Fluent Dialogue

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 11:40:27 -0800

This is one way to reel people in: Dialogue. Is yours witty, smooth, fresh? Or does the way you have one character speak to another sound choppy, or robotic? Never fear, the FLUENT DIALOGUE forum is here! This is where you'll send us a passage with plenty of character chit-chat, and we'll tell you if it's good, beautiful--or bad and ugly. This thread is for all those people who are unsure as to whether or not their story--and everything in it--is being told in a fluent, flowing--and fun--kind of way.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Mallorca Writer — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:52:29 -0800

This novel is set in 2148. Here, I am introducing Dog Ear for the first time. I am trying to get his character across through dialog and behavior only. Does it work? We didn’t get many new people in Piney Grove, at least not single folk with beat up cars. The rules against strangers staying overnight were strict. I was curious to find out who this guy was. I detoured around to the guard box where I had seen Dog Ear on duty earlier when the school bus brought us in. Dog Ear had slid the gate back for the long stream of cars that always returned at this time on work days. He looked at every single car with his eyes narrowed as if any one of them might contain an enemy agent, even though these were all just returning residents. I stepped up beside him. He didn’t take his eyes off the cars for a moment. “Hey there youngster,” he said to me from the side of his mouth. He held the back of his wrist out to me and I knocked it with my own. “Hatcha, Dog Ear. How’s it going?” “Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow.” He always said that. Personally, I never saw evidence that his life was getting better. I found myself watching the cars along with him. Our heads moved back and forth in unison. “Saw someone taking boxes into your place,” I said. “That’s right.” “He moving in with you, then?” “That’s right. Moving in.” “That’ll be nice for you. Some company, for a change,” I said. “So, how’d you meet him?” Dog Ear had caught sight of my parents’ car, idling in the line about three cars back from the barrier. He turned his body toward their car, pulled an imaginary pistol from a non-existent holster at his waist and sighted along its length. He pulled his trigger finger back twice, and said, “bang, bang.” I dug my elbow hard into his side, “Hey, don’t do that. Those are my parents in that car.” Dog Ear snapped back from whatever war he’d been fighting in. “Yeah, that dude is kin to me somehow. Cousin’s son’s brother, something, I don’t know. He knows. Got a message from him out of the blue. Could he come stay? Sure, I said. You bet.” Dog Ear and I watched my parents’ car roll through the perimeter barrier. Neither of them looked up at us as they passed.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

sovay — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:24:00 -0800

I definitely get a sense of character here. It's not overdone, and I like it. Lines like "better than yesterday but not as good as tomorrow" and "whatever war he'd been fighting in" give me a nice sense of the character. Most importantly, I trust him. I like him, and I trust him. He might have a checkered past, but I don't get any shady vibes. Because there's not a lot of overt tension between the narrator and Dog Ear in this scene, this is much more mellow and the subtext becomes that much more important. I think you have a nice scene, though, good work! (:

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

J_S_C — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:00:10 -0800

“Come and try out for the play with me,” Heather said. “Nah,” I said. Sitting at my desk, I didn’t turn around and look at her. “Why not? After states are done, you have nothing to do until track, and that’s like...months away.” “Because,” I said. “That’s not an answer.” “It is to me,” I said. I had a sneaking suspicion that something bad was going to happen to me. Snarling faces had turned into something more sinister hidden behind smiles. Maybe I was becoming paranoid. If I tried to keep a low profile before, I was trying to be nonexistent now. Heather made an exasperated sound. “Fine then, if you won’t try out. Help me do it.” I turned to look at her and she was looking particularly pathetic with a pouty mouth and eyes that screamed, “please, please, please.” I'd feel like a jerk if I didn’t help her out, and she was right. After states, there was nothing much for me to do. “What is it?” I asked. She tossed a book at me. It was “Much Ado About Nothing.” “I’m thinking Hero,” she said. “You’re more a Beatrice, to me.” “Are you calling me a bitch?” She asked. “No. You’re independent, smart, witty, stubborn, and sometimes a pain in the butt.” I responded. “If I am a Beatrice, then you’d be my Benedick.” I looked at her squarely. I didn’t say anything at first, but then, “Sometimes I do not know if you are serious, or just cruel.” She got up from the bed and hugged me. “Mystery, never cruel to you, never.” I did help her. I’d spend hours with her making her memorize her lines and it was similar to her slapping the beam when I fell off. If she slipped on a line, I would make her start over. She would get frustrated with me and storm off and throw the book on the floor. “Shakespeare is so stupid,” she said. “Who the fuck talks like this?” “Everyone that speaks English,” I would answer and let her cool down. She would look daggers as me, but I would only smile at my snarky remark. --JSC

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

DozyCat — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 02:48:40 -0800

Too many dialogue tags. Get rid of all the I saids but the first. Also that first line feels unnatural, kind of clunky. I'd just have Try out for the play with me. Also, punctuation. It should be "if you won't try out, help me do it." And the she asked should not be a capital s in she. Also, you cannot have an 'I responded' when the dialogue ends in a full stop. But since you have too many dialogue tags anyway, you're best off removing the I responded. I also feel like your lack of contractions is a bit odd. This could be a dialect thing, but most people where I live would say, "If I'm Beatrice," not "If I am a Beatrice" and "I do not know" is incredibly rare to hear in actual conversation. Despite that, what they're actually saying sounds pretty natural. I could imagine a conversation between two teenagers about the play running along those lines - though I'd expect Heather to try and be more persistent in trying to persuade him to join her, and it's unsual to hear teenagers talking about Shakespearean characters as though they actually know what they're talking about (unless, of course, it's Romeo and Juliet). I'd also recommend, though this is not a dialogue problem, that you put more action and description in. Most of this is just talking or thinking, with a bit of 'she tossed the book' or 'I didn't turn around'.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Alice Rocker — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 09:58:03 -0800

"“Ugh, Salem,” I moaned, letting my head fall back. “Hmmm?” he said, flipping to a page, and then dragging his finger down it. When he found what he wanted and poked at it and reread it. That was great and all but it really wasn’t helping. “Your ancestors want to permanently trap my fingers because this thing is impossible to get out of,” I seethed through my teeth, trying once more to get out of the offending contraption. “Oh, really?” he asked, flipping the page and furrowing his brow in a frustration I wouldn’t be able to recognize completely unless I splashed around behind him in the fountain and peered over his shoulder, which I wasn’t willing to do for a text book, unless it was about maps. “Salem, I’m serious! Can I get a little help over here, please?” I demanded as my fingers started to cramp up. Salem finally looked up and barely hid a smile as he saw my predicament. I tried to look dignified but it’s kind of hard when you’ve two fingers stuck inside a wooden tube and you can’t get them out. “Just relax, and slowly pull them out. If you keep trying to force them out you’ll never get out of it,” he suggested and went back to his book. I huffed. That would never work. I looked down at my fingers, still trapped. I doubted anyone would pay to see the amazing flying girl with her fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap. So, giving it the benefit of the doubt, I tried it. And it worked. “Huzzah!” I announced, throwing the thing up in the air and doing a little celebratory dance. The people who had been sitting around us then moved away but I didn’t care because I was free-of the finger trap at least. I looked over at Salem, deciding I was bored. “Whatcha reading?” “A book about supernatural occurrences, things, and creatures,” he looked at me over his spectacles, looking kind of a like an owl and kind of like a librarian. I gagged, pointing a finger down my throat and he snorted, “I know you don’t like fantasy Cinni, but you’re kind of stuck with it now. You can’t hate what you are.” “Why not? Don’t accountants do that all the time?” I mused; looking over at him to see if that would cause any type of reaction. He just ignored me though, and I rolled my eyes. “Why are you reading that?” I asked, crossing my legs on the fountain’s ledge and scooching so that I was sideways, facing him. I put my hand in the water and swirled it around, looking at the amount of change in the fountain. I bet most of them had been wished upon. I wondered who had wished and what for. It might be interesting to be a fountain. “Just brushing up on my knowledge and seeing if it has anything in here about you,” he told me. “Or, rather about witches, besides that they were prosecuted during the Witch Trials and they like to go on about it for quite a while.” I peered into the book, sure enough, Witch Trials. I grinned. “Yeah, the Salem Witch Trials. I should be worried about you trying to stake me in the middle of the night,” I teased him. “Were they in Salem, Oregon?” He just shook his head and looked at me, like, ‘Why would you say that?’ but just said, “No, they were on the east coast, far away from here, in the 13 original colonies.” Now that was my kind of subject. “Oh really? Which ones?” I inquired, pulling my hand from the cool water, and shaking it dry." Honestly, that's about as much dialogue as I have in one paragraph, and I was wondering if I was overusing words or something like that. (I tend to do it.) I know it cuts off suddenly (sorry, but then I launched into less dialogue and more of a descriptive paragraph,) but hopefully somebody can tell me SOMEthing about it. Thanks in advance. -Alice Ps. This is unedited so pardon an enivitable grammar mistakes. :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Mallorca Writer — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 10:47:13 -0800

Thanks, Sovay. I appreciate it. That's very helpful.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 15:13:34 -0800

I'd play with syntax and also sentence length to differentiate the character's voices.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kimberly Dawn — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 15:21:50 -0800

Good dialogue contains: 1. Character's personality. 2. Character development. (History, change and/or evolution) 3. Moves the plot forward. 4. How character is reacting to the context of where they are speaking and whom they are speaking to. (Taking into account the other people present.). This the real dialogue test is to write the dialogue and see if one can distinguish the players by dialogue alone. I used to do that for hours... It's a check list I used to use. His top knot was a mess--strands were flying from it and his headband was crooked on his head. "No one would guess you were a King and an advisor," I said, frowning. I could fix his top knot later. He held out a colorful bird and two hares. "Scolding--is that a way to greet me? I guess you don't want these." "What did you trade for these? They must be expensive!" He grabbed my waist. I beat my hands against his chest. "Not when we're not in the house! You've forgotten your manners already?" He grinned at me. "No one will see, so shush. I bought them for a celebration. I have good news to share." "First, let's go to the house." He nodded. "What did you burn?" "I did not burn anything!" I retorted as we walked back towards our house. "You always burn something. It wouldn't be your cooking without it. You burned the food our last three lifetimes together without fail every meal. You are lucky to never have been born a kitchen maid." =P Complete with world building too.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 16:11:31 -0800

