Critiques on plots

I didn't see any other posts offering. And I thought that this would help some people, cut down on # of posts, etc.

Basically you post the plot of your story here. Not the entire novel of course but a basic summary of whats going on. Then other people, of course, review it and give some advice & such.
Here's something to make it a bit easier.

Title:
Plot: (I'd suggest not to go past 4 paragraphs, for times sake)
Concerns: (questions and what you want the reader to know before critiquing)

This sounds interesting actually, will wait to read some

I should have probably added as a rule: Do NOT steal ANYONES plot. EVER.

Good idea, it should already been known but not everyone will actually think not to do it

I was actually thinking last night this should be a thread!

So, I'm kind of self-conscious about my plot. I like it in my opinion, but I'm really worried that it actually is terrible. Please be honest, but not incredibly brutal.

Title: Embers:

Plot: Avadora is the messiah, a human sent from the Gods with an aura to protect the Northmanni from their advanced rival tribe, the Catatonse who were slaughtering the Northmanni before Avadora came. . The Northmanni haven't evolved like we have, they don't experience love or passion, and their ultimate desire is for survival. Avadora is human and has evolved like we have, and experiences these feelings and ultimately never really fits in with the Northmanni. While they worship her, they treat her like some sort of object only to be used for their gain, and as a result of this she becomes incredibly depressed. He subconscious transports her to Earth, our world where she awakes from a coma as someone else. She still has her memories from her previous world, and knows that she needs to get back because without her aura, her whole home would be destroyed. But she has no idea how, and while learning the ways of this world, she learns a terrible truth about the destiny of her world and Earth. Getting back is now more important than ever, but what will she find when she does manage to return home? Will her home be destroyed to nothing but a city of embers, destroyed by the Catatones? And can she return to her Earth in time to save it too?

So here is a rough plot.

Plot:

Mystery Clarke, at the age of sixteen learns that she has the sex chromosomes of a boy.

When she is in her late thirties, Mystery is in an adulterous relationship with her married lover, Heather. Heather tells Mystery that she is leaving her husband to be with her. Against her better judgment, and with the knowledge that Heather has a past filled with impulsive and rash decisions, Mystery tells Heather, that it isn’t a good idea. Feeling that her feelings are unrequited by Mystery, Heather leaves, and severs contact with the woman that she loves more than anything in the world.

While contemplating how to get Heather back, Mystery learns that her mother is getting married to man that is unlike the father that abandoned her when he learned of her condition. The future husband has a son named Brandon, the namesake of Mystery’s brother who died of a heart condition in high school. The confused feelings of Mystery and the recent death of Brandon’s wife, lead the two of them to have a drunken tryst. Mystery immediately feels guilty about her supposed infidelity with Brandon, and Brandon is convinced that he is in love with Mystery. It’s only made worse when Heather returns to see the wedding. Heather tells Mystery that she has left her husband, and Mystery wasn’t the reason for the divorce. Heather’s husband had been cheating on her as well, and she got tired of living a lie.
At the wedding, Brandon learns that Mystery and Heather have reconciled and are an item. He is filled with the need to steal Mystery from Heather. Unable to confront Brandon, Heather takes it upon herself to rectify the mistake that Mystery made with Brandon, but in doing so, Mystery thinks that Heather is cheating on her with the man in which she cheated on Heather.

While Mystery is trying to discover if her suspicions about Heather and Brandon are true, she learns that her father is dying and is making an attempt to contact her. She refuses to see him, but learns from him in a letter that her mother is hiding a secret from her that makes her question her father’s reasons for leaving, the cold way he treated her in the past, and the motivation for the decisions through her life.

Concerns: Wordiness. I'd like to get it under three hundred words, and eliminate the excess, but I'm conflicted about what is needed for the plot, vs. what is important for the plot.

