Things not to do in a horror movie.

I did post this in another thread, but only one person's replied, and it's not generally the kind of thing I'm after. So here I am, looking to you lovely funny people to help me with my novel! It requires a good, lengthy list of things not to do in horror movies. The aim is to make them so ridiculous that by the end of the list people can't do anything.
Here's what I have so far...



Split up from your group
Don’t bother with back up when going into a scary situation
Think you’re safe staying in one place and hunkering down until the monster/killer goes away
Trust the Government
Try to play the hero
Believe that if you can’t see the bad guy, he can’t see you
Get distracted by a naughty moment with the one you love
Go see what the strange noise is
Go back for something you left behind
Go looking for the dog/cat
Don’t bring enough ammunition
Don’t check the flashlight batteries
Don’t have a flashlight
Share your hiding place with strangers/people who scream at the slightest noise
Go into the basement
Go into a dark basement alone
Go into the woods all alone
Break into a school after hours
Hang out in a cemetery
Make out in a car on a deserted road
Shove other people in the direction of the danger as a distraction so you can run
Try and create a distraction so your friends can run
Don’t listen to the person warning you about danger/gave you important information that might actually save your life
Go out and party when you know there’s a possible serial killer staking victims with your characteristics
Indulge in illegal substances/copious amounts of alcohol
Choose the wrong shortcut
Crash the car during the escape
Stay in a creepy motel
Think the puppets/mannequins are cute
Watch the DVD/movie that everyone else watched, just before they died
Wait for the creepy girl/woman with long hair obscuring her face to catch up to you
Go to the bathroom
Take a bath/shower
Be too funny/too cool/be the funny guy
Be the first to get injured
Be whiny
Run/cry/and repeatedly complain “I can’t!” when told to run/do something that might actually save your life
Be the horror aficionado/relate everything to something you saw in a horror movie
Say “I’ll be right back”
Go to the kitchen for a drink/snack
See what’s under the sheet
See what’s in the closet
See what’s under the bed
Pull back the shower curtain
Leave a door/window unlocked
Answer the phone
Answer the phone after getting that first weird phone call
Go check the children

Please and thankyou!

1. If the haunted house tells you to leave. *Leave.*
2. Do not bury your recently dearly departed dog/cat/goldfish/donkey/elephant in a... Look, just have them cremated, okay?
3. Don't have sex
4. Don't trip
5. Remember the Double Tap!
6. Don't go to the mall (there's a lot of glass windows there and zombies have been known to be able to break them!)
7. Don't drink the kool-aide
8. Don't assume the zombies can't run
9. Don't fall for the the girl/guy with pointy teeth
10. Never feed the gremlin after midnight!

1. Never ask "Is someone there?"
2. Don’t be the black guy (I don’t know why, but they usually die first)
3. If something sticky and red drips on you, don’t taste, don’t look up, just run.
4. If your child tells you she’s seeing little kids that aren’t there, quickly move away.
5. If your husband/wife/kid/pets… start acting strange for no good reason, also quickly move away.
6. If it’s a cheap house always ask why and don’t buy it if someone was killed there. Just don’t.
7. Don’t try to cheat death, he/she/it is vindictive.
8. Don’t go spelunking. Especially without telling someone where you are going, even more so if it’s an unknown cave system. You never know what’s down there.
9. Don’t trust your friends, they might not be who you think they are.
10. Don’t go to an island for the weekend, knowing you can’t get off until Monday.
11. If you think people are being taken over by aliens, they probably are, so don’t stick around.
12. Don’t assume the cute and cuddly creature isn’t dangerous.
13. Don’t open a book/chest/door/fill in the blank, if there is a note saying you shouldn’t.
14. Never take an elevator.
15. Never assume you are safe.

1. Don't over-prepare and stock up on guns.
2. Don't do headcounts.
3. Don't follow the rest of the group like lemmings.
4. Don't hide in a corner.
5. Don't be a college student on a break or vacation.
6. Be accepting of twists and surprises.
7. Be unpopular.
8. Partake in some medieval fighting style but never tell anyone until after the monster/killer attacks.
9. Inject yourself with the serum. If you survive it, you'll survive everything else. If not, well, you'll be dead soon anyway.

[i]Just saying, you guys are epic[/i]

Do not go out in the middle of the night.
If you hear someone knocking on the door in the middle of the night, don't answer it.
Don't walk home through the back alley from a date or your friend's house.
Especially if it's Halloween.

I really don't watch horror movies... but these lists are fun to read...

-Don't investigate strange noises
-Don't take your clothes off. At all. If you take your shirt off for even a second, you're going to die. No doubt about it.
-Don't wind up in the woods. Ever.
-Don't turn your back on the killer, even if you think they're dead. *COUGH COUCH* Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween *COUGH COUGH*
-Even if you think they're dead the first time, bash them over the head a few times more. They usually get back up.
-When someone tells you "I'm your number one fan", get the hell out of there.
-Don't drink anything a stranger gives you.
-Don't babysit on Halloween
-Trust no one.

Don't trust your pretty best friend!