It seems a tiny bit clunky to me, personally. Your characters speak in very short sentences and the descriptions in between consist of much the same thing. Also, these three lines bug me: "First, let's go to the house." He nodded. "What did you burn?" "I did not burn anything!" I retorted as we walked back towards our house. If he has just mentioned that they're going back towards the house, you don't need to mention again that they're going back towards the house in the dialogue tag. I know it's not directly dialogue-related, but you could change that to 'as we began to walk' or something. Or change "First, let's go to the house" to something less formal-sounding. :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Alice Rocker — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 16:16:53 -0800

@Kimberly Dawn: Thank you for the critique. I know my sentence length needs work (*sigh* run on sentences...) but it's always nice to have a reminder. I'll try to do as you say and go back over my stuff...just as soon as I finish it. ^^

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 16:18:44 -0800

This is from when two of my characters are meeting up to take part in an investigation to track down a rogue android. They're very snarky with each other so they're a lot of fun to write about. XD I just wanted to make sure their dialogue is flowing nicely. :3 Sorry if it's a bit long, some of the conversation wouldn't make sense without the rest so I put it all in xD Taylor has just entered the hotel room and moaned about the amount of stairs (he won't use the lift) at this point. =P Ryker raised his eyebrows in a gesture of ‘OK, whatever’, before continuing on with, “Anyway. Nice of you to skip the pleasantries. We haven’t seen each other for a while, I expected at least a ‘hello’.” “Yeah, yeah. Hello,” Taylor said wearily, rummaging in his pockets for a cigarette. Having found one, he proceeded to light it, took a long drag and then sank back into the cushions of his chair with a long, satisfied sigh. “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help you feel any better after those stairs. And I don’t think they let you smoke in here anyway.” “I don’t care.” “Fair enough.” Ryker shrugged. “But if they come up to investigate, it was you, not me, and I’ll let them kick you out. So what was it you came and found me here for anyway? And – how did you know I was here?” Taylor smirked. “Jakob told me. Your communications device has a tracker in it. He knows exactly where you are.” “Well, that’s just creepy,” Ryker muttered, taking the device out of his pocket to inspect it as if he’d be able to see what was no doubt a cunningly disguised tracker. He didn’t like being checked up on; for a moment he considered getting rid of the thing, but he needed it, and somehow he didn’t think Jakob would appreciate him throwing away rather expensive company supplies. “You still haven’t answered my first question though. What are you doing here?” There was no response, and he glanced up to see that Taylor was standing with his face pressed against the glass of the massive window, staring out at the sea of lights below. He suppressed a sigh; he had managed to completely forget about the younger man’s severe ADHD and incredibly small attention span. He might have been a borderline genius, but the flipside was that he could also be extremely annoying, most of the time without even meaning to. “Taylor.” “What?” He turned back to Ryker before immediately looking out of the window again. “Look at this! Look at all the lights!” “Yes, I know. They’re fascinating. I’d kind of like you to answer my question.” “Oh.” Taylor spun round and leant against the window – Ryker personally wouldn’t have risked that, just in case the glass wasn’t toughened and decided to give way, but he left Taylor to it – and took another drag on his cigarette. “Well, I’m here to help you, of course. After all, I made this guy. If anyone knows what he’s about to do next, it’s me.” “So do you know what he’s about to do next?” “Well, no.” “You’re not much use then, are you?” Ryker demanded, folding his arms. Taylor glowered at him. “How can I know what he’s about to do if I don’t know what he’s doing now? That’s what I meant. Once we find out where he is and what he’s doing, I might be able to predict what he’s going to do next. That is, unless his software’s gone haywire or been reinstalled or something, in which case he’ll probably be totally unpredictable.” Ryker suppressed an aggravated sigh. “You’re getting less and less useful by the minute.” “At least I’m not just sitting about relaxing when there’s work to be done,” Taylor objected, and Ryker scowled. “I was getting to it. I’m working on a plan.” Taylor wandered back over to a chair and flopped down into it, putting his arms behind his head. “Do tell.” “The journalist who took a photo of our android friend was arrested the next day. I trust you saw that on the news?” When Taylor nodded, he carried on. “He was arrested because of us. The public think it was because he possessed illegal information on rogue androids, but I highly doubt he actually did. His arrest was down to us.” Taylor idly chewed on the end of his cigarette. “Do you guys even have the power to do that?” “We’re the N.I.D, we’re in line with the police force. We can do what we like.” “Framing someone for something they didn’t do isn’t exactly what the police would do.” “Yes, but in a case like this, it’s something that needs to be done,” Ryker explained, trying to keep his patience intact. “That android is a danger to the public. The police need to know about him as much as we do – it’s just that it’s our job to track him down and deactivate him. The police deal with the people, we deal with the androids. But we needed a way to get the information out of that journalist without causing a massive disturbance. If the public find out that there’s an extremely dangerous android running around freely, they’re going to panic.” “And why couldn’t you just, I don’t know, go to the journalist’s house and ask him what he knew about the android?” Taylor asked casually, swinging his feet up on the arm of his chair and kicking his grubby trainers off. “I don’t know the details. Jakob Delinski sent the order to the Aethercove police force. I didn’t have anything to do with it. Maybe he wouldn’t cooperate and the police decided it would be easier to just take him to the station. Or perhaps the news companies weren’t meant to get wind of it and they found out that he was arrested anyway, and heard on the grapevine somehow that it was to do with androids, and decided to make up the headline themselves. Whatever. Either way, he’s now in custody, and tomorrow, I’m heading off to interview him.” “More like put the frighteners on him,” Taylor remarked, twirling a strand of his hair in his fingers. “If the need calls for it. Meanwhile, what are you going to be doing?” “I’m more of an expert on these androids than anyone,” Taylor replied, with the hint of a smug grin flickering around his face. “I made them in the first place. If he mentions any specifications, any details, I might just be able to match them to a particular sub-type. Perhaps even that one singular serial number.” Ryker stared at him. “How on earth would you be able to remember the details of one model among thousands?” Taylor tapped the side of his head with a fingertip. “I remember a lot of stuff. It’s just that most of it isn’t very useful.” “You said it,” Ryker muttered under his breath, before resuming his normal speaking volume. “By the way, I’m surprised you didn’t bring a menagerie of androids with you.” “I hear that you did,” Taylor replied. “Have you and Jakob been talking about me behind my back or something?” Ryker demanded with exasperation. “You seem to know a lot of things that you shouldn’t.” Taylor merely grinned. “Maybe I should be in your little investigation squad.” “And maybe you shouldn’t.”

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

She BElieVIEd — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:58:30 -0800

I get a good sense of what these characters think of one another. I find it very easy to follow, even though it ISN'T the type of story I usually read. And in fact, I am not familiar with all of the vocabulary, but it still read easily in my mind. Still, there are some things I personally would adjust to make it flow better. And the way you write it makes me think it is for a younger age group. Is it? And, well other than that, I didn't see any errors.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 17:08:07 -0800

Haha, it's not the kind of thing I'd usually write! =P It's my first attempt at sci-fi/cyberpunk, or generally anything that's not high fantasy. Thanks for the crit! :) It's sort of a teen-YA novel. Can I ask what it was in particular that made you think it was for a young audience, and what you would adjust? :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Mallorca Writer — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:33:26 -0800

Hi BloodRoseAngel, I suggest that you go through and remove all of the adverbs. They are a distraction, and they create distance between the reader and the story. Believe me, you don't need them. Trust your reader to be smart enough to know how the dialogue sounds. For example, the reader doesn't need "wearily," "casually," "merely," "idly." If the dialogue is well written, we will understand the tone of voice. Who is your POV character here? I couldn't tell whose eyes we were seeing this scene through. I would like to see you rewrite this from one character's POV. At the same time, eliminate some of the -ing clauses that you use to describe body language. I have a feeling that you use all these -ing clauses (twirling hair, folding arms, rummaging in pockets) because you haven't established a POV yet.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 03:17:48 -0800

Oh, I see what you mean. Thanks for the crit. :) Actually the POV for this scene was meant to be from Ryker, but it's only a short scene and they're side-characters, not main characters, whereas I would add more of the thought process of the MC in a scene including him.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 03:21:53 -0800

I was just looking back through it - do you mean remove ALL the adverbs and the actions? Because then it would end up reading like: "..." Ryker said. "..." Taylor said. And so on and so forth. And one thing I cannot stand is a conversation that reads like that. XD That's one thing that really annoys me about J.K. Rowling's writing. All her characters just 'say' things. They never yell, or growl, or anything but say. And I hate doing that because it makes it really boring. X'D

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Mallorca Writer — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 04:57:06 -0800

I'm afraid I do mean remove all the adverbs. It doesn't have to be Ryker said, Taylor said. As Dozycat advises above, try eliminating the tags altogether after the first time you use them. Only add them when it prevents confusion. As for the actions, I am suggesting choose a POV character, then write the actions from there. Choose to point out only the actions that reveal character and advance the plot. You may not like J.K. Rowling, but millions of people buy her books. If you are interested in getting published, study the writing of current successful writers. I hope this helps.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Walk On — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 06:15:32 -0800

[quote=BloodRoseAngel] That's one thing that really annoys me about J.K. Rowling's writing. All her characters just 'say' things. They never yell, or growl, or anything but say. And I hate doing that because it makes it really boring. X'D [/quote] She writes that way because good writing should only need say/said. Readers should know how to read a line of dialogue, even if its only tag is "she said." In light of this, "said" substitutes like "yelled" or "growled" are, at best, redundant because they communicate something the reader already knows. At worst, such tags are just distracting; hence, writers generally use "say/said" as the all-purpose tag because readers really don't notice the word. Ideally, however, you should work for tag-less dialogue. Make that your ideal--unattainable perhaps, but an ideal worth shooting for. Your characters should be so well-developed that the reader doesn't need the author's guidance to know who's speaking.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

She BElieVIEd — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 08:28:25 -0800

I think it reminds me of a story for a younger audience because for me, it is just a little plain. Nothing really sticks out, there is no particular line that I remember. You know, like a simple form of entertainment for younger audiences to pick up and read, before either recommending or returning it. It's the type of story, I personally, from this little bit I've read, think would bore me, because of the friendly, continuous tone, and lack of insight into the character's thoughts. I didn't really get a good sense of the hostility or bitterness, or the reluctance of having one character talking to the other with this piece. I did not get a sense of a continuous unwillingness to be with one another, except for at the very beginning and end. Maybe none of those things should be there, but their banter made me think it belonged. Though, if it WAS there, I was unable to pick up on it. :) Hope I somewhat helped!