--JSC

May I ask, if this really the whole plot? I'm assuming this must be a romance novel, & you may tell me I am wrong if I am, but besides that, I see no plot, & I feel Mystery is the girl everyone falls for when in reality, with her disorder, you could go more in depth when the truth emerges, if it emerges. When I read your opening line, I was really whoa!, but nothing seems to come out of it. Alright, her dad left? Ummm...I fail to see her lose trust in men who know her disorder so she seems to have grown up fine. Brandon has the same namesake as her dead brother? Wicked are they related...um no doesn't seem like a twist to show how her life is falling apart. Heather...well if she's known for making rash choices, it's not surprise she would once again try & find Mystery. Another thing, Mystery? The whole name seems a bit eh...& a whole bunch of side jokes come to mind: "What's the mystery with you, Mystery?" Or "Is there really a Mystery to why your love life is a mess, Mystery? Etc etc...

Trying not to be mean, just honest. =) And yes it is a bit too wordy.

How specific are these summaries supposed to be? Are we merely posting the premise of our novels, or are we trying to go more in depth and actually explaining the major points in the story from start to finish (including plot twists and the ending)?

Title: McAdam’s Apple (working title)

Plot: Rose Buchanan, a 30-something divorcee, causes family ructions when, out of the blue, she announces that she is pregnant. The father, McAdam, is allegedly a well-paid engineer working in the Saskatchewan oil fields in Canada. Rose insists that McAdam knows about the baby and will return to support his family. But, when he fails to make an appearance after the birth, Rose’s sister, Iris, enlists the help of her Irish boyfriend, Frank, to track him down.

It was apparently a whirlwind romance, and Rose has very little information about McAdam. Iris’ detective work centres on a poor quality photograph of a windswept drill engineer that gives little away about his physical appearance. Their search takes them to Bergen in Norway and to Aberdeen, but then the trail goes cold. Eventually, the family begin to suspect that Rose knows more than she is telling about the identity of the mysterious McAdam.

Rose’s daughter, Flora (awful names, I know), grows up to be a pretty and intelligent child with an enquiring mind. Soon enough she wants to know what became of her father. The family are fairly sure that “McAdam” is an invention, but they have no new clues to go on. Worse, suspicion falls on Frank, whose looks so closely resemble Flora’s.

The plot loosely follows the search for Flora’s father, but the novel really centres on the unravelling of Rose’s cover story and the affect her secrecy has on other family relationships. No one is giving voice to their suspicions, but it seems that Frank will be forced to prove his innocence if his relationship with Iris is going to survive … and asking for a blood test is out of the question.

Concerns: I didn’t know about Nano until 2nd November so didn’t give too much thought to either the plot or the characters, which were originally written as place-markers. There is a lot of rewriting to do to flesh out my characters, but my main concern is that the story, as it stands, is too linear and predictable. I need a few credible twists.

ETA (oh where is the delete/edit key?!)

Don't worry about the search taking Iris and Frank to Bergen and Aberdeen, despite McAdam apparently working in Canada. This is due to a logo on the overalls worn by the windswept character in the photo ... They are trying to identify his employers. It makes sense in the context of the story, I promise.

Title: Beginning in Paradox 1: Kuldorii

Plot:
The ArchMage Chambeeta Kamboolii is pulled out of his sabattical of sixteen years and told it is time to return to work once more. The last task he performed for the organization he serves (the Wu) was to hide the Princess Rokinna Makasha on another world to prevent her death and develop her skills differently so that she would not fail in her efforts to save her Kingdom after her mother's predicted assassination. Now that the threads leading to that assassination have been actualized with the death of Queen Makasha, it is time to retrieve the Princess and return her home. So what the plot boils down to is that Kamboolii must return to Minth where the Princess has been raised without knowledge of who she is, and convince her to return to her home world and save her people.

