Critiques on plots

skymessenger — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 11:12:16 -0600

I didn't see any other posts offering. And I thought that this would help some people, cut down on # of posts, etc. Basically you post the plot of your story here. Not the entire novel of course but a basic summary of whats going on. Then other people, of course, review it and give some advice & such. Here's something to make it a bit easier. Title: Plot: (I'd suggest not to go past 4 paragraphs, for times sake) Concerns: (questions and what you want the reader to know before critiquing)

Re: Critiques on plots

MoonPhaseChick — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 12:29:46 -0600

This sounds interesting actually, will wait to read some

Re: Critiques on plots

skymessenger — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 12:49:46 -0600

I should have probably added as a rule: Do NOT steal ANYONES plot. EVER.

Re: Critiques on plots

MoonPhaseChick — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 12:51:08 -0600

Good idea, it should already been known but not everyone will actually think not to do it

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skymessenger — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:00:36 -0600

[quote=MoonPhaseChick] Good idea, it should already been known but not everyone will actually think not to do it [/quote] thx!!!

Re: Critiques on plots

natedog123 — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:52:22 -0600

I was actually thinking last night this should be a thread! So, I'm kind of self-conscious about my plot. I like it in my opinion, but I'm really worried that it actually is terrible. Please be honest, but not incredibly brutal. Title: Embers: Plot: Avadora is the messiah, a human sent from the Gods with an aura to protect the Northmanni from their advanced rival tribe, the Catatonse who were slaughtering the Northmanni before Avadora came. . The Northmanni haven't evolved like we have, they don't experience love or passion, and their ultimate desire is for survival. Avadora is human and has evolved like we have, and experiences these feelings and ultimately never really fits in with the Northmanni. While they worship her, they treat her like some sort of object only to be used for their gain, and as a result of this she becomes incredibly depressed. He subconscious transports her to Earth, our world where she awakes from a coma as someone else. She still has her memories from her previous world, and knows that she needs to get back because without her aura, her whole home would be destroyed. But she has no idea how, and while learning the ways of this world, she learns a terrible truth about the destiny of her world and Earth. Getting back is now more important than ever, but what will she find when she does manage to return home? Will her home be destroyed to nothing but a city of embers, destroyed by the Catatones? And can she return to her Earth in time to save it too?

Re: Critiques on plots

J_S_C — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:10:44 -0600

The formatting of this makes it a little difficult to read. But, I think I get the gist of what is going on. I think that all of this should be in the present tense. There are redundancies that need to be removed. The Northmanni haven't evolved like we have, they don't experience love or passion, and their ultimate desire is for survival. This can be eliminated, and summed up with the addition of a single word in the first sentence "primitive." Avadora is human and has evolved like we have, and experiences these feelings and ultimately never really fits in with the Northmanni. You tell us that Avadora is human in the first sentence. He subconscious transports her to Earth, our world where she awakes from a coma as someone else. I think that he=her. No need to tell us that Earth is our world. I think that we all know that. The rest is not bad, but I think you can do better by giving me more details about what is going on. The plot can be a little longer and still have the appearance of a summary. --JSC

Re: Critiques on plots

J_S_C — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:22:48 -0600

So here is a rough plot. Plot: Mystery Clarke, at the age of sixteen learns that she has the sex chromosomes of a boy. When she is in her late thirties, Mystery is in an adulterous relationship with her married lover, Heather. Heather tells Mystery that she is leaving her husband to be with her. Against her better judgment, and with the knowledge that Heather has a past filled with impulsive and rash decisions, Mystery tells Heather, that it isn’t a good idea. Feeling that her feelings are unrequited by Mystery, Heather leaves, and severs contact with the woman that she loves more than anything in the world. While contemplating how to get Heather back, Mystery learns that her mother is getting married to man that is unlike the father that abandoned her when he learned of her condition. The future husband has a son named Brandon, the namesake of Mystery’s brother who died of a heart condition in high school. The confused feelings of Mystery and the recent death of Brandon’s wife, lead the two of them to have a drunken tryst. Mystery immediately feels guilty about her supposed infidelity with Brandon, and Brandon is convinced that he is in love with Mystery. It’s only made worse when Heather returns to see the wedding. Heather tells Mystery that she has left her husband, and Mystery wasn’t the reason for the divorce. Heather’s husband had been cheating on her as well, and she got tired of living a lie. At the wedding, Brandon learns that Mystery and Heather have reconciled and are an item. He is filled with the need to steal Mystery from Heather. Unable to confront Brandon, Heather takes it upon herself to rectify the mistake that Mystery made with Brandon, but in doing so, Mystery thinks that Heather is cheating on her with the man in which she cheated on Heather. While Mystery is trying to discover if her suspicions about Heather and Brandon are true, she learns that her father is dying and is making an attempt to contact her. She refuses to see him, but learns from him in a letter that her mother is hiding a secret from her that makes her question her father’s reasons for leaving, the cold way he treated her in the past, and the motivation for the decisions through her life. Concerns: Wordiness. I'd like to get it under three hundred words, and eliminate the excess, but I'm conflicted about what is needed for the plot, vs. what is important for the plot. --JSC

Re: Critiques on plots

MoonPhaseChick — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:03:13 -0600

May I ask, if this really the whole plot? I'm assuming this must be a romance novel, & you may tell me I am wrong if I am, but besides that, I see no plot, & I feel Mystery is the girl everyone falls for when in reality, with her disorder, you could go more in depth when the truth emerges, if it emerges. When I read your opening line, I was really whoa!, but nothing seems to come out of it. Alright, her dad left? Ummm...I fail to see her lose trust in men who know her disorder so she seems to have grown up fine. Brandon has the same namesake as her dead brother? Wicked are they related...um no doesn't seem like a twist to show how her life is falling apart. Heather...well if she's known for making rash choices, it's not surprise she would once again try & find Mystery. Another thing, Mystery? The whole name seems a bit eh...& a whole bunch of side jokes come to mind: "What's the mystery with you, Mystery?" Or "Is there really a Mystery to why your love life is a mess, Mystery? Etc etc... Trying not to be mean, just honest. =) And yes it is a bit too wordy.

Re: Critiques on plots

Honeybadger12345 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:33:57 -0600

How specific are these summaries supposed to be? Are we merely posting the premise of our novels, or are we trying to go more in depth and actually explaining the major points in the story from start to finish (including plot twists and the ending)?

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:48:57 -0600

I agree. Judging by the critiques received so far, this is in danger of becoming another "Back Cover Copy and Title Critique" thread. I assumed the OP was looking for general opinions about the premise of the plot rather than a detailed critique on the wording of the description.

Re: Critiques on plots

natedog123 — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 06:38:44 -0600

Thought so too. I feel really dumb now posting my plot, I most look like a dweeb when I had a ton of errors in it, but I thought I was going to receive a critique on the premise. Oh well!

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 07:25:53 -0600

Don't feel a dweeb. I think you had it right and J_S_C misunderstood. There really is no point in critiquing your grammar or description. That should be left for the back page or even a query letter critique. On the other hand, I do have some sympathy with J_S_C in that your description is a little hard to follow. I've added some extra line breaks and commas just to try and clarify it a bit: [quote]Plot: Avadora is the messiah, a human sent from the Gods with an aura(?)to protect the Northmanni from their advanced rival tribe, the Catatonse, who were slaughtering the Northmanni before Avadora came. The Northmanni haven't evolved like we have, they don't experience love or passion, and their ultimate desire is for survival. Avadora does experience these feelings and ultimately never really fits in with the Northmanni. While they worship her, they treat her like some sort of object only to be used for their gain, and as a result of this she becomes incredibly depressed. He (who?) subconscious(???) transports Avadora to Earth, our world (presumably you mean ‘our world’ as in ‘present day’), where she awakes from a coma as someone else. She still has her memories from her previous world, and knows that she needs to get back because, without her aura, her whole home would be destroyed. But Avadora has no idea how to get home and, while learning the ways of this world, she learns a terrible truth about the destiny of her world and Earth. Getting back is now more important than ever, but what will she find when she does manage to return home? Will her home be destroyed to nothing but a city of embers, destroyed by the Catatones? And can she return to her Earth in time to save it too? [/quote] I like the basic idea of Avadora marooned in a strange world and faced with a race against time to get back and save her people. I'm unsure about your use of the word "aura" to describe her special powers. An "aura" to me conjures up the image of some sort of personal techni-coloured forcefield and it is hard for me to make that leap of imagination to see how it could be used to save an entire planet. That may not matter at all if you have included some more detailed description of its form and power in your novel. I've highlighted "He subconscious transports her to Earth ..." because it doesn't seem to make sense. I'm thinking there's a typo there somewhere. Other than that, your last para is exactly what I would expect to see on the back cover of your novel. Great as a hook to draw your readers in but, in terms of critiquing your plot, it gives us nothing to go on. May be you could give some examples of the sort of obstacles and twists that Avadora overcomes in her quest to get home ... which, presumably, she does.

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:32:20 -0600

Title: McAdam’s Apple (working title) Plot: Rose Buchanan, a 30-something divorcee, causes family ructions when, out of the blue, she announces that she is pregnant. The father, McAdam, is allegedly a well-paid engineer working in the Saskatchewan oil fields in Canada. Rose insists that McAdam knows about the baby and will return to support his family. But, when he fails to make an appearance after the birth, Rose’s sister, Iris, enlists the help of her Irish boyfriend, Frank, to track him down. It was apparently a whirlwind romance, and Rose has very little information about McAdam. Iris’ detective work centres on a poor quality photograph of a windswept drill engineer that gives little away about his physical appearance. Their search takes them to Bergen in Norway and to Aberdeen, but then the trail goes cold. Eventually, the family begin to suspect that Rose knows more than she is telling about the identity of the mysterious McAdam. Rose’s daughter, Flora (awful names, I know), grows up to be a pretty and intelligent child with an enquiring mind. Soon enough she wants to know what became of her father. The family are fairly sure that “McAdam” is an invention, but they have no new clues to go on. Worse, suspicion falls on Frank, whose looks so closely resemble Flora’s. The plot loosely follows the search for Flora’s father, but the novel really centres on the unravelling of Rose’s cover story and the affect her secrecy has on other family relationships. No one is giving voice to their suspicions, but it seems that Frank will be forced to prove his innocence if his relationship with Iris is going to survive … and asking for a blood test is out of the question. Concerns: I didn’t know about Nano until 2nd November so didn’t give too much thought to either the plot or the characters, which were originally written as place-markers. There is a lot of rewriting to do to flesh out my characters, but my main concern is that the story, as it stands, is too linear and predictable. I need a few credible twists.

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:42:40 -0600

ETA (oh where is the delete/edit key?!) Don't worry about the search taking Iris and Frank to Bergen and Aberdeen, despite McAdam apparently working in Canada. This is due to a logo on the overalls worn by the windswept character in the photo ... They are trying to identify his employers. It makes sense in the context of the story, I promise.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kamboolii — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:47:39 -0600

So, it looks like the issue is that Rose's baby could be the child of her sister's boyfriend, and that she may have made up this McAdam's person, forcing Frank to prove that he's innocent. I would guess that this would certainly cause a large amount of family drama, and that this story is really about that drama. Personally, I'm not usually into this kind of a story being a main plot, but rather a sub-plot into a larger more interesting story. That being said, the story still works on its own if you're good enough at writing family drama of this type. It would be more exciting to me if McAdam turned out to exist, and its seems easy for Frank to prove he's not the father via a blood test, so it looks like an open and shut case from that perspective - he simply proves that he isn't the father, and if he refuses the test than he's likely the father an the whole thing is made up, so Frank would have to have a pretty good reason for refusing to be tested and still maintain the reader's suspension of belief that he isn't the father. Stuff like this doesn't play well when someone refuses to have a blood test and doesn't have a good reason. It's like a plot hole. Why is asking for the blood test out of the question? There has to be a good reason. If McAdams is the father, then the quest continues to find him, making the story more of a detective story with family drama in it. That works fine, and holds the reader's interest. Where are Rose's and Iris's parents in this?

Re: Critiques on plots

Kamboolii — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 09:06:02 -0600

Title: Beginning in Paradox 1: Kuldorii Plot: The ArchMage Chambeeta Kamboolii is pulled out of his sabattical of sixteen years and told it is time to return to work once more. The last task he performed for the organization he serves (the Wu) was to hide the Princess Rokinna Makasha on another world to prevent her death and develop her skills differently so that she would not fail in her efforts to save her Kingdom after her mother's predicted assassination. Now that the threads leading to that assassination have been actualized with the death of Queen Makasha, it is time to retrieve the Princess and return her home. So what the plot boils down to is that Kamboolii must return to Minth where the Princess has been raised without knowledge of who she is, and convince her to return to her home world and save her people. Wu policy dictates that at least one of every trio sent (they always send three agents) to accomplish a mission where an agent has gone before must contain at least one member of the previous trio sent. Kamboolii is that individual. But there are things that Kamboolii doesn't fully know about this mission, things that he can't remember (by design). In the fragments of the memories that he has, he knows that all of this has been done before - seen before - in a dream of a life that occurred in his early youth when he was trained to view the future and proceed down a given path. His immediate superior, the High Elf Arbiter Nappa Ree, does know these things, and has worked over the course of the last fifty years to put the correct events into place. Essentially, Nappa has served as a Guide for Kamboolii to lead him along this path. The true goal is to prevent the Drathraq Empire from conquering the world of Em that Rokinna Makasha has come from. This path leads to the domination of the Wu by the Drathraq. The Drathraq are formed of a race of Drow Vampires intent on farming and harvesting all worlds administered by the Wu for blood. Allowing the Drathraq to succeed is intolerable. But even worse, there is the potential of releasing a greater power than the Drathraq during the course of this mission, an event that would result in the destruction of everything. Kamboolii must find the middle ground. If he cannot, then this entire timeline must be sealed and split from the Wu realmhead. Though the plot may seem complicated, it's actually rather simple when read in linear context. The reader only knows bits and pieces as they come into play. The main part of the plot is the journey. The first book deals with recovery of the Princess. The second book deals with the resolution of a paradox that begins at the end of the first book. The third book details what happens when the Princess returns to her home world and must battle the Drathraq on Em to save her Kingdom.

