Pitchapalooza Pitch Critique

No-one's made one of these yet? Just what it says on the tin! I'll start!

LIFELINES

“My father always said I was an old soul. I never took much notice of it; it was just something he said. A ‘Dad-ism’ if you will.

Boy, wasn’t it a surprise when I found out he was right.”

A year after the accident, artist Natalie Monrow finally feels like her life is slotting firmly back into the groove of normality.

Or it would be if she could stop seeing things.

Ghostly figures, other worlds, it’s enough to drive a person insane (if she isn’t actually there already). Her predicament attracts the attentions of the eerie Watchers, who inform her of her new found powers and of the price she must now pay for them. Forced to go on the run to save her family, she meets up with a rebel group lead by the enigmatic Libby and joins them in their fight to overthrow the Watchers. Battling foes many times stronger than herself while trying to figure out the world she now finds herself in, soon she will have to make the biggest decision of her life; the choice between her family and, possibly, her very soul.

One thing she does know. She won't give them up easily.

Ginaxx already gave all the good comments on your pitch, so all I can really say is that I think the edits really helped.
although, from your pitch it sounds like the ghostly sightings only started after the accident, so why would her father be talking about her abilities before they appeared? It might be nitpicky, but I got a bit confused.

Anyway, here's my synopsis for Worth the Bullet (or White Rose. I can't decide which)

Rita stands convicted for a crime she didn't commit. Rather than face a punishment that would force her to give up the only thing she's ever been able to keep safe, her body, she goes on the run. They chase her, of course, but the hunted quickly turns into the huntress as Rita loses herself in the symbol she's become - the White Rose. But when the man who framed her in the first place threatens the only person she loves, Rita will have to either harden her heart one more notch, or give up everything she ever fought for.
All Jonathan knows is that Rita's harder to catch than anyone thought she would be. She's a mission, a prize to be won. The price on her head climbs with each successive kill, and Jonathan needs the money to escape his place in the Serpents. But an image of Rita lingers in his head, an image that's too beautiful to destroy. As the noose tightens around Rita's neck, Jonathan will have to decide whether that image is worth losing everything for.

Thanks for the comments!

I agree with Taekwondodo's comments, it needs some more background to it.

C.Angelina wrote:
as Rita loses herself in the symbol she's become - the White Rose.

Also, this part confuses me a bit, because your pitch doesn't explain what the White Rose has to do with her.


Okay, so I'm working on a couple different pitches right now, but this is the only one I have finished so far. I'm kind of afraid it's too much of an info dump, but at the same time I feel not enough of the actual story is explained -_- (side note--I just reread it and cringed a little). So basically this is the info I'm trying to get across (minus the fact the two character will probably be killed if anyone finds them), I might just need to reword a lot of it. Also, it's about 25 words over (shhh...editing.) Other note--not trying to play the sympathy card right now :)


The Accord was simple: Seelie were not to intrude on Unseelie territory, and the Unseelie would do the same. Breaking the agreement was a crime punishable by imprisonment, death even.

Aiden Cáel broke that agreement when he was captured hunting in a forest bordering the two countries, in Unseelie Territory. Brought to the Court of Winter, the verdict was set instantly: Death. Until a young girl intervened, determined to save the boy [with the pretty green eyes] (might take out the reference to his eyes, which is also a reference to something she said in the prologue)

Three years later Aiden is still alive as a servant in the Castle, though the girl, Viviane, is not too pleased. She cannot stand his attitude or disrespectfulness, but she tries to ignore him, focusing instead on her life and her engagement to her childhood friend, Prince James.

But she does not want to marry so soon. She wants to travel, to meet new people, to live. Determined to prove that she can survive on her own, she runs away, freeing Aiden in the process. They travel to his home, where there is talk of rebellion, talk of peace and talk of blood. All too soon Viviane finds herself in the middle of a brewing war, one that will turn the Courts against each other once more.

And then there’s Peter, an exiled Prince and Aiden’s brother, who may know more about the rumors than he’s letting on

OFFBEAT: A FAIRY TALE

She dreams she’s the princess in a fairy tale. Too bad no one ever informed this princess what happens when fairy tales hit the fan.

