So, my main character is asexual.

I'm not sure that I'm completely getting the entirety of what it means to be asexual, and I just wanted to ask a few questions, because I'm not asexual (and the websites I've visited are geared more towards meeting other asexual people). I know that asexual means that they don't feel sexual attraction at all, which I believe is true? I've set my main character to fall into a platonic love with a friend of his, and I'm just not sure how he would regard a relationship with this other character. Would an asexual person find a sexual situation uncomfortable, or completely repugnant? Would they avoid any sort of PDA?

Basically, I'd love for you to spit any and all information you have about being asexual, what it means for relationships, how one would express affection, and that sort of thing.

Thanks for your help!

I'm technically asexual (I don't identify as such anymore, but I definitely fall into the don’t-experience-sexual-attraction boat). I’m in a bit of a rush right now, but hopefully this helps a little bit. :)

Asexual people often identify as either repulsed or indifferent. Your character could be utterly disgusted at the thought of having sex, or he might not care one way or another, or he might enjoy it. The same goes for PDAs. Basically, whatever works for your plot/character is feasible here. I know, that's probably the least helpful answer possible.

Having said that, I think that a lot of how your character reacts/shows affection/engages in relationships will have to do with his romantic orientation. What exactly do you mean by platonically in love (the ace community and people in general tend to have different definitions of “platonic,” especially concerning whether or not it involves romance)? Is he romantically attracted to his partner? If he is, he *might* be more okay with sex and PDAs; I know a lot of asexual people in romantic relationships who love kissing and are okay with sex.

Have you looked into any David Jay interviews? There’s several on youtube. He basically talks about how he likes kissing/cuddling/whatever but, once things start progressing to sex, it just stops making sense to him. That seems to be a pretty common perspective, as well, for romantic asexuals.

If your character isn’t romantically attracted to his partner, you might want to look into squishes and queerplatonic relationships (a lot of people view Sherlock and John as having a queerplatonic relationship, for example).

I’ve got to dash, but feel free to nanomail me!

I realize this was posted more than a week ago, but since things are so slow moving right now, I figure it's alright to answer. Also, I should note that these are my own personal feelings and experiences and other people DO feel differently than me. I just figured I'd give my own examples, since I can't speak for anyone else.

I consider myself a straight romantic asexual. For me, that means I'm attracted to males, but not females and not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. I can see when a guy is good looking, but that doesn't ever translate into the desire to have sex with them. The most I've ever fantasized about is maybe holding hands, hugging or maybe a kiss on the cheek/forehead. Usually, I daydream about having long, interesting conversations with people I have "crushes" on. I definitely experience romantic feelings, but they are only ever emotional and never sexual. I even have trouble thinking of other people being in sexual relationships. Most of the time, the idea of sex as part of a relationship just doesn't occur to me at all unless I consciously think about it or it's blatantly stated in some way.

As far as how I feel about having sex, it does rather repulse me and I find the thought of it pretty gross. It isn't the act itself or the nakedness that squicks me out (that part I feel rather indifferent about), but rather just the thought of other people's bodily fluids (even just sweat) coming into contact with my own body. It just seems... nasty and unsanitary. That's the best way I can explain it. I had a boyfriend once, and he kissed me on the mouth a few times and all I could think of was the fact that his spit was now on my mouth and it was just gross. Even in non-sexual/romantic situations, I get grossed out by that sort of thing. I can't stand baby drool, for example. I'm not a germaphobe, though, just to be clear.

Also, he was constantly trying to cuddle with me and it was just physically uncomfortable (like, my arm falling asleep sort of thing). I just kept wanting to get up and sit by myself (or just beside him), but I was afraid I'd hurt his feelings. I was constantly trying to get him to just hold my hand, but he always wanted more. I ended up breaking up with him because I felt it wasn't fair for him. This was before I learned about asexuality, otherwise I would have told him about myself from the start and he probably wouldn't have pursued the relationship as he was a VERY sexual person. At the time I just thought I was a weirdo.

My ideal relationship would be very sweetly romantic and innocent and more like a very strong friendship. I would not want to feel pressured to be more physically intimate than I'm comfortable with. I've never been in a relationship with an asexual person, but I would like to try it. In the case of a relationship with a sexual person, I would probably constantly worry that my significant other was going to get tired of the lack of physical intimacy and leave me. I have no doubt it would strain the relationship and I don't think it would end up working out.

