The Review Your Excerpt Thread http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674 rebel_cheese Yes, this tried-and-true thread is back again. Like the "Would You Read It" thread, you can't post here asking for a review of your excerpt. You need to review someone else's before your own excerpt can receive feedback . . . well, except for this opening post anyway. XD Of course, this rule applies to me every post I make here thereafter. Negative feedback as fine as long as it is constructive. No trollin', 'kay? :) So yeah, discuss our excerpts and what you think of our work so far. Me, myself, I wound up starting over already with my alternate idea because of various struggles so my word count is REALLY lagging right now. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. Have fun! Sat, 05 Nov 2011 13:53:20 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_489472 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_489472 LuLiLa @ rebel_cheese: Glad this thread got made! ^^ I read your excerpt, I like it a lot. Sounds like something I would probably enjoy reading and I like how the formatting you chose helped add to the chaos in the MC's mind. I often don't like 1st person but I had a lot of fun reading your excerpt. It reminds me a lot of the things my characters think though I write in 3rd but try to give the same effect sometimes. Nice job! Sat, 05 Nov 2011 14:12:14 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_489767 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_489767 liacoraginger @ LuLiLa Hm, first things first you might want to break up your paragraphs with an extra line break in the excerpt box, since there aren't any indents and the big block of text makes it very difficult to read. Also, there are a lot of short, simple sentences - which seems like what you were going for, to add to the suspense and clinical atmosphere, but it just makes it... difficult to read, and very repetitive. Also, make friends with the comma! XD It'll make things flow much smoother if you sprinkle some commas in. Otherwise, it's a very intriguing concept. @ rebel_cheese I like the train-of-thought style, and I'm really very interested in your summary and the potential it has. I do think that it's a little.... too much, that each questioning thought gets beat to death over and over again, which makes it lose the impact of each discovery. And it's disorienting for the reader, but the later paragraphs were evening out, so. I really like it :) I am... very curious. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:06:48 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_496197 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_496197 LuLiLa Thanks! I do need to add more paragraph breaks in and my whole story is very much a rough draft and I am always very repetitive in my writing, I'll probably try to fix that after I've gotten the 50,000 words done. Oh and by the way the lack of indents is not my doing, when I copied and pasted it over the indents disappeared for some reason. Also in a way I like certain climactic parts to be a bit confusing to the reader since to me it helps them have a better feel of the chaos the MC is facing. Thanks for the help, I appreciate it. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:36:54 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_497006 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_497006 LuLiLa Oh, also I forgot to mention that I did a few shorter sentences and such purely because my English teacher is always reprimanding me for writing run on sentences, it's funny that you say I don't use many commas though since every other person who has reviewed my work (not this particular excerpt though) claimed I use far too many commas. Ugh, so much conflicting advice... Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:47:40 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_497300 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_497300 Selo I don't feel I've written anything that would make a good excerpt yet, but I hope my summary will be enough for you readers. @rebel_cheese: Your plot looks interesting, just from reading the summary. I tend not to read supernatural works, but your excerpt just goes right to the gut. It's powerful. I don't mind the first-person, either, because you never let go of the MC's voice. I would love to read more. @LuLiLa: I love the idea of your summary because I like twisted future/corrupt society-type stories. Your formatting was hard to read, though, you just need to get used to using line breaks where appropriate. Do it for emphasis or when it feels right to separate things. The atmosphere is as creepy as I think you were going for, though. I can see it going in a lot of different directions. And I love your title. :] Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:05:40 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_499332 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_499332 antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino) @liacorangiger: yours seems so simple yet so complicate, i don't know, i like it but I can't picture the synopsis going along the same lines of your excerpt so it seems really interesting. @lulila: was a little hard to read, added to the barrier language, but after a second read to some parts it seems wonderful, a little tedious for me maybe for the lack of paragraph break, but the ideas, the way you put them together, the way you wrote it. I really really like it. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:12:28 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_499518 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_499518 Agent Pendergast @antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino) I am intrigued, although I would have liked to know more such as who said the quote it and to who they said it to. You mentioned it would be written in Spanish though. It is something that has been said before (about love) but I like the way in which you write and describe it. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:43:42 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500511 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500511 antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino) nope, never has been said in spanish before. When I write like quotes or such I tend to google or say it to my best friend in case someone has said it before. well, i thought about putting who said it, but it would give away too much / spoiler alert hahah: but the point is the hunters kill asthenia's only friend but asthenia brought him back to life, and now they're holding hands, and if asthenia let go of him he will die. and now they're on a journy wanting to escape and destroy the evil lord, but vinsil (asthenias only friend / he is also in love with asthenia) says she needs to let him go in order for her to survive and destroy the evil lord, and then asthenia says that quote. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:50:44 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500725 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500725 antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino) btw @agent pendergast: woow, i love yours. I think it's amazing, the synopsis and the excerpt. Looks like something I would definitely read. good job, I can't think of a critique. it's already good for me :) Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:53:14 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500782 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_500782 LuLiLa ^ Thanks for the advice everyone! Once I get home I'll work on adding more paragraph breaks and see if I can add back in those indents that disappeared when copying and pasting. I also should look over it again since I've never read through it or gone back to edit it since I wrote it. Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:04:15 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_501071 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_501071 liacoraginger No, yeah, I meant that the site won't let you put indents in, that's why I add line breaks XD and yeah, conflicting advice is always going to happen. go with what sounds good to you, what you would like to read :) Sun, 06 Nov 2011 03:55:01 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_511201 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_511201 mommywantstoread @antonia I read your synopsis of your book...it looks like a great concept. I'm almost sad that it will be in spanish as I would love to read a book like that. Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:06:01 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522017 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522017 Melmes @agentpendergrast, I second this comment; your story sounds really interesting and more importantly, it stands out to me as being particularly original in a sea of books about paranormal matters this year - look for ward to reading more! Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:19:32 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522317 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522317 Melmes @rebel-cheese: I am intrigued by your excerpt, and it definitely makes me want to read further. I do think you could tighten it up by removing some of the questions and condensing others - you're pushing your readers' patience with so much repetition (in my opinion). Aside from that, it reads like you are off to a great start! Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:25:46 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522455 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_522455 rebel_cheese @Melmes: The biggest issue is the lack of paragraph breaks. It gives this sense of WALL OF TEXT that makes it difficult to read. I think a little bit too much time is spent on rambling. There's a lot of filler in your characters' dialogue and in your prose and that makes it difficult to feel a sense of progression or find a hook that draws me in. I realize there must be a bit of a King Arthur theme judging by the characters' names but the uniqueness from that isn't really evident in your excerpt. There just isn't enough there to hook me, it just feels like endless exposition. I hope I don't sound too harsh. Years ago I wrote like that too. I've been there. It's something you'll grow out of as you find your style. Just keep writing and you'll progress beyond this. :) Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:12:54 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_610634 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_610634 wheadee I liked yours, my younger brother lives down south, but from what I see on Facebook, I see that he can be taunting to his older sister too! A few nitpicks though, when speaking and using ! points, you don't have to capitalize the speech tag, for example : "No!" she screamed. You would only capitalize if it's a name or it's not a tag. I saw two errors, "she refused to open 'her' eyes" and "ceiling," other than that, I really enjoyed it, nice job! And agreed, Saturday is for sleeping in! Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:36:03 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_611084 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_611084 KXMing Hi, I'm wondering if someone could read the excerpt of my book, Flight of the Phoenix. It's pretty short, and probably won't make sense, since it's mid-book. I just wanted to know if it's interesting, and if you'd want to read more. Please be honest! Thanks, hope you'll enjoy it. Thu, 10 Nov 2011 05:28:12 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_612978 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_612978 J.A. Kosse @rebel_cheese I think your excerpt has a lot of potential. There are plenty of lines in it that really punch the reader straight in the gut and amp up the tension. The problem is, they're bogged down by the constant repetitive questions. Some of them work and "feel right" to me, but other ones are grating and feel like they don't belong. Amidst some of these really, really cool lines, it feels like they're fat on a delicious steak. I want to continue enjoying the steak, not getting a bite of fat every time I dig in. Your writing style is very concrete and excellent with detail. I like the way you hooked me and got me straight into Sam's head. I'm not entirely sure the "one line per paragraph" style is working for me, though. In some instances it does, but when we get to all the questions and repetition it stops working. I think if you pared the excerpt down to the "steak" of the writing, you'd have something very powerful and hard-hitting. And certainly quite addictive to read. The voice is certainly very authentic. I definitely feel like I'm in a disoriented teenager's head. It almost makes me wonder if you've experienced a similar situation. It feels very real. Aside from the questions (albeit some of them work) the thought process seems very disorganized and chaotic, which suits the situation. Good job. Thu, 10 Nov 2011 06:47:01 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_614097 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_614097 robink @KXMing I truly enjoyed reading your excerpt! Really nice writing - I got into it and I don't go for fantasy or sci-fi usually. Since you asked for some input, my only beef is that there is a little too much telling that you don't need. You do an excellent job of showing, so maybe not so much telling? Even if they are clever cliches, I got distracted by them. Some examples: Those words definitely sounded better in my head. Almost like that time I overdosed on espresso jellybeans. As if the plant could understand exactly what I was saying. and a feeling of annoyance and frustration leapt through me. -- My two cents! Congratulations, best excerpt I've seen yet! Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:23:41 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_614485 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_614485 Ofoust_2011 @ J.A. Kosse I love it. the characters and concept intrigue me and I find myself caring about them and what happens to them almost immediately. [though I do hope that this is geared towards older teens with all the sensuality. ;)] it is a story that I would love to read in its entirety once its finished, so please keep writing! Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:30:30 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_615521 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_615521 Lempicka @ Ofoust_2011 Nice! Very well written. The prose is very immersive and I found myself wanting to know more about the setting and background. I'd definitely read more if I had the chance. I only have one question, which is this: “Why did you show yourself then, Milanq? Do you have a death wish that you would like me to fulfill? Or maybe you had heard the rumors at the base that I would do favors for the Recruits and you thought you’d try your hand? ” the grip he had on his hunting knife tightened and he set his jaw. Is there a bit missing from there? Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:57:21 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_616081 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_616081 Ofoust_2011 Kind of. an earlier part of the story has to be read before that makes complete sense to a reader. Honestly, I was debating giving more information in that section, but the explanation is better off earlier on in the story line. :) I am glad you like it! I am still debating whether to try to publish it or not. Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:16:30 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_626985 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_626985 a_coocoobrain My exerpt and synopsis are both very short, but if anyone would read my novel based on them (or can tell me what I could improve on) that would be awesome kthnxlolbye Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:30:52 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_627186 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_627186 Melmes You don't sound harsh - this is drafting, after all. I know there's a lot of extra in there and it needs tightening and a lot of cleaning up - there are clearly already sections that need to be removed and things that need to be written in and things that need to be entirely re-written - but right now, I'm focused on getting the draft out. Polishing until it shines like a 10 karat diamond can happen...when I have a full draft to work with. :o) Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:40:54 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628418 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628418 Misamiera @ a_coocoobrain Nice! I like your idea, even though you only have a little bit in your Novel Info area. It's intriguing...definitely the snappy dialogue excerpt catches my attention :) Is the island abandoned? Haha, I'm wondering what's going to happen. Sorry I can't critique longer -- your Novel Info is pretty short. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 01:05:18 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628879 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628879 Jayne2 Definitely a short excerpt, but let's have a look anyway :)... I find the first part with the 'every day is a day one' a little...strange to read. I get what you mean, but to me it feels like it should say 'every day IS day one', the 'a' seems out of place, even though I get the meaning. God should be capatilised (I think? Or is that just due to religious beliefs? If so, disregard comment...). Sentences are a little choppy, but they may very well what you are going after and can be very effective :). I want to read on; what is the island? Why is your character documenting this? Why do they sound so pessimistic? Fri, 11 Nov 2011 01:10:00 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628952 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628952 Jayne2 My excerpt is small, but if anyone would like to have a look it would be appreciated :). Fri, 11 Nov 2011 01:10:04 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628954 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_628954 wheadee My excerpt is just simply my prologue, I'm not that far enough to share something juicy, but it's short and to the point Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:01:13 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_633812 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_633812 bohemiangrl316 Your novel sounds interesting and it seems you could do a lot with it depending on which direction you take it. It is a small excerpt so it's hard to tell just what you're going to do, but so far it at least sounds interesting and seems to leave room for plenty of opportunities. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:23:17 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634089 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634089 R_C_LandPsMommy05 @ wheadee That's intriguing to me! It would be cool if you put some more in there, but I would read it! :) Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:24:48 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634106 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634106 bohemiangrl316 You're excerpt is intriguing. I'd be curious to know the exact story and where that fits in. I definitely think it would make me want to read if only to discover that. One minor little mistake is I believe you meant staring and you spelled it as starring at one point. I do think the idea that I get from your excerpt, even if it is short, is pretty interesting thus far. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:25:45 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634120 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634120 bohemiangrl316 My excerpt is up and ready for review. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:26:17 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634128 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_634128 R_C_LandPsMommy05 Dang, okay. I have to read another one. Here I go. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:26:28 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634132 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634132 R_C_LandPsMommy05 bohemiangrl136, I like your excerpt! I would definitely read more! :) Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:31:19 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634185 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634185 R_C_LandPsMommy05 Okay, now mine is up and ready. :) Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:32:09 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634192 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634192 bohemiangrl316 I like yours as well. It's interesting and certainly intriguing. I'd be curious to see what happens to the characters and just how the pieces come together in your novel. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:41:05 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634269 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634269 Ashurrii I like how your excerpt definitely jumps into the bulk - but I think you're using your dialogue to make up for telling, instead of showing. You don't have to load down the readers with so much at once. Let the how's and why's come at its own pace and it won't be such a verbal overload. Another thing I'd point out is that in your dialogue, you lack a lot of description. I don't mean you have to say so-and-so said this like this etc. but you could show some personality. Show the fear through stances and actions. Elaborate on what everyone is doing. Descriptions really help develop your writing and help the audience focus on something. I would also like to advise you to read your dialogue out loud. Does it sound befitting of something people would say? The phrasing sometimes feels awfully contrived. How would YOU explain the situation? However, I like the idea! Ghosts/dead are the sort of paranormal phenomena abandoned in favor of creatures more "adapt" to romance, but I think ghosts are the much more immediate, much more like realistic paranormal aspect. Exploring death is intriguing and I'd like to see you explore your "mythology", if you will. Why can he see dead people? And more importantly, why haven't these dead people passed on, especially knowing they're dead? What tethers to them our corporeal world? You have so many liberties here; endless possibilities for you to play with! :) Fri, 11 Nov 2011 07:52:14 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634956 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_634956 MissAngelAdorer Not really here to have mine reviewed (I'm far too self-concious) but I have to say, Ashurrii, yours sounds awesome. I'd love to read a book that is so well written with such great dialogue. I feel like I know the charactes, which is great. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:15:47 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_641220 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_641220 R_C_LandPsMommy05 Which one of you guys was reviewing mine? Were there two? I'm confused. Didn't review the last person's because she said she didn't want it. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:53:38 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_647348 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_647348 R_C_LandPsMommy05 [quote=R_C_LandPsMommy05] Which one of you guys was reviewing mine? Were there two? I'm confused. Didn't review the last person's because she said she didn't want it. [/quote] Nevermind. Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:57:16 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_647410 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_647410 robink bohemiangrl316 You are obviously a good writer and know how to put together an interesting story. My only concern is that you tell us too much. Don't tell me you're in pain, show me why it hurts, make me hurt! "I moved my shoulder and winced" could be more effective than "My shoulder hurt really bad." I'm not quoting you just giving an idea of at least a break from telling the reader how bad it was. You want the reader to feel your pain. My two cents! Sat, 12 Nov 2011 03:18:36 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_650190 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_650190 Reese_Roper I don't know whose exactly to review, so I'll do the last two. Ashurrii: I love your dialog, but I feel like the prose in between is lacking. I'm not sure what's going on during the talking. At one point I thought it might have switched to another point in time -"said Justin that first day I admitted to seeing him"- yet it was never mentioned at which point you were switching to that past view. R_C_LandPsMommy05: You do a great job of fleshing out your characters. I can really feel the connection between them. It's a little odd trying to tell what you need more of or less of in terms of detail, since this seems to be a excerpt from the "middle" of the story, not the very beginning, but from what I've seen, I'm certainly intrigued enough to find out. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 03:49:20 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_650738 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_650738 Ashurrii ;] I thiiiink you may have gotten those mixed up a bit. :X Justin is from R_C_LandPsMommy05's excerpt, haha. SO, in the act that your review for R_C_LandPsMommy05 was actually for me, haha, thank you! :3 I take that as a high compliment. :D Sat, 12 Nov 2011 06:53:15 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_653670 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_653670 Ashurrii Thank you so much! Ahhhh that's such a compliment, especially given I haven't edited that excerpt at all. (I already found errors in it, ugh.) Conveying the relationship and who the characters are is such an important task for me in that scene and knowing I've accomplished that much REALLY takes a lot of stress out of the writing so far, haha! And I know you said you're too self-conscious for a review but I have to say. I am REALLY intrigued by your book premise! I would love to see some of it sometime, if you ever get the courage. :) The idea is (loosely) similar to something I'm working on in the side - that whole running away and making a choice between reality and fantasy and it's SUCH a fun topic to explore. I'd love to see how you go about it! Sat, 12 Nov 2011 06:56:18 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_653725 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_653725 Suzana Mazon I agree with Antonio Arvayo, Agent Pendergast has a fantastic premise. I hope you see it through to completion! Good luck. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:39:41 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656106 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656106 Suzana Mazon I like your story idea. I have some questions and ideas where the concept could go... 1. How do you do intimate things (bathroom) if you have to hold onto the life you have revived? Is there any way that maybe they could do it by allowing them to touch something in common like a scarf, or braidings of her hair made into a rope? 2. Can she hold more than one life she's revived? If she can only hold onto one life, and she's holding her best friend - what would she do if her mother were to die? If she can hold onto more than one, does she soon have a lot of people trailing after her? 3. How do you have relationships with people you haven't revived? 4. How do you make sure you don't accidentally lose the connection. If I have to hold hands and sneeze, or roll over in my sleep and break the connection? 5. How does she feel if she lets someone or something die forever? 6. Can she revive herself? In English, I think the language is too flowery. In Spanish, it may read better. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:48:30 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656182 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656182 Suzana Mazon Agent Pendergast. I love your book idea. There's a lot of potential with the basic concept provided. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:50:51 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656207 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_656207 livreestvivre @Ashurri: I REALLY like yours! It sounds really interesting and I would absolutely love to read it:) One thing confused me though: why are they referring to him as Mr. Quick? And how old are Roi and Poppy? It may come up in the actually text but I just thought maybe you could make that a little more clear:) And anyone feel free to review mine... :P Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:46:00 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_656679 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_656679 bohemiangrl316 @livreestvivre Wow! That is definitely an excerpt to pull someone in. It definitely calls for readers attention and I would definitely read that and want to pick up the book and see where you take it and what you do. I don't even truly have any criticism because it's very good. The only thing I saw is that there was one little sentence fragment that didn't really make sense to me. "We are silent, catching our breath. For two seconds, and then the world shatters." For two seconds what? Should that be part of the previous sentence or should you add something like For two seconds everything was fine? Other than that one little sentence fragment, I think your excerpt was amazing and thrilling. It really made me sit on edge for just a small little excerpt so I definitely think that's a good excerpt to pull in. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:29:02 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657098 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657098 livreestvivre thanks! that was probably just a typing error i didn't notice before. thank you so much though! Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:35:52 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657176 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657176 bohemiangrl316 You're quite welcome :D Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:42:25 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657239 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_657239 Reese_Roper Oops, sorry! xD Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:38:58 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_658674 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_658674 Loki Mischief-Maker @bohemiangirl316: I like the opening, and the focusing on the pain. It communicates the severity rather well, since it takes your narrator some time to get past it and focus on anything else, and even then, noticing in short bursts of information. When you edit, I'd suggest streamlining a little of the following description, of the golden man and her memories of Joshua, because they feel like they drag on a bit, but other than that, this is a really intriguing scene. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:39:49 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_658681 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_658681 Suzana Mazon bohemiangrl316 I have to agree with Robink. Too much telling and not enough showing. I have the same problem myself, and I have to constantly work on telling the story like a narrator or letting the MC tell the story. Also, with telling - you use the word "pain" a lot in the first paragraph. If you were showing us how much he hurt - the reader would know he's in pain. It's a good story premise, I want to know what the twins are, I've never heard the phrase. Would the Michael have a sadistic grin if he was sorry he had to kill the boys? I can't wait to see what the twins are (if they even come back to life) and how they might impact Heaven. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:42:36 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_660514 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_660514 Ashurrii Thank-you! Haha, about the Mr. Quick: when Roi first meets Oliver, he's wearing a nametag sticker with Mr. Quick on it and introduces himself as such. Throughout the text, Roi calls him Mr. Quick and he calls her Miss Roi. Buuuut in the narration, she DOES begin calling him Oliver as a sort of insinuation they've moved beyond formalities. Also, they're both eighteen. The book takes place during the summer before college. Haha, yes, it's mentioned earlier in the writing. Once I can get on a computer, I'll check yours out! :) Sat, 12 Nov 2011 21:20:36 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_662213 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_662213 Ashurrii It's all good! XD I figured that's what happened, haha. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 21:22:02 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_662244 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_662244 Lempicka @ Loki Mischief-Maker I like it a lot! It's so rare to see a (what seems to be) transgender protagonist, much less one in a magical fantasy setting. And I can't find any fault with your excerpt. The whole thing reads smoothly and at a decent pace, and does a good job of building a sense of mystery concerning the whole voice/dream intrusion thing. Nicely done. I can certainly relate to Val. Definite thumbs up. Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:51:31 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_663876 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_663876 lizo27 @Lempicka: I love your except! It's very well-written; I like the pacing of the action. It gives a real sense of Vatic's fear and yet somehow convinces you that he deserves exactly what Scratch and Simon are dishing out to him. Well done! Sun, 13 Nov 2011 02:53:30 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_667857 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_667857 antonio arvayo (bajo el pseudónimo klev rhino) 1. well, asthenia is not in a long battle, the climax of the book goes only in like 10-20 pages and that's one and a half day so they don't go to the bathroom or anything like that. 2. only one life. that's the whole point of the book and also is explained in chapter 7. + in the big twist of the end it's revelead a lot of her parents, how she got her powers, what she can do with them and a thing that makes my friends be like: omg! i'd totally read that. wooow!. 3. I don't get the question sorry :( 4. that's another point, the tension, the nervousness that she can loose everything in one sec. so she hold on tight but Vinsil sees that this is too fragile and that's why he asks her to let go. again, like I said, she is not attached to Vinsil for too long. 5. she doesn't experience anything, but that has to do with the ending I told you in point 2. 