Don't take one potty buddy to the bathroom with you...take them all!

Don't assume that just because someone is half naked (or totally naked) they don't have a weapon of some sort (a bobby pin dipped in acid, razor sharp nipples, a nose ring they can shoot out of their nostril...anything!)

Don't run, and as someone said, don't trip, and don't stop to take off your heels before fleeing.

Don't look in the backseat of your car before getting in.

Don't cry.

Don't scream.

Don't poop your pants.

Do not wear red
Do not be overweight and funny
If your son asks what redrum is Run
If you have a chance to kill the killer do so, do not let the police get him and send him to jail just so he can come back wanting to revenge on you for ruining his life
If it's Friday the 13th lock all the doors and hide under the bed
Don't Sleep, ever

1. If you're black, act like L. L. Cooljay (He survived one of the Halloween movies).
2. Don't go to the bathroom. Let it out in plain sight.
3 .Don't relieve yourself in plain sight. This counts as getting naked.
4. If a baby's crying leave it be.
5. Stay as a group.
6. If someone's crying, leave them be. Either they're the killer or they shouldn't have left the group anyway.
7. If someone insists on splitting up, shoot them. Execution style.
8. After shooting someone in the group, assume the killer is still there.
9. Wear pants that can hide pee stains.
10. Keep a bomb vest on at all times. If you're know you're going to bite it, you have time to say an awesome one-liner and take whatever it is with you.
11. If your friends blows up with the killer, assume the killer survived until you find DNA evidence and a corpse.
12. Bury the remainders of any killer or monster in a grave on holy ground, with holy water filling the casket. That way when they come back, they'll die automatically.
13. Assume they will come back to kill you.

-Don't wear reflective clothing
-Don't answer the phone if you just watched a weird video
-Actually, don't watch the weird video altogether
-Stay away from the TV; monsters can and will come out of it
-Don't go to the pub *cough-ShaunoftheDead-cough*
-Don't pet the cute puppy
-Or the cute kitten
-Don't speak to the creepy little girl (is it me, or is there tons of creepy little girls in horror movies?)
-Don't wear stilletto heels
-Don't try and save someone else from the killer(s)/monster(s)/whatever; just run
-Don't taunt the monster/ghost/demon/killer/whatever; they will get their own back in the end.
-If you suspect someone is possessed, they probably are, so don't carry on like everything's normal.

Do not go up the stairs.
Do not drop the keys.
Do not turn around.
Do not ask about Mrs. Cake.

Do not own a basement. Or an attic. Or a cupboard. Or a walkin closet.
For God's Sake, do not ever go looking for the thing going bump in the night.
Do not sleep.
Do not stay awake either.
Do not own a house with windows. Or mirrors. Or stairs. Doors are generally bad too.
If you are suspicious about your house, do not buy a Ouiji board. Borrowing Ouiji boards is completely normal.
Do not fall in love. Shit always happenes when you are in love.
If your life is normal, something is going to happen to you. Something gruesome.
If your life is unusual, something is going to happen to you. Something gruesome.
Avoid shadowy figures. They dislike people. They usually dislike it if you throw things at them too.
One word. Psychics. One comes towards you, you run because they ARE professising your death.

Don't let a Ouija board in the house
Don't say Bloody Mary three times (or Candyman or Beetlejuice or any other bad guy name)
Don't say "I don't believe in ghosts"
Don't be the slut that sneaks off with her boyfriend (or any male substitute)
Don't hold a party while your folks are gone
Don't let the others know you got bitten
When Chet starts getting twitchy and wants some fresh air, check the moon--if it's full, let him out and lock the door.
Don't open the window for someone hovering at the second floor level
Don't invite a stranger into your house; don't let them use your cell phone
Don't say "just wait till I tell the police what I saw you do", better to try "you're too late, the police know and are on their way"
Don't be the mean girl
Don't be the snobby girl

Oh Oh Oh! I have a positively massive list now! You guys are awesome!

Don't be the jerk who plots against the others. You will be killed later on for 'justice'. Usually while carrying out your plan.

Don't heroically volunteer to go ahead or stay behind. You will either be killed first or totally miss all your companions being killed/abducted until you turn around to ask which way they think you should go.

don't eat stuff in the dark.
don't cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend with your best friend's girlfriend/boyfriend

don't have sex on your weekend vacation in the woods unless you are married. If you are married and on a weekend vacation in the woos, don't have sex on the unmade and dirty bed, on the floating dock in the middle of the lake or on the funny looking metal rack in the basement.

don't stop for the night at the motel that is in the middle of no where with no phone and no power
don't let the dweeb who used to 'do' magic in high school cast a spell to banish the monster

don't aggravate the new kid at your boarding school who came in the middle of the semester because their parents died suddenly and tragically.

don't stop the car after you saw someone standing in the middle of the road, but you know you didn't hear the car hit anything.

don't go to the house where you have to spend the night so you can inherit your long lost relative's estate which mostly consists of the creepy house you have to stay in.

don't go to Mama Juju's House of VooDoo as a stop on your bachelorette party outing.