Crisis of faith?

Faith is basically a form of trust. A crisis of faith is like, finding out that your trust has been, or might have been, betrayed.

Trust can be based on something like the scientific method - repeatable experimental results - but it can also be based on a kind of "gut feeling" you have about someone or something: a man "has an honest face" so you decide to trust him. Faith is more like that second kind of trust.

Faith, by definition, needs no proof and can exist at the same time as evidence to the contrary. For example, a man might be convicted of murder based on the weight of evidence, and sentenced to die - but his brother, or wife, has faith that the man did not actually do the murder, and so crusades to find the real killer. In the end, that faith might lead to actions that save the life of the convicted man - which is independent of whether the convicted man actually did do the murder. Those acts of faith might lead to finding the real killer. If the real killer is someone else, the faith is confirmed. If the real killer is actually the convicted man, we might have a crisis of faith: the brother or wife questions their own judgement . How were they fooled? Were there signs they should have seen? What was the truth?

(I'm trying to explain this without using the word "belief.")

The kinds of things that challenge religious trust are often due to people confronting either cold cruel facts of life, or their own faults that their egos have shielded them from. When a crisis breaks down your ego, you see a lot of things clearly, that you are not prepared for - puts you into the same kind of crisis as betrayed trust.

Examples:
- I've done everything right - done as I thought God asked - but she still died, they are still crippled, I'm still not happy
- How can a just and loving god permit (whatever) to exist or happen
- I am a detestable, sinful, evil person - I cannot bear the disgrace of my imperfections
- I am having trouble "believing" - does this mean I never really believed?

As for how the above crises are typically resolved, I'll present the (really condensed) stock solutions in the same order:
- You're being prideful. This isn't about you.
- You have about as much hope of understanding God's ways as an amoeba has of understanding a scientist's ways.
- You're a human being. Your imperfections are human. The whole point of your faith is that it absolves you of that guilt. But you still have to bear your own grief, and live with what you've done.
- Just because you slept with one man doesn't make you gay. Everyone doubts and experiments.

You can also choose to have the stock solutions not work. I really like the way this was handled as an existential crisis and informed choice in the movie "The Rapture." Plus, Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny.....mmmmmmmm.

I have no idea i what I've gone through qualifies.

My entire life, I've been a strict atheist. About a year ago, however (a bit less, maybe), I started questioning that. What actually got me started thinking was being asked by my therapist if I believed in God. I said no; I was a devout atheist. But somehow the words bothered me a little. They rolled off my tongue too easily. For all the critical thinking I'd told others to do, it had been a long time since I'd done my own.

I talked to many people, some religious, some not. I challenged my own thoughts and perceptions. And I came to the conclusion that it is far too arrogant for me to hold such certainty that there is nothing above us. It's arrogant to assume that there isn't something beyond human comprehension.

I believe in a higher power now, although I cannot define what it is. I am content not understanding. But I do feel that there is something.

I really don't know if I can be of any use to you. But if I can, please feel free to PM me.

Daimeera -- I think you could call your experience a "crisis of faith" because you referred to your former outlook as a "devout" atheist. Some religious people like to say atheism is itself a religion; I'm not sure, but your choice of phrase suggests maybe you view(ed) it that way.

I think the term "crisis of faith" gets used for lesser situations than wondering if you believe in God at all; you might think you had a calling, e.g. to be a priest, then doubt whether that was a true calling or just your own desires.

I went though it.

My main problem: I started going crazy, hearing people in my head telling me God didn't love me cause He didn't exist, and that I was worth nothing, and should just kill myself. Naturally I got very depressed, cause my sanity was fading quickly. I prayed and prayed and got no answer, so I decided that God may not exist, so I became agnostic. That lasted a few months.

When the people in my head calmed down, I was then able to think more clearly, and I came to the conclusion that I needed to believe in God to keep myself afloat. I had to believe that someone was out there and cared about me, that I wasn't a waste of everyone's time and such.

