Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

TheSlenderman — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:20:35 -0600

I want to read some of you guys's humorous excerpts. So go ahead and post as many as you like. Here, I'll even start off with one of my own. "“Oh my god, Beth, I… I don’t know what… I’m so… I’m sorry…” He held out his arm and started to approach her to comfort her, but Ean and Carson slammed him against the wall again. Ean looked angrily at him and growled slightly, like he might kill him if he wasn’t careful. “Come on guys,” he pleaded with them. “No,” they both growled. “Come on Beth, It’s only a scratch!” “You bit my fucking finger off!” “Well… Look, it’s only a flesh wound! “Jared!” “You must have had worse, right!?” “That was my fucking favorite finger, Jared!” “I’m sorry! I didn’t know!” “How did you not know that it wasn’t ok to bite someone’s finger off?” “Um... Pass!” “What?” “I want a different question! Pass!” Beth looked suddenly as though she might kill him if he didn’t shut up. He sensed this right away and stopped talking. She continued to stare at him until she saw Rachel picking up her finger out of the corner of her eye. Maria was lapping the blood off of the floor and the severed part of the finger to try and get the blood off. Rachel extended her arm toward Beth, offering her the finger. “We could sew it back on, if you want.” “What? Maria’s been licking that thing for the past five minutes, why would I want it sewn back on to me after that?” “I don’t know," she said shyly. "Sounds like you were really attached to it.”

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

zenlc — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 22:01:58 -0600

When Ensign Grolsch awoke, he found himself on a very small and uncomfortable cot in a very small and uncomfortable room, whose most prominent feature was the wall constructed entirely of metal bars. As the reality of where he was dawned on him, the world started to turn gray and swim in and out of focus again. His digestive organs did a huge and rather uncomfortable flip-flop and Ensign Grolsch was positive he was going to be sick. Just as he was trying to decide which spot on the floor would be the best one to redocorate with his digestive fluids, a voice said calmly and rather quietly, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Startled completely out of the notion of throwing up, Ensign Grolsch looked around to see another "guest" in the cell across from his. Weakly, Ensign Grolsch said, "Oh? And why not?" "Oh, because I never get sick. Never once. Not even that time when I ate the spoiled ickflower leaf. So you see if I were you I wouldn't be sick." "Well, that is really much less than helpful information. Thank you for sharing. Can I just go back to being sick now?" "Well, you can if you want, but it doesn't really look like much fun." "Fun?" asked Ensign Grolsch. "Exactly what part of being in the brig do you find fun?" "Oh, it's not that bad Ensign sour puss. Look at it this way, You get to lay around all day. three times a day someone brings you food and there are no duty rosters or superior officers yelling at you. Life could be a lot worse." Ensign Grolsch was about to disagree on general principle but then he remembered the incident in the Officer's Club and had to admit, the delinquent had a point.

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

stetigst — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 03:42:30 -0600

"i'm here because the title drew me in" "ah okay"

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

Obscurite_Asile — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:44:07 -0600

My mother is the stereotypical Jewish woman, you know, besides the actually being Jewish part.

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

fantasychallange7 — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 12:01:52 -0600

That is, the pants were bright pink and speckled with a thousand tiny red and white hearts; from the somehow still popular brand of dolls that went by the title of 'barbie'. “So you can doze away in her arms,” the other man had joked, “or rather, in her pants!” Oh, Alix. Always the comedian.

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

creatorx2 — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 22:45:57 -0600

"Six months ago, when the DJ was composing this song, he was actually tripping balls and just smashing random keys on his computer then looping them and inserting funny monkey noises at various intervals. It shot to #1 within a week and has remained there to this day."

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

JacenTheBard — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 14:04:59 -0600

“I was walking, and the sky was dark, and then it reached out and chose me.” Fayel lowered the flap of leather and adjusted the headdress slightly. “And then it kept talking to me, so I started listening and talking back. And now! I am the Stormwarden! Do you like that title? I made it up myself.” “Is that why you wear the antlers, then? To talk to the earth?” Isabel was trying very hard to be sympathetic and understanding. “Yes and no. Antlers are pointy. I wear them on my head so the gods can’t swoop down and try to whisper things in my ear. It keeps the gods away so I can listen to the earth. It pokes their faces.” “You could always wear a tin helmet?” Eon mused, feeling decidedly wicked for doing so, but felt the point had to be raised.

