The first time for a girl

One of my characters gets married and I'm considering whether to add her first experience of sex after her wedding night. I've been told there's pain (duh!) but I don't know how to accurately describe it (tearing? bone splitting?). She has a conversation with her mother about what to expect. Her mother has been with a few men in her long life so knows the tricks of the trade so to speak.

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It kind of depends on the circumstances. it's a bit sore on initial penetration but as long as there has been enough foreplay and she's not too stressed about it being her first time she should get into it pretty quickly. If the person she's having sex with is experienced then they would probably/ hopefully know how to get her in the mood and get her juices flowing (for want of a better phrase). if not then she might be a bit dry and it could be quite uncomfortable. If it's a romance story, you want her to be ready and for it to be relatively pain free.

The pain type depends on whether her hymen is intact or not. If so, it would be quite a sharp pain that recedes quite quickly. It depends on the era of your book - if it's a sort of regency type story, then her hymen would probably be intact but not necessarily nowadays as the hymen can tear through riding a bike or horseriding or gymnastics. I would say the pain would be more tearing. Definitely not bone splitting or no one would ever do it again.

Don't just go on what I say. Every woman is different and everyone's experience of the first time is different. You will probably get about 20 answers to this and 21 different opinions as to how painful and what kind of pain it is. it's kind of like asking what does period pain feel like.

Has the girl had any sexual experiences before her wedding night? If she has, the experience might not be so foreign to her and may not be as painful.

If the girl has never even touched a man before (or been touched), then I think her experience will be one of shock, embarassment and possibly more pain than in the first scenario.

I wouldn't call the experience "bone splitting" though...unless we are talking about rape, the imagery of bone splitting makes me shudder, not at all what I'd want to read about when a woman is with a man for the first time on their wedding night.

Hope this helped.

Agreed that unless it is rape (in which case it would be really painful), in most consensual cases there is perhaps uncertainty, nervousness and a bit of discomfort - but pain? I think in our society today the whole hyman thing is hardly relevant! Very few girls have to experience the whole concept of "ripping" (at least in my life, conversations with friends, personal etc,). More a case of feeling uncomfortably stuffed (sounds crass but true). Proper foreplay should make everything smooth and fairly easy!

My first time didn't hurt per say...not pain wise. It was uncomfortable and really unsent really. It was also very awkward...to be fair I don't think either of us knew what we were doing...

I did have a bladder infection the next something I was told later is common. Make sure to clean and or pee

I've heard lots of stories from friends about first times, and most people will say it hurts. But then, that's something about the nature of the first time. It also depends a little on how big he is, and how small she is.

My first time was very, very relaxed and kind of protracted. My partner and I had been sexually involved for some time, so we knew how to arouse the other and we both said we'd stop if there was a problem. The first time we went for penetration, I think I tensed and I found it very sore. We quickly stopped, and over the next couple of months we just messed about, really (medically, I believe sex is only considered full sex if the man ejaculates, so that was how I figure it) and I got used to the idea and the sensation. When we finally went for 'sex' in the medical sense, I was totally chilled and comfortable; there was no pressure, and no pain. Actually, I enjoyed it. Oh, and I never have a hymen; some women are born without them.

Friends of mine, however, have had very different experiences. One of the worst things, other than of course, unwillingness, is pressure and losing virginity on a specific night can be a huge amount of pressure. Pressure leads to tension and decreased lubrication, which, especially in a young woman, leads to pain. First time penetration, in those circumstance, can also be quite difficult and, especially if it's the guy's first time, he might react to the resistance in the muscle by pushing harder, causing more pain. It could all get quite ugly. This bad experience can lead to a fear of future sex, which can lead to further tension and repeats of the same problem. I know plenty of women who lost their virginity in their teens and didn't really enjoy sex until their late twenties and had a partner who was more compassionate and competent.

I used to have a lot of pain even inserting tampons, so I actually put effort into trying to "practice" and get my muscles to relax before I ever lost my virginity, so I think it hurt less than it otherwise would have.

The main painful thing for me was penetration, and the first several times, it would hurt every time he hit my cervix (so basically, with deep thrusts). I actually even started enjoying my first time toward the end, though I do remember the general sensation was so bizarre that I had to make him stop halfway through sex so that I could go to the bathroom and pee. Even after that, for the rest of the time we were having sex (and for the next two or three times after), I always felt like I had to pee during sex. Weird.

Okay, first thing to explain is this: have you ever cut yourself on something? Like a small scratch on your arm? It might be closest to that.
For me, my boyfriend and I took forever to actually complete vaginal sex. We didn't force it and went slowly. I didn't even notice when it happened. It felt like mild discomfort and tightness, more than anything. Almost like a sore limb being stretched. Also, there's hardly any blood at all. You get about as much blood from the hymen tearing as you do from a bad scratch on your arm.
Also, "tearing," "ripping," and "breaking" make it sound way worse than it is. It's a very small tear in a small area of flesh. It's not a rending of physically humongous proportions.
I imagine that if you don't go slow, like my boyfriend and I did, it can be more painful, but I would imagine it being a painful cut, then, rather than a "bone-shattering rip" or something.