6. No she can't. Sun, 13 Nov 2011 08:31:57 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_672451 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_672451 partysmores Mine, anyone? I hope you guys like it. Sun, 13 Nov 2011 16:00:41 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_675055 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_675055 Suzana Mazon @lizo27 I really like your book Blood Magic. I wish I could have started at the beginning to figure out why some of the characters are "Mr." but most are called by their first names. Your text flows, but at the end I'm confused by the last group of Hounds. It doesn't seem like they're disintegrating into dust like the first ones did. Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:49:04 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677002 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677002 Suzana Mazon @partysmores I don't know about anyone else, but when I click on your link, I get taken to the home page of NaNoWriMo. I don't know how to find writers profiles without clicking on a link. Sorry... Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:50:28 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677022 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677022 partysmores My profile wasn't finished. Sorry. Does it work now? Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:57:49 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677147 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677147 Suzana Mazon @Lempicka Wow. The title Faust would normally turn me off (hated 19th Century English Lit), but your text really turned that around. I think this is great. Kind of sadden by the theme, I always want the hero to only have to kill if necessary - but I can understand. It reads smoothly and is well-paced. Even though we started somewhere other than the beginning, we can tell what is going on. Just one comment about the writing itself is in regard to to this sentence: "I was sure before. Now I am certain." Should "was" be "wasn't"? Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:58:45 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677160 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677160 Lempicka Thanks for the feedback! Simon isn't really the hero, he's just the main protagonist. Detective Carnacki is a hero antagonist in the story and the closest thing to a 'good guy', and he's pursuing Simon precisely because he's killing people and that's wrong. For that sentence, it was meant as a sort of "I was fairly sure I was right, but now you've just confirmed it and I'm dead certain you're the one I want" kind of thing. Sorry it didn't come across very clear, I can definitely see why. I think I might change it. Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:07:22 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677307 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_677307 Dennis Dunjinman Suzana Mason: The descriptive power of the baking sun has been nailed into the ground. She's dry, she's cooking, and she's hiding from the sun. And the troubles here are quite clear. Her use of humor seems a bit out of place, wondering if she tastes like chicken when she's practically dying. I'd put the humor somewhere when she knew she would die, but wasn't dying yet. Mon, 14 Nov 2011 02:55:26 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_684290 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_684290 panicxpandemic I DEFINITELY think that your novel sounds really interesting! Although, I'm automatically drawn to stories about Angels. You definitely seem to have done your homework/know what you're talking about, and I love how you didn't make angels the light fluffy bunnies that they're often depicted as. Nothing irks me more than a screwed up angel story. I guess I pretty much agree with what the other two reviewers said. I'd definitely read your story though, I'd very much like to find out what happens! Also, as an unrelated side note, I'm totally writing a MS (non-NaNo) about prophetic twins! ... Only they're fraternal (a boy and a girl) and it has to do with greek mythology rather than heaven and angels. Thought the parallel was cool though. Mon, 14 Nov 2011 07:32:02 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_688442 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_688442 Loki Mischief-Maker Thanks for the feedback! [And, yes, Val is transgender.] Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:42:37 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_693023 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_693023 Writing in my Free Time Dennis Dunjinman: I like that Vilada is so well-characterized simply through her dialogue and treatment of Lee. It's certainly a very intriguing excerpt, and I would certainly be inclined to read more :-) Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:36:42 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_696328 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_696328 DisneyGeekWriter Here's mine! July 30th - J. Larson High School for the Arts - New York City, NY - 2026 “Lexie can you play the sonata again?” Pemberley asks. She checks her reflection in the mirror. “I want to do that section again.” “Sure Pemberer,” I say, flipping the pages back of the piano music. “Ready when you are.” Pemberley nods to me and I begin to play Moonlight Sonata while my best friend rises up on her toes and begins to dance. Pemberley dances with such grace it’s a wonder she hasn’t been scooped up by a professional company yet. Pemberley has been dancing longer than she’s been walking. Her bedroom is filled with posters from productions she has seen and been in. Programs from ballets and operas her dads have taken her to fill scrapbooks. She has an autograph book filled with signatures of dancers from the American Ballet Theatre. Pemberer Leigh Stavros eats, sleeps and dreams ballet. There are days that if I didn’t play the piano for her, I’d never see her. “Ugh!” Pemberley sighs in frustration. “I am never going to get this turn right!” She slumps to the floor muttering to herself. “Why do we have to audition for this school anyway. Ithaca got in without an audition.” A long time ago, Jonathan Larson High School for the Arts was the easiest arts school to get in to. The school was only three years old when my sister Ithaca attended. Now Larson is the hardest arts school to get in to. Larson takes students who want to be singers, songwriters, actors, dancers, authors and even magicians. Pemberley’s dad Tricky teaches magic and showmanship. Pemberley wants one of the ballet spots while I am going for piano. Mom says that out of all my sisters, I am the only one who wants to pursue music. Memory’s the lawyer, Ithaca was the writer and Ada was the actress. It’s weird to think that I have a sister I’ve never met. Ada died long before my parents got married. Like Ithaca, Ada was HIV-positive. She died a few days after she turned eleven. “Do you think the admissions committee will let us audition together?” Pemberley asks, when we finish the piece. “You’re playing Moonlight Sonata and I’m dancing to it.” “I don’t know Pemberer,” I say. “You’re only dancing to the first movement whereas I’m playing the third. It may be the kind of thing where each department selects for itself. We won’t know until we get there. Do you want to go over it one more time?” “Do you mind?” “I need the practice on the third movement anyway,” I say. “Ready when you are.” I flip my sheet music back to the beginning and start playing. I can’t get over how graceful Pemberley is. When she’s dancing she’s in this zone where nothing else matters. All she can think about is the next step in the choreography. We finish and she looks over at me, her slender hands on her hips. “Now I’m hungry,” she says. “I’m thinking sushi.” “I could go for a hot dog and a coke,” I say gathering my music. Unlike the rest of my family, I’m not big on international cuisine. Give me a large bowl of Lucky Charms or mac and cheese and I’m happy. It’s not that I don’t like other kinds of food, I’m just simple. Dad wonders where I came from sometimes. I remind him that unlike my sisters who were adopted all my traits are from him and Mom. “Well Daddy did say he was making dinner for everyone today,” Pemberley says. “Something about a family meeting.” “We have ‘family meetings’ all the time,” I say using air quotes. “That’s just what I was told.” Pemberley calls Jett “Daddy” and Tricky, “Tricky.” Having two dads can be confusing but they make it work. Jett spoils her endlessly. Uncle Jett spoils us both but Pemberley is his baby. All Pemberley has to do is look up at Jett with her big brown eyes and give a slight pout and he’s