Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

grenouille — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:21:10 +0100

The title says it, plus why did you do it and what was it like? I'm mostly interested in what goes through your head when it's not the typical sensual and emotional stuff.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

LDRobwell — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:37:05 +0100

Yes. What went through my head? "holy fuck this chick is hot"

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Coffeedrinker — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 03:23:41 +0100

Sex, erm, that depends on what you call sex. If BDSM play counts in for you, then regularly. Thinking? Usually I'm extremely concentrated on what I am doing and don't think many extraneous thoughts.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Admelior — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 05:52:16 +0100

I wasn't in love with most of the women with whom I've had sex, but I was attracted to them all. Attraction isn't the same as love. I'm attracted to looks, personality, humor...even a good singer (I've been in and out of amateur music for years), whatever catches my eye/ear/mind. Sex as a physical act is fun, relaxing and an usually an overall pleasurable experience. I love the company, the personal contact. Sometimes I've just been in it to "get some". When it's over, be it that night or days or weeks or months later, it's over. Yes, I have affection for them. Yes, I care for them as people, and yes, I might even love them, but I'm not IN LOVE with them. Attraction, infatuation, interest, love, horniness...call it what you will, sometimes you just want to be intimate with someone else.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Sylvan James — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:43:49 +0100

Mostly it, "Oh, god, what was I thinking?" or "This is boring," or "Hurry up," or some combo of all those things, and then it's vowing to never do it again. Until next time, lol A few rounds of that and then I finally found my love. Now it's "Oh, god, what was I thinking," or "This is boring," or "Hurry up," but we've been married for years, so, wth. Yet another circle of life no one tells you about. How about you, gren? :)

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

josey357 — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:52:12 +0100

Before I found the love of my life, I was very active and my thought was if men can have one night stands, why can't I? Sex is primal and animalistic in nature, being in love with your partner is a bonus. During sex with many of my partners I was not in love with and simply liked them, we where friends and just had fun. The partners I had that where one night stands, to me they where conquests. Men I was attracted to physically and wanted nothing more than their body for a night. If they knew what they were doing I was satisfied, if they did not...I faked an orgasm and found a different partner. Thoughts that went through my head? If I was thinking actual thoughts, it was my cue to find a new play thing. (I know that has got to sound horrible, but that was how I was before my husband won my heart).

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Minndi — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 17:29:42 +0100

I had a threesome/foursome with my boyfriend and a girl I'd known somewhat briefly. In regards to the girl, my thoughts were mostly focused on how nice her tits and ass were. I did end up falling for her and am now dating her, but that was a few months later. It wasn't a one night stand and we were friendly before it. *shrug*

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Uwasa_Waya — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 17:46:55 +0100

Had a casual sexual relationship with my friend and his girlfriend. Surprisingly it wasn't weird at all. Had a blast while it was going and mostly we spent the time joking and just fooling around or trying increasingly absurd positions. What was I thinking? I don't know. Not too much. Mostly how I was thankful it wasn't awkward between he and I.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Saker Pup — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 19:02:25 +0100

Why: My ex and I had just broken up (because we realized that us dating was not working) but we were still living together, so we did the friends with benefits thing for a while. I went for it mostly because I wanted to know whether I could fuck someone I didn't love and whether it would result in any emotional damage to me. What it was like: Without the love aspect, the sex was actually so much better than it had been while we were dating. We both actually got to a place where we could communicate the way we should have been communicating before and we could laugh together and it was honestly a really good time. In my head: There was still an emotional connection but it wasn't love, we were friends. So mostly I was just focusing on the sensations and the moment (not like "the moment" in some profound amazing sense, just being present in what was going on--it was all very Zen, you see (ha)). ... um, I get points on my Slut Card for sharing this, right?

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

mollyyymo — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 19:42:49 +0100

I've done this a lot. For the most part it was fun and thrilling and I think it's something worth trying if you haven't done it. Yes, there was some drama. A couple of my partners got too into me. I got too into one of them. But for the most part everyone was pretty chill about the lack of strings attached to the sex. What was it like? Depends on which of the many men and women we're talking about. Sometimes I just felt super sexy and powerful and happy that I was doing something "just because." Sometimes I was disappointed. Sometimes I was scared, like the one time when this girl I was flirting with took me by the wrist, led me to my room, turned out the lights, and jumped on me (which, aside from the initial fear, turned out to be an awesome experience). One time, I had to leave in the middle to throw up, because I was absolutely trashed. One time, the person I was sleeping with had to leave in the middle to smoke marijuana. So... mixed reviews. What was in my head? Not much. That whole period of my life is kind of a blur, due to the drinking and hard-partying and intentional blocking-out-of-the-bad-parts. All I really remember is bad vodka and great sex. I'm glad that I got it out of my system and I don't regret any of it.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

lunaKM — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 00:32:02 +0100

[quote=grenouille] The title says it, plus why did you do it and what was it like? I'm mostly interested in what goes through your head when it's not the typical sensual and emotional stuff. [/quote] Yes, several times. I was horny, they were available. It was to squelch a need. Masturbation only goes so far. It was okay as long as I didn't hold any expectations. You can't expect much from someone you don't know and won't talk to again.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Hautegeisha — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 02:36:22 +0100

