Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thegirlbartleby — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 08:30:30 -0400

Other genre forums usually have this, so here goes! Leave a critique for the synopsis of the person above you, and wait for somebody to come critique yours.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ad_meliora — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 11:45:41 -0400

So my novel is a combination of lit fic and magical realism. Basically two young best friends discover a way to "travel" between a series of infinite worlds and universes. They grow up together with plenty of families falling apart and societal pressure on the two girls, and then, when they're in college, one of them disappears into the parallel worlds and doesn't come back. It follows her through her endless wanderings in a series of worlds- some symbolic, some downright ridiculous, some magical, while also following the world she abandoned, and the consequences her disappearence has on her best friend and both of their families.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

bibliosylph — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:12:25 -0400

I think you're just supposed to click on the name above yours, and critique what they put in their novel profile, then the next person does the same to you. (But please excuse me from the exercise; I'm perfectly content playing in my characters' worlds whether or not they meet general approval. ;-) )

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

mattdemotts — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:24:45 -0400

@ad_meliora: I like the premise. It's really original, and there's a lot of different things you could work into the concept of infinite universes. The ability to use all of these different universes with all of their weird variations should make a great backdrop. Just remember to keep a strong emphasis on characterization, although from your description it sounds like you'll be doing that often. I would definitely enjoy reading it. Alright, I think I just leave my name and then the person below me will click on it, right? Of course I'm right.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Shem-the-Penman — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 13:26:18 -0400

mattdemotts, I like the sound of your project! I'm a sucker for family sagas set against the political and artistic backdrop of our times. These characters seem very complicated already. It should be exciting to develop them and make us feel their desperation, and work the concerns of the day into the proceedings as well. Best of luck! -Shem

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

MutableTiger — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 14:41:39 -0400

Shem: I'm really digging the historical fiction genre that you're running with and the fact that you got some quasi-quantum timeline concepts going on has me totally intrigued...based on your synopsis (or if it were on a back-cover) I'd totally pick that book up! Would be interested in reading the first run through. -Mutable

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ThreePatchProblem — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:14:49 -0400

@MutableTiger I am fascinated by the idea of loving "correctly". The age-old themes of 2nd chances, redemption, forgiveness, and self-discovery seem to ripple through the whole idea. It sounds like it is meant to be an uplifting tale. You have microlevel conflicts of personal relationships and introspection, but I'd like to know more off the bat about the apocalyptic environment and why and how he's trapped in a crumbling building. How does the world deteriorate so much in 9 years? Where does he hear the rumor, or from whom? I'd be interested to know if there's many people trapped with him, or just his strangely familiar caretaker. Would the apocalyptic society forget a hospice full of people? Clearly, you've got my interest peaked!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thegirlbartleby — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:38:50 -0400

@ ThreePatchProblem -- looks like a really interesting concept! I love magical realism (which is what this seemed to be, at least to me). The part about killing time confused me slightly (if the character *is* time, does that mean in killing time she kills herself?) but otherwise it made sense. I'd definitely be interested in seeing how you'd develop this story into an actual novel.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Broreale — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:41:06 -0400

@thegirlbartleby I'm very much drawn in by the synopsis you have. There are plenty of cues that rouse interest in Will's character, which is great since it seems the novel will be primarily exploring his complexities (at least on the surface). The characters surrounding Will could also be fascinating, from what little you've said of them. I'm left with questions, but they all seem to be ones you might expect from interested readers: What sparks Vicky's more in-depth interest in Will's past? What brought Will to commit suicide WITH Vicky in the car? And how are all the other lives involved with Will connected with each other? I'm glad that you seem eager to turn the mood from simple mourning to perhaps a mix of that and mystery, or something else, or a million different feelings.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

MutableTiger — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 09:58:37 -0400

@Broeale Very intrigued by the "independence-seeking" men that literally sprout out of the ground - metaphorical I'm certain, but still a very fascinating visual. I do love the conflict of a nation that is focusing on matter "thousands of miles away" and yet oblivious to the turmoil on their own soil - I think this really strikes a chord on many levels to societal/militant contradiction - especially in terms of "divided/conflicting interests" -- that makes the "duty" of the singular man who must "stop" it all, that much more desperate - and realistically, a very "soul-shaking" task. Fascinated!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

mattdemotts — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 16:11:18 -0400

@MutableTiger: Seems like an interesting concept. Waking up from a coma and having to adjust to an entirely new time period makes for its own drama, but with the added post-apocalyptic stuff it seems like it will have even more than usual. I'd definitely check out the openings of 28 Days Later and The Walking Dead for ways to introduce such scenarios. Make sure that you delve into the psychological issues that are almost guaranteed to arise from the setting. The whole idea where he's tracking down his children in this landscape seems like it would be a lot of fun to write and read, and I'm sure it'll wind up being great. Just avoid cliches and focus on characterization, and it should be good.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Badly Drawn Girl — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:21:01 -0400

Matt, I really like your synopsis, lots of interesting characters each with their own issues to deal with and lots to contribute to the story. The interactions between them will also be interesting, I think there will be lots of potential for clashes and character development and subplots. I also love books that move around in time and between different perspectives so I like the sound of those elements too. Overall sounds really intriguing! The only thing I didn't get was the references at the end, but that's just me. :p

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

omgitsviva — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 20:32:20 -0400

@Badly Drawn Girl: I feel your synopsis is a little bit bare, but I like the premise of it. Many of us have had experiences similar, meeting up again with a long lost friend. It's certainly an interesting interaction to write about as the characters explore the familiarity of their relationship with an entirely different, probably remote, spin. I think, if put together right, this novel could be incredibly exciting, funny, insightful, and an overall delightful read; however, I was not really hooked by the synopsis at all. To be honest, it wouldn't be a book I would pick off the shelf to take home with me. The synopsis really didn't allude to any conflict, character growth, or anything really save for two girls meeting back up after a few years. I would suggest expanding your synopsis a little more to grab the reader's attention. What makes their new encounter so interesting? What struggles will they find? Will they still like eachother? I would like to read something that makes your plot a plot and not just an idea. All in all, I think you have a great base here, but I think your synopsis could really use some filling out, if you will. This novel has a lot of potential and I would love to read more in to your thoughts regarding how the novel is going to play out. Great job!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ianthe — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 21:22:39 -0400

@omgitsviva: i really like how you have showed the premise and general feel for your novel. The character seems very interesting, and I love how you created a clear image even from the tiny tidbit you gave us. What I think you really did to focus on is the specifics: What are your main plot points? (I understand this is LitFIc, but there's got to be something...) What makes your novel special? What do you want people to get out of it? Focus on the unique things, and try to be clear in your explanation. You also might want to introduce a few more minor characters, just for some perspective. I think you have a really good start, and this sounds like a story I would like to read. Just focus on the specifics of what makes your novel special, and your golden :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

omgitsviva — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 21:33:22 -0400

Thanks for the critique! That was really helpful! I've always been atrocious at writing synopsis (What should I include!? What shouldn't I!?), so, I'll definitely be running with your ideas. (: Cheers!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thegirlbartleby — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:11:18 -0400

@lanthe - your story definitely has the unique factor, which is so important. I'm definitely intrigued as to your world and the ramifications of teenagers being adults and adults being children. I also like how you set out Bee's main conflicts right from the start, giving a feel for her character. I would've been interested in learning a little more detail as to her relationship with Leo and how his problems are more real (I'm a bit obsessed with details), but otherwise that was a great synopsis. Happy writing! The Girl Bartleby

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

pkilkelly — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:39:23 -0400

@thegirlbartleby - love the mystery and the carefully rebuilding of a personality and history. I hope the revelation lives up to the suspense. The detail of the crash in the snow storm is great. From that and the quote from the suicide note I feel a stark desperation immediately. That's a good tone to keep pages turning. Reminds me a bit of one of my favorite novels: Dan Choan's "Await Your Reply". In that the payoff at the end was the connection of seemingly unconnected characters and events and wow was it a great punch in the gut. It seems that Vicky only knows one side of Will and what she learns from his friend and family presents many new facets of his character. This is a fun challenge: create a multi-faceted character piece by piece through the recollections of those he was closest to, or at least those who thought they were close to him... Good luck! Look forward to reading more.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thegirlbartleby — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:47:15 -0400