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 09:19:13 -0600

Thanks for that speedy response. Yes, you are right. Of course a blood test would resolve the whole thing instantly, but the suspicion over Frank does not emerge until Flora is a few years old and, even then, no one really wants to believe that he might be Flora's father. Frank's a lovely guy. It is only that Flora grows up with the same (typically Irish) colouring, after all. In fact, by the end of the book, both Frank and Iris realise that a blood test would remove all doubt, but Iris also knows that asking for one would destroy any remaining trust between them. Luckily it doesn't come to that. I wasn't sure how much I should give away in my request for a critique, but I'm glad you said you would prefer it if McAdam turned out to exist after all.

Re: Critiques on plots

ELOAgent — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:29:58 -0600

Dana Reeves, twenty and well-educated has the world at her feet. Running a world-renowned newspaper with her fiancé at her side is all she has ever dreamed of. Her happiness is short-lived when her house explodes a week before the wedding, killing Carter and leaving her devestated. Six years later, she’s the best criminal that crime boss George Grimes’ has ever seen and on the road to hell in the seedy underbelly of New York, as Grimes’ right hand woman. Sent to small town of Saffron undercover, Dana’s partner, Tess Callahan pops in and out as she faces the family she’s spent so long avoiding, all while meeting Erik Rayner, a man who can get a rise out of her like no other, and who could possibly be the one to unlock the key to her bitter heart. Dana makes a startling discovery when her ex-lover, Carter Hampton rises from the dead with a deadly truth, tossing her into his world of lies, murder, and deception. Torn between her two lovers, crime and a life she no longer wants, Dana must take a self-journey and make her choice between them. Carter, gorgeous, worldly, charming, and everything she thought she once wanted. Or Erik, kind-hearted and the epitome of everything she once despised in life. Who will be her final choice? Concerns: I have none, at the moment. But if you could help me make this better, I would be extremely grateful. It's rough at best, but it's better than my first attempt, which was Fivewords: GIRL TORN BETWEEN TWO GUYS.

Re: Critiques on plots

Steampunk avi8or — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:43:05 -0600

Plot (back cover synopsis): The Civil War is coming, but don't you worry. The North has a new invention that will crush the South once and for all. This modern marvel can switch the minds of two beings, mechanical or organic! Sounds like a dream, but when the machine is used for evil, America and the rest of the world is shrouded in a nightmare. The only one who can stop the madness is Beatrix Bower, an ordinary girl- until now. Concerns: There's not much information here. It's just a little blurb. This is steampunk if you haven't figured it out, and the invention is about as realistic as an octopus riding a bike. Actually that might work. The 'ordinary girl- until now' does not mean there's magic in the story. Yep, no magic just fake science. This is my first novel, and I want it to be great, so what do you think?

Re: Critiques on plots

overthehill — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:41:45 -0600

So, Dana is running a world-renowned newspaper aged 20 (wow!) with her fiancé, Carter. Then Carter is killed and Dana turns to a life of crime, working for Grimes. Her partner, Tess, turns up to investigate. (Has Dana also become a lesbian or does Tess also work for Grimes?) No. Hang on. Tess pops in and out of the story, avoiding her family … or is she avoiding Dana’s family? And who is Erik taking the rise out of, Tess or Dana? Dana, presumably. So what has Tess got to do with the plot? Then Carter rises from the grave and plunges Dana into a world of lies, murder, and deception. But she is an arch-criminal on the road to hell in the seedy underbelly of New York already, right? So Dana has to choose whether she wants to mend her ways and settle down with kind-hearted Erik who she despises, or go back to Carter and a life of crime that she doesn’t want either. If it were me, my self-journey would take me as far away from the both of them as I could run! Don’t take me too seriously. I’m sure that the twists are intentional and the story isn’t like that at all, but I wonder if anyone else found this as confusing as I did. Actually, your plot looks like it has the makings of a great book, if you could iron out some of the apparent discrepancies in the description.

Re: Critiques on plots

beanza3 — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 15:47:19 -0600

Sorry for it being so long!!! :D ______________ Mystery Clarke, at the age of sixteen[,] learns that she has the sex chromosomes of a boy. [Why the time skip? It’s a great opening line, but if the sex chromosomes have no significant character impact or plot point, don’t even mention it.] When she is in her late thirties, Mystery is in an adulterous relationship with her married lover, Heather. [Say adulterous or married. One makes the other redundant. ] Heather tells Mystery that she is leaving her husband to be with her. Against her better judgment, and with the knowledge that Heather has a past filled with impulsive and rash decisions, Mystery tells Heather, that it isn’t a good idea. Feeling that her feelings are unrequited by Mystery, Heather leaves, and severs contact with the woman that she loves more than anything in the world. [“feeling that her feelings” is redundant in such a short space. Maybe feeling that her love for Mystery, or something more exact. Fearing her love is unrequited? And why would she just sever contact? Does she feel that she’s been played or used? If so, feel free to make note, that’s important.] While contemplating how to get Heather back, [Why is this so hard? Did Heather move? Is Mystery terrified of phones and computers? Because this makes it sound like she’s just sitting around going, “Hey, how do I get Heather back? BRANDON!” Which, I’m pretty sure isn’t what you want…] Mystery learns that her mother is getting married to man that is unlike the father that abandoned her when he learned of her condition. [Okay, break this up. Mystery learns her mother is getting married. How does this make her feel? Is she grateful? Worried? How did her father abandon her? Did he abandon the family as well, or was it just her? Explain! ] [While contemplating how to get Heather back, Mystery learns about her mother’s engagement. While her future husband is unlike her father, this new development brings back the pain of her parents divorce and his abandonment of her following her diagnosis. The future husband has a son named Brandon, the namesake of Mystery’s brother who died of a heart condition in high school. [Is this important to their relationship? If not… Don’t even mention it, it makes it wordier and harder to follow.] The confused feelings of Mystery and the recent death of Brandon’s wife, lead the two of them to have a drunken tryst. Mystery immediately feels guilty about her supposed infidelity with Brandon, and Brandon is convinced that he is in love with Mystery. It’s only made worse when Heather returns to see the wedding. [The wedding between Mystery’s mom + Fiancée? When do Brandon and Mystery meet for this tryst anyway? How long is this before the wedding?] Heather tells Mystery that she has left her husband, and Mystery wasn’t the reason for the divorce. Heather’s husband had been cheating on her as well, and she got tired of living a lie. At the wedding, Brandon learns that Mystery and Heather have reconciled and are an item. [So… Heather says this before the actual wedding? Clear this whole part up, the chronology is confusing.] He is filled with the need to steal Mystery from Heather. [That’s awkward phrasing. Why does he want to? A guy that is dating a girl, (as you implied) may want to get her back because he loves her/she’s really good in bed/whatever, but this implies they were never in a relationship, so…] Unable to confront Brandon, Heather takes it upon herself to rectify the mistake that Mystery made with Brandon, but in doing so, Mystery thinks that Heather is cheating on her with the man in which she cheated on Heather. [So Heather is unable to confront Brandon, so she confronts Brandon making Mystery think she’s cheating on her with Brandon… That’s confusing. Why would Mystery think so? Why is this so important to Heather? Is Brandon stalking M? Is H overprotective? Mystery and Brandon were in fact dating? Poor guy. No wonder he went crazy….] While Mystery is trying to discover if her suspicions about Heather and Brandon are true, she learns that her father is dying and is making an attempt to contact her. [Hold the fort! Is this the true plot? Not the stalking or the cheating, but Mystery and her father? Really and truly! …Then why didn’t we hear about this 200 words ago?] She refuses to see him, but learns from him in a letter that her mother is hiding a secret from her that makes her question her father’s reasons for leaving, the cold way he treated her in the past, and the motivation for the decisions through her life. [And the book ends here. Because nothing gets solved right? My advice is, figure out your plot. Then, re-write this about the plot. Girl with weird mutation is estranged from her father, and learns about him and they bond on his deathbed. Hint clearly at the subplot with Heather, and how the chaos in her life affects the main plot. ] [Because you spend way too much time writing about subplots. And these subplots don’t make any of your characters sympathetic. Then, write more about the motives. Why did her father get up and leave? Where her parents divorced before or after M was 16? Why was she named Mystery? You have to make the plot sound interesting enough for whoever you send this to to read. And right now, it’s a little messy. Best of luck, sorry if I sound mean, but, I have issues figuring that out! The story sounds interesting, you just need to spend more time on motivation. Good characters can do bad things, but motivation makes us okay with that! :D]

Re: Critiques on plots

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:30:55 -0600

First of all, I love your profile picture. The bunny is cute. Secondly, though your premise sounds REALLY unique and interesting from this blurb (I've never read Steampunk, but this makes me want to), I don't think it gives away much of the actual PLOT. But I like what I see!

Re: Critiques on plots

Sparksbet — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:35:42 -0600

All the strange names made the plot difficult to follow for me. It seemed interesting, but with so many weird, inpronouncable names floating around, I had trouble remembering who anyone was for more than a sentence. From what I could gather, it seems like the standard epic fantasy. My main concern is that the fact that the main part of the plot is the journey will lead to a bunch of filler. But if you avoid that, it seems like it'd be a good novel.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kamboolii — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:22:56 -0600

I like the filler more than anything else in this story. It's all character reaction and character driven, and while the plot seems simple, by the time the reader hits the second book the plot really comes into its own. Yes, there are a lot of strange terms, but they're introduced a little at a time, and you get the gist of them quickly. Character, organization, and city names are repeated consistently, so you know who these people are, who they serve, and where they're at or where they're going to very easily. So far my readers haven't had trouble with the names. Most of the feedback I've had revolves around further environmental descriptions and more in-depth sensibilities to the characters. Every chapter has its own problem/resolutions building on the initial plot. It is epic fantasy, yes. I think it becomes clear though, rather early on, that it's not standard. It's weird epic fantasy in a strange environment with very odd characters.

Re: Critiques on plots

MoonPhaseChick — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:00:02 -0600

So a person can switch their mind with that of a plant? For example?

Re: Critiques on plots

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:40:01 -0600

I have no problem with length. I will admit that it is a sloppy post and I should never have posted it. The problem with my novel is that there are two simultaneous plots going on. One is not a subplot to the main plot. The time skips because one plot is in the present, and the other in in the past. The thing is that the plot of the past influences the choices and rationality of decisions in the present. I cannot simply go from A to B without invoking A-prime to B-prime and sometimes, I have to talk about C-prime in order to get to C. It is a disjointed but linear (in two different periods) story. I understand it perfectly in my head, but am facing the difficulty of simplification and brevity. --JSC

Re: Critiques on plots

J_S_C — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:41:21 -0600

Secondly, stop apologizing for "sounding mean," I am a doctor. I have been yelled at, spit on and shit on actually. There is nothing much at all that anything anyone could say that would hurt my feelings.

Re: Critiques on plots

beanza3 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:52:13 -0600

You might need to downplay one plot to make it shorter. Maybe cut out some of the romance in the begining? Or you might try to show that they parallel by doing a paragraph about "A" (father-daughter) then one about "B" (M-H) and then alternating. It might show that it's a duel plot better... And I'm sorry for apologising? >.< I never know who's on the other end, it could be a 12 year old who can't take anything negative, or someone like you. I like to have all my bases covered. If you re-post another, I'd be glad to look it over again! :D

Re: Critiques on plots

Wilson3sd — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:51:39 -0600

Still Untitled Plot (This part is 1 of 3 contained in the book. I'm debating breaking this into more manageable chunks.) Part I In 1199 Richard the Lionheart was killed storming the castle of one of his feudal lords. By his side was Mercadier, an arrogant bastard in the same vein as Richard. Mercadier died for the first time as he scrambled to escape retribution from the vassals of the former king. He awoke from his injuries amazed and bewildered, considering himself damned. As he was considered dead, Mercadier disavowed his former holdings and joined a monastery in Northern Italy. There he met Joaquin, a deformed castoff orphaned at the doors of the monastery years before. Joaquin and Mercadier become friends as rumors spread through the village of monsters and demons. Mercadier, understanding now his invulnerability, traces the sightings and midnight disappearances to the deformed Joaquin. Like Mercadier, Joaquin has a power which alters those he injures. It is Joaquin's innate force and its spread that create the myths and legends of werewolves, vampires, and other supernatural beings in Medieval Europe. Each of those affected by Joaquin in turn spread the infection further. Mercadier, a devout monk now, sees this as his chance for redemption. He scours Europe tracking Joaquin, who fled when confronted, and destroying the infected. Over the course of 200 years as Mercadier grows closer, Europe changes. By the 1500's Mercadier has tracked Joaquin to Patagonia in South America. Cornered on the Drake Passage, Mercadier traps Joaquin in a sepulchre created through the eruption of a volcano. Trapped, but alive and invulnerable like Mercadier, Joaquin will rot forever. Mercadier's mission now is to find something that will allow him to return and finally destroy Joaquin.

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:44:07 -0600

I think it sounds cool :) I know that's not very critical but I liked the overall concept and think it would be interesting and entertaining to read, especially if your going to make it 1 of 3 and continue the story on, so as the reader you'd want to know what happens to Mercadier and Joaquin in the final part. Hope this help :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Wilson3sd — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:50:47 -0600

I appreciate it! This is the first time I've really sat and tried to describe my plot (outside of talking to myself), so I appreciate any feedback. Was there anything that stood out as yay! boo! or meh...? (Sorry, I'm fairly addled right now.) Parts II and III deserve their own posts, so I'll likely do those soon.

