Favourite quotes from your own stories?

From my 2005 novel:

After a paragraph-long description of the heroic M/C and his youthful but manly features:

... It was obvious at a glance that he was destined to be a hero.
Shame about the name, though!

2005 - Array Wars Episode 1.0: The New Hope Strikes Back [60522]
2006 - Array Wars Episode 2.0: Return of the Phantom Menace [73689]
2007 - Array Wars Episode 3.0: Attack of the Stiff [?????]

"Your logic appals me."

I don't know why, but this line makes me happy.

A few dialogue excerpts:

“I may be a workaholic, Pat, but I’m not you!”
“Thank goodness for small mercies, can you imagine? I might have to be you!
. . .
“No! No ogling of the boyfriend! Out!”
(Pat happens to be *very* gay)
. . .
“Yes, that’s why the best ones turn out to be gay.”
“The best ones usually are.”
“Oh stop flattering yourself!”
. . .
“Bugger off already!”
“But you haven’t equipped me with anyone with which to do so.”
“Shame, you poor thing. Now why don’t you go share that sentiment with someone who cares: the lonely hearts club or something.”
“You’ve always been so sensitive to the plight of those of us who actually enjoy human company and companionship.”
. . .
“Oh, fine. I know when I’m not wanted…”
“Really?”
. . .
“You the guy she’s sleeping with?”

God, I look like a narcissist.
Oh well. Everyone should practice a little self-love.
Not that kind!
Perv.

"I've lived a thousand lives in the comfort of my own, I'll live several more, but as what remains unknown."

2005: Stumbling Down & Untitled - Fail
2006: Gruesome Girl: Tales of Sad Susan - Fail
2007: Today's Tuesday - In Progress

April Fool's:
Daire: Did you JUST use the phrase 'super fantastic awesome serial killers?'
Tim: Haven't you?

Man, those two were hilarious. I'm glad all three are coming back for this NaNo.

It's rather long, but it's my favorite passage from my attempt last year:

"In the late 1100s, the Mongols were divided greatly. While they waged war on each other, the destruction seemed as if it was going to last forever until 1190 when, amidst the chaos, a new man emerged.

Temüjin, though sometimes called Tim, the Pwninator (with the ‘p’ pronounced as an ‘o’ because it makes slightly more sense), and Harry on his days off. But, to the rest of the world, he was known as Genghis Khan.

Yes, the Khaninator (with the ‘p’ not being in the word, though there is an ‘o’) ruled with an iron fist and a wooden foot, but those handicaps did not keep him from uniting all of the tribes and setting out to pillage the countryside.

Not long after his coming of power, he had control over much of Asia and, a few weeks later, the entire world. Unfortunately for the Mongols, he soon retired after dying of some cause that was, quite possibly, fatal, if not lethal or even deadly. There has been speculation as to the true cause of his death that ultimately led to his retiring from the throne, but no one knows for sure how.

Anyways, everyone knew when Genghis Khan had conquered their village, as the words “Gengiss wuz hear lol” (with the phrase “lol” being pronounced as if you were laughing in an evil manner) were always found burned into the grass. But, since Genghis Khan had awful penmanship, it resembled greatly what bricks are completely unable to write. The conqueror discussed this issue in his autobiography. Unfortunately, due to his bad penmanship, it ended up looking to have the exact same name, author, words, and page numbers as Nineteen Eighty-four if its writer was a brick (which it wasn't).

Upon finding out about this, Genghis Khan sued George Orwell (with the ‘o’ pronounced neither as a ‘p’ nor laughter in an evil manner) for “₤20, his sister, Ireland, and his head". Upon hearing the news, George Orwell reacted with the great strategy of acting confused and then hiding in a cardboard box. The trial eventually came to a climax when George Orwell famously came to court in women's clothing and caught a lung ailment. The lawsuit was immediately dismissed and George Orwell went on to neglect the lung ailment until, in 1950, the police found out and arrested him. He was tried by a military tribunal for neglect, prostitution, and conspiring to become a lawyer. He was found not guilty, but was executed anyways. As he was about to be shot, he delivered a fantastic, moving speech about how nymphomaniacs (with the ‘ph’ being pronounced as an ‘f’) can be turned on in while knowingly in great peril.

Although he was shot before he could completely finish his great speech, it was remembered in history as the greatest authority on how nymphomaniacs can enjoy even very, very painful sex. Another great speech was by the late Winston Churchill to a crowd of over a hundred thousand people while he was pressed for time and had to deliver a speech before he could go and get drunk. He, however, did not finish his speech either, as Genghis Khan burned an illegible phrase on the stage and panic broke out amongst the crowd. This made Britain easily conquerable (with the 'q' being neither a 'q' nor a 'q') for the great leader and Genghis Khan’s army soon swarmed around the world. Unfortunately, he did not realize the world was still flat and fell off.

