Little Audrey and other morbid jokes http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739 Itzika I'm looking for jokes that you have to be a bit of a sadist to find funny. My religion teacher told us about the Little Audrey jokes, but it's surprisingly difficult to find them online. I'm also interested in dead baby jokes, dirty jokes, and really anything that someone with a really warped sense of humor would find funny. This character has no soul, literally. She's almost normal, or at least really good at pretending, but there are some things that are just "off" about her, and her sense of humor is one of them. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:12:53 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105210 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105210 sovay Oh god, my brother's college friends had a few: What's Al Qaeda's favorite sports team? The New York Jets. Have you ever had Ethiopian cuisine? (The other person says no.) Well, neither have they. Also a lot of jokes, like "The New York Times? More like the JEW York Times! Am I right or am I right?" or, like, "The Democrats? More like the JEW-no-crats! Am I right or am I right?" and so on and so forth. Hope that helps you! (: Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:06:49 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105250 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105250 aaalllyyysssaaaaa Ok, just as a disclaimer, I don't find these funny AT ALL. Little Willie poems... Little Willie hung his sister She was dead before we missed her. Willie's always up to tricks! Ain't he cute? He's only six! Willie poisoned Father's tea. Father died in agony. Mother was extremely vexed. "Really, Will," she said, "What next?" Into the family drinking well Willy pushed her sister Nell. She's there yet because it kilt her. Now we have to buy a filter. Little Willie, on the track, Didn't hear the engine squeal. Now the engine's coming back, Scraping Willie off the wheel. The ice upon our pond's so thin That Little Wilie's fallen in! We cannot reach him from the shore Until the surface freezes more. Ah me, my heart grows weary waiting-- Besides, I want to do some skating. Little Willy saw some dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite; Curiosity never pays: It rained Willy seven days. Willy with a thirst for gore Nailed his sister to the door. Mother said with humour quaint, "Willie dear, don't scratch the paint." Little Willie fell down a drain; Couldn't scramble out again. Now he's floating in the sewer. The world is left one Willie fewer. Willie, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes. Now, although the room grows chilly, We haven't the heart to poke poor Willie. Willie coming home from school, Spied a dollar near a mule. Stooped to get it, quiet as a mouse. Funeral tomorrow at Willie's house. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:10:37 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105252 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105252 Itzika Oh, she would love those. I actually laughed at a couple of them--more at the unexpected last line than the humor, though. She'd just find them funny. Thanks! Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:19:17 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105267 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105267 Itzika I don't get the second one. >_> But the first just became her favorite joke. Thanks! Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:19:52 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105268 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105268 aaalllyyysssaaaaa Lol that's good. My fingers felt guilty after typing all those horrible jokes hehe don't ask me why I know them Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:44:59 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105300 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105300 Aria617 I think the joke is that people are starving in Ethiopia, thus they've never heard of food, even Ethiopian food. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:51:16 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105310 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105310 DeathOfScythes That is amazing. The only one I heard before was Littlie Willy was a chemist Little Willy is no more For what he thought was H2O Was really H2SO4 I didn't know there was a series. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:54:16 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105314 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105314 Aria617 My friend used to love Dead Baby Jokes (they always rather disturbed me). Let's see what I remember: Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles? A: Nail it's other hand to the floor Q: What's better than 100 babies in a tree? A: 1 baby in 100 trees Q: How do you put a baby in a blender? A: Feet first so you can see its expression Q: How do you get a baby out of a blender? A: With chips Man, I get the feeling guilty for typing those thing... He'd tell more, but I don't remember them. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:57:09 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105318 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105318 Itzika That's bad. That's really bad. And she would love it. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:52:43 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105394 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105394 Itzika Those are awful. I've heard a variation on the tree one, but the others are new. Thanks! Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:53:50 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105397 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105397 Carley124 Anyone up for more dead baby jokes? What's the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?...I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?...One you can smash with a shovel, the other one's a watermelon. What's worse than a baby spinning a hundred mile an hour on a clothes line?...Stopping it with a shovel. What do you call a baby nailed to a wall?...Art. There's a whole website devoted to dead baby jokes. There's hundreds. Other jokes: What's red and green and spins really fast?...A frog in a blender. There are also a lot of raunchier variations of children's rhymes. I don't remember any off the top of my head but I remember there being a lot of changes to Jack and Jill's tale. (I'm not a terrible person, really. I have friends who think shock factor and humor are the same thing. That's what makes these jokes "funny". Admittedly, I like some of them simply because they ARE so shocking. It's the reaction of the people you're talking to that is the best. I love kids, for the record. I just wanted to make sure people understood that. LOL. I have a soul!) Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:16:05 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105609 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105609 Carley124 A variation of this joke is the only way I remembered what sulfuric acid was in my chem class. Except, I didn't know it as Willy. I had Johnny. (Johnny the Scientist's throat was sore but he confused H2O with H2SO4.) Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:17:54 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105613 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1105613 MalcolmCooms I know a couple of really tasteless and horribly anti-semitic Jewish jokes. Off the top of my head: Q: What's the difference between a pie and a Jew? A: A pie doesn't scream when you put it in the oven Q: Why were the Israelites wandering in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a penny Other jokes I'm finding through googling and enjoying far, far too much. These are evil. I apologize in advance for laughing: What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. "Can Johnny come out to play?" "You know Johnny doesn't have any arms or legs." "I know. We want to use him for third base." "Mommy, mommy! Daddy's on fire!" "Quick! Get the marshmallows! A really awful Helen Keller joke: How did Helen Keller's punish her when she was bad? They rearranged the furniture How 'bout when she was really bad? They put doorknobs on the wall How 'bout when she was really, really bad? They left the plunger in the toilet Why was Helen Keller a sh!tty driver? Because she was a woman Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:21:42 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1106695 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1106695 FreakierThanThou I've heard a variation on the Art one where it's a man with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall. (Art is his name, being the punchline.) Then there's the spinoff joke, "what do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the ground? Matt." If a man runs over a woman with his car, whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen? Why can't women drive? Because there are no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom. (I apologize to all my fellow women for these.) A doctor calls his patient and says "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, you have 48 hours to live. The worse news is, I've been trying to reach you for two days!" Alternate version: A doctor tells his patient "I have some really bad news for you. For one, you have cancer." "Oh no!" says the patient. "It doesn't end there," replies the doctor. "You also have dementia." "Well," replies the patient, "at least I don't have cancer!" (The organizations in this joke vary based on who's telling it) There are three men applying for a job at a very secret spy organization: an FBI agent, a CIA agent and a Insert Target Demographic/Organization Here. (Or the job's CIA and they all belong to different military branches, or change organizations based on country, etc. You get the picture.) They all make it to the final test. The FBI agent is up first. He's handed a gun and sent into a room and told to kill whoever's in there. He goes in, then comes out immediately, sobbing. It was his wife, and he couldn't do it. The CIA agent goes in next. Same instructions, different room. He's there for about thirty seconds debating what to do, but in the end he also refuses to shoot (in the second room is his own wife) and comes out ashamed. The Target Organization person goes into the third room. After about five minutes, he comes back out looking annoyed. "Some moron loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair!" Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:08:39 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1106955 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1106955 CJHill Ever hear of the Mommy, Mommy jokes? Mommy, mommy, I don't want to see daddy! Shut up and keep digging! Mommy, mommy, it's cold and wet down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again! Mommy, mommy, I don't like big sister! Shut up and keep eating! Mommy, mommy, I'm tired of running in circles! Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor. No idea where I got them, but those are the ones I remember from when I was a kid. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:24:03 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107103 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107103 Laughing-Mockingbird All right, so my friends have a couple disturbing ones, although some of them cross the line too many times for me to put here...these are the tamer ones. What's worse than a pile of dead babies? One live baby at the bottom that has to eat its way out. What's the difference between a steak and a dead baby? I didn't have a steak for dinner last night. How do you turn a baby into a cat? With a chain saw! (For full effect, generally a chain saw "mrrrrrROW." noise is used.) What's the difference between a dead baby and a teddy bear? I don't go to sleep hugging a teddy bear. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:40:15 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107180 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107180 alysdragon I've come across some vile jokes in my time, let's see what I can think of... Warning, a fair few of these aren't even funny. What's green and red and goes round and round? A frog in a blender. What's green and brown? Same frog, three weeks later. (Apologies for this next one) What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? Getting raped. What's more fun than nailing three babies to one tree? Nailing one baby to three trees. What's red, white and cries a lot? A peeled baby in a salt bag. What goes plink, plink fizz? Two hamsters in an acid bath. What cracks when you --ck it? A baby's pelvis. and then there is a joke you will never, NEVER get out of your head and which got a television programme taken off the air once. It's totally and hellishly inappropriate. If you like I can DM it to you, but I'm not putting it here. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 09:54:42 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107442 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107442 cosmam [quote=FreakierThanThou] I've heard a variation on the Art one where it's a man with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall. (Art is his name, being the punchline.) Then there's the spinoff joke, "what do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the ground? Matt." [/quote] There's more of these, too. I used to know lots, but I'll contribute a few. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the pool? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub? Stu What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag around the block. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:02:56 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107451 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1107451 Carley124 There are also anti-jokes. Most aren't morbid but they may work depending on the situation. Anti-jokes are jokes with "real", rather than joke, punchlines. The one above me about the apple is probably considered an anti-joke. Warning: some of these are more stupid than funny. Why did the boy fall off his bicycle? I threw a microwave at him. So a horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?" The horse replies, "My wife has a terminal illness." There are others but these are some examples. Here are some other jokes, not all of which I agree with. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, they can cook in the dark. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, it's not going to come. Have you heard about the new Helen Keller doll? You wind it up and it walks into your furniture. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too. Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if your name was Urgoogarugah. (Or some other unpronounceable train wreck.) Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off a mountain? Because she was wearing mittens. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:44:38 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1108062 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1108062 snowkab The only one I can think of is one that I was told at a band competition. What's the difference between a Ferrari and a baby? You don't eat a Ferrari. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 19:45:01 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1108480 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1108480 Mistress Aeryn A couple more from me: How do you make a cat go woof? Pour kerosene on it and set it on fire. How do you make a dog go meow? Cut it in half with a chainsaw. Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:44:51 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1109427 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1109427 Itzika I know those too. One you forgot: What do you call a man with no arms and legs in your mailbox? Bill. Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:04:48 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110042 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110042 KeeleeHamomin I don't know if this helps, but have you ever heard of the Gashlycrumb Tinies? It is the most dark and gruesome form of the ABC's I could find. http://www.digitalbusstop.com/the-gashlycrumb-tinnies/ For example: "A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basile assaulted by bears... "etc. That link has the whole thing along with the wood carving illustrations. Sounds like it would be right up your characters alley. Hope that is helpful. :) Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:42:17 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110113 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110113 Itzika I have heard of it, but I totally forgot about it. It absolutely is up her alley. Thanks! Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:37:22 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110777 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1110777 Lynnielois I heard this one on a Vlogbrothers video. DFTBA! Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:01:51 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1111099 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1111099 panzerakc "Mrs. Custer, would you care to contribute to the Indian Relief Fund?" "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" My dad used to have a book with stuff like this, called "Sick Jokes". Little Willie was popular. There was also the Uncle Sheldon and Shelly jokes, but I can only remember one of those: "Uncle Sheldon, Uncle Sheldon, Shelly's eaten a poison mushroom!" "All right, I'll be there in a minute." (A few minutes later . . . .) "Uncle Sheldon, Uncle Sheldon, Shelly fell down the well!" "Well, the mushroom would have gotten her anyway." Also, a slight variation to one of the ones above: Baby cannibal: "I hate my sister's guts!" Mother cannibal: "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you." Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:37:35 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1111880 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1111880 PollyNim You forgot a couple. What's the most violent book Helen Keller ever read? A cheese grater. Have you ever seen Helen Keller's house? Neither did she. Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:00:13 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1112016 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1112016 Lizardhound Sounds like a verse from one of the Norwegian scout songs. That song is a bit morbid. Sum-up of a few verses: I dipped mom's lipstick in poison and the mailman died I haven't seen my cat since they paved the street and others. What the BLEEP is that song doing in a song book used by ten-year-olds?? Ah well, scouts are crazy anyways... Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:13:27 -0600 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1119985 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/plot-doctoring/threads/49739?page=1#forum_thread_comment_1119985