Fluent Dialogue

This is one way to reel people in: Dialogue. Is yours witty, smooth, fresh?
Or does the way you have one character speak to another sound choppy, or robotic?
Never fear, the FLUENT DIALOGUE forum is here!
This is where you'll send us a passage with plenty of character chit-chat, and we'll tell you if it's good, beautiful--or bad and ugly.
This thread is for all those people who are unsure as to whether or not their story--and everything in it--is being told in a fluent, flowing--and fun--kind of way.

This novel is set in 2148. Here, I am introducing Dog Ear for the first time. I am trying to get his character across through dialog and behavior only. Does it work?

We didn’t get many new people in Piney Grove, at least not single folk with beat up cars. The rules against strangers staying overnight were strict. I was curious to find out who this guy was. I detoured around to the guard box where I had seen Dog Ear on duty earlier when the school bus brought us in.
Dog Ear had slid the gate back for the long stream of cars that always returned at this time on work days. He looked at every single car with his eyes narrowed as if any one of them might contain an enemy agent, even though these were all just returning residents.
I stepped up beside him.
He didn’t take his eyes off the cars for a moment.
“Hey there youngster,” he said to me from the side of his mouth.
He held the back of his wrist out to me and I knocked it with my own.
“Hatcha, Dog Ear. How’s it going?”
“Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow.”
He always said that. Personally, I never saw evidence that his life was getting better.
I found myself watching the cars along with him. Our heads moved back and forth in unison.
“Saw someone taking boxes into your place,” I said.
“That’s right.”
“He moving in with you, then?”
“That’s right. Moving in.”
“That’ll be nice for you. Some company, for a change,” I said. “So, how’d you meet him?”
Dog Ear had caught sight of my parents’ car, idling in the line about three cars back from the barrier. He turned his body toward their car, pulled an imaginary pistol from a non-existent holster at his waist and sighted along its length. He pulled his trigger finger back twice, and said, “bang, bang.”
I dug my elbow hard into his side, “Hey, don’t do that. Those are my parents in that car.”
Dog Ear snapped back from whatever war he’d been fighting in.
“Yeah, that dude is kin to me somehow. Cousin’s son’s brother, something, I don’t know. He knows. Got a message from him out of the blue. Could he come stay? Sure, I said. You bet.”
Dog Ear and I watched my parents’ car roll through the perimeter barrier. Neither of them looked up at us as they passed.

“Come and try out for the play with me,” Heather said.

“Nah,” I said. Sitting at my desk, I didn’t turn around and look at her.

“Why not? After states are done, you have nothing to do until track, and that’s like...months away.”

“Because,” I said.

“That’s not an answer.”

“It is to me,” I said. I had a sneaking suspicion that something bad was going to happen to me. Snarling faces had turned into something more sinister hidden behind smiles. Maybe I was becoming paranoid. If I tried to keep a low profile before, I was trying to be nonexistent now.

Heather made an exasperated sound. “Fine then, if you won’t try out. Help me do it.”

I turned to look at her and she was looking particularly pathetic with a pouty mouth and eyes that screamed, “please, please, please.” I'd feel like a jerk if I didn’t help her out, and she was right. After states, there was nothing much for me to do.

“What is it?” I asked.

She tossed a book at me. It was “Much Ado About Nothing.”

“I’m thinking Hero,” she said.

“You’re more a Beatrice, to me.”

“Are you calling me a bitch?” She asked.

“No. You’re independent, smart, witty, stubborn, and sometimes a pain in the butt.” I responded.

“If I am a Beatrice, then you’d be my Benedick.”

I looked at her squarely. I didn’t say anything at first, but then, “Sometimes I do not know if you are serious, or just cruel.”

She got up from the bed and hugged me. “Mystery, never cruel to you, never.”

I did help her. I’d spend hours with her making her memorize her lines and it was similar to her slapping the beam when I fell off. If she slipped on a line, I would make her start over. She would get frustrated with me and storm off and throw the book on the floor.

“Shakespeare is so stupid,” she said. “Who the fuck talks like this?”