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:53:01 -0600

No worries. Nothing stood out apart from the werewolf/vampire legends thing, I thought it added to the plot nicely :)

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:40:08 -0600

So basically I'm kind of reluctent to do this, because of my plot twist, but then again, I've been posting on a few critique topics and haven't got great feedback. I thought it, whilst it's still only available as a download to very few people and before more people read it, once I've put the little 'trailer' thing on YouTube and it's really out there in the big world. I thought I should have a plot critique whilst I'm at it ;) Also this is book 1 of 2, and it's a comedy(at times quite black, at times like a Carry On film)/drama/romance. I've tried to make to equal parts of each. Each chapter is written from the narrator POV and is interspersed (or sometimes within a chapter) with flashback/memories from Lilli's POV or Elm's POV. There are also illustrations through the book. Also to create a so called soundtrack (which is on the website as well) there are song lyrics through out the book as well, I've probably broke a thousand copyright laws and reproducing the lyrics but well I'm not making any money of it, the book is totally and 100% FREE. The basic idea was to have people see the website first, but the band profiles are in the book, I just thought a website that was a bit like a band's website was a cool idea to go with the book and the facebook page was really just to promote the book so. www.LilliAndTheMunsters.piczo.com I'll try and make things as clear as possible, and sorry it's a bit lengthy, a lot happens. Any feedback would be much appreciated :) The plot- Lilli Morgan is returning to the music scene after roughly a 2 year break with her own band, Lilli and the Munsters. We already know from the blurb and also in chapter 1, that she quit as vocalist with her former band The Wires, live on TV hence the 2 year break. It revealed that she quits because The Wires guitarist Adam basically wouldn't take no for an answer and keeps trying to get into Lilli's pants. The story really starts when Lilli and the Munsters are guest judges on a TV show, like x-factor/pop idol, and suddenly The Wires(as they are now) are brought in as the replacement band on the so called rival team. The night before the show is due to start Lilli starts an affair with a man, but we don't know who this is, only being referred to as 'he'. During the next 2 weeks(the run of the TV show), Lilli continues this affair, we also meet Rafael, the bands PR. Whilst we also find out that LATM's keyboardist Sarah, has also started up an affair with a man... the same man? Different man? We don't know because he's identity is also kept a s secret. Although the man/men are describe as vaguely the same. Next Lilli and also LATM win some awards at a ceremony that The Wires are also attending. Basically their up for pretty much the same awards and LATM win. More importantly after the ceremony Lilli and her lover are at the hotel and lurking in the shadows someone (we have know idea who) takes a photo. Then in the next chapter 7, Lilli and Elm go home for their aunt's birthday party, which Sarah is also invited too. In this chapter, we meet Phil (Lilli and Elm's older brother), their parents Ken and Liz. We also find out who Lilli's lover is... it's Elm. And for the next few chapters... the word farce sums it up... Chapter 10, Dave, LATM's bassists finds out about how close Lilli and her brother really are. Then it's Sarah's birthday. We find out that Stuart, LATM's drummer, already knows about Lilli and Elm, but we don't know how. And final chapter, chapter 12 is where I think the most drama of the book kicks in. Someone has sent Rafael the photo's of Lilli and Elm kissing, requesting they only want to deal with Lilli personally, and they don't want money etc. Elm goes to Phil and explains about the photo and also that Lilli thinks she might be pregnant. Then after some hysterical crying Elm goes to Lilli and asks what she going to do... And that is where book 1 ends, on hopefully a really good cliffhanger... Who's the mystery photographer? And what do they want if not money? Will they sell the photo's to the press anyway? Is Lilli pregnant? What about when their parents find out? Who is Sarah sleeping with? What's she going to do when she finds out about Lilli and Elm?

Re: Critiques on plots

MoonPhaseChick — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:58:44 -0600

Just wanted to say I love the band name ;)

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 09:40:19 -0600

Thanks :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Honeybadger12345 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:45:55 -0600

Strange Land (One of a series of five) When Lena Price was nearly six years old, an unidentified vampire murdered both of her parents. Fearing she would grow up badly because of the tragedy, her loving godfather did his best to keep her safe from the harsh world of vampire attacks and hate, with the two residing in the heart of Cape Cod, virtually isolated from any bloodboroughs (slums and shanty towns that vampires are segregated to). Now eighteen, Lena leaves her perfect home and arrives at Eliot University, the first American college to integrate human students with lycanthropes and shifters five years ago. While her best friend Lewis flourishes in the new environment, Lena feels completely overwhelmed by not only the sudden wave of adult responsibility, but also the intense anti-preternatural and anti-human sentiment fuming among the many students. Lena desperately clings onto her old, innocent life at home, but she can only sense it breaking away, leaving her feeling as isolated as ever. Her kind boyfriend of over one year, Jack, is the only thing keeping her afloat, for he is a living emblem of her life in Cape Cod. The confusion and loneliness only increases when she befriends Leo, a vampire that recently escaped twelve-year imprisonment in an extremist organization, the S.U.N.S. (Society for “Undesirable” National Suppression). He was conditioned in a way during his imprisonment so that he would vomit every time he drank human blood by mixing emetics in his food. Though society and her loved ones have taught her to view his kind as evil, she helps him recuperate and moves him into a condemned frat house on campus, for Leo confesses to being Lena’s great-great-great-great uncle, and has watched over the familial line for generations. She feels connected to Leo, for so few of her true family members are still alive or are in contact with her. Lena keeps Leo a secret from everyone, especially Jack, for he hates vampires more than most people. After leaving to see a movie when Lena backs out of sex, her and Jack get into an argument while driving. Not paying attention, they drive near a bloodborough, where they see a group of vampires. Jack, a wannabe member of the Office of Vampire Population Control and Eradication (where he interns), recklessly goes off to deal with them. In the process, Jack accidentally murders a human being he assumed to be a vampire. This is the turning point of the novel. Horrified, Lena wants Jack to tell the police, but by manipulating her love for him, he convinces her to keep the whole thing a secret. Despite this, there perfect relationship begins to crumble as Jack reveals a darker side of himself, and confesses to hating all preternatural beings. He begins to shed the guilt he felt for the murder, believing he only prevented another potential vampire and meal, as well as getting rid of a “scarfie” (term for those who seek out vampires). For Lena, the dividing line between good and evil have blurred far too much, as well has the memories of her innocent, black-and-white childhood. Concerns: I do not want the murder to happen in the very beginning, so I am a little lost about what to do for the first part of the book. Yes, I have the thing with Leo and Lena transitioning to college, but I don’t think it’s enough to hold the plot until get to the murder scene. Any ideas? Nothing big, just something to do with Jack and Lena before the murder. The novel is more complex and serious than it sounds, and isn’t as vampire-centric as it seems to be in this summary. Note: Having noticed this in a few other posts, I ask for you to please not correct my writing. I know it sucks in this, but that’s not why I am here.

Re: Critiques on plots

ELOAgent — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:45:09 -0600

Oh, sorry, I should have made that more clear: Dana gets sent to Saffron undercover to face the family, she never wanted to see again (Amy, James, and Janelle,) her siblings, and her partner, Tess Callahan pops in and out, unannounced, to help keep Dana stable. These are all good questions. I will have to redo that. Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it. ELOAgent

Re: Critiques on plots

NanoDiva — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:12:32 -0600

Hi friends :) My WIP is realistic YA (I think) fiction. The plot is basically the coming of age story of my 20 year-old FMC. It's very contemporary as it deals with the issue of how difficult it is for this generation of college grads to find employment, how terrible the economy is, etc. The FMC suffers her first terrible heartbreak from a long distance relationship. Also, suffers a lot from how other people treat her because of jealously. The novel charts her journey from being a very innocent college freshman to a point where she figures out how strong she really is and what she's meant to do in the world. It's very character driven, not only by the FMC but the other characters as well. Third person POV.

Re: Critiques on plots

NanoDiva — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:14:16 -0600

Wow, just read over my post and I apologize for the typos-- I'm on my phone.

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:41:22 -0600

Sounds interesting and something people of the same age could relate to etc. Interested to know why others are jealous of her and how the long distance relationship comes about and then breaks down. As a general idea, it sounds fine :) Hope this helps :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Illusionary Nothing — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:18:34 -0600

Heya honeybadger, I notice that you, like so many unfortunates, got skipped. I'll offer what I can. First, congrats for melding the real world with the supernatural in what sounds like a very seamless manner. I can really picture this alternate earth you're describing. Leo being her many-time-distant great uncle is quite strange and sudden. I understand this is part of her character development to become someone who accepts the supernatural, but I feel this should be tied more into the plot, and perhaps hinted at throughout. A big problem I have with this is that it doesn't make sense that he watches over his descendants. If he's as far removed as you suggest, there must be LOADS of them by now, and it would be quite impossible. I feel like you could dump this aspect and the plot would still work, as well as be a lot more believable. I also didn't really get the SUNS thing- what it meant, why he would be imprisoned, or why he was conditioned to vomit. I do like the idea of her befriending a vampire, though. That Jack turns out to be a complete maniac should not completely surprise the reader or Lena. There should be a transition- maybe he gradually becomes more extreme in his views during his internship at this angry organisation- although here, I also feel a huge plothole- vampires and werewolves are allowed to go to university, but can still be hunted down and killed? Either they're considered people or they aren't. I feel a decision needs to be made here. Potentially, he always has an aggressive streak that Lena didn't like, but was so good to HER that she ignored it or made excuses (this is often the case in RL). I don't know if this is something you want, but I feel you shouldn't start with her parents being killed when she's a kid- start when she's just leaving for university, right in the thick of things because she's going somewhere that accepts the very creatures her uncle has tried to protect her from. Start with the real conflict. There are definitely some plot holes here, but I can see the basis for a really good urban fantasy with a strong focus on character development, which is how I like them. Focus on believability and consistency in your world and characters, and I'm sure everything else will follow nicely. Well done and good luck. :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Wilson3sd — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:19:39 -0600

@Honeybadger How much of the plot is world building? There seems to be a pretty defined and intricate society within this story. Second, to get to your concern. I hate the term, but it seems the scene is the cliffhanger for the first part/act. Rather: Act I would go Family Murder to Cape Cod to College to Jack Murder. I think this sets you up to pursue the ramifications of the murder throughout the remainder. Sorry this is short, I remember it from another thread and seeing it here helps put the pieces in line. My mac just ate my original post for it, so I had to retype quickly.

Re: Critiques on plots

Illusionary Nothing — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:20:01 -0600

To clarify, when I say 'dump this aspect' in regards to the Leo aspect of the plot, I mean scrap him being related. As a friend, it is much more believable, and the character development is all the stronger.

Re: Critiques on plots

NanoDiva — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:35:26 -0600

Thank you! It does :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Honeybadger12345 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:01:14 -0600

Ah, well I shall clarify a few of things you mentioned (God, too much of my story needs to be explained). The SUNS are like the supernatural equivalent to the KKK, except they prefer torture over death. To sum it up, they torture and/or kill supernatural creatures, and even humans who fraternize with them. The reason they fed Leo blood mixed with emetics is so that he would develop an aversion to human blood, just in case he escaped their clutches, and also as a way of torturing him. Vampires also cannot attend university, or even legally live alongside humans. They are considered murderers and criminals by most people, and are therefore segregated to nonhuman territory called Bloodboroughs, namely abandoned city slums and shanty towns as I mentioned before. Vampire cannot legally be in human territory (they often disregard this rule though). Every month or two (or something, I have to work this out), certain workers of the Office of Vampire Population Control and Eradication go on "stakeouts" (Yes, I had to use this terrible pun) and kill a few vampires, or their quota, to keep their numbers down. Again, vampires are not considered humans. Werewolves, on the other hand, are now considered fellow human beings, and have been allowed the chance to go to school and form families with human beings. However, since this social development is so recent, they are still widely disliked by many, and are treated rather similarly to African Americans in the late twentieth century. And the entire Leo being her relative thing, I'm a little unsure about that too. I actually developed a family tree from him all the way down to Lena, and I imagined him targeting a very specific line of people, who all shared similar characteristics to his beloved sister, who died during labor. He would actually turn some of them into vampires every once in a while out of loneliness. Between his generation and Lena's generation, there was actually only four people who he really observed. Still, I get what you're saying about it. I shall consider it Jack is also a very odd character, but is complex and honestly my favorite character. He's extremely likable in the beginning, but it is clear that he seems to hate vampires more than most people do. He also does become very involved in his internship, so much that it worries Lena a little. His development into the basic villain of the piece is gradual, because he actually does feel quite guilty about the murder. While he has always held a secret, extreme dislike of all preternatural beings, the moment when he actually (and brutally) takes a human life kind of just takes over him, and he claims the murder was a good thing almost as a way with not dealing with it. If you're wondering, he had a very screwed up life before he moved to Cape Cod and met Lena. Wow, this came out a lot longer than it meant to be...