This proved to be fatally mortal to the conqueror and he was killed by the very much deadly fall off of the then-flat earth, which ultimately led to his death by falling off the edge of the earth. The earth Genghis fell off of killed him in a very lethal way by falling him off it, the earth, off he fell of which and died from the deadly fall off of the earth. He, who fell off the earth, died of causes related to falling, thus dying; dying from a fall off of which he fell, the earth. He still pushes up the daisies to this day, as he is still a stiff and a very much dead stiff at that. His epitaph was just a mindless scribble carved by a one-armed brick that resembled no one in particular.

And that is the story of Genghis Khan."

It's turtles all the way down.

It should be noted that I've been handwriting my entire manuscript so far. Hence why my word count is completely unvalidated, and is a nice, round number. I calculated it. The only typed portion is my novel excerpt.

I like the Genghis Khan story!

From a comic I drew:
"Life is like being a TV when the humans can't find the remote."

Meh

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NaNo History:
2007 - Comedy about monsters. No title yet.

From last year's NaNo:

Sometimes, Alex mused as she glared at Gina’s retreating back, having three roommates really sucked. Oh sure, it was great when you needed to borrow a black sweater, or that perfect shade of lip gloss, but if you ever wanted to kill one of them, there’d always be two witnesses.

It was a step in the right direction, but being kidnapped by formerly naked now clothed in jeans and t-shirts elves wasn’t really much of a step above being kidnapped by naked elves.

After all, naked elves can mean only one thing: Trouble.

“So all we have to do is get to the Santatarium, round up the Santas, get to the North Pole, and defeat the imposter, all in the next three weeks.”

She hadn’t written in two days, the story should be bursting to get out of her. Twenty minutes later, she knew that if it was bursting, it was doing it very quietly someplace else.

Ooh, I've got a couple... All extracts are from my 2005 novel Sunny Hill University For The Psychologically Impaired:

Dirk: “I want you to put this on, Didav. I managed to take it from Mrs. Axe-Murderer’s desk while she was pre-occupied with holding her hands in the air so that I didn’t shoot her.”

Dirk: "Who would have thought we would all be killed by an undead mutant crossover between a fungus and a baobab tree given amazing reproductive powers by exposure to radiation? Not I, certainly, and I have spent many sleepless nights pondering the subject."

Narration: 'As he got out of bed, everything felt normal. As he got dressed, everything felt normal. As he washed, and prepared himself aesthetically for going public, everything felt normal. However, as he opened his door and subconsciously took that first step out into the hallway, socks gently making impressions on the carpet, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened and he went downstairs.'

--------------------
NaNo '05: Sunny Hill University For The Psychologically Impaired - 50,036 words
NaNo '06: Dread Claw - 101,273 words
Script Frenzy '07: Rue Britannia - 20,224 words
NaNo '07: Untitled (Something About Greengrocers And Knickers) -

My favorite quotes are from a character named Triston. He's such a jerk and he doesn't even realize it. I've never actually been annoyed with a character before I wrote him.

He sighed, with privilege comes responsibility, with responsibility, privilege. In the end though, it seems to blur into one large mess of paperwork and political tours.

-Triston narration

Triston fumed silently. He had considered changing into sub par clothing for this official visit just to spite them. He had decided such a move was beneath one of his class and breeding- besides which, he found it highly unlikely that such an action would be understood and construed as the insult it was by these cultural savages.

-Triston narration again

Not a nice fellow, is he?

A man who can read and write is 9/10ths free even in chains
Robert Heinlein in Expended Universe

"Like the vast majority of the other beautiful people on the planet, she was incredibly vain. She was also rather stupid, but that was merely coincidence."

"All the girls erupted into screams of guilty excitement as they began their illegal dance of celebration. It looked a bit like the Charleston."

"Naked women dancing. Too bad this isn’t a movie."

Those are a few from the first chapter. I chose that one because I actually edited it.

2006: Unferth
2007: The Dark Side of the Universe

Narration: 'As he got out of bed, everything felt normal. As he got dressed, everything felt normal. As he washed, and prepared himself aesthetically for going public, everything felt normal. However, as he opened his door and subconsciously took that first step out into the hallway, socks gently making impressions on the carpet, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened and he went downstairs.'