** Skip me! it's pkilkelly's turn^ ** @ pkilkelly - thanks. This totally random, but 'Await Your Reply' has been on my must read list for a while. I'm definitely going to have to read it now. Thanks for the (possibly unintentional) recommendation :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

pkilkelly — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:52:54 -0400

Oh it's an intentional recommendation. I recommend that book to everyone I meet.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Badly Drawn Girl — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 03:50:19 -0400

Thanks! That's really useful feedback, I was struggling with what to include in the synopsis so this is really helpful in picking out what information to add! I really hope I've got enough interesting stuff to meet the potential that you think the premise has. Thanks for the encouragement! :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

TheZazzMan — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 05:57:39 -0400

@pkilkelly I like it, it feels like a winter read, something to work your way through and take in. I think what interests me most is the element of a journey here. I'd be interested to see how the characters and their relationships develop as they go from NY up to Canada. I seems like there's a lot of room for development and growth. I got to tell you I don't think I would be game enough to put something like this together, It seems very direct and dependent on clear path for your characters. It sort of makes me think of some of Don DeLillo's stuff, but of course you can't really make any comparison from a synopsis. I'm sure it'll be great though, the potential is there for a really enthralling character driven story. Happy writing!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Shem-the-Penman — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 06:15:54 -0400

pkilkelly, I'm intrigued by the story of urban alienation and social decay you're writing in I Know A Place. Having a young daughter myself, the thought of Mena and her dad becoming closer through this journey resonates with me. The one thing I'm wondering is how precocious you can realistically make Mena seem: ten is a little young for a modern-day Candide wandering through Manhattan. But your concept of merging reality and imagination in this narrative has got real exciting potential. Good luck! -Shem PS. Interesting to hear you're a Yo La Tengo fan. I used to see them a lot in Boston clubs in the 80's. As anyone unlucky enough to have been a passenger in my Oldsmobile in that era could testify, Ira Kaplan was my guitar god.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

pkilkelly — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 10:46:23 -0400

Thanks Shem. I'm rethinking Mena's age, will probably adjust a bit once I get her voice down. Thanks for the feedback. Looking forward to getting started. I like your synopsis too. Reminds me of Neal Stephenson's "Crytonomicon" a bit. As for YLT I was lucky enough to catch them live for the first time in NJ last month after listening only to their albums. I'm now completely hooked and praying they do another Hanukkahpalooza soon in Hoboken.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ghk1962 — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 11:46:11 -0400

Ok, going to critique 2 here, as it appears 2 people did a critique on the previous. TheZazzman ~ This sounds a TOTALLY quirky book and the very type I would pick up at the bookstore. I loved the line, "His house is starting to sink into the ground." Not only is it metaphorically foreshadowing things to come, but it also appears as if it is literally happening in the story. Way cool. Shem-the-Penman I like the concept going on. And it sounds like a LOT is going on. Is this going to be a mix of factual history mixed in with Aram's adventures? It sounds as if you've plotted and thought this though a lot already. I have a feeling that as the cris-crossing of characters continues throughout the story, that it somehow all ties in at the end. And if you read back after reading the ending, you'd somehow find the subtle clues as to the tie-ins. And...who wouldn't want to read a story where there are pubs involved!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Fiona W — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:43:14 -0400

Hi Greg! I very much like the simplicity of your novel idea—that there are just two main characters, Henry and this mysterious, maybe even dead, friend Edward and just one line of discovery propelling the plot. That's very much in the spirit of a NaNo first-time experience, where you get to enjoy the pleasure of creation because there's a big element of making it up as you go along, following the story along with your protagonist, eager to see what's around the next bend in the trail. I couldn't help noticing that both Henry and Edward have the same short E sound as in your own name. =smile= That makes me wonder if they each will be parts of you, with Edward perhaps playing the role of the darker, untamed side of Greg/Henry. I'm curious to know whether the setting is going to be in Hawaii—since that is your own ”old neighborhood"—and if so, on which of the islands. In trying to imagine your book in my head, I saw a lot of talking and not much action: if that is indeed the case, be sure to include plenty of description of the setting & of the places where these characters are meeting—and if it's in Hawaii, you'll have plenty of opportunity to flesh out their interactions with the natural environment as well as with each other. Be sure to include an arc of changes in Henry as a major part of the book, not just revelations about Edward—I'm sure you will. In case you haven't guessed it, I hope it will be in Hawaii, a place (especially windward Oahu) I dearly love. A Hawaiian setting would make a strong selling point, because even now, Hawaii is an exotic environment that most of your readers will not be familiar with—especially the parts of Hawaii that tourists don't know, and you do, like the seedier side of the cities. Just a thought.... I look forward to reading your book some day! It's actually just the sort of book I like to read—wherever the setting.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Egotista — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 18:47:37 -0400

Hi Fiona. First i must say sorry about my english. It is not my natural language. I pretty much love this kind of history. It takes lots of self knowledge to do a novel based in your own life (although i truly believe that every character and history is part of us in some way. At least, must of the writers I know do some kind of terapic writing. In fact, that what make me get involved in litfic. But enough about me). Also its very brave of you to do so, specially with some delicate topics that you mentioned. I think that all i can say to you is that i hope you enjoy the experience, that you find out something about this amazing person who survived all this intense moments that brings more knowledge to yourself about that complicated relationship between persona and life. I must say that the "girl dealing with life problems" made me think about chick lit, but before the end of the text i was shore that it was not the case. Good luck with NaNo. I can say that i would buy and read a story like your.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

grenouille — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 21:56:26 -0400

@Egotista Hi! I really like your plot, especially the fact that they go out as animals. I'm curious whether the animals are somehow related to the personalities of the characters. It sounds really interesting, you have the important element of the story (the arrival of the Monkey) and the path the plot is going (whether they are caught or not). I didn't quite understand the part with the Monkey (about the consequences of telling them), but that might be the language problem, not a plot problem :) Sounds like a book I'd read to me.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Kentridge202012 — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 01:30:57 -0400

@ grenouille Hey, I read your synopsis - Paloma's journey of self-discovery and identity sounds very compelling, particularly all those unknown elements that keep impinging on her life. I particularly like the idea of her past being something better left forgotten. I'd be interested to see how you develop some of the mysterious relationships you mention. Best of luck with the novel!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ghk1962 — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 10:12:12 -0400

Heya Fiona ~ Heh, I am soooo new at this writing thing. I'm pretty convinced that even with all these ideas floating in my head that they'll all come out in a 5,000 word blast in a few days and then I'll think, "now what?" But I don't mind . . . its just kind of exciting knowing I will be trying this. As for setting. When I first started this the setting was indeed going to be back in Hawaii. But gonna have to disappoint you. Sorry! After thinking on it for a week I decided that it would be distracting for me to either: 1) write in the local pidgin english...and have to figure out if translating for the reader is needed, or 2) write without the pidgin english dialect ... and have it drive me crazy to have people converse in a way I know they would not. That was actually the sole reason for not choosing Hawaii as the setting. However, I think I may try it on a future novel if NaNo leads me to write more :-) And if I do write about something with a Hawaii setting, then I'll keep in mind that the setting will somewhat be a character as well. I hadn't thought of that until you mentioned having the people characters interact with the natural environment. As for the seedier side of Hawaii...the neighborhood I grew up in was just one of those places! When we go back, my family drives us around the neighborhood so they can play "guess the gender" with my wife as we whiz by the transvestite prostitutes! (How's that for an image?!?!?!) And . . . that Henry and Edward and me . . . all have the short "e" sound . . . coincidental. Or is it? Hmmmm, is my subconscious at play? But you've certainly picked up on the mood of what I was going for. Is Edward even alive? The dark side of a person. Yup, yup. Either my synopsis did what I wanted . . . or I am being too see-throughy in my description! I have no objection to letting someone read what I write after I finish and get it cleaned up :-) So far, I have been beyond geek-like in my efforts to plan. I have been researching things that I know will be in my story, things that may be in my story, and things I know will not be in the story but that would b good for me to know about as insight into why my characters are the way they are. I have about 4+ pages of what I call a sequencing plan, with ideas of what could be happening...but with mostly questions to myself about things. Anyway, thanks for the critique...and based on my response just now, maybe I can write a bit more than 5,000 words!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

mattdemotts — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 17:26:59 -0400