“Everyone that speaks English,” I would answer and let her cool down. She would look daggers as me, but I would only smile at my snarky remark.


--JSC

"“Ugh, Salem,” I moaned, letting my head fall back.

“Hmmm?” he said, flipping to a page, and then dragging his finger down it. When he found what he wanted and poked at it and reread it. That was great and all but it really wasn’t helping.

“Your ancestors want to permanently trap my fingers because this thing is impossible to get out of,” I seethed through my teeth, trying once more to get out of the offending contraption.

“Oh, really?” he asked, flipping the page and furrowing his brow in a frustration I wouldn’t be able to recognize completely unless I splashed around behind him in the fountain and peered over his shoulder, which I wasn’t willing to do for a text book, unless it was about maps.

“Salem, I’m serious! Can I get a little help over here, please?” I demanded as my fingers started to cramp up. Salem finally looked up and barely hid a smile as he saw my predicament. I tried to look dignified but it’s kind of hard when you’ve two fingers stuck inside a wooden tube and you can’t get them out.

“Just relax, and slowly pull them out. If you keep trying to force them out you’ll never get out of it,” he suggested and went back to his book.

I huffed. That would never work. I looked down at my fingers, still trapped. I doubted anyone would pay to see the amazing flying girl with her fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap. So, giving it the benefit of the doubt, I tried it. And it worked.

“Huzzah!” I announced, throwing the thing up in the air and doing a little celebratory dance. The people who had been sitting around us then moved away but I didn’t care because I was free-of the finger trap at least. I looked over at Salem, deciding I was bored. “Whatcha reading?”

“A book about supernatural occurrences, things, and creatures,” he looked at me over his spectacles, looking kind of a like an owl and kind of like a librarian. I gagged, pointing a finger down my throat and he snorted, “I know you don’t like fantasy Cinni, but you’re kind of stuck with it now. You can’t hate what you are.”

“Why not? Don’t accountants do that all the time?” I mused; looking over at him to see if that would cause any type of reaction.

He just ignored me though, and I rolled my eyes.

“Why are you reading that?” I asked, crossing my legs on the fountain’s ledge and scooching so that I was sideways, facing him. I put my hand in the water and swirled it around, looking at the amount of change in the fountain. I bet most of them had been wished upon. I wondered who had wished and what for. It might be interesting to be a fountain.

“Just brushing up on my knowledge and seeing if it has anything in here about you,” he told me. “Or, rather about witches, besides that they were prosecuted during the Witch Trials and they like to go on about it for quite a while.”
I peered into the book, sure enough, Witch Trials.

I grinned. “Yeah, the Salem Witch Trials. I should be worried about you trying to stake me in the middle of the night,” I teased him. “Were they in Salem, Oregon?”

He just shook his head and looked at me, like, ‘Why would you say that?’ but just said, “No, they were on the east coast, far away from here, in the 13 original colonies.”

Now that was my kind of subject. “Oh really? Which ones?” I inquired, pulling my hand from the cool water, and shaking it dry."


Honestly, that's about as much dialogue as I have in one paragraph, and I was wondering if I was overusing words or something like that. (I tend to do it.) I know it cuts off suddenly (sorry, but then I launched into less dialogue and more of a descriptive paragraph,) but hopefully somebody can tell me SOMEthing about it. Thanks in advance.
-Alice
Ps. This is unedited so pardon an enivitable grammar mistakes. :)

Good dialogue contains:
1. Character's personality.
2. Character development. (History, change and/or evolution)
3. Moves the plot forward.
4. How character is reacting to the context of where they are speaking and whom they are speaking to. (Taking into account the other people present.).

This the real dialogue test is to write the dialogue and see if one can distinguish the players by dialogue alone. I used to do that for hours... It's a check list I used to use.

