Critique on your opening line.

AsbesdosMoth — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:03:48 -0600

Simple enough. Post your opening sentence and get feedback from other members. Try to give fair, constructive criticism to your peers, and don't lash out at someone for expressing their opinion. If you don't agree with their criticism, try to act in a civil manner when replying. Only post your first sentence. I'll start. 'He stared into ancient glass, and saw only the darkness.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 22:55:20 -0600

I really like it, it catches my attention and is intriguing, leaving me to wonder what is going on. However, I don't know if it is personal preference but I think it would be a bit more intriguing if you added - He stared into *the* ancient glass - it would make me wonder what kind of ancient glass - though your original line does that as well:) But, I like it either way, so, great job! Here is mine for the most recent thing I'm working on: To be honest the young ruler did not seem to entirely appreciate the festivities laid out before him. Critique away! I never feel as though my opening lines are very stellar . . .

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Princeshelby — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 23:29:14 -0600

It's okay. There isn't a lot of attention grabbing or conflict or anything, but that doesn't necessarily have to be in the first sentence. I know, I'im such a rule breaker, but I'll post two sentences (since the first is so short). The noise. It wouldn't stop for anything.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fuzz — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:12:21 -0600

(Fair enough. Let's call it one sentence with punctuation). I do think I'd read on, so it's doing it's job. I don't think it's something I'd remember by the middle of the book but it's grabbing enough to pull people in, which is what you need it to do. (I'm sorry. I'm terrible at critiquing single sentences). Here's mine: "I am either the world’s greatest fool or Apera’s greatest hero,"

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 08:54:43 -0600

@ AsbesdosMoth Ilike it, but I agree with ArtsyGal, you should add a the. Very intriguing @ ArtsyGal I think you have a good start, I'm already curious about the ruler and the festivities. . My comment would be to lose the adverb, you don't need it. @Princeshelby Your opener is interesting. Even though it doesn't set up the story the way that ArtsyGal's does, it is enough to make me want to continue reading. @fuzz Your opening line made me laugh which is always a good sign.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 08:55:42 -0600

My opening line is "I wish someone in a position of power would pass legislation reinstating the guillotine. "

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:18:59 -0600

@naggingdilemma Ha! I like it, both because why would the guillotine need to be reinstated, and what a wonderfully instrument to wish to be reinstated.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:02:28 -0600

For the original poster, I disagree, I much prefer the sentence without the word the, it seems more mysterious and the word the seems as if it implies a small halt in the sentence. I'd say, leave it as is, it's really interesting.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Alice Rocker — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:30:10 -0600

This would be mine: "I guess there are worse things in life than having your pants fall down, but, at the moment, I couldn’t really think of any."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

KateShelton — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:42:47 -0600

@Alice Rocker, it made me laugh, which is a good thing. I would definitely read on, at least to the next sentence. @naggingdilemma, I like it, but I would drop the "in a position of power", because it is unnecessary and implied. The more concise, the better. Here is mine: "The train whistle is my alarm clock, the engine hum my lullaby."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ghostlyhamburger — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:00:22 -0600

My first line: "Another car passed by without slowing down."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ELOAgent — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:06:42 -0600

(I'm a rebel, I know, I'm posting three lines) My opening line: We don’t find out the meaning of life by ourselves, alone…we find out with another…unfortunately most of the time we never figure out who that other person is until it’s too late. Worlds are never certain. Someone can always be ripped away. Anyone you get close to can be taken with a single life shattering moment. There’s an invaluable lesson to this story: It doesn’t matter how many hours, days, or infinite years we have together with the people we love, all that matters is the moments that we share with them today.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Thalia06 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:32:50 -0600

@KateShelton- Not completely sure about your line but I like it, it has a lyrical tone to it. But I would be careful that the following lines aren't so poetic, you might lose a reader's attention. @ghostlyhamburger- Not bad, but I might change the word 'by' to a description of the place the cars are passing. Just a thought. @ELOAgent- As much as I love ellipses I've found that other people don't favor them as much. Try taking them out and adding commas if needed, I don't think it takes away from the intended effect. And for the other lines, I wouldn't use them together, in my opinion it's a bit too philosophical for an opening but you could insert them in other places. Here's my line: "Rarely does the rose come to the bee," the smirk, apparent in my companion's tone turns my way and he gestures brashly.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

XVisiEX — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:52:46 -0600

It's a lovely worded line, but it feels like it should be in the middle, to me anyway. Hopefully I can word it better...it certainly sounds pretty but such a Shakespearean line could cause some readers to be put off. My line.......is merely...this Aria Jones stared at the computer screen half aware of the paragraph she was repeatedly backspacing and re-typing

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:07:36 -0600

@XVisiEX What a deliciously relate-able line. :D My only comment is to watch the adverb.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ink_Stained_Midnight — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 11:41:48 -0600

The morning of the first chill was dark, inky clouds covering the dawn.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Writer_Pen.Named_Firefly — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:02:28 -0600

@Ink_Stained_Midnight : Absolutely intriguing! Although I've heard it said before that a story should never open with the weather, I think that with the way you managed to make this sentence so unique, it actually works well. But, even though I have no idea what comes after this, I will warn you to try and get to some other topic as quickly as possible. This sentence works, but a whole paragraph about the weather would definitely be too much. So there's my input, for what it's worth :D And here's my opening sentence: "When Milo Davis entered the entirely bare concrete room at the military training base, fourteen other private soldiers were there already, waiting for their commander."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ir0nna — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:53:13 -0600

hmm: "My mother is a ghost."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Zaramora_Gladen — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 02:52:04 -0600

I love everybodys'! Strong lines, some laughable, some intriguing, some so laughable that I want to know more! Here's mine: "I love my sister. With all my being, I love her. I love her more than anything I’ve ever known. She is my One. My All. My other-half. My True Love." (Heads up, this isn't a creeper piece where the girl's sister is in girlfriend-boyfriend love with her older sister. She just loves her. It happens. sometimes your True Love isn't your spouse, it's a sibling, or best friend. That's how these two are)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

That Guy You Met Once — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:05:01 -0600

"January 3rd, 2012: I dug a box of my old drawings out of the basement this morning. I thought it might help to look back to the days before I lost myself."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

bluebeanie41496 — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:12:53 -0600

@That Guy You Met Once: While these first lines make me wonder what happened to the narrator, I don't know that I would read on. There's nothing in it that really hooks me and makes me want to read on. I don't think it's powerful enough. I'm a little bit curious, but my interest in the story would depend on the next few lines and the back of the book. My own: "The water's contaminated!" Coughing the taste of decay from my mouth, I spat the water into the mud and nearly choked on the taste of rotting Terrors.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Rukia23 — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:40:48 -0600

Beware the ones with red eyes, they told me.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

iamstalkingu — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:52:19 -0600

@Rukia23: I really liked it, although it could also be "Beware of the ones with red eyes, they told me." But your's sounds good just as it is. Adding 'of', I think, would make it too long. Mine: Red lights bled across the dark canvas sky like watercolors.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nowhereistheplacetobe — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 10:00:54 -0600

@iamstalkingu - I think it's pretty, but I'd hope that the next sentences give me more of an idea about the plot/hook of the story. I'm picky like that :D Mine: Grandpa Jack's loft was a mess; documentation of people's entire lives, in the form of stacks of photocopied papers, tipping over and getting mixed together under the bright web of strings connecting important pieces together "serial-killer-style", as Dad said.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Elenaeruiz — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 08:45:46 -0600

@Nowhere I absolutely loved your line, it sounds like exactly my kind of book. Do tell when you're ready for a beta reader, if you don't already have one :). And I agree with Moon, I think I would have phrased it so: Grandpa Jack's loft was a mess. Stacks of photocopied papers documenting people's entire lives were tipping over and getting mixed together...etc. My line: The good doctor's glasses slid off her nose in amazement. "I've done it," she said in a wondering tone.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

joeypie101 — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 09:34:28 -0600

here's my opening line. i'm not so sure on the ending of it though Meet Felix an ordinary fourteen year old or, so you/he thinks

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 09:37:04 -0600

Here is another line of mine: Disguised behind a little red dress toils the soul of a seventeen year old girl and spirit of the most drunken man to ever walk on Earth. I don't like the opening to this story as much as I did the opening to the other one, but would you keep reading?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

CliffieMaster — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 11:54:42 -0600

@ Kiddie-Icarus: I like it! Especially enough to continue reading to see what exactly you mean. Maybe think about adding "the" before "spirit", though, just to keep consistent since you had "the" before "soul". It can go either way, depending on what you intend. Mine: My brother is twenty-one the year he decides he’s ready to fight the Minotaur.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cinnamoon — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:53:45 -0600

"They found her at the height of the storm."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

OceanWater — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:30:39 -0600

September's destiny should have been something else all together; something that did not involve Marids, and Wyerns but amiable dogs and yellow teacups, but it is not and that is why this story is being told.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

sovay — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:55:09 -0600

@OceanWater - this line gets my attention and makes me wonder what's happening next, so it does its job pretty well! (: The phrase "amiable dogs and yellow teacups" is perfect, emphasizing what September /should/ be and explaining to us that it's not. I almost wonder if you could do away with the "but it is not and that is why this story is being told," because I think it can be inferred, but it sounds nice and snappy and doesn't drag. One grammatical mistake, though - the semicolon after "together' should be a regular comma, a dash, or a colon. Semicolons are only to be used when both halves of the sentence are independent clauses! (: And here's mine - My brother Henry came home from the war a week before Christmas and a day before his twenty-second birthday.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

biziwen — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:39:23 -0600

My Favourite Season If you were a teardrop;In my eye, [url=http://asianescortedmonton.com]Edmonton Escort[/url] For fear of losing you,I would never cry [url=http://asianescortedmonton.com],Edmonton Escorts[/url] And if the golden sun,Should cease to shine its light, [url=http://asianescortedmonton.com]Edmonton Asian Escort[/url] Just one smile from you,Would make my whole world bright [url=http://asianescortedmonton.com]Edmonton Asian Escorts[/url]

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Loki Laughs — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:16:06 -0600

@CelticBorealis For the first, I found it somewhat difficult to understand what you were trying to say with the accent (or that it was an accent on the first time through, I just sort of stopped and tried to figure out what the words were, something that you don't want people to do.) Otherwise, I like where it starts better than the second. The second would probably work better if it were less wordy. Also, I'm not sure what a bedsit is, and since you already said sat, it seems redundant. "I sat in my little bed with..." would work better. Esmeralda believed in magic the way that other people believed in breathing.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

CelticBorealis — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 02:48:22 -0600

Thank you for the feedback, much appreciated. The accent thing is explained very soon afterwards...I think it would make more sense if the paragraph was posted. The second...yeah, it doesn't work. As above - a bedsit is a small apartment that basically consists of a single room and a tiny attached bathroom.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lisa.Vail — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 07:14:43 -0600

Here's from a non-Nano... 'The day the bomb hit was the day my life ended.' :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

silvertouch — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 23:39:35 -0600

Here's the opening line from what I'm working on now; it's teetering between middle grade and YA. Depending on how far it goes into certain areas, it could swing either way. "Ever year, Tommy Thatcher promises me that he will kill a giant and bring me its heart."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 01:09:45 -0600

Loki Laughs - I really want to keep reading. There's nothing at all wrong with that sentence, and it draws me in incredibly well! Lisa. Vail - I'd keep reading on. You'd want to build on it with the second and thrid sentence, but otherwise this one is very good. Silvertouch - I don't really like the comma, it breaks the flow a little bit to me. But it does make me want to jump in and keep reading. It reminds me of how the Merlin series (A Young Adult version) starts out. Because of that I would probably keep reading on. ---- My own starting line from 2011's NaNo. "It was a bright and sunny day that Zeus granted one lone scholar the ability to travel through time."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:22:44 -0600

Forgive me, but since I'm working on two novels at the moment, I have two openers. I critiqued like four, though, so I think I'm okay: Novel A.) “Where the heck is Reykjavik?” cried my twin sister Bella, slamming her pencil onto the table. Novel B.) I don’t care whether anyone reads this or not.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Imperatrix Xoco — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:46:58 -0600

Silvertouch: I adore your opening line. Very fairytale, piques my interest immediately. Nicely done. Sparksbet: I'm not thrilled with the first one. Unless the dialogue is really stunning, opening a story with dialogue comes off as cheap and gimmicky and heavy-handed, to me. As for the second, mildly interesting. It's a touch overdone, but if the writing that follows it is strong, I'd keep reading. And my contribution: "The dreams were back again."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ink_Stained_Midnight — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:25:32 -0600

@Imperatrix Xoco Short and sweet and to the point. It definitely caught my attention, and it's not overdone or too flowery. Excellent work! Here's mine, very tentatively: "Conall knew that villains didn't fall in love; it simply wasn't done."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

blueeyedgirl417 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:48:53 -0600

My opening line is : My mom said that when I was born, my chest was still and my eyes were closed.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

unashamed.love — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:41:48 -0600

We were on our daily walk through the forest when she saw the rainbow. Olivia liked rainbows, so she was excited. I put two lines. :O

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:41:38 -0600

@PingXgeertje- I did enjoy the first line from the prologue simply because I found it humorous and in a way, makes fun of the classical "fairytale" conventions of "Once upon a time." However, I will warn you not everyone likes a prologue—even a two sentence one. The second line is simple and direct, which is good. I'm assuming that Madame de Fleur, though she "was never ill", is actually ill this time. If this had importance to the storyline, then it's good that you are jumping right into it. My POSSIBLE opening line (beginning is still going through some massive editing. I literally wrote this three minutes ago): When they got the call about Lena’s parents, Foreman spilled the flour.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 06:41:47 -0600

First line for me: "He had tits, for lack of a better word, and he knew it."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Steampunk avi8or — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 10:03:20 -0600

Mine: As the factory bells tolled, Beatrix was perched precariously on a border. It was the border between waking and sleeping.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 11:44:33 -0600

Does it need to be broken in two? I ask because it seems you could work the second sentence into the first fairly seamlessly. i.e. on the border instead of on a border.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

harrypoter4ever — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 15:16:23 -0600

First sentence for me: It was a bright room that seemed to be hiding a threatening growl, but it was occupied by a teenager.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:18:09 -0600

My first line: I am sitting against a tree and am small, still a child, listening as a stranger calls my name. (also am considering "I am hiding behind a tree...")

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:48:29 -0600

My first line: Camouflaged against the trees in the forest by wearing a green and brown shirt and pants, the knife-thrower waited diligently for his prey.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ruxxsilver — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 08:12:45 -0600

Hi, I'm new here >.> My opening line in the project I'm working on (offline that is, I just signed up) is: "Each step Everest took brought about a new wave of nausea and misery. "

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:21:55 -0600

The late morning light fell through the cracked bedroom curtains, cutting a narrow swath across and deepening the depressed look on the face of thirty seven year old, Brad Covington, who lay immobile on the bed, locked in place on his stomach by the black hole swirling inside his heart - threatening to swallow him whole.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Rukia23 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:07:45 -0600

Never piss off a white person, he said, because you know it is the American way to sue for everything.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TaoistFruitbat — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:43:41 -0600

@Erecura Yep, that's a strong opening. Brings in a question, brings in a conflict, introduces a character, gives an authoritative tone of voice. Don't really have much to critique. Consider changing "a" to "the", as the "the" might sound better if it is a single major revolution. Of course, I'm expecting that sentence to be followed up by and even better one. Mine, working in the prologue: Stanley Clemets was the one who pulled the trigger. (I know, not really a standard opening, but I think it is the best for the context.)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:50:37 -0600

I think it works, and I don't even know what your story is about:) At first glance it doesn't leave a mystery for the reader to figure out, but. . . it brings up a lot of questions, who is he, why did he pull the trigger, what led up to it? So, all in all I like it and it is intriguing:) Mine: Fairytales are, by no means, a rare thing.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fuzz — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:24:47 -0600

I like it. It tells the reader exactly what kind of story they are about to read and it's a good hook for whatever you're about to introduce. Mine: There was a terrible scream and then the world changed forever.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nijusjaanu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:04:57 -0600

My story has gone through many edits, and this is the first line I've finally come up with: Bridget skipped their usual exit on I-40 and headed toward the mall.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DistantDreamerX — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:21:59 -0600

Hm, i'm somewhat new [as in, i don't think i've posted anything] This is my opening line for my offline-project. "Of course I have a sense of humor. For example, I would laugh hysterically if you were to be run over by that truck." I found this on a Writing Board somewhere on this site, and tweaked it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:29:48 -0600

I think it is quite humorous, but it's kind of hard to comment because I don't know if it is actually a line of dialogue or not. Either way though, it does make me want to at least read on to the next line to see who is being spoken to and why they should be run over. Also, depending on the setting, I don't know if using "that" over "a" is the correct choice. I don't have enough info though about whether a truck is present or not to make this judgment. I don't know if this is okay or not, but I have a few other ones because I'm considering moving my last posted line to the second chapter or later in the first chapter. Some are very different because my first chapter is so up in the air right now: For over twenty minutes straight last night, Lena cried, without even knowing why. OR In high school, Lena was known as "the girl whose parents got murdered." OR When they were out of refried beans, it only meant one thing: double shift. OR My last one. It was "When they got the call about Lena’s parents, Foreman spilled the flour."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:48:39 -0600

I'm thinking about this for November. I know it's three lines, but they all fit together: 'It was a beautiful and sunny summer day. Okay, I lied. It was a damp and gray fall day.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Moonlightwriter — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:24:50 -0600

She was down there. My best friend – or, what was left of her - down in the casket. So this is my opening line and I'm worried it's not flowing enough. Can anyone help me fix or banish my fears? Thanks!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

helltank — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:18:38 -0600

It was midnight-perhaps not exactly at midnight, but certainly close to it-when the black riders arrived at the castle.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

helltank — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:03:59 -0600

It's a classical fantasy that's supposed to be written in the romantic style. It's supposed to be a bit overwritten. If I wanted a short and clinical style(my overall preferred style), I would write something like your suggestion. Actually, I would probably write "The black riders arrived near midnight.", both to keep the suspense(arrived where? why?) and because the castle will be introduced next sentence anyway.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:06:45 -0600

A thin green bar slid sideways across the screen, stumbling and halting along the way, until it reached completion with a dinging sound.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

helltank — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:12:41 -0600

Most loading screens do not, in fact, make dinging sounds. Furthermore, your opening sentence doesn't capture my interest. I would probably flip the page, but I most likely wouldn't buy the book. Also, what is completion? You never define completion. All you said was that a green bar was crab-shuffling along the screen. So completion is the end of the screen? Most loading screens don't extend that far. On the bright side, it was pretty well written overall. The concept may not be so good, but the mechanics were good.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kookaburra17 — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:13:34 -0600

Is it all right to post two? I have one from my 'intro' and one from my actual first chapter. The intro would be a sort of 'letter' stuck on the inside cover, so while it would be the first thing you saw, I think most people would look inside the book itself....please note that the letter/intro is supposed to seem curt and rushed. Intro: "Hello. I do not know who you are or where you come from and let's keep it that way." Chapter One: "Burlap sacks, it seems, are very easy to tear straight across once you get going."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ginaxx — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:57:20 -0600

This is the opening line for my prologue :) “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!”

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SBess84 — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:15:11 -0600

Of all the places for Gwen to plant a wizard's tower, the idiot had to choose the center of the Forbidden Forest.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:21:49 -0600

Isabel lives in a small, forgettable building, squished between two towering cathedrals.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Celticsmc12 — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:43:05 -0600

The knife glinted like a beacon in the darkness, flashing in an arc of dim light over the face of a girl.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

words rising — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:03:34 -0600

Every twenty-five years on May Eve, Folkvar cast his runes precisely at midnight.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Eyes of Fire — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:45:44 -0600

"The Lindorian sun hung over a bloody scene."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:55:34 -0600

"A center booth in a hole-in-the-wall cafe probably lacked something in terms of creepiness, but it was heated and out of the wind, two things Harley ranked above mood even if the entire routine was all about putting on a show. "

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Contemptus — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:15:53 -0600

It seems a bit run-on, K.J, and it could use some work grammatically before anything else. Otherwise, it lost me. It started well -- because an odd name usually deserves some elaboration -- but the details of the meal and the plate seemed overdone. Too many details too quickly, you know? [quote]There’s blood at the corner of her mouth, curling with the quirk of her smile, dribbling down a chin pointed and pale; the insides of her mouth are shredded, chewed up and streaming blood down a throat that has been taught not to gag. [/quote]

Re: Critique on your opening line.

