danger? What moment changes everything? What started this war in the first place?" and get them to read. But I really appreciate your critique and thank you SO much for taking the time to do so!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Bicicletta — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 23:59:06 -0700

Reluctant Angel.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:37:09 -0700

while the first two sentences seem to be an interesting angle for a hook, they dont actually seem to "hook" onto anything in the rest of the blurb and so seem very out of place. i am not a big fan of the questions within the blurb, particularly the fact that theres two in a single paragraph. "is a little awkward for Damien" - actually nothing you have written after that indicates any awkwardness at all - he fibs for a living and seems to have perfectly justified it to himself. No awkwardness at all. Your specific concerns: if your book is controversial = free publicity blubs for comedies are tricky, they have to signal the comedy within, without being jokes themselves. it is difficult to hit the right tone that lets the reader know what to expect within the covers, particularly when comedy itself can be various levels and types and intensities. Good Omens (if you are not familiar with it, you NEED to read it) is about an angel and a devil conspiring with each other to prevent heaven and hell from initiating Armageddon, in part because they would miss having sushi, is one of the funniest books I have ever read and so it is certainly possible to religious ideas / concepts with humor. Titles: The Road to Heaven Little White Lies Fortunate Son

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

EmmaMayfield — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:53:04 -0700

I love the idea. The only thing I'd probably change is to drop the last line. We have the idea. But over all I'd definitely pick up the book and read it :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:17:35 -0700

Hm, I think that the main problem with the blurb is that it lacks specifics. I'd name the two worlds that Ella loves and hates. Also I'm confused- is the academy one of the worlds, or is it its own world? Also, make the consequences more tangible. Will war break out? Will someone get killed? Finally, what is it that makes her think she's on the wrong side? And with the last sentence, which world are you referring to, and what do you concretely mean by saying that imagination is everything? Those were just the things that confused me, so I hope that helps. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:11:19 -0700

You idea is not cliché, per say, but it isn't original. Do not fret over this though. If you look at the number of truly original ideas, you will find them few and far between. It matters how you deal with the idea that you present to us that makes it original. If it turns up formulaic (read: like the numerous romantic comedies that are released every year in the theater), then you've failed. As to the blurb. I'm a fan of short blurbs. I like them when they're hazy in their content and make me wonder what and why. You give me two characters, a setting, and a conflict. It is what is required of a blurb. Your hook is not a simple line, like many that you'll read. Your whole blurb is a hook, and I don't know if that is an accident or intentional. Either way, it's good. There are going to be some that adhere to the supposed necessity that you need more, but sometimes, more is not better. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 15:32:41 -0700

(@J_S_C - I commented on an earlier draft, and so hope that someone else gives you their perspective - but I like the progress you have made!)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:10:01 -0700

OK - as a lesbian I get this concept immediately. From the second sentence I know I'm going to be on Mystery's side, and suspicious of Heather's every motive. By the end of the second paragraph I also know that Mystery has been passively accepting all of Heather's outrageous behavior and is in serious danger of just going with the flow once more. Good character development. Second paragraph read clunky to me - I had to sort it out to understand where you were going. I've taken the liberty of rephrasing it so that I would have understood immediately: Heather is not satisfied with the adulterous affair she and Mystery are having and plans to divorce her husband. Mystery, although she has loved Heather forever, isn't sure she wants to move to the next level: an exclusive relationship. In the third paragraph I wasn't certain if Mystery was remembering Heather cheating on her, or was reflecting on their own affair in regards to Heather's marriage. Nice hook into the story - now I want to know if Heather is cheating on Mystery or not. In the last sentence of this paragraph I suggest changing the word 'remembers' with 'recalls', so it reads: She also recalls the [adverb needed] support... You had just used the word remembers in the sentence before - picky, but you want it to be good. I also suggest you leave out the reference to her mother. It's enough that her father abandoned her, and you haven't mentioned the mother before. Your last sentence summarizes your story nicely but the phrase 'confronted with all of the emotional baggage that she carries' sounded so much like Jerry Springer I heard his voice saying it. Playing around I constructed this sentence for you: While unpacking her emotional baggage in preparation for the big move, Mystery must finally sort through the memories of her past in order to break the cycle of her life and build a future of her own. It may seem too playful for the mood you're attempting, I don't know. Just suggestions, keep in mind. You have set up the two main characters and their conflict, and have tied internal and external motivation to the main conflict and what could be lost. The rest is just tweaking. Good job!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 11:22:38 -0700

Thank you for your critique. As neither a lesbian, or a woman, I am trying something new in this work. I think it is going well. I will work on it more and post an update. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 11:18:29 -0700

On the whole, I like version A more than version B. If I were to pick sections, I would have to say that: As both young men struggle with their sexual identities, tensions escalate on campus and in cyberspace. Teachers are constrained from helping and the school board is actively hostile to the Spectrum Club, a gay/straight alliance Ruby and Josh wish to start. With silence as good as encouragement, the bullying grows out of control and people get hurt. Perhaps it is inevitable that Brent and Josh confront their worst fears together, but who wields the knife and who gets the point? Is the best paragraph of the two, which is in sample B. I would suggest that you find a way to put this paragraph into version A and I would think that you will be golden. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:09:20 -0700

The first one seems better, but a couple of things if you're going to use that one: the first question seems odd, and later becomes kind of pointless since you address it in the last paragraph. The last paragraph seems a little preachy and I would honestly just take it out and save it for author interviews/some kind of preface. I like the second-to-last paragraph, and though I like J_S_C's combination idea, I think that your version is more clear in that aspect.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Imperatrix Xoco — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:03:48 -0700