His top knot was a mess--strands were flying from it and his headband was crooked on his head.
"No one would guess you were a King and an advisor," I said, frowning. I could fix his top knot later.
He held out a colorful bird and two hares.
"Scolding--is that a way to greet me? I guess you don't want these."
"What did you trade for these? They must be expensive!"
He grabbed my waist. I beat my hands against his chest. "Not when we're not in the house! You've forgotten your manners already?"
He grinned at me. "No one will see, so shush. I bought them for a celebration. I have good news to share."
"First, let's go to the house."
He nodded. "What did you burn?"
"I did not burn anything!" I retorted as we walked back towards our house.
"You always burn something. It wouldn't be your cooking without it. You burned the food our last three lifetimes together without fail every meal. You are lucky to never have been born a kitchen maid."

=P Complete with world building too.

@Kimberly Dawn: Thank you for the critique. I know my sentence length needs work (*sigh* run on sentences...) but it's always nice to have a reminder. I'll try to do as you say and go back over my stuff...just as soon as I finish it. ^^

This is from when two of my characters are meeting up to take part in an investigation to track down a rogue android. They're very snarky with each other so they're a lot of fun to write about. XD I just wanted to make sure their dialogue is flowing nicely. :3 Sorry if it's a bit long, some of the conversation wouldn't make sense without the rest so I put it all in xD Taylor has just entered the hotel room and moaned about the amount of stairs (he won't use the lift) at this point. =P

Ryker raised his eyebrows in a gesture of ‘OK, whatever’, before continuing on with, “Anyway. Nice of you to skip the pleasantries. We haven’t seen each other for a while, I expected at least a ‘hello’.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hello,” Taylor said wearily, rummaging in his pockets for a cigarette. Having found one, he proceeded to light it, took a long drag and then sank back into the cushions of his chair with a long, satisfied sigh.

“Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help you feel any better after those stairs. And I don’t think they let you smoke in here anyway.”

“I don’t care.”

“Fair enough.” Ryker shrugged. “But if they come up to investigate, it was you, not me, and I’ll let them kick you out. So what was it you came and found me here for anyway? And – how did you know I was here?”

Taylor smirked. “Jakob told me. Your communications device has a tracker in it. He knows exactly where you are.”

“Well, that’s just creepy,” Ryker muttered, taking the device out of his pocket to inspect it as if he’d be able to see what was no doubt a cunningly disguised tracker. He didn’t like being checked up on; for a moment he considered getting rid of the thing, but he needed it, and somehow he didn’t think Jakob would appreciate him throwing away rather expensive company supplies. “You still haven’t answered my first question though. What are you doing here?”

There was no response, and he glanced up to see that Taylor was standing with his face pressed against the glass of the massive window, staring out at the sea of lights below. He suppressed a sigh; he had managed to completely forget about the younger man’s severe ADHD and incredibly small attention span. He might have been a borderline genius, but the flipside was that he could also be extremely annoying, most of the time without even meaning to.

“Taylor.”

“What?” He turned back to Ryker before immediately looking out of the window again. “Look at this! Look at all the lights!”

“Yes, I know. They’re fascinating. I’d kind of like you to answer my question.”

“Oh.” Taylor spun round and leant against the window – Ryker personally wouldn’t have risked that, just in case the glass wasn’t toughened and decided to give way, but he left Taylor to it – and took another drag on his cigarette. “Well, I’m here to help you, of course. After all, I made this guy. If anyone knows what he’s about to do next, it’s me.”

“So do you know what he’s about to do next?”

“Well, no.”

“You’re not much use then, are you?” Ryker demanded, folding his arms.

Taylor glowered at him. “How can I know what he’s about to do if I don’t know what he’s doing now? That’s what I meant. Once we find out where he is and what he’s doing, I might be able to predict what he’s going to do next. That is, unless his software’s gone haywire or been reinstalled or something, in which case he’ll probably be totally unpredictable.”

Ryker suppressed an aggravated sigh. “You’re getting less and less useful by the minute.”

“At least I’m not just sitting about relaxing when there’s work to be done,” Taylor objected, and Ryker scowled.

“I was getting to it. I’m working on a plan.”

Taylor wandered back over to a chair and flopped down into it, putting his arms behind his head. “Do tell.”

“The journalist who took a photo of our android friend was arrested the next day. I trust you saw that on the news?” When Taylor nodded, he carried on. “He was arrested because of us. The public think it was because he possessed illegal information on rogue androids, but I highly doubt he actually did. His arrest was down to us.”

