How NOT to create a character

So, I don't know how much attention this thread is getting post-November (I usually hang around in the reference desk), but I thought this could be both fun and useful. Instead of using characters you really loved as inspiration, turn to characters you really, really hated. Not hated because they were a villian and you were 'supposed' to: hated because they were really badly written. Hopefully, you'll spot any similarities there are between those characters and your own, and be able to fix it!

Here are a few of mine:

Bella (Twilight):
"Hi, I'm Bella. I don't have any resoundingly nice or awesome things about me, and I'm going to spend the whole book feeling sorry for myself and fawning over a boy. A boy who watches me sleep, by the way, and is over-protective to the point of it being creepy. Anyway, that's about all I have to say, since every word that comes out of my mouth is about him; and my whole life revolves around him; and I don't really have a personality except that I am BROODY and DEEP, y'all."

Edward (Twilight):
"Yeah, I basically just exist because my maker had a crush on someone like me in high school; or STILL has a crush on someone like me; or wishes they could meet someone like me; or likes to think about me. I'm absolutely stunning and kind and deep and mysterious and have SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH and I like the weird new girl and I'm like freakin' Mary Poppins, except I'm not 'practically' perfect in every way, I'm just... Perfect."

Daisy (How I Live Now) - even though I actually really like that book!
"I have an eating disorder; and I'm in love with someone; and I'm all broody because my family SUCKS in the most middle-class non-sucky way; and basically I have a really terrible life, don't you see that? Oh and there's a war going on and I hear voices sometimes and maybe I cut myself maybe I don't. Also, don't ever mess with me because I'm, like, all tough and stuff. I have SOOOOO much going on, you guys!"

So, that ought to get the ball rolling!

Garion (The Belgariad):
Hi. I'm just an ordinary farm boy, living with my aunt, who works in the kitchen. Nothing extraordinary about me -- except this tendency to see strange figures, hear voices, and a birthmark, and . . . well, then they tell me I'm a Chosen One. What? No way! I mean, sure, I've heard the stories all my life, but I never made the glaringly obvious connections anyone who glanced at the legends could figure out in five minutes. So now I'm on a quest to save the world. Since my aunt and grandfather wanted to protect me, they wouldn't tell me a thing until we're in the middle of it. Ignorance is safety, right? Thankfully, I've got all my awesome friends to protect me. They're so much cooler than I am, but that's okay, because I'm still the Chosen One. And it's a good thing they're along -- especially since the story wouldn't change all that much if they replaced me with a magical fence post. But I'm the Chosen One.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (My Immortal):
Oh my goth, poor poor me, I am like sooo depressed at the moment even though I have, like, no reason to be unless you count an inability to spell or know basic words. I'm a gothic vampire so I love to drink blood and I even put it in my cereal, but for some reason I never drink my own blood even though I am so depressd I cut myself and I clearly have much more blood than anyone else. I have this, like, huuuge crush on Draco (he's gothic too, and if you say otherwise then you're a prep and I hate preps) and I'm always dressing really sexily for him and we French kiss passively all the time, and you'll never guess but......... we have had sex. Anyway, I'm a goth so I dress all in black except that would be boring so I'll tell you all about what I'm wearing in all its colours, and because I'm a vampire I cry tears of blood, which means that when I tell you I have eyes like limpid tears they are red not blue, but they are blue, and if you tell me I'm like dumb or something then......... you're not gothic and that's the worst insult I can think of. Everyone loves me but I hate them all, except Draco, and did I tell you that I'm gothic?

"My Immortal" has to be one of the funniest things ever written. In what I've paraphrased here, I have fixed all the spelling errors. I still haven't been able to struggle though the whole story, but it only goes downhill after the first couple chapters – though that's barely possible!

Love this thread.