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:58:12 -0600

No worries :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Illusionary Nothing — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:52:58 -0600

People 'explaining' themselves usually just makes me more confused, but you totally avoided that. I can see from this answer that your plot and characters are very well thought out, and your division between werewolves being considered humans and vampires sub-human is a good one, although I still wonder why vampires are allowed to live in slums or come into the cities at all if they're considered monsters to be killed, this does really clear things up for me. Your explanation of Leo is much better that way, but I still feel a slight tug of disbelief in it (bear in mind all my comments are only my opinion, not that of every reader ever). I do really love the idea of her being like his sister who died in labour though, it seems like good character development and would explain their attachment and his protectiveness more. Maybe he's not related but he becomes interested in her because she reminds him of his sister anyway. Afterall, you don't have to be related to be similar. That's just an alternative though, as I said, it does sound better already. As for Jack, it sounds like you've already thought long and hard on his progress and that you can love the villain of your piece speaks volumes. You totally pass my plot-test. :) And I know how difficult it can be to explain stories that rely on character development and interaction, you've done awesomely to get it across well in just two posts.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:55:56 -0600

No one thinks your plot is as good as you do. Newbie mistake to think that anyone wants to steal yours.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:02:17 -0600

Primitive is often looked down upon as a word--it suggests that the author thinks that one culture of people can be more superior to another because their subsistence level is different. I would challenge YOU to grow sweet potatoes the size of an arm and then tell me how primitive you feel. I also think that using an evolution argument is flimsy from a science POV too. You have to know a bit about evolution to argue "primitive" because I think for the niche that each species fills, even the extinct ones, they did live for a long time and with a good evolution for their area. I mean, can you run as fast as a cheetah? You may able to catch it with snares, but I doubt you can clock the same speeds. You may be able to think about abstract things like art, but I doubt you can hold your breath like a dolphin. Be careful of wording. I doubt you could take a beating like the Neanderthal did. (The Homo sapiens of the time weren't that much smarter either.) This shows lack of research... look up Anthropology. (also to the replier too)

Re: Critiques on plots

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:09:36 -0600

Wu, as in Wuism is Chinese. Makasha and Nappa (haha, the cabbage) strikes me as Japanese. While Kamboolii kinda strikes me as Swahili? Something from that family, though I admit my knowledge of African languages is weak. Could be one of the Indo languages... You probably want to smooth out the naming system, but I have no problem with names like that, as long as they have internal logic to them and the culture fits in some fashion with that logic.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kimberly Dawn — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:11:39 -0600

Seven years ago, Henry was on a bounty mission to hunt down an ex-princess. However, this person also turned into his worst nightmare. Her name was Launye Kaylca Strider, who in addition to being an ex-princess, was also an ex-witch. Upon their first meeting he kinda thought she was attractive especially after she set several men's pants on fire. That was until she called Henry's--well, she called it small--a fact that was broadcast all over the multiverse. Since the plan to kill her failed, the secret organization that regulates magic, WOMA, cursed Launye as a fairy. She had to consume magic water to stay alive otherwise the curse will eat her lifespan. Henry was made to be her guardian as punishment for his failure and was sentenced as Launye's murderer to cover for her supposed demise. Together, they gathered a band of not-so merry men to form Magic Solutions, Inc. on a backwater planet. The company solves magical problems for the right price. Launye, however, consumes all of the company's profits through her expensive habit. For seven years of bickering they haven't had any progress on finding a cure. Things would have continued this way until Isabelle, a television producer showed up on their door step. With her large boobs, dyed-platinum hair, stiletto and sweet talk of blackmail, she induced them into a television contract. Magic is forbidden to anyone who does not belong to WOMA. WOMA rather not have their secrets leaked to the public. They begin their attacks to kill Launye. In addition, the new assignments are much harder than expected, making Launye consume more magic water which makes her addiction worse. Henry tries desperately to control her consumption, but Launye often defies him. After a Giant God Squirrel eats one of their employees, company loyalties fall apart. Time is running out to find Launye a cure and free Henry of his obligation. Concerns: I'm still trying to nail the tone to match the story, which is kinda a fun, dark comedy romp. I'd also like to be able to shorten this for a query format, but the structure of the story doesn't lend itself to a traditional query very well since the direct antagonist is also the other protagonist. Also my head is halfway in the story so points may not be clear, though the book is pretty much finished. (Revising the second chapter for a fourth time. TT) Not sure if this plot too, has a legitimate need of a prologue. I'm heavily debating it since the men that read the story don't seem to pick up on the foreshadowing clues. --;; (This book has a weird gender bias. I'm serious. It splits the audience along gender lines. And I do mean gender rather than sex.)

Re: Critiques on plots

Steampunk avi8or — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:06:27 -0600

This sounds amazing! Great idea, I would definetely read this. Isabelle sounds like a great character. All of your characters are great for that matter. Giant God Squirrel? I won't ask, but I'm sure it's genius. My only concern is this sounds a lot like a Terry Prattchett book. One of my favorite authors, but you may want to make sure Isabelle doesn't turn into Christine form Maskerade for example. When you say 'multiverse', I just have to wonder. Other than that, absolutely fabulous and I'm sure it will be hilarious if that's what you're going for. :D

Re: Critiques on plots

Steampunk avi8or — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:12:12 -0600

This plot is steampunk if you can't tell. :) The Civil War is fast approaching. Beatrix Bower can feel it in her bones. Her theories are confirmed when the newly elected President Lincoln requests her father to build an invention to help the North crush the South once and for all. This modern marvel can actually switch the minds of two beings, organic or mechanical. To naïve Beatrix it sounds like a dream, but when an unassuming yet powerful enemy snatches the new technology, America and the rest of the world is shrouded in a nightmare. The only ones who can stop it are young Beatrix and her ragtag posse. Wren, the local oddball who despises wealth and its effects, is always at the throat of Marie, one of society’s elite. Axel, an obnoxious albino with a crippling fear of the sun, might just be more useful than he seems. Okapi is a simple mechanic with his head in the clouds. When Beatrix’s father is killed, the stakes raise and the mystery intensifies. Tracking an enemy who is constantly switching between bodies can be difficult, especially when he puts his consciousness into the bodies of the people Beatrix loves. Faced with the right choice and the difficult choice, our heroes must follow a faceless villain around the world as he leaves carnage in his path. With new inventions, the spirits of the dead can be brought back, if only for a time, and machines might start thinking for themselves. The eyes are the windows to the consciousness, and there is nothing civil about this war.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kimberly Dawn — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:08:59 -0600

Thanks! Yeah, I've been told that, but my friend (my self-nominated writer's assistant) said that it reads very differently. She said it's likely to be a cult favorite rather than a bestseller. The characters are too childish to be Terry Pratchett and the plot gets kind of black comedy very quickly. (I think that's the Joss Whedon humor sticking its way in.) It leads with the genocide of unicorns... and the characters being more concerned about the loss of money rather than the foul-mouthed unicorn's unfortunate demise via Launye. Science Fiction/Fantasy Adventure Comedy/Parody novel with a dark/noir edge to it. Isabelle is based on years of me practicing writing vapid women. Uniformly all of the women readers have hated her. Daddy's girl, flips back hair while the men don't think she's that bad. A few men said they'd like to meet her. (She mostly acts as a foil for Launye.) The only story I know to split the audience along gender lines evenly.

Re: Critiques on plots

Divine_Dreamer — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 14:38:22 -0600

May I have some critiques and comments on my plot? Thank you! Title: Swiss Chocolates and Rice Hats (subject to change) Plot/Summary: Ever since her father died in a landslide accident four years earlier, Hoang Mai-Ly's family has been struggling to make ends meet in their poor village in the Sa Pa province of north Vietnam. Determined and desperate to help feed her family, Mai decides to grab a once-in-a-lifetime chance and travels abroad with an American news-reporter to Switzerland. She takes up an occupation as a simple dishwasher in a quaint German restaurant, sending meager amounts of money back home. But soon, she is given an opportunity to serve as a house-keeper in the home of one of the richest, well-known families in the area. When Mai meets Hartwin Eichelberger, the prodigious heir to the family business and fortune, she discovers a whole new world full of hope, possibility... and love.

Re: Critiques on plots

Illusionary Nothing — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 02:32:55 -0600

Okay, this is like what comes before a plot. All you've written here is the set-up- the plot really starts when she works for Eichelberger, right? Except, where's the conflict? There doesn't seem to be any. What gets in the way of a relationship with Eichelberger, for example. And what conflicts are there during her journey with the reporter to Switzerland? You need to show what Mai has to overcome, otherwise this is a non-plot. Nothing is at stake here. There is no risk or challenge. I will say that it is an interesting set-up and I feel you've described it well, I just feel that you need to describe the actual plot more.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kamboolii — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:12:45 -0600

Thanks. They're all from specific cultures, so consistency is maintained on that level. Kamboolii's people all have African sounding names. Rokinna Makasha's people have Japanese sounding names. The "Wu" isn't Chinese, I just like the name - it's an organization composed of thousands of races - so there's no real naming convention there, it's just a big mix. I have cultures with European sounding names as well, such as Quiggerly Jaggert's people.

Re: Critiques on plots

Wilson3sd — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:03:07 -0600

Still untitled Part II (Sorry for the tl;dr!) -Bobby McGee is an overweight teenager who develops super speed. Over several months Bobby's physique and demeanor change as he develops and discovers his powers. He continually notices a familiar man and a unique girl in several places too common to be a coincidence. A school shooting spurs Bobby to fully exercise his powers, testing his resolve and testing the limits of his powers. Following the shooting, Bobby meets Mark and Emma who convince him to visit Rosijes University, and consider it for his college choice. -Drew Jacobs is an intelligent, athletic, black quarterback in a white private school outside of Dallas, Texas. After snapping his femur and destroying his knee during a game, Drew faces the prospects of the reality he faces. His scholarship offers evaporate except for one, Rosijes University. Giving in briefly to his anger, Drew discovers he has super-human strength. Sharing this with his best friend and next door neighbor Sean, Drew begins to piece his former life back together. His departure for Rosijes is sealed when Drew defends Sean from a group of his former teammates angered over his temerity in dating a white girl. -Nathan and Natalie Ramires are brother and sister con-men. Their current con involves Nathan, unbeknownst to Natalie, psychically manipulating men into thinking they have slept with Natalie who is posing as a prostitute. One night the con backfires as Nathan is unable to manipulate the event in time, stranding Natalie with a dangerous man. Before she is violated, Nathan ends the threat but makes Natalie forget. While considering the gaps in her memories that coincide with Nathan's plans, Natalie discovers she can move things with her mind. She deduces that the only reason she never manifested her power was due to Nathan acting as a "damper." Natalie’s abilities fully erupt as, in the midst of their last con, the mark, an expat womanizer named Eddie Tuppence, dies. Eddie, unknown to either Nate or Natalie, is a healer and has been the friend and acquaintance of Mark for the last 300 years. Nathan’s presence dampens Eddie’s natural healing ability causing him to sustain a rapid accumulation of the stress of healing over several centuries. Eddie collapses. Freaked out, the two siblings begin to argue until Mark enters, home from work. The brother and sister flee, leaving Mark to tend to Eddie. Eddie dies in Mark’s company, upon which Mark chases the two. As Nathan and Natalie try to escape they use all of the powers at their disposal, barely slowing Mark. This ability to shrug off their attacks reveals Mark as Mercadier who has relocated to the United States. Ripping the top off of their SUV, Mark catches the two and takes them to Rosijes. -Emma Bruce is a punk competition cheerleader. She isn’t very bright and doesn’t understand things quickly, but possesses a deep understanding of people. Her mother was killed in a robbery when she was young and Emma has been raised by her father Zach Bruce, a large, gruff, man. Emma cuts herself because she feels a deep uneasiness that will not dissipate until she releases it. Slowly she understands that she can, and does, act as a sponge for people’s injuries, both physical and mental. Eventually, after an accident at practice while Emma was distracted by her father’s recent cancer diagnosis, Emma finds that she can consciously withdraw these things to a point. At her father’s wishes, Emma continues to cheer and spends a weekend at the state meet, leaving her father at home. When she returns, Emma finds him on the brink of death despite her best efforts before she left. In a show of mercy, Emma helps her father pass away peacefully. Following her father’s funeral, Emma finishes her senior year and graduates. Having written off college, Emma anonymously volunteers throughout Detroit. She feeds the homeless, cares for the sick, and comforts the dying. At one hospital, where they are unaware of what she is doing, Emma is caught by a nurse “helping” a patient move on. The nurse watches Emma work, and they regard each other in silence as Emma leaves. The nurse, a sister of a local convent, confesses her observance of a miracle in her confession. The Abbess, recognizing what the nun has seen, locates Mark who comes to meet Emma. Seeing Emma as Eddie was, Mark reveals himself to her and offers answers to Emma’s uncertainty. Asking her to help him, and to join him at Rosijes, Mark extends a future to Emma. Part III later.

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:03:52 -0600

It sounds good. Very interesting with lots of stories within a story. I hope that wouldn't become confusing when reading the actual novel. I don't see anything that stands out as not flowing or not consistent. It kind of reminds me of X-Men, I don't know if you'd think that was a good or bad thing! I'd certainly be interested in reading more, maybe as a novel swap or just to read it :) Hope this helps :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Wilson3sd — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:33:35 -0600

Yeah, I'm a bit worried about the similarities...but, I still want to get the story out (of my head) at least. Let me get it finished and I'd be happy to give you a look.

Re: Critiques on plots

helltank — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:40:10 -0600

Sometimes,a plot need not be long and complex. Sometimes, simplicity is best. Enjoy. Octagon First, the King That Turned To Evil, is hiding in the mountains somewhere, but is widely presumed to be dead or too old to do anything, well, evil. This perception changes when King Domino, ruler of the Kingdom of Ark, is killed. His pride and joy, Faulkner Castle, is burned to the ground. A messenger with a bloody stump for an arm arrives at Phoenix Castle, where King Salvatore, Richard the Great, resides. He spins a story of a group of machine-like riders with grating voices and dark powers, who stormed the castle(single-handedly, I might add) and torched it. Richard the Great, being Great, makes an alliance with two other kings(King Leon and King Nathaniel) and they each send their sons to investigate the Faulkner Castle incident. There is a simple reason for this. Octagon First had minions under his direct control, known as Dusk Cowls. They are part machine and part man, and have grating voices and can control the shadows. They ride on demon-horses and they are his assassins, elite soldiers and enforcers. Richard's son, Jimmy, having been in actual combat before(he led a group of light infantry to reinforce the soldiers at a distant outpost during a border clash a few years before) becomes the reluctant leader of the trio. They find out that yes, the night riders were Dusk Cowls. The good news is that Octagon First still has a long way to go before he gathers an army of undead large enough to attack the combined force of the kingdoms. The bad news is that the Dusk Cowls are systematically cutting off essential sources of supply. Ark supplied lots of food to the other kingdoms; all its grain is now torched. The next kingdom to go will be the kingdom of Fog, which is widely known as the kingdom that routinely churns out some of the finest blacksmiths in the world. Without Fog, weapons and armor will be severely impacted in the war to follow. Worse still, Fog is the kingdom that Jimmy's father rules...