Taylor idly chewed on the end of his cigarette. “Do you guys even have the power to do that?”

“We’re the N.I.D, we’re in line with the police force. We can do what we like.”

“Framing someone for something they didn’t do isn’t exactly what the police would do.”

“Yes, but in a case like this, it’s something that needs to be done,” Ryker explained, trying to keep his patience intact. “That android is a danger to the public. The police need to know about him as much as we do – it’s just that it’s our job to track him down and deactivate him. The police deal with the people, we deal with the androids. But we needed a way to get the information out of that journalist without causing a massive disturbance. If the public find out that there’s an extremely dangerous android running around freely, they’re going to panic.”

“And why couldn’t you just, I don’t know, go to the journalist’s house and ask him what he knew about the android?” Taylor asked casually, swinging his feet up on the arm of his chair and kicking his grubby trainers off.

“I don’t know the details. Jakob Delinski sent the order to the Aethercove police force. I didn’t have anything to do with it. Maybe he wouldn’t cooperate and the police decided it would be easier to just take him to the station. Or perhaps the news companies weren’t meant to get wind of it and they found out that he was arrested anyway, and heard on the grapevine somehow that it was to do with androids, and decided to make up the headline themselves. Whatever. Either way, he’s now in custody, and tomorrow, I’m heading off to interview him.”

“More like put the frighteners on him,” Taylor remarked, twirling a strand of his hair in his fingers.

“If the need calls for it. Meanwhile, what are you going to be doing?”

“I’m more of an expert on these androids than anyone,” Taylor replied, with the hint of a smug grin flickering around his face. “I made them in the first place. If he mentions any specifications, any details, I might just be able to match them to a particular sub-type. Perhaps even that one singular serial number.”

Ryker stared at him. “How on earth would you be able to remember the details of one model among thousands?”

Taylor tapped the side of his head with a fingertip. “I remember a lot of stuff. It’s just that most of it isn’t very useful.”

“You said it,” Ryker muttered under his breath, before resuming his normal speaking volume. “By the way, I’m surprised you didn’t bring a menagerie of androids with you.”

“I hear that you did,” Taylor replied.

“Have you and Jakob been talking about me behind my back or something?” Ryker demanded with exasperation. “You seem to know a lot of things that you shouldn’t.”

Taylor merely grinned. “Maybe I should be in your little investigation squad.”

“And maybe you shouldn’t.”

I get a good sense of what these characters think of one another. I find it very easy to follow, even though it ISN'T the type of story I usually read. And in fact, I am not familiar with all of the vocabulary, but it still read easily in my mind. Still, there are some things I personally would adjust to make it flow better. And the way you write it makes me think it is for a younger age group. Is it?
And, well other than that, I didn't see any errors.

Hi BloodRoseAngel,
I suggest that you go through and remove all of the adverbs. They are a distraction, and they create distance between the reader and the story. Believe me, you don't need them. Trust your reader to be smart enough to know how the dialogue sounds. For example, the reader doesn't need "wearily," "casually," "merely," "idly." If the dialogue is well written, we will understand the tone of voice.

Who is your POV character here? I couldn't tell whose eyes we were seeing this scene through. I would like to see you rewrite this from one character's POV. At the same time, eliminate some of the -ing clauses that you use to describe body language. I have a feeling that you use all these -ing clauses (twirling hair, folding arms, rummaging in pockets) because you haven't established a POV yet.

I'm afraid I do mean remove all the adverbs. It doesn't have to be Ryker said, Taylor said. As Dozycat advises above, try eliminating the tags altogether after the first time you use them. Only add them when it prevents confusion.

As for the actions, I am suggesting choose a POV character, then write the actions from there. Choose to point out only the actions that reveal character and advance the plot.

You may not like J.K. Rowling, but millions of people buy her books. If you are interested in getting published, study the writing of current successful writers.

I hope this helps.