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 13:34:44 -0800

I never said I disliked J.K. Rowling, I'm a big fan of her work. I like all her writing except the way she writes dialogue tags.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 13:36:00 -0800

I can see your point, but I can't stand overuse the word 'said'. It bugs me to death. And I do try for tagless dialogue, but you can have too much of it, surely? I could have written entire scenes with no dialogue tags before and it just gets confusing. XD

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 13:38:17 -0800

OK, that makes sense. I probably should have taken an extract from a more pivotal point of the story. Neither of these two are main characters so I don't need to get their thought process or background details across so much. There's definitely not much friendly dialogue going on in a lot of other parts of the book! XD

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:47:04 -0800

OK, here's another one from a completely different part of the book - a flashback from the MC - Rikani's - POV. Rikani has just told his friend Steve - they're both androids - that he wants to propose to a human woman. I haven't changed anything in my novel since people gave me critiques on the first extract I posted - I just wanted to see if I have the same problems reoccurring in other places in my novel. Also, people said they wanted to see more emotion and insight into the characters' thoughts. I hope this fits the bill. Be honest! I hope no one thinks I'm taking advantage of this thread by posting twice. XD I'm more than willing to help anyone else with their extracts. :) Somewhat predictably, Steve’s reaction wasn’t exactly what I had been hoping for. “Are you insane?!” “No,” I muttered defensively, playing with the sleeves of my sweater. The two of us were standing in the small space in the centre of the living room, where the clutter drew back a little to allow a small space in which to stand, or, in Steve’s case when he was angry, to pace to and fro. “Well, you must be. Seriously. Have you got a virus?” “No. I just updated my antivirus.” I knew he wasn’t being literal, but I felt like being obnoxious in return; I was hurt that his reaction had been quite so different to what I had been expecting. I knew I could hardly expect that he’d be happy for me, but still. “I love her.” “Love is a human thing, Rikani. We’re androids. We’re computers.” I let out a wordless growl of frustration, spun on my heel and began to pace to and fro. “I know that I love her. I want to be with her forever.” “You think you do.” “No, I know I do! Stop telling me what I think, Steve!” I snapped, and he flinched slightly in surprise. A small part of me, the part that was still meek and shy, the part of me that still remained from when I had been found confused and empty in the street outside, wanted to apologise, but I ignored it. “I want to do this!” “You’re going to get us both deactivated!” Steve growled. “You know how dangerous it is for us here even without us doing anything to draw attention to ourselves! There have been androids here for years, living undercover, getting by. And then you come along and decide you want to go and marry a human, because that obviously won’t blow your cover at all!” I had run out of things to say; I had already tried to explain to him how I felt about her, but he wasn’t willing to listen. That was all I had; all that had provoked my actions. When you loved someone, you went with your instincts, right? My instincts had told me that I wanted to marry her and no one else. “You could help me.” Steve paused in running his hand through his hair, looking towards me in incomprehension. “Help you?” “Yeah. You could... you could make me look more like a human!” Steve let out his breath in an exasperated sigh. “You’re losin’ it. Seriously.” “No, I mean it. I know an android can’t marry a human – but a human can marry another human!” The idea made perfect sense to me now I had thought about it; I could feel a triumphant grin forming on my face, but of course, Steve’s expression didn’t exactly mirror my own. “That would never work.” “And why not? It’s not like we’re registered or anything, so it’s not the same as some android on the register suddenly going missing.” “It’s not as simple as that. There are plenty of signs that would give away that you’re not human. Think of how you have to plan just to go down the shops so humans don’t interrogate you about what you’re doin’. That’s just when they know you’re an android. Imagine how much you’d have to think about and plan every single day to keep livin’ a lie and pretendin’ you’re a human.” “It’d be worth it.” “No, it wouldn’t, Rikani!” Steve slammed his hand down on the mantelpiece, causing a resounding thud that made me jump. “You’re foolin’ yourself!” “So I should just be lonely forever?” I demanded. “Yes! Because we’re androids!” “I don’t want to be an android!” Steve simply looked at me in shock at the echoes from my shout faded slowly around us in the darkened flat. Then, slowly, his expression twisted with incomprehension. “You don’t want to be an android? You want to be human?” I couldn’t look at him; I stared at my feet, nodding slowly. I had never admitted it to him before, because I knew he wouldn’t understand. Here was my proof. “But... but why?” Steve ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair and began pacing again. “Why would you want to be one of them?” “I know you hate humans, but they’re not all the same, just like us.” “Humans use us, and then they throw us away when they’re done with us, same as they do with everythin’ else,” Steve snapped, and I could see that no matter what I said, he had made up his mind about humans from his own experiences and nothing I said was going to change his opinion. “We only exist because of them!” The instant I said it, I knew he wouldn’t like it. “And in return for them creatin’ us, we should let them destroy us whenever they feel like it?” Steve demanded. “No! That’s not what I meant. I just meant... without humans, we wouldn’t be here at all.” “And don’t I know it.” Steve looked disgusted at that remark, and his voice was thick with sarcasm. “After all, I was made for Cantrell, and worked hard for them, and then when they were done with me they decided to just finish me off, except they’re so incompetent they couldn’t even manage that.” “Well, that’s a good thing!” I protested, not even sure of what I was trying to say; I just wanted to reassure him that the fact that he was still here wasn’t a bad thing. Steve scared me sometimes; it was as if one minute he was desperate to protect our existence, the next he didn’t care if he lived or died. “Is it?” Steve snorted and turned away, sweeping a pile of junk off of the nearest chair with one arm and sitting down heavily in it. He looked up at me through the curtain of dull brown hair that had fallen across his face, and I could see the age-old weariness in his features. “You really want to do this, don’t you?” Slowly, jaw set, I nodded. “I do.”

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Walk On — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:47:44 -0800

You can use actions to ground the dialogue--these can work as implied tags while avoiding any form of "said." So: "'Dialoguedialoguedialogue.' He watched her for several seconds, gauging her reaction, then turned and spat." And I understand your hesitancy to overuse "said," but I promise that "said" is an invisible word. The writer might notice it (as you are), but the reader won't. :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:07:19 -0800

Yeah, I do that quite a lot so that works OK. And haha, yeah, I need to learn to see it from a reader's perspective. Thanks for the advice! :D

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kamboolii — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 12:27:38 -0800

It's interesting, but knowing these two are androids and having one of them say "“Love is a human thing, Rikani. We’re androids. We’re computers.” made me wonder what level of emotion they should have. Then Steve proceeds to respond with three human characteristics: anger, sarcasm and disgust. Leaving me wondering, if love is a human thing, then what is anger sarcasm and disgust? How can he disparage one while openly using the others? And wouldn't Rikani notice this discrepancy and call Steve on it? The "You think you do" bit made it clear that Steve perceives the emotion of love to be a thought process. His concern and argument are logical, but not his method of delivery which are emotional. Is Steve responding to Rikani emotionally because Steve now perceives Rikani as operating emotionally due to Rikani's desire to feel love? If so, then Steve should probably recommend filtering emotional content to Rikani. Obviously emotion is the issue here, and adding a filter to remove that emotion would take care of it (or at least allow Rikani to analyze his own perceptions and motivations without having emotions be in the way while the filter is active). Also, what about mental editing? Surely Rikani should be able to trace the origins of this desire and emotion in himself. Or can he? And if he can, what would stop him from doing it? Anyway, I do find the piece interesting, and the concept is fun, but I feel like I'm missing the rules (which are probably part of the story). Androids are typically cybernetic creatures with at least some organic element. So do these androids have human brains and robot bodies? That would explain the emotion. It was well written dialog. Easy to follow.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kamboolii — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 12:33:12 -0800

“Unh. Fish for later,” declared Shoto, ambling over to them with a colorful dead fish in his hands. “Shoto has no pockets. Magic-man hold fish,” he stated, holding out the dead creature to Kamboolii. Chambeeta did not really want to put a dead fish in his pocket. “Where did you get that?” he asked Shoto. “Fountain pool,” grunted Shoto, pointing across the room to the corner. “Lots more. You want some? Unh.” “My koi!” shrieked Gorvin. “You brute! Do you have any idea of how much those cost?” he demanded. “Those are imported from Midland!” “Unh… taste good?” asked Shoto. “They aren’t for eating!” snapped the Regent. “They’re there to look at.” Shoto stared at the fish. “Shoto looked,” responded the Groll. “I’m sorry Gorvin,” sighed Chambeeta. “Shoto doesn’t really understand why anyone would keep fish in a pool and not eat them. Groll are strictly functional that way. They do keep pools of fish, but only to breed them for food. He probably thought that’s what these were for.” “Unh,” agreed Shoto. “Fish for eating.” Gorvin took the fish out of Shoto’s hands and hurried over to the pool. Placing it carefully back into the water, it floated to the surface flipping upside-down. “It’s dead,” he moaned. “Damn.” Then he noticed several of the other fish that were also floating belly-up in the pool and leaned back with a horrified look on his face. “What the Hell happened to them?” “Shoto kill them,” said Shoto. “Unh.” “You killed them ALL!?” exclaimed Gorvin. “How?” “Unh,” grunted Shoto. He reached down and flipped a lever over the top of the steel groin plate, flipping it down to expose a dirty loincloth made out of some kind of canvas fiber. Sticking his armored hand inside, he shifted the cloth and extracted his manhood from within. Aiming his giant johnson at the pool, Shoto began spraying the water with piss. “This how Shoto kill fish,” he said, although it was difficult to hear him over the thundering of the liquid. It was like a small waterfall. “AAAGG!” screamed Gorvin. “You’re PISSING in my POOL!” “Unh,” agreed Shoto. Kai, despite her best efforts, burst out laughing. Chambeeta rushed over. “Shoto,” he shouted. “Put it away. Humans don’t fish like that. They use nets.” Shoto stopped pissing and grunted. Shaking his wang over the pool to get the drops out, he stuffed it back into the loin cloth and flipped the metal groin plate back into place. CLICK! More fish popped to the surface, dead and belly-up. “Piss catch more fish than net,” he told Gorvin. “Maybe Humans learn to fish from Grolls.” “My Lord!” exclaimed Gorvin. “Your people are truly barbarians. And even if this method of fishing were even remotely considered allowable, who would want to eat fished killed with piss!?” “I don’t think they care about that,” said the ArchMage, rubbing his long white beard thoughtfully. “Although it would account for the flavor last time I had a meal with the Groll. I suppose I should have put two and two together, but I was pretty high at the time. They have these incredible mushrooms.”

