Milked a duck lately? My Character has:

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“Okay so if everyone would listen up please?” Tia called out. In the Great Room of Dawson’s parent’s log cabin, Tia stood near the back, slider doors. Just outside the doors, behind Tia, there stood a crate draped in a cloth. Inside the double glass doors were 25 couples mingling around the Great room. Only two people out of fifty turned to look her way when she’d asked for everyone to listen up.

“Hello,,, can I get your attention please?’ Tia tried again. This time, while hopefully keeping her voice pleasant, Tia had raised the volume of it. A few more eyes turned her way.

“ATTENTION” Tia roared in classic military style. Suddenly the room and everyone in it shut up and stood facing her.

“That still works,” Tia joked as she looked around at the shocked faces. “Sorry, but I….” Tia took a deep breath. God I hate this civilian crap she thought. Dawson suddenly stepped beside her and she smiled gratefully. “Now that I have your attention,” She quipped. Everyone began to laugh. Tia took one last glance at Dawson and stepped closer to the sliding doors.

“Melanie, Mike,” Tia began speaking only to the bride and groom to be. “When you honored me by allowing me to be the maid of honor in your wedding next week I knew I couldn’t let you down. While planning this bridal and groom shower today, I searched high and low for the perfect thing that would honor your future marriage.”

People in the room began filtering through furniture, finding their other half and then taking a place on the various pieces of furniture. Tia continued speaking despite Dawson’s suspicious gaze her way.

“I have to be honest with you both. I’ve never planned a bridal shower before let alone a co-ed one, so at first I was a little leery. But when Mrs. Lankford assured me that decorations, some cake, good food, and a party game or two would be enough, I figured I could do this for you both and still find the perfect way to honor your upcoming nuptials.”

“There’s cake?” Mike yelled from behind Melanie. Everyone laughed and Tia scolded him playfully. “Not for you, you have a tux to fit into in less than a week and I watched you eating today. You’re on a diet buddy. But as for the rest of us,” Tia grinned at Dawson, “yes there will be cake after we play a game.”

Half the room groaned and mike protested his “diet” loudly but Tia remained steadfast.

“Yes I know” she yelled over the low groan. “Party games are such a bore and so lame, but Mike and Melanie deserve the very best.” Tia hollered as she hefted the heavy crate into the Great Room. Immediately Dawson reached out to take the heavy crate from her, she resisted though, setting it down on the long table that once stood behind his mother’s couch.

Suddenly under the cloth a noise that could only be described as a quack was heard. Everyone in the great room went silent as Tia placed one hand upon the top of the cloth covered crate. “In the remote, small, southern village of Aboujjuotii on the continent of Africa exists an ancient and time tested custom.”

“Whenever a bride and groom to be are about to be wed the every united couple in the village gathers at the sacred home of the wisest elder of the tribe. Their custom, while being little known, has been studied by the peers of Jane Goodall and found to be almost ninety nine percent accurate in predicting the success rate of an upcoming marriage.”

“Isn’t that Jane Goodall some monkey woman?” one of the guys in the group cried out. Tia nodded wisely. Everyone was riveted now, she had their attention.

“Yes she was a famous scientist who devoted her life to the study of gorillas. It is her peers in science who have studied this ancient ritual I am about to share with you.” Turning to the crate, Tia carefully gathered the back corner of the cloth and held it.

“I have had this flown in from Aboujjuotii, from the tribal elder who explained this ancient and magnificent custom to me. Before I unveil it, I’d like to ask everyone to please keep your voices down. We do not want to bring bad spirits to Ooratoo before he shares his wisdom with us.”

As eyes nodded, Tia turned and forced the grin that was dying to appear on her lips, deep, deep down inside. Raising the cloth up and over the crate with a flourish, Tia nearly screamed aloud at the stunned silence in the room.

“I present to you Ooratoo from the village of Aboujjuotii.”

Silence hung for just a moment longer, until Ooratoo quacked.

“Is that….” Someone gasped as the creature stepped around in its wooden crate.

Tia nodded as she glanced at the fancy white duck now happily staring out of the wooden slats. “Ooratoo has been bred from a long line of Aboujjuotii African ducks, and has been raised with the village elder so that he may fulfill his purpose here today.” Tia glanced over at Dawson. “Honey could you help me please?”

Dawson was so dumbstruck at seeing a duck in his mother’s house, that at first he couldn’t move. “What…oh yes…” Dawson sputtered as he stepped over towards his fiancée. Tia extended a large, wooden bowl to Dawson.

“Could you please be sure each couple offers something before we begin the ritual?, “Tia asked before turning to the room. “It is custom that each couple bring with them something of great value for the soon to be newlyweds. When I spoke with Naksimee he stated for our purposes money would be fine. I had to explain to him here in the states we often aren’t found with goats or herd animals….”

A few people chuckled slightly, more from uneasiness then humor. Dawson stared at the woman before him. Damned if she didn’t sound like she knew what was going on, but a duck?