Wu policy dictates that at least one of every trio sent (they always send three agents) to accomplish a mission where an agent has gone before must contain at least one member of the previous trio sent. Kamboolii is that individual. But there are things that Kamboolii doesn't fully know about this mission, things that he can't remember (by design). In the fragments of the memories that he has, he knows that all of this has been done before - seen before - in a dream of a life that occurred in his early youth when he was trained to view the future and proceed down a given path. His immediate superior, the High Elf Arbiter Nappa Ree, does know these things, and has worked over the course of the last fifty years to put the correct events into place. Essentially, Nappa has served as a Guide for Kamboolii to lead him along this path. The true goal is to prevent the Drathraq Empire from conquering the world of Em that Rokinna Makasha has come from. This path leads to the domination of the Wu by the Drathraq. The Drathraq are formed of a race of Drow Vampires intent on farming and harvesting all worlds administered by the Wu for blood. Allowing the Drathraq to succeed is intolerable. But even worse, there is the potential of releasing a greater power than the Drathraq during the course of this mission, an event that would result in the destruction of everything. Kamboolii must find the middle ground. If he cannot, then this entire timeline must be sealed and split from the Wu realmhead.

Though the plot may seem complicated, it's actually rather simple when read in linear context. The reader only knows bits and pieces as they come into play. The main part of the plot is the journey. The first book deals with recovery of the Princess. The second book deals with the resolution of a paradox that begins at the end of the first book. The third book details what happens when the Princess returns to her home world and must battle the Drathraq on Em to save her Kingdom.

Dana Reeves, twenty and well-educated has the world at her feet.
Running a world-renowned newspaper with her fiancé at her side
is all she has ever dreamed of.

Her happiness is short-lived when her house explodes a week before the wedding, killing Carter and leaving her devestated.

Six years later, she’s the best criminal that crime boss George Grimes’ has ever seen and
on the road to hell in the seedy underbelly of New York, as Grimes’ right hand woman.

Sent to small town of Saffron undercover, Dana’s partner,
Tess Callahan pops in and out as she faces the family she’s
spent so long avoiding, all while meeting Erik Rayner, a man who
can get a rise out of her like no other, and who could possibly be the
one to unlock the key to her bitter heart.

Dana makes a startling discovery when her ex-lover, Carter
Hampton rises from the dead with a deadly truth, tossing her into
his world of lies, murder, and deception.

Torn between her two lovers, crime and a life she no longer
wants, Dana must take a self-journey and make her choice between
them.

Carter, gorgeous, worldly, charming, and everything she
thought she once wanted. Or Erik, kind-hearted and the epitome of
everything she once despised in life. Who will be her final
choice?

Concerns: I have none, at the moment. But if you could help me make this better, I would be extremely grateful. It's rough at best, but it's better than my first attempt, which was Fivewords: GIRL TORN BETWEEN TWO GUYS.

Plot (back cover synopsis): The Civil War is coming, but don't you worry. The North has a new invention that will crush the South once and for all. This modern marvel can switch the minds of two beings, mechanical or organic! Sounds like a dream, but when the machine is used for evil, America and the rest of the world is shrouded in a nightmare. The only one who can stop the madness is Beatrix Bower, an ordinary girl- until now.

Concerns: There's not much information here. It's just a little blurb. This is steampunk if you haven't figured it out, and the invention is about as realistic as an octopus riding a bike. Actually that might work. The 'ordinary girl- until now' does not mean there's magic in the story. Yep, no magic just fake science. This is my first novel, and I want it to be great, so what do you think?

Still Untitled

Plot (This part is 1 of 3 contained in the book. I'm debating breaking this into more manageable chunks.)

Part I
In 1199 Richard the Lionheart was killed storming the castle of one of his feudal lords. By his side was Mercadier, an arrogant bastard in the same vein as Richard. Mercadier died for the first time as he scrambled to escape retribution from the vassals of the former king. He awoke from his injuries amazed and bewildered, considering himself damned.

As he was considered dead, Mercadier disavowed his former holdings and joined a monastery in Northern Italy. There he met Joaquin, a deformed castoff orphaned at the doors of the monastery years before. Joaquin and Mercadier become friends as rumors spread through the village of monsters and demons. Mercadier, understanding now his invulnerability, traces the sightings and midnight disappearances to the deformed Joaquin.

Like Mercadier, Joaquin has a power which alters those he injures. It is Joaquin's innate force and its spread that create the myths and legends of werewolves, vampires, and other supernatural beings in Medieval Europe. Each of those affected by Joaquin in turn spread the infection further.

