Currently I am too busy outfitting my Soviet-made bathysphere, inside of which I shall be locked away beneath the cold waters of the San Francisco Bay while working in isolation on this year's NaNoWriMo project, to be able to write a cohesive and enlightening author's bio. In lieu of that, I give you this brief but revealing peek into the mind of Sebastian Malloy.
The Proust Questionnaire
1) What is your idea of perfect happiness? --To live in a world without war. No, wait, not war. What's that other thing? Justin Bieber. Right. A world without Justin Bieber.
2) What is your greatest fear? --Clowns.
3) Which historical figure do you most identify with? --John Wayne Gacy.
4) Which living person do you most admire? --Steve Jobs. Oh, wait.
5) What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? --My sheer genius.
6) What is the trait you most deplore in others? --Failing to recognize my sheer genius.
7) What is your greatest extravagance? --My annual hobo manhunt on a private jungle island with Bono and Neil deGrasse Tyson.
8) On what occasion do you lie? --When answering questionnaires.
9) What do you dislike most about your appearance? --My exquisite beauty.
10) When and where were you happiest? --Last summer when I got lost from the tour group at the nitrous oxide factory.
11) If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? --I would be less funny. Is that even possible?
12) If you could change one thing about your family what would it be? --That at least one of them would be old, sick and filthy, filthy rich.
13) What do you consider your greatest achievement? --My family. Specifically, not having been murdered by them.
14) If you came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be? --A clown, certainly. A murderous painter clown.
15) What is your most treasured possession? --Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye. Don't ask me how I got it. It isn't pretty.
16) What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery? --The Twilight novels.
17) Who are your heroes in real life? --Everyone who purchases my work. Also, firemen. Firemen who purchase my work. And Phil Collins.
18) What is it that you most dislike? --The carpet in here. Yes, I'm just that petty.
19) How would you like to die? --In a knife fight with Jonathan Franzen.
20) What is your motto? --"Never give up, never surrender, unless you're going to lose anyway."
- In a bathysphere, Under the San Francisco Bay
- Vodka, rolling on the ground to put out the flames, and making bee beards for fun and profit and hobbies.
- Favorite noveling music:
- Tibetan throat singing. What? Why are you looking at me like that?
- Favorite books or authors:
- That one with the blue cover by that guy with the hat; "Ulysses" by James Joyce, because MAN that guy could out-drink Hemingway and Sid Vicious combined; the Scholastic Books "Mork and Mindy" novelization; "Curious George and Boy George Meet George Michael in Georgetown," by George Eliot with Melissa George (the illustrated version, with annotations, and hair samples).