THEN, I went though it again, when I found out I was a lesbian. I decided that I needed to accpet myself no matter what I was, and that God would have to love me anyway. Now I've done my reasearch and don't believe it's wrong.

Mail me with any more questions, hope I could help!

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I was just reading this novel called Silence, which is about a Purtugeuse (sp?) missionary in Japan who undergoes minor crises of faith when he's captured by the anti-Christian governenment. It's pretty dull. I wouldn't reccommend reading it.

Having been raised as a Christian and having explored Hinduism, Islam, and patheism, I have come to the conclusion that there is no god(s). It took me about a year of depression before I got over it. That and other stressors pretty much made me all suicidal and shit. Unfortunately, my experience would likely have nothing to do with that of your character, because... I don't know. He kills people, or at least I assume he does, since you call him a crusader and your future WiP has the word 'blood' in it. I suppose he could go through a crisis of faith because he... well, the silence of God was a major theme in Silence, predictably. So he could be like.. yeah... God doesn't talk or communicate with humans in any way, and that basically sucks. I guess.

He could lose a battle and not understand why his God wouldn't use a miracle to help them win, or why they didn't just win in the first place. Maybe his religion has a long, mythic history of great miracles that dwindled into nothing, much like Christianity.

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I've had a couple of major crises of faith, both actually pretty similar. I was raised in one tradition, then educated in traditions that called my background heretical (in the first case) and unenlightened (in the second). I was forced to evaluate everything that I had simply taken for granted from childhood alongside of everything that I was being told by these trusted teachers who I had been taught to consider spiritual mentors.

The first time I was in middle school, and looking back half a lifetime later, I can say with honesty that the problem was that a certain SOB in a position of authority decided to say that minor points of Christian doctrine that have little to do with the core of the faith were nonetheless things that made the difference between going to Heaven or Hell. Since I came from a church that baptized adults and he presided over one that baptized infants, I was by implication branded a baby-damner--and it went downhill from there. It took the very patient and compassionate mentorship of actual Christians (I do not consider this man to have been one) to show me that there was anything worthy in the faith at all, and it was five years or more before I could come around to the point where I didn't hate everyone associated with his particular denomination.

The second time I was studying theology in college, and what my professors were teaching in some cases was patently out of line with what Christian Scriptures teach. I went back to the text itself, and while I didn't have the brass to stand up in class and call them out (one of my regrets in life), I wrestled with what they were teaching vs. what Scripture shows that Christ taught and had to come to terms with the fact that someone with a doctorate and a lot of sincerity could still be wrong. I found out later that one of my close friends underwent the same crisis and came to a very different conclusion; she went with what the teachers said, then went even further and is now an agnostic.

I can honestly say that when I've had crises of faith, they've been precipitated by well-meaning people saying and/or doing things that fly in the face of things either that I know or that I've taken for granted. The good news is that I know I've emerged from them stronger and more aware of the things I believe and my reasons for belief; the sobering news is that one big reason for my belief in God is that I know there is no humanly possible reason for me to care about religion at all. With some of the things in my background, I should by rights hate Christians and Christianity both; it's the core of the faith--Christ and what *He* said and lived--that has helped me to see past the mess some others have made afterward, and I look on that in itself as a miracle.

Don't know how much this helps, but I do have to say, this sounds like an intriguing idea for a story, particularly since you're an atheist. If this is ever in print, I would love to read it. Good luck with the writing!

I am the depilator of bunnies.
FLEE, YE RABBITS!
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2007: Valentina's (Winner!)