Mercadier, a devout monk now, sees this as his chance for redemption. He scours Europe tracking Joaquin, who fled when confronted, and destroying the infected. Over the course of 200 years as Mercadier grows closer, Europe changes. By the 1500's Mercadier has tracked Joaquin to Patagonia in South America. Cornered on the Drake Passage, Mercadier traps Joaquin in a sepulchre created through the eruption of a volcano. Trapped, but alive and invulnerable like Mercadier, Joaquin will rot forever.

Mercadier's mission now is to find something that will allow him to return and finally destroy Joaquin.

So basically I'm kind of reluctent to do this, because of my plot twist, but then again, I've been posting on a few critique topics and haven't got great feedback. I thought it, whilst it's still only available as a download to very few people and before more people read it, once I've put the little 'trailer' thing on YouTube and it's really out there in the big world. I thought I should have a plot critique whilst I'm at it ;)

Also this is book 1 of 2, and it's a comedy(at times quite black, at times like a Carry On film)/drama/romance. I've tried to make to equal parts of each.

Each chapter is written from the narrator POV and is interspersed (or sometimes within a chapter) with flashback/memories from Lilli's POV or Elm's POV.
There are also illustrations through the book.
Also to create a so called soundtrack (which is on the website as well) there are song lyrics through out the book as well, I've probably broke a thousand copyright laws and reproducing the lyrics but well I'm not making any money of it, the book is totally and 100% FREE.

The basic idea was to have people see the website first, but the band profiles are in the book, I just thought a website that was a bit like a band's website was a cool idea to go with the book and the facebook page was really just to promote the book so.

www.LilliAndTheMunsters.piczo.com


I'll try and make things as clear as possible, and sorry it's a bit lengthy, a lot happens.

Any feedback would be much appreciated :)

The plot-

Lilli Morgan is returning to the music scene after roughly a 2 year break with her own band, Lilli and the Munsters. We already know from the blurb and also in chapter 1, that she quit as vocalist with her former band The Wires, live on TV hence the 2 year break. It revealed that she quits because The Wires guitarist Adam basically wouldn't take no for an answer and keeps trying to get into Lilli's pants.


The story really starts when Lilli and the Munsters are guest judges on a TV show, like x-factor/pop idol, and suddenly The Wires(as they are now) are brought in as the replacement band on the so called rival team.
The night before the show is due to start Lilli starts an affair with a man, but we don't know who this is, only being referred to as 'he'.
During the next 2 weeks(the run of the TV show), Lilli continues this affair, we also meet Rafael, the bands PR. Whilst we also find out that LATM's keyboardist Sarah, has also started up an affair with a man... the same man? Different man? We don't know because he's identity is also kept a s secret. Although the man/men are describe as vaguely the same.

Next Lilli and also LATM win some awards at a ceremony that The Wires are also attending. Basically their up for pretty much the same awards and LATM win. More importantly after the ceremony Lilli and her lover are at the hotel and lurking in the shadows someone (we have know idea who) takes a photo.

Then in the next chapter 7, Lilli and Elm go home for their aunt's birthday party, which Sarah is also invited too.
In this chapter, we meet Phil (Lilli and Elm's older brother), their parents Ken and Liz.
We also find out who Lilli's lover is... it's Elm.
And for the next few chapters... the word farce sums it up...

Chapter 10, Dave, LATM's bassists finds out about how close Lilli and her brother really are.

Then it's Sarah's birthday. We find out that Stuart, LATM's drummer, already knows about Lilli and Elm, but we don't know how.

And final chapter, chapter 12 is where I think the most drama of the book kicks in.
Someone has sent Rafael the photo's of Lilli and Elm kissing, requesting they only want to deal with Lilli personally, and they don't want money etc.
Elm goes to Phil and explains about the photo and also that Lilli thinks she might be pregnant. Then after some hysterical crying Elm goes to Lilli and asks what she going to do...