Before I get to my main point, I want to say that I strongly discourage the rhetorical question at the beginning of Pitch A. You'll find most agents will become instantly turned off to your pitch, because that it is a gimmick they have seen dozens of times before, and it usually leads nowhere good. Regarding both pitches, I'm noticing that you're trying to stuff in way too much unnecessary information. This is a first impression, not a tell-all. Like all good introductions, it should be brief, interesting, and to the point. You have very little room to capture an agent's attentions, and you cannot waste a word of it. I'd encourage you to check out Nathan Bransford's advice on pitch writing, which he extrapolates upon

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Imperatrix Xoco — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:15:33 -0700

The first paragraph is clunky. I didn't quite catch that The Wires was a band; I thought it was some kind of music television show. I'd encourage that you rewrite it. Even something as simple as: "After her dramatic departure from the music scene [number] years ago, rock legend Lilli Morgan is back with a new band, ready to reform her life and career." would significantly and nicely pare down those first couple of sentences. Then bring up the surprise reunion with her old band and flame, the guitarist Adam. With your cover blurb, brevity is key. I think those questions are adorable and goofy and establish a great tone, but the last two are just a bit too out of place for my taste, given that I've no idea who Sarah, Ken, or Liz are. Or why, for that matter, blue cheese is being sought. With a little cleaning up, this could be a great blurb. :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:51:02 -0700

Thank you for posting your back cover copy. It takes a brave soul to post these things. I have come to consider the blurb like the query for your book to the potential reader, and I think it should be approached as such. I want to start with the questions at the end. Cut them, every one of them. I do not know enough about the characters in any of the questions to care the answer to any of them. Now for the first two paragraphs: Why does she quit? We do not have to get the whole story, but dramatically quits is telling me, it does not show me anything. What does dramatically quit mean anyhow? The second sentence again is telling me. I need some concrete details. Now that I read it, this whole first paragraph is background. Cut it. It will be explained in the book if I decide to read it. Now the second paragraph is where the story begins. This is where your blurb needs to begin. The problem is that you give me more than the main character. The main character is Lilli. Start with her and forming the band. From there, write the blurb. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Imperatrix Xoco — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:04:49 -0700

...here. Thank you, NaNo, for devouring the end of my thought.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:40:48 -0700

my connection dropped and ate my post last night, but Imperatrix Xoco covered every thing i was going to say, except that "send shock waves through the music world" is a little melodramatic. the world of celebrities having "incestuous" relationship among themselves is old news - from "Bradgelina" to Fleetwood Mac to Elizabeth Taylor/ Richard Burton and well before them. your relationship would need to be something pretty out there to cause "shock waves" and that is not hinted at in your context.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:10:53 -0700

Thank you for your comments, I'll have aplay around with it... :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:08:22 -0700

I just added this to it, so it's clear The Wires are a band. After she dramatically quits as vocalist of The Wires on live television at the height of their fame, Lilli Morgan disappears from the music scene. Behind her she leaves the truths and rumours of her departure. Despite all this The Wires guitarist Adam still harbours his long held feelings for Lilli. Oh by the way the little questions were meant to be fun, and no you don't know who the characters are but that's of point of reading the book so you find out :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:50:47 -0700

can you just drop "in quiet inconsequence."? * Mortimer Scott has spent the last twenty years of his life as a devout member of the Church of Lopt, praying, fumbling through social interactions, and dreaming of the day that his life would change." I think you also need to identify a name to separate the "gods of the Church of Lopt" from the "true gods"; cause this "The gods are a lie. They are nothing more than thieves, impostors who have seized the thrones of the heavens from the true gods." is not clear. Something like "The Loptians are a lie."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 22:02:17 -0700

Mortimer Scott has spent the last twenty years of his life in quiet inconsequence. A devout member of the Church of Lopt, Mortimer spends his days praying, fumbling through social interactions, and dreaming of the day that his life would change. This is background. Everything here will be answered if I read the book. You have to make me want to read it. Talbot, a wanted heretic of the Church, wrenches Mortimer from worship and ritual and into a storm of wild accusations: The gods are a lie. They are nothing more than thieves, impostors who have seized the thrones of the heavens from the true gods. This is where your blurb should begin. It is a decent paragraph but can be made more clear and tight. If the MC is Mortimer, then the sentence needs to be reorganized. "Mortimer is wrenched from worship and ritual by the heretic Talbot." Now show me why and the potential consequences of this. Mortimer, Talbot claims, is one of those gods. If put in the correct place this has the potential to be a good line. Forced onto the losing side of a battle between the Church and Talbot’s heretics, Mortimer has to choose between his faith and the crown he isn’t even sure is his. I'm not even sure what this means. You say that he is on the losing side. Usually the losers in a revolution (and that is what you are describing) have their heads chopped off or are burned at the stake. Fix and start with the story. You can do it. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:15:29 -0700

Sorry my last post was direct at Imperatrix Xoco :) lasalle202, what? What's hinted at in context of the blurb? And where did you get about incest from in the blurb?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:01:13 -0700

"incestuous" was in quotes - your blurb seemed to indicate that it was some how "shocking" that artists that worked together were in a relationship. its not. Pitt and Jolie got together while he was married to someone else and they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The members of Fleetwood Mac had various relations with each other and the whole album Rumors is songs about the various relationships and infidelities. Taylor and Burton were married and divorced twice while working on films together. thats five decades of celebs sleeping with their co stars - its not shocking any more.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:09:26 -0700