Psychopaths: 2
Elves in Disguise: 3
Goths: 5
Milksops: 1
Character Deaths: 2
Characters Maimed: 1
Smart-asses: Still counting

I'm the product of a Jewish/ Catholic union (They were lucky enought to find a Rabbi and Priest who were open minded). For a while I really enjoyed having both religions. It made me feel special. But then I turned 12- Bot-Mitzvah age. The conservative rabbi wanted me to go through conversion since my mom wasn't Jewish. I thought about it. I considered both my options and finally came to the conclusion that I didn't want to tie myself to either religion and cut myself off from the other. I liked them both too much-and too little-to become one.
So then I thought and talked about God a lot. It didn't take me too long to discard the idea that there must be either a higher power or Science (if God could make people appear out of nowhere couldn't they build them up from cells? Wasn't that just a story anyway? A sort of parable? And why did any higher power's existence defy science? And where did the entities that collided to create the universe come from?) and focused on what God was.
But looking at all religions I couldn't really find one that encompassed all of my beliefs or feelings. So I talked to my dad at one point and he said 'I think religion is like the story of the blind men and the elephant. One person is feeling the tail, another the ears, and yet another the trunk.' In a way they're ALL right and in a way they're ALL wrong.
I thought about it some more and I decided that wisdom is anywhere you choose to look for it. Maybe you don't agree entirely with someone's opinions and philosophies, or who they are, but you can still find wisdom in what they have to say.
At synagouge on Yom Kippur our rabbi (a different one then the first, YAY!) gave a beautiful sermon. But the thing that stuck out most was a story about a woman who is lost in the woods. She's scared and starts looking for a way out and finds this other person. 'Oh I'm so glad I found you!' she says. 'Can you tell me the way out?' and the person says. 'No, but maybe together we can find a way.'
And I think that's what's important, mainly. Finding a community that makes you feel comfortable and who you can learn with. Your relationship with whatever deity you believe in is more personal then any religion can hope to understand.
Most people who question things (for whatever reason) go through a crisis of faith, I think. It's definately an experience that shakes your world up but I think it is an important one to have as, hopefully, it gives you a better idea of your own beliefs, and leaves you more open to those of others. To me faith is a question of your religion being the best or most correct but it being the best and most correct for you.
So there you go! Hope this is somewhat useful!
By the way, cool title! I'd love to read it when you're finished!

Grab life by the throat before it bites you!

I think serotonin explained it well. Faith is about trust a lot of the time.

I've had a few crises of faith. The first was when I was 13. Now, all through my childhood, I'd had a lot of faith in God. Not only did I accept the existance of God unconditionally, but I also fully believed that God was watching me constantly and involved in my life. I don't think my outlook was completely positive then, but that's another story. Well, my dad got sick, and I prayed a lot. And even know I "knew" that people died and that my dad could die, deep down, I honestly believed that since my dad was a good person and we went to mass every week and I was praying every day, God was listening. And if God loved us, which of course He did, then God wouldn't let my dad die. Well, my dad did die, and really, I think my faith changed over night. I never really blamed God. I knew that it wasn't God's fault my dad got sick. But I did have this feeling that my prayers and devotion were for nothing or, at the very least, God didn't answer prayers as much as I thought. I also started drifting away from Catholicism around then, and the next few years involved sporadic interests in religion and, a doubt of God's existance.

The second real crisis occured in the last several months, and resolved itself a few months ago. I've finally accepted that I have never really believed in Christianity and that the idea of Christianity just doesn't make sense to me. This was hard for me, because I hear so many people talk about how Christianity is the one true way to God. Also, though for a long time I never doubted that homosexuality was okay, I had recently made an acquaintence who was opposed to it for religious reasons, and because this was someone I liked, it made me think and I started evaluating/worrying about it more. It was the first time I started wishing I wasn't bisexual, because I did have concerns that maybe I was wrong.

These days, I feel more secure, mainly because I've established two ground rules for myself: 1) I'm not going to accept something purely because other people believe it. It needs to feel true, and 2) I'm more careful about what I expect from God. I don't pray for things that have already occured to change, for example, and I don't pray so much for things that, realistically, I can probably handle on my own, such as doing well on tests and losing weight.

Crisis of faith is what happens when everything you thought you knew was wrong. Or to put it alternately, it's what happens when you REALLY start asking yourself questions like, "But what's it all about?"