And that is where book 1 ends, on hopefully a really good cliffhanger... Who's the mystery photographer? And what do they want if not money? Will they sell the photo's to the press anyway? Is Lilli pregnant? What about when their parents find out? Who is Sarah sleeping with? What's she going to do when she finds out about Lilli and Elm?

Strange Land (One of a series of five)

When Lena Price was nearly six years old, an unidentified vampire murdered both of her parents. Fearing she would grow up badly because of the tragedy, her loving godfather did his best to keep her safe from the harsh world of vampire attacks and hate, with the two residing in the heart of Cape Cod, virtually isolated from any bloodboroughs (slums and shanty towns that vampires are segregated to).

Now eighteen, Lena leaves her perfect home and arrives at Eliot University, the first American college to integrate human students with lycanthropes and shifters five years ago. While her best friend Lewis flourishes in the new environment, Lena feels completely overwhelmed by not only the sudden wave of adult responsibility, but also the intense anti-preternatural and anti-human sentiment fuming among the many students. Lena desperately clings onto her old, innocent life at home, but she can only sense it breaking away, leaving her feeling as isolated as ever. Her kind boyfriend of over one year, Jack, is the only thing keeping her afloat, for he is a living emblem of her life in Cape Cod.

The confusion and loneliness only increases when she befriends Leo, a vampire that recently escaped twelve-year imprisonment in an extremist organization, the S.U.N.S. (Society for “Undesirable” National Suppression). He was conditioned in a way during his imprisonment so that he would vomit every time he drank human blood by mixing emetics in his food. Though society and her loved ones have taught her to view his kind as evil, she helps him recuperate and moves him into a condemned frat house on campus, for Leo confesses to being Lena’s great-great-great-great uncle, and has watched over the familial line for generations. She feels connected to Leo, for so few of her true family members are still alive or are in contact with her.

Lena keeps Leo a secret from everyone, especially Jack, for he hates vampires more than most people. After leaving to see a movie when Lena backs out of sex, her and Jack get into an argument while driving. Not paying attention, they drive near a bloodborough, where they see a group of vampires. Jack, a wannabe member of the Office of Vampire Population Control and Eradication (where he interns), recklessly goes off to deal with them.

In the process, Jack accidentally murders a human being he assumed to be a vampire. This is the turning point of the novel. Horrified, Lena wants Jack to tell the police, but by manipulating her love for him, he convinces her to keep the whole thing a secret. Despite this, there perfect relationship begins to crumble as Jack reveals a darker side of himself, and confesses to hating all preternatural beings. He begins to shed the guilt he felt for the murder, believing he only prevented another potential vampire and meal, as well as getting rid of a “scarfie” (term for those who seek out vampires). For Lena, the dividing line between good and evil have blurred far too much, as well has the memories of her innocent, black-and-white childhood.

Concerns: I do not want the murder to happen in the very beginning, so I am a little lost about what to do for the first part of the book. Yes, I have the thing with Leo and Lena transitioning to college, but I don’t think it’s enough to hold the plot until get to the murder scene. Any ideas? Nothing big, just something to do with Jack and Lena before the murder. The novel is more complex and serious than it sounds, and isn’t as vampire-centric as it seems to be in this summary.

Note: Having noticed this in a few other posts, I ask for you to please not correct my writing. I know it sucks in this, but that’s not why I am here.

Hi friends :) My WIP is realistic YA (I think) fiction. The plot is basically the coming of age story of my 20 year-old FMC. It's very contemporary as it deals with the issue of how difficult it is for this generation of college grads to find employment, how terrible the economy is, etc. The FMC suffers her first terrible heartbreak from a long distance relationship. Also, suffers a lot from how other people treat her because of jealously. The novel charts her journey from being a very innocent college freshman to a point where she figures out how strong she really is and what she's meant to do in the world. It's very character driven, not only by the FMC but the other characters as well. Third person POV.