FireAngel14 — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:35:46 -0600

The little girl hated the fire.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Transcendent — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 08:33:57 -0600

@ FireAngel: I like it. It's simple, it's straightforward, and there are plenty of reasons why a child would hate fire, so personally it makes me want to keep reading to figure out why. Mine is... Well, technically it's this: /...Any jobber got the sack; Monday morning, turning back; Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go-/ But I don't think lyrics really count, so the first line I wrote with my own brain was: Daniel Blum groaned and rubbed his face with his hands, the Beatles song ringing through his room like a siren.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Medd — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:03:46 -0600

@ Transcendent I really like this, but I think the opening line works better without the lyrics. That's probably just a personal choice though, it works well with/without them. I'd read on, definitely. ( Heh, and on another note, as a struggling music student, that's often my reaction to hearing the Beatles first thing in the morning ) Here's mine. Something entirely experimental in a style I don't usually write, but here goes: Steven doesn't smoke. I can tell by the way his unaccustomed fingers fumble around the cigarette for a comfortable hold. When the the fumes hit his throat, he chokes. Little white plumes coughed back into the frigid air, swirling and dispersing.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Brick_Walls_Break — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:57:53 -0600

fni, I like your first sentence, especially the way it's worded, because you could've just said that Tomasso liked running, or that Tomasso ran a lot. You might want to keep in mind that this first sentence implies that he likes running, so if he does, great, and if not, make sure that's clear in the first paragraph. But it's catchy and I love the name! Mine: “I’ve got a movie star name,” I said as I pulled a card from the pile.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Transcendent — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:02:31 -0600

fni: I like. So many questions: Why is he replacing sleep with running? Why is tonight different? What kind of name is Tomasso? Mine: /...Any jobber got the sack; Monday morning, turning back; Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go-/ Daniel Blum groaned and rubbed his face with his hands, the Beatles song ringing through his room like a siren.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

6.66 SecondsuntiltheworldendS — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 19:32:21 -0600

It's good for a beginning. Mine: My foot slammed into the ball and I winced; my injured toe was once again reacting.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

skinwalker — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:29:52 -0600

I like it. It instantly captured my interest-sounds like it will be a good book. Now I'm wondering what situation they're in and what they could be talking about. Mine: I wrapped myself deeper into my blanket, trying to stay in my dream world, but the tendrils of sleep were already slipping away.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ELOAgent — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:49:38 -0600

We don’t find out the meaning of life by ourselves, alone…we find out with another…unfortunately most of the time we never figure out who that other person is until it’s too late. There’s an invaluable lesson to this story: It doesn’t matter how many hours, days, or infinite years we have together with the people we love, all that matters is the moments that we share with them today.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Eyes of Fire — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 07:27:07 -0600

Thunder rolled and lightning crashed, sending fear into the depths of Kelsie Robert's heart.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:10:29 -0600

I liked this. It definitely seems fit for an opening line. Good work.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Collen — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:08:25 -0600

Here we go, first line in Rivulets: "RUSHING waves rhythmically beat at the side of a massive sea vessel. Mist hovered in the air, floating above the water like light blue fuzz. It would have been an awe inspiring scene – if it hadn't been witnessed seemingly a million times before, if it hadn't been a constant reminder of the world that the people had to live in now."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Contemptus — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:18:01 -0600

Collen: There's something about this line that I don't really care for. I think it's the fact that it lampshades itself -- the image of the waves and the ship and the mist can be awe-inspiring, and the fact that it isn't seems sort of like a given to me. (Also, the "seemingly" seems redundant and unneeded. A bit of trimming wouldn't go amiss.) However, it also leaves me with questions: what people? What sort of people were they? How many of them were there? What sort of world do they have to live in, a wet one? A bit of elaboration wouldn't be out of place, I think. Here we are, the first two lines from The Clockwork Boy: Jamie Sullivan first saw Vic in his third period English class, tucked away in the back corner with his body angled towards the window and his nose in a book. The sun streamed in through the window and bleached the pages blinding white, the dust motes almost silver, and his skin nearly cream.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sunerun — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 06:46:39 -0600

Here's mine from nano 2010: The light in Aine's lantern was dimming.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dylan K Ryan — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:19:32 -0600

Here's mine from my rewrite of 2011's NaNo. The car reeked of skunk.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sophie Odette — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 08:42:58 -0600

How about this: She arrives every morning before I wake, the fearful bitch-lizard, rank with hanging lisps of halitosis.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

A.P. Navis — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 21:16:13 -0600

Hmm, not sure what I feel about this one, curious, a little nauseous, and slightly confused. Not bad things for a reader to feel with an opening line (confusion makes me want to read on and figure out what is going on!) I really enjoy the imagery of last bit. It's nice to see a good stomach churning image used instead of the usual beauty and splendor boringness. Personally, I would probably start it off more like "She's there every morning when I wake..." it would grab me more and sound more 'in the moment' if you know what I mean, but that is just my opinion. Ok, I've never, EVER had anyone critique something I've written. It feels kind of plain and boring out there all by itself to me, but here goes... The hall was silent except for the rhythmic ticking of the old grandfather clock.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

WritingLucky — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 15:49:50 -0600

I liked it actually--not plain or boring at all. I question the need for the word "rhythmic" because rhythmic is sort of the default for a ticking clock and if you take it out, it doesn't really change anything about the sentence. Otherwise I think it sets the atmosphere rather well. Here's mine: Charlie knew that he couldn’t actually make Shane Ramsey burst into unholy flames just by glaring at him…but it couldn’t hurt to try. Just in case. I have the "actually" italicized in Word, but it didn't show up here. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. :-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 17:58:39 -0600

I like it. It makes me wonder as to why Charlie would even want to glare at Shane and burst him into flame. Good work. I've been thinking about opening lines, and here's one: The bright sun hung over the field which held the thousands of bodies from the battle earlier. It was ironic, seeing as the day was a dark day in the land.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Test Tube Tempest — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 13:38:25 -0600

@frenziedmythology: I'm not a huge fan of writing that points out irony for the reader, so I'm suggesting "It was a dark day, even as the sun hung bright over the land which cradled thousands of bodies from the earlier battle." These are mine 1) "There are four televisions in this Wyoming diner off the main highway, and each screen is pointed at my booth by the door like a cocked gun, threatening, pinning me to my seat. " 2) "It’s 3am and I find myself wearily walking through the valley of the shadow of death; it’s located in line behind register one in Wal-Mart."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Poncey Of The Lions — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:55:16 -0600

I enjoy this thread. I think I'll throw my opening line out here too. 'The girl standing by the bed has wings.' Any thoughts?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Carramae — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:48:08 -0600

@Poncey Of The Lions: It's a pretty simple line that could serve it's purpose, but I have to see the sentences after it to pass judgement. It's certainly an interesting way to start a novel. Is it the character's bed? Is he/she on it? If so, perhaps it would be better if you insert "my" instead of "the." But of course, I don't know how much you're describing afterwards. Try inserting "next to" or "beside" instead of "by" to see how it sounds. Sorry, I'm not very good at critiquing! I have a really silly first line that is in dire need of help: "Mrs. Lovell scurried into the kitchen, making a fuss of clanking noises as she dug through the cupboards to find some pots." It's supposed to have an old feel to it, like those British classics.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EIias — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:45:16 -0600

what about this one bros? I can't paste it here but here's a screenshot ;-) http://gyazo.com/08f50ed37143a59d5df0795ec890a9ff.png

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EmmaMayfield — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 11:45:31 -0500

My first line: “HELP ME!!” was the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

megcro — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 16:28:29 -0500

'She lay in a darkened room, curled on her side, like a dying bird.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

niccihart — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:12:22 -0500

ooh that sounds like an interesting opening line would love to read more.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

YourDestiny — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:13:32 -0500

Mine as well put mine up here... ... As I sat in the police station with my back pressed into a hard wooden chair, I had to admit my day was not going as planned.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Donnerkeil — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:23:41 -0500

Well, here goes: "The rain came down in torrents, and the wind whipped like the Devil's breath."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dylan K Ryan — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 06:52:41 -0500

The first night after my death, my boyfriend got wasted.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:43:32 -0500

It felt as if I was breaking an unwritten rule reading Anna Braam’s diary, but since she had been dead for over three hundred years, and my boss had told me to read it, I did

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ihazabeard — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 15:09:44 -0500

It was raining on the particular day I am describing; raining most violently, as if the ground and its inhabitants had done the clouds some deep personal wrong.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Badly Drawn Girl — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 16:17:45 -0500

"I was making myself a cup of tea when she phoned."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

sovay — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 18:36:23 -0500

"Poppy had gotten there late and the crowds had already started to form."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ice-Spirit Phoenix — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:35:01 -0500

"It was night; which certainly wasn't the most unusual thing to have ever happened on the planet Earth."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 12:16:27 -0500

My name is Emily Bane and in an hour I shall be dead.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kayth — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 20:39:30 -0500

When I heard that Mason had gone missing, I immediately started to divide everything I knew into two groups: the things I could tell the police, and the things he'd want me to lie about.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:22:57 -0500

The priest looked at the dying man across the room and felt sad for him. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 22:17:24 -0500

It is a good line, but not exactly what I would envision as something to open a story with. Almost more like something that would come after the first line, in the first paragraph or so. Maybe swapping the word 'sad' out with something else would work better? Perhaps something along the lines of, A feeling of empathy filled his breast as the priest watched the dying man or, you know, kind of like that. Maybe getting rid of the 'across the room' would help too, unless it is something that is really important and needs to be conveyed in the opening line. (Then again, I am one to talk, first lines are never how I want them to be.) Here's mine: The house, which he had expected, at the most, to be a summer cottage, looked like a patchwork quilt of different styles from different ages.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

forever_unwritten — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 07:18:27 -0500

The dusty sand prickled my back as I hid under a pile of coconuts.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:50:35 -0500

here's one that came to me yesterday as I was walking my dog. Thinking about using it in my next novel. Two slightly different sentence structures: I hesitated for a long time before I stabbed my thigh with the kitchen knife. I hesitated for a moment, then stabbed my thigh with the kitchen knife.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:58:33 -0500

I am going to get this back to the way it should have been before I was momentarilly and idiot and posted incorrectly. After finishing another round of chemotherapy, the priest concentrated on 1 Thelassonians 5, attemping to lessen his despair over the labored breathing of the dying man in the bed across the room. @Banespawn, the sentence is correct. The priest got the chemo. In case people do not know: 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Evie Rushwind — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 13:06:21 -0500

The elaborate chrome facade of the Population Control Centre shone radiantly in the light of the sun.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 08:22:14 -0500

It was empathy at first hearing. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:16:53 -0500

It is cold here. (Can't get much simpler than that!)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:58:43 -0500

Red flashes lit around Aren's head as fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing away at the them and leaving the archers dangling for their lives.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:21:36 -0500

Eh, fiery boulders are landing all around him. But yeah, basically the same :) Thanks!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:30:37 -0500

Ah, right, fiery boulders, you even stated as such. I'm not sure why I missed that really...perhaps relation to bright flashes of red light. Makes me think of Lord of the Rings.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:32:49 -0500

Yeah, I sort get inspiration from that :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Christine Louise — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 20:17:19 -0500

A young man, about 23 years old sat in his Lay-Z-Boy and stared at the four monitors in front of him.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EIias — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:08:51 -0500

To say that winter had begun in earnest would sell short the damage it had done to the roads (it chilled them over with impregnable swaths of slippery ice) or the spongy minds of the county’s children (the storm shut down the schools, allowing the youth to stay planted before their radios and comic books for nearly a week) or to the city’s population (as in the number itself, the one that gets displayed on the sign beside the highway; it (the number) fell 14 or 15 ticks due to the deaths of those otherwise inconsequential types who get themselves killed in moderate-to-severe blizzards and thunder storms).

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:08:32 -0500

God, I hate going to Hell. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ElliMelody — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 23:16:42 -0500

At first, everything looked the same.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lacey Fay — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:50:17 -0500

Chapter Prelude: As a kid, most of us believe that there are monsters under the bed or in the closet. Chapter One: If memory served, she was standing in the same room she had once killed someone in. Story Poem Before First Page: Not all stories are black and white. And not all heroes wear a cape and tights. Depending on how you read it, any one of these lines will be the first you read.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Rukia23 — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 22:25:30 -0500

I stop and stare the moment I notice him.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 05:42:00 -0500

I jumped when the shopkeeper’s bell clattered in the other room

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 09:46:14 -0500

Sounds like something I would read on. Good work.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Celticsmc12 — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 19:46:50 -0500

Claire could't remember how long she had been sitting on her bathroom floor,in the tatters of a pink silk dress, mettalic smelling blood, and confetti. Let's not forget the confetti.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Mle123 — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 05:34:43 -0500

Celticsmc12- I find this intriguing, I would definitely want to read on to find out what happened. Mine is: "Boldness stood alone among the wreck, boldness personified. "

Re: Critique on your opening line.

cidupeska — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 03:55:23 -0500

I'm new here, been writing short stories outside of Nano for the hell of it, but now I'm looking to cut my teeth on something bigger. I've had an epic on my mind for a while now. It's an itch I can't scratch, here is my opening. It is literally the first thing to come to my mind. "The rifle stood at attention on the edge of his quivering fingers; chattering in anticipation for the moment. Cold pools of sweat mired through the crude blood on his brow; coiling about his eyes, painting the world in crimson hues. He was stern in his resolve, yet he could not bring himself to pull the trigger. " Thanks for any replies.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

aylat — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:30:42 -0500

I've been lurking for a few weeks. Now I want to particpate in the feedback and support going on here! My first line is: "Sunday dawned auspiciously bright and they managed to get all the way to Milngavie without arguing." TIA for any crit! (can be brutal)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MissAngelAdorer — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:17:35 -0500

Mine: It all began when my father came home.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

GoneLookingForMyself — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 19:22:53 -0500

If anyone's there... It looks like all the other lines have been critiqued so I'm not sure about trying one, but here's my thing, from The Storm One... The ticket was thin and light between my fingers, clearly stating ‘Hanuman Airlines’, ‘Departure: Clarksville, NH’ and ‘Arrival: Tuphana, Kisho Island’. The time was 3:00 tomorrow afternoon. That was all well and good, except that none of the names were familiar to me except that of the town in which I currently lived, and nothing about the ticket told me about where Nandin had gone. I know it's three lines... sorry... I just have a hard time writing hooks in one line. In fact, the only opening line I have right now that I'd be happy to let stand alone is from The Dogcatcher 'The cold November wind was a wild dog.' *waits anxiously for critique*

My opening line

Kane Caston — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:04:21 -0500

"Taxi's are like the miner's canary, for the city."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:18:31 -0500

'The cold November wind was a wild dog.' I like the line: Similes It was like something. (that I know) Metaphor It was something? Mixed metaphor It was two things at once? I can't remember what else, If I had written it I would have used a simile without adjectives. The wind was like a wild dog - simile Or The wind was a wild dog - meta But that's my opinion. Oh I heard somewhere you shouldn't start a book with the weather, it's a cliche or something, I would put your very nice line in the next paragraph, after the hook.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:21:36 -0500

The wild dog wind howled through the catchers shack . . . Lol your line has captured my imagination.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

YourDestiny — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:29:57 -0500

"Down a street I ran, a parcel tucked under my arm."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

YourDestiny — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:30:27 -0500

EDIT: Down THE street I ran, not a.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 20:10:43 -0500

Down the street. Is the street an incline for him to run down? If not he cannot run DOWN it. THE street. Is this only one very important street, or once he runs down this street will he just start running down another street then another so on. A parcel. Is the parcel important? If it is then it is THE parcel. Just like if the street is important it become THE street rather than just another A street. Tucked under my arm. I assume by this you only have ONE arm? If you have more than one arm then it should be under arm or under one arm or under an arm. Then again is it important for the parcel to be under an arm? Down the street I ran should be I ran down the street. Here is how I would write it: The bosses office was a monolith rising above the other end of Fleet Street; His parcel in hand, I ran. Or something like that. Make the street interesting and the parcel and you. If you just have it as generic, a person running with a parcel down a hilly street, no one is interested in it. Details make them interested however.

Kane Caston — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 07:49:12 -0500

"under my arm" Arm - singular. Arms - plural. "under my arm" therefore is literally "my single arm" There is no ambiguity in "under my arm", its not a loop hole to be filled in, it literally means you only have one arm. "parcel under my arms" Is also wrong because that would mean a singular item under more than one arm. It must be under-arm, which means the same thing no matter how many arms one has, that the object possesses that property of being under-arm. Or under an arm. Under one arm.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:07:57 -0500

“Backwards and forwards, up and down and then circles,” Harry said.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 07:28:02 -0500

Akad crouched in the shadow of the palace wall, twenty feet from freedom, cursing holy Haram and the inequities of fate.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 08:36:03 -0500

After the birthday call from my parents, I went straight to the shower, and, still in my nightgown, I sank down under the hot spray of water and cried.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Mle123 — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 15:09:22 -0500

She was the sun that lit up my world but to her I was but a shadow, creeping in the night.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DasherH — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 00:02:56 -0500

"I do not remember having it done to me, but I can see the evidence all over the right side of my face."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Delio — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 02:08:21 -0500

“Happy Birthday Mom”, Noah said as his eyes locked on the white stone grave at his feet.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AsbesdosMoth — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 05:03:07 -0500

The chanting of ancient rite was loud and constant, incantation and curses cried out manically in the blazing sun of the desert.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

littlewonder — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 11:22:11 -0500

Unsure about mine, so I thought I'd put it out there for you guys: Dawn hated life; she was terrorised, tormented and tested every day, only ever going through the motions of her oppressive parent’s abuse.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 18:40:11 -0500

"Taxi's are like the miner's canary, for the city." Or F tore away his gasmask on entering apartment 103.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Rukia23 — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:26:06 -0500

Startled, I took a single step backward, my pathetic attempt to put some distance between us.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Quill-Of-Thoughts — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:26:58 -0500

My opening line: "Jay felt like shit."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

PotatoPasta — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 11:59:23 -0500

"Today was going to be the start of a whole new adventure; she could feel it in her very being."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sinistra — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 12:01:13 -0500

"The ruin was encased in moss and undetectable amidst the trees- unless you happened to be a young man with a stick, whacking shrubbery as you roved the forest." Rip me to shreds, if you have to.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Urby — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 15:13:14 -0500

The tower stood on a little island surrounded by freezing ocean waters, far from land or anyone's knowledge.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 22:11:55 -0500

Here's one that literally just popped into my head as I was eating. I have no second line or story attached to it: The tears of a dead man are the hardest to wash away.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sinistra — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 09:06:25 -0500

Thanks for the advice, both of you. I do actually bring in the main character just after the sentence, but I see what you mean about the latter part of the opening line. It was inteded to be an explanation as to how the ruin itself was found, but I may consider changing it for the current weather, which plays a big role in the story. Thanks.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:06:32 -0500

It was the stale bread that finally broke him.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

next.companion — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:35:43 -0500

Here's mine: "She had been on the track team in high school, and it just might save her."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:04:50 -0500

I was born in a dull and dreary fishing village in the middle of nowhere, a village rife with superstations and huddled on the edge of the bay, every door but one turned away from the encroaching forest.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

goatherder — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:14:46 -0500

Just caught the writing itch, and it's been years. Here's my go at it: "Cluelessly armored with a boyish charm that wins over the coldest of strangers, Derek lives most days alone."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:30:03 -0500

The immortal man snuck out of their lives shortly before dawn.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Rukia23 — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:40:33 -0500

Some nights I swear there is a person standing in the corner of my room, watching me and giving a low whistle every few seconds.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:36:05 -0500

Michael R. P. Chesterfield raised his crystal champagne glass and delivered a toast, celebrating love, family, honor, and the sucking shotgun wound in his chest.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 18:49:04 -0500

The old man chuckled as he walked through the grass-filled hills, watching the ducks duck their feathery heads into the water and come back up with fish in their mouths.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Thalia06 — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 22:00:39 -0500

It could work, depending on what genre you're writing, the first that came to mind was realistic fiction of some sort. Don't know if that's what you're writing, if not, then I might skim through it as a reader. Doesn't really catch my attention. But I do love how the ducks duck :) The night covers my tracks as I move slowly toward my target, a soldier of little importance, a sentry snoozing on the job.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Erica Cash — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:50:05 -0500

Water is great. just for reference the MC is drowning sarcasticly

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 06:09:36 -0500

@Thalia06 I liked it. Sounds like something I'd read :) @Erica Cash It was...most certainly intriguing. Makes me wanna know why this guy is drowning. Or what he is doing that associates water. Good job.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DistantDreamerX — Wed, 02 May 2012 00:10:32 -0500

“I don’t understand,” Aidrean replied slowly, carefully choosing her words. “I’ve never done anything that would merit a title as Champion, much less a Champion of the gods.”

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cody McElroy — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:36:11 -0500

The old wooden floor creaked underneath the weight of my footstep.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Thu, 03 May 2012 20:30:27 -0500

@DistantDreamerX: read Aidrean's dialog out loud, it sounds like a written statement rather than natural speech. Maybe something like, “I don’t understand,” Aidrean replied slowly, carefully choosing her words. “I’m no Champion, much less the gods' Champion.” @ Cody McElroy: "The ________ floorboards _________ underfoot." use the adjective and verb to set whatever tone you're trying to give the opening scene. rotted, rough, unfinished, aged, treacherous floorboards that creak, groan, squeak, crack, complain underfoot. _________ On a rainy Midsummer Eve, panicked refugees told us plague raged in a village a day's ride away; it would be a short summer for many. [and another. why not? is a slow thread] Thompson pulled himself upright, flicked open the cylinder, dumped hot brass, thumbed in his last three bullets and waited for the shadowy figures just outside the door.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 00:29:47 -0500

heh.. they could actually work together as part of the same story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 05 May 2012 02:42:26 -0500

Call me. -- Ishmael

Re: Critique on your opening line.

RavenUltra — Sat, 05 May 2012 20:12:44 -0500

"Scared, unwilling, desperate and sad, it wasn’t helping standing there tallying up all the emotions I felt about my imminent future. But I did it anyway." There's mine. Let me know what you think :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Sun, 06 May 2012 14:45:39 -0500

I'm kind of brand new here so... -There was nothing that could change it now.-

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Mon, 07 May 2012 13:56:45 -0500

SensMiettes, how about .... "Femme deMagne du Characteur knew she was doomed -- no escape -- totally hopeless."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Mon, 07 May 2012 15:54:21 -0500

this is the _first line_, right? so your novel doesn't stand or fall on how well one line is written. "She was doomed and knew it -- but would not run."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lisa.Vail — Mon, 07 May 2012 17:01:52 -0500

Short and sweet. 'The Factory's cold today.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Humbrahombre — Tue, 08 May 2012 04:15:06 -0500

The curling clouds of smoke from Christie’s mouth seemed to spell her final words in the dusty half-light of the shed.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Tue, 08 May 2012 20:13:02 -0500

This are my newest lines. -The remnants of an old ramshackle cart and all its wares imported from a province in the east were scattered amongst the traffic of the busy village. Kicked aside in ignorance to the beauty that had once embellished the fine old cart, the evidence of her accidental sin was slipping away, transformed into mere rubbish lining the streets.-

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Custodian — Thu, 10 May 2012 10:33:48 -0500

The street lamps in the area were few and far between. It's interesting. I don't think I've ever looked at my first sentence, not on it's own, only in the context of the paragraph. In the paragraph I think it did quite well but looking at it on it's lonesome like this makes it seem a bit lacking.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Thu, 10 May 2012 13:33:56 -0500

"Most of the street lamps were dead or failing." that's more foreboding .... _________________ "No no no ... don't even think about doing that here, you'll let that goddamn thing out."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 19:50:36 -0500

"Anke put Nolke to bed to the sound of dogs barking in the alley behind their home."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ink_Stained_Midnight — Sat, 12 May 2012 10:38:15 -0500

'Schizophrenia and magic do not mix.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 13 May 2012 14:52:05 -0500

Eli did not know which to fear worse: his nightmares which grew more real with every passing moment of slumber, or being in battle and watching your friends and allies die by your side, as well as hear the sound of death cries.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Thu, 17 May 2012 13:00:48 -0500

The brown native tide rolled over the last of the defenders, but by that time I was whipping the hide off my horse, in a flat out race towards the dubious safety of the heights..