I was raised Jewish, which in my case meant that although I went to "Sunday school" and learned many religious things, I have never thought of my faith as "universal." Judaism is not for everyone, so even though it's true for me, it isn't true for everybody and I always knew this. As a minority religion, I've gotten quite used to people who practice a different faith or none at all. This does not bother me. I also really like science and my parents, like most Jews, are big believers in education. So all my life I've studied both science and religion. I have never had much trouble reconciling the two, because I don't take certain parts of the Bible at literal face value. I have actually met people who think evolution is a myth, and I think they're dangerously delusional.

However, the idea of one God who rules the entire universe and is all-powerful and completely perfect and completely unified seems logical to me. If anyone is actually in charge of the universe, it would have to be someone like that, and if there is someone like that, there could only possibly be one of them. Many cultures model their gods after themselves, but I can't see the real ruler of the universe being anything except ... well, everything. If it's limited, divisible, hateful or lacking in any way, then it simply isn't God by my definition of the term, even if someone calls it that.

As for whether God exists or not -- well, that's where the 'crisis' comes in, for me. When I was in my late teens (and going to a very religious school), I got the usual growing-up case of existential angst. I took a good hard look at the universe and figured there wasn't any absolute, concrete, physical proof of God anywhere. (And why should there be? He has no physical form, so he can't be perceived using physical senses. It's like trying to measure temperature with a yardstick.) That was depressing. What if it's all one big lie, there's no real point to anything, and after I die that's the permanent end?

I didn't like that idea at all, so eventually I just decided to put the question aside. I decided that since "yes" or "no" was equally likely to be true, I was going to pick the answer that made me happiest. I decided to try to live my life as if God was there, and assume he was there, and that's the decision I've stuck by ever since. I think the universe would be better if God existed, and I may never know one way or the other, so I may as well believe what gives me hope.

Every human has "fuzzy blankets," ideas that may or may not be grounded in fact, but at least they give us comfort and keep us going. Religion is a fuzzy blanket for many people and I think it's rude to yank it away like those kids do in "Peanuts." Some atheists go around and try to convince people God doesn't exist, but I don't think they do any more good than missionaries who spend their time trying to convince people God exists. It's one of those questions you just need to work out on your own, or if that isn't possible, find somebody who offers an answer you like.

I had a soul ... but NaNoWriMo eated it. :(

Breeder of Plot Wolverines

I've had... well, possibly not a full crisis of faith, but something approaching it. Once or twice I've gone through a period of doubt, during which I couldn't reach out to the gods in the way that I normally can. Whether that inability was what caused the crisis or was a product of it, I do not know. But it was very distressing, frightening, and painful. Basically, it consisted of "but what if I'm wrong?", and I couldn't feel the world around me properly and had real problems in praying.

Something you may want to research is the recent discovery of letters from Mother Theresa to a friend of hers, detailing her decade-long loss of faith. It must have been dreadful for her.

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S. Azelma Melmoth

There was a nice example or a crisis in faith in Dr Who: The Curse Of Fenric. In WW2 a vicar lost his faith, not so much because of the war, but because specifically of what his country was doing to innocents in other countries - the bombing of Dresden etc. He lost his faith in his people's humanity and as a result of that could no longer believe in a God who allowed "the good guys" to be so evil. And then he got eaten by vampires, but that bit's not so relevent :)

He could also be shaken by someone else's depth of faith - when a child I taught lost her father, her simple understanding that daddy was happy in heaven now made me wish that I was so secure in my belief myself, then led me to question whether I truly should follow my faith, since I found that aspect difficult to feel truly confident in: if I can't accept something without questioning it, do I really have faith in it? In the end I decided yes I do, but he could of course go the other way.

serotonin: Thanks for the info; I liked the anecdotes! I'll see if I can hunt down that movie. But yeah, the stock solutions, as you said, don't work too well with my MC, who doesn't resolve things prettily. >_>

Daimeera: I know what you mean. When I was younger, I used to consider myself a strict atheist, but I realized this was silly eventually. I'm technically agnostic, but calling myself that tends to give people the impression that my position is ambivalent, so I tend to go with atheist. Takes much less explaining, haha.

