The Review Your Excerpt Thread

Yes, this tried-and-true thread is back again. Like the "Would You Read It" thread, you can't post here asking for a review of your excerpt. You need to review someone else's before your own excerpt can receive feedback . . . well, except for this opening post anyway. XD Of course, this rule applies to me every post I make here thereafter.

Negative feedback as fine as long as it is constructive. No trollin', 'kay? :)

So yeah, discuss our excerpts and what you think of our work so far. Me, myself, I wound up starting over already with my alternate idea because of various struggles so my word count is REALLY lagging right now. Hopefully I'll catch up soon.

Have fun!

@ rebel_cheese: Glad this thread got made! ^^
I read your excerpt, I like it a lot. Sounds like something I would probably enjoy reading and I like how the formatting you chose helped add to the chaos in the MC's mind. I often don't like 1st person but I had a lot of fun reading your excerpt. It reminds me a lot of the things my characters think though I write in 3rd but try to give the same effect sometimes. Nice job!

@ LuLiLa
Hm, first things first you might want to break up your paragraphs with an extra line break in the excerpt box, since there aren't any indents and the big block of text makes it very difficult to read. Also, there are a lot of short, simple sentences - which seems like what you were going for, to add to the suspense and clinical atmosphere, but it just makes it... difficult to read, and very repetitive. Also, make friends with the comma! XD It'll make things flow much smoother if you sprinkle some commas in. Otherwise, it's a very intriguing concept.

@ rebel_cheese
I like the train-of-thought style, and I'm really very interested in your summary and the potential it has. I do think that it's a little.... too much, that each questioning thought gets beat to death over and over again, which makes it lose the impact of each discovery. And it's disorienting for the reader, but the later paragraphs were evening out, so. I really like it :) I am... very curious.

I don't feel I've written anything that would make a good excerpt yet, but I hope my summary will be enough for you readers.

@rebel_cheese: Your plot looks interesting, just from reading the summary. I tend not to read supernatural works, but your excerpt just goes right to the gut. It's powerful. I don't mind the first-person, either, because you never let go of the MC's voice. I would love to read more.

@LuLiLa: I love the idea of your summary because I like twisted future/corrupt society-type stories. Your formatting was hard to read, though, you just need to get used to using line breaks where appropriate. Do it for emphasis or when it feels right to separate things. The atmosphere is as creepy as I think you were going for, though. I can see it going in a lot of different directions. And I love your title. :]

@liacorangiger: yours seems so simple yet so complicate, i don't know, i like it but I can't picture the synopsis going along the same lines of your excerpt so it seems really interesting.

@lulila: was a little hard to read, added to the barrier language, but after a second read to some parts it seems wonderful, a little tedious for me maybe for the lack of paragraph break, but the ideas, the way you put them together, the way you wrote it. I really really like it.

@antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino)

I am intrigued, although I would have liked to know more such as who said the quote it and to who they said it to. You mentioned it would be written in Spanish though. It is something that has been said before (about love) but I like the way in which you write and describe it.

nope, never has been said in spanish before. When I write like quotes or such I tend to google or say it to my best friend in case someone has said it before.

well, i thought about putting who said it, but it would give away too much / spoiler alert hahah: but the point is the hunters kill asthenia's only friend but asthenia brought him back to life, and now they're holding hands, and if asthenia let go of him he will die. and now they're on a journy wanting to escape and destroy the evil lord, but vinsil (asthenias only friend / he is also in love with asthenia) says she needs to let him go in order for her to survive and destroy the evil lord, and then asthenia says that quote.

btw @agent pendergast: woow, i love yours. I think it's amazing, the synopsis and the excerpt. Looks like something I would definitely read. good job, I can't think of a critique. it's already good for me :)

^ Thanks for the advice everyone! Once I get home I'll work on adding more paragraph breaks and see if I can add back in those indents that disappeared when copying and pasting. I also should look over it again since I've never read through it or gone back to edit it since I wrote it.

@Melmes:

The biggest issue is the lack of paragraph breaks. It gives this sense of WALL OF TEXT that makes it difficult to read. I think a little bit too much time is spent on rambling. There's a lot of filler in your characters' dialogue and in your prose and that makes it difficult to feel a sense of progression or find a hook that draws me in. I realize there must be a bit of a King Arthur theme judging by the characters' names but the uniqueness from that isn't really evident in your excerpt. There just isn't enough there to hook me, it just feels like endless exposition.

I hope I don't sound too harsh. Years ago I wrote like that too. I've been there. It's something you'll grow out of as you find your style. Just keep writing and you'll progress beyond this. :)

Hi, I'm wondering if someone could read the excerpt of my book, Flight of the Phoenix. It's pretty short, and probably won't make sense, since it's mid-book. I just wanted to know if it's interesting, and if you'd want to read more. Please be honest! Thanks, hope you'll enjoy it.

@rebel_cheese

I think your excerpt has a lot of potential. There are plenty of lines in it that really punch the reader straight in the gut and amp up the tension. The problem is, they're bogged down by the constant repetitive questions. Some of them work and "feel right" to me, but other ones are grating and feel like they don't belong. Amidst some of these really, really cool lines, it feels like they're fat on a delicious steak. I want to continue enjoying the steak, not getting a bite of fat every time I dig in.

Your writing style is very concrete and excellent with detail. I like the way you hooked me and got me straight into Sam's head. I'm not entirely sure the "one line per paragraph" style is working for me, though. In some instances it does, but when we get to all the questions and repetition it stops working. I think if you pared the excerpt down to the "steak" of the writing, you'd have something very powerful and hard-hitting. And certainly quite addictive to read.

The voice is certainly very authentic. I definitely feel like I'm in a disoriented teenager's head. It almost makes me wonder if you've experienced a similar situation. It feels very real. Aside from the questions (albeit some of them work) the thought process seems very disorganized and chaotic, which suits the situation.

Good job.

@ J.A. Kosse

I love it. the characters and concept intrigue me and I find myself caring about them and what happens to them almost immediately. [though I do hope that this is geared towards older teens with all the sensuality. ;)] it is a story that I would love to read in its entirety once its finished, so please keep writing!

@ Ofoust_2011

Nice! Very well written. The prose is very immersive and I found myself wanting to know more about the setting and background. I'd definitely read more if I had the chance. I only have one question, which is this:

“Why did you show yourself then, Milanq? Do you have a death wish that you would like me to fulfill? Or maybe you had heard the rumors at the base that I would do favors for the Recruits and you thought you’d try your hand? ”
the grip he had on his hunting knife tightened and he set his jaw.

Is there a bit missing from there?

My exerpt and synopsis are both very short, but if anyone would read my novel based on them (or can tell me what I could improve on) that would be awesome kthnxlolbye

@ a_coocoobrain

Nice! I like your idea, even though you only have a little bit in your Novel Info area. It's intriguing...definitely the snappy dialogue excerpt catches my attention :) Is the island abandoned? Haha, I'm wondering what's going to happen. Sorry I can't critique longer -- your Novel Info is pretty short.

My excerpt is small, but if anyone would like to have a look it would be appreciated :).

My excerpt is just simply my prologue, I'm not that far enough to share something juicy, but it's short and to the point

@ wheadee That's intriguing to me! It would be cool if you put some more in there, but I would read it! :)

My excerpt is up and ready for review.