Serra Kingston feels offbeat. Aside from her adoptive parents, she loves her fairy tales and little else. She can’t sing to save her life, she's wholly average, and most of the boys at school ignore her unless she trips over their feet. She’s also an easy target for her school’s vindictive Queen Bee.

One tragic day, Serra receives her first kiss from a compelling stranger, who disappears without a word. Her grief forces it from her mind, until strange things start happening.

It's strange when she’s the fairest in the high school overnight. It’s laughable when the pigeons in the park gossip about her and empathic bridge trolls play grief counselor. When her best friend catches her singing in the shower and suggests she join swing choir, she knows something is wrong.

The worst thing about discovering she’s a fairy tale princess though?

Unless she finds the man whose magi-binding kiss awakened her, she won't survive to see seventeen.
The Grimm Brothers definitely had the right idea; she would sue Disney first chance she got.

Hi all. I would love a critique of my pitch as well. This is the pitch that I submitted to the ABNA contest. I didn't realize there was a board her for pitch critiques or I would have come here for that too! Anyways, since ABNA allows a 300 word pitch, mine is 275 words. Pitchapalooza only allows 200, so I need to cut. Any ideas where I can cut? Thanks!

Family arguments had become a normal part of the day for eighteen-year-old Calista. She was anxious to start college and leave the turmoil behind her. But then her father suddenly leaves with no word. Calista struggles to understand how her warm, loving father could abandon the family in such a heartless way. She also has to deal with her mother, who has become cold, distant, and closed-off. She has no one to turn to for comfort or answers.

More startling, Calista realizes that she can hear, feel, and see things that other people cannot. When she receives a visit from Eliza, an ancestor from 1840s Ireland, she finds out that nothing in her life is as it seemed. She has a connection to Eliza that she doesn’t fully understand, but Eliza proves to be very helpful in revealing something very important that her parents had concealed: her family lineage holds the key to everything.

Calista is too defiant to just accept the fate that she has been given. Instead, she sets out to seek answers. Who – or what – is she? Where is her father? And why is everything falling apart around her?

To complicate things further, she falls in love with a man so forbidden that a relationship with him could threaten the very people she loves.

Ultimately she has to make a choice – should she take the complacent route, giving up an essential part of herself for the sake of safety? Or should she take the riskiest path to independence?

LINEAGE is a novel that explores self-discovery, the desire to seek personal freedom, and the family relationships that tie it all together.

Here's mine. This is a pretty quick first draft, so I'm well aware there will need to be some changes. Any help you can give would be appreciated! Thanks!

The Fortune Eater

Fable White has never been ordinary. Saved by her mother from government-ordered elimination at birth, she has spent her life knowing she was never supposed to exist in the first place. And when her assigned husband is mysteriously killed less than a year before their marriage ceremony, Fable finds herself isolated even further from the society around her - a society that simply doesn’t know what to do with those who don’t fit in.

Eleven years later, at the age of twenty-two, Fable receives an anonymous letter from someone claiming to have knowledge of her assigned husband. Through it she meets Manevra, a retired fortune teller with an undisguised contempt for the government’s methods of control, and Lolan, a young boy with a unique gift of his own. With their help, Fable must decide what she is willing to risk to discover the truth about her husband - and about the rest of the world as she knows it.

Here's my second attempt at a pitch:

Worth the Bullet

“The Serpents weren’t very smart, making me a runaway. For one thing, I’m not very good at it, for another, I’m already getting sick of it.”

The majority of the population now lives inside huge windowless and supposedly terrorist-proof skyscrapers. Public transportation via an elevated system of enclosed high-speed trains mean that no one ever has to step foot into the danger of the outside. But not everyone made it into the scrapers before capacity was reached.
Rita owes her life to two bullets – the one her father decided she wasn’t worth, and the one a stranger decided she was. Now Rita stands convicted for a crime she didn't commit, and escaping a penalty that would force her to lose her virginity leads to the first deaths.