Re: Critiques on plots

adora1983 — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:37:39 -0600

Yeah sure, justsend me a message or whatever :)

Re: Critiques on plots

CountryGirl13 — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:18:38 -0600

Title: North Setting: 1860 North Carolina Plot: Lina, an eighteen-year-old plantation owner's wife, is unhappily married and miserably pregnant. Her husband is tyrannica whn it comes to treating his slaves; he hired the strictest overseer in Wake County and lets him whip whoever he pleases, whenever he wants. But one day, he goes too far. Mattie and Sarah, sisters, Lina's best friends, are both punished for an unsatisfactory tobacco picking job. Lina is shocked, and once she knows what it's like in the world outside her door, she can't stand by any longer. With the help of Jeb Eastwood and Lina, Sarah, Mattie, and her husband Jacob attempt to escape to Washington, DC. But with two pregnant women running off, guided by a young man in the heat of a Southern summer, will they make it?

Re: Critiques on plots

Contemptus — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:01:00 -0600

CG, I have to say that I like what you've got -- but I have a question (that's probably answered in the actual work quick ernough). Who exactly is Jeb Eastwood? If he's going to be a major character, shouldn't he get his own blurb? It seems like this is going to be a character-driven piece, and I like that. The only problem I could see with that is that it'd get bogged down. But do you think you could elaborate a little bit more about things? It's easier to pick things apart when there's some meat to it, you know? Title: Lines in the Sand. (Working title.) Plot: Keena Fitzpatrick is new to Canada -- just moved here from Ireland to live with an aunt. Her father's in prison and her house burned down, her 13 brothers have scattered across her home country. Bored with life in Saul. St. Marie, Keena runs off and gets picked up by Oz, an artist in his early 20s. They hit it off and she continues to travel with him as he drives across Canada, convinced that his life's mission is to make art in as many different places as possible. After riding with him for a few weeks, she comes across a bloody shirt in his bag. Alarmed, she contronts him about it, only to be told that it's fake, and he'd used it in an art piece. The blood is from a pig, and the sculpture went for a few hundred dollars in Manitoba. Four cities and a few hundred miles later, Keena -- going by Kane now -- realizes that Oz, the guy she's pretty sure she's madly in love with has an unsavory hobby. Sometimes, instead of sculpting clay or stone, he uses a different medium: human corpses, fresh as he can make them. Suddenly, the media coverage in the towns they've been in makes sense -- the strange crime-scenes that looked more like abstract paintings, the mutterings from town to town. And Oz says that she's his muse, his goddess, beautiful and brilliant. With her around, all his art is better, brighter. On the other side of the coin, Clyde Madison, a P.I hired by Kane's distraught Auntie, is tracking the couple as best she can, convinced that Kane is being held against her will. It's a tangled mess of murder and love and grief and worry, set to a backdrop of steadily increasing bouts of mental instability as Kane finds herself lost in the artist she inspires. ((Sorry about the TL:DR. I can PM mre detail is anyone is interested/cares.))

Re: Critiques on plots

Princeshelby — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:07:43 -0600

It sounds really interesting, just not my genre. If this is your synopsis that's going to go on the back of the book, it needs to be really condensed; it took a lot for me to stay interested until the climax. Also, why was she picked up by the Oz person? Maybe this is explained in the book, but it seems a little random in this particular synopsis. Working Title: Blue Plot (just a fair warning: this will most likely be poorly written, I'm just sort of writing it out without paying attention to mechanics): It's 1962, and Ramona (a.k.a. Mo) has fallen head-over-heels with the still fairly new genre of music, rock. However, she plays cello. Classical cello. With a strict teacher who thinks the only "true" music out there is classical. She's already earned two scholarships for her playing, and she's been playing with this teacher for most of her life, but she gives it all up to do what she thinks is right. However, a fifteen year old becoming a famous rock cellist isn't exactly what most would consider "possible", especially considering the small amount of opportunities she has to work with. While Mo is trying to change things in her corner of the universe, the world itself is changing rapidly. After all, in a year like 1962, anything can happen.

Re: Critiques on plots

Golightly — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:09:46 -0600

Well, this is my first post here, and I've been reading through this thread to get the hang of it, but it seems that some people are giving rather long, in-depth synopses, while others are only giving a brief overview. I think I'll stick to the (very) brief overview: It's 1918, and in New York, Thomas Kohler finds himself responsible for two children during the flu epidemic. Their mother has died. Eventually, he finds that one of the children, the little girl named Justine, might posses an ability to heal those around her. His goal was to try to track down and return them to their father, until he discovers that the father, who's a doctor, wants to use the girl for his own selfish gain, and is actually in the process of pursuing them. First impressions?

Re: Critiques on plots

PotatoPasta — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 16:31:35 -0600

Plot: After finishing her first few years of college in her hometown in Texas, Stone decides to move back to Philadelphia and take the rest of her courses there, get a place to live, and even a job. While strolling the city, she comes across a Help Wanted sign at one of the cafes she used to go to as a high school student. As she enters the cafe, she is met with nostalgia. While walking to the manager's room, she notices a familiar face on the way. It was Robert, one of Stone's rivals in high school and a regular customer at the bakery. She doesn't recognize him at first, but he recognizes her right away and hugs the life out of her. Robert dropped out of college a long time ago and comes to the cafe to get away from his nagging parents. While Stone's friends have moved on, most of Robert's friends have gone through the same fate. Everyone in the town goes to the cafe for a specific reason and the waitresses are basically therapists, asking about the customer's problems and having a chat with them, becoming familiar with the person they're serving. Stone becomes Robert's server after a while and they catch up with each other and soon realize that they're falling head over heels for each other.

Re: Critiques on plots

jordan.williams42 — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 14:15:38 -0600

Okay, this seems to be a romance, although that's not clear until the very last line, hehe. But, I'm not seeing any conflict here. Robert comes to the cafe beacuse he has a problem right? So what is that problem? Has he done or is he planning to do something drastic to get some much needed money? Is he desperate for the attentions of another young lady, there's nothing like a rival love interest to stir up some conflict. I think one of them should fall for the other first and should try to woo them. And Stone (unusual name, that one) went to college, what did she study, did she finish her course? What does she want to do with that and her life now? And they were rivals at school, hopefully this is addressed because it is quite an interesting theme. So yeah, the makings of something good here just make sure there's some conflict. Then This is all just my opinion and I'm sorry if it offends you or something, I don't mean it in a mean way. Hope that helps

Re: Critiques on plots

Aranel du Lac — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 16:14:48 -0600

I really would appreciate some feedback on this premise/plot , especially since this is the first time I've attempted writing something so...futuristic :) The plot: In a society where every citizen is responsible for their fair-government-assigned-share of the country's debt, Elena Hedera is a Dependent. That is a slave. Her Independent Madam keeps her as a companion, and has been the only constant figure in her life since her parents sold her in order to pay their own debts. Elena's work is light, compared to those who end up in the Factories of the city. Yet, everyone is acutely aware of their balance - it's updated daily and sent to them, like a bank statement - and Elena doesn't believe that she will ever be able to pay hers off. Life is pointless. That is, until Madam's son, Mathias, returns from the government Academy, where he has been trained as one of the next leaders of their society, along with his best friend Brennan. Despite her resentment of the government, Elena is drawn to Mathias. He is intelligent and, contrary to expectations, interested in her past and her opinions. Reluctant to allow anyone close to her, Elena struggles to keep him from getting too close, even as her curiosity grows. The relationship is tense, volatile emotions kept under control, and Elena is anxious for the enigmatic Mathias to leave and take his place in the government's service. Yet, her focus is shifted when Brennan - observant but not broody - comes to her in the middle of the night to tell her something about her past. He is arrested, in the middle of his revelation, for the possession of Resistance propaganda. Instead of sending Brennan to the island prison as expected, Mathias keeps him in the house, hoping to re-indoctrinate his friend, and save him. Determined not to believe, yet unable to resist, Elena goes to Brennan to hear what he has to say. It's there, in the Victorian chamber, that her true identity is revealed to her, and the real test of her character begins as she is challenged to defy her fear. * I would like to say that this does not involve magic, so Elena doesn't end up being an oracle or angel or wizardess, or anything of the sort. Though magic is all well and good, I want the struggle to be very human. Can I get some feedback on whether this is worth the read and well, the write???

Re: Critiques on plots

Golightly — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:03:25 -0600

Ok, I'm such a noob at this that I think I posted this the wrong way earlier in the thread, giving me no replies. I hope no one minds that I repost it here at the end: Well, this is my first post here, and I've been reading through this thread to get the hang of it, but it seems that some people are giving rather long, in-depth synopses, while others are only giving a brief overview. I think I'll stick to the (very) brief overview: It's 1918, and in New York, Thomas Kohler finds himself responsible for two children during the flu epidemic. Their mother has died. Eventually, he finds that one of the children, the little girl named Justine, might posses an ability to heal those around her. His goal was to try to track down and return them to their father, until he discovers that the father, who's a doctor, wants to use the girl for his own selfish gain, and is actually in the process of pursuing them. First impressions?

Re: Critiques on plots

Transcendent — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 20:30:04 -0600

Title: Bloodlines Plot: Balthazar has been searching for the scion of the Bloodline: an ancient and magically powerful family that he swore to protect. Betrayed and separated from them, he's spent the past thousand years searching with only the heirloom ring to guide him... And in the Little Apple, Manhattan, Kansas, he may have found the scion. Elsa Williams, eight years old and brimming with untapped magical potential, stumbles into a dusty store, chasing after her sister's homework. There, for a mere four minutes, she finds her destiny in the form in a raggedy man. And in four minutes, everything comes crashing down... Their meeting, and the events that follow in that meager span of time, set off an event of cataclysmic proportions. A dark sorcerer called Servaas is searching for that ancient bloodline as well, and in the desperate scuffle between he and Balthazar, a magic artifact shatters, and a hole in the veil of time and magic is ripped into existence. The world crumbles into chaos, and a decade later, the sorcerers appear again, having been thrown through time by the explosion of magical energy. Now, Balthazar and Elsa must repair the veil, and stop those who would use the chaos for their own purposes.

Re: Critiques on plots

Aranel du Lac — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:56:43 -0600

Q. First impression? A. Interesting. Like you said, this is brief. Yet, it is intriguing. There would be a lot to work with given that Justine has supernatural powers, and then the whole range of family dynamics present - greiving children, a selfish father, a guardian caught in the middle. I wonder how Thomas becomes responsible for them, and what he will do to protect them once he realizes the father's intentions - what exactly are the father's intentions??? Again, you have a lot to work with. I would just be wary of making the children either too innocent or too worldly...though, their emotional difficulties may make them easier to write, strangely enough. Overall, your idea seems strong. I don't see any flaws...though, personally, I would hope for a little romance for Thomas...just saying :) Hope that helps! Keep up the great work! I definitely am interested in reading more.

Re: Critiques on plots

Princeshelby — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 07:02:25 -0600

I was skipped. And I've been waiting a week and a half...

Re: Critiques on plots

Aranel du Lac — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:20:12 -0600

I hate waiting grr! Thus, sympathizing.... First of all, it wasn't poorly written a-tall! Actually, I'm intrigued. At first glance, this could seem predictable, however, I am a firm believer in the writer's ability to breathe new life into a tried and true plot. So, I just want to know more. You alluded to the year being 1962, and, I admit, I googled it, but didn't find anything that linked up immediately, which leaves me wondering; What you are working on there? You may want to hint more openly about it on your back cover to wet your reader's appetite ;) The only other suggestion I might make is that you 'age' your protagonist. Fifteen year olds are hard to read...except by fifteen year olds - at least for me and I was fifteen only...(counts fingers)...six years ago, so, it's not cuz I'm quote, unquote, old. Also, it probably would be more practical if she was eighteen. Having scholarships already, at fifteen, is an exceptional circumstance...at least, in my corner of the world. Though I'm sure there are talented people who earn them at that age, usually, they are also graduating at that age. Anyway, it would lend a bit of dramatic flair to her sudden change for her to be older. Which, her name Ramona or 'Mo' tends to suggest she already is. Overall, it seems like a great story! One about taking risks and following your heart. Just don't forget to do the same as you write it :)

Re: Critiques on plots

AnotherQuill — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 11:59:18 -0600

I'm new here and I hope I'm doing this right, as this is the first time I've replied using the little "reply" button on the bottom of someone's post. If this does somehow end up in the wrong spot (sorry), this is supposed to be a reply to Aranel du Lac's plot post. I don't think I have any real critique for your plot. I just wanted to say that it sounds really good, like something I'd buy in a heartbeat if I came across it in a bookstore (well, after skimming the first few pages). It did hit me as a little bit odd that the police would just happen to come in and arrest Brennan right when he's in the middle of telling Elena about her past, but I'm sure that seems fitting once you're actually reading the story. Does she get in any trouble because the police know or worry that he might have been talking to her about the Resistance? I also wonder what Elena's real identity is, and why she doesn't know about it (especially since she was with her parents until they sold her). Those are really the only things I can think of to say. Really, it sounds great! It might also be worth mentioning that I never would have thought she might be something magical based off of the plot so far. I was thinking she might be a descendant of the person who created the society, or related to someone important who resisted the society, or something more along those lines than "she might be magical". In other words, I don't think most people who read this genre would be hoping for magic and be disappointed if it isn't there (if you were worried about that). I hope this helps!

Re: Critiques on plots

Golightly — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 23:34:01 -0600

Thank you soooo much! Definitely good advice. I've been working on this MS for quite a long time.... about 3 years off and on, and about 50k words in. It needs a LOT of work. I've had a dear friend read it for me, and one piece of her feedback was that she feels it's going to be a very long novel. There's just so much going on. Well, we'll see what happens. Thank you again! I will probably start posting more of it for critique on different threads soon!

