Shameless stolen from the sci-fi forum (where it was stolen from fantasy...)
First poster critiques my excerpt, the next producer critiques his, and so on, until NaNoWriMo ends, or we get bored, whichever comes first.
Go!
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"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." ~E.L. Doctorow
45,356 / 50,000
Nov 9, 2007 - 05 32
Wow. I could be Bart someday. That is not encouraging.
*ahem* Anyway, so far, the premise is interesting, if at first you start it out like it's a cliche. (Or however the hell you spell that FIREFOX. :( ) The characterization is interesting, and I like the internal dialog. What there is, is an interesting poke into the head of someone who (I can assume) eventually snaps?
And good lord, Marci has about as much personality as the sacks she bags groceries in! But I'm assuming that's what you're going for.
But from what I read in just the excerpt, I can't really tell if it's near future or if it could've happened the other day. No offense. I know it's near-future from your description. That's just a minor thing that bothers me about most SF, that the author sometimes dumps you into a place and lets you flounder for a bit.
But it's still interesting to me. At the end, Bart kinda reminds me of Spider Jerusalem. Y'know, if you are familiar with Transmetropolitan at all. I liked the visuals, especially the one where he "tugged out the soy milk carton and brandished it in front of her face." Amusing in a cynical way. ( My favorite kind)
1,430 / 50,000
Nov 10, 2007 - 16 58
From what I can tell there is fluid interaction between the characters and an observant description of human interaction.
I'd say more but, the excerpt is rather short...