Seven years ago, Henry was on a bounty mission to hunt down an ex-princess. However, this person also turned into his worst nightmare. Her name was Launye Kaylca Strider, who in addition to being an ex-princess, was also an ex-witch. Upon their first meeting he kinda thought she was attractive especially after she set several men's pants on fire. That was until she called Henry's--well, she called it small--a fact that was broadcast all over the multiverse.

Since the plan to kill her failed, the secret organization that regulates magic, WOMA, cursed Launye as a fairy. She had to consume magic water to stay alive otherwise the curse will eat her lifespan. Henry was made to be her guardian as punishment for his failure and was sentenced as Launye's murderer to cover for her supposed demise.

Together, they gathered a band of not-so merry men to form Magic Solutions, Inc. on a backwater planet. The company solves magical problems for the right price. Launye, however, consumes all of the company's profits through her expensive habit. For seven years of bickering they haven't had any progress on finding a cure. Things would have continued this way until Isabelle, a television producer showed up on their door step. With her large boobs, dyed-platinum hair, stiletto and sweet talk of blackmail, she induced them into a television contract.

Magic is forbidden to anyone who does not belong to WOMA. WOMA rather not have their secrets leaked to the public. They begin their attacks to kill Launye.

In addition, the new assignments are much harder than expected, making Launye consume more magic water which makes her addiction worse. Henry tries desperately to control her consumption, but Launye often defies him.

After a Giant God Squirrel eats one of their employees, company loyalties fall apart. Time is running out to find Launye a cure and free Henry of his obligation.

Concerns: I'm still trying to nail the tone to match the story, which is kinda a fun, dark comedy romp. I'd also like to be able to shorten this for a query format, but the structure of the story doesn't lend itself to a traditional query very well since the direct antagonist is also the other protagonist.

Also my head is halfway in the story so points may not be clear, though the book is pretty much finished. (Revising the second chapter for a fourth time. TT)

Not sure if this plot too, has a legitimate need of a prologue. I'm heavily debating it since the men that read the story don't seem to pick up on the foreshadowing clues. --;; (This book has a weird gender bias. I'm serious. It splits the audience along gender lines. And I do mean gender rather than sex.)

This plot is steampunk if you can't tell. :)

The Civil War is fast approaching. Beatrix Bower can feel it in her bones. Her theories are confirmed when the newly elected President Lincoln requests her father to build an invention to help the North crush the South once and for all. This modern marvel can actually switch the minds of two beings, organic or mechanical. To naïve Beatrix it sounds like a dream, but when an unassuming yet powerful enemy snatches the new technology, America and the rest of the world is shrouded in a nightmare.

The only ones who can stop it are young Beatrix and her ragtag posse. Wren, the local oddball who despises wealth and its effects, is always at the throat of Marie, one of society’s elite. Axel, an obnoxious albino with a crippling fear of the sun, might just be more useful than he seems. Okapi is a simple mechanic with his head in the clouds.

When Beatrix’s father is killed, the stakes raise and the mystery intensifies. Tracking an enemy who is constantly switching between bodies can be difficult, especially when he puts his consciousness into the bodies of the people Beatrix loves. Faced with the right choice and the difficult choice, our heroes must follow a faceless villain around the world as he leaves carnage in his path.

With new inventions, the spirits of the dead can be brought back, if only for a time, and machines might start thinking for themselves. The eyes are the windows to the consciousness, and there is nothing civil about this war.

May I have some critiques and comments on my plot? Thank you!

Title: Swiss Chocolates and Rice Hats (subject to change)

Plot/Summary:

Ever since her father died in a landslide accident four years earlier, Hoang Mai-Ly's family has been struggling to make ends meet in their poor village in the Sa Pa province of north Vietnam. Determined and desperate to help feed her family, Mai decides to grab a once-in-a-lifetime chance and travels abroad with an American news-reporter to Switzerland. She takes up an occupation as a simple dishwasher in a quaint German restaurant, sending meager amounts of money back home. But soon, she is given an opportunity to serve as a house-keeper in the home of one of the richest, well-known families in the area. When Mai meets Hartwin Eichelberger, the prodigious heir to the family business and fortune, she discovers a whole new world full of hope, possibility... and love.