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:12:08 -0800

Thanks for the crit! Yeah, my androids need a LOT of work in the rewrite, especially to do with their emotions. This is my first time writing sci-fi so I'm not doing too well, I really need to sort it all out later. =P Perhaps Rikani was thinking he was sensing emotions from Steve, since the scene is being filtered through Rikani. Or maybe not. Either way, it needs work. XD Thanks again! :D

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:36:11 -0800

May I ask what your story is about?

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kamboolii — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:01:22 -0800

I'm not sure who you are asking. Me?

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

She BElieVIEd — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:53:57 -0800

Yup. :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

miss skeletonfish — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 17:42:44 -0800

In the first line, you have two speaker tags. “Unh. Fish for later,” [declared Shoto], ambling over to them with a colorful dead fish in his hands. “Shoto has no pockets. Magic-man hold fish,” [he stated], holding out the dead creature to Kamboolii. You need only one, and it's not the latter. Some people are less picky about this than me, but I'm a said-lover. I'm of the thought train that it's best to use those invisible speaker tags in conversation than to replace them with words that may sound better, but could more than likely distract. You don't need the second speaker tag because you can assume that Shoto is still speaking. In a conversation, it's best to cut out the unnecessary narrative and let the spoken words between the characters be the emphasis; it flows better that way. Chambeeta did not really want to put a dead fish in his pocket. “Where did you get that?” [he asked Shoto.] You can assume that it is Chambeeta that is talking because it was his thought on the former line. 'Twas an amusing thought at that. But one question, is Chambeeta the same being as Kamboolii? I've not this former knowledge, but it might've appeared earlier in the story. Either way, it's a tad confusing to refer to a character by two separate names. “My koi!” [shrieked Gorvin.] “You brute! Do you have any idea of how much those cost?” [he demanded.] “Those are imported from Midland!” You do not need both; cut the latter. There are a lot of characters in here, and a lot of names used without too much of a transition between to introduce the presence of a new character. I don't have the rest of the scene, but I'm assuming that it's possible to make the assumption that they are all present and taking part in the conversation with minimal confusion. If not, then you may need to add some transitions to smooth out the bumps and sudden jerks in between characters suddenly jumping into the conversation. “Unh… taste good?” [asked Shoto.] You can tell by this point that it is Shoto talking by the noise he makes frequently in conversation; you do not need the speaker tag. “They aren’t for eating!” snapped [the Regent.] “They’re there to look at.” I'm assuming this Regent is Gorvin... Shoto stared at the fish. “Shoto looked,” [responded the Groll.] You can cut the bracketed section for better flow. The more narrative you put into conversation, the more it slows down and the less it flows. It's pretty much the same pattern of double-tagging as before. The first sentence may not seem like a tag, but it's enough to alert the reader that it is a different character that is now speaking. “Unh,” [agreed Shoto.] “Fish for eating.” By the noise and the distinctive way he speaks, you do not need the tag. In a particularly lengthy conversation, you might need one or two of these to keep the characters straight. Otherwise, you can safely hack them away. And with Shoto using his own name in conversation, once he's done it once, you can avoid using speaker tags for such sentences; it's a marked habit. “It’s dead,” [he moaned.] “Damn.” Especially in the paragraph with the part taken above, you don't need the tag. It's easier to see how it doesn't flow very well and how the tag almost interrupts the narrative in that section. “What the [Hell] happened to them?” I don't believe that "hell" is typically capitalized when used like that. Many people are adamant about avoiding the usage of caps-lock and interrobangs [?!/!?]. It makes a story all of a sudden very casual. The style of this one seems to encourage that, but it's something to be aware of. Kai all of a sudden appeared up from nowhere. It's a little confusing, considering that she wasn't mentioned before. Or mentioned entering. That's where I'm a little confused with certain parts where characters start speaking or interacting with other ones, but they have no mention of coming into the scene. The Archmage, for his...old age, seems to speak quite modernly. "...but I was pretty high at the time." Something about that feels a bit too modern-age for this presumably medieval age story. In all, if you cut out some of the speaker tags, I think the dialogue would flow better. And the story so far...that seems to rather interesting, at least with Grolls and their strange customs and fancy mushrooms.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:50:50 -0800

“You got business with me, girl?” asked the woman in blue, eyes still sharp between thin wrinkles that makeup could not completely hide. Vision swallowed, unable to meet the scarlet woman’s eyes. She rubbed sweaty palms on her legs. “Um. Not me. I mean, yes. My crew,” The scarlet woman’s eyes flashed very dangerously. The woman in blue turned her attention to Glass. “This who I’m meant to deal with?” Glass wrenched his eyes up to meet the courtesan’s cool gaze, “Um… no. We, um, were meant to see if you were interesting in dealing with us,” The woman in red smiled. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. “Gretta,” she said, “What is it you were telling me just the other day about thieves?” The older woman barked a laugh, “That I don’t like to deal with them. They’ll bring the guard down on me, they will,” Vision struggled to regain her composure, “We can come to an agreement,” she said colouring her voice with the slightest hint of threat, “It ain’t like everything here is legal,” Gretta quirked an eyebrow, “Celia, will your girl set the hounds on us?” “I don’t know,” Celia said darkly, “I don’t see my girl,” Gretta tilted her head, “Tell you what,” she said, “I’ll talk with your crew leader and I’ll deal you fair. I ain’t no snitch. But if the money don’t speak to me, there’s no deal,” “Thanks. Couldn’t expect more,” Vision said. Glass let out a nervous chuckle, “That wasn’t so bad!” Three pairs of feline female eyes locked onto him. Vision snickered and pushed her mug of alcohol into his hands, sloshing some onto his shirt. “You’ll want this in a second,” He blinked at the mug and at Vision. That was all he had time to do before Gretta grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out of the building. “You take me to your crew leader boy,” her voice carried as the door swung closed. That left Vision alone with Celia. The woman crossed her arms and watched the young thief with an unreadable expression. “Hi, Celia,” she said lamely, “I’m back,” The courtesan sniffed, “We’ll see,”

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kiddie-Icarus — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 11:19:55 -0800

The thing I liked about the excerpt was mainly the nervous feel you get from Violet. Nice job!!! :) Double check your grammar. For example, it should be :This is who I'm meant to deal with?" I know you can do whatever you want when it comes to dualities, but it was awkward to read. And also: "Gretta whirled an eyebrow and said..." because eyebrows can't speak. XD I felt a little distanced from what was going on at times because of the tags. You don't really need the line about colouring her voice with threat because when Violet says not everything is legal, her speech is already hinted with an ominous tone. Go through your excerpt and see if certain quotes can stand on their own and if tags are hindering the reading. Overall, the dialogue itself seems okay. It's just the tags that are maning it awkward to read.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kiddie-Icarus — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 11:22:30 -0800

Whoopsies, I didn't click the reply under your excerpt. XD Below is my critique for you--nice job by the way!!!! :-)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:45:29 -0800

Thanks :) About the tags, I'm pretty sure I said that to someone else a little while back. I'll check it out.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:31:15 -0800

I agree with Miss skeletonfish's feedback. Some tightening up and losing tags would help a lot. I like the unique voices of your characters which means you can especially afford to drop the tags, they distract from the flow. I enjoyed reading this as an excerpt and from what you have here I'd like to read more of the story.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:36:24 -0800