@Kentridge: I would really enjoy reading this. The whole thing has a ton of potential. If I were you, I wouldn't focus exclusively on families within the border zone. I would include some people on the two different sides of the border, just to get a fuller understanding of the entire conflict from all viewpoints. It's cool that you're drawing in all these different border conflicts as inspirations. If the zone you're writing about is sort of post-apocalyptic, I would definitely recommend reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road or playing one of the Fallout games, as they offer a great look into that sort of world. Overall though, I think the concept is a great jumping off point, and you'll do well by it.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

mjh2395 — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 23:06:02 -0400

@Mattdemotts First off, I love that you're writing about Minneapolis, being a native and resident and myself. I'm actually really intrigued by your story - the mental issues (the bipolar disorder, the neuroses and self-doubt of the son) are the kind of thing that I, and I'm sure many other readers, find fascinating. I love that you're planning to take a kind of serious concept and make it humorous. Your synopsis totally sounded like the kind of book I would choose to pick up and read. You could do so much with this, and I think it could be a really engrossing read. Best of luck!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

astoryof — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 23:46:22 -0400

Hello mjh2395! I instantly feel incredibly connected to stories likes yours as they tend to be very personal. I'm already curious if Denny will come out to his family / friends, what his emotional turmoil will be and how his relationship with Lars will progress. I see it having endless possibilities even if you were only focusing on Denny's emotions, however it seems like you're going to have it jam packed with other awesome conflicts (like murder). This one part was a bit confusing for me (maybe I'm reading it wrong?) "A quest for inner peace and common sense, romance, fight scenes, classic literary references, and even murder." Is the story about a quest for these things or is a quest for the first two things and just features the rest? Hopefully that makes sense. Best of luck!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

mjh2395 — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:10:25 -0400

Thank you for pointing out that last part, I see how it can be confusing. Funny how things can make sense in your head and once you put them down on paper (or internet wall space) they don't quite make sense anymore. I will fix that. Thank you!

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fastfeet — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:13:12 -0400

@astoryof I always love stories with a quirky character that is on the path to self discovery, because I think we can all relate to that need to know about ourselves and how the world works. I especially like the part, "She slowly starts to drifts further away from tangibility..." because I'm curious if we're going to see the slow mental degradation of the character. It sounds really interesting and I'd love to know where this is going. The only one problem is that I'm still not quite certain of exactly what its going to be about. Is it more about her self discovery after meeting the photographer or is that only a small part? Is it going to focus on June trying to decide whether to search for him and then the search?

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

astoryof — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:28:43 -0400

I am the queen of only making sense in my own head, so I know exactly what you mean.

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Jenny_1981 — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:31:26 -0400

@fastfeet I'm very intrigued by your synopsis. It sounds like the kind of book I would like to read. I also love the name of your MC. I'm already very curious to read what happens to Elliot and how she might save the ones who are helping her.

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Uboa — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 01:09:26 -0400

@Jenny The idea of a talk show host is interesting, and the implied tragedy will be both powerful and intriguing, and I can definitely see how it can be both a page turner and a piece of lit fiction. I feel bad for the girl already, and I know nothing about them.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

astoryof — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 01:09:53 -0400

Thank you so much for that feedback fastfeet. When I write, my main struggle is connecting things in a way that other's will understand. Also, I was really challenged to decide on a focus of the story (I just liked the idea of it haha). So you're point of not knowing what will happen really helps me. Thanks so much! The main focus will be the journey. Of course, the development of her bond with this man and how he shows her his world will be a big part of it. However, I want her self discovery & struggle to keep herself in this reality while on this journey to be the main focus. I'll see what I can do to get the synopsis to reflect that.

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Lucien Jay — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 02:52:33 -0400

@Uboa I really like how you are tackling the issue of "Is everything actually better in America?" I love that time period of immigration, and even though I am mainly American, I love to see how other cultures view us and even tear us down for our ridiculousness sometimes. I would definitely read it! (Haha, I'm kind of scared of anyone looking at my synopsis. I hope it's LitFic and that it doesn't sound *too* boring. I didn't really want to spoil anything...)

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Piecesofserendipity — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 11:47:48 -0400

@Lucien Jay Boring? How is that boring? Honestly, I love it and it definitely sounds interesting. You have a very unique and interesting take on the whole 'arrange marriage' thing. If you properly explore cultural differences, loneliness and apathy, letting your main character grow, it will be an excellent piece of literature. The synopsis is very good (a bit detailed) but leaves me wanting to know more! Please stop calling Aurelius a boy though. To me, it just feels a lot more wrong with that - like the father is selling an innocent little boy. He's a man. And just because something is very descriptive and detailed, doesn't mean you have to write very formally and old-fashioned. I do it all the time and I really need to stop it. It's so easy to write formally, but would that fit your character, a male teenager? I love the style of The Catcher in the Rye for that. I don't know enough about your novel though. I hope that made sense/helped!

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sockpuppeter — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 13:30:42 -0400

@ Lucien Jay Hello, fellow NaNoer! I like the idea of, of all things, a debate team being the one bright spot in a character's life. It's unique ad easy to be trivialized but can also mean so much. There are a few questions that the synopsis left me with, though that I feel could be explained within the synopsis. How did Tulip spin out of control? Who sent her to the Highlands? What is a reflective self-destruction? Her friend could also use a bit of elaboration. A name, at least, so as to have a certain way for the reader to identify the character when he/she shows up. Good luck! :3

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s.m.keene — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 17:11:43 -0400

@sockpuppeter Very interesting, even just from a technical aspect. What will the narrative style be? Will it be in first-person, but with a different tone for each alter ego Sunday embodies, as the events unfold? This sounds like it has infinite potential to grab at the reader's sympathies. I could see it working a few different ways from your 'teaser' synopsis: maybe she finds others with her symptoms, and her personality warms their hearts and brings them comfort, so that she is more than just 'kittenish?' Maybe as her condition debilitates, she is unable to maintain her grasp on reality? I think that the character is going to be so endearing that no matter what happens to her, good or bad, not every eye that reads this will stay dry. One thing I was slightly confused with, although maybe this is the hook of the novel and I am supposed to wait to find out: is her condition physical and unrelated to her games, or is she suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder? The last paragraph makes it sound like her loss of her 'real' identity is a consequence of her choice to stay in these other worlds, so I'm thinking it's the former.

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Jenjer — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 18:57:44 -0400

@s.m.keene Wow, I want to read your finished novel! As I was reading your synopsis, my mind flashed to images of the bleak, environmentally-ravaged small towns painted in books such as Silent Spring and When Smoke Ran Like Water. These themes are powerful and some recent novels have incorporated similar ideas, like Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. Also, it's so politically relevant. I think that one of your challenges will really be to bring this up to the "next sphere" narratively, really leveraging your characters and their development, and not letting it fall into just being a political and environmental thriller, although it would probably be an exciting read whichever way it happens! I think that this multi-generational issue of the parents and kids having different experiences, and maybe growing up under different circumstances, could add to the overall themes (such as the idea that parents want to leave a better world for their kids, and that kids who haven't experienced a different/prior lifestyle or world don't have the same frame of reference that their parents have).