One by one, Dawson toured the room as Tia rambled on and on about her conversation with the Aboujjuotiian Village Elder named Naksimee. Tia shared the stories of hundreds of years of Naksimee’s people’s past. The entire room was captivated.

“And so it was the prayers of this one man, to his gods that began the ritual we’re going to try. After complaining to the Gods of his wife’s inability to pay attention to him, he sought the God’s aid in showing him his wife truly did care and pay attention to his needs. Daily he prayed this prayer, and daily he collapsed upon his mat at night only to find his wife too busy to be beside him.”

“As happens, a great drought hit the village and thus their herds of cattle. The man who sought held and aid from the Gods for his personal problem, now also sought aid from the Gods in seeking out more milk since the herd had gone dry. “

Dawson had collected money from every couple and brought it back up to the table. Tia nodded as she put the bowl down, but continued her story.

“The babies began growing hungry, the tribe started suffering, the nursing mothers could no longer provide milk and for a time they thought all was lost. The man who prayed to the gods for relief, grew angry and frustrated as did many other of the villagers. One day as he raged to his hut, he found his wife sitting with a duck much like Ooratoo here. Under the duck a tiny clay bowl and as the woman kneaded and plied the ducks underbelly, the man spied milk being released.”

“Bullshit” someone called out, But Tia looked and remained undaunted.

“I assure you; over forty years of scientific observations have proven that this very breed of duck can be milked!” Tia extended photographs, both in black and white and color of scientists and tribal people milking the same type of duck that stood in a crate on his mothers table.

Over and over throughout the room, exclamations of disbelief could be heard. Dawson even looked at the photos over his parents shoulder, they looked real enough, some even being done by ancient camera’s judging by the pictures exposure.

People talked amongst themselves as Tia reached in and securely removed the duck from the wooden crate.

“And you brought that thing here why?” Melanie asked in horror as she stepped away from Tia and the duck. Tia smiled gently at her new friend.

“In the village it is the custom that the soon to be wed couple arrives with other successful couples. Each of the other couples gives their items of value,“ Tia pointed to the bowl full of cash, “ and then with the elder watching over them, one by one the male of a couple will hold the duck and the female will milk it.”

The room went silent again.

“As each couple milks the duck, the milk is gathered in the sacred bowl, symbolizing the wisdom from each couple participating. Finally, after the other couples have added their wisdom, via the milk; it is the soon to be bride and grooms turn.”

Tia paused as she looked down at the duck on the table and then to the bowl of cash. Her voice was low and serious as she explained the rest of the custom. “Should the bride and groom to be successfully milk this duck, they then take the gifts offered and will be wed within the week as the God’s approve. But,” Tia paused. “Should the couple be unable to milk the duck, and then they must split the milk in the scared bowl, drink it and may return in one year to try again. It is said the milk will impart upon them the wisdom and knowledge a loving couple needs to survive in the world.”

Slowly as Tia had been speaking, the couples in the room had gotten up and moved closer to Tia and the duck.

“You’ve got to be shittin me right?” Mike asked as he slid a protective hand around Melanie’s waist.

“I don’t shit people Mike.” Tia swore. Everyone stared.

“We gotta Milk a Duck?” Mike asked, looking towards Dawson now.

“No Mike, we have to,” Tia reiterated as she swung her head towards the other couples. “We milk the duck, thereby donating to you and Melanie our knowledge of how to survive as a couple, and then you two milk the duck…. Okay who’s first?” Tia asked to a room full of stupefied faces.

Suddenly the room exploded again with disbelief and nervous laughter. Tia, catching Dawson’s hand, quickly swung into action. Before any of the couples could object, she had them lined up with Dawson’s parents going first.

“Alright Mr. Lankford, you stand here and hold Ooratoo like this,” Tia explained as she placed Mr. Dawson’s hands properly on either side of the ducks wings. “And Mrs. Dawson, you sit on this piano bench right here. Okay, go ahead Mr. Mrs. Lankford, show us how it’s done.”

Within moments, The room erupted. Mr. Lankford not once but twice let go of the ducks wings, which in turn lead to Ooratoo beating Mrs. Lankford in the head with them. “Damn you Jared, hold the duck like you mean it!” Mrs. Lankford had roared at her husband.

The other couples in the room were laughing hysterically at the sight before them. Tia ever patient, kept giving verbal queues on how to best milk the sacred Ooratoo, all the while spouting forth ancient wisdom from Naksimee as well. When the Lankford’s allotted time was up, Tia made quick time of getting rid of his parents and placing another unsuspecting couple in the chair. Dawson stood back completely dumbfounded at the sight before him.

Over and over the scene was repeated. Over and over a stupefied man held onto the duck while a seriously intentioned female attempted to milk under the feathered belly. It was absolutely comical, absurd and ridiculous, but somehow Tia made it seem all too possible.

At first couples laughed just at the absurdity, but soon enough the competitive nature began exposing itself too. Couples started teasing one another, hoping to do a better job than the last couple did. Couples who had failed stood back and shouted words of discouragement. The Great Room of the Lankford home was soon turned into one big crazy pit.

