Top 5 Rules to Survive a Horror Movie/Book

My character is trying to think how to survive.

1. Never check to see if the monster is dead, just run.
2. Never go upstairs or down in the basement or into the dark woods.
3. Don't be a smartass.
4. It doesn't matter if you a virgin, you can die too. So run.
5. Don't trip...

What are yours?

A few that come to mind are:

- Never drop or put down the weapon you've just acquired
- Never wear high heels or any type of restrictive clothing that will hamper your attempts to get away
- Don't enter a house or building if the lights do not come on
- Always keep keys in your front pocket and trust them to no one
- When a paranormal expert offers suggestions, listen to them instead of shooing them out the door.

- TURN ON THE D***ED LIGHTS!!!
- Don't have sex in a car, in the woods, if either you or your S.O. are hot, in the neighbors house, if you're 25 or younger, or while you or your S.O. is babysitting.
- When you start beating the murderer to death, DON'T STOP UNTIL HE'S A MASS OF BLOOD AND BONE SHARDS!!
- Don't play with Ouija boards, mysterious books/scrolls containing latin/foreign-sounding curses, mirrors, etc.
- If a bunch of people in the quaint little town leading up to your new spooky house-in-the-woods tell you that no one's been up at the old Bronsen place since those terrible murders 50 years ago because everyone hears blood-curdling screams/sees lights/sees someone in the windows, LISTEN TO THEM!!
- Don't ever, not EVER, pick up hitch-hikers....no matter HOW hot he/she is!

(Ok, six. I'll limit myself to six. XD)

- Never assume the monster is dead... double-tap, at least.
- Never leave a weapon behind; even if you don't know how to use it, it prevents the bad guy from having it.
- Never go into the attic or basement, especially if you've heard strange noises or if you don't have a working light of any kind.
- If you do hear strange noises, LEAVE.

(I could only think of 4 that hadn't already been mentioned.)

Be young (at least preteen, the younger the better)
Don't be a hero
Don't do ANYTHING noteworthy (try not to even get named in the story)
Move away from town early, before the plot gets started
Be the narrator

-Don't ever tempt fate, like by saying 'What could possibly go wrong?'
-Don't ever get naked. EVER. Don't shower, don't have sex, don't even go to the bathroom. Okay, if you really need to, you can go to the bathroom, just take a weapon.
-When you call the police, don't ever say it's supernatural. Just say it's a murderer.
-Old ladies, small children, animals...ALWAYS LISTEN TO THEM.
-If you're a minority, please leave. They always save the white people for last.

1. If you run and try to look behind you, you will trip and fall.
2. Nothing is ever dead, unless it's one of your friends or family members.
3. Never look in the mirror. You won't like what you might see behind you.
4. Never say you'll be back- you won't.
5. Whatever electronically device you are using will inevitably die when you need it most, so don't count on it to save you.

1. If you drop the villain, remember the double tap. Then the triple tap. Then set him/her on fire. Then decapitate them. On the WAY OUT (Don't turn around to do this. If its this OR flee, then get away), be sure to run them over with your car.

2. Anything and everything can be used as a weapon. If you're hiding under a computer table from the murderer and he turns his back on you, pick up the tower and bash him in the head. Don't just keep hiding and hope to slip out the door. Odds are they already know you're there, they're screwing with you, and they don't expect you to truly fight back. Ever seen Home Alone? Basically do that until the murderer, monster, etc. is like 'screw this, he (or she) is crazy' and runs from your house.

3. Leave everything unlocked. The risk (someone getting into your house, car, etc.) is worth it when you consider how likely your keys are to randomly fail at unlocking something while you're fleeing from the big bad.

4. As others have said, never say 'I'll be right back', 'it's finally over', etc. Stop being an optimist. It's only going to get you killed.

5. You're far more likely to escape the onrushing zombie horde or similar evil if you stop for a moment, stab one of the people running with you in the leg, then keep going. Naturally you shouldn't do this to someone useful. But the skeptic and/or @$$hole character is generally expendable enough.

If you see a tall man in a suit without a face, it's already too late.

- The mask reoccurring is not a coincidence; don't treat it as such.
- Listen to the old man.
- Don't go to the woods. Oh wait, it doesn't matter if you go there or not.
- Don't provoke the poltergeist.
- Don't ride a horse in a haunted forest.

Don't assume ANYTHING is a coincidence. Ever.

Don't assume anything is dead, either.

Don't assume you're safe, or that anyone else is.

Just don't assume.

Don't walk into the dark house, without flipping on the light switch, walk timidly around, and call "Is anybody here?" Just grab a weapon and waltz right in, fully prepared to bash in the head of anyone and anything that might be lying in wait for you.

1) Never mock the serial killer/ghost/demon/monster/evil clown.

2) Never get into a fight with a fellow survivor and run off on your own to show them you're not scared or for whatever reasons you're feeling insecure.

3) Avoid any basements, attics, and old decrepit dark places in general at all costs.

4) Cardio for the inevitable chases, or make sure you keep someone out of shape nearby at all times.

5) Double tap. That super-secret ritual that was a guaranteed sure-fire way to kill the baddie almost never works, or at least the way you expect it to and it will definitely not kill it instantly.

