Quick Step

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When I grow old and wrinkled, I shall live alone in a house with only my cats. I will be known as the crazy cat lady. Small children will fear me. Neighbors willl gossip and those men that go door to door selling bibles and talking about religion will be scared of even stepping on my porch.

Really I will only have two cats, perhaps three. Cleaning out the litter box is a Titch with a Bee. Plus the smell would kill me. I will just make people think I have more. Many, many more.

This will be accomplished in many ways. First hidden speakers that play caterwauling in the dead of night and various cat sounds during the day. I will also order ungodly amounts of cat food that will be sent to my door. Really I will only keep a bag, the rest will be sent to cat shelters.. seeeeeeeeeecretly. Shhhhhhh!

Lastly, there will be robot cats! Robot cats controlled via a remote control! Robot cats controlled via a remote control by ME! I will make them chase children that stray on my lawn. These robot cats will also have an extra special feature. With the push of a button I will be be able to spray a liquid like substance that smells just like cat urine up to tweenty feet away. I will go after those bible sellers.

I will have a stuffed kitten perched on my shoulder, like a parrot. Meow, Mateeee I shall name him Fluffy and I shall introduce him to everyone I come in contact with and demand they talk to him. I shall hold conversations with him and sing "What's up pussycat" loudly and very off key.

I will wear cat sweaters when I go out, even in the middle of summer. Fugly cat sweaters, two sizes to large. I will have one for every day of the week. I will also attach a tail to myself. It will just be a piece of stuffed long fabric that attaches via Velcro to my jeans, or jogging pants. I will wear cat slippers that meow with each step I take. I will also wear headbands with cat ears and paint whiskers on my cheeks.

I will hiss at dogs and dog walkers. I will hand out cat treats to people and sell them at church bake sells. My ring tone will be the meow mix song. I will sit on my porch and eat out of a litter box with a cat sccooper. Really it will be this cake http://www.fabulousfoods.com/recipes/kitty-litter-cake-for-halloween, but nobody else will know that.

The police and loony bin people will know about all this, and they will ignore any calls they get because I will supply them with pet food for life.