The thing about the questions is that you didn't even mention any of those characters earlier in the blurb for the parts that really mattered. The only thing I know about Ken and Liz is that they want blue cheese, and I honestly don't give a crap about if they will ever find some. Why on earth would I want to spend fifteen bucks to read about that, when I was not even made aware those characters were in the band. I understand that they are supposed to be goofy. Obviously, you're not trying to write some Pulitzer Prize winning novel about rape and deception and whatnot, but still. Either cut those last two questions out, or merely establish the characters and their quest for blue cheese earlier in the blurb.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:09:19 -0700

Sorry, I forgot concerns. Concerns: first the title. The one I like most is The Absent. To The Limit just sort of came to me when I was writing the blurb and I though it sounded neat. Some titles are taken from a line in the book so that's why I added The Fourteenth Edition, though that one to me sounds like it's the fourteenth book in the series. Even though I plan on this being a series it's the first book. I'm worried that the blurb sounds too much like the Maximum Ride books for one and I wasn't sure if I should name the characters in the blurb. Mainly because there's more than one plot line with characters that (I think) are all equally important.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 22:05:05 -0700

For your blurb, start with the main character. Name the main character, please, please, please. Tell me what the main character wants, and how that character will try to get it or what they will lose if they don't. The problem with your blurb at the moment is that it does not tell me anything. Right now, I would not worry about the title. Fix the blurb. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:26:41 -0700

It was just meant to be funny little things... it's not even part of the plotline about the cheese, more a passing comment... I just thought it would make people laugh.I can't bring every character who's in the book into the blurb. :(

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:32:38 -0700

Thank you for your comments. I put the background in because you need to atleast know she was in a band before and is now coming back to the music scene with her own band, before you start to read the story, just so you know where the story is starting from. She dramatically quits on live TV that why it's dramatic. You find out why in the first chapter. OK, so I'd be left with the second paragraph for blurb. There isn't anything else I can put in the blurb that wouldn't give my entire plot away. :/

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:24:13 -0700

lasalle202 - I never said celebs sleeping with their co stars/co musicians etc was shocking... I think my blurb clearly says that Adam feels something for Lilli, but we don't know if she feels the same and we don't know whom she may or maynot start an affair with... it could be anyone, of either sex? That's why you would read the book to find out, which you yourself could do, here: http://www.mediafire.com/?nay68nxbyr773y2 or just take a look here (keep meaning to post the website link more): http://www.LilliAndTheMunsters.piczo.com

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:18:49 -0700

What you did write was: [quote]Will Lilli start a love affair that will send shock waves through the music world?[/quote] I was looking in the blurb for something that might quality as "sending shock waves". and while "blurb clearly says that Adam feels something for Lilli, but we don't know if she feels the same and we don't know whom she may or maynot start an affair with... it could be anyone, of either sex?" there is nothing in any of that which would qualify as creating "shock waves" in the music world. Creating fodder for gossip tabloids? Well sure. But anything can do that: DUIs, first pictures of a baby, she punched a photographer, he was arrested for sex in the rest room. But "shock waves" - thats going to take something more. You would need to get to the level of something like this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._Kelly#Legal_issues to create "shock waves" any more.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:55:07 -0700

I do not need background. I need story. I do not need a whole paragraph to tell me that she was in a band that she left. I will get that if I read the book. The story starts when the main character does something. If there is something that is vitally important (and not much is ever vitally important) you have to weave it into the story. Start with the main character. Give me her name and what she does. What can she lose if she does not achieve her goal. You do not need background to show me consequences. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:59:56 -0700

I'm not sure what to write for the blurb without that background info, because it's an important part of the story. I mean the basic story is that Lilli is returning to the music scene with her band and she starts a love affair with someone, and it's about all of that.... ? Any help would be appreciated :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:57:47 -0700

[quote=Mother Goose] Complete and total rewrite of back page blurb/pitch: Josh was harassed relentlessly for years in his old school near Stillwater, Minnesota before finally persuading his parents to sacrifice everything and move 50 miles away to Crystal Clear High, a better school. Now living in an upscale suburban neighborhood, Josh has high hopes he’ll get a fresh start and fit right in. This is where your blurb should start. The rest is background. You get about 300 words to make me want to read it. Don't waste it on background. I want story. "Josh has high hopes that he'll get a fresh start and fit right in at Crystal Clear High." Now go from here and sell me your book. ~~But on the first day of school Josh finds his worst enemy has also transferred, and is now living with his, if possible, even more abusive cousin.~~ This sentence is too long. Short declarative sentences. Also, does he find the bully? I think that it would be better if Josh sees the bully. There is a difference between the two. One is showing me, the other telling. Josh befriends~~Befriended by~~ Ruby, ~~a straight girl who doesn’t care that he’s gay,~~and ~~the two fight against ruthless bullying on both the school grounds, and in cyber space.~~ You are telling me. Give me examples of how they fight against the bullying. ~~The adults either don’t take them seriously or are too busy with other things to see what’s really going on, and are just as likely to blame the victims,~~ Again you are telling me. Show me. I really do want to know. until the killing starts. This could be the make it or break it part of the blurb. There are a lot of stories out there that deal with this subject matter. Absolutely alone in a world of unchecked teenage cruelty ~~unchecked,~~ ~~Josh and Ruby must grapple with feelings of uncontrollable depression and the temptations of suicide and murder.~~Telling. They start a gay/straight student alliance club and discover friends in surprising places, This is good until you use the words, "discover friends in surprising places." What does that mean? Are they in jack-in-the-boxes? That would surprise me. This also needs to be earlier in the blurb once you take out that surprising bit. but ~~as the rest of the school calms down~~ Why? one bully intensifies I assume that this is the unnamed worst enemy his attacks, ~~targeting the most vulnerable.~~ ~~Lives are in the balance and someone will die unless Josh can summon the personal courage to face his deepest fears.~~ Deepest fears. You know mine are heights and being in a vegetative state. When you say deepest fears, it means nothing. What are Josh's deepest fears? That's So Gay is a tale of contemporary bullying and consequences, differences and similarities, hope and despair. It will warm your heart while chilling your soul, and readers should be warned: some of the bullying depicted in That’s So Gay can upset and trigger flashbacks in the tenderhearted. If your emotional response becomes too intense, put the book down and walk away. Unless, of course, you’re afraid someone will say, “That’s So Gay.” All telling. I will see this if I decide to read the book. Make your blurb want to make me read the book. [/quote] There is good stuff here. Don't just look at the strikes and think that there isn't. I can tell that you like to rework your writing. Keep at it. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:05:44 -0700

