Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
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Copyright © 2012 The Office of Letters and Light :: All posted novel excerpts remain copyright their authors.
Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I did a YA novel last year, and we had one of these threads in the forum, which I thought was helpful and a lot of fun.
Here's the rules: Go into the novel info of the person above you (the last comment in the thread). Read their posted excerpt and give an honest critique. Constructive criticism only, please- don't use this as an excuse to be nasty. We're here to help each other.
Also, don't post your excerpts in this thread. That's why we have that lovely Novel Info page.
Aaaaand go!
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I don't have an excerpt, but yours is ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS!
The characters you described felt REAL to me, after only two paragraphs. I got a real sense for the main character, because you didn't just tell me that he hated his life. You showed me that he didn't really want to admit to it, so he was creating an outlet for himself. And I loved the way you described Delilah. It gives me a sense that she's young, impressionable, and now, she's about to change the life she's just started.
It makes me happy to see that we still have good writers in the world! I hope this does get published!
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
Shame on you, trying to ruin my nifty thread with your whole lack of excerpt. Although thank you for your review, though if you hadn't mentioned Delilah, I'd be convinced you were talking about somebody else's excerpt. I can't believe I managed to convey that much information to you. I'm totally blushing right now, thank you.
Btdubs, always loved the brainy specs.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I really like your excerpt. And I really like your 2nd paragraph more than your first. The only thing I'd change is the first sentence of your 2nd paragraph. I'd split it into 2 sentences...
But now he was here, on one of the two cots they had sat up, with a woman that wasn’t his wife, David knew that he should be feeling guilty, but he wasn’t.
And I'd like to say that this sentence is wonderful...
Here they were just David and Delilah, just two lost souls that had found each other in the snowy little transfer station in the middle of nowhere.
Good Luck!
And PS, I really like your eyes!
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
Oh my! OK. I'm going to try to get the thread going & critique Luzshin's excerpt.
Hopefully it will be seen as positive criticism?!?!
I was thrown dizzy by the sentence structure. Just too much & not an enjoyable read overall.
I'm a smart fella & I can define each of the words used in the excerpt. But, it seems like the sentences are overwrought. I would suggest putting the Thesaurus aside & attempt to say what needs to be said as though having a conversation with a well-educated adult. No one I know would sit & listen to me if I was speaking in this manner. What reader would submit to it?
The amount of effort required to mentally define the words, track what they are describing & then try to come to a conclusion of the point of each sentence just isn't worth the work. It is exhausting.
Suggestions:
1. Simpler words. Feel free to challenge the reader but don't leave them feeling ignorant.
2. Less adjectives. Create the impression. Don't spell it out word-for-tedious-word
3. Shorter sentences. Express only one idea between the periods.
Alright! Let's get this thread going. My excerpt is ready - hack away!
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I liked the fantasy aspect of your excerpt.
Your description is good as well as the dialogue.
Some things could do with a little more explaining though, such as what your terminology means.
Use "and" instead of "&"
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
Yeah, the terminology is problematic in an excerpt. By this point the terms have been defined/described & the reader has a good understanding of the concepts.
'Find & Replace' will definitely change the "&"s to "and" during the editing stage. I just like the way they look on the page & [<--- There's another one!] each one saves me two keystrokes.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
Go Ferrets! The dialogue works but I'd love to hear a little more of the conversation that sent him packing. seems like there's an opportunity there...
In the final paragraph of the excerpt - I was still picturing the guy in his car with the others zipping past him. But he could hear the ferrets speaking. I reread it to see if I missed the part where he exited the car [dodging a near-miss driveby, perhaps?] so he could be within hearing distance without the windshield in between.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
Enjoyed your excerpt. Snappy dialogue. Believable. Liked the POV - gives an overview with a first-person feel. Good phrase: Destination Nowhere. Loved this one "Happy Ferret Speak".
The idea of choosing ferrets as the vehicle for philosophical discourse sparked my interest right away. You could have real fun with this one. Made me think of Ishmael. Anyway, I love ferrets, and the fantasy road you could go down here with new perspective and insights just makes me want to read more.
Only nit... the sentence where he begins to focus on the road and then the ferret jump into the road... rather than repeating the word 'road', I would try 'almost into the path of the car' or something along those lines.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I actually changed that a while ago and just never updated the excerpt haha
It actually reads: " He didn’t even know what direction he was going in. He tried to focus on the road, and once he finally managed to, something sleek and furry jumped into his path."
Your dialogue is good and I like the character descriptions.
But sometimes there's a little bit of adjective overload.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
LOL - you are right:) Dashing off a draft this quickly doesn't make for the best writing :) The intro of Elizabeth needs a great deal of reworking.
Loved your rewrite. Much better.
Re: Critique the Excerpt of the Person Above You
I like the premise of your book. Having taken dance lessons for awhile from an Arthur Murray dance studio, I could relate. It seems like a great collection of characters, there is a lot of possibility there.
Unfortunately, I found there was too much descriptive language. It's what I would call flowery.
I like the characters, and I could see this going some place, but I'd rather you showed me instead of telling me.