ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Tex2S — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 17:53:15 +0100

Any interest in trading these? It'll have to go quick; I understand the contest closes next week, and may fill even before then - but I would be happy to try and help out with anybody else who's interested and not submitted yet. I found what looks like some pretty good advice on it from a fellow over on the Amazon boards - his advice is here: http://www.amazon.com/forum/amazon%20breakthrough%20novel%20awards/ref=cm_cd_et_md_pl?_encoding=UTF8&cdForum=Fx6TTNZ0V5TDQ5&cdMsgNo=5&cdPage=1&cdSort=oldest&cdThread=Tx35MYW7138PZ7R&cdMsgID=Mx3TCWT4936ZV55#Mx3TCWT4936ZV55 (Whew, that is one ugly link.) Anybody want to swap?

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Steampunk avi8or — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:54:16 +0100

Yes! I entered yesterday, but I think you can update your entry until February 5th. Should I post it here or Nanomail you?

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Tex2S — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:50:00 +0100

Either way! I had thought of posting here so other people could jump in, but I am game for whatever seems best to you. Hit me!

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Steampunk avi8or — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:53:35 +0100

Mmmmkay here goes! It’s 1861, and the newly elected President Lincoln can see war close on the horizon. He requests an inventor, Professor Bower, to build a machine that will crush the South once and for all. What comes out of Professor Bower’s somewhat drafty brain is a truly incredible device. His invention can switch the minds of two beings, organic or mechanical. To naïve Beatrix Bower, her father’s invention seems to hold limitless power. An enemy disguised as a harmless old man has the same idea, and steals the technology to aid the Confederacy. He kills Professor Bower, leaving only Beatrix and her ragtag posse. Wren, the local oddball who despises wealth and its effects, is always at the throat of Marie, one of society’s elite. Axel, an obnoxious albino with a crippling fear of the sun, might prove to be more useful than he seems. Okapi is a simple mechanic with his head in the clouds. Tracking a villain who constantly switches bodies can be difficult, especially when he always puts his consciousness into the bodies of the people Beatrix holds most dear. Consciousness whisks the reader to a steampunk world in which the Civil War is fought with giant steam-powered robots. Despite the onslaught of action, there are some very sentimental moments. The story is comes alive with a delicate, witty writing style that can only be compared to that of Jane Austen. Consciousness will still appeal to young adult readers, particularly those who enjoyed Scott Westerfeld’s Leviathan and other steampunk novels.

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Tex2S — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:24:47 +0100

Hey, neat! I like it! I REALLY like it; it sounds like a terrific book. I'm gonna pick some nits on the pitch itself, because I really want it to make the cut so I can hurry up and read this thing! Here are some considerations: --I think your overall structure is good (getting the essential parts of the setting explained and leading us up to the main conflict of the story, and closing with some idea of where it should go on a bookshelf) --I would get rid of the names of the secondary characters, cuz not only will they stand out as a little bit incongruous (like, you don't want people saying "who the heck was named Okapi in 1860s America?" and doubting your historical cred, even though you've got this totally explained in the book itself) but they're not necessary for the pitch. Maybe instead you just put a colon at the end of "ragtag posse" and finish it in a single sentence: "Beatrix and her ragtag posse: an oddball who despises wealth, a spoiled young debutante, an obnoxious, sun-fearing albino, and an absent-minded mechanic." Knowmsayn? --I'm not totally sold on the fourth paragraph, by which I mean, I like the first half of it (it tells us the real meat of the problem), but if he's "always" putting himself into Beatrix's friends' bodies, that makes it sound like she does in fact have a reliable way of expecting where he'll go next. Something like "when he has a knack for slipping into the bodies of..." could make it sound more subtle and sinister, kind of like in that movie "The Thing." --lastly - and man, if you don't do one thing else from this list, do this - you have got to axe the sentence about Jane Austen - like, the whole thing. It is GREAT to have a reviewer who says that about you, but when YOU say that about you, it comes off terrible, like as if you think you're the greatest thing since Shakespeare, and that will turn folks off fast. I like much better what you did in your last sentence, where you talk about your audience - saying what you said there, like "you might like this if you also enjoyed X or Y," gives the reader a good idea about your book without going over the edge and saying "this is going to be the next bestseller" or "the best thing since Harry Potter" - it's a fine line, but if you can get fully on the correct side of it, I think you will be in GREAT shape.