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Fri, 18 May 2012 00:57:23 -0500

nothing but pure cowardice.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Aellio — Fri, 18 May 2012 10:27:22 -0500

'My name is Denver Steven Zevil.' To me my own first line isn't all that interesting, and I prefer my second line. ' I am Doomed, an outsider, on the outskirts of this world. '

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Fri, 18 May 2012 16:45:46 -0500

The smell of burnt ether filled Sebastian Stark’s nose as he squatted over the dimming phosphorescent remains of the spoofed soul. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 19 May 2012 09:27:36 -0500

Red flashes lit around Eli's head as fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing away at the them and leaving the archers dangling for their lives.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

bettername2come — Sat, 19 May 2012 18:04:48 -0500

The first thing you have to understand is that dreams are real.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cora Jenson — Tue, 22 May 2012 00:56:15 -0500

The secret was only ever whispered, yet some still feared it was spoken too loudly.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 02:18:41 -0500

that's a mix of images. if something is only whispered, then its never spoken loudly. "The secret was only whispered softly, yet some feared not always softly enough."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 02:43:41 -0500

Sometime after midnight I awoke to a violin trill -- in G minor -- and there was Thompson, sawing away, a day after a Mexican sharpshooter put a bullet in his head and just hours after we shoveled dirt over his shallow grave.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 22 May 2012 17:53:49 -0500

The procession went well, considering that the prince was almost killed.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kierstyn_west — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:36:13 -0500

Today is the first day of my surgical residency, but sadly I will not be seeing the inside of an OR.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 23:46:03 -0500

"A peasant wearing a lieutenant's tunic offered me a cigarette and a blindfold -- I told him what part of his body he could ram them into."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nijusjaanu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:57:31 -0600

[quote=AsbesdosMoth] 'He stared into ancient glass, and saw only the darkness.' [/quote] I feel like the "the" should be moved: "He stared into the ancient glass and saw only darkness."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Brav0 — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:03:07 -0500

It happened again. That's it. My story is being written journal-like

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AKwolf — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:31:29 -0500

"He had a warm easy smile on his face, and Chase was certain he was wicked." And the second sentence, just for fun -- because I'm a big believer in the concept that second sentences need to be good supporters of the first: "Even a boy of eight could sense the wrong in a man."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Elenaeruiz — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:55:22 -0600

I would take out the to-be-honest part, which (to me) makes it sound like someone has just asked a question. So maybe just: The young ruler did not seem to entirely appreciate the festivities laid out before him.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:45:40 -0600

I see three things that could make the sentence structurally better. 1) avoid using negative verb forms, i.e., "not" - replace with positive verb forms 2) get rid of passive verbs; use only active verbs 3) reads like an incomplete expression of thought - we never learn what the young ruler's beef is about the festivities, use could use transition words like 'because' or 'for' to finish the thought. Example: To be honest, the young ruler disliked the festivities laid out before him....because, for ...??? (whatever reason applies to your story). Hope this is helpful, constructive criticism.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

reachforthesky — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:18:01 -0500

I agree with Bent Letters. The part 'did not seem' is less definitive, and removing it solidifies the rest of the sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:50:56 -0600

Thanks. The attention grabbing comes in the next few paragraphs, so I wasn't too worried about the first line being full of a lot of conflict.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:52:05 -0600

Really curious about this mysterious noise now. Certain ruckuses drive me up the wall, too !!! I can relate :-) My only suggestion would be to emphasize it even more. The NOISE. It wouldn't stop for anything!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nijusjaanu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:59:25 -0600

[quote=Princeshelby] The noise. It wouldn't stop for anything. [/quote] I like this a lot. Opens a few questions right away that makes me want to keep reading.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:49:19 -0600

Thank you:) And thanks for the suggestion, I think I will drop the adverb.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:33:23 -0600

Not a fan, sorry =( I mean if this was a really young YA maybe but depending on your next sentence, I'm not the fan of the having to explain the moment feeling of any of the words after down. It's not a hook for me =(

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:50:00 -0600

@Alice Rocker I love it!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

luckyomally — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:44:06 -0600

I would read on for sure. I think it is a great hook!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Alice Rocker — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:39:14 -0600

@MoonPhaseChick: Hey, comedy isn't for everyone so that's perfectly fine for me. I'll work on my sentence structure, though. Thank you anyway. @KateShelton: I'm glad I made you laugh. That was basically the point of line, so, that's good. ^^

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:54:35 -0600

@ghostlyhamburger If it were me, I'd drop the by and the down. Just a thought :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:58:31 -0600

Look at this line again and really read what it is saying...there is a dangling modifier here. "....the smirk, apparent in my companion's tone turns my was and he gestures brashly.' You are saying that the smirk in the tone does the turning and gestures. If this was your intention, then its just flawed. A smirk cannot turn and gesture brashly. You can do a simple edit and fix the whole line. "....the smirk is apparent in my companion's tone. He turns my way and gestures brashly. Other than that, it is a nice line. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 15:17:53 -0600

I love comedy :P

Re: Critique on your opening line.

CountryGirl13 — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:05:04 -0600

[quote=XVisiEX] It's a lovely worded line, but it feels like it should be in the middle, to me anyway. Hopefully I can word it better...it certainly sounds pretty but such a Shakespearean line could cause some readers to be put off. My line.......is merely...this Aria Jones stared at the computer screen half aware of the paragraph she was repeatedly backspacing and re-typing [/quote] I would put "Aria Jones stared at the computer screen, half-aware of the paragraph she was repeatedly backspacing and re-typing. It makes it easier to read, in my opinion. Here is mine: The Titanic: ingenuity, man's finest wok channeled into one ship, pride of the century displayed for the world.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:39:39 -0600

Excellent use of imagry:) Also I love your user pic.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:17:42 -0600

I agree with Writer_Pen.Named_Firefly about the use of weather as an opening line. Unless it plays a significant role in the scene somehow, I would opt for another opening. But it really depends on what the scene is about I guess. 1) At any rate, I would also like to suggest dropping the passive verb "was " (Sorry, a pet peeve of mine) and replace with the active verb "brought". 2) or consider moving the the subject, "first chill", to the end of the sentence for maximum impact and using only one verb - covered. EX 1 The morning of the first chill brought dark, inky clouds covering the dawn. EX 2 Dark, inky clouds covered the dawn the morning of the first chill. (A bad omen for the chilly days ahead?)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:42:13 -0600

I think that you have what feels like the potential for a gripping hook. Right now it is just a bit wordy. This is just a suggestion, but if it were me, I've drop entirely and already. Again just a thought.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:31:41 -0600

Echoing naggingdilemma, I would also suggest dropping 'entirely'. However, I would reword the second part of this compound sentence to avoid using the passive verb form -- were (Sorry, passive verbs sit around in a sentence like a bunch of third rate actors). Let's keep Milo a man of action and have him join the others ; -) Also, don't over do the information. Check for obvious redundancy. Remember us readers are pretty darn smart. You can safely drop 'military' because we can figure out from the use of the words soldiers and commander that you're describing some sort of military operation. So.... "When Milo Davis entered the bare concrete room at the training base, he joined the fourteen other private soldiers already waiting for their commander."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

naggingdilemma — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 05:15:18 -0600

I really want to read your story now. Marvelous hook!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kwahzutah — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:28:44 -0600

@Zaramora_Gladen: I adore this hook! The notion of exploring pure love between siblings is definitely interesting, and based on the first sentence I would expect a story of a philosophical nature... lovely! However, I do wonder if there is a purpose in the capitalized words. Here's mine: When his Lord's heir began searching for him again, Tol'Solie hid in the stables, right beneath the belly of a draft horse - but that petty boy didn't scare the cowardly man nearly as much as his mother.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

cursive — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 07:56:12 -0600

[quote=bluebeanie41496] My own: "The water's contaminated!" Coughing the taste of decay from my mouth, I spat the water into the mud and nearly choked on the taste of rotting Terrors. [/quote] That's good. I like it what with the sense of the drama/conflict established immediately. You and a few others did cheat though, as I think by "opening line" the OP meant the "first sentence." Anyway....My opening line [sentence] is: Justin Kang must've been five when he and his father made replicate footprints across the mud that aproned the public bath.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:57:08 -0600

I like the name...Justin Lang. It has a wonderful ring to it! The sentence confuses me a little, because how would you replicate footprints? The imagery was sweet, unusual but imaginable, and would definatly keep me reading--at least to the next paragraph or so. You probably would want to get rid of "must've been" because you don't really need that. The phrase distracts me from the sentence. Also, if you are aiming for a general adult sudiance or even young adult, you could substitute the word "aproned" for something else because it isn't a common word and it would not be good to discourage your reader because if vocabulary. Overall, really really cool! :D Here's one from a non nanowrimo piece of mine: "Holding the net over his head, I whispered the into the night, "Life is like a butterfly, more beautiful when carefree. Wings of dreams will wither and die in captivity. Release."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:58:57 -0600

Also, please pardon my spelling mistakes. My Kindle thinks it knows words when it autocorrects. XD

Re: Critique on your opening line.

cursive — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:04:37 -0600

[quote=Kiddie-Icarus] Here's one from a non nanowrimo piece of mine: "Holding the net over his head, I whispered the into the night, "Life is like a butterfly, more beautiful when carefree. Wings of dreams will wither and die in captivity. Release." [/quote] Although I'm not sure about the introductory clause's "his head" (I would've preferred "its head" assuming "he" was a firefly or a moth (though I'm aware that even insects have gender)), I'm sure the next sentence or two would've made my objection irrelevant. Which is to say it's a lovely first sentence and imagery. Even the rhyme of "carefree" and "captivity," which I would normally vehemently object to, is neutralized, and covered up, as it were, by the closely followed elongated e sound of "Release." Bravo.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:01:52 -0600

Hmmmn...Now that I see my line on the interwebs for real...I want to change "holding" for "raised". XD

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:02:39 -0600

"Raising" Darn Kindle!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:20:48 -0600

Yay! Thank you so much! :) Not too bad for studyhall work. XD The "he" is an actual human, which the narrator goes on to discribe in the next few sentences. Should I keep it that way in this case?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:25:11 -0600

Really love your line, just a mention I wanted to make

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:26:18 -0600

Awwww! Thank you! :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:00:29 -0600

Maybe this is only because I am more of a fan of metaphors than similes, but I'm really not a fan. Although it does make me wonder what the next following line would be so there is a plus there, I suppose.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 12:04:02 -0600

I like the sentence because of its clear use of imagery, but is it possible you could move that sentence so it's not the first? Having the opening of your novel starting with the weather isn't the most grabbing of hooks. Unless the weather is going to be significant in the next few paragraphs in the case it turns the events of the story, I wouldn't open like that. Maybe you could have a character take note of the weather or switch some sentences around. Overall, I really like the imagery but it isn't a strong hook.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MoonPhaseChick — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 10:51:03 -0600

It's pretty wordy and more of an info dump to it. Trying spacing it out so it's not so clumpy. "Serial-Killer style" Grandpa Jack's loft was a mess. Etc...etc...

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:42:13 -0600

I like the sentence and it's really cool and attention grabbing because of the image of this elaborate room in this grandpa guy's house. Just get rid of commas after "entire lives" and "photocopied papers". Also, end the sentence after "pieces together" and make what the dad says a new sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:24:01 -0600

Very interesting and intriguing setting - Grandpa Jack's loft. I like settings that make me curious. This one does that for me. I want to know how Grandpa can get any work done at all in this messy environment. On to the grammar, You've got a great sentence here. I love the details you put into your sentences. Please continue to work on the grammar. Pay attention to what is describing what and don't be afraid to move things around until your sentences read clear and concise. Less is more. 1) please remove passive voice "was". I used harbored, but any fitting active verb will do the trick. 2) the prepositional phrase (in the form of stacks of photocopied papers) does not describe people's entire lives, move after the noun documentation, which is what it is really modifying. 3) too wordy - edit for clarity, and/or use different 'like' metaphor. I'm sure you can top my drying machine metaphor. 4) move the semicolon to it's proper place separating your double compound sentence. It should be placed right before the second subject -- people's entire lives. 5) I love the phrase 'serial-killer-style' -- it truly is the 'creme de la creme' and you should end the sentence with it. Grandpa Jack's loft harbored a mess of documentation, stack upon stack of photocopied papers; people's entire lives tipping over and getting mixed together like a giant load of laundry in a drying machine, or as Dad likes to call it, mixed up serial-killer-style.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 09:28:48 -0600

@Elenaeruiz The line was pretty neutral for me. I would read on to see what the next few lines were though. The sentence is a little weird because you are saying the glasses are amazed instead of the doctor. Also "wondering tone" was kind of bland. You could try a different word choice or just leave it at said. "Good" was also kind of bland, but you could still keep that if you wanted to. Other than that, it seems promising and I would keep reading to find outvwhat the doctor did! :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 09:41:46 -0600

This opening is used often, but if you are aiming for a certain style it's okay. Nothing wrong with sentence structure or grammar. Awesometastic! :D I would go with "he" personally.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cinnamoon — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:51:04 -0600

It's a bit overused, and I'd rather actually *meet* Felix, instead of being told that we're meeting him. That is, start with him doing something or talking to somebody, so that we can get a bit of a sense of who he is. Also, I think it would be more interesting if you told us about his life, showing how it's normal, and then show us how he finds out that he isn't normal. Have us find out along with him, instead of being told right off the bat. That said, if you wanted to stick with this style of opening line, I might rephrase it to say something like "Felix always thought that he was an ordinary fourteen year old."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

beanza3 — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 20:10:56 -0600

I would change it up... It's used way too often, and some people would just shut down because of that. It's also not all that strong, though I get the idea behind it. Maybe something more direct, similar too: Felix is not ordinary. Or Despite popular belief, Felix is nowhere near ordinary. These are iffy, but, you get the idea? Saying something and then taking it back is against the rules of improve, and I think they should be against the rules of beginnings too. You're trying to build a world, so, wouldn't yes statements work better? But that might be a preferance... O.o

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 05:22:23 -0600

First things first - is the sentence hooking me? ...No. Here's why, You gave us a reason to either like or dislke the man by assigning him a character trait. - drunken. It might be fun to read about a drunken man to see what messes he gets them into; conversely, it might be more fun to root for the girl to stop this drunken fool from ruining her life. However the story goes, you have, at the least, given us a reason to care about the man. But you left us hanging & clueless about the main character, the girl. Is she sweet? sober? serious? tender? Why should we care about her at all? (Maybe she's a mean spirited bully that I would personally despise). Help the reader out here and assign her a character trait also. Second, in order to establish the battle between the two spirits, it would be best, imo, to move the action (the verb) in between the two players -- to create dramatic tension in the sentence. And finally, the following example might diverge character-wise from your intentions, but I hope it illustrates the need to really hook 'the reader' with some stakes and make them care what happens next. **Behind her little red dress, the sweetest seventeen year old soul that ever walked the earth toiled to remain sweet after being invaded by the most drunken male spirit to ever walk the earth.** Now, we can see what the girl stands to lose - her sweetness. (PS WINK) > I hope she does not lose her sweetness ;-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

joeypie101 — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:04:37 -0600

thanks

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:21:34 -0600

@CliffieMaster Ooh, nice observation! I'll be sure to add the extra "the". Thanks! For your sentence, it was interesting to read because it's taking place in the present tense. I'd be interested to keep reading, just remember to keep the consistency! I also like how you start right off with the action. This is just a personal thing, but it'd be pretty cool if you started with Brother instead of my. So it'd look like: "Brother is twenty-one the year he decides he's ready to fight the Minotaur" That's just a personal thing. XD Minotaurs! Hooray! :D My sentence has to do with Classical myths too...I wrote this short story in study hall about Dionysus who is reincarnated into the body of a teenage girl as a punishment. But they have to share it, so the girl is in charge but Dionysus is this little voice in the back of her head. XD

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 05:33:05 -0600

First, the same critique applies here that I gave to kiddie-Icarus - no character traits. Why should we (root for) the brother? Is he ailing? sickly? cowardly? over confident? -- Why should we (root against) the minotaur? Is he bloodthirsty? cruel? a baby eating monster? Second, write in an active voice, do not be passive - change 'is' to an action verb. **My cowardly brother turned twenty one the year he mustered up the courage to take on the baby eating Minotaur?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

OceanWater — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:34:11 -0600

It sounds amazing and enticing. Perfect grammar but it's only nine words but still. Love it!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 06:51:18 -0600

It tickles my interest and prompts questions, but the generic nature of the sentence deprives me of any answers. I don't know if I really care or not. It needs to be spruced up with some detailed characterizations and setting. Who is they? A search party? a pair of mobsters? goblins? Who is her? an orphan? a detective? a knife wielding psycho? Where did they find her? an old, abandoned warehouse? boys bathroom? backseat of their Chrysler? What does the storm have to do with anything? Can we have a storm of significance? Who cares if it is fake (this is fiction after all) **At the height of Chicago's great storm of 1998, a pair of small time mobsters rushed to escape the pounding rain and jumped into their two door Chrysler, where they found a knife wielding psychotic woman, grinning ear to ear, hiding in the backseat . ** As they say - the devil is in the details. Now I know enough to feel sympathy for a couple of loser mobsters, who I wouldn't normally care about , but since they have a psycho woman grinning at them from the backseat, I think I'm feeling a little concerned for their vital organs right about now...

Re: Critique on your opening line.

CelticBorealis — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:50:15 -0600

[quote=sovay] My brother Henry came home from the war a week before Christmas and a day before his twenty-second birthday. [/quote] Excuse me, first of all, for my critiquing ability...I've never really done it before. Second of all, I liked it. I had to go back and check where you're from (USA) to find out how significant the 21st birthday is! As such, I liked the timing, the fact that he has come back just in time. You've established lots of details in few words, and I don't like people being wordy for no reason so great. One thing I would say, and this is purely my personal opinion, is that I would prefer it to say "Henry, my brother, came..." I just think it reads better, I simply dislike people's names being stuck into sentences in such a way. I have two opening sentences, I apologise, but I haven't yet decided what order the chapters are going to go in as this is draft number -1 (even worse than 1): 1) My mother was always "hexpecting" and "'opin" in that strange aspirant accent of hers that, somehow, I would change the world. 2) "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?" I sat in my little bedsit with a bit of Jimi Hendrix in the back ground whilst I "enjoyed" an MSG-rich meal purchased from the Lidl "you-shop-here-'cos-you're-poor-and-lazy" section.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:20:49 -0600

I like the second opener better - starting in media rez is always great, and very popular nowadays. They're both pretty good, though the strange spelling and accent kinda threw me off when I read them. I particularly had trouble reading through "you-shop-here-'cos-you're-poor-and-lazy." I think all the dashes, with the 'cos in them was just a bit much. I'd work on that, because reading heavy accents tends to throw readers out of the story a lot. Otherwise, they're really great opening lines!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:15:55 -0600

@CelticBorealis. I'm going to be a bit harsh with this one, but only because I really like it and I think the character has great potential. From only two sentences, I can develop a sense of direction the story might take. So, you're accomplishing something important with that right there; however, my largest complaint is I hear you trying to wow me with your prose instead of conversing with me as a reader. I can tell the difference. I mean - what the heck is a 'strange aspirant accent' anyway? How would you say it to me if you were talking to me in a regular conversation? Don't try to wow me, just tell me and keep it simple. Now, in your second sentence, there is a lot going on here. Let's break it down. 1) I sat 2) I "enjoyed" 3) (I) purchased 4) Jimi Hendrix (playing, saturating, filling) in the background That's four different actions. So grouping them logically is key here. Keep it simple. The Hendrix 'quote' and prepositional phrase should be grouped together as one action like this -- with a bit of Jimi Hendrix's, "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?", playing in the background...... The main subject of this sentence is sitting and enjoying a snack, so group those two actions like this -- I sat in my little bedsit and "enjoyed" my MSG-rich meal A couple of examples,,, **I sat in my little bedsit and "enjoyed" my MSG-rich meal (which I purchased from the little - you shop here 'cos you're poor and lazy section) with a bit of Jimi Hendrix's, "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?", playing in the background. **With a bit of Jimi Hendrix's, "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?", playing in the background, I sat in my little bedsit and "enjoyed" my MSG-rich meal, which I purchased from the (you shop here 'cos you're poor and lazy) section of the little thrift store down the street. ** Good luck with the story. Stick with it. It's got potential.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cinnamoon — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:51:20 -0600

A bedsit is a small apartment. :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ToastedAlmond — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 07:53:07 -0600

I LOVE your line. Love love love it. I don't know how you managed to give us the seeds of character and setting in such a concise, well-thought out line, but you did. You just gave me a splendid image of Esmeralda and I would definitely read on. She has a pretty name, too. Great job.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Bent Letters — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:21:17 -0600

@ Loki Laughs.. I can't find any thing to critique here. I want to read more. :-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:16:23 -0600

It could go either way depending upon what comes next. If there's a good second and third sentence, it's a good opener. If the second and third sentence are weak, than it's a bad opener. I'd say it's a bit better than mediocre, though - I would like to keep reading.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:14:21 -0600

This is an amazing opening line. I REALLY want to know what comes next. I'm a 15-year-old girl, so I think I can honestly say that this is a great way to start a YA or middle grade novel. I would give you some sort of criticism, but I really can't think of anything (other than that you forgot the "y" in "every") to say... GREAT job.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

silvertouch — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 18:24:35 -0600

Oh, I would definitely keep reading. The 'one lone' bit seems kind of overkill, though; is there a reason why his singularity is important?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

tinkerbinker — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:32:18 -0600

Thank you! About the only reason that his singularity would be important would be because the novel is really about the scholar, but it's not needed in the first line. I'll definitely look into how I can remove the one lone bit because I do see how it seems like overkill. Thank you again!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

silvertouch — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:18:08 -0600

Ah! How did I leave that out? Thanks much. Hopefully I can get back to some more intensive writing once I've finished this major essay for school. I've only got a few chapters done and I do so love Tommy and our narrator.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:46:28 -0600

Novel A) I think it is bad form to open a scene, much less a novel with dialogue. The reader needs something to place the scene. Right now you have a character speaking in a void that is filled after the dialogue. It would be better if you said: My twin sister Bella slammed her pencil onto the table. "Where in the heck is Reykjavik?" Novel B) If you don't care if I don't read it, then I won't. Enough said about that. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:53:12 -0600

"The dreams were back again." Look at that sentence for a second. There is a redundancy. If the dreams are back, then they were there before. You do not need to tell me that they were back again. "The dreams were back." Much nicer. Now lets look at the verb/verb phrase. I try to avoid those state of being verbs, and they haunt me in many of my sentences. "Were." That is such a weak verb. I am sure that you can give us something that is a little more striking. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:58:42 -0600

I do not think that you need what follows the the semi-colon. Conall knew that villains didn't fall in love. I like it. Conall knew that villains didn't fall in love; it simply wasn't done. I like it, but not so much. Do not be tentative in posting. It takes a lot of guts to post something that people will critique. It's not personal, and if somebody makes it personal, chock it up to them being a jerk and move on. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:40:37 -0600

Hi, I've been hovering around in threads like these, but this line has drawn me out. This is a wonderful, wonderful line and s an excellent hook. I would read on. I agree with JSC that you should cut it to 'Conall knew that villains didn't fall in love.' It has much more impact that way. But 10/10 for your hook. Seriously.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

silvertouch — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:27:31 -0600

This is very intriguing and reminds me of an opening line of mine about a year back, but I think it would sound a bit better without the "My mom said that," because this implies that a) the mom no longer agrees with this or is no longer around (which may be the case, but this still weakens the impact), and b) it detracts from your narrators handle on his or her own story. "When I was born, my chest was still and my eyes were closed." You could add in the mom's part in after that if it actually matters, which it may: "When I was born, my chest was still and my eyes were closed. At least, that's what my mom says/said." All in all, this is a good, gripping line. I want to know if there's something wrong with the narrator, and I want to know why.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Spuggey — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 08:02:33 -0600

I like scenes that open with dialogue, providing it's grounded shortly afterwards. I do the same thing quite often, but then I don't believe there is 'form' or 'rules' in what is basically a creative process!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

PingXgeertje — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:29:02 -0600

[quote=unashamed.love] We were on our daily walk through the forest when she saw the rainbow. Olivia liked rainbows, so she was excited. I put two lines. :O [/quote] Rainbows :D Though I would change the second line. I can't really explain why, but it weakens the first one. Rigthio, I'm a bit of a cheater. My story officially starts with a very short prologue of two sentences 'Once upon a time, a farmgirl fell in love with a prince. It didn't end well' <- 'll be explained if you read the story But the main story starts with this 'Madame de Fleur was never ill.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 06:43:07 -0600

I like it, immediately questions pop in my head. For instance, what happened to the parents? What was Foreman doing that needed flour? Good work.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Steampunk avi8or — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 10:00:11 -0600

This is interesting. Do tits=nipples? But this sounds like the character is a confident guy, maybe he has a secret. It's a little funny, like a chuckle under your breath as you read funny, and it does make me want to go look at your excerpt. Yay!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nijusjaanu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:03:38 -0600

[quote=Wilson3sd] "He had tits, for lack of a better word, and he knew it." [/quote] haha! love this :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sparksbet — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 10:49:43 -0600

Starting a book in media rez (in the middle of dialogue or action) is very popular now, so that's what I treid to do for this.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 11:41:11 -0600

Ha, no he's just overweight and proportionally with his body are deposits of fat that look like breasts. Confident? Not really. He just has resigned himself to his physical state. I'm all for you checking out my excerpt, it's just from later (much, much later) in the story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:14:28 -0600

I agree that your first two lines should be consolidated. "As the factory bells tolled, Beatrix was perched precariously on the border between waking and sleeping." This makes the writing sound more mature and I would be much more likely to continue reading.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:15:29 -0600