Re: Critiques on plots

Kookaburra17 — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:37:22 -0600

(I'm mostly afraid that this sounds like your typical, cliche, 'whoops here's a kid' story...) 20 years ago, Jack Aldern ran a small wolf sanctuary. 10 years ago it went under. For ten years, Jack has lived hidden away in the woods at the end of an overgrown driveway with his only remaining wolf (Alpha, more like a dog, really), and that's just how he likes it. The human world is too noisy, too chaotic. When Alpha accidentally gets loose, Jack naturally goes out to find him. What he finds isn't quite what he was after. Crescent is alone and half-dead on the side of the road when Jack first meets her. She's also five years old, totally alone...and part wolf.

Re: Critiques on plots

Toxicjinx — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 20:16:36 -0600

Title: Seven Sided Die Plot: Since Eden's fall there have been seven Sins and seven Virtues, but when mankind's livelihood is crumbling and it seems that the end is near, an 8th entity is released, Justice, she has all the potential to save mankind. Once the Sins catch wind of the news however, they make it their key mission to tempt the new virtue and send her spiraling downward to the point of a transformation into corruption. Her internal conflict as time ticks, she has to choose weather to help the Virtues or Sins, and fast. Concerns: Iuno, I'm just afraid that the concept isn't all that great, that it's been done before and my take on it isn't all that different than the other times it's been done. As well as the appeal, I don't know WHAT audience I'm hitting, like I see some YA, some New Age, some Fantasy, and it's all jumbled.

Re: Critiques on plots

Harlow — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 21:32:27 -0600

I actually like the idea of adding Justice as the impartial 8th that can be molded to be good or evil. It brings something new, and it hits on a reality - Justice can either be for good or for evil and is grey.

Re: Critiques on plots

Harlow — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 21:56:07 -0600

TITLE: The Road to Hell PLOT: Everett Belvidere is an established hitman in a city where lives can be snuffed out by the highest bidder. His path of violence and mayhem leads him to a job where his hit is Ingrid, a beautiful young songstress with a past shrouded in mystery. He finds her in a dark apartment, where she gets the drop on him. Through rather rough negotiations with Everett, Ingrid manages to turn the tables. Now that the ball is in her court, she turns the tables on the man that has wronged her. The pair go travel down a road of murder, romance and corruption, as the two run into dishonest senators, crooked cops, and are forced to come to terms with each of their own seedy pasts.

Re: Critiques on plots

CatOfManyWhiskers — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 09:42:08 -0500

(I know this might seem like a huge rip-off of Uglies, but I really like it and only realized it seemed that way AFTER I came up with it. Please no comments about that - I know.) Title: (To Be Determined) Plot: America has long since been allowed to grow back and through amazing work in science certain endangered and even extinct species have been brought back (don't worry, no dinosaurs just some birds and tigers). However, since the US is now a jungle with lots of dangerous animals running through it, the cities have been abandoned for two enormous complexes, one on the East coast, one on the West. These are highly technical cities that have evolved to the point where plant and animal materials are not needed - computers synthesize everything. While these cities might seem peaceful, strict governmental policies keep the people within the boundaries. The 'higher-ups' wear masks of happiness and protection, while still threatening to kill any who step outside the boundaries. Similarly, any 'Natural World' or NW materials such as plant matter or animals is confiscated and the bearer is severely punished. There is no communication between the two cities - ever. Amelia Water is your average 17-year-old girl. She's ready to leave home for a higher learning opportunity as an electronic journalist in the West City and is excited. Finally, a bit of freedom! But one day she discovers the reason that the security measures on her precinct of the city, closest to the border, have been lax as of late. A rebel, by the name of 'Joseph,' has been causing havoc, destroying plots and places here and there and always leaves the imprint of an oak leaf among the wreckage. Amelia overhears two men from the police force arguing about what they should do about him, and after avoiding being caught she begins to investigate. Soon she finds tons of information on Joseph, a long-standing enemy of the City. His name was Mud with the government and rightly so - it appeared he also had a gang within the city that followed him, meaning more wide-spread damage and less of an opportunity to catch him. Eventually, Amelia tracks down the names of a couple gang members who had been captured. After visiting them in their cells she's surprised to find they're not much older than her, some even younger. Returning home after a depressing visit, she's caught by another gang member, Dave, and they begin to talk. After finding out about Joseph's mission - to make people understand that the Great Wild as it was called wasn't something to be afraid of but joined. Amelia, excited, decides to send a message to him asking for more information. Months pass and Amelia receives the return letter with excitement. Soon she and Joseph have struck up a correspondence, with Dave as their messenger boy. But Dave is nearly caught and his letter captured by a police force that has swollen its ranks times five. Soon the letter is traced back to Amelia and she is threatened horribly. Her life is put on the line - but she reacts defiantly and soon has not only Dave but more of the gang members sending letters to Joseph, explaining that she needs to get out of the city. When she finally does receive a response, it's caught again and this time the government threatens her family and tells her to take them to the place she was supposed to meet Joseph at. When they arrive they are ambushed and knocked out (not killed). Amelia is whisked away into the forest and meets Joseph. Soon they are both fighting not only to destroy the government's hold, but also to free the people and make them see the truth. -end- I was wondering if this would make a good trilogy/series. I just realized it would. XD Please, I would love any feedback because I'm new to sci-fi stuff and yet I'm extremely excited about this idea. Does it seem like something you'd read? Oh, and any suggestions for titles would be awesome. I have another but only thought of it a while back so basically it's a crappy plot, but here's my thoughts: Title: Yeah right like I'd know that right now. Plot: There of course were the fairy princesses - Belle, Aurora, Jasmine, Ariel and loads of others - and they had kids. Those children inherited some of their mothers' powers, as did their children and their children - all the way up to the 21st century. Descendants of not just them, but of all the fairytales ever told have lived among us for decades and we never even noticed it. MMC (can't think of a name for the life of me) is a descendant of Snow White. But he has no clue. All he knows is that apples keep falling around him and they always seem to be... Evil? Well, evil was a strong word, but seriously whenever someone ate one of them they either fell down choking right there or else got this dreamy look and ended up doing some very odd things for the rest of the day. He has no idea what to do and lately has taken to stopping people eating any apples around him. The funny thing is, he's allergic to apples according to his parents and he has never eaten any since he was what? Three? But then he finds out (through some mysterious circumstance I can't think of) that he is descendant of Snow White. HOW LAME IS THAT!? No, it's not Prince Charming he's got powers from, but a chick who sings with short fat guys, eats and apples and almost kicks the bucket. Yeah, that's terrific. But then he learns that Snow White wasn't the fru-fru girly people thought she was, and neither was any of the other stories. All of them had some power specific to them, either before their 'peak' or after. After biting the apple Snow White had control of them, all apples, which might not sounds great but it meant that she could either poison someone or save their life, or control them. But descendants couldn't eat the apple themselves, because they wouldn't be as lucky as their great-times-a-thousand grandma - they'd die then and there. No kiss. No saving. Soon MMC finds others descendant of the FTs as he calls them. A girl with excellent thieving skills descended from Aladdin and Jasmine, a boy who talks to animals who's ancestor was Mowgli, all of them begin to band together and form a friendship, finding more and more like themselves. But one girl isn't merciful or kind. She had known of her power and had been taking others' powers for years now because of he special skill, something she got from dear granny Aurora. Soon the FT kids are fighting to save themselves and the city in a twisted fairytale of their own. Who would be the princess, and who the brave knight? Constructive criticism and ideas for titles again welcome. Thanks for reading this far. XP

Re: Critiques on plots

Kookyness — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:37:50 -0500

I like your plot, it has intrigued me greatly and i would love to read it! would be a definite buy for me :D and as for the seconds plot i do not think it is crappy at all! i think it is even more intriguing than the first one i love the twist you have added to common fairy tails and the apples thing is very comical and i enjoyed picturing it in my head :) another buy off the shelves for me :) her is my one, also i would like to know if anyone finds it cliche at all! and any possible ways to make it better would be appreciated : My story takes place near the end of a war where the FMC and her Twin brother are one the 'bad' side as you could call it, but mainly to overthrow the magical communities 'government' as he believes that protecting the humans is wrong and all magical creatures should have rule over the planet, including the horrible creatures that seep through from other dimensions. These are the creatures that the magical world fights to protect everyone from. The FMC is completing a mission which is to fight and subdue an important person from the other side and bring him back for information gathering. She complete this and returns to overhear her brother speaking about utilizing her powers as his own to remove her from the equation and give himself more overall power. This is because her power will eventually kill her and there is nothing that can prevent it, so her brother wants to steal her magical life energy and implant it into a piece of Armour or some such that can be used without causing side effects to the user. After she hears this she releases the man she captured and under the emotional circumstances uses the full extent of her powers to destroy the building that her brother and others resided in. This essentially allows the other side to win. The FMC in inherited he fathers magic and is an Auramancer, whereas her brother inherited this mothers ability to control water. Her magic is extremely powerful and is almost unbeatable in combat situations, but it has extreme side effects and it will eventually kill her, it is just a matter of time. But her life can be extended slightly by limiting the usage of her powers. This is because her body is slowly being destroyed from the immense amount of power being stored in it. She takes drugs that slow the side effects of the magic and prolong her life slgihty, but as the story progresses i want the drugs to slowly become ineffective and the side effects become more apparent and severe towards her body. It skips 5 years to find her in a small apartment having a dream about the event that was just described. After this, she is in a small cafe when three people (one is a vamp MC, one can teleport FC,and the other is a mage who can manipulate air particles MC) enter who are part of the government who were responsible for her parents death. She leaves to prevent herself doing something stupid but as she does so, there is a guy who attacks her and he uses demons to do so, so she uses her power to kill him and the creatures. But she shortly collapses and the three people rescue he and bring her back. She becomes friends with them and learns the truth about her parents blah blah. They are investigating a group of people who are summoning demons and they are trying to find out why, and how they are doing so. There have also been many mages and other magical folk go missing lately (such as vamps and shapshifters), she joins with them and becomes close firneds with the three. But her drugs begin to be less effective and they realise she is dying and they try to figure out why. While doing so, the guy from he begging who she captures goes to their branch to inform them of information regarding the demon summoners. he recognizes her and his guards arrest her on the spot and incapacitate her, She goes to court for her crimes and gets put in prison awaiting a trial. But her twin brother breaks into the prison and takes her to use. He is actually the one behind the people who summon demons as he finds them useful for amassing an army. But to do so, he needs her power as she is strong enough to control the demons that come through, but she will die doing it and she doesn't want to be on his side anymore. At this point i will either have her die or nearly die after he removes the magic to control the demons and hundreds of demons start leaking through. Or before he can take her power, the good guys and the government comes and a battle ensues, but the portal is already large enough for the demons to break through and they start leaking out attacking everyone. her brother tries to fight them off him, but he is killed as are many others. She reunites with the three guys, and it is explained that the portal is too large to close and no one is strong enough to do so. If this happens i want it to end by her either sealing it and dying or she jumps through the portal to seal it. (to be presumed dead). not sure if i will have her die, but it just seems to fit story since she was doomed from the begging.

Re: Critiques on plots

Kookyness — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:46:27 -0500

oh hoe about for the first novel it could be called something like Imperfect Paradise, or maybe False Eden (that has been in my head a while), because to me there are two worlds of paradise, the cities that turn out to be not so nice and its the Wilderness that is the true paradise or eden, that everyone believes to be a horrible place. Joseph could almost be the Adam to this Eden and be the one that will spread the truth of the world. I dunno just felt like the two should be slung together xD As for the second one maybe something like erm maybe a play on fairy tail's such as simply it could be called: Legacy as it relates to their abilities that have been passed down for generations and it almost describes the story in one go :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Banespawn — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 07:46:54 -0500

Janis Joplin fan?

Re: Critiques on plots

Gray Nomad — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 06:03:46 -0500

Princeshelby. I like your plot concept. for Blue. I liked everything I read and if that was the back cover blurb would definitely consider reading the novel. My reasons. I am so sick of vampires wolves and people with names I've never heard before especially when there are multiple made up names from made up places all rammed at the reader in the first paragraph, I just say, 'amateur,' and move in when that happens and you can see there is magic in the real life with real people and their aspirations. These can be the most compelling stories those stories you can believe for a moment while reading that they could be true. I already like Ramona (a.k.a. Mo) as unlike the over done in fiction type Bella she understands it is about having a life not just having a boyfriend. A girl with 'guts.' and ambition, good on her. I would want to see her achieve her dreams and be there with her though her struggles. Your work would be marketable to YA and also to the gray generation who vividly remember 1962 ( I was 16 then ) and it would also appeal to the lit Fic, coming of age book readers so you have a wide potential audience. I imagine you would have also done some good research on the era, the age group interests and the music and roughly presented or not, from your plot synopsis I do believe you can write. Heck my forum posts are rough but I can write so don'tjudge me on them either ;-) :-) Have fun with it and do go ahead with it. it is a great concept.

Re: Critiques on plots

Gray Nomad — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 06:06:44 -0500

I just replied. I liked your plot. In fact I love your plot concept it has enormous potential and appeal to a wide reader base.

Re: Critiques on plots

PotatoPasta — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 11:55:32 -0500

Title: N/A (I haven't exactly thought of one yet, but I'm creating one.) Stone Edgerton is a dedicated and hardworking sophomore and honour student at St. Joseph Catholic Academy. She doesn't have many friends in this school, since she puts most of her friends aside to do her work. As a result, most of the students in the school find her to be a cold-hearted girl with no sympathy toward others. However, there is a student who thinks differently. Robert Youngsley, another sophomore at St. Joseph Academy, bothers Stone constantly and has been doing so ever since seventh grade, when the girl first started going to the school. While Stone finds Robert to be unbearably annoying and persistent, Robert feels differently, as he wishes he could be friends with the girl instead of arguing all the time. Soon, he starts to believe that Stone really is a cold-hearted person, that is, until he finds out that there's more underneath her "cold" demeanor.