Solace: Wow, sounds like you've done a lot of soul-searching. Thanks for sharing; it's very much appreciated. Definitely useful, and I hope that works out for you!

Hasenyager: Yeah, that's one of the major factors leading up to it. The MC has a vision of her god during one of the pivotal moments of her life, or at she least thinks she does at the time (extenuating circumstances would have lent themselves nicely to hallucinations), and then after that, nothing. Plus some general dissatisfaction with the way things are going and other extenuating events and etc. I've done my best to look into this and figure out sensible motivations, but it's just kinda awkward for me writing someone whose beliefs are diametrically opposed to my own, so I really appreciate hearing input from people who actually went through something like this. Thanks for the input and the suggestions!

Raven Vlad: Gonna NaNoMail you with a few additional questions, I think, so I'll keep my replies there.

Ennaleahcar Arus: That's a fascinating story, and I think you're absolutely right about faith; it should be about what's right for you personally. Thanks for the input!

DancingMaenid: The stereotype about turning away from God when someone you love dies is blaming him, but a slightly different perspective on that will be very useful to me, I think. Interesting note on sexuality as well. I really appreciate you sharing!

Raksab: Very thoughtful post, and I really enjoyed your note on picking what makes you happiest! I like your solution to the conundrum of faith, as it makes a great deal of sense and probably wouldn't have occurred to me. Thanks for the insight! Oh, I also completely agree about atheists crusading against religion, by the way. They annoy me just as much as missionaries of the religious variety. Live and let live, y'know?

Zel: I actually read the Time article on her letters a while ago. My own views on religion might be radically different from hers, but her story really struck a powerful note with me. Her struggles with her faith make her that much more of a compelling and very human figure, if you ask me, and even more inspiring since she managed to bear up under that kind of doubt and still continue with her work for so long.

Marianne Wells: Oh, that's a really interesting thought about someone else's faith. I like that a lot, actually; I think that will go in somewhere. Thanks!

2005: The Ships of Arcadia (won)
2006: Perdition City (won)
2007: Blood Gods (won)

My life is consumed right now by my "crisis of faith". Being raised Catholic never seemed to bother me, at least until this year. I went through my childhood accepting all of the crap my church fed to me, never questioning anything. Well, now I have. I think, "Why do humans automatically want to find a scapegoat?" Not that god, if he exsists, is a human scapegoat, but what can you think when people go around saying, "I failed my test, but God plans everything." I mean, come on. Take some responsibility for yourself, you know? I don't know. I am so confused, religiously, at least. I don't know what to think. My confirmation is next year, which is to CONFIRM your catholic faith, but I don't feel like I can go through with it. I mean, why should I believe Cathlocism, and not Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism or Agnosticism? Right now, I feel pretty agnostic. If my over-religious great-grandparents found out, I might as well kill them. So I have to keep up the charade of church, even if I'm killing my conscience and my mind in the process.

I grew up in a Protestant Christian home, and was homeschooled. I accepted Christ into my life when I was six, and I didn't really get what it meant. I can't speak too well for my six-year-old self, but I believe my line of reasoning was something along the following: my parents were Christians, I loved them, all my friends were Christians, all the adults I knew were Christians, and hey, I wanted to be a Christian too. When you're six, life is pretty happy, and everything's okay. The only tragedies you have are pets getting run over or your favorite toy breaking.

ANYWAY, around third grade, I think, my friends at Church began to separate from me socially. I was a very extroverted kid up until then, when the other girls learned how to form circles when they talked and not let anyone else in. My problem, I think, was that I tried to wedge myself into the circle. In the end, I ended up with no one who would willingly sit by me--and I wouldn't sit by them for real or imagined rejection.