How does this one strike you? Josh has high hopes he’ll get a fresh start and fit right in at Crystal Clear High, but on the first day of school his dreams are not just crushed, they’re beaten. On the way to his first class the nightmare he thought he left behind starts up again when he is jumped in the hallway. Josh is suddenly face to face with his worst enemy, Julian, who has also transferred to Crystal Clear High and now has the bullying reinforcement of his desperately in-the-closet cousin, Brent. Absolutely alone in a world of unchecked teenage cruelty, Josh and Ruby, his 'girlfriend', find a hideout in an unused stairwell of the old school. For months they ignore, and then answer in kind, the bullying that occurs daily at school and in cyberspace, but things go beyond their control when Josh is sent to a pray-away-the-gay boot camp by his parents. When he returns the killing begins. Sure there must be others like them hiding and just as afraid, Josh and Ruby form a gay/straight student alliance club which brings together a strange collection of students, each with their own story of bullying. As more students come ‘out’ an enraged Brent, afraid to face his own sexuality, explodes violently, this time against Ruby. Josh must somehow overcome the terrifying fear of his own orientation to stop the cycle of bullying and death and save his friend from becoming another statistic in a suicide contagion zone. btw, out of curiousity, you are a professor of which subject, and in what part of the country? I'm wondering if I know you...

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:28:18 -0700

This version is better than the first, but it could be made better still I think. Suggestion: In fact their captors don't expect or even want them to survive. Maybe it's just me but I feel that would make it slightly more clear than the version you have there. "waiting for a chance to enter it" seems a bit strange. I suggest you explain just a bit more what it is they're entering and what's being done to the MC.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:08:28 -0700

I have to agree with you - I'm not getting nearly enough information. Here's a short model that's helping me shape mine: First paragraph: introduce your character and the setting. Second paragraph: set the mood and the conflict. Third paragraph: steer toward the resolution and keep the reader wanting more. Use these paragraphs to answer or ask the vital questions: Who, what, where, how and why? I don't really understand the 'powers' you mention and how they will help Corey and his friends survive.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:56:26 -0700

But you wouldn't know then until you read the book, if I misused the words 'shock waves' or not? I don't know what to write in the blurb to make the use of 'shock waves' plausible in your opinion :/

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:59:16 -0700

[quote=MyEvilTwin] Title: Bread For Revolutions Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy Blurb: No one on Isla de Pastel Inclinado would have thought that you could topple a fascist dictator by simply baking the wrong bread. Not even Leonardo Young, the new apprentice baker, thought his baking would lead to that. He just found a secret compartment in the bakery containing illegal recipes and ingredients and his curiosity got the better of him. The small island is ruled by Mason Jebediah Wallace, a fascist genocidal war criminal, who was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while he’s still alive and well on this island. Supporting him is the brutal Security Police Force, keeping the population in line, with the psychotic Langston twins in charge. Equipped with several lethal cybernetic implants the twins have already killed Leonardo’s boyfriend. After baking the wrong bread, Leonardo is next on their hit list and forced to join the resistance just to stay alive. Once in the resistance he finds he’s still at risk as there appears to be a traitor there working for Wallace. Concerns: I wanted to somehow mention that Leonardo has been hiding in a small, secret room, for eight years, since he was 10 but couldn't seem to get it in there. And I think the blurb is long as it is already. [/quote] The line "who was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while he's still alive and well on this island" confused me a little, maybe something like: "who was thought to have died in a bunker in 1944 is, in fact, alive and well on this island." I'm also confused on what you mean by "equipped with several lethal cybernetic implants" Maybe it's just me, but when I think of "cybernetic implants" I think of mind control, so does that mean that the Langston twins just control someone for a while before it kills them? Was Leonardo in hiding or a prisoner? Maybe something like this could work if he was a prisoner:"Not even Leonardo Young, former prisoner turned apprentice baker, ..."