I personally don't care for a first line starting with the word "it". Just too meaningless. Also maybe consider rewriting to remove "seemed", because how is it that the room only seemed to be hiding a threatening growl? Otherwise, though I am not a big fan of werewolf stories myself, I think your intended audience would happily read on.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Wilson3sd — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:10:19 -0600

I like "hiding," gives it a sense of action or immediacy.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:05:01 -0600

Definitely an interesting start, though I think a slightly less wordy version would be better. I suggest taking out "by wearing a green and brown shirt and pants". Maybe move that to the next sentence or so if you want. This way the reader can focus more on the action.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:46:52 -0600

Thanks! I think that that might be better as well.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:37:30 -0600

I think it's pretty good, makes me wonder what is going on that would make him feel this was with each step he took. Are there supposed to be quotation marks because someone is speaking the first line?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Erecura — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:26:24 -0600

[quote=Rukia23] Never piss off a white person, he said, because you know it is the American way to sue for everything. [/quote] Okay, first either put "never piss of a white person," and "because you know it is the American way to sue for everything" should either be in quote marks or in italics. But I liked it! I thought that it was intriguing and I wanted to know more. Mine is: Zoë Elliot never asked to lead a revolution.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 22:14:40 -0500

Muchos gracias! :-) I'll take that into consideration! I never thought about it from that angle before. Haha, I've yet to decide. ;D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kiddie-Icarus — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 22:26:14 -0500

I'm actually going to disagree with Bent over here. If you stuffed the sentence with details it wouldn't be the same. The hook would be boring if all the details were given to you in the first sentence. I mean, reading is an adventure! You don't decide if you care about someone with just one adjective or a few minor details. You care because you learn to love the charries over the next several pages. :) I really like the sentence like this because it's short and sweet without giving away too much info at once.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

nijusjaanu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:05:39 -0600

[quote=fuzz] Mine: There was a terrible scream and then the world changed forever. [/quote] I'd take out the "then" "There was a terrible scream and the world changed forever."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Moonlightwriter — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:36:48 -0600

It's a solid opening line, but it feels to mundane and normal. Unless that's waht your going for. The only problem is that it's not terribly intriguing in that sense. However, I like the addition of "their" becuase it makes the reader wonder who else is in the car with Bridget. Butas a Bridget (but in a dif spelling) I am inclined to like this. Good luck with your novel!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:40:57 -0600

My favourites are 'In high school, Lena was known as "the girl whose parents got murdered."' This says so much in such a short space. You don't have to go into specifics with this- it can just flow naturally through the story. It's also a great hook. 'When they were out of refried beans, it only meant one thing: double shift' I don't really get what this is saying, but I like the tone of it. The only thing I'd worry about is it doesn't seem to introduce any of the plot like the others do. It's not as useful, and it doesn't have a hook. The first line, where Lena is crying, is boring and sets up a whingy, angsty tone. Also, 'twenty minutes straight' seems like a weird comment to make- it's not really that long a time to cry- not to mention it has a very casual tone to it which introduced this early might switch some readers off. The last line, where Foreman spills the flour, is boring. The real news is that something is happening to Lena's parents. Why do we care if some flour is spilled? The reader wants to get into the action. The call isn't enough of a hook to make you dangle the info that way. Also, introducing the two characters in one line like that doesn't really work, especially since they aren't interacting at the time. So my ultimate preference is line 2.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DistantDreamerX — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:14:35 -0600

It is a line of dialogue, between two people who don't get along but are forced to work together. And there is a truck driving by at the time that she says the truck line. So i guess that means it's alright? And, i liked your second option best. It seems like it has the most potential, and i'd be more likely to keep reading a novel with that as the introduction, rather than the other 3

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:43:31 -0600

It's funny. All the comments you made were the same exact concerns I had about them, especially my first and third sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Honeybadger12345 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:42:34 -0600

I don't know. Something about this didn't flow for me. I did find it humorous, but all this info kind of just came into my mind too fast as I read it. The transition to "Okay, I lied" I think is too abrupt and happens too fast. This could probably be dealt by altering the wording a bit, or moving "Okay..." onto the next stanza. The "It was a beautiful..." and "It was a damp..." lines also sound too repetitive for me since they are so close together, and worded exactly the same, since they both follow the "It was a adjective and adjective-season day" format. I just don't think it hooked me as well as it could have, since I don't see the need to lie about the day.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:54:54 -0600

Well, that's a good sign. If I'm just confirming concerns you already had, then you have a clear idea of what to do. :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:00:46 -0600

Clunky indeed. My best friend (or what was left of her) was down there in the casket. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kimberly Dawn — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:06:57 -0600

[quote=helltank] It was midnight-perhaps not exactly at midnight, but certainly close to it-when the black riders arrived at the castle. [/quote] Strikes me as a bit overwritten. I might dump the story here depending on my mood. How about simply, "The Black riders arrived at the castle near midnight." Done.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:15:29 -0600

[quote=helltank] Most loading screens do not, in fact, make dinging sounds. Furthermore, your opening sentence doesn't capture my interest. I would probably flip the page, but I most likely wouldn't buy the book. Also, what is completion? You never define completion. All you said was that a green bar was crab-shuffling along the screen. So completion is the end of the screen? Most loading screens don't extend that far. On the bright side, it was pretty well written overall. The concept may not be so good, but the mechanics were good. [/quote] Thanks for your crit :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:40:13 -0600

[quote=Kookaburra17] Intro: "Hello. I do not know who you are or where you come from and let's keep it that way." Chapter One: "Burlap sacks, it seems, are very easy to tear straight across once you get going." [/quote] Both of them hint at things to come, and are very engaging. Why would someone be writing a letter to someone they don't know? Why is someone tearing sacks? Both good lines.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kookaburra17 — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:24:01 -0600

Well I'm glad they're interesting; usually I have a hard time writing the very first lines. *lol* Thank you for the feedback. :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:00:58 -0600

[quote=Ginaxx] This is the opening line for my prologue :) “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!” [/quote] It's simple, and intriguing. Who's the boy? Why is he looking away? Who's swearing at him? I hope it's not his teacher ;) I'd read on to get my answers to the questions above.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:21:16 -0600

I love this:) It is humorous and is definitely something I'd at least skim the first few pages to see if I'd want to read the rest of:)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:08:05 -0600

[quote=ArtsyGal] Isabel lives in a small, forgettable building, squished between two towering cathedrals. [/quote] Nice. I liked this, and i would definately read on to find out if the rest's good. Nice job.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:05:07 -0600

[quote=ArtsyGal] Isabel lives in a small, forgettable building, squished between two towering cathedrals. [/quote] Cute, quaint and funny. But why are there TWO cathedrals so close to each other that they squish Isabel's house? Does she live in the Vatican city? I like your language enough to read another line, or two, or three . . . depending on where it goes from here.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:09:05 -0600

[quote=Celticsmc12] The knife glinted like a beacon in the darkness, flashing in an arc of dim light over the face of a girl. [/quote] This definately intrigued me, and I would read more, seeing as it seems my type of book. I really enjoyed this. Now, for my own. He had never been dead before, but there was always a first.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Eyes of Fire — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:48:01 -0600

You definitely caught me on that one. I definitely would read on. Good job!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ginaxx — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:28:25 -0600

[quote=frenziedmythology] He had never been dead before, but there was always a first. [/quote] Cute and funny, and sets the mood for a comedy-esque story. I would definitely continue reading this so I could find out what had happened to the character “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!”

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:09:09 -0600

[quote=frenziedmythology] He had never been dead before, but there was always a first. [/quote] Great! What about (if you use contractions in your novel) make it: "He had never been dead before, but there's always a first." Of course I'd read on. Dead guy with humor. Who can resist that? I hope he's something more awesome than a ghost though. Or if a ghost, more awesome than ectoplasm and see-through-ness... ;)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

writergirl1995 — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:11:08 -0600

Couple things-- not sure what May Eve is, unless it's something specifically in your novel-- and I think 'cast' should be 'casts,' as cast is past tense and you're talking about just a general thing. And I'm not sure the adverb is necessary. Other than that, good. It makes me wonder how old Folkvar even is if every twenty-five years would appear to happen more often than three times in his lifetime. As for mine-- Jade wondered about her father sometimes-- but not that often, because if she wondered too often, it would imply that she cared.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:23:14 -0600

[quote=words rising] Every twenty-five years on May Eve, Folkvar cast his runes precisely at midnight. [/quote] Hmm... Not eactly my genra... I think. A few things that striked me: * I'm not a native English speaker so I actually had to look up "cast runes." -- I thought it meant throwing huge rune stones, like the ones we have in Sweden, and I was utterly confused as to why someone would do that. The actuall meaning made a lot more sence. It could perhaps be more intriguing to start with Folkvar actually throwing the runes on the white cloth.. Like describe the preparation and the throw in one consice scentence. Yes that's a dare! *I think it's abit weird to call it May Eve if Folkvar is supposed to be some wiking-kind-of-guy. May is so roman callendar, isn't it? *Damn he must be old, thinking of this as a tradition... Is he a wiking demon? An immortal? Did he throw them the first time when he was 25? Why only every 25 years?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ginaxx — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:46:59 -0600

[quote=writergirl1995] Jade wondered about her father sometimes-- but not that often, because if she wondered too often, it would imply that she cared. [/quote] I like the way this is worded. It's interesting and catches my attention, immediately bringing up the questions: What happened to her father? Why doesn’t she care about him? Is he dead? Did he leave? (ect). I would definitely continue reading. Here’s to hoping my line doesn’t get skipped again! :D “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!”

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 16:01:42 -0600

[quote=Ginaxx] “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!” [/quote] That's something that piqued my curiosity, and I would read on. I don't really LIKE cursing, but I don't exactly HATE it because I read Orson Scott Card and watch X-Men. And other Marvel movies.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

writergirl1995 — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:08:52 -0600

[quote=Ginaxx] “Damnit boy, look at me when I talk to you!” [/quote] I think I'd have to read the next couple sentences to make an accurate decision on whether I would read on or not. I'm not the hugest fan of quotations being the first line of a novel-- though I have done it once, but I plan on changing it once I get around to editing it-- unless there's a good reason for it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 10:16:14 -0600

I would detail the bloody scene rather than be vague about it, but it is a strong start.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Loki Mischief-Maker — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:57:23 -0600

I'd read on -- but like Kimberly Dawn, I'd really prefer a few details about the bloody scene in the first sentence rather than the vague phrasing. It does sound like you've set your scene fairly strongly, however.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Eyes of Fire — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:48:46 -0600

Whoops, that was meant for Celticsmc12!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:05:39 -0600

I really like that, it kind of makes me want to know what's going to happen next. I don't suppose you would mind telling? Anyway here's mine, it's not brilliant but I've never been that good at opening lines. 'My name is Twenty-Three and I was one of the last boys to arrive for the evening meal but it couldn’t be helped and at least I made it in time for a small wooden plate to be passed into my hands and my heart leapt to see a thick slice of rye bread and a whole peach.'

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Loki Mischief-Maker — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:28:48 -0600

That's really evocative, and it paints a really vivid picture. It's certainly very gripping, the contrast between the smile and the blood.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:15:26 -0600

[quote=Medd] Steven doesn't smoke. I can tell by the way his unaccustomed fingers fumble around the cigarette for a comfortable hold. When the the fumes hit his throat, he chokes. Little white plumes coughed back into the frigid air, swirling and dispersing. [/quote] I like the first line "Steven doesn't smoke." It is short wich makes it easy to read, and your reader still has the attention span to take another sentence in the go. It doesn't say a hell of a lot though, but in my opinion it's exactly why it works. "Steven doesn't smoke." I'm sure there are a million of other things that Steven doesn't do ( but "Steven doesn't eat fish." would have been less interesting...), so why is the smoking important here? It forces me to read at least one more line to find out either why he doesn't smoke, or why it's important that he doesn't. The second line is good as well. It gives me as a reader a glimps of the MC, and tells me that Steve wants to impress him/her. The line "Little white plumes coughed back into the firdgid air, swirling and dispersing." seems a bit of from the rest of the style. It's sort of akwardly poetic in comparission to the rest. Mine: Running had become Tomasso's replacement for sleep.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:33:52 -0600

@ Brick_Walls_Break : Thanks for the critique. Glad you like the name. It's one of his many ;) [quote=Brick_Walls_Break] “I’ve got a movie star name,” I said as I pulled a card from the pile. [/quote] If I had picked this book up due to the cover or blurb, I'd read on. As a first line it seems a bit random though. As if "I" is telling me some information that isn't important to the story it self. It does however snap me in to an event immediately which is nice. Nit-picky grammar thing: If "I" says "I've got a movie star name" AS she/he pulls a card from the pile (deck?), then it implies that the actions occur simultaneously -- saying and pulling happens at the same time. I'm guessing that what you are going for is that the card tells "I" he/she has a movie starr name? Unless "I" can tell the future or has X-ray vission, he/she wouldn't know untill after reading the card. Mine (alternative): Running had become Tomasso’s replacement for sleep, but tonight it was his opium.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 04:16:14 -0600

Thank you!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

inthemargins — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 19:51:56 -0600

Kinda gives me the impression that it's about football (soccer). It also makes me wonder how he injured his toe... and why it's just his toe... I like. Mine: The heat of the morning burned Bates' face; he cursed, because he thought the blackout curtains had promised him endless night.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SilvestraNebula — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 00:30:23 -0600

[quote=inthemargins] Mine: The heat of the morning burned Bates' face; he cursed, because he thought the blackout curtains had promised him endless night. [/quote] For some reason, I don't think you should put Bates'. It might be mysterious but you should just describe him instead like: The heat of the morning burned the tall, regal stranger's face; he cursed, because he thought the blackout curtains had promised him endless night. Haha, sorry I don't know how Bates' looks like. Mine: "There is no other choice. Just this or the "doctor's" cutting table," my father's icy voice rang across the furnished hall like the sound of steel-on-steel.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 02:54:54 -0600

[quote=ELOAgent] We don’t find out the meaning of life by ourselves, alone…we find out with another…unfortunately most of the time we never figure out who that other person is until it’s too late. There’s an invaluable lesson to this story: It doesn’t matter how many hours, days, or infinite years we have together with the people we love, all that matters is the moments that we share with them today. [/quote] Well.. your use of elipses gives you a longer first line, but in my opinion it takes away some of it's effect. It's a strong point you're making here, and it deffinately sets the tone, and races my expectations for the novel. I would try to rewrite it, taking away the elipses. As it is, it's a bit dragging. Instead of being BAM. WHAM. WHACK! We don't find out the meaning of life by ourselves, alone -- we find outh with another. Unfortunately, most of the time we never figure out who that other person is until it's too late. Or maybe not... Hmm... I guess the elipses gives it a more chilly feel . . . like a cold winters day -- the lingering breath after someone murdered by the preson they loved. Okay. I need to shut up. To sum up. I like it. I'm not thrilled by the elipses but perhaps they set the tone you're looking for. You're the author ;)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:24:39 -0600

Oh dear.. I appologize for my overuse of the word "actually". =/

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Eyes of Fire — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 05:30:10 -0600

Thanks! :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Collen — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:54:40 -0600

Well, I wouldn't want to expose everything in the first paragraph - instead it's gradually exposed over the chapter, weaving in and out of the dialog and the description of other things. It isn't a big secret, and isn't meant to seem like one - I just don't like bluntly stating things, especially when I could use many more paragraphs to shed a greater amount of light on the situation at hand in the world they live in. Plus, it's a good thing you're wondering all of those questions - it entices you to read onward, hooks the reader into plunging into my carefully constructed worlds. Because you can't stop there - This is exposition country. ...Onto your opening line, I like it. However, one thing I do not like is how you jump from describing the book to describing the boy in the second sentence. Here's a suggestion: "The sun streamed in through the window and bleached the pages blinding white, the dust motes almost silver, and its reader's skin nearly cream. I think it sort of... flows better.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Heretics-Hammer — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 13:33:23 -0600

[quote=Sunerun] Here's mine from nano 2010: The light in Aine's lantern was dimming. [/quote] If you replace "was dimming" with "slowly faded" it might sound better.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 00:39:07 -0600

I disagree with this. I much prefer dimming. I also think you have a fairly solid first line here, although I hope the next one has a stronger hook in it to keep me reading.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Sophie Odette — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 08:42:23 -0600

I like this - direct and humorous - I would be interested to see what follows.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:48:00 -0600

Thank you for the reply. :) I'm glad you like it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:12:19 -0600

[quote=WritingLucky] Charlie knew that he couldn’t actually make Shane Ramsey burst into unholy flames just by glaring at him…but it couldn’t hurt to try. Just in case. [/quote] I think you can take out the word "unholy" at this point. You can use it later perhaps when you've described what unholy flames are, but at this point it's confusing to the reader, as most people have no idea what 'unholy' flames are (what makes them different from regular flames?). Keep your language plain: if you are describing something that the reader is not familiar with, then describe it in plain terms. Using a term like "unholy flames" just leaves me confused.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:21:08 -0600

[quote=Test Tube Tempest] 1) "There are four televisions in this Wyoming diner off the main highway, and each screen is pointed at my booth by the door like a cocked gun, threatening, pinning me to my seat. " [/quote] I like this one, but I'm sure about the word "this". When you say "this Wyoming diner" it maybe makes the reader think they should already know about the diner, it's just a tiny bit off-putting for a very first sentence. Spoonfeed the reader a tiny bit more. Maybe instead "There are four televisions in the Wyoming diner that I'm currently sitting comfortably in, and each screen is pointed directly at my booth by the door like a cocked gun: threatening, pinning me to my seat. It's just an idea, to remove the word "this". [quote=Test Tube Tempest] 2) "It’s 3am and I find myself wearily walking through the valley of the shadow of death; it’s located in line behind register one in Wal-Mart." [/quote] Good opener, though I have no idea what "the valley of the shadow of death" means, so it might be better to explain more clearly what you mean by this. I might be alone in being confused by it though.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:21:41 -0600

I meant to say NOT sure about the word "this".

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 09:58:04 -0600

Zack, I somewhat agree with your point about "this", but with the 1st person narrator, I think it works well enough. However, I thought your proposed solution was a bit clunky. The added words are extraneous, as we already know from the rest of the sentence that the narrator is sitting in the diner. Alternately, I think the sentence could be simplified: There are four televisions in the diner, and each screen is pointed at my booth like a cocked gun, threatening, pinning me to my seat. Notice I removed a couple prepositional phrases. "off the highway" and "by the door" aren't really necessary, and only serve to distract the reader from what is important. I also took out "Wyoming". All of that info can be added in later. I think the trimmed down version gives the sentence more punch. Beware of sentences with too many prepositional phrases. They can become a juggling act for the reader to try to keep the relationships straight.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Test Tube Tempest — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:25:01 -0500

Thanks for the suggestions. Just fyi, walking through "the valley of the shadow of death" is from that bit in the Bible that is always read at funerals. My character is neurotic and thinks he's dying.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 11:50:52 -0500

[quote=Banespawn] Zack, I somewhat agree with your point about "this", but with the 1st person narrator, I think it works well enough. However, I thought your proposed solution was a bit clunky. The added words are extraneous, as we already know from the rest of the sentence that the narrator is sitting in the diner. Alternately, I think the sentence could be simplified: There are four televisions in the diner, and each screen is pointed at my booth like a cocked gun, threatening, pinning me to my seat. Notice I removed a couple prepositional phrases. "off the highway" and "by the door" aren't really necessary, and only serve to distract the reader from what is important. I also took out "Wyoming". All of that info can be added in later. I think the trimmed down version gives the sentence more punch. Beware of sentences with too many prepositional phrases. They can become a juggling act for the reader to try to keep the relationships straight. [/quote] Cool. It looks good.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 07:43:43 -0600

Whose perspective is this? If the girl is the POV, then this doesn't work. If someone else is the POV, it can work. As Carramae said, it's hard to critique this without additional context. Telling us whose bed it is would help. The girl standing by my bed has wings. The girl standing by John's bed has wings.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 07:51:45 -0600

I like it. Some good word choices. It doesn't have a hook, but I'm not one who believes that every 1st line must have an awesome hook. In a shorter work, sure, but in a novel, I'll give you a paragraph at least to pique my interest.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Carramae — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 09:11:03 -0500

Thanks for the reply, and the advice:)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 16:34:08 -0500

I like the idea of starting with dialogue, especially with a phrase like that, it creates urgency and plunges the reader straight into the story. However, the part after that seems to me like you're trying to put too much into one sentence. If I were you, I would have the 'HELP ME!!' as a sentence on its own so there's less to think about. I would put something like '"HELP ME!!" That terrified scream made me want to leave the hole I was hidden in.' or something like that. However, I do like your choice of words for most of it. 'terrified' is always a good one. Hope that helps

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jefflion — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 12:04:20 -0500

I like this one because it makes you want to know about her and her reasons for being in this dark room feeling bad, as it seems. I'm not sure I'm crazy about the "like a dying bird" part. (Unless she is a bird or if there's some twist to this). Seems a bit "purplish". However, I am biased here because I know many people who don't mind it. Mine (from NaNo 2010): "The first thing Sarah did on her seventeenth birthday, was to go to the bathroom and shove a toothbrush handle deep down her throat."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 08:14:33 -0500

I adore this! Especially the metaphor 'like a dying bird'. It's beautiful and, in my opinion, not purplish at all. I can really picture it- it's meaningful.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 10:12:54 -0500

I disagree about starting with dialogue, particularly in this case. If I had a nickel for every story I've seen that starts with someone shouting something, I'd be very rich. That's not to say that it can't be made to work, but I've never seen it work. Dialogue is inherently dramatic. Using it as an opening line is therefore a bit of a cop out. And having the person shouting (with all caps and 2 exclamation points) is just melodramatic. There's no context. We don't know who is screaming or why. Just because the character is excited doesn't mean the reader is going to be. “HELP ME!!” was the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in. The sentence construction needs some work as well. Try to avoid using "to be". It is the weakest verb in the english language. It conveys absolutely nothing to the reader other than a state of being. Don't avoid it all the time. Sometimes you will need it. But when you can replace it with a stronger verb, do so. John was taller than the other children. John was running down the street. John was running down the street when the car hit him. In the first example, the use of "was" is fine, though the description is very dry. Replace most of these when you can. You could rewrite it as: John towered over the other children. Notice the difference between the second and third examples. In the 3rd, the action was interrupted. He was running when something happened. The 3rd sentence is fine, but the 2nd should be rewritten as: John ran down the street. the terrified scream I heard that made me want to get out of the hole I was in. The rest of the sentence really diminishes any impact "HELP ME" might have had. Whoever is screaming certainly seems upset, but the narrator doesn't seem too concerned. Replacing "want" with "desperate" or "pray" would help. And you generally don't want to end sentences with prepositions. In this case the phrase "I was in" is unnecessary. If the narrator wants to get out of the hole, then the implication is that the narrator must be in the hole, so there is no reason to explicitly write it. Here are some examples of how I might do it. Feel free to use them, or not, as you choose. A terrified voice screamed for help somewhere above me. Smooth stones, fitted together with such precision that a spider couldn't find a handhold, lined the walls of the pit. I pressed my hands against my ears, a meager defense against the screams that echoed off the smooth stone walls of the pit. It is better IMO to have a small hook, or no hook at all, than a melodramatic hook.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:42:36 -0500

I would remove the comma after BIRTHDAY and before WAS, it doesn't seem right to me. Otherwise, good.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 18:15:10 -0500

It doesn't seem right to you because it is a comma splice and incorrect. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 19:18:03 -0500

Ok, so it's not just me. Thanks

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jefflion — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 23:16:57 -0500

Oh, ok, thanks. It's actually a translation from my original work that's not in English so I'm not really bothered by the grammar. I just wanted to see how it sounds as an opening line.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jefflion — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 23:44:49 -0500