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Steampunk avi8or — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:58:02 +0100

Hey thanks I found this incredibly helpful! The names thing- I tried to use an intersesting name to spice up an otherwise not that interesting character. But you're right, it does seem a little weird for the time and has no relevance to the plot. I changed his name to Amadi, which is an actual African name and is perfect because it means "free man" and he is an escaped slave. Epic! Anyways. I like the second thing you said. They can read the book if they want to know the characters' names. Also I think when there was a break between "ragtag posse" and a list of the characters that might have been kinda confusing. I changed the fourth paragraph as well to not exactly but you said, but close. "Always" does make it seem easy for Beatrix to catch him. I cut the Jane Austen sentance, but kept the sentance after that. Thanks so much! Sorry for the rant, I thought this would be better than posting my new pitch or just simply saying Kthanxbye. I can critique your pitch now! :D

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Tex2S — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:26:41 +0100

Hey, awesome - I am so glad you found it helpful, cuz like I said, I think you have a terrific premise on your hands! (And you can't ever apologize for wordiness around me; it's a rare day that I can say anything in less than four paragraphs.) Anyway, here's what I got - let me know what you think! ---------------------------- It’s a dangerous world out there, full of heathen natives and savage animal gods, and Appaloosa Elim aims to have nothing to do with any of it: he’ll sell his annual crop of horses at the fall fair just like always, and be glad to get back to his plain and wholesome life in Hell’s Acre. It’s a wondrous world out there, full of opportunity and vast potential for any fellow with half a brain in his head, and Sil Halfwick means to have his share: he’ll just have to put up with this redneck Elim long enough to get his horses sold, and after that, the sky’s the limit. But horsemanship and salesmanship are both at a loss when the stock fails to sell…until Sil, faced with the prospect of returning to live yet another miserable year among all those bootless hell-dwelling hayseeds, takes the whole expedition hostage, smuggling eleven yearling horses across the border and into the surrendered border town of Sixes. Once there, what begins with a single clean shot from Elim's rifle promises not to end nearly so neatly as he is arrested for the murder of a crow prince, and Sil begins to realize that he knows far less than he thought he did about the town and its residents even in daylight, and nothing at all about what happens there after dark. It’s a wounded world out there, old and fierce and deeply unforgiving, and ONE NIGHT IN SIXES is all it takes to re-open the divide between those who are of the earth and those whose trespass upon it may cost them their lives.

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

keithisgood — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:25:55 +0100

Hope this doesn't come too late for you. Here are my notes: It's a problem inherent in any pitch/query, but there are only 5 sentences here. It would be my preference to see these chopped into a better rhythm of long and short sentences. As is, I feel 'winded' reading it. Too much info crammed into too few sentences. Perhaps this is simply my preference for a specific style, but I feel phrases like "Appaloosa Elim aims to have nothing to do with any of it" seems wordy. I think stronger verbs could both shorten your sentences and give the pitch a stronger punch. Also, I never get a clear feeling for where and when this novel takes place. Of course, in the competition, your entry is clearly labeled, so that gets rid of part of the problem. I would still advise to include some concrete description of time and place to make the pitch more cohesive. Your closing paragraph confuses me. I think (again) chopping it into component sentences would be a great help. I'm also unsure how the phrase "may cost them their lives" relates to "ONE NIGHT IN SIXES... trespass upon it". It reads like a copy-and-paste error right now. And finally, I find Sil more interesting than Elim. It seems to me from this pitch that Sil is the protagonist and Elim a side-character, leaving me to wonder why Sil's isn't mentioned first. If this is indeed Elim's story, that needs to be made clear, showing us what he does in response to Sil. Hope that helps. If you feel like taking a look at my pitch, I posted it in the Query Letter Thread.

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

keithisgood — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:28:57 +0100

Ah crud. I've just surfed over to Createspace and the General Fic category has already closed. Sorry I didn't get this critique to you sooner. Hopefully it still helps.

Re: ABNA - Pitch Critiques

Tex2S — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 04:01:48 +0100

It absolutely does, and I thank you so much for taking the time! I think I took a little much of some advice from elsewhere, about making sure the "voice" of your novel comes through in the pitch: Elim's scenes are a little more hick-ish in outlook and diction, while Sil speaks and thinks more snobbily in the Queen's English, and I tried to put a little of that through in their respective paragraphs here. I will work on putting that across more clearly, which will go hand in hand with your suggestion about clearing up the time and place. And I DEFINITELY have a bad allergy to periods, no lie - semi-colons and colons and dashes and ellipses always read like full-stops in my head, and it's a mistake I tend to miss on the page. It sure does help to hear it from an objective point of view, and I sincerely appreciate yours. It might be too late to make any difference for this particular contest, but the book itself is what matters, and that can't help but be improved by your thoughtful considerations here!