Sometime after the last couple started their attempt at milking Ooratoo, Mike belted out, “Wait DUCKS AREN’T MAMMALS!” All shouting, teasing and laughter stopped as Mike’s words hung heavy in the air. Suddenly they all realized he was right.

“Mel we don’t have to milk the damn duck – it’s not a mammal, only mammals can produce milk!” Mike roared victoriously.

Everyone began laughing until Tia’s lone voice rang out over their sudden realization. “Wanna Bet on that Mike?”

Mike turned and stared at Tia. “Excuse me?”

“I’ll bet you all the money in the bowl that Dawson and I can milk that duck!” Tia challenged the groom to be.

“Tia,” Dawson roared. The gig was up now, everyone had realized, albeit it a bit late that the duck could not be milked. Tia reached out and touched Dawson’s arm. She never looked to Dawson, but she touched his arm as if to say, trust me.

Mike had laughed outright at Tia’s suggestion that she and Dawson could milk the duck. “Somebody count the money, I say double or nothing Dawson and I can milk that duck!”

Laughter, whether it was Mike’s or anyone else’s stopped. The deadly serious tone in Tia’s voice held everyone captive. “I bet you double or nothing, Dawson and I can milk that duck.” Tia said once more as she stepped to face Dawson’s best friend.

Mike looked at his oldest school buddy and shook his head, “You’re girlfriend’s gonna make you go broke old boy.”

Dawson grinned, judging by the tone in Tia’s voice, no he wouldn’t go broke, but Mike didn’t know that – yet.

“Double or nothing,” Dawson backed up his fiancée’s bet.

Suddenly, the room around erupted in excited chatter. Dawson watched as his father counted the money and announced that the total double or nothing bet would be the sum of five hundred and seventy five dollars – or nothing.

Mike heard the sum and immediately reached out and shook Dawson’s hand. “You’re on soldier boy”

Tia nearly argued with Mike that Marines were not soldiers but instead called troops, but Dawson’s hand on her shoulder, leading her towards Ooratoo stopped her.

As Tia sat down, she could hear Mike and the other men stating reverently “could not milk a duck as it is not a mammal. It’s impossible.” Tia grinned at Dawson. The fact that he trusted her thrilled her to no end.

Dawson took a hold of Ooratoo just as Tia had explained earlier and a snickering hush fell over everyone.

Tia settled herself on the piano bench and reached up to pet Ooratoo. “I realize science says this duck can’t be milked Mike, but you didn’t listen to the story I related earlier.” Tia began softly. Turning so she faced nothing else but Ooratoo and Dawson, Tia looked up into Dawson’s eyes as she began to speak and search for nipples to milk. “Remember the man prayed two prayers. One you know was answered, because his wife extracted milk from these rare ducks. But the first prayer, the prayer he prayed to know his wife paid as much attention to him as anything else, it too was answered.”

Tia’s eyes grew soft as she paused for a moment.

“How was it answered T” Melanie whispered.

“You see, when the man stood holding the duck, like Dawson is now, then and only then did he realize his first prayer was answered too. As the milk poured down into the bowl beneath his wife’s busy hands, he realized that in all of her busy actions, he’d never told her of the drying up of the milk in the herd.”

Tia’s hands began moving and suddenly little spurts of milk poured from under the ducks belly into the tiny bowl. “Because she’d paid attention to so much detail, she hadn’t missed that aspect of her husband’s life. She knew he needed her help because she paid attention – and he then realized her attention to detail was the sign of her love for him.” Tia completed the story as Dawson’s face broke into a glorious grin.

“OH MY GOD” and other such exclamations could be heard throughout the room. The milk Tia was getting from the duck was plainly visible to all.

“How in the hell?” Mike roared before reaching under to try and figure out what Tia or Dawson had done.

Tia and Dawson didn’t move as they let Mike and Melanie take the duck from their hands. Instead Dawson stared into the blazing eyes of the woman before him. Somehow, someway she’d managed to milk a duck. Tia sat there shinning as Mike lifted every feather and looked everywhere for the trick Tia certainly had to use. Dawson nearly laughed aloud when he spied his fiancée slipping the thumb shaped, milk filled finger tip on and off her knuckle. A Magic Trick, Tia had used an old magic trick from her youth and then she adapted it for this party.

“There is NO WAY” Mike roared as Dawson looked over to his best friend.

“Bet she can do it again” Dawson challenged the groom to be.

“Screw You Lankford,” was Mike’s only reply.
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2958 gory words of crap added to my novel.....but my FMC got milk - does she get the triple points???????

Cyli aka eensybeensyspider
The Red Hot ML - Michigan::Flint Red Hot Writers - Word Padders - Duck Milkers
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The eensybeensyspider went up the Scriptfrenzy screenplay
Down came a plot twist that blew her little mind
Up came the characters to laugh at all her pain
But the eensybeensyspider went on to script again......
The Red Hot ML - flint_mi(at)scriptfren