EDIT: Sorry for sounding ungrateful/bitter. Thanks for pointing this our and thank you for the critique.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 15:16:13 -0500

Oh, that's fine; I didn't think that you sounded ungrateful or bitter ;)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jefflion — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:47:06 -0500

Well, the main idea behind these critiques is that you shouldn't be defensive; and that's how my comment sounds. Plus, your critique made me learn something new. This comma use is correct in my language so I guess I was clueless about differences between languages.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Donnerkeil — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:21:23 -0500

I love how casual your narrator sounds about being in such a situation. I'm assuming they're in trouble with the law? Makes me wonder what they did.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 08:18:36 -0500

I'm not hugely enamoured of this line. Firstly, starting with the weather is boring and done a lot. Torrential rain is also an extremely commonly used phrase; you're not showing off your amazing writing skills here. Take the opportunity. The description of the wind as 'like the devil's breath' seems melodramatic to me, as well as not really saying anything I can visualise. I'm not one who believes every first line has to be a hook, but I would really encourage you to start with something happening, or set the scene by starting with the character. Just not the weather. Also, just so you know, you don't need the comma. In fact, I think that's incorrect usage. Good luck and sorry if it seems harsh!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dylan K Ryan — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:30:45 -0500

Actually, the comma is used properly. " The wind whipped like the Devil's breath," can stand on its own as a full sentence so it does need a comma.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 14:42:19 -0500

You don't need both the comma and "and" in that sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

beanza3 — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 15:48:08 -0500

Really, you need both the comma and the and. About the sentence... I find it perfectly fine, I don't find it very interesting, so unless your paragraph has a good hook in it, the weather is a bit of a dull subject... It's written fine, but, not very intresting.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Donnerkeil — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 16:13:30 -0500

Thank you for the feedback. This is actually my first time having something I've written for fun critiqued, so it was interesting for me to see what other people thought. I'll redo the opening line and the whole first paragraph as well. I went back to re-read it with what you guys said in mind and I wasn't quite feeling it anymore. But thank you though, I feel like I learned quite a lot just from reading what everyone had to say.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 07:59:07 -0500

I stand corrected. You're right that both the comma and the "and" are required. I should have looked it up to begin with, but it was one of those little rules I thought I understood but really didn't :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:34:15 -0500

[quote=Dylan K Ryan] The first night after my death, my boyfriend got wasted. [/quote] I think it's an okay first line. It gives me the essence of the story. Whoever's POV we're following is dead and is probably a ghost or something similar. I'd read on to see what was comming up. I mean I'd like an explanation as to why the boyfriend got wasted. Was it to celebrate or to drown his sorrow? Grammar is good, but I'd be surpriced if anyone screw up the grammar in such a short, straight forward sentence. Yep. I'd read on, and I'd be interested as to what the premis is.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Gray Nomad — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:06:04 -0500

I would find that hard to understand ans feel it labels the story YA which of course if it is than that is fantastic you are reaching your chosen genre. I would read the next line looking for more information and that is the point of an opening line to get people to want to read further.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dylan K Ryan — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 17:01:01 -0500

Thank you for the critique. :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ihazabeard — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 15:12:09 -0500

[quote=fni] It felt as if I was breaking an unwritten rule reading Anna Braam’s diary, but since she had been dead for over three hundred years, and my boss had told me to read it, I did [/quote] This is very interesting, I definitely want to read on. The sentence is just on the right side of too long, any longer and I think the grammar might start to come funny. The last bit though - "I did" - it doesn't seem to fit. Even though it's just a sentence, there's a lot of build up to the end of the sentence and I think you could do with re-phrasing it. Though it's up to you. I hope I helped!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Badly Drawn Girl — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 16:16:56 -0500

I really like it. If you can describe weather so engagingly, I want to hear your story! I might delete "and its inhabitants" unless that specific term is crucial to what comes next (inhabitants of the ground makes me think of tiny creatures possibly in a fantasy novel). I quite like the idea of the ground alone seeming to have done the clouds some deep personal wrong.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 08:09:11 -0500

"I am describing" really distances the reader from the story. It places the narrator somewhere and somewhen other than where/when the story is occuring. As a reader, I want to witness the story as it happens. Rain pounded the muddy ground as though the earth had done the clouds some deep personal wrong. This makes it seem like we are witnessing it as it happens, rather than being told about it after the fact. Also, notice how I used a stronger verb (pounded) rather than an adverb (violently).

Re: Critique on your opening line.

sovay — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 18:36:15 -0500

The line itself isn't particularly dramatic, but it doesn't have to be - I think it gets the job done pretty well. Namely, it makes us wonder who's phoning and what they're phoning about. The next line has to be equally compelling, though, because I don't think this line itself can just carry the story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 08:20:08 -0500

I'm not a fan of unattributed pronouns. Instead of "she", why not use the person's name? Or at least add some emphasis on "she" to indicate that this is a specific person. I was making myself a cup of tea when she phoned. Pretty bland. There's no hook here. I was making myself a cup of tea when Mary phoned. Still pretty bland, but at least I know who called. I was making myself a cup of tea when she phoned. This has more of a hook. By italicizing "she", I show that this person has special meaning to the narrator. Now I'm more interested in actually finding out who "she" is and what the narrator's deal is with her.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Badly Drawn Girl — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 19:05:25 -0500

Thanks! I might now have to go and try the 200-word critique thread to see about that next sentence... :) (I think the same applies to yours - it makes me wonder where she has got to and why there are crowds? But I'll leave that to the next person to critique.)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ice-Spirit Phoenix — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:34:02 -0500

While this is a functional sentence, I think it could be much stronger. Right now it invokes a feeling of mild interest, but most of that is generated in the second half with the mention of the crowds. It might be helpful to give at least a preliminary description of where Poppy is. The two main weaknesses I see in the sentence (and this may just be my opinion so take this advice with a grain of salt) are the word "there" and the fact that "had" is used twice. One way to get around both "there" and the first "had" would be to switch the order a bit and maybe start with "By the time Poppy arrived..." Otherwise it's a good start and it does generate enough interest to at least read on, but why not shoot for amazing ^_~

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 08:23:43 -0500

I agree with Ice-Spirit about "there". "there" means nothing to me because I don't know where "there" is. Be specific.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 12:15:26 -0500

I like this; it sets the scene to an extent and it’s funny and makes me think that parts of the story aren’t going to be taken too seriously which is good. I would say that whoever is saying this is probably fairy cynical, I don’t know why, it’s just a feeling but I do like this line.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 14:32:17 -0500

This reminds me of the opening to So Long and Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams. That evening it was dark early, which was normal for the time of year. It was cold and windy, which was normal. It started to rain, which was particularly normal. A spacecraft landed, which was not.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Paul Dale — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 12:55:53 -0500

Wow, powerful. Makes me want to know more.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 08:54:43 -0500

The opening line where the narrator is dead, or is going to die, has been done to death, if you'll forgive the pun. It's become a cliche. But if you are intent of using death here, try to spice it up a little. Make it more unexpected. Maybe something like: I felt like a kid on Christmas eve as I awaited the moment of my death. That may not fit your story, but hopefully it gives you some ideas. Death by itself is no longer shocking and does nothing to pull me into the story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 13:03:19 -0500

Thank you, but do not worry it is not entended to shock. It just sounds diffrent out of context.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Ice-Spirit Phoenix — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 09:19:48 -0500

Well the story I've been writing is attempting to be humor and does involve space ships so I guess I'm not surprised to hear this. Though what's sad in all of this is that I've yet to read the Hitchhiker's guide despite it sitting above my bed.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:51:53 -0500

It's ok, but I think it could be a bit shorter and snappier if you know what I mean. I like how it sets the scene though, whilst leaving us in the dark enough for us to still have quiestions. I'd put something like 'When Mason went missing, I immediately put everything I knew into two groups: the things I could tell the police, and the things he wouldn't want me to.' I'd mention lying in the next sentence if I needed to. Hope that helps

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:13:14 -0500

Three things here. 1) The priest Since you are starting with him, I assume he's important to the story, probably the POV for this scene. Could you be more specific? Something like Father John perhaps? 2) looked, felt Words like looked, watched, heard, saw, felt, etc. are best avoided when possible. They tend to distance the reader from the story as they read more like a second hand account of the events. 3) sad Rather than tell us the priest is sad, why not show us? Here is an example of what I mean: Father John whispered a prayer, invoking the holy trinity, as he knelt beside the dying man's bed. In seminary school, he had been taught the benefits of emotional detachment. He had been taught that the sadness of death could not compare to the glory of heaven. Those lessons did nothing to stop the tear rolling down his cheek. Now, this is obviously 4 sentences rather that 1, but showing takes more words than telling. Sometimes telling is preferable, but the important stuff should be shown. I told you that he went to seminary school and some of the lessons he learned there. It isn't necessary to the story or the reader's understanding of it that the priest's time at school be shown. The information is presented only to contrast his showing of emotion.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:04:42 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] The priest looked at the dying man across the room and felt sad for him. --JSC [/quote] I agree with previous posters. I think however that the weakest part in this line is the "felt sad for him." In my opinion it would be okay to have The priest/Father So-and-So looked at the dying man across the room, if something more show-y followed. I have some adittional questions: What kind of "sad" does he feel for the dying man? Is it the pitty-kind or sorrow-kind or empathy-kind of sad? I can't really tell from the sentence, and hence it would be super to have a "action" that describes what the priest feels. Does this room have special roll? Could a more specific noun than "room" be used?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:32:16 -0500

[quote=ArtsyGal] The house, which he had expected, at the most, to be a summer cottage, looked like a patchwork quilt of different styles from different ages. [/quote] I think it's an okay line but that it could be a bit stronger. My biggest concern with this is the use of the word "different" twice in a 4-word range. I'm also assuming that the house is big since he had expected it to be a summer cottage (and in my mind those arn't that big). Though I like the immage of a patchwork quilt, I'm not sure it conveys the exact immage you're after. . . but then again, I'm assuming this house is big based on that summer cottage notation. If the house is indeed big, this is my suggestion. The house, which he had expected, at the most, to be a summer cottage, looked like a colossal monumnet over every style in architechture since the cavemens' grotto. Don't know how true it rings to your narration, but welcome to take and modify after own taste.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:40:58 -0500

[quote=forever_unwritten] The dusty sand prickled my back as I hid under a pile of coconuts. [/quote] This is fun and intriguing. Why is (s)he hiding? Why on earth is (s)he hiding under a pile of coconuts? Two things: 1. The dusty sand prickled my back --> Take away the adjektive as it doesn't add to the immage. 2. I hid under a pile of coconuts --> Is (s)he really hiding UNDER a pile of coconuts? because that might hurt. . . The sand prickled my back as I hid behind the pile of coconuts. Or if (s)he is indeed hiding UNDER a pile of coconuts: Grains of sand cut into my back as I hid under a pile of coconuts

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ArtsyGal — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:03:55 -0500

Thank you so much for the critique, I haven't been quite happy with it ever since I tried to modify it. (And that's better than the first try even) I didn't even notice the usage of different so close together, so thank you for pointing that out. Your suggestion doesn't quite fit what I'm going for, but it does give me a couple ideas to work with:)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

forever_unwritten — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:05:18 -0500

"Under a pile of coconuts" is correct, the next sentence explains that its a stand with coconuts, made to look like a large pile of coconuts. Thank you^^

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:44:14 -0500

I like the 2nd version better. "Hesitated" has the connotation of a short pause IMO. So I don't think it works with "long time" unless you are going for a comedic effect. By that token, I'm not sure if you need "for a moment" in the second version since it is implied by "hesitated". Ultimately, I think I'd look for something other than "hesitated". I think you could do better. I snuffed out my cigarette in the ashtray, then stabbed my thigh with the kitchen knife. Just an example. There's a million ways you could go with it. But I'd like to see something a bit more substantial than "hesitated".

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:58:23 -0500

After finishing another round of chemotherapy, the priest listened to the labored breathing of the dying man in the bed across the room and shook his head. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:45:22 -0500

Bah, stupid no edit feature. Last paragraph wasn't supposed to be bolded, obviously.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:51:33 -0500

You're right there's a million things to do instead of hesitate. I took a deep breath, then stabbed my thigh with the kitchen knife. I counted to three, I squeezed my eyes shut, I bit down on the book, - actually I kinda like that one

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:02:34 -0500

Damnit, I meant to post that as a new thread. But as to your lines, I have to say that I enjoyed the second version better than the first only because of the space of time--a long time versus a moment. You can see this two ways. The first is that in the second line, the stabbing has been premeditated, and the moment is the final acceptance of an act that has already been decided upon. The long time tends to make one think that the narrator is contemplating stabbing their thigh. The first sentence will lead to a longer dicourse on thought and rationalization, the second sentence should lead to explation of why.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:35:56 -0500

The way this is written makes it sound like the priest just finished a round a chemo. I'm assuming you meant the dying man. Also, "listened" is another one of those words better left out. How about this: After finishing another round of chemotherapy, the dying man lay in his bed, laboring to breathe. Father John shook his head. I still don't love it. Could we replace "the dying man" with something less impersonal? After finishing another round of chemotherapy, Frank lay in his bed, laboring to breathe. Father John shook his head.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:44:28 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] After finishing another round of chemotherapy, the priest concentrated on 1 Thelassonians 5, attemping to lessen his despair over the labored breathing of the dying man in the bed across the room. [/quote] I think it's to long and run on. Also if this isn't aimed at an exclusively practicing Christian audience, I'd say that the 1Thelassonian 5, is disstracting. Since I wouldn't have any idea what that mean if you hadn't posted the info, I'd be like: "hmm. . . okay. . I guess that's a bible thing." And by then I'd already lost track of the words from the first part of the sentence, only vagely remembering the gist of it. Here's an attempt to keep it true to your sentence but a bit less run on. I'm not an nativ English speaker so sometimes I'm not sure about terms. For example "ward" and "bed neighbour" I translated from what I'd say in Swedish. Back in the ward, after another round of chemotherapy, the priest turnd to prayer, asking God to relieve his bed neighbour from his suffering. Good luck!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:24:40 -0500

[quote=Evie Rushwind] The elaborate chrome facade of the Population Control Centre shone radiantly in the light of the sun. [/quote] Critique I think this can turn into a great imagery with some polishing. Instead of weak adjectives (and many adjectives) use strong verbs. As Anton Chekhov would put it -- "Brevity is the sister of talent." The brass facade of the Centre for Population Control glared in the sun light. Yeah I changed the name of your center because I think Centre of Population Control sounds more byrocratic than. Population Control Centre. And I made it into a brass facade because that makes for a more impressive impression. I think chrom is a bit to cold a color to be shining radiantly in the sunlight. Brass would more give the burn your eyes feel when you look at it, and that way the CPC can really make the population know haow small they are. Like ants under a magnifying glass. Oh, one of these days I'm writing a dystrophia with an opressing overpover. One of these days. I'm guessing this is a dystrophia,b

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:26:18 -0500

never mind that b hanging onto the last sentence. Only a typo.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 19:46:00 -0500

That is a rather unusual sentence, to say the least. It's a bit like 'love at first sight' I suppose, I'm guessing that's what you're playing on, but it seems a bit weak somehow. Not sure if it works or not. Maybe if you go straight into what the sound is and who what hearing it, you might be able to get away with it. 'It was empathy at first hearing. The scream seemed to hit me harder than I would have thought possible'. Or something like that, if you know what I mean. It really depends on your next sentence, I think it could either work out really well or really badly depening on that. Hope that helps.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:02:40 -0500

It was empathy at first hearing. The moment that Father Michael Donovan heard the gurgled breathing of the dying man, he felt pity for him. Oh, it works. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 10:26:55 -0500

Yeah, it works. I'd probably try and make the next sentence a bit snappier though: 'It was empathy at first hearing. The moment Father Donovan heard the gurgling of the dying man, he pitied him.' Or something along those lines. But that's just what I think.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 05:48:14 -0500

[quote=TheAllegorist476] It is cold here. (Can't get much simpler than that!) [/quote] You're right. It can't get much simpler than that. . . But it's also pretty unspecific. It's so short that I guess people will just read the next sentence per automatics, but if the sentence doesn't have a deep meaning -- as in it's four words that catches the whole theem of your novel -- I'd suggest being a bit more specific. It all depends on what your next sentence is I guess. Since I have no idea what the premis for the opening scene is I'll just give a few examples as to how you could be more specific: My prison cell is no warmer than a hailstorm. The cave steals the warmth from my body. The north pole is colder than I had expected. Or even: It's cold here under the surface.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:57:18 -0500

The simplicity is something of an attempt to pull the reader into the text, but I do see what you mean. Explanation develops throughout the rest of the passage, but I realized that I never explicitly state the location (though I think it can be easily derived, at least geographically.) Thank you for your critique, perhaps I should alter the sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 13:25:10 -0500

Feeling pity for someone and pitying someone are two very large although semantically similar things. The priest does not pity the man because of the situation. He pities the situation the man is in. It is interesting how the substituon of one single ending of a word, or the addition of an article can change the meaning. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 14:03:09 -0500

You don't necessarily have to change that sentence. It really depends on the mood you're trying to set and whether or not the following senteces give meaning and context to that line. Many fine novels have started with short and/or non-descript lines like that: "Call me Ishmael." - Moby Dick by Herman Melville "124 was spiteful." - Beloved by Toni Morrison And my personal favorite: "See the child." - Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy If you explain that sentence with the following (or if you simply write using sparse prose), an ambiguous opening line can be memorable and powerful. Just my opinion.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 15:33:39 -0500

Like Chug20 says, it really depends on what follows.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:56:17 -0500

Okay, not quite sure what you mean there but I'm sure your right, so no need to explain further. Yeah, I think your way fits too anyway. You know what I mean about it being snappier though? Hope that helps

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 14:08:31 -0500

Sorry, but where I wrote "explain that sentence," I meant "build up that sentence." I can't seem to find an option to edit a post.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:18:35 -0500

Interesting, it manages to capture my attention effectively enough. But honestly, I might split these sentences up so that a little more detail can be added. After all, bombs are going off. Or something bomb-like. Maybe describe the sound, the heat, etc.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:41:19 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] Red flashes lit around Aren's head as fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing away at the them and leaving the archers dangling for their lives. [/quote] I like the picture this opening paints, but I wonder if it can be kicked up a bit. Flaming boulders screamed through the night sky, casting an aura of red that surrounded Aren and his men. Huge chunks of rock were being ripped away from the castle wall with each crashing projectile, and most of the archers who had once been firing down with bravery and precision were left either dead or fleeing. The few who remained could be seen clutching at the stone wall, praying that it not give way and leave them to smashing into the ground far below. I'm not sure if I like mine any better, but I think if you used more descriptive and forceful words, you could bring your interesting beginning to life.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Dragonwings — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:53:19 -0500

I like that sentence. Definitely leaves me interested. :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:43:14 -0500

Okay, thanks :) I'll try ;)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:44:06 -0500

Oh, and subtract the final "to" in the last sentence. Is there an edit function I'm missing or do you really have to just reply to explain mistakes rather than being able to fix them?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:48:51 -0500

There's no edit thing that I know of, hehe. thanks again

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:10:12 -0500

The "no edit" option makes me weep bitter tears. Bitter, bitter tears.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:58:36 -0500

I know what you mean. I'm new to this site and love it so far, but you'd think a site dedicated to writing novels (which involves loads of editing) would allow one to edit posts. I don't mean to complain or anything. It just seems like an odd oversight.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 21:27:44 -0500

I'm relatively new too, and that's my only nit pick really. I write posts at two o'clock in the morning, go back, and desperately want to change what I wrote so that it makes an iota of sense. I do wish they would include such a feature.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:06:57 -0500

I'm intrigued. Why is he staring at the monitors? How long has he been watching? What happens next? The only bits of advice I would add (and remember, I'm NOT a professional, so take it with a grain of salt) is that you either get rid of the "about 23 years old" part altogether, or change it to read something along the lines of "in his early twenties." The reason I say that is because the word "about" means you're venturing a guess, and using the 23 is too specific a guess. If you were asked to identify someone's age, I believe most people would say "he's probably in his early twenties" rather than "about 23," since the doubt usually leads one to give a range of possibilities in their answer, if that makes any sense (I just finished working two double shifts so I'm sure I'm probably rambling incoherently). Any other critique would be difficult without knowing the type of story this is or what the next few sentences say. I will say that if this is a thriller/spy/adventure and the man is looking at the monitors to spy on someone or to watch for something specific, you may want to have him leaning forward in his chair, his gaze locked on the four monitors in front of him. If he's a lazy security guard, maybe he's leaning back in his chair, fighting the overwhelming urge to nod off. But yeah, I am rambling. To make my point quickly: Nice opening line. It does its job. A touch here or there could make it perfect.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:03:53 -0500

I agree with taking out how old he is, mearly because I think that's a lot of information for that sentence. You can put it in later on, but with the young there, people are probably thinking he's about that age anyway. Having said that, maybe you could add in a word describing the Lay-Z-Boy like 'blue' or 'old'. 'and stared' is fine in this case but 'staring' might also work here. 'And' is a word that is used a lot (mainly because it's the best word for the job), but sometimes, if you can avoid it, it flows better without it. And I agree with chug20 that knowing if he's interested or bored might be useful too. But yes, all in all, a good sentence there!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Christine Louise — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:55:45 -0500

Thanks!! I appreciate the feedback. As I reflected on the age bit I came to that conclusion as well...great minds?!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Christine Louise — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:57:26 -0500

Thanks jordan.williams42 - I have a tendency to be a bit passive in my writing so removing "and"...and :) turning stared into staring makes it more active. I also like the idea of giving the lay-z-boy a bit of character as well. Thanks to you both for your feedback!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:10:37 -0500

Too much information in one sentence, and the parenthesis didn't make it flow very well. I'd try breaking it up.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 07:01:55 -0500

I'd shorten it and remove the parentheses (and the parentheses you placed inside the other parentheses). All that information you could be shared later, rather than forcing it into the first sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:53:49 -0500

[quote=EIias] To say that winter had begun in earnest would sell short the damage it had done to the roads (it chilled them over with impregnable swaths of slippery ice) or the spongy minds of the county’s children (the storm shut down the schools, allowing the youth to stay planted before their radios and comic books for nearly a week) or to the city’s population (as in the number itself, the one that gets displayed on the sign beside the highway; it (the number) fell 14 or 15 ticks due to the deaths of those otherwise inconsequential types who get themselves killed in moderate-to-severe blizzards and thunder storms). [/quote] Shorten this entire paragraph to only 2 to 3 sentences, one describing word only, and no parentheses. Also 14 to 15 ticks? Surely it would be simple to know exactly what number is written in the sign? Perhaps "officially, it fell by 14 ticks, but people were missing, and you couldn't write 'and some missing' nor could you cross them off in case they turned up later. Take out inconsequential types, because I don't know if you mean bums, or idiots, or just normal people. Otherwise the theme is nice, I live snow and cold weather. If it was well written and no info dump I would read on, if it was my preferred genre I would likely read the whole book. But as it is: unreadable.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:11:56 -0500

Well, it's certainly attention catching. It's also a bit of a funny contrast; "God and Hell." The only thing is that it does SOUND a tad bit cliche....already I'm forming ideas of what the story is about and they all sound familiar somehow. Although that's easily rectified with whatever follows involving the plot, I suppose.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EIias — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:41:05 -0500

throw some scare quotes around the thing and it's bitingly funny. --E.a.R. Du Bois