Oh, and from what I understand, it's a complete myth that you can rip your hymen by riding horseback or a bicycle. Do you have any idea how far inward the hymen is compared to where the outer labia rest? You'd have to jam the bike seat's tip or horse saddle's pommel INTO your vaginal canal for there to be any breaking of the hymen.
And it's extremely rare for it be broken from gymnastics, as I understand.
In other words, you simply cannot use sports as a reason for your character to be without a hymen. It rarely ever happens at all and isn't believable.

You can most definitely tear your hymen by sports, touching, tampons, etc.

Each girl's anatomy is completely different. Some girls are naturally going to be tighter than others. Some have their cervix mere inches from the opening, while for others the cervix can be more than 8 inches deep. Since we all have such different bodies and even appearances it is not reasonable to say the hymen is "very deep" inside - it can be for some, but for others it isn't.

I knew a girl who rode a bike and fell on the seat somehow funny (don't know the details), but she ended up needing stitches and from what I remember she was pretty sure her hymen was broken after that.

Wow thanks for all the responses everybody. I haven't even dated, let alone been intimate, so had no idea how to get her mother to explain things. I think my mum is waiting until I get a boyfriend before launching into that topic. Not exactly helpful.

I'm basing the setting on almost medieval England, complete with the Church and that women should be virgins when they marry. Purity and all that jazz. Bess (the character) hasn't had any intimate relations with a man. Imicke (her mother) would be furious (understatement), even though Imicke has had several flings with unmarried men.

The pain I felt the first time I had vaginal penetration was more akin to a burning sensation, and if the clitoris were stimulated directly (with a finger for example) she could feel pleasure even though she's still feeling the burning sensation. If the clitorial stimulation caused her walls to clamp down, it could result in a sharp pang of soreness. Like feeling pleasure but still feeling a bit of pain. It depends on how attentive her partner is to her experience.

For every girl it is a little different. I know for me it didn't hurt at all right away. It wasn't until afterwards that i felt any kind of pain. The pain that i did feel was more of a dull throbbing sensation but it went away withing a half hour or so afterwards.

The new phrasing is corona, not hymen. There is some good info about vaginal corona here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/my_corona_the_anatomy_formerly_known_as_the_hymen_the_myths_that_surround_it

My first time wasn't painful, really, much like others have described here with a brief tearing and such.

However, something that hasn't been touched on much here is bleeding. Some people bleed a lot their first time and some not at all. Any blood at all tends to freak a boy out, though, so it's something to keep in mind definitely.

It didn't hurt me, but it seems like lots of people don't do any penetration before sex. If she's wet (or they use lube), and he starts her with his fingers (and foreplay's generally a good thing anyway), I wouldn't think it should hurt.

If they just kiss and touch a bit and he penetrates her, I could see some pain.
It still hurts now if I'm tight and dehydrated, if that's not TMI.

I must say that my first time was very awkward and not at all romantic - though we tried music and candles and such. It's all about not knowing how hard to penetrate, trying to line stuff up perfectly...trying to keep the mood going when you're both afraid of not performing well. It's entirely possible to hit the wrong hole - though the woman will definitely stop you before you start entering it.

I'd say the pain is most similar to the soreness you experience in your muscles after your first workout in 6 months. It's sore. The more you use those muscles, the less painful it is.

Mother to daughter advice? Kegals. Lay a towel beneath you so there's no blood on the sheets. And tell him to go SLOW! And if the sex is too overwhelming to handle, get on your knees and use BOTH hands.

Anatomy can vary so much from woman to woman that this is a really tricky question. In my group of friends I have everything from people who've never felt any pain, to people who've been sexually active for years and it still hurts even when they go slow. So I suggest you pick one of the descriptions people here give you, mix more than one together or just go with what suits the story best - chances are the description will fit at least one woman's experience :)

As for asking her mother for advice... I guess the big thing to talk about would be the bleeding-part, if you're writing about a society that has a thing for virgins-until-marriage and have the 'hymen-permanently-breaks'-myth as part of their culture. Not all women bleed, not all hymen tear, and there's of course no way to tell if a woman is a virgin just by looking at the hymen, so there's no guarantee that she'll be able to 'prove' her virginity at all.

If proving that she's a virgin is important, one advice her mother could give her is to keep something sharp with her, so she can nick her own thigh in an emergency, so to speak, but this of course completely depends on the setting and relationships between your characters.

My ex-boyfriend ripped my hymen in a hand job and it didn't hurt - at least not at first. He insisted on stopping and I went to pee and Then it hurt. Go figure. It definitely wasn't the first time he had given me a hand job, though he had apparently intended to rip it before we had vaginal sex.

My first time having vaginal sex was boring. Two virgins probably aren't going to have magic happen.

My first time wasn't particularly painful (but I'd also been using tampons for years and touching myself)- I definitely gasped a little when my hymen tore but it was less from pain and more from... newness? That might be a way to describe it.