That made me choke on my cheerios. Nice!

*snorfle* The Story of Genghis Khan was brilliant. It made me crack up, and reminded me strongly of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Excellent.

I wasn't writing humor last year, but apparently am this year, so. We shall see.

~Inoru~

NaNo'04: Fail.
NaNo'06: Fail.
NaNo'07: Win. :D
Screnzy!08: We'll see...

I grok insanity! Do you?

I glanced over [fiancee] Hannah’s head and finally found both of our mothers sitting at the end of the long table. Lisa rolled her eyes as she took a long gulp from the glass in front of her. “Oh yes, this was quite a shock when I heard that Hannah wanted to have the rehearsal dinner here at home, as a barbeque. But then again, my daughter did always have cheap tastes.”

My best man frowned; clearly he had overheard. “I’ll give her that it’s a little unorthodox, but this is the most fun I’ve ever had at a rehearsal dinner…since ours!” He had just spotted his wife glaring at him.

I'm still undecided on what I'm going to write this year, but I've found I love humor, so no matter what, it's going to be a humor novel. I've thrown The Executive as the title, but that won't be it.

But some of the more tickling things I've written.

*** From my short stories collectively called "The Executive"***

-When negotiating a flaw with the white house's security.-

"You can't build a moat around the white house, Mr. President."
"But that will protect me from ground based assaults! Now, I know you're thinking, 'What about amphibious tanks?' but I already accounted for them."
The President pulled down the canvas to reveal a more detailed depiction of the white house moat.
James[his head of security] covered his mouth, "You can't be serious."
"I am completely serious, James, if we put crocodiles in the moat they get caught in the treads of the tanks and stop them underwater."
"But what about the animal rights activists?"
"Well... if they want to protest, they'll need to go across the moat, and the crocodiles will gobble 'em right up. The irony is positively delicious."

-During an address to the nation.-

"My fellow Americans, I understand that you feel I've violated your personal freedoms, your rights, and your privacy. You have come to think of me not as your leader, but as a punitive father. I resent this image that I've created and wish to change it. Instead of being thought of as a father, I want to be remembered as someone you could look up to, a guide you could say. I want to be like a brother, yes... a big brother. That's it. Henceforth, I wish for my title as President of the United States to be changed to Big Brother!"

-The president is called in to negotiate a nuclear standoff and tries to resolve the issue.-

"Our nuclear blast radius could wipe out all of Washington D.C."
"Oh yeah? Well ours is as big as Washington D.C. plus two!" The president rejoindered, not wanting to be defeated.
"Mr. President, our blast radius is as big as all of New England."
"Well um... uh... ours is as big as your ego!"
There was a long pause.
"We stand down, there's no way we can compete with that."

***

Yeah, I'll probably stick with these just being stuck in their short story formats. But I am trying to figure out what kind of comedy I want to write this year...

Conversation between two of the Fates:
"Did you hear about Paris and Helen?"
"Ohmigod, yes! I can't believe it, Helen is such a slut!"
"I know, I told Athena who told Hera who told Persephone and SHE said that... that..."
"What?"
"That's not Helens real nose!"

Also;
"You're sending us on a quest," he said slowly "for gardening equipment?"

It was a dark and stormy night and the damn phone just had to ring at 2:00 A.M. Hold tight a minute. A dark and stormy night? If it is night, it is dark. If it is stormy, it is dark. So did that make it a dark and dark dark? Never mind. It’s not germane to what I’m going to try to relate anyway.

Time for an attitude check. Yup, I've got one.

Time for an attitude check. Yup, I've got one.

It’s been far too long, he reasons, his flaccid member in hand, stern frown on face, far too long since there was someone else to do this for him. And now it’s come to this, this shameful, self-gratifying, masturbatory moment in the bathroom stall of The Strand behind eighteen miles of brilliant, recycled literature and a hard-on the size of the Empire State Building.

He didn't consider himself in a relationship until she had begun withholding sex.

Here's a couple from a story I write with two of my friends (the first-person point of view switches):

"Girls," I began solemly, "I have something very important to tell you."
Ni stared at me, her eyes wide, "Did someone die?"
I sighed, "No, Ni, nobody died."
Ni slumped, "Oh."
* * * * *
"BEN! You're not helping!" Li screatched.
Ben looked innocently up at her, "I AM helping, I'm just not helping you."
* * * * *
"OMYGOD! THEY ELOPED, JOINED A GANG OF DRUGGIES, DIED AND GOT KIDNAPPED!" Ni screemed hysterically.
"No, Nikki, it's much worse than that."
"WHAT COULD BE WORSE?!?"
* * * * *
The thug pushed open the cell door, holding a tray with a simple ham sandwich on it, "Alright, girly here's your din-OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE BED?!?"
I looked from my place sitting on the concrete floor of the cell to the pile of ripped fabric and splinters, "He was being mean to me, so I killed him."