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:41:17 -0500

I think you could have saved a lot of time and just said, "the horribleness of that sentence speaks for itself." --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:40:28 -0500

Oh, it is something entirely different indeed. When I flesh it out a bit, I will write the first chapter. What is forming in my head is a mudrer mystery in the Nexus, the space between Heaven and Hell. It is absurd in its inception, a murder of a dead person. The narrator has to go to Hell, because he has to go interview Satan--because anything bad that happens in the Nexus usually has Belial's hand in it somehow. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:53:07 -0500

An interview with Satan, is it? Hm...a theme I've heard before (at least in regards to the review of a supernatural being.) I'd say it really depends on you representation of the infamous father of lies. Though your mention of Belial suggests you've done some research, which is always a good indication you're not tackling such a subject willy nilly. It shows promise.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EIias — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 00:18:43 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] I think you could have saved a lot of time and just said, "the horribleness of that sentence speaks for itself." --JSC [/quote] damn bro you've been hating on me from day one bro why so aggro

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 07:00:05 -0500

I'm new here, so I may be wrong, but isn't the whole point of this thread, and indeed this site, to provide constructive help to fellow writers and wannabe writers?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 07:25:10 -0500

This fellow is nothing more than a troll. If he was indeed serious, I would be more than willing to give him constructive criticism. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

TheAllegorist476 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:44:48 -0500

If he is truly a troll I would suggest that you not even acknowledge his presence at all. They feed on attention, if you even make a note that they're there it's a win for them. Stirring up argument is their goal.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:58:22 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] This fellow is nothing more than a troll. If he was indeed serious, I would be more than willing to give him constructive criticism. --JSC [/quote] I see. Well, I'm new here so I wasn't aware. Carry on then :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

EIias — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:13:01 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] This fellow is nothing more than a troll. If he was indeed serious, I would be more than willing to give him constructive criticism. --JSC [/quote] I'm no troll! I'm a serious Artist!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 07:55:46 -0500

There's nothing particularly wrong with this line, but there's nothing particularly right either. The sentence really doesn't do much to hook me into the story. At first, everything looked the same; the bodies were all hung in a neat row along the wall, and a pot of fresh blood stood warming on the stove. I have no idea where you are going with your story. This is just an example to illustrate how you might provide more of a hook. Give us a bit more information so we have something to sink our teeth into.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:36:54 -0500

Dark. Very dark. I like it. If you're not writing a book that starts that way, you should :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 07:38:59 -0500

As a kid, most of us I would suggest changing this to "As kids, most of us". That way your nouns/pronouns are in agreement. If memory served, she was standing in the same room she had once killed someone in. The sentence structure needs some work. Try to avoid ending with a preposition, if you can. Does "she" have a name? Why not tell us? Instead of "was standing" why not use "stood"? If memory served, Mary stood in the same room in which she had once killed someone. I'm still not in love with it. I think it could be much better. There's no detail here. Mary breathed deeply; the tang of old mahogany kindled memories of the last time she'd been in this room, when John had attacked her and she'd been forced to kill him. Just from the smell of old mahogany, the reader should get an idea of what the room looks like. Not all stories are black and white. And not all heroes wear a cape and tights. The rhythm is off here. Consider changing to: And not all heroes wears capes and tights.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:17:17 -0500

"If memory served, she was standing in the same room she had once killed someone in." I think it's a bit odd the way you don't specify who she killed. Because you say "if memory served" you are implying that your narrator is a character in the book who knows that she killed someone (rather than say, the narrator being omniscient and not revealing who she killed for dramatic tension) yet also this character doesn't actually remember who she killed. Which seems at odds. If they remember that she killed someone, surely they'd also remember who it was she killed? Surely it would be better if it was something like "If my memory served, she was standing in the same room that she killed the Mayor of Townsville in, some ten years ago."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lacey Fay — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 07:48:08 -0500

Thanks for the feedback! I'm completely rewriting the first chapter anyway, so it's good to know how I can make it stronger the second time around.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 05:47:19 -0500

[quote=Rukia23] I stop and stare the moment I notice him. [/quote] I think the line serves as a hook, since it evokes the questions: Who is he? And why did I stop and stare? I'm not hundred about what I think about the sentence stylistically. Perhaps just a simple switch of words would help: The moment I saw him, I stopped and stared.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:32:41 -0500

I agree completely. The original is passive and your fix is more active. But the image given in either cause is a good hook.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 09:05:05 -0500

There's a hook here, but I believe it could be greatly improved by adding more context. My need to find out who "he" is and why the narrator stopped to stare at him isn't all that great.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 12:24:50 -0500

There's something that is off with this. It's the list. The list (shortened) consists of "the tatters, blood, and confetti" but it feels odd the whole list is preceded by 'in'. So we're thinking she's sitting IN the tatters of the dress, sitting IN the blood, and sitting IN the confetti. The problem by preceding a list with the word 'in' is that it feels a bit off. What would be better, I think, is to give an individual description to each of the items in the list, rather than the same word 'in' to describe all three items. So: ** Claire couldn't remember how long she had been sitting on her bathroom floor in the tatters of a pink silk dress, soaked in metallic smelling blood, and surrounded by small parcels of confetti. Let's not forget the confetti. **

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 07:52:58 -0500

Is "Boldness" a person? If not, I'm really not sure what this sentence is trying to say. If it is, I would change the name, or find some way to make it obvious that the person's name is "Boldness". Maybe something like: Boldness weaved her way among the wreckage, boldness personified. I still don't really like it. I think it comes off as kinda cheesy. But at least it's clear that "Boldness" is a person. This is writing that draws too much attention to itself IMO.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 08:23:24 -0500

This needs some work in terms of word choice and sentence structure. The rifle stood at attention on the edge of his quivering fingers; chattering in anticipation for the moment. The semicolon is incorrect. It should be a comma as "chattering in anticipation for the moment" is a dependent clause. The phrase "stood at attention" doesn't work for me. It's normally associated with the soldier, rather than his gun, and is a position in which the soldier is rigid and unmoving. This image clashes with the quivering fingers and chattering gun. Cold pools of sweat mired through the crude blood on his brow; coiling about his eyes, painting the world in crimson hues. Again, it should be a comma rather than a semicolon. It feels to me like you are trying too hard to make the imagery stand out. Some of the word choices ruin the effect. For instance, I have a hard time imagining pools of sweat that "mired through" the blood on his brow and coiled about his eyes. Less is more, as they say. Try to make it simpler. Blood ran from the gash on his forehead into his eyes, painting the world in crimson hues. He was stern in his resolve, yet he could not bring himself to pull the trigger. I like this sentence. I'd like a bit more context though, like where he is and what he's trying to shoot. Maybe that comes in the next sentence or two, but don't wait too long. You'll hold my interest only for so long by withholding what the character is doing. You'll hold it a lot longer by showing me what he is doing and withholding why he is doing it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 12:31:21 -0500

I agree with Banespawn somewhat. It feels odd that the rifle is standing at attention, it feels odd that the rifle is ON the edge of his fingers. Who holds a rifle with it on the edge of their fingers? And also the rifle should not be chattering, the man should. It should be "anticipation OF" I think, not "anticipation FOR." *** He gripped the rifle loosely, his fingers quivering, and his teeth chattering in anticipation of the moment.*** I would argue it's hard to really have pools of sweat on your forehead (maybe that's nitpicking) and I usually think of a pool as something that is still, not something that is moving. ***Cold droplets of sweat mixed with the wet blood on his brow and coiled about his eyes, stinging them, and painting the world in crimson hues. *** Just my thoughts :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:39:22 -0500

I agree with Banespawn as well, especially on the first five words of your first sentence. When I read "The rifle stood at attention," my mind's eye pictured a rifle standing alone in a corner or in a gun rack. Typically, standing at attention denotes a vertical stance, not the horizontal pose of a gun being aimed at a target. As a positive note, I'd like to add that the scene seems tense and is certainly alluring. A few changes here and there would make it really stand out.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

cidupeska — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:47:43 -0500

Thanks for the critique. Life is a bit hectic for me at the moment, so I have had very little time to get online and hear from others. So thanks once again. The man swayed with exhaustion, barely able to grasp the cold steel between his quivering fingers. Icy sweat trickled through the throbbing wound on his brow, drawing out a thin line of crimson amid the soot on his face. He was stern in his resolve, yet he could not bring himself to pull the damn trigger.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 18:33:06 -0500

*in either CASE, not cause.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kookyness — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 05:48:10 -0500

"Sunday dawned auspiciously bright and they managed to get all the way to Milngavie without arguing." i like how you have mentioned that they manged to get where they were going without arguing. This had interested me in the story and already explained a little about the personality of the characters. It makes me think of maybe two sisters who argue a lot, of best friends who had a fall out, or even two complete strangers, who are helping each other out of necessity. One thing i think is a bit off, is that you mentioned the weather first. To me, I find the first line to be not as 'hook' worthy as others if it begins with the weather. Just seems like something that is not very unique. But that is my opinion, the sentence flows quite well and the weather mention is not a major flaw. I think is deserves a good 8/10 :D well done. after saying all that i have a feeling my opening line will be a let down. I basically just made this first line on the spot for my novel, here i go: She inhaled the aromatic smells that filled the small cafe. The smile on her lips was a pleasant one, until she took her first sip and noticed there was no sugar in her coffee. Okay, more than one line but ah well. I kinda made it up on the spot but even so i was hoping to use it anyway, I would like some critique as i know it is not great :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:07:05 -0500

[quote=aylat] "Sunday dawned auspiciously bright and they managed to get all the way to Milngavie without arguing." [/quote] I think it's brilliant! I'd read on. I think the use of auspiciously is great, and it makes me wondering how your prose will continue. The sentence leaves me with the questions. How are "they"? What are they going to do in Milngavie? Why would thaye have argued? Hope to read more of this one day. Good luck!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:23:41 -0500

[quote=Kookyness] She inhaled the aromatic smells that filled the small cafe. [/quote] aromatic smell seems a bit odd. Aromatic = having an aroma = an odor arising from spices, plants, cooking, etc., especially an agreeable odor; fragrance. I know you may say "aromatic smell," but wouldn't it contain more information if you wrote ex. She inhaled the familliar/soothing/ aroma that filled the small cafe. [quote=Kookyness] The smile on her lips was a pleasant one, until she took her first sip and noticed there was no sugar in her coffee. [/quote] Does she still smile after noticing that the coffee lack suggar? It sort of reads as: The smile on her lips was a pleasant one, until she took her first sip and noticed there was no sugar in her coffee, whereupon her smile turned into an unpleasant one. There's not much of a hook, unless you're a dedicated coffee drinker like me and would automatically give anything that has the word coffee in it at least two minutes of their attention.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:50:38 -0500

She inhaled the aromatic smells that filled the small cafe. "aromatic smells" is redundant. Be specific. What type of smells? Fresh baked bread? Sweet cinnamon buns? French vanilla coffee? What cafe is it? Does it have a name? The smile on her lips was a pleasant one, until she took her first sip and noticed there was no sugar in her coffee. The implication is that her smile was less than pleasant once she realized there was no sugar in her coffee. Smiling and sipping coffee at the same time might be a tad difficult :) There's no hook here. I'm not of the belief that the first line of a novel must have a hook (it should be somewhere on the first page, if not the first paragraph), but having a good one can certainly help. What's her name? For some reason that I've yet to fathom, many writers have an aversion to naming their characters in the first line, choosing instead to use unattributed pronouns. If her name is Mary, tell us. You won't win any points with the reader by withholding it. We want to identify with the character and the first step toward doing that is to have a way to refer to her other than "she". It doesn't even have to be a name. It could be "The Man in the Yellow Hat" or "The Lady in Red". How you refer to the character will depend on the POV. This is obviously her POV because we get her reaction to the coffee and she most likely wouldn't think of herself as anything but her name. But if someone else were the POV, then you could refer to her as the POV character thinks of her. Example: As John watched the woman stuff a third cinnamon bun down her gullet, jowls a-jiggling, he cursed the inventor of spandex. They should come with a warning label like they have in elevators: do not exceed 1000 pounds. Plus-size finished off the bun and dabbed daintilly at her mouth with a napkin. Notice I didn't write "As he watched her". He is identified by name. She is indentified as "the woman". John gives her a name in the third sentence based on his impression of her. He doesn't actually know her name, so he uses a substitute.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

aylat — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:15:15 -0500

(haven't had time to come on the forums for a few weeks) Thanks for your feedback! I'm glad that's the impression you get about the characters from that one line :) And I'll mull over your point about the weather.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kookyness — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:40:55 -0500

thanks everyone for your criticism, it has helped develop my writing further :D thank you

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:01:07 -0500

I agree, although I assume (with no real evidence to lead me there) that the second sentence would give that reason. If the second sentence is "I mean, how often do you see a man whose teeth are on fire?" I'd forgive the ambiguity of the first sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 18:16:36 -0500

[quote=MissAngelAdorer] It all began when my father came home. [/quote] It's a decent first line. I'd be interested to see if you could take it to the next level by adding some specifics. I guess that really deppends on the plot. What began and where did he return from? It all began when my father returned from Africa I began plotting my fathers death the day he came home with his new circus crew The beatingbegan when my father returned from the war It all began when my father came home from work and did it with my mother. Or perhaps it began when my mother, who was waiting for my father to return from work, painted her lips red. Actually, why don't we make it easy by saying that it all started with a big, boisterious bang. There should be a rule that says I'm not allowed to use internet after midnight and with wine in my veins. Oh, and I'd read on!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:40:53 -0500

I've noticed that a lot of opening lines lack a definite hook. I'm not saying that as a complaint or saying the folks writing that way are doing anything wrong; usually the hook can be found in the second or third sentence. That can be a great way to draw a person in if the first line cleanses the palette and lulls the reader into not expecting much, then the second one punches the reader in the eye. "Yesterday was the greatest day of my life. I got my driver's license after failing twice a year for the past six years, my boyfriend proposed to me, and I got a raise! Oh, and I finally killed the drifter I had chained up in the attic." I bring this up because I wonder if those who purposely craft their opener to put the hook in the second or third line should be allowed to post the first couple sentences. Also, how do you put your type into bold on this site? I don't see WYSIWYG options, so I'm curious what I'd have to do to format posts that way.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 00:52:14 -0500

I agree! If the hook is purpously put in the second or third sentence then perhaps there should be a special hook thread for that or a mentioning. Though there's of course the 200-words thread where hopefully the hook will appear. For formating do this (minus the space): < strong > bold < / strong > < em > italics < / em > < strike > ~~erase~~ < / strike > And those are the ones I know.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

MissAngelAdorer — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 03:05:11 -0500

I am still writing my first draft, so I think I still lack a hook. And Fni, thanks for the critique. I`ll try to spice the line up.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Walk On — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 11:06:12 -0500

[quote=chug20]I've noticed that a lot of opening lines lack a definite hook. I'm not saying that as a complaint or saying the folks writing that way are doing anything wrong; usually the hook can be found in the second or third sentence. That can be a great way to draw a person in if the first line cleanses the palette and lulls the reader into not expecting much, then the second one punches the reader in the eye. ... I bring this up because I wonder if those who purposely craft their opener to put the hook in the second or third line should be allowed to post the first couple sentences.[/quote] I agree with you 100%. Most people don't read one and only one sentence before deciding whether to read further. Moreover, making satisfactory critiques on an opening line alone is difficult--and often, I fear, not very helpful for the writer--since, as you said, that opening line usually functions as a part of a whole, and that whole constitutes the hook.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 14:50:38 -0500

Awesome, thank you! Testing

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:01:09 -0500

You bring up an interesting point: I've met some folks who wait until after their first or even second draft is complete before tackling the hook (if they even plan a hook. Some people view them as unnecessary--which they can be). Others, like myself, include the hook as one of the first things they think of when still in the planning stages for a story. Different strokes for different folks.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 14:50:49 -0500

Woo!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 22:14:29 -0500

I don't see anything wrong with the words used in this sentence. There is nothing wrond with saying I walked down the street, it is a perfectly reasonable sentence that people use often. Providing in the next few sentences you expand on what the parcel is, what the street looks like, what time of day it is excetera. You don't want to stuff all of this into the first sentence. As for starting with 'Down the street I ran', I can see why you did it, starting sentences with 'I' all the time gets a bit old, but sometimes it is the best option. I'd say, if you wanted this to be a really serious style piece, stick with that but if not change it to: I ran down the street, a parcel tucked under my arm. This way, leaves room for an adverb such as hastily or nervously that can help you set the tone. You might want to put in a discribing word for the parcel too but that's not nessicary. Just my opinion, hope it helps

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 23:19:06 -0500

I agree with your first paragraph. Saying "Down the street I ran" sounds clumsy. You can almost hear the narrator pause to burp or hiccup before continuing with "a parcel tucked under my arm." It makes the street the subject of the action rather than the narrator. Your second paragraph is debatable. If the parcel isn't important, it could be discarded with a quick mention and never heard from again. If it is important, you could go into further detail. But I don't believe you ever have to call it THE parcel. In fact, depending on the following sentence(s), calling it THE parcel could sound clumsy, in my humble opinion. Perhaps the narrator hasn't recognized the importance of the parcel at this point in the story, or maybe the parcel is important but it's one of many that are equally important. It's a matter of context. Your third paragraph I totally disagree with. It's probably a matter of personal taste, because I can see where you're coming from. But to me, saying "under my arm" carries the exact meaning as "under arm" or "under one arm" unless the writer specifically says "under my only arm" or something similar. Otherwise, a writer would be stuck filling in all these kinds of possible loopholes with unnecessary explanations. "He ran like his life depended on it; his bare feet slapping hot concrete while his hands worked the cuff locks" would turn into "He ran like his life depended on it; his only two feet slapping hot concrete while both of his hands worked the cuff locks." Maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get the point.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:53:15 -0500

It makes the street the subject of the action rather than the narrator. I have to disagree with this statement. While his syntanx is awkward, there is no dangling modifier in the sentence. The street is not the subject of that sentence.

Re:

chug20 — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:10:55 -0500

So you're saying it's incorrect to write: "I stood over my vanquished foe, my foot on his neck"? According to your reasoning, since "foot" is singular and "feet" is plural, you'd have to clarify. I'm sorry, but you're wrong. You don't have to say "one of my feet on his neck" or "my left foot on his neck." The meaning is already clear. Adding useless information is just clutter.

Re:

chug20 — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:25:46 -0500

Not to beat a dead horse, but I just happened to be checking the news online and saw this headline: "Woman Loses Arm to Flesh-Eating Bacteria from Bath Salts." (http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/14/10159359-woman-loses-arm-to-flesh-eating-bacteria-from-bath-salts?threadId=3320434&commentId=61571185) Without reading the article, I already know that she lost one arm but still has the other. If a one-armed person had lost their last arm, the wording would have pointed out the pre-accident abnormality ("Woman Loses Her Only Arm to Flesh-Eating blah blah blah"). Since two limbs is normal, it's assumed and doesn't need to be pointed out.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 08:15:09 -0500

[quote=Gray Nomad] “Backwards and forwards, up and down and then circles,” Harry said. [/quote] Starting with that piece of dialogue grabbed my attention, but when i read the name it sort of destroyed it for me. First I was thinking: Hmm what is this interesting thing that's being described? Then I read the name and thought of Harry Potter and immideately drew the conclusion (on no other basis that the name) that the back-fwd-up-down-circle motion is refering to how someone should wave their wand. . . Since I'm not a fan of magic wands my interest sank. But if I knew what Harry was talking about perhaps I would have been hooked right away, despite the name. ;) "Backwards and forward, up and down and then circles," Harry said, explaining/describing _insert the hook here_.

Re:

chug20 — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:14:16 -0500

My apologies; I meant to say "In my opinion, you're wrong" since I honestly believe it's just a stylistic choice. You're not required to write "one of my arms" but you're not in error if you do.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 08:29:33 -0500

[quote=Banespawn] Akad crouched in the shadow of the palace wall, twenty feet from freedom, cursing holy Haram and the inequities of fate. [/quote] I like the first part of the sentence the most. >>Akad crouched in the shadow of the palace wall, twenty feet from freedom.< conflict. --> hook. Holy Haram -- I don't know if this is a name of a person or a place, but I like the sound of it. --> aliteration. Less good: "the inequities of fate," reads a bit cliché in my ears.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Gray Nomad — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 10:03:26 -0500

Harry is an 11 year old boy instructing his 5 year old sister how to clean her teeth...set up for introducing two neglected children who are about to be placed in danger. It is an historical crime genre. I never thought of Harry Potter, happy to change the Harry name if it is an issue. I am so over reading the name 'Bella' I understand if Harry is done to death as well. I think it could be wise to change. Although he is not the main character so it might not matter so much. Thank you . That was a great critique :-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 08:31:47 -0500

Doh! Some of my formating got wierd. The missing part: Good: Someone is sneaking about, trying to escape (or not being caught at least) -- > conflict -->hook

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 07:06:55 -0500

I liked it. I wonder what news her/his parents give about the birthday to make her/him want to cry in the shower. Good work.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 10:56:44 -0500

Sounds interesting with the kids. What time is it set in?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Gray Nomad — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 08:29:04 -0500

1946 the novel starts :-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:10:45 -0500

I like the idea of this line a lot, though I would suggest taking out the second "but". Having the word in there twice felt a little awkward. If you wanted, maybe replace it with "only" or "just", but I think it works best as "I was a shadow". Definitely interesting.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Mle123 — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 02:06:34 -0500

Thank you, i was wondering what I could replace the second but with and didnt even consider just removing it completely! haha Sounds much better thank you

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:05:11 -0500

This is similar to a lot of other opening lines I've read on here. Purposely vague, hoping that the reader will be interested to learn what the author is hiding. It seldom works IMO. This type of opening "hypes" up whatever the mystery is. If it isn't something really good, the reader will be let down. Look at fni's sentence above. That is a good opening sentence. It gives the reader information, rather than withholding it, and it is that information which creates the mystery. I'm much more interested to find out why a birthday call from the narrator's parents causes her to cry in the shower. Sure, there are things that authors will withhold, but you have to give the reader something. Tell us only what you want us to know, but don't mince words. Don't be vague about it. As an author, you need the reader to trust you. You won't win their trust be being vague.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:25:53 -0500

[quote=DasherH] "I do not remember having it done to me, but I can see the evidence all over the right side of my face." [/quote] I'm on Banespawn on this one. I saw this one earlier and was wondering why you had chosen to write it instead of the acuall thing. This vagueness makes me nervous. I have three cenarios in my head: 1. A procedur has been carried out, and there's a visible alteration over the right side of my's face. 2. I has been beaten up, and the right side of his/her face is looking pretty bad. 3. I was drunk, and his/her friends scribled all over the right side of his/her face. IMO, alternative 1 would be interesting to read, and you'd benefit from having it stated in the opening line. Alternative 2 could go either way for me, depending on what genre it is I'd read on if someone had been beaten up and not remember about it. Also this would benefit from being specific. Alternative 3 wouldn't interest me a bit, but then I'd probably not be the targeted reader group for a story where someone has been scribbled on. . . I guess also alternative 3 would benefit from being to the point. So how to be specific? From the examples above, something from the top of my head would be: 1. I don't remember being captured by the changers, but no one wakes up in the middle of the dessert with wirers sticking out of the right side of their face without their involvement. 2. I don't remember anything from the attack, but judging from the tender shoe print over the right side of my face, my assaliant wears a size 9 in shoes. 3. I mussed have passed out during the party, because someone has scribbled 'ghost whisper' all over the right side of my face. line like this can undermine the the opening if what follows doesn't live up to the readers expectations.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

littlewonder — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 11:27:31 -0500

In my mind, I completely mentally skipped over the second but completely; I didn't even know it was there until it was pointed out! I love your opener. It immediately grabbed my attention, and I wanted to know more. Probably because of the second part. But then again, I do love unappreciated, as well as dark, characters too!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:11:54 -0500

I just wanted to add one thing. This sentence makes me ask "what". What is on the narrator's face? fni's sentence makes me ask "why". Why is the narrator in the shower crying? IMO, "why" is a much more compelling question than "what".