I drink to this response.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

grenouille — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 02:43:29 +0100

Oh my, you're talking just like my character :D He's a guy, but still. And actually, it doesn't sound horrible to me. I don't know if it should disturb me... probably not :D

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Cereborn — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 03:09:53 +0100

She was present and willing and I've spent way too much of my life pining after chicks I was sure I was in love with.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Cody_Thomas — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:10:16 +0100

I was either at Renfaire, Drunk, Horny, Fell in lust with a piece of eye candy, or some combination of the four. Casual sex is more about scratching an itch than anything else. You're willing, they're willing, it might not be the best idea you've ever had and it might be awkward in the morning, but at the moment it's fun, it's dirty, it might even be wild, and with a little luck you both might still be friends after it's over. Casual sex doesn't really consider the consequences, so I think of it as kind of like giving the world the finger.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Shannanigan — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:38:41 +0100

Yes, with quite a few people, because I like sex, and sometimes it was good and other times...meh. Often, it was finding someone attractive while knowing that there was no way I could be romantic with that person. That didn't mean I didn't want to do them, though. In my head on those occasions, I was usually thinking "hell, yeah!" and just enjoying what was happening. Other times, I was very sexually frustrated and simply grabbed the nearest guy. *shrug* Many of those experiences were more frustrating, because there was no attraction, no deep emotion, and the guy often didn't know wth he was doing and would let me do all the work. Which, I mean, allows me to get the job done, but I much prefer someone more participatory. Once I slept with a guy I didn't know very well, but who was being deployed to Iraq the next day. I felt very patriotic for a few days after that.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Coffeedrinker — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 22:07:37 +0100

[quote=Shannanigan]Many of those experiences were more frustrating, because there was no attraction, no deep emotion, and the guy often didn't know wth he was doing and would let me do all the work. Which, I mean, allows me to get the job done, but I much prefer someone more participatory.[/quote] Which is the reason why I may, can and do play/scene with lots of guys I am not in love with, but never slept with one I wasn't in a relationship with. I don't do vanilla sex, and I even less cater to vanilla ideas of men during sex, which makes me a potentially quite enervating/exasperating lay for complete strangers, especially those who have no idea how to get someone like me off. And without getting it off I see no sense in it. I've had sex without being in love with long time friends, but that included quite some affection and knowledge of each other.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

the_devil — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 11:43:22 +0000

With a variety of people resulting in a variety of experiences. I find it perfectly possible to have a strong physical attraction to somebody without the emotional/romantic attraction being there much at all. In my experience the more relaxed you both are the better it often is. If one or both people are not really engaging fully, then it doesn't reach the potential it might have to be a beautiful thing. It can be very uplifting, memorable and beautiful.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Selahrose — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 22:43:28 +0000

Having sex and being in love are on two different playing fields for me. If I am having sex because I need an itch scratched then usually the only thing going through my head is how long can I torture this guy til I get mine. However once into it my zone, nothing. I'm enjoying the moment, he can't mess up because I am telling him exactly what to do. In saying that, mostly everyone has sex with someone that they are not in love with. Being in love takes time to get to know the other person so if you walk into a relationship and have sex, then you have had sex with someone that you are attracted to and not in love with.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Soluna — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:32:36 +0000

I lost my virginity to a stranger. I was 21 and tired of my virginity. He was HOT and I was less than sober. I was a horrible sexual partner, and frankly I don't think I was alone in my horridness. Anyway, I was thinking "wow it's happening," then "this is all there is?" I waited for it to get exciting, then I gave up. I asked him if we were done yet. Then we were... I learned about communicating with even one night stands after that.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

~Black~Diamond~ — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:39:51 +0000

Same here. I have had sex with several people who I haven't been in love with. Most of the time I just do it to scratch an itch. I agree that it is also usually a conquest. What I am thinking definitely depends on how good the sex is. If its bad, my mind starts to wander and all I can think about is when will this be over. If its good, I am too busy enjoying it to think about much.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Argentum — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 09:54:10 +0000