"Well you can forget that! You can forget this damn carnival because I'm a real women with real needs and they will be met! Push me Big Tim, push me"!. Ruby fumed, like breathing fire into the middle of the crowded room. She snatched a pair of scissors, seemingly from under her dress and held them up to her chin, "I'll do it", she said with stern lips.
"So help me god, Ruby, if you cut your beard off I'll shave your head and you'll be the new Human Onion"!, the ringleader snapped before turning his back and storming out of the room.
Ruby huffed and glanced over in the awkward silence at Fire-breather Joe, with a daft grin smacked on his face., "Well"?, he nudged.
Ruby threw the scissors, "I'm not going to do it if he isn't going to see, idiot", she spat, turning in her seat to the vanity.
"I'm beautiful", she said.

2007 Novel: People Who Rob Liquor Stores

Dude, that is brilliant. ^_^ Hahaha,

"he was killed by the very much deadly fall off of the then-flat earth, which ultimately led to his death by falling off the edge of the earth. The earth Genghis fell off of killed him in a very lethal way by falling him off it, the earth, off he fell of which and died from the deadly fall off of the earth. He, who fell off the earth, died of causes related to falling, thus dying; dying from a fall off of which he fell, the earth." Brilliant I say!

I'm artistic, so of course I'm a few marbles short of a full bag!

NaNo '07: Crossing The Atlantic In A Bathtub. (Pending)
NaNo '06: A Rock Star's Guide To Taking Over The World. (In print)

A rather long quote from my semi satire of Lord Of The Rings.

The silence continued in the forest, except for the sound of a coffee maker blipping away.
The Elf awoken by the boot was sitting next to it, with his head in his hands as he waited for the coffee to finish brewing.
There was the sound of someone approaching.
The Elf awoken by boot slowly lifted his head from his hands to see who it was that approached him.
Lo and behold, it was another Elf.
This Elf said, ' 'ey wait a minute, we don't 'ave coffee machines 'ere!'
There was a tinkling sound and the coffee machine disappeared.
'Aww. Dang it!' exclaimed the now disgruntled Elf who had been rudely awoken by a flying boot, staring at the spot where the coffee machine had been. 'What'd ya 'ave to go an do that for? I was looking forward to a nice cuppa percolated coffee!'
'Well.. Erm..' The other Elf's mouth opened at shut a few times as he waited for his brain to catch up with this particular train of thought. Eventually it did, this could be seen by the brightening of his face and the triumphant tone in his voice when he said: 'Cause we don't 'ave coffee machines here. That's why!'
'Yes, I know that!' snapped the now very disgruntled Elf who was rudely awoken by the flying boot. He glared at the somewhat dim Elf standing in front of him.
'Well, what're you complainin' abou' then?' asked the Elf, his train of thought hurtling fast toward the sharp bend in its tracks, which signified the end of that train, and the dawn of a new error of thought trains.
'Well, I know that, but it didn't.'
The other Elf stared at him blankly as his train of thought hit the bend in it's tracks and derailed. After a couple of second a new error in the history of thought trains dawned, 'Want a pickle?' The Elf smiled happily. 'I have two pickles you see, so I don't mind sharing.'
The Disgruntled boot awoken Elf sighed, grabbed a pot and made his way to the river to get some water for his coffee. 'Why'd 'e 'ave to do that? I says,' he muttered to himself, as he ducked below a pair of trousers hanging from a branch. 'Cause we don't 'ave no coffee machiney things. Caw blimey, what a daft bugger!' He waved his arms around to emphasise the point. 'Everyone knows that when your on the outer skirt of the universe and the fringe of reality, you don't question things like coffee machines that shouldn't be 'ere yer just shut up, and use the dang thing till it realises it ain't s'posed to be 'ere.'
He reached the river, looked round for a patch of water that didn't have something un-organic floating in it, found one, and dunked the pot in.

I'm artistic, so of course I'm a few marbles short of a full bag!

NaNo '07: Crossing The Atlantic In A Bathtub. (Pending)
NaNo '06: A Rock Star's Guide To Taking Over The World. (In print)

Hehehe.

"But what about the animal rights activists?"
"Well... if they want to protest, they'll need to go across the moat, and the crocodiles will gobble 'em right up. The irony is positively delicious."