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DasherH — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 14:03:56 -0500

Thanks for both!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:28:56 -0500

[quote=fni] 3. I ~~mussed~~ must have passed out during the party, because someone has scribbled 'ghost whisper' all over the right side of my face. ~~line like this can undermine the the opening if what follows doesn't live up to the readers expectations.~~ [/quote] My brain is sleeping. (and that isn't a first line)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DasherH — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 14:05:07 -0500

Thanks! And btw, I saw the fingers run off without the sleeping brain.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

fni — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 16:48:57 -0500

If you see them again, tell them the brain is waiting for them to come home. ;)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DasherH — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:18:18 -0500

Will do!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:50:00 -0500

Not bad. I think there should be a comma after happy birthday and could you possibly put in a word to describe how he said it, but besides that, seems ok to me.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:01:21 -0500

As jordan.williams42 said, there should be a comma after Birthday. Also, the comma that is there should be inside the quotes. Personally, I would move the dialogue to the end. I think the dialogue tag really weakens the sentence. Noah knelt at the white stone grave. "Happy Birthday, Mom."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:56:45 -0500

You probably want a "the" in front of "ancient" and "beneath" instead of "in". What's more important, the chanting, or the people doing the chanting? I would rewrite it to make the people the focus.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 12:10:35 -0500

This sentence is telling, rather than showing. You could expand this into an entire chapter by itself. Show how her parent's abuse her. Show how much she hates it. Just telling me about it won't make me sympathize with her.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

aylat — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:31:21 -0500

"Taxi's are like the miner's canary, for the city." I found that one really interesting. It made me think; firstly to remember exactly what miners used canaries for, and then interestingly, how taxis could fulfil that role for a city. I'm expecting some kind of a disaster, either physical or economic, with taxis maybe being the indicator of people, specifically tourists, travelling around. It also makes me picture someone looking down on city streets from a high building, and observing the vehicles moving along the roads.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:16:22 -0500

Read what I wrote to DasherH above. The same applies here. There just isn't enough context. We don't know what startled the narrator or who he's trying to get away from. We don't know where he is or what he's doing. This isn't really a hook. You are baiting the hook, if you'll forgive the pun.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:56:18 -0500

Re: Critique on your opening line.

lilyv — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 20:36:25 -0500

I mean, it's kind of interesting but it doesn't really pack much. It's meant to be dramatic, I think, but comes across as a little flat. Maybe you could try adding a little more hook to it in the form of personality/humor?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 03:20:02 -0500

[quote=PotatoPasta] "Today was going to be the start of a whole new adventure; she could feel it in her very being." [/quote] Only if this is a book in a series. Otherwise why havent we read of her previous adventure. If it was an adventure then Im sure we would want to read about it. Otherwise the line is worthless. Perhaps something like: She sensed great potential....

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 23:39:55 -0500

[quote=PotatoPasta] "Today was going to be the start of a whole new adventure; she could feel it in her very being." [/quote] I'm exhausted while writing this, so please forgive any rambling or incoherent sentences (not to mention typos and grammar errors). Anyway, I'd work to switch the placement of the two statements in your sentence. It seems to me that by putting your character last, you make her less important. The way the sentence reads, "today" is the star of the show. It's filled with hope and wonder and magic, and your main character is just kinda there. If you changed it to something like: Emily awoke with a strong feeling (or sense, or inclination. or whatever else suits your fancy) that today was going to be the start of a whole new adventure. Then, depending on what kind of adventure it is, you could go into details about why she felt this way and how these feelings led her to believe that she'd be having a new adventure (since saying "start of a whole new adventure" implies she's gone on other adventures in the past). So your second sentence could read: Outside her bedroom door, Dr. Mackillian was cackling like a drunk crow. He must have gotten the time machine working again. Or: She had just broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and the morning sunlight carried upon its beams a hope she hadn't felt in nearly a decade. Or: She always felt this way whenever the fourth toe on her left foot broke off and crawled away, and that's exactly what it did in the night. Whatever. The point is, if you're going to have the character in your first sentence, it may be a good idea to put him/her near the beginning, to bring that person front and center. Then you can explain what that character is doing/thinking and where he/she is. But it's a good line and I'm sure you'll do great things with it. Goodnight.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Illusionary Nothing — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 02:31:17 -0500

Heya Sinistra! This isn't a terrible opening line by any means, but some things that would make it hook ME more are: Start with the character. If you want to start with the ruins, is the character climbing around them, standing at the foot and staring up at them with mouth agape? I was also unclear on whether there was actually a boy whacking shrubbery or whether that was just another descriptor of the ruin. it didn't flow very well. If there IS a boy, consider starting with him and maybe leaving the ruin in a little mystery. Maybe it starts with him walking along, whacking the shrubbery, only for his stick to strike something hard. On closer inspection, it is a stone wall with engravings in some unknown language, covered in moss. He continues to explore around, and then he and the reader discover the ruins together... As always, feel free to regard or discard as you wish.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 22:45:36 -0500

[quote=Sinistra] "The ruin was encased in moss and undetectable amidst the trees- unless you happened to be a young man with a stick, whacking shrubbery as you roved the forest." Rip me to shreds, if you have to. [/quote] I agree with Illusionary Nothing that the sentence makes it unclear whether a young man actually is whacking shrubbery or it the narrator is just saying that to add weight to the first part of the line. As far as starting with the character, I don't feel it's absolutely necessary. I always say, when in doubt, consult the classics. My favorite book by my favorite author contains my all time favorite opening line: "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." - 1984 by George Orwell. However, it is important to bring character in pretty close to the beginning so you don't lose your audience's interest. In 1984, Winston Smith, the story protagonist, is brought up in the second sentence. The first sentence was used to set the mood and give the reader the impression something was off about this world. The first part of your first sentence does a good job of establishing the setting. We're in a lost jungle full of thick underbrush and vine-covered trees. I'd end the sentence there, and get rid of the "unless you happened..." part, substituting it with a sentence that introduces the character. The ancient ruin was encased in moss and nearly undetectable amidst the trees. If not for his trusty machete and the goatskin map he stole from his recently-deceased guide, Pasadena Jones would never have found the place. With blade in hand and a head full of dollar signs, he...blah blah blah" That's just a quick, dirty example. I'm sure you can do much better than I did there, but I hope my point shines through. But, as Illusionary Nothing said, feel free to discard my opinion. It is just an opinion.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:59:10 -0500

[quote=Urby] The tower stood on a little island surrounded by freezing ocean waters, far from land or anyone's knowledge. [/quote] All critiques are based on personal taste and preference, and in this one I'm going to be drawing on personal taste regarding the word "little." When used as a determiner (ie, "little doubt" or "little time"), it's fine. But I generally view it as a weak word when used as an adjective. Maybe the word "small" or "tiny" or "minute"? I'd also suggest describing the tower a little, to give it some character and allow it to become visible to your readers. It could be a massive tower; an ancient stone tower; a crumbled, wind-worn tower; or whatever you like. Bring that inanimate object to life (so to speak). Talk about it in more detail. Is there anything else standing near it? What time of day is it? On a tiny remote island, long ago forgotten by the men of the world, stood an ancient stone sentinal; a tower that masked the entrance to a great underground city. Of course, my example is much more wordy than I prefer, but I tried to throw in as many descriptors as I could, just to spice it up. Don't let my rambling discourage you though. It's an intriguing opening and I'm sure it leads to an even more intriguing story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Urby — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 01:54:49 -0500

Thanks for the reply! The tower's contents are described in detail in the opening chapter, though not so much its appearance (beyond it being made of mortar and stone). What's inside the tower's more important, but the outside could use some more description to make it pop, yeah. Here's a revised version: Far from land or anyone's knowledge, on a little mound of sand surrounded by freezing ocean waters, there stood an ancient tower worn smooth by salted winds. ("little" stays because I like it too much, my apologies.)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:07:55 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] It was the stale bread that finally broke him. [/quote] Others may (or may not) take issue with your approach here, but I can honestly tell you this line has my attention. Just be sure the line that follows doesn't disappoint. But yeah, I like it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

next.companion — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:34:35 -0500

I love this! I'm already hooked.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 13:31:40 -0500

Thanks. I'm pretty sure that (hopefully) the next line won't disappoint. Again, thanks :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 16:21:12 -0500

I'm sure it won't. :) the only reason I said that was because I've read so many great first lines with bad follow-ups and it always makes me sad. And I'm talking about in published books!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:45:50 -0500

Thanks! :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

kikiann11 — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:48:49 -0500

[quote=next.companion] Here's mine: "She had been on the track team in high school, and it just might save her." [/quote] It certainly intrigues me concerning the premise of the novel, but the mashup of tenses (the past and present) bothers me. Maybe write something like "The high school track team might have just saved her life." "Dismal gray smog surrounded a sprawling city of the same color, partially obscuring the clustered mess of short buildings that seemed stunted in their growth, like trees never allowed to grow. "

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:54:38 -0500

[quote=next.companion] Here's mine: "She had been on the track team in high school, and it just might save her." [/quote] Zombie novel? Outrunning them? She obviously running from something. The idea is a good one. Perhaps the sentence could be tweaked to make it sound better. She'd been a track-team superstar, in high school. Today, it might save her.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

next.companion — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 20:23:20 -0500

Thank you! I'll definitely work on the tenses. I love the feel of your opening sentence, but I think it might be a little too wordy. I'd try cutting back a bit, and maybe splitting it into two sentences. Something like: "Dismal gray smog surrounded a sprawling city of the same color. It almost obscured the cluster of squat buildings that seemed stunted in their growth, like trees never allowed to grow." I love the idea of stunted buildings. In fact, the word picture might be so good that you don't even need the tree comparison.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

next.companion — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 20:27:19 -0500

No zombies, it a post-apocalyptic story where all food is drugged to control the masses, and undrugged food is a criminal luxury. The character is a food runner (rather than a drug runner). Thank you for your help. I love your edit, might just use it word-for-word!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:16:09 -0500

I like it. Lots of context, good hook. Just one thing: a village rife with superstations Unless the narrator is Ted Turner, that should probably be "superstitions" :P

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Katherine Jane — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:19:37 -0500

Ah, thank you...I'm very bad at spelling.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Urby — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 02:15:53 -0500

Hm, I'm not sure what's trying to be accomplished here. There's two very different statements fighting for attention: 1. Derek has a clueless, boyish charm that makes even strangers warm up to him 2. Derek is alone. The second statement doesn't make very much sense with the first statement in front of it. Why is Derek alone if he has charm magnetism? These two statements are put together in the same sentence, but it seems like there's a missing "but" in front of the second statement since it goes against what's stated in the first one. It would then be something like this: "Derek was cluelessly armored with a boyish charm that won over the coldest of strangers, but he lived most of his days alone." I changed it to past tense 'cause that's what I'm used to, though I'm not sure what kind of tense you're planning for this story. The sentence sounds like it's in passive voice, and I think a direct sentence would be a better start for a story. I do like the sound of "Cluelessly armored" in the beginning, though - it just doesn't seem like it belongs in the very first sentence. Otherwise, I'm interested! I like young and innocent characters, though I'm not sure if Derek is young and innocent or only has a charm that is like that.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AKwolf — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:27:55 -0500

I like the premise, but I feel like there is a bit too much going on in this line. However, I also must admit that I have a bias for opening lines that are clean-cut and not overly worked. I like that the first statement does not fit with the second statement; it makes you wonder, if Derek has this winning charm that affects people who don't even know him, why does he live alone? I would certainly read on to the next few sentences to see if the novel is something I would want to dig deeper into. As I mentioned, though, there just feels as if there is too much loaded down into that sentence. It honestly may just be the tense, now that I've read it over a few times. I think, if it was my line, I would work it like: "Derek was armored with a boyish charm capable of winning over even the coldest of strangers, and he lived most of his days alone." Or even: "He was armored with a boyish charm capable of winning over even the coldest of strangers, and he lived most of his days alone." Since it's a line meant to incite curiosity, I like the idea of not introducing the name until the second or third sentence. All in all, just my opinion. I like it! :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:36:05 -0500

No need to apologize. It's all a matter of personal taste. Besides, I actually like the use of the word in your revised opener. In fact, I'm digging the whole thing. Good work!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 22:01:28 -0500

[quote=fni] The immortal man snuck out of their lives shortly before dawn. [/quote] It is weak for a first sentence. Fit more information into it while not getting TOO wordy, A first sentence need not hook... I read until I know the book is, or is not, for me. However, one must be sure that a first sentence does not have the opposite effect to a hook... Every sentence in a book is valued by what it conveys. A vague, very general, sentence conveys nothing of substance and therefore has no value and shouldnt be included anywhere in the book but especially not as a first sentence. Give us a reason to care, tell us who this person is, what he is doing, and how that effects things... My example: "In the secret hours before dawn, the immortal halfman Gabriel, abandoned them to their fate."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:05:59 -0500

I agree that more context would help. We don't know anything about the immortal man other than he's immortal. We don't know whom he's sneaking away from or what they mean to him. The immortal man left his family in the early hours before dawn. This is better IMO, because now we know the relationship. We know, or can at least guess, what his leaving means. But I think saying he is immortal might suggest to the reader (too soon) the reason why he is leaving (he's immortal, they are mortal and going to die). That could be good, I suppose, but personally I'd rather just show his actions and let his motives be a complete mystery right now. John left his wife in the early hours before dawn. Writing "immortal man" does fix the reader more firmly into your setting, but distances the reader from the character. I would prefer to show the reader later that he is immortal.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:14:22 -0500

[quote=Rukia23] Some nights I swear there is a person standing in the corner of my room, watching me and giving a low whistle every few seconds. [/quote] I like the concept. It's creepy and makes me want to read on to find out if someone really is standing there, or if the narrator is imagining things, or if there's a haunting or whatever going on. But it reads like you may be trying to put too much information in one sentence. It might help to split that sentence up. Some nights, I could swear there is someone standing in the corner of my room, leering at me as I nod off to sleep. The accompanying low, rhythmic whistle I hear on those nights sends icicles up my spine. Not the best example, I know. But work with me here...I'm going on no sleep for the past couple days :-) Anyway, I think it would read better as either a tighter sentence or two separate sentences. Although you could just touch up the second part, bond the two parts with a semicolon, and be done with it. Some nights, I swear there's someone standing in the corner of my room, watching me; whistling under his breath every few seconds. I don't know if either of those work all that well, but I'm honestly too tired to know whether I'm making any sense at all. I should really start viewing this website only after I've had several hours of sleep.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 00:15:10 -0500

[quote=Rukia23] Some nights I swear there is a person standing in the corner of my room, watching me and giving a low whistle every few seconds. [/quote] If its supposed to be creepy the whistling part spoils that. It makes me think of a pervert. Comedy: If I dressed warmly for bed, nothing happened. Those were the normal nights. However, if I ever slept in panties, I swear, just before drifting off, I'd see Uncle Tom behind the door. You know what Tom would do? Yeah flash me, but what else? Whistle. He'd whistle at me. Now I asked Tom... No, of course I didnt ask him if he'd done that. I asked him, how he'd slept, and he always said, fine babe, not a wink lost, so I knew he wasnt really in my bedroom. I'd imagined it. If I closed my eyes tight and didnt move an inch I'd start to imagine hands. Huh. Where do you think they went stupid. Horror: Nightly, I suffered the agony of a shade. Its touch was malignant; its glance crushed my soul. Unmoving, unable to move; the doctors said sleep paralysis, narcolepsy. I knew better. It was a demon which was here to give me a glimpse of the hell which waited for me.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 00:35:41 -0500

[quote=chug20] Michael R. P. Chesterfield raised his crystal champagne glass and delivered a toast, celebrating love, family, honor, and the sucking shotgun wound in his chest. [/quote] Too much dry data. Not enough emotion. No reason to care. Unrealistic. Too much telloing rather than showing. My (unpolished) example: With his shaking left hand Michael raised a final glass in toast, "Sharon, I bloody love you... kids... look after yourself dad... urk..." hand dropped and the red wine spilled, "...and the bloody great hole in my chest..."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DodoDaggins — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 10:18:04 -0500

The point of a good critique is to offer feedback on the piece, as written. As such, one has to take into account the whistle (although wheeze or some other sound might be stronger). As difficult as it may be, it's important to work within the constructs the original author has built, unless those constructs are rubbish (which the original opening line presented above was not). To simply add or take away whatever you like to completely alter the story is a poor critique. If a critic could simply tell an author to add or subtract entire chunks of story, I would demand every manuscript that crossed my path be sent back and have a car chase added. I hate to speak for the original author, but it seems he or she is trying to convey a sense of doubt in the reader--is the narrator imagining things; is the whistle actually coming from outside and creeping into the narrator's subconscious--rather than simply stating that something was standing in the corner, whistling. Remember you're critiquing a small part of a greater whole. It's highly likely the noise and paranoia are explained in the next few lines, so it's important to give the author the benefit of the doubt, rather than offer extremely overwrought examples of how everything should be changed.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

DodoDaggins — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 10:36:31 -0500

I hate to be the critique critic, but I have to disagree with you on this. The original line, as written, is just fine (if not stretching a bit too far for a hook). Your critique states there is too much data. The actual line contains a name, an action, and a hook. It reads well, and it gives just enough information to let one know what's happening, without giving so much as to drown the reader in information. You state there isn't enough emotion. To me, it seems that is the point. Using a name like "Michael R. P. Chesterfield" and depicting this person holding a crystal champagne glass tells me that he is rich, possibly old, and extraordinarily dry (as only dry people use double middle initials). There isn't supposed to be emotion, which allows the scene to be set before the unusual hook adds the "huh?" an author is looking for. Stating that there is "no reason to care" seems based solely on your reading, in which it appears you've missed the point of what is being stated. Unrealistic? I would assume it's fiction, which tends to be unrealistic. For all we know, the man being discussed is undead or takes great pleasure in pain, in which case the sucking gunshot wound would be very realistic--for this fictional world. And when I read your statement that there's too much telling rather than showing, my first thought was "Does he expect explosions and other cheesy sound effects?" Then I read your example. I'm truly sorry if this comes across as insulting, but to insist that a more subtle opening be replaced with what reads like script directions for a terrible B-grade movie is not helpful in the least. If someone turned in a manuscript with the word "urk" in it, unless it's a manuscript for a comedy (and even then, probably), I'd pass without reading another word. Sometimes (actually, most of the time) it's best to err on the side of nuance. I'm not offering a critique on your skills as a writer. I'm sure you're fantastic. And I'm sure you're very helpful to other writers in need of a critique. But this critique seems like you just picked random negative adjectives out of a hat and applied them where they most certainly did not fit. And now that I just scrolled up and realized you're the same critic whose critique I just got done rebuking, I think I'll just log off for a few weeks.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

chug20 — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:13:45 -0500

Wow. Thanks for the kind words, and I'm not trying to be insulting either, but chill out. He was offering his honest opinion, and I'm happy to have it, whether I agree or not. Opinions are as numerous as people, and I welcome them all. By the way, the line you were just fighting about was one that popped into my head literally minutes before I went to bed after a long period without sleep. I have no story to go with it. I honestly didn't expect it to be all that good. But I'm glad you think it is. Thanks again.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:22:13 -0500

Very minor but I just thought I would add in that "grass-filled" made me actually think of hills filled with grass, in place of hills covered in grass. So maybe instead, write "grass-covered hills" or "grassy hills". Otherwise, I was not really a fan of "ducks duck" unless this is for younger readers...then again, Thalia06 liked it, so w/e. Hope this helps. :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 10:50:30 -0500

Thanks. It's actually fantasy though :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:22:57 -0500

Oh, btw, hey! haha, I didn't even look at your name first!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 14:37:37 -0500

Haha, thanks! And I'll take that into consideration, as this isn't going to be for younger readers. Thanks again :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 07:39:27 -0500

There just isn't enough there to capture my interest, which is probably why you felt the need to add the reference. Your words should be able to stand on their own without the cliff notes.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Erica Cash — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:43:22 -0500

okay, i'll work on it and hopefully figure it out. Thanks a ton :)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:12:49 -0500

[quote=Jack Fisher] @DistantDreamerX: read Aidrean's dialog out loud, it sounds like a written statement rather than natural speech. Maybe something like, “I don’t understand,” Aidrean replied slowly, carefully choosing her words. “I’m no Champion, much less the gods' Champion.” @ Cody McElroy: "The ________ floorboards _________ underfoot." use the adjective and verb to set whatever tone you're trying to give the opening scene. rotted, rough, unfinished, aged, treacherous floorboards that creak, groan, squeak, crack, complain underfoot. _________ On a rainy Midsummer Eve, panicked refugees told us plague raged in a village a day's ride away; it would be a short summer for many. [and another. why not? is a slow thread] Thompson pulled himself upright, flicked open the cylinder, dumped hot brass, thumbed in his last three bullets and waited for the shadowy figures just outside the door. [/quote] I like your sentences. I played with them, but by no means improved them, I was just having fun. A stream of refugees poured north. We didnt need to ask their stories; plague, death, and summers cut short plastered their pallid faces. Thompson reloaded, hot brass smoking, falling. Three bullets left. Three men outside the door; he waited for them to show their faces, heads, or any part he could shoot off.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

JamesIsHereBro — Fri, 04 May 2012 10:24:46 -0500

"A lone figure stepped out of the darkness"

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Fri, 04 May 2012 11:51:51 -0500

[quote=JamesIsHereBro] "A lone figure stepped out of the darkness" [/quote] you can play around with the tone by making him stepping into the light rather than out of the darkness. is the figure good? evil?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:22:28 -0500

I'd like a bit more context. Darkness is vague. Was he in a dark alley? Rising from a crypt? In the shadows? Lone figure is vague too, but it can work if we have other concrete details to latch onto.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

JamesIsHereBro — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:05:19 -0500

[quote=Jack Fisher] [quote=JamesIsHereBro] "A lone figure stepped out of the darkness" [/quote] you can play around with the tone by making him stepping into the light rather than out of the darkness. is the figure good? evil? [/quote] The character is going to be very mysterious. Hence the "darkness" part. I want it to difficult to discern whether the character is actually evil or not.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

JamesIsHereBro — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:04:47 -0500

[quote=Banespawn] I'd like a bit more context. Darkness is vague. Was he in a dark alley? Rising from a crypt? In the shadows? Lone figure is vague too, but it can work if we have other concrete details to latch onto. [/quote] I think I've decided to make the character spectral, so I don't want to give too much information away about the character. I've only incuded the one sentence, but I could expand on his apparel/appearance. Such as his trench coat or the singular raven resting on his shoulder. But appearing out of a dark alleyway could work. Just somewhere in a populated area. I could alter the setting, as i've only had this idea for a day or so. So anything is interchangable.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Sun, 06 May 2012 21:05:56 -0500

Even if this is 1st person and is going to have some questionable punctuation/grammar, I think you should find a way to clean up that first sentence. Also the second sentence is kind of obvious. So maybe if you at least said "But I couldn't stop myself from doing it." In fact, maybe include the tallying after that sentence...I don't know...I do like the idea of the opening but the current arrangement just isn't quite working for me.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