What I now recognize as depression peaked around fifth grade. My social skills amounted to gaining as much pity as possible from Sunday School teachers, and other than that, I was a social flunkie. I mumbled and was embarrassed easily. I spent every free moment daydreaming that I had superpowers, and would show everyone who (I thought) hated me. I hated everyone, especially the 'popular' kids. Meanwhile I cried my heart out at home, sometimes for absolutely no reason that I could see. I usually hid it from my parents, but when they caught me, I refused to tell them what was wrong or I made something up. Life was miserable, and suicidal thoughts became a daily routine, especially whenever I was up somewhere high. I wondered how high you had to be to die instantly when you land, whether it would hurt first, whether I would have the courage to jump head-first, how embarrassed I would be if I tried and didn't succeed. I was terrified that my parents would find out somehow, because on the outside, I was a shy, but strong Christian girl who knew all the Bible verses and could open my Bible to any book in less than twenty seconds. I was supposed to be happy, I wasn't supposed to be like this.

I knew that if I died, I would go to heaven. That's what I had been taught. I believed that if I committed suicide, I would go to heaven. I'd said the prayer. I would be cutting my life short, but it was worth it. Life was miserable, life was torture. What would God think? He would be disappointed with me. I sincerely believed that he had a plan for my life, and he wasn't putting me through a hard time for no reason, but I could see no way that life could be better than this. It was just too much. I cried out to God like you wouldn't believe a fifth-grader could. Why am I like this? Why would you put anyone through life like this?

I 'prayed the prayer' (of salvation) over and over during this time, but there was no lightning bolt, nothing that turned my life into one cheery, happy adventure.

Being homeschooled, I wasn't isolated from the rest of the world or ideas quite as much as you think--actually, my parents made a point to teach me about different religions and why people believe what they believe. Maybe God wasn't hearing me, or he didn't care about me--maybe the Christian God isn't God after all. (Everything I'd grown up knowing screamed against that.) What about other religions? Personally, I would never want to be anything but a Christian, whether it's Muslim or Hindu or what have you. What sets Christianity apart from other religions is that in Christianity, you are not saved by doing stuff. In other religions, it waters down to the theology of "if you do stuff, you are saved." Now, there is an extremely wide array of what this "stuff" is and what "saved" means. When have you done enough stuff? No one is perfect. In Christianity, if you accept Christ as your savior and lord, believe that He died for your sins, and confess that you are a sinner to Him, you are saved. Because Christ is Savior and Lord, the next step is to obey him, and there's where doing good things comes in. It is a necessary aspect of Christianity, but it is not salvation.

In summary, I concluded that either the God of the Bible (and the God of my parents) was real, or he wasn't. If he was not real, if there was no God--what was my purpose in life? To have fun? I wasn't having any. If this was truly the case, I was believing in a complete, utter, disgusting lie. If this was the case, it didn't matter what I did, what I said, what I thought. I could murder someone (worst crime a fifth-grader can come up with)--it wouldn't matter, they will die anyway. Their family would be hurt--what does it matter, they'd die too. Why should I care? I could try to become "immortal," try to do the best for society I can and become famous. Well, assuming time goes on forever, Abraham Lincoln will be an obscure name that no one will know except for maybe someone who is absurdly interested in the country long ago called the "United States of America." Why should they care, why should I care? Why should I live this miserable game called life, where we all die in the end and nothing matters?

But if there was a God, the God of the Bible, he loved me. He had a plan for my life, whether I could see it or not. I was not alone, and no matter what happened in my life, God would be there, and he would either bring me out of it, or bring me home. It was a win-win situation, even completely disregarding all the evidence that there is a God, the God of the Bible, that I'd been brought up knowing. If I was wrong in believing that God was real, and there was no God, it wouldn't matter anyway. I'd die, and my life would be nothing. If I was right, I would go to heaven and I would live my life with a purpose. I later found out a guy called Blaise Pascal (pretty sure that's how you spell it) stole my train of thought quite a while ago. :)