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:47:22 -0700

if your point is to create a "teaser" by having the reader wonder "what kind of affair could be something that could shock the music world?" which in turn leads them to buy your book - well, you better damn well then have an affair that would send shock waves through the music industry or you will have alienated all of those readers who wont come back again. for others, like me, we will toss the book before even consider buying it because of the overblown hyperbole in the blurb or already knowing the scale of things dont send shockwaves through the music industry have no desire at all to get anywhere near the kind of filth that would. If you are a romantic comedy, you are going in the wrong direction.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:15:14 -0700

[quote=Mother Goose] Josh has high hopes he’ll get a fresh start ~~and fit right in~~ at Crystal Clear High. ~~but~~ On the first day of school ~~his dreams~~ those hopes are ~~not just~~ crushed. ~~they’re beaten.~~ ~~On the way to his first class~~ The ~~nightmare~~ (Use a different word here. I am thinking harassment) he thought he left behind starts up again when he is jumped as in assaulted? in the hallway. Josh is ~~suddenly~~ face to face with his worst enemy, Julian, who ~~has~~ also transferred to Crystal Clear High. ~~and~~ Only now Julian has the bullying reinforcement of his desperately in-the-closet cousin, Brent. ~~Absolutely alone~~ (can two people be absolutely alone? It is nit-pickey, I know, but it isn't good writing) In a world of unchecked teenage cruelty, Josh and Ruby, his ~~'girlfriend'~~ explain this, find a hideout in an unused stairwell of the ~~old school.~~When you say old school, I think of the school from which your main character transferred. If you mean the current school, just give me the name. ~~For months they ignore, and then answer in kind, the bullying that occurs daily at school and in cyberspace, but~~ Telling ~~things go beyond their control when~~What does this mean? Josh is sent to a pray-away-the-gay boot camp by his parents. When he returns the killing begins.killings or suicide? ~~Sure there must be others like them hiding and just as afraid,~~ Josh and Ruby form a gay/straight student alliance club which brings together a strange collection of students, each with their own story of bullying. ~~As more students come ‘out’ an enraged Brent,~~ ~~afraid to face his own sexuality,~~ ~~explodes violently, this time against Ruby.~~Telling ~~Josh must somehow overcome the terrifying fear of his own orientation to stop the cycle of bullying and death and save his friend from becoming another statistic in a suicide contagion zone.~~As it is written this mean nothing to me. Give me something more concrete. btw, out of curiousity, you are a professor of which subject, and in what part of the country? I'm wondering if I know you... [/quote] Wow what a change this is from your first version. It is not there yet, but damn it is close. Good job!!! To answer your questions, I am a professor of anatomy, physiology, and pathology at a small college in Michigan. --JSC

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:21:55 -0700

Romantic comedy drama really. Since I put the plot on the other topic , I may as well give the plot away on here as well. It's her brother, Lilli's affair is with her brother, and it's a plot twist, so I can't very well put it in the blurb.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:19:44 -0700

OK - I think this is the best version yet. Don't be too snarky, this is a lot harder than it seems at the beginning. The title of the book has changed to The Point For years people have told Josh he’s gay but he doesn’t agree. He believes he’ll get a fresh start at Crystal Clear High. On his first day of school all expectations are crushed. The harassment he thought he left behind begins again when he is jumped in the hallway. Josh is face to face with his worst enemy, Julian, who also transferred to Crystal Clear High. Only now Julian has the bullying reinforcement of his desperately in-the-closet cousin, Brent. Self mutilation, suicide, and murder start in a world of unchecked teenage cruelty. Josh meekly submits to physical abuse he can’t avoid and cuts to ease the pressure of self loathing. His girlfriend Ruby finds an unused stairwell where he can ditch classes to hide. But when devastating evidence of Josh’s bullying threatens to become a scandal his father follows bad advice from a pastor. Josh is sent to a pray-away-the-gay boot camp where he finally meets other boys like him. Upon his return to Crystal Clear Josh finds Ruby, his sole protector, targeted by cyber bullies. Her pain sharpens his resolve to change things. When Ruby refuses to kowtow and ridicules Julian, the bully shoots and an innocent dies. With his cousin in jail and his popularity waning, Brent escalates the bullying. Josh realizes it will only end when Brent is forced to confront his greatest fear: his homosexuality. Before he can make that happen, though, Josh must solve the still unanswered problem of his own orientation. Knowing the truth could kill him. The Point will surprise some, upset most, and hopefully spur action. Kids are dying everywhere from rampant bullying. Get The Point and pass it on.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:40:18 -0700

Maybe Military or Science fiction. I'm not the best at titles though.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:03:00 -0700

worry about whether you have "the right" title AFTER you actually have completed a couple of drafts of the novel that will be attached to it. There is rarely any title that could not be appropriate for any genre. (well it might be pretty difficult to come up with a story where the title "The Best Science Fiction Detective Story Ever" would be appropriate for a western, but otherwise)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MyEvilTwin — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:35:03 -0700