I think it reminds me of a story for a younger audience because for me, it is just a little plain. Nothing really sticks out, there is no particular line that I remember. You know, like a simple form of entertainment for younger audiences to pick up and read, before either recommending or returning it. It's the type of story, I personally, from this little bit I've read, think would bore me, because of the friendly, continuous tone, and lack of insight into the character's thoughts. I didn't really get a good sense of the hostility or bitterness, or the reluctance of having one character talking to the other with this piece. I did not get a sense of a continuous unwillingness to be with one another, except for at the very beginning and end. Maybe none of those things should be there, but their banter made me think it belonged. Though, if it WAS there, I was unable to pick up on it.
:) Hope I somewhat helped!

OK, here's another one from a completely different part of the book - a flashback from the MC - Rikani's - POV. Rikani has just told his friend Steve - they're both androids - that he wants to propose to a human woman. I haven't changed anything in my novel since people gave me critiques on the first extract I posted - I just wanted to see if I have the same problems reoccurring in other places in my novel. Also, people said they wanted to see more emotion and insight into the characters' thoughts. I hope this fits the bill. Be honest!

I hope no one thinks I'm taking advantage of this thread by posting twice. XD I'm more than willing to help anyone else with their extracts. :)

Somewhat predictably, Steve’s reaction wasn’t exactly what I had been hoping for.

“Are you insane?!”

“No,” I muttered defensively, playing with the sleeves of my sweater. The two of us were standing in the small space in the centre of the living room, where the clutter drew back a little to allow a small space in which to stand, or, in Steve’s case when he was angry, to pace to and fro.

“Well, you must be. Seriously. Have you got a virus?”

“No. I just updated my antivirus.” I knew he wasn’t being literal, but I felt like being obnoxious in return; I was hurt that his reaction had been quite so different to what I had been expecting. I knew I could hardly expect that he’d be happy for me, but still. “I love her.”

“Love is a human thing, Rikani. We’re androids. We’re computers.”

I let out a wordless growl of frustration, spun on my heel and began to pace to and fro. “I know that I love her. I want to be with her forever.”

“You think you do.”

“No, I know I do! Stop telling me what I think, Steve!” I snapped, and he flinched slightly in surprise. A small part of me, the part that was still meek and shy, the part of me that still remained from when I had been found confused and empty in the street outside, wanted to apologise, but I ignored it. “I want to do this!”

“You’re going to get us both deactivated!” Steve growled. “You know how dangerous it is for us here even without us doing anything to draw attention to ourselves! There have been androids here for years, living undercover, getting by. And then you come along and decide you want to go and marry a human, because that obviously won’t blow your cover at all!”

I had run out of things to say; I had already tried to explain to him how I felt about her, but he wasn’t willing to listen. That was all I had; all that had provoked my actions. When you loved someone, you went with your instincts, right? My instincts had told me that I wanted to marry her and no one else. “You could help me.”

Steve paused in running his hand through his hair, looking towards me in incomprehension. “Help you?”

“Yeah. You could... you could make me look more like a human!”

Steve let out his breath in an exasperated sigh. “You’re losin’ it. Seriously.”

“No, I mean it. I know an android can’t marry a human – but a human can marry another human!” The idea made perfect sense to me now I had thought about it; I could feel a triumphant grin forming on my face, but of course, Steve’s expression didn’t exactly mirror my own.

“That would never work.”

“And why not? It’s not like we’re registered or anything, so it’s not the same as some android on the register suddenly going missing.”

“It’s not as simple as that. There are plenty of signs that would give away that you’re not human. Think of how you have to plan just to go down the shops so humans don’t interrogate you about what you’re doin’. That’s just when they know you’re an android. Imagine how much you’d have to think about and plan every single day to keep livin’ a lie and pretendin’ you’re a human.”

“It’d be worth it.”

“No, it wouldn’t, Rikani!” Steve slammed his hand down on the mantelpiece, causing a resounding thud that made me jump. “You’re foolin’ yourself!”

“So I should just be lonely forever?” I demanded.

“Yes! Because we’re androids!”

“I don’t want to be an android!”

Steve simply looked at me in shock at the echoes from my shout faded slowly around us in the darkened flat. Then, slowly, his expression twisted with incomprehension. “You don’t want to be an android? You want to be human?”