There's a good story behind this. I'm not sure if it's my thing exactly but there's enough interesting bits here to make me want to read more. Overall the text is dense so I'd go with the suggestions of losing as many tags as you can. You have developed some strong character voices and the tags interrupt the flow between them all. It is a challenging piece to write because there are a lot of speakers in the scene to keep track of. Sometimes writing is hard like that, it would be easier in a movie! I particularly like the end. The imagery is strong and the last two lines hint tantalisingly at untold story. I'd like to read more.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

rnorwood — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:53:29 -0800

Title: House of the Raven Genre: Fantasy Romance Note: This is two lovers, in bed the morning after. There's no sex in the excerpt. "I am," she agreed, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her cheek on her knees, looking at Aaron. "To say nothing of you." Aaron looked at her for a long time without saying anything. "What is it?" Keira finally asked. "What does married mean?" Keira thought before answering. "Two people committed to each other. Like Ava and Martok." "Or Eliza and me?" Keira nodded. "I'm just guessing here, but is this," and he gestured to the two of them in bed, "Taboo in your culture?" "Not sex, no. Well, yes, in some ways, but no, just having sex is, generally, not taboo." Aaron cocked his head at her. "You know what I'm asking. Have we done something wrong?" Keira scratched an itch on her knee as she thought about her answer. It didn't feel wrong, not even now, in the light of day. But modern Western sexual culture was hard to navigate. She should feel something was wrong by her old standards. "You told me last night that your situation was complex." "Not my situation," he clarified, "But the explanation. And last night I didn't feel like comparing the finer points of our cultural forms." He gave her a suggestive look and she laughed. "Me either." "My situation is simple. Eliza and I have been free to persue our interests as they arise. In matters professional and personal." "So you don't have an intimate relationship with Eliza?" "I do. But we don't believe that should limit what we can enjoy with others. As long as we don't hurt each other, of course." "So you wouldn't," she hesitated before asking such a bald question, "Have gone home with just anyone last night?" "No. I wanted you specifically." Her stomach jumped and she dug her toes into the blankets. "Would you do it again?" "Are you asking me if I would have sex with you for the first time again or if we have some kind of relationship starting here?" "Yes." He laughed and moved across the bed until he was sitting beside her, close enough that she could feel his warmth again. "Yes, I would choose to do it again." He leaned in carefully to kiss her, his lips barely brushing hers. "Do you want something to be starting here?" "Yes," she replied without thinking and startling herself. "I mean," she ducked her face, hiding against her knees. She took a deep breath and looked up to find Aaron waiting patiently. "I mean, now, today, yes. I can't promise about what will happen tomorrow." "Neither can I," Aaron agreed and kissed her again. Concerns: Is there a good mix between actions and dialogue? Are the emotions clear but not over stated? And any other feedback you wish to share.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:30:35 -0800

Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm hearing you about the tags. I've culled as many as I could without losing track of who's speaking.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kamboolii — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:06:15 -0800

It's about an ArchMage sent by an organization that regulates trade between realities. He and two others are sent to return a Princess to her home world. There are three primary organizations involved - an Empire (the Drathraq) that wants to take over everything, the regulatory agency (the Wu) that controls travel between realities, and a small Kingdom that the Drathraq Empire is currently invading on another world. The agents of the Wu must obtain the Princess from where they hid her sixteen years ago to prevent her from being assassinated. This snippet is from the scene where the ArchMage meets with the Regent of the city where the Princess has been raised as a Gardener (basically a form of warrior) on the planet Minth. He's in the middle of discussing this with the Regent when his warrior (Shoto) shows up with the fish. So this scene is part of a larger dialog that takes place before and after, talking about how the Princess has been raised and how the Regent will be paid for that service. After this scene the Princess is summoned and told who she really is and that she has to leave the place where she's been raised. Naturally, she doesn't want to leave the only place she knows, and she's in love with a boy here, so she isn't happy, which continues on in a bit of an argument.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Kamboolii — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:07:40 -0800

Thanks. That was helpful.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

DefineDreams — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:23:50 -0800

NOTE: This is from my novel, and the part where the Princess tried to convince the Queen that some of the Mary Sues have reformed and changed their ways. "We're not all Mary Sues!" exclaimed Princess. "That is not relavant." droned the Queen. "Is that so?" "Yes. That is so." Princess's left eyebrow twitched. Then Princess remarked, "Delightful! How logical you are!" "I certainly agree." "Have you ever hear of the word, sarcasm?" "On occasion from my tutors. They recommend using it when taunting my enemies while I furiously destroy all their houses and armies," replied the Queen with a straight face. The Queen then proceeded to stuff a bowl of grapes into her face. She tried to place the bowl back on the table but her short, stubby arms could not reach and dropped the bowl on the floor. She farted twice, and the smell seemed to crack the plate...and Princess's glasses. "Yes. I'm sure that you have destroyed houses..." Princess glanced at her broken glasses and the broken bowl. "Tell me, fair and majestic Queen, in what mannar do you destroy their houses?" "In the normal manner, of course." "And in what kind of mannar is that?" "The normal one, of course! Have you not been listening?" "With the highest regret, I must say yes...OH MY GOD!...is that green smoke coming from your bottom!?!" "My tutors call it "the passing of food to a higher place." "Dear god...oh...god...what did you eat..." The Princess did not finish this sentence for she was already on the floor. Her glasses where completely shattered, and you could almost hear the cries of agony coming from her nose. The Queen did not notice the collapsed girl, and in reply to her question, sniffed the air and replied with complete candor, "I think mash potatoes and roasted frog," the Queen took another two quick sniffs, "and I think I had some apple pie for desert."

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 22:35:38 -0800

Yes and yes. It's good. You've given a good description of the characters' personalities and emotions without overdoing things. The tags don't slow down the flow of the conversation but they're providing a good picture of what's going on. Without spending a lot of time scouring it for mistakes, I really can't see anything wrong in there. Nice job.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

leurz — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:41:48 -0800

Since this is supposed to be silly...i'm not sure which silliness is relevant to the story and which might be an oversight. "proceeded to stuff a bowl of grapes into her face"---is exactly what I imagined. Not just the grapes. The bowl also turned into a plate, then back to bowl. Does the queen have little t-rex arms? I imagined that too. The princess is glancing at her glasses? Does that mean they aren't on her face? Wouldn't broken glasses interfere with her ability to glance efficiently? I think this is character revealing for the queen, (good job!) but not for the princess. You mentioned that she is trying to convince the queen, but gave up on that after two lines of dialogue. C'mon princess, you can try harder than that! I think the princess should try to change the subject back to the Mary Sues rather than politely asking the queen about her conquests, and if something whimsical is going on, make sure the audience knows it's intentional with extra description: The queen chomped a bite size hunk of out of the bowl along with the entire vine of grapes. (Consider this bullet point checked if you've already described the queen's t-rex arms and propensity for eating dishes)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

leurz — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:44:39 -0800

Blast! Messed up the nest. Sorry.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

DefineDreams — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:51:44 -0800

Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it. This story, I intended to have a whimsical hint to it but it's also kind of a politcal novel. Princess (this is actually her name . xD) has a short attention span...I'm not sure if you can tell that or if you interpret that differently but that was what I intended it to be. I was trying to make Princess seem like she has a very sarcasm manner but I do agree that I think I should use more description to protray that better. Thanks for the review!

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

leurz — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:11:26 -0800

Wow, this whole conversation surprised me, since Rowling is often criticized for her (some think) excessive use of adverbs in dialog tags! I think adverbs are tolerated/forgiven more in YA in general. I'm a bit late to this party, though, huh?

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:53:06 -0800

Okay, this bit is the FMC's brother's second death scene (scary sounding, right?). I've been accused of short-changing emotions in scenes like this, so I'd like to know what you think. Thanks in advance. (There's a little bit of swearing). “I heard Rosie and Celia talking. They’re both passed out on the floor now. I gather they fixed me up but Rosie don’t have enough magic energy. Or something. Reckon I have to die again. Heard Rosie say you got grabbed, so I came here before I cark it,” She was crying on him. She didn’t realise until he reached up with burning fingers to brush away a tear. “I’ve hated mam for leaving us. Hated her for a long time. Now it looks like I gotta leave you too. Don’t hate me, okay?” She trapped his hand against his cheek, “Never,” “I remember our last talk. Said something about money, didn’t I?” She nodded wordlessly. “That ain’t what I want to leave with you,” “What do you want to say?” she whispered. He grinned the grin that had earned him his name, “Gotta say it last, don’t I? Business first,” “Okay,” He fumbled a small knife from his belt, “I don’t… neither of us can handle this thing a second time. End it early, before it hurts again,” She couldn’t touch the weapon, “I can’t,” “Protect yourself. I know the last time wrecked you. Don’t do it for me; do it for you. You need it. You gotta start learning to look out for yourself, now I’m buggered,” “I—” “Golden,” She took the knife with unsteady hands. “Don’t slice me too bad. Make it quick,” She nodded. He couldn’t see it but he felt it against his hand. “Does dying hurt?” “No. Dying’s the easy bit. It’s being fucked up that don’t feel too good,” “I don’t wanna hurt you,” “I love you baby sister. I’m sorry I couldn’t do right by you,” “I love you too,”

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Alice Majella — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 04:37:05 -0800

The dialogue was good. I found it pretty realistic, except perhaps the very opening lines, where I felt it was a little lacking in emotions. It might depend on the setting, but just throwing phrases like 'both passed out on the floor' and 'I have to die again' without stumbling over the words at all didn't seem quite right. I struggled a little with telling who was speaking as well. I think it might be quite obvious given actual context, but I'm pretty tired. A few more dialogue tags wouldn't hurt though. =)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

fuzz — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 06:59:46 -0800

Arrgh, thanks. You're right, I've got soap opera dialogue. I have to find some other way to let people know exactly what just happened but it didn't seem like a good spot for an info-dump. I guess it's still an info dump if I waste a line of dialogue on it. I appreciate the critique.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