[quote=bookmonster] [quote=MyEvilTwin] Title: Bread For Revolutions Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy Blurb: No one on Isla de Pastel Inclinado would have thought that you could topple a fascist dictator by simply baking the wrong bread. Not even Leonardo Young, the new apprentice baker, thought his baking would lead to that. He just found a secret compartment in the bakery containing illegal recipes and ingredients and his curiosity got the better of him. The small island is ruled by Mason Jebediah Wallace, a fascist genocidal war criminal, who was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while he’s still alive and well on this island. Supporting him is the brutal Security Police Force, keeping the population in line, with the psychotic Langston twins in charge. Equipped with several lethal cybernetic implants the twins have already killed Leonardo’s boyfriend. After baking the wrong bread, Leonardo is next on their hit list and forced to join the resistance just to stay alive. Once in the resistance he finds he’s still at risk as there appears to be a traitor there working for Wallace. Concerns: I wanted to somehow mention that Leonardo has been hiding in a small, secret room, for eight years, since he was 10 but couldn't seem to get it in there. And I think the blurb is long as it is already. [/quote] The line "who was found dead in a bunker in 1944 while he's still alive and well on this island" confused me a little, maybe something like: "who was thought to have died in a bunker in 1944 is, in fact, alive and well on this island." I'm also confused on what you mean by "equipped with several lethal cybernetic implants" Maybe it's just me, but when I think of "cybernetic implants" I think of mind control, so does that mean that the Langston twins just control someone for a while before it kills them? Was Leonardo in hiding or a prisoner? Maybe something like this could work if he was a prisoner:"Not even Leonardo Young, former prisoner turned apprentice baker, ..." [/quote] Thank you for the first suggestion. As far as cybernetic implants goes, I didn't think that would imply mind control. I wasn't aware of any other meaning of cybernetics than in the concept of cybernetic organisms, or cyborgs for short, which in science fiction is the combination of technology and living being. Maybe I should refer to them as cyborgs to make that clearer. In the first – current – draft of the novel they don't even have any implants, it's an idea I've had recently and am thinking of doing in the rewrite so make the novel more clearly SciFi. I was thinking that they each would have their respective left arm replaced by a robotic (or bionic?) prothethesis that would be like a hand but also able to unfold to be long claws among other things. But also that some more things would be added later in the story to repair injuries to the flesh part of them. The baker helps hide the MC to protect him after his parents dies. But as the baker doesn't think it's safe to let him out of the apartment and he spends most of his time in the small, secret space it more or less becomes a prison anyway.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:48:40 -0700

OH - so that explans your reaction when I flippantly used "incestuous" - and yes, that is something would send shock waves!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:41:16 -0700

ooooooooohhhhhhh Snap!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:26:41 -0700

Yeah that's what I'd been saying all along.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

lasalle202 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:25:34 -0700

the story sounds like a good read! [quote=SpaceMarine] Title: Absolution Genre: Space Western/post apocalyptic. In the darkest days of our future Six soldiers will undertake a daring mission Survival is not a possibility, but failure is unacceptable Welcome to oblivion... [/quote] so far so good! although the "Welcome to oblivion..." needs to be justified by what comes later, and I dont see it. [quote] After most of humanity was exterminated in the robot wars, a few million survivors fled the machine-choked ruins of Earth to the nearest habitable star system. After a ninety-year voyage, they settle down on a harsh desert world and did their best to survive against both the elements and the toughened monsters that called it their home. By day they build up their defenses and grow food, and by night they find Earth in the sky and wonder what it must've been like to live there [/quote] Waaaayyy too much backstory. How much (if any) is relevent to your plot? I think you can boil it down to something like: *The last humans refugees fleeing from earth have staked their claim on PLANET and begun to make their home in a hostile frontier. [quote] When an army of bandits sweeps out of the desert and nearly destroys the city of Varium, aging Sergeant Grant finds himself thrust into the spotlight as a hero. He is asked to lead his squad and an elite agent on a mission to track down the leader of the bandit chieftain and slay him. [/quote] this is pretty good, but I am confused about the "and an elite agent" line. Why would Grant and his motely crew be chosen when there exists some for of "elite agency"? and "bandits" generally don't have an "army" [quote] As the group journeys through scorched plains and craggy mountains in search of their quarry however, they are beset on all sides by enemies and misfortune. [/quote] Strike the "however" and the "on all sides" [quote] At the same time the ghosts of their past come back to haunt them. [/quote] how is this any different than the "enemies and misfortune"s of the previous sentence? [quote] Grant must keep his squad together while dealing with standoffs and dead sisters, and worse: if they ever reach the bandit chieftan they will have to face his army numbering in the thousands. [/quote] They knew it was "an army" worth when they set out. How did the have any belief that 6 would be able to do anything meaningful?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Lisa.Vail — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 05:00:13 -0700

The novel's totally complete, no worries there :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:15:44 -0700

thanks, will post next version when done

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:48:08 -0700

Title: Absolution Genre: Space Western/post-apocalyptic. In the darkest days of our future Six soldiers will undertake a daring mission Survival is not a possibility, but failure is unacceptable Welcome to oblivion... After most of humanity was exterminated in the robot wars, a few million survivors fled the machine-choked ruins of Earth and hidden on a desolate world. By day they build up their defenses and grow food, and by night they find Earth in the sky and wonder what it must've been like to live there. When an army of Serrick raiders sweeps out of the desert and nearly destroys the city of Varium, aging Sergeant Grant finds himself thrust into the spotlight as a hero. He and his squad are sent to accompany Varium’s last elite agent on a mission to hunt down the Serrick warlord in the hopes that his death will cause the army to collapse. As the group journeys through scorched plains and craggy mountains in search of their quarry they are beset by monsters and ghosts long-dormant. Grant must keep his squad together through standoffs and nightmares, and find a way to confront the Serrick separate from his army of thousands. In the depths of this dark oblivion, there’s no second chances, and no way anyone will find their bodies if they are defeated.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bravrayj — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:02:23 -0700