Re: Critiques on plots

next.companion — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 20:40:12 -0500

While your story is wonderful, a couple of thoughts from a historical perspective. I worked as a docent at a plantation museum in North Carolina, so this is near and dear to my heart. :) First off, very few plantation owners would have let their overseers whip anyone at any time. Unfortunately, slaves truly were valuable property, and just like you would not go out and beat your car, because you need it to take you to work, masters wouldn't allow their slaves to be beaten so frequently or so severely that they couldn't do their work, and do it well. So the kind of all-out torturous whippings that are popular in many books and films are exaggerated, from a historical perspective. THAT BEING SAID, there were sadistic overseers, and you could easily portray that without having him whip slaves to excess. Secondly, the wife of a plantation owner would not be best friends with slaves, especially tobacco pickers. Ever, ever, ever. It is unfortunate, but very true. There were strict class boundaries. However, if you wanted Lina to be dependent, and somewhat friendly with a household slave, that would have been possible, especially if she was young/lonely/pregnant. Through this slave, she could see the world outside her door. This story could be fantastic as long as the social balance was understood. For a wonderful story close to your time period that shows an upper-class young woman learn about a world outside her own social circle (and take it on beautifully), read Cold Mountain. It is an intense but honest look at Civil-War era North Carolina, and is wonderfully inspiring from a writer's perspective, too. Good luck!

Re: Critiques on plots

AsbesdosMoth — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 10:01:15 -0500

Title: None yet, any suggestions are appreciated. In the 457th year of their campaign, the empire of the Phagan-Tao continue their relentless war to conquer the gods and to sit humanity on the seat of heaven; the empire has spread across the world, crushing all resistance, all religions, and instating their ruthless standards of moral purity and order in preparation for the new rule of man. The gods run in fear, dying by the sword or becoming slaves to powerful mages that fuel the empire's strength. Twenty years ago, the Phagans dared to turn their war to the nation of Tzemadra, a land where dark forces lurk beneath the desert sands and mad gods roam the jungle. As the years have passed, as the empire has ravaged the land and eradicated its people, the Phagan-Tao has seen greater and greater strife; twisted monsters emerge from seemingly nowhere, celestial omens set the sky alight, and cults of blood-worshippers strike from the desert, each more brutal than the last, eating human flesh and enslaving the innocent into their clans, turning them into drug-crazed cannibals. And in the lastest torment to befall the conquerers, a strange new disease spreads throughout the slums of Cet, the newly conquered Tzemadran city; in their war for supremacy, the Phagan-Tao have finally come face to face with their true enemy: the natural order of the universe, and it is a fight they will not back away from. In their desperation, the Phagan-Tao send their most reliable asset, the god-hunters, enforcers of moral purity, holy inquisitors and slayers of deities. One of these god-hunters, Byzaht, brutal master of inquisition and interrogation, the son of a land long since destroyed by the Phagan-Tao begins his investigation into the plague that spreads through the city of Cet, an investigation that will take him to the highest rungs of power, where he will confront insane gods and the corruption that infests the empire he has only love for. He will see the hypocracy in the empire, and declare himself capable of purifying everyone, destroying those he has sworn loyalty to in order to save the society that killed his people. Elsewhere, a barbarian turned crusader from the far side of the world comes to Tzemadra on a holy mission from the last remnants of heaven: to do battle with every trouble that plagues the land, whether human, holy or wholly unnatural. With his only companion, the world's greatest liar, he journeys across the desert to put right the natural order and to undo the crimes of the Phagan-Tao, and redeem all humanity. Both of these warriors, and the struggles of those around them will converge at the epicentre of chaos, at the heart of the turmoil that spreads like a cancer, the dreaded Locust Head, the cosmic insect, the very mind of base desire and ruthless instinct, the id incarnate. The Locust Head will not destroy or conquer the world, it will make the universe as itself - without soul or love, all hope will be drained. The world will be a helpless animal, slowly dying in the hot sun as insects pick at its flesh. That is, unless someone can turn back the tide and bring order back to a universe on the edge of collapse.

Re: Critiques on plots

silverdream — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 20:22:19 -0500

This sounds like a lot of fun! Adventurous, epic, but with an undercurrent of sardonic not-quite-sillyness that I love. I like the set-up, and I adore the names (Octagon First actually made my mind immediately jump to Optimus Prime, so that gave me a giggle). There's really not much else for me to say, since all you really covered *was* the set-up - it sounds like my cup of tea. I'm interested in getting to know what these characters are like. From what you've said so far, it sounds like a very creative, fun fantasy adventure, and I'd be very interested in reading it if I saw it on a shelf one day!

Re: Critiques on plots

silverdream — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 22:30:06 -0500

... Wow. This sounds like one epic doorstopper of a novel. First of all, I love the premise. The idea of humanity physically asserting itself as the universe's ultimate race is brilliant, and having the empire be in a state of decay brings in automatically high stakes that are bound to keep things interesting. You've clearly put a lot of thought into the plot and the world, and that on its own is captivating - the characters' journeys also sound very interesting and though I kinda wish we knew a little bit more about who they are (what's the name of the crusader, for example), I think both of them will make fascinating protagonists. I also wish you had elaborated a bit on the Locust Head, but I guess that's something I'd have to read the book to find out more about :) Based on this summary, I would totally do it, too!

Re: Critiques on plots

silverdream — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 23:29:00 -0500

Well, here's mine - it's a revised version of my 2011 NaNo, which underwent a major makeover immediately after November ended :) Title: Angels Plot: 400 years have passed since the demon hoardes forced humanity into their walled cities, factories, and farms. These isolated pockets are connected by protected highways and train-tracks that span the land and keep the people safe from the horrors of the wild forest that has overtaken most of the world. Cathaget City, one of the largest metropolises still standing, is the birthplace of The Angels' Keep, where orphan children are genetically altered and trained to become magic-weilding, demon-killing machines nicknamed "angels". A government-funded but clandestine organization, The Angels' Keep is run by the cool and calculating Ilsa Vesper, a sophisticated ex-socialite with a dirty little secret. The secret?--her granddaughter, Lucy, an illegitimately-concieved "angel"-gone-wrong whose lack of self-control and incredible power is the reason she's been locked up in a spacious but confining apartment suite all her life... at least, that's what she's been told. Also working in The Keep is librarian Ewan Wallace, a demon shapeshifter who has lived peacefully amongst humans for most of his 749-year life. All that changes, however, when he is blackmailed and recruited by an underground army of shapeshifters like him plotting a hostile takeover of the City. The self-serving Ewan is more than happy to back what he sees as the winning side (or at least keep them from blowing his cover), but his already-precarious position is quickly worsened when he makes the mistake of falling in love with Ilsa Vesper's assistant, Brenda Reed. When the shapeshifters attack City Hall and eat the Governor's secretary, their message is heard loud and clear--we're here, we're dangerous, and we mean business. The Angels' Keep is kicked into high gear as their warriors (most of them still younger than twenty) are amassed and, much to the horror of the largely untrained Lucy, prepared for war. Ewan's relationship with Brenda is pushed to breaking point as he himself is forced to choose between his loyalty to his own kind and protecting the woman he loves. And if the shapeshifters' warlord, Rayner Garton, is to be believed, Cathaget City might just wind up in flames.

Re: Critiques on plots

Iasila — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 23:32:08 -0500

This is more like a flyleaf blurb than a plot summary. What happens next?

Re: Critiques on plots

CatOfManyWhiskers — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 16:09:31 -0500

Oh wow I love the name False Eden! :D Thanks for the review and suggestions.

Re: Critiques on plots

PotatoPasta — Thu, 03 May 2012 09:25:53 -0500

Robert soon finds out that Stone is being abused by her parents, both physically and emotionally. Deeply concerned, he offers to help her with this situation. Stone lets Robert help her and after a few weeks, the two become friends. After a few months of actually getting to know her, Robert notices that his feelings for Stone are more than just friendly. He knows he’s developed feelings for her, but he doesn’t believe he’s good enough for someone like her. Soon, he gains the courage to confess to her at school, but he finds out that Stone is not at the school. This is the first time Stone has been absent, so Robert goes to see her after school. He finds out it’s just a cold and that she’ll be fine. Worried about her well-being, Robert decides not to confess and to wait the next day. Unfortunately, Stone doesn’t come to school the next day either, or the day after that, or after that. Extremely concerned, Robert decides to drop by Stone’s house, only to find out that she has been diagnosed with anemia, and that she’ll be in and out of the hospital rather often. He visits her often and soon, she is let out of the hospital for a few days before having to go back. Before the day she has to go back to the hospital, Robert suggests that the two skip school during lunch. Stone refuses, but is dragged along anyway. The two have the best time of their lives and continue playing out in the snow. This happiness is suddenly put on hold, when the two teenagers arrive to their homes and find out that their parents know they skipped school. Stone’s and Robert’s parents argue and come to a conclusion that Robert is a troublemaker and, as a result, isn’t allowed to visit Stone in the hospital. Disheartened, the two say their final goodbyes and embrace as Stone is driven back to the hospital. Not willing to give up, Robert sends letters to Stone while she’s in the hospital. The two communicate this way for about two months before Stone is let out of the hospital temporarily once again. Robert sneaks to Stone’s house and beckons her to come outside to play in the snow. Hesitant, Stone smiles and joins him outside in the park to continue making snowmen. While doing this, Robert prepares to confess, when suddenly, Stone coughing up blood and passes out. Overwhelmed with anxiety, Robert has to make a choice to either take Stone back to her house or back to the hospital. Either way, he knows he’d get in trouble, but he also needs to get Stone to safety. (I would say more, but I don’t want to spoil any more than what I already have…)

Re: Critiques on plots

Jack Fisher — Thu, 03 May 2012 19:25:48 -0500

[quote=Divine_Dreamer].. Hoang Mai-Ly ... takes up an occupation as a simple dishwasher in a quaint German restaurant, sending meager amounts of money back home. But soon, she is given an opportunity to serve as a house-keeper in the home of one of the richest, well-known families in the area. ... [/quote] a non-European /non-German would have a very hard time getting a work permit for that kind of unskilled job, if its even possible. maybe you could work that problem into your plot.

Re: Critiques on plots

maggiep — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:34:25 -0500

Ive been working on my plot for a while and I would like feedback. This is the first fantasy story Ive written. It is also the first in Im not sure how many books series. At least one sequel. Anywho.... Working Title-Lorena's Story(I am so not creative with working titles) At the beginning of the world there were 2 types of people created-Color Changers and Violet Eyes. Color changers have the ability to change eye color to fit their mood(think mood rings). They have no control over this, so thus they can never hide their emotions. Violet Eyes have only one eye color(obviously violet), they never change. They also have the ability to never get sick. They can get injured but not sick. If a Color Changer and Violet Eyed have a child the child can be born with one or both abilities. Sometime early in history a Color Changer became jealous of the Violet Eyes. Jealous that they never get sick and can hide their emotions. Lie if they want to and get away with it. The Color Changer causes a rift between the two peoples and fights break out, eventually resulting in a war. The Violet Eyes are pushed south where they surrender and live among themselves. Many years later a young woman, a Violet Eye, becomes restless. She wants to know why her people always stay in the southlands. She decides to cross the border and see what is being "hidden" from her. She discovers Color Changers, people she has heard about in nightmare tales. She is caught by the king's men and brought to him. This is first time the king has seen a Violet Eyed person. His son falls in love with her and they secretly wed, hoping to bring peace between the peoples. The king becomes ill and wishes to see his son. He isnt mad. He also wants peace. His stepson promises to get the son. However, in reality the stepson is jealous of the prince and wants him gone so he can be next in line. The king dies before seeing his son again. Stepson announces himself new king, much to stepsister's dismay, and leads an army to attack his stepbrother's village, planning to kill him so he can take the throne. The kingdom becomes divided, some chosing the stepson as king, some chosing the king's birth daughter as queen. A war results. Stepson kills the rightful prince and discovers the wife is pregnant. She escapes and has a baby(Lorena). She leaves her with a farm couple and goes into hiding. Stepson's plan now is to find the child to see if it has the Violet Eyes and ability to stay healthy. if so, plans to name the child his successor to outlive his stepsister and take over the entire land. 20 years later, where book 1 actually starts, Lorena has no idea of her history. She discovers that someone is after her and she goes on the run with her friend and some Wanderers(aka, homeless people who live in the woods). At the end of book 1 she will discover the evil plot her step-uncle has planned, and about her birth parents. She will be kidnapped but rescued. The next story will cover Lorena on the search for her birth mom(and whatever else I think of, or the characters throw at me).

Re: Critiques on plots

JamesIsHereBro — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:23:02 -0500

Well.. Just so you know, I have absolutely no experience with novels, except from reading them. I thought of all of this last night, so anything is interchangable. I could turn this into a Doctor Who Fanfic if I wanted to. "The Undertaker A man, name and origin unknown, travels around, bringing death in his wake. There are many theories of his existence, but none are confirmed. He has a legendary status around the world, as he’s known for his signature trench coat and flock of ravens. Everyone is petrified of The Undertaker. Everywhere he goes; people assume he’s there for ‘someone’. He does not kill or maim a soul however; people often drive themselves crazy through fear of the man. They panic, and enter a frenzied state. In which, they “deliver”. With the Undertaker satisfied, he leaves often with a lot more blood on his hands than he came for. Someone has to stop him, and, if they can, unravel the mystery of The Undertaker." Any criticism is greatly appreciated.

Re: Critiques on plots

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:34:10 -0500

I'm really interested in this concept. Title-wise, I think you could do some sort of play with the eyes, possibly even calling it Violet Eyes or something similar. It's a cool running concept and would tie the story together well.

Re: Critiques on plots

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:38:18 -0500

I'm not a fan of the name Undertaker as it makes me think of wrestling rather than horror/thriller, but that's just my personal opinion. I can certainly appreciate the concept, and the character sounds really interesting. I assume this would be told from an outsider's perspective rather than the Undertaker's POV? Although, it could be very cool to see it told from the scary man's perspective and would certainly give a better glimpse of the misunderstandings about him. While your summary is vague, it's intriguing.