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

tzor — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:28:23 -0600

The setup. Yes I did it. I took the occupy movement and I literally moved it into the insane future. I am sure you all heard about the women in Occupy Wall Street who stood on the street half naked with a sign "I didn't say LOOK, I said LISTEN." [quote]“We’re looking for a spokesperson,” Mary asked quietly. She was directed to a tall woman with short but wild hair surrounded by a crowd. Once they saw her, the reason for the crowd was obvious. The first thing that was obvious about her was the fact that she was completely naked. This probably would have come to no one as a total shock to anyone in the troubleshooter team save that of Kenny. Still, it’s not something one would expect of a spokesperson of any movement of citizens dressed in infrared uniforms, especially in a public place like a Middle Level Commons. The second thing was that things, for a lack of a better word, tended to sag on her. Her cheeks sagged. Her chin sagged. Her stomach sagged. The most obvious thing was that her breasts sagged. The third thing, which really should have been the first thing, was the large sign on the large pole she had next to her. On the sign was the words, “I didn’t say look, I said listen.” Mary was the first to say something, “Oh my.” June repeated Mary’s words, “Oh my.” Alfrun had an odd expression on her face. It seemed a cross between mock condemnation and approval. “Oh my,” she said slowly and deliberately. Rune and Bob stared and said in unison, “What they just said.” Kenny’s jaw had dropped completely and he said nothing. The naked woman simply said in reply, “Did you even bother to read the sign?” Bob paused. It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen a naked girl before; in fact she was the third. He was the leader and he was the one who should lead. “Yes,” he replied. “You didn’t say anything. I’m Bob-O-LAG-2 and my team and I are here to collect information about the Occupy movement here in the MLC of OAK sector. I understand you are the spokesperson of the group? We would like to formally interview you.”[/quote] Oh my!

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

tyburn_cross — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:28:05 -0600

Beads of perspiration trickled down Captain Flight's face as he looked Kitty straight in the eye. He breathed heavily, trying to retain his composure. She looked radiant, glowing with a warm satisfied smile. "Damn it!" He finally admitted, mopping his brow with a handkerchief. "I'm going to have to pass." Kitty giggled as she placed three tiles down on the Scrabble board, turning his tactically-thought out GOT into ZYGOTE. "...and with the triple word score, that makes it 60 points, thank you very much." She scribbled her score down with an air of intense smugness. "You know, I thought I was good at Scrabble. But I've never been thrashed by this significant a margin before." "That's because you've never played against a librarian," she winked at him. "Now sod the Scrabble, give us a kiss you bloody oaf." "Pardon?" But she didn't repeat herself. Instead she pushed the board aside, grabbing Flight by his lapels and planting a long, deep kiss right on his lips. The board and tiles scattered across the floor, as did Flight's hopes of a comeback in the later stages of the game. After a few seconds, all thoughts of Scrabble went out of his mind and he returned the kiss with properly-restrained gusto.

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

MinstrelOfSarcasm — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:07:40 -0600