putty in her hands. As we are leaving the practice rooms at Larson we pass another occupied piano room. A boy with short reddish-brown hair is sitting at the grand piano. He’s playing in my opinion the hardest Mozart sonata, number 18. Mozart wrote that it was supposed to be easy but it’s horrible. The boy’s fingers fly over the with such ease it makes me really self-conscious about my own piece. “Wow! Who’s that?” Pemberley says. “He’s really good.” “I know.” We peek into the room and watch the boy practice. There is another man standing on the other side of the piano. A metronome sits in view of the boy, ticking back and fourth to the time of the music. He finishes the piece and Pemberley and I applaud from our spot in the door. The boy doesn’t turn to acknowledge us. The other man waves his hands around and the boy turns and smiles widely at us. “That was amazing,” I say. “You’re really good. I can’t even play that sonata.” The man waves his hands again and the boys laughs. It finally dawned on me. He’s deaf. The boy motions again and the other man says, “Thank you.” “I’m Lexie Porter and this is my friend Pemberley Stavros,” I say introducing us to the boy. His interpreter signs to him. The boy begins signing quickly. “I’m Greg Paulson,” the interpreter says. “I’m Gavin Olson.” He signs Greg’s name by tapping his left shoulder with his right thumb and index finger slightly ajar. Gavin then signs his name with the same hand position but touches his nose. Greg starts to sign again and Gavin translates. “Are you both auditioning next week too?” “Yes we are,” I say. “I am trying for one of the piano spots. But after watching you I don’t think I’m nearly good enough.” Greg smiles again and keeps signing. His smile is infectious. Gavin laughs and tells us what Greg has said. “I haven’t heard you play but I’m sure you’re really good too. What about you Pemberley?” “I’m a dancer. Ballet.” “My mother used to dance,” Greg says, through Gavin. “She was really good.” “We were on our way out to grab a bite to eat,” Pemberley says. “Would you like to join us?” “We can’t. Greg’s mother expects him home,” Gavin says. “Maybe next time.” We walk together out of the building and out onto the corner of Avenue C and 9th Street. The nice part about Larson is that it is so close to my apartment. Jett’s original store is on Avenue B and our loft is on 7th and Avenue C. We wait while Greg and Gavin get a cab. The late summer sun is beating down on the city. We wave to them as they drive away. We walk towards home, our hunger increases. I point out a sub shop. “Wait we can’t go eat. Daddy’s making dinner!” Pemberley says, suddenly. Typical Pemberley. If the fate of the world relied on her remembering to give a message to the President, we would be doomed. I shake my head. “Pemberley, how do you remember all your choreography?” “Shut up,” she says. “Daddy says I have a selective memory.” “You only remember the things you want to remember,” I say. “Just like Tricky.” She makes a face at me and sticks out her tongue. I shake my head and keep walking towards our building. Posters for shows are plastered all over the fence and abandoned building. Underneath a peeling section is a name I recognize. Max Porter: Live at the Bowery Ballroom. I walk over to the posters and carefully pull away the poster covering Dad’s. The date on Dad’s poster is October 25th, 1992. I carefully pull the poster down and roll it up. Every time I find something vintage of my dad’s music career I pick it up and add it to my collection. So far I have found eleven posters, a few vinyl albums, cassette tapes and concert t-shirts. Occasionally I’ll come across posters for Tricky’s old magic shows and I’ll save them also. It’s cool for me to see where my dad has been in his career. I like seeing the photos from the late 80’s and early 90’s, back before he was selling out stadiums and arenas. I was ten when he did his last concert at Madison Square Garden. His manager and label have been bugging him to tour again. “Daddy said Uncle Max is thinking about touring again,” Pemberley says, as she pulls open the door to our building. “Well Dad said he’ll tour again if they get him his own plane,” I say. The likelihood of Capitol Records buying Dad a plane was like Fitz finding a cure for AIDS. It just wasn’t going to happen. “The man is going to be 60 in two years. He can’t do the bus thing anymore.” Despite both of our families having more money than we know what to do with, we live humbly. The biggest purchase my family has made in the last sixteen years was the loft next door. Bur for the most part, the money that came in, went into a savings account at Chase Manhattan. Dad, Tricky and Jett say that because they were all struggling, starving artists they want to remain humble. My dad and uncles’ fame is another thing we have to deal with on a regular basis. Ithaca had a good attitude about them. She would give them answers and would pose for the pictures. Fitz on the other hand would make faces at them. The paparazzi once caught her with someone other than Fitz one time and the headline read “Has Ithaca Porter found a new man?” She and Fitz had a good laugh about it. One of the tabloids went after Dad one year claiming he was cheating with one of his back-up vocalists. There is one thing you don’t ever mess with and that is my parents’ marriage. “Anybody home?” I call into the loft, setting my keys in the bowl. “Mom? Dad?” “Eiiee!” a voice shouts from the kitchen. “Daddy?” Pemberley questions. “What are you doing?” We look around the corner and see not Jett but Tricky trying to cook. There are three things that Tricky Howard is not allowed to be anywhere near: Fire, matches or the stove. He was currently breaking two of those three things. Tricky has the ability to burn water. It’s something he, Dad and Fitz have in common. “Uncle Tricky, what are you doing?” I ask. “Stirring the sauce,” he says. “I’m helping Jett.” “Does Daddy know you’re helping?” Pemberley asks. “Maybe.” “Philip Howard, get your ass out of my kitchen before you burn it down!” Jett exclaims, coming into the kitchen from the other loft. Tricky slinks away sheepishly out of the kitchen and back into the living room. I’d never seen Tricky look so frightened of Jett in my lifetime. “How was your practice session girls?” Tricky asks, from the safety of the couch. “I think I’m ready,” I answer, sneaking a peek into the pot on the stove. My hand is whacked with a pair of tongs. “That was until I heard a fellow applicant play.” “What about you Pember?” Tricky asks his child. “Are all those hours and thousands of dollars we spent on ballet going to pay off?” “Dad,” Pemberley says, with a soft whine. “I am the best ballerina Larson has ever seen. They will be idiots to not accept me.” “That’s my girl. When are the other parents getting home?” “Your guess is as good as mine,” I answer, taking a bottle of water out of our ancient fridge. Pictures cover our fridge. There are pictures on the fridge that have been their since Tricky and Jett first moved into the loft. Pictures of me and my sisters at various ages. Mom, Dad, Ithaca and Ada at Disney World. Mom, Dad, Memory and I in Paris. Tricky, Jett and Pemberley outside the Met. “What’s for dinner?” a voice calls from the door of the second loft. “I have two hours before I go on-call for the next forty-eight.” My brother-in-law Fitz came into the main living area of both lofts. Whenever he feels like it, which was almost every other night, he has his meals with us. He has his own apartment on Columbus but he’s never there. Mom is always fussing at him to just sell it and take the spare room in the second loft. Mom says there’s something about our loft that always has everyone coming back to it. Tricky, Jett and Pemberley technically live on Fifth Avenue but are here more than they are there. Once school starts again Pemberley says she’d move back to her old room so she can be within walking distance of Larson. The only member of my family that has managed to stay away for longer than a week is my sister Memory. She went away to college and only comes back when she’s low on groceries, which isn’t very often. If I want to see my sister I’ll go to her apartment near the Columbia campus. “Don’t you have your own place?” Jett asks Fitz as he plops down on the couch next to Tricky. His long legs kick out, knocking over a stack of fashion magazines. “Yeah, but you’re closer to the hospital,” Fitz answers. “Besides Jett, you cook better than I do.” “It’s a wonder you and Ithaca survived as long as you did while you were in California,” Jett answers. “There wasn’t a day when Ith wasn’t calling about how to cook something.” “The elderly lady who lived next door took pity on us when she saw the pizza boxes piling up,” Fitz says, snagging the remote from Tricky. He