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Invisibly-Visible — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 19:51:21 -0400

@Jenjer Wow. That synopsis went in an entirely different direction than I was imagining when I started reading it. A good, interesting, exciting direction that is. There's something fascinating about grief and the way it can lead people to do different things. When I first read the word 'murders' I was shocked and for a moment I thought it was a little out there. And then I realized that grief can lead people to do shocking things. As long as you focus on showing the effects of grief and sadness on the women's minds and the way it has almost contaminated them, it will not seem all that unlikely. That and really focus on the way the one woman gain's their allegiance: what does she say to get them to follow her and how does she convince them that murder is the best solution? I'm very, very interested by this. Good luck!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

xbluberriesncremex — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 21:47:02 -0400

@Invisibly-Visible: One of the things I really like about your synopsis is that it gives us not only a taste of your MC's thoughts and feelings, but also a little bit of humor- which I really love. It goes to show that you're able to not only work well with the more serious and complicated aspects involved in a novel, but also the lighthearted parts that life truly does require. It definitely sounds like a great read about an individual trying to adjust to change and the natural course of events that will lead him to where he really wants to go. I think some challenges in the novel would definitely be trying to keep your characters quirky yet realistic, dynamic and in depth, and maintaining the importance of the MC's surroundings. You worked in a lot about how he dislikes/hates France (which I can't understand why! :D ), so definitely would be a good idea to show how, if at all, his viewpoint changes from the beginning, during, and end of the novel. Descriptions of his surroundings, the people, the places, throughout the novel, and how he feels about it will keep that aspect consistent in the MC's story. I think you have the workings of an awesome novel in your hands, so have fun and good luck!! :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Invisibly-Visible — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 21:51:24 -0400

Thank you! I'll be sure to keep that all in mind as I write. In fact, I'm off to make a little note of all that to myself, Thank you very much.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Lumynescence — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:35:55 -0400

@xbluberriesncremex, Wow, yours certainly seems very fascinating. I'm wondering how a hospital will begin to pose these effects on the girl, and what kinds of mental changes she will go through. This has the potential to turn into something very good. I'm curious! Keep me posted on your writing. :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ghk1962 — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 02:29:25 -0400

I agree with Invisibly-Visible...the first part went one direction...then it radically shifted. That is either incredibly twisted...or a stroke of genius. I am thinking the latter. That was a very intriguing direction. The synopsis I am reading are varied and some are absolutely original and makes you think, "hmmm...I would definitely read that." Yours falls into that category.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

J_S_C — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 02:49:06 -0400

Title: X and Y Synopsis Mystery Clarke is a woman who at the age of sixteen found that she had congenital androgen insensitivity. She is genetically XY (male), but has the breasts and external genitals of a woman. This causes her to question her sexuality. She runs in a cyclical dilemma of genetics versus physical characteristics. Should she be attracted to men because she looks like a woman or should she be attracted to woman because she is genetically male. Through the course of this conflict, her father abandons her as he is unable to deal with the reality of her new situation. Their relationship meets an early breaking point when her father, upon the death of her brother in a sporting event, tells her that he would have preferred that it were she that had died instead of her brother Brandon. This callousness leads Mystery's mother to divorce her father and soon mother and daughter make their way in the world. Early on in Mystery's sexual discovery, she starts a relationship with a high school friend called Heather. Their's is a relationship with the naivete and inexperience of young love and seems to be more flirtation than actual emotional love. It is Mystery's reluctance to say the words, I love you, that causes Heather to sleep with a person she met in the play. This betrayal puts Mystery in a depression that borders on suicide. Time heals all wounds and the wound that Heather opened in Mystery heals and allows the two to explore their sexuality together slowly but culminating in the act of sex itself. Time passes and other get the hint of Mystery's strange sexual condition. Darcy, a bitch, posts elicit pictures of Mystery over the school and Heather resorts to barbarism in defense of her lover. Heather is threatened with assault and battery, but Mystery's mother comes to the rescue and prevents any negative legal actions. Mystery and Heather part ways for college, both vowing to stay in a relationship, but it is a vow that Heather breaks. Mystery tries to make a clean break from Heather and pursues other romantic relationships with both med and women. After several failed relationships, Mystery attends cullinary school in New York and meets the son of the man she works for, Donovan. She tells him of her condition and unlike earlier relationships, he is not taken aback by the her syndrome. He tells her that as a doctor he has seen worse. The two get married and stay that way for years. His parents constantly ask about grandchildren, and the two tell them that they are working on it. Mystery reflects on how normal her life is with the exception of children. It is then that she get a visit from the police and learns that her husband was shot and killed in the hospital while attending a patient. Another period of depression (although not as severe as the first) ensues and Heather--at Mystery's mother's request--shows up at Mystery's door. In an interesting turn of fate, Mystery learns of Heather's drug addiction and ties the former lover to the bed and performs an unwilling detox. This detox opens up bitter feeling and Mystery learns that Heather got married as well to try to forget the hurt that she did to Mystery years earlier. What starts out as bitterness in the detox turns into love and respect. Heather realizes that she has the potential to screw things up as soon as she gets near them because of her impulsiveness and Mystery learns that she holds grudges for far too long. Mystery after learning of the insurance policies that her deceased husband took out, sells their house and gives the money to her in-laws and goes on a trip of culinary and self discovery down the eastern seaboard. When she is finished, she returns home and decides to open a bakery. The cycle of normalcy returns when she opens the bakery. Heather and her start a romance again that resembles the one that they started in high school. Heather insists that Mystery is not a mistress, that her husband is the mistress. Mystery's brain tells her that this is wrong, but her heart tells her that this is the course that she must take at the moment, and since she has been listening to her head for so long, she lets her heart take lead. Ten years pass. Heather becomes pregnant and loses the child and eventually Heather leaves her husband after she realizes that he had been cheating on her (an irony that Mystery presents but is ignored). Heather and Mystery after nearly fifteen years have started where they should have been already. The last event is the death off Mystery's father. He has not attempted to contact her, but with his nearing demise, he insists on reconciling with her, but she refuses. He dies several hours before she comes to the conclusion that she should be the better person and tell him that she forgives him. She learns that he has left her his bakery and when she inspects it, it is a shrine to her and everything that she had done. This makes her want to honor him, so she decides to write a giant cookbook in his honor but is told that it would be impossible to get it published as she was a culinary nobody. Not having her spirit broken, she starts entering national competitions and auditioning for Food Network shows. She starts to win, get the notoriety necessary for publishing and gets the book published. So, yeah that is my synopsis. I believe it is a true synopsis and not a long pitch. I apologize for the fact that I did not comment on the one previous, but there is nothing more that I could add to that. --JSC

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

TAMiller — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 05:00:27 -0400

I did two cause the person above me didn't read the entire thread @ Lumynescence sounds very intresting a bit of a thriller. I'm hooked I want to know what happened to the parents to drive them apart and am intrested in the two young girls trapped in the basement and the freindship and dependence which forms between them. @ JSC it feels like I have read this before although that is not neccessarily a bad thing. First of all try and summarize this so you might be happy seeing it on the back of your forthcoming novel. It sounds intresting. Second its obviouslly a book about relationships, famly and love but from this it all seems a bit lovey dovey the only real conflict is when Mystery is in school discovering herself. My novel is listed as sci-fi although I am really strugling to classify it probably lit-fic magic realism

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Jenjer — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:54:57 -0400

Both of you, thanks for the comments! I just had brunch with a friend who had some great new added twists and insights into the plot... so I am definitely cooking up some ideas in preparation to start writing tomorrow :) Good luck to you both!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

MutableTiger — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:09:33 -0400

@TAMiller: Ok, I'm curious - your synopsis literally leaves the entire novel WIDE open for ANYTHING to happen and I kind of love that...although, there's no obvious conflict, but enough of a teasing taste of what might/could/should happen, that I'd most likely pick up the book and walk right out the door with it. :) So is the fantastical lands/adventure a huge metaphor for the world outside of his mundane existence, or is it all quite literal?