Nice one.

I'm artistic, so of course I'm a few marbles short of a full bag!

NaNo '07: Crossing The Atlantic In A Bathtub. (Pending)
NaNo '06: A Rock Star's Guide To Taking Over The World. (In print)

From my 2004 NaNo novel...

Captain Fleabag: 'We're supposed to be pirates looking for the Golden Sword of Destiny, and instead you suggest that we look as though we’re doing a conga dance in the middle of the jungle!'

Dargo: 'The battle's not over yet.'
FireHawk: 'Why? What are you going to do now? Turn into some kind of seemingly unstoppable monster?'
Dargo: 'Yes.'
FireHawk: 'Oh, crap!'

From my 2006 one...

Lucas: (Talking to a ghost only he can see) 'Look, Magpie, if you’ve seen another naked lady that you now suddenly fancy, it’s not my problem!'

If I get the chance, I'll skim through some of my other stories for more quote, since I know I have written some funny lines in quite a few of them (some more memorable than others, though). ;)

---
The FireHawk's Realm - Welcome to my world...

'Twinkle, twinkle, little cucco.
I am gold and not for you-oo.' (Zelda: Twilight Princess)

I have to say, FireHawk, I think my lack of knowledge as to what on earth is going on makes your 1st quote that much more amusing. ^_^

"I was desperately scared and had nothing else to live for at the moment but pray and throw jars... The others looked bewildered for a moment, until they ventured in and saw that their adversary was none other than a teenage boy hurling jars of preservatives."

Kind of combined two lines, but they were in the same scene and they both amused me.

Main character, on meeting women in bars:

Though the odds of our meeting, marrying, and procreating are slim, I still wish to guard against that fateful day when I pull our wonderful daughter close to my chest and say, "Your mommy and I met in a seedy tavern. We were both tanked - does pookie know what 'tanked' means? Yes, that's right. Just like mommy is right now. Which is why I've got custody." Or, "When you grow up, you'll be very pretty when I'm drunk, too."

Main character, explaining sleeping habits:

When you get out of bed, part of the process is actually climbing out of bed and mentally registering the change in relationship between you and the bed. At least you can do that with a bathtub, too.

On co-workers:

Irvin knows regret. Irvin has a wife, two kids, and is gay. Janice, his wife, knows this, but she loves him anyway. She sleeps with other men. He sleeps with other men. Their arrangement is unintentionally kinky.

"After all, naked elves can mean only one thing: Trouble."

That's not what naked elves mean to me.

This one's not MEANT to be funny, but, everyone laughs anyway. It's from a non-NaNo story.

“Listen,” he said into the phone, “I’ll call you back later.” He waited a moment, listening.
“Yeah,” he turned away from Lydia slightly, “I love you too. Bye.”
“Who was that?” Lydia asked as soon as he hung up.
Jason turned back to the stove. “No one.” He began placing pancakes on a plate.
“Was it Mom?” Lydia questioned further.
“No.” He brought a plate of pancakes to the table and placed them in front of Lydia.
“Was it a girl?”
“Mom is a girl, Lyd.” He retrieved a carton of milk, a glass, and a bottle of syrup. He brought table to Lydia.
Lydia’s eyes widened slightly. “Was it a boy?” She poured herself some milk. “Are you g--?”
“No! Lydia!”

wordcount widgets
---
Click Here: www.lost.eu/235a0 And Help Prove 7Million People Can Be Connected

The man looked up and smiled. “BJ! Did you get the bread?” he asked.

“No, just a girl.”

“Damn, I really wanted bread.”
*
His head shot up like a jack in the box, hitting her on the chin. “You know where I wanna go right now?” he asked brightly.

She rubbed her jaw and shrugged. “Bedlam?” she asked.
*
Alex gazed at his father, wondering vaguely just how many generations back he'd have to trace his family tree to find ancestors who weren't insane.

The prolongated application of a polysyllabic vocabulary infallibly exercises a deleterious influence on the fecundity of expression, rendering the ultimate tendency apocryphal.

LOL!

I'm soooooo glad I'm not the only one who's conceived of naked elves in a story. I feel so much better now, thank you!

This is from a scene where two characters who hate/avoid each other end up driving together in random circles around the city:

Dawn knew she wasn’t one of Anita’s favorite people, and the silence was starting to make her a bit nervous. She had to break it.
“So, is this the kind of ride I go home after? Or is it the kind where I pissed you off and have to disappear?”

Two of Wands
The not-so-epic tale of two sisters on opposite sides of a war.