1. If the bad guy's down, don't turn away, put down the weapon, and sigh in relief. He's probably not dead yet, just winged.
2. Always bring extra batteries, just in case.
3. Never try to show how brave you are, or how much you think the scared people are fools, by just waltzing into the dark, spooky place where the bad ass is supposed to be. You will be the first to die!
4. Never be a fat chick. They're among the first to die, and they can't run as fast.
5. Make sure there's always more than one exit.
6. Never split up to "cover more ground." That just lets the bad ass pick you off one by one.
7. And, as someone above said, never put down the weapon to go into the spooky, dark place alone.

1: More people = easier to spot. You will always last longer as a lone outlier than valued member of the group.
2: Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it can't see you. Think like a rat: use all your senses.
3: If you're going to summon monsters to see if your new monster-killing superweapon works, ensure an extensive testing procedure beforehand.
4: Not everyone knows what the hell they're talking about. Assume someone is an expert when they produce results, not when they speak confidently. Some people are just crazy; you'll be able to tell who when they die.
5: Never, ever bring anyone or anything you actually care about into known danger. If something happens to it, the morale loss might just be enough to trip your survival situation from uncertain to doomed.

1) Do not belong to any easily identifiable clique or peer group. The survivor is the ordinary boy or girl, never the goth, the jock, the cheerleader, the metal head, the punk, or the hippie stoner. these people are there to be killed off, often in ironic or faux ironic ways that relate to their group identity in some way. Be average to survive.

2) As much as it seems like tempting fate to be heroic, DO NOT be the coward. The coward never lives. If you must be the coward, at least be the useless coward, who only annoys the audience or even evokes sympathy, not the backstabbing coward who pisses everyone off. The latter coward usually gets a more gruesome death.

3) Any time you reach a milestone, especially if it's public or shared, like a graduation, prom, or town centennial, ask around among all the older people if anything noteworthy happened on or around that date locally. If they say something like "Oh, isn't it right around the day when the old lunatic asylum burned down?" LEAVE TOWN.

4) Have obnoxious friends, who are mean to you. You'll live, they won't. No fun in the sort run, but a long term survival investment for sure.

5) Do not take a shortcut. Do not leave the main highway for a scenic drive. Do not visit that small town. Do not stop for gas anywhere that doesn't have a convenience store that sells bad microwave burritos and has a corporate logo. If you are the typical city dwelling horror movie group, Rural America might as well be Mordor to you. Stay on the interstete and pass it by.

1) Keep a small group, but whatever you do, don't go alone. Large groups are easier to hit with big weapons.

2) (Like stated but primarily applies to my book) Don't go into attics. Or basements. But especially not either.

3) Stay in shape. Everyone knows it's harder to outrun someone when you have fifty-nine hamburgers stuffed under your belt.

4) (Somehow primarily applied to my book.) Don't get injured if you can help it.

5) (Again, applies to my book) Only trust the ghost child after he tells you his background story and you confirm it. Oh, and NEVER trust the psychic demon from another deminsion.

When you meet the extremely friendly, terribly helpful person that dismisses all of the horror nonsense and offers some form of help that will result in you being alone with him, shoot him in the head. He's actually the bad guy.

1) When someone is nice enough to warn you about ghostly activity/an escaped killer/old murders/etc., don't immediately brush them off as talking crazy, especially if they are old, young, or are in a mental hospital.

2) You don't have to open that mysterious locked door. No, really, you don't.

3) Always assume you will have to kill the villain twice.

4) Do not wait until things go from bad to worse to take action. Leave the house/skip town/perform the ritual/seek help from that person you totally brushed off earlier as being crazy.

5) Check the backseat *before* getting in your vehicle. There is probably someone waiting for you.

6) Expect the car to stall at the worst moment, the flashlight to go out, the cell phone to have no service, the key to not work, and the gun to jam.

1) For the sake of all that is unholy, if you're in a group, don't split up. I don't care why you think you need to--to search the creepy old house, to get items, whatever--just don't. You will be picked off one by one. Do everything together, even if the task would be accomplished must faster if you all went off in different directions.
2) If a house has been empty for years and years and whoever tries to move in soon leaves, there is probably a good reason for this, and this reason is probably sinister. Do not move in. If you are a child and your parents want to move in, do everything in your power to sabotage it. Being grounded is better than being possessed.
3) Do not depend on your cellphone or indeed anything electronic. It will crap out on you.
4) Electronics crapping out is not a sign of their bad manufacture. It is a sign of evil. Plan accordingly.
5) If a pet (be it cat, dog, bird, or llama) or a small child dislikes someone or something, it is not the pet or the small child being a dick. It means that whatever they don't like is evil and should be removed from your vicinity as soon as possible. If it is a house or similarly immovable thing, remove yourself. I don't care how inconvenient it is, being broke is better than being dead.

1) Don't follow strange noises or shadows in the dark. If the look or sound evil, they probably are.
2) Don't obligingly walk into the little old lady's house and happily sip tea and eat cake with her. No matter how lovely and gentle she may look, she's really not.