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

The Pelican Maze — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 14:07:23 -0400

@ MutableTiger: I'm something of a fan of symbolism and allegory, but I'm not sure what will connect the apocalyptic backdrop and the coma scenario with the themes of divorce, betrayal and self-destruction. I'd be interested to see what device you use. Also, I advise taking care with the details of the apocalyptic backdrop, because there have been many stories and movies through the years that have used this sort of environment. Good luck.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

TerminalVerbosity — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:42:55 -0400

@The Pelican Maze - Signs & Symbols sounds like a complex and compelling story! You've brought lots of different socio-economic/political elements into the plot (very appropriate given what's going on with the Euro right now) but have personalized it by having the two main characters in the story represent opposing sides of the debate. You've got a lot of detail in the synopsis, but it's not overly long and it draws the reader in, so I'd say you've done a great job. I'd love to read it when it's finished!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

theindefiniteone — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:23:19 -0400

@TerminalVerbosity Short and straight to the point. You were able to summarize it without having to put in long and intricate details, but it isn't too vague. There's the sense of repetition with the way you describe it (if I compare it to the usual descriptions of LitFic and "indescribable" works), but it works well. The last line is the one that's supposed to draw you in, and it works. It drew me in and I want to know what these questions are and why she doesn't have them.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

theindefiniteone — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:23:55 -0400

Questions and answer. Not just questions. I'm sorry about that.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

iymcool — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:27:42 -0400

@theindefiniteone: I love the idea of basing something off of Babel. The changing personalities and discovering of a society that is vastly different that previous characters is intruiging. I would hope that you would flesh out a bit why the Librarian is living the solitary life and how the girl meets him? I'm getting a bit of a dystopian/post-apacolyptic vibe from the world the Librarian lives in prior to entering the other one.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thegirlbartleby — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 14:51:04 -0400

@iymcool - well if that isn't genuine, intellectual lit-fic I don't know what is. The premise of your novel sounds very unique and I love that. I would be very interested to see how you developed all of the different countries and how the inhabitants would be different from one another, especially if there were elements of prejudice/nationalism amongst the different psychological groups. The only thing I would alter would be to have Evelyn play more of a central role. At this point, it seems, at least from the synopsis, almost as if she's something of a tourist in her own story - studying a world around her without necessarily participating. Could she become involved with a particular group of people who try to convert her to their own point of view? Be ostracized and banned from her country for leaving? To me, the higher the character's stakes in what happens, the higher my interest is going to be. It looks like a really promising premise, I'd be interested to see where it goes from this. Happy writing! The Girl Bartleby

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

HayashiOkami — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:52:46 -0400

@thegirlbartleby: That first line is a compelling one. It drew me in, forced me to read it a second time, and leaves a hanging question as to why and how this relates to Will's suicide- and later, how this can tie in with the people from his past. Closure is something people need, especially after such a traumatizing event, so it's easy to relate. Also, why a snowstorm? Why did Will commit suicide with his girlfriend present? Most people I assume, would not wish to burden their loved ones with that trauma. Another theme of discovery of the truth and of oneself, but a compelling one.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

uponatyme — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:52:25 -0400

@HayashiOkami I think it has potential but it does need a little more structure. I like how you lure the reader in, giving a short background, naming some of the quirky characters, and ending with a sense of uncertainty. But I think there is a difference between being vague for spoilers-sake and just being vague. If I were to pick up a book and read that synopsis on the back, I'm not sure if I would have any idea of what the book is about. Don't be afraid to tell the reader a little more! You gotta give a little before you take (their money!) =P

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

BaKa-NEKO — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:18:42 -0400

uponatyme: At first I was wary of your plot, not because it was bad but because it wasn't quite my cup of tea, but when I reached the "mass abandonment" bit, I was hooked. I ended up reading your excerpt, which really says everything about how effective your synopsis is. Since I don't really have much of anything else to say about the synopsis, I'll say that your excerpt is fantastic. I love how real your protagonist feels, especially how gritty (Not quite the right word, but you know) and modern her word choice and sentence structure is. Great work. I would definitely read this novel.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Spark Impatient Machine — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:58:01 -0400

@BaKa-NEKO I like that you can describe a boring life with such interesting language. I also like the idea of human relationships in virtual reality, and being presented with the choice between a horrible "real" and a fantastical "unreal." If you can't tell, I'm a sucker for literary genre fiction, so the sci-fi elements really get me. I was a little iffy about the "stuck in virtual reality" bit, but it sounds like you're doing it really well.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

TheDaemonicProtaginstOfYore — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 03:47:23 -0400

I like it, the whole 'this is not a love story' direction is enticing, as is the mystery surrounding. Very interesting. Makes me think of Rammstein lol ("This is not a love song", line from Amerika).

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

MKDthewriter — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:05:17 -0400

@TheDaemonicProtaginstOfYore Interesting! I'm definitely loving the second two scenarios, the robot love affair and the man-who-sees-visions. I am intrigued by the interweaving of the three plots, an organic type of narrative structure I would love to read. I am uncertain about the boy and girls travels only because I wonder if they will be fantastical or simple in nature, and I do not know anything about the town they are in. I begin to think of Tim Burton for some reason, combined with a little Phillip Pullman's Golden Spyglass. Exciting! Is this how I do it? :D

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Shem-the-Penman — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:10:50 -0400

MKDthe writer, Fascinating gothic tale you're writing! I'm married to a Hungarian gal, who never lets me forget that they're all about music and tragedy. I'm sure the psyche of a Transylvanian opera singer is going to be fertile ground for lots of drama, emotion, and fantasy. Let us know how the night's tale is progressing! -Shem

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Squiddish — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:22:00 -0400

@ Shem-the-Penman, Sweet mother of pearl, that's a book I'd read right there. I love how you clearly draw the comparisons between the 'world is losing its sense of direction' bit and the whole hall of mirrors and 'pepper's ghost'. I'd love to see how you bring it all about in your actual novel, because it sounds really quite fascination! Also, never trust the mysterious red-heads. ;) We're bad news. Hope that was good enough... ~Squiddish

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

BaKa-NEKO — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 16:50:00 -0400

Squiddish: Your synopsis itself is a bit odd, especially at the "Throughout the novel" bit. In a synopsis, it isn't typical to actually mention the novel. Aside from that, your plot sounds interesting. It's definitely LitFic, especially in the sense that it takes place in a single room. No elaborate settings, just emotions and philosophical ramblings. Sounds like you have a good plot, but the synopsis itself could use some work.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

cmfacci — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:55:12 -0400

I think maybe you gave away too much in your synopsis. I would have stopped after being trapped in the Server, though that sounds a bit Tron-like, & only alluded to the dark, sad reality that awaits him when he is forced to enter the real world. Your voice reminds me very much of Douglas Adams, whether intentional or not I approve.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

invisagirl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 09:43:49 -0400

I like the story Idea going on. And the number of issues that the character will attempt to handle in the course of the novel. I think if you cut out "in an attempt to reconnect with himself" it would be much more effective. As well as tightening up this sentence "He does get some writing done but more importantly he lives a little, drinks a lot, & remembers who he was & who he wants to be." It did get me wanting to read it. so bonus brownie points.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JB Dryden — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:18:54 -0400

@invisagirl: The synopsis is very short, but it does give us at least the hint of the conflict within this character. I think you could definitely add a location, a time period, and maybe a better suggestion as to what might happen in Sasha's life.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

iymcool — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:23:53 -0400

I adore the idea of a post Civil-War immigrant trying to mesh into the American culture and rediscover himself. The idea of a Socialist movement during this time period is intriguing, and I'm curious to see how this will affect the character and shapes his life. I'm also intrigued how the bouncing around from workshop, to press, etc., will affect the viewpoint of the MC when it comes to his own trade.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Bewitched.Rhapsody — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:03:03 -0400