For me, at least, there's no stark dichotomy between 'scratching an itch' and 'being in love'. Sometimes if you are head over heels for a guy, you can still use him to 'scratch an itch'. You can also 'make love' to someone you know you are NOT in love with. Even one night stands can merit sensuous and romantic, or at least respectfully appreciative and convivial, thoughts. Couldn't say if any men feel that way, too.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Sylvan James — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 11:58:56 +0000

*points on my Slut Card,* lmao! geez, that is too funny! Double bonus, I'm sure :)

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

ftmyersartist — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 21:00:29 +0000

Hell. . . I've had sex with people I don't even like. I tell ya. . .angry grudge sex can be awesome.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Elisheva3ce — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:52:55 +0000

Since I have never been in love...I have never had sex with someone I was in love with. I have had sex with people I loved...good friends now. That was a good thing. I also whole-heartedly believe in the goodness of friends with bennies. For those I wasn't friends/in a relationship with...generally it sucked. What was going through my mind? Hmmm...If I do this will he like me better/treat me better (and yes, I was dating some of them)? If I do this, will he keep me safe? Will I feel more "normal" if I do this? Then that was followed by: Why did I do this? Why did he do this? What is wrong with me? I hate myself. Trust me, it took me a long time to get my head on straight. And it is still pretty wobbly. But then, try adding a horrid childhood, a couple of date-rapes, and PTSD and see how much it messes with your head. I think if you are looking for the character's frame of reference, you are going to have to make a decision on how you want the character to react. I have known both men and women that refuse to have sex without some sort of emotional connection, and I tend to agree. Most of my friends and I do believe that good friends can have a sexual relationship without falling in love. You just have to set the ground rules in advance.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Timothy.Higgins — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:06:46 +0000

Have I ever had sex with someone I wasn't in love with? I don't know. Does masturbating count?

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

i am the moon — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:33:19 +0000

Definitely not. I haven't even been in a relationship with almost all the people I've slept with. I tend to prefer it that way. It's very erotic in and of itself, not having to worry about commitment or whether he/she is going to want to spend the night or if I'm now required to remember birthdays. It's entirely in the moment.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Coffeedrinker — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:36:49 +0000

Don't you like yourself?

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

howcloseis — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 22:33:31 +0000

I had sex with my ex, about a year and a half after we'd broken up and settled into the "hey, in turns out being friends is really awesome" state of being. Neither of us had romantic feelings for the other one, we were certainly not in danger of getting back together. I was horny and recently heartbroken from someone else, he was horny and deprived of sex for too long, so we got drunk and did it on a friend's living room floor. The next day we kind of pondered the situation, what the appropriate "morning after" goodbye was, (hug? kiss?), decided on a high five, and went our merry ways. It happened a few more times and no one's feelings got hurt. What went through my head every time, especially the first, was "Oh my god I forget how awesome this is, I should have sex more often." It was nice being with someone I knew and trusted, because I felt safe that he wasn't going to be an asshole at any point. The last time we did it, I kind of was in a weird brain space where I realized I wanted to be doing it with someone else (the aforementioned breaker of my heart), and after that decided that if I couldn't have sex with someone I wanted to have sex with, it was probably best to just abstain. This isn't to say that I would never have sex with someone I wasn't in love with, I actually sometimes think it would have been nice to have played the field (so to speak) more before settling down seriously, but as it happens, I am now happily ensconced in monogamy with someone I plan on marrying (and I have no regrets about this). TLDR: Sex feels nice as long as people are comfortable with each other, I would do it again without a second thought.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Saker Pup — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 22:49:53 +0000

[quote=howcloseis]Neither of us had romantic feelings for the other one, we were certainly not in danger of getting back together.[/quote] Isn't that just the best? The first time with my ex after we'd broken up, I was really concerned with the potential of either of us falling back into the L-word because I was over it and done and going to be leaving and I did not want that. So when he turned to me after and said "I don't love you." it struck me as romantic-without-the-romance if that makes any sense. And then we went on like that until I could move out. It was an admittedly an odd situation but I don't regret it in the slightest.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Rose M. Welch — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 07:06:57 +0000

Plenty of times, generally because I wanted to have sex, and it's the same as any non-specific time with a partner that you do love. It's true that lovemaking requires emotion, but most couples don't 'make love' every time (or even most times). :)