Re: Critiques on plots

AmaraReyi — Fri, 11 May 2012 21:19:12 -0500

Hoping for ideas for subplots and opinion on my title. It was a working title I picked on a whim ('cause Howl was taken, haha) but it's grown on me. I'm curious if anyone has other ideas, though. Title: Bay Summary: Loyal but unhappy housewife/mother Anke is concerned over the distance growing in her (arranged) marriage. Roldan, her husband, is civil but undemonstrative toward her but caring toward their son Nolke, much to Anke's confusion. Meanwhile, dogs all over the city start to show up dead and a few people go missing. One evening while she takes a walk with their guard dog near the harbor, a monster comes out of the water and attacks them. She's saved by a shapeshifter named Sivan who happened to be in the area. Sivan starts to come around to visit Anke and she's very confused about it. He seems nice enough but becomes more and more interested in her. When Sivan kisses her one day, she slaps him and refuses to see him again. She reconciles with Roldan and they make a promise to start over. The next day, Sivan shows up at their doorstep, bleeding. A massive shadow creature comes up out of the sea and starts to eat people (I promise there's more build to this than I'm explaining, haha). The family and Sivan hole up in Anke's house until one of the smaller monsters breaks in and wounds Roldan. Sivan grudgingly patches him up, but the house is unsafe so they take to the streets to leave the city. Along the way, the group meets up with some other stragglers and fight many of the smaller beasts. They discover the baying of dogs scares the shadow monster away for a little while so they can more safely navigate the streets. At one point, a group of the smaller monsters separate her from the others and she has to find her way back to her family. Anke finds Roldan first, gravely wounded. She tends to him, but he asks her to find their son. She promises to return for him, and sets out into the city to find Nolke. Around that time she starts to get a creepy feeling of being watched, but ignores it. She finds Sivan first and he shapeshifts into a hound to find Nolke. The shadow beast in the bay comes ashore and starts destroying the city. Sivan convinces Anke to abandon Roldan since he's probably dead anyway. But then she realizes Sivan has been manipulating things from the start and attacks him. He attacks back with the shadow beast; he has been controlling it the whole time. The only reason Anke and Nolke are still alive is because Anke reminded him of his dead wife (and he wanted Nolke around to pacify her). Anke kills Sivan but ends up in control of the shadow beast, which almost drives her insane but her promise to Roldan keeps her grounded enough to make the monsters leave the city alone. Roldan survives and Anke's marriage is going better. She still has the beastie talking to her in her head but she's able to live a mostly normal life in the aftermath.

Re: Critiques on plots

maggiep — Thu, 17 May 2012 19:00:38 -0500

Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Its been tough getting the plot together and it is nice having positive feedback on it :)

Re: Critiques on plots

Kane Caston — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:04:47 -0500

[quote=AmaraReyi] Hoping for ideas for subplots and opinion on my title. It was a working title I picked on a whim ('cause Howl was taken, haha) but it's grown on me. I'm curious if anyone has other ideas, though. Title: Bay Summary: Loyal but unhappy housewife/mother Anke is concerned over the distance growing in her (arranged) marriage. Roldan, her husband, is civil but undemonstrative toward her but caring toward their son Nolke, much to Anke's confusion. Meanwhile, dogs all over the city start to show up dead and a few people go missing. One evening while she takes a walk with their guard dog near the harbor, a monster comes out of the water and attacks them. She's saved by a shapeshifter named Sivan who happened to be in the area. Sivan starts to come around to visit Anke and she's very confused about it. He seems nice enough but becomes more and more interested in her. When Sivan kisses her one day, she slaps him and refuses to see him again. She reconciles with Roldan and they make a promise to start over. The next day, Sivan shows up at their doorstep, bleeding. A massive shadow creature comes up out of the sea and starts to eat people (I promise there's more build to this than I'm explaining, haha). The family and Sivan hole up in Anke's house until one of the smaller monsters breaks in and wounds Roldan. Sivan grudgingly patches him up, but the house is unsafe so they take to the streets to leave the city. Along the way, the group meets up with some other stragglers and fight many of the smaller beasts. They discover the baying of dogs scares the shadow monster away for a little while so they can more safely navigate the streets. At one point, a group of the smaller monsters separate her from the others and she has to find her way back to her family. Anke finds Roldan first, gravely wounded. She tends to him, but he asks her to find their son. She promises to return for him, and sets out into the city to find Nolke. Around that time she starts to get a creepy feeling of being watched, but ignores it. She finds Sivan first and he shapeshifts into a hound to find Nolke. The shadow beast in the bay comes ashore and starts destroying the city. Sivan convinces Anke to abandon Roldan since he's probably dead anyway. But then she realizes Sivan has been manipulating things from the start and attacks him. He attacks back with the shadow beast; he has been controlling it the whole time. The only reason Anke and Nolke are still alive is because Anke reminded him of his dead wife (and he wanted Nolke around to pacify her). Anke kills Sivan but ends up in control of the shadow beast, which almost drives her insane but her promise to Roldan keeps her grounded enough to make the monsters leave the city alone. Roldan survives and Anke's marriage is going better. She still has the beastie talking to her in her head but she's able to live a mostly normal life in the aftermath. [/quote] Make suer throughout the novel there are hints, not big ones, but ones that after they read the book, people will say, oh I had a feeling Sivan was evil, or that explains a lot, so on...

Re: Critiques on plots

Kane Caston — Sat, 19 May 2012 05:51:07 -0500

Um ok in this book Im writing I cant decide on something, something major that will branch the storyline. A character is returning home from the city, its a long drive and its late at night, and the weather is bad (snowing). He encounters a car driving erratically, which then crashes. He now has to ring the police. If the police answer then he walks over to the car to check on the driver and is killed and when the police turn up they find nothing or are also killed. (Zombie) In this case the character IS NOT my main character. OR The phone wont answer, its got no service. He encounters the driver and survives. He becomes my main character or one of them anyway, as he then goes into the town, Silent Hill style.

Re: Critiques on plots

TRokicki — Mon, 21 May 2012 09:14:55 -0500

[quote=AmaraReyi] Hoping for ideas for subplots and opinion on my title. It was a working title I picked on a whim ('cause Howl was taken, haha) but it's grown on me. I'm curious if anyone has other ideas, though. Title: Bay Summary: Loyal but unhappy housewife/mother Anke is concerned over the distance growing in her (arranged) marriage. Roldan, her husband, is civil but undemonstrative toward her but caring toward their son Nolke, much to Anke's confusion. Meanwhile, dogs all over the city start to show up dead and a few people go missing. One evening while she takes a walk with their guard dog near the harbor, a monster comes out of the water and attacks them. She's saved by a shapeshifter named Sivan who happened to be in the area. Sivan starts to come around to visit Anke and she's very confused about it. He seems nice enough but becomes more and more interested in her. When Sivan kisses her one day, she slaps him and refuses to see him again. She reconciles with Roldan and they make a promise to start over. The next day, Sivan shows up at their doorstep, bleeding. A massive shadow creature comes up out of the sea and starts to eat people (I promise there's more build to this than I'm explaining, haha). The family and Sivan hole up in Anke's house until one of the smaller monsters breaks in and wounds Roldan. Sivan grudgingly patches him up, but the house is unsafe so they take to the streets to leave the city. Along the way, the group meets up with some other stragglers and fight many of the smaller beasts. They discover the baying of dogs scares the shadow monster away for a little while so they can more safely navigate the streets. At one point, a group of the smaller monsters separate her from the others and she has to find her way back to her family. Anke finds Roldan first, gravely wounded. She tends to him, but he asks her to find their son. She promises to return for him, and sets out into the city to find Nolke. Around that time she starts to get a creepy feeling of being watched, but ignores it. She finds Sivan first and he shapeshifts into a hound to find Nolke. The shadow beast in the bay comes ashore and starts destroying the city. Sivan convinces Anke to abandon Roldan since he's probably dead anyway. But then she realizes Sivan has been manipulating things from the start and attacks him. He attacks back with the shadow beast; he has been controlling it the whole time. The only reason Anke and Nolke are still alive is because Anke reminded him of his dead wife (and he wanted Nolke around to pacify her). Anke kills Sivan but ends up in control of the shadow beast, which almost drives her insane but her promise to Roldan keeps her grounded enough to make the monsters leave the city alone. Roldan survives and Anke's marriage is going better. She still has the beastie talking to her in her head but she's able to live a mostly normal life in the aftermath. [/quote] I find the plot to be pretty unique and engaging. I know this is a summary and obviously many details have been left out, but I think you should probably throw a few more twists in there or at least make the character more substantial. I'd probably dedicate the first three chapters to the weird happenings around town. Make it a bit more mysterious. Maybe a bit more than just dogs dying. Throw in a few more clues and mysterious events. Also, I don't know about Anke being attacked by the monster. Try to redefine this to make it, again, a bit more mysterious but being careful to not drag the story out too much. Maybe she was attacked by something, but not quite sure what it was at first? Also, are you going to put in more detail when narrating the relationship between Anke and Sivan and Anke and Roldan? Build some heat between these characters. The best way to pull in your reader is to make them root for one of the guys or for them to feel as torn about their relationship as Anke feels. Are you going to add some reasonings as to why Roldan isn't affectionate with Anke? I would...it will build a bit of a side story and get the reader closer to the character. All in all, this is very interesting.

Re: Critiques on plots

jordan.williams42 — Mon, 21 May 2012 10:36:21 -0500

It's your decision in the end. It depends on what you want to write and how attached to the character you are. A deciding factor though would be how long the story has gone on with this character before this point. If it's any more than two chapters, people will be thinking that this is the main character and will be confused, maybe even dissapointed when he gets killed off. Hope that helps

Re: Critiques on plots

Kane Caston — Tue, 22 May 2012 06:42:07 -0500

[quote=jordan.williams42] It's your decision in the end. It depends on what you want to write and how attached to the character you are. A deciding factor though would be how long the story has gone on with this character before this point. If it's any more than two chapters, people will be thinking that this is the main character and will be confused, maybe even dissapointed when he gets killed off. Hope that helps [/quote] Yeah I'd invested too many words in this character, it wouldnt be fair to the readers to kill him off even though I didnt see how he could live through the encounter, but he did, all by himself too, I tried to plan it but at the last minute the character himself found an escape.

Re: Critiques on plots

YeonAh — Tue, 22 May 2012 10:02:31 -0500

Let's give this a try :) Character names are still undecided, so they'll probably change often. Title: Never Online Plot: The whole world is wired into a virtual reality game called NVR (Neuro-Virtual Reality, called Never by it's players). It's a whole alternate world in cyberspace, where you could be anyone and do anything. Casinos, games, schools, sex halls, Never has everything. It's run by the largest corporation in the world. Ben and Andrea work as partners in NVR's security detail, catching hackers and potential threats. Ben has been chasing a particular group of elite hackers for a couple years, without luck. When an accident happens and they receive information two of the group's hackers had been killed, the two officers gain a chance to infiltrate the group with the help of an inside man, as replacements. The hackers, led by a blind genius and a wealthy and ambitious heir, appear to be searching for something in the game code. Originally planning to bring down the hacker group as a dangerous threat to the game and the corporation, Ben and Andrea quickly realize something smells fishy about the whole thing. Ben becomes close to the blind Kazu, who explains to him what exactly they were doing in the game. To Ben's shock, the group were not merely terrorists or out for money. Kazu's parents had years ago uncovered a piece of information hidden in the game's structural code, blueprints for a much larger conspiracy within NVR. The company planned to create vast 'storehouses' for populations wired into the game their whole lives, creating a virtual empire under their control. When Kazu's parents were killed for what they knew, he and his adopted brother Ricky were left with the blueprint piece his parents had recovered. Years later, they would form the hacker group with others with the goal of recovering the remaining pieces of the blueprint puzzle and exposing the conspiracy. Learning this, Ben and Andrea decide to turn double agent (learning their inside man had already done so and that was why they'd never been able to track the group before). Feeding the company false information and helping the hackers locate the other pieces of the blueprints, Ben and Kazu become involved in a relationship, while Andrea and Ricky grow closer. Belonging to NVR's security detail becomes a closely-guarded secret, one that could tear the group apart if it were found out. Meanwhile, the hackers are under constant threat of being discovered. Concerns: My co-writer and I are debating converting this from a fanfiction AU to an original fiction story, believing it has a lot of potential. That's why the names aren't totally decided yet >< It's AU enough that without the names, it doesn't even read as something that used to be a fanfiction. But we're biased towards this story, and want to know: removed from a fanfiction context, without the readers that come with it, does this plot sound interesting enough for an original fiction? There is also the debate about gay main characters. We're worried if it will severely hurt our chances at having the story considered by publishers if we stick with them like we want to. We're swapping some characters genders around, but Ben and Kazu would be the main characters, and are obviously both men. Andrea and Ricky are secondary mains, in a straight relationship, and behind them there's another gay couple. Four others within the hacker group, we are currently debating if we want them to be in relationships at all or just be friends.

Re: Critiques on plots

LadyStarlea — Tue, 22 May 2012 10:28:30 -0500

Well I am sure someone else can give a more detailed review of all this but want to say my piece all the same. I agree that It is AU enough that without the names from the original, it doesn't even read as something that used to be a fanfiction. Truth is If you hadn't mentioned it came from a fanfiction I would not have guess it. There is enough anime/mangas out there with virtual reality games as a plot you can get away with it if you change it up a lot as you say you have. You are allowed to write stories inspired by other stories as long as you are not taking everything the same as the original. It is well said if you give the same generalized plot to 5 people you will get 5 different stories. So saying oh I like the virtual reality game with some hidden coded plan in it and then giving it your own spin should be fine. As to the gay romance it will not hurt your chances at getting published at all. there are a number of books with that in them. In fact it might even help as there is a market looking for gay couple stories. So if that is what you want to stay with then go for it.