@iymcool - Your story idea sounds very interesting. I would suggest slightly changing how you worded some things. "A dystopian collection of European-esque countries are divided up, separated by physical barriers, by the varying schools of psychological thought." After "separated by physical barriers" I kind of expect there to be a period. Just sayin'. ^_^ Before you even say this first sentence, I'd start with something "easier" for the reader to hold onto. Start with the problem. Explain the setting. Then leave the reader hanging on an interesting note. So instead of just saying something about the setting, start by explaining the problem. If you have a hard time pinning down a problem per se, start with explaining the main character. Then go on to say how the current time and setting is related to your MC. I think if you just slightly change the arrangement of your thoughts, your synopsis will end up making more people interested in your story. ^_^

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ghk1962 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:26:46 -0400

Wow! I loved the way you did your synopsis. I've never seen something written is such a way...a very unusual and original style . . . but one I thoroughly enjoyed. Not only did it give a lot of information about what the novel was going to be about, but it actually engaged your mind. It also gave you a good sense of what she would be going through, and what she was feeling about it. Your excerpt was very readable by the way. As I was reading through it I was wondering how much of Anneliese was in your. Wonderful job :-) PS ~ How do you get the bold-faced type on here? Cool.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

invdrzim — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:43:58 -0400

@ghk1962 I really like how your first paragraph echoes the sentiments of memories, dreams, fleeting reminders. Great hook! I'm curious about this "traveling companion" you've decided to leave in the shadows. Seems like the companion is going to play a big role in the story, too, so why discredit him/her? Unless you're purposely trying to keep them vague, I'd suggest adding a bit of context to the "traveling companion" in the synopsis. Just as a stylistic preference for me personally, I'd lose some of the rhetorical questions. They do more harm than good, in most cases :) With those suggestions being said, I'm curious to find out how your novel progresses, and what happened to Edward. Real feelings of forbidding there...not just for what fate fell upon Edward, but Henry, as well. If you want to make something bold, use <*strong*>words go here<*/strong*> without the asterisks :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Bewitched.Rhapsody — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:56:05 -0400

Thank you so much! ^_^ There's quite a bit of Anneliese in me... although she's more introverted than I am, I think. Then again, I'm writing her as I was a year ago. And I think I was a bit more introverted then. :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JB Dryden — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:16:06 -0400

Thanks. It's going well so far, and I'm working well with the outline I worked on throughout October. Surprisingly -- having done some research -- I discovered that Milwaukee was one of the largest seeds of the Socialist Movement in America and began roughly around 1892. I'm definitely interested in how that will affect Charles and his life once he begins to be a part of that movement.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

RebekahW — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:19:57 -0400

@invdrzim Your synopsis is great! It gives the plot and has the perfect amount of descriptive words to give the feel of the story, not just what will happen, but the style it will be written it. My synopsis is horrible. For one thing, my story starts to take shape as I write it and another thing is that literary elements are extremely hard to put into a synopsis. There's no normal plot to look at and say so and so goes out to defeat the so and so and then learns so and so. In other words, I suck at writing synopses and the crazy plots of literary style don't help.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

katiereynolds — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:33:00 -0400

@RebekahW As someone said earlier in the thread, usually you don't actually mention the novel in the synopsis. I really love the start though, about the world beyond bleeding into ours. It creates a beautiful but chilling image in my mind and really has me hooked and wanting to know more. You mentioned that the story takes shape as you write it, perhaps the synopsis will too. Don't worry about it at this stage! I completely hear you that literary elements are so hard to put into a synopsis, it's something I've always struggled with and I'm sorry I can't help you any more than that!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

ghk1962 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:40:47 -0400

Thanks invdrzim. I indeed left information about the traveling companion vague (or perhaps with very little information might be a better way of putting it). You are correct though, he (the traveling companion) does play a major role. I think when I wrote this I was thinking to myself, “What might be placed on the back cover of a book?” However, as this is really an exercise to see if I can actually write anything worth spit, I suppose being vague is not really necessary. :-) I’m basically writing the novel as dialog between characters, interspersed with a narrator voice-over. I’ve been successful early on (at a mere 4000 words) keeping the reading thinking that the narrator is the main protagonist (Henry) . . . when in reality, they’ll find that it’s really the travelling companion. With regards to the rhetorical question in the synopsis ~ I can see your point. I’ll lose the 2 in the middle, but keep the one at the end. However, I’ll have to figure out some other transitional language when I delete the 2. If you remember, check back in a day or so and see if I got anything going on that. And finally, thanks for the info on bolding words!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

invisagirl — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:43:25 -0400

[quote=JB Dryden] @invisagirl: The synopsis is very short, but it does give us at least the hint of the conflict within this character. I think you could definitely add a location, a time period, and maybe a better suggestion as to what might happen in Sasha's life. [/quote] I credit the lack of it being sensible due to the fact that It was supposed to be about a woman that gets kidnapped by a child murderer/rapist to take care of his children and ends up trying to save them. yet doesn't really help. But then i started writing the back story of the woman and got way too into that. But now that I'm fleshing out my crapfest. I'm going to update it as soon as i get things together.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

thecheesesnakefactory — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:38:18 -0400

@katiereynolds I really dig your concept; I'm an art student myself, so the idea of an art professor 'snapping' and attempting to show his students what art can actually be (which, when I first entered art school, I had NO idea, including learning about performance and more avant garde practices). I'm curious, however, as to what era this takes place in. That could really affect what artists would have been taught at schools (in that case of the 50's through the 80's, for instance, it was all about abstract expressionism to sometimes violent performance practices), even if it is just in a boarding school instead of a university. I really want to see more of this melding that is described in the except (him being inside the canvas) and the 'devastating effects' that would result from the artistic and creative exploits of his students : D

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Solarisol — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:38:49 -0400

@thecheesesnakefactory I like your synopsis because it'll be taking place in memories - which is how a lot of my story is too! I also like that way of organization, makes the story less straight-lined. My only concern is whether or not it's going to be too easy to see from the beginning whether the friend in question is a good or bad person. Hopefully the main character's got a bucket-full of flaws as well!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

invisagirl — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 02:24:27 -0400

@solarisol interest is piqued. however I'm a little confused by things like "fight the change" and "resisting the desire to fight the reality of her death". Do you mean like alternate reality type things? It's all confusing but also kinda interesting. However, since i don't exactly know what's going to happen, it's a little frustrating. (not that I can talk, you'll see) anywho, good luck. Try to flesh it out a little.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Carolz. — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 23:54:53 -0500

@invisagirl While the synopsis is short, I do get the general gist of the novel. A bit more detail could be added, but it is very to the point. I enjoyed reading your excerpt. It had detail, but not too much detail, and didn't drag on. I like how the characters interact with each other. :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JoNbOy — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 10:03:52 -0500

@ Carolz I like it. I've for a long time wanted to write about a memory loss victim, but never seemed to be able to pull it off. I'll be reading yours when you finish.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

lindsey1295 — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:47:47 -0500

I like your idea and I'd be interested to see where you go with it, how far you take it. I hope your character is somewhat likable and loses at least a little of his arrogance and cynicism eventually. Looks very interesting!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

adcary — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:05:33 -0500

[Duplicate Post]

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

adcary — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:06:03 -0500

Hi lindsey1295! LOVE the specificity and the word "beautific" You seem really comfortable in the world of your story and like it's totally yours. Very nice.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Carolz. — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:01:17 -0500

Thank you :) haha, it'll be rough, but once I fix it up I wouldn't see any problem with you reading it. I like the concept of your novel, and I thought the excerpt was interesting, as well.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JoNbOy — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 08:26:34 -0500

@ adcary Hahaha! I LOVED the excerpt of your novel! The synopsis didn't tell a whole lot about the story, but it definetly looks funny (I always find crotchety old people hillarious).

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

finchgeam — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:04:08 -0500

@JoNbOy I like it ... I actually want to read it ... the synopsis doesn't say much ... but the plot intrigues me.... I would buy it if it was in a bookstore and if that's not a compliment I don't know what is ...