Here's my review, my comments in bold. [quote=SpaceMarine] Title: Absolution [I really love this title] Genre: Space Western/post-apocalyptic In the darkest days of our future Six soldiers will undertake a daring mission Survival is not a possibility, but failure is unacceptable Welcome to oblivion... After most of humanity was exterminated in the robot wars, a few million survivors fled the machine-choked ruins of Earth and ~~hidden~~ settled on a desolate world. By day they build up their defenses and grow food, and by night they find Earth in the sky and wonder what it must've been like to live there. When an army of Serrick raiders [are these the natives on this planet?] sweeps out of the desert and nearly destroys the city of Varium, aging Sergeant Grant finds himself thrust into the spotlight as a hero. He and his squad are sent to accompany Varium’s last elite agent on a mission to hunt down the Serrick warlord in the hopes that his death will cause the army to collapse. As the group journeys through scorched plains and craggy mountains in search of their quarry, they are beset by monsters and ghosts long-dormant [do ghosts actually live on this planet, or is this metaphorical, as in the memories that haunt our characters?]. Grant must keep his squad together through standoffs and nightmares, and find a way to confront the Serrick separate from his army of thousands. In the depths of this dark oblivion, there’s no second chances, and no way anyone will find their bodies if they are defeated.[/quote] Overall, I think it's a good blurb, and I would be tempted to at least pick it up, even though this type of story isn't the type that I would read normally.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 07:13:34 -0700

thanks :) as to the ghosts, its both metaphorical and literal.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

C.Angelina — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:49:59 -0700

I'd read this. I'm not crazy about the title, as I'm not exactly sure what a Pariah is. It's not a common word, and that might hurt your readership. The blurb was good, but I think that the second paragraph was too long. The line beginning with "She refuses" needs some reworking, or maybe to be cut altogether. Maybe it would be better if you hint at why she refuses. I'm also not entirely convinced that the world must be saved at this point, as there doesn't seem to be anything hinting at some broader sinister plot. Anyway, good luck

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:14:11 -0700

I would just like to state, for the record, that 'pariah' is a wonderful word which tells the reader immediately that the character referred to is a shunned outcast. About your concerns - Redo your blurb by taking out as many words as you can without changing the meaning of your sentences - pare down anything that isn't absolutely necessary (such as the term: staying out of sight otherwise - You don't tell us why they are staying out of sight, just leave us to figure it's from the other Sparks who seem to be endangering people somehow...) and then check your flow. Sometimes too many words can clutter up the path you want your readers' minds to follow. Your second paragraph is a single sentence. Either join it with the first somehow, or expand upon Jovita (I would) and tell us more about her character. Good luck!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bravrayj — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:05:27 -0700

i fixed the blub a bit based on the suggestions. Sixteen year old Dylan Maddox and his mentor, Robert Tyson, are Children of the Spark, a small amount of people with superpowers. The two have been traveling across the US for several years, using their powers to save people from other Sparks. Jovita Salazar, on the other hand, is a 16 year old student from Tampa. Her bad home life, which led to her low self esteem and shyness, has also resulted in that believes that the world is suffering because of her. She spends her days alone, trying not to be a burden to others.   Their worlds collide when a monster attacks Jovita during a field trip to the local Art Museum, and she finds out that she is a Spark, just like Tyson and Dylan. As they travel in their quest, deadly events and crippling revelations transpire, slowly sending her and Dylan towards their breaking point, and wondering if they can finish the battle.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:49:06 -0700

Snap?

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:16:59 -0700

A pariah is basically just another word for outcast

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

SpaceMarine — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:53:25 -0700

where I come from its slang refferring to an abrupt twist that nobody saw coming.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:49:26 -0700

I'm going to try something here: PERSISTENCE OF VISION Mica never wanted to be a hero, but in a world at war she had no choice. And now the Crazies have served their purpose; their sacrifice brought hope back to the world. But where do heroes go after the world no longer needs them? Dragons are terrifyingly fierce and on the ground humans don't stand a chance; but in the air Mica is the best of the best. (NOTE: how does she get in the air? If it's by dragon, then you need to explain how (in a word) because at the beginning of the sentence you state emphatically that they are terrifying and fierce.) But even the leader of the Crazies can't be everywhere at once. Eagle has nothing left; no memory or friends or even a goal, except to keep heading east and stay free but she stumbles onto a military base and is mistaken for a traitor. She is condemned to death but in the battle for her life she inadvertently sends the Crazies on their last heroic mission. But this time the heroes are the ones in need of rescue. ------------------- I just rearranged the order of your sentences so it made more sense to me - but if I have it completely wrong you need to know that too. Good luck!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 09:32:06 -0700

THE ABSENT You've squeezed your whole book into two sentences, which is great for a synopsis but doesn't give the reader enough to go on. Consider something like this: Corey and his friends are just normal kids until they're kidnapped. Their captors have tried with others before them, but this time their experiment succeeds and the kids now have powers beyond belief. But that wasn't supposed to happen, and their captors neither expected, or want, them to survive. Fighting for their lives, Corey must lead his powerful friends through lies, betrayal, and death to outwit those for whom the experiment was perfected. Those others now eagerly wait to become the only ones with super enhancements, once they are out of the way. Corey must find a way to ????? You'll have to tell us what Corey and the super kids are saving (the world, their country, something bigger than themselves) and what the real danger is of the 'others' having the super powers. What are we (or they) going to lose if the wrong people get the super powers. Interesting idea here. Good luck!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

adora1983 — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 10:14:57 -0700

Oh I'll take that as a good thing :)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

bookmonster — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:30:02 -0700

Thanks a ton. I read your other comment where you outlines how you do yours and I'd started writing the next one but lost it during exam week.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Mother Goose — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:27:42 -0700