VKyznetsov — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:52:45 -0800

Okay, this is from the backstory of what will be next year's nano. I feel like I need to re-write it, but I'm not sure how. My main concern is showing characterization through dialogue. Concrit? “Is that a [i]fire-axe[/i]?” Stanislaus’s eyebrows disappeared beneath his overgrown hair. “Maybe…” Jan’s grip on the axe’s handle tightened a little. “Why do you have an axe?!” Stanislaus asked. “Why did you say you were only going to be gone for two weeks?!” Jan growled. “I thought you were done with sharp things!” Stanislaus stared at the axe in horrified fascination. There were spots on it of uncertain origin- possibly rust, possibly blood, hard to tell from where he was standing, out of range. “I thought you were done with abandoning me like left luggage!” Jan countered. “How could you think I was abandoning you?” Stanislaus was genuinely confused. “You left me [i]alone[/i] in this horrible city for two months! What was I supposed to think?” [i]Possibly that I was dead?[/i] Stanislaus thought to himself, but didn’t dare express that particular opinion to his enraged friend. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. Someone had to defuse the situation, after all. And get the axe away from Jan before anything unfortunate happened. “It took longer than I thought it would-where did you get that axe?” Jan blinked, then looked at the axe he was holding like he’d never seen it before. After a moment he carefully, slowly laid it on the ground behind his desk. “I found it. Can we stop talking about it?” he forced a smile that was not very convincing. “Can I have it, please?” Stanislaus asked. “You don’t need it, you have a gun,” Jan countered, taking his seat behind the desk and crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “Not going to do me much good without ammunition, is it?” Stanislaus asked, taking his stolen Luger from his coat pocket. Jan’s eyes widened. “You-“ Stanislaus shook his head. “No, I didn’t have to shoot my way out of anywhere, but I did have to give my ammo to someone else to hold onto for me.” “That makes no sense at all,” Jan frowned. “I hope we can find room for one more,” Stanislaus said and waved for Anna to come out of her hiding place down the hall. Jan grinned. “You did it?! Oh thank God… I was starting to wonder if we’d ever hear from Warsaw… I…” Anna entered the room, brushing off dust from her coat. Stanislaus wondered where she’d hidden that she’d gotten so dusty, but quickly dismissed the thought. Jan gaped. “You’re staring,” Stanislaus pointed out. “She’s a woman,” Jan said stupidly. “Warsaw sent us a woman?” “Not quite,” Stanislaus said. Jan groaned softly and tapped his head against the surface of his cluttered desk. “Not another poor soul, Stanislaus… for the love of everything! We’re a Resistance, not a Traveller’s Aid Society!” “She has nowhere else to go, Jan,” Stanislaus said. “That’s hardly my fault, is it?” Jan snapped. “You were sent to get our orders, and you came back with a helpless civilian! I can’t see how you confused the two!” Stanislaus took a deep breath. “Jan, I never made it to Warsaw.” “What?” “It wasn’t safe.” “Sneaking around your own occupied country is not generally considered to be safe, and since when have you of all people ever cared about safe?” Jan demanded to know.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

VKyznetsov — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:54:23 -0800

Sorry, my italics didn't work... *sigh* I'd give a lot for an 'edit' button for these posts...

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

cursive — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:39:05 -0800

To me the key to good dialogue is intercalation and you do it exceptionally well. Stan's eyebrows disappearing into his hair is priceless and Jan tightly gripping the axe really sets up his disposition well. I hear Jan's voice to be a high pitched whining which increasingly registers at a higher pitch as the dialogue progresses. They're definitely distinct voices and for that alone the dialogue succeeds.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

ELOAgent — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:44:31 -0800

“He doesn’t-“ "Make you laugh.” Her head snapped up, meeting his gaze levelly. “Carter, don’t. You can’t feel this way about me,” she swallowed thickly, “Please…” This was the most earnest she had ever seen Carter Hampton as he got in her face and continued. “He doesn’t drive you crazy. Your heart doesn’t speed up when you’re around him. He’s solid, like a rock you can hold onto, but aren’t you tired of clinging, Dana? Isn’t this insolent boy’s love killing you, slowly? You’ve clung to powerful men, to hold you up, but when the tough decisions come where’s the fearless woman who wouldn’t let one man bring her down, huh?” She couldn’t answer. He went on. “I drive you insane, I push you past every limit and you love every minute I get under your skin. You need somebody who’ll get all your anger out on and will fight back with a passion, somebody who won’t handle you like glass, but rather treat you like an equal. That fearless woman is there and I know you feel that he’s the best choice, but I love you, Dana, and I need you in my life. So I’m going to make one last plea and then, if clinging to Erik is what makes you happy...I’ll let you go.” “Aren’t you tired of this game we play? We can play games all our life, we can dance around the truth, but you know that just assurance isn’t enough. Our world is broken, unstable, but you need me as much as I need you.” How can she choose between them? Both men proved time and time again of their worth. She knew she shouldn’t even be considering Carter after all the pain he caused her, but he was changing slowly. She’d seen a first-hand account of it herself over the past few months. The problem with choosing between Carter and Erik was the fact that there was everything to lose and everything to gain, no matter which man she picked. It wasn’t equal or fair and it didn’t make her feel any better knowing no matter how she made her choice, she was going to break a man’s heart to pieces. Erik h offered her normalcy, safety, assurance and love—something Dana had craved long before she became a criminal. He offered her a normal life with children and friends who didn’t wield lethal weapons. Then there was Carter. He’d been her first love, the man to crack open the layers of steel she’d built up and show her what it meant to love someone with your entire heart, only to tear her own heart into pieces. But she’d seen him change and realized he was capable of becoming a good man, a better one than he was. It would take time but she could crack through the steel armor protecting one of the kindest hearts; Dana had ever witnessed. The benefits weighed out past actions and Dana could no longer begrudge Carter faking his death. The past was in the past, this was the future, and her decision would affect them all. She could see herself with both of them—but the real question was: who to choose. Would she choose the sun or the moon, fire and ice, or hot-fudge and halibut? It was equally impossible and frustrating. Whenever she was around Erik, Dana felt she could stay in his arms and life a normal civilian life. That she could take the final step and buy the house in the suburbs with the perfect white picket fence and red door. That they could grow old together, sitting on the back porch and watching their grand-children play in the back-yard. Carter was an entirely different story. She no longer knew where they stood and how they could ever truly be together. She loved him once, and she still did, despite all the hurting he’d caused her—despite everything he’d put her through, her love for him couldn’t be erased. He was still her first love and no matter how hard you tried you could never forget you first love. They stayed with you, ingrained permanently in your memories as the one who shaped you into the person you were today. In truth, he was the itch she had never been able to stop scratching, and Dana wasn’t so sure she wanted that itch to go away. He professed his love over and over, but did he really mean it? Love was more than having fun with someone, it was more than hate and anger and bitterness, it was the emotion that helped you get out of bed every morning. It was the emotion that had driven her to avenging his death, it was what had brought Dana as far as she had come in the past six years, and it was what was bringing her to the final chapter she needed to close in her life. Whether she could forgive Carter and love him in the future. She had spent years imagining what their lives would’ve been like if he hadn’t died in that fire. Dana would’ve like to imagine they would’ve been happy. That the dark-haired children, a girl and a boy would be running through the halls of the Reeves Manor as she had when she was a child, climbing banisters and sliding down with squeals of joy—as she and Carter watched from afar, with equally happy smiles on their faces. That they would’ve survived whatever obstacles tried to come between them because their love was stronger than d that their love was stronger than anything she had ever experienced. Dana wanted to believe him when he said everything would be different; she truly did, but there was always something in their past preventing her from moving onto the future—their future—if they still had one together. Her eyes were glimmering with tears. She was sure he didn’t know what to make of it. Dana, herself, wasn’t sure whether it was rejection or anger or a sorrowful apology. Perhaps it was an end to something that once was great and could be again if they tried and he couldn’t stand to lose? She didn’t know. “I’m sorry,” he said, taking a deep breath. She stared at him knowingly, as he gathered the words. “I’m sorry for being a jerk and leaving you when you needed me most. I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you this–Erik’s great and I want you to be happy, but I can’t let you go through with this. Not without hearing my side of the story. I should have told you this a long time ago.” She gave him a tremulous smile and he shook his head. “I love you, Dana. Not having you in my life would royally suck. I’ve loved you six years ago, but I love you even more today. You’ve embraced the darkness inside of you and it doesn’t scare me anymore. I want this. I need this chance...” She tried to interrupt him, he cut her off. “I know that what we have might not be as reassuring as what Erik can give you—but sometimes love is worth that leap of faith. I’ve thought of all the reasons not to be with you and the list of not having you with me is longer than my copy of War and Peace.” His throat closed up. “I love when I wake up to you beside me, and the way you smile at me, like I’m your entire world. I love your fire and your passion and how driven you are. I love how you fight me on anything and everything we do. I love how you never given in, and when defeat is so close, you stay strong and immovable...I love that, I need that stability you bring to my life and I can’t lose it. “I need you, Dana, and I know he does too, but I can be a good man, I’ll spend every last moment we have for the rest of our lives proving that to you. Don’t say anything now...think about what I said. Okay?’ Dana nodded and hesitantly pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” she said quietly, “I’ll call you…we have something to talk about…all three of us and what’s going to happen next…” “I want the truth,” Carter finally said. “Not what you think it should be, not what you want it to be. I want what’s real. Do you love him?” “Yes…but…” “No buts. You hesitated, you’re indecisive. Until you know what you want, you and I have nothing to talk about.” Dana swallowed hard, unable to answer. A shiver shimmied through her, because the way he stared at her never failed to astound Dana. Like he loved her with this savage, untamable passion and hated her at the same time. Their relationship was as volatile and unstable as an atomic bomb. Yet…she wished she could say she loved him…in some way she always would, but Dana’s love for the both of them prevented her from crying out and saying so... Carter slid his hand across the invisible barrier between them, encasing Dana’s hand in his own. And she let him, smiling slowly. “Think about what I said, and if you can’t decide, we have nothing to talk about.” Then Carter turned and walked out of the empty room leaving Dana to her decision and her thoughts.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

BloodRoseAngel — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:31:47 -0800

Really? Haha, I didn't know that. Each to their own, I guess. A lot of it depends on the reader. X3

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Celticsmc12 — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 10:12:51 -0800

Very fluent! I saw grammatical errors, but that's not for this thread!