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Shannanigan — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:59:43 -0500

@finchgeam Wowzers! I love that synopsis because there is SO much to read! It makes me think of Ray Bradbury, who happens to be one of my favorite authors. You must love having such a wide range of such interesting characters; as a reader, I know I would!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JoNbOy — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:27:15 -0500

@ Shannanigan: I like it! very unique... and strangley reminds me of my whole relationship with my ex...

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Shannanigan — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:41:12 -0500

Hopefully not TOO many falls down that trip down memory lane... And, thank you. :)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

adcary — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:04:26 -0500

Thanks! :D

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

racheloinge — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:00:13 -0500

@Shannanigan Oooh interesting synopsis! It makes me think of Sister Wives, only in reverse. LOL. Also made me think a bit of Scott Westerfeld's Uglies for some reason, but I loved that book, so I'm sure yours will be stellar too!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

studentofrhythm — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:24:15 -0500

@racheloinge: The synopsis piqued my curiosity very effectively. The "But" beginning the third sentence in the first paragraph doesn't fit with what has led up to it: if he has everything going for him, isn't he already going to live out the future he wanted? I think you can make a clearer synopsis while still keeping it teasing enough to not give away spoilers.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

JoNbOy — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 19:49:54 -0500

@ studentofrhythm Holy shit! That got me laughing in the first line or so, then thinking it was looking interesting in the second part, and in the third part... Well, I feel your book will make some people very sad.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

racheloinge — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 20:00:02 -0500

[quote=studentofrhythm] @racheloinge: The synopsis piqued my curiosity very effectively. The "But" beginning the third sentence in the first paragraph doesn't fit with what has led up to it: if he has everything going for him, isn't he already going to live out the future he wanted? I think you can make a clearer synopsis while still keeping it teasing enough to not give away spoilers. [/quote] Ooh good point. You know, I never really considered how I abuse the word "but." It definitely needs some work -- thanks!

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Oregon_Rain — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:04:06 -0500

That's actually a really interesting story idea, Jonboy. Have you read A Confederacy of Dunces? It reminds me of that. The excerpt was good. I have a soft spot for delusional protagonists like that.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:28:25 -0500

I like the idea of using hypotheticals and what I'm picking up as a casual, everyday tone to explore the more complex social issues. Definitely sounds like something I would read.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Oregon_Rain — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:38:52 -0500

OLeary: seems pretty depressing, but I'm pretty sure some of that is intended. And who wouldn't be a cynic when your girlfriend is pregnant from another man and your best friend hates you? As far as criticism goes, do you worry that the book could become excessive because it's experimental and centers on a narrator who discusses why he's decided to kill himself? Maybe it could just become too much, all darkness and no light?

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:47:03 -0500

Well part of the... I don't know, charm?--of the character is in the style of his narrative. His manner of telling these often dark personal accounts is frequently satirical and somewhat funny in a detached sort of way. I'm told that as dark as the story sounds as a whole, the experience of reading it isn't quite so heavy. And the kind of depressing nature of the narrater is more prominent a trait early on because he overcomes a lot of his cynicism and emotional problems over the course of the story. I think of it almost like a fictional character study told in a format where the subject and observer are the same person.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:24:12 -0500

Revised. I think the tone is more representative of my MC's voice now.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

bobalconnors — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 04:38:27 -0500

I remember meeting a girl who had lived in Hawaii. She said it was great and all, but she had left. I met her in Buffalo NY. She said people who live in Hawaii; at some point they get what she called "mainland fever" and are driven to leave sunny sweet-aired paradise. I also know a couple who vacationed in Hawaii and they told of one-lane bridges where motorists politely practice alternate one-at-a-time-ness. And that's it. Jack Johnson is from there. You can learn to surf. Hawaii may be under-utilized as a setting.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

bobalconnors — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 05:14:20 -0500

it's depressing. the tone could use a little more wiseacre. not to make light of your loosely autobiographical saddities. it is ambitious. i mis-submitted my critique of a different user under yours so i felt i owed you a critique. i don't mean to bring anyone down. it's ambitious. u r 2 b commended for ambitious vision. i wish u well. there is good writing there - the gunshot got my attn - like that. finding a lighter tone might make it easier for a reader to get benefit out of a heavy story.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:46:12 -0500

The tone is a lot lighter as you read. My story sounds morbid on papebutane it is rather morbid, but it's interpreted by my MC a little more lightly.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:48:31 -0500

Whoa, autocorrect.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Poly Molly — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 04:57:50 -0500

DangerOLeary: what a brilliant idea - to explore the alteration in your character's inner reality, as he progresses from suicidal depression to acceptance! For a person determined to discontinue living, there's certainly a lot of adrenalin and activity ("ecstasy trips, gunshot wounds, arson, one-night stands, road trips, illegitimate children, and large quantities of liquor"), but I guess the said progress results from a lot of these factors - Milo's mind must be busy with things besides jumping off a bridge as the story progresses. What I absolutely loved is your excerpt. Milo's voice is very specific and defined, it feels insanely real! His observation about Hemingway and Idaho, his fascination with the jumper ("The man looked hollow but peaceful"), the way he reads obituaries over coffee and puts together a suicide iPod playlist - the little details are very humane, they made me smile more than once, they made me believe Milo and root for him. Milo's inner world seems rich and peculiar, I hope the action-packed plot doesn't overshadow it.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:28:22 -0500

Wow, thank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for, so your comment really excites me because I've been questioning whether Milo's voice got lost in the morbidity of the story. I wanted my protagonist to be kind of villainous in a way, but not so much that you don't still root for him. I always loved books and movies and such where you end up rooting for the bad guy, so I wanted it to have a touch of that. Originally, I didn't intend to write any action-laden scenes because my story was supposed to be a reflection of character and a coming-to-terms story. When I attended some AA meetings a while back, I'd heard the Serenity Prayer many times before, but my situation was different from when I'd heard it this time. Although my character is atheist, the basis of the book revolves around acceptance of things outside of Milo's control and becoming a person who is strong enough to change the things he can, and in the interim, Milo weaves in current and past events, even some dreams. It's a very psychological story, but as you've pointed out, there's definitely a certain level of action, too. Again, thanks for the glowing praise. As for yours, my interest is definitely piqued! It's like the antithesis of a romance, with a character adopting a manner of sexual behavior based on biological inclinations. I got my BA in psychology and I'm very interested in "unconventional people." The thought processes of your character are very interesting to follow as well. As I was reading, in my head I kept thinking of questions I'd ask your narrater if given the opportunity. You do a very good job at making the reader want to learn more about her. The travel aspect is also very exciting; I've read some exceptional travel literature, and I can see you've got the makings of a rather epic vagabonding story. I see you've got a pretty sizable chunk of your book written, but my one suggestion is to make sure you give your character unique experiences based on her local surroundings. What are the sights to see in these Asian cities? What things are there to do? This could also really help your reader distinguish between these different places, and maybe even teach them something about them. Of course, having read only an excerpt, you may have already been doing this, but I wanted to mention it either way. Again, excellent job. Yours is definitely a book I would read.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Oregon_Rain — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:52:52 -0500

Poly: That's a really interesting story. I'm not too sure how I can comment on all that. Open relationships are becoming more common as people are more aware of our nature and how much monogamy was just defined by religious and Puritan values. Do they actually get together in the end? Does she let her guard down? For some reason I wouldn't be satisfied if they got together and remained happily ever after. By the way, where in Oregon were you an exchange student? Did you like it here?

