Rate my excerpt?

TheSlenderman — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:03:23 +0000

This excerpt here, not the one on my novel info. Keep in mind, this is a New Moon Parody, so this scene is taking place where Jasper attacks Bella at her birthday party. Although in my version, this happens a little differently. Also, remember that Ean is Edward and Beth is Bella. Ok, READ! " Everyone turned around to see Beth clutching her right hand desperately in her left. There was blood dripping into a small puddle on the floor, originating from her middle finger. There was a new gaping wound, nearly cutting her to the bone. Everyone stopped and stared at her for a moment. But there was a peculiar look on their face. She tried to identify it. It was hunger. She tried harder to catch the blood, to stop it from pooling on the ground beneath her. It was bleeding so much that she couldn’t keep it all in. Several drops fell to the ground, making a tantalizing splash against the already formed puddle. Ean held his arms out and approached her slowly. She couldn’t help but scream. “NO!” Ean stopped in his tracks and jumped slightly backward out of surprise. “What’s the matter?” “You… you want to drink my blood! Right?” “No, you cut yourself pretty badly. I wanted to make sure you were ok,” he said, quite confused. “But you look so… so… like you’re hungry. You know, for blood.” Ean stood up straight and laughed hard. Beth had no idea what was going on. “No, no, no, Beth, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not hungry. That’s just the look I get on my face when I have to take a shit!” "

Re: Rate my excerpt?

Stormin Mormon — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 04:03:33 +0000

I like it. It was one of those quotes where it took a second for the funny to hit me, like the spice in a pepper. But then the more I thought about it, the more I started laughing. The spacing for the dialogue was definitely done well.

Re: Rate my excerpt?

TheSlenderman — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:59:28 +0000

Haha, I'm glad you like it! It's my first time writing any form of comedy that's not a screenplay, so I'm a little worried that it won't sound very good. But it made you laugh! hooray! that means I'm doing my job, at least somewhat well.

Re: Rate my excerpt?

helltank — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 08:03:04 +0000

I didn't really like or 'get' it, but I'm massively biased because I like Twilight and disapprove of Twilight parodies(but Vampires Suck was still not bad)

Re: Rate my excerpt?

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Re: Rate my excerpt?

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