How's this for a bar scene?

It was fun to write. Mostly I'm looking for opinions on the fight :) Realistic? Too long? Too short? First time I've done this, I want to get it right!

Thanks!

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Arcieri’s Night Club on the inside was just like he had imagined it as well. The combination of barely any lighting and thick smoke made it almost impossible to see. In the corner was a pool table. Along the walls were leather booths and grimy table settings. And nailed to the walls were the same disgusting t-shirts that the mustache man had been wearing. Ignoring the glares of the rough-looking patrons, he threaded through the crowd and took a stool at the bar.

The barman gave him a look that made his skin crawl. “Whaddaya want?”

Jeff slapped a bill down on the counter and returned the scowl. “Surprise me.”

About thirty seconds later a glass was plunked in front of him. He pulled it close, but did not drink. “You. Get back here.” He snapped his fingers, resisting the urge to recoil as the bartender leaned on the counter and exhaled a cloud of smoke right in his face. How typical.

“I’m looking for one of your customers. I need...” He reached for his phone, but stopped when he saw that every eye in the place was glued on him.

“What, does everybody who asks a question at a bar have to get stared at? Is it some kind of obligation? Quit looking at me.” He faced the bartender and held up his phone. “This man. Who is he?”

The thuggish man quickly hid his surprise and grunted. “Never seen him.”

Jeff’s temper began to rise when the man turned his back and began cleaning out the glasses. He stood, swung his legs up over the bar, casually walked up behind the man and tapped him on the shoulder.

“What in the h-”

Jeff slammed him against the wall. “You tell me who that guy is.”

“Getchyer hands off of me. I told you I have no idea-”

“You’re lying! You tell me his name!”

“Back off kid! I’m warning you.”

Jeff gave him another shove. “I swear, if you don’t...”

He was grabbed from behind, spun, and punched in the jaw. He fell into the cabinets and wine bottles came crashing down. Glass went everywhere.

More hands pulled him roughly from the wreckage. In the split second before another blow, he wrapped the nearby rag around his hand, dropped to the floor and swung a foot through the knees of the men behind him.

He rolled out from under the falling bodies and jumped to his feet. The men on the floor backed away. Were they afraid already?

No. It was just the bouncers. Two huge gorillas in human clothing. In unison they popped their knuckles and lunged.

Jeff grabbed a wine bottle from the rack. Shoes splashing in the puddles, he ducked under the bouncer’s huge arms, whipped upright and smashed the bottle over the man’s shaven head. The blow did not bring him down, but made him stumble which gave Jeff the chance to tuck and roll into the feet of the second.

A heavy boot struck him in the ribs. The man lost his balance and fell with an earth-shaking thud into the puddles of wine.

With his stance wide, hands apart, Jeff stared coolly at the other bouncer. The patrons had formed a semi-circle around them, whispering excitedly. Bar scenes. They were all the same.

The huge man roared and swung a punch. Jeff grabbed the arm and pulled himself straight into the man’s stomach, driving a hard uppercut into his chin. A kick to the chest sent him reeling into the tables. He fell heavily to the floor. Jeff heard his skull hit the tile. He did not get up.

The second bouncer had recovered. In the split second before the fight, Jeff noticed the bartender had disappeared. And that another man was calling the police. Couldn’t things ever just go as planned?

The distraction cost him dearly. The bouncer got an arm around his neck. Jeff instantly went limp, wincing at the pain that shot through his jaw. The bouncer stumbled under the weight. Jeff tried to pull free, but the grip tightened. His flailing hand caught the drink he had ordered. He tossed it in his captor’s face.

The bouncer howled but did not release his choke hold. Out of desperation he slammed the glass into the man’s groin.

That did the trick. He grabbed a stool to keep from falling.

The disoriented bouncer rubbed at his eyes and tried not to vomit from the pain. He sucked in several deep breaths. Blasted runt. Where’d he go...

With a feral yell, Jeff sprinted down the counter and jumped. His legs swung up and around the man’s neck in a perfect triangle lock. Hanging upside down, he drove both elbows into the lower ribs.

The bouncer staggered. Jeff twisted violently, grabbing the giant arm that tried to throw him off and swung back to the ground. He tackled the man around the knees and kicked off the counter. They slammed into the pool table. Billiards flew everywhere. Jeff ducked a swing from a cue, heaved the man over the table, then pushed the table over on top of him.

The bouncer crawled out from beneath the table, only to find Jeff flying at him again with billiard balls in each hand. A quick blow to the temple, and it was over. The gigantic man went limp.

Jeff looked around with bared teeth. The crowd backed away.

Hi,

Please can you not post large sections of your work to the forums? Otherwise we'll end up with the forums filling up with huge long sections of prose which take ages to plough through. If you want comment on any of your writing, please post it to the excerpt part of your profile page and then post a link here.

Thanks,

Lottie

Moderator - Mainstream Fiction