I couldn’t look at him; I stared at my feet, nodding slowly. I had never admitted it to him before, because I knew he wouldn’t understand. Here was my proof.

“But... but why?” Steve ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair and began pacing again. “Why would you want to be one of them?”

“I know you hate humans, but they’re not all the same, just like us.”

“Humans use us, and then they throw us away when they’re done with us, same as they do with everythin’ else,” Steve snapped, and I could see that no matter what I said, he had made up his mind about humans from his own experiences and nothing I said was going to change his opinion.

“We only exist because of them!” The instant I said it, I knew he wouldn’t like it.

“And in return for them creatin’ us, we should let them destroy us whenever they feel like it?” Steve demanded.

“No! That’s not what I meant. I just meant... without humans, we wouldn’t be here at all.”

“And don’t I know it.” Steve looked disgusted at that remark, and his voice was thick with sarcasm. “After all, I was made for Cantrell, and worked hard for them, and then when they were done with me they decided to just finish me off, except they’re so incompetent they couldn’t even manage that.”

“Well, that’s a good thing!” I protested, not even sure of what I was trying to say; I just wanted to reassure him that the fact that he was still here wasn’t a bad thing. Steve scared me sometimes; it was as if one minute he was desperate to protect our existence, the next he didn’t care if he lived or died.

“Is it?” Steve snorted and turned away, sweeping a pile of junk off of the nearest chair with one arm and sitting down heavily in it. He looked up at me through the curtain of dull brown hair that had fallen across his face, and I could see the age-old weariness in his features. “You really want to do this, don’t you?”

Slowly, jaw set, I nodded. “I do.”

“Unh. Fish for later,” declared Shoto, ambling over to them with a colorful dead fish in his hands. “Shoto has no pockets. Magic-man hold fish,” he stated, holding out the dead creature to Kamboolii.

Chambeeta did not really want to put a dead fish in his pocket. “Where did you get that?” he asked Shoto.

“Fountain pool,” grunted Shoto, pointing across the room to the corner. “Lots more. You want some? Unh.”

“My koi!” shrieked Gorvin. “You brute! Do you have any idea of how much those cost?” he demanded. “Those are imported from Midland!”

“Unh… taste good?” asked Shoto.

“They aren’t for eating!” snapped the Regent. “They’re there to look at.”

Shoto stared at the fish. “Shoto looked,” responded the Groll.

“I’m sorry Gorvin,” sighed Chambeeta. “Shoto doesn’t really understand why anyone would keep fish in a pool and not eat them. Groll are strictly functional that way. They do keep pools of fish, but only to breed them for food. He probably thought that’s what these were for.”

“Unh,” agreed Shoto. “Fish for eating.”

Gorvin took the fish out of Shoto’s hands and hurried over to the pool. Placing it carefully back into the water, it floated to the surface flipping upside-down. “It’s dead,” he moaned. “Damn.” Then he noticed several of the other fish that were also floating belly-up in the pool and leaned back with a horrified look on his face. “What the Hell happened to them?”

“Shoto kill them,” said Shoto. “Unh.”

“You killed them ALL!?” exclaimed Gorvin. “How?”

“Unh,” grunted Shoto. He reached down and flipped a lever over the top of the steel groin plate, flipping it down to expose a dirty loincloth made out of some kind of canvas fiber. Sticking his armored hand inside, he shifted the cloth and extracted his manhood from within. Aiming his giant johnson at the pool, Shoto began spraying the water with piss. “This how Shoto kill fish,” he said, although it was difficult to hear him over the thundering of the liquid. It was like a small waterfall.

“AAAGG!” screamed Gorvin. “You’re PISSING in my POOL!”

“Unh,” agreed Shoto.

Kai, despite her best efforts, burst out laughing.

Chambeeta rushed over. “Shoto,” he shouted. “Put it away. Humans don’t fish like that. They use nets.”

Shoto stopped pissing and grunted. Shaking his wang over the pool to get the drops out, he stuffed it back into the loin cloth and flipped the metal groin plate back into place. CLICK! More fish popped to the surface, dead and belly-up. “Piss catch more fish than net,” he told Gorvin. “Maybe Humans learn to fish from Grolls.”