Sookie (The Sookie Stackhouse Series aka True Blood)
"Hi, I'm Sookie (Sook-ehh, as Bill says). I'm just a young, hot girl with gigantic boobs that can, like, read minds. I'm, like, really smart too, I have a 'Word-a-day' calendar to, like, improve my vocabulary even more. I love having sex with vampires because I can't hear their minds when we do it...oh wait, I can hear them sometimes but I never tell anyone this secret and hardly ever mention it again. Anyway, my favourite clothes are tight white shirts to show off my GIGANTIC BOOBS and awesomely tanned skin and also little black shorts to show off my awesomely toned legs.
But, you know, I'm not a slut... despite all the kinky vampire/werewolf/other sex."

Daisy, from Warriors. She's this stray cat who joined the main hero-cats (Thunderclan) so that the twolegs wouldn't take her kits away.
Hi, my name is Daisy! I'm like, having kits, one of whom whom is really annoying, not like I would ever admit that because there is no way any of my kittens could POSSIBLY be ANYTHING less than PERFECT, especially not my dear sweet darling Berrypoo. So, even though you've explained the concept of the clans to me like, a million times, can you tell it to me again? Cause like, why can't we all just get along? I don't LIKE fighting the evil meanie cats...boohoo, I want everything to be all sugary-sweet and PERFECT, because obviously becoming a queen permanently, despite having only one litter of kits, has reduced my brain size to that of a walnut. Soo like, why do we fight again?
Hollyleaf, who's also from Warriors. I was so happy when she died.
Yay, I'm Hollypaw! I totally want to be a medicine cat because, like, medicine cats are SOO important, and stuff. And I wanna be important! No wait, all of this is boring and wounds are way gross. I'll just switch places with my poor dear blind brother instead of bothering with all of these stupid leaves that I can never remember the names of! Oh noes, what about his poor mentor? Oh well. I'm one of the Three, and so even though I've shown absolutely no abilities whatsoever when both of my brothers already have, I'm very important. Be nice to me! I love the Warrior Code. It's just so amazing, and perfect, and sacred, and holy, and basically, I worship it blindly. There's like, NO way that a set of rules set down by PERFECTLY ORDINARY AND THEREFORE FLAWED CATS could ever not be perfect. But--but--that's against the Warrior Code! *Gasp* Without the Warrior Code, we're no better than ROGUES or LONERS, and obviously that would be awful. All rogues must be evil by default, as are 99.9% of the loners and of Shadowclan. *GASP* What do you mean she's not our mother? Who could our real mother POSSIBLY be? *Naturally, the answer was obvious* What if--what if she's not even clanborn? I don't care that our incredibly awesome leader isn't clanborn, if I'M not clanborn, then all of the years I've spent growing up in Thunderclan that should make me a part of it no matter what are rendered meaningless, because ALL WARRIOR CATS ARE PERFECT ESPECIALLY THUNDERCLAN CATS AND ALL OTHER CATS ARE POINTLESS AND STUPID. Ooh, let's kill someone to cover up the very non-shocking secret I found out! And then let's reveal the secret to every single cat in the clans! HAHAHAHAH I'm evil, but it's okay because I'm insane and I think I'm doing the right thing! I hate my mother and my surrogate mother because both of them lied to me and despite raising me for all of those years and learning to love me as her own, I hate Squirrelflight because she lied. And even though Leafpool obviously only wanted what was best for me so that I wouldn't become an outcast, I hate her too, because she lied. And I hate Ashfur, because he wants to shame me. I can shame MYSELF, mousebrain! Yay, now let's go die in the tunnels! Only guess what--I might be coming back laterz!
Both of these cats annoyed me to no end before the one died and the other stopped appearing very much.

To counter Ebony from My Immortal:

Jo Bekke (Jo Bekke goes to Hogwarts)

My name is Jo Bekke, and I'm Harry Potter's twin sister who can't spell much more than my own name. And while I go to Hogwarts, I hang out with my brother and terrorize those "black gay Northerners" I hate so much like that Ellen woman.

That's from what I can remember. I skimmed the first 55 chapters last week, and it puts My Immortal to shame. At least the first few chapters of that were funny in its awfulness.