How is it? sorry if i've accidentally double posted my internet keeps cutting off.
Prologue
The sun was now directly above me, indicating it was about noon. I sighed loud enough to wake up Mary, who was sitting in the passenger seat snoring loudly. I coughed and she woke up nearly hitting her head off the roof.
“Where are we?” she said groggily
“Maps in the glove compartment” I said dryly and reached into the glove compartment with one hand still on the wheel, I handed her the map and she took it gingerly. Just as Mary opened up the map we drove passed an old rusted sign which was a little hard to read but I managed to make out most of it:
WELCOME TO ROANOKE
Enjoy your stay
“guess we don’t need that map then” Mary said happily “do you suppose we could stop at a motel?”
I shrugged “Whatever you want, just as long as you don’t take anything from the mini-bar” Mary laughed, it was good to here her laugh again, after all these last few weeks had been pretty rough on us; we’d just received word a couple weeks ago that one of Mary’s grandmothers had passed away.
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0 / 50,000
Apr 12, 2008 - 02 14
I'd cut straight down to "Welcome to Roanoke--Enjoy your Stay." Nothing really happens before that, and with Mary saying that "Guess we don't need that map then" pretty much sums up the only information you need up until that point. This way you'll draw us right into the part about how rough it has been on the MC and Mary.
I'd also emphasize a bit more (ie, show not tell) about what exactly you mean by "rough." Have they been fighting? Perhaps you can show that with a bit of tension between the two of them (for example, instead of Mary saying happily "Guess we don't need the map then," she could say it with a bit of frost in her voice or the MC could feel the chill, so to speak).
I wish I could give you something more positive, but without really knowing where this scene is going, or even if it's necessary-- Do you really need a prologue? Most folks skip them anyway, well, unless Stephen King wrote them, but that's different, or what the main story is about it's hard to tell what you're trying to set up here.
60,054 / 50,000
Apr 12, 2008 - 06 05
Please post material for critique in the Critiques forum.