I think the quote that starts the second one is a stronger hook - but I also think it's way too wordy. We don't need to know about the telekinesis at this point. We want to know what the kids heard (in 1, at most 2 sentences) that scared them so badly. Then in your second paragraph you can go on with: Corey and the others in the Fourteenth Edition are kidnapped and experimented on; given powers beyond belief. Their new powers could change their lives forever, but to keep those lives they'll have to escape their captors, something none of the earlier thirteen editions could do. You're getting there! Rewrite it once every day for a week, totally different versions each day. Then look them all over next Sunday and see what you've got.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

FireAngel14 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:30:26 -0700

It was really good, but it started to confuse me around the "Visit to the 18th century when her watch was stolen". I read very quickly, especially when picking up books and reading the backs, and I missed this completely the first read through. Can it be a bit more obvious that they met? Like "Until a visit to the 18th century when a terrible pickpocket stole her watch". Once I figured out what that sentence meant it made a lot more sense. Also, if it's so terrible that he comes home empty handed, why does he have the freedom/time to run around time travelling? It probably makes sense in your plot, but just from the blurb it seems a bit odd. I love the ending line! Just would it be, now is, or now are? I would read this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Badly Drawn Girl — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:23:01 -0600

I don't have any useful critique to offer, just to say that I really like the sound of this.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

jordan.williams42 — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 04:37:57 -0600

I don't think you need to put the 'humour' bit there, the plot doesn't exactly seem funny, but I can imagine that funny things will happen in the story. This does not make it humour in my opinion, might just be me though. I don't know why you put 'the one' in there, the sentance flows much better if you put: 'Zeiss was born and raised in the town that had sprouted up in the shadow of the castle of the Good King'. As you can see, I also wouldn't put sprouted on its own, I probably wouldn't even use that word really. So, if you take out the word 'humour' the blurb doesn't come across as too dramatic, but if you don't you need to do something to prove that the story deserves that label. The plot seems interesting and hopefully it won't end up too complicated. Would interest me though. There are a few words that I would add and some I would get rid of. For example 'Soon she finds herself wrapped up in an adventure with' and 'she thinks she wants nothing out of like but shelter and food.' The last sentence seems a bit strange to me, I'd probably put something like 'Each has their own reason for joining the hunt for the other pages and the treasure; each also has their own secrets, some of which may prove very dangerous for all concerned.' Hope that helps

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

MuseyMuse — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:30:39 -0700

Thank you! I'm not very good at these blurbs so your comments mean a lot to me. It's meant to imply that he's not a time traveller, until he meets her and steals her watch, then his whole life gets swept away by the sheer awesomeness of time travelling :D (Yeah, there is more to it than that, but if I had a choice between trouble and time travel... >.>) I'll try and re-word it to make more sense (and fix the is/are, can't believe I missed that) and hopefully make it better. Thank you very much!

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

9393usak — Sat, 05 May 2012 04:12:44 -0600

Sorry no one ever replied to this. May be a little late, but I'm willing to take a shot at it if you still want feedback haha. :D Your blurb doesn't sound "weird" to me as much as it sounds undefined. Your blurb seems to head-hop a lot, switching from one character to another before I can even get a chance to understand the first one. So I guess my question for you would be, is this how the actual book is going to read? I'm fine with having books about groups of people- after all, that's the way my own book is- but unless you're a really, really good writer, head-hopping is an extremely challenging POV to write. Heck, even if you are a really good writer, head-hopping can get irritating, because just when things get interesting with one character, you're suddenly having to deal with another character. So, my advice is to choose one or maybe two characters to focus on, both for your blurb and for your story. In your blurb, give us one character that we can really care about, and tell us why we should care. Give us some sort of hook, the reason why you decided you had to write this book in the first place, fill in the middle with your character and why we should care about his/her story, and then throw a curve ball at us in the end, something that makes us question everything we've learned and makes us think your character might not win at all, even though what he's doing really matters. As for the title, it's okay but not perfect. Not really knowing a whole lot about your story, I'm inclined to say it doesn't really match, but I couldn't say for sure. :) Hope my really long rant helped. ;)

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

goblingirl — Mon, 14 May 2012 12:07:39 -0600

Well, it sounds kind of cheesy, but sometimes a little cheese is good for you! As long as you don't cross over into narm you should be fine. Main quibble is the second sentence-- "She's lived all her life" sounds better. The word order just sounds awkward.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Tuffysgirl — Mon, 14 May 2012 13:33:33 -0600

Okay, that helps. Thanks so much!! ^_^

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

LadyStarlea — Sat, 19 May 2012 23:30:39 -0600

not too sure what a one sheet is. But as it has been 2 days already and you said you had the meeting tomorrow I hope everything went well for you at your agents. I like the title, seems very fitting when you think about the threads that connect everyone together and the threads used in making dresses. the blurb is nice. though one problem I can see. the last line of the first paragraph reads off to me. "She can only be present in Anadaria while wearing the enchanted gown that she designed and constructed; each evening, Taylor is transported back to her own apartment." I am thinking it would be better to end the sentence at "constructed" and begins new sentence at "each evening" is it is now the "each evening" seems to go ether way which is a bit confusing.

Re: Back Cover Copy and Title Critiques

Nessabutterfly — Sun, 20 May 2012 02:34:28 -0600

Thanks-- I actually realized that after I was at the conference and staring at the sheet. It was overlooked in a critique session though, so at least it's not glaring. A One Sheet is a single page that gives a summary of who you are and what you're pitching. They are used primarily at writer's conferences. Here's a good overview: http://www.rachellegardner.com/2011/08/what-should-i-bring-to-a-conference/ And yes, the conference went well. I was asked to send in a book proposal and sample chapters to an agent. Now I just have to finish writing them! It's good motivation when you know they're waiting on you.