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Poly Molly — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 15:01:45 -0500

You are very welcome! I'm really curious about how things develop for Milo. He might be a bit of a bad-ass, but he also comes across as a closeted intellectual, a home-made philosopher even. It's obvious from his meditations that even his decision to commit suicide comes from a deeper place than a simple depression or a childish desire to draw attention. It's more that he questions senses and, being sharp and inherently pessimistic, can't help seeing the pointlessness of it all. You know... the one thing that I puzzled me a bit - I'm not sure how it is embedded in the story, perhaps it's perfectly logical - is not one, but two previous suicide attempts by a person who is a) obviously intelligent b) doesn't seem to be a flake. But again, it's just a short excerpt, maybe it makes perfect sense. In either case, I would love to read your novel some day! And thank you for your kind and thorough feedback! You're right on: the antithesis of romance is the dominant idea of the story, but it's a little more than simply biological outlook. It was to a degree influenced by the Dalai Lama's observation that pursuit of romantic love in the west makes people feel incomplete. Vaselisa, the main character, doesn't agree to be unhappy simply because she's not in love. As you correctly noticed, she is full of opinions and has plenty of theories to back them up. However, she is completely defeated by a dysfunctional relationship in practice. She doesn't change her views, but shies away from an open conflict and goes from perfectly content to miserable, with lot's of love on the side. Oh, and yes, the travel diaries part is a really big deal too. Lot's of cool, odd, spectacular places, each bit of the story has a dramatic setting and chapters are titled according to geographic locations.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 15:48:29 -0500

Excellent. You know, as the writer, sometimes it's hard to look at my story objectively. I ask myself things like: Am I communicating these crucial perspectives and themes that I want to come across? Milo's mind and how he thinks is very much a primary focus, and I wanted to avoid making his decision to kill himself sound like a cry for attention. Milo actually hates attention, and loathes pity. He feels like a victim but refuses to identify himself as such, and so he's bitter, withdrawn, cynical, impatient, calculating, even a little manipulative. He doesn't trust anyone, or himself. As for the previous attempts, he discusses the mistakes me made, and part of the significance of his deciding to jump off the Summit (huge mountain with overhanging cliff) is in the finality of it; his is a desperate attempt to find peace, so he chooses a means that seems fool proof. Previously, he's tried overdosing on benzos, then later tried slitting his wrists, which he discusses as being more barbaric than he'd prefer, but it was a proportionate reaction to a rather devastating discovery. But both methods involved an initial event (taking the pills, cutting the wrists) followed by a necessary period of time as he dies. The problem with both previous attempts was that they left an opening for interference, whereas there's really no way to stop someone from dying if they've jumped off a cliff. I think he hints at the significance of the means of suicide selection in my excerpt, something like "... but I maintain my mistakes were in the planning." My story is broken into two parts. My excerpt is kind of a prologue. Then Part I begins as Milo backtracks to earlier events that contributed to his destructive behavior. Part II, which I'm almost ready to transition into, will pick up where my excerpt leaves off and then continue in a more linear fashion. Although he's an intellectual and very open-minded, Milo's perception of the world is very binary; action and reaction, cause and effect, before and after. Part I is the before and Part II is the now and after. I have two endings in mind, one happy and one sad. Haven't decided which I'm going with. It'll depend on how the story goes as I get closer to wrapping it up. I'm interested to know how you plan on communicating most of your narrater's perspective. Do we learn about her primarily through dialogue with other people, or will there be a lot of internal dialogue too? With her being an unconventional thinking when it comes to interpersonal relations, I'd also be interested in seeing if she has other unconventional beliefs. Does her position on romance influence any other of her thought processes? Is her position exclusive to romance, or is it a more encompassing means of thinking and romance happens to be the primary psychological/physiological association the narrater makes? As I said, I'm very interested in how unique people function, in case that wasn't evident by my own story lol.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Poly Molly — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:11:54 -0500

I love the split time structure! Generally, the more I hear about your book, the more it seems like a great novel. Don't stop after NaNo is over - keep editing and finalizing it. Regarding narrator's perspective, I'm also writing a first-person account, so a lot of it IS inner dialogue. Even locations and other people we see through Vasilisa's eyes. But to address numerous contradictions that her strong opinions generate, there are dialogues, often even arguments with other travelers. However, I don't want to turn her into a freak: there's nothing strange about her beliefs, not in her reality, it's completely logical. She might be a bit of a smart-ass and more outspoken about it than most people would consider appropriate, but she's not really a weirdo in general. Just a bit too caught in her head.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 14:12:26 -0500

No, I wouldn't say your character is weird. Her views could be considered unconventional simply because they differ from what's societal expectations in a logical manner, but even so I wouldn't consider her a deviant. In the matter of following the heart or mind, your character seems dominantly driven by her logic. My character is the exact same way. If you ask me, exploring someone's thought processes and the rationale behind the choices they make can be much more interesting than just attributing everything to "feelings" and moving on.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Poly Molly — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:57:04 -0500

Haha... totally agree about "feelings' as a plug to all holes in bad plots! There are so many films and books where characters act so irritatingly odd, that it makes me want to jump up and scream "Who would ever do THAT? And why?" But the authors never even bother to explain, because it's supposed to be ineffable.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Poly Molly — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:10:09 -0500

Oregon Rain, thank you for your interest in my story. It's a bit more complex than simply getting together 'in the end' - if you read the above conversation with DangerOLeary, you'll see what I mean. I don't want to bore you with too many details, but esseintially it's a story of freedom lost to an unexpected relationship and slow, guilt-driven attempt to regain it. Can there be a classical happily-ever-after in LitFic at all? Oh, and I've lived in a microscopic village next to a tiny town of Grants Pass, south of Medford. Very happening place. But insane natural backdrop! Regarding your synopsis: I like the idea of two guys with different backgrounds reacting differently to the pressure and madness of reality tv 'reality'. There's a great potential for humor, drama and endless row of pop-culture references. It does seem, though, that your synopsis needs a bit more meat - I'd like to know who these guys are, what are they like, why and how they appear on the show and what is it ultimately that each of them is hoping to achieve through it.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

Oregon_Rain — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:02:09 -0500

I didn't think it was going to be a happily ever after ending. I guess I was wondering what special twist your story had on the romance. There are women in their sixties and older who have never been married with very interesting lives. Does everyone need to spend his/her life with one other person? I'm afraid to write about romance because I don't want the pressure of writing a story that's been told many times before and I could repeat what others have done. Natural backdrop? The mountains and forest you mean? I've been through that area, but there are much more beautiful and alluring places in Oregon. Did you go to Crater Lake? It's actually a guy and a girl who end up on a reality show. I've realized my synopsis is short, but I hate writing them. So I should describe the characters more and some of their motivations? Anything else important?

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

XVisiEX — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 08:30:07 -0500

Hm, Well it caught my attention but I kind of felt teased. What terrible job does he have? How old is he? Why doesn't he deserve his girlfriend? Okay, Florence is a senior....what is Florences personality can I get a little hint? Maybe she is snarky too? Or maybe Florence has some quirky little habit we wanna know about before hand? The last line just kind of feels...."what the .........." to me. Hm, I would expand on the characters backgrounds a bit more to engage us into why we should read about them. Why do I care about Flor being deceived when I know next to nothing about her? You obviously don't need to post a page longe description but using one or two details would probably help you out. =)

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

DangerOLeary — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:07:48 -0500

The film student aspect is a refreshing take on an otherwise commonplace 'star-crossed lovers' motif, but replacing the lovers with friends. You do a good job of giving the reader a basic understanding of what to expect from your book. Your descriptions seems a little lackluster, though, and fails to distinguish it from the eons of similar stories out there. You say a summer project brings them together. Is there anything particularly important or challenging about this assignment? Is it the biggest one they've ever had? Do they have to travel or learn something new to complete it? Otherwise, the catalyst of your story could be any homework assignment a film student might work on. I'm mildly interested, but I wouldn't say your synopsis has 'hooked' me just yet. Another way of putting it is that your synopsis kind of reminds me of a beach-blanket book or something I might gloss through during a flight, and doesn't sound like something I'd reread or add to my list of favorites. Your actual book might make me feel otherwise, but my impression is based solely on your synopsis.

Re: Critique The Synopsis of the Person Above You

XVisiEX — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:16:51 -0500

Thanks for your feedback! I'll make notes ^-^