Re: Fluent Dialogue

Eyes of Fire — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 03:21:08 -0800

This is right after Kelsie had a nightmare. Is it fluent? :) “Are you all right?” her Mom cried. She rushed in to smother Kelsie in a hug. “Another nightmare.” Kelsie whispered, her entire body trembling. Kelsie felt her Mom’s shoulders slump. She squeezed Kelsie harder, as if trying to stop the shaking. “What happened?” her Mom asked. “I . . . I don’t want to repeat it.” Kelsie replied, her voice muffled by her Mom’s embrace. Her Mom finally let go of her. Kelsie took in a deep breath. “It might help to tell me,” her Mom pried, “It always helped me when I had nightmares.” Kelsie remained deadly silent. She didn’t see the point in telling her parents. They wouldn’t be able to do anything. When the nightmares had started a few months before, her parents didn’t know what to do. Kelsie had tried nearly everything, but no matter how desperate she got the nightmares kept getting worse and worse. Kelsie snapped back to the present when her Dad suggested, “Why don’t you try to go back to sleep Kelsie? We can talk about this in the morning.” “I can’t!” Kelsie cried, “I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has helped; nothing has stopped these nightmares. It isn’t right for someone to be afraid to go to sleep every night. It isn’t right . . .” Kelsie’s voice trailed off, finally ending in a quiet cry. “I know,” her Mom soothed, “When I was your age I had bad nightmares too.” “You don’t know!” cried Kelsie, pulling farther away from her Mom, “You don’t. Did you have nightmares that went on and on, that seemed so—so real?” There was an awkward silence between mother and daughter. Finally her Dad said, “Kelsie, just try sleeping again . . . please?” Kelsie nodded weakly, too tired to argue anymore.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

onesecondglance — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 04:48:04 -0800

I would change some of the punctuation - I can't help but read dialogue aloud in my head, and punctuation tells me tone of voice and phrasing. For instance: the semicolon in the sentence "Nothing has helped; nothing has stopped these nightmares." Whilst this is grammatically correct, I "hear" it as quite a formalised sentence structure, typical of a lawyer or businessman - not a child breaking down from a nightmare. I'd use dashes or ellipses (...) to break this up instead. Likewise, should she say "It isn't right" or "It's not right"? I think the latter would flow a little better. "Not" carries more negative than "isn't", emphasising her negative feelings about the situation more. The other thing that stands out to me is the avoidance of "said". One or two uses of alternative dialogue tags is fine to break it up - but it's like you're deliberately trying to use different terms, and it gets quite distracting by the end of even such a small segment as this. I also don't like "pried" and "soothed" as dialogue tags - I'd rather you described how her mother was prying or soothing than just telling us right out. Reading this back, I've come across quite negatively, which wasn't my intention. The things I'm pointing out are really very minor! Anyway, I hope it's helpful to you.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

Eyes of Fire — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 11:37:58 -0800

Thanks for the suggestions! I will definitely fix the problems! Thanks! :)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

Ankhesenamun — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:31:45 -0800

The main thing that strikes me here is the number of times their names are repeated. Not every line of dialogue needs a tag, especially when there are only two people talking and they aren't doing anything narration-worthy. For example, in the first few lines: “Is that a [i]fire-axe[/i]?” Stanislaus’s eyebrows disappeared beneath his overgrown hair. “Maybe…” Jan’s grip on the axe’s handle tightened a little. “Why do you have an axe?!” “Why did you say you were only going to be gone for two weeks?!” The dialogue tags on those last two are really unecessary because its easy to tell who's talking.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

DeaMaxwell — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:53:10 -0800

This was the second or third scene I wrote, when I was still trying to get a handle on these characters, so I'd like to know what you think of the dialogue. (Waterstones and W.H. Smith, by the way, are both bookshops, for those of you who aren't English.) --- The first time she calls, there's the quiet murmur of Vivaldi in the background. "You do realise that I'm on holiday, right?" "Yeah, well, Jones is refusing to sign anything on my say-so; His official line is he wants to know whether you, specifically, think it's best for him, but I'm pretty sure he just doesn't trust me." Harley makes a quiet noise of thought, then there's a crash, the sound of phone against fabric and a muffled, "I'm on the phone, dickweed!" But it's without heat, like the sea air has smoothed out all of Harley's rough edges, and Mina smiles. "Sorry about that," her boss says with the tone of voice that implies an eyeroll, "some people have no manners." "Kid brother?" "Cousin. Close enough though. Anyway, you can tell Jones that yes, this is what I think's best for him and his company. Try not to have any more crises until I get back, okay, rookie?" And then she puts the phone down. Mina huffs out a laugh and puts her mobile back on the coffee table. *** The next time she calls, there's no music in the background, just lots of noise. Mina forgets for a second what she was going to ask, instead blurts out, "Where are you?" "In town." "What?" "In the city centre. Waterstones, actually, in the line at the Costa--" and then slightly quieter, like Harley's holding the phone away from her mouth, "A small latte and a millionaire's shortbread, please." "Waterstones?" Mina asks, grinning. "Really? I had you pegged as a Smith's kinda gal." She can practically see the sneering curl of Harley's lips. "You disgust me, rookie. I take it you had something to ask, or did you just call me to disrupt my afternoon?" "Oh, yeah! Hey, could you pick me up a copy of Shakespeare's Complete Works, seeing as you're there? I'll pay you back, I swear." "You don't have a copy?" Harley asks, like it's sacrelige to not own all of the Bard's plays. Which it kind of is, actually. "No, I do, but I don't have them all in one work and I'd like to keep one I haven't annotated." She can just imagine the look on Harley's face, the utter horror at the idea of desecrating a book, so she adds, "Stop making that face. Anyway, yeah, I wanted to know where you keep your rolodex, or whatever, because I can't for the life of me find Foul's number anywhere, and I need to get back to him about this manuscript I've just polished off." The eye-roll is practically audible, and so is the mutter that sounds something like, "A rolodex, really?" Then Harley sighs down the line, quietly thanks whoever's working behind the bar at the Costa Coffee for her drink and agressively sweet shortcake, and says, "Foul doesn't trust technology. His stuff should be in one of my desk drawers. Lower right. Pip's got spares if it's locked. Which it should be." "Right. Thanks!" Mina chirps, and Harley sighs again, doesn't even reply before she hangs up. "Mean," Mina mutters at the phone, then hauls herself off the couch from under a mountain of paper to ask Pip for a key to the desk and then prepares to spend the better part of the rest of the afternoon trawling through Harley's terrible bottom-drawer filing system.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

littlewonder — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 09:04:02 -0700

There's nothing clunky about, "Come and try out for the play with me." It depends on how direct your character is. Your paragraph is clunky, not that first line. I don't think there are too many tags. A few could be removed, maybe. But remove too many, and you leave your audience confused. The rule is 3 omissions max, I think; at least, it's the one I always abide by. But if you paragraph descriptions with lines, tags should be there, too. I agree that the dialogue sounds natural though, despite the grammar mistakes. I smiled to myself when I read "it is to me," having felt like I've been there too.

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

littlewonder — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 09:08:38 -0700

Good point about repetition on that last line you mentioned. Personally, my problem with that line was that 'I retorted' seemed kind of clunky after the exclamation point.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

AsbesdosMoth — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 11:26:28 -0700

NOTE: In this scene, the main character, Kayzenine, has been saved from death and has been dragged into hiding by his new aquaintance, the pale stranger. The pale stranger took a draw from his long, thin pipe; the smoke carried a thick, pungeant smell that Kayzenine could not place. He could see the stranger's blue eyes focus sharply, and shroud themselves with an otherworldly veil. Kayzenine felt his gut sink; he had been pulled from death by some fancifully dressed, smoke-addled noble, one unlikely to even remember these events by morning, he figured. Time pulled at him like a choke chain, there was no time for setbacks. Whatever this pale man wanted, Kayzenine thought, it was not worth his time. Kayzenine leaned across the table, "If you've nothing to say--" "I do, sir!" The pale man exclaimed, "I have very much to say." he spoke with a manner strange to Kayzenine, an odd deliberance and clarity. The stranger returned quickly to his pipe, sucking at it like a starving babe at the teat. Kayzenine continued to watch this lithe, richly-dressed figure who drew hard on burning poisons, who spoke with a strange deliberance and clarity of voice. Satisfied, the pale man let out a last spurt of smoke. "You see, I find a man like you very interesting." He spoke through a cloud. "I've heard them who take to the pipe can find anything interesting." The pale man eyed the thin lines of smoke trailing the room, "Yes. Some fascinating things can be found in this country." He smoked again, "And it does tend to lighten these uneasy times." Kayzenine sat up straight, that feeling of contempt arising again, "And your solution is to drug yourself into stupidity?" "Not at all. But it's all I have had to do. And why not? " The pale man shouted. "Enemies at the gate, enemies inside the gate, enemies are guarding the damn gate! Just look around any squalid a hole as this and you will see many people with reason to kill you. To kill us both." His eyes began to wonder, his hands waved about, leaving trails of smoke behind. Kayzenine stared silently for a moment, his brow deeply furrowed, the stench beginning to truely irritate him. "Do you have something to say worth my time, pipe?" Kayzenine inquired impatiently. "Yes, yes, of course." He blurted angrily, still keeping his strangely clear voice, "You see, I have been waiting for someone like you, sir." "What do you mean?" Kayzenine queried, holding the threads of his patience. The pale man smirked again, and leant over the table, staring straight into Kayzenine's eyes "I have a need to get through the gate and cross the Tail. And I recall seeing you, trying exactly that, and nearly getting some new holes put in you." The pale man smiled. "Watch your mouth, pipe." Kayzenine commanded the stranger. "Just calm down!" The pale man laughed, rocking back his chair, "I know a way through, friend, and I'm offering to show it to you! We can both get across the Tail and forget about each other as soon as we hit the borders." Kayzenine fell silent at this man's appealing ravings, he pondered this smokey, thin man. "Why should I believe this?" "I am not a man for lying, sir! My price for this information is that we help each other, I give you a way across the Tail and into the desert, and in return, you accompany me as far as the southern border. This is why I saved your hide from the gatekeepers, I need a man of greater...base skills than myself. It's a good deal, I would say, and it doesn't pit you alone against the gatekeepers." "What could be important enough to send a man like you into the desert." "Politics, sir." the pale man smiled, and drew on his pipe. "In this country, it is always politics."