AlahraNadal — Sun, 06 May 2012 21:09:28 -0500

I don't think this has enough information. Since I don't know anything about any character, any situation, or any failed attempt to change whatever situation, I really have no interest in the story. Sorry. Start with character or action maybe and just move this down a line or two...just my opinion.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Mon, 07 May 2012 08:38:30 -0500

[quote=SensMiettes] I'm kind of brand new here so... -There was nothing that could change it now.- [/quote] it works for me. its a _first line_. I don't expect a great deal of anything in the _first line_. it hints of sadness or resignation, which is an ok start, given that its a _first line_. in my many years as a reader, I've never tossed out a novel because I didn't like the _first line_ and I doubt anyone actually has.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

RavenUltra — Mon, 07 May 2012 07:15:11 -0500

Thank you! I was playing around with it just to see how it works ect and wasn't so sure myself. So you've been a great help :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Sun, 06 May 2012 21:43:58 -0500

[quote=AlahraNadal] I don't think this has enough information. Since I don't know anything about any character, any situation, or any failed attempt to change whatever situation, I really have no interest in the story. Sorry. Start with character or action maybe and just move this down a line or two...just my opinion. [/quote] That is what I was thinking. This is the stater line of all my starters for this particular idea. I've only recently begun to understand how a story is made and I believe that my characters are my strong point but I just can't feel any emotion that compells the mind through my oppenings. The one I have been dabbling with most recently is. -Nothing could change it now. There was no solution that could turn back time and she was stuck with whatever options fate had gifted her with. Besides, even if she could go back, she'd still be stuck in this hell.-

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Banespawn — Mon, 07 May 2012 13:37:32 -0500

Nothing could change it now. There was no solution that could turn back time and she was stuck with whatever options fate had gifted her with. Besides, even if she could go back, she'd still be stuck in this hell. The 2nd sentence is just a repeat of the first. None of the sentences actually tell me anything, or give me any reason to be interested in the story. Stop beating around the bush. You're trying too hard to be dramatic here. Give her a name. Show us what she's doing. Let her actions tell the story.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Mon, 07 May 2012 15:30:55 -0500

That was the emotion I was trying to show. Her name is Cyril and she has been in a similar conflict to the one she faces in the opening line that had cost her more than it should have. Basically, she cannot will herself to run away even though she knows that her only hope is escape. I have been working a lot one-on-one with her character and have been trying really hard to discover whether it is fear or pride. Recently I have concluded that it was fear that held her there. I really dislike starting out with a name, because I feel that you design the character before you design the name. My problem with the openning is that I literally have over thirty that I am trying to settle with. The time period is medieval France during the 15th century so I have been working on the views of life. I mixed in fantasy to even out the reality in which the medieval person saw, not manic, but the bases if the supernatural. Emotion is what I am lacking right now in writing.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lisa.Vail — Mon, 07 May 2012 17:01:19 -0500

The first part is fine, but the second part could do with being redone. Just adding in 'she would not run' or even 'she refused to run' or perhaps more detail like 'the idea of escape didn't cross her mind'. Overall though I can see what you're trying to do with this line and I like it - but that second part does feel a tiny bit off. But fix that and I'd say it's pretty decent! :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Mon, 07 May 2012 18:33:54 -0500

[quote=Lisa.Vail] Short and sweet. 'The Factory's cold today.' [/quote] there's something to be said for short and sweet. on the other hand, the long and sour: "I rattled my shackles and roared about seeing the ambassador until I was hoarse, then the KGB agent I knew as Veronika handed me yesterday's newspaper (the Die Presse, I recall), and there, on the back page, was a story about an American engineer killed in a fiery crash on the A1 - and my photograph captioned, 'ze Victim'."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Custodian — Thu, 10 May 2012 10:30:19 -0500

I definately like short and sweet. Although unless this is a statement someone is making I would change it to The factory is cold today.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Custodian — Thu, 10 May 2012 10:21:26 -0500

Overall I like this line but I wonder about the use if the word smoke. I find it confusing. The only reason I can think of for smoke coming out of someone's mouth is becase they are a fire breather. Or I suppose a dragon. If you use breath instead of smoke then you don't have to specify it as having come from Christie's mouth, and you can say how it hung (or floated) in the air in front of her in the dusty half-light. Also clouds to me suggest a fairly large size, if Christie can see her breath then perhaps wisp or puff or even tendril would be a better word. The curling wisps of breath seemed to spell Christie's final words and hang heavily in the dusty half-light of the shed. or perhaps Christie's breath curled out into the the dusty half-light of the shed seeming to spell her final words.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Lisa.Vail — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:34:02 -0500

Sounds to me that she's smoking a cigarette... but then I've been wrong before!!!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Thu, 10 May 2012 12:15:49 -0500

Yes, I'm sure this seems better with the whole paragraph, but that doesn't mean it's a bad opening sentence. Straight away we are introduced to a dark and eerie setting. I personally would change the wording slightly: Street lamps in this area were few and far between. But that is literally all I can think of. Hope that helps

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Fri, 11 May 2012 18:58:42 -0500

[quote=Custodian] The street lamps in the area were few and far between. It's interesting. I don't think I've ever looked at my first sentence, not on it's own, only in the context of the paragraph. In the paragraph I think it did quite well but looking at it on it's lonesome like this makes it seem a bit lacking. [/quote] I feel that is expresses a mystery though it could also be interpreted as a statement. It doesn't really have the potential to pull the reader in. It just kind of gives off this completed vibe. I would enjoy it as the last words of a chapter or perhaps an entire work than the begging. It really concludes the subject rather than opens.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Custodian — Sat, 12 May 2012 09:03:34 -0500

The second line reads: Kira was glad of the darkness hoping that it would hide her shame. It should feel definitive because the two main characters have just had a fight (which you'd find out about if you get through the first three or four sentences:)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Sat, 12 May 2012 05:06:54 -0500

I'd change the order of the words a bit, but that might just be me. The sound of dogs barking in the alley could be heard as Anke put Nolke to bed that night.' Or something along those lines.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

SensMiettes — Sat, 12 May 2012 19:11:57 -0500

Hm. The second line brings in more of an impact. It gives you the questions "How is she shameful?" or "What did she do?" I can see you working suspense into your work by describing her emotions and that simple actions that shame or guilt tends to bring iin a further piece in developing character. My characters thrive off of shame and guilt. They seem to grow in deserate situation when the world kicks them down. If you hold off your reasoning for her actions then you migt be able to display more about her character and draw the reader in. I like the second line very much, it seems to supplement the first.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 13 May 2012 14:51:44 -0500

I like it. One question, though not important for now: Is that someone talking? I like it, good work :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

ZackKaufen — Mon, 14 May 2012 03:36:05 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] Eli did not know which to fear worse: his nightmares which grew more real with every passing moment of slumber, or being in battle and watching your friends and allies die by your side, as well as hear the sound of death cries. [/quote] Bit of an odd one, I think. He is wondering which to fear more, nightmares or potential death? It feels a bit like you are forcing a comparison of the two when they are quite different things, and neither of them are very specific. Does he mean a specific battle? One that's already happened, or one that's going to happen? The fact that he is wondering which to fear worse implies he is _awake_ whilst wondering thing, but then the way you describe the nightmares implies that that is actually happening at present, and he is asleep. If you are going to compare nightmares and battles it could be worded better. Something like: Eli did not know which terrified him more: the nightmares that haunted him as he slept each night, growing more real with every passing moment of slumber, or the knowledge that in less than one week he would be on a battlefield, watching his friends and allies die by his side, hearing the sound of their death cries. Just a thought :-)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Mon, 14 May 2012 10:59:46 -0500

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:49:37 -0500

Thanks, guys :D I knew that SOMETHING was wrong, but could not figure it out. Thanks a ton

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:12:11 -0500

[quote=Jack Fisher] The brown native tide rolled over the last of the defenders, but by that time I was whipping the hide off my horse, in a flat out race towards the dubious safety of the heights.. [/quote] I thought you were talking about water tides then. By mid afternoon the tide of the battle had turned against us; native warriors began to pour through our defensive line, threatening to overwhelm the town and everyone in it. I whipped the hide off my horse, beating a hasty retreat towards our last redoubt on the heights overlooking the bay. I blew a bugle as I raced, calling the last of us to our final stand.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Aellio — Fri, 18 May 2012 10:25:27 -0500

Its interesting, if a bit short but I would read the next line and its nice hook to get a book started.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:59:22 -0500

Short is good. I like short. I think, however, that an opening sentence should be complete, rather than a fragment. I'm not one of those uptight souls who is against using sentence fragments in narrative, since I love deep POV, but I'm of the opinion that they shouldn't be overused. That said, I think opening a book with a fragment would raise an agent or editor's eyebrow from the very start. Not a good idea.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 19 May 2012 20:01:27 -0500

that was actually a comment on someone who rewrote my opening sentence into something that it wasn't. should have made it nested.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Fri, 18 May 2012 11:58:20 -0500

"Call me Ishmael" was good enough for Melville and you can find many others like it. double repetition is a standard type of rhetoric, but its gotta be parallel, illustrated by a break in the rewrite. so consider deleting a comma ... "I am Doomed, an outsider on the outskirts of this world." that gives you a nice second kind of parallel: outsider/outskirts. "outrider" also works: "an outrider on the outskirts of this world."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Aellio — Fri, 18 May 2012 17:07:11 -0500

To me an outrider would have to ride something on the outside of "the world" or be more alone. He sits in a mental institution, so he is an outsider in a land of many other outsiders. Even the guards could be considered outsiders because of the lack of contact they receive with the city.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:44:58 -0500

One thing that might deepen the intrigue here would be to change the subject of the sentence to the remains, rather than the smell: "The spoofed soul's dimming phosphorescent remains gave off a smell of burnt ether that filled Sebastian Stark's nose." The structure is also stronger this way because it cuts out the phrase "as he squatted over". Blocking him (i.e. showing that he's squatting over the remains) is supporting, and would be better left to your second sentence.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:50:27 -0500

I second Jack's first suggestion. Outrider has a very different, specific meaning compared to outsider. I wouldn't suggest using it if you don't intend to convey exactly what it means: out·rid·er/ˈoutˌrīdər/ Noun: A person in a motor vehicle or on horseback who goes in front of or beside a vehicle as an escort or guard. A person or thing that accompanies or precedes another, esp. as a precursor: "gray-white cumulus clouds—outriders of the storm".

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 19 May 2012 01:28:47 -0500

[quote=Pensivedragon] I second Jack's first suggestion. Outrider has a very different, specific meaning compared to outsider. I wouldn't suggest using it if you don't intend to convey exactly what it means: out·rid·er/ˈoutˌrīdər/ Noun: A person in a motor vehicle or on horseback who goes in front of or beside a vehicle as an escort or guard. A person or thing that accompanies or precedes another, esp. as a precursor: "gray-white cumulus clouds—outriders of the storm". [/quote] except "outrider" is not a term of art, and doesn't necessarily have a specific definition. regardless, it is more evocative than "outsider". whether or not it would work depends on the context, not provided here.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 19 May 2012 19:52:08 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] Red flashes lit around Eli's head as fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing away at the them and leaving the archers dangling for their lives. [/quote] that's about 30 words, and its a run on sentence. you should try rewriting it to 15 words.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cool Author — Sun, 20 May 2012 14:51:54 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] Red flashes lit around Eli's head as fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing away at the them and leaving the archers dangling for their lives. [/quote] I liked it. How, though, was it a run-on? Not to be argumentative. Just wondering :0)

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Sun, 20 May 2012 15:46:36 -0500

It's not a run-on. One thing you should be wary of in action scenes, however, are words like "as" and "and" that add clauses to sentences to make them do more things for no specific reason except to squeeze more in. The idea is that action should be fast, and when sentences have a lot of different clauses and images, it slows them down (which, by the way, isn't so bad in ordinary narrative). Think of it in terms of one sentence per image. Imagine if it were a movie, where the camera cuts to different pictures. Each time you switch to a different image, it's like changing the camera to a new shot, and you don't want to do that in a single action sentence. Consider: "Fiery boulders smashed into the walls of the kingdom, tearing them away and leaving archers dangling for their lives." This should be your opening sentence. Though it has multiple clauses, they all conjure the same image in your reader's mind, of a kingdom besieged, getting blown apart. Next comes your second sentence, which needs the other to come first in order to be effective: "Red flashes lit around Eli's head." Think about the picture here. Your "camera" has switched to your hero's face. Using this sentence structure gives you more control over your reader's imagination, which is always nice. Plus, it's easier to read.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 19 May 2012 19:58:52 -0500

"you have to understand" is a hackneyed and indirect phrase that doesn't do anything. without any context I don't know what you're trying to convey, but if its that the character's dreams are real, then: "Understand this: my dreams are real."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

bettername2come — Sat, 19 May 2012 20:49:59 -0500

It's not that the character's dreams are real. It's that everyone's are real in an alternate universe. Maybe I should post a bit more for context. "The first thing you have to understand is that dreams are real. Every time you close your eyes and go to sleep, you cross into another world. A world built on the hopes and fears of every person who has ever lived, where all things are possible. And it’s just as real as the world you face every morning when you wake up."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Sat, 19 May 2012 21:09:00 -0500

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Sat, 19 May 2012 22:35:34 -0500

[quote=bettername2come] It's not that the character's dreams are real. It's that everyone's are real in an alternate universe. Maybe I should post a bit more for context. "The first thing you have to understand is that dreams are real. Every time you close your eyes and go to sleep, you cross into another world. A world built on the hopes and fears of every person who has ever lived, where all things are possible. And it’s just as real as the world you face every morning when you wake up." [/quote] "The first thing you have to understand is that dreams are real. Every time you close your eyes and go to sleep, you cross into another world. A world built on the hopes and fears of every person who has ever lived, where all things are possible. And it’s just as real as the world you face every morning when you wake up." I like that. Maybe 'need' instead of 'have.' 'A world built on the hopes and fears of every person who has ever lived, where all things are possible. ' This sentence says that the world built hopes and fears onto something, it doesnt actualy say what you intended that the world was built of those things, instead you have the world doing something. This is easily fixed by adding something to the beggining of the sentence such as, 'This world is built on....' OR 'It is a world built on...' so on. Overall its good.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

bettername2come — Sun, 20 May 2012 16:36:39 -0500

Thanks for the feedback.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Sun, 20 May 2012 16:05:57 -0500

Thanks, Pensive. I'll do that :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 06:37:28 -0500

[quote=Cora Jenson] The secret was only ever whispered, yet some still feared it was spoken too loudly. [/quote] I dont really like those ones that start in that way. Better to be real.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Tue, 22 May 2012 06:26:09 -0500

I understand what Cora is trying to say. People think that the secret shouldn't be spoken of at all and therefore too loud, it isn't actually loud though. I like it, personally.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

jordan.williams42 — Tue, 22 May 2012 06:32:55 -0500

I think this is too much for just one sentence really. Especially at the beginning. It's interesting stuff but it could make at least three sentences I think. I'd write it like: 'Sometime after midnight I awoke to a violin trill. It was in G minor. And there was Thomspson sawing away, just hours after we'd shovelled dirt over his shallow grave. Barely a day after a Mexican sharpshooter had put a bullet in his head, he had come back.' Good stuff though, think I'd definately read the rest of the story after an opening like that. Hope that helps!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 06:34:27 -0500

[quote=Jack Fisher] Sometime after midnight I awoke to a violin trill -- in G minor -- and there was Thompson, sawing away, a day after a Mexican sharpshooter put a bullet in his head and just hours after we shoveled dirt over his shallow grave. [/quote] Ah love zombies, and perfectly written too.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:51:21 -0500

I love this opener. Wouldn't change the content at all. It did feel a little long. I think you would have planted the information into my brain better if the idea of Thompson sawing was more separate from the explanation of him being killed and buried. That's pretty arbitrary, though. Nicely done.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cora Jenson — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:39:54 -0500

Thanks. I was trying to convey the idea that some people though the secret should simply never be spoken so I am glad you picked up on that. As long as someone is understanding that I am happy.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:57:01 -0500

[quote=jordan.williams42] I think this is too much for just one sentence really. Especially at the beginning. It's interesting stuff but it could make at least three sentences I think. I'd write it like: 'Sometime after midnight I awoke to a violin trill. It was in G minor. And there was Thomspson sawing away, just hours after we'd shovelled dirt over his shallow grave. Barely a day after a Mexican sharpshooter had put a bullet in his head, he had come back.' Good stuff though, think I'd definately read the rest of the story after an opening like that. Hope that helps! [/quote] Maybe two sentences, not sure, but definately no more than that. And I dont like the idea of yours to seperate the G minor bit from the first sentence. It could definately be more descriptive but Im assuming first draft.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cora Jenson — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:51:51 -0500

Thanks for the review. I am not sure I understand what you mean by "real" in reference to this sentence because I am having trouble imagining what could be fake about it. Nonetheless, I will keep your comment in mind. There is almost nothing worse than a scene (especially an opening one) which feels fake to the reader!

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:31:49 -0500

[quote=frenziedmythology] The procession went well, considering that the prince was almost killed. [/quote] I think the passive voice works well (below is the alternate way). but I'd brainstorm for a phrase to replace "went well" "The procession was splendid, considering the prince almost died."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

frenziedmythology — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:57:23 -0500

Thanks :D

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:55:07 -0500

[quote=Jack Fisher] [quote=frenziedmythology] The procession went well, considering that the prince was almost killed. [/quote] I think the passive voice works well (below is the alternate way). but I'd brainstorm for a phrase to replace "went well" "The procession was splendid, considering the prince almost died." [/quote] "The procession was splendid, considering the prince almost died." That sounds like the procession was splendid BECAUSE the prince almost died, rather than in spite of it as I assume the author meant. Overall, the procession went splendidly, despite the foiled attempt on the prince's life. ... threatened to derail the celebrations almost before they'd begun. Crown prince? Maybe use title and name to refer to him? ... frivolity returned and they celebrated the princes birthday all the harder for life is short. ...the procession went off without a hitch More detail?

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:03:25 -0500

Agreed. Way stronger voice this way.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:32:21 -0500

My initial thought wasn't in terms of fake or real, but I think I felt the same thing in different words. This sentence doesn't give me anything specific. No image, no person (character or narrator), or even setting. It introduces an idea, that a secret is being kept... though badly, since people are whispering about it. The purpose of this type of sentence is always to build intrigue, and that's never a bad thing. But in general you can built intrigue even better while keeping your narrative closer to the materials of the world you're writing. As it is, it feels lofty. Far away. Perhaps start right up in your character's face, or deep in a setting, or thick in the voice of a person I instantly like (or hate). Or maybe even start with the secret itself. Now, THAT would draw me in, so long as the secret grabbed me by the hair and didn't let go.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:39:32 -0500

[quote=Pensivedragon] My initial thought wasn't in terms of fake or real, but I think I felt the same thing in different words. This sentence doesn't give me anything specific. No image, no person (character or narrator), or even setting. It introduces an idea, that a secret is being kept... though badly, since people are whispering about it. The purpose of this type of sentence is always to build intrigue, and that's never a bad thing. But in general you can built intrigue even better while keeping your narrative closer to the materials of the world you're writing. As it is, it feels lofty. Far away. Perhaps start right up in your character's face, or deep in a setting, or thick in the voice of a person I instantly like (or hate). Or maybe even start with the secret itself. Now, THAT would draw me in, so long as the secret grabbed me by the hair and didn't let go. [/quote] Pensivedragon comes closer to what I wanted to say. I dont quite have the words to express it.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Pensivedragon — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:24:04 -0500

Feels a bit wordy for being from a first-person perspective. Not very conversational (i.e. "will not" instead of the more natural "won't"). Also, the word surgical is an unnecessary detail. I suggest axing it, or insert it into the next sentence where it isn't extraneous. Consider: "It's the first day of my residency, but I won't see the inside of the O.R." This is one of those times you can benefit from saying a sentence aloud to see if it feels right. Note that I changed "an O.R." to "the O.R.", because if the narrator has a residency, we assume it's at a specific hospital or medical center, which brings me to... This is just my opinion, but you might also consider introducing the place in this sentence, too, since it can be worked in easily: "It's the first day of my residency at [medical center or hospital name], but I won't see the inside of the O.R." It's a good, natural opportunity to go ahead and establish your setting right off the bat. Also note that I dropped the word sadly. You want the narrator's tone to convey that it's sad, rather than have her\him tell the reader so.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 23:19:02 -0500

[quote=Kierstyn_west] Today is the first day of my surgical residency, but sadly I will not be seeing the inside of an OR. [/quote] "sadly" should go. otherwise, the sentence works ok as a short teaser. even the formal language of the narrator works if that's a speech trait if the character (e.g., Damon Runyon used this technique). "Today is the first day of my surgical residency, but I will not be seeing the inside of an OR."

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Cora Jenson — Tue, 22 May 2012 22:05:49 -0500

Thanks Pensivedragon. I understand what Kane meant much better now. I will give this some thought and figure out how I can do an even better job of drawing in the reader. This review was very helpful.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Tue, 22 May 2012 23:12:13 -0500

[quote=Kane Caston] [quote=Jack Fisher] [quote=frenziedmythology] The procession went well, considering that the prince was almost killed. [/quote] I think the passive voice works well (below is the alternate way). but I'd brainstorm for a phrase to replace "went well" "The procession was splendid, considering the prince almost died." [/quote] "The procession was splendid, considering the prince almost died." That sounds like the procession was splendid BECAUSE the prince almost died, rather than in spite of it as I assume the author meant. Overall, the procession went splendidly, despite the foiled attempt on the prince's life. ... threatened to derail the celebrations almost before they'd begun. Crown prince? Maybe use title and name to refer to him? ... frivolity returned and they celebrated the princes birthday all the harder for life is short. ...the procession went off without a hitch More detail? [/quote] less detail. I know the site loves layering in the detail (to get to that magick number), but often, less is more. if the prince dodged a bullet, just say it without gilding the lily.

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Wed, 23 May 2012 00:11:21 -0500

It is important to actually incluce the residency. It adds specificity to the character. There are several types of residencies. Suppose the main character was an internal medicine resident. That is a lot different that a surgical resident. What if it was a pediactric resident. That, too, is a lot different than a surgical resident. What do they all have in common? Most of them will do surgery rotations. So, you could have a medicine resident that will be in the operating room on his or her surgery rotation; the same with a peds, ER, ENT, traditional rotating, radiology, urology, family medicine, etc. resident. I think it is important to make the distinction. --JSC

Re: Critique on your opening line.

J_S_C — Wed, 23 May 2012 00:12:03 -0500

it is important to actually INCLUDE... where is my edit button...

Re: Critique on your opening line.

Jack Fisher — Wed, 23 May 2012 07:35:44 -0500

[quote=J_S_C] It is important to actually [include] the residency. It adds specificity to the character. There are several types of residencies. Suppose the main character was an internal medicine resident. That is a lot different that a surgical resident. What if it was a pediactric resident. That, too, is a lot different than a surgical resident. What do they all have in common? Most of them will do surgery rotations. So, you could have a medicine resident that will be in the operating room on his or her surgery rotation; the same with a peds, ER, ENT, traditional rotating, radiology, urology, family medicine, etc. resident. I think it is important to make the distinction. --JSC [/quote] while the type of resident is important, why is it important to name it in the _first line_? this being a novel, there's a second line and another 150,000 words to follow. this opening line is a tease, and it works. there are thousands of reasons a novelist could devise for why a resident might not see an OR: maybe he's about to be fired, maybe she's going to resign and do missionary medicine in some benighted country like France, maybe Godzilla just destroyed the hospital. that's the _point_ of teases. no edit buttons until your complete your residency.