It's a long one, but deal with it: [quote]The phone rang. RING! He shifted too quickly. His vision went black for a moment, and then he regained his bearings and moved slowly towards the phone. He didn't want to seem desperate and sitting around waiting for a phone call. That would only make him look bad. People knew when you were rushing to a phone. They could hear it in your voice. It was almost as if they could smell the anxiousness on you. But, they don’t. That’d be weird. Being able to smell people through a phone would probably ruin a lot. RING! Only a few more steps and he'd reach the phone. And yes, you needed to know that. RING! RING! "Hello?" "Hello! This is not a recording. Please press one to hear your message." "Wait, what? How is this not a recording?" "Hello! This is not a recording. Please press one to hear your message." The voice was obviously robotic and electronic in form. He rolled his eyes and complied. He really didn't have anything else worth doing. It was the early afternoon. No one did anything in the early afternoon. Most people who sat behind desks all day were asleep by 2 PM unless they managed to get enough caffeine in their system to stimulate their brains during the dead hours of the day. It wasn’t likely. The author of this novel is probably asleep right now, especially if you’re reading this at 2 PM. Anyway… "Hello Mister Peace, we would like to ask you if you'd consider changing phone services." "Y'know, I think I would. I'm tired of idiots calling me and promoting a new product. It seems like a waste of time on both parts." He knew instantly that he was going to have fun with this. Normally, the human telemarketers were more fun, but he had never really explored the options of the automated telemarketer. They probably had tons of scenarios that didn’t fit anyone in particular. Plus, he still wasn’t even sure the exact brand of the product. Perhaps he could time how long it would take him to figure it out. Clue #1: It was a phone service. Clue #2: They weren’t too proud of their name. Otherwise, they would have said it already. "If you are interested, press one. If you are not, press two. If you'd like to speak to a human representative, press three." CLICK! "You have pressed one. This means that you're interested in our product. A sales associate will be with you shortly. If you'd like to make your order through this phone call, press five." CLICK! "You have pressed five. This means that you do not want to speak to a sales representative and would rather finish your purchase through our automated service. If you would like only one phone to be connected to this program, press one. If you'd like more than one, press two. If you would like to speak to a sales associate, press four." "Four? What happened to three?" There was no one to answer his question, and the automated service could do nothing but repeat the options. "You have pressed five. This means that you do not want--" He was starting to think that he wasn’t going to get anything out of this except a bunch of regret for wasted time. "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." CLICK! "You have pressed nine. This was not one of your options. If you would like only one phone to be connected to this program, press one. If you'd like more than one, press two--" CLICK! "You have pressed six. This was not one of your options. If you would like only one phone to be connected to this program, press one. If you'd like--" He was starting to think that he wasn’t going to get anything out of this except a bunch of regret for wasted time. However, since there was nothing better to do, and no one around, watching him, to judge him for his stupidity, he continued on. CLICK! "You have pressed zero. This was not one of your options. If you would like only one phone to be connected to this program, press--" CLICK! "You have pressed seven. This was not one of your options. I'm starting to think that you're not serious about buying this product. If you would like only one--" Wait, what was that? CLICK! "You have pressed five. This was not one of your options. What's wrong with you, mister? Toying with a robot's feelings like this? You're a sick bastard. If you would like only one phone to be connected to this program, press one. If you--" It was almost impossible to restrain the giggling that was building up in his vocal cords. The day kept getting better and better. CLICK! "Okay buddy, this is enough. Go mess with another robot. We're through. And I'm keeping the ring. Have a nice day." The captor chuckled again, trying to contain his bouts of laughter that usually managed to last for a few minutes. A murder, some comedy, what next? Was a leprechaun going to frolic into his room, hand over a pot of gold, and make him some potatoes? [/quote]

Re: Hey you! Yeah, you. C'Mere.

AnAgelessTime — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 20:14:13 -0600

Back over in Nearly Straight World, Setsuko was wandering around near the vicinity of RoboTaft’s Giant Bongo Drum Industrial Park. She just wanted to find her friends so that she could enjoy her solitude with good company. Setsuko would never say it, but she kinda missed their faces being contorted into upside-down frowns as the three of them would hang out, making sure everyone else in their vicinity was having a perfectly miserable time just for being alive. Setsuko sat down by the Fanta Fountain; the flavor for this month was Kiwi Unfortunate Calamity. She tapped her foot not once, not twice, but thrice. That signal would get his attention. And sure enough, a strong wind came blowing through her hair. Erskine’s hands were already on her shoulders, and Setsuko’s blade was already through his left lung. “Ah, you are always so beautiful no matter which way I blow…” he managed to hack out before he checked out backwards into the fountain. “Hello, Erskine. A pleasure as always. And Hezzra, how are you?” Setsuko looked up to see her friend landing easily on the ground in front of her. “Oh, I can’t complain. Your family’s not here, so that always puts your thoughts into proper order,” Hezzra said as cheerfully as she cared to muster. Erskine was clearly drowning somewhat, but neither girl paid him any mind as they linked said minds to discuss what they would be doing tonight. Torturing someone they all despised would be nice, but Setsuko didn’t want to drag a body all the way back home just to use her best tools on it. The debate raged on inside their pulsing think-sacks. Erskine eventually healed with a hefty amount of Fanta in his lungs which pushed out of his ears in a comical explosion. “Come now, friends, let me in on this mind-meld.” “We have been sending you an invitation for a while, Erskine,” said Hezzra with a notable amount of disdain that she made sure was special to her friend. “Please accept so we can get your invaluable insight to fuel our mayhem.” Erskine got on with them, and the three amigos of the not entirely healthy rapport agreed to just go around the industrial park knocking over shit and basically being assholes to each other until they found something more appropriate to celebrate this completely fucked-up night. Setsuko led the charge to knocking over this cheap fountain, and the game was afoot. There we go, right in the thick of it.