Re: Fluent Dialogue

ShinyPebbles — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 03:25:02 -0700

[quote=AsbesdosMoth]The pale stranger took a draw from his long, thin pipe; the smoke carried a thick, pungeant smell that Kayzenine could not place. He could see the stranger's blue eyes focus sharply, and shroud themselves with an otherworldly veil. Kayzenine felt his gut sink; he had been pulled from death by some fancifully dressed, smoke-addled noble, one unlikely to even remember these events by morning, he figured. Time pulled at him like a choke chain, there was no time for setbacks. Whatever this pale man wanted, Kayzenine thought, it was not worth his time. [/quote] The actual words of the dialogue are good - complex without being stilted, conveying emotion without being overblown. The two personalities are conveyed clearly, and are interesting. Most of my comments are about the narrative instead. Also, some comments on the punctuation of the dialog - you're sometimes punctuating a beat (an action that accompanies dialogue) as if it's a tag (a phrase that specifically attributes a line of dialog, like, "Joe said.") and vice versa. I think that you're over-attributing thoughts and sensory impressions in the first paragraph above, linking them to Keyzenin when you don't need to. As an example of breaking those links: "The pale stranger took a draw from his long, thin pipe; the smoke carried a pungent, unfamiliar smell. The man's eyes focused sharply and shrouded themselves with an otherworldly veil. Keyzenin's gut sank; he had been pulled from death by some fancifully dressed, smoke-addled noble, one unlikely to even remember these events by morning. Time pulled like a choke chain; there was no time for setbacks. Whatever this pale man wanted, it was not worth the time." I've changed very few of your core words, but I've eliminated the assertions that Keyzenin thought/saw/figured, because the reader knows that without being told. Keyzenin is the viewpoint character, so whatever the reader experiences, he knows he's experiencing through him. > "I do, sir!" The pale man exclaimed, You seem to be avoiding the use of the word "said", and are instead using exclaimed, shouted, inquited, queried, blurted, commanded, laughed. Don't be afraid of "said" - it's almost always the right word to use. It's invisible, while all of those synonyms attract attention and distract from the flow of the dialogue. The places where you avoid "said" _or_ a synonym, by instead including an action by the speaker, are just dandy. > "I have very much to say." > he spoke with a manner strange to Kayzenine, an odd deliberance Again, no need for the "to Kayzenine". I'll stop pointing to every explicit link between the action and Kayzenine's senses, and just note again that most of them can be removed. > Kayzenine sat up straight, that feeling of contempt arising > again, "And your solution is to drug yourself into stupidity?" The words make the contempt clear; there's no need to also explain the feeling. > Kayzenine stared silently for a moment, his brow deeply furrowed, > the stench beginning to truely irritate him. > > "Do you have something to say worth my time, pipe?" Kayzenine > inquired impatiently. These two paragraphs should be together, since the action and words are by the same character. You may be following a rule that a new speech always requires a new paragraph, but that's not true when the previous paragraph describes the actions of the speaker. Separating these is unnecessary and also makes it hard to be sure who "he" is in the next paragraph. Also, the words make the impatience clear; no need to explain it. > "Yes, yes, of course." He blurted angrily, I'd try to make the words convey the anger, so that you can lose "angrily." Also, a minor punctuation issue - this is a tag punctuated as if it's a beat. It should be: "Yes, yes, of course," he blurted angrily, > "What do you mean?" Kayzenine queried, holding the threads of his > patience. Here, the waning patience isn't clear, but I would try to make it clear with the words, so you can eliminate the explanation. As you can tell, I don't like explanations in dialogue. :) You've got a wealth of potential character words and actions and gestures available to you, so abandoning the effort to communicate using them, and instead just explaining, is IMO a sort of defeat. > The pale man smirked again, and leant over the table, staring > straight into Kayzenine's eyes "I have a need to get through the > gate and cross the Tail. And I recall seeing you, trying exactly > that, and nearly getting some new holes put in you." The pale man > smiled. Here, you can afford "He smiled." because this is already the pale man's paragraph. > "Watch your mouth, pipe." Kayzenine commanded the stranger. I think that switching between "the pale man" and "the stranger" and "the smokey, thin man" and other ways of referring to the stranger, is awkward. I realize that the motivation is probably to avoid repetition, but I think that like the synonyms for "said", it distracts more than it helps. > "Just calm down!" The pale man laughed, rocking back his chair, Another punctuation issue - this is a beat punctuated like a tag. There should be a period after 'chair' instead of a comma. > "I know a way through, friend, and I'm offering to show it to > you! We can both get across the Tail and forget about each other > as soon as we hit the borders." > > Kayzenine fell silent at this man's appealing ravings Another explanation, though this one is probably the most useful in the piece, plus I like the phrase "appealing ravings." So I'd behave as if you have a very small "explanation quota". Kill all of the other explanations and keep this one. >, he > pondered this smokey, thin man. The man's been described - I wouldn't add more description at this point. > "Politics, sir." the pale man Beat, punctuated as tag. The "the" should be capitalized. > smiled, and drew on his pipe. Again: Good characters, good dialogue. You distract from that dialogue, IMO, by over-attributing the experience to Kayzenine, using too many synonyms for "said", using too many phrases to identify "the pale man", and adding explanations for things that you've either made clear, or could make clear, with the dialogue.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

ShinyPebbles — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 03:36:51 -0700

[quote=DeaMaxwell] This was the second or third scene I wrote, when I was still trying to get a handle on these characters, so I'd like to know what you think of the dialogue. (Waterstones and W.H. Smith, by the way, are both bookshops, for those of you who aren't English.) [/quote] I like the characters. I like the dialogue. I like the mood. I like the well-controlled air of minor whackiness. Don't let the comments below drown out the fact that I like this. > ...But it's without heat, like the sea air has smoothed > out all of Harley's rough edges, and Mina smiles. "Sorry about > that," her boss says with the tone of voice that implies an > eyeroll, "some people have no manners." I would take out "her boss" and just accept repeating "Harley", because "her boss" breaks the flow. > And then she puts the phone down. To me "puts the phone down" is something that I would _see_; I'd have to be in the room with Harley. Since Mina is the viewpoint, that feels like an error. To express what the person on the other end of the call would perceive, I'd say "hangs up". This may be a British versus American phrasing, and perhaps "puts the phone down" means to you exactly what "hangs up" means to me. > The next time she calls, there's no music in the background, just > lots of noise. Mina forgets for a second "a second" feels just the tiniest bit too informal here. I find myself wanting "a moment". Again, you're British(?), I'm American, so that may be the issue. > "In town." "What?" I realize this may be intended to indicate rapid-fire conversation, but here I want the usual paragraph break between speakers; I get confused and distracted without it. > Then Harley sighs > down the line, quietly thanks whoever's working behind the bar at > the Costa Coffee for her drink and agressively sweet shortcake, "aggressively sweet shortcake" seems like a fact from Harley's point of view, and our point of view is Mina.

Re: Fluent Dialogue

DeaMaxwell — Tue, 01 May 2012 06:07:51 -0700

Thankyou! I get what you mean about putting the phone down vs hanging up, so I'll probably change that. I have this habit of using single line breaks for conversation, unless there's action tucked in there as well. "Agressively sweet shortcake" is one-hundred percent Mina's view of it, really. (She totally doesn't get how Harley can eat something with half an inch of caramel on it.) Thankyou again. It's always nice to hear someone likes your writing. (Minor whackiness sums up the whole thing, really.)

Re: Fluent Dialogue

PotatoPasta — Wed, 09 May 2012 08:56:26 -0700

“Hey, why aren’t you eating?” Matthew pointed at Steven with his spatula, noticing he hadn’t touched his food all evening. “Oh, I’m not hungry” Steven shook his head, refusing to look at the large plate of food before him. Everything looked really delicious, but anxiety made it impossible for him to eat. What’s the point of eating if worry is just going to consume you anyway? “Hey, I’ve worked hard on this food, the least you could do is eat it!” “I-I’m sorry!” Steven apologized, picking up his fork and eating his food. “Hey, it’s alright, I don’t want cha’ to feel forced to eat my food. You don’t have t’ eat it if you’re not hungry.” “No, it’s okay!” Steven reassured, continuing to stuff his face. “It’s all good anyway! Yeah, the best food I’ve had in a while!” “Thanks, kid—I mean, Master Steven.” Matthew nodded and took his seat at the table. “Well, now that I’m done, may I be excused to go upstairs?” “Why yes you may.” William bowed and got up from the table. “Thank you for the wonderful meal, Matthew, a job well done as usual.” He followed behind Steven and opened the door slightly. “What’s the matter, young master?” “Nothing’s wrong.” Steven replied, keeping a smile on his face. “Why do you ask?” “You wanted to leave the dinner table early and you seemed to not have an appetite. Is something bothering you?” “Nothing’s bothering me William, I’m fine.” “Alright then,” William nodded and made his way back to the door. “Goodnight, young master. Have a nice rest, and be sure to wake up bright and early tomorrow.” “Goodnight, William!” Steven waved at William as he left the room. The door shut slowly, signalling that Steven could put off the act of being happy. Not that living in such an extravagant house or being served was anything bad, but he didn't feel at home. And most of all, he really missed his best friend. (This is from something I haven't gone back to edit in a long while, so sorry if it's not all that well-written.)

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

ej runyon — Thu, 17 May 2012 02:15:19 -0700

Dialog can be hard. My advice is this: Good storytelling shows how it sounded as she said it. It paints a litle picture of what is behind the words being spoken. we normally give the words then a verb for the facts: “I hate this place,” she growled. But how did it sound as she said it? At the least ask yourself: What does a growl sound like? Can you go farther and mean growled without using that word? (action while speaking) “I hate this place.” Her fingers thump like a jack hammer on the sticky bar. or (description by metaphor of her voice, or of what was said) “I hate this place.” Her voice a captive; resigned to the chains. or “I hate this place,” she said. The first bead of a rosary, an old prayer she’ll recite the long night through. How can a tired (because we expect it) verb like 'growled' compare with setting a scene in any of the other ways? That's all from this website: www.bridgetostory.com

Re: FLUENT DIALOGUE?

ej runyon — Thu, 17 May 2012 02:20:57 -0700

I agree. See my post up thread on this. You can use said or not, but replacing it with an over use of tags, isn't always the answer - where you might do as Walk On (and I) suggest and ground the dialog.