I can't say that was the end of it. I didn't go back to embracing everything I hear or have heard without scrutiny, and even now, I examine the things I hear in church (and from my parents) closely. Other things were upset in my life, like how I had thought of God. I realized that asking God for stuff a lot didn't amount to prayer or a relationship with him. I'm still working on listening to him, and I'll probably never be done with that. There are one or two extremely minor things I believe now that my parents find fault with, but largely, they were on the mark the whole time. I used to think that Dr. James Dobson had spot-clean theology (we listen to a lot of Focus on the Family radio), but I now have one disagreement that I can think of with him. I still have crying days (and weeks) once and a while, usually when I'm bringing glory to God in some aspect of my life--that's when the Devil really tries his hardest. I can't make it against him without God. I came out of my social wreck state (mostly, hehe) thanks to God using a sixteen-year-old girl with Down Syndrome. He also brought other people into my life just at the right times, and I no longer hate everyone I see, although I still struggle with being bitter to some people who continually bring up memories in my mind.

I am so glad God put me through that stage in my life, because otherwise, I don't think I would have gone into high school with any real foundation to my faith. It would have been, well, I believe this. Why? Because I go to __ church and I'm a Christian.

As for what it's like going through a 'crisis of faith', it's far more miserable than going through depression, at least how I experienced it. Everything you know is turned upside down. You look at everything differently, you observe other people's behavior, wondering if they have any doubts about it all. I suffered in silence. You feel very, very alone, as if there is a wall between you and other people. They can't understand you and you can't understand them. Everything that is normally a crisis is trivial in comparison to the huge battle going on in your mind. Everyone annoys you. I just wanted to tell everyone to shut up. They're making fuss over stuff that doesn't matter, everyone else is so stupid. They're so concerned with stuff that doesn't matter, they could never understand, never comprehend everything on your mind. You feel like everyone has been lying to you all your life, and you have no idea of knowing what is true and what is not. You feel like you can't trust anyone, and withdraw from everyone. You feel like you're the only person who has ever really understood, who has ever really figured out that things might not be what they seem, but you can't tell anyone because they won't take you seriously, or you'll just end up being misunderstood and embarrassed. I felt physically nauseous at times.

That got a little--that got VERY long, but I hope it helped.

I was raised Mormon (I'm still Mormon), and I'd accepted that my whole life. I was born in the covenant (meaning that we're sealed to our parents without ceremony because are parents are sealed to one another), I was blessed as a baby (sort of the Mormon equivalent of Christening), and I was baptized and confirmed at age eight, just like every other born-Mormon. I went to activities, I took the sacrament (basically the eucharist, but sort of different in minor details), and I read my scriptures, said my prayers. Everything I was supposed to.

When I was twelve or thirteen...I think I was just barely thirteen, I decided that I wanted to know for my own if this was right. I didn't want to trust my parents testimony anymore. I wanted one for myself. I knelt down and I asked for confirmation from God. Was the Church true? Was Jesus Christ my Savior? Were the Bible and the Book of Mormon testaments of Christ and the truth? Was Joseph Smith a prophet? Was Gordon B. Hinckley a prophet (our prophet at the time. He died this January)? I prayed about it. I don't want to share exactly what happened because it's highly personal, but I knew after that experience that the Church was the only Church. That the answer to all of my questions was yes.

Since then, whenever I have other questions, I have been able to pray and learn yes or no. I have done it for many questions, and when our new prophet was sustained (Thomas S. Monson), I asked once again for the testimony that he was to be the prophet, and I received that confirmation.

Now I do not doubt. Whenever someone asks me why I do what I do as if I'm controlled or something, I just tell them, "If I didn't believe in the Mormon faction of Christianity, I wouldn't follow it. It's not hard to leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You just up and leave and tell them that you don't want to be contacted. No one's making me do anything."

You can Nanomail me for some more particulars, and I'll probably share, but I don't want to just right them right here, if you know what I mean.

Nano 2005: Legend of Jael (Won)
Nano 2006: Diary in the Attic (Won)
Nano 2007: Reel Smuggling (Working Title, will not break the streak)