“My Lord!” exclaimed Gorvin. “Your people are truly barbarians. And even if this method of fishing were even remotely considered allowable, who would want to eat fished killed with piss!?”

“I don’t think they care about that,” said the ArchMage, rubbing his long white beard thoughtfully. “Although it would account for the flavor last time I had a meal with the Groll. I suppose I should have put two and two together, but I was pretty high at the time. They have these incredible mushrooms.”

May I ask what your story is about?

Yup. :)

“You got business with me, girl?” asked the woman in blue, eyes still sharp between thin wrinkles that makeup could not completely hide.
Vision swallowed, unable to meet the scarlet woman’s eyes. She rubbed sweaty palms on her legs.
“Um. Not me. I mean, yes. My crew,”
The scarlet woman’s eyes flashed very dangerously. The woman in blue turned her attention to Glass.
“This who I’m meant to deal with?”
Glass wrenched his eyes up to meet the courtesan’s cool gaze, “Um… no. We, um, were meant to see if you were interesting in dealing with us,”
The woman in red smiled. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.
“Gretta,” she said, “What is it you were telling me just the other day about thieves?”
The older woman barked a laugh, “That I don’t like to deal with them. They’ll bring the guard down on me, they will,”
Vision struggled to regain her composure, “We can come to an agreement,” she said colouring her voice with the slightest hint of threat, “It ain’t like everything here is legal,”
Gretta quirked an eyebrow, “Celia, will your girl set the hounds on us?”
“I don’t know,” Celia said darkly, “I don’t see my girl,”
Gretta tilted her head, “Tell you what,” she said, “I’ll talk with your crew leader and I’ll deal you fair. I ain’t no snitch. But if the money don’t speak to me, there’s no deal,”
“Thanks. Couldn’t expect more,” Vision said.
Glass let out a nervous chuckle, “That wasn’t so bad!”
Three pairs of feline female eyes locked onto him. Vision snickered and pushed her mug of alcohol into his hands, sloshing some onto his shirt.
“You’ll want this in a second,”
He blinked at the mug and at Vision. That was all he had time to do before Gretta grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out of the building.
“You take me to your crew leader boy,” her voice carried as the door swung closed.
That left Vision alone with Celia. The woman crossed her arms and watched the young thief with an unreadable expression.
“Hi, Celia,” she said lamely, “I’m back,”
The courtesan sniffed, “We’ll see,”

The thing I liked about the excerpt was mainly the nervous feel you get from Violet. Nice job!!! :)

Double check your grammar. For example, it should be :This is who I'm meant to deal with?"
I know you can do whatever you want when it comes to dualities, but it was awkward to read.


And also: "Gretta whirled an eyebrow and said..." because eyebrows can't speak. XD

I felt a little distanced from what was going on at times because of the tags. You don't really need the line about colouring her voice with threat because when Violet says not everything is legal, her speech is already hinted with an ominous tone.

Go through your excerpt and see if certain quotes can stand on their own and if tags are hindering the reading.

Overall, the dialogue itself seems okay. It's just the tags that are maning it awkward to read.

Title: House of the Raven
Genre: Fantasy Romance

Note: This is two lovers, in bed the morning after. There's no sex in the excerpt.

"I am," she agreed, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her cheek on her knees, looking at Aaron. "To say nothing of you."

Aaron looked at her for a long time without saying anything. "What is it?" Keira finally asked.

"What does married mean?"

Keira thought before answering. "Two people committed to each other. Like Ava and Martok."

"Or Eliza and me?"

Keira nodded.

"I'm just guessing here, but is this," and he gestured to the two of them in bed, "Taboo in your culture?"

"Not sex, no. Well, yes, in some ways, but no, just having sex is, generally, not taboo."

Aaron cocked his head at her. "You know what I'm asking. Have we done something wrong?"

Keira scratched an itch on her knee as she thought about her answer. It didn't feel wrong, not even now, in the light of day. But modern Western sexual culture was hard to navigate. She should feel something was wrong by her old standards.