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

bickles — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 10:18:12 +0000

I almost prefer having sex with people I'm not 'in love with' but I'm also terribly pragmatic as far as sex is concerned but relatively guarded with my emotions. With people that I'm not romantically involved with, the sex is a single moment or a series of moments with their own nuanced aspects (particular emotions/urges/desires involved, what 'works' and what doesn't), unlike a traditional relationship wherein the sex has more additive factors that relate to each other. With the loss of a sexual partner, I've found that the sex outside of a 'traditional relationship' is easier to lose (and in a way, appreciate the loss of, because its fleeting moment definitely has its own charm) than sex within a relationship where it becomes more familiar and the lack of that familiarity with the next partner has the potential of being alienating.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

calenlily — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:02:07 +0000

The first time I had sex (for a certain value of "sex", it didn't actually go beyond heavy petting) with someone I didn't love I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, which had been long-distance for the last few months of it. So I was kind of high on being newly single as well as quite sexually frustrated. I chose the guy specifically because he was a friend, we'd had some sexual tension, and he was someone I knew I would never want to date. I was also going through a depressive episode and had been having various desires to do risky things in the hopes that they might make me feel something other than numb; though I only realized that in hindsight. My feelings were mostly "whee, I have so much freedom, I'm being so daring!" and eventually frustration as I discovered just how different sex was with different partners and how much our tastes didn't mesh. And then a day or two later I came down off that freedom high and just felt totally icky about it. After that I decided I wasn't emotionally capable of sex without love, or at least not at that point in my life. And then there was a very different situation. My ex and I managed to remain close friends, and so one day he had come over to hang out (and, of all the surreal situations, I was comforting him about being dumped by the girl he left me for). And we ended up discussing how neither of us was in love with the other anymore, but we still cared for each other as friends and we were still, well, in lust with each other, and so we started considering the possibility of a friends-with-benefits relationship, and we spent about an hour going over pros and cons trying to determine how likely it would be that it would backfire horribly, and finally decided to go for it. So we've had an ongoing casual thing since then, and it's been wonderful. The primary feeling is basically "this is so much fun", augmented by a warm sense of comfort and safety and affection (and at the beginning a lot of "been way too long" and excitement at having a sex life again). Overall, I'd say my experience of sex without being in love is there's more exclusive focus on the physical sensations, and more raw hunger.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Maydeleh — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:35:17 +0000

The only person I've ever both been in love with and had sex with is my husband--and I wasn't in love with him when we first had sex. There is 'sensual and emotional' stuff that goes with having sex with someone you're not in love with, just not the same stuff. It's hot, it's exciting, there's an ego rush that someone thinks you're hot, and wants to have sex with you. It's like--this sounds weird, but it's almost the adult version of little kids who meet in a sandbox and will play happily all afternoon together. They never think about each other again. It's not a real relationship, like you have with siblings or real friends. But while you're making your sandcastle with this other little kid, you're totally happy, because you're doing something fun together, and you like them. It's the sex version of that.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Dav1d — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 15:22:07 +0000

I've never made love, with someone I didn't love at the time. I have had sex with some one I really had no emotionals feelings for at the time. I've only done that once, and found it so lacking in pleasure that I've never had a desire to revisit the experience again. And yes that includes a significant period of time after my divorce. So not all males are dumb enough to want a quickie with no attachments... Hope that helps

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Jin-roh — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:47:40 +0000

[quote=grenouille] The title says it, plus why did you do it and what was it like? I'm mostly interested in what goes through your head when it's not the typical sensual and emotional stuff. [/quote] I had a romp with a female friend awhile back. At one point (when we were already in bed and mostly naked) she whispered "what the hell are we doing" and I said "we're blowing off steam." I was thinking, "this is not quite right for our friendship, but we've gone this far, and we're obviously into it." It felt a bit dissociative to be honest. We had to square it with eachother the next day. I think the fact that I knew the icky feeling was coming made it easier to deal with.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

MrZiggles — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:52:57 +0000

Yes. Every woman I've had sex with was somebody I wasn't in love with. I've only been in love with one woman ever. And she preferred to remain just friends. So it was either sleep with women I don't love or die a virgin.

Re: Ever had sex with someone you weren't in love with?

Einna Auruan — Mon, 07 May 2012 20:07:44 +0100

Yes, for horniness, money, and pity. Sex when you're in love, you're wrapped up in your partner, in the emotion, the sensation...the whole package. For horniness, the focus is on the act, and scratching your itches whatever they are. When you're satiated, you're done with the other person; how you deal with them afterwards varies depending on the person. I usually have a civil chat and a cup of tea, then see them out. For money, the focus is on the other person. Guys like to think the girl they're buying is enjoying herself, but realistically we're just acting; we're concentrating hard on our partner and what gets them off. It's like driving; an interactive task made up of lots of little parts. For pity, you generally just think of your shopping list and let them get on with it. At least I do. I've also been sexually assaulted, and can tell you all about that, but I doubt it's what you want to hear about. PM me if you want any more details about any of the above.