Really unbelieveable/funny excuses for not coming to work.

This is my first time attempting NaNo as well as first true attempt at writing humor, and I need a little help. I have a minor character that habitually calls off and his calls will be a running gag because they're so unbelieveable. These will culminate with him being abducted by aliens, which will actually be true. Problem: I can only think of really lame excuses.

What are some crazy reasons (real or imagined) for calling in to work?
I'd appreciate any suggestions, no matter how crazy!

His father died (but it's only funny if he uses this one several times).
Jesus came to him in a dream and told him that going to work wasn't a good idea.
He was so into his soaps that he forgot what time it was.
He was on Jeopardy that day.
He died.

Well, my favorite is "I heard Justin Bieber (or some other idol) was in town, so I had to stock up on firearms."
"My cat peed all over my house." (only funny if they don't actually have a pet)
"I was on Facebook."
"I slipped on the way to my car and suffered a severe head injury." (especially if it's warm out and there's no ice to slip on)

That's all I've got for now.

True excuses I have been told:

"I won $10,000 in the pick 6 and needed to pick up the money before my car got repossessed."
"Someone broke into my house and turned off my alarm clock so I woke up late."
"I forgot I worked here. I couldn't remember where it was located to drive to work."
"Someone stole my bicycle and I couldn't ride to work."

Not true excuses:
"I woke up and couldn't figure out if it was a.m. or p.m. so I just stayed in bed."
"Exit sign on freeway got knocked down so I couldn't take the right exit."
"I have to win the word jumble before I leave the house and I just couldn't figure it out."
"I ran out of deodorant and was afraid of smelling bad."
"My fortune cookie told me it was time for a new career."

Good luck!

I wanted to get an early start on christmas shopping for next year.

If he's a guy..."I was nauseous when i woke up and had to go to the doctor to make sure I wasn't pregnant"

Someone said my trombone got broken and I went to the hospital thinking it was part of my body.

I Okay, some more outlandish ones...

"I was watching a History Channel episode on Viking attacks/Huns/Vandals/whtever and it seemed so real, I stayed home to protect my belongings. (you could use each at different times - runnign gag within a runing gag)

I heard a false rumor that the business had been closed by the Health Department (funnier if it's not a restaurant)

I heard a rumor the business had been moved overseas overnight and don't have a passport.

I'm a civil War re-enactor so I can't work while I'm doing that, sicne this job didn't exist back in the 1860s. (Or a historical re-enactment further back if needed.)

"I've contracted anal blindness. Can't see my ass coming in to work."

OMG! You guys make me laugh!!! I wish I could write this stuff. I love it!!!

Based on a true story my uncle--who's a professor--heard for an excuse. If it was a one-sided conversation, it would have gone like this:

"I was at my brother's funeral. In Ireland. You saw me around yesterday? That was my other brother. How many brothers do I have? One.
...One now, I mean."

And then some others I made up:

I was watching the Pain Olympics (Do not actually watch).
I was burying my neighbor's/ex-wife's/hated person's body.
I had to pee on a fire to put it out. It was a big fire.
I was busy robbing you.
Your spouse asked me to fix the pipes. You might need a new toilet.
The cat refused to get off my lap.

A pathetic excuse I've actually used once was:

"My contact lens tore apart this morning. I need to get new ones."

..Meh. A true one that I heard which I thought was pretty funny, was a guy who's mother called in for him saying, "Tim can't come in to work today. He has the sniffles."

I mean.. That's pretty bad.

Wow! Thank you so much guys! I knew I'd get a treasure trove of funny excuses asking you here! Some will appear as-is and some got my wheels turning in new directions.

THANK YOU ALL!

Bonus excuse, if someone is writing a story set in school. An actual, true reason why a large corner of of my homework was missing: My best friend's little brother ate my homework.
Remember kids, if you tell a toddler to do something, unless they are adimately against it, they *will* do it!