"You told me last night that your situation was complex."

"Not my situation," he clarified, "But the explanation. And last night I didn't feel like comparing the finer points of our cultural forms." He gave her a suggestive look and she laughed.

"Me either."

"My situation is simple. Eliza and I have been free to persue our interests as they arise. In matters professional and personal."

"So you don't have an intimate relationship with Eliza?"

"I do. But we don't believe that should limit what we can enjoy with others. As long as we don't hurt each other, of course."

"So you wouldn't," she hesitated before asking such a bald question, "Have gone home with just anyone last night?"

"No. I wanted you specifically."

Her stomach jumped and she dug her toes into the blankets. "Would you do it again?"

"Are you asking me if I would have sex with you for the first time again or if we have some kind of relationship starting here?"

"Yes."

He laughed and moved across the bed until he was sitting beside her, close enough that she could feel his warmth again.

"Yes, I would choose to do it again." He leaned in carefully to kiss her, his lips barely brushing hers. "Do you want something to be starting here?"

"Yes," she replied without thinking and startling herself. "I mean," she ducked her face, hiding against her knees. She took a deep breath and looked up to find Aaron waiting patiently. "I mean, now, today, yes. I can't promise about what will happen tomorrow."

"Neither can I," Aaron agreed and kissed her again.

Concerns: Is there a good mix between actions and dialogue? Are the emotions clear but not over stated? And any other feedback you wish to share.

NOTE: This is from my novel, and the part where the Princess tried to convince the Queen that some of the Mary Sues have reformed and changed their ways.

"We're not all Mary Sues!" exclaimed Princess.

"That is not relavant." droned the Queen.

"Is that so?"

"Yes. That is so."

Princess's left eyebrow twitched.

Then Princess remarked, "Delightful! How logical you are!"

"I certainly agree."

"Have you ever hear of the word, sarcasm?"

"On occasion from my tutors. They recommend using it when taunting my enemies while I furiously destroy all their houses and armies," replied the Queen with a straight face.

The Queen then proceeded to stuff a bowl of grapes into her face. She tried to place the bowl back on the table but her short, stubby arms could not reach and dropped the bowl on the floor. She farted twice, and the smell seemed to crack the plate...and Princess's glasses.

"Yes. I'm sure that you have destroyed houses..." Princess glanced at her broken glasses and the broken bowl.

"Tell me, fair and majestic Queen, in what mannar do you destroy their houses?"

"In the normal manner, of course."

"And in what kind of mannar is that?"

"The normal one, of course! Have you not been listening?"

"With the highest regret, I must say yes...OH MY GOD!...is that green smoke coming from your bottom!?!"

"My tutors call it "the passing of food to a higher place."

"Dear god...oh...god...what did you eat..."

The Princess did not finish this sentence for she was already on the floor. Her glasses where completely shattered, and you could almost hear the cries of agony coming from her nose.

The Queen did not notice the collapsed girl, and in reply to her question, sniffed the air and replied with complete candor, "I think mash potatoes and roasted frog," the Queen took another two quick sniffs, "and I think I had some apple pie for desert."

Since this is supposed to be silly...i'm not sure which silliness is relevant to the story and which might be an oversight.
"proceeded to stuff a bowl of grapes into her face"---is exactly what I imagined. Not just the grapes. The bowl also turned into a plate, then back to bowl. Does the queen have little t-rex arms? I imagined that too. The princess is glancing at her glasses? Does that mean they aren't on her face? Wouldn't broken glasses interfere with her ability to glance efficiently?

I think this is character revealing for the queen, (good job!) but not for the princess. You mentioned that she is trying to convince the queen, but gave up on that after two lines of dialogue. C'mon princess, you can try harder than that!

I think the princess should try to change the subject back to the Mary Sues rather than politely asking the queen about her conquests, and if something whimsical is going on, make sure the audience knows it's intentional with extra description: The queen chomped a bite size hunk of out of the bowl along with the entire vine of grapes. (Consider this bullet point checked if you've already described the queen's t-rex arms and propensity for eating dishes)