flipped the channel to the Mets game. It is a cardinal sin to root for the Yankees in my family. Dad says Fitz learned that the hard way when he was ejected from the loft for an hour when he uttered the phrase “Go Yankees!” “Fitz, don’t you have your own apartment to go to?” Tricky asks, stealing the remote back. “Yeah but this place is better. Good food, good friends. Besides all I have at home is a few bottles of Yoo-Hoo and Cheerios.” “You put Yoo-Hoo in your Cheerios?” Pemberley questions. “That’s gross.” “You would do well with a wife,” Jett says from the kitchen. “I have a wife,” Fitz says, his voice hard. There are times when we forget that even though Ithaca has been dead for ten years; Fitz still considers himself married and not a widower. He doesn’t date and I’ve never seen him without his wedding ring. “Fitz, Ithaca wouldn’t want you to live your life just waiting to join her,” Jett says. “She’d want you to find someone who’ll make you happy.” “I spend my time helping sick kids. It was Ithaca’s idea that I go back to school and become a doctor. I don’t want anyone else.” The subject is dropped and Fitz and Tricky fight over the remote more. Tricky is addicted to Shark Week on Discovery and Fitz wants to watch baseball. They finally surrender and agree to have the Mets game in the Picture-In-Picture on Fitz’s side of the TV. Pemberley and I busy ourselves in the kitchen helping Jett with dinner. My parents are due home any time. Mom is usually first as her office was just around the corner at the church. Dad could appear at anytime depending on traffic from Greenwich Village. Dad’s the owner of Ada Records. Even though he hasn’t recorded a new album in almost eight years he still has a lot to do with each talent signed. Dad is a master salesman. He built his entire career with having gone to high school or even college. Everything Dad has he earned through hard work and perseverance. Mom on the other hand, is not counting Fitz, the most educated adult in my life. She got a degree in business and accounting and used it to create her foundation: Parents of HIV. Her foundation helps parents cope with raising or caring for an HIV-positive child. Mom knows first hand what challenges these parents face. She did it twice. “What is that wonderful smell?” my mother’s voice says as she enters the loft. “Lexie, did you pick up something for dinner?” She’s in the other loft and hasn’t seen Tricky or Jett. She comes into the open living area where we’re all gathered. She’s reading a message on her phone and doesn’t look up. “Hi Auntie Lauren!” Pemberley chimes, startling Mom. “Oh! Pemberley what are you doing here?” Mom asks. “Daddy’s making dinner,” she answers. “If you three are going to be here all the time, you might as well sell Vianne’s penthouse. Someone else should be allowed to enjoy that view,” Mom says. “That goes for you too, Dr. Hamilton.” Fitz smiles at Mom in the way only he can. He has a way to make Mom forget why she’s annoyed with him. “Once I eat I’ll be out of your hair,” he says. “Davey Martin has challenged me to a Smash Brothers battle.” Fitz may be almost forty but he still acts like the young man he was when he and my sister first met. He is the only doctor I know that refuses to wear scrubs and a lab coat. He typically wears vintage rock band t-shirts, jeans and chucks. He says he dresses that way so the kids he treats won’t be as frightened of him. Kids see a doctor coming at them in a white lab coat, they freak out. But with Fitz, they seem him as the big brother who’ll play video games with them. Ithaca used to call him Peter Pan because he refused to grow up. Kids love him and parents are weary. “Fitz, I have a very nice young lady working for me, that I’d love for you to meet,” Mom says, going into the kitchen. “Don’t bother Lauren,” Tricky says. “We already tried.” Mom sighs and shakes her head. I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been if Ithaca hadn’t died. Would everyone be where they are? Would Fitz still be a doctor? Would Tricky, Jett and Pemberley still live with us full time? Would Memory have gone into something other than the law? And me? What about me? Who would I have been? Mom slips into her and Dad’s room to change out of her suit. It always amazes me how glamorous she can be in simple clothes. When she does dress up for award shows or Jett’s fashion shows she is always on everyone’s Best Dressed list. Kelly Osborne, daughter of the late rocker Ozzy, once said that my mother has a way of always looking classy, like Grace Kelly or Katherine Hepburn. “Dinner’s ready!” Jett calls. He set plates on the breakfast bar and left everything simmering on the stove. He stopped setting the table years ago. With everyone always coming and going at odd times it’s easier to just buffet it. When Memory was in school she was in so many other activities we rarely saw her. Jett made a pasta bar with various sauces and meats. Watching Pemberley carefully select her meal, I am so glad that I’m not a dancer. I like being able to eat whatever I want. Pemberley eats tiny portions to keep her tiny frame. “When’s Dad getting home?” I ask, between bites of my spaghetti. “I don’t know,” Mom says. “He hasn’t called.” I dig my phone out of my pocket and hit the speed dial to Dad’s office. “Ada Records, this is Claire.” “Hey Claire, it’s Lexie. Is my dad there?” I ask. Claire has been Dad’s assistant for years. She started working for Ada Records when she was in high school as a temp. She became Dad’s assistant after she graduated. Claire Bailey is the best assistant my dad ever had. If she can help it she makes sure Dad gets home in time for dinner. “He just left,” Claire says. “Alex McPope took longer to record then we had anticipated. Tell Lauren I’m sorry.” “It’s okay Claire. We were just wondering where he was.” “I ordered him a car about ten minutes ago. He should be home within the hour,” Claire says. “Thanks Claire.” I hang up my phone. “Claire just put Dad in a car. He should be home soon.” Fitz ate three platefuls of spaghetti with red sauce along with his medications. By the way Fitz acts you wouldn’t think he’s slowly dying. He does have his bad days but for the most part if you didn’t know him you wouldn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He is going out the door to get back to the hospital just as Dad is coming in. “Hey Max, bye Max,” Fitz says as he leaves the loft. “All right,” Dad says, setting his keys in the bowl. “Nice to see you too Fitz.” There is something different about Dad. He seems down and he’s never down. He and Mom wouldn’t look at each other. My parents have been together for twenty-seven years and married for seventeen. In comparison, Pemberley’s dads have been together forty-six years. There have been times that they all have wanted to get away from each other but they always come back. Ithaca said that in our family we mate for life. Sometimes I think she’s right. “Now I remember why everyone is here today!” Tricky says, brandishing his fork. “We have to talk about Athens.” The one thing we always did as a family was take a large vacation. It started when Ithaca and Ada were nine and Nanna Vianne took everyone to Orlando for a week. After that they went everywhere. I have been to London, Paris, Vienna, Salzburg, Copenhagen, Amsterdam and we thought about going to Tokyo once but decided to go to Berlin instead. When I was a baby my parents would take me with them when Dad would go on tour. Sometimes I would stay with Nanna Ophelia or Nanna Vianne. “Did Aunt Arcadia say she and Uncle Albert would be able to come?” I ask, excited. “She, Albert and Hadley are coming,” Mom answers. “Donny would come but he’s going to be starting training camp.” Donny Arvine plays football for Notre Dame. “So the final count is four Porters, three Stavros-Howards, three Arvines and a doctor.” We’ve never gone to Greece before. Dad went there once on his world tour when Ithaca was little but we’ve never vacationed there. I was excited. “We’re going to be staying at the Grand Bretagne Hotel in Athens for the month,” Tricky says, getting out the trip binder. “Max and Lauren, you’ll be staying in the Royal Suite while Jett and I have the Presidential. Albert and Arcadia will have the Grand Exceutive Suite and the kids and Fitz will have a Junior Suite.” “Does that mean we each get our own suite?” Pemberley asks. “No Pemberley,” Tricky says. “You and Lexie will share a suite and Hadley and Ree will share. And Fitz gets his own room.” “How long are we going to be in Greece?” I ask, munching on a breadstick. “We’re staying the month while Fitz, Memory and Hadley will only be staying two weeks. They have to get back for school and work.” A whole month in Greece. I can hardly wait. But first, Pemberley and I have our auditions for school. Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:20:51 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_697077 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_697077 cgoodwin @DisneyGeekWriter I like the way the plot has been set up, and it seems like an interesting road to head down! But you need to watch out for repetition and choppy sentences. Try and lengthen some out, combining a couple, so that there's variation. It'll give your novel a greater sense of flow. Also, try not to start your sentences with the same words over and over. For example, there are about three sentences in a row where you've begun with 'Pemberley'. If you restructure some of your sentences, you'll avoid that. :) *waits and hopes someone will review mine* Fri, 18 Nov 2011 12:08:23 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_752081 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_752081 Heathertruett @cgoodwin It's good. For starters, I love the name. I also love the concept. So many dystopias are in America. I had never thought of Austraila, but it makes sense. Down there by itself. Isolation can lead to all sorts of craziness. Most importantly, as I was reading, I bought it. I didn't think, "that wouldn't happen." if I ever see this on a shelf, I will buy it. My turn? Sat, 19 Nov 2011 01:30:23 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_759714 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_759714 cgoodwin Oh, it's not set in Australia, haha. It's set in a place called Hartland, which is split into Australis and Borealis. Corona Australis and Corona Borealis are constellations that mean 'The Southern Crown' and 'The Northern Crown', respectively. It's basically saying South City and North City. You never find out which country Hartland developed from :P. I, myself, am from New Zealand. But thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's promising, haha. Sat, 19 Nov 2011 02:18:57 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_760271 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_760271 cgoodwin God damn, wrong place to reply to. Heathertruett, that reply was for you. Sat, 19 Nov 2011 02:23:29 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_760323 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_760323 LDRobwell @Heathertruett There isn't much to go on. It sounds like an obligatory statement so that the title makes sense and not actually part of the story. If that is the case you may find a more subtle way of explaining it later. It would probably seem more shocking if you just introduced the character with her strange nick name and left us wondering about her name until later. If this is where the story starts, then your problem is the detached, forgetful voice of a significantly older version of the girl. I'm of the opinion that art should speak truth and be heartfelt. This story doesn't feel like either because the voice sounds so far away. If your story is about bullying, maybe ramp up the acts of aggression. For instance, start the story in the "present" or a kind of "last week" type of the past and have something horrible happen to Truth or Dair, then explain the name later. It's well rewritten, just so detached. Sat, 19 Nov 2011 10:39:44 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_764301 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_764301 Heathertruett I got it. I saw the name Hartland and the ow city names, but for some reason I thought they were all Australia before the apocalypse. I'll blame it on Nano-brain. I liked it, either way. Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:28:16 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_766875 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_766875 Heathertruett It is an excerpt, not the start. The first line of the book is, "I told my first lie in the womb." It is first person and present tense. This scene is just a memory she is sharing. Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:29:38 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_766887 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_766887 XVisiEX Awe=/ Seeing as someone reviewed yours...does this mean no one will review mine? Mon, 21 Nov 2011 05:30:02 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_788601 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_788601 DisneyGeekWriter [quote=XVisiEX] Awe=/ Seeing as someone reviewed yours...does this mean no one will review mine? [/quote] Really awesome! With the little amount of information to go on it is really excellent writing. Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:28:23 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_790097 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_790097 XVisiEX [quote=DisneyGeekWriter] [quote=XVisiEX] Awe=/ Seeing as someone reviewed yours...does this mean no one will review mine? [/quote] Really awesome! With the little amount of information to go on it is really excellent writing. [/quote] =O Thanks....and you like disney!! -clings to you- mine! Stunning excerpt btw, I would love to read your story when it's done Mon, 21 Nov 2011 13:19:37 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_790992 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_790992 reginabookworm @LDRobwell (not sure who else to review) Your character are definitely well-formed, and their interactions are authentic, but your formatting made the whole thing a little hard to read. Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:09:52 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_792049 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_792049 Mallorca Writer That's pretty good. I can't believe you're only 13. Good for you. Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:38:31 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_792814 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=1#forum_thread_comment_792814 aaalllyyysssaaaaa @reginabookworm It confused me that you said Gavin was against love but then went on to describe how in love he was. I don't know if you're trying to show how he changed his mind, or that he thinks differently from how he acts or something, but if you are, you should make it clearer. I had to read it twice before I figured out what you were talking about. Be careful not to make Gavin a gary stu. Don't make all his flaws stuff that other people find cute, like shyness or dichromatic eyes or prominent cheekbones, and don't make his flaws something we never see, like his disposition being like a skunk with bronchitis. (funny, by the way) Show us him acting like that instead of just telling us he acts like that, then when you use that line, we will believe it. Anyways, very well-written excerpt. Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:29:51 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_794638 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_794638 LDRobwell [quote=reginabookworm] @LDRobwell (not sure who else to review) Your character are definitely well-formed, and their interactions are authentic, but your formatting made the whole thing a little hard to read. [/quote] Thanks! The formatting problem is only on the site. I should have added double returns. I'm very happy to hear that the interactions seem authentic. Thanks again. Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:38:16 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_795415 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_795415 EmmaMayfield @ aaalllyyysssaaaaa I liked the excerpt alot and found no fault in it :) Sun, 18 Dec 2011 03:24:19 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_981185 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=2#forum_thread_comment_981185 Princeshelby @EmmaMayfield I liked it okay, but it seemed like maybe you were trying to hard to be dark and edgy, or like you were "telling" too much instead of "showing". The more I read it, though, the more I liked it. Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:33:33 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=3#forum_thread_comment_982524 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=3#forum_thread_comment_982524 Dennis Dunjinman Prince Shelby: The passage looks quick-and-dirty, like you wrote it to get it down. That's not a bad thing, but it could use polish to set the mood. The description of the teacher has some great reactions in it, talking about the style. Personally, I think that kid is a jerk, but all kids are jerks to some degree before they get better. Angry music teachers can't help. Tue, 20 Dec 2011 22:49:33 +0000 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=3#forum_thread_comment_988715 http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/forums/young-adult-children-s-lit/threads/25674?page=3#forum_thread_comment_988715