One of the biggest issues facing asexual people is the tendency for sexual people to not believe it's true or even possible for someone to not want sex. I think the idea is getting more acceptance thanks to the internet, but the average person you meet in your everyday life is unlikely to even know what asexuality is ("You mean you reproduce by budding or something?"). Many times, people seem to think an asexual person is just gay and in the closet. This is probably especially true for asexual males. Another idea might be that they just haven't had good enough (or any) sex yet and so they don't really know what they're talking about.

Well, I think I've blathered on enough for now. I hope this was helpful in some way. If you have any other questions, I'll try my best to answer. :)

I don't know if you're still looking for answers, but if so, I'll give another perspective. :)

Really, I consider myself aromantic as well as asexual; the most I'd ever want is a very strong, close friendship. That said, Eruravenne pretty much pinpointed what I would want out of a relationship considered to be "romantic" if ever I did want one.

The thought of sex really disturbs me. There's too much skin contact and bodily fluid, and that's definitely part of my problem, as the thought of having someone else's sweat or saliva or whatever on me is really disgusting. But that's not the only reason I don't want it; it just doesn't have any emotional impact on me. I'm finding this bit harder to explain. It's just that it doesn't strike me as important or interesting. I find it really hard to understand why it's so important in other relationships, because to me it just really doesn't make sense. On that same note, I'm not fond of kissing either. The thought of someone else's spit in my mouth (or anywhere near my mouth, really) scares me.

As to how I'd show affection in a platonic relationship ... The most I would probably do is hugging and handholding. Kissing on the forehead or the cheek I could deal with, but personally hugs mean more to me than kisses anyway. That said, "romantic" relationships rarely come up with me. I don't consider them when I think of people; people are my friends, and sometimes they're very close, but never romantically so. I have to specifically imagine it, it doesn't just occur to me because I'm attracted to someone. Usually I'm not.

Eruravenne's point about people not believing you're asexual is a good one as well. I'm totally blind, and I usually don't tell people I'm asexual because I'm afraid they'll tell me, "Oh, you're not asexual; you just don't get turned on because you can't see the hot guys." This isn't true. I have blind friends who are happily married and not asexual, and know one blind woman who is sexual to a really ridiculous extent as well. That bit you probably aren't interested in for your story, but some part of it might be useful somewhere.

:) Ashe

I'm not asexual, but I have an acquaintance who identifies as asexual. He is of the "indifferent" kind. He can have sex if he partner wants it, but to him, it's just one of those things you do to make your partner happy even if you don't enjoy them, such as watching a boring movie just because your partner likes it. He's not disgusted or repulsed by sex, but it's not his idea of fun. It's interesting that his girlfriend liked to have sex with him because he could go for a long time. Other than that, he isn't attracted to people physically or sexually, but he does like certain people (based on their personalities) and these are people he wants to be friends with. He could never say if his girlfriend was beautiful, but he could say he enjoy her company.

I don't know if he was ever in a relationship with a guy, but I know this wasn't his only relationship.

He wants to have a companion and an idea of living together with a mate or having children is appealing. He's just unable to feel sexual attraction or to judge people based on physical appearance or sex-appeal (however you define it). But he's not disgusted by sex, though that's definitely something he'd do only if his partner asks him to.

I'm asexual, but I'm not really sure if I have much to contribute. You're welcome to nano mail me if you want my experiences (if it helps at all, I'm a teenager)

I'm asexual, and I've never been interested in the idea of sex. Also, often when someone is trying to flirt with me, I am completely oblivious to their efforts. (I also have Asperger's, which makes it difficult for me to read body language).

All of my interactions with other people are based on their personality. I am uncomfortable with PDAs, mostly because I think that it would be a form of lying if I participated when I'm not really interested.

Mostly, it's not that I avoid romance, it's that I don't even notice it when it's in front of me.

P.S. This is why I never write romance.

In one of my settings, I have characters that are asexual, but in their case I mean it literally. As in biologically asexual. No reproductive organs whatsoever. The explanation is that they are shapeless symbiotes, so they acquire the sex/gender of whatever host creature they fuse themselves to. Which is a fairly important rite to pass, because if they don't, they die.