Rita’s quest for revenge leads her to become the White Rose, a sort of Batman who makes the streets safer at night. But she’s gone up against the most powerful organization outside the scrapers, an organization that won’t give up power. When they threaten the one person Rita’s ever risked getting close to, Rita will have to choose: harden her heart one more notch, or give up everything she’s ever fought to keep.

I needs feedbacks! D:

Three hundred years ago, a research colony on the planet Viridia was cut off from the rest of humanity by an event now known as the Silence. With no more trade from other planets, the people of Viridia learned to get by without a stable supply of industrial metals but with a magic-like planetary life-force called gaia. Originally designed for the research and development of new agricultural technologies, the facility focused on making the most of available resources, and the city that grew up around it, which came to be called Paolo, thrived for generations separated from the rest of human civilization.

Now a discarded research clone named Reynard from the center that has come to be known simply as Arandee has found something buried in Paolo's junkyard that could change everything: a starship's navigational android. As he repairs her he realizes that she holds the key to reuniting Viridia with the rest of humanity - but Arandee is not willing to give up control of the planet so easily.

[i]Dream of a Thousand Stars[/i] is a story of humanity’s ability to adapt and persevere, and the need to understand what it means to be human.

A MAN’S MAN
Juvenile Fiction/Social Issues/Bullying
Juvenile Fiction/Social Issues/Alternative Family


R.J. Davis hates that life dumped him with his gay father, hates that his dad’s boyfriend lives with them, and especially hates that everyone at his new school will make fun of him when they find out. It’s unfair and seems too much for a thirteen year old boy to handle, especially living on a cow palace of all places.

Following an abrupt move from San Diego after his mother is killed; R.J. quickly learns that Walt Whitman Elementary in rural Silver Lake, Minnesota has plenty of bullies who will make him a target if they know he’s a gay man’s son. Keeping his hayseed father in the closet is his top priority, until R.J. hatches a daring plan of action to eliminate the boyfriend.

It takes courage and strength to turn his father straight once more; R.J. has to deceive everyone in Silver Lake. He calls upon God to help him face the fury, disappointment, and sense of betrayal his lying accusations cause, but he is totally unprepared for the sudden firing of everyone’s favorite basketball coach. Now his father is a different man but the changes are not what R.J. anticipated.

A MAN’S MAN is a coming of age story about a boy finding his way through the social constraints of a small mid-western community. Entertainingly told from R.J.’s first person perspective, enjoy the journey he takes to learn how to be A MAN’S MAN.

I'm ridiculously nervous, but here it goes! What'd you think????


In 1540, young Rhett Rhyn rescues Lady Isla Belle from an arranged marriage in the twilight hours of rebellion, binding their souls together in a forbidden, secret ceremony. As the last words escape the officiator’s lips, arrows meant for the teenaged Romeo, pierce the heart of his spirited Juliet.
Isla Belle Thorne, a fiery modern day cynic, has officially armed herself with a Bachelor’s of Science from an Ivy League university. Abandoned by her father, despite her hopelessly romantic mother, she abhors the opposing gender. Regardless of her impeccable ability to control her destiny, fate throws Isla Belle into a political goose chase. She mysteriously discovers herself the focus of centuries old research regarding several women buried throughout history and the very much alive violinist, Rhett Rhyn.
A mixture of The Notebook and the Twilight Saga, The Eyes are Always Blue, follows the love and soul of two people bound for eternity; showing that true love conquers time, fear, and death.

The world has been destroyed. Nothing is left on this forsaken planet except for a small population of humans, and the monstrous Kiers. No one will tell me how the world was destroyed, or how the Kiers were created. All I know are three things:
1. The Kiers are an abomination with only a shadow of the previous human hosts.
2. I am alone. My family left me because I was a baby and they couldn’t survive with me.
3. Survival is the only thing left.
But there is hope, for I am now old enough to understand why my family left me, and to go after them. My name is Zoey, and with the help of some new found allies, I will do the most dangerous thing known to my people. I am going to search for my family, and find them. I will find that which was taken from me, for I am Strong.
Join Zoey on her journey to find her family in this young adult, fantasy novel set in a Post-Apocalyptic era. In Strong, Zoey faces many trials